#though also i think that says a lot about the pacing of the series if i can do that so idk

[jhzhuxx]

maybe it doesn't account for much considering i'm a very casual viewer - in fact, even calling myself a viewer is generous - but the finale of hidden agenda really felt so mismatched with the rest of the series in a lot of different aspects. also appreciate what it did in highlighting tense family dynamics but it left a lot to be desired

[basketonthedoorstepofthefbi]

Shaking (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: You have an anxiety attack in a public setting, but luckily, the doctor is there to help you through it.

Word Count: 2450

Warnings: Anxiety attack, mild cursing, mostly just ANGST and then comforting FLUFF

A/N: Wanted to write Spence comforting the reader during a panic attack. Fanfiction is better than therapy, right? At least, it’s cheaper! Also not my GIF

——

“You don’t want to just order it online?” Spencer asked as you walked beside him down the sidewalk. His longer legs would typically mean that he’d be several steps ahead of you, but he always slowed his pace so you wouldn’t have to strain to keep up with him. He also walked on the outside of the path because, let’s face it, he was a gentleman.

You shook your head. “No, I want the whole experience,” you said excitedly as you walked, your face lighting up in anticipation. You were on your way towards a local bookstore, where the third book in your favorite series was being released today. The bookstore was going to be packed, but you were so excited to be one of the first ones in the door, to get your hands on a physical copy. “I don’t ever do things like this, but it’ll be something I think about every time I look at the book sitting on my shelf.”

Spencer nodded, lifting his hand, his thumb and forefinger in an O-shape as he spoke. “Ah, the age-old concept of symbolic treasures. One of the main reasons why souvenirs are such a prevalent part of going on vacation. Did you know the tradition dates back to Ancient Egypt?”

You shook your head as you continued to walk with him. Your boyfriend carried on without fault. “As far back as 2200 B.C, Egyptian Prince Harkhuf traveled to what is now known as Sudan and returned with all sorts of objects to present to his father, the pharaoh,” Spencer explained. His words spat out quickly, compulsively, as though they had to exit his encyclopedic brain. “He brought back items such as incense, ivory, even the skins of leopards to show off to his father.”

“I had no idea,” you told Spencer as you neared the bookstore, smiling sideways at him. You loved it when he spouted off facts like that, like he had to get the information out or else he’d explode. He had confessed to you more than once before that most people found it weird or off-putting or even annoying, but not you. Rather, you loved learning new things. Whatever information he had to share with you was always relevant in one way or another, and it was just one of the reasons why you loved spending time with him - he made you a more knowledgeable, well-rounded person.

Before either of you could say much else, you’d reached the back of the line of the bookstore. You checked the time on your phone. The store would open in about fifteen minutes. The line stretched down at least a full block, from what you could see. Lots of people dressed like characters from the books, shuffling their feet in excited anticipation.

There were at least a hundred people in the line, and after a minute or two, a couple dozen more had filed in behind where you stood. You pursed your lips for a moment, scanning the crowd until your eyes met Spencer’s.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, inclining his head to the side.

You shook your head. “Nothing,” you said. “Just… lot of people.”

Spencer nodded understandingly, then reached down to take your hand. Your fingers twined with his and he squeezed his palm against yours. “I’m right here,” he reminded you. You didn’t love crowds. They always made you feel anxious, perhaps even a little claustrophobic. You and Spencer had gone to a fairly crowded French film festival a few months ago and there hadn’t been an organized line to enter; rather, it had been a cluster of people, all pressed together. And you had felt like you couldn’t breathe. Spencer’d had to pull you to a seat off to the side so you could catch your breath, and you’d missed getting a seat up front like you’d been hoping for.

Right now, you were okay, though. There were people in front of you and behind you, but they weren’t flush against you like they had been waiting for the film festival to open. And Spencer was holding your hand, and you were outside, with the cool, spring morning breeze hitting your face. It was fine. You were going to be fine. You inhaled deeply and exhaled, then nodded your head, feeling the anxiety dissipate. “I’m good,” you told Spencer, looking up at him.

Spencer nodded. He squeezed your hand once again before letting go, only so he could wrap his arm around your shoulders and tug you so you leaned against his chest. He kissed the top of your hair. “It’s going to be just fine,” he promised you, and you just smiled to yourself.

About ten minutes later, the store opened. You only knew that because the line started moving, and more quickly than you thought. You squealed in delight and matched the pace of the people in front of you, Spencer by your side with an amused grin on his face. He loved books just as much as you did, if not more, but this outing was definitely just for you. He’d read the other preceding books in this series (literally just because you asked him to and it took him an hour, tops), but he wasn’t a total geek for it like you were.

You finally made it inside the bookstore, a small business, a local place. You’d been inside several times before, but you hadn’t realized just how small the building actually was until you stepped in now. It was two stories, but everyone was tightly packed, with the people and the bookshelves crowding around you as you made it fully inside the store. There was even a line to go up to the second floor, like a queue at an amusement park.

There was little to no breathing room. Everyone was talking as they waited their turn to grab a copy of the new book, and the sound seemed to bounce off the walls and the ceiling and smack you right in the ear. The air felt thick despite the front door and handful of windows being opened, allowing the cool spring breeze to ruffle the pages of the paperbacks on display.

But it wasn’t refreshing. Rather, it was another stimulant that caused the neurons in your brain to fire even faster. You felt your palms get slick. You felt your heart start to pound, and your knees wobble as you shuffled forward in the line. What were you even waiting in line for? You momentarily forgot, blinking a few times before looking up at the man beside you. Spencer was engrossed in looking around the bookstore, the corners of his mouth quirking upward as he seemed to find something amusing. But when his eyes came full circle back to you, they were immediately filled with concern. “Y/N?” He asked softly, placing a hand on your shoulder.

You couldn’t even hear him. The sound of his voice just bounced off your brain, like you were trapped inside of cellophane. All you could think was trapped. I’m trapped. No way out. Stuck. Caged. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe.

You felt your breathing go heavy, and your eyes fill up with tears. Your cheeks were red, bright red, judging from how hot you suddenly felt. “Leave,” you managed to choke out, your voice coming out from your throat. It felt like your throat was lined with thorns, like the words you wanted to say kept getting caught.

Spencer nodded. “Leave? Yeah. Yeah, baby, we can leave,” Spencer grabbed your hand, tugging you along behind him as he murmured “excuse me, pardon me,” to the other patrons, to get through the crowd. Moving against the crowd was so much worse than standing still. All those eyes on you, seeing your red face and the anxious tears trickling down your cheeks. It was so embarrassing, freaking out like this is such a public space. Everyone thinks I’m a freak, you thought. Your anxiety became not about the crowd, but about your anxiety, about how you were being perceived. Your breathing picked up, quickened, and by the time Spencer led you out into the morning sun, you were fully hyperventilating.

The thoughts in your head were racing at the speed of light. You hated feeling nervous like this, but moreover, you hated that Spencer had to take care of you because of it. You felt like you had ruined the day because your head wasn’t on straight, because you couldn’t stand in a crowd of people and hear the cacophony of voices and tamp down your panic.

Spencer led you down the block, about twenty feet from the store, away from the crowd, and your breath was still coming out staccato, unstable as you looked down at your shaking hands. You were crying and hyperventilating and the whole world felt like it was spinning. Spencer kept his hold on your hand and stood in front of you, squeezing his palm against yours. His eyes, those light brown irises with little flecks of green, stared into yours. “Hey, Y/N,” he said, bending his knees so his face was level with yours. “Breathe with me, okay?”

You shook your head, your eyes clamping shut. You were so mad at yourself in that moment. You didn’t want to have Spencer take care of you, to have to drag you out of a bookstore because you were having a panic attack. “Baby, you’re trembling,” you heard Spencer’s voice laced with concern. “Look at me. We’ll get through this together.”

You opened your eyes slowly, and that’s when you realized your entire body was shaking. You looked into Spencer’s eyes and he released your hand so he could cup your face. His fingers anchored under your jaw, his thumbs rested on your cheeks, and his eyes were wide, full of worry, but his voice managed to stay soothing and calm. “Follow my breath, Y/N. Do what I’m doing, okay? In for four, hold for four, out for four.”

He inhaled for 4 seconds, and you tried to follow his lead, but you just couldn’t control your lungs. “It’s okay,” he assured you as your brows furrowed, presenting frustration. “C’mon, try again.” He inhaled for 4 seconds, and you managed to match him this time. “Hold for four,” you held your breath while Spencer counted. “And out for four,” you exhaled deeply. “Good, okay, let’s do it again.”

Spencer guided your breath for a few minutes, until you finally felt like you could do it on your own. And when you finally felt yourself coming down from the rush of panic that had sent you into fight-or-flight, you wiped at your wet eyes. “I’m sorry,” you croaked, and Spencer just shook his head.

“No,” he insisted, taking your hand and placing it on his heart. You could feel it beating through his long-sleeved t-shirt. “No, you don’t have to be sorry.” You rubbed your hand against his chest, finding it comforting as you hung your head. “Baby, look at me,” he requested, and you met his eyes.

“Please don’t ever apologize for having an anxiety attack, okay? For one thing, it’s not your fault. You can’t control the chemicals and waves in your brain and how your body reacts to situations,” Spencer began, his hand on top of yours that rested on his chest. You nodded, using the heel of your free hand to wipe away your tears. The crying was over, you were fairly certain, but god, did this suck. “You also should never feel ashamed for having a panic attack, Y/N. It happened, and we’re working through it. It’s a lot like boiling a pot of water, isn’t it?”

You let out a garbled sounding laugh and your brows furrowed. “How so?” You stammered out.

“Well, you set the pot of water on the stove, right?” Spencer began, and you nodded. “And then when it starts to bubble, that’s your anxiety. Some sort of external stimulant - the stove, or, in your case, the overwhelming feeling of being in a crowd - is causing the water to bubble. And when the external stimulant increases in intensity, so too does your anxiety. And sometimes, yeah, the pot boils over.” Spencer shrugged like it was no big deal. “But then you just turn the stove off, grab a dishtowel, and clean up the mess. Problem solved.”

You cracked a half-hearted smile. “So in this metaphor, you’re a dishtowel?” You asked, curling your fingers around the fabric of his shirt.

“Technically, I think it’s a simile, but yes,” Spencer grinned as he looked in your eyes.

“But the book,” you sighed, looking back at the bookstore, which was still filtering people in and out slowly. The patrons leaving the store clutched their new copies of the book in their hands, grinning and taking pictures with their phones, laughing with their friends excitedly.

“Do you want to get back in line and try again?” Spencer asked, and you bit your cheek pensively.

“I don’t think so,” you said softly, defeatedly.

“That’s okay,” Spencer said. You loved that he wasn’t coddling you, he was just feeling it out, seeing what you were up for. “Do you want to get brunch somewhere and come back? Maybe the line will have died down by then?”

You nodded, your lips curling into a small smile. “Yeah,” you agreed. You realized your hand was still over his heart, rubbing at his chest. Your movement halted and you retracted your hand, but before your arm could fall completely at your side, Spencer scooped your hand up and kissed the back of your palm. “What if we come back and they’ve sold out of the book, though?” You asked as Spencer walked with you in the direction of one of your favorite brunch places, just a short walk from the bookstore.

“There are twenty-two independent bookstores in the D.C. metropolitan area alone,” Spencer rattled off. “If this one doesn’t have it, we’ll drive around until we find one that does.”

“What article did you read that told you how many bookstores were in D.C?” You asked. You often liked to challenge him by asking him to cite his sources.

“No article. I did a search on Google Maps last night,” Spencer explained.

“What, because you knew I’d freak out when we walked into this one?” You asked him.

Spencer shook his head. “No, just wanted to have a contingency plan in case our first stop sold out before we got there.”

“Always thinking ahead, huh, Boy Wonder?”

“Damn straight.” A smirk formed across Spencer’s lips.

You shook your head. “You’re the best dishtowel a girl could ask for.”

[fairyhaos]

How To Fucking Write: a guide by fairyhaos

[masterlist]

this post details:

DIALOGUING INTERESTINGLY

hi gays and gals! the first post on starting and pacing a story did really well, so "how to fucking write" is back, with yet more advice and tips for everyone ^^ please feel free to let me know if there's something you want me talk about, because i'll be more than willing to see if i can help. also a reminder that i have a taglist for this series as well, and please reblog if you find this helpful :)

# - HOW TO DIALOGUE.

.. bullet point one : grammar

okay guys, as a native english speaker, i'll be the first to tell you that this language fucking sucks in terms of its grammar, but when it comes to dialogue, understanding how it works even to some extent will help you branch out and vary the way you write dialogue, which makes it so much more interesting.

with dialogue tags (said, asked, etc) if the punctuation mark in the dialogue is not a ! or ? then it should be a comma.

example : [junhui + castle]

as you can see in the first line, a comma is used rather than a full stop, because the sentence hasn't been finished yet. there's a dialogue tag, ('you correct'), that comes after it. and since the pronoun 'you' isn't a proper noun (i.e. a name) then it shouldn't be capitalised, because, again, the sentence hasn't been finished.

with action tags however, (he smiled, he stood up, etc) then it should be a full stop.

example : [i just made one up bc i don't use this a lot lmao]

"I disagree." He stood up, and walked over to close the door. "This isn't safe. You shouldn't go alone."

and now, since there is a full stop, it indicates that the speech is a sentence all by itself. that means the next word ('He') ought to be capitalised.

but the key part when grammar-ing dialogue in order to make it interesting depends on where you put the action and grammar tags.

if you constantly have lines that are just:

"dialogue," he said.

"dialogue," she said.

"dialogue but a bit longer," he said.

... then it can get repetitive, and annoying. by varying your dialogue structure, it can create more interesting dialogue.

example : [minghao + password]

there's a variety of dialogue and action tags being used with each line of dialogue, preventing everything from sounding too repetitive.

the first line starts with a normal sentence, and an action tag. the second is a standalone line of dialogue with no tags. the second has the action tag in the middle of the dialogue. and the last has a dialogue tag in the middle of the dialogue.

by varying the ways in which you write your dialogue, it makes everything a lot more interesting.

.. bullet point two : verbs and adverbs

the easiest way to make dialogue interesting, though, is to use fancy words.

this can be by replacing 'said' with a range of other dialogue tags (see this really comprehensive list for a whole variety of different words), but i'd advise against overusing these. 'said' is your friend! it's the invisible dialogue tag, helps your reader read through your dialogue in comfort, but of course, if you wanna add a nuanced way of describing the dialogue, then replacing 'said' is the easiest way to make your dialogue interesting.

but don't overuse these. for me, i'd focus on action tags and adverbs.

use interesting adverbs that add description to how a character is saying something can go miles. and using action tags that break through what could have been a long section of characters just talking? it helps so much.

i'd recommend having onelook thesaurus open as you write. you don't have to type in just words: phrases, the overall vibes of the word you're thinking of, all of that can be typed into the thesaurus and they'll provide you with pretty good results each time.

it also really helps when you've forgotten a word and can only remember vague bits of what the word should feel like.

.. bullet point three : voices

the best way, however, is ultimately to create a character. write a personality for them, bring them to life, think about the way in which they would talk and then put that down onto paper.

it's difficult, perhaps the most difficult to do, because it's also so tricky to advise someone on how to do this. it's all about the character you want to create, the personality you envision for them, and the only person who can fully write that is you.

however, i would find a few 'ticks' of theirs and use them as indicators in your writing.

for example, in my seoksoo long fic, seokmin's tick is that he always "chirps" what he's saying. and beams. a lot. this identifies his character, makes him unique(ish), and establishes his personality and differs him to the other characters.

but ultimately, it comes down to word choices, when you're writing a character voice.

like, your character describing something with elegant, floral language vs them going "this is so pretty". or perhaps making them stumble over their words when they're panicked vs them simply just going silent when they're flustered.

it's about being specific. about making choices with your words that would have english teachers analyse and unpick your writing, hundreds of years later.

(even if it's fanfic. especially if it's fanfic: because who knows how many fans may join your fandom in the next few years?)

... and that's it ! if anyone has anything else they want advice on (how to structure, how to write dialogue, how to plan etc) then just shoot me an ask, because i'd love to help however i can :)

tagging (comment/send ask to be added!): @selenicives @stqrrgirle @weird-bookworm @eternalgyu @blue-jisungs (tough luck guys btw but youre gonna be tagged in this entire series ehehehe)

[fxrmuladaydreams]

a tip and a dinner invitation (sv5)

pornstar!sebastian x camgirl/pornstar!reader

summary: you’re just breaking into the industry when you get a message from a famous pornstar, asking you to meet him

notes: !!contains smut MINORS DNI!! here is the pornstar!seb au! i love this so much and will continue to write more because this is only the beginning for them 😉 also pls let me know if you want more pornstar!drivers. i think this series is going to be the filthiest thing i’ve ever written

warnings: smut, masturbating, sex toys (dildo)

next part

Sebastian felt himself twitch as he watched your video. His hand was wrapped around his cock, lazily moving up and down, matching your pace on his screen.

You looked gorgeous, kneeling on the ground with your legs slightly spread, and a dildo between them. You slowly raised and lowered yourself on the toy, your head thrown back as you moaned. You let out a long whine as you sat fully on the dildo, rolling your hips in an attempt to get it even deeper inside you.

He could see the comments that had started to flood in on your stream. Most were all variants of the same things, people telling you how good you looked, or that they wanted to be the one to fuck you.

Sebastian had thought about leaving a comment as well, but couldn’t imagine pulling his focus away from you long enough to do so.

You were still fairy new in the porn industry, having only done videos alone or streams for your viewers. He’d seen a few of your videos and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t find your videos just as hot as the men leaving you comments and tips.

You gasp as you lift yourself up again, now riding the dildo faster than before. Your tits bounce up and down with every drop. The only sounds you can hear are your breathy moans and the sound of your slick on the toy.

Ride it harder baby

Look at how much she wants that cock

If you cum I’ll tip

You read the comments as you fuck yourself, pushing yourself even harder on the dildo. You can feel the knot forming in you, about to snap.

Sebastian feels himself get closer to his own climax, now fisting himself quickly, huffing out his breaths as he watches you.

“Please, please, please, please.” You moan out.

Your viewers spam your comment box with praise.

I love it when she begs

She’s so pretty when she’s about to cum

Your fingers rub against your clit, and soon enough you feel your release wash over you. You sit still on the toy and catch your breath.

Sebastian does the same, his hand now covered in his cum. He reaches for a towel to clean himself off as you pull yourself up off the toy.

Tips roll in, and comments along with them. Your viewers all teasing you for the mess you made and calling you a good girl.

You lift the dildo up and hold it near your camera. The light reflects off if it, showing off the creamy residue left on it from your activities.

“I hope you guys had fun, maybe as much fun as I did.” You wink at the camera. “Thank you for joining me tonight.” You give the camera a wave, then the stream ends.

Sebastian sighs as he leans back in his chair. He sees the link for your tips are still there. He clicks it and sends you a tip with a note attached.

Enjoyed the stream very much schatz. Maybe sometime we can work on a video or stream together? ~Sebastian

He knew it was pretentious to think you’d recognize his name, or that you’d want to collaborate with him at all. He was one of the biggest names in the industry though, and the worst you could do was say no.

You were surprised to see a notification from your tip jar after your stream had ended. You glanced at it, then continued cleaning up, only to quickly look at it again.

$200 from sebv

The note attached makes you furrow your brows in confusion. You’ve been asked to collaborate before and had denied it, but if this was the Sebastian Vettel? Your number of viewers would skyrocket.

You clicked on his name, and sure enough were brought back to his page. You’d watched a lot of his videos, often times with your fingers inside you while you watched. He was handsome, there was no denying that. He was dominant too, whenever he filmed with a girl he always took control, taking her pleasure into his hands. His accent is thick when he teases them, bringing them to the edge of release then pulling back.

You had to admit, it would be fun to get to film with Sebastian, to be on the receiving end of his touch.

You send him a private message thanking him for his tip, and telling him that you would be interested in filming together. You quickly shut your laptop, not wanting go see any response.

You finish cleaning up, then head to bed for the night.

The next day you sit with your computer, ready to start planning for future videos when you see a notification in your messages. You open it and read a message from Sebastian.

How about we meet first? I’m free at the end of the week if you’d like to get together for dinner.

You feel your face heat up. He’s definitely charming. You message him back giving him a time and date you’re available. He sends you the address of a restaurant, and suddenly you’ve got dinner plans.

The rest of the week leading up to dinner is pretty slow. You film some more videos to post later on, and read through your comments trying to figure out what people want to see.

You’re nervous when it’s finally time for your dinner with Sebastian. You picked out a dress that you liked, one that complimented you well, and showed off you legs and just enough of your cleavage to keep a man interested. Though, it hadn’t occurred to you until after you put it on that he’d already seen you with nothing on.

You find him seated at a table alone, scrolling on his phone. He’s also dressed well, a button down shirt and dark pants. His blonde hair is slightly messy, and he’s got scruff growing on his face.

His eyes lift up to meet yours when you approach him. He smiles and stands up, putting his phone in his pocket.

“Hello Y/n.” He says.

“Hi Sebastian.” You reach a hand out to give him a handshake.

He pulls your chair out for you, then moves to sit across from you.

“Thank you for meeting with me.” He says before taking a sip of his drink.

“Thank you for having me.” You smile.

“Well I haven’t had you yet.” He smirks.

You feel your face heat up at his remark. “I was surprised to see your message.”

He raises a brow at you. “Really? You don’t have offers piling up in your inbox?”

You scoff and shake your head. “I do, but none that actually interest me.”

“And I interest you?” He asks.

You take a breath. “You do. Your name does. If people see me with Sebastian Vettel then maybe they’ll become more interested in me.”

“Trust me, people are interested in you.” He winks.

Dinner goes off without a hitch, the two of you sharing stories about where you came from, your families, and what led you to doing porn. You quickly realized that under those flirty comments he was actually sweet. He cared about the people close to him, and donates quite a bit of money he makes to different charities.

You leave dinner that night with his phone number saved in your phone and a promise to call you with new plans to meet again.

[writingmeraki]

hazy eyes, clear thoughts I

a roronoa zoro imagine !

synopsis : in which letting your drunken mouth spill your sober thoughts leads you to a very unexpected consequence. ( read: everyone saw it coming except you and **** )

pairing : opla!zoro x gn!reader, idiots to lovers!

genre : disgustingly fluffy fluff, five tablespoons of angst and probable romance.

warnings : cussing, mentions of alcohol and getting wasted, zoro kinda mean, probably terrible humour, shit ton of giggling, also very all over the place but kinda cute? not entirely proofread, also lmk if I forgot to add any other warning !

author's note : well oh well, look we have another totally not self indulgent zoro oneshot/drabble/imagine n e ways I hit a sort of weird point of the series, I'm stuck but i am like 87% done with ch 1?? i hope I'll be able to do it soon enough ^^ tysm for ur patience !! let me know what you think of this! also PART 2?!? ( I need to know if people wanna read this randomness further 😆😅🤣👍🏽)

word count : 4.8k

gif creds !

 “Oh-kay! I think that’s enough!”

You frowned when Nami took the drink from your hand, whining in protest when she kept it further away which she knew your drunken self would be unable to reach.

“B-but it’s good, it’s making me happy!” You giggled as you pointed at yourself and then pouted, pulling your manipulative tactic, one you did a lot when you wanted something especially one you did when you were shit-face drunk. 

With large doey eyes, you pleaded at her, “You don’t want me to be sad right? I’ll be sad if you don’t give me- that.” You pointed in a direction you thought she placed the beer but of course, it was way off.

“See, you can’t even make out where I’ve placed the beer! I don’t care if it makes you upset and honestly, it was fun to see you make a fool out of yourself, but now it’s just…sad.” She sighed, a tone of sympathy as she finished her sentence,

“I know why you’re drinking and it’s not a good way to distract yourself from your feelings! Drinking worsens the problem!” She scolded you to which you now felt a small anger form within you.

“Well then, how else am I supposed to get rid of this dread and just stupidity huh? Being sober is a constant reminder!” 

“Your feelings aren’t stupid! You like him, I’d say even love! You can’t just assume your feelings are invalid not until you know how the other person feels!” Your best friend felt a rage you’d feel if you saw someone you care about demean their feelings, a sort of anger at them hidden with laces of sympathy.

“He doesn’t fucking care! He only cares about his promises and that’s…that’s his life, his own…way of living so it’s fine!”

“Feelings to him are just…distractions.” You gulped as you recalled the way he replied to Luffy when the Captain was teasing him about falling in love. 

[ a few moments ago ]

“Zoro, don’t you think you should consider finding a partner, don’t you also want to fall in love and experience all the magical things that come with it?” Luffy teased as you all sat around a barrel, deciding to just hang out after a busy day. 

Zoro had a beer in one hand as he took a sip and then rolled his eyes, you’d been seeing his reaction, undoubtedly your heart picking up its pace when you heard the question. 

“I don’t need love, or call it a partner if you will. I already have enough on my plate, all that so-called magical stuff is just a distraction.” He replied, with no hesitation which left no option but for the listeners to believe his words.

Just because he’d spoken his opinion, it didn’t mean it hurt less. You knew it though, from the start that Zoro was a determined individual. Despite having his own goals, he also cared about others like Luffy even though he didn't show it much, less that he said it verbally.

It was what made you like him in the first place. After all, what’s more, better than a man who knows what he wants, is determined to get what he wants, cares for those he considers his friends, and the bonus cherry on top being he was quite easy on the eyes too. 

A whole package indeed. 

And you didn’t even know when your supposed “I admire him as a person to look up to” turned into “Oh, I think I am in love with him.” 

But ah, that’s the beauty of love and all the magical stuff, isn’t it? You never know when you’ll be the one who finally falls into it.

That’s why, after hearing his words, you felt your heart sink just a little. Screw it, you think you felt it weigh a shit ton and sink to the very pit of your stomach. 

Nami, oh Nami, what a friend she was truly, because immediately her eyes darted to you after Zoro’s words and she saw your expression go down just as quickly as Zoro downed his bottle of beer. 

Luffy chuckled, of course, he would, the poor lad was just teasing in the first place anyway to irk Zoro and obviously, he didn’t know about poor old you’s feelings. 

I think I need to go. 

It sucked how you couldn’t refute against him. How you couldn’t yell that love is not just a “distraction”, love is something that makes one feel more…human. Love is a wonderful thing and how if someone were to experience it, it makes you feel….it makes you feel just happy at being in the presence of the one you, love. Just…love is not…it’s not-

“Uh guys,” You piped up after sensing the tense atmosphere, tense to you anyway since you felt like a seashell was clogged up your throat. 

“I’m gonna go…get some fresh air. Yeah uh- I’ll be behind if you need me.” You abruptly got up, smiling tightly at Luffy, purposefully avoiding Nami’s questioning yet pitiful look and harshly blatantly ignoring how Zoro’s attention turned towards you, about to question you too, his face showing the emotions he’d not show before 5 bottles of beer. 

Sighing quietly, you picked up the drink you’d been downing, still having an adequate portion in it and you thought about it, saying fuck it as you grabbed two more from the stack that was in the middle.

“Continue with…your shenanigans,” You turned around and let your emotions finally show on your face, words repeatedly swinging in your head as you tried to filter them out. 

It’s nothing but a distraction.

And now, a few bottles (2) and a whole lot of giggling later, you may have truly begun to take Zoro’s words seriously. 

“I feel sick, perhaps it’s my heart breaking, see it hurts here the most.” You groaned as you looked out into the sea, pointing to your chest, though inaccurate as you held your right side, the sun appearing as a blurry blight light due to your vision becoming hazier as you got more drunk.

Nami sighed at you, realizing you should probably just be made to go to bed, despite it being only a few hours away from actual nightfall.

“Come on, let’s go, you’ve thought enough,” She stood up, having been sitting beside you on a barrel while you’d been sitting on the same.

She pushed her hand outwards towards you, to which you giggled and you were pretty sure your cheeks ached now. 

“Namii~how do you have-” you pointed your finger out, counting the fingers “-ten fingers! On one hand?!” You continued staring at her hand in awe as she rolled her eyes, a small grin on her face, finding your drunken self a tiny bit cute. 

Suddenly you felt your world stumble as she grabbed you and pulled you upwards, you now decided you did not know how to walk and leaned your entire body weight on her. 

Now, Nami wasn’t a weak person but considering how you were more on the taller side than her while also being a bit more buff due to the immense training you did every day to practice your own skills, you did weigh more.

She quickly made you sit back down when she realized she couldn't possibly carry you, she needed help.

"Stay here 'kay? I'll be back." She told you to which you obediently nodded, which made a genuine grin form on her face.

Maybe she did prefer drunk you who'd follow her orders with no protests.

You looked back at the sea, the sun even lower than before, a type of golden shining on the blues that reminded you of a certain someone's earrings and oh, there it was.

Your thoughts slowly getting consumed by the moss head who despite drinking so much to forget was so embedded deep into your memory and probably heart at this point that even the slightest similarity you saw, be it colors or flowers, reminded you of him. 

Ah, that's love and all its magical stuff am I right? 

Sighing, she made her way back to where the rest of them were, the crew picking up on her presence,

"Where's Y/N? Weren't you bringing them?" 

"Well, for one they are SHIT face drunk, I don't think they are even conscious of where they are right now so I'll need to take them to bed but also, I can't carry them alone." 

She rolled her eyes at the stupidity of drowning yourself in your feelings, quite literally but she knew she wouldn't complain to the rest of them or more so she couldn't.

"Well I'm sure, one of us can help-"

"I'll help you carry them." Zoro interrupted your captain who was just about to suggest him. If there was one who could probably carry anything heavy too, it was him of course. 

Nami eyed him curiously, she did know he wasn't ready to do…kind deeds, not unless it helped him in some way. Though, she thinks, you may just be an exception.

He stood up and walked towards where you were, which was at the back, Nami followed suit to which he turned towards her.

"It's alright if you don't come, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to carry them myself." He said it and Nami narrowed her eyes, half out of suspicion and half out of spite after hearing the cocky undertone to his words. 

Proving that was one corner of his lips being turned upwards, forming an annoyingly handsome smirk that if you saw it, you'd probably be more on the brink of absolutely losing it.

"Take care of them and if they are hurt-" Zoro rolled his eyes at the over-exaggeration, and Nami knew that but as your best friend and a platonic soulmate at this point, she felt she had to say something. 

"I don't mean it that way, you know damn well what I mean." She told firmly, to which a slight confusion did flash in Zoro's eyes but he didn't make it obvious as he glared at her, ready to bicker.

"Nami!" Luckily, Luffy's timing seemed impeccable as he called her, to which she turned around, allowing no further talk.

Zoro just brushed off her words and moved to where you were.

Despite, Zoro admitting to never wanting a partner, it didn't mean though, that he didn't feel. 

He cared. He cared enough for Luffy to stick with him. He cared enough to fulfill a promise. 

And he cared for you too as he saw you sleeping soundly, laying your head on the ship, using your hands as a makeshift pillow. 

And yet, he somehow knew it was different. It was different from how he cared for others. 

He gulped as he moved closer, now being able to see your features being highlighted by the afterglow of the sun setting. 

It was as though you were the sun's favorite child at the moment, touching parts of your face softly, careful enough to not awaken you yet enough to rest on it to make it golden. 

The evening breeze couldn't have picked a better time to pass as strands of your hair messily moved, your face scrunching up in disturbance. 

He didn't even perceive how he'd reached you and was actually touching strands of your hair to push them back in place so as to not disturb your sleep. 

He wasn't even a gentle person, but he was using soft fingers with even softer touches to push them back. 

He figured he should in fact take you back to your bed, well shared bed with Nami. 

Deciding there was no need to wake you up, he moved beside you, putting one arm underneath your knees while the other looped just above your waist and below your chest. 

You blinked open your eyes when you felt yourself floating, it seemed like you were floating for a brief second, engulfed by warm clouds and a nice pillow that was-

You looked up and saw the side profile of someone. 

They seemed familiar. 

A glint of gold caught your eye as you put your left arm up and poked the earring, giggling as you saw it move.

"Wow, pretty," You think you'd seen it but your eyes being hazier than before after your mini nap seemed to only make your vision more blurry.

The sudden exhale and whisper down his neck almost made Zoro trip as he didn't really expect you to be up.

He was just near your shared room.

"Where are you taking me? Who are you?" You asked the important questions now, your mushed brain being able to form somewhat coherent thoughts. 

"You- you don't know who I am?" He asked you, confusion in his features and then remembering why you were lost. 

Right, practically wasted. And apparently memory loss due to being wasted.

He pushed the door open, as flimsy as it was, careful to not eventually break it down.

You looked around your surroundings, now even more lost as to where you actually were.

You squealed as he let you down, immediately realizing it was a terrible idea when you almost toppled over, unable to hold your own weight as he pushed his arm around your waist.

You held onto the man's shirt as you tried not to trip and fall.

"Here I'll just- I'll get you to bed." He guided you towards your bed, hand still wrapped around your waist as he looped yours over his neck. 

You plopped down with your eyes shut, your head began spinning when you almost tripped and you groaned in regret.

"Drinking too much was such a bad idea, like all my decisions lately." You put your hand on your forehead as you tried to rub the forming headache away. 

Hearing a walking sound, you peered your eyes open. Half-open anyways as you still couldn't make out well anything.

You could see the supposed stranger who'd help you till your bed was going to turn around and likely go but at that moment, you decided you didn't really want to be…alone.

Grabbing his hand before he moved away, you pulled him back with all your force. It didn't phase his movements much though other than him halting. 

Zoro turned back to you after deciding he should probably leave before he either said something he'd regret or worse, did something he'd regret. 

It wasn't his fault though with how…cute you looked as you plopped down, making him want to ki-

"Stay…please." You whispered to him, still holding onto his wrist as you blinked at him.

A familiar green color sat on top of his head but you figured it was a common color despite being sober you absolutely made fun of it when you could about how uncommon it was but also whined about how unfairly good it looked on him. 

The same him who looked at you in confusion and disbelief,

"You want me to stay, right now? With you?"

“Of course! I feel quite alone right now, maybe the company will make me feel better here.” You let go of his arm, the loss of your colder hand in contrast to his warm skin making him slightly frown. 

You pointed at your chest, surprisingly getting it right this time by pointing toward your left side.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “Does your chest hurt or something?” 

There was a slight concern in his tone, one which made you giggle. 

“Not- not physically silly, it’s- it’s my heart, it feels like it’s been gutted- wait no too- too gruesome, it feels like someone just punched it and it broke.” As you blubbered about your heartbroken state, your words made him more curious and concerned.

He decided he should probably hear you out, after all despite not being a great talker, he’d consider himself a decent listener. 

Grabbing the barrel you used as a chair placed under your makeshift desk, he moved to sit beside your bed. 

“It’s ridiculous. I should have known there was no chance, but it isn’t like you get a choice sometimes on how you should feel about someone, it just…happens.” You spoke softly, as Zoro turned his attention toward you, wondering who was this person who’d caused you to feel so…sad. 

He didn’t realize it but he felt a slow anger build up, one he excused as frustration due to your mumbling but not one out of simply, probably, jealousy.

Yes, he was jealous of….this person because it sure as hell seemed as though you were deeply in love to have been feeling like this. 

Ironic.

“Why do I even like him?” Oh, he definitely did not want to hear you talk about him, he decided.

Screw being a good listener, he was already in a crisis when Luffy put him on the spot asking about whether he’d want a lover or not, and then him trying his best not to divert his gaze towards you, so instead he chose an option ( one he’d regret later on ) and gave a seemingly believable answer. 

Maybe a while ago, he’d have stuck to that answer, and actually no, he was sticking to it, quite well too.

That was until you stumbled onto the crew or more like in true Luffy fashion, were persuaded enough to stay. 

At first, he didn’t care enough. It was more so he didn’t particularly like you too. You were what he was not. Careless, overly enthusiastic at times, and way too optimistic for your own good. You looked to see the good in everyone, believing that there was always some sort of goodness in everyone.

Zoro found that stupid, knowing how reality was always different. Everyone is and will always be selfish for their own greed. He was too, he wanted to fulfill his promise and that was it. 

That was his goal and nothing else really mattered to him.

It’s what he thought would remain the same till he accomplished it but a sudden diversion came in the form of well…you.

He didn’t even realize it but the annoyance he’d get when he heard your lame jokes turned into him looking away from your silly smile to try and hide his own forming grin.

How he’d always automatically be looking for you if they’d stop at an island, choosing to follow you and dismissing Nami’s suspicious glances by saying you’d likely do something stupid that might put everyone in danger if left alone.

It was funny what this could make anyone feel. He didn’t ever feel like this, he didn’t even want to admit he was close to feeling but how long could a person remain in denial?

He was in love with you. 

He couldn’t simply excuse his heart racing at your presence as simply annoyance, he couldn’t excuse finding pretty flowers and them reminding him of you as well….yeah you get the point. 

That revelation honestly made him spiral into a sort of existential crisis. 

So he decided it was best to do one thing.

Ignore it. Ignore everything and simply wait until it all fades away. 

But silly him, he didn’t know one thing about love and he assumed it was something that fades away, yet there it was, in his gaze as it softened and in his heart as it sunk slowly like an anchor. 

Clogging his throat as if he couldn’t simply breathe when you admitted to being in love with someone, someone who wasn’t him.

Ah love and its magical stuff, yet why does he feel like it's more of a curse right now? 

He opened his mouth, and closed it again, resembling a fish and it felt like he wanted to say everything yet nothing.

They probably don’t deserve you. 

The thought resonated in his head, but really who was he to say so because did someone like you even deserve him?

Turning to face him completely, ducking your hand under your head, you blinked at him slowly, a grin forming on your face as you saw the stranger’s hair.

“You…you remind me of him, your hair, it’s that ugly color.” You softly giggled to which Zoro was left in yet a contradiction of emotions, whether or not he should feel offended or light over the sound of your soft giggles. 

Wait. 

“Come closer, I’ll tell you a secret.” He blinked at you, trying not to show any emotions and wondering if you’d ever even talk to him like this sober.

Deciding to follow what you said, something he’d never do if you were sober, he leaned in, putting one arm as support to hold him due to the slightly uncomfortable position. 

“I- don’t laugh at me first of all, it’s ridiculous, Nami says I’m being too much of a coward not saying it upfront.” You looked at him to which he nodded, in your mind you presumed it was reassurance and agreeing to not find you ridiculous.

Somehow, despite you not knowing who was in front of you, your heart was picking up in pace and you felt a slight nervousness, actually, you almost felt like throwing up.

As if you were just about to actually…

“I think, actually no, I am definitely in love with Zoro.”

…confess to Zoro. 

Good thing, Zoro had quick reflexes because he felt his arm slip and if it weren’t for those quick reflexes, he’d have fallen face-first into the ground. He sat up straighter as if what he heard had physically burned him. 

“It sounds ridiculous, falling in love with someone like him but he’s actually a very loveable person, at least once he begins to get more…more comfortable around you. He talks less, shows emotions or any reactions even less, always carrying around a bitch face- Nami says so- but-but he also cares through his actions like-like that one time he found Luffy’s straw hat when he thought he lost- he spent hours helping him look for it and trying to keep Luffy from crying and then, then this other time he stayed up all night when I got hurt and wasn’t able to sleep. And-and there’s sooo many other times he’s done, the small things, he cares for that.”

“You know. I think that was when I knew I loved him.  When he didn’t need to stay up, yet he did to make sure I didn’t die or something.” You finished with a soft giggle as memories of that day flashed in front of your closed eyes. 

Suddenly he felt way warmer than the room was. 

“I know, I know you’ll…you’ll call me stupid for loving someone who’s already in fact rejected me, not-not to my face of course but indirectly I suppose.”

Wait, what?

Rejected you?

How could he do that when- when he didn’t-

“I hate this! I hate the way I feel, it- it’s making me feel pathetic.” Your words slurred as you whined, using your makeshift pillow to groan into.

“Who said love is magical? It’s pathetic! It makes you stupid enough to have stupid hopes that only make you fly high until suddenly the actual reality crashes you down hard.” You spoke somberly, your words slowly fading out as you gave into the alcohol-induced sleep.

“Love is…pathetic. But- but I love him. So much. I love…you.” The last word came out as a hush as you exhaled, shutting your eyes and letting go of the pillow as you finally got knocked out. 

It pained him to see you call yourself pathetic…all while being the reason you felt that way. 

Zoro was conflicted. The contradiction of emotions making him all do,

Nothing. 

He was frozen. He couldn't say a word, couldn't raise his hand to rub your back to perhaps comfort you. 

His mind was in more chaos, your words replaying like a loop. 

And finally, he came to a conclusion.

I need a drink. Fuck, maybe even three. 

Perhaps if you were awake, it’d be a different reaction. Perhaps if you weren’t drunk, you’d have not said it. 

The idea of you then getting over him, probably because you’d think he rejected you indirectly due to his words. This left a more bitter aftertaste in his mouth and mind than the beer he just downed.

He left your side, deciding he needed a breather to process what he’d just been told. He made sure you’d be in a comfortable position, placing your arms to your sides and even draped a sad excuse of a blanket, one that you brought yourself of an old woman when you had stopped at an island and one you loved, sad excuse because it was very thin but apparently you couldn’t sleep without it. 

He had turned back to you, one more time, about to say something but he just sighed and turned around, walking away to where he was now. 

Now, almost halfway through the crate of beers, he still couldn’t get rid of the confusion. 

Did- did you mean it?

It was conflicting because for one you said it under the influence, maybe you’d even meant someone else and just said his name by mistake. He hated that, so he chose to focus on you saying it solely for him. 

“Why-just why are you trying to die of alcohol poisoning? What is up with you idiots drinking like maniacs today?” A voice said in both disgust and concern as she walked up beside him, facing the sea, and then looking at him, the concern being evident as she saw the conflict of emotions on his face.

She knew he wasn’t one to speak up, it was rather his body language and eyes that spoke what he felt. 

He just sighed, taking a smaller sip of the drink, placing both arms on the side of the ship, and observing the waves.

Nami truly wondered what could have happened until she realized. 

“Did something happen with Y/N?” She cooly asked, observing his expression and surely enough a change of emotion was seen with the way he suddenly stiffened up.

“Nothing remarkable–”

“Oh cut the crap Zoro, you look like someone stole your fucking swords and threw them into the sea.” 

Now he turned towards her, a slight look of horror while he narrowed his eyes at her,

“That’s oddly specific.”

“Won’t deny anything. But, don’t change the topic.”

“They told’ you something?” She figured she should just straight up ask it, put it out in the blue, out of the bad.

Zoro contemplated whether he should spill it, feeling like maybe it would be invading your privacy but even if he didn’t want to admit it, he needed some sort of advice. 

“They- uh told me they lo- well see-” He shifted his attention back to the sea, finding it hard to say it to her face without giving away much. 

Technically you confessed but also you didn’t? You ranted about being in love with Zoro and how you wished you didn’t, you did that thinking you were spilling it to a stranger but it was the man himself so is that a confession? 

“So they finally did it?” He turned towards her raising his eyebrows in question, “They confessed?” 

Now he was surprised but how accurate she was, “ They are too coward- no offense- to do it while sober so ‘figured from the way you look like” She pointed towards his face with her finger “They either kissed you, which doesn’t seem evident from your face not being smothered with lipgloss, they confessed.” 

He gulped from his active imagination flashing a picture of you kissing him and how-

“But why are you so freaked out then? Shouldn’t you be happy your silly little crush is mutual?”

“It wasn’t a confession. More like a rant, they thought I was someone else and they basically spewed it all, and wait what do you mean mutual- I don’t uh-”

“Oh don't give that bullshit now. I know- in fact, even a blind person could see how in love you are with them.” 

Zoro didn’t know whether to get offended or embarrassed if it were really that obvious. He exhaled heavily, clearly not satisfied with the situation still. 

“What if they don’t even remember? What if they begin to ignore me because they think I don’t like them?” 

“Well you did say you weren’t looking for a partner or so on, did you forget that idiot?” Nami shook her head as she rolled her eyes at him.

“I-well- It wasn’t intentional! I panicked!”

“And now this is your consequence. Though there’s a simple solution to this crisis which isn’t a crisis actually, it’s pretty straightforward.”

Now he was curious, a way to solve this whole catastrophe? 

“Since you think they’ll forget by morning, how about you confront them then?”

“In the morning, you clear out your feelings before you dumbasses end up avoiding each other to purposefully brush this aside and I swear! I swear if it gets awkward because you both won’t look past your egos, I’ll force you into the damn cabin and lock you there to talk.”

Nam smiled sweetly, yet a threat underlined beneath her final words and Zoro thought of the only thing he should do now.

“Fine then.”

“I’ll talk. I’ll…confess to everything.”

all written works as well as images and edits (unless credited) belong to pri.do not plagiarise, repost, re-edit or claim as yours. pics mostly found on pinterest.

writingmeraki Ⓒ 2023

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[katareyoudrilling]

The Sweepstakes: Frankie Morales (Porn Star AU)

Pairing: Frankie Morales x Porn Star Female Reader

Summary: A popular porn site runs a sweepstakes to win a night with your favorite porn star. One of the winners is a man and he has chosen you.  Will it be a night of mediocre sex or will Frankie surprise you?

Word count: ~3.5k

Rating: Explicit (18+ only. NO MINORS)

Content Warnings: Unprotected PIV (paperwork is involved), oral (m and f receiving), a hint of tummy worship, reader’s clothing is described briefly but no physical description

A/N: I got in the weeds a bit thinking how something like this could be made safe for everyone involved and decided we all just need to suspend our disbelief.  I left some in for the sake of “the plot” but let’s trust that everyone has good intentions.  The company mentioned is heavily inspired by Bellesa.  This was a lot of fun to write and I hope you enjoy a reverse sweepstakes!

Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated!

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“Thanks for coming in.”  Erin shuts the door behind you as you take a seat across from her desk.

“Of course.”  You have a scene to film after this meeting.  It was no problem to come in a little early.

“So, as you know, we are running this sweepstakes for our subscribers to win a night with their favorite performer.  You agreed to be one of the female options and even though the vast majority of our subscribers are women, one of our winners is a man and he chose you.”

“Oh wow.”  You can’t help but be a little flattered.  Everyone likes to be chosen.

“Yeah, so I just wanted to check in with you and make sure you’re ok to continue.  I have his picture and basic info here.”  She slides some paperwork across the desk, and you pick it up.

Looking back at you are the kindest brown eyes you think you’ve ever seen.  He is wearing a baseball cap – hair curling around his ears – a scruffy beard, and a lopsided smile.  His name is Francisco Morales.

“We’ve done a background check and everything like we talked about, and he looks good from our end.  You still have the right to refuse, though,” Erin continues as you read over Francisco’s information.

“He’s cute.  I’m not concerned.  I can handle a night of mediocre sex with a civilian and make this guy’s dream come true.”  It feels a little conceited to say it, but as an adult entertainer, you know you’re the subject of a lot of male fantasies.  You also know that you are very good at what you do.

Erin laughs.  “That’s very generous of you.  Hopefully it won’t be too bad, but best to set expectations low.”  She takes the papers back from you.  “I know you have a scene to film upstairs.  I’ll let you know when we get this scheduled.”

“Sounds good.  Thanks, Erin!”  You push back from the desk and leave the office with a wave.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

When the day arrives, you prepare like you would for any scene.  You’re not more nervous than any other day when you’d be having sex with a new scene partner.  You dress in your signature outfit of a crop-top and cut-off jean shorts, showing off your legs is never a bad idea.

When you arrive at the studio, you check in with Erin to go over Francisco’s final paperwork and reaffirm that all the company’s requirements around consent and safety have been met.

When everything is settled, you go to meet him in the filming room.

You open the door to a man pacing back and forth, worrying a baseball cap in his hands.  Erin had warned you that he seemed nervous and not to expect him to be sitting eagerly on the bed waiting for you like your usual partners.

He looks up at you when he hears the door, panic written all over his features.

“Hi, Francisco, it’s nice to meet you.”  You approach him cautiously, opening your arms for a hug.

He accepts the hug and you’re pleasantly surprised at the warm comfort of his broad shoulders and t-shirt-clad chest before pulling away.

“Call me Frankie,” he replies, running his fingers through his wavy hair.

“Frankie it is.  How are you?”

“I’m… I’m sorry, I just… I feel like such a creep.” He hangs his head and twists the hat in his hands.  “The cameras…” he gestures to the tripods set up in the corners of the room.  “They said they are partly to keep you safe… I… I shouldn’t be here.”

He was right about the cameras.  Sweepstakes winners had the option of recording their encounter for private use, but in your case, the feed would also be monitored for your safety.

“I heard you chose to go for the recording option.  I’m glad you did.  I would have tried to change your mind before we started otherwise.”  He glances up at you, surprised.  “I like performing for cameras.”  You shrug and one corner of his mouth twitches.  You take it as a good sign.

“Look Frankie, I’m not going to make you stay, but I’d really like if we could talk for a minute.”

You sit on the bed and pat the spot next to you.  Frankie relents and sits next to you, keeping a safe distance between your bodies.  It’s endearing really, and warmth stirs in your chest.

“We’re both adults here, Frankie.  I signed up for this too, you know.  No one is forcing me to be here.”

Frankie lets out a long exhale and finally meets your gaze.  “Thank you for saying that.  It’s just a really strange situation and I got in my head about it.”

“Perfectly understandable.  Why don’t you tell me why you entered the sweepstakes?”

He runs his hand through his hair again, it must be a nervous habit of his.  It’s delightfully disheveled and you notice shades of caramel and gray woven through the dark brown waves.  You allow your gaze to roam over his features.  Aquiline nose.  Pouty lips.  He is a very handsome man.  His picture didn’t do him justice.

“I’m not sure what I was thinking at the time, to be honest with you.  I’m just a big fan.”  He offers you that lopsided smile you first saw in his photo.

“You know, most of our subscribers are women, it’s kind of our thing.  What lead you to us? And as a subscriber as well?”

“Good question,” he exhales again.  “I really like the idea of supporting an ethical production company where I can know everyone involved is consenting.  I don’t want to ever think someone has been coerced or treated badly while I’m… you know.”  His ears turn pink, and it might be the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen.

“That’s important to me too,” you nod and scoot a little bit closer to him on the bed.

“I also like that the orgasms are real.  I’m not interested in anyone... faking.”  If his ears weren’t red before, they certainly are now.  Along with his nose and cheeks.

It occurs to you that one of the other female performer options practically comes if you look at her.  If Frankie had just wanted an ego boost tonight, he could have easily chosen her.  It’s not that it’s difficult for you, but it is going to take some effort.  It stirs your interest that he might be up to the challenge.

“Do you like making women come, Frankie?”

He nods and smiles a little, still looking down at the hat in his hands.

“Do you think you can make me come tonight?” You look up at him through your eyelashes.

“I’d certainly like to fucking try,” he looks directly into your eyes and the deep rumble of his voice turns the affectionate warmth in your chest into a building fire in your core.  You move even closer so that your leg is touching his.

Frankie stares at the bare skin of your knee where it brushes against his jeans.

“Can I touch you, Frankie?”

He looks up at you and nods.  So much want burning in his kind eyes.

You run your fingers through the hair at his temple and scratch your nails through his scruff.  He leans into your hand and moans.

Oh fuck.

The sound shoots straight to your pussy.

“Can I touch you?” Frankie rasps.

“Yes, you can.  But you need to lose the hat.”

He chuckles, dropping the misshapen hat on the floor before tentatively lifting his hand to place it on your leg.  His hands are large, warm, and calloused.  Sparks fly over your skin as he strokes your softness.  You lean in slowly and press your lips to his cheek, then his mouth.

His plush lips part with a sigh.  You turn his face towards you as you gently explore.

It’s been a while since you’ve just made out with someone.  He seems to need you to go slowly and you certainly don’t want to spook him now that he is more relaxed.  In your brief conversation you’ve become very curious about this man.

Frankie tentatively glides his hand over your clothed hip, barely letting his fingers caress the skin above the waistband of your shorts.

You guide him gently up onto the bed and stretch out along his long frame.  He’s so warm and soft, you just want to snuggle into his chest.

It’s luxurious and unhurried and oh so hot.

You let out a contented sigh as you slide your hand under his shirt and up his back.  His grip tightens on your hip, so you roll your hips towards him in response – encouraging him to touch you.

He receives the message, shifting his hand to palm your ass.  You moan into his mouth and are rewarded with a strangled groan as his grip tightens.  His rough fingertips skim the sensitive skin of your upper thigh sending shivers up your spine.

“You feel so good, Frankie,” you break away from his mouth as he trails kisses down your neck.  “I want to feel more of you.”

You tug at his shirt and he reluctantly stops kissing you to pull it over his head.  You are rewarded with a vision of golden skin over strong muscles.  He’s slightly soft around the middle and it makes you want to see your teeth marks on his skin.

You sit up and quickly pull your crop top over your head and are reaching for the clasp of your bra, when he sits up and stills your hands.

“Let me, baby.”

“Whatever you want, Frankie.”

You place your hands on his chest as he traces his fingers over the cups and straps of your bra, watching goosebumps rise over your skin.  It’s so sensuous and deliberate, you’re struggling not to whimper and you don’t even have your clothes off yet.  When he reaches around to undo the clasp, you crowd into his chest and begin to lick and suck at his neck.

His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat as you taste his skin.  Delicious.  You allow your bra to slide down your arms and off then reach for the button of his jeans.  “Take these off.”

“In a minute,” Frankie replies and you scoff.  This isn’t the nervous man you first met.  You smile to yourself.  He must be getting comfortable.  

Turns out he needs a minute because he wants to explore your tits.  He brushes his fingertips over your nipples, watching them tighten in response.  He gathers you onto his lap, better to pull each bud into his mouth.

He swirls his tongue around you, one breast at a time, palming the other with his large hands.  It’s exquisitely, maddeningly slow.  Your pussy aches as you try to find some friction through your shorts, but he’s holding you away from himself.

Frankie smiles around your tit as you whine and try to grind into him.

“You like this, huh?” you complain, clutching at his broad shoulders.

“Do I like making you sound like that? Yes, I do.”  His voice rumbles pleasantly against your chest.

He finally relents, working his way up your neck and back to your mouth.  You take control of the kiss, plunging your tongue into his mouth and nipping at his bottom lip.  He lays back for you on the bed, settling with his head up against the headboard.  You take the opportunity to undo the fly of his jeans.

“Can I have these now?” you tease.

“Only if I can have yours.” His gorgeous mouth pulls up into his signature lopsided grin.

“Deal.”  You shimmy out of your shorts and underwear as he pulls down his jeans and boxers and tosses them on the floor.

You sit back on your heels and take in the gloriously naked man in front of you.  His long legs stretch out on either side of your hips.

He’s not the polished, waxed, perfectly honed specimen of a man you often work with.  You find that it’s perfectly ok with you, might even be preferable.  He’s so real, splayed out and unselfconscious.

Broad, warm, soft at the edges, but hard where it matters.

And the way he’s looking at you…  It gives you shivers.  There’s a deep hunger in those brown eyes, but also patience and a surprising amount of control.  You had expected this to be a pretty quick encounter, but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.  You squirm, noticing the wetness building in your center.

He watches you with hooded eyes as you slide your hands up his muscular thighs.  His cock bobs eagerly against his stomach.  He has a very nice cock.  Possibly the best you’ve seen on a civilian, being a porn star does spoil you a bit in that regard.

His is nice and thick and plenty big enough to know he will feel really good.

You take him in your hand and stroke him up and down, licking your lips.

“You don’t ha…” he interrupts and you silence him with a look.

“I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do, Frankie.  Trust me.”

He nods and exhales, relaxing again against the headboard.  His chest is delightfully flushed as he takes stuttering breaths with each stroke of your hand.

“You’re so pretty,” you praise him and watch as the flush creeps up his neck and blooms across his cheeks.

So fucking pretty.

Then you take him in your mouth.

His hips buck underneath you and he curses as he tries to still himself.  

You pull out all the stops, giving him the slipperiest, deepest blow job you can.

You enjoy watching men come apart for you.  It’s a shame so many of your scene partners are so used to it now, they don’t react the way Frankie does.

He fists his hands in the sheets.  His mouth drops open.  His chest rises and falls with ragged pants.  The tendons in his neck strain as he tries to keep himself under control.

His cock is thick and heavy on your tongue.  Just how you like it.

You take your time taking him apart.

He’s just so pretty.

At the first sign that his control is slipping, you slow down.  Easing yourself off him and surveying the wrecked man in front of you with satisfaction.

You kiss your way up his tummy, nipping his soft flesh as you go.  Your teeth marks look just as good as you hoped – little pink crescents on his golden skin.  You continue up his chest and recapture his mouth for a hungry kiss.

You straddle his hips and line yourself up to sink down, when he grabs you and flips you over.

“Not yet, sweetheart.”  He pants into your mouth before kissing down your body, stroking your skin with his calloused fingers.  He continues working his way down to your pussy making his intent clear.  What a pleasant surprise.

You love oral sex and even sub-par oral, is still oral, right?  You prop yourself up on your elbows and open your knees wide so you can watch as Frankie takes a long lick from your entrance to your clit.

You sigh in contentment.  His mouth is warm, wet, and firm.  So what if you don’t come, it still feels good.

You relax and let your head drop back as Frankie explores.  He circles… sucks… nudges.

Oh

Ohhhh

Tightness coils in your belly and you look down at him with a gasp.

He’s good at this.

He’s looking up at you.  Brown eyes crinkled at the corners as he slowly drags his tongue through your folds.  Then he winks.

He knows he’s good at this.

You can’t help the giggle that escapes your throat, but are quickly pulled back under by the pleasure emanating from between your legs.

“Yes, Frankie. That feels so good,” you moan succumbing to the building pressure.  You clench around nothing and are rewarded with a thick finger in your cunt.

“Fuuuuck,” you whine as he strokes in time with his tongue.

“You taste so good, sweetheart.  You gonna come for me?” he rasps between licks.  His scruff tickling your sensitive skin.

Who is this pussy-eating king who is better than some of the professionals you’ve worked with?

It doesn’t matter.

All that matters is the coil winding tighter in your belly.  The fluttering of your pussy.  The stars sparking at the edge of your vision.

And suddenly you’re coming.  Pulsing against his tongue as he works you through it.  Groaning his own pleasure into your center.

As the waves subside, Frankie reclaims your mouth, dragging his cock through your slick folds, blocking out your vision with his broad shoulders.  You pull him down to you, running your fingers through his hair and down along his muscular back.

“How do you want me, baby?” you ask him between nips at his bottom lip.  You tilt your hips up to him and savor the rough grind of his cock between your legs.

“I want you every way, sweetheart.”  He nuzzles into your neck and your heart does a little pitter patter.  Just post-orgasm glow, you tell yourself.

“I want this to be a night to remember for you, Frankie.  How about the porn star special?”

He pulls back from nuzzling your neck, amusement lifting one side of his face into that charming grin.  “What’s the porn star special?”

You give him a mischievous grin, “Just follow my lead.”

Over the course of the evening, you lead Frankie through your repertoire.  The kinds of hyper flexible positions he’ll only ever see in porn.  You giggle your way through some of the more ridiculous ones when Frankie furrows his brow and questions what exactly anyone is supposed to be getting out of this.

You slow down when Frankie grabs your hips and hisses that he’s too close.  You kiss across his chest and shoulders and from his neck to his soft tummy as he regains his composure.  You take breaks for water and lube, teasing and laughing while you catch your breath.

You come more than once along the way.  Frankie finds your clit and gives you the extra friction you need to tip over the edge.  He stays with you, locked eyes and panted breath, through each one.  You don’t think too hard about why each time you come, it’s while staring into those soulful eyes.

In the end, you find yourself on his lap, grinding your hips into him as he sits with his back against the headboard and his face between your tits.  He feels so good in your pussy, filling you up just right.

It’s syrupy and slow, both of you worn out and rocking into each other.  Frankie’s panted moans hot against your chest.

“Can I finish in you?” he pleads, sweaty curls plastered across his forehead.

“You don’t want to see your cum all over me?”

“No, no, I need to feel you around me when I come, sweetheart, please,” he begs.  “I need your perfect pussy.”  As if you would deny him that.

You brush his hair away from his face and press a soft kiss to his lips.  “Of course, Frankie.  Fill me up.”

Frankie practically growls as he tips you backwards on to the bed.  He positions himself above you, grasping your leg as he drives into you in long, firm strokes.  

He pours every last ounce of his energy into you, finally allowing himself to chase the climax you’ve been edging him towards all evening.  He presses his forehead to yours while he slams into you at a relentless pace.  So close.  So deep.  Your climax hovers on the horizon once again.

“Come with me Frankie,” you whimper.  He groans and stutters in response.  You watch his face contort into pure bliss and it tips you over the edge with him.

Such a beautiful sight.

Maybe you need a copy of this video too.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Frankie waits on the sidewalk for his Uber, resting his back against the non-descript building and letting the memories of the evening replay in his mind.

After the scene, you had both cleaned up.  The bed was a mess, but you had assured him that it was ok, it came with the business.

You were more wonderful than he ever could have imagined.  So beautiful, sexy, and fun.  You had been so kind and complimentary after.  He didn’t know how to end the evening… to say goodbye.  He stammered his thanks when you gave him a hug and a final kiss as you showed him where he could take a shower before he left for the night.

When he’d come out, you were already gone.

Just a memory now.

One he would revisit often.

Thank fuck he agreed to the video.

His phone buzzes in his pocket.  The Uber is probably close by.  He pulls it out absently, brain still hazy and sex-addled.

There’s a message from an unknown number:

I hope you don’t mind, I convinced Erin to give me your number.  I had a great time tonight.  Call me sometime ;-)

A slow smile spreads over his face.  Maybe not just a memory after all.

- - - - - - - - - 

Series Masterlist

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[changbunnies]

Piece of a Puzzle, (18+)

♡ Pairing: Duke’s Son!Seungmin x Princess!Reader

♡ Genre: royal au, fake dating, angst, fluff, love triangle, best friends to fake lovers to real lovers, so much pining from seungmin, slow burn-ish?, eventual smut

♡ Word Count: 20.4k (lmao it was not supposed to be this long...)

♡ Summary: For as long as Seungmin can remember, he’s been in love with you; and for as long as he can remember, you’ve been in love with Hyunjin. Desperate for Hyunjin to see you as a woman and no longer as a best friend or metaphorical sister, you ask Seungmin to pretend to be your boyfriend to make him jealous- you have nothing to lose, and nothing could go wrong! At least, that’s what you both think until your fake relationship with Seungmin begins to reveal feelings for you that he wanted to keep buried, and feelings in you that you didn't realize you had.

♡ Warnings: I know some people hate love triangles so if that is you then this fic is not for you I am sorry gsddgfd, I also wouldn't read this if you're not okay with characters who make mistakes and act selfishly lol, seungmin says mean things but it's all in the spirit of teasing and banter and he is not actually a mean person I promise, mentions of falling in freezing water, being sick + taking medicine, and mc makes 1 joke about killing seungmin.

♡ Smut Warnings (contains spoilers): virgin reader + virgin seungmin, loss of virginity, no intended d/s dynamics but reader is usually the one taking the lead lol, lots of kissing per usual, handjob, nipple play, unprotected piv, creampie

♡ Notes: it took me forever to come back to this series but the next member to get their royal au fic is seungmin <3 unlike my previous royal au fics, this one is in a modern setting which i hope makes for a fun dynamic and is a good change of pace from my other aus ! 

♡ Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.

If you were to ask Seungmin what his favorite thing about having two best friends was, it would've been how special it was to be a trio. You, Seungmin, Hyunjin- the three of you inseparable since you were babies, spending hours giving the attendants and guards watching over you trouble, getting into snowball fights in the winter and camping out in the gardens during the summer.

Countless days spent splashing around in the lakes and ponds near your estates and coming back with muddied feet, making messes in the kitchens when you disastrously tried to figure out how to bake a cake for your upcoming birthday, and giggling to each other even as your elders got red in the face from scolding you.

It was perfect, really- the happiest days of Seungmin's life, all spent in carefree bliss.. until you all started to get older. It was all so mindless when you were children; all Seungmin ever really comprehended back then was that you were all of similar age, and becoming friends was a natural and perfect arrangement thanks to your parents (who Seungmin realized were all important people, though he was too young at the time to understand why or how.) You, the princess in the east, Hyunjin, the prince in the west, and Seungmin, the duke's son born in the middle of both territories, whose father allied himself to both nations and was a revered peacekeeper.

He can still remember fondly the nights before it all became so different; when you'd have guard sanctioned sleepovers in the ballroom, how you'd run and splash in the rain, your laughter carrying even as the three of you became soaked and eventually scolded for dripping water onto the pristine castle floors. You'd slip out of royal events to go hangout together on the balconies, in the library, or anywhere really, as long as it wasn't full to the brim with your pretentious elders talking politics and future marriage.

But Seungmin made the mistake of falling in love with you, and you fell in love with Hyunjin, and that's where it all falls apart.

The situation is dramatic, you're dramatic- the way you whine and flail on the bed, claims of how you'll "just die" if Hyunjin doesn't finally realize you're the woman of his dreams. Seungmin sits across from you on your chaise near the balcony of your extravagant bedroom, trying not to react too strongly one way or the other. As the only person you can confide in on this topic, Seungmin is used to hearing you pour your heart out to him about Hyunjin.

He likes to think he's used to it, anyways; that it doesn't hurt anymore because he simply doesn't let it, but any outsider looking in would be able to tell that isn't true. His smile falters, his bright eyes dull, his heart sinks to the pit of his stomach- because you will never love him with the same intensity you love Hyunjin. But it's been this way for years now; you are hopelessly in love with the prince of the neighboring country, while Seungmin is tragically in love with you. He really should just get over it already.

You've gone on and on and on about how Hyunjin is the ideal man- beautiful, educated, kind, dependable, artistic- everything Seungmin feels he cannot compare to. It's so pathetic, he feels pathetic; he never even put much thought on being of equal standing to the two of you until you started confiding in him about your feelings for Hyunjin, pouring out your heart and simultaneously breaking his with each new admission. Seungmin himself didn't even realize how in love with you he was until he was firmly faced with rejection; and it's almost funny how he's rejected before he can even try.

"I just want him to like, finally see me as a woman, y'know? I'm not the little girl you guys grew up with anymore!" you wail before shoving your face into one of your many pillows, huffing and whining in frustration as you kick your feet up and down. Apparently, you have come to find out that Hyunjin still views you as more of a sister than a potential lover, and you've spent the entire afternoon whining as you try to think of what else you can possibly do to make Hyunjin see you differently.

Seungmin wishes he could do the same- make you see him differently, as someone other than the best friend, almost brotherly figure you grew up with. But it's not meant to be, and Hyunjin has already won the race for your affection without even realizing he was part of it. "Stop being so dramatic," Seungmin complains half-heartedly, hoping you think his deadpan tone comes from just being mildly annoyed and not in fact utterly heartbroken.

You lift your head from the pillows and glare at him, but he just rolls his eyes before he lets his own head fall back against the cushion of the chaise, staring up at your impossibly pristine ceiling. "But we're a perfect match! He's a prince, I'm a princess, and I love him!" you whine, throwing one of your pillows at Seungmin when all he does is scoff instead of console you.

He throws the pillow back at you without even turning his head in your direction, and you throw it back harder than you did before, making him finally turn his gaze back in your direction. "Will you stop? Crybaby," Seungmin says, hoping to shift the conversation back to something that doesn't tear his heart to shreds. "Maybe he'd like you more if you weren't such a brat when you don't get your way."

"Seungmin!" your frown grows as you cross your arms, "do you have to be so mean to me when I'm literally heartbroken?" He has a point, that's true enough- you are acting a bit like a spoiled brat right now. But he could at least wait until later to call you out on it! You don't understand why he's always so mean when it comes to your feelings about Hyunjin. It's his personality to tease and be playfully mean in his banter, but when your feelings for your other best friend are the topic it never feels like it's purely in jest.

"Look, I get that he and his family are starting to consider who he'll marry, but it's not like he's actually seeing anyone yet. I'm sure you still have time," Seungmin suggests after a frustrated sigh, and you huff, falling back to the pillows and staring up at your ceiling with yet another dramatic sigh. "Maybe you just don't get it because you've never been in love. The thought of losing him to someone else is.. painful.."

It's a moment of real vulnerability at the end, the pain and fear in your voice when the last words leave your lips evident. If only you knew he does understand all too well, faced with the very same reality every single day. You deal with your pain by complaining to Seungmin in overdramatic displays, while he bottles it all up and shoves it as deep inside his heart as it can go, hoping that he won't have to acknowledge the pain again until he's alone, in the safety of his bedroom where no one can see or hear him agonize over his unrequited love.

But like Seungmin said, there's still time.. Hyunjin and his family are looking over marriage prospects together, but at the end of the day the choice is entirely Hyunjin's, and surely there's something you can do before he starts going on dates and falls in love with someone else. You shoot up quickly, the apparent clarity zapping you with an idea. "You're a genius, Minnie! I don't have to wait for him to return my feelings at all, I can do something!"

"Uh... you're welcome..?" Seungmin sits back up and looks over at you, and he instantly regrets it. You're looking at him with puppy dog eyes, lip pouty and hands clamped together in what is clearly a plea for help. He's not even sure he wants to know what you're thinking of roping him into- whatever plan it is you're crafting, nothing good can come from it. Especially not when your plot is being conjured by pure emotional need.

"Seungmin.. Be my boyfriend, please! Help me make him jealous," you plea and his eyes instantly widen, mouth hanging open in complete shock. He and Hyunjin have had to talk you out of a lot of irrational acts during their time as your friend, but this takes the fucking cake. There's no way you are asking him to do this. "You can't be serious," he says after the initial shock passes and now you scramble to the edge of the bed, pout growing as you try to convince him.

"Seungmin, please-" "Absolutely not, no," he cuts you off and the desperate, heartbroken look he's met with shatters the already microscopic pieces of his heart into even smaller pieces- a feat he didn't even think possible. It's almost impressive how you manage to break his heart without even realizing it.

"Please, you know there's no one else I can ask," you plea, now completely off the bed and just inches in front of him, clasping his hands in yours. There it is- Seungmin, the consolation prize. Seungmin, the one you turn to simply because Hyunjin isn't available. Seungmin, who gets dragged into schemes like this because he just can't live with himself if he knows you're genuinely upset.

Your puppy eyes looking at him so pleadingly paired with your soft hands desperately clutching his is enough to make him melt. He swallows, averting his gaze from your pouting lips and glassy eyes, trying to stay firm in his sentiment. "It's a bad idea," he says, voice short and impossibly tense, "what will you do if it doesn't work? If he's just like.. a good friend, and supports us being happy together?"

"But what if he doesn't? C'mon Minnie, we at least have to try!" you push on, your hands squeezing his tighter. The fact that his statement doesn't seem to deter you at all somehow makes the pain in his chest even worse. Like there's no reality in which Seungmin is the viable love interest for you, like the possibility that Hyunjin would concede your heart to him couldn't ever be reality, like the idea isn't even worth entertaining.

"I.." He hesitates as he finally looks at you again, your face still impossibly close to his, the earnest desperation for him to help you with this stupid idea making his chest feel impossibly tight. Seungmin likes to think he's good at pretending to not have feelings for you, but he doesn't think he can do it while also pretending to be your boyfriend.

How is he supposed to be so close to you and pretend it was all empty acts and words when the night is over? He'll tell you he loves you and you'll think it's part of the act, praise him for being so committed to the bit for your sake, thank him for pretending so effectively. You'll take his heart in your hands and twist and bleed and crush it, and you won't even know you're doing it. "Please?" you try once more and his resolve utterly crumbles.

It's stupid how much power you have over him. It's stupid how he can't stand firm against what is very clearly a disastrous idea. It's stupid how he's going to willingly allow his heart to be trampled upon just to make you happy. "..Fine," Seungmin finally breathes out his answer, conceding without all that much of a fight in the end.

You happily squeal and wrap your arms around him in a tight hug, thanking him over and over again. And despite himself, Seungmin smiles- because even though he's going to suffer, at least you'll be happy because of him, even if it's only for a short while. "You're the best, Minnie! I love you!" you beam, eyes crinkling with pure joy that he's going to help you.

"Yeah, yeah, you're welcome," he says as he wraps his arms around you in return. It's a mistake, but if it's for you then isn't it a mistake worth making? And he has to ignore the way his heart skipped a beat when you told him you loved him, has to remind himself that you'll never mean it in the way he wants you to, that every show of affection from this point onward will all be part of an elaborate performance.

The first rule of every fake relationship: set expectations and make a plan.

That's exactly why Seungmin finds himself visiting your room again following his foolish promise to be your pretend boyfriend. You bounce up to him in delight when he enters your room following a knock on the door, and he wishes that your excitement was genuinely for him, and not because you were going to be using him to make your shared best friend jealous.

Seungmin doesn't even believe Hyunjin will be jealous in the first place; he's never expressed having a romantic interest in you, and he thinks Hyunjin would confide in him if he did. But then again, it's not like Seungmin has ever confessed his feelings over you to Hyunjin either.. And the possibility that Hyunjin does love you, but simply never brought it up in the same way that Seungmin hasn't fills him with dread.

If this stupid plan works, and Seungmin actually helps you two come together.. he wants to think he'll be happy for you two, but who is he kidding? He'll be fucking gutted. "You look handsome today, boyfriend," you tell Seungmin happily, and he immediately freezes in place, hoping his expression is more incredulous than it is embarrassingly flushed red. What a way to be ripped out of his spiraling thoughts.

"Can you warn me next time you're about to say something stupid?" Seungmin tries to play it off as he takes his usual place on your chaise. "Sorry, just practicing," you follow up with a giggle, and he simply sighs as he watches you sit next to him. He's really gotten himself into trouble this time around, but it's too late to rescind his agreement to help your cause.

"I don't think most couples literally call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" to their faces," Seungmin says, trying to smoothly ignore the 'handsome' part of your comment. It's superficial, you don't mean it, he already knows that; best not to let his mind dwell on a false hope of you one day meaning those words. "Well duh, I already know that," you say as you roll your eyes, "I'm just getting into character!"

Ouch. You have to get into character to love him, huh? It's not like he's surprised to hear it, but it hurts all the same. "Can't be too sure with you, sheltered princess and all," he teases and you roll your eyes again. "I'm not that sheltered. And TV exists! I'll have you know romance is my favorite genre."

"Great, so you get all your knowledge on romance from TV? How promising," Seungmin continues and you shove him, though all he does in response is smile at you. "Whatever, it's not like you know what you're doing either. You've never even had a girlfriend," you say and for a moment you think Seungmin is going to shove you back, but he doesn't.

His hands rise and almost touch you, but he hesitates before ultimately lowering them back down to his lap. It's been that way since you started getting older, as if the days you'd play wrestle or sleep while hunched together or hold hands while skipping through the castle never happened. Thinking about it, he stopped doing things like that around the same time you brought up your feelings for Hyunjin.

You assume he was being considerate, trying to be hands off so Hyunjin didn't get the wrong idea, but.. You wonder why you didn't realize how much he's been keeping his distance from you and hesitating to touch you until now? (And in reality, he stopped touching you when he realized he had feelings for you, and not when you admitted you like Hyunjin, but he's never going to clarify that fact to you.)

The other day, when you clutched his hands in yours in a desperate plea, it was the first time you held hands since you were kids. That's a sad thought, for some reason.. Maybe part of you missed it more than you realized. Taking his hand in yours, you really allow yourself to experience it this time.

It's nostalgic, holding his hand; though Seungmin's hands are much bigger now than when you were kids, they feel the same. Warm, comforting, gentle.. You wonder when the last time you did this was; you almost feel bad that you can't remember. You were once holding hands every single day and then you just.. stopped. You're not sure why the thought makes you as sad as it does; probably just the natural melancholy that comes with nostalgia if you had to guess.

Seungmin awkwardly accepts your hold, looking at you curiously after he stops fidgeting his hand. "I kinda missed this," you admit, cheeks growing pink with the admission. You're not sure why saying it makes you blush- it's just Seungmin. "Me too," he responds, his own face equally as pink, though he hopes you don't notice. He looks down at your hands, fingers laced together, and his heart stirs.

Ignoring it, he looks back to you, expression nervous but entirely serious. "So uh- your plan.. what exactly is it?" he asks, surprised when you answer immediately. Guess you put a lot of thought into it; because while your answer isn't rehearsed necessarily, it is confident. "Well, you got your invitation to the ball right? That's where we'll tell Hyunjin we're dating! It's the perfect setting."

"But you literally hate going to that thing- are we really going to go just for that?" The annual Hwang family ball is much more politics than it is dancing. Seungmin can't think of a single time you all attended and actually had fun without having to sneak away or cause a scene. At best it's boring and at worst you're spending the entire night being lectured on the future of your countries and how important it is to marry the right person for political power.

"Yeah, unless you have a better idea?" You frown as you look at Seungmin. He doesn't, unfortunately. He's not even sure he'd suggest it if he did have one, to be fair. God, this is so stupid- he's stupid for agreeing to go along with this. Curse you and your ability to rope him into the worst things possible just by giving him a cute look.

And in the end, he easily accepts the plan- attend the ball, act like a lovey dovey couple, activate Hyunjin's underlying jealousy (that may not actually exist), and hopefully profit. In the meantime, you'll be "building credibility" by getting past all the awkwardness now, so that you can pass as a legit couple in front of Hyunjin when the time comes.

"You're really okay with this, right? It's okay to change your mind," you say with a compassionate squeeze to his hand. It takes Seungmin by surprise that you're actually considering his feelings- not to insinuate that you're entirely selfish or don't care about him, but you do tend to have a one track mind when it comes to your romantic feelings for Hyunjin.

You watch him carefully, his expression entirely unreadable to you. You wish you could tell what he was thinking in times like this, but he always becomes a stonewall when you bring up romance and your long harbored feelings. You know it must be for a reason, but he never tells you what it is, and you can only assume the topic of love makes him uncomfortable; and while you're grateful for his help, you don't want him to push through discomfort just for your sake.

"..Yeah, I'm good. This is fine, everything's fine," he finally says. You don't entirely believe him, but you don't press him on it- he'll just argue with you if you don't take his word for it. Stupid. You were clearly offering him an out and he just accepted his role as your emotional martyr. But who is he kidding- it's not like he would've been able to answer any differently, ever a slave to your whims.

Whether you realize it or not, you have him in the palm of your hands, and Seungmin would do anything to make you happy- even at the detriment to himself. "So.. uh, do you want to kiss me?" you transition and Seungmin has to make a conscious effort to not choke on his own spit. Because how are you asking him that so casually?

"No, you're gross," he answers; a lie, obviously, but he didn't realize this fake relationship would entail anything other than mild displays of affection and maybe the use of petnames. If he kisses you it's over for him. Completely, utterly over- he'll never be able to pretend you're just his friend ever again.

You roll your eyes as you let go of his hand, and he frowns; he misses the warmth already, but what right does he have? "You can just say no without the gross comment, asshole," you shove him again. Seungmin is always mean to you, so it's not like you weren't expecting a comment like that when you decided to bring up kissing. You might've hoped for a different reaction, but you certainly weren't expecting anything profound or romantic.

...Why were you hoping for a different reaction in the first place?

"No, that's- I'm sorry, that's not what I meant, I just-" It's almost endearing how Seungmin fumbles with his words. You blink at him, surprised to see him floundering to admit you're not actually gross to him. Poor Seungmin- being mean to you is his only defense mechanism and now it's going to bite him in the ass. No wonder you don't have feelings for him.

In reality, he thinks you're pretty. So fucking pretty. And he wants to kiss you more than he's ever wanted anything. "Force of habit," he finally says, swallowing down his true thoughts and feelings as usual. Thankfully, you accept his answer easily; he's not sure whether you truly believe him or not, but he'll take what he can get. "Have you ever kissed someone?" you decide to ask, moving swiftly along after taking his answer at face value. Thank God.

"Once," he answers, and oh, that's a surprise; you expected him to say 'no,' to be like you- with zero experience. You're best friends- why hasn't he told you..? To be fair, it's not that Seungmin kissed someone- he was the one being kissed by someone else. The distinction is very important! And he can see the question lingering before you even ask it, so he takes the initiative in answering. "It was awkward. I didn't.. feel the same way as them."

"Oh. I didn't realize there are people that like you," you say and Seungmin instantly shoots you with an incredulous look. "Ouch," he deadpans. "No, sorry- I didn't mean for that to sound so mean, I swear," you promise with an awkward laugh. At least now you're equal on the "making unintentionally hurtful comments" front.

You've thought at great length what it would be like if Hyunjin started dating someone, but you're just now realizing you never put any thought into Seungmin dating someone. You guess you just always expected that he'd be there.. you never stopped to think about what would happen if he wasn't, never even considered it a possibility that he wouldn't always be right there next to you.

And it would happen eventually, wouldn't it? And what about when you and Hyunjin are a couple; you two will have each other and Seungmin will.. well, you don't know what he'll do. But you don't like the thought of him being anymore distant. What a way to realize how selfish you're being. “Sucks that it was awkward,” you eventually say, ignoring the way guilt starts to eat at you. No surprise that the selfish princess doesn’t want to confront that issue just yet.

“Yeah.. honestly, I felt bad. I’m sure it took a lot of courage to confess and kiss me, but I,” already had feelings for you, he thinks, but obviously opts to say something else, “just didn’t feel the same.” Lord knows Seungmin will never have that same level of courage; to put yourself out there and confess only to be met firmly with rejection is terrifying. And he knows you don’t feel the same, so why even try? Being a coward suits him perfectly fine in this case. 

“Why didn’t you accept anyways? You might’ve returned the feelings after becoming a couple and growing closer to them,” you ask, earnestly curious. You think you would give someone a chance if they confessed to you if you weren’t already so in love with Hyunjin. But as far as you knew, Seungmin didn’t have feelings for anyone, so there would’ve been nothing to lose from trying. If only that were true- his life would be much easier if he wasn’t earth shatteringly in love with you. 

“Mm, maybe. But if months went by and I still didn’t, I would’ve felt scummy. Like I was stringing them along and giving them a false promise, y’know? And I don’t wanna be that guy,” Seungmin answers, keeping out the major detail of ‘I’m also impossibly in love with you and dating someone while being in love with your best friend is definitely frowned upon.’ “Wow. I think I respect you more after that,” you say and Seungmin scoffs, unable to hide the smile that breaks on his lips. “Gee, thanks. Glad to know you didn’t respect me before now.”

“Hey, I clearly said ‘respect you more!’ Meaning I did respect you, thank you very much,” you laugh. There’s a silence that follows when the giggling dies down and the smiles fade, with Seungmin looking at you carefully. Right. He’s here to be your fake boyfriend. Better get back to the quest at hand. “So.. I’m not actually gross, huh?” you ask, bringing the conversation back to where it began. “Only a little,” he teases, laughing when you grab a spare cushion to shove at him. 

“Stop being mean, I’m trying to be serious!” You whine as he tosses the cushion you shoved in his face to the floor. “Okay, okay,” Seungmin says, his expression softening as he looks at you. In reality, he thinks you’re perfect; but it’s much easier to tease and pretend you disgust him than to face how beautiful he thinks you are. But with how seriously you’re taking this entire thing, it seems he’s going to have to be more earnest with himself, and you, than he was prepared to be.

He really fucked himself over this time around.

"Theoretically.." you start, chewing on your lip before you continue, "Hypothetically-" "Those words mean the same thing," Seungmin can't help but interrupt, laughing as you shove him and tell him to 'shut the fuck up.' You hate him sometimes- fucking menace to your sanity, you swear. "Hypothetically," you continue when he's done laughing and you're sure he's ready to take you seriously, "assuming you're being honest and I'm not gross. Would you want to kiss me?"

Well. Guess there's no avoiding it now. It's time for the thing Seungmin fears most- some good, old fashioned honesty about his feelings. "Yes," is all he says; no further elaboration, no talk on whether or not this is still strictly in the realm of hypotheticals, or if he'd only be okay with it under some sort of condition being met. Just.. yes, he'd want to kiss you.. wants to kiss you. That's it.

You can’t believe how easily he conceded in the end; you wonder if another mean, teasing joke is inbound, or if he doesn’t quite get what you’re insinuating. "You know I mean on the lips right? Like.. an actual kiss?" You ask, wanting to ensure you're on the same page and he's not just thinking, like.. forehead or cheek kisses or something. All of which will still be part of this fake relationship, but still; better to make sure everything is clarified. "Yeah, I assumed that," he replies and you simply blink.

You're not sure why, but that does something to your heart. "And.. you're okay with that..?" "Yeah..? I thought we established I didn't mean it when I said you're gross. I was just teasing," he says plainly, as if the topic you're discussing is completely normal. Well, maybe that's the attitude you should have too- it's no big deal, right?

It's not that strange for two best friends to kiss, it happens all the time! And this was all your idea in the first place; you don't even understand why you feel so weird about it all of the sudden. Sure, not thinking you're gross and wanting to kiss you are two different things entirely, but you're thinking about it too hard.

Seungmin is just being a good friend to you. He's nonchalant about it because all of this is simple; it's supposed to be simple. Just one friend casually helping out another. If anything it's a relief he has no hang ups about it, right? It makes this whole thing easier! (The reality: he is not nonchalant. He is practically screaming inside over the idea of kissing you- you just don't know it.)

Blushing and heart twisting for reasons beyond your understanding, you opt to just take his hand in yours again instead, averting your eyes from him and training them off to the distance. Your bedroom walls are very interesting all of a sudden. "Maybe later," you mumble and he nods, relieved as he squeezes your hand. Yeah, maybe later. He doesn't think he's ready to fall for you even harder just yet anyways.

Weeks pass, and your fake relationship develops slowly but organically thanks to the Hwang's ball being further away still. You expected becoming "natural" in your relationship would take time, which is why you wanted to get a headstart on practicing being close. Your heart still stirs in unexpected moments, but mostly you feel comfortable, which is perfect.

Some awkwardness and shy closeness would be natural, but you can't appear stiff in front of Hyunjin if you want to pass as a genuine couple- the goal is for the relationship to look fresh, not forced. Due to this, you and Seungmin hold hands a lot these days. You like it, to be honest. It reminds you of all these thoughts and memories you hadn't lingered on in years. Of play dates and toothless smiles and laughing as you trip and tumble and grow dirty. You missed it.

You missed this too- cuddling, same as the hand holding. It's something you hadn't done since you were kids, and similarly, you couldn't remember the last time you had done it before now. You find yourself thinking it's a shame you ever stopped. You're currently laying against him, head on his shoulder while one of his arms is wrapped around your waist, legs tangled together on your obscenely large sofa while some movie you long since stopped paying attention to plays on your equally large tv.

You practiced calling each other petnames, but they all felt weird- in the end, the only thing that felt natural was sticking to calling each other stupid, idiot, asshole, brat.. And somehow hearing Seungmin call you a selfish brat before he hugs you with a smile makes your heart skip a beat these days. It doesn't make sense, but you don't let yourself dwell on it or think about it too hard- this is all for a purpose, and it's better to just leave it at that.

When you suggested trying out cuddling today, you didn’t expect your mind to go to so many complicated places. "Hey Minnie, do you remember the last time we cuddled like this?" you decide to ask him, tilting your head up to be able to catch a glimpse at him. "Yeah. We were 12," he answers easily, and you can just barely see this corner of his mouth lifted in a fond smile.

"Really?" you question and he tilts his head to look at you. He answered so quickly; no delay in the slightest, didn't even have to waste any time thinking on it or trying to remember- he just.. already knew. The instantaneous ease in which he responded surprises you as equally as it fills you with guilt.

"Of course. You don't remember?" he asks and pangs of guilt over not being able to remember yourself grow painfully. You never expected to feel so terrible over something so small. "Not really.." you answer with a frown; you wish you did, especially since Seungmin seems to have his own memory of your childhood closeness perfectly intact, but you simply.. don't remember.

"Gosh, I'm so hurt. You care for me so little," Seungmin teases, but all you can do is continue to frown. You can't bring yourself to hit him with a witty quip or joke that you hate him- because part of you worries that how inattentive you've been thus far would give rise to him one day believing your statements made to poke fun are how you truly feel. And right now you just honestly, truly feel bad.

His expression softens when he realizes you're genuinely saddened, assuming it's because he took the teasing too far by insinuating you don't care about him. In reality, it's not him you're upset with but yourself. And it stings to realize that maybe what he says isn't completely wrong- maybe you really have cared about him too little.

Maybe if you weren't so hyperfocused on love and romance with Hyunjin, you'd have realized sooner how much you put your friendship with Seungmin on the wayside. You wish you'd been a better friend. "It's to be expected actually,” Seungmin attempts to rectify his mistake in wording (though truly it's not his fault or a ‘mistake’- your guilt is your own, and all he did was unintentionally spark some much needed self reflection.) “You were sick as fuck and loaded on cough syrup."

"Oh!" You exclaim suddenly, a vague memory in the very back of your mind becoming clearer now. Just as Seungmin said, you were 12 and suffering from the worst cold you'd ever had in your entire life. You felt like you were dying and it was your own fault it happened; a blizzard had just passed, and you insisted on playing in the freshly fallen heaps of snow with your two best friends.

The lake near the castle had completely frozen over in the storm, and despite being repeatedly warned how unsafe it is to play on a frozen lake, you were just a kid who thought you were invincible. Every kid is overconfident and zealous, truly believing no harm or wrong can come to them until the world teaches them a lesson in humility- and that's exactly what happened that day.

You skated around on the frozen lake, paying no heed to any of the warnings you received, laughing and giggling without a care in the world even as you slipped and slid around on the slick surface of the ice. But eventually you fell, of course you did, it was ice- and the moment your weight collided with the surface of the lake, it cracked.

It's hard to remember what followed- all you really remember was how your whole body froze the minute it touched the icy water, as if all your limbs had become pure lead. But Seungmin was there, and Hyunjin too, and they pulled you out and got you back inside as fast as they were able. It honestly came as no surprise that you got sick following your unceremonious ice bath.

Seungmin and Hyunjin got a bit sick too, but their sniffles and slight coughs paled in comparison to your symptoms. Hyunjin's parents made him return home to shake off his cold, but Seungmin's didn't mind if he got over his slight cold with you in the castle. Even with the spark of clarity it's all still vague, but you can just remember it now- how Seungmin was glued to your side the entire rest of the week as your body tried to fight off the illness.

He was there when your attendants woke you to take your medicine, he was there when you drank your water and sipped your soup, he rubbed your back when you coughed and stroked your head when you complained that it hurt. He was.. sweet. The entire time. The usual Seungmin who teased and complained was nowhere to be seen, even when you unintentionally got snot on his shirt.

Instead, he was just sincerely caring. And he cuddled you, let you soak up all his warmth because no matter how many layers of blankets you were under and despite the constant fueling of the fire in your fireplace, you still felt so impossibly cold. "I remember now," you tell him and the smile you're met with stirs something within you.

Or maybe it's the memory of how sweet he can be when he's not being a jackass. Maybe it's how underneath his layers of teasing comments and sarcastic words, he's genuine. He remembers things, always remembers things, even when the moments are small and fleeting. And maybe it's how even when he complains or calls you a selfish brat, he'd still do anything for you.

Even now, years later, he's still just the same in that regard. Cares about you, would do anything for you, wants you happy even when your happiness causes him trouble and inconvenience. All his sarcasm and jokes at your expense will fade the minute you're genuinely unwell, he'll drop everything he's doing the minute you need him for something serious, because underneath his layers and walls he'll always be someone selfless and kind.

You sit up ever so slightly, just enough to get a clearer view of him while still tangled in his arms and legs. You breathe his name in a whisper, and his eyes dart around your face as he tries to figure out what you’re doing, what you’re thinking while looking at him so.. attentively. It makes him nervous when you look at him like that, makes him feel like you can see right through him and read his every thought, like he’s nothing but cellophane.

And you kiss him. You kiss him. Soft and chaste, your lips just barely pressed to his, but still he crumbles, his sandcastle heart caught by your wave. His weak heart pounds, his blood races through his veins, he blinks in surprise and still can't seem to find himself or formulate a thought even when you pull away. What even just happened?

"S-Sorry," you flush instantly as you turn your eyes away from Seungmin's heating face. You can't believe you just kissed your best friend like that. And like.. you fully expected to give Seungmin your first kiss as part of this whole charade, but it was supposed to be a moment that only happened after meticulous planning and mental preparation. This was undeniably, purely the heat of the moment.

"Uh, I.. it just.. felt right. For practice..?" you stumble as you try to formulate an excuse for your own unexpected actions. Yeah. It was for practice, that's all. You aren't in love with him- you love Hyunjin. What you felt when you kissed him just now was.. something else. That's what you tell yourself, because it's the only thing that makes sense.

"Oh, right. Yeah, that makes sense," Seungmin utters quietly, sounding almost.. disappointed. You look at him again, and catch just a glimpse of sadness in his eyes before it fades completely, almost as if it was never there. And maybe it wasn't- maybe you're.. projecting, somehow? Do you want Seungmin to be sad that the kiss doesn't mean more?

You don't know. It's confusing. And you hate that you don't know why it's confusing, that you don't understand where all these conflicting thoughts and feelings are coming from and what they mean. You don't want to admit it, but maybe he was right; maybe this whole thing wasn't a good idea.

He sees the struggle on your face, but there's no way for him to know that it's due to confusion about your feelings, how you liked kissing him and how you don't know what that says about you or about your feelings- for him or for Hyunjin. Instead, he worries that you hated it, that kissing him filled you with disgust and regret and now you were trying to figure out how you can ever look at him again.

But you do look at him again, of course you do. And despite the confusion and the struggle from your complex, raging emotions, you meet his eyes softly. You reach for a hand and squeeze, and once again he feels like you see right through him, see all the ugly dread and guilt and sorrow that comes from being in love with you. You see him and he sees you, and though it's confusing and clearly disastrous, neither of you want to let it go just yet.

"Do you.. want to keep practicing..?" he asks hesitantly, a hint of hope in his unsteady voice. A hope he shouldn't have, a hope he feels you will sternly reject. But you don't. You smile at him, a timid one he thought only ever reserved for Hyunjin, and you nod. "Yeah, do you?" you ask, and all Seungmin replies with is a simple "yeah" of his own before your lips are on his again.

You kiss him and he kisses you, and sometimes it's awkward as you bump noses or ever so slightly miss and instead kiss the corner of his mouth, but in the end it all becomes natural, rhythmic, easy. Butterflies thrash in your stomach, your heart races, your face burns, his lips are soft and warm and perfect, and through it all, for the first time in all your years, you stop thinking about Hyunjin, and linger exclusively on Seungmin.

Kissing Seungmin makes you feel strange. It doesn't feel bad, nor wrong, or uncomfortable; but strange because of what it evokes in you. When he left for his guest room that night, and you had more time to think about what you’d done, you came to the conclusion that the butterflies would pass now that it was over. That you only felt them because kissing, regardless of it being with your best friend, was foreign and new. You thought that as you got used to kissing him, that deceitful fluttering in your stomach would gradually fade.

You expected that kissing him would become as second nature to you as holding hands, and eventually you’d feel.. maybe not nothing when kissing him, but certainly you wouldn't still be reactive. What has actually happened is rather the opposite; your heart skips a beat when he enters your room now, you unconsciously flush whenever he holds you closer, your stomach knots itself when he smiles following a kiss. 

He smiles a lot more these days; or maybe you only perceive it that way because part of you wants it to mean something more than it does. That’s what frustrates you most of all; no matter how much you tell yourself it’s just practice, that this means nothing to either of you and is only a means to an end, you find yourself struggling to come to peace with that idea. Confusion and guilt eat at you, complex feelings and emotions you didn’t even know you had rising to the surface one after the next, protesting being ignored and making themselves acutely known. 

There’s a question that burns in the back of your mind, something you’re scared to confront but know you must before this is over- is your love for Hyunjin genuine or superficial? Do you love him the way a lover truly would, or do you love the idea of being with him? The idea that your romance would be a picture perfect fairytale, because he’s a prince and you’re a princess and those two things just naturally go together.

Perhaps your understanding of love is inherently naive and flawed; perhaps all these years spent pining, you were chasing an ideal rather than a person. But misguided though it may be, your love for Hyunjin has to be true; because apart from being one of your best friends, he’s objectively perfect for you. Seungmin is rough and jagged, while Hyunjin is polished and smooth. Though more tempered and refined than yourself, Hyunjin matches your flair for the dramatic, while Seungmin is oppositely rooted firmly in reality. Where Hyunjin is elegant words and gentle smiles, Seungmin is sarcasm and rolled eyes.

But that’s not entirely true, you know it isn’t; because while Seungmin is indeed sarcastic and mean and sometimes rough around the edges, he’s also gentle and sincere and passionate. He doesn’t show that softness within as easily as Hyunjin does, he's built up walls as he grew older for reasons that you couldn't begin to understand, but maybe that’s what makes it more special when he does let them fall, how you know he truly means it when he does something kind. His sweet smiles carry far more weight and depth than you ever stopped to realize.

“You okay? What’s up with you today?” Seungmin asks, careful but with a hint in his voice that he’s ready to tease depending on how you respond. Right. The reason you called him over today. You chew your lip as you look at him, and you know he’s been able to tell all day that something was off with you. You wanted to call this whole thing off, if you’re being honest; tell him you realized he was right, he’s always right, and this was a terrible idea that you shouldn’t have dragged him into. 

But the moment you faced him you lost all your nerve. Your mouth ran dry, the words lodged themselves in your throat, and you couldn’t bring yourself to speak them. It’s so fucking selfish, but you realized that without this fake relationship keeping you together, the distance between you would return. Once the charade is over, he’ll go back to hardly ever returning your touch, to emotional walls stacked so high you fear you could never climb them, to strained smiles and equally strained words. 

You’re not sure why Seungmin is more open these days; maybe intimacy and closeness, no matter the cause and regardless of lack of romantic intent attached to them, is enough to naturally break down a person’s barriers. You don’t even know why he has barriers, why he shields himself from you so strongly when you’re his best friend, but now that you’ve experienced him without his walls you don’t want to go back. You’re terrible and selfish and it’s hardly a justification to keep your fake relationship going, but still..

“Are you getting nervous?” he tries again; the ball is approaching quickly now, and he suspects maybe you’re off because you fear your performance as a couple won’t be good enough, that maybe you won’t be as believable as you need to be. You want to tell him he’s probably right, that it’s just nerves and you’ll get over it and everything will be fine with the moment comes, but you know that’s not all there is to it. 

It feels so stupid looking back on how excitedly you chose a new dress for the occasion, planned how you’d match with Seungmin and parade yourself on his arm and bat your eyelashes at him while calling him the sweetest names you could come up with, all so Hyunjin would look on and maybe get jealous. You didn’t listen when Seungmin warned you it was a bad idea, didn’t entertain the truth that Hyunjin would likely be a good friend and not intervene, didn’t want to acknowledge how tunnel-visioned and selfish the fairytale romance you pursued made you. 

You kissed him, held his hands, and hugged him close and cuddled him tight, and your heart ached and stomach fluttered and you ignored every blaring alarm in your brain because the ends were supposed to justify the means. And now you’re going to ruin not just one friendship, but two; because you don’t know how you’re going to face either of them when it all inevitably crashes and burns.

“I just.. aren’t I being really selfish? You told me this was stupid but I didn’t listen and now I feel like I’m taking advantage of you,” you blurt it all out, watch as his eyebrows furrow and his expression changes. You don’t quite know what he feels; regret, frustration, exasperation..? All of them would be perfectly justified. You swallow and you clench your hands into fists and you finally make a selfless decision, one you should’ve made before all these weeks passed you by and you became attached to a version of your best friend you were never supposed to have. “We should stop.” 

Seungmin looks.. almost hurt, before he lets out a laugh; you can’t tell if it’s based in self-deprecation, irony, annoyance, or something even further beyond what you can understand from him. “I agreed to this,” he says, grabbing your arm and making you look at him again when you try to turn away and avoid his gaze, “I wanted- want to help you. You know that, right? I know I can be difficult sometimes but I’d never lie about that.”

Maybe you are terribly selfish and maybe you are taking advantage of him and maybe his heart will shrivel and die the moment this ends, but he doesn’t fucking care. He can be selfish too and his selfishness makes him want to hold on for as long as he can, even if it’s fake, even if you never love him; pretending to is enough, it’s all he needs. “That’s the problem though, isn’t it? You’re so selfless and I just..” you trail off; you don’t know what more you can bring yourself to say. 

He’s difficult, he’s frustrating, and he’s mean, but he’s not cruel. You know how sweet he actually is, how much he’d sacrifice for you if you asked him too, and it’s time you stopped relying on him for stupid shit like this and dragging him into your petty, dumb, naive problems and grow up a little. Stop being the selfish princess you were raised to be and start being someone worthy of Seungmin’s unwavering friendship instead. You’d never intentionally hurt him, but the problem is you probably have- countless times that you probably aren’t even conscious of because your self reflection has come just a little too late.

You started this whole thing because the idea of losing Hyunjin made your heart ache; but the idea of losing Seungmin, that knowledge that you’ve very likely taken and hurt and been a terrible friend for years doesn’t just make your heart ache- it rips it out entirely. It’s weird, considering them both best friends but realizing how different those friendships actually worked- and how losing Seungmin as a friend is far more gutting than losing a potential lover in Hyunjin. 

And you know Seungmin would never hate you, would call you selfish or stupid or annoying but would absolutely never actually think badly of you, and that makes it all the worse. Seungmin wears a mask for you, you know it’s true even if you want to deny it; but the mask he wears is cracked, the paint is worn, and knowing it could all be your fault makes you feel impossibly anguished and sick. 

Seungmin frowns and lets you look away, though he still hesitates to let you go. He does though, eventually, and he falls to his back on your bed with a sigh. “You don’t need to worry about me, this is all fine, I’m fine,” he says but you don’t entirely trust him. He’s too stubborn and selfless to admit you’ve ever hurt him, knows it would gut you to realize what you’ve done to him and so chooses to say nothing about it at all. Because regardless of the boundary of friend and lover and where you both lie in between those words, he loves you- not that you feel you deserve it. 

This isn’t entirely your fault either- he gave in way too easily. He knew it was a bad idea and he should’ve been more stern, made you see reason even if it made you cry and pout and whine for hours on end. He knows you're selfish and spoiled and a little naive when it comes to what romance means but he didn’t do anything to genuinely shut you down- because beneath it all, he’s just as selfish as you, and he wanted to be your boyfriend for a just a little while, even if being your boyfriend meant nothing. 

His walls are down but he’s still not being completely honest, you know he isn’t. The mask is back on but the cracks have grown, exposing more of the real Seungmin beneath, and he can’t hide himself away as easily as he used to- because now you’ve seen them. The cracks, the imperfections, the instability. And you’ve taken them all in, deduced that they’re your fault, and you won’t let it go- because that’s what stubborn people like you do. You pick and you prod and you poke, until something bends or breaks and you finally get the result you want. 

But what do you want? To stop playing pretend? For Seungmin to admit that yeah, you have hurt him sometimes- not that he blames you. He knows it wasn’t ever once intentional, and he was never going to hold anything against you or leave you behind. Or maybe you want him to admit he’s in love with you, and that he’s just as fucking hopelessly in love with you as you are with Hyunjin, and that love he feels foolishly allowed for things to get way farther than they should have. 

You look at him hesitantly, the way he’s fallen onto your bed, his shirt ridden half up his stomach from the fall and the way his caramel colored hair fans out around him. He’s beautiful and despite everything you’ve just said, you want to crawl on his lap and kiss him. You try to blink the thought away, to scrub your mind clean from thoughts you shouldn’t be having. 

He sees the way your eyes linger on his lips, how you internally struggle between what you think you should and shouldn’t do, how even now you are trying to spare him when he doesn’t need to be spared. Consume him whole, eat away at him until there’s nothing left, he doesn’t fucking care- he just wants you, even if it’s temporary, even if you throw him away in the end in favor of someone better. Not if, he has to remind himself, but when- because it’s inevitable, because you’ll never love him as more than a friend.

Seungmin reaches out to you, is close to touching you, but just as he used to, he hesitates before he drops his hand. The distance returns, and that should be a good thing; it hurts, but isn’t it what’s right? You don’t.. You’re not in love with him. You can’t be- you just.. value him as a friend and don’t want to do anything to strain your friendship anymore than you already have. Everything you feel is confusing and weird and you don't know what to do with what you have now. 

What to do with your urge to be closer to him, or the way you blush when he smiles and calls you names, or how the content sighs he lets out while kissing and cuddling makes your stomach do flips. How the way he unconsciously squeezes you tighter fills you with butterflies or how the way his hands linger before you begin to separate makes you want to go crawling back to his open arms. 

And there’s the impure thoughts- the ones you’ve never even had about Hyunjin despite being in love with him. The ones you have when you see his shirt ridden up like it is now, or how those sighs when you kiss him would sound if you took things just a step further. You used to daydream about pure things like sharing a romantic dance or being given flowers on an anniversary- now your thoughts linger on things like Seungmin’s tongue in your mouth and his hand between your thighs. Things you definitely shouldn’t be daydreaming about if you’re as in love with Hyunjin as you say you are. 

You suck in a trembling breath and again try to push the thoughts you shouldn’t have away. Seungmin’s expression is contemplative and gentle, full of a care you don’t deserve. It’s no surprise he can read you like an open book, can tell you’re more upset about this than you should be. It should be a comfort that this charade is coming to an end, but all you feel is sharp, stinging guilt and unbearable pain in your chest. Your eyes burn and you feel as if you’re going to cry, but how terrible would that be? 

It would almost feel manipulative to cry in front of him now, after having put all that effort into trying to go back to normalcy. You’re so frustrated with yourself, so impossibly frustrated; you squeeze your clenched fists, your nails dig into your palms, your tears threaten to spill and you look away from Seungmin before they do. Because he’ll comfort you, and that’s not what you deserve. Obviously he knows, it’s not like you can hide it very well, but he doesn’t say anything. 

Instead, he reaches out again- and this time, he doesn’t stop himself or hesitate. The distance you’ve put between you has already closed. He pulls you down to him, makes you fall against his chest, your head winding up somewhere between his heart and his shoulder. You can still hear it from your position above it, and the steady thumping soothes you. “The ball is soon,” he says quietly, “we can.. go as planned, and then decide what will happen with us after. If you still want to stop after that, it’s okay. Just.. don’t give up too soon.” 

You can tell he’s trying to sound sure of himself, but he’s just as lost in all this as you are. And though you still feel rattled with guilt and uncertainty, you nod. You trust Seungmin, and you may as well see this fake relationship through to the end- and the Hwang ball is where you meet that end, one way or another. “Okay..” you mumble, chest tight and stomach knotted with guilt, but you do your best not to spiral again, to trust Seungmin’s word when he says you haven’t done wrong by him. 

He calls your name and you look up at him expectantly. His mouth opens, he goes to speak, but whatever he wants to say is swallowed back down, and is instead replaced with something more familiar. “You’re.. really annoying,” he whispers before he kisses you, and there’s a relief that spreads through your veins. “Asshole,” you whisper back and you feel him smile, the comfortable normalcy returning even in this situation that is anything but normal. 

You’re both stupid and stubborn and there’s no way this ends without someone having a broken heart, but for now it’s okay. For now, it’s all Seungmin needs; to be close to you and touch you and hold you and know that you were his, for however brief and false a time it may have been.

“Do you think we should share a guest room to make this more believable?” you mumble while walking through the halls of the Hwang Castle, hand intertwined with Seungmin’s while he carries both his luggage and your own. Hyunjin obviously prepared your rooms separately as you haven’t announced your relationship to him yet- not that it’s going to last much longer anyways. Whether you end up with Hyunjin by night's end or not, your fake relationship with Seungmin can’t proceed beyond this. 

“I dunno,” Seungmin replies, though your question was more absentminded musing than a genuine question you were expecting to have answered by him. “Maybe? Technically speaking, we’ve been “dating” for a couple months now. It’d probably be normal.” You hum and contemplate his answer for a moment before you look at Seungmin with a smile. “Let’s share my room then! Hyunjin always gives me the biggest room available.” 

“I fucking knew it,” Seungmin says in faux-exasperation as you giggle. He always felt like his guest rooms were smaller than yours; and he doesn't actually care, but it's fun to act like it bothers him, and it's even better to hear you laugh. “Spoiled brat. Still need luxury even when you’re in someone else’s place, huh?”

“Naturally. What kind of princess would I be if I didn’t get the best of everything?” He rolls his eyes despite the way a smile tugs on his lips and a laugh threatens to break. You turn a hall, and finally your guest rooms begin to come into sight- you've been to Hyunjin's place enough to know the layout, but it still doesn't make getting to the guest hall any less of a trek.

Seungmin unlinks your hands when you approach the double doors of the castle's best guest room, fumbling in his pocket for the keys you were given for just a moment before he finds the right one. He unlocks the door, walks inside with you and sets your luggage down in the corner of the room before turning to look at you. “You sure you want me to stay? I don’t mind going to my own room,” Seungmin offers and you quickly shake your head- maybe a little too quickly, but you won’t acknowledge how eager for him to stay you seem. 

“Well, I’ll probably need help getting ready,” you say; an excuse, sure, but it’s reasonable at least. But what about after that? When the ball is over and so too is your act, regardless of whether you get results with Hyunjin or not- would Seungmin still stay? Would you want him to stay? You think you would; you don’t know what that means or what it says about you, but it’s honestly what you’d want.

“If you’re sure, don’t mind if I make myself comfortable then,” Seungmin says as he flops himself on the extravagant guest bed. There’s still a couple of hours until the ball, and since he won’t take nearly as long getting ready as you, he decides it’s a good idea to get in a short nap. Traveling always makes him tired, after all- especially when he’s going from your castle all the way to Hyunjin’s. He yawns and stretches out before he closes his eyes, and your eyes linger on him fondly for a moment before you turn to where Seungmin set your luggage. 

You rummage through your bags for everything you need to get ready; toiletries, makeup, your dress- you collect them all in your arms and carry them to the attached bathroom. You spend a fair amount of time in the shower, going over every skincare step meticulously and making sure you’re as soft as can be- not that it matters, really, since nothing is going to happen but.. You feel more confident in yourself after going through the motions. You’re careful and methodical in the application of your makeup too; you can’t rush if you want to look perfect.

You hold your dress up to your body and imagine briefly how you’ll look in it while standing in front of the large, ornate mirror. That’s the downside to ordering online- you have no idea how the dress will actually fit you, but you hope you’ll look nice. Nerves hit you again as you look at yourself, but you swallow them down the best you can as you lie the dress on the sink counter. You don’t know what you’re hoping for tonight anymore- whether you want Hyunjin to see you with Seungmin and get jealous, or if you want him to think you are a sweet couple and support you sincerely. 

It doesn’t matter either way; nothing about this is genuine. And you’re not sure if you can be happy with yourself if Hyunjin is jealous and realizes he likes you over a lie. But you’ve come this far, you’re already here and Seungmin has reassured you over and over again that this is something he thinks you should see through, so.. That’s all you have left to do. Just see it through until the end. 

Getting your underwear on, and then carefully slipping on your dress- here is where you need Seungmin’s help. It’s near impossible for you to pull up the zipper that lies along the spine of your dress, even if you stretch and reach behind you as far as your arm can go. Holding a hand to your chest so that the dress doesn’t slip back down your body, you carefully open the bathroom door and peek outside into the main room.

You weren’t sure if Seungmin really fell asleep after you’d left him alone in the room, but peeking out now, you can tell that he has. He’s in the same position on the bed as when you left him, his eyes serenely closed and breathing steady. You call his name, but he doesn’t react; so you try once more, raising your voice this time, but you’re still met with nothing in response. You step out of the bathroom and up to the bed cautiously, and you make one last effort to wake him by calling his name just in case.

It doesn’t work, of course; you didn’t really think it would anyways if you’re being honest, but it didn’t hurt to try. You cautiously reach out to his shoulder, and do your best to rouse him awake while still holding your dress up with your other hand. Seungmin slowly blinks awake, mumbling something you can’t decipher as his senses slowly return to reality one by one.

He blinks a few times more, processing the sight before him; you leaning towards him, your dress loosely covering your body with the support of the hand not placed on his shoulder. He refuses to let his eyes linger on the image of your barely concealed cleavage before him, instead putting all of his effort into looking back up to your face. "Need my help now?" he correctly assumes, and you nod as you straighten back up.

Seungmin sits up from the bed, watches you as you turn to return to the bathroom, expecting him to follow. He does his best to ignore what the sight of your exposed skin does to him; the only reason he has this view is because you trust him and view him as a best friend- he really can't afford to be having any impure thoughts about you. (A little late for that in all honesty, but he'll atone for it later.)

The door is wide open, but he knocks on the doorframe to announce himself before he steps through- a sign of respect and decency. "Thanks," you smile at him briefly as he steps inside the bathroom and takes his place behind you. "I can't zip it up on my own," you explain, and yeah, he can see that clearly; the bottom of the zipper lies on your tailbone, your panties ever so slightly peeking in the v-shape the zipper creates with the two sides of your dress.

He swallows and pretends he doesn't notice, instead looking to where the zipper ends just around your shoulder blades. “Do you think Hyunjin will think I look good?” you can’t help but ask as Seungmin’s hand falls to your zipper, slowly pulling it up. It gives you goosebumps- not the cold zipper on your skin, but the way his hand feels just over your spine, running along it as he zips up your dress.

You're not sure what reply you hope to hear; maybe it's a question with no right answer. “If he’s smart, he will,” Seungmin answers; he’d have to be an idiot not to. “You’re beautiful." You flush as you look at him in the mirror, standing behind you but not at all obscured thanks to your smaller frame. 

You know he means it- he teases and he pretends, but he’d never lie about something like that. You already know that to be true; he’s said it himself- that the thing’s he says with a serious tone are the things he really means. He’s not looking at you, his eyes fixed on your back until he’s finished with the zipper, ignoring the way the hooks of your bra stare back at him until your dress closes and they are obscured from his sight, the way they should be.

He finally meets your gaze again when he’s done, meeting your eyes through the reflection of the mirror. Your face feels impossibly hot, and you hope he thinks the pink on your face is from the makeup you applied as opposed to the real blush it is. You still have things to do- put on your accessories, fix-up and style your hair, put on your prettiest pair of heels, but even without all that flashy glamor added on, Seungmin already thinks you’re radiant as can be.

Though he’s done with the zipper, his hand hasn’t left your back yet, and neither of you have broken the gaze you keep in the mirror. There’s a moment where you think he’ll turn you around and kiss you, or that you’ll kiss him; and truly, he wants to, but he shouldn’t. This night is supposed to be about you and Hyunjin, and you don’t need the ‘practice’ anymore- it was only ever an excuse to begin with. 

He clears his throat as he lets you go, and you turn your gaze away from the mirror, swallowing down all your feelings and nerves as you rummage through your bag for the accessories you brought with you. “It won’t take me much longer to get ready,” you say as you continue to rummage through your bag- you found what you need, but taking it out means having to meet Seungmin’s gaze, and you’re not ready to do that again just yet.

“Right, I should get ready too,” Seungmin mumbles mostly to himself as he turns to leave. You don’t look up from your bag, even as he lingers in the doorway. You can tell he stopped to look at you, you can feel his eyes observing you, but still you don’t glance up at him. “Yeah, not much time left ‘til we gotta go,” you say, and he responds with a simple, quiet ‘yeah’ before he fully walks out into the main room. 

There’s a sense of dread that lingers- both of you having a similar feeling weighing on your hearts, while ironically thinking you feel it all by yourself, that the other person doesn’t possibly feel the same way. A situation that would easily be mended by communication, but the gap between what you perceive to be true, and the real truth is not so easily crossed. The metaphoric rope that connects you and Seungmin together is frayed, and you worry that an uncomfortable conversation will cause that connection to completely snap. 

So you swallow your feelings once more, you put on your earrings and style your hair, and you realign your focus. You can’t keep thinking about what your affection for Seungmin means or why the thought of this ending tonight weighs on you so heavily. You’re close to getting what you’ve been working for, and that should be where your thoughts linger- on Hyunjin. The best friend you’ve always thought you had feelings for, the one you believed yourself to be in love with. 

Stepping inside the ballroom with Seungmin is utterly nerve wracking; it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for, the moment that 3 months of fake relationship practice were leading up to. This is where you show your best performance, where you parade around on Seungmin’s arm and look at him with the best heart eyes you can muster. Not that it’s a hard task, these days- you find yourself doing it without even thinking about it. 

You.. like him, if you had to guess. But do you like him more than you thought you liked Hyunjin? You guess that’s the answer you’re really trying to find tonight. You never thought it’s where you’d be today when you first conjured up this plan, there was no way to anticipate how much your newfound closeness with Seungmin would affect the feelings you thought you were so sure of. 

It’s natural to be confused, isn’t it? Surely anyone would be in this scenario; you can’t kiss and hug and cuddle someone for so long and feel nothing, right? And it’s your own fault, you can’t blame anyone but yourself for the predicament you’ve found yourself in. You reap what you sow, as your grandmother likes to say. “Don’t be so on edge, everything’ll work out,” Seungmin leans to whisper in your ear. 

You’ve been so tense ever since you left the guest room together- half nervous to see Hyunjin again after months and half ‘oh my god why does Seungmin look so good tonight.’ As if it wasn’t enough that you were confused about your feelings, Seungmin had to come out looking so devastatingly handsome in his perfectly tailored suit and neatly slicked hair. “Yeah, you’re right, sorry,” you respond and he shakes his head, offers a reassuring smile before he looks around the room.

“He’s around here somewhere, we’ll see him soon enough,” Seungmin says as his eyes continue to scan the packed ballroom. Oh, that makes sense- he thinks you’re tense because you haven’t run into Hyunjin yet. If things were the same as a few months ago, you think that may have been true. Now.. you’re not really sure what’s true. Hyunjin will see you as a couple and he’ll either silently rage with envy or beam with joy for his two best friends- and you don’t know which outcome is the one you want anymore. 

“Oh, I think I see him,” Seungmin mutters to you, and discreetly points in the direction he thinks he’s found your other best friend. You see him now too, standing near the balconies looking bored out of his mind, champagne glass in hand. He’s not looking at anything in particular, just vaguely observing his surroundings while occasionally sipping from his drink- probably hoping you two will show up soon and save him from his boredom. 

You take a breath, wrap your arms around Seungmin's own arm and squeeze it close to your chest. “Now or never,” you mutter and he nods, steeling himself for the penultimate moment just as do. “Hyunjin!” you call from across the hall, dragging Seungmin along with you as you half-sprint up to him, your designer heels loudly clanking on the marble floor. Hyunjin returns your smile when he spots you, and laughs when he sees Seungmin practicly scowling as he’s dragged along- it’s classic, really; you always do things like this to them. Just strong arm them along everywhere you want to go, through everything you want to do. 

“Hey! I’m glad you both made it, it’s been forever,” Hyunjin smiles as you complete your approach. He feels bad he hasn’t seen either of his best friends in months, but royal duties and all.. It kept him very unfortunately occupied. He looks at you both inquisitively when you don’t let go of Seungmin’s arm or untangle yourself from him- normally you would have by now, having reached the destination you wanted to drag him to. It’s.. curious, to say the least. 

Your hand goes from being wrapped around Seungmin and holding his arm, to intertwining your fingers as you hold his hand. Hyunjin raises a brow, but says nothing- he’ll wait for one of you to clear up what he’s thinking. “Mhm, we’ve been waiting to see you in person to tell you something important!” you say as you squeeze Seungmin’s hand, shooting him your best lovey dovey look before you bring your gaze back to Hyunjin. 

Seungmin wants to sigh and roll his eyes and call you dumb for looking at him like that, but he bites his tongue. It’s the last time you’ll ever shoot him with that look of pure puppy love, and it’s best not to ruin it by defaulting to his usual personality; cherish it while you have it, as they say. “Well spit it out then, don’t keep me on the edge of my seat,” Hyunjin’s smile grows, looking between the two of you with eager anticipation to hear the confession that lingers on your tongue. 

Hyunjin’s positive reaction deters you a little; surely he can see that you’re clinging to Seungmin to an unusual degree, but he doesn’t seem to react to it negatively at all- not even minutely. There’s no subtle furrow of the brow, no flash of sadness in his eyes that gets replaced by forced happiness, no twitch in his hands from jealousy or frustration. Seungmin was right, as always- Hyunjin is just going to be a good friend. He won’t have a single negative thing to say. 

“W-Well, we.. uh-” you stumble on your words, and curse yourself for floundering at the most pivotal moment. This is what everything you’ve done has been leading up to, you can’t falter now.. and yet, you are. You look at Seungmin and your grip on his hand tightens, panic unwittingly settling in as a lump forms in your throat. He flashes you a look of sympathy, squeezes your hand in a subtle show of comfort, before he turns away from your gaze to look at Hyunjin. 

He doesn’t like it, but he’ll take the lead from here- for your sake. “We’re dating,” he says as confidently and smoothly as he can bring himself to. He lets go of your hand and wraps his arm around your waist, pulls you closer for added effect, sincerely tries his best to spark the jealousy he knew you wanted to see. But Hyunjin doesn’t look jealous, or sad, or even angry. He just looks.. happy. 

“Gosh, finally! Congrats! I always knew you two would end up together,” Hyunjin grins and gives Seungmin a friendly pat on the shoulder. You blink as you stare between them. Huh..? Finally? What does that mean? Even Seungmin is taken aback, and mirrors what you were internally thinking. Unlike you, his utterly shocked ‘huh?’ comes out verbally. “Yeah, I always saw the way you were looking at her, Minnie. You were so obvious, I knew it was only a matter of time,” Hyunjin says with enthusiastic joy that sends you completely off kilter.

What the fuck. You feel like your entire world has been flipped upside down. What does he mean he always saw the way Seungmin looked at you? How did he look at you..? How does he look at you? Hyunjin’s puzzled now as he looks between you both; you look like your entire sense of reality has been shifted, while Seungmin looks positively mortified. “Sorry, uh- did he not mention that when he confessed?” Hyunjin asks, and then shit- maybe you were the one who confessed.

Seungmin is stubborn and aloof in his cool persona, he's the type to avoid saying what he really thinks by using teasing words, will only look at you softly when he thinks no one else is looking his way.. Hyunjin can easily imagine that he has yet to admit the true depth of his secret pining, or confessed how much he actually likes you. He feels bad for outing Seungmin if that’s the case. 

“My bad, I assumed you knew since you’re dating now and all,” he laughs a bit awkwardly while shooting Seungmin a sympathetic look. One that’s meant to say ‘sorry for blowing your stubborn, cool-guy persona.’ It’s just.. Hyunjin thought it was as obvious to you as it was to him. The way his hard expression would soften the minute you smiled at him, how he’d laugh when you’d banter back after he said something teasing and mean, how his eyes would always linger on even if there were countless other people in the room.. Wasn’t it obvious he liked you this entire time? 

“I guess I’m just surprised to hear you call it out,” you try to recover from the blatant shock, play it off as something different than it is- as if you knew all along, and you’re just surprised that Hyunjin knew too. Hyunjin chuckles a little, looking a bit more relieved after your statement. “Sorry if I ruined the illusion of Seungmin being the cool, aloof type. He’s actually a big softie, but I guess you’ve realized that by now,” he smiles. 

“Yeah I, uh- I’ve realized that,” you smile back, a bit tensely, but a smile nonetheless, “That’s what I like about him.” Seungmin, still trying to recover from his own world being flipped upside down, finally looks at you again. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to recover from this wildly unexpected turn in the conversation. Still realizing he has his hand on your waist, and unsure where you now stand and whether or not this is appropriate or okay anymore, he hesitantly lets you go. 

You hold his hand when he does, but it doesn’t feel like solace or consolation the way it normally would. Not hollow, or empty, but just.. not full of the same warmth it normally carries. He’s so impossibly anxious and scared- that you’re furious with him, that you’ll cut him off when the night is over, that you’ll accuse him of sabotaging this whole thing by agreeing to be your pretend boyfriend when he had very real feelings for you. 

In reality you just feel terrible about yourself and what you’ve caused. You already felt bad before the night began, and now you feel even worse- you never would’ve asked Seungmin to do this if you'd known he had feelings for you. And now his feelings were called out in the worst way possible, and you don’t think you’ll ever scrub how mortified Seungmin looked in that moment from your memory. And it was entirely your fault. 

He should’ve been allowed the chance to tell you on his own terms, and you ruined that chance. You probably also ruined any chance at having a normal relationship with him if you wanted one- because how do you recover from the humiliation of being called out on something you thought was a well guarded secret, right in front of the very person that secret was about. This entire time, he’s liked you, maybe even loved you, and you undeniably hurt him. 

He tried to deter you, he told you this wouldn’t work and he tried to resist but you pressed and pushed and prodded until he gave in. And while you could argue some of his acts were not entirely selfless, as you’re sure he must’ve enjoyed kissing you and being close to you knowing what you do now, how could you blame him for indulging in a love with someone he wanted to be with while expecting, believing, knowing, it would come to an end when you got what you wanted. 

All those years you spent pining over Hyunjin, Seungmin spent them pining over you, and he just listened, he took it in, and he never stopped supporting you, not even once. Even tonight, when it was probably breaking his heart to do so, he tried his best to reassure you, he tried to make Hyunjin jealous on your behalf.. And he complained, sure he did, but it was more part of the usual banter between you two than jealousy or hurt. At least, that’s what you always thought it was.. You never imagined there’d be anything more hiding beneath the surface. 

You should’ve known, though. It should’ve been obvious- how can you call yourself Seungmin’s best friend and not have realized? And it’s not that you missed the signs because you were willfully ignorant, but you were so tunnel-visioned, selfish, and absorbed that you never stopped to notice any of the changes. It wasn’t even until recently that you realized how much a wall he’d put up, how much he’d forced distance between you..

It makes sense, in hindsight; that it wasn’t for your sake that he stopped doing certain things and acting certain ways, but his own. While you were watching Hyunjin like a hawk for any sign that he might like you, you missed all the signs Seungmin left. You never noticed a single thing, and being reminded of how selfishly you’d spent the teenage years of your friendship makes your heart ache terribly.

“Hey uh, sorry to cut this short but.. I think Seungmin’s feeling embarrassed. Might be in need of a reset, y’know?” you say, trying to come across as a happy girlfriend stealing the chance to tease her boyfriend while also still having his best interest at heart. You look at Seungmin, try to offer him reassurance despite the situation, but he doesn’t look back at you. He’s facing Hyunjin, but he doesn’t look at him either, not really. It feels like he’s far away, somewhere distant that you can’t reach, busy reconstructing all the walls he’d let fall away, trying to build them back up as high as he can in preparation for the heartbreak he’s soon to face. 

“Of course,” Hyunjin smiles, giving his full blessing, “just come find me again later! I’d rather be a third wheel with you two lovebirds than listen to my father drone on about tax management again.” You giggle a bit and nod, waving him goodbye and forcing Seungmin out of his haze by dragging him away with you. You glance around as you push through the crowd for a private space to talk- your guest room is much too far away and the tension while going back would likely be too much for either of you to bear; better to find somewhere nearby to have this conversation. 

You fail to make it to a room after exiting the ballroom; Seungmin stops in the middle of the hallway, preventing you from dragging him along, and you’re forced to let him go and turn around to look at him. He’s pained and lost but he tries to bring himself back to the aloof persona he once had mastered, to not show how hurt and afraid he is right now. But the cracked mask that is his cool facade has splintered irreparably, and you can only see him for who he really is now. 

“Sorry it didn’t work out how you wanted. Sucks, and I know you must be hurt, but don’t give up, you can still try again, maybe there’s something else you haven’t thought of yet, you can-” Seungmin speaks in a quick ramble, not even acknowledging the massive elephant in the room- his feelings for you. “Seungmin,” you cut him off with a frown, and he’s hesitant to meet your gaze; he doesn’t know what he’ll be met with, and try as he might to reconstruct himself back to the person he was before this whole thing started, he knows deep down it’d be in vain. 

Your friendship has been irrevocably changed, and to pretend otherwise would be futile. Still, he can’t stop himself from trying- it’s all he can think to do. “You have feelings for me,” you state it plainly, and Seungmin swallows but says nothing. Doesn’t confirm, nor deny, because both options seem fucking terrible if he’s honest. Denying it is pointless and would just be a blatant lie, and confirming, making it clear that he agreed to be your fake boyfriend despite his feelings for you.. He doesn’t know how that makes him look.

In Seungmin’s head, you’ll either view him as pathetic or as a saboteur, and neither is ideal. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? If I’d known I’d never have..” He scoffs at your sentiment and looks at you incredulously. “And why would I have? You’ve been obsessed with Hyunjin for years. And I’m supposed to tell you how I feel? Be serious, Y/N, there’s no way I could’ve ever told you. And even if I had, you would’ve rejected me, so what would’ve been the point?” 

“I-” you want to say that’s not true, that you wouldn’t have rejected him or broken his heart, but who are you kidding? It absolutely fucking is. It hurts to hear it this way, but he isn’t wrong about any of it. Still, just because he’s right, that doesn’t mean you’re entirely wrong either. Even if you’d have rejected him, surely he still should’ve been honest with you? You’d never have done this if you’d known. 

You made mistakes, but so did he.. right? You know you've been selfish for way too long, but you're not the kind of person to intentionally hurt a friend. You never would've dragged Seungmin through the mud just to get what you want, and the fact that he hid his feelings and allowed himself to be hurt just to make you happy.. That's not the kind of thing you want him to do.

Your friendship shouldn't be built on Seungmin's self-sacrifice, he shouldn't allow himself to be second place just to make you and Hyunjin happy. To be selfless is a virtue, but too much can leave him with nothing, and that's been your concern since the day you realized how selfish you've been. You realized that Seungmin will give, and give, and give, and he'll never ask you for anything in return. But that’s not what friendship and love should be built upon. Surely he understands that you never wanted this- for your best friend to offer himself up as your emotional martyr.

And with the confusion of your feelings compounding on it, the realization that maybe it’s Seungmin who you love while your infatuation with Hyunjin was hardly more than a fairytale childhood crush- how are you supposed to live with yourself after causing unspeakable heartache to him? And would he even believe you if you told him that you love him? You don’t even know if you can believe yourself.

He sees how hurt you are, the confusion and the guilt and the sorrow, and the anger that grew within him instantly deflates. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped you, I just- I need to be alone,” Seungmin mutters his apology and walks briskly past you, towards the direction of the guest hall.

You call to him, but he doesn’t stop or turn around, and you don’t follow. You want to, but you know you should respect that he needs time to himself; he has a lot to process, as you’re sure you do too. You owe it to him, yourself, and even Hyunjin, to sort out your feelings too.

Seungmin didn't see you or Hyunjin again that night, couldn't bring himself to keep playing the pretend boyfriend after every thing that happened. He went to your guest room for his stuff, isolated himself in his own room for the remainder of the evening, leaving the door to your room unlocked and the key resting on the desk so you could get in and out without having to speak with him.

He felt bad about it, but he just couldn't face you again; it was too difficult. Apparently, you returned to the ballroom alone and told Hyunjin the truth. Seungmin knows because he woke up in the middle of the night to countless texts from Hyunjin- apologizing, saying he didn't know, offering his condolences and to be there for him. It fucking sucked, made him feel like even more of a pathetic loser.

You told Hyunjin the truth because it felt like the right thing to do following what happened; he would've known eventually anyways, so it felt better to rip the band-aid off right away. And you confessed a lot more than just that; you told Hyunjin everything. About how this whole thing started, about your confusion on how you felt now, about how terribly your heart ached after realizing how much damage you'd caused.

Hyunjin offered you his shoulder to cry on, hugged you and apologized even though he didn’t need to, and ironically, that’s partly what gave you the answer you were looking for. Because your heart didn’t pound when he hugged you, you didn’t get butterflies when he wiped your tears, your face didn’t flush when offered his hand for support. It was so platonic- and the only time you smiled was when he said he was sure Seungmin would forgive you and everything will work out.

It’s over a day when Seungmin finally sees you again; you have to pass through his city to get to yours, and so it always made sense to leave Hyunjin’s castle together when traveling home. The ride is tense and awkward, to say the least. You can’t bring yourself to say a word and neither can he, the two of you only taking peeks at each other when you’re sure the other isn’t looking. Seungmin stares out the window and you stare at your hands resting in your lap, while your driver compensates for the unusual atmosphere by turning up the radio.

Approaching Seungmin’s estate makes you indescribably emotional. A lump forms in your throat when the door is opened for him and he exits the car, you clench your fists and try to swallow down the intense emotion when the door closes and you watch him begin to walk away. It doesn’t feel right, none of this feels right. You’re worried that if you don’t talk now, then you never will; that the damage will be irreparable if you let the distance grow and feelings fester. You need to talk to Seungmin, and you need to do it now. 

You hastily unbuckle your seatbelt and open the car door, running out to chase after Seungmin and not stopping even as your driver calls to you from behind. Seungmin, who is almost to his front door, turns around when he hears the commotion, and is surprised to see you quickly approaching him. “What are you doing..?” he can’t help but ask; really though, he shouldn’t be surprised. You always do things like this, and once you’ve made a decision to do something, you’ll stubbornly stick to that decision ‘til the end. You’ve decided you’re going to talk to him, and he knows there’ll be no getting out of it.

“We need to talk,” you assert yourself clearly, even go as far as to step past him and into his house before he can. What a brat; he almost smiles from how familiar it is. The guards who were holding the door open for Seungmin look a little puzzled, but they make no comment- it’s not their place to do so. Seungmin doesn’t see you when he steps inside, but it’s easy enough to guess where you went. 

And he finds you exactly where he expected to, waiting for him right outside his bedroom door. Now or never, he thinks as he unlocks it, offering for you to step inside first. You do just that, waiting until follows behind and closes the door to speak. “What are we now? Friends? More than friends? ..Neither?” you cut straight to the chase, leaving no room for awkward and unnecessary pre-emptive small talk. “I don’t know. Isn’t that up to you?” Seungmin says, stepping past you to sit on his bed. 

You frown as you watch him, but stay firm. “It shouldn’t be entirely up to me. What do you want?” “Does it matter what I want?” Seungmin cuts back. It’s a bit harsh, but he’s still trying to defend against his heart getting torn to shreds; you can’t entirely blame him. “Of course it matters,” you tell him, voice soft with pain. “Sorry,” he mumbles again, sighing as he flops back and stares at the ceiling. He knows he needs to stop snapping at you, his pain isn’t all in your hands. It takes two to tango, and he did more than his fair share of leading the dance. 

Honesty scares him. Raw emotion scares him. Telling you how he’s always felt about you scares him, and telling you what he hopes you’ll be scares him. But that fear has always been a hindrance, and he needs to stop being shackled by it; especially when you’re trying so hard to hear what he really has to say. “I’ve always liked you, for years I’ve liked you. But you.. I didn’t think there was anything I could do. So I just.. didn't do anything.” 

You sit down next to him, looking down at him as you do, and he in turn moves his gaze towards you. You can see the apprehension in his eyes, and maybe it’s presumptuous of you to do so, but you lay your hand over his in an effort to reassure him. He looks a bit surprised, but he accepts it, and rotates his hand around so you can hold it properly. “I try not to, but even now I still want to be with you,” he admits, and it’s not easy for him to do, but he can’t shove down how he feels anymore- not if he wants a chance with you. 

“So I didn’t ruin what we have?” you ask and Seungmin quickly sits up, squeezing your hand as he does. “Of course not, I mean- I was.. upset and I took it out on you, but.. You could never ruin anything,” he says, emphasizing the point by moving closer to you; and it makes you feel warm and happy. Because he’s bridging the gap on his own, willingly putting his walls back down, leaving the mask off.

“I'm so sorry for everything, I really am. And it's okay if you don't want to, but can we go back to what we were before? Well- not before before, but like- when you were my fake boyfriend. But not fake this time either, I want you to be my real boyfriend, and-” You’re rambling, you know, but you’re just trying to be clear, you just don’t want to mess this up again, so-

“Shut up already, idiot,” Seungmin says, an affectionate smile and lilt in his voice before he’s pressing his lips to yours to stop your rambling himself. “Don’t be an asshole when I’m pouring my heart out,” you complain, smiling despite yourself. “I thought you wanted to go back to before though?” he says with a grin, and you roll your eyes and shove him, mumbling ‘I hate you’ while he chuckles. And it feels good. It feels like everything you’ve been missing and everything you needed. No tension, no dread, no fear- the way it should have always been.

You kiss him first this time, and he pulls you in closer, lets you crawl your way into his lap the way you’ve wanted to for weeks at this point (not that he’s even aware how much you’ve fantasized about it- at least, you hope he hasn’t.) “I missed you,” you breathe as you settle on his lap, and he pulls away, looks up at you with the smug smile that tells you a smartass comment is going to follow. “We were only apart for like, a day,” he can’t help himself from saying, laughing softly when you pout and whine. 

“I know that! But it was the most miserable day of my life, I’ll have you know,” you huff, pout growing as you turn your face away and cross your arms. Seungmin’s expression softens, and he reaches out to your face, rests his hand on your cheek and urges you to look at him again. He understands, he really does; it was just as miserable for him. So many doubts and fears wreaking havoc on his brain and making him assume the worst had still yet to come. “I missed you too,” he mumbles softly, earnestly and a bit shy. 

Seungmin isn’t used to vulnerability and honesty, but he’ll get used to it for you. He’ll learn to tell you over and over again how much he loves you if that’s what you need. And the dynamic you have is fun; you like the banter, the teasing, and how much affection lies beneath the surface of his spoken words. You don’t expect him to completely change, nor do you want him to; but he can stand to be a little more open with his feelings. Just a little.

"Got you to admit it," you smile, and he scoffs when he realizes he's been duped. He calls you a brat, lovingly and affectionately, before he’s kissing you again. You push him backwards onto the bed, gentle but still assertive, continuing to kiss him while his hands find purchase on your hips. He lets out that little sigh as you kiss him- the one that always drives you crazy and makes your stomach do flips.

You used to feel guilt over what that noise caused you to think, the way it caused your body to react and where it led your mind to wander. You wonder if it’s okay now; to allow your mind to go there, if Seungmin would be okay with going further than you’ve gone before- kissing new spots, touching new places, experiencing new sensations. You wonder if he’s thought about it as much as you have, and if guilt made him swallow it down when he did, same as you. 

In the few months of your fake relationship, despite all that practiced closeness and kissing, you never made out- you’ve gotten close, hands starting to roam slightly too close to an intimate place, tongues just seconds away from passing parted lips, but one of you would always stop when you realized you were about to get carried away. And he’d gotten hard more than once, but you always pretended not to notice, acting like you didn’t feel it pressing into your thigh while your legs were tangled together. 

Acknowledging it would’ve meant confronting feelings you weren’t ready to at the time, and there was always the possibility it meant nothing, that it was just a physical reaction independent of his brain and how he felt about you. But now that you know all that you do, you hope it means he’s always wanted more with you.. And you have to admit, the self restraint it’d take not to act on his desires makes him all the more appealing. What can you say except consent is key, and knowing he has self control even when he wants you bad is sexy.

He does it again- that unconscious squeeze of your hips the more you kiss him, and you wonder what exactly it stems from; a desire to have you as close as possible, a way to ground himself as he gets worked up, or maybe even both. You hope it's both. You pull away from his kiss, sitting up and staring down at him, your hands lingering on his chest. “I want to ask you something,” you speak softly, voice almost a whisper, face growing impossibly hot. “And don’t give me a smartass reply, or I’m leaving!” You follow up sternly, and Seungmin chuckles, grabs one of the hands you have resting on his chest, and intertwines your fingers. 

“I won’t, promise,” he says, not a hint of teasing in his voice or his smile. As fun as it is to tease you and poke fun, he can tell when the moment calls for him to be earnest and take you seriously. You breathe a sigh of relief, or maybe you’re letting out a breath to ground yourself before you speak; either way, Seungmin watches you attentively, a bit puzzled but entirely patient. “Do you.. Did you ever think about, uh- doing more when we were kissing..?” you ask, nervously chewing on your lip as you wait for him to respond.

“Oh,” Seungmin blinks, his own face growing hot alongside yours. He promised he’d give an honest, serious answer, but even if he didn’t, he doubts he would’ve been able to play it off. Looking into your eyes while he tries to admit it makes the words lodge in his throat, so he turns his head and looks away, the hot red of his blush burning all the way to the tips of his ears. Same as when he admitted he wanted to kiss you, all he says is “yes.” No elaboration, no ifs, whens, or buts; just yes. And that’s all he needs to say, really. It speaks for itself.

He hesitates to look back at you and see your reaction, but the moment he does turn his head, you’re kissing him again, more eager and impassioned than you ever have before, the noise of surprise he lets out muffled by your lips. Your tongue peeks out, just barely brushes over his own, almost cautiousm and an involuntary noise of approval escapes you when you feel his tongue slip past his lips to meet yours.

You separate your hand from Seungmin’s, and he brings his hand back to your hip while yours returns to his chest. You open your mouth for him, invite his tongue further in, and he squeezes your hips once more when you do. The feeling of his tongue sliding against yours is dizzying, makes your stomach fill to the brim with butterflies, excitement building in your gut in ways you’ve never experienced. 

You feel him growing hard beneath you, and you don’t ignore it the way you would have before; you purposely press into it, grind yourself down on Seungmin’s lap and swallow the gasp he lets out. You lose track of how long you stay like this, grinding on his lap while your tongues swirl around each other's, your heavy breaths and every noise swallowed by the other. You’re out of breath by the time you finally pull away, your chests rapidly rising and falling, his shirt twisted in your palms. 

Seungmin looks almost dazed, and to be fair, you sort of are too; neither of you ever expected you’d be here like this. To Seungmin, you were unobtainable; someone he loved but could never have, and he tried so many times to make his peace with it, though he never could. There's a part of him that still can’t even believe you’re choosing him, that thinks maybe this is a dream he’ll soon wake up from. And in your case, it took you too long to realize your priorities were wrong, and your feelings didn’t always mean what you thought they did; that love is more than what looks good and correct on paper. 

You realized you don’t need perfection and matching titles and fairytale romance. Love doesn’t follow a formula, it doesn’t adhere to standards of nobility and preconceived notions on who a princess should love. You have two best friends, and they’re both vitally important to you, but the one you truly fell in love with turned out to be so opposite from what you thought your type truly was. You love Seungmin, with his quips, sarcasm, imperfections, and all. It’s unfortunate you didn’t realize it sooner, but you’re happy you’re sure of it now. And now that you have him, you’re never letting him go. 

“I want you,” you tell him, and though you’re the most shy you’ve ever been, and can’t quite look him in the eye as you admit it, you still get it out, clear and direct. It’s impressive, enviable, how shyness doesn’t prevent you from ever speaking your mind. “Do you.. want me too?” you ask, and he can feel your hands trembling as you continue to hold onto his shirt, waiting for his answer with bated breath. “Yes,” he assures; always has, and always will. 

You smile before you lean down to capture his lips in another kiss, wet, hot and messy. “This okay?” you pull away just slightly to ask, still so close that he can feel your every breath on his lips, your hand traveling down his chest and over his stomach. More than okay, he wants to say, but all that he can manage to let out is another “yes.” Your fingers ghost over the hem of his pants, his breath hitching when you palm him over the fabric.

It’s embarrassing how much pre-cum has stained and moistened the fabric of his pants, and he’s sure you can feel it beneath your hand. He closes his eyes, furrows his brows as he tries not to become flustered and increasingly more red. A breathy groan escapes him when you slide your hand inside, your hand encircling his cock, and he opens his eyes to look at you, twitching involuntarily when he sees the hungry look in your eyes. 

You kiss him when he starts to bite at his lip, greedily swallow every groan that tumbles out of him. Seungmin can’t believe how much better your hand feels than his own, how soft and warm and perfect- and when you pull away from his lips to stare down at him, he looks up at you like you hold the entire world in your hands. You’ve never done this before, but instinct carries you far, and if Seungmin’s reactions are any sign, you’re doing a good enough job so far. 

Carefully removing your hand from inside his pants and sitting up completely, you move your hands to the end of your dress, where it pools on your upper thighs, and take it in your hands, pulling it up and over your head, tossing it onto the floor behind you. Seungmin’s eyes grow wide, swallowing thickly as he stares at you. He wasn’t expecting it, but it makes sense that you’d do this; you’ve always been the type to act first and foremost. 

You smile at him, shy and sweet, but still impossibly confident too. You take his hands and bring them to your chest, let him grope you over your bra, and it sends him reeling. You’re assertive, direct, a go-getter; when you know you want something, you just go for it, simple as that. But still, this is.. you’re gonna drive him crazy before the night is over. You reach behind your back, unhook your bra with familiar ease, the straps sliding down your arm.

Seungmin swallows, knowing the moment he lets you go your bra will fall from your body and expose your chest to him. Deciding to take a page out of your book, and display some confidence despite the fact that his face is impossibly hot, he takes his hands away, lifts his back off the bed and pulls his own shirt off before he can get distracted by the image of you bare before him.

You toss your fallen bra aside, and he allows himself to stare for just a moment before he brings a hand to the nape of your neck and brings you down to kiss him. You squeak in surprise, but then he feels you smiling against his lips as you return his kiss. Mirroring what you did before, his hand travels between your thighs, feeling your heat over your panties. It’s a bit of an awkward reach that causes strain on his arm, but the minute he feels the wet patch, he doesn’t even fucking think about the strain anymore. 

Seungmin brings his fingers to the hem of your panties, glancing at you before he moves any further. You nod at him, giving him permission to slip his hand inside. And fuck, you’re soaked- he barely even has to move his fingers around to get them completely coated. “You’re- ‘s so wet,” he breathes out, almost amazed, and you whine, burying your face in his shoulder as some semblance of shyness finally clutches you.

“Your fault,” you mumble, and Seungmin chuckles, kissing the top of your head affectionately. “You’re cute when you’re being shy,” he tells you, and you quickly lift your head to glare at him. “Don’t get cocky, I will actually kill you,” you threaten. “And spend the rest of your life without me when just one day makes you miserable?” he teases, and you whine, grabbing one of his pillows and hitting him with it. 

“Remind me to never tell you when I miss you ever again,” you huff, and Seungmin coos, the menace that he is, before he pulls you into a sweet, passionate kiss. You easily melt into it, further complaints dying when his tongue touches yours. He takes your breasts in his hands again, thumbs rubbing over your nipples and making your entire body shudder. You gasp when he takes them between his fingers, squirming and whimpering when he rolls and softly pinches them. 

His cock unceremoniously twitches in response to your pleasured noises, each one driving him crazier than the last; he needs you bad. “Want you,” he mumbles against your lips, and you hum, pulling away to look at him. “Wanna fuck me?” you ask, head tilted as a coy smile plays on your lips. Fucking hell- you call him a menace, but you’re the real threat here; you make him insane. “Isn’t that obvious?” he asks, ignoring the heat on his face and trying to act as unphased by your words as possible. 

“Yeah, it is actually,” you smile and he scoffs, rolling his eyes as you giggle. Menace. You lift your hips off his lap, moving off to the side of the bed so you can slide your panties down your legs. He watches you intently, swallowing when you turn back to him and gaze at him expectantly. Right, he has to get undressed too. Lifting off the bed, he tries not to think about the fact that you’re staring at him as he pulls his pants and underwear down his thighs in one motion. 

You crawl back in his lap when he’s finished kicking the bunched fabric off his legs, neither of you paying any mind to where on his floor it lands. Seungmin’s brain feels like it’s going to short circuit while he’s staring at you; you’re beautiful, sexy, straddling his lap entirely naked, a moment he thought would only ever exist in his wet dreams. You take a breath, steady your nerves as you reach between your bodies to take his cock in your hand. 

It twitches in your hand, throbs as you align it with your dripping hole. You swallow, glancing back up at Seungmin’s face before you act. He can’t take your other hand in his as you’re using it to support your weight, so instead he reaches for your face, gently caressing your cheek with his thumb. You lean into his touch, smiling softly and indulging in his affection for just a moment before you start to slowly sink down on him. 

You squeeze your eyes shut, bottom lip caught between your teeth, nails digging into the flesh of his shoulder as you continue. Even just the sensation of the tip pushing inside is overwhelming, and the more of him you take, the more the pleasure in your gut builds. It’s unfamiliar, there’s a sting and a dull ache, but mostly it just feels good- better than anything you’ve ever felt. 

You open your eyes and look at Seungmin when your hips are finally flush with his, butterflies exploding when you see him struggling to keep himself together. His breaths are harsh and heavy, sweat dripping down his forehead, jaw clenched as he tries to prevent himself from cumming too fast. “You- you okay?” he asks, voice tense with effort, and you nod, leaning down to capture his lips in a hungry kiss. 

He throbs when you do, his hands moving to your hips and holding them tightly, your naked chests pressed together. When you’re ready, you experimentally roll your hips, whimpering softly into the kiss while you cling to his body. He groans with each slow roll of your hips, and it takes all he has not to bruise you in his grip and to stop his hips from chasing yours when you start to carefully bounce. 

It’s slow at first, still adjusting and finding the rhythm you're most comfortable with, what works for you and what feels good, but when you figure it out, God, please have mercy on him. The noises you make turn his brain into an absolute puddle, and when you whimper out his name he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to recover. And the way you clench around him, the wet sounds between your legs and of your thighs slapping together each time your hips rise and fall back to his lap- he can’t fucking take it. 

“M-Minnie-” you gasp, your pace faltering, legs screaming from all the exertion. “C-Close, but- ‘m tired,” you whine and pout, doing your best to push through the fatigue, but you’re not sure how much longer you can. Your legs and knees ache terribly, having been bent long before his dick was even inside you, and they’re in desperate need of a break. “Wanna switch?” he asks and you quickly nod, uttering a small “please,” as you still your hips.

Seungmin helps you lie on your back, quickly taking his place between your legs and pressing himself back inside in one swift motion. You gasp, eyes rolling back when he starts to quickly fuck into you, your hands clutching and twisting the sheets beneath you. He grabs your hands and makes you hold his instead, intertwines your fingers and makes no complaint when your nails dig into the flesh under his knuckles. 

He kisses you desperately, tongue messily swirling around yours, swallowing every loud whimper and moan that spills from your throat. Tears prick the corners of your eyes, your stomach knots and twists, your entire body trembles from the overwhelming pleasure. You snake your dominant hand from out of his grip and bring it to your clit, rubbing it in quick, messy circles. He pulls away from your lips to look between your bodies and watch, cursing when you squeeze him tighter. 

Before you know it, you’re gasping and crying, body jolting and squirming as your orgasm washes over you, hot pleasure licking every inch of your body. Seungmin’s head falls forward, gritting his teeth as he sloppily fucks you through it, his own release not far behind. You’re breathless and panting, but you grab his face and pull him into another kiss regardless, and it sends him over the edge, his eyes rolling back as his cum shoots inside you in long, hot spurts. 

Seungmin pulls out slowly, carefully, paying no mind to the mess his cum trickling out of you makes on his blankets. It doesn’t matter, he can call someone to change the sheets for him later- right now he just wants to focus on you. He lies next to you and kisses you, over and over, holding you close to his chest and squeezing you in his arms. “Clingy, aren’t we?” you playfully mutter against his lips, and he can’t even bring himself to say something witty in response.

“Yeah,” he smoothly admits, not denying one bit how infatuated he is with you, “I’m obsessed with you. That a problem?” You blink, all the red that left your face instantly returning- you weren’t expecting a response like that, nor for him to say it so earnestly. “Not since I love you,” you say after you recover, smiling shyly and giggling when he seems surprised. “Do you?” he asks, and you pout; does he still not think you do, even after all that? 

“Of course I do! I love you so much, Minnie, you.. You’re the only one I want,” you speak from the heart, and Seungmin smiles, playful and smug. “I know. I just wanted to hear you say it again,” he tells you, and you shove him, whining loudly when he laughs. “You’re such an ass!” you cry, and he pulls you back to him, hugging you close and pecking your lips when you pout. “I love you too,” he says, so sweetly that it makes you melt. 

You stay cuddled together like that for some time, limbs tangled together, comfortable and secure. Neither of you wants to be the one to break away first, and though you teased him for it, you love how clingy Seungmin can be when he lets his guard down. You hope he leaves it down a lot from now on; because you love him, and with how stubborn you are, you’ll never let him be pried from your fingers. He’s yours, and you're his, now, forever, always.

It took longer than you would’ve liked to realize it, but this is the love you’ve always wanted. Seungmin completes you, he’s your missing piece, the one who understands you. Similar in the ways that matters, and contrasts you perfectly in the places you differ. You bicker and you tease and sometimes you fight, but you love with your whole hearts; and you’ll never again doubt that or be confused on what it is you want, because this is it. It’s not the fairytale you dreamed of as a kid, but it’s better than that; because it’s real, Seungmin’s love is real, and there’s nothing better you could ever ask for.

[utilitycaster]

Do you think part of the D20 journalistic bias comes from D20 being edited? It gives the appearance of much more effortless play and lets them control the pacing in a way unedited play like CR simply can't do. They get to (potentially) hide a lot of stuff people would jump on as flaws while CR has no choice but to let it all play out. I greatly prefer CR's approach, despite it biting them in the ass a bit through no fault of their own.

Answering these both together to group cause and my opinions, and I do want to note this is specifically about journalism/press coverage, not their respective fandoms even though there's obviously some overlap.

I think there's a couple things, but I do want to note this was actually prompted by Daggerheart, not Critical Role. The response from several prominent voices in the Actual Play journalism community, whom I will not name here but whom I do not respect intellectually, really was, within hours of the open beta (which as far as I know they didn't have early access to - more on that later) "um it could be better, I don't like xyz and also it's sooooooo important to have criticism" and again, it is important to have criticism, but also you act like D20 has never had a mediocre moment and that Kollok is brilliant, so.

This...got away from me a bit. I'd say I'm sorry but actually I adore writing thousands of words about actual play and it will happen again but I'm putting the detailed answer below a cut. The short answer is I think a lot of Actual Play journalists actually sort of fell into their jobs through being vaguely involved in nerd spaces and aren't actually equipped to talk intelligently about TTRPGs and actual play as a medium that should, at its best, be a perfect fusion of narrative and mechanics. So instead they're distracted by flashy edits and bright lights and cool noises and some abstract concept of "novelty" and write only about that. Also Critical Role is the 700 lb gorilla in the AP space (though not, actually, the TTRPG space) and doesn't give them early access and that's meaaaaaan. Indeed, for all I think a lot of their coverage of D20 and Worlds Beyond Number is obsessively fawning, I also think it's extremely surface level, frequently factually wrong, and fails to get at what's truly excellent about those shows either.

I think, honestly, the biggest one is that I don't actually think a lot of Actual Play journalists watch series in full. I was looking for Polygon coverage of Fantasy High Junior Year and they have one glowing article but it's more about Fantasy High as setting and institution and D20 "changing the game" (also more on this later) to the point of outright contradicting the pull quotes they used from interviewing Brennan Lee Mulligan (also more on this later). So I started looking through their coverage and actually, quite a number of their write-ups are based on only one episode, or half a season. Clearly, they haven't read the full open beta (nor have I, but I think their complaints about the character build process belie a profound misunderstanding of what TTRPGs are, also more on this later). So editing is certainly part of it because it's really easy to see cool special effects and sound design within one episode and shit out a hacky article about it, whereas actually getting to the substance - character relationships, cohesive narrative, storytelling - requires work that I do not think they're doing. And on the one hand I do kind of get it, because yeah, if journalism is your livelihood then you perhaps do not have the time to watch 4 hours of D&D a week for 2-3 years if you're only going to get one article every six months out of it. But I don't think the answer is "focus intently on Microsoft Powerpoint-esque scene transition tricks while ignoring that nothing occurring at the table is actually fun to watch." For more on this, see this post.

The second, which is very relevant to Daggerheart but also is actually a big gap in D20 and WBN coverage in my opinion, and which I put in the tags, is that I actually don't think a lot of journalists have a solid understanding of TTRPGs nor of most genres. And I think Critical Role has a particularly good understanding of both these things, actually, if one skewed towards collaborative storytelling that is not rules-light. I think one really big example is that one person within the space is mad at the Daggerheart questions for the character archetypes because what if your character doesn't fit these. I think this is dumb as shit. I actually think that a common criticism of D&D - that you can't play ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING - is not valid, or rather, it's a valid opinion to hold but if you want to play a character who doesn't fit into the available archetypes perhaps you need to find another game. We all inherently understand that Blades in the Dark characters will be members of a criminal organization in a relatively low-magic setting, correct? That you can't show up to BitD and play a lawful good wizard prince because that's not the story being told? Or like, how in Honey Heist, you are a bear and you are trying to get honey, and you cannot play a human child investigating the old abandoned house at the edge of town, but there's a cool game called Kids on Bikes that will let you do that? Great! Why is this suddenly so hard to understand in the realm of heroic fantasy, that you will fit into specific archetypes? Why do people's brains, if they have them to begin with, vanish suddenly? I know I just did a big old rant that included this within it but genuinely I think a lot of people are deeply ignorant of heroic fantasy, or don't like it, and either is fine, but then they get mad at the heroic fantasy game for having heroic fantasy archetypes when the answer is "maybe this will never make you happy because it's not for you." (Frankly, I think this is also why they love D20, because it doesn't really do straight-up heroic fantasy, and that's fine, but they do keep acting like doing a Game of Thrones pastiche is equivalent to the invention of the wheel.) Like...I remember in the Midst Q&A that Xen said they tend to not like playing typical D&D classes, but their solution was to, you know, create Midst instead of sitting around going "actually, because D&D doesn't support cyberpunk narrative and the character archetypes within very well it is an utter failure." (I could go on forever about how actually TTRPGs are not a showcase for your already extant OCs to prance around but that's a totally separate post).

Mechanics and story are inherently intertwined, is what I'm trying to get at (sorry I'm really tired and have a lot to do but I'm passionate about this answer, it will be rambly, she says like 3 pages in) and I really don't think most actual play journalists get this. At all. And I do think that CR, and Daggerheart, and the people working for it, and especially Spenser Starke, Rowan Hall, Matt Mercer, and Travis Willingham, get this more than almost anyone else in the field. I also think Brennan Lee Mulligan and Aabria Iyengar get this, and the thing is, for all the praise showered upon them, much of which I think is deserved and most of what I think is undeserved is not because they are lacking but because the person writing about them is an idiot crediting them for things they (Brennan and Aabria) would never claim to have invented, their mechanical prowess is rarely if ever written about well. Fantasy High Junior Year's downtime mechanics actually fill in a famous gap in D&D, namely, downtime, and provide an excellent marriage of story and mechanics in my opinion, and I haven't really seen any discussion, because that would require watching the part of the TTRPG show where they play the TTRPG, and knowing the vague word on the street about D&D criticism that isn't just "*nods sagely* capitalism is the BBEG."

And finally: related a bit to the edit but Critical Role used to not be able to provide any early access to press, because it was literally a live show, and I suspect they never broke the habit, and I think that is for the best. As discussed a lot of D20 coverage actually feels like they watched the press screener and then never returned to the show. And I do not know the politics about them, but given that several of these publications (notably Polygon, but some others) have been shitting on Critical Role for several years, and just generally given the way CR's leadership vs. how D20's leadership respond to fandom pressure, I suspect Critical Role does not give these journalists a ton of early or increased, if any. Honestly, why should you, if you're getting interviewed in Variety? And I think the journalists are mad, because they think they're special and should get treated as such.

I do want to wrap something up, and I want to thank @captainofthetidesbreath for talking a little about this in game design/ttrpgs and giving me the idea, but in story, you should be challenging your audience, expanding their horizons, and being new and interesting. In the actual playing of TTRPGs, especially a new one, it is vital to be inclusive and easy to understand and patient and provide points of reference. I really feel like many Actual Play journalists and some TTRPG ones as well have this equation flipped and are looking for challenging concepts that most people will never be able to get a group to be willing to play, and bells and whistles in production, but leave story as an afterthought. Critical Role designs games to actually be played and to be used specifically to tell good stories, and puts story before production, and I think that undercuts those journalists' whole deal.

[aelinfireheartgalathynius]

I get that some people think it's funny to call SJM books "faerie porn" and that's fine, but...

It's gotten to a point where, when people talk to non-SJM readers who ask about the books, SJM readers will say with their whole chest "oh they're faerie porn books haha it's literally just porn!"

And it's started to get really grating for me. I've been reading SJM since Throne of Glass came out. These books are SO much more than the sex scenes, or even the romance (tbf romance is a common thread in all of her books, though same with a lot of male-written fantasy and those books don't get called romantasy, but I digress).

These books are something utterly unique and magical within the fantasy genre. I've been reading fantasy since I was in first grade (I'm 29) and I can honestly say that I have not come across anything like these books. Yes, SJM has flaws. Her books, especially early ones, have flaws. But overall, they are feats of world building, master classes in plot pacing and foreshadowing, and filled with enthralling characters and worlds and histories.

Diminishing them to the few sex scenes (a few of which are admittedly wild), most of which are also very emotionally significant to the characters, is doing Sarah and all of her books a disservice. And honestly, it's doing other potential readers a disservice when they decide not to read SJM due to the internet referring to it as porn and not "real" fantasy.

No one says that about authors like Patrick Rothfuss, but the second book in his hit fantasy series spends a significant amount of time focusing on the main character learning all about sex from a random forest faerie (don't get me started). Many male adult fantasy authors include sex scenes, some of which are extremely graphic, but no one calls their work porn — no, it's often referred to as "real" fantasy.

[corazondebeskar-reads]

you know you never stood a chance - chapter three

you know you never stood a chance series

three: cover up where you've been

series masterlist | prev chapter | next chapter

qz!Joel Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Summary: Joel catches you working at the brothel again and decides to do something about it.

Warnings: qz!Joel comes with his own warning, Joel is mean/bad at feelings, protective Joel, look he's a complicated man ok, prostitution (we support sex workers in this house), dub-con, free use but it's dub-con due to the power imbalance, spanking, one (1) pussy spank, unprotected p in v

Originally written for Kinktober 2023 - Day 31: Free Choice (Free Use), Prompts from this list by @absurdthirst, who I would like to thank for inspiring me to write again for the first time in literal years.

also on ao3

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Joel is snarling before you even realize who has come through the door.

You scramble back on the bed at the sound of a man yelling. Your brain doesn’t register him, only a steady siren telling you to make yourself as small as possible.

He doesn’t see it for what it is, only sees you back in this fucking motel room in a pink robe. “I don’t like repeatin’ myself, girl. I told you not to come back here. Then I hear it from Jenkins that you’re down here whoring yourself out?”

“Joel, I—” you start to whisper from where you’re sitting against the headboard, knees drawn to your chest.

“I don’t want to fuckin’ hear it,” he says. “Get over here, face down, ass up.” When you don’t move right away, he snaps his fingers. “Now.”

You flinch at his tone but obey, positioning yourself the way he had put you the last time you met him here.

With your face buried in the mattress, you can only hear as he unbuckles his belt. His hand cracks down on your ass, and you yelp, lurching forward.

“Ya wanna be a whore? Fine,” he says. He spits into his hand and strokes his cock before shoving it into your cunt.

It’s too much. You’re too dry, and he’s too big. But you don’t protest more than a sharp cry, weaving your fingers into the sheet and holding on like it was strong enough to hold you back.

“Fuck, you’re tight, princess. Not getting a lot of business?”

You don’t bother with an answer; he doesn’t really want one.

He pulls almost all the way out and adjusts his grip on your hips before slamming all the way in. You bite your lip, but his cock forces a scream from you, anyway.

He sets a ravaged pace, nothing like he’s done to you before. Tears burn down your cheeks, but you stay silent, stay pliant.

Apparently, that’s not what he wants. He slaps your ass again, bringing his hand down until you can’t hold back any longer, a wretched sob tearing free.

“What’s wrong? I thought you wanted to be treated like a fuckin’ whore.”

“Joel, please.”

He pulls out and flips you onto your back before thrusting back in. You cover your face with your hands, unable to bear looking up at him through the tears.

“This what you do with all the men who come in here to use your cunt? You hide and cry until it’s over?”

“No, please.”

“Please what? You want me to touch you?”

You nod, finding that you do. Even though you hate this. Even though this isn’t the way he fucks you, isn’t the way he takes his retribution. Maybe if he touches you, it’ll hurt less.

His hand reaches between you to rub at your clit. It doesn’t last; he doesn’t get a reaction. You just take it but can’t seem to feel it.

“Stop fuckin’ hiding from me,” he says, wrenching your hands from your face by the wrists.

He freezes, cock buried to the hilt, both wrists still wrapped in the bulk of his hands.

“What happened?”

“What do you think happened?” you mutter, turning your head to the side, taking your blackened right eye out of his direct line of sight.

He moves to hold both wrists in one hand, bringing the other up to turn your face back toward him.

You wrench your chin away from his hand, which he brings up to scrub over his face, sighing and shaking his head.

“I warned you, darlin’, the creeps that have to come here to find a girl aren’t going to be nice to ya.”

You glare up at him, trying to keep your mouth shut. You paid him back; you owe him nothing. Not even an explanation. Especially not an explanation.

“Just get what you paid for and get out, Miller.” It’s soft, strained. Your throat is still sore, as is practically everything else.

“You were bein’ such a good girl. Comin’ to me when you needed something, not lettin’ yourself get beat and used for a pittance.”

The tears have subsided, now, but the humiliation stings anew. “She left.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“My sister. She left. That FEDRA creep she’s with got a transfer, and she went with him.”

“You’re kiddin’ me. After the shit you went through takin’ care of her?”

“Doesn’t matter,” you say, fingers twisting the bunched up sheets.

“You shoulda come to me first, instead of comin’ here.” He knows, though. His knuckles trace the curve of your cheek under the bruising. Double the rent wasn’t something you could fix with pills or ration cards. He pulls out and tucks his still-hard cock back into his jeans.

“The fuck are you doing?” It’s easy to let the embarrassment turn to anger.

“Get dressed; we’re leavin’.”

“Like hell we are. I don’t want your fuckin’ pity, Miller. Take what you came here for and get out.”

“I plan on it, princess. I just ain’t doin’ it here. Get your shit, and let’s go.”

You scowl. It would feel better to argue, but you have a feeling it isn’t going to get you anywhere. You don’t have to go with him. But you already know you will.

So you pull on your hoodie and sweatpants, resigned to following him. The walk back only takes fifteen minutes, but it’s the longest, quietest fifteen minutes of your life.

On the fourth floor landing, you automatically turn to go down the hall to his apartment, but Joel keeps going. You have to double back and jog to catch up with him by the fifth floor. Your brain still hasn’t caught up when you stop outside your door.

You must take a second too long for him because he sighs and plunges a hand into your sweater pocket, only for it to emerge seconds later with your key in its grasp. He unlocks your apartment, and you follow.

Grabbing your backpack from the floor by the entrance, he moves about the apartment, shoving things in with little consideration. You stand in the middle of the living room, the sight of Joel in your space not making sense.

“Go on, I ain’t packin’ your clothes and shit,” he says like you’re supposed to know what’s going on. He stands up straight and puts a hand on his hip. ”What?”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, you sure as shit can’t stay here, sweetheart. If you don’t get your things now, they’ll just keep ‘em.”

When he finishes ransacking your kitchen and living room, he comes in to find you staring into the bathroom mirror.

“Your couch is nicer than mine, I’ll come back for it tomorrow,” he says before stopping in the door frame. “What’re you just standing there for?”

You hadn’t seen it yet. The bruise. Your eye. It’s shaken something loose like phlegm from your lungs. You reach a hand up to it and gently prod at the discoloration.

“It’s not that bad. I got a cream you can put on it,” Joel shifts his weight from one leg to the other, leaning back a little. The tight set of your lips makes him think you might cry, which he doesn’t know what to do with. “Hurry up,” he says, instead, and leaves the room.

His words sink in a few moments later. You go out to find him puttering around in the kitchen, making himself lunch.

“What do you mean you’ll come back for my couch?”

“S’nicer than mine. We can trade the old one for somethin’ else.”

“That clears up nothing, thank you.”

“What?” he says through a mouthful of sandwich.

You slump into the metal folding chair that sits at your tiny, two-top table and bury your face in your hands for a minute. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Not much to it. Ya can’t stay here, obviously. You won’t make it on the streets. I got the room, so.” He shrugs and takes another bite, like it’s really that simple to him.

“I can’t owe you that much, Joel.”

He sets down his sandwich right on the countertop, though you can’t remember when you’ve had time to clean it last, and crosses the whole three steps to the other side of the kitchen. With two curled fingers, he lifts your chin to look at him.

“Ya ain’t gonna owe me, sweetheart. S’just gonna be that much easier for me to take my payment, y’know? You keep your job, and when I’m home, you’re mine.”

You swallow and nod, a wave of nausea threatening to spill.

“What’s got you lookin’ all scared? It’s a better deal than you were getting at the whorehouse.”

He’s not wrong. It’s a much, much better deal. So you nod, and stand up, knocking the chair back with a clunk against the table. You make a bag of sorts out of your blanket and stuff your clothes into it.

You stare at your sister’s bed, stripped bare. She won’t know where to find me, you think. But you know she won’t even look.

Joel makes room for your meager belongings, but you don’t get time to unpack. Pent up from stopping halfway at the motel, he shows you exactly how he means to get his payment when he pushes you down across the bathroom counter and tugs your pants down so they pool around your ankles.

His cock slides in a little easier this time, though not by much. But this time, when his fingers find your clit, you moan. Now that you’re not afraid, you can appreciate just how good he is at manipulating your body.

He’s got one foot on the toilet seat, thrusting up into you. His other hand curls around to cup your tit, thumb flicking against your nipple. He moans when you reward his efforts by clamping down around his cock.

“There’s a good girl,” he says, pinching at it so you gasp and tighten again. “See? So much easier than that fuckin’ brothel. All you gotta do is take whatever I give ya, whenever I want.”

You nod against the cold laminate, tilting your hips so he can slide in just a little deeper. He pushes in enough to hit just right so you can topple over the edge to your climax.

He groans and works you through it. “Give me another one, I’m not gonna last,” he says, doubling his efforts. It doesn’t take much, and you jerk against him. He drops your breast in favor of pushing your shoulder blades down as he pulls out and cums on your ass, beads rolling down your thighs.

“Atta girl,” he says with a slap to your cunt as he turns and leaves the room.

next chapter

[thankskenpenders]

I'm a huge fan of Ian, but one criticism of him that I've seen that I kind of agree with is that he sometimes falls into "look how much I know about Sonic" in his writing. For example, a number of references in Frontiers like Tails namedropping Dark Gaia out of nowhere. It's a nice change of pace from Sega not knowing where they wanted to go with Sonic for like a decade, but it might be too far in the opposite direction. What do you think?

There's definitely a thin line between Ian's love of references and lore and lyric quotes being fun and grating, yeah. I think he tends to do it well, choosing things that will support and enhance the story he's trying to tell rather than just dropping random references for the sake of it, but sometimes it can kinda make me roll my eyes and go "okay, Ian, settle down buddy." He readily admits that sometimes he just really wants to play with all the toys in the toy box.

I think an example I might point do would be some of the Classic Sonic comics for IDW. The Tails special in particular felt like it relied very heavily on Ian being excited to use the Witchcarters again, and to use Flicky Island as a setting, but I felt like the story left me wanting a little more beyond just "this obscure old stuff is back again." (The art in all the Classic stuff is phenomenal, though, of course.)

Frontiers absolutely is jam packed full of references, but I think it works there because acknowledging and building off of decades of continuity is one of the main points of the story in Frontiers. It's part of a greater effort Sega has been making to acknowledge Sonic's legacy after much of the late '00s and early 2010s were spent being kind of ashamed of that stuff and trying to streamline the series. Frontiers, meanwhile, wanted to look back on all those past adventures and their inconsistent writing and figure out how to wring some proper character arcs out of them, so that the cast can reflect on those arcs and figure out what they want to do next. Mining hit-or-miss old material for a compelling throughline like that has always been something Ian's excelled at - it's literally what he did to the Archie comics when he started out - and having the characters acknowledge their past adventures is a part of that. It gives us a sense that Sonic and co. really have gone through a lot together, and that those experiences have shaped who they are today.

It's also worth remembering that a ton of more casual Sonic fans aren't as immersed in the state of the canon or Ian's referential writing style as we are. When Frontiers came out you'd see people say stuff like "OMG, Sonic mentioned Jet the Hawk!! I didn't know Sonic Riders was canon to the main series! I loved those games!" That kind of reaction is probably a big part of why those references are there. Sega wants fans to know that Sonic DOES have continuity, unlike a series like Mario where every game and sub-series is kind of its own thing, and that all the old stuff still matters. And if that's what you wanna do, then Ian's the guy for the job.

[justalittlebitbored]

part two: willow tree | remus lupin

part two: a brand new day

pairing/au: marauders era, remus lupin × reader

summary: you've loved your best friend for as long as you can remember and loving someone who doesn't love you back hurts. a lot.

warnings: angst, unrequited love, sadness, fluff, friends to lovers, childhood best friends to lovers. drinking, mentions of alcohol and parties. no use of y/n. slightly jealous!remus I have not specified what you’ve done to your hair so you pick

this part is set in their sixth year

wc: 9.5k

a/n: sorry about the month long wait guys but here’s part 2

series masterlist main masterlist

“Thank god we’re dorm mates this year.”

Lily was pacing up and down the middle of your room whilst you were laying on your bed, your hands under your chin watching her.

It was hectic business getting her to be your dorm mate this year. She was adamant on it, saying something along the lines of ‘being head prefect does not mean I should get stuck babysitting third and fourth years. Absolutely ridiculous.’

Lily being Lily somehow managed to convince the school to allow her to move into yours. You still had the same room though, the best room in the flat in your opinion, you had an en-suite and the view of the willow tree right outside your window; so unpacking wasn’t an issue for you as much as it was for her.

“I don’t think I could handle dealing with those children for another year. And I- you’re not listening are you?”

You were in fact not listening to her, you had zoned out about five minutes into her ranting. She loudly said your name. When you didn’t respond she said clapped her hands in front of your face to snap you out of your daze.

You jumped and began to teasingly console her.

“I am. You were just saying how glad you are to be sharing with me, because I’m so amazing and smart and funny and-”

You were cut off when one of your throw pillows was chucked at you. You crossed your arms over your face as it bounced off your hands onto the floor.

“Rude.” You muttered with a smile on your face.

“I swear that hair dye must be seeping into your brain because you were much nicer last year. Probably would’ve offered to help me unpack too.” She teased, referencing the fact that you had gotten your hair done over the summer.

It was a last minute sort of thing, your mum had guilted you into it, deciding to pull the ‘you’re at Hogwarts all year and I never get to see you’ card. So mother daughter bonding this summer had been in a hair salon, but she had also spoilt you rotten with new clothes so you couldn’t complain.

When you had come home that day you had sat in the mirror looking at your self for about an hour, pleasantly surprised by the outcome. You looked… pretty.

“Shut up.” You stared at her blankly, a trace of a grin on your face. You shuffled off your bed and stood up brushing your hands against your jeans.

“Come on then, move your cute little butt. Let’s go unpack.”

—

You don’t think walking into Hogwarts on your first day of school every year could ever get old. It was an enigma, a puzzle that had yet to be solved and it just brimmed with magical excellence. Everything you could dream of was possible at this school.

As you walked through the entrance you could hear shrieks of laughter. You looked up and saw some seventh years flying on their broom sticks in circles above the courtyard. You smiled. Nope, it never gets old.

The first day buzz was hitting everyone, you could see the first years being taken on their tours, their little figures being swamped by the uniform that was three times too big on them. Everyone was catching up with their friends about the summer, talking about what they did, where they went.

The issue now was finding your group of friends to catch up with. You had said goodbye to Lily at the dorms, she had to go and talk to the teachers about her prefect duties saying she’d catch up with you later. You stood by the water fountain near the middle of the courtyard looking around for any familiar heads of hair.

“Moony you’re so tall, what did you do, decide to morph into a giraffe this summer?”

Sirius. You rolled your eyes.

Oh god you’ve missed them. Missed Remus. You hadn’t had a chance to catch up at all during summer, especially after that awkward moment before Lily dragged you away.

She had gotten everything out of you, your feelings about him, just all of it. You had talked so much about Remus that night.

You could feel the dread set in and the butterflies in your belly at the thought of seeing him. But you had to act natural, normal. The way you would usually act.

So you spun on your heels and turned about quickly walking towards the group of boys. Remus’ back was towards you, they hadn’t noticed you yet so you slowly approached.

Once you had reached them and resided behind Remus, you stood on your tiptoes and covered his eyes with your hands.

“Guess who?”

You could feel his hands come up gently grab you wrists, keeping your hands there.

“I wonder who it could be?” He said in a teasing voice and you knew he was smiling although you couldn’t see his face.

You popped your head out from behind his shoulder, initially being hidden behind his back due to how tall he had gotten.

The marauders had all gone quiet once they saw you. Peters face filled with a red flush whilst James’ mouth was open whilst he looked at you.

What was wrong?

You awkwardly looked at your feet before looking back up again.

“Um. Hi?”

You pulled your hands away from Remus’ eyes just in time for Sirius to pick up and twirl you around, his hands on your waist. As he put you down you placed your hands on his upper arms to steady yourself. He instantly wrapped his arms around you, telling you he missed you over the summer before he let go you.

James and Peter had also pulled you in for an individual hug and said their hellos.

Surprisingly, Remus hadn’t said anything yet and when you turned to look at him you found he was already looking at you.

“Hey.” You said breathlessly.

He still hadn’t said anything, you could see his eyes darting around your face his mouth opening and closing. This was really starting to get ridiculous now, you had only been gone for 2 months.

“Remus?” You called his name attempting to get his attention.

The only thing that snapped him out of it was Sirius firmly slapping him on the back, an awkward chuckle coming from his mouth.

“Moony she’s back. You’ve been moping around all summer why don’t you say hi instead of… this?”

This seemed to snap him out of it as he charged forward wrapping his arms around your middle. You curled you arms around his neck as he lifted you up and squeezed you tight, your feet just nearly touching the floor as he leaned back with you in his arms.

After a long moment he set you down.

“Hi. I- wow.” He blinked. “You look… um.” He gulped opening his mouth before closing it again. He trailed off, staring at you for a long moment.

You heard a loud, awkward laugh coming from Sirius before he intervened, stepping to your side.

“Pretty. You look pretty.” He rolled his eyes playfully, his hand coming up to ruffle your hair. “I like the new hair, nerd.”

“Why thank you Sirius. Very kind of you.” You chuckled stepping back and twirling around on one foot, your hair flying around your head.

“You look very pretty too.” You teased him.

“Of course I do, this is a known fact.” He said with a smirk on his face.

Idiot. You’ve missed him.

Before you could could say anything else you heard your name loudly being called. You turned around seeing Marlene and the girls waving you over.

You turned around and began apologising.

“I’m gunna go say hi. I will see you guys later, okay.” You began walking away backwards. “Oh and I missed you guys too.”

You said your goodbyes and spun on your heel and walked towards Marlene, you needed a deep catch up with them about the summer too.

That went well right? Although Remus acted weirdly, you acted fine. Completely normally you hope. You shook your head, snapping out of it has you reached the girls.

What you didn’t see was Sirius and James slapping Remus round the head, their laughs filling the air. His eyes were still on your retreating figure, a dazed look on his face.

“Alright, alright. You can stop staring now moony, let’s go to tutor.”

—

It had only been a couple of hours and you had already fallen back into your normal routine, it was like you had never left.

Currently, you were walking down the main corridor towards to great hall where you assumed you were to meet your friends. You all had had potions together that morning but you didn’t share the next lesson after that with any of them.

You were walking with Alexander, a new friend you had just made in your defence of the dark arts lesson. You had clicked almost instantly and had made fast friends. He was in Ravenclaw and was very sweet. It didn’t help that he was also very good looking.

As you reached the entrance of the the hall you both turned to each other and said goodbye, his hand touching your elbow for a quick moment before you went your separate ways towards your relative friends.

You threw your bag on the table and slumped down in a seat next to Lily, right in the middle of the group. The boys had seemingly settled on the left and the girls on the right.

“Who was that?”

You turned to look at Lily.

“Who was who?” Giving her a perplexed look you furrowed your brows.

“That boy who you walked in with.” She was now smirking at you, her comment had drawn the attention of both groups.

“Oh that was Alexander, we just met last lesson. He’s just transferred here from up north.” You explained this, trying to act as nonchalant as you could.

“Oh, has he now?” Marlene had chimed. Her and Lily turned and exchanged mischievous smiles before looking at you.

Oh my god. You truly hated your friends. You could not wait for Lily and James to finally get together. When they finally did, you’ll make sure that they’ll never hear the end of it.

You could feel Remus’ stare from across the table, his eyes felt like they were burning a hole into the side of your face.

“Urgh, you guys are so annoying.” You complained rolling your eyes playfully.

“Only because we love ya!” Lily threw her arm around your shoulder.

The conversation quickly switched over to Marlene and the boy she had met over the summer, with you alternating talking to the boys and then your other group of friends. However, you could feel Remus looking at you from time to time, his eyes flickering to your face before he quickly looked away.

You felt two heavy hands suddenly make their way onto your shoulders before you were shaken harshly. You let out a screech and put you hand to your chest. Hearing loud laughter you turned around to see Sirius stood behind you, swearing at him you turned your back on him with a smile on your face.

“Move over. Everyone’s favourite person has arrived.” He said in a cocky voice as he sat down next to you.

“Not sure about that padfoot, I’m definitely the favourite here.” James exclaimed with a smirk, his eyes on Lily. “Right Lils?”

She turned and gave in an incredulous look before rolling her eyes, a ghost of a smile on her face. Oh yeah, they are definitely going to get together. The whole group had a bet going. You had bet that they’d be together by the end of the year, whilst Remus, Sirius and Marlene were betting that by Christmas he would finally be able to win her over.

“Right, Jack Fullingham is having a party tonight to celebrate the beginning of the year.”

“Umm, who’s Jack Fullingham?” Peter asked timidly.

“This seventh year. Listen it doesn’t matter, I’ve managed to get us all invited so don’t worry about it. I’m ready to party so who’s in?” With a mischievous look on his face he wriggled his eyes brows.

“I swear he hates you. Didn’t you try it on with his girlfriend last year?” Remus raised his eye brows at him.

“Pffft. That’s all in the past now, don’t worry about it moony.” He kissed his teeth and leant forward grabbing the cookie from Remus’ plate.

“Well then, I guess we’re in.”

You heard murmurs of agreement from the girls. With the boys following quickly after.

“Brilliant.”

—

You had been at this party for about an hour now and it was beginning to get boring.

James had dragged Lily off somewhere trying to woo her and no matter how much the girl denied her feelings she had gone along with his antics. What morons.

The rest of the marauders had been stolen from you by Sirius claiming he needed their help trying to seduce this girl in the year above.

Although, you had seen Violet floating about and you were hoping her and Remus wouldn’t bump into each other because you couldn’t handle seeing them interact, it literally made you want to gouge your eyes out.

Not that that would matter to you, you were friends. Just friends.

You had kind of managed to distance yourself from the party and were sat on the counter in the kitchen, a drink in your hand observing the scene in front of you.

There were huddles of seventh and sixth years together, empty cups strewn everywhere with a massive herd of empty bottles by the kitchen sink.

And of course there were couples spotted around, obviously attempting to get lucky tonight and by the looks of it most of them will.

“So, what are you doing sat here alone?” A deep voice next to you spoke out.

Startled you turned to see Alexander stood next to you, leaning against the counter. He was wearing jeans with a top that fit him… nicely you could say. Well, fit his biceps very nicely.

You were suddenly grateful that Lily had dragged you into her room to get ready together, her wardrobe had been of great benefit to you tonight and you were certainly glad that you were dressed appropriately for the evening. That was made clear by the wolf whistles Marlene and your friend Janie had shot you when you’d seen them.

Shooting him a smile you responded. “I’m bored, been ditched by all my friends.”

“Ah, well they made the wrong choice.”

“Yeah I’ll tell them as much if I bump into them again tonight.”

He chuckled, his eyes darting around your face for a moment.

“I’ll stay with you until then. Hopefully they don’t turn up and who knows maybe I can keep you company all night.” He shot you a cheeky grin, his brows raised.

Was he flirting with you? No surely not. He was him and you were, well just you. Your mouth parted and you’d realised you’d just been staring at him a moment too long.

“Or not. Hey, I saw a pretty girl and I thought it was time to shoot my shot.” He said nervously.

You quickly snapped out your daze. Yup, definitely flirting.

“I never said you couldn’t shoot your shot. Shoot it and you’ll see where it takes you.”

Woah, where did that come from. That was bold. Oh god, thank Merlin you had some liquid courage in you.

Interacting with boys was never your forte, definitely not sober and most certainly not drunk.

You weren’t sure how he was going to react until he shot you a smirk. “I guess I’ll be sticking around then.”

You didn’t realise how long you had spent chatting until you heard the front door slam, and looking around the place was now half empty couples had fallen asleep on each other and the party had mainly moved into the garden.

You had been caught up in conversation, Alex was funny and witty and you hadn’t stopped laughing since he had come over to you. He told you all about his life up north and why he moved down to Hogwarts.

After the front door slammed again you both fell into a comfortable silence for a moment, not really needing to fill the gap. He was stood up at the kitchen counter leaning against your arm whilst you were sat on it.

Taking a sip of your drink let out breathe. Alex moved to stand in front of you, even though you were sat on the counter he was still taller so you tilted your chin up to look at him. He rubbed his arm before he began talking and you were now worried about what he was going to do.

He began to speak. “So, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to hang out again? Alone this time, just me and you.”

Oh my god, was he asking you on a date? He was sweet but you still had feelings for Remus and you didn’t want to lead him on. But he could have meant it in a friendly way, right?

“Like a date?” You said breathless.

“Like a date. So what’d ya say?” He smiled at you nervously.

You opened your mouth to turn him down before something caught your eye behind his shoulder. Remus and Violet had just walked down the stairs hand in hand.

You felt sick.

This was it then, you had to begin to move on. You couldn’t follow Remus around like a lost puppy forever.

Alex was a good guy, and maybe if it all went well he could be the boy that’ll help you move on.

You inhaled sharply before meeting Alex’s eyes.

“I’d love too.” You gave him a tight smile.

“Cool. I’ll be looking forward to it.” He gave you a grin and you could tell he was very happy.

Guilt instantly started to fill your veins as you were only going to be using him as a distraction and you couldn’t help feel disheartened at the prospect.

Your gaze found Remus over his shoulder again. He was now alone and slumped against the wall, he was drunk. You could tell by the way his pupils were dilated and he was staring up at the ceiling with a clenched jaw. He was beginning to slide downwards and eventually was going down o take a seat on the floor.

Just because he didn’t love you back that didn’t mean you had the right to abandon him altogether, and that was the reason you said your goodbyes to Alex. You have him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek as you told him you had seen one of your friends that you needed to look after.

Jumping off the counter you began your trek over to Remus.

He was now fully sat on the floor his head leaned back on the wall and his eyes shut.

You crouched down next to his legs and placed your hand on his shoulder as you should him gently.

“Remus.” He let out a large groan. “Remus are you alright?”

“No.”

You rolled your eyes, he was fine but sitting on the floor was not the best place to be at the moment so you began attempting to stand him up. You wrapped your arm around his back placed your other on his chest attempting to haul him up.

“Remus come on. You can’t sit on the floor, let’s go and sit on the couch.”

“No, it’s comfy here.” He half slurred his words.

“Please, come on.” You tried again and this time luckily he listen to you and began to push his body off the ground.

When he finally stood up he leaned against you full and nearly buckled under his weight. The boy had grown significantly over the summer and wan no longer slightly taller than you but rather towered over you now. As Sirius so nicely put it, he’s a giraffe now.

Managing to drag him over the the sofa, you sat him down as gently as you could but that was quite difficult when he had practically lost control of all his limbs.

You were quite out of breath by the time he’s slumped down on the sofa, you did not have the best stamina and you would rue the day you ever entered a gym.

You sat down beside him and pushed his hair off of his forehead as it had flopped down and covered his eyes.

“How much have you had to drink?” You sighed. He grunted.

“Remus, come on.”

“You’d know if you weren’t so distracted tonight.” He said with a huff.

Excuse me, who had ditched who?

“Distracted with what, huh?” Was this to do with Alex?

“You know with what.” He huffed again and crossed his arms and stared forward, a pout on his face.

“What a big baby. You sad I didn’t give you any attention tonight?” He certainly had all of Violet’s attention but you weren’t complaining about that.

He hummed finally turning to look at you.

“Yes.”

Remind you to never let this boy get drunk again, you cannot deal with his moodiness again.

Letting out a deep sigh you put your head on his shoulder and stared forward, you were too tired for this conversation right now and analysing what it all meant.

You could feel his neck tense as he stayed with his head facing you. He stared at you for a long moment before you began feel uncomfortable.

Moving away from his you looked at him with a glare.

“What now Remus?”

If this boy started again you were actually going to slap him, it was nearly 2am you didn’t have the energy for this right now.

“You’re beautiful.” He stared at you with an intense look, furrowing his brows giving you a small smile. “You’ve always been beautiful.”

You could feel your cheeks burning and your mouth softly part open in shock.

What?

“Remus, I-”

There was suddenly a loud bang coming from behind you both before you heard glass shattering. You both turned around to try and look into the kitchen through the sliver of the ajar door.

“Wormtail, I’m blaming this on you.” You heard Sirius say.

“What, no way.” Peter responded.

You heard shuffling next to you and by the time you’d turned around Remus was gone and you could hear his voice in the kitchen.

You slumped harshly back into the sofa.

What was that.

Remus thought you were beautiful, in fact apparently he’d always thought that. Was this a sign of sorts, was he trying to signal anything to you?

Surely it had to mean something? Boys don’t go around telling girls these things unless they truly meant them.

You could feel your face involuntarily turn into a smile, and your cheeks were beginning to hurt as you stared down at you hands in shock.

He thought you were pretty.

Oh god, he had to stop doing this. Dating Violet and then telling you these things, you had no idea what it all meant. It was just confusing, especially when you were supposed to be just best friends.

Your thoughts were suddenly interrupted when Lily sat down next to you, her head on your shoulder.

“Hey gorgeous, what’s got you smiling like that?” There was a teasing smile on her face as you looked over at her.

Act cool. It doesn’t mean anything.

Well it could mean something. Did it mean something?

“Nothing, just thinking about stuff.”

You didn’t want to mention it and get your hopes up if it wasn’t anything special.

She hummed. You could never hide anything from Lily, she had this ability of reading you the way no one else but Remus could and you could tell she wanted to ask about him since she must have seen you both talking.

But she didn’t say anything. Wrapping her hands around your upper arm she brought her legs up and splayed them across your lap and began ranting about James and his antics.

You smiled.

Of course. She could also tell when you didn’t want to talk about things and knew exactly how to move on swiftly and avoid the topic of conversation. How you went without her for 16 years you’ll never know.

So for now you’ll sit and listen to her talk about James, but you know that your not truly listening, your is mind elsewhere.

But you couldn’t wait to reap your shares of the group bet at the end of the year when she and James finally get together.

Sweet victory awaits.

—

“When is it?!”

Hearing squeals you looked up from your notebook. Marlene, Lily and Mary and sat down around you, throwing their bags on the table.

“Sorry, what?”

“I can’t believe we didn’t hear it from you, we’re supposed to be your closest friends.” Lily said with a huff.

Okay, now you were really confused.

“Hear what from me?”

Marlene rolled her eyes before responding.

“The date. With Alexander.”

There was a smug chuckle next to you from Mary.“See I knew there was something more there than what you said.”

Oh, the date. If you were honest you had forgotten about it until now.

“Yes.” You said in a caution voice. “Alex asked me on a date.”

“Oh it’s Alex now is it?” Lily had a smirk on her face.

“When is it?”

“I don’t really know, I think he said Friday.” Taking a bite of your sandwich you shrugged. All you wanted was to eat your lunch in peace, the great hall had finally quieted down since everyone had now left for the courtyard.

“You don’t know for sure?! This is a travesty. Why aren’t you more excited about this?” You couldn’t keep up with Marlene’s intense questioning. “This is Alexander Cromwell asking you on a date. I mean do you know how many girls are crushing on him?”

“Ummm… no I don’t. I don’t even really know how it happened. We were just talking at Jack’s party and it just happened. I honestly forgot about it.”

“You’ll have to make this up to us later for not telling us as soon as it happened.

At this point Marlene was more excited than you were about it. If she liked him so much why didn’t she go out and date him.

“Wait, how did you guys hear about this if I didn’t tell you?”

“Well, we heard from Lory who heard from Anna who heard from her boyfriend Jack who heard it from the man himself.”

You could feel Lily’s stare on the side of your face. Her unspoken question lingered in the air. ‘What about Remus?’ You didn’t want to speak about it. Which probably wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism but it was the way you were dealing with it.

Thinking too hard about your feelings for Remus could literally make it feel as if your heart could shatter. The line between friends and more than that was so blurred between you. Sometimes he would treat you in a way that had you smiling all week, and making your heart feel as if it could beat out of your chest.

Other times it cemented what you really were. ‘We’re just friends.’ was a comment you had heard him say more times than you could imagine. It was very clear to you when he would ditch you for Violet, or the fact that he didn’t come and see you during the full moons anymore.

You had been pushing your feelings as deep down as you could, but you couldn’t help but feel like this was a what if that would only ever be that. Ironic how there are 8 billion people in the world and you’ve managed to fall in love with the one person that would never love you back.

Letting out a nervous chuckle you responded. “Merlin. That’s a lot of people.” You could feel you face heat.

Lily’s pensive stare eventually turned into a question. “Are you excited about the date?”

It was a good question actually. Are you excited about the date?

Speaking to Alex the whole night of that party was the most memorable moment of the night. You could still remember how you felt when his arm brushed yours and the smiles he would shoot you.

And it didn’t help that he was ridiculously good looking. He had sharp features, a strong jaw and piercing eyes. He was quite the opposite to Remus. Where he had fierce look to him whilst Remus had softer features. He was loud and outgoing whereas Remus was quiet and reserved.

It didn’t make sense but oddly in a way it did. You need to reach out of your comfort zone and grow, and potentially that had to be away from your childhood friend.

“I think so. I mean he makes me laugh and he’s so cute. It’s all just exciting.” You could feel yourself become giddy. Maybe a part of you was happy about this date. After all your bad luck in the romantic department maybe this was your gift for waiting.

Lily’s face scrunched slightly for a moment before it turned into a smile.

“Good. You deserve it.”

You smiled back, ignoring the voice in the back of your mind.

—

The date went well. In fact it went better than you could’ve imagined.

There was not a moment that night where you didn’t stop talking, and even thinking about it put a grin on your face.

You also had had your first kiss that Friday. He had walked you home after that date, said goodbye and kissed you under the willow tree outside your dorm. Hidden under the view of all the droopy leaves, it was almost perfect.

Although it didn’t happen with the person you had wanted it to happen with the most, it was still good. Alex was sweet and kind and you almost couldn’t imagine it have happening with someone else.

Lily had forced it all out of you the moment you had stepped through the door, a smile on your face. Even though she had ruined your night by mentioning Remus. She was till weary of your feelings, with good reason, but you couldn’t go the rest of your life being weary about moving on.

Sitting in the common room, you were fiddling with the pages of the book you were reading led across the sofa, your legs crossed over at your ankles. Your mind had been in the clouds recently, I mean you did have a lot to think about.

Like for example, currently you were sat not paying attention to your book or the conversation your were supposedly a part of.

The marauders were sat on the opposing sofa with Remus sat in the arm chair by your head.

“Hey, stop pretending to read and pay attention.” Your were rudely interrupted from your thoughts by Remus knocking on the sofa closest to your head.

“Urgh if I have too.” You groaned and turned to your side leaning all your weight onto your elbow placing your book down on the table in front of you.

“What were you thinking so hard about then chief.” You hated this nickname. James had given it to you after you had taken charge of your herbology group project. It’s not your fault he’s a lazy bastard who doesn’t do anything you tell him to.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw two hands about to come down on the back of the sofa. They slammed down and Marlene leaning forward.

“Probably about Alex, and their date, and how romantic he is and what a good kisser he is.” She teased you.

She and Lily came around and sat down on either side of you whilst you sat up. You could feel your cheeks burning. This was not a conversation you wanted to have now. You had not told Remus about it yet, you had blocked that thought from your mind. If you had told him all you would done in the back of your mind would compare the night to what he would’ve done if the date was with him.

The shock on their faces was clear.

“You went on a date?” Peter muttered out, his eyes wide.

“By Merlin��s beard. Really? I thought that was just a rumour.” Sirius leaned back in his chair and smirked at you.

“With Alexander Cromwell? You said you were just friends.” Remus finally spoke out.

You finally met his gaze. His brows were furrowed a tense look on his face.

“Yeah, we were. It kind of just happened.” You scrunched your nose with a smile.

His jaw clenched tightly.

“It just happened. How does something like that just happen?” His voice was dark, he was not happy.

He should be happy for you, I mean he has Violet and you had no one. This is something Remus should encourage.

“I don’t know, we’ve spoken a couple times and it was good so we just went for it.”

What was his problem? You chuckled nervously and look around seeing Sirius and Lily staring intensely at Remus with their brows furrowed.

“When did it happen?” His frown deepened.

Fuck. Looking around you could see the awkward expressions on everyone’s faces, you almost wanted to die on the spot.

Luckily for you, Marlene responded instead. “A lady never kisses and tells Remus, come on you should know this by now.”

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Why was he doing this right here, right now.

“Yeah Remus, you don’t hear all about the feathers I’ve ruffled.” Sirius gave his input, you could tell he was attempting to ease the awkward tension and with Lily’s response the conversation moved on from your date.

“It’s all I hear about thank you very much. Sirius did this, Sirius is an ass, etc etc.”

He let out an exaggerated laugh. “What lies, I am a very nice gentleman for your information.”

Everyone began giving their input and you finally started to relax, slouching into yourself and refusing to look at Remus.

His stare was obvious along with his disapproval, and no matter for how long you refused to meet his stare you could feel him looking at you every so often with that frown you knew too well.

This wasn’t quite the reception you were expecting from him.

But you decided to do what you always do, which is ignoring your problems, so you kept your gaze forward.

You wouldn’t meet his eyes and you will most definitely pretend like it was no big deal.

No big deal at all.

—

The year had now passed by quite quickly, Easter was approaching and you finally had the chance to go home soon. Finally a change to get away from Remus.

Things had been weird between you two, there was this underlying tension that you didn’t know how to break, ever since you had started dating Alex.

Remus hated him and he constantly made this know. His behaviour often made its way into your late night thoughts. You would lie under your covers, your hand under your head think about him and he had been acting these past couple months.

The behaviour he was displaying would usually incline a girl to believe that he liked them, and the way he acted towards Alex was intriguing.

It was things like this that would get your hopes up, it would make you believe that there was a chance that he would return your feelings. However, his relationship with Violet would indicate otherwise. They had gotten back to get her around November time and had been together since.

These mixed signals he was sending you made your head spin. It would also cause waves of overwhelming guilt to wash over you. Alex was a great guy, he was smart and funny and you got along great, but there was something that was missing. A spark, a feeling, just something. You couldn’t help but ignore the fact that the thing that was really the problem were your feelings for Remus.

Lily had voiced her concern several times about this issue and you had shut the conversation down every time and ran away. It felt humiliating talking about it with her, especially when she had James in the palm of her hand. She was beautiful and a genius could have just about anybody had she ever wanted too.

It was different, she never had to deal with the pains of unrequited love.

Being with Alex was a distraction you welcomed, he took your mind off of Remus and it was good. You didn’t have to think about the pain of it anymore, it made it easier to bury it deep down. They were different enough that you couldn’t really compare the two, which helped a lot. If you had dated a Remus 2.0 you would not have been able to handle it.

Alex did however play quidditch which was a massive distinction the two boys and you were currently on your way to one of his matches. It was Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw tonight which was kind of a conflict of interest.

All of your friends were Gryffindor, as were you, so you were kind of a traitor considering you were cheering for Ravenclaw. However, this factor did mean that you could never lose, if Gryffindor won your house had succeed and if Ravenclaw won your boyfriend had succeed.

You were currently putting on a Ravenclaw scarf that Alex had asked you to wear, it was his. It was almost a way of claiming you were his and the concept of it was very adorable.

Initially he had asked you to wear a version of the robes he would wear in the matches but you thought that might be a bit too much and tip your friends over the edge, so you settled for wearing his scarves. The deep purple was a bright contrast against Gryffindor’s colours so you stuck out like a sore thumb but at least he could always see you when he was playing.

Lily and you were currently on your way to the stadium, hand in hand you had left your accommodation and were chatting along the way. The group had all decided to meet before hand and walk to the stadium together, that referred to all of you that didn’t play - which was everyone but James and Sirius.

You were currently approaching the meeting spot and you could see Marlene and Mary were already there.

“Hey guys!” They both waved at you as you walking up to them.

“Hey! Where’s Remus and Peter?” Lily had asked in a curious tone. She hated the cold and was eager to get to the stadium.

Well that was the reason she had told you but personally you think she may have an ulterior motive. Potentially her eagerness wasn’t linked to the cold but perhaps for a certain someone that she wanted to see.

Mary shrugged noncommittally. “I think they should be on their way, I mean they’re usually on time.”

“Well they’re here now so we can probably get going.”

You could see the two boys behind her shoulder, so you nodded you chin upwards with your gaze on them.

You all started walking towards them, meeting in the middle and saying your hellos.

“As much as I love this chitchat, can we please go, I feel like my hands are about to freeze off.”

“Alright, alright let’s go grumpy.” You chuckled as the six of you began your trek over.

Remus had coincidentally ended up next to you, and you both walked in stride along the pavement.

“What are you wearing?” He said your name in disgust. He was referring to your scarf, he did this every single match without fail.

“A scarf.” You played dumb because you were so done with this conversation.

“You are a Gryffindor you know.” There was a pointed look on his face as he tugged gently on one end of your purple scarf.

“Because my boyfriend is a Ravenclaw and I support my boyfriend in his endeavours.”

He let out a groan. “But you’ve never liked quidditch, I always had to drag you to these matches before.”

“I never had a reason to go before.”

Remus rolled his eyes so hard you were sure they were going to get stuck like that.

“Here we go again. I still just don’t understand why you don’t like him.”

Letting out a tut he responded. “He just gets on my nerves.”

“Sure uh huh, because that’s definitely the reason.”

He let out a huff and was quiet for the remainder of the walk to the stadium and as you took your seats in your house’s box.

Overall the game was a tense two hours, with the whole school on the edge of their seats. This was a long awaited game.

Ultimately Ravenclaw pulled through and won after the long match, neither of the teams had been able to catch the golden snitch.

As they had scored the last goal you jumped up and let a loud cheer. You heard booing behind you and you turned around to see pointed glares at you. Shrinking in to yourself you gave everyone sheepish smiles.

Well, at least Alex had won, right?

You all had began walking down towards the pitch, attempting to push past the throngs of people.

“Stop smiling, it’s annoying me.”

“Shut up Mary, it’s okay not everyone wins every time.” You smirked at her. She gave you a playful push and you stumbled into Remus’ arm. You looked up at him and he had a deadpan look on his face.

Your name was called loudly.

Spinning around you attempted to find where it was coming from.

It was shouted again.

Before you knew it Alex was in front of you and had planted a fast one on you. His hand was on the back of your head as he gave you a long kiss.

You heard an annoyed sigh coming from behind you and you decidedly ignored it knowing that it came from Remus.

Eventually, you managed to pull away from Alex. He gave you a massive hug, his sweaty body all over you.

“We won.” He had a grin on his face, his eyes sparkling. It was moments like this where you looked back at him and you felt so guilty because you knew that you could never return his feelings they way that he deserved.

You let out a breathless chuckle. “I know, I saw.” Giving him a a big smile you pushed his hair out of his face. “You played really great.”

“I had a special girl I was trying to impress in the crowd.” With a smirk on his face he leaned in to kiss you again.

Pulling away, your hand slid down from his arm to his hand. You see, Alex was a big fan of pda and unfortunately you were not. You didn’t know if it was because of the fact you didn’t have very strong feelings for him or because you just didn’t like it all together but he was a big fan of it.

He loved giving you long kisses and having his hand on you as often as he could and whilst you appreciated it, Remus’ glares on the back of your head every time stuff like this happened was clear and made you very very uncomfortable.

In fact you could feel his stare deep in the back of your head at this moment.

“Alright, alright. We get it you won, no need to show off.”

James had walked up to us in this time and gave Alex a firm pat on the back along the way.

Alex wasn’t the gloating type but you knew this match had meant a lot to him. Why this one specifically you don’t know, but it was something he was very passionate about.

“No hard feelings right, Potter?” He gave the Gryffindor boy a playful grin, his eyes lighting up. He was like the human version of a puppy.

James gave Alex a deadpan look as the corners of his mouth begun to turn upwards. Before he could smile fully he looked down towards the floor and gave a playful scoff.

“Shut up.” He muttered loud enough for us to hear.

As much as the marauders hated to admit it, Alex was a great guy. You knew how much they respected Remus but you could tell they disagreed with his feelings about your boyfriend, and each one shared a wholesome friendship with him.

Your herd of friends were currently waiting for Sirius, the boy had a habit of being late. Everywhere. His habit normally had something to do with a girl, and if he was late after a quidditch match it was definitely to do with a girl. He was seeing someone called Marcy at the moment and your top guess was that he was caught up with her.

“So did you want to do something now, or later?” You looked back at Alex after you had finished scanning your surroundings.

You were both currently holding both of each others hands, with him leaning back and forth into you and away from you, whilst his bag was on the ground next to you.

Looking up at him you gave him a shrug and kissed your teeth before responding.

“I don’t really know, what do you want to do?”

“It’s up to you.”

This boy. He knew exactly what he was doing.

“Don’t do this to me.” He smirked at you whilst his thumbs began rubbing along the sides of your hands in a calming motion.

“What ever you want to do is good.”

“Stop, you know how indecisive I am, I can’t decide. I don’t mind so you pick, please.”

Furrowing your brows you scrunched your nose and looked at him whilst tilting your head.

After a moment of you both staring each other down he smiled and began to tut at you.

“Fineee. I’ll choose, you know it’s very tiring having to hold the weight of these decisions everytime.”

“Shush now.”

“I’m sorry.” He leaned in and pecked your lips. “We can go to a restaurant and grab some food now?”

You quietly let out a long hum and furrowed your brows.

“Okay. Or we can go back to yours, watch a movie and order food in. Ares can go grab it.”

This time you let out a short hum and smiled. Ares was Alex’s owl, you loved that little guy. Particularly, when he would travel all the way for the city to get you food and come back.

“Alright.” He pulled you in for a hug and wrapped his arms tightly around your shoulders, pinning your arms to your sides and reducing a majority of your movement. “And you say I make all the decisions in this relationship.” He kissed the top of your head.

You scoffed and pulled away from him before smacking his chest with the back of your hand.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s a two way street lady, what just happened here then, right now.”

He had a point. But technically without him giving you the options you couldn’t have mutually decided which one you wanted to do.

“It was a mutual agreement, you ass.”

You let out a loud, dramatic breathe before playfully rolling your eyes. Leaning down you grabbed his bag and shoved it into his chest and stepped away from him before turning around to speak to everyone else.

“Umm, we’re going home. So we’ll see you guys tomorrow, right?”

Raising your eyebrows you let out a meek smile. Firstly, because Lily will hate you for ‘leaving her here alone with these idiots’, aka James Potter, alone.

Secondly, because you cannot stand to see Katie Jelson pine after Remus. She had recently began to tag along with your group when Remus was there and Merlin, she looked at him like he had hung the stars in the sky.

Is that how you look at him- looked at him. Reflecting back on your fifth year it must have been so obvious. All you could think about was if he pretended to not know about and ignore your feelings for him like he was doing to Katie.

Did he also complain about you to the marauders as he was doing with Katie.

It was humiliating, looking back there was no way he couldn’t have known. At least you had Alex this year as a distraction so help you move away from your love for your childhood friend.

You felt terrible, leading the boy on. It was selfish and you were a horrible person, and you knew that. Lily knew that.

But you ignored it, you ignored the guilty feeling when he smiled at you. The nagging voice in the back of your head when he kissed you. And you too, like Remus, pretended you didn’t notice. It was easier than having to acknowledge the harsh realities of his non existent feelings for you.

“I’m sorry, what do you mean your going home?” Lily instantly gave her disappointed gaze, God you felt sorry for her future children if they had to deal with that. At least you could bond with your future nieces and nephews about it, hey?

“Alex is really tired from the game- ” Said person pinched your hip as he knew you were lying. “-so we’re going to watch a movie and get some food in.”

Caught in a staring match with her you didn’t see Sirius walk up next to you.

“Aw yes. I don’t think I could go another second out here, ordering food in sounds like a great idea.”

His hair was ruffled and he had a suspicious red mark beginning to form behind his ear that you, and you assumed Alex, could see whilst stood next to him.

“No, Sirius it was just-” Alex joined in and began to defend your plans together.

“No it sounds like a great plan, let’s go.”

Remus had interrupted you and when you looked towards him, he was already looking at you. Well rather he had his hard gaze directed towards your boyfriends hand on you hip.

Again no matter how long you had been with Alex, Remus would always find be moody and find something to glare at. Alex however, no matter how hard you tried to avoid the pda in front of your fellow werewolf, would always end up doing something to piss Remus off.

It was an endless cycle. Frankly, you couldn’t tell which one of them started it and you didn’t want to have to have to choose between because you knew your answer.

You knew who you would pick.

You didn’t even have to think about it.

Both of you began protesting telling your friends it was okay, they really didn’t have to join.

Lily gave you a smug smile. “Nonsense, I’ve gotten quite tired of not spending any time with my best friend.”

“Lily.”

“Alright everyone let’s go. Our humble abode awaits.”

—

Looking back on that night, it had been a weird one.

Lily and Remus had both been acting particularly weird and you couldn’t tell why - for either of them.

Neither of them would let you or Alex retreat to your room, both adamant on keeping you in the living room with everyone else.

Remus specifically was very against it, you don’t know why. You and Alex weren’t going to do anything in particular in your bedroom, but anytime you got up his gaze would dart to your conjoined hands and his jaw would clench before protesting.

You were both just tired and wanted to sleep, he had had a long match and well you, you were literally just tired. There was no funny business happening there.

Anyways that long night had since passed and it was the beginning of summer.

The summer before your last year at Hogwarts and the nostalgia had began to hit you. You were currently sat on a rock on the side of the hill you and your friends were on.

The sun was beginning to set and the view. Well, you had never in your life ever seen anything so gorgeous.

You took a deep breath in before exhaling slowly, shutting your eyes for a moment.

It has been a long year, one that you’d hoped to forget. With Alex and Remus’ weird rivalry and then Remus’ fangirls. Lily’s weird behaviour and well… really just everything.

You heard soft steps moving towards you as some one situated themselves next to you.

“Hey.”

It was Remus, you could tell from his deep voice.

“Hi.”

You kept your eyes closed.

“Whatcha doing here, by yourself?”

Keeping a neutral expression you replied. “Just thinking about stuff.”

“About what?”

You opened your eyes and stopped leaning back in your hands, sitting up straight. Pulling your knees into your chest, you wrapped your arms tightly around your legs whilst placing your head on you knees and faced him.

“How much of an idiot all of my friends are.”

He smiled and scrunched his nose. Since it had gotten warmer and was now summer he had more freckles appearing on his cheeks, a new one under his eye and another on the tip of his nose.

“Hey, that’s what we were all thinking about you.”

You chuckled and raised your brows at him. “Sure, sure.”

He moved closer towards you and glanced at your face.

“So, where you going this summer? You leaving me alone again then?” His cheeky smile lit up his whole face, all but his eyes. You knew him so well you knew all of his expressions, bad and good.

“Nowhere actually. I told my mum I was staying here for the summer. Needed to spend time with my best friends.”

“Did you mention me? That was probably what convinced her.”

Your mum loved Remus. You don’t know why particularly, well you knew why you liked him, wasn’t too sure about your mum though. But he dangled this fact above your head as often as you could and it drew you mad.

“Yes definitely, that was the main reason why.” You gave him a mocking smile and looked down at the rock you were sat on, scratching your nails on it.

He was the reason why you were staying, he couldn’t fault you for for lying there.

“Shush, you really staying then?”

“Of course.”

The smile he gave you was one of the smiles that made you fall in love with him, it was so pure and innocent. He looked unburdened by the stress of his secret. He looked beautiful.

“Alright then. We can finally do everything I had planned to do last year. Do you still like the beach?”

You answered him and he smiled letting out a laugh.

“Of course, who doesn’t like the beach?”

“Sirius.” You chorused together with a smile.

“The sand gives his delicate skin a rash, you know.”

His comment made you laugh loudly.

God, you had missed this. Your banter had kind of died down the last couple of months, the both of you had been caught up with school and hadn’t had the chance to catch up with one another.

And that was were you both remained for the rest of the night.

Until the sun disappeared and the starts shone brightly you both sat on that rock and talked for hours, your friends leaving you both to your own devices.

It was something you had missed greatly, missed him.

The summer was going to be good. You had Lily and Marlene. All the marauders, Remus. You had to make the most of it all while it lasted.

“Look- a shooting star. Make a wish”

Hours had gone by since you had both started speaking and you hadn’t even noticed the sun go down until the boy sitting next to you had pointed it out.

You closed your eyes and made your wish.

When you opened them again Remus’ wide gaze was on you.

“What’d you wish for?” He asked you this every time and every time you had the same answer.

“If I tell you it won’t come true.”

Then he would complain about it and say that wishing on a star was just a concept, not magic related.

Then you would interject that folk tradition says that shooting stars are when gods have their eyes on Earth; they listen to people's wishes and make them come true.

He would then say ‘God’s aren’t real’, and you would argue that ‘if magic is real, why can’t God’s be?’

This debate then could last hours between the two of you but it would never get old.

Your wish had been that that night wouldn’t never end. Sadly the sun listens to no one and rose again the next morning. However, you had no recollection of how you’d gotten home or in your bed or who had tucked you in.

But you remembered a featherlight kiss on your forehead and someone stroking your hair before you fell into a deep sleep.

And you definitely remembered the smile on your face as you drifted off.

part 3

tag list:

@diorgirl444 @starkluvrr @theweasleyskettle @milkteeboba @blakeblue01 @starqwerty20 @iluvfetuszarry @raindropstearsandtea @katsuniverse @middle-of-the-earth @speedunkle @mypeace4 @garfieldsladybird @welnasynchbest @marauders-eras @4rt3m1ss @aki-chan-20 @poetsneil @stained-tea-cup @hawkinsavclub1983 @spxcekru @stars-havefallen

-

[ihavemanyhusbands]

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Bloody

PART THREE: VIOLENT DELIGHTS

Part One // Part Two // Mini-Series Masterlist

Also on AO3

Pairing: Cooper Howard/The Ghoul x Fem!Bounty Hunter!Reader

WC: 4.9k words

Chapter Summary: The climax, in more than one sense of the word. Justice is finally served, and all the other pieces fall into place.

Warnings: MINORS DNI, THIS FIC IS 18+, canon typical violence, some descriptions of blood and gore, arson, drug use (chem called Buffout), implied mutual pining, smut, fingering, unprotected p in v (dont do it at home), radiated creampie (there’s RadAway dw lol), dirty talking, dom/sub dynamics, multiple orgasms, aaaaaaaaaand that’s all i can think about rn but lmk if i missed anything!

---------

Sounds in the middle of the night, a distant clamor that sharpened into voices as you regained consciousness. You sat up, disoriented and wide-eyed. The ghoul crouched nearby, immediately alert, hand on his holster.

“What’s–”

He put a finger to his lips, fixing you with a glare and a slight shake of his head. Dread immediately curdled in your stomach. Ever so slowly, you lifted yourself onto a crouch, grabbing your crossbow. 

Moonlight faintly filtered through a window caked with years of dirt and grime. The near complete darkness made the shadowed objects around the room morph into ominous, bulky shapes, exacerbating your fear. There was a momentary silence, in which both of you stayed still, listening.

The two of you had holed up for the night on the top floor of another dilapidated building. It sat on the outskirts of what used to be Shady Sands, a town that had been re-bombed years prior. The risk of running into trouble was much higher, as there was a lot more foot traffic. There was still plenty to scavenge, after all. 

And not only did you have to worry about mutants or raiders, but also knights of the Brotherhood of Steel. One of their bases was closer than you’d like, and you’d heard the rumble of their choppers in the distance while you skirted the enormous crater where the city once stood.

According to the ghoul, you were only a few days away from Axl’s main compound. Without either of you acknowledging it, you’d slowed down the pace. The moments of silent companionship stretched like lingering summer sunsets, and yet somehow, they were still not long enough. At times, you even felt the same way you’d felt at the outcrop, bordering on serene. 

It seemed surreal that your destiny was just within reach. Though you had been preparing for years, letting grief and rage carry you through even the toughest obstacle, you felt hesitancy for the first time. A part of you did not want to face the stark reality of it quite yet, not knowing how things would go down once you got to your destination.

 It wasn’t necessarily that you had a fear of death – you lived so closely with it that you didn’t flinch at its inevitability. Only at its abject cruelty; The way it striked indiscriminately, with disregard for those left behind. 

What you worried about was living through the whole ordeal and coming out the other side alone. The ghoul had no fealty to you, much less… attachment. You’d fooled around a couple more times throughout the journey, but it was all carnal pleasure – a lesson that your body was not just an instrument of brutality and survival. You’d let yourself become soft and pliable, like putty in his hands.

But that wasn’t to say he was tender, necessarily. There’d been no kisses between you – though you sought them in earnest – and he had not yet taken you, as he put it. His biting remarks weren’t nearly as sharp anymore, though, and you’d caught him being more protective of you. Not to mention, he always made sure you were never lacking RadAway.

For your part… You thought it was gentleness you felt, though you still couldn’t quite put a name to the way you were feeling. Perhaps just comfort was enough to describe it, interestingly enough. 

Barks of laughter sounded a little clearer, reminding you of the situation at hand. A few crashes followed, like things were being thrown about. It definitely sounded like they were inside the building, you realized with growing terror. How close were they? And how many of them?

“I should go give these visitors a warm welcome, don’tcha think?” the ghoul whispered, unholstering his gun. “It’s only polite.”

“Don’t you mean we?” You whispered back.

“No, y’ain’t comin’ with. I don’t need you getting in the way,” he said as he stood up. “Not many places to hide up here, so you best start lookin’.”

“You can’t just make m–” You started to protest, also standing up, but in two silent strides, he was right in front of you, holding your chin firmly.

For the briefest second, he seemed to be debating something. His eyes searched yours as if he would find the answer there. Another crash, most likely on the floor just below, and his lips thinned into a grim line as he made up his mind. 

“Listen…” he said, no time to waste. “The name’s Cooper. Holler it if you need help. Keep an eye out, but don’t let anyone see you.”

With that, he let go of you and slipped out of the room, not looking back once. You stood there for a moment, dumbstruck, his name rattling around your head like a pinball. 

But you had to shake yourself out of it, quickly scanning your surroundings for a place to hide. He’d been right about there not being many options, but you hadn’t realized there were virtually none at all in that room.

Except… there was a broken window on the far wall, and you avoided stepping on shards of glass as you made your way over. Right outside, there was a rusted fire escape, ladders leading up and down. 

You leaned out of the windowsill and looked up at the night sky, spotting the big and little dippers. It was lucky that the moon was almost full, not leaving you completely blind. You swung one leg over the windowsill and begged the stars – anything up there that could be listening – that the fire escape didn’t collapse under you.

It groaned slightly as you lowered yourself onto it, making you wince, but thankfully it was pretty sturdy. Still, you tried not to think too much about the height, stifling the vertigo that threatened to creep in. It was then that you heard yelling, accompanied by a barrage of gunshots. You felt a sharp pang of worry for Cooper, but you knew he could hold his own.

Out in the open, you were even less safe, but while you couldn’t really see anyone down below, you knew better than to descend. So, you used the more precarious ladder to ascend instead. Muscles tense as it shook and rattled, your palms sweating, but it held your weight. 

Breathlessly hauling yourself onto the rooftop, you first made sure you were alone before lying on your stomach near the edge, crossbow ready. The scuffle continued below, and you hoped all the noise didn’t attract even more unwanted guests. 

Time seemed to take a liquid form as you waited, slipping through your grasp unnoticed, your focus on the unrelenting night. The animal instinct to survive had kicked in, blocking out your fear and slowing your heartbeat down. 

Your father’s patient voice was at the back of your head. “Remember, when it comes down to it, calm and focus is what it takes. You’re more likely to make a mistake otherwise, a deadly one.”

Suddenly, a whistle rang out – a high note shortening into a low one. You didn’t move at first, but then you adjusted your position slightly to try and get a better look at the source. A head poked out of the broken window below, and your finger was instantly on the trigger.

Cooper raised his hands in mock surrender, an amused, sly grin on his face. Your muscles immediately relaxed as you exhaled the breath you’d been holding.

“Jus’ me, cowpoke,” he drawled. “It’s clear now. Get your ass down here before I come get you.” 

You found yourself smiling with relief as you put your weapon away, climbing down the ladder with less care than when you were going up. You stumbled into him as you dropped back onto the fire escape, losing your balance. 

“Woah, easy there,” he said, steadying you but keeping you close. “Y’really missed me that much, darlin’? I was only gone for an hour.”

You shoved away from him, rolling your eyes. You noticed he was splattered with blood, some having transferred onto your clothes. None of it seemed to belong to him, though, which was another small relief. 

“How many?” You asked, deflecting his question. 

“Too many for my likin’, and y’know I like myself a crowd,” he said. “Most of ‘em had Axl’s brand, others seemed like newbies. Fuckin’ amateurs, all of ‘em.”

You swallowed with bitter distaste as you heard that name. Surely the death of a group of his men wouldn’t go unnoticed, so that meant you had less time to make a move. The two of you had discussed some plans of attack, but you hadn’t chosen any course of action yet.

You thought of the bottles of Buffout you’d scored in Filly, unbeknownst to him. You’d gotten them as a last resort, not stupid enough to believe the two of you would be able to take on a whole compound of raiders just as you were.

You crossed your arms over your chest. “What now?”

“We loot ‘em, and then we get a move on as soon as dawn comes.”

“No rest for the wicked,” you sighed, even if you were no longer tired.

“Ain’t that the truth,” he chuckled. “But you were a good girl tonight, listenin’ to my orders.”

You bit down a grin and climbed in through the window so he couldn’t see the flustered look on your face. He checked the hallway as you gathered the rest of your stuff, and then you followed him out of the room, unable to stop the warmth spreading in your chest.

“Cooper?” You whispered, barely wanting to disturb the silence. “Thank you, again.”

Silence hung for a moment, and you thought he wouldn’t respond at all. 

“That’s twice now,” he said, glancing over his shoulder at you. “Don’t think I’ll forget your debt after all this.”

That warmth exploded into fireworks and oh, you knew you were doomed either way.

—-----------------------------------

The compound was larger than you’d imagined, visible from a great distance. As soon as you’d crested the hill, you’d felt like a stone dropped into your stomach. The sun had set an hour ago, so the cover of darkness was to your advantage. No turning back now. 

But before Cooper could take another step forward, you grasped his arm without thinking. He frowned as he looked down at your hand, then up at your face.

“Y’ain’t havin’ second thoughts, are ya?” He asked. “Little too late for that nonsense.”

You shook your head. “It’s not that, it’s just… maybe we need to reassess our strategy before we do anything hasty. I could use some more rest, too and–”

“Quit it,” he snapped. “What’s the matter with you? You anxious?”

How could I not be? You thought to yourself. You were braced for a fight, itching for it, even. It had made sleeping impossible the previous nights, no matter how much Cooper had tried to force you to rest. The constellations in the sky seemed to brighten the closer you got to the compound; Guiding the way, granting you strength.

But you wanted one more moment with him, just as you were then. So you gave into foolishness, pulling him in as you stood on your tiptoes to bring your lips to his. He flinched, surprised, gripping you in return. You were ready for him to shove you away, but when he didn’t, you placed a hand on his chest.

His lips were chapped, but not unpleasant. Warm, too, and set firmly at the first delicate brush of your lips. You heard a grunt low in his throat as he felt the tip of your tongue swiping at his bottom lip, coaxing, and it was then he snapped out of his shock. 

The way he kissed you was rough and hungry, with a certain desperation you knew he would never admit out loud. Your tongues tangled, exploring each other’s mouths – though, truly, his was dominating yours. He gripped your hair, keeping you from escaping, even if it was the last thing you wanted to do.

But before you could get too deep into the kiss – reaching another point of no return – he pulled back, searching your face. Felt fire in his loins as he saw the glazed look of desire in your eyes, but he had to bat it away for the time being.

“Should’ve jus’ said you were needy,” he murmured. “But then again, you always are.”

A faint smile at his teasing, but he noticed the turmoil beneath. “Cooper...”

He let go of you, sobering up and slipping back into his usual prickly demeanor. The times called for it after all; He knew you needed that strength, too. He cleared his throat and glanced back at the compound, trying to think. An idea suddenly came to mind, and he couldn’t help a lopsided grin.

“I say we burn the whole place to the ground,”  he said, tilting his head towards it. “And when they’re runnin’ around like chickens with their heads cut off, I’ll carve you a path towards him in the chaos.”

You froze, eyes widening, momentarily unsure of what to say. “I thought you said you had business with him, too.”

He shrugged, looking away. “You’ll settle the score for the both of us.”

The enormity of this statement — this unspoken gift — rocked you to your core, making you take an involuntary step forward. You thought to reach out to take his gloved hand, a rare sob clogging your throat, but you knew it would ruin the moment. 

You would find a way to thank him later, when all was said and done. 

—————————————

It was both fortunate and unfortunate that the raiders had stocked up on so much fuel. To them, it was most likely a precious commodity. To you, well… It was merely a means to an end — A conveniently deadly one. 

In the darkest hour of night, Cooper had slipped into the encampment, silent as a shadow. You decided to knock back some Buffout and wait for the mayhem to start. He’d told you to stay hidden until the fire had really taken, but you were already bouncing around impatiently, starting to feel the effects of the chem.

The sharp tang of the fuel reached you in the breeze, and you clasped the handle of his machete with a white knuckled grip. Though you had weapons, he’d insisted you carry it, just in case. It brought you some comfort to have it, as if it was an extension of him.

In the distance, there was the sound of a small explosion. You jumped, but didn’t make a move yet. Those within the encampment started to rise, their voices confused and alert. Every single one of your muscles were poised to run, your senses screaming at you to spring forward. Pupils fully dilated, mind sharper than ever. You briefly wondered if that was how prey drive must feel. Buffout’s no fucking joke.

Instead, you slowly skirted the perimeter, keeping to the shadows. The voices raised and beneath them, there was the dragging hiss of fire igniting, catching hold of everything in its path. 

Another explosion, this one much closer, if the subtly trembling earth was any indication. And so commenced the cacophony of chaos, though there was one word among the screams that you were able to distinguish – Ghoul!

The fire was rapidly spreading, so much so that you could feel its incandescent heat, sweat beading all over your face. Show time. You sprang up from your haunches and scurried to the nearest opening.

Things were blurry from then on. You had more than a few close brushes with certain death, but every time, without fail,  a whizzing bullet would be your salvation. But that wasn’t to say your machete went unused, blood spattering you like a warrior’s anointing. 

Axl’s main quarters were, unsurprisingly, harder to break into. Cooper took care of it, disposing of the raiders that were guarding their leader. The room was cramped with all sorts of loot, including hundreds of caps, perhaps more. Weapons, as well, and not to mention an assortment of Chems.

Axl himself was a large man with long, wild hair that was streaked with grey. He was wearing armor made of scraps and he was riddled with scars, one of his eyes missing. The one remaining glared at the two of you – just as mean mugged as you remembered – but he only seemed to recognize Cooper. 

“Surprised to see me?” Cooper said, grinning easily. “Suppose you were so cocksure I wouldn’t discover your ruse, sendin’ me on that wild goose chase.”

“It was a perfectly valid bounty, guess you just didn’t read the fine print.” Axl smiled cruelly in return, his eye returning to you as you took a step forward, teeth bared. “Who’s this bitch? Your guard dog?”

In the next moment, his knee exploded in a spray of blood and gore as Cooper shot him, ripping an agonized howl from his throat as he collapsed.

“Since nobody taught you any fuckin’ manners, I thought I might as well do it,” Cooper said, trying to sound bored despite the rage in his tone. 

“You stupid motherfucker! I’m gonna … Kill you for this!” Axl managed to growl, writhing on the floor in torment, pathetically trying to drag himself towards any nearby weapon.

Cooper ignored the threats and nodded towards you. “All yours, cowpoke. Best hurry now, fire’s still spreadin’.”

You held his gaze, hoping your eyes could communicate all you wanted to say. Things took a dreamlike quality, time narrowing down to that very moment. You nodded back, and there was the ghost of a smile on his face. You drifted forward, the past and the present intermingling in your mind. 

The memory of your father’s laughter. Years of adventures and survival and the foolish belief that you would always have each other. The startled look on his face as the bullet went straight through his jugular. How he’d pushed you to safety right before his body slumped over. The glimpse of his killer’s face, which had branded itself in your mind. 

Now, you had it in front of you once more, right where you wanted it. And not a hint of doubt clouded your mind.

You raised the machete over your head–

“This is for my father, you son of a bitch.”

– And swung it down in a swift, deadly arc.

—------------------------------------------------

You weren’t sure how you were walking, but you knew you needed to get a safe distance away from the burning encampment. Cooper held you to him as you trembled all over, adrenaline leaving your system in hot and cold waves.

“There, there, you’re alright,” he soothed, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “We’ll stop soon, I promise. Come down’s a bitch on that one, ain’t it?”

You nodded, having confessed to the Buffout earlier, cold sweat running down your back. “I feel like I need to sleep for a thousand years.” 

He chuckled. “I’ll give you a night, sweetheart. Maybe a couple, If I’m feelin’ generous. I ain’t done with you yet, remember?”

You peered up at him, one corner of your lips curling up in a smirk. “Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah,” he confirmed. “Matter of fact, I think it’ll take you those thousand years to repay all your debts.”

“I can start tonight.”

“Easy there, cowgirl. If I were you, I’d use my time wisely and rest,” he said pointedly. “You know I don’t play around.”

“Hmmm, I don’t know, Cooper. I’m still feeling pretty restless,” You said, lying through your teeth. Exhaustion ran deep, but that wouldn’t stop you from seeking him, eager to become soft once more. At his mercy. 

He hummed in thought, eyes flicking down to you, nonchalant. “Guess I might just have to put you to sleep, huh?”

You grinned, biting your lip and pressing yourself closer to his side. You found a small, rundown shack to hole up in, and he poked his head in to make sure there were no rad roaches or mole rats. 

There was barely enough space for the two of you, but you didn’t mind. He threw his coat on the floor and you set your stuff down before he was cornering  you. He tugged off his gloves, tossing them aside. 

“First thing’s first, gotta get you out of these filthy clothes,” he husked, hands settling on your hips, fingers slipping under the hem of your shirt.

He undressed you methodically, enjoying the slowness of it. Revealing more and more of that soft skin he loved to touch, and peeling away the brutality of the night. A hum of appreciation as his hands began to roam, tugging you closer and lowering you onto his coat in an all too familiar way. 

“Much better,” he murmured, feasting his eyes and making sure you were unharmed in equal measure. 

A few scrapes and bruises, but you’d live. He’d done a good job, all things considered. He let out a low, appreciative whistle, barely able to keep his hands to myself.

Your eyes were shiny with want as you looked up at him, lips parted, body taut with anticipation; Shuddering for an entirely different reason. His nails trailed up your thigh as he leaned forward, hovering over you.

“Well, ain’t you the gift that jus’ keeps on givin’?” he rasped, kissing a spot on your jaw just beneath your ear. “All mine to unwrap and play with.”

You nodded, moving your face so his lips would meet yours. But he held back with a tsk.

“Say it f’me, darlin’.”

“All yours,” you sighed, a teasing smile on your lips. “For the next a thousand years or so.”

“That so?” His hand came up to grasp your face. “We’ll see about that.”

He kissed you then, tongue invading your mouth, licking your upper lip in a way that had you whimpering. It was lazy and indulgent, his free hand slowly trailing down your front. 

The same hands that had caused so much destruction now coaxing a fire of a different kind. The night’s events were banished to the periphery of your mind, a languid haze taking over. 

And then his fingers reached their target, and he moaned into your mouth as he parted your slick folds and discovered just how wet you were. Unfurling like a flower at his touch, chest heaving, arching against his hand.

You keened as he plunged two fingers inside you, the pad of his thumb pressing against your clit. Drawing circles in that teasing way he knew would have you bucking under him.

“That’s it, nice and slow,” he husked, pulling back to look at your face. “Make those pretty sounds for me.”

It was hard to hold his gaze — much less focus — as he deftly managed to pump his fingers and move his thumb. Your brain nearly short circuited as he found a rhythm that had you dangerously close to the edge… but also left you craving more.

“Fuck,” you gasped, clutching the wrist of the hand that held your face, if only to anchor yourself to something. 

His grin was roguish. “Yeah? Gonna give me one like this?” 

You tried your best to keep it at bay, wanting to save it for the melding of your bodies, but he could feel the flutter around his fingers. 

“Please, I-I want your cock…” you pleaded. “I need you inside me.”

A soft chuckle to conceal the low groan in his throat, the hunger growing within him. 

“In time,” he said. “Nobody said anythin’ about you only cumming once, honey.”

With that, his fingers doubled their effort. Your back arched off the ground as you felt pleasure quickly building inside of you — a dam ready to burst. 

A choked sound left you as you tumbled over the edge without warning. Muscles clenching as you felt the orgasm rippling outward, blissfully emptying your mind of anything else.

“There’s a good girl,” he praised, feeling the tight squeeze of your cunt around his fingers, his cock twitching painfully in his pants. “See? I knew you could give it to me.”

Your head swam as his hands withdrew. You heard the soft rasp of his zipper being undone and the clink of his belt. Eager, you looked down as he nudged your thighs further apart with his knee, slotting his body between them.

The slick, flushed head of his cock encircled by his fist, pumping himself — large and hard and textured just like the rest of him. He let spit fall from his mouth onto your clit, spreading it with the shaft of his cock as he rutted against you. 

Your legs jerked a little with the stimulation against your still puffy clit, but needy whines still poured from your lips like the sweetest melody to his ears.

You knew better than to tell him not to tease you, instead hitching your hips to meet his movements. He growled, barely able to hold back by that point. You softly sighed as your knees pressed against his sides.  The head notched at your entrance and he pushed inside, thrusting shallowly to open you up further as he reached halfway. 

“Fuckin’ hell, you’re tight,” he rasped as you clutched his arms. “Greedy cunt can’t help squeezing me, huh?”

Before you could even try to respond, his hips snapped a little more roughly, finally burying himself to the hilt. A shared exhale as he bottomed out, fully stretching you. 

“C-Cooper,” you breathed. “Fuck, please, keep going.”

“I’ll take care of ya, don’t you worry,” he said, voice ragged.

He grasped your hips hard enough to bruise, pulling back only to slam forward again. Tugging you to meet his thrusts – long and deep – and you submitted amiably. Soon, the room was filled with the obscene, slapping sound of your bodies joining. Your moans spiraling in a hypnotic repetition, your eyes heavy-lidded as you lifted your head to get a better look of him driving into you.

“Takin’ me so well,” he groaned. “Pretty lil pussy made just for me.”

Your ankles pressed against his lower back, urging him on, not wanting to separate from him for even a moment. Sweat dotting your brow and stray tears of overstimulation on your lash line. You were everything worth adoring, in his eyes. 

One hand reached up to paw at your breasts, which he’d been watching bounce with each one of his thrusts. Pinching the nipples between his fingers, drawing a small yelp from you, but feeling you clamp down on him at the mix of pleasure and pain.

“O-oh, I’m s-so close… Cooper,” You gasped, and he felt your legs start to tremble. 

“Go on, sweetheart, give it to me,” he urged, pushing your legs further up and adjusting his angle. “Wanna feel you come all over my cock.”

Somehow, he felt much deeper that way, pounding at your cervix in a way that had you practically yowling. A momentary dizziness as if you were teetering at a great height… and the second orgasm hit you ruthlessly, forever ruining you for anybody else that wasn’t him. 

He let out a long, rough groan, and heat flooded inside of you as he also came. He fucked you through it, hips stuttering as he emptied out. 

In the come down, you were both panting hard, drunk on endorphins. All energy sapped out of you, lying boneless on top of his coat. He chuckled at the sight of you, something dangerously close to fondness in his amber eyes.

“Little late to ask if you got protection, huh?”

“You know I keep that RadAway on me,” you rasped, smiling weakly. 

“Atta girl. And speaking of,” he murmured, pulling out of you and leaving you achingly empty.

Your vision swam as you watched him tuck himself away, making his way towards his pack. But by the time he found the distinct yellow IV bag, you were slipping into the best sleep you’d ever had. 

—————————————

It was well past morning by the time you woke up. The sun was high, and you felt its heat wafting in through the doorway. Cooper wasn’t around, but you were relieved to see his things were still there.

You noticed he’d cleaned you up to the best of his ability, but you were still naked. You winced as you sat up, stretching your arms over your head. Slowly, you stood up and gathered your clothes from around the small room. 

Still, despite all the aches, you felt as if a huge burden had been lifted off your shoulders. The pain of remembering had turned into a dull throb which would take more time to fully heal. At least now you could focus on the good memories, no longer haunted by the need for justice. 

Freedom was at your fingertips – to choose, to live. Even the sky seemed a little bluer that day.

As you finished getting dressed, you heard the clink of spurs growing closer, his figure hovering in the doorway. 

“How’s my little killer?” Cooper said, leaning against the frame, arms crossed over his chest.

“Like I’ve been run over,” you said, grinning. “But good, otherwise.”

“Good. It’s about time we get up outta here. I let you rest more than enough.”

A flutter in your chest at the word we, reminding you that perhaps your freedom would be partial, but you didn’t mind as long as it was in his company. 

“Right, where to next?” You asked, hauling your pack onto your back. 

He shrugged, sly smile tugging at one corner of his lips. “The world is our oyster, darlin’. We can go wherever we damn please.”

You mirrored his smile, thinking that underneath that tough, seemingly unbreakable exterior,  he just might be feeling the same way about you. “Lead the way, then.”

-----

The End.

[howtofightwrite]

this scenario happened on Twenty-Four and they didnt really account for the long term damage -evelynmlewis

"No long term consequences" could have been the tagline for 24. I mean, we are talking about the show where terrorists detonated a nuclear weapon in Los Angeles, and a few hours later people were going about their daily lives like nothing had happened. But, I think I remember what you're talking about, and it was a small symptom of a much larger problem.

Two important caveats: I haven't watched season 3 in roughly 20 years, so I might be slightly misremembering when things happen. Second, IMDB's trivia page doesn't have any mentions of what I'm about to say, so it's entirely possible this was a fiction cooked up by someone on TV Tropes.

The short version was that Chase (James Badge Dale) was captured and was being tortured by a Mexican cartel. (Because no synopsis of 24 is complete without gratuitous torture sequences.) And, at one point, one of the cartel members shoots him through the hand. The problem is that Chase was originally planned to be killed off right at the beginning of the next episode.

However, going into season 3, the show runners had, supposedly, gotten into a bad habit of watching fansites, and started tweaking things on the fly, when fans accurately predicted the outcomes of upcoming plot twists. This included keeping Chase alive, when the original plan was to kill him off, and also killing off Chappelle (Paul Schulze), later in the season.

So, I mentioned that the plans for Chase's execution being changed are a bit dubious, that's not true with Chappelle, and there's a couple major things to pick up on here. First is that we have confirmation from Paul Schulze that the original plan was to fake his character's death. (This came out of an interview Schulze did, though I'm not sure with whom.) The second is a production cue from the way the show was produced. By season 3, the show was being shot in two episode blocks, (so, for example, Day 3: 1:00 p.m. – Day 3: 2:00 p.m., and Day 3: 2:00 p.m. – Day 3: 3:00 p.m. were shot at the same time. Also, yeah, the official episode titles are a bit unwieldy.) In the case of Chappelle's death, it came at right before 7am (which would have been part of the shooting block for 5am to 7am.) However, Chase's death would have been right after 9pm. (Which would have been part of the 9pm to 11pm block.) This would mean that the production would have needed to bring James Badge Dale back in for what would have amounted to a glorified cameo, if they were originally planning to kill off his character. Once you're aware of the way that episodes were shot, the pacing of the series gets a lot more predictable. Significant characters (even short term ones) tend to get introduced in the front half of a block, and killed off in the back half. Not necessarily the same block, but the structure tends to hold up. Especially when the show plays with the idea of someone dying during the episode cliffhanger.)

So, where am I going with this? Don't mess with your story to keep your audience off-balance. Your first concern is keeping your story coherent, if members of your audience manage to accurately predict what you're doing, good. They're invested enough in the story that you're telling to care about what you're going to do next. These are the last people you want to mess with. And if their prediction is correct, when it does play out, that's a reward for them.

Don't follow the example of 24(especially in season 3), where the overarching plot degenerates into an incoherent mess, because it keeps getting revised, on the fly, to keep things surprising. A well written thriller shouldn't be predictable, but it should have internal consistency so when the unexpected happens, it makes sense. A second viewing (or reading) of a thriller, should provide more satisfaction, as you can now see all the pieces getting dropped into place, long before they pay off. But, again, when you're writing in a serial format, if you start flipping things around to keep ahead of what your audience is predicting, that will ruin the cohesion of your story. (And, it's why I haven't watched Season 3 since shortly after it released on DVD. When I did go back and rewatch the first two years of the show.) While it's a bit uneven, it is something the first season of 24handled remarkably well, especially in comparison to what came later.

There's a couple advantages to writing in a serialized format. If you're unfamiliar with the term, serialized fiction refers when a piece of fiction is released in multiple parts over time. This is somewhat distinct from episodic series and metaplots. Episodic series tell multiple self contained stories, while metaplots refer to an overarching storyline that hooks into episodic stories granting them a larger context. Serials are smaller parts of a larger whole. The individual pieces (or, in the case of television, the episodes) are segmented portions of a larger story. Now, I said there are advantages to serialized writing, but almost all of those come with some significant perils, that if you're wanting to

The first advantage is you don't have to have the work completed before you start putting it out there. If you have a completed chapter, you can simply post it out there for the world to see. The peril is that you can't (really) go back and change it. You're committed to the previously released material. Even if you go back and revise the earlier work, you'll have a significant portion of your audience who don't want to go back and reread chapter 3, because you cleaned up the dialog, and also closed a plot hole that would emerge years later.

The second advantage is that serials can easily deliver much larger stories than you could offer in another format. For example, each season of 24 tells a single twenty-four hour story (actually, about 18 hours, once you account for commercial breaks.) Just putting that scope in front of someone is kind of wild. The peril is that serialized stories can easily spiral out of control. For example, nearly every webcomic ever, with an ongoing plot. This can result in some insane bloat. So you can either accept the content in medias res, or you can be looking at an unpleasant amount of homework. Whatever praise 24 deserves, the show asks you for an entire day of your life to watch a single story. When put in those terms, frankly, it's not that good.

The third advantage is that you can adjust your later work to better fit what your audience responds well to. If your fans like something you're doing, you can expand that part of your story. This time, there's multiple perils. First, you can easily lose track of how your original plan fit together. This is less of an issue if you're running with a fairly loose outline, but the better scripted your original plan, the more this can inadvertently screw you over. And, as I mentioned above, with the first peril, you can easily trap yourself. For an example I'm not completely conversant in, this might be what's delayed the final Game of Thrones book, as Martin may have accidentally killed off a character he needed, and now he's spent years working out a Plan B. The second peril is a little simpler, sometimes fans are reacting to what you didn't say, rather than what you did. Peripheral characters or concepts can prove to be fan favorites because the hints you provided along the way were more enticing than the full background you had in mind. This is a very subjective risk, because ultimately, it is more about accurately gauging what your audience reacted to rather than what they said they reacted to. That's a tricky one to split.

The fourth advantage to serialized writing is, almost, more a peril disguised as an advantage: You don't have to know how this will end, when you start. You can go on the same journey as your reader. The real advantage is that it can make the story more approachable. If you look at the idea of writing an entire novel, and the scope of that scares you, then smaller serialized novellas are a lot less threatening. However, this also means you don't have a plan to finish this. Much your characters, you're going to need to figure it out on your feet. If that sounds like a fun challenge, then that's absolutely something to drop into the “Pros” column. The downside is, I've seen professionals screw this up, and worse, get it past their editor. (In this case, I'm thinking specifically of Transmetropolitan. If you know, you know; if you don't, it's a massive spoiler for the end of the series.)

I will say, on this last peril, having good documentation, and a good project bible can save your ass. Don't trust your memory to keep all the (figurative) plates spinning. Take notes on what you're doing in another document, so that in the future you'll have easy reference to try to avoid accidentally creating temporal paradoxes as you try to sketch out your conclusion.

Also, yeah, if you're going to shoot someone in the hand, even if it's with a .22, don't change your mind about killing them 20 minutes later. James Badge Dale was cool, but, dude had nothing to do but chew scenery for fifteen hours.

-Starke

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[lovelybrooke]

Hello there 💟

I love your TLOU platonic!yandere series, I love your writing and Joel and Ellie as yandere. May I ask a request where Joel invades the reader's privacy and goes through his things looking for something (u choose) because of his paranoia and all. And when reader finds out, is so upset but disgusted that them decides to do the same with Joel, as revenge, and ends up discovering a hidden photo of Sarah and ends up showing jealousy for her when he interrogates they, but Joel is so furious that he acts without thinking that he grabs the reader's arm very hard, scaring they (if you found it too aggressive, you can change it). My idea is to show Joel talking about Sarah for the first time with reader, it can be an angsty headcanon or oneshot with a fluff ending.

Sorry my english, isn't my first language. Thanks💟

Regret (platonic yandere Joel and Ellie x reader)

This is such a great idea you’re so smart (also your English is great). Also the reader is gender neutral just to let you know.

“What the fuck is this?” Joel yells, dumping your bag onto the table, a gun rolling out. Your brows furrowed, eyeing him from across the kitchen table.

“Why do you have my bag?” You question, ignoring his fiery gaze.

“Don’t ignore the question.” He demands, pushing the gun closer to you.

“It’s a gun.” You done.

Joel sneers at your sarcasm, “I know that. Why do you have it?”

“Why did you go through my bag?” You sneer back, watching as Joel’s posture stiffens.

“Because I’m your father.” He replies. You scoff at him.

“So, you’re just allowed to invade my privacy?” You probe him.

“If it means protecting you, then yeah.” He takes the gun from the table, removing it of all its ammo, and tucks it into the back of his pants. Once finished, he points at you sternly.

“I don’t wanna see you with this again.” He doesn’t wait for a response, walking upstairs before you could protest.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“It’s so not fair! He lets you have a gun!” You complain to Ellie, who is reclining on your bed as you pace throughout the room.

“I’m older.” She reasons, receiving a harsh look from you.

“By like, a year.” You speak. “Are you on his side?” You accuse. She puts her hands up in defense.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you implied it.”

She rolls her eyes, her words coming out calmly, “I just think you should be more careful.”

“Having a gun keeps me safe.” You argue.

“We keep you safe.” She corrects. “That’s why you don’t have a gun.”

You sigh in defeat, laying down on your bed, gazing up at your ceiling. “He shouldn’t be going through my stuff though.”

“He’s just trying to protect you.” She whispers. You groan, she’s definitely on his side.

“He’s paranoid, that’s what he is.” You complain. Ellie giggles, laying down next to you. She turns her head, looking directly at you.

“You’re right, but he just worries about you.” She breaths deeply, staring at the ceiling with you. “He has a lot to worry about.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The house was quiet, Ellie and Joel away. Petty as you are, you were still hung up on the morning’s indiscretion. It’s not fair that Ellie gets to do whatever she wants, but you can’t. It’s not fair that Joel can just go through your belongings without asking. He could’ve just asked; you would’ve told him. Instead, he disregards your trust and guises it as “protecting you.”

You admit that your current actions are done out of spite, and you weren’t really thinking. However, as you dig through Joel’s room with total disregard for anything. You honestly didn’t expect to find anything noteworthy; Joel wasn’t really that interesting.

There were the expected things, guns, a few CDs, and even random snacks littering the ground. You kept snooping, even after several minutes of not finding anything. You search moves towards the bedside drawer. Slowly opening it up, a small, folded picture is revealed. You take it gingerly, unfolding it with caution. The picture is old, frayed on the edges and covered in a film of dust, like it hasn’t been touched in a while. Wiping is carefully with the hem of your shirt; the picture of Joel and a young girl is revealed. Joel is young with a big smile, hugging the girl tightly, which she reciprocates. The girl has beautiful curly hair, smiling wide. You don’t recognize her, and you wonder why she’s with Joel.

“What are you doing?” You shove the picture back into the drawer, slamming it shut. You turn around to an angry Joel, dirty from patrol. You studder out an answer.

“I—I don’t… I’m s—sorry. I’ll leave.” You try to rush part Joel, out of the room, being stopped when he roughly grabs your forearm. His fingers dig into your skin, enough to bruise and leave a mark. He looks down at you, his eyes dark.

“You’re not supposed to be in here.” He snarls, his grip tightening as he looks toward the drawer.

You try to break out of his hold, “You’re hurting me, Joel.” He doesn’t listen.

“Why we’re you in my stuff.” You heart is pumping so fast, too fast to think.

“You’re in my stuff all the time!” You yell, the pain in your arm long forgotten. At your remark, Joel begins to drag you out of his room and down the hallway. Your arm is screaming as your tugged every which way. Once in your room, Joel pushes you away, you falling to the floor. Anger is still coursing through your body. Looking at him from your stop on the ground, you snarl at him.

“Who is she?”

Joel huffs “none of your business.” You scoff, rubbing your arm.

“So it’s okay when you invade my privacy, but when I do it it’s ‘none of my business?’” You jeer annoyed.

“She’s none of your business.” Joel clarifies. His hand is gripping the handle of the door, preparing to slam it shut.

“Why?” You probe, “why can’t I know about her? Do you not trust me?!”

“No.” He responds bluntly. “I don’t trust you.” Your shocked, your mouth slightly agape. Joel continues to talk before leaving.

“You dig through my stuff, you steal a gun from me, you leave without my permission.” His stare is unrelenting, making you feel weak.

“Sometimes I wonder why I brought you along.” He breaths, before closing the door, the slam causing you to shake.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You didn’t sleep that night, your arm hurting too much. You refused to eat breakfast, even when Joel left it outside your door. It would remain untouched late into the night.

Joel was worried about you; you haven’t said a word in days, nor have you eaten anything he gave you. After the third day, he finally confronted you. He went upstairs, holding a plate of food in one hand, knocking on door to your room.

“(Y/N). I’m coming in.” He says after a moment. He twists the door handle, only for it to not open. He twists it harder a few times before excepting it was locked.

“(Y/N)! You know I don’t like locked doors.” He continues to shake the handle. He knows he’s being a hypocrite, but he doesn’t like it when you lock your door. "I'm serious." He warns. He feels heartrate pick up, fearing the worst.

He only calms down when he hears the shuffles on the other side of the door, breathing a sigh of relief when he hears the door unlock. Balancing the plate of food, he enters, seeing you wrapped up in a blanket, your hair slightly matted, and heavy bags under your eyes.

You don't look at him as you go back to lay on your bed, swaddling yourself up in your bedsheets, your back to him. Joel heart pangs at the sight, placing the plate down on the desk in your room before moving to sit on your bed. He slowly places his hand on you head to move a piece of hair out of the way, not missing when you flinch away from him.

"You have to eat, kid." He whispers, gazing over his shoulder too look at you. You don't respond. Joel turns his body so that he is facing you better.

"Look kid.... I didn't mean it." His head is hung low in shame as he tries to explain himself. "About bringing you along, I mean."

"Okay." You respond quietly. It was the first time he's heard your voice in days.

Joel's eyes dart around, expecting something more. Expecting you to run into his arm, and for him to be able to hold you again. He clasps his hands together, feeling his hands shake.

"She was my daughter." His voice wavers with every word, slightly cracking at the end. "Before all this." He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves, "Her name was Sarah." He feels you move slightly, your bed shifting.

When your completely turned over, you can see the tears in his eyes. You sit up slowly, Joel eyes fallowing you. He can see the bruise underneath your cut sleave. "Does it hurt?" Quilt completely consumes him, seeing the heavy mark on your sink fills him with dread.

You shake your head, "No, not that much." He can tell that your lying, but he doesn't call you out on it. He leans over to your nightstand, in the drawer a first aid kit. He takes out the gauze and asks for your arm. When you give it to him, he carefully wraps it up, eying the bruise. He doesn't want to think about it, about what he could've done to you if he was too overwhelmed by his anger.

"I'm sorry." He hears you say. He doesn't know if you're apologizing for Sarah, or for snooping in his room, but he doesn't really care. He nods his head, moving over to hug you. It feels nice, being able to feel your warmth again, to know you're okay.

"Do you miss her?" You ask. Joel releases you from the hug.

"All the time." He answers, looking at you fondly. "But it's gotten better." You hum, leaning on his shoulder.

"Are you sure I'm not a burden?" You ask. He shakes his head no, giving you a kiss on the crown of you head.

"You've never been a burden."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/n: I don't know if this is what you wanted, but I hope you enjoy.

[heretherebedork]

So. Let's talk about virginity, sex, the pressure to both have sex and not have sex and what it means and what it doesn't mean and what desirability can mean to people.

Now, the first note on this is that this is gonna come from (my best version of) a tempered Western perspective. I am full on American and I do not know the details or in and outs of Thailand's relationship with virginity versus sex, particularly in the queer landscape. I, frankly, barely know that in Western terms. So this analysis is just me doing my best to use what the show has given me in order to discuss the idea of Mew's virginity in the series, why it matters to so many people and why it is honestly shaping a lot of the conflicts in this series.

Because literally the first scene we from the entire friend group is Boston claiming he was trying to help Mew get sex and Mew exasperatedly asking him to stop caring about that.

But it's obvious that everyone cares. And we see that again and again. Everyone seems to care that Mew is a virgin and wants that to change for him more than Mew himself down. And this is just... often, frankly, true. There is no one more bothered by someone else's virginity than someone who doesn't have theirs.

It's Boston who calls him a sweet virgin as a deterrent while To takes it as a challenge but the focus is still on that virginity and the mean of that virginity. That it means he won't be a know it all or pushy and he won't be 'like the others' (in this case like Boston) and that Top wants that as a change of pace.

But Boston is sitting right there talking to someone he fucked and hearing that from him is not what he wants to hear. Boston is very pleased to be a slut and I actually think that Top basically saying 'you're boring because you have lots of sex' is the worst insult Boston can hear and might have really started a lot of his upset we see between him and Top.

It's because Top took a part of their identity that they share, part of the reason that Boston pulled him into the group in the first place, and turned it into an insult.

And that goes back to virginity versus promiscuity that adds weight. Top is interested in Mew because he's a virgin, he's sweet, he's not going to be fierce, he's not going to be like Boston who is fierce and knows what he wants and is exceedingly comfortable with his own sexuality and specifically sex.

Because as we see, Mew is also comfortable with his sexuality. He just expresses it differently than Boston and Top do. And that's also just so important to me. Honestly,

Mew owns his sexuality and his virginity. He is not set on changing anything until he knows it is exactly what he wants and doesn't want. Top said he was going to be sweet and, frankly, he turned out just as fierce just in a different way.

(The comparison to Boston, though, the instant connection between the friends and how much they are going to hurt each other because they are constantly being compared by the world and by themselves because they have placed importance on these things and just Oh Man. The weight of Mew's virginity on everyone else and how Boston sleeps with everyone but discourages Top from going after Mew too seriously and how Ray's sex habit is obviously part of his own struggles with feeling like a burden while Boston seems to just like sex and how there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of these approaches in their own way... Ray might be fucked up but it's not because he's fucking.)

A change of pace can be something welcome you never expected and that's why Top is going to be destroyed by Mew. Because Mew, and his virginity, represent something new to him. Something different. Something he doesn't know how to handle or how to see.

I think that a big part of Boston's issue here is feeling like he is being judged based on Mew's virginity and Top's interest in that. Boston craves the feeling of desirability and thrives off it (as we've seen and continue to see) and having Top, someone he has fucked and enjoyed, express that a virgin is more desirable than he is was a blow to him and his ego and his comfort and his own view of himself.

Because when virginity is upheld rather than just something to lose (which is all Boston wants it to be, something that Mew loses) it becomes a virtue rather than something to be changed.

Yes, Top still wants to sleep with Mew. But suddenly he's looking for more.

Boston's relationship with Mew's virginity is fascinating to me. Because he is truly obsessed with Mew losing it but also with this idea that it can't be a good thing. Boston is so focused on Mew losing his virginity that when faced with the idea that Top is interested in more... he loses it a bit. Boston values himself for being sexually desirable and desired. He wants to fuck and be fucked. And to be told that Top, who is supposed to be liked him, wants something different?

It's a threat.

Boston is trying to act like he knows Top better than Top knows himself and he is pushing this idea because his own identity is deeply wrapped in casual sex for the sake of casual sex and not being interested in dating and seeing Top not just express interested in Mew specifically because he's a virgin but then to also start talking about dating him? That is a direct threat to that part of how Boston values himself, of how Boston finds his own worth.

If being good at sex is less desirable than being a virgin than what happens to Boston? If the people having the same casual sex as him are starting to think about dating, what does that say about him when he isn't?

Top is doing what he's doing because he wants to do it but, to Boston, it is a judgement against him.

I am actually very interested in this because while it is at least partially jealousy, I think there's more to this.

It's about virginity and promiscuity and how both get judged depending on who's judging and what matters to that person and Boston is suddenly seeing himself being judged in a place where he's always been comfortable.

Boston's safe and comfortable place is this club and the people he sleeps with and Top's interest in Mew is a blow not just to his ego but also a sudden change to his own self-image. He is not the desirable one despite the fact that he has shaped himself to be desirable.

Okay, I don't even know where this went.

But anyway I love how the show gave us a virgin who knows exactly what he wants (which ain't it yet) and different aspects to relying on your sexuality and I didn't talk about Ray much in this because he didn't have a lot to say directly about Mew's virginity or Top's desire of it which was my focus but Ray is using sex as an alternative to therapy and it ain't working out so hot so far for him but that's just another story.

... Anyway. Only Friends is definitely interesting and I am absolutely wondering where it goes from here because I can already see how much Boston will hurt Nick because a relationship just absolutely is not even on his radar at this point and, in fact, is entirely off his radar because it goes against all the aspects of himself he currently finds value in.