#without instant gratification lol

[ricoka]

I was just looking through old references I saved in 2020/early 2021 and I'm so incredibly proud of myself, when considering where I'm at now in comparison. Still a long way to go, but I saved some tutorials on what I'd now consider very basic knowledge. I often only see everything that I can't do, that I still need to learn. But I am really proud that I made it to this point. I never really thought I would.

[bloody-wonder]

3, 4 and 7 for the ask x

thanks for the ask!📚

3. What’s something you read recently and wanted to argue with (either with the book or the author or the fans)?

buckle up for a good ol' book rant!

so the dreamhealers series - a cozy slice of life scifantasy story about two neurodivergent individuals forming a queerplatonic partnership - is, it turns out, the origin story of the characters which the author mca hogarth has conceived a long time before as side characters in a completely different arc in her peltedverse. i assume she started developing said arc when she was a teen and wrote the dreamhealers when she was already an adult. the result is two stories that tonally and structurally couldn't be more different but that both feature these two characters which naturally resulted in characterization consistency problems. you can't take a weird lil guy from a pastoral novel where everyone just vibes and put him into a high stakes high fantasy plot without it taking a toll on their personality. now, this is not a problem if you finish the dreamhealers and just stop after book 4, however comma goodreads shows that there's this novella following the last book and you assume it's gonna be some sort of cute epilogue and you pick it up and it turns out it's not that but rather a short backstory of the characters mca hogarth wrote for her high stakes arc BEFORE she wrote the full version of their backstory aka the dreamhealers. are you still following? anyways i read the novella and was appalled at how jarring the difference is between jahir and vasiht'h in the series and this novella which, if you read in the order i'm reading in, basically serves as a link between the dreamhealers and prince's game. on the one hand, it's cool to see how much mca hogarth grew as a writer and how much more nuanced and relatable she made her characters in the course of their development. but on the other, it made me have unpleasant ruminations about what is canon and what isn't. this novella feels like a retcon designed to make jahir and vasiht'h fit a new narrative. however, it was written before the dreamhealers - does that then make dreamhealers a retcon and not as canon? both things can't be canon bc jahir and vasiht'h in the series would never do things they do in the novella. which makes it feel like a fanfic written by someone who doesn't understand the source material.

phew did it feel good to get all of this off my chest! tl dr please read the dreamhealers but under no circumstances read "family"

4. What are your top 3 comfort reads?

to be completely honest i don't typically re-read books for comfort purposes. that's what fanfics are for!✨ the top 3 i used to re-read the most (but not in quite a while tho) are lessons (aftg), astray (captive prince) and this unfinished theseus/the minotaur fic which i believe was called asterius und which, as i was distraught to discover, had been privated by the author😭 such tasteful monsterfucking literature i have never known before or since

7. What book do you love but usually not recommend because it’s weird or intense, etc?

i love aftg but i will rather bleach my soul by reading that fandom's discourse again than recommend it to anyone. and to be clear, it's not bc i think the seires is weird or poorly written or not good enough for general audiences - it's bc no one is worthy of studying the sacred texts except for me and a couple other initiated intellectuals

book ask

[teethcore]

i'm so jealous of everyone online who describes having breakthroughs while tripping and coming out of it with significant mental health improvements and whatnot. i feel very hopeful and confident about my future if i start introspecting while i'm actively high but it all goes away after.

[pancakeke]

I made a customer so mad on a call today that he muted and turned his camera off lol.

I did it on purpose though.

We needed to create a process but this dude always dominates the convo to give long pointless monologues about how *something* needs to be done in relation to vague nonspecific things (like "I don't like what I'm seeing here" ok then WHAT are you seeing??) He absolutely refuses to give concrete details or make actionable requests, plus he's always extremely disrespectful, accusatory, and lies about things. So I kept cutting off his unhelpful monologues to ask for specifics and when he didn't give them I gave options for what we could do rather than letting him continue to make the same whiny statements over and over but with different wording each time.

Then he tried to derail by doing this needlessly dramatic arm waving and wandering away from the camera thing, then wandering back with his head in his hands while saying weird phrases I assume were some kind of worthless business speak phrases? (Example, the last one he said was "Just take the weekend off". Maybe this means like "we need to take a break and regroup"? I legit do not know the intent. I directly asked "What do you mean by that?", no paraphrasing, but he ignored me so maybe he was telling me to go fuck myself. idk).

Anyway I kept being direct and trying to sort out a plan of action with our salesperson meanwhile this dude kept interjecting with absolutely asinine statements like "YOU need to figure this out" referring to my company, not me specifically. But like that was literally what we were doing at that moment?? So I asked him "Are you asking us to create new procedures without your company's input? Ideally need to know specifically where you're having issues to know how I should create reporting." Then he shut his webcam and mic off.

Progress was made at this point since he wasn't interrupting anymore but that didn't last long cause he jumped back in to make a big deal about how he couldn't stay on the call longer because he had another meeting soon. But if he has just explained that in one sentence rather than monologuing about his time we could have made more actual plans.

idk if this guy is purposely trying to stop us from creating a process though cause he blew up at us when we had extra inventory on hand (that he told us to buy) which then led him to tell us that we weren't allowed to make any purchases for them without approval. After this we sent a purchase request over to them for approval and they didn't approve it (we were ghosted, not denied), which made this guy is blow up at us again for not just buying the components immediately without asking.

I think he just wants us to do whatever benefits him in the moment and also he doesn't ever want us to hold his company accountable (per our contract...) for any unused components. and since documentation and processes creates accountability, they're bad for someone who wants instant gratification and no responsibility.

This call was so fucking bewildering though. It was like this guy had a book of business speak phrases and thought that if he kept reading them off he would look smart and important and then we would just flagellate ourselves at his feet. Even though the problem is pretty much his fault for not managing his side of the business. These guys have turned derailing conversation into a goal so I went robot mode and wouldn't let myself say a word that wasn't data-focused. I really hoped this would force their side to speak in numbers and facts so I could get info and ideas from them that we could actually use to build a new procedure.

But now I see that my plan was doomed from the start cause this guy will just disappear if I don't let him spend the whole meeting listening to himself talk while not actually saying anything.

I have some kind of brain problem where I always think that if I can figure out how to communicate with people in juuust the right way they'll stop being cunts and cooperate with me. Cause I'm working for their benefit so they should want to work together, right? :)

Wrong. People are fucking bonkers. They do not care about problem solving. It's all about ego. And somehow their egos do not recognise how purposely creating problems leads to failures that might reflect poorly on them.

[cutely-ressurrected]

How to fight demons of instant gratification

I really believe that the root of most of our problems comes from giving our energy and attention to the wrong sources. It has me feeling restless, bored, annoyed, easily irritated and whenever I get caught in the never-ending cycle I start to lack creativity.

So these are the habits I find the most effective when combating dopamine overstimulation.

I’s crucial to set boundaries through the entire day so:

- I never go on social media first thing in the morning, I don’t want to get bombarded by other people’s opinions/lives first thing when I open my eyes, and those 20 minutes are for me.

- I will always feel like stretching, and it will only take me 2 minutes because I don’t like to exercise without music

-mindfulness, I don’t really meditate because I feel as if viral meditation we see on socials has been so westernized its nothing like its supposed to be. I just sit and focus on my intentions for the day and try to ground myself (basically meditation lol)

- Eat a healthy meal (with protein, healthy fats and complex carbohydrates) if you are a person with ovaries and a menstrual cycle its good to cycle sync.

- do. not. eat. too. much. industrial. sugar!! it spikes dopamine levels. eat fruit. lots of it.

- exercise, I strength train 3 times a week and for me that’s enough because the body needs rest to build muscle

- whenever I indulge in a dopamine spiking activity I set a time limit, like playing games for 2hrs and I don’t overdo it

- following that, the rest of my free time I spend on a creative task, like writing or hanging out with friends, doing an alternative activity

-I do not watch porn (If you’re someone who struggles there are support groups all over the internet, you’re not alone)

- I do not scroll 30 minutes before my bedtime and take that time to journal and plan my day

[toomuchracket]

ohhh the filming/sex tape thing actually makes me go feral. made it starts with him taking sexy pics of her during sex or after (with his cum all over her, keeping consistent with the cumplay !) and then maybe one day girly brings up the idea of filming and he just. loses his mind.

someone else said he tells girlie about doing a sex video. 🙃

i think you're defo a polaroids during/after sex couple - instant gratification in getting to view them, no digital stuff that could get leaked, always lovely to look at! maybe one day, as a bit of foreplay, you're looking at the pics together while you grind on matty and he's kissing up your neck, and you offhandedly say something like "god, i wish that one was a gif lol, i'd love to just watch it over and over"; matty literally buries his face in your neck because he's so overcome, and says into your skin "i can't believe this keeps happening to me". and you've no fucking clue what he's on about, so he has to be like "i wanted to do anal with you for a while and then you bought the plug without knowing that, and now you're saying you wish there was a video-type thing of us fucking before i had the chance to bring up the fact that my dirtiest dream involves you and me and a bed and a camera". he freaks out a bit because you go silent, but when he looks at you he sees you smiling like "well, i'm not opposed to it. not at all" - matty's like "really? you're not just saying that?", and you're like "babe i just said i'd want it to watch afterwards too. but yeah i do like making all your dirty dreams come true, being good for you. and now i get to be all pretty on camera for you, too", and he kisses you like "you're my biggest dream come true. even before you agreed to do all the kinky shit with me. i love you. thank you" (never forget, he's a lover and a simp before anything else).

actually filming... you use a handheld video camera fully only designated for the bedroom, for a bit more security. matty lets you lead, but i think you first suggest it when it's something you know you'll look good doing as you make your man feel good - a bj, or riding, maybe - and you can't resist hamming it up a bit more for the camera (but more in a fun little tongue-in-cheek way, because you know it'll be good regardless). when it's done, and you watch it back... god, it's hot, watching how good you look getting him off, and then seeing him all fucked-out and horny looking up at you during the bit where you stole the camera. you're pretty much ready to go again as soon as you finish the video, i fear, and matty insists he returns the favour - quite frankly, the footage of him with his head between your legs might honestly be the sexiest thing you've ever seen. yeah, it's hot alright <3

[transmutationisms]

i just read Against Exercise. i wanted to ask what you make of this sentence and the wider paradigm he gestures at occasionally in the essay:

Upon the desperate materialist gratifications of a hedonic society, commanding immediate comfort and happiness, we engraft the desperate economics of health, and chase a longer span of happinesses deferred, and comforts delayed, by disposing of the better portion of our lives in life preservation.

do we live in a ‘hedonic’ society? and does that framing shape his conclusions on in ur opinion? i have my own thoughts but am interested in yours x

ok i'm glad you asked because i find this sentence and this paradigm very irritating lol. i don't think he's the only left-ish thinker who's acceded to this type of framing (like i've complained about mark fisher pulling a similar move) but with greif there's a particular irksomeness to it because, even in the sentence you've quoted, we can see in the latter half how he contradicts his own idea of a "hedonic society"! if his thesis here is something like "the dominant cultural paradigm encourages instant gratification and hedonism, and the exerciser defies this edict by deferring their happiness and sweating it out at the gym instead" then, like, the obvious question here is, where does the impulse of the exerciser come from? does greif actually think the pursuit of fitness and longevity by physical exertion is some kind of counter-cultural move that reacts against, without acceding to, the demands of a "hedonic society"? if he does then it kind of undercuts the significance of the entire rest of the essay, lmao.

my personal answer here would be—and this is something greif dances around a few times but doesn't ever seem prepared to fully unpack—that the demand to have a fit and 'healthy' and long-lasting body is not at all contradictory to the demand to consume goods, and that this latter is more precisely what is meant by "hedonism" here if we are to use it in any useful sense. i think what greif is actually pointing to is the demand to shape oneself into, simultaneously, a valuable worker and an obedient consumer. in an immediate sense these two goals demand different things (say, 'going for a run' vs 'buying products') but on a more thorough analysis we can easily see how they arise from the same fundamental logic of profit-seeking. body fascism has never been just an aesthetic; what it promises to the state and the corporation is a population that is biologically managed and economically exploitable. i think this is true even in an imperialist economy like the united states that doesn't run primarily on production/export.

i don't know a ton about mark greif biographically but my impression is that he's kind of half-left at best, lol. certainly he's like, curmudgeonly in a way that is sometimes useful to mine (ruthless criticism of all that exists, &c) but i think in this essay and others we can clearly see how easily that attitude can slide into just a vaguely reactionary position when it lacks materialist analysis. like, frankly i think if we lived in a social context that actually had a commitment to ensuring hedonic pleasure that would probably be a better world. it's kind of similar to when lib-left types try to claim that we live in a world that has any serious degree of commitment to "the individual" when what they actually, usually mean is that we've been massified in a way that denies us social connection and material support from one another.

anyway: 'against exercise' was very mind-blowing to me when i first read it and i love to see someone staking out that position seriously; and there are elements of greif's analysis i think can be useful in an actually communist analysis. but i find a lot of cultural criticism (specifically that positions itself as counter-cultural without being explicitly communist) has a risk of just sliding reactionary, and i think this half-baked idea of a "hedonic society" is an example of that happening. curious what you think though!

[slow-writer]

TMAGP (and TMA, indirectly) Spoilers and Thoughts...

You have been warned...

I wasn't part of the original TMA crowd back when it was first airing. I'd heard mutterings of it, but never really thought much about it. To be honest, I probably wasn't mentally ready for it back then. Instead, my younger sister started listening to it last year and then kept talking about it until something she said made me go, "Y'know what? Okay. I'm in."

I ended up bingeing through it during work this past October, and holy sh*t. I fell down the rabbit hole hard. (Maybe, in this case, it would be more akin to running face first down those coffin stairs? I digress.) Being so new to it when everyone else had already been swallowed up by the sky, it was cool to dig into the Wikis that had already been made, to see the links and foreshadowing.

But now, it's the beginning of TMAGP, and I actually get to listen the day they release, to jump on here, or reddit, or tiktok, or wherever to be a part of the theorizing AS IT HAPPENS. And boy oh boy, I'm happier than Simon Fairchild in the stratosphere.

Do I have a notebook to jot down my thoughts as I listen? Of course, I do. Do I have multiple tabs open, some with ARG info, some with TMA info, and yet more with references to alchemical symbols and practices? Duh. Have I started my own spreadsheet for it all? Well, if you knew about my Lego Dimensions spreadsheet.... nevermind. Yes, I have.

But nothing beats being able to talk (or type) about it with other fans, like my sister, or those faceless avatars (lol) of the interwebs. And man, has my brain been CHURNING.

First, let me get out of the way that I wasn't able to take part in the ARG as it was happening, and my goodness! I'm so happy there are other people out there like me who were able to sum up and load it up for the rest of us to learn about. No idea how much of it will be *necessary* to unlock all the secrets, but I'm the kind who loves to know trivia just cos. And the details I am learning definitely pull me deeper.

Second, I feel like in the beginning of TMA, there was barely anything for the listeners to dig through. One guy working on behalf of an organization, trying to dig through seemingly implausible and overly spooktastic first-hand statements dating back centuries that are in crazy disarray from the previous archivist, and he's laying on a hefty helping of "this is utter balderdash, complete poppycock, and absolute piffle" opinion. It was a slow burn, something that (as an American, and being exposed to so much more instant gratification in storytelling than necessary) UK storytellers seem to be experts in, and was even more expertly done in this case, since so many little things had to eventually build up without listeners automatically assuming what would happen next, without them getting bored.

But TMAGP is already so full of so much extra stuff, so many little things (even before it was released) that we may all get BURIED in the sheer amount of data we think is vital. We're not listening to tapes this time, we're definitely listening via internet-connected devices, like computers, mobile phones, and security cameras. So, while TMA had old tape recorders magically appearing (or were they being dragged by hordes of spiders?) and switching themselves on so they could hear all the random happenings within the archive, TMAGP is no longer reliant on such hand-wavery. Whatever/whoever is listening can do so from anywhere to anyone they want. That makes the world of TMAGP

SO MUCH BIGGER.

Third, I know not everyone who listens to these things is like me (or, let's face it: us--there are so many fans doing regular deep dives on here, we should have our own categorization on the wiki). There are bound to be listeners who just leave everything at face value and wait for the story to unfold itself organically, and when it's done, it's done. But even as an adolescent, when I got into something, I did my best to listen to, watch, or read everything I could find on that very niche thing. At least for a while. (Hello, undiagnosed ADHD!)

So, I watched/listened to a couple interviews and Q&As regarding the new show prior to release. And while both Alex and Jonny have been clear saying you don't have to have listened to TMA to enjoy TMAGP, I kind of think just saying that is leading us TMA fans in a very specific direction. And I think it's very intentional, and that a lot of fans either haven't heard about it yet, or are choosing to ignore it.

They say that TMAGP is tangentially related to TMA in that there will be familiar themes, but

it's taking place in a completely different universe from TMA;

time in TMA worked differently (especially during the Entity Torturepalooza in S5) towards the end, so dates of events there may not line up with dates or events in this universe; and

the main or overarching theme is different.

In TMA, the story was "what makes a monster a monster?" As in, is there a line one crosses that they can't return from? Is it a physical manifestation, like it alters their appearance? Is it an action they have to take? And does that action have to be done willingly, or can it be coerced? Does becoming the monster to protect someone else, or to achieve a greater good... does any of that matter?

In TMAGP, they've already said that the story will be "what makes a person a person?"

The implications of that sentence are many and mind-boggling.

I first thought it had something to do with the idea of the humane (not human): kindness, empathy, compassion. The ties that bind us together as people (like being fans of a little horror podcast from across the pond) could be part of this.

But, now that we have 5 episodes out, and a metaphorical army of lore-deep-divers digging through every word and sound effect and episode title, I think we can truly start to figure out where we're heading.

Artificial Intelligence.

It struck me as I was re-listening to the first episode this morning. (I really am trying to fill out my spreadsheet in a semi-logical manner and with as many pertinent details as possible, really. That's the main reason I was doing that this morning. At least, that's what I tell myself.) We are hearing all these happenings over web-connected devices (don't think I don't see you, Alex and Jonny, and your oh-so-hilarious punning!), the OIAR employees are working on a modified business-forward version of Windows NT 4.0 that precedes Windows 95 that has a name that we interpret as 'Freddy' (or Freddie, depending on where you are in the transcripts), one of the documents from the ARG was a spreadsheet called 'Klaus' (which IS the name of the former IT guy Gwen's asking about because she heard/saw young Lena arguing with him), and we have at least 3 text-to-speech "voices" that Alice has given names (Chester, Norris, and Augustus).

All of that was running through my brain, and then I heard this passage within the first few minutes of the episode:

LENA - Nonsense. Sam is the only one who has had any cake so far. GWEN - And that was only because you practically forced it down his throat. SAM - No, no, it was… nice. LENA - People like chocolate cake.

People like chocolate cake? She didn't even ask her employees (all 5 of them at that time) what flavor they'd prefer, or if they'd want something else? No. She just knows a fact that "people" like chocolate cake, so of course, her employees--who are people--would like chocolate cake.

Almost like a computer following a logic-based workflow, perhaps?

Lots of people have been trying to figure out who in the office is the Big Bad, and many are saying Gwen just because of her ambition and her last name (Bouchard), but I think her name is a red herring. Others are saying Alice knows more than she lets on (and so many are hating on her, and I will NOT ABIDE THE ALICE DYER SHADE because I love her and I would very probably hide bodies for her) but I agree that certain things she's said are a little sus, though they really could just be her personality. I really have known some women like her, and they are some of my favorite people. (Plus, the fact that we now know that she's the most tenured employee at the OIAR--save possibly Lena--does make the brain churn some more.)

But with this line about chocolate cake, and how she was unable to join them at the pub, and how we haven't had a scene with her outside of the OIAR office, it makes me think that Lena might just be part code.

[Let me also add this really quick: I've seen A LOT of people trying to make the current episodes fit into Smirke's 14 +Dekker's 1, but I don't think the Entities as we codified them are what we're dealing with in this universe. I think trying to link everything back to that show will be a lot of wasted thought, because as they said, this isn't a direct sequel. (Do I think it's actually Jon, Martin, and Jonah--yes, Jonah, not Jurgen--trapped in the computer system? A bit, but it won't shatter my appreciation if the voices are something else entirely.)

Plus, I've seen others saying that the statements we've heard, while creepy, aren't all necessarily to do with fear. Most of them are about desires and obsessions.

The woman who wanted so desperately to see her dead husband again that she'd get scammed over and over to possibly resurrect him;

the person who wanted to spelunk an 'unsolved' site to the point of crime;

the woman who wanted to finally feel comfortable in her skin to the point of disfiguring herself;

the man who wanted so badly to climb out of his assigned station and achieve fame that he'd regularly 'feed' his violin blood from other people;

and the man who wanted to feel the same terror he felt when watching scary movies with his dad when he was a kid to the point of chasing down 'borderline illegal films' and ignoring LITERALLY ALL the red flags to the end.

I think that theory is the closest to what we may actually encounter.]

I've seen others on reddit saying they think that this series will be about the race to create the philosopher's stone--the stone that creates the elixir of life and, essentially, immortality. I think it's a valid idea. But, what if it went further than that?

Because with all the alchemical hints dropping in the show's logo, the ARG, and the 3-category system to the statements (yes, I'm keeping track) that could make one think of the spirit, the mind, and the body in alchemy....

What if they're trying to create life from software?

What if these entities or desires or whatevers have been working through some ancient busted code, feeding off statements from "real" humans experiencing strong emotions, watching the employees that work with it every single night, so they can create something as close to a human as possible from just wires and 3 decades of unreadable code?

Oh lord... it just occurred to me that--due to this being a HORROR podcast--they might need to collect a skin suit for the Not Quite Human. Is that what happened to Klaus? Ick. And now I'm hoping I'm wrong.

[angelofchaos001]

Guess what, Angel finished the Outer Wilds DLC!

And now I'm gonna spoil it for everyone so don't read if you don't want that

Summoning @doodlebug091 and @mellow-mooon

The poor owlks . . . they tried their best . . .

Really, though, they overreacted a little I think to the Prisoner. Like yes in their eyes they fucked up really badly but they did not have to lock the poor guy up like that. (Also I totally did not panic when I first opened the vault, yup, totally didn't run back towards the door as fast as I could until I saw they weren't hostile)

Overall, I did like it despite how many times this DLC downright scared me (Dude I got owlk jumpscared so many times). Only reason I was really able to play was because I had doodle's support, which helped me not be as scared playing it. Without her, there's a good chance I would not have been able to finish this lol.

I feel everyone should at least play Outer Wilds, but not everyone has to do the DLC. I did enjoy it's puzzles, though, they had a lot more instant gratification to me.

I will beat the game again since I know the Prisoner shows up in the ending sequence, but not tonight. I'm tired and don't feel like dealing with anglerfish.

I would totally read a fanfic (or write my own) about either Solanum or the Prisoner writing notes in their isolation

That's the entire fic, I think there's a genre for this but I can't spell it so bear with me. It's just told through their notes, no actual mentions of how they're doing.

Also, with the power of brainrot, I made two OC's for this game. *Sigh*

I'll post about 'em later, but Shale and Schist, both astronauts and travelers. Shale studies objects from outside the solar system and theorizes about what's beyond, and they are currently stationed at the Interloper. Schist studies flora and fauna (I've made up a lot of plants and animals for them to research) and looks at how they live and survive, and they are currently stationed at the Ash Twin.

Doodle also came up with two OC's (Tin and Bismuth) and if she doesn't eventually talk about them I'll force them to since they're cool. (I won't spoil what they study. Doodle can tell you)

[stonerskinny]

why does alcohol have so many cals 😭

weighed at 277 just now, it really is crazy what a single 💩 and a nap will do for you LMAO

now do i want to risk ruining that w alc and possible binging or do i just go back 2 sleep and be good

i’m 22hrs into this fast meaning if i skip going out and having fun i can take my sleep meds and probably get to 36hrs easy but i can also see the scenario where they just don’t kick in and i end up binging anyway plus i just was aiming for 18hrs

ugh why are there so many ways this could go

the switch is flipping actively, i think. who knew i just needed to get out of the cycle for a night.

i feel like i have something to prove. which i hesitate to admit, but it’s true. apparently when all your friends are restricters and your entire ed is just you failing at restricting, theres some interesting shame stuff that comes up LOL sometimes i just feel like a lazy gross piece of shit compared to everyone in my life because i am like this unhinged fucking glutton and everyone else has the discipline i’d commit war crimes to have

i feel like a wannarexic sometimes which i basically am

i just want to do something right and the only thing i care about is this which i am royally terrible at. sometimes it’s like all i know how to do is eat, doesn’t matter that i purge because im so big.

you know i’m gonna have to lose just over 2/3 my body weight to get to where i wanna be. that’s a lot of fucking weight and there’s no way i end up without loose skin so basically im fucked if i lose to where i wanna be, and fucked if i go crazy and decide to recover because i’ll still be huge. maybe if i actually worked out i wouldn’t end up w so much loose skin or if i did this slowly but slowly pisses me off because my brain is all about that instant gratification

the longer i’m awake the more i want to binge fuck

but i know i will regret it. i knowwwww i will. because ill feel bloated and ill gain and it’ll fucking suck. or ill purge, one of the two. there’s no excuse for it though. this body does not need food, it has PLENTY of natural resources to live on lmao.

i wish i didn’t most likely have the hellscape combo of hypothyroidism + PCOS which both individually make weight loss hard and weight gain so easy. but at the same time i can’t erase my failure by crying about genetics, if i really wanted to get there i’d already have gotten there long ago so now im just wasting everyone’s time.

can u tell the suicidality came back so strong tonite lol

i wonder how many ppl actually read these monstrosities that i write. how many ppl actually absorb my thoughts. trippy

sometimes i think i don’t actually have an eating disorder at all because i am just so inconsistent with anything besides binging. which i know is its own ed but let my silly little rat brain have its moment.

also apparently i literally sleep like the dead bc my hr was 40 when i was sleeping earlier so that’s fun no wonder i wake up feeling like a fucking corpse every day

okay that’s all for now i’ll spare y’all the rest of my brain while i lay here and mentally debate the pros and cons of both trazodone and tequila

[izzyspussy]

Hey. So. I just had a thought. Totally out of the blue. What about OFMD characters as Tarot cards, huh? Whadaya think? Totally unprompted thought.

Wow, what a strange and interesting thought to have without any kind of cue at all... 🤔

Okay disclaimer. This isn't going to have everyone or tbh even most of 'em, because this post is fully brought to you by how no character has more perfectly exemplified The Hermit to me before and not much else.

Stede + The Fool

I think Stede and Ed both fit this very well (among other characters). I had a plan a while back to draw a card where Stede was The Fool upright and Ed was The Fool Reversed except instead of The Fool and The Fool Reversed it was Fuck Around and Find Out, but then I couldn't find reference pics I liked and I actually can't draw. So. But anyway. I don't feel like I need to defend this pick? Stede is at the beginning of the journey of his life and he's got a youthful energy because of that, but he's ill prepared and needs guidance!

Ed + The Devil

Fave card alert. Ed has a pretty clear "dark side" that he believes he can keep separate from his "good side" - which of course is not possible, they coexist. This dark side consists of his temper, his traumatic past, his self loathing, etc, all things brought up in The Devil. He also tries to satisfy these darker things with instant gratification type shit - drugs, sex(? metaphorical? who can say what he's been doing to Izzy or not askfjsk, but at least it was literal with Jack anyway), physical destruction, sadism, etc. He also has himself convinced he has no control or choice over his actions, that he's just evil or whatever, which this card addresses. The Devil can also represent a powerful and passionate relationship - or a codependent one, like Ed and Izzy's. And of course he also does literally just call himself the Devil straight-up. Who am I to argue.

Zheng + The Empress

I mean she has an Empire, so. A bit on the nose, but you can't beat 1:1 accuracy lmao. She also has her balancing act between tenderness and authoritarianism. She's nurturing (so far, but considering her ship is called the Red Flag I doubt that's gonna last or will be proven disingenuous soon, but anyway...) but it can't be questioned that she is the Ruler of Rulers.

Oluwande + Strength

Patience! Gentleness not from the lack of violence but despite the abundance of it! Commitment! Steadfastness! Emotional endurance! Yeah!

Ben + The Hermit

My longest yeah boi ever. A man at a remote location in nature that may or may not materially exist, there to guide a lone, lost visitor to understanding of himself in absolute spiritual solitude. I mean, there have been purgatories just like this one in fiction before, but none of them quite struck The Hermit so hard on the nail for me as Ben did.

Izzy + The Hanged Man

*ominous - and disconcertingly horny - chanting* Whipping Boy! Whipping Boy! Whipping Boy! Not just that, though, of course. As a character Izzy also represents the need to put things on pause and think them the fuck through before you do some stupidass shit. He wanted a plan, and when he didn't get one he put a screeching fucking halt to god damn everything. And then he didn't fully think through his own actions either and got fucking murdered about it lol. He also, narratively, represents a differing perspective (at least in season one) from the accepted standard, that without considering - as many """fans""" have proven lmfao - you cannot fully understand the story. Izzy is also the number one guy who would need to take The Hanged Man's advice. Give up, bud!!! It's over!!! Stop torturing yourself!!! (Don't actually though, babygirl you look so good 🫦)

Black Pete + Knight of Cups

He's so romantic... *dreamy sigh* When he's at his best, he's compassionate, understanding, emotionally available and expressive, and has such an innocent natural charm. At his less best, he's constantly talking talk he actually can't or won't back up with action. "I'm a perfect shot," he says, and then balks at being asked to shoot something mere hours later. He has an idealized, unrealistic view of himself.

Jim + Page of Wands

Like The Fool, the Page of Wands is at the beginning of their journey, but they are still deliberating about where exactly it is they want to go. Jim in particular has two clear paths they can take in becoming the person they'll be. They can take the path of revenge and ruthlessness laid out for them by Nana and Blackbeard, or they can take the path of redemption and compassion they're being invited to by Oluwande and Stede. And the only way to figure out which way to go is to look internally and discover what they truly want, and choose the path that will give them that.

Frenchie + Page of Swords

Frenchie is full of ideas and enthusiasm! But he's also very adaptable, and though he's got that youthful energy he is not necessarily lacking in awareness or experience. He's a Jack of all trades like The Magician, but without the social separation or ambition. Reversed, Page of Swords can represent repression and lack of communication, which Frenchie "Invented Compartmentalization" is clearly familiar with. It can also be about promises you can't - or have no intention to - keep, like Frenchie's murderboat First Mate duties.

We don't really need to address how BlackBonnet are The Lovers, I think. And I've already seen more than one fanart of BlackHands as Three of Swords, so I'll just mark that correct shall I? ✔️ Keep 'em coming baby.

Thank you so much for indulging me, Andie!! IDK if you're even in this fandom at all or not alsfjks, but I hope you like these answers anyway.

[neutralferal]

a continuation of my last post, but i think alcibiades is a great candidate for histrionic personality disorder with narcissistic traits (personal experience with hpd as someone who is histrionic).

i by no means am as knowledgeable about him as some of yall, but based on what i've read and the research i've had access to, this is it. THIS IS A DISCUSSION so please feel free to discuss. i love psychoanalyzing characters and figures alike.

histrionic symptoms that fit Alcibiades very well:

• feeling underappreciated or depressed when not the center of attention

• rapidly shifting and/or shallow emotions

• dramatic and/or extremely emotionally expressive, to the point of embarrassing themselves or others

• "larger than life" presence

• consistently charming or flirtatious

• overly concerned with physical appearances, and will use their appearance to attract the attention of others

• inappropriate sexual behavior with others, even those they may not be attracted to

• dramatic speech and expression of strong opinions, even without facts/details to back them

• easily influenced by others, especially those they love or admire (socrates is the first person that comes to mind)

• difficulty maintaining relationships, often seeming fake and/or shallow in their interactions with others

• need for instant gratification, and frustrated/depressed when they don't receive it

• constantly seeking reassurance or approval

the causes of hpd can be from birth, childhood trauma, and/or lack of parental guidance or boundaries. in the case of Alcibiades, i think a big factor in his hpd would be the lack of parental boundaries, considering his relationship with his uncle, Pericles, and his seemingly strained relationship with his mother.

narcissistic personality traits that fit Alcibiades very well:

• grandiose sense of self or self-importance with a belief in superiority

• willingness to exploit others, consciously or unconsciously

• lack or or shifting sense of empathy

• frequent envy, including expecting others to be envious of them

• arrogance, including patronizing behavior and talking down/condescendingly to others

people with npd may also avoid situations where they feel they will be vulnerable or they think will be limited in their achievements. they also may react negatively to criticism, rejection, and/or failure, which we see happen frequently with alcibiades.

i think this is a fairly decent summary of what i think was wrong with alcibiades. couple all of this with the fact that there were many who praised/encouraged his behavior, it's not surprise that he turned out Like That.

thank you for coming to my ted talk. discuss lol

[tayfabe75]

Hi. Hope all is well. Was wondering what your thoughts are on TTPD double album as well as the video of the lead single. I see so many references to Matty in the video. The black dog. The black and white aesthetic. The lying down like Peanut on the patch of grass. The wedding dress imagery. The rain like when she played Question that night of the rain show. The leather jacket and silver ring Post Malone has in the last scenes. The faces like twins as well as the twin flames imagery. The writing to each other via typewriter standing in for the phones they used. The album itself is gut wrenching. And of course the past relationship of 2014 comes to light and I saw someone say that she used to party with the back then and they did date but her parents broke it up because of his drug use and no one was allowed to talk about but that it was well know by everyone around them. 31 songs is a lot to take in especially when many of them have similarities to 1975 songs so I am still processing it but was wondering what you thought. Thx

Hello again! All is well, just… my head hasn't stopped spinning for a week so I haven't posted much as I process it all! lol

I can't believe we got a double album after all that clowning. It definitely felt like a "be careful what you wish for" sort of moment, because I have been in a constant state of shock and overwhelm trying to make sense of these 31 songs!

You're right! TTPD is bursting at its seams with references to Matty and The 1975, their sound and aesthetic, etc. I'm going to be posting all of the parallels that have been found in the coming days. I'm not ready to definitively list which songs are or aren't about Matty, but there are a few smoking guns, to say the least - TTPD being one of them. The fact that this track shares a title with the album, hints that it's mostly telling a cohesive story (as I believe ALL of Taylor's albums do!)

There are a lot of people coming out of the woodwork lately claiming they know insider information about Taylor and Matty back in the day. I'm personally not impressed with any of that, not in the age of clickbait and instant gratification for lying, especially while they're a hot topic of conversation right now.

But the good news is… you don't need anything other than their discographies to piece together their story, and TTPD seems like it was about a much earlier time in their history, especially given she was working on this album prior to May 2023. Not to mention, I don't for one minute believe Matty had ANY type of relapse while on tour, either (I am incredibly, INCREDIBLY disheartened by "fans" who assumed otherwise based on his stage performance). Lastly, the fact the album exists at all, with SO many blatant references to Matty alongside references to his drug use - makes me feel pretty confident that Taylor would not release any of this without his blessing. Thanks for the ask! 🤍

[remcycl333]

How do I stop excepting my desires to instantly physically come to me after I accept them? like I think thats my main problem, I’m always expecting it to show up instantly

this is something i struggled with at the beginning of my manifestation journey as well. and by beginning i mean first year and a half lol. i knew that manifestation was instant and that it was possible for me to get my desire in my 3d instantly, so i was completely hung up on that. i'd say an affirmation or two and then instantly look for my desire in my 3d.

obviously there was multiple problems with this. 1) i was checking the 3d, and 2) i was affirming (and doing other methods) from lack.

what really helped me to stop caring if i saw it in my physical reality instantly was to realize that constantly searching for it was what was keeping it from me. i was stuck in a loop of affirming, checking the 3d, seeing nothing had changed, and then throwing a fit and "starting over." months ended up going by with no progress and i was fed up. i really wanted this desire, and no matter how many months went by i still wanted it just as much as i did when i started. so i eventually decided that if i couldn't manifest instantly, i'd put in the work for my future self. sure, i might not get my desires right this second, but at least my future self would, and she wouldn't still be stuck in this frustrating loop with nothing to show for it.

so i worked on changing my 4d, knowing that my 3d would have to change EVENTUALLY. that's how the law works, after all. i stopped seeking validation from my 3d bc i knew that was what was keeping my manifestation from me. i persisted without caring about how long it would take. even if it would take a month, at least my future self would be happy and have her desires. manifesting isn't just to bring something into your life right now, it's also an investment for your future. i started viewing it as that, rather than expecting instant gratification.

i know a lot of this is easier said than done (i mean it took me a good year and a half to come to this conclusion lol) but it's a choice you have to make for yourself and stick to it. no one can do it for you. you really just gotta get fed up with yourself and put your foot down and decide to go all in

[mitziholder]

apologies for being weird and hogging your inbox like this but i LOVE your thoughts on fandom and i think very few people talk about it in a critical way without completely condemning the entire occupation. in my experience people (not just on this website but in general) tend to take a very black and white view of fandom/fic, probably because it can feel like a very personal thing for many; either they're 'normies' who think all fanworks are 'cringe' or they're the anything goes kind of person. radfems seem to me to be the only ppl who aren't overly defensive of the enterprise but can still enjoy fanworks critically. its nice to see women who aren't like. Fandom Moms talking about these things at length. i think you're one of the few people i've agreed with regarding this subject so far :/ your analyses are very much appreciated and i'd love to read more of what you think (especially regarding the point about navigating trauma). have a good day!

oh and also regarding the whole 'i want women to read better thing' ive always felt this idea that fandom culture is above criticism (or criticising it is inherently misogynistic) is in some ways an extension or at least related to the societal notion that women should be confined to the fluffy feeling aspects of writing and art and aren't as capable of intellectually engaging with things (and of course some 'criticisms' of fan culture ARE misogynistic but i'm not referring to those atm). and obviously there isn't anything inherently WRONG with silly fluff novels or romance (especially romance of course as one can certainly explore that subject in depth and i actually think there's a lack of well written romance out there) but it still feels like a limitation on female growth to normalise women ONLY reading fanfiction or even only certain brands of genre fiction i guess? and i find it sad that so many women seem to almost buy into that idea nowadays or shoot down any sort of criticism with the 'stop shaming female desire' catchphrase. and considering that there is still a dearth of well made original female work for women in pop culture (that act as cultural touchstones in the same way a lot of male works do) it's even more depressing that a lot of fanwork centers men. sorry if this comes off as insufferably pretentious lmao! i'm not even against fanwork i mean this is tumblr i still enjoy things but hopefully you know what i mean lol

like i mean. there's a reason why fanfiction is seen as primarily a female affair (even though a lot of the highly regarded published fanfics are by men. u know the neil gaiman stuff or whatever). its sort of a reassurance that women are 'limited' to writing fanworks. idk. i guess i want women to do better idk if im making any sense

ok, mandatory disclaimer that what I’m describing here is a series of trends, trends I’ve observed within fandom at large including both fanfiction readers/writers and fujos more broadly. obviously, not everyone who reads fanfic or yaoi is a woman (though the vast majority are). obviously, not every woman who reads fanfic or yaoi is a stunted teenager who refuses to engage with any other media. I will also admit that not every fanfic is jimin ABO. I don’t think that fanfic is inherently cringe or low-quality, and there are certainly a lot of respectable published works that have been created with other people’s characters or settings. but, as I’ve said, the vast majority of fanworks in the modern day are essentially pornographic mad libs. I find that disappointing. and there’s no reason it has to be this way… except for all the reasons I’ve outlined in my other posts.

things that are lazy and thoughtless and easy, that provide instant gratification, are generally more popular than things that are difficult or uncomfortable. clearly. but people who denounce all fanfic/fanfic writers and pigeonhole it as low-effort slop are not actually interested in helping the women who write it achieve their fullest potential, because they do not believe those women have any potential. it’s true that some criticisms of fan culture and fanworks are purely misogynistic… but I care about women’s voices, and I do want women to be able to express themselves. I’m not on a quest to stop women from writing or reading fanfic. I’ve been slightly flip about the subject, but truthfully, not everything that is “derivative” is bad, and there’s no reason that fanworks couldn’t be good. it’s just that the culture around them is so intensely sensitive - anti-“shaming” - that women are terrified of saying anything about the level of quality or the potentially harmful nature of most fanfiction because they don’t want to devalue media created by and for other women.

I think that’s a disservice to women as a whole. not everything we write is valuable. I’ve written plenty of crap in the pursuit of getting better - plenty of crap I currently disagree with. and if our work can’t withstand criticism - if we shut down immediately at any hint of a deeper, more unflattering analysis of what’s really going on… then what’s the point? what are we communicating? that female fantasies exist in a compartmentalized bubble far and away from our politics and intellectual pursuits? that we should be able to j/o to rape fantasies without question because it’s not that serious? that the personal is political, except for when it isn’t… and we should all be quiet and let women write whatever they want free of criticism lest we shame them so hard they go into hiding? my standards might be a tad high, but that is setting the bar… dangerously low. it’s also patronizing. since when has “just let women enjoy things!!” ever gotten us anywhere? since when has that been a cornerstone of feminist thought? is that really the best we can do? are we really so fragile?

I’ve seen a glut of posts about how useless and harmful constructive criticism supposedly is. the reasoning is always basically the same:

criticism is mean/toxic/discouraging

maybe I’m too hardened by countless death wishes I got on my old blog, but, in my experience, whenever I have something I want to say or a point I want to make, very little can keep me from doing so. I can’t imagine being so bothered by what random Internet people think. it’s important to remember that being able to determine what criticism is valuable is a skill in itself. disavowing criticism as a whole because some of it is “toxic”/discouraging is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

criticism is pointless; perfection is unattainable

of course nothing is ever going to be perfect. but if that’s your attitude, why bother editing? (rhetorical question. some fanfic authors do post unedited works… just because they can.) hell, why write? why get up in the morning? why make your bed? why try anything new at all? it’s a completely absurd, defeatist attitude. like the first point, it also reeks of intellectual laziness and self-satisfaction.

you could just be nice and say what you liked instead because that’s helpful too

please don’t blow smoke up my ass. in editing, I want to fix things that don’t work and to trim the fat. is it “kind” or “helpful” to let me do something completely stupid because you’re too afraid of embarrassing or offending me to say as much? also, knowing what people like is useful in producing more of what people like - it doesn’t help me do anything new or different. there is nothing less helpful to me than saying “good job!” when I ask you to read my work. it’s certainly nice (as long as you actually read it), but it’s not helpful.

it’s published, the author is through with it, and they don’t want to touch it anymore

I plan to do everything I can to edit and improve my writing before the thing is drawn and published, but I’m sure some flaws will inevitably slip through the cracks. currently, I’m rewriting entire chapters from the beginning because they became incompatible with what I wanted out of the series as it progressed. considering that a lot of people write fanfic on a chapter-by-chapter basis with only a very vague trope-strung outline, I have to wonder why they’re so averse to major overhauls. sure, it’s not pleasant, but don’t you want your writing to be the best that it can be? what is the purpose of uploading it if you don’t want the thing to be responded to as it is, warts and all?

also, not all criticism is limited to the specific work it’s derived from; many things can be extrapolated to future works as well. how are we supposed to correct trends that could lead to a decrease in the quality of future works if we can’t even point them out?

fanfiction is a hobby, and hobbies should be fun

I’m not under the impression that I’ll ever be able to make a living from my writing. I do it as a “hobby” in my spare time simply for the fact that I need an outlet for my thoughts - I need to organize them in some way. writing is an art form that we use to communicate meaning and to make sense of the world around us. your goal as a writer may be to have fun, but it isn’t mine. overgeneralizing and building an entire subculture around the pursuit of mindless fun limits what fanfiction and amateur writing have the potential to be.

you could just go read something else that you like more

actually, no. I don’t like any of it. I’m sorry if saying that is offensive to the 38-year-old she/they whose blog post I grabbed this from. most fanfic is bad. I yearn for the exploration of topics that are categorically not explored in fanfic - because the scope of what fanfic is interested in is constantly narrowing, feeding on itself, like an ouroboros. this problem is only going to get worse over time. why wouldn’t I be bothered? why can’t I say it’s a shame?

mass media and tiktok are worse!

maybe, but so what? at least the majority of people who spend their time watching tiktok videos and bad TV don’t act like it’s a suitable replacement for real literature. and at least there aren’t tiktok compilations being listed on goodreads(?)

anyway, more to the point, fandom is full of technically competent writers. but if they continue to insulate themselves within fandom or fandom-adjacent offshoots, they will never be great writers, because great writing requires tight editing (the elimination of things that are pointless and redundant), syntactic fluency, organizational skills, and, most importantly, an individual voice - an artistic vision - interpreting individual ideas… things that are born of criticism and a diversity of influences that are not present or valued within fandom in its current state. great writing cannot be made in a vacuum. great writers don’t allow themselves to be broken or stifled by criticism they disagree with.

sure, no one has a responsibility to be a great writer, and mediocre writing isn’t a moral failure… but I’m certainly not going to be happy about it, especially when the prevailing attitude is “fanfic is art… but I make what I want for myself and sharing it with you is a privilege and therefore you can’t criticize it!” how boring! how utterly conceited! my god. throwing a temper tantrum because you’re not 100% in control of how others perceive or respond to your creation. put it in a diary and not on a public forum if that bothers you so much… (but then, of course, you couldn’t count kudos.)

I do have a plan to touch on some of my other gripes since you asked so nicely. but this response is, once again, getting too long, and those things have little to do with what I was complaining about here. I’ve got an outline for a post I’ll develop and publish later as a final note on this convo, since at that point I really will have said all that I have to say… thanks again for writing in :-)

[fangswbenefits]

RUBY! Omg the last chapter! Was it really over 4k words? I felt like I read it in 3mins flat. So good. The angst and pining is as usual just chefs kiss :-*. And the way you are having Astarion deal with his trauma is fairly realistic for him. He doesn't trust people and doesn't understand where his limits are, because they have always been trampled by others. And he's probably thinking - I've done this before, why cant i now? And ya know, he's impulsive, he just wants what he wants, when he wants it and doesn't understand why he can't get there faster (he's almost 300 years old, I'd be pissed too lol). Trusting the person he's with is key, being shown that he can say no, that he can do things without committing to a 2 hour seduction fuckfest and relaxing with mild touching can be very gratifying.

Please don't let people rush your development. I come from the Stucky fandom, where SA trauma and healing are a huuuge part of most narratives. These things take time. I think the people that are being fussy are just not used to having to wait for the 'pay off' and are expecting instant gratification. Please don't give it to them lol. There are plenty of fics they can read with more immediate spicy bits as the fandom is rapidly growing, so they'll be fine lol.

As for the heat/pining. Holy shit. I know they are both so fragile and are walking around on eggshells, but god damn is there a need for physical touch and healing, and I can't wait to see how you explore that. Just cuddling and mild touching can be so powerful (not to mention hot). I hate that it's currently with Ava. I don't hate her, I want to, though. I mostly just want her to be very pissed off. I still maintain she's his accountant, and they are trying to cripple BGs economy, but she's just semi nude all the time.😝 but also, fuck Ava. But preferably not by Astarion.

Which brings me back to the people trying to rush the sex...do they not see the potential for all the comfy sex that could come later? All the kinky shit that might be, between two people that want and trust eachother?

Long story short, love the new chapter. Thanks for reading my novel of an ask. Gotta go check out all the other places and sing your praises there too. Omg, 500 messages on the discord thread, jesus. I have to catch up!

I love how thorough your feedback is 🩷 thank you so much, friend!

Tomorrow's chapter will be more chill (in a way) and I'm hoping to address some of your points here 👀👀👀👀👀