#venting time woo

[pokimoko]

I have had it with these motherfucking spam bots on this motherfucking site.

[p4nishers]

remember obi wan kenobi?? man was he gay

[prestonmonterey]

feeling really sydney core rn /neg dying from unknown diseases

[bitter-and-dumb]

Get drunk watch Steven universe grieve over a childhood you'll never get the chance to have

[daintylocket]

i miss her.

[safyresky]

😤😤😤

[verynormalguy]

couldn't even be assed to make this look any better lol

[derrypubliclibrary]

.

[passionfruitmango]

Ick ick ick ICK

Just had a blazed post cross my dash talking about starseeds and lightworkers and I know that spiritual psychosis is a canon event for some people, shit it was for me too, but like

ICK

[kolivera-cunnilingus]

u ever listen to a case and realize just how brutally the person who did it is gonna be tortured and killed in jail for it? ruby frankie whatsherfuck is gonna get brutalized in ways thatll make what she did to her kids look like a tickle.

[normiewizard]

in a sawtrap designed to make me kill myself called my roommates are dating

[omohole]

shout out to us for having a good week and then it going to absolute shit in the blink of an eye over something so fucking unimportant

- MK

[alexthenbee]

Happy stress awareness week

[pansypr3p]

my current mood is to hide from all my friends and try to avoid talking to everyone because this is the lesser form of self isolation and i am barely holding it together

[lullinglily]

His Promised Consort (Messmer the Impaler X Fem!Reader)

Being the firstborn of Queen Marika means that Messmer carries a great deal of importance concerning who he is to marry. Marika saw to that, of course.

While it was troublesome finding a family that would relinquish their child to one as serpentine as he, she did eventually find a willing house.

You were the daughter of a wealthy noble family settled inside the walls of the Royal Capital, and a strong contender for the prince’s hand.

When Marika first tells her son of the meeting she’s set up, he’s terrified. How could one come to love him, cursed as he is?

Nevertheless, he wishes to please his mother. 

The young prince is especially clueless when it comes to these sort of things and finds himself frequently asking for help from his servants. How does one woo a young lady such as yourself? What if you dislike him? It’s far too often that his chamberlain catches him venting his anxieties to his serpent companions. 

When he first meets you you’re almost his exact height. It’s no big surprise; you’re both quite close in age, after all. After the initial meeting however, Messmer’s demigod status begins to show. Each time you meet he’s about a foot taller. While you’re looking up at him in awe, he’s staring down at you in confusion. Why is it that you still don’t make it up to his chest?

He never ceases to be charmingly awkward each time you meet. Even though he’s grown he still acts like a shy young boy, especially around you. Fumbling with his hands, regaling you with tales of his family’s successes, stumbling over his verbosity … It’s adorable. 

Later on in the courtship, Queen Marika herself will invite both you and Messmer to catch up on your own while she and your family discuss things further. It’s a little nerve-racking of course, but Messmer approaches this task with total earnestness. He wants you to like him; to be proud of him and his family. And so, he takes you on a tour of Leyndell castle. He shows you around and gives you lengthly explanations of each and every inch of the place while trying to ignore how quickly his heart is beating. He finds it difficult to talk when a simple glance from you is enough to tie his tongue up in knots.

From time to time there will be dinners at either family’s residences, and the both of you will always be sat together. The prince uses these opportunities to be as gentlemanly as possible; pulling out your chair for you, asking if you need anything, if the food is to your liking, etc … While it’s not his intention, it never ceases to fluster you. So much so that at some point you pull him aside and tell him that all you truly want is to hear him talk about himself; about his desires and what he likes. And that, while you appreciate how accommodating he always is, you’d like to know less about the prince and more about Messmer. It’s after this discussion that he becomes more relaxed, and more intrigued with you as a whole. He’s still awkward in your presence, still eager to please, but somehow less uptight about it all. 

His snakes grow closer to you each time you visit as well. At first they approach you only to take you in, their eyes working you over before pulling back towards their master. As your relationship with Messmer grows so too does his serpents’ fondness for you. They keep their eyes on you even when their Lord’s back is turned, much to his chagrin. They’ve gotten more comfortable with your presence, gently rubbing against you as if urging you to pet them. The moment you enter the room they perk up, flicking their tongues in greeting as they move towards you, often prompting Messmer to gently reel them back. 

It’s hard for him to believe that eventually the both of you will be married. You seem to him a princess already, perfect in every way possible, and so different from his curse-ridden self. 

You mean everything to him. After years of courting you, of feeling unworthy of your grace, of awkward brushes against each other and a final exchanging of vows; you were together. He simply could not have been happier.

Your wedding was grand, yet few people were allowed in to witness it. Those who were granted access to the union told of a serious looking Messmer attempting to hold back a smile as the priest read aloud the words he was meant to repeat; words which he echoed almost as soon as they were spoken to him. His voice, while stoic, was betrayed by this telling notion of excitement. 

The both of you lived together in Leyndell only for as long as it took Messmer and his mother to plan the crusade. You’d enjoyed your time there, your husband could tell, but he swore to you the Land of Shadow would be far more to your tastes. A land in which he alone ruled, and so too would you. 

He left once the plan was ready to be put into action, placing a gentle kiss on your hand where the ring he gave you rested. He promised to return for you once his crusade had its first few successes, and soon enough it had. 

You’d missed him, and by the way he enveloped you in his lanky embrace it seemed he missed you just as terribly —  if not more so. 

While you were sure your marriage to your husband and his horrid deeds sullied the name of your house, you refused to leave him. You were both quite attached to each other.

Messmer’s Fire Knights told of the bond between him and his Pyrefly Consort, how it had existed since childhood and held strong even in the death-touched land they both now occupied. 

Never would those under his command have the privilege of seeing the both of you doting on each other. In fact, anyone who bore witness to The Impaler himself melting in his wife’s arms would be incinerated on the spot. 

After everything had been said and done, after Messmer and his crusade had been denounced by the very Order they served, after Marika’s blessings had halted; you remained his. In that grim keep he had only you and his seal to remind him of his mother, of Marika and her kindness. 

While his seal was still in its place, it was no heartfelt gift. You, however, were. 

You who so sweetly regarded him as your one and only beloved, you who he’d known for so long it felt as though you were a part of his very being. You whom he loved so dearly, so completely. When those he trusted rebelled against him, when his name was made into a four-letter word and even his mother seemed to have forgotten him, you still took his bloodied hands in yours. 

And for that he will forever be in your debt. 

[skylarsblue]

✦Even. More. Incorrect C.o.D Quotes.✦

Y/N, pinning Soap’s arms with their thighs in sparring: Haha! Eat shit, Scotsman! Soap, struggling: FUCKIN’ ‘ELL, The hell is in your thighs?! Y/N: Pure spite and protein, bitch! --

Someone: Hey Johnny. Y/N: Oh, no, only Ghost can- Soap: Oi! Only Y/N & Ghost can pull that off, it’s Soap to you. Y/N: Yeah he- wait me too? *gaaassp* Ohhh is this what favoritism feels like?! Soap: Pfft, maybe! Y/N: I enjoy it a lot! <3

-- American!Y/N: Fuckin’ git, he’s off his rocker, that one. The entire team: … American!Y/N: *dramatically smacks their hand over their mouth* Gaz: *laughing* Was that genuine?! Y/N: AH, I’ve been conditioned! I’ve been colonized! Soap: COLONI-*WHEEZE*

-- Fem Fatal!Y/N: What th- what is this, a spy movie? You want me to infiltrate by being some eye candy?! Laswell: It’s the best option we have. Ghost: I disagree with this. Soap: Me too! This feels real nasty, I think. Fem Fatal!Y/N: *sigh* Fine, I’ll do it. God gave me these tits for a reason, might as well use’em for somethin’. Gaz: PFF-no no, don’t be funny, this is a bad situation.

-- Graves: No! You can’t, cause if you take it- …you’ll be hurting my feelings :((( Ghost: You know, I was thinking about that. And, the thing is…I really don’t care.

-- (In a ride back to base; just makin’ conversation)

Gaz: Do you find boys attractive? Or girls. That’s one what to check, if you’re not sure. Y/N: *chuckles* You think I’m not sure? Y/N: Everyone’s attractive to be honest, even if it’s just something small. Like, some people have really gorgeous hands. Y/N: I don’t know…I’m a little bit in love with everyone I meet. But I think that’s normal. Gaz: …hm, suppose that’s a fair answer…

-- Soap, laughing: You watch it or might just start fallin’ for ya, L.T! Ghost: …would you like to? Soap: Eh-…huh? Simon: Would you like to? Fall in love with me, I mean… Soap: ….well I-…well, yeah. I wouldn’t mind…if you’d let me. Simon: …I’d let you. Soap: Well then, guess that’s it then. Woo me, Si. Simon: I’ll do my best.

-- Someone: I don't need advice from a team of virgin losers. Y/N: VIRGIN LOSERS?! *grabs Price’s shoulder and motions to him aggressively* You gonna tell me you think this man doesn’t fuck for a living?! HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?! Gaz & Soap: *for the millionth time trying not to laugh* Price: *he’s not encouraging it but he does look kinda smug*

-- Gaz, on TikTok: Everyone’s always like “Kyle how’d you bag a baddie, how’d you bag that baddie bruh-“ I didn’t bag shit. Y/N picked me up from my neck, threw me over their shoulder and I’ve been on it ever since. (Zooms out to show that he is in fact, on their shoulder) Gaz: And I ain’t got no plans on getting off anytime soon-

(This also works with Soap & Ghost)

-- Y/N: Why’s it always you got mommy issues or you got daddy issues? Me personally? Both my parents got me messed up, the side I pick? Is mine. I ain’t Hannah Montana- Y/N: 🎶but I got the best of both worlds!~🎵 Ghost: *he’s laughing on the inside, I swear*

-- Ghost, on the verge of dissociating: Why be sad…when you can just be ✨g o n e✨ Soap: Si, no-

-- Graves: Punch me. In the face. Didn’t you hear me? Y/N: I always hear “punch me in the face” when you speak, but it’s usually subtext. Graves: *huff* Well I- *gets punched so hard he falls over* Y/N: ….that felt good. Ghost: I’m so proud- Price: Stop encouraging them.

-- Soap, bursting into the briefing room: Y/N got into a fight! (Insert running scene) Price: Soldier, what hap- Ghost, sliding up in front of them: Did you win? Y/N: Of course I won. Ghost: Nice. Price: STOP ENCOURAGING VIOLENCE-

-- Y/N, in a vent above a room: Soap, it’s me, the devil! Soap: *wheeze* Gaz: *trying so hard not to laugh* Y/N: I’m here to convince you to do SIN. Come with me. Steal candy from babies and from small businesses! Soap: *WHEEZE*

-- Y/N, passing by: *does that super flirty “up & down” look* Hey König…~ König: Hallo, guten morgen. Y/N: *smiles and keeps going* König, as soon as they’re gone: *deep breath* Ohmeingottohmeingott *tiny scream*

-- Ghost after being asked about his feelings on Soap: *heavy breathing* ……..nextquestion-

-- Gaz, a menace on TikTok: Batches be on the lookout for Captain Save-A-Hoe, cause he savin’ hoes. Price, minding his business: ? Y/N, dramatically “swooning” in the background: I WANNA BE SAAAAAVED *falls* Price, unaware he’s having a thirst trap made for him: ?????

-- (I think bullying Graves is funny)

Graves: Let me tell you how this is gonna work- Y/N: You ain’t gonna tell me shit. Graves: Listen!- Y/N: Suck my dick. Graves: Listen to me!- Y/N: Suck my dick. Graves: Shut up, listen to me! Y/N: Suck my dick, you fuck man. Graves: Listen!! Y/N: Suck my dick. Graves: You will be here and listen to my ord- Y/N: You’ll be here sucking my dick. Graves: Listen to me, now! Y/N: Go fuck yourself.

-- Y/N: I would rather lead my team into a pit of fire, than have them wield guns for your ignorant usurper cunt of a general. Price: *mans is so proud it’s showing in his chops*

-- Simon: Your eyes are like sapphires…jeez…ahem, that’s pretty corny though, huh? Soap, swooning: No, not at all. Anyone would like it…aha… Simon: …uh…is this- Soap: Working? Oh yeah, thoroughly wooed, sir. Simon: Good, good.

-- Price: Please tell me you didn’t drag the boys into this. Y/N: I didn’t drag Soap & Gaz into this! *insert banging on door* Price: Who is that? Y/N: I think you know.

-- Soap: I wouldn’t wish that ‘pon my worst enemy. Unless, of course, we’re talkin’ ‘bout my enemy Philip Graves. Soap: Fuck you, Phillip(/neg), you know what you did.

-- Gaz: So you have feelings for this person. Just rip the bandaid off. Y/N, with daddy issues: It’s Price. Gaz: *inhales through his teeth* Put the bandaid back on.

-- Y/N: …Ghost? You’re into Ghost? Soap: Mhm…thoughts? Y/N: And prayers, Johnny. And prayers.

-- Gaz: Are you straight? Y/N: *chokes on drink* Don’t ever fucking insult me like that ever again.

-- (Some type of escort mission or somethin’)

Price: This woman wouldn’t know how to fix a broken fingernail. Fem!Y/N: Honestly, you lot have to be the most boorish, crude, pig-headed men I’ve ever met. Price: Hey, I’ve seen the high-bred boys you’ve hung out with, princess. I’m the only man you’ve ever met.

(Insert overly intense sexual tension here)

-- König: How does that even make any- *knife sound* König: *looks down at the knife in his thigh* Did you just- *takes knife out* Did you just stab me? What is your problem?!

-- (I’m only using Alejandro cause the dude in the audio had a slight Spanish accent, mans is definitely a feminist)

Alejandro: It’s not natural for girls to fight. Fem!Y/N: Now it’s not natural for a man to be as stupid as he is tall, but mm. Here you stand! Alejandro, in love: …