#to all my exhausted writers: you’re valid

[writerfae]

Actually some of us don’t have the time or energy to write thousands (or hundreds or whatever) of words a day and that’s okay and that’s fine. Don’t beat yourself up about it. There will be better times. Save your energy for those instead of beating yourself up about not writing recently. In your heart you’re still a writer.

[acotars]

(I have no idea if this will make sense—sorry I’ve had some wine this evening and so I’m rambling)

I think this is a “popular” opinion but not widespread—people need to understand that there is so much nuance to reading. Obviously there’s the “you can like things I don’t like” and vice versa, but also in HOW people enjoy things. Like take Fourth Wing (I know I know), but while I also agree with a lot of the complaints, I still was just like “that was a fun time, I totally ignored all the sex scenes bc I hate how they were written, but I was vibing the whole time.” And I feel like some people would still respond to my opinion like “okay but it was so horrible how did you even enjoy it at all??? Lame”

Like okay Betty, I love high fantasy as much as you, but sometimes I want something that just fucks, okay?

(and not to say you aren’t allowed to not like things, but there seems to be a fine line between “hey! I didn’t like this but that’s okay” and “I hated this and I CANNOT comprehend why ANYONE could find even an inkling of fun from this + I’m going to subtly implicate that I think people who like this are stupid”) (obviously not for books that are objectively hurtful or offensive)

And of course you can go so many different ways than just that example, but it’s a mix of gate-keeping, prejudice, lack of empathy, and a bit of a superiority complex that makes it so hard for the reading community to really be united.

[nanowrimo]

4 Tips for Autistic Writers

Autistic writers can face unique challenges when it comes to writing. NaNo Participant Auden Halligan has tips to handle some of those challenges!

So, you’ve just sat down at your desk, all ready to work on your next chapter, but you just can’t seem to start. Something is itching at your brain, and no matter how hard you think, you can’t figure it out. For autistic writers, that itch might be even harder to get around when compounded with autistic inertia, introspection issues, and sensory processing disorder — even if we were super excited to get started, sometimes the stumbling blocks are enough to keep us from going anywhere at all.

Here are four tips to identify your struggles and work around them rather than against them as an autistic writer!

1. Schedule your writing time appropriately

While keeping a schedule can help you stave off unwanted change in your routine, the need to switch to another task when the clock strikes the hour sometimes feels like a monumental task, one that eventually becomes detrimental to your creative pursuits.

If switching tasks is the biggest hurdle to your writing, setting a designated writing time with no other plans around it could do the trick. Oftentimes, just one hour of time to transition from doing dishes to sitting down at your computer to write is exactly what you need to get past that point and find your writing headspace.

2. Make sure your sensory environment is right

Sometimes getting into that writing headspace is harder than normal, but you can’t put your finger on a reason. Chances are, you’re not quite ready until you have your sensory needs met and you can fully focus on your story.

Personally, I like to be on the couch with my water bottle, a playlist at just the right volume, and a comfortable jacket or hoodie on. For you, the ideal sensory space might involve a desk and a snack, a pet nearby, and a quiet room. For others, it could be outside or even at a library or coffee shop. Autistic people are all different and so are their sensory needs, so this one is super subjective — do what works best for you!

3. Take breaks often

Writing can be exhausting, and if you’re struggling to keep going, you might need to take a pause. If you’re like me and struggle with remembering to hydrate and eat once you’re deep in a task, use your break to get some water and a snack. If you’re having trouble staying focused, get up and move around and stim or go outside to give your brain a reset. If you feel like you’ve gotten some good progress done, however small, reward yourself — do something related to your special interest, dance with a pet, and celebrate your little (or big!) win!

The pomodoro method is a good way to keep yourself from working too long without a break, and if that doesn’t work for you, methods like the Eisenhower method with breaks interspersed and even simply inserting breaks into your scheduled writing time are just as valid.

4. Don’t be afraid to skip around

Another thing that often trips us autistic people up is needing to follow the story down its natural progression, from start to middle all the way to the finish. But inevitably, once we’ve gotten past the initial excitement of having the project started, we hit a stumbling block…and the project gets abandoned. I’ve left behind countless projects because I lost interest after hitting a scene I wasn’t excited for after just a few chapters.

To combat this, try writing out of order! Skip ahead to the scene directly after your stumbling block. You could also skip to the next scene your favorite character is in or even to the climax if it helps you move forward. If you’re having trouble putting your first words down, try writing a random scene in the middle of your story to get into the groove of writing your characters.

Alternately, if you can’t abide by the out of order method and really need to get your characters from Point A to Point B, try putting the scene you’re stuck on in brackets. For example:

[Character 1 and Character 2 fight over the decision to kick Character 3 off the team. 2 leaves in anger.]

It’s simple, efficient, and gets you out of that particular rut so you can keep moving toward that sweet, sweet conversation you’ve wanted to write since Day 1.

Now go forth and write, my friends!

Auden Halligan is a creator through and through. She’s been writing her entire life, but didn’t start participating in NaNoWriMo until 2017–right now she’s working on developing a TV series (or two!) and has several novels and short films in the drafting phase. Auden is currently a college student studying film production and hoping to minor in disability studies. You can find her on her very sparse Twitter at ink.and.spite. Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

If you’re an autistic writer, check out the Pillow Fort in the NaNoWriMo forums! It’s a group for people who are neurodivergent, have disabilities, mental health concerns, or physical challenges that affect their lives.

[lostcauses-noregrets]

Why is the answer always "Levi said this Levi did this" whenever one asks about the signs of Eruri in canon? Levi's side is pretty clear, but every time I talk to an Eruri and I ask "but why do you think Erwin loved Levi" the answer is very long but it's mostly empty and just "I am sure he did" or "but Levi loved him so Eruri is canon". Sorry this isn't a "hehehe your ship is one sided it's not canon" type of question. It's more of a writing-wise question, since you are a writer yourself I thought you'd give the best answer to this.

I am wondering, is this because of lack of Erwin's pov in aot manga or anime? I know Erwin is important and plays an important role and story revolves around him in s3 p2 and all that but when you look at the bigger picture he's mostly just there. He's in the story but you don't see his pov. We don't get to see the inside of his head until the end. Is this why "does Erwin love Levi" question is a hot topic in aot fandom always? Or are there any side stories like smartpass aus that suggest Erwin had feelings for Levi? I'm sorry I don't know those very well I only know the manga and the anime.

Lastly, I am sure you answered this before but my question is very specific, do you actually believe it was mutual? After all it's fiction and you don't need their love to be mutual to ship them. People ship characters who barely interact. It's what fandom is and that's totally normal and valid. I guess I am wondering if you ever doubted, th ship or even yourself which I do a lot (in a "oh I love this so much and I read so much fics I made myself believe" way) Thanks I hope this doesn't sound rude or offensive, my English isn't very good so if I sound rude that must be it it's not my intention :)

Ooof there’s  a lot of different questions here but I think they boil down to the following: 

Are Erwin and Levi’s feelings for each other mutual? / Does Erwin reciprocate Levi’s feelings?

Why do people question Erwin’s relationship to Levi? 

Do I personally believe their relationship was mutual, and have ever “doubted the ship”?

I’ve answered the first question many, many times over the years. You can read all my various answers here.  In short I do think that Erwin reciprocated Levi’s feelings and I think the evidence is there in the manga, the official guidebooks, the Smartpass stories, and the side content for anyone who cares to see it. I’m not going to list all the side content here, but there’s a very old post by @erbeansandravioli that links to a lot of it: Eruri receipts.

As to why people question Erwin’s relationship to Levi, well that’s an interesting one.  Some people clearly just don’t get Erwin’s character (see the previous ask I just answered), they don’t understand his role in the plot or the significance of his relationship to Levi.  For example I’ve seen people arguing passionately that Levi’s vow had nothing to do with Erwin, which is just mind boggling to me. It’s certainly true that Erwin is a much harder character to read than Levi who very much wears his heart on his sleeve.  Erwin is more reserved, and holds his cards closer to his chest.  However the fact that Levi is the only one who he reveals his true self to is significant. Daisuke Ono put it beautifully when he said in an interview that the amplitude of Erwin’s feelings is so great that it can be hard to see.  

It could also be that some, perhaps younger, readers just don’t recognise their relationship for what it is. It’s certainly not a typical shounen romance, but it is a deeply believable adult relationship; one that is based on mutual trust, respect and understanding. This is from a previous ask I answered on the subject:

It frustrates me enormously when people deny their canon relationship, despite Yams being at paints to explain it repeatedly in the guidebooks. I want to shake them and ask what the hell they think a relationship looks like when you’re an exhausted 30 + year old war veteran who has spent their entire life fighting for survival.  It looks like this; finding someone who you can trust with your life. If you were to ask me what characterizes a successful adult relationship I would say it’s exactly this; mutual trust, respect and understanding, and when push comes to shove, the willingness to do everything in your power to help the person you hold most dear, even if that means letting them go. 

And as to whether I’ve ever doubted the ship, the answer to that would be no, never.  Sure we’ve never seen them swear undying love in canon (though some would argue with that and point to Erwin’s "Arigatō Levi".) I wrote this in response to an ask about Eruri canonicity: 

Do you mean that you don’t believe they’re canon because we never see them kiss? Because they never marry?  Because the main focus of the story isn’t romance?  All those things are true, but in my opinion, they’re also not the only things that make a relationship canon.  Particularly when that relationship is between two war-weary 30 year old men who have been fighting for survival almost their entire lives. The irony is that, in some ways, Erwin and Levi’s relationship is actually quite conventional. They really do behave a bit like an old married couple.  They have a long standing relationship that has matured over many years, they have their own weird sense of humour, they’re not afraid to challenge each other, but they care about one another deeply, and they also trust each other unconditionally.  That’s all the canon evidence I need tbh.

Having said that, you are absolutely right that you don’t need any canon evidence to ship a couple.  Hell, I’ve had great fun written Hanji and Petra as a side ship and I don’t think they ever even interacted in canon.  In Erwin and Levi’s case though there is more than enough evidence in canon to attest to the significance of their relationship. 

Hope this answers your questions.

[hogwarts-legacy-confessions]

Hello! One of the more prominent fandom writers here.

I see this has already been addressed. I don’t come to flog a dead horse and I do not intend to be rude to you, the blog owner.

I want to offer some perspective from someone who has been impacted by this.

I am not offended that you’re unaware of every targeted statement submitted to this blog. I am not either. The issue lies in your apparent expectation to be told if a statement was too pointed. You have—as respectfully as I can say it—not cultivated an environment that appears welcoming for something as vulnerable as feelings.

When things have been posted about my work, I did not anticipate coming to you would make much difference. If anything, I assumed it would make it worse.

I would say the impact it’s had on me is inline with the recent posts, and the fact that there are other posts of this nature makes me wonder how many other larger creators are suffering in silence every time someone pokes at them on here.

Here’s the thing: those of us who’ve “just been around since the start” and “got lucky” have been through multiple waves of bullying. For ships, for our ages, for character ages, for characterization, for writing smut/tropes/dynamics, for not liking or portraying (insert character) as a (edgelord, golden retriever, himbo, et cetera).

Now, we can add to that:

- not replying to every comment on our works and art.

- Not performing enough exhaustive research for something we do in our spare time, free of charge—despite both the canon game and the books/films contradicting themselves constantly.

- Liking characters that we like.

- Not editing enough, as if that is not delegated to a separate career in the professional world.

- Generally, not doing /enough/ to have earned our place in the fandom.

I won’t include the criticisms that were specific to me. I’m aware this is anonymous and you have no reason to believe I am who I say, but I won’t risk stepping off anon and receiving hate atop the rest of that list.

I am just a person. This was an escape for me, and one that gave me a lot of purpose and fulfillment. All of which is gone now. This has completely wrecked my self confidence in writing.

These big, popular creators that are getting bashed are not celebrities. Be it roleplayers, artists, writers, mod creators, or edit makers—they’re just people who wanted community and creative outlet.

To the blog owner, I see you have said that you wonder if the posts were really about [those who assume it’s about them]. I think the nature of the space you’ve created begets paranoia. Even if the posts were not about me or anyone else, does it not warrant your concern if it hurts the fandom we share? I respect the need for a space where unpopular ships, headcanons, and the like can be posted without fear (which shouldn’t exist, this is the nature of fandom). I do not see the need to laugh namelessly at the accuracy of fanart, the kissing mod that people created, proper grammar, and incorrect geographical locations in fics to name a few recent ones.

I don’t believe in censorship. I also don’t believe in encouraging persecution.

I see you have addressed this, as I said. I do not expect you to delete your blog. I hope you have found community regardless of the vitriol here. If I can offer a suggestion going forward: I ask that you don’t allow hate on fanworks. If you can’t do that, then at least do not allow anonymous hate on other creators, even if they do not mention them by name. If people want to say it with their full chests, off anon, I would respect it much more. That would also remove your need to judge the validity of any claims.

If this is published—I want to say that if this is your first fandom (which I suspect is true for many of you) that this is not a game of ‘eat the rich’.

If you had been “early” and “got lucky” and if people said the things you have said about our works, would yours still be available?

Most every popular creator in this fandom only ever wanted to be friends with you, reader.

👀

[barbwritesstuff]

Around the language of fatness, I’m a different anon from the original asker but I wanted to try and offer an additional perspective on the discussion. I super don’t mean this to be a criticism or condemnation of you as an individual or as a writer, but I know that this is a conversation that can be difficult to break into for a lot of people if they’ve not experienced fatphobia personally or talked to fat people they know about it. This results in thin people in particular experiencing so much discomfort and anxiety when talking about fat bodies (because the word “fat” is so heavily stigmatized and is used derogatorily extremely frequently). I was a fat kid who became a fat teen and am now a fat adult, so I’ve spent my entire life listening to incredibly well-intentioned and well-meaning thin people (and some fat people as well, especially if they struggle with body positivity or body neutrality in their own lives) try to describe my body without calling it fat, from curvy to large to plus-size to chubby to plush and on and on. And it comes from a place of love due to the fact that the word “fat” is so often only ever interpreted as an insult and they don’t want to insult you (see the ever-classic “you’re not fat, you’re beautiful!”that every fat woman probably ever has heard from a loved one at least once). And this approach isn’t without merit: people are fat in different ways. Some people are fatter than others, some people have their fat distributed in different ways (ex. Shawnie is fat and curvy, which is different from how Sergi (who I believe is described in Blood Moon as “stocky” and compared to a lumberjack, which I’ve always interpreted to mean “fat and kind of barrel-chested” or kind of like those guys who compete in the Highland Games). It’s not wrong to want or use these descriptors for fat people.

I just think that it’s worth putting out there that it’s okay to describe characters as “fat” and that some fat readers may even prefer it. In my experience, there’s a kind of exhaustion that comes from constantly having to listen to thin people dance around talking about my body or bodies like mine when I know that I’m fat and I live in a world that never lets me forget that I’m fat. And I know that, at least for myself, it can be very validating (and almost healing sometimes) to hear the word “fat” being used to describe me instead of being used against me.

I don’t mean to say all this to try and target you or change the way that you write or anything like that. I’ve just always really admired how open you are about admitting you don’t know something (because we all have things we don’t know) and learning about different perspectives and how willing you are to incorporate feedback you’ve gotten from fans into your games. I don’t mean to speak for all fat people either as we’re not monolithic and don’t all share the same experiences or opinions. I was just hoping to maybe share a perspective you might not have gotten or seen before. Love the game and you’re doing amazing!! 💕

Thank you! I really do appreciate this sort of feedback. I honestly haven't thought about it enough and am really glad this has been brought to my attention. I thought I was being inclusive.

I described Shawnie as short and curvy. I described Sergi as stocky and broad. I described Freya as stocky and soft. These descriptions obviously weren't enough, and knowing that, I can now make them better.

Compounding to this, I'm really not very good at creating visual aids. It's hard to find good stock photos, and often I pick ones which don't 100% match characters. I tried making mood boards for Blood Moon but it was way too much work and was stressing me out. So, the misunderstanding could've come from that too.

[my-shields-are-down]

You’re allowed to feel however you feel, and watch or not watch. Everything is valid.

But what Melissa said Eric was pushing for and what Eric himself has been open about wanting since before the season started, was for Chenford’s relationship to be messy. He didn’t want it to be smooth sailing and he wanted them to face struggles like a real couple. Melissa said they were surprised the writers took it that far.

But no one has ever said that Eric specifically wanted a break up. Nor has there been any implication that it’s what his wife wanted. You’re putting words in real people’s mouths.

There’s also no implication that Chenford won’t work their way back together. All Eric said is that he and Melissa still have fun scenes together and that there isn’t a ‘guarantee of anything, but it leaves it in a place where there’s stuff to talk about’ in the finale. That in no way sounds like the door is shut on Chenford. Obviously I don’t think they’re going to get back together by the end of the season, because there’s only 4 more episodes and they have a lot of work to do. But assuming the show is renewed for season 7, I can pretty much guarantee Chenford isn’t done.

Side note— If Eric or Roselyn truly did have a problem with Chenford and brought it forward to the show, The Rookie instagram page wouldn’t still have ‘#Chenford stan account’ in its bio.

++++++++++

Hello Anon - thank you for the message.

This is the first tv show that I’ve ever actively participated in the online fandom side of things. I never knew all of this existed until I stumbled upon a critique of an Arrow episode on Twitter that led me here to tumblr.

I grew up before streaming existed. I’m older than Google and MTV and cell phones 🤭. I took a typewriter to college. 80s new wave music speaks to my soul - Top Gun came out my senior year in high school, not long after the Challenger Space Shuttle exploded. I also have an MBA in Marketing so I get how tv shows and cast members market the shows to get people in the seats.

Why do I mention this? Because my perspective is different than yours.

Oh my god, between here and Twitter, IG, tiktok, etc. I’m exhausted. I rage posted for almost 48 hours straight because of a fictional couple on a tv show. I have never been so intensely angry in my life - ever.

The show and Chenford have taken over my life and not in a good way.

At this point, I am unfollowing the fandom in Twitter, I’ve unfollowed the cast on TikTok and IG. I unsubscribed from podcasts that don’t get me to a better me.

I don’t want to see any bts, read any more interviews, see any more cameos. It’s all noise to me and I need to focus on me and get back to being excited about the show. Going in blind with no expectations, excited to see new stories (well, not Nolan being a dad again 🤢).

Back to your post - I read the same interviews you did. The cast comments about Chenford were all past tense. I didn’t see any sorrow or regret about the demise of the couple by either Mel or Eric. They both prefer angsty scenes. I didn’t see ANY hope expressed by either that their individual stories would lead them back to each other. Alexi has been silent - and I have never trusted him to do right by Chenford.

Eric has repeatedly said this was never planned for - meaning in the whole overall arc of the show this fan based couple threw a major wrench into the original story arcs for both characters. With Tim reverting back to tough guy Tim from the early seasons, I take that to be like a do over to redo the show the way Alexi intended WITHOUT Tim and Lucy as a couple.

So no, I don’t think they will get back together. Definitely not by the end of the season. I don’t believe Alexi - who was very vocal during the early seasons about never putting these two characters together - has any intention to bring them back to each other. Hopefully, he won’t treat Chenford like Dallas treated the whole Bobby Ewing death thing (making a whole season a dream).

Maybe I’m wrong, I’ll find that out by watching the show.

- Andrea

[iwonderwh0]

I love Kara as a character and her acting is amazing, and I love and mad respect all the Kara stans who are able to expand on her character and put it into another light to tell why exactly her story is great and why they like it (and consequently making others like it). You’re doing amazing work with the little DC actually had written for Kara.

But BOY DO I HATE the sentiment that you can’t dislike her story, or if you do dislike it, you must be sexist, no other reason.

Listen, I like women, I love children characters . And precisely because I like them, I’m not a fan of the stories when female/children characters are only there to be respectively “a mother/romantic or sexual interest/in trouble to be saved” or “someone’s kid to protect/sacrifice for/love” and I don’t think this requires an explanation as to why I really much not a fan

This “you are sexist and wrong if you dislike Kara’s story” makes me mad enough to want to elaborate on why this is a bad take and not true, as there are completely valid reasons to dislike her (or anyone else’s) story

So, skip if it makes you upset

I dislike and at times absolutely hate Kara’s storyline and want to skip it because

Concentration camps. FUCK this shit, name me ONE person who likes that fucking chapter. It’s distasteful, ugly, makes me feel sick, and yes, I wish it never fucking existed. If you like this chapter and defend the existence of it — that’s concerning. I don’t like it not because I hate women or jews or something but precisely because I DON’T. On my first play through it almost made me abandon the game completely, because I hated everything about this fucking chapter.

I dislike stories where female character is just constantly escaping being abused. All the time, with no breaks. It’s just absolutely fucking exhausting! It makes me stressed with no reward as the abuse just continues on and on. It doesn’t give time for a character to just breathe and show them being a person, not just an abstract idea of “a woman in trouble”

The whole “Kara knew all along” twist. I hate it. SO much. I hate how it poisons the whole Kara’s character if you think about it in retrospective. What does it say us about Kara’s character? All those times she suggested food or let Alice freeze instead of disabling her thermo-sensitivity? It makes her from a caring loving guardian into a borderline sadist, like what the fuck were they (writers) thinking? And it could have bee such a good story if Kara genuinely didn’t know and found that out much much earlier in the story. So much lost potential to explore it from Alice’s side either. All the anxiety and longing and confusion. All of it got compromised for the sake of a shitty plot twist.

I dislike when characters aren’t given space to be defined through their characteristic individual properties as characters, not just through their roles for the narrative. “Mother” and “daughter”. Constantly trying to just stay alive. Excuse me, but trauma porn about female characters and kids is not my cup of tea. Is it sexist to hate this trope? Is it sexist if I want mother&daughter characters to have something about themselves that isn’t about those roles?

I dislike parent/child plotlines in general. It’s a personal preference. The same way I don’t like and avoid stories about war atrocities, mass pandemics, nuclear weapons, terminal diseases, etc. They are fucking heavy and a little too real, ok? I love fiction for the escape from reality, but those are the opposite of the escape, they make me too depressed and anxious about the state of the world, something I don’t need fiction to do for me because reality does it already. And parent/child thing? I find it hard to relate from either ends for personal reasons. Not everyone like parent/child stories and you can’t accuse people of being wrong for having personal preferences. If someone said that they hate Connor’s story because they are sick of cops, and in general police characters and detective dramas you’d say that’s a valid reason to hate it. It’s a personal preference. But with Kara’s story it’s suddenly not a personal preference to hate those tropes but sexism. Um??? I don’t like torture of women and children in fiction by the hands if some male characters. I don’t like when they constantly have those male abusers in their story and can’t even get a proper revenge before falling into another cycle of abuse, it never gets to the satisfaction of being finally free or taking revenge, it doesn’t even give time to explore how this character is coping with this traumatic experience and learning to live free of it because they are instantly thrown into another one. Not fun. Not for me. Is it sexist? Really? I think this writing in itself is sexist, and I have all the reasons to dislike it.

[sharpbutsoft]

Here to interrupt your editing (take breaks, you deserve them):

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Appreciate the interruption as always (and also the fact that, weirdly, procrastinating answering this ask gave me a boost of editing energy)

🌈 I mean, I’d like to say my steddie big band fic Road To Nowhere, however I was on here whinging for the entire 8 month process so idk how much of a secret it was lol.

There’s also the time loop fic I’m currently working on/despairing about as I’m certain its just riddled with plot holes but every time I try to edit it I start getting confused

🧿 I have a pretty active social life irl so where possible I like to post right before I’m heading out. Can’t obsessively check Ao3 if I’m out in the pub with friends, and it’s a great way to remind myself that whole fandom culture is fun, it’s not everything.

Of course, at the end of the day I’m only human and I crave that sweet sweet validation so I will do things like resharing links to my work just in case people missed it the first time.

💌 Okay so even though I complained about it earlier, I am definitely most excited right now about my Buddie time loop fic!

As I said, it needs some work, but here’s an excerpt from one of the loops (and sorry again to everyone who originally followed be for steddie/st. Thanks for sticking around on the detour :)

“Okay, something happened,” Hen says to Buck after watching him mope around for the first hours of their shift. It’s not even a question. He’s pale, dull eyed, and listless. Exhaustion radiates from him in waves, and before he can even reply she’s checking his forehead with the back of her hand. “No temperature.”

Buck batts her away, scrubs at his face and smiles thinly at her. It doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m fine.”

“I know you wouldn’t lie to me, Buckley,” she says, cocking a brow like she does when Denny takes an extra cookie from the jar and lies about it. Or when Karen does the same. No wonder they’re always running out. “What’s up?”

Buck looks around, uncharacteristically paranoid, and once he seems satisfied they won’t be overheard, he speaks.

“Do you ever feel like everything’s pointless? Like no matter what you do you’re just going to keep making the same mistakes over, and over, and over again?”

So, that’s not what Hen expected. At all.

“Is this about Abby?” She knows Buck’s been down ever since she left, is convinced they're on a break and that any day now she’s going to come back and resume things.

“No.” Buck cocks his head to the side like it hadn’t even occurred to him. Maybe he’s even further in denial than she’d thought. “Maybe? But I don’t think so.”

“You know, it’s not uncommon to experience feelings of depression and despair on the job right? The LAFD has people you can talk to, might help some?

“I don’t know if a therapist can help me with this.”

Writer Asks

[elizmanderson]

Hi I hope you’re doing well today!

I just wanted to say it sucks what’s happening/happened to twitter and I’m sorry that it’s all come to this. I didn’t think I’d be so sad about what’s happening over there but seeing how many communities it’s affecting has been heartbreaking.

Sending you virtual snickerdoodles and hugs.

thank you so much <3 I know everyone likes to dunk on twitter (valid), but for many writers that is THE place where we connected with other writers. while I am finding many of my friends in other places, the fragmentation of the community really sucks. and it was also THE place where I felt like I was effective at building community and putting word out about my books, so the idea of trying to market without it - when marketing with it was already exhausting - also really sucks.

(I did get onto bluesky and am actually astonished at how much I like it so far? helps that a bunch of folks suddenly also all got in because I guess the twitter rebrand prompted older members to check for invite codes and find that they had several unused to hand out lol)

on the plus side, I've been able to connect with many of my friends on other platforms and generally have more than one way to get in touch with them <3 and I do have to admit that as much as the whole thing enrages me, it's also objectively funny because musk melon is an incompetent grapefruit who fails even the most basic tests of running a business

[onlyjaeyun]

Hey loveee, I know I haven’t written in such a long timeee, I’m sorry I was just so busy with studying, work and just life😭 I tried to only check tumblr once a day just to see if there’s a new ch chapter🤭 (or after hours (lovee the writer)), I hope you’re doing okay too!! I saw you sometimes were a bit stressed or something and just know it’s valid, if you need time take all the time you need we won’t be disappointed with you, literally never ever. Your health is your first priority and don’t forget that!

Besides that literally am Inlove with the recent chapters, ur way of writing and understanding the characters is so beautiful, the way u show their emotions literallt UWIAHIWJWJWHW it’s so good and the way hoon and yn communicate is so realistic

I also saw sometimes people liked to say backhanded stuff..or just straight up be rude😐 just know this smau is insanely good, you aren’t responsibly for whatever other people think or someone else’s triggers etc. It’s your smau and u decide what to write and if they don’t like it just move..

I wish u goodluck with everything in your life and I hope ur exams went well too!! I’ll try to write more again have a nice day and love uu, and once again you won’t disappoint us if you won’t write a chapter or take a break for a bit

hello my angel love!!!☀❁♥☆

thank you so much for checking in, I missed you :(( I really hope life's been treating you well besides the busy part and your taking good care of yourself! deffo means a lot to me to be one of the blogs you check up on regularly and I really hope my updates are some kind of help and motivation throughout your busy and exhausting days!!!☀

thank you so, so much for your sweet words, too! they really mean the world to me and I don't even know what to say bc I cant put into words just how much they mean to me. im sending you the biggest hug and a kiss and hope you have a great weekend. I love you so much!☀❁♥☆

[blackandwhiteandrose]

Trivia Tuesday -> What-the-fact Wednesday

Creators: give a “behind the scenes” look at one of your works. This could be things that got removed or changed, the origins of ideas/details, whatever you like!

thanks for the tags @mostlyinthemorning and @hippolotamus!

In the past, I’ve seen/gotten comments about how many people I thank/acknowledge in my author’s notes. I guess some people think it’s excessive or something. If you can make it through the entire writing/posting process alone, you are a far stronger person than I am. 

Being creative is awesome, but it’s also exhausting. I’m a good writer, but I also really appreciate having a group (team?) of people that I know make me better.

So, this is my explanation:

When I thank someone in my author’s notes, it’s because they’ve contributed in some way and I’m big on giving credit where it’s due. Whether it was a line or an idea or answering some weirdo questions I asked them - whatever it may be - I’m grateful that person was involved.

I have my CFOs (chief flailing officials) who are legit necessary to my accomplishing anything ever. Like most of the characters I love, I have a praise kink that can be seen from space. At various intervals or when I get stuck, I need someone to get in the doc, take a look around and go “this doesn’t suck, please proceed”, give me a headpat, and send me on my way to make more words.

I love to get opinions from someone who looks at stuff/processes differently than I do because they’re going to notice things that would never occur to me. As much as I need validation, I also need someone to tell me something isn’t working/sounds weird/feels out of place. 

And a grammar wrangler. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never met a comma I didn’t want to stick somewhere unnecessary and you can try to pry my em dashes out of my cold, dead hands. I finally (basically) trained myself out of ellipses (you’re welcome). I’ve even gone back and removed probably thousands of them from my earliest fics. So I’m thankful to have someone who actually understands punctuation and is willing to wade through all of my extraneous commas. 

Very honestly, I would encourage everyone who writes to find someone (or several someones) that you trust to be collaborators. More eyeballs and brains produce better results and I’m so glad there are people who are willing to be my  creative process partners in crime. 

[scottxlogan]

Writing Questions Tag Game!

I was tagged by @mischief-and-tea-by-the-sea Thanks for the tag. We’ll see how it goes!

Doing this under the cut:

What is your absolute all-time favourite idea you’ve ever had?

My favorite idea I’ve ever had was something about time travel yet unexplored in writing. I was inspired by an outing with my sister and when it hit me my sister was like yes it’s brilliant lol, but I’ve yet to write it. I understand that’s vague but it was a fun idea. As for favorite ideas I think my favorite ideas are the ones where things just pop into my head and are silly and fun. I have so many of them that I can’t really pinpoint which one is my favorite, which is a lame response but that’s where I’m at lol.

Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you and you still think about sometimes?

Probably the time that someone asked me why do you do this when no one likes you or your writing. I know that’s a TERRIBLE answer but that troll question is something that sticks out in my head and kind of guides a lot of what I do moving forward. It was just such a mean, vague question that sometimes when I’m having an off day I think about it and wonder what it’s all for but then I write something and get it out there and I think to myself that I did that. Even if no one reads it I brought something to life that wasn’t there before I put it together and that’s pretty cool. I don’t know, but that sticks out a lot.

What is your favourite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

My favorite part is being able to create and world build. I do a lot of fanfic but I’ve also dabbled in original fic as well and to be honest I just love the idea of watching an idea grow and flourish evolving into something that goes above and beyond my own initial ideas. It’s just fun seeing how things develop and evolve. I think that’s my favorite part of it all. I could take or leave that whole need to feel validated by statistics. All too often people get caught up in the height of likes, comments, hits, etc. It’s exhausting and it can be a self-defeating part of it all if you allow it to get inside your head and stew there. Working on something you’re proud of is such a good feeling, but allowing the self-defeating idea of not having anyone paying attention can spoil something so great you’ve accomplished and that’s the part I would totally want to put behind me.

What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

Because when I think of my existence in the grand scheme of things that one thing that always sticks out is imagining I couldn’t write and how much that would be terrible once I’m not longer around because I love writing. Writing has gotten me through a lot of points in my life even before I realized why I needed to do it. There’s just something about that freedom writing or creating provides that just allows you to go places beyond what you thought possible.

What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

That it’s okay not to be perfect with what you do. I’m a perfectionist by nature so it’s hard for me to not be overly judgmental about things that I’ve done and how I could improve upon it. Whether it’s writing or art I’m always second guessing stuff and in the beginning I wish I could’ve told myself to ease up on that and just have fun. Also that there was more than the word ‘said’ as my early writing included that a lot.

What is your favourite story you’ve written TO COMPLETION? Link it if you’d like and can!

My favorite story I’ve ever written to completion as of this point is probably a WinterIron one called  End of the Line just because this was a GIGANTIC endeavor and my very first story in fandom. I worked so hard on this one writing it entirely without the benefit of an audience through the process until it was finished and going through posting. It was just such a great experience in that kind of writing freedom that for me I see it as a great triumph in the accomplishment I made and it opened the door to a new ship for me so it was a double win!

What is your favourite out-of-the-box quote?

“I like it yeah!” (No it’s not my quote and no it’s not the best quote ever, but it holds a meaning that perhaps only a few people will understand. I would think a few people following me on my tumblr have been around long enough to know what it means, but I’ll drop a hint below). It makes me smile all the time ;-) Probably not how I was supposed to answer that but it’s what popped in my head lol

Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

I’m going to roll with Scott Summers on this because it’s a mixed bag on whether people love or hate him. Scott isn’t the hip fun guy (sorry X-Men Apocalypse but you got him super wrong!) and he’s the guy who gets things done. His take charge focus on what is needed to be done makes him someone people like to complain about a lot. Anything Scott has done wrong gets put under a microscope and is put out there to support why people hate the character, but it’s just ridiculous. Scott is such a fascinating character, who with his background could’ve easily become a villain, but he’s a hero through and through and there’s something about him that really resonates with me. He doesn’t back down from a fight and does what’s right by his people even it it comes at a great risk to his personal sacrifice and well being. There’s so much about him that I love and support even if the poor guy is bad for himself in his quest to be the best leader he can be so yeah...that’s my answer.

If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

My younger self would be STUNNED at all the changes we’ve made since writing original horror mystery stories by hand and thinking they were really a big deal. Life has given me plenty of experiences and opportunities to grow and learn and now that I’m a bit older I don’t have the influence of others skewing what I want to create and that’s such a fun freeing feeling. I think my younger self would be surprised at how much I put out there and have fun with. Writing is an exploration of creativity and fun to be had. As a kid I think a lot of it was a coping mechanism and I grew a lot for it in my life experiences I guess.

Thanks for tagging me! This felt like a mini self-analysis lol so thanks for that. It was fun!  

Tagging: @naughtyneganjdm, @sgfic, @sammy-souffle, @chaoticgardenbread, @onekisstotakewithme, @just-fandomthings​ and really anyone who wants to take part in this. No pressure to to this but it’s here if anyone is inclined to do so :)​

[strawberries-and-apples]

Do you know about american poetess Sylvia Plath ? In The Bell Jar, she wrote a poem called “The Fig tree”. This is how it reads :

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

This poem perfectly describes how I feel. There are so many things that I want to do, hobbies that I want to pursue, objectives that I want to complete. But I know that each day only has 24hours, I know that I can’t do everything I desire to do...

It hurts me when I see people who had it figured out. There’s a Korean girl group currently that’s extremely popular. I’m rarely envious about kpop groups because - usually, there’s always something I don’t really like about their music, their concept, or simply how their career is being organized, and I feel like if I was in the group, and had no choice or say in that matter, I would be quite upset no? But this group is different. Everything : from their music, to their choreographies, their clothes, their bond, their success... Everything is so perfect and enviable. And what hurts the most? These girls are teenagers.

They’re teenagers, and they’re living such a full life with so many memories. They get to form an incredibly close bond with girls their age, a friendship that could last a lifetime - meanwhile, I still struggle to get in touch with my friends I spent my entire childhood with once we graduated high school. 

I know I shouldn’t be jealous, or upset, but I am. I feel like my dreams are pale and boring in comparison. But what can I do? I can’t be reborn into one of them. I have to live my life, give up on this prospect forever and accept that the experiences they’re going through, will be locked away from me forever.

Of course, I know not everything is rosy and pink, I know that the reality is exhausting for them, it’s a job at the end of the day : but that doesn’t remove the bitterness I feel in my heart writing this. The truth is, I’m so unsure of who I want to become, so it’s hard for me to run full force towards a specific goal. Because I always look back, I always wonder what else I could be missing on, I always fear I’ll end up regretting it. And I’m young for now - but that will end very soon. And the looming pressure of time weighs over me, reminding me every second that there is a clock, somewhere, ticking. 

What else do I want to be ? An artist, a seamstress, a writer, a creator... A musician, maybe, an engineer, a politician, a businesswoman, a ballerina... I want to study Chinese, then Japanese, then Russian, then Chinese again, because I just can’t commit to anything, not even myself. I feel such profound shame and I know that someone happy and feeling confident with themselves would not feel such bitterness when seeing very young girls accomplish their dreams. But I do. And I can’t lie that, standing on a stage, having the entire world love you, validate you, tell you how much you’re special and how important you are to them, all of that may play a part... I am a selfish individual after all...

I just hope that when I read back on this in a few years, I won’t feel the same way...

16/04/2023, 9:07

#feminism #Sylvia Plath #jealousy

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

“Elliot Page doesn’t remember exactly how long he had been asking.

But he does remember the acute feeling of triumph when, around age 9, he was finally allowed to cut his hair short. “I felt like a boy,” Page says. “I wanted to be a boy. I would ask my mom if I could be someday.” Growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Page visualized himself as a boy in imaginary games, freed from the discomfort of how other people saw him: as a girl. After the haircut, strangers finally started perceiving him the way he saw himself, and it felt both right and exciting.

The joy was short-lived. Months later, Page got his first break, landing a part as a daughter in a Canadian mining family in the TV movie Pit Pony. He wore a wig for the film, and when Pit Pony became a TV show, he grew his hair out again. “I became a professional actor at the age of 10,” Page says. And pursuing that passion came with a difficult compromise. “Of course I had to look a certain way.”

We are speaking in late February. It is the first interview Page, 34, has given since disclosing in December that he is transgender, in a heartfelt letter posted to Instagram, and he is crying before I have even uttered a question. “Sorry, I’m going to be emotional, but that’s cool, right?” he says, smiling through his tears.

It’s hard for him to talk about the days that led up to that disclosure. When I ask how he was feeling, he looks away, his neck exposed by a new short haircut. After a pause, he presses his hand to his heart and closes his eyes. “This feeling of true excitement and deep gratitude to have made it to this point in my life,” he says, “mixed with a lot of fear and anxiety.”

It’s not hard to understand why a trans person would be dealing with conflicting feelings in this moment. Increased social acceptance has led to more young people describing themselves as trans—1.8% of Gen Z compared with 0.2% of boomers, according to a recent Gallup poll—yet this has fueled conservatives who are stoking fears about a “transgender craze.” President Joe Biden has restored the right of transgender military members to serve openly, and in Hollywood, trans people have never had more meaningful time onscreen. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling is leveraging her cultural capital to oppose transgender equality in the name of feminism, and lawmakers are arguing in the halls of Congress over the validity of gender identities. “Sex has become a political football in the culture wars,” says Chase Strangio, deputy director for transgender justice at the ACLU.

(Full article with photos continued under the “read more”)

And so Page—who charmed America as a precocious pregnant teenager in Juno, constructed dreamscapes in Inception and now stars in Netflix’s hit superhero show The Umbrella Academy, the third season of which he’s filming in Toronto—expected that his news would be met with both applause and vitriol. “What I was anticipating was a lot of support and love and a massive amount of hatred and transphobia,” says Page. “That’s essentially what happened.” What he did not anticipate was just how big this story would be. Page’s announcement, which made him one of the most famous out trans people in the world, started trending on Twitter in more than 20 countries. He gained more than 400,000 new followers on Instagram on that day alone. Thousands of articles were published. Likes and shares reached the millions. Right-wing podcasters readied their rhetoric about “women in men’s locker rooms.” Casting directors reached out to Page’s manager saying it would be an honor to cast Page in their next big movie.

So, it was a lot. Over the course of two conversations, Page will say that understanding himself in all the specifics remains a work in progress. Fathoming one’s gender, an identity innate and performed, personal and social, fixed and evolving, is complicated enough without being under a spotlight that never seems to turn off. But having arrived at a critical juncture, Page feels a deep sense of responsibility to share his truth. “Extremely influential people are spreading these myths and damaging rhetoric—every day you’re seeing our existence debated,” Page says. “Transgender people are so very real.”

That role in Pit Pony led to other productions and eventually, when Page was 16, to a film called Mouth to Mouth. Playing a young anarchist, Page had a chance to cut his hair again. This time, he shaved it off completely. The kids at his high school teased him, but in photos he has posted from that time on social media he looks at ease. Page’s head was still shaved when he mailed in an audition tape for the 2005 thriller Hard Candy. The people in charge of casting asked him to audition again in a wig. Soon, the hair was back.

Page’s tour de force performance in Hard Candy led, two years later, to Juno, a low-budget indie film that brought Page Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominations and sudden megafame. The actor, then 21, struggled with the stresses of that ascension. The endless primping, red carpets and magazine spreads were all agonizing reminders of the disconnect between how the world saw Page and who he knew himself to be. “I just never recognized myself,” Page says. “For a long time I could not even look at a photo of myself.” It was difficult to watch the movies too, especially ones in which he played more feminine roles.

Page loved making movies, but he also felt alienated by Hollywood and its standards. Alia Shawkat, a close friend and co-star in 2009’s Whip It,describes all the attention from Juno as scarring. “He had a really hard time with the press and expectations,” Shawkat says. “‘Put this on! And look this way! And this is sexy!’”

By the time he appeared in blockbusters like X-Men: The Last Stand and Inception, Page was suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. He didn’t know, he says, “how to explain to people that even though [I was] an actor, just putting on a T-shirt cut for a woman would make me so unwell.” Shawkat recalls Page’s struggles with clothes. “I’d be like, ‘Hey, look at all these nice outfits you’re getting,’ and he would say, ‘It’s not me. It feels like a costume,’” she says. Page tried to convince himself that he was fine, that someone who was fortunate enough to have made it shouldn’t have complaints. But he felt exhausted by the work required to “just exist,” and thought more than once about quitting acting.

In 2014, Page came out as gay, despite feeling for years that “being out was impossible” given his career. (Gender identity and sexual orientation are, of course, distinct, but one queer identity can coexist with another.) In an emotional speech at a Human Rights Campaign conference, Page talked about being part of an industry “that places crushing standards” on actors and viewers alike. “There are pervasive stereotypes about masculinity and femininity that define how we’re all supposed to act, dress and speak,” Page went on. “And they serve no one.”

The actor started wearing suits on the red carpet. He found love, marrying choreographer Emma Portner in 2018. He asserted more agency in his career, producing his own films with LGBTQ leads like Freeheld and My Days of Mercy. And he made a masculine wardrobe a condition of taking roles. Yet the daily discord was becoming unbearable. “The difference in how I felt before coming out as gay to after was massive,” says Page. “But did the discomfort in my body ever go away? No, no, no, no.”

In part, it was the isolation forced by the pandemic that brought to a head Page’s wrestling with gender. (Page and Portner separated last summer, and the two divorced in early 2021. “We’ve remained close friends,” Page says.) “I had a lot of time on my own to really focus on things that I think, in so many ways, unconsciously, I was avoiding,” he says. He was inspired by trailblazing trans icons like Janet Mock and Laverne Cox, who found success in Hollywood while living authentically. Trans writers helped him understand his feelings; Page saw himself reflected in P. Carl’s memoir Becoming a Man. Eventually “shame and discomfort” gave way to revelation. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” Page says, “and letting myself fully become who I am.”

This led to a series of decisions. One was asking the world to call him by a different name, Elliot, which he says he’s always liked. Page has a tattoo that says E.P. PHONE HOME, a reference to a movie about a young boy with that name. “I loved E.T. when I was a kid and always wanted to look like the boys in the movies, right?” he says. The other decision was to use different pronouns—for the record, both he/him and they/them are fine. (When I ask if he has a preference on pronouns for the purposes of this story, Page says, “He/him is great.”)

A day before we first speak, Page will talk to his mom about this interview and she will tell him, “I’m just so proud of my son.” He grows emotional relating this and tries to explain that his mom, the daughter of a minister, who was born in the 1950s, was always trying to do what she thought was best for her child, even if that meant encouraging young Page to act like a girl. “She wants me to be who I am and supports me fully,” Page says. “It is a testament to how people really change.”

Another decision was to get top surgery. Page volunteers this information early in our conversation; at the time he posted his disclosure on Instagram, he was recovering in Toronto. Like many trans people, Page emphasizes being trans isn’t all about surgery. For some people, it’s unnecessary. For others, it’s unaffordable. For the wider world, the media’s focus on it has sensationalized transgender bodies, inviting invasive and inappropriate questions. But Page describes surgery as something that, for him, has made it possible to finally recognize himself when he looks in the mirror, providing catharsis he’s been waiting for since the “total hell” of puberty. “It has completely transformed my life,” he says. So much of his energy was spent on being uncomfortable in his body, he says. Now he has that energy back.

For the transgender community at large, visibility does not automatically lead to acceptance. Around the globe, transgender people deal disproportionately with violence and discrimination. Anti-trans hate crimes are on the rise in the U.K. along with increasingly transphobic rhetoric in newspapers and tabloids. In the U.S., in addition to the perennial challenges trans people face with issues like poverty and homelessness, a flurry of bills in state legislatures would make it a crime to provide transition-related medical care to trans youth. And crass old jokes are still in circulation. When Biden lifted the ban on open service for transgender troops, Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che did a bit on Weekend Update about the policy being called “don’t ask, don’t tuck.”

Page says coming out as trans was “selfish” on one level: “It’s for me. I want to live and be who I am.” But he also felt a moral imperative to do so, given the times. Human identity is complicated and mysterious, but politics insists on fitting everything into boxes. In today’s culture wars, simplistic beliefs about gender—e.g., chromosomes = destiny—are so widespread and so deep-seated that many people who hold those beliefs don’t feel compelled to consider whether they might be incomplete or prejudiced. On Feb. 24, after a passionate debate on legislation that would ban discrimination against LGBTQ people, Representative Marie Newman, an Illinois Democrat, proudly displayed the pride flag in support of her daughter, who is trans. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Georgia Republican, responded by hanging a poster outside her office that read: There are TWO genders: MALE & FEMALE.

The next day Dr. Rachel Levine, who stands to become the first openly transgender federal official confirmed by the Senate, endured a tirade from Senator Rand Paul about “genital mutilation” during her confirmation hearing. My second conversation with Page happens shortly after this. He brings it up almost immediately, and seems both heartbroken and determined. He wants to emphasize that top surgery, for him, was “not only life-changing but lifesaving.” He implores people to educate themselves about trans lives, to learn how crucial medical care can be, to understand that lack of access to it is one of the many reasons that an estimated 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide, according to one survey.

Page has been in the political trenches for a while, having leaned into progressive activism after coming out as queer in 2014. For two seasons, he and best friend Ian Daniel filmed Gaycation, a Viceland series that explored LGBTQ culture around the world and, at one point, showed Page grilling Senator Ted Cruz at the Iowa State Fair about discrimination against queer people. In 2019, Page made a documentary called There’s Something in the Water, which explores environmental hardships experienced by communities of color in Nova Scotia, with $350,000 of his own money. That activism extends to his own industry: in 2017, he published a Facebook post that, among other things, accused director Brett Ratner of forcibly outing him as gay on the set of an X-Men movie. (A representative for Ratner did not respond to a request for comment.)

As a trans person who is white, wealthy and famous, Page has a unique kind of privilege, and with it an opportunity to advocate for those with less. According to the U.S. Trans Survey, a large-scale report from 2015, transgender people of color are more likely to experience unemployment, harassment by police and refusals of medical care. Nearly half of all Black respondents reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed and/or physically attacked in the past year. Trans people as a group fare much worse on such stats than the general population. “My privilege has allowed me to have resources to get through and to be where I am today,” Page says, “and of course I want to use that privilege and platform to help in the ways I can.”

Since his disclosure, Page has been mostly quiet on social media. One exception has been to tweet on behalf of the ACLU, which is in the midst of fighting anti-trans bills and laws around the country, including those that ban transgender girls and women from participating in sports. Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves says he will sign such a bill in the name of “protect[ing] young girls.” Page played competitive soccer and vividly recalls the agony of being told he would have to play on the girls’ team once he aged out of mixed-gender squads. After an appeal, Page was allowed to play with the boys for an additional year. Today, several bills list genitalia as a requirement for deciding who plays on which team. “I would have been in that position as a kid,” Page says. “It’s horrific.”

All this advocacy is unlikely to make life easier. “You can’t enter into certain spaces as a public trans person,” says the ACLU’s Strangio, “without being prepared to spend some percentage of your life being threatened and harassed.” Yet, while he seems overwhelmed at times, Page is also eager. Many of the political attacks on trans people—whether it is a mandate that bathroom use be determined by birth sex, a blanket ban on medical interventions for trans kids or the suggestion that trans men are simply wayward women beguiled by male privilege—carry the same subtext: that trans people are mistaken about who they are. “We know who we are,” Page says. “People cling to these firm ideas [about gender] because it makes people feel safe. But if we could just celebrate all the wonderful complexities of people, the world would be such a better place.”

Even if Page weren’t vocal, his public presence would communicate something powerful. That is in part because of what Paisley Currah, a professor of political science at Brooklyn College, calls “visibility gaps.” Historically, trans women have been more visible, in culture and in Hollywood, than trans men. There are many explanations: Our culture is obsessed with femininity. Men’s bodies are less policed and scrutinized. Patriarchal people tend to get more emotional about who is considered to be in the same category as their daughters. “And a lot of trans men don’t stand out as trans,” says Currah, who is a trans man himself. “I think we’ve taken up less of the public’s attention because masculinity is sort of the norm.”

During our interviews, Page will repeatedly refer to himself as a “transgender guy.” He also calls himself nonbinary and queer, but for him, transmasculinity is at the center of the conversation right now. “It’s a complicated journey,” he says, “and an ongoing process.”

While the visibility gap means that trans men have been spared some of the hate endured by trans women, it has also meant that people like Page have had fewer models. “There were no examples,” Page says of growing up in Halifax in the 1990s. There are many queer people who have felt “that how they feel deep inside isn’t a real thing because they never saw it reflected back to them,” says Tiq Milan, an activist, author and transgender man. Page offers a reflection: “They can see that and say, ‘You know what, that’s who I am too,’” Milan says. When there aren’t examples, he says, “people make monsters of us.”

For decades, that was something Hollywood did. As detailed in the 2020 Netflix documentary Disclosure, transgender people have been portrayed onscreen as villainous and deceitful, tragic subplots or the butt of jokes. In a sign of just how far the industry has come—spurred on by productions like Pose and trailblazers like Mock—Netflix offered to change the credits on The Umbrella Academy the same day that its star posted his statement on social media. Now when an episode ends, the first words viewers see are “Elliot Page.”

Today, there are many out trans and nonbinary actors, directors and producers. Storylines involving trans people are more common, more respectful. Sometimes that aspect of identity is even incidental, rather than the crux of a morality tale. And yet Hollywood can still seem a frightening place for LGBTQ people to come out. “It’s an industry that says, ‘Don’t do that,’” says director Silas Howard, who got his break on Amazon’s show Transparent, which made efforts to hire transgender crew members. “I wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t have a trans initiative,” Howard says. “I’m always aware of that.”

So what will it mean for Page’s career? While Page has appeared in many projects, he also faced challenges landing female leads because he didn’t fit Hollywood’s narrow mold. Since Page’s Instagram post, his team is seeing more activity than they have in years. Many of the offers coming in—to direct, to produce, to act—are trans-related, but there are also some “dude roles.”

Downtime in quarantine helped Page accept his gender identity. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” he says.

Page was attracted to the role of Vanya in The Umbrella Academy because—in the first season, released in 2019—Vanya is crushed by self-loathing, believing herself to be the only ordinary sibling in an extraordinary family. The character can barely summon the courage to move through the world. “I related to how much Vanya was closed off,” Page says. Now on set filming the third season, co-workers have seen a change in the actor. “It seems like there’s a tremendous weight off his shoulders, a feeling of comfort,” says showrunner Steve Blackman. “There’s a lightness, a lot more smiling.” For Page, returning to set has been validating, if awkward at times. Yes, people accidentally use the wrong pronouns—“It’s going to be an adjustment,” Page says—but co-workers also see and acknowledge him.

The debate over whether cisgender people, who have repeatedly collected awards for playing trans characters, should continue to do so has largely been settled. However, trans actors have rarely been considered for cisgender parts. Whatever challenges might lie ahead, Page seems exuberant about playing a new spectrum of roles. “I’m really excited to act, now that I’m fully who I am, in this body,” Page says. “No matter the challenges and difficult moments of this, nothing amounts to getting to feel how I feel now.”

This includes having short hair again. During our interview, Page keeps rearranging strands on his forehead. It took a long time for him to return to the barber’s chair and ask to cut it short, but he got there. And how did that haircut feel?

Page tears up again, then smiles. “I just could not have enjoyed it more,” he says.”

[ticklepinions]

ok why do you support two of the most toxic writers in the community? It’s confusing. You’re a nice person so it’s a bit weird to see. Dani and Inthecloset are both very overwhelming people.

Really? Like seriously dude?

You're entitled to your opinion and all that jazz but tell me what this is supposed to do? Like what are your goals??? Do you want me to hate them too???

Life is so short. So very short and I, personally, am not gonna waste it by hating on people. It's exhausting don't you think?

As for why I support them, I love them. I love their work, I love the content the create. I love their personalities and thoughts and aspirations. I love everything about them. And they deserve every ounce of love I have to offer them.

If you particularly don't like them, fine. Valid. Block button is your friend. However, it's just really petty to come into my askbox, badmouthing people. I don't care if you think it's warranted or not. I am an autonomous being, fully capable of making informed decisions. I appreciate your "concern" but I'm fine; currently living my best life with content creators I support and enjoy.

I mean honestly just get to know them and maybe you can understand them better? Idk man but just don't do shit like this ever again.

Everyone out here is just trying their best to be. Let's normalize distancing ourselves from people we may dislike without the need or want to tear them down.