#we can't even fix it ourselves because it's not our house and we don't have permission to like come on

[royalberryriku]

It's gonna be 39C (102.2f) and we don't have an aircon fuckkk I hate Australian summers. Especially since, at least here, it's humid af as well.

[actual-changeling]

i think it's hard to understand the level of betrayal crowley must have felt, which leads to a lot of assumptions around him easily forgiving aziraphale or not being angry; so let's put ourselves into his position.

imagine: your partner, your best friend, the one person in the world that you love more than anyone else, asks you to change how you look, how you talk, who you are—so you can follow them back to an abusive household that threw you out and told you to never come back.

and they tell you that happy and excited and it's not even a question, it's a "by the way, we're doing that, isn't that great?"

you try to tell them no, it's not, i don't want to go back there, i like who i am now. they hurt me and scarred me for life, and they will do it again.

the person you loves, the person you thought loves you, looks at you and says "but you're bad. don't you want to be good? they can make you good."

come with me, you say. that house doesn't want us, we can have our own, we can build our own home. just the two of us, we don't need them, we're fine the way we are.

"i can change them" they say, as if you didn't try. as if you didn't try to change them first. as if that wasn't the reason they threw you to the wolves.

fuck it, you say. you confess your love anyway because they must know, right? they need to know. "don't leave me" you beg, plead, pray.

"oh," they respond, smiling. "nothing lasts forever."

you try to walk away, they stop you, they make it worse, make it clear they don't understand you like you thought. do they love you or the version of you they created in their head? you can't tell anymore.

"we could have been us," you say. we could have been happy.

you kiss them because you have to, because you will be damned twice over if you lose them without kissing them, because your patience snaps and you think you might die if you don't kiss them right now.

it doesn't change anything. "i forgive you"—for being me? for loving you? for refusing to tear myself apart? for kissing you? it's not like it matters. they're gone. you watch them leave.

would you immediately forgive them if they showed up on your doorstep? or would you be heartbroken and angry? you miss them, you still love them, but FUCK YOU. fuck you for demanding that of me. fuck you for everything you said. FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING.

six thousand years. six thousand years.

it would already be hard to forgive a person you have loved for two years or ten, and it gets worse the longer you know them. six thousand fucking years and aziraphale did that. we know why he did. we know how their story will end, but crowley doesn't.

all crowley has is aziraphale's speech and his face disappearing behind elevator doors. all crowley has is you're the bad guys and come with me and nothing lasts forever and i need you and i forgive you.

love alone does not and cannot fix that. aziraphale took six thousand years of trust and set them on fire with a smile on his face, and i understand the urge to try and find an explanation where he doesn't do that. where everything is secretly fine.

but there isn't.

aziraphale needs to rebuild that trust, he needs to earn it again. and mot importantly, he needs to understand why his words and actions broke it in the first place. but even then—even if crowley is the kindest possible version of himself and aziraphale does everything right—even then crowley would have every single right to say i don't forgive you. i love you and i understand you, we can be together, but i cannot forgive you for that and we both have to live with that now.

they will get their happy ending, i do truly believe that, but it might not be the fairy tale happily ever after you imagine and that's okay. it still counts. it's still good.

let crowley be angry and let them find their way back to each other, even if that path does not include forgiveness.

[sunny44]

All these years (Part 3)

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Ex girlfriend! Reader

Warnings: slap, fights and maybe more things

Summary: Separated by a disagreement, Charles and Y/n meet again after years apart and all the feelings they had repressed come flooding back.

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

My parents had already left for dinner at the Leclerc house and I was already showered and getting ready to order a pizza when the doorbell rang.

"I can't believe he really came." I said to myself and opened the door and saw Arthur standing there. “You really came here to get me. Seriously?”

"Of course I came, why didn't you came?"

"I don't want to see your brother, I didn't even want to come to the wedding so I wouldn't see your brother." He put his hand on his chest, feigning fake indignation. "I'm sorry but it's true and at the wedding I can still get away from him but there in your house with half a dozen people I can't."

"Y/n, he didn't even come, there was a problem with the plumbing in his apartment and the plumber couldn't fix it until today, so get dressed and let's go because my mother said I wouldn't have a wedding tomorrow if I didn't take you."

"Okay, let me just put some clothes on and fix my face." He agrees and I go to the bedroom.

I put on a simple black dress and sneakers, did a quick make-up just so I wouldn't look so bad and picked up my things.

I went downstairs and left my house accompanied by Arthur. As soon as we entered the house I could hear the laughter of my parents and his parents.

"Look who I brought!" he said, pulling me along.

"My God, you look beautiful." She says and hugs me. "How you've changed."

"Thank you, Mrs. Leclerc."

"It's just Pescale, darling." She smiles and runs her hand through my hair. "I missed you, it's been a while since you came to visit us, how is Milan?"

"I've missed you too and everything's fine, I've been promoted to head of the urban architecture sector."

"That's wonderful, I know how much you wanted that job."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why do you think?"

"That's great my love, I'm happy for you." My dad hugs me.

He always has a way of finding out about situations.

"Sorry I'm late, the plumber managed to get there early." he says as he walks in and stops as soon as he sees me there.

At that moment everything around me seemed to disappear except for him, it was the first time we'd seen each other in years, after all the best and worst moments of my life we were here.

Facing each other again.

"Hi darling, how are you?" My mom goes over to him and hugs him, and he takes his eyes off me.

"Hi Mrs. Y/l/n, I'm fine, how are you?”

"We're fine too." She smiles.

It had been years since I'd seen my mother smile like that, which made me roll my eyes.

"I thought you weren't coming." Lorenzo says, coming over.

"Actually, the problem was much smaller than it seemed and I managed to get the plumber to come early so everything was sorted. Where's Carla?”

"She's with her parents."

"Hi Y/n.”

"Charles."

"Greet him right Y/n."

"Don't push it, Mom."

"Well, shall we have dinner?" his mother says, changing the subject.

…

The only words we exchanged today were that greeting, then we distracted ourselves with other people on different subjects but always keeping a distance from each other.

"I think I'm going now," I said as I got up.

"Why don't you stay a little longer?" His mom asked.

"I really have to go; I haven't slept since I arrived early this morning, and I'm dead tired. I drove from Milan to here."

"Alright then, especially since tomorrow is the big day."

"We're leaving at 8 in the morning to go to the resort, okay?" Lorenzo said before I left.

"Well, in that case, I think it's best for all of us to go to sleep," Arthur got up from the couch.

"I'm going to stay around; I'm too tired to drive."

"Charles, your old room has your brother's things in it, so you can't sleep there."

"He can stay at our place." My mom said.

"Love, I..." my father tried to say it's a bad idea, but she obviously didn't care.

"Let's go, Charles, there's a spare room and no one will bother you there."

"That's great."

"Did you say something, Y/n?"

"I said 'that's great' in a very ironic way in case you didn't understand that as well."

I grabbed my phone and left there; I couldn't take my mother's jabs anymore or even look at him.

I took off my clothes and put on some pajamas, leaving the room to go to the bathroom and as I was about to open the door, Charles was coming out of it.

"Are you still going to use it?"

"Can you be less rude?"

"Are you going to use it or not?"

"No," he said and I went in.

I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and after going to the bathroom, I returned to the room, only to be faced with that jerk sitting on my bed.

"Excuse me, can you please leave?"

"We need to talk."

"We have nothing to talk about. You need to leave because I want to sleep."

"Please, love."

"Don't call me that. In fact, don't call me anything; forget that I exist."

"It's kind of hard to forget you." He looked me up and down with a malicious look, and I slapped him in the face. "What's your problem?"

"You're my problem, and you're a jerk, too." He laughed. "Look, we haven't seen each other in years, so pretend we never even met and leave me alone."

"I just want to apologize."

"And I don't want to hear it. Nothing you have to say changes what you told me years ago."

"I never meant to say those things."

"But you did, and the fact that you said them means that you considered them to be true, even if only for a moment." He fell silent. "You moved on with your life, and I moved on with mine. I don't want to go back to the past."

"I never wanted this to happen between us. You were the love of my life and I ruined everything out of selfishness. You would never have asked me to choose, and I had no right to do the same to you. I should have supported you as a decent boyfriend would, and all I did was say those horrible things to you." He spoke, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I remembered. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry, Charles, but your apologies doesn’t change anything. Your apologies don't change the fact that I feel disgust when I look at you. The anguish I feel in my chest when I see you is still the same, and that won't change."

"I understand, but I owed you an apology even if you don't accept it," I agreed. "Goodnight, Y/n."

He left and I locked the door. Those words were haunting my mind, and I swear if I weren't so tired, I would have stayed up all night thinking about it.

Tag list: @formulas-bitch @nuggetvirgo @lndonrris @cmleitora @janeholt3 @coffeewhore18 @blueflorals @agentadhd @eviethetheatrefreak @honethatty12 @lec-16 @ariamox @boherahpsody @ssararuffoni @leilani13gc @alldaysdreamer @minmira95 @dessxoxsworld @dessxoxsworld @vellicora @meadhbhcavanagh @viramila @lightdragonrayne @444elm0gizm0 @morenofilm @millinorrizz @leclercdream @buendiabebeta @ironmaiden1313 @julesandro @ssararuffoni @sialexia

[generalhumancloudalmond]

New face

Platonic!Yandere!Rosie x Teenager!Reader

'Shit! Shit! Shit!'

A bush, a road, a bench. Someone's head falls right in front of your feet and you barely hold on and keep running.

'Don't look back, don't look back... Damn it!'

A spear flies past you, grazing your side. Under the influence of adrenaline, you don't notice it and keep running in a direction you don't know. You have no idea where you are or what's going on. However, burning buildings, screams and blood make it clear to you that you should not stop in any case.

But eventually your legs start to fail you and the adrenaline wears off and you just fall down, trying to catch your breath. You see something that looks like angels, they flying into a huge hole in the sky, and you start crying. What the hell is going on?!

"Oh dear! Are you okay?"

Suddenly, a charming woman with frighteningly sharp teeth appeared in front of your face. You screamed and instantly jumped away from her, but the sudden pain in your side made you instantly shrink. The stranger noticed your eyes full of horror and confusion and understood everything.

"Calm down, calm down. You poor thing, appear in hell right during the extermination."

Her hands rested on your shaking shoulders as you tried to make sense of her words.

"And look at you! They hurt you! But don't worry, auntie Rosie will fix you up and feed you delicious goulash!"

You look at her with your eyes wide open when she starts to help you get off the ground.

"Come on, come on, sweetie. Bear a little more, it's not far to go."

"Am I in hell?..."

"Yes, honey, but let's not make you too nervous for now."

She hugged you encouragingly as you both approached her house. It was... surprisingly comfortably. Rosie also looked friendly, if a little intimidating.

"It looks like everything went well and it's just a scratch... There's nothing to worry about! Now, do you want to eat? I bet you do! Just give me a few minutes and I promise you that after our dinner, you won't even be able to think about food!"

Rosie, smiling from ear to ear, quickly went into the other room before you could answer her. You looked around carefully, and noticed a mirror. Coming closer, you were horrified, your reflection... You really aren't human... But why hell? Of course, you weren't a perfect person, but you also didn't consider yourself a bad person... Just why?

"What has already happened? Why the sad face?"

Rosie came into the room at the moment when you were looking at your new reflection. She also went to the mirror.

"I'm a demon and I'm really in hell."

"Oh, don't worry... It can be too much and quiet overwhelming. But I assure you, it will definitely pass over time. Besides..."

Suddenly she turned you around and grabbed your cheeks, cooing you.

"You're such a cutie pie, I could just eat you, because of your sweet, plump cheeks! "

Rosie smiled at you so broadly that you could easily count all her teeth. Suddenly she flinched.

"Oh, wait! The food is getting cold! Hurry up, hurry up, we can't let ourselves to eat cold food!"

She dragged you into the dining room, where there was already a plate of delicious-smelling food.

[thatfreshi]

Hi there! I saw the post about the requests! If you don't mind, Imma dump the three ideas I have here in one ask so I don't spam you. Apologies if there's not enough info in them or are too jumbled to understand! I'm not great at sending requests.

A Dragonborn tav who wishes to cuddle with Astarion/Rest their head against him, but can't due to horn/spike placement. Frustration on tav's end and, after some confusion, an emense amount of teasing on Astarion's. Maybe they find out some way to have resting on Astarion better.

Astarion helping out Tav after Tav had a medical surgery thing. They're just in pain for the first few days and Astarion just helps them out. (Mostly just want some personal comfort for my own recent surgery. I'm in pain.)

Dragonborn Tav doing some Dragonborn courting rituals to get Astarion's attention. Maybe even trying to research Eleven courting rituals to do so.

Went ahead and went with the second ask in this list. If you still want the others you can send them again! I prefer separate requests because it's easier for me to keep track of, but I appreciate that you have so many ideas for me :)

TW - broken bones

Recommended Song: Lovers Rock - TV Girl

Living a normal life comes with far too many responsibilities. Sure, killing goblins and avoiding shadows is stressful, but buying groceries? Doing dishes? It seems like there's something every single damn day, especially when you're renovating a house.

Now, Astarion loves priding himself on being a great bargainer, making a sweet deal out of any situation, and he figured a place with good bones like this would be a steal if he could cut the price a little. Was he wrong? Of course not, he has a habit of being right almost always, which can be frustrating. However, the two of you bit off far more than you could chew, especially when it came to the staircase that was practically falling apart. Mind you, neither you or Astarion are renovators, but both of you are far too stubborn for your own good.

"I'm sure we could get someone to fix it, right? Just needs some extra support."

You raise a brow at him.

"And spend more money? No way, we should just do it ourselves. I'm sure one of our friends has some extra wood lying around."

That's when you make the mistake of going up a couple steps to see just how bad the damage is. Apparently this place used to house a group of rowdy adventurers who couldn't help but destroy everything in their path. When you fall asleep on the floor every night, guess it doesn't really matter if you can't get up to any of the bedrooms. As you're analyzing the stairs, there's a crack beneath your feet, which you ignore.

"Darling, perhaps you should just take a look from down here?"

When you go to turn and tell him you'll be fine, your leg takes a plunge through the wood, subsequently fracturing several bones in your foot.

"Gods, damn it!"

You manage to cry out, trying to pull yourself out of the tattered floor. Astarion helps you, helping you get back down to the first floor, trying to make sure he doesn't face a similar fate.

"I guess a trip to Shadowheart's is in order."

You shake your head.

"Nope, her and Halsin are on that healer's retreat, remember? In Waterdeep?"

"Shit, I suppose you're right dove. When are they getting back?"

You sigh.

"Tonight, sadly."

It was currently far too early in the morning, as the two of you wanted to get a head start on your fixer-upper today.

"Alright, we'll just have to go see someone in town I suppose."

"Aster, we do not have the money for that right now. We've already budgeted everything for the house, I can't go see some uppity Baldurian doctor who's going to charge us far more gold than they're worth."

"Well, what do you suggest we do then?"

"Wait til Shadowheart and Halsin get back? I mean it's really all we can do."

"Gods Tav, we had so much planned today. Those tieflings are coming by to tile the kitchen at noon! And you know I am not good at being nice to strangers."

"Well my love, looks like you're going to have to learn, because I cannot walk on this thing."

You groan in pain, trying to flex your foot, feeling all the little spots your bones broke.

"To the bed we go then."

Astarion wraps you up in his arms, taking you to what in a couple of weeks is supposed to be the study. For now though, it's a makeshift bedroom. He gently lies you on the bed, getting a pillow for under your foot. Then, he thinks about how he truly does not like being broke, but the both of you didn't want to impose on any of your friends, staying at their place for any longer than you had to. Gale offered, but the thought of being all cramped up in his new tower was suffocating.

"Are you okay Aster?"

Your voice wakes him from his thoughts.

"Yes my dear, just thinking about our raggedy circumstances."

"It'll be nice when it's done, and when my foot's not broke."

The two of you chuckle.

"As much as I love living with you, I didn't think domestic life was quite this, complex."

He moves to lie down next to you, careful not to move your wounded foot.

"You still want this though, right?"

"Of course, a nice house to ourselves? A space just for us? I can't imagine a better investment. Just not quite used to all the contractors and market visits and drunken nights yet, all the normal things, the things I would've done so much sooner if..."

Astarion shakes his head, as if trying to get the thoughts out of his mind.

"Never mind all that, I should get you some tea."

Before you can tell him that it's alright, that you want to hear what he has to say, he's gone to the kitchen. Instead you just lay on the bed, thinking of just how lucky the two of you are. Two troubled souls set up for failure, and yet here you are. You laugh a little, thinking about how lucky you are with a shattered foot.

"Here we are my darling, a hot brew just for you."

He helps you sit up, making sure you keep your leg elevated.

"Easy my dove, don't want to break anything else do we?"

The hours pass by as the two of you wait for the tilers to come, talking about all the projects you were going to start today. It's nice, having a project, something to strive towards that isn't murdering someone or working through some major trauma. Just the two of you drinking tea in some old house, sitting on a bed that you'll have to break down and bring upstairs, and then put back together. While Astarion very easily could have left you to your devices and gotten started on all your little plans, he stayed by your side, talking about everything and nothing.

"This is just the beginning."

You say, suddenly breaking a natural silence.

"What is?"

"This. We get to start over. This is the beginning of us starting over."

He smiles at your whimsical view of things.

"I suppose you're right."

[onyxedskies]

god i joked about this with my mom earlier but i think i need to like. actually address it.

i don't think older generations understand just how fucked up gen z is. and not in a "gen z is an awful generation" or in a "heehee hoohoo all of gen z is mentally ill" way, in a genuine things are, across the board, wrong with gen z because of the things we are forced to see every moment of every day of our lives.

we are surrounded every day with every single crisis the world is facing. we are made to care about it, made to think we are bad people for not caring about and spreading news about every single crisis the world is facing. every moment of every day news about some crisis or another is staring us in the face, even in the places we turn to in an attempt to escape the realities of our lives.

older generations don't realize just how exhausting it is to deal with school, work, extracurriculars, and news 24/7. and yet they call us lazy when we find ourselves lying in bed doing nothing on the rare day we get off.

but genuinely, how do you expect us to react? how do you want us to feel when every other post is about the housing crisis, or the genocide of Natives in one country or another, or a revolution in france, or climate change, or another shitty ruling by POTUS, or new laws designed to silence us, or the war that is happening half a world away? how are we supposed to care about all of that when we have so little power to do anything to change it? most of us can't open a credit card, or vote, and some of us can't even drive yet. and yet at every turn, we're told that it's up to us to fix it.

most of us have resolved ourselves to the fact that we'll be paying for college until we drown at 50 years old due to lack of space above sea level.

so yeah idk be nice to teenagers we're going through a lot of unforseen struggles that older generations have no idea how to wrap their heads around

[cosmichighpriestess]

How to Fall in Love with Yourself and Attract your Soulmate.

We must give ourselves everything we need to be the best version of ourselves. A hard truth you must learn is that some people only want you when you are not loving yourself, some people only want you when you are toxic because that is what they are used to, they only want you when you are feeling not very confident, feeling insecure, low self esteem, needing external validation, when you beg for them and when you are not truly loving yourself. That makes it easy for them to disrespect you and use you. That makes more sense to them, than you being a healthy minded person with self respect and standards. If people want to deal with you then they have to understand you don't identify as the identity they assigned for you.

You must set high standards for yourself from the very beginning. "This is how I want to be treated and this is what I will accept." But my love, you must not disrespect yourself again even for that instant gratification. It's not worth it. Understandably, society has programmed you to feel shame about yourself in almost every aspect of yourself, never good enough, never whole as you are now ect. but it's a big lie, it's meant to take you off your higher path to keep you locked into the 3D matrix always searching outside of yourself for the love that's already within you. My love, when you catch yourself beating yourself up, stop become aware and say enough is enough. I love every flaw, every part of myself now as I am. I don't feel l need to fix myself. I need to love myself as I am now.

Never expect love from humans, who cannot even love themselves. Look to the higher dimensions for love if you truly need it when you cannot give it to yourself. Everything you need is within you. You just need the keys to unlock the doors to the house of your consciousness and your heart. You've been programmed to believe that you should just accept you'll never be good enough. Question everything forced down upon you. Why are they trying so hard to get you to do something when you are already whole, complete and perfect already? When you already have everything because everything you desire and need already exists. Your internal reality reflects your outside reality, just shift your perspective to already being that, to already having that desire. It can't change without you deciding. "I am simply deciding I am in love with myself. I am simply deciding I have 10,000 dollars ect." Everything else is a lie being sold to you to get you to question your worth and to get you to chase something outside of yourself.

False, illusion and you were also never taught in school, or in church, by society that if you want others to treat you a certain way, then you must first treat yourself the way that you want to be treated. That is the real reason why most relationships do not last. It's easy to say that these people hurt you are to blame and that they just need to become better people. But if we populate everyone in our reality, if we don't realize we have subconscious negative beliefs about men or women or relationships then we will never reprogram ourselves to attract healthy divine relationships with people who treat us with respect and love.

You've been mistreating yourself my love and seeing that lack of self love reflected back. There are hidden aspects of you that you rejected that are completely loveable, even spirit guides within you that you haven't met yet because you reject those parts of yourself. Unaware, unknowingly, unconsciously. We all have done it at some point. Unless your parents taught you self love from a young age and you never knew people walked around feeling unworthy and unwanted. The universe is a gigantic mirror, and it always reveals to you what’s going on inside of you, rather than what you want the world to think or see. For most of us we were taught that if you want love you have to give all of yourself and become a shell of yourself to receive a breadcrumb of love and acceptance. Lies. False. Illusion.

You are already whole, complete and perfect as you are now. Anything else you experience outside of you is just a bonus. Real love is equal give and take, it's an added bonus of the love that you already have for yourself. You will never need anyone to complete yourself. You can be happy forever single. It's true. If that's what you choose but you deserve people who love you. The golden rule is, treat yourself how you want to be treated. Be the love you want to receive. Be the partner you want to attract. Romance yourself. Hug yourself, kiss yourself, tell yourself everything you've longed to hear from another. Treat your body like you would a loved one, feed it, nurture it, water it, spend time with yourself alone. Gaze into your own eyes in the mirror and meet other versions of yourself in the mirror. Supplement and support yourself.

Tell yourself you will never settle for scraps again. This is your story, this is your life, and your book. You will respect yourself from now on and never settle for disrespect again. Disconnect from disrespect. See it neutrally, don't judge yourself for feeling upset. Then release and forgive yourself for creating the experience unknowingly. You were doing the best you could with the information you had. There's nothing wrong with you. It's not too late to flip the script and change the narrative. You know who you are. You know how they made you feel. They don't. They created a version of you they want you to be but you can be more creative and flip the script on them and be better than they could ever imagine.

But it's not about them. It's only about you, your self conception of yourself, how you view yourself, how you view others, how you view the world, how you define meaningless things, how you believe things will workout for you or don't ever workout for you, how you believe things about yourself and my love it's not selfish, it's wise to have self love and confidence. It's rebellious to love yourself in a world where we are programmed to hate ourselves. People must understand that you don't identify with the person they think that you are supposed to be. You are not the same person as you were yesterday.

Who you are at your core stays the same, but how you perceive yourself and the world changes everyday. You are a brand new person every single moment. You get to rewrite your story and write the story you prefer because you simply don't like the book that you were reading before. " Oh wait a minute I forgot. I'm in a library, let me put this book down and pick up the book of my heart." That is the story that you prefer, isn't it?

So, all you have to do is reprogram yourself to attract what you prefer. All of your beliefs are meaningless so you can erase them and delete them at any moment. You do that by embodying who you want to attract, and you do that by changing your subconscious beliefs and shifting your vibration to match the frequency of your desires. " I only attract healthy minded genuine people. I am in amazing relationships with people who inspire me. I meet people who are who they say they are. I only attract Divine partnerships. I am surrounded by a superior support system. I only attract healthy, loving, genuine men and women." Ect. Your internal world reflects your outer reality. Your internal world reflects your outer reality. Your internal world reflects your outer reality.

You can say these affirmations as much as you want, the more you say them and believe them, the more they generate energy and the more powerful they become. Everything you desire wants you more. You always get what you want. You are more than worthy of everything you desire. You are a God or Goddess or however you identify. Whatever you want others to think and say about you, please think those thoughts and say those things to yourselves. You are nothing short of pure magic. You deserve to be confident in every situation. Abundance is what you are, so that means you will always have more than enough of what you need.

Whatever it is that you want, you can have as much of it as you want. Tell the Universe what you want to see reflected back to you. Say, "Show me Universe how unconditionally loved I am. " Because remember, if it has conditions it's not real love. It's fake. You are good enough alone as you are. You don't need another person to complete you. But you definitely deserve a loving partner if that is what you so wish and desire to have. You have so much more to give others when you first feel whole and complete in yourself my love. I love you. I believe in you. You are loved beyond measure by the Universe.

[degreedummy]

Intercepted Placements

So, understanding the expressions of each of the axes and minor expressions of their affects on the houses, we have to look at each of these as the environment a planet is existing in. Rather than being lost, it's a child following a lost parent. Intercepted planets themselves find it difficult to find direction, almost to the same effect as a retrograde, in how we're unable to move forward until we step back and acknowledge and, if we can't fix, continue forward with a full understanding of our circumstances.

Of course, when looking at intercepted planets, we have to consider the house it's under, the sign it's ruled by, the aspects to it (+ the degree if you use degrees). These aren't going to be exactly true for everyone, because like I said before, there's infinite possibilities. Someone with an intercepted Gemini 11H Jupiter that may believe they can't make friends is going to have a different experience from a int. Gemini 9H Jupiter that might believe they'll never be as smart and proficient as they want to be.

 

INTERCEPTED SUN_ This is someone who finds it difficult to understand themselves, usually knowing exactly who they want to become, but having no idea where they are now. Being [told] can cause conflict, but sometimes it's that honesty that grounds us.

INTERCEPTED MOON_ This is someone who doesn't like to talk about or really even acknowledge the things they like, or how they find comfort. Their needs and their desires have always been secluded from each other, and in that, they learned to do the same.

INTERCEPTED VENUS_ This is someone who has difficulties with the entire concept of sharing themselves with other people, not understanding how to balance or develop partnerships because they tend to not ever have a specific goal with them.

INTERCEPTED MERCURY_ This is someone who's mind and mouth work at different paces, either not knowing what they want to say, or having to talk their way around a point until they find a road to it. They may feel too "different" to be included, but they just need your patience.

INTERCEPTED MARS_ This person is passionate where it seems to have no place and distant when it seems to matter the most, seeming to others that they only put their energy towards things that matter to them even if that's not true.

INTERCEPTED SATURN_ This is someone who has difficulty with accountability, not understanding the need to implement structure in areas of their lives that they think are operating perfectly fine without it. They're fine the way they are, even if they're not.

INTERCEPTED JUPITER_ This is someone who lacks a belief that they can succeed in the areas of live they're most focused on, accepting that their dreams are unobtainable even while still pushing themselves to the limit trying to reach them. Sometimes the approach matters.

INTERCEPTED NEPTUNE_ This is someone wanting to believe themselves so badly that they'll try to run through a wall before accepting that it is one. This is a need to be direct with ourselves, not consistently relying on the last possible way out to save us when we're wrong.

INTERCEPTED URANUS_ I think most importantly, this is someone who doesn't believe in the powers of manifestation, and that they will receive nothing special because they themselves aren't special. It's a destructive mindset that's constantly passed off as selflessness.

INTERCEPTED PLUTO_ This is someone who struggles with understanding their control in each situation, feeling they can't bring an end to things because they don't know what the [end] means. This is a placement with hesitation and every excuse in the book.

[fixyourwritinghabits]

can you give me some advice? i always know exactly what i want to write for a cold opening/inciting incident and exactly what i want to write for an ending, but everything in between i just have no good ideas and have rewritten no less than forty times. any advice for coming up with a beginning and middle? i’m dying.

You're at a great point, to be honest - having the ending figured out is half the battle right there. For the rest of it, there's two pathways to consider

The Big Turning Points in the External Plot:

The Beginning - This is your world before, where you establish the status quo. You'll also establish what needs changing (an evil empire, a toxic relationship, facing the first day of school). The important thing to think about here is whatever you want the ending to resolve or confront will have its establishing roots in the beginning. If the main character ends with leaving his abusive home and finding comfort in friends and therapy, then we need to firmly establish that home in the beginning.

The Inciting Event - While this is where things change, it's merely the jumpstart of the change. The important thing to know is there's no path back to before the inciting event happens (joined the rebellion, slapped the abusive ex, passed out in front of your fifth grade class). The only path for the main character to take is forward.

The Middle (or Mid-Climax) - Your character seemingly finds the solution to their problem, but it backfires/makes things worse/leads to a bigger problem (saving the princess means the Death Star is tracking you down, leaving the state means your ex will ruin your reputation, the rush to get with the cool kids deeply hurts your best friend). One of the better ways of thinking about this is your character has been circling around how to fix their problem with solutions that don't work, and after the middle will have to turn down the path of finding what will.

The Climax - The big end fight, etc. We resolve the external plot (we blow up the Death Star!) because we've faced an internal crisis and beat it (believed in ourselves/the force). Or... this is a tragedy and the reverse happens. Either way, potential is realized, grasped, or lost.

The Ending - I think when you said you had an ending you might be thinking of the climax, but what I mean by ending here is just Wrapping Things Up. It's the final shot of the movie, it's the last chapter in finding out where our characters end up. It's the epilogue or sequel bait. Basically, you'll give your readers one last emotional ping to send them off on.

Now, it's easy to put those cards together, but how do you actually use them? I want you to switch gears and think about your story from a character standpoint. You have where your characters ended up - now what did they need to do to get there?

The Big Turning Points of the Internal Plot:

The Need for Change - The beginning is where you'll introduce your characters, their wants and needs, and establish what they need to accomplish even if they don't know it yet. Luke Skywalker is restless on his farm while the galaxy goes very wrong around him. We know what's wrong and what will need changed, even if he doesn't yet.

The No Return - The inciting event will yank your main character into your main plotline. Whatever happens will force them forward no matter how much they want to go back. A traumatic event, a witnessed attack, something that they can't run from, even if they try. Mirabel witnesses the house starting to fall about in Encanto. Even when no one else sees it or believes her, she knows she can't pretend it didn't happen.

The False Victory/Defeat - The path to the middle is best described as "the wrong way" in my book. The main character tries to fix the problem, but because they won't confront their own flaws or fears, they bungle it. They seek out someone else to solve the problem, or invest in the easy way out, and it doesn't work (or creates a bigger problem). The false victory is when things should have worked, but didn't. The false defeat is when things go badly wrong - but the main characters double down to fix it regardless.

The Road to the Climax - If your characters have been trying to fix things the wrong way in the first half of the book, the second is about fixing things the right way. Confronting fears, facing painful realizations, breaking out of toxic relationship - this part of the book will give your characters the tools they need to face the climax.

Weave these two together and you'll be able to find your footing. Get stuck in an action point (external plot), think about how it's affecting your character points (internal plot). If you already have an ending, sometimes the easiest thing to do is to work backwards. Good luck!

[flower1622]

Fanfic - Chapter 32

Clarisse is wearing a wig and an outfit over her clothes. She climbs up the stage and tries to create an excited character while she sings.

(The songs are from Hannah Montana because I don't really how to write lyrics. I tried one time and didn't work out)

But the people recognized her and called her a liar and told her to take everything off and she did. Percy, Mary and the kids get worried for her.

- Okay, you got me guys! I know that I'm not a great person, but I only accepted to sing to help a friend of my mother. I'm sorry If I ruined the charity event. It wasn't my intention. If one day I hurt someone's feelings, I'm really sorry too. I know that I was never an easy person...but I'm trying to change. I disappointed my mother and everyone I cared about. I lost many people close to me. I don't have many friends. But, I don't let these things bring me down because I believe in myself. We can't give up even if our lifes are being hard. We are strong enough to say that we are survivors from ourselves and everyone else. Everyday a person dies. We never know what is gonna happen tomorrow. The only thing we are sure is that....one day we will die. So, it's better live today. Have fun, spend time with our family and friends. Make mistakes, regret them and try to fix them. We are not perfect. Believe in yourselves and say that you are strong. That you will win the obstacules because your journey is not over...and in your last words, you will be able to say that you at least fought - Clarisse says

Clarisse signals for the musicians to play a song and she starts singing while Percy smiles at her.

Clarisse finishes singing and everyone applauds her. She gets a little embarassed. Both Clarisse and Percy stare at each other smiling. 

Few moments later:

It was already at night. Clarisse, Percy, Samantha and Jack were seated in the truck's back. 

- So, uhh...you can sing pretty well! - Percy says a little shy

- Thanks! - Clarisse says. The kids were looking around and Percy asks.

- So, uhh...do you know where we are going now? Because If I remember...your house is that way - Percy says and points to her house's direction.

- Probably to the karaoke bar... - Clarisse says and puts her arm around her big Teddy Bear.

- Karaoke bar? - Percy asks

- It's a bar my mother likes to visit. There, people are invited to sing and if they don't...well...water is trown at them... - Clarisse says and smiles

- Really? - Percy asks and smiles

- Yeah... - Clarisse says. She and Percy laugh.

[lostinfantasyworlds]

Life Update

Heyyyy it’s been a while! I never really expect anyone to notice when I fuck off for long periods of time, but in case you did and happened to be wondering why I was mostly MIA for most of 2023, here's what I've been up to.

The short version: My husband and I sold our first house over the summer and bought our “forever” home! It worked out so much better than I could have hoped, but it turns out that prepping a house to sell and moving = lots of stress and chaos...which caused me to tumble off the deep end mentally for a while afterwards and I’m only just starting to recover.

---

Before I elaborate, I feel like I have to give a disclaimer because the last thing I want is to come across like I'm complaining or ungrateful. I'm very aware of how lucky and privileged I am to be a homeowner, so I am by no means asking for sympathy or trying to act like "buying/selling a house is so stressful, woe is me!" I understand that homeownership is a pipe dream for a lot of people, especially in the current economy, and I don't take that for granted. I'm genuinely grateful that I even have the opportunity to be stressed about something like this, but I can't deny that it was stressful.

If anyone is wondering how I managed to buy a house at all, I'm happy to answer that in a separate post. The abridged version is extremely lucky timing plus countless hours of hard work put into fixing up our first house that we bought for cheap back when the market was way more balanced (2016).

When I talk about the stress of last year, it's almost entirely in regards to my own mental health which is something I've always struggled with. I get overwhelmed VERY easily by regular life, let alone when I go through a major change (no matter how positive it is). Every big transition period in my life has triggered intense anxiety disorders and/or depression for me, so that's the main reason why things felt so difficult.

If you happen to be thinking something along the lines of "shut the fuck up, no one cares you were stressed, you're so privileged to even be able to own a house," ...believe me, I've already said to myself a million times. That is part of why I end up so depressed in the first place, because I feel like I “don’t have the right” when my life is so wonderful. But thanks to therapy I understand more about my mental illnesses and I'm trying to be less hard on myself now.

Still, I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea 😅.

---

Anyways! If you want to know more about our house/see some pics, the long version with all of my rambling is below the cut!

The long version:

My husband and I bought our first house in 2016, right after getting married. It was conveniently located right across the street from where we had been living with 4 of our friends (which is how we were able to save enough money to buy a house), but it was in such bad condition that it didn't even meet the FHA minimum property standards so we had to use a special type of mortgage to purchase it. We always meant for it to a long-term flip, planning to live there while renovating it so that we could sell it after a few years and use the profit to buy a house that would be more permanent.

We put so much literal blood sweat and tears into that house. In the beginning we spent every single hour of our spare time fixing up the house. We do all renovation work ourselves because my dad and husband have experience with demolition, electrical, and plumbing. And anything we don't know how to do we just figure out as we go along. The only time we hired a contractor was to replace the roof that had extensive water damage.

(This is the water damage discovered down the whole back of the house a few weeks after we bought it 🙃)

(One before-and-after out of many to avoid making this post absurdly long. The contractors finished the ceiling when they did the roof but otherwise we did all the work on that bathroom ourselves, including moving the shower wall back 6 inches so that the shower door wasn't mounted to the window trim 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Over a few years we worked on remodeling each room until we eventually we got super burnt out, and then the pandemic happened and we both fell into a deep depression. Finally, in 2022 I got myself a therapist and started clawing myself out of the dark place I was in, and at the start of April 2023 we started prepping the house to sell. I had been watching the market steadily increase to absolutely insane levels and knew it was kind of a “now or never” situation, even though I still felt very fragile mentally so I was worried how I would handle such a large undertaking.

I never could have imagined just how amazing it would turn out. We truly couldn't be happier with our new home, it’s pretty much everything we were hoping for and I still can’t believe how lucky we are to have gotten it. I was prepared to have a hard time finding an affordable house. I had heard of all kinds of horror stories and the crazy competition going on in the market was intimidating. I thought we were gearing up for the long haul, and prepared myself for a lot of disappointment. Our house was the first house we put an offer on (the third one we looked at in person) and we somehow got it! It’s insane, I'm so fucking grateful.

The only catch is that it's a lot more of a fixer upper than we had originally planned on buying. I didn’t think that we would ever buy another house that required as much renovation as our first one did, because that shit was intense and we are now in our 30s and very tired 😂. But our new house has so many features that were on our “would-love-to-have-but-probably-won't-find-in-this-economy” list like laundry upstairs and an attached garage (also a pond??!?! We have a fucking pond and I love it so so much🥹). So we knew we could turn it into a home we’d love spending our lives in if we put in the work. Plus it was actually well below our budget (probably because of the condition it was in).

We decided to offer what we were willing to pay, which was well above asking but we still didn't think we'd have a chance because the market is so competitive. I don’t know if our real estate agent just worked some magic (she was amazing), but we were genuinely stunned when she told us we got the house.

(Our beautiful pond🥹 🥰)

After that, things moved SO fast. The timing made it overlap with the prepping/listing of our first home, which was really stressful to juggle all at once on top of our full time jobs. I thought selling was going to be the easy part since the market is so skewed towards sellers right now. And it did go amazingly well once we listed (64 showings and 12 offers in one weekend, fucking nuts?!?!!), but the months leading up to listing the house were CRAZY. I knew it would be a lot of work to prep the house since we had a bunch of unfinished projects, 4 open permits with the town that we needed to get closed, and had accumulated so much shit over the years, but I definitely underestimated how intense it would be, especially with the overlap of buying our new house. I had used up all of my PTO for the year by June in order to deal with house things and felt like I was constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown. I pushed myself way past my limits and knew I would pay for it eventually.

But we made it through the chaos and officially moved in July. Let me just say that I hope I never have to move again😵‍💫. It was 90+ degrees (F), 95% + humidity that weekend, and then POURING rain on the day of the move🙃. But other than that, everything went pretty smoothly! After a couple weeks of getting settled and sleeping in the living room, we started on the renovations in early August.

(Before and after of our living room that we are using as a hobby room for D&D, music, art, etc I love it so much!)

(Before and after of the downstairs bedroom which we use as our office)

We remodeled two whole rooms in about 6 weeks, which was wayy too much. We had been going nonstop since April and by the time we got to October, I hit a wall. Because my mental health was incredibly fragile to begin with, surprise surprise I ended up stuck in another bout of horrific burnout-fueled depression for a solid 2+ months after we finally paused to take a break. I've struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager, having periods of depression, panic disorder, and GAD on and off. Also over the past year, I’ve started to suspect that I may have undiagnosed ADHD so there's a lot going on with my brain. I've always been a very sensitive person, and my mental health is the first thing to suffer if I don't take care of myself.

I started feeling a bit better in December, but then things got crazy again with work and the holidays, so I ended up back in burnout land yet again. Now I think I'm finally starting to truly recover as I enter the slow season at work. We are easing back into renovations but I've been trying to take it as easy on myself as possible to avoid falling back into that dark place, which is why you haven't seen much of me on tumblr. It bums me out, and I often feel frustrated with my own limitations when I see everyone posting and chatting and creating and I want so badly to join in, but I sadly just haven't had it in me for a long time. But I'm still lurking and forever obsessed with InuKag and hope to be recovered enough to participate in fandom stuff more soon!

I've still been writing and drawing here and there whenever I get a bit of inspiration. I actually just finished an Inuyasha redraw that I'll be posting soon! I've also been writing a lot more recently, or at least thinking a lot about my WIPs😂. The main one I've been working on is If It Kills Me, which I am dying to share with you all. But it's a mystery/thriller/actiony type of story with plot points that still need to be figured out, so once those pieces fall into place I will hopefully be able to wrap it up. I'm going to be working on it a lot in February, so we'll see what happens.

I would love to share my other main WIP The First and Last this summer (since it's a summer-based story), but we'll see how things go. The next major renovation project is the kitchen 😵‍💫, so fandom things might have to sadly take a backseat again during that. But I'll still be lurking here and missing you all! ❤️

[periwinckles]

LETTERS FROM NEW PANEM

PART 2

No hunting today. 

You see, I allways hunt a little extra on the days leading up to the reaping. The idea came to me three years ago, when I was standing in the middle of the square, waiting for Effie Trinket to call the female's tribute name, and the only thing I could think of was "if she calls my name, Mom and Prim will have no food tomorrow." So from that year forward I would always prepare. You know, just in case it was my name she called. 

Turned out to be a good thing, because we spent the past three days locked inside our tiny house, just waiting for news from this so-called rebellion. At least we had food.

Besides me, Prim stirs and Mom is breathing soundly. I don't remember the last time the three of us shared a bed. But after getting our armbands last night, the ones that announce to yourself and everyone else your original fate, we could do nothing more than climb into our mother's bed and cry ourselves to sleep. Mostly me and Mom crying. Prim, ever the logical one claims it's useless to cry. After all, she's not really dead. She was supposed to die, but not anymore, "so there's no need for tears Katniss". 

We are supposed to wear our armbands on display at all times, from this day forward. Black if you originally died during the war. White if you survived, but left District 12 for good. Red if you survived and were one of the 183 rebuilders of the bombed District. 

Three people in this house, three different coloured armbands. 

But Prim is right. We should be thankful. 

I still can't believe it. We are free. It is such a foreign concept that I have no idea what to expect from this day. Am I allowed to hunt now? I really don't know, but our loaded ice-box and the confort feeling I get from my family's proximity are enough to deter me from hunting today. 

"Are you worried about getting married?" 

I turn my face to the side and find Prim watching me, her words barely a whisper, as to not wake my mother up. 

"What? Prim, that is the last thing on my mind right now! Why would I be getting married?" 

She shrugs a little bit "You heard the mayor last night. Red armbands can't leave the District…

"Wasn't planning to!"

… and they have to marry the same person they married after the rebellion." 

"Wasn't planning to, either!" 

 

Mom stirs, and we both pull the cover over our heads, as if that would block the sound of our voices, when it barely blocks the heat from spreading out. 

"But there were only 183 citizens left! And some of them were probably still kids. You most likely married someone to help repopulate…"

"Are you even listening to what you are saying?" My voice is loud and I know it is highly unlikely my mom is still  sleeping through this conversation.

"Prim, marriage is the lesser of my life ambitions. Even if I did survive, and I was a District rebuilder I was still me, and I probably lived as an old spinster in a cabin in the middle of the woods until I died of old age. Trust me, there is no danger at all that I'm being called to marry someone at the end of this month."

I start to rise from bed, ignoring her downcast look. I know where this is coming from. The reason why Prim didn't loom for long on her black armband is because she saw in mine a beacon of hope, that even after these horrible events there would still be an Everdeen on District 12, and that I would go on to live a happy fulfilled life. And to 12 year old Prim, a fulfilled life would be marriage and kids. 

"I'm going out."  I say without looking in her direction 

"I thought you weren't hunting today, sweatie." 

Ha, so my mom is finally dropping the pretense of being asleep.

"Not hunting, just need some fresh air."

—--

It is still early morning but I am by no means the first person out and about. I guess being locked down for three days was enough to make people anxious to go out again. As I take my morning walk, among the Seam houses I find it hard not to fix on everyone's armband. 

Black. Black. Black. Black. White. Black. Black. Black. Black. 

I'm reaching the last row of houses, just before the meadow, when I spot a little boy, 6 or 7 years old, playing with a single chipped marble, the first red armband I saw, besides my own. 

"Hey Miss, you're red too!" 

"That I am." I answer him, even though my voice carries a small fraction of the enthusiasm his does.

"My whole family is red! Me, my baby sister, my maw and my paw." 

"Good for you!" And I keep going even though I know he wants me to stay and chat. I am probably the first Red he saw as well, outside of his family. 

4 reds.

With me, it makes 5. 

Only 178 to go. 

From the corner of my eye I spot Gale coming from the fence. I guess he went hunting by himself today. As we walk towards each other it is inevitable. We search not each other's eyes, but each other's armbands. 

Red on my arm.

White on his. 

I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding. Losing Prim (even if only theoretically) was hard enough. At least Gale's safe. 

"So, red huh? I knew you would be one of them." He tells me with a sad smile and a touch of resignation. 

"You know I would never leave these woods." And I wouldn't. All the memories from my father are here. These are our woods, and even if the District burned down (which, matter of fact, apparently it did), I could never leave this place. Not to go after my mom, to wherever she went. Certainly not to go with Gale. I guess deep down he always knew that, but seeing the different colors on our arma, settling different choices for both of us makes it real. 

"Well, I need to get this to my mom." He says pointing to his game bag. 

"What about your family? Are they…?"

"All reds. I'm the only white." 

"Good. That 's good." I smile a little bit and with a small nod am on my way. He doesn't ask about my family's colors, and I feel no impulse to tell him, Prim's black armband still heavy on my heart. 

4 more reds. That's a total of 9. 174 to go. 

I don't even know why I am keeping track of them. It's not like I really care. Not when Prim will be wearing a black armband. But simple math keeps my mind focused. I spot two more families of reds, … 18, 19.

Black, black, black, white white, black black. Black. Two more reds. 20, 21. 

I turn a little bit to the right and am right at the edge of the town. If white and red were scarce in the Seam, here they appear to be non-existent. Black, black, black, black everywhere. 

Two reds in the cobblers shop, and I feel myself smiling for the first time, today. Delly Cartwright and her brother are putting up a sign on their parent's shop and I watch them from a distance. 22 and 23. 

Suddenly, while watching Delly, I remember Madge. I wonder if she is red too, and next thing I know I am walking to her house. 

Because even though I told Prim I would be ok living by myself in the Woods, the thought of losing every important person of my life, either to a war or to a different District is weighing me down. 

 This is ridiculous. This didn't really happen in this timeline. Prim didn't die. Mom and Gale are not leaving. Still, thinking about another Katniss with no family and no friends is quite depressing. 

"Oh Katniss!" 

Madge is suddenly hugging me, while I barely register that I reached her house. We're not quite the hugging type. Well apparently she is. She lets go of me and I spot the black fabric on her arm, and that's enough to tip me over the edge and I am once more crying, and hugging her. Apparently I'm the hugging type too. 

"Ok, enough of that. I'm the one that died and I am not crying." Madge holds my hand and pulls me inside her kitchen. We sit at her kitchen's table and she pours a cup of tea for each of us. 

"You're just like Prim "

Her eyes fill with sorrow "I am so sorry about Prim, Katniss." 

I bring the hot tea to my lips, but put it down immediately 

"How do you know Prim's black?"

She gives me an apologetic look

"My dad has a list with all the 183 names. I saw yours there, and that hers wasn't. And I know you would never willingly live far from her, so I just assumed."

We stay silent for a whole, drinking our tea, when she stands abruptly

"They'll be handing new letters to all the reds tomorrow! At school, for those of you that go to school, and at the mines for those that work there!" 

" And?"

She's giving me the same exasperated look Prim gave me this morning. 

"And? Aren't you curious? I know I am! I mean, you survived, so now I am going to vicariously live through you! We could sneak into my dad's office…" 

I give her a scowl, but she won't budge.

"What if the letter carries the name of your husband? Don't you wanna know?" 

What is it with everyone wanting to marry me off? 

"I'm not getting married."  

I'm not. Really. Even if I were, Gale would probably be the logical choice, but that ship has sailed. So luckily that makes me completely safe on that account.

"But don't you wanna be sure? I mean, at least you won't be caught off guard tomorrow, in front of everyone." 

She does have a point. But I'm not getting married, so it's not really an issue. 

Ah, damn it. 

"Ok, but let's make it quick." 

I don't need to give my consent twice because next thing I know I am monitoring the halls and corridors, while she taps away at her dad's computer. 

"Bad luck. Tomorrow's letter will only contain info on everyone's occupation. And we all know you'll be the District huntress. Or butcher. I'm gonna check anyway, maybe you'll be the new butcher."

I peer at  the corridors once more, but turn around when I hear Madge curse. 

"What is it?"

She's looking flabbergasted and out of words. 

"I don't know, it makes no sense. I guess you're the baker's wife?"

A shiver goes through my spine

"I marry Peeta Mellark???"

I run to her side because that can't be true. I never get the chance to double check it though. 

"Madge, what are you doing? That is confidential!" 

Mayor Undersee is at the Door, the one I was supposed to be watching, and Madge is in deep trouble. 

And so am I. Apparently I'm marrying Peeta.

[system-of-a-feather]

Man, super productive conflict-ish boundary discussion with my fiance today over some communication issues and each of our needs because for better or worse, the amount of which I do default survival mechanisms from growing up kinda got built up to the point it just tipped over and reminded me that - at large - our largest Childhood Trauma PTSD does NOT look like PTSD should. Our tween/teenage trauma looks like PTSD and just cause we aren't having that, doesn't mean we aren't dealing with trauma side effects regularly.

Cause honestly, I forget just how much we default to sitting behind a computer screen as a means of enduring and biting the bullet on anything unpleasant and how much that taxes us and leaves us feeling incredibly empty while preventing us from properly being aware of AND advocating for our needs. I do a lot of my genuine hobbies that make me happy on my computer, but I also burn time sitting and trying to manufacture engagement when I have a need but don't want to / feel right / feel safe advocating for it in any level (because asking for things is a vulnerability that I can't have because vulnerability is triggering).

I forget that in highschool, the best way to avoid being targetted was to be good and quiet and out of the picture; the best way to avoid taking psychological damage from things flying in the house was to just disappear behind a computer screen; the best way to endure until I could flee to college was to loose time being online until I could leave. I forget that the best way to ignore, numb, and not address anything that I didn't feel I had the resources (which modernly is often not an accurate depiction of if I ACTUALLY have the resources or not) to fix was to just sit online and manufacture a distraction cause the internet is good for that.

I forget that I've been largely doing that for a year a lot more than I probably should because of all the garbage and inconvenience in our life currently. I forget how defensively independent we are as a >trauma response<. I forget how habitually we make ourselves disappear at our own expense when someone is struggling before even really even noticing it ourselves that its what we are doing.

I forget that we have desk positioned as a wall because it lets us watch and otherwise psychologically be walled from everyone for both us and their disinterest and literally can't use a computer if its in any other way.

I forget we have PTSD that makes us productive, because productivity is a means of numbing and hiding our own needs from ourselves.

I forget the reason we have so many plans is because our plans let us mentally live in the future when our needs are met and because we are dissociative, the idea of the future is an internal concept that is a lot more real, concrete, and actively rewarding than not.

I forget that we've been doing a passive trauma response so aggressively and it was honestly a relief to be reminded of it and also to let our fiance remember that our trauma responses typically do not look like trauma responses.

Our trauma responses, ironically, look like signs of functioning and flourishing, because it makes it easier to overlook us which kept us safe.

We're good now, kinda in the post Big Trauma Episode Cooldown Hangover, but were good now and it was a much needed much appreciated reminder for both me and my fiance regarding our needs and our mental health cause god is it egosyntonic 98% of the time.

[smol-grey-tea]

Title Change: Worth and Warmth -> Secret Ending Three

Secret Ending Three - Chapter 3: Pamper

Guys. I think I have a thing for this trope.

The trust. The vulnerability. The domesticity. The platonic, non-sexual nudity.

Why I love this trope so much, I DO not know.

It's still cold, even in the house. The whole place is full of the remainders of gift wrappings and ripped packaging. It's a huge mess, but it's fun to leave everything out and pretend Christmas never ended.

The world we've found ourselves in itself has traces of every single version of events. I'm glad every Christmas we had was a good one.

Today was hectic. I'm beginning to understand why it's called Boxing Day, what with how it feels like you've been thrown in the ring. We all stayed at the department store all day preparing for our future with the seven of us, buying clothes and groceries. Dinner was rushed but comforting and warm in this storm of emotions. I think we're all just about ready to head to bed immediately.

I can't help but yawn as I sit down to write in my diary again. It feels like only now I can finally take a breather and I just stare at the past pages, pen in hand.

The words are smudged. Not because of being tampered with, but because each past diary entry had been written all on top of each other in a way that's beyond comprehension. I think I should invest in better quality pens anyway though.

He opens my door without knocking and just stands in the doorway, looking at me. I can already see the beginnings of faint dark circles forming under his eye.

"Ready for bed? You look tired."

"I do..? If you say so," he said, perching on the corner of the bed. After getting home, one of the topics brought up at dinner were our sleeping arrangements. We decided on going with the same arrangements we'd had at the beginning, while he can sleep with me in my bed.

"I've never slept before."

"Really?" I turned around and put my pen down at his comment. "I thought you'd been human for a while already."

"Yeah, but the Abandoned Toys Room isn't like the normal world. We all appear human there, but time flows differently and we don't need to eat or sleep."

"This must all be so new for you then."

"Tell me about it."

I followed his eyes as he looked down and fidgeted with his left sleeve. I didn't notice until now how his fingernails had such dirt underneath them and were incredibly jagged and cracked.

I took this moment to study the rest of his body as well. He was wearing the clothes I originally found him in: his ripped white shirt with the dark purple trousers and accessories. His hair was dry and tangled in places and his bare feet were near black with dirt. How could I have left him in such a state for so long?

"Are you really okay like this??"

"Like what?"

"Like...like this! I can't believe I was so reckless with you when I was little. You don't even have both eyes anymore, you're so dirty!"

"Well, it's not really fun, no. But I've lived like this for a long time now, I'm used to it."

"No, this isn't right. No matter how much you're used to it."

"Hm?"

I leapt up from my seat and took his hands in mine, determined.

"I'm no longer the kind of person who will leave you to rot. I promise you, for real this time, I'm gonna fix my mistakes. Let's start with fixing you."

"Just what do you mean by that??"

"I'm saying, why don't I give you a pamper day? You probably don't know how to care for yourself, right? Since you're so new to being human?"

"Oh..."

"So I'll take care of you! Does that sound good?"

"I hated being thrown in the washing machine..."

"No, don't worry. Human hygiene is nothing like that! It's actually kind of relaxing, I promise."

"Ah, I see..."

"So what do you think? Shall I help you get clean and ready for bed?"

"Well... Alright. Maybe it'll be good to get a good dusting for once."

"Yay! Let's go! I promise I'll do my best to help!"

"First of all, let's brush your teeth." She says this with her back turned to me, as she's leaned over the bath, running the water. The sound of the rushing tap is loud and the smell of the bubble bath concoction she's generously pouring in has already filled the room.

I find a spare toothbrush in the cabinet next to the sink and make my attempt at squeezing the paste onto the bristles. Despite the limited dexterity in my left arm, I manage to empty a sufficient enough amount. It should be the size of a pea, right?

"Woah, you did well with the toothpaste. You could've let me do it for you, you know?"

"It's easy enough. But how am I supposed to use this in my mouth?"

"It's alright, it's easier than it looks. You have to open your mouth and brush each tooth, not too rough."

Cautiously, I sniffed the wooden stick before biting into it gently. The paste's minty flavour was strong, and I wrinkled my nose at it initially, but soon warmed up to its biting cold. I enjoyed placidly chewing on it a lot more than I thought I would.

"I don't know if that's how you're supposed to do it, but if you're happy like that, it's fine. It is your first time after all... How about you try smiling and I can brush the front teeth for you to show you how I do it?"

"Hmm..." I furrowed my brows at her before remembering her promise not to treat me like she used to, then gave a hesitant nod.

"Okay. Here." She held her hand out to me and I placed the brush in her palm. "Now say cheese!" she beamed. I bared my teeth in response, not as a simple following of instructions, but as a reflection of her own contagious smile.

The way she held the brush looked like an inconvenience to her, what with the awkward angle she'd have to approach brushing someone else's teeth from. However, although it felt as if she too were new to this activity from her shakiness, the sensation wasn't invasive too much, and it was more of a pain to stand so still than to feel the back-and-forth of the brush.

I forgot all about the unpleasantness of the paste's vibrancy when watching her face as she worked. Her lips pressed together in a tight line. Her brow creased, as mine did before, now in concentration. Her yellow eyes were trained on me, and I silently counted the number of times she blinked, noting the immensity of her pupils and the intricacies of her irises.

"That's basically how it's done. Do you think you can take it from there? Just try and do what I did but along the tops and bottoms of your teeth too, and where I couldn't reach. Oh, and you can spit out the paste if it gets annoying."

I silently asked for the toothbrush back, holding out my own hand. After spitting some of the annoyance into the sink, I stuck the brush back in, ready to make a better attempt. As she said, it wasn't nearly as difficult as it seemed, just a bit tedious. Although, her demonstration made it much easier to understand. Soon, I felt much more refreshed and clean, and washed the rest of the mixture out, satisfied.

"How did you find that?"

"Not bad. A bit gross."

"Then that sounds good enough. Are you ready for the bath? The water seems like a good temperature now."

"Hmmm. Why not?" Can't be half as bad as last time, right?

I dipped a finger in the water, crouched down on the floor after removing all my clothes. It felt strange to be without them. Sitting in a tub of warm water might feel stranger though. Gingerly, I stepped in and acclimated to the steaming heat. It felt nice to sit, surrounded by mounds of bubbles.

"Are you in yet?"

"I'm up to my ears in bubbles, you can look now."

"Okay... Oh my god." Her face lit up in surprise as she laid eyes on me. "You look so cute like that! Like you're hiding in the bubbles! So cute!"

"Heh... It does feel nice."

"Right? And check this out too!" She produced from the cabinet a small pink ball. "It's a bath bomb. I haven't used one of these in a while, since I tend to shower more than bathe, but I thought it might be fun for you to use!"

"What does it do?"

"Umm, it's easier to show than explain. It kinda just fizzes and makes really pretty colours in the water. I've also got a couple rubber duckies to help you relax too." I do like ducks.

The bath bomb fizzled almost immediately as it landed in the water. It sank straight to the bottom and I watched the pink fizz reach the surface enthusiastically, before it began to spread across the expanse of the bath.

The fizz mingled with the bubbles, tinging them pink and the rubber duck bobbed along, looking startled.

"Alright! Then if you're comfortable in there, shall we begin?" she asked, rolling her sleeves back for the tenth time. I nodded in response, more occupied by swishing the water around me and popping bubbles.

"Okay then! First of all, let's make sure you're all properly wet. I'm gonna fill this jug with water and pour it over your hair, okay? I'll use my other hand to shield your face though. Ready?"

"Ready."

"Okay. Remember to hold your breath."

I squeezed the rubber duck while I held my breath as the warm water hugged my hair and trickled down my face. It felt strange and I couldn't help but giggle at the sensation, which then accidentally allowed some of the water into my mouth. That part didn't taste or feel good.

She lightly dabbed my face with a towel in apology before picking up a bottle of something. When she opened the lid, it smelled floral.

"Next, let's do the shampoo." She squirted some of the floral stuff into her hand with a squelch and began to massage it into my scalp. Her hands were small and soft, working up a lather with care.

When she said she was going to pamper me, I hadn't expected for it to really feel like it. She rinsed out the shampoo after ensuring that my hair was thoroughly frothy, then did the same with the conditioner. She also kneaded some body wash into my skin in slow and soft circular motions.

While playing with the mountainous bubbles, I piled a fistful on top of my hair like a wig, when I noticed that I couldn't find a single knot or tangle. It felt refreshing to be able to card my fingers through my hair without issue, as soft and light and breathable as stuffing. My hands too were free of dust or grime, now along with my feet, wriggling at the other end of the bath with Sir Ducky. Perhaps this human hygiene thing looked not to be such a bad idea afterall.

"Okay, we're all done. Are you ready to get out now?"

"Aww, do I have to?"

"Oh, are you enjoying it then? I'm glad! But the water's dirty now, so it would be best to get out. Don't worry though, we can definitely do this again another time!"

"Aww... Okay then."

Fascinated, I watched the water all swirl into a mini whirlpool down the drain, leaving only a residue of pink bubbles and a lonely rubber duck. Meanwhile, I was cloaked in a fluffy purple bathrobe and she rubbed my hair through thoroughly with a separate towel.

Back in the bedroom, I sat on her desk chair while she sat on the corner of the bed as she brushed and blow dried my hair. The sound of the hairdryer was powerful but the heat was alright. I could already feel how quickly I was becoming dry.

"Hmm, let's see... Next, how about we take care of those nails?"

"My nails?"

"Yeah, they're a bit too long, aren't they? If they get too long, you might end up scratching yourself or they might break on their own."

"Oh..." Running my fingers over the sharpness of my nails didn't exactly feel good, in truth.

"It's okay though, all we have to do is file them down. They will grow back, so we don't have to worry."

"Oh, okay." Human bodies sure are strange.

She leaned over towards me, holding a sandpaper stick over a bin, with my hand gently cradled in hers again. Awkwardly but kindly, the stick made back and forth motions on each nail, slowly sanding each down to a smooth, round shape. It was slightly painful and filled the place with dust, but I enjoyed how my human fingers now resembled my old paws with their softer edges.

"How's that? I tried to get it as neat as I could."

"It's per..." I tried to speak but was interrupted by my own yawn. "... Perfect."

"Are you getting sleepier? That's cute. Why don't you get changed into your new pyjamas then and let's get into bed?"

She wiped off the dust from my fingers before I got changed into my starry pyjamas. They were a bit bigger than I expected but I do prefer long sleeves anyway, so I don't mind it that much.

"Oh, one more thing." I'd gotten under the covers and I was about to lay down when she stopped me. "Give me your hands again."

I hesitated for not even a second before obeying, and she happily massaged into my hands another cream that she meticulously rubbed into the skin of each finger, along each knuckle and into my palms. I took my hands back when she was satisfied and lifted them up to my nose. It smelled like watermelon.

Once she'd also gotten changed, we huddled together under the covers, entangled in each other's limbs.

"Oh, but-" I winced.

"What's up? Is it too close?"

"No, it's not that. It's just...my arm."

"Oh! Sorry! Let's swap sides."

I wriggled my bad arm out from underneath her and she crawled over me to the opposite side of the bed. We resumed our position again, without as much pins and needles, now comfortable.

"How do you feel now?"

"Happy." I couldn't help but beam. I hope I can properly convey how I feel. I'm not used to expressing happy emotions.

"Hehe, I did mean about the bath and everything, but it does make me happy to hear that."

"Oh, I feel very soft, yes. That too."

"Okay, that's good. And it didn't feel too difficult for you to do yourself next time, right? I'll still help you if you're getting used to it, but how do you feel about doing it yourself?"

"Hmm, I think it should be okay. It might be difficult, but I think I can do it. Do humans have to do this every day?"

"Not everyday. Well, I think Yuri does. But people usually shower more often than bathe since it's quicker. It's just easier to bathe you while you're sitting in a bath though. Eventually, I'll teach you to use the shower too, if you'd like."

"I'd like that..."

"Me too."

I burrowed deeper under the duvet and buried my head into the crook of her neck. In response, she rested her hand upon my head, gently playing with my soft hair.

I've missed this. So much.

I sighed happily, "Goodnight, owner."

I felt her smile above me. "Goodnight."

Didn't realise til now how much I loved the trope of someone who takes care of someone, who then repays them by taking care of them. ^^^^^^ Nameless watched over her when she was a child. But while she grew up, he stayed the same, and now is a child compared to her. Now she looks after himmmmmm 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[gender-collecting-forest-goblins]

I never realised how hard it is to exist with plurality when our trauma isn't really defined as trauma.

TW:Death, mental health issues, physical issues, self harm, body dysphoria, suicide/suicidality, medical trauma.

So like, nan died when we were five, I don't have many childhood memories, but seb was the first to "exist" other than me. Then there's the bullying and masking of autism, ADHD, and the trauma of having a post alcoholic parent trying to be a parent again. All with the struggle of things a kid shouldn't have to deal with that mom didn't know how to keep away from us, such as money stuff and food issues. We lose marmalade, a beloved family cat. Then we lose Monty her daughter not long after. The memory of her being cradled in my brothers arms as she has a seizure from the stroke and falling down the stairs, forever imprinted on my mind. Skip to a few years later, it's gotten to the point where we don't know how many we are, because our mental health has already reached the point of passive suicidality and everything that goes with it. Age eleven, deciding whether or not to jump into traffic before school. We form a protector with no name, a shadow figure. He later becomes void. The trauma of not knowing if I'm autistic was way more present around that time. It got way worse and then of course, we didn't know that autism was something to consider, we just thought we were broken. Never mind the trans trauma of being plural and a traumatized child with trust issues, seeing people that aren't there and being terrified of losing my "friends in my head". The bullying gets really bad. We realise we're trans. We're in denial. We think "Oh what if we just come out as non-binary?" It doesn't go well. We are severely suicidal at age 13, finally diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Hospitalised multiple times from then on. Everything is blurry. There are times where I can recall the trauma timeline perfectly, but today is not one of them. This is all quite vague but I think the protectors are ok with that. I needed to get this off my chest. Many have come and gone. I still don't know everyone and everything about the system. I don't know if we'll ever be diagnosed as a system. For now, I just want my life to get easier. We are in constant physical pain. We have hypermobile joint spectrum disorder, recently confirmed. Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome is also suspected. We use a walking stick just to get around the house. We can't stand for more than five minutes. We're still masking our system from our family and friends. Mom thinks we have a dissociative disorder of some sort. The trauma is too complicated even for us, to explain to her how "broken" we feel. Being plural with trauma that is probably nowhere near what people would consider enough to form a system is exhausting. It feels invalidating. Like we shouldn't be this way because we weren't sexually abused or groomed or beaten or tortured or something. We have trauma, it should be enough. So this is me, getting this off my chest. I needed to vent. It hurts so goddamn much. I'm always fronting. I never switch out unless something major happens, like if seb triggers a switch for our safety or if Kai is triggered in due to talking about a memory I'm not supposed to know about to keep me safe. I'm always co-fronting with somebody. I barely know who I am, let alone the fact of being plural making it even harder. What I do know is that, my plurality has saved me. Even if I wish sometimes I wasn't plural. Even if sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could remember all of the school trauma and the hospital trips and the self harming and the surgery from when I was a kid to fix my eye that I only sort of know about from void. I'm just tired. The body is always hurt or ill or in pain. We never get a break. We mask constantly. We can't even call ourselves we. It's I or me or single anything. We aren't diagnosed with anything system based or plural based. The only reason I have some knowledge of how our system might work is because of the helpful information from other sysblogs on here. Like the info about p-did and median systems and autism based system stuff. Hopefully, we'll get to a good place mentally. For now, we'll just have to take each day as it comes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it probably doesn't read very well or make much sense. I might redo our system intro at some point. Its kind of outdated now. I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

[freetheshit-outofyou]

We have so many thing going wrong and yet our government finds time to pass something that makes them money and sells it to the masses as a win for the people. Man that's smooth. Marriage is contractual obligation between a couple and their state and federal governments. You pay a fee to do it, its certified by a court, when the parties want the obligation dissolved it has to be done by the court and assets and funds are divided between the former couple, the court, and the government(s). Let's not fool ourselves into thinking this is to protect anyone's (R)ight to marry. It just ensures the governments are sucking every cent out of every contract from every state. At this point why even put sex in the contract, If someone wants to marry a pickle just let them do it. Sure sure some people will get pissed because the pickles not Kosher, others will get mad because baby gherkin pickles are to young to marry and they can't enter into contracts while others will get pissy because one marries a brine pickle and they are known to be bad for your heart. And don't get me started about those sick fucks who have their eyes fixed on the pickled pigs feet, no one wants that perversion at the court house, well no one but the tax man.

Uncle Shammy, let folks marry who they want, do your fucking job and fix all the shit you've broken.