#when i identified as nonbinary i really disliked how i was seen. i like being seen as a guy better

[our-lesboy-experience]

hiii!!! so uh, this is sorta about 'contradicting' (?) identities in general, but i only recently found out about, like, lesboys and gaygirls and all of that, but what is it exactly? like how does it work? or is that weird to ask? i'm trying figuring myself out but a lot of stuff i've seen doesn't exactly... explain it (or explain it well), and while i guess i do get why, it's just kinda hard to understand it myself for my own identity

also, probably a question you get a lot in a hating way, but isn't the definition of lesbian nonman loving nonman? so then how does lesboy work? like is it for people with more complicated gender identites, like fluctuating genders and bigender? just genuinly confused, my apologies...

sorry for not getting to this sooner- been busier lately and didn't have the time to collect everything I needed to respond!

About what it exactly means to be a lesboy or a gaygirl ('turigirl' is the more common term, 'turi' meaning turian, another word for gay attraction to men. so I'll be referring to it as that from now on), there isn't exactly....one right way to call yourself such. it really depends on the person, but I can give you a basic definition and a list of common reasons someone may call themselves such

im gonna put a read more because this ended up being super long so sorry

lesboy is a term for any lesbian who may have a connection to manhood and/or masculinity. turigirl is just the opposite of that, a gay person (mlm/nblm) who may have a connection to womanhood and/or femininity. common reasons I've seen are:

being multigender or genderfluid

being cusper/in between trans and cis gnc (in between trans man and cis gnc woman, in between trans woman and cis gnc man)

being a system who uses lesboy/turigirl as a collective identity or when identities blur together

a person who uses man/boy or woman/girl as a means of masculine or feminine gender expression but not actually identifying as such

being a trans man/ftm or a trans woman/mtf who still identifies as lesbian or gay for personal reasons

those are far from all the reasons, everyone has their own unique experiences, but the gist is these people may have some sort of connection to manhood/womanhood while still having a queer attraction. personally, I'm multigender, genderfluid, and transmasc. lesboy I find is a nice label to express being both my bigender self and being a lesbian, as it forces people to acknowledge both without separating the two. it's cute and makes me feel validated!

as for "nonman attracted to nonmen" definition of lesbian......it has its issues. it's received criticism all around from all sorts of lesbians in the community. this definition is very new - it emerged only in the recent years, and someone on twitter had date searched it and found it didn't even really exist before 2019. and having that as the one and only official definition that every lesbian has to abide by, when lesbian is a centuries old word with so much history behind it, is a bit ignorant. people who are multiple genders or ftm or bi being lesbian is not even remotely new, going back decades upon decades, and it never stopped existing too. It's a bit weird to have a whole new definition that doesn't include all sorts of lesbians that have been here for so long and just tell them they're not welcomed anymore, right?

that's not even close to the only issue there is with it. it's been disliked for centering lack of attraction to men, or defining lesbian in relation to men, rather than who we're actually attracted to. putting nonbinary people in a new binary of either being "men or nonmen," which not all feel comfortable putting themselves into. especially when considering a definition of gay being "nonwomen attracted to nonwomen," man-woman bigender people are simultaneously excluded from being both lesbian or gay. It inherently overlaps with mspec identity ("attraction to nonmen, which is more than one gender" and "any orientation that involves attraction to more than one gender" kinda obviously overlap), despite people insisting that a lesbian can never be mspec. people have found multiple loopholes in it, (which I can elaborate on if someone wants me to, for the sake of trying to make this as short as possible), and lastly, and term "nonman" (and nonwoman) were found to have existed before to describe the degendering of black people in society. this isn't the only source I've seen for this, but sadly I can't exactly find it (or find it without going back to that hellsite called twitter and I'm not doing that to myself)

oh and as the link points out, defining lesbian by these words also ends up excluding a lot of two-spirit people from ever identifying as lesbian, myself included. which is also really racist. I don't know how you're gonna end up excluding a whole cultural gender that's common for indigenous americans to describe themselves with and try to prove it somehow isn't racist, to be honest

and lastly, some surveys/polls have shown that the definition isn't the most widely accepted by lesbians as people make it out to be. there's this simple poll that someone posted asking how lesbians felt about the definition that received 1,529 responses, and 61.1% of voters said they disliked it. comments gave lots of reasons I've stated already. there was another survey put out that received 211 responses that for any lesbian who had a genderqueer or unique relationship with gender, and one of the questions asking opinions on the "nonmen loving nonmen" as a definition. the average among the group was slightly negative (average 2.838), and reported that the group who tended to feel the most positively about it didn't consider themselves to be trans, with the other positive leaning group considered themselves to be somewhat cis. the group that felt the most negatively sometimes considered themselves to be trans. and of the multigender participants, the average opinion was 2.255 (more negative than the overall average). When concluding, the original poster stated, "When divided by gender, the only groups to feel positive about this definition were "not trans" and "somewhat cis" participants. Multigender participants felt especially negative about this definition"

all of this shows that this definition isn't nearly the best for everyone who considers themselves a lesbian. I know it's been a way to include nonbinary people who are lesbian in it's definition, but I think it really misunderstands why nonbinary people are included in lesbianism in the first place, and just assumes that all nonbinary people aren't men and fails to recognize that multigender/genderfluid people are nonbinary too. and it's not like lesbian has to only have on definition- it can definitely have multiple and depend on each person's experience with it. if someone personally defines them being lesbian around being a nonman attracted to nonmen, and takes pride in not being attracted to men, that's totally fine. what becomes a problem is forcing all lesbians to define themselves like this and make it the standard, or else they're "not real lesbians." it is ahistorical and ignorant to require this or else you'll strip them of their lesbian status, and is really at the end of the day, lesbophobic. especially as a requirement that primarily exists in online spaces. im sure the lesbian who is not at all connected to these circles doesn't particularly care about strict requirements or whether someone is a "nonman" or not. in conclusion, it is not the best nor most accepted definition of lesbian, and deciding which lesbians are valid or not based solely on that definition is pretty exclusionary and ends up policing a lot of lesbians, myself included

[superkirbylover]

kinda a stupid question so i would understand not answering it but what was your assigned birth gender?

again you don't have to answer if you don wanna i was just curious

nah i don't mind at all! hope you don't mind i elaborate a little too

i'm AFAB (assigned female at birth). despite this, i never really identified with being feminine. my mom was like this too; both of us can be described as tomboys. we have moments where we do like being feminine and present as such, but for the most part we're neutral or masculine. in my case, though, i definitely leaned more masculine.

i'm sure i've told this story a thousand times, but i like telling it: when i was on scratch (and later, roblox), people often didn't realize what my gender was. my mic quality was poor and i was at the ripe age of 11, where boys and girls would sound really similar still. people would hear my voice, and either refer to me with "he" or "she." i used to correct people on this, but because of how common it was, i stopped. i wasn't sure why, but i thought it was funny that people were confused on my gender. hell, i laughed when i first called with scratchU8 and BenDaMan (now known as nebita) on skype. nebita thought i sounded like a boy, and scratchU8 admitted the same. it's a time i look back fondly on. this trend continued with future friends, and while i corrected them, part of me wish i hadn't. so, a year later i told my friends a few things: don't call me a queen, don't call me ma'am or any feminine terms. basically, treat me like a boy in everything but call me a girl if needed. my friends did their best to do that. they would sometimes say they forgot i was a girl because of how i acted, and i would say sometimes i wish i was a boy.

i don't remember when, but i believe when i was... 16, i was starting to hear about other identities outside of being transgender. i heard of being trans when i was 12, though knew little of it. all i know is it meant if you are trans, it means you were once a girl and now a boy and vice versa. when i started to hear about other things, like nonbinary and etc, i tilted my head. there was a classmate at my school who said they were genderfluid the previous year, but i was unfortunately caught in the anti-sjw youtube era so i thought it was just a ploy to go "ha!! you assumed my gender!!"

i looked up these alternate genders, and i remembered the genderfluid classmate and looked up genderfluid, reading about it. and when i read that it could mean that someone felt like they were a boy, a girl, neither or both at the same time, a switch clicked in my head. "yeah!!" i thought, "this is how i feel!!" i didn't dislike being a girl and certainly didn't desire bottom surgery (or top surgery at the time), but i liked being perceived as masculine. i regretted when i corrected fans of mine on my gender because it would mean one less person using he/him or they/them. i hated being seen as a girly person, but i didn't loathe my womanhood. it's why i felt neutral being called a woman and "ma'am" but felt more connection with being called a man and "guy."

that day, i put she/he/they on my bios. and it hasn't left since

[himboskywalker]

SPEAKING of omegaverse Tag I’ve been wanting to ask you what it is about a/b/o that you like so much and are especially drawn to?im very picky for my a/b/o and you somehow always get it exactly right so I’m curious what you look for in your omegaverse content?

Oof this is a complicated question for me actually lol Keep in mind I’ve literally been reading a/b/o since it’s origin in the Supernatural fandom on LIVEJOURNAL. I read the first a/b/o fic,I was in the fandom space and on the forums when it emerged,so I have quite literally followed along with it since it’s inception,and have kept tabs on its various evolutions through the years and through the different fandoms I’ve been in.

Originally it was much more about the animal characteristics and what I was seeing was very coded into werewolf verses or other creature societies very similar. What drew me in originally was a lot of those animal instincts of dominance and submission,especially with the alpha biting to enforce submission. As everyone on here knows I really really like biting,it’s kind of intrinsically tied in with my views of eroticism,so anything that heavily features biting kink will have my full attention. It’s why I love vampire content so much,or a lot of creature content.

I also have a really strong sense of smell,and in the more creature focused a/b/o fics,and then in Teen Wolf when a/b/o was interwoven with werewolves,scent played a big part in their characteristics. I really really like scent based stuff,in real life the way a partner smells is a large part of my attraction to them,it’s usually one of the first things I notice. For a lot of people,even if they don’t realize it,scent and pheromones play an important role in attraction. I love universes where this is played up,and scents become,not just a more blatant form of attraction,but also a vehicle for characterization and even communication. In a lot of next generation a/b/o the scent component has veered away from the wolf stuff in the OG omegaverse,but it’s something I hold onto and love. Like the force in Star Wars,it offers an opportunity to me as a writer to explore an alternative form of communication and recognition between characters.

At its core a/b/o is a really fun way for me to explore dom/sub dynamics too and in fact the dom/sub universes you see in fanfic now stemmed from omegaverse. There’s something about these sexual preferences being instinctual in these verses that made my own exploration for these wants and preferences somehow safer for me to accept when I was younger. And being able to read stories where a submissive male partner isn’t mocked for wanting these things while also being able to be a strong and independent person helped me realize a lot of things about myself that I always found confusing.

And on that note when done right I thing a/b/o is a wonderfully subversive and unique way to explore gender and gender roles. When I wrote conceal me what I am it was intrinsically interwoven with trans and nonbinary themes and was a very safe way for me parse through my own emotions of how I perceive myself and how the world perceives me. In all,exploring a submissive male character with certain cis female sexual characteristics has been a decade long process of coming to terms with my own gender-fluid ness,and being very comfortable with it,when I think without certain fictional avenues,I would have had a much harder time wrapping my head around it and how I perceive myself.

I think maybe what you see in my a/b/o writing,and what others have seen in it,is my dislike for feminizing male characters that I use as a vehicle for gender and sexual exploitation. This is no hate in any way to writers who do,there’s nothing wrong with it,but it’s something I always found personally distressing without being able to articulate why. More recently I’ve been able to identify that I find being feminized distressing,even though I identify as a woman some of the time.And so I find reading a male character being feminized as distressing because of my own life and raising. I like a/b/o as a means to look into the other,into the liminal inbetween and the hard to identify and parse outside of the rigid gender structures society has given us. So when I go into an a/b/o story with a wanting for that exploration and then it’s a projection of typical heteronormative gender ideals onto a not typical heteronormative dynamic,I find it upsetting. So in my own writing I avoid that at all cost. Again this is not a judgement of anyone who creates or engages with content that does embrace that,I don’t view it as a moral failing in any way,it’s simply something I don’t like and so something I specifically try to circumnavigate in my own art. Or when I do explore the intervening of male and female and other,it’s in a way I understand and perceive the world,and so is a comforting navigation of things I myself am unsure about or don’t quite understand.

It doesn’t have to be this deep. All a/b/o doesn’t have to be a societal deconstruction of gender and sexuality and queer coding. Sometimes it’s as simple as mmmm inherent attraction because of instincts sexy. It can also be mmmm character smells good BITE BITE BITE. It’s what you make it and what you find meaning and/or pleasure from. There’s thousands of interpretations of a/b/o because it’s a wonderful vehicle for exploration of many things. This is just my own relationship with it.

[vampelune]

strange thing is that i identify so much still with the Experience of being a woman, with femininity, but i do not want to be a girl nor be seen as one, but i also dont want to be seen as identical to cis men because that feels diminishing of the life ive had to live and still do live

but i also despise the way t*rfs treat this experience of myself and many other trans men/transmascs as some kind of gotcha against trans people and transfems

like no, it is not woke to treat me as if i am identical to cis men and therefore become automatically misogynistic & benefit from the patriarchy, because i dont and likely never will, i don’t desire to pass perfectly as a cishet man, i desire to always be visibly queer and therefore i will probably always be seen as “lesser” than cis men, even non-passing. i will always carry the trauma of living 20 years of my life as a girl and the other 2, so far, being non-passing trans and still assumed female by Every stranger ever.

but this experience and desire of mine isn’t an excuse to rip on trans women for being “””socialized male””” and therefore not “””really women”””. 

i wish i knew how to articulate this weird feeling i have about myself, maybe it’s part of being nonbinary for me, but i don’t think i’ll ever be able to disconnect from being afab/living a majority of my life as a girl, even if i want to be seen as a boy now. it’s part of why i really identify with “funny” terms like girlboy or joke about being a fujoshi, or still refer to hanging out with my female friends as girls night. its just like Really hard to completely disconnect from the fact that 20 years of my life were spent being a girl

i usually categorize in my head as similar to how cis gay men tend to act about femininity/female friendship, but i think that’s underselling how much more visceral it is for me as a trans gay man. to desire to be on par with cis gay men in terms of how i’m viewed, to enjoy femininity from the perspective of being a man -- dumb things like playing female characters in video games, stanning female celebrities, referring to myself as girlie/one of the girls -- but knowing that i Have lived as a woman makes it feel a lot different.

i don’t dislike it. i view it as an integral part of myself. but that’s in the quiet of my own thoughts, or in the cushy space of online trans existence. when i’m outside, around other people - mostly cis people - it feels like it’s something i should be ashamed of. Like i should be striving to be perfectly cishet passing.

not sure if any of this makes sense. im just saying shit fr. point of the post is im a girl boy. i look like this with he/him in my bio and whatever

[opinated-user]

You know, before Lily's Steven Universe video came out, I remember watching a stream of hers where she was editing it together, repeatedly doing takes to sound angrier and angrier about things. But the thing that turned me off of her and her content wasn't that. I never believed her shrieking was genuine, I had always seen it as performance meant to be comedic. What turned me off of her was her shit talking another content creator, SF Debris. Why? Because he has always been open about the fact that while he understands what women are and aren't aesthetically pleasing in traditional senses, the only person he ever felt attraction to in his life is his wife, and he's never had any desire to have romance with anyone else. Also it took him about five years to realize he was attracted to and in love with the woman he then asked out and ended up married to.

Now, to anyone else on Earth, there's nothing offensive about any of that. While SF Debris has never used any labels to describe himself or identified as such, a lot of his viewers think of him as being on the ace spectrum. Lily, though, has one major disagreement with him, which is that her least favorite Star Trek series is his favorite and her favorite series, he calls out for dismissing murder when it's done by the good guys.

So Lily went off on a tangent when someone (who presumably didn't know Lily hates being recommended things and cannot be rational about someone else liking/disliking a thing she dislikes/likes) recommended she watch his video on the Star Trek Deep Space 9 episode Profit and Lace, in which he tears apart the transphobia of the episode and the grossness of how that episode handles misogyny and feminism, and Lily. lost. her. shit. She went on a rant about how SF Debris isn't really LGBT (he's never claimed to be) and he's lying about his supposed lack of sexual attraction and everyone wants to fuck. That's a phrase she used that really made me uncomfortable. Everyone wants to fuck. He must be lying when he says he's not interested in having sex with anyone other than this one person. It must be virtue signalling, it must be lying, it's manipulation, he's manipulating the audience by playing an unrealistic saintly persona, and the kicker, that he's probably sleeping with underage fans.

I'm not ace, but I know a lot of ace people, and I just found that so uncomfortable, this idea that they're all lying, that they're trying to trick you so they can sleep with you. I'm trans and that's what people in my country say about trans men and trans women and often nonbinary people, too. Queer people (which I count him as, even if he has not used the term for himself) aren't lying to you in order to get into your pants. Queer people aren't secret predators. If you don't like SF Debris' videos, that's fine. I dislike most of his Gundam videos and I don't think his Enterprise analyses were very good or in-depth. That doesn't mean he's lying about his sexuality so he can fuck people and it especially doesn't mean he's suddenly into children! And it's even worse in context because his twin sons are disabled and he's mentioned worrying about protecting them from predators because the stats for abuse from people outside the family are much higher for disabled kids. She saw a queer-ish man and declared him a predator even though fear of predators is something that plagues him to this day due to his kids' disabilities. She saw an ace-ish person and declared them a liar automatically.

I don't like Lily. She's still trans and bi. I don't like Keffals. She's still trans. I don't like my Intro To Buddhism professor, he's still gay. People don't become liars once you dislike them. And while I do believe Lily is a predator, that took years of evidence to make me believe, I didn't go from "I don't like her content" to "she's a pedo" because those two things are not related. Your gender, sexual orientation, romantic orientation or lack of those things are unrelated to your actions, and it is predatory action that shows us who a predator is.

That was the day I quit watching Lily's videos. The way she talked about this guy who is on the ace spectrum was so fucked up that I couldn't excuse it or rationalize it away. Because it wasn't recorded, I'm sure she'd deny it ever happened. But the way she said "everyone wants to fuck" as if it was written in Scripture or an undeniable fact is burned into my memory. It was said with the certainty that queerphobes have when they say "there are two genders" or "you can't change your gender". It was said with the same 'you're ridiculous for suggesting otherwise' dismissiveness and disgust.

Ace people, you are valid. Demi people, you are valid. If you are only very rarely or never attracted to someone and never or rarely feel romantic connections with people, that is not a lie and you are not secretly gross or bad or wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone not being into sex or romance and it's not a character flaw of any kind.

I've been noticing an uptick in TERFs and radfems saying men can't be ace lately, that that's a trap meant to lure you into sex with them. So maybe that's why this is on my mind lately. It's so much like her take on this guy that when I hear aphobia I think of Lily.

I'm not ace but my heart breaks for ace people. Just for living their lives and being honest they're viewed as predatory liars.

You'd think a trans woman would know better than to treat others that way.

i'm going to go ahead and also assume that person has never interacted with LO or spoke a word to her. that's some serious unhealthy level of projection that LO really needs to work on.

[writinandcrying]

Hihi! I was wondering if you could do a matchup for a male character for ROTTMNT if they are open and or possible👀i have never done this before so please forgive me if I left out anything important- if your requests are closed then feel free to ignore and or delete!

I am 5'5", trans!masculine (i also identify as nonbinary and a demiboy) and i use he/they pronouns (dysphoria sucks..) I am pansexual but sometimes i have a preference towards men. My personality type is INFP and I dislike any form of social interactions, avoiding them the best i can. I can sit down and work on something for hours at a time and forget to do things such as eating or brushing my teeth before i go to bed but i also have trouble sitting down and working on other things such as homework. I would say physical affection is definitely confusing with me, one minute i could be wanting affection and to be held or to hold someone but the next minute i don't want to be touched at all. I am have pretty bad sensory issues😶 My love languages are Physical Affection, Words of Affirmation, and Acts of Service. I love drawing and listening to music along with making music myself (via singing, playing piano, playing guitar, etc.) I act differently around certain people, if it's a close friend i will most likely show my true emotions. If it's just a friend i might mask my emotions slightly. If it's not a friend, i don't show any emotions that relate to how i actually feel. I have really dark humor and an example was how i was watching an anime episode and one of the characters was referring to a dead character and said "Look, it's a dead person." And i started crying of laughter. As for anything that can relate to ✨insecurities✨i hate how i look, my hair is fine but i have been told i have a very round and baby-looking face, which i hate. I also hate how small my hands are, i am constantly reminded that they are small and it makes me very insecure to the point where i often walk with my hands in my pockets. I wear glasses since i am V E R Y farsighted and since i am a nerd for my own favorite topics i am often told i look like the nerd emoji (this one:🤓). I am just very insecure but will most likely bottle up my emotions and not let anyone know until someone says something even slightly kind about how i look.

I hope that this wasn't too much or too little or if your matchups are closed! I have never requested a matchup before hahah- i hope you have a very lovely rest of your day/night wherever you are! <3

Hi there! Sorry for taking so long to reply :(

I ship you with…

Casey Jones Jr!

(Obs: I have yet to watch the rise movie (I want to finish the series first, anyways I like to torture myself) BUT! I’ve read enough about him and seen some clips which I think I can grasp a bit of his personality, also idk what truly happens at the end of the movie but I’m guessing the turtles defeated the kraang and Casey now lives with them lol - if not, that’s what happens on this scenario!!!! anyways !!! I hope this makes up for it and isn’t too ooc!!!)

Casey has a really hard time fitting in, since being raised on a apocalyptic scenario, understanding new social cues on a “regular” / normal time line is really difficult, he finds he can be himself around you quite easily, and he tries his best to show you can also count on him whenever you want

He will remind you to take breaks when you hyper focus on whichever task you have in hand, he might even join in sometimes or ask if he can watch you work! (He finds your concentration face really cute) but yeah breaks are a must, he doesn’t want to see you overwork yourself

Also talking about our face: doesn’t matter how much you trash talk about it, he doesn’t agree with it, and he won’t stand it, at first he might be a bit taken back to make comments about it, but during the kraang invasion, those little sweet moments of admiring someone’s facetasse absolutely out of the picture, you just didn’t had the privilege or time for these kind of things, Casey has learned that you features brang peace to him, he caught himself thinking about each and every curve of your face, so no, he doesn’t agree with it. but you bet he will snort/laugh when you tell him about the 🤓 emoji analogy, it’s his favorite emoji now, loves it dearly

If the guys (turtle) ever tease about your body being “tiny” compared to theirs, Casey will step up to defend you, he’s not really the one for confrontation regarding the turtles; but he def has a soft spot for you, if you are ever having a difficult day with dysphoria, Casey will def try his best to help you in any way he can, you have become incredibly important to him and even if he gets shy, he will show it, Casey has lost too much way too soon, if there’s something he treasures it, he will go far and beyond to keep it in his reach

This was very brief, but once again I don’t want to go too overboard so it doesn’t come as ooc 🥲 but I hope you liked it!

Matchups are closed!

[omegaji]

I have been asked to make a dear-creator for non-jadecest (for kidfic exchange treating purposes) and I will Gladly do so

I like any LWJ ship he is my blorbo, but I especially love shipping him with JC and/or WWX 

I am mostly here for omega LWJ content so consider all of this omegaji 👀 

Likes:

Alpha WWX

Grumpy lwj

8-9 months pregnant LWJ

LWJ with twins and triplets

Just LWJ with LOTS of babies

LWJ crooning at his kids, scenting them, cuddling them

Breastfeeding

Angst (happy ending or not)

High drama, intrigue, mystery, horror

Unhealthy relationships 

Dislikes (aside from DNW on my request):

Alpha lwj

CQL canon or designs or anything

More in depth likes / prompts / musings (i’m making these all wangxian but if you wanna make it any other ship i will eat it whole):

40-something LWJ and 20-something alpha WWX and lwj has kids already and wwx wants to seduce him and has all these fantasies of knocking lwj up and lwj is eventually like “if you want me to engage with your breeding kink you have to show me that you have what it takes to parent. Go tell my 14 year old that she can’t go to that party this weekend. I’ll be listening.” Like Hercules and the 12 labors 

LWJ hires WWX as a babysitter for him while he’s in heat. WWX can be alpha or omega. Up to you if Things happen 👀 God this would be a fantastic one for voyeurism  

LWJ having fucked up mother-child relationships like he breastfeeds his kids for way too long and babies them even when they’re teens or adults. WWX can be an enabler or tries to gently pry him away lmao

Wwx comes back and LWJ has several kids already (previous ship or like a sperm donation thing like the one ive written about before in that JC/LQR fic) and he can’t keep up his act or care about lwj being his enemy in his past life bc the kids are all so much like LWJ except like maybe One Crazy One and he cannot handle how cute and funny it is. Amazing one to make lwj heavily pregnant in 👀

Omegaverse preferences

Intersex male omegas and female alphas

Gender and dynamic is assigned at birth rather than presented at puberty

No betas (the rare sigma or other variation of O and A is interesting, and also beta as a non-assigned dynamic but similar to nonbinary gender IRL is interesting)

A and O have noticeable physical differences; omegas on average are shorter and curvier and have softer features, alphas on average are taller and more bulky when they gain muscle and sharper features

A and O to have on average personality differences associated with societal upbringing/socialization (this doesn’t necessarily mean i like my omegas submissive and my alphas dominant, but that they on average tend to be if that’s how society demands it and if someone does not adhere to the gender and dynamic rules then there’s either some kind of consequence or at least it’s noticed)

Basically, I like A and O to have similar effects on people as M and F have in IRL society, so there’s 4 assigned genders (AF, AM, OF, OM) rather than 2

Alpha women and omega men are sort of in-between in terms of social hierarchy and can choose to present masculine or feminine (more-so in the modern era) and it’s seen as normal, they can use whatever gendered terms they identify with

Claims/marks are not permanent and need to be renewed periodically

No capital C Commands

People in heat or rut CAN control themselves, but it is just really difficult to go against what their instincts say

[cistematicchaos]

hello so it may seem so weird that it's coming from an anonymous person.

moreover online but i really wanted to try getting some answers with people that i think have gone through what i have?

so i usually have gender dysphoria when i am utterly uncomfortable with my body to the point it gets itchy and i want to peel off my skin...when i thought i didn't feel assigned to my gender, i researched and researched until i found "non-binary" and i thought "this sounds like me" and felt content with that. Until recently and even right now, the dysphoria came back again and it has me wondering: why don't i feel satisfied with what i am? i don't think I'm trans but it's not like i don't mind being masculine? am i being fake? am i genderfluid? but I'm not a man though? but it's not like i wouldn't mind beint referred to as either or neither at the same time? does wanting to be both feminine and masculine the same as being female and male? am i worried over nothing? i feel hopeless right now . i just thought it wouldn't come back but it did..am i being a fake because im back to being uncertain about my gender?

it just feels like im trapped and suffocated because i don't fit in with the world nor societies description of what makes a man a man and what makes a woman a woman.

if that makes sense

starting off, it’s not weird to ask those questions online or anonymously. it’s personal and can be hard as fuck to talk about and I really don’t mind at all. <3 also i’m so sorry this is long, this is just all stuff i really relate to and it was hard to condense my thoughts. 

also, i’m just clarifying so i’m sure we’re on the same page. the definition of trans is not exclusively identifying with your sex/gender assigned at birth. some people don’t identify or prefer the term but just bc you’re nonbinary doesn’t mean you’re not trans. you can be both.

moving on, i definitely don’t think you’re fake. if you’re fake, so am i. \o/ these are ALL questions i’ve asked myself and occasionally still do. being insecure/questioning your gender doesn’t mean you’re faking it. sometimes it’s just anxiety/internalized transphobia, sometimes it’s because you don’t think YOUR experience lines up with others you’ve seen or heard about.

i thought ALL this shit. found nonbinary, thought ‘oh shit here i am.’ i thought it would solve everything. i’d found what i was, job done, right? but my dysphoria didn’t go away. and what i liked and disliked shifted and in someways, putting a name to it all made me feel more dysphoric bc i knew what it was. 

but i did a fuck ton of researching, met some other trans people, started experimenting more. even if some of it was just in my head-not just with pronouns, but names, clothes, makeup, jewelry-i did research into physically transitioning, hormones, tucking, packing, ect, other labels. I still haven’t found anything that completely explains my gender and i don’t think that’s because I’m faking; it’s because we’re a diverse community and gender means something different to everyone, even if you share labels. nonbinary just means “i’m not a boy or a girl” to some people and to others, it means “I’m agender/bigender/genderfluid,” to others it means “I’m trans but not in a strictly man/woman/girl/boy way.”

but what was also tripping me up was the stereotypes. the ideas that nonbinary people HAVE to be androgynous, that they have to use they/them pronouns, that they can’t identify with or present in a masculine or feminine way, can’t call themselves whatever “gendered” term they prefer. The ideas that nonbinary people aren’t trans, that they can’t physically transition, that they can’t use whatever pronouns they want, that their gender had to be neatly explainable in a way everyone would understand and stay that way forever.

Let me tell you what I wish someone had told me: all the rules are bullshit. Yes, I do mean all of them. Throw them in the trash. Feminine, masculine, androgynous-Those are all terms you get to define for yourself. You get to choose what you call your gender, how you feel, the way you present, even if what feels masculine to you is what others call feminine or androgynous and so on. You get to choose what nonbinary means to you. Genderfluid too! You don’t have to be a man to be genderfluid; it literally just means your gender shifts/changes sometimes. But whatever you choose, it doesn’t have to make perfect sense; if you choose nonbinary and for you it means you’re everything and nothing and indescribable all at the same time, there you go. If being genderfluid means trying hormones or makeup or something different every day, there you go. YOU decide.

You don’t have to fit anyone’s definition of any gender but your own. Gender is a fucking MESS. Male, female, feminine, masculine-They all mean different things to everyone. I’m not trying to say ‘oh lol one day when you’re older this will make sense-” because that’s not helpful and not even necessarily true. I’m saying fuck all the stereotypes and find what makes you feel right. 

Some of us are dysphoric our entire lives, for many different reasons. Some of us because we can’t transition, some of us because we live around transphobes, some of us just because minds can fucking SUCK sometimes. I still get dysphoric now, even though I’m more secure in my identity. But I’ve learned what helps is focusing less on what feels wrong and instead trying to find things that feel right. Try out things you’re curious about, read about them, find people or characters that make you think ‘omg i want to look like them.”

Even if what feels right changes all the fucking time, cling to that. Even at my most dysphoric, it helps to know that there are things that fit even if they don’t seem at all connected or change week by week. It’s okay to be scared, to be insecure, to question yourself, to ask questions, to feel like you have no answers at all. It doesn’t make you fake, it just makes you another human trying to find their way through the fuckery. 

you’re not worried over nothing, you’re dysphoric and anxious and that’s perfectly normal. i struggle with it too. I hope something in this helps and feel free to send me more asks or even DM me. it doesn’t bother me at all. 

[tea-and-la]

You’re right, it is very annoying how some people (usually a certain brand of Zukka shippers) insist that Zuko HAS to be gay and Toph HAS to be a lesbian.

I mean we all know that the only reason that they think Zuko HAS to be gay is so that people won’t ship him with women instead of with Sokka.

I also find that a lot of Zukkas will insist that Mai, Ty Lee, Toph, and sometimes even Suki and/or Yue all HAVE to be lesbians. You know what all of those girls have in common? They all canonically dated or expressed romantic interest in Zuko or Sokka. Connect the dots.

Obviously not everyone who has those headcanons is like that. People can and should be allowed to headcanon characters however they want. Personally I view Zuko as bisexual and Toph as straight (none of the popular F/F Toph ships appeal to me and I generally find that portrayals of her as LGBT aren’t to my tastes because some - not all - people who headcanon her as such will often exaggerate her masculinity/androgyny far beyond the extent to which it exists in canon in order to make her the “man” in the relationship as well as ignore that the reasons for her gender nonconformity are heavily tied to her trauma and disability and have very little to do with sexuality, which is something that squicks me out. Also dislike how society at large seems to really hate the idea of GNC women being with men because that means they’ll be forced to reconsider their perception of gender roles within M/F relationships). However, those are just my interpretations.

"it is very annoying how some people (usually a certain brand of Zukka shippers) insist that Zuko HAS to be gay and Toph HAS to be a lesbian."

yes exactly! i'm all for people having their head canons, but there is no reason to shame others because they have a different one than you. it reeks of privilege because no head canon is more "right" than another. and also, why are we gatekeeping characters from having other lgbtq+ identities that other fans can identify with? seems very exclusionary to me.

i think the thing that bothers me about zookas is that they will take scenes like the jinko fountain scene and use it as "proof" that he's gay. bc zuko hesitated at first and also because he pulled away and ran away. like, there's so many other reasons for that, including the one that's actually, ya know, canon. zuko was nervous. it's his first teenaged date, so ofc he would be a bit awkward about it. not to mention that he is a decent enough person to not want to complicate a girl's feelings for him because she doesn't know the real him. he even says in the tale of the earth kingdom novelization that he likes this girl. and he says in canon that he had a nice time. that's not to say that people can't head canon what they want, but to say things like "there's no het explanation for this." there's literally several, actually.

another thing that i've seen is zookas use the "zuko gay" in response to zutaras, but then they'll also simultaneously ship m*iko. and it's just so obviously a bias/convenience thing because if you hc him as gay (which is fine), why would you like a ship of him with a woman??? just say you hate zutara and go.

back to toph, because i've been meaning to speak on this for a while. so toph is my favorite character and i head canon her as nonbinary and pansexual. it is actually partially through my appreciation of toph's character that i realized that i was nonbinary. so when certain people gatekeep and confine her to one identity because of stereotypical traits and behaviors, i take it very personal.

none of toph's popular F/F ships appeal to me either, but i do see her as LGBTQ+. i have to agree that the way she is masculinized does cause me significant discomfort, especially wrt to people who do so to limit her "desirability" for aang.

i also find that a lot of people will head canon aang as nonbinary or GNC (i do as well). so in the case of toph being lesbian, she could potentially still be attracted to aang. so why then, do people act like it would just be a het relationship? it doesn't make sense. they're both queer as fuck. not to mention that i've had to endure months on twitter with people saying that kateeng is wlw (which gives me the HIVES) because aang is nonbinary. so suddenly, when it's taang, aang's a straight man and/or toph would have to be straight. these people talk themselves into circles i swear. it's just easier to admit that you want aang only for katara than to sit here and come up with flimsy excuses.

i wish people would just admit that they don't think toph is feminine enough for aang. i've seen so many shitty takes about how toph would be abusive to aang and always hurt him, or that they would argue a lot (which is comical because kateeng canonically has 3 big fights.) it's just upsetting how toph is treated and perceived by certain people in the fandom to push their agendas.

for me personally, i see aang and toph as nonbinary pan. so i see their relationship pretty much free of gender roles and they are equals. they already have a good foundation for childhood friends to lovers. i just don't get why people hate taang so much and would instead rather invest time in a ship with a side character from ONE comic (no offense to any tophl*ngs out there, but the ship literally gives me not one fuzzy feeling.) in lieu of her best friend that she spends two seasons with, has multiple interactions with in the comics, etc. i feel like this is mainly because toph isn't perceived as "shippable" and is cast to the side, which sucks because she's my favorite character.

[kingwuko]

I just heard someone say Wuko is only shipped by straight ppl. And then they went on to say korrasami is only shipped by the gays as if the majority of Wuko shippers don’t actively enjoy korrasami too. Like first of all I’ve seen a lot of queer ppl (including myself) ship wuko. Secondly they act like wuko shippers won’t touch korrasami with a ten foot pole. When it’s the complete opposite. There are so many fics/ fan art that have both pairings in it. It’s like if you dislike the ship just say so and move on instead of covering a chunk of the fandom in a cishet blanket. Sorry for ranting I just have to get this off my chest bc holy moly this is bothering tf out of me

Ok. So at first I was going to answer this quick and simple, but then my brain started thinking about the history and context and it made me wonder if it goes deeper than people not liking the ship and wanting to dunk on it for being "for the straights". Is there more to it than that?

I agree with you. Wuko is not just a ship for straight people. And Korrasami is not just for queer people. And many people ship Wuko as a companion to Korrasami or vice versa, so it's really not accurate to say one is for straight people while the other is for gay people. There's a lot of crossover, regardless of one's gender and sexuality. And it’s kind of exhausting to be told something is “for straight people” and then feel like you have to ‘prove’ you are ‘queer enough’.

All that being said; I wonder if the person/people making this claim has to do with the history of straight women fetishizing gay men, in real life (like the cliche trope of the “gay best friend”), and in anime/manga fandoms (are "yaoi fangirls" still a big thing?).

It's a complicated topic that I don't have a full handle on, so I’m not here to give anyone a lesson on it. I just do my best to listen to the experiences of gay men and avoid behaviors that fetishize or infantalize them. Maybe if we look at it from the perspective of someone has been directly harmed by the fetishization of gay men, I wonder if it could be a defense mechanism to write it off as a ship as being for straight people?

In the real world, there isn't a lot of solid representation of popular, original content depicting gay men in a positive way. Much of the mlm fanwork out there is made by women, for women. Not all, just a lot. A lot of those women are attracted to men- either straight or bi. You can see how hard it may be for a gay man trying to find content that represents his own, lived experiences when much of it made by women who, consciously or unconsciously, create content that is made for other women who are attracted to men.

So, maybe it's just someone who doesn't like the ship, or feels Korrasami is a superior ship. Or maybe it's coming from a place of valid cynicism from the history of straight women fetishising gay men in online fandom spaces. Lesbians and bisexual women have been harmed by exploitive pornographic content made for and by straight men, so I can fully empathize with gay and bisexual men feeling similarly harmed by fandom content.

For the record, I ship Wuko and Korrasami. I am queer. And I identify as a woman. (Maybe. I might be nonbinary but my questioning my gender is not a topic for my Wuko sideblog 🤣). So lots of people, of all genders and sexualities, ship Wuko. I think the important thing is to enjoy the ship and all the fanworks while paying attention to the way we portray them-are we enjoying them as fully developed characters, with realistic flaws and strengths and interactions? Or are we turning them into caricatures of what we imagine gay and bisexual men to be and exploiting the ship for little more than its sexual appeal?

Thank you for reading as I got way off track from the original topic of your ask! You are queer, and you ship Wuko. Someone else implying that you're not queer enough because you ship a pairing that's allegedly for straight people isn't ok, and your queerness and place in the LGBTQ+ community is valid. I have a feeling lots of the followers of this blog also identify as LGBTQ+. Thanks for coming here to get that off your chest. I hope you are able to move on from that comment and be at peace with it! Now go read some fanfic with Wuko and Korrasami!

[systemvault]

Pinned Post

DNI: under 18s (body age), TERFs, transmeds, and anyone using ‘sysmed’ to describe DID/OSDD systems unironically.

I use the block button liberally, as I’d like to carefully curate who I interact with on this blog for my own mental health.

General Info

DID/OSDD system with no collective name. Some alters are fairly differentiated from the host, some are more like fragments.

The body and host (🍵) are 25+, nonbinary, and use they/them pronouns as a catchall. I think of myself less as a collection of multiple people and more as one severely traumatised person who had to split off in many directions.

I don't really vibe with most online system culture and have a deep dislike for some of the ways in which DID/OSDD is being treated as analogous to being trans/nonbinary, or treated as a fun unique disorder where you just have lots of friends in your head or whatever else. 

I often find that my experience resonates more with people who have OSDD than DID, or who are questioning their experiences, despite having the amnesia required for DID. People with OSDD are more than welcome here. I know how alienating wider DID spaces can be.

Stance on Syscourse

Not syscourse-free, though I stick to reblogging posts that are focused on correcting misinformation rather than calling out or harassing people. I do not believe that endogenic plurals are systems, or that they should be using the medical terminology of people with DID. Generally speaking I think most endogenics are more likely to be people with OSDD/DID who have been deeply misinformed or mistaken about the nature of what they're experiencing.

I recognise that many people who identify as endogenic systems will find that invalidating; if you're endogenic and reading this, I encourage you to read up on DID/OSDD and ask yourself if you experience the symptoms of it - not just plurality, which isn't exclusive to DID/OSDD in of itself, but dissociation and amnesia too. I also encourage you to keep in mind that while DID/OSDD is caused by early childhood trauma, that does NOT mean that you have to remember having alters as a child. This disorder is covert; it hides itself by design, especially when you're younger and less able to reflect on your own behaviour and experiences.

I've seen many endogenics claim that while they have childhood trauma, that's not what formed their systems - but that's not how it works. Your system may not form in childhood in a way you can now recognise, but the inability to integrate your personality into one cohesive whole did form in childhood. That's what makes systems possible.

Again: plurality itself isn't unique to DID/OSDD, but systems of alters are.

I generally try to avoid interacting with endogenic and other non-traumagenic plurals where possible on this blog, but respectful discussion between endogenics and DID/OSDD systems is something I think is important. I wouldn't refer to myself as "anti-endo" so much as like... I would rather that this was a space where I only interacted with other systems rather than plurals as a whole.

While I'm open to respectful chatting with endogenics here (and I'm always chill with them outside of Tumblr/Twitter tbh), anyone who uses the word 'sysmed' gets blocked immediately. It's horrific, as a trans person, to see people comparing us to transmedicalists. There are a lot of resources out there on why that isn't even a remotely accurate assessment and I encourage anyone using that word to look into that. Traumagenics are not oppressing anyone when they point out that their trauma disorder comes with more than just a feeling of being multiple people, that it requires early childhood trauma in order to exist, or that systems deserve their own spaces that don’t overlap with non-traumagenic plurals.

All of this said, people who actively harass endogenic blogs who are minding their own business and staying in their own spaces are not welcomed here. I think minding our own business is generally just a good way to behave online, honestly.

[syr-annalightwood]

So @ti-bae-rius recently shared some of her takes on Anna Lightwood, highlighting her gender and sexuality, which I highly recommend reading! Her post focused more on biases in general and is really great, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts about Anna through a more personal lens as a nonbinary wlw as well.

CW: Non-explicit discussions of sex and sexuality of adults, both Anna’s and my own personal experiences. I won’t be going into any detail about the sex (other than it was had), but if you are uncomfortable reading about adults sex lives please do not read this.

So there is a major trend in the TSC fandom where people seem to feel that the characters they like must be “morally pure” to some extent. Or that characters can be flawed but there is some line in the sand on what is acceptable and what isn’t, especially when it come to queer and nonwhite characters. Obviously there is such a thing as harmful stereotypes, but in my opinion people sometimes take this to an extreme wherein any character that doesn’t abide by their own subjective morals is “bad rep”


When people are trying so hard to prove that their favorite character is at all times morally righteous, or on the other hand, morally wicked, you have to make moral judgements on character actions that inevitably, people have made in real life. When you draw that line in the sand on what isn’t an acceptable flaw, you run the risk of telling real people who relate to these characters that they are unacceptable, their story is undeserving of being told, they are a villain.


So let’s now make this about me, lol. I’m 25 years old and I’ve lost count of the amount of sex partners I’ve had. It is probably somewhere in the mid-forties. I became sexually active at 20 years old, I’ve never been in a serious relationship, and I enjoy having safe sex with different people. No one is going to convince me that it’s morally wrong, and no one is going to convince me to feel ashamed of myself. 


People don’t usually outright say they have a problem with Anna having a lot of casual sex partners. They usually hide this by pretending their issue is about her “little black book” of conquests. Even if having casual sex with multiple partners is okay, she shouldn’t brag about it, or angel forbid be proud of it. They think she shouldn’t keep a diary or record of this “totally fine” behavior. Why not? What’s so wrong with keeping track of the people you’ve slept with?
 How does this harm others or herself?

I never kept a little black book myself, and I’ve actually forgotten many people’s names and faces. I guess I have a record to an extent, as I probably have the majority of people I’ve slept with numbers’ in the contacts on my phone, but without any identifying features - like Anna specified she has in her “memorandum book” I don’t remember who most of who them were.

People will also say their issue is with how Anna treats her “conquests”, that she uses them or misleads them. But if you look at the context we are given, Anna is an unrepentant flirt who makes no effort to hide that she sleeps around, and no promises to the women she sleeps with. She doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she is seducing them. Her crass way of talking about it goes to show even more that she isn’t trying to trick anyone. You may dislike her attitude, but that doesn’t make it harmful or sexist.

It’s said that many of the women fall in love with her regardless, but I don’t see how that is her fault. I am assuming that all these women are adults, who on top of being able to make their own decisions and interpret others intentions, should be able to respect other people’s boundaries. Anna’s boundary is having a serious relationship. Why should she have to feel bad for enforcing that?

And to those who claim she is unkind to them, I would say there is a difference between kindness and niceness. It was more kind of Anna to brutally break up with the woman on her doorstep than to string her along, even if she did it in a not nice way. But she even said she tried being nice about it before and the woman wouldn’t listen, so she had to be cruel to get her point across.

I wasn’t planning on addressing this, but when I reread Anna’s parts from the book I had more thoughts about it, so… the accusations of racism to me seem to possibly be blown out of proportion to excuse disliking her character. The only evidence I’ve seen of Anna being racist are unconscious micro-aggressions. If that is all it takes for a white person to be an irredeemable racist, then all white people are irredeemable racists. Which if any POC do believe, I do not hold it against you and it is not my place to tell you otherwise. And if I am missing any more overt racism I apologize, and I am open to corrections.

While I would love for Anna to learn more about racism and her own white privilege, I don’t honestly see that as likely to happen. And if any POC see the micro-aggressions as hurtful enough to dislike her character, again its not my place to tell you that you are wrong, nor do I think you are wrong for feeling how you do.

But I do wonder if as I said, the racism aspect hasn’t been exaggerated to excuse disliking her character. Because you can also just dislike for no moral reason, simply because you dislike her. And you can dislike her just because, while also thinking that she’s racist, without that being your justification. I’m really not trying to police how anyone feels, just talk about it.

With all of what I just said, I am also not trying to convince people who dislike Anna to start liking her. I am more asking that you stop declaring her a horrible person because you dislike her and how she behaves, but even with that I don’t have any expectations. People are free to feel how they want about any given character, they are free to determine their own morals, they are free to say whatever they like. But please allow that freedom to people who disagree with you as well.

[princeandhisboyfriends]

Yo low-key the idea that nonbinary sapphics/lesbians have to be woman-aligned in presentation and/or identity when cis* butch lesbians can feel how they want via gender and expression is fucking wack y’all.

nonbinary identities are rarely that simple. I id as sapphic most of the time(my attraction fluctuates with my gender identity). It’s never really been my experience that being queer is something so specifically and only personal. My queerness is vastly political and largely presentational, and sometimes that means being a woman or even fem aligned just isn’t in the cards but that doesn’t make me less sapphic. The only thing that makes me less sapphic is when my attraction wanes altogether, and even then there’s other types of attraction.

Queer, sapphic, lesbian, butch are rarely and rarely have been only personal. To act like it has to be for nonbinary people is just gatekeeping, and often only an excuse for why you don’t want to date masculine ones the same way that people coming up with a reason why a show is problematic are often only trying to justify why they dislike it through a moral lens, often because of acceptable queer politics among other things. You’re allowed to just not like things, you’re allowed to not be attracted to people, you’re allowed to not want to date people, but that doesn’t mean that their identity, their validity, or their presence in the community is wrong.

It often feels like I’m being told to put my identity as sapphic before my being nonbinary, even though if I told my friends I ided as sapphic they’d tell me otherwise. It’s just such a nonissue, when there’s active rampant racism and homophobia and transphobia and sexism. Squabbling over the definition of an identity that has been changing for decades isn’t gonna change anything in the end.

I should mention that I’ve seen most of these debates in regards to people who would and sometimes did have to medically transition in order to be seen as fem aligned, so a lot of it seems to be terf bullshit anyways, but a few of y’all have taken it to heart.

* bc butch means different things to different people, and for many that does not necessarily mean they identify completely as a woman but the point is more that their lesbianism isn’t nearly as doubted or debated despite them being masc aligned, in online sapphic circles.

[i-am-just-a-kiddo]

favourite male fictional characters

Thank you @vishcount​ for tagging me, this was a lot of fun! 💞 I originally planned to follow your example and put ten characters here but suddenly it became a lot more oops. also i hope you forgive me for following your format, it’s neat 

I am tagging @isabellaofparma​ , @the-cloud-whisperer​ and @sassyassassy​!

I chose the characters that impacted me deeply on a personal level throughout my life (often shown by how long my love lasts over the years and if i was inspired to write for them). 

In no specific order under the cut: 

Legolas

The Lord of The Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien. 

I think it’s only fitting I start off with this magnificent guy. Maybe I gotta admit, i’ve just had a crush on him ever since I was like, nine years old? He’s the character I will fight tooth and claw for (though I guess he doesn’t need me to do that). I love Orlando Bloom’s portrayal of him, eventhough he is vastly different from the books. Book Legolas is such a delight as well, he feels so whimsical and playful and his banter with Gimli is just gold. I was sad when The Hobbit trilogy came out and I was so disappointed by how they butchered his character, it just did not feel authentic anymore (maybe I am also just bitter about the forced hetero storyline for him. makes no cents, this elf is GayTM your honour. and he will meet his soulmate Gimli in a few decades).  Either way, Legolas is the love of my life, thanks for coming to my tedtalk,

Peter Pan 

Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie

Another childhood crush of mine. The gif I chose if from the 2005 movie because we always used to watch it and it is to this day one of my favourite movies. It’s so dreamy, so magical, yet also incredibly sad and sweet.  I have this very strange fascination with Peter Pan. There is something incredibly unsettling about him, especially in the book. He represents something every child wants - who doesn’t want to escape their bedroom and fly away to experience magical adventured far from the adult world? And yet he also represents the impossibility of it, the curse he carries around with himself because he will forever stay alone, no matter how many lost boys he gathers around himself. And Wendy - it’s a love that was never meant to grow and mature, it’s a fleeting dream for the both of them.  I have seen many different adaptations of Peter Pan and I have my favourites, though I want to give a special mention to the book Peter Darling by Austin Chant. It’s a retelling of the story how we know it, in which Peter returns to Neverland after having finally grown up BUT the main points I want to highlight is trans Peter? Heck yes. Gripping and compelling gay love story with our favourite original lost boy Captain Hook? YES. 

Snufkin

Moomins, Tove Jansson.

I have discovered Snufkin for myself only last year, and yet I know he will stay with me forever. In short - I vibe with him, he vibes with me. His anxieties about being with people and longing for solitude? His fear of being loved and being important to someone to a point he doesn’t know what to do with himself? This man just wants to roam freely with his own mind and yet he always returns for something that captures him. Mum, I love him because I have rarely felt this seen before. Also, Snufkin said ACAB. 

Prince Jing - Xiao Jingyan

Nirvana in Fire (2015)

This too is a darling I have only discovered recently. I watched Nirvana in Fire this year and let me tell you, it’s the best show I have seen in a long while. It’s absolutely amazing and it also ripped my heart out. All the characters are absolutely amazing and I am still not over it.

To be honest, I contemplated between Xiao JIngyan and Mei Changsu, because character-wise I think the latter is a lot more interesting and compelling. He makes for a fantastic heartbreaking and flawed protagonist.

However I have to admit - it was love at first sight with Prince Jing for me and I’m still lowkey mad abt it rip. Seems like I am not immune to Pretty Prince Propaganda. But apart from that, I adore him for his genuine

goodness,

his almost naive drive to be better and seek justice. He lost everything, and for the longest time did not have anything to fight for. So alone and lost and bitter, it makes me sad how much it hardened him. He is heartbreak and clumsy kindness hidden under a skin of scars that was inflicted by his father and many others. I see his sad cat-eyes and I cry, that’s just how it is.

Edmund Pevensie

The Chronicles of Narnia, C. S. Lewis

I grew up with these books and movies - they have always been part of my life and it will probably always stay that way (only last night I rewatched the first movie and sobbed).  Imagine my surprised when I finally watched the last movie about five years ago and was incredibly impressed by how they adapted the book; also imagine my brain suddenly going CASMUND in bold letters at Skandar Keynes’ and Ben Barnes’  performance in that movie.  From there, I rediscovered this story completely anew for myself. My favourite Pevensie sibling has always been Lucy (and still is, because I identify with her so much and she feels like home to me); however this new discovery of Edmund’s character was overwhelming. It’s interesting to see characters you’ve grown up with from a more grown up point of view. I don’t want to lay out all my thoughts here, just know I am so heartbroken for him, and so so proud as well. His character arc is amazing and maybe that’s how the last movie makes me even more emotional. Seeing Edmund and Lucy still holding on to Narnia but knowing that that door was closing for them? Not to mention what happens in the later books (we don’t talk about that).  Also did I mention Casmund. Here, have my incredibly emo and depressing take on Edmund’s character that I started writing four years ago and which will forever stay a WIP. 

Nie Huaisang

The Untamed (2019)

My son. My soul. My bane of existence. The tragic thing about him is, that he does not really exist in canon as I have created him for myself. He’s a secondary character in the show, always so relatable yet still brings the ultimate twist of the story, yet he still remains this incomplete shadow. The movie

Fatal Journey

gave him a lot more and I cried tears of joy and devastation. I don’t know why I latched on to him so much, but apparently he is the one that I project on, the one that feels like he sits somewhere inside my chest. I don’t know what else to say - this year he has been everything to me. I spend a lot of time in his head while writing, and maybe that’s how he’s there forever now. Nie Huaisang saw my brain and went it’s free real estate. All my love for you, you dramatic art hoe.

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Ah, another lifelong companion. There are many adapations that I adore - starting from the origin of it all, the books and stories which I have all devoured; the 80s adaptation with Jeremy Brett which was incredibly wonderful; to BBC Sherlock which shaped and traumatised me (I still like the first three seaons but I am too hurt to think about it); to the numerous movies -  but by far my most favourite performance is Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes. Somehow he manages to capture the Holmes I see in my head when I read the books, the sharp yet polite eccentric detective, who loves his companion so much and who has desire to help others.  Sherlock Holmes will always stay special to me, in so many different ways. He shaped my youth and I know he will stay with me. (also what would you say when I told you he helped me discover that I can, in fact, be queer AND ace at the same time? thanks pal).  What else is there to say? Sherlock Holmes is a universe that you can dive into and find many amazing treasures. 

Isak Valtersen 

SKAM (2015)

There he is, the boy that changed my life. SKAM changed my life. All of the characters did. However, Isak is special for many, as I imagine. I remember winter 2016, when tumblr was flooded by these norwegian white boys kissing in a pool and cuddling and I was like ‘nah’, this doesn’t look convincing.  I don’t know what changed my mind but I remember sitting down at last and watching all that was released of season three and it was only downhill from there. I remember starting to follow the real life updates religiously while watching the other previous seasons in between. The one clip that completely wrecked me was when Isak went to the school nurse about his struggles with sleep - it felt like for the first time I saw someone on screen that could understand me on so many different levels. The entierty of seaons three is so personal, I would tell you to go watch it if you don’t know what I mean. The entire show in fact. It’s a masterpiece and it feels so real. This show impacted my life in a way that no show has managed to do before. I miss it so much. I miss Isak too sigh. 

Shang Xirui

Winter Begonia (2020)

Technically, for me personally, Shang Xirui is the nonbinary, gay and ace representation I need in my life (or at least that’s my own personal take on him), but since that is not official, he’s still here on this list. Of course he is because wow, it’s been a long while since I’ve seen such a compelling character on screen. I went from disliking him to being absolutely heartbroken over him. I don’t think any other character in this show captured me as much as he did. There are so many layers to him and discovering all of his sides is a wonderful, heartbreaking, painful and also beautiful journey. I’m not sure I understand all of him yet, but I am willing to try and dig and just ponder his existence. This too, is a perfect example for a flawed yet authentic protagonist. Also he is the most beautiful thing on this planet, or at least that’s how I have been feeling ever since I watched this. I wish to write more of him in the future. 

Aang

Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005)

I grew up watching ATLA and my favourite characters have always been Toph, Zuko and Uncle Iroh. In recent years however, I completely fell in love with Aang all anew. 

I think especially in the past, I had these prejudices against main characters and found them all the most boring personalities ever. In recent years this changed a lot and especially Aang is a prime example for that. Watching him from the perspective of older me, I find so much wisdom in this young boy. Somehow he represents all I wish to be in my life but at the same time he shows his flaws, he carries this sadness with him that will accompany him all his life. This inner battle and chaos that he has to face day to day and in the end - he is just a young boy. So much has been taken from him and yet he learns how to not let it overtake him, that anger and hurt. He tries his hardest to be better than the day before, even if sometimes the world crashes down on him and he gets overwhelmed. He is a child recruited by adults to manage their mistakes and play into the hands of predestined fate and in this essay I will -

Harry Potter 

Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling

I am surprised myself. I thought I would put Fred and George here, or Remus and Sirius, however I realised that none of them quite capture this feeling of lifelong change, of personal, deep impact that Harry had on me. 

As with Aang above, I used to think Harry was the most boring protagonist, yet my opinion took a 180° turn in the past years. Many of the things I wrote for Aang apply to him too - the fact that he was a child, that lost so much, and was always faced with challenges that a child should never have needed to face. Something I want to address is how my favourite book, The Order of the Phoenix, lays all of this out. Harry is just as flawed, just as vulnerable and angry as anyone else. I know some people did not like his ‘emo behaviour’ in the fifth book but for me it just showed how human he is, how he was just a teen like myself at that time. As for many, this boy shaped my entire life, shaped a generation, and I will forever be grateful. I’m sad and angry at how J*R behaves, and how she puts us in the position of doubting our love for these stories. I know I will always love them, but I will not turn a blind eye on all the problematic shit is carries with itself and what the author piles upon us. 

Lan Wangji & Wei Wuxian 

The Untamed (2019)

I will try and keep this short, because if you want to read my thoughts about Wangxian just go to my ao3 and find the  over 70k i wrote for them.  I decided to put them here together because I can’t seperate them and I can’t choose between them. Each of them carries something I recognise in myself, and each of them is the opposite of me. They each own my heart and soul and I know there will never be a fictional couple like this for me ever again. They’ve snuck their way into my heart and have never left. They deserve to be here, together, because my love for them is indescribable. Bless them.  + Bonus:

The Doctor

Doctor Who (1963/2005)

Technically, the Doctor doesn’t count as a “male” character, but since he has been presenting as male up until recently, I needed to include him. I chose the Tenth Doctor because he is the one that broke my heart the most. I adored Nine but he was there too short, and I do love Eleven and Twelve a lot, and Thirteen absolutely owns my heart, Ten has just always been the one that made me cry the most. I loved this era of Doctor Who, I loved how sad and hopeful he was, how heartbroken and yet determined to help wherever it was needed. Doctor Who is always that show, when I return to it, I am reminded that maybe, humanity and the universe isn’t all that bad. 

phew, this took ages damn. but i had so much fun! i decided to leave out honorable mentiones because we would be sitting here until tomorrow lol. 

[houseofglass]

Some thoughts on The Stand, 2021 version on Amazon Prime. There’s spoilers, but dammit the book was released ages ago so buckle up.

I haven’t finished the series yet, I have two episodes left. But this was burning my fingertips so I had to type it out.

I read The Stand by Stephen King back in the late ‘80′s. It was released in 1978 and re-released somewhere around 1990 as an ‘uncut’ edition. The editor had decided to trim the book so it could sell better. My mom looked at the uncut version and said, “If the editor cut 150,000 words, there’s probably a reason.” I agreed with her - Stephen King’s best work was his novellas, not his long novels.

A television series was released in 1994. I thought it was earlier because the character Randall Flagg has a mullet, but nope, IMDB tells me that the above date is correct.

I remember most of the details of the book and series, although the series helped me to see the final battle properly. King didn’t describe it in a way I could understand at all and was confused until the show came out. I felt similar when reading The Handmaid’s Tale. I had no idea what the costume looked like and those hats were nothing like what I imaged from Atwood’s work. I try to keep these examples in mind while writing my own novel.

So when this new iteration of The Stand appeared on my radar, I made a point of watching it. But, alas, there are some problems.

1. Nadine must remain a virgin until she can meet up with Randall. Really? It’s 2021. A person’s virtue is not determined by the use of equipment between their legs. How does remaining a virgin make someone virtuous? Why is she allowed to participate in any other sexual act but not penetration? And why does this only apply to women? Is a man’s virtue intact if he doesn’t insert his penis into someone? No! Why? This also tangles the issue of nonbinary people. What if a woman has a penis but hasn’t used it? Is she virtuous? If a man with a vagina hasn’t used the equipment, is he virtuous? Does this stem from the ancient, outdated idea that people with penises masturbate because they ‘can’t help it’ and people with vaginas don’t because they ‘can help it’?

This might have been okay in 1978, but that was 43 years ago. I need to pause here and clutch my aging heart because I can remember 1978. Whew! Okay. 

This virtue bit is core to the show because Nadine must carry Randall’s child. But I feel like this could’ve been tweaked to better represent the times. Especially since the book takes place in the future, not present.

2. Las Vegas features rampant sex. This, in and of itself, doesn’t bother me. I’ve watched Netflix and HBO. I’ve seen sex, both integral to the plot and gratuitous. What bothered me was twofold:

A) The sex featured was public (in a nightclub, but still public) and people wore what could be described as BDSM gear. Lots of belts, black leather, fishnet stockings, lingerie, that kind of thing. This bothered me because they’re portraying ‘nightclub sex’ as something that ‘sinners’ do.

These people are in Las Vegas, on Randall’s side, therefore are the antagonists to the plot. Randall represents the Devil, where Mother Abigail in Boulder represents God. So people who enjoy public sex in a safe environment are sinners? In 2021? Similar question, so people who enjoy BDSM are sinners? In 2021?

B) The implication that if this kind of sex is allowed in Las Vegas, it wouldn’t be in Boulder. There, people have ‘vanilla’ sex, right? Not much is featured, but what is (or what I noticed) was hetero sex. I don’t recall seeing any poly couples in Boulder, or same-sex couples there. Why not? If they are there, why aren’t they more obvious? I tend to notice and am thrilled whenever I see nonbinary people in relationships or two men holding hands, but I didn’t notice it in Boulder.

3. There's a whole lotta white people. Other skin tones were sprinkled in, but not in the quantity I’ve become accustomed to. Since the diversity rider appeared for Canadian shows, I’ve noticed a much wider range of actors and it’s been delightful. I love seeing a First Nations person played by a First Nations actor. I love that I’m shown wonderful hairstyles for kinky hair. I love the intermingling of skin tones in relationships. This has become so normal to me that when there’s too many white people I notice, and not in a good way.

Here’s a sticky point to consider too: if I can’t see the difference in tones because the overall filming filter makes everyone look similar, this is a bad thing.

The main cast of characters is fairly diverse, but the background extras are not. Are they trying to convey the idea that mostly white people survived this plague? That would be insane. If I strain my brain I can recall some extras being on the lighter side of dark tones, but why should I have to strain to remember that? And if my mind is remembering the sea of whiteness, why? Because I’ve set my brain to glance at the background to ensure there’s a nicely diverse crowd, that’s why.

4. The religious aspect is troublesome. Yes, I’m aware that the book was written with religion in mind. The whole story is good vs evil shown by God vs Devil using humanity. I get that. But the Christianity irked me. I’m not religious, but I do know there are more religions out there besides Christianity. None are represented, that I could see. Instead, these characters dream of Randall or Abigail and go to where they feel the greatest pull. Good people go to Abigail, bad people to Randall. And yes, this was fairly well represented by having selfish people go to Randall and those who want a community go to Abigail.

But this is also a problem. No matter how good or bad you are (or think you are), you can change. You can decide to be different. This show pigeonholes people in a way that rankled me, with the one exception of a main character, Harold. He didn’t dream of either person, and was neither good nor bad. He just hadn’t found ‘his people’. I could identify with this facet of his personality because I know my behaviour is weird for some and not normal enough for others. It’s been difficult, trying to fit in to workplaces and friend groups, and is a measure of my neurodiversity and mental illness.

So here’s Harold, trying to be good, but has had a lifetime of not fitting in and not being included. He’s tried and failed. His behaviour is shown as someone who ‘just doesn’t get it’, and people around him tolerate him more than enjoy his company. He tries to be bad, mostly because he’s angry at the world, but he’s also good at heart. When the plague hits, he travels with Nadine to Boulder and joins the body removal crew. He even makes a friend. This tentative, tenuous friendship is torpedoed when Nadine kills the guy.

Harold is neutral, but he discovered the world can be decent. Rather than resolve this and show that there’s a place for everyone, Harold is killed. This bothered me a lot because there are people out there who just need a friend, they need someone who understands them and wants to be around them. Everyone wants that, and some people are gifted with the natural ability to make friends, but some really aren’t. For them, they spend most of their time knowing they’re disliked but not knowing how to fix the problem, or if it can be fixed. Killing this character off felt like a cop-out.

Back to religion. Imagine that you’ve been dreaming of a kind woman named Abigail, so you go to her only to discover that your religion isn’t represented in the imagery, symbolism, or icons. Instead, it’s another religion, equally good, but not yours.

Oh my, also, Las Vegas has no religious imagery that I can recall off the top of my head. There’s no indication of religion other than people nailed to crosses as you enter the city. Does this mean that if you’re religious you’re good and if you’re not you’re bad? In 2021?

This entire debate could have been avoided by not using religion as a base. Yes, it’s faithful to the book to include this aspect, but like I’ve mentioned, it’s 2021 now. Rather than good vs bad = God vs Devil, why not have: people who want to try to live peacefully vs people who want to take over and rule the world? This would be effective when done well.

To conclude, overall the show is not bad. It resembles the book and previous television mini-series quite well. The storyline is a bit current, what with a plague and all, but a lot of it feels so dated that I cringed away from my screen while watching.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant.

[bodtabs]

reposting and pinning this

being a straight black trans guy is really weird. there’s so many intersections of experience, and not in the dumb “technically i can reclaim this axis of oppression” level of terminally logged in lgbt person i mean it in a “going about my life” way.

for starters, idt i ever “hated” being a woman, i don’t really relate to that trans narrative, i just realized it was an identity that became increasingly frustrating to align with and moved on to a label that finally fit me. being a black girl was cool, despite all the social toll that came with it, black girls have contributed so much to popular culture and even to our own communities, so there was no real reason for me to dislike it other than “it just doesn’t feel like me anymore” and i like it that way. i have a very comfortable relationship with both black girlhood and black manhood, if anyone asks i’d probably fall under that “i remember being convinced i was a little boy. not knowing why my parents didn’t see it too and insisted on treating me like a little girl.” narrative that seems to be the narrative a lot of "trans stories that won’t make cis people uncomfortably avert their gaze” media. i had (and still do have) genuine interests in a lot of traditionally masculine aesthetics, music, career paths, and hobbies, but i don’t recall ever feeling disgusted, embarrassed, or insecure parts of my life where i was identifying as / being coerced into woman aligned individuality, and the strained relationship i had with my mother because of these things, like a lot of trans guys (understandably) seem to be with theirs. this proves for disconnect occasionally, between who i want to be and who i actually am, but the more time goes by the less i give a shit about who thinks what. i don’t take shit from anyone as a guy because i didn’t do it as a chick, which leads for a lot of leeway in being comfortable with who i was and who i currently am.

i still have a lot of pleasant associations with being a gay woman, i probably wouldn’t be where i am today without a lot of the gnc lesbians and trans bi women, i still feel a sense of community with that identity (never to the point of being invasive, i hope.) i’m never not going to get sentimental about a woman being happy with another woman, comfortable in their own skin; that’s just how my brain is default-wired at this point. i’m not offended by women (cishet or otherwise) not wanting me in their spaces (it’s honestly more validating than being seen as a defanged token feminist boy who will bring no harm or whatever, i much prefer people hearing about me or holding a conversation with me and deciding what direction they want to take with me based on those things, like you would any other human being) but it’s still cool to know that i can have these feelings– still be deeply involved and still have feelings for this culture i’ve ingrained in myself from a young age– and not feel like an intruder or outsider, despite being a straight dude, i’m always going to have a pretty firm grasp of gay culture and won’t get freaked out by people putting the sex back in homosexual like a lot of cishets and even a lot of gnc tenderkweers tend to get every 3 months. it’s honestly been the side of gay culture that i’ve always preferred lol.

i call a lot of bullshit on this “toxic masculinity intricate rituals” stuff that’s come into public conscious in the last couple of years or so as well, not only was it mostly popularized by MRAs (around the same time as public concious on ellior rodger and incel/chad terminology as well…shoulda been a red flag from the beginning imo) not just because it frames men as the ones who suffer the most due to their own actions rather than the women and children they torture on a daily basis, but it’s also been used to racially pathologize the boundaries and mannerisms i have that my (racist) white partners have been uncomfortable with in the past. your weird entitled impulse to police my body and the way i present myself in a way i genuinely enjoy and am comfortable is not remotely subtle, and the mental gymnastics behind your desires to impress your frat buddies does not excuse you brutalizing women on a daily basis and shaming children to the point they have serious issues coping with a lot of hardships that face them later in life.

the most visible majority of the trans masc community is white dudes and they all fucking suck. they’re terrible to women, trans nonbinary and cis, are either extremely liberal in their political stances or simply never talk about anything relating to it at all (and they all have garbage taste in fashion and music, i know that’s kinda petty but i think i’m allowed to be rude to people who try to make wanting to transition into a humanstuck karkat gijinka a universal experience and hozier and constantly self infantalize and weaponize their own softness while expecting everyone else on the planet to wait on them hand and foot.) i’ve met maybe 3 good white trans guys in my life and one of them i’ve been friends with since high school, it really put me off transitioning all together because i was raised mostly by women and a lot of my idols have been women since i was a kid (and even if this weren’t the case, colonialist concepts of respect / equality / gender in general are very different from nonwhite cultures, so even if i wasn’t constantly in immediate proximity of women or didn’t have any “significant” woman figures in my life it would stil feel very weird and removed.)

none of this, of course, is to imply that black men aren’t horrendously misogynistic (especially towards black women. lbr, mostly towards black women, lol. this is another one of those weird intersections, knowing that misogyny is not exclusively a product of white supremacy but that colonialism has definitely catalyzed it.) or that black men won’t use their race to get out of being rightfully accused of misogyny similar to the ways a lot of white gay people use their sexualities as a get out of jail free card, but i really don’t understand white trans guys like this. i think they realize they’re oppressed and cling to it as a personality trait, and when anyone calls them on it they get really offended cus they have nothing else to fall back on, hence all the gatekeeping and regurgitated TERF rhetoric (which any and all TME people have been guilty of, at some point, and a lot of whom unfortunately are still doing as i write up this post) and truscum antics. this nonsense got so bad that it put me off transitioning for like 5 years.

i’m here now, though, and i’m content with it, so i try not to hold too many grudges about it even if it is a bit frustrating and put me behind a lot of my peers. i’m mosly just focusing on how many doors open to you when you’re finally comfortable in your own skin lol.