#wheres the 3rd couple who takes the kid with them lmao

[ewwgene-fitzherbert]

lrb

[mrs-monaghan]

Are you kidding 😭 BTS are trendsetters in music but in personal life. Idols have done more than bts can even think about. These men pushing 30 is only about to take baby steps regarding their dating life where other idols already walked and ran.

Tae is NOT the 1st idol to go public with his relationship. You said the only idol you know except bts is taeyong, that's the problem. Oh btw this taeyong also went public with his relationship with actress and eventually got married. Many second gen idols have gone public with their relationships. If we talk about 3rd gen, Kai literally did a photoshoot with his then gf (Krystal) there were many exposed pics of them also just like Taennie. Another exo member is literally married amidt of protests from all sides. Lisa was/is publiclly going out with her bf no matter what her stans are saying. Momo of twice attended variety show her idol bf was hosting and he was teased about his gf at an award show stage by mc. Just Google Hyuna and Dawn, two idols who were dragged through hell for dating.. still didn't gave af and dated very publicly for years. They are absolute legends when it comes to kpop dating. Jisoo was the one who informed dispatch about her relationship and announced it on her terms and continued her career like nothing happened. Even 4th gen girl Karina had more guts than a man in his late 20s to confirm her relationship (happened last week btw). There are many idols who absolutely don't give af and don't dump their partner's for fans. If anything, Tae is known as a coward among other kpop fans especially BP fans for the spineless act he did after dragging that girl into this shit. And ik most people who read this agree he is coward on how he handles taennie. For Jennie, this must be her worst dating experience lol..when her previous 2 relationships got exposed, bf or their agencies confirmed it in a day while this man acted like she doesn't even exist anymore 🤡

Also idols calling their fans girlfriends is bad right and bts stopped it right? But the only bts member who still does that is JK himself lmao. He literally act like their bf, call them couple cute names, does everything they ask him during lives, say yes when they ask him to be their bf, even during his so called denial of having an actual gf he said he doesn't want a gf currently because he's focusing on career and only want army in his life 🤦‍♀️Y/ns were saying how he made them more delulu just last year alone with his overtly Para social relationship. If you go outside bts bubble, he's one of the few idols who takes Parasocial relationship a bit far according to other kpop fans. Them having discourses how it's not healthy to take fanservice to this extent. He's one of the idols they call more delulu than fans. And I agree, the more you keep y/n away the more relaxed you will be. He's gonna struggle so much if one day he's gonna introduce his real gf lol. Because it was him who was adding fuel to fans heart all this time. And no, its not his 'job'. I didnt saw any other bts members doing or saying anything JK did except playing along with their jokes once in a blue moon. So others may have it a lil easy compared to him lol.

Also I really don't except any bts member to confirm relationship anytime soon. Atleast not in 10 years. Yeah it sounds like a long period but there are plenty of kpop idols and very popular actors who are in 40s and doesn't even have a single dating rumor. I don't think anyone in bts have that nerve to confirm their relationship unless they are getting ready for marriage, which will only happen after many years lol. Well we literally saw how Tae dipped when his relationship with Jennie was confronted or how JK denied about gf and ran other way when the very real video of him with his gf was exposed 😭 None of them are ready to risk anything Fandom have to offer rn for a relationship lol. I think it will be Jhope the 1st one to confirm a relationship from hyung line and Jimin from Maknae line. Because only those two looks like they will take risk for their loved ones, they haven't built their music nor career over y/ns and fantasies and they'll actually prioritize personal life over career, but again it won't happen anytime soon.

Oops

Well you definitely told me 🤣🤣😂😂

Gonna ignore the fact that you think Jikook are straight n just thank u 4 the in4 u gave me about the other idols. I was obviously wrong but that comes as no surprise coz I know dick about Kpop.

That being said, I disagree with what you're saying about JK. I don't feel he needs to pull back at all. His actions speak way, way, waaaaaaay louder than his words. If you out here thinking JK is dating anyone else but Jimin then you slow as hell... I'm sorry.

[pechaberriesandsoju]

Okay, so since a couple of yall are interested in this, I'll go ahead and say a few things. I'll put it under a read more though caus ei might ramble.

First things first, for those who don't know, I'm an ex catholic. I was born and raised in a Mexican Roman Catholic household in the middle of Texas. So you can imagine the amount of religion I had in my life growing up. I stopped being religious sometime before I graduated high school because I went to a private school that was connected to a church. And I mean heavily connected. The church was right upstairs. We had Bible classes first thing in the morning, Thursdays were our fridays, but instead of Bible class, we had like a meeting/seminar type thing where they put us through praise and worship and then sat us down in a dark room playing videos on Christianity and how the end of times were coming and you better have your act together for the rapture type shit. Didn't help that it was grades pre k to 12th. Anyways, this was also one of those schools where the main teacher/principal was gradually turning it into a cult for Jesus. How do I know? Because the rules for the end of the school trips got more intense and crazy and she insisted that only Christianity the church's way was proper. She'd get pissed at me for bringing up anything Catholic or that she deemed "evil." A 3rd grade kid brought a pet snake to school before he was picked up early? That snake is the devil and should never be brought near people or be a pet. The two Mexican students in your class are talking about how they're going to celebrate and honor the memories of their passed on loved ones for the Day of The Dead? Time to lecture them about how it's evil and the equivalent of using an ouija board for an entire class period instead of teaching them math. A student is wearing something that was cleared before the school year started and that even you had complimented yourself until a video about how anything about the supernatural or isn't related to God like Star Wars or Ghostbusters is evil? It is time to accuse that student of taking advantage of the other main teacher's wellbeing to trick her into saying yes with zero proof and when the student had a few witnesses and accuse the student of trying to brew chaos into the school.

It's the last two that happened to me personally and had caused a lot of shit before I reached 12th grade. Mom wanted me to switch schools, but I was already so far in that I just graduated out of spite. Especially because I was one of the incognito gays at the school that actually had the gall to sit there and stare her back down when she tried to sniff people out for trying to get into relationships at school. (First off, ew, Secondly, I was dating my ex online at the time lmao.)

I stopped being religious because of how I've seen how the people around me treated others who were a different religion or religious background. But also because I was getting sick and tired of the fear mongering about the end times. Especially because coming out of 2012, I had gotten intense end of the world fear cause of that December 2012 "world is gonna end" shit that happened while I was at my first middle school. So you can imagine how all of that would wear me down over time sitting in that school listening to them tell little kids and students "oh be good and follow the Lord cause the world is gonna end but also you need to do your work and focus on your future too!"

It made zero sense to me after a while, and I just was like "why should i believe any of you if you keep telling us our future plans won't matter cause God is coming for us but we still need to plan for future education?" It made zero sense.

Plus with how I was figuring out my identity at the time, and I had to deal with a lot of "you don't need medication" for a lot of health issues, including my own mental illnesses. It just made me stop being religious.

I kinda think maybe there's something out there cause humans are complex but at the same time?? It's just complicated because it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth and reminds me of the trauma I've gained.

Anyways that's some Peach/Zilla lore for you and is totally not why I give a few of my inserts religious trauma as well.

[flashflashhundredyarddash]

batkids and their relationships with their siblings headcanons. under read more because this got fucking LONGGG

dick

dick is the eldest so he doesnt want to bog down his younger siblings with his problems, but if he DOES, he tends to talk to jason about it

dick and cass start to really begin to bond when Cass shows up to dicks gymnastics class for 3rd-6th graders and then cass shows up all the sixth graders and they get frozen yogurt after lmao

dick and tim are Very much thick as thieves. tim is very much like bruce on the Emotional Suppression scale, so dick just really wants to make sure his little brother is safe and happy ALL the time

Duke and Damian are the only two really permanently at the manor anymore, so when dick drops by he tries to do something with both of them. duke frantically zoom calls dick every other week to help him with his his trig homework. dick shows up to dukes high school graduation with literally the BIGGEST SIGN

everyone insists damian is dicks favorite but he does actually genuinely love all his siblings equally, his relationship with damian is just Very different from the others because of the age gap and being dami's primary caretaker for a year. dick babies dami every chance he gets

jason

would sell Dick to satan for One corn chip

him and cass don't have the greatest start to their relationship because cass is very much Against Killing so it takes a while for jason to warm up to her and earn her trust. now, though, jason is competing with steph by showing cass all the classic American Teenager things she missed out on. steph is currently winning but jason is like 98% positive a crunch wrap from taco bell is going to push him over the edge

tim and jason are currently competing over who can solve the most cases in a month. tim is winning. that won't last long.

jason Loves to Big Brother duke its so embarrassing. duke will get out of school and go to his car and jason is SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT FRANTICALLY WAVING TO GET DUKES ATTENTION. JASON THAT IS MY CAR. signal has one (1) mission with arsenal and arsenal goes hey did you ask that girl to homecoming yet and duke is like I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

Damian is proof that Actually, Little Brothers are Pests. Jason fully believes that he was brought back from the dead PURELY to torment damian and he will fulfill this mission at any cost

cassandra

it actually really upset her when Dick didn't accept her at first. she knows her other siblings really adore dick so his lack of trust was really disheartening. it takes dick a while but once he Actually Accepts that cass is going to be a permanent part of their life and oh, wow, dick you really hurt her feelings he really hyperfocuses on bonding with cass for a couple of months which definitely improves their relationship

she really likes jason!! their relationship doesn't start well but because he's close with steph and tim who are cass's top two favorite people to exist ever, cass is like well i GUESS ill hang out with him more. jason is fun to talk to because he always tries his best to explain jokes and give context to what people are talking about (also tim took her to taco bell already but she didn't tell jason she just wanted to hang out)

cass LOVES tim. they just click okay. tim always seems to know when to give her space and when to push and come closer. Tim's "guest room" is just her room lets be real. tim and cass occasionally get mistaken for twins and Cass Loves it.

duke makes cass listen to metal once and cass loses. her. damn. mind. they bond over music a lot because they both Love Music to a degree the others in their family don't.

damian!! damian is her little brother!!! dami isn't As Hostile to cass at first because he is 100% aware cass has the edge in fighting and respects her. cass likes all of his instagram posts and they have a snapchat streak going

tim

tim Loves dick, dick was his first sibling!! he had Very strong hero worship when he first met dick but it mellowed out when tim got older because wow 17 is really not that cool and mature lol. tim has an open invitation to dick's apartment which he does occasionally take advantage of. tim has more than once scared the shit out of wally when wally comes over and wally is convinced they're being robbed (HA) for half a second. i mean. he's not wrong.

listen. tim understands that forgiving the guy who tried to kill you would be a Struggle for some people and it was! definitely! but also at least he can trust jason to, uh, be open about if he doesn't like tim. which is not an assurance he has with other people. so if the guy who tried to kill him tells him tim is cool now then like. maybe tim isn't that bad or annoying a person? also jason arrested a whole gang and won the cases competition but then it created a power vacuum that the whole batfam had to clean up the rest of the month. thanks, jason.

tim LOVES cass. you know how most of the time theres this empty feeling inside you and you just kind of ignore it because you don't know what will fix it or if you do, you know you can't fix it? cass makes that empty feeling feel a little less empty. they just click. tim always tries to travel with cass whenever she leaves gotham.

tim and duke. Tim is actually the sibling who duke goes to whenever he has questions he doesn't want to ask bruce or alfred about, like, life or vigilante-ing or school or college or whatever and Tim is always like yes!! i love Giving Advice and Solving Problems!! tim and duke and jason fill out their college applications together.

tim and damian. LMAO. ROUGH START THAT'S ALL ILL SAY. at some point alfred goes like fuck it. family therapy. and tim and dami are PISSED. tim and damian get along best when they have a common enemy to work against. their relationship gets much better when damian is older and they actually talk about their feelings like emotionally stunted bats. despite how bad their relationship was, tim will ALWAYS protect damian

duke

very much intimidated by dick at first. dick is so much older and has his own job and friends and life and is very much AN ADULT. dick likes to take duke out to do lots of cool stuff (paintball, lasertag, tech exhibitions, concerts, etc). also, dick PERSONALLY introduced duke to superman and is dating THE FLASH. 10/10 awesome big brother.

was intimidated by jason for 0.5 seconds before jason actually opened his mouth and started speaking. jason is literally. So Embarrassing. which is weird because nobody else really seems to feel that way about jason but duke knows he's 100% in the right here. like yeah jason is also An Adult and does Adult Stuff but he's also at the manor like every other weekend???? and he always complains about bruce but always seems to be in the same room bruce is in????? like okay jason. they bond over literature!! jason and duke and alfred will spend literal hours talking about books and duke loves it. duke is the only one who doesn't think jason is funny and jason gets so upset about it lmao.

cass has this one week where she gets really into photography and by virtue of being nearby (and also not nocturnal), duke becomes her victim subject. duke prints out all the pictures and hangs them up in his room (his favorite is one he took when he stole the camera and took a really bad selfie of them together).

tim is closest in age to duke so duke tends to hang around with him a lot. tim introduced duke to his young justice friends and duke is like yes!!! meta-friends!!!! tim really helps duke out with his powers because tim is always like wow i wonder if your powers would work if we did This? can you see farther than other people? is your visible spectrum of light different than other humans? Bruce does the same thing but bruce is boring about it lol.

damian and duke live in the same house and will be in the same room and just send each other social media posts back and forth. they follow each other on instagram and will, OCCASIONALLY, make tik toks together because they're tik tok fiends. each of his siblings have visited his parents once or twice but damian routinely comes with him.

damian

damian gets a special bullet point to say that it took him. forever to come around to the idea of having siblings. he very much believed that he was Bruce's Blood Son and everyone else were just tagalongs or allies. it took him ages to acknowledge that dick, jason, tim, and cass were his siblings, so when duke came and like a week later damian was like Ah, Yes, this is my brother Thomas everyone else was like dude wtf

listen. LISTEN. Obviously. Richard is very highly skilled. and also Father values him highly. and also Richard will listen to Damian complain about his schoolmates. and also Richard is much more patient with Damian than other members of his family. listen....,,, (all this to say damian kind of fucking adores dick lmaooooo this kid).

Todd is kind of unbearable but damian has been informed this is both a normal feeling when it comes to Todd and also big brothers. damian was an only child for ten years so yes, Father, if Todd attempts to tickle me I WILL break his fucking nose. yes i WILL put money in the swear jar but I want you to know i don't regret it. they always try to sneak up on each other but mostly fail.

DRAKE!!! but no lol once damian grows up and is like I Apologize for attempting to murder you it was wrong and you are just as much a son to Father as I am tim is like UGH i guess its cool since ur being so emotionally mature and all. also im 2 for 5 on siblings trying to murder me so im definitely going to win trauma bingo and damian is like i take it back you are insufferable. When Will My Older Siblings Stop Joking About Their Trauma.

CASS!!! listen. cass is cool. Cass Gets It. They have a special Bond. also damian really likes it whenever cass is home because 1) he gets to hang out and do something cool with cass and 2) he feels significantly safer with cass in the house because Nobody will be able to hurt any of their family if Cass is there. ALSO he tries to call her cain but everyone is like DONT DO THAT and he doesn't want to call her wayne bcus theyre ALL wayne (dick adds it on as a middle name but also Richard John Wayne West-Grayson is just. the lamest name ever so dick needs to reconsider it before his upcoming nuptials)((dick will not reconsider it except maybe whether grayson-west would work better)) and so he tries cassandra but cass is like :) call me cass and damian is like cassandra is more formal and respectful and cass is like :) and finally damian just has to give in.

Duke! him and duke actually live together so they get the Most Bonding Time and have a bunch of inside jokes as a result. (is it bad i wanted to laugh because inside jokes... joker... i'll see myself out). they're eating breakfast together (and also alfred sits with them IM NOT A MONSTER ALFIE'S LIKE 70 NOW OKAY) and duke laughs and bruce is like what are you laughing at, son? and duke is like oh damian just showed me this funny meme and then he shows the phone to bruce and bruce grabs it (both the boys groan) and after WAY TOO LONG is like "i don't get it" and so now duke and damian have to try and explain the comedic intricacy of bob's burgers

[blue-pastel-cat]

Xiaobedo Fanfic Recommendation

Welcome to my personal “if you are new to xiaobedo peeps please read these” list. As said before this is my personal list so please feel free to reblog/comment/hit me for not including any gem here. I might miss a lot of them because I am drunk or blind. (mostly have them on my to read and then forgot as I am being assault by real life shit).

I would like to say first that so far there are 150+ Xiaobedo fics on Ao3. I can’t review all of them but I can say that I have read a majority of them. Most of them are just pure love and I would like nothing more than a thousands thank you for all the fic writers who spent their free time writting these gems for us to read for free. But these...these takes the cake as it finds a special landing spot in my heart that I would just thrust them into someone’s hand if they say “I am new to this ship can you recommend me?”

1. Orange dust by bobamilkteas (Wes)

In which Xiao learns to open himself up to the world a little more after the collapse of Rex lapis's contracts but it was not always easy for a soul doomed to eternal damnation. Meanwhile, Albedo liked to tempt fate where the extraordinary are concerned.

If only the traveler's comrades are made of saner bunch.

Comment: Long ago when I like both Albedo and Xiao as a character, I was wondering hmmm....will anyone actually even write about them lmao they never met each other. I am surprise to see this one as the 3rd fic in the whole 3 Xiaobedo fic on Ao3 (yeah back when there’s literally only 3 fic for this couple). I was like I’ll read it for the curiosity, I’ll probably won’t ship them. And that people is how I put my clown make up on my face upon finishing reading it. This ONE fic alone convert me into a devotee of Xiaobedo. Please consider joining me in this circus if you want to know what is Xiaobedo. I would put this as the first of my “Big 3″

Orange Dust also come with its compliation of short stories over the course of the game and a big sequel to it. Please also consider reading ALL OF THEM.

2. Solar Wind by birdpriestess (Sparrow)

For the yaksha, his duty was his life, and his life was his duty. No human could ever hope to understand the eternal war he fought out of sight and in silence.

So why, then, did he feel that Albedo would understand?

---

Finding himself at death's door once more, Xiao is saved by a surprising person, setting off the unlikeliest of adventures.

Comment: Do you like crying? Do you like the feeling of getting your heart ripped into pieces as the author destroy your emotions over the end of each chapter as the story picked up the climax? Yeah, this one is for you masochists. The action, the characterisation, the drama THE EMOTIONS OH WOW. I kid you not that it was so good I read this while workinng when I am not suppose to me. Also, this fic has my favourite characterisation of Gold ever. I love that dramatic queen Mad Alchemist. AND DAIN. I LOVE DAIN IN THIS FIC. Our dearest Sparrow manage to toy with our feelings like how I bully ruin guard for big numbers lmao. This is the secound of “Big 3″ of my Xiaobedo list.

Again, just like Orange Dust, Solar Wind comes with its own compliation of short stories of what came after that. Please also consider reading ALL OF THEM.

3. Castle of Glass by AlchemicalStardust (Morgie) 

A black shadow rises over Huaguang Stone Forest. Caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, Albedo flees the shaking ground and the crash of boulders tumbling form the sky. As the dust settles, Albedo finds a young man – an Adeptus – amidst the carnage. Despite the karmic agony ripping his body from the inside, Xiao’s only question is “How?” How did a human survive after witnessing his battle?

Comment: The last of the “Big 3″ of my Xiaobedo list. And it is still on going! Castle of Glass? More like I AM IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTIONS! Have you read a fic about 2 people yearning, longing, reaching out for each other so damn well that you just want to throw your phone in the air as they both had their impending doom coming down upon them? Yeah this is one of them. You will like want to be stuck in the moment they express how much they just yearn for each other’s love and care that you want to shake the author for what comes next. Like...everytime Morgie update I am expressing my gratitude at the end of the chapter by writing on Xiaobedo discord “MORGIE COME HERE AND LET ME BONK YOU WHY ARE YOU ENDING IT THERE”

trust me when you read you will def feel the same. With just Big 3 and their compliation alone that would give you like a LONG list of reading already LMAOOOOOOO

4. Find a place to call it home  by yamajiroo 

Our room, he said. Xiao’s brow twitches. Zhongli never said anything about this. But then again, perhaps he should anticipate this from the beginning...

Xiao looks over at Albedo, who is now tilting his head, his look as innocent as ever.

“Are you not okay with sharing a room?”

Comment: College AU for Xiaobedo! One thing that I love this is the slow burn and what made me LOVE LOVE LOVE this fic more is how cute Klee is in this fic. Their relationship in this one is very simple, but that simplicity highlight why their chemistry work. Xiao is someone who was just very gentle, who was largely misunderstood by his lonesome nature. Albedo was someone who like peace and quite in his introvert bubble. And how they respect that bubble that each other has actually made their relationship work. I love it when fic highlight this and this one captures it.

5. I Can't See Your Face From the Other Side of the Classroom by MissWeaver  

When Albedo and Xiao unexpectedly start eating lunch together, they begin to find that they have more in common than anyone would have realized. They both struggle in their own ways with blossoming feelings, too many assignments, and annoying classmates as they navigate a relationship for the first time.

Comment: I’ll be honest, I usually hate high school au just because its so cliche. I don’t even watch and drama/anime surrounds high school student anymore LMAOOO (unless it’s very good). So if there’s an high school AU that I actually keep come back and read after a couple of chapters, it means that the cliche that I hate wasn’t there or barely was there at all. The pinning in this fic makes me want to bang their head together sometimes LMAOOO The tag wasn’t kidding when they said both Xiao and Albedo are bad at feelings. Also that’s a lot of heart broken caused by these two idiots XD

6. new world, same me, same bullshit  by  bobamilkteas (Wes)

At the belly of Dragonspine, Albedo lost control to the festering corruption that permeated his senses and watched, from the recesses of his mind, as his devoured body turned his allies into enemies. Before his rampage reached its climax, he is sealed in a crystalized confinement by the last hand of Reindottir, where he then reawakens centuries after, in a rebooted Teyvat.

Comment: Yeah I know it was list in Orange Dust but here me out. This sets out in an entirely different universe. And if you like Polyamory, this one has Zhongli joining the duo and I love it because I also love ZhongXiao with my life. Time Travel is my biggest kink. Especially when I am the person who love it when people explore Archon War era/ Alatus!Xiao. So this one hits double of my kink. Of course it is still on going and I will bully Wes whenever I can to see that new chapter. Albedo is a total fucking badass in this story and I completely agree from using him in Abyss so often. Everyone should write badass Albedo.

7. misplaced heart of mine by  inkburn           

“If you are ill, then you should be resting at home. In Mondstadt.” He emphasized Mondstadt with a pointed look in his direction.

“I assure you I won’t be troublesome, Adeptus Xiao,” Albedo said, “You’ll find I’m a rather low-maintenance traveler.”

“Travel,” Xiao scoffed, “without airstep?”

Albedo looked him up and down. “Are your legs just for decoration?”

(albedo is sent to liyue on mandatory vacation. xiao is his unfortunate bodyguard.)

Comment: Most of the time you will see Albedo and Xiao starting their relationship with one of them taking interest in another. But this one took another approach, they starting off by make them hating each other’s guts LMAOOOO and I live for every second of it. There’s only 1 chapter so far but wow it was SOOO GOOD. I am really really excited for next chapter and is waiting patiently ;w;

8.  Blossom of Grace  by birdpriestess  

One day in Liyue Harbor, Albedo watches a street performance by an enigmatic dancer named Xiao. And he becomes completely obsessed.

Comment: Have you ever look at Xiao fight and thinking that he’s one of the most beautiful deadly thing ever? How it was like he was dancing around the battlefield? How about actual dancer Xiao being so absolutely beautiful and perfect and that slow burn of Albedo falling in love with that beauty with a touch of Modern AU and cute Ganyu as the Wing woman. Yes, Sparrow delivers yet again another beautiful slow burn and while it’s still ongoing it is worth the read.

9. i think we could make this work (could get used to this) by outspaced               

“Xiao? What are you doing out here?”

“I—”

“It’s raining,” Albedo says, as if it isn’t obvious. “You could get struck by lightning.”

“What are you doing out here then?” Xiao does the only thing he knows how to do, he challenges Albedo. “It’s raining.”

Albedo just hums. “If I get struck by lightning, it’s for science.”

Comment: A short one-shot where I read the summary and went “This is it... this is their relationship.” I am sold immediately. Oh god Albedo why are you like this.

10. Ephemeral by criedprinz        

“It’s not for your investigation, is it?” Aether asked mildly.

Albedo traced a finger around the sketchbook, considering the question. “No,” he admitted finally. “I... I just want to see them again.”

He opened the sketchbook to reveal the drawing he’d just finished. Aether nodded, clearly recognizing the sharp golden eyes.

“Xiao,” he said. “You were rescued by an adeptus.”

When a visit to Dragonspine goes horribly wrong, Albedo is rescued by an unknown stranger, wielding powers he's never heard of. Led on a search to find out who it is, he finds himself in the middle of an unforgettable encounter..

Comment: A really really well written one-shot that I love. The yearning oh godddd the yearning from Albedo side is just so so much that I have to put it here. (I think you can see the trend here lmao. I am a sucker for yearning). And the moment they get to meet each other again is just chef kiss. MWHAA

11. Idle Yaksha, Brilliant Yaksha by Pit0fTheEarth

Alatus didn’t have a lot of responsibilities to keep. He spent most of his days dancing across the sky and eating away all nightmares that plagued a person’s sleep.

But one fortunate encounter led to too many unfortunate ones, taking his carefree existence and plunging it in darkness. His wings, stripped from him. His gentle touch, replaced by an unforgiving grip of destruction.

There was a lot of blood on his hands. With each passing moment, it became harder for Alatus to recall the last time someone gently held him.

Comment: This is one of the ongoing fic where I am very very much excited on the take of Naberius. And the way the author portray Xiao when he’s still the innocent Alatus is just *clench fist*. Baby ;w; Baby why do you have to lose all that innocence. Also the fic has long LONG flashback to Xiao past and his relationship with Naberius. We are unwielding more what happened to both of them and why perhaps does this have to do with Albedo.

That’s it for now, might add more later! Thank you <3

[myelocin]

Cradle | Sakusa Kiyoomi, Iwaizumi Hajime

Synopsis: First is love; in the forms over the years you come to know. Then second is grief and loss; and how the struggle that comes with it defines and reshapes you. And finally third is acceptance, where you realize that the awakening to love and life’s questions have always just been in the palm of your hand.

This story is for those who shielded themselves from love before it could even hit them. 

Characters/Pairings: Sakusa Kiyoomi x Reader x Iwaizumi Hajime | Seijoh 3rd years (friendship)

Genre/Tags/Warnings: Slice of Life, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Fluff, Slow burn, Seijoh4!Friendship, Cellist!Sakusa, Musician!Reader, Hajime lmao, Mutual Pining, Love Triangle, Happy Ending!!, Character death, mentions of spiraling

WC: 17.5k

a/n: a month long wip! this one is all for you, mom. i broke my heart writing down these memories, but i hope you read this on the other side. + big thank you to @introvertedfangirlpower for the cello facts! really helped me :)

playlist: Message to Myself - Roo Panes

ko-fi | commissions

For you, love began in the unknown.

You say unknown because you don’t remember much of your childhood other than the flashes of residual warmth that came with the memory of your mother. For as long as you can remember, she always felt like that: warm and familiar—like home.

Her presence like the warmth that stays on your coffee mug long after you’ve consumed your drink. Warmth like sitting in front of a fireplace as you watch the last bits of firewood extinguish in the flames.

And your fondest memory perhaps—warm like the hands that cup your face and kiss your forehead every morning before you left for school.

The early years in your life meant days spent in planted gardens outside of a kitchen window where the pink and yellow flowers bloom in the spring, and jumping in the fallen leaves raked in a pile centered in the backyard in the late autumn.

Then in the winters, when it became too cold to lay in blankets in the backyard stargazing for constellations—you’d spend the Christmas nights listening to bedtime stories about her time traveling the world you have yet to explore. “You’ll fall in love with seeing what’s out there,” you recall her saying as she tucks you in bed with the green blanket she knitted for you when you were a baby.

Though you suppose even if you loved the winter months with her the best—you could never go wrong with sipping the iced tea she’d leave for you on the porch in the afternoons you spent outside in the summers. The iced tea she made was always the best: never too sweet, and never too bland either.

And for the most part of your childhood, your father was absent. You didn’t really care; his absent never lingered. So even when the bratty kid from the classroom next to yours would brag about the brand new jacket her papa bought her from a trip overseas—you didn’t care. The jacket you wore was still the same one from last year, and the scarf wrapped around you was the one she knitted two winters ago, but the way she wrapped you up and kissed your nose made the taunting escape your mind.

Your mother would tell you stories about the times when you were a baby and of how she’d tuck you in nice and snug in your blanket whenever she felt the room was too cold and then fan you out when the temperature rose. Apparently, when you were a baby you never cried too much so she was left to guess whether you felt comfortable enough with the room’s temperature or not. She always finished the story by saying you smiled at her either way so she supposes she guessed right every time.

You don’t question it because she guesses right every time.

During father daughter dances that were annually held in your school, your mother always made sure to take the day off of work early so the two of you would have dinner some place nice instead. Her jokes were better than the ones your dad halfheartedly chucked your way when he did come to visit anyway, so you didn’t mind.

Your father ringing you up three hours before the dance with the last minute classic excuse of “sudden meeting today, I’m sorry.” didn’t bother you as much as you think it should have when your mom was right next to you ready to tell you another story from her younger days.

Her “younger days” as she liked to call it was always a favorite topic of hers that she always returned to from time to time. At eight years old, it felt like there was so much of the world still to explore and despite her telling you to live your childhood to the fullest, you didn’t ask what it meant and requested to hear an encore of the story she just finished telling.

She’d smile and you’d hear her tell you that no, and that you should have listened, but you know during the “father daughter” dinners shared between the two of you, she was extra soft and that it would take nothing more than pleading eyes and one more “please” before she’d relent and tell the story again.

She was always enough; every second with her felt just right—and if there’s something you never regret during your childhood, it’s those times where you’d ignore the teasing of having “no dad to dance with” from your childhood bullies because you were more than content with the superwoman who raised you anyway.

-

If there was someone in your childhood other than your mom who never hesitated to hold your hands—it was the boy who lived right down the street: Iwaizumi Hajime.

“He looks a little scruffy,” your mom used to tell you and you’d shrug at her words because to ten year old you, she did have a point. Boys were icky.

His family didn’t move in your street until you turned ten years old, but according to the Oikawa family who lived next door—the Iwaizumi family had already been one of their long term friends. Tooru, the pretty boy who was your next door neighbor and often brought you the Christmas cookies you’ve come to love every December didn’t hesitate to knock on your door and ask your mom for permission to bring you out and play.

Tooru was okay, you thought; he had nice hair and a pretty smile even though he wore alien t-shirts every chance he could get. But, he was always kind enough to remember that you preferred almonds in your cookies instead of the cashews the recipe called for. So when your mother looked at you for your answer, you nodded shyly before running to your room to grab the jacket and scarf she reminded you to wear. The chill from autumn’s air has been settling in the region lately, so you let her wrap the scarf around you tightly before you left.

She did the same for both Tooru and his mystery friend, and you could only nod proudly when Tooru introduced his friend to your mother with, “This is (l/n)-san, she’s the nicest auntie here!”

You don’t notice the boy who walks quietly beside Tooru until the three of you reach the park. When you do finally notice him, you subconsciously find yourself moving a little closer to Tooru, your puffy cheeks hidden in the layers your scarf buried you in.

“Oh!” Tooru suddenly exclaims like he just had an epiphany.

“(Y/n),” he says as he turns to you and grabs the sleeve of your jacket, “—this is Iwa-chan. My bestest friend!”

Iwa-chan, the boy introduced to you peeks at you from Tooru’s left side and puffs his cheeks, “My name is Iwaizumi Hajime, nice to meet you.”

“Hello, I’m (y/n),” you reply and tentatively hold your hand out as an offer for him to shake, “nice to meet you Iwaizumi-san.”

His cheeks turn red at your words and you fight the urge to laugh at how silly it looks with his pout when he says, “You can call me Hajime. Nice to meet you too.”

Beside you, Tooru must have thought that his friend was taking too long to respond because he sighs loudly and grabs Hajime’s hand and clasps it on yours. “Iwa-chan, you’re supposed to shake her hand! Not stare.”

The red tinting his cheeks turn into a couple shades darker as he shakes your hand and turns his head to the side after muttering something along the lines of, “Baka-kawa.”

You smile at him when he faces you, and then smile even wider when the blush on his cheeks turn even redder. Maybe it’s just the cold air, you think, but none the less it suited him.

His hair was a little scruffy and he liked to wear Godzilla t-shirts under his jackets, but his cheeks blushed a pretty shade of red when you smiled at him so when your mom asks how your day with Tooru and the new neighbor went, you smile at her and say, “Mama I made a new friend!”

Hajime seemed nice, you suppose.

-

And you’re right because Hajime was always kind; he smiled in a way that had you smiling along with him in mere seconds. Though he was a little rougher with Tooru, Hajime always made it his mission to make sure he held your hand—if you needed it—when you needed to jump down a big step; the ever present blush on his cheeks when you’d beam at him stayed regardless of whatever season so you suppose you can’t blame it on the cold air anymore.

During your summer breaks, the three of you would spend the afternoons in your mother’s backyard sipping iced tea and catching cicadas. Tooru, along with you, would whine about how gross bugs were but you’d sooner relent than him when a pout began to form on Hajime’s face.

“You don’t have to,” Hajime says and takes a seat next to you on the swing next to the rosebushes. Tooru, from a far would yell triumphantly before tossing the volleyball he’d brought with him from home again. You, on the other hand could never have it in you to see Hajime upset so you’d pick up one of the three nets he’d brought with him and nod towards the garden.

“It’s okay!” you say and offer him a sweet smile when he’d look up, “as long as you keep the worms away from me then it’s okay!”

“I’ll keep them away,” he replies suddenly looking excited. Hajime jumps from the swings to grab another net and tugs at your hand to run towards the garden; he chooses to ignore the look on Tooru’s face when the latter shoots him a knowing smirk.

Bugs were never your thing and there was also never a day where you thought you’d be out in the garden running hand in hand with a boy trying to catch cicadas on a summer afternoon—when you’d much prefer to be sitting in a picnic blanket with the family dog who always nudged your hand for belly rubs. But then again, when you see Hajime, the kind boy with the infectious smile who always held your hand when you crossed the street or jumped from big steps, beam at you with his laughs ringing in the air—you conclude that it can’t be so bad after all.

When the sun would set and the three of you would let go of all the cicadas you caught, your mom would sit the three of you down for dinner and talk about your days.

“Ah, youth,” your mother would comment and you’d nod along, smiling because if this is what she meant by the beauty of youth—then you don’t ever want to let this go. If youth meant summer afternoons spent catching cicadas, festivals in the autumn, hot cocoas in winter, and picnics in the spring with Hajime and Tooru then you decided you really don’t want to let it go.

You think that especially when you look at the table across you as you smile at Tooru shoveling his dinner down and smiling at your mom because she was the bestest cook ever and laugh when Hajime’s always the one offering to pass the salt or the dish your mother asked for.

“Haji is really smart, mama,” you say looking up at the woman seated next to you and Tooru would whole heartedly agree then mutter something about “Iwa-chan” being really good at arm wrestling. Hajime would flush with the familiar shade of red you’ve grown accustomed to at Tooru’s comment but tell your mother a polite thank you when she’d clap her hands together and agree with Tooru’s compliment.

That night when your mother tucked you in for the night and moved to turn off the lights in the bedroom, she tells you that Hajime and Tooru are nice boys and that she’s glad you befriended the both of them.

You tell her goodnight and smile into your covers, feeling warm at the thought of your mother’s words, Tooru’s laughter, and Hajime’s kind smile.

-

High school was a strange time for the three of you.

Strange, in the sense that even though the three of you maintained the closeness of the friendship you’ve shared since childhood—certain things factored in the evident shift in some relationships.

Tooru was one example.

You would give up an arm for him in a heartbeat if it meant it would save his life, but at the same time, there are some moments where you wouldn’t hesitate to rip off his arm just to get him to shut up.

He’s always been perceptive, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise when he came to your house one day, plopped himself on the beanbag he claimed to be “his spot” at the corner of your desk, look you dead in the eye, and declare, “You have the hots for Iwa-chan don’t you?”

Internally, you wince at the statement but outwardly maintain the air of nonchalance you’ve mastered over the years. Tapping your pen on Tooru’s forehead, you click your tongue, “If you don’t finish your essay by today, I’m not gonna edit it for you.”

“You’re changing the topic, (y/n),” Tooru quips and if the conversation was about something different, you’d smile at the sing-song tone he was using.

“Changing what?” You ask.

“(Y/n),” Tooru replies, dragging out the last syllable of your name, “—you’re so obvious, even Makki and Mattsun could tell.”

“Could tell what?” comes Hajime’s voice from the doorway.

You let out a sigh because in a way you’re thankful for Hajime’s impeccable timing in entering your room. You turn your head and glance at him from your desk, offering him a lazy wave as a greeting.

“Iwa-chan!” Tooru exclaims and scrambles on the beanbag to sit up properly. “How much have you heard?”

“Were you talking about something important?” Hajime asks with a flat tone as he sits on your bed and pulls out his laptop.

“Your mom asked me and Oikawa to stay for dinner tonight, by the way. That cool with you?” he asks.

You look at him, the expression on your face quizzical, “Haji, you guys always stay for dinner. Mama and I love having you two around.”

From your peripheral vision, you could see Tooru look between you and Hajime back and forth and for once you’re glad he chose to stay silent.

But then when a familiar tinge of red falls on Hajime’s cheeks and you smile fondly at him, Tooru suddenly hollers, “(Y/n), that’s what I mean. You totally have the hots for Iwa-chan!”

Hajime’s eyes widen as you slap a hand over your face.

Today was one of the days where you decide you want to rip Tooru’s arm off.

-

Dinner later that night was, to put it bluntly, awkward.

You figured your mom must have already read the atmosphere by now but as of the moment all you could really do was shoot glares towards Tooru from across the table. Usually, the seating arrangement would be like this: you sat next to your mom, Tooru right across you, and Hajime diagonal from you.

Tonight, Tooru decided that it was time to “switch things up” and traded seats with Hajime.

“Ahh, this feels nice,” he says as he sits in the chair inches away from the chair where he sat for years.

“Boys,” your mother begins, “I heard you both got into the volleyball team.”

Tooru beams at her through a mouthful of pasta. “Yeth!” he chimes and Hajime elbows him on the side reminding him to eat properly before responding. You, along with your mother give a soft laugh at their interaction.

“How are you three liking high school so far? I expect the two of you to get rid of any boys who have bad intentions towards (y/n),” your mother says as she sips on her wine. Internally, you groan, because this was a conversation you would much prefer to not have. Especially in front of Tooru, you decide when he grins with an undertone of something you could only guess was anything but good. You shoot him a warning look; Tooru decides it’s a good day to ignore you.

Over the years, you made your appreciation known towards Hajime’s amazing timing. It was like he had a sixth sense when it came to either you, Tooru, or the both of you simultaneously. He had always managed to round the corner right as the passing university boys would spot you alone by the convenience store, catch Tooru before he did anything too drastic whenever he blamed himself a little too harshly for a loss from a particularly bad game, or like earlier that night—walk into a room interrupting a conversation you would rather avoid altogether.

This current situation was not one of those times.

Hajime took a bite. Your eyes were still locked on Tooru who did everything but look in your direction.

“I don’t think that’s a problem, (L/n)-san,” he said and leaned forward. Your mother next to you raised an eyebrow in question and muttered an, “oh?”

Hajime took another bite, still oblivious to the current conversation. You still looked at Tooru who smiled at you in a way that had you gripping the fork in your hand a little tighter.

“No scary boys around (y/n), at all! Isn’t that right, Iwa-chan?” Tooru exclaims and looks at his best friend next to him who was still engrossed in his plate of food. You hold your breath looking at Hajime as you wait for his response.

“Huh? Yeah. Anyway, this new recipe is really good (l/n)-san,” he finally says and nods towards your mother. Tooru clasps his hands together, smiling.

“Personally,” Tooru begins, “I think Iwa-chan and (y/n) would be the most perfect couple!”

You run your hands over your face, already feeling the heat crawling up your neck. Feeling your mother’s stare you let out a sigh and face her. “Mom-“

“Hajime! That’s great! I was wondering when the two of you would get together, it’s literally been years.”

You stare at her. Hajime stares at her; pasta sauce is smeared on the corner of his lips.

“I know, imagine being the third wheel this whole time!” Tooru comments.

-

“Hajime’s a nice boy,” your mother tells you as you join her in the living room after Tooru and Hajime returned home.

“We’re not, a thing, mom,” you say despite her laughing at your tone.

“I didn’t say you two were a thing.”

You open your mouth, but eventually close it when you come short of a response. She had a point.

“Mom,” you groan, “Haji is nice. Tooru is nice. Both of them are nice.”

“I know that, (y/n), you’re just being defensive now,” she laughs and you can’t find a retort so you huff in response.

When the room is dips into silence, you grab the familiar green blanket folded on the corner of the couch and take a seat next to her. She looks at you when you lean against her shoulder and drape the blanket over the two of you.

“(Y/n),” your mother says softly.

“Yeah?” you respond, looking up to catch her gaze—the kind where it’s steady and soft.

“Never lose yourself if you decide to give your heart to someone. I raised you well enough and no boy should ever make you feel like you’re taking two steps back,” you know she doesn’t say it to spite Hajime, but the message and advice in her words reach you anyway.

“Never in a million years.”

-

You know your mother means well because everything she’s done so far was because it was for your sake. Her credit of being a good mom was well deserved: a full time nurse and a full time mother wasn’t an easy feat but she did it—and not a day goes by where you felt like you had to fight for her time.

And because of that, you knew in your heart that Hajime knew the both of you enough to understand the dynamic you had with her; for that, you were always thankful.

True to Tooru’s words, it only took the both of you six more months of back and forth bickering in your room before you eventually built up enough courage to stand in front of Hajime with your confession written neatly in jet black ink on paper tucked inside the pink envelope Tooru had demanded you to use.

He was quiet, and staring at you long enough for your cheeks to turn as pink as the envelope you were holding that it had you beginning to wrack your brain for excuses to turn and walk in the opposite direction. Only, when you looked up, cheeks flushed and the “Sorry I think I have to be home early to put my fish to sleep,” at the tip of your tongue—you stop because Hajime’s looking at anywhere but you and because his entire face is red.

You still have the envelope awkwardly stretched out towards him so when you move in attempt to retract it, his hands are suddenly clasped over your wrists and he’s looking at you, red face and all, saying, “W-wait—“

The both of you must have been quite the spectacle for the way you’re staring at each other, red faced, and waiting for the other to begin speaking because you could definitely make out Takahiro and Issei’s snorting from some feet away.

“—shit,” Hajime continues and the way he’s still staying silent and going back to avoiding your gaze has you tugging your wrists out of his hold and sheepishly telling him, “Sorry, this is a little awkward isn’t it?”

You’re standing in front of Hajime with your hands holding the letter behind your back and an awkward smile on your face.

“(Y/n), this is really weird—“ he begins and you’re shaking your head automatically at his attempt to soften the blow by waving your arms—and the letter—in front of him saying, “Haji! No! It’s okay you don’t have to say anything, this was a really bad idea—“

“No, I mean—“ he cuts you off then pauses as he’s sifting through the contents of his bag and pulling out a slightly crumpled envelope, the color a disturbingly identical to your own.

You look at Hajime. Hajime looks at you, at his envelope, then towards yours that paused with your hand midair. Issei and Takahiro’s laughter can be heard even louder from the background when Hajime runs his hands over his face and exclaims,

“Oikawa you son of a bitch.”

-

Two years and some months ago, Oikawa Tooru—the self-proclaimed “love guru” between you and Hajime had declared to have pulled off his “greatest plan.”

Apparently, the original plan called for only you to confess to Hajime via the classic love letter—but Issei and Takahiro had thought that the shits and giggles were worth to have both of you confess to each other at the same time instead.

Tooru always retells the story in the fashion where he leaves out Issei and Hiro’s names out of the credits. On the contrary, you and Hajime don’t have in in you to react much.

In the beginning, Hajime the friend held your hand through many of your highs and lows.

From age ten, he’d always make sure to hold your hand when you’re jumping from steps a little too far for your liking. At twelve, he’s holding your hand as he leads you away from the worms that found its way near the picnic blanket. At fifteen, when the two of you accidentally confessed to each other thanks to your friends’ schemes, he held your hand as he pulled you in the direction opposite of Tooru yelling, “Iwa-chan, don’t forget I’m the best wingman!”

Hajime, the boyfriend, had continued to hold your hand as well as share a multitude of your first throughout the years.

Your first date where he’d always let you walk on the correct side of the sidewalk, and make sure to squeeze your hand whenever the two of you would pass by a group of boys who let their stare linger. Your first kiss—a quick peck after a game where he’d rushed to you, lifting you up and planting a kiss on your lips before either of you could even process what was happening.

A reassuring hand on your back in the train ride during rush hour, kisses on your knuckles when he thought no one was around in quiet libraries, and your favorite: the feel of his thumbs tracing idle circles on the back of your hand when you’re watching him review the game you recorded earlier.

You were each other’s first “I love you,” when you’re seventeen, which was said in the hours between the day and night on your walk home down a quiet street you’ve skipped, ran, and biked across countless of times. You heard it break the silence before you said it with your own lips, because the way Hajime said it was like he was just talking about the weather that day.

When the two of you stop in front of your house and Hajime’s facing you, he’s smiling in the way that has you blushing instead of him this time and he’s looping your scarf even snugger around your neck after muttering some comment about how cold it was that day.

“Haji, did you just tell me you love me?” you ask him when he’s zipped up your jacket and you’re peeking at him under the various layers of the scarf he secured around you.

“Yeah, of course, I love you.”

“This is the first time you’re telling me that,” you say with an almost bashful expression and your eyes are cast down so you don’t end up seeing Hajime’s eyes widen at the realization dawning on him.

“(Y/n), shit—“

“I love you too, Haji,” you cut him off and even if the expression in his face is still a little apologetic at the lack of climax of your first exchange of I love yous, he’s holding your hands and pulling you flush against him in an embrace, his proclamation of more “I love yous” fluttering against your ear in warm breaths.

You think about it sometime later when you’re clearing up the plates on the table from dinner and you ask your mom, “how do you know when it’s right to tell someone I love you?” and she looks at you with an expression that says she knows exactly what you’re talking about but humors your attempt at nonchalance as she replies with, “It just slips out as if you’re talking about the weather.”

And the way she says it has the second thoughts just automatically leaving your head. You tell her “I love you,” in the mornings before she leaves for work and you don’t really think about it—not because it’s a passing comment, but because you just simply love her.

The feeling’s there because what you feel in the moment is as genuine as it can get, so when you think about Hajime from seven years ago who blushed red when you shook his hand and the Hajime seven hours ago who told you he loved you like he was talking about the weather—everything dawns on you in the way that feels right. No second thoughts, deep analysis, or euphoric moment.

>> to hajibug:

>> 23:50: i love you

-

In college you decided to pursue music as a career choice. Music was one of the many things you and your mother had bonded over but watching you play in first chair always gave you the best view of her beaming from the audience.

Whenever somebody asked you why you decided to pursue a career in the field as vague and competitive as music—for a long time you fumbled with your words as you struggled to piece together a coherent enough sentence that would make it seem like you were chasing something for a “deeper” reason. Though, the truth is—you just happen to enjoy it.

The way the shoulder rest snapped perfectly in place with the violin, the weight of the bow in your hand, the smell of rosin during practice, the tuning before the concert started before hearing the eventual mess mold together into one harmony—you loved every second of it.

On the final concert of your first year in college, a week before Hajime’s move to California you stood in the orchestra room reading a text from your mother saying that she couldn’t make it this time because of a doctor’s appointment running later than usual.

You still sat in the first chair of the first violins section and even though you would have loved nothing more than to see her smile at you from the crowd—it was in the coda of the final song where  your eye finally catches Hajime watching you from her seat. When the violins put their instruments down in the measures of rests, you glance over to look at Hajime while your toe continued to tap the counts remaining until you’d play again.

You bite back a smile because he looked a little uncomfortable from the high collar of the suit he put on. Tooru’s probably the mastermind, your thoughts chime in as you smile and tuck the violin back in between your chin and shoulder, your rosin covered bow hovering over the E string.

And when the final count of the rests came and went, you could only smile as you see Hajime physically hold his breath as the violins amplified the crescendo of the climax.

-

It was later that night when you finally made it home that you realize that perhaps your favorite part of the song was when you felt the emphasis of the dynamics in the pieces you played.

The moment of absolute silence as the conductor draws everyone’s attention to the tip of the baton.

“(Y/n),” your mother starts and your eyes lock on the slight tremble in her hands.

The seemingly collective sharp breath everyone takes when the tip of the baton begins to signal the final counts until the start. Your fingers pressed on the first note as your bow hovers over the string.

“What’s wrong?” you ask but you let your fingers only ghost on her hands when she holds her silence, refusing to meet your eyes.

Sometimes it begins with a quiet note—and you smile at those because it sounds like a whisper despite it ringing in the auditorium.

“I’m sick,” she says and what she says doesn’t register in your head.

Other times, the first note comes in forte and leaves everyone in a resonating silence while the following notes interlace and begin to tell the story.

“I have cancer, (y/n),” she tells you again, louder this time and her sobs echo so loud in the silence of the house that it suddenly makes you want to throw your hands over your ears.

The conductor is waving the baton; you’re closing your eyes as you mold yourself with the music and focus on nothing but your fingers flying across the fingerboard and making sure the timing of your bow matches the tap of the rhythm set.

“Mom, you’ll be fine right?” comes your assurance in question and she’s not answering because she’s crying harder.

First position to third, then fourth, then something else you don’t quite remember as the pressure from your bow presses harder and harder on the strings to climb with the crescendo the orchestra is rising to.

She looks at you, glassy eyes and trembling lips, then holds your face in between warm hands as she presses her forehead against yours.

Then as the baton drops and the crescendo overflows—the air around the room instantly changes. The shoulders relax and the movement of the bow shift from staccato to legato as the music continues to flow.

“I’m scared to leave you alone,” she finally admits and you finally break down and cry with her because you realize you have no one but each other.

You cry because she’s crying at the thought of leaving you alone when she never cried at all the times your father chose another family over her.

And as the music decrescendos into the whispers of pianissimo, you close your eyes as the gentle sway eventually lulls to a stop.

It’s half past ten and you’re still in your formal wear, but your mom’s fast asleep on the couch. The air from the AC brings you to a light shiver so you shuffle closer and pull the blankets tighter around her frame.

The last note drops and resonates in an almost infinite echo. Your eyes snap back open you feel yourself exhale.

For a moment the auditorium is in silence.

You sit on the floor next to her and listen to the sounds of steady breathing. You could pretend it was just another movie night where she fell asleep on the couch, but the telltale tracks of tears are on her cheeks and you hear her sniffling from time to time so you sigh instead.

Then, the audience erupts in an applause.

In your room, you put your palm over your mouth and begin to cry again.

-

“I love you so much,” is what Hajime said two years down the road when he decided to move to California to finish his studies.

First, he’d made a stop at your home and sat with your mother over breakfast as she wished him well on his new adventure. By the time he was at the door, it was the first time you saw Hajime cry for and with her when she wraps him in a scarf she knitted just for him. You watch softly, as he wraps her in a hug and parts with a promise to always take care of you despite the distance and wishes for her healing.

You’re standing at the border of the gate only Hajime can cross where he’s wrapped you in a hug with his chin resting on your head.

“I love you so much,” he says and you nod your head against his chest. He’s saying it as naturally as he always has and your reply is as immediate and natural when you say, “I love you too, Haji. So much.”

“(Y/n),” he starts when he pulls away from you and looks you in the eye; he’s suddenly serious and you’re afraid.

“If you ever feel like you don’t want to keep doing this, then we can take a break.”

Your brows pinch together as you reply, “Why would I want to break up with you?”

“I’m not saying we will, I just don’t want you to shoulder too much because I know how much you’re hurting right now,” Hajime explains, and his eyes are as genuine as the tone of his voice.

“Haji—“

“I believe in you, though, just—“ he pauses and his eyes soften before he continues, “take things one day at a time and remember that I’m here loving you every day, okay?”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” he finishes and you only nod at his words because the fact that you’re going to miss him really begins to hit you. Hajime’s looking at you in the tender way where you know he knows you’re about to cry because he pulls you in another embrace before kissing the top of your head as he murmurs his parting I love you in the quiet tone only you can hear.

When Hajime crosses the gate and turns the corner, you can’t help but bite your lip to keep from crying. Only a couple more years. You could take it.

-

It’s in the next eight months where you realize that while Iwaizumi Hajime shared your first love—he was also your first heartbreak.

They always said that long distance was difficult and the fact that you and Hajime were even trying was commendable enough. But that was the problem—commendable sounded like you were in the relationship for the sake of a prize. Like you were suffering through the now for a prize. Like the good part was only a one-time thing reserved at the end.

It felt wrong, and looking back at it now—perhaps that’s where the downfall began.

As time passed, your mom’s illness worsened. Cancer was ugly and it let itself be known in as many ways as it could. Time and time again, you’d watch her hair fall in strands, then clumps, until she eventually decided to shave it off for good. She smiled at you and you don’t hear her tell you, “It’s okay,” over the buzz of the razor. You don’t think you have the heart to listen to the quiver of her voice that you know is present with her words, so you suppose the loud buzz worked out in the end.

What broke your heart the most was seeing her excitement when her hair grew back after a pause in her treatment—only for her to sit down and tell you that she’s “okay” when you’re shaving off sections of her hair again.

You didn’t let her see you cry because you wanted to be as strong as she was in this; because you knew the both of you broke down within enclosed walls away from each other. Though every time you were face to face—the front was always back up. And the front was flawless; like the edges of a chipped sword finally smoothened back into a blade. But at the same time, flawed; because like the sword—the sharpness always kills.

It was unconventional, but it worked. The momentary sigh of relief was still moments of relief at the end of the day.

Hajime, on the other hand thought differently though. The second you’d answer his call request on particularly off days, he’d tell you to cry. And you would; fat drops of tears rolling down almost as soon as he finished his sentence.

Then only a year of loving each other through a computer screen passed before you realized he became your pillar at the same time you began hardening.

“Never lose yourself in the pursuit of someone or something,” are the words from your mother you consciously make an effort to tell yourself everyday even as you sit in with your phone in hand waiting for the call Hajime promised you early this morning.

And you’re well aware you’ve developed an unhealthy habit as you’re lying in bed, fighting sleep with the time on the clock nearing 4am still waiting for Hajime’s call. It wasn’t the first time he missed a promised phone call—and you weren’t mad because you understand that he has as much of a schedule as you do and that time difference was a wedge the two of  you needed to work with.

But still, you think, then sigh when you put your arm over your eyes as the clock clicks to 04:07AM beside you, this fucking sucks.

You know Hajime will text you an apology when it’s seven am for you and late at night for him, but you put your phone’s ringer on silent to convince yourself that you’re fine and you’re not dependent on his presence at all. That you’re handling yourself just fine and that the anxiety you have every time your mother comes back home from a checkup is something you can deal with by yourself.  

You shut your eyes when the dull ache in your chest begins to grow sharper as your thoughts shift from school, to your mom’s illness, to Hajime, and to the fact that you want to cry at the heaviness of everything.

And the frustration is eating you alive because you hate feeling this helpless. Not when your mother taught you nothing but how to be strong your whole life. Not when all you should know is how to stand on your own two feet despite whatever the situation life throws at you.

So when the morning comes and you wake up to a plethora of Hajime’s missed calls and frantic texts asking if you’re okay—you text him an assurance that you’re fine and that he shouldn’t worry about it.

You face the day with everything you feel pushed to the back of your mind. You face the mirror and tell yourself that you’re fine.

-

Hanamaki’s a good friend, and a lot smarter than you give him credit for.

It didn’t fly past him when you left for phone on silent or chose to spend your break with him or Mattsun when you usually would utilize that time for Hajime. But at the same time, he noticed you spacing out in conversations a little more than usual, reject any plans they invited you in, and his least favorite—see you break down in the practice room when you thought no one was around.

Neither he nor Issei chose to tell Hajime or you about it; he could never understand what you were going through—but he understood that the way someone heals differs from person to person.

It took about a few more months of Hajime’s schedule piling up and your silent breakdowns for the both of you to finally snap and confront one another.

It started with Hajime telling you a round of an apology, “I’m sorry, I promise I’ll call you on time—I just,”

“—shit everything’s just crazy. I’m sorry, babe.”

Then you nod and absent mindedly twirl one strand of your hand as you force his apology in one ear and out the other. You were fine. You’re handling things well. You didn’t need Hajime as a support system, so you reply, “It’s fine. I got this.”

And you like to think it was going well, but he asks, “How’s your mom doing?” and your hands are suddenly gripping the edge of the table (where you know he can’t see) tight. You didn’t tell him that she cried from the results when she came home earlier and waved you off when you stood up to help her balance herself. That thirty minutes ago you could hear her yell at your father over the phone about something she didn’t tell you about and that at the moment, you’re thankful for the way your fingers were digging into your skin because it’s helping you re shift your focus into anything but what was going on.

Hajime’s not looking at you because he’s looking at the report he was typing on his laptop instead. So first, you hype yourself up by thinking about how you don’t need anyone to push you through things and that how you’re handling yourself and the situation was more than fine, then, you answer,

“She’s okay, too.”

You try to ignore how gritty it sounded; Hajime doesn’t seem to notice either.

You’re quiet after that and Hajime must have thought it was odd because he pauses his work to look at you and ask, “Are you okay?”

And he says it with such a gentle tone that you suddenly want to crumble and tell him about the heaviness that hasn’t left you since the day your mom began slipping. But a knock from Hajime’s door and a distant call of his name snaps you out of those thoughts. Hajime, on the other hand, ignores them and asks you the question again, which you wave off this time with a quick, “It’s okay you can call me when you’re done.”

He’s hesitant when he leaves and he shoots you a text seconds after his face leaves the screen but you don’t reply; you spend the rest of the night with your face pressed against the pillow while you will yourself to believe that you, alone, have everything under control.

And, really, you should have left it to end like that.

But you don’t; because when morning comes and you wake up feeling heavy, you’re left in a haze where everything feels muddled. And the feeling of screaming hits you so fast and so hard that the dam just breaks.

It’s seven am and you’re crying for reasons you can’t find a starting point to. The kind of cry where every heave hurts and makes you ball your fists because of an unsourced anger. It’s disorienting and frustrating because you’re not mad at specifically anything—but at the same time, everything feels like its swallowing you whole again. You wish you could blank out like the time she told you she was sick—even if it meant moving through your day hyper aware of your movements. But you can’t, because it’s one of those days where the heaviness just sits on your chest and forces you to face the fact that it hurts.

And you always say “it” because you don’t know where to begin. Because you never began; never sat down and looked at your reflection in the eye and asked yourself, “what was wrong?”

Because you’re fine.

Everything’s fine.

It’s still fine because when your phone is ringing, you answer with a fresh face and a smooth, hello.

Hajime greets you like usual, but then settles into a background that isn’t.

You don’t really care.

He asks you how you’ve slept, and you nod once as a reply. He’s chuckling and says something about you looking cute cuddled up in bed, still half asleep so you nod again to go along with his story. Underneath the sheets, you’re fisting the blankets as you count each breath you’ve inhaled and exhaled as Hajime begins to talk about his day.

Then someone, who you can’t recall you know, sits next to him with an arm casually draped over his shoulder and pushes her face near his as she waves a hello. Usually, you’re not much of the jealous type so something like that shouldn’t even be a red flag for you. Hajime was a friendly person all around, and time and time again he’s explained how different the American culture was from home.

Given that fact, on a normal situation it would have been fine. Understandable, even.

But before you could even begin smooth your thoughts back to rationality, you explode. Hajime’s facing away from you in a conversation where he can’t see, so you suppose that could have been a good thing.

Then, your anger comes out.

First, it trickles; you stay silent and opt to stare at him, seething when he finally begins a conversation. Hajime’s eyebrows shoot up just like that and he bids his friend a quick goodbye before rushing into an empty room.

Second, it pools. You tell him a series of things you don’t even think makes sense, but from the way his face morphs into a grimace—it wouldn’t take much to conclude that what you said was something ugly.

Third, you’re wading in waist deep. You’re sitting up and pointing at him, bringing up a photo you saw of him with his arms hung over someone’s shoulder. A classmate, you concluded last week; a lover, you accuse him of having in the moment.

Fourth, Hajime rushes to keep you from going in further. He doesn’t feed into your anger and instead tells you to take a deep breath before talking to him. And for a second, you relent and listen. He explains that she’s a classmate from his biology class and that you’re just overreacting over something that shouldn’t even be an issue.

Fifth, comes the struggle. Your anger flares at his words and everything you’ve felt and pushed underwater suddenly bobs to the surface. Hajime wasn’t at fault, and you know that, but he’s huffing in a way that tells you he’s inches past exhausted and it does nothing to quell your outburst.

“Maybe what you should do is listen to yourself and calm the fuck down,” is what he tells you as you flinch at his tone.

“Well, I’m sorry, for just wanting to talk to you Hajime,” is what you say as retaliation. Hajime’s hand that instantly flies up to soothe his temple doesn’t fly past you.

“We are talking, (y/n). Why are you trying to make me apologize for something I didn’t even do?”

“Why can’t you understand my point? This is exhausting, Hajime.”

“I told you from the beginning. If you didn’t want to keep doing this then we stop,” he retorts, anger steadily rising.

“You’re making it sound like you’re the one wanting to stop this,” you bite back.

“I don’t. But it’s like every time we talk nowadays it’s like you’re being too much, this doesn’t seem like you anymore,” Hajime finishes.

And as the silence settles, everything clicks. You’ve been too dependent, and he feels the same way. He’s right, this isn’t you at all. You shouldn’t need to cling to him to for crumbs of healing; because you’re more than fine.

Have been more than fine, really; so you blank and reply, “You’re right, sorry about that.”

He looks at you, confused, before the silence envelops the two of you again. You allow it to stay this time.

“Maybe we should take a break, (y/n). Just some time to cool off; I feel like we’re just too overloaded right now.”

“We should,” you reply, expression unfazed as you cut the call.

The sixth, is where you allow the anger to stay instead of recede. Your mother asks you how you’re feeling and you’re quick to answer that you’re okay.

Hajime doesn’t text you until an hour later, wanting to talk. You set your phone to silent.

“What made you decide to not get back together with dad?” you ask her when she’s quiet in front of you. Your mother looks at you for a while before she pieces the red eyes and silent phone together, then tells you, “I loved myself more.”

You nod, conflicted. Her eyes were as red as yours and you heard her weeping his name just the night before and she knows you’re aware. Your phone vibrates on the table again and you miss the way her eyes flicker to the device momentarily before focusing them back at you.

Both of you know, but neither of you ask.

“Never lose yourself, right?” you say quietly and she gives you a solid nod as she pours you a cup of coffee.

You never really liked coffee; then again, you never really liked the reality either.

But you take the mug and gulp in the bitterness anyway.

Then finally, the seventh is where you succumb under its waves. Hajime calls you later that night and you answer, expression honed into an almost natural state of indifference. He looks a little worse than you, but you ignore that.

“Is this it?” he asks and you nod curtly once, your fingernails already digging into your palms under the table.

“Are we going to hate each other?” Hajime asks you again and you sigh.

“I don’t have it in me to ever hate you, Haji,” you answer, truthfully and he gives you a halfhearted smile.

“I love you,” he says like he’s just talking about the weather, and stays on the line for a few seconds more before he eventually takes your silence as a response.

“I love you, too,” is what almost comes out of your mouth like second nature, but you bite your tongue anyway.  

He can’t hurt you first this way.

-

Sakusa Kiyoomi didn’t really root himself in your life until nine months after your break up with Hajime. Graduation came and went like the unfurling of a leaf, and before you knew it, you’re suddenly in the real world.

Before that, you only knew him as the first chair cellist who you always accidentally locked eyes with in every concert you managed to snag the first chair spot in the first violin’s section.

Bumping into him during morning practice first led to string quartets, then duets during concerts, shared practice rooms—until eventually, he asked you out on a date.

He inserted the question in the conversation so naturally, too. After putting away the music stands, then shoving (in contrast to him neatly arranging) the sheet music into your folder—you were halfway done with loosening your bow when he asked, “Do you wanna get dinner later?” out of the blue.

To others who may have listened in to the conversation, it sounded like a natural invitation between friends, and Kiyoomi must have realized that because he was quick to face you after zipping up the case of his cello, and add, “—I meant dinner with me.”

You were still holding your bow and staring at him stare at you, so he filled the silence with, “Like a date. I’m asking you out on a date, (y/n).”

The two of you never really initiated anything outside the relationship between music partners, and the occasional friendly outing—but it had always been with others. Looking at him, you admit Sakusa Kiyoomi was a man who mastered hygiene. Which was always a bonus in your book. But you think back to Hajime for a second, then click your tongue quietly because you realize you shouldn’t be thinking about him when someone else was asking you out.

But you sigh and still offer him a smile when you reply, “Sorry I gotta watch my mom tonight. She’s not feeling well.”

Kiyoomi nods, and his eyebrows shoot up like he remembered something. “I heard your mom was sick? I’m sorry if I’m prying.”

You nod sharply once before internally groaning then thinking about how to steer the conversation away from the oncoming “I’m sorrys”, “It must be so tough,” or any sympathetic comments of the like.

But Kiyoomi only nods in understanding, briefly turning back to loop his arms through the case, then looking back at you again saying, “Ah. Understandable. My grandmother had cancer and my mom made her this soup that helped with the aching; I can give you the recipe for it.”

Your eyes shoot up at his response and the rehearsed response of, “I have no choice but to be tough for her. It’s okay, though,” dies in your mouth so you close it again and only nod a yes.

Kiyoomi turns to open the door once you had your own violin set inside and stands by the opening of the door to let you out first. You smile; he was mostly reserved, but still a gentleman.

“(Y/n),” he begins when the two of you walk side by side in the quiet morning hallway. “I know you don’t want to hear the pity comments, but I just wanna put it out there that you’re doing well.”

Your steps halt with his when you reach the end of the hallway where the flooring splits into two different directions but you face him, the thrumming of your heart feeling making you a little more choked up than you expected and tell him an honest thank you.

He lifts his right hand as a goodbye while he shoves the other in his pocket after he settles his mask in place, then turns to walk on the opposite direction.

“Sakusa-san!” you call out and he stops a few meters in front of you to turn back in your direction again.

“Dinner!” you call out again, “this weekend!”

You know your cheeks are a little more red than you would have liked and you’re more than aware of how white your knuckles must be from grasping the straps of your case, but you ignore that and add anyway, “As a date.”

The mask covering the lower half of his face obscures the expression he has but you notice the miniscule crinkle on the corner of his eyes when he laughs and replies, “Can you say that a little louder? I can’t hear.”

You huff and action to turn around because the heat on your face was getting a little too uncomfortable, but you hear him say, “It’s a date!” so you nod awkwardly in confirmation before turning your back and walking the opposite way.

You can imagine the look he has on his face and just how much amusement he’s gotten from the interaction but before you walk too far you hear, “Just call me Kiyoomi,” from him behind you.

You smile and feel as if you’re flipping into the first page of a new chapter.

-

In contrast to the push and pull energy you felt with Hajime, after almost being in a relationship with Kiyoomi for a year, things felt easy.

Communication between the two of you didn’t feel like unraveling codes; plus, being in the same department also meant your schedules mostly linked up. Though, personally, your favorite part was that he was never too pushy with the things you wanted to deal with alone.

He knew not to pry when you walked in the practice hall with bags under your eyes holding a cup of coffee you swore to heaven and back you detested drinking; you always saw a parcel of your comfort snack with a note laid beside your violin case in the locker room, though.

And when he ate dinner at your house, he also kept his comments to himself and never let his eyes wander to the amount of pills you had to help your mother count out when the little alarm in your phone rang. Then again, you never needed to question his intentions when he showed up the next day with a thermos filled with the soup your mom said she enjoyed once as a passing comment.

He’s always been one to remember the smaller details.

Along with preferring to stay in his personal space, Kiyoomi wasn’t one to smile too bashfully, but you can’t help but notice that when she laid her hands on his as a thank you and asked him to take care of you—the smile that graced his face looked warm.

She said that Kiyoomi seemed like a nice boy, and you agreed instantly—because he is.

He never pushed past the boundary you kept around yourself despite entering into a new relationship. There was a mutual air of respect—and neither of you expressed the desire to breech it.

Being with Kiyoomi felt as natural and in order to the flow as it does when your hands move to automatically loosen your bow when it came to packing up, or beginning with the A string when the conductor motioned for you to begin tuning.

You liked to think you fit quite well together. Like the duet that an audience listens to and clap at as if they were the whole orchestra. Like the blend of the high and low notes written on a score that collides in perfect harmony.

And it feels like it too.

Every time you’re seated across each other on the stage and you’re staring straight at one another to climb with the crescendo then descend into silence—you know that your heart, along with his, are beating in the same rhythm, with the same frequency. You’ve always found that break from the real world when you picked up an instrument and you’re glad that Kiyoomi’s the one you’re entering into that dimension with.

The ten minutes on stage feels timeless. The rush from the music still resonates in an infinite echo—your fingers twitching, craving, to fly across the notes in an encore. You’re smiling because when you stare at him—he’s smiling too. Unabashed and sparkling where you have no doubt in your mind that even without the stage lights he’d gleam the same.

And even as the crowd’s still cheering as you stand hand in hand and bow next to each other, you don’t hear anything. When reality begins to trickle into your senses and the rush of intoxication wears off, you let your smile mellow into a soft curve. You face the front row and look at the seat that’s a little towards the left and try not to notice your mother’s absence. You know she was admitted to the hospital three weeks ago and she hasn’t been doing too well. Kiyoomi squeezes your hand and whispers a, “you did well,” which you nod at.

He’s still smiling even as you exit the stage and pack up your instruments so you decide not to tell him that the boy sitting in that specific seat reminded you of Hajime.

-

Hajime, on the other hand became the contact on your inbox that got pushed down further and further when the holidays passed. You meant it when you said that you could never hate him—because you know you never really could.

He still showed up on your Instagram feed posting photos about his weekend road trips to Malibu or the spontaneous trips to Vegas his new friends looped him into—and you were happy to see him glowing. More times than not, your finger would hover over the like or send button to the comment you always end up deleting and you know it shouldn’t be that way. But reality reminds you that it is.

Your reality reminds you that Iwaizumi Hajime is someone who was witness to your growth and decline and that he was someone you chose to leave in the past.

But at the same time, his passing hellos were never left unheard. Kiyoomi knew, and like always, respected that. You would think this is the part where he should be reacting a little more aggressively, but you knew him to be above petty actions. He was secure, and he let that security be known in the grip of his hand that remained steady against yours when either Hanamaki’s or Issei’s eyes would stare a bit too long. They too, let their hesitations be known when you first introduced Kiyoomi to the both of them.

Issei opened his mouth with what looked to be the beginnings of a retaliation, but Hanamaki cut him off swiftly with a resounding, “We’re happy for you,” that promptly ended the conversation at that.

Then again, it didn’t change the fact that it was after that night where Hajime’s texts to you eventually dwindled to the seasonal greetings.

You tell yourself you don’t mind.

Because you don’t.

Because you’re fine.

-

Your mother isn’t fine.

Even though she’s been hospitalized for the past four weeks now, the past week has been specifically the most difficult. In and out of consciousness where different tubes were stuck and different needles prodded at her skin every day. It killed you because the second you heard her cry from when she thought you were still asleep rang in your ears over and over again throughout the day that resulted in you missing rehearsals for that entire week.

Kiyoomi drops by after school along with Hanamaki and Issei to check up on the both of you, but eventually leave when visiting hours end.

Kiyoomi usually stays a while longer, though; sitting outside the hospital parking lot and talking over a cup of coffee became a temporary permanent for the both of you during those weeks.

“How are you feeling?” he asks, then scoots closer to you on the bench when you exhale a sigh and lean forward. When your elbows settle into a rest on your thighs, you turn to him, offering a smile. It looked more like a sad quirk of the lip but Kiyoomi must have appreciated it more than he let on because his posture relaxes with you as he exhales.

“It’s weird, Omi,” you begin. “I mean she’s been at the hospital for treatments and checkups before but this is weird.”

Beside you, he stays quiet, and despite the distant noise of traffic in the background your voice sounds a little more amplified than you would have liked. None the less, you continued, “I’ve always known she hasn’t been fine but the past week just happened so fast.”

Puffing out another breath, you watch as it leaves you in a cloud before bringing the rim of the coffee cup to your lips. You don’t take a sip. Coffee was never your favorite anyway.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he asks you and turns his body completely to face you.

You think about it, then sigh. You don’t; at least, not yet.

“It’s okay, she’s strong,” you tell him and raise your cup as you shoot him another smile.

“So are you,” he offers as a reply, then knocks his cup against yours softly, chuckling when your face grimaces at the taste.

“Why do you always order coffee when you hate it?” he asks as he watches you take another sip.

You laugh, then scoot closer to lean your head on his shoulder. “It’s just practical,” you answer. “It helps me stay up so even if I’d rather get the peach tea, I know that one will knock me out within an hour from all the sugar.”

Kiyoomi laughs at your reply before looping his arm through yours and threading your fingers together.

“You can loosen up time to time, you know,” he tells you and you smile a smile that strains both the muscles on your face and feeling in your chest.

“I wish I could,” you answer.

-

“Are you happy?” your mother asks you later that night.

The question catches you off guard and you take a seat on her bed next to her. You don’t look at each other and instead look at the wall that’s in front of you, so, tentatively, you reply, “Of course I am.”

And she’s quiet after that so you return her silence and continue to sit next to her.

The clock hanging above the door of her hospital room ticks slowly and for a while you’re comfortable. At this point you aren’t sure whether you wanted time to move faster or slower—because you knew the moments you spend with her are granted through borrowed time.

Time that’s borrowed from the prayers you kneel and voice out every night, the needles and tubes that poke and prod at her skin every day, and from the pills you help count out every time your alarm rings.

She began slipping the minute she told you she was sick—and along the years you knew she let herself slide along the current more carelessly every time she told you she was tired.

You’re looking at her when she touches your hand and you try not to flinch at how cold her skin’s gotten. She’s smiling when you face her and it makes you inhale in a way that hurts because the look on her face practically just tells you she’s tired.

But like the two of you had always done: you stay silent and mirror your smiles instead.

“I’m proud of you,” she says and your heart breaks as you will yourself to not cry. It occurs to you that she isn’t crying when she says it because her voice is resolute as it is soft. You want to ask her why she’s proud of you but you don’t because you realize when this becomes a memory you just want to leave it at that.

You want to leave it as a moment where a mother is telling a child that she’s proud of her.

So instead, you ask her, “Are you coming to see the concert with me and Kiyoomi in a few weeks?” just to make sure. That she’s still there; that she will still be there.

Her silence is your answer before she’s reaching out between the two of you and squeezing your hands instead.

-

On a Tuesday morning the next week she passes away at 3:08 PM with her eyes closed and face serene. The nurses tell you she opened her eyes to look at the world once more before she closed them and exhaled her last breath.

She was probably looking for you, they mean to say, but you bow your head in thanks when the medical staff offer their heartfelt condolence. You aren’t sure if you wanted to see her close her eyes for her last breath, but at the same time—you wonder if that thought was too selfish on your part.

When you’re in the car in the parking lot of the hospital grounds, you smell her perfume—lilac, so you close your eyes and tell her soul rest easy and I love you.

You text Kiyoomi to meet you in the practice room to go over the score once more after you gave yourself a few more moments to pull yourself together.

He texts you back with an, “are you sure?” so you sigh because he must have already realized what happened. Your fingers hover over the keypad of your phone as you think of an excuse to cancel plans last minute but Kiyoomi’s contact photo on your phone interrupts your thoughts in a call.

Despite your hesitation, your finger press the green to answer the call almost immediately.

“(Y/n?)”

“Hey,” you respond.

“Want me to come get you?” Kiyoomi asks and you notice how much softer his tone is.

“I can still drive, it’s okay—“

“—Are you okay?” he cuts you off and you nod your head frantically. It felt too automatic, and that thought didn’t fly by you, so you sigh.

Kiyoomi notices your silence over the line but he stays and for that you’re grateful. He isn’t really pushing you and you feel a sense of gratitude again because you don’t exactly know what to say either.

Before you could reassure him that you’re in a sense, “okay,” his voice breaks the silence over the line again.

“No one else is here, so I’ll wait for you if you’re coming.”

The smile that breaks on your face is one of relief, or at least you think it is, because your eyes are stinging and you hear yourself sniffle when you tell him a quiet okay, and thank you.

“I love you,” is what you think you hear Kiyoomi say as you cut the call and put the car in reverse.

-

“Sakusa Kiyoomi present here?” you call out with a slight chuckle as you push open the door and peek in the room.

His head snaps towards you immediately so you offer him a sheepish smile at best when you finally arrive in front of him. Kiyoomi’s eyes are softening in the way that has your heart constricting automatically so you cast your gaze down and immediately fidget with the zipper on your violin case. The steps he takes are heavy and audible in the wooden flooring so your heart hammers even more when you hear him cross the distance between the two of you.

“(Y/n),” he starts and you look up when his hands are on your shoulder. They feel warm, you think, much like the look you see in his eyes when he steadies his gaze towards you.

Kiyoomi joins you in your silence when you choose to remain in it and respond to him by only stitching on another smile. The palm of his hand is still warm on your shoulder but you try to focus on anything but the waves of his sympathy and presence because you know the second you step back in reality, you’ll break—again.

So when his hand squeezes your shoulder and he parts his lips to say the condolence you don’t know when you’re ever going to be ready for, you cut him off.

“Please don’t,” you tell him, and it’s said with a tone that’s clipped tight and with lips pulled into a straight smile—the kind where you can already feel the edges crack with every second that passes.

Kiyoomi sighs and stares at you, but backs down when he feels your body tense.

“I’m right here,” he reassures, as you cast your gaze to the side when you feel the sting in your eyes threaten to overpower you.  

“I know,” you reply and with that he turns and takes his seat again.

The two of you are facing each other when you have your fingers on your respective positions and bow hovered over the string. The metronome in the background ticks and you close your eyes desperate to slip out and slip in to focus. The disconnection almost happens automatically because as soon as you hear yourself verbally count to start, your hand with the bow twitches and—

“(Y/n),” Kiyoomi cuts off and your movements automatically halt. The tone of his voice is solid and just like that you feel yourself begin to crumble; still, you try to harden, anyway.

“What’s up?” you say and open your eyes to look at him. The cello you thought was resting between his legs is set down next to his chair and his bow is on the music stand; he looks at you—intention transparent at this point.

“I love you,” he says. “Please talk to me—“he pleads, but you cut him off.

“Omi,” you begin. “I know what you want to tell me and I know you mean well, because you always do. But please—“you pause and look at him with as much intensity as you could muster before continuing, “—let me pretend like today is just a day where we’re practicing for the concert she could have finally gone to.”

Across you, his body leans forward before eventually halting at the sight of you tightening your grip on your bow.

“Just let me pretend this is a normal practice and I’ll be home later with someone still waiting inside the house,” you continue, volume rising but resolve shaking.

“Please,” you finish before tucking the violin back between your chin and shoulder and raising your bow to signal the start. Kiyoomi relents with a sigh and picks up his cello and bow before looking at you.

“Ready?” he asks when his bow is positioned above the string.

“Always am,” you reply and close your eyes as you slip back in focus and feel the bow glide into the first note.

The first note is an A, so you place your fourth finger on the D string and slip into your empty realm with a vibrato.

A memory flashes; you’re in the sixth grade again. It’s September, and you finally make it home with your new violin case in hand. Your mom comes home from work and smiles at you as you point at the strings and name them in the order your orchestra teacher had you memorize earlier.

“This one’s the A string,” you say and you see her smile like she’s proud of you.

The next note makes you climb to the third position, and you could recall that the dynamic changes around this measure, so along with Kiyoomi you’re pressing a little harder.

“We learned the third position today!” you hear your own voice say. It’s your second year playing and you’ve made it to the honors orchestra. Your mom sits in the living room, watching you with a twinkle in her eye that tells you she’s more than proud as you show her the arpeggio practice you learned earlier that day.

The next few notes fly across the fingerboard as the familiar crescendo builds. The depth of Kiyoomi’s strings blends with the octave you’re playing at as you feel yourself being swallowed and wading in your thoughts deeper and deeper until—

You stop.

Because with your eyes still closed, you suddenly see her from the night before. Your mother with the glimmering eyes and fragile hands, wearing the red beanie she said was her favorite ever since her hair fell out. And your eyes are still closed when you hear her tell you that she’s proud of you, her voice bringing you back to that night where you wanted to do nothing more but let your defenses down.

So involuntarily you do; your eyes are still closed when you begin to weep, but you can hear movement from the background before you eventually hear Kiyoomi call, “(Y/n),”

“I’m sorry,” you say and frantically wipe away at the tears and cough out the cries threatening to overflow and spill.

“(Y/n),” Kiyoomi says again and you look up.

His chair is turned so that he sits facing away from you. Your forehead scrunches with the peculiarity.

“Kiyo-“

“Just let it out,” he says then picks up his cello and continues playing from the measure you stopped at.

Then you do.

Like a thread snapping, a cry rips its way out of your throat as you finally, finally allow yourself to feel the heaviness that’s long settled in your chest. Your violin along with your bow set on the floor as you crouch down and press the heels of your palms against your eyes.

It hurts, you realize, when every time you close your eyes you still see her. You still hear her tell you her goodnight stories, affirmations, and reassurances.

It hurts, because you’re tired. Tired of living in the world trying to be the adult you know you aren’t just yet. You’re tired of going home and smiling with her when you could tell the reason why she has tear tracks on her cheeks was because of the call with your father you overheard from the night before.

Because you’re angry, you think. You’re angry at her illness. At your father for leaving and giving the weight of being a parent and provider at the same time. At the fact that neither of you were ever vulnerable enough to even cry in front of each other, and angry at yourself for never having the courage to tell her that it’s okay.

Because all this time you’re been struggling. Struggling to try to always be an adult when you never closed the chapter of your childhood. That you’ve always struggled to push past every affirmation that you’re okay and every single one of those moments were just bouts of false confidence. And it’s exhausting to put up a front to your own reflection.

Even when nothing has really been okay. You’re hurting even more when you realize that so you clutch your chest and cry harder.

This must be the consequence of pride, is the thought that comes to your head. You could build the strongest walls and wrap yourself in the most intricate barriers just to act tough but in time, you will break.

Like now; you’re sobbing into your palms for the years’ worth of pain you let pride push away while Kiyoomi is climbing even higher than the strongest dynamic you know the piece calls for.

You know he wants to let you know that it’s okay, and that you’re safe. His message resonates in pure clarity as he pushes on the strings harder and harder to swallow the sounds of your cries.

His back remains turned as you look at him, still crying, while your thanks bubbles out as incoherent as your cries.

It hurts, because you the only person you’ve cradled in your hands to heavens far higher than the ones you’ve known is gone.  

You’re still crying and the pain in your chest is still stinging much like the pain from a reopened wound does, but you let him come to you as he lets you come to him in an embrace.

“Let it out,” he murmurs in your hair as you wrap your hands around his middle and cry into the fabric of his shirt. He’s probably a little uncomfortable at you sniffling right into his shirt, but the way his hands are rubbing circles on your back reassures you otherwise.

“You’re okay,” Kiyoomi says again and you cry harder because you want to believe him.

Five missed calls and seven texts messages all coming from Hajime lays unopened on your phone at 6:17PM.

-

“She asked me if I was happy,” is what you tell Kiyoomi as the two of you stand side by side peering over her casket some days later.

“Are you?” he asks and you smile at him in a way that tells him that at the moment you’re not.

“Will you be happy?” comes the question after that and you shrug.

The lines on her face are like always, and the mole between her brows look the same. Your mother lays still in the casket, cheeks pink from the blush they put on her and lips red. You think your mother’s friends told the funeral workers to paint them her usual color, so you’re thankful for that. She looks like she’s just asleep—and you don’t know how to feel.

You want to reach out and hold her hand but you know the skin will be stiff and cold; you don’t want to remember her touch like that.

To you, she’s still alive.

She always will be alive.

Kiyoomi’s hand grasps yours in a way that’s as gentle as his presence has always been. When you look up then right to meet his eyes: looking like warmth despite the depth that it has words rolling out of your lips before you could comprehend the situation.

“I will be.”

Kiyoomi smiles and you look back down without bothering to further explain your answer.

You know he always believes you. The sentiment is one you appreciate, but at the same time, you’re not sure if you even believe yourself at the moment. You have to be strong, you think.

And just like that your defenses climb back up.

-

Takahiro along with Issei make it to the funeral along with Tooru and Hajime skyping in from overseas. It wasn’t as awkward like you expected it to be, and you’re glad.

Tooru’s crying along with Hajime and the rest of you as you watch her return to the opened earth.

You’ve dried your tears by the time you face Tooru and Hajime on the laptop screen, the grief on their faces similar to the one on yours.

“(Y/n),” Hajime starts, and you nod, waiting for him to continue. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m okay,” you respond, gaze focused to the left side of the screen—Tooru’s side.

Even though all you could see was Tooru’s expression on the screen tearing up with yours, you ignore the telltale scrunch of Hajime’s forehead where you know confirms his disbelief over your words.

“I’m coming home next week. Got a job offer there,” Hajime’s voice cuts again and before you could respond Tooru’s voice thrums over the speaker as you feel Kiyoomi’s hand settle on your shoulder.

“You okay?” he asks you when you look up at him. Nodding your head, you shoot him a smile before turning back to the screen, one hand resting on top of Kiyoomi’s.

“This is Kiyoomi,” you introduce and feel yourself unintentionally holding in a breath as you sit and watch for Hajime’s reaction. He’s quiet; eyes steeled over and form rigid. Probably just a trick of the camera, you tell yourself, so you open your mouth hoping to find an excuse and end the call early but Tooru’s voice overlaps yours for the second time that day.

“Ahh! The boyfriend?” He asks and you smile as you see him leaning closer to his laptop’s camera. You had to hand it to him; you know that look. Tooru was someone who could craft a mask and uphold it for as long as he needs and every time it was flawless.

Which was why when Kiyoomi bows his head in a greeting and greets, “It’s nice to meet you,” in the tone he used with your mother, you know he hadn’t caught on to the fact that he was facing a façade.

“Likewise,” Hajime’s voice cuts through and you try to not shiver at the intensity of it.

“Let’s catch up when I get home?” he says again; this time, softer and you nod before you could think of a response.

“Take care,” is the last thing you hear from him before the camera on his side of the screen blinks back to black and Tooru’s face magnified and centered.

“He’s finally coming home, (y/n)-chan,” Tooru smiles and at the sincerity of his voice you smile along with him.

“He finally is.”

-

Hajime had always been, and always will be your first love. You found yourself choked up the second you see him wave at you from the arrival’s gate and you swore in that moment hugging him felt like coming home.

Which was because of nostalgia, you told yourself. There had been so many firsts and memories shared with him that you know just because you moved forward with your life—that didn’t mean you’d buried what you had with him in the past.

“Sakusa Kiyoomi?” he asks when you’ve settled in the grass next to your mother’s tombstone with him across you.

“Yeah, he actually played for Itachiyama back in high school,” you say.

“Volleyball player turned classical musician?” he asks and you nod with a resonating yup, your hand trailing down to the grass to pick on the blades aimlessly.

“He made it to nationals too,” you comment.

“Are you trying to just rub it in?” he asks and tosses some ripped grass your way. You move to the side and stick your tongue out at him which he laughs at. Hajime’s laugh reminds you of the summer afternoons in your childhood home where you’d chase cicadas and write memories in polaroids and you’re suddenly feeling nostalgic.

“Nah,” you say and smile as you look up at him. He’s facing his right and letting his eyes glaze over the gold paint of your mother’s name on the cement.

“I miss her,” Hajime whispers and you nod, your heart squeezing.

“I do too,” you reply and when he looks at you and meets your eyes, you catch yourself smiling because he has tears threatening to spill over the waterline too. “Every day,” you continue.

“You’re making me cry,” Hajime huffs and leans back facing the front after he wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Your fault for still being soft,” you laugh. Unlike you, he’s always been the type to wear his heart on his sleeve.

“I’m sorry,” Hajime begins after the moments of recollection passes. You look at him and smile, not really sure whether you even have the desire to push through with the conversation or not. “Why are you even sorry?” is what you want to ask him, but you hear yourself say, “it’s okay, Haji,” instead.

“We could have made it,” he says again, his voice cracking as he looks at you.

“Could have,” you repeat and offer him a halfhearted smile at best.

“Do you regret us?” Hajime asks and he seems hesitant with his answer; like he doesn’t want to know your answer. You shake your head no as soon as you meet his eyes and reach your hands out in the space between you.

“Never,” you say and squeeze his hands when he takes yours into his own.

“You’re going to make me cry, again. Shit,” he laughs and this time, you laugh along with him.

The afternoon, despite the September air feels warm. Almost like the summer afternoons back home. So when you close your eyes, you let your defenses down as you imagine sitting in the garden: the one with the yellow and pink flowers, shouting promises in the air with Hajime and Tooru as the three of you let the wonder of childhood guide your idea of reality.

You decide that for just a while longer, you’ll keep those same defenses down as you feel Hajime pull you to stand up with him and face the open field behind the cross of her name.

“Wanna see if we can find cicadas?” he grins and you laugh, replying, “What are we, twelve?” as you follow him and break out into a run anyway.

It was in that afternoon that you realize, Hajime’s always felt like home. His presence always meant that your thoughts jumped back to the days where you watched his hair spike and grow like flowers from a garden blooming and wilting. To the days where talks of the future were shared over a dinner rolls and laughter. To the days where telling someone “I love you,” felt as natural as if you were just talking about the weather.

Hajime reminded you of losing yourself in the kind of love that felt unabashed and boundless. Like running on fields where the sun remained in the golden hour indefinitely. He was the first love you’ve cradled with a heart that was still a stranger to the ways of the reality.

“Are you happy?” he asks you when the sun above breathes the beginnings of a goodbye. You recognize the question your mother asked you before she passed and in that moment you close your eyes and envision yourself in a different year.  

“I am,” you whisper back earnestly and your heart flutters with every corner of the wall that crumbles down as you stare back at him.

He looks at you like he wants to ask a question but the thought of Kiyoomi flashes in your mind. Your eyes scan the flecks of emerald in Hajime’s as you close your eyes and feel yourself retreat along with the setting sun. The warmth in your chest remains as you think of Kiyoomi.

Kiyoomi who told you to let it out and let it go. Kiyoomi with the midnight eyes who spoke of the answers to the questions you have yet to discover.

“I have to be happy,” is what you tell Hajime again and the smile he gives you is soft. Like he wants to dive down your thoughts more but instead chooses to remain anchored outside your walls.

But you still lean into his embrace as he pats your shoulder when you tell your mother goodbye.

She must be happy, you think to yourself. Because today was an afternoon spent in the sun like she was alive again.

A text from Kiyoomi to you and one from Issei to his brings you back to the present. You wave goodbye to the photograph of her on the tombstone while Hajime leaves a yellow flower he picked under the sun by her name.

He smiles and you hear him say he’ll walk you home.

Your heart thrums; it’s almost like he never left.

-

Hajime won’t leave.

Despite your intention for him to not show up to your house being extremely blunt in your text message, he shows up thirty minutes after Kiyoomi’s parked into your driveway.

“Hajime,” he grins, introducing himself with a hand stretched out in greeting as Kiyoomi looks at it in contemplation. You watch the two of them, three feet away and anxious at their first time face to face interaction.

“Sakusa Kiyoomi,” your boyfriend says and reaches out to shake his hand. You could practically feel yourself sigh in relief.

“Haji, you didn’t have to come,” you say and shoot him a tight lipped smile. “Omi and I can handle the boxes, plus there’s not much left to pack up anyway.”

“So,” Hajime begins, turning around and blatantly ignoring what you just said. “Makki says there’s some heavier stuff in the attic? I can help you with that.”

Kiyoomi looks at you as you eventually sigh and nod at him to follow Hajime up into the attic.

-

For the rest of the day it went on like that. At every hint you dropped in regards to the lack of necessity for Hajime’s presence—he’s suddenly tuning out and changing the topic. It was like he couldn’t hear. You huff when Kiyoomi shoots you a look that hints his amusement towards your predicament.

Hajime’s time in California surely must have rubbed off on him.

“You two shared a lot of memories,” Kiyoomi comments after he sees Hajime point at a trinket and recall a story.

“We grew up together,” you reply and Hajime nods along with you, smiling.

“I knew she was gonna be a real one when she didn’t chicken out from catching cicadas with me,” Hajime laughs across you.

“You used to catch cicadas?” Kiyoomi questions, eyebrow quirking up. You had to fight the urge to smile at the way his two moles scrunched together.

“Used to,” you answer and grip the photo album in your hand before placing it into the box. It was one of your favorites, you remember. You spent your summer nights pasting stickers and writing captions into the photos your mom took of you, Hajime, Tooru and your dog. There were probably a few in there that were with her, but you decide you can put off the nostalgic trip for later as you shut the book and tuck it into a corner of the box.

“Sakusa,” Hajime initiates when the three of you stand back up, stretching then facing each other: Kiyoomi to your left and Hajime across the two of you. “Take care of her will you?”

“I plan to,” Kiyoomi replies beside you and you reach to squeeze his hand as you watch him offer Hajime a sincere smile.

“Can you give us a moment?” you ask Kiyoomi and he’s quick to nod.

“Thanks,” you say and lean into his kiss on your forehead before watching him grab the remaining box and make his way out the door.

Hajime stands in front of you with his hands shoved in his pockets.

“He’s a good guy,” he tells you and you smile gently, head nodding in agreement to his words.

“One of the best,” you reply, smiling.

“You’re happy right?” Hajime says more than asks, but before you could answer, he speaks again.

“I’m here for you, always,” he confesses quietly and you swallow thickly because you could already decipher the meaning behind his words.

“Who’s going to pull your scarf to remind you that it’s cold?” Hajime declares softly and you knit your eyebrows together as you tell him that you can do it yourself.

“I know you can,” he laughs and walks closer to you as he tugs off his own scarf and wraps it around your neck.

“I just like doing it for you.”

-

“Earlier,” Kiyoomi begins after he’s settled in the couch of your new apartment’s living room. You turn to face him, attention in focus then wait for him to continue.

“When we were upstairs Iwaizumi-san asked where you were moving.”

“Oh yeah? I forgot I didn’t tell him my new address, thanks for remi—“

“He asked again if we were going to be moving in together and I didn’t answer,” he swiftly cuts you off. You stare back at him, confused, then nod your head urging him to continue.

“I didn’t answer him at first because I wanted to see how he’d react.”

“Omi—“

“(Y/n),” he sighs. You blink back, confused.

“He still loves you.”

Kiyoomi says this like he’s just talking about the weather and because of that you’re suddenly aware of fast the room dipped into the newfound silence. Your heart hammers in your chest while you feel your hands curl into a familiar fist; fingernails automatically moving to dig into the flesh of your palms.

“Of course he does, I do too—“you reason, but his expression shifting has you revising your choice of words.

“I will always love him, Omi. Haji was my friend before he became anyone else,” you explain, softly, and reach out to take his hand in yours. He smiles at you and you mirror it, appreciating the way he didn’t pull out of your touch.

“Is that it?” he asks before you look at him, eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“What else is there?” you laugh and shift your focus to his hand on yours.

“Are you really happy?”

“With this?” he questions again and sits up, taking both of your hands in his. Kiyoomi stares with baited breath, so when the silence buzzes in your ear even louder, you nod.

“With us?” Kiyoomi whispers and the echo it delivers rings loud. You hear his question ricochet from the walls to your ears over and over again while you stare straight into the plethora of questions he chooses not to vocalize manifesting themselves in his eyes.

Then, almost slowly, you nod. Because you are happy, though more so thankful. But that’s still happiness, the voice in your head reasons, so you relent and cup his face.

“You’re my blessing, Kiyoomi,” is the truth that’s spoken from your lips as you watch something living unfold in his.

“I love you,” is what he says and you nod, speechless, as he presses his forehead against yours because you feel everything in his words.

“Are you happy?” he asks again when you part and you smile, remembering your mother and Hajime’s words. The sentiment in his question is one of honesty, that in that moment, it suddenly fills you with newfound warmth.

“She asked me the same thing,” you answer, vulnerable. Kiyoomi always had a way that made it okay to feel vulnerable.

“Because I think she knows your answer,” he tells you quietly and what he says makes you think of his words.

“I’ll get there,” is what you planned to answer but before you could get the words out you’re suddenly widening your eyes as you see Kiyoomi shift and bend down on one knee in front of you, a ring in his hand.

-

Three years later | Italics in flashback

For the first time in your life everything felt connected.

From the pin that held your veil together, to the yellow and pink roses that bloomed along an aisle of white.

Everything felt like it was finally in place as Tooru took one look at you from behind the doors and teared up.

“Please don’t make me cry,” you tell him and smile as you loop your arm through his.

“This is payback for making me cry when you asked if I could give you away,” he laughed before dabbing at the corners of his eyes.

“Thank you, Tooru,” you whisper as he gives you one final look. The browns of his eyes reminded you that you are loved.

“Your mom would be so happy now,” is his reply as the doors open.

She would be happy, you think as you take one, two, then four steps forward as you grip your bouquet tighter. The pendant with her photo is surrounded in gold plating, and you find yourself thinking that nothing suited her better than gold.

To and for you, she had always been golden.

You feel Tooru part with you midway as he lets you walk the final stretch alone. It was supposed to be the other way around, Issei commented before, but Takahiro was quick to side with you and say it was fitting. Even if Tooru stood in your parent’s place to symbolize giving you away, a parent’s job is really just to walk with you to the halfway mark in life and let you walk the rest of the way alone.

You find yourself smiling at the memory.

The engagement ring on your left finger catches the light from the photographer’s flash as the first notes of a cello play.

“I would ask you to marry me but I know you’re going to tell me no,” Kiyoomi tells you.

“I don’t know you, yet, (y/n). But I know you just enough to know there’s some things you are choosing to not let go of.”

You watch him stare at you, eyes soft and understanding you’re suddenly overcome with the urge to cry again.

From the aisle, your eyes catch Kiyoomi’s as he stares back at you, beautiful and iridescent in the light. He’s always looked the most beautiful when he felt connected with music, you think. Much like now, as he presses harder on the strings and close his eyes to slip into the element.

“It’s okay,” Kiyoomi soothes, and reaches forward to wipe the tear sliding down your cheek.

“I don’t think I got to know you, just yet. I only saw bits of who you were under that exterior and neither of us know if we could work as well then if we lay ourselves bare now,” he continues and you nod, understanding his point.

“I love how resilient you are, (y/n),” Kiyoomi whispers and you smile because his voice isn’t cracking. He’s okay with this, and somehow, that lifts the heaviness in your chest. “I love how you never break despite the situation, but I’ve only known that side of you so far.”

“You deserve someone who’s seen you from the start. I can stay and we can work this out, but I don’t know if I’ll love you then. Iwaizumi loved you then and now, and I think you still do too. I could never take you away from that.”

“I don’t want to ask you who you are yet,” he says and you nod telling him you’re still getting to know yourself too.

“She’ll be proud of you regardless,” Kiyoomi finishes and with that you sob.

Kiyoomi opens his eyes and looks at you with a smile while he continues to play. Thank you, you mouth telling him, and he smiles as he plays harder.

“For what it’s worth,” you begin. “I know,” Kiyoomi finishes and the smile on his face is as sincere as his words. “Our time will always be a part in history that will be ours.”

You inhale, smile, and then cup his face in your hands. “It will always be priceless,” you add.

This was a piece you recognized from years ago, you recall with a smile. If you had your violin with you, it wouldn’t take much for you to remember the score and slip into a duet with him. The dynamics, you recognized too—and the way Kiyoomi’s playing only tells you he’s playing even louder.

Three years ago he played the same piece you would have played for the concert your mom would have finally made it to. The same day she died you sat in a practice room with Kiyoomi, crying your heart out as the he plays the same melody you’re walking to now.

Let it out, is what he told you and you did just that.

Let it go, is what he also wants you to know and you did that too.

All your life you’ve thought of love and thought it was lost when you lost her. Kiyoomi, you realize, is the love you were just beginning to learn. The love you’ve parted with before you tangled yourself in too deep; and perhaps in another lifetime you could chase each other bare bones and all, but in this life you know Hajime is the love you thought you closed the door to despite leaving it ajar.

One last look at Kiyoomi lets you see that he closes his eyes as you turn away and face forward.

And when you do, you see colors.

Green from his eyes, like the leaves on your bouquet and the grass outside your childhood home. A yellow flower pinned on his breast pocket; the color from the petals of a flower your mother loved to grow the most. Pink; like the color his cheeks turned into when you first shook his hand.

Then when he smiles at you—you feel a sense of home. When you see him begin to cry, you feel a sense of love that washes over you like the soft waves of the shallow end.

Steady, constant, and safe.

Love, like the words your mother wrote to you in a letter you discovered in an old journal. Where she wrote that even if she never had your father to love, she found her love in you. To be cradled in you so that was enough for her.

That she knew she was strong, but even more so because her strength was drawn from being with you.

Love, like the words from a friend as you remember Kiyoomi’s reminder that it’s okay to take that hand that just wants to pull you out of the deep end.

Love, like the awakening from the depth and seeing that Hajime is the hand that’s been there all along and you have yet to take.

Love, you remember like your mother’s voice.

Love, like the one that has been with you since the beginning. Because you were loved from the very start.

And Hajime—whose name spoke of beginnings.

for my mother whose love cradled me from the beginning. may you rest where the flowers bloom the most beautiful. i love you.

[bitimdrake]

Im thinking about 3rd graders playing serial killer because now I'm wondering why people think Damian is weird bc Gotham kinda sucks and it must be bc he was raised more normal than Gotham and he asked why the 3rd graders don't play batman and now everyone talks shit about him

"Gotham kids think Damian is weird because he is too normal for them" is certainly a new take lmao. Damian goes on a campaign to convince them serial killers are cowards and losers and Batman is way cooler.

(although now i am overthinking kids playing serial killer. I mean it's one thing when a serial killer is rare, but in a city where the Joker breaks out of prison ever other month and kills like 50 people? And he's just one of a couple dozen big names? Most of these kids have gotta know someone directly affected by a Gotham serial killer. At the very least, some caretakers have gotta be stepping in here to tell them off for ~making light of the situation~. At a certain age, I wanna say middle school, there's gotta be a pushback from a group of kids who have just grasped that serial killers are not vaguely bad in the distance but actively bad here and are now trying to argue with all their classmates to stop being edgy shits about it.

...on the other hand like. Do you think kids debate over which Gotham serial killers are cooler like they're talking about Pokemon. I bet they do. I bet there's some edgelord in every 6th grade class insisting the Joker is super cool and right and some little girl who's just learned about feminism shilling for harley quinn and always one kid who is trying to campaign for some random dark horse candidate like the ventriloquist. and then the narc kids walk into the room and lecture them on how it's not cool to stan for serial killers because mindy's cousin's mom was killed by poison ivy and how would you feel if that happened to your mom, hm?)

[al3x1ss]

Cheerleader Captain {HCs}

Includes: Terushima, Oikawa

THIS IS WRITTEN WITH A GENDER NEUTRAL READER!

Authors Note: This is a sort of collab with @lexysclubhouse based on our conversations LMAO, but seriously go check hers out!

If a part 2 is wanted, leave an ask!

Warnings: Cursing

Terushima

aLRIGHT KIDS LETS GET TO IT

also hello go check out Lexy’s part of this (collab? Idfk)

SO

you two probably met while he was in practice, but since you’re the cheer captain, you needed to get the last jacket for one of your competitions coming up

so they’re on a water break and they just see a random person come in like

👀

are you lost baby gorl 😏

ANYWHO

Terushima comes up to you smirk and all

“Hey gorgeous, you lookin for me?”

You just look up at this man

Bored as hell

And you’re just SILENT

sO HES JUST LOSING CONFIDENCE LMAO

“No.”

YOU JUST SHOVE PAST HIM

HOMEBOY LOOKS LIKE A LOST PUPPY

so you go to your coach, and immediately a smile comes of your face

and he’s like oh my god

Angel 🥺

so you talk with your coach, get the jacket and say goodbye to her

jacket w a v i n g in the wind behind you like there’s literally a fan on but there’s not?

you’re just so cool to him

so he has already fallen like

IMMEDIATELY

was trying to find you but he can’t

He’s over here thinking you’re a 3rd year from how mature you were

(You’re a second year hehehehe)

so the next time he sees you, YOURE at practice!

His team wasn’t told that their gym was gonna be used for a little before practice

So his team got their early and saw your team doing a routine to “Livin’ La Vida Loca”

ONCE AGAIN HE HAS FALLEN IN LOVE AND CANT GET OUT

DUDE

YOU WITH YOUR POM POMS?

YOUR HIPS

MF ALMOST GOT A NOSEBLEED SHIT

LIKE IT WASN EVEN EROTIC

YOJ WERE JUST SO STUNNING AND COOL LIKE SHIT

HE FELT LIKE A LITERAL NERD

the words “I don’t deserve their oxygen” full on came out from his mouth

ONE OF HIS TEAMMATES JUST STARTED WHEEZING LIKE

OH MY GOD

THEIR CAPTAIN?

W I M P

Like you’re practicing in sweats but shit I mean I’d simp 😳

About 2 weeks later he hears about you guys winning your competition

At this point you kind of know him? Like after that small interaction the cheer team and volleyball team were introduced to eachother

Especially since you were going to be cheering at prelims in 2 months

So the next day he pulls you aside and confesses

Stuttering and ALL

HE GOT YOU FLOWERS

LIKE HE GOT ROSES CUZ HES A BASIC BITCH

BUT LEAVE HIM ALONE HES TRYING 🥺

Shit I’d KILL to get flowers from someone

especially him

okay lex not the time

HE TAKES YOU ON A DATE TO THIS REALLY CUTE DINER

YOU KISS HIS CHEEK AT THE END OF THE NIGHT EIRHHTHTYN

YOU LUCKY MF I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

literally the first conversation was about his tongue piercing

And he got REALLY self conscious

BUT

YOU HAD ONE TOO?

WHICH WAS SUPER COOL

LIKE OMG TWINSIES

like of course you took it out for comps and stuff but for just hanging out you had it in

You look so hot with it to him

so two weeks pass and it’s pre-lims!

At this point you’re one of Johzenji’s favorite couples

Like why didn’t y’all get together sooner you cute as FUCK

So you guys are doing a small routine while Terushima goes up to serve

ITS THE SAME LIVIN LA VIDA LOCA ROUTINE LMAO

MANS IS JUST HOLDING THE BALL STARING AT YOU

NOT KNOWING THAT THE WHISTLE BLEW ALREADY

AND THEN HE SNAPS OUT IF IT REALIZING HIS 8 SECONDS WERE UP

HE LITERALLY G A V E A POINT TO THE OTHER TEAM BECAUSE YOU WERE SO PRETTY

Now between switching sides after losing the 1st set, you walk up to him

He’s just staring at you smirking

“So, you wanna talk about that serve?”

“OH IM SOOOOORY, my pretty baby was just so beautiful, I couldn’t look away.”

THIS MAN DOESNT WALK AWAY

HE MF S K I P S

YOURE RED AS HELL

PRETTY BABY?

BEAUTIFUL?

UGH

Oikawa

heheh HES WEARINT MY NUMBER I ALWAYS SCREAM AT THIS

OKAY SO I HAD A DRESM AB THIS

AND I LOVED IT

SO ITS HAPPENING

ENJOY

OKAY

SO

here’s what I’m thinking

Terushima HAS a cheerleading partner?

Oikawa HAD a cheerleading partner

Your schedules just never lined up and it was a mutual break up!!

You guys broke up about 3 months ago so the awkwardness is basically gone?

Like y’all are friends ya know

And yeah both of you do both still think about it randomly

mostly oikawa 👀

So they’re at practice and you come in SPRINTING

LIKE BOYS ARE ABOUT TO BLOW THE WHISTLE TO START A GAME AND THEY JUST SEE YOU ZOOM

SO EVERYONES JUST KINDA WATCHING LMAO

you don’t come out of the office for a while so they end up starting the game

you wanna know who’d up to serve

Oikawa :)

boy serves RIGHT when you come out

Like the universe was like “oh? let’s scare the mother loving SHIT out of ‘em!”

literally hits the wall next to you

“OIKAWA TOORU GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!”

MAN FREEZES

like shit

He was already gonna get scolded by iwa

but you?

he comes up to you with his arms behind his back, his eyes obviously terrified

“Do you know what you just did?”

“Yes.” 🥺

“And do you realize what you’re gonna do?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Homeboy has never eeen this side of you so he’s terrified.

And when you go to walk away he realizes you’re wearing a captains jacket

“Wait, Y/N, you got promoted?”

“Oh, yeah, I tried for it like a month ago.”

“Congratulations.”

he kinda just stares at you walk out like

Me?

oIKawA tOoRU

missing my ex?

n e v e r

okay maybe sometimes

so the next time he sees you they’re at the prelims against date tech

And he seems you come in in your uniform

wOOSH 🥰

So you guys lock eyes and y’all wave at eachother

you can see his face is r e d so you’re smiling

the game starts, you guys doing simple cheers, but as they get to the transition to the second set, you guys start doing a cheer to “Idol” by BTS that you choreographed

And seeing you as a captain?

H I T THIS MAN

HIT IT TIL IT BREAKS TYPE BEAT

he literally paused to stare at you, iwa was like

“GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND DROOL AFTER THE GAME”

stan iwa honestly y’all would make fun of him together whenever you guys had time to hang out

So, end of prelims, they lost to Karasuno

And you’ve been to his house maybe a few times when you guys were dating?

so you remember where it is

his mom?

kinda shocked to see you?

especially in a cheerleading uniform since she never realized you did that?

but you were talking about how you just wanted to see him

so you go upstairs and into his room and he’s just in the corner with his alien plushy sobbing

Your heart is breaking at this point for this man

You go and sit beside him, him not really acknowledging you

“Tooru, I’m really really proud of you and what you’ve become. That will not be the last time you’re on a court, and I will make sure it that as long as I live.”.

he turns to you and turns his alien pushy, instead clinging onto you

You can feel your uniform getting soaked, but you run your fingers through his hair anyway, giving him forehead kisses

after a while of crying, he lifts his head to look at you, eyes still very puffy

You look at him back and you give him a small smile

And he puts his hand on your chin

Gotta get that kiss kiss after missing you for so long

SOFT MAKEOUTS WITH OIKAWA OKAY

so here you guys are at about 2am

Talking about how you missed eachother

“Y/N, I really want to get back together with you.”

😳

“Who would I be to say no to an offer like that?”

You guys go to school the next day

Give the rest of Seijoh 4 sQUEEZES

cuz they deserve it I love them dearly

on Saturday you guys actually went on a date!!

you wanna know what song came on the radio

MF IDOL

HE TURNS TO YOU GRINNING AND GOES

“Ya know you looked really cute doing this cheer, might want to see it again~”“OIKAWA TOORU I WILL NOT HESITATE TO CRASH THIS CAR”

End note: “Just a Friend to You” begins in two days and I’m v excited! (Once again thank you for 100 notes!) (self promotion ✨) But in all seriousness, please go check out Lexy’s stuff! She’s a great writer and is so sweet ❤️

~ Lex 🖤🤍

[suuho]

I love what you said about vocalists. I think it one of the reasons I truly fell in love with EXO. The vocals of this group is insane compared to others. I do wonder of this is the reason why so many 4th Gen stans seem to have complete hatred regarding older kpop groups. When it comes down to it, the vocalist quality has dropped off and there doesn't seem to be anyone focusing on it. Like one of the things that made me admire EXO was when I watched Chanyeol's monthly video and him and Baekhyun went to vocal lessons showing that they are still focused on the music and honing their craft. This coupled with the fact that they are all active in the shaping their music shows they they will be around in one way or another and they have influenced so many after them.

I was reading a discussion about Girl's Generation comeback that was just full of people shouting out 4th Gen girl groups (and Blackpink) fans talking about how Girls Generation aren't dominating and therefore lesser than when they first debuted. And all I could think about was that they've been around 15 years, still sound awesome, and doing this music thing on their terms now and doing it for their fans. I doubt you could say that for some of these groups around now (I have already seen a couple of articles taking about some decent ones that have disbanded and some of them been around less than 5 years) and you should want the longevity for your favorite group and their music and sound should be the top thing to consider.

it is simply a FACT that many of the 4th gen (and even late 3rd gen) artists are not on par with the likes of exo and shinee, and i don't care how snobbish it sounds. it is the truth, and a huge reason why 4th gen kpop is not exciting to me. txt and enhypen and stray kids and blackpink and who and what, their vocal standard is subpar to that of groups having debuted before them. very rarely are there any groups that have the same musicality and knowledge of their vocals. i think ateez is very adept, i am very glad that they perform live and they really dazzled me when i saw them in concert, especially because they performed all live. that is one group out of many though, and sometimes i wish the good vocalists wouldn't be wasted on noise music. taeil, doyoung, haechan and jongho are all vocalists that could have more exposure in vocal heavy groups among the likes of exo. where is the r&b? where is the pop perfection? where are the ballads? where is the complexity in the music produced? melodically? why must we get another dynabutter etc. for easy public consumption? why has no other group even attempted the depth of exo's tempo, for example? think about it.

like i said, this is partly down to the audience of this day and age being unable to simply sit still and focus for a mere five minutes. we aren't putting singers on stage anymore because we are lacking demand for it. people constantly joke about boring ballad sections, about snooze fest songs, about how groups lack the talent to pull of more and more demanding choreography. back in the day, kpop groups had huge chunks of their setlists dedicated to simply standing on a stage and singing - shinee being the biggest example of that, going as far as giving their main vocals a duet to just sing and go ham on. these days, all they want are dancers. pretty faces. look at aespa; we know they can sing but 98% of their stages have been full lip sync (unheard of for older sm groups, lmao. shinee is known for their live vocals, as is exo, as is tvxq, etc.), and they are terrible performers. but at least their concepts are cool and their choreographies are tiktok worthy. right? oh, god in heaven. what has it all come to?

as always, anyone is free to disagree with me. my focus in music has always been on vocals and maybe that's why i am sad to have seen the art get so lost within the industry. even performance or hip hop heavy groups used to have outrageous singers (think bigbang). now, 4th gen stans are dragging each other with clips of their faves singing badly live. oh, my.

[theravennest]

Let’s Talk: The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion

I finished all 40 eps about two weeks ago, actually. I enjoyed it for the most part, the 1st half especially, but there were several things near the end that took me out. 

But first some of the good bits...

The cast chemistry was immaculate. Our four main lead actors were a lot of fun together. Not just Zhang Zhehan and Ju Jing Yi, but also Wang You Shuo and Xu Jiaqi (Loved them!). The four of them have such obvious ease with each other after their previous work together in Legend of Yun Xi and it made scenes with any combination of the main four really pop. 

I was especially drawn to the sisters’ relationship and the Prince-Vassal bond going on between Prince Su and Little Marquis. (Y’all know I’m a sucker for both sibling stories and stories about fictional royals and their loyal vassals.)

Most of the ancillary characters were interesting, actually. As y’all know from my last post about this one, I was crack shipping like crazy all the side characters. 😂 This cast made it easy for me.

Except for Prince An. (Sorry to hit the bad so early.) Good god, I hated that man. His character was poorly drawn in pretty much every way, which is unfortunate cuz he’s the main antagonist. Any story with a main antagonist that just doesn’t work is always gonna be weaker.

Also, no offense to people who like that actor but he was the only cast member who did absolutely nothing for me in terms of performance. So much of the story was focused on his weaksauce motivation and dry acting like, my god, put me out of my misery I do not care.

Anyway, the set design and costuming was top notch and I even enjoyed the broader story ideas the show was trying to put forth. The sitcom vibe of the first 20 eps or so was SOOO good. Our four mains’ comedic timings were pitch perfect. 

Unfortunately, the writing took a sharp nosedive in the back 3rd or so and it had a rough ending. (The lightning strike on the tower scene, the fight in the underground temple, the return of Prince An’s mom...all of that was trash. let’s be real.)

I mostly blame this on three things: the missteps with the Prince An character, the lack of development of Rong’s prophetic dreams even though that was the main premise of the show, and the jump-the-shark moment that was the wedding night and its subsequently underwritten fallout. 

Now to clarify, I don’t mean to say the wedding night event shouldn’t have happened at all but rather the execution of it within the story was poor and it negatively impacted 90% of the other character motivations/progressions and the overall pacing. 

You know, it felt like that thing you do as a writer where you wake up and have a specific scene in your mind. It’s evocative, impactful, fun, or otherwise intense. But you just have that scene and it’s something that would have to happen in the middle of your story. So you work your way backwards to try to get to that scene and you do your best to get the characters to make decisions to get there but when you sit down to write nothing works out. It’s clunky or OOC for the scene to still happen so you end up having to either scrap the evocative scene or keep the clunky lead up and hope no one notices. That’s what that wedding scene and everything that happened after felt like. They wrote themselves into a corner and just struggled to recover until the bitter end. 

The main pairing suffered the most because of the poor writing choices. No matter how much chemistry ZZH and JJY have together, even they could not completely salvage Rong’s yo-yoing behavior with Prince Su. They started off so wholesome and then dove into such toxicity and miscommunication for no reason. 

Don’t get me wrong. I can very easily enjoy angst. But Fu Rong consistently broke this man down. After ep 25-26, it stopped being good angst and became so awful to watch all the emotional manipulation and turmoil. There’s something broken in the writing if 9 out of 10 times Prince Su cried or fell into depression it was because of something Rong did or said to him after jumping to a conclusion with only part of the puzzle pieces gathered. 

I could forgive some stuff because Prince An was manipulating things but some stuff was just all Rong not giving Prince Su the benefit of the doubt or plain old not doing her due diligence in investigating. She is supposed to have inherited the most prolific and successful spy organization in the show and she still got 90% of her conclusions wrong. It was like she was determined to always think the worst of Prince Su no matter what despite how often he went above and beyond to help her. Despite the fact that he literally had a reputation as a general for being a harsh taskmaster but fair and just. 

I think what broke me was when she did the bare minimum investigation into her own father’s death and just fully blamed Prince Su without confronting him honestly or even considering his personality or their relationship up until that point. She really believed a single street seller’s entire testimony over the man she lived with and supposedly loved for months. Girl...

And this is after she’d previously mistakenly accused him of killing her mentor with very few facts to the point where she stabbed him on their wedding night.

There came a point where I actually wanted Prince Su to finally, truly divorce Rong and settle down with someone who could love him right. Maybe give him time to heal from the repeated heartbreaks, betrayals, and the literal stab wound in his chest but he was so fucking in love with Rong, he just couldn’t escape.

(If there were behind the scenes production reasons for the clunky-ness of the back half, I would not be surprised at all but ultimately they don’t matter cuz the story we got was the story we got.)

Imagine if we had gotten a Rong who used her prophetic dreams to navigate the cut throat world of royal politics. Or imagine if we’d gotten Rong as a true apprentice to Ruyi who learned both metalsmithing and spycraft in the first half and took over the pavilion as a competent leader in the second half. As it stands, it just felt like wasted potential.

I’m glad they had the modern day special AU eps tho cuz those were great. Zhang Zhehan and Ju Jing Yi had the opportunity to really showcase their incredible chemistry but in a modern setting and with better writing than the back 3rd of BRYP.

Now let’s talk Zhang Zhehan since he was the reason I started this in the first place. I loved him in this. I truly did. He was stern and serious but also playful and sweet. He was romantic but awkward, badass but vulnerable. He really delivered a nuanced and charming performance. I loved every second.

I think my favorite moment wasn’t some badass fight or even a super romantic moment. No, it was when he got drunk and started crying like a little baby cuz Rong was constantly doubting him no matter what he did. It was simultaneously sad and hilarious. Like gut busting funny. Y’all can watch it here:

I laughed so fucking hard at this. Oh my god, guys! This shit was too much.

Random Thoughts:

The romance between the 2nd leads was A+. Truly an adorable affair. Though I think they should’ve gotten together officially earlier around ep 25 or so and we should’ve seen the rest with them as a couple.

The costuming was so good y’all. For all the main four characters but I was especially drawn to Prince Su’s outfits.

The ghostly pale look with the bright red lips and eyeshadow makeup for Rong did not bother me at all. I actually liked it for her though I think it would’ve worked better if she’d had more explicit prophetic abilities.

I could’ve used more actual war scenes with Prince Su and Little Marquis.

The OST for the show SLAPPED!

That one kid spy in Ruyi Pavilion was voiced by the same actor as Chengling from WOH and I have never double-taked harder. lmao

Even though there were things I didn’t like in this show, I appreciated how gay I could make it in my last post. Truly it was a bisexual’s dream aesthetically.

[okitagumi]

every single color for the ask box thingy 😽😼 (,if u wanna lol)

Invade my privacy. Do it.

Purple: 10 facts about my room

i used to share it with my sister, my wardrobe is about to fall apart any minute cuz it's old and sucks, i have 3 different fairy lights in there, the walls are white now but they used to be yellow and blue, there's a dent in a wall from the time i threw a chair, the message chair my mother bought my dad for his 40th bday is in my room but it's broken and i dont want it but there's nowhere else to put it, there are also exactly 4 posters of my favorite kpop girlgroup, the bookshelf in my room is actually way too small for all the books im planning to buy in the future but there's no space for another shelf, the lightbulb in my room take a while to fully light up so whenever i turn on the light it gradually .. slowly .... gets brighter, my brother's been trying to get me to switch rooms with him for ages cuz his is smaller but i wont

Blue: 9 facts about my family

albanians from kosovo, i still have relatives living in kosovo but most of my family's abroad (mainly germany, austria and switzerland) by now, i have two younger siblings, i grew up with my siblings and 5 of our cousins in one house until i was 10 so we were 8 kids in total (i was the oldest), i have about 50 cousins in total, my brother got engaged last year on dec 26th and then married just 2 days after, my grandpa was the first in our family to emigrate to germany in 1970 and he went all alone, my dad was born in kosovo two years after that and then came to germany in 1986 when he was 14, my parent's marriage was arranged and my mother had no problem with that but my dad really wasn't happy with it

Green: 8 facts about appearance

my hair's red currently, but naturally it's dark brown, my hair's pretty long like lower back length but also damaged as hell, i'm 5'5 / 165cm, i have dark eyes, also long finger nails and they're a pain sometimes BUT i keep them long because i used to be a huge nail-biter and im proud i could stop that habit, i had straight bangs for a few months but they look terrible now cuz im growing them out, u'll rarely see me without nail polish

Yellow: 7 facts about my childhood

i think i repressed the memory of most of it cuz i barely remember anything tbh lmao, in 3rd grade we had obligatory swimming lessons every 2 weeks and i almost drowned once (i couldnt swim back then and im still a terrible swimmer), i almost hung myself on accident while playing with one of my cousins, watching digimon after kindergarten/elementary school was my biggest happiness, like i said earlier we were eight kids but our parents didn't want to waste money on toys we'd eventually break anyways so we'd always have to come up with games ourselves (like jumping from a small wall onto the binbags in the backyard, throwing stones instead of balls .......), i once got so angry i whacked my brother over the head with a belt buckle and his head bled so hard he had to be driven to the hospital anyways i still cant stand the sight of blood, my cousin and i once played in our grandpa's car but one of us accidentally released the handbreak and the car rolled backwards with us still in it and the adults who were outside freaked OUT

Orange: 6 facts about my home town

it's not really a town it's just a village with a little over 3k ppl, i moved here when i was about 2 years old, then i moved a couple streets away when i was 10 bc my parents were tired of so many people in one house, my 9th/10th grade german teacher lives like 2 minutes away from me, my elemtary school building isn't used anymore cuz they build a new school building right next to it where the park was but the new one's kind ugly (and too small apparently), we have like 5 or 6 cemetries here

Red: 5 facts about my best friend

i dont have one best friend but rather a group of best friends so one fact for each of them: two of them are twins i met 5 years ago, another one has been my friend for like 11 years ? we've never actually met tho but we probably will this year, another one lives in indonesia but we've known each other for pretty much 6 years now, i've met this friend about 6 years ago on twitter too and we love remembering the beef between some of our shared mutuals and friends what a fun time, last one is also from indonesia and i havent known her for as long as the others (maybe 3 years or something) but we grew close so quickly so now instead of our names it's always beloved this beloved that .. everyone's sick of us probbly

Pink: 4 facts about my parents

im not close to my mother at all like she might as well be a stranger to me that's how terrible our relationship is, im kind of close to my dad but even with him it's more of a "i hate you one moment and love you the next" kind of thing, like i said earlier my dad initially didnt want to get married to my mother because no one even asked him lmao his dad was just like "son ... i found a wife for u" and that was that. he accepted it after a while but from what i've heard from my uncles he didn't even want to be in the same room as her at first, they've been married for almost 28 years now

White: 3 facts about my personality

im extremely introverted, doesn't mean i enjoy staying in all the time cuz i also get bored so quickly, it takes a lot to genuinely make me angry

Grey: 2 facts about my favorite things

right now my favorite thing is mahoyaku so i'll just drop 2 facts about that: one of the characters canonically fucked for sugar, another character canonically eats dirt and charcoal and plates (mistook plate for cookie)

Black: 1 fact about the person I like

i dont like anyone tbh

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

[h1kari]

Salutations & Greetings, Love! ✨❤️

I’ve been seeing your personalized ships & I was hoping to have made the mark to have it done - hopefully!

I’d love to have a ship with Haikyuu, please! I use she/they pronouns, I am 5’8, i shoulder length brown hair with dingy highlights, hazel eyes, freckles all over, i also have four tattoos & 5 piercings! I’m also on the more curvier side of the body spectrum.

Personality wise I’m told i’m more of the mom friend / protective friend. I’m usually shy around new people but i can be a goofball! though i can have a bit of a temper i am usually very laid back and easy to get along with!

Personal aesthetic i’m not sure honestly! I suppose a mix of soft girl & e-girl? cause i’ve been lost in aesthetic items already but usually i’m in a hoodie & shorts :)

my interest includes sketching / painting, reading murder mystery/romance books, writing. I’ve been taking up graphic design more. I LOVE watching horror movies, cooking (dancing in the kitchen is a must), trying new foods. I am so certain that i have a sweet tooth addicted, but i love savory food. I used to do boxing and throwing in track & field - definitely helped with muscle haha! If you send me memes, I’ll definitely send some back & then we’ll fall in love 😌

Extra stuff, i am a scorpio, my birthday is Nov. 3rd, favorite color is maroon! I LOVE cuddling - i am a heater - so cuddles & naps are a must please! Dancing and singing are so much fun - especially dancing in my room haha.

I’m not going to lie, I’m addicted to TikTok & reading fanfics so i’m expecting to be teased 😂 I love cute / silly nicknames - honeycakes, pretty girl/baby, baka (oops) - they just make my heart flutter 🥺🥰

I hope this is enough & not too long! And i hope to be matched with someone! Thank you so much in advance! ✨❤️

OKAY HEAR ME OUT- this may’ve been sorta unexpected bUT YEAH i ship you with🥁🥁🥁kyoutani! Aka kyouken/mad dog. Allow me to explain (this would also be kinda like couple shenanigans ig 🤔):

Polar👏opposites👏 YES. You’re all beautiful angelic mom vibes, while he’s all angry rat man, obviously no one expected you both to get together. Let’s say you’re the manager of the vb team yeah? The guys love you in seconds, i mean why wouldn’t day? You spoil them, but you also keep them in check. You’re literally the mom of the group, along with iwaizumi ofc. Kyouken is kind of an ass at first, well- not entirely. He’s honestly just partly shy, and partly “doesn’t wanna get distracted” with certain..people. SO ofc like every angsty love story, he pretty much ignores you at first, so you think he hates you for some time. That is- until iwa and shigeru call him out on his bs talk to him and let him know that hey, you’re being kind of a dick. After that, he starts making more of an effort, actually approaching you, telling you that if you need any help with the sport and managing he’s your guy, asking how you’re doing, giving you snacks when you seem down, etc. All of this, of course, with the usual tsundere looking ass frown on his face, but with a nice shade of red on his cheeks. It’s pretty charming tbh. Since then, you become wayyy closer, you’re vary caring and are always there to help him, but ofc you also keep him grounded and in check, your slight temper helps with that. Kyou teases the shit outta you when you guys get closer, but he’s more the tsundere teaser. All “baka” and slight nose or forehead flicks coming from him. He’s very protective of you, any sight of shady looking ppl will have him at your side, glaring daggers at those who seem untrustworthy. He loves how sweet and patient you are with him, but also how badass, honest, and no bullshit you are, it makes him feel safe? Trusted? Just-...nice. Really nice.

Btw oikawa saw this coming since the day he met you

I feel like the confession would be pretty blunt, but still sweet. He’d talk to oikawa and iwa before, telling them what he felt. But he was super oblivious, all “i just see them and feel suddenly...happy..i guess?? And i wanna keep seeing them. I like their company...and their face” iwa and oikawa are like 👀

Iwa: i think you may be uh-crushing on them, bud

Oikawa: YOU HAVE TO CONFESS OMG😩😩

Kyou’s kinda shy about it at first, very confused too. Dude never thought he’d want to get in a relationship with someone so he’s like???? WHAT THE FUCK 🗿 but you had to come and be all 💞🌸🥰💞✨💘✨💘🥰💞✨💘🥰🥰 >>>>:::((( DAMMIT. But then he’s really accepting of it? Like- he’s all fine then i’ll just go and tell em, seems logical, while iwa is like “really??? 👁👁” and oikawa “Y E S👏” and so he asks you to meet up at a park he knows you like, which is also the place you guys usually hang out at. And. Basically. He just tells you. He’s pretty flustered tho, you just looked so !! A A A A so he had to look down to be able to get actual words out of his mouth. You’re hella touched, and tell him you feel the same. Soft 🥺

✨DATE IDEAS✨cuddle dates are dates ok!! You guys literally just call each other up to hug and snuggle all cute together, i feel like you’d both be pretty warm, so imagine you guys just cuddling up in bed with the a/c on, which makes you both to cuddle closer 🥺pain😍 (also he’d def call you pretty girl and dumbass/baka the most) Other times you just hang out in each other’s presence, you’ll sketch while he watches you, sometimes he even helps woth references, even if he gets a bit embarrassed over being watched so closely. Also hear this- you guys cook together and nice lovely warm meal and THEN you watch your favorite horror films, i feel like he’d be a huge horror fan no cap, so win win. Sometimed he laughs at the gory scenes tho so you either laugh with him or stare like 👁_👁 (but then you laugh cuz some gory scenes are quite hilarious) OH ALSO when you go to sleep or just cuddle, you read your novels to him, which usually ends up w him falling asleep on your tums 🥺🥺🥺💞💞💞 btw something cute i thought just now- you really help him chill tf out, not only do you bring him back to earth and make him humble out more bUT you also help him have proper fun, for example, you know that scene in the end of the fucking world where alyssa puts on a record, closes her eyes and tells james to dance with her (as she starts dancing to the music)? So he starts dancing and he looks so genuinely happy and it’s so!!! Cute!!! YEAH THAT, here’s the scene if you wanna see (ignore the dance naked part lmao) so yeah, you help him actually have fun, and ngl, the first time he’s genuinely smiled since he was a kid, was with you.

Heyoo i hoped you liked it sweetums!! Hope to see you around this blog soon ^^ have a great one, bye bye!! 💞💞

[mxtcha-tea]

Lines.

✎desc; how I would rate haikyuu character's drawing.

✎team[s]; fukurodani, inarizaki

✎genre; crack

✎language[s]; english

✎chef note; okay, first off, I'm not a professional drawer but I can still rate drawings. This idea just came to me like a minute ago and I had to do it now, so enjoy :)

fukurodani.

Bokuto

Aight, I see that we started off greatly.

In all honesty, he have no idea how to draw,

And of course his drawing would look,,,, quite terrible i'm so sorry bokuto lovers

He's that kid in art class where's when the teacher already told them what to draw,

Bokuto sat there on his chair, staring at the canvas

Like, what is he suppose to do? Draw?

Well, yeah technically but what???

I can totally see him frustratingly erase the sketch if it can be called as a sketch

And then proceed to try to copy other people's work

Keyword; try

It's bad but at least he had an effort to finish it

4/10, there I said it

Akaashi

His drawings are not that professional but it's pretty

Have you ever seen a drawing that you wanted to stare at it for hours until you're satisfied?

That what's his drawing are like

Not typically an art kid so he's fine when student's from his art class asked him to draw for them

And is feeling pretty neutral with his talent (he actually won't call it a talent but more like a hobby or sum)

And just say 'thanks' if peoples compliments his drawing

Let say his drawing is, a good 8/10

A decent drawer in conclusion :)

Konoha

Not a bad drawer but he rather keep it basic

Konoha's prolly too lazy to draw something over the top so he's just gonna draw flower or something ksndnzkj

Sometimes sleep during art class and had to ask what they had to draw

Proceeds to decently draws a scenery

He's totally not the creative kid so whenever the teach tell them to draw something, he'll always go with basket of fruits, like,

Man, I appreciated the drawing but at least put some effort on thinking what to draw

The art teacher also kept telling him that he have raw talent and should enhance the skill more,

But that never happened, no

"Sorry ma'am, I'll just stick to volleyball, thank you,"

One part of the art room has a section of konoha's basket of fruits drawings but in different mediums

Rating is 7/10

Washio

IS actually an art kid and you cannot convince me otherwise

Has a small sketchbook with him and he'll always doodle when he's bored or in a middle of a lecture (while taking notes of course)

His main skill in drawing tho is painting

The colors blends in so well with one another and he's good at picking color palettes

Also, he doesn't really get that annoyed if some kids from his class ask him to teach them how to draw

Or even look through his sketchbook

He'll just nod and hand it to them without a second thought

Ajsjdhsijsi Washio get so blushy when someone compliments his drawing,,,,

I’ll give a 10/10 :), congrats

Sarukui

The best that he can do is doodles of owls and other shits but other than that, he cannot do

But the doodles are kinda cute doe ngl

He’ll have his moment where he’s in class and have no idea what to do, and just doodles a bunch of stuff

Once he draw his whole teammate including his coach and himself, he thought to himself,

“Huh, this looks good,”

And then take a picture of it for memories (cause he might throw the book he’s doodling in away)

Speaking of that, he doesn’t have an official book for drawing and just draws in his english or math’s textbook or sum

His juniors eyes are blessed when they got his textbook

Sarukui just vibes in during art class, draws and that’s pretty much it

The drawings,,,,,eh,,,, not that good, he only specialize in doodling as I said

so in conclusion,

drawing? 2/10

doodling? I’ll give a solid 5/10, good job

Komi

I’m gonna say this and I’m prolly gonna say it again

He hates art class

Like, even with him trying his best to draw, it’ll always gonna look strange than what he planned

mf cannot draw a straight line in art class

This dood can draw a nice straight line in any other class whether it’s for a graph or others,

And then proceed to shakily draw a straight line during art session

Totally not an art kid and will never be one

His drawings,,,,

I’m so sorry but it looks so bad

It’ll prolly look a lot better if he put more effort, but it’ll still look bad no matter what

Komi hates art class and can’t draw even a decent doodle so unfortunately, I’ll have to rate it 0/10, sorry :(

Anahori

His drawings are eh

It’s not good but also not bad?

Sometimes you’ll just stare at his drawing for a good minute and be like, what did he just draw just now?

What I’m saying is that his drawing’s are unexplainable

Maybe if you stare at it a little bit longer then it’ll make sense and you can see the beauty in it

But honestly I can’t really see anything, not in a bad way, but like, literally nothing

You’ll be staring at his canvas as the mario kart rainbow road music started playing inside your head

But Anahori is always proud of his drawings no manner what

So, I’ll rate confusion/10

Onaga

Just like Komi, he sorta hates art class too

But lemme tell ya, his sketches are GODLY, like, have you seen those pinterest hand sketches?

That’s what his sketch would look like

It’s so yummy to look at what

But he sucks at lineart so JAHGSDSHD

Onaga cannot properly hold the black pen and do the lineart, it’ll always turn wonky and he had to throw it away

Like, if he spend even hours tryna outline it all, and then erase it

It’ll look so trash

And he’ll just stare at it for a couple of minutes before crumpling the paper

He’ll also suck at coloring

Mans cannot understand how the color blend in together

And I think I’ll rate,,,,,6/10 just cause he suck at coloring and lineart lmao don’t worry i suck at coloring too

Kaori

Another decent drawer and her drawings are almost the same as Akaashi’s

But instead of it looking pretty, it looks cute

I have a headcanon that Kaori have a journal and does journaling so that’s prolly the reason why her drawings are cute af

But honestly, her drawings sometimes depends on her mood,

If she’s mad or frustrated, her drawing would look kinda rough and not that cute anymore

If she’s feeling happy tho, It’ll look so nice and cuddly does that even make any sense

Isn’t necessarily an art kid but would love to try be one

And she totally have drawing sessions with Washio aaaaaa,

Just imagine both of them sketching in the same sketchbook while talking about the volleyball club or anything else

She’s getting an 9/10 just cause her sketchs looks clean <33

Yukie

She doesn’t draw at all

Like, you’ll never see her drawing at any kind of time so you have no idea what it looks like

Yukie would still attend art class,

But never draws

She said that she’s pretty lazy to draw it and said to draw it at her home later

But no one even saw that drawing after that

Yukie doesn’t show her drawings nor EVEN draw for once

So I technically can’t rate :/

inarizaki.

Ginjima

LISTEN

The only reason why I started with Gin is because he have some amazing drawing skills

He admit that he’s not an art kid but draws godly as if he had been thought since he was a kid,

Well, actually yes

I think Ginjima actually wanted to be a drawer when he was still a little kid way before he started his 3rd year of middle school

So he practiced a few and became a nice drawer since then,

But he kinda quit being a drawer and decided to go with volleyball

And guess what?

His drawing talent is still there

He totally specialize in pencil drawing cause that’s the first thing he started learning

The lines are smooth and the shading are so yummy what is wrong with me

The Miya twins and Suna are so sh00ked when he saw his drawing during art class

ngl he’s pretty smug about it too but doesn’t brag about it

I’ll give this boy 12/10, mwuaah

Suna

I hate this man for this sole reason

Suna is too LAZY to draw so he doesn’t give any effort in his drawing

I can guarantee myself that I’ll get an eye strain when I saw his drawing

And...

*wipes away tears*

He draws too many dick

–2/10

Don’t come for my head Suna lovers

Atsumu

OMFG

OKAY, OKAY, I KNOW THAT ATSUMU MIGHT PUT ON SOME EFFORT IN HIS DRAWINGS,

BUT WHY IS IT STILL SO BAD?????

He’ll prolly think his drawing would look good but no, it’s not

No matter on what perspective you look his drawings at, It’ll still look bad

AND HE DOESN’T EVEN NOTICE IT

Osamu laughs a lot at his drawing and they started fighting for that only reason smh

Atsumu, I appreciate your effort so SO much,

But please, just stick to volleyball

–10+/10

I put a plus there because of his effort and because of pity

Osamu

He draws in ms paint, with a mouse

But he can draw some foods tho

But all of it looks wonky af

1/10

Akagi

A pretty decent drawer

Akagi always draw happy and cute drawings so you’ll also get happy when you saw his drawings

Puts on a big smile when people compliments his drawing and shyly scratches the back of his neck

“Nah, this just look normal!”

But he draws oddly thick lines sometimes

Sometimes it looks good in some drawing

And sometimes it looks, bizzare in others...

But I think his drawing would look nice <3

Overall, I’ll give a,,, 7.5/10, keep up the good work

Oomimi

He’s from class 7 AND I really think that he’ll be good at drawing

Well, he can draw a few things but he struggles drawing other things he never accustomed to

But!

Oomimi is that kid who’s good at drawing scenery

He knows basic color palettes and which is cold and hot colors

So the scenery drawing would always look good

He get a lot of compliments for the drawing (50% of it from Akagi)

I think he doesn’t have that many time to relax and draw freely but when he does have it, it’ll just be small and simple doodles

um, let’s go with 8/10 <3

Aran

I truly believe that Aran can draw peoples face but in a pretty decent amount

He’s also good with anatomy teach me your ways king

But as much as he’s good at that, he kinda sucks at drawing any kind of background drawings

Mans can’t draw a scenery I’m telling you

As if the background doesn’t even exist in his mind lolol I’m sorry Aran lovers, I didn’t mean that in a bad way

Mainly uses copic markers to color and color pencils to shade

The first time he use the copic marker, he got really frustrated that the marker stain the other pages lmao

And he never uses digital drawing applications or softwares

Aran just doesn’t

I think I’ll rate him, 8.5/10

Kita

Okay, I know that Kita’s a top student and never fails in anything

But he’s not typically a good drawer that much

His drawing still got good marks but when you look at it, it just looks normal

I just know that the Kita lovers gonna get me after this

It’s not that bad and not that good, just a nice balance in between

I personally think Kita’s not that godly in drawing but rather a neutral drawer

He draw what he can and does shading and coloring when it’s needed

The colors are all basic colors, no pastel, no neon

And the shadings are pretty basic

Just a normal drawer here

Ya’ll gonna fight me for this but I’ll give Kita’s point,

7/10

[cometcrystal]

i think a big reason why i like zombies more than descendants is something that i hadn’t ever sat down and compared and thought about before this morning: 

mal is the center of the descendants universe, but addison is not the center of the zombies universe.

in d1, you could remove every character except for mal, ben, and their families, and the plot could stay EXACTLY the same. MAYBE jane. if the other VKs were removed, you’d lose a couple side plots. if the other auradon kids were removed, you’d lose a few judgy comments in a few scenes. and still, even with the characters that remain, mal is still the focal point. everything that happens happens because of her, whether directly or indirectly (except for the initial decree from ben at the start of the movie).

and you know what? that’s fine. it’s not perfect writing, but she IS the protagonist. i still don’t like her and i think her actions are shitty and dumb, but she’s the protagonist, and stories typically revolve around the protagonist, even if not EVERYTHING IN THAT UNIVERSE is because of them or connected to them

z1 has two protagonists, and the story focuses on them equally. we get both of their perspectives and we see both their struggles. but, while their presence in each other’s lives is what drives the plot, it’s not all about them. addison’s story is more personal, since she’s dealing w her hair, but zed’s worried about his entire people. it’s not about whether ZED AND ADDISON are happy, it’s about if zombies are able to live free lives in the end. and sure being happy is a great side effect LMAO it’s just like... a much wider scale than just these two teenagers

plus, if you removed many of the characters from zombies besides the protags, you’d be left with a skeleton of a movie. you can’t have the movie without eliza, because where else would the voice of the revolution come from? you can’t have the movie without bucky, because who else would push the anti-zombie feelings and be a driving force to work against? honestly, the only characters i think you could MAYBE remove are bree, bonzo, and the aceys, but they provide important cushioning that the main protags and antagonists kinda need to feel like the story’s bigger than just two people, because it is

in d2, the plot is driven by mal’s unhappiness and mal’s former rival. without mal, this movie would crumble, because uma’s motivation is that she’s angry mal gets to live a privileged life while the isle starves, which is intensified by her former animosity with her. mal runs back to the isle and fucks everything up because she’s the only one who hasn’t integrated seamlessly into auradon (and i don’t blame her for that, but it’s still centered around her). the ending of the movie is about MAL seeing UMA, someone SHE hates taking someone SHE loves. 

in d2, the essential characters are mal, uma, and ben. maybe whoever owned the 3d printer cause they needed that for the wand. i think it was carlos. this movie has a bigger scale than d1, because uma’s mad about mal, but she’s also mad on behalf of the entire isle. the emphasis is still put on her hatred of mal, though.

in z2, addison takes a slightly bigger presence than zed. he’s still a protag and has his own arc, but addison’s the biggest character in this movie. however, even though this is true, you can’t have the movie without all three groups. the essential character list is even bigger than z1: addy and zed, the zombies to act as a buffer, the wolves, and the demolition team, and bucky and the aceys. they’re actually dispensable in addison’s arc this time, belieb it or not, but not zed’s. and zed’s arc is necessary because without it, there wouldn’t be another monster minority group to act as a foil and comparison to the werewolves during their time in seabrook. PLUS the zombies need to be here again because they’re connected to the power plant, which sits over the moonstone, which the werewolves are looking for.

and the werewolves are integral to this movie because the main conflict revolves around them finding a way to survive. addison’s arc is adjacent to the wolves’ plot, and their conflicts cross, but she’s not important to them in the long run, because SHE’S NOT THE GREAT ALPHA. you expect the major conflict in this movie to be addison finding her pack, but that’s secondary to the survival of the werewolves. they’re interested in her because they’re desperate for someone, anyone, who can help, and they think she might be able to help them survive, and that’s where their conflicts connect, but it ends up not working out.

there’s not a 3rd zombies movie yet, but d3 is about audrey being mad about MAL (all of the antagonists in every movie have a bone to pick with MAL SPECIFICALLY) and MAL’S decision about whether to free the isle and MAL’S father being hades. do you see what i mean

anyway the point of this post is that if z2 were d2, mal would have been the great alpha, because everything eventually comes back to her one way or another

also i’m not trying to dig at the “dispensable” characters because i love a lot of them more than the protags (esp in descendants). not every character HAS to be essential, but like......damn descendants

[snkpolls]

SnK Episode 65 Poll Results (for Manga Readers)

The poll closed with 318 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Manga Readers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll, click here.

--

RATE THE EPISODE 309 Responses

Overall the episode was a hit with viewers, with the majority ranking it a 4 or higher. Over half of all respondents rating it a solid 5. The hype is real!

I thought this was a great episode. A lot of hype moments and the CGI worked for me, for the most part. Looking forward to the next episode!

All around exceeded my expectations if mappa keeps this up this will go down as the best anime in history

Chef's KISS!!! 10/10 episode, i was extremely hyped the entire time. 

It was amazing and I hope MAPPA keeps up with the same quality for future episodes

Amazing episode really hype

I thought the voice acting was amazing! :)

Great episode, not perfect but neither was WIT. No adaptation is perfect. This was fantastic.

It was pretty good just maybe good have been done better but I’m just happy it was done at all.

I’ve lowered my expectations to rock bottom at this point

An enjoyable time.

I think it was great! I was very excited and left me wanting more tbh

It was a very good episode!! I'm so happy to see the survey corps again!

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING MOMENTS WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 310 Responses

Mikasa’s reintroduction to the series takes the largest piece of the pie, with 31.6% enjoying the scene the most. In second comes the coordinated attack from the Survey Corps against Porco, with 14.8% feeling that scene really brings the hype. At 10.3%, Levi’s first appearance in the season takes 3rd place, and with 9.7% is the overall fight between Eren and the War Hammer Titan.

Ackermans ran this episode as they should. They're on a whole different level. 

Why isn't the Sasha-Gabi moment in the list of favourite moments? That's my actually favourite moment. Gabi seeing Sasha through the fire and smoke, Sasha's reflection in her eyes...chilling.

THE CGI CONTINUES TO BE A POINT OF CONTENTION. BE HONEST, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE EXECUTION OF CGI SO FAR THIS SEASON? 309 Responses

In general, the fandom appears to be understanding of MAPPA’s usage of CGI, with 38.2% being completely unbothered by it, 20.1% feeling that while it’s not ideal, it could be much worse, and 18.8% not particularly caring for it but not faulting MAPPA for it either. A handful of people just wish that there would be more appreciation that it’s getting animated at all, while others continue to be a bit salty about the usage of CGI this season.

Did people forgot the god-awful Colossal titan's CGI from WIT? Well, I didn't so I wasn't surprised by the same level of CGI in Eren's scene (thankfully just one of them). I rarely have issue with CGI in SnK except for truly awful looking ones so like couple of times in the season, usually. 

I honestly wouldn't even know there's CGI if everyone wasn't complaining about it. I honest to god can't see where they use it.

It's mostly fine

I thought the war hammer titan looked AMAZING, the only CGI that looked odd was the scouts in the background, but that’s really it...?

A few sore spots (e.g. Erens titan looked kinda off this ep), but it's not season-ruining yet. 

CGI Titans >>>>>>>> CGI Survey Corps

It works fine for titans that already look somewhat mechanical (Armor, Jaw), but it looks incredibly awkward for the others, to the point of taking me out of the story. 

Sometimes great sometimes shit

Maybe I've been spoiled by studio orange and the previous seasons, but I know for a fact that they can do better. This is not a new anime, this is the final season of one of the greatest anime of all time, so yeah I expected much better CGI, it was poor and unecessary.

i think it’s gr8/unnoticeable,,,,,like we all put up with the colossal titan in s1-3 lmao

Some Titans like Eren and Beast look a little weird but I just really like how they made effort to make it blend with the art style. Maybe if they had found a way to cut the animation down to 12fps it might not look so bad? Anyways I think it’s good for what it is, MAPPA is doing their best!

I barely noticed it. The animation looks BOMB. Top 5 episodes of the whole series for me and BEST action episode of AOT easily.

I'm always going to prefer 2D but I understand why they're using it. Still sad about what could've been if they were given enough time to work on the season. Definitely going to lower my expectations.

My dumbass wouldn't even notice, I just want to see the pretty people

I think the CGI for the Titans is completely fine. It's the CGI for the Scouts that was a bit off putting for me. Still, not enough to ruin the episode. And if we continue to get animation of this standard I will be fine with it. 

At this point after episode 7 onward eventually AOT CGI is going to be worst than EX-arm's CGI 

I love it because it makes the titans scarier and more eerie? I also miss the 2D ones because they feel more natural. Overall, I think it's fine!

I think the CGi is well executed (for the most part), I just don't like that they had to use it so much.

It's a great job. They manage to execute it very well and go to a normal animation when it's needed. It doesn't bother me tbh

HOW WAS EREN’S ROOFTOP SWAN DIVE? 309 Responses

Eren’s dive in the anime was a bit different than in the manga, but it seemed to get a few laughs out of the fandom, so we asked you all to rank it. 58.3% felt it was the most beautiful dive to have ever dived, while only 5.5% think Eren really needs to work on his form. He did his best.

WHICH RETURNING CHARACTER’S ENTRANCE WAS YOUR FAVORITE IN THIS EPISODE? 310 Responses

Mikasa stole the show this episode, with 53.5% enjoying her entrance the most. Levi wasn’t too far behind though, with 29% of respondents hyped over his return. 11.6% were very happy to see Sasha again, while smaller chunks were glad to see Jean and Connie.

They massacred my Jean-boy’s entrance 🥲

WHICH RETURNING CHARACTER HAS THE BEST MAPPA-STYLE GLOW UP? 304 Responses

We got a more colorful and evened out pie for this question. Overall the largest chunk, at 24.3%, are enjoying MAPPA’s take on Eren’s iconic “hobo chic” look. 21.1% think Sasha looks the best out of all of them, while Mikasa trails just behind her at 20.1%. 16.1% are grateful for Connie’s design, leaving 9.5% favoring Jean, and smaller handfuls appreciating MAPPA’s take on Levi and Floch.

Chubby Floch

Here I am watching the trailer all over again because that's probably the only way to see Jean animated handsome and with his actual manga face. MAPPA what happened?

Levi has a thicc ass

I’m a big fan of all the time skip character designs, it was hard to pick just one favourite :) 

Jean looked stupid... Floch too but that's not important.

OG characters designs feels a bit off to me. I understand why they use CG for some parts and I have mixed emotions about it. I hope they won't rely on it too much on the upcoming episodes.

#ITSTIMEMIKASA WAS TRENDING ON TWITTER BEFORE THE EPISODE AIRED. ON A SCALE OF 1-5, HOW MUCH DID IT LIVE UP TO THE HYPE? 304 Responses

One of the most anticipated scenes of the Marley arc was the return of the Survey Corps and the way Mikasa paves the path for their reintroduction. The fandom appears to be very happy with MAPPA’s execution of the scene, with 60.9% of respondents rating it with a 5, with 27% rating it a 4. 

EEEEEEEEEEK MIKASA

Mikasa! Mikasa! Gosh love her!

im so glad mikasa is back owfejgrnrkdfs

MAPPA INCLUDED FILLER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE OF WILLY HESITANTLY DEPARTING FROM HIS TEARFUL FAMILY. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE ADDITION? 310 Responses

The series isn’t known for having too much filler, but typically what filler does exist seems to be appreciated by the fandom, and this was no exception. 56.8% of respondents were happy for a little more fleshing out of Willy’s character (also learning that those kids were his!) and being able to sympathize more with him. 19.7% appreciated the more sympathetic addition until they remembered he was willing to throw Liberio under the bus for his plan. 13.5% are appreciative of any and all additional Willy content. A small amount didn’t like the filler and would rather have had MAPPA put their effort into other things. 

I liked it. Got to see more of his fine ass. lmao

Don't add extra 2d animation if You can't even handle what's in the manga

It would've been better to show before he was dead. Fleshing him out after the audience already know he's dead doesn't hit as much imo

Wasn't one of the scene itself, but then again I'm always interested in scenes I haven't seen yet.

I am so grateful, willy for is one of my favourites and omg we got to see his family and how is he a lovely papa 😭💕 I can't ask for more bless you MAPPA🤘

fuck them kids

Why should we feel bad for him? He tried to unite the world against Paradis. He got what he deserved.

this was a benefit. as manga readers, we had time to know willy. anime onlies will only ever have these 2-3 episodes and it was very humanizing

How is that possible that Tybur little kids in few seconds were louder nad more chaotic than THE WHOLE CITY DURING THE ATTACK??

It's very regrettable he left so many children fatherless because of what he chose to do. Really saddening..

I’d have rather seen more of the manga animated 

I knew why they added it, but I (personally) think willy is crud. Not mad it's there tho!

He did his duty as a Tybur to the very end. Honestly I wish he could have lived longer, he’s a really compelling and interesting character.

I feel like some viewers have carelessly misunderstood Willy because of that scene in the carriage. They're like 'wow, he really hates and shames his own people huh?' but at the beginning of the episode we all saw his abundance of children. Would it not have been extremely contradictory if he had truly wanted the extinction of all Eldians and then at the same time did the complete opposite by mass-reproducing a small army of Eldian children? Maybe that's why that scene was added to the start of the episode, to keep people away from mischaracterising him. Unfortunately, this may have simply been missed or overlooked by some. 

they should had polish the damn episode instead of fillers.

Loved it! Mappa is killing it with the episode additions 

Reading the manga, I truly didn't even consider the possibility that these were Willy's children because he is so obviously a ~*bachelor*~. Like, it didn't even cross my mind that those children weren't his little nieces and nephews because he is suuuuch a Theater Gay. Nothing can change my mind.

Wait a minute, are these the kids in that ending slide from season 3?

IN THE ORIGINAL CHAPTER 101, MAGATH IS THE ONE WHO ADVOCATES FOR KILLING EREN INSTEAD OF EATING HIM (IN CONTRAST TO HIS SUBORDINATE KOSLOW) AND NOTES THAT “THE AGE OF TITANS IS OVER.” IN THE ADAPTATION, MAGATH INSTEAD ADVOCATES FOR EATING EREN, NOTING THAT KILLING HIM WOULD ONLY PROLONG THE PROBLEM. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CHANGE? 305 Responses

A minor dialogue change didn’t seem to have much of an effect on nearly half of respondents, with 47.5% saying they’re indifferent to the change. 43.3% like the change much better, feeling that it works a lot better with future story developments and makes more sense. A handful didn’t care for the change and felt it tampered with Magath’s overall characterization. 

I think the change was logical and more consistent with the story, but I'm naturally skeptical of any AOT manga-to-anime change.

I forgot this.

It ovewrites the flaw of Magath's original plan. Even if I think its unfitting of him, it makes sense.

I'm not sure what I feel about it. Kinda like how they added Falco having a dream back in episode 1. For now, let's just see.

I suppose the new change is a little contradictory because Magath dislikes Marley’s reliance on Titan power and rather just wishes th ey had prowess in other ways. 

Realistically eating him makes more sense for them to eat Eren so they gain control of the Founder but I think Magath accepting the age of Titans is now done for is more in character.

It obviously makes more sense logistically, but I think it's important for Magath to stand opposed to Marley national policy on this front, like, symbolically.

BETWEEN UDO AND ZOFIA, WHO WOULD YOU HAVE LIKED TO SURVIVE TO RECEIVE MORE STORY IN THE MANGA? 304 Responses

Though they are minor characters, the anime seems to have made some of the fandom a bit more fond of them. Still, 38.5% wouldn’t change anything about their fates, stating that they were necessary for Gabi to develop further as a character. 28% would rather neither of them died and are curious about how they would have developed if they lived to see another day. 23.7% say if they had to pick only one of them, it would be Udo due to his relevant commentary. A handful leaned toward Zofia, wishing they could have learned more about her. 

Udo. But at the same time Isayama can barely handle all the characters that are still alive so Udo probably wouldn't get a lot of screen time anyway.

Zofia. I didn't care about her while reading the manga, but in the anime she was more unique. I liked her stoic voice a lot. Zofia and Gabi should have switch the places. 

None cus i don't like Gabi

Both or neither. One would be just a third wheel to Gabi and Falco. I would love to see more of Udo and Zofia but I think their deaths were important

Udo and zofia's deaths hurt so bad. I didn't particularly care for either of them when reading the manga but i grown attracted to them in the anime. Udo's in particular breaks me. He was such a energic kid and he... got trampled to death. I'm just...

Neither. Both were serving an enemy nation and deserved what they got.

They weren't important to me so I don't really care

OPINION ON HOW THE ATTACK ON LIBERIO WAS PORTRAYED? 306 Responses

47.1% of respondents didn’t want to pick sides, stating that the attack was tragic in both mediums of the story-telling. 25.8% felt that it was much more devastating in animated form alongside the sound, music and voice acting. 18.3% felt a bigger impact while reading the manga. 

Both versions are devastating, but Manga hit harder bc I just was so confused and couldn't stop trying to figure out wtf Eren was doing and why. Watching it knowing what I know made it somehow more devastating and yet also more palatable (bc I have a better understanding.)

It was more devastating in the manga. Especially Udo's death scene 

I think I have to wait until the battle is over. So far it's alright.

Loved it

It gave me more emotions in the manga. 

They got what they deserved

It was far more devastating in trailer 🙄

WE FINALLY HAVE A NAME FOR LADY TYBUR - LARA! THOUGHTS? 307 Responses

One of the few characters left with no name after the large guidebook released a few years ago, Lady Tybur was all we could call her (aside from fan-given names). Now she has an official name! 26.7% found it neat that we finally got this official detail. 25.4% feel that now they can finally sleep at night. 17.6% are forever grateful for the name drop and hated waiting so long for it. 15.3% don’t care at all and 11.7% feel this confirms that Isayama is a fan of Tomb Raider.

Not what I was expecting and wasn't expecting her to get a name. At least people can stop calling her Emma or those other dumbass meme names.

Cool. Next up: names for the Blouse kids, right? Right right?

I'm not kidding when I say I literally jumped up and screeched "SHE HAS A NAME!!!"

she didn't need it. she was the mysterious lady t. 

Lara was more lucky than Traute, who got more panels in the manga but her name was mentioned only in the guidebook. 

Still died

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 306 Responses

Of all the shots in the preview, 45.1% of respondents were most looking forward to Levi’s staged attack on Zeke. 17% favored seeing Mikasa assist Eren, 15% were most looking forward to seeing Falco emerge from the basement to see the carnage outside. 10.1% were stoked to see Pieck enter the battlefield. The episode has aired as of the publishing of these poll results - we hope these scenes lived up to the hype (even though we guessed one wrong lol).

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

I enjoyed the episode very much. I felt that the CGI was handled fairly well given the time restraints. However, there were a few instances where it was a bit jarring like Eren eating Willy, Eren pulling the WHT's cord, Mikasa landing on Eren, and Jean climbing up on the roof. Also some of the CGI models looked a bit weird for the scouts. I'm hoping some of these issues can be improved on in the Blue-ray version. Overall, these issues were noticeable but didn't take too much away from my enjoyment of the episode.

As much as I don't like the CGI, episode was great.

Just that it was fantastic and I can't wait for the next one!

The music is top notch. I love it. Especially the new version of XL TT near the end

After re-visiting the trailer we got for this season, it's just....saddening. Everyone was wondering how Mappa was gonna animate AoT and after seeing that trailer, all that effort by the animators, I thought "it's in good hands!". Now that we're getting the episodes and it's underwhelming. I don't blame the Mappa animators at all and cgi is unavoidable at some moments. But whoever are the higher ups who said "animate this in the shortest amount of time" ARE the assholes. It's so upsetting for this anime and the workers of it to be brought down like this :'(

Continuing to enjoy the pictures on the page come to life in the anime.

It was pretty amazing, I was waiting for so long to see this part animated! Aaand I'm so happy I got to see again the scouts! (expecially Connie, my personal fav)

Erwin should had lived instead of Armin, so Erwin can nuke Marley dropping from a blimp

I really liked it! I don't understand all the critics about the animation. It looks really neat and smooth

the SC backlit in that final scene was sickkkkk

It was different from the manga, but all the differences just improved the storytelling and fleshed out the people in Marley. Well done, MAPPA!

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I’m just grateful Mappa actually gives a shit about adapting the story properly. That alone makes this season a 9/10 for me cause that’s rare to see in the anime industry these days.

THE OST WAS FIRE

Gabi's voice acting was amazing this episode ! Also, it feels good to hear the ODM gear sound effect again. The CGI didn't keep me from enjoying the fight, we got awesome camera movements and good choreography, I'm very hopeful for next episode ! Also best boy Onyankopon might appear soon ?

I seriously do not know why people are complaining. It was amazing! Can't wait for the next episodes, it's going to be action-packed and intense!

I don't know if I liked the episode or not. I usually prefer manga so even episodes I like I prefer their manga versions but there is something in off with the episode and usually, Titans fight are more excited but this one Nah it was not at all. War hammer was great in animation it served a better understanding of its powers but the fight, in general, was like boring?? idk maybe because I am a manga reader so the titan power/character's introduction was not as thrilling as they were when I've read the chapters. anyways, there is still more of the attack on liberio in the next episode so I'll give my final thought when we conclude the arc

I really enjoyed and the CGI doesn't bother me.

I think the reason Attack Titan looks a bit off is it looks a bit thinner! Warhammer looks amazing because it's a true copy of the manga. If Attack Titan was a bit buff, I think nobody would have that much of a problem. Overall the chapter is amazing!

as much as i adored everything else i must admit... what is wrong with the character design? what happened to everyone's jaws?? i think jean, mikasa and pieck were the worst drawn. in the manga, they look flawless. 

I just hope we would get actual discussions in the sub instead of circle jerking or bitching about the cgi/ost etc.

The soundtrack was epic as hell

Mappa is doing a good job, with the little time they had. But sadly, they had the capacity to do way better and I will always regret this situation. And the Jojo memes on Mikasa are on point: in that specific panel, she looks ugly and unlike her cute face in the manga. For the rest of the episode, she's well portrayed

I think this episode is a taste of what is to come. It’s one thing to read still, silent pictures of complete devastation, and it’s another thing to hear the explosions, the screaming and crying. Seeing the blood painted red instead of black and white. When Eren rumbles the world, more people will realize how evil it is, how completely irredeemable. Less people will be #teameren once they get to see it in the anime. I can’t wait to see what MAPPA has in store.

So many nice details in the battle that weren’t there in the manga, the war hammer animation was particularly great

I feel bad complaining, but this was the first episode of the season that has disappointed me at all. Every other episode I feel has elevated the manga. I don't want (and never expected) to be that person, but the CGI, especially on the humans (WHY??) was so awkward it was distracting. We also lost a little bit of expressiveness from Eren, which is kind of a big deal when there's so little from him to begin with. 

Soundtrack was lit!!!!

It is what it is. But after I finished the episode I went back to watch the trailer and got sad that the season just isn't going to look like that. It's not bad by any means and I understand that these are people, not robots working on this with an extremely tight schedule. This entitled fanbase is super embarrassing with it's behavior and harassment of the people working on it. I kind of hope the final arc doesn't get animated now because these people don't deserve it. 

Awesome! I was a bit distracted how the pacing was, cutting a bit weirdly from one episode to another, but I really enjoyed it!

That closeup of Eren's Titan after he nom'd Willy is NUTS. 

It was emotionless and almost boring. The sound director keeps fucking up big time. I didnt feel anything close to the hype I felt watching the Armored/Colossal reveal animated. There were no exciting goosebumps, or tears. Nothing. Also the CGI was terrible. There were good things, but I expected much more for suck a climatic episode

It was a good episode after all, graphic was ok but i think that if they continued with the same titan 2d animation of first episodes and maybe changed a bit some sound it would have been waaay better. Still a good episode imho

The episode was very average. I'm not trying to complain, I know that the anime is mostly for anime-onlines, while we have a manga, but I expected better. I imagined the titan fight to be smooth, but in reality both - WHT and AT - moved like two, fat elephants. In the manga I felt that WHT was fast like a wind. In the anime Lara was slow, she looked like she had a hard time to even hold her hammer. The moment between Eren and Mikasa was disappointing. In the anime when Mikasa was upset about Eren's actions, he was completely unfeeling, while in the manga we see him being full of emotions and almost crying. I know he will turn into a cold bastard but MAPPA shouldn't dehumanize Eren so much now. I was surprised by Connie's glow up. MAPPA has done better job with him. In the manga he still looks like a kid, while MAPPA made him more mature-looking and masculine. That's good for underrated Connie. I'm grateful for the scene between Willy and his children. This way he feels more sympathetic and isn't ""just a guy who declared a war and was eaten by Eren"". 

I really like how the warriors and Marleyans seem to be getting a somewhat equal amount of screen time as the scouts have gotten after they've come into the picture. I hope this helps to make clear for the anime-onlies that understanding the experiences, emotions and the development of the other side is just as important as understanding those of the scouts/Paradis.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 279 Responses

Thank you again to everyone who participated!