#what we want is not fear but the shame that leads to self-reflection

[riotouseaterofflesh]

You can wave a white flag; you can be an old woman or a newborn baby or someone else who visibly poses no threat whatsoever; you can be an Israeli hostage calling for help—if they see you, they will try to kill you. The five-month massacre in Gaza is not collateral damage, or an unfortunate side effect of the war against Hamas. There is no war against Hamas. Just this. The only military objective is to kill piano teachers and poets.

What I find really unbearable, though, what sticks in my throat like a clammy marble of rage, is the combination of mass murder and smugness. Israeli soldiers keep filming themselves committing smug atrocities. There’s one video I can’t stop thinking about: not even close to the worst thing the IDF has done, but maybe the most galling. An Israeli soldier stands in the ruins of a classroom in Gaza. He pulls a framed certificate off the wall and smashes it. He takes the time to erase the lessons from the chalkboard. Big man! How brave, this soldier encrusted in body armour and grenades! How heroically you defend yourself against a room where young children learn to read! But that really is exactly what he thinks. He thinks he’s being brave. Standing up against the oppressors of the Jewish people. Refusing to walk meekly into the gas chambers. He even writes it on the now-erased board: עם ישראל לא לפחד; the people of Israel aren’t afraid. Elsewhere Israeli soldiers posed in Gaza’s parliament building, grinning like they’d just taken the Reichstag. What a victory! This murderous ratissage into a city that’s been under Israeli occupation their entire lives, and their parents’ entire lives too. Then they planted dynamite around the building and blew it up. The entire country is mad off this stuff, and I do mean mad: saucer-eyed, loony. Israel’s foreign ministry shrieks like a funeral drunk whenever any government dares to raise an objection to its killing spree. Spain is Hamas! Ireland is ISIS! The whole world is made of Hitler! They also think they’re being brave. A lonely voice for justice. Confronting a cruel world with its complicity. At the Kerem Shalom crossing, protesters draped in the Israeli flag dance and sing and block aid shipments from entering Gaza. More famine! More disease! More stillborn children! They think they’re being brave too. The arctic glint of righteousness in their eyes. Even the more liberal sectors of Israeli society are getting in on it. Someone who was in Tel Aviv recently told me that most liberal Israelis don’t really have the emotional bandwidth at the moment to care too much about Palestinian suffering. They know what’s happening just down the coast from Tel Aviv, but it doesn’t register. They’re still in shock after October 7th, still worried sick for the hostages, still mourning the dead. It’s too early to worry or mourn for anyone else. The person who told me this didn’t think this Zone of Interest-style sociopathy was a bad thing. He didn’t understand why I found it so hideous. In a way, it’s also brave. It takes courage to let yourself really feel what you’re feeling, to sit with your grief, to admit that you hurt. It takes courage to be so emotionally complex. Not like the barbarians on the other side of the fence.

This madness is not limited to Israel. Everyone remembers being bullied at school. Even celebs, film stars, supermodels, beautiful and charismatic people, all seem to have had a hard time of it when they were kids. Some people build the entire foundation of their adult life on having been bullied as a child. You were such a misfit, you were so interesting and different… But nobody seems to remember being the bully, and I promise you that at some point in your life, you were also the bully. I certainly was. I couldn’t comprehend the senseless sadism of the kids who’d gang up on me, back when I was seven years old with dyspraxia and a speech impediment. What had I ever done to them? How could anyone bear to be so cruel? But somehow, all that stuff went out the window as soon as I encountered anyone lower down the totem pole than I was. My cruelty wasn’t senseless. Other people had been cruel to me, which made me a victim: anything I did was, by definition, fighting back, being brave. After all I’d been through, didn’t I deserve to experience the joys of power? Just a little? As a treat?

[youremyheaven]

Fated Love in Astrology

So, every person has a divine partner that they are meant to be with. Your union with your other half (I hesitate to use the world “twin flame” only because of how misconstrued it is in mainstream astrology/spirituality discourse) depends entirely on both of your individual spiritual awakening and commitment to the spiritual path.

In astrology, the 7th house represents marriage, or, as I like to call it “union”. The 7th house, is the 7th house from the 1st house. It is the descendant to your ascendant. It is the shadow to your ego. Whenever we cross paths with an individual whose luminaries fall to our 7th house, it creates a very magnetic & intense attraction. It’s almost inexplicable what you feel for each other.

With that said, this sort of connection is not logical or rational. It defies all norms. The key to recognizing your divine partner is the intense attraction you feel towards them right away. There is no hesitation or second guessing, you’re simply awestruck by them. Nowadays, we all have a very tedious approach to relationships (due to our collective trauma and bad experiences), everybody walks around with a checklist to find someone who will fit their criteria but that is not how Divine Love works. You just know instantly that there is something different about this connection. That is not to say, the nature of the relationship will be easy. Fated connections are never easy and not everyone is meant to find their Divine Partner. 

When such a person comes into your life, it usually triggers your ego death; they become responsible for you losing the shell of identity you held close to you. All your fears, your shame, your vulnerability comes to the forefront and you have to confront everything you’ve ever repressed. It leads to a dissolution of self. 

In Sufism, there is the concept of “fanaa” which can be translated to “annihilation”. In order to merge oneself with God, it is first necessary to annihilate everything that you consider to be you. It’s important to "to die before one dies". Love & Worship are very closely intertwined. This is exactly what “twin flame” connection feels like. You rid yourself of your ego, you dissolve your sense of “self”. Sounds intense? That’s because it is. It irks me when people talk about twin flames in a casual way because a) not everyone has a twin flame b) this is not a fun experience in any way, shape or form c)This is the least casual of experiences

(I am using the word twin flame here only because it is a term that more people are familiar with, I wanted to speak of the spiritual background of that experience whilst using a term that’s already familiar)

In Jungian psychology, there is the concept of anima/animus, which refer to the unconscious masculine aspect of a woman and the unconscious feminine aspect of a man respectively. One aspect of being a “whole” human being is to integrate these unconscious parts into yourself. This is similar to what a twin experiences, your other half seems to be in the shadow, hidden from your view, crossing paths with them, brings that realization to you and now in order to unite with them, you must first dissolve yourself and merge with that unconscious image of them. 

There is a reason why twins “mirror” each other; they are a reflection of you and vice versa. This is why every interaction with them strikes a nerve in you and you feel their absence like a phantom limb. 

If you’re on a twin flame journey or would like to know more about it, I suggest immersing yourself in Sufi philosophy. To a lay person, the Sufi concept of Love may seem dramatic and over the top but for those in the know, it will seem deeply familiar, because ultimately your longing and yearning for your “twin” is your innate longing to seek union with God/the Divine. We were all made in pairs and to know the other is to know God and to know God is to know Love.

These connections are presented to you in order for you to ascend. Why were you chosen for ascension over millions of others? That’s the divine plan, not up to us to question. It is entirely possible to meet such a person at a time in your life when you’re completely spiritually unevolved (this is very common) and they usually trigger your dark night of the soul. This leads to positive disintegration although nothing about this experience feels positive in any way, shape or form.

Actually uniting with your twin and sharing a life with them is a long shot. Its often an unrequited love. It requires A LOT of work by both people. There is a lifetime of purging, integration and inner work before union could ever be a possibility. Most people who use the term “twin flame” are using a fancy spiritual label to describe their excessive interest in someone. You don’t have a twin flame, you’re just manic. 

In Arabic literature, there are 7 stages to love, it is as follows:

1. Dilkashi or attraction

2. Uns or attachment

3. Mohabbat or love

4. Akidat or reverence 

5. Ibadat or worship

6. Junoon or madness

7. Maut or death

If you believe you’re experiencing a twin flame connection, you have probably gone through these stages, maybe not in this order but you’ve probably experienced all of these. 

You experience an inexplicable attraction that draws you to them, regardless of how far you stray from them, your heart clings to them & forms a deep attachment, even though you don't seem to understand it, you're consumed by love for them, without even knowing why, this love morphs itself into reverence and soon enough it's eclipsed even that & embedded itself as worship. Your feelings for them are so strong, intense and powerful even in separation, even in their absence that you feel yourself going mad. This madness is key because it brings you to the death of "self". You lose all sense of who you were before you met them. You're ripped of your ego. You die and die and die again, hoping to taste the love that will give life to you.

There are astrological indicators obviously but just because these aspects/placements are present, does not mean they are your twin flame. The biggest indicator is the deep sense of knowing you have in your soul, you don’t even have to know the word “twin flame”, you’re experiencing a magnetic, excruciating and tortuous kind of attraction. 

Some indicators:

1. Venus in 12h 

2. Venus in Scorpio

3. Primary Scorpio or Taurus placements (the Taurus-Scorpio axis creates the most intense chemistry between two people)

4. Moon conjunct Mars 

5. Opposite signs occupying many placements (Virgo-Pisces, Cancer-Capricorn, Gemini-Sagittarius)  

5. 7h synastry 

6. Bharani nakshatra 

Uniting with your twin can trigger your kundalini awakening. It is not for the faint of heart. Union is a very intense experience. Much has been said about twin flames and tantric sex. Imo? What we call Tantric sex is essentially the heightened feeling and intensity of sexual experience that a Tantric practice brings about. (its possible to feel this way with a non-twin if you have a disciplined Tantric practice). 

Sex is the source and root of everything. It is the cause of creation and nothing less than divine. Eros is the first god that could be conceived by man, he is the creator of all beings and ruler of the universe. He is son of Chaos, the original primeval emptiness of the universe.

Longing, desire and Eros, all go hand in hand. When your soul has longed for someone for so long, the sheer passion and enormity of desire will make it a very one of a kind experience. Short answer being that sex with your twin will be out of this world and life changing.

In Sufism, there is a concept called baqaa which is subsistence through God. Someone who has experienced fanaa, or annihilation of the ego and self, finds God, unites with him and sees him in everything. This is what love of a “twin flame” nature does. It is all consuming and potent, you cannot walk away from it, even brushing with it briefly, transforms you. It purifies you and strips you of your pride, shame, fears and everything that you thought was “you” but the reward for this is understanding through first hand knowledge, a love so all encompassing, expansive, deep and profound that it forever alters the way you look at the world. You begin to love everything and everyone because you’ve tasted true love and its generosity. 

Karmic Partnerships

These are extremely common and almost everyone has one. They need not strictly be romantic. Many non-romantic associations can be karmic. These people to put it very plainly, come into your life, to teach you lessons. They need not explicitly be “bad relationships” but the energy is definitely not light hearted and its absolutely not meant to last a lifetime. You are meant to learn your lessons and move on from them and break the karmic cycle. However there are people who do not do this and stay stuck in the same patterns and perpetuate the same cycles.

Some indicators of Karmic Partnerships in astrology:

1. 12h synastry

2. 8h synastry 

3. Saturn aspects 

4. Capricorn/Libra placements

Soulmates

These are the most wholesome, fulfilling bonds between two people. Soulmates need not always be romantic. The bond is kind of instant and inexplicable. You just get each other. It feels fulfilling, empowering and light. It fills you up. There is no angst and there’s no chaos. 

Some indicators:

1. Moon signs that are compatible with each other

2. Moon aspects that are positive

3. Venus-Ascendant aspects

4. 5h synastry

5. Strong Venus or Jupiter aspects

6. Element compatibility (fire & air vs water & earth)

🧜🏼‍♀️🧜🏼‍♀️🧜🏼‍♀️🧚🏼‍♂️🧚🏼‍♂️🧚🏼‍♂️🦋🦢🦢🦢🦋🧚🏼‍♂️🧚🏼‍♂️🧜🏼‍♀️🧜🏼‍♀️🧜🏼‍♀️🧜🏼‍♀️🧚🏼‍♀️🧚🏼‍♀️🧚🏼‍♀️🦋🦋🦢🦢🦢🧜🏼‍♀️🧜🏼‍♀️🧜🏼‍♀️

I’m sorry if I sound a little too esoteric on this post 😭😭😭idk how else to talk about this stuff and I tried my best to make it sound as simple as I could 😭I hope this was interesting and if you guys have any questions feel free to ask me💛💛

Further reading:

1. Plato’s Symposium

2. Sufi philosophy and poetry 

3. Carl Jung’s works

[etfrin]

“You make me so happy, it turns back to sad” - Gorgeous

Trans! Koby x female! reader

Warning - NSFW (fingering, m receiving. Sex. Edging.)

Summary - You were feeling conscious about your relationship instead of talking it out with Koby. You flirt with other men, which turns into communicating with Koby about your insecurities and then leads to sexy times :))

Of course, you knew Koby was an oblivious fuck. You found it endearing, it was among his many traits. But sometimes it was just too much when he didn't realize that you needed him not only sexually either. He didn't get the signs, he was your boyfriend for months now yet he was too shy to love you, to hold you.

It made you self-conscious, it made you fear you weren't enough. You were a coward, you couldn't bring this issue for fear of getting rejected.

Instead, you began to ignore him, it was subtle. You didn't even realize it, too deep into your self-loathe.

That was until the party that was being held on the marine ship today. You were Koby's date, and that man deserves the best. You wore a red dress, with a slit up your leg that reaches your thigh. It was rather daring but so pretty.

Koby came to pick you up, his reaction is immediate with a crimson red blush and wide eyes. After the compliments are shared, you walk the halls to the party.

You tried to hold Koby's hand only for him to pull away. "We shouldn't," he whispered with those same wide eyes, "Too many higher-ups." You clenched your jaw, that was... that was the last straw.

After this, you flirt with anyone willing. Smiling, twirling your hair, the whole deal with absolutely no shame. Most marines who worked under Koby were shocked at this but you didn't care. You couldn't bring yourself to. It was not until a man got too close to you, nearly in a kissing distance that Koby finally stepped in.

"Darling," he said, his voice raspy, "Could I steal you for a moment?" His eyes go to the man you were flirting with and you notice his jaw clenching. He.. he was mad. You've never seen him mad before.

You let him whisk back to your room. He pinned you to the door, his hands on either side of your head.

"What was that?" He asked, despite the hurry clear in his voice, his tone was kind. It had you seething, you wanted him mad.

"What was what?" You scoff. His eyes just reflected more pain from your words. "What's wrong? Did I do something? I am sorry, just tell me what's wrong," he whispered. You felt your hands turn into fists. "You don't even get it," you whispered to him.

You wanted to leave, but leaving would mean that you would have to leave him too so you finally spoke up. All about your insecurities and his shyness, how it made you feel. Koby listened patiently.

Koby nodded, "and your reaction was to flirt with those men instead of talking to me." His jaw clenched again. You knew it was inappropriate but him being mad was hot. His eyes glaring not harsh but still enough to ignite you. Your eyes looked down at the floor when you couldn't meet his gaze anymore.

You let out a harsh huff, "You know what kind of bitch you're dating, Koby." You knew you were toxic. You knew you weren't the best for him. You never were. You should leave. Leave him alone. Let him find someone worthy.

More thoughts came into your head, making your eyes tear up. "I should just leave. I am not enough. I am not-" Before you can continue, he interrupts with a kiss.

It was soft, it was beautiful, just like Koby. Tears were now falling down your cheek and Koby brushed every drop away. He kissed you as if he was compensating for each drop of tears that fell.

More tears fell as he continued to kiss you like this. When he leaned in to kiss you again, you grabbed him with his tie and kissed him back. Your tongues meet in a slow caress of heat. You pulled back, taking in a deep breath.

Koby whispered, "I will decide what's enough for me. You're enough. You're enough."

"Koby," you whispered feeling like everything stopped. Your thoughts, and your insecurities, are not gone but not crawling on your skin either. "Koby," you whispered his name again.

His eyes told you that he understood. He understands everything you mean. Letting your tears fall for a final time, you bring him closer to kiss you again.

You push him to the bed, straddling him as you both continue to kiss. "Koby," you whine as you take off his everything. From the stupid handsome black suit he wore to his boxers. All ended up on the floor. Your red dress, bra, and panties are included.

Your lips were latched to his, your tongue sloppy in technique but it didn't matter. Not with him. Never with him. His hands were in your hair as you kept kissing him. Your hands on his cheeks, caressing it, holding it in place.

His legs were spread for you, to make space for you. You pulled away, letting your gaze fall onto his pink cunt and his twitching cocklet. "You're so pretty," you whispered, your hand goes there, your fingers dipping into his wet slit but just a centimeter in. You hear his breath hitch.

"You're stunning," Koby whispered back. You felt yourself smile at the compliment. You pressed a kiss to his jaw before letting your fingers glide in. His walls stretch for your digits.

The hold he had on your head tightened. "Relax," you whispered to his ear, biting his earlobe. Your fingers go in deeper. Feeling his gummy walls, every crook and nook of it. Before you begin pressed into the spongy spot that made him gasp.

You grin when you feel his walls twitch around your fingers. You pressed kisses to his neck and collarbone. "As much as I would love for you cum on my fingers, love, can I fuck my pussy against you?" You asked him. His face was buried into the space between your neck and shoulder. He nods. You hear him say, "Please."

Both of you get into the position quickly enough, instead of him it is you on top. You let out a moan when your pussy finally got the attention it deserved. Your juices and his were now mixing as you slowly grind against his cunt.

His hands were on your waist, his eyes wide with pleasure as you rut against his pussy. You let out soft moans, your head resting on his shoulder. His face was buried into your neck. You were wrapped in each other.

The grinding was slow, it wasn't sex for either of you. It was more. It was everything that words couldn't describe. "Koby," you whine as you felt your clit rub against his cocklet, your fold clenching against his fluttering cunt. You both were making a mess of the sheets with your juices.

"Koby, Koby, Koby," you moan his name like a mantra as you feel yourself get nearer. You started going faster. Only for Koby to stop with his hand tightening on your waist. "Don't," he whispered, "Go slow, sweetheart. For me."

You wanted to argue. You wanted to be a brat. You wanted to cum. Instead, you take in deep breaths, letting the pleasure fade before you go again.

How many minutes had passed? Perhaps it was hours. You both were sweaty, still in the same position. You knew the sheets were soaked. You could scent the salt of sweat and the tang of sex in the air. You feel the slide against his cunt getting sloppier each second.

No words were spoken as you continued to edge each other like this, so close yet not falling. Only breathless moans could be heard.

Soon again you felt yourself on the familiar cliff of pleasure, so close to the edge. You pant against his neck. "Koby, can I? Can we? Please," you whispered, your voice raspy from the moaning, too out of it. You felt dizzy from the fog of bliss. You didn't have to wait for Koby to agree. He moved his hip in a way that felt just right. His cocklet pressed against your clit, both of your slits leaking juices onto each other folds.

You felt yourself released. You couldn't even moan from the pleasure. You were out of it now. Your mind is silent and your body is satisfied.

The last thing you felt before closing your eyes is Koby kissing your forehead.

This wasn't supposed to have (the hint of) plot but I blame Taylor Swift for it <33

[avoidantrecovery]

my thoughts on rejection sensitivity, fawning, criticism and how i want to get better about them

these are just some notes/me thinking aloud/me writing notes to myself and putting things into perspective/connecting some dots. maybe others can relate.

✦ abandonment/rejection based trauma leads to... ✦ needing to be accepted and liked by any- and everyone (fawning) to restore safety/ensure feeling safe which leads to... ✦ due to being stuck in trauma response/having a trauma rewired brain: strong sensitivity and fear of any kind of rejection or criticism, which leads to... ✦ responsibility for your emotions and self-perceptions are outsourced (for the lack of a better word) to (random) third persons (who are not even aware of this). which leads to... ✦ difficulty to interact and communicate with people without crushing hypervigilance, anxiety, numbing, strong emotional reactions... leads to... ✦ random third parties and their reaction to us (be it via facial expressions, tone, conversation, action or inaction, etc...) now makes or breaks our emotional state ✦ a positive reaction gives us (if we're lucky) positive emotions (dopamine, safety, elation) a negative reaction however leads to the exact opposite -> we are at the whims of random people ✦ inevitable negative feedback then leads to severe negative emotions including anxiety, shame, self-devaluing and self-abuse ✦ this becomes a cycle of wanting others to reflect that "we are good" back to us in places where it's not relevant and will lead to negative feedback and rejection, isolating and then doing it all over again.

what to do instead?

✸ realize that this is a cycle that is happening and why (trauma) ✸ be mindful and have self-compassion for your past (fawning) behaviour to avoid shame and self-hate (you were stuck in a trauma response, not doing it on purpose) ✸ realize that minute reactions of all people doesn't have to matter to you. this is something you have to practise day in day out, because your brain is stuck in this mode. ✸ it's fucked up that we often have to deal with people who are outright hostile and having a negative reaction to that is normal and healthy. however, everyone who has ever felt the overwhelming crushing sensation of rejection sensitivity knows there is a difference between that and "a healthy negative reaction". ✸ we shouldn't have to internalize and emotionally tattoo every minute thing someone else says or does to us, esp. if they are hostile ✸ it shouldn't control us for the rest of the day, week, month or even longer ✸ there is nothing we can do to control others behaviour (even by prostrating and fawning to the max), it is not even our responsibility, but we can try to better manage and process our own emotions to ensure we are not constantly dysregulated. ✸ use "the levels method" to sort to what degree someone's feedback matters to you ✸ realize that you will probably fall back into old behaviour patterns because "nerves that fire together, wire together". meaning it is through repetition that we form new habits and it's by reducing "firing" old behaviour patterns that we are able to eventually let them go.

the levels method

✸ level 1: random strangers on the street: 0.5/5 ✸ level 2: random people you see daily (neighbors, barista, etc...): 1/5 ✸ level 3: work/school people 2/5 (only professional/educational stuff matters, do not take things personal or internalize professional critic as personal critic, i know this is hard and often unfair) ✸level 4: acquaintances and friends: 3/5 ✸ level 5: family and good friends: 4/5 ✸ level 6: your own selected loved ones 5/5

☞ i just came up with this little method that i will try to use to weigh my emotions and how seriously i have to take people's reactions to me. again, it's not easy and it's something that has to be practised to get right. however, the idea is to get away from processing the random reaction of a stranger, or even of a co-worker or client, with the same intensity and seriousness of selected loved one whose feedback i obviously care about a lot.

what if i don't have loved ones?

✸ this is one thing that has been bothering me ✸ i think for some people the "outsourcing" of emotions onto other people and that whole cycle, is intensified by not having any selected loved ones due to isolation etc... ✸ it's likely that you will, perhaps without being aware of it, begin to look for emotional feedback (to feel safe due to trauma brain) from people who fall within level 1-level 3 or 4. ✸ people need social contact and if there is nobody else around we might look to have our emotional needs met by people who aren't even aware or responsible for that ✸ i am currently in this situation and all i can do for now, until i do find new selected loved ones, is to be aware when i do it and steer away from it when it happens. ✸ if you are in contact with family or friends, this can be a better outlet as random strangers or classmates/co-workers

(not medical advice, just thinking out loud)

[uselesslexbian]

eras tour setlist sentence starters, part one.

you know i adore you.

it's you and me, that's my whole world.

you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.

you are the only one who seems to care.

what doesn't kill me makes me want you more.

if i bleed, you'll be the last to know.

i don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you.

i love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

i'm so sick of them coming at me again.

i'm so sick of running as fast as i can.

you need to calm down.

can i go where you go?

can we always be this close?

i'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you.

i've loved you three summers now, but i want them all.

who could ever leave me, darling?

but who could stay?

i cut off my nose just to spite my face and i hate my reflection for years and years.

they see right through me.

can you see right through me?

i'm trying so hard not to get caught up now.

she'll never know your story like i do.

you belong with me.

you say you're fine, i know you better than that.

take me somewhere we can be alone.

all there's left to do is run.

i got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around.

this love is difficult, but it's real.

don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess.

i keep waiting for you, but you never come.

is this in my head? i don't know what to think.

if i wanted to know who you were hanging with while i was gone, i would've asked you.

the road not taken looks real good now, and it always leads to you.

i'm begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans.

wait for the signal and i'll meet you after dark.

i guess i should've known from that look on your face.

if i didn't know better, i'd think you were still around.

what died didn't stay dead.

i never was ready so i watched you go.

what a shame she's fucked in the head.

i notice everything you do or don't do.

if it's all in my head, tell me now.

tell me i got it wrong somehow.

in the middle of the night, in my dreams, you should see the things we do.

i know i'm gonna be with you, so i'll take my time.

my reputation's never been worse so you must like me for me.

is it cool that i said all that?

is it chill that you're in my head?

i'm insane, but i'm your baby.

baby, for you, i would fall from grace just to touch your face.

if you walk away, i'd beg you on my knees to stay.

i don't like your little games.

no, i don't like you.

maybe i got mine, but you'll all get yours.

i'll spend forever wondering if you knew.

please don't be in love with someone else.

i had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.

everything will be alright if you keep me next to you.

i'm really gonna miss you picking fights.

a new notch in your belt is all i'll ever be.

and the saddest fear comes creeping in, that you never loved me.

you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything.

i might be okay, but i'm not fine at all.

you taught me about your past, thinking your future was me.

you never called it what it was.

maybe we got lost in translation.

this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up.

i'm in a new hell every time you double-cross my mind.

the idea you had of me, who was she?

i'd like to be my old self again, but i'm still trying to find it.

'cause there we are again, when i loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known.

just between us, did the love affair maim you too?

[sellouttoyourself]

There’s this part in Giovanni’s Room where David describes trans women/crossdressers he sees at a gay bar as “grotesque” and compares his disgust towards them to the disgust of watching a monkey eat it’s own feces because, as he puts it, the grossest part of the latter is seeing something human (like you) behave in a disgusting manner. I’m trying to get better at reparative readings and set aside paranoid readings, so let’s unpack this for a second. David is the epitome of a self-hating gay man, and the novel itself is plainly about how society teaches gay people to hate themselves. So what he finds so grotesque about trans people isn’t trans people in an of themselves but what they remind David about himself. Trans people are this funhouse mirror to David, a warped reflection of what he’s terrified he actually is. He sees trans people as visible mockery of his own failure to perform the masculinity demanded by his overbearing father and society at large, that if he’s in this club with people like *that* it must mean he is *of* them and similarly absurd in their aesthetic.  David takes the disgust and rage he feels about himself and his own sexuality and enacts it against these trans women as emblems of everything he despises about himself. Which is strange, because so many DL men do that to the gay men and trans women in their lives. Trans women are most likely to be killed by a domestic partner--someone they had a pre-existing relationship with. I’ve read enough testimonies from men put on trial for murders of trans women to know they usually took out their fear on these women. Not the fear of “gay panic” upon learning the woman they suspected was cis was actually trans; more often than not they knew their victim was trans and likely sought them out as a romantic partner or sex worker because of it. What often precedes the murder is a fear of *other people* learning their partner was trans or they were partners with a trans person. Their violence is an embodiment of their own shame for wanting what society tells them they should never want, and the trans woman herself becomes a threat to their masculinity even when desired for their femininity. Violence, as gendered violence so often does, then becomes the means of recapturing the masculinity they feel is at risk.  When I first read David’s derisive description of these trans people, my instict was to shelve the book and decry Baldwin as yet another great author who gave into their worst impulses and failed to learn their own lessons when it came to trans people. But the more I thought about it. the more I saw the value in these expressions of David’s insecurity.  This vision of transphobia--visceral disgust at the appearance of a trans person--is harder to come by than it must have been in 1954, but it remains the atomic unit of transphobia. The impulse to erase us from public life is based in this gut-level rejection that David puts forward, one which rejects not transness per se but what transness reveals about the observer.  For most, what we reveal is a sense of instability to a world they thought they knew. Gender is baked into the rules so many build their lives around. The cringey couple throwing a gender reveal party isn’t doing so because they hate trans people; they’re doing it because they’re excited about this little life they’re bringing into the world and are eager to “learn” more about them and what to expect. Whether the cake contains pink or blue batter reveals, to their eye, a lot about who their child will and can be. That’s no small matter! Trans people, by virtue of our very existence, destabilize the certainty that surrounds that joy. Truly, we destabilize the certainty that surrounds a lot of misery as well--misogyny, gender roles gendered violence, and much more. But people, generally speaking, abhor freedom, most of all that freedom that leads to uncertainty in an area where they could previously sleep soundly. The impulse to deride us is learned, surely, but not simply by poor representation of trans people as people. It is learned by making people dependent on the gender binary--a constructed, fragile mess to which people are nonetheless loyal as hell. I knew this. What I’d considered less often was how frequently trans people represent for cis people their own failures to live up to the gendered expectations they navigate. David has a deep-seated fear of being feminized, of losing his own masculinity to the love he feels for other men. Instead of seeing the potential in trans lives to separate masculinity from sexuality, he sees us as sad reminders of how he fails the former because of how the latter manifests for himself.  I don’t think this kind of fear is limited, however, to closet cases like David. I think lots and lots of cis, straight people reject trans people because of how we amplify their own failures to perform their gender identity “correctly” and the absurd, even grotesque, steps they take to avoid that failure. A few weeks ago some cis female writer went on Tucker Carlson and mocked Dylan Mulvaney, calling her performance of femininity a kind of minstrelsy--”womanface” as akin to blackface. This was odd to me, since she was literally on cable news while saying this, so was almost certainly plastered in a full face of makeup. She was donning more artifice than Dylan was, most likely, but shaming Dylan for how hers was made more apparent when contrasted with her assigned male gender. The disgust she was voicing is not terribly different from the disgust David expresses in Giovanni’s Room, one of anger at what Dylan reveals about herself as a woman--the effort and performance and costume and habits. Consciously or no, she sees herself in Dylan--even if it’s a kind of joyful embrace of femininity she killed long ago or to which she feels entitled by virtue of her biology and gender assignment. 

[huellitaa]

ྀི ୨ embarrassment ୧ ྀི

...is a social construct designed to make us feel bad by those who cant handle their own mistakes & or shortcomings.

seriously. like. it baffles me how people are still living in the mindset where they let embarrassment become anything more for them than a concept.

୨୧ embarrassment

- a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.

embarrassment is perfectly normal. it happens to everyone because we all make mistakes. but some people let embarrassment and the fear of embarrassment consume them and the choices they make far too much, far too often.

♡ which leads me onto my first point; it is completely normal. everybody makes mistakes. this is our first time in this life and we are all learning & growing with our every choice, every action, every decision <3 remember that the next time youre panicking and freaking out because you made a mistake.

♡ its never that deep. i like to try be gentle w this stuff but lemme tell u straight no one actually cares . im serious,, like babes no one gives a shit honestly 😭😭 and your mentality should be the same. people remember this stuff n laugh for 5 mins and then theyre back to their life. and if they hang on to it for longer then theyre the one who should be embarrassed.. get a life pls??

♡ similar to what i said a moment ago , its. never. that. deep. laugh it off !!!!! giggle !!!!!! laugh about it !!!!!!!! nobody cares !!!!!! this shows that it doesnt faze you and this shows how confident you are within yourself that you dont let silly little mistakes bother you because they do not matter.

♡ when it comes to your interests, please never be embarrassed about these. this is something ive struggled with since i was little but never never never be embarassed of the things that bring you joy. if they arent hurting anyone and are perfectly okay you should never be embarrassed ab that. it makes you happy. why should you be ashamed of that for someone else???🩷

♡ has someone ever said something to you? made u doubt urself? then you get embarrassed ab it???? dont. do not even go there. i ws so insecure before (i know😭😭) and couldnt hold a single opinion for myself but when you know who tf you are you wont be doubting yourself for anyone ml.

♡ so... you wanna pursue your dreams but ur too embarrassed. ur too embarrassed and worried "what if this doesnt work" "what if it doesnt happen" n whatever other dumb shit ur worried abt and scared to outgrow your surroundings and evolve. wow. you know how silly that sounds? so.. like.. let me get this straight... youre telling me... that youre not doing what you love... for the sake of someone else or some silly little doubts????wow. you get one life n youre doing that. GET IT TOGETHER BABES. GET REAL. WHY WOULD U SABOTAGE URSELF LIKE THAT????? YOURE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT LIKE 😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷

♡ understand that peoples perceptions of you are often reflections of themselves just like your perceptions of others are often reflections of yourself. they think its embarrassing because they know for a fact deep down that theyd be too embarrassed and self conscious to do it themselves.

♡ and then watch the way they'll all come crawling back apologising and grovelling the moment you're rich and successful and got everything you ever wanted.. all because you had the confidence to trust in yourself and pursue what you wanted without listening to their self doubts. <3

♡ reverse psychology. "why r u doing that" "thats so cringey" why r u so wrapped up in my business? thats so cringey

♡ overall, confidence, strong self concept & trusting in your ability to bounce back from anything are the three main things that will never let you wallow in this silly little emotion again. embarrassment is like a pitiful, more insignificant, ridiculous version of fear. if ur gonna be scared then b scared of something worth ur time babe ur more than that <33

[dailyanarchistposts]

Reflections

The suffocating and oppressive demonstration of May Day 2019 is now behind us. However, we should not simply move forward to the next day of action without analyzing what happened in the streets that day. If the leading procession is to reinvent itself and stay unpredictable, we must reflect on the events of the day and study the strategies and decisions made on the field. Otherwise, we will remain trapped in the role assigned by authorities, as well as of our own self-satisfied and ritualized form of superficial radicalism. As there is always room for improvement, we present several thoughts that we hope will contribute to refining our strategies for actions and riots to come.

The law enforcement strategy used by authorities during May Day 2019 made quite an impression. The massive—and almost unprecedented—police presence deployed all around the course of the traditional afternoon demonstration put the most terrifying dystopian novels to shame. All day long, numerous police checkpoints, searches, patrols, frontal attacks and incursions, and gratuitously brutal arrests confirmed the ruthlessness of the new law enforcement strategy. From now on, the authorities aim to crush social movements and political unrest by any means necessary, even if this means injuring even more demonstrators than they have already. They aim to establish a state of fear through intentional police brutality and intense legal repression, including new legislation to give law enforcement a free hand during demonstrations, such as the Loi “anti-casseurs”. All this already started before the yellow vest movement. The authoritarian shift of the French government is well under way and undeniable.

The authorities are willing to crush any form of rebellion and unrest—but to do so, they have had to adapt their modus operandi in accordance with the tactics and strategies of the cortège de tête. The intensification of police checkpoints and searches before demonstrations enables them to arrest potential rioters and to seize equipment of all kinds. They hope that, if they do this, these people won’t participate in street confrontations—which, if we follow their logic, should weaken the leading procession. Another aspect of the cortège de tête that the authorities have clearly understood is that one of its major assets is its mobility and speed. Therefore, what better way to control the offensive crowd than to lead it into a trap in which every single exit is blocked by police lines? Then the authorities will know our route and our potential objectives precisely. They can decide to kettle everyone whenever they choose, then engage in hand-to-hand combat and arrest more people. And if some people succeed in escaping from the kettle to start wildcat actions—as we saw during May Day 2019—the authorities can send their motorcycle brigades to disperse everyone.

All this confirms that we need to reconsider our tactics and strategies. Willingly entering the trap set by the authorities has prevented us from opening new breaches and unleashing our destructive creativity in joyful and spontaneous actions. In the end, on May Day, we were exactly where the police wanted us to be, inside their perimeter, and this enabled them to contain and brutally repress us.

The difficulty in preparing for events like May Day in Paris is that, as they attract thousands and thousands of individuals, it is not easy to plan secretly in a way that will reach most people. Once a crowd decides to play by the rules set by authorities, it faces tremendous disadvantages. Considering that authorities are willing to injure even more demonstrators if they have to, we should take this issue seriously.

On numerous occasions, participants in the yellow vest movement have demonstrated their capacity and determination by remaining outside police perimeters. This enabled everyone to engage in intense street confrontations and property destruction, sometimes without even seeing police for minutes or hours. Obviously, with the new Police Prefect and the new strategy of repression, the situation has evolved. However, we continue to believe that a strategy of decentralization is the most efficient solution, as police can’t hope to control many wildcat demonstrations of hundreds of demonstrators if they take place at the same time in many different locations. The question is—how do we deal with the new extremely mobile police units? So far, they are the ones that threaten spontaneous marches and actions.

As in any strategy, there is a weak point. The objective now must be to find this weak point in order to thwart the government’s new strategy of repression.

If nothing else, the sheer number of people in the streets for May Day proves that Macron’s political announcements did not pacify anyone or resolve the ongoing political crisis. Far from it. Despite the massive police presence, the trap set by authorities, and the clear warnings that the government broadcast before May Day, people’s determination and rage remains unbreakable. Thousands and thousands of yellow vesters answered the invitation sent by radicals to join a leading procession that comprised considerably more than half of the entire afternoon demonstration—confirming the decline of trade unions as a tool of political pacification. The trap set by authorities didn’t stop demonstrators from engaging in impressive and courageous street confrontations with police, nor from starting wildcat actions outside of the perimeter.

In the end, despite the fierce repression, anarchists and other autonomous rebels succeeded in putting their personal touch on this May Day. The fact that the French government claimed victory on May Day even as images of massive confrontations and property destruction circulated is itself revealing. It shows how desperately the current government needs to preserve the image that it maintains hegemony, as the political context remains explosive and all efforts to construct a new social peace have utterly failed.

Alongside the indomitable solidarity participants in the cortège de tête expressed in response to the cowardly attacks of the police, all this confirms that, against the odds, we can still remain ungovernable and open up new horizons.

[syscourse-confessions]

Re: why endos and traumagenics shouldn't share spaces or be lumped together in an umbrella term, I used to be open to shared spaces but at this point as someone with DID I don't feel safe around endos anymore.

Trying to demedicalize systemhood harms people both with and without DID/OSDD. If your take is (and I quote from something I have actually read) "Think you're plural? Ask your headmates!" and tell people they don't need to seek a professional diagnosis can stop people from getting an accurate understanding as to what they're experiencing. Maybe they're experiencing DID/OSDD, maybe they're experiencing maladaptive daydreaming, maybe they're experiencing a psychotic disorder, maybe they truly are a system without DID/OSDD -- if they never get assessed, they won't know, which means if there is something different underlying it, it won't get treated properly. I can respect a tentative self-diagnosis if it's thoroughly researched but not this "having a diagnosis doesn't matter actually" stuff (nor "I self-diagnosed after watching a bunch of TikToks").

Also, while I am completely in support of people appreciating their system and not only hating it and being miserable, I'm very much NOT here for people saying they intentionally made themselves a system/want to intentionally do so (willogenic, tulpa, transplural) or acting like it's all fun and games. It contributes to harmful stereotypes about DID that delegitimize it to people, and because they often don't have the shame and fear that stop many with DID/OSDD from being open (vocal, visible) about our experiences, it's easy for them to end up speaking over us. But they can't speak for us because we have completely different experiences.

I believe that SOME endos are actually systems, but there's no way to know which ones and their community really easily lends itself to lonely people becoming "willogenic systems" through its glamorization of it combined with insistence on treating systemhood like an identity that people can just decide for themselves. It's naive to act like these factors can't easily lead to, at the very least, people mistakenly attributing their (normative, or signs of a different disorder) experiences to systemhood.

I also find the idea of inherent "nondisordered plurality" (not functional multiplicity that the system has worked toward) really stigmatizing. It appropriates the parts of our experience that can be helpful or even (sometimes, once we've built positive connections with one another) "fun" for people who don't have to deal with the challenges that come with DID/OSDD. It's co-opting the experiences of survivors of severe, early trauma -- experiences that already we have a very hard time being believed about.

I don't think endos or pro-endos should ever be attacked or harassed, mind you. But I do think endos are experiencing something very different from us and that pretending it's just some non-disordered equivalent to our experiences is harmful, as well as the attempts to demedicalize systemhood.

DISCLAIMER: Posts may or may not reflect accurate information. More info here: https://www.tumblr.com/syscourse-confessions/728819621058232320/disclaimer-treat-posts-here-like-you-would-any

[dykeyote]

can we get a jeddiecore song list

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE AWAKENED I LITERALLY AM CONSTANTLY WAITING FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABT RHE SONGS I ASSOCIATE W JEDIDIAH . anyways im gonna do songs that like .... Lyrically match but also try to align them with vibes . so even if some jhariah songs fit im not putting that on its not the right energy . yk . sorry u probably just wanted like a List but im abnormal about music i associate w jedidiah so ur getting a whole infodump hence why this took like a whole day to write </3

uhhhh starting off again . obviously love love love by the mountain goats the whole examination of the things ull do for love and examining whether thats romantic or somewhat horrifying????? SO fucking him . also the vibes just match perfectly the like sad soft voice and the whole quiet ambience .... literally how id embody him in a song . also lyrics like:

this abt the ritual with love leading you into a "white and soundless place" (often how death is described) before "seeing each other face to face" (back to life and with him again) and:

this abt his guilt afterwards??? the way that jedidiah killing and reviving sydney for love haunts him every day?????? goes fucking crazy . it fits so well to me its the jeddie song of ever

another tmg song hes just tmg coded BUT cry for judas is extremely him to me .... the themes of guilt overlayed w religion especially using judas as a comparison w sydney as a christ figure ... goes crazy . particularly

this part at the beginning . it reminds me a lot of jedidiah avoiding sydney and hurting him and pushing away due to his own guilt as well as his self punishing behaviors plus obviously the themes of controlling time fit lol . i could overinterpret some other sections but i dont want to make this too rambling... but mainly this part makes me think of him and also lines like "sad and angry cant learn how to behave/still wont know how in the darkness of the grave" remind me of his weird lens of viewing sydney + the death themes that obviously call sydney to mind ...... also "some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes/but we are the ones who dont slow down at all" reminds me of jedidiah projecting onto juniper and rowan who work out their issues easily and jedidiah who cant . i ramble

next up uhhhhh self esteem by ajj is basic sadboy music but yknow what . he would listen to basic sadboy music and i have intense lyrical analyses so if you call me on that then i will riot in the streets . anyway so the entire song is about like ..... avoiding other people out of guilt and shame and thats just him!!!! thats him baby . the repetition of this place has taken all my self esteem reminds me of his avoidance of sydney and the camp out of it reminding him of his guilt and shame but some more specific lyrics that remind me of him are

reminds me of his refusal to leave his office because leaving means he'll see sydney and seeing sydney reminds him of his guilt . especially when paired w sydneys fear

this part in PARTICULAR is extremely jeddiecoded!!!! to extremes!!!!!! reminds me of the contrast between college jeddie being scared of yvonne compared with jeddie not being able to handle talking to juniper bc he cant stop projecting his own guilt onto him . hes cray cray that way

a: hes a pathetic little man <3 as well as reflecting his self hatred but let me be funny, b: the phrase "pathetic little dream" reminds me of lucille referring to sydney as his pet project in things like the patreon script preview of s2, and c: jedidiah simultaneously hates and longs for the concept of forgiveness so a song ending on that very note is insane to me

im not gonna include a proper analysis of trees and flowers by strawberry switchblade bc its REALLY more of a sydney song and putting it on a jeddiecore songlist would be evil bc of this but it fits a lil bit in my brain . the whole avoidance of the outside world and avoiding things you cant control like the trees and the buildings

an ode to a bunny i killed near the a19!!!! so jedidiahcore that its insane!!!!!! like it works so well for him that it has Double Meanings with both him having to tear apart the bunny and with him having to kill sydney cmon . its insanely jeddiecore . its hard to analyze this one lyric by lyric because its more of the Overall Feeling of it but the whole thing about agonizing over killing something and not being able to move on and all that nonsense . also the repetitive lines about not being able to do it and not being able to go through with it with the inevitible fact that theyll have to and they did is fucking insane for him because all of his like proper Murders are both like .... described very clinically without a lot of emotion but seem to have left a HUGE emotional impact on him that implies that at least internally there was a lot of emotions bound up in it even if its not necessarily visible. sydneys death is described incredibly clinically but clearly fucking wrecked him to go through with it, killing the bunny is described very matter of factly but he apparently hates doing that kind of thing, the pigs ritual is described very matter of factly but apparently horrified him so much that he cant eat pork anymore, etc etc

heart for brains by roar is more of a sydidiah song (heart-for-brains being sydney) but ill focus on the part that reminds me of jedidiah bc these arent SEDDIEcore songs theyre JEDDIEcore songs

this part always reminds me of like . a VERY harsh awakening on jedidiahs part of how hes acting . very "i miss you im such a fucking idiot"core lol . because jedidiah Is incredibly cold and avoidant to sydney and it Has paid him well, but also hiding all his secrets and avoiding ever confiding in anyone hurts him just as much and doesnt make anything better or easier for himself like he thinks it does

who could win a rabbit by animal collective is a hard song to analyze lyrically lol its a lot of rambling . but it always reminds me of how others view jedidiah because of this whole idea of CONSTANTLY working and constantly being busy and never taking time to relax and enjoy things as well as the repetitive rabbit motifs reminding me of the whole rabbit scene . also iv generally thougth that jedidiah doesnt properly eat well or drink much during that time bc obvoiusly hes not spending time doing that so "eat it like its gonna get away/your coffee sure is getting colder" with leaving drinks untouched and eating food quickly to get back to work always reminds me of him

poor grammar also by roar is more how sydney Feels about jedidiah as opposed to like how jedidiah feels but im including it bc it fits .... SO insanely well that i can talk about it for ages

theres this sense with how sydney percieves the way that their relationship grew and transitioned from being teens to being adults that jedidiah didnt mature and commit to the relationshipt he way that an adult would be expected to and that made sydney grow more ad more dissatisfied and thats what this line reminds me of

this feels like . the EPITOME of pre-sydney running away seddie to me . like absolutely 100% to a t it feels like how jedidiah attempts to interact with sydney . he cant say anything outright he cant Tell sydney anything he cant outright say that he has to avoid sydney but cant handle it . he cant handle properly comforting sydney . so he just shakes and stammers and mumbles his way through a "comforting scene"

and again this is just a lot more of like . id have to do a lot more sydney analysis here and again this is like a jedidiah song list so thats not erally the point lol ..... but the whole "how am i supposed to get through" having ad ouble meaning of "how can i get through to you when youll never talk to me" and "how can i get through this without you" and the "try repeating once again this time with feeling" wanting jedidiah to express proper emotion and love to him again and "premeditated like some sick joke waited all night for you" reminding me of things like the tower building competition .... yk how it is

and obviously never love an anchor is the jedidiah song of ever but like you could watch the animatic to understand that . no explanation i could give would do better than just watching tha damn animatic

i could probably come up with more but oh my god ive gone on too long </3 but yes those are my fav jeddiecore songs

[bengiyo]

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us Ep 8 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

We left on a very dramatic note. Here's hoping that this is a show I can recommend to the folks who waited.

Ah, Wang is gone. I can see how this will inspire flashbacks to Siam's last night.

Confirmation that Mol loved Siam. I feel like I'm always going to struggle with her. She should be scared for her son, but I don't think Inthawut is to blame for most of her troubles.

Interesting that the few times we see Mol and In share the frame is when it's about fearing for Wang's death, particularly as it mirrors Siam's.

Holy shit the scorn on her face when she said In disgusts her was palpable. I physically recoiled.

It's interesting how this show doesn't often rely on A/B shots, but they come up the most with Mol, because she's so often in opposition to others.

Mam is playing Mol's frantic behaviors perfectly. She and Pond are playing this breakdown together perfectly. I just want to be clear here that none of my frustrations with Mol should be taken as negative criticism of Mam Kathaleeya. She is absolutely incredible, and is delivering one of the most memorable performances I've had from Thailand in a while.

The way Wang looks back at his mom is so incredible. This is the moment I think Wang grows up a little bit and recognizes that you start taking care of your parents a little bit.

Ah, I see In is back in his self-imposed cage. Welcome back, architectural bars.

Seeing Wang talk about understanding his dad on the night he died scares me a bit, because my family often says I remind them of an ancestor who succumbed to his own demons and died.

Ah, but the way Wang always intentionally sidesteps these bars gets me every time.

Wang. Poor Wang. He's so right that sitting around and waiting still leads to death. I have sat back like In, making excuses for why I won't open myself up to others and it's all just fear and shame. It hurts to stay lonely for so long.

Omg Wang crosses the window line. We can't turn back now. In is definitely going to strike and push Wang away. There's not enough bravery in him, I don't think.

These two are also now in opposition, and the editing has to reflect that.

When In raised his crutch to strike Wang, I think I have to accept that there is definitely no triumphant end to this story. He can't face Wang's reality. He can't accept his passion. He can only demand he smother it. This hurts, because I've been here in other ways, too.

I will always appreciate Wang for saying the quiet part aloud. In has done a disservice to the people he loves by pushing them away and refusing to face them.

It's so sad seeing someone say I love you and also goodbye simulataneously.

It's the next morning and everyone is back to the doublespeak. I hate it here.

Oh no. This is the first time Wang has intentionally moved to place the bars between him and In. It's over. He's leaving In to his cage.

Oh gay boys and their moms. It's a very specific bond.

Yes, Wang, you've got time on your side.

Mm, I do like giving the globe to In. Wang has resolved his matters around his dad and no longer needs to carry it. In, however, has not.

Oh, Inthawut, please give him this hug.

I need a translated version of this song to implode over later.

This is a melancholy ending, but I don't hate it.

I do appreciate the final messages to the viewer.

Final Verdict: 9, Recommend for Queer Cinema Fans. I know a lot of folks are going to be disappointed in this ending, but I can appreciate that the characterizations held true for the entire duration. It is a melancholy message to receive from this show, but I can accept queer cinema asking us to consider our place in things even as they don't work out the way we hoped. I will continue to think about this show for many years, and I will hopefully post more thoughts in the future.

For now, I will say that it is probably good to ache after this show. This show doesn't kill any gays during the runtime, but it does ask us what do with the pain and grief many of us have carried.

[emmalee-olive]

I saw a girl who’s instagram I frequently indulge in. A friend of a friend. A girl I have never personally conversed with but her life is one I aspire to have. At least in the realm of instagram stories. Her life seems to be littered with fortune. Beautiful clear skin, models, remains consistent and anonymous in her demeanor. 

She has mastered the art of being one dimensional. A thing I could only dream of doing. Flattening myself time and time again has proved to be a useless endeavor that leads to the flattening of all other aspects of my life. One could assume it is one’s uniqueness that gives them peace of mind. This is farther from the truth and in fact requires an intense and rigorous amount of brain-training. The concentrated removal of shame from one’s thoughts. 

While this seems like a dig at her, it of course, is not. I am envious. I imagine that when you get to know her she becomes more fleshed out, I’m sure her beauty is found deeper than the surface. I bet she would lend you a dollar, or listen to a story. I bet she loves to pet the cats she posts on her stories. 

I understand as an adult that her instagram story archive is not an extensive study of herself. I understand it is a curated beautiful combination of photos that she wanted to present herself as. 

I also understand that I could do this myself. I did for a time. My life as of right now lacks beauty. It lacks fortune. I cannot subtly post about my beautiful apartment, I live with my mother. I can’t post about my picturesque job, I’m a receptionist. 

You only need to consider my last observation to make a conclusion. And that is that my obsession with her is a reflection of my insecurities. OF COURSE!!! The judgement you pass on others is the judgement you fear will be passed to you. What an original observation. 

this is not an original observation. It is a lesson learned from a study of one’s self. All young girls must at one point realize this about their judgement. It is a creature outside of themselves that feeds on their own thoughts. A hungry beast which thrives on naivety. 

Only recently have I sat down with this beast and questioned its motives. Now it is a background train of thought as I move through my day. 

Now that I have maintained my beast a reasonable amount I focus on bigger things like the joy of being alive, the gift of breath. The gift of a hot americano to stay. 

Its not easy to sit and say that I have found joy in mundane, that I have found joy in general. I have found only a glimpse. I have yet to truly move in the direction I think will make me happy. Although I understand that change is imminent and I will be shown a new path very shortly, I also understand that I am afraid to step back into the dark. Back into the space which holds these beasts. 

The dark is the unknown it is not that my future has ensured pain, it does, maybe not at the degree to which I experienced it previously, but it will have pain. It is that I must understand that there will also be joy, I am not totally stagnant. we grow in ways outside of the linear fashion. We grow exponentially, we grow in cubes, we grow in cos or sin. 

I know stepping back into this darkness of the unknown, that I will once again see a glimpse of joy, of hope. I must take a risk, a leap of faith and trust that fortune will be found in areas where it is meant to be found. 

As for this girl and her instagram, I wonder what she finds joy in. I wonder if maybe she recognized me as well. I wonder how hard it is for her to keep a straight face as she makes eye contact with others. Maybe it’s not a conscious act. Maybe it is. I find coldness in first impressions absurd and I find the absurd to be a beautiful fact of life which drives us towards a triumphant end. 

To hope and to all the things in between. 

[avoidantrecovery]

AvPD & The Relational Self

There is one core aspect of AvPD that get's severely ignored imo, and which might be a key to actually solving it: The Relational Self. I'll be quoting from this article (Some people feel so utterly alone it’s as if they don’t exist by Kristine Dahl Sørensen) a lot, because I've been thinking about it a lot.

What is the Relational Self?

It's essentially the part of ourselves that forms in relation to others. We all grow up getting feedback from those around us, parents, friends, teachers, bosses etc... And this feedback reflects back on who we are, who we become and who we understand ourselves to be. It is vital for forming a fully-fledged "self" that is able to independently interact and go through life. We develop it through in person interaction with other humans, it completes us.

Most of all, we believe that our findings underline how the way we humans come to be ourselves is always relational, [...] We grow and develop our sense of self in interplay with others; through acting, reacting, talking, telling, and listening. Source

What does this have to do with AvPD?

My belief is that us with AvPD never actually managed to form this Relational Self properly. Something went wrong as we were growing up and derailed us from our path. And there are many reasons: overly critical parents, peer rejection and bullying, discrimination, any kind of abuse that is relational and focused on a person's self essentially. Our skills to interact healthily and properly either wither or don't have the chance to form in the first place.

I think that then also breaks with our ability to relate to our selves and others, we form anxieties, shame, avoid relational activities, mask and pretend, spiral into depression.

For those who struggle to participate in these exchanges, the self that doesn’t become shared can become unknown, unnamed and hidden, frightful and considered as something that can’t be accepted or trusted. Source

And then we are left as empty husks of ourselves, unable to relate and interact truthfully (without masking) with other people. It's not even that we are lying, it just feels empty without a mask. We as AvPD's lack(ed) something pretty crucial that Sørensen puts very well:

Aloneness was more than loneliness. They longed for something never experienced: the felt sense of being yourself through another person. Source

Conclusion

And I think I can truthfully say that this is true for me. I have had periods where I've had friends, but because I always mask (without knowing it) they don't know me. Hell, I don't know me, as dramatic as that sounds. And sooner or later I ghost, because pretending is exhausting.

I have come to close to experiencing myself through someone else, but I've always avoided (lol) it. Because the fear is that there is nothing here to see or experience. I remember when I had little crushes and they gave even a hint of reciprocating, aside from gently rejecting them or self-sabotaging, I always wondered: What do they see in me? This was not low self-esteem, because ironically enough I have quite high self-esteem (not sure how that works either tbh). I just genuinely did not know what it was they exactly wanted or saw in me. I was empty and they would find that out eventually and be disappointed. And I think that this feeling of emptiness, that drives all our other avoidant actions, is an atrophied Relational Self.

It also explains the infamous symptom list that I always found harsh and kind of not helpful. All those things on that list (whether it be the ICD or DSM-5 one) all lead to the Relational Self issue.

Now, the question is, how do I heal with Relational Self? Does this make sense to anyone else?

[tkblythofficial]

How is T doing in general? How is he feeling?

I'll be honest, the energies are quite low here. Right now I see him feeling a lack of motivation and focus, also of rest. This moment in his life is bringing a lot of his insecurities to the surface and it's making him tense and anxious, he's feeling disconnected from his old self. He doesn't handle self-reflection well. He is also dealing with some possibilities and a lot of opportunities at the moment, but the process of making choices is stressful and is leading him down a path of indecision and self-doubt. I sense him questioning himself a lot about whether he's making the right decision. There are a lot of worries surrounding him and he is struggling to find peace of mind. He might also be feeling like he doesn't deserve to be where he is, as if he hadn't worked or dedicated himself enough. At the same time, he is also disappointed because he expected more — from his career and from himself. Yes, it's confusing and I think it's a bit sad that he's putting so much pressure on himself so early in his career. I think he is feeling that his moment has come “too late” and there's a family influence to that. His father also had his work recognized late in his career and it was short-lived, I see him fearing the same will happen to him and that he is now in a race against time. Imposter syndrome is strong here and he must be careful not to self-sabotage. I did a similar reading yesterday and his energy was quite stuck, he was feeling down and unmotivated and he was embracing it. Today, I drew a Page of Wands which might indicate that he is doing better and looking for ways to bring his drive back. He knows he has a passion and is trying to rekindle that and reconnect with his creative, positive side. The Six of Cups also indicates that he is feeling nostalgic and holding on to past memories as an outlet for the stress he has been experiencing. I believe these are childhood memories, specifically. Reminiscing about happier times is bringing him some comfort right now. He may also be trying to be more in touch with old friends, but I don't see him trying to open up about what he's feeling with any of them, which is a shame. Talking would help him feel a lot better than trying to deal with everything on his own.

Anyway, this was a simple read. There's not really any “tea” going on, but I saw you asking this question and thought it was a good start. Let me know if you guys have any more questions!

“I'll be honest, the energies are quite low here. Right now I see him feeling a lack of motivation and focus, also of rest.”

He has a lot of projects lined up for the next year. Hope he’s taking care of himself mentally.

“This moment in his life is bringing a lot of his insecurities to the surface and it's making him tense and anxious, he's feeling disconnected from his old self. He doesn't handle self-reflection well.”

Noooo 😭

“He is also dealing with some possibilities and a lot of opportunities at the moment, but the process of making choices is stressful and is leading him down a path of indecision and self-doubt. I sense him questioning himself a lot about whether he's making the right decision.”

Omg I can see him getting offered many projects and struggling to say yes to the right ones. Or feeling like he can’t say “no” so he says yes to everything because he wants to do it all.

“There are a lot of worries surrounding him and he is struggling to find peace of mind. He might also be feeling like he doesn't deserve to be where he is, as if he hadn't worked or dedicated himself enough.”

That’s crazy since we can see his hard work through the years and how seriously he take acting

“At the same time, he is also disappointed because he expected more — from his career and from himself.”

He’s just getting his start 😭 he’s doing amazing so far

“Yes, it's confusing and I think it's a bit sad that he's putting so much pressure on himself so early in his career. I think he is feeling that his moment has come “too late” and there's a family influence to that. His father also had his work recognized late in his career and it was short-lived, I see him fearing the same will happen to him and that he is now in a race against time.”

I can see that. Him feeling like he’s too late (it’s not) and he might be comparing himself to other actors in his age range and feeling like he’s not on their level (in terms of opportunities) yet.

“Imposter syndrome is strong here and he must be careful not to self-sabotage. I did a similar reading yesterday and his energy was quite stuck, he was feeling down and unmotivated and he was embracing it.”

I would love an updated reading after Cannes to compare energies 👀

“Today, I drew a Page of Wands which might indicate that he is doing better and looking for ways to bring his drive back. He knows he has a passion and is trying to rekindle that and reconnect with his creative, positive side. The Six of Cups also indicates that he is feeling nostalgic and holding on to past memories as an outlet for the stress he has been experiencing. I believe these are childhood memories, specifically. Reminiscing about happier times is bringing him some comfort right now. He may also be trying to be more in touch with old friends, but I don't see him trying to open up about what he's feeling with any of them, which is a shame. Talking would help him feel a lot better than trying to deal with everything on his own.”

He said he’s been to therapy, I wonder if he’s doing going or stopped? He might need a therapist again just to have someone neutral to talk to as he deals with fame. In many of his readings, it seems like he loves his rise to fame but misses how simple his life used to be

Thanks for sending in this reading :) what do you want your tarot name to be? And feel free to look through Orange’s tag and take questions!

[musicgoon]

Book Review: Who You Are, by Judy Cha

Have you ever felt lost in your sense of self? Have you ever felt out of place in your purpose in life? In Who You Are, Judy Cha writes a guide on internalizing the Gospel to find your true identity. Centered on the Good News and generous in grace, this book will help you understand and apply biblical truths about your God-given identity.

Released from Shame

Judy Cha (MA, Westminster Theological Seminary, Ph.D, Eastern University) is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships, self-image, and multicultural issues. She serves as the director of Redeemer Counseling Services, a ministry of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City. In addition to leading the counseling ministry, Judy counsels individuals, couples, and families through her Gospel-centered Integrative Framework for Therapy (GIFT) approach.

Cha weaves her personal story into the book, and I was most moved to hear how important it was for her to be accepted into mainstream Western culture while growing up as a minority. Assimilating by speaking without an accent and learning mannerisms and fashion trends was familiar to me. Cha says that we long for acceptance from others and depend on outside information to define our identity. When we feel like we don't fit in, we reinforce the message that we're not good enough. This gripping sense of shame can only be eased when we go to God for our identity.

Idolatry and Engagement

I was most interested to read how idolatry is connected to our identity. Cha defines idolatry as any object, person, or pursuit that becomes more important than God in our lives. Further, she describes deep idols as our innate desires for power, control, approval, and comfort. Our surface idols are the tangible objects, persons, or pursuits that become idols, such as money, career, sex, or children. I reflected on my own idols, and my leanings toward both mastery and avoidance tactics. I resolved to relate to God with my identities, seeking his strength and assurance.

I was most challenged to see that we need to engage with God. Cha says that we must receive the comfort and compassion of Christ, remember Christ on the cross as our substitutionary sacrifice, rejoice in Christ’s resurrection and in our new identity, repent of our sinfulness and grieving our brokenness, and reflect and represent Christ as his ambassadors. I am eager to explain my experiences with God by using these words.

A Child of God

Towards the end of the book, Cha gives several guidelines for practicing vulnerability to connect with others: consider what you want to share, consider who you are sharing with, lead with sharing your fear or how you are feeling, and ask for what you need. I am motivated to be more emotionally connected in my relationships.

This book gives a framework for finding your true identity, with practical help from a professional. It is grounded in the Gospel, and will help you grow in Christ. You will experience and enjoy what it means to be a child of God.

I received a media copy of Who You Are and this is my honest review. Find more of my book reviews and follow Dive In, Dig Deep on Instagram - my account dedicated to Bibles and books to see the beauty of the Bible and the role of reading in the Christian life. To read all of my book reviews and to receive all of the free eBooks I find on the web, subscribe to my free newsletter.

[jiessicas]

07.24.23 notes on shame (or, on going through it then, going through it a little less so now)

i love to arrive, but hate to leave, which makes me late to things very often

because you and i are soft-bellied, porous (and so, permeable) beings, the feeling inevitably re/arrives through a new entry point, at which i always text you, "i feel like i've let myself down," it's the kind of feeling that magnifies the sense that everything i've done is "inadequate and embarrassing"

*haphazardly signs a cross over a former catholic.... to the beat of macarena*

i get a partiful invite to an event titled party(roommate lead gen event) and think, oh yeah, the city churns on, someone is leaving someone else, this is a thing that happens, though this time last year, leaving felt like a big deal

there's always someone moving out, someone new to the city, someone leaving their pristine furniture for recology or some other kind of reclamation

letting the words back in allows for more surgical operations, precise rewirings

being able to get out of my head when i dance is freeing, allows me to sidestep chronological time for a moment, is what allows me to continue on into the day

and i hope i can return to my words, my thoughts, without being subsumed by them, knowing there are other spaces i can depart for -- but i always want to come back

walking so i can arrive somewhere, even if it's home

an "ask polly" column's lines that have given me so much this year: "shame is the opposite of art" / “living in reality means becoming a scientist of shame…my shame makes my work possible” / “learn to treat yourself the way a loving older parent would”

louise gluck: at the end of my suffering / there was a door

marcelo hernandez castillo: the gift is the practice / the price is the door (my recording)

lucille clifton: and i taste in my natural appetite / the bond of live things everywhere (my recording)

morgan harper nichols: and you can still / find peace / and grow / in the wild / of changing things

in/consequential / as if there was a kind of retributive causality to live through

i feel psychologically, physically, unsettled from recent visits to the doctor, and a recognition of so many more things i want

in the past shame has felt like a punishment for joy -- shame freezes, makes every action tied to a deterministic reaction, casts the past as only a series of mistakes, casts X physical pain as not just a consequence, but a punishment, as if there was a kind of retributive causality to live through

it manifests in different ways; it seems, in what i've seen of you, the vulnerability is in disclosure, in giving a glimpse into the self; for me, the vulnerability is in receiving, in not turning away from others i hope to connect with, others who treat me with such kindness i don't intuitively believe i deserve

you text me lots of sweet, encouraging things, to which i reply - "the focus does feel like it’s more helpful when it’s on what it reflects of us and how we respond to adversity / the uncertainty is always daunting but that sense of dauntedness is a fear i won’t be able to figure it out [end up ok] just bc i can’t predict the future and that’s Fine"

there's another note on time i want to piece together, but for now:

july 2021 was heavy, july 2022 was heavy, july 2023 is steadier even if i don't know where we'll go from here -- <3

and left unsaid: there are many other things that happened between these julys that has made this current unfolding possible:

the homes that we made together, even if those homes no longer are the case, being carried and held by those homes into today

the unbelievable luck of something that feels like being thrown what seems like a life vest, out of nowhere

sometimes, in my not shutting up, bringing about pleasantly unexpected new paths / reaching toward, making my own luck in smaller ways

finding recommuning being with people who are grappling with similar things as me, having the great luck to grapple together