#when you're a sad lonely kid there might be nothing better for your heart

[gentil-minou]

Lanuary 2024 Day 2 - Yiling Wei Sect Head Disciple

"Did you know? The Yiling Laozu hadonly one disciple in his lifetime. A boy only four years of age!"

Lan Sizhui's ears perked up despite the rules against eavesdropping. There wasn't much he could do about it while sitting in a crowded tavern. Gossip traveled on whispers like dust in the howling wind.

Surely it wasn't his fault these patrons' voices were so loud? The rules were never clear about this, but better to be safe than sorry. Sizhui turned his attention towards meditative recitation, the way Ba— Hanguang-jun had taught him. When Hanguang-jun returned from the room he'd entered to confer with the inn's proprietress, he would see Sizhui sitting pin-straight and proper, not a hair out of place.

But try as he might, the ruckus from that table was impossible to ignore.

"You're kidding!" one the sectless cultivators said as they slammed their drink down, amber liquid spilling onto the table. "The fearsome Yiling Laozu tried to teach demonic cultivation to a kid???"

His friend's lips curled in disgust. "Yes, it's true. People in this very town mention it all the time. That he dragged this poor kid everywhere with him! Why else if not to teach him how to terrorize everyone."

The third cultivator leaned in to whisper, "You don't suppose he…abducted the child do you?"

Sizhui's heart started racing. He'd heard many stories about the Yiling Laozu, everyone had, of course. Especially since Jingyi had just finished this last phase where he spoke nothing, reading nothing, saw nothing if it wasn't about the Yiling Laozu.

According to Jingyi's rants, though the Yiling Laozu was indeed fearsome and utilized forbidden techniques, they were never for nefarious gains. Jingyi's theories point to him being a recluse more than anything else, a drunkard alone on the hill.

That never sat well with Sizhui. He couldnt explain why, but the thought of a lonely man dwelling on a mountain of graves with nary a living soul nearby, made something like a pit open up in his stomach.

It was sad, he thought. It was sad.

The door to a room meant for staff opened and a man dressed in pristine white robes with an embroidered forehead ribbon stepped back into the room.

Sizhui instantly stood, bowing perfectly the way he'd been taught. "Hanguang-jun," he greeted, keeping his tone level and biting back the urge to smile like a fool at his caretaker's return.

The table of cultivators' silence rang loud as a hush fell over the room. Hanguang-jun nodded his reply to Sizhui and seemed to glide across the room, while they stared after him like gaping fish.

This time their whispers were an actual attempt at discretion. "He'd know right. He'd know if—if you know who really, you know, stole a child?"

"Shh!!! Don't you know? Next to Sandu Sengshu, the one who hates the Yiling Laozu most is…"

Their words trailed off as Hanguang-jun stopped in his path, though his solemn gaze remained rooted on the empty space in front of him.

Sizhui tried valiantly to keep the shock from his face. Hanguang-jun had long ago mastered the ability to ignore gossiping, letting it slide off his person as easily as dew dripped down from a bamboo leaf. Sizhui had never seen him so affected by words. Did Hanguang-jun really hate the Yiling Laozu that much?

But only a moment later, he stepped away and reached Sizhui's side as if nothing had happened at all.

Hanguang-jun gracefully folded his legs and took his seat across the table. Sizhui hurried to pour tea into a cup, taking care to hold back his sleeve the way he'd been taught.

Choosing to ignore what had just happened, he asked, "How was your meeting, Hanguang-jun?"

He waited patiently as Hanguang-jun blew steam away from his cup, cooling his tea before taking a measured sip. Falling back into old habits, Sizhui couldn't help but admire and take note of his demeanor. If he were really shameless, stars would bleed from his eyes.

Hanguang-jun nodded, pleased with his drink. "Productive. You have poured this tea well, Sizhui."

Sizhui beamed, heat rising to his cheeks at the praise.

"And the curse? Has it been resolved?" he asked instead of squealing like Jingyi when Hanguang-jun told him his writing was legible. But only just.

Hanguang-jun hummed. "Mn. The matter has been resolved. We will head back to the Cloud Recesses tomorrow once we've rested."

Sizhui relaxed back in his seat, allowing a moment of discomposure that hopefully Hanguang-jun would ignore.

Not bad for Sizhui's first proper outing as a junior Lan disciple. He was surprised when Hanguang-jun singled him out for a nighthunt, one on one. Jingyi hadn't stopped whining about it for days.

Sometimes Sizhui thought Hanguang-jun showed him too much special favor. But he smiled into his cup all the same.

The elderly innkeeper steps out of the kitchen carrying a tray laden with food. Silver strands of hair slip from her ponytail, shining in the candlelight.

"There! I remembered all your favorites from last time you visited," she winked.

But each of the dishes she placed on the table were redder than the last. Red peppers and red chili oil, even the soup had a shiny spicy sheen on the top.

The innkeeper placed her hands on her hips as she stood up, proud.

Sizhui gaped at Hanguang-jun.

Hanguang-jun's ears flamed red as the dishes he stared down at. A shifty glance—shifty! A shifty Hanguang-jun! Jingyi would never believe this—at the proprietress waiting eagerly for him to try it. When it became clear she wouldn't leave until he took a bite, Hanguang-jun spooned a mouthful of the spicy soup.

Sizhui's jaw dropped to the floor.

In all his years living in Cloud Recesses, he'd never, ever seen Hanguang-jun eat something like this.

Pulling a small cloth from his sleeve, Hanguang-jun coughed daintily into it as he told the proprietress, "Thank you. It is delicious."

"I hope so! Soon as I saw you I knew what I had to serve you," the innkeeper babbled as the two Lans stared mournfully at food too painful to eat. Sizhui took a tentative morsel of a vegetable dish, wiping off as much of the red sauce as he could on the plate.

The innkeeper continued speaking like she hadnt noticed. "If only our Laozu was still with us, he'd have eaten it all! And the little boy that was with you! He ate so well! It's horrible what happened to them, such a terrible shame" She rested a hand against her cheek as she sighed.

For the second time that day, Hanguang-jun stiffened, his spoon held aloft.

'Laozu?' What Laozu?

They were in Yiling so it could only be one…

Sizhui stared wide-eyed at his senior, who at some point in his lifetime sat in this very tavern having a spicy meal with the fiendish Yiling Laozu.

The vegetable fell from his chopstick onto his lap.

A stream of whispers that made no attempt at being discrete erupted from the other table, these cultivators having no care for the Lan tenets.

"See! I told you! The Yiling Laozu stole a young boy to be his disciple!"

"You also said Hanguang-jun hated him! Why would they

have a meal if he hated him!"

"Maybe the Yiling Laozu brainwashed him too. Maybe he helped him kidnap the child? Maybe they're both in on it!"

"Then did Hanguang-jun betray him? He was the one who led the sects to Yiling Laozu's cave."

"He must have killed the boy too then. There's no way someone as righteous as Hanguang-jun would let a demonic child like that live—"

Chopsticks slammed onto the table, rattling the dishes as Hanguang-jun stood from his seat in a single, brusque movement.

His expression was the usual smooth, unreadable jade, so Sizhui almost assumed Hanguang-jun had stood so suddenly for some other reason, until he bowed to the proprietress and said, "My apologies for living so soon. We must return to the Cloud Recesses immediately. Thank you."

Apparently it was possible for Sizhui's jaw to circumnavigate the floor entirely, falling into the earth itself.

Lying. Hanguang-jun was lying!!!

"Come, Sizhui," he said, and without a backwards glance towards the gaping cultivators and with an exaggerated flourish of his sleeves, Hanguang-jun marched out of the tavern.

Sizhui hurriedly reached into his money pouch and placed in ingot on the table, bowing in farewell.

Forgetting to pay as well? If Sizhui didn't know any better, he'd think Hanguang-jun was possessed. Next he'd take his forehead ribbon off and strut around the inn without a care.

Sizhui hastened his steps to follow Hanguang-jun, head turning this way and that for a trace of his senior.

Finally, he spotted him standing before a market stall selling, of all things, children's toys. Wooden swords and hand-stitched dolls wearing colorful fabrics. Hanguang-jun was stroking a finger across a pair of artfully crafted grass butterflies.

Maybe he was possessed by a child after all?

"Would Gongzi like to purchase one? I weaved these two just this morning," the stallowner politely enquired.

Hanguang-jun shook his head in reply and, folding the hand that had touched the butterflies into a fist behind his back, walked off down the street.

Though Sizhui should be in a hurry to catch up to him, his feet stopped at the stall. Looking down at the pair of butterflies entwined in their stand, something in his heart ached.

"I'd like to buy these, please."

He found Hanguang-jun in a side street off the market, standing tall and proud and still as a statue. Unsure of what to say or even if he should, Sizhui took his by Hanguang-jun's side, content to simply be near as the sounds of the market faded into the background.

The grass butterflies were expertly crafted and Sizhui became mesmerized by the way the twined together as he twirled them again and again. He didn't notice Hanguang-jun was watching as well until he spoke.

"Yiling has grown since the last time I was here."

Hanguang-jun's voice held a softness that reminded Sizhui of the first time he took him to see the rabbits, all those years ago. He looked up, still twirling his butterflies, as Hanguang-jun watched with golden eyes a million miles away.

Sizhui bit his lips, wondering if he should say something. but before he can his senior plucked one of the butterflies from his hand. Fingers lined with guqin ridges spun the butterfly again and again.

"There was a similar stall back then that sold butterflies as well."

He pressed the grass butterfly against the one held in Sizhui's hands, almost like a kiss.

Sizhui's heart raced, suddenly desperate for an answer, "Did you really meet the Yiling Laozu back then? At that inn?"

A moment passed, and Sizhui thought Hanguang-jun wouldn't say anything.

Then, of all the things, Hanguang-jun smiled.

Faint, only the smallest lift at the corners, but a smile nonetheless.

He was smiling, so why did it look like he was about to cry?

"We did, yes," he replied.

"We?"

Hanguang-jun set him a mournful look.

Oh, right. The boy.

Before he could think better, Sizhui blurted, "So it's true then? The Yiling Laozu had a disciple? A little boy?"

Hanguang-jun gaze drifts off to the side. "Not quite. He was Wei Ying's, but not a disciple."

The Yiling Laozu's real name was Wei Wuxian, but he'd never heard anyone call him that. Not even Jingyi ever mentioned it.

Curiosity lit a spark in Sizhui's belly. Just what sort of relationship did Hanguang-jun have with the Yiling Laozu for him to call him so casually? For him to smile when he talked about him? For him to seem so sad?

But bravery is fickle, and Sizhui was abruptly afraid of the answer. In fact, a part of him almost wished he never asked anything.

The other part of him yearned to learn more about his most respected senior and the dead man he clung to.

How many times did Sizhui wake to the sound of guqin strings playing Inquiry? How many times did he hear the loud silence of their answer?

"The—the Yiling Laozu had a son?"

Hanguang-jun's gaze held a teasing sparkle when it settled on Sizhui. "He birthed him from his own body."

Sizhui pursed his lips with confusion. That did not make any sense, but Hanguang-jun began weaving a tale before he had a chance to think more of it.

"There was a little radish that followed him everywhere," he said, quiet and fond. "He spoke very fondly of the boy, but he would never allow any harm to him. Wei Ying cared for him."

"So that stuff about him making this kid his disciple���"

"Mn. Utterly false." A noise like a scoff escapes through Hanguang-jun nose, like even the very idea is ludicrous.

"Oh." For whatever reason, Sizhui's shoulders slumped in dejection. He supposed it would have been interesting, to meet someone trained and cared for by the Yiling Laozu himself. He wondered what kind of person they grew up to be.

He swallowed and glanced at Hanguang-jun through the corner of his eye. "Do you think he's still alive...that boy? That he's okay?"

Hanguang-jun shifted to face Sizhui head on. "Yes," he said, with a surety and conviction that dazzled. "I believe he is. He is doing well and thriving."

He took the butterflies back in hand. This time when he smiled down at them, it touched his eyes.

"Wei Ying would be proud," he told the butterflies. He turned that smile towards Sizhui and it was almost like looking at the sun.

He didn't quite understand why it felt like that warmth filled his insides too, why he felt it flowing through his veins. Why Hanguang-jun's words made him so happy.

He beamed back all the same.

As they mounted their swords to return home, Sizhui turned back for one final look at Yiling and the Burial Mounds behind it.

The sun was setting over the mountain, blues and pinks and purples splashed against a midnight sky, casting long shadows like it was waving back.

(twitter) (bluesky)

[batgirlsay]

Hearts and Minds

Mitsukiki Week 2023 Playlist for Day 3: Longing by @mitsukiki-festival

This one started out as Mitsuhid-ace playlist but then I used the day’s prompt and “Head vs. Heart” themed songs to find lyrics that fit from Kiki’s point of view too. Both Mitsuhide and Kiki work through their feelings for each other throughout (with plenty of waiting...), but it all works out for the best as they remain friends and knight partners.

Hearts and Minds

Tried To Fall In Love (My Head Got In The Way)- Kevin Devine Friend Hospital- Nada Surf Capital Karma- Manchester Orchestra Art Talk- Fialta For Me This Is Heaven- Jimmy Eat World No One Says You Have To- Kevin Devine

Summary lyrics are cited after the cut:

Tried To Fall In Love (My Head Got In The Way)- Kevin Devine

Tried to watch the band but my head got in the way

Who was the stranger Moving around inside my life? Could he account for The blankness that blanketed my eyes?

What was the answer? Where was the pin to pick the lock? Why was I waiting? When would I finally wake up?

I tried to fall in love but I couldn’t get past my pain I tried to fall in love but my head got in the way

Friend Hospital- Nada Surf

We are traveling daily by the hour Moods clouding mountains ideas like towers Choosing sides, digging in, then changing Hearts and minds are chafing from all the rearranging

So much better that we're not together Cause I will not lose you Or be the blues to you Friend hospital Wild sadness knew weakness

Capital Karma- Manchester Orchestra

I defended your drama I'm a heart, you're a brain All I wanna do is wait for you

Now you're craving your karma Where'd it go? And what'd it say?

Am I losing my patience? I feel it I'm afraid that you know, you can see it Let me stand by the door, let me breathe in I forgave myself, so forgive yourself

I'm not trying to stand in the way I'm in love with whoever you are Nothing here is gonna take that away It is you and it's been from the start

Art Talk- Fialta

Two kids, stuck in this city Blonde hair always stuck in our eyes

Try as we might, we could not predict the outcome Though we tried Plotting is a gift we both deny

We stood in line still both of us pretending And we left confused at why they changed the ending But I guess it’s fair

And then one day, you said that you were leaving And you said to wait, I waited for a season But you never came, I guess it’s fair

For Me This Is Heaven- Jimmy Eat World

The first star I see may not be a star We can't do a thing but wait So let's wait for one more

And the time's such clumsy time In deciding if it's time I'm careful but not sure how it goes You can lose yourself in your courage

When the time we have now ends When the big hand goes round again Can you still feel the butterflies? Can you still hear the last goodnight?

And the mindless comfort grows When I'm alone with my big plans And this is what she said gets her through it If I don't let myself be happy now, then when?

No One Says You Have To- Kevin Devine

It gets so lonely inside my mind I'm surrounded in love all the time I get stuck in simple phrases Complicate straight lines If there's a knot that don't need tying It gets distorted inside my mind Isolation, disconnection Another person's life

I say, "I can't race forever. Can't raise the rock so high." She says, "No one says you have to. Let go and take your time."

[cynicalfairytale4]

SOME SONG LYRICS THAT ARE TOO CLOSE TO MY HEART<3 (Pt.1)

"And loving is hard. It don't always work. You just try your best not to get hurt. I used to be mad but now I know, sometimes it's better to let someone go." -Older by Sasha Alex Sloan.

"These images they sell, Maybe none of it is real and I could love the way I feel." -Pretty's on the inside by Chloe Adams.

"Do you ever get a little bit tired of life? Like you're not really happy, but you don't wanna die. Like a numb little bug that's gotta survive. That's gotta survive." -Numb little bug by Em Beihold.

"Nothing's forever. Nothing's as good as it seems." -Hope ur ok by Olivia Rodrigo.

"All the numbers in my mind are set out to ruin my life, I don't wanna let them win but they just might. And I know this is a problem that I'm improperly solving." -Math by Sara Kays.

"I guess I could say I've learned to live this way. But it's still hard to find- reasons to stay alive. Accepting I'm pointless isn't the hardest when it's so completely obvious. My questions are countless looking for answers , so far I'm clueless. Go back to sleep. I reach for me but I'm not there. It's so lonely but who cares? It's fine it's okay. I'll die anyway." -I'll die anyway by girl in red.

" Kids are still depressed when you dress them up. " -Sippy Cup by Melanie Martinez.

" Now she's terrified of growing older losing what's left of her youth. She'd reminisce about the sound of bliss before she knew the truth." - Ms. Protagonist by J. Maya.

" If I'm pretty, will you like me? They say beauty makes boys happy. I've been starving myself , carving skin until my bones are showing. Teach me how to be okay. I don't wanna downplay my emotions. They say beauty is vain, you'll only be happy if you look a certain way. " -Prom Queen by Beach Bunny.

"The prom queen looks real pretty but inside she hates her life. And the boy that starts on Varsity's dad doesn't treat him right. The quite girl that's in the corner has so much more to say, if only their minds weren't so damn opaque. She's the life of every party but she sits alone at lunch. Her reflection shows her ribcage but she thinks she weights too much.And they call each other best friends when it's a forbidden crush, one that their parents would never approve of. Isn't it sad the way it works that we think we're the only ones who hurt? So just breathe for a second. I know you're feeling so damn helpless. But before you do something reckless REMEMBER- magazines have editors and makeup does the devil's work. Don't cry cuz you're not her. She's staying up all night scars to cover.And everything seems fine when it's not yours but darling magazine have editors and everyone's a little hurt. " -Devil's Work by Andi.

[kurouga]

Project RYUU rambling -- ‘Early Days,’ Ryuuko and Senketsu

(Spoiler level? Mild)

We don’t know all of Senketsu’s secrets or Ryuuko’s backstory in Project RYUU yet, but my goal with the ch18 art was to convey how genuinely happy young Ryuuko is to have Senketsu by her side.

We see here a very different Ryuuko than the distraught, sobbing child we left off with at the end of chapter 17 (Early Days). Ryuuko in the fic has grown up in seclusion, presumably even more so than in canon; for the first few years of her life, the half-dragon’s father is her only acquaintance, practically the only person she’s ever seen or has any relationship with -- her caretaker and her best friend.

This peace, these woods and these hikes, her life and her home here with her father – these are her treasures.

*Insert thief-Ryuuko and her material treasure-hoarding impulses in the present day here* Hmm...

Even as Isshin becomes more consumed in his work, we emphasize in Early Days that the young Ryuuko considers him a symbol of safety, and despite the bitterness she feels, she still cherishes what little time they spend together.

Unfortunately, she also fundamentally struggles to comprehend why she should care about anyone else (a trait that carries over to present-day Ryuuko, who initially balks at the thought of fighting for the rebellion or being expected to play some role in the as-of-yet briefly touched upon prophecy), or why anything in the ‘outside world’ should affect their life together -- and Isshin’s realizing the detrimental effects of the way she’s growing up is a factor in his decision to send her off to the capital. But Ryuuko isn’t prepared for this, and when she’s separated from her father, her entire world falls apart.

And that’s where we leave off with the first of a series of interspersed flashback chapters to come -- Ryuuko is hurt, in disbelief, and feeling betrayed. She feels defeated and hollow inside.

But then, this? The next look at young Ryuuko we’re provided?

Some time has passed, but something’s certainly changed in Ryuuko since Isshin first sent her away.

Though she doesn’t know it yet, this is Ryuuko with her oldest friend. She’s so happy he’s there, and she’s holding on tight. She’s opened up her heart again and formed her first new bond of many to come.

And Senketsu? He’s a puppy at this point so by definition he’s ready to conquer the world, but he’s ready to do so at his best friend’s side. And in a world of people Ryuuko has to hide her identity from, Senketsu couldn’t care less whether she’s a human or a dragon -- she’s Ryuuko, and she’s his home.

[1shirt2shirtredshirtdeadshirt]

Why people think I ship Kirk/Spock:

*H0rny thirst*

Why I actually ship Kirk/Spock:

Mutual support, respect, admiration, trust, love, slow burn, best friend turned love of your life, ultimate sacrifice, the depth of loyalty, being the most important to each other, showing our differences and vulnerabilities are strengths instead of weaknesses, depending on others isn't wrong, willingness to connect, "let me help" . . .

Soulmates, t'hy'la, found family, lgbt+ representation, domestic bliss at least for a few years for two people who really f**in' earned it . . . 

Both guys not ending up canonically sad and lonely as they grow older bc they never really "settle” long term with anyone else besides each other.

Like what did you genuinely want us to do with that, like -- our boys deserve to be happy and they mutually love each other so much. 

Heck yeah, I love the idea of the two of them growing older together while still being in love and best friends.

Having adventures, solving problems and writing history all over the universe together.

Having a stellar time doing it because being next to each other is their favourite place to be; on a Starship, being the best team ever. It's beautiful.

Another very important reason why this fandom and K/S has been a safe place to land for me as a member of LGBT+:

My connection to Star Trek started through my family, but I loved it because it offered me a glimpse at the kind of world that I'd like to live in; more accurately, the world I was desperate to live in. 

The world I was raised in was bitterly cruel and violent to LGBT+ folks like myself. I visited far too many friends in the ICU, unrecognizably beaten after a gay hate crime, than I ever should have had to --  especially in my young life before the age of 20. Those are images and ugly moments burned into my memory that will haunt me until I die. People talk about how pro-LGBT things are these days, and sure, things are certainly better; but I think too many people have swiftly forgotten how dire things were for us even those short years ago, even now. 

Gene Roddenberry did something for me at that time when I was so bitterly lonely, conflicted about identity, and self-resentful in my life; I had genuinely considered ending it more than once. But TMP novel did something so huge for me back then when I was so turbulent and alone in the tiniest way possible.

I read TMP novel in high school; actually reading something that even remotely resembled a bisexual character when I first read this line from Jim Kirk in TMP novel was such a game changer for me at that time:

That small sentence might be next to nothing for some people, but that was huge for me. So huge that I don't think Gene Roddenberry might have ever considered how big that it could be for some isolated, lonely kid out there reading it.  

I cried my heart out in my room stuck on that page when I first read it, because it really shook my soul. It was proof that at some point in time, someone out there had been brave enough to express the kind of feelings that I so fiercely hid in my mind.

That might sound really pathetic to the people reading this, but you have to understand how positively starved a person can be for commiseration or empathy when you are on the outside looking in constantly.

It is part of why I have always related to Spock so fiercely; that sense of belonging nowhere, being "weird", of not quite fitting in or meeting expectations -- and constantly being reminded of it.

All those moments growing up when you look around yourself seeking validation as a child and teen, looking for like minded people or kin; I looked around and found myself reflected literally nowhere.

It's like that metaphorical hand suspended in the air, waiting for a high five, and not one single, solitary person meets you halfway. Not one crumb of validation.

Then everyone around you makes you feel like you're weird and wrong and malfunctioning and not supposed to think that way and just be quiet and don't talk about it ever. Just be "normal." 

I was so damn lonely. And scared.

Nobody around me thought or felt like me. I was raised in a strict Pentecost upbringing. Everything to do with LGBT+ was unequivocally off the table.

If I tried to even tentatively broach the subject of bisexuality with folks, most people would respond with revulsion; as if it were some perverted, weird sex kink. When like everybody else, I simply hoped to be loved someday for exactly who I was. Plain and simple.

I was a closeted bisexual teen living in the bible belt. It was a sheltered, oppressive existence for anyone, but especially for someone who identified as LGBT+. 

 Sad as it might be, this was the closest thing I'd ever gotten in my life thus far to bisexual representation or validation. It was the first example I remember seeing in any of the stories that I loved growing up. Up to that point, I hadn't heard or seen anyone else in the world express exactly how I felt inside anywhere. Until James T. Kirk.

So forgive me if I somehow hurt or upset other fans when I read it through my own lens in my desperation to feel seen or understood. What other way can we look at the world and it's many stories, after all, other than through our own eyes?

To be quite frank, those few little ambiguous words from Jim Kirk in that footnote of that dusty old 1979 1st edition Star Trek: The Motion Picture novel that I still have on my bookshelf all these years later?

That tiny little sentence absolutely rocked my bisexual f**king world in high school.

That one tiny sentence meant so much to me. I re-read that page so many times. I even stuck a bookmark in the page and I’d pop it open after yet another long, shitty day of being harassed, chased, or called a "f@g".

Call it pathetic, but I’d feel a little sear of camaraderie in my angry, lonely existence. 'At least Jim Kirk has my back, f**k those guys". And it made me feel a tiny bit less alone in this giant universe.

I can still recite it word for word. I used to read it over and over again, just to have that giddy feeling in my heart of: "Oh God, what a relief. There it is. There I am. Someone else out there wrote down exactly how I feel inside. It's right there in this book. It's a real thing that exists somewhere outside my head."

For the first time in my life, I saw something even remotely like myself represented somewhere, and I found that in Jim Kirk.

Some people might call that "a reach".

By all means, go ahead.

But do that bearing in mind the kind of reality that people like myself contended with when you get “upset” that we might be “queer washing” your character by pushing for representation:

- Homosexuality was listed as a mental illness in the DSM5 until 1974.

- Anti-sodomy laws were not considered unconstitutional until 2003 in the US (as in you could legally get arrested/charged for engaging in homosexual acts up to that time).

- The Netherlands was the 1st country to legalize gay marriage and that was only as recently as 2001. Canada legalized gay marriage in 2005. The US did not legalize gay marriage until 2015 and they are currently gunning to take that right away again. 

*It is important to note that the definition of spouse only included same-sex partners only starting in 2013; that means that if a person was dying in the ICU, you were prohibited from visiting them unless you were legal family. For decades right up until 2013, your right to visit your lover if either of you were on your deathbed was revoked on the basis that you were not married -- and that right was not even offered to LGBT+ folks till 2001.*

So, yeah.

Maybe it is "a reach" through your privileged lens, having all the representation in the world at your disposal if you identify as straight - I mean, God forbid we might like a scattered one or two on our team.

But it is also very hard to secure legitimate representation when the society and culture you grow up in tells you that you should not exist in the first place.

Not only demands that you shouldn't exist, but legally persecutes you for it or forces you into cruel, inhuman religious conversion therapy simply for existing. For trying to love someone else honestly.

So pardon me for being absolutely starved for even the slightest hint of a vapour that resembled representation during a time period when I was asked (moreso ordered) not to exist and barely wanted to as a product of it.

God forbid that my seeing potential bisexuality in Jim Kirk might actually put you off of your Star Trek chowder because "eeeewww, bisexual Jim" . . . how very selfish of me. /s

But sure . . . y'know.

I'm just mindlessly "h0rny", and all that.

[shadow--writer]

bro do you think i could get like,, a coffee shop (or bookshop) au headcanons for the main six? if you're comfortable with that ☺️✨

Ah coffee shop/bookstore aus are my favourite I love them! I hope you don’t mind me going wild on my favs (Julian and Muriel) lol

Requests are still open! And asks about my new MC! Send em in!! (also fic requests are open lmao)

Main six x MC coffee shop/bookstore modern au

~~~~

Julian

You work at your local bookstore and this very hot doctor comes in almost every week 

You don’t know why, but you’re curious as to why

He always comes during your shift, asking for new books, books on medical treatment, old history, history on leeches, types of leeches, birds and birdcare

The first time he came in when you locked eyes he fell over

You and your coworkers started a little bet to see what he’s coming in for next 

But he doesn’t come in the next week

Or after that

You hate to admit it but you’re starting to miss him. He never failed to make you laugh with his strange requests

The past few times he came in he was always a bit red

But his face lit up whenever he saw you

You started crushing on him and now that he hasn’t come back for a while you’re...a bit sad

Next time he comes in is when you’re closing up

He’s out of breath, wheezing on his knees

Amused you let him catch his breath

“MC...I’m sorry I haven’t come in a while! School and work got hectic and I didn’t have time-”

Shushing him gently you bring him inside, pulling out your secret stash of tea you keep in the back

Asking him what’s wrong makes him go bright red

Confused, you sit and wait

“Would you believe me if I said I fell in love with this cute bookworm who works in one of my favourite store?”

You’re a little hurt but happy for the person he loves. He notices the hurt and laughs

“It’s you sweetheart. I’ve seemed to have fallen for you.”

I’m sorry, but after he confesses he would totally steal you just to make out with you behind the science textbook section (....I might write this wait)

Asra

Asra works at this sweet little tea shop that you like to visit every so often after work/school

He’s the cutest barista and you always smile when he’s there

Slowly you’ve warmed up to one another, him bringing you your favourite tea with a little note

Don’t hit on the baristas, but he might make an exception just for you

He adds some stuff to your tea to make it special and he always gets excited when he sees you come in

When you stay late he breaks out the coffee to help you stay up studying/working

He’ll spend time after work just to talk to you

He smells good like cinnamon and tea leaves

If you fall asleep he’ll let you sleep a bit while he closes up, and then wakes you before he leaves

He really enjoys your company, and you always brighten his day when you come in 

Days you don’t come in seem to drag on and he’s a little lonely 

Oh no

oh no

he has a crush on you now

But you bet your sweet arse you developed some weird outta nowhere feelings for him too

It’s why you avoided the tea shop, you didn’t want to make things weird

He sees you passing by and runs after you just to tell you

He really does miss you 

His confession is all a jumble. “MCILOVEYOUSOMUCHPLEASECOMEBACK!”

He’s very cute and when you go back he’ll make you a latte with snake art

Nadia

Nadia works at a cute little bookstore with a small cafe off to the side

It’s not very popular, just tucked away but it has a very nice atmosphere

They make the best pastries and have the best espressos

The first time you came in Nadia was there and willing to help 

She misheard you and sent you to the wrong section but she was too nice so you felt bad

Later on you tell her about the incident 

She is so embarrassed but it’s sweet

She finds your compassion so very sweet 

Some days you’ll come in just to study for school or read a book over coffee

She likes talking with you (distracting you from your schoolwork and her from her actual job. The manager doesn’t mind)

She handles everything with such grace it’s hard not to fall deeply in love with her

Sometimes you’ll come in just to talk to her 

It’s about when she starts to fall for you too, making your guyses interactions a bit awkward but still very sweet

She confesses by kissing you behind the bookshelves, she tastes like bittersweet chocolate and coffee 

When she pulls away you are bright red, making her giggle. 

“Consider it a thank you, MC. You’ve made my days so much brighter just with your smile.”

Oh my gods is she hot 

You aren’t gonna survive this 

Kiss her back 

“I...I hate to admit this, but I think I love you.”

Muriel

You work for a fun little animal themed bookstore 

Kids love it 

But one day this huge I mean tall and broad man walks in, hunched over, asking for a book on how to take care of chickens

Well that’s new you’ve never had a request like that from someone who looks...well, like Muriel does

But as always, you put on a smile and sweetly show him the way to chicken care

He’s so nervous oh poor baby 

He’ll grab your sleeve as you go back to the counter, his hair falling into his eyes but you can see how red his cheeks are

“Can...can I have some help finding a specific book? I...don’t know my way around.”

Of course you help how could you not

Soon after that he becomes a regular, and you learn he is in school to be a Vet and he has a small house up in the mountains 

Where apparently he has been saving animals

The first time you learn about Inanna was when he came in asking for a book on dog breeds

When he couldn’t find her breed he asked for a book on wolves

and you are starting to worry

But it’s okay he knows what he’s doing

As shy as he is, he falls for you fast and hard. Soon coming in with very poor excuses 

But it’s okay because you get to see him more and more, falling for him yourself soon enough

When you show him to books on bird seed, you kiss his cheek making him sputter

After a moment, he kisses your forehead, whispering ‘I love you’

And that was the day you knew this man was gonna kill you with his voice

Portia

Portia is this super cute barista at this fun energetic coffee shop

You are a poor hardworking person who needs their coffee fix

But oh my god Portia thinks you are the cutest most beautiful thing to walk through those doors

Her coworkers tease her but they let her act on her immediate crush

Looking up to this bubbly redhead holding your coffee, you fall for her too 

And soon you come in every week, sometimes three times a week

To study and get coffee

No...no other reason....

Portia is thrilled to see you in the coffee shop so often 

Eventually she leaves her number on the side of your coffee cup 

OMG no other person has done this in this au bwahahaha they’re all dumbasses 

She’ll confess with a few hearts in your coffee and a wink 

After work you’ll wait for her before pulling her along and kissing her behind the building 

Ah, young love

She’ll giggle and after this you come in more often and when she finds out where you work she’ll come to visit you

“MC! You came again! Welcome!!!”

Bright smiles and laughter 

Your day always seems better when she’s around

Lucio

You work at an old coffee shop with a fun rustic vibe and this man comes in so often 

Like every 

single

day

to order the same exact thing

The same exact super sweet coffee with two cookies on the side. He’s an odd one isn’t he

He’ll start to flirt with you right away

“Hey gorgeous, you make this all for me?”

Of course you did

That’s your job

Eventually you start flirting back and that’s when things start picking up 

Lucio catches major hardcore feelings

You’re that cute barista and he caught feelings for you

Unfair

You catch feelings too 

Eventually

He’s very blunt and flirty and..okay sure you kinda like that in him 

One day he was so aggressively flirting that you grab his shirt collar and plant a hard kiss on his mouth

Then get back to work as if nothing happened

Leave your number and winking face by his coffee

Ooooooooh man are you gonna get it after work 

;)

[regrettablewritings]

Fluff alphabet for Tadashi Hamada if you're stil writing for him, please. B, c,s w?

Indeed, I do still write for the lovely lad. Stuff is below the cut

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?):

Oh, most definitely. Tadashi is a very family-oriented man. Always has been, always will be. So it’s no surprise that he looks forward to the day he can start his own little branch of the Hamada family tree. We’ve already seen how he is with Hiro: He’s protective, he’s encouraging, he’s inspiring, he’s good at getting him to do things he may not want to do even if it’s for his own benefit -- imagine what wonders he could do if those traits were applied to a little mini-him or mini-you or mini-you-both!

Honestly, the subject goes more or less unspoken between you two because it’s kind of a given that Tadashi wants kids. You two would be taking a walk in the park or going to the mall and the moment a stroller passes by, he’s barely playing off how much he’s trying to crane his neck to gaze upon the chubby wonder resting inside. You can see the disappointment in his eyes when he fails. Some days when you’re just at the Lucky Cat trying to get some homework done, you’ll glance up and see him at a table with a baby at it, speaking all kinds of sweet words to them. You’ve seen his favorites playlist on Youtube -- it has a decade-old commercial for Legal Zoom on it. When you questioned why it was there in the first place, you had to witness your adoring boyfriend sheepishly admit that the baby in it was just too cute. And also he liked the pale purple walls and thought it’d make for good inspiration.

“Good inspiration for . . .?” you led, knowing exactly where it was headed. You watched at Tadashi’s eyes wandered and his cheeks and ears reddened.

“For . . . a nursery . . .” he responded. It was a mumble, but you heard everything you needed to know loud and clear.

Well, not everything, of course: You asked him what exactly he envisioned for the future.

He admitted he wasn’t exactly particular about whether he wanted a boy or a girl, let alone first or second -- he just knew he would like at least two children so neither one would be lonely. Corny and cheesy as it was, he would’ve preferred to live somewhere a little closer to the suburbs (“Hey, at least I don’t expect a white picket fence!” he justified). His reasoning being that he’d like a nice, quiet area in which many parks and libraries and schools can be accessible, and so any children of yours have room to grow. However, given the structure of the area, he knew that this was going to be a tough call for a multitude of reasons.

Bottom line, though, he’d be okay with living in the city if it meant he could still provide for you and your hypothetical kids the best he could. He just wants to make sure everyone is happy and healthy. But for now, he’s content with it just being the two of you . . . Emphasis on “for now.”

C = Cuddles (How do they cuddle?):

Usually with a prayer that Hiro doesn’t barge in. No, seriously: That bedroom of theirs offers only the most courteous of privacies by way of a tasteful but otherwise unpersuasive shoji. You want Hiro to see you guys trying to get cozy about as much as Hiro does -- which is not at all, given how he pretends to throw up every time he’s walked in on you two. And how he’s voiced his dislike of it.

Given that Tadashi is ever the caring brother and roommate, he can only get away with so many dry, “You don’t have to be here”s before he just feels bad about it. As a result, the two of you have actually had to create a cuddling schedule built with Hiro’s course times, your availability, and Tadashi’s availability in mind. And God forbid Hiro ever finds out about that schedule because all he needs is one more reason to call the both of you Ultra Nerds.

Worse-case scenario, you two get booted out and have to make do with the couch in the garage, cramped as it is. But you don’t mind: Usually, the reason you two are cuddling is because you’re so butt-tired from coursework that you need to relax and zonk out for a couple hours. Besides, for as lanky and more muscle-based as a guy like Tadashi is, his arm wrapped around you is unfairly warm and comforting. You’re bound to be conked out before you can even utter a complaint, or at the very least you’re way too relaxed to register the fact that you’re both awkwardly strewn about the furniture.

So if it had to be put in a different way (and less about worrying somebody might barge in), you supposed you could describe your cuddling as being the snug equivalent to how a college student eats, sleeps, or lives altogether: You both take what you can get when you can get it and try to enjoy it before it’s time to go to your next “adult obligation.”

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?):

Tadashi is a pretty optimistic person so it’s actually hard to get him completely down, let alone long enough for him to actually require a pick-me-up bigger than a brief inner pep talk. Normally all he needs to do is have a quiet moment to himself, some time to cool down, maybe remind himself that things can and will get better. But in the odd moment where this isn’t enough, Tadashi will often turn to his interests.

However, don’t assume this means he’ll hunker down in his lab and focus on one of his projects: He’s long since learned that it’s best to not robotically engineer with sad or frustrated -- way too many power outages have occurred from that.

Instead, he turns to his other hobbies: Living with Aunt Cass means he’s been knowing how to bake for years, albeit the baked fruits of his labors don’t always come out prettily; depending on how free his schedule is (read: not very at all anymore), he may go find a location to go surfing; or he goes to a park to get, like, a cart crepe. Usually being outside in a sunny place (with plenty of puppies and babies around) zaps him back to normal.

Which leaves him with plenty of time to figure out how to cheer you up!

Given his nature, Tadashi has become a wiz at cheering others up. He’s just got this nearly contagious brightness about him. And even if you don’t find yourself as readily bright as he, don’t worry: He’s not afraid to pull old tried-and-trues on you. Being an older brother/almost fatherly figure has allowed him the perfect position to perfect his trade: That is, the art of being goofy for the sake of cheering up his loved ones. He will easily pick you up and jump around with you, hollering about how he’s going to “turn that frown upside-down” -- by actually holding you upside-down.

Not your cup of tea? Then be prepared to witness the most tragic case of Dad Dancing ever recorded in a man below the age of 30, complete with cheesy disco music. You will be forced to witness his arms flailing, head bopping, mouth performing what you had once heard being referred to as “The White Man’s Overbite”. You will beg that he stop “for the love of Mochi.” You will try to have your pleas be heard over the speaker blaring “Got to Be Real” by Cheryl Lynn, only to be further drowned out by your boyfriend’s tone-deaf singing.

But the man will not stop: He must dance in your honor.

And once you’re done wiping away the tears left from cackling, he’ll treat you to some froyo.

If this still doesn’t work, there’s the slightest chance he might pull out the big guns: Tickling. It’s reserved strictly as a worst-case scenario, but he’s going to dance until his feet bleed if he can help it before he has to do that again. The last time he resorted to tickling a little too eagerly, it . . . didn’t end well.

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?):

When? A balmy evening in May. How? With a bit of difficulty. Mind you, Tadashi is a generally organized man on the average day. But on the day he proposes to you – heck, the days leading up to it? He’s a bit of a mess. And it’s in no small part due to how incredibly involved his friends and family had tried to be the entire time.

Make no mistake, he’s very glad that he has such supportive loved ones. However, he found himself constantly fighting off a heart attack every time one of them treaded the line a little too closely for his comfort. (Sure, there’s little suspicion in Honey gushing over wedding magazines with you or Aunt Cass asking you to sample a “brand new wedding cake flavor” she was planning to use for some pastries, but Wasabi asking about your ring size and Fred talking about how kaiju costumes were better than tuxes until GoGo had to slam him down really wasn’t exactly inconspicuous.)

Hiro might’ve been the closest thing to normal throughout it all, much to the elder Hamada brother’s surprise. But even then, he was more of less gesturing for Tadashi to just go ahead and pop the question – albeit, at the most inopportune times in the latter’s honest opinion.

“I can’t propose to my girlfriend in the campus library!” Tadashi rejected Monday.

“There’s nothing romantic about being in the middle of a pizzeria and going, ‘Hey, will you marry me?’” he scoffed on Wednesday.

“Hiro, if you ever propose to somebody in front of a mall fountain, then I’ve failed you,” came his dry response Saturday. He knew his younger brother meant no harm by applying the lightest of pressures; he just wanted all the anxieties over with! But this was you Tadashi was proposing to: You deserved only the best. Only the most heartfelt . . . Which was why, in the end, the where of it all was the Lucky Cat Café. Was it the fanciest establishment he could have done it in? Not really. Thankfully, Aunt Cass was all too eager to oblige his request to have the café to yourselves one evening; it allowed him to properly decorate your favorite table with a tablecloth and a bouquet of your favorite flowers. It was admittedly a tad cheesy, but you certainly didn’t mind it.

But this was where Tadashi had grown up. It was where his family – the core of his being – was, where his friends congregated to relax. This was his home in so many ways and if he was to invite you into his family, he wanted it to be done here. Even if it meant Aunt Cass and Hiro were not too discreetly peeking out from the back. Or that the entire time Tadashi was trying to recite his proposal speech, he kept getting distracted by your friends, whose faces were mashed against a window behind you, waiting to bear witness to this milestone.

Suffice to say, it was a very group-oriented situation. But neither you nor Tadashi would have had anything less.

Thank you for your patience!

[liibrii]

Chapter 1: Still the same

Ojiro Aran x fem!reader

Synopsis: In Aran's eyes you've always been someone he could lean onto. Before you lost touch after graduating that was. Now that you've found a way back into his life, cracking under the weight of the world, he's determined to be there for you as you were for him. It really is only the question of time before he falls in love with you again but he soon starts to realise he might not know you all that well to begin with...

Genre: hurt/comfort, angst, slow burn, friends to lovers

Warnings: timeskip spoilers, internalised guilt and shame, intrusive thoughts, self doubt, depression, anxiety, swearing, use of alcohol

wc: 3.1k

a/n: if you wanna be tagged lemme know. as always feedback is greatly appreciated!  a big thanks to @rosecaffelatte​ for the help with header and dividers!

“I dig the new look. But why just the beard, why not grow some nice moustache too? You could twirl them during matches. Like some super volleyball villain.“

Aran's coffee goes down the wrong pipe. “Is that how ya see me?” he asks during coughs.

Years later and your laughter still sounds the same. Warmth spreading through him is still the same. It's been a few months since you moved to Tokyo to finish your degree. “Better late than never, right?“ you told him the first time you got coffee together. An unfamiliar bitterness laced your voice then.

“Me? No. But the opponent might.“ You add some sugar to your cup before making a sip. Aran remembers seeing your favourite drink on the menu and wonders why you ordered something else. Maybe you just don't like it anymore. It has been some time since he last saw you.

Almost four years to be exact. Has it really been that long? He remembers the reunion as if it happened yesterday and graduation only a day before.

“We're graduating in a few days so I made you all a little something.“ You pulled neatly wrapped gifts from your bag. “Don't look so suspicious.“Seeing team's faces made you scrunch up your nose. “It's just a framed picture.“

You made one for everyone, even the first years who were merely bench warmers. It's the picture of the entire team taken after you returned from your last nationals. Aran remembers vividly how insistent you were on hanging team banner in the background. 'We don't need memories.' “But I sure do,“ you joked.

There's a hand written message on the back side. A different note for every single member.

“Take that 'Tsumu!“ shouted Osamu back then and pushed his frame under Atsumu's nose, “Look here, 'Don't tell 'Tsumu but yer my favourite twin!'“

Atsumu sneered at his brother: “What're ya talkin' about? 'Tsum-Tsum yer on the way of becomin' the best setter the world has ever known. And don't tell 'Samu but yer my favourite twin!' Take that ya pig!“

Aran laughed with the rest of the team. How typical that you would play twins against each other to create chaos. 'Aran,' his note read, 'don't forget to stretch properly after practice! And please, never sprain your ankle during matches. World doesn't have to know all your socks have holes in them.'

The first time he noticed your absence in his life was only months after graduating. The volleyball club manager who yelled at the cheering squad in front of the entire gymnasium for making a first year cry during a practice match. Fearless.

You were there when he needed someone to lean onto. With a snack and a sports drink, staying late just to make sure he didn't go overboard with practice. A light slap on his shoulders when he was wallowing in self doubt. On the days it got especially bad you pulled a pack of ritz crackers from your secret stash of snacks and bought him a drink on the way home. Sometimes you'd sit on the stone fence by the crossroad where your path home diverged, gossiping for hours about your classmates and teachers. Aran found it so easy to tell you all the trouble weighing on his mind. Be it about school or volleyball, you listened. Even when he knew he was talking nonsense, even when he knew his worries were just unfounded doubts you listened.

“Better to try and fail than to never try at all,“ you once told him.

Aran's lips curved into a small smile. “Where did ya read that? Some ancient philosopher?“

“No, it's a song.“ You pulled out your phone from the pocket and offered him a headphone. “Wanna listen to it?“

It really was no surprise he fell in love with you.

But he never spoke of how his breath caught in his throat, how his heart pounded whenever you were around. How could he when he had always known that look of pure love and adoration in your eyes would never be meant for him?

How could it be when you were so obviously in love with Kita?

No matter how much his heart ached for you he had to admit you and Kita were a match made in heaven. Years later and he still remembers the pictures in your room, you and Kita aged five or so holding hands, bruised knees and dirty cheeks, you and Kita on your first day of elementary school, you and Kita graduating Middle school. You and Kita joining volleyball club together. You and Kita locking pinkies on the way home. You and Kita. Always you and Kita.

He was so jealous back then. It drained so much of his energy trying to prevent the sneering beast from taking over. So much suppressed emotions trying to protect the friendship he to this day holds so dear. But no matter what he did he couldn't prevent his insides clenching every time you took Kita's hand. Well, why did he even expect you'd chose anyone but him? You've known him your entire life. Kita was your best friend from before either of you even knew what that meant. He understood you better than anyone. Why would you ever choose anyone but him?

For years you were happy and for years Aran believed he had moved on. Once in passing Kita even bashfully mentioned marriage. Aran congratulated his friend, even looked at engagement rings with him. That night he cam home and collapsed on the bed dazed from emotions erupting back to the surface. In his lonely, empty apartment he cried his eyes out. Never before had he been so angry at himself. He believed he was over you. And with one single sentence from Kita vines carrying your name sprouted thorns and pierced his heart.

He was a terrible friend, wasn't he? Perhaps this was his punishment for wishing you were in his arms instead. You are happy, right? So why can't that be enough? Even if it's with someone else, if he really loved you then knowing you are happy should be all that matters, right?

You were happy. Until you weren't. Aran was never glad to learn you and Kita broke up. But he wasn't sad either.

“I always thought ya and Shinsuke were gonna be it.“

Warm sunlight dances over your face. You stare out the window, the gaze of your eyes sorrowful. Aran doesn't remember ever seeing you sad. You've always been the happy one, the one capable of lifting others' spirits no matter how bad it was.

You stir your drink. “I thought so too.“ When you lean back your eyes still search for something in the street. “But that's how it goes you know, sooner or later you realise you've been wrong. One way or another.“

You're trying to sound carefree and Aran's heart cracks a little. Why are you trying so hard to conceal the pain? Don't you trust him?

You are still his friend. He's starting to think that maybe... Maybe he isn't yours anymore. He shouldn't have brought up Kita. Idiot.

“Our semi-final match is next week. Ya comin'?“

Before you answer a small voice chimes in. “Uhm, excuse me? Ojiro-san?“ The boy's eyes sparkle with excitement as he asks for an autograph and a picture and Aran's more than happy to oblige. Two other kids show up and then their parents and some of the guests who had been throwing glances at your table for some time. Aran takes his time taking pictures and exchanging pleasantries. Meeting fans is the one aspect of being a renown athlete he likes.

When he turns back at you there's a fond smile on your face. “Remember those times when you thought you had no future in volleyball because you didn't get invited to youth training camp?“ Your voice softens. “Look at you now. Ojiro Aran, outside hitter of Japan's National Team.“

The light trace of pride in your voice makes his face heat up. “I was lucky to have friends who believed in me.“

“True. I better get going, my shift stars in an hour.“ You stand up and collect your things. “Talk to you later!“

What little of time you spent together always seemed to fly past too rapidly. Aran watches through the window as you hurry down the street. His coffee has gotten cold.

His spike wins them the semi-finals. In the eruption of cheering he can't hear your voice but he does see you bouncing on your heels right beside his family. You're wearing his jersey. Not a replica, it's the same jersey he wore the last season. You jumped from happiness when you opened the present. One more for your small collection of former teammates' jerseys.

Aran beams and waves in your direction. If he could he'd run over to hug and spin you around just like he used to do back in high school but he's called away. By the time interviews are over you're long gone. A part of him really hoped you would wait for him. Just like you did back in high school. All there is is a message telling him he was amazing and you're proud of him. His heart swells and for the rest of the day nothing can wipe the wide grin off of his face.

At the after party alcohol runs in rivers. Since there's no practice scheduled for tomorrow his teammates go wild. Aran downs his fifth or sixth shot having lost count a while ago. He's warm and giddy, from the victory, the alcohol, the girl on his lap running her hands up and down his chest. What was her name again? She pulls him to the dance floor, her hair is the same colour as yours and her body feels so nice against his... She looks at him funny when he calls her your name. He gets lost in the blasting music and dim lights, the haze of all the drinks and the arm around his waist.

The sound of the alarm clock might as well be a sack of rocks someone dumped on his head. Even still half asleep the blunt throbbing in his head is becoming unbearable. He wraps himself tighter with the thin blanket. Futon beneath shifts as someone climbs over him.

Or perhaps he's just dreaming.

When the second alarm rings Aran's eyes begrudgingly flutter open. He struggles to pick up the phone trying to hit that snooze button. He rubs the sleep off his eyes. That's not his phone.

The alarm is still ringing. Oh, he's going to have one hell of a headache today. His fingers shake when he finally finds the 'stop' button. For a few moments he lies motionless though the pounding of his heart rings in his ears. Last night is a haze of disconnected voices and pictures. The futon beneath him is too small to be his and he doesn't recognise the pattern of the sheets either. He probably slept with some girl from the party. Better get up and get the awkward 'morning after' conversation over with.

Sitting up he discovers all his clothes are still on. The room doesn't look familiar, yet the smell... There's something homey and intoxicating about it.

Standing up is a feat on its own. He's dizzy from the sleep and the alcohol and has to grab the edge of the desk to steady himself. He closes his eyes and waits for dizziness to pass. In the weak morning sunlight sipping through the window he notices books and pencils strewn all over. There's a framed picture on the window ledge. It takes a moment for him to recognise it.

Last year of high school, the last trip to the beach you made together. Akagi is giving you a piggy-back ride, Omimi holds both of your popsicles with a fond look on his face. Aran stands beside him, carrying the inflatable ring you guys later accidentally popped on a rock, and on the edge of the group is Kita. His face is covered with a post-it note.

Sudden sickness twists his stomach and it's not just too much alcohol to blame. He slides open the door and looks around before walking down a short hallway to the kitchen. You're just packing your bag. “Look who woke up from his beauty sleep. Want some breakfast?“

“Bathroom,“ is all he manages to utter.

“Last door on the right.“

He finds it not a moment too early. How embarrassing, to be throwing up at your place. He feels your hands rub soothing circles on his back as he leans over the toilet. Once his stomach settles down you hand him a glass of water and some headache medicine. His head is spinning. When he finally collects himself enough to stand up on his own you hand him a new toothbrush. “I gotta go in a few minutes. Professor doesn't like us being late.“

“What happened?“ His voice is hoarse.

“You had a drink too much Mr. Lightweight,“ you say with a loop sided grin. “A girl form the party called me in the middle of the night asking for someone to pick you up. It's a good thing she did cause everyone was so drunk they couldn't stand straight. You guys really did take celebrating to a whole new level. I did take you to your place but when we got there your keys were gone. So might want to look into that. Also I'm pretty sure I strained a muscle dragging you up the stairs.“ You glimpse over to the clock on the wall. “Listen, I really have to go. My roommate'll be home all day so you can stay if you want. And when you get hungry just take something from the fridge. You gonna be alright?“

Aran nods. Fuck, even that hurts. “Need to sleep it off,“ he mumbles.

You give him one more pat on the back before you leave. He struggles for a while trying to unscrew the tube of toothpaste. Never before has brushing teeth posed such a challenge. He washes his face with ice cold water that does nothing to improve the headache or his mood.

He collapses back on your futon. So, this is your room then. It's nothing like the one he remembers from back home. The Vabo-chan plushie team gifted you for your birthday lies on the pillow. It still holds the ball Omimi made at the last moment, not that he was the one given this task in the first place. It was meant as a joke yet you brought it with you to Tokyo. Aran snuggles it, noticing how pale and worn out it's becoming. He drifts back to sleep, thinking he should tell the others you still have it. They'll be glad to hear it.

No matter how hard Aran tries to pay you back the money for the taxi ride from the party you refuse. The only payment you're prepared to accept is a trip to the seaside. The moment you see the endless blue water you run closer, discarding your shoes on the beach. Seeing you splash around in the shallow water makes him laugh.

He lays out the blanket and watches over you. It's good seeing the exhaustion on your face being washed away. Even if you didn't complain at all and said nothing he could tell balancing college and work is taking its toll. Despite smiling and appearing as carefree as always you seem tired. Aran is starting to fear you'll break under the weight of whatever it is you refuse to tell him.

He lays back on his bag, basking in the warm sun. Soon he dozes off. Once he wakes up you're laying beside him and scribbling in the margins of an article you have to read for an upcoming lecture. He lets you work and simply enjoys your presence. He missed hanging out with you, even if you don't do anything special he's just glad to have you around.  

As evening falls he draps his jacket on your shoulders. You always loved stealing – not stealing he corrects himself, borrowing- you always loved borrowing jackets and hoodies.

“Hey Aran? Can... Can I tell you something?“ You hide your face beneath the hood of his jacket.  

“'Course ya can.“

“Remember the old maple tree by the crossroad?“

Aran thinks for a moment. “Ya mean the one Suna dared ya to climb and ya fell down from?“

“That one yeah.“ A shadow of a smile flies over your lips at the memory.

“Everyone thought Oomi-sensei would throw ya outta the club. Shouldda seen the second year's faces when they thought we'll lose our precious manager.“

“A few months ago I walked past it. Thought about climbing it.“

“Lemme guess, ya couldn't? College life sucked all the strength from yer arms? Told ya ya should exercise more.“

“I was scared.“ You take a deep breath. “I climbed that tree a thousand times before. And now I'm too scared to even touch the lowest branch.“ You fidget with the hem of his jacket. “It scared me so much you know, not noticing how much I've changed.“

“Ya haven't changed that much.“

You look at him. “Haven't I?“

“No.“ Lies. A part of him knows it's lies. “Yer still the same. Our precious manager.“ He playfully pokes your shoulder. Yeah, you're still the same. You're still the you he remembers. “Yer my friend. Fearless. Always there to kick some sense into me.“ You're still the same girl he fell in love with all those years ago. “Yer one of my best friends. Nothin's gonna change that. Besides-“

“I hated you.“

Seagulls' calls. Waves crashing on the shore. People chatting in the distance. “Well, hate might be a bit too strong...“ You pull your knees to your chest and hug them, your eyes fixed on the waning light on the horizon. “I was so envious of you, you know? Of all of you... You, Akagi, Omiren,... You all knew what you wanted, you going pro, them going to college, and Shin... Even back in school I was the odd one out. I couldn't admit to myself that I envied you. Now I know it was wrong. So fucking childish. But that's how I felt.“ You can't bear to look him in the eye. “Sometimes I still feel like the one who has no idea what to do with her life...“

A lump forms in Aran's throat. He had no idea. Too blinded by your light, too engrossed in his own feelings to notice what was happening underneath your carefree facade.

“Knowing that tell me,“ you glance at him and tears in your eyes glimmer in the last beams of the setting sun, “can really nothing change our friendship?“

Ch. 2: Tattered

[mikkomacko]

Dear Daisy 5

Daisy never realized how big the house is until Harry's not there. Without his large personality sitting at the table, or his lanky legs kicked up on the coffee table while he works, or his broad body moving around the kitchen, Daisy feels like she's living in an empty palace. It's gotten to the point that she hates being at the house, but going to visit her family is just as depressing with them now crying over Sterling's departure. Her father's taken up more work with Thomas, hoping to make up for the usual revenue Sterling brings into the family. It's not much seeing as most of her brother's earnings goes into his personal savings so he can afford to marry Stella and take care of her. Daisy tried spending time with her future sister too, but that ended up being even more depressing then staring at Harry's empty couch cushion. So she goes on walks now. She's been putting off walking through the park because it reminds her of Harry now, and she stays as far away from the beach as possible. That really only leaves the town for her to walk through, but she likes the shops so she doesn't mind. She hardly buys anything, but the browsing keeps her mind off of Harry and how much she misses him and if he's okay. Her favorite shop to go in is the local bakery, owned a ran by a man named Robin and his kids. It's nice to sit at one of the tables, picking at a scone or mini pie and watch Robin teach his son's to roll out dough correctly and cut shapes into the pies. The three men are always so happy and carefree, and the feeling rubs off on her after sitting there for a bit.

Today, however, is different.

The bell above the door chimes as she pushes it open, stepping into the little shop and expecting a smile from Richard who's usually behind the counter. He's not there today, and walking up to the counter she realizes that Sam isn't either. It's just Robin, lips drooping down in the corners as he dusts some flower onto his apron. Daisy's smile falls, confused by the unusual gloomy mood in the bakery.

"Oh, hello Daisy." Robin greets when he notices her, offering her a pathetic smile. Daisy rests her elbows on the counter, holding her chin up.

"Is everything okay Robin?"

The man shrugs, shaking his head with a sad chuckle. "My boys left today," he mumbles, "one of them to the Poland, the other Germany."

Her heart falls to her stomach, and she thinks of Harry again. She's so worried knowing he's in France, she can't imagine how upsetting it'd be if he were sent to the front lines. "I'm sorry," she sympathizes, pausing a brief second before deciding what the hell, "my fiance shipped out a few weeks ago."

Robin looks up, a bit surprised as he moves to stand across from her. "Mr. Styles was called out?"

She shifts uncomfortably, scratching her fingernail across the wooden counter to keep her mind off of the war as much as possible. "To France for training and then assignment. I haven't gotten a letter yet informing me of where he's heading afterwards."

One of Robin's hands move over the counter, patting the top of Daisy's comfortingly. "It's tough, but I can't think of a greater man than Harry Styles fighting."

Daisy pauses, looking up at him curiously. She's never heard anyone say anything remotely kind about Harry before. He's always whispered about, gossiped about, but they're all tells of his rudeness or his harsh words. Daisy, having been privy to both, never really questioned anyone's dislike for Harry. But she'll definitely question their compliments for him.

"You know Harry really well?"

Robin nods, moving to untie his apron. "Grew up with his father. When he passed away I tried to keep an eye on Harryand Gemma. Of course that uncle of his stepped in, tried to raise Harry to be a prick like him-" Daisy giggles, never having heard Robin curse, "but good always beats bad."

He hangs his apron up, reaching under the counter for a small basket of oatmeal cookies. He places them on the counter in front of Daisy. "Free of charge, for Harry." He says, smiling softly. Daisy watches him for a moment, thinking that Robin must be a great father. He's kind, compassionate, but also tough. And judging by the two boys she's met in here before, he knows how to raise a good son. It's then that she realizes he's the only one running the bakery now, and while rations for the war have started, bread is always in demand. He'll be getting busy, busier than usual, and he might need help.

"Mr. Robin," she murmurs carefully, waiting for him to look at her expectantly, "if you'd like company or help around the shop while you're boys are away, I'd be happy to do so. Don't have to pay me or anything, I'd just like to get out of the empty house."

Robin's smile is warm and grateful, and he looks around the kitchen as if trying to picture Daisy back there helping him. Finally, he nods. "I'd love to have you Daisy, and I'd be happy to let you take home the tips for the day."

"No that's-"

"It's the least I could do," Robin interrupts, "owe it to Harry and his father."

She knows by the firmness of his voice that there's no room for arguing, and she knows tips aren't very much right now anyway so she won't feel bad for taking money from him. Plus the holidays are coming up, and she'd really like to get gifts from everyone without having to use Harry's money. It doesn't feel right to use it without him there, but then again, nothing really feels right while he's gone anyway.

~

Dear Daisy,

My training has been completed and I've received my assignment. Luckily for us, I'm staying in France, patrolling Paris in case Germany attacks. I'm sorry I didn't write sooner, it was difficult to find time during the first couple weeks, but you should know that not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of you. I ache for you, long for you so much it makes me dizzy. Patrolling Paris is wonderful, I've been here a few times, but I can't help but find you on ever corner. In the flower shops, laying among the soft petals. In the warmth of the bakeries and restaurant, beckoning me. Swirling in the air around me, shining in the stars above me. It's not the first city I've found you in and I'm certain it won't be the last.

I know I have so much to say to you. Secrets and truths that have been on the tip of my tongue since the night we met, pleading to be told. Oh how desperate I was on our last night together, aching to tell you everything. Again, I'm sorry, for I'm making you wait. I know you hate me, enough to cry for me, enough to marry me. I was once told my parents hated each other as well, and I had never seen love like theirs.

I hope you're staying warm as the days get colder, maybe planting vegetables in your garden in the back. Pumpkins grow well against the wall of the house and my mum has a wonderful pumpkin soup recipe. I'll dream of you tonight, and maybe every night, in our kitchen with the pretty blue apron around your hips, filling our house with a warmth only you could bring. My radio playing in the background, I'll wish to be sat there with you, argue over how you under-cooked the pumpkin just because I like the color of your pink cheeks when we fight.

Stay safe for me Daisy for I need a home to come home to.

-The Harry Styles x

~

Cold winds come with fall, blowing into the bakery every time the door is even slightly cracked. Daisy's lucky enough to be on oven duty, staying warm in the back while Robin works the counter. She's been working with him for almost a month now, finally skilled enough to help decorate the Halloween cookies and package them. Robin does most of the baking, but she always helps, and every time she finds a recipe of interest he goes out of his way to teach her to make it. Daisy finds working at the bakery to be quite wonderful. It's a good way to spend her time and she's never been good at cooking despite her mother's hard efforts to teach her. Meredith isn't much of a baker either so Daisy never learned that growing up either. It's exciting, working here. Like she's got a new hidden talent or secret that only her and Robin know.

It's only a matter of time before her mother or Summer starts questioning what she's been doing during the days, and she's dreading having to answer. Some may it find it silly but if she tells them about her new hobby she's afraid it'll lose its appeal. When she's here, everything is simple. She bakes and laughs with Robin, forgetting that men are fighting a few countries over. And if she's feeling particularly lonely, she can imagine that Harry's just at work, that she'll finish her goodies for the day and take them home in a box wrapped with pretty ribbon, body flushing when her husband praises her.

Even if it makes going home even more disappointing, Daisy will enjoy her time in the bakery. She's nearly curling the ribbon on a package of croissants for the girl on the other side of the counter when Robin says he's going to take the trash out back real quick. They were starting to close up when the lady came in, a Mrs. Weathers as Robin had greeted her, and he instructed y/n to quickly wrap her order. She carries the package over, smiling politely at Mrs. Weathers and charging her.

"You're Mr. Styles' fiancee aren't you?" She asks, counting out the coins in her purse. Her green eyes look Daisy up and down (as much as possible with the counter between them) but she looks more curious than judging.

"Yes ma'am."

Mrs. Weathers hums, accepting her change from Daisy. "Never thought I'd see the day he'd find a wife." Her tone is amused, mixed with a little bit of surprise, and her eyes shine at Daisy with a newfound respect.

"Why's that?" Daisy questions. She knows Harry's not well liked. He's not really liked at all, but everyone has their person. Maybe she's not Harry's person but her family made it so she is. And it turned out to be better than expected. So maybe she actually is his person and she never knew.

"I had a bit of a crush on him myself a few years ago." Mrs. Weathers admits, looking sheepish. "Tried to talk to him on the beach once, maybe get him to take me on a date in that pretty car of his. Barely spoke to me though. Ignored my flirting, even went as far as telling me I was desperate." Daisy cringes at the word. Harry used to hint at her being desperate too, but he never outright said it to her. If he had she thinks she would've hit him.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, feeling the need to make up for Harry's rudeness. "He's got a sharp tongue and an ego big enough to keep his mouth flapping."

Mrs. Weathers laughs, waving her hand. "Don't apologize! It hurt at the time but I'm grateful he's the way he is. I probably would've married him and that would be awful. My husband Terry is the greatest love I've ever known."

Daisy smiles at the dreamy look in Mrs. Weathers eyes, but her chest aches for Harry. He may be rough on the edges, but she knows deep down he's sweet. He has a reason for all his actions, and maybe that's why he's terrible to everyone. A sort of test, wanting to see who cares enough to stick around. Or it could just be him knowing what he wants and being careless. Either way she's proud, knowing she was the one to turn him.

"It just takes him a bit to warm up." Daisy defends, "But I'm the lucky one that stuck around, I suppose."

Mrs. Weathers chuckles, picking up the package and nestling it in the crook of her elbow. "If you say so." She hums, adjusting her scarf and then she's heading out into the chilly air. Daisy stares at the door for a moment, thinking that Harry's actually a lot kinder than Mrs. Weathers and any other person that something bad to say about him.

~

Daisy's crouched on the lowest porch step, fingers begin to burn as she lights the last of the Jack-O-lanters her and Summer had carved yesterday. Harry had been right about the pumpkins, she grew so many that they were able to save two for soup, leave three on the steps here, and take two back to Summer's house.

Tossing the match to the side, Daisy watches the candle flicker through it's smile. She can't help but notice that this particular face has the same little bunny teeth as Harry, even if it's big smile is nothing like Harry's. Her heart sinks, eyes stinging as she pathetically imagines him. Not exactly sure how long she watches the flame dance, wishing it were Harry's eyes in front of her, she practically jumps out of skin when two hands jab her shoulders. "Boo!"

She almost falls off the porch steps as she leaps to her full height, the hands of Gemma being the one thing to steady her. "You scared me." Daisy says sheepishly, holding a hand to her racing heart.

"That was the point," Gemma teases, "it's Halloween." Her eyes look over Daisy, smiling falling. "And you're not dressed up at all."

Blushing, Daisy picks at the bow around her waist. "I was gonna be a kitten but I haven't had time to draw my nose and whiskers on. What are you?"

Gemma adjust the sleeves of the button up, tugging down the too-small sweater vest and holding her arms open. Her hip pops out sassily, "I'm Harry!" Daisy examines her again, realizing she's wearing her version of the outfit they mocked Harry about when wedding shopping. "I figured you could use a little Harry today, and I'm as close as it gets right now."

Daisy's glad she hadn't done her makeup yet, because Gemma's words send her to tears.

~

Dear Harry,

I've never been to Paris but I can't help but find comfort in the city knowing you're there. I'm sure it's not exactly what you were expecting for assignment; you've always been a front line man, but I'm grateful the universe is on my side this time.

I grew pumpkins like you suggested and your mother made the best soup for us after Halloween. I wish you could have been at the house with me. A girl came dressed up as a fighter pilot and I thought of how much you'd enjoy that. Gemma came over to hand out candy and stay the night, which was nice. The house is to big without you in it, but for some reason it made me miss you more.

While your secrets make me nervous, I respect your choice to wait to spill them. At first it drove me mad and I spent days like a tornado in the house. I've found a distraction though, one I think you'll be proud of. An old friend of you father's, Robin, has been teaching me to bake. His son's shipped out as well and we've found company in each other's presence. I don't like cooking, as you very much know, but I really enjoy baking. Maybe one day that'll be our routine. You'll come back from the war, safe and sound, and I'll bake lots of desserts for us to devour while you cook our meals. And of course your radio will be on, and maybe I'll make you dance with me. I happen to be a very good dancer when you're my partner, and no matter how much I try to fight it, you'll always be my greatest partner.

Stay safe for me Harry or I'll have no husband to bake for. With all my heart, Daisy o

~

Rain pelts against her umbrella, ice cold in the November air. It far too late for her to be out here, but at least it's a nice neighborhood. Not as nice as Harry's or Thomas', but still better than the one she grew up in. She doesn't dwell on that thought too long though, because she's still trying to figure out why she came here. Shivering, the red door stares back at her tear filled eyes, daring her to step forward and knock. She wants to, she really does. Wants to go inside, sit next to the wood burning stove she'd sat by with Harry that one time he brought her here. Maybe drink some tea. Maybe wrap a blanket around her frame and cry. It felt too empty to cry in their house. Her sobs echoed and rattled, reminding her she was alone.

Still in her pajamas, she'd thrown on one of Harry's peacoats and grabbed the umbrella from the coat closet, running through two streets worth of puddles. Her soaked socks remind her of that.

Sniffling, Daisy wipes her eyes with the cuffs of the coat, finally stepping onto the welcome mat. Inhaling shakily, she knocks before she can duck out and spend all night crying in the street. Harry would be so upset with her if he found out she was even out right now. He told her not to worry, yet here she was.

It takes minute for the door to be answered, lights flicking on upstairs, and then on the staircase, and then in the living room. Daisy wills herself to calm down, bouncing anxiously as the door swings open.

"Daisy?"

Anne has wrapped her robe around her nightgown, rollers mussed in her hair, and eyes bleary but her eyes widen when she meets Daisy's red rimmed ones. "Oh dear, come in! Get out of the rain!"

She waves her in, Daisy's umbrella dripping water on the rug as she closes it and places it in the rack. Anne shuts and locks the door behind her, immediately reaching to help Daisy out of her son's coat. "I'm sorry," Daisy mumbles, shaking off the damp fabric. Helpless, she watches Anne hang it by the door, bottom lip trembling with surpressed cries.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" Anne coos gently, reaching forward to push back her wet hair. Daisy crumbles under the affection, chest aching so bad she thinks it might crack open to reveal her longing heart to the cruel world. "Are you hurt?"

She shakes her head, finally breaking down. Her body shakes against Anne, shoulders hunching as her mother-in-law wraps her arms around Daisy. Anne shushes her, rubbing her hand in soothing circles over her back. "It's okay darling. You can talk to me."

Somehow, Daisy manages to choke out the one thought swirling through her brain. "I miss him so much." It's simple, but the words make her cry even more after finally admitting it. She didn't realize how much she enjoyed being around Harry, how much better he made her days. Being without him is like missing the broth in the soup, the flour in a loaf of bread, the roots of a plant. Nothing feels right and she hates it.

"Oh darling, I know." Anne coos, stroking her soggy hair tenderly. Daisy feels small in her arms, cradled like a girl as small as Kitty even though her feet are on the ground and not around Anne's waist. She thinks back on when she wishes she were as tiny as her sister, innocent to this kind of hurt, and she can't help but think this night was born out of that wish. Maybe the universe started a war, drafted the one boy she may one day love, just because she was being sad and petty. It's stupid, Hitler's not invading previous German land because she wished to be little again. But it does feel nice to have Anne hold her, tell her she understands. All Meredith’s ever done is tell her to grow up, act her age, learn to cook, get married, have kids. Everything she always felt like she could never do.

“He’s really irritating but I want him back.” Daisy murmurs around trembling breaths, beginning to calm down. Anne laughs, whispering an agreement before pulling back enough to see her face. She strokes her cheeks tenderly, motherly.

“Let’s her you dry clothes and a cup of tea, yeah?” Daisy nods shyly, letting Anne guide her up the stairs and into a random bedroom. She digs through the dresser, pulling out a cotton tee and striped pajama bottoms. The same pajama bottoms Harry owns multiple pairs of. “These were his favorites as a boy. Don’t fit him now but I can’t get rid of them.”

Daisy changes into them in the bathroom, recognizing the scent of Harry immediate. He still smells the same today but more manly. Maybe it's that nice cologne he wears that makes him smell older, more mature. But his teen scent is comforting too. The two of them, feeling small but together. It makes her ache a bit more, but she smiles at it. Maybe Harry's thinking about her, smirking as he fall asleep and imagining her crying. Soulmates maybe, reaching out to jab at her throbbing heart. It's a very Harry thing to do, she thinks.

And she continues to think of him when she crawls into his childhood bed, an old record player playing an album he loved as a kid, with her mug of tea on his old nightstand. Buried in his sheets, it almost feels like he's there too. That's how it should be, husband and wife, buried next to each other forever.

[youarejesting]

Me & the Ghost in Number 23 Part Five

[MASTERLIST]

Summary: Moving into your new apartment on the dance academy campus, you hear it is haunted. You find yourself practising your routines with the ghoulish resident in the second bedroom. Things get heated, except you know ghosts are cold. so…

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Warnings: talks about death being dead he is a ghost.

Genre: Supernatural, Mystery, Drama, Romance, Action, sexy stuff and more. HONESTLY ALL THE GOOD STUFF.

Announcement: Feeling a little better, I wrote this from my bed, so any spelling or word errors are from my iphone’s autocorrect. I think tomorrow I should be feeling better but I am still going to take it easy not to push myself haha.. Thanks for all the support. This is dedicated to everyone who wrote me get well soon messages and Dope Doctor Jin. 

Jimin panicked he had never had anyone look at him after his death, mind you this was through a mirror. He ran, well, floated back through his door. A little upset for scaring him, you started making dinner an idea struck. Measuring out another serve of rice and side dishes, cutting up a little extra meat.  Trying to calm your racing heart. You knew he was attractive from his photo on the cabinet, but seeing him with your own two eyes moving around the apartment. That was too much for your poor heart to handle. His voice was airy and shy he sounded like a young boy scared of the world around him and maybe he was.

Not sure if he could eat, but wanting to put in the effort, to give him the opportunity to feel included. Being dead, you would assume was lonely. The idea of eternity alone wasn’t very appealing. You took a deep breath and knocked on his door. “Jimin?...I-” “Yes?” You jumped turning to your mirror beside his door to see him standing beside you, leaning casually against the wall. He bit his lip amused at your expression “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to scare you” “You're a horrible liar Jimin. Anyway I made some dinner and wanted to know if you wanted to eat with me”

“Really?” “No I just knocked on your door and asked for fun, of course, I made enough for two people, come sit down” Gesturing to the dining room table and began serving the kimchi jjigae. “Look I am sorry about all the mirrors but I really would like to talk with you and see you.” “It’s nice to be seen as a person again” he smiled, “even if it’s through the mirrors, I didn’t realise how much I miss little things like eye contact”

You froze listening to his voice as it grew louder, he wasn’t as hesitant as before, so you could hear his voice almost clearly. It was sweet and crackled when he spoke in lower tones (A/N: love his vocal fry.). You smiled softly handing him a bowl of rice and soup, he grinned looking at all the side dishes. 

“This looks tasty” Eating happily, you watched him in the mirror he looked content. He would hum when he ate something he liked, and that made you feel like you had succeeded. “Tell me if there is anything you don’t like, I know this was your home before it was mine, I don’t want to upset you?” He looked up to meet your eyes. 

“No you are amazing, super nice and quiet, you haven’t tried to get rid of any of my things” He was rambling. Whenever he smiled you noticed his eyes would smile as well it was charming and made you want to let out a loud ‘Squee!’. “Can I ask you something?” You said into the mirror, he lowered his fork and turned to meet your eyes via reflection. “Don’t answer if this is rude or invasive, but, do you really pass through doors and walls?”

“Of course, but I have only been in your room once which was to leave a flower. I promise I didn’t try or do anything, I’m not like that.” “Can you move objects?” He moved the cup around the table slowly and it looked like he was really concentrating. 

“It takes a lot of effort and I get tired easily” “Can I touch you” his eyes snapped up to meet yours “I mean to shake your hand, that may have sounded a little weird”

He held out his hands, elbows resting on the table and his hands straight up and out, you reached forward, looking in the mirror trying to line your hands up. “I can’t really see where your hands are to line them up” “Let me” his fingers felt like a cool breeze between yours as he interlocked your hands. 

“It feels different, I can see it, and sort of feel it but-“ Jimin concentrated squeezing your hands and you felt slight pressure and you grinned “I can feel that Jimin I can feel your hands, this is crazy” “This is the most work I have done since I died” his voice was strained. “Maybe you just need some practice, you can hold my hands every night and maybe it might make it easier” 

“You might be right, I will be counting on you then” as quick as the smile appeared on his lips it fell into a sombre expression his hands relaxed and his fingers slipped out from between yours. “I have to go” Standing and heading to his room, he gave a sad smile “I will see you tomorrow right?” 

You ran after him but he had slipped through the door. You pressed your forehead against the old wooden door and let out a deep sigh. He was sensitive, hopefully, nothing you had said caused him to close up like that. Cleaning up the dinner dejected. Deciding to skip dance practice for the evening you headed into the bathroom, pondering through your thoughts. The water was warm you let it rain over your tired body. 

There was a strange sound. Turning off the shower you listened. Getting closer to the pipes. It sounded like crying you must have said something wrong. The guilt was eating away at you. You couldn’t sleep that night knowing he was upset. 

It was midnight when you heard muffled talking in the lounge, peeking out of your room it went silent. 

“Jimin, is everything okay? Who are you talking to?” In the reflection beside Jimin’s elegant figure was a tall young man, “Hello, my name is y/n. It is a pleasure to meet you. Are you friends with Jimin-ssi?”

“Y/n this is my friend Jonghyun he lives in the studio 8” Jimin introduced you both and you smiled holding out your hand feeling a smooth airy feeling around your hand. “So are you having a sleepover? I can make snacks”

“No I am just clearing out of the studio booth for that Min kid he is a nice guy so I don’t want to scare him in the reflection of the studio glass, he would have a heart attack” he sighed “and I don’t plan to share my booth with anyone any time soon”

Making some snacks the boys sat and spoke it sounded eerie like in the movies when the dumb girl follows the giggles and whispers calling out ‘hello’. Opening a bottle of soul and pouring them both a glass.  “Your new roommate is kind of cute” heading to your room.

Waking once more to a shift in your bed. Maybe he was feeling lonely, you tried not to disturb him falling back into the lull of sleep. 

The sun was pouring in through the window and you frowned, you hadn’t opened the curtain. There was a weight on your side and you were not awake enough to even think about moving. 

“Why is it so hot?” A deep rasp could be heard right behind you and you felt a hand slip from around your waist as they turned in the bed. It took about thirty seconds before you sat bolt upright and screamed.

“WHAT THE F-”

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[gencat21]

Try Again • Jung Jaehyun

I wrote this listening to Try again so if you want to read it and listen to it as well, do that.

Summary: Forgetting a special part of your life wasn't hurtful until you notice that everything around you was about him.

You couldn't remember how everything went down, nor what you were doing at the moment, and the worst, you couldn't remember a lot about your life. The doctor said you were going to be alright after the accident you were told you were in. He said that your wounds weren't severe aside from the memory loss. He also said it was only temporary, but after three months you still wondered where they were. You were never getting back the memories you lost, and it wasn't frustrating for you since you just focused on getting better.

You lived alone in a studio in the middle of the city, but after the accident, your parents took you in for recovery. "Can I go back to my apartment?” you asked your parents, even though you were already an adult. " I'm not getting my memories back but physically I'm fine. Besides, it's better if I return to do my job."

"But please call me to let us know that you are okay." Your mom looks at up and down with a worried look but gives in at the thought that you were anxious being trapped inside the house for three months.

"I will," you reassure her, the next thing you know you are in front of the building where you live. You were told you live on the last floor and that the view from your studio is to die for, and your parents weren't wrong. The first thing that is noticeable is the big window that covered almost the whole wall. There was no door that divided your room, there was a half wall that separated your room from the living room and you couldn't be mad about that. It is a beautiful and simple apartment. You leave your bag on the couch and walked around watching at every piece of furniture you owned, and thinking how a person can forget about something like that. The place is unknown for you and it is yours. You decorated this apartment the way you wanted, you could see that it is your taste. A sky blue and white decoration was just your taste. You walked through the kitchen, found where the bathroom was, appreciated every painting that apparently you did as all well until you find your way to the bedroom. There it also a big window that captivates you first until something else does it. Your eyes travel from the window to the wall behind your bed.

You don't know what to do when your eyes meet his through the distance of time. There were the same pair of eyes everywhere, photographs of the same guy doing different this such as staring at the camera through the mirror, or him just reading a book with the most beautiful smile you've seen in your entire life. For you it looks like a project you could have been working on, but at the same time, you wondered who the guy on your wall was and if that's what it really was. You get on top of your bed and walk closer to where all the photos are and analize what he was doing in every single photo.

How his smile could easily light of a whole room.

How he look so peaceful while he laid on his side on the bed and smiled.

How his eyes would glisten.

And realization stuck you when you feel tears rolling softly down your cheeks without you noticing a moment earlier. Who is this boy? How could you forget him?

During three moments you never thought that there was something special that you had forgotten, and the fact that your mother never mentioned you, anyone, that you might have loved. Never mentioned a name, it never slipped. And that fact makes that you discard that thought. It has to be a project, but why your tears are still falling? Why you feel your heart shrinking by the minute? You let yourself fall on your knees on top of your bed while you closed your eyes and cried.

The urge of crying was so strong that you had to let it go and cry without knowing why. Why you forgot everything about him?

Why there wasn't a name or a number that you could call? Would your mom tell you something about him?

For an hour you set there, your arms around your kneed while you stare at the photos emotionless. Would there be a way that he suddenly knocks on your door? "Of course not," your voice echoes in your room, reminding you how lonely you are, and how peaceful it was. You take a deep breath and take your phone that was beside you and decide to call your mom. After an hour of infinite thinking. "Who is he?" You ask as soon as she picks up the phone. "And why I can't remember him?"

"Honey,"

"Why is there a boy fulfilling a whole wall in my room and you never told me about him the last three months?"

"He's your ex-boyfriend, love."

"But, why can't I remember him?"

"You suffered a lot when you broke up. There's a chance that the most painful moment was erased, and it's better if you keep it that way, " the most painful moment of your life? You stare at photos again and just hang up. Was he important in your life? Or did he really hurt you badly?

Days pass by where you just wake up, drink coffee on the table beside the big window and appreciate the view in silence. Where you also tried to learn more about how your job was and get on track again. You realize that you got out of your parent's house so you trap yourself in your own studio. But you couldn't do that just yet.

You were learning more about your job by going through the files on your laptop of landscape photos you've taken, or different photoshoots of different people. But there's a field that captivates your attention fully, its name was different from the others.

It was actually the name of someone, could it be him? "Jaehyun..." You say while you click it and lets all the photos load. There are videos of him just doing really nothing. Stare at the camera, laughing with a laugh that rings on your ears as if it was a beautiful song, walking on a park, and more. "Where we went wrong?" You ask yourself, observing how happy he was while being with you. You softly close your laptop and look outside for a few minutes until you decide that it is time to go out, and took your camera with you.

You walk through the city without knowing where to go, but you want to walk around and feel the fresh air, nothing more. Your airpods on your ears listening to soft music while you peacefully walked. Minutes later you find yourself in a big park, people were laying on the floor on top of blankets, kids were running around, and everybody seems happy. It is the type of view that everybody wants to see, to know that even if you're sad, people are happy and enjoying life. You lift your camera up and take a few photos where everybody was clear, and where the trees we visible and the smiles were able to appreciate. You take the photo and afterward you start to see all the photos until you see the last one. A certain person standing in the middle to a far distance, just standing there looking somewhere else.

And to say that you didn't recognize him after staring for hours to your wall would be a big lie. He was standing a looking around just like you were doing before. Admiring the view as well.

You can't dissimulate that you were gazing at his features, not even when his eyes meet yours. Although he was far away, you knew he recognized you. His eyes run through every inch of your body, but not in a morbid way, he checked if you were fine because ever since the accident your mother never gave him the chance to see you, nor told him what had happened to you, nor how you were. Knowing how broken you were, she wanted to keep you from being that hurt again. And while you were recovering, she thought keeping him away even if he tried to see, was the best option.

His look changed to a worried one, a look you never saw on the photos. Of him, you just knew his name, and that he broke your heart. But you saw how relieved he was and that was heart-ripping. His feet start to move to you at a speed where he was almost running if he sped up a little bit more, and when he gets to you, without saying a word he pulls you into a hug. "God, you're perfectly fine."

He is a stranger to you, it was normal to push him away. But you didn't. His arms wrapped you around by the shoulders, and you feel like crying where you face hits his shoulders. The same way you started to cry for no reason when you saw all the photos. And the urge to hug him is big as well, so you do. "I didn't know if you were okay, your mom wouldn't let me see you and I had to go on tour. Apparently, you changed your phone number too." He said breaking the hug apart to stare at your face with love. You've never seen someone look at you that way, or felt someone stuck your cheeks sweetly letting you know that they were there, and that you were loved.

And that same feeling let your tears fall. It hurt to see him remembering everything that you've been through while you couldn't remember anything. He remembers your first date, your first kiss, your first fight, he remembers all you don't. You don't know what made you fall in love with him, or what he loved the most about you.

Your heart aches by the thought.

"Jaehyun,"

"Listen, I think we both made a mistake. We fought, we said things that weren't good but we love each other, right? We can work this out."

"Jaeh—"

"I thought I lost you when I heard you crashed, I couldn't help but think the worst and regretted agreeing with you when you said it was the best to break up."

"Jae—" you try to say but he cuts you while he holds your face with both of his hands.

"I need you. We will be alright. I want to try again." Hearing those words broke your heart again.

"I don't remember you," you let your words out and at the same time, your tears start to fall. You want to remember but all the memories were gone, and there was a chance that you would never get them back.

Oh, seeing how much he love you, and how drawn to him you were was painful.

You were meant for each other. Could you really try again?

[likeshipsonthesea]

though you're many years away by eyres, we carry our lives around in our memories by biblionerd07, young hearts, out our minds by junko, Geriatric Road Trip, 2015 by what_alchemy, Nightcall by thegrimshapeofyoursmile, family means no one gets left behind or forgotten by cosmicocean, Ghost Stories by hitlikehammers, And Shadows Will Fall Behind by leveragehunters, Lovecraft in Brooklyn by littleblackfox, where the dread fern grows by silentwalrus -all stucky and over on ao3. I hope you like them!

As previously explained, I’m responding to all fic-rec asks in my inbox for cleaning purposes, and woo boy this is a doozy. Thank you so much for the effort and the amount of recs here!!

though you’re many years away by eyres

When Bucky wakes up 68 years after crashing a plane into the Atlantic, his first question is about Steve Rogers.

He finds him in a nursing home outside New York City. But the story doesn’t end there.

In which, Erskine never made it out of Europe, Steve never got the serum, and Bucky is the one who wakes up in the future.

this looks very interesting! not typically the kind of fic i read, but i can’t wait to check it out regardless :)

we carry our lives around in our memories by biblionerd07

James doesn’t remember why he has a metal arm. The doctors say he had an accident and has brain damage. Sometimes he wishes he could remember. But every morning he gets to eat breakfast with his friend Steve, so it’s not so bad. James thinks he and Steve might be dating, kind of. It’s alright if he doesn’t remember everything. Steve doesn’t mind.

this fic seems similar to one i read like a year ago, and I remember that fic being really good, so i think this one will be too!

young hearts, out our minds by junko

Bucky posts a selfie of the two of them in bed to his instagram.

He hashtags it #goodmorningamerica. Sam Wilson and Pepper Potts retweet it to their twitter accounts.

i’m pretty sure i read this fic like right after i got into the mcu… like even before i got into the mcu, when all i knew was that the pretty blond boy someone kept reblogging to my dash looked sad and i had to know why.. anywho, this fic is lovely and fun and uplifting and thank you for reminding me of it!

Geriatric Road Trip, 2015 by what_alchemy

Bucky was the eldest of four.

this looks so wonderful i can’t wait to read it!! like with only the title and summary and very few tags i already know i’m going to enjoy it :))

Nightcall by thegrimshapeofyoursmile

“This is good,” James says a little surprised and his fingertips rest on a white space of paper while he looks at the black lines that form his face, half-hidden by his shoulder-long hair. It looks dangerous. It looks lonely. It looks-

“I mean I can give it to you and you–wait, what?” Little guy says in confusion, then knits his eyebrows together before it eases into something quite pleased. “Thank you. It’s just a quick sketch, but–I hope you don’t mind me saying that, but this metal prosthesis of yours is quite remarkable.”

“You have a strange taste in men,” James replies without thinking and when he realizes what he is doing he hands over the sketch pad as quickly as possible. He does not flirt with people nor does he try to find out more about their tastes that easily. Not anymore.

Little guy just smiles, looks at him with blue, blue eyes and says, “Well, what are your tastes, then?”

///////

A.k.a The Winter Soldier goes out and finds himself his very own willowy boyfriend.

who doesn’t love a shrinkyclinks fics??? i can’t wait to check this one out!!

family means no one gets left behind or forgotten by cosmicocean

“Why did you think I wouldn’t like you for being gay?” Steve asks gently.

“You’re Captain America.” Eli’s got his teeth clenched and is resolutely looking ahead. “You stand for truth and justice and the American way. You stand for American morals. You stand for…” he shrugs awkwardly. “Not people like me.”

Steve blows the air out of his cheeks slowly, trying to figure out how to keep the anger out of his voice so Eli doesn’t think it’s at him.

Or, Steve comes to terms with his new world, and gains some children in the process.

okay was someone going to tell me there was a fic where steve rogers adopts some gay kids or was i just supposed to read about it in a fic recs by myself?!?!?!? okay that doesn’t really work bc you legit just told me about it BUT OMG I WANT TO READ THIS SO BADLY WHAT THE HECK.. thank you. so much.

Ghost Stories by hitlikehammers

Steve doesn’t like bullies, on principle. It’s less about justice, or decency, or righteous indignation; more about the look in the eyes of the people getting stepped on, the people getting trampled, the people getting lost.

So it cuts all the deeper, when Steve recognizes strength, precision, endurance, capacity: sees the pieces of himself not born but made, reflected in this body, this person, this weapon: the Winter Soldier.

It slices through Steve’s soul when he returns the Soldier’s gaze, and reads the only thing that lives in the deadness that pervades behind those irises in the night.

It’s not You can’t beat me.

It’s more You can’t stop them.

For the prompt: The AU where Steve Rogers sees the best in everyone, and it is that quality that brings him back the person he loves most in the world; where Steve reaches out to help the Winter Soldier on principle, but when the muzzle-mask comes off, he finds Bucky Barnes.

this whole concept??? beautiful. i cannot wait to read this

And Shadows Will Fall Behind by leveragehunters

The world was full of things no one could have expected.

Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes never expected to fall from a train into decades of torture and killing.

HYDRA never expected their perfect Winter Soldier’s programming to shatter.

And Bucky, who’d once been the Winter Soldier, who was now an auxiliary to the Avengers, never expected to look down from a rooftop in New York City, where he was keeping watch over the world’s most ineffectual aspirant supervillains, and see a tiny ball of angry sunshine. Fierce and fearless, he loosed feelings in Bucky that he’d thought were gone forever.

Bucky was determined to see him again. The better thing would have been to introduce himself. Not to stealthily follow him as he leapt across the rooftops, strong and agile, feet touching down like he was doing gravity a favour.

The world may have been full of things no one could have expected, but Bucky probably shouldn’t have been surprised when his tiny ball of fierce, angry sunshine dumped him on his ass.

listen this is a shrinkyclinks loving household and i am so excited for the tol-smol dynamic about to play out in this fic.. thank you

Lovecraft in Brooklyn by littleblackfox

Bucky shrugs. “My brothers wish me dead. But I have claimed this world as mine, and should any dare approach I will slaughter them, and their progeny.”“Oh,” Steve says weakly. “Well, it’s tough coming from a large family.”

umm okay, I , like steve, am mildly confused, but i will check it out bc why the heck not my dude

where the dread fern grows by silentwalrus

Sam’s gotta buy a wedding present, and nothing but elf booze will do.

i love magical realism and who doesn’t want bucky as a witch??? a must-read for sure.

AND WITH THAT we come to the end of this beautiful fic rec, thank you so much for all the recommendations, I can’t wait to check them out and I hope y’all (as in my followers, my dudes) get a chance to read them too!

(seriously this whole thing is beautiful, tysm *cries in gay* happy pride y’all)

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: Cheers for coming yesterday Jimmy: Actually did a decent job on the gifts according to Cass not that she's gonna thank you herself like Janis: No probs, seemed like she had a good time, nice to see Janis: And I'm glad about that, had no idea, awkward age, like Jimmy: I think she did yeah. Better 13th than I had anyway Jimmy: Even if she couldn't bring Twix into the line of fire Janis: Same Janis: All you can ask, yeah? Janis: Don't think Twix is familiar with the idea of a friendly, shit would've got too real Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: Too right. She's a savage Janis: Its why she fucks with her Jimmy: Anyway, if Cass don't text you, let me know and I'll make her Janis: Ain't no snitch Janis: You can tick me off her thank you note list, it's chill Jimmy: Alright Janis: Grace was gutted not to get an invite then I told her Bobby weren't coming and it'd probably fuck up her lewk and she was over it Jimmy: Unlucky Gracie we already had our fair share of mean girls there like Jimmy: Who can compete with tweens Janis: Forreal Janis: past her prime Janis: too bitter a pill to swallow on a Saturday afternoon, like Jimmy: You should tell her its better to get it outta the way. Then your night can go right Janis: So I've heard Janis: you better let her know Jimmy: You're alright Jimmy: Not in the mood for chick flicks and a catch up Janis: Hope it ain't in your not so distant future then Jimmy: Not part of the plan to start dating your sister Janis: She's not the only girl that is down to netflix and chill in this town is she Jimmy: I dunno Jimmy: Haven't asked Janis: Didn't come up? Janis: One for the to-do list Jimmy: What are you on about? Janis: Your new girlfriend Janis: You wanna check before you commit like Jimmy: I don't have a girlfriend Jimmy: not that it's any of your business like Janis: Whatever, not like I was stalking you Janis: hard to miss, that's all Jimmy: What? Jimmy: That I was chatting to the only person our age except my ex Janis: Yeah Janis: Seems nice Jimmy: Wasn't gonna talk to you, was I? Jimmy: She is Jimmy: You'd know if you said anything to her Janis: Don't want your ex and next to be besties Janis: Not a good idea is it Jimmy: Doesn't matter it's not gonna happen Jimmy: I barely know her and I doubt I'll see her again Jimmy: Cass don't need me to chaperone her playdates as standard Janis: I'm very sorry for you Janis: Sure you can make it happen Jimmy: I'm sorry that you're jealous Jimmy: Maybe I could, if I wanted to Janis: Fuck off, I'm not Janis: Idk, ask her if she wants to fake date Jimmy: Why do you give so much of a fuck then? Jimmy: I don't want to, again none of your business but Janis: Making conversation Janis: Sure Jimmy: Why? Jimmy: We aren't mates Janis: Idk Janis: you can tell everyone I'm lonely and obsessed if you like Janis: just felt like it Janis: sorry Jimmy: fuck off Jimmy: why would I do that? Janis: 'Cos we're not mates Janis: why not? Jimmy: Why would I chat shit about you just cause you're my ex Jimmy: and who the hell to? Jimmy: I'm a dickhead, I'm not that dickhead Janis: Whoever you see fit, I don't care Janis: maybe the kid who's bright idea it was to tell you about my dead sister Jimmy: He wouldn't care either, he wasn't trying to chat shit Jimmy: He thought I already knew, since I was your boyfriend like Janis: Of what, all of 2 months Janis: not like we'd sat down and talked about our sad stories yet Janis: Oh well Jimmy: He didn't know we faked it before, I'm not going around with that as an opener Janis: Oh yeah Janis: forgot Janis: well its all on me then Janis: good to know Jimmy: Not like it matters now Janis: Not to you Janis: I'd gathered Jimmy: To nobody Jimmy: He only mentioned that he used to hang with her Jimmy: He's probably forgotten about it Janis: So you reckon Janis: Let's all forget it then Jimmy: Already done Janis: You're a cunt Janis: fuck you Jimmy: That'll be why you broke up with me then Janis: Not how I remember it Janis: selective memory saving your day again Jimmy: Who cares? Jimmy: It's still done Jimmy: how my day's going has nothing to do with you Janis: I do, you absolute moron Janis: Jesus Christ Jimmy: Frame it that I broke up with you then if that's what you need Jimmy: Not gonna change anything is it Janis: Apparently not Janis: Forget it Jimmy: How can I? Jimmy: You don't get to come into my inbox with this now Janis: and you don't get to ignore me forever Janis: i'm not going anywhere any time soon, deal with it Jimmy: I can't Jimmy: I have to ignore you, alright Jimmy: Sorry that I can't be your fake mate Janis: Why can't you be my actual mate then Janis: I'm that fucking bad, yeah? Janis: Cheers Jimmy: Cause I don't wanna be your friend Jimmy: I can't be around you like that Janis: I didn't dump you Jimmy: You didn't try very hard to stop me Jimmy: Whatever I'm not trying to blame you Jimmy: I'm just saying I can't Janis: I didn't know you were gonna say that Janis: it took me by surprise alright Janis: I'm sure I could've handled it better but fucking hell Janis: do we really have to do this? Jimmy: Not like I planned it myself Jimmy: I'm sorry Jimmy: I don't know what to do Janis: No you have to know Janis: Tell me how to fix this Jimmy: All I know is I wanted to kiss you every second we were stuck in laser tag Jimmy: but that won't fix anything Janis: Might Janis: Could've given it a shot Janis: Perhaps not at a 13th bday party Jimmy: I really fucking miss you Janis: I miss you too Janis: that's what I've been trying to say this whole damn time Jimmy: having to ignore you all this time is one of the hardest things I've ever done Jimmy: I near lost my mind yesterday Janis: At least you didn't spend yours giving an innocent girl evils, tryna start shit Janis: I was so angry you were over me already Jimmy: I'm not Jimmy: Couldn't even fake it Jimmy: I reckon Cass knew what she was doing Janis: Shoulda known, its within her wheelhouse Janis: Here's me thinking I was special, pfft Jimmy: you are Jimmy: you had the wrong sibling is all Janis: Gayyyyyy Janis: You're not fucking around? Jimmy: Don't be trying to get with your brother yet is what I'm saying Jimmy: Wanna be my girlfriend again then? Janis: Hold up Janis: you said you don't wanna be my mate even Janis: you gotta tell me you were just being moody Janis: why is this always such a headfuck Jimmy: I can't be your mate is what I meant Jimmy: Cause I want more Jimmy: I know I'm a headfuck Jimmy: but that's the truth like Janis: I am too so Janis: its alright Janis: Can we just Janis: At least TRY to say what we mean from now on? just a suggestion Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: I don't wanna lose you again through being a dickhead Janis: we both know it was me Janis: i've never talked about it, i don't do that Janis: know it ain't healthy, believe me, and the fam have tried but yeah Janis: its my bad for deflecting it and acting like any of it was on you but that's all i could think to do in the moment Jimmy: It's alright Jimmy: I'm as guilty of keeping shit to myself Jimmy: Cass is constantly on at me to talk more Jimmy: I shouldn't have been trying to make you Janis: I dunno, maybe it'd be good to talk about it Janis: least you're not a fucking shrink Janis: or Grace, no offense Janis: but its, well, you know too Janis: we're both fucked, basically then Jimmy: You can try and talk to me Jimmy: Whenever you want and about whatever Jimmy: That's all I was trying to get at when I brought it up Janis: I can see it now Janis: when it happened, everyone just wanted the gossip, like it was no bigger than who kissed who at the disco or something Janis: and Grace thought they actually cared, poured her heart out Janis: I couldn't hack it Janis: It wasn't about you, that I think you're like that, it was knee-jerk, that's all Jimmy: That's shit. I'm sorry Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: Why we moved like, you know Jimmy: Get to be a man of mystery in a new town Janis: Yeah, that makes sense Janis: Did it help? Jimmy: Might've but Cass and Bobby don't know how to leave it there Jimmy: They're just kids Jimmy: All my dad achieved was taking Bob away from everything familiar and Cass from her mates Janis: Understandable, they didn't sign up for this Janis: Or you, really Janis: That's shitty, really Janis: Is your Mum dead, Jim? Jimmy: I dunno Jimmy: I can't answer that for you or myself Janis: But she's...gone? Janis: Sorry, I'm just trying to get it so I don't put my foot in it further down the line, like you said, the kids have said some stuff throwaway, stuff that doesn't sound just like a messy divorce even Jimmy: It's alright Jimmy: Like it's not, but it's not your fault that it isn't Jimmy: I don't know where she is, or if she's still anywhere Jimmy: That's why it's so pointless him bringing us here, she's not gonna pop up in some Irish pub like Jimmy: If she comes back it's gonna be there, distance from it is the last thing that'll help, that's what we had. Still have Janis: I can only imagine how hard that is Janis: Before Edie died, she went missing for about 8/9 months Janis: and we were just Janis: I think if it'd gone on any longer we'd have lost it Janis: not that her, or your Ma, turning up dead or whatever is ideal but Janis: at least its closure, yeah? Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: It's 4 more years of nothing before they'll say it Janis: Fuck Janis: That's Janis: well Janis: did she give any hint or did it just happen Janis: like can you even be angry with her, if you knew she'd planned to then you could but what if its not her fault Janis: that's such a headfuck I'm so sorry you all have to have that in your heads Jimmy: Cass is the age I was now Jimmy: I don't know how to feel about it. I want time to move faster, like you said for the closure, but I don't too Jimmy: It's not alright that they won't remember her properly Jimmy: That I can't even with the memories cause I don't know if they're real or if she was faking it herself all along Jimmy: She might never have been happy. She might not have wanted to go. I don't know Jimmy: All I can be is angry, for them if not me Janis: All you've got is second-guessing and what ifs Janis: that's fucking hard to live with Janis: seen it first hand Janis: not the same situations but Janis: shit Janis: I'm- do you wanna stop Janis: I don't want to make you talk and think about it all but no doubt you do regardless 'cos I know I do Jimmy: Maybe talking is better Jimmy: Not saying shit hasn't worked out well for us, has it? Jimmy: And my dad isn't thriving off it either Jimmy: I don't wanna be like him Janis: You're not, couldn't be if you tried Janis: Like, I get it now, why he is how he is, but you're gonna be judged by how you deal in a crisis, that's just facts Janis: and you can't do that to your own kids, man Janis: at least I didn't have nobody to hurt Janis: well, that's a lie but you know, its not like my Ma went off the rails, fuck the rest of us, you know? Jimmy: He never was this bad until everyone else stopped looking Jimmy: Then he got it into his head that she either didn't wanna be found or there was nothing but a body to find Jimmy: If he couldn't keep waiting he just wouldn't think about her at all. Or talk about her either. I dunno Janis: That's just what he needed to finish him off, more abandonment Janis: There's so many possibilities, too many, those are just 2 of Janis: Guess he wanted some certainty? But its just bullshit, and he knows it as much as you do Janis: Get the impulse but Janis: the kids Janis: you Janis: that's your mum Jimmy: Sometimes my head gets full of all these horrible ideas about him Jimmy: That he kicked her out. Or worse Jimmy: That it suits him to pretend she doesn't exist because he feels guilty for what he did. Or doesn't Janis: Fuck, Jim Janis: that's a heavy fucking thought to carry Janis: if it had been that, there'd have to be some indication, surely, that couldn't just come out of nowhere Jimmy: I've never said that out loud before Jimmy: Sorry Jimmy: I know it's mad but they used to argue loads Janis: I mean, it happens, and you're not mad for going there Janis: you've had years to ruminate without answers, I get it Janis: but, if there was a body, if that had happened, then you'd know by now, there's no getting away with it these days, right? Jimmy: I know Jimmy: But sometimes I wish that was how it happened 'cause if she's out there, living wherever with whoever why hasn't she reached out? Jimmy: No texts or letters. Birthday cards, christmas presents. Nothing Janis: Yeah Janis: At least explain yourself, you don't just get to leave Janis: nobody should but especially not a parent, like Jimmy: We weren't close but Cass was just a kid and Bob was practically a baby still Jimmy: Maybe they found a body but they don't know it's hers? Jimmy: I think about that too, the state she'd have to be in Janis: She still birthed you all, if nothing else, she owes you all that Janis: Of course you do Janis: What else are you going to do in this situation but search forever, wherever you can Jimmy: I've looked for her so many times Jimmy: I think I see her sometimes, that's really fucked Jimmy: But it's not like that when I'm with you Janis: Again, can only imagine Janis: Like, been there but once you remember they're dead then you know it can't be, so its less head-fucky Janis: I'm really happy that I can do that for you, even for a little while Janis: you deserve a break, just from your own head, you know that, right? Jimmy: I can't let myself think so cause the kids don't get one Jimmy: They dream about her every night Jimmy: When they sleep that is like Janis: They deserve one too Janis: I think you give them that Janis: I honestly do Janis: you can't make it all go away but they're a damn sight better off than if they didn't have you looking out for them Jimmy: You mean that? Janis: Absolutely Janis: I'd say it even if we were still being pricks to each other Janis: they wouldn't begrudge you taking time for you Janis: you'll be better for it, do a better big bro job, yeah? Jimmy: Can we go somewhere Jimmy: far as the budget will take us Janis: Yeah Janis: I don't care where Janis: as long as I can see you Jimmy: I'll throw a dart at the map Jimmy: Until then I can come see you Janis: Please do Janis: Just come straight to the barn, yeah? I'll be waiting Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: How many of your family am I gonna have to get past? Janis: Hopefully none if you do it right Janis: Use your ninja skillz Janis: Laser tag was good practice like Jimmy: Challenge accepted Jimmy: I'll think back to our win Jimmy: get it done Janis: Cass shamelessly picked an A team Janis: birthday girl prerogative tho, soz losers Jimmy: good job Jimmy: she's more of a sore loser than you Jimmy: You'd have never got to chat to me over the sounds of her sulking Janis: What a tragedy that woulda been Janis: nice to see your back on top form though boy Jimmy: Take the credit Jimmy: I'm leaving now Janis: Flashback giving me the fear there Janis: ready to shout at you dramatically as you drive away like Jimmy: Meant to say I'm on my way to you Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Good Janis: In a bit 🖤