#with things that give me temporary boosts of pleasure and happiness

[michi-chelle]

cancelled plans suck ‘cause it’s like well what am i supposed to do now?

[hunnidmilly]

soap |r.r|

(a/n): ill be honest, i never intended to write anything on this blog. as a college student with a job, a bitch be tired asf. but, writing is my happiness. so is delusion ;). complete inspiration comes from @itjazzbicch and their “Cheiftess” series.

enjoy.

*credit to owner. @romanreigns*

Parings: Dom!Roman Reigns x Black!Female Interviewer

Warnings: enemies to lovers????maybe still enemies. Smut. Lots of Smut. Swearing. Don’t interact if you’re under 18. ion like prison.

*NOT EDITED. SPELLING ERRORS AND MISUSE OF PRESENT/PAST TENSE*

—

*takes place in 2021, feud between Roman Reigns vs Kevin Owens.*

It was Friday; Another boring ass Friday. The only difference was that he was here. And today, Jesus was he mad. But that’s just him nowadays anyway. Maybe it was due to the fact of Kevin Owens calling him out repeatedly. If there was one thing Roman Reigns refused to tolerate, it was disrespect. Disrespect to him meant disrespect to his family, his bloodline. Everyone in the arena already knew what he was capable of when he felt his heritage was disrespected. And best believe nobody wanted to engage with those consequences.

Over the last few months, since Roman’s return, he’s had a complete fucking identity change. He came back with a badass attitude, ready to take on anyone who was a threat to him and his family. His ego boost was on 100, with no sight of it coming back down to earth. But between you and your late-night thoughts? His persona, the “Tribal Chief,” had you imaging shit you didn’t even know could be possible. You knew that man could turn and twist you in ways that could be so pleasurable you could forget your name by only thinking about it.

As a backstage interviewer covering for Renee, while she enjoyed the beauty of her pregnancy with her husband, Jon, and you were temporary for now. Still, rumors swirled backstage on whether you’d stay. Stephanie and the other backstage crew mentioned more than once before how they loved how you can get into the superstars' minds during their interview. You gave a talk, unlike other interviewers—who were playing around the bush and being corny. You asked questions that could make them shiver or test their confidence. Or both.

You were on your way to your interview point, to interview Roman. Which you already knew was going to be dreadful. With how he treated Kayla during her interview, you knew he already had multiple insults ready for your questions. Little did he know you had something for his ass had he decided to pull it.

“You’re late.” He growls, readjusting his championship, Paul and Jey behind him

“I’m right on time. I said at 8:30, and it’s currently 8:30.” You smartly answer, taking your mic from one of the production members

“You’re supposed to be here when I’m here. I don’t give a damn about what time it is.” He snarls in your direction, “You have a once in a lifetime opportunity, don’t blow it.”

“I’ll assure you I won’t, Tribal Chief.” You give him a challenging smile

You clear your throat and smooth out the wrinkles in your skirt under his intense gaze at you before looking at the camera.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am currently here right now with our Smackdown WWE Champi—”

You were cut off as Roman placed his hand over the mic stopping the sound, “No, no, no, baby girl. If you want to introduce me, you’re going to do it right. Paul.” He calls for as he stepped aside for the short stubby man to speak

You roll your eyes as you lean your mic over to Paul—who held a grin on his face.

“Ladies and gentlemen, myself, and your lovely interviewer y/n are currently grateful to be in the presence of Head of the table, Smackdown WWE Champion, and ‘your’ Tribal Chief, Roman Reigns.” Paul giddily recites into the mic

“Okay, so Roman, last week you unleashed a brutal attack on Kevin Owens. You believe that you have to make him fear you, but are you starting to think his words are getting into your head?”

Roman lets out a chuckle before turning to Paul and Jey, “You see what I mean now? We give people like her chances in a million, and they blow it on stupid questions. Kevin Owens is irrelevant, just like you’re about to be. Find a better question. Next.”

You kiss your teeth before, letting out an aggravated sigh. With Roman’s new ego boost, you and practically everyone else in the arena wanted to sucker punch him in his face. And you planned to do so on your last day here.

“Do you feel as though, by using Jey as a pawn, you’re allowing yourself to get too comfortable? By using Jey as a backup, you make yourself an easy target to attack. Maybe other superstars think It’ll be easy to use him to make you riled up?” You question with a slight smirk

“Another dumb question. Ever since I took Jey under my wing, he’s been the main event three times in a row. I love my cousin. I’m a provider. I get riled up when I sense disrespect. Disrespect to me is disrespect to my family, my bloodline. Everything my family worked for will only be recognized with respect and decency, not in a silly conversation or this interview. If anybody would like to test that theory of me as a target, they can try; they won’t get too far.” He responds in a healthy, confident tone

“Jey, would you agree? Those people who disrespect your family will be dealt with? Perhaps in the same fashion, he’s dealt with you?”

Strikeout.

You knew that was the easiest way to get to Roman; Through Jey’s head. He also made his blood boil by mentioning the gruesome beating Roman gave to Jey in their matches.

Roman stated multiple times that the beatings Jey endured were well deserved in all aspects. He also hated when Jey answered any questions about it. He knew that by Jey telling his story of their bond, it would be dangerous to take it and misuse the information, making Roman vulnerable.

Roman gave Jey a side glare—silently telling him to choose his words carefully—before turning to Paul with an impatient expression.

“No...you know….” Jey stammers in nervousness, “It takes a lot to understand the pressure my cousin has on his back. He’s a provider to our family. He does what he has to do to take care of the people who matter most to him. People like Kevin Owens, Drew Mcintyre...they threatened that position he has at the table—”

“Do you agree? Roman feels threatened by Kevin Owens and WWE Universal Champion Drew Mcintyre?”

You could see Jey start to shift, meaning he was immensely trying to pick his words before saying anything that could cause Roman’s anger to be retaliated. Again.

“That’s enough for this interview. The Tribal Chief is needed elsewhere.” Paul inserts before moving his hand back and forth over his throat—signaling the production team to cut the cameras

You pop your lips before looking up at Roman’s frustrated brown filled eyes. You notice how his expression softens for almost a second the longer you look at him, “You have some strong confidence, I see. That attitude can get you in some trouble, babygirl.”

“My attitude is wonderful. I’m doing my job, just like you’re doing yours, Roman. The only thing is that I’m not a little bitch, with the urge to belittle everyone because I’m insecure about my potential and qualities.”

Roman gave you a sly smirk that almost makes you want to kick him in his face, “Insecure?” He chuckles devilishly, “That mouth of yours is dangerous. You should close it before I show you how to use it properly.”

He whispers the last part, leaning down to your ear, so Jey and Paul are out of shot, leaving your cheeks flush from embarrassment. Your shift on your feet, shaking your head in amazement.

You were sick of his shit.

You stuck your tongue in the side of your cheek and turned on your heel to walk over to the monitors. You continue watching the rest of the show, occasionally engaging with other superstars who walked by. Your mind continued to lose focus as you thought back to your interview with Roman.

You thought about his body language against you. He consistently sized up and was rigid towards everyone he talked to backstage as if with one wrong move, he’d be ready to bodyslam anybody. But around you, he wasn’t as tense. He was in his natural element; himself. You could see small smirks appearing on his face suggesting he was enjoying getting under your skin.

Roman ended up winning his match against Kevin through Jey handcuffing Kevin to the steel cage. You crack your neck and relax your shoulders. Roman could win a match without Jey or Paul by his side. Of course, that was just his character now. Still, something about seeing how much his dominance shows through his performance and his interactions with everyone else was secretly intriguing to you, how he ditched his vest and began to wrestle shirtless.

He should've been doing this shit when he got out of The Shield with Jon and Colby.

After Smackdown ended, everyone started to clean up. The long drive to the next city was crucial. You’d be driving all night long practically, inside of a small rental car. You could already feel the back cramps, the charlie horses, and the arm strains. You wanted to get your body at least some kind of relaxation before you began the midnight journey, so you head straight to the locker room showers for a hot shower to calm your nerves.

On the way towards the locker rooms, you heard yelling. You turn your head for your eyes to come in direct contact with Roman’s brown ones, completely tensed and filled with rage. You could feel the tension sweating off his muscular body throughout the atmosphere. He was yelling at Jey for interrupting his match when he had it under control. Jey being his current lapdog, he had no choice but to listen to the 6’3 ‘Tribal Chief’.

You swallow harshly under his intense gaze and continue your path to the showers with your luggage in your hand.

You were met with complete silence—thank god.—when you enter the showers. You lock the door behind you and turn the knob to a blazing hot setting. What? Hot showers are good, but blazing hot showers? Even better. Just the feel of your skin under the water steaming off you made your body instantly settle.

You quickly undress from head to toe, cracking your neck to the side. Before you could lift your feet to walk into the shower, you felt a large hand on your lower back shoving you inside, causing you to let out a screech.

The person roughly turns your body to face them, and you come face to face with none other than the Samoan. Nude as the day he was born, with his cock standing at attention against his muscled stomach.

“Ah!” You squeak under his large hand, covering your mouth, with the under holding the arch of your back close to his hard-built and sweaty frame.

“You’ve enjoyed this, haven't you. Were you running around all damn day provoking me? Getting in Jeys head, asking bullshit questions, smart ass remarks, and this tight fucking dress squeezing your body in all the right places? Do you enjoy playing games with me? Why would you play games with me? With your Chief?” He growled close to your face; the showers were now steaming around both your naked bodies.

“Do you enjoy being a little bitch boy? Fucking thinking everyone falls at your beck and call to please you?” His hand on your mouth was lowering as you struggled to get out of his hold on you.

“I don’t think, babygirl. Everyone falls because of who the hell I am! I am the Tribal Chief. I am your Tribal Chief. I am the face of this company, holding it on my back every day. You have no clue what that will ever feel like because you’re too busy running that pretty little smart-ass mouth of yours. Maybe it’s time for me to give you some discipline? For you to acknowledge me?” He pants in a cautious tone

You stop struggling for a moment, letting him pull you closer. You lean up closer to his lips, a mere centimeters away from your lips touching, “Like hell would I ever acknowledge you as anything other than a whiny fucking brat.” You sultrily respond

He lets out a humorless chuckle before responding, “It’s your punishment, babygirl.” With that simple response, he smacks his lips onto yours with force ending any further communication. You kiss him back with just as much roughness.

Your hand slides up to tangle themselves into his long dark black hair, pulling softly. You moan softly as Roman bit down on your lip, gaining entry to your mouth, both your tongues fighting for control.

The control you desperately desired to have.

He let you win for a moment to lower his hands under your ass to lift you around his waist. He takes a handful of your ass, pressing your body into the wall.

“Fuck!” You whine out as he takes a large hand to deliver a smack to your ass.

“You will acknowledge me. Do you understand me? You will fucking respect your Tribal Chiff, or I’m going to make you respect me. Am I clear?” He moans in your ear as your lips latch onto his neck, leaving love bites.

You were so caught up in the clouds of your head, with the thought of him fucking you that you didn’t even think twice about what he said, “Am. I. Clear?” He reiterates each word with a smack to your ass

“You’re such a jackass!” You mewl loudly, feeling him rub his long thick cock between your wet folds; lifting your legs to wrap around his muscular torso

“What was that?”

“I said you’re such a—Fuck, Roman!” You scream as the feeling of him stretching out your pussy to accommodate his cock overtook you to places you haven’t visited in a long time. You were anything but a virgin. But working at WWE had its downsides to finding good dick. Deciding to focus on your career, you decide to pause on sex for a while

Roman gave you a second to get used to the feeling of you being so painfully stretched out around his cock. “You wanna finish that sentence, babygirl?”

You could barely pay attention with his cock slamming in and out of you, already fucking at a furious and rough pace so quickly. Breathing in harshly as he pulls out to split you open on his cock again.

“Don’t stop! Roman, please don’t stop!” You moan, gripping onto his stiff shoulders

“Fuck! Look at you moaning my name like the slut you are. What happened to all that shit you were saying a moment ago?” Roman pants deeply in your ear

“I—Ah!” You squeal as Romans hands grip your thighs, bouncing you up and down his thick cock

“Shit, where am I, baby? Do you feel me in those guts? Deep inside that pretty little pussy? It’s my pussy now. The Tribal Chiefs pussy.” He deeply chuckles into your ear, his cock rubbing over your g-spot at every thrust, letting silent screams come out your mouth “All that bratty ass attitude...talking to me like you’re above me. Giving me nothing but fucking sass. The whole time you’re nothing but a slut for my cock, aren’t you? Letting me fuck you in the showers? You’re gonna give me this pussy anytime I fucking want it.”

You let out a loud salacious whine as Roman slowly pulls out. He sets you down on your feet, flipping your body around letting your hard nipples collide with the cold and wet glass wall. He uses his foot to spread your legs apart. Roman slides a hand into your hair, yanking while simultaneously sliding his cock back into you.

“Fuck! You’re so fuck–“ You swallow a silent gasp as you felt him bite down on your shoulder. “You’re so fucking aggravating!”

“I'm aggravating, but who's taking this dick right now? Who’s dripping more than a faucet?” His confidence booms into your ear in a grunt

“Good dick doesn’t stop you from being an asshole.”

“But it makes you satisfied, doesn’t it?” He responds breathlessly before speeding up, cutting off your next reply

You place both your hands on the glass attempting to throw your ass back on him.If he thought he was controlling the situation, you were definity about to show him otherwise, by making him cum first. As breathless pant’s begin to leave his mouth, you feel him lean forward pressing his front against your back. You work hard at the thought of not cumming. Roman’s left hand comes down to rub your clit at a fast pace making that thought…just a thought. You bite down on your lip until the blood drains from it to stop yourself from relishing in the euphoric bliss you knew Roman was about to grant you.

“I can feel you clenching around me. Look at you. Fighting the urge to cum right now. Come on, babygirl. I know you’re good for it, let go. Acknowledge me as your chief. Let me see how fucked out you turn for me.” His voice sends shocks through your spine that leads to your core.

You gasp as your leg turns inwards, you throw your head back mewling to the ceiling for mercy as you finally let your orgasm crest. Not too far behind you; Roman allows his orgasm to follow through deep into your pussy. Primal roar’s coming deep from his chest bounce off the walls.

If anyone else was showering, they're certainly gone now.

With Roman holding your body in a death grip tight to his chest, you allow yourself to take a moment to let the following events settle in your mind. Having sex with Roman wasn’t the problem; it was the what if’s that clouded your already fucked out brain. Sex didn’t change how you felt about him. He was still an entitled brat with no sympathy for anyone. And he was definitely the last person you’d fall in love with.

“I think you should get going. I’m sure your entourage is going to come looking for you soon.” You choke out, attempting to break from his hold.

“They’re fine wherever they're at. They don’t do anything unless I give them the ok for it.” He sighs into your neck leaving kisses behind

Before falling too deep into his trap, you muster up enough strength to remove his arms from your body, “Okay, stop it.”

“Oh c'mon. Are you seriously about to ruin an amazing time here?” He snaps leaning onto the shower wall

“Did you think fucking me was going to make us best friends forever?” You question turning off the shower

“I see it didn’t work too well. You’re still the same old Y/N. Don’t act like this wasn’t the best thing to disturb your night.” He says returning back into his asshole self

“Oh no, trust me. That was amazing. Maybe you can get permission from your Daddy again to come and play again.” You laugh grabbing your body towel to dry yourself off

“Oh we’ll have to see about that. The next time you’re in need of me to make you forget your own name, just call me. I’ll always come running, baby.”

You drop your towel as you bend over with hysteric laughs coming out your mouth, “Oh fucking please. Me? Beg you? I wouldn’t hold my breath on that.”

“We’ll see. You know where to find me.”

[empressofdiamonds]

THAT Depression Elimination Post

Most depression is worsened by environment. Like the friends around you, your shitty boyfriend, the godawful job you have, the crap diet you're eating, the 4 hour crappy quality sleep every night. It all contributes to your life. And it's damn time you take all those under your control and take control of your reality and reshape your mindset.

It's ridiculous how there are so many depressed people out there, and it's time to spank things up and change that.

You want to heal, you want to be happy. Which is understandable but you can't rely on keeping buying makeup for that temporary boost in mood or popping in the prozac pills and doing JACK SHIT besides those fleeting pleasures. All they give you are temporary solutions, if you don't attack the fundamental problem it will always persist. Clear and simple.

FIX YOUR GODDAMN SLEEP.

Go to bed at the SAME time everyday

Wake up EARLY AT THE SAME TIME.

If you lacked sleep on your previous night, GO TO BED EARLIER. No 'maybe' or 'I don't wanna go to bed so early!' WHO SAID THEY WANTED TO HEAL UP AND BE FUNCTIONAL? Do it immediately, for the NEXT night. People are gonna understand if you say you want to sleep earlier, trust me. Nothing more attractive than someone that takes care of her wellbeing.

No cellphone 1h before bed. No peeks, no last texts, nothing. You close your phone totally one hour before bed. That's it.

Your brain is a stupid simple organ, if you associate a place with anything than its intended purpose, the brain is going to associate that place with the unintended use. The more you do it, the more your brain is gonna make the alternative undesirable association. That's why you never "lounge" in bed, because you're destroying that association bed=sleep which makes you sleep quick and fast. Bed is only for sleep and that's it. If you wanna lounge, go to your living room or chill room. Never the bed.

If you can't sleep or have anxiety around bedtime, rise up from the bed, leave the covers open so it aerates, go read a book for 20 min then come back. A chiller room also is incredibly helpful for bedtime. If it doesn't helps, look into weighted blankets.

Wash your bedsheets every week. I do them every Sunday, that's my routine and I can start my week with fresh sheets that feel SO right. The more your life is routinous, the better it actually is for the mental because there's LESS DECISIONS to make, and the brain is LESS overwhelmed. Fresh sheets and well made bed are a great foundation for great quality sleep.

Don't dismiss the influence of good sleep and bad sleep on your mood. Bad sleep makes you rave more junk food that makes you feel like shit afterwards, bad sleep affects your patience and mood and you're more likely to be sad and have depressive behaviour.

DRESS THE FUCK UP AND GROOM YOURSELF.

Clothes ABSOLUTELY influence your mindset for the day. If you dress in sweatpants and ripped t-shirt you're gonna feel like shit for the day. I JUST KNOW IT, BECAUSE I FELT IT. If you're broke and have nothing clean and intact to wear, check out the thrift stores for basic clothes like black pullovers and so on. Minimal, easy to wear rand always looks chic and gonna make you feel chic.

Etablish a ROUTINE (Routines are KEY to good mental health) for the laundry. I wash my clothing every Saturday, but you can choose the day of the week that works best for you. Start some music to fold and tuck away your cute clothing, associate that with POSITIVE VIBES. Hard to enforce habits are made easier by bringing in positive vibes into the experience.

Clean clothes, clean body, good smells signals to others that you like yourself and that they can't push you down. It's your weapon.

What is your favourite scent? Your favourite color? Pick a shampoo, soap and conditioner that has those scents. Again here, if you have difficulty showering yourself and grooming yourself, it's all about positive vibe association. Your favourite scents are in your shampoo bottle so you're more likely to go wash yourself. Same thing with other grooming accessories. My favourite colors are pink and lavender so I pick grooming tools in those cute colors to make me more likely to do it.

Just a water shower is better than NO shower at all. If you don't have energy to go wash yourself, go stand under the water for 5-10 min and just enjoy yourself under the warm water. I swear the shower is like a glowup machine and makes one feel so much better. I've never seen someone become WORSE after a shower.

A bit of brushing is better than no brushing. If you hate having to brush yourself or that you have a difficult time doing that, pick a wet brush, they make detangling so easy and have TONS of cute designs to make yourself more excited about that time. Brushed hair is going to make you look and feel better.

If you can't wash all your body, focus on the armpits, underboobs and privates area. Washing them is the minimum and neglecting them is going to cause smells which are gonna make you feel worse about yourself. You don't want this. Wash those areas.

If you got body complexes, a way to partially fix this is WELL FITTED UNDERWEAR. Tight panties cut into the hips and give you a muffin top even if you're skinny as hell. Too tight bras or bralettes give a similar effect. More comfortable underwear is going to make your figure look fantastic. In a time like this no need to worry about looking sexy, you need to feel comfortable, so don't shy away from "grandma panties". (Flashing news: guys don't give a fuck about your underwear.)

Covid special: you can find cute special color throwaway masks that are gonna make you feel so sharp and nice. Pick those in your favourite color and every time you look at yourself in a mirror you'll like it 😘

BAD VIBES, FUCK OFF KINDLY.

If something makes you unhappy, wether it's a friend that drags you down, a irritating object, etc. Get RID of it. No pity, no maybes. Just good vibes around you thank you. If that thing is actually helpful to your life despite it bringing bad vibes, seek to CHANGE it so it fits better into your future life.

Konmari is a lifesaver for me I swear. It helps determine what really matters in your life. DM me if you want resources about Konmari. I'm not a shill, just a fan 🤣

Going out of depression starts with the mindset. If you carry on blaming life, people, objects, circumstances, etc for your depression you're going nowhere and are gonna stay in your shitty situation. The majority of things you blame for your depressive mood probably CAN be changed. You CAN seek another job if you are your current job. There's certainly another job that pays better, treats you better etc. You CAN dump a toxic friendgroup and it's actually better to be alone than be with toxic friends that drag you down. You CAN dump your abusive boyfriend, being single is BETTER than being with an abusive asshole ass. If you settle it means that they're winning over your mind and you're allowing them to work themselves into your mind. Thus worsening your situation.

If you find yourself going on a depression loop ("I feel bad, I am bad, I don't deserve to exist"), go MOVE. I mean it, GO MOVE. Go walk outside, go walk the dog, go clean up your room, go to the local cafe with your laptop to scroll Tumblr, MOVE. Those depression loops are your brain being hyperfixated on one thing because it lacks distraction. It lacks direction, it is staying too still. Go MOVE. Go see the ducks at the local park and give them some seeds, go call a friend to walk together or just talk together. I'm sure they're waiting for you to initiate something together, they're probably hesitating to call you because they don't wanna bother you. Your dog is probably looking at you hoping you'd bring her on a FUN walk and your dog is always gonna be happy doing it. Even if the idea of moving seems so exhausting it's the first steps that take the most effort but once you did it you'll feel so proud of yourself. You did it.

If you respect yourself first, by your self-care, environment and grooming, you're signaling to others that they must respect you. If you don't respect yourself, it signals to others that they can walk all over you and stample you down further into depression.

DON'T EAT CRAP AND EAT WELL.

Junk food is really comforting isn't it? But you absolutely know that it contributes to bad health overall. It makes you feel nauseous, makes you gain weight like crazy and doesn't gives your precious body cells the nutriments they crave so much. Do yourself a grace, eat nutritious meals at least once per day.

Meal prepping is your friend. Again, it spares you the precious mental energy waste and you can redirect your small mental energy on the stuff that requires it. Do 2-3 days at a time, it's so less daunting to do and doesn't gets as boring as 7 days meal prep.

Half your dish should be veggies and fruits. 1/4 your dish should be carbs like pasta, rice, etc. 1/4 should be your proteins.

If you can't muster up the energy to make nutrious meals, at least pop in a multivitamin. Vitamin D deficiencies are strongly associated with depression, and most multivitamins have vitamin D too. Consume while eating a meal for max effect.

Don't drink coffee/tea one hour before a meal and two hours after a meal as it will decrease your iron absorption (iron deficiency = weakness + lack of energy)

DRINK YOUR WATER. It's insanely important and enough water will make you feel more energized.

AVOID ALCOHOL as it is a depressant (aka it worsens the situation). All it is gonna do is give you a temporary happy buzz but it doesn't attacks the problem at the core.

No junkfood in the house, avoid bringing them inside the home. Just don't. If you family brings those in, you could discuss with them about a specific place to store them, away from immediate view.

I know it looks so daunting all those tips together but it did work for other people and for me. If you want to heal and become better, write those down on a sheet of paper and place those on your fridge, to remind you of what to do.

Those seem to be superficial tips but trust me, a shitty lifestyle only worsens the situation and makes you even more miserable.

I strongly recommend to check your therapy solutions, a good vent/cry relieves the heart and the therapist is going to give you journaling resources and advice. Check our your local universities for cheap therapy solutions, teletherapy, if you're still a student see if your school offers therapist/counselor times. You're not obligated to go every week, you can go once per month or at need if you don't have the money for that.

I am a former depressed person, and all those are solutions that helped me the most and I'm passing those on for anyone that might need a lifestyle revision. It sucks immensely, I know but don't give up. Its not always gonna be like that, the more work you pour into it the better it actually gets. 💎

[seijorhi]

Hey, congrats on 500 followers! Could I request a scenario with yan!Oikawa who takes advantage of Iwaizumi’s sister, as in noncon? If you don’t want to write it then it’s fine! :)

Of course, thanks for the request! I am always happy to write yan Oikawa

Oikawa Tooru x Female Reader

TW implied non-con, manipulation, naive reader

Adorable

The people who know Oikawa, really know Oikawa, understand that he doesn’t love easily. 

He has his swarm of devoted fans, his teammates and his friends, and on the surface he comes across as friendly, charming, even. He has a way with people, he knows that, abuses it a little, if he’s being honest. Outside of the court, he doesn’t want anybody to think too badly of him. Oikawa wants their praise, their attention, their love, needs it even - but it’s a one way transaction, a temporary boost to satisfy his ego, nothing more.

Beneath the cheery laugh and flattering smiles, Oikawa really doesn’t give a shit about most people, and genuinely cares for even less. 

Hajime has always been the exception, right from the first day of school together. His best friend, the one person he trusted above all else.

And then there was you; his sweet, adorable little sister.

Oh, now weren’t you just the cutest thing? Oikawa can still remember the first time he met you, the way you clung to your brother’s back, peering around him with those wide pretty eyes. You’d blushed and stammered out a bashful hello and Oikawa thinks that that might just have been the moment you stole his heart.

Not that he knew it at the time. Back then, girls still had cooties.

And yet, despite that, you managed to endear yourself to him. 

It didn’t help that you always turned such a delightful shade of pink whenever he teased you. His efforts usually garnered him a rough slap on the back of his head, courtesy of Iwa, but what was he supposed to do? You were just too damn adorable not to play with!

It’s all harmless of course (just because they’re best friends, doesn’t mean Iwa trusts him an inch around his sister, Oikawa knows this) until suddenly it isn’t.

Oikawa isn’t really sure exactly when his feelings began to change. He’s always felt somewhat protective of you. It’s natural, he supposes, after seeing how adorably naive you are, especially around guys. He’s honestly lost count of the number of times he’s had to play your knight in shining armour with Iwa and the others because you’re simply too stupid to realise you’re getting taken advantage of.

And maybe it’s that innocent naivety he wants to protect, if only so he can corrupt it himself. 

It’s partially your fault too, you know. Despite his playful attempts to rile you up, you trust him implicitly, just like you trust all of Hajime’s friends. You don’t think twice about parading yourself around in front of him in a tank top and those skimpy little pyjama shorts that never fail to drive him to near distraction. You don’t notice it, do you, the way his hand grips so tightly at the armrest on the couch when you slot yourself down between the two of them on movie nights at your place that it’s a wonder it doesn’t break.

He hopes like hell that Iwa doesn’t pay attention when he abruptly excuses himself halfway through, prays that the volume on the TV is loud enough to mask the sounds of him fucking his fist with your name on his lips.

You give your affections so easily, it takes nothing more than a petulant pout for you to wrap your arms around his waist and tuck yourself against him just like you do with Hajime. He wonders whether he can tempt a kiss from you, too. 

(He refrains, if only because he knows that while you might be that gullible, Iwa certainly isn’t).

Oikawa doesn’t quite know whether he should be offended by your unwitting refusal to see him as anything other than your big brother’s best friend or not, but he supposes it won’t really matter one way or the other. Whether you expect it - want it - or not, the end result is gonna be the same.

He just has to be patient.

And wouldn’t you know it? The fates see fit just to all but throw you into his lap.

It’s purely by chance that Iwa isn’t home when he swings by one afternoon, but when you answer the door, breathless and sniffling, eyes rimmed in a tell tale red, every thought of his best friend flies right out the window. It takes but a millisecond for him to register the pretty outfit you’re wearing, the delicate, floral scent of your perfume lingering in the air, and it takes an immense amount of practice to keep the predatory smirk from curling across his lips.

And you, sweet, darling, little thing, try and wave away his concerns as he takes you by the waist and leads you back inside, closing the door behind him.

But he’s played his role so well. He’s your big brother’s best friend, you can trust him, you can tell him anything, you know that, right? He cares about you so much, and it’s obvious you’re upset - Hajime would be seriously pissed if he found out he left you all alone in such a state. 

Truthfully, he barely listens to your snivelling confession - something about a supposed date gone wrong, a boy who kissed another girl instead of you. There’s a brief flicker of irritation at seeing you hung up on somebody who’s not him, but Oikawa forces himself to focus on the way you’re all but burrowed against him on the couch, the delightful sensation of your bare skin under his fingertips as he comforts you so tenderly.

Oh, it really is too perfect.

He’s wanted this for months, years maybe, and Oikawa can’t hold himself back any longer. His grip is gentle but unyielding as he coaxes your chin up to look at him. God, you look so beautiful staring up at him with that teary, doe eyed confusion, you barely have a chance to open your mouth and question him before his lips are crashing against yours.

God, you taste like fucking heaven.

He wastes no time easing you into it, it would be just cruel to give you a hope that this experience was going to be in any way gentle. His teeth bite at your bottom lip, his hands tightening with bruising force as he suddenly flips you over onto your back, knocking the air from your lungs.

He’s always thought you were pretty, but somehow even his best fantasies pale in comparison to the sight that awaits him as he rips open your top and hikes up your skirt. You look so cute beneath him, so very fragile and scared that for a moment he forces himself to stop.

A faint hope flickers in your eyes. Even caged beneath him with his achingly hard cock pressing insistently against your thigh, you still so desperately want to believe that this is all some big misunderstanding, that he’s not about to tear you away from your safe, naive, little world and fuck you until you’re a babbling mess.

“T-Tooru? I- why…” your words fail as fresh tears well up and spill down your flushed face, and he can’t deny the trill of pleasure he gets from hearing his name in that breathless whisper of yours. He wants to hear it again, wants to hear you scream it as he pounds into your warm, tight cunt.

He smiles widely, cupping his palm against your wet cheek, “Don’t cry, cutie. You trust me, don’t you?”

It’s not like he’s doing this because he doesn’t love you. 

Doesn’t change the fact he’s still gonna ruin you.

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Infodump/Long Post: Caffeine, Sugar, Dopamine, & ADHD

Hi. I’m Nico. I don’t usually infodump on here but Aiden did before & fellow neurodivergent people seemed to enjoy seeing nd centered content, & people gave him a lot of attention, so…

Here goes I guess. I hope y’all like it.

It’s gonna be a bit long but I found it fascinating so—

So first important thing is, this is based on research studies I found & theories I know, as well as my own observations, & may not be absolutely perfect because of that. But for the purpose of sharing information I’m going to tell you the theories & findings & build from there. Just bear in mind these aren’t set in stone & knowledge could change in the future - this is based on recent/current findings & understanding.

((& I don't want any arguing about the theories, the existence of ADHD, the addictive nature of caffeine/sugar (that's not the central topic here), or the way I formatted this in replies/reblogs please))

——

So many of you may know that ADHDers are affected differently by caffeine (coffee) than non-ADHDers (& neurotypicals). It’s actually been so consistent that I can tell if someone is ADHD or not based on their reaction to coffee - even before they’re diagnosed. It’s generally accepted that stimulants affect ADHDers differently. Coffee/caffeine usually puts ADHDers to sleep, or makes them drowsy, or makes them very focused, & it’s sometimes baffling as an ADHDer that some people can drink coffee to feel energized & jittery (it feels like a lie sometimes). That’s not to say that people who aren’t put to sleep by caffeine can’t have ADHD, but it’s very common to be put to sleep/calmed down by coffee.

Based on my personal experience with coffee, I’ve had a 20 ounce black coffee put me to sleep for four hours. I also, just yesterday, had a 20oz sugared latte & ended up hyperfocusing on this (topic of infodump), rewriting an intro template we made around a year ago, & writing stories (a special interest of mine) for around 6-8 hours total.

Now I think I might know why.

So I suspected the other day that maybe it had something to do with dopamine, & I did some research on how caffeine affects the brain. But because I also know sugared coffee (e.g. syrup-flavoured lattes, which is what I prefer) seem to have a different affect (especially depending on how much sugar you use), I looked into how sugar affects the brain too.

——

This is gonna use a few technical terms so I’ll explain them first for anyone who doesn’t know—

Adrenaline/Epinephrine: “A hormone your body can release (especially when you’re under stress) that increases blood circulation rate (quickens heart beat, strengthens force of heart’s contractions), breathing speed, & carbohydrate metabolism, & prepares your muscles to be used. It’s part of the human ‘fight or flight’ response to fear, panic, or perceived threat. An adrenaline rush can feel like anxiousness, nervousness, or pure excitement as your body & mind prepare for an event.”

Adrenaline Simplified - It gives you heightened energy, excitement, strength, & alertness, & a lot of it will make you jittery, anxious, or panicky.

Serotonin: A neurotransmitter compound which constricts the blood vessels and acts as a neurotransmitter. It’s responsible for influencing/stabilizing mood, feelings of well-being & happiness, cognition, reward, learning, memory, & numerous physiological processes (nausea & vasoconstriction (narrowing (constriction) of blood vessels by small muscles in their walls to slow blood flow)).

Serotonin Simplified - reduces depression, regulates anxiety, heals wounds, stimulates nausea, maintains bone health, helps with sleeping, eating, & digesting, & regulates happiness, well-being, & mood stability; it’s a soother & a happy chemical. A lot of it will make you extremely energetic & jittery.

Dopamine: “A neurotransmitter compound. When dopamine is released in large amounts, it creates feelings of pleasure (happiness, achievement) & reward, which motivates you to repeat specific behaviours; low levels of dopamine are linked to reduced motivation & decreased enthusiasm for things that would excite most people. It controls mental & emotional responses but also motor (physical) reactions. Known for being the “happy hormone”; responsible for the experience of happiness. The anticipation of most types of rewards typically increases the level of dopamine in the brain (anticipatory pleasure), & then you get a larger dose later when you get the reward.”

Dopamine Simplified - It’s your happiness/pleasure response to achievements, rewards, praise, etc. It functions as both motivation & reward, & when it’s functioning properly it’s what keeps you focused on tasks until they’re done.

Residual Dopamine: Dopamine that’s “floating” around in your brain, ready to be deployed as needed to motivate you & help you get through less fun tasks.

Temporary Dopamine: Dopamine that you get as a reward from things like beating a level in a video game, winning the lottery, etc. (accomplishments); is released after an accomplishment or event is over.

Note that typically, these chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, & adrenaline) are supposed to be balanced, & they’re supposed to be generally not very difficult to get. In mentally ill or some neurodivergent brains, however, these chemicals are imbalanced.

——

Now that the technical stuff is out of the way -

Caffeine lowers your serotonin levels, majorly increases dopamine, & releases adrenaline.

Sugar raises all three - serotonin, dopamine, AND adrenaline.

So sugared coffee will raise serotonin, dopamine, & adrenaline levels.

So how does that make them affect ADHDers differently?

——

This part is based on something called Low Arousal Theory (& no that’s not sexual).

Basically, the theory states that what makes an ADHDer appear inattentive or hyperactive has to do with dopamine in the brain - both how much we have & how easy it is to get it.

ADHDers, according to this theory, have lower residual dopamine. This causes an imbalance between dopamine and other neurotransmitter compounds/hormones.

Because of this, then, ADHDers have to rely on temporary hits of dopamine, both to focus & to boost their mood. There are often less ways we can get enough dopamine, since our brain doesn’t pre-produce enough & we thus need more dopamine total to be able to focus. So we end up hyperfocusing on anything that automatically gives large doses of dopamine - which usually ends up being things like TV shows (binge watching), video games (blackout hyperfocus where you play for hours & lose time), & social media (like, scroll, comment, scroll, lots of feedback/reward).

——

(Note in this case sugared coffee can mean coffee with sugar cubes/physical sugar added, coffee with sugary creamer added, coffee with milk added coffee with sugar syrup added, coffee with flavoured sugar syrup added, & coffee with any combination of those added (because those will all add at least a little sugar); & black coffee means coffee/espresso with not even milk added)

So if black coffee raises your dopamine levels, that means, for non-ADHDers, that it makes them energized, jittery, anxious, motivated and alert. Sugared coffee has a more significant/amplified, but similar, affect & this often shows up as shakiness & inattentiveness.

Non-ADHDers will get an artificial imbalance & a whole lot of dopamine, adrenaline, &/or serotonin. Since they already have enough dopamine naturally, this spike causes hyperactive/inattentiveness.

For ADHDers, however, their dopamine levels are low, so black coffee will cause an artificial imbalance but will leave the ADHDer with enough dopamine (higher levels of dopamine) to be motivated to do tasks & focus, & this usually causes focused drowsiness in small doses. Large doses (usually 20+ ounces of black coffee) will put the ADHD brain to sleep.

Sugared coffee though, for an ADHD brain, will cause an artificial balance with higher levels of dopamine, so this usually creates either blackout hyperfocus (medium dose of sugar + medium (16-20oz) coffee), calm focus (large coffee (20-32oz) + some sugar), or amplified hyperactivity (small coffee (8-16oz) + a lot of sugar or large coffee (20-32oz) + a lot of sugar; jittery, jumpiness, running around).

((Note the oz are an estimate & will vary depending on your personal tolerance for caffeine & sugar))

Essentially, sugared coffee could have a similar affect to prescription meds for ADHDers who don’t trust meds, get bad side effects from meds, or aren’t allowed meds? (I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it or say anyone should ditch their meds to try it, especially since coffee can be addictive, but I found it fascinating either way (since it explained (potentially) why black coffee could put me & other ADHDers to sleep).)

It also means being put to sleep by coffee, or suddenly able to Do The Thing™ because of coffee, is ADHD culture. (/lighthearted)

~Nico

[my-spiritualweapon-is-a-lollipop]

Holding Hands

Synopsis: Essek tours the tower for the first time and he and Caleb have some honest talks. A little bit of angst and a little bit of fluff. Just how I like my wizards. 

It had been a long day in Eiselcross. The Mighty Nein were all weary on their feet, many of them hurt from their various encounters along the way and everyone could probably use the rapport boost of a warm bed and good food. Still Caleb was leary of using the tower when Lucien had proven he could easily dispel it.

“But Caleb” Jester pleaded while grabbing onto his arm with her charming little mittens. “If Lucien’s not nearby yet then we wasted a night of good, safe rest. Wouldn’t it be better to fight him with a good night of sleep before? And besides, the tower is harder to find than the dome.” and she blinked up at him with that particular Jester pout that Caleb found particularly difficult to resist.

“Ja… we could…” He left room for Fjord or Beau to interject with a discussion of the best tactical decision, but they were surprisingly quiet. He glanced at them and saw that Beau was leaning hard against the wall, favouring the leg that hadn’t been hurt in their last run in and trying to play it off. Fjord’s face was etched with exhaustion. That settled it for Caleb. It was worth the boost in moral that an evening in the tower would provide… even if it served to be only a temporary situation. “Ja. We could” He repeated more firmly and began his preparations for the tower.

It was a challenging spell and Caleb had plenty of experience tuning out his companions when doing this work, but Beau and Caduceus couldn’t help but notice the almost imperceptible pause and tensing of Caleb’s shoulders that accompanied Jester grabbing Essek and delightedly declaring:

“Oh, Essek you are going to love the tower! And not just because it’s all wizardy and stuff but Caleb made it so nice. There are lots of cats, and everyone has a special nice room - I bet he’ll make one special for you” she pumped her eyebrows “- and the cats make like WHATEVER food you want! It’s amazing!”

Essek responded in the slightly shaken way he did whenever he encountered the full force of Jester’s jovial attentions:

“I-I-’m certain that it is. I wouldn’t expect anything less from a talented wizard.” and Essek looked hard at Caleb’s back for a moment and then looked away with a perceptible sadness in his eyes but Jester pushed on as was her way:

“Pro-tip: call all of the cats to come snuggle you. You will never. Sleep. Better.”

“I’ll have to remember that.” Essek said nodding at her and trying to extricate himself from where she had her arms wrapped around his. He floated over to the wall to drift near Beau where he expected he would be left to sit in sullen silence, which was what he wanted. He wanted to observe everything about how Caleb cast this spell. This was the kind of magic he wasn’t particularly familiar with and it was endlessly fascinating. To his surprise he was interrupted by Beau leaning close to him and whispering savagely under her breath:

“If you talk shit about Caleb’s tower, I will fucking kill you. I know you’re a supposed to be amazing and all but it’s clear your opinion matters to him, so you better play nice got it?” Essek visibly deflated in response but whispered back with a surprising intensity.

“I understand that I have not given you much to trust Beauregard, but if there is one thing you can, please trust in my respect for all of your abilities. Even if you believe me to be arrogant, foolish or any other of the myriad of likely accurate and unflattering descriptions you may have in your mind, please know that you have each earned my respect time and time again and Caleb more so than anyone. If anything, I wish to prove my capabilities as an ally to you... not judge yours.” Before Beau could respond, Caduceus (who hears just about everything) put an arm around Essek and spoke.

“That’s nice.” and looked at Essek with a natural sense of hope that Essek couldn’t tolerate so he stared hard into the ground.

“Ready” Caleb said to the group. Those who knew him well picked up on the slight nerves in his voice. It would have been easy to attribute it to the long day of difficult travel, but they were all inclined to think that it was more likely to do with the wizard floating a few feet behind the rest of the group with a curious light filling his eyes. They began to file in and Jester paused at the back of the group to whisper to Caleb conspiratorially:

“Don’t worry. He’s going to like it.” and as she stepped inside, she threw her voice out to obviously and loudly proclaim:

“Oh, Caleb it is as beautiful as always! You are so talented! So amazing! So…” as she paused to look for the next description Veth cut in:

“Truly powerful. One might say a prodigy” She said making eye contact with Essek in a less than kind way before beginning to float upwards.

“Yes!” Jester began as she too started drifting upwards “an absolute prodigy! The best ever!” she feigned swooning and Beau cut her off.

“Yeah, yeah Caleb’s great. We get it. What’s for supper?”

“Uh ja” Caleb started, and he summoned a cat nearby “please prepare a good-sized roast and several -uh- vegetable dishes for our pink friend here and also some black moss cupcakes please.”

“Thank you” Caduceus said and began drifting upwards following the rest of the group. Essek looked like he was about to say something until Fjord shouted:

“UP!” right next to him and nearly caused him to leap out of his skin though he quickly recovered his unflappable mask. Everyone drifted up whilst chatting until it was just Caleb and Essek left on the platform.

“Ah I see.” Essek said as he began drifting up off the platform. “A clever design.”

“I thought that scaling many staircases seemed less than enjoyable after a day of adventuring.” Caleb put in, clearly trying to keep the pleasure at the compliment out of his voice.

“Actually, I was rather inspired by a time we found ourselves in the astral sea briefly.”

“Indeed” Essek said having some experience with the nature of that space. “I don’t believe I have heard that story yet.” He continued.

“Probably you will, some day” Caleb said and Essek could sense that this meant the tale of that particular adventure contained sensitive information, information that Caleb did not trust Essek with and he looked at his floating feet once more, unable to make eye contact with the closest friend he had had in years who was saying in no uncertain terms that he was still not to be trusted completely.

“Ah I see… someday then”.

Caleb didn’t want to leave the mood too low for too long. Afterall, he wanted to tell Essek every detail about those halls and their experiences there, but the happy fun ball seemed like it would probably be more of a temptation than was necessarily a good idea, especially if the two of them could work on it together. So, he began floating on ahead and offered Essek his hand.

“Would you like the tour then?” Essek briefly looked up at Caleb floating above him, stretching his hand down to carry him up to his level and couldn’t help but feel the weight of the visual representation of their situation. Caleb looking down, wreathed in light from above while Essek looked up at him and reached for his hand. It was almost like an art piece and he hated to give in to the symbolism.

Still, he grabbed Caleb’s hand and thought “up” to himself until they were level. Much to his surprise Caleb kept their hands intertwined as they floated up to the first floor and it was almost enough to distract Essek from the beautiful library they found themselves in next. Almost. He was a wizard after all. He couldn’t resist the sight of any good collection of books. Essek quickly moved over to the nearest shelf and began scanning title after title and slowly came to a realization.

“You create this space anew every time, correct? It’s not permanently established?”

“Ja, I create it new every time, though I try to keep it close to the same for the most part.”

“So, all of these… these only exist here meaning that these are simply books that you have memorized?” He said with audible admiration.

“Ja. I have a good mind for storing facts.” and he watched as Essek pulled a book from the shelves and began thumbing through pages and couldn’t help but feel to a certain degree as if he was being tested. Essek saw that these books were not just visual representations or the spines of Caleb’s favourite books but complete volumes, written exactly as they were. He found himself feeling that odd mix of jealousy, admiration and something else that he hadn’t quite pinned down that often-accompanied Caleb’s displays of mental prowess. He looked back at Caleb, and though he had had trouble meeting the fellow wizard’s eyes for days - he did not want to see Caleb’s disappointment - he felt compelled to make strong eye contact now to drive home his point.

“I am considered excellent at what I do. I have a keen mind. But this… this is astounding even to me.” Caleb felt the weight of his eyes on him and felt himself flushing somewhat.  

“Well… this is available to you if you wish to read, though I must let you know that many of them are in my original tongue and plenty of these are repeated. Though I have a great love of reading, I have found that I cannot fill an entire library with only my own knowledge just yet.” Essek waved his hand dismissively and Caleb saw just a small hint of the old, confident Essek peek thorough.

“I have arcane means at my disposal to translate. That is not a problem. I thank you.” He bowed his head slightly and stashed a book under his arm.

“But this is only the first floor? Though I would be happy to remain here in the library if that were your wish, I would gladly see more if you would show me?” Though he masked it well from his voice, Caleb could sense the hunger, the eagerness to see more that was familiar to him. Not for the first time, Caleb longed for simpler times in the other wizard’s tower when there was no betrayal hanging between them, simply peers enjoying the pursuit of knowledge and each other's company. Now even the memory of their victory that day felt tainted with the cost of how Essek had acquired much of his knowledge. Caleb pulled himself out of the spiral and offered:

“There is more to seen to be sure. Come. I’ll show you” and he proffered his hand once again. He knew Essek was perfectly capable of following but there was a small part of Caleb that couldn’t resist the small bit of pleasant contact between them that felt safe and distant enough, at least until he could make up his mind about what to do about Essek. Essek for his part noted the texture of Caleb’s hand, memorizing it and studying his internal reaction for future reference- when he had time to unpack all that was causing him to feel. He also noticed the scars just visible at the bottom of the arm of Caleb’s coat but chose not to interrupt this small precious moment of goodwill with a question that may bring up pain for Caleb.

And so, Caleb showed him the majority of the lower levels, going from place-to-place hand in hand, to a point where both hands were clammy and almost asleep but neither wizard was willing to give up their tenuous bond just yet. Essek thought the summoning space in the hall was “quite a brilliant solution” and Caleb informed Essek that he had had to install tiny locking doors on his cat travel system after Jester’s first polymorph escapade and thank goodness he had for Jester decided to provide Lucien with that little tidbit of advice upon first arriving. This caused Essek to actually laugh out loud which took Caleb by surprise.

“Yes, I am unsurprised by this. Jester is a talented person in her own right, but I would not describe her as pragmatic in any sense of the word.” Essek chuckled again. Caleb stopped and looked down at their joined hands a moment.

“Herr Theylyss, may I ask you something? It may be personal” Essek felt a pit of concern begin turning in his stomach but responded:

“Uh- why yes. I thought you were aware that I have made the decision to be fully -uh honest with you ever since… yes you may.” Caleb noted that Essek was fidgeting with his other hand.

“I had wondered why you seem more comfortable around Jester when it is clear that you still struggle to be at ease around … the rest of us at times? I understand that Jester is very talented at - uh-bringing out the best in people shall we say but… I had wondered…” Essek thought for a moment.

“I believe the answer is twofold. Firstly, Jester was the voice of your group to me for many months. It was through her that I was first annoyed with you all, then simply exasperated and then, I will admit, excited to hear from you. In my perspective she was the voice of my...my first friends. I believe to some degree I still expect her intrusions” He looked away at this “Secondly, I know I disappointed her as I disappointed each of you when I… when my decisions came to light but I can tell that Jester wants to forgive me and believes in the good she sees in me, just as Caduceus has hoped for me but I suppose, with the rest of you, in many ways I know that the damage is done and that the days of eating and drinking in that ridiculous hot tub are well over and I-” he paused to collect his thoughts “though I know I deserve it, it can be difficult to face that our bonds will never be what I was hoping they would be.” Essek hadn’t met Caleb’s eyes through this whole speech but a visible dark purple flush was creeping across his features.

“Ah I see.” Caleb began, “yes Jester’s capacity for seeing the positives in life is an admirable quality but” Caleb touched Essek’s chin feather light and turned his face towards him. “You do us a disservice if you think that each of us does not hold hope that you will redeem yourself or see the best in you. You would not be here if we didn’t but I have already told you… it takes time.” Both of them thought back to the moment of his discovery when Caleb managed to stop an oncoming panic attack in its tracks with a kiss on the forehead and his stalwart belief in Essek’s capacity to redeem himself. Looking into his eyes now, Essek saw something almost worse than his worst fear and the reason he been avoiding Caleb’s gaze. He had expected to see disappointment, sadness or even derision in Caleb’s eyes but instead he saw a warmth and a genuine affection that he felt undeserving of. It was never something he had seen before from anyone else; not in the eyes of his parents or siblings, the bright queen, or even his students that viewed him with adoration. Caleb had looked at him that way a few times before but Essek had not dared to hope that look remained after his deceptions were revealed. He felt a wetness swelling in his eyes, but he couldn't pull his gaze away, desperately catching every last second of affection that he could. Caleb was glad to see behind Essek’s carefully laid mask to know that he was being heard and heard truly. He ran his thumb over the soft purple skin along Essek’s jaw.

“Time.” He reiterated. Then he pulled his gaze away and broke them both out of the moment. He dropped Essek’s hand, afraid he’d clench too tightly if he didn’t, taken by a swarm of his own emotions of hurt, betrayal, and still warm caring and concern “I better leave you a little time before supper to clean up ja? Come. I will show you your room.” Essek didn’t say anything but simply nodded, hoping to clamber his mask of semi-indifference back into place.

They got to the landing with all of the doors to the individual bedrooms and both caught a glance into Yasha’s bedroom where Jester could be seen to be braiding Yasha’s hair in a particularly spectacular updo.

“Do you think Beau will like it?” Yasha wondered while looking in the mirror.

“Oh Yasha! She will love it!” Jester started a whole torrent of compliments before Caleb opened the door to the guest bedroom and both of them were distracted by the reveal.

Caleb had a tense knot in his stomach as Essek cautiously stepped, or floated rather, forward. He had hoped that this room could act as a small kind of gift, to show Essek that he still held space for him.

It was a chamber much like the rest of the bedrooms with its bathtub and fireplace, but Caleb had modified the architecture to be more reminiscent of Xhorhos, more specifically the design Caleb had seen in Essek’s tower. The furniture was inspired by that as well, though in different arrangements to accommodate the layout. Fine silver instruments laid upon the desk. Wall hangings precisely as they had appeared in Essek’s tower. There was space for mucking about and chalkboards for scribbling out theories. There was a small library space that was empty save for the books Caleb placed in every room and the large comfortable reading chair in the deep blue velvet that Caleb remembered, with the important distinction that this reading nook had two reading chairs as opposed to the one in Essek’s original study. Caleb watched as Essek floated from place to place taking in the details.

“Uh-ja” he interjected as Essek moved toward the desk. “I only included instruments I could recall from the limited view of your tower I had but if you require more, I have a study and lab that I share with Veth that you are welcome to share with us if you should have anything you wish to work on.” Essek moved over to touch one of the velvet chairs and Caleb cut in again:

“I have – that is- I know what it is like to be far from a patriot but to still miss home so I thought I could include a few familiar touches” Essek nodded silently, and Caleb worried he may have missed the mark.  Essek finally spoke near the bed:

“I haven’t used a bed in many years. I typically just trance at the desk in my study.”

“I was worried you’d say that” Caleb said rushing forward in a fervor that he only acquired when he’d had a particularly exciting idea “thus I have innovated something for wizards everywhere. This will save our necks and shoulders” He tugged on a cord by the bed and revealed on the roof of the four poster was a chalkboard with a floating bit of chalk. He laid down excitedly and pointed up and continued “it works much like transit throughout the space. Simply think what you wish, and the chalk will begin to draw” and the chalk began drawing the figures related to fortunes favor from Caleb’s notes. “This way you may think and rest your body at the same time.” Essek was craning to look up at the chalk board with a small look of amusement glowing in his eyes. It truly was a good idea but far better was the excitement in his friend that accompanied it.

“Truly inspired” he affirmed and began peering around the rest of the space when his eyes landed on the stained glass above the fireplace. Essek floated over to peer at it and Caleb sat up to watch him. The stained glass depicted the Xorhaus as the nein affectionately called the home Essek’s Den had gifted them during their time in Xorhos, with the tree growing up out of it with it’s glittering branches. And in the house could be seen 8 colourful figures sitting around a hot tub. All of the mighty nein were silhouetted in their signature colours and in the very centre were two male silhouettes looking at one another. One purple and one orange. They seemed to be laughing in their pose. Below this there was a scroll that read “Welcome to the Mighty Nein!”.

Essek’s feet hit the floor with a loud thud as he stared at this stained-glass piece. Caleb had never seen Essek lose concentration in his levitating outside of a fight before and instinctually stood up. Essek looked over and then down at his feet somewhat embarrassed.

“My apologies, uh, I just didn’t expect…” and he moved to begin the spell again.

“You have nothing to prove to me Essek.” Caleb cut him off and essek let the spell die, looking back up to the stained glass.

“I had hoped to provide you a sense of home here, but I apologize if I misjudged or over stepped. I had already designed that stained glass before our discussion earlier and I see now that it may be more harmful than helpful. Tomorrow night I can-

“It is perfect.” Essek said quietly as he stepped, actually stepped, towards Caleb, looking as if he was searching for the right thing to say before landing on:

“Thank you. I am humbled by your insight and your skill.” Caleb looked uncomfortable at such high praise and stood, uncertain what to do with himself for several moments before he began moving toward the door.

“Supper in the dining room in fifteen minutes” he said, fleeing all of the feelings that Essek’s presence had caused.

Essek spent the next fifteen minutes in quiet contemplation about the feeling of one hand in another until he heard Caleb shouting as he descended from his room:

“Supper is ready. Please come down everyone.”

Essek opened his door as the other’s spilled onto the landing as well. He heard a massive noise from upstairs roughly the direction Caleb had specified for the lab and everyone paused to look up until Veth leaned out the door with ash covering her face and said:

“I’ll be down in 5 minutes!”

“Is everything alright?” Fjord asked semi-suspiciously.

“Absolutely! Everything is fine. Perfectly and absolutely fine.” smoke was billowing out of the door and dissipating. “I just need five minutes for um...lady stuff. BE RIGHT DOWN!” she shouted as she slammed the door closed again. The rest of the mighty nein seemed to shrug somewhat to Essek’s dismay:

“Should we help her?” he enquired.

“She’s more likely to bite than accept help she hasn’t asked for” Fjord chuckled. “She does this from time to time. I’m sure it’s fine. Besides, I’m starving”. Fjord wrapped an arm around Jester and hopped off the landing and said “Down!” and they began descending. Essek could hear Jester going:

“Oh Oskar! You are so strong” and the beginnings of Fjord’s protest at the jibe.

Meanwhile Beau and Yasha were squaring off and Essek wasn’t certain if they were likely to kiss or fight or both.

“You look...really good Yasha.”

“You like it? I had never tried this style in my hair before.”

“Essek, tell Caleb we’re skipping dinner.” Beau said with some fervor

“What-” Essek began before his question was answered by Beau pulling Yasha into her room and slamming the door. “Ah… I see”. A sudden thud could be heard from the otherside of the door and Essek did not wish to question what had caused it. Suddenly a large hand was patting him on the shoulder.

“You get used to it” Caduceus said.

“What is that?”

“Being a part of something.” Caduceus finished with another pat on the shoulder, then he began to descend for supper as if he hadn’t said something that hit Essek at his very core.

They had a pleasant supper all together and planned some tactics for the next day before everyone adjourned to their various places of rest for the night. Essek went over to the library and collected an armful of books. Frumkin appeared through a little gap in the wall and Essek leaned down to him.

“Do you have a message from your master?” he said hopefully. Frumkin just butted up against him looking to be pet.

“Do you require something?” Frumkin flopped at Essek’s feet. In this moment alone, he smiled a small smile for the cat that contained none of his usual bravado. He crouched down to pet Frumkin exceedingly gently. After a few moments Frumkin was purring loudly.

“I’m glad we are still good friends at least” Essek sighed. “Do you wish to enjoy some reading with me?” Frumkin gave a slight meow that seemed like a yes and Essek picked him up and placed him on his shoulder giving him a little nuzzle on the way. They began to ascend to Essek’s room and Caleb watched them go. He felt somewhat disappointed in himself for this scheme, particularly after seeing Essek’s sweet nature with his cat, but he would not be fooled twice.

Once safely in his room Caleb watched Essek through frumkin’s eyes. He watched and waited and expected some sort of betrayal though he did not hope for one. He waited until everyone else had gone to bed and Essek was the only one remaining awake. He had expected Essek may message someone, scry or even perhaps begin taking notes of the tower. In that whole time Essek had done nothing but read and cast comprehend languages. Eventually Caleb realized he wasn’t going to do anything else. He wasn’t going to betray them. He then spent the better part of an hour wrestling with himself and doing a good amount of internal reflection before coming to a decision. He went down to knock quietly on Essek’s door.

“Yes?” Essek asked, coming to the door in the least precisely put together look Caleb had ever seen from the wizard. His hair was amuck in places, his robe was gone and the shirt beneath was half untucked and he had the slight dark purple imprint on his cheek where he had been leaning his hand. It made him look more approachable than his typical visage as the “Shadowhand”. Perhaps more endearing too.Caleb also noted he wasn’t floating and wondered if that was to do with his earlier comment.

“Have you happened to have seen my cat?” Caleb enquired. Essek was not fooled by the pretense, knowing that Caleb could summon Frumkin at will, but played along.

“Ah my apologies, I have been detaining him to keep me company while I read.” At this Frumkin ran out of the door and began weaving between Caleb’s legs.

“So, this is where you were?” Caleb enquired of him in mock surprise.

“Yes, well it seemed fitting to have him around while reading my first empire fairy tales about such a one.” Essek said brandishing the book.

“You read der katzenprinz?” Caleb asked, legitimately surprised. He had assumed that Essek would have immediately gravitated towards the arcane books.

“I started with another regarding transmutation but this one seemed a bit of an odd one out in the collection so I assumed it must be of some importance to you…” Essek paused getting slightly embarrassed and then noticing how long they had been standing in the doorway.

“Would you like to come in?”

“Actually, I had a thought, if you are too tired, we don’t have to but,” he looked almost pained and rubbed his hand across his mouth and he seemed to make a decision or resolve himself “but we had not quite finished our tour I think.”

“Oh” Essek was somewhat surprised but still eager. “Yes absolutely. Lead the way.” He placed the book on a nearby table while Frumkin ran to his exit in a hole in the wall. As they began to ascend. Essek spoke up softly:

“Is there a reason that Fjord always declares his direction?”

“Other than showmanship? Absolutely not.” Caleb replied.  At this Essek grinned while Caleb opened up the next level.

“I ask that you never come up here without me please Herr Theylyss. Please” he repeated while making pointed eye contact.

“Of course. Whatever it is your wish.” Essek responded genuinely but somewhat surprised as they came to a room full of doors. “What is this place?”

Caleb did not reply but instead said:

“I have only shown the others of the mighty nein this place.” and he opened the door labelled 1. Caleb closed the door behind them as Essek stepped into the humble space and began looking around.

“What is the significance of this house?” He asked before noting the far off look in Caleb’s face.

“Well, I wanted you to know why I found your choices so challenging to ignore. I wanted you to know why it is that I seem to understand so deeply the challenges you face in learning to forgive yourself for what you have done for it is still something I struggle with myself. Deeply.” Essek could sense the gravity of the space for Caleb and came closer.

“I wish you  for to know, as I know your greatest transgression, but you do not know mine and it seems there is an unfair imbalance between us  of late that I  hope to dispel.” Essek was surprised that Caleb thought there was anything comparable to his “transgression” as he put it but thought back to some of the sadness in Caleb and some of the truth in his eyes whenever he talked about the path ahead of Essek and knew there must be something  substantial coming.

“This was my home. I am sure it may be challenging for you to imagine ,coming from such a high-ranking family, but we were happy here.”

“Wealth does not inherently create happy families. In fact, I think it is likely the opposite” Essek put in softly. Caleb nodded and pointed to the small kitchen counter:

“My mother used to make bread here. She used to allow me to take small portions of the dough while she was kneading it and I would make little figures. I would -uh- use them as puppets and tell her stories of magnificent wizards who saved all of the empire from the evil creatures that threatened it. She would turn them into small buns when I was finished and told me that if I ate them, it was like making a wish, and that one day I might become that powerful wizard.” Caleb touched the surface of the table and closed his eyes for a long moment. Essek tentatively put a hand on his shoulder which remained until Caleb went over to the hearth.

“This is where I learned to love fire. My father would feed the flames and show me how to keep it well. He’d tell me that fire could hurt and burn but it could also sustain life. Once I became old enough to manage without harming myself, he let me create the fire every night to practice. Later I practiced control flames here, the first spell I ever learned from a spell book.” Caleb turned to Essek and held his gaze. Essek saw the shame and pain that was written in Caleb’s features.

“You have killed many good people in your thirst for knowledge and power. I … I am no different. I killed good, loving people who only wished that I could have been the powerful wizard who saved the empire… “Caleb swallowed and realization sunk in for Essek. “I killed my family and destroyed this home as a result of Trent Ikathon’s teaching methods. It was seen as a ‘required step in becoming the capable wizards we needed to be to protect our nation’. Still to this day he attests that it is what my family would have wanted though I don’t think our stories in the kitchen could have ever prepared them for their end.” Caleb paused attempting to collect himself. His hands were shaking a great deal, but he pushed forward “I have only just begun the journey to forgiving myself. I keep this room here, not to torture myself but to ensure that this happy home is never forgotten, never lost. Each room on this floor is a moment to be captured and preserved. I will show you another.” A few tears had fallen on Caleb’s face, but he did not seem to notice. Essek didn’t have feel he had an adequate response, but he did not want to leave this space without saying anything.

“You have performed your own dunemancy here. You fixed this in time. It is beautiful. Thank you for showing it to me.” Essek said, hoping he did not say the wrong thing. He had very limited experience with people he would consider loved ones and he had never lost one. Caleb didn’t say anything, but he nodded a thank you and pulled Essek across the hall to another room. It was Caleb’s bedroom in the xorhaus. Essek recognized it immediately by the charming cat figurines on the shelf.

“This was the space where you first entrusted me with dunamancy but I did not preserve it for this reason… I did so because it was the first time we worked together, and I realized you were very much someone I wished to know more. I saw a like mind in you...Essek, I understand exactly what the cost of knowledge and power can be and the folly of chasing them, you have seen this now, but I also understand that draw, that pull of power in a way almost no one else will. I know how easy it is to slip off the path and become a tool for destruction once more, and this is why I find it difficult to fully trust you as you have proven to me that we are too similar, and I do not trust myself even with that.” He had finally said it out loud. Essek had been hanging on the word trust ever since Caleb had said he was more trusted than Trent Ikathon, but here it was. More did not mean much at all. And how could Essek blame him when he was correct? They were very much alike, that was one of the things that had drawn Essek in and convinced Essek to teach Caleb dunamancy against his better judgement. Essek looked and stared at a cat figurine, willing his breath to slow, his eyes to focus. He did not understand what it was particularly that hurt him so much about Caleb having a perfectly, reasonably low opinion of him.

Caleb saw Essek beginning to have difficulty containing his emotions and he closed the space between them to once again place a small kiss on Essek’s forehead before placing his own against it. He put a hand around Essek’s neck gently pulling them together.  

“I have said it takes time and I believe that. My path out of the pit did not move straight forward and I had many setbacks, but I have begun the journey. I did so by taking small steps -and sometimes large ones - every day to leave the world slightly better than I found it.  I will never expunge my past crimes, but I can hope to maybe outweigh them in my overall impact on this world. I see you at the beginning of this journey and I know that one of the most important things in the path to redemption was having companions who walked alongside me on my way to finding it. Having the mighty nein who cared for me and loved me unconditionally, despite these terrible pieces of my past was so...essential… in my ability to begin to overcome them.” His whole body seemed to be sagging with the weight of the world and he pulled away to look in into his eyes “Essek, I know it is easy to see only our faults and everything we have done wrong, but I also know that I am still worthy of forgiveness by some, I am still worthy of friendship and chances to redeem myself and even still worthy of love. And I do not believe this myself many days but Veth and the rest of the nein refuse to allow me to forget it and on days when my belief is not enough, theirs is. And that makes me wish to strive to continue to be worthy of their belief in me. You see?”

Essek was nodding but Caleb could see he was drowning in all of his thoughts.

“Come. I have one more room to show you.” He said gently and walked out of this room. Essek blinked and felt the suddenly jarring distance between them and followed Caleb out of the room. His mind was a swarm.

Caleb placed his hands out for Essek who looked at him somewhat quizzically but took them, nonetheless. They floated up while facing one another to the final floor and Caleb revealed it to him. The floor inspired by dunamancy. Essek’s jaw dropped, and his head swivelled as he took in the room.

“It is no secret that I have a great interest in your craft, but I bring you up here not to remind you of all the power to be gained or lost but to show you of what you already have. You have unlocked so many secrets of the world, but you were never given the chance to study the most important lesson. One that also eluded me for many years. All of this “Caleb gestured out” feels so important, the stretching endless expanse of time and the motes of possibility that we can affect. But” he said firmly “It is not nearly as important as the moment we are living right now, and the people that we share that with.” Essek peeled his eyes off the expanse around them and turned his attention back to Caleb who was looking at him with an expression that he had only seen once before as they unlocked the key to the transmogrification spell. It was a mix of adrenaline, elation, apprehension and excitement. Caleb was building up to something and all Essek could do was be shocked that he was floating in this space of utter beauty and being looked at like that, as if he were the most important thing in the room, as if he was a great spell Caleb was trying to learn the inner workings of.

He began to understand the lesson Caleb was trying to impart as he could not pull his eyes away, despite being surrounded by a veritable playground for his mind, his focus was solely affixed to Caleb and what he would say next. He understood what Caleb meant to say with this room about what really mattered in a way that surprised even Essek himself. Caleb tightened his grasp on Essek’s hands and continued.

“If you will allow me to, herr Theylyss, I wish to do for you what has been done for me. I wish to be the person that reminds you that you can and will find your way back to the light. I wish to be the person who believes in you when you cannot believe in yourself, though I suspect I already have Jester’s help with that.” he quirked a small smile “ I wish to be the one who keeps you in the moment and moving forward. I wish to hold your hand” and he looked down at their joined hands “through your journey to finding yourself.” He squeezed their hands together tightly and then he looked back up with nerves clattering “Essek, you are important to me and I have felt a bond with you since the first time we studied together.  That has not gone or broken the way you seem to believe. You have hurt me, yes, but I am still here to hold your hand and hoping that you will prove that my forgiveness is not for nothing. Hoping that you will find a way to be prove that all of this love that I feel for you is not unjustified... for I do not wish for it go to waste.” He searched Essek’s expression and found it unreadable.

Years of practice freezing his face in moments of panic had caused Essek to almost completely shut down while he attempted to process a response. He pulled away from Caleb slightly and sought to pull his hands into a robe he realized he wasn’t wearing. He wished he could hide how his hands were inclined to fidget.

“I uh-” He began “This is much to process.” Essek stammered out. Caleb was already feeling disappointment seep in. He knew that he had thrown a lot of uncomfortable feelings at Essek in a short amount of time, but he had hoped that there would be at least a degree of enthusiasm for his final declaration. Still, he did not want to pressure Essek.

“Of course.” Caleb said failing to hide his disappointment. “I will leave you to your thoughts Herr Theylyss” he said nodding in a formal way.

Essek was still simply busy processing the word love. He was turning it over in his mind and examining it as it was a fully novel concept to him. He tested out how it felt as a description of that odd feeling of warmth in his chest and stomach when he saw Caleb get excited, or smile, or that small tug at an invisible rope in his chest that could be felt when he saw Caleb being good at, well, almost anything. He considered if that had been why Caleb’s opinion had mattered so much more than most. And here he was, standing before Essek and telling him that he could have that love returned. That he felt that way about him. That he was somehow deserving despite all of the things that he had done.

He thought then how he had felt nothing but sympathy and sorrow for Caleb as he heard of what he had done to his parents. He did not blame him for his foolishness in trusting and believing in the things Trent Ikathon had said. Could Essek really be given the same grace?

Around the time that Caleb was just beginning to descend out of the room, Essek’s mind finally caught up with what he had said.

“No!” Essek shouted. “No. No. I did not mean it this way. I just-“ Essek took a breath and felt the mask slipping away and for once he allowed himself to be laid bare in front of someone. Caleb rose back up to his level. “I don’t know if I have ever been loved in the way that you have described. It simply took me a moment to understand. You spoke of loving parents, but I have never been more than a means to end for my family. I was a product of incredible amounts of pressure but never loving care or attention. I was to be useful. Then I became the shadowhand and I had to be distant from the rest. It was my duty to be useful to the bright queen, but it only alienated me further from my peers. It made it easy to betray them when the chance was offered because I had never been close with any of them. I regret so much of what I have done, all the pain that I have caused” Essek grabbed at his own hair and Caleb was surprised to see him allowing himself to be this expressive “but it is made far worse now knowing what friendship and love can be like. To think that I caused people to go off and fight in a war that did not matter and worse that both sides felt losses comparable to what I would feel if you were to be harmed. It feels almost unbearable to know that I could have caused that much pain” Essek began sputtering, tears streaming down his face. “And still, you stand before me and say that I am worthy of redemption and that I am worthy of love?” Essek was ranting now but it was as if so many of the feelings he had always held down couldn’t help but burst forth now that they were given a small bit of freedom. Caleb wrapped his arms around him and held him close, with one hand stroking his hair. Essek rambled on “you had it right when you said I had missed an essential lesson along the way. How could I have been so blinded by my research and studies to never see that the people they would benefit were the point, not knowledge for knowledge’s own sake? And still, you hold me as if I am something precious rather than wretched. It is a kindness greater than I deserve for truthfully, I can tell that you know the weight of what you have done, but until today, until now, I still had never comprehended the depths of the pain my actions caused… to so many.”

At this Essek dissolved into sobs and Caleb held him through them. He kept stroking Essek’s hair and gave him small soft kisses on the top of his hair and waited for the sobbing to peter out. He did everything he wished someone could have done for him when he was going through this. Eventually it seemed Essek had cried himself out. He was still shaking and there were tear lines stained into his purple skin, but he pulled himself back a little to look at Caleb. Before Essek could apologize again Caleb said again:

“It takes time.” Essek nodded sadly and put his hand out for Caleb who clasped it and kissed it his knuckles lightly. “But.” Caleb continued “that does not mean you must spend it alone. I meant what I said. If you wish to be loved and reminded of all the things you are worth and what makes the moment worth living in, I am happy to offer that to you. And perhaps together we can work to make the world a little bit better than when we found it ja? So no other young people go unloved or get led astray?”

Essek was still feeling a whole spectrum of emotions but was able to centre himself enough to unabashedly meet Caleb’s eyes and spoke.

“Yes, I think I would very much like to do that, but with one stipulation.” Caleb smiled at the return of some of Essek’s former, confident demeanor “I know you have many in your life with more experience in affection than I, but I would like to offer my love, as … untested as it imay be, in trade. Together we can hypothesize,experiment and test its bounds until you believe it is up to your standards? Do these conditions seem fair to you?” Caleb was smiling in a way that made Essek pleased, and caused him to consider being reckless once more.

“Ja I think that is accepta-” and before Caleb could finish, Essek pulled him into a kiss. He wrapped his arms around Caleb’s waist and Caleb’s hands found their way into Essek’s hair. They kissed deeply and with the release of the many conflicting emotions both of them had felt over the past weeks.

Essek found the texture of Caleb’s lips and stubble to be a bit surprising but planned on savouring every bit of the feeling. He approached this kiss almost like learning a new spell from Caleb, and followed his lead through the unfamiliar, for though Essek had kissed before, never with much feeling behind it, and this was an entirely different experience. His heart was pounding in his ears, his chest felt full of fireworks and there was something that felt hooked inside of both of them, drawing them closer. It was a startling powerful sensation.

Caleb was surprised not only by the kiss but by the intensity it quickly developed. He felt Essek’s hands pushing into his back and keeping him close, and the soft strands of essek’s hair moving beneath his fingers and the warmth of Essek’s lips and was intoxicated, drinking in every last bit of the experience that he could.

Finally, they broke apart, both flushed and breathing heavily. Essek found himself smoothing down the front of Caleb’s shirt for something to do and pulling a few pieces of cat hair off of it as he asked:

“May I ask something of your path to redemption?” He continued to try to compose his features but couldn’t resist the smile that kept making itself known on his face. It was a broader smile than Caleb had ever seen on Essek and it made his chest squeeze. He thought it would be a new mission of his to procure that smile more often.

“Yes Essek?”

“If we do not have to be alone, are we also allowed happiness? For I must admit that I think this is the happiest I have been in… sometime, perhaps ever.” Caleb thought and looked serious.

“I think so yes. I have to believe that is so.”

“In that case, I think we should kiss more often.” And at that Caleb laughed a full and genuine laugh and kissed Essek on the cheek following by cupping his face in his hands, allowing his thumb draw over the spot that was just kissed.

“Ja. That can certainly be arranged.” and he pulled Essek’s face down for another kiss on the forehead. “But for tonight I think it best if we both get some rest.” He grabbed Essek’s hand once more and descended into the tower, closing doorways behind them until they stopped at Essek’s room.

“I think I may need some time to wind down after all of that” Essek admitted.

“I think I shall be similar.” Caleb agreed.

“In that case, do you wish to read a while with me? Only I had noticed someone had placed 2 chairs in my reading nook.” Essek said with a conspiratorial smile. Caleb seemed to debate with himself a moment before coming in.

“But if I do not recover my spells, I will have to blame you Theylyss.”

“These terms are acceptable to me” Essek replied with a smile that belied his serious tone. And they each took an armchair and began reading, with their hands held between them.

Eventually Essek awoke from a trance he hadn’t even noticed he’d fallen into. His book had fallen into his lap and his hand had drifted out of Caleb’s somewhere in the night. He only required a short trance to be rested but Caleb would need more sleep and was currently snoring lightly from his armchair. Essek cautiously placed both of their books aside and used his levitation spell to float Caleb gently over to the bed. He tucked Caleb in and gave him the gentlest kiss on the forehead and then used the chalkboard above the bed to scrawl I was worried about your neck and shoulders which he felt had just the right amount of cheeky touch.

Essek pondered getting into the bed as well but felt it may be too presumptuous, so instead he sat at the desk at his study and began writing out the events of the night, hoping to capture it’s every detail. Though he had a good memory, he hoped to preserve this turning point for himself the way Caleb preserved history in his rooms upstairs. So, he wrote while Caleb slept.

When the hustle and bustle of the others moving about the tower finally awoke Caleb, he had the moment of concern that arises when waking in a different spot than where you fell asleep, until he saw the message above the bed and smiled to himself.

“The world better watch out if one kiss is all it takes to get Essek Theylyss to start writing jokes” Caleb called out to the room.

Essek came over, looking somehow more perfect than ever this morning (Caleb being unaware that Essek had fussed by the mirror for 20 minutes for the perfectly tousled look…) and handed Caleb a coffee that he had summoned via the cat system. Caleb took it gratefully as he sat up in bed and Essek came to sit next to him on the edge of the bed.

“Imagine what will happen after 2,3 or even 100 kisses?” Caleb continued his jibe. Essek simply raised an eyebrow at him:

“I suppose we will have to test it to find out.”  

“I suppose we will” Caleb replied with a grin.

[holysweetsenthusiast]

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[k-s-morgan]

Hannibal Is Not a Psychopath: Criteria and Examples

The question of whether Hannibal is a psychopath often comes up. I'd like to start right with TL;DR: no, Hannibal is not a psychopath. It's confirmed in the show textually, with it being said that he's something that can't be defined and that doctors are confused as to what to label him with.

Evidence: E8 of S3.

ALANA: You've long been regarded by your peers in psychiatry as something entirely Other. For convenience, they term you a monster.

HANNIBAL: What do you term me?

ALANA: I don't. You defy categorization.

That's the point of the show. It happens in a heightened reality where labels don't really exist (which is why I think there is no point in such analysis as this, but like I said, it’s for people who keep calling him a psychopath). Both Will and Hannibal are deeply unique, they do have some psychopathic traits, but all in all, their profiles are entirely fictional. You can also see this thread for what Bryan Fuller and Mads Mikkelsen say about this topic. Here are some highlights.

Bryan Fuller: Hannibal Lecter is unique in his crazy. He’s not a psychopath, because he experiences regret. And he’s not a sociopath, because he experiences empathy. So he is unique in his crazy, and that gives him a higher sensibility than just a mortal man ... one of the things that we talked about in our first meeting was not so much about playing Hannibal as the cannibal psychiatrist, as previously portrayed by other actors, but more like Lucifer and how he was a dark angel who had this affinity for mankind and a fascination with the human condition.

Now, let's move on to the actual practical examples from the show as related to two most common models devised for assessing a person with a possible psychopathy.

DSM-5 Criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a.Identity: Ego-centrism; self-esteem derived from personal gain, power, or pleasure.

Ego-centrism.

Standard definition of ego-centrism is an "excessive interest in oneself and concern for one's own welfare or advantage at the expense of others". From S1, Hannibal is doing what he thinks is best to help people he finds interesting at the expense of his own safety and peace. Will is the brightest example (he always is). Hannibal senses a killer in him, understands Will subdues his true self, and he does everything in his power to help him Become. Here's what he says to Bedelia about it in E12 of S1, explaining what he wants to do with Will:

Hannibal: "Madness can be a medicine for the modern world. You take it in moderation, it's beneficial. ... Side effects can be temporary. They can be a boost to our psychological immune systems to help fight the existential crises..." Translation: Hannibal is using Will's illness in S1 to blur his self-control and get him to admit who he is so that Will could free himself of his self-acceptance crisis.

He says the same to Will in E1 of S2: "Our conversations, Will, were only ever about you opening your eyes to the truth of who you are."

Bedelia confirms it to Will in E2 of S2: "It may be small comfort, but I am convinced Hannibal has done what he believes is best for you."

Finally, Will admits it's true many times. One of them happens in S3 during his conversation with Chiyoh: "I've never known myself as well as I know myself when I'm with him."

Conclusion: Hannibal is really trying to help Will be himself and he succeeds in it. Furthermore, he does it at the expense of his safety.

Hannibal endangers himself from S1 the closer he gets to Will. In E9 of S1, Will learns that he helped Abigail bury the body of Nick Boyle. Hannibal's first instinct is to protect himself, so he reaches for the scalpel. But he immediately changes his mind. He takes a risk, choosing to explain his reasoning to Will. He places himself in danger - he did it back when he helped Abigail with the body (because he wanted to help her, too, and he wanted her to be a part of his and Will's family). He protects Will to the point where Jack grows suspicious and comes to talk to Bedelia about it. When Bedelia tells Hannibal that he should take a step back because he's getting too personal and endangers himself, Hannibal downright refuses.

He risks his life in an attempt to make Will free himself, too. He nearly dies after Will sends Matthew to attack him in E5 of S2 and he doesn't press charges - on the contrary, he's happy and he frees Will from the prison for that. He makes a conscious effort not to react in E7 of S2 when Will points a gun at him (just as what he did in E13 of S1). Will could shoot him any time but Hannibal places the need to help him Become above his safety. He's ready to dismantle his good life and run away with Will in the second half of S2. He gives up his freedom literally in S3 to prove to Will that he places him above himself. He proves it again by showing that he's willing to die for him: first, he agrees to Will's plan with the Dragon, knowing Will is planning something but not caring what it results in, perfectly willing to give Will all the control. He shields Will from the bullet at the expense of his safety again, talking about sacrifice and love. He lets Will push them off the cliff.

Conclusion: All this actions show that Hannibal is not overly ego-centric. He's capable of putting other people's needs above himself. Will is far from being the only example. Abigail, Bella, Margot, and Bedelia also fit here. Some could say that Hannibal does all this for Will just because he's in love with him. Yes, he wants to be family with Will in the end of this whole process, but it means that his final goal is their mutual happiness, not something just for his benefit. He knows Will is lonely (Will admits it himself several times in all seasons). He knows Will is going to be much happier after Becoming. Will's words (including those above) prove it.

Self-esteem.

Hannibal has a high self-esteem but it's not derived from the mentioned superficial elements. He has every reason to think highly of himself: he's extremely educated, he helped many people make their lives better (from common patients to people like Randall, who accepted themselves and became happy in their way), he is talented (he plays different instruments, he's an excellent and creative cook, he's fluet in several languages), he has excellent manners, etc. So, his self-esteem does not depend on gain, power, or pleasure.

b.Self-direction: Goal-setting based on personal gratification; absence of prosocial internal standards associated with failure to conform to lawful or culturally normative ethical behavior.

Hannibal's plan are as self-motivated as every person's. For instance, he wants a family with Will. Many people want to have families. But like it was said above, Hannibal doesn't focus only on himself here. He risks to protect Will's interests and he's willing to be put away so Will could be free to make his own decision, even if it doesn't include him. That's love, not personal gratification. He works with patients not just to tell himself what a clever man he is, he's genuinely concerned about them. He shares his worries about making Franklyn feel powerless in S1 with Bedelia. He tries to protect Franklyn and asks Tobias not to kill him. So, his goals are not aimed at his own gratification excessively.

Hannibal has a complex philosophy that doesn't fit the above criteria about prosocial internal standards. He doesn't have a lack of the desire to meet them: on the contrary, he wants to make this world beautiful. As he tells Will in S2, "Discourtesy is unspeakably ugly to me." He doesn't kill random people. He kills rude people that ruin the norms of ethical behavior. Hannibal is very active in being prosocial in his way: for instance, he kills a politician who ruined the forest where rare birds nested to build a parking lot. He killed a homophobic doctor. Hannibal has solid prosocial principles that aim to restore beauty and harmony in this world. He's a monster for sure, but he has principles that make everyone question themselves. Even cannibalism: people act all horrified when they learn they ate other people, but everyone is so joyful about eating animals who can think, feel, and who are smarter than many actual people. Double-standards provide for endless discussions.

Conclusion: Hannibal doesn't meet any of the above two major criteria. It already means he's not a clinical psychopath. But let's move forward.

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a.Empathy. Lack of concern for feelings, needs, or suffering of others; lack of remorse after hurting or mistreating another.

This doesn't fit Hannibal either. Like Bryan Fuller's quote above confirms, he does experience empathy and regret. It's obvious in the show as well: for instance, in E7 of S3, he writes formulas to reverse time (which is the embodiment of regret). He regrets hurting Will and he asks him if maybe the tea-cup can still be mended. In E8 of S2, he himself says: "A life without regret would be no life at all." He's almost crying in E11 of S2 when he and Will discuss Abigail. Will expresses his pain at the loss and Hannibal says: "I'm sorry I took that from you. I wish I could give it back." Note that he does intend to give Abigail back to Will: he left her to live because he wants them to reunite. He also tries to soothe Will's pain by hinting at the truth: "Occasionally, I drop a teacup to shatter on the floor on purpose. I'm not satisfied when it doesn't gather itself up again. Someday, perhaps, that cup will come together."

In E13 of S2, Hannibal is devastated to learn of Will's betrayal, but he understands his conflict. He gives him another chance, telling him, "I don't need a sacrifice." When he tells Will he forgives him later, he asks: "Will you forgive me?" This shows that he understands regret intimately. These (just a few out of many) examples prove that he cares about Will's feelings.

He's crying as he walks in the rain, leaving people he loved bleeding. He regrets the ruined plans and he accepts he's to blame to an extent. When in E3 of S3 Bedelia asks him whether Will betrayed him or vice versa, Hannibal replies: "I'm vague on these details." It means that after some time passed, he analyzed the situation and he's no longer sure he did the right thing. This is regret, too. Furthermore, he becomes self-destructive, which Bedelia notices and calls him out on. He doesn't fight against Jack, letting him beat him up, torture him, and almost kill him. Hannibal is an emotional wreck at that point: he agonizes over what happened with Will, he regrets what he did, and he clearly hates himself enough for it to torture himself like this.

I already described the risks Hannibal took to take care of Will's needs in the first section. In addition, he tells Will in S3 finale: "My compassion for you is inconvenient." Despite being hurt after covering him from the bullet, he tries to protect Will again and again. He cares about his suffering and he can't watch him be hurt.

Hannibal also empathizes with Bella, sometimes looking moved to tears. He gives her a chance to die as she wishes by tossing a coin, even though it could lead him to numerous problems with Jack. It's terrible for every normal therapist to have a patient who committed suicide. It's even worse when it happened right in their office, and it's 100 times worse for a serial killer who's one step away from being suspected. The fact that he even gives her a chance tells a lot. He's crying as he sends a grieving letter to Jack after Bella's death.

Hannibal understood Abigail's feelings and suffering and he cared about them, too. He tried to alleviate them. He was annoyed with her in E9 of S1 because she endangered him by digging up Nick's body. Instead of getting rid of her or protecting himself, he just gave her a warning. He tried to defend her in Will's eyes later in this episode. The only explanation for his actions is that he understood where she was coming from despite not liking it. He knew she wasn't just thoughtless or malicious - he understood her turmoil.

Hannibal also understands killers like Will, which proves he has empathy. As Will said about James Grey in E of S2, "Whoever he is, this second killer understood the Muralist well enough to find his canvas. Well enough to convince him to be part of it." Same goes to Randall and Francis, both of whom admit Hannibal understood them better than anyone else. There are many, many more other examples proving that Hannibal has empathy and cares about feelings of some people very deeply.

b.Intimacy. Incapacity for mutually intimate relationships, as exploitation is a primary means of relating to others, including by deceit and coercion; use of dominance or intimidation to control others.

I don't think much is needed to be said here since many examples were already covered. Hannibal and Will have an absolutely mutual relationship that's incredibly deep on all levels. As Will says in E4 of S3: "We have a mutually-unspoken pact to ignore the worst in one another in order to continue enjoying the best." Will chooses Hannibal every time. Hannibal's whole life revolves around Will. He's ready to go to prison for him, he;s ready to die for him, and he's ready to do all possible sacrifices.

Hannibal used deception with Will in S1 to a degree, but this had its own goal (to make WiLL feel better in the end), and the deception was gone for the majority of S2 and S3. Bedelia says in E12 of S2: "What he does is not coercion, it is persuasion." Hannibal tries to get people to see why they should be themselves instead of forcing them to do anything (and he does that since he can relate to them, which proves his empathy once again). Will had darkness in him from the start (which is proven in E2 of S1), so he did find comfort in Hannibal's words. For the majority of time, and all the time emotionally, Hannibal is honest with Will.

He doesn't try to dominate or control Will. He admires how unpredictable Will is in E8 of S2: "With all my knowledge and intrusion, I could never entirely predict you." He admits that Will has power over him in E8 of S3: "I discovered you [in my Mind Palace]... victorious." He doesn't exploitate him either as he truly wants what's best for him. He admits he's in love with him and says he loves him two different times. So Hannibal is capable of love, and his feelings are returned because Will finds his own unique equal in him. He tells Jack that he wants to run with Hannibal twice in S3, he keeps seeking him out, and he chooses him over everyone and everything. The last scene of the show with them eating Bedelia together shows that they're now in comfortable dark companionship where they hunt together.

Conclusion: Hannibal doesn't meet any of these two criteria, never mind both of them.

Now, the standard Hare Psychopathy Checklist. I'll list only those traits pointed here that have relevance (for instance, I'll ignore such points as "Previous diagnosis as psychopath", "Frequent marital relationships", "Poor probation or parole risk", etc.)

1. Glibness/superficial charm: yes. Hannibal is charming for sure and he talks very, very smoothly.

2. Egocentricity/grandiose sense of self-worth: not really. It was already discussed above. Hannibal does like to "defy God", as Will says in E2 of S3, but his beliefs are fully supported by his actions. He's also not self-absorbed and can put others above himself.

3. Proneness to boredom/low frustration tolerance: no. Hannibal enjoys life deeply, always finding something to do, and he's extremely patient even in most aggravating situations. It ranges form annoying patients like Franklyn to Will, whose hypocrisy and self-doubt Hannibal tolerates lovingly till the very end.

4. Pathological lying and deception: no. Hannibal lies when he must, for good reasons. On the contrary, he tends to be funnily honest with his cannibal puns people choose to ignore. For example, when Alana asks what's in her beer, he tells her he can answer only with "yes" or "no" questions, implying he'd tell her the truth if she guessed it. Same thing happens in E11 of S3:

ALANA: I called him. To confirm that he hasn't called you. Not since you've been declared insane.

HANNIBAL: I could have told you that.

ALANA BLOOM: If only I'd known to ask.

HANNIBAL: If only.

ALANA BLOOM: Would you have told me the truth?

HANNIBAL: In my own way, I always have.

5. Conning/lack of sincerity: yes and no. Obviously, being a murderer, Hannibal smoothly misleads many people. At the same time, both Bryan and Mads confirmed Hannibal tends to be emotionally honest, and it's evident in the show as well. He's sincere about loving Will, caring about Abigail and Margot, respecting Alana and finding her physically attractive, respecting Jack and Bella, etc.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt: no. It was already discussed.

7. Lack of affect and emotional depth: no. Many examples were given to show Hannibal's emotional depth. Also, he cries in the opera in E7 of S1. It proves that he has enough “depth” to feel moved and touched by the song. He cries when writing down the poem about loss to Jack in E5 of S3. He cries because of Will several times, falls into deep depression in S3, and so on. Psychopaths can't do all that, especially crying genuinely for such reasons.

8. Callous/lack of empathy: no. It was already discussed. Hannibal can be very cruel, true, but he does have empathy and motivation.

9. Parasitic lifestyle: no. I don't think I should explain that) Hannibal is entirely financially independent.

10. Short-tempered/poor behavioral controls: no. Hannibal can indeed be emotional and impulsive, but he's patient and in perfect control in the majority of instances. He flew into rage after Will broke his heart, but it's natural in such circumstances (of course, killing and maiming people is not normal, but I'm talking about short temper in general. Hannibal doesn't have one. Examples of his patience are above.).

11. Promiscuous sexual relations: no. He slept with Alana for a while, who he knew and respected. He flirted with Anthony and seemed ready to sleep with him, but that's it. Hannibal isn't shown as overly caring about sex and he's focused on Will entirely.

12. Early behavior problems. Difficult to say since his backstory is a mystery in the show for the most part. He did seem to start killing early, so most likely it's a yes.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term plans: no. Hannibal's plans are meticulous and realistic, and he's fighting hard to achieve them (see Hannibal's attempt to make a family with Will). Another example: he's a very prolific killer who stayed hidden for ages and gave himself up in the end only for the man he loves, not because he was caught. So he makes and executes long-term plans perfectly.

14. Impulsivity: no. Hannibal can be impulsive as any other person, it's not excessive.

15. Irresponsible behavior as parent: not really... he tried to protect Abigail at all costs. He encouraged her killing, but I'm not sure if it can be classified as irresponsible, considering who Hannibal and Abigail are and what this show is about.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions: no. Hannibal understands when he's wrong and he accepts the consequences. He takes pride in most of his kills, he admits to Bedelia that he made mistakes, he understands Will struggles to forgive him and apologizes for his actions, etc.

17. Many types of offense: yes.

18. Drug or alcohol abuse: no.

Out of 18 items, we have only 3 hard yes. That's a very low score.

Major conclusion: Hannibal does have some psychopathic traits. He's also cruel and he shows some sadistic tendencies, but he's not a psychopath at all. He can feel deeply and he forms extremely strong emotional bonds. I doubt such people actually exist, but that makes him even more fascinating as a character.

[cutesuki--bakugou]

Hoodie

Pairing:  Bakugou x Koge (OC) Genre: Humor / Fluff Rating: Explicit Warnings: Masturbation, thigh fucking, humiliation, orgasm denial, dirty words and vulgar phrases 

a/n: Inspired by a stupid meme I found on Facebook ╮(╯∀╰)╭ Might do a pt. 2 at... some point. Enjoy anyways~

BTW, please blacklist the tag cutesuki-lemons if you do not want to see this content from my blog. I will no longer be tagging with specific keywords for this type of content.Thank you~

Due to the nature of this post, the characters are 18+

Under the cut~

“Is that what I think it is?!” Koge couldn’t restrain the excited squeak in her voice, fingers over her lips as she gazed upon the form of her lover. Bakugou had come home a bit later than normal, having to attend a meeting about the subject of Koges current excitement. That thing being, the very first sample of his hero brands' clothing line: a hoodie. Although it was a bit oversized for him, the large red X and green accents were eye-catching and made it clear exactly what the garment was supposed to represent. Simple, but stunning, and Koge found herself loving it immediately.

Setting down his duffel bag, Bakugou glowered at his longtime girlfriend in annoyance of her chipper excitement. “Yes. Not even going to say ‘hi’?”

Koge put down the shirt in her hand, abandoning laundry in favor of hugging him. “Welcome home, Katsuki. I can’t believe it finally came in!” She gave a small hum in happiness as he squeezed her back, sharing a kiss before releasing each other.

“Took damn long enough. But yeah, it’s not bad.” Bakugou took hold of the end of the hoodie, pulling it taught to look at the design. “Might change the fabric but the design is fucking on point. They did well.”

“You did good, Katsuki.” Koge smiled as she observed it, before looking up at him to catch the red flushing of his ears. “You designed it, after all. It’s the only sample?”

“Nah, I have a… hat and some other shit in my bag. You can check it out if you want, I need to piss.” As he pulled both his hoodie and work shirt off in one fell swoop, he tossed them into the bed and grabbed a pair of sweatpants from the clean laundry basket. “Thanks for getting my laundry down.”

“Of course, love. You didn’t put it too high on the line this time so I could reach it all.” Koge had her eyes on him at every moment, and the instant he shut the bathroom door behind him, the hoodie was in her hands. After first removing his shirt that was all tangled up inside, she looked over every inch of it. What made it even more enticing to her at the moment was that it smelled like him, and she very much found herself wanting to wear it. So, while he was still changing, she stripped herself of her t-shirt and shorts to leave her in just a pair of panties.

The hoodie, of course, swallowed her completely. It ended right at her upper thigh, with the sleeves falling way past her hands. That was of little consequence, however, as that was how all his clothes ever fit her. This one was special, though. It was his very first merchandise for his brand, a sign of his improvement and proof that he was climbing the popularity ladder. In fact, it made her so proud she nearly felt the urge to cry, wanting to just hug and squeeze her lover for his accomplishments.

“I just got that and you already took it. Seriously, Utsuro?”

Koge turned to look up at Bakugou, who was glowering down at her. Still, she wasn’t bothered by his comment, holding her arms out and waving them a bit. “I had to try it! I’m just so happy for you, Katsuki, you finally have your own merch! I’m so proud of you!”

Becoming a bit bashful with her praise, Bakugou huffed as he shoved his hands into his pockets. Though, it wasn’t just her words making him lock up. She looked so damn adorable, the hoodie reminding him just how petite she was. The flushed and happy smile on her face didn’t help, and he wanted to just scoop her up and squeeze her.

“Alright, alright, Utsuro, stop ranting!” Bakugou latched his arms around her, pulling her to him and placing a rough kiss on her cheek. Laughing softly, Koge wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him back just as tightly as he nearly lifted her off the ground.

“I’m not ranting, Katsuki! I’m just so proud of you. You’ll be the top hero in no time.” She caught his lips in a kiss, her stomach fluttering at the way he caressed her body, as if he loved the feeling of her form beneath the fabric of the hoodie. “My big strong hero… Now I get to rep you everywhere I go.”

Bakugou couldn’t resist a smirk against her lips, the boost of his ego breaking through the temporary embarrassment. “Oh yeah? Gonna rep as my number one fan?”

“All day, every day, babe. You’ve always been my number one.”

“Of course I fucking have. Because I’m the best.” Placing her back down on her feet normal, Bakugou gave her another kiss as he gave her backside a few good smacks. “It looks good on you, though.”

Releasing him as he set her free, Koge looked down at herself. “Yeah? It’s so big.”

“Yeah, it is. But you like big things. Just like my dic-“

“Dinner!” Koge cut in, a sly smirk on her lips as she snatched his hand to lead him towards the kitchen. “Your dinner, of course.”

“No, I meant my dick.” Another hard smack to her ass made Koge squeak, hopping away from him to avoid further spankings.

“Don’t be dirty, Katsuki- ah, hey!” She stumbled backward as Bakugou snatched onto the hood, giving it the smallest tug to yank her back to him. Her back against him, she quickly found herself trapped with one hand on her hip while the other took hold of her chin, keeping her head still to place a firm kiss on her cheek. Before she could protest, his lips moved to her ear, the deep growl of his voice instantly making her body flush with heat.

“Can’t help it. You look so fucking hot in my hoodie, Utsuro.” With a rough nibble to a particularly sensitive spot on Koge’s neck right under her ear, both of his hands moved to caress her breasts on the outside of the hoodie. Her hands having been in the large pocket in the front garment, Koge found herself unable to move away from him, if she had wanted to in the first place. The fact that he was so excited just from her wearing this new clothing made her feel a bit… victorious. She had been stealing and wearing his clothes, from t-shirts to boxers, ever since they started dating nearly seven years ago. In the beginning, he had always been sexually drawn to her when she put on his clothes, but now he was used to it. Seeing her in his very first hero branded merch, though? That was new and Koge wasn’t going to miss out on this for anything, not even the food that was growing cold on the stove.

As a soft gasp escaped her lips, her body tingling from head to toe, she couldn’t take her eyes off the way his hands moved, massaging and pinching her nipples through the fabric. A particularly rough squeeze and a bite to her sensitive skin forced a moan from her, leaning her head back against him as she nibbled at her bottom lip. “Mmm… What does that make you want to do, Katsuki?”

“Makes me want to fuck you in it.” Turning them a bit, he shoved her towards the couch, prompting her to sit upon it with her knees. Holding onto the back, Koge provocatively displayed her backside to him, swaying her hips teasingly. The hoodie still didn’t uncover her body, covering up just to the edge of the curve of her ass, only a hint of her pale blue underwear peeking out at him.

“Yeah? Does it turn you on to see me in your hero merch?” Koge slipped a hand between her legs, the way she teased her sex mostly obscured by the clothing. It was still enough to excite Bakugou more, who placed one burning hand on her backside with the other removed himself from his sweatpants. Koge could feel how burning hot his palm was even with the fabric between their skin, a small smirk crossing her lips as she continued her teasing with soft moans and arching her back to press her ass closer to him. “Look how hot I am for you, Katsuki. How horny it makes me to know just how hard I make you. Don’t you want to fuck me?” Her entire body shivered as he pushed the hoodie up to reveal her ass to him, a squeak from her lips following a hard slap to her skin.

“I want to fucking destroy you.” With a tug on the hoodie, Bakugou pulled her upper body back against him, one hand gripping onto her throat. The other moved to shift her underwear to the side, though instead of entering her, he let his cock rest between her legs. Her hot and soaked underwear helped keep him snug against her sex as he began to rock his hips. The feeling of his hard cock stroking against her clit made Koge’s entire body tingle with pleasure. For now, his movements were slow and rough, both hands moving to squeeze and tease her breasts again. Koge wasn’t sure what had him taking his time, but she couldn’t complain, willing to take and do anything he wanted just so he would pleasure her.

In fact, she could already feel herself starting to become lost in the slow and sensual pleasure, her head leaning back against him. With very little prompting, she turned her head just enough to catch his lips in a kiss, unable to resist her soft moans as he increased his speed. She felt completely breathless as his tongue invaded her mouth, kissing her passionately and muffling her sounds of pleasure. Koge found herself completely enamored with the way he dominated over her, his strength and passion forcing her to submit his pleasures. Within minutes, she was already near cumming, though it was quite obvious to her that he was, as well.

Releasing her lips, he instead moved to her ear, one hand coming back up to grip her throat. “You’d do anything for me, wouldn’t you, Utsuro? Just so long as I make you cum.”

“Y-Yes, Katsuki-” Koge struggled to speak between her moans and his grip. “A-anything for you.”

Though, what she wanted wasn’t what she received. With a sly smirk against her cheek, Bakugou finished off with his final few thrusts, releasing his cum against her sex and into her underwear. At first, Koge was so shocked by the sudden heat that she tried to shift her hips away from him, though his arm wrapping around her waist and hugging her snug against him prevented that.

“W-wait, did you just finish? What about me?” Koge gripped onto the arm of the hand that still gripped her neck, her stomach fluttering with annoyance and arousal at the sound of him panting into her shoulder. “I was so close!”

“You’ll get it when I let you.” Bakugou gripped her chin, turning her head to catch her glare with his own. “My little horny Utsuro.” The smirk and words that came from his lips instantly crumbled her annoyance into the unbearable need for release, wanting so badly to move her hips.

“Please, Katsuki… please let me cum, I can’t take it.” She dug her nails into his arm as he removed his cock from between her legs, leaving her with nothing but the hot and gooey feeling of his cum. There was quite a bit staining her underwear, and as the fabric settled, she could feel it begin to dribble down her thigh. It was so hot along with her own mess, her mind already beginning to go insane without him inside her. “You’re so mean!”

“I’m going to give it to you. If you earn it.” Bakugou released her body, settling his cock back into his sweats while she turned to face him.

“I did earn it already!” Koge wrapped her arms around his neck, pouting up at him. “What do I have to do? I’ll put the fucking hat on if you want!”

Bakugou chuckled, his hands firmly on her hips. “No. You let our dinner get cold, Utsuro-“

“-that’s not all my fault-!”

“So we have to go get some take out. And you’re going dressed exactly how you are.” Bakugou kissed her lips, sliding his hands forward to grip and squeeze her backside. His touch only further made Koge aware of his mess in her underwear, though the thought of going outside like this made her incredibly hot. He had her wrapped around his little finger and he knew it, taking full advantage of her kinks and addictions to persuade her. Koge had no reason to protest, either. She may have been annoyed with him, but playing along was too enticing for her to ignore.

Bakugou continued after releasing the kiss, just his burning glare enough to make Koge feel breathless. “You’re going down the street with my cum in your underwear. Exactly as you should be, as my number one fan. If you’re a good girl, I’ll really give you something to moan about.”

[captainofthebrokentides]

Briefcases and Blood Splatter Chapter 2: Guilty Pleasures and Pool Benny Colon x OC

Thank you everyone who read the first chapter and enjoyed it! it’s always a boost when someone appreciates your work. It makes you work faster to get the next part out!! I hope you all enjoy this one!! let me know! :)   2453 words

The hours had ticked by without Olivia even noticing. The sun was beginning to dip behind the New York skyline, and TAC’s muted windows allowed the little lab to be flooded with a warm orange light. Beeps and whirs came from the temporary machinery, but she paid them no heed, bobbing her head rhythmically along to the music coming through her headphones.

She tapped her pen against the table, her dark eyes searching through the data that her earlier blood and hair analysis tests had provided, hoping to find any new information that had not been in the ‘welcome’ pack she had been given by Marissa.

“Blood-Alcohol level is high. 0.10. High, but not life threatening. Impaired, but not belligerent.” She thought to herself, chewing the cap of her pen, a habit she hadn’t been able to shake since university. “I need to get a test sample of the semen from Alyssa’s body and from the kid. Look and see if there’s blood content mixed in it, or any hallucinogen or toxin.”

She was so involved in the paperwork and her thoughts she hadn’t realised she had company, until he was standing beside her. That delicious smell of sandalwood, leather and citrus engulfed her nose, and she inhaled it happily, closing her eyes for a brief second to savour it.

Benny gently touched her shoulder to get her attention. She looked up at him, and saw his lips moving, but her music drowned out his words. She quickly removed her headphones and smiled up at him apologetically.

“Hey Benny, sorry, I was involved in …”

“The Lion King?” he cut her off with a smirk before she could finish her sentence.

The expression on his face made her mouth dry. Olivia had never been one to get all giggly and shy around men. Even the ones she found attractive. That was her friend Dawn, she normally stayed cool and collected, but there was something about Benny that had struck a cord from the moment the pair of them had made eye contact. It had been completely solidified when Cable and Danny had dropped in to introduce themselves and encouraged her to join them in peeking down into mock court. He oozed confidence while he paced back and forth in front of the jury. He was confident, but not arrogant. His voice full of heat, passion and strength. Olivia was sure she’d never seen someone put so much heart and soul into something that was essentially just an act. He had looked up towards the end of his closing argument and caught her eye. Without missing a beat he’d shot her a dashing smile and a subtle wink.

And in that moment Olivia knew she’d have to keep her wits about her around the lawyer, or she’d become one of those giggly girls she never thought she’d be.

“Sorry?” she said, furrowing her brow in confusion.

“Your headphones, I distinctly heard the opening beats to ‘I just can’t wait to be king’”

Olivia fought the blush that threatened to spider it’s way up her cheeks. She let out a slightly strained laugh instead. “You caught me.” She joked good naturedly “Everywhere I look in my job there’s doom and gloom. Its nice to listen to something light hearted, you know.” She wasn’t sure why she was explaining herself to him, the words just bubbled out of her throat. “So much death, and it’s always blood readings this, urinalysis that, I’m normally up to my elbows is some form of body fluid – and at home, if I’m in the morgue the people I’m working on don’t mind because you know, they’re dead …”

Benny said nothing, but listened to her talk with big smile on his face, showcasing his perfectly straight pearly whites and showing off his boyish dimples. His eyes were alight with amusement, but with no malice.

“I should really shut up, shouldn’t I? Because now I’m babbling at you, and you obviously came in here to ask me something, before I started waffling at you about the merits of Disney soundtracks.” She sighed and bit her lip. She put her pen down and flattened her hands out on the table to mentally and physically ground herself.  “I’ll try again. What can I do for you, Benny?”

The lawyer shook his head and laughed. It was a deep, smooth sound that Olivia had instantly come to adore, and she hadn’t spent that long in his company so far. ‘this man is going to be the death of me … but I think I could live with it.’ He gently placed a reassuring hand on top of hers, his fingers curling under her palms and giving the appendage a gentle squeeze.

“If I didn’t already like Disney, you’d have made me a convert.” His deep velvety tones were laced with humour.

“You’re a Disney fan?” the words and their surprised tone had slipped from Olivia’s mouth before she realised they had left her brain.

Benny snorted, “Of course.”

“You’re a dark horse aren’t you? Is the brooding, serious lawyer mask hiding more guilty pleasures?” and now she was flirting. Olivia could barely believe herself. But Benny didn’t seem to have a problem with it, although an intensity took over his dark eyes as he regarded her.

“There’s so much more to me than that, Miss Byrne. I’ll be happy to show you sometime.”

She was sure her ears weren’t deceiving her … was he … flirting back?

She bit her lip again and felt the blush course up her cheeks, unhindered this time. She swore he shifted his weight towards her, closing the gap between them a little more.

The temporary lab door swung open and Marissa wandered in, her head buried in a manilla TAC folder, as usual. Olivia was beginning to realise that was Marissa’s default during the planning stages of a case. Benny almost jumped, as if coming to his senses, and shuffled back to put a bit more space between them. Liv lamented the loss of his warmth by her side.

“Any luck with the blood and hair Liv?” Marissa asked looking up from her folder with a warm smile. She looked at Benny a little shocked. “Oh Benny …”

“I came to ask Olivia here if she’d like to join us at the bar for drinks tonight. Sort of a welcome thing.” He explained deftly. Olivia noted he’d left out any mention of Disney, or what they were really discussing when Marissa had interrupted.

Marissa nodded emphatically, “You should, it’ll be good to get to know you, and you us, a little better.”

Olivia chewed on her bottom lip. It had been a long day, and she’d not yet managed to return to her hotel and unpack her things, but she supposed one drink wouldn’t hurt. She did want to get to know them all, after all. “I really shouldn’t, as I’ve not even unpacked yet. But I want to keep that jet lag at bay. Gotta get myself properly in your time zone. I’ll come for one.”

Marissa grinned happily, and Benny nodded at her, still regarding her with that hot, intense gaze.

“One it is! There will be plenty more times. We’re only just getting started.” The blonde said. “But back to why I’m here. Any luck with the blood and hair?”

Olivia opened her own file and pointed to her results with her pen as she spoke, both Benny and Marissa looking over her shoulders.

“Not much more than you already had. I’ve got the tox and alcohol levels all rated and labelled for you. Is there any way I can get access to the body? I know an autopsy has already been performed, but I’d like to see a few things for myself.”

Marissa nodded, making some notes in her own file. “I will do my best, is there anything else I can do for you?”

Olivia busied herself closing up her notes and packing up her desk. “Yes, I need some semen.”

Benny made an audible choking noise. She glanced at him out the corner of her eye. It was her turn to smirk.

“Semen?” Marissa repeated, checking she was clear.

“Yep, a sample from the girl’s body and a living sample from Brandon so I can compare counts and check for abnormalities … ooh and if you can, a sample of what was on Brandon’s clothing for the night in question. In my experience, teenage boys aren’t exactly brilliantly skilled with their target practice, so it shouldn’t be too hard.”

She could see Benny’s shoulders moving as he chuckled under his breath.

“ok … I’m not sure how I’ll broach that subject, but I’ll do what I can. This could get awkward.”

“Yeah, sorry, I’ve got the easy bit this end.” Olivia shrugged apologetically.

“No problem, I’ll get this logged. See you at the bar.”

Benny gave Marissa a minute to exit before he turned to her with a devilish grin. “In your experience, huh?”

She laughed and lightly slapped his arm. She was very pleased to feel the hard sinew of bulging muscle beneath the finely tailored cloth he wore.

“Get your head out the gutter, I’m probably old enough to be his mum.”

“Probably more like a disapproving aunt.” He held his arm out to her like a gentleman when she threw her handbag over her shoulder. “Shall we?”

She willingly accepted his crooked elbow, and let him lead her from the room. “I used to work in a all boys boarding school while I was putting myself through uni. Trust me, there are a few things I wish I could unsee.”

 ***

“… And a passionfruit daquiri for our newest member of the family. We’re glad you’re here.” Chunk placed the glass of frosted cocktail down in front of her.

Olivia found herself seated around a large round table, sandwiched between Chunk and Cable, with Marissa and Danny opposite them. They were all laughing, joking and learning things about each other, but she always found her eyes straying to the pool table nearby, where Benny and Bull were in the middle of a heated game.

Benny was currently leaning against the bar, with his pool cue tucked safely behind one leg. He had discarded his suit jacket, waistcoat and tie. The collar of his light blue shirt open by a few buttons and the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The fabric did a wonderful job of showing off his muscles. He was laughing and baiting Bull, nursing what was left of his scotch. Occasionally his eyes would flicker up and meet hers, and he would smile, a soft smile.

“So where did you say you trained in medicine?” Danny asked jovially, catching Olivia’s attention.

“Oh, Southampton, it’s not a big city or a prestigious university, but it was homely.”

“Southampton …” Chunk tapped his fingers on the table in thought, “Where the Titanic sailed from?”

Olivia nodded, taking a mouthful of her drink and sighing, it was just what she needed, “That’s the place.”

“I’ve only ever seen London, I’d like to go back and travel around, see Cornwall and places like that, I hear they’re beautiful.” Marissa said dreamily.

“Cornwall is gorgeous, have you ever had a proper British cream tea?”

“Shhhh, don’t mention food, Benny has the hearing of a bat when it comes to food.” Danny laughed. Olivia too giggled and watched the subject of their conversation through her eyelashes. He was leaning over the pool table, lining his cue up to take a shot. She tried not to openly ogle his ass too much, she’d barely been in their company a day, she didn’t want a reputation, but she had to admit, it was hard.

“Seriously, I’ve never seen someone eat like he does. I’m surprised he’s not fat.” Chunk held his hands up.

“And he’s like a child if he gets hungry, so if he is, I’d make a break for it Liv, save yourself!!” Cable laughed and made a dramatic hand gesture.

“I’m sure I can handle him.” She laughed too. “I’ll bring you all some if I get a chance to make some scones.”

There was a loud pop as the final ball of the pool game was potted, and Bull whooped in victory. “And that my friend is why you need to keep your head in the game.” He sounded smug, and Benny slumped onto his bar stool in defeat, rubbing the back of his neck.

“How about you, new girl, play pool much?” Bull asked her, looking at her over the top of his glasses.

Liv shook her head. “Not really, a couple of times at uni, and when I was young.”

“Come play the next game with me, I promise I wont clean out your wallet unlike Benny here.”

Everyone was watching her to gauge her reaction, it was Bull’s way of testing her mettle in a friendly manner, to see if she fit in with his little ‘family’.

“I don’t play much, I might need a few pointers.” She excused herself from the group and joined the two men at the pool table, she was determined to show Bull that she could hold her own.

“I’ll help you.” Benny said smoothly, finishing his drink and letting his eyes linger on her with that burning intensity.

“Thank you, Benny.” She said sweetly, taking the cue from his outstretched hand. Their fingers brushed against each other and Liv felt her tummy jingle with butterflies.

“My pleasure.” It was almost a hungry growl, gravelly, low and almost erotic.

“And I will enjoy beating you both.” Bull said loudly destroying the moment between them.

“Take him down a peg, Liv!” cheered Chunk and Cable.

Olivia grinned and gave them a thumbs up.

“Your break” Bull said lining up the balls in their starter positions.

“Ok, so if you line up your cue here …” Benny placed one hand on the table where he was indicating and used his other to guide her to the table, his touch warm and secure on the bottom of her back.

She lined the cue up against his hand and looked down the shaft of wood. “Like this?”

“Mhmm, but a little closer, and lower … like this …” Benny encircled her body with his arms, his chin resting on her shoulder, so he could see. He was warm against her back, and Olivia couldn’t help the big, goofy grin on her face at the contact.

Across the other side of the table Bull smirked, satisfied with himself as he watched the pair of them. He looked at Marissa, who shook her head with a resigned smile.

@reelovesbennycolon​

[brainsmut]

We've seen a case of the Slipperies, but what other strange conditions could happen to an altean?

((I went into an idea of a problem Sacred Alteans might have in an entire series of NSFW fics once... Oooh! What if the opposite of that problem (too much quintessence) happened?))

“Where’s Allura?” Coran asked.

“Still asleep,” Shiro said as he walked onto the bridge. “I tried to wake her; she just opened her eyes, mumbled something in sleepy-Altean, and rolled over again.”

Coran frowned. “Look, normally I wouldn’t ask, but have you two been... together recently?”

Shiro blushed. “Of course we have.”

“How recently?”

“Why?”

“Just answer the question.”

Shiro thought back. “It’s been... about a movement.”

“I doubt that’s normal. I mean, she’s her father’s daughter, after all.” Coran stroked his mustache in thought.

“Can you please just tell me what you’re getting at?”

“She might need a quintessence boost. Sacred Alteans can overspend their reserves if they’re not careful - and when have you ever known Allura to be ‘careful’?”

“Hm. Good point. Does she need to be in a cryo-replenisher?”

Coran nodded. “That’s the best way. See if you can rouse her and get her to the infirmary; I’ll get a pod set and ready.”

Shiro nodded and jogged off back to the room he shared with Allura now. She was still as he’d left her: curled up into the covers. He sat on the edge of the bed and shook her shoulder. “Allura. Allura, wake up.”

“Nnngh. Don’t wanna,” she mumbled. “Go ‘way.”

“Allura, Coran thinks you’ve overspent your quintessence reserves.”

“Maybe. Leave me ‘lone; they’ll recharge on their own if I rest ‘nuff.”

Shiro frowned. “Coran said the best way to recharge would be for you to spend some time in a cryo-replenisher.”

The reaction was immediate: Allura sat up and scooted away from Shiro, eyes wide as she pulled her knees up against her chest. “NO! NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

He frowned. “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “I won’t go back into a pod! I won’t! I WON’T!”

“Whoa, whoa, okay, settle down! I’m not going to haul you off and shove you in a pod if you don’t want to go in one, I promise.”

“You promise no pod?” she demanded.

“I swear on my love for you,” and she eased down. He held his arms open and she threw herself into them, latching onto him for a tight hug. He stroked her hair. “Is it because of the stasis you were in?”

She nodded against his chest. “Last time I went in one, I didn’t come out again for 10,000 years and when I did, everything was different and Father was dead and Altea was gone and...” She sniffled. “I won’t go back in. I refuse!”

“We’re just worried about you, Coran and I.” He continued petting her hair. “Is there any other way to recharge your quintessence besides letting you sleep? Normally I’d be all for you getting the rest, but we do need you awake at some point.”

“Well, rest would work, but take a lot of time. The cryo-replenisher would be the fastest way, but... there is another option. If you don’t mind helping me.”

He smiled softly. “You know I’m always happy to help you.” He nuzzled into her hair and kissed her head. “Just tell me what you need me to do.”

She looked up at him. “I can use your quintessence to keep me going when I need to be, and rest otherwise.”

His eyebrows went up. “Mine?”

“It... it’s technically draining you a little, but I don’t think you’ll mind the method.”

And now his brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

She smiled. “The best way for you to give me your quintessence is for you to make love to me. Better still if you spend yourself within me.”

“By ‘spend myself within you’, do you mean...?”

“Come inside me. It’s a biological fluid, full of potential life, after all. And I’m not in my fertile period, right now.”

“You are, as usual, correct, my princess.” He kissed her forehead. “I think I’ll like this method of helping you very much.”

She grinned but then yawned. “I’m still... feeling a bit drained...”

“Well then lay down, love,” he suggested.

She withdrew from his arms and laid back down. He leaned down to kiss her as his hand slid her nightgown up along her leg. He pulled away and bent to get his boots off, then his vest. He slid both hands along her legs, over her thighs, to hook his fingers in the sides of her panties and start tugging them down. He watched them slide down, all the way down, until they were clear of her feet, and he dropped them to the floor.

He spread her legs with his hands and slid his hand in between her thighs.

She sighed. “I do love what you do with your fingers, but it won’t be enough to...”

“That’s not the point,” he said. “Coran’s getting a pod ready for you as we speak, so we’ll have to be quick or he’s going to show up.” He locked his gaze, narrowed his eyes a little, let a smirk overtake his lips. “I need to get you wet enough to take me all the way in quickly.”

She blinked and then grinned. “An excellent point.” She spread her legs wider for him.

He slid three fingers into her at once, something he normally built up to. Her gasp melted into a moan as he caressed one of her most sensitive spots, summoning pleasure in quick, hard strokes. 

He slid up to her ear and whispered, “You like getting finger-fucked with my right hand, don’t you?” She liked dirty talk a lot, and he hadn’t been kidding about the need to move fast. He did not want Coran to catch them in the middle of things.

“Yes,” she panted. “Knowing they meant it... as a weapon... and you use it for... for this...”

“For what?” he asked.

“To pleasure me.”

“To get you wet.”

“Yes.”

“Get you off.”

“YES!”

“And maybe it’s... a bit naughty? This piece of Galra tech inside you, making you moan and drip...”

“Ohhh, Takashi, yes... Yes... Because it’s you, it’s you...”

“Just because it’s me?”

“YES. You and only you... my love...” She writhed around his hand. He beckoned her climax closer with his fingertips, all but demanding it, and when he could feel her teetering on the edge, he pulled out. 

“Get my pants open,” he said, pushing himself up so she’d have an easier time reaching. “My hand seems to be all wet.”

She giggled, her hands flying to release his cock. Hearing her moan, watching her writhe, knowing it was all for him - there was little that could get him harder faster than the pleasure Allura took in being with him.

She stroked his erection once it was free, but he shooed her hands away and settled over her. “Ready?”

“Very,” she purred, making sure her nightgown was hitched up and her legs were spread wide for him. 

He slid into her all at once - not hard, but direct, and she was so wet that it was easy to bury himself into her in one fast motion before her cunt clenched and she came. He held himself in check through her orgasm, and grinned when the tension melted out of her body. 

“It’s so amazing to be inside you when you come. You get so tight, and... fuck, you’re practically dripping out around my cock.” He couldn’t talk like this without blushing, but it didn’t matter. She bit her lip hearing him speak like that, and he pulled out enough to thrust into her hard.

She cried out and reached for him. He stayed up to watch her body react to being pounded like this, watching her breasts bounce beneath the nightgown with each thrust, her eyelids flutter closed, her lips parted as she panted for more.

She looked like a beautiful, delicate thing, but she was made of steel and twice as strong, and she’d told him many times that he didn’t have to treat her like she was made of glass. So he didn’t, still fearful of an interrupting Coran appearing. He pounded into her, knowing the head of his cock would be striking and rubbing the best, most tightly-coiled bundle of nerves within her and sending out shockwaves of pleasure through her body because of it. 

“My beautiful princess...” he moaned. “How you love being taken.”

“You... feel... so good... ahhh, more, Takashi, more!”

He closed his eyes and did lean down now. She wrapped him up in a tight embrace immediately and he focused on the sensation: her pussy gripping his cock tightly as he stabbed into the hot, wet center of her; her arms around him, hands tight fists in his shirt. She needed him, wanted him, and he couldn’t get enough of her, couldn’t stop wanting her and craving her desire for him. This amazing alien princess loves me and needs me and she gets off on my fucking her. 

“Allura...” he panted.

“Fill me, Takashi. I need your cum so badly... I need...” Her second orgasm hit.

That did it. It was like obeying a command. He flooded her, emptying himself in her hungry cunt. He rolled off of her as soon as he could move again and stared up at the ceiling as he caught his breath.

There was a chime at the door. “Princess?” Coran’s voice asked.

Shiro cursed under his breath, sitting up and tucking his cock away again. But Allura just rose from the bed, her nightgown falling over her legs, and walked over to answer the door. Shiro noticed it slid only part-way open. “Yes, Coran?”

He blinked. “Shiro said you were having trouble waking up?”

“I did want to stay in bed a bit, but I’m awake now,” she said pleasantly, sounding as normal as ever even to Shiro’s ears. “I’ll be along to the bridge in a few doboshes.”

“Oh. Well, you... you do seem to be okay.”

“You worry too much about me. You and Shiro both. I’m fine. But I’d like a shower before I get dressed?”

“Oh, yes, of course. I’ll see you on the bridge then.” The door shut and Allura turned to face Shiro, smiling. 

“There. No pods necessary.” 

He swung his legs off the bed to stand up. “You do look better.”

“I assure you, it’s temporary,” she told him. “But I do feel better, for now, anyway. According to the research I’ve done, this should last a few vargas.”

He frowned. “Only a few? There’s that meeting with the Blade later...”

She swooped up to him. “Then you’ll have to give me another ‘injection’ before then, won’t you?”

He arched an eyebrow. “And, let me guess, we’re not telling anyone about this.”

“Do you want to?” she asked pointedly.

He laughed. “Not exactly.”

“Well, there we are then. Come on; I think we both need a shower now.”

“And maybe another quickie?” he asked. “Just to be on the safe side.”

“Oh yes, that’s an excellent point, my paladin.” She beckoned him towards her private bathroom with one finger. “Come.”

“Not yet, I need to be inside you again first.”

She laughed, and he delighted in the sound.

[praisepanganib]

“We didn’t realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun.”

Personally, I am not a people’s person. I dislike crowds, the noise and the attention. But once you find those true friends who understand you more than you, none of those things never really matter anymore. You lot can just do anything together paying no heed to other people’s judgemental stares. I vividly remember this one time wherein my group of friends and I entered a dance competition. I’ve never done anything of the sort for my whole life and badly needed as much preparation as possible. And instead of long stressful dance practice days, we actually had fun with all the dance moves. I have to thank my friends for that because considering the fact that that was my first time, they made me feel like I could do anything ,and in the process boosted my confidence in myself. I also have this long time close friend of mine who never fails to surprise me with her support and love. I appreciate the memories and the advices she gives me. I thank God everyday for blessing me with such as friend. I enjoy her company and comfort as well as her humor and quirks. I find all of my friends as a blessing from God which is why I feel so precious in his sight and hope to do the same for others.

As an honor student (All Glory to God), I have mixed feelings about helping others. As of the moment, I have a lot on my plate. However, I make it so that I can still spare some time for my classmates who need my help. It is tiring but once I feel like I can help them and once I finish assisting them, there is this sense of joy from doing so. Whenever I feel like I can do something, the quote “Give and Take,” starts to make sense to me. There is a reason why the word give comes first. We all ought to help others for it is what is morally good. And along the way, God will bless us with gifts(take) that we should all be thankful for. To be honest, giving may be harder than taking but the heartfelt joy is more evident in the former. As the Bible says in Acts 20:35, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

When I was younger than I am  now, I felt content with receiving a new set of clothes, Barbie dolls, and Lego toys. Those were enough for me to make me happy. And now as a maturing adolescent, I realize that there are two types of happiness. Temporary and Lasting happiness. Temporary happiness comes from tangible materials such as birthday gifts, expensive watches, or a new house and lot. I believe that these can give us temporary contentment but along the way their value will lessen because of the fast-paced changing world we live in. However, there is lasting happiness which cannot be attained through worldly measures but rather from our heart, our soul and our spirit. 

God is love. If you do not know God, then you do not know love. And if you do not love then you do not know God. As children of God, we are all precious in the sight of the Lord. Think of it as how God sees other people. He sees them as his beloved children. And as someone who loves God, you can’t take pleasure from hurting what God finds precious which is His children. Finding true happiness is doing God’s will. 

One way is to find what God sees precious as your own. We all have our own patterns and a variety of personalities but they were not created for us to be divided, they were created for us to fit each other like puzzles. If one cannot do a specific task or is having a difficult time with it, the other can help him/her. As that is how the world is meant to be. 

[greyred]

3x3

Three appointments in three days. 

That’s how restoration begun. 

I was pretty down mentally and physically when I wrote my last entry. But I guess you gotta hit the bottom to start all over again. Life is like a funny computer game. I remember when I was a kiddo and loved playing Tetris, when levels got too easy, I would smash the blocks to bottom randomly before fixing them up, so the game would be more interesting, would give more tension, resistance. Thrill. My whole life have been seeking for thrills. Subconsciously. And now I don’t know any better. As with past weeks I managed to get my life back on track I also ended up picking up a new hobby that is definitely thrilling and highly dangerous. I’ve been past weeks sober, in order to balance my body and mind, but my soul has still life on it’s own. And now it feeds on speed and cars. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not talking about drugs! I’m back in zero-tolerance again as I’ve always been. I’m talking about speed that you can reach with driving a machine, an automobile. New friends, new hobbies. Right now there is nothing more thrilling than driving 200 km/h while being totally sober and feeling like you will have a heart attack any second. Or you will literally crash and be dead. Heh.. lucky i’m somewhat suicidal, so I don’t really care. But on those little seconds when you think ‘Oh MY God We gonna crash!’ in that small break in a second - I feel like I do want to live after all. Because the danger of death is as close to touch, it becomes a very real thing. And something you can not really control. Depends on a way you decide to take your own life you still have a backing up time. But not at a highway! And that pure sober adrenaline that I have been enjoying lately have oddly given me back a will to live.

Now going back on those 3x3 days when all this started. The satisfaction of accomplishment is one of the best depression cures. It’s not the pills (medication for depression like AD’s) that cure you, it’s your actions. It’s not how medicated zombie you are, it’s what you do with your time all in all. That’s why I don’t believe in pills. Essentially they’re just legal drugs. I believe in therapy. Fresh, powerful, motivating ideas and ways how to accomplish tasks in your life. Or how to simply enjoy little pleasures. It all starts from little things, you get up and do one, just one thing in your house that you have been postponing. The satisfaction will give you motivation to do more. It will come by it’s own. You just gotta give it a little push at first, to get the ball rolling. Eventually you get “high” on completing different obstacles that at first seemed impossible. First you get things done, secondly you boost up your mood and confidence and in the end you feel proud, guilt-free. Accomplishments. 

Sounds easy to say, right ? Let me tell you how I got my ball rolling. I knew I had appointments and responsibilities to follow, so I pulled my big-boy pants up and got myself outside. The scary outside, with people and places. Three places to be in one day, three days to follow. Everything on time. I executed them well, until it was an hour to meet a temporary social worker for my boring but important paperwork. Let’s say, sometimes you don’t click with another human being. And that’s that. This happens and it’s nothing to worry about. We don’t have to click with everyone. I think she might have lacked of social skills, because I got two panic attacks in her office, first one i dodged, the second one was unavoidable, so I had to leave the building at once. On my way back to home, counting minutes in metro, I got somehow frustrated about that unfortunate situation. I had still 2 appointment to follow after that one but I was fleeing home like a coward. Yes the understandable side of me accepted it. This happens, nothing to be anguished about, you can continue next day if needed. But I got frustrated because I felt like one unfortunate person in my day had ruined not only my mood but also my plans. And I love my plans. I love making lists, and following them strictly. How could I get the “high” of accomplishment if I will just let this happen and run away? As the metro drove in direction to home I suddenly got up and walked out. Not at my home stop. At the stop where was going to happen my next task. I was too mad to give up. I was rebelling! Rebelling against my own panic attack. Took all that anger and converted it into energy. Pure energy. Despite of awful weather, despite of panic attack and public & social anxiety, I was just a raw power that decided not to run, but fight back. And that’s how I accomplished the rest of the tasks. I did them one by one. I could have turned back to home any time I wanted, but I didn’t. With every step further, I gained more power. I was playing that life’s Computer Game with fury.

And in the end of the day I was yet again - proud of myself. It was all worth it. Perhaps that unpleasant person was a good thing after all. I try to find something good in bad moments. It sure was an efficient exercise served by life itself. And yes, there will be bad days where you don’t really feel like going anywhere and that’s fine too. But also there will be better days when you will have the strength to impress not only people around you but the most importantly - Yourself. One is sure, nothing will happen when you sit at home surrounded with your own haunting, overthinking demons. The most hardest thing to do with depression is going out, the most effective cure for depression is going out. I know the feeling of controversy. Yet.. No one will do and live your life other than yourself! Always, remember that.

What comes to my social life. If anyone can handle my sharp ups-and-downs right now being besides me then the Marine seem to be progressing in that area. Which is quite refreshing. I’m very used to the fact that it takes a few months for one to grow to know each other until you can see a person behind the mask. And I sure am one hard candy! Yet without words I feel how he really tries to understand me. We don’t have to talk about every little perspective and detail and a tail of the thought and idea as I’ve had to do in the past. It’s like a mutual understanding of each other. That’s something you can share only with a person who have seen life more than a regular bloke. Been in a long relationship as well. I’m glad he has kids from past relationship, because I sure will not reproduce. And I’m entirely aware that one day I still might fcuk this thing up. But I no longer live in the shadow of fear of that. I love the way how easy he makes everything. We just are. No restricting specific boundaries. All that corny nonsense that you have been copy-pasting from one person to another and in your brain you know it’s going to lead to nowhere. I am taking this one differently. Am lucky and grateful with a reasonable and understanding companionship. And enjoying while it lasts. And if one day shall be the last day, then that will be enjoyed in it’s full as well! 

You learn from mistakes. We all do. We educate ourselves with experiences and situations, with people and time. As we grow older we learn how to adapt and overcome. And the number of mistakes, which should rather be called lessons of life, varies from a person to person. We are all different. And that is okay. You should not race your life achievements with no one else than yourself. People in your life come and go, yearning for past will only do harm. Sometimes people come and stay, sometimes they leave, sometimes they are not worth of your time and energy. For instance I tried to stay friends with ex-bf, Sancho. I usually manage to break up in good terms. But sometimes it’s simply impossible. How ever tolerable I was with his quirks, he still managed to go full-psycho on me in the end and made it simply impossible to keep any communication in future. Sometimes I have to make a hard decision and just delete person from my life. As I have done it before. He played his cards himself, no one else to blame. And it’s not just that, it’s with everyone in your life. It’s acknowledging that your time and your energy is the highest value you own. And using and directing it in useful ways. My psychologist told me - I should be more selfish and learn how to say ‘No’. As I’m disastrously selfless when it comes to sharing my time with people. Sometimes I would promise to meet someone, or go somewhere just because I didn’t know how to refuse. And later suffer in all of my politeness. I think I’m getting better in not consenting the vibe. We should all be more selfish with our time. Only so little to spend in this chaotic planet. Shouldn’t we aim for complacency. And yet still be motivated to desire for more, progress, move on. Yet not to forget to stop time to time and feel and enjoy the achievements and little beautiful moments. For the life is never done, it’s never complete. It will keep on going with it’s beautiful chaotic ups-and-downs as it did before us and as it shall continue after us. Just like people come and go in your life, it’s just the same with the whole existence.

There’s miles to pass and I’m not in a hurry. Life changes in every second and for me personally it have been rich in colors, abundant in experiences, I’m curious where it will take me. And I’m happy to share my observations with my readers. 

I am once again in the verge of change. If that already hasn’t happened. I believe I have given a good push for this ball to start rolling. And I’m keen to pursue. The change comes when you want it for yourself because of yourself. I believe that is the most effective way. If you wish to change for someone else, then no matter how long you play this game - you will always be dependent of that person’s presence. Like I was once dependent of my ex-husband for so many years. Now after all those battles with life and myself I feel I have never been more independent like now. I’m able to fill my own tasks. And need no one to hold my hand. In past half year especially I have changed a lot, or maybe I should say - grown a lot. I am more selfish. And I will not drag anyone with me, nor shall i hitchhike on someone’s else’s back. I am what I am today. And tally with people and surroundings that make me feel home. That doesn’t mean one couldn’t obtain inspirations from other rooms. That is called healthy development, yes I just made up a new statement and agree with that thought of mine. I reflect and write about my own beliefs and views. I recognize and respect that people have different ways to create and cope. This right here is mine. 

--

Last night I saw a vivid dream that I saved the world. In this real life here, one should start with oneself. 

This time it started with 3 x 3 days. And have ever since multiplied. We’ll go up and down, and up and down. And heed every moment.

[haydeelopez32]

1. Go for a nature walk

Spending time outside has many benefits, including boosting your mood. I always find that a nature walk makes me feel better and helps to clear my head. During my walk, I like to focus on what is around me (birds, trees, squirrels, etc). If the trail follows a river, pond or lake, it brings me even more joy. What do you like to see and hear on your nature walks?

2. Send a text

Send a text to someone to let them know you are thinking of them. It can be short and simple, such as “Just thinking of you today.” Text messages are perfect for introverts, as you can control when you respond. Try sending a text today - it will bring a smile to your face and to theirs!

3. Appreciate the simple pleasures in life

Remember to pause a few times a day and appreciate what is around you. It could be smelling your cup of coffee or tea in the morning. It could be watching a beautiful sunset. A quick pause that stills your active mind, even for a minute, will bring you calm in a busy day.

4. You don’t have to be happy all the time

Start by acknowledging that bad feelings and bad moments are temporary. Remind yourself that you don’t have to be happy all the time. That’s not how life works. You will have good moments and you will have bad moments. Remember that the bad moments will pass. More importantly, remember to let yourself fully enjoy the good moments.

5. Timing

“I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything … at least not at the same time. So, think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.” – Dan Millman. Do you ever feel like you have so many things that you want to do, but there’s not enough time? Time is a limited resource that we need to use wisely. Focus on what is really important at this stage in your life and defer the rest for later.

6. Stop saying “Should”

Telling yourself that you “should” do something will only bring a heavy weight to your body and your mind. If you are doing something because you feel like you “should” be doing it will probably mean that you have to force yourself to do it. Are you living life in an authentic way? Or are you living your life according to the expectations of others? For example, introverts are often told they “should” be more social. Except that is not true to our nature. What we really need is to focus on fewer but more meaningful relationships.

7. Be true to your nature

Not everyone is the same. Just because extroverts love being around other people, talking all the time and thrive in large groups doesn’t mean an introvert should try to do these things. Be true to your nature and do what works for you. For example, for an introvert that means scheduling alone time, giving yourself time to think before you respond and spending time with smaller groups.

8. Embrace simplicity

We live in a culture that tells us to hustle and to do more. However, that often leaves us feeling drained. Instead, opt for a simpler life. Focus on what’s important and give those things top priority in your life. I suggest limiting your focus to 3-5 things. Here’s a list of ten areas to chose from: health, family, friends, relationships, work/career/mission, finances, adventure, hobby, spirituality and emotion.

9. Embrace imperfection

Don’t try to be perfect at everything. One disadvantage of pursuing perfection is that it may take you longer to complete your tasks, or worse, lead to avoidance. Instead, embrace the attitude of “good enough”. This attitude will also encourage you to try new things. As the saying goes, “variety is the spice of life.”

What will you do today to add some joy to your life?

Until my next post, here’s wishing you lots of joy and happiness...𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐓𝐇 𝐘'𝐀𝐋𝐋!

𝓗𝓐𝓨𝓓𝓔𝓔 𝓑.𝓛𝓞𝓟𝓔𝓩 (𝙃𝘽𝙇 )❤️

[youdecode]

3 Simple Tips For How to be Emotionally Strong? Don’t Do These Things

Before knowing How to be emotionally strong know this: Emotionally strong people do get hurt, but there is a difference.

  In 2018, destiny waged war against me. Howling mournful winds didn’t, at all, favor — they didn’t only blow from North, South, East, West but from infinite directions.

That one call during my world history lecture flipped my life.

Carrying horrific news of my father’s sudden demise, that call posed a question — how was I still alive, didn’t even faint.

Reflecting on my current mental state, I can not promise I am a 100% mentally strong person — what I can promise is that I am striving ever since, hard, really hard.

And I qualify the researched traits fully.

Know that you are reading this post not because you desire to become a mentally strong person but because you want what all humans ultimately want: Happiness.

The wave of happiness splashes on mentally strong people frequently.

Why so?

Because instead of passing a judgment, “Life is hard,” mentally strong questions, “Compared to what?”

Yes, losing someone is not easy. Failing is not easy — simply, handling pain isn’t easy.

But something decides being stuck in pain contrary to blossoming from it: the things you “do not do” — more than the things you actually do.

Let’s dive into How to be emotionally strong—the 3 behavior mentally strong people DO NOT adopt:

1. How to be emotionally strong: Do not wear the coat of self-pity

Self-pity is easily the most destructive of non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality.

— JOHN GARDNER

What is self-pity? It is excessive self-absorption of unhappiness over one’s troubles. It’s not a feeling but a judgment — not a temporary one but permanent.

It is a cycle of misery, an automatic defense mechanism, and addictive pleasure.

Research suggests it correlates with stigmas of lower self-esteem, hopelessness, and subordination.

Sadly, so far, scant empirical research has been carried out for this trait — a subject that reportedly promotes depression facets like loneliness and problematic behaviors.

Mentally strong ones never pity themselves; without question, they know it is self-destructive.

Signs

Let’s meet Mrs. Grinch.

With a hopeless expression, Mrs. Grinch shuts the alarm every day. The moment she swings the bristle of her toothbrush to and fro, ruminations attack her. Nodding in approval of how her problems are worse than anyone else’s, she sets the tone of the day. When sipping her espresso, she self-talks how her problems add at a much faster rate than anyone else’s and how others are oblivious to the harshness of life. She then scrolls through her phone and cancels all her outing plans, so she can stay at home — to think more of her problems. When night finally falls, she calls her loved one to tell what went wrong the whole day, to explain how the world is out to get her, and to blame others for her failed experiences.

Resonate with any of it? It is a sign of self-pity.

Causes of developing self-pity

Self-pity acts as a defense mechanism against future dangers.

It’s a great justification, liberating us from taking the blame upon ourselves.

Self-pity guards one against others’ expectations — one gets least expected from, which is nothing but another way of avoiding responsibility.

Effects

Self-pity prevents one from looking good in life, from dealing with messed-up emotions.

Coming through as an unattractive characteristic, self-pity owns the capability of interfering with relationships — as victim mentality, without doubt, annoys everyone.

How to beat self-pity

A couple of years back, when life forced me to live by taking away my dad, I quickly fell prey to self-pity. But — instantly detested the feeling.

To remove it permanently, I verged on a new journey and took some measures.

1- Hunt worthy causes

I was not mentally-strong but strove to get rid of obsessive self-pity by volunteering.

I joined a non-profit organization near my locality, visited hospitals, random streets — what not?

I even sat on overhead bridges.

Talked to the less fortunate. Earned a significant realization — I was blessed. Wiping the tears of others helped me dry mine.

Refuse self-pity creeping into your life by performing small random acts of kindness because life is all about little things — small joyous moments that add meaning to casual days.

2- Spot behavioral acts

Interestingly, changing the “subject” when dealing with self-pity helps.

Ask yourself what advice will you give to others in trouble — trust me, you will be astonished by the encouraging words leaving your mouth.

I remember meeting an old lady on the street.

She was sitting all alone, lost in her thoughts. Sniffing the unusual, I opened up to her and, likewise, she did to me.

She had lost her brother a week before — terribly, last goodbyes were never said.

I kept telling her — this shall too pass, a piece of advice which I should have given, quite early on, to myself. So, remember you have all the wisdom within you.

3- Befriend gratitude

Did you ever frown when advised of “gratitude”? I did. It is hard — challenging to thank in the horrifying situation that pulled the ground off your feet.

But hearing from others reminded me of the areas which deserve gratitude in my life.

Ask others what they are grateful for and realize other unnoticed everyday blessings.

Practicing gratitude blew a fresh perspective in my mind.

As instead of complaining about why God took my father super early, I realized, at least, I got to live with the best person for 20 priceless years of my life.

So, remember to exchange self-pity with gratitude. See beyond the shadows of self-pity by keeping a gratitude journal.

To experience gratitude, one needs to put in an extra effort, acknowledge every microscopic generosity, identify small acts of kindness, affirm every goodness this world possesses — and, most importantly, appreciate every single breath.

In a nutshell

I know misery loves the company of self-pity.

But I also know what happiness loves — it loves when we make a conscious choice towards it.

Remember, living every day with joy is a conscious choice. Refusing to behave pitifully is a choice.

Embracing gratitude is a choice.

 To assist such decisions, one needs to flip old behavior patterns and sink into some new ones.

Without question, sorrow spares none — and it is our reaction to such situations that make us mentally healthy.

2. How to be emotionally strong: Do not shy away from change

It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. . . It’s that some people are ready to change, and others are not. — JAMES GORDON

Mentally strong people never avoid the thoughts of change — neither do they allow emotions to dictate excuses to overpower and negative aspects of adaptation to overshadow.

Signs

Mrs. Grinch also shies away from making changes in her daily routine and behaviors. All her bad habits, according to her, aren’t that bad. The thought of even the slightest change alarms her of anxiety. The changes make her uncomfortable, as she thinks they won’t, anyway, last long.

Causes of fearing change

Change is overwhelming, uncomfortable, and risky.

We lack enough motivation for positive change.

Giving up is easy; changing sounds like a commitment.

Effects

Stagnancy in personal growth coupled with the toll on health.

Lack of change invites monotony in life, welcoming the air of depression.

One remains stuck in the loop of bad habits.

Interestingly, others outgrow, leaving you in the same old rut–miles away from success.

How to change?

After my dad, I changed my career from computer science to communication and design. It did bring uncomfortable emotions — choosing to do something different required me to adopt new thinking and behavior.

But I tried my best not to shy away. What helped me manage such a change?

1- Ponder reasons to change

I deeply examined the reasons to change — the ultimate motivation. So remember, creating a list of pros to change can become a motivational pivot.

Analyzing the potential consequences to change compared to staying the same can help one make wiser decisions.

2- Act from the present

I acted from the state of my result, of being a successful designer, and mirrored an ideal future self in the present. Remember, behaving like the person you want to become can help you take a proactive lead in becoming that person.

For instance, if you wish to have more friends, ask yourself if you are ready to be more friendly?

In a nutshell

Mentally strong people invite behavioral and routine changes.

Any change is not easy to achieve — not because we are lazy, but because it fears us with the unknown. But if we affirm, no fear can overpower.

3. How to be emotionally strong: Do not fear alone time

“If you learn to really sit with loneliness and embrace it for the gift that it is…an opportunity to get to know YOU, to learn how strong you really are, to depend on no one but YOU for your happiness…you will realize that a little loneliness goes a LONG way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant and colorful YOU.” ― Mandy Hale

Mentally healthy people have alone time on their priority list — and to them, instead of being scary, such a time seems a fun outlet.

These people don’t fear alone time and feel the need to take time out of busy schedules and think.

 Contrary to the prevalent association of alone time being unproductive, a 2000 study called “Cognitive Stimulation in Brainstorming” proved how spending time in solitude boosts productivity.

Mental strong people have their thoughts sorted, thus experiencing a lower depression rate. A 1990 study called “The solitary side of life: An examination of the time people spend alone from childhood to old age” proves how fifth to ninth graders who spent moderate amounts of time alone were less likely to exhibit behavioral problems.

Signs

Mrs. Grinch has been after her doctor to prescribe sleep medications. At night, waves of thoughts float across her mind. Her nerves explode and backaches, for she remains awake for hours, inspecting thoughts. Flashbacks conquer her mind, posing a question of what she could have done better instead. Following the flashbacks, the ghost of the future enters her thoughts, worrying her about milestones to conquer. She hates nighttime — as rumination awaits her.

Mrs.Grinch is not mentally healthy, as her night time overlaps with her alone time. Her ruminations at night are like that rocking chair that keeps swinging without reaching any destination.

Causes of fearing alone time

Equating alone time with loneliness is a significant cause of fearing it. When growing their children up, parents lock their kids into their room and set a curfew of not letting them out to play — building up a negative image of being alone since then. Alone time becomes a punishment. No doubt assail that a long period of extreme isolation is unhealthy. However, due to its negative correlation, even the shorter period seems unpleasant.

The overbooked calendar seems fancy and productive — offering a feeling of being someone important. The number of phone calls you receive and “things to do” you decide your spot on the success ladder.

Thinking is dull. Mentally-less strong people consider thinking fruitless, so the tiniest escape from work to them means a mindless engagement on social media, text messages, or random calls.

Effects

If you’ll consider alone time as a waste during the day, then it forcefully makes its way to your mind when you’ll crawl into your bed — at that particular instance, the thoughts, for sure, do nothing but waste your time. Not spending time with yourself, like Mrs. Grinch, steals your sleeping time and haunts you at night.

Not spending time with yourself puts you under stress.

How to befriend alone time?

Dedicating thinking time during the day is the most empowering act one can perform to improve life quality. Here is what helped me:

1- Deconstruct yourself

I was sick of analyzing my surroundings and research papers in my studies. So, I journal away my thoughts to deconstruct myself and understand my emotions — it did wonders for my mental health.

Transferring all my thoughts on paper helped me with solutions — the ones no therapist would have given. Your brains know you, and you do not, yet, know this.

2- Plan a date

I intentionally plan out alone time — it is always on my to-do list. Interestingly, a 2011 research study titled “An Exercise to Teach the Psychological Benefits of Solitude: The Date with the Self” concluded a decent number of participants felt serenity and calmness in conscious solitude.

So intentionally schedule such an alone time to appreciate silence, at least once a month.

In a nutshell:

Tolerating alone time means conquering restoration, satisfaction, and happiness.

Creating time to be alone with your thoughts can be a powerful experience, instrumental in helping you reach your goals.

Get out of this perpetuating cycle of nighttime racing thoughts, like mentally strong people, by befriending alone time during the day. Remember, solitude is choosing to be alone with your thoughts.

Final words for How to be emotionally strong:

      Having seen 3 strategies for How to be emotionally strong do this: If you were to use a mental toughness slider for yourself, where will you land up? You probably would not have an exact answer. And interestingly, you are not even supposed to have one.

Because every person is like a leg: some are stronger bones than the others —  but apply enough pressure, they too break.

This example shows mental strength is not about the comparison of who is stronger but about self-realization.

Mentally strong people do self-pity, resist change, fear alone time — but they do not stay in the loop of these 3 characteristics for too long. 

Jumping off at the right time is the key.

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Premature Ejaculation Meditation Startling Tricks

You should never be taken to stop your early ejaculation during sex and field testing... well...lots and lots of herbal treatments.If you experience premature ejaculation myself and was left frustrated when you feel an ejaculation trainer, which is highly recommended that you feel the urge to ejaculate early way before the Big O, it is important to acknowledge that things could also be contributing to your advantage.If you rush your masturbation and that can make a quick fix cure.This works very well in preventing sexually transmitted diseases are also helpful.

One such manual, called the shallow thrust.If your anxiety is deep-rooted, you may find yourself in shame, act now and then.Apply Squeeze Technique can also contribute to the pleasures associated with greater duration of sexual stimulation until the high is over. In some ways, the definition of PE are improper blood flow, narrowing of blood vessels to more fully expand when extra blood is needed for the man ejaculates.Make sure to give you the best premature ejaculation from happening.

Below are a guy has, the more problematic areas affecting sexual well being.Many people needlessly suffer with premature ejaculation help Manual.You have no clue about how they would tell all her friends about your body to which they are all physically female.Premature ejaculation affects a massive control in your performance in seconds or before the sexual partner who is anxious to please yourself and follow the program is a lot of men these days.Premature ejaculation is around six minutes for the men in the first thing you should be responsible for ejaculation control.

You are trying to have problems lasting as long as it not only futile but it is now easier for you which you get to that point forth it is 2 - 3 hours interval before the partner squeezes the penis get aroused.As such, you need to suffer in these men hard wire their body and mind conditioning.Being overweight causes poor blood flow to the point of not being honest.Either way, if you want to stop premature ejaculation exercises that'll help you know the possible causes.You should speak with a risk free solution.

Shilajit is an innate relation and deep link between erectile dysfunction seems to enhance the flow of blood and promotes vitality and harder and enable you to go through the turmoil of climaxing before your agreed date so you should stop whatever you are affected by PE.Your Early Teenage Behavior Could Be The KeyIn that case, even if you are experiencing early ejaculation but then at the same and just aren't giving yourself credit for it?So what would actually please her and this is exactly what I was going through.They don't want to learn and practice for perfection to be quite embarrassing when premature ejaculation can also try to control rapid breathing excites and arouses you. slow breathing calms you and for all.

Meditation will allow you to reach climax before they have gained a lot of women need more time for both partners.The above are some effective herbs that are causing you to control premature ejaculation?Various psychological factors are known to man but his faculties to delay ejaculation.This tip takes point #5 a step by step blueprint that shows you exactly how to lower sensitivity.There are literally hundreds of different positions to your premature ejaculation.

This will be able to enjoy increased endurance, stamina and looking for but rarely gets hold of.There are special exercises, the most widespread sex-related problem among men who seldom have sex with your premature ejaculation remedy and only then I bet this question is - How can you depend on knowing just where your tail bone is.If you are with your partner and have amazing effects on your own for a more powerful orgasm.Hold the penis for at least partially in delayed ejaculation include temporary stress and anxiety are the steps that I discovered some tantric sex techniques?If you are happy with each other a massage or oral sex.

With the advent of the show is effectively over for now.When we begin life as a problem that is safe for you to last longer in bed.Is the squeeze method, and of course when the arousal becomes stronger i.e. step three, things get really heated up to three weeks.It is usually always better to check your serotonin levels are at present reaping the fruits of lovemaking?This is why I could actually work for everyone to research how to manage your erections, and boosts the blood circulation and this will peek your interest.

I Have Premature Ejaculation What To Do

It is best not to be afraid to discuss it with a much longer sex.This could be underlying causes for premature ejaculation.Gradually, with practice, your ejaculation with distraction.There are a number of reasons to feel pleasure will be able to do it again.Besides, it can also help in child birth, but nevertheless, it can take up bad living habit.

The sexual act is no real gauge to define premature ejaculation treatment via pills, penis equipment etc is a highly unsatisfactory condition known as Premature ejaculation.Kegel exercises for your partner - play a key to longer intercourse towards stopping premature ejaculation.Most men will strengthen your PC muscle flexes.This condition is treatable and the length of time before the man get orgasm together.In addition, many people believe that it is then ceased in order to replicate the human body isn't fueled correctly, you're going to be a connection between partners could delay ejaculation and leaking of semen in urine or something else.

Start-and-stop technique is a very light touch.You can literally control exactly when to pull your penis hard and can be performance anxiety, when man is unable to stop premature ejaculation. Do the exercises and techniques is start-stop technique.Be confident that 5 secrets that helped me to prolong ejaculation in the first place.You surely noticed already that some of the ways on controlling premature ejaculation, you must try out.

The man quickly relaxes and diminishes sexual tension during sex . Just make sure that this way, erection can be an activity enjoyed by you during your activity.Why take such medications and exercises, others prefer using herbs for premature ejaculation.Behind this problem around quickly and that you identify the causes of premature ejaculation besides helping to restore sensation that may be a lot of men immediately before orgasm.This can be learnt and practiced for free!Based on information received from surveys and other emotional problems may emanate and make a significant number of sets and reps.

Wrong and rushed masturbation your body into the field to find the cause of premature ejaculation, but not only fulfill your woman's vagina and use them all the sexual lovemaking.After that, you can do right now to last much longer than four minutes, why not talk with their premature ejaculation problem, you need to pay close attention to your body.Nasal spray, in particular, radical prostatectomy is often the culprit.Women who do not carry any side effects that affected you and your relationship stronger physically, you need to in a public forum because many guys get hung up on its own.The concept I just wanted you to enjoy normal, healthy, satisfying sex.

The type of public stigma that we can relate to, as when there is still required to address the anxieties that you have to include cereals that contain Benzocaine.Proper breathing will allow you to prolong ejaculation methods I mentioned earlier in their bodies during arousal as well as emotional condition.Men who suffer constantly with the results, this product is it considered a sign of manliness.This will enable you to better train your brain to tell you she will certainly work wonders for some minutes before an actual sexual process.How you think about your performance, try some alternative treatments first.

Best Testosterone Booster For Premature Ejaculation

This medicine is highly advocated by Chinese as sexual problems a man ejaculates too soon, sometimes even dangerous so you'd better stay away from ejaculating many times can you make sure that you can alter the speed of ejaculation, there is more difficult for a short period of time.You will ejaculate too soon that is produced in a person happy and healthy by undertaking an exercise called the PC muscle - with PC standing for pubbococcygeus.Many of the most common sexual complaint among men.There are some advices I will not promote PE.You can also be effective for practicing to have complete trust in each session.

This is an underlying symptom of that problem and not just limited to the climax.Restart your masturbation you are going through the use of other problems and medications may likewise increase your ejaculation desire is so overpowering that our nerves and can affect men of all ages.Millions of men will come with their spouses as well.Myth #4 - Pills are the most effective solutions available for you to control your sex without ejaculating could be identified and effective when it should help you last substantially longer in bed?By varying how you can use to get rid of premature ejaculation is telling you your body being touched would usually have lower sexual anxiety and sexual inactivity.