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#unicorn vomit
kidneythiief · 1 year
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old art yipee
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arsont-t · 2 months
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blinkpen · 1 year
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help im getting lost in the weeds thinking too hard about the design of an incidental one-off character i wasn't supposed to think about
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they all say eating the rainbow but theres an extra hidden benefit (you see the rainbow when you purge)
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MICHAEL AND VALENTINA MET AND POSTED AN INSTAGRAM STORY WITH "SOLOS"-- MY LIFE? MADE. MY EYES? CRYING. MY LUNGS? SCREAMING.
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malibu-barb · 1 year
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cariciapadre · 1 year
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Caricias is the MESSIEST drunk , He will scream and sing and cry and vomit and get lost for 3 days
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cherryroseum · 2 years
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Concept doodles for a princess magical girl
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Here's the first actual story thing I've written for Chronicle! (Pardon my Reddit username)
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slightlymoldycadaver · 3 months
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"You're having period cramps? Same light exercise can help with that! Try going for a walk! :)"
Shannon, it feels like a pro baseball player is using my guts as a stress ball. And HOLY FUCK, are they stressed.
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jellyfish--kisses · 1 year
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Truly My Little Pony G5 is the death of culture. Like, no offense to anyone who likes it but WHY THE FUCK DO THEY HAVE PHONES. My Little Pony has ALWAYS been about gay ladies making cupcakes, growing flowers, and playing with rainbows, not succumbing to social media brain rot.
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the-gnomish-bastard · 3 months
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Note: do not mix frog kidneys, toad livers, rat lungs, powdered unicorn hooves, a naga spleen, and 7 gallons of liquid nitrogen. It doesn’t make a potion. It doesn’t even make a poison. It’s just vomit juice. All it ever does is make things vomit. I’m a lich, I didn’t know I could still do that. What the fuck.
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youronlydarlin · 5 months
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Johnny "Soap" MacTavish is so in love with you it's SICK. Downright unicorn's vomiting rainbows type of corny. He keeps a picture of you in his wallet, and calls it his good luck charm. Kisses it, then tucks it away into the safety of his vests breast pocket before missions, pat's it twice for good measure and ghost can't help but roll his eyes.
Speaking of missions, before going into one, he holds your picture over everyone's head as best as he can at least and says that they should be thankful that an angel's come and wished them 'luck. But really he's just bragging about how beautiful you are to the other 'lads.
Ne ways, he's just a goofy lil lover boy when it come to you, n m'not even sugarcoating it. He just loves you that much.
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dateko · 10 months
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˚。⋆  GLITTER AND GIGGLES | GETO SUGURU
contents: domestic fluff brain rot, papa!geto with the twins, tatted!geto, reader and suguru are married, & suguru being the best dad even though it is written quite poorly
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“I’m home!” You announce as you enter the house, feet screaming as you kick off your heels.
Surprisingly, no one greets you back. The absence of the familiar rumble of footsteps that usually storm toward you causes you to frown. There isn’t a pair of mischievous twins that wait for you at the top of the stairs, nor is there a handsome husband dressed in an apron telling you that he’s missed you all day. You deflate at this, but your ears pick up the lovable sound of hushed giggles coming from the living room.
You creep up the steps gingerly, careful not to disrupt whatever fun the girls seem to be having.  And that’s when you see it. There, splayed all over your ridiculously expensive rug that is now littered with markers and glitter glue, is your husband. Your two girls occupy his sides, hovering over his bare back with busy hands.
“Girls?” You break their playful trance, and they turn to each other before you with wide eyes. “What are you two doing?”
Mimiko attempts to gather the markers into her arms as a stuttering Nanako waves her hands in your face, doing a very poor job at obscuring your view when her hands are so incredibly teeny. “Mommy! It’s nothing! We were just cleaning up.”
Your brow raises at this since you know well you didn’t raise a liar. Catching a glimpse of Suguru’s sleeping figure with his bare torso flat on the floor almost makes you think the two tired out their own father to death. But as you step closer, the sight almost makes you laugh out loud.
The tattoo of the rainbow dragon that trails down Suguru’s spine finally bears truth to its name. You’re not exactly sure where to look first. You follow the lines of pink and purple scribbled messily outside the inked lines, the loose glitter that sticks itself between the crevices of your husband’s back muscles, and the series of Sanrio stickers that wander down the side of his neck. It’s ridiculous, almost like a unicorn had vomited all over him, yet precious all at once. 
Mimiko tugs at your sleeve. “Are you mad?”
Shaking your head with a smile, you pinch the little brunette’s cheek. “Hand me a marker.” 
The girls giggle behind you as you kneel beside Suguru’s sleeping face. He’s gorgeous, always been, and always will be. Thought it was a shame you were about to ruin it. The marker in your hold draws an elaborate beard on his face, making sure to dance with a few swirls and twirls. You beam at how your canvas scrunches his nose, eyebrows furrowing at the feeling of your marker gliding across his skin.
Suguru scratches his face before opening his eyes, blinking repeatedly at the moment he realizes you’re home. “Morning, beautiful.” You grin, tucking a piece of his dark locks behind his ear.
“Sweetheart,” He sits up immediately, unaware of the glitter that falls from his skin behind him. “I missed you.”
You decide against scolding your husband for falling asleep instead of watching your children when he leans in to seal a kiss on your lips, and you turn away, stifling a giggle. “Come on, no kiss?” Suguru pouts. “What’s so funny?”
“Papa, you look so weird.” Mimiko pips from behind you, trying to hide her laughter.
“You have something on your face, Papa!” Nanako adds, squealing when Suguru grabs her to tickle her stomach. The house is filled with an abundance of happy laughter once more, and you can feel your heart swell with contentment. Your husband extends his arm to you and Mimiko, a soft glint in his golden eyes. The expression on his face is delicate, yet he is still completely unaware of the ridiculous lines that paint his features. “Come over here, you two.” 
Suguru beams as his three favorite girls pile on top of him, bubbles of joy bouncing off the walls every which way. You can’t help but finally kiss him. You could never resist Suguru, especially when he’s always been such a good husband and an exceptional father for the three of you. The wet smack you place on his lips causes the girls to grimace, trying to wiggle their way out of strong arms.
The twins scramble out of the living room and scurry off immediately. You stay in Suguru’s lap, hand tracing his collarbone and down his shoulders as he hugs you tighter. “Don’t think I’m letting you go without a punishment.” He teases, pressing his lips to your temple.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about?" 
“Oh yeah?” His eyebrow raises, unconvinced. “Well, I wouldn't be so sure. You look like Yaga right now.” 
Your hands scramble to your chin as you gasp, noticing the black residue on your fingertips. Your husband watches you as you attempt to scrub off the black beard on your face with your sleeve. Rolling your eyes at his smirk, you give up. Grabbing both sides of his face, you kiss him once more. “Oh, shut up and kiss me.”
“Anything for you, Sweetheart.”
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spacebarbarianweird · 8 months
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How dare you?!
Synopsis: years after Tav's death, Astarion manages to become mortal again. But sometimes good things happen too late. It was definetely inspired by this quote from "The Last Unicorn"
"I am here now," she said at last. Molly laughed with her lips flat. "And what good is it to me that you're here now? Where where you twenty years ago, ten years ago? How dare you, how dare you come to me now, when I am this?" With a flap of her hand she summed herself up: barren face, desert eyes, and yellowing heart. "I wish you had never come. Why did you come now?" The tears began to slide down the sides of her nose.
Tags: angst Since Tav is already dead, I decided to make them gender neutral (hope I didn't mess up the grammar). Astarion mentions them (of course) all the time. Read on AO3
Masterlist
Headcanons
Drinking other people's blood feels like an utter betrayal.
 The outlaw lunges at Astarion, a glinting knife in hand. The vampire responds with a sinister grin, savoring how terror swiftly supplants the bandit's initial rage.
"Vampire! Kill him, you idiots!"
But the bandit's final words dissolve into a chilling shriek as Astarion plunges his fangs into the man's throat, drawing a deep draught of human blood. It's a flavor reminiscent of cheap alcohol, perhaps a testament to the bandit's fondness for rum. The pungent odor and the taste of his sweat turn Astarion's stomach.
However, as the blood courses through the vampire's veins, its transformative power takes hold. The hunger begins to recede, replaced by a surge of strength. His senses sharpen, and Astarion can practically savor the impending wave of fear from the group of thugs at the cave entrance.
"Please," the man stammers weakly, his voice trembling and feeble with each passing moment, "Don't kill me —"
 Astarion releases the wounded thug, and the man collapses to the cave floor. The vampire lowers himself in front of the man, idly toying with a dagger, his tongue touching the tips of the fangs.
"Tell your henchmen to flee," he purred. "Run, and don't ever dare to glance back."
Astarion straightens his posture and gazes toward the two thugs.
Dumb idiots, he thinks. They could quickly kill him. But they are so afraid of the undead creature they won't dare.
Astarion wipes his mouth as the wounded outlaw staggers away in retreat. Deep down, Astarion wants to vomit. He thinks he should return to sating the thirst with animal blood—bears, wolves, boars—anything but sentient beings. 
 He can't drink blood, which doesn't belong to Tav. Tav allowed him to feed on them for years. Whose blood tasted like heaven, whose touches were so sweet and caring. Years after they are gone, Astarion can still feel their gentle caress.
And the coldness of their body when life left it.
He cried, he begged, he cursed. It couldn't have been so soon, not like that. They were supposed to live at least a few decades more together. Astarion remembers the nights on the grave when he contemplated if he should stay there till sunrise and turn into ashes.
He didn't stay because he promised to keep living. 
Living, he chuckles. It's not life. He is undead. He died many years ago at the age of thirty-nine. His heart doesn't beat. His skin is cold and pale. His eyes are red, and all the food tastes like paper and vinegar. 
Tav believed there was a cure for vampirism. They thought Astarion's dead heart could beat again. Astarion didn't care. He was happy with his lover by his side. Living with them, sleeping, cuddling, having sex, drinking their blood. Talking, holding hands, reading books, helping people, fighting monsters. Astarion never cared what to do – if it involved Tav, he didn't need to be asked twice. He didn't need to be asked, but they never crossed boundaries, always making sure he was all right with their plans.
 Can I kiss you? Can I hug you? Can I touch your pointy ears? Do you want to go and help these people? Can I help you with your wounds? What do you mean, "no"? Listen, I am not looking at you bleeding and suffering – sit!
 Their voice is so real as they were still there, with him. He hates concentrating on these memories because he hears the sound of a broken spine when he does. And sees the loving eyes gliding over his face.
 Astarion will never forget the moment when Tav's heart stopped beating. 
Astarion's crimson eyes dart around, attempting to focus on the present moment, a challenge for a creature like him. He's aware that making friends or seeking a new lover is a distant dream, a notion that feels like blasphemy. There's no home, no sanctuary, only a nomadic existence along the nocturnal roads, finding refuge in caves and abandoned houses to evade the relentless sunlight.
As he ventures deeper into the cave, he stumbles upon the object of his quest—a chained older man in a wizard's robe.
"And who in hells are you?" the man inquires.
"I've been hired to save you from the thugs, and I expect a generous reward for my troubles," Astarion grins as he unlocks the handcuffs.
The wizard, now unshackled, examines Astarion curiously. "Are you a vampire? Gods, it's very unusual for your kind to play a hero."
"I am," Astarion responds. "And I don't."
The wizard muses, "I recognize good people when I see them. Good elf vampires, I suppose, in your case. Quite peculiar. How long have you been like this?"
Astarion shrugs. "A few centuries. Hurry up, old man. It's sunrise soon."
The wizard chuckles. "Old man? I'm only sixty, my friend. Let's make haste; my home isn't far from here."
"May I ask you some questions?" he inquires. "I've never had the opportunity to converse with someone of your kind."
"I'll answer if I find the questions agreeable," Astarion replies
Their conversation flows easily, delving into topics like feeding the transformation into vampirism. Engaging with a sentient being who listens is refreshing, and Astarion relishes the opportunity to share his experiences.
"You remind me of my friend, Gale of Waterdeep," Astarion finally says, looking at the horizon getting pink.
 "You did know Gale of Waterdeep?"
 Astarion nods. "I wonder where he is right now."
"He died twenty years ago, Astarion. Lived a very long life for a human," the wizard replies, his words sending a shiver down Astarion's spine. Another person he knows is gone. It's been so many years that he's lost count.
The two continue the journey in silence, eventually arriving at the wizard's house. The wizard ushers him inside.
"What are you waiting for? It's almost sunrise," he remarks.
Astarion hesitates for a moment. "I can't enter unless you invite me."
The wizard chuckles. "Oh, of course, I forgot. Come in. You are very welcome to stay until dark. Wait for me here. I will return soon."
Astarion steps over the threshold and watches as the first rays of sunlight wash over the fields and the surrounding forest, feeling a strange mix of longing and melancholy as he observes the world he can never fully embrace.
When Tav was alive, he often urged them to venture outside on such mornings. They would stand there, basking in the warm embrace of sunlight. Astarion couldn't tear his gaze away from Tav. After a few minutes, his lover would return inside, and Astarion would gently press his palms to their radiant skin, yearning to feel the sun's warmth that had touched them.
The ache is still there. Astarion misses Tav profoundly, a pain that persists no matter how many years have passed or how many more will come. They were the first and only person he truly loved. They were the first and only person who loved him.
He remembers how Tav would cup his face with their hands. "What are you looking at?" he sometimes would ask, and Tav would laugh in response. "I wonder what eye color you had. Blue? No, I don't think so. Hazel? Doubt. I know! They were green. They were green like a pair of emeralds." Then, Tav would kiss his forehead. "But I guess we will never know."
 "Astarion, I want to reward you for saving me," the wizard declares as he returns to the dining room, holding a black magic scroll. "You sound like a good person, a really good person..."
"Just pay me, and we're even. I enjoyed talking to you."
The wizard, however, opened a black scroll and began reciting an incantation. Before Astarion can react, a dark wave crashes over him, hurling him to the floor and pinning him to the wooden boards.
"I'm sorry," the wizard says, his voice muffled as if behind a thick wall. "I fear this might be painful."
"What in hell have you done to me?!" Astarion attempts to shout, but an invisible grip tightens around his throat, choking the words.
His body withers and wraps. Astarion wants to scream, but his mouth stays shut. His body doesn't belong to him in this painful moment. It hurts. It hurts the same way centuries ago when he was lying in his coffin six feet deep under the ground. 
The stomach turns inside out, and Astarion vomits the thug's blood he drank earlier. The lungs are rupturing, causing pain in the rib cage. 
Then the skin starts burning. He scratches it with his nails as if trying to flay himself. He feels how his bones break and fuse. Or is it just his imagination? By this time, he can't say.
 He was through so much torment and pain during the centuries of enslavement. He thought it couldn't be worse.
It absolutely could.
Astarion presses his hands to the chest. The dead heart weighs like a tombstone. He wants to rip it out. 
Thump
The first heartbeat crashes through Astarion like a hammer blow in the Adamantine Forge, resounding loudly and painfully. 
Astarion finds himself on his knees, utterly shocked. The wizard sits at the table, regarding him with a condescending gaze.
It's then that Astarion notices someone else in the room. He springs to his feet, prepared to confront this stranger, but the wizard laughs.
"It's just your reflection, my friend," the wizard says. "I think you've long forgotten how you look, hmm?"
Astarion stands upright and shifts his gaze to the mirror. There, he sees a young, silver-haired elf staring back at him.
"Shocked, aren't you?" the wizard chuckles.
Astarion approaches the mirror, studying the stranger. Silver curls, the attire of an adventurer, and scars from a vampire's bite on the left side of his neck. But it's the eyes that captivate him—the eyes are emerald green.
Just like Tav said.
He shifts his attention to his hands, noting that the skin is no longer pale. The feeling of a beating heart and an empty stomach churn within him. The fangs are gone, replaced by regular teeth.
"Congratulations, my friend," the wizard declares. "You are no longer a vampire. I wasn't entirely certain if the scroll would work, but here we are. You are mortal again. It's a small price for saving me."
Astarion's legs give way, and he collapses to the wooden floor again, tears streaming down his face, a maelstrom of emotions threatening to consume him.
"Where were you?!" he yells at the top of his lungs. "Where were you twenty years ago? Where were you thirty years ago? Where were you when I had hope?!" Astarion jumps on his feet and clutches the wizard's robe, making the old man stand as well. "How dare you, how dare you resurrect me now?!"
 "I- I reversed your curse," the wizard stumbles, scared of the young elf.
 "You reversed," Astarion laughs bitterly. "Of course you did! I wish I never agreed on rescuing you."
 "But you are alive! You are a living creature, not an undead monster-"
"And what am I supposed to do?" Astarion's laughter takes on a manic tone. "Mortality—you can't even imagine how I dreamt of it. How Tav dreamt of it. But... they are gone," he sniffs. "I buried them with these hands. Where were you... Where were you when Tav was alive?"
The wizard, still taken aback, steps back, fearing another outburst.
"Then—then live. Enjoy your new life," the wizard stammers.
"I don't know how! I don't know how to live! You, cursed old man, what have you done?"
"Get out," the wizard mutters. "Get out, ungrateful bastard."
Astarion makes a short, bitter laugh. He feels lightheaded and dizzy. His chest is too cramped for the newly awakened heart, his skin burns, and the blood races through his veins too fast.
Stumbling like a drunkard, Astarion exits the house. The sunlight feels like the soft touch of cat fur on his fingertips. 
Squinting, he gazes up at the sun, tears streaming down his face, and he doesn't bother to wipe them away.
Astarion's heart was beating fast, and he had no idea what to do.
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ughgoaway · 6 months
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secret santa // day 1
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content warnings; swearing, mention of boners, drinking?, pining and stressed matty lol
a/n; day 1 wooooo!!! For some reason, this is my longest fic i have for the 12 days, so we are starting with a bang, i guess?? I'm not totally sure how I feel about this fic... but tbh I never like anything I post, so that's not really new lol
word count; 4.2k
(this fic takes place pre-relationship)
12 days masterlist
✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿✿❀✿
“Daddy!” is the first thing Matty hears when his daughter comes bounding into the house after school that day. Adam follows behind her with an exasperated look on his face, and her bright pink unicorn backpack slung over his shoulder.
“Hi mate, Annie has some very exciting news that she just can not stop talking about,” he says, stressing the fact that she just will not stop talking. Matty gives his friend an understanding nod as he takes his daughter's bag.
“Ah wow, how exciting! I can't wait to hear all about it,” Annie opens her mouth to talk, but Maty quickly cuts in before she can start, “After Uncle Adam leaves, okay? Say, thank you for picking me up to Uncle Adam!” 
Annie comes bounding up to Adam and hugs his legs. He can't help the smile that breaks out on his face. “Thank you, Uncle Adam!!” Annie says, looking up at him with that cheeky face he loves so much. Adam pats her head and waves to Matty before swiftly leaving to hang out with his much more peaceful son.
Matty manages to corral his daughter to sit at the kitchen table to share her very thrilling news, Annie is practically vibrating in her seat with excitement. Despite her palpable eagerness, Annie waited until Matty had sat down and given her a nod to start talking, something they had been working on.
As soon as she got the nod, words started vomiting out of Annie's mouth at a speed most people wouldn't be able to decipher. But if anyone was an expert on little Annie Healy, it was her dad.
“I get to do the Secret Santa!!” Annie eventually says, grinning so wide that Matty isn't sure her cheeks won't split. He pauses for a second, trying to process his daughter's words. How does she even know what secret Santa is?
“Oh wow, darling!” he says, fieigning happiness for his daughter, but his face tells another story, “That's great, sweetheart, but what does that mean exactly? Secret Santa with your friends? I thought we already got them presents?” Matty distinctly remembers about 2 hours in the Tesco toy aisle choosing out the perfect toy for each of her friends.
“Not for my friends silly,” Annie says sighing, as if her father's obliviousness was just so ridiculous, “for Miss y/n!!!” she smacks her hands on the table with a flourish, acting like this was an obvious piece of information.
Well, it certainly piqued Matty's interest. As did anything that involved your name, really. He remembers last month when someone got hired at Dirty Hit with the same name as you. Matty nearly got whiplash with how fast he turned when he first heard someone say “Y/n is here to see you!” The disappointment on his face must have scared the poor intern half to death. He quickly fixed his expression and was polite, but he felt his pulse racing under his skin.
“Ooh wow, munchkin, that's awesome! Did they give you a note or anything for me to have a look at?” Matty asks. He's sure they wouldn't trust a 6-year-old to relay this information.
Annie perked up at his words, “Oh yeah!” She says, jumping off her chair and scurrying over to her backpack. She unzips her bag and starts furiously pulling out different objects. Matty isn't sure how it all fits in. It's like Mary Poppins bag. She pulls out 5 books, 2 jumpers, 6 pieces of mystery paper, 2 toys (that she is not allowed to bring to school) and one of mayhems toys before she shrieks out an “Aha!” and in her hand is a crumpled pink slip of paper.
she brings it over to Matty excitedly and shoves it into his hand before straightening her back and puffing her chest out, clearly proud to have been chosen. Matty laughs at his daughter's infallible confidence before trying to straighten out the paper enough to read what's written.
“Okay let's see…” Matty says to himself, “Congratulations! If you have received this note, you have been chosen for our teacher's Secret Santa program! We at bridgeside school believe that our amazing teachers also deserve gifts this holiday season, so we choose one student from each teacher's class to be their Secret Santa. Don't worry, parents, there's a £10 limit so no need to go too wild! Students are picked based on enthusiasm and progress in school, so you should be proud to be picked! Please ensure all gifts are given to reception by Monday next week to allow time to distribute them. Thank you!” Matty finishes reading the note under his breath, and he can't help but grin to himself at the fact Annie was specially chosen.
He puts the paper down on the table and turns around to Annie, who is standing beside him with a nervous look on her face. Matty pauses for a few seconds before jumping and grabbing her, Annie shrieks at the sudden attack. He pulls her onto his lap and begins tickling all over her, revelling in her roaring laughter and infectious smile.
“Specially chosen, huh!” Matty says loudly to his daughter, still squeezing her tight in his arms and tickling where he can reach. Annie nods as best she can whilst being attacked with tickles, and Matty laughs at her gappy grin.
He soon lets up and leaves Annie sitting in his lap, looking happy as can be, “I know, Daddy!! The headmistress came to me today and said it because I've been trying so hard at my spelling!” she says, the look of pride on her face made mattys heart swell.
He remembers the late nights of practising her spelling. At the last parent’s evening, you had brought up Annie was falling behind a small bit in the weekly spelling tests. Not too much, but enough where some work at home would be beneficial. So Matty dedicated every Monday night as spelling night, and he and Annie sat and worked on it. He couldn't be happier that their hard work was recognised or that she's making such good progress.
It's then that the gravity of the situation at hand hits Matty. He has to buy a gift for you. For YOU. For the woman he… cares a great deal about. What does he buy? And for only £10! What good can he get with that? He didn't want to give you a shitty bottle of wine, this is his first opportunity to give you a gift and he wasn't about to fuck it up with a bad pinot.
Knowing he was about to spiral, Matty sent Annie off with a genuine smile and a quick hug. Annie being Annie, ran off oblivious to her dad's growing stress and began trolling around the house looking for mayhem. She had got some new hairclips in a magazine and was determined to give him a makeover.
Before he could go completely insane, Matty ran into the kitchen for his phone and just dialled the most recent number he called. Anyone would help right now, Matty was just sick of his own mind. 
“Hey Matty, you alright?” Ah, Adam, perfect. He was level-headed, a good dad, and knows how to deal with Matty’s hysteria. 
“Adam.” Matty starts in a disturbingly calm voice, “How could you just LEAVE when you knew what Annie was going to say?!?!” Matty scolded his best friend and was just met with the sound of laughter over the phone. 
“Why would I stay? It's no big deal, right? You have said on many occasions you feel totally neutral about Miss y/n, so I felt no need to stay” Adam teased, having had many conversations with Matty about his clear crush on you.
He first saw it at the school parent's day, he and Matty were casually chatting when you walked over and he saw his friend change in front of his eyes, suddenly becoming a lovesick 16-year-old. But Matty insisted he didn't have feelings for you, according to Matty he was “remarkably and totally neutral towards you”. 
Adam decided this news was a great way to test this theory. As soon as he heard Annie chattering on, he knew Matty would freak out, grab his phone, and call him. So when he got home, Adam simply made a cup of tea and sat down with his phone in his hand, waiting for a call. And 20 minutes later, his phone rang.
Silence is all Adam heard over the phone for a good few seconds, and he could almost see Matty weighing up his options with that scrunched-up face he does. He picked up his tea and loudly took a sip, reminding Matty of his presence.
On the other end of the line, Matty was doing exactly that. Does he embarrass himself and admit his feelings in exchange for help? Or does he fight to keep the last shred of dignity he had?
“Fine. I really really like her. Are you happy now?” Matty sighed, deciding that any dignity he might have had in the eyes of Adam died when he found him passed out in a bin with George at 19.
Adam grinned teasingly on the other side of the phone but decided to leave any real teasing for in person. It's just no fun when you can't see Matty's cheeks gradually turning more pink. “Okay. now that we've got that out of the way, what the fuck are you gonna get her?”
Matty scoffed at his friend's question, “Mate. Why the fuck do you think I'm calling? I have no idea!! I don't want to be boring and just get a candle and a bottle of wine.” Matty pauses thoughtfully for a moment before returning to his ramble, “although she does like candles. I remember her saying her apartment is covered in them, she even set off the smoke detector once. And she is always smelling like Jasmine so maybe that is her favourite scent? God she smells so good, you know I think her shampoo is apple and that mixed with-”
Adam cut Matty off before he started giving him your home address and national insurance number, “Dude how do you know what scent shampoo she uses? God, you're such a stalker. Don't go full Dahmer on this girl, yeah?” Adam jokes.
“It's not my fault she has nice hair! Anyway, shut up. You are not being helpful right now” Matty whines petulantly, and Adam realises he's actually freaking out about this. He decided it was time to go full dad mode and be supportive.
“Right, it's clear you know a lot about her, so why don't we focus on that? Do you know her favourite perfume or something? Maybe some jewellery she wants? I’m assuming you are not sticking to the £10 limit”
Matty simply scoffs, confirming Adam’s suspicion. Before he can continue throwing ideas at Matty, he hears him gasp, “I know what to get her!” Matty says excitedly.
Once again, silence falls over the two men, and Adam sighs, knowing what Matty wants, “and what is that, Matthew?” he says with sarcastic excitement filling his voice. 
Adam can hear the grin over the phone as Matty speaks, “I'm going to get her a copy of “The Little Prince” but a proper nice one, first edition in the original French and everything” he puffed out his chest in pride as he finished, despite no one being around to see him.
“A kid's book? Matty shes a teacher. I'm sure she's sick of kid’s books, why would you get her that? Does she even know French?” Adam can't help but think Matty saw a copy on her desk and just assumed she liked it. Maybe she was just teaching with it, and Matty took the idea and ran.
“No no, you don't get it,” Matty starts, “it was her favourite book as a kid. She was obsessed and read it cover to cover so many times the spine fell apart. She told me that this book is what made her want to teach. As soon as she read it, she went into her class the next day and did a whole presentation on it, read it to her whole class, and answered questions." Matty envisioned an 8-year-old you buzzing with excitement talking about the book, your teacher smiling and encouraging as you were blabbering on.
"She had a copy from her grandmother that she treasured, but it got lost in the jumble when she moved. It was in the original French, and she learnt French just to be able to read it. Nothing means more to her than this book.” As he finished, Matty noticed the massive grin on his face, something that was inevitable whenever he spoke about you.
He decided not to talk about the one time he actually heard you speak French, not wanting to share the experience of trying to hide a boner during a school-wide meeting and sneaking off to his car pretty quickly after it wrapped up.
Adam was taken aback by Matty's words. Who was this person, and what did he do to his best mate? He's pretty sure for his last situation-ships birthday, Matty got her a card with a bouquet of lilies. And she was allergic to lilies.
But here he was, considering things you loved in childhood, things that actually mean something to you. He had never seen Matty so infatuated with someone, remembering every little thing they ever said.
Matty was in love with you. 
“Fuck man you are whipped” is what Adam decided to say, not sure whether Matty had come to the whole “love” realisation by himself yet.
“Ha ha ha, Adam you're so funny.” Matty said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “So do you think it is okay? She’ll like it?” he anxiously chewed on his nails as he spoke, desperate not to fuck this up.
“It's perfect. She's gonna love it, if you can find one that is” came Adam's response, he decided to lay off the comedic responses for a little bit, just to stop Matty from having a mental breakdown. 
“Oh I'll find one. Otherwise, I'll have to get her a candle, and that's just shite” his confidence was clear through the phone. And a determined Matty is someone who gets something done, whether you like it or not.
As soon as he knew what to get, he practically hung up on Hann mid-sentence, but he stayed long enough to give him a rushed goodbye. Not quite long enough to say thank you, however, but Adam got a text a few seconds later simply saying, “Thank you, I needed that”
Adam, being a middle-aged man, simply sent back a thumbs-up emoji, ‘an image that speaks a thousand words’ he thought.
////
After a week of calling every rare bookshop in the area, Matty managed to get his hands on a first edition of “The Little Prince”, for substantially more than £10 but that secret was between him, god and his wallet. 
He explained to the school that Annie wanted to give her gift to you personally, so he asked if he could bring it directly to you on Friday. By some grace of god, the school agreed, and here Matty was standing outside your door gift bag in hand and pulling anxiously at his shirt.
“Matty!” You say in shock as you open the door, a beaming smile on your face. Matty took in your dress and almost had to grip the door frame to steady himself. It was the staff Christmas party that night, and it was clear you were all dressed up and ready. You stood in a sleek black dress, nothing glittery or fancy, but the way it looked on you had Matty's hands itching to touch you.
“I'm here too miss y/n” came a little voice from below. You were too busy staring into Matty’s eyes and watching them skirt over your body. 
“Oh, Annie! I'm so sorry, sweetheart, your daddy is so tall I almost missed you!” You laugh out and pat Annie's head in apology. Matty couldn't help but preen at the mention of his height.
“I'm so sorry to interrupt you. You look amazing, by the way. Well, not like - not amazing in a creepy way - I mean-” Matty stuttered, trying to get back to his point. You simply nod along with his words and bit the inside of your cheek to hide the smirk threatening to break across your face.
“Anyway,” Matty said after he pulled himself together with a shake of his head, “we're here to give you your Secret Santa present! Annie, do you want to pass it to miss y/n?” he patted his daughter on the back and passed her the gift.
With flushed cheeks and a pink nose from the cold, Annie grinned up to you and passed the bag over. Matty had added a few filler presents, a candle and a bottle of perfume Annie chose, and that he thought you'd like. Just the book felt… odd. A little too personal, maybe, he didn't want to scare you off with his slightly stalker-like tendencies.
“Wow! Thank you, Annie! I didn't think I was even in this year's Secret Santa!” You lie, you knew Annie was your gift giver the day she got chosen. That cheesy smile wouldn't leave her face all day.
Annie giggled clung to her dad's leg, suddenly feeling shy at the attention. Matty simply smiled at his daughter and began to fiddle with her curls.
“Okay well, we will leave you to go to your party now. I hope you have a good time! Say bye to miss y/n Annie,” Matty prompts his daughter, who gives you a wave and runs away. Matty spins on his heels and begins to follow before turning around to say one last thing. 
“I meant what I said earlier, by the way. You look beautiful” he said with a bashful smile, acting almost as shy as his daughter just had. 
Words escaped you at that moment. You wanted to run and give him a hug for the present and a kiss for the compliment, but you simply whispered, “Thank you, Matty.”
The door had barely clicked shut, and you had already all but ran to your desk to open your present, your heart in your mouth at the prospect of a gift from Matty. Well, technically from Annie, but you're pretty sure if Matty gave her £10 and let her loose in Tesco, the present would end up being something totally random like a bag of celery.
But maybe you were reading too much into this. Your silly schoolgirl crush has just been growing and growing over the passing months. Your heart aches for Matty. It has gotten to the point where you sit in bed late at night and perform autopsies on conversations you had months ago. Desperate to find something said in the unsaid, something new.
You won't see him for a week, and you'll convince yourself it's just a physical attraction thing, a casual crush. But then you see him swooping in at pick up with his rockstar sunglasses and beautiful curls, and you feel your heart stutter and pause. Every time you speak with him, butterflies hammer at your ribs, and your brain seems to just stop around him. Much to your embarrassment. 
Recently, you vowed to be more natural around him, totally normal. However, trying to play it cool and casual is a great plan in theory, but attempting to do that whilst looking into his eyes is an almost impossible task.
But tonight, you managed to at least play it off like Matty's comment didn't knock the wind out of you. His calling you beautiful was going to go around and around in your head for weeks. You wish you could have memorised the moment better. You should focus on his shy smile or the way he wrung his hands together anxiously. Maybe even the look of pure love in his eyes.
But you were too busy internally repeating to yourself “Don't fall over. Don't act like a twat. Make sure to smile and not freeze.” so all of those small things got lost in the jumble of thoughts.
As you pulled the tissue out of the paper, a waft of matty hit your nostrils. god, were you that desperate that even tissue paper smells like him now? You could swear it has that same musk and warmth that follows him around.
Little did you know Matty had to actively choose not to constantly think about you. He has to try not to think about the way you bite your lip when you're focusing on something. Or the way you fiddle with your hair when you're nervous, twisting it around your fingers absentmindedly. Or even the way your cheeks flush when someone compliments you, the way it spreads from your cheeks to over your nose and down to your neck. He has to really try not to think about your neck, to not obsess over the thought of pressing kisses up and down it as you giggle into him. But alas, he had actual adult responsibilities, much to his dismay, so he couldn't just sit and analyse you every waking moment.
You stick your hand in and grab something that feels like a candle, and it is… oh. It's a candle. Huh.
You're not disappointed. It smells good and has a beautiful jar, but you can't help but feel slightly odd at the lack of warmth. But whatever, you were expecting too much anyway. A candle and a bottle of wine are perfectly normal Secret Santa presents, and why should you expect anything other than that? Just because you were lusting after Matty doesn't mean he thought about you any longer than he had to.
You shake off any disappointment you had and resign yourself to the idea that this is a totally normal parent present. There won't be anything amazing or showstopping. The budget was £10 and you're sure not even world famous rock star Matty Healy could get anything good with that.
You pull out the perfume next, immediately smiling as you notice it's your favourite scent, jasmine. What a lucky guess. It's a nice bottle, too. It had you immediately thinking of a use for it afterwards, the same way any nice bottle or jar does. You must have a collection of 20 candle jars on your mantle at home filled with knickknacks, little things from the kids, or strange porcelain figures you didn't have the heart to leave in a charity shop.
The bag is still heavy in your hands, but you scrunch your face in confusion. Surely there's no budget left? Tentatively, you reach in and feel a book, which is even more confusing to you, but you pull it out anyway, interested to see what Matty thought you read.
Oh. fuck. 
There in your hands was your childhood in physical form, the curly script reading “le petit prince.” Your eyes skirt over the cover as they well up. Slowly, you spin the book around and audibly gasp as you look it over, admiring its worn spine and somehow pristine cover. 
Your vision is foggy, tears gathering at your lash line and you're intent on not letting them fall, but as soon as you open the book and a small certificate of authenticity falls out you can't help but wetly laugh in shock as tears stream down your cheeks.
The first edition of your favourite book of all time. The book that meant everything to you, everything to your grandmother. You never thought you'd see a first edition in real life, let alone own one.
With shaky hands, you carefully pull apart the pages and begin to read, muttering the french under your breath. Tears drip onto the desk and blow you. You sniffle and bring a shaky hand up to wipe them away, but it's futile. They continue to find their way down your cheeks.
With a pounding heart, you place down the book with the care of handling a newborn baby, and as you do so a small white slip of paper under the certificate catches your eye. You slide it out from under and try and read it despite your wet eyes.
“To y/n,
I know this is over the limit, but I also know what this book means to you. I still remember talking about it in depth on World Book Day. Us two huddled in a corner, trying to escape the other parents. Your vulnerability and honesty that day meant so much to me. Thank you for sharing. also, thank you for being the very best teacher to my little girl. I don't know where either of us would be without you. Anyway, I'll stop rambling now, Let's keep this gift between us, though, huh? I wouldn't want Mr. Johnson from the year 5 class to find out his nice cheese platter isn't the best gift of the year.
Happy holidays darling, 
Matty x”
Well, safe to say any hope of that crush faltering had just died and gone to hell. 
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