#which has sounded like a completely rational thing to be aware of. a completely valid reason for not getting another dog

[varjopeura]

.

[transmalewife]

Alright, let's talk about attachment

I can’t find clear information on when exactly the non-attachment rule was added to the code. It was either soon before or soon after the great sith war. Either way, for the VAST majority of the existence of the Jedi, it wasn’t a thing. Jedi got married and had families for over 20000 years, then added the non-attachment rule, which ultimately led to their destruction. And before anyone tries to tell me I believe they deserved to be genocided, I don’t. I have never actually seen anyone say that, but I see people argue against it constantly, and imply anyone who doesn’t think the Jedi were perfect and blameless thinks that. I don’t think they deserved to die, I think they needed to change. And Yoda says that himself, many times. The Jedi weren’t prepared for the return of the sith, or the war. They had separated from the military 1000 years before, and the galaxy was in relative peace all this time, so the order’s role changed to one that worked very well with their rules. Detachment meant they could be impartial when overseeing political disagreements, lack of possessions meant they would be focused on the mission at hand and not prone to taking bribes, and distancing themselves from the general population meant they were more or less uniform, and could be trusted not to side with someone for personal reasons.

All of this falls apart once they become an army again. Impartiality is a flaw when they have to defend one side at all cost and not even allow themselves to consider compromise. Lack of possessions and attachment to people means they are prone to taking unnecessary risks, because they have nothing to lose, and do things like send 14 year olds into battle, thinking of the “greater good” over the safety of children. And the order being a monolith, with set rules and philosophy distinct from the rest of the population meant the Jedi trusted Dooku long after they should have stopped, because he used to be a Jedi after all, surely he still follows the code.

Now, I am not saying non-attachment is always bad, I think it served a very specific purpose in the order, and to some extent worked for many years. However.

Humans are a social species. Human babies NEED physical contact and affection to develop physically. Children need a stable, strong, and supportive relationship to their caregiver to properly develop psychologically. And after last year I don’t think anyone will argue that adults don't need connection with other people just as much. And not just shallow interactions, but open affection and love. Love of any kind, because claiming that the Jedi only forbid romantic love is just untrue. I think people tend to forget that "Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life. So you might say, that we are encouraged to love." isn’t the actual doctrine, it’s a literal pick up line that Anakin uses on Padme.

Ahsoka and Obi-Wan both get criticized by other Jedi for their entirely platonic attachment to Anakin, and vice versa. Now, humans are the most common species in the galaxy, and in the Jedi order. Many other species are near-human, so it’s safe to assume at least some, if not most of them also need that companionship and affection to develop and live happy and stable lives. I do believe that non-attachment is a valid philosophy and chosen path in life if done carefully and within reason, I just don’t think we have a single major character that actually applies to. And chosen is an important word here. Jedi don’t get much of a choice. I’m not trying to start the baby-stealing debate here. I hear the argument of ‘force sensitives are dangerous if left untrained, and said training should start as early as possible’. I think finding a way to deal with that problem was an insanely complicated decision, and taking children into the temple as young as possible is not a bad solution. I don’t entirely agree with not letting them see their families later, (especially since in legends Obi-Wan was allowed to visit his family, which implies Anakin couldn’t go free his mother specifically because he was already too attached), but the idea is sound. I do also understand that no one is forcing Jedi to stay in the order and they can leave for whatever reason at any time. But that isn’t exactly a free choice either. Leaving the order means leaving the only home you remember, the only people you know to make your own way in the galaxy, and staying with those people means you can never fully love them. It’s a difficult solution to a complicated question, and for the most part, it worked (not always, and not exactly as intended, but I’ll come back to that.) Children grew up in the order, were trained to control themselves and the force, and became Jedi who were impartial, patient, and balanced. But everything falls apart when you introduce someone who wasn’t raised in the temple.

In The Rising Force, 13 year old Obi-Wan had barely been off Coruscant in his life. He describes himself as sheltered and unaware of all the pain in the galaxy, and says it was done on purpose, so younglings wouldn’t have to face the dark side before they were ready for it. But Anakin had seen nothing but darkness, pain and injustice before he joined the order. He was severely traumatized, and while the temple might have had some ways of dealing with trauma and PTSD in adults, they had no experience in treating the same in a child, because their children were kept safe and protected. The idea of letting go of your pain and fear only works if you know you have a safe place to come back to, if you’ve spent the first decade or so of your life in the most protected place in the galaxy. Anakin spent the first decade of his life as a slave. He couldn’t let go of his fear, because fear was what kept him alive. Fear is not irrational if you are constantly in danger, it’s what protects you, keeps you aware of the limits you can push before you get punished. And that mindset doesn’t fade just because you’re out of that situation, especially if your only family, the closest person to you, is still facing that danger every day.

I’ve seen people use every excuse possible to explain why Anakin didn’t see his mother again to avoid blaming the council, including, and I shit you not, “He just didn’t have her comm number”. But to me that seems disingenuous, when we see in his first meeting with the council that they already consider him too attached. It's one of the main reasons they don’t want him to be trained, so it seems logical that they wouldn’t allow him to see her once he became a padawan. I also want to mention that what Yoda says, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” Is just… blatant catastrophizing. Right? Like we can all see that the escalation is not rational there at all. Maybe it could apply to something else, but not to a child who just left his mother for the first time in his life and went from a tiny dustball in the middle of nowhere to the most populated planet in the galaxy, and is now being tested by a bunch of old people with the power to decide his future. Obviously he’s afraid, and obviously he’s not dealing with it the way Jedi younglings do. That, in and of itself doesn't doom him to fall. Also what Yoda misses there is that suffering leads to fear. This is a closed loop, and one that has defined Anakin’s entire childhood.

Let’s come back to how the system doesn’t always work. The way I see it, most of the characters we see are attached. Obi-Wan is considered one of the greatest Jedi of his time. Windu describes him as “our most cunning and insightful Master—and our most tenacious”. And yet, he was not insightful enough to look past his love for Anakin, his attachment, and see how close to falling he was. Ahsoka was so attached to Anakin she refused to listen to Maul on Mandalore, refused to even consider the posibility he could fall. She was arguably the person with the best shot at preventing the empire forming at that point, and she loved anakin so much she doomed him and the entire galaxy. Aayla admitted to thinking of Quinlan as her father, and also, apparently in legends had a long relationship with Kit. Even Mace didn’t follow the code when he decided to kill Palpatine, which directly led to his death and the empire. He also indirectly caused the war to start. According to wookiepedia “Windu viewed Dooku as the shatterpoint of the entire Separatist movement, which meant striking Dooku down would theoretically end the imminent clone war before it even began. However, Windu's prior attachments to Dooku clouded his judgment.” I’m not even going to mention Kanan and Ezra, who are obviously family.

So basically everyone is attached and lying about it. How has no one thought that maybe this isn’t the healthiest way to live and tried to change the code? Well, I have a theory, and it’s Yoda. He was 900 years old when he died, and was on the council for the vast majority of his life. I can’t find when exactly he became grand master, but it’s safe to assume he held some degree of power over the entire order for most of a millennium. At the end of TPM he tells Obi-Wan “Confer on you the level of Jedi knight, the council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your padawan learner, I do not.” Then he reverses that decision by himself. So either he has the power to veto the council’s word, or who gets trained is entirely up to him. Either way, not great, considering his lifespan is so much longer than most Jedi, and therefore his approach to life is vastly different. Humans need love and closeness to live. However, while we don’t know much about Yoda’s species, it probably isn’t a social one. You could count all the characters of this species on two (human) hands, and Yoda lived in complete isolation for 20 years on Dagobah, and only went a little bit insane. They are naturally rare, and therefore probably lead solitary lives in nature. Moreover, Yoda outlived every master who trained him, and almost every padawan he trained himself, (there’s a great post about that here) so even if he wasn’t naturally predisposed to non-attachment, he would have had to learn it to deal with all the loss he had to live through over the years.

A lot of people think that Anakin fell because he had attachments, which is not true. He fell because of how his attachments played out and/or ended. The most obvious example being Palpatine, who used Anakin’s trust and friendship to groom him for over a decade and actively undermine Anakin’s trust towards anyone else, especially the order. (more on that here). Obi-Wan refused to take on the role of a father figure that Anakin tried to shove him into, so he turned to someone who did accept it. It’s not Anakin’s fault that it turned out to be the worst person alive, nor can we expect him to notice when he’s known Palpatine since he was a child. Another failure of jedi non-attachment, because a loving parent or guardian would not let their child be used as a bargaining chip when the most powerful politician in the galaxy blackmailed the order into allowing him to meet Anakin regularly, but a distant teacher and detached knight thinking of the greater good might. The other attachments Anakin had were taken from him (Shmi and Ahsoka, the last orchestrated by Palpatine who was fully ready to give her the death penalty to make Anakin more unstable), or he was forced to lie and hide them, compromising his vows as a Jedi (Padme) or refused to choose Anakin over the order/their principles (Obi-Wan, and again Ahsoka, and to some extent Padme, but he’d already fallen then). All these people had every right to make the choices they made, but it wasn’t the act of loving them that made Anakin turn to the dark side, it was how those attachments played out.

I think everyone agrees that Yoda is as detached as a Jedi should, if not can, be, and that didn’t prevent Dooku from falling. We see that explored in more detail with Barriss and Luminara. Luminara is detached and distant, she’s fond of Barriss, but their relationship is not familial in the slightest, and she repeatedly shows her willingness to put the greater good and the mission before Barriss’ safety and even life. And yet Barriss still falls. A complex combination of events and choices caused each of those characters to fall, not the simple presence or absence of attachment.

And lastly, just as attachment can make you unstable if your relationship with that person is unstable, it can also make you stronger. There is a reason Anakin and Obi-Wan were the face of the army. Not only did their obvious attachment (the strongest between two jedi we are shown) make them more relatable to the public, but they, when working as a team, are shown repeatedly to be more or less undefeatable. They spend half of aotc flinging themselves off great heights because they know the other will be there to catch them. They know from years of experience that they have backup and they know each other well enough (or force bond communicate) that they can trust the other will be where he needs to be to help/save them. Contrast that to how Windu and Palpatine fight in rots once the window breaks- very carefully, clearly holding back to keep themselves safe. Neither of them has backup until Anakin arrives, but until the last second they can't be sure which one he will choose. Anakin and Obi-Wan fight the same way on Mustafar, especially when balancing on that thin bridge. No acrobatics, swinging arms to keep balance, keeping their distance, being almost uncharacteristically careful compared to how they treated heights in aotc, in tcw, and on the invisible hand in rots, because they both know the other won't catch them if they fall this time.

[antpernas]

6/23/21 - 6/25/21

These past few days have been pretty similar since I've been keeping my routine up really well, so I'm just gonna do a brief summary

Wake up around 10 (sans the days I have my morning Physics classes), then start GORGING!!! My current breakfast is four eggs, two snack packs (those little cheese and nut things), a bowl of Greek yogurt, and a protein smoothie! After that I was the dishes and stuff, have a bowl of soup with three slices of bread, then head to the gym! Gym has been going really well, aside from the fact that I'm getting shin splints :/ Anyway, I finish at the gym, stop at Starbucks on the way to the pharmacy, usually take a medicine to deliver, then get home. After that I start my evening class (Biology lecture or lab depending on the day) and eat a shitton throughout the class (pork ramen with eggs, another protein smoothie, whatever else I feel like eating). Then after that I usually waste some time and then get ready for bed!

As for as important things that have happened, there's not much. Yesterday, a guy who hasn't responded in about two or three weeks finally messaged me back, kinda gave him a dry response and I think that bridge has officially burned itself.

Then today I got into a little debate with Libra but they took it personal and got annoyed with me :( It sucks because I already had the feeling we weren't compatible, but this just kind of confirmed it. I alluded to this in my post earlier, but the specifics of the conversation didn't help either. The double standard of him telling me to read between the lines and not take him literally (when in reality he was just making a claim I didn't agree with then introducing a completely unique claim and saying they were equivalent??) and yet simultaneously asking me to be completely literal and explicit about the fact that I'm starting a debate just.... :/

Then on top of that the way he was putting down people who do porn as if it's any less "valid" than selling your soul to capitalism any OTHER way... And then adding in a stipulation that OnlyFans isn't bad because it's solo (I'm assuming he just added that in to make it sound like he wasn't judging me, since he was aware I'd done OnlyFans, but honestly it just sounded like a cop out from what he was saying, which is that porn artists aren't doing actual work).

All of this while taking into account that he's going into the military,.,.,>??<#

Like, I really hate listing out my rationalizations when it comes to conflicts with other people because it just feels like I'm being mean or putting out personal business or finding reasons to make someone seem "in the wrong," but I just can't fathom him getting mad at ME!!! When HE was the one with a bigoted and disrespectful opinion!!! And then when I apologize for making him angry, there's not even any consideration for how I feel?! Like he didn't just shit on ME and the things I like?! It's this kind of stuff that makes me feel like I'm going CRAZY!!! As much as I don't want to keep burning bridges left and right, I don't see us getting along as friends and of course don't see a relationship forming :( We had a date planned for tomorrow (Friday) but I'm afraid of how that's going to go now... I don't know :(

Aside from that, right before the clock hit midnight I decided to withdraw from my Biology classes. The lecture was fine, but the Lab was literally just horseshit being thrown together on a whim by the professor. I can't stand the idea of not having concise and consistent direction right now, ESPECIALLY in my academics. Plus, he was a prick. He gave me a 0 for attendance as if I didn't sit through the entirety of BOTH of his four hour lectures with my camera on the WHOLE time. A fucking joke!

Biology was going towards my ENVS transfer requirements, but honestly, even if I had taken and finished it in this term, I don't think I'd have managed to complete all of the other ENVS requirements by the time I'd finished the ones for engineering. With that being said, I'm just going to focus on my ENGE track, take some of the ENVS reqs as supplementary courses while I'm finishing the ENGE stuff up, and hope I can just tack on the rest of what I need for ENVS after I transfer to FIU. If not, then c'est la vie, I'll still have my EE degree, which is ultimately what matters more! If anything, I'm just happy to not have to waste four HOURS nearly every weekday evening anymore. I can study Japanese and music again!! I'm so excited :D

Anyway, good night! Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[vantaenims]

moonlight vii. | jimin

pairing: contemporary dancer!jimin x reader

genre: college au, fluff, angst, mystery

word count: 7.4k

warning/s: self deprecation, suicide, character death (kind of), mentions of low self-esteem, and mentions of death. (I tried to not make it very triggering as much as possible but just be aware of the warnings and be cautious, read at your own risk).

summary: As if it’s calling you, you followed the sounds of the luring piano inside the auditorium but what’s more alluring is the boy dancing gracefully on the stage, enthralling everyone who dares to watch but you never knew that such ethereal beauty lies within a sense of mystery.

masterlist

all rights reserved © vantaenims - do not repost, translate, or claim as your own.

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--

Park Jimin.

Ask everyone who knows him to describe what he is like and you’ll almost get the same exact answer. Jimin is smart, perfect, kind, top of the class, best dancer in the department, and any great words you could ever muster. Also, as if those words aren’t adequate enough he’s quite branded to be the son that every parent wants, the friend everyone needs, and the student every teacher aspires to have. 

Who would know that being a perfectionist and also an achiever can get Jimin to where he is now and lead him to greater things like how he consistently managed to get good grades, good performances, be a leader of the department’s dance group, and also be the vice president of the department’s student council.

During the first term of his senior year, Jimin even managed to practice his audition piece earlier than his peers just so he could have a whole lot of time to perfect it to the point that he made sure he’ll never miss a day without practicing it.

If you looked at it, it’s almost as if Jimin has his life figured out and that is something everyone’s jealous of. How wonderful it is to know what you want something in life and to have it planned out without hesitations and doubts crossing your mind.

“I wish i could be a perfectionist just like you”

It’s what Jimin always heard from the others which made him smile at first, thinking of it as a compliment but as time goes on it begins to be unbearable to hear that particular statement because how dare they say that they want to be like him? How dare they not know that being a perfectionist comes with a curse? How dare they?

They don’t even know that being a perfectionist could also lead to a lot of self-deprecation and could lower your self-esteem because one little flaw could ruin you and because of that Jimin has developed a fear of failure which he didn’t quite take well once he was rejected by his first choice dance company.

All along, Jimin believed he had what it takes to be great out there after college with all of these achievements and awards he so worked hard for that it’ll be no doubt can back him up and make stand out like the others.

It led him to question himself if all of those achievements were just done out of vain and purely out of gratification and validation so he could boost his ego and self-esteem that’s deflating to begin with but isn’t that the purpose why he’s a perfectionist and an achiever? So he could redeem what’s left in him.

Jimin never knew when he actually started to look down on himself more but he figured out that he’s always been like this, it’s just that it has taken quite a notch for it to affect him mentally and emotionally. His mind has now always been filled with doubts he created himself and no matter how hard he tries to stray away those thoughts, he can’t help but sometimes drown on it.

“It doesn’t hurt to stand up and try again, would you?” Taehyung said to Jimin as he rubbed his friends back as a way to comfort him. 

“I don’t know, maybe I'm not good after all” Jimin wiped the tears on the corner of his eyes as he heard Taehyung scoff at what he said, arms going around his shoulders.

“You’re top of the class for a reason, you know that” Taehyung praised him, mentioning every single one that could eventually brighten Jimin’s spirits up until Taehyung felt relieved upon seeing Jimin’s smile on his face.

“Success is sweeter when the odds are against you, Jimin.”

Jimin is glad that he has Taehyung to keep him steady when times like this happen to him. Truth be told, he’s never really opened his true self to anyone but Taehyung though of course he has set to filter and limit himself because there are just things that are better hidden. Taehyung has his problems too and Jimin doesn’t want to pass his burden to someone, thinking he can handle it by himself.

To everyone, Jimin’s the kind of person who’s all smiles, sunshies, and butterflies. He likes to believe that’s what he likes everyone to perceive him as and not this completely opposite side of him which he’s so good at hiding it, so good at keeping it all to himself, and in fact, he’s so good that no one ever saw what’s about to come.

Jogging towards the university and up to the sixth floor of the Fine Arts Building, Jimin found himself quite breathless as he opened the door of the auditorium. It’s the weekend and he’s supposed to be just resting in his dorm but his frustration is too much to bear that he felt the need to practice again. Thankfully, the auditorium is still open at this hour considering that it’s open hours is the same with the school’s.

The reason why he rushed to the auditorium is because he received an email from the dance company he applied for after he was convinced by Taehyung but it looks like he failed again once he read the letter that he is once again rejected.

Playing Clair de Lune, Jimin then proceeds to dance away his doubts and thoughts he knows for sure that he it’s slowly starting to consume his mind by the second. His movements are much more intense rather than being swift and smooth that he didn’t notice that he has landed on his knees after he took a pirouette.

Jimin remained on his knees, hands on the floor as he blatantly stared down at the floor whilst catching his breath. His doubts now fully encapsulated him that it managed to make him feel overwhelmed, resulting in him launching his fists on the floor repeatedly as hard as he could. 

Numb and void of pain is what Jimin felt as he stared at his now bloodied knuckles, tears jerking in as he roughly put both of his hands to his hair as if it’ll make his self-deprecating thoughts go away but he can’t help but drown from it, breaking down from all of it.

This might go bad is what Jimin thought, he knows that it’s too overwhelming and he fears that he might do something he’ll regret soon that’s why he managed to get his phone and scroll through his contacts until he pressed on the sight of his best friend’s name - Taehyung.

Jimin never decides to call Taehyung whenever he’s a breaking down mess like this but more of rather when he’s calm and collected. He just needed to hear some sense of comfort right now just so he could be distracted and Taehyung’s the only person that could knock some sense into him.

All of his calls went straight to voicemail, making him drop his phone to the floor as he laid down, staring right ahead the ceiling of the stage as he continued to cry until he felt his head going numb and he started seeing visions of white dots in front of him, causing him to close his eyes.

He woke up in the same position before he passed out, possibly from the physical exhaustion and also worn out from breaking down. He felt much calmer now that he doesn’t have to catch his breath but he knows that this is just the calm before the storm.

Anxiety ran through his veins as he made his way down to stage, walking down the aisle towards the door until he stopped in the middle, head turning back to the stage where a single spotlight can be seen as if it’s calling him back but what can he do when he had gave up and decided to head towards the door instead?

The campus is almost empty by now as he observed the view from the balcony, hands tightly gripping the railing as he emit a shaky breath for what he’s about to do and next thing he knows, he can feel the cold gust of wind coursing through his body as he finally sat down on the railing.

A single tear has managed to escape because a few seconds from now he’ll be free from all of this and finally find some peace of mind permanently. 

At this moment, his mind is wiped from any rationality but was instead flooded with impulsiveness, never once cared or thought about the consequences it might lead to, just the pure thought of ending it was what’s more important.

A single tear has managed to escape just before he meets his end, eyes looking towards the beautiful moon that’s so brightly lit tonight that it gives him a sense of peace.

The melancholy moonlight, sweet and lone.

--

Blinding Lights.

Jimin brought up his hands to cover his eyes from the white blinding light that shone right in front of his eyes, thinking if the place for the dead is supposedly this bright but then he could clearly hear Clair de Lune playing.

Propping himself up, Jimin discovered that the blinding light he’s referring to a while ago is coming from the spotlight inside the auditorium and he’s beyond clueless as to why he’s back in this place when the last thing he remembered is that he ended his life right then and there at the balcony, so how could he be here?

Did he just dreamt all of that right after he passed out? But how could he feel and remember the impact when he crashed on the ground? It doesn’t make sense.

Cluelessly, Jimin stood up as he went down the stage, going towards the door to go back to his dorm after he felt the whole situation was completely bizarre but then the door wouldn’t budge, opting to go to the entrance door instead but it also wouldn’t open. He looked at the clock to see that it’s fifteen minutes until the campus will be closing.

Jimin then ran up towards the stage to try if the backstage door could open but luck must not be at his side for tonight as it wouldn’t open either. As he went back in front of the stage, he felt relieved upon seeing the janitor inside, mopping the floor.

“Thank god, i thought i was trapped in here” Jimin chuckled, scratching his head as he searched over the stage where his phone could be.

“Excuse me, have you seen my phone here? I left it on the floor of the stage” Jimin then looked at the Janitor who’s still mopping the floor.

Sighing, Jimin then went closer towards the janitor just in case he can’t hear him enough but then as he continued to speak it seems like the janitor still couldn’t hear him or perhaps is the janitor just ignoring him?

“Hello, excuse me-” Jimin was cut off, startled at how the door opened so swiftly, a man rushing in who he knows to be the security guard of the building. He was frantically telling the janitor the exact same thing of what happened to him, how a witness saw someone falling off the sixth floor.

“When did this happen?”

“Just a few minutes ago, did you see him before it happened?”

“I just got here, Is he still alive?”

The security guard managed to shake his head no, saying how he already reported the incident to the authorities and such. The janitor then abandoned his cleaning cart as he went outside to follow the guard and see the scene for himself.

Jimin was about to follow the two men until the door prevented him from going outside, he tried to pry it open but it still won’t budge thus the reason why he went to one of the windows but it won’t let him open it too.

Having heard the conversation, he sat down on one of the chairs, resting from running around the auditorium just to find an exit point. It doesn’t quite sit well with him because he felt like the ‘young kid’ that the two men are talking about points out to be him but what’s bothering him more is the fact that those men are completely unaware that he’s standing just beside them.

It doesn’t quite sit well with him how the two men must be talking about him. Peering down at his chest, Jimin slowly lifted his hand to put it on top of his chest where his heart is supposed to be and he can’t feel or hear a heartbeat coming from him, not even a single one.

Am I a ghost?

--

Jimin has come to know so far that he’s trapped inside the auditorium and how does he know? Well, it’s because he’s been trying to escape this place for about three months now he believes and he has finally given up. Perhaps he just accepted the fact that he’s a ghost who’ll be haunting the auditorium from now on.

Also, there are other things he has learned as a ghost like how he only appears every night right after the sunset and disappears before sunrise or how Clair de Lune is being played repeatedly whenever he appears as if it’s mocking him.

But he’s still unaware why he’s stuck in this place though he might’ve thought it’s because it’s the last place he had been before he died and he’s now tied to the place as a punishment for what he did. Jimin finds it funny how he thought he could escape and be free after all of it but here he is now - stuck and completely helpless.

As if being stuck here isn’t grave enough, Jimin only gets to go outside of the auditorium once a month and that is every 26th day of the month which is the day he died. 

It’s nothing special, Jimin just goes out to repeat the same process and steps of how he died as if he’s possessed to do so because he can never refrain or control his actions every time that day comes though he would still find himself inside the auditorium every 27th as if nothing happened.

He’s done with all of his frustrations about this place since it’ll lead him to nowhere anyway so might as well do something that’s bearable while he’s stuck here for god knows what and accept that this is how he’s going to ‘live’ now - dance for twenty nine days and die for a day, every. single. month.

“Can’t we just go here tomorrow morning?” 

Jimin stopped himself from dancing once he spotted two boys entering the auditorium, quite startled that the boy directly looked at him or should he say, looked directly through him. Jimin stood there idly not knowing if he should hide although he knows that the boys can’t see him,  still not used to the fact that he’s a ghost.

It has been also three months since he has seen another person and that is the time when the security guard barged inside the auditorium to call the janitor’s attention which is also the day he died. 

“Why are you even scared?” The boy chuckled as he continued to walk along the aisle courageously more than his friend who’s a bit skeptical and hiding behind the shadow of his friend as he followed en suite.

“I heard something bad happened in this place, that’s why it’s been closed for three months” the courageous boy scoffed but looked behind his friend to go on anyway, “A student jumped to his death outside the auditorium but I think it’s just a rumor going around.”

“Yeah, I heard that, I think it’s just a rumor though. The school newspaper didn’t publish anything about it so it’s not real” The boy then went up towards the stage where Jimin is standing, watching the boy as he gathered some cords whilst his scared friend managed to wait for him at the stairs.

“The auditorium closed for three months, I don’t think it’s a rumor”

“Didn’t they say it was being renovated?”

The boy looked around to inspect the place and found nothing new, “Well, it didn’t look like something changed”

“It’s probably just one of those ghost stories, okay? Just quit it and help me carry these” the boy then went up the stage, helping his friend to carry the cords as they went down and finally exit the auditorium.

Jimin sat down on the floor, baffled about this new piece of information. Well, that answers his question of why no one was coming here because the university decided to close it, probably to keep it away from the students that something malicious happened here which the university managed to keep it hidden for the sake of maintaining the university’s holistic image. 

But who would want to hear that one of the leading students under the Performing Arts Department died in such a way, it’s not like he died as a hero after all. Scoffing, Jimin finds it absurd how he’s now a baseless rumor going around; perhaps he’s now a character of one of those infamous ghost stories in this building.

--

The red string bracelet on his wrist came into view when he covered his eyes from the blinding light of the spotlight. Jimin clearly remembers the day he got it on Chinese New Year with Taehyung at that small night market along the road near the university.

“That’s for soulmates dear, it brings good feng shui” the old woman said as Taehyung eyed the red string bracelet, turning excitedly to Jimin as he proposed the idea of having it as their matching bracelets.

“It’s good for attracting love or your soulmate” she said to Jimin but then she pointed towards Taehyung, “But if you find one, it’ll find a way to always connect you two.”

Jimin’s still hesitant, wondering if this is her ploy of convincing the both of them to buy the bracelet because it surely is working on Taehyung who intently persists him to get it with him, nodding to eventually gave in even though he’s not one to believe in those kind of things. 

“Souls are meant to be intertwined,

For one who bears the string of fate.

Loosen the ties and shall unbind,

Detach them to what they create.”

The old woman said as she placed both of their bracelets inside a singing bowl as she chanted whilst circling a wooden mallet around its edges, striking it against the bowl once she finished saying her incantation or whatever it is.

“That’ll be ₩7,500 each, a total of ₩15,000” Taehyung handed the old woman the money before Jimin could complain on how it’s clearly overpriced for a simple red thread bracelet and a ploy like he suspected earlier.

“We could’ve bought ourselves a good meal with that money” Jimin exclaimed, shoving his friend’s shoulder for falling for it but Taehyung just smiled at him as he placed the bracelet into Jimin’s palm.

“Well you heard her right? It’ll always connect us” 

“It’s a ploy, Taehyung” Jimin sighed but lightly chuckled at how innocent Taehyung sounds.

“It doesn’t hurt to believe it, right?” Taehyung shrugged as he tightened the knot of his bracelet around his wrist.

“Bet your wallet is hurting now”

Smiling, Jimin then gets up from his lying position as he can’t help but wonder how Taehyung’s doing right now. Times like this makes him miss his dear friend or how it sometimes pains him that he never had the chance to say goodbye to Taehyung as he only clings to the last memory he had with him and that is when they were walking down the stairs after their classes - a not so special memory but who would knew it’ll be the last.

Jimin continued to do his dance routine until he was interrupted by the sounds of the door closing, he looked over at the figure by the door thinking it might be the janitor but it’s still too early for him to clean. Jimin patiently waited for the boy to turn around since he’s been staring at his back for a minute now only for his breath to catch on his throat once he saw him.

Taehyung.

A surge of overwhelming happiness suddenly came crashing inside of him, specially if it has been seven months since he last saw someone that’s familiar to him. Jimin situated himself on the ledge of the stage, watching Taehyung who had his head down whilst walking towards the stage, only for him to peer up with tears in his eyes as he got in front of the stage.

In actuality, It was hard for Taehyung to go to the place where Jimin was last seen before he chose to end his life because he can’t help but feel guilty. Guilty for not answering his calls the night of the incident because he was asleep and his phone was on silent mode hence the reason why he wasn’t answering his calls. 

Taehyung was heartbroken upon hearing the news, thinking how he could have prevented Jimin from doing it if he would’ve answered the call and he felt partially responsible for his death. He failed as a friend for Jimin, he failed him for being completely unaware that Jimin would consider something like this and that made him feel helpless.

After the funeral, Taehyung tried as much as possible to not remember Jimin, feeling like he didn't even deserve to remember him in the first place that he even swore to himself that he’s never going to eat their favorite egg sandwich down by the convenience store, even removing the matching red threaded bracelet they got, or anything that points out to Jimin.

It was hard the first time to try to wipe the memory of your best friend off of your mind but as time goes by it naturally became bearable but of course, there are times when Jimin would still pop in his mind because as much as he wants to erase him, Jimin will always live in his mind and Taehyung’s starting to be okay with it.

Jimin may be gone but the memories i have of him will always be alive, no matter what.

“We’re…I’m going to graduate next week” Taehyung whispered. 

It took a massive amount of courage for him to go inside the auditorium but he’ll be out of here starting next week and he thinks it’d be better to face his guilt before he goes and return to his hometown to leave everything behind.

Jimin has now made his way down the stage to stand beside Taehyung who’s still peering up at the stage. Jimin smiled as he sadly remembered how this moment seems familiar because Taehyung would then visit him spontaneously here to watch him practice and to spend some time with him as well.

Jimin can see how Taehyung’s trying so hard not to cry with how he’s biting his trembling lip and how glassy his eyes look until he finally gave in to sob uncontrollably

“I’m so sorry, Jimin”, Taehyung said, feeling the guilt that has been eating him once again, body weakening ever so slowly as he kneeled on the ground with his hands on his face as memories of Jimin he’s been trying to suppress came to flood his mind.

It was baffling to Jimin why Taehyung was apologizing repeatedly but came to realize it when he heard him mumbling ‘should’ve answered’ that he guessed that it must be his unanswered calls that made Taehyung thought of blaming himself for his death when he shouldn’t have thought of that.

Jimin kneeled down in front of Taehyung, wishing he could see and hear him, “It was never your fault, Taehyung.” 

Jimin tried to lift his friend’s hand to pry it away from his face, realizing that it’d be pretty useless since he can’t do so, noticing in the process that Taehyung’s not wearing the matching bracelet they got.

Helpless is what he is as he watched the mess unfold in front of him, tears eventually streamed down on his face upon seeing Taehyung like this and for once, Jimin felt guilty for what he did because he never wished for anyone to suffer like this or carry guilt for something they shouldn’t be guilty at all.

At that time, Jimin was devoured by his inner demons and he wasn’t thinking that his death will cause pain to others because all he cared about is being free of his own misery, thinking that the world is better without him in it.

What can he do when what’s done is already done or perhaps what’s gone is already gone?

Eventually, Taehyung calmed down as he stood up but not quite made a move to go yet, probably because of how numb his legs felt after kneeling for a while. Jimin, who’s been beside him all this time, watches as Taehyung turns around to walk back towards the doors.

“It was never your fault, Taehyung. You should forgive yourself” 

Jimin was surprised to see that Taehyung stopped and turned his head to look towards the stage with a weak smile on his face as if he heard what Jimin told him. For a moment, he thought he was finally visible until Taehyung managed to leave after spectating the place one last time and Jimin’s pulled back in reality - of course, he’s a ghost and no one can see him.

Climbing up the stairs of the stage, Jimin laid down on the floor, staring at the ceiling as his mind went back to Taehyung who profusely cried a while ago which made him close his eyes, suddenly not feeling the mood to dance anymore as thoughts of how Taehyung blamed himself filled his mind thus the start of how he drowned himself in guilt.

--

“I think you’ve put too much bleach in that water”, Jimin said to the janitor who’s completely oblivious to the ghost in front of him as he continues to mop the floor.

Being alone in the auditorium during the night has been quite lonely for Jimin, that’s why he managed to make a habit of having a conversation with his only companion ever since he was stuck in here and that is the janitor.

“Shouldn’t you scold me?” Jimin laughed, looking down at his feet, “I’ve been stepping on the freshly mopped floor.”

The janitor then went back to his cleaning cart to arrange his supplies right before he got out of the place, locking it in thus leaving Jimin alone once again. 

“Goodbye!” Jimin cheerfully said, walking back towards the stage where he sat on the ledge to look at the digital clock. It’s October which means that his death anniversary is around the corner and he’s still stuck in this place with no knowledge if he’ll be able to cross over or if he’s going to be here permanently.

Sighing, Jimin laid his back on the floor, thinking for how long is he going to bear this dreadful punishment of his, for how long is he going to be stuck in the middle, and for how long is he going to finally find some peace. Soon after, Jimin found himself lulled to sleep.

‘Souls are meant to be intertwined…,

 Loosen the ties and shall unbind.’

Jimin woke up and pondered over the words he kept on hearing on his dream last night, clueless to what that even meant although it sounded strangely familiar to him but he can’t recall where he heard it from, shrugging it off as he started to dance.

As he finished his dance, his eyes landed over a girl who’s standing at the back near the door, looking away immediately since she’s probably just one of those people who needs to get something in the auditorium although it quite bothered him how it looks like you’re staring directly at him even though he knows you’re just looking past through him like everyone who’ve went inside.

But then you started talking, perhaps even asking a question and Jimin was unsure whether that question was directed at him as he turned to look sideways to see if you were talking to someone, only for you to talk again to debunk him.

“I’m talking to you” Jimin looked at you suspiciously, wondering how on earth could you see him when other people can’t.

“Uh no”

“But who’s operating the sound system?”, that further piqued Jimin’s curiosity at you because you can see him but you can also clearly hear Clair de Lune.

Who are you?

“I-I do” Jimin stuttered since it has been so long ever since he interacted with someone that’s actually aware of his presence but it looks like you got weirded out at him as he watched you walk backwards awkwardly to the door even though he would like for you to stay just so you could answer his questions but he’ll just make a fool out of himself.

Since you saw him, you must have thought that he’s alive and not a ghost who’s been stuck here for over almost a year and that bewildered him. Jimin cannot comprehend the reason why you were able to see him or even exchange a few words with him. 

“You’re here” 

Jimin was elated to see you again the next day, possibly too excited at the idea of having a real conversation with someone again but how could you blame him when he was completely by himself for a year. 

“I could see you from here you know” Jimin looked up to smile at how you tried so hard to be subtle even though he noticed your presence the moment you entered and he took this chance to ask one of his questions he’s been wanting to ask you ever since yesterday, just to confirm if it’s real.

“Can you see me?” Jimin asked you with total curiosity but you seemed confused, probably thinking how strange that question must be so he steered it to be something about the view at the back. 

Jimin was right once he heard you told him that the reason you went here is because you need something and since you’re aware of him now, he grabbed the opportunity to befriend you. It’ll be pretty harmless since he just wants someone to talk to but he can never let you know that he’s not what you think he is, fear that you might scram away from him perhaps leaving him to deal with himself again.

“Don’t tell them”, Jimin said to save you from trouble that you went inside after it’s closing hours. Last semester, he heard the janitor instructing the new janitor to always make sure to lock the doors by 6 P.M. saying that the practice hours changed to morning instead of evening, probably to monitor the students and prevent such incidents like his.

Despite the new rule, you’ve managed to get in and he figured out that the new janitor must’ve forgotten to lock it or probably too lazy to even do so since he probably doesn't want to bother unlocking it again to clean the area then lock it again after school hours.

Jimin came to know that you’re majoring in Literature therefore concluding that you must’ve not known what happened here last year or rather the rumor going around about him considering you’re a freshman and not from this building and that made him feel at ease.

Jimin wouldn’t expect for you to come the next day – his birthday. You had offered to give him a mango juice as a gift, he was grateful and would accept it if it’s not for his circumstance. Truth be told, he had never eaten ever since he got here and he doesn’t know if the juice will ever just splatter to the ground if he decides to drink or eat it like what those movies show, so he excused that he’s on a diet to possibly save you the horror.

Soon after, it had become a regular thing for you to drop by the auditorium for a few minutes though there are times you chose not to go, scaring him that you might not come back again since he began to grew fond of you that is why he made it a habit to ask you ‘See you tomorrow’ every time you go just for an assurance. 

Jimin was glad he prepared some answers for questions you might throw at him, for example his clothes that you noticed he wears repeatedly. It was one of the things he found to be true regarding the stereotypes around ghosts – they’re stuck with the last pair of clothes they’ve worn.

Also, he had discovered that he can consume food without it falling on the floor. He took a bite of the half egg sandwich you left for him in the seat and saw that nothing happened though he somewhat doesn’t feel hungry or full at all that is why he tried to ask for some water from you that one time just to make it look like he’s tired.

He’s also aware that there are some things he’s not prepared to answer like when you asked him if he has experienced this ‘first death’ - he would actually tell you but it’s risky to answer as it’ll reveal his true nature and he’s glad you’re not trying to push him.

“Where did you get that?” Jimin asked, still looking at your red thread bracelet that is exactly similar to his and Taehyung’s matching bracelet, leaving him to think about Taehyung again for the rest of the night. 

He can’t help but wonder what Taehyung’s doing today that it has now been a year since his death. Jimin just hopes that his friend managed to live a good life and that he wishes that Taehyung wouldn’t blame himself anymore for his death just so they could finally have a sense of peace of mind for the both of them. But then his guilt towards Taehyung was triggered after he heard your presentation for Clair de Lune.

“It’s a really good poem” you said, “You know how we see our loneliness as some sort of an enemy that we should get rid of but the best way to cope around it is by accepting it and see how you could be better”

You said it so wisely and with that it rang something in him. Jimin had become a slave of his own weakness that catapulted him to his own demise and rather than accepting it like you said he got rid of it and here he is now, carrying his punishment and his friend’s guilt along with him. It was the red thread bracelet at first and then came along this poetry. He can’t decipher why it keeps on coming back at him as if the thought of Taehyung alone isn’t haunting him enough.

‘Souls are meant to be intertwined…,

 Loosen the ties and shall unbind.’

Jimin dreamt these phrases once again, probably more than once since he has it memorized by now with the amount of times he constantly hears it in his dreams. Analyzing it by himself is no use since he can’t come up a proper meaning behind it, that’s why he can’t wait for Monday to come so that he can ask you about it.

“Souls means a person right? So two persons become one since they’re intertwined and once the ties are cut between them they’ll be independent of each other?” you said but then he still doesn’t quite get it still. 

Is his soul intertwined with someone? Are soul mates even a real thing? 

Because as far as he knows, Taehyung claims they’re soul mates – not in a literal sense – it’s because they understand each other better than any other one. The last encounter he had with Taehyung and him leaving university are considered as ‘cutting ties’ isn’t it?

“What is love to you, Jimin?” 

Jimin looked down at you, setting aside his thoughts about those phrases he kept dreaming about but instead focusing on you who seems to be busy twirling his pendant necklace around your fingers and he’s surprised you’re staring at him longer than usual with how shy you are.

“Love?” 

“Yes, Love?” Jimin shyly smiled, eyes turning into crescents as he now laid back on the floor just like you. 

“’Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it”

Jimin knows that one way or another, whatever this thing between you two will be gone with the wind. Whether with him crossing over or with you graduating in the coming years, it’s inevitable for the both of you to separate ways but Jimin doesn’t think too much about it for now, managing to cherish this moment instead.

But no matter how much he’ll try to avoid reality, it is what it is, you’re both in two different worlds that aren't supposed to meet and clash together.

“Don’t bother coming here tomorrow” 

It came out harsher than he thought but now that he knows that you can see him, he began to be more cautious since the 26th is coming and it also happens to be the anniversary of his death which means he’ll find himself again in a loop of what happened to that day and that’s one thing he wouldn’t like for you to witness thus the reason he lied, saying it’s his audition tomorrow.

In fact, he even acted cold towards you just to add into the effect. He’ll just explain on the day after tomorrow that he’s just nervous or in a bad mood to make up for his sour attitude, judging by the long amount of silence between you, he knew that it worked ticking you off and it’ll be enough for you to not meet him tomorrow – possibly.

“Who’s your roommate by the way?” Jimin asked just because he felt bad for acting this way towards you after he saw how pissed you look.

“Jungkook” you plainly answered him.

It had quite taken him a back to hear a familiar name. How could he miss it when Taehyung would always talk about his roommate to him that he even knows the minor details about that kid. Jimin thinks that he might’ve met him once or twice when he went to Taehyung’s dorm but he was surprised for another reason.

Your roommate is Jungkook and you’re wearing a similar red thread bracelet with his which he remembered you saying that you found it in your room and that it belongs to your roommate’s former roommate, which points out that Taehyung is indeed the owner and if he remembers clearly, Taehyung’s not wearing it when he happened to visit the auditorium that day perhaps does it mean that he stopped wearing it and left It behind?

--

It’s the 26th and as usual his mind is blank and void of rationality. It has always been unbearable to be stuck in a loop that you cannot control but Jimin’s much more frustrated than any other 26th day because it’s been a year and he’s still here, such a misery that he never escaped it at all.

All of his frustrations spilled right on upon hearing you call his name. What are you even doing here when he told you not to come but here you are, slowly approaching him and Jimin knows that he must make you leave by all means before you witness him doing the act.

“Didn’t I tell you not to come here?” Jimin ran his fingers through his hair as if he’s frustrated as well with you, “Please, just go.”

“Why are you being like this?” 

“Just leave, Y/N” he mumbled, glaring at you for being so stubborn at a time like this.

“Stop pushing me away and tell me what’s wrong”

“Eveything is fucking wrong, Y/N!” Jimin shouted, losing control of himself and with the mindset he has now, he knows it’s not going to go well for the both of you.

“If I tell you, will I be able to correct my wrongs? Will everything go back to the way it was!?” he said, trudging at you, ignoring how you frightenedly back away from him.  

“What am I supposed to do to stop this!?” he asked as if you know the answer to how he can stop the loop or to finally stop existing all in all. In actuality, he’s 

“Jimin, I don’t understand” you whispered in fear.

“Exactly! No one does and no one will understand” 

“You’ll never understand that I’m-” Jimin was suddenly pulled back into reality like he was splashed with a bucket of cold water when he saw a tear manage to escape your eyes. He was so out of touch with what's happening, not noticing that he had you cornered.

Sitting down, Jimin can’t believe he was about to tell you that he’s in fact dead and it’s the last thing he wants for you to know to spare you from getting frightened but that doesn’t matter now as you’re clearly frightened more than ever with him without him declaring that.

“You should not be here Y/N” he mumbled, “Please leave.” 

Once Jimin heard the door shut, he looked at it and then around the auditorium to inspect if you’ve really left. If it was another day, he would’ve apologized but not today because in a few minutes he’ll be going out of this place and straight towards the balcony to do it over again.

--

Jimin sat on the ledge as he watched the door as if it would make you suddenly appear by staring on it intently, hoping you could forgive him for what happened yesterday. It was shitty of him to throw all of his frustrations towards you and you do not even deserve it thus he now carries a new guilt in him – you.

Upon hearing the doors open, he whipped his head around expecting it to be you but it was just the janitor, looking at the clock he then saw that the campus will be closing soon. How foolish of him to think you’ll come back but he clinged at the tiny tinge of hope within that you’ll be coming today to see him despite yesterday’s happenings but you never came. 

He’s alone once again.

Jimin has grown tired waiting for answers and he surely is going to stop overanalyzing that poem he kept dreaming about that he believed will help him. It’s plain and simple, he’s tied here forever and it is what it is.

Defeated, he laid himself down on the stage as he looked up, eyes switching between the ceiling and the spotlight until he closed his eyes, humming along to the sounds of Clair de Lune as he just waited for himself to disappear, accepting the consequence that he’ll be permanently here and all that he could do is to just let it be, he deserves it anyway.

‘Souls are meant to be intertwined,

For one who bears the string of fate.

Loosen the ties and shall unbind,

Detach them to what they create.’

Jimin suddenly sat up as soon as he woke up, frantically trying to find a piece of paper and pen but there was none to his avail. Standing up, he walked back and forth while he repeated the lines for him to remember.

It’s a new piece of information and suddenly it appeared right after he had given up. He doesn’t even know what it means yet but it tells him that it’ll be the key to his answer and he needs to solve it, he’s been waiting for it for so long and here it is.

After thinking of it too much, he plopped down on one of the chairs and possibly considered giving up again. He racked his mind but nothing came out that could possibly be the answer because you see poems are filled with metaphors and Jimin sucked at it.

You were right, the poem is indeed incomplete and you’re the only one who could help him understand it but timing is a hell of a thing because you sure were gone from his life now and he has no choice but to connect the pieces by himself but there is one thing he certainly knows.

You’re the key to his answer.

--

<prev     next>

A/N: I didn’t mean for this chapter to be this long  💀 but anyway, hope it answered some of your questions but if not, feel free to ask!

Well, the next chapter’s going to be the finale!

--

tag list: @world-moon @krystle1990​

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Next is the limbic system, also called the paleomammalian complex; the mammalian brain; or the midbrain. This part of the brain is unique to mammals. According to MacLean (1990), the limbic system of this mammalian brain is the center of emotion and learning. It developed very early in mammalian evolution to regulate the motivations and emotions that we now associate with feeding, reproduction, and attachment behaviors. In MacLean's explanation, the limbic system evaluates everything as either agreeable (pleasure) or disagreeable (pain/distress). Survival is predicated on the avoidance of pain and the repetition of pleasure.

The limbic brain contains the amygdala and hypothalamus. This part of the brain does not register concepts of time, nor does it apply logic. As Dr. Earl Grey (2010), author of the very user-friendly guide Unify Your Mind: Connecting the Feelers, Thinkers, and Doers of Your Brain explains, the amygdala is a filter. Metaphorically, it is like a security checkpoint at the airport. The amygdala scans for any threat or danger. If the amygdala identifies the data as safe and non-threatening, it authorizes admittance to the neocortex. It is then integrated into other existing data acquired over the years. In essence, the information integrates into our existing experience without fallout. As we will discuss in the next chapter on treatment, early intervention soon after a threat or danger is signaled, facilitates this process of integration. Intervention can be as simple as validation of a traumatizing experience, and the comfort of social support.

So, what happens when the amygdala signals danger? Other parts of the brain become activated; specifically the thalamus which is also in the limbic brain. This activation can incite one of three alarm responses, driven by the lower reptilian brain: 1) the fight response, 2) the flight response, or the 3) freeze response. When these alarm responses are activated, the body will protectively and automatically respond according to the instructions of the brain. Even after the danger has passed, the thalamus remains on high alert, activating the same responses if anything reminiscent of the original danger passes through again. This makes perfect sense from a survival perspective. In the wild, predators often return with reinforcements!

The limbic/mammalian brain does not have any concept of time. Past, present, and future are all one and the same. This might explain why your dog (a mammal) may greet you as though you've been gone for 30 years, instead of 30 minutes. This phenomenon also helps to explain why traumatized people can seem stuck in the past. For them, something that happened 50 years ago feels as though it is happening right now. To the mammalian brain, where these crossed wires and balls of tangle are housed, 50 years ago is today. When we talk about traumatized people being "stuck," it's as though wires got all tangled up and stuck in the limbic brain. Getting stuck in the limbic brain is problematic because material was never meant to be stored here long-term.

A student of mine, herself a trauma survivor, once shared with me: "This part of the brain was designed to keep us safe from saber-toothed tigers … but it wasn't designed to keep us safe from saber-toothed tigers every day." When the protective capacities of the brain are overburdened, the brain's natural functions described in this section must work longer and harder than were ever intended to do for survival purposes. Because we were not designed to sustain this degree of heightened response, we develop the symptoms we associate with traumatic stress.

There is a fantastic clip from a CBS news story in which world-renowned psychiatrist Daniel Amen, MD is speaking with a survivor of complex trauma shortly after he completes a brain scan. The patient is young man who grew up in an alcoholic home; a veteran of the first Gulf War; and recent survivor of a severe accident. Dr. Amen explained to the young man, "Your brain's working too hard." That statement resonated with me because the simple and elegant explanation beautifully captures how the brain (particularly the limbic brain) is affected by unresolved trauma.

Trauma and the Cerebral Cortex

The neocortex is responsible for things that make us distinctly human: logic; reasoning skills; higher-order thinking skills such as analysis and problem-solving; speech and verbal understanding; meaning-making; willpower; and, wisdom.

The goal of successful trauma processing is to move, or to connect, the emotionally charged material out of the limbic brain, into the neocortex, the part of the brain that is more efficient in its long-term storage capacities. Metaphorically speaking, trauma processing allows the lines of communication between the two brains to become more open so that these shifts in storage can occur. However, until that occurs, the neocortex is of little help for trauma resolution and healing. To illustrate this concept, try to recall a time when you attempted to reason with someone in crisis. It probably didn't go very well. Or, have you ever tried to think logically and rationally when your body is crying out from the exhaustion of chronic stress? Because unhealed trauma hasn't reached the cerebral cortex, it means it may be unresponsive to cognitive-rational approaches to healing.

Cognitive therapy (also called cognitive behavioral therapy) often encourages people to leave the past in the past, and instead focus on the present or the here-and-now. While these sorts of interventions are helpful for some things, they are not particularly helpful for trauma integration. Cognitive therapies or any reason-based interventions primarily target the prefrontal regions of the brain (logic, reason, and time awareness). However, it was the limbic region of the brain that was activated during the original trauma to help the person survive (through flight, fight, or freeze). During traumatic experiences, when the limbic brain is activated, the prefrontal lobes go offline. This makes perfect sense from a survival perspective. You can't reason your way out of tiger attack. For a person in crisis or intense emotional distress, whether in real time or in response to triggers from earlier, unprocessed experiences, no amount of reasoning will help.

So why would any of us attempt to appeal to a part of the brain that isn't really "on?" For optimal healing to occur, all three brains must be able to work together. Neurologically, unprocessed trauma creates disconnection in the brain. If this sounds alarming complex, don't panic. You will not need a team of experts to devise ways for the three brains to work together. Pause here and take a nice deep breath. Great! All three brains worked together during that slow deep breath. Deep breathing might be considered a whole brain intervention. Breath originates in that primitive reptilian region of the brain. Likewise, any movement-based or body-based intervention automatically works within the limbic and reptilian brains.

[Body-based interventions can involve deep breathing, techniques to engage the parsympathetic nervous system, yoga, EMDR, massage, and mindfulness that recognizes how you are feeling your emotions in your body.]

[genkei-hatagami]

I was bored so I did the personality test thing Utsumi posted.

Type: Executive (ESTJ-A)     

Traits

Extraverted  -  65 %

Observant  -  63 %

Thinking  -  72 %

Judging  -  88 %

Assertive  -  60 %

Role - Sentinel

Strategy - People Mastery.

Executives are representatives of tradition and order, utilizing their understanding of what is right, wrong and socially acceptable to bring families and communities together. Embracing the values of honesty, dedication and dignity, people with the Executive personality type are valued for their clear advice and guidance, and they happily lead the way on difficult paths. Taking pride in bringing people together, Executives often take on roles as community organizers, working hard to bring everyone together in celebration of cherished local events, or in defense of the traditional values that hold families and communities together.

Anyone Worth Their Salt Sticks Up for What They Believe Is Right...

Demand for such leadership is high in democratic societies, and forming no less than 11% of the population, it’s no wonder that many of America’s presidents have been Executives. Strong believers in the rule of law and authority that must be earned, Executive personalities lead by example, demonstrating dedication and purposeful honesty, and an utter rejection of laziness and cheating, especially in work. If anyone declares hard, manual work to be an excellent way to build character, it is Executives.

Executives are aware of their surroundings and live in a world of clear, verifiable facts – the surety of their knowledge means that even against heavy resistance, they stick to their principles and push an unclouded vision of what is and is not acceptable. Their opinions aren’t just empty talk either, as Executives are more than willing to dive into the most challenging projects, improving action plans and sorting details along the way, making even the most complicated tasks seem easy and approachable.

However, Executives don’t work alone, and they expect their reliability and work ethic to be reciprocated – people with this personality type meet their promises, and if partners or subordinates jeopardize them through incompetence or laziness, or worse still, dishonesty, they do not hesitate to show their wrath. This can earn them a reputation for inflexibility, a trait shared by all Sentinel personalities, but it’s not because Executives are arbitrarily stubborn, but because they truly believe that these values are what make society work.

...But Still Better Are Those Who Acknowledge When They Are in Error

Executives are classic images of the model citizen: they help their neighbors, uphold the law, and try to make sure that everyone participates in the communities and organizations they hold so dear.

The main challenge for Executives is to recognize that not everyone follows the same path or contributes in the same way. A true leader recognizes the strength of the individual, as well as that of the group, and helps bring those individuals’ ideas to the table. That way, Executives really do have all the facts, and are able to lead the charge in directions that work for everyone.

Executive Strengths

Dedicated – Seeing things to completion borders on an ethical obligation for Executives. Tasks aren’t simply abandoned because they’ve become difficult or boring – people with the Executive personality type take them up when they are the right thing to do, and they will be finished so long as they remain the right thing to do.

Strong-willed – A strong will makes this dedication possible, and Executives don’t give up their beliefs because of simple opposition. Executives defend their ideas and principles relentlessly, and must be proven clearly and conclusively wrong for their stance to budge.

Direct and Honest – Executives trust facts far more than abstract ideas or opinions. Straightforward statements and information are king, and Executive personalities return the honesty (whether it’s wanted or not).

Loyal, Patient and Reliable – Executives work to exemplify truthfulness and reliability, considering stability and security very important. When Executives say they’ll do something, they keep their word, making them very responsible members of their families, companies and communities.

Enjoy Creating Order – Chaos makes things unpredictable, and unpredictable things can’t be trusted when they are needed most – with this in mind, Executives strive to create order and security in their environments by establishing rules, structures and clear roles.

Excellent Organizers – This commitment to truth and clear standards makes Executives capable and confident leaders. People with this personality type have no problem distributing tasks and responsibilities to others fairly and objectively, making them excellent administrators.

Executive Weaknesses

Inflexible and Stubborn – The problem with being so fixated on what works is that Executives too often dismiss what might work better. Everything is opinion until proven, and Executive personalities are reluctant to trust an opinion long enough for it to have that chance.

Uncomfortable with Unconventional Situations – Executives are strong adherents to tradition and when suddenly forced to try unvetted solutions, they become uncomfortable and stressed. New ideas suggest that their methods weren’t good enough, and abandoning what has always worked before in favor of something that may yet fail risks their image of reliability.

Judgmental – Executives have strong convictions about what is right, wrong, and socially acceptable. Executives’ compulsion to create order often extends to all things and everyone, ignoring the possibility that there are two right ways to get things done. Executives do not hesitate to let these “deviants” know what they think, considering it their duty to set things right.

Too Focused on Social Status – Executives take pride in the respect of their friends, colleagues and community and while difficult to admit, are very concerned with public opinion. Executives (especially Turbulent ones) can get so caught up in meeting others’ expectations that they fail to address their own needs.

Difficult to Relax – This need for respect fosters a need to maintain their dignity, which can make it difficult to cut loose and relax for risk of looking the fool, even in good fun.

Difficulty Expressing Emotion – This is all evidence of Executives’ greatest weakness: expressing emotions and feeling empathy. People with the Executive personality type get so caught up in the facts and most effective methods that they forget to think of what makes others happy, or of their sensitivity. A detour can be breathtakingly beautiful, a joy for the family, but Executives may only see the consequence of arriving at their destination an hour late, hurting their loved ones by rejecting the notion too harshly.

Romantic Relationships

Executives are fairly unique in that their relationships don’t really change as they progress from the dating phase into more steady, long-term relationships and further into marriage. Because they value honesty and straightforwardness so highly, people with the Executive personality type are likely to be clear about who they are, what they’re like and what their goals are from the start, and to stick to those statements long-term. So long as their partner is able to take them at their word and follow suit, they are bound to be extremely stable relationships.

This Is the Chance to Do Something

This isn’t to say that there isn’t any growth of course – character development is always a high priority for Executives, and each life goal is important. Rather, it’s that shifting moods, goals and desires are unlikely to fundamentally alter the basis of Executives’ relationships.

There are certainly challenges, but Executives take their relationships seriously and are willing to put a tremendous amount of effort into ensuring that they remain strong and committed, and that effort pays off.

This may all sound a little stale, and indeed Executives are not spontaneous or unpredictable people, but they do very much enjoy taking their partners out and having fun. Social events and activities are Executives’ idea of a good time, and while they may rely on familiar people and places, they do bring lots of energy and enthusiasm, which helps keep things interesting.

Executives approach intimacy with similarly physical, active intentions, and from fairly traditional ones as well. Wild ideas and poetry are for less mature personalities, or so Executives might say, though they do appreciate recognition and well-placed compliments to maintain high self-esteem. They may look for more stability in their sex lives than most, but Executives never fail to bring their characteristic vigor.

This hints at a challenge in Executives’ relationships though, and that is emotional intimacy. Touchy-feely moments are few, as are verbal statements of love; this is usually fine, as Executive personalities find other, more tangible ways to express their affection. The problem is in recognizing the validity of those qualities in others, rather than simply dismissing them as pointless or irrational, something that can be extremely hurtful if Executives’ partners are more sensitive.

Pay the Price to Secure the Blessing

Executives address conflict head-on with simple statements of fact – a very rational approach – but subtlety and emotional tact are sacrificed in the process. While Executives’ level-headed, calm approach is appreciated by many, for others it is an uncomfortably direct approach. For all their social skills, Executives are especially bad at reading the emotional side of other people, and when it comes to their partners, it’s more important than ever to try to improve.

Executives are people of strong principles and strong self-confidence. They use these qualities to protect their partners with admirable consistency. But people with the Executive personality type are also stubborn, with a firm belief in their rightness, and they can quickly damage more sensitive partners’ fragile feelings. With this in mind, it is often best for Executives to find fellow Observant (S) partners in order to minimize communication barriers, with one or two opposing traits to balance their forceful character and provide opportunities for growth.

[yogpetshame]

More Daltos.

Daltos sounded really big there at the end but then he edited this into the post shortly after:

Anyway, what a long-winded post about nothing.

Lewis stated that he “used some hurtful language and made some jokes in poor taste. It was never intended to be hurtful... There's no excuse for me being stupid and immature - I know better. I will do better in the future and will endeavour to grow and improve.” Daltos says that he has already finished growing in the last two years and is done becoming less racist.

Daltos makes some strange distinction between deciding to apologize when your ‘growth’ doesn’t speak for itself, and being ‘forced to apologize.’ Which is just lost on me. I don’t think Lewis would have apologized if he wasn’t asked to by Rooster Teeth, no. Do I believe he’s sorry? Sure, more or less sorry that he can’t just pretend it never happened, but fine, it’s regret. Just because an apology doesn’t change the opinion of a guy who knows Lewis better than 99.99% of everyone on the earth doesn’t mean it has no meaning to the 75% of his fans who think everything racist Lewis has said doesn’t need to be apologized for and that the n-word is fine in the UK. Someone who has grown, truly, would apologize and not feel like they need a huge crowd of people demanding it to come out and apologize. It would be throwaway. Casual. Not a coup. The sort of statement where he could come out afterwards and say, ‘stop defending me, stans, stop defending me, Daltos, I’m sorry and I should have said it sooner and you’re making me look like a prick.”

“Racism in England is completely different than here in America... I had a black roommate... there were two separate times he was called the soft N by British exchange students... being able to think rationally about the intention behind someone using a word is key to growth as a human being.” Boy, are you full of shit. If you want to argue that Britain is more racist by default than America, that’s your choice, but this month, the entire fucking world is screaming “so get less racist.” The Edward Colston statue that Lewis did an impression of a slave owner in front of two years ago, slur and all, was pulled down yesterday. Did awareness of racism not exist in Britain two years ago? Things were just tranquil and everyone was happy and racist and nobody was upset about it? That in 2018 everyone was just cheerfully slinging the n-word around in the UK, and then suddenly now in 2020 suddenly the n-word became racist? Thinking rationally about your own fucking arguments is how you dig your head out of your ass, pal.

“Those people who called out Lewis... look for vengeance or justice in all actions, then when it comes to fruition they validate their own beliefs. It's dangerous, hateful, and spiteful. All things that will twist a person into being miserable for the rest of their lives.”

It’s like poetry. It rhymes:

“The world on the internet is a place that you have to, you know, pay attention on. And it’s always been that way. The reality is that we [Turps and Lewis] take serious things very seriously. Okay? Anything that is actually wrongdoing, is serious. But! If you start talking about me being flirty on the internet with girls as ‘allegations’ or some sort of ‘abuse,’ or ‘malicious,’ or ‘deception,’ or any of these words that are not real, and you start making headlines, fuck you! Honestly, because you are stirring up shit and making people upset and ruining people’s lives.”

Time and again they’ve shown that, no, Lewis is not responsible enough to be just of his own accord. The Yogscast will insist that no, they are responsible, and that they understand what they’re doing, and that they’re simply minimizing the things they believe are too insignificant to matter. Everyone who’s been concerned in the past has already been threatened with ruining people’s lives. The Yogscast already mowed down dozens of people whilst insisting that drama was about nothing, and that their detractors were evil.

We’ve already seen how this one played out, so you’re going to have to make a new boilerplate speech in your “The Yogscast Ignores Being Called Out Standard Operating Procedure” binder because this one’s dog tired.

“Lewis rapping the N word has nothing to do with a serious situation that my family is out protesting.” Lewis rapping the n-word has nothing to do with ending the racism, both casual and systemic, that your white family is out protesting? Say again? Do you want to go out of your house and actually go to the protest to find someone who bothered to attend and ask if they mind if your friend says the n-word? I didn’t think so.

[wisdomrays]

TAFAKKUR: Part 158

Standing against Radicalism: The Example of Abu Hanifa

Radicalism is a destructive force that threatens bonds within a society. It violates social order, for those who adopt radicalism assume their views as the norm and dictate that all must follow their lifestyle. Radicalism has a potential to reveal itself even more violently when aligned with some religious beliefs, which often serve as a great source of motivation for their adherents, especially when the religion itself is misinterpreted.

Abu Hanifa (d. 767 CE) is considered a leading scholar of Islamic law and his thoughts led to the formation of the Hanafi school of Islam, which has the greatest following among schools. Abu Hanifa's time was an era of intense political and social mobility. While new conquests brought in new cultural and religious components, the political authority aspired to disseminate an official form of Islam; at the same time, new groups and formations emerged to respond to changing conditions. Unfortunately, these conditions led to some groups being radicalized. Abu Hanifa's stance against radicalism was exemplary and his arguments are still worthwhile today.

His political attitude

Abu Hanifa represents the prototype of an independent scholar. He was wary of state power, believing that it corrupted intellectual honesty in the interest of preserving power; thus, he did not hold an official political position. This was a brave stance, as he was seriously persecuted for it. Yet his independence allowed him to see radicalism - on both sides of the political spectrum - for the danger that it was.

Understanding of Islamic jurisprudence

Abu Hanifa is considered the pioneer of the school of sound opinion (ray), which advocates seeking solutions to social-judicial problems by using reason together with religious essentials and scholarly comparison (qiyas). Deductive reasoning (ijtihad), juristic preference for the better (istihsan), and acceptable custom (urf) have an important place in his understanding of Islamic jurisprudence. We can infer that he also believed in the necessity of taking social and psychological realities into account when making religious judgments; this was what he did in practice.

Abu Hanifa did not choose a reductionist approach by restricting himself to the frame of religious essentials, but produced solutions to the questions he faced—or could possibly face—by benefiting from the sources mentioned along with the Qur'an and Sunnah. It is possible to define his approach to jurisprudence as an understanding that places humanity in the center; his views expanded the domain of legitimacy and accepted components of historical and cultural heritage that do not contradict the spirit of religion and belief of Divine oneness, such as local customs and practices. This broad perspective ran contrary to radical beliefs. Because the Hanafi school of Islamic jurisprudence does not disregard real problems in life, it is more capable of solving them.

Abu Hanifa viewed education and debate as essential to his jurisprudence. He would bring a certain problem - some of them contemporary, and some hypothetical - to the attention of his students, each of whom was an expert on an Islamic discipline such as tafsir, hadith, and fiqh; he would let them discuss that matter in detail, follow the discussions with patience, and come to a conclusive judgment according to the strength of the arguments. But he would still tolerate the opposing thoughts of his disciples, such as Imam Muhammad and Abu Yusuf, and let those thoughts come to life. All of their opposing thoughts were recorded, and people acted upon most of them.

We can accept Abu Hanifa's educational method as a pluralist and democratic one, which also teaches how to forbear different opinions with patience. It shows the value of viewing an issue from different points of view. Despite its value, there were some groups that did not support Abu Hanifa's methods.

His understanding of belief

Some groups had formed prior to Abu Hanifa as extensions of the extremist Kharijites. They not only directly declared believing Muslims who sinned were apostates, but they also attacked them and tried to exterminate them in the name of religion. The Kharijites even declared Caliph Ali - and many other devout believers - apostates. Though the Kharijites were the most violent, other groups - including the Mutazilites - also persecuted certain religious groups when they came to political power. Unfortunately, this act of dividing society into groups inevitably led to more violence.

According to one definition, it is possible for religion to be a dividing or uniting factor within a society. It can be a great force for good when it is kept separate from the political machinations of power. In his work Fiqh al-Akbar, Abu Hanifa defined the concept of religion (din) in terms of its contents by saying, "Religion is the title given to the entirety of religion, faith, submission, and religious judgments." Abu'l Muntaha, the scholar who annotated this definition, states that the word religion has different uses, sometimes meaning belief, sometimes submission, and sometimes as the Divine judgments conveyed by a certain Prophet. However, at his answer to the question directed to him about the difference between religion and religious law, Abu Hanifa he expressed that he saw a difference between them. He did not only acknowledge this difference, but also gave a religious and rational explanation for it.

According to Abu Hanifa, religion (din) and religious law (shariah) are separate concepts. He accepted religion as the principles to be believed in - namely, the belief of Divine unity, and faith in the existence and unity of God. Religious law, however, is a body of judgments related to different aspects of human life such as worship, interpersonal relations, and the like. Abu Hanifa interpreted the Qur'anic verse meaning, "I have not created the jinn and humankind but to worship Me (exclusively)" (Dhariyat 56), in the sense of, "So that they know Me and acknowledge my Oneness."

He believed the origin of religion is the belief in the unity of God. Obviously, this definition is based on the distinction between the essence of religion and what it necessitates. Here, belief is the absolute condition of religion, because a person belonging to a certain religion is a matter of accepting the essential teachings of that religion, rather than observing the acts of worship commanded by that religion.

Abu Hanifa came to this conclusion about religion by considering the fact that the essentials of belief brought by the Prophets are the same, but there are certain differences on other issues, such as worship. The Prophets of God did not belong to different religions. None of them commanded their people to forsake the religion of the previous Prophets, since their faith is the same. On the other hand, every Prophet invited their people to follow the law they conveyed, as decreed by God Almighty for that specific people, not necessarily following the exact law conveyed by the previous Prophets. There were many different codes for different peoples. It is for this reason that God Almighty states, "(For each community) ...We have appointed a clear way of life and a comprehensive system (containing the principles of that way and how to follow it). And if God had so willed, He would surely have made you a single community (following the same way of life and system surrounded by the same conditions throughout all history)" (Maedah 48).

The faith of Divine oneness is always the same and religion does not change from one Prophet to another in this sense; it is the systems and their rules that change. If "religion" were fulfilling everything God commands and avoiding everything He forbids, then a person who fails to observe only one command or commits one forbidden act would be an apostate. As such, the legal judgments between fellow believers such as marriage, receiving an inheritance, attending a funeral, and the like would be invalid. However, it is having belief that makes them lawful between fellow believers. Other commands come after having accepted religion. If the commanded acts were faith itself, then God would not call His servants believers until they fulfilled the acts He commanded.

In order to support the point stated above, Abu Hanifa asserted the fact that when believers are excused from certain acts at certain times, they are still considered to have faith: a menstruating woman who abandons the daily prayers, a man who has a valid excuse abandons the Ramadan fasting, or a poor man who cannot give the alms of zakat are still considered believers. If such observances were identical to having faith, failing to observe them for some excuse would have the same meaning. However, it is impossible to make such a claim. According to Abu Hanifa, there is no complete relation between faith and deeds, since they are separate things.

Abu Hanifa stated that the following verses and others of similar meaning also point to the same fact:

"Tell those of My servants who believe that they must establish the Prayer in conformity with its conditions..." (Ibrahim 31); "O you who believe! Prescribed for you is retaliation in cases of (deliberate, unjust) killing..." (Baqarah 178); "O you who believe! Remember and mention God much" (Ahzab 41).

If the commanded acts were identical with belief or faith (iman), then God would not address people as believers until they fulfilled those acts. In addition, God Almighty separates having faith and good deeds in other verses as well:

"Except those who believe and do good righteous deeds..." (Asr 3); "No! Rather, whoever submits his whole being to God (and does so) as one devoted to doing good, aware that God is seeing him, his reward is with his Lord, and all such will have no fear, (for they will always find My help and support with them), nor will they grieve" (Baqarah 112); "But whoever wishes for the Hereafter and strives for it as it should be striven for, being a believer..." (Isra 19).

This distinction proves that faith is not the same as deeds. Believers observe the prayers, fasting, zakat, Hajj, and they make remembrance of God owing to their faith - but they are not considered to have faith for having observed these. This proves that they do good deeds after having faith (iman) already.

In his letter to Uthman al-Batti, a scholar from Basra, Abu Hanifa stated this view with reference to different proofs. He used the following example: an indebted man firstly acknowledges his debt and pays it afterwards, but not vice versa. His acknowledgement of the debt is not for having paid the debt, but his paying is for having acknowledged the debt.

Abu Hanifa did not believe that a person who sins is out of the sphere of faith; nor are they an apostate. He expressed this point, saying, "Those who have acknowledged the direction to turn for worship are believers. I cannot count them as having forsaken faith owing to some command they do not observe. As for one who abandons some obligatory acts in spite of having faith, that person is a believer, but a sinful one (he is not a disbeliever)."

Abu Hanifa argued that what would make one an unbeliever is not committing a forbidden act, but considering it lawful; not abandoning an obligatory command, but considering it unnecessary.

Abu Hanifa also pointed out that real believers commit sins not by considering them lawful, but by giving in to their carnal soul. When asked, "If God is dearer for a believer than everything, why does a believer rebel Him? Is it possible for a person to rebel while having sincere love for God?" the great imam replied, "Yes, a child loves his father, but sometimes disobeys him. The situation of a believer is the same...He commits sins not owing to a lack of love for God, but for giving in to the feeling of lust or something similar."

Some claimed that this stance aligned Abu Hanifa with the school of Murjia, whose adherents believed that sins would not nullify one's faith, but Abu Hanifa soundly argued that it is not possible to guarantee anything in matters of faith:

"We cannot say that sins do not harm a believer at all. Similarly, we cannot say that a person who commits sins will not enter Hell. Neither can we say our good deeds are accepted and our evil deeds are forgiven... However, who commits good deeds in conformity with all of the conditions of validity...and dies as a believer without nullifying those deeds, then God does not let those deeds be in vain, but rewards them." We need to clarify at this point that by this definition Abu Hanifa did not refer to an argument as if religion was a matter of conscience only; religion for him is a comprehensive system of life that concerns all aspects of believers' existence.

While founding the most developed school of Islamic jurisprudence, Abu Hanifa defined religion with reference to its essence, pinpointing the difference between religion and other factors related to religion. His definition of religion as the faith of Divine oneness is very important in terms of maintaining social unity. Such a definition does not lessen the importance of religion's other requirements. Moreover, the political and social conditions of his time called for such a definition. For this reason, Abu Hanifa made a definition that referred to the essence of religion and aimed to maintain unity in society by counteracting the tendency to easily condemn those with different opinions.

This is valuable even today, as taking belief in Divine unity as the basis of religion allows followers of different monotheistic religions to meet on common grounds. In the Qur'an, God Almighty addresses Muslims in the person of the Prophet and demands them to call People of the Book to a common word between them: "O People of the Book, come to a word common between us and you, that we worship none but God, and associate none as partner with Him, and that none of us take others for Lords, apart from God" (Al Imran 3: 64).

Conclusion

When Abu Hanifa's world of thought and understanding of life are studied, it's clear that his viewpoint valued differences and did not permit persecution. This perspective still bears significance in terms of peaceful coexistence in today's societies. Such a magnanimous attitude can help to combat radical attitudes and inclinations for violence.

[birdy-lady]

i have an illogical anxiety about being disappointed by the final few episodes... like i have no reason to believe that based on everything dan has done so far, but expectations are running so high at this point that i'm worried about the eps not living up to these impossible standards and then i'm just sad about the show ending all over again

i’m not really feeling the same, i like to think that i have pretty realistic expectations of the show because my expectations are always changing, like a year ago if you had told me that the wedding would be in the last episode i wouldn’t have been pleased but now i’m like yess!! but still you’re definitely not the only person in that position though, and i completely understand! it’s hard to not build high expectation of something that’s been on our minds for so long and it’s the /last/ of the thing so of course we want it to be good and satisfying!

but at least you’re aware of it, which i think is good? because by reading stuff all season long i can confirm that a lot of people have high expectations about the final season (which of course include the finale) but they don’t seem aware of it. and at least if you end up feeling off about something in the last episodes, you can always rationalize it because you’re aware that you had all those expectations. BUT that doesn’t mean it’s not valid to be disappointed, it totally is! and regardless of built up expectations.

and since you mentioned that you trust dan, i think it can be a good idea to remind yourself of all the reasons why you love the show the way you do so that you notice all these things in the next episodes and it might help you understand some actions made by the characters if you’re hesitant at first? for me one of the thing i love the most about the show is the growth every character experienced and it’s still something i’m seeing in every episode (alexis and moira in the last couple of episodes for example!)

also i’m talking to everyone when i say this, not just you, and i hope i don’t sound rude, but i think it’s always good to remind ourselves that the finale (and the last episodes leading up to it) is 22 minutes long and that the show have multiple main characters. and dan has talked about the fact that the last episode of the show will be just like any other episode of the series.

[galah-xy]

Spinel & BPD

Steven Universe: The Movie really hit hard for me. To me, Spinel showed a few symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD), and as someone experiencing a few symptoms of BPD myself, I was really pleased to see an accurate representation of a mental illness in a TV show – and in a children’s 'cartoon' show no less.

(However, as much as I appreciate this accurate representation, I'm still upset that it is represented in a villain, but that's for another essay.)

In this essay, I will relate my own experiences of having symptoms of BPD to some of her dialogues and songs, to show how realistic her character was in portraying BPD.

[SPOILERS BELOW]

Throughout the movie, Spinel showed a few symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, such as:

Feeling emotions intensely

Harder to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event

Fear of (real or imagined) abandonment by loved ones

Unstable personal relationships alternating between idealization (“I love her so much”) and devaluation (“I hate her so much”)

Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes

Intense or uncontrollable anger - often followed by shame and guilt

WARNING: I am not a licensed psychologist, and the creators of the show did not explicitly confirm that Spinel has BPD. Therefore, I cannot fully diagnose Spinel has having BPD. I am simply saying that she show symptoms of it. These are only based on my own experiences and observations. And if you relate to a few of the symptoms mentioned above, please seek professional help and avoid any form of self-diagnosis.

Now, to understand how all these symptoms were shown, let’s have a recap of the whole movie.

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Spinel was created to be a play mate for Pink Diamond, and they would play in the garden for hundreds of years and years. But Pink Diamond was getting tired of playing with her and felt that Spinel was being too clingy.

So, Pink Diamond told her to play one last game. Spinel will stand in the garden and won't move until Pink Diamond comes back. Thing is, Pink Diamond never came back. Spinel waited for thousands of years, only to hear news that she made new friends without her, did so many things without her, and then died, leaving her all alone.

Feeling hurt, and betrayed by what Pink Diamond did, she released her anger on Steven, Pink Diamond's son, by making Steven lose all his powers, making his friends lose all their memories, and destroying the entire planet. Throughout this fight, however, even Spinel forgot all her memories of Pink, and went back to her ‘default setting’ of being a happy playmate.

Steven spends the whole movie being distrustful towards Spinel, since she was the one who destroyed everything he loved. He spent all his time trying to bring back his friends’ memories, and unintentionally neglected Spinel at every step of the way, and this triggered her to remember all the pain she felt when Pink neglected her.

After Spinel explained everything Pink did to her, Steven tries to help her, and she calms down for a while because she felt that someone was finally listening to her. But it turns out, Steven only wanted to bring back her memories so she can stop the destruction of the planet. After Spinel turned off her injector, Steven went back to trying to help his own friends.

She snapped and lashed out - and this time, she was hell-bent on killing Steven completely.

Spinel: You know, I came here to take my anger out on a bunch of strangers, but now that I know you, I want to kill you even more.

Steven finally gets his powers back after realizing that change is important in growth. He tries to talk Spinel out of her anger, but she couldn’t comprehend that she could change the way Steven did. She had so much hate, not just for Steven, but also for herself.

But after she was able to release out all this anger, she started to show extreme shame and guilt for her actions. She was able to help Steven save the planet, and through Pink’s siblings, she finally found someone who can love her for who she is.

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I feel so much sympathy for Spinel. Her only purpose as a gem was to please her friend, Pink Diamond. She dedicated every moment of her life for her. So many of Spinel’s songs and dialogues really hit me, because it made me remember the times I was in her position.

I have had moments in my life when I would sacrifice all my time for someone I loved. I equated my own self-worth with how much I could make others happy. I would hate myself so much whenever I made other people upset.

From the song, “Drift Away”, Spinel sings:

"And then she smiled, that’s what I’m after A smile in her eyes, the sound of her laughter Happy to listen, happy to play, happily watching her drift away”

Looking back, I understand now that constantly seeking validation from others was incredibly unhealthy, and it might have been the reason why these people left us.

I also have this unhealthy habit of doing too much for others, with the hopes that they would eventually do the same for me, even when they have never shown any sign that they would.

In the same song, she sings:

“You keep on turning pages for people who don’t care, people who don’t care about you And still, it takes you ages to see that no one’s there, see that no one’s there Everyone’s gone on without you.”

This traumatic experience of being used and abandoned can echo throughout a person’s entire lifetime and affect future relationships. When Steven showed even the slightest signs of neglecting Spinel (even if it was unintentional), the feelings of betrayal and hurt came rushing back. She jumped to the conclusion that Steven will wipe out her memories again, since he was done using her for his own benefit. She felt that she was going to be tossed away again.

Spinel: What about me? Is that all you needed me for? To turn off my injector? Steven: No… Sort of, but- Spinel: But what now? I did what you wanted. That’s it? Steven: Well, yeah. We can just forget this whole thing ever happened…? Spinel: How are you gonna forget with me around? I’m the source of all your problems. Don’t pretend you want me here. What’s your plan for me, huh? Gonna put me somewhere? You’re gonna leave me alone?

I have also had moments when I would lash out and say hurtful things at my family and friends because I myself felt hurt, lonely, or betrayed. These feelings usually stem from my unhealthy thinking styles, and not from these people actually hurting me.

In Spinel’s first song, “Other friends”:

“What did she say about me? What did she say? What did you do without me? What did you do?”

I relate to this line because I always have this dark thought that my friends are always talking behind my back. I feel like they leave me out on purpose because I have a mental illness, and because I’m emotionally unstable.

Another line I relate to is:

“I’m the loser of the game you didn’t know you were playing”

Because I always put myself down, I always think my friends hate me, and none of them knows how much their smallest actions can have a huge negative effect on me. A clear example would be when I invite my friends to hang out, and none of them reply. Rationally, I know that they’re probably too busy to reply, but my brain automatically thinks that they don’t want to hang out with an emotionally unstable person like me, but they feel too awkward to say no because they don’t want to be responsible if I break down because of it.

When you are friends with someone with a mental illness, expect that they will have a lot of relapses. Even when we are aware of how hurtful we can be, sometimes we can’t help it. A lot of patience is required. Like with Spinel, I experience huge bouts of guilt and shame a few hours after I lashed out.

Spinel: What am I doing? Why do I want to hurt you so bad? I’m supposed to be your friend. I just want to be your friend.

I really hate myself for being so self-destructive, for overthinking too much. I can understand if people want to push me out of their lives. These feelings can be overwhelming at times. It can make me feel like I can never be cured, that I’ll always be like this for the rest of my life – constantly destroying my relationships with everyone, always hurting the people I loved. There have been so many times when I feel like even when I try to do everything I can to be better, it’s still not good enough. Which is why this line hurt me so much:

Spinel: When you change, you change for the better. When I change, I change for the worst. I’m just not good enough, just not good enough for Pink, but now, now I’m not good at all.

But I am trying to change for the better. I'm taking therapy and medications to stabilize my mood. And even if I have lost a lot of friends because of my mental illnesses, I am thankful for the few that stayed. It’s not easy to love someone with a mental illness, and I’m eternally grateful for everyone who has had the patience and strength to stay and help people like me.

Like what Spinel said in “Found”:

“Someday, somewhere, somehow I’ll love again, I just need to find someone Someone who treats me better Someone who wants me around Someday, somewhere, somehow, I’m gonna feel found”

And I do feel found. I have a very strong and loving support system, filled with people who look out for me – my current friends, my boyfriend, my immediate family, and my therapists.

For everyone who went through the same things Spinel did, I hope you find someone who treats you better, someone who wants you around. They’re out there somewhere. You just need to find them.

[eldritchsurveys]

957.

5k Survey LIV

2751. What's the most interesting assignment you ever had in school? >> I’m not sure. I hope people realise that my last moment in any kind of school was in December of 2005 (and my last moment in high school was June of 2004). I can barely be arsed to remember anything from 15 years ago unless it’s trauma-related. 2752. What's the most interesting thing you ever had to do for work? >> I thought working as a merch seller for local bands was very interesting. I had a lot of fun. 2753. Do you feel: insignifigant? unable to evoke change? like one person can't change the world? like one life and one person's suffering doesn't mean very much? If you answered yes to any of those can you describe why in detail? >> I, personally, feel insignificant fairly often, but that doesn’t extend to thinking that other people are also equally insignificant.  2754. Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has? Albert Einstein: Abe Lincoln: Franz Kafka: Jesus Christ: >> Just because I already have self-esteem problems doesn’t mean I’m going to sit here and consciously make “do you have as much worth as these people” comparisons. 2755. Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein's brain? Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln? Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing litterature during his lunchbreaks at work? Did you know that we are all made of matter and that you are made of the Same Thing that Jesus was made of? Do you still believe that you couldn't contribute as much to society as they did? If yes than WHY? >> This is an immensely irritating line of questioning, I hope it’s over now.

2756. Is your mind in the gutter? >> My mind is not in the gutter. 2757. What do you have to complain about? >> Whatever I want to complain about. 2758. Do you remember rock n' roll radio? >> ... Yes? Pretty sure it still exists, regardless. 2759. Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it? >> I don’t know, try google. 2760. Hey, if you've gotten this far than you and me go way back. We've been hanging out for a while now and I gotta know..do you like me? >> --- 2761. What are you doing, Dave? >> --- 2762. As far as love goes do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone or find someone who completes you? >> People are already complete, despite however they may feel about themselves. I don’t understand what it means to look for someone who “completes you”, that sounds immensely absurd to me. So I guess I can’t really answer this question except to say “I don’t think people should be thinking about relationships in these terms...” 2763. What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)? >> --- 2764. Do you need people or do you not need anyone? >> Of course I need other people. The fact that I have an attachment disorder is a direct result of my inherent need for other people’s love and support going repeatedly ignored. Even besides that, I need other people to physically survive, because that’s how ecosystems work, and believe it or not, we are still part of nature and beholden to its cycles and systems. 2765. Is selfishness always bad? Is selflessness always good? >> No. 2766. Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure? >> Of course certain elements of my life as a social creature are controlled by power structures. 2767. Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what's within is a good thing? >> Sigh. 2768. Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing? >> The entirety of capitalism. 2769. What is more important, a picture or it's frame? What is more important, spirituality or religion? >> These questions truly do get more baffling as time goes on. 2770. How many definitions can you come up with for the wword 'fuck'? >> I don’t have to come up with definitions, google is right there. 2771. Is it less offensive when a black person says Nigger than when a white person says it? Why or why not? >> The context in which a Black person says it is often a far different context from the one in which a white person says it. So, yes. It usually is less offensive by default, unless the Black person being addressed is uncomfortable with the word even when used in a friendly context. 2772. Do you rationalize often? >> Rationalise what? 2773. Do you believe that america is an imperialist nation? >> I mean, yeah. 2774. Would you agree that: hot topic is the new abercrombie? pink is the new black: you are the new you? >> *stares dully* 2775. Do you have more internet or real life friends? >> I only have Internet friends. 2776. What IS the feeding of 5000? >> The what?? 2777. What's an easy way to make money? >> I don’t know. 2778. What's your favorite slang word and what does it mean? >> I don’t think I have a favourite slang word. 2779. Are you uncomfortable? >> Slightly, because of noise issues. 2780. Is anything definate besides death and taxes? >> Taxes aren’t definite for everyone, but death certainly is. I don’t know what else is that predictable. 2781. Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old? >> Living slow sounds nice to me. However it ends. 2782. Can you name 4 people who have committed crimes against humanity? How do you think they live with themselves? >> Probably, but I don’t feel like it. I don’t care how they live with themselves. 2783. If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could concieve, how would you want God to be? >> I can imagine any god I want to imagine. It’s really not that hard, there are already so many to choose from, even if just to use as a template. 2784. do you think the smashing pumpkins have a strong christian theme? >> I don’t know, I’ve never paid a whole lot of attention to their lyrics. Their songs just sound pretty. 2785. Do you think this survey has a strong christian theme? >> I didn’t think that. I hope I won’t have cause to think it in the future. 2786. Fill in the blank for yourself" Give me ____ or give me death! >> --- 2787. Have you ever heard of the USA patriotism act? Apparently they have passed laws making torture legal. Also the FBI can sneak and peek into ANYONE'S home. They don't have to ask or even tell you they were there. This is already the law. So, whaddaya think? >> I mean, yes, I know that. I live here. 2788. The people in power step all over the average citizen, trying to secure all the power and money for themselves and leave us with no rights and under their control. They have the audacity to do this because they know that we will not lift a finger to stop them. Are they right? >> I don’t know if they’re right or not. I’m also not sure what the fuck powerful-ass finger you think we common folk all have. 2789. The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S. to secure there a free society. They will accomplish this by first reforming state law, opting out of federal mandates, and finally negotiating directly with the federal government for appropriate political autonomy. They want to be a community of freedom-loving individuals and families, and want to create a shining example of liberty for the rest of the nation and the world. What's your opinion? Could this work? Why or why not? >> Didn’t a bunch of libertarians want to do this at some point? Anyway, I don’t know if this could work or not. I don’t know nearly enough about any of the elements involved to have an informed opinion about the feasibility of this kind of project. It does sound plenty audacious, though (and way too vague). 2790. Have you ever seen the Neverending Story? Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying? Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror? >> I do remember that, vaguely. I wanted to rewatch this movie but then I didn’t get to it in time and HBO took it down :( Anyway, I don’t know if I could stand myself if I looked into a mirror like that. I can’t conceptualise what that experience would actually be like. 2791. What is soilent green? >> Oh, you know. (That’s another movie I’d like to rewatch, in fact.) 2792. What are you proud that you have never done? >> *shrug* 2793. What things are hopeless? >> *shrug* 2794. What Are People For? >> Making Soylent Green out of. 2795. What book do you feel could change someone's life? >> Any book could change someone’s life. 2796. Didja ever want to just walk up to the Bush administration and ask them, 'What the fuck?' >> No, I wasn’t really paying much attention to the administration during that time because I had a lot of personal issues taking up my immediate focus. But from what little I remember about it, it’d be a valid question to ask. 2797. How do you take your coffeee? >> Decaffeinated. 2798. Have you ever played: paintball? lazer tag? which is better? >> I’ve never played these. 2799. In what ways are you lucky? >> A lot of ways, I guess. A lot of fucked up shit has happened, but a fair amount of strangely fortuitous stuff has happened, too. Guess something has to even the other shit out. 2800. If Jesse Jackson wants reparations to be given to black people because he thinks that black people don't have equal opportunities in this country than why does he drive a Jaguar? >> “Black people don’t have equal opportunities in this country” is still a fact of life no matter what the fuck kind of car Jesse Jackson drives. Focusing on his personal “success” or whatever like that is just a diversion from the heart of the matter.

[yukipri]

So I’m back from the dead (literally). A Goodbye Message.

Hey there. Some of you may remember me.

Some of you may have wondered why I suddenly stopped posting, but the vast majority of you probably didn’t even notice, as is how it is. ^ ^;

I’m finally back, and it wasn’t an easy journey getting back.

Here’s what happened.

(Slightly long post, but please forgive me for not putting it under a cut, it’s sorta important)

On November 19th, I checked my blog as I always do, to learn that my blog was terminated.

No warning, no reason, suddenly BOOM gone. I’ve had this blog since spring 2012. It’s almost entirely sfw, I’ve always been hyper careful with tagging, and any questionable content has always been hosted on other platforms. Yet for some reason, I was one of many blogs caught up in what’s come to be known as the #TumblrPurge.

I followed all the steps. I emailed staff, first desperately, then more rationally, making my case. I figured that a bot had caught my blog, as I knew plenty of other more suspicious content blogs that were unharmed. At first there was hope, it’s just a glitch, it’s happening to a lot of people, they’ll give it back right away, some people have already gotten theirs back!

Nothing.

My methods of contacting followers were limited to my Patreon and Twitter, neither of which has much of a base. Followers who knew me on there were incredibly kind and supportive, and sometimes even reached out to staff on my behalf.

I didn’t want to spam, but I also was desperate. I emailed staff once a week. I tried using different categories. I tried adding attachments. My messages ranged from simple and succinct, to deeply personal and desperate.

I was honestly devastated. I spiraled into the worst depression I’ve ever been in. I could barely eat and vomited nonstop for a week. I gained 20 pounds in 2 weeks. I was completely out of control mentally, and even reached out to a psychiatrist friend in case I couldn’t handle it myself. I couldn’t draw, and thinking about projects that I once loved only hurt me more.

Talk about social media addiction, but I’ve legit never gone longer than a week without posting something for years, and especially since becoming a content creator, it felt sickening to not have the place where I drove myself to post constantly and consistently. It broke my schedule. It made me feel cut off from the world, and I felt claustrophobic and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I lost so many things with this blog. Yes, I was primarily a content creator, and while of course I had backups of all my art and some of my longer text posts, I lost so much more.

I lost, perhaps most importantly, all my interactions with my followers. I lost connections to so many people, people I hadn’t contacted in years and may not have even been active anymore, but who I always believed I would have this route back to. I lost memories, both online and of my personal life that I had recorded on here.

And as someone who unfortunately put so much of my identity and self-validation on my social media experience, I suddenly felt like I was absolutely nothing.

For the longest time, I thought I was su*cidal as a result of my depression (word bleeped out bc who knows what can get you flagged now). I certainly thought about death and dying daily.

But then, I realized what I was feeling wasn’t quite that. I didn’t feel like I wanted to die.

I felt like I was already dead.

Which, may sound like an exaggeration, but in terms of tumblr at least, it’s exactly the same. If I had died in rl, I would have dropped off the map, just like this. Suddenly stopped posting, no warning in advance. My blog may have existed, but in this case, no record of my existence even remained. To people who came looking for my url, I may as well have been dead. You wouldn’t have known any better.

Or who knows, maybe I was a criminal or had done something awful that resulted in my blog being removed. Maybe I had just had it with this site and had chosen to leave. Maybe I was just taking a much needed break. It would have been odd, since I prioritized communicating and always said when I needed a break, which was rarely ever. But either way, I had no way of telling any of you what had happened to me. My voice was gone.

Feeling like I was dead, after I recognized what I was feeling, was...disturbing, I guess. Kinda explained why I always felt like a corpse though.

(of course, feeling like I was dead contributed to thinking other things like maybe it’d be better if I really wasn’t around at all, but that’s a result, and not the main feeling.)

Anyway, I kept emailing staff, and I finally managed to come back. It took ten emails and over 2 months of waiting and wasting away and trying to come to terms with how I’m unlikely to get it back. I didn’t get my blog back until TODAY.

Now that I have come back, the landscape’s changed, as I had heard it had. They hadn’t even announced the adu*t content policy change when they terminated me. I honestly feel like I’m back in a world that’s moved on without me, and it’s made me feel very strongly how insignificant I was in the first place.

During my time being dead, I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do. I regretted not doing my 25K follower giveaway sooner. I regretted not getting this or that content out. I regretted having kept certain long text posts and ask responses in my drafts yet unpublished.

But more than anything, I regretted not being able to say goodbye, and thank you all for my time here.

Yes, it’s had ups and downs, but tumblr was where I first found myself as an artist. Tumblr was what first made me interact with and find a group of people interested in what I created. Tumblr was where I was able to interact with those people, you. And I know I’ve had my ups and downs too, and different fandoms and different moods, but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for letting me be a part of your experience here, however big or small that experience may have been.

I also learned the dangers of immersing myself too deeply on one online platform. So much of myself had been poured into this one blog, this one blog that can disappear with a legit snap of staff’s fingers. (my twitter handle was “Got Thanos’d on Tumblr” for a good month lol) I used to think that’s what made my content valuable, that I poured so much love and thought and everything personal into it, that’s what made it special, but in the end oh so very damaging when it was ripped away. As someone who spent almost all my time online creating content, it was an awful reality pill I had to swallow, and I don’t want ANYONE experiencing the same thing I did.

So please. The takeaway here, if I can be a cautionary tale, is to be aware that an online identity is more unstable than you think it is. It can go POOF. I’m lucky to be here, and that staff finally responded, and that I had the masochism to continue emailing staff weekly no matter how much I felt like I should stop breathing afterwards.

Also, please, if you have people on this site you care about, whether it be a friend or someone you think is neat, anyone you will miss if they suddenly disappeared, please go connect with them in other places beyond this site, which may become increasingly unstable. This can be another social media if they have it, an email, a chatting platform, anything. Even if you personally don’t use it yet, create an account so you can find them when you can no longer access your account, or they can’t access theirs and they can find you. Don’t regret it like I did.

As for me, after all of this, I don’t know if I can post content on here again.

I’d gone well beyond hoping for another chance at this community. All I’ve been thinking about these past two months was how I would have wanted to say goodbye.

Now that I have my account back, I’m currently filled with more numbness and bitterness than any joy or relief. I don’t know if I can create content anymore for a platform that has hurt me so deeply, no matter how much its community means to me. This experience changed me, and I’ve taken damage that isn’t going to go away so easily.

As I think about what to do moving forward, for now, you can find me on my accounts that I WAS active on these past two months. They aren’t the same, but they were all I had.

If you read this message until the end, thank you.

Again, I might decide to post on here again. I might not. But for now, here’s again what I’ve been wanting to say for two months:

Thank you, Tumblr. And goodbye.

-Kazu

(yukipri.tumblr.com)

https://twitter.com/YukiPri_Art

https://www.patreon.com/YukiPri

[babyybitchhh]

Shikamaru or Senku?

Damn, anon. You really just came for my throat like that. I don’t know what I’ve done to hurt you but, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I swear it won’t happen again. 🤧

Okay, okay. All jokes aside. This is a real toughie and I’m gonna have to reveal just how much of a dumb bitch I really am to explain my answer. Yes, I fall back on the zodiac to fill in any gaps in characterization and determine just how compatible I actually am with fictional men. Sue me. As per usual, this post got a bit away from me so if you want to skip down to the TL;DR for my final answer, please do. I encourage it, actually. lol 

Ishigami Senkuu

January 4th - Capricorn

Strengths: leadership, responsible, disciplined, self-control, good managers

Weaknesses: lack of compassion, know-it-all, unforgiving, condescending, expecting the worst

“Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives. They are masters of self control and have the ability to lead the way, make solid and realistic plans, and manage many people who work for them at any time. They will learn from their mistakes and get to the top based solely on their experience or expertise.”

“Known for their rational approach to life and their emotions are often well hidden from plain view. Not only is it imperative for them to stick to the realm of absolute intimacy to open their heart for someone but they are often not fully aware of their feelings before hardships occur. This will put pressure on their love life as they have to make a strict and specific equation out of everything, distancing them from carefree and smiling partners who wish to have fun in a relationship.”

“There is nothing easy in the love life of these individuals but they will not see this as the end of the world. They have enough passion and warmth carried within and if mutual respect is found and strong boundaries respected both ways, they will be prepared to let someone into their world and protect them with their shield.”

“As an earth sign, Capricorn has a powerful and instinctive sensuality which expresses itself in a straightforward and natural way without the need for props, frills or adornment. Is it somewhat bereft of romance? Well maybe, but what Capricorn lacks in the way of sentimentality, it more than makes up for in terms of responsibility and discretion ... once it overcomes its initial reserve and caution, it can usually be relied upon to give full satisfaction, no matter how long it takes. As with most other things in its life, Capricorn prefers to take its time over its lovemaking, and its highly developed self-control gives it the stamina to stay the course.”

Nara Shikamaru

September 22 - Virgo

Strengths: pure emotion, loyal, analytical, kind, hardworking, practical

Weaknesses: sensitive to toxic environments, shyness, worry, overly critical of self and others, all work and no play

“Virgo’s are always paying attention to the smallest details and their deep sense of humanity makes them one of the most careful of the zodiac. Their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is left to chance and although they are often tender, their heart might be closed for the outer world. This is a sign often misunderstood, not because they lack the ability to express but because they won’t accept their feelings as valid, true or even relevant when opposed to reason.”

“Feelings of love and life may be a bit like ocean waves that move with the current. With so much water flowing through their primal nature, their rational mind will easily fade around those that touch their heart. This makes them vulnerable to all sorts of betrayals and wrong compromises along the way. They need to be stable and firm in understanding and deciphering their own feelings before anyone else’s or they might lower their guard too far down.”

“They need a partner who is as fragile as they are but also someone who is aware of the strength of their emotional world.”

“ Many Virgos aren’t particularly comfortable with demonstrative displays of emotion or dramatic, over-the-top outbursts. Normally quite shy by nature, they prefer to express their affection in tangible, down-to-earth ways: love for them is about actions, not just empty words. Big worriers who don’t find it easy to show their feelings, Virgos are prone to internalizing their anxieties about their physical desirability – frequently making themselves ill in the process – and can often be a bit uptight around sex. To balance this, they need lots of reassurance that they’re actually perfectly okay!”

Now ... y’all can correct me if I’m wrong, but that all sounds pretty spot on to me. Like, it’s accurate. I’ve mentioned this a few times when replying to comments on my Dr Stone fics, but I really enjoy how nuanced Senkuu is because there’s a lot going on under the surface of his cool facade. He’s very task-oriented and objective about what needs to be done, but he’s also extremely sympathetic towards others even if he tries to play it off. It seems hard for him to be honest about his feelings because, frankly, they’re not rational enough for his liking, so he tries to find ways to justify them. On the flip side, Shikamaru is a little similar with his cool, objective-oriented outer shell but he’s conversely quite sensitive. Like, hella sensitive. That boy is not anywhere near as tough or impenetrable as he acts and I do think at least part of that is a defense mechanism of some sort to shield his heart, even before Asuma died but especially afterward. They’re both tough to penetrate emotionally and they guard their true feelings so well that it actually does manage to fool people. I mean both the characters around them and also the fans watching at home. So at this point, there doesn’t seem to be a conclusive winner and it should come down to a simple matter of preference, right?

Well, let’s see what the stars have to say about throwing a Leo into the mix.

Capricorn + Leo

“... have one thing in common and it’s their awareness of self. It will be a rare occasion when Leo is attracted to Capricorn but the other way around seems more probable.”

“Both are extremely devoted, especially to each other. Although they may seem to be an unlikely couple on the surface, their love will grow as they discover similarities.”

“Like Barbie and Ken, you’re a good looking pair ... your shared love of achievement and impressive ambition sends power couple fantasies running through your heads. If you’re out to conquer the same goal, your combined skills make you quite an awesome force to behold.”

“The physical intimacy between a Leo and a Capricorn is where this mismatched couple can come together. Leo is hot, physical, feminine, [and] enjoys giving pleasure. In a day to day life, Capricorn is reserved and proper but when it comes to sex, he wants it wild, woolly, rough and tumble. Lucky for him, Leo has a similar sexual appetite. It’s in bed where Leo has the power to make customarily reserved Capricorn throw caution to the wind and become a bit crazy in love.”

“What you’ve got here is one sign with a forensic eye for detail and another who paints with an incredibly broad brushstroke. The possibility of driving each other crazy is real.”

“Capricorn is more likely to be attracted to Leo than the other way around - they’ll watch the lion prance, preform and captivate with their personality and either instantly dislike or feel uncomfortably drawn to them.”

The good: both seek success, Capricorn teaches Leo patience, Leo teaches Capricorn passion

The bad: Leo thinks Capricorn is a cold fish, Capricorn thinks Leo is a show off, it all gets too hard to compromise

Virgo + Leo

“Their rationality might turn into an intellectual battle for sexual dominance, that is, if they ever reach the point in which they both want to have sex with each other.”

“Leo shows Virgo good times and fun, and introduces the spontaneity that is often missing from Virgo’s life. Virgo teaches Leo patience and focuses their intellectual energy.”

“Leo plays cheerleader to pessimistic Virgo while levelheaded Virgo steps into the therapists role, mirroring Leo’s angst until a breakthrough is reached. This is a safe emotional harbor for both of you.”

“Virgo and Leo see their time together in bed as a celebration of their love and commitment. Both are hopeless romantics so there will be plenty of physical foreplay, including morning kisses, long evening embraces, candles, flowers, and massages. A creative and open minded Leo is always willing to try something new and Virgo, who is no prude either, will be a willing follower. Together these two can reach sexual heights they’ve never experienced before.”

“A comedy of errors ...Leo and Virgo are forever working through misunderstandings and mending communication fences. Often it’s as if they speak different languages.”

“Leo pounces and Virgo, invariably, plays hard to get, rebuffing the lion and appearing completely underwhelmed by their charms. This of course drives Leo into a frenzy of heightened passion - they pull out their A game and deliver super hot maneuvers. The funny thing is that such scenarios are usually Virgo devised and orchestrated. They’ve probably observed the flamboyant lion in action - noted that everyone submits to their charisma and decided to go in the opposite direction. If played correctly Leo becomes a lovesick pussy cat ...”

“Virgo is a bit of a tease - for much of the “falling in Love” phase they love-starve Leo who shamelessly begs for morsels of affection. It actually makes the attraction between them electric.”

The good: Virgo teaches Leo patience, Leo teaches Virgo to have fun, they are fascinated by each other

The bad: messy Leo drives neat freak Virgo crazy, negative Virgo brings Leo down, poor communication abounds

So ... what did we take from all that? Well, first of all, both of them are apparently going to teach me patience which I admit I sorely need. Conversely, I’d bring passion, fun and spontaneity to their lives. On one hand, Senkuu seems like he’d be much more drawn to me than Shikamaru because even though I do stay drinking my dumb bitch juice, we have similar driving forces in our lives and I’m not a complete idiot. I love science, especially when it comes to learning about space and how the world works, just not the mathematical portion. That part can eat my ass tbh. On the other hand though, if Shikamaru and I could sort of find a common ground to stand on it sounds like it would be a very healthy relationship for the both of us which I need so badly it’s kind of not funny. Like, I’m self-aware enough to realize what I need out of a hypothetical relationship and it (unfortunately) is the kind of emotional connection that facilitates healing and growth rather than stagnation. I don’t think either of them would just sit there and watch me flounder in my angst, as one of those quotes put it, but everything is pointing at Shikamaru being much more well equipped to tackle the problem while simultaneously needing the same in return, which I would be more than happy to give him.

TL;DR: I actually cannot pick between them. I just can’t do it. I love them both for strangely similar but also drastically different reasons and, objectively, I can’t say I like one more than the other. Both give me soft, doki doki feelings that I don’t know what to do with and even after thinking on it for about two hours, I’m incapable of saying with definitive certainty that I like one more. So all I can go off of is what the zodiac has to say about our compatibility which is pointing at both potential relationships being rocky with their ups and downs, but Shikamaru being the more sensitive of the two comes out the winner in the end. That’s not to say I wouldn’t work with Senkuu to truly become the power couple we both secretly crave, but I know my emotions can get away from me at times and it seems to me that Shikamaru would be a smidge more understanding in that department. 

I realize this definitely isn’t the answer you were expecting, anon, and I absolutely considered scrapping this whole post more than once. lol But I didn’t want to shrug off the question just because I couldn’t decide which of them I liked more. Anyway, for the sake of posterity, here’s what the zodiac has to say about me for comparison. 

August 7th - Leo

Strengths: Energetic, creative, passionate, generous, warm-hearted, cheerful, humorous

Weaknesses: Hasty, arrogant, stubborn, self-centered, lazy, inflexible

“Love is the focus point of these individuals, and while their intellectual and instinctive sides are the first ones to show, we will see that they seek someone equal, to share their inner states with. They need a lot of support and a calm partner that soothes their Soul, someone quiet enough and intimate enough to feel safe with. Easy to detach from reality and our planet Earth, their relationships either speak of the unseen and the impossible or present a safe haven where their bodies can rest, and their routine can be brought to balance.”

“Open for new things and often ready to openly show their sexuality, they need a fine touch of love they are worthy of in this lifetime. Romance can be obstructed by their need to prove a point or become the image of something they admire, but as they get closer to their inner truth and become aware of their talents and potentials, they invite the right partner to be within a strangely peaceful union. Although they sometimes stand opposed to marriage and structures and forms that put any relationship in a drawer, they will gladly commit to the right person by their side, in all those surprising and unusual ways.”

“This Fire sign is passionate and sincere and its representatives show their feelings with ease and clarity. When in love, they are fun, loyal, respectful and very generous towards their loved one. They will take the role of a leader in any relationship, and strongly rely on their need for independence and initiative. This can be tiring for their partner at times, especially if they start imposing their will and organizing things that aren't theirs to organize in the first place. Each Leo needs a partner who is self-aware, reasonable and on the same intellectual level as them. Their partner also has to feel free to express and fight for themselves, or too much light from their Leo's Sun might burn their own personality down.”

“Sex life of each Leo is an adventure, fun and very energetic. This is someone who has a clear understanding of boundaries between sex and love, but might fail to see how important intimacy and emotional connection is to the quality of their sex life. Every Leo needs a partner to fight through their awareness and reach their sensitive, subconscious core, in order to find true satisfaction in a meaningful relationship.”

(Spoiler alert: this is all true, except the part about taking on the role of leader in relationships. I genuinely love being dominated in bed, but only if I deem my partner worthy or adequate enough to get the job done. Other than that though, I can’t say any part of this is horribly incorrect. Oops. : / )

[moiraineswife]

Ep 55 Caleb Meta

Warning: This post will contain a)- Spoilers for episode 55. If you haven’t seen it yet BEGONE. b)- Angst. Bc. Caleb. c)- yelling. if u haven’t worked out already: these posts are not planned. these posts are not thought-through. these posts are not edited. these posts are a stream of consciousness shrieking at the void that is u lot. Enjoy. 

So. Uh. That episode was like..................A lot. Lots to unpack. LOTS. So I’m just going to touch on Caleb and the very specific niche deliciousness of him being completely and utterly retraumatised in that episode and how it may or may not pan out in future. 

Meta under the cut bc it got Long. 

So, DIVING IN: the nature of trauma in itself is repetition. Nightmares, flashbacks (of all their various forms) are ways in which the trauma itself repeats. Basically your brain Cannot Cope with what’s happened so it tries to just put you through the same thing over and over again like process this please. 

Caleb has been dealing with that for at least a decade since the original trauma took place. Then we pile on the (highly symbolic and super-interesting in a really fucked up way bit of magic that is Modify Memory (i assume) which I have to meta on more in future) which is effectively a false memory that was removed (that his parents were guilty/in his twisted-logic mind deserved what they got) which makes a very interesting mirror for suppressed memories (again: big trauma thing. In which your brain Cannot Cope so hard it just blots the bad memory out of existence entirely) so he’s a whole mess of being trapped in an endless cycle of his horrible past (PTSD is a Trip, y’all). 

This is...An echo of that but it’s something new. It’s very much the same KIND of thing, so it plays in to the trauma-repetition, but it’s a new incarnation of it. History repeating itself, etc, etc, delicious irony, all that great stuff fiction-creators live for.  

It’s going to be deeply upsetting for Caleb. (No shit, Taryn). But it so beautifully, and terribly, feeds in to his deep-rooted fears that he is a toxic person, and that those around him are destined to get hurt (by him, not by him, it doesn’t really matter to the guilt brain, it’s all just fuel for that fire). 

For example: Liam spoke on Talks about how, regarding Molly’s death, Caleb almost expected it because yup, that seems about right, par for the course. It’s one of the big reasons he’s been extremely reluctant to let the Mighty Nein get close to him (he’s directly said this in canon at this point, in his conversation with Beau). 

He feels dangerous. He sees himself as dangerous. Partly because he sees himself as being constantly in danger, and by extension, those around him are also in danger. That’s external. 

The internal part of him has been screaming ‘you killed the two people who loved you the most in the world in an unprovoked attack because you’re a monster’ for over a decade at this point. Not only does he not deserve any of these people, he feels like he’s destined to hurt them, no matter what he does, or how hard he tries. 

This, uh, reinforces that in a very deep, obvious, and painful way. Not to mention the fact that, not only did he hurt them he hurt them with fire. Again. So it’s almost exactly the same pattern of shit coming back to haunt him for a second time: 

Trent: Mental manipulation magic - fire - dead loved ones  Demon: mental manipulation magic - fire - nearly dead loved ones. 

It’s Bad. It’s Real Bad. That boy is going to have the panic attack of his life when he recovers from the immediate adrenaline rush of the fight. It’s not going to be pretty. 

It’s going to drive home everything that little voice inside his head that sounds like Trent has been telling him since he joined these people. It’s going to undo all the struggle it’s taken to ignore that voice up to this point because don’t you see what happens when you get close to people? They can be used against you. You can be used against them. They become your weakness and you become weak because you care. Because this hurts. And if you were stronger, and smarter, then it wouldn’t... etc etc etc. *insert emotionally manipulative bullshit here* 

BUT! 

I actually think this could actually be good for him in a really weird way? 

Hear me out: 

Caleb has been living in a trauma loop for over ten years at this point. He’s been going over the same memories again and again and again, but he hasn’t done anything with them. He hasn’t actually fully processed what happened to him. And, and this is the biggest part: he hasn’t had anyone to push against. 

It takes a lot to recognise abuse. It takes a lot in the modern world when there are phones, helplines, the internet and, let’s be honest: awareness. There are words for these experiences and there’s more chance of, accidentally or deliberately, stumbling across help out there that can look at a situation from an outside perspective and go: this is fucked up. 

This is what Caleb needs. 

On his own it’s almost impossible for him to recognise what was done to him and fully process it and begin to heal from it in a healthy way. Caleb has not actually started the process of recovery for anything that happened to him yet because Caleb does not yet recognise/understand what there is to process/recover from. 

In Caleb’s mind, he is a monster. He did an unforgivable thing because he believed his parents deserved it as they were traitors. He broke because he was not strong enough to handle what he’d done. He was sent to an asylum and since escaping he’s just been afraid. That’s the only emotion he’s got towards Trent right now: fear. And it’s suppressing all logic, self-awareness, and the ability to think rationally about what went on. 

Caleb was abused. Caleb was manipulated, mentally, emotionally, and magically. Caleb was a vulnerable kid who was deliberately chosen, carefully groomed, and then skilfully brainwashed by a figure with an enormous amount of literal and emotional power over him. Caleb was abused. 

Caleb does not see this. 

Caleb does not recognise that he was abused. 

And I think this is where a lot of issues with Caleb kinda stem from in fandom? Because people look at him and just...How can he NOT understand that he was manipulated. Huh. Maybe he wasn’t. Because it’s just that damned obvious how could he not understand this? 

Abusers rely on that. Abusers rely on their victims not understanding what they’re doing to them. Particularly when their victims are young, with relatively little real-world experience, and absolutely no grounding/preparation to recognise or combat any of this, in a society that is more accepting of the kind of teaching that radicalised Caleb than most are. 

Caleb needs an outside perspective to look at what he went through and go ‘you know that’s fucked up, right?’ He’s kind of had that from Beau and Nott but not enough. Someone has to sit him down and go through every piece of what happened and be like ‘this is not okay’ ‘what he did to you was not okay’ ‘this is called abuse’ and then consistently validate those experiences until he understands. 

Caleb has over ten years of trauma to process and unlearn. That...That does not happen overnight. That does not happen because your new friend looks at you and goes ‘yeah that was fucked up, dude’ and suddenly it all crystallises in your mind and becomes clear. That takes work. And effort. And a willingness to feel something beyond fear for your abuser and Caleb is Not There yet. 

What this last fight does, though, is open up the possibility of Caleb starting to accept this a little bit. 

Jester: “What the fuck, Caleb?” 

Caleb: “I am sorry...They got inside my head.” 

This is actually....Kinda huge for Caleb? Actually it’s kinda massive. This is Caleb experiencing a trauma incredibly similar to what he went through when he was younger (but on a much smaller scale, with far less dire outcomes) and being able to look at it and, still apologise, but explain that he was not in control of himself, and that ‘they got inside his head’. 

This is the step he needs to take with Trent, too, this is the same admission that he needs to make to himself, and this is the first step that has to happen before he can even begin to start processing and healing his trauma. And he needs help with that. 

This is not the part where I say I expect the mighty nein to become Caleb’s therapists. But they can be friends, they can be a support network, but most importantly: they can be an outside perspective. 

They can’t process his trauma for him. They can’t work through his issues for him. They can’t take away any of his grief, or his guilt, or his pain, or his PTSD. They can’t make what Trent did go away. But they can point it out. 

They can raise a red flag. They can point it out and say ‘this is not okay’. They can put a name to it. They can validate it. They can do the things that Caleb cannot do himself, which is look at what happened and be able to acknowledge, without the burden of guilt, and the fact that it’s so much easier to blame, and hurt, and punish himself than a figure he’s terrified of, and say that it was not okay, and explain to him what happened. 

They can help him acknowledge his abuse and then he can start to help himself heal from it. 

But this fight is, essentially, a microcosm of Caleb’s past. And I hope that if (when, please god when) the mighty nein, who were all either a)- directly charmed themselves, or b)- resisted the effect but were aware of its intentions and capabilities, do not react the way Caleb expects them to react (ie: the way he reacted to himself) with anger, and hatred, and blame, that’s going to start unlocking things. 

I don’t expect a massive breakthrough next episode, don’t get me wrong, this is going to be a long, careful, painful process. But I think even the acknowledgement that someone affected that way by magic, or by emotional abuse, is not themselves, and is not, ultimately, to blame for what they may have done (or weak/somehow complicit in ‘allowing’ themselves to be targeted/victimised) is going to prove a really big thing for Caleb in the future. 

Just that acknowledgement that they don’t blame him for what happened, that they understand he wasn’t himself, and that it wasn’t within his control to stop what was happening could, I think, prove huge in terms of his recovery further down the line... 

TL;DR: Caleb experienced his past again on a much smaller scale with this fight, but having the party around him to react to him/it and reach out to him, and tell him it’s okay and that they don’t blame him will do A Lot for unlocking his potential recognition of abuse and recovery down the line. 

[uncloseted]

Skins and the Enneagram: Generation 1

Hi guys!  I’ve been wanting to do a series where I talk about each Skins character and their Enneagram type so that we can delve into what personally motivates them and what their emotional journeys are like.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Enneagram is a model of the human personality, similar to the MBTI, which is a typology of nine interconnected personality types that focus on a person’s basic fear, basic desire, and personal motivations.  Let me know what you think of my analysis of the characters and let me know if you like this kind of content!  I’ve been having fun doing them.  

So! Starting with Generation 1, here we go:

Tony: 8w7.  Tony is a classic 8; ambitious, competitive, and motivated by power.  8s are self-assertive and want other people to give them their way immediately, a mode of being we often see Tony express.  He competes for sexual dominance and rarely compares himself to others.  He’s a true leader who wants to make the world (and his friends) conform to his personal vision of how things should be.  He wants to be the most powerful, to have a large impact, to build and accomplish great things.  He’s ruthless when people get in his way and has a large ego.  He fears being harmed or controlled by others, and spends much of his time trying to protect himself from anyone else being in charge.  He has trouble with his temper and with allowing himself to be vulnerable, even among friends, instead opting to be domineering and to control them.  His main motivations are self-reliance, proving his strengths, and to stay in control of his environment and those around him.  He seeks out challenges and enjoys proving that he can get whatever he wants (which we see when he dumps Michelle and then tries to get her back, confident that it doesn’t matter what he does because she’ll always come back to him).  When we first meet Tony, he has complete and total control of his environment and everyone else around him, able to manipulate people to do his bidding.  However, like many 8s find, this comes with consequences; the price of their control is typically losing emotional contact with the people in their lives.  Their friends become dissatisfied with the state of affairs, causing them to distance themselves from their 8 friend, and in return 8s feel misunderstood and distance themselves further until they are completely alone, which we see at the end of series 1.  Tony becomes blocked in his ability to connect with people or to love, and only by being hit by a bus, losing all his power and control, does he finally learn how to connect with people on a real, emotional level again.  Instead of being domineering and controlling, he becomes a true leader, looking after the interests of the people in his life and helping them achieve what they want.

Sid: 9w8. Sid is an unhealthy 9.  Sid is accepting, trusting, and stable, but also too willing to go along with other, more dominant types to keep the peace.  We see this a lot in his relationship with Tony, who frequently steamrolls over what Sid wants or need, and who Sid allows to do so because he’d rather have Tony as his friend than his enemy.  9s frequently have problems with inertia and with stubbornness, which is Sid through and through.  He finds it hard to begin and complete projects, even when his life as he knows it depends on it (for example, we learn in his series 1 episode that he almost never does his homework, and even after he’s threatened by his parents, he still doesn’t complete it).  It sometimes seems that he’s lacking an identity of his own, rather taking on the identities of those around him.  Sid is often tempted to ignore the disturbing aspects of life and to seek peace through “numbing out” instead of facing his problems head-on.  He attempts to find simple, painless solutions to his problems, but that’s not always possible.  He idealizes Tony and goes along with Tony’s wishes, even saying yes to things he doesn’t want to do to avoid conflict, which is a very 9 trait.  Through the series, Sid learns how to confront his problems head on and to chase what he wants.  He finally confronts Tony about his bad behavior, tells Cassie how he feels about her, and eventually yells at Cassie for her bad behavior as well.  He learns to chase after what he wants and to be proactive, finally culminating in going to New York to find Cassie, something he never would have been able to do in series 1.

Cassie: 2w3 Cassie is a strong but unhealthy 2w3.  Her greatest fear is that she is unwanted or unworthy of love, which stems from her parents’ neglect. As a result, she seeks out love elsewhere, from everyone she can.  She’ll make friends with the taxi driver, the security guard, the guy at the fish and chips shop…. it doesn’t matter, as long as they’re willing to validate her.  She can be manipulative and self-serving, making other people feel guilty about the way they treat her.  At her worst, she looks for validation through sexual relationships with random people, and she becomes vindictive.  She excuses and rationalizes ruining other people’s lives because she feels abused and victimized by other people.  At her best, though, she’s unconditionally loving, empathetic, and compassionate.  She cares about other people and their needs, and she’ll do whatever she can to help them out.  Some people would be tempted to say that Cassie is a 4, but I think that’s a mistake.  She knows who she is and has a very strong identity, even though it makes other people think that she’s odd sometimes, and it’s something she can’t get rid of even though I think she’d like to.  There are two other giveaways; twos move towards others and excessive engage them, versus fours who withdraw from others.  And twos tend to be highly aware of other people’s feelings but not so in tune with their own motivations and needs, which is very much Cassie. Michelle: 3w2.  Michelle is driven towards success and accomplishment. She wants to feel like she’s valuable and worthwhile, something that she clearly struggles with (“[universities] won’t have me….I’m just the brainless, pretty girl”).  Because of that, she needs a lot of external validation, which comes from Tony.  She needs attention, to be admired, and to impress other people, which she gets through her looks and sexuality.  She has the potential to do great things in the world, but first she needs to be able to recognize her own value, and that’s really the journey we see her on in the series.  Originally she’s just a plaything for Tony, but at the end of the series she’s someone who commands respect, knows her own value, and won’t let anyone else take that away from her.

Jal: 6w5. 6s are security-oriented and committed.  They are reliable, hardworking, responsible, and trustworthy.  To me, this is very much Jal.  When we meet her, we’re told that she’s committed to her studies and her clarinet, and that she’s the problem solver and rock of the group.  She’s very loyal to the group and to her friends, even when she maybe shouldn’t be, because she’s afraid of being abandoned and losing her social support. Throughout her story, she seeks security and support, which she doesn’t get much of at home.  She thinks that if she just studies harder and plays the clarinet better, she’ll achieve the stability that she’s been searching for, but that’s not the case. Her biggest struggle in the series is that she always says no to things- she doesn’t want to endanger the stability she’s achieved in any way, and so it’s easier to not do anything new.  In her relationship with Chris, we see that she trusts him to be part of that life for her; that she expects him to be stable.  And when he isn’t, that’s a real problem for their relationship.  As she grows throughout the series, she becomes more okay with the unexpected.

Chris: 7w6.  Chris is a classic 7.  He’s extroverted, constantly optimistic, playful, high-spirited, and enthusiastic about pretty much everything.  He approaches life with curiosity, optimism, and adventure, and has a “kid in the candy store” approach to everything, even that which other people would find mundane.  Like many 7s, Chris has a lot of curiosity and an ability to learn quickly, which is how he talks himself into so many different jobs in his series 2 episode. But this also causes problems for him; he has trouble committing to one job (or one person), and his need for in-the-moment stimulation often overcomes his long-term needs.  The Enneagram Institute says that 7s are “Renaissance people” and that fits Chris to a T.  When he’s at the career center, he even asks Josie if describing himself as a “Renaissance man” sounds a bit wanky.  Chris describes his central conflict as this: “It was good. Then things started going wrong. Then someone else escaped. The gravity holding us together was gone. We were floating in space. It's kinda easy when you've got nothing, because... nothing can't be taken away from you.  I was perfectly happy killing myself, but then you asked me to try, and for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit and that person was worth trying for.”  He’s constantly on the go because he feels like he doesn’t know how to make choices that are beneficial to himself or others; he’s always chasing the next thing because he’s afraid of being deprived and in pain, the way he was when his family fell apart.  He’s afraid that if he settles down, everything will fall apart again, and so he stays on the go.  What’s interesting is how this interacts with his 6 wing- 6s are constantly seeking stability, and ultimately, stability is what Chris wants.  He wants someone to care, to be worth trying for, who won’t leave him.  It’s also what makes his relationship with Jal so interesting- she’s a 6 and so she’s constantly seeking stability.  Their relationship works because at their core they both really want a stable life with one another.  Their “fuck it/no” pact is also classic Enneagram 6/7.  6s have a heightened sense of responsibility and don’t let themselves “goof off” until all their obligations have been met.  7s are spontaneous and resist having any expectations put on them.  In the end, Chris realizes that there’s a way to channel his love for life in a way that’s compatible with settling down with Jal, and that he doesn’t need to be completely free of expectation in order to be happy.

Maxxie: 4w3.  We don’t get quite as much insight into Maxxie’s life as we do other characters, but I think it’s safe to say that Maxxie is a healthy 4.  4s are looking to understand themselves and their purpose in life, and are idealistic, empathetic, and sincere.  They’re also a very creative type, and they usually express their feelings through art (Maxxie draws, dances, and acts).  However, he can also be moody, self absorbed, and melancholy, as we see in the Russia episode when he and Anwar are fighting. As the series progresses, he learns to trust himself and to be secure in his identity, and eventually pursues his passions.

Anwar: 7w6.  Anwar is a character that’s sort of hard to type because his personality stays relatively stagnant throughout the duration of the show.  When the show starts, he’s immature and fixated on getting laid as much as possible.  He maintains his family’s traditions but at the same time is out partying and going against what his religion dictates.  He’s very much a hypocrite, going against what his religion says when it suits him but uncomfortable with it when other people do the same.  He’s self-indulgent and ultimately, it seems like he’s chasing the next thing so that he doesn’t have to sit down and consider his own personal choices and what he actually wants.  At the end of series 2, we finally see Anwar make some personal progress; he realizes that if he doesn’t stop and think about what he wants, he’ll be left behind.  But we don’t get to see the conclusion of that, which I think is disappointing.

[death-burst]

@zombiemarydaly​ I looked at all the threads you tagged me in. That was a lot of stuff to read, and so I had a lot of things to say about it and this became a pretty huge post, so I’ll start with the conclusion. (I haven’t read your latest reply on the original thread yet, I’m going to do it now.)

First, I want to say I appreciate the effort, both the time spent to send me the resources, and the willingness to discuss.

Second, I learned a few things, but the majority of what you sent, I had already seen it. The notable exception is the 5th one, which seems to be real academic work, but which sadly I’m not competent enough to judge. I’ll try to pass it forward to someone else (more competent than me) and ask for their opinion, but understand my situation: there are academic works on both side of the debate, a lot of experts whose full-time job it is to study these questions. And I don’t have the skills nor the time to judge their work, again, we’re talking about many well-educated people working full time on that on each side. So at the end of the day, the only thing I can really do is choosing which expert to trust. And I’m fully aware that this is dangerous, that I’m more likely to choose the people that reinforce and validate my pre-existing, and potentially subconscious, prejudice. Still, that’s the best I can do, and it’s much better than just listening to whichever post has the best punchline or the more viral slogan.

And so I’m gonna simplify a lot, but basically, I’ve found two schools of thought. Inter-sectional versus radical feminism, “libfem” vs “TERF”, as they like to call each other. And, I’m talking about trends, of course there are a lot of exceptions, but from my personal experience, people with an inter-sectional approach have a consistently more complete, pragmatic and nuanced understanding of the problems, whereas radical people have found a hammer and are trying to make all the issues into nails, and usually resort to misrepresenting the other side to do so. From my own experience, inter-sectional feminists often say stuff like “it’s complicated but here’s what we can do to improve the situation: [concrete simple measure]”, while radicals say “it’s simple, if only you’d just listen to me: [huge revolution with no concrete plan]”. It’s not always like that, but that’s the trend I noticed.

And so I decided to trust the inter-sectional side. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just rationalizing my own prejudice. But at the end of the day, if star-anise says one thing and radicallyaligned say the opposite, both citing a dozen academic sources that seems credible at first glance and that I don’t have time nor skills to read in full myself, well... I’m gonna believe star-anise. Which does NOT mean I’m gonna blindly believe anything she says or blindly reject anything radicallyaligned says, just because of the labels. But when they are in disagreement? When they say the opposite of each other? I’ll go the inter-sectional way.

_________

In chronological order of when you tagged me:

[EDIT: should probably put the rest under the cut, since external people don’t know what I’m referencing...]

1. An alleged “libfem” was an asshole to an alleged “former prostitute radfem”. What’s that supposed to show? That there are assholes among libfems? Sure, never denied that. Does it say anything about the movements in general?

2a. The “bloopers” thread and 2b. “Footage the porn industry doesn’t want you to see” video It’s confusing trafficking victims and sex workers, as usual. The thread says it explicitly “This meets the US federal criteria for human trafficking, btw.” And yes, it does. No one among the inter-sectional feminists I follow is defending that. The declaration in the video also calls for “actually enforcing the law or shutting down the industry”, and, well, yeah, everyone I know on my side of the debate is also calling for that. Laws shouldn’t just be empty words, they should be enforced, and being shut down is a well-deserved consequence if you don’t respect the law, and what’s shown in the video probably deserves criminal charges on top. But the difference between our two approaches is that anti-sex-work feminists believe a blanket ban on sex work will make this kind of abuse and trafficking disappear, and this is just wishful thinking. There ARE ALREADY laws against this kind of stuff. What makes you think yet another law added to the pile will be magically enforced when the previous one haven’t been?

(Also note that the video itself calls for enforcement first, and shutdown as an alternative if enforcement is not possible, “just like any other workplace”. Her own words, not mine. That’s not a pro-abolition declaration AT ALL.)

3. Women sexualized in music videos: the link is behind a paywall, but I believe I already saw this video elsewhere. And if it’s actually the one I’m thinking about, I agree with it, for what I can remember. But I disagree that it makes an argument against sex work in general.

Also, the OP in this thread, the long post with the fake dialogue, that’s ridiculous. Again, none of the inter-sectional feminists I follow is holding such a stance. Go and have a look at what the other side is *actually* advocating for and why, and you’ll find it’s much closer than what you believe...

4. Testimony about sugar daddies: OK, this one’s complicated. I believe the practice is fundamentally flawed because there is no proper boundary between work and private life, a girl is always “on call”. It’s totally off-the-records and unregulated. I personally don’t support it, and I don’t remember any of the pro-sex-work organizations I’ve looked into voicing an opinion about this practice in particular. I also agree that glamorizing the practice is bad, and glamorizing sex-work in general is bad too. But that doesn’t mean I believe the current social stigma is deserved either.

5. The “good papers” on “sex work”: I don’t have enough time to read all this in its entirety, but I appreciate the links. I’ll see if I can get an opinion from someone more versed than myself on the topic. That being said, I had a look at the 3rd one, which is an actual research paper, and not an opinion piece in a newspaper, and it makes a couple good points, the part about worker safety in particular. It also make a number of fallacies and sophism which make me wary to accept the overall claims blindly (”60% found it’s better, so that means for FORTY PERCENTS IT’S NOT BETTER OMG” --> Yeah, even if you try to make it sound bad, it still means it’s better for the majority of people... And that’s just a quick example, I found 2 others like that with just my quick read). All in all, I’m not an expert on the topic, I’ll try to query people who are, but as it stands, I’m still convinced that legalization and regulation is the most efficient step forward to protect and empower women.

6. Young woman seeing her father’s porn history: as creepy as this situation is, I’m not sure what it’s supposed to say about sex work in general and why you tagged me in it.

7. Porn script vs #MeToo: “What does it mean when pornography, the primary form of sexual education for young people, is indistinguishable from real life sexual abuse of women?” ---> Well, it means Americans should get a bloody sex-ed at school, instead of relying on porn for that, that’s what it means. A bit lower in that same thread, the porn actresses testimonies: as I was saying myself in the other thread, most of this complaints are about bad working and sanitary conditions or their boundaries not being respected. All of this is a clear violations of the laws already in place, so yeah, laws should be enforced. I don’t see how a blanket ban would be easier to enforce, or how it would help the trafficking victims coming forward and asking for help.

Also, if you are worried about the impact of porn on the viewers and society at large (as opposed on the actresses), it’s not a debate on sex work anymore, it’s a debate on censorship. It’s not the industry in California that you need to ban, it’s the porn websites online. And good luck with putting in place ANY form of large scale internet censorship that won’t be abused for other purposes...