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100vern · 1 year ago

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hang up if u want to | kmg

he's in japan. you're at home, knowing there's no point in staring at your phone, waiting. mingyu might not wanna define what the two of you are, but that certainly doesn't stop him from asking for what he wants.

pairing: idol!mingyu x f. reader genre: situationship au; a lil angst, smut warnings: swearing. sexting — use of gendered terms for genitalia, mentions of oral and penetrative sex, masturbation, images/videos, dirty talk i guess?, squirting. one mention of reader wearing a dress. another mention of reader wearing mingyu’s shirt and it being large on her. (not meant to be an indication of size—that mf is just so large i think most people would drown in his clothes.) mingyu is domineering and kind of brat tamer-y but i wouldn't say this is dom-y at all. he also uses the term "baby" a lot bc i refuse to use y/n. rating: explicit. minors dni. wordcount: 3.6k listen to: namasenda - dare (pm) / khalid, 6lack, ty dolla $ign - otw / keshi - like i need u / edward maya & vika jigulina - stereo love / monsta x - addicted / brockhampton - sugar / shy martin - good together author's note: hello, i barely text men let alone sext them, so if this sucks my bad. i'm also not 100% comfy for writing any groups outside of bts, so i'm also sorry if the characterization is off. the mingyu brainrot was brainrotting tho bc if there's one thing he's gonna do it's look hot holding his phone in a photo, so. here we are. i was gonna wait and post this tomorrow but it's valentine's day so fuck it we ball. thank you: @the-boy-meets-evil, @hot-soop, & @effortandmore for checking this over and brainstorming with me. namasenda for the lyrics in the title and inspo.

Kim Mingyu Missed Call (2)

Your eyes glance upwards at the time. It’s nearing one a.m.; Mingyu’s second call came and went only a few minutes ago. The first one will have come not long after he got off stage, because they always do. There’s a script—unspoken and unacknowledged, but a script nonetheless—and Mingyu follows it religiously.

You sigh. Leave your phone on your nightstand as you change into pajamas, back into the bathroom to wash your face. Roll your eyes as you hear the texts roll in, the sound grating and ominous as it vibrates against the wood.

All part of the script.

Kim Mingyu: just got back to the hotel Kim Mingyu: you up

Also part of the script: this is the only way it goes. Maybe Mingyu wants to text you, but adrenaline’s the only reason he ever goes through with it. That post-concert high, nothing else to do with all that energy but invest it into you, and the thing about scripts is that they get old, grow stale. Always the same thing, and you can only have that conversation so many times before you get tired and rip it up.

We all have roles to play. Mingyu is the one who refuses to define what it is the two of you have, put a label on it. He’s the one who calls from countries away and speaks in that low, hushed tone. He’s the tempter, the one who holds all the cards but refuses to lay them down.

A royal flush, every single time.

And you—you’re not helpless. Not some poor creature fighting for its life in a spun-silk web. Mingyu’s capable of devouring you in more ways than one, but it’s not like that. Not really. As laissez-faire as he is, you come and go as you please, too. Perhaps it’s as mutually beneficial as it is destructive, but that’s the nature of the production; the result of the roles you two of you play.

Kim Mingyu: you ignoring me? Kim Mingyu: i saw your ig story Kim Mingyu: knock it off baby

You smile, private and sardonic, because you aren’t helpless. Sometimes it’s your web, and it’s all Mingyu can do to keep his head above water. Another role you’d borrowed from someplace else but still have memorized. Still remember all the lines, the mannerisms.

On your story: a video of you, bare skin glittering beneath the golden-fluorescent light of your bathroom; you, with your dress unzipped, the straps slipping down your arms; your hand pressed to your chest to keep yourself covered. Your back turned to the camera, visible only in the mirror, as the silk dropped to the floor.

In the settings: only two accounts given permission to see, both belonging to the same person.

In your DMs: Mingyu, on his private account with the username that looks more like a keysmash than any legible thing, reacting with the fire emoji.

Related: the image hovering just above Mingyu’s texts. The one he’d repaid you with not long after seeing your story. A mirror selfie of his own: grey sweatpants hung low on his hips, a soaked-through white t-shirt stuck to his stomach, the lines of his abs visible.

That, and everything below it—all left unanswered.

The thing about Mingyu is he’ll give chase. Doesn’t shy away from all the things he wants; isn’t shy about giving voice to them.

But he’ll never, ever beg.

(Not like this, at least. When he’s in your bed it’s always a different story. He’s a kept man, there, and kept men have no qualms about things like that. Begging for your mouth, your pussy. Begging you to let him come.)

Normally you’d let it go. Let him talk to himself in your texts, because he’s got a lot of nerve if nothing else, but you’d gone out earlier. Grabbed a few drinks with your girlfriends, let the alcohol thrum through you like a livewire. Watched as they danced with men whose names they didn’t know and never learned and thought about what it’d be like to be able to do something like that in public.

Got home, felt a little scorned, just on the edge of bitter. Made a show of taking your dress off in the bathroom mirror and posted it someplace you knew he’d look.

You: did you like it?

Rhetorical. Mingyu may not want to put a label on this thing, might not want to be caged-in and suffocated, but you know what you do to him. All the ways you affect him.

i could tell you, comes the immediate reply, and your eyes are halfway rolled when—

Kim Mingyu: or i could show you

It takes a second to come through, but once it does your breath hitches in your throat. Far from the most obscene image he’s ever sent you, but just as effective. An expanse of tanned, soft skin, lean muscle; still in those same grey sweats, bunched up a little on the thigh as he lays in his plush hotel bed with his legs spread.

At the center of it all, the outline of his hard, thick cock, so fucking big as it stretches the fabric taut.

All you can do is stare.

Mingyu is not of this earth. This thought is nothing new: he has always existed outside the realm of possibility, in more ways than one, so this is merely a fact. Grass is green, the sky is blue, sometimes you can love someone in a way that’s so overwhelming and still be no good for them.

Another fact: it’s primal, the way you need him. Always has been.

You: what am i looking at? You: new sweatpants?

On the other end of the line, it’s easy to imagine his reaction. A quick snort of laughter, tongue pressed into the fat of his cheek before he clenches his jaw. If he were here, he’d haul you into his lap, kiss you deep and messy. Trail his fingers along your skin until they settled in the hollow of your throat.

Pull away just for a second. Just long enough to say, “Watch your mouth,” before he’s licking into it.

Kim Mingyu: don’t be like that 🙄

This time your eyes fully roll. Spitefully, you snap a picture of what’s in front of you: your bedroom wall, some drama playing on the TV, a sliver of amber light from the lamp next to you.

You send it.

You: while we’re sending pictures of irrelevant shit

Truth be told, you’re not like this often, but you get a streak of it every now and then. Only ever at times like this, when the two of you haven’t seen one another in a while and the distance between you is still so ambiguous, untitled.

Usually Mingyu will come by your place. Get you stripped down to almost nothing, have you writhing on his fingers. Then, in between satisfied groans, he’ll slap at your thighs, tell you to stop being a brat.

Kim Mingyu: then send me something worthwhile You: you first

Another beat of silence. Long enough to flick through the channels, plug in your phone, let some of that heat dissipate.

Your phone chimes, and when you look down—

Those grey sweats are long gone, replaced with a pair of black briefs barely containing his cock, still hard and curved toward his stomach. You swallow. Let your eyes linger on the corded muscle of his thighs, all that soft skin. Let your mind remind you, just for a second, how it feels beneath your fingertips, your hands, your mouth.

All the sounds he makes.

Kim Mingyu: is that better Kim Mingyu: is that what you wanted

Unbidden, the corners of your mouth lift. hm… close but no, you type out. Let it sit for a few seconds before you delete it. If Mingyu wants to be a tease, you can do the same.

You situate yourself against the pillows. Angle your phone so the length of your body is visible: your bare legs twisted in the sheets, the bruise Mingyu had sucked into the inside of your thigh before he left just barely making it into the frame. What’s fully visible, though: his shirt that’s draped over your frame, how much it engulfs you, the way you’re drowning in it. In him.

You send it.

You: depends... is this what you wanted?

The response is immediate:

Kim Mingyu: absolutely not. take it off baby.

You’ve starred in this production before, knew where it was headed the second you saw the missed calls, so you’d put on his favorite of your underwear. Skimpy red lace, part of a set he’d had sent to your apartment. Used to tell you in desperate whispers how ruined he was seeing you in them; used to have to rein himself in so he didn’t rip them off.

So you snap another photo. Spread your legs a little further, pull the hem of Mingyu’s shirt between your teeth. Know seeing that sliver of your stomach will drive him crazy, too, but it’ll pale in comparison to the underwear.

You consider video calling him. Want to see his face when you send this photo—the pinch of his brows, the slight drop of his jaw. The way he’ll whimper a little, say baby in that tone that floods you with heat: a little desperate, all hushed awe, bordering on a whine.

The same kind of heat that starts to creep back in again. There’s power in desire, in being desired, and even though you’re here and Mingyu’s in a hotel room in Japan, you can still feel it. Subconscious, like some kind of red string shit. Anticipatory.

Kim Mingyu: goddamn Kim Mingyu: you wear those for me? Kim Mingyu: fuck, i wish i was there to take them off of you

You suck in a breath. and if you were? you send back.

Kim Mingyu: you know that pair is my favorite Kim Mingyu: drives me crazy every time you wear that set Kim Mingyu: but i’ve changed my mind. i want you to keep them on Kim Mingyu: want you to keep my shirt on too You: yeah? you want me to wear your shirt while you fuck me? pull my panties to the side? Kim Mingyu: slow down baby, i’m taking my time with you

In your bed, you snort to yourself. Mingyu has never been patient with anything, but especially not with you. Most of the time he’s so keyed up, wound so tight, that it’s all the two of you can do to make it to your bed—and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes Mingyu puts all that body to use, presses your back to the wall and throws your legs over his shoulders as he eats you out. Wraps your legs around him as he fucks you right there, the slide so, so easy with how wet and messy he gets you.

You remind him of as much. Type out, you? taking your time? i’ve got a couple walls in my entryway that would say differently, and laugh when the reply comes through—can’t help myself sometimes—and promptly stop laughing at the next one: never can, with you.

Kim Mingyu: have i ever told you what i love the most? Kim Mingyu: just kissing you. you always taste so good, baby Kim Mingyu: the way you get so worked up and start grabbing at me when i’m doing it. the way you try to get me to touch you. the way you start grinding your pussy on me like you can’t go another second without me inside you

You feel like you’re on fire. Gets worse with every word you read and re-read, try to commit to memory. You know it all too well, what he’s talking about. Know how warm his skin is, how firm he feels under your touch. Know what he tastes like. How soft his lips are. The way he sounds when you start to writhe, the way he groans when he presses tighter against you, presses you into the mattress, hard cock rutting against you, enough to take the edge off but nowhere near what he needs.

You: love that too You: love when you’re inside me even more

Kim Mingyu: me too baby Kim Mingyu: love the way you feel around me Kim Mingyu: always so fucking tight Kim Mingyu: ffuck

Your stomach drops at his last message. are you touching yourself? you type, even though you already know the answer. Another sight you’re blessed to know: Mingyu’s hand wrapped around himself, how the size of his cock makes it look small in comparison. Head tilted back, abs flexing under the weight of the pleasure.

You get a singular character in reply: 응.

show me.

He doesn’t respond right away. The pause is enough to have anticipation thrumming through your veins, make you a little shaky. Your hand trembles as you trace patterns into your warm, soft skin, pretending it’s Mingyu’s touch and not your own. Pretend it’s Mingyu’s hand that grabs at your breast beneath his shirt, thumbs over your nipple; Mingyu’s touch that has soft gasps escaping you. Pretend it’s Mingyu’s hand that dips beneath the hem of your panties.

Kim Mingyu Attachment: 1 Movie

On the screen: Mingyu’s face greets you first, eyes half-lidded and hazy, the corners of his mouth lifted in a smirk. He tilts his head back, lets you see the sweat-slick skin of his neck, the column of his throat; pans the camera down over his collar bones, his bare chest, before he flips the screen. Can barely fit the entirety of his frame in the shot, and it strikes you someplace deep, how big he is. How overwhelming.

You suck in a breath as your eyes focus—as you take in the way he’s stroking himself. His cock glistens with whatever lube he’d indulged in, but you can’t help but pretend it’s from you and your mouth. Wish you could see the way he’d touch himself as you sucked him nearly to orgasm and told him to finish himself off. The way he’d whine, beg a little, get a little shitty with you.

“Fuck,” you say out loud. You can feel your pupils blow at the thought.

“Jagiya,” comes Mingyu’s voice, intertwined with the sounds of the tv, a city so far away from you, “fuck, I’m so fu-fucking hard.”

If you’d thought you were on fire before, it’s nothing compared to now. Hearing the need in his voice, watching the way he’s touching himself. The way his hips stutter as his body seeks out more, more, more, always more, and the way he squeezes the base of his cock so he doesn’t come too soon.

“Wish it was you. Wish it was you touching me like this. I—fuck, need you so bad.”

You watch as Mingyu strokes over the head of his cock, as each subsequent pass gets more tacky and wet. Lick your lips at the sight of it. Want, more than anything, to get your mouth on him and taste the salt of his skin, the precome he’s jerking himself off with.

Before he even needs to ask, you start recording a video of your own. Leave your panties on because you know he’d want you to. Record the first pass of your fingers through your slick, let out a disbelieving little laugh at how wet you are, how you can hear it. Moan as you dip a finger into your cunt, just to the first knuckle. Say, “I’m so wet, Gyu, oh my god,” all breathy.

Not all that different from how you sound when he’s here. When he’s flesh and blood and right beside you, on top of you.

You use the wetness you’ve gathered and move your hand to your clit. It’s throbbing beneath your touch, your body already wound too tight, and you nearly hiss in oversensitivity and relief when you finally touch yourself the way you’ve wanted to. “Fuck.”

You force yourself to take your time. Slow, small circles, when everything in your body is screaming to be selfish, begging for release the same way Mingyu’s had.

“Should I finger myself?” you ask. A sharp inhale as your next pass has your toes curling. “Wo-won’t feel as good as you, but I need—need more.”

Before you cut the video, you zoom in a little. Make sure Mingyu will be able to see the way you’re touching yourself, be able to hear the sound of your arousal, the same sounds that have warmth blooming in your cheeks.

Kim Mingyu: jesusf fuck Kim Mingyu: god baby youre so hto Kim Mingyu: wanna see you finger yourself Kim Mingyu: please

It’s a little embarrassing, how incapable you are of denying him anything. You trust him implicitly, love him even more, so it’s second nature to give in, to adjust your phone so you don’t have to hold it. Second nature to press record, pull your panties to the side just like you’d proposed earlier; second nature to make a show of sticking two fingers in your mouth, sucking on them, before bringing them to your entrance and easing them inside.

Nothing compared to the stretch of Mingyu, both his fingers and his cock, but it’s still good. Enough to have you sighing softly, barely audible over the sound of everything else: the rustling of your sheets, the low thrum of your own television, you in general.

A rhythmic song and dance. Practiced. You grow wetter with each push and pull; know Mingyu will be able to see it, the way you work yourself open. That, too, has you a little dizzy. Breathless. You wonder what he sees when he looks at you. Not only like this, but all the time. Does he see an expiration date? Something good while it lasted? Is there just this—something carnal and superficial?

Or does he just see you?

It drives you crazy. Inspires something within you: not just the desire to please him, make it worth his while, but to be something else, something more than this. Has your fingers moving a little faster, has you grinding your clit against the palm of your hand. Has you a whining, writhing mess; has sounds spilling out that you aren’t sure you’ve ever heard come out of you.

You send it before you can overthink it. Whatever Mingyu sees in you, at least these are the images that’ll play in his mind whenever he thinks of you. At least you’ve sunk your claws into him.

Seconds pass in a blur. You’re still on the brink of a mind-numbing orgasm, stuck in this liminal space simply because Mingyu isn’t here, and you know, too, how this goes. Know you aren’t supposed to come without his say-so in the same way he edges himself until he gets yours.

Kim Mingyu: shit shit shit Kim Mingyu: i wish that was me. wanna take you apart like that. wanna finger you while i eat you out, make you squirt all over me again Kim Mingyu: fuck i thin k about that all the time Kim Mingyu: im gonna cum

I think about that all the time.

So do you. You, on your hands and knees, Mingyu eating you out from behind. Bracing yourself against the headboard with one arm, the other one reaching behind you to pull at his hair. You remember how relentless he’d been that night. A man possessed. Disregarded all your breathless pleas, every Mingyu, Gyu, fuck, fuck, Mingyu, baby— that left your mouth. His tongue left your pussy only long enough to say, you can take it, baby before he was right back at it. Before he worked in two fingers alongside his mouth. Before his free hand came down hard on your ass, the sting startling you, making you jerk, forcing you closer to his mouth.

You remember coming with a scream. You remember coming to with Mingyu’s lips to your neck, the sweet way he was speaking to you. You remember the knee-jerk embarrassment you felt when you saw the giant wet spot you’d left on the bed and how quickly it dissipated when Mingyu pressed a kiss to your temple, called you his good girl.

You: you can come, but you know the rule

You move your fingers back to your clit, feel all that pleasure flood back, start in your toes. It’s not long before you’re pulling a blistering orgasm from your body—one that feels like it belongs to Mingyu, wasn’t yours for the taking.

thank you, he replies, right beneath a photo of his abs streaked with cum.

The comedown is jarring. You feel both too big for your body and completely out of sorts now that you’ve fulfilled your role. Now that there’s nothing to do but sit in the stillness of your bedroom, that same drama playing on television, some girl getting her heart broken.

You wonder if Mingyu’s thinking the same. If his body also sags with relief, if the absence of all that tension feels crushing. If the first thought he has in this newfound clarity is also I love you and if he also swallows it down every single time. You wonder if he thinks about his role, if it’s becoming stale and tired.

Because you know what comes next:

Kim Mingyu: i’ll be home soon Kim Mingyu: can i see you

And you also know what you’ll say. After all, you’ve played this role before.

if you've made it this far thank you so much for reading! this is prob not my best work since it's a lil rushed but i needed something to get me out of my slump.

i would love to hear your thoughts! <3

#mingyu x reader #mingyu smut #mingyu imagines #mingyu scenarios #mingyu x you #mingyu x y/n #seventeen x reader #svt x reader #seventeen scenarios #seventeen smut #jewel writes

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lil--ichigo · 9 days ago

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Ranting about the mercs fanon portrayals

Scout - A loser virgin who does not know what sex is. Forget that he ends up with four kids in the comics, forget the thing with him and fried chicken girl. I agree scout has trouble with long term stuff and has a superiority inferiority complex but I've seen portrayals where he flat out does not realize characters make dirty jokes. In general they always make him act like a chronically online secretly insecure, depressed gen z teen when he's a grown ass man. He's old enough to drink and smoke. He's allowed to have horny thoughts.

Soldier - They always make him either really dumb and racist despite having a russian wife and being friends with demo or super progressive despite him hating hippies and the counter culture of the time. He says a lot of bigoted stuff but he's not racist, just ignorant. Tbh soldier's character is all over the place so I can't really say if he's stupid or smarter than he looks.

Pyro - Is heavily infanitlized like scout. People think cause of pyroland is mentally a child (which they are not) and can't have relationships which is hella ableist tbh. I'm an autistic adult who can do childish things and likes plushies but I have a boyfriend. Pyro is mentally capable enough to run a company, they can be in a relationship and do other stuff.

Engineer - Either a sweet precious angel or a deranged man with a god complex who can't take care of himself. Yes, engie refers to himself as a god, but sniper also does in one of his voicelines. But nobody is going around saying sniper has a god complex. Is Dell not all there moralwise and in the head? Yes. But people forget this man is from Texas. Man probably loves a good meal and canonically likes beer and barbecue. He has a taunt that's literally him lounging in a chair, he likes to take things slow. Work smarter, not harder. Overall I don't think he sees the point of making enemies but he's also a two faced mf who will absolutely fuck you over if you get on his bad side, but people make him a total angel or completely irredemable.

Demoman - Either completely ignored or just reduced to haha funny drunk man jokes (or worse, racist jokes). People also make him wayyy dumber than he actually is. Man has knowledge of chemistry and people rarely bring that up.

Heavy - I think people make heavy too soft. Yeah he cares for his family but people downplay his unhinged side. He's a mercenary for a reason. But overall from what I've seen I think he's suffered the least from fanon bastardization (probably cause he doesnt have many fans depsite being the face of tf2, heavy fans where you guys at) although I don't read much stuff with him in it so maybe heavy simps may think otherwise.

Medic - Apparently all his experiments are consensual despite the comics proving otherwise. Medic is not a good person, experiments on the team just because he can, not for the betterment of them. He's not a very moral person. It's okay to make him evil and a sadist guys, nobody is gonna think you support putting baboon organs into people. (btw im not defending the people who make him like a nazi or pdf, even awful people can have some morals. If he was a nazi soldier would not at all take kindly to it)

Spy - Not sure about him cause I'm not a spy fan really but if any of you guys want to ramble about spy be my guest. I guess him being uncharacteristically fatherly to scout?

Sniper - Feral man who never showers and is clingy. I have no idea where this sniper is clingy and hates to be alone in a relationship comes from cause everything we see from him implies the opposite. As a mostly touch averse person we need more touch averse sniper. He doesn't like being emotional because he thinks being emotional causes people to do awful things. And yeah he's not the most reliable narrator but in the comics he mentions how he doesn't like to make his targets suffer, he enjoys the thrill of killing as cleanly as he can, getting the perfect headshot. Also I doubt he's a clean freak but people make this man out to be a walking biohazard when poor hygine can actually be bad for his job. I mean yeah he pisses in jars but where else is he gonna go when he's up in a post for hours. Btw him being introverted doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy doing stuff with the team.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #lili's rambles #tf2 engineer #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 spy #tf2 demoman #tf2 medic #tf2 pyro #tf2 heavy #tf2 soldier

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a-babe-without-a-name · 4 months ago

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Sit Next To Me

Chapter 4: Viktor, Give It To Me.

You had created two rules for yourself.

Rule One: You could do whatever you wanted. Get the degree you want, party when you want, cancel plans when you want, love who you want. Whatever you really wanted to do, you were going to do, anxiety and guilt free.

Rule Two: You could do whatever you wanted, except for have relationships with classmates. No sex, no dating. If they were on the same course roster as you, they were off limits.

Easy enough, right?

…Right?

Viktor x Female!Reader - 18+

CW: Blood. Spoiler details in the End Notes on AO3

A.N. Christ on a mf cracker, this took me forever and it's way longer than it should be. Thank you so so so much to everyone who has left such kind comments and encouragement on the other chapters. It means the world to me. It's 1 am and I'm incredibly tired, so short author note. If I think of anything else to add, I will put more author notes in the replies.

Read on AO3

By the time Wednesday morning rolled around, you had practically pushed all thoughts of Viktor from your head. You had to, there were so many things you needed to get done and what felt like negative time to do them. You were barely halfway through week two of the semester and you were officially drowning. In retrospect, three STEM classes at once was probably a bad idea. Not only was the course load for each class borderline crushing, but it was getting hard to even keep the classes straight. The jargon between each was so similar, two of them shared a textbook, and each one had hours of homework each night.

Right now you were hunched over a table in Heimerdinger's classroom, staring down at your schedule and notes and attempted organization of the three classes, your hands buried in your hair. You were trying to decide if the page numbers scribbled into the edge of your notes with ‘4 EnviSci’ under it was for your Oceanic or General Envi-Sci class. Your focus, paired with the headphones you were wearing, prevented you from noticing when Viktor took his seat next to you. It took a moment, but when you finally did notice his movement out of the corner of your eye, you flinched hard.

“Sorry,” He laughed, eyes wide as you clutched at your chest, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Christ, you’re quiet,” You tried to joke, shaking off the startled moment and dropping your headphones onto the table.

“I said good morning and your name,” He told you, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh…” You felt your cheeks go red, “Goodmorning, sorry.”

“It is fine,” He shook his head, then craned his neck to look at the papers in front of you, “What are you so focused on, anyway?”

“My schedule from hell,” You groaned, dragging your hands down your face, you slid the papers over to show him, “I’ve fucked myself.”

“Not in the fun way?” He smirked.

“Ew, shut up,” You scoffed, swatting at his arm.

“Sorry, sorry,” He chuckled, halfway dodging away halfway taking the hit, “What is wrong with your schedule?”

“It’s just so hard to keep straight,” You sighed, “Like, yesterday I gave my Gen EnviSci homework to my Oceanic EnviSci professor and didn’t realize until it was way too late.”

“Hm, yeah, that's not great,” He agreed, “But you wanted to take both classes, no?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“And your advisor approved you for these classes, correct?” He cut you off.

“Well, yes, but-”

“Then, your advisor thinks you are more than capable of taking these classes,” He interrupted again, his force was only encouraging, “Why are you doubting yourself?”

You sighed as you looked down at you. The question was one hundred percent genuine. He was waiting for an answer.

“I…I don’t know,” You picked at the edge of the table, chewing on the inside of your cheek, “It’s just harder than I thought it was gonna be.”

“Ha, that’s what she said,” Jinx snorted as she slid into her seat across from you. Ekko rolled his eyes as he took his seat.

“Good morning Jinx,” You scoffed, “Thank you for your seven A.M. humor.”

“Anytime,” She blew you a kiss as she pulled her laptop out of her bag.

Your conversation with Viktor died as class started. You did your best to focus on the current lecture instead of dwelling on your tangled schedule.

----

You were grateful that Heimerdinger had planned a lab for the second half of class today. Heimerdinger had reasoned that it had been many months since most of the class had even stepped foot into a lab. He planned a simple titration experiment as a warm-up to the more complex projects that were to come. The groups shuffled into the crisp white lab, following Hiemerdinger as he reminded everyone about lab safety and personal protection equipment. He explained that the experiment would be straightforward but most likely take the whole two hours. He instructed the groups to split into pairs or trios to ensure that everyone took a hands-on role in the experiment. As he set everyone loose, he encouraged people to take their time and ask for help if needed.

You were glad this was a low stress lab, it gave you the perfect opportunity to assess Viktor. For as long as you had been studying science, from highschool to internship settings, it was these moments where you could tell alot about a man. You couldn’t count the amount of times a guy who seemed incredibly kind and respectful showed you how truly misogynistic and vile he really was during a lab. It wasn’t like you wanted Viktor to do something wrong, but it would definitely be easier to rid him from your thoughts if he turned out to be a dick.

“Hey, are you going to Cait’s house tonight?” Jinx asked you as your group headed to don PPE.

“Yeah, I was planning on it,” You told her, picking out a lab coat from the rack, “Are you?”

“Jayce is cooking, of course I'm going,” She snorted, and then jabbed Viktor in the ribs, “I’m assuming you’ll be there, too. Ya know, since it’s your house.”

He just nodded and hummed as he pulled on his own lab coat and safety glasses.

“Listen, I’m voting for a horror movie tonight,” Jinx told you, then pointed between you and Viktor as she walked away, “And you two should back me up on that.”

You shook your head, watching as she retreated back to the table with Ekko.

“So, partner,” Viktor said, looking down at you, “Do you wanna set up the burette or get the liquids?”

“Hm, I’ll set up the burette, if that's okay?” You asked as you reached the table.

“Perfect, I’ll be right back,” he grabbed the list of materials from the table and went off to gather what was needed.

Luckily - unfortunately?- the lab went perfect. Viktor was an incredible lab partner. He told you everything he was thinking, asked for your ideas and opinions, stepped in when you seemed hesitant about something, and let you help him when he was unsure. You two worked together perfectly, completely in sync as you worked through the lab and moved on to the equations. In the end, you and him ended up being the first pair to finish.

“No fair,” Jinx whined from across the table, four flasks of bright pink liquid spread between her and Ekko, “How are y’all done so fast?”

“Probably because they didn’t purposefully add too much titration because it made a pretty color,” Ekko groaned, rubbing his forehead on the back of his wrists.

“Well, there’s no point if I’m not gonna have fun, “ Jinx defended herself, picking up an oversaturated flask and swirling the bright pink liquid around, “Besides, only the first two were on purpose.”

“Good job, Partner,” You said, holding out a fist to him as you both started cleaning up the experiment.

He tapped his knuckles against yours, amused, “You too,”

You grinned at him as you gathered glassware to wash. When everything was cleaned up and put away, the area was nearly better than how you found it. Before you finally packed up to leave the lab, you caught a glimpse of the notes Viktor had taken to turn in and froze.

“Oh, uh hey Viktor?” You asked, tilting your head down at the paper and squinting. His handwriting was completely and utterly unintelligible.

“Hm?” He asked absentmindedly, putting his things away in his bag.

“Actually, I don’t think we should leave just yet,” You blurted out, trying to think of a way to do this nicely, “Would it be cool if we stayed to type up the notes? Uh, you know, just in case something happens to these ones.”

He narrowed his eyes at you, seeing right through the lie, “You think my handwriting is bad.”

“What? No!” You squeaked, “No,I just think it’s a good idea to have a backup, just in case.”

“Okay, well if it's not about my handwriting,” He stood and pushed the paper into your hands, “You can go ahead and type them up if you want.”

He walked away as you stared down at the pages. It wasn’t that his handwriting was bad, it was that it was too good. His words were in a sweeping and slanted cursive, written fast enough to smear the pen ink. HIs equations were crystal clear and everything else felt like trying to read a letter from the 1800s. Before you knew it Viktor was already out of the lab. The tapping of his cane got fainter as he moved farther away.

“Wait!” You yelped, walking as fast as you could through the lab without getting in trouble, trying to follow him into the main classroom. He was nearly out the door when you caught up to him, hissing, “Viktor, wait!”

“Admit you think my handwriting is bad, and I’ll help you,” He said, turning and looking at you calmly.

“I…ugh, fine,” You dropped your head sheepishly, giving in, “Listen, it’s not that your handwriting is bad, I just… can’t read it.”

He hummed, narrowing his eyes at you, searching for a lie.

“Really, I swear,” You told him, “If anything, your handwriting is actually gorgeous, I am just inept.”

“Okay okay, calm down,” He waved off your flattery, “Fine, I’ll read it, you type it.”

“Thank you,” You sighed, following him to your table in the empty classroom.

You pulled out your laptop, swiping away the pages of scheduling notes you had closed in it earlier that day. Viktor picked one of them up, glancing over it.

“You know, I didn’t get to tell you earlier,” He said, catching your eye and giving a small smile, “But I think you are very intelligent, and also very capable.”

“Oh, uh, thanks,” You fumbled as your entire face went red.

“I mean it,” He told you, in all honesty, “You’re very smart, and I think you are causing yourself undue stress over your classes.”

“Viktor, it’s fine, really,” You tried to stop him, feeling exposed by his adulation.

“All I’m saying is,” He sighed trying to find the right words, “I haven’t known you for very long, but you seem like the type of scientist who wants to do real good in the world, but you can’t do that if you burn yourself out in the first two semesters of junior year.”

You stared at him with wide eyes and swallowed hard, hoping he couldn’t tell that you were willing tears not to well, “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” he nodded and then turned away to look down at his paper, “Ready to type?”

“Uh, yeah,” You opened up a document, “Yeah, go ahead.”

As he began reading, you shook your head slightly, trying to shake the feeling he left you with. Stupid perfect lab partner.

----

After classes, the drive to the Rune Street house was quick. Luckily, your last class ended in time for you to get through the neighborhood without having to wait in school zone traffic. An old BMW wagon was sitting in the driveway next to Jayce’s Pruis, you didn’t recognize it.

You didn’t bother to knock when you went inside, “It’s me!” you shouted as you dropped your bag into the hall closet. The house smelled like spices and chiles.

“In here!” Jayce called back from the kitchen, you found him practically up to his elbows in masa.

“Starting already?” You leaned your back against the counter, watching as he tried to wrangle the dough into the bowl.

“Hey! Yeah, full house tonight. Wanted to get a jump on it, ” He shrugged, washing the dough off his hands and wrists.

“Ah, smart,” You nodded, looking around the kitchen for something to do, “Hey, who’s Beamer is out front?”

“It’s V’s,” He nodded behind you, you turned your neck to see the aforementioned roommate walking out of his room and towards the kitchen with an empty mug in his hand. He was wearing a pair of narrow wire rimmed glasses, a new addition since you last saw him this morning.

“Ha, makes sense,” You smirked at him, trying not to react to the way he looked in the glasses that would look lame on anyone else, or the fact that he drives a manual. Both of which made you feel a very particular sort of way.

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Viktor scoffed, tossing a tea bag into the trash and slotting the mug into the dishwasher.

“Nothing, it’s just very European of you,” You teased, moving to lean your hip against the counter so you could see both men, “that’s all.”

Viktor settled on the other side of the kitchen peninsula, opening up a book that was sitting there, “Hm, I’m not going to hold back on the American jokes if that’s how you’re going to act.”

“I dare you,” You narrowed your eyes on him, hoping he would take the joke as it was.

He returned the look, chewing on the inside of his lip before huffing and rolling his eyes.

“When did you two meet?” Jayce asked with a laugh, reminding you he was there.

“We’re in the same-”

“Friday night at the party-”

You and Viktor spoke at the same time. You couldn't help the shocked way you looked at him, Jayce did not need to know that.

“What?”

“We met at the party,” You jumped in, throwing a pointed look at Viktor, then laughed, “Shared a joint, but not names.”

You hoped Viktor would stick to the half lie.

“Mhm, and she transferred into my OChem class this week,” Viktor nodded, luckily not elaborating on your explanation, “Connected some dots.”

“Oh cool,” Jayce beamed, his puppy dog energy not catching whatever tension might be showing, “Sorry I didn’t get to introduce you guys, it’s cool you have class together.”

“Yeah, we’re in a group with Jinx and Ekko,” You told him, feeling in the clear about your secret not getting out. You flipped the subject anyways, just in case, “Is there anything I can help with?”

“Hm,” Jayce looked around the kitchen, thinking, “Filling is cooking right now. I was planning to make rice later and pico, too. I’ll need help putting everything together later, though.”

“Okay, cool.” You figured you could get your homework done before everyone showed up.

“Yeah. Did you get the husks, by the way?” He asked, wiping down the counter.

“Uh…” You narrowed your eyes at him, searching through your memory, “I would have if you had asked me to.”

“I did ask you to!” Jayce huffed, looking at you disappointed.

“Dude, when?” You didn’t even know he was planning to make tamales until you had walked in.

“Last night,” He crossed his arms over his chest, you resisted the urge to call him your mother, “I texted you.”

“Bro, no the fuck you didn’t,” You insisted, then turned to Viktor, “Do you know your roommate is delusional?”

“Do not drag me into this,” Viktor said, glancing up over the top of his glasses.

“I did,” Jayce argued, pulling out his phone, “You just never check your messages.”

He wasn’t wrong, you weren’t the most reliable at checking your text notifications, but you were sure he hadn’t texted you last night….well mostly sure. Jayce opened up his phone, tapping through it with purpose. Out of the corner of your eye you could tell that Viktor was poorly pretending to not care. When the smug look fell from Jayce’s face, you cackled. Without saying anything, Jayce grabbed his keys from the counter and walked towards the front door.

“I fucking told you.” You called after him, wiping a tear away as you laughed. You turned to Viktor, “He’s such a brat.”

“Eh,” He shrugged, trying to act like he wasn’t biting back his own grin.

Before you could tease him as well, your phone rang. Jayce’s photo on the screen.

“Have you even left the driveway?” You asked, rolling your eyes.

“Make the pico please,” Jayce told you, you could picture the defeat on his face, “And keep an eye on the chicken.”

“Hmm, that doesn’t sound like an apology,” You pulled a cutting board out of the cabinet anyways, “But! If you get me and Viktor drinks on the way back, you’ve got a deal.”

Viktor raised an eyebrow at you, you exaggerated a wink in response.

“That is exploitation, but fine.” Jayce huffed, “text me if we need anything else from the store.”

You laughed to yourself as he hung up, sure you’d never get tired of bickering with Jayce. He made you feel like you had a sibling sometimes. You gathered what you needed for the salsa. Jayce had made it with you enough times now that a recipe was unnecessary. When you were sure all the ingredients were present and you wouldn’t need Jayce to pick anything else up, you started to put everything together. You stood at the kitchen peninsula so that Viktor was sitting almost directly across from you. Taking advantage of the moment, you let yourself stare at him. The glasses were a…good look, for sure. The harsh black lines of the frames stood out against his pale skin. They were slid down the ridge of his nose, the edge of the frame rested just under the mole on his cheek. His eyelashes brushed against the top of his cheeks every time he blinked. He scrunched his nose just slightly as he read a sentence, eyes not moving from where they were focused as he read the same sentence again. And again.

“So, what’re you pretending to read?” You asked as you began cutting the chiles.

“Hm, interesting accusation.” He snorted without looking up, flipping the page.

“Viktor, honey, that’s the first time you’ve flipped the page in 10 minutes,” You raised an eyebrow.

He squinted at you, “I’m a slow reader…”

“Uh-huh, sure you are,” You smirked at him, teasing, “If you wanted to hang out with me you could've just said so.”

“You’re…” He narrowed his eyes, you wished you could see the list of things he wanted to call you, “somewhat self-obsessed, aren’t you?” is what he settled on.

“Yeah probably,” you shrugged, scraping the chile seeds into the trash, “gotta be sometimes.”

“Interesting philosophy,” He closed the book anyway, leaning towards you on his elbows.

“You could call it that, sure,” You rinsed your hands in the sink, trying to ward off the sting of the chile seeds, “Hey, text Jayce and tell him to get me an iced strawberry matcha, yeah? And let him know what you want, too.”

“You’re gonna hold him to that?” He pulled his phone out anyway.

“Yeah of course,” You started chopping again, “Honestly, I’m rarely right when it comes to Jayce. Gotta take advantage, ya know.”

“Huh, very big of you to admit that,” He muttered, tapping away on his screen.

“And you said I was self-obsessed,” You scoffed and then leaned over the counter, trying to peek at his phone screen, “What’d you ask him for?”

“Eh, same thing,” He shrugged, setting his phone to the side and focusing his attention back on you, “You and Jayce are close friends?”

“Yeah, of course,” You told him, nodding firmly, “One of my closest friends.”

“How’d you meet him?” He asked.

“If you’re gonna interview me, at least help,” You gathered up a second cutting board and knife, sliding it across the counter to him with an onion, “We met freshman year. We lived in the same hall. That’s how most of us became friends.”

“Ah, makes sense. So your living situation is what made everyone friends?,” He picked up the knife, and chopped the onion into quarters.

“Kinda,” You shrugged, “Jayce and Cait knew each other before coming to Piltover, so they roomed together, and Me, Lest, and Mel were put in a triple next door. Vi didn’t live on our floor, but her and Cait started on and off dating pretty quick.”

“Hm, I didn’t realize Cait and Vi’s relationship was like that,”

“Yeah, key- word was,” You told him, “No one will admit or talk about it, but their relationship started off pretty toxic. It got better after freshman year, thank god.”

He nodded, thinking about it.

“Don’t tell anyone I said that, yeah?” You asked, “It doesn't matter now anyways, they’re better, clearly.”

“Said what?” He raised an eyebrow at you, then, “What about the others?”

“What do you mean?”

“So, you lived with Mel and Lest, Cait and Jayce lived next door, and Cait started dating Vi,” He waved the knife around slightly while speaking, “How do you know Sky? And Jinx and Ekko?”

“Jayce had a class with Sky and just ended up dragging her along, she’s always been a bit of an outlying friend in the group. Not because we don’t want her around, she’s just a little more introverted than the rest of us,” You explained, “She seems to be breaking out of her shell a little bit this semester, though, which is nice to see.”

“She is very nice, I do like having her around,” He mused, you bit back a jealous comment. You turned him down, you didn’t get to have an opinion on who he liked having around.

“Yeah, she’s great. And Jinx is Vi’s sister, she’s two years younger but graduated highschool early.” You dumped the first handfuls of diced chiles into a bow, “She was a little hesitant of us at the beginning of last year. She wasn’t a huge fan of Cait, but she came around. Honestly, I probably spend more time with Jinx than I do with Cait at this point. Ekko, too. Him and Jinx grew up together, they’re practically attached at the hip.”

You stopped talking, staring down at your hands for a moment as you realized how long you had rambled.

“Ha, and you didn’t really ask for all that information,” You laughed awkwardly, “Sorry.”

“I don’t mind the details,” He assured you, you felt his eyes on your face until you looked up, no sarcasm when he said, “besides, I like listening to you talk.”

You hid your burning face by looking back down, intensely focused on the task in front of you.

“Don’t tell me that,” You tried to joke, but it was weak, “I’ll never shut up.”

He hummed quietly to himself, pleased with your reaction to him. You half expected a teasing remark, instead he asked, “What about you?”

“What?” You asked, not looking up at him.

“What about you?” He asked again, “You’re telling me about the others, but not really yourself. Where are you from?

“Why do you want to know?” You went back to cutting, eyes focusing on your hands.

“Because I do,” He shrugged, “I’m a scientist, I like to know things.”

“Huh, that’s a fair enough reason I guess,” You didn’t necessarily see the harm in telling him, but the more he knew about you the harder it would be to create distance, “I’m from here, and Maine.”

“You’re from two places?”

“I lived here when I was kid and moved to Winter Harbor when I was, like, 11,” You explained, “So, two places, yeah.”

“Why’d you move?”

“Why does anyone move at 11?” You laughed, “Because my dad did.”

“Your parents are divorced?” He guessed, pulling the bowl of chile’s towards him to scrape some of the onion in.

“Aren’t everyones,” You joked, hoping it watered down the bitterness, “I don’t mind it really. I had to go back and forth a lot until I was 16, which is really the only part that sucked. When I was old enough to work, I stopped having to go for summers and it was better.”

“Ah, so you live with…your father?”

“Yep,” You started in on the tomatoes, trying to find a serrated knife to use with no luck.

“You don’t like your mother?” The invasive question didn’t feel so invasive when he asked it.

“I love my mom,” You said, not meeting his eyes.

“Love her, but do not like her,” He concluded.

“That sounds so awful of me, but…”

“I don’t think so,” He shrugged, “You don’t get to choose your family, it makes sense not to like them 100% of the time.”

“I guess…” You frowned down at your hands, struggling to cut through the vegetable with the flat knife, “Still feel guilty about it, though.”

“Can I ask why you don’t like her?” This question was more hesitant, clearly curious to know but not expecting you to answer.

“I shouldn’t talk bad about her, she tries, ya know. But she’s just never….” You searched your brian for the right word to describe your mothers behaviors, “content.”

“Hm, how so?” He took the bowl again.

“Nothing is ever good enough for her,” You tried to explain, “My dad wasn’t enough, the east coast wasn’t enough, her second husband wasn’t enough, I’m not enough.” You laughed, not able to hide the acid in your voice, “Honestly, I’m sure she’ll decide that her new husband isn’t good enough for her either in a few years. And, yes I understand that people should have what they want and shouldn’t settle for less or whatever, but she wants too much and when you give it to her she just wants more.”

You struggled to saw through the tomato as you spoke. Your voice and irritation both raised until finally the knife slipped and skidded across your skin. You gasped, rant dying mid breath as you watched blood spring from the slice in your hand.

“Ah, you should have used a serrated knife,” Viktor pointed out absentmindedly, leaning over to look at your hands.

Your whole body tensed, frozen in place as your breathing became short and harsh. You wanted to move, to stop your blood from spilling over your skin and onto the cutting board, to do anything, but you were stuck. Fully paralyzed as more and more covered your fingers, your ears began to ring.

“Hey” Viktor waved a hand at you, calling your name as he tried to get your attention, “Are you okay?”

You couldn’t speak. You didn’t register that he had moved, but suddenly he was next to you. His fingers wrapped around your wrist and he pulled you towards the kitchen sink. The splash of cold water against your skin ripped you back to earth.

“Ah, fuck,” You hissed, trying to pull your hand away. The cut in your skin burned under the sink faucet, but he didn’t let you go.

“Stop, let me help you,” He scolded, hands still gentle.

“Ow, god, fuck that hurts,” You whined, pressing your face into the side of his arm, not wanting to look at your own hand. You fisted her hand around the back of his shirt, holding on to him like you would fall through the earth if you didn’t.

“Shh, it’s not that bad, just breathe,” His voice was soft and reassuring as he pulled your hand from under the water. You could feel him pull it closer to his face to inspect the damage.

Your eyes were screwed shut, face still pressed into him. You did as he asked and pulled in a deep breath, trying to level yourself out. The scent of him filled your head, black tea and citrus and honey. You took another breath, focusing your attention on him instead of your own body. You could feel his muscles move where your forehead was pressed to him, his shoulder blades under your fingers. Solid and strong and sturdy next to your shaking body.

“Yeah, there you go, just keep breathing.” He put your hand under the water for a few more seconds, then shut it off, “I’m gonna put pressure, okay.”

You nodded, sucking in a breath and bracing against him as he pressed a towel against your skin. You bit your lip, trying to hold back the pathetic whimper it forced out of you. You were hyper aware of the tightness of your skin where the cut was, working yourself up again.

“Hey, you’re doing fine,” He told you, holding the cloth tight to your skin, “It won’t even need stitches, I promise.”

You nodded, timing your breathing with his. Neither of you had heard the front door open or the commotion of Cait and Vi coming into the house.

“Woah, what’s going on here?” Vi laughed awkwardly, unsure what they had walked in on.

“She cut her hand,” Viktor told them, not moving from where he stood, “Cait, is there a first aid kit somewhere?”

“Yes, one second,” You heard her hurry away.

“You good?” Vi asked from outside the kitchen, unsure of how to help.

“Yep,” You squeaked out, unmoving aside from throwing Vi a blind thumbs up.

“Here it is,” You heard Cait come back into the kitchen, “How bad is it? What do you need, Viktor?”

“It’s not too bad,” He told her, you flattened your hand against his back, feeling him move when he spoke, “Just some butterfly strips if there are any, and maybe a roll of gauze”

“Yeah, here,” Cait rustled around in the kit for a moment, setting out what Viktor asked for, “Do you need any help?”

“I can handle it, thank you,” Viktor assured her.

“Sure, shout if you need anything, okay?” Cait told him, voice retreating.

You were glad she didn’t insist, already embarrassed enough by your reaction in front of Viktor. More witnesses weren’t necessary. Viktor adjusted, moving so his arm was over your shoulder to get a better grip on your hand. You let him move you around, pressing your cheek to the back of his shoulder, still breathing him in as he pinned you to his side.

“I’m sorry,” You told him, letting out a shaky breath.

“Hm, you don’t need to be sorry,” You felt his thumb rub gently against your wrist, not to help the wound on your hand, just trying to calm you down.

“This was over dramatic,” You scoffed, pressing your nose hard against him, trying to hide, “...I just don’t like blood.”

“Clearly,” He laughed gently, “lots of people don’t. I’m gonna put the bandaid on it, okay?”

You nodded, grateful for the warning. His hands were gently as he secured the cut and wrapped the gauze around it.

“There,” He said, pulling away from you, “All fixed.”

“Thank you,” You said, stepping back and examining his handiwork. The gauze banded around your hand was laid perfectly, smoothly hiding any evidence of the incident.

“You’re welcome,” He nodded, “Does it feel okay? It’s not too tight?”

“No, it’s perfect,” You smiled weakly up at him, still red in the face.

“I’m glad I was here,” He joked,“Seems like you would have bled out otherwise.”

You shook your head with a laugh, “Yeah, probably,”

He took a step over, putting himself between the counter and you, “Don’t panic, but there is blood on the counter. Do you want to go sit down while I clean it up?”

“Oh, gross,” You cringed, “No, I can clean it up.”

“Are you sure?” He held a hand out to the side, as if to catch you were you to faint.

“Yeah,” You assured him, “I’m good now, I’m okay.”

He let you step past him to get to the counter. There was less blood than you had expected, which did nothing to ease the embarrassment of your dramatics. Carefully you dropped the knife into the sink and scrapped the mutilated tomato into the trash. Viktor, unable to not help, grabbed a rag and wiped down the counter. You turned the hot water on, rinsing away the tomato seeds and drops of blood. It wasn’t until you stepped away from the counter that you noticed the smear of blood across the bottom of your t-shirt.

“Aw fuck,” You pouted, pulling the fabric away to look at it. The stain wasn’t huge, but it was obvious against the light colored fabric. It made your stomach turn to see your own blood so bright on your clothes.

“You have bad luck with stains in this house,” He told you, taking a second to pick up on your unease, “Do you want to borrow a shirt?”

“Oh, uh, yes,” You admitted, chewing on your bottom lip, “If that’s okay.”

“Wouldn't have offered if it wasn’t okay,” He told you, already grabbing his cane from where he had rested it against the cabinet and heading out of the kitchen.

You followed him to his room just off the main living space. It was your room from the summer. Except it wasn’t your room, not at all. You had been living awkwardly out of a pair of suitcases for 4 weeks. This was Viktor’s room.

You hadn’t known him long enough to even think about what his room would be like, but you were sure you would have been exactly right. It was very him. Tidy and warm, posters and art on the walls placed perfectly, bed made, shoes lined up by the door. The only part of the room that wasn’t neat was his desk and what seemed to be a work table. Both covered in papers and books and pieces of machines.

You stood there awkwardly in the middle of his room, watching as he dug through his dresser to find you something to wear. He pulled out a navy t-shirt and brought it to you.

“If I let you borrow this,” He said, pulling it just out of reach, “You must promise to bring back my other one.”

“What?” You narrowed your eyes at him, hand frozen halfway to the shirt.

“The other night, it wasn’t Jayce’s shirt that you took,” He teased, biting back a smirk when your jaw fell open.

“Dude, what the fuck,” You felt heat creeping up your cheeks again, your shoulders curled up as you shrank away from him, “Why didn’t you say it was yours?”

“Eh, you looked good in it,” He shrugged, holding the shirt out to you.

You rolled your eyes with a huff. Then, deciding you wouldn’t let this be a one sided game, straightened your shoulders and looked Viktor in the eyes.

“So, you like seeing me in your clothes?” You asked, tilting your head and furrowing your eyebrows slightly at him.

He practically took a step back, startled by your change in demeanor. Before he could respond you pulled your shirt over your head, staring him in the face as you shook your hair out. He sucked in a hash breath, eyes wide and mouth open as he looked at you. He swallowed hard, gaze traveling across your torso and face turning pink. You couldn't help the childish pride as you watched him falter.

“So the braless look this weekend was a style choice?” He joked with a nervous laugh, following the lines of your plain bra.

“Yep,” You reached out, trying to take the shirt from his hand, but he pulled it away again.

You followed, stepping closer as you tried to get it. Your hand followed it past his shoulder until he was close enough to land a hand on your bare waist.

“Viktor, give it to me.” You warned, as he kept the shirt out of your reach.

“Was this from me?” He breathed, completely ignoring your request as he brushed his fingers across the bruises on your hip.

“Duh, who else?” You snarked, freezing under his hand, “Very rude to leave marks on someone without asking, by the way.”

He scoffed, and pulled the collar of his shirt down to show a matching bruise on his collarbone, “You are one to talk.”

“Not my fault you bruise easy,” You shrugged, trying to keep your voice steady as he traced a line between each mark on your body. You shuddered when he pressed into his own teeth marks on your shoulder, deciding that was enough.

You gave one last reach and snatched the shirt out of his hand, taking a few steps away from him. You squeezed your eyes shut with your back to him, willing every feeling in your body to stop. You focused your attention on the t-shirt, unfolding it to see it was an old camp shirt. Poradce was in small white letters on the left chest of the shirt, and the back had a logo of an atom and Sýkora printed across the back. You pulled it on, doing your best to hide any reaction to him giving you a shirt with his last name on it.

“Science camp?” You asked, pulling your hair out from the neckline as you raised an eyebrow at him.

“I was a counselor,” He told you, seeming to recover from whatever had just occurred, “Paid well and looks good on applications.”

“Fair,” you nodded at him, also feeling the tension ebb away.

“Plus, teaching children how to make small explosives is entertaining,” He admitted with a smile.

You laughed at the mental image, “You’ll have to tell Jinx about that, she will demand you teach her.”

“Hm, I believe that would make me an accomplice in whatever she decides to do with that knowledge,” He cringed, laughing with you.

“Uh, thanks again for the shirt,” You said,trying to fill the almost awkward silence.

“Of course. Sorry for making you talk about your mom, by the way,” He twisted his cane on the ground, “I feel bad about that.”

“Eh, don’t worry about it,” You placed your hand on his wrist, stopping his movement, “Really, it’s fine. Not your fault that I get a little crazy whenever I think about her.”

“Yeah, well now I know not to ask you about things like that when you have a knife in your hand,” He laughed, “I’m lucky you didn’t stab me.”

“Next time I will,” You raised your eyebrows with the light threat.

You wondered if you were looking up at him the way he was looking down at you, pupils blown, cheeks dusted a pretty pink, lips slightly parted. You opened your mouth to say something, not anything in particular just something to keep him looking at you. Before you could think of something to say that wouldn’t make you sound unintelligent, movement out of the corner of your eye caught your attention.

“Is that a snake?” You gasped, stepping around him to get a better look.

The large tank was set around the corner of his L shaped room, just out of sight from where you were standing. A small pink snake was moving across a branch leaning against the glass. You crouched down, looking at her through the glass. She was young and a pale pink color, her eyes the bright red that animals with albinism have.

“That’s Rio,” He said, walking up next to you and crouching down to look at her.

“She’s gorgeous,” You smiled at the snake, moving to get a better look at her, “Is she young?”

“Yeah, she hit four months a couple days ago,” He told you, you could see him watching you in the reflection, “Do you want to hold her?”

“Can I?” You felt like a kid.

“Yeah, of course,” He laughed, straightening up and moving to the front of her tank, “She’s very sociable, likes to be held.” He opened the tank from the front, sliding the glass open.

Slowly he reached in, “Pojď sem,” He muttered, coaxing her out and into his hand. She moved calmly across his hands, looking around as he brought her to his chest. He smiled down at her fondly, as she moved across his shirt. He motioned you closer with a free finger, using his other hand to steer her away from his face.

“She’s so pretty,” You marveled, taking a closer look at the pattern on her back, “Is she a corn snake? I’ve never seen a snake this color before.”

“Yeah, she’s a salmon snow corn snake. It’s a gene mutation,” He explained, pulling her off his glasses, “A homozygous red factor that makes her very pink, she’ll probably get more color as she gets older. You can pet her, she’ll probably crawl into your hands when she realizes you're there.”

“So cool,” You breathed, reaching out for her.

Gently you brushed your hand against her back, her smooth scales were warm under your fingers. She turned her head towards you, slowly moving to your palm. Viktor helped her into your hands, holding on until she was cradled against you. She immediately wrapped herself around your wrist, and wriggled up the borrowed shirt.

You laughed, letting her move towards your face. She bumped against your cheek, tongue flicking out curiously, “Sorry Rio, no glasses to chill on.”

You pulled her away from your face, watching as she moved between your hands and around your arms.

“She likes you,” He told you. You raised an eyebrow at him not convinced, “No, really, she has a lot of personality for a snake. Very selective on who she decides to like.”

“Yeah, I’m sure me wearing your shirt has nothing to do with it,” You rolled your eyes, grinning up at him.

“Just let me compliment you, okay?” He huffed, reaching out to pet Rio.

“Fine, I’lll accept that I’m your snake’s new favorite person,” You joked.

“Hey, I don’t know about favorite,” He backtracked with a laugh, smirking down at you.

He was as close as you could be to you without squishing Rio between your bodies. Hand under yours, to support the pet of course, no other reason. In this moment - wearing his t-shirt, in his room, holding his pet, sharing his space - you knew for a fact that he was going to cause a lot of trouble in your life.

The sound of people arriving in the house pulled you away from the thought

“Viktor!?” Jayce shouted from the living room.

“In here!” He called back, not looking away from you. You looked back down at Rio, watching her in an attempt to hide the heat in your face.

“Oh, hey guys…” Jayce said, a hint of confusion in his voice as finding you arguably very close to Viktor in his room.

“She’s meeting Rio,” Viktor told him, taking a step back so you could turn to face Jayce.

“She’s so cute,” You told him, turning to show the small snake in your hands.

Jayce grimaced, “Yeah, sure.”

“No fucking way you don’t like her,” You gasped a his distaste.

“I’m sorry,” He shrugged, “I don’t understand the appeal of a predatory reptile.”

“Did you just call this actual angel a predator?” You gawked, carefully holding Rio up towards him.

“That’s exactly what it is,” He affirmed, “Your tea is on the counter, did you finish making the pico?”

“Rude,” Viktor muttered, gently taking Rio from your hands, holding her up to his face and telling only her, “You are not a predatory, moje malá princezna.”

“Not yet,” You waved your bandaged hand at him as Viktor placed Rio back in her tank, “Little mishap.”

“Jesus christ, are you okay?” He asked as you and Viktor walked out of the room.

“I’m fine, just dramatic,” You admitted with a laugh, grabbing the matcha Jayce had brought for you and handing the other to Viktor.

“Very dramatic,” Viktor agreed, side eyeing you as he took a sip of the tea.

“Hm, wanna finish it up while I get everything else ready?” He said, eyeing the lack of space between your shoulder and Viktor’s.

“Yeah, for sure,” You took a step away, hating yourself over the fact that you missed the rush of being close to him.

“Cait’s home, by the way,” Viktor told Jayce, hanging his cane on the counter and settling back into one of the stools where his book was, “With Vi.”

“Oh cool,” Jayce pulled what he needed out of the fridge to assemble the tamales, “Mel said she’s on her way with Lest and Sky.”

“Good,” You nodded, biting the inside of your cheek and reminding yourself that Sky was a friend that you loved very much and you weren’t allowed to have an ounce of animosity towards her, “Should be done pretty quick.”

You pulled the bowl of chopped chiles and onion out of the fridge and gathered tomatoes to cut. One short.

“In the dishwasher,” Viktor said, watching you from across the counter.

You raised an eyebrow at him.

“The serrated knife is in the dishwasher,” He told you, more caring than mocking when he said, “Don’t use a flat blade.”

“Thanks,” You pulled the knife out of the dishwasher and hand cleaned it in the sink before starting to dice the tomatoes. A much easier task with the proper tool.

You were normally more than comfortable in Jayce’s presence, but right now you felt less welcoming. You wanted to be around just Viktor. You wanted to talk to him however you wanted, about whatever you wanted. You didn’t want to create space between you and, for a moment, you resented Jayce for making you feel like you needed to.

All bad signs. You turned Viktor down. You didn’t want to date him. You didn’t want to sleep with him. You didn’t want to kiss him.

All lies. You could do all those things right now if you let yourself. You wouldn’t though. Letting yourself get tangled in relationships with a classmate caused nothing but problems for you in the past. It was the one agreement you made with yourself, you had to be strong enough not to break it.

“You’re going to cut yourself again,” Viktor’s calm voice pulled you out of thought, he was barely even looking up at you over the rim of his glasses, eyes flickering down to the knife dangerously close to your fingertips. He raised an eyebrow, a silent question. You hated how readable you apparently were.

You set the knife down on the cutting board, staring down at the seeds and flesh. You heaved a sigh, picked up the board, and moved to the other side of the kitchen. Facing away from Viktor. You couldn’t see him, he didn’t say anything, but you could feel his eyes on your back. You swallowed hard, hating the feeling of being pulled in two conflicting directions.

---

You kept your distance for the rest of the evening, deciding that the acceptable quota of time to be close to him in one day had been used up. Viktor didn’t question you aside from a few narrow eyed looks that you ignored, opting instead to ask Jayce to play music while you and him started the cooking process.

When the girls showed up, it was easier. Lest took up your attention, excitedly telling you about a baseball player she was paired up with in her history class - dumb as a rock, but pretty as all hell - and worried over your hand. Sky squeezed herself into Viktor’s bubble, sitting close to him at the counter. You heard her apologize for being drunk on Friday night, he laughed it off. Called it cute. Luckily, Sky did her best to absorb all of his attention. She made awkward small talk with him, not wanting their somewhat boring conversation to end. It kept you from thinking about him all afternoon…clearly.

At the very least you had managed to avoid his physical presence until after dinner. He sat between Jayce and Sky on one end of the table, while you were at the other. He washed dishes in the kitchen and you wiped down the table in the dining room. You helped Cait set up the living room and he helped Jayce connect his laptop to the TV.

It wasn’t until the movie was decided on and everyone began settling down into the living room that an afternoon of self restraint came to an end.

Of all the space in the living room, Viktor decided the only place he wanted to sit was directly next to you. Something that seemed like nothing to anyone else, including Sky who took up his other side. You didn’t miss the look Lest gave as she sat down on your other side or the way Viktor knocked his knee against yours with controlled force.

“You like horror movies?” He asked you casually, as if you hadn’t kept him at farther than arm's length for the past couple of hours.

“Yeah, good ones.” You told him with a shrug as the opening credits to The Descent started.

“What constitutes a good one?” He raised an eyebrow, closer to you than you had planned to let him.

“If I like it, then it’s good,” You shrugged, pulling your foot under you.

“Hm, interesting criteria,” He laughed, rolling his eyes at you as everyone else settled into their seats

He didn’t push. Didn’t rest a hand against you or move an arm over your shoulder. He let you exist in peace, your bubbles pressed close but not breached. You managed to reach out to Lest during jump scares, holding on to her hand when your heart jumped. A few times when he flinched you saw his hand hover near yours, just for a second, before he placed it against his braced knee. He picked at the fraying edge of one of the velcro closures, fingers flexing whenever the tension raised on screen.

It wasn’t until a climbing rope was ripped through one of the girls' hands on screen that you gave in. The shot of blood spurting dramatically from her palm made your stomach turn. You gasped and instinctually looked away, pressing your closed eyes against Viktors arm as you cringed. He grabbed your knee then, squeezing gently.

“It’s over,” He whispered close to your head after a moment.

You took a deep breath and looked back up, the image gone from the screen. He retreated his hand from your knee as you relaxed back into watching. Not long after this, Jayce paused the movie, standing up and stretching his back.

“All right, intermission or I’m gonna piss myself,” He said, leaving to use the bathroom.

“Booo,” Vi whined, chucking a pillow at his back as he left. Cait giggled and placed a hand over her girlfriend's mouth.

Lest leaned her head on your shoulder, looking up at you with puppy dog eyes, “Grab me my water bottle?”

“Brat,” You pushed her off, but stood up anyways, “Where is it?”

“In my bag on the hook,” She called after you as you went to get it.

A few of the others hopped up to grab things or readjust how they were sitting. When you handed Lest her water bottle and settled back down into your seat, you felt like you had less space. You couldn’t tell if the cramped feeling was in your head or not, and you decided to ignore it. You pulled your leg back up underneath you and ended up resting the edge of your knee on Viktor’s thigh.

“So, is this a good horror movie based on your criteria?” He asked, not reacting to the contact.

“Eh, hard to say,” You told him with a shrug, “So far it’s good, but it definitely loses points for that rope vs hand situation. Plus, it’s not over. The last, like, twenty minutes are make or break for a horror movie.”

“You’ll have to give me your official opinion at the end,” He said, tapping your knee.

“Don’t worry, Viktor,” Lest said, leaning over you towards him, “She’ll give everyone her opinion when it’s over, she always does.”

“What?” You gasped at your roommate.

“It’s true, you make your opinion very known,” Cait said, standing in front of the couch with her digital camera, “now, smile!”

You flipped her off when the camera flashed. When Jayce got back, everyone settled back in to finish the movie. At some point, you weren’t sure exactly when, but Viktor’s hand found yours in the space created by your knee propped against his thigh. He didn’t react at all, there was no outside sign to anyone else that he was sliding his cold fingers against your palm. You weren’t sure he even knew he was doing it, not until you laced your fingers with his. He took a deep breath, easily playing it off as a reaction to the movie, but you could feel his pulse quicken when you squeezed his hand gently. You stayed like that the rest of the movie, hardly able to focus on anything that was happening on screen with the weight of his hand in yours.

---

On the drive home, you were sure lest was going to explode. She sat in the passenger seat of your tiny pickup truck, practically vibrating as you drove back to campus. Sky leaning against the window in the backseat sleepily. A few times she almost asked. You could see her from the corner of your eye, leaning in, biting at her nail, mouth opening to say something and closing it before she could.

As soon as Sky was out of earshot, up the steps towards her own dorm building, Lest stopped holding back.

“Did you fuck him again?” She hissed, throwing you off balance as she latched onto you

“Jesus Christ Lest,” You grimaced, shoving her off, “No, why would you think that.”

“Because he wouldn't stop looking at you like you’d given him the best head of his life,” She told you matter of factly.

“Okay, first of all, no he wasn’t,” You scoffed, “And second, I told you I turned him down. I’m not planning to go back on that anytime soon.”

“Okay, so you're blind, good to know,” She said, tapping her ID and holding the door open for you, “And does not anytime soon mean sometime in the future?”

“I don’t know, maybe,” You pulled your ears to your shoulders, stomping up the stairs.

“Whatever you say,” She sang as you reached your room. You groaned and dropped yourself face down into your bed, “But I’m not the one wearing his last name on my back."

You stiffened, forgetting about the shirt you were wearing. She had you there, for sure. You realized you hadn’t mentioned it to anyone. You wondered what they thought. If anyone even noticed. You hoped that they had come to the correct conclusion that your shirt was a casualty in the hand accident. Jayce and Cait and Vi were the only ones that knew you were alone with him. The two girls did find you clinging on to him like your life depended on it, and Jayce had found both of you in Viktor’s room. You debated if it was worth it to clarify to the three of them that you and Viktor were not fucking. Then again, if they weren't already thinking that was the case, it would sound very suspicious for you to bring it up.

“I’m gonna go shower,” She told you, gathering her things, “No masterbating while I’m gone.”

“Ew, lest shut the fuck up,” You groaned, flinging a pillow at the door as it closed.

You rolled over in bed, staring up at the ceiling and rubbing the hem of the shirt between your fingers. You had two of his shirts, and now that you were thinking about it, he had two of yours. You gave in to the urge and pulled the neckline of the borrowed shirt to your nose. Unsurprisingly it smelled like him. When you closed your eyes you could picture yourself standing back in his bedroom, as close to him as you wanted to be. The smell of honey and black tea and orange filled your head, an underlying scent of something that was just him. Human and warm and soft.

You pressed the heels of your hands into your eyes, willing away the thoughts of him. You grabbed your phone, hoping for a distraction. You had barely even unlocked it when an Instagram notification sprung up.

kirraman.cait has tagged you in a post

You opened the app to see that Cait had posted the photos she took on her digital camera. They were cute, all time stamped from just a few hours ago. There was a barely focused selfie of Cait and Vi with their cheeks pressed together, and a picture of Jayce, Ekko, and Jinx in the kitchen finishing the tamales, and a few other cute ones that you were going to ask Cait to send you. The last one was of You, Lest, and Viktor sitting on the couch. It was the moment that you had flipped her off, an unamused look on your face as both Viktor and Lest laughed.

He was tagged as well. You stared at the little its_viktor hovering over his head in the photo. You chewed on your lip, debating. It was just social media. It would be weird if you weren't friends online, honestly. You click on his profile, grateful that it was public. Only ten posts and about as many followers as accounts he followed. You clicked on the newest one, a mirror picture of him in his bathroom holding up Rio, no caption but the photo was also his profile picture.

You kept scrolling, there was at least four months between posts, sometimes even a whole year, and most were captionless. One of the few to have a caption was him in a hospital bed, looking fresh out of a surgery and giving a weak thumbs up. The caption read ‘Žil jsem, děvko.’, you snorted when the translation told you it said ‘I lived, bitch.’ in english. The rest were fairly simple. Photos of landscapes, the university he transferred from, a highschool graduation picture, some harmless device he made as a camp counselor, decorated with stickers and plastic gems by whatever kids he was working with.

The very first one was your favorite. A selfie of the 17-year-old versions of Viktor and Jayce. Jayce was holding the camera with one hand and the other arm slung over Viktor’s shoulders, squeezing him close. Both boys beamed at the camera, looking younger than you could even imagine them being. You could tell they were wearing matching t-shirts, probably from the Young Innovators Program they had met in so many years ago. Jayce’s current instagram was tagged in it, and you were a little surprised that you had never come across Viktor’s page before. Maybe you had and just didn’t realize it. The blush across Viktor’s cheeks was endearing, seeing them so close together was sweet. Until today you hadn’t been in the same room with both Jayce and Viktor at the same time. It was a little jarring how different they were, both physically and in personality. In a way, it made sense that they were such good friends.

You double tapped the photo without thinking. A white heart popping up over the photo for half a second. In the other half of that second, your heart dropped.

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.” You muttered, unliking the photo and closing out the app. You dropped your phone on your chest and slung an arm over your eyes, “Fuck!”

Only a second went by before your phone vibrated. You were borderline crushed to see a text from Viktor. His number wasn’t saved in your phone yet, you had been putting it off after Jinx added you to the group chat, but you knew it was him

I saw that.

You debated blocking him, or maybe moving to another state.

I don’t know what ur talking about

You were never going to hear the end of this from Lest.

Ya, sure you don’t.

Only a moment later and a new notification popped up on the top of your screen.

Its_viktor liked your photo

You clicked on the notification. It brought you to one of your posts from almost 3 years ago. It was one from your trip to Greece right after graduation. You were in the ocean, holding onto the side of a paddleboard with one hand with a small red octopus tangling around the other. Your cheeks were red enough to match the cephalopod, but you were smiling wide anyway. Aside from the notification there was no evidence that Viktor had liked the photo.

You opened his profile back up, hit the follow button, and turned your phone off. You laid there staring up at the ceiling and wishing he had been rude about the incident. Of course he wasn’t. He was the perfect fucking lab partner, and he was going to haunt you all semester.

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amaranthineghost · 1 year ago

Text

DOUBT SEEPS INTO ME AND I CAN’T GET IT TO STOP (BUT YOU CAN) ( charles leclerc. )

charles leclerc x reader

uncertainty plagues her mind, and self-sabotage looms over her shoulder, as if its whispering in her ear to tell her it’s a bad idea. he still manages to be the voice on top of all her doubts at the end of the day.

authors note: literally wrote this because this is how i felt while i waited for the days to pass so i could ask the guy i like for his number. mf got me feeling in love and shit, listening to mitski and lana del rey, writing fucking poems. liking a guy is the best and worst thing ever. gonna work on other things soon tho!

THE THOUGHT OF LOVE twisted her stomach into knots. even the mere thought of simply asking a guy for his number made her body churn with anxiety and the looming feeling of rejection held over her head.

relationships never lasted for her because she wouldn’t let them, the idea of getting too attached and the possibility of it shattering her heart was too great to risk it. she would watch from afar, stalk his socials, but never had the guts to approach him, or even look his way.

all throughout high school, she dreamed of a relationship that others around her had, but she lacked everything they didn’t. social skills were never her things, and confidence was something she always lacked. she just wanted to be a teenage girl in love, and she wouldn’t get that. she wasn’t sure she ever would.

she felt as though she was unloveable. even though it was so easy for her to give love, it was far harder to accept it. if anything, it was impossible for her to even imagine doing so. her trust was a thin thread that always seemed to snap. no matter how many times she tried to re-tie it, it always came back undone.

it wasn’t like she never liked any guys, boy she did, but the chase factor was a part of every single one. she never had guys come to her, and she would never go to a guy. still, she chased and chased, yet she never caught up. she worried she never would.

she worried she would never experience the thrill of being in a relationship, all because that thrill was shrouded with anxiety, uncertainty and distrust, though the distrust mostly lied within herself. deeply rooted in her brain was the idea that she wasn’t capable of ever accepting she could be loved, that someone would ever be so patient, understanding, and wanting.

she wanted it so bad, yet she felt like this. it felt stupid, she felt stupid. she felt like a walking contradiction because she couldn’t make up her mind. her heart wanted one thing, and her mind shut it out. a defense mechanism that she felt could never disable, that tinkering with it would only worsen the intensity. deep breaths only temporarily stopped the nausea that plagued her stomach, but only giving the man, the one she so desperately craved to be with, up would change how she felt.

she was a hopeless romantic at heart, but at mind, she was never going to let love in. as much as she held out her accepting arms, vines adorned with thorns grew through her veins, lacing her fingertips with sharp edges to cut back anyone who would try to get close.

the week leading up to finally getting his number went by so painfully slow; she had built herself up too high in those days. she worried she would come crumbling down before she even managed the chance of getting close. from afar she watched, glances exchanged and she gushed to her friends, but she could never be so sure that they were meant for her. after all, she was just an employee for ferrari, he was an athlete in the sport.

her friends were unsure if the brunette was the right fit for the girl, if he was even attainable at all. he was known for being a red flag among fans, he literally drives for a team based around the color red. she didn’t care, she was convinced he was right for her, but still she was scared she wasn’t his type. she knew he wasn’t taken, his entire private life, which was never even private to begin with, was broadcasted across the internet. if he had found someone new, she would know, and for now he hadn’t.

oh, she desperately wanted to be a wag. who wouldn’t? her job made it complicated though, she worked under the team, she didn’t have authority anywhere, she was a nobody. she never knew how she managed to catch his striking gaze to begin with.

she thought she would’ve looked like an idiot, an awkward, nervous girl in front of the charles leclerc, prince of ferrari. she felt like one, maybe she was, but the way he looked down at the shorter girl gave her the courage she needed to mutter the words she had thought about saying everyday for the past week.

“uh—could i get your number?” she barely managed out, she was nervous, it was evident in her tone and the way her voice was up an octave. his brunette hair and green eyes were enchanting, she had fantasized about him for that week. she even went as far as making a playlist to listen to to occupy her time, laying around when she wasn’t at her job. she had never been this lovesick for a guy in her entire life until she first laid eyes on him.

the sick feeling in her stomach became all too familiar, she hated it at first, but now she began to feel comfort in the sickness, and began to miss it over the weekend. the mopey love feeling of hopelessness while listening to lana del rey, or mitski. the fantasization of how the scenario would play out in her favor etched itself into her brain.

the moment of silence was harsh, she could feel the rejection coming. she braced herself for it, holding her breath.

he looked down at her with those damn eyes, a certain gleam in the light reflection over his pupils, part of her knew his response before he did. a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips as he pursed his lips to hide the smile forcing its way on his face.

he couldn’t deny the pretty girl in front of him, he could tell she dolled herself up for this, for him. he wouldn’t let her efforts go to waste, but that wasn’t the sole reason he didn’t reject her. her confidence sparked something inside of him.

he had plenty of girls who threw themselves at him, buying him drinks, or whatever they could to get their hands on him and themselves in his bed. she was different, a breath of fresh air in the fog. her awkward nervousness was endearing. he hadn’t meant to leave her hanging so long, but he admired her.

his smile brightened, looking down at the phone she clutched so tightly, her skin began turning white. “of course, darling.”

she certainly hadn’t expected to hear the words and yet she did. she was so unprepared, scrambling through her phone. should she write it in her notes app? should she go ahead and shoot him a text? what should she send? should she send a ‘hi’ text? should she send him an imessage game? the music she had listened to throughout the week hadn’t prepared her for this.

his brow raised at her, his arms crossed in front of him as he watched her panic slightly. he was so patient, waiting for her cue that she was ready to take his number and save it in her phone. he recited the string of numbers to her and she smiled internally. she was so giddy inside, yet she couldn’t show it. she couldn’t show how much this excited her, but she would talk her friend’s ear off at her actions because for once she had done something to take a step forward towards a relationship she wanted.

“thank you!” she squeaked out, mentally facepalming—she sounded a little too grateful for something as simple as his phone number. she couldn’t wait to run far away and into the corner of her work office, hiding behind her job position.

he smiled as she scurried off, looking at his phone as it lit up at the movement. he knew to expect the text from the girl later, not now though, because he could feel the nervousness radiating from her body.

later that night, he had received the very text he had been waiting to see. an unsaved number with a blank contact photo he knew was her without reading the contents of the message. his stomach fluttered at the words in the texts, and the following imessage game, 8 ball. it was oh, so endearing to him.

the text contained a simple ‘hiii’ and a simple reminder that she was the girl who asked for his number—as if he had been handing his number out to other people. he texted back, it was simple enough because he didn’t want to scare her off, but he also didn’t want her to overwhelm with worry that he just wasn’t interested in her. he was.

simple texts throughout the day, telling each other what they’re doing, company lunches whenever they had time. flying her out to watch his races, inviting her to his driver's room to watch the race from there because the possibility of their relationship becoming a reality was just a secret for now. the entire process he was just so understanding, it baffled her. he was gentle, like a dog laying their head in your lap, so blissful and light. days he would lay across a couch with his head in her lap as he let her mess with the strands of his dark, brunette hair. she commented on different, potential haircuts his mother could give him and he chuckled at the ridiculous ones she suggested.

something so simple showed her the trust he gave her, the trust he was slowly earning.

slowly, they hung out more. instead of spending his time in clubs after podiums, he spent time with her in his drivers room, or a restaurant about to close—he would leave a hefty tip for the inconvenience.

eventually, she would appear in his garage, watching with a headset on her ears, simply posing as a ferrari employee holding more importance than she really did—except to charles, she held all the importance in the world.

she never knew how he didn’t get pricked by the thorns adorning her body, how not a scratch tainted his even skin, not a drop of blood.

maybe it was because he knew that behind the thorns that laced her body, waiting was a rose. a reward so sacred and so fragile. to be shielded from the world in his very arms was her trust, her love, her mind, her thoughts, her everything.

in his arms, she felt everything she longed for; security, openness, trust, loyalty. he showed her what her heart was worth.

—

taglist (found here): @decafmickey @slut4lrh @kaa12 @taylorslovesswifties13 @sbella13 @nhlfs @beskardroids @hiireadstuff @lorenica @delululeclerc @c-losur3 @casperlikej @thearchieves @soamericn

proofread by @foreveralbon <333

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olderthannetfic · 2 years ago

Note

Jeez, this entire drawn out convo is embarrassing and done to death. BL is romance. It's bound to the same romance tropes as MF and FF, id-driven as many of them are. If you don't like how a male character is written, that just means you don't like the story; move on. A lot of romance and horror both function on the premise of "romanticizing" and "fetishizing" things that wouldn't be desirable in real life. Yes, horror movies do portray murder as something fun for the audience. That's why people like slashers flicks from the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s. It even became a trend that people would watch the intro of the slasher to see which teenagers are the most annoying, so it's fun when Jason or Freddy or Michael Meyers, or whoever kills them gruesomely. That's why we love the Final Destination films! That's why we like Saw! It's why we like The Evil Dead! It's why we like Wrong Turn! It's why we like Scream! Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Child's Play, Halloween! They're tropey horror slashers with elaborate, gorey murder scenes that become such spectacles of themselves that by the end of the franchises, there's so much blood and viscera that the scenes are parodies of themselves. They're beloved all over the world. And people cheer for the murders in theaters! People love cheering for Freddy Krueger and Michael Meyers, and Jason when they disembowl some 15 year old who was probably just off drinking illegally with their friends. People love cheering for them so much, that there're are crossover films so we can cheer as they fight each other. These are such well-known tropes in horror that they've become cemented in popular culture, so movies like Cabin in the Woods are made. It's popular, extremely so, and I don't know how someone can go 20 years of life and not realize this. Just like how people like reading Twilight wherein Edward basically stalks Bella. Women don't want to be stalked in real life, but they like Edward because it's just a story. No one wants to date a man like Christian Gray in real life, but he's hot in a story. No one wants a guy like Ryouma Ichijou in real life, but it's fun in a tropey BL. The audience is supposed to like him because they want the main couple to get together. If it's not your thing, just don't watch it and move on to something else. The world will keep spinning.

And a lot of people like stories from the antagonists' perspective because it's interesting. This doesn't appear often in things made for children because it's for children, so it has some small responsibility of modeling behavior... because it's for kids. Things for adults don't have all these restrictions because as an adult, you should be able to judge right from wrong in real life, so you can just relax and watch Hannibal Lector abuse and manipulate Will in Hannibal without having an existential crisis about the moral fabric of society decaying. If you can't handle it, you should leave the training wheels on because genre fiction for adults will not always hold you hand--because you're an adult, and you should have common sense to know "murder/sexual assault/stalking/harassment/etc is bad in real life." Children below the ages of 4-5 aren't supposed to watch things like Spongebob for this same reason: they can't tell the difference. If you're an adult, you should be capable of that much, at least.

BL studies is an established academic field that discusses and examines BL across the world in different media forms: manga, manhwa, manhua, anime, donghua, live action, etc. from different countries. Read articles from professionals. Learn about BL and geicomi since apparently it also has to be reiterated that the characters in BL--yes, even the thin, waifs--look like straight men in East Asia. They're ikemen. There are different stereotypes of what queer men look like all over the world, wild concept, I know. The stereotype of what gay men look like in E. Asia are chubby bears, like plumbers, or super ripped men, like the body types typically featured in geicomi, the stories made by men for a male target audience.

Yes, many popular youtubers/breadtubers say convertly puritanical talking points in their videos. Few, if any, actually have media literacy. And few are actually transgressive or nuanced in their discussions of fiction or fandom. If they were, Google wouldn't promote them. You should try reading up more about radfem/TERF theory to recognize these talking points. Everyone who thinks these things isn't walking around around with a neon sign. You should know, since you actually share many of their harmful beliefs, but I doubt you'd call yourself a TERF or a radfem. Read Nancy Friday books like My Secret Garden to learn more about taboo sexual fantasies are how normal they are.

Read BL studies articles to actually learn history, read some Nancy Friday books to get over this weird projection of morality and kink in fantasy, and actually listen when people are correcting you because there's decades if not centuries of research refuting all your "points." No one is saying you have to like these stories for yourself, but you do have to realize the world doesn't revolve around you, and other people will always like different things and that's fine. These stories and discussions have always happened and they're fueled by misogyny and homophobia, as well as a desire for censorship. Read some Oscar Wilde essays too or even more recent BL manga/hwa/etc. BL anime doesn't get produced often because animation is expensive. It's 2023. Why are we pretending that Love Stage is representative of current trends in BL across different countries in different mediums, genres, magazines/publishers since Love Stage came out in the early 2000s?

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seasidesquid · 3 months ago

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what r ur characters like... fun quirks/habits im so yurious...

(also love love love ur artstyle+character designs gyaru eight mightve nearly landed me in the hopital from an overdose of peak)

hehe yurious.. AND THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! 🩷🩷 im glad u love kaiolani!

umm i havent posted many of my ocs. And i have a lot.. so ill just hand you the habits and quirks of the ones i posted.. im so sorry for how long this took me btw. i was gonna answer this, and then i got Busy..,, and then after i was done being busy i GOT SO SICK SO NOW IM LIKE OKAY. FIRST OFF I WILL NEVER ANSWER AN ASK THIS LATE EVER AGAIN PLEASE TRUST ME AND I AM AGAIN SO SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS TOOK.

Anyways.... your answer.s.. are finally here. I have a lot of ocs so this will be. a read. to say the very less.

infodump under the cut!

okay. i will begin with my fav ocs.

Jabari Mishra! (my blind boy!)

jabari is rly funny. hes rly eccentric too. his habits are basically touching everything. hes blind.. lol! he likes to feel his surroundings. his quirks are silly too. as for those, he likes to stick his tongue out when hes thinking, or make a really conflicted expression. he also tends to crinkle his nose and make silly faces when expressing himself. hes very emotive! likely to make up for the fact that he doesnt really know what he looks like to others, so hes trying to make it clear as day how hes feeling. he very much is an open book with his emotions. he also likes to mess with his boyfriend (rico) often and other people too. He also has a bad habit of scratching his arms to stim and whatnot. he chews the inside of his cheek often and he also sometimes picks at his skin. ..youd never know this, but hes very insecure about his looks. his eyes constantly being closed is a habit of his too. even though hes blind, hes perfectly capable of opening his eyes, he just prefers to keep them shut, partially due to the fact that he has light sensitive pupils, and partially due to the fact that he thinks it makes him look mysterious. he also tends to be a messy eater. not because he's blind though, he's always been a messy eater even as a kid. rico guesses its because he has poor hand to eye coordination .. or that he just likes it when rico wipes his face for him. who knows. nonetheless, hes not allowed to eat any foods with sauce.

Rico Aguilar! (my fauxhawk boy!)

OH MY RICO.. HOW I LOVE YOU. hes really funny. rico is a hardass until you ask him about his siblings or family. threaten him by saying youll tell jabari hes not doing something for you and he is folding instantly. love him. he has a bad habit of speaking spanglish a lot, and he also has trouble realizing how loud he is. he also is always chewing on lollipop sticks and toothpicks, he has a really bad chewing stim habit. he chews on his tentacles (which is why theyre split at the ends) and his hands, nails, shirts, cheeks, and other things.. hes also always chewing gum. he has a necklace too, but its a discreet chewing stim necklace that he never takes off. he also grits his teeth at night. his other quirks are that hes very deathly allergic to shellfish (despite loving shellfish, lol) and certian tree nuts, namely walnuts and almonds. unlucky. He isnt allergic to peanuts though. He makes great fun of hasa for that (hasa, rico, and tango are all brothers!). he's also got an irrational fear of trampolines and drains. He also hates rollercoasters, and he cant stand falling dreams. He also hates bugs. hes basically that "i hate being a man. 'can you go check that noise, im scared!' MF IM SCARED TOO" image LMFAOOO he looks like a hardass but at the end of the day hes literally just some dude. also certain phrases from the military wake him up instantly and he just sits straight up before he realizes hes not in deployment anymore. then he gets mad at you. this quirk also applies to tango and hasa. rico also has a super short temper, but its less like genuine anger and more like "he fell for the ragebait" anger. hes easy to anger lol

River (Karin) Kensa! (my agent 3!)

River's quirks are silly. first off she didnt really go to school, so she learned all her words from.. boys love mangas and manhwas. she has a stellar vocabulary but she doesnt know a lot of simple words so she'll be describing her day and then suddenly start talking abt her mood in the way some really stupid looking twink from a bl would and its like Wow Okay River. she also knows a bunch of super campy, trashy yaois and if you showed her a panel from a random one she'd be able to tell you exactly which page its from and the name of the yaoi + the name of the character saying it. she's a fan of bl but she would never like a man like that. i love her. shes funny.. shes also allergic to walnuts and carrots. river also is just missing an eye so sometimes she'll use it to scare people if they make her angry. river also is an extremely picky eater. shes also a very clean eater, she never needs a napkin. Kind of like those mukbangers who never make a mess no matter how messy a food they eat.. she only eats tuna, salmon, shrimp, crab, scallops, rice, seaweed, edamame, and cucumbers. marie has tried to make her eat other foods infused with some of her favorite safefoods but shes always able to taste the slight differences no matter what. .. she eats like a bird basically lol. she also has a rocking back and forth stim and a lot of vocal stims. she tics sometimes too. River also has a brain tumor on the side of her chemical burn, so the entire left side of her face is numb, including her tongue. her entire left side of her body also has very delayed reaction time, so say she moves both of her arms. her right arm moves normally, and her left arm moves significantly slower, like, 5 seconds slower. it also sits lower than her right arm. ill draw an example of this one of these days, but her left side is really weak. shes deaf and blind in her left ear and eye! she needs a rollator to get around. she retired from agent duties to become captain after octo expansion. more quirks of hers are that she has difficulty telling tone when talking to people, and she has funny speaking patterns, like she speaks too fast a lot. she also has a very very low pain tolerance!

Kaiolani Mililani! (my agent 8!)

kaiolani is a gyaru! specifically, she's a himekaji gyaru! Kaiolani talks like a brainrotted tiktokker. think camie utsushimi from bnha. that kind of brainrot. shes really.. fascinating. she also has the humor of a 12 year old boy but when shes actually being super serious, she can be very sweet. she has a killer fashion sense, she could style nearly any outfit and it'd look incredible. her dream is to be a model! despite her behaviors, kaiolani is a very very sweet girl. she loves jfashion and she LOVES cute things, specifically animals, music, and clothes. she considers jabari to be her sibling, as they live together and they both consider marina and pearl to be their parents. shes very cheerful! shes also very positive. many people would think she'd be more depressed or down about everything she's gone through, but surprisingly, (and thankfully!) shes very much happy and living her best life! whenever shes going out, she always dresses up jabari in super cute clothes. i never mentioned it prior but she and rico dress up jabari. hehe. kaiolani also tends to make jabari or rico hold everything whenever shes shopping because "ladies shouldnt have to hold heavy things!" (shes joking ofc, jabari and rico r always happy to hold her stuff lol) shes also those kinds of girls who like to say "im just a girl.." to everything. girl dinner girl math literally everything girl lmfao. shes rly funny i Loove Herr! she also really likes ice cream. her favorite flavor of anything is always strawberry. she also likes lemonade a lot, and really loves boba tea. shes also allergic to red40, and has a slight mobility disability. fun fact; shes also very strong. she loves to show off her strength!

Waai "Swivel" Lao! (my skater lady!)

waai is very silly! (IGNORE HOW IM SAYING THIS ABT ALL MY OCS LMFAOOO) shes a street artist and she loves to vandalize things. lol thats lowkey illegal but its okay. she likes to collect trinkets for her boyfriend, but her favorite trinkets to collect are probably tin cans, pins, shiny pebbles, sea glass, soda can tabs, and small glass jars. she also likes to collect ramune bottle marbles and the marble that comes in spraypaint cans! waai is also a selective mute, only really speaking if shes annoyed enough or surprised enough. she has a really strong and loud voice, too, and shes super high energy. she emotes with hand gestures and facial expressions and little vocal stims consisting of various sounds, never words. her hat also is a comfort item and the ears flop if she presses the puffballs at the end of them.. its her stim toy essentially lol. she also likes to pout her lips in protest. she also can do fortnite dances really well lol and shes a pretty good streetdancer. waai is an incredibly talented rollerblader! she was inspired by gum jet set radio.. she also i unfortunately dont have her as developed as the previous ocs.. the same applies to the ones after her T_T

Hassan "Hasa" Anaya! (my neo agent 3!)

Hasa.. my Hasa.. Hasa’s a skater boy! he met waai that way. he likes street art and collecting various things. he has a collection of glass bottles and bottlecaps, and he enjoys collecting ornate glass cups and other things. he just likes to collect stuff! hes kind of like his gf in that way lol. He also likes finding silverware and other things. sometimes he takes home silverware from restaraunts and other things. because of him, none of the silverware in his shared apartment with his brothers are the same design 😭 its ok though. hasa likes to be outside all the time, and do street art with his gf! some of his little quirks consist of him having some pain stims, he tends to scratch at his skin and pick at his scabs a lot. he does have some stim toys that are sharp that he does use! he also does have a chewing stim and stuff .. Oh and he also has a severely sensitive stomach. Like so sensitive that if he eats specific foods, he pukes them up. But on certian days, he can eat the same food that made him sick and feel nothing, so its kind of odd for him. he has to eat a really limited diet, but otherwise hes okay. i dont remember what the condition is called.. but ill remember sometime. Ill definitely add more to this when i develop him more because hes unfortunately my least developed oc of mine ☹�� DONT WORRY. ill give him more stuff..

SORRY AGAIN THIS TOOK SO LONG. I REALLY HAD TO THINK ABOUT THIS ASK FOR A QHILE CUZ I DIDNT THINK OF MY OC’S QUIRKS AND STUFF FOR A PREEEETTY LONG TIME !!😭

i hope u like this.. ahh IM SORRY AGAIN!!

#emmaasks #answered asks

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toontails · 1 year ago

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I'm backreading all these mf tumblr asks and I just finished and oh my GOD???? I have so many things to say ogbsjfbs

Firstly, Pib having a pet bunny that Slicer gave to them???? Slicer and Pib matching?? THEY'RE SO CUTE WAAAAA

ALSO I'M FUCKING SOBBING AA WE ALL LOVE YOU AND THE COMMUNITY WE ALL BUILT TOGETHER I LITERALLY CAN'T IMAGINE WHERE I'D BE IN LIFE WITHOUT Y'ALL LIKE YOU GUYS ARE MY EVERYTHING🫶🫶🫶

And womp womp to Felix imagine having daddy issues and (probably) getting jumped by your own dad L bozo (me n Felix both got daddy issues)

I wanna come up with theories so badly but I don't have any theories to craft and it is pissing me OFF

I'm just sayin that reader has so much potential bro like they're genuinely such a good reader insert/main character because they aren't annoying, they aren't THAT embarrassing to read and they aren't a Mary Sue either; they make mistakes and the way they behave and act makes sense for their age. I think reader and her family are such an interesting group of characters (aside from the dad LMAO) and that the Vendolez characters such as Ruck, Hector and reader are just so cool??? Reader being a fast learner is such a GODSENT character trait btw like if reader wasn't able to figure out how to use a bow as quickly as she did the entire cast would probably be SO FUCKKEDDDDD

Btw I know y'all be hatin Bendy for a multitude of reasons (including what Alice Angel said in chapter 4 I believe) but bro is such a mystery despite is seemingly knowing so much about him??? Like yeah bro is way in over his head n allat but he isn't NEARLY as bad as I think he could be- he would be an absolute BEAST if it weren't for Joey/Henry watering the mf down and making him chill tf out💀 it's so clear how much Bendy genuinely likes and cares for reader, seeing as how he's done thing after thing to ensure her safety (ranging from when he saved her from those crocodiles or whatever in that one chapter after reader frolicked off with Cups and Mugs and got kidnapped to cuddling her on the boat while they slept after reader got her ass beat by Pib) like yeah Bendy has his flaws but I do think bro is still a fairly good guy😭 (at least for the time being he is)

Ykw you right you right 😭 he good. A lil bit, But trust. We blaming Joey now for letting him be a little BITCH. Poor Bendy, if only he knew what he was capable of.

#toon quest

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chimivx · 10 months ago

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//spoilers for chapter 7 (please prep yourself for this)

YOU

NOT THE "good luck"

— YOU CANT KEEP DROPPING UPDATES LIKE THIS OUT OF NO WHERE MY EMOTIONAL STATE IS SO FRAGILE BECAUSE OF YOU, I NEED THIS TO STOP (in all positive ways of course LOL, but please dont actually stop) 😭😭😭😭

WOOYOUNG !!! MY MAN WOOYOUNG STEPPING UP !! I had the fattest feeling in the world that there was no way he'd hurt her for some superficial reason, like getting his dick wet ✋ Bro atp what's even the point of being in a greek life house if all they do is treat both of you like dogshit- and it's THE WAY woo thinks she's more important than a group of lowlives 😔😭 SET MY BOY AND GIRLY FREE !!!!! He just wants her to be happy :(( He just wants to be happy with her 🥹🥹🥹

On the other hand, despite him being my pookie, the Yunho disappointment is so real. Seonghwa disappointment is so real. This Joong disappointment is becoming real. It's like no one has any independent thought and its SO FRUSTRATING (props to you for writing their characters) !! As much as I was rooting for Yunho after his love confession, I cannot say with good heart that this man deserves our girly and good on her for exposing everything because— that is a LOT to keep bottled up for so long. Everyone needs to go back to therapy fr.

Mannnnnnn it just feels like the atz boys (old and new) are in cahoots just trying to find ways to make girly's life miserable one way or another. For WHAT REASON !!!

Me, gripping my hair and rocking back and forth like a maniac

I think I'm just the most mad at Yunho tbh (rant incoming). Even as a reader you can feel how sweetly he used to treat our girly and how much he probably loved her this entire time. Likewise the way our girly was so genuinely in love with Yunho that even Wooyoung couldn't deny it. Idk what's going on in yunho's head for him to feel the need to have attached himself to Mina on top of that. 100% the whole date event thing and girly's relationship with woo played a big part in how things turned out but it's just so fucking childish of him !! THAT'S WHAT THIS IS YUNHO IS JUST ACTING LIKE a child. He can't stand the idea of his favorite toy being in someone else's hands, but he also can't stand the idea of only having one toy to play with. And my girly is NOT A TOY!!!!!! To be real, as much as they connected, I don't think Yunho has the genuine capability to perceive Rory as anything but a possession for him to have and tuck away as he sees fit. What has even been the point of comforting her after the (what we know now as faked) woo and yeji affair??? IM JUST SO MAD FOR SO MANY REASONS BC I WAS ROOTING FOR HIM DESPITE HIM BEING SO WISHY WASHY !!! I was truly holding onto an ounce of hope that he'd clean up his act....!And of COURSE this mf stays silent the entire time everything went down. He cares too much about protecting what's left of his image (his fucking ego) than comforting or protecting the girl he supposedly is in love with.

Meanwhile we have MY MAN WOOYOUNG !! over here willingly throwing everything away for even a chance at fixing things with the girl HE never stopped loving. WE CHEERED !!!!!! 🥂🥳🎉

I hope everyone in these two houses rot fr (many complex emotions that i can't put into words).

I think what also rubs me wrong is what ever the fuck Seonghwa is doing but I don't have enough words to express the way I feel about it??? Like- can there not be ONE man in that house who doesn't fuck her and then fuck her over 😭😭😭😭😭

(Lighter note)

Also PLEASE the way San is obviously so whipped and down bad for Rory despite him being such a slut (i love you fictional san, never change) All it took was a single kiss and that man was rethinking all of his decisions and plans for the entire night. They're so cute when they interact with each other 😭🥹 But I understand that San is prob not a romanceable character route so we will take the light-hearted crumbs we can get ✋😔 I don't think we can handle an additional romanceable route anyways 😭😭😭😭😭😭

When seonghwa had to witness rory's interaction with wooyoung at the cafe, i was sitting here kicking my feet in the air like i'm the happiest girl in the world. We know youre an undercover asshole now hwa... I need more backstory interactions between wooyoung and rory bc 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 every single one we've gotten (e.g. library scene, beer pong) gave me a little spark of joy amongst all the angst we've been subject to 😔 But I'm also a hella sucker for angst so TRULY i win either way 🤪

Idk woo was so clearly and genuinely in love with rory without condition that it sucks for everything to have ended up the way it did.... I'm sure he regrets ever entertaining the idea of letting her go- and now's his time to try to redeem himself with (hopefully) pure intentions.

That is all from me for rn I !!!! Feel bad for the text wall LMFAO but pls know I'm looking forward to whatever happens next 🫶 Happy writing !!!

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. I WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT YOU THOUGHT.

" I had the fattest feeling in the world that there was no way he'd hurt her for some superficial reason, like getting his dick wet ✋ "

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

" Mannnnnnn it just feels like the atz boys (old and new) are in cahoots just trying to find ways to make girly's life miserable one way or another. For WHAT REASON !!! "

If we're talking the piwon boys... they just want the reason above that Wooyoung didn't... LMFAO. They're simply sleazy frat boys.

YOUR MONOLOGUE ABOUT YUNHO. My darling dear. The boy does not know what he wants and its insufferable. I genuinely think hes got the friend/feelings thing going on. He can't figure out the feeling after sleeping with Aurora, so it manifests into this thing, like oh, I love you, I like you, I have feelings for you, when really it's simply just him loving her as a friend, but he still wants to fuck LMFAO. Which is unfortunate and he needs to sort that out.

SAN SAN SAN SAN SAN SAN SAN SAN SAN SAN.

I think I may plan to write little snippets of San and his adventures in ATZ, LOL. I'm obsessed with him and Rory, but they're absolutely 100% platonic... but they'd deff get it on. He's probably my fav ATZ boy at the moment, aside from our hero Wooyoung.

WHO, YOU SAID IT, JUST WANTS TO BE HAPPY WITH HER.

Thank you for always leaving your thoughts, your comments, I appreciate it SO much, it keeps me going!!! I'm sitting here laughing at this in real time, and sharing allllll the feels with you!

THANK YOU!

#nice for what #sweeties

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purpmiqote · 4 days ago

Text

mf keep acting like

being poor

experiencing oppression

being disabled

is a uniquely [insert demographic here]

problem, until it's THEM

then it is MUCH MORE important.

then, the people who were more heavily oppressed, the ones who had been long suffering are almost entirely forgotten

because now it's everyone's problem.

then they continue to listen to popular voices. opps. people who have led the communities astray time and again.

instead of the most radical voices. instead of the most reasonable voices.

instead of the most real voices.

the cycles continue.

what use is becoming a matyr in a world where everyone is convinced one way or another about the goodness or badness of people?

instead of, at least first, trying to make sure everyone is safe, healthy, and free?

we fall back on ostracizing, demonizing, and otherwise taking away the rights and dignities of those who would expose the truth - in all its ugliness and beauty.

aaron bushnell set himself on fire.

luigi mangione shot a ceo.

these systems, insitutions, and people have killed countless beings - human and nonhuman.

extinctions of species we will never know.

for paper. for profit. for personal gain.

yet we still live in a wonderous and mysterious reality we are just beginning to understand.

and there have been people in power for generations playing both sides of these wars.

witholding and distorting information on any number of extremely important things.

people far better with far more resources have dedicated their lives to uncovering the truth.

we still live in a world where there are many people with privileges i can only hope to have... who are not using their powers to their full extent.

but i am to believe we are all equally trying our hardest and doing our best.

i am a man. but i am more than that. as are you, more than a human.

surely, you are a spiritual being having a human existence.

but perhaps you only believe in the material reality.

i have to believe my experiences. my research. i have to keep my mind open for more information.

i have to keep growing as a person.

my heroes are saints, demi-gods, and fictional characters.

jesus. buddha. joan of arc. to name a few.

humans are capable of incredible good and evil. superhuman feats of physical and mental prowess.

but that's not all that matters. after all: what use is power, if it's only used to destroy?

aren't you supposed to help people?

so many we hold on pedestals. when was the last time you thought of a saint, a hero, or some such..

as an actual flesh and blood person?

stem genius. olympic atheletes. creatives of masterpeices.

these characteristics we value for what they can produce in our society. for others.

how much do they mean in a world that doesn't care about Life? or diversity?

at the end of the day, everything has a right to live, regardless of it qualities.

morality is something we attribute to human actions.

and by our own morals - humans fail.

there are ideals, spiritualities, philosophies.

praxis is what matters.

acting with the knowledge in the proper way.

using power to help and to heal.

but it's all become a way to get rich.

to prove that you're better than someone else.

another social commodity.

not for the sake of it

#voidpunk #philosophy #praxis #spirituality #socialism #community #trans #trans man

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bisluthq · 11 days ago

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I had a situation with a guy who was 40 when I was like 22 so now I'm really not into dating outside of your generation. I also don't like the common joke of middle aged men 'preferring' pretty young things. I also don't like how a man can have his career, turn 40-something and then leave his career and have kids with a 20 something and not have many eye brows raised. Woman have a biological clock but men seemingly don't.

I'm more forgiving when it's a older then 25 year old dating an older person. That feels less predatory and it's more likely to be equalish situation. I just think the under 25 age group's brains and emotions are still unstable and have their own generation and frequently make fun of generations old then them. It's just weird behavior way too normalized.

I also think it's weird when a 24 year old who already has kids and married once, decided to date a 18 year old recent cancer patient, and as an observer, that situation was kind of gross, controlling, and she spent most of her youth with him. I just think you should spend your youth figuring yourself out and not in a serious relationship with someone 20 years older then you. Lorde also seems to be in a state she spent her youth with an older man and now has to figure herself out outside of him and has been acting out since being freed or whatever happened. It's always weird to lose someone who's been in your life a while but I'd prefer older men would not waste a young woman's youth. Thank god my situation barely lasted a month or two.

oh I 100% agree and I think I tried to talk more like 25+ and I also do agree to a point that you should spend your youth figuring your shit out but I find that to be quite a sort of prescriptively progressive idea? Your example of the 18/24 thing is indeed weird because of the cancer and the kids but then you also get like 18 year olds who get married right out of high school.

fwiw I know this one couple that has been dating, no breaks, no genuine drama, since they were 14. They only got engaged at 23 and married at like 30 I don’t want to bother to count and they’re both professionals with postgrads and she’s pregnant now at 32/33. But like… that’s still literally their entire life together. Which is very cute and sweet and all but it’s… pretty bad and unlikely advice right like odds of you marrying the person you dated at 14. I’d say maybe as a parent you’d say to a 14 year old it’s not deep at all. These people… finished school, got degrees, moved to London lol, got married, traveled, are having kids. They didn’t even like have an oopsie baby or just get married crazy young as like a crazy thing. They just… never dated, kissed, touched, certainly had sex with (at least openly lol idk maybe they’ve quietly had side quests I wouldn’t know how to ask) anyone else ever.

I feel tho idk like I’d have more faith in a 27 year old marrying and being happy with a 40 year old she meets than 14 year olds who meet ending up together idk.

Re biological clock I mean that’s… biology. Men’s sperm count absolutely goes down etc as they get older but they stay like being capable of kids basically forever and women do hit menopause. This is not bad or good. It just is. That does lend itself to mf age gaps more than they ought to happen maybe and again societal beauty standards lend themselves to that. It also, though, opens men up to elder abuse actually like when they’re legit old. We do see that happen. When you’re 30 and he’s 80 and you’re having a kid like you’re abusing that man tbh. He’s a fucking senior citizen. You fed him viagra and “forgot” to take birth control. At that point the predator is you.

but again I mean I think just be real about stuff. If you’re 22 you shouldn’t be dating tbh even a 30 year old imho. A 30 year old needn’t bat an eye at 38 per se but still a thing I guess. A 38 year old and 46 year old are super well fucking matched in age overall like there’s absolutely nothing odd about that.

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ever-changing-fairy · 10 months ago

Text

Figuring things out.

I took the day to relax and go through the book. I did more relaxing than reading but I go through half of the book. It had me write down my current habits and although I am aware of my many bad habits, I didn't realize how bad my daily routine was. For months I have been trying to figure out why I am gaining so much weight, why my skin just keeps getting worse, why can't I go back to a routine at the gym?

As I go through the book, I realize a few things. When I was obsessed with the gym, I get the motivation to go because I would be seeing someone at the time or I have a photoshoot or trip coming up. But once the relationship is over, the photoshoot has gone by, and I'm back from the trip, all the good habits disappear. I revert back to my "bad" habits of binge eating and being glued to the screen.

The type of woman I want to be is someone who is ridiculously educated, versatile, rich as f*ck, travels, and really just has her sh*t together. Past affirmations, subliminal audios, and motivational speeches, how the hell do I really turn myself around to be that person. I am currently not that person and it feels a lot like I'm not "naturally" the person. Am I just trying to turn myself to someone I am not? Or is someone truly capable of changing their whole life to be that woman?

I'm cuddled up in a heavy blanket that heats me up while my nose and ears are cold from the crisp morning air. My hands are warm though as I have them wrapped around my teacup from a set that cost more than a dinner for two. Book on my lap, I pause at a page to look up and admire the view out of the windows of my MF MANSION. This is the life that I want, this is the type of home I want.

How do I turn into someone that can get that??? What skills do I take on? What habits do I build? What routines do I do?

I'm currently isolating to figure out what I like, what I want, and what I do without outside influences. It is still kind of hard though since I live with family and honestly, they have all the bad habits I'm trying to run away from.

This is my cry for help. Please help a girl out.

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dballzposting · 1 year ago

Text

OK I'm gonna say what I wnated to say in the orignal post but I didn't becasue the post got too long. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it

I've joked before that Gohan in this sort of environment has to go into the woods to have some alone time & to j*rk off sometimes. And that's funny and all. But now I'm gonna be really serious about it

(content is a focus on what sexual repression does to a mf, trauma responses, and at the end a super swaggy Gohan & Videl moment)

[DISCLAIMER: I don't know things. ]

And I don't mean to startle anyone but I'm trying to be factual and realistic here. Living in a time of "peace" but being functionally trapped at home, in the middle of nowhere, during his pubescent years, was not healthy or good or fun. Now I've no doubt that Gohan was traumatized enough to be sufficiently shutdown when it comes to the arduous matters of romance & sex (requiring both a connection with basic instinct and a functioning social engagement system), and he is only HALF human, so you could argue that this simply wasn't a concern.

But Long Story Short ... To Set The Scene of my Thinking Here ...

Humans are profoundly loving animals. In theory a healthy human has access to innate & plentiful libidinal reserves and is able to release them when due, throuhg romance & sex, and it keeps them in good health. Many if not most modern cultures promote a disconnect from one's instincts and deepest feelings, and especially in the subject of sexual things. Sex is made perverse and bad and weird. It's exhausting to have children in most societies nowadays and it is something that both sexes fear and are unprepared for. The prevailing Western philosophy of assuming a mind/body disconnect worsens everything so much. Everybody is carrying trauma to some degree becasue nobody knows how to heal from things, and that disrupts basic survival things like appetite, sleep, bonding capabilities, and sex drive. I know im just saying words to you and offering no sort of evidence or proof. And I know that it sounds upsetting & and I've been upset many times reading my little books. But you can trust me. Long story short I'm good for it

So my point is that when I said that Gohan finds a habit of repression when fulfilling his role in the family, one of the things that he represses is any and all libidinal stock or potential that he has. Simply becasue Where is he meant to find outlet. But those sorts of energies are in him somewhere becasue that's just how we're built

And I get it. I bet sometimes the pretty colors in his textbooks seemed especially alluring. I bet he subconsciously gave numbers personalities and I bet he had peculiar favorites. I bet he tried to pretend that he was being totally normal when he was reading a biology textbook and his eyes immediately jumped to the part of the page that had the word "sex" written in it, and that it was just coincidence and that he didn't feel mysteriously fixated or disturbed at all.

But listen man. It's Not So Simple that he can just go out into the woods alone and jerk off or something. If his Only Problem In Da World was just that he had no one to love, then yeah maybe that would be his next best solution, and he would do that and be mature about it. But that's really just a symptom of a greater complex of problems. His problems are that he doesnt have anyone to love, he doesnt want anyone to love, he doesnt think that he needs anyone to love, he doesnt feel like he has any love to give, he doesnt actually care, he thinks he doesnt care, he's BUSY, he has better things to care about, HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND IT, he doesnt like it, and he's afraid of it. And he thinks it's bad.

Again if he wasn't so fucked up then he would be able to calmly observe the seamless connection running from abstract feelings through to physical engagement and how it's all equally important to the lived experience of the organism, and he would be able to make the entitled choice to go out and observe romance in his life or not. But he's all fucked up & constricted & it makes him crazy & paranoid and so bascially he feels like the part of him that jerks off in the woods is EVIL.

I mean sometimes he's cool with it. Sometimes he really does seem more well-adjusted than other times, and life is good, and he's alright. And then other times the shadow of the past has him in its clutches again and he doesnt feel okay and he feels like nothing is okay and he doesnt like what's going on inside.

Look it's very simple: It's just that the idea of himself that he has in his head, the person he wants to be, the role he wants to play in the household - it would be VERY IMPROPER for that person to harbor any sexual potential, any interest, any desire, any thoughts whatsoever. That simple guys.

He wants to be his mother's son and a great older brother. But at the same time he's becoming a man and it's odd to still live under his mother's rule. But he wouldnt have it any other way obviosuly like he's needed here and is probably too young to go out on his own anyway, right? But maybe it's weird caring for a child that isn't his. But of course that's complete bullshit becasue he loves his baby brother to bits.

The situation is what it is and sometimes it makes a lot of sense and there is a lot of love to go around. Sometimes Gohan understands that one day he may start a family of his own, but he doesn't know when that would be, and it isn't relevant now, and he's not thinking of it. So it's all fine.

But he's not the most stable individual and sometimes he's in the shit. Sometimes life is scary and he tenses up hard against it, and I don't think that he would be able to read these patterns, or to be able to realize that the sense of fear comes from within and not from external stimuli. There are things from the past that he hasn't healed from and ways that his current situation is keeping him down and sometimes that makes him crazy! And he always believes his fear unequivocally as being entirely founded and objective. And his perspective becomes out of proportion.

It's very simple. It's literaslly just the fear of somebody sitting at the dinner table and being Absolutely Completely 100% Terrified. Terrified at what? Well fear needs an object. But it doesnt have to be especially clear. It could be vague. It could just be a feeling. It's just a fear for the abstract notion of Being Bad, or Being Caught, or being Embarrassed, or antyhing like that. And fear always attracts its object too, so if he's afraid of thinking Bad Thoughts, then he just may have them.

I want to be clear: I'm zeroing in on this subject specifically, and while I do believe his libidinal energies were not handled with respect and that this incurred its own type of misery, this is overall Not A Big Takeaway from this part of his life. In hindsight, he mostly remembers studying and avoiding big feelings. It's true that repression leads to perversion when things do bubble up through the cracks, but he didn't have the fortitude for even that. He didn't have distinct fantasies. He didn't ever look at a nudie magazine. He never knew enough to attach an image to his feelings. He just didn't develop on that aspect of himself at all. No developing of tastes, no interacting much with his body, no nothing. It wasn't even all repression - it was just simply a seed not sprouting because you never watered it! There were bigger things to deal with, surely.

But he was also a teenage boy. And you know how it is.

Feelings aren't logical, and in this case he never thought this through because - well, what a horrible thing to address! But here's a breakdown of what was going on in his fearful little head. (And this is something that, I think, a lot of people may relate to in little ways:)

I want to be a good person.

Making people happy makes me a good person.

Therefore, if I make people happy, then I will be a good person.

My mom is happy when I listen to what she says and respect her rules.

She has always looked down on playboy types and warned strongly against "fooling around" with girls; it is a bad thing to do.

If I do what's bad, I am not a good person.

If I go against my mother's wishes, she will be unhappy, and I will be a bad person.

Therefore, I will do what she says, and not date until marriage.

If sex is bad, then engaging with it is bad.

Therefore, in order to not be bad, I will avoid it and not think of it until marriage.

Mindset can affect your heart and soul as much as your head.

If I want to be a good person, then I will have only good thoughts.

I want to be a good person.

I don't want to think of bad things.

Therefore, i will not, and do not want, to think about sex.

Sex is an important part of the natural world.

The natural world is beautiful.

I would never shame the natural world.

Therefore, sex in nature is fine and good.

Therefore, sex is only bad when it's me.

Therefore, it is alright to learn and read about sex as it pertains to science and nature.

Sex is an inappropriate subject.

Sex is not family-friendly.

I want to be a good member of the family.

Therefore, sex can have no place here.

Sex is bad to do, and a bad subject to talk or think about in the house.

Therefore, as long as I am a part of this family, sex is doubly-bad.

If I am a member of this family, and if I harbor sexual thoughts or inclinations, then that is a horrible moral contradiction.

Therefore, I cannot do both.

I want to be a good member of this family.

I cannot be a good member of this family if I have sexual thoughts.

Therefore, I cannot have sexual thoughts.

But that makes it seem like it's a logic puzzle. In the world of feelings, and the world of the trauma-induced habit of "if i face this or think about this or feel this then i will die i will most certainly die and be dead and go to hell for forever," it's just that - he doesn't think that he can be a good son or big brother if he is also a sexual person, and a such he feels T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E and TERRIFIED when he does feel sexual things, no matter how abstract or minor.

To loop back - it's the fear of someone sitting at the dinner table with their joyous younger brother and contented mother (neither of which are mind readers), and trying to be Normal, and having no reason to Not be normal becasue he's Done Nothing Wrong, but he FEELS like he's done something terribly terribly wrong, and fear needs an object, and he hates himself, and he doesnt trust himself to be normal, and he feels like he should be taken out back and shot, becasue IT'S REALLY SCARY TO CARRY LIBIDINAL ENERGIES IN AN ENVIRONMENT THAT IS SEVERELY NON-CONDUCIVE FOR THEM.

It's that simple. He just becomes afraid of his own feelings.

I don't know why this post is so long.

He gets scared and really FRUSTRATED sometimes becasue SOMETIMES it's not an issue. He is MUCH HAPPIER, he thinks, when he is able to put it out of his head entirely - those times when he feels peaceful, and easy, and he is able to sleep at night, and be normal, and be helpful, and be good. Why can't all the times be like that?

But life is necessarily transient + he's not that stable as a person + it's not healthy to just Not Feel Things like that = it comes up eventually. Probably in stupid ways. Triggers he can't parse. He saw a pretty flower and started thinking about bees and pollination and it set him on a spiral. When people are afraid of things that's all it takes. And when there are things that need to come out then that's all it takes.

So then you get those periods of time where he feels like a monster in his own home despite conducting himself with the most careful and mindful footsteps that anyone could muster. And he decides that Yknow What He's gonna have to be Mature about this and Do something about this evil within becasue it's His Responsibility to watch himself.

So he goes out into the woods and writes in his diary and watches the river for hours and hours and sometimes he jerks off in those damn woods and soemtimes he Just Cant Muster the Courage. Sometimes it comes easily and it's not a big deal and nature is beautiful and there's nothing wrong with him and actualy it makes sense ETC ETC and then other times he is a Beast Of Burden and he is out here Befouling these woods.

He doesn't realize it, but he's trying to just brute force himself into being who he wants to be - and duely, he becomes angry/irritated/upset when that falls through. Sometimes he does good, so good in fact that life feels so peaceful and calm, and life is good, and he's happy, maybe even adventurous, maybe even spontaneous, he may even be comfortable enough to open his mind to unconsidered terrain - and that bit of openness invites what's been hiding to come out, which is a bunch of bad stuff and anger and fear and shame and whatnot, including (but not limited to) sex as a possibility. So that's the cycle - every time he comes into a bit of expansion, he doesn't have the space or strength to move on from the lurking pain, so he shuts down again against it.

So he'll be doing good and fine and then one day he jolts awake in the middle of the night with the feeling of He Cannot Be Here in this House with his Brother and Mother right now. Like he needs to get OUT

So he goes out into the woods.

And don't think he doesnt get paranoid. He takes the time to suppress his ki. But then he also starts thinking about how other people have the power to suppress their ki and really he has no idea who could be out here in these woods right now. So then he spends hours just sitting and sensing out ki.

And rather than getting out and having some time alone and chilling out and calming down, he instead is afraid of Not being alone, so half of his mind is back at the house repeatedly scanning and checking and re-checking for his mother's and brother's ki signatures to make sure that they're there and they're staying there and they're not moving and they're not going anywhere and he's alone right now.

This is easier at night when evryone's sleeping becasue they're for sure not moving. But there's one night where little Goten can't sleep so he goes out and catches fireflies in the yard. And he doesnt know where Gohan is but he disappears at night sometimes so he deosnt worry about it. He just goes on catching fireflies.

But Gohan in one of his worst moments had been sitting by some stream trying very hard to calm down, and this unexpected shift in the placement of ki back at the house SCARED HIM SHITLESS.

Imagine you're Goten catching fireflies and then out of the blue your older brother shambles out of the woods looking like he just saw maybe 30 ghosts. And he asks you why you're awake and out and you say Just 'Cause. And he really does look like dogshit and it unnerves you because Gohan can be very warm and attentive. But also you have seen him during his weird periods and you dont know what it is, but it's just the way it is.

Compare this with the teenhood that Goten has. Goten straight-up has girlfriends. Straight-up. Straight-up. He also experiences sexual interests. But he's completely healthy and expressive about it. And he's a lot less of a weirdo for it.

My point in making this entire post was actually so I could say something about Gohan and Videl.

I was just gonna say that it would be cool for Gohan to work throuhg this once he does take on a romantic & sexual partner.

I always thought that Gohan would only work through his inner madness when he witnesses Goten moving through the ages: it reminds Gohan of the psychological backdrop that he had at that age, and he only faces it then. Otherwise, it just may never come up in a way that matters.

For example, Goten having a safe home at age 4 made Gohan very proud and grateful and relived, but also gave rise to a twitching-rage-oscillating-with-a-wild-paranoia, and he had to realize that he never mourned his lack of a safe childhood (jury is still out on if he processes the overwhelming fear or not).

So when Goten gets into his teen years and starts meeting girls & dating girls ... oi, it gets a little weird.

Chichi obviously doesn't want him to be dating before marriage, or to be fooling around with those city girls he meets at school. And she wants Gohan to talk some sense into him. But Gohan has always kept close to his principle of doing right by Goten and leading him down a good path. And part of him knows that Goten is happy being able to have friends and meet girls. And another part of him really just Doesnt Want To Think About It or be involved in this conversation at all. And another huge part of him is like .... totally up in arms about it.

When people have unresolved distress regarding past treatment or experiences, they tend to push that treatment unto or recreate that pain for others in a cycle of reenactment.

So it's like. He kind of wants to lock goten in his room and make him study. And he kind of wants him to feel debilitating shame. And he kind of wants him to hate himself and punish himself. And he kind of wants him to pay for helping to create the situation that forced Gohan to do all that to himself.

^ ENTIRELY ILLOGICAL and NOT AT ALL how Gohan actually feels or believes in. NOT EVEN CLOSE. We've been throuhg this. He loves his family and knows better. Yadda yadda

BUT I'M TELLING YOU that there shouldn't be moral implications attached to feelings, they're just how your body communicates with you and how you interact with the world. He feels that way becasue as a teenager, his freedom as an animal was infringed upon, and that kicked up some self-defending anger and resentment; THE LEAST OF HIS REPRESSED ANGER, no doubt, but it is living in him nonetheless. He should not act on those feelings, but he should feel them to move throuhg them. But that's near impossible if he feels like he's a bad awful person who should go to hell if he feels them.

He feels that way because he mistreated himself and held himself to bad faith, and that hurt, and that's unresolved, so some part of him wants to repeat it in an attempt to resolve it. I mean that's just reenactment for you.

He doesnt act on this resentment and he probably just gives Goten some safety advice and to abstain until marriage and to be kind to everyone and to be careful with his heart and the hearts of others. And that's it.

Gohan doesnt want Goten to have the teenhood that he did, becasue it sort of sucked, and he has the fortitude to be focused about his priorities.

But the whole thing definitely stirred up some nebulous bullshit from inside. Some real mysterious and nefarious bullshit that makes no sense & feels like nothing & that encourages him to drown himself in his work for a few days. And Videl notices that he;'s being straight-up funny about this and she confronts him about it. And the conversations just roll from there. It'd be cool if Gohan could come to face and work through some of his madness.

Falling in love with Videl unlocked some repressed energies of his, and that was cool, but it wasn't not everything, becasue why would it be. He hasn't been able to reconcile with the pain of shame emanating from his teen years, and his more primal layers haven't yet forgiven him for treating himself so poorly regarding.

It would be cool if he could, at this point in his marriage, have the stability to deal with what was locked up in his past and that still haunts him. If he could, yknow, come to want and enjoy sex with his epic wife. In a way more swaggy than what they had before.

Becasue what they had before was definitely, for the necessity of the both of them, Careful and Gentle and Mindful and appropriate and TBH i wouldn't call it vanilla becasue it can be a terrifying thing to blatantly walk into the primal and cosmic reality of male & female contrast and unity, and they're brave for that. But from an outside perspective Yeah it was well-organized missionary what do you want me to say.

LITERALLY MY POINT is just that it would be cool if Gohan could open up a little bit more to that. Laugh and joke a bit more about that sort of stuff. Lean into the good things. Discover and nurture a sexual fire for his wife, and to not be afraid of it.

And if he got more comfortable with this sort of stuff, then he would be interested in asking her questions that he was never okay with asking before. As in, connecting with her about things that he wasn't connected with himself about before.

Such as: "I know that you weren't allowed to date before me. But did you ever WANT to date? Did you have any crushes?"

and she would tell him that yeah she had a little crush on a boy once in middle school. And maybe once or twice in high school. And she never kissed anyone before but the first time she really wanted to was at a birthday-party-sleepover where she came close to kissing the hostess/birthday girl.

And he says "What." and she says that there was this girl in middle school whom she hated. Because she was a superficial and mean little cunt. But she invited Videl to her birthday party one year (probably because Videl had money). and Videl didnt get much female comraderie both due to her line of hobby (martial artist) and intimidating demeanor (she was a little rough around the edges, because her inborne aggression was consistently encouraged by her hobby, and becasue she was socially weird for having lost her mother and for people treating her special due to her family name). So she was looking forward to this slumberparty.

And she sets up this story like it's not a big deal, but she includes details like how she had helped the girl's mother clean the kitchen, and how that tired mother gave her the most thankful smile, and Videl was used to being treated like an adult, but being that appreciated by this exhausted mother made her realize that her cunt classmate maybe wasnt so unforgivable.

And then even thouhg Videl and this girl has never gotten along, while the sleepover was in effect, it was like none of that mattered. they werent smiling or laughing together, but they were more than diplomatic. And at some point the girl's extensive lip gloss and eye shadow collection had gotten dredged up and put on display in the bathroom; and the other girls were moving in and out to fuss with them; and then they moved on to the Super Smash Bros tournament; but some struck up convos in the kitchen; and Videl herself was the last to cycle into the bathroom becasue she didn't quite see the appeal in outdated lipgloss colors; but at this age she was torn between wanting to be different and wanting to be the same; and she has the capacity to enjoy pretty colorful sparkly things like other girls; so Videl drifts into the bathroom and half-closes the door out of habit before she realizes that the cunt birthday girl was in there putting on lipgloss; and without fanfare or much emotion at all, she tells Videl to come over so that she can "put some pretty" on that face of hers.

And Videl really does hate this girl but she really loves the female comraderie hanging thick in the air tonight, she loves the gentle touch of the girls braiding each others' hair which contrasted sharply with the touch of an opponent in battle. She hates this girl for her snotty attitude and her petty lies and her superficiality; and for her kindly and overworked mother; but Videl can't pretend that she didn't notice the lack of a man's coat in the coat closet, or the way that her mother had said that the party ended at 9 AM sharp becasue she had to leave for work then; and Videl on some level wants to teach this girl a lesson for always treating her in bad faith, but her innate pull for justice is dutifully processing newfound sympathy in current time; and she lets this girl put eyeshadow on her face that is SO not her color and Videl KNOWS that she had chosen that to be shitty; but she also is coming to see that this girl's cuntiness is a wall that means absolutely nothing to her; and she is starting to see through it; and the way that this girl has invited her to her birthday party despite their historical shared animosity, and the way that she is allowing them to be alone together in this bathroom, is all proof that this poor girl doesn't really stand up for what she says or does; and Videl feels pity; and she smells blood in the water; and she feels read for filth; and she feels defensive and offensive; and she feels like the harbinger of truth; and she is 14 years old and is seriously about to kiss this girl on the mouth in the most cynical and heartfelt way.

But she doesn't, becasue she didnt want to risk getting kicked out early or embarrassing herself.

And she tells this story and Gohan says Ummmmmmmmmmmm. He says "...Ok......So.... 14 is a weird age huh.....?" ready to pass it off. And Videl says something like "Yeah I didn't know what I wanted then. Well I knew that I wanted to close that door and break into her wretched soul, and I knew that one kiss would undo her, but that it would also damn me, like a hook in my lip, and I guess I gave us mercy then. But seriously. I didn't even know if I wanted True Blue or Orange Sparkle lipgloss. I was just as confused as she was."

And Gohan is like Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

".....But that was .. just then, right? At that ... all-girls sleepover? N...Never again?"

"Oh yeah. I grew out of my teenage angst a little and started being a better person - and really meaning it too. After that I only wanted to kiss girls whom I thought could handle it."

"........................................You wanted to kiss more girls?"

"Oh, it's no big deal, like I said, I never dated. And I never had any major crushes, really."

"...........Okay. So you ... grew out of that? .... You stopped ... looking at girls?"

"Oh, looking is a whole different story. I got too adroit at fraternizing with girls, as a girl, but - before I opened my mouth, there were some girls who would flourish under a secret, but scrutinizing, gaze."

and Gohn is like Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. What.

And then she says: "Look, Gohan, it's like this. Remember when we met, I wore a lot of baggy clothes? It's what I was comfortable in. And I liked how I looked. But that's not what I thought was beautiful. I thought other girls were beautiful, but that's not what I was comfortable wearing. And to my credit - things change, I've changed, and I started wearing more form-fitting and girly clothes. I've switched pale pink for bright red. I think it's beautiful. But there are still things that I think are beautiful but wouldn't wear. So that's why I appreciate other girls."

And this really has made everything worse for Gohan. Like this hasn't helped at all. At first it was just the one girl in middle school. Now it's seeming like she liked more girls and many girls and in fact Never Stopped Looking At Girls.

And he keeps trying to get her to say what he wants her to say, but she keeps throwing his attempts.

He's like "......Okay, back to those crushes that you said you had in high school. You said there were some boys. Tell me about that. I only ever met Sharpener and Erasa, none of your other friends."

"Oh, those two.... yeah, no, I never liked Sharpener, if that's what you're worried about. Those two just weren't my type."

"....Those two?!"

Like this is spiraling fast.

She keeps saying that it's not a big deal but then says something about a woman in the most poetically bloody yuri way. She's like "It wasn't a big deal Gohan it was just a moonlight dream that I shared with a smooth-legged girl as we touched hands and she told me that she had to go catch her train and I told her that my heart had never strayed form my hometown but it just might tonight as long as she catches that train. And we saw the peaceful death of the universe in each other's eyes but it's not like I ever thought about her again even though I can remember in perfect detail the way her hair befell her shoulders as she caved in to sadness. Calm down it was a long time ago."

And Gohan is like. WHAT ?

Gohan has never had any thoughts on homosexuality before but now he's having to think about it. And what he's thinking is that he has cursed his wife to a life of never kissing a woman because he married her and she is obligated to only him now. And he had no idea that she felt this way and she's acting like it's not a big deal. And she doesnt think that this is gay at all btw. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is. But she doesnt think it is.

And now he can't fucking sleep and he doesnt know what to do and he was getting comfortable with opening up to sexual feelings in a deeper way with her but now Homosexuality has been thrown into the mix and he truly doesnt know what to make of it. And at some point he prods her awake and she's like "what" and he says "What should I do? Should I put on a shiny red sequin dress? Would-would that make you happy?"

And Videl wakes up more fully and is like. "What? I never said anything about a shiny red sequin dress? Where did you get that from?"

And he says "It just seems like something that you'd find beautiful. I don't know. Is that what you want? Should it be a blood red or a fiery red?"

They don't acquire such a dress btw but the next day he does dress in an apricot shirt + wine red pants + magenta tie combo becasue he is being mindful of her tastes. And she muses "I don't think that you've ever worn that tie and shirt together" and he says that he hasn't because the shirt is more orange and the tie is more cold and he doesnt think that they match well.

Okay that's my post. Now is a good time to say that I have a lot of other things that I should be doing but I've wasted my day on this because I thought that if I got it out of my head then I'd be more productive. But it's been literal hours. Like literally all day. I don't even get it. Hit like if you get it

It's just that well simply put Gohan didnt have any time to himself ever. There was always bullshit happening. Then Goku died and Goten was born and Gohan had to keep his mother from falling apart and his baby brother healthy and happy. And it's rewarding work. But yknow

When he wasn't tending to the baby or helping with other domestic chores, he was in his room studying. It's nice to learn about the world he fought so hard to save. It's also nice to not have to have a relationship with his body (as with fighting) so that it's easier to dissociate from all the bullshit. Academia was a lifeline out. It was also a definitive "good" thing to be doing. It was also an escape. And also a source of the stress that he's so accustomed to. And yknow. Maybe the letters started to dance on the page after a while. A life unlived will find life in other places. Maybe the historical figures were his friends. Maybe he memorized chemicals like one would memorize constellations. Maybe different mathematical functions began to represent and facilitate different experiences of emotion. You know how it is

I mean maybe not. Maybe he got out enough and was present enough to not dip into that. If his time alone was really that needed, then I imagine that he would get angry if interrupted; but I don't imagine that he snapped often when his mother called him to attention or when his brother needed something from him. I think that he finds fulfillment and peace in his family and he wants to be there with them. But I think that he also finds habits of repression or self-denial.

I'm not saying that he represses all of his anger, because he doesn't. What he does repress is infinite amounts of survival rage. What he doesn't repress - and what seems like he's not even aware of when he expresses it - is sharp annoyance. A mild example would be when he snapped at Goten for bothering him during his training, which was super funny. A more poignant example is Every Time Somebody Insults his Great Saiyaman Persona somehow. First he was interjecting into his classmates' (strangers!) conversation to correct their misnaming of the new hero, and he didn't seem to notice how rude his tone was or how surprised his classmates were. Then later he stopped two reckless drivers, and they made fun of his goofy persona, and Gohan (without resistance) just threw a petulant fit - and he did not seem to notice how he was Destroying The Road by stamping his foot.

My favorite example was when Krillin told him he looked dumb. I should probably get screenshots. Gohan's Eyebrows Twitched and Reared like Rattlesnakes. And his passive aggression was enough to constituent manslaughter. Masked behind saccharine positivity. It was a vile display. What do YOU know about Fashion, Quiverin..! (<- What we sometimes call Krillin in my house becasue he's always cringing and quivering and being fearful lol.)

OK I didn't get screenshots but I have this timestamped video from the youtube.

youtube

And it makes sense that Gohan is super defensive about The Great Saiyaman. It's the first thing that he's gotten to do/be that was up to him.

I understand that Bulma designed the original get-up, but it was still collaborative; it's not like when Chichi dresses him in what she can afford to buy or make, or when Piccolo dresses him in what he himself likes to wear. And Gohan picked the name. He picked the poses. He picked the voice. He picked the personality. He picked the role.

You know that Oscar Wilde quote that goes something like "give a man a mask and he will tell you the truth"? Yeah. There's madness behind that mask.

It's also a very significant time for him because he's for the first time having the opportunity to associate with peers in a consistent way. And he wants so bad to be "normal" and that's also why the mask is so integral and alluring. And he wants to be a normal bloke and make normal friends, but at the same time, he's out of practice without really realizing it; he hasn't come to terms with how in order to make friends, you have to put yourself out there. He thinks that he can simply make friends while hiding himself and lying about everything. And when Videl starts trying to figure out who he is and pry the mask off, it's a horrifying inconvenience. And Gohan just isn't in the habit of receiving well others' companionship, having lived isolated for so long; when Videl makes him teach her how to fly, he's nice to her, but you can tell that he just wants her to leave.

Her insistence on drilling into him is why they become friends and eventually marry, though.

He seems like an optimistic fellow, and his appreciate for life must be sincere, as his history necessitates it - if life sucked, all of that would have been for nought. But remember, for a good seven years it was just him, his mother, and the new baby. No drama or adventure to bring him out into the world. No friends his age that he could connect and evolve with. Just him up there on Mt Paozu stagnating.

There was definitely a lot of goodness and happiness and stargazing and lovely dinners and hanging out with dinosaurs. But there was also a lot of boredom and avoidance and why-is-the-baby-crying and mom-please-put-the-wooden-spoon-down and mom-please-stop-crying and can-i-have-the-time-to-study-unbothered-please and an undercurrent of feeling bogged down that really isn't apparent until you get out and get moving.

Gohan never says this outloud or thinks this definitively, but it's a natural truth, like the wood that a house is made of - he is going to do everything he can to be a good brother and to protect his baby brother. And it's a given, too, that he'll do everything it takes to keep his mother sane and happy, because everybody else shies away from her, and it's SORT OF Gohan's fault that Goku had died, and he very much wants to give back for all of the nurturing that his mother has given him.

And when you want to be a force of Good that badly, it completely turns you away from the parts of you that may be Bad, and encourages you to be afraid of certain feelings or needs.

When Gohan snaps at people out of irritability or defensiveness, it really seems like he doesn't know that he's doing it, and it comes out in the way that a hurt child may just act out. Everything else that is ugly about him just gets buried deep. And that makes him a weirdo. That's what it seems like anyway

#WHATEVER.#dballz posting #gohan & videl

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