#which is that they have hinted (actually more than that) to his eating disorders - not to mention alcoholism and general lack of self care

[soultoken-archived]

american comics are wild, man.

[bedoballoons]

GENSHIN BOYS WITH A FEM!THIN/UNDERWEIGHT READER???? ive always been rlly thin, so it’s not eating disorder related just a scrawny fem!reader

OOOOOO OKIE!! I've always been thicker myself so I hope I wrote this well! Thank you for your request and I hope you enjoy the characters I picked!!

─⊰💕𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤💕⊰─

{༻~Scrawny and cute~༺}

CW: Fem! Reader described as being very thin!, fluffy and sweet!

A/n: First time writing Gaming!! EEE so excited!! Hope I did him justice!!

(Includes: Lyney, Gaming, and Venti!)

𑁍༄Lyney:

You tried to stay perfectly still as Lynette measured you...how had you gotten in this position? You weren't really sure, all you knew was that Lyney was special ordering you a outfit for his next show and he'd asked his sister to measure you, only she seemed a little perplexed with the results. "You're eating right? You make sure to have three meals a day? Maybe even some snacks?"

You raised a eyebrow at her, "Yes of course. Why do you ask?"

She paused for a second, her features not giving any hint to what she was feeling, "Your measurements are just very small, for a second I was worried you might need to eat more."

"Nope, I was actually worried about that at first as well, but I always make food and she eats it. She's just naturally thin, which is exactly why I'm thinking you'll be perfect for the trick I have in mind...if that's alright of course?"

You and Lynette turned your attention to Lyney as he walked up to you, his eyes sparkling with inspiration as you contemplated his request. "Hmm do I get a kiss after the show?"

"As if you wouldn't mon amour~"

𑁍༄Gaming:

"Woah here let me get that for ya!"

"Watch your step, don't want you to fall!"

"Get to safety I'll take care of them!"

You'd heard them a few to many times lately, you knew Gaming was only looking out for you, he was a caring guy and he truly just wanted to make sure you were okay all the time...even if he was being a little to...over protective. Yes you were a bit scrawnier than he was...his claymore probably weighed more then you did, but that didn't mean he had to do everything for you..., "Hey Gaming? You know you don't have to do all that stuff for me right? I can do it just fine I swea-"

"Oh I have no doubts you could, I just figured when I'm with you, you shouldn't have to. Hmm how do I put this...you're one of the most precious things to me, so I want to take care of you." He scratched the back of his neck, a blush creeping onto his cheeks, "Maybe I was over doing it though...sorry. Promise i'll remember that for next time, for now lets enjoy some dim sum!"

𑁍༄Venti:

Venti wrapped his arms around your waist tightly and rested his chin on your shoulder, watching as ran your fingers over the details engraved in his lyre. He'd been teaching you how to play little by little everyday and now you could almost strum a whole song...but it still just didn't sound as good as when he played it, "Venti do you think one day my music will induce feelings like yours does? I want to play you a melody that leaves you feeling calm and happy, just like you do to me."

He smiled softly and kissed your cheek, his embrace growing slightly tighter around your slim waist, "I think one day you will make music that leaves everyone feeling calm and free, you have talent and a beauty even crystal flies would be jealous of."

You felt your cheeks heat up at his words and butterflies fill your stomach...one day. One day you'd play him a tune that explained every feeling just right and then when he held you tightly after, chuckling happily and making a joke about how he hopes he doesn't break you with his hugs...you'd tell him just how much you loved him and it would be the most perfect of days.

ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚~Have a nice day!~*⁠.⁠✧

[poisoned-pearls]

YEEEE you always have the correct thoughts I'm interested 🔥🔥🔥🔥

AUAUAUGHHH OKAY SO

Jamil’s voice actor has said himself that even he believes that Jamil and Azul could be close friends- I wanna point this out because that man definitely has some of the best understandings of Jamil EVER because he’s not only seen most of his voice lines, but he also gets the background notes we don’t get to see to add the correct kind of flavor to the voice acting- ANYWAYS

Jamil and Azul DO get along!! very well, in fact! If they are put against a common force or just, generally in an event together they do work well and even joke like close friends would!

Like, even when Jamil is being mean, he’s not malicious. He’s snarky, not actually trying to hurt Azul’s feelings- and they both KNOW how smart the other one is, and both aren’t afraid to mention it

(usually it’s Azul, but Jamil also consistently gives Azul credit as well. He doesn’t ever really downplay Azul’s merits and abilities)

And the funniest bit is- no matter how mean Jamil is to him, even with what some WOULD consider as bullying, Azul does not stop.

Which is WEIRD AS HELL FOR HIM. He was heavily bullied as a kid, so much so that it’s very obviously hinted at that he had/has an eating disorder (he wears the same size as Epel and Riddle, people who are a good ~20 ish cm shorter than he is- this is besides the point-) so to him, the reward of getting Jamil on his side is worth the thing that literally controlled his entire life and caused his overblot. That is how important getting Jamil is to him. (which also begs the question, why Jamil? Sure, some of it is definitely because he sees himself in Jamil, but since this is MY post, I also believe it’s because he has a crush on him.)

And he is CONSTANT about it- it’s almost hilarious how fucking often octavinelle or the lounge or even just himself comes up in his conversations with him.

And sure, it is a little weird that he seems to disregard Jamil’s constant no’s- BUT he also understands and watches Jamil more than anyone else, so I think he does this precisely because he knows that Jamil holds himself back.

Jamil can’t reasonably Say yes to him, because of kalim and his duties, but it’s the same thing with Jamil’s lab vignette, he so desperately wants Jamil to do his best, to succeed, but because Jamil will not let himself, he pushes and pushes to try and get him to fold and do what he really wants. To flourish. And Azul wants him to do it with him.

and the reason why Jamil is always so resistant to it isn’t because he genuinely wants nothing to do with it, it’s because he cannot understand or comprehend a relationship like that where they are equal.

He doesn’t want to be under Azul’s thumb, but this is exactly where their animosity comes from- the misunderstanding of their friendship and the dynamics with it. He doesn’t want to go to octavinelle, to work at the lounge, because he despises being a servant.

But master and servant is the only real dynamic he knows- he legitimately can’t understand how it would be any different, and because of Azul’s reputation and persona, he wouldn’t trust Azul’s word on it either.

(It is also very ironic that Azul’s persona, which was made to protect him from bullying, is the exact reason Jamil is so hostile towards him in the first place)

But here’s the thing- consistently, Jamil always makes note of Azul. He pays attention to him, (‘you sure love your cryptic little asides’ means that he’s actually paying attention to Azul to notice said asides and notice the frequency of them-) and he acknowledges him first.

I cannot stress enough how fucking insane it is that he not only acknowledges Azul first, but by full name. He is in basketball club with Floyd, he should know him well enough to say him by name, and hypothetically be more friendly with. Floyd is genuinely the safest person in octavinelle for him to hang out with precisely because he doesn’t scheme, so why in the world is he acknowledging Azul?? He’s already fucking suspicious of him and wants him off his back, so why not go for what should be his safest in?? Sure, it makes sense for him to actually talk to Azul because, classmates, but to completely disregard Floyd and put Azul first? Azul stands in the middle of them no matter what reading direction would be normal for Jamil (like if he speaks Arabic then it would be right to left/) it wouldn’t make sense to point out the one in the middle. Genuinely when people say hello to a group they know usually they go by name in reading order-

Okay genuinely not being insane about one moment in dialogue for a moment

Jamil and Azul, work so, so fucking well. They are just similar enough while also being opposites in the most complimentary way it’s crazy.

They work well as friends and as business partners and as people fighting together and as a couple, they flow together and it is always in my brain

Because all it takes is for Jamil to realize that Azul is not lying. He is not trying to trick him or butter him up he means every single word of praise he says and he will continue to say it because to him Jamil is worth the pain. THAT is why they’re soulmates to me

Because all Jamil has ever wanted was freedom, and to catch a break. To not be the one serving, but to have someone serve him, to understand him. and Azul does. Azul wants to serve him and to hold him on equal footing and he already DOES understand him

(And he understands Azul, as well, even if he doesn’t admit it. In all of those lines he notices things about Azul you wouldn’t if you actually hated someone. Azul gives him a sense of hope, in a subtle way)

[thefandomenchantress]

Teruko’s Mystery Brother: Who I Think It Is

Warning: This is a bit self-indulgent; I think it’s interesting, though.

So, if you’re anything like me and haven’t rewatched Chapter 1 for a while, you might be wondering what the hell I’m talking about. Since when does Teruko have a brother?

Well, it was originally revealed in the laundry room scene in episode 4 of chapter 1:

And I have an idea of who this mystery brother could be…Though I’ll admit it’s definitely more of a crack theory than something that I actually think could be true.

Alright, if you’ve read basically any post of mine, you know who I’m gonna say, because I’m constantly biased towards him:

Ace.

HEAR ME OUT HEAR ME OUT. I PROMISE I HAVE SOME SORTA OKAY EVIDENCE.

Alright, first up for sorta-okay-evidence, we’ve got the most obvious similarity between these two.

They’ve both survived a serious attempt on their life.

If Teruko has a brother, it wouldn’t be surprising if they both shared the curse of having terrible luck, but the universe balances it out with them being unable to die.

But Teruko’s life, what with her constantly being on the run all alone because of her luck, is much different than Ace’s life, if his nine siblings are anything to go by. But Teruko hasn’t been forced to practice a talent she despises her whole life and gained an eating disorder because of it, so it…kinda evens out? What I’m trying to say is perhaps they could both have the ‘bad luck but you can’t die’ curse, it’s just that their bad luck is expressed in different ways. If Teruko’s bad luck and it’s consequences were obvious the the family who adopted her brother, it could explain why they chose him over her. He seemed like he’d cause less trouble.

But this is all speculative, of course. Teruko never states that her brother also had bad luck; she just says he was effected by hers. So me saying her and Ace’s luck is sort of similar doesn’t do all that much to prove my case, though I do think it’s an interesting comparison. So second piece of what I’m calling evidence time:

Ace is the only other character to be confirmed to have grey hair.

So, in case you haven’t read all the ask games hosted by the DRDTdev, here’s a tidbit about Ace you might not know:

His hair actually started turning grey from stress, making him the only character besides Teruko with gray hair. According to a quick google search, genetics is the number one factor in hair greying early. So them both of them having grey hair in their early life could be a sign they’re related…Or simply a coincidence. Teruko’s hair started greying at the tips, but we don’t know where Ace’s hair originally started to grey. Now, onto my third piece of evidence:

Teruko’s prosopagnosia, and a particular CG of Ace.

You may be wondering how in the world Teruko’s prosopagnosia relates to this. Well, you can thank @/weightedblankett for giving me the idea to draw a connection between the two (not going to tag them because this theory is pretty unrelated to the one they talked about).

So, the detail they noticed is a strange difference between these three CGs of people fighting in chapter 2.

Now, what difference am I talking about? Well, Ace and Nico’s CG is different because Ace’s and Nico’s faces are shadowed and partially hidden, which isn’t a artistic choice carried over into the other argument CGs.

Which could be related to Teruko’s face blindness. But how does this relate to my theory? Well, what I’m trying to say is that you’d think Teruko would recognize her brother if he were in the Killing Game, disproving it could be anyone in the cast, let alone Ace. Yet this CG may hint at her not really recognizing his face, which would avoid that issue entirely. It seems like an odd detail.

Of course, she also hasn’t seen her brother since she was 5 and he’s likely to look different now compared to when he was a kid, so recognizing him would most likely be pretty difficult anyway, if she were to meet him. Onto my next piece of evidence: People probably won’t ship them.

OKAY OKAY THIS MAY SEEM LIKE A WEIRD ONE. But if you made two characters secretly siblings, you’d probably want to ensure that people wouldn’t accidentally ship them, right? Because that’d be pretty awkward once it’s revealed.

But the DRDTdev has confirmed Ace is canonically gay, which means that it’s rather unlikely for anyone to ship him romantically with a female character, including Teruko (Though as far as I saw Teruko x Ace wasn’t all too popular even before we learned this).

And that’s it. That’s all my evidence.

Now, all this so-called ‘evidence’ is fine and dandy…But one thing I can’t really argue against is this: These two look nothing alike. Ace’s skin is far paler than Teruko’s, their eyes are different colors and so is their hair, (other than the grey thing). They both may share a sorta similar body type, Teruko’s weight is 120 and Ace’s 118, but I think we can mostly chalk up them being rather light to Ace’s secret and Teruko not having a reliable source of food while on the run. All and all, you’d think they’d look way more similar if they were siblings. Which is probably the main reason this theory doesn’t even convince me, and I’m the one writing it, haha.

Maybe I just like it when side characters who seem unimportant get important roles, but I just think it would be kinda funny if Ace was secretly her brother. I hope this was, if not convincing, at least an entertaining read.

[sflow-er]

i dont mean this in a weird way but ive never seen anyone point this out ( prob bc its a bit weird to but yk ) but from the first season versus later on august looks like hes lost So much weight like his face just looks sm smaller ( dont mean this in a weird way to malte at all bc he also mentioned lisa asked him to workout more and get leaner before s2 so it was definitely a concious choice ) but i feel like it shows the progression of his ed well like with the scene with sara in s2 when shes in bed and hes staring at her he looks so skinny ☹️ crazy no one in show points it out or they dont show it more

Thank you for the ask, anon!

I want to preface this by saying I have zero interest in August or Malte's physique as such. I am way too old and way too ace to find him attractive or unattractive, and I strongly condemn any kind of body/weight shaming and judging people based on their physical appearance.

With that being said... I do think August is meant to have lost weight since S1 and that we are meant to make the connection to his disordered eating, body image distortion, and compulsive exercise (which I believe is not only related but also the presentation that we see the most often).

It is in fact mentioned once in S2E1 when the third-years meet at the party. August says he missed the trip to the Seychelles because he doesn't want a beer belly for the last semester. Of course, the real reason was that he couldn't afford it, but the excuse prompts Vincent to wonder out loud if he actually lost weight over the holidays. They don't talk about it any further, but as the scene comes very soon after we saw him eating that bag of kale/spinach as a meal, I think it serves as another hint of his issues escalating. This also makes sense if you consider his S3 explanation - he was at a very low point after Wille rightfully disowned him, and there was probably quite a bit of noise in his head.

I can't remember if I've read/seen the interview with Malte that you mentioned, but I do feel like I've heard the detail before. They could have also used makeup etc. to make August look leaner than Malte.

In any case, I think it's pretty realistic that people around August don't peg his ED for what it is. Again, this really isn't my area of expertise, but as far as I understand, disordered eating is still primarily seen as affecting girls/women, and most people only have a limited idea of how it can manifest. So if you're a young man like August and/or your ED presents differently from what people typically assume, it can easily go unnoticed.

[twstandsh0ut]

On Azul and shyness with a partner

Sooooo I've seen a lot of fics/headcanons on Azul being shy and easy to fluster in a relationship. And while yes, I can see that... I also see the opposite in the majority of situations. Character analysis under the cut, major story spoilers as well as spoilers for event stories and character vignettes (I spent... way too much time rereading everything...)

When Azul is first introduced to the player Grim is practically burning the school down and Azul is pretty quick to step up and offer his services to help. During the twistune Riddle calls Azul out on essentially playing with his food, and Azul in turn acts disappointed that Riddle isn't interested in messing with Grim more.

He's introduced right away as being confident and in control, with a side of sadistic. However, it's also pretty obvious he's looking to impress people, so you could infer that Azul is doing so to cover up insecurities. This is later shown to be true in Book 3 when we see Azul's past, and how panicked he gets when he loses his contracts. When Azul is in a position of power, he is very confident to the point of being on the domineering side. He craves power, and straight up gets off on being in a position above others. At the end of Book 3 we see a different side of him. In the flashbacks we see that he's very sensitive and has immense trauma from his childhood. This has translated into adult Azul having an eating disorder and being very particular about his appearance. He is extremely upset when the Ramshackle group sees his childhood picture... which isn't helped by certain people choosing to immediately judge him.

In events we see similar things. Beans Day shows Azul being confident to the point of cockiness. He's spent a full year preparing for this, accounting for dozens of scenarios, and the whole event is his master plan falling into place. Here we see how Azul gets when things are going the best for him, just like at the start of Book 3. As soon as things don't go his way (such as during the Ghost Marriage event) the overconfidence quickly fades away and Azul becomes more withdrawn.

So what does this mean for a partner?

I've seen a lot of fics and headcanons where Azul is shy about/doesn't like PDA. I actually think it would be the opposite. If he feels secure in the relationship, I believe he'd be showing his partner off at almost any opportunity. He really loves to flaunt having things others do not. We see that... literally any time Azul has the upper hand. So, I personally see him being pretty forward in public... as long as he knows his advances won't be rejected. However, if he gets even the slightest hint he might be rejected, I expect him to not make a move in the first place, or hastily play it off as something else. I see Azul as being more shy in private than in public. Since he no longer has an audience to show off to, that's where the nerves will start to surface again. However, I imagine if he's with a partner who is shy or easy to fluster (or on the submissive side) that once again puts him in a position of power, so in that scenario you would still see confident and in control Azul. But with a teasing partner? Or a more dominant partner that doesn't instantly give? You could fluster him. I do however feel it wouldn't happen forever, and would be more of an early relationship thing. Looking at his relationship with Jade and Floyd, whom he is comfortable with, you see them able to slightly fluster him... but he also seems largely immune to their teasing.

And that's the thing. Azul has spent waaaaay too much time around Jade and Floyd. There's literally a scene from the introduction manga where they're eating octopus in front of him to tease him. And Jade alludes quite a bit to teasing Azul all the time. So honestly, he would probably get flustered at first from a partner teasing due to it being someone new, but after a bit Azul's partner would really have to work at flustering him. Because honestly Jade and Floyd are a tough act to follow up on.

[katastrophic-n3vulaa]

A collection of my Jason Todd headcanons/AUs

if you're here from a fic, all headcanons/aus/special power shit is in here.

if youre here for any other reason, you know what you're getting into.

That being said, warning for death and rape mentions

Here is a reminder that i have not touched canon, just been told that characterisation is bullshit, and i have attached myself via hyperfixation to jason todd.

When a headcanon is referred to being in all AUs, it means it fits in all of them. Not that they’ll be relevant, or that they have even happened yet.

This is present in all AUs. Jason was trafficked and raped when he was younger. This ties into the Siren AU, and Jason is really good at comforting victims. Mainly through music or song.

This can be adapted into any AU: for the genderbent version of Jason, her name could be Medea or Medéa. From the Greek Μήδεια Mēdeia, possibly meaning someone who is pondering or cunning. It is also the name of a sorceress in Greek mythology that took nobody’s shit.

This is present in all AUs. Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Jason has chronic pain because he died, or if in Titans, because Trauma™. Sometimes it’s manageable, sometimes its crippling.

This is present in all AUs. When Jason was dead, he was in limbo. With him, was Death the Endless. She was actually very nice, and gave him the ankh, which shrinks down into a small but intricate tattoo on his left forearm, which allows him to shape his soul into anything, and when he does, the tattoo grows, spiralling out. Similar to the all-blades but far more versatile. He has hours until he needs to stop using it to stay alive. Death also talked with him and became an almost aunt or grandmother-like figure, which is true, considering her child is Gotham, and Gotham’s child is Jason.

There was a lady. With wild black hair, reaching her hand out, smiling at him. And a lot of red. And it was so quiet , oppressively quiet, the kind that traps you and drowns you and eats you from the inside out. Moonlight shines through the warehouse window. It reflects off the container, and his eyes glow green. (link)

This is present in all AUs. Gotham is sentient, and is the daughter of Death the Endless, and is Jason’s mother (technically). Jason is intertwined with Gotham, and the shadows show that. Jason has claimed the people of Crime Alley as his, so Gotham helps hide them: they can manipulate the shadows, disappear, and resist death, though not to the extent Jason can.

In any AU marked at the bottom with ‘Eldritch Gotham Shadow AU’, Jason is more eldritch than others. He manipulates the shadows and has a much larger well of power. He is the grandchild of Death the Endless, and here, both Gotham and him actually show the fact that they are eldritch cosmic entities, bound by breaking string into the husk of a city and a man respectively. However, the power is hard to control and is inaccessible most of the time. Major impacts are weird shapes in peripheral vision etc.

In any AU marked at the bottom with ‘Reflection AU’, the damage done to Gotham is reflected onto Jason. If there is a bomb, Jason will have a burn the same percentage of his body that the bomb destroyed of Gotham. When Gotham is heavily damaged, Jason is also extremely injured, but he can delay injuries reflecting onto him with the use of some runes. In some AUs, the reflection isn’t 1:1, and it doesn’t hurt Jason as much, but he is still injured. Being a mirror also grants him the ability to know almost everything happening in Gotham always.

In any AU marked at the bottom with ‘Shifting Inks AU’, Jason, when he was with the All-Caste or when he was dimension walking with magicks, he was tattooed with magic ink. The ink can change forms, but no matter what form the ink takes, it is vibrant and strong. Sometimes the ink takes the form of runes hidden inside art, or hints from Destiny and/or Dream the Endless.

This is present in all AUs. The people of Crime Alley call Jason’s gang the ‘Merry Men,’ after the group that Robin Hood led. This catches on, and now they’re unofficially called the Merry Men. To refer to multiple of them, they’re called Merries, and to refer to one, they’re called a Merry. They are all very close, and mostly consider each other family.

In any AU marked at the bottom with ‘Lazarus Pit Regeneration AU’, coming out of the Lazarus Pit would only heal injuries that are open(not scars, nor malnutrition)/ incapacitates them (makes movement impossible or extremely hard) so Jason is shorter, (maybe 5’5” maybe 5’6”, 5’7” at most - to the 5’4” he was at 15 and the 6’0” he was at 21), and has the build of a gymnast: compact muscle and packs a punch.

This build was inspired by my sister, who is only 5’4” but is an international medalist and can deadlift about three me’s at once. Also, I hate the fact that DC didn’t really have major diversity early, because, come on, be a little creative. Canon Jason is just Bruce but shorter and a little wider.

In any AU marked at the bottom with ‘Soul and Ghosts Sight AU’, Jason can always see ghosts and help them find peace and move on if they want to. He can also see people’s souls, and when he was young, he judged on instinct how safe they were. When he’s young, he’s brutally honest about what he sees and knows, which surprises a lot of people, but he can also get high off of positive emotions because he wasn’t exposed to them often when he was young. The soul reading (as he gets older) changes into seeing the presence of Death the Endless around someone, which – based on the shade - tells him how many people they’ve killed, how many people they know have died, how many people have died as a result of something they’ve done (not purposefully trying to kill), what deaths they blame themselves for, how close they are to dying, and their magic if they have any.

In any AU marked at the bottom with ‘Fire in His Veins AU’, Jason has fire in his veins. It makes him a heat pack. The Bats don’t know this, and when he gets really pissed off, it leaks out of his skin. Jason is involved in the magical community of Gotham. His ‘base power’ is the fire-lava veins thing, but it can be adapted into runes and constructs and shit. Anyways, he helps the magical community, and they all love him.

In any AU marked at the bottom with ‘Nonna Force AU’, the grandmothers, the aunties, the mothers, band together to make Crime Alley healthy. Heavily ties in with the Merry Men being family. All Nonnas are magical, all-powerful, omnipotent beings, and they are never called by their names, only variations of their title.

In any AU marked at the bottom with ‘Siren AU’, Jason has magic channelled through his voice, and he doesn’t sing a lot at all because of it. When he’s comfortable, he will, and some songs with memories attached/plot devices use golden magic to make constructs. He can also hear the songs of people’s souls, as well as those associated with memories. The Siren’s Blessing is something that was passed through Catherine’s maternal line, and when extremely desperate, those with the Blessing can call upon the Oceans, and this summons a few very pissed off Sirens. Because of the connection, Jason is friends with some Atlanteans, and he can also swim fast, breathe underwater, and heal quicker.

He loved singing as a kid, and Crime Alley knew Jason and Jeslyn as the Songbirds- not vigilantes, but if you get a good song, you get lucky. He learnt that singing could also get him in trouble and found out, so he only ever did it with Jeslyn or in private. They can also hear each other sing whenever they are singing, and when they sing the same song and aren’t near each other, golden constructs of them appear with each other, and when another person is sung to that also was Blessed/had a magical anchor, they could also project to them (as well as the Blessed who died, like Catherine), and any person who they have sung to. The Blessing is not designed to be hostile, but, because they have magic, they can cast spells and draw runes, even though it is hard to wield as an offensive power. However, when saying a vow (threatening, promising, being intimidating) their voice layers with others that stand by the vow as well.

In all AUs, Jason also has siblings, the oldest being Antonio, who was 10 years older than him and very dead, having been pulled into gangs by Willis. His closer siblings consist of Jasmine, a sister 4 years older, and then Jeslyn, his fraternal twin who is older than him by a few minutes. Jason is the tiny one of the family, as Jasmine is built a little like Willis and Jes is tall and willowy. Jes also has the Siren’s gift. But when they first got it, they were stuck in amber for like 2 years, and so Jes and Jay are 2 years younger than their birth certificates. In some AUs, Jay’s siblings are dead.

---

ok

if i use these to write oneshots, the AU/s in them will be mentioned at the bottom!

if you wanna use one of my headcanons, please credit me and tell me bc i wanna read it.

[all-thestories-aretrue]

This entire post is personal opinion, you don't have to agree, etc etc. Discussion of self harm, including cutting and eating disorders, and discussion content warnings and how they are used to follow, consider this your warning.*

Netflix could have done a better job with the content warnings for Heartstopper. Denoting every episode with a content warning for self-harm is not helpful.

Tagging every episode feels a bit like the boy who cried wolf except you don't know if it's a wolf or a bear or a snake he's actually crying about.

Not only are there different types of self-harm shown/discussed, they are also present to different extents and severities.

Once it becomes apparent that Charlie has disordered eating patterns and, is more than once, shown to be leaving entire meals on the table, it's easy to assume the cw for self-harm has been addressed or that there is no mystery behind it. The expectation is set that the cw refers to Charlie's eating disorder and what is discussed and shown about it.

So, in the last episode, when Charlie reveals he has cut himself in the past, viewers may be blindsided by the statement. The content warning has not changed but, ironically enough, the content and context has. There is no lead up to this reveal, no hints or foreshadowing that Charlie has struggled with cutting previously. The content warning is the only indication that something like this may be mentioned but with Charlie's eating disorder front and center for the middle part of the season, it's been established that's what the cw is for. Why would viewers assume there is going to be something else thrown at them in the last half of the last episode?

That instance alone is enough to show that self-harm is not a monolith, and it should not be treated as such. People's triggers to self-harm are not a monolith, and they should not be treated as such.

Self-harm is not one thing, one action you do to yourself. It varies wildly. It is context dependent. It cannot jusr be called just "self-harm" and the bases considered covered.

What about those who had no prior knowledge of Charlie's eating disorder and did not think eating disorders fell into the category of self-harm? What about those who did not know of Charlie's history with cutting? What about the people who were triggered because a content warning for self-harm is not descriptive enough for them to keep themselves safe?

The solution is to provide content warnings for eating disorders, for cutting, for other types of self-harm instead of self-harm as one entity.

I know this is one facet of a much larger problem, and I am sure that there are exceptions and flaws to this analysis and proposal I have not thought of. But I am tired of self-harm being treated as one thing when it's not and never has been. The term ignores the complexity and context in which those behaviors take place in, and it's not enough of a warning for those who need it.

This post is not to discount the fact that Charlie has an eating disorder or a history of cutting. In fact, I'm over the moon there's a main character of an incredibly popular YA series that has a history of cutting, and I deeply hope his story is treated with care and provides hope to teenagers who are struggling with the same issues. I have an entire other post I want to make about that representation.

*Tumblr blacklists posts that are tagged with self-harm or any variation of, so they will not be found in the tags below. My own content warning at the top will have to suffice until Tumblr no longer censors discussions around these topics as they are important, and the people having them deserve to be heard.

[a-student-out-of-time]

//I TOLD YOU ALL I’M NOT CRAZY!

*Ahem*

//But alright, let’s go over everything one by one:

WHAT I GOT WRONG:

So I was incorrect about where I arranged Eden and Hu’s secrets. Eden likes girls, and we still don’t know what Hu’s deal is, but it’s not looking good for her

Admittedly, while I thought it would be thematically appropriate, it doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. Eden could simply have chosen to be kind in spite of everything

So Nico is claiming they attacked Ace? Okay, fine, but I still don’t buy it.

WHAT I GOT RIGHT:

I knew Whit’s mom was dead

Shout-out to @newdanganronpaanotherv3​ for that detail about jockeys and their eating disorders, I never would’ve called that one on my own, but we were all correct

I knew everyone was gonna accuse Nico of being the murderer, but I remain adamant that they didn’t do this. Something is up with that entire moment and I don’t get it. It feels too staged for it to be genuine, and I’m wondering if this was something the actual killer of this case instigated somehow.

MY SPECULATION:

First off, I’d like to say that David is even more suspicious than ever before. There is no fucking way he got Xander’s, I absolutely refuse to believe it. Not only because it makes zero sense for Xander to be the mastermind, for the mastermind to already be dead, or for him to have anything other than the secret regarding survivor’s guilt.

No, David is talking out of his ass on this matter. He went last so he could bullshit an explanation, I’m certain. It’s going to be established that Xander and Min’s secrets were swapped and the two of them got each others’. It makes no sense on any level for David to have Xander’s secret.

Secondly, I’m 100% convinced my switch theory is correct now

Why do I say this? Well, look at the way that J’s been acting this trial. For one, she’s pretty verbal this trial, and it’s only episode one. Not just that, but look at the ways she’s been acting and the things she’s been saying.

That’s just funny, sure, but here’s one that confused me.

J, sweetie, we’ve known all about that for days now. I kinda would’ve thought you’d be used to it by this point. Also, why are you suddenly all embarrassed about it all over again?

And then there was this bit regarding Nico and Ace, which really interests me:

“Even if the person you tried to kill is still alive” feels a little too specific to include in a situation like this. She could’ve easily just said “Even if you didn’t kill Arei, you still tried to take a life.” But she added that extra bit there.

All of this feels very odd, especially when you also take into account what Whit’s been doing this trial as well: derailing the hell out things and refusing to give a straightforward answer. What did he say about revealing who the manipulator is?

That’s it. No elaboration, just “nah.”

And what happened when Teruko started asking Eden about the note? Whit chimes in again.

It’s like he’s trying to stall for as long as possible.

Meanwhile, Eden is adamant that Arei didn’t commit suicide, either by herself or with any assistance, but she’s refusing to elaborate as to why, exactly. She asks Teruko to back her up, but won’t give her exact reasons.

You know what I think is going on here? One that explains why, if my theory is correct, Arei hasn’t revealed herself yet, and it’s quite simple

Arei has a plan going on behind the scenes, and Eden and Whit are both in on it. Switching clothes suggests J was also in on, it, and given that Whit and Charles are super close now, that implies he’s also part of it

We have a conspiracy of possibly as many as five people who have their own goal in this trial, and it has something to do with the murderer and/or the manipulator. This group of people know some shit is up, and they’re trying to sort through the bullshit to figure it all out.

So there’s another thing Teruko’s distrust has earned her: being left out of this conspiracy gang, despite Eden hinting that she knew something and wanted to let her in on it too

Eden clearly knows more than she’s letting on, and it has to do with that torn note

[reireichu]

If your OC was canon, how would the fandom treat it? - For Sophie

So, I basically had to wait to finish writing Part VI before I could actually answer this question.

Welcome to the giant essay on the Honourable Miss Sophia Catherine Devereaux that absolutely no one wants.

Up until Part V, I would say that fandom's opinion and treatment of Sophia wouldn't be great. Sophie is exactly who she appears to be; beautiful, rich, inaccessible, perfect. She keeps it that way, she likes it that way, she puts on the mask and keeps it on for as long as she can. The little slivers of Sophie, who she is, it starts slipping out all the way through Part I to V. But most of fandom for Part I to V would find her incessantly frustrating, good, and empty and unapproachable--which is, you know, a very deliberate writing choice.

There might be a good amount of Sophie apologists, especially as parts of her get revealed. The hints of her eating disorder, the ambiguous reference to something that happened in her childhood, the slow revelation that she either has been pushed into being exactly like her mother or the opposite of her mother. I think there's a good amount of fandom who would be on the Sophia Devereaux Deserves Better train, because Sophie is very much, deep down, a broken, traumatised girl who has spent her life being repressed and manipulated by every single person around her.

Aegon and Sophie's relationship is probably polarising, because it's a slow burn that isn't very exciting, and the moment they fuck, she pushes him right away. She incites his jealousy by flirting with Rhaenyra. She basically activates Daemon's Creepy Batman mode. Why does she need all this when she has Aegon? This would probably be one of the most frustrating things for fandom, either the people who WANT her with Aegon, or the ones who want 'better' for Aegon. Honestly, it's easy to paint Sophie as a bit of a bisexual bicycle slut, considering that it's hinted that she and Cassandra Baratheon had also been a thing.

Sophie's beauty is something that would also have this great discourse in fandom--is Sophie more than her physical asset, which is her beauty, or is she just this shallow vessel that people project their desires onto? Who the fuck is Sophie fucking Devereaux and why does everyone want to fuck this girl who doesn't give anything away except a witty remark and a dry laugh. She's a projection of ideal feminine beauty, with modern career drive. She's nice and compassionate, she can be a judgement upper class bitch--she's been raised that way, she's a sheltered and manipulated trauma victim--she would inflame a lot of hatred and love. I also think that for some people, she's boring or she's annoying. And then for others, they might identify in her traits about themselves that is a reaction to trauma in their own lives, or a projection of how they react to society--some of this might or might not be writer projection, la la la.........

Fandom's favourite thing for Sophie would basically with a generational comparison to Alicent. Deliberately set up, Alicent and Sophia--two white, wealthy, well bred girls who are being hunted by Targs left and right. Alicent and Rhaenyra in their girlhood versus Sophia and Cassie in theirs. Rhaenyra and Alicent versus Rhaenyra and Sophie. Alicent's distance to Aegon versus Alicent's distance to Sophie. Their physical appearance--although, Alicent has distinctly auburn hair, she and Sophie both have very big big eyes that emote their every thought. It's revealed that Dalton's nickname for Sophia is 'puppy' and her eyes are the reason for that. Those big big eyes, which actually was one thing that Aegon subconsciously draws comparison to his own mother about. The parallels are all there, setting up Sophia to be preyed upon and targetted and ruined by a Targaryen man (or woman), and then...

HELLO THE GHOST OF HAMLET'S FATHER IS HERE TO SUE ME FOR CREATIVE LICENCE.

Enter, Cathy fucking Devereaux.

The ghost of Cathy Devereaux running around like a demented version of Hamlet's dead dad is the best thing about this fic, and I won't hear otherwise because Cathy brings me too much joy as she has singlehandedly devastated every man I put in her fucking path.

The parallels of Sophie and Cathy take over slowly, the shift around Part IV. There's a lot of Cathy in Sophie's memory, even though Sophie stated in Part I that Cathy died when she was ten years old from a sailing accident. It's a throwaway line, drawing this comparison of her and Aegon's relationships with their mothers that then does this face turn, and that's when I think fandom gets really either frustrated as fuck with Sophie or actually want to just put her into therapy. Cathy is this phantom looming over Sophie's shoulder. The beautiful dead girl, the one and only late Catherine Devereaux who Sophie bears a strong resemblance to--I would live for the fucking gif comparison for these two. But to basically be a projection of her mother's memory, I think that's where there's this concern for Sophie. It's taken a toll on her mentally for her whole life--she's described herself as having 'battled nature in my own heart', which is a key thing: is she battling being like Cathy or being the opposite of Cathy? Which is it? How confusing would that be? Who the fuck wants to spend their entire life being compared to the one who came before? I think that's where the fandom view of Sophie slowly slips a bit, they'd honestly either love or hate the amount of influence Cathy has over Sophie even though she's been absent for most of Sophie's life.

Part V, aka the Daemon interlude because how the FUCK did Daemon get his own fucking chapter (I cannot even, I still cannot even--you know what, fandom can either be outraged or happy, I don't fucking know. Daemon's fucking interlude exists bc Hamlet's father deemed it worthy); you start seeing hints of Sophie from a lens that isn't Aegon's or her own. Albeit a Cathy fogged lens, but you still Sophie and Daemon talking, you see how she pushes and pulls a person away with such nonchalance, but you also see that Sophie deliberately plays with fire.

There's going to be one small part of fandom that would gif the fuck out of 'Sophie's staring at someone' to discern whether she's thinking of ruining their whole career. I would again live for these gifs. I will also live for the comparison of them to Alicent and Cathy.

Fandom would also have a blast discussing the Sophie - Alicent - Rhaenyra - Cathy - Laena soft power versus hard power. I wish I could touch more on Laena's divorce, but that's not happening due to the narrative (or for now, because let's face it, I want to see her obliterate Daemon and call him out for being a crappy dad). It adds into the viewpoint of how women either have to push or manipulate and the way they do it. IDK, to me, I would be fascinated over that sort of thing.

Okay, so all of this builds until Part VI where for one gloriously horrid scene that had so much fucking dialogue I wanted to punch every single man in the room (hey Larry!), Sophie's attractiveness, her charm, her appeal, her standoffishness ruins her in the eyes of the viewers and in the eyes of Aegon. A man killed himself over her! She fucked her teacher! She broke up a marriage! She's had an abortion! She's done this to so many people, she's fucking Rhaenyra, she saw you and put you in her crosshairs.

Sophie is a wicked bitch.

She's her mother's daughter.

Beautiful, selfish, wicked.

She's slept around on them, she'll sleep around on you, Aegon. She's the cold perfect bitch you knew she was, and you fell into that trap anyways. Fuck her.

Why is it that Aegon can't have nice things. Did he do this, does he just keep choosing shitty people? He did coke off his brother's fiance's D cups, he drives his lambo into hospitals. Aegon isn't a saint, he's down in hell, but she fucking knew he was damaged and she still decided to toy with him.

And then well.

It makes you wonder, how many people forget the thing that made Rhaenyra worthy of protection, how many people forget that just like her, Sophie was just a girl as well. Alicent was just a girl. They were just young girls in a world where the wolves feast on girls lost in the forest of old country estates.

Fandom, I think, would have no idea what to fucking do about Sophie at this point, because dear readers, no one ever really knew Cathy. She was a beautiful ghost.

Her daughter is exactly the same.

.

.

.

Okay fine, I was being dramatic as fuck.

I think by the end of Part VI, fandom will erupt into two camps where you will either love her or hate her. You can believe what was said at the intervention, or you can question it. How much of it was true? How much of it was real? What part of her 'relationship' with Aegon so far has been real? And then, and be united in the question of "what the fuck happened and what truth are they hiding?" and also united in the camp of "alicent's marriage makes me want to commit violence" and many other things. I'm firmly in the "raise your hand if you've been personally victimised by Cathy Devereaux" camp because I'm writing the whole fucking thing.

Some of the things they said about Sophie at the intervention was true. I won't tell you what was true, you can work it out yourself.

Yes, Sophie has been seeing Rhaenyra since the benefit, one and off.

Aegon, the inflamed little hypocrite, has been fucking Cassandra. I like to think that this is equal opportunity sluttiness for them both.

But, there is something that I think fandom can appreciate about Sophie in a way. I think that Aegon's compassion towards Alicent, how he says to her what Sophie said to him, seeing him lost and broken, the first compassion he's shown to his mother in a long time, I think that some of fandom will appreciate the fact that this was something Sophie has influenced. She's never tried to fix Aegon, but there is an influence there. She's not going to tell him to stop being a trainwreck--she's a bit busy, being haunted by ghosts, being a doctor, telling Jace and Hannah off for being so cute together--but she has gotten through to him without forcing it onto him. It's a rare thing, but it's one of the parts of the story that I've been trying to build towards.

Also, in other breaking news, I now have to write the rest of this fucking melodrama, so excuse me as I go fling myself into the lake with the exiled Russian prince's drowned wife.

Stay tuned for another episode of meta and insight no one asked for, next week featuring the rom-com known as Jace Velaryon and Hannah Kim and how Jace mispronounced bulgogi!

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2022 Reading Challenge - Book 11 of 26

Title: The Last Sun (The Tarot Sequence #1) (2018) ***REREAD***

Author: K. D. Edwards 

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Urban Fantasy,  First-Person, Unreliable Narrator, LGBT Protagonist 

Rating: 8/10 

Date Began: 05/28/2022

Date Finished: 06/01/2022

Rune Saint John and his mind-linked Companion Brand are the only survivors of the fallen Sun Court, one of the ruling Arcana families of New Atlantis. Decades after enduring a terrible assault, Rune lives in obscurity with Brand, eking out a living performing odd jobs for the city’s denizens. When former benefactor Lord Tower hires Rune and Brand to investigate the disappearance of Addam, a scion from the Justice Court, it seems like a straightforward job. 

But the perpetrators responsible have grander plans than kidnapping; they summon an ancient evil to accomplish their goals. Such a creature could destroy the city if it gains full power. When it takes a specific interest in Rune, he and his allies have to find a way to defy the odds and survive.

Damn my eyes if I’d triggered a prophecy. I already had enough of those in my life.

Review, content warnings, and minor book/series spoilers below the cut.

Content warnings: Depicted-- Abuse, child abuse, graphic violence, gore, death, animal death, graphic sexual content, slavery, recreational drug use, fatphobia (kinda), ableism, mind control, non-consensual drugging, self-harm, PTSD, sexual assault, brief but graphic descriptions of past r*pe and torture, suicidal ideation, blackmail. Mentioned—Mass death, p*dophilia, b*stiality, suicide, cultural appropriation, disordered eating, underage drinking, homophobia, colonialism, warfare.

The Last Sun is a trip to reread after finishing The Hourglass Throne. I underestimated SO MUCH about this first entry in The Tarot Sequence. There’s a staggering amount of well-crafted, hidden foreshadowing; it’s unlikely you’ll catch even a fraction of it on a first pass. Turns out some of my criticisms were not only completely intentional, but not even problems at all! That being said, there’s still definite weaknesses— which are more noticeable after the improvements in subsequent books. I’ll go over the good and the meh while keeping spoilers to a minimum.

I’m always a sucker for early foreshadowing that doesn’t pay off until much later. This shows a level of forethought and intent many stories lack. It’s clear that the three main twists of The Hourglass Throne were planned from the start based on the level of setup in this book. Everything from general hints, to lines you will ONLY understand on a reread (and are honestly rude), to Very Deliberate Wording that plays on the reader’s assumptions in order to conceal the twist. That last example is my favorite, because I can REMEMBER what I thought when I read specific lines… and now I know what they actually meant. It’s sneaky and deceptive but doesn’t outright lie to the reader. And it’s awesome.

It’s safe to say Ciaran’s my favorite supporting character at this point. I remember feeling ambivalent at best about him on the first read. He’s weirdly competent and helpful, but Rune assumes he’s just a self-interested prick until the end. It seemed odd to me that he’s Definitely A Side Character yet he just… keeps showing up to help. This is all incredibly funny now. Ciaran has so many snarky comments that don’t hit that way on a first read; basically all of his dialogue and actions read different with later context. It’s great; I’m glad Ciaran’s secretly the funniest character in the series.

Something I perceived as a weakness on the first read was how temperamental and dramatic Rune comes off in certain scenes. For example, there’s a part where Rune figures out Brand has a death prophecy surrounding him. If Brand accompanies Rune to Farstryke during the story, he’s guaranteed to die. Once the shock wears off, Rune freaks out, consumed by guilt that he almost unintentionally killed Brand. On a first read, this seems like an extreme reaction; he got plenty of warning about it! No harm done! Being upset is understandable, but why the guilt spiral? Why an entire (realistically written) panic attack? On a post-Hourglass Throne reread, though? Hooooly shit, no fucking wonder he reacted like that. If anything, Rune shows a remarkable level of composure.

Beyond new revelations, there’s also setup for things that haven’t paid off in the main series yet. Even on a reread I wonder if I’m still missing hidden details. Mystery Woman makes a brief appearance in this book, and the ending of The Hourglass Throne plays her up a lot. I have to imagine she’s part of the next arc. There’s also multiple references to waves and floods from the seer characters (Quinn and Ciaran), and based on the prophecy Lord Hermit drops at the end of book three, the connection’s hard to ignore. It’ll be interesting to see what setup The Hanged Man has for these ideas (and of course the aforementioned book three twists).

Outside all the extra context/foreshadowing, The Last Sun is an entertaining story. There’s (obviously) a neat tarot motif which ties into the worldbuilding. It’s got great, genuinely funny banter, a personal weakness of mine. The close relationship between Rune and Brand gets so much attention and development that it’s hard not to feel invested. And there’s several intriguing mysteries this first entry sets up. Even knowing how it pays off, I love that Edwards establishes Rune as an unreliable narrator so early. On its own I wouldn’t call The Last Sun the most amazing urban fantasy I’ve ever read, but there’s a solid foundation for a series, and it’s serviceable for a debut novel. So it’s great to know how much better the next two books are.

That being said, there’s still weaknesses with The Last Sun. Thankfully most get addressed in future entries. The most obvious issue is the repetitive and predictable story structure. The plot’s basically a loop of (1) characters travel somewhere new, and (2) characters get attacked by monsters. Rinse and repeat. There’s very little variation until the ending chapters. I stand by my statement that the first book feels like it’s adapted from a D&D campaign; it gets to the point where the moment Rune & Co travel to a new place, you’re counting the pages until they get attacked by zombies or some other generic fantasy creature. Future books are much better about this. Both The Hanged Man and The Hourglass Throne lean into horror, mystery, and found family elements that aren’t as prominent in The Last Sun. This adds a lot of variety to both stories and makes them much more fun to read, in my opinion.

Another change is related to Rune’s past assault and torture. It’s a foundational, horrific event that changed the trajectory of his life forever. The Last Sun describes what happened in direct, sometimes graphic detail. While this approach is obviously shocking and disturbing, I think future books handle it much better. Starting with The Hanged Man, Edwards steers away from graphic descriptions and instead focuses on Rune’s thoughts and feelings surrounding his trauma. This approach is much more powerful, especially in The Hourglass Throne. Rune’s despair and terror feel so genuine, which makes his moments of triumph and recovery all the more poignant. It feels much more emotional and impactful.

There are miscellaneous details that change dramatically between books. Prose quality in general improves. The Last Sun also has very few women in it outside a secondary antagonist. I suspect that Edwards changed this based on feedback, because The Hanged Man and onward feature many nuanced and compelling female characters (including Lady Death, who’s one of my favorite characters!). The Last Sun DOES set up Mystery Woman, which is something, but we still don’t know her full role in the story.

There’s also some casual ableism that vanishes in subsequent books. I get the sense that some of this is Rune’s character; part of his recurring development is realizing that he’s kind of a prick and becoming a better person. There’s a part where Quinn challenges Rune for treating him like an idiot, and Rune drops the behavior. Nevertheless, I’m glad it’s something Edwards re-thought in future entries, because I definitely don’t miss this aspect of the narrative. It’s not severe or overwhelming, but still enough to be bothersome.

I highly recommend The Tarot Sequence. It’s quickly grown into my favorite ongoing fantasy series. Even if you read The Last Sun and aren’t blown away, trust me when I say The Hanged Man is fantastic. It addresses basically every criticism I have about this first book. The Last Sun also has LOTS of hidden depths to it you simply will not catch on a first read. My main caveat with this series is a decent chunk of it revolves around confronting sexual trauma, which will obviously be triggering to some people. The third book especially is a realistic depiction of PTSD and all that entails. But I would love to talk with more people about this series! If you read it please let me know. I’m excited to reread The Hanged Man and see what feels different now.

[ablednt]

Ok so update at about 11 chapters into this 63 something chapter long book (not as long as you think these chapters are pointlessly short but too long for this concept boy can I tell you)

Taking a break to write down some of my thoughts somewhere other than my notes document but to summarize my biggest gripe with this book and also summarize the plot our main character Skylenna (almost every character has some made-up fantasy name and I think Skylenna is more stupid sounding than the time we committed the same crimes as a kid and came up with "Raviella" as a name idea/hj) knowingly gets a job at a graphically violent and abusive psych ward

I thought from reading the synopsis that she was doing this so she could gather evidence of the abuses going on in there, like they were somehow being covered up. Instead, she's started working at this psych ward because her special empath ass is just so kind and smart that she'll reform it from inside despite being in nothing even hinting at a position of power to anyone except the patients.

She's such a good little empath that she gets a nonverbal person to speak to her and she's like yayy now they'll start taking me seriously here and let me make this place better!

And it's just. Yeah ok I hate this I hate everything about this how does this allegedly anti-psych media manage to be the most potent psych ward nurse propaganda I've seen in my goddamn life.

Also if you hate the brand of cis white feminism that thinks corsets are the sign of oppression and were literally killing helpless victorian women rather than just being like. bras. you're going to be even more uncomfortable with this book because it replaces the concept of corsets by having the government make every woman in the country have a mandatory eating disorder like literally anorexia or bulimia they are told to pick one and if they don't do this they're sent to the asylum. This is awkward and unrealistic to how nuanced societies work enough but it's emphasized how Horrible it is to be a woman in this society to a ridiculous amount that is actually so fucking uncomfortable.

The main character taking a fancy bath with oil in it and putting on lotion was described more vividly and as if it was more horrible than someone experience actual water torture and I have no fucking clue why but it is So Fucking Weird and unsettling to read.

I deliberately chose not to look up any of the criticism this book was getting because I want a genuine/unbiased first thoughts review on everything but when I learned about the book from the beginning of a review I didn't watch the youtuber mentioned she was linking to videos of a trans person talking about the transphobia in the book so I am really not going to be surprised if the author is terf adjacent somehow.

Oh and when she's empathing all over the place she describes the mentally ill people she's helping (all of which we've met so far are convicted murderers by the way) to animals and says it makes her feel like she's playing games with children when she communicates with nonverbal people.

The plural character hasn't even been introduced yet because everyone is too afraid to speak his name or go near his door and it's this big mystery on who this terrifying person is. The ableism of that aside it's so funny to me that so much mystery is supposed to surround this character considering the entire synopsis goes into detail about him so we know exactly who he is already.

I have a lot of thoughts on the structure and overall writing of the book (it all really sucks lmao!) but I don't feel like typing those up right now.

[wellfine]

Seeing the Sanji gaining weight after wci post immediately after the SH body types post made me wonder if your Sanji is... actually underweight/close to underweight? Like it doesn’t seem quite Sanji-Zeff dynamics to remain distressingly underfed dispute an athletic lifestyle but at the same time, ‘Sanji doesn’t believe he deserves more food than some unfeeling distant guide to correct living tells him he does’ feels very correct. So I imagine he stress eats during WCI and gains like 15 kilos and then post wci loses maybe 5-7 of those kilos, ultimately coming into equilibrium at something closer to a healthy body weight now the true depth of his trauma has been laid bare & accepted by the straw hats

Oops! You activated my deep Sanji headcanon trap card! Lotta words below (CW for talk of disordered eating)

I definitely drew/see Sanji as being a little underweight due to a difficult relationship with food, which I tried to hint at in my notes, but I tend not to say it outright that often because it always invites people with weird attitudes about disordered eating/underweight bodies/etc. I also tried to contrast between his "repose" and the other characters' to show how his body fat percentage tends to stay lower, while the other characters fluctuate (e.g. Zoro) or stay at a higher BF% and end up with less visible muscle definition as a result (e.g. Usopp).

To be totally honest with you Sanji has a lot in common with people at risk of disordered eating - traumatic childhood, being told he was worthless, especially based on his failure to achieve physical 'perfection', total deprivation of control over his earlier life (both when he was on Germa and when he was starving with Zeff), specific lack of control over his food (starving with Zeff especially), a love of food that manifests in preparing food for others' enjoyment rather than his own, and general difficulty accepting his own self-worth (running to Germa in order to save anyone, his difficulty accepting that Luffy wanted him as his chef, his attempt to sacrifice himself at Thriller Bark, etc).

People have misconceptions about what an eating disorder is, and whenever I try and bring it up, there are people who say he could never have one because "he starved once, why would he ever go hungry again!!" (when food scarcity especially in early childhood is a HUGE contributor to developing disordered eating) "he's a chef he loves food" (not everyone with an eating disorder hates food) "he's not underweight" (I mean, thanks to their overrepresentation in media people don't always recognise what underweight bodies really look like, especially when those people are also muscular, but to wit, you do not need to or want to be underweight to have disordered eating) "he's not a teen girl" (eyeroll emoji)... and not even touching the worse comments that dump on people with disordered eating etc. in order to insist their fav could NEVER, as if it's a moral judgement to have an ED, and implying it would somehow be an insult to Sanji.

Fact of the matter is most people's disordered eating has nothing to do with how they look, though I think you could also make the argument Sanji meets that criteria, too (I don't think a dude whose most defining character trait - tied with his eyebrow - is that he covers half his face 24/7 could be described as "confident in his appearance"). Most eating disorders emerge from a lack of control, which is like... Sanji's whole thing. He had no control over his life at Germa, he had no control over his situation on the rock, and we can see how fastidious he is about other aspects of control in his life as an adult. Monitoring his food intake down to the kilojoule is a very likely way he might deal with the trauma he's gone through. There's also the desire to make invisible/internal trauma visible, like other forms of self-harm. I think Sanji both wants people to worry about him and also wants nobody to know anything is wrong with him whatsoever and so it could easily manifest in passive ways like this - Zeff or Nami etc. worrying over "have you eaten enough?" is much easier for him to process and accept than anyone recognising his internal trauma.

All this to say, I think Sanji - probably without even consciously realising it - has a complicated relationship with feeding himself that manifests in him maintaining a borderline-underweight BF% for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with his appearance. I don't think he would've been underfed while at the Baratie, but I still think he would've been developing controlling compulsions around food that would've grown more once he left that environment and was solely in charge of not only his nutrition, but an entire crew's.

I think he probably tries to make sure he eats enough, mostly so that he can still be a useful and functional Straw Hat, but it's a manual thing. Like he doesn't realise until he's back underweight again and starting to notice the effects and has to pour butter over all his meals for a few weeks, lmao. And I think he definitely struggles emotionally with the idea of not "deserving" or "earning" certain foods, and using food (or lack thereof) as a way to punish himself. Add on to the fact that he's been smoking since he was a kid so his appetite is probably shot to hell, and I think you just have a guy whose natural inclination is not to eat more than absolutely necessary and oh, oops, he has a whole ship full of people he loves more than anything he has to feed first, guess he'll just have to make do on the scraps.

A few others have also pointed out the aspect of weight gain as a form/result of healing from trauma, and I can totally see this for Sanji, too. Comfort eating often stems from the exact same reasons as restrictive eating, control/lack thereof again being a major one. I don't think he would have to lose any of the weight gained in order to be happy or healed, though. Maybe he would gradually lose some of the weight he gained during WCI, maybe he wouldn't, but I think overall the arc works as a very appropriate backdrop to explore Sanji working through and starting recovery from disordered eating on top of his recovery from his other traumas.

[tomhiddlestonfanfic]

Together

CHAPTER NUMBER/ONE SHOT: One shot WHICH TOM CHARACTER: Actor Tom PAIRING: Tom/Reader GENRE: Hurt/Comfort WARNINGS: Eating disorder, ED-NOS, Anorexia Nervosa PICTURE CREDIT: @prislaa​

Taglist:  @waddlenut​

Together

You stood there in front of the fridge, trying to find something to eat. Something that would help you feel full but didn’t contain too many calories. You had put yourself on a strict low calorie diet, but hadn’t told Tom about it. In fact, you tried to keep it secret from him. You didn’t like lying to Tom, and that was the main reason you were standing there; if he asked you if you had eaten, you could tell him yes without it being a lie.

With a sigh, you grabbed some vegetables from the fridge and decided to make a salad. As you cut the cucumber you frowned upon hearing the sound of the apartment door opening. You glanced at your watch. Tom was home several hours earlier than you had anticipated.

“Darling, I’m home,” you heard his voice call from the entrance hall.

“I’m in the kitchen,” you replied as you put the knife down on the kitchen worktop. You smiled at Tom as he walked up to you and leaned in for a kiss. Your lips met his and you felt a hint of coffee on his lips.

“You haven’t eaten dinner yet, have you?” Tom asked hopefully as he glanced down at the vegetables on the cutting board and worktop. “I know you like to eat early, that’s why I rushed home. I was hoping we could have dinner together for a change.”

You felt a sting of bad conscience as your heart sank. This was exactly what you tried to avoid by eating dinner early each day. You didn’t want Tom to see how little you actually ate. While it was sweet of him to get home early in order to eat with you, you found it difficult to appreciate his efforts. You swallowed the lump in your throat and forced a smile as Tom took a step back to look at you.

“Are you alright?” he asked with a slight frown. He looked concerned.

“I’m great,” you replied and smiled even wider, hoping it would convince him that you were fine when you actually felt like crying.

“Are you sure?” he asked and looked at you pensively for a moment.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you said, avoiding eye contact with him as you stepped aside to let him grab the knife from the kitchen counter.

“Good,” he said, but didn’t look entirely convinced. You watched as he cut the vegetables for the salad you had been making. “What are you having with the salad?” he asked when he was done. Your eyes widened slightly with horror. He was expecting you to eat more than just the salad for dinner.

“Umm…” you uttered and scratched the back of your neck nervously. “I had a big lunch so…” you mumbled, carefully avoiding eye contact with him as you lied.

“So you were just having salad for dinner?” he asked and you nodded. “What did you have for lunch?” he asked casually as he made his way over to the fridge where he took out some feta cheese and olives. “Let’s make it a greek salad,” he suggested with a smile. You nodded at him in agreement and watched as he proceeded to prepare two plates of greek salad. “You didn’t answer my question,” he added and looked at you with those piercing blue eyes that sometimes seemed to see right through you.

“What question?” you asked nervously.

“About what you had for lunch,” Tom said and your mind began to race. You hadn’t eaten any lunch, nor had you had any breakfast. This was supposed to be your only meal for the day.

“I had,” you said and glanced around the kitchen for inspiration to your lie. Your eyes landed on the glass container of spaghetti sitting on the counter. “Spaghetti and…” You looked at the feta cheese on the cutting board. “Cheese sauce?” you added, making it sound more like a question than an answer. Tom frowned slightly as he looked at you.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked concernedly and touched your forehead gently. “You’re cold,” he pointed out and proceeded to grab your hands in his. His touch was so warm that you nearly flinched, as though you had just been burnt.

“You’re warm,” you replied and looked down at your hands. Your fingernails were slightly blue and your fingers were cold and stiff. You tried to relax your fingers and let them intertwine with his. You welcomed his warm touch and rested your weary head against his chest with a sigh. You felt his chest move as he proceeded to sigh too. He let go of your cold hands and wrapped his arms around you. You froze beneath his touch as he gently touched your ribs and prominent spine through your shirt. His touch was very gentle, and yet, it almost hurt. Your entire body felt sore nowadays, especially your lower back on which you had bruises from doing sit ups on the floor.

“You’re disappearing on me,” Tom whispered sadly into your ear as his hands proceeded to trace your hip bones who were more prominent now than they had been when you first started dating him. It had been a while since you had been intimate with each other due to your lack of libido, so he hadn’t really noticed how much weight you had lost since you kept hiding your body underneath baggy clothes. You bit your lip and shut your eyes tightly as you let him continue to feel your body. “[Your name],” he said seriously. “Did you really have spaghetti with cheese sauce for lunch?”

You felt your eyes watering as you slowly shook your head in response. You couldn’t bring yourself to lie to him anymore. It was obvious that you had been found out.

“I suspected that much,” Tom said gently. “Have you eaten anything today?” he wondered and you shook your head again.

“I had some coffee for breakfast,” you mumbled.

“Some coffee isn’t enough,” Tom sighed and held you ever so gently, as though he was afraid that your fragile body would break underneath his touch. It was almost as if he was aware of the fact that his touch almost hurt. You resisted the urge of moving away from him and clung to him instead. You felt the fear of abandonment wash over you as you hugged him harder than you had ever done before.

“Please, don’t leave me,” you pleaded as tears rolled down your cheeks.

“Why on earth would I do that?” Tom questioned and sighed deeply. “I promise I won’t leave you,” he added in a gentle voice, as if he somehow understood just how scared you were at that moment. In response to his words, you began to sob. You felt horrified, but at the same time somewhat relieved that you had finally been found out. You had felt so cut off from Tom as the obsession over losing weight had taken over your mind. You hadn’t realised until now just how much you had been isolating yourself from him and how lonely it had been keeping your secret from him. “It’s going to be alright,” Tom assured you as you cried into his chest. It didn’t feel like things were ever going to be alright again. You felt exposed and it was as though your whole world was falling apart.

“You don’t know that,” you objected dejectedly.

“Yes, I do. I know that it’s going to be alright, because I’ll make it alright,” Tom insisted ardently. “You’re not alone in this. I’m here for you,” he added reassuringly.

“It’s not your job to make it alright,” you told him sadly. You didn’t want him to feel as though he was somehow responsible for your wellbeing.

“I’ll make it my job,” Tom said.

“No, Tom,” you told him and placed your index finger on his lips to silence him when he was about to object. “It’s not your job to fix this. I know you want to make everything better again, but it’s not your responsibility. You deserve so much better than this. I’m so sorry,” you apologised. He was so much better off without you.

“Are you trying to break up with me?” Tom asked and looked at you sadly.

“I don’t know,” you replied truthfully. Maybe it was for the best, you thought to yourself. After all, you had neglected him. He did deserve better than this. “Maybe it’s for the be-”

Tom interrupted you with a passionate kiss and you couldn’t resist kissing him back. Were you out of your mind? Of course you didn’t want to leave him, he was the kindest person you knew. You loved him so much. You needed him.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Tom pleaded. You shook your head at him. It was supposed to be the other way around. You should be begging him not to leave.

“I won’t,” you assured him and placed your arms around his neck, pulling him in for another kiss. “I could never leave you,” you realised. You couldn’t bring yourself to leave him, even if it would probably be for the best.

“Good, because I love you so much,” he said. “We’ll get through this together.”

“I love you too,” you said and looked at him with tears in your eyes. His words were reassuring and made you feel so much less alone than you had for a long time. “I love you so much,” you added, knowing it was true. You would get through this somehow. Together.

[cuziloveyou7]

Festering feelings

Pairing: Bokuto Kōtarō x gn!reader

Wordcount: 1.7k

Warnings: angst, mentions of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Also kind of mentioning eating disorder?

A/n: I know I said I don't like angst and stuff, but since I'm a walking angst piece right now... here ya go! I did it! Someone help me out bc idk how to do tw! If I missed something please tell me! Also please bare in mind that this is my first real fic after not having written anything for 7 years.

This is not proof read, I made this around 1.30am bc I had an idea.......

It was slow, very slow, yet very fast. The first thing that happened was just build up tension. You were mad, frustrated. You needed to vent but didn't want to bother anyone. You would usually confide in Bokuto but he was so busy. The Olympics were coming up and he was training so hard. Each time he came home he was even more tired than the day before and the day before that. So you just did what you always do, suck it up and keep your mouth shut.

-----------

You were slipping. You felt it gradually happening. Not like the times before, when for the most part you didn't know what was happening. No this time you knew.

A week. That's all you could handle. Slipping up here and there, mentioning tiny details to your best friends. Until eventually you just wanted to scream on top of your lungs on the highest building you could find at that moment. Luckily one of your friends caught on and asked you out for a walk around the park.

The two of you talked for hours. Finally getting it off your chest. It felt like such a relief. You felt like the situation was under control again. Nothing wrong. A false alarm? Or maybe just in time before the damage was out of anyone control.

Another week passed. You absorbed yourself in work, house duties and watched some episodes of your favourite anime. You cherished the little time you could spend with Bokuto and loved the stories he would tell you about the team. Your best friend also checked in on you, because they were still worried about you even though you brushed them off saying all was well.

But that nasty tiny feeling inside you was still there. A little unconscious, but festering each day, oh so slowly.

It started with getting tired more often. You blamed it on work. But even on your days off, you would wake up feeling exhausted. You would be so drained even when you did nothing but watch TV or play games to pass the time.

The next thing that happened made you more aware of your situation. Your friend asked you to go out for a walk again. You guys talked, gave an update on what was bothering you but switched the topic to an update about your friend's life. While they were telling you about their life you noticed you weren't exactly paying attention. Your mind wandering off to nowhere, zoning out of the conversation. You felt bad. Your friend had been there for you, listening to all your problems and yet here you were not really paying attention to them.

The same goes for Bokuto. He would come home, ask you how your day was and continue with telling you about his. As much as you loved his stories about the antics of Hinata and Kageyama or the other players, you actually couldn't be bothered in the least. Responding with a 'really?', 'Oh yeah...', 'that's nice'.

Next came closing yourself off. You just wanted everything to get over with. Counting the minutes down for when you could finally go home from work and curl yourself in a blanket on the couch. When Bokuto came home you would usually be "too absorbed" in whatever was playing on the TV or you would already be in bed, blaming it on work or just being tired.

You started losing interest in all the things you liked. You couldn't occupy yourself anymore. The days became longer and longer. You started losing your appetite. Only eating when your body basically screamed for nutrition and even then you would sometimes ignore your own body's scream for food.

At some point, you were just so done. Not caring to force a smile on your face anymore. Plain up ignoring your friends when they texted you. And when Bokuto would come home. The lights would already be out and you would lay in bed with the covers over your head and your back facing him.

Usually, Bokuto picks up very fast on your moods and emotions. Having gone through his well famous emo modes when he was younger. The two of you were always open and honest with your feelings and emotion towards each other. It was something you guys as a couple prided yourselves on.

It was also something you especially needed. Having gone through horrible panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Talking yourself down was/is also something your very good at. And Bokuto picked up on that very quickly when you just started dating.

To some Bokuto seems very carefree and not aware of his surroundings. But in actuality, he's very emotionally intelligent. So he struck up a conversation you would've never guessed you'd have on one of your many dates. Bokuto eased you into it, told you about his emo modes and made you comfortable enough to let you open up about your experiences. This actually helped you go past the blockade that was stopping you from making this relationship official.

But with Bokuto training for the upcoming Olympics and him being away from home more often than not, it was easier to go unnoticed for him and easier for you to slip and fall into a deeper depression.

After weeks of walking around like a zombie, you finally broke down. You had a day off. When you woke up Bokuto was already gone. He texted you later that day saying he would sleep at the training centre because training would go on longer than normal.

It had been a beautiful day, the weather was nice, the sun had been shining, the warmth of summer started to peek through. It would have made you giddy had it not been for the nasty pest growing bigger and bigger inside you. When dusk came you felt it bubbling up. You tried really hard to ignore it. Tried to soothe it with some episodes of your comfort anime. Tried to pick yourself up and pamper yourself with some extra steps in your skincare routine but it was all in vain. Once you stepped inside your shared bedroom you felt the tears trickling down your face. Through your tears you searched for your earbuds, plugging them in and searching for the best sad songs playlist you could find. Shutting off the lights as you lay down in the middle of the bed.

At first, you just lay there, looking up at the ceiling, silent tears streaming down your temple, past your ears into your hair. You felt the tears slowly make their way past your scalp until they finally touched the soft pillow behind your head. You turned your head getting uncomfortable from the feeling of your tears. The pillow your head lay on smelled like him, it's smelled like everything you loved, comforted, his favourite shower gel, a hint of sweat, it smelled like warm sunbeams on an early summer morning, it smelled nice. This made you break down in sobs, which became louder the longer you went on. You stuffed your face in his pillow, threw the covers around you, trying to silence your sobs and screams. They were too loud for you, agonising pain shot through you. You felt alone. Spiralling deeper into a dark hole that was your mind.

-----------

When Bokuto stepped inside your shared apartment he tried to be as silent as he could. The lights were out, a sign that you would probably be asleep already. While trying to get his shoes off Bokuto debated whether or not he should wake you up. He noticed you being unusually tired and sleeping earlier than you normally would. He looked at the clock hanging on the wall, 9.04 pm. A soft smile crossed his features. Maybe he was a bit selfish but he decided to wake you and tell you about his surprise day off coach gave the team. Shuffling around in the dark apartment trying not to bump into any furniture he neared the bedroom door.

The smile Bokuto had on his face disappeared in an instance. His heart dropped when he heard your muffled sobs. You sounded tired. As if you had been crying for a while now. Bokuto rested his head against the door, gripping the handle until his knuckles turned white. How could he not have noticed it before? Sure he was busy, but he always noticed when you started feeling down. Was he not paying attention to you? Had he been too absorbed in his own world? Why didn't you tell him anything? You guys told each other everything. What got you down like this so bad you wouldn't open up to anyone, not even him. But most of all, he was angry, angry at himself for letting it get this far.

But right now that wasn't important. What's most important is you. Without further hesitation Bokuto softly opened the door and stepped towards the bundled up form on the bed.

---------

You felt a cold rush of the air when your blankets lifted up from you. Goosebumps made their way onto your skin. But it wasn't long before you felt a comfortable warmth surround you. Nothing like the suffocating warmth from your blankets. Two strong arms held your body. You didn't have to look up to see who the arms belonged to.

No words were spoken between the two of you. You started sobbing a little louder again until you felt the soft vibrations of Bokuto humming. Taking your earbuds out you looked up at the man 'Kou..' you sniffle softly, but before you could continue Bokuto laid your head back on his chest and started petting your head 'It's okay now. I'm here. Let's just stay like this okay? We'll talk tomorrow' he gave your head a soft kiss before continuing humming again.

Tired from all the crying combined with the soft vibrations coming from Bokuto humming you closed your eyes. Your worries drifted away, tomorrow was another day. You would tell Bokuto everything. But for now, you felt content, safe in his arms. The bad feelings slowly subsiding for at this moment, he was your light, he was the warmth you were desperately searching for, he is your home.

[sailorhyunjinz]

𝕴𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝕷𝖔𝖘𝖙 𝕾𝖔𝖚𝖑𝖘 𝐈𝐈

© 2021 SailorHyunjinz ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

Pairing; Bartender!Changbin x Fem!reader (she/her pronouns)

Warning ; ANGST!!! SMUT!! skz side characters, semi-slow burn, hurt/comfort, strangers to lovers, depiction of mental disorders, consumption of alcohol, tobacco use, dysfunctional families, mentions of undereating, vague hints to eating d-sorders mentions of crimes, mentions of blades, fainting, mentions of dr-g use, arguments, mentions of savior complex, mentions of childhood neglect, depiction of depression, mentions of needles, mentions of blades, yelling, mentions of hangover, parental issues (lmao cherry just say daddy issues), arguments

𝘕𝘚𝘍𝘞 ; PIV, unprotected sex, hair pulling, drooling, getting caught, masturbation, fingering, clitoral stimulation, orgasm (f). 

(fic header made by @yjeongs! thank u cora <33) 

𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 ; 10.0 k 

From one survivor to another; cheers you guys. 

O N E ｜ T W O

                        ⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ Playlist ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Drugs N Hella Melodies - Don Toliver, Kali Uchis

Life is a Bi... - Bibi 

cigarette and condom - Bibi 

Empty Trash - LØREN 

Noir - Sunmi 

NEED - LØREN

Pretty Boy - The Neighbourhood

(hint hint look at the lyrics <33)

𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥.

𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘧 18.

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈𝐈 ; 𝐌𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐢𝐚

Three months.

Three months of booze, questionable substances, friends and most importantly. 

Him.

Seo Changbin. 

You never knew you could feel this deep about someone, there hadn’t been a reason earlier in your life since everyone in it either used you or abused you. But you knew he was different from the first time you saw him that night in the dark room, injured and surrounded by 7 other boys that were now your closest friends. Why would anyone ever want to leave this place? There was everything! Free drinks, ear-deafening music and your boyfriend. This was heaven for a hurt soul like you, so why would anyone search for an exit in this box of traitors? 

“O-oh fuck! Changbin!” you cried out as the momentum of his thrusts made you jolt forward, hands desperately trying to grab onto the black leather of the sofa you and him had made love on countless times, the door always being unlocked since there wasn’t a lock and this damn parallel universe wasn’t gonna install one anytime soon. 

Changbin grabbed your hair, twisting it around his hand as he pounded into you from the back, the supple valleys of your ass wobbling with each movement. Your voice became frail, stuttering and moaning his name in broken syllables along many other pleas and swearwords, the way your words became incoherent the longer he fucked you made his head lull backwards, pure music to his ears unlike that shitty music that blasted through the speakers on the dancefloor that was just next to the tiny dark room that was currently filled with the scent of sex and lust. Your head was tilted up, eyes tightly shut as you clenched around Changbin’s leaking cock that was jackhammering into your wet cunt, his dick glistening with your slick every time his hips moved away from you and reflected in the minimal light of the room. He grunted as all kinds of lewd sounds were heard from you, the skin slapping against each other and the squelching noise of your pussy being filled with his cock. His hands had a tight grip on your hips, his fingers digging into your skin as the pleasure surged through every nerve of his body, sweat beading around on his temples. Your arms could barely hold you up, quivering and risking to collapse under you causing you to put your head towards the seat, warm cheek against the slightly cold leather. With your back fully arched your ass perked up, Changbin hitting exactly the right place in this position, a small stream of drool hanging from the corner of your swollen lips. You were so close to your release, hanging on by a thread to not tip over the edge and be sent spiraling down an earth shaking orgasm. 

“C-changbin, I’m gonna f-fucking cum” you stutter, reaching your hands backwards to which he let go of your hair and instead grabbed your wrists, holding you in place and pushing you down onto his cock. Your voice was no longer a whimper but instead a scream, goosebumps erupting on your soft skin as you panted, Changbin viciously thrusting inside you and being fueled by your pleasured sounds, he got off by the fact that you felt good. You were so close. So close.

“QUICK!! FELIX FUCKING FAINTED” Jisung said, bursting through the door but immedietly regretting his decision as he yelled out into the room that was now filled with your yelp and the loud club music from outside. 

“For fuck sake Jisung! Knock!” Changbin growled at the boy, you trying to grab your clothes off the floor and desperately covering yourself as Jisung stod in the doorway with panicked eyes, flailing his arms around in an anxious state. He was more appalled by seeing Felix passed out than he was seeing Changbin fucking you from behind. 

“NO TIME FOR KNOCKING, JUST FUCKING MOVE” he said, signaling his hands to follow him. In a haste you put on your clothes that weren’t much more than a skirt and a tight shirt, oh and of course your sexy panties, you had leveled up from your previous looks that made you look like a distressed mother of 4. Now you knew when you were gonna pass out and you even teleported in the phonebooth instead of injuring your head against the wall as you fainted. Changbin did the same, putting on only his pants as he ran after Jisung, you following shortly after, scared about what you were gonna witness.

The main dance floor looked like it usually did. People high, drunk or both, dancing and singing their hearts out, falling over and tumbling down on the floor. The whole place reeked of straight liquor and the music was loud enough for anyone to go deaf. You held Changbin’s hand as he dragged you through the crowd, not letting his eyes go from Jisung’s figure that was leading the both of you to the back end of the club, pushing through people and muttering small apologies that couldn’t be heard by even yourself. When you got to the end of the big place you saw Felix, his back and head against the table as he was completely knocked out, his legs dangling from the end of the rectangular table. You climbed on top of the soft seatings of the booth, putting your cheek near his nose and mouth. You didn’t hear if he was breathing but you were assured as you felt his cold breath against your hot flesh, sighing in relief. 

“How is he?!” Jisung yelled, “is he dying?”

You shook your head, grabbing his limp wrist and putting your pointer and middle finger on the underside of his limb, his veins not visible in the dark lighting of the club. His pulse was stable, beating faintly. 

“He’ll be alright!” you yelled back, the concerned gazes of the other boys standing around the boy exhaling as they heard your words, Changbin going closer to Felix and putting his hand on his shoulder, shaking the boy and repeating his name over and over again but to no avail. Seungmin rubbed the palm of his hand against his exposed forehead as his hair was pushed back.

“I’ll stay here with him, Changbin fetch me a water bottle and,,, wait,,, why did he even faint in the first place?” he asked, the boys looking at each other until they landed on Jisung that looked distressed, his pinkish lips quivering. 

“Probably a nice concoction of no food and only alcohol” he said, peering down at his black boots, his hair flopping onto his face, too shy to meet the gazes of his friends as if he had done something wrong himself. Seungmin could only sigh, you patting Jisung on the back as you walked through the jumping crowd again, the song changing as you heard Seungmin say “get him something Changbin��, their voices fading into the beat as you walked with Jisung behind you. 

Jisung slammed the door as you two were back in the room that had only moments earlier been filled with helpless whimpers and pleas. You threw yourself on the wrinkly couch, looking away in shyness when remembering that Jisung had caught the two of you even if everyone knew that you guys fucked in that very same room whenever there was time and Changbin wasn’t standing in the bar. The young boy sat down on the dark floor, leaning his elbow against the seat of the sofa as his twinkling eyes met yours. 

“I,,, just don’t understand” he said, you tilting your head in wonder as he uttered those words.

“Don’t understand what Sungie?” you said, the walls almost vibrating from the bass of the song from outside. He sighed as he momentarily looked away from you. 

“Felix,,, like it’s so clear that he needs help, just over the last few months his cheeks have sunken in and his eyes are completely matte and lifeless” he said, his voice trembling as a lump of tears was stuck in his throat. 

“But aren’t you the same Jisung? You need help too, help to stop thinking that everyone is your responsibility. I understand that you want to help him,,, but you carrying everyone's emotional baggage has landed you here. Felix will get help by those that are capable of getting him that help, you aren’t Jisung.”

His eyes shot up at you, dark as his eyebrows furrowed, his jaw clenching in anger. He felt attacked, commenting on his actions usually made him feel offended. 

“I am capable of helping him. What about you then huh? You can’t even help your own boyfriend” he snarked, running his hand over his hair in frustration. You rolled your eyes at him, watching him as he bit the inside of his cheek. He needed to do that, he couldn’t tell you the fact that one day your boyfriend is just gonna disappear since he’s actually taking matters into his own hands and getting help. 

“Don’t say that Jisung, we both try our best,,, let’s not fight over something we can’t control” you say, your voice getting frail by the end of the sentence.

“Can’t control? We can, we can help each other!” he said, banging the palm of his hand against the warm leather of the couch, making you jump in fear. You dropped down on your knees, your eyes being on the same level as his as you looked at him, the young boy diverting his gaze immediately.

“Jisung, look at me.” You grabbed his other hand that was resting in his lap against the rough material of his jeans. “We try, that’s the best we can do. Change comes from within. Nobody can save us if we don’t save ourselves.” Jisung sighed loudly, swallowing harshly, the both of you flinching when somebody burst through the black door. Changbin was carrying Felix on his back, the male still passed out on his broad shoulders. Your boyfriend looked puzzled at the scene before him. His girlfriend holding hands with one of his closest friends, sitting close enough to feel his breath against her cheek, both looking like two helpless deers caught in headlights. He furrowed his eyebrows as he walked into the room, throwing Felix off his shoulder and positioning him into a semi-prone position in order to open the airways. You and Jisung stood up, looking at the blonde boy and how his eyelashes layed gently against his lower eyelid. Changbin looked at Felix for a while before turning to you with a serious expression. 

“So,,, what happened here?” he said to which you shrugged.

“Me and Jisung just talked,,, about Felix” you answered, Changbin uttering a little “oh” as his previous rather unfaithful suspicions were proven to be false. “There’s no need to worry, he’s breathing so he won’t be in any medical danger as of right now but somebody needs to keep an eye on him,,, in case something changes.” You smiled at him talking.

“Alright doctor Changbin” you said while giggling, hugging him and him wrapping his sturdy arms around you, looking at Jisung’s mellow expression, eyes brimming with tears as he sat down on his knees on the floor once again, pushing a lock of hair from Felix’s delicate face, cupping his cheek that was once plump but now gaunt. Changbin pulled away from your comforting embrace and patted Jisung on the shoulder, bending his knees to get closer to him. 

“Do you wanna keep an eye on him, Ji?” he asked to which the boy nodded, not answering with words, not even a gaze at the male that was talking to him. He turned around to look at you, pointing his chin towards the door, signaling for the two of you to get out and leave the two boys alone to which you nodded, following Changbin out and gently closing the door behind you by turning the knob and releasing it slowly. The music got louder and louder as you two walked in the long corridor before ending up on the main floor, the corridor going to the bar and you could only get onto the dance floor by exciting through the wooden gate of the bar. 

“I’ll go find the others, you should work!!” you yelled through the music and Changbin nodded, giving you a kiss on the lips before you exited through the gate, being careful to knock any of the liquor bottles on the walls over and causing a ruckus like you’d done once before, being black-out drunk and trying to hobble your way through to god knows where, accidentally swinging your arms towards the shelfs. Luckily everything restores itself in this universe.

People were doing their usual activities in all corners of the club, making out against a wall or jumping, spilling their drinks on the floor that Changbin would have to mop up afterwards when he steps in the sticky liquid that pressed up against ones shoe. It was impossible to see who was who in the dark room, the neon lights on the roof changing colors but not making it easier for you, especially not with the commotion around you, individuals bumping into each other. In the distance you saw a hand waving, a familiar hand that was decked out in maybe a thousand silver rings, all with intricate designs that could only be seen from up close. Next thing you see is Hyunjin jumping, the bedazzled hand belonging to the long haired blonde male that always made sure to use the most expensive perfume. You made your way over to him, the male smiling brightly as he sat down on the edge of the cubical sofa, the other males being around the table that Felix was lying unconscious on just a brief moment earlier. The table was filled with half empty beer bottles along with red glimmering packs of cigarettes that belonged to some of them. Hyunjin patted the seat next to him, scooting closer to Jeongin that was ruffling his slightly sweaty hair, putting the bottle green top against his lip and taking a sip, his adam's apple moving as he swallowed. 

Hyunjin was different, different from anyone else in this place. You’d expect him to have the best life imaginable due to his family background. His father was the CEO of an influential business and his mother being his fathers assistant, both living a lavish life and providing for their only son, Hyunjin. But no amount of wealth can buy happiness. You don’t know the entire story but what you have heard when he was drunk and barely able to speak is that he was bullied all throughout school, struggling with the pressure being put on him by his parents to become a businessman just like his father. It ate Hyunjin alive to everyday go to sleep and feel like a failure that wasn’t able to live up to his parents expectations. He wasn’t worth this lifestyle he thought as he mindlessly doodled on the edge of his college application papers, it was easier to end it. He felt like a coward, always taking the easy way out but that’s how he’d lived his entire life. Getting help wasn’t an option, it would bring shame upon the family if anyone found out that he went to therapy and besides, his family didn’t believe in mental illnesses, it was simply to “go on a run” to feel better. “Then why the fuck am I not feeling better? I’ve ran miles but my mind runs faster” he wrote in the small black notebook he kept in his bedside table, hiding it together with his cigarettes under piles of papers and books. That’s how he ended up here, being together in a little group consisting of Chan and Minho along with some other people that had already departed from the place he felt the safest. 

You gave a smile to Hyunjin, grabbing the beer bottle in front of him, earning a little “hey!” from him but you drank it anyway as you laughed at his reaction, the bitterness spreading throughout your mouth. You exhaled, putting the bottle down harshly, the loud sound being drowned out by the music. Hyunjin laughed along with you, he seemed kinda distant, his pupils dilated. With furrowed eyebrows you looked at the other boys that looked back at you in a confused manner. 

“Something wrong y/n?” Seungmin asked, his cheeks slightly red from the heat that was radiating off everybody in the room, the tension heightening the temperature. Your eyes landed on Minho who looked equally as dazed as Hyunjin, looking up at the ceiling as the crown of his head rested against the dark walls in an uncomfortable manner. 

“You guys definitely did something” you said to which Hyunjin laughed, now stealing Minho’s drink since he was completely immersed at how the colors changed. 

“Of course we did,,, if we were gonna do it, why not here?” he said, looking at you through hooded eyes, his gaze sharp as pin needles, the black smudged eyeliner around his eyes not making it easier to escape the way you drowned in them. It was true, here was the place where you could be yourself, do whatever you pleased and act reckless as long as you didn’t hurt anybody, a rule Minho found difficult. It’s not that he wanted to hurt people, it’s just that he couldn’t help himself. Something bad was gonna happen if he didn’t. So that’s what the switchblade was for, not to hurt anyone but just in case he needed to add another felony to his list. You didn’t even wanna know what substances that ran through his veins but you felt bad for him. He was a slave to his own thoughts, sometimes even his own actions. He had no other choice but to obey them, do everything that the voices whispered faintly into his ear, a serenade of revenge to everyone that has never believed in him, considered him a shame and neglected him. No, not him. His inner child. 

Seungmin grabbed the red carton of cigarettes, the crimson wrapper unfolding itself when he opened the lid and grabbed one of the deathsticks whose orange ends were looking up at him. He picked one up, putting it to his lips and patting down his sides in search for a lighter but to no avail. He sighed out of the corner of his mouth, gesturing towards Hyunjin by flicking his pointer finger upwards, the blonde boy reaching over to his pocket and retrieving a white lighter that he put on the glossy mahogany table and scooted across it, Seungmin grabbing it as it nearly fell to his feet. He thanked Hyunjin by lazily saluting with two fingers before igniting the cigarette, the deep purple fading out into a light orange at the tip of the flame, the smoke evaporating around Seungmin as he puffed, exhaling straight ahead of him, poor Jeongin beside him coughing. 

“What’s even the purpose of these?” Jeongin said, grabbing the packet and examining it closely, twisting and turning the small box.

“What’s the purpose of your life?” Seungmin answered with an evil laugh, you wanting to bend over the table and smack him across the face for talking like that to the youngest. Jeongin shrugged his shoulders, smirking at Seungmin.

“Touchè I guess” he said, a smile hiding his pain. “Can I get one?” he said as he nudged Seungmin on the shoulder, the boy already taking his second puff. Seungmin didn’t answer, simply placing the cigarettes and Hyunjin’s white lighter in front of him. You stared at Seungmin in disbelief for a moment before throwing yourself over Hyunjin’s lap, grabbing the two objects and clutching them tightly in your hand. Hyunjin flinched at the sudden commotion, all the boy’s eyes were on you, tilting their heads like confused puppies. 

“Don’t you even dare Yang Jeongin” you said, him looking at you with twinkling innocent eyes. He nodded and you turned your head back to Seungmin. “And you, no actually all of you, quit it” you said, a moment of silence flew by before all of them bursted out in laughter.

“fucking,,, tell that to your boyfriend first” Minho said, him finally awake from his trance “if you manage to get him to stop then we’re all with you y/n” he said, laughing, his two front teeth poking out like a rabbit. You sighed, looking at the four boys but noticing Chan was missing. 

“Where’s Chan?” you asked, Seungmin shrugging as he exhaled grey smoke again.

“He hasn’t arrived yet,, don’t know what he’s up to” he answered, putting the orange end to his plump lips, pink in color but this being impossible to see in the changing neon lighting. “I wonder how Lixie is doing,,,” he added with a sigh. Good you hoped, the last three months have been nothing but a downward spiral to hell for the boy, everyday the gleam from his eyes got duller and duller until they were matte with fatigue. You remember a distinct moment that happened in the first couple of weeks in the club, you still getting to know the peculiar characters that moved around in this place. Felix was sitting in the bar, you sitting right next to him, the whole conversation was difficult to hear due to the music and chatter from people but you guys made do. 

“You know that song? By Radiohead?” he said. You shrugged and shook your head.

“Which one?” you asked, taking a sip from your drink that was unfortunately made by another bartender, Changbin not being there yet. 

“That one where they sing ‘I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul’” he said with a giggle, grabbing his glass and taking a swig of the poison in his glass, decorated with lemons and limes. You laughed with him, not knowing what he meant, thinking he was just spewing random words at you from being intoxicated. 

“Yeah, what about it?” you said, the young boy’s smile fading away as he gulped, placing down the drink. 

“I don’t know,,, I often listen to it on the bus or home alone,,, it tells me something but I can’t place my finger on what exactly” he said with a loud sigh, resting his cheek on his hand that was bent against the dark wooden bar. 

“Isn’t it the lyrics?” you said, “the fact that you want to be perfect in every way?” Felix hummed for a minute before nodding his head slowly. 

“It’s not even that I want to be perfect because that’s what society taught me,,, it’s because I live in a false reality where I believe that people will love me and appreciate me more if i tweak everything” he blurted out, going silent and sipping his drink slowly. 

“I’m happy that you know that it’s false but,,, what’s stopping you?” you asked, looking at the boy whose eyes were gazing at the wooden stick inside his drink, stirring it over and over again. 

“Because,,, if I stop,,, I won’t be sick enough” 

The both of you got silent after he remarked those words. Felix got silent because he thought he’d said something wrong. You got silent because you knew how that felt, that someone was going through your struggles. 

“You don’t prove anything by that Felix. I k-know this is gonna sound stupid and you’ve heard it so many times but,,, just know that I love you no matter how you look. I’m happy that you’re here Lixie” 

You looked at him and his dark brown eyes met yours, glittering once again, rounded as if he’d heard the best news of his life. He opened his arms and you stood up on the floor, hugging him and squeezing him by the sides.

“I’m happy that you are here too y/n” he whispered in your ear, barely audible from the loud bumping of the music. You pulled off the hug and shimmied up the bar stool again, putting the transparent glass edge to your lips and feeling the liquor trickle down your throat. 

“I was thinking of getting those words tattooed on me but now that I think about it, I want those words tattooed on me but with a big red x over it.” You smiled together with him, his dimples being carved into those freckled cheeks along with his bleak eyeshadow, his lips a cherry tint. 

“You should.”

“Oh fuck-” you cursed as you woke up on your living room floor that was covered in dust and crumbs that was a trail all the way to the kitchen. You sighed every time you were back in reality, in the cursed world that wanted nothing else but to crush you under its fingertips. A patter was heard from outside, gentle raindrops decorating your windows as they were falling from the dusky skies. The rain was at least better you thought, in the sun you felt immense guilt for not being as happy as everyone around you, scrolling through your phone and seeing pictures of old classmates on trips and drinking out in the basking sun, wearing sundresses and hats. Being picturesque.

You made your own fun. Late wine nights and therapy appointments early in the morning where you get drilled with information that you could actually use to get better but you decide to cancel it all out. It was impossible to take in. Or maybe you wanted this now? Like Felix said, you wanted to remain sick enough even if there is no such thing. It used to be about not wanting to leave your comfort zone as odd as it sounds. You had struggled with your mental health for as long as you could remember and getting better would mean that you would have to make active changes in your life that at the moment didn’t seem appealing. But now it wasn’t about that. It was about Changbin. Getting better would mean that you would have to leave him, not only him but all the other friends you made at the club for the last months. They felt closer than family especially since you’d barely had one in the past. You wanted to stay by Changbin for forever but did you want to suffer for just as long?

Little did you know, Changbin didn’t. 

You stood up from the wooden floorboards, stepping closer to the balcony door and seeing the rain cover the streets, lonesome people walking with umbrellas and rain jackets through the storm, probably on their way home to a delicious home cooked meal, a comfortable bed and a stable mind. You only had one of those things but you, in contrast from before the club, didn’t get jealous when you saw those people down at the rainy street. You had your own happiness that was Changbin.

Every time you said his name your heart started racing, your knees almost bent underneath you as you walked back to the couch, no lights turned on in the entire odorous apartment. With a thump you fell with your back against the comforting material, once again being swallowed by a fort of pillows and clothes that you haven’t been bothered to put away. The tv display stood blank, your silhouette reflecting in the matte sheen of the screen, your face almost hanging low with boredom. What was there to do when you weren’t in Changbin’s secure arms? 

It was as if his name rolled off your tongue. Smooth as butter, sweet as syrup. You closed your eyes, eyelashes fluttering against your cheek, tickling the sensitive skin on your face. Underneath your lids pictures flashed by in bright colors, not from imagination but from memory. The pictures radiated their energy through your entire body, sending shivers down to the tips of your toes as you saw the faces of your best friends and boyfriend, their smiles creating red apples on their cheeks. 

You wondered how many of those smiles were fake. 

A wave of arousal shot through your body as remembered the events that took place before Jisung had a chance to ruin them, how Changbin grunted next to your ear, his hot breath teasing the shell of your ear as he whispered, the movements of his hips going from rolling to pounding, the room filling with the lewd noises of skin slapping against each other accompanied with your tiny whimpers, pleading him to make you cum. You couldn’t help but to rub your legs together, shifting in the grey sofa that was decorating your trash pile of a living room, the other decor pieces being empty bottles and white used tissues that were tiny houses to your tears. You peeked down quickly, seeing that you were still in your party clothes that consisted of a shirt and a short skirt that was sitting kinda lopsided on the base of your hips, hugging your skin tightly. With a rapid hand you removed the garment by unzipping it by the side, kicking the fabric towards the end of the couch with your feet that were bare, you managed to toss your sneakers away whilst you were deep in your imaginations. Except for the bright colors in your mind, the rest of the apartment was dark, not a single light being switched on. Your light source for many of your lonesome nights were the grey poles on which a bulbous light hung, a so-called street light. The blue cold light shone inside, deep dark shadows being casted on the walls by the trees that decorated the sidewalk. 

Lines started to blur between the real and the fake, not sure if you actually felt Changbin’s hands wrapped around your neck or if it was just yet another illusion your mind has decided to put forward. You could feel the warmth from his hands surging down your neck, soothing your heart in a comforting way. It was as if you were being held in a way that made your blood run south, loved and aroused at the same time. It was as if a ball of warmth bubbled inside you, encapsulating you in its aura of happiness and distraction, your hand teasing the the skin on your lower abdomen before it plunged beneath the small pair of cotton panties that had been violently pulled off by your boyfriend some time ago, exactly how much was something you couldn’t tell, the universe simply didn’t allow time. 

Time is an arrow. 

It always goes forward. 

Under the thin elastic your fingers started moving on their own, like they knew what to do, almost imitating what Changbin had done so many nights prior to this one on that murky couch. You couldn’t help but to wonder if he missed you right this moment. Was was he doing? What was he thinking? You wondered if he thought about you whenever he pleasured himself, if it was your name that echoed in the four empty walls of his broken down apartment whenever he came. The thought of his hand wrapped around his cock as he groaned made you sweat, the skin on the underside your knees sticking to each other as your knees were bent, soles flat against the frowning sofa. Automatically you spread your legs, one resting against the wallpapered surface as the other one hung out from the edge of the sofa. With your middle finger you felt the slippery surface, gathering your slick as you swiped up your finger, coating the sensitive bud in stickiness. You clenched around nothing, thinking about how Changbin whispered his praises in a sweet tone like a serenade.

“You’re doing so well y/n, fuck,,, you’re so pretty princess”

You nodded despite there being no one to see, small whimpers forcing their way out of your throat as two fingers circled your clit, spreading one pussy lip with a third finger, widening the area of contact. Your spine arched at anticipation, a faraway feeling approaching with quick strides as you squirmed your hips, butt digging into couch cushions as your gently pinched your slick-covered clit. Your hole was practically begging for more, velvety walls throbbing for pleasure that you didn’t mind giving, slowly inserting your middle finger, followed by a second finger, hissing at the initial stretch and getting used to the feeling, wiggling your fingers inside just like Changbin always does but his fingers filled you up better accompanied by the small marks he left all over your torso and tits, sucking on your delicate nipples with his wet tongue, leaving a trail of saliva as he licked around the valley of your tits, the ticklish feeling causing you to throw your head back. 

“f-faster binnie” you said into thin air, there being no one to answer your request except your fingers that started going faster in and out of your squelching hole, using your thumb to nudge on your clit, desperately trying to move it in circles and moaning as pleasure built up in the pit of your core. You licked your lips, coating them in a thin sheen of spit, imagining his soft lips pressing up against yours, his tongue coaxing yours as he licked your bottom lip, nibbling on it before slipping it into your mouth, the soft surface meeting yours, a languid kiss being exchanged as he panted into the kiss, you whining gently in between breaths. Your hair stood in a mess as you rubbed your head against the fluffy pillow under you, a couple of stray pieces sticking to your forehead that was covered in a lustre of sweat, reflecting in the small amount of light that was looming in the room together with you. Your mind blurred with lewd scenes with him, curving your fingers inside you in order to reach your g-spot and being startled by your own moan when you did, it simply felt too good, especially when thinking that it was his fingers that plunged into your wetness. 

“Just a little bit more y/n,, o-oh shit,,, f-fuck i’m gonna cum”

His voice ringed in your ears, it didn’t have to be loud to be memorable and make your head spin with pure amativeness. Your fingers started to hurt from how vigorously you were pumping them inside yourself, bringing yourself to the edge as you imagined that it was Changbin’s cock, twitching and begging from release, wishing he would cum inside you and paint your walls in his milky white cum, the hot liquid oozing out of your swollen pussy. Your clit throbbed, your breathing getting uneven between your parted lips, your hand being slightly restricted by the fabric of your underwear. 

“Cum for me baby”

It was an automatic response. Your hips convulsing upwards, high-pitched moans bouncing off the walls as you continued to tease your clit, pulling out your fingers and rubbed the swollen bud up and down into overstimulation until you it hurt, your eyes tightly squeezed, small droplets of tears teasing the corners of your shut orbs. The high washed over you, from the crown of your head to the tips of your toes, every body part rushing with adrenaline before coming down in a state of repose. Slowly you withdrew your hand from beneath the fabric, the elastic snapping gently against your skin, fingertips glistening with your juicy release that now also coated your panties as it rubbed against the inside fabric. You slowly opened your eyes, vision blurry before focusing correctly, seeing nothing but darkness and vague outlines of objects. Night had fallen. You sighed, you were alone.A part of you wished at Changbin had been there whenever your glittering doe-eyes sprung open, your plushy lips being met with his but alas you couldn’t get everything in life.

Except that you couldn’t even get anything. At all.

“Binnie!!!” you shouted as soon as you opened your eyes as you woke up on the floor, looking around confused as your voice echoed in the room. You rubbed your eyes, the familiar automated voice and its words still stuck in your head.

“Uh? Over here y/n”

You heard his voice, the sweet tune hitting your eardrums, you looked at the direction of the sound and noticed that you were lying on the main dance floor. No music. No people. You stood up with wobbly knees, looking around and being shone on by a spotlight on the ceiling, watching Changbin drying off a couple of glasses with a kitchen towel, a brown apron sitting snugly around his waist, another piece of useless fabric that hid his well-sculpted body. 

“W-why is there no one here? Are we glitching again?!” your voice panicked as your gaze was busy, landing everywhere from the meaningless neon green exit sign pointing to nowhere to the colorful transparent liquor bottles on the shelves behind your lover. Changbin let out a little snark as he put the glass down, throwing the cloth over his shoulder and leaning on the wooden bar counter.

“No y/n, sometimes many people are busy and that’s when you don’t teleport here,,, you know that already”

You let out a small “oh” in realization before walking over to the bar and throwing yourself into a chair lazily, tapping the table with your pointer finger twice, a quiet signal for help. The kind that alcohol provided. Changbin didn’t say anything, simply scooping some ice into a low glass with pretty carved out details at the bottom, the black haired boy filling up the glass with whiskey, the brown liquid seeping between the cubes of frozen water. It was oddly silent in the club, not from the fact that there wasn’t anyone else there but there was this awkward feeling between the two of you, as cold as the ice cubes that the champagne bottles were resting inside a iron bucket full of ice underneath the bar on one of the shelves. 

“So uhm,,, was everything alright yesterday?” he asked in a low voice, peering at you through hooded eyelids as he tilted the glass, pouring another liquor bottle and pouring the substance in. 

Memories of the night prior flashed past your eyelids causing you to almost choke on your saliva. Changbin looked at you suspiciously, furrowing his eyebrows as he put the glass on the coaster in front of you, watching you gulp down the poison. He had something on his mind, the words were basically danging off his pink lips but he hesitated, something stopped him every time he tried to open his jaw and let the words pour out in a puddle of word-vomit on the floor. The words were lodged in his throat like a boulder, he didn’t know how to say it.

“Something wrong binnie?” you asked with a confused expression, your eyes filled with concerned. What if something had happened in a universe you couldn’t even reach, the boy wandering alone with his concerns? 

You took another sip from the glass, frowning as the alcohol stung your tongue and descended down your esophagus like a ball of fire, observing the contents that you were drinking partly because you were interested in what concoction your boyfriend had made but mostly cause you didn’t want to look him in the eyes in this frigid atmosphere. He shook his head, giving you a non-verbal answer. 

You didn’t believe him. 

By the way his jaw clenched to the awkward posture as he stared at you, he had something to confess and you weren’t sure if you were ready for it, thinking that maybe it would be easier to not ask about it anymore and live in oblivion. 

“Come on~ I know you well enough to know that something isn’t quite right” you said, resting your chin in the palm of your hand, eyeing your boyfriends godly figure, practically drooling over him on the spot. 

“Hmm,,, y-yeah ok,, I do have something to say but,,, I’m not sure how to” he started, your heart starting to beat faster with each syllable he pronounced, thinking that this was the end of your world because he was indeed your entire world. The reason you still smiled.

“Just say it baby, I won’t be angry” you said but not sure if you could keep your promise. 

“I got a place at rehab” 

You started laughing sarcastically, the boy standing perplexed behind the counter. 

“Wh-what’s so funny?” he asked shortly after. 

“You obviously said no, right?”

Silence erupted throughout the establishment, your smile was wiped off your face as you waited for an answer but you felt the tears start bubbling up in your glossy eyes as the silence went on, brimming and coaxing to fall down onto your warm cheek, his expression was blank, a canvas without a paint. In a rage of fit you threw your glass at the nearest wall, the glass shattering in a million pieces just like your heart, impossible to glue together. 

The ice cubes melted on the floor, liquid splattered on the dark glossy floor. There was no saving the broken pieces, it was simply to throw it in the trash. You couldn’t blame Changbin for being startled, backing to the wall that displayed the bottles of alcohol, small lights above them causing the flasks to reflect tiny fractals.

“What the fuck do you mean Changbin, huh?!” you yelled at him, salty tears streaming down your cheeks, hanging off your quivering lips. He could only exhale loudly from his nose, his dusky complexion losing its color the more stressed he got. 

“No, what do you mean? Are you actually serious about letting me rot in my life and not take help when I’ve finally gotten it?” he said, his tone growing louder with each word, him practically growling like a feral wolf. You couldn’t believe the word coming out of his lying mouth. Rot in his life? Why? He had you now. You were all he needed, right?

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier then?” Your voice was expressionless, a string tinted red with betrayal laced in your tone. 

“I was scared.”You scoffed, feeling the frustration in the pit of your stomach like a heavy weight, tears glittering in the bright lights that were on currently, shining down on you as if another dimension had opened. 

One without Changbin. 

With dark eyes you looked at him, a dumbfounded smile causing the corners of your lips to turn upwards, tasting the salt of your sadness as a droplet rolled down and into your mouth. “

I never want to see you again Changbin”

“Don’t say that y/n, p-please don’t say that.” 

His voice was drowsy like he hadn’t slept in days, your theory being more believable as you saw the dark bags under his blank eyes. He had been worrying, worried for your reaction. He took off the apron and put the kitchen towel on the nearest surface before hurrying to exit out through the gate and took strides towards your standing figure but you distanced yourself every time he got closer. You felt yourself getting smaller and smaller as his shadow towered over you, his face not showing compassion but rather irritation. 

“GET AWAY!!” you screamed in a ear-deafening screech, him barely flinching as he had seen worse things in his life than his heartbroken girlfriend getting pressed up against a wall with dark streaks of makeup and tears staining her face, plagued by treachery that was brought upon by the only one she trusted in her life.

Maybe this was deeper than just your boyfriend leaving you. Maybe this was a silent cry to stay and not leave like your father once did. Sure, he was around in your childhood but that’s the thing; he was around, never actively invested in what happened in the life of his child. You didn’t like to look into it. Hell, you barely wanted to talk about it but you couldn’t help but to wonder if that was the reason as to why you had a difficult time with goodbyes. It replayed memories, memories you’d rather forget. Or wish you never had in the first place. 

“The fuck-” said a recognazible voice that belonged to Minho, the male staggering out of the toilets in a hungover haze, scratching his hair as he yawned.

“Huh,,, how long have you been there?” Changbin said, him turning his head to look at Minho whilst standing mere inches from you, sandwiching you between his body and the dark walls. 

“I have no idea,,, just woke up and heard a scream” he replied lazily, still not really registering the situation that was unfolding in front of his very own eyes. You glared at Changbin before pushing him by the shoulders, thinking you would make a big impact but him only losing his balance for a few seconds, with fierce steps you bolted to Minho, the boy sliding his hand down into his pocket the closer you got causing you to stop dead in the tracks. 

You’d rather be heartbroken than deceased. 

“Did you know about this? Did you know that this motherfucker was going to fucking rehab?!” you yelled hysterically towards the boy that picked up a packet of cigarettes instead of a switchblade. He smirked as he put a cigarette in the corner of his mouth, not breaking eye contact with you for a second throughout the entire process, almost hypnotizing you with his looks. 

“Yeah,,, we all knew” that devilish smirk only signaling that he liked the pain he saw in other people, the white lighter in his hands flicking and emitting an orange and purple flame that slowly burned the tip of the deadly stick. 

You wanted to scream on the top of your lungs, break every single one of the bottles on the shelves in a fit of rage before breaking Changbin’s heart, shatter it in pieces and step on it like glass even if it would make shards stick to your wounded and bloody feet. But that’s life. You can never hurt someone without getting hurt back. 

“And so you all decided to be on his side? To defend a liar was the best your stupid fucking head could come up with?” you couldn’t even filter your words, whatever came to your mind rolled off your tongue as smoothly as the words “i love you” once had. 

“Hey y/n! Don’t say that! He had nothing to do with it” Changbin roared, stepping closer with his heavy black boots that could probably smash someone against the concrete by the telephone booth where thousands of stray souls wandered every hour of the short 24 hours we humans have in a day. He put his hand on your arm but you shoved him away, freeing your hand from his grasp and yelling inaudible words at the boy. 

“And that’s why you don’t date a psycho, am I right Changbin?” Minho laughed, lodging the cigarette between his pointer- and middle finger, blowing the smoke towards you as a careless gesture. Changbin looked done, rolling his eyes at the other boy before shaking his head, his hair bouncing in a fluffy manner as he moved. 

“Not now Min” he answered simply, keeping his composure but you on the other hand were boiling with anger, feeling your heartbeat in your ears. You let out a half laughter filled with sarcasm.

“Somehow the real psycho has the audacity to say that to me, huh? Who the fuck do you guys think you are? You guys think it’s cool to live like this?” you said, your voice becoming frail at the end of your sentence, breaking as new tears weighed on your eyelashes and dropped down on the floor beneath you. 

“No we don’t y/n and that’s why Changbin is getting help. Don’t you see it? You are hurting him by keeping him here.”

Minho’s words stung more than a thousand needles piercing through your raw flesh. 

He was right.

The entire relationship rested on a foundation of suffering that you fed with repeatedly withdrawing from help that could make you blossom into the person you once were. Deep down you knew that this relationship was impossible, you knew it before you even fell for him but the thing is that you didn’t choose to fall in love, it happens. There’s a reason as to why it’s called ‘falling in love’, because once you’ve jumped you can’t expect to stand on the top of the cliff again. Only at the view from halfway down do you realize that maybe this wasn’t the right time and space. 

You looked at Changbin that held his hands out, wanting to hug you and make everything feel alright, like it was before and you couldn’t help but to melt at how his eyes rounded, twinkling by the thousands of lights around the room and reflecting in his teary eyes. With the arm of your sleeve you wiped off the tears, makeup rubbing off on the fabric but you couldn’t give less of a thought before Changbin wrapped his hands around you, tears falling at a rapid pace as you sobbed into the neck of your boyfriend, breathing in his musky scent that infiltrated your bloodstream and made your heart stop for just a brief moment before pounding harder than before, powered by longing. 

“I’m s-sorry Changbin” you said in between sobs, words coming out in broken syllables, it was difficult forming a sentence let alone an apology. Changbin shook his head as he put his hand on the back of your neck, descending down and rubbing your back soothingly.

“Don’t apologize y/n, you didn’t do anything wrong” His voice ran down your spine, the boy pulling away from the hug and holding you by the shoulders, looking deeply into your eyes as he spoke. 

“I love you and I will never forget you”

You nodded, your face in distress with tears and snot, puffy eyes looking back at him. 

“W-when are you leaving t-then?” you asked timidly to which Changbin responded by breaking eye contact.

“In two days.” You sighed, not sure if you should be sad. What kind of partner tells you that important of an announcement just two days prior? But you understood, he was just as scared as you. 

Scared of the unknown. Alcohol had been a part of his life for a long time, it was his comfort and now suddenly he needed to adapt to a life without it, a life in sobriety. You weren’t the only scared one. The both of you heard Minho picking up the shards of glass with his bare hands, throwing it in the trash as he smoked, not even needing to remove the cigarette from between his lips in order to exhale the smoke, grey clouds billowing out of the corner of his mouth and filling the area with the scent of over 70 harmful substances. 

In the distance you heard footsteps coming from the dark room that was pretty much the only private space in the building, Felix and Jisung walking out, their expressions changing from happy to confused upon seeing your face and Minho cleaning up. 

“W-what,,,” Jisung started but Minho put his pointer finger to his lips before removing the cigarette from his lips and mouthing to the younger boys.

“He told her”

Both Jisung and Felix nodded slowly, their eyes big as saucers as they mouthed a small “oh” back before casting a glance at the two of you, two bodies melting in a touch that could be the last one.

“What will I do without you Changbin?” you said, looking down at the ground. He sighed before smiling at you. 

“What you’ve always done y/n,,, fight for yourself because one day you will make it” he said, cupping your cheek in his hand and swiping his thumb across the tears on your cheek, the dampness remaining on the rough pads of his thumb. 

“B-but don’t worry y/n! It’s in two days,,, maybe I’ll be back tomorrow” he said, you seeing that the boys nodded their heads in the corners of your eyes. 

“Alright,,, I’ll trust you,,, I always do”

“You guys can go and I don’t know,,, talk in that other room,,, we’ll take care of stuff out here” Minho said, flicking the ashes off the end of the cigarette one last time before throwing it in the sink, the boy standing in the bar together with the the other two boys. You and Changbin nodded, making your way past them and entering the dark room that had now become a place where only memories live. With hesitance you sat down on the couch, Changbin doing the same. You glanced over at him, slowly tilting your head against his shoulder and exhaling loudly through your nose. 

The momentary silence wasn’t awkward. It was comforting. 

Silence was what this place needed, moments away from everything related to partying and drinking until your liver failed. 

“Do you remember the first time we met?” he said with a laugh, you giggling with him.

“Of course I do, it wasn’t even that long ago but,,, it feels like forever.” 

He nodded, glancing at your hand for a moment before grabbing it, his warm hand wrapping around your cold one, lacing his fingers with yours. 

“I don’t want you to leave binnie,,, t-this is unfair.” Tears started bubbling up in your throat again, your breathing getting unstable as your gaze was fixed on the ground. 

“I don’t want to leave either y/n but,,, what if we meet in the right dimension? What if that’s what happens? That when you,,, start loving yourself for who you are,,, maybe that’s when you meet the one that will continue to heal you?”

Changbin’s words made a lot of sense. Nobody knew what happened to the people that descended to the real world again. What adventures they were on or who they were loving at this point in time so maybe that did happen. It made you smile, your heart filled with hope, something you hadn’t felt since he said those doomed words earlier. You turned to him, his lips lingering dangerously close to yours to the point where you could feel his hot breath brushing up against the apples of your cheeks. He leaned in, attaching his lips on yours one last time, pushing a piece of hair behind your ear and holding you by the back of your neck, his thumb caressing the knuckles of your hand. You kissed him back, slipping your tongue into his mouth in a deep exchange of saliva intertwined with yearning. The kiss formed an even pace, you tilted your head to the side causing the kiss to get intense, his wet tongue gliding against yours, your pout swelling as he bit your bottom lip, blood rushing into it. He could almost feel yours eyelashes fluttering against the bridge of his nose. He pulled away, landing a final peck on your soft lips before nibbling the inside of his cheek in nervosity, unsure as to why he was nervous in the first place. Maybe the thought that he would never kiss you again. You put your hands around him, rubbing your dark tinted cheeks against his shirt that was luckily in a darker color as well. He smelled like home, like comfort.

A murky scent mixed with tobacco and ephemerality.

 You haven't seen Changbin since that day. 

“How have you been y/n?” said the woman sitting opposite you, tapping her pen against the A5 block of secrets that rested against a folder that has your name on the side, filled with results of various psychological tests. You shrugged your shoulders, looking out the window where the ivys growed over the glass.

“I’ve been alright,,, although I miss someone” you answered, your eyes meeting the curious ones of your psychologist that observed your body language, your foot shaking in the air as your legs were folded on top of each other. 

“Who do you miss y/n?” she asked. You thought about telling her the truth but then had you ever done that in this office?

“Doesn’t matter,,, Just someone” you answered shortly to which the lady nodded. 

“Longing is a very difficult feeling, sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it since the only thing that will cure it is seeing that person again but of course, that’s not always possible” she said, you observing the marbled pattern on the vinyl floor. You agreed, not knowing what else to do before she started talking about something else that was connected to your well-being, wondering how you are coping with still being on the hunt for a job and having your mental health to care about in the meanwhile. 

The session ended as it always does. By you walking out of the office with an orange post-it note where the next appointment was scheduled in messy writing and with a warm goodbye to your psychologist that was a nice person. It was just that you didn’t really care for her advice and you yet again felt horrible for not taking the help you got when other people in the world couldn’t afford the same experience. The wind hit you in the face as you exited out to reality, out from the solace of the office and the building that held countless of skin-crawling memories. You pulled your jacket closer to your body, walking with quick strides towards the convenience store in order to buy gum and something sweet that could stop the world from leaving a bitter taste in your mouth at all times. A bell above the door tinkled as you stepped into the store, the grey welcome mat being a soft surface to step on with your sneakers. You casted a glance at the staff, seeing the gum you always bought by the cash register and the back of a young man in a black jacket with a baseball cap, looking upwards at the cigarettes and talking to the cashier in a husky voice. You walked past aisles of various snacks and other necessities, hearing the man talking in a voice that made your head spin, sending you into a deja vu feeling.This voice, this very voice was familiar. 

“That one,, yeah,,, thanks! Oh,, just gonna grab something real quick” he said, his footsteps getting closer to you that were hunched over, looking for the banana milk on the lower shelves and squinting your eyes as tried to look further back to see if you missed a bottle by mistake. Your eyes lit up as you saw it, stretching out your hand but in that moment you didn’t feel the cool plastic layer of the yellow manufactured drink but instead a slightly warm hand that was bigger than yours, clad in a couple of silver rings. You quickly apologized and peered upwards, your eyes landing on a couple of dark hooded eyes that made your heart start to race. The lips were plump, a bit dusky in color from the cold weather. A sharp jaw that led to a prominent chin. A triangular nose that connected to a pair of strong bushy eyebrows. A face you had so longed to see. A hand you hadn’t held in what felt like an eternity. There the two of you were, holding the same bottle of banana milk in the flickering light of the store, the coldness emitting from the refrigerated shelves.

It was him.

It was Changbin. 

He was right. 

Only when one decided to heal was it destined for you to meet in a dimensions that was real. A dimension that didn’t consist of an odd phone number and a crimson telephone booth. A world away from the loud music and booze and instead entering a world that had earlier been dark but now got lighter, your tunnelvision ending and objects getting their color back. The world seemed real again. Alive like the way scent of a rose made its way down your lungs and into your blood, feeding the feeling of love from within.

You met him. 

In a different place, in a different time. But you met the same person.

The person you were destined to meet. 

Taglist ; @minholuvs @liz820​ @skztrashbag @lix-freckle3​