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uzurimisery · 4 months

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like real people do. / kageyama tobio / nsfw

wc: 5.5k

Warnings: Kageyama is autistic, smut, fingering, reader has nipple piercings, reader works in A&R for music, reader used to live in brazil, friends to lovers, awkward sex

A/N: experimenting with more awkward/realistic smut and I love my autistic blorbo Kageyama

thank you to @peachyminx and @dervngedgf for beta reading

Kageyama never did understand the way that conversations worked, or were supposed to work. They were winding, circuitous, jumping from place to place. Unstable like a fault line, bursting from tension. The older he got the more he began to have a loose grasp on them. One so faint it slipped from his fingers if there was too much deviation. It hadn’t been easy to get to this point. It took years of failed attempts at making friends, three failed relationships, and a PR manager to get here.

Hardly a gentle climb into social know-how.

There was a script that worked in most situations. The gym, interviews, the grocery store, casuals and quick conversations weren’t altering his normal routine in any major way. He liked things being the normal way.

So why the hell was he in a club? A place that went so far against the normal?

It had been Hirugami’s idea, he said that the team needed to bond more. Kageyama knew it was just a thinly veiled excuse to get drunk on the team’s card.

It was awful— the drinking.

Conversations were bad enough while sober, small talk, social cues being a forge in language, and alcohol just made him feel worse about them. The script was thrown across the room and given to an AI generator that made something worse for him to spit back out.

The pounding music, early 2000s rap, split his head with each drum beat feeling like it was played against his skull. He could smell everything, the foreigners easily able to be picked out from the crowd. The buttons on his navy blue dress shirt had started choking him early so it was now half undone, which he hated. Shirts were meant to have only one, or two, buttons undone depending on the level of formality of the event attending. How many were appropriate for a club? At four buttons down the curve of the underside of his pecs could be seen.

He felt out of place, out of his element, and like a child sitting at the grown-ups' table for the first time and trying to seem mature.

“Tobio!” Nicolas shouted at him from across the booth. “When are you going to bring them around again?”

His face scrunched up. “Why?”

“Because if you’re not going to make a move I am!” Nicolas’ laugh was grating and sharp. “They used to live not far from my parents. A shame it took until now to meet.”

“I thought you were working things out with Maria?” Kageyama had stopped bringing you around after one too many comments on how he was in love with you and afraid to make a move. Something Nicolas harped on him for and took every opportunity to flirt with you in front of him.

“Por que não ambos? Maria doesn’t have to know.” Kageyama hated the smirk that spread across the Brazilian's face. He knew that Nicolas was teasing him, just like he knew Nicolas wasn’t interested in you in the slightest, but it always drove him up the wall.

Wakatoshi cut in, voice steady and flat, as always. As much as Kageyama struggled with conversations he knew Wakatoshi would be right there with him. “I believe we have discussed many times that Kageyama-san has stated he is waiting for a better opportunity to discuss his feelings with them.”

“That’s what he said last week and three months ago and then six months ago.” Sokolov chimed into the conversation now, monkey-like as he usually was, followed by Heiwajima.

“You really should talk to them about it. Either way, you need closure to get past your emotional constipation.”

Kageyama wanted to crawl into a hole. It was bad enough having to figure out his feelings but having them discussed in front of him made him want to jump off the side of Tokyo Tower. His feelings were complicated. Tangled and messy, blending into each other. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to separate them let alone tell you about them.

“Guuys chill, chill,” Hirugami was back with another round of drinks. “Tobio will get to it when pigs fly.” The team busted out laughing. It was humiliating no matter how many times they all poked at him about it. The only way that he’d ever get them to stop was to confess to you.

“Fuck you guys.” He was grumpy now, grumbling into his drink as he took a swig.

The chorus all said they just wanted the best for him, that there was no way you didn’t feel the same way, that it was all in good faith, all stuff to make them feel better about teasing him. He hated being teased.

Maybe if he just told you they’d finally leave him alone about it. You might get distant for a bit but he had faith that you could be friends again down the road.

“If I tell them tonight will you guys leave me alone about it?”

Nicolas’ sly look managed to get worse. “You tell them tonight and I’ll give you ten thousand yen.”

“Deal.”

Slipping his phone out of his front pocket and pulling up your contact information had never felt so stressful. He didn’t need the money, he just wanted to be left alone about this.

To: Best Brazilian

Can you meet me outside Playa Del Sol?

From: Best Brazilian

You’re at a club?

To: Best Brazilian

I wasn’t my idrea

Typing was hard. The heat of all the bodies in the room made his hand slippery.

From: Best Brazilian

Lucky you, I’m just down the street at a gig

>You think you’d be fine to hang out for that? Local band

To: Best Brazilian

As long as it’s not Sean Paul

From: Best Brazilian

Kk see you in 10

Kageyama was, as usual, grateful for your friendship as he excused himself from the group and headed outside to wait for you. More often than not you served as a refuge for him. One of the few people in the world who truly understood him. You didn’t question his mannerisms and need for routine.

Once he had asked if you thought he was weird, as flawed as he felt, and you had looked at him as if the question was stupid and gave a simple ‘no.’

Meeting you had been a deviation from the norm in the best way. Hinata had been visiting and when they were out they bumped into you, surprised since you had been a manager at one of Hinata’s favorite jazz clubs back in Brazil.

Kageyama got lost in the conversation as Hinata and you bounced between English, Portuguese, and Japanese when speaking. You had corrected and steered the conversation to Japanese, seeing Kageyama’s confusion.

Your Japanese was clunky back then, and your mouth still struggling with the syllables at times. More than that, your understanding of pitch accent back then was abysmal.

But that meeting had changed his world, shifted its axis.

Eventually, Hinata’s two-month vacation ended and he left, and Kageyama expected you to leave his orbit too. But you didn’t, you stayed around. It’s been three years and you were still around. And it's been a year since he realised he loved you.

When the night air had started to sink in, sweat from the club finally drying, he saw you round the corner.

Every time he saw you he thought he’d get used to how beautiful you were but he never could. You were bright as the sun, warming him, the rays of your light brushing across his skin promised growth, comfort, and shelter.

Your braids had been half pulled back in some sort of half-updo, two ponytails at the top of your head. He has watched you do them the other week. Or he had been watching before you made him help you since he was sitting there. He didn’t know how to braid at all, but you made him learn. Told him your continued friendship was dependent on it.

He was glad you made him learn though. It gave him an excuse to be in your space, close to you, for hours on end. To touch you without worrying if the amount of contact was normal or not.

“Tobio!” His name always sounded so perfect coming from your glossed lips. There was a twinkle in your eyes. You had done your makeup for “special events” as you had once explained it to him. Instead of a normal cat eye, you had graphic black eyeliner. He never understood why you wore makeup but he knew that it was something you enjoyed doing.

He stumbled a bit as he moved towards you, wetting his lips with his tongue as he said your name.

“Whoa careful there big guy! How much have you had to drink tonight?”

Your arm grasped his bicep, his heart stuttering at the contact.

“Three double vodka cranberries and one beer.”

Your brows raised. “Rough time in there huh?”

“You have no idea.” Kageyama launched into recounting what had happened.

One of his favourite things about you was how you didn’t press on topics he didn’t want to talk about. You left the conversation shift onto the gig you dragged him to and about the band. His second favourite thing about you was your willingness to unabashedly talk about your interests. Your job as an A&R at Sony meant you were always talking to him about a new band or artist. Before meeting you he wouldn’t consider himself someone who cared about music much. It was just something to help him keep pace while running. He didn’t understand why people liked it. But by watching you he started to dissect the reasons.

It wasn’t a conscious decision, no grand realisation listening to a recommendation from you. It was a gradual shift. He started listening to more things, trying to pick out ones you’d like and he could send them to you. It was only after Wakatoshi had pointed out he was humming one day that he clocked the change went beyond just you.

When you got to the venue, you flashed your Employee ID at security and pulled Kageyama in behind you. It was just as dimly lit as the club but the smaller venue made it less obstructive. You had dragged him here before for a folk singer-songwriting you signed after the show. He had no idea what he was about to listen to but he knew if it was you, it’d be good.

You led him to the middle of the standing-room area. You preferred a more central location so you could observe the artist’s dynamics and stage presence. While he would normally want to be on the outskirts, he didn’t mind being in the middle. It was crowded though so you were stood in front of him. Someone walked past and knocked you back against him.

“Sorry!” You knew that he didn’t like physical contact much, so you created space as soon as you could. It pained him.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind if it’s you.” When you smiled up at him, he felt like he was going to short-circuit. “Who are we discovering today?”

Another person bumped you into him, shifting your balance and almost causing you to fall. He wrapped his arms around you to stabilise you before he even knew what he was doing.

You muttered under your breath something about expecting better from the crowd here. “You remember Hozier?”

He knew who Hozier was. You had forced him to listen to Hozier’s entire discography one day. He liked Hozier. In another world maybe he would be as good with his words as the singer was. He could write you poems and sonnets, tell you all the little things about you that made him feel right. As much as he might try now, he couldn’t so he hoped that you wouldn’t hold it against him.

“Yes. You made me listen to his entire discography.” His throat felt dry. “I don’t believe I understood all the metaphors but he has a good voice.”

“Well, imagine Hozier if he was Japanese. And he blended traditional instruments, taiko drums and all that, with a raspy voice and great lyricism.”

“I see.” His gaze shifted, watching you adjust in his arms. He wondered if he should release you if he was supposed to have let go three seconds ago or held on longer. Now he was scared to move and make it weirder by moving.

“Sorry, should I let you go?” He was nervous, anxiety creeping, edging him out of the buzz he had from drinking earlier and into harsh sobriety.

“No, it’s okay. I’m kinda cold and you’re really warm.”

“Okay.”

The conversation between the two of you died down and Kageyama wanted to make a clone of himself and shake it around. What the hell was he doing? Under the dim lights, the first few chords starting to play, cradling you in his arms, he felt so nervous.

The opening band started to fill the room with an instrumental. Their first two songs went by quickly enough at least. You would sway along, occasionally bobbing your head to the beat. Your eyes were focused on them as they performed. Someone might look over and think you were a long-time fan of the opening act, enraptured by their performance, but Kageyama knew you. You were appraising them, seeing if they had potential.

As their set drug on, he found himself watching you more than the band. Your brows would twitch, pulling together in the middle for a split second, every time they did something you considered to be a technical miss. You had told him that bands were like a team of volleyball players.

When you explained it you said that singers were like aces. The powerhouse that made a team stand apart from their opponents. Drums were the setter. They set the tempo, and the flow, of the song Guitars were like hitters, driving down the point. Keys or synths were liberos, not always on the track but essential for making a good song, and basses were middle blockers, getting a perfect read and keeping the team grounded. So far it seemed like the band was winning their set.

He liked watching you like this, seeing you the most in your element. It hurt his heart, made it tight in his chest from how your eyes darted across the stage. It felt like ripping off a bandage. Diving without a kneepad and your skin tearing on the polished floor of the court. Like hand sanitiser in a superficial wound. Painful, but knowing that the pain was a sign of growth, of healing.

The lighting changed, hues of pink and red, as the frontman started talking about their next and final song. He was telling the crowd to grab their lovers, pull them close, and sway along with the music. Kageyama nearly choked when you turned to face him and wrapped your arms around his neck.

“Well hello lover.” you giggle at the last word, joking about your relationship. While didn’t like the joking nature of it, he wanted it to be real, he liked you calling him it. Your fingernails scratched at the nape of his neck, tangling in the hairs there.

He had had too much to drink and feeling your chest against his own was making the blood rush from his head and straight to his groin. He felt like a teenage boy, unable to keep himself from growing hard. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but he swore he could feel your nipples.

His breath hitched as he went to respond, low and raspy in your ear. “Hello.” Kageyama wanted to say something better, more suave and flirtatious, wishing for a second that he could embody the same way with women Nicolas had.

“How much did you have to drink?”

“Not enough.” His cheeks were flush, he needed something in this moment. To pull you closer against himself or to push you away so you didn’t catch on to his growing hard-on.

Your heartbeat against his own in the confined space, slower than his rapid one. The music drowned out, turning to background sounds as he stared into your eyes. Eye contact was normally so forced for him, constantly having to remind himself to make it. It felt so much more intense with you like you could see through him. He loved your eye colour and the way the corners of your eyes crinkled when you smiled.

Your lips curled up into a smile as you gazed at him, coated in a shimmery gloss that smelt like vanilla. Your tongue poked out the wet your lips, something you always did when you needed to reapply the lip gloss. He wanted to know what it felt like against his own. If it was as sticky as it looked. If it’d pull into fine strands as you separated.

“What are you staring at so intensely? I feel like you’re dissecting me.”

He felt loose and sappy from the drinks earlier, more willing to take risks.

“You. I’m staring at you.”

“Me?”

His eyes shifted up to meet yours again. “You.” You chuckled a little bit at him before replying.

“Why?”

“I want to kiss you.” The words slipped out of him before he could stop them, once again putting his foot in his mouth. You were going to reject him, tell him off for violating your boundaries. He’d have to text Hinata tomorrow that he fucked up with you and that everything went wrong.

“Kiss me.” The first time you said the words it didn’t compute in his brain.

“Tobio, kiss me.” He stood frozen, short-circuiting, he had been so set on an outcome that a change in path threw him off.

The trance was broken when he felt your lips against his, sticky from the lip gloss as he imagined. You were soft, like a feather brushing across his kiss, gentle and tentative. When you pulled away from him it felt like he could breathe again. You tasted sweet, no doubt partially from the lip gloss but also just you. He wanted more.

Kageyama leaned in, one hand tentatively reaching up to the side of your face to cradle it. His lips met yours again it started with pecks, gentle like you had been, before building in intensity. It felt like Kageyama had been starving for years, the sensation unknown and accepted as just a part of living, but as your mouth opened and his tongue met yours he realised that his hunger, his craving, his desire, had been an aspect of himself so far removed from his understanding until this moment. He understood want and need now that he had tasted you.

The heat of your breath melting with his own made his nerves alight as you parted for air.

“I’m in love with you.” Your forehead met his shoulder and you laughed.

“Tobio I know,” it was like the lights in the room knew to shine down around you giving you a halo. “You’re not good at hiding it.”

“I’m sorry.” You tucked your head under his chin and he let his hands slip down from your waist and into your back pockets, feeling emboldened by your actions.

You swayed with him to the beat of the song as the transition music into the main act’s set began.

“If it’s any consolation I found it cute.” Your lips met the side of his neck and you tilted upwards to his ear. “I’m in love with you too.”

He joined you in shifting side to side, enjoying the moment as you murmured against his skin, voice warmth with honesty. He didn’t understand it all, but he understood you in this moment, the shared feeling of love between you. One old and ancient, but never weathered by time, still steadfast in its stature. Unending, unshifting.

The “Japanese Hozier” stepped out onstage and Kageyama let you turn to face the stage, moving to take his hands off you only to find them being wrapped around your waist again, guided by your hands. He wouldn’t remember the set list, or the singer's performance, too entangled in you and feeling you in all his senses to care about anything else.

───※ ·❆· ※───

You had brought him home after the show, still humming some of the songs as you puttered around. He had changed as you made a midnight snack for the two of you. His hair hung in clumped damp strands as he played sudoku on his phone waiting for you to finish up. You hated when he got in your way in the kitchen.

With a plate full of mini pancakes you plopped down on the couch next to him, your makeup removed and hair up. He liked you the most like this, relaxed and human. Sometimes he worried you were an angel sent down from the heavens to make him believe in god but instead drove him to sin.

He took one off the plate when you moved it closer to him. Chewing on it slowly, watching you nibble on yours.

“You wanna talk about it?” His eyes were peeled on your lips.

“Only if you’re comfortable.”

“I’m fine…” you moved and placed the plate on the coffee table. “Good, actually. Great even.”

“I feel like I owe you an explanation.”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “For what?”

“I don’t know.” He felt so many things right now it was difficult to verbalise any of them.

You pulled your knees to your chest and faced him. A braid fell into your face and you tucked it behind your ear. Every time he looked at you he understood poetry and prose, songs of admiration, why men would go to war over their lovers. It was nonsensical, to think you could see stars in someone's eyes, but you reflected the lights of the room like a planetarium. He thought that he might die before he found the words to express his thoughts and feelings to you, to get his point across, but he knew with you he didn’t have to. He had never had to.

His hand encompassed your own, interlocking his fingers with yours. They fit together like puzzle pieces, you the last piece needed to complete the puzzle. Simple connection, conjoining of spirits.

Kageyama tugged on your hand, pulling you towards himself, making you come to rest on your shins in between his legs. He kissed the back of your hand, softly, tenderly, still afraid that there was something he was missing. But the ball never dropped, the tower never crumbled, and he led you further forward, your free hand resting at his chest before slithering up the back of his neck.

He couldn’t tell if it was you or him who moved first, closing the distance between you, your lips meeting again. It felt more tentative than the first ones had. Careful and measured, aware of the space, the boundaries, the dynamic you had had. Of how that was shifting, changing, as the pretences you had were changed.

Kageyama dropped your hand in favour of wrapping his around your waist, guiding you to manoeuvre into his lap. Your ass rested against his groin. The longer he kissed you, the more he felt himself growing hard, aided by your hips grinding down on him. Once on a night out with the team, you had danced with him and it was then that he learned of how fluid you were. Tonight you were water, dripping down on him, swirling around him, wetting his skin.

He palmed at the waistband of the sleep shorts you had changed into, desperately wanting to remove them but unwilling to force you into something. You pulled away from kissing him to remove your shorts, left in just your underwear and oversized shirt. Kageyama quickly stripped off his shirt before kissing you again, this time letting it evolve into making out with you.

One of your hands moved to his lower abdomen, brushing against his happy trail, making him shiver. He felt you palm at his length through his sweats, slow and sensually. His dick was bigger than you thought it’d be. Average girth but one or two inches longer than expected.

“Can I touch you?”

“Yes.” His response was quick, jumping the gun, eager to have you take him in your hand.

When your skin met his Kageyama swore he might cum from it. His emotions were high-strung, making him more sensitive. He whimpered as your thumb crossed over the tip.

Your hands felt like velvet against him, smooth and soft, your touch gentle but firm, supplying the perfect amount of pressure as you began sliding it up and down his shaft. His stomach muscles tightened as you went along, pulling him in on himself. It should be criminal that you made him feel such a way from something so simple, reducing him into a schoolboy being touched for the first time.

He wrapped a hand around your wrist to stop your movements, separating from kissing you to speak.

“I’m going to cum if you do that too much.”

“That’s the goal Tobio.”

“Yes, I know, but I would like to make you cum before I do.”

You gave a small smile, butterflies flitting around in his stomach as you did. “Well, who am I to stop you?”

You crossed your arms as you took off your shirt. When you changed earlier you must not have put on a bra. The curve of your waist he knew already to be temptation incarnate, but the swell of your chest would turn any many into a sinner.

Your nipples were hard as they were exposed to the cool air of your apartment, small silver balls catching the overhead light.

“You have your nipples pierced?”

You cupped your breasts, pinching your nipples. Tobio’s eyes were locked in, focused on the way the silver complimented you. “Yeah, I’ve had them for ages.”

“Can I touch them?” He wanted to pinch at your nipples and feel the cool metal beside them. Your nod was all he needed to do so.

His touch was hesitant at first, afraid of damaging the piercing somehow. When he squeezed down harder on them he could feel the bars going through your nipples. It was interesting to him, the modification, he wondered what made you get them in the first place.

As he pinched and twisted your nipples slightly, a soft whimper snuck out the back of your throat, going straight to his already painfully hard erection.

If you were sensitive to this he wanted to know what it would do to you if he took them into his mouth. It was in the name of science that he did so, leaning forward and wrapping his mouth around your left nipple.

The metal met his tongue, cold and sharp, constructing against the warmth of your chest. He was cautious not to use his teeth as he played with your nipple in his mouth. You gave out small moans and gasps, hips stuttering against his own, as you threw your head back. Ever since you had gotten them pierced your nipples were more sensitive than ever.

Kagayema stared up at you. He wondered how he got so lucky in life. He’d have to go to the shrine on New Year with his mother to thank the gods for letting him have you like this.

He wanted to make you feel more, to know his touch in ways you never had before.

His free hand not ding at your waist trailed down your side, tracing the outline, as he dragged it down to your core. When he met your underwear, the fabric a simple micro-fibre, and slipped past it he was certain that he’d need to go to the shrine every holiday. You were wet, drenched even, allowing his fingers to slip through you easily.

Kageyama was not a virgin, he’d had sex before and he was thorough with it. His thumb met your clot, going over it in slow circles, while his pointer and ring finger started to tease your hole.

When he was able the press both fingers into you and pump them in and out of you, he released your nipple that he had ever so diligently been sucking on to swap for the other one. He bit down it ever so slightly making a shocked gasp and whimper of his name escape you.

“Be gentle jackass!” Your speech airy, escaping as an exhale.

It was cruel the way how you said his name made his dick jerk as if he was going to cum, the muscle in his abdomen flexing tight. He’d be dammed if he came before you though, his teeth grazing over your nipple again, tongue swiping over the bar.

His fingers picked up in speed, pressing against a spot that made you squeak almost. High-pitched and short. Like you hadn’t expected him to hit it.

The pressure building kept building as he did so, making you get lightheaded as it went on. He was so close to making you cum. Like an itch, you scratch just next to it, the edge.

His thumb kept toying with your clit as he kept his pace steady, matching the tempo. You could feel yourself tightening up as he worked your body. The noises in the room turned pornographic as more liquid gushed out of you, lubricating his hand, making it easier for him to thrust his fingers in and out and in again.

Kageyama detached himself from your chest and moved to kiss along the side of your neck and ear.

“You’re so pretty…” he trailed off before biting your neck and sucking hard to leave a hickey.

You came with a start, the orgasm rolling through you as he bit down, his name coming out a broken moan. Your muscle winding right before snapping under the pressure, eyes screwing shut. It made your head spin, feeling your heartbeat in your skull and down to your toes. The force of it made you clamp down so hard on Kageyama’s fingers that as he tried to pull them out, he couldn’t.

A minute passed before he was finally able to slip them out of you as you whined for him to keep them inside. When you finally opened your eyes you were met with Kageyams face being entirely red.

“You okay?” You propped yourself up on your elbows to get a better look at him.

He licked his lips before speaking, trying to wet them. “I just came.”

“Oh.”

Things were still for a second.

“Is there, uh, anything I can do to help?”

“No. Just give me a minute.” This was the most embarrassment he had felt in a long time

“Okay.” You cupped his face with one hand. He turned a kissed your palm “We can stop here if you want.”

He contemplated for a few moments in his head, his boxer briefs now feeling sticky. The sensation was grossing him out no matter how badly he wanted to continue.

“Tobio,” you flicked his forehead “Get out of your head, you’ve got that scrunched-up look on your face.”

He grumbled against your palm as he spoke. “I like you and I’m embarrassed.”

“Well, I love you and we can always go for a second round.”

He stilled, humming under his breath. “Could we shower first?”

“Of course.”

───※ ·❆· ※───

Out of the shower, where a second round had happened, along with telling you about the bet, Kageyama felt unsure of what to do next. It reminded him of leaving a court at the end of a game, his adrenaline high and heart pumping. The adjustment to reality was strange and foreign. He was sure this must have been how you felt after a concert ended. Lost, unsure what to do after as he cuddled with you in your bed.

“What happens next?”

You laughed and it shook your body as you lay on top of him, tracing patterns on his chest.

“You buy me breakfast in the morning.”

“And after that?”

“What about after that?”

“Well,” you started. “We keep doing what we’ve always done. But when we go out to eat we don’t call it hanging out, we call it a date. When we sleep at the other’s place, we sleep in the same bed. Only the little things change between us, the big things stay the same and we get to kiss now. When an interviewer asks if you’ve got a girlfriend, you get to say yes.”

“You’re my girlfriend?”

“Well, I thought that was the point of the confession, well along with winning a bet, unless you don't want me to be?”

“No, I do.”

“Good.”

It was silent for a moment as he intertwined his free hand in your own, bringing it closer to his mouth so he could kiss it. You settled further into him, filling out the space where he was the most empty both physically and metaphorically, humming ‘Like Real People Do’.

A Venmo notification cut through the peace.

Nicolas Romero sent you ¥10,000

“Atta boy Tobio”

©️ uzuzrimisery

#uzuri writes #haikyuu #hq #kageyama tobio #kageyama tobio imagine #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu smut #haikyuu imagine smut #smut #haikyuu x reader smut #kageyama #kagayeama x you #kageyama tobio x you #kage

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dottybot · 1 year

Text

Lost housing and almost killed by our landlords

(Twice)

C*sh app: $dottybot

V*nmo: @dottybot

@translesbo's Paypal: [email protected]

My partner, @translesbo, and I after signing a lease, were put through 2 big gas leaks during times we had planned on and had been close to sleeping in the apartment. The entire time the place made us sick and was hard to breathe in with a strong awful smell and remained unihabitable, causing us to be without a home since July 3rd, 2023 due to it.

We are a brown latine lesbian couple and both trans (her transfem and myself tme cafab) and autistic along with other disabilities, and have 2 esa cats.

The whole time during the lease, the landlord would excuse the lack of cleanliness and poor maintenance of the building with that it was an old building, deny things she once acknowledge, and imply that we were just lying or causing the problems and even giving us trouble with getting out of the lease. But before that it led up to 2 big gas leaks.

To not make the post appear too lengthy, the rest is under a cut.

So the 1st gas leak, we were earlier sure about taking and about to load up the cats with us to all attempt sleeping there for the night, only last minute getting the feeling like we should not bring them and then deciding not to. Once in the apartment, we were there, windows shut the entire time, for 3+ hours. I went from the regular struggle to breath, head pain, and sickly feel to escalating much more and becoming very out of it, struggling to stay awake to beginning to feel so out of control, and I never would have guess we were being poisoned due to the state it had already put me in. Kat only noticed by chance, the smell of gas by the oven, when she was just starting to feel more off, which we otherwise wouldn't have spotted with how strong the place smelled. We were so close to not noticing it at all.

Kat had been barely able to drive but got us to the nearby ER, and doctors confirmed the gas poisoning, and kept us there for 3 or 4 hours through the night until recovered enough, fortunately due to it being short term, we had no lasting damage on our bodies, just both felt very ill the next day, and myself barely able to move I remained sick from it for 3 days.

That morning, Kat had contacted the gas company as the doctors suggested, though they could not do anything as we followed the leases direction and were not notified during the event, so no one but the apartment maintenance would be able to even confirm it happening. However, the fire departmen came with a firetruck, since it was also recommended by the doctor to get the place checked out by them.

The landlord later called, after us updating her of current apartment issues promptly as per lease requirements, and this call she went too far. She kept up with her same tactics but worse. She tried implying either we made up that there was a leak or we intentionally gave ourselves gas poisoning (like we were still very sick from the previous night) and was then many times claiming everything is fine with the maintenance man the landlord insists "he knows what he's doing" and "no one has ever had a problem with him", because we had included our concerns with him-- this guy had tried making kat sound like she overreacted and didn't know anything, kept claiming that "Gas does Not spread" so we should have been fine, not having any effects of poisoning, along with other contrary claims.

Anyways, the landlord lady was very clearly implying she thinks we are liars about there even being a gas leak, implying we didnt contact the gas and fire department which she claimed to "work closely with so they wouldn't lie, because she contacted the places and no one had documentation since maintenance was the only one to witness, it was her word against ours. This is when we realize due to the lease instructions to forgo contact to a third party professional to fix gas leaks, we would not be able to have paper documentation against her to prove it. She even "randomly" asked the name of our previous apartment place, and mentioned threatening like "didnt you have a gas leak there too?" As even more reason to accuse us, and saying she may have to contact our previous apartment place and saying how odd she thinks it was to have another leak, though this one worse,

On the 3rd day, after the 1st leak I was still feeling ill only starting to recover, the 2nd leak happened. this time we had to bring our cats with us, since we had no where else to stay with our previous lease over, and the apartment still uninhabitable and made us both more sickly, and still feared being there.

Earlier in that day, we were reassured multiple times that it was fixed and that "the stove SHOULD be putting out a gas smell for the next hour or 2", and that it means it's "Fixed, working" the maintenance man kept insisting, even the landlord lady was there strongly confirming multiple times it was true because "he Knows what he is doing" again, even confirming therepair was checked later in the day to make sure there was no leak and that it was safe.

We were afraid to go back after the 1st leak after how badly to us at least it seemed to be pouring out earlier in the day and their claim that it was supposed to be that way, but it was the only option we had.

We were unsure if we were just overreacting for a while and imagining the smell, it was several hours laters with all windows having been left open, though eventually calling our gas company this time to get proper documentation and a professional, since the smell had not diminished.

Kat was told by the gas man that gas was shooting out, and he's seen fires breakout from similar.. so we had to get Out.

Which led to us being homeless and having to sleep in the car and soon after, we were fortunately able to stay at Kat's parents house though they do not have space for us, keeping us and our cats in her nephew's small cramped room, with Kat sleeping on a broken bed that is messing with her scoliosis, and me havung to sleep on the floor for over a month now really taking a toll on me. And our cats have been under constant stress, making them require more care and expense.

This whole thing has made me lose my job, has been traumatic for us both, and lose easily over $2,500 into cost of the apartment and our repairs alone, and $250 on an attourney that did not try to help much but was able to get us out of the lease. On top of kat recently being wrongfully stopped by a cop for a made up reason, giving her a $135 ticket, along with having to take a 5 week un paid leave of absence to be able to help deal with our situation. And we can no longer put off car repairs, we have put off this whole year since it sputters most of the time instead of starting now along with other concerning issues.

We have currently been trying to find better jobs and a place to live, though due to the unstable living situation and and loss of income it has been more difficult to find a place.

So, any mutua*aid if you have the means and any reblogs would really help and be appreciated a ton

#so this has been going on lately #hoped it wouldn't get as bad as is but it is and still is #and broke my laptop charger again last night

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chromatoghosts · 17 days

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okay i talked about some of this on cohost. but i feel like it needs to be shared here, because here is where i experience some of the most of it.

it feels like most abled people only ever see neurodivergent people either as a tragedy, or a joke. except, we all know about being treated as a tragedy. plenty of people discuss that. but it feels like we rarely talk about how on a large scale, neurodivergent people have always been treated as a joke.

growing up, it was "autistic screeching REEEEEE" and the r-slur and "what are you, some sorta psycho" and "i'm so ocd/adhd" and mocking autistic people's stims. and just the entire existence of autism at all as being something inherently ridiculous and to be mocked and joked about. and almost EVERYONE online did it. when i was a kid, i couldn't look up my own conditions without seeing nothing but either people treating it like it was the worst, most horrible thing on earth, or people treating it like people who had it were ultimately one big joke. the only place you EVER saw positivity was in the sparse few communities made for and by people with the conditions.

but back then, the neurodivergent movement was underground. nobody really knew about it if you weren't actually neurodivergent yourself and involved in a few small close-knit communities. but then in the past few years, that's started to change. i think it was around 2020-ish that i started noticing people started to, well, notice us. while we're still far off from everyone in general being aware of our existence, we've slowly started to become mainstream. now canonically autistic characters are starting to appear in media, and people actually noticed when sia released her god-awful movie and criticized it.

but even so, neurodivergency never stopped being treated as a joke. some people realized that their previous jokes were harmful, and it seemed like we were finally making progress. but as a side-effect of neurodivergency becoming more well-known in the public eye, things started to change, and not necessarily for the better. suddenly, the concept of "neurodivergency" itself became a joke.

and now it feels like the label that was so important to the community, which we were so proud of, which felt so liberating, is a joke again. you can't say "neurodivergent" without people saying you're making up oppression for attention, and saying you're overreacting, and saying that godawful "neurodivergent and a minor" phrase. and i understand that some of it is because of people having tryied to excuse shitty behavior off of their mental disabilities/illnesses. and yeah that's awful, and neurodivergency should never be an excuse for bad behavior. but now people are turning one of our biggest points of pride, which we worked so hard on, into something to be ashamed of. not to mention shit like "delulu" and "restarted" and "narcissist" and "acoustic' and "i am in your walls".

and the recent trend that ableism is made up or being overexaggerated, which i've been seeing online recently, just makes my blood boil. i can't go outside without being stared at or treated like a child or mocked. we don't have the basic human rights to immigrate or marry or get a job, and many of us don't have any autonomy at all. countless of us die every day because nobody cares enough about us or believes us. hate crimes and police violence against the mentally disabled and mentally ill is still a huge thing. and it is still legal to physically and psychologically and emotionally abuse us, and in many places kill us. but people act like we're all making this up for attention. it's a type of discrimination and oppression so that is so sheerly widespread and all-consuming, but yet it's so invisible.

i mean of course people have never believed us about our experiences and the sheer amount of ableism we face. that's not new. but i guess just what makes it hurt so worse now is that people now realize the neurodivergent community exist, and people who we used to think are allies are turning against us and mocking us. someone makes fun of neurodivergent people, you try to say "hey don't do that", and now everyone is dogpiling you and saying you're "pissing on the poor" and "proving their point." we can't criticize albeism from others online now without being told we're overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing. and i see people who i thought were allies reblogging and laughing about this kinda stuff. and it just really feels like it's hard to trust abled people. it feels like every time i think i can trust a neurotypical person, they turn on us. and sometimes i just feel like cutting off any neurotypical people altogether, even though i know realistically there are some good allies out there. it just feels like there are so few

idk just feels bad man. we really can't catch a break can we

#neurodivergent #neurodivergency #ableism #actually neurodivergent #actually autistic #serious #ghost.text

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velvetvexations · 3 months

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This is an edited version of something I posted to r/DaystromInstitute, a Star Trek sub. I'm proud of it and, having deleted my account, want to preserve it here.

Dukat is a fantastic example of Narcissitic Personality Disorder

I'm an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's very, extremely frustrating to see people claim everyone from Dolores Umbridge to Donald Trump also have NPD because they're like, just the worst. NPD doesn't mean "selfish", or "controlling", or even "self-absorbed", and certainly is not a synonym for abusive, despite all the self-help books that say sniping a narcissist who came within eight hundred yards of you is legally permissible under Stand Your Ground laws.

You might expect me to not be so appreciative of Dukat, who is, after all, a pretty horrible person. I actually have a worse opinion of Dukat's supposed nobility than many, as fairly often the fandom prefers to back the idea that he really was a misguided anti-villain who only succumbed to devil-worshipping when the writers assassinated his character.

Well, unfortunately, it's harder to recognize authentic NPD traits in heroes, and "recognize" is a term I use loosely, since most writers certainly didn't have NPD in mind at all. Nonetheless, I love Dukat because he exemplifies a nuanced, if not overly flattering, portrayal of a personality disorder that actual human beings deal with, and 99% of the time is just flattened into a thing you call people you don't like.

As a child, one thing that did a lot to mitigate the more negative social aspects of NPD was having it imprinted on my brain by anime and video games that being a Hero and as good as possible was the best thing to be. While praise and attention in general does scratch a powerful itch too, once my child-self internalized the values of the media I consumed - helped along by also being autistic - the standard for which I judged myself was set. I would literally cry if I accidentally picked up dark side points in a Star Wars game.

I think Dukat went through a similar process. Not all narcissists cling to a model centering morality, but Dukat, for one reason or another, did. He sincerely believes everything he does is altruistic and fair, and more than that, he wants to be altruistic and fair, having misidentified the origin of his cravings.

Another thing that helped me a lot growing up was a book called The Screwtape Letters. If you're unfamiliar, it's by CS Lewis and is presented as a series of letters from a high-ranked demon to his nephew, who works as essentially a shoulder devil attempting to guide his patient into sin and disconnection from God. I feel like Lewis would probably be annoyed with me not getting anything properly Christian out of it, but it is an amazing manual for teaching you how to examine your own thinking and subconscious impulses. It started me down a path of being very self-aware, which made it easier to navigate NPD, because I'm incapable of tolerating the flaws in my internal logic that I'm able to catch. If I may be excused for saying so, I think I do a decent job on that count, with the downside that I'm often far too hyper-critical and it results in regular anxiety.

But Dukat never learned that skill. As a result, his attempted nobility clashes with his other competing impulses, and all his actions are reinforced, rather than rejected, by his conscious, which his NPD assures him is being followed to the letter. As Lewis said:

The baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity at some point may be sated; and since he dimly knows he is doing wrong he may possibly repent. But the Inquisitor who mistakes his own cruelty and lust of power and fear for the voice of Heaven will torment us infinitely more because he torments us with the approval of his own conscience and his better impulses appear to him as temptations.

Dukat's inner struggle is fueled by the need to be a revered benefactor while also having served at the head of the bastard offspring of the Iraq War and Holocaust. His solution at the time was to make it more like the Second Boer War, the conflict that originally popularized the term "concentration camp" despite the fact that those concentration camps weren't even meant to eliminate the thousands that were killed in them.

DUKAT: So in my first official act as Prefect, I ordered all labour camp commanders to reduce their output quotas by fifty percent. Then I reorganized the camps themselves. Child labour was abolished. Medical care was improved. Food rations were increased. At the end of one month of my administration, the death rate had dropped by twenty percent. Now how did the Bajorans react to all this? On my one month anniversary they blew up an orbital dry-dock, killing over two hundred Cardassian soldiers and workers. "KIRA": We didn't want a reconciliation. We wanted to destroy you. DUKAT: So I had to order a response. But even then it was a carefully tempered one. I ordered two hundred suspected members of the Resistance rounded up and executed. Two hundred lives for two hundred lives. That's justice, not malevolence. Justice.

Throughout the episode the Kira hallucination embodies the disrespected and ingratitude he feels he gets for being "nice". Cardassian values, attitudes, and objectives came first. Dukat, however, was smart enough to understand some of what was being done to Bajor was wrong, but not quite able to tear himself away from his own identity as a Cardassian and the protagonist of the universe. That was just too much to totally upend, as would be required to fully comprehend the reality of the situation.

So he tries, in his own way. Because he wants to be a good guy, the hero, the main character, and he truly believes that he is. Unfortunately, it remains pointed solidly in the direction of his own ego. He's unable to recognize that to err is Cardassian, but repentance divine, because he's already invested in so much. His identity as a Cardassian, his own past actions, his impulsive grabs for power, and being convinced he's such a good man shields him from thinking critically because it would necessarily mean criticizing himself. Dukat can only truly appreciate that he's made mistakes when it makes him feel like he's being the bigger man willing to compromise and graciously admit fault, but he was in charge of the Occupation for twenty years. It's hard to walk back from that.

And I should know, because even understanding I'm the one at fault, it's pulling teeth to force myself through accepting I did wrong, much less admitting it to someone else. I don't want to be someone who fucked up, no matter how minor. Pulling teeth. Quite a lot of NPD can be described that way, in fact. While half-brained wannabee psychologists present narcissists as being sociopathic manipulators who skillfully terrorize those around them, most of NPD is horrible, chest-thumping anxiety. It's not fun at all to want to break my controller in half every single time I get got in a game of Splatoon, even when the round is far from over.

Most Cardassians involved with the Occupation seemed to be either outright monsters or falling under the "banality of evil", like Damar. They considered the Bajorans as, at best, a bunch of backwards hicks who needed to shut up and listen to their betters. Dukat, though, fetishized Bajor and the Bajorans themselves, as quite creepily seen in his string of Bajoran lovers and his dogged pursuit of Kira throughout the show (which horrifically took Nana Visitor putting her foot down to keep from being canon!). He pursed his tenure as head of the Occupation with the zeal of someone who truly wanted his subjects to see he was doing all this for their own good.

The Dominion and most other Cardassians don't give a fuck if your subjects like you except insofar as it's convenient and makes them less likely to rebel. That's the Dominion's whole thing, they just want control, and if the carrot doesn't work they'll shrug and without a hint of emotion give you the stick. It doesn't matter to them how they're in charge as long as they are. When Dukat makes his point about having only executed two-hundred (suspected!) members of the Resistance, the Weyoun hallucination comments:

"WEYOUN": The Dominion would never have been so generous.

It's telling that Dukat is fixated on the contrast between him and the people he allied with enough for it to show up in his breakdown. Just a little before that, Dukat says:

DUKAT: Major Kira knows full well I made every effort to heal the wounds between Cardassia and Bajor. Since the very beginning it was my intention to rectify the mistakes of the past and begin a new chapter in our relations.

Dukat is capable of saying, vaguely, abstractly, "mistakes were made", but it infuriates and honestly baffles him that it's not enough for him to be recognized as the most brilliant and loving extraterrestrial patriarch the Bajorans could ever wish for. In an earlier episode, he has this conversation with (the real) Weyoun:

WEYOUN: If you ask me, the key to holding the Federation is Earth. If there's going to be an organized resistance against us, its birthplace will be there. DUKAT: You could be right. WEYOUN: Then our first step is be to eradicate its population. It's the only way. DUKAT: You can't do that. WEYOUN: Why not? DUKAT: Because! A true victory is to make your enemy see they were wrong to oppose you in the first place. To force them to acknowledge your greatness. WEYOUN: Then you kill them? DUKAT: Only if it's necessary. WEYOUN: I had no idea. DUKAT: Perhaps the biggest disappointment in my life is that the Bajoran people still refuse to appreciate how lucky they were to have me as their liberator. I protected them in so many ways, cared for them as if they were my own children. But to this day, is there a single statue of me on Bajor? WEYOUN: I would guess not. DUKAT: And you'd be right. Take Captain Sisko, an otherwise intelligent, perceptive man. Even he refuses to grant me the respect I deserve.

Weyoun ends the scene laughing at Dukat. Because he was just advocating they exterminate all life on Earth, and yet he's amazed, truly stunned by how crackers Dukat is. The sheer depths of Dukat's psychological need for validation is as clinically fascinating to Weyoun as it is to the audience.

As it is to me, anyway. Like Narcissus and his pool, I peer into Dukat and see myself. Unsurprisingly, he's one of my favorite characters.

#star trek #star trek ds9 #ds9 #deep space nine #gul dukat #actually npd

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clownrecess · 2 years

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hey! i came across your blog and saw that you said pro-aba dni. i hope this is okay to ask but i was wondering if i could get your perspective on aba. if you need/want to stop reading now because the topic is upsetting/annoying/anything else, then i totally get it and you don’t need to go further or respond. i wanna start off by saying that i only know what i was taught, which is that aba is a good thing. anyways i worked as a special education teacher at an elementary school where a lot of my students had rbt’s with them for all/most of the day. in our case, a lot of those rbt’s were there to prevent students from harming themselves or others. i will say that i have certainly seen some questionable aba being done (there were several different companies providing services and their procedural differences could be glaringly frustrating). but none of my students were capable of articulating how they felt about their rbt and/or aba as a whole so i was looking to see why people are opposed to the practice. i mean i can see how making a child change their behavior as a way to fit into “normal” society (a stupid concept bc normal is bs) can be troubling, but i could also see that some good can come out of it, as far as harm reduction goes. coming from a psych background i can see how teaching kids to adjust their behavior in order to keep them safe is a good thing. but if the practice as a whole isn’t good then do you know of an alternative that is effective? (as far as reducing harm/injury goes.) i apologize if this seems extremely ignorant of me but i am genuinely curious to get an autistic kid’s point of view. especially if they have personal experience with it, but even if they don’t. since this is relevant to my career field, i don’t want to go about thinking that aba is effective if it actually is quite the opposite. i’m also not looking to glorify/make excuses for aba if it’s a bad thing. sorry for the novel of an ask. i appreciate you taking the time to read this. again, don’t feel like you have to answer if this is a stupid or pointless thing to talk about. i’m not looking to waste your time. thanks again.

(TW FOR ABA, ABUSE, TRAUMA, ETC.)

I was in ABA when I was 11 or so. The goal of the therapists was to make me suppress my emotions, and mask. I was forced into overstimulating environments and was not allowed to leave, I was yelled at, I was taught I am not allowed to say no to anything, etc.

The experience was traumatic, and I still struggle with a lot of panic attacks and nightmares related to it.

And no, I'm not quite sure of a way to reduce harmful stims. I have quite a few harmful stims too, but from my experience ABA made them a lot worse, whilst also making my mental health horrible. Sometimes finding alternatives to those stims are good. I tend to bite the insides of my mouth a really severe amount, and chewies don't fix the problem, but they are helpful for harm reduction sometimes.

#tw aba #tw abuse #tw ableism #tw ableist language #actually autistic #autistic trauma #tw trauma #neurodivergent #aac user #autism #nonspeaking autistic #nonspeaking #aac device #aac users #situationally nonspeaking #disabled #yes all aba #traumatized autistic #autistic experiences

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immeasurablesaladagere · 2 months

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hiya!!!! can u write about autistic regressor house going non verbal when upset and how wilson deals with it

- @tummy-rubs-for-wilson-pup

Order up! Also a little headcanon to go with even if it doesn't come up in the fic, but I feel like Wilson attempted to teach him baby-sign for non-verbal episodes but House just refused to learn it and took it as an excuse to learn as many inappropriate signs as possible to use while regressed.

-----

Word Count: 950

Summery: Wilson is paged down to House's office by the ducklings to find that House has barricaded himself inside. Two sleepless days have triggered a meltdown and a non-verbal episode and Wilson helps him calm down.

-----

Wilson was just filing his last batch of paperwork for the night when his pager went off, because of course it would. Who really wants to leave work on time? Not him, no sir. Even worse, he was being paged to House’s office, which meant a case, which meant he might not be getting home that night at all. Excellent.

It was best not to keep House waiting, so off to his office we went. But as he came down the hallway he paused. Standing outside of House’s door lost and confused were Cameron, Chase, and Foreman. It was at times like this that House’s nickname “ducklings” made sense. They really did look aimless without him.

“I was paged?” He asked, and all three looked some form of relieved.

“Perfect. House is in his office and won’t talk to us, we were hoping you could figure out what was going on.” Cameron explained, looking over her shoulder into the shuttered window of the office.

“Okay? That sounds like typical House behaviour, what makes this special?” It wasn’t exactly uncommon for House to shut himself away from people for extended periods of time. Sure, at work it might be a bit more socially inconvenient, but House had never been one to care about that.

“Well he ran out in the middle of a DDX for one,” Chase chimed in, and that was concerning. “And then when I tried to check on him he pitched his tennis ball at me. I think he’s hiding under his desk.”

Why hadn’t they led with that? Now that they were standing here, it was blatantly clear how tired the three of them were. Their eyes were tired, postures slouched, and Cameron was even rubbing her eyes. “Out of curiosity, when was the last time you all went home?”

“Two days.” Foreman answered flatly.

Wilson sighed. And knowing House, he’d probably been there longer. “Okay. Why don’t you guys go home, get some sleep. I’ll deal with House.”

“Thanks, Wilson.” Cameron said, and the ducklings left down the hall for what what Wilson hoped would be a restful night’s sleep.

He tapped gently on the glass door. “House? Can I come in?”

He didn’t get a response, but he wasn’t expecting one. If House was sleep-deprived, had fled from a meeting and was hiding under his desk like Chase said, then Wilson suspected sensory overload, maybe a meltdown. He gently pulled on the handle and to his surprise, the door opened. The office was dark, and thankfully the tennis ball was laying on the ground a few feet away. He just hoped House hadn’t found a better, heavier weapon to ward off unwanted guests.

Sure enough, he could just barely make out the form of one Gregory House huddled under his desk, arms pressed against his head and rocking back and fourth. With his suspicions confirmed, he quietly came closer and pushed aside the desk chair to sit down on the floor. His bones creaked.

“House? It’s Wilson. What do you need from me?” He asked quietly.

House didn’t stop rocking and he didn’t speak, but he did look up. His eyes were wide and unfocused, and the bags underneath them were heavy. But there was something else, too. He nodded slightly.

“What do you need?”

House made a broken groaning sound and rocked a little harder, pressing the heels of his hands against the sides of his head and dragging them up and down his scalp.

Wilson took a guess. “Do you want pressure?”

He got a nod. Carefully, he reached forward and pulled House out from under the desk and held him with his back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around House’s shoulders and squeezed as tightly as he could, and House let out a sigh and slowly relaxed.

He began to lean against him more and more the longer they sat, and eventually he was so still that Wilson thought he had fallen asleep right there, until he felt House’s hand reach for his own and begin to play with his fingers. There it was.

“…How old are we, House?”

The hand stopped, like he was thinking about it, then gave four gentle taps.

“Thank you for telling me, you did a good job House. The ducklings told me you’ve been here for a couple of days, was it for a case?”

House nodded.

“Well, I think it’s time to go home and get some sleep, hm? You’ve been working hard for a long time.”

A firm head-shake. Of course.

“What if I told you we could get burgers on the way back? Would that sweeten the deal?” He offered. No amount of reasoning like you’re too tired or you’re too little would make a difference to House, so he went with the next best thing. Bribery.

And just like he expected, House only took a second to think about it before nodding.

“And should we go to McDonalds to get a toy? I hear they have Hot Wheels.”

Like a switch House was suddenly much more eager to get going, wriggling off of his lap and tugging on the sleeve of his shirt as if to say “Then what are we waiting for!?”.

“Okay, okay! I get it. We have to stop by my office to get my things, then we can—.”

But House was already on his feet, cane in hand and hobbling away before Wilson could even finish his sentence. Wilson chuckled, and his poor old-man bones as he got up to follow. God only knew what chaos a four-year-old House could bring upon the hospital.

“Slow down now, old Wilson can’t keep up with you youngins anymore!”

#sfw age regression #sfw agere #agere blog #age regression #fandom agere #house md #house md agere #fanfic

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theviridianbunny · 7 months

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Amrin Ellis [aka M0CK1NGJAY] is an autistic woman. She doesn’t formally disclose it to Kurt Hansen when they are just medic/patient (because there is such a boundary and air of professionalism there)... She will never formally disclose it to anyone other than a partner or a close friend she trusts (so in time she will tell Kurt and then in time her other partner - @another-corpo-rat 's dear Victoria Crane)

She is always masking - 100 and 10 percent of the time she masks - she wants to apper "normal" and "like a functional member of society" - and idk just the idea of - it’s early days for Kurt and Amrin- they are still learning to trust each other. Kurt is getting his arms retuned or maybe the back of his neck -

I just imagine a scenario - Amrin had *awful* day already with very rude new clients at her ripper doc office and she’s strung out. I imagine - its after hours and Kurt has come for his monthly arm re tune - and something (even if it’s something as small as her dropping a tray of implements or knocking her coffee off of her work bench) it just pushes over the edge and the mask slips and breaks like a china vase. Luckily she's all done working on Kurt because she just loses her composure

she is just angry crying - fighting so very to regain the broken composure... the panic made all the worse by Kurt being in the room - She thinks Kurt can’t see her like this - but the tears don’t stop and her breathing is un steady and her nose is starting to run and she doesn’t know where to put her hands and they just bawl into these tight fists at her sides as she is facing away from Kurt.

She thinks it is un professional- it’s not right - he doesn’t know, and he must not know that she's different- - she is afraid he will treat her like a child and belittle her. It’s what others did with her in the past - But the colonel of dog town doesn't judge her. He's more trying to pice together what's wrong- in the months they have known each other - nothing this small usually gets her so upset. Kurt is patient and quietly asks his ripperdoc if she would like to be alone.

In which- Amrin just nods - excusing herself very abruptly to try and calm herself down. It takes longer than she would like too - but once shes calmer - once her eyes are dry and she's able to breathe - she joins Kurt outside her shop. The night has grown old. The little nook her shop is in lit up by faded neon lights.

She thanks Kurt very quietly for not being weird about what he'd just seen [ thanking him in between taking a drag of her e-ciggarete - the tank of the cigarette decopaged with old bollywood magazine clippings]. Kurt just nods as he takes a drag of his own cigarette [hand rolled] - the two share a quiet moment in this little corner of dog town - before they part ways.

#oc: M0CK1NGJAY #kurt hansen #otp: all this and heaven too #otp: snakes oil #ot3: hounds of love #victoria crane #cyberpunk 2077 #cp2077 #dont normally do lore drops but i needes to get this out somewhere...#idk how else to tag this but i find it really important to make characters that share my own strengths and challenges.

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ladysternchen · 3 months

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Alright. Now, this is gonna be long. And passionate. And the second rant I've written in an unusually short time. But today, I just about reached breaking-point.

Why the hell does the Silm-fadom do to Elu Thingol what it does to Elu Thingol. To be fair, it's not solely him, Elwing gets it far worse (what for????), but that's a post of its own. No, honestly. What the fuck is going on in the minds of people who demonise one character so much while totally glossing over EVERY character fault of others?

Now, don't get me wrong, as much as he is my favourite character in all I ever read or watched in my life, I know full well that Elu's no saint. He makes terrible mistakes, and he behaves at times in ways that make me want to forget that he's my fave. I also admit to reading/interpreting him a little differently from most people in the fandom (you know, being autistic sometimes comes with having a different view on people's motives and behaviours), but my opinions and headcanons are still canon-based. That's kind of the beauty of the Silmarillion with its very shallow character-descriptions, that it allows for various interpretations. That some are more apologetic than others is a result of that, and what in truth makes this fandom so very interesting. So being critical towards him is not at all what I am ranting about here.

But there is a difference between being critical and demonising.

I read a fic today that honestly shocked me to the core. And just in case author should come across this post and recognise their work in this text, please know that I am in no way criticising your story- on the contrary, it was a very good read, I found Elu as the narrating character to be hugely in character and perhaps in other circumstances, I would have quite liked it. I would have written that to you directly on AO3, but I know that critical comments are usually not well-received, and I also really didn't want to pester you about it. After all, it's don't like don't read. So to cut this short, my problem lies NOT with the fic, but with the reactions to it. And it really only was the final straw.

AND, had it been intended as a parody on fanon regarding Elu Thingol , it would have been spot-on as spot-on can be. It was basically saying that each and every thing that went wrong in FA was Elu Thingol's fault. The second and third kinslaying his fault, the deaths amongst the Noldor his fault and so on. And he drew the appropriate conclusions at the end. For which he was called a coward in the comments. And the thing is, that story is fanon on him in a nutshell. The Noldor are always depicted as the victims. And while I'm totally fine with that, be the fuck as apologetic to all characters, fandom.

Like, I'm totally fine with excusing the actions of the Noldor by mental health or just mistakes made or curiosity or hot-temper or a specific view on things. Yeah, great. Compassion is such an important element in all Tolkien's works that I am always in favour of displaying it also in the fandoms concerning his legendarium. But you can't just do it on one people. You can't depict Maedhros as the tragic hero while at the same time condemning Elu Thingol for naming the Silmaril in a flash of impulsivity, when he was telling Beren to begone. Yes, that was idiotic, yes, he was in the wrong there, yes, what happened after was totally a result of that mistake. But still I daresay that he was punished for that in the most terrible way possible, which was the death, the ultimate death, of his only child.

You cannot pass over the Noldor invading Elu's lands and then claim that the ban on Quenya -a language that had by then already been replaced with Sindarin in mixed settlements because Sindarin was easier for the Noldor to learn than Quenya was to the Sindar and Nandor- is cultural genocide.

you can't claim that the kinslayings were caused by Elu and Dior and Elwing's refusal to hand over the Silmaril, that they positively forced the Fëanorians' hands, and at the same be very understanding about the dwarves murdering Elu (yeah, he insulted them, is was an absolute arsehole there, but that still is no excuse for murder)

You can't go saying how the Oath drove the sons of Fëanor to all their actions and then be convinced that what made the Silmaril such a trap for Elu to be nothing but greed.

And just so I make my point completely clear, I am all for being apologetic. About Fëanor and his sons, about Eöl, about the smiths of Nogrod, be apologetic about Sauron and Morgoth even if you can find that in canon for yourself, or if you just happen to feel those characters. Be open and curious about the apologies other people have for their favourite characters. But apply those rules to ALL characters.

Honestly, please stop. Please, if you want to hate Elu, to which of course everyone is entitled, hate him for what he canonically does. Don't make up stories about him just to make him look worse. You know, you can love your faves without having to demonise others.

And please, if you need to vent your feelings about Elu Thingol... tag it as such. It's so so so annoying to try and find content about your character and then get nothing but bashing or the same half-truth repeated again and again and again without further evaluation.

(Even better, stop hating all around. Yeah, it's just fictional characters. But you know, courtesy to the internet, real people look a whole lot like fictional characters. Judging, demonising, bashing, scapegoating, that all works on real people (or peoples!) just like it works on fictional characters. And the trouble is, real people might react in real life just as Elu reacted in the aforementioned fanfic and take their own life. Only that in real humans, dead is dead.)

#rant #elu thingol #silmarillion fandom #fanon #stop bashing!!!#just stop the fuck bashing!#character defence

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nuttysaladpaper · 1 month

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My Redemption

DISCLAIMER: I do not think Sammy Sundog is a bad person in any way Shape or Form. I just want to compare things they said in chat to what I said in chat and see if we can all find an understanding. This is not me canceling them. I just want them to see that this isn't fair, I want to redeem myself and prove my worth!

I was banned from Sammy Sundog's community in April of 2023, but I feel like I was wrongly banned, people in Sam's chat have said FAR worse things than I have said, including the borderline bigoted things they have said.

In May of 2023, I had a Meltdown due to the heartbreak from the ban, the pain of my dog passing away, and stress from work caused an involuntary response to these overwhelming sensory and emotional stimuli from everything that was going on (That meltdown caused me to blackout, threaten suicide and go on a huge rampage which is a very intense meltdown, and meltdowns are common in autistic people, even adults.)

The reason Sam banned me was that I was Inappropriate in Chat, and made everyone uncomfortable, (But months after I was banned they revealed it was only because I talked about my job too much) I also cannot read social cues (which is another autistic trait) Someone in Sams chat told me (in DM's) to "learn to read social cues" which is an extremely ableist thing to say. You can't just make symptoms disappear, and you can't just "learn to read social cues" that is not how it works.

Child Abuse:

They make jokes about toddler sims sleeping outside, playing with feces, sleeping on dog beds, eating dog food (and have made/let the toddlers do this.) This is abusive behavior, but then claim "Oh it's just a game, it's a JOKE, it's a queer game from 2004" and no one finds this problematic, yet find Realistic Birth Mod for The Sims 4 to be weird, or think the incest mod for the sims 2 is "gross" and harmful to people... what happened to it being "just a game?" If having incest in the game is gross then having child abuse in the game should be gross too right? Where do we draw the line?

Racism:

Recently someone in chat said something Racist, but it didn't cause an uproar in chat, and Sam didn't ban them on the spot (which would be an appropriate response to blatant racism) Here is the message:

Misogyny:

Not to mention the borderline misogyny from Sam and the community, I explained that another cause for my behavior is hormonal imbalance, and someone said "They get periods too but they don't freak out on people" Thinking all periods are the same is something men do, and is extremely Misogynistic and gaslighting behavior, not to mention the fact that they won't let me explain myself or have my own opinions (also misogynistic behavior)

Homo/Bi/Transphobia:

There are people in Sams community who think I'm not Bi because I am Anti-LGBT (I am not Anti-LGBT) I sent hateful messages because I was mad at Sam, and I'm insecure about myself, I was in emotional pain, and I lashed out, I know It wasn't right, but to say I'm not Bi-sexual is gaslighting and very Biphobic. Not to mention the things Sam said on their Deviantart:

Sam says that They/Them pronouns are "Tumblrina pronouns" that Bisexual and Pansexual are the same thing, and that there are 2 genders and 3 sexualities.

Not to mention a slur that someone said in chat that Sam allowed:

Ableism:

Sam has made fun my of mental disorders and disabilities for almost as long as I have been banned. Here is a list of Ableist things said and done by Sam and the community:

Compared my autism to theirs. After my meltdown, Sam came to yell at me and say "I'm on the spectrum as well but I'm not threatening violence, get some help and move on" (I did not threaten violence or anyone's life, I was depressed, and wanted to kill myself because I couldn't handle the heartbreak.

Sam claims I'm using my autism as an excuse to be a jerk. I'm not being a jerk, I have meltdowns, and I struggle to read social cues, which is common in autistic people.

Sam called me inappropriate, Clare (Daydreamer) Called me Cringe, and Crystul-Beth laughed at me for having depression and suicidal thoughts and made fun of me for crying as a result of severe depression, and would tell me to "get a hobby" even though I'm severely depressed (which was worsened by the ban) and I can't even enjoy the stuff I used to do.

They think Happy Hands, Hyperfixations on the Sims, and Brainrot behavior are the only symptoms of Autism, which is very stigmatizing.

Jules told me that banning me for having severe symptoms and refusing to seek help is not ableist. I am not refusing to seek help, I literally do not have the resources to GET help! Therapy costs a lot of money here in the U.S.

Someone in Sam's Chat told me that "I should learn to read social cues" That is not how it works, we can't just make our symptoms go away, and "Not being able to read social cues" is a VERY common symptom of Autism. Telling an autistic person to read social cues is extremely ableist behavior.

They made fun of Blind people (my dad is blind and I found the jokes very disturbing) Here are the screenshots:

8. Sam laughed at Machinima when someone mentioned they almost committed suicide and claimed that Suicidal people are manipulative, the kid was heartbroken, The body responds to heartbreak the way it responds to physical pain, it's not something to joke about, and to say people who commit suicide after a heartbreak are manipulative is disgusting!

9. They also make fun of Cindy (Pleasant Sims) for having BPD (which is one of the most painful and most difficult mental disorders to deal with.) Cindy lost her baby in the late summer of 2022 and has also been struggling with her mental health and PCOS. Sam claims she is using her breakdowns for content even though she is going through a lot and tries to cope in her own ways. (It's good that Cindy's husband got away from all that but still, it's hard to deal with Mental disorders, they don't just "Go Away")

10. Someone in the community also said I'm "Dangerous and Vile" even though I'm suicidal and I have meltdowns and psychotic episodes, I don't mean for them to happen, they just happen.

11. Sam also says that I'm causing trouble for attention, that is not true! I am going through a hard time, and I also have a hard time letting things go, I only wanted to fix what I have done, but Sam has been hateful towards ME, I never hated Sam for a second! I didn't mean for things to get this far, I just want to return to the community!

Samantha if you're reading this, I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused, but this is ridiculous! You guys have said terrible things in chat as well, you also stalked and harassed me by taking screenshots of my social media posts and taking them out of context, I only took screenshots of your messages to call you out on your hypocrisy and your own bigotry! I know I did wrong, and I tried to listen to what you guys said about me, I tried to educate myself and change my hateful ways, but you still think I'm a bad person! I tried doing better but you won't let me redeem myself, so I come onto social media to call you out! I only wanted to work things out, YOU ARE 30 YEARS OLD! Let's work this out like adults! PLEASE!

All I did in chat was talk about my job, that's it.

@sammysundog @herobrilne @bethisims @motherpsyduck @julescant @nonsensical-pixels @diwasims @gaypleasantview @annachibisims @annachibi @gnomethievery @cursyve @tobigrimsbabyfaces

DISCLAIMER: I am not trying to cause trouble, I just want to tell you guys that I'm not the bad person you think I am, and I want this to end! I'm sorry I made you all uncomfortable, but please don't hate me. I love and miss you guys. I wish I did better. I think you guys are good people, despite all of this that I mentioned in the post. Let's not fight or hold grudges anymore.

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spicedfink · 1 year

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Someone posted their opinion on tophabe and I'm not going to @ them since people are apparently being weird but it did make me want to voice my tophabe take because tbh it made me feel insecure and like I needed to explain myself because they were right and so real for what they said.

My thing with (s2) episode 8 is first off I can only process parts of it at a time because that episode made me uncomfortable Second is there is one major factors I take in when thinking about tophabe and a few minor factors: The biggest thing is Joan the canon end game love interest as far as we have been shown tried to point blank kill everybody which is objectively worse. As for minor factors I'll use bullet points: - Cleo also manipulates Abe not to that degree but for longer - All the cast are kind of bad people but the show only framed Topher's actions as bad which I found weird when I really thought about it then they said Harriet was a theater kid and I stopped caring about what the writing was meant to convey - Him giving good advice first in s2e8 reminds me of how I used to give a friend of mine bad advice as a joke when they kept ignoring my real advice and for some reason they took my joke advice seriously. - Topher wasn't in the classroom with Abe so he didn't know the teacher had been hitting on him so it feels like he's just making shit up on the spot - I don't see how Topher would have seen this working. Like it shows him being right there when it starts but like how? I know it's just because the plot said so but the actual "go sleep with this gross person" seems more like a "oh Abe would never actually do that" line of thought - like it reads more as "if I can get Abe insecure he won't ask Joan out" then "Abe will defiantly go for this" (still shitty but less) - It's a cartoon and their actions are exaggerated - s2e8 was such a horribly done episode all around that I can't do anything other than cherry pick it - poor mental health is hardly an excuse but man do I believe his therapist isn't doing him any favors (which is why I have his change therapist in my fanfics) - The fact they're still shitty high schoolers meaning they all have the most room for growth and I'm projecting my own journey of because and actual good person and figuring out my sexuality onto him (obviously wasn't his level of shitty but I said dumb shit and did weird emotionally charged things thanks to how I was raised and poor mental health) - Episode 1 of season 2 Topher got the t-rex arms so I attached myself to his character right then and there ("he's autistic just like me") - I like happy things. The show gave a character who they made clear was suppose to be disliked and bullied for being horrible and didn't show him do anything actually that bad until episode 8 out of 10. And before that ranges from normal weird teenager things he'd logically grow out of, trying too hard to be socially accepted and being mentally ill??? Like no. No I'm personally not going to think this character is a horrible person incapable of growth... And this is why my serious non one sided tophabe headcanons are all for when they are older because I really think Topher would, you know grow up and regret his past actions. Also since I see Topher as queer: internalized homophobia and the such are a bitch (speaking from experience)

I don't actually have a good reason for why Abe would like Topher back past I just think it'd be fun. If Abe gets with Joan and is friends with Cleo I think he should still be friends with Topher though

#clone high #tophabe #topher bus #a lot of my hcs are me working through my own shit #projecting traits you feel bad about having/that you had onto a character is helpful #epically if you write them a redemption arch #or forgive them for the flaw #no but people who hate topher are so real and right #like 100% they are taking what the show wants you to take away #I just started relating to him episode 1 over nothing then projected from there #also making him mentally ill really didn't help make me think he's a bad person #maybe stop making mentally ill characters villains/bad people??#I don't care if people want to share their takes with/at me #it probably won't change how I feel about it #but go ahead if you like #long post

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philsmeatylegss · 1 year

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Honestly I can’t keep quiet at this point. This generation and tiktok mostly made autism a fucking quirky trend and it makes me want to slam my head in a wall. I genuinely believe 70% of people online who claim to be autistic are not or either are confusing it with another disorder (on tiktok it’s 95% I’m not remotely exaggerating). iT’s A sPeCtRuM NO SHIT DUMBASS. I fucking grew up with an autistic sibling and I was constantly in other places with autistic kids who were higher and lower on the fucking spectrum. But none of them act remotely like the fuckers on #actuallyautistic on fucking TikTok. Controversial opinion I completely stand behind is that self diagnosis isn’t reliable expect for a few conditions. By that, I mean conditions that have clear cut symptoms. You’re always anxious about everything, you probably do have anxiety. But when it comes to Autism, that’s such a fucking complex disorder that even a lot of doctors don’t fully understand. 100% agree that many women, POC, and those who grew up poor couldn’t get a diagnosis and got it later in life. As I said, I was constantly around autistic kids and most were white men. It’s an absolute mockery and disgrace to those online and in real life who actually suffer with Autism. Including people on the high end of the spectrum! Most of these people say they’re autistic and then list the symptoms of anxiety. It’s not a fucking quirky trait or an excuse. It’s not fucking trendy.

And I can’t say anything like this on platforms like tiktok or id be ripped to shreds. People who have little to no real life experiences or knowledge about Autism attacking someone who was always so close to autism that it fucked me up (I know it’s not my sibling’s fault before you yell at me). I’m fucking tired of it. I’m so fucking tired

Very recently the term “glass child” came out which describes siblings of a child with a physical and or mental disability and or a chronic/life threatening illness. The term comes from the fact that a constant feature of being a glass child is being seen through, forgotten, our voices ignored. And when we, people who have had close years of interactions with these disorders try to explain to you why you might be wrong and you just fucking shut them down, you’re just as bad as the people who ignored me when I was growing up.

It happens on here to. Definitely not as often and definitely not as obvious. But I fucking hate that it’s become a fucking trend on here. Yes, I know it’s a way for those with autism to cope, but a lot of people reblogging it are neurotypical. I’m glad it’s a way to cope, but autism isn’t a fucking funny punchline. It is half of the reason I’m fucked up (once again, I don’t blame my sibling).

Remember in 2020 on mostly tiktok and other face showing platforms being LGBTQ+ was a trend and now people say “I’m glad I’m over that phase?” The same fucking thing is happening now with autism. And what’s worse is that it undermines the credibility of those who are actually suffering with autism. I can promise you in the next few years, there will be tons of posts like “remember when I thought I was autistic? Lol worst period of my life, so cringe.” And then it’ll fall back into obscurity once it stops being a trend and when people forget about pretending to be autistic and no one will give a fuck. It happened with fangirl culture. With being LGBTQ+. Only this is more important and not a fucking trend

Idk if I’ll get hate for this or delete it, but I can’t handle it anymore. This really mostly applies to tiktok, but this happens on every single platform. And it genuinely upsets me and I can’t even point out this problem. For fucking once in my life, LISTEN TO ME. I’ve been there. I was there the whole fucking time. I spent my entire childhood dealing with autism and severe mental illness from my parents. I went to so many doctors with him. I couldn’t chose where I wanted my birthday or celebrations about me because it wouldn’t be good for my sibling. Pictures, lines, family trip were filled with screaming. Leaving events early because my sibling couldn’t handle it. Sitting and waiting for him to stop having a tantrum in my room and having fucking no one ask if I was okay. Having none of my emotional needs met do to Autism and other present mental illnesses from my parents. I KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS LIKE. I SPENT EVERY FUCKING DAY SINCE I WAS BORN TILL I WAS 18 RIGHT NEXT TO AUTISM. I DIDN’T GET A BREAK. I WON’T BE ABLE TO LAUGH IN A FEW YEARS BECAUSE I CLAIMED TO BE AUTISTIC. I’M NOT SURE MY BROTHER WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE ON HIS OWN AND HE’L HAVE TO FUCKING LIVE WITH ME. THAT’S THE FUCKING REALITY. THAT’S WHAT AUTISM IS. IT’S NOT BEING AWKWARD AND SOMETIMES OVERWHELMED BY OBJECTS OR SOUNDS. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE I WAS THERE. I HAVE 18 FUCKING YEARS OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT AUTISM IS. I’VE BEEN AROUND MANY OTHER AUTISTIC PEOPLE WHEN MY BROTHER NEEDED SERVICES FROM AUTISTIC ONLY PLACES. I COULDN’T FUCKING YAWN FOR YEARS WITHOUT BEING SCREAMED AT. FUCKING YAWNING. AND THEN I WAS ASKED TO STOP YAWNING! THAT IS AUTISM.

My mom works with teens and young adults who are close to the bottom of the spectrum. These children will never be able to have a life. A lot of them don’t talk. Or they only scream or say random words. Some do repetitive actions, often ones that cause injuries. Bigger male student have to be restrained by two or three men because they will not stop hitting themself of breaking property and are unable to stop. That’s what it’s like. At most, Walmart has a program for special needs adults to be baggers. Once they graduate, they live with their parents and then their siblings. Or they go to care home that specializes in autism. We’re fortunate that if it were to come to that case, we would be able to afford a nice one. But most parents or siblings of autistic children don’t have the money to send them to caring facilities. That’s the reality. That’s what you’re claiming to have the same diagnosis as (I KNOW ITS A SPECTRUM). I pity the real autistic people and glass children on platforms on tiktok or really any platform that are having the severity of their illness become a fucking trend.

I’ll probably delete this. But I’m just so fucking upset about it and I’m not fucking allowed to point it out. I wasn’t listened to my entire childhood because of a condition you’re claiming to have. Just for fucking once listen to me

#rae’s rambles #delete later #glass child

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