#why it stuck with mana ?

[corneille-moisie]

i dont remember if i ever knew where "mana-sama" actually comes from but it still sounds to me like it was first presented as a joke and some fans took it seriously 🤔

[justanotherbirdbrain-blog]

A Workshop for Creating Magical/ Fictional Crystals: A Guide from a Geologist

Hi folks, its me, here to talk about fictional writing again! Today I'm just tackling the idea of magical stones/mana stones by looking at existing minerals today and some neat properties that they have, and how you can apply these things to a fictional world. The goal is mainly to help you if you are stuck trying to come up with a unique magic system, or a unique identification/characteristic of your mineral.

First Things First: Mineral Shapes

I am exhausted, petered out, down-right fatigued by seeing every mineral depicted with having the crystal structure of calcite and quartz. There are soooooo many cooler, more interesting crystal structures, don't you think you would stop and take a look at a perfect cube in nature? It is completely unsettling.

Second: Color

Color within minerals can either be really important, or not important at all! It is your choice to decide if color is going to be something that means something to your mineral. But what are some times when the color is important? Well.... there are some elements that are called chromophores, this classification just indicates that these elements, when present, will determine the color of whatever they are in. So, if you wanted to treat mana like a chromophore, you could say, "Oh everything that contains mana turns green!" This could mean that regardless of the mineral, if that mineral is a specific color, it means it contains mana. This concept is exciting because you can just stop here and use minerals that already exist! You can also use it as an indicator for a magical ore! Chromophores are typically metals, so if you are making a new metal weapon, making the ore of that metal a unique color would make a lot of sense!

However, your mineral can also just be every color of the rainbow like quartz and perhaps that's what makes identifying your mana stones elusive and create an illusion of scarcity that your character can solve.

There are other things that can change the colors of minerals, like radiation damage, and electron exchange, but I think that is beyond what would be helpful! So lets talk about some unique color properties that happen in nature that seem magical in the first place! Maybe you don't need to design a mana stone, but you want a unique gemstone that only the royal family passes down or something (IDK).

The first one is the alexandrite effect! This is where a mineral can change color in natural light vs. incandescent light. (the mineral itself is not changing, but the lights contain different amounts of different colors that then get absorbed by the stone). Even if you don't use electricity in your fictional world, you could have the colors change in the presence of light magic. This could create fun misunderstandings about what the mineral is reacting to!

Pleochroism

Pleochroism is something that most minerals have, it is frequently used to help identify minerals in thin sections, however minerals are usually not pleochroic enough for it to be visible to the naked eye! Pleochroism is just a fancy name to describe the change in how light is absorbed based on the angle of the mineral! So if you scroll up to the first image where I showed a lot of crystal shapes, most of them have angles where they are longer and shorter! This will effect the way light travels in the crystal. Tanzanite is a popular mineral that does this.

Photochromism

This is when a mineral will change color (in a reversible way) when exposed to UV light (or sunlight), I am not going to go too into the details of why this is happening because it would require me to read some research papers and I just don't feel like it. The mineral that is best known for this is Hackmanite!

Alright! These are all the really cool color effects that might inspire you or maybe not, but now I am going to talk about how you might find your minerals within a rock!

When I see a lot of magical caves/mines, typically I see them with some variation of a geode honestly, but most minerals are not found like that! Now I am sure most of you guys have seen a geode, so I will not really talk about those, but I will talk briefly about porphyroblasts which is when the mineral grows larger than the minerals around it, this happens in metamorphic minerals!

sorry random stranger, but this is an image of garnets inside a finer-grained rock at gore mountain in New York!

Another way you might find minerals is in a pegmatite! This is when all minerals are really large! This is a formed from really slow crystalizing magma!

But something else to think about is that your mineral might just be massive, it doesn't have to have distinct crystals, it may be similar to jadeite where small grains grow together which leaves it looking smooth and seamless! A note about all of these is that you would have to mine into the rock to find these, there would not be any natural caves in these rocks! Caves are only ever really formed in limestones and maybe marbles (rocks that react with acid).

How can your characters identify these minerals?

Typically when you are out in the field you will look to see what type of rocks the minerals are found in (The overall texture of the rock will tell you how it formed). If you know how the rock formed, it will narrow down the amount of minerals you need to think about by quite a bit! Next, you are going to look closely at it and observe its crystal structure, does it have an obvious crystal? if so what is the general shape? If it is broken, how did it break? Did it fracture like glass or did it break along uniform planes. Some minerals have a thing called cleavage (breaks along planes of weakness). If a mineral exhibits this habit, it will again help narrow this down. Next we can look at color. Color can be misleading, because minerals like quartz can be any color imaginable, but minerals like olivine will always be green! The next thing your character can do is test for hardness, minerals all have a specific hardness that can help identify it as well.

After you go through all of this, your mineral might have some special property! This could be magnetism, fluorescence, reactions to acid, or any of the color changing effects I mentioned above! Other than that, your character can take it back to a lab and do a number of things to identify it, but the most typical thing would be for them to make a thin section (very thin piece of the rock) and observe it under a cross polarized microscope!

On that note folks! I hope this helped in some way in thinking of new magic mineral properties! I have other guides that explore some different fictional worldbuilding issues you might run into, but if you have any topics you would like me to cover please that I haven't mentioned already, let me know!

[thegnomelord]

PLEASEEEEE UR IDEA WITH MAGE M!READER AND MONSTER!COD MEN I'D LOVE THAT SO FICKING MUCH AND YES I AGREE THERE IS A LACK OF ALL THE VIOLENCE

Pov of how the world sees the reader Vs how TF141 reader :D. I'm in the middle of writing the first chapter of a fic with this idea, but guess who contracted TB like some coal miner 😞, me! So here's a sneak peak for the sort of vibe I'm going for while I'm trying to recover:

P.S: Ya'll are free to suggest/requests with this idea cause!

P.S.S: Check out bluegiragi who came up with this AU and give her some love!

Mages and Monsters

Mages are strange creatures.

In a world so full of monstrous hybrids and mythical creatures, mages sit on the proverbial line separating man from monster, stuck in both worlds without any hope of fitting in either one.

Because outwardly, they're average. No different from the billions of other humans. They're not born with the marks of monsterdom; they don't possess horns or leathery scales to shrug off small caliber bullets like dragons do, nor the claws and bone crushing jaws of werewolves, not feathered wings and razor sharp talons of harpies, nor the wraiths ghostly ability to become immaterial.

Outwardly, they're average. Ordinary. Mundane. Human...

Almost.

Because Price and Ghost are experienced enough to see the thing laying beneath the paper thin veneer of normality, are seasoned enough to quickly notice the one thing that puts an 'in' before a mage's 'human' description — Magic. Not the smoke and mirror kind magicians or charlatans use to swindle tourists out of money, but real magic.

The ancient kind, the capricious kind, slumbering like a beast inside the hollowed out cavern of a heart until it awakens with a terrible bloodlust. Each of them can attest to this; Price sports gnarled patched of scar tissue on the scaleless parts of his arm from ice burns, his draconic breath having saved him from frostbite that had devoured more than a few good men. Though Ghost doesn't show much skin, one can sometimes catch sight of branching fern patterns on his neck where lightning magic had shot through him. Gaz's back is peppered with hundreds of little cuts where a glass mage's summoned elegant ornaments had shattered into millions of shards, aiming to take out his wings.

And now Soap sports a mark of his own, his side tender red and blistered with a second degree burn. It could have been much worse, your flames were hot enough to melt steel, the only thing having kept him from an early cremation being the two solid concrete walls your magic had had to travel through to hit him and the enhanced regeneration of his thick hide.

But such power demands a cost — one paid in blood. For magic is as fickle and capricious as a rabid dog, just as eager to lunge for your throat as it will at the enemies, leaving lasting wounds for all to see; rough and calloused palms, skin blackened from blazing heat and freezing cold or marked with fern patterns of electricity, fingers stiff and marred with cuts from thorns and crystals and rock and glass, bone deep cuts where the liquid mana had burst out from the skin, leaving faintly glowing scars that never heal right.

All mages are born with this grievous gift, though one never knows whether it will present itself with a pitiful flicker of embers in a man's dying breath, or with a maelstrom of an infant's first hiccup. That's why most mages are sealed, by choice or force, a process which puts chains on the magic, making it and the mage docile.

But you are unsealed. And you flaunt that fact readily by melting the tail of their APC helicopter with one spell, not even waiting for them to crash before flooding the terrain with suffocating ash, the lenses of their gas masks already fogging up from the heat as they get out of the cloud of heavy sediment before it bursts to flames.

Sometimes the magic becomes unsatisfied with the weakness of the body, demanding more than just its pound of flesh and molding the body like clay to better suit it— Mage Marks, they're called — the subtle glow of magic in your eyes, the mana visibly pulsing inside your chest, the skin of your arms slipping away like wet paper before growing anew, this time mimicking the surface of magma, or the rocky barnacle encrusted reef, the gnarled bark of a tree, the crystalline inside of a geode, the ice spiked ground of tundra, or any other form that suits the magic in your veins.

The process is excruciating, the mana burrowing and gnawing on every nerve like a parasite that replaces what it eats with itself. But to you, that's an acceptable loss, because marked mages far surpass their unmarked fellows, your magic stronger and wilder, feral and viscous like the primordial force of nature.

So it becomes concerning when you're laying on the floor, captured, battered and bruised and calm.

Ghost had been waterboarding you for a while now, your body tied to a chair that had been tipped back so you were parallel with the ground. With water pooling around your head, your top half would have been soaked to the bone had your magic not been simmering in your veins, the magic suppression momentarily reducing the raging inferno in your chest to a meager flicker of flames.

They can't kill you, but limiting your magic for even a second is death in and of itself.

Your breathing is harsh as Ghost pulls away the cloth over your mouth, asking you a question as steam rises from your skin. Most would give in long before this point, but you just grin, eyes glowing with a burning glow, and make a comment about how good his arse looks from your viewpoint.

You manage only one small note of laughter, pitiful embers sparking at the corners of your lip, before Ghost drops the rag back over your face and begins anew.

Price watches all of this, sharp draconic eyes noting how the mana glows in your chest, pulsing like a second heart (assuming you had one to begin with), noticing how the water turns to steam a little faster when it splashes over your skin.

And Price knows.

You... You are going to be trouble.

[arimiaromage]

I do not trust wisely.

throwing out my thoughts before chapter 251 of d.gray-man releases. spoilers for up to chapter 250 below!!

disclaimer: I don't hate wisely. I really like him. but I don't trust him right now.

I don't trust his actions right now. before chapter 250, I was sure wisely was going to be the new "leader" of the noah now that the earl is somewhat out of commission, either outright or by pulling the strings/giving suggestions to other members. road wasn't really the leader of them but they looked to her for answers about the things they didn't because she was the one that had stuck around the longest (such as when tyki's scars are aching) and was clearly the closest to the earl.

wisely is already suspicious of nea before this...

and when he approached the earl, wisely made a few comments about it, urging the earl to leave.

but he has an extra thought in chapter 224 about how he specifically won't let him cross paths with nea ever again. not really sus, I mean nea did kill the noah and try to kill the earl and the earl is clearly Not Over It, so makes sense.

but as they leave, wisely and tyki have a very specific exchange.

not only did wisely apparently let bookman go before they could find out more info, but wisely seems to know full well about nea- possibly being the reason he let bookman go, before bookman could tell the others who the earl and nea actually are.

specifically, wisely says "even if you don't find it out from me, you'll find it out eventually" and thinks to himself how this information will hurt tyki. that, to me, sounds like he knows most of the secrets of mana/nea. otherwise, how would he know that it will be so damning to tyki?

that brings us back to chapter 250, where they're interrogating apocryphos. I suspect the main goal of this was to find the heart rather than information on nea.

however, apocryphos can't help but jab at the ignorant noah who are in way over their heads, letting it slip that tyki has some deep connection to nea. wisely of course responds naturally by—

—destroying apocryphos' head, preventing him from talking until he heals. he claims it's because there's no use in interrogating him any further, that they've already got as much info as they can. that marks the 2nd interrogation victim he's let loose before the rest are ready.

with nea and the mention of 35 years ago being brought up, there's still tension in the air and sherril isn't about to let it go. remember, he's still pissed about road being hurt so badly trying to protect allen (because she wouldn't protect nea, right?)

and here it's finally brought up that, despite road being the only true survivor (aside from the earl), wisely has more knowledge about the events due to his demonic eye. he's finally being called out for possibly withholding the truth from them.

and what does he do? deflect it immediately. "it's not my fault, it's the fault of the previous wisely!"

okay, let's really dissect this page.

he starts off with apologizing, saying that the reason the other noah can't remember the tragedy is because the knowledge was so devastating the previous wisely locked it away (I guess before he died?? how does that work).

specifically, "to know nea is to know 'mana'". wisely knows who mana is, whereas the other noah only know that nea called the earl mana which made him cry.

the part I think most important is this- how conflicted he looks when thinking about the earl. he's not thinking about the noah here, he's thinking about the earl's safety. about mana.

why is he so conflicted?

let's go over some more stuff real quick.

wisely knows tyki looks suspiciously just like nea

2. nea isn't just a noah, he's the earl

3. SOMETHING happened to adam to make him disappear/split into mana/nea and is most likely connected to the noah & innocence

with all of these things in mind, this leads me to believe this...

wisely is keeping the info about mana secret to get the earl to destroy the world

not really a big shocker, but let me explain. the goal of the noah is to see the end of the world and aid the earl in that, but we've learned that the earl acts somewhat as a ticking time bomb, as he is the one that brings about the end days.

that is the goal of all of the noah, but road has been apprehensive about it because the current earl is mana. she wants him to be safe, and when cross urged her to help him save mana, instead of scoffing at the idea she starts crying and saying she can't because she's a noah. she wants to save him but being a noah cancels that out.

but our wisely didn't grow up with mana & nea. wisely didn't witness nea kill their entire family, mana kill him in return, and quickly descend into madness. wisely has secondhand memories so he doesn't have that emotional attachment.

this is why I felt wisely would be the new "leader". he has the insight to know that the earl = mana and that nea is part of the earl but doesn't have the emotional baggage road has. this gives him the best opportunity to see the noah's goal to the end, to push the earl over the edge and make him destroy it.

how would the rest of the noah feel if they found out the earl they've known their entire life isn't 7000 years old? that he was raised as a human just 50~ years ago? that the earl can die?

and worse-

how would the noah feel if they found out a personality of the earl was the one what slaughtered them all?

it would absolutely fracture them, possibly worse so than the exorcists finding out about apocryphos. the man they trust as their leader, who they feel in their souls a deep connection to, isn't even actually him and the man that killed them was supposed to be their leader.

that's why I feel like wisely is still keeping secrets. if he does actually know who mana/nea are, then it doesn't make sense for him to reveal this info so easily. I don't know what he's going to do next as the scene cuts there with him supposedly revealing the secrets, but I have a fear he's either only revealed a small part of it or worse, created a new lie about mana/nea to show them.

maybe he's telling the truth??

there's always a chance I'm grasping at straws, but from what I've seen it just doesn't make sense to me for him to reveal "everything" about mana/nea to the other noah, ESPECIALLY TYKI, so quickly. sherril snaps at him and he immediately folds. we've seen such careful character motivations thusfar from everyone else and I doubt hoshino would stumble here, on such a pivotal plot point.

so yeah, I don't believe wisely when he says he's going to reveal everything. he has the best shot out of all the noah to bring about the apocalypse and it doesn't make sense for him to fumble that now.

thanks for being a lil shit wisely, love you

[mako-neexu]

going insane over dantes and ordeal call chapter 2 post #234098 the way he says his flames burn hotter/more poisonous than in his normal Saint Graph and you literally remember he made a new Spirit Origin for guda and his NPs are literally ABOUT guda, the color choice in the 3rd ascension with blue accents on his stars and eyes said to be the color of guda's SOUL time and time again,　

and he also literally looks like goetia because "MY DESTINY" (istfg im going CRAZY. im going crazy!!! my desiny??? MY DESTINY!!?!?!?!?) and both him and dantes had that one on one to guda, goetia also made a hilariously BAD set up against himself so like dantes and guda became partners in crime in prison tower like goetia unintentionally played MATCHMAKER and created the worst duo ever im shitting tears. the probable reason as well why he looks like that in the 3rd ascension is because dantes viewed goetia as "an ultimate enemy guda overcame" which he positioned himself in as well so he could be defeated which was his goal in the first place i think im going to break from so much info bro. theres also the fact that prison tower and pseudo-tokyo are basically the same (that also required huge amount of mana) -> guda was dropped into prison tower, (directly/indirectly) helped by gankutsuou, stuck in chateau d'lf/becoming an Avenger by giving into temptation->bad end || overcoming the trials each floor/understanding the Avenger class, overcoming the flames-> return to chaldea. dantes positioning himself once more as both that tiny light of hope and that enemy who has guda fall into a trap likei am so. n.lromnal. I think i hauve covid

and thinking about. "my destiny" "my radiant one" "my one good thing" "my star" like- to be loved is to be changed. man. to be loved is to be!!!changed!!! and the blue and pink-purple flames that symbolize GUDA having been so special to him in this life that it changed him, BECAME SO SPECIAL TO HIM!!! (you can literally see it in his EYES??? his 4th aascension art where his flame is BLUE AS WELL??????????)

that he is still Avenger, Count of Monte Cristo, he who enacted vengeance and the greatest seeker of it, he who continues to hate and burn eternally yet chooses to love!!!!!!!!!!!!! becoming that tiny light of hope to an innocent soul and now here they stand, that tiny light he continued to protect now shines more radiant than anything else, and because of that love, his flames burn much much more fiercely than his previous saint graph and like he has you stay away bc you might evaporate to nothing and he explicitly says theyre stronger in his Monte Cristo alt!! while hes also trying to distance himself from you again bc he must still hold guilt in his heart for making you go through the Avenger ordeal and as well as the fact that you literally need to leave the flames/Avengers behind due to their conflicting nature with the wall bc being attached would be sooo hard to let go and especially considering what you and dantes went through together like what is this?? its like a giant slap of I LOVE YOU SO MUCH against my face????????? theres literally nothihg left of my remains????????????

dantes is also basically so stupidly even more overpowered here have you seen his skills??? Count of Monte Cristo Mythologie became a skill along with the fourteen relics/14 jewels and he can jUST cassually!???? activate that!?!?!?????? meanwhile WHAT HE CONSIDER AS HIS NOBLE PHANTASM IN THIS SAINT GRAPH IS O STAR/O YOU WHO, CONQUER THAT BRILLIANT PATH??? THAT VERY ONE ABOUT GUDA???? IS THIS REAL????? his NP dmg and effects are so crazy too???? LITERALLY POWERED BY LOVE AND BACKED UP BY AGE OF GODS LEVEL FUCK YOU ENERGY ?? im plagued by dantes and OC2 thoughts since last month someone free me ajdkfgk

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

👉🏽👈🏽 spare any jjk faerie au headcanons you have cooked up for a desperate lass?

of course because man do i have some thoughts as a lover of faeries. i could probably go on about this for hours

gojou satoru | elf

a prince hailing from a seelie court

his very birth shook faerieland as foretold by the stars red, blue and purple stars that soared through the sky the night of his birth and his eyes are ones that can see mana and the shape of the soul among other things

presents himself as a revel-loving fool he simply enjoys games, but he is a lot more observant and calculating than he lets on

in his youth he often toted on and on about the stupidity of love, likening it to more of a curse and an ailment that turned the sane into fools so outside of the obligation of having heirs, he doesn't desire love in the slightest

until he meets falls in love at first sight with you, a banshee who saved his life when you coincidentally happened to be passing by after he found himself in a bloody situation

causes the entire court to go into an uproar when he immediately announces his intentions to make you his queen never mind the fact you haven't even accepted his proposal yet

his mother doesn't like you in the slightest. she gave birth to one whose very birth has shaken the earth and if her son is going to marry anyone it is going to be someone more fitting of that position

satoru ignores all that in favor of doing his best to woo you now that you're stuck living in his palace until a revel thrown in your honor passes

yes he knows this very much so makes him a hypocrite but he doesn't want anyone else

asks you all sorts of question about being a banshee. how your cries work, if there are different wails for different situations, how long you've been heralding death

at least you know the man is nothing if not passionate. it's hard resisting his charms as he asks you gently each time to marry him. you think you just might say yes when you feel the ghost of his lips against yours

getou suguru | phouka

if he isn't being an advisor to seelie prince satoru, suguru is a human-hating phouka who is, unfortunately, stuck living with one

unlike humans, the folk are creatures who keep their word so when you are able to best him in something for a favor he's inclined to keep his promise

and yes, he promises that he won't harm you or your loved ones after your deal has come to a close. yes, this includes things you personally consider harmful ranging from murder to physical attacks

for a human, you're quite clever in looking out for any loopholes. you apparently weren't lying when you said you were a faerie enthusiast

but that's the extent of suguru's praise when he learns why you were so adamant to find a faerie to help with your problems ー

apparently you took a botany elective thinking it would be an easy A only to now be just barely passing the class

yes, that's right. you want a member of the folk, a phouka, to be a glorified tutor until the end of the semester just to make sure you don't get a failing grade. apparently, suguru gave you far too much credit

still, you end up growing on him overtime with your sense of humor and you're way of looking at things. he hates to put it so simply but he supposes you aren't like other humans he has come across

(suguru later nearly destroys your textbook because he himself grows frustrated with your class. the human sciences are just as confusing to him as it is you. but your grade has technically improved since he began helping you so it's not entirely a loss is it?)

nanami kento | elf-kobold hybrid

an elf-kobold hybrid with horns that gently curve atop his head akin to an imperial demon

a record keeper often has work writing down events as they take place as well as organizing historical texts as he sees fit. it's a tiring and thankless job but it is something his family has been doing for generations and he sees no reason to break tradition now

the one saving grace he has are naps he enjoys taking between late afternoon and dusk, religiously, by a lake close to the palace

you're a swan maiden who calls the lake home and his quiet company. it's winter in the human realm and rather than fly south with your flock, you decided to spend the season in faerie and decided that particular lake would be home

you're a playful, impish thing who enjoys presenting nanami with riddles as he grows tired and you watch over him to keep him safe while he sleeps. a deal you've both made in favor of him bringing you delicious sweets from the palace

it's quite the favorable deal for you both

of course, inevitably you two get to talking and find yourselves having more and more in-depth conversations as the week goes by

what would nanami do if he decided to break family tradition?

where have you traveled in the human realm?

as a swan maiden, you seldom ever take off your cloak of feathers. there's no reason to ask, nanami knows the rules that swan maiden and selkies follow. should your cloak or coat be taken, you're forced to follow their will

as such, nanami never refers to your coat in the slightest. he never even asks about it

it's a great sign of trust among your kind to ever be vulnerable with your cloak. something nanami learns first hand when he wakes up one particular evening and finds that you have covered him with your cloak to make sure he stays warm

fushiguro toji | boggart

a lord in an unseelie court of faerie, who works in service to the high king as his sword

had a mortal wife who died centuries ago and together they had a half-human son

his son lives among humans presently and while they don't readily talk to one another, toji often has his men sent to the human realm to watch over his son and give him reports on his wellbeing

doesn't imagine himself ever loving someone he did his wife again until running across you a human who stumbled into the wrong mound

allows you to stay in his fief until it is otherwise safe for you to return home

you say you're a dancer so you dance for him and keep him entertained as a sort of thanks for not promptly killing you when you trespassed on his territory

the tension between you both is palpable to many. his staff who are forced to wait on your hand and foot as his guest and to the gentry you see at unseelie revels

the ones that gossip about how it isn't strange for toji to take human lovers

and yet despite that, no matter how close you get, toji keeps a distance between you both that. he fell in love with a human once, still remembers the sting of watching his beloved wife grow old and wither away in front of his very eyes

it's a pain he doesn't want to revisit ever again

okkotsu yuuta | human

unlike most stories of selkies and their evil human spouses, you're marriage with yuuta is quite the happy one in the seaside town you call home

yours was an accidental love story where he accidentally caught you in his net, only to release you

the next day, you brought piles of fresh fish and crabs and shrimp by his beachside home as thanks, much to his confusion as to where the catch came from

you usually followed his boat when he goes to fish and he learns how to recognize you, often laughing sheepishly when he saw you, warning you not to get too close so you don't end up in the net again

it isn't until a stormy night when yuuta fell overboard that you did anything drastic such as save his life, taking him to the shore and giving him cpr

you stayed with him all night until the storm passed keeping him warm

when yuuta woke up to seeing a beautiful, naked person by his side, he was understandably surprised. even more so when you transformed into a seal right in front of him. that was his introduction to the folk, to magic

now he's surrounded by you and your ocean-filled magic everyday in your little cottage by the sea

you come and go as you please, sometimes for weeks sometimes even for months at a time depending on the time of year

but you always come back and yuuta is happy to see you every time

[possamble]

do you have any particular thoughts regarding marcille being a half-elf? its interesting to me considering the fact that she seems self-conscious about being a half-elf, but denies it when its brought up

i remember marcille looking visibly uncomfortable over laios simply asking her how old she is, which i think the only reason she might feel nervous about this is because it might reveal her as a half-elf to him.

she's never corrected anybody whose called her an elf either.

never mind the circumstances of the reveal, in which thistle goes on about how half-elves are inferior and accusing her of wanting to become full blooded elf, she seemed particularly upset like he struck a nerve-

i wish the half-elf thing was built upon more. also, underrated marcille line:

okay so i revisited this sequence just to make sure I could back myself up and it's just... man. there's a lot going on.

the first reaction we get from Marcille is this huge panel that takes up half of the page

she is viscerally affected. flushing to the tips of her ears with the intensity of it. and we see it again, a few pages later

so it might seem like she's embarrassed about it and lying to herself, but... I really think it's just that Thistle is accidentally hitting sore spots. If you really look at what he says to get these reactions

"you'll live out your entire life [...] and die that way too"

"a hundred years from now, nobody will be there"

Hear me out. I think, if he stuck to harping on about her inferiority without bringing up how terrifyingly long-lived she is, she wouldn't have been as bothered. But right now, Thistle is accidentally hitting all the marks on Marcille's deepest fears-- and this is after the Winged Lion promised her that her dreams could come true in an extremely vulnerable moment, so it also hits her slightly guilty conscience as well.

I do truly believe that Marcille isn't bothered about being a half-elf the way that people assume she'd be bothered by it. To her, the biggest problem with being a half-elf is that it's isolating.

On one hand, it's not hard to imagine why she'd distance herself from elves in the west. A lot of them can clock her as a half-elf on sight, unlike other races, and therefore she's always branded with this weird stigma of being Othered -- I would even say that she considers herself lucky for being born outside of elven culture instead of having to grow up in it. I mean, just... look at the way elves talk about her.

Skipping past the uncomfortable implication of what 'not tolerating the existence' of half-elves would actually entail, this is incredibly fucking annoying. You can see why she wouldn't want to be around elves much. You see a lot of Marcille reacting badly here, but honestly, almost all of it can be attributed to her freaking out that her bluff completely failed. She's honestly more paying attention to Izutsumi's footsteps and trying to coordinate an opportunity to escape.

And in the end, you see her built-up frustration at being asked if she wants to be a full-blooded elf like 2-3 times in a row.

Yeah, yeah, "the lady doth protest too much," and all. But we know Marcille. We know that she's a lot more embarrassed and horrendously unconvincing when she's being prodded about something she's actually self-conscious about.

Moving onto the flipside of things, it might seem weird that she "pretends" to be a full elf around other races, but it's not really that strange if you think about it. Again, people are weird about her being infertile or whatever, and a lots of them don't even know much about what sets half-elves apart from everyone else. I mean, look at how uncomfortable Laios is just asking her about it

and look at how exasperated and resigned she looks

And like... she's right. Where would that come up in normal conversation? Why would she go out of her way to tell them? She's functionally a normal elf to other races anyway -- got the ears, the abnormally long "childhood", and the huge mana capacity. Unless it's directly relevant or important for people to know, I don't think it's all that strange or indicative of insecurity that she prefers not to bother with it.

(This combined with her sense of being an "outsider" to elf culture also explains why she thinks elf superiority is embarrassing. She sees the way elves treat short-lived races from the "outsider" perspective nonetheless, and thinks it's obnoxious; especially more so because she usually has to play the elf around short-lived races and deal with the reputation of arrogance that elves have built up.)

The sad thing is, this all means that... she doesn't actually fit in anywhere. She doesn't like going out West much because of how elves treat her. But she's also an outsider in the continents she was born in, treated like this exotic long-lived alien choosing to live among short-lived races for some reason. She is always an outsider, the Other, no matter where she goes. Add in the fact that she'll live longer than literally anyone she knows, and it's honestly kind of heartbreaking.

And I think that's the crux of it. Marcille really doesn't act like she's at all self-conscious about being a half-elf because of any feelings of inferiority or being half-made or whatever. She considers herself a perfectly legitimate being and might even, in some ways, consider herself superior to normal elves because she's not blind with elf supremacy or whatever. (And whatever "elven biases" she displays, all of them are born more out of the fact that she's kind of bad at conceptualizing how other races age and mature compared to herself, not that she actually considers herself better or more mature simply for being an elf.)

I think that whatever self-consciousness Marcille has about being a half-elf is, instead, related to terror and loneliness. The reminder that it ensures she'll never truly belong anywhere for the rest of her very long life. The reminder that, in truth, even she's not actually sure how old she is by other races' standards (hence the discomfort when asked how old she is). She doesn't want to not be a half elf, or be a full elf or full tall-man-- in her ideal world, she's still a half-elf. She just gets to live out her life at the same pace with the people she loves and doesn't have to say goodbye again and again and again until she dies.

and one last very important panel, right after Mithrun tells her that all her desires would be devoured

In her ideal world, she's still a half-elf and reality magically starts marching at her pace. But failing that, the second best thing is that she's still a half-elf-- but one who is able to accept reality and let go of her fear.

(But the rest of the story pans out the way it does because, to Marcille, taking reality apart and reshaping it was less scary than simply and fully reconciling with it.)

[dyemelikeasunset]

during my daily dommor brainrot i was wondering what mor and dom would be in ocean of cycles. i guessed a myr artist for mor and a dryad/nomad mage for dom?

(edit: idk why tumblr messed up my formatting and won't fix it on desktop no matter how many times i try. Anyway sorry this ended up being a longer post than I wanted 😓)

I haven't touched Ocean of Cycles in a minute cause I'm admittedly stuck on a lot of things, but I did reimagine Dom and Mor as denizens of the Four Realms recently and you were close!

Mor would be a Kobold cleric/bard, and Domi would be a Dryad battlemage (Whisper would be Mor's familiar, an animal I'm designing for the Southern Realm called a Bast Jackal!)

world building things under the readmore

Mor uses Lunar Air magic to summon rain clouds, and probably has quite a few healing and support spells

Dangling off Mor's hip is a family heirloom, unique to Kobolds, that is made of bones. These heirlooms are passed down from generation to generation, extracted from dead elders who have essentially willed their bones to specific descendants. They give Kobolds a very unusual ability to be roused from death. Each resurrection will dissolve a bone

Dom uses Solar Air magic to make her body immaterial, like a shadowy mist. She can use it to evade attacks, or sneak through spaces.

Following her around is an Air Sprite, a being of pure mana that is more commonly found in the East realm. Dryads are known to tame sprites of their same element, but with a different subelement, and the magic synergy between Sprite and mortal gives the dryad access to new spells. Dom's sprite uses lightning magic, and helps her attack her enemies and also give Dom the ability to enchant her weapon and armor

The very loose story revolves around them having a chance meeting, and Dom realizing that Morgan's magic is perfectly tuned to hers to make what's known as an Elemental Celestial-- a form that combines two people's elemental magic together for unfathomable power. Mor gets swept up in the world of the occult, as Dom tries to protect her from dark mages who seek to abuse their joint power

[dgrailwar]

Round Δ, Day 3 - 'Launcher' versus 'Shielder' versus 'True Foreigner'

"Haah!"

A ray of light, like the sun, scorched the ground and rocketed towards the Shielder, who jumped out of the way.

The Shielder was absurdly fast, dashing and leaping from one bit of broken, floating land to the next, moving as a blur as the Launcher continued to fire more and more attacks at him, explosions covering the battlefield.

"You're not bad-- Launcher, was it? How'd you get stuck with a class like that!?"

"An old friend considered me more of a laser cannon than a spearman. So, I hold this title with pride, even if it may be less 'legitimate' than other Extra-classes, made from edited code and careless whims."

The barrage of light was briefly broken up as the Shielder launched a spear towards the Launcher, striking against it's target as the Shield-bearer closed the gap within an instant, shield materializing in his grip as he smashed it against the head of the Launcher, watching his opponent spiral and crash into the ground.

Watching, dumbfounded, was the 'True Foreigner'.

"It's… okay for Yuyu to be here… right?! I…Isn't this a l-l-little too intense?! Why did I get in the fight with two superhumans...?!"

The Launcher turned his attention towards the consort, his eye flashing again with that scorching light as he fired it towards her, now having two targets in his sights.

"Eeeeek!"

"You say this battlefield is intense, but you're much more dangerous than Shielder, Foreigner…"

"Oi! I kind of resent that! I'm plenty dangerous, Launcher! Just watch!"

The boosts in play are...

Karna: +25%

Achilles: +20%

Yang Guifei: +20%

Servant Skills:

Karna (Launcher)

Brahmastra (Unranked): A true hero kills with his eyes. Gain a +30% boost when engaged in combat.

Mana Burst (Flame) (A Rank): No matter what demerits may come his way, his boost will be 20% at minimum.

Discernment of the Poor (A Rank): Inflict a -10% demerit on his opponents.

Achilles (Shielder)

Valor (A+ Rank): When in battle, gain a +20% boost.

Affection of the Goddess (B Rank): Achilles is immune to demerits, no matter how severe. (Note: Skills that 'cut' boosts, such as Gatekeeper's skill, do not count as 'demerits').

Battle Continuation (A Rank): He is about to take damage when losing a fight, and they are at least within 10% of their highest opponents score, they can avoid taking damage completely.

Yang Guifei (True Foreigner)

Consort of Devastating Beauty (A Rank): The immense power of the country-ruiner's beauty. When in a Free-for-All, if she lands in 2nd Place and her score is within 7% of 1st Place, they acquiesce the victory to her. If in a One-on-One, the scoring zone is increased to 10%.

When facing against Male Servants, gain a +10% boost per Servant present. When faced against female Servants, the boost is simply +3%.

Male Servants:

Shielder

Launcher

Sun of a Calamitous Star (A Rank): Intense, ever-burning flames. When in a One-on-One, gain a +7% boost. When in a Free-for-All, gain a +10% boost.

Affection for Three Thousand in One (A+ Rank): When engaged in a Free-for-All, all other participants are given a -5% demerit.

[tinietaehyun]

Forsaken [X]

[Sorcerer!Taehyun x Royal!Reader] [Series] [Chapter Ten]

Pairing: Sorcerer!Taehyun x Royal!Reader

Genres: royal!au, romance, fantasy, enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, action.

Contains: Profanity, mentions of injury, mentions of forced marriage, angst, unrequited love, manipulation, gaslighting.

Links: Forsaken Masterlist || Masterlist

Summary: With the situation tensing up, you find yourself at a loss. You had to keep Prince Beomgyu distracted whilst Taehyun worked his magic with your escape plan.

While Beomgyu toys with you, you play the reluctant damsel in distress hoping to the gods above he doesn’t find it suspicious. His sly smiles, the way his fingers brush against yours, against your waist as you both dangerously waltz wearing masks of deceit.

Though amongst your stress, you didn’t expect to reunite with your beloved knight.

“You know, I don’t get why you’ve been searching around? You can ask for my help, I know these cabinets inside out,” Soobin murmurs puzzled as he watches Taehyun whizz around the room rummaging through the drawers and cabinets.

The two sorcerers keep each other company in the Sorcerer’s Chambers in Luna’s Palace. Taehyun peers back at his satchel rummaging through it and brings out a small worn-out book. It was a small notebook that contained the last of his father’s spells that his father wrote down before he passed as well as spells that Taehyun created on his own.

His father had written the spell for teleportation, for emergency use. Who knew he’d be using it for such a situation? His eyes flicker across the scrawled handwriting on the pages as he checks the ingredients and design of the mana circle.

He’d have to double the size of the circle and add a few more nodes, but it should be possible to teleport two people; though it was clear, it was going to take an immense amount of power. He didn’t know whether he’d be okay afterwards.

Taehyun wasn’t exactly keen on revealing his plans to Soobin either, after all, he did work as Beomgyu’s royal sorcerer apprentice. What if he told him either by blurting it out or out of loyalty? Soobin had always been rather genuine and naive from a young age. Though, a tiny hint of guilt permeates Taehyun in deceiving his friend. Perhaps, he’d tell Soobin later on nearer to the time; or he’d let Soobin piece it together himself.

Taehyun ascertains which materials he’s found here and rummages in his satchel once more much to Soobin’s confusion. As he rummages, a glistening ring tumbles out, clinking against the wooden table and bouncing down against the cobbled floor and rolling away. Y/n’s ring!

Taehyun’s eyes widen as a gasp escapes his lips. Fortunately, the ring topples over beside Soobin’s foot as he picks it up admiring the intricate design of the heavy ring. “Pretty expensive ring, heavy too? Where’d you get something like this?”

“None of your business,” Taehyun huffs, walking over and attempting to snatch it. The ring glimmers under the candlelight beautifully. The ring you gave to him before you both got stuck in this mess. Soobin’s eyes teasingly glimmer as he raises the ring above Taehyun’s height. He hums, “Wait, wait…is it from Princess Y/n? It is, isn’t it! Look at your face!”

Soobin cackles as an angry yet flustered expression coats Taehyun’s visage. “No- just give it here, it’s valuable!” Taehyun grumbles. “Goodness! Your expression is priceless, this is the first time I’ve ever seen you caught off guard!” Soobin laughs. Taehyun crosses his arms averting his gaze as a small hue of pink dusts his cheeks.

“The ring is rather small for your hands anyway, very dainty but heavy. Must be real gold. She gave you this? So you guys do have something going on, huh?” Soobin teases.

Taehyun grunts, “She just felt guilty about me helping her with no monetary compensation so she gave it to me.” He attempts to snatch it once more, “Anyway, don’t be delusional, Soobin. Not like anything will happen, I’m just helping her. After all this shit is over, she won’t bat an eyelid at me.”

Soobin pouts, “Oh don’t say that, the princess seems rather fond of you.” Taehyun shrugs and Soobin hands him back the ring much to Taehyun’s relief. “I’d have turned you into a fucking toad, if you dropped this or damaged it,” he snarks making Soobin snort loudly.

“So…what’s with the specific choice of ring?” Soobin grins mischievously. “Don’t read too much into it you fool, she was so insistent on paying me, so she gave me this ring,” Taehyun mutters. “You’ve still kept it, a royal ring could have you set for half of your life. Why didn’t you sell it?” Soobin questions with a playful smirk.

A flicker of hesitation crosses Taehyun’s face and Soobin muses, “Oh? Not planning to sell it at all then?”

Taehyun scoffs, “Shut up, not like I’ll have a chance. I’ll probably be back in the woods after all this. Just…something to keep as a souvenir, I guess.” A knowing look appears on Soobin’s face, “Okay, whatever you say then.” Taehyun merely rolls his eyes at his implicative tone.

Soobin hums in thought, “You’d lose that tiny thing if you’re not careful. Why don’t I get you some yarn or wool. I think I’ve got some-“ He walks off rummaging through some small cabinets. Taehyun’s eyes narrow, “What?”

Soobin walks over holding some black yarn, “Here, you can thread the yarn through the ring and then maybe tie it to something, I don’t know.”

Cutting a long piece off, Taehyun threads the yarn through the ring as he dangles it in front of himself peering at the beautiful accessory. Memories of your face fills his mind, your precious laugh, snarky remarks and glimmering big eyes. The genuineness in your tone when you handed this to him, thinking he’d leave you behind in Luna.

Without thinking, he takes the two ends and loops it around his neck, and ties the ends together forming a necklace with the ring hooped onto it. A spark of surprise flashes on Soobin’s face and he smirks, “You have feelings for her.” Taehyun grunts, “Fuck off. Nothing’s going to happen.”

Soobin shrugs, “You're helping her, it’s a noble pursuit, I'm sure she appreciates that a lot. I don’t know, never say never.” Taehyun deadpans. Soobin gleams, “And you’re in denial, it’s quite clear.”

Taehyun merely groans scavenging back in his satchel for his notebook. He begins placing all the items necessary on the wooden table. “I still don’t get what you’re doing?” Soobin asks. Taehyun snorts, “Good.” Soobin huffs, “Huh?”

Taehyun’s gaze scans across the table of items and flickers back to his notebook, “Seems we need to get some more items. Since I can’t quite go out at the moment, since there guards around, and well, the prince insists on our safety. Do you mind getting the things I write down?”

“Uh…sure? But why are you suddenly doing this?” Soobin questions. Taehyun hesitates, “There’s a spell I want to teach you. But I need your help.”

“What spell is it?” Soobin questions confused. Taehyun muses dryly, “You’ll get it as we go along.” Well, Soobin was never one to turn down helping someone.

————

“You seem rather discomforted,” Beomgyu muses. You peer down at his arm hooked around yours at your side as you walk together, “I am.” A chuckle escapes his lips, “I appreciate your honesty, you know that?”

“As I was saying, I believe we can skip the usual engagement ball and go straight into the marriage ceremony. Things will be much more efficient and we can then head forth with our plan to take your position back, no?” You nod bored; for the last half an hour the prince insisted you walk with him; all he’s been doing is irritating you with conversation of marriage preparations.

“If you’d like, I can leave the more tedious matters such as invitations, decorations and such to you.” You glance around the grand hallway as you walk and drawl, “How joyous.”

He muses, “I can see you’re brimming with enthusiasm, love.” You grimace, making him chuckle.

As you continue walking, your eyes catch light of a magnificent set of large doors intricately painted and set with architectural flourishes. Beomgyu peers at you with a smirk, “Curious are we? Come.” He guides you through the large doors and your eyes widen recognising the humongous ballroom.

You remember coming here as a child! However, it’s been renovated in a more contemporary style - it’s stunning. Beomgyu regards you with an amused expression, “Not as dull as Fortuna’s ballroom, is it?” You scoff, “Oh hush.”

You walk ahead observing the beauty of the ballroom in which the golden light of the sunset filters in through the larger glass panes. Beomgyu’s sparkle with mischief as he suddenly outstretches his hand, “Love, would you care to dance?” You bite your lip in hesitation, you couldn’t be too much of a stickler.

With a huff, you take his hand and he brings the back of your hand to his lips with a teasing gaze, “Thank you, your highness.” He finds you rather endearing, keeping your composure, your dislike for him aside and going along with his little games. He enjoyed seeing your little reactions here and there.

He tugs you forward with a few inches separating you and his other hand slides around your waist; in an almost intimate fashion. The sunset glows against his skin making him look like a deity. Only the echoes of your footsteps resound out eerily as you dance together.

“Are you worried about marrying me? I assure you I will not meddle in your affairs,” he pauses with a smirk, “Well not too much that is.” You scoff as you waltz in the silence, “I find that rather hard to believe, but not like I have much of a choice,” you mutter.

He’s delighted by your answer and hums, spinning the both of you two around, “Come now, you’re painting me to be some sort of villain.”

“Are you not?” You ask, peering into his eyes and he matches your intense gaze, “Am I not your Prince Charming; coming to save you? Save you from a life without a title, from execution?”

You scoff lowly, “You’re manipulative-“ He chides playfully, “I prefer the term, persuasive.”

Beomgyu’s hand slides further down your waist and his grip on your hand tightens, “I don’t see what you’re so anxious about. I won’t be treating you like a slave. No, rather you’ll be spoiled, more than you were in Fortuna. Buy to your heart's desire, make yourself look pretty, roam around or stay inside, do as you please.”

You frown, maybe you’d be tempted if you already liked him. Yet your heart ached. You really hope Taehyun was making progress; Beomgyu was becoming more insufferable by the second.

Beomgyu muses, “Ah yes, I forgot you wish to have love in your marriage. Is that it? Is that why you’re so averse to this?” You scoff peering away. A chuckle escapes his lips, “What a cute notion. Though, I don’t mind humouring you.”

Glaring, you respond, “No love at all is better than a false concept of love.” Beomgyu hums amused by your answer as he leans closer; his breath caresses your face, “Come now, I never said it was impossible. Perhaps you’ll win me over, one day. Try hard enough, and perhaps I’ll willingly give my heart into your hands and shower you with my affections.”

His fingers squeeze yours as he steps forward and you step back accordingly, waltzing, a tension permeates the air between you two. Your eyes locked onto each other in a heated battle of mind and wits.

“Shower you with gifts, as my queen. Parade you around to my heart’s content, isn’t that nice?” He murmurs his breath fanning your ear. “Like a mere prize?” You seethe lowly. “Exactly, are you not my pretty prize? My consolation for Luna’s retreat in battle all those years ago?”

You murmur, “To think I once admired you, how naive. Thought you charming.” Beomgyu muses, spinning the both of you around once more, “Are you hurt by that still? Come now, I’m showing you my truest self now, no?”

Before you can make any remark; your moment is shattered as a guard rushes in, “Sire, a squadron of knights from Fortuna has just arrived. The Royal Commander wishes to meet with you. Would you like to greet them or shall I send them here?”

Your blood runs cold. No, no. They were here to haul you away! This couldn’t be happening! Beomgyu peers over at you with a smirk, “My, you’ve gone pale. Don’t go fainting on me now, I’m here. There’s nothing going to get in the way of me marrying you. Don’t fret.”

Beomgyu replies, “Send just the commander here. Make haste.” The guard nods rushing out instantly. Your thoughts run wild; the commander. Wait…Kai? He’s here?

Beomgyu hums, squeezing your hand, “Let me handle it, I won’t let them take you away from me, alright? They’re here on my territory.” His twisted sense of reassurance sends shivers through you. He moves a strand of hair from your face with a sly gaze and you scoff averting your eyes. “How cold you are to me, love,” Beomgyu muses.

The clatter of armor reverberates and your heart palpitates in anticipation. The grandiose doors open and you spot a painfully familiar visage. His soft eyes meet yours and you pry your hand out of Beomgyu’s as your legs automatically take into a sprint towards him.

Nostalgia and blissful feelings all return at once as you rush to him with your arms outstretched, teary-eyed. Hueningkai opens his arms wide as you run into his arms, embracing him tightly. You missed him, someone who had been by your side for ages.

Despite him following Sehun’s orders, he gave you the key to escape your cell and pointed you towards an escape route. You knew he would never truly betray you. He must have been forced, after all, he was the royal commander.

You peer up at his face and your eyes widen upon spotting a scar that presents itself on his upper cheek. You cup his face with watering eyes, “Kai, what happened?” Your gaze shakes and you splutter, “Was it S-Sehun?” Hueningkai removes your hand off his cheek; it hurts you. His silence tells you everything.

Enraged, you snarl, “That bastard! How dare he lay his blade upon you? What have you done to deserve such a punishment? Goodness, it must have hurt so much. Is it because of me? Because you let me escape?”

Hueningkai murmurs, “He doesn’t know that, otherwise I wouldn’t be standing here alive before you, princess.” You shudder and you frown. He resumes, “It was my mere incompetence. He’s become a tyrant, unstable, arrogant.”

Beomgyu snorts behind you as he walks over, “How predictable.” Hueningkai bows before continuing, “The kingdom and its people are in a restless state. Yeonjun has become Sehun’s most trusted aide, as his personal advisor.”

Dread fills your senses, that was awful news. “The coronation fastly approaches.” Kai reaches into his satchel and brings out an intricate scroll, “Thus, here I am, Prince Beomgyu, to extend an invitation to his majesty’s coronation.”

Beomgyu muses taking the scroll, “How quaint. Stealing the throne off his beloved sibling, how crude. Why should I attend such an event?” You roll your eyes; as if he was morally any better?

You enquire, “What is Sehun like now?” Hueningkai answers, “His demeanor is constantly changing; he’s stable one moment, paranoid the next. Increasingly agitated, sometimes even fearful. Perhaps, it’s the pressure, I’m not sure, princess.” His response befuddles you, what was troubling Sehun? Was Yeonjun up to something?

Unease fills you as your thoughts whirr in your mind. Beomgyu hums, “I’m sure you’re not just here to give me an invite, no?” He gestures to you with a sly smile, “Surely, he’s looking for his sister.” Your heart launches up into your throat.

“Kai…you’re not here to take me back right?” His expression drops as he murmurs, “Sehun told us to negotiate with Prince Beomgyu, to take you back. After all, you have a bounty on you.” You lifelessly peer at him. You couldn’t even be mad at him, he was just following orders. Hueningkai seems to pick up on your distress as he murmurs, “I’m a coward, I know.”

“You’re not,” you softly say.

“I am, I can’t even take your damn side! I’m trapped, I can’t just swing my blade at Sehun, I cannot protect you, my duty was to protect you,” Hueningkai snaps to himself, angered. He felt that he was useless.

His eyes glaze over, “I’m forced to follow his orders, princess. Otherwise, you damn well know, I’d have taken your side in a heartbeat.” He shakily resumes, “But…my family. He’s using my family against me. I can’t let anything happen to them. To my mother, my sisters.”

Your heart drops as your hands shake. Sehun…you will pay for your sins. A tear drips down your face seeing your beloved knight this vulnerable. “I understand, I do not blame you, Kai.”

“The way you looked so broken those nights in your cell, I…I thought you hated me. I wished the earth would swallow me whole,” Kai rasps. You murmur, “You helped me escape, that in itself was a bold move. That told me your loyalty to me still remains.”

You take his hands and peer at him with a determined gaze, “Protect your family, Kai. They come first. Don’t worry about me, I’ve…I’ve enlisted the help I need.” He peers down at your hands, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be.” His words shake you to your core; all sorts of past feelings and reminiscent memories flood your mind. Your heart aches.

Beomgyu clears his throat loudly peering down at your hands and Hueningkai pulls them away, “Apologies, your highness.”

“No need to fret, I believe I’ve ascertained the nature of your relationship,” Beomgyu snarks as he grasps your hand.

“Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Your ruler wishes to take my betrothed only to execute her? I think not,” Beomgyu hums and you grimace; how flawlessly he could put on an act as if he wasn’t using you.

Hueningkai stiffens, “Sorry, your highness? Betrothed?” You stammer, “Not official-“

“We’ll be getting married, isn’t that right, love?” Beomgyu peers down at you, squeezing your hand like a vice.

You mutter as Kai’s expression becomes appalled, “It’s out of circumstance, don’t think too much into it.” Infuriated, Hueningkai snaps, “You said you wished to marry for love? You already rejected his betrothal proposal years ago!” Beomgyu glares unamused at him.

How you wished to let Kai know this was a mere facade, an orchestrated plan yet you didn’t want to spoil your ruse. With a sigh you respond, “I have no choice, Kai. Beomgyu is the only person who can help me attain my throne back. I’ll have political power once I marry him, and he can officially enter Fortuna on diplomatic grounds,” you grit out, “I trust him.”

A small mocking laugh escapes Beomgyu’s lips. Hueningkai stares at you dumbfounded but says nothing. “Trust me, Kai,” you urge and he sighs, “I…I cannot persuade you. I know how stubborn you are.”

You ponder, his task was to take you back. If he turned up empty-handed to Sehun…oh no! You stammer, “How are you going to return without me? No- actually, stay here Kai. It’s safer for you here. We need all the help-“

Hueningkai murmurs with a pained smile, “I wish I could, but my family, princess. He’ll stop their monthly benefits, slaughter them even, then come for me.” You remain silent. “I have to return, face my punishment. For the sake of my family. Truthfully, I came to deliver the invitation and had no intention of bringing you back. It gave me solace actually that you were far away. Safe. So you could start anew.”

His words touch you deeply; his tone is lifeless, as if he’s given up on everything. “Sehun…who knows what that tyrant will do to you?” You frown.

A moment of tense silence passes as Kai finally replies with a defeated smile, “I’ll handle it. He cannot be so hasty to get rid of his finest commander, no?” His words offer you no reassurance, no, in fact he’s deflecting.

Kai’s eyes meeting Beomgyu’s, “I’m sure the Prince will fervently help you. More than I can.” Oh, if only you knew Kai…

“I admire your honour, your bravery,” Beomgyu hums, peering at Kai. “You are indeed a fine knight. I do hope Sehun does not punish you so severely but rather I hope we meet in better circumstances. Perhaps you can work for me, instead.”

Kai looks down at the floor hesitantly, “Of course, your highness. I wish you both the best of luck in your pursuits.”

Anxiety courses through you, surely Sehun wouldn’t be deranged enough to kill Kai? No…no way. He’d be fine, Kai was capable, persuasive, charming. He would be fine, wounded seriously but fine. Right? Nothing he couldn’t handle?

“Don’t worry about me, Princess. I know what you’re like. Don’t lose sleep over me, you got that?” He chuckles placing a hand atop your head, as he did in the past. Something about his forlorn expression hurt you deeply. It was almost as if he was letting you go. For good.

“A moment, alone, Beomgyu.” You request Beomgyu to leave the two of you be, and with great reluctance, he leaves walking away.

The sunset dimly illuminates his chiselled features. That face once would make your cheeks warm and your gaze lock onto his. However, this time it doesn’t. You don’t know why. Those precious feelings, you once held dear in your heart, seemed like a forlorn memory. Another face flashes in your mind; pale blond locks, sharp eyes and a snarky smile, handsome features. Taehyun.

You shake your head as your heart beats rapidly and you find yourself becoming breathless. A painful realisation comes to fruition, your feelings for your beloved knight were but a thing of the past. Looking at the way, he was gazing at you dully, you sensed it was the same for him.

“Kai, did you ever…see me as more than just your princess, more than just bound by duty?” You ask lowly. He gives you a sad smile peering out at the darkening sky, “I think you know the answer, princess.” You both remain quiet and you shakily murmur, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What good would it do, I’m your knight. That is all. You are royalty,” Kai responds. “Right. But…what about now?” You ask tentatively.

His eyes glimmer in melancholy as he speaks, “I…I’ve come to realise over the last month or so, I am not worthy of you. You deserve better, your highness. Someone, who can put themselves in harms way, not bound by fear or responsibility. More powerful than I. Someone who can challenge the norms. Not a coward like me.” He breathes out, “I’ve failed my duty as a knight the moment, Sehun shook my hand and requested me to help imprison you at the time of the decree.”

“I wish to dedicate myself in protecting my loved ones. In that, I cannot protect you; I chose my family over you.” Kai murmurs solemnly. You stand there frowning; he had given you up. You wanted to say, you liked him once too. But, you decide, to save him from more misery, to not disclose such information.

“Don’t feel as though you are a failure, Kai. You will forever be my most loyal and heroic knight and above all, my closest friend. March proudly back to Fortuna, stand tall regardless of what Sehun does,” you utter.

You step forward peering into his umber eyes, “Wait for me. To serve me once more, under my rule when I return. Just trust me.” Kai’s eyes water for a moment before he restrains himself. Clearing his throat he steps back, “Of course, I only await good things.” You smile at him as he does to you.

“I’ll be fine,” he whispers under his breath. “I know you will,” you whisper back. With a shared nod, he steps back bellowing out to Beomgyu, “Your highness, thank you for your time. I will be taking my men and promptly leaving your residence. My men and I will reach Fortuna by tomorrow evening.”

Beomgyu walks over pleased, “Safe travels, I do hope to see you next time.” Hueningkai nods, giving you a final glance as he walks out of the ballroom doors. A warm emptiness fills you.

The sun finally melts into the horizon slowly dimming the ballroom into a darkness with you and Beomgyu standing beside each other.

“You seem to just steal everyone’s heart, hm?” Beomgyu muses. You say nothing, still burdened by Kai’s departure. “Oh don’t look too sad, do not tell me you reciprocate that knight’s feelings?”

You snap; “He doesn’t…have feelings for me.” Beomgyu chuckles, “I saw the way he looked at you. Any man can see it clear as day.” You murmur, “Not anymore. It was but a memory.”

Beomgyu hums amused, taking your hand guiding you towards the doors out of the ballroom and into the candle-lit hallway, “Perhaps, you will enlighten me of that memory after our marriage.”

A groan escapes your lips as he chuckles, “Oh how adorable you are in your reluctance.” You both walk together as he hums, “Your kingdom seems to be in quite the shambles.”

“I’m aware,” you grit out. Beomgyu hums, “Once getting into Fortuna, removing your pitiful brother off the throne and crowning your pretty little head with your rightful crown, everything should naturally fall into place.”

His condescension irks you and a scoff escapes your lips. “I can imagine it, the two kingdoms with such turmoiled history uniting, how historic, no?”“I suppose,” you mutter dryly.

You notice his jaw tighten and a squeal escapes your lips as you're suddenly pushed against the wall.

Beomgyu’s hand lands beside your head as he steps forward with a smirk; his dark brown locks fall across his forehead, brushing against his lashes in a manner that makes him look predatory. “As much as I enjoy our back and forth; your little glares; huffs and scoffs, I do hope you can put on an act in front of my people, especially yours.”

“I’d like to find that rather than appearing dry and unromantic is not an ideal way to win over a kingdom of people. Rather…a princess who lost her title, ran to her ally kingdom, where a charming prince whisked her to safety, and they fell in love. How does that story sound? I’m sure the newspapers will love it, no?” He coos.

Your eyes widen, “You’re deranged to think they’ll believe that.” His lips form a twisted smile, “You’re forgetting the kingdoms are full of uneducated peasants.” Your gaze darkens; he truly didn’t care.

“So you can huff and whine, as much as you like, within closed doors. In fact, I rather enjoy it. But I do implore you to put on your prettiest acting face in front of the public and other nobles, hm?”

Beomgyu leans in closer making your breath hitch; your eyes flicker to his lips, a mere few inches away from yours. A shiver runs through you as his eyes spark, “Oh? What’s this?”

“Are you scared or…are you enjoying my proximity, hm? Tell me y/n?” A teasing tone drips from his luscious lips. He leans closer and you snap your head to your right, away from his face.

A husky chuckle resounds from him as his deep voice brushes against your ear, “Do not tell me, you’re afraid of a little close proximity? Your shaky breaths, dilated pupils, trembling body,” he muses, “My, my, what would my maids think if any of them turned the corner into this hallway, hm?”

You scoff shoving him aside, “Have some decorum; your highness. We are not married.”“Yet,” he grins. “I merely tease, your expressions are fascinating,” Beomgyu hums, brushing past you, “Anyway; let me escort you to your chambers. You must be emotionally exhausted, no?”

You mutter, “Oh believe me, I am.”

He asks, “Oh, where’s your little traveling companion of yours? I have not seen him all day. Are you two still squabbling?” You murmur, “I don’t know, he’s not spoken to me,” you feign a frown, “I…I saw him earlier pacing around. I want to apologise to him.”

Beomgyu laughs, “Apologise? Do not be absurd, you are royalty and he is but a sorcerer, an exiled one at that. In fact, I believe now is the best time to send him off. He serves no purpose here.”

You try to contain your angered composure and you murmur most earnestly, “I..I know. But I want to leave things off on a good note. Just let me try to talk to him and send him off on a good note, Beomgyu. Please.”

His eyes meet yours with a flicker of hesitation before he curtly hums, “Do as you wish, however pointless it may be.”

A knowing smile graces your lips as you look ahead. Good. That’s what you wanted to hear. Taehyun, stay strong. Keep trying.

“What is your pretty little head thinking about?” Taehyun. You murmur, “Nothing, I’m just exhausted.”

Beomgyu’s lips form a sly smile, “Let’s keep it that way, hm. Now come, off to your chambers we go.”

Taglist: [open]

@royallyjjk @wolfytae-exe @rencarnationofangel @sirenla @matcha-binz @beomies-world @michinri @parkweylyn @wikireads @hanniehaeeeeeee1004 @elara828 @wonioml @onima-chan @moonekth @glossykai @jjunielvrs @beargyuuzz @cathyun @hanstarrs @m3chigo @vanicogh @baekberrie

[girlboybug]

Crush

"he looks like he works with his hands, and smells like marlboro reds."

what's playing 🎧: crush by ethel cain

pairing : bfd!joel x reader (no outbreak au)

word count : 14k (oops)

*unedited*

CONTENT WARNINGS : SMUT, age gap, heavy petting, grinding, fingering, handjobs, references to m!masturbation, unprotected sex, creampies, light dirty talk, riding, soft dom!joel, but also switch coded joel if u squint, slight angst kinda sorta

TRIGGER WARNINGS : lowkey dubcon just bc of the power imbalance that comes with the age gap but everything is consensual as always. joel knew the reader when they were 4, 16 years have passed so now they're 20! brief mentions of messy home life and brief descriptions of verbal sexual harassment

A/N : i've been dying to write bfd!joel, and when i heard crush i knew what i had to do lolol. so sorry this took ages, it wasn't supposed to be this long but here we are lol. i hope you guys enjoy <3 comments really motivate me, so if you liked it plz lmk in the comments :3

your eyes continually drift over to the time glowing in the corner of the screen on your register, wondering when joel was supposed to swing by. you pray that he hasn’t forgotten his promise to your dad of checking out your air conditioner to see what needs to be repaired.

the tiny fan that sits beside your half drinken water bottle does little to nothing, and it only adds insult to injury. 

you think back to last night at dinner, in your air conditioned home, about the ‘exciting’ news your dad had to share. he rattled on about how he ran into an old college buddy and family friend, joel miller down at the pro bass shop—and of course it was at the pro bass shop. 

after a few jogs of your slightly depleting memory, you finally, somewhat, remembered a face to the name. you vaguely joined in with your parents’ reminiscing of how he used to come over with his little girl sarah for play dates, and occasionally babysitting you when your parents went out on their date nights. 

they also were quick to tease you about your little crush on him, one you swear you can’t remember, which in your defense, you really don’t, and desperate to change the subject, you asked about his wife, which only worsened the allegations of your crush on him. 

“goin through a divorce, it’s actually why he moved back here, but i’m sure you’re happy to hear that,” your dad snickered with a little nudge, and you wanted to bury your face in the steaming mashed potatoes on your plate. 

once you managed to wrangle them out of the conversation of your alleged feelings towards the man you barely remembered, it was briefly mentioned that he’d be coming by today to check out your broken down air conditioner at the store your parents owned and operated. 

you’re the cashier there, unwillingly of course, but it helps pay for your very expensive books you need for your classes, so it’s not a total issue. however, as you blanky look around the empty sweltering convenience store, you honestly consider closing up early and ubering home to soak in a nice, cold shower. 

the bell that hangs from the door rings at the front entrance, but you’re too tired and worn down by the heat to say your usual greeting, instead deciding to just remain slumped in your small wooden stool, aimlessly trying to angle your mini fan at the most optimal point of your face. 

your peripheral view catches a navy blue hued shirt, and your head lifts upwards to get a better look in case it’s a customer. 

your eyes fall onto an older man smiling down at you, crossed arms bulging from behind his short sleeves. something bubbles in the very pit of your stomach. “mr. miller?” you ask, slightly unsure, but he nods, chuckling when his arms drop to his sides. “heya hun, it’s been awhile, how are you?” he leans in for a hug, and you suddenly don’t feel the sweat that’s been stuck to your skin for the past three hours as you rise to your feet and off the stool to meet his arms that come around your waist. you manage to stutter a response of, “i’m good, and you?” 

“doin’ alright,” he says through a grin– oh god, his grin is so pretty, you think you almost see a cartoonish sparkle glint in his teeth from the fluorescent lighting.

your stomach bubbles up the more you take him in, and oh no. the worst possible thing just came to fruition.

your parents were actually right. 

he pulls back, hands still on the backs of your arms as he takes a moment to really look at you. “you’re so grown up now honey, i remember when you were just this big,” he holds a hand just below his hip and you join in his light laughter, feeling those fluttery feelings you felt all those years ago rush to your chest and tummy like a dormant volcano erupting. 

he hasn’t aged a bit, maybe a few more wrinkles here and there, and the crows feet beside his eyes deepen more now when he smiles, along with the grays that take the place of where some strands of brown used to be. but he’s just as beautiful as your fuzzy memories, if not more. 

“y-you look exactly the same,” you chuckle nervously, trying to not give in to the magnetic pull tempting your eyes in the direction of his chest and abdomen. he grows a little bashful, glancing away for a moment before he replies, a little pinker in the cheeks than before. “i definitely don’t weigh the same, sweetheart,” he sighs playfully, patting his stomach. 

you hear the traces of slight disappointment in his words and it saddens you. you shake your head, feeling even warmer under the heavy feeling from his eyes blanketing over you while you frown ever so slightly. “i think you look great.” you say truthfully, feeling nervous as soon as the words part from you, worried he might think you’re too forward, but instead he smiles again, looking down at his boots. 

“you’re too kind.” he grins, looking back up at you, his fingers running along the side of his beard. you feel flushed, glancing away from his smiles. 

“goddamn, it is hot in here,” he pinches at his shirt, pulling it back and forth to get a slight breeze. you nod vigorously, plopping back into your stool, fanning yourself once more. “i can show you were the ac’s at,” you offer, and he agrees. 

you guide him to the useless machine, eyeing it down with an irritated look, as if it were alive, and purposefully broken down to spite you. 

he walks over to it, bending down to its level and you balance on your heels awkwardly, overthinking on if it’s the correct social etiquette to say anything right now. 

“hmm, lemme get my belt from the truck, i’ll be back hun,” he nods at you, sending you a smile before he disappears out the store and back to his truck. 

when you’re sure he’s out of view, you curl in on yourself, holding your face and opening your mouth to let out a silent scream. 

all it took was seeing him for two seconds, for a crush you didn’t even remember existed until last night to come back immediately. 

when he returns, he sends you a smile before he goes right to work, setting up shop beside the air conditioner, toolbelt wrapped around the alluring circumference of his waist. 

you imagine what it’d be like if it were your hands instead of the worn down leather that envelops him, how his skin would feel in your palms and jesus, you are being so creepy right now. 

he talks while he works, listing about all the things wrong with the ac, jokingly calling your dad a cheapskate for not being willing enough to upgrade to a functioning one that wasn’t manufactured before you were born. and of course, you laugh, leaning against a counter, hoping he just so happens to turn to the side to spare you a glance and notice that you look effortlessly sexy. 

he mainly keeps his focus on the task at hand but, you keep hoping he turns to look over at you at some point. 

no customers have come in yet, and for once you are eternally grateful for a slow day. 

your eyes trail from his biceps, down to his strong forearms, they look safe, secure, like they could hold you and keep you locked in, and his hands…god his hands. 

they’re long, and big. his wide palms that splay across the side of the ac make the machine somehow look small in comparison. his fingers are so skillful, prodding and working at the screws and confusing bits you didn’t even know were a part of the contraption — but honestly the mechanisms of the ac are not what you care about right now. 

you care about how it would feel if it were your sides, your hips, being touched and caressed instead of the machine, and how his big strong hands could hold onto them, grip them, squeeze them tight like a real man would. 

you notice the way he swipes his forearm across his forehead, clearing away the sweat that beads over the skin, feeling bad that he’s doing so much manual labor in such terrible conditions. 

you depart from your shared space for a moment, padding towards the refrigerators stocked full of drinks. 

you return to him, tapping his shoulder and smiling brightly when he looks at you, eyes darting down to the cold root beer in your hands. “for you. least i can offer while you work,” you beam and he chuckles, switching some weight onto his left foot, his hand resting on his hip when he graciously takes the bottle from you. 

“well thank you hun,” he tips his head at you, unscrewing the cap and taking a swig. 

you watch the way his lips curl around the rim, how his hand just about swallows the entire bottle and the way his adam’s apple bobs while he drinks. you have to fight back the urge to squeeze your thighs together to alleviate the tingly feeling spreading inside you. 

“how’d you remember i like root beer?” he asks, eyes peering at you with a warm surprise, his fingers twisting the screwdriver into the side of the ac. 

you hop up onto the counter beside him, swinging your legs while you shrug. “just randomly came to mind i guess,” he turns to look at you, taking note of the way his eyes land on your bare legs first before they flicker back up to your eyes. you feel a little cocky about that. 

“always were a helpful girl,” he says, and you just about glow at his little compliment, folding a leg over the other while you rest on your palms, trying to hide how big your smile grows. 

“thank you,” you say quieter, shyer than you mean to. 

you two converse a bit longer, and you decide to sneakily flip the open sign to closed in the window while you listen to his responses. 

the topic of college is brought up, and you respond to his questions about how it’s going, what you’re majoring in, and you answer, creative writing, feeling flushed when he pauses his work to smile at you. 

“an’ you know what, you always were a storyteller when you were young, i bet you’ve only gotten better since,” he says wistfully, fondly imagining you typing away and creating stories he’d happily read all about. 

he’s not a big reader, but for you? he could be. 

when he finishes up, he calls you over, turning the knob on high and watching as the ac releases what sounds like a guttural groan before a gust of icy air greets your bare arms. 

you gasp and squeal in delight over no longer being slowly cooked to death in your parent’s mini mart.

“thank you mr. miller you’re literally the best,” you gush and he waves you off, gathering his tools as he nears the register. 

“ahh don’t worry ‘bout it. i’m happy to do it. ‘specially if ya had anyone else do it for you, i know you’d get charged damn near an arm and a leg,” he rests his hands on the counter and your eyes trace over his long fingers while you make your way beside him. you feel giddy when you notice the tan line on his ring finger. 

a reminder of the fact that he’s single now. 

you just nod, holding back from saying something along the lines of how you’d be more than happy to pay him for this service with a…different kind of service of your own in return. 

“so how much was the root beer hun?” he asks, flicking through the bills in his wallet. you immediately shake your head, ignoring his protests of accepting a free drink. 

“no that was on the house mr. miller, i will not take your money,” you say stubbornly and he squints at you, huffing in defeat. “you sure? don’t want you gettin’ in trouble with your folks if they find out you’re out here givin things away for free now,” his hands settle on his hips and he gives you a playfully testing look, still managing to cause a flurry of emotions to ripple inside your lower tummy. 

“who’s gonna tell them?” you counter, voice lowering just a little, eyes following in suit as you stare up at him. 

his soft chuckle fades between his parted lips at the shift in your demeanor. his jaw comes down for a second before his lips curl to the side. “alright, thank you sweetpea,” he concedes just an octave above a murmur. 

“is there anything else you wanted to get? because in all seriousness, they’d probably get more upset at me for actually charging you instead of just letting you have it for free.” you say truthfully, feeling positive that your dad wouldn’t mind joel taking a few things home free of charge. 

he holds out that big hand of his, chuckling when his gaze shifts to the ground before it rests back over on you. “nah s’alright hun, root beer was already mighty gracious of you,” but you’re not buying it, you head behind the register, arms extending along the expanse of the wall of products, pretending to sell the items like you’re showcasing the prizes on a game show. 

“you suuure? anything you want, completely free,” you offer temptingly and his lips collect themselves to the side of his mouth, chuckling mutedly, a little shake of his head as he watches you. 

“alright,” he leans forward, and you feel your throat get a little tight at his ministrations, suddenly noticing the slight glimmer of a chain hidden beneath his shirt. 

“can you get me that pack of marlboro reds behind you hun?” he points at the carton of cigarettes, and for some reason his request makes your stomach get tight. 

you think back to how not even a day ago you rambled about your visceral dislike for boys, discarding them as a waste of time — but joel isn’t a boy. he’s a man, and may the version of yourself who existed moments before he came in, forgive you for being a melted pile of hypocritical mush he’s managed to turn you into in the span of less than two hours. 

you can hear your mother’s scoff in your head as you find yourself feeling giggly at his choice of a freebie. it’s just so. manly. 

he’s so manly. 

you hand him the carton and he pockets it, not before taking a cigarette out, deciding to indulge early. “thank you sweetpea,” he smiles, cigarette already being placed between his lips. 

“no problem,” you nod with a grin. he eyes the closed sign before he looks at you once more with a knowing smirk. “closing early i see,” he pointedly nods at the sign and you shrug with a sheepish little smile, neither confirming nor denying the notion. 

“lemme guess—folks won’t mind? and would actually be more upset if you didn’t close up early?” he teases, and it almost feels like flirting. you decide to tell yourself it is. so you play along, rolling your eyes and waving your hand dismissively with an equally teasing ha. ha. ha laugh. 

“it’s been a slow day, so no, they actually won’t mind, for your information,” you fold your arms, wriggling your face blithely. he chuckles, lighting his cigarette, taking a drag before he continues. “d’you need a ride home then hun?” he asks, genuinely offering and you have to forcibly give yourself a moment to pause before immediately yelling an overly enthusiastic YES PLEASE. 

“are you sure? you’ve already done a lot for me today,” you act a little bashful, mostly because you are, but you also are attempting to hide the excitement bubbling inside you at the thought of being alone with him in his truck. 

he shakes his head, exhaling the smoke from his lips silently, unknowingly entrancing you. “ts’ not a problem at all, cmon,” he motions his head towards the door and you trail along like a lost puppy.  

you lock up the door behind you before you’re greeted by the sight of joel holding the passenger seat open for you. 

your face gets hotter than it was before he fixed the ac at the sight of his chivalry, pretending to curtsy with your invisible dress before you climb into his truck, mumbling a shy thank you, as he safely closes the door behind you. 

he hops in, and you read your address out for him as he turns the keys in the ignition. 

it’s a little silent for awhile, but it’s okay, you’re content stealing glances at him, hiding behind the fist that supports the weight of your tilted head, hoping he doesn’t notice the way your eyes cast over him adoringly. 

he’s so beautiful. you definitely had taste as a kid. 

he even looks strong, and not in an annoying machismo way, but in a natural, humble way. a kind way. 

you want to touch his broad shoulders, kiss your way down his biceps to his forearms and down to each and every finger of his. you want to kiss away all the callouses and take care of him the way he deserves. 

you can’t believe you’re daydreaming about him in such a way right in front of him, especially since it’s the first time you’ve seen him in about 16 years and this is how you react. 

oh well. 

the contrast of grey in his soft looking brown hair is so complementary, you hope he hasn’t turned into one of those guys that put dye over it, because frankly you think the natural look suits him quite well. 

you drift your stares down to his strong hooked nose, admiring how charming it is. you want to trace your finger tip down the slope of it, and uh oh he’s looking at you. 

you can’t be too obvious in your actions, despite the fact that you already are, so you just smile instead of whipping your head around in the opposite direction like you wish you could. “can i try?” you ask, motioning towards his cigarette, trying to play off the situation as to not expose the real reason why you were staring. 

he just chuckles under his breath, his smile lingering when he turns to look back at the road. “that’s ahh, not really a good habit you wanna get yourself into sweetpea.” he says with a small shake of his head. 

you almost give up right there, but you decide to push just a little further. “it won’t be a habit, i just wanna see the appeal is all,” you turn in the seat to fully face him, smile growing when he leans his head towards you in a jokingly exasperated tilt. he says your name warningly, and you deflate for a moment, worried he may actually be annoyed with you. 

you don’t say anything else and he notices, feeling bad at your silence. he sighs with guilt, wanting to remedy the incorrect thoughts you have of him being upset at you as he hands you the cigarette. you instantly perk, taking it into your own fingers. “careful now. you might choke, waters right there in the cup holder if it burns. don’t inhale it too long,” he instructs, watching you from the corner of his eyes to make sure you don’t hurt yourself. 

you wave away his worries, placing the stick between your lips, feeling warm all over when you get a thought that says it’s kind of like we just kissed through the cigarette. 

you inhale, hold it in for a few passing seconds before you’re proving his warnings correct, coughing loudly and not flatteringly whatsoever. 

you try to face away from him, your eyes beginning to water and your throat burning worse than when you smoked from a very suspicious wax pen. the last thing you wanted was for him to see you like this. 

he brings a hand behind your back, rubbing it soothingly as he sighs to himself, feeling a tinge of guilt for letting you smoke. 

“easy honey easy, drink some water,” he hands you the bottle of water and you down it, blinking away your tears as you hand him back his cigarette. “that was so embarrassing i’m so sorry,” you groan, burying your face in your hands. 

“s’alright honey, least now i bet you really won’t wanna make this a habit now right?” he asks, hoping you confirm your aversion to cigarettes. you instead choose to tease him a little, humming a contradictory response to his question. he squints at you and you giggle. “i dunno, might have to try again so i can really make sure.” 

he taps the ashes out the window, laughing at your reply. “you’re gonna get me in trouble with your dad there hun f’he finds out i turned his daughter into a little chain smoker,” 

you slide your hands under your thighs, watching him for a moment before you speak. “i won’t tell if you don’t,” you repeat yourself from earlier, alluding to something else, hoping he reads your mind and understands your allusions. 

he purses his lips in a slight upward furl, looking at you once he’s reached a red light. “someone’s gotten a whole lot sneakier since the last time i saw her,” you laugh, leaning into the headrest while you look at him. “a lots changed since,” you say, voice falling quietly and he holds your stare, his eyes betraying him by clearly darting down to your lips. the red light switches back to green, forcing him to look away from you. 

your chest bloomed at the way he looked at you in that moment, unsure if you’re delusional in even considering the possibility he maybe could reciprocate the attraction you’re feeling. but a little delusion never hurt anyone anyways. 

“it sure has,” he agrees, the corner of his eyes taking in your figure once more. 

but he shakes the thought from his head, almost rebuking it and instead deciding to change the subject. “can’t fault you too much though. sarah’s the same way sometimes,” he says through a chuckle that sounds nervous — did you make him nervous? 

again, you tell yourself you did. 

you sit up straight at the mention of sarah, visibly growing excited. “oh my god sarah, how is she? it’s been so long, i’m sure she doesn’t remember me,” blurred memories of playing with plastic makeup sets, and real makeup you two ‘borrowed’ from her mom, replay in your mind at the mention of her. 

he shakes his head, disagreeing at your slightly saddened thought of being forgotten by sarah. “she’s good, she’s in school just like yourself, and she does remember you hun! matter a fact, she’s home right now, if you’d like, you can come over for dinner and catch up with her,” you clap your hands together excitedly, nodding happily at his suggestion. 

“yes! that sounds amazing, i would love to!” you accept and he smiles at the thought of his two girls sitting together talking at the dinner table. 

“i’m sure she’s gonna lose her mind when she sees you,” he squeezes your knee and you go still, frozen in place when you feel the heat from his palm radiate into your skin. 

his touch is gone too soon, you want to hold his wrist and keep him there, but you pretend his fleeting touch doesn’t affect you as strongly as it actually does. 

the heat from his skin has become yours and you cradle it, pretending you’re not beaming in his passenger seat from it while he talks. 

“i’m kinda nervous, it’s been so long,” you say, pressing the backs of your fingers to your cheeks and feeling the warmth of nervousness flush to the surface of your face. 

“don’t be sweetpea, nothin to be nervous about, i promise,” he comforts your nerves with a soft voice, and you allow it to cushion you. 

—

joel was right about two things. 

you really did have nothing to worry about, you and sarah clicked right away as if no time had passed. she squealed when she saw you, racing towards you and enveloping you in a tight hug, rambling about how she’s missed you so much. it felt good to know you were never forgotten in her mind. 

he was also right about sarah being sneaky. 

or rather ‘persuasive’ and ‘just so happens to forget to mention certain things’ as she would put it. 

she managed to convince both joel (which didn’t take much convincing to begin with) and your dad to let you sleep over, which you were ecstatic about for obvious reasons but also because she saved you from having to scramble for a reason as to why you closed up the shop early. 

you’re in her bed now, sitting behind her while you help gather her hair into her baby pink bonnet, talking about anything and everything there is to talk about. while also getting ready to sleep off the high from the wax pen she has hidden under her pillow. 

“i can’t believe you’re really here with me right now,” she grins as you move back in front of her, leaning into her opening arms. 

“i know, me too, it’s been so long,” you hum, rubbing her shoulders. “i’m kidnapping you by the way, this was all just an elaborate scheme to lure you in.” she mentions casually and you laugh, falling back into her bed with her while you rest your head on her shoulder. 

“fine by me,” you say, and you mean it, but you don’t add that in.

“i’m happy you’re here,” she whispers, her nose scrunching up against yours. you smile, holding your forehead to hers. “i am too.” 

“are you busy tomorrow?” she asks, pulling the blankets over your bodies. you shake your head, curling under the covers. “nah, we’re closed tomorrow at the store and i don’t have school that day,” you say, feeling pure adoration as you watch sarah’s smile grow the more she listens to you talk. 

“why don’t we spend the day together then! my dad’s gonna be at work so we’ll have the house to ourselves,” she whispers as all the excitement from the day starts to add weight into your bones, easing you both into rest. 

you nod and smile sleepily, leaning into her arm that drapes over your side. “okay, i’ll call my dad tomorrow,” you yawn and she closes her eyes at that, content by your answer. 

— 

it’s 3am. you should not be awake. but you are, and you’re looking over at sarah, wishing you were fast asleep like she is. you carefully peel yourself out of her arms, gently covering her with the blankets before you pad out of her room and down into the kitchen for some water. 

you tiptoe down the stairs, your heart sinking nervously right into a tight spot inside your stomach when you see the fridge door agape, with a broad back sticking out of it, also in search of something to drink. 

joel rises and turns to see your stilled figure standing awkwardly, staring forward like you’ve just gotten caught stealing. 

he chuckles, scratching a few lazy fingers down his stubble when he shuts the fridge. “what’re you doin up sweetpea?” he asks, and oh god his voice is nice and gravely, a rasp from the depths of sleep that he evades every night careens around your ears and you nearly fold at the knees. 

“just uh, randomly woke up and i couldn’t go back to bed. was just gonna get some water, sorry,” you sound meek and joel shakes his head, and walks closer. you panic a little. it’s a good panic. 

“nuthin’ to be sorry about hun, i’ll getchu some water,” he holds your arm, smiling softly down at you, nodding at you for confirmation. once again his touch abandons the skin of your upper arm when he leaves to fetch a cup for your water. 

your hand graces the skin he touched as you watch him pour you water. he hands it to you, and you thank him quietly, taking a sip from the old plastic disney princess cup he picked out for you. 

“so what woke you up? you feelin’ alright?” he murmurs, coming in close again to press the back of his hand to your forehead. you weren’t overheating until he decided to do that. 

you swallow hard, shaking your head beneath his hand. “n-no no—well i mean yes, yes i’m-i’m okay, i just wake up randomly at odd hours of the night for some reason sometimes,” you say hushedly, afraid to disturb the peaceful silence the night brings. 

he nods understandingly, withdrawing his hand from your face and you want to tell him he can keep it there, but you mentally digress. 

“happens to me too,” he sighs, visibly tired with a hand lazily running down his stubble. “sorry you’re goin’ through it too then hun,” his thumb runs a small circle over your shoulder comfortingly and your body molds around the curve of his fingers. 

“it’s okay,” you mumble shyly and he smiles softly, his touch stalling on yours before it drops back to his side. the air that fills the quiet kitchen turns into something warm and calming when it floats between your tired bodies, and it feels nice. feels domestic. soft smiles mirror each other on your faces and you look away, unable to handle the weight of his stare. 

“so, do you um…do anything that helps you fall asleep?” you ask curiously, mostly just trying to make conversation to keep him tethered to you, even for just a moment longer. 

he scratches his scruffy beard and sighs, nodding like he’s somewhat ashamed to admit. you grow curiouser, deciding to test the waters and inch in just the tiniest bit closer. “and what do you do?” you question through a whisper. 

“i smoke,” he responds just as hushed and you chuckle. “sounds like you’ve got a bad habit.” you prod, lightly teasing and he takes the playful jab, chuckling along with you. 

“well, we’ve all got our vices,” he smiles at you in a way that's playfully guilty, and you roll your eyes with the same playfulness before speaking again. “was i stopping you from taking a smoke?” you ask, and he shakes his head, denying the notion. “no no, and if you were it’d probably be for the best,” he shrugs and you grin. an idea occurs in your mind. 

“can i smoke with you again?” you ask bravely and the volume in his laugh rises before he’s silencing himself so as to not wake sarah. 

“ain’t happenin’, shouldn’t have even happened the first time,” he immediately shoots down your request but you have a sneaking suspicion you’ll wear him down. 

“but you said it helps you go to sleep,” you counter with a pout and he sighs with faux exasperation. 

“hun,” he says warningly again, eyeing you in a way that pins you where you stand. “first time seein’ you in what? 15 to 16 years and i’m already becomin’ a bad influence on you.” he says amusedly, his fingers dipping into the pocket of his plaid pajama bottoms, tracing over the curve of the loose cigarettes that await him. 

“it’s not like you’re giving me hard drugs mr. miller,” you say, tilting a shoulder at him persuasively. his eyes trace over your face for a few passing seconds, taking in the way you look back at him before he decides what to do next.

“last time, understand? just to help you sleep.” he says, but it sounds like he’s more so reminding himself than he is you. 

“okay,” you smile, following him to the loveseat that faces the window, and you assume this is where he usually smokes. 

he cracks open the window, and sits down into the plump cushion, leaning against the very texan quilt that drapes over the seat. you sit down on the arm of the seat, stretching your legs above his knees, the closeness in proximity feels so personal, and you want to live the rest of your life in this quiet and intimate hour with joel. 

he hands you a cigarette, watching you put it between your lips, his available hand straying off to the side to grab the lighter that’s on the tray beside the loveseat. 

he flicks the lighter on and your faces become illuminated by the small flickering flame. he looks beautiful as he carefully lights the end of it, his eyes on the bud of it while your’s memorize each and every wrinkle that crinkles around his eyes. 

“inhale, careful now,” his words of concern blanket over you and pave a smooth passageway for the smoke to enter into your lungs, successfully preventing you from breaking out into another coughing fit. 

you inhale, and keep it before you fan it out the window. he smiles and pats your ankle that rests beside his lap. “there ya go,” he nods the crown of his head at you proudly. you bow humbly, handing him the cigarette. 

“feels nice. makes me feel warm,” you mumble tiredly, watching the way he takes a drag effortlessly. “don’t get too used to it now,” he chides, words shadowed amidst the mist of his smoke. 

“i won’t,” you reply with a knowing smile as he goes to hands it back to you. he pulls his hand that holds the cigarette back, eyeing you. he says your name in that tone and you wave him off, taking the cigarette from his fingers. “kidding,” you remedy his worries of your possible nicotine addiction in the nearby future, inhaling another drag.

you two go back and forth like this for awhile, until the cigarette becomes an unrecognizable little stub,

“feel sleepy yet?” he exhales through a fanning breath, and you nod, watching him flatten the bud into the ashtray beside his side of the armrest. 

“good,” he yawns, lazily running a hand across the side of his beard. “got a long day tomorrow — or today technically, an’ so do you little miss, try an’ get some rest.” he drawls softly, sleepily, and you nod your tired head at his words, free falling into them. 

“goodnight sweetpea,” he says with a gentle finality, leaning in to hold you by the back of your head, pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead. you crumble into his touch, shutting your eyes as if to fossilize yourself in the moment. 

“goodnight,” you whisper, feeling cold when he pulls away. you wish you had thought of something more to say, anything at all that would’ve kept him in your presence for just a little longer, but now you’re stuck sitting alone in the living room, watching his broad back ascend up the stairs, wishing you were trailing behind him, with your hand in his. 

you finish the rest of your water before you’re trudging back up the stairs, the weight of exhaustion lowering its heft onto your shoulders with each step upwards. 

and as you crawl back into bed with sarah, despite the attempts to push the thoughts away, all you can think about are the ways in which her father could tire you out until you fell asleep.

___ 

after that day, the miller household practically became your second home. more often than not showing up to their house rather than your own after school and work. 

at first you were worried that maybe you were beginning to overstay your welcome, that maybe they just didn’t know how to tell you to stop coming over so often. but they quickly put those insecurities to rest when sarah called you wondering why you hadn’t shown up after work, saying how joel set a plate for you at the table and it was getting cold. 

they were just as attached to you as you were to them. 

they really loved having you over, loved getting to make up for all those years you all went without each other, taking the time to relearn everything there is to know about the other. 

for instance, joel learned you have an affinity for tight tank tops that ride a little too low on your chest and rise a little too high whenever you bend down. 

his fingers have a tendency to straighten out your spaghetti straps, and he always murmurs something along the lines of, showin a lotta skin today huh hun? 

you’d grow warm under his touch, hiding behind a pretty grin and an excuse of oh, heat’s just gettin’ to me lately, or his personal favorite,  damn dryer shrunk my clothes again. 

he doesn’t mind whatever your excuse is, he’d just hand you his flannel, telling you to at least wrap it around your waist whenever guys were around, because i know how men think, he’d explain and you wouldn’t argue, you’d happily accept his flannel and listen to his heeding. 

you wonder if he was having the same thoughts he was trying to prevent other men from having about you. 

you like to tell yourself he was. 

but there is one thing you don’t have to convince yourself of. joel really, truly, and utterly cares for you. 

joel is nothing if not protective, he just wants to look out for you, make sure you’re safe, that you’re okay, and so when you called him at work, voice trembling and meekly asking if he can pick you up, naturally, he abandoned his meeting at work to race over to you. 

creating blueprints for a new apartment building suddenly became unimportant the second he heard your voice crack over the phone.  

he could hear the way your breath paused for a moment, only to come out shakily through tears when he asked if you were alright. your audible sadness casted immediate worry and concern over him, instilling itself in his chest. 

he sees you now, rushing to walk out of the store, locking it on your way out, and he hops out of his truck, wanting to be the first thing you’re greeted by as soon as you raise your head. 

relief rinses through you the moment you see joel standing in front of his truck, your eyes betraying the attempt at strength you were fighting so hard to have the second he pulls you into his arms. 

his hands feel warm and heavy behind your back, rubbing all the quiet sobs out from you with each gentle circular movement. 

“oh babygirl,” he murmurs under his breath, feeling his heart break with each little gasp you make through your tears. “what happened?” he asks, unintentionally causing the tears to fall harder, making you fist at his button up. 

“today has been so bad,” you finally say, your head resting on his strong chest, shaking fingers tracing over the seams of his button up in an attempt at self soothing. 

“wanna get inside an’ talk about it?” he asks just above a whisper, keeping his voice soft for you. you nod, twisting the knife in his chest when you sniffle. 

he helps you into his truck, shutting the door behind you, meeting back with you soon once he’s in the driver’s seat. 

“now what happened honey?” he asks, and you take in a deep breath through the tears, waving your hands at your eyes to try and stop the stinging sensation at your waterline. 

“today has just been one bad thing after the other,” you wipe away the stray tears with annoyed fists, wishing they would cease their incessant presence. “first, i got into a fight with my dad, he called me selfish and inconsiderate for not canceling class to come down to the shop earlier and that there’s no point in attending class because i’m just gonna get overwhelmed and quit anyway,” you barely manage to say tearfully, further etching a frown into joel’s features, his chest aching at the way you’re visibly hurting. 

he says your name tenderly, matching the way his hand reaches out for you to hold. you squeeze his hand, holding onto it when it rises upwards to cup your cheek, his thumb wiping a stray tear across your cheekbone. 

you lean into his palm, shutting your eyes at his touch. “and i’m scared he’s right, today in class i was so stressed all i wanted to do was walk out,” you whimper ashamedly, and joel shushes you, bringing his free hand to fully hold your face, turning your gaze back up to meet his. his hold on you is delicate, like you’re a dandelion amidst a strong breeze, and all he wants to do is keep you with him, safe and sound. 

your cheeks are cradled by his hands, his calluses turning into a thing of comfort against your cheeks, along with his thumbs that swipe away the tears that refuse to concede from your lash line. 

he holds you like this for a while, wordlessly guiding your breathing with his, evening out your sporadic hiccups induced by your crying, settling your nerves down to a more manageable level. 

your eyes flutter shut at the safety he drapes over you, your smaller hands holding onto his wrists, mindlessly running your thumb along his knuckles. “wish you were with me at work today,” you mumble, imagining the way he would’ve protected you from the creepy customers you had to deal with. 

“what else happened?” he lightly coaxes it out of you, wanting you to get everything out so you don’t have to carry the burden of the day’s stress on your shoulders. 

“these guys came in, and they were just so weird,” your hands tighten around his wrists, recounting the uncomfortable interaction you were subjected to. 

“kept…kept making weird jokes about everything…i said if they needed anything to let me know and i heard one of them tell their friend i better be careful saying things like that, and they like—ugh,” you take a moment to catch your breath, refocusing on the way joel’s gently running his fingers across your temples, something he’d do for you in the middle of the night whenever you’d get a headache. 

“they kept making jokes about me taking off my clothes because it’s summer and it’s hot or whatever i dunno it was stupid but they kept ‘suggesting’ i should lose the tank top because walking around in a bra is the same as wearing s bikini at the beach,” you grimace at the fresh memory, and joel wants to take it away from you, wants to wash you clean of all the pain you felt today. 

when you look up at joel his jaw is clenched, lower jaw jutting out in anger, his hands falling from your face down to your hands, holding them in his, while he shakes his head. “fuckin’ disgusting,” he mutters to himself. “probably good i wan’t there, woulda fuckin’ killed them,” he utters under his breath, and more so to himself, his hands migrating down to your hands, squeezing them hard. his eyes that hold an image of what he’d do to the men who harassed you dissipate as soon as they shift back up to you. “i’m sorry hun,” he sighs, cupping your cheek, cradling you into his palm, speaking gentler this time, “an’ as for your dad well…he’s an asshole. but i know you already know that,” he pauses to smile at your little giggle. 

“he couldn’t be more wrong about you. you are so smart hun, an’ you can and will accomplish everything you set your mind to.” the soft gravel of his voice tides around you like an embrace, enveloping you in it as an attempt to wash you clean of your distress. 

your eyes well and your heart soars up high inside your chest at his kindness. 

“thank you mr. miller, you are so nice to me, it—it means so much coming from you, and i can’t even begin to explain how grateful i am that you even came here at all,” he left work for you. you groan with guilt at the remembrance. “and—god i’m so sorry that i just like, randomly called you at work i’m so sorry you were probably super busy, i just didn’t know who else to go to,” you ramble with guilt, but joel’s already shaking his head as you rattle off with apologies, his hands coming back up to your cheeks, stilling the words on your tongue. 

“hey hey hey,” he shushes you softly. “no apologies, okay?” his thumb runs under your lash line, clearing away your tears. “i’m glad you called me, rather you call me than have to hear what happened from someone else.” he pacifies your guilt for calling him, and he does it successfully, watching the upset furrow between your brows disappear. 

your lip trembles and you suck it in between your teeth, closing your eyes and leaning forward into his chest. he takes you in with no hesitation, his arms forever acting as a sanctity for you to hide in whenever you need. 

he hesitantly pulls away from you for a moment, mumbling a soft, give me a sec sweetie. he shifts around to the pull at the bottom of the driver seat, extending it backwards and giving him more space between him and the steering wheel. 

“cmere,” he says above a whisper, opening his arms for you once more. you’re being guided into his lap, gently wrangled in until you’re wrapped up in the thick protection of his strong biceps. he rubs your back, head resting safely on top of your’s, keeping you down to earth, keeping you in his arms. 

he takes in all your tears, takes in every racking sob from your chest into his, his lips every so often pressing their silent reminders of his presence into your temple. he rocks you back and forth, his soft shushes folding over the sound of your fading cries, lulling you into a calmness you didn’t know you could feel. 

“you’re okay, you’re okay,” he promises, and you believe him. you finally raise your head from his chest, the scent of him still lingering around you, his presence feels pliable, the way he’s looking at you, eyes downturned and scanning all over your face lovingly feels like a sign you know isn’t real. he says nothing, just clears away your stray tears, and that’s when you act. 

you lean in, holding his wrist and intertwining your fingers as your lips do the same. you sigh into his mouth, ascending in his arms when you feel him kiss you back just as rushedly, almost like if he’s too slow you’ll vanish from him. 

but it’s him who vanishes first. he pulls apart from you with a gasp, shifting you further away from him in his lap, your heart immediately cracking straight down the middle. “what’re you…what are you doing?” his questioning comes out breathless, he feels like he’s asking himself rather than he is you, and he prays you say the right thing, he prays that you call him disgusting and that you climb right out of his lap, removing the temptation and opportune to lean back in. 

but you don’t. “i’m sorry,” you whimper, embarrassment flushing through your whole body, he shuts his eyes, exhaling slowly through his nose. “i’m too old for you, you know that right?,” his knuckles drag across your cheekbone, and you nod solemnly, swallowing hard. “i’m not a kid though, joel,” you say shakenly, nerves rattling your bones when you say his name for the first time, unhidden by the lieu of mr. miller. 

“compared to me, you are,” he sighs, his hands gripping his own thighs, weighing them down to prevent them from gravitating to your’s. “i’m too old for you,” he repeats to himself, closing his eyes and leaning into the headrest, the sight and feeling of you looking up at him in his lap is too much for him to combat. “i’d be takin advantage of you,” he mutters, shaking his head, guilt starting to settle into the base of his chest. 

you’re quiet for awhile, and he takes it as his answer. that he’s right, this is wrong. 

but you contradict his thoughts. reaching up to pull his gaze back onto you. “you’re not taking advantage of me, i know that i want this.” you promise hushedly, and he wants to believe you. your eyes connect once more, a quiet tug of air being shared between the two of you, and you’re willing to let him have it, to let him have all the air you can offer and more. he leans in and you stay still, watching when he inches backward when he gets too close, like you’re a flame whose flicker burns too bright the closer he gets. and when you inch in, you can’t get yourself to break the seal and press yourself into him, a weight of nerves keeping you stagnant before him. 

his stare rises and falls down from your eyes to your lips, and you feel it in your bones that your body needs to have him more than it needs anything else. your gaze rests on him while your body acts for you, your hand finding his and holding it, squeezing it. “please,” you whisper, your words leaving you before you can process them. he swallows down everything holding him back, lurching forward to take your lips into his. his hand slides from yours, and up your arm, squeezing it as a test to see if you’re real. his hand moves from your cheek to the back of your head, kissing you hard and keeping you still, greedily wanting to keep you all for himself, wanting to memorize the taste of cherry coke on your tongue and raspberry lip balm on your lips.

it smears across his own lips, your taste immersing with his own, his mustache and beard tickling your skin just like you imagined it would, and you moan in his mouth at the feeling, flicking your tongue desperately over his, mindlessly bucking your hips against his. he groans deeply into you, grasping your hips and rocking himself into you, not a single thought in his head, just a carnal need to feel your cunt satiate the ache traveling down his cock. 

you pull apart for a breath, lips still pushed together, foreheads melded in close, hips crashing into each other with need. “feels so good,” you whimper into his mouth, the pleasure from the friction making you blatantly honest. 

he nods in agreement, never having heard truer words. his fingers indent the shape of themselves into your flesh, his hips acting on their own, desperate to push up into you while his mouth catches yours once more. 

he groans, his cock twitching when he feels you slip your tongue into his mouth, a little moan of your own floating out when you taste a hint of root beer from his kiss. 

your movements grow rushed, hands finding the heft of his flannel and fisting it to steady the heavy rocking of your hips crashing and tiding over his cock. 

desperation flows in your veins where your blood once was, replacing all sense of anything except for the physical need to rut your cunt against his bulge. he can’t keep up, all he can do is let his head fall in your shoulder, his big hands coming around to find purchase on your welcoming hips. his thighs clench underneath yours, tensing when he feels you dampen him through his pants. 

“baby,” he finally lets out shakily, thumbs running circles over your hips. “can’t—shit,” a beat passes with an involuntary grunt falling from his lips. “cant, can’t do this here,” he breathes, eyes hanging low upon you, his hips betraying his words with each thrust that meets your pelvis. 

you slow your movements, catching your breath quietly, nodding in a silent agreement. “i don’t wanna stop,” you admit truthfully, no longer feeling bashful about the fact.  

his cock aches at your honesty and he exhales through his nose, his hands tightening around you. “don’t have to,” he swallows, eyes drifting down to your hardened nipples. “just not here.” 

his answer satiates you, which almost leaves him regretful when you climb off his lap and leave him cold and void of your warm cunt pressed up against him. 

he starts the truck and all you can do is stare at the concentrated look on his face and his hands gripping the steering wheel. 

you wonder if he’ll hold you by your throat the same way. your thighs squeeze together tightly, causing the hem of your jean shorts to rub against your clit just enough to soothe the ache inadvertently caused by joel. 

he notices, eyeing you up and down, lips parted just a breadth at the sight. his hand itches to alleviate some of the pressure you’re carrying deep inside you, but instead he alleviates some of his own first. his right hand falls from the steering wheel for a moment, just to squeeze his cock when he watches the way you squirm and stare up at him from his passenger seat. 

he turns away, knowing he’ll crash if he keeps staring at you, bringing his wandering hand back to the wheel. 

“can i touch you?” you ask, seemingly innocent and his eyes shut for a passing second, a curt  shake of his head joining the action. “not a good idea—“ he really wants you to though “gonna make me crash,” he exhales, though his hips say otherwise, inching towards your side with need. 

your hand trails from his thigh down to his crotch, palming over him gently, and he grips the steering wheel, jaw vibrating with low groans. 

a 10 minute drive has never felt so far until now. 

your fingers curl over his bulge, straining against the seatbelt trying to lean in as close as it’ll let you until you decide to rid yourself of it all together. 

“seatbelt,” he says warningly, and with concern, but you wash it away the second your lips meet the side of his neck, with your hand pawing over him to ensure his submission. and joel just about crumbles far too easily at the touches. 

you’re impatient, he definitely sees that now, and you’re making it way harder than it needs to be for him to maintain his self control. 

“i thought about this a lot,” you hum in his ear, leaving kisses in the wake of your warm words. his throat gets tight just like his lower belly, excitement strumming through him when he halts at a red light. 

he turns towards you now, his hand dipping between your thighs, a little upward curl of his lips teasing the side of your cheek, his scruff leaving kisses of their own on your skin. 

you stifle a whimper, holding onto his wrist when you grind down on his fingers. “thought about touching me like how i’m touchin’ you?” he murmurs, pressing chaste kisses to your jaw. you nod, your chest pounding at the wave of realization of what’s happening. it excites you. 

“thought about it too,” he pulls away from you when the light turns green, and you stay frozen, your body suddenly unsure of how to function with a lack of his touch and proximity. 

“didn’t wanna admit it to myself, but i thought about doin…a lot more than that whenever you’d come around,” he pays you a once over, his eyes lingering over the plushness of your thighs that fill his passenger seat. 

“your skirts and shorts kept gettin’ so damn short, i felt guilty for wondering if it was on purpose,” a smugness takes over his face when he glances at you. “an’ now i know it was.” 

you flutter at his confessions, a sense of pride swelling in you at the confirmation that your little tactics seemed to have paid off. “i just wanted your attention,” you say softly, words falling like pillows and he catches them with open arms. 

his glance shifts from his crotch, up to your eyes knowingly, and he smiles faintly. “i can tell you that you had it even before you started wearin all that,” he rests his hand on your thigh, guiding the wheel with his left hand now. “but i can’t say i minded the change in outfits.” he brings his fingers over your clit, putting pressure over it and you whine quietly, bucking your hips into his touch. 

“if you ever want me to stop you need to tell me okay?” he tells you, and he’s serious, his fingers pull away for emphasis and you nod profusely, holding onto his wrist desperately. “i promise, joel i don’t wanna stop,” you plead with him, and as a simple man that he is, he doesn’t seem to need much more convincing. the pads of his fingers run circles over your clothed clit, and you grind down into it, hungry for more. 

“i want you,” you pant and he chuckles, drumming his thumb against the steering wheel. 

“you’ve got me.” 

“but i want more.” 

— 

it’s quiet when you arrive back at his house, the driveway is thankfully void of sarah’s little yellow volkswagen and relief blankets across your shoulders knowing she isn’t home. 

he ushers you inside, his broad, strong chest pressed up against your back with his hands guiding you by your hips. 

he closes the door with his back, leaning against it, watching you turn around to face him. it’s quiet for a few ticking seconds, and he watches as you lean in closer towards him. he doesn’t stop you but he doesn’t lean in to meet you halfway either. he says your name like he’s unsure if he’s even allowed to utter it, purposefully avoiding eye contact. you hum a soft little “yes?” and he sighs, his eyes falling shut for a moment. 

“this ain’t right,” he reminds himself, and his hands begin to loosen on your hips. you clamp a hand over one of his, the other coming up to lure him back into you, a gentle palm of yours cupping his scruffy jaw, thumb running across the crows feet that gather at the corner of his eye. “says who?” you counter gingerly and he chuckles breathlessly, shaking his head in your hold, feeling all restraint trickle straight off him the second his eyes catch yours. 

you move your hand away from his when his grip grows tight again, letting your now free hand hold both sides of his face when you go up on your tippy toes to meet him for a kiss. 

he catches you off guard and pulls you deeper into him, your crotches pressed flush together when he slips his tongue into your mouth, hooking and reeling you in. 

you moan into his mouth and it eggs him on, sending his hand into a downward motion towards your ass. he feels smug when you whimper in his mouth, pushing harder against his cock when he squeezes your ass. 

he rubs over your ass posessively, squeezing it hard, almost in disbelief that he gets to have you like this. kiss “need you to tell me if and when you wanna stop,” kiss. you don’t reply, you just fall into him whenever he presses his lips back to yours. your lack of a response leaves him discontent and he pulls apart an inch, eyeing you down expectantly. you huff impatiently, hooking your arms around his neck. “promise. i will.” which is good enough for him as he melds into you once more. 

his hands roam all over you, caressing, holding, squeezing all the places that only his eyes have traveled. 

it feels good, it feels all encompassing, to feel the trails of fire his hands leave all across your skin, and you can’t get enough. “can we,” a kiss to your throat, “go to your room?” you ask, somewhat breathless and he pauses for a second, eyes tracing the outline of your bitten lips before he nods. he holds your hand, leading you into his bedroom. 

the second you’re inside you’re guiding him into his own bed after having shut the door. he gazes at you amusedly, handing you the reins for a moment, keeping his hands on the edge of them while you take charge. he thinks it’s cute. 

you sit him at the edge of his bed, straddling him while you push at his chest until his back meets the mattress. you’re leaning back down, holding his face in your hands, your lips hastily meeting his once more. he welcomes you, his hands holding you down on top of him by your hips. 

you grind down on him, panting in his mouth at how good it feels to have him pressed right against your cunt. but it’s not enough. you need more. 

your hands travel down his strong chest, fixing towards unbuttoning his flannel. he lets you, busying himself with unbuttoning your little denim shorts, but he wants to unwrap you slowly. he wants to make a show of it. 

he flips you on your back and you gasp, feeling hot under his stare and stature above you. his knees rest on either side of you, indenting the bed while he maintains eye contact. his fingers take their time unzipping your shorts, and you whine quietly, bucking your hips towards him. 

he pushes you back down and shushes you. “patience.” he murmurs, rubbing his thumbs over your upper thighs. he doesn’t rush taking your shorts off, wanting to savor the feeling of getting to do this for as long as he can. the vision of you in his bed, wet, and impatient, laying before him in your little pink panties is about to make him burst. 

he’s still fully clothed above you and it casts a warm feeling throughout your bare body. you bring your knees close to your tummy, shutting your legs at your sudden shyness. he moves in closer, shaking his head with his palms on your knees. 

he pushes them back down, slipping a hand between your thighs. you gasp, arching your back into him and exhaling with relief when his fingers trace over your clothed clit. “i wanna see you honey,” he careens you gently, coaxing your shyness away. your legs part for him, and he takes full advantage, running the pads of his fingers up and down slowly, feeling the slickness start to bleed through your panties. 

he pushes them to the side, swirling over your clit and feeling proud when you moan into his shoulder. he dips into your little soaked hole, exhaling into your neck at how wet you are. “barely e’n touched you and you’ve already made a mess,” he tsks you lovingly, hints of teasing in his words, and it only excites you more. your stomach and chest get tight at his touches and the way he talks to you, it’s so unreal, and you could honestly cry in this moment from how bad you want to fuck him. 

“i always get like this for you—oh,” you cry out into his shoulder when he pushes his thick middle finger inside you, his digit so long that it easily hits the little spongy spot inside you that you usually struggle to reach. 

“aw sweetpea,” he coos, kissing your forehead while his finger curls inside you. “got you walkin’ around all hot and bothered with no release, i’m sorry,” he kisses your temple, his gentleness contradicting the way he’s fucking you with his finger, grunting under his breath at how tight the fit is when he works in his ring finger. 

you choke on a gasp at the stretch, starting to wonder if his cock will fit if his fingers are already making you feel like this. 

“you gonna make it up to me?” you whimper, still maintaining an air of playfulness in your response. he chuckles, pulling apart ever so slightly to look at you, to watch the way you struggle to stare up at him with his fingers in your cunt. 

“i’ll make it up to you, and then some,” he says, his voice falling low on a raspy curve. you believe him, his response feeling like a promise he intends to keep. 

he’s on you again and you invite it wholly, legs coming around on either side of him go trap him into you. his fingers fuck into that sweet little spot inside you, every single flick of his wrist has your lower back bucking up into his touch. 

his palm hits your clit with every movement, it’s almost cruel, giving you just an inch when you need a mile. you’re running your hands all over him, kissing him messily even when there’s a mix of your saliva dribbling on your chin and air is depleting from your lungs. none of it matters, all that does is consuming as much of joel as humanly possible. 

your fingers struggle to unbutton his flannel once more, shaking and trembling too much to do it as ladylike as you wish you could but he doesn’t mind, it makes his cock twitch knowing he’s the reason why you can’t stay still. 

“feels so good joel,” you whimper, fucking yourself onto his fingers when you finally undo all the pesky buttons on his flannel. he kisses your cheek, his beard tickling your skin while you slide your hands underneath his wife beater. 

“good honey, s’all i wanna do,” he curls his finger right there, drinking in your cries with his lips clamped over yours. your nails drag down his chest and he winces above you, your lips still brushing together. “sh-shit m’so so sorry joel,” you remedy the scratches with gentle caresses but he shakes his head, kissing your chin. “no no s’alright baby—kinda liked it,” he chuckles, thumbing over your clit, precum starting to leak through his boxers at the way you keen into him at the little action. you giggle at his response, raking your nails softly down his chest, fingers suddenly halting only to begin trembling when he picks up the pace inside you. 

“want more joel, i—fuck,” you’re panting, arching up into him, the saturation of the room is getting dimmer and glittery, it’s hard to keep your eyes open and the pounding in your chest and cunt is nearly blinding you. “need more of you, please? please god i’ll do anything,” your desperation is loud and clear and you couldn’t care less. he can feel it, can feel you gripping his fingers, squeezing him so good and he certainly hears how ready you are for him; he revels in the slick clicking sound eliciting from between your legs because of, again, him. 

he swipes the tears gathering at the corner of your eyes and he shushes you, kissing you wherever your tears appeared, rubbing that little spot inside of you soothingly. 

you hum in pleasure, hands traveling up to his shoulders. “don’t need to cry honey, i’ll give i’to you,” his promises fan out over your lips, slipping his fingers out of you. 

the loss of his fingers inside you feels cruel, you feel clingy, all you want is joel near you, around you, on you, and in you. 

the sound of his hands undoing his belt hangs in the air, quiet and low breaths of desperation flicker from out your lips while you watch him pull himself out of his jeans. his cock, fat and heavy, and twitching, falls with heft on your lower tummy, resting with impatience on your skin. 

you whimper, hand nervously wrapping around it, your fingers barely able to cover the thick circumference of it. “you’re huge,” you choke, unintentionally adding fuel into his ego and he chuckles, shaking his head when he kisses you. 

“you’re flatterin’ me,” he murmurs against your lips, wrapping a hand around himself, guiding his tip to circle around your clit. you gasp, curling upwards into him, your forehead resting on his broad shoulder. you kiss his bare skin, the comfort of his skin to yours soothes you while he slides his cock up and down your folds. 

“oh—ooh,” you suck in a big breath, hands flying to his forearms to hold onto when he starts to push in, his tip inching into you feels just as big as it looks. “shit,” you whimper at the burn that follows along with the stretch that he pushes into you and he pauses with concern. he hovers above you like a gracious adonis and it almost makes you forget the twinge of pain between your thighs. 

“you need me to stop?” he asks, his words of gentleness cradling you and you shake your head, running your palms down his chest. “no, please keep going, i can take it,” you nod as further emphasis, pushing your hips up, aching to feel more of him. 

he brings his lips to your’s again, sighing when he feels your little moan escape into his mouth. his cock rocks into you at a steady pace, unintentionally pushing you further up into his bed, and he holds onto you tighter, not wanting you to move an inch away from him. 

“haven’t felt like—shit,” he shudders something like a whimper against your lips, and you have to hold back a moan at the sound. “ha-haven’t felt like this in so long honey,” he swallows hard, caressing the side of your face. “haven’t thought about someone like this in years’,” he groans, pushing his cock in deeper. 

your clit pulses at the way he speaks to you, the way he fucks you. “had to fuckin’ jerk off like i was a teenager again after you’d leave—y’have no idea what the hell you’ve been doin’ to me honey,” he messily kisses you between each word, his thrusts growing heavy and rough inside you, the fat head of his cock prodding perfectly into the spongy little spot inside of you. 

“should’ve told me sooner joel,” you whine, bucking your hips to feel more of his cock. “touched myself every night thinking of you,” you whimper out, eyes falling shut when you feel his lower half brush against your clit. he pushed in especially deep at your confession, and you gasp, holding onto him tighter. 

“joel—fuck, sl-slow down, it’s so much,” you cry, barely able to hold onto him while he starts to pound into you, like he’s lost the reins and his body is in control now, an energy and stamina he hasn’t had since he was in his 20’s was back in full force and it all went into fucking you stupid. 

“m’sorry honey—you just, ohfuck, feel so good an the things you’re sayin’ i just—fuck i can’t help it,” he breathes out, pressing a chaste kiss to your bitten lips. “just take it for me baby,” he groans, his hands squeezing your tits before traveling down to your hips. 

his head hangs low while he splits you open on his cock, struggling to keep his eyes from shutting, but he forces them open to watch the way his cock stretches you wide. “you’re so big,” you whine, teeth coming down to sink into the heft of his shoulder. he groans in your neck, sending you a particularly hard thrust. 

the scent of cigarettes wafts around you the more he buries his face in the crook of your neck, his lips nip at your skin and you whimper into his shoulder at the thought of you going home smelling like him. 

his calloused hands mold to the shape of your body no matter where they travel, forming perfectly around you to hold onto you as tight as he can. 

silence falls between you two, the only communication occurring is the shared grunts and groans that slip into each other’s open mouths. his forehead rests on yours, occasionally moving to your collarbone or ducking down to graze his teeth across your breasts, tongue darting out to wetten your nipples. 

the sound of your soaked cunt getting fucked is near obnoxious—it’s loud, and you pray that the windows in his bedroom are shut, because there’s no doubt that if they aren’t, his neighbors will hear everything. 

your legs shakily hang off his lower back, pushing him in deeper and deeper. 

his thrusts start to slow in pace, and each drag of his cock inside you feels hypnotic, feels amazing, and he groans the same sentiments in your ear, kissing the skin behind it. “m’sorry,” his hips pause to a halt and you panic for a second, wondering if you somehow did something wrong. “everything okay?” you ask softly, clearing the hair away from his eyes. he nods, avoiding eye contact embarrassedly. “my back—startin to cramp up on me,” he mutters, pulling out of you and you hold back a sound of disappointment from the lack of weight on top of you. 

he sits up, back facing away from you, head in his hands. “i’m sorry honey,” he apologizes, still not looking at you. you frown, shuffling on your knees towards him. you hold him from behind, kissing the side of his neck. 

“don’t be.” you murmur, moving around in front of him now. you push at his chest gently, clambering on top of him. his eyes widen, a grin slowly spreading across his lips while his hands rest on your thighs. “what’re you doin?” he asks under a raspy breath, his cock twitching underneath you with excitement. 

you hold his shaft, realigning him with your eager hole, leaning down to press a kiss before you speak. “i’m taking over.” is all you say as you sink down on his cock, wincing at the intrusion. 

his eyes roll back and his head falls into the pillow, his hands starting to grip your hips. “baby,” he moans to himself, his cheeks growing hot. you have to inch him in at a cautious pace but he doesn’t mind, your tight warmth is something he welcomed wholeheartedly. 

you start to grind your hips experimentally, hoping it feels good for him. you honestly have no idea what you’re doing. you’ve only had sex once but you don’t know if it even really counts. 

if a guy putting it in then pulling out because he came too fast counted then, sure you’ve had sex. 

however all of this; it’s different with joel, that was a boy, and now you’ve got a man’s cock buried in your pussy. and you want to make him feel like one, you don’t want him to feel ashamed about his age or anything like that. you’ll make him forget about everything. 

you shudder a breathy moan at the new position, resting your hands on his broad chest, admiring the beautiful man that rests under you. “tell me what makes you feel good joel,” you murmur, head falling towards him, making direct eye contact with him. he swallows hard, his cock aching at how fucking hot you are. 

“shit baby, just use me how you want, use my cock honey.” he groans, licking his fingers and bringing it to your clit. you whine, almost toppling over on top of him at the contact, but you hold yourself up, determined to make both yourself and joel feel good. 

you grab his hands, unclamping them from the grip that rested around your hips and instead dragging them up your sides and onto your breasts, silently telling him to squeeze as much as he pleases. 

and that he does. 

he squeezes them, bucking his hips upwards into yours as he watches the way your flesh fills the gaps between his fingers. you rise and fall onto his cock, bouncing on it with a rhythm that hits every sensitive spot inside of you. 

you look down to where you meet, sucking in your bottom lip at the sight of him disappearing inside of you each time you lower yourself onto him. you rock back and forth, whimpering at how deep he can reach in you. you watch the way he swirls his fingers over your clit, touching you better than you could ever do on your own time. 

“c’mere honey,” he groans for you, and you obey, bending down to rest on his chest. he stops you before you can fully lay on top of him, holding you just under your ribs. he pulls you into his mouth, sucking over the soft flesh of your chest, tongue licking messily and hungrily all over your breasts. you gasp, arching your back into his mouth. “j-joel,” you moan, struggling to maintain the rhythm you built. 

his teeth tease your nipples and you shiver, your nails digging into his shoulders at the sensation. you bounce on his cock, mind going numb and fuzzy while your senses take over, each thrust feeling like electric in your veins. 

after he’s done sucking bruises into your soft flesh, your hands reconnect once more, and you pin them down beside his head, hovering above him while you ride his cock. 

i love you, almost slips from your lips while you stare at each other, chests rising and falling heavily, mouths parted, tongues darting out to wet your lips with hunger. the words hang in the air without sound, you’re sure of it. 

you grind down onto him as far as you can take him, feeling him nudge your cervix, and you whimper at just how deep he can go inside of you. he takes your moment of weakness as an opportunity to flip you right back to where you all started; underneath him. 

you gape at him, unable to process his quick movements. you’re laying at the foot of the bed now, and he’s grabbing your calves, tugging you closer towards him. he pushes back in and wastes no time in pounding you like nothing happened. he grabs your leg, pushing it up further towards your chest, angling himself in even deeper, pure desire fueling him. “shit baby,” 

he mutters, his hair falling in his eyes as he kisses your jaw. 

he rubs your clit with his thick fingers and you cry out, starting to tremble uncontrollably beneath him. “think m’gonna cum joel, m’so so so close,” you whine, your eyes falling heavy with your impending orgasm. 

“let me have it honey, cmon,” he kisses his encouragement into your cheek, fucking you with determination to make you cum, hard. his fingers never relent on your clit, and you can’t stop the panting that leaves your lips, all you can do is writhe beneath him while he fucks you through your dizzying climax. you moan his name in breathy chants, spasming as your body tries it’s best to ride out the stimulation that joel bombards you with. 

his hips grow messy and sporadic, he’s catching your lips in a hot kiss, tongues clashing and saliva falling to the corners of your mouth. barely taking any time to break apart for air. “m’almost there—where can i…” he trails off breathlessly, unsure of how to ask in a way that a gentleman would ask but you don’t care, you don’t need him to sound like one, not when he’s fucking you as if he’s never heard the word before. 

“inside, y-you can do it inside, please,” you beg with need, curling your legs around his hips and pushing down on his lower back. he shudders, and has a millisecond to want to ask you if you’re sure, but he can’t stop pushing himself inside you, it feels too good, and he’s glad you’re trapping him between your legs, because he never wants to stop. 

“sh-shit, i’m cummin’ honey,” he shakily moans in your mouth, struggling to keep his kiss coherent but the way your spent cunt tightens around him makes him lose all sense. you whimper against his lips, feeling hyper sensitive to each and every touch, but the feeling of him cumming inside you is unlike anything you’ve ever felt. 

he slowly pulls out of you, peppering your face with kisses when you make a sound of discomfort. you two lie in a comfortable silence, trying to catch your breaths. you turn to look at each other, and he smiles at you, leaning over to cup your face in his palm. “you okay?” he murmurs softly, running his thumb across your cheekbone. you nod into his touch, holding the back of his hand with yours. “yeah,” you grin. “you?” 

he chuckles heartily, and nods as well. “yeah. i’m alright,” he sends a playful wink and you can’t believe that it still manages to make your tummy flutter with butterflies. you suppose he’ll always have that effect on you. 

you stare at him for a little longer, testing the waters to see if he’ll stop you as you lift up his arm and scoot closer to him. and when he doesn’t, you smile to yourself while he only pulls you in closer, tightening his arms around you. you can feel his heartbeat against your back, and you’ve never felt more soothed before. 

you trace the veins on his strong arm that cradles you into him, your head resting on his other bicep. you don’t want to disrupt the peacefulness that’s settled upon you both, but you have questions that just might do that. 

“joel?” you ask and he hums a response. “would you ever want to do this again? or not even this but just…like…hangout?” you unknowingly grip onto his arm with nervousness, and hope that he says yes. 

he takes in a breath and you shut your eyes at the impending rejection. “honey,” he starts, and your eyes glisten with tears already. “i don’t know if this is something we should’ve done to begin with—not that i regret it—lord,” he shakes his head, chuckling dryly to himself. “lord knows i don’t regret it. but i don’t know if this is something we could sustain. i want to though, sweetpea trust me that i do,” he tilts your chin towards him, feeling his heart break when he sees your watery eyes looking back at him. 

“oh honey,” he sighs sadly, shifting you around so you can look up at him properly. his arms encase you, his warm hand running up and down your back while he pressed gentle kisses to your forehead. “why?” is all you manage to ask and he shuts his eyes, resting his chin on top of your head. “your dad’ll shoot me down and hang my body in front’of the whole neighborhood if he knew. and sarah? i don’t think she’d take kindly to me datin’ her best friend.” you hate that he makes perfect sense and you hate that you sound childish, that you didn’t even take either of those things into consideration. 

“we don’t have to tell them—at least not now? and we don’t have to be anything serious, i just…i like being around you.” you softly murmur, feeling pathetic as tears line your lashes once again. he thumbs across them, ridding your eyes of their wetness. “i like being around you too,” he returns your sentiments, leaning down to peck you. it feels gentle, domestic, and you can’t imagine going without more of them. 

“i’ll still pick you up after you have class, i still want you to come over for dinner like you usually do, nothin’ has to change and,” he closes his eyes for a beat. “—despite everything i said, i…i don’ know if i could handle not havin’ you around honey, feels like somethin’s missin’ when you’re not around.” he admits, and to himself as well, for the first time. 

you bloom with happiness at his words, surging forward to kiss him. he holds you by the back of your neck, tracing circles into your jaw. you hold his face in your hands, pressing kisses along his cheeks, feeling warm all over and when he laughs. it’s filled with a comforting airiness. 

he holds your wrist, turning to kiss your palm. he plucks your index finger, bringing it to his lips to kiss gently. “got me wrapped around this little thing,” he says just above a whisper, and your heart aches, overflowing with adoration. 

the door suddenly opens downstairs and you both share a look of horror. 

“dad? i’m home!”

[doberbutts]

Gathering entertainment before top surgery and like. Okay.

So my mother has insisted on being my caretaker which is fine I *guess* because she is *trying* to make an effort to chill out with the transphobia (after 18 years but whatever I guess) BUT my mom is historically A: a prude, B: fussy about curse words, and C: an extreme pacifist. Like. Got mad at me and grounded me the first time I chose a jrpg over harvest moon because I said that I was bored of a conflict-free world all the time and wanted more action, extreme pacifist.

I'm gunna try to finish Elden Ring before my surgery bc I think it's going to raise my blood pressure way too high during my recovery period (I'm currently stuck in Caelid 70 hours in). I'm almost done with Cult of the Lamb which I know for a fact I need to finish before my mom has a chance to be mad that I'm playing it. No co-op games because my friends all swear freely esp when running away from ghosts and/or monsters.

So my list as it stands is:

Horizon Forbidden West

Forspoken

FFXVI

FFVII Rebirth

Baldur's Gate 3*

And games I'm partially through but could probably pick back up are:

NEO: The World Ends With You

Y's 8

Y's 9

The last like 3 chapters of Fire Emblem Engage (I'm having trouble being motivated to finish it bc the ending is turning out to be dumb- it was okay/mid while it lasted and had some genuine fun moments but this ending is hmm)

Various Of Mana games I nabbed for nostalgia and then forgot to do anything with

Tales of Berseria**

*There is no possible way I can play BG3 with my mother present because I'm going to romance my sadboy hot vampire elf and he says fuck many times and I don't feel like having her judge me about it and listening to the lecture while I can't escape her for 2-3 weeks. Not to mention the sexual content in that game.

**The aforementioned jrpg I bought when I got bored with Harvest Moon was a Tales game and there's always a chance she's going to remember that and once again be mad at me about it 🙄

And like. I don't need any more suggestions or anything I'm just like. God damn why is my to-do gaming list literally all things that my mother is going to be mad about me playing while she's in my house.

[qiutls]

TNGDH 009

Life is a series of burglaries.

At first, my life was stolen and I somehow survived, but then my human rights were stolen, then my wheel was also stolen. Now, even the shirt which I had hidden so well, has also been stolen. I don't have anything now to be robbed off of!

Is there a thief in my life. If there is, please go away.

It was clearly well hidden, I checked the way to it multiple times, even when I was in Sen's hand, I checked it again in order not to lose the way to it next time. I trusted the system's words, and hoped it could save the shirt, because it's a location I could use "Summon" in.

[ (・・= ・・) ]

Yeah, I know, it's not your fault. It's not like you tricked me into becoming a hamster, because you wanted me to take off the shirt.

The ones who found my clothes were none other than the magicians. As they searched for me at Kyle's request, they followed the flow of mana, and said they had found the clothes I had hidden in a place where traces of magic remained, albeit slightly.

I think the skill given by the system seems to be some kind of magic in this world, and the residue of it remained on the clothes I was wearing as the "Summon" was lifted.

Of course, those who would never dream of the existence of the system, seemed to believe that a deranged clothes thief entered the master's bedroom, but in actuality…

"I wish you could speak."

Kyle looked at me with a friendly look and soon sighed deeply. He continued to say.

"That's right. There's no way that you, who is as calm and kind as an angel, would've went out without a reason. Why did he try to steal you? Or was it a crazy thief, who took everything that he wanted, and you were just smart enough to find the shirt on your way back."

― Eek. [ What in the world are you saying? ]

I do know how to talk, you punk. And besides, I'm that crazy thief you're talking about.

Anyways, why is it even when you're cursing out a thief, you're still able to dish out silly praises like this. Can a hamster really be that smart?

"As expected, the thieves I first met were…"

No! No, calm down. Sit down. Are you going to beat them up? All they'll do is scream out of pain, they know nothing.

Anyways, my life hasn't improved one bit. Today, if I use the "Summon" skill, I'll still be naked. Thinking about it, the taste of rice, no, the taste of almonds is decreasing…

I smashed the walnut as hard as I could. Tuk. The walnut rolled down the slide and got stuck between the sawdust.

"Cashew Nut?"

Kyle who was about to run to the prison and hang the three thieves who had stormed into the study yesterday, quickly turned back to approach me.

He put me on his palm and began to stroke my forehead.

"Do they taste bad? Or do you not like walnuts? Should I change it to macadamias?"

Kyle rummaged through his drawer with his other hand, took out a macadamia and gave it to me.

I took a few bites out of courtesy, then he smiled brightly as if he had found a gold mine. But when I whose appetite disappeared again, stopped eating and pushed the macadamia away, he looked at me desperately with an expression of carrying all the burdens in the world.

"What's wrong with you? Why don't you have an appetite?"

Hey, who would be able to eat in this situation? I said I wanted to become human, I never said I wanted to walk around naked. I'm not Adam.

"What can I do to make you happy? If I knew how, I would spare nothing for it."

Ugh. That dedication. Such a gentle voice and eyes dripping with honey. If I weren't a mouse with a size smaller than a palm right now, I would be 100 times more romantic than you are now.

But actually, this fate is not as bad as I thought it would be.

I quite like how Duke Blake, who was said to be as cold as an ice field, petted me with a melting hand, and called my name in a warm voice. It's been a while since I received so much love for no reason.

Unlike me who was easygoing, Kyle seemed to be more worried than I thought.

"I don't want to lose you…"

He said with a deep sigh, I glanced at the book on his desk while winding myself around his palm.

< A magical beast's mana stone >

'When did you even get that.'

It seemed it took a great toll on him when the magicians said they couldn't feel any mana from me.

[ Magical beasts usually grow a heart during the growth process, and this heart is called a mana stone. Mana stones that finished forming are called 'nucleus.' When these stones are not able to form properly, the magical beasts are unable to live a long life. In severe cases, they die during the growth stage. ]

'Death… Was it that important?'

[ X_X ]

'Was there originally something like this?'

Of course, I'm just an ordinary hamster… Actually, I'm normal in a sense that I don't have a mana stone, I'm still a little unusual by the fact that I can turn into a human. But for Kyle, it was natural for him to think that my situation is a lot more serious than it looks like.

"Don't worry. It says that if you periodically inject magical power until the end of growth period, not only will it be able to live a bit longer, it will also become less feral."

Come on. Don't inject anything. I won't become feral, and I won't die. What if you inject something in me and side effects come out?

"I will do my best to take care of you. It is already too late to send you back to the wild…"

What are you talking about! If you throw me back to the fields, I'll spend 23 hours and 30 minutes in the body the size of a mouse poop and I'll become a snack for other demons for the next 30 minutes.

"What a strange thing. I've conquered the North with thousands of beasts, yet I'm worried to death by a child of those beasts."

I know, thanks to you, I can't get used to it either. Who takes care of a hamster like this.

But seeing that I don't hate him that much, it means that I seem to have some affection for him.

All my life, I've lived and done everything alone and it made me sick and tired. How can I not like someone who appeared so suddenly and treated me kindly for no reason at all.

"I don't think you've drank water all night, and you don't even have an appetite… Hmm?"

Kyle tapped me on the nose, and looked as if he wanted to shower me with kisses but afraid of causing me more stress, he resisted the temptation.

That's right, don't kiss me more than 10 times a day okay? 10 times is too much.

By the way, it's a misunderstanding that I'm not thirsty. I just chose not to drink from the water bowl because, I ran around so much yesterday and as soon as I came back to the house, I washed my feet in it. The truth is, I'm actually quite thirsty.

But I can't drink the water which I used to wash my feet in! It feels like licking the floor.

Forced to remain silent, I couldn't do anything but look up at him. Seeing me staring, he contemplated for a moment, then called the knight to bring up Sen.

"Starting from today, I want to feed it other snacks aside from nuts, do you know what food other rodents eat?"

A new diet? Sounds good. I'm looking forward to Serena's excellent answer. Serena, please be nice to me.

Can you say beef? Ah, or is that too much? Then how about, pork? Duck meat? Even chicken is fine? What else is there huh? Sheep, lamb? Maybe shrimp or fish… Whatever it is, I like it. Give me lots of delicious food!

It's about time that we change my diet. I was just thinking how I'm still as small as I am because of malnutrition.

So, protein.

Give me protein, okay?

*

"I think mealworm would do, Your Highness."

… Wait no! That's not true!

"Or crickets? If you want to train it, it would be better to feed it a barely alive cricket so it can try to hunt. That's the best meal for hamsters, so wouldn't it be the same for Cashew Nut?"

"All right."

Don't listen to it so seriously, you crazy man!

Sen fixed her glasses with a serious face and gave Kyle a menu or something. He listened to the report with an impressive face as if he had seen the discovery of the century.

What are you two doing…

"Nuts alone are not enough. You should also think about giving it fruits, and since its currently at growth period, it's best to give it protein."

"That makes sense. I'll entrust this matter to you with full authority, so prepare everything with the highest quality, okay?"

No, it's not okay!

You crazy people, what do you mean crickets. No! I hate it! I won't even touch it with my mouth. If you feed it to me, I'll scream and faint.

"We are officially starting the festival this evening, so I might be a little busy… I'll be going now, so I can come back early in the evening."

Kyle held out a pocket full of money without hesitation.

"You don't have to be thrifty, buy everything and what's left is yours."

Sen answered one more time.

"I understand, Your Highness, I'll buy everything to the point where it feels that the money might be insufficient. Although it's a bit hard to buy everything in the North, I think I may be able to get everything because of the festival!"

"All right, that's good. I'll ask the chef to prepare as well."

You two play really well huh. I'd rather go out and leave the room than see you two go at it.

[ Miracle value has risen! ]

[ Current miracle value: 7% ]

The miracle value suddenly increased, it seems that the relationship of the two in the original book which was stuck in abyss had suddenly improved.

That's right, I can only live if Kyle lives, and to make that happen, we need to prevent Serena from holding a knife towards Kyle, just like the original novel.

Whatever it is, continue to be on good terms, okay?

Just don't buy me a mealworm!

*

― Squeak! [ Put it away! ]

Do you have wheels on your feet? How could you buy hamster food so quickly! You said you'd only buy the best! Shouldn't that take you around a few days!

I jumped up and down at the sight of worms in the bowl.

"Look at this, Your Highness, does it not seem like he likes it a lot?"

Kyle's face brightened at Sen's words.

It's the opposite, you punks! Aren't you going to clean it up right now? Do you want to get hit with a mealworm? Don't look at me with anticipation, I'm not gonna eat this!

I ran away in hurry, and when I got stuck in the slide, I looked back and saw Kyle picking up crickets with tongs and placing them close to me.

Hey, you bastard! Don't put them close to me! Ack! They're alive! Please stop!

Do you want to die? Aren't you gonna put them away!

Please, help and save this hamster!

You punks, you'll see.

When I turn human, I'll make sure to get revenge.

novel ⠀✿⠀ next

[puriiinz]

ꕤ GARLIC BREAD? smau | ellie w.

05:00- gold dust

a/n: THIS IS SO LONG LMFAO it's 3:53 am rn and idk how i managed to write over 1k words but um... enjoy!!! :] also don’t mind the typos if there’s any…

contains: implied homophobia, cursing

"what even are you trying to do?" dina asked as she set her phone down, eyeing the girl in front of her curiously. her and jesse were at ellie's house, sitting on the comfy couch as ellie did whatever she was trying to do in the kitchen.

ellie simply said "garlic bread." and looked at the recipe, looking towards her couch when she heard jesse's laugh. "what?" she raised her brows in confusion, frowning when dina snorted.

"what the fuck are y'all laughing at?"

"when did you learn how to bake?" jesse asked when he calmed down while wiping his tears. the last time ellie tried to bake was for dina's sister's birthday. since ellie didn't know what she could get her she decided to bake some cupcakes, simple right? wrong. that was the first time ellie ever tried to bake. there were eggshells in the batter (which she didn't even realise) and god knows how she baked them because they where shaking like jello when she opened up the box. they had to eat them despite jesse's protests because dina's sister was just so nice, and she couldn't not eat them when ellie put so much effort into them just for her. they begged and nearly cried but had to eat them since they couln't do anything to convince dina's sister and damn ellie for making a dozen cupcakes for four people because when they finally finished the cupcakes, dina's sister brought more. it was when jesse almost puked all over dina's shirt dina's sister got convinced and put them away.

"are you guys still stuck on those cupcakes? i was like, i don't know, fucking sixteen when i did those? it's been years." ellie got back to her dough, putting it in a greased pan and leaving it to rise. she washed her hands and sat on the opposite of the couch jesse and dina were sitting.

"why are you making the bread from scratch anyway? you could've just bought it." dina said as she surfed through the tv channels and finally deciding on something. she leaned back and let jesse put his legs on her lap. "maybe she's doing it for yn." jesse said as he made his hands kiss, making disgusting noises as he did so.

"are you?" dina questioned while her attention was mostly on the show that was playing on the tv. she turned her head to look at ellie when silence washed over the room, laughing at the face ellie made, "oh my god, you ARE making it for her!" she exclaimed loudly, making ellie hiss.

"you don't have to let the whole state know about it you know?"

"of course i do! that's hilarious."

an hour and a half had passed. it was 1:30 pm and ellie had 30 minutes to get ready, freak out and drive to yn's house. the bread was ready and surprisingly smelled good. dina and jesse had left (against their own will) so ellie could make the bread in peace. ellie had just taken it out of the oven after spreading garlic butter and a little parmesan on the bread when her phone dinged. she took a deep breath and unlocked her phone just to see a notification from yn, making her smile slightly.

'hey el! hope you didn't bail on me :]'

'who'd bail on a pretty girl like you?'

she huffed and put the bread in a container and put that container in a bag, put her shoes on and finally got out of the house.

ellie was officially freaking out. her hands were sweaty and her legs shook slightly.

"come on, you've seen her a million times already." and with that ellie got out of her car and knocked on yn's door. she leaned her head against the door and heard a faint "i'm coming!". she sighed and smoothed out her clothes.

"hello m’lady ellie, pleased to make your acquaintance." yn bowed slighltly, laughed and stood up when ellie smacked her head. "no i'm serious, it's so nice to see you." caught off guard, ellie coughed and smiled, "likewise m'lady" and bowed.

"come in, i made tiramisu."

"how do you manage to make the things i love every time? do you like, look at someone's face and see what they like?" ellie questioned as she took off her shoes. she closed the door and trailed after yn and sat down at the kitchen table. yn laughed and sat across from her, "i wish but no, you just look like you like tiramisu and garlic bread."

"oh! i um... i made garlic bread for you. i didn't taste it and it's my first time making it so hopefully it's not awful..."

"hey, i'm supposed to be the baker, not you" that made ellie smile again, she took the container from the bag, opened the lid and put it on the table. yn took a piece and quickly ate it, groaning at the taste.

"wh- is it that bad?" ellie jumped to her feet, grabbed a glass and filled it with water. she heard yn laugh and put the glass back on the counter.

"are you crazy? this is so good! you might just replace me at the cafe."

"don't be ridiculous," ellie scoffed "why did you even stop working there anyway, did they just randomly stopped paying you?" yn laughed slightly and sighed, licking her lips she answered; "we had a fight- by we i mean me and jade, i'm good with julie i guess? although she hasn't messaged me since the fight."

that surprised ellie, why would they even fight? what would they fight about? "i thought you guys were close, what happened?"

"i thought so too but things happen i guess." yn got up and headed to the counter. "coffee?" ellie hummed, "sure."

ellie watched yn as she prepared the coffee and started to look around.

"we fought because i apparently like girls and i 'don't accept it because i like the attention'"

ellie was baffled and didn't know what to think. "huh?"

yn suddenly turned around, startling ellie in the proccess, and started talking.

"that's exactly how i reacted when i read jade's text! like why would i pretend not to like girls for attention? that doesn't even make sense! i told her and julie a million times, no i don't like girls and there's nothing wrong with liking girls but i don't, is it that hard to comprehend?"

"you don't like girls..?"

"no, i mean girls are pretty as hell that's for sure. but i don't see myself being in a relationship, like it doesn't feel like i'll ever be in one." yn said as she poured water into the cups.

"oh"

"yeah... i mean it feels wrong when i think about being with a girl but like i don't like girls so it's no big deal. like when i see pretty girls i want to kiss them and make coffee and desserts and stuff but it feels just... off you know? maybe somethings wrong with me." yn giggled and brought the cups to the table. ellie thanked her quietly. it was silent for a few seconds when ellie decided to speak up.

"have you ever thought about liking girls with no other thought behind it?" yn looked at ellie with a confused expression on her face, "what does that mean?"

"i mean, the way you explain these things... it feels like the things you say were said to you when you were younger? you know like you're almost being forced to say these."

"well my parents weren't… angels but their opinions don't define me. anyways enough talk about depressing stuff, you came here to spend time with me. cmon let's watch cringe shows."

"thank you for the bread, it was delicious."

"you don't need to keep thanking me yn."

it was 4:55 and ellie decided to go home. "couldn't you have stayed more?" yn asked as she leaned towards the doorstep, watching as ellie finished tying her shoes and smiling when ellie looked at her.

“it’s not like i’m going somewhere. we could always have a sleepover or something." yn smiled and stood straight. "i'll be sure to wear my cutest pajamas for you then." she answered, gave ellie her bag while winking.

"i'll be waiting," she took her bag from yn "well... see you soon?"

"see you ellie."

[skysometric]

my 2nd favorite game that i played in 2023 is...

In Stars and Time

i'm not much one for rpgs. i love their deep and complex stories! but i often find when playing them that the fights are either overwhelmingly complex, or too much of a grindy slog. it takes a very special kind of rpg to catch my attention, and In Stars and Time was one of them.

the core concept of the game is that you're stuck in a time loop at the final dungeon of a greater adventure. my first thought was that, surely, having to replay the same few sections of the dungeon, fight the same few enemies, would exacerbate my usual rpg exhaustion. paradoxically, this did not turn out to be the case; the time loop has checkpoints that allow you to rewind further back and then skip forward to where you were, using your number of defeated enemies as a resource. this alone was a godsend and allowed me to skip around as much as i needed to without any of the adventure getting stale.

the rpg system itself is dead simple. there's no mana or MP to keep track of; special attacks simply need to recharge over X amount of turns. the three elements are rock, paper, and scissors – that's not even an allegory, they are literally rock / paper / scissors. each character specializes in using certain types effectively, and if you can use the same type of attack 5 times in a row as a party, it activates a party super that both heals and deals tons of damage. it's an incredibly fun and deep system for how simple it is to keep track of, especially as your party members grow and learn new moves!

all of these smartly designed systems helped to ease my usual rpg hangups and get into the story… and Oh My God. The Story.

i will not spoil a goddamn thing. but i will tell you what i most loved: the characters, and the setting.

once in a while i'll see a writing-advice post going around tumblr that says to think of the little details when you're writing a larger story. what religions does your world have? what other countries are there, and how do they get along? how are the people in your world reacting to the major story beats? how does your main cast get along? how do they get on each others' nerves? what's the cringiest trait each one of them has? do they keep secrets? what are their memories of growing up? it's clear that the author took this direction to heart, creating a rich setting full of life and history!

and this is exactly where the timeloop concept SHINES. each loop you get to try something different, explore other options, to see how your party and the world around you react differently. if you check that bookcase you missed before, it has a whole conversation about life in one of the other countries. if you try the mean dialog option (perish the thought), you learn about a character's trauma in more detail. sometimes even the same actions have something new when you do them a second time… a third time… a fourth time. each loop enriches the characters and their history, deepens their humanity.

and then you begin to wonder. what else are you curious about… and how do you find the answers? how can you help your party members with their problems? what do the people outside of your party think of you? why DOES the main character hate croissants? it's a depth first dive into this wonderful world and its inhabitants; each new thread you dig up is rewarding in its own way.

long story short, i took a risk on this game, and i'm SO happy i did. if you play games for the story, In Stars and Time is your sleeper hit for 2023. jump on this!

[stormdragon23]

Baek Yoon-Ho Character Analysis

Might do part two of him later on as well. The next person I might analyze is either one of the other Korean S-Ranks (maybe Lim Tae-Gyu) or anyone else people want.

Baek Yoon-Ho's intelligence

Baek Yoon-Ho shows a lot of critical thinking when he's prevented from rushing into things. During the Red Gate incident, Yoon-Ho couldn't enter the gate and had to wait to see if the hunters would make it out. Because of this, he was shown to be able to estimate how many hunters would be needed for a gate depending on its rank. While this information could be common knowledge or from his own experience, he knew the specific amount and types of ranks needed for different gates. This shows that he knows what is required for gates and doesn't just haphazardly assign hunters to gates without being aware of what is needed to close a gate

Another time Yoon-Ho is shown to be able to plan ahead well is after he encounters Sung Jin-Woo. Yoon-Ho knew that Jin-Woo was not an E-Rank from his demeanor and by seeing his mana with his Beast Eyes, but he did not know why he was hiding it. However, based on this discrepancy, Yoon-Ho determined that Jin-Woo would likely go for a reevaluation of his rank and told one of the employees there to keep an eye out for Jin-Woo, so he could contact him again (Though he was caught off guard by how sudden it was. Yoon-Ho's not that great at dealing with unexpected situations as shown below in point 4)

He's likely as smart as Choi Jong-In (mostly because Jong-In probably wouldn't waste his time arguing with an actual idiot as it is shown that he usually dismisses people like that) but tends to react before he thinks whereas Jong-In has a stronger grasp on his emotions, which Jong-In tends to use to his advantage to make Yoon-Ho look stupid (I mean it works-)

Basically he's smart, but I call him stupid affectionally because of how he acts rather than his actual intelligence

2. Baek Yoon-Ho's perceptiveness

Yoon-Ho is shown to be perceptive throughout the manhwa. While his Beast Eyes are a part of it, he's able to draw accurate conclusions from what he sees rather than thinking of something unreasonable. Yoon-Ho noticed that his employee was covering for Jin-Woo while Hwang Dong-Soo was also looking for him. He knew there had to be a reason he was covering for Jin-Woo yet did not ask at that moment because of Hwang Dong-Soo. Despite not being able to keep his emotions hidden well (explored more below in point 4), he knows what should or shouldn't be said depending on the situation. This can lead to people underestimating how strong he is despite his appearance

He was also the first character to figure out that Jin-Woo could be stronger and wasn't limited like other hunters. It's not something Yoon-Ho mentions or directly asks him though as he likely knows Jin-Woo wants to hide it since Yoon-Ho understands that he wants to avoid attention from the media based on how he's seen of Jin-Woo so far

3. Baek Yoon-Ho's protectiveness

Before he became a hunter, Yoon-Ho was a firefighter. While there's not much about what he did as a firefighter (or maybe there is in the novels and I just don't know about it), as a hunter, Yoon-Ho is shown to be protective of those around him. It's fairly subtle, but it seems to be more evident when he's agitated

During the Red Gate incident when Hwang Dong-Soo arrived, Yoon-Ho was clearly unhappy with him being there but was able to tolerate him. But when Hwang Dong-Soo went after one of the employees, that's when he truly got angry and was willing to fight Hwang Dong-Soo if it meant he would leave them alone

Yoon-Ho was also shown to be openly worried about the guild members stuck in the Red Gate, including Yoon-Ho rushing to the gate right away despite knowing he wouldn't be able to do anything. Even though he couldn't do anything other than wait, he chose to wait directly outside the gate although he could have waited somewhere else

4. Baek Yoon-Ho's emotions

Yoon-Ho has a tendency to react based on his emotions first before assessing the situation and thinking about what he should do. While he is usually calm at first, as soon as something ticks him off, he's more than willing to fight, physically or verbally (Sir, you're in your thirties, aren't you too old for this-)

As such, whenever he's caught off guard, he reacts based on his emotions first before calming down enough to think about what he should do. It's typically shown on his face what he's feeling, which can make it easier to read him

It seems like the emotion he feels the most often and easily is anger given the number of times other people have made him mad (I mean, Jin-Woo managed to make him angry in the first minute of meeting him. Jong-In did it without even talking to him-). It's likely because of this that he's usually seen to be frowning throughout the manhwa. Typically, while it's shown on his face when he's angered, it's clear he makes an effort to not verbally lash out at the other person by the way he clenches his jaw

I thought Jong-In was the more emotional one between the two, but it looks like it's Yoon-Ho

5. Baek Yoon-Ho's relationship with otherS-Ranks

One thing I've wondered about was how Yoon-Ho handled Eun-Seok's death. It is shown in the anime that he fought alongside Eun-Seok and Min Byung-Gyu well, so I imagine that the three of them were close to each other. Personality-wise, he doesn't seem that different, but I do think it caused him to be distant from other people out of fear of losing them, especially considering how many people he's lost later on. Byung-Gyu seems to be the only person he's shown to meet up with separately, and that's because Yoon-Ho thought he might die during the Jeju Raid

However, he does seem to have a friendly relationship with Ma Dong-Wook, Sung Jin-Woo, and Cha Hae-In based on the few times they've talked with each other. His relationship with Lim Tae-Gyu is more complicated since they obviously know each other with Yoon-Ho being in his guild before he left, but there are virtually no interactions between just the two of them nor are there thoughts about how they feel about each other. While it is possible that they had a falling out after Yoon-Ho left, given the generally friendly personalities of both characters, that seems unlikely

We all know how he is with Jong-In. I don't need to get into that. Half of my blog is about how they are with each other. I can if people want though. It'll just have to be in a completely separate post since that's going to be real long-

How Yoon-Ho talks with people:

Is calm -> gets angered when people say something that irritates him but tries to stay calm -> fails to stay calm when it's Jong-In

That's all I have for Yoon-Ho for now. If you made it this far, have an angry kitty

Feel free to add your thoughts on Yoon-Ho. He deserves more