#tw narc parents

[a-sip-of-milo]

Guess what. You can recognise that your parents were trying their best and still acknowledge that they messed up. Stop telling people who open up about their childhood trauma that they're ungrateful because they haven't forgotten about the fact that the people who raised them hurt them.

DNI if you believe in cluster-B abuse.

[ribbitflings]

devastated to rediscover that i cannot feel love at all, and even though, upon research, this is common among those that were emotionally neglected, i still discovered that i have that particular subject locked in a box so tightly that i can and will dissociate immediately if i even try to open it, worse than the one particular type of abuse i refuse to address over all the other types ive dealt with

[unami-anamo0y]

[bpdstevenuniverse]

are there any therapists on youtube that DON’T talk about “narcissistic abuse” or villainize narcissists? because it seems like all of them talk this way and it’s so infuriating. if anyone has recs please feel free to reblog <3

[h3ntaichrist]

back here to djfdsldhsldjkhf more into the void that is my blog about how im feeling because it's the only place there isn't someone who will read it and try to make me answer for it

july 15th can't get here soon enough. i'm at a point where i truly don't feel like there is anything left for me here. how the FUCK was i born into such a ridiculous fucking family? i know i'm not the only one who deals with shitty family members but jesus fucking christ, getting an immediate family member of mine to actually give a real shit about me is like pulling fucking teeth. my dad, mom, grandparents, and younger siblings all have their respective heads so far up their own asses, it's insane. i've never seen anything like it before in my life. i feel utterly abandoned by the only people you're like...predispositioned to give a shit about and feel allegiant to??? all of them. caleb and i have gotten closer and he's been a little more supportive recently but... does it make up for everything else? lol man idk. the only family member alive i can tell you i know loves me genuinely and unconditionally is chandler. i say alive because if nonna were, she'd make the list, too. my aunts and uncles, they can all fuck off into the sun. when i was a teenager and my mom was in and out of crackhouses, not a single one of them (her siblings) bothered to ever pick up the phone and call me or caleb. we shouldered that shit alone. no one fucking cares, man. they really just don't.

& i realize that for years i've been begging for everyone to just fucking care in a way that is authentic. because i quite literally cannot feel anything from your efforts when it isn't. i can't help that i can see all the ways in which you're still so wrapped up in your own bullshit. i can't help that i know there is nothing genuine about whats coming out of your mouth. i can't help that i can see the places you need to heal before you can. i'm sorry that i can't just accept what like 95% of everyone else is okay with, apparently.

if i hadn't found one singular person who understands, accepts, loves, appreciates and shares in that shit with me, i'd say i don't wanna be this way anymore. sometimes i still say i don't cause its fucking lonely.

but it won't be anymore, as of july 15th. my oh my, idk where i'd be without my georgia peach @poke-berry <3

[thornrichards-101]

Good morning. Gonna visit my aunt in the hospital today, but I wish I didn't need to. Why the fuck would I want to see the bitch who's been abusing me for most of my life?

[catsanddemonssystem]

Abuser: wait you have NPD.

Me: yes

Abuser: wait your just not taking responsibility for your behaviors.

Me: NPD is a childhood trauma disorder.

Abuser: bro just take responsibility for your behaviors.

My: ya no your parents are abusive.

[lolothesilly]

it's really really disturbing to me that people have come up with a whole word specifically for "regular abuse, but specifically performed by someone with this particular mental illness"

like. okay. yes mentally ill people can be abusers. just like every other human being on the planet. we all have that capability. i'm not here to say it's IMPOSSIBLE to be abused by someone with NPD. okay? okay.

BUT, that's... just abuse? we don't say shit like "i was abused by an autistic person, so it was Autistic Abuse, which is distinct from other kinds of abuse solely because it was perpetrated by an autistic person!". like that would be completely unhinged, right?? we can agree on that??

but for some reason being, say, psychologically abused by someone with NPD, is distinct enough from every other example of psychological abuse to need its own name... specifically because of this one mental illness?

im sorry but "abusive" is NOT a diagnostic requirement for NPD.

i found a free ebook copy of the DSM-5 just to check. for a diagnosis of NPD, you need at least five of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

Believes that they are "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

Requires excessive admiration.

Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations).

Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends).

Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. [Clarified in Diagnostic Features section as including inability as well as unwillingness].

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

so like. okay. there's nine criteria here, and you need five of them, right? the only One of these that is inherently abusive is the one about interpersonal exploitation. everything else ranges from "maybe annoying but ultimately harmless" to "potentially, but not automatically, harmful".

so we've taken a group of mentally ill people and used the name of their disorder to name a particular type of abuse which, by definition, is just other types of abuse but done by an NPD person.

does everyone not see how fucked that is ??

stop using mentally ill people as a scapegoat! there are already words for different kinds of abuse, the only thing this one serves to do is stigmatize a group of people who are themselves at higher than average risk of abuse! stop it already!!

[a-sip-of-milo]

Things I did as a child that I didn't realise were results of abuse

Refusing to flush the toilet or drink water after/before a certain time. This was due to my parents getting extremely angry whenever I came out of my room after eight o'clock or before four or five in the morning, even for emergencies or necessary reasons.

Stashing rubbish in my room. I remember multiple times throughout my childhood where we would have to move house, and as they were taking apart my bedroom, they'd come across piles upon piles of empty food packets or drink cans (coca cola, sprite, etc.) that I'd hidden from them. Turns out I was terrified of getting into trouble for "stealing" communal food due to my parents' controls around what I ate and would hide the evidence where I knew i'd get away with it for the longest.

Tip-toeing around the house, even throughout the day. I would get into trouble for the mere act of being in the same room as my parents sometimes, which taught me to walk on the tips of my feet or even crawl to avoid being noticed.

Physically/verbally/emotionally abusing my siblings. I had no control over what my parents did to me. So, as the eldest sibling, I eventually learnt to take it out on the ones who I deemed "lesser" than me. Which was, at the time, my three younger siblings. I mirrored my parents behaviour because I knew it was what I could get away with most easily. I lied to get my siblings into trouble. I made all three of them miserable because I was miserable, and while all three of them have since forgiven me, it is something that I will always be ashamed of.

Suffering through days/weeks of health issues and pain without telling anyone. I was never taken seriously or I was accused of faking it to get out of school. In cases of UTI's, I was terrified of being sexualised or accused of things along those lines (which is something that they'd absolutely done before) which led me to keeping my mouth shut about it. This has led to chronic physical illnesses now.

Constantly breaking things. Wasn't able to have attachments to things because they'd always get taken away from me/were given with conditions (even the stuff that were supposed to be mine), so everything got broken or lost.

Never. Ever. Crying. I cry a lot now, whether I'm happy or sad or overwhelmed. But as a child, I was bullied for crying by my parents and my siblings (that was not their fault, they learnt it from our parents) until I learnt to just suppress it.

Having full on panic attacks when going home after spending a weekend away. This became a thing that happened pretty much every weekend I'd spend with my grandmother. I'd hide, take longer to pack or get on my horse real quick to slow down the process of leaving. When i'd eventually have to be forced into the car, it was nothing but crying and screaming to be let out again. Eventually, my mother threatened to stop letting me see my grandmother all together if I didn't stop behaving that way (and even went through with it for several years, which is the time in which I became familiar with the dot point right above this one)

DNI if you believe in cluster-B abuse. You're not welcome here.

[mars-ipan]

i sometimes worry about how much this website romanticizes drug use

[us-costco-official]

tw: vent, mental health discussion, bad parents, written in second person for some reason

hi.

let me set the scene for you. you, a 14 year old boy, have always struggled with people. they’re so complex and confusing and you hate most of them. you have two sisters, an older sister, the scapegoat and a younger sister, the naive one. and you. the golden child.

two mentally ill parents in the process of getting a divorce. you find yourself on your mother’s ‘side’. your father…is bad? he wasn’t involved in your life much, or so your mother tells you. you don’t remember your young childhood very well, honestly.

your mother….hm. your mother is a terribly insecure person, and was subject to some form of emotional abuser from your father, as she very frequently reminds you. she relies on you heavily. **heavily**. not just for helping with your siblings, but for…emotional support, often in the form of venting to you about your father. you have a tumultuous relationship, somewhat, at least. often very close, but it can turn harsh very quickly. your mother has few friends, and rarely leaves the house, making you one of her main forms of interaction and connection.

your father. your..father. you don’t know where to start with him, really. not like it’s a dramatic thing, you just….dont have much to say about him. apparently, he is an abusive person and a narcissist (to be clear, i am not a person who thinks ‘narc abuse’ should be a term that’s used). that’s what your mother says. and maybe he is. he probably is. but, as previously mentioned, not much of your childhood can be recalled, so you can’t be sure for yourself. he clearly favors your younger sister, and makes your mother and older sister out to be terrible people. where does that leave you? it’s subject to change. everyone always stays in those positions, but you. you fluctuate in his mind. sometimes he tries to keep you ‘on his side’ and sometimes he sees you as siding with your mother. you haven’t figured out why you were singled out. you may never.

so what is there to do? you are a mentally unhealthy teen who daydreams about violence and spends far too much of his life online and withdrawn. you want to change this, but you can’t. you just have to wait until you can leave your family, or at least distance yourself.

[libra-stellium]

Tw: narc mom

There’s been a sense of freedom in finding out that my mother is a narcissist. I’ve noticed all the signs my whole life but it was under the idea that oh it’s just MY mother that’s like this. It’s just HER personality.

This put so much pressure on me bc it made it MY situation and that it was up to me and my mother to find a solution. I truly believed that if I’m able to learn new information and change my behavior accordingly so could she! And it always felt like I was so close to a breakthrough with her like if I just found the right words she would understand the pain she’s causing me and she would change her behavior. If I just compromised on these boundaries she would respect me and respect other boundaries. And this just kept happening for years. I was being baited 🤷🏾‍♀️

Hearing stories of other people with narcissistic parents, especially a narcissistic mother, I realized oh my god I have not been living a unique experience!!!! All those things I thought were just my mother were some very basic narcissistic tactics! I did not feel dumb or ashamed for falling for it but instead I felt validated! Like WOW I was feeling the exact way I was supposed to feel under the circumstances! A product of narcissistic abuse is not trusting your feelings and getting outside confirmation that other people react the same way was amazing.

I felt silly last year when I stopped eating my favorite cereal. In May 2022 my mother was staying with me and she asked me for a bowl of cereal. Nothing unpleasant had happened yet during her stay bc I was playing “the good daughter” knowing that she would only be there for a week and I did not feel like recovering and picking up the pieces of myself after making her angry. I had two cereal options and she asked me which one I would choose and I said “this one is my favorite!” And she said okay she would go with that one. She made herself a big bowl of it and acted like she was excited to eat it. She took a regular spoonful of it and GAGGED!! I was shocked and looking at her so confused and I’m sitting there thinking she’s choking and she goes “this is disgusting I don’t like it at all how can you eat that???” I just shrugged and she walked to the kitchen and emptied the bowl.

Immediately I was having so many thoughts in my head like “omg you’re so naive!! Why would you tell her it was your favorite?? Don’t you know by now you shouldn’t share what you like with her??? Everything was going so well!!” I don’t remember anything after that! It’s now almost September 2023 and I still haven’t had a bowl of that cereal. To add context it’s Honey Bunches of Oats lol the regular one in the orange box 🙃 not some random flavor of cereal that has many flavors or a strong flavor or anything like that lol she 1000% did it purposefully to be hurtful!

Me from last year was trying to figure out what to do bc I had been keeping my bigger likes to myself bc I noticed the pattern and i didn’t want them ruined for me! But how can you have a relationship with someone where you can’t even tell them your favorite cereal????

Fast forward to this year I’m learning that a narcissistic person will literally tell you that your likes are horrible as a way to bring you down bc you’re feeling joy from that thing and the goal is to reinforce this idea that you don’t deserve to feel joy unless they tell you you can!

I saw this play out on an episode of Say Yes to the Dress where the daughter was so excited about the dress and the mother completely shut her down by saying she didn’t like the dress at all she didn’t think it looked good and that if the daughter wanted it she would pay for it but she wasn’t going to pretend to like it. The daughter looked exactly how I did in that moment with the cereal just very defeated and even though she loved the dress she said she didn’t like it and wanted to take it off. I felt so bad for her and I wanted her to wear the dress anyway but I also understood that she couldn’t bc now the dress is tainted with her mother’s comments! The same way I can’t think of cereal without being reminded of that interaction is the same way she would be reminded of her mother’s comment on her wedding day while she’s getting ready! And you can tell it was intentional in the episode bc there’s a clip of the mother pointing out the dress on the mannequin before saying how beautiful the dress is and then there’s another clip where as her daughter is trying on wedding dresses she’s complimenting the dress of the seamstress. It’s all just to reinforce the programming for the daughter that she is not important even when she’s a bride picking out her wedding dress and that she can’t trust herself bc she loved a dress that her mother completely disliked.

This episode was eye opening for me bc ever since I started day dreaming about getting married (Libra things lol) I always knew that I would either go find my dress by myself or I would take a couple of my closest friends with me! At the time I told myself it’s bc the women in my immediate family don’t get along and I don’t want to risk an argument during my fitting bc that would bring down the mood and that is not true at all! I just couldn’t admit to myself at the time that my mother would intentionally ruin the moment for me in some way! I couldn’t admit to myself that my mother would intentionally make me feel bad knowing how important that day would be for me.

I’m now 4 weeks no contact with her! She still sends the occasional text message telling me she misses me and loves me and I feel nothing most times but she sent me another message last night as I was watching a show and I broke down. As I watched the parent child relationship in front of me it was so heartbreaking to know that I’ve never had that and that I never will. Which is incredibly unfair!

[ootori-sibs]

Put a blade to my neck and call it a collar

Chapter three

Tw posion

Receiving treatment for the cyanide, Kyoya had a lot of time to think about what had happened. He'd been poisoned, it had clearly been an attempt on his life but he simply hadn't had enough for it to kick in before he could receive treatment. He'd had to bribe the doctors to make sure no one told his father what had happened, unfortunately he hadn't expanded that of course this included not telling any of his siblings either.

"Kyoya!" The call came as Kyoya's eldest brother entered the room, looking very concerned.

Kyoya just sighed, already bored, "hello Yuuichi."

Yuuichi Ootori, Kyoyas eldest brother, 14 years his senior and the clear winner for heir of the family business. Although their parents had always been cold and distant, Yuuichi had always made time for Kyoya and made it very clear that he would do anything for him.

Crouching down to fuss over Kyoya, Yuuichi silently checked for injuries before sighing. "Are you alright, I heard you were poisoned?"

"If you heard that I was posioned, why were you checking for injuries?"

"You might have gotten hurt as well, I don't know that!" Yuuichi pulls out a bag of tiny pretzels from his bag, "here, I brought you a snack. Do you know who poisoned you? Can you tell me?"

Kyoya took the pretzels, enjoying one before speaking finally. "No, I do know who did it but I cannot tell you, I told the culprit that I wouldn't tell father and I know that you would tell him if I were to tell you."

"Come on, Kyo," he sighed, "do I look like a narc?"

"Yes! Absolutely you do!" He raised his voice, exasperated by his brother attempting to be cool. On the other hand, he couldn't help but be amused by it, fighting back a smile. "The second I mention a name, I know you'll be running straight to father with that information. Even if you didn't, you wouldn't be able to get the culprit back without involving him."

Yuuichi ruffled his hair, Kyoya always hated it when he did that. "Is that so? So was it someone of higher standing than me? That's really concerning, Kyo, because that means it was an adult, doesn't it?" Standing up, Yuuichi began to pace. It was more than obvious that his rage was barely being concealed below the surface; his hands were shaking and his breath shook just as much. Yuuichi was a calm and level headed man, so the way his brow furrowed and his shoulders shuddered gave the impression that there was a lot more rage there than there appeared to be.

Kyoya had never seen his brother so angry, he wondered if Yuuichi had been so angry when he found out that father had hit him. Either way, the sight of his big brother so rage filled was frightening to a certain degree. It reminded him of when his father was angry… they did look so similar…

Watching him grit his teeth, it hasn't yet occured to Kyoya that a question had been asked of him. He was just silently watching his brother's anger threaten to spill over the surface. Although he knew that the anger was because someone had hurt him, the tiny irrational part of his brain that was still that small child wondering why his mama didn't come to comfort him in the night was terrified that the same anger born out of love for him, would be turned against him if he so much as breathed too loudly.

So he held his breath.

"Kyo?"

Yuuichi was kneeling before him again, and Kyoya felt dizzy. "Kyoya, are you alright? You just suddenly went silent, I-" He froze, and Kyoya saw his own fear mirrored in his brother's eyes. "Oh my god you're scared… you're scared of me?"

There was a profound sadness in the air and Kyoya wanted to cry and scream, he wanted to throw his arms around his brother and beg for forgiveness, to assure him that of course he isn't scared of his brother, that there's no one he feels safer around. He would never want to upset his brother, he adored his brother, he idolised him. How could he have made Yuuichi so upset? He-

Kyoya froze, he'd seen something change in Yuuichi's eyes, something incredibly interesting. It seemed his brother had caught his reflection in the metal doors of the cabinet, and he'd seen something there. Anger once again flashed through Yuuichi's eyes, then sadness, then, finally, guilt.

"Kyoya… it's not me you're scared of, is it?"

Kyoya shook his head, trying to keep his hands from shaking too.

"I look so much like father…" Yuuichi's voice shook again, but with something so different from rage this time, "I forget that's who you see in me."

"I'm sorry…" was all Kyoya could utter, barely audible, his own voice echoing the shivers in Yuuichi's tone.

Yuuichi's hands were warm, one of them gently touched Kyoya's cheek as the other held his hand. "Don't apologise, Kyoya, you've done nothing wrong. Please, please can you tell me who poisoned you? I won't tell father, I swear to you."

"I can't…" a solidarity tear rolled down Kyoya's cheek, he shook his head just a little. He couldn't yield, no matter how much he wanted to.

♡

Tamaki was furious. His grandmother had left the moment Kyoya had, leaving him to believe she had only shown up in order to hurt Kyoya, and hadn't actually wanted to spend time with Tamaki at all. His emotions were being used as a tool for her to be able to get the opportunity to hurt his best friend. Nothing made him more furious than being used.

Kyoya was the exception of course, Tamaki knew damn well that Kyoya was 'manipulating' him and to be honest he just let it happen. It was a harmless thing and it was obviously more comfortable for Kyoya than actually asking for things, so Tamaki didn't mind it. If he knew it was happening then it was hardly manipulation- sure the fact that Kyoya was putting the leaflets on his desk was a bit of a surprise, but that was only because Tamaki thought Kyoya was confident enough to ask him for things personally.

That was something that calmed him down but also upset him quite a bit. Thinking about the fact that Kyoya wasn't confident enough to ask Tamaki for certain themes; was it a matter of no confidence in his ideas or was Kyoya intimidated, or something like that?

It occured to Tamaki that Kyoya had said no to ideas that had come from the leaflets, those were Kyoya's own ideas. In fact, Kyoya was often meaner about the ideas that had come from the leaflets than the ideas that Tamaki had come up with himself… that didn't sit right with Tamaki at all. The fact that the more he thought about it, the less confident Kyoya seemed to be… well it was upsetting, to say the least.

Regardless, Tamaki was angry and he wanted to do something about it. Obviously confronting his grandmother about it would be a stupid idea, he wasn't an idiot, he couldn't do that. His next thought was to tip Kyoya's father off to what happened- or perhaps one of Kyoya's siblings, unfortunately that would make it look like Kyoya went against his word. Tamaki didn't want that. He needed to think of something better.

They had a day or two left of the holiday, and Tamaki wanted this over and done with by the time school started up again. He hated extra stress. That meant that he didn't have a lot of time to make and execute his plan.

Deciding to phone his darling girlfriend, Tamaki lay on his bed with his laptop open to an empty document. "Mon amour!" He called through the phone, "Haruhi! How are you, mon cherie?"

"Oh hey babe," Haruhi sounded disinterested, the sound of a scratching pen could be heard, "I'm fine, just doing some writing, what about you?"

Tamaki chuckled in response to her using a pet name, twirling his hair with his free hand as he did so. "Oh you're so smart and studious! I love that!"

"Thanks," Haruhi chuckled too, but Tamaki knew she was just finding him asmusing. He didn't mind, he just liked making her smile.

"Haruhi, I have a legal question."

"Oh?" There was the sound of her sitting up, and what Tamaki assumed was the sound of her grabbing her mother's legal book, "absolutely, what do you need?"

Taking a breath, Tamaki prepared to take notes. "This is a hypothetical, okay?"

"Mhm, hypothetical."

"So, say you were aware of an attempted murder, but you can't tell anyone or the victim will be in trouble. Without going to to police or committing a crime, what exactly can I do to get back at the criminal?"

"Hmm," Haruhi hummed in thought, "are you sure you don't want to commit a crime? If someone tried to kill someone I cared about, I would fight them there and then."

"I can't do that- in this hypothetical situation. The criminal is in a position of power over me."

"I see, well I'd say there's not much you can do that would get the criminal back in a way that is big enough. What was the method of attempted murder?"

"Poison, in some tea."

"Ooh!" Haruhi seemed excited by this news, flipping a few pages in her book. "Yeah you could absolutely put a non-lethal amount in her tea- was the poison in the teacup or the teapot?"

"I'm not sure…" Tamaki thought back to how his grandmother had insisted on pouring the tea herself, "oh maybe the teapot? She poured the tea herself."

Haruhi made a whistle at that, "ooh we've got a gender? And an assassin's teapot from the sound of it. Great!" It sounded like she was clapping her hands together before the turning of more pages. "Definitely just put a non-lethal amount in her own tea, it's not legal but you could get away with it in a court of law by playing dumb and making them think you didn't know there was any posion in the teapot."

The idea of doing something so actively malicious did scare Tamaki slightly, but on the other hand, the thought of Kyoya getting hurt was even more terrifying. It made his blood boil and he decided that he didn't care if he was breaking the law, he decided that his grandmother deserved a literal taste of her own medicine. "That's a good idea, hypothetically speaking."

"Of course, of course." Haruhi agreed, "oh, and Tamaki?"

"Yes mon amour?"

"This is hypothetical, right. I haven't actually just told you to poison someone, have I?"

"Oh no," he shook his head, despite being on the phone, "don't worry, I was just watching a movie and wanted your opinion."

"Okay good, love you babe."

"Love you do, my beloved." He waited for Haruhi to hang up, then sighed in relief. As much as he loved her, she did still believe that he was a moron. That wasn't nessarily a bad thing, however, as she'd just told him how to get away with attempted murder because he told her he was watching a movie. Maybe she was the moron in this situation- but Tamaki felt bad even thinking that. So he didn't.

Standing up, he knew his grandmother was in the main mansion, Tamaki wasn't allowed in the main mansion but he knew that she'd left the teapot in this one. Going to fetch it was easy, she'd left it on the table and the maids hadn't bothered to move it yet.

The hardest part was finding a good opportunity to pour some tea for her. His first thought was inviting his grandmother and his father for dinner and then pouring the tea before they even arrived, but he didn't want his father to cotton on to Tamaki's true intent and knew that he and his father were too much alike for him to get away with that. His next plan involved going to his grandmother's office for a friendly visit, he would send the teapot ahead of him, paying off one of the interns so they wouldn't mention he was the one that brought it.

He didn't do it the same day, he wasn't an idiot. He had the maids keep the poison in there, but removed the tea. Tamaki himself spent a little while watching videos explaining how to use an assassin's teapot, it was actually very interesting.

It was two days later when he got the chance, he hadn't done anything really during the day in-between, and he'd noticed he was missing any messages from his friends aside from a good morning text from Haruhi, and then one from Kyoya about two or three hours later. It was nice that both of them checked in with him every day. He loved them both so much.

He did wonder if not checking in on Kyoya made him a bad friend, but clearly Kyoya was alive, so it's not like Tamaki would be told if Kyoya felt bad; that boy was too closed off to be vulnerable. Because it was so rare, Tamaki looked forward to the times that Kyoya was vulnerable with him. He had elaborate fantasies where Kyoya fell into his arms, stifled, angelic tears in the sweet devil's eyes. He would comfort Kyoya, of course, and Kyoya would turn to him alone for comfort and affection.

To be fair, Kyoya already does that, but Tamaki wished he did it more. He wanted to be the only person who could make Kyoya smile- was that weird? He didn't think it was weird, that was just something best friends thought about each other.

[n-yujns]

CALL ME Y! MY PRONOUNS ARE THEY/VAMPS . I’M 14, BLACK & AUTISTIC. I JUST COME HERE TO VENT

TWs/CWs:

depression

anxiety

anorexia (venting about anorexia. i do not glorify it. hence why i don’t want pro-ana blogs following me.)

toxic parents

racism (venting about racism as a black american.)

internalized queerphobia

self-hatred

religious trauma (relating to christianity)

BYF: I’M PRO-RECOVERY. PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW ME IF YOU DON’T LIKE THAT KINDA THING. IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT I SAY IN MY VENTS THEN PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT OR FOLLOW ME TO SAVE US SOME TROUBLE!

DNFI: NSFW BLOGS, ED/PRO-ANA BLOGS, TERF/RADFEM BLOGS, PROSHIPPERS/LOLICONS/SHOTACONS/MAPs (PEDOS), RACISTS, QUEERPHOBES, MSPEC LESBIANS/GAYS & THEIR SUPPORTERS, ABLEISTS (yes, this includes people who demonize npd and believe that narc abuse is a thing). Please respect my boundaries. If I go on your blog to see that you align with any of these I will not hesitate to block you.

may add onto my tw/dnfi list if needed. i don’t really expect anyone to follow a vent account but its just in case.

[pandoruhsbox]

TW: blood, self harm, emotional abuse

I saw a TikTok video stating that the need for parents to teach their daughters that just because he cries and threatens to hurt himself doesn’t mean he’s still not lying to you and manipulating you. And that in and of itself is a form of manipulation that needs to be walked away from.

And it made me think of my POS narc ex that used to do that. Granted we both had mental health issues we both had shitty households and when I’d finally get tired of his shit or I’d find out he’d cheated for the millionth time he’d cry and get whiney with snot all over his face and tell me how he can’t live without me. How no one would love me like he does. No one would want the girl who forced her bf to kill himself because she was being a cold hearted bitch.

And the one time I stood my ground. The one time I was totally serious, he grabbed a kitchen knife off my counter and cut his arm infront of me and then fled from my house. And for the rest of the day I called his house, because this was before everyone had cell phones of their own. Like I had a cell phone but he didn’t, so I called and called and pissed off his whole household. I didn’t hear from him the whole next day either and my parents were strict and my mom could give a rats ass and she didn’t like him anyway so it’s not like I could just walk to his house. I didn’t live in a great area and certain streets between out houses were known for shootings and gang activity.

Anyway the evening of the next day around 9, a mutual frien of ours showed up to my house and told me my ex-boyfriend had killed him self the day before. I was in total shock, but it just didn’t sit right. I didn’t believe him and I told him so. To which he gave me some bs thing about just having come from his house blah blah…and when I was finally coming to terms with it, when I was finally on the verge of a complete freak out…my ex-boyfriend came walking down the street and asked our friend if he was ready to go.

And in that moment I wish he had died. In that moment I should have tried so much harder to leave and told everyone everything he’s ever done. I should have been stronger. But regardless of what I should have done, I know I didn’t deserve any of that.

And that’s why, it’s important to teach ANYONE…that just because they cry, and tell you how much they need you and threaten to kill themselves if you don’t take them back..It doesn’t mean shit. And you’re better off without someone who’s that vile. Tell someone, anyone and save yourself.

[lassieposting]

Tell us about Lucifer’s depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and past abuse. I mean I can see the self harm, both the obvious In cutting off his wings and the like as well as the unhealthy self medicating, and the abuse - which honestly comes across as a murky gray area, like some verges on abuse but isn’t quite- but the other things... I need them pointed out to me.

GLADLY, ANON

okay so, to cover my ass: this is just my personal take as someone with trauma & suicidal ideation who self-harms. other people with different trauma and different relationships with self-harm/suicidal ideation might see this whole thing completely differently. This post could be triggering, please pay attention to the triggers in the tags. I am not a professional psychiatrist, and if you are struggling please seek professional help. 

i’m gonna break this down into sections bc, surprise surprise, it got rly long

THE ABUSE:

Now, you’re absolutely right that this is kind of a murky grey area, because at this point we really only have one side of the story: Lucifer’s. And obviously, he’s biased. 

the family dynamics:

But let’s take a look at the family dynamics we see in-show. We’ve only seen a fraction of Lucifer’s family, but it’s still fairly obvious that the ways they interact with one another are unhealthy and tend towards abusive, especially when aimed at Lucifer. 

We have Amenadiel, who: 

Is obedient to his Dad on an almost brainwashed level until he falls. 

Blames everything - including his own actions/failures (i.e. saying Malcolm killing humans is Lucifer’s fault, even though Amenadiel himself raised Malcolm from Hell) on Lucifer.

Does not know how to respond to affection or praise, even though he clearly appreciates and enjoys them (i.e. when Trixie hugs him and says she thinks he’s good). This is the son who’s in God’s good books. And he still clearly doesn’t receive affection or praise often. 

Openly competes with Lucifer for Dad’s attention/love, to the point of rubbing it in his face when he discovers he’s the favourite

Is complicit in Lucifer’s abuse - taking him back to Hell (thereby isolating him), threatening him when he doesn’t want to go, and cutting off any attempt Lucifer makes at reaching out to connect with humanity - for billions of years to try and win his Dad’s approval. 

Straight up tries to have Lucifer killed.

Says he’d love to go to war (with Lucifer, and presumably with Hell as a whole). 

We have Uriel, who:

Takes it upon himself to enforce what he believes is his Dad’s will; he had no instructions from God when he came to Earth. 

Delights in getting the opportunity to beat up Amenadiel, and gloats about it. 

Threatens - and harms - the first good thing Lucifer has had in his life in eons as a way of bullying him into doing what Uriel wants.

When Lucifer complies, Uriel decides to kill both Goddess and Chloe, purely out of spite because Lucifer was “being difficult”.

(There is an interesting meta here on Uriel’s potential motivations that I really like, but this is looking purely at his actions.)

And we have Goddess, their mother, easily the most manipulative and emotionally abusive of the lot. She:

Admits to destroying things God cared about - attacking humanity with plagues and floods etc - out of malice and to get his attention. 

Happily releases Azrael’s blade into human hands, hoping for widespread human deaths, to get her ex to get back in touch. 

Plays Lucifer and Amenadiel off against one another like a pro for her approval. 

Only ever touches her children when she’s trying to manipulate them - there’s a good meta on that here. The one exception to this that I personally believe to be a genuine attempt to comfort (both him and herself) is when she hugs Lucifer after he’s just killed Uriel. 

Doesn’t actually care about what Lucifer wants - he’s told her outright that Earth is the only place where he feels wanted and respected, and she knows he has a life he enjoys and a woman he’s falling in love with, but she expects him to abandon Earth and go back to the Silver City with her regardless - to the point that she actively tries to dismantle his human life and kill his loved ones to leave him with no ties to Earth. 

The picture this paints to me is of two incredibly narcissistic parents who see their children as extensions of themselves rather than as people in their own right. If you compare Lucifer - who’s an asshole, but fundamentally a good man - to his siblings here, you can see that the two who stayed in Heaven have caught fleas from their parents - and part of Amenadiel’s redemption arc is him realising how toxic and damaging his family is, giving himself a damn good flea bath, and doing his best to be a better big brother to Lucifer and a better son to his mom (and, later, a better father to Charlie than his Dad was to him). 

angel life cycle

So apparently in canon, angels were created as adults. My personal headcanon is fuck that, baby angels, but we’ll go with the canon explanation for this, because honestly it still lines up with my theory. 

Even if you’re “born” with a mature adult body and adult-level speech ability etc, you still won’t have an adult’s wealth of life experience, or maturity, or social skills. You’re still going to have to grow and learn and experience situations to learn how to cope with them. 

Now, Tom Ellis has said in the past that he plays Lucifer as essentially having the emotional maturity level of a teenager, which I think is honestly perfect. For an immortal being - or at least a being with a lifespan of many, many billions of years - it’s actually fairly believable that the angels are (depending on the age gap between them) either still in the “adolescent” life stage or emerging into the “young adult” one. 

Lucifer says that he’s spent “most of his life” in Hell. If he’s only a young adult now, at ~11 billion years old, that means he’d have been a juvenile (in terms of life experience/emotional development, even if he was “born” with a fully mature adult body) when he was sent to Hell, and the reason he was sent to Hell is because he wanted free will and started “acting out”. 

Even if your 12-year-old is the most unpleasant, rebellious little shithead on the planet, you don’t kick him out of the house and spent the next decade sabotaging every attempt he makes to connect with people or improve his life. Because, you know. That’s your kid. You signed up to have him, that’s normal shitty teenager behaviour, and the chances are he’ll improve with age. God and Goddess went scorched earth on Lucifer because he was behaving in a completely normal way for a kid beginning to mature into a grownup. 

lasting trauma

Lucifer’s parents’ treatment has left some crazy deep scars. 

He uses a neglectful broken home as an analogy for his celestial family. And he does so incredibly smoothly; this is clearly an analogy he’s thought about before. Chances are he’s seen this dynamic on TV and identified very strongly with it. 

He talks about his mother abandoning him as his “lowest point”.  Not his Fall. Not any of the horrific things he’s seen in Hell. The point where he realised his mom doesn’t love him enough to protect him. 

He doesn’t understand what he did wrong. God punished Lucifer harshly for wanting to control his own life, because narcs often see their children’s developing independence as a threat to their own control over their kids’ lives. Obviously He wouldn’t see it like that, but he’s clearly never explained to Lucifer why what he did was “wrong”. This family has a chronic communication problem. 

He’s paranoid as fuck. He constantly suspects God of having a hand in the events happening around him, and any time it seems He is involved, Lucifer immediately sees whatever’s happening as an attempted manipulation. It never occurs to him that creating Chloe - someone immune to his powers who can really love him without any kind of supernatural influence - could be an olive branch or an attempt to give him what he actually needs. He doesn’t believe his Dad would ever do something positive to/for him. 

He’s so badly traumatized by his childhood that he reacts like this to being called by the name his Dad gave him. And he’s clearly doing well in therapy - he might not know the word for it, but he knows he’s being (unintentionally) gaslit here. He doesn’t handle it well, but he doesn’t put up with it either, refuses to accept being told to see his Dad’s abuse as a sign of love. 

He believes he’s unloveable. When Linda gently suggests that maybe Chloe kissed him purely because she likes him, he tells her that’s impossible and reminds her his powers don’t work on Chloe. He doesn’t think there’s any way someone could love him for who he is, unless he’s either giving them something or using his mojo on them. And it’s his family that’s conditioned him to think that way - look at Amenadiel alone, how many times he tells Lucifer he’s evil throughout the show, as casually as if he were telling him that his hair is brown. This is just a fact of the universe in that family: water is wet, leaves are green, Lucifer is irredeemable garbage. 

He doesn’t for a second hesitate to believe that his Dad wanted to kill him. Or that he would kill him given the opportunity. He even thinks Chloe is his dad’s attempt to get him killed for a bit. 

THE SELF HARM

the wings: 

The blatantly obvious one - and the most deliberate - is when he cuts off his wings. Now when Lucifer talks about this, he frames it as him taking back agency over his own life, freeing himself from his Father’s control, and making a statement about his intention to stay on Earth. 

But when you look at him, he doesn’t look victorious, or like he’s looking forward to starting a new life. Physical pain aside - and an amateur amputation would be agonizing - he looks almost like he’s grieving, gritting his teeth through something he feels he has no choice but to do. 

Someone did a fantastic meta that I thought I’d reblogged at some point that says something like “this isn’t the devil in his moment of triumph against god; this is an abused boy mutilating himself to spite his father”. I wanted to link it, but I haven’t been able to find it again (if anyone finds it, please let me know so I can add a link).  

the self-medicating:

I don’t think he realises this is a form of self-harm, and I don’t think he does it to hurt himself deliberately. But he comes to Earth to overindulge in all the things he can’t have in Hell, all the things he’s been cut off from. 

Touch and affection, which he gets through sex. Oblivion, which he gets by drinking. Euphoria, which he gets from drugs. Socialisation, which he gets from being surrounded by people at all times and partying it up 24/7.

It doesn’t matter to him that the touch is from a stranger, it doesn’t matter that the affection only lasts one night, it’s something and that’s more than he’s getting in Hell. He buries himself in those things to forget that he has to go back. He can bury himself in the next line or the next shot or the next attractive body and, just for a little bit, he can forget who he is.

Sending Lucifer to Hell in and of itself is cruel. Angels are clearly social creatures, and he’s been in solitary isolation for billions of years - it’s a miracle he hasn’t gone insane. Yes, he has the demons, but they don’t interact with him by choice and he’s not safe with them. Hell denies Lucifer everything a young person needs to grow into a stable, healthy adult. 

the self-sabotage:

We also see that he’s got a tendency to sabotage himself when he’s on a downward spiral. This usually comes out one of two ways - either:  

He tries to chase away the people who care about him. This comes from being so terrified of being abandoned and rejected again that he’d rather run them off himself than wait for them to inevitably (in his mind) decide that he’s Not Worth It and leave him. For example: 

He tries to push Linda away when he’s grieving after killing Uriel. 

He punches Dan in the face and gets himself thrown off the case by Chloe - she’s already warned him she would bench him if he didn’t pull himself together. 

He throws Chloe’s initial rejection in her face when he’s on his self-hatred bender in S4. 

He’s absolutely vicious to Amenadiel in this scene, when Amenadiel is trying to communicate that he loves Luci and wants to support him. 

Or he talks shit about himself. You can always tell when he’s having a bad time; he’ll start coming out with shit like, “I’m the devil, remember, I’m evil.” His real view of himself will slip out from under the mask of confidence and vanity. Chloe cuts right to the heart of this in S4; he’s been told so many times that he’s responsible for all evil that he now believes it. He blames himself, even as he vehemently denies having ever made anyone do anything. 

THE SUICIDAL IDEATION:

Jesus fuck, it’s a good thing Lucifer is in therapy. 

The first time we see him actively attempt suicide is in 1x13 when he’s being framed for shooting the street preacher. It’s a case of “the straw that broke the camel’s back” here - he’s been having a really rough time lately:

Groups of zealots are cornering him in the street accusing him of murders he didn’t commit 

Being accused of things he didn’t do is already a trigger for him

His own brother tried to have him assassinated.

His bodyguard and oldest friend betrayed him.

He’s just found out the detective makes him vulnerable. 

He knows Dan - and therefore probably other work colleagues as well - think he’s got something to do with the satanic murders. 

And now Chloe is turning her gun - and apparently her back - on him. She’s no different from anyone else. He was stupid to ever trust her, etc, etc, and now he’s spiralling.

She was the last rock keeping his head above the ocean at this point, and when she goes to arrest him, he goes under. We see that mania come out very quickly; he starts laughing hysterically and tries to goad an inexperienced uni into shooting him. He pretends to have a gun, knowing the cop will fear for his life and instinctively shoot. Since Chloe’s right there at the time, and he now knows he can be hurt around her, that’s attempted suicide. He wants to die. He even admits to Amenadiel he was trying to achieve “a good death…or at least a nice and messy one.”

No one ever addresses this bloody hell why

And then there’s the case with the shooter in the hospital. Lucifer’s grieving Uriel at this point, and he’s up to his eyeballs in self-loathing. He killed his brother. He really is the monster everyone believes he is. He’s spent the entire episode up to this point trying to make people punish him. He’s riled up Chloe at a crime scene and she’s told him off. He’s punched Dan, and Dan didn’t retaliate. He turned down Linda’s offer of continued therapy in a way that’s almost a challenge; he wants her to snap back at him. And when none of these little punishments are enough for him, he escalates and escalates and eventually he steps in front of the sniper’s intended victim and, again, goads him to shoot. He goes a bit further this time, though; he outright begs the sniper to shoot him, and reams the guy out when he says he didn’t think Lucifer deserved it. 

Again, he knows Chloe is there. This is a suicide attempt. He even admits to Chloe that he didn’t care about the intended victim, he was just trying to get himself killed. She doesn’t believe him. And it’s never addressed again, and I’m salty. 

Anyway I hope this clarifies some stuff for you anon? and I’m sorry it took so long to finish I rewrote this so many times for Maximum Sensitivity and kept including stuff and taking stuff out and it got SO LONG and i had to condense it and i have A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS OKAY I HAD A LOT TO SAY