#unloving the knife

[petrichor-moss-and-lightning]

on maternal lines and inherited rage

Shivani Mittal via Instagram // Kiki Rockwell, “Burn Your Village” // @cursedsuggestion // @domestic-butch // @petrichor-moss-and-lightning, “autonomy in the age of greed” // Lidia Yuknavitch, “Letter to My Rage: An Evolution” // unknown

[ysabellious]

you are coming down with me / hand in unlovable hand.

[immediatebreakfast]

Victor's perspective of the wedding, and his marriage with Elizabeth took a really terrifying turn after everything that happened so far. Like, I was waiting for him to do something drastic at some point, but it seems that Victor knows well enough that he can't show his grief in public.

It's how the wheels on Victor's head were turning the more he read Elizabeth's letter. The way he reached to that horrible conclusion, and how the marriage went from "a duty that I must do for the happiness of my family" to "the tool that I will use to finally die".

"On that night he had determined to consummate his crimes by my death. Well, be it so; a deadly struggle would then assuredly take place, in which if he was victorious, I should be at peace, and his power over me be at an end."

I could literally vision the kind of smile that Victor could have painted on his face a he said this. A smile of pure despair on a young man who has reached the limit of his own mind. And with that mind Victor wrote that letter to Elizabeth, and followed through all of the preparations for the wedding.

Of course he admits later on that he was really blinded by his own misery, and he did not consider Adam's actual words. But to see Victor so joyous over his possible death while Elizabeth tries, and tries to cheer herself up for the only thing that was expected of her feels like a void where neither can climb out of.

[iamyounicorn]

The Objects by Lygia Fagundes Telles. I wish you guys could understand.

[alternianescapeartists]

tetrae: i cut off all contact with my friends and left them behind and moved somewhere they wouldnt expect so they wont be able to find me. they're all better off with not being associated with me and can only thrive because of it. i’m not looking to make friends or get into relationships anymore, itd just be a waste of their energy to spend it on me

me: haha thats what you think idiot. time to make new friends while mourning the completely avoidable loss of the old ones

[townhulls]

habpy birthday!!! i love youuuuuu🥰💞💝 i will beat the shit out of this year if it doesn’t treat you well btw

smfnenfndm thank you dearest i love you too 💕💖 this is us: 🔪🥰🤝🥰🔪

[katnissgirlsmakedo]

girl who read ahead by flipping to a random page and now feels like this 😳😵‍💫😵‍💫😐😐🫣

[asoftepiloguemylove]

i've polished this anger and now it's a knife

rubyetc.com / unknown / @/rbhvleo (tumblr) / Venetta Octavia The Burning / David Lynch The Angriest Dog in the World / Japanese Breakfast Boyish / unknown / @/jovialtorchlight (tumblr)

i. rubyetc

[ Messy drawing of two hands holding a bird. "HOLD ME, / NICELY, / I'M UNLOVELY" ]

ii. unknown

[ Black and white background image of people fighting. A man kneels down holding his head with his right hand in front of the audience. Right behind him is another man raising his fist in a punch. People lay on top of each other in the background. "WHY ARE YOU FULL OF RAGE?" ]

iii. @/rbhvleo

[ "TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER / TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER / TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER" ]

iv. Venetta Octavia, The Burning

[ "You are shaking fists & trembling teeth. I know: You did not mean to be cruel. That does not eman you were kind." ]

v. David Lynch, The Angriest Dog in the World

[ Stylized drawing of a tied up dog in the backyard of a house. "The dog who is so angry he cannot move. He cannot eat. He cannot sleep. He can just barely growl. / ...Bound so tightly with tension and anger, he approaches the state of rigor mortis." ]

vi. Japanese Breakfast, Boyish

[ "And all of my devotion turns violent" ]

vii. unknown

[ "You are / a better knife / than you are / a person." ]

vii. @/jovialtorchlight

[ "once you understand the form kill it / once you understand the form kill it / once you understand the form kill it / once the form is dead hold it and weep / once the form is dead hold it and weep / once the form is dead hold it and weep / once the form is dead hold it and weep / once the form is dead hold it and weep / once the form is dead hold it and weep / once you have wept for the dead whatever / once you have wept for the dead whatever / once you have wept for the dead whatever / once you have wept for the dead whatever / once you have wept for the dead whatever / once you have wept for the dead whatever / HOLD THE LAST LIGHT AND MOLD IT / HOLD THE LAST LIGHT AND MOLD IT / HOLD THE LAST LIGHT AND MOLD IT / HOLD THE LAST LIGHT AND MOLD IT" ]

[kermit-tired-of-bugas]

.

[petrichor-moss-and-lightning]

you think about killing yourself. you think about going to bed at a reasonable time. you do neither of these things.

instead, you resign yourself to staring at the cracks in the ceiling—tell yourself that tomorrow will fix it. that a mouth to the underside of your jaw will fix it. that ginger shots or yoga or taking three deep breaths or patching the goddamned cracks in the ceiling will fix it. you've been trying to fix it—this gasping, hollowing sensation in the gore of your chest—since you were fifteen and bitter and lurching into traffic / into lovers you couldn't love back / into any scrap of warmth that would have you.

you take three deep breaths. you watch the ceiling. you let time pass through you like a knife.

[ambiguousfiction]

:))

[radiance1]

Killer Croc and Jack Fenton are brothers.

Killer Croc was the first born, just a about 5 years older than Jack. Their father was a large man, much larger than should be possible considering he never had a meta gene.

But oh boy would it have not surprised them if he did. Because that man was strong, 10 feet tall, and shrugged off things that would injure most people.

Like a brick to the head.

Anyways.

Croc was entranced with his younger brother; he was so small so much tinier than he had any right to be, and cuter than a button. He babbled like most babies do, but Croc wouldn't think twice before calling his baby brother the best baby of them all.

His dad could fit him in the palm of his hand easily! Which was just one of Jack's many great qualities in his opinion!

Croc and Jack's parents weren't really on the best of terms, Croc could tell. He didn't know why, really, but he didn't want his baby bro to feel unloved in any sort of way, and it's not like he really had friends to hang out with, plus his parents were busy with jobs.

So he mostly spent his time taking care of and playing with Jack. Changing diapers, feeding him, lifting him up and down with his tail, just the normal sibling stuff.

He feels kind of bad for his dad though, whatever kind of job he had didn't even let him come home most days, and when he did he could barely even walk upright without falling asleep and jolting awake. He still made time for them, however, when he got those rare few off days.

He's honestly surprised that man managed to drive a car properly in the state he was in.

Their mother was often out of the house, Crocc didn't know what she was doing but he just thought it was like his dad. Unlike his dad, however, she didn't really like him. He didn't really know why, nor did he really care either if he was to be honest.

Around a year later the tension between their parents got so thick it could be cut with a butter knife. Then it turned to arguments in the rare times they both were in the house, he didn't even know his parents could make such cutting remarks to each other, and then both of them being in the house less than before.

Then when he turned 10, and Jack 5. They got divorced. Croc was left with his mother and Jack got taken by his father. His mother didn't take the divorce well, really, probably because at the same time she got fired from whatever the hell she was doing and was left jobless.

Then she dropped the bomb on his that his dad wasn't even his actual dad and Jack is only his half-sibling and then promptly abandoned him in the sewers with the rats and what was most likely very poisoned water due to it being the sewers and Gotham.

Well. Fuck.

Croc thinks that Jack doesn't even remember him due to how young he was, nor did he ever see his dad again cause, y'know, being abandoned in the sewers and all.

Then multiple years later he ran into his brother again and got DAMN was he tall. Not taller than him, but it was basically the equivalent of a gut punch to Croc, because he remembers his baby bro being so tiny, so baby.

He blames his father's genes for him being 8 feet taller now. A head shorter than him, sure. But he wants back his small baby bro alright.

Then he finds out his baby bro has a family.

And fuck did he not want to involve himself anymore in fear of being a catalyst for tearing said family apart due to being, well, him and all. Then he was promptly (quite literally) dragged over to meet said family despite his stance on the matter.

Then he finds out he's just treated like a normal person with zero amount of fear. His wife? She had to have a giant in her family too because she was 7 feet tall and was smart enough to kick his ass.

His daughter? 6 feet tall and their first meeting she accidently became his therapist. Also, he was sure she was a meta of some kind, probably something to do with wolves.

Then finally, their son.

It felt like he was thrown back to his childhood when he saw him, he looked so much like Jack did, and he was so, so tiny just like his baby bro was. He had to physically hold himself back from doing anything with the kid because he feared he would accidentally break him or something.

Then he found out that apparently his nephew was half-dead and that his brother and his wife hated ghosts with a passion, built a portal to the other side, had their city attack by the ghost king and then promptly found out about their son's half-dead status and had to do a major revamp of basically everything they knew and acted upon.

Which they're still working on.

Oh and also their daughter is a werewolf, she had a meta gene from someone of his dad's side and only recently activated it.

All of that which was a lot to take in for old Killer Croc, also he knew his niece had something to do with wolves.

So, Killer Croc in all of his life from the point of being abandoned at up to now, decided to go screw the bats and whatever they're attempts of figuring out what the fuck's going on with him (look at you Red Hood.) and decided to try and integrate himself into this family and brother's life again as best he can.

[relativefic]

the beauty of sapphic love

unknown // Dodie she // Lyra Wren // Sappho // Henryk Siemiradzki // Leith Ross we'll never have sex // Blu & exile o heaven // unknown // Leith Ross (you) on my arm // Morgan Rogers honey girl // boygenius & ye vagabonds the parting glass // Cuno Amiet dancing bathers // Lilith Kerr unloving the knife // Jennifer Dugan some girls do // king princess 1950 // Sarah Waters tipping the velvet // Henry Caro-delvaille // Taylor Jenkins Reid the seven husbands of Evelyn Hugo // Sheridan Le Fan Carmilla // Olivia Gatwood the love as a cult // Sarah Waters tipping the velvet // Hans Makart // Mitski my love mine all mine // unknown

[lizthewriter]

billy loomis, stu macher, and poly! headcanons with reader s/o

billy loomis headcanons with reader s/o

• first of all, billy is actually a pretty intelligent guy - cunning, strategic

• it's why he's always so good at chess (not that he's the biggest fan)

• reads lots of books - obviously horrors and thrillers are his favorite

• a bit obnoxious pissy about horror movies

• he will force you to watch horror movies with him - movie night ftw

• he's also a big trivia fan! loves trivia games, especially horror

• he says he doesn't like music, but secretly he listens to pop and motown - you will catch him singing along to marvin gaye and he will never admit that it happened

• has mediocre grades, despite his intellect - school bores him and he doesn't like to listen to what people tell him to do

• speaking of school, people paint him out to be some kind of "bad boy" but really all he is is quiet and reserved

• the only real reason he became friends with tatum, sid, and randy was because they became friends with his childhood best friend, stu

• he and stu are inseparable and they do everything together

• you'll probably end up spending more time at stu's then at billy's because billy doesn't like people coming over to his house

• mostly because of the fact that it's on the poorer side of town, and that everyone thinks that he has the picture-perfect family

• speaking of this so-called "family," he has major abandonment issues because his mother abandoned him and trust issues because his father had an affair and would barely pay him any attention

• both of these also contribute to his protectiveness/possessiveness

• it's not so much that he doesn't trust you around certain people (he does have intrusive thoughts a lot), he doesn't trust other people around you

• but when he does get insecure and starts to think that you'll leave him, it's more from his fear that he's unlovable and a bad s/o

• that's why he would love an s/o that would take care of him and do all those lovey-dovey things, even if he likes to pretend that he's not that fond of it

• holding hands, going on walks together, date/movie nights, staying in together, sleeping in the same bed, he wants ALL OF IT

• once he gets more comfortable around you and trusts you, he'll open up a lot more - you'll find he's really sweet on the inside, and REALLY funny

• no i swear, he has the best sense of humor - dark and dry, the perfect mix

• he's not really into PDA unless someone's trying to get in your pants, in which case all social conventions are dropped and he WILL shove his tounge down your throat

• this man is a great kisser *chef's kiss*

• his sex drive is at a medium, I'd say

• but damn if this mf isn't kinky as shit

• lovesss degrading you, being dominant, definitely has a size kink, knife kink, predator/prey, edging, he eats that shit up

• he barely ever gets subby - like ever, but once in a blue moon he just wants some slow, soft sex (this usually happens when he's feeling insecure)

• he's a boob guy 1000%

• he's not too into foreplay - don't get me wrong, he likes to make out for a little while and he knows you need time to get ready, but as soon as your wet he's already inside you pounding away

• loves missionary 🤭🤭 he likes to watch your reactions and dies every time he elicits a sound from your mouth

• dirty talks the entire time

• he's a multiple rounds kind of guy too - he may not want sex that often, but when he does, he WANTS IT

• not the best at aftercare, but he does pretty well - he'll clean you up, bring you a glass of water, but he really just likes to cuddle and fall asleep right after all that

• watches you while you sleep - he finds that it calms him, watching the slow rise and fall of your chest

• the biggest morning person ever - the definition of a morning person

• by the time you get up, he's already ready for school and prepared you breakfast

• has a nice car - loves to drive you around

• oh and he LOVESSSSS making you flustered, but in more of a conspicuous, secretive way

• will send you those FUCKING EYES in the middle of biology

• oh and if you sit next to each other in class, he'll place a hand on your thigh and rub circles into it

• he just loves to rile you up and watch you get angry at him (it turns him on a lil' bit)

• requires a kiss hi and a kiss goodbye - it doesn't matter where, as long as it's a kiss

stu macher headcanons with reader s/o

• this man is the legal textbook definition of ADHD, if not autism

• he has trouble paying attention, especially in school - somehow gets amazing grades anyways

• class clown - main goal in life is to make everyone laugh

• he likes books but finds it hard to pay attention to the words on the page - he much prefers audio books! the main way he consumes media

• he loves all kind of music, but especially alternative rock and hard rock (alice in chains' biggest fan for sure; loves to sing "them bones" out of nowhere - "man in a box" is his favorite)

• he also loves horror movies but he doesn't get as technical about it as billy - he'll watch all kinds, but he does have favorites

• also a big trivia fan - loves playing trivial pursuit

• remembers random facts (he watched jeopardy chronically as a child)

• he was babied by his parents a lot as a kid, which is why he's so extroverted and wild (*coughcough* rebellious *coughcough*)

• he's bisexual

• he lovesss doing makeup and also he wears crop tops all the time and he looks MAGNIFICENT in them

• he's very creative - loves to come up with stories and draw, but he's not really an artist per say, more like he likes scribbling random things

• his stomach is a black hole - no literally, this man devours the entire kitchen

• DO NOT LET HIM IN THE KITCHEN IF YOU ARE BAKING - he will eat whatever dough you're preparing behind your back

• loves to tease you and make you flustered, but in a very obvious way

• is VERY into PDA and flirting in public; constantly has an arm either slung around your shoulders or waist and will make out with you in front of his locker if you let him

• man has no boundaries

• also he will shower you with affection and treat you like a queen; worships the ground you walk upon

• he. loves. matching. clothes. will cry if you don't wear matching pj's with him

• you will chronically be at his house - he has beautiful puppy eyes, so it's easy to convince you to come over every day

• he loves having you sit in his lap or lay across his chest

• he also lovessss playing with your hair and is actually really good at braiding and all that (he has two older sisters)

• foreplay is his favorite thing in the whole world

• ass, boob, thighs? how about ALL

• absolutely a switch!

• prefers to eat you out and loves to overstimulate you mmmmm

• he has a very high sex drive - oh yeah, he's at it every night

• also prefers missionary, but likes you on your stomach, ass up, fave shoved into the pillows (his only purpose: to fuck you into subspace)

• he's pretty kinky too, but with slight differences from billy - instead of edging he loves overstimulation, rimming, marking, praising

• will make up any excuses to get in your pants and will also ask at the most random times - also, if you have a period doesn't care about it whatsoever, will still have sex with you

• aftercare KING!! he has everything prepared for when your done - he'll clean you up, he'll put the sheets out to be washed, he'll grab water and snacks, cuddle with you, and lay up for hours just talking

• he loves one on one conversations between the two of you, especially at more romantic spots like on the roof and under the stars

• will romance you - coincidentally (not at all) loves valentine's day

• you must give him your upmost attention - he loves ranting to you since you're the only person who listens to him and laughs at his jokes

• you will catch him staring at you with lovesick puppy eyes and he doesn't even care if you notice him, he just has an infinite love for you

poly!billy loomis and stu macher headcanons with reader s/o

• together they are certainly a duo - their personalities really balance them out perfectly

• stu is loud and hyperactive, billy is quiet and reserved

• but stu does bring billy out of his shell and billy reigns stu in when he goes too far - all in all, they make each other better

• you all bang out at stu's house - most of the time, just to chill, but bill insists on weekly movie nights and stu insists on weekly board game nights

• if you're not on good terms with your family, stu's welcomes you in like you're their own kid (billy had basically been their son for years)

• billy loves halloween and while stu loves halloween, he's also a big christmas person as well

• stu really just loves holidays and anything that gets them off of school

• whatever shenanigans stu is up to, billy pretends to dislike it but he goes along for a reason, doesn't he? he kind of likes indulging in stu

• they love taking you on car rides around town

• stu buys you all matching shirts and pj's, much to billy's horror

• stu is just constantly buying the two of you random shit

• "i saw this and it reminded me of you guys!"

• usually the way sleeping together works is stu is on the left, you're laying across half of his ches, and billy is on your right with his arm slung around your waist

• stu is constantly warm (why he has his shirt off half the time) and billy had cold hands (will place them unprovoked on the back of your neck)

• if you bake, they work together to steal your dough and eat it

• oh my god, if you go somewhere to get clothes, they will be trailing right behind you and wait for you outside the dressing room to out their two cents in

• billy was kind of dragged along - he truly thinks you look good in anything no matter what, but stu actually offers you good fashion advice

• "hmm . . . no, that red really isn't your color - they have that dress in a blue you look good in, why don't I go grab it for you?"

• billy and stu make sure your birthday is really special

• their goal is just to make you feel loved, accepted, and respected in general

• together, they are both VERY possessive over you, however - so PDA is a must

• they will make it plainly clear to everyone that you are THEIRS and not to be touched

• constant sex - no seriously, be prepared

• I've already made it clear what they both like individually

• but, yes, they both love to tease you - foreplay is a must, and they'll draw it on for a while to get you desperate

• most of the time, they're both dominant in the bedroom, but I can see you and billy turning the table on a subby stu (or in the case of billy being a sub, soft sex with all three of you)

• they are both brat-tamers, but stu's the nicer one

• however, billy is a bit of a brat sometimes (will never admit it but he would die to be punished by you and stu)

• they're both into bondage . . . I think that was a given

• hours and hours and HOURS

• also everywhere. in the kitchen, on the couch, in the bedroom, hell, in the bathroom, they will take you EVERYWHERE

• like I said, they're both pretty good at aftercare

• they love to spend time with you and cuddle - billy likes to trace your skin with his finger, especially your back, while stu likes to play with your hair

• you will fall asleep together like this

• stu would probably be the first person to say "I love you"

• it might take a while, but billy will too eventually

• they just want all of you to be happy and that's all that matters :)

[nohoney]

pt 2 for this dragon king! bakugou blurb

the bride that bakugou had stolen becomes his concubine, having you whenever and wherever it pleases him. he could summon you to his chambers at night and you were to go to him. if he finds you in the garden and wants to fuck you in the grass, you weren’t allowed to deny him. he beckons for you, you obey.

and you do so with enthusiasm, never denying your king as he takes whatever position he wants to fuck you in.

bakugou doesn’t care much for your affection and adoration, only really finding it useful that he has an easy hole to fuck whenever he wants to seek out some relief. it doesn’t even matter to him when you thank him for when you cum during frenzied and unloving coitus. all that matters is that he fulfills his own satisfaction and he does not owe you any scrap of tenderness.

his coldness does not cool the warming affection that you so clearly have for him.

no matter the degrading names he growls at you when he has you pinned to his bed, the rough handling of your hair when he fucks his cock into your mouth, he hadn’t even preserved your decency when others would occasionally stumble upon you when you were with the king—no matter the lack of courtesy he hardly gave you, you never once showed any resentment to his treatment.

if anything, you were always grateful.

it truly shows how much you must have dreaded and hated the man who would have been your husband had bakugou not come on your wedding day to slaughter every person on sight.

there was never any complaint from you, not when bakugou pushed you away once he was done, not when he looked at you sometimes in bewilderment when you gave him lovesick eyes, and certainly not when he allowed the rare times of you sleeping in his bed so that he could fuck you again later instead of summoning you again.

he never gave any thought to you being more than a warm body for him to use. it was his right as king after all, to determine your worth and what value you were to him.

but there’s day he’s cut with a poison knife while he was out in battle, writhing sick in his bed and sometimes screaming from the agony from the burning wound. he was tended to in all areas needed, everyone fearing for the health of their king and praying to the gods to expel the poison from his body and to leave their king in health.

bakugou was bedridden for more than a fortnight before he was finally feeling some semblance of relief. the cut had left a scar on his body but his health had proved stronger. still, he was advised to carry himself carefully for the next few weeks.

“that girl you picked up, the bride, you know she almost tried to kill herself?” kirishima told him one day when they were in the caves to look over the new hatch of dragon eggs. bakugou eyes him from the side and says nothing, but he’s curious to know why you were trying to harm yourself. “she thought you were going to die. kept on saying that if you were no longer on this realm then there was no point of her existence as well.”

bakugou makes no comment, only quietly nodded his head and picked up a green dragon egg, still slimy from being expelled quite recently.

later that night, you’re summoned to his chambers, resuming your duties and riding on top of him. it’s a relief to know that he is alive, to feel that he is well enough to have his desires taken care of, that he still lives on and that death tried so hard to take his soul but had been unsuccessful. your moans are soft as you move your hips, grinding deeply as you fully sit on his cock and feel the tip press into that weakening spot that has your eyes fluttering.

“oh! oh gods…!” you groan as you move up and down on bakugou’s cock, bouncing on top of him and bring him to the plane of pleasure that he seems to have entrusted you to at this point. it was the only thing he seemed to assign you to and you were nothing but grateful to have this role.

you’ve never bothered to announce when you could feel an orgasm rising up in you, bakugou doesn’t fuck for your pleasure after all; only his own. it’s rising up though, making you dizzy with pleasure and has you riding harder, the wet little squishes and splashes from where you are connected to your king making you so happy. because when you’re cumming this much, he’s not that much farther behind you. and you want to make him cum, you want your king to cum, just about to hop off so that you can finish him off with your mouth—such as the routine.

instead you’re surprised when his hands grab at your hips, lifting you off his cock. it slaps against his stomach, shining wet from what you can see from the candlelight and you’re confused why he had taken you off of him. had he been unsatisfied? perhaps he was in pain and he couldn’t finish?

“c’mere, up here.” he mumbles and directing you with a nod.

you hesitate at first, unsure what he meant for you to do. “my king?”

“want to taste you.”

it’s a first he’s ever said to you. in the entirety of you belonging to him since he had stolen you from your wedding day, bakugou had never bothered about your pleasure. he only acted in ways that delighted him—choking you, striking your rear as he fucked you from behind, even occasionally pushing a single thick finger into your asshole. you had never asked him to service you in anyway, you would never dream of making such a request.

but you hesitantly obey, hovering over him and yelping when bakhgou’s strong hands force you onto his face. his mouth messily licks at your cunt and it shocks you how good it feels, gasping up at the high ceiling of his room and throwing your head back. your hips move of their own accord, grinding against his mouth and his chin is slick from his saliva and your juices dripping from the pleasure.

an orgasm is rising up again, less intense than when you’re getting fucked but you recognize it getting ready to burst. you dare to grab onto his ashy, blond hair for stability. a drawn out, pitched moan is sung up to the ceilings as you cum. your body tenses and shakes, seeing stars litter your vision and you almost fall back but manage to catch yourself.

you try to catch your breath, blinking and keeping in your small little moans. and then you look down at bakugou, almost startled to see him just as overwhelmed as you. the flush on his face is something you had never seen before but you choose to make no comment. you slowly move off of him, still needing to do your duty and making sure that he’s satisfied but you find that he’s already done it himself.

his hand was on his cock, now starting to soften, and he had spilled his seed onto his stomach.

“clean me up.” bakugou orders gruffly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. you find your discarded dress on the floor and use it to wipe down his stomach and cock. you start to get ready to put the dress on so that you can return to your chambers but you’re given another order, “put that down and stay here.”

you’re obedient, letting the dress drop back onto the floor and laying back into the bed. the softness of it feels good against your back and it’s warm thanks to the heat of bakugou’s body. in the dim candlelight, you can see the scar of the cut that almost killed him. it makes you emotional almost, the anxiety and despair that had almost swallowed you whole had he not survived.

you chance moving yourself closer to him, closer to your savior, leaving the smallest gap that you feel would not offend him. “rest well, my king.”

bakugou grunts in acknowledgment, his eyes shutting and listening to your breaths become even as you drift to sleep first.

[delicrieux]

—𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐯𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭, ch.1: things of present and future importance

pairing—carmy berzatto x f!reader genre—drama, romance, age gap, boss/employee relationship warnings for this chapter—trauma, anxiety, swearing, and sum depression as dessert word count—2k

uh-oh, carmen is losing it again, this time in front of his new employee, too. 

author’s note: give me this wet dog of a man and give him to me NOWWWWWWWW

masterlist | buy me coffee☕ | read on ao3 . next >

important! some of the dialogue scenes are written as a script & dialogues that overlap are marked in [] <3

there’s a lot of things wrong with this situation, but carmen does not have it in him to care. maybe he never will, and that’s okay, because it’s his fucking restaurant and he knows he could be kinder, could be gentler, could, maybe, keep all of those splinters in his gut from hurting too bad if he took a few deep breaths just how they say in therapy. deep breaths, slow breaths, and then they look at you like you’re a toddler having a meltdown in the middle of the street and suddenly, suddenly, it’s all go fuck yourself and the door slamming shut.

carmen’s an abandoned puppy – disheveled hair and round eyes that have been unloved (by him, most of all), with his head bent and shoulders tense, not sure whether to flee or attack, but offense is the best defense and just like a bad dog he bites when frightened. it’s all teeth and anger and desperation; jaws lock and teeth sink and he doesn’t let go because he’s starving, even if what he’s fighting for is nothing but a cadaver of a place, space, body – brother? no, don’t think of mikey. he’s starving, has been for ages – approval? don’t say that – and that hunger bubbles to the surface when confronted by a minuscule imperfection, like sauce on the stove left to simmer for too long.

it’s a bad first impression, second impression, third, what the fuck, he’s good at food and not very good at math, unless math comes to food and then, maybe, he can sort it out. still bad, still fucking terrible, to be honest, and somewhere in the frying tangles of his mind he knows that yelling doesn’t help, and that yelling in front of the new hire doesn’t bode well for retention. the last enzymes of his sanity warn him – calm down, just, just calm down, carmen, you’re making it worse, you’re making it fucking worse – but the to-go machine keeps beeping, and the kitchen is too hot, and his staff is too anxious, and everything is amplified tenfold by his brother’s looming shadow that exists to him only. don’t think of mikey.

“can someone please turn that fucking thing off?” it’s his voice, laced by such scorn and a barely contained anger that makes him tremble by the pans. he’s losing his mind. sweat collects on his temple and his eyes sting from the fumes billowing onto his face, “sydney!”

“yes, chef.”

sydney’s a trooper, doesn’t bend under pressure like steel, and he sees her maneuvering in his peripherals, quick and agile to not get into anyone’s way, least of all his. briefly, he thinks about burning this place down. he blinks. the beeping stops – she ripped the cord out of the socked, dropped it onto the floor that sent an echo.

the new hire watches this shitshow unfold by her station, eyes wide and weary, ears perked for orders. her hands move – strong hands, swift hands, long fingers and rough palms that cradle a knife the way a mother would cradle a child. she doesn’t look at what she cuts, but she chops and slices and it’s all automatic – trained response? – and if carmen were to take a ruler and inspect the pieces, he’d be impressed to find that most are even and none are crooked. he’d hum, then, skim through the folders of his mind to re-check her experience, re-check the college she went to. he’d say something like, “good work, chef,” and maybe she’d smile at the bare bones of the compliment he’d given her, and when he’d be alone in his dingy office he’d pull out her resume and examine it with more interest because he’d be too embarrassed to ask.

he’ll grow familiar with those hands, with the dips and curves of knuckles and the tiger stripes of scars running down their expanse; he’ll grow familiar with the touch, too, soft despite the callouses, but only to him. not yet, though, not for another few months till a completely expected storm will halt the trains and he’ll have to drive her home. it’ll be weeks after that awkward silence in the car and stolen glances at soaked t-shirt-clad skin.

her form is unfamiliar to him – he hadn’t any interest to look, nor would he find anything curious when all is covered in oversized fabric and a blue apron. at present, she’s his colleague, nothing more, and a young one at that, too young and too talented to be stuck in such a place and with him running it.

but he will look. sooner than expected, and not for any devout reason, unless loneliness can be considered holy.

he’ll feel bad about it, too, and he’ll feel worse when everything escalates, because it always does.

for now, he cooks by the open flame, letting hot oil sizzle on his hands and the fire lick his fingers, and maybe, just maybe, he likes the pain because he knows nothing else. it’s become empirical to him. an indication that he’s still alive. that he’s still in control of something, even if he isn’t.

richie, richie, good fucking god, richie always picks the worst moments to bitch about.

“are you fucking with me?” carmen’s voice, again, a bit higher this time and just a gruff. doe eyes narrow at the bell-tower named richard jerimovich that has the audacity to look clueless, “do not fucking fuck with me right now.”

richie: shove that stick outta [fuck you] your ass, cousin carmen: are you deaf? richie: boutta go deaf if you keep yapping [don’t got time for this]; listen, i just [you just?] came to talk [talk? now? talk?] yes, to talk, look carmen: now you wanna talk? now? you wanna [jesus] fucking talk right now?

the tension in the air is sharp enough to slice through skin. everyone pointedly pretends not to hear this conversation. carmen doesn’t want to hear this conversation, either. there’s a line of people waiting. he reminds richie of that, and richie reminds that oh, he knows, and –

“richie!” it’s sydney, cheeks glowing with sweat and bandana crooked, “not now.”

richie huffs, looks at carmen with a certain exasperation, a wordless question of ‘really? really? you’re letting her run the show, now?’, and carmen needn’t be a genius to know that richie’s gonna bring this up later. he’ll never hear the end of it, he scarcely does now. it’s a headache in the making. his heart skips, or maybe stops, and for a moment he feels white-hot panic shoot through his veins. it passes with a shiver he doesn’t show. he breathes just a tad quicker – not enough air, not enough fucking air, jesus.

richie retreats with his arms raised in surrender, amused and annoyed simultaneously. a quiet follows his departure, and carmen looks at the staff, gaze jumping from one to the other before settling on her. she’s unperturbed by the chaos, working, watching, assessing, and later he’ll learn she wears that face the same way he wears his anger – as armor.

eyes meet and there’s a certain understanding that glimmers in the depths of her iris. but what could she understand? three weeks from now, he’ll come to learn that she’s used to rough edges and loud voices: he’ll learn that she’s the daughter of the chef that made his life hell back in new york, he’ll learn that she took up cooking because she wanted to appease her father, he’ll learn that her parents have split and her mother is sick and that she’s not calm but disconnected and that she tends to live in her head just like him.

but he doesn’t know that now, so he blames the shitty lighting that blinks and buzzes and, “fak, for the love of fucking god, please fix it.”

he said please this time, and it means he’s cooling off. he thankfully misses the quick look the staff shares – a mixture of relief and pity. either would have been devastating to recognize.

the only upside is that the day goes by fast. too much to do, too much to stress about, and carmen’s used to running on nothing but nicotine and adrenaline and an odd spout of desolation, and he manages everything, keeps the pieces glued together until eventually everything becomes too much and then he crumbles. still picks them up gently, like handling broken glass. he visits the storage often. closes the door for a moment and just lets himself breathe, reminds himself how to. doesn’t calm, only collects, reigns in the anger that coats loneliness. don’t think about mikey.

the staff cleans in a similar silence that douses after a storm.

the night's clear, crisp air compounded with cigarette smoke. he leans on the wall of the restaurant, staring into space, listening to the white noise of a restless city. by now, sydney has flipped the CLOSED sign; by now, his new hire is probably thinking about quitting, elbows deep in cleaning detergent as she scrubs the floor. he’ll have to go over her work and double-check. just in case there’s something more to do for hands that are always restless.

he tries to think but his head is scrambled. too many thoughts rushing in and out, loud, obnoxious, too quick to leave a lasting impact. he’s tired. he’s always tired. he wants lay on his bed and let sleep swallow him whole, but he knows that won’t happen. if he sleeps, he dreams of new york, he dreams of fire, he dreams of voices coming from the other room. one, in particular, holds a familiar rasp and drawl, punctuated by laugher, weaving a tale and stop it, don’t think about it anymore, just stop it, don’t think about –

he tosses the cigarette, watching the embers burn.

don’t think about mikey.

he enters through the back exit, stalks through the restaurant like he's haunting the place. briefly stops to stare at the mirror behind the bar. doesn't really recognize the man staring back.

the clock reads 00:30 am.

marcus was the last to leave, or so carmen assumed by the silence that shrouds the place, but as he makes his way to his office, he hears a locker shutting, and the sound rattles him so much his heart beats in his throat. all of that previous exhaustion ignites into anxiety that makes his limbs lock up.

she halts by the mouth of the kitchen, hair matted from sweat and lower lip marked where her teeth sunk, drooped eyes widening a fraction as she regards him. he can only stare at her in return, at her messy hair and pinched eyebrows and the slight downward curl of her lips.

“you could use a coffee,” she utters, and her voice is jarring – not for any unpleasant reason, but for the fact that he didn’t expect to hear it. he’ll grow to like it, crave it, even, because it’s a lovely cadence and it’ll sound even lovelier when she says his name.

he’s frightened by it now, if one can be scared of such a thing. so he bites.

“it’s almost 1 am.”

“right,” she mutters dryly.

“why are you still here?” he questions, and it almost sounds like an accusation, because he thought he was alone, only to suddenly be proved wrong. feels like an invasion of privacy, to be fucking honest, “your shift ended like an hour ago.”

“oh, I, uh, had some things to finish, so…” she trails off, but she still looks at him, and it’s unnerving, really, how she doesn’t budge under the weight of his stare. he bends under hers, though; the floor is spotless, he has nothing left to do. he misses the visible tension in her face, misses the quick swipe of her tongue on her lower lip as she opens and closes her mouth. it’ll take two whole weeks to grow entranced by the sight. misses the polite smile, too, but hears it in her voice anyway, “night.”

her sneakers squeak and echo and the door shuts. silence settles heavy on his shoulders. he’s not sure if he’s more distraught by her sudden appearance or abrupt departure. both somehow feel bad. in less than half a year, he’ll come to realize that the latter is worse.

ch.2: thank you, love you