#you to tell me how it sucks bc i assume you know everything abt every animanga ever' (<does unfortunately know too much abt rent a gf bc i'

[k1rishiki]

oh yeah. the reason why i decided to reread tbhk (and thus it was able to hit me like a truck this time around) was actually not bc of mitsukou going canon but actually bc i maybe accidentally started a tbhk book club w my kids at work and wanted to check the contents of it justttt in case before i put the books in their hands

[spiderstyles04]

COBRA KAI SN 3 SPOILERS

Episode 1:

Can’t stand the fact that they’re trying to make Sam the victim, fuck the white bitch 😤. (okay yeah she’s kinda the victim but like she deserves to be blamed)

I can’t stand the fact that everybody keeps trying to make Robby the villain (ik he’s MIA, but the words they’re calling him make me wanna punt their asses into oblivion 🧎🏽‍♂️🏌️)

Episode 2:

Kreese is actually fucking sadistic wtf.

fuck men (esp. those that prey on young girls).

cops @ the prison rlly said: “I aint see nothin at all -👄-“.

wow so you can definitely see who is Johnny’s priority! Instead of continuing to look for his missing son, he went to go see Miguel🖕🏻.

and Miguel is like boohoo why’d this happen to me it’s all Johnny’s fault. Uh no it’s partially yours for accelerating the fight. Shouldn’t have gotten in the middle of a fight if you wanted to come out unharmed.

Robby blaming himself for everything and worry abt the others before himself is making me cry my eyes out pls 😭😖.

Daniel fucking Larusso rlly said let’s catch this scared teenage boy off guard and have a cop sneak up on him and arrest him

Episode 3:

I hate that Robby is in jail but he looks hot af

Not the LaRussos blaming Robby’s grudge on him being a teenage. Like you literally had a cop sneak up on a terrified kid and you expect him to take your calls???? I think tf not.

Sksks Sam rlly out here acting like Tory got angry outta nowhere and that she had no reason for being brutal. Yeah having a bad background doesn’t justify bullying but you kinda provoked her. YOU KISSED ANOTHER GIRL’S BOYFRIEND WHILE YOU HAD ONE OF YOUR OWN. SUCK IT UP AND SHUT UP LIL BABY.

Not Robby fighting with guys in prison over their comments abt Sam of all ppl 💀 she’s the reason you’re in there and she cheated, what the fuck are you defending her for?

sad puppy Robby is making me tear up shit I love him too much to see him in pain 😖

God I hate Eli. Imagine being jealous of not being able to creative enough to raise money for your friend so you resort to stealing the money from the only ones able to get money for him 💀.

“Douche clown” BAHAHA.

NOT JOHNNY MISSING OUT ON SEEING ROBBY BC HE WAS WITH MIGUEL HE COULD’VE CALLED AND LET HIM KNOW FUCK JOHNNY

Episode 4:

NOT JOHNNY ASSUMING THAT ROBBY IS THE ONE STARTING FIGHTS (reminds me of Jess and Rory from Gilmore Girls when she accused him of fighting with Dean when rlly he just got attacked by a bird)

I love that Robby is telling Johnny off like PERIODT KING GO OFF

Nah if some idiot wrecked my lego diagram that took me weeks to build, I’d knock him on his ass no hesitation. Idgaf if I got expelled

Not the counselor completely disregarding the fact that Dimitri’s project was wrecked

Every time Johnny enters Robby’s life, he just makes shit harder for him. I feel horrible for my bby

Kreese has a god complex & I wanna put him in the ground 🕳👨🏻‍🦽👩🏽‍🦯

Little miss princess got some anger issues oop

Not Johnny making a paralyzed kid get out of bed 💀

THOSE KIDS IN JUVIE BOUTA FEEL MY WRATH MFRS DISRESPECTING ROBBY MAKE ME WANNA SKSKSJSB

KREESE BETTER BACK THE EVERLOVING FUCK AWAY FROM MY BBY ROBBY I WILL NOT HESITATE TO RECREATE A CRIMINAL MINDS EPISODE WITH YOUR BODY GRANDPA DONT TEST ME

Episode 5:

Robby basically telling Kreese to fuck off and tell talk to “somebody who gives a shit” is everything to me I love him

Not Johnny using a sex magazine to motivate Miguel 🤢

If Robby gets back with Sam I will RIOT

Imagine taking pleasure from terrorizing others and children sksksk couldn’t be me

Damn it Robby you shouldn’t be fighting. It’s only gonna make your sentence worse bby. Ik he’s an asshole, but you gotta be the bigger man

The fight in the lazer tag place I- not even gonna comment

YAY MIGUEL GOT SOME MOVEMENT BACK IN HIS LEGS

POP OFF MRS. LARUSSO YOU PUT KREESE IN HIS PLACE

Episode 6:

I’m glad Eli is abt to get the vibe check he deserves

Miguel rlly should choose what he says more wisely like sir you can’t just tell the angry mentally unstable girl that she needs help sksksksk those are words of war to her

Oh Mrs. LaRusso getting in on the action lmao

Episode 7:

Damn Tory rlly wakes up every day and chooses violence uh it was a dream nvm

There’s no fooking way Miguel recovered from a spinal injury so quickly 🙄 also why’d they throw away the wheelchair??? That shit is expensive af

Imagine having a dad that actually feels genuinely bad for not keep up with your life SKSK couldn’t be me

I haven’t seen Robby in a hot minute and I’m getting pissed abt it.

I love when ppl tell Eli off. Gives me a diff kind of joy

tf is Eagle Fang sksksks

@ Kreese: Bye bitch 🥴

Episode 8:

THE DIFFERENCE BTWN THE THREE DOJOS IS SO FUNNY BAHAHAHAH

I cant believe they’re dicusssing Kreese when they’re abt to pick up Robby I- none of these men are fit to be stable father figured to him

Glad Robby told them to fuck off bc when the going gets tough, unfortunately, they will always choose someone else over Robby

But I’m all here for Miguel’s character development. Looks like soon I’ll have a total of 2 characters that I like on this show

NOT ROBBY DEFENDING SAM FOR CHEATING AND CALLING IT A MISTAKE PLS YOU ARE SO NAIVE SHUT UP SHES A STUPID GIRL WHO THINKS SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING PLS OPEN YOUR EYES

Eyyy go off Miguel preach

Nvm fuck that. I’m glad Robby walked in on Miguel and Sam flirting so he could see she isn’t all she’s cracked up to be. I’m glad he’s telling them off. I just hate that they’re making him out to be a villain, AGAIN UGH

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO IF ONLY YALL COULD HEAR MY SCREAM OF ANGUISH WHEN ROBBY WALKED THROUGH THE DOORS OF COBRA KAI BABY NO YOURE THE GOOD GUY DONT GO WITH THE FUCKING PSYCHOTIC ASSHAT PLEASE

Episode 9:

Fuck fuck fuck I’m terrified for this episode

MERRY CHRISTMAS 🎄

oh shit Ali...

Trouble is in the air....

Miguel and Sam 🙄😀

Oh so Robby is back in his sn 1 wardrobe... 🤬

OH I SWEAR FOR FUCKS SAKE IF TORY AND ROBBY GET TOGETHER I WILL STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR GOOD ISTG

PERIODT ROBBY DENY THE BEER A WISE DECISION

Not you making bad decisions again Robby smh we’re trying to keep you out of jail

I repeat... if Robby and Tory get together I am RIOTING

Fuck Johnny

Episode 10 - final episode:

I am the quintessential example of seething anger. If I was an anime character, I’d have steam coming out of my ears and a tic mark on my forehead smh

BAHAHAH DANIEL’S GLACES TO JOHNNY ARE SENDING ME

Tory has got some anger issues that surpass even my own, and that’s saying something

Also why tf are they fighting in Sam’s house??? Like I don’t like her but thats not only trespassing passing on private property, but the damages they’re causing are gonna cost a buttload

I’m just glad that Robby isn’t there to fight. Thank you bby

I LOVE THE MUSIC IN THE FIGHT SCENE WE LOVE SOME ROCK CHRISTMAS INSTRUMENTALS

I love the fact that Eli is realizing how fucking stupid he’s been acting

NO ROBBY DONT FIGHT JOHNNY YOU DONT KNOW THE FULL PICTURE BABY STOP BEING FUCKING DUMB

NO JOHNNY THREW ROBBY INTO THE LOCKERS FUCK IS HE OKAY IS BABY OKAY

DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT KREESE DONT PICK IT UP YOU GERIATRIC ASSWIPE

NO ROBBY IS FULLY UNCONSCIOUS FUCK IF I WAS THERE I WOULD BE ABLE TO HELP BC IM FIRST AID TRAINED AND CPR CERTIFIED CALL 911 JOHNNY

YAY DANIEL TO THE RESCUE

I’m still crying over Robby fuck

Everybody over here hashing shit out and Robby is inside the dojo like X👄X

NVM HES OKAY HES WALKING IT OFF

NO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP BITCH BC YOURE STILL NOT THINKING STRAIGHT WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH KREESE GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

Anyways all in all, fuck season 3 gn

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

Going off of the break-up headcanons (they broke my heart btw) what about some cheating headcanons? As in, an S/O that is caught cheating by one of the Papas or Copia.

Hello i am glad those break up hcs got to yall bc i was really hoping they would. also one of the other asks from wattpad was the opposite of this one, how would they react if they were caught cheating on their s/o and how would they earn back their trust, so another long full band one! also im only doing the ones i WANT TO because this is MY (and nyx’s) BLOG and thats that

Papa I: Old fashioned man does not cheat. He simply doesn’t. he shockingly still believes in true love, and soulmates, and The One, after all this time. If ever did cheat it would take enough liquor for his eyes to stop working and a really manipulative person to make him think it was you. and if that happened, he would surely run right home and tell you. he would explain that he never wanted it, and that it shouldn’t have happened, and every little detail he can remember, and expect forgiveness. Unfortunately, bc he’s so ass over tits for the idea of love, if his s/o cheated on him for any reason, he wouldn’t show that he’s bothered any more than he has too. all he wants is to be with you. to be together. he won't let something like a pesky infidelity keep him from that.

Papa II: Like I said before, he has no time for the trivial. if youre not in it for the long run, you’re a one night stand, and even then. The only thing he would possibly cheat for is if he started to have feelings for someone else, but he knows that means he never cared about the first person enough, so he would probably leave sooner than he would cheat. but if everything happened so suddenly with the new person... maybe he would get himself too tied up before he could end things with the first. And he would feel awful about it. But if he was full into his s/o and found out they cheated, he would be heartbroken. Devastated. You're not the person he thought you were. you never were that person. he doesn't even know who you are anymore. there's no point in trying to forgive or beg for it in his eyes - some mistakes you can't write over. some trust you cant win back. 

Papa III: He... has dabbled in poly relationships. he quickly establishes these limits with any new partner - can you sleep with other people, what counts as cheating, how is the situation handled? - and makes sure he knows the rules that you're both comfortable with. so in that sense, he’s never cheated. but he has slept with others outside of his relationship, with his partners express knowledge. that being said, he’s been cheated on plenty of times when his partners agreed to be monogamous and lied. the worst part about it is he gave them a chance to say what they wanted, and made sure they knew that the rules could change at any time if they talked about it, but they still went behind his back and made him look like a fool. And III doesn’t take very kindly to being made a fool.

Cardinal Copia: Morally Ambiguous Copia Mode: Enabled. He would cheat if he felt he need to. if it would get him where he wanted to be - that includes any bosses or higher ups (youre telling me he was III’s assistant and never sucked him off??? ok....) but he wouldn’t cheat for any other reason. and he would DEFINITELY keep it a secret. the less they know the better, for both of them. If his s/o cheated on him for any reason they could have avoided, there will be hell to pay. that is, if he stays. the chances of him ever trusting you  he wont check your phone, or ask where youve been, he just wont ask at all because he assumes anything you tell him will be a lie. he wants you to know that he doesnt care what you say, whether you can make it up to him eventually or it tears you two apart.

Dew: Shockingly good at being faithful and loyal, but, we all slip up sometimes. out of all the people he’s been with, hes only cheated on two of them, and it was because he couldn’t stop himself - believe me, he tried. he was just so desperate and you weren't around and they were throwing themselves at him... what do you expect? but it’s not something he makes a habit of, and he feels worse about it than he expects his s/o will. if they ever cheated on him, he would feel just as bad. probably blame himself for not being good enough, or not being there when you wanted him. the worst thing that could happen is that if it wasn’t only cheating, but a full blown affair. if they had feelings for the other person, and didn’t want to be with him anymore. that would break his little heart.

Swiss: i just made a little separate post abt this for him. Swiss is a serial cheater. You would think he’d know this about himself, but he constantly gets into relationships and agrees to be monogamous because he thinks he’s changed, but really, he hasn’t. and he doesn’t cheat with malicious intent ever, he just likes the thrill of doing something he knows he shouldn’t, and doesnt think its reasonable of anyone to expect him to only be having one lover when theres so many people in the world to love. Inversely, if he caught or found out his s/o was cheating before he got the chance, he would lose his mind. Go on about how could you betray his trust like that, and how he’ll never love again. really toxic out here im not going to lie. But he doesn’t really care, he just wants to make you feel bad, and hes onto the next in less than a few hours.

[jjkfire]

>:0 tumblr fjdjjsndissk i was just saying wowowow i’m amazed how on top of being a fic writer u also work with data in a i assume money related field? like your writing and ideas are so fleshed out !!!! it’s so good !! i’m an engineer and i’ve occasionally thought abt starting writing myself but i don’t ever feel like i’ll have the time to come up with such fleshed out stories but like you are writing goals girl!!! keep up the great work bby

STEM fam, I know what you mean about not having the time hahaha. to be very honest, I only wrote in college when I was trying to procrastinate. I'd be like should I write my lab report or write a fic? and I would choose to write a fic and later on panic and try to finish my lab report... but by then i would only have like 1/5th of the time I originally budgeted hahahaha.

about being able to write stories, that comes with practice! you just have to start 😊 maybe your first story won't be the best but we all start somewhere!!! i mean, i think you can defo see the progress in my writing from courage -> escape -> to all my other fics. the beauty of writing is that 100 words can move you just as much as 10000 words. so, just start! when you start, you’re doing better than all the other people who are too afraid to do so. you’ll already be one step closer. also, askjdhskjahdkja thank you for all the kind words (”: you’re so sweet!

haha i don't work in the finance world but I defo love to invest/trade in the stock market lol. if any of you are American... you do not understand how lucky you are. legit can become a millionaire overnight bc of tesla 🙃 but i digress! there’s so much opportunity in the stock market!!!

>>> incoming finance ramble <<<

first of all, I cannot stress this enough. you should try to learn the basics of investing & trading and there are like a bazillion youtube videos at your disposal! you can make good money and safely too! it's a skill you can use for the rest of your life. like genuinely. so, number one on the list, you have to get a long term portfolio. the average annual return of the S&P500 is 7%. idk what your bank is giving you but i sure as hell can bet it’s not even remotely close to 7%. buying etfs like VOO are very typical set it and forget it type things. [look up bogleheads 3 fund portfolio! it’s a very famous investing strategy].

year to date, famous stocks are up by a lot. microsoft is up ~54%, apple is up~93% and you don’t even wanna know what the number is for tesla....... nvm i’ll tell you... it’s up ~542%, yes, five hundred and forty two percent. no, that isn’t a typo. and this is all even after they all went through the wringer back in the march covid crash.

you can google this stuff, but 100% your money will grow more in the stock market vs the bank, as long as you don’t panic (very important!) and you leave it for 20-30 years, and invest diligently (& intelligently). not to mention, you get dividends too. [but only put into the stock market what is rational for your situation. if you’re genuinely living paycheck to paycheck, don’t do it. get your 6 month emergency savings first.]

yeah and i hear you, you’re like 20-30 years? i want money now!!! good news, there’s options trading! tons of people think it takes a lot of money but two weeks ago you could've legitimately bought Wal-Mart calls for $14 a pop and then sell em 6 days later for $211. that's $197 profit for the cost of $14. patience is the game!!! don’t let fomo get you. and dont be stewpid. do your due diligence! it’s just so worth spending a few hours on youtube learning this stuff for FREE and then making money out of it... i mean are you ever gonna get a better deal???? 

i know this sounds like some mlm type shit and i literally don’t know how else to say this but if you take the time to learn it properly, you will defo make money. i made money doing debit spreads on nvidia and beyond meat just last week. not like thousands and thousands but hey, if there’s an extra 50 for me every week, i’ll take it! if you’re not american, find out if your local stock market is worth getting into. i have money in the stock market back home too. bro youtube has the answers for everything, i swear. [oh and watch out for capital gains tax! make sure you report it right!]

also, i’m a big believer in personal finance. just know your shit. do cash back/points with credit cards. NEVER be late in paying your credit card bill. NEVER! the interest on late payments will haunt you. look at your budget every month. and yes, if you really wanna know where your money goes, record every single transaction in a giant excel spreadsheet. i do it every end of the month. you’ll realize where you can cut back on spending (i save >50% of my income every month! and i live in a high COL (cost of living) city. so, it’s doable!) also, start thinking about retirement. i know, you’re (probably) young... but start thinking about it and do something about it! the earlier you start, the more bougie your life can be when you’re retired. if you’re american, take the 401k match. just. TAKE IT!!! it’s free money. if retirement plans work differently in your country (it probably does)... just do what is necessary. in malaysia, it’s automatic but the interest is so good! y’all just have to know that it’s for your future. oh and if you’ve got debts, pay off the high interest ones first no matter what. that shit will suck you dry.

personal finance. learn it. love it. don’t let the system play you. there’s money to be made in the stock market, especially now! there isn’t a better time to start learning. you can always paper trade before you put real money in. hehe sorry about the personal finance lecture but i just wished more people would get into it!!! older you will thank younger you for it!

[nozomijoestar]

Transcribed and formatted for readability the master thesis between me and @wlwclem​ on the nuances to NaraTrish together and as individuals being why we love it and respect it not being CompHet- we spent way too much Big Brain Energy on it to not share 

tw: brief mention of F-Slur when giving an example on toxic masculinity being bullshit, sexuality is briefly discussed in a non sexualizing way and in no graphic detail

*insert IM TRISH KIN BUCCIARATI joke here*

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:45 PM

JDDBSJDBD YES bc ofc she gotta be Reassuring but at the same time his Himboism Knows No Bounds One of the lines in EoH u can give her is “Go get me an Italian Vogue magazine too while you’re at it” and I’m like. Queen

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:46 PM

JDHDHDF BDE Narancia whipped Narancia stands no chance

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:46 PM

OH FOR REAL one of HIS victory lines is something about getting all the stuff for her lmao And this is like even if she isn’t in the battle, Always Thinking Of His Queen

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:50 PM

Trish decides to test the limits of this and his ability to recognize them by asking for impossible or nonexistent items/feats and when he continues to try for her without question she realizes she has too much power and must restrain it fjdjjdjfjf Can't turn into Dad

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:51 PM

JDBDBSJS The color palette changes while she has an inner monologue while she watches him try to make her happy

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:53 PM

"Oh my god Bucciarati was right...he's too loyal for his own good I need to stop even if it's a little fun"   Meanwhile Narancia: growing more and more frustrated with himself for perceived failure to someone he loves

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:55 PM

She stops for the most part but does it every so often bc it’s cute

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:56 PM

Lucky to have a freak like dat I feel like the only thing that can counter this self defeatism Narancia can get (bc his younger childhood...ofc he's fucked up and anxious and paranoid abt not being enough or abandoned) is Trish having to open her own repressed self up and love the shit out of himLike those reassuring lines she has in EoH and her moments in the anime/manga Bruno fucking does it as his father figure and Narancia admits it gives him strength

December 19, 2019

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:04 AM

Yes, he feels like he has to prove his worth and like he’s worth having around otherwise he’s useless, i def feel like he would not like talking about the stuff that happened in the past with everyone bc he would feel ashamed and stupid or st, he needs to be told You Are Enough and her to open up too so they can lean on each other

nozomijoestarToday at 12:12 AM

Honestly no jokes for a second I feel like this is also abt breaking toxic masculinity bc it's fucking Italy in the early 00s just out of the 90s...it was RIFE rifer than even now with that shit like in much of the world then too, the idea that a boy becoming a man and men in general need to strictly follow dumbass self harming rules

 especially abt not opening up and only having real priorities for earning money, honoring family, and procreating as much as possible whether it's marriage making a family or "having sexual conquests" in promiscuity, anything outside of this bullshit image can't be tolerated and you might as well be a woman or "a fag" if you don't assert some fictional narrative of trying extremely hard to have power in everything bc that's all that matters is the ridiculous idea of Alpha Males applied to humans 

Narancia being a 80s- 90s kid with the childhood he had did not give him much fighting chance at all in this context and time period  esp just bc he happened to be born with a dick and thus saddled with these harmful expectations society made that could've only further repressed his recognition of not beating himself up and his own emotional needs on top of EVERYONE ever betraying him Where was he supposed to go? He can't go anywhere unless he meets Bruno

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:18 AM

yes i agree..... like, males being looked down upon for opening up, being societally forced to shoulder the burdens and “man up” and just deal with it and fix everything. And then already having a toxic support system with his “friend” betraying him and his dad Sucking Major Ass, all he’s been taught is deal with it but hasn’t been given the tools to know how, and if Bruno didn’t meet him he honestly would be so stuck, what person (esp in that time period) is going to go out of their way to help an uneducated young male?

nozomijoestarToday at 12:20 AM

Even if it tragically ends with his death in canon I feel like the time he spent with Bruno's bois, Giorno, and Trish was huge in making some of that crack little by littleBc he has moments where you see how sweet he actually is, his "real" personality if you will underneath all the unresolved anger when he's with ppl he sees love him and give him hope When Giorno said No One Is Going To Hurt You Anymore that just made me cry harder

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:23 AM

Yes! Like, ofc he gets angry, has unrepressed rage and reactions to things, he hasn’t had any type of emotional support in SO long and it’s not like it’s 100% fantastic in that regard with buccigang (which don’t get me wrong they are family but they are still in an aggressive gang and go off and give each other lots of shit)-YEAH AND THE FUCKIGN PLANT GROWING TOO IM

nozomijoestarToday at 12:25 AM

Trish is legit I think the one person aside from Giorno who would treat him without even the gang's aggressiveness Narancia is my fav in VA even if Bruno is the best written VA character bc he's me, this kind of shit in my life is why I developed PTSD undiagnosed since my childhood that only kept getting worse until only this year have I gotten any true help I know exactly how he feels 

Esp when you think your whole life exists to serve others never yourself NaraGio shippers I see y'all argument even if I don't follow it tbh, Gio was again the only one besides Trish to consistently care for Nara in day to day and when he was in danger and esp during the Clash and Talking Heads fight Gio was the one dude present like No Narancia It's Ok Please Tell Me What's Wrong You're Clearly Stressed

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:31 AM

yeah although i haven’t experienced it i can still empathize and try to understand, i think there’s so many layers of protection and walls that most people never truly look past it to see the root cause or true self YES that fight was so frustrating bc they were all like Narancia stop being an idiot when something was clearly wrong and he was obviously in distress!!

nozomijoestarToday at 12:32 AM

Also Gio was the only one who first asserted that No, Narancia did the right thing in fighting Formaggio

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:33 AM

Yes and with that whole interaction the gang often uses Narancia as the scapegoat essentially and just give him shit for every little thing without trying to understand his POV

nozomijoestarToday at 12:33 AM

The Clash fight tbh I feel was an ass pull set up to give Narancia his big bad ass loyalty proving moment even if it's a great fight that beginning part is...only the Trish and Gio interactions rly make sense fjdjdjI wish him and Giorno hung out more or I guess more like talked more bc you can't rly hang out when you're getting assassinated every day hfgdg

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:36 AM

Yeah hdkdb, even with Fugo, even tho he found him and brought him to Bruno, he still calls him a dumbass, stabs him with a fork and shit, and then with Mista even tho I feel like they are Like Bros, he destroys Narancia’s radio for no fucking reason and also has a pattern of taking shit Narancia paid for without paying him backI def agree with that, I feel like Giorno interactions were lacking in that there really weren’t many one on one meaningful things so it’s hard for me to grasp his personal headspace and relationships a lot of the time

nozomijoestarToday at 12:37 AM

However to be a little more fair to the Bucci gang the manga version has Narancia trying a lot lot more to get their attention in logical ways that unfortunately Talking Heads completely ruins, he tried writing to let them know what was happening and TH warped the text into him saying vulgar things bragging abt his dick being a powerful Stand

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:38 AM

Yeah I was gonna add I wasn’t sure if the manga had other stuff, tbf

nozomijoestarToday at 12:38 AM

I think this is also Shounen Tropes of the 90s at play too the "child" character was often written as the comic relief dumbass Narancia suffers it so it does add a layer of Not Good to his relationships The trope still exists tbh Anime cut out him writing I assume bc it's too sexual It's already pushing it having him whip it out and piss in front of everyone jfhdhd

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:41 AM

Yeah you right, it’s like the i want it to be that deep meme, like Araki obvi doesn’t have him only as comic relief but if he delved into his character more there would’ve been so much more that could’ve been done and shown YEAH DJDBDJDJF I WAS SURPRISED THT WAS ANIMATED

------------------------[ CUT INTERMISSION ]-----------------------------

nozomijoestarToday at 12:51 AM

Ok but to get back on track with where I was trying to go even opening this all up is how it's critical to NaraTrish in a mutually beneficial way

nozomijoestarToday at 1:01 AM

Nara is no incel he's a King obvs but he is also at heart a confused scared kid uncertain of anything in the world beyond what's closest in his grasp and without someone actively believing in and validating him he can't fully achieve awareness of healthy dynamics and even the problems within the ones he already has with his gang and Bruno- Trish doesn't have to babysit him and be the stereotypical The Woman Only Supports And Gives Up Her Body bc thats never her and couldn't be her and Narancia wouldn't make her that way bc even when he kinda touches on that (giving in a bit to the idea that men are the main protectors of women) when he gets too fixated on wanting what he thinks is for her wellbeing he does snap out and acknowledge he's wrong bc 

Trish by her independent nature and tremendous Will proves those stereotypes are bullshit, not even factoring in their first meeting as already making a huge impression on his beliefs of what girls can do- Trish knowing how to challenge him by staying true to herself yet having the compassion to help someone suffering and with fewer chances from birth than she had would not only win him over but give him something even Bruno can't, self sustaining confidence, bc Trish isn't part of a chain of command, she's just a girl in love with a boy who wants him to be happy and that concept while foreign to him for so long once it kicks in he could actually learn to build himself For himself and For someone who wouldn't use him for some greater schemes or dirty work, 

I love Bruno ok he's one of the best characters in anything ever but his flaw in his ability to help motivate ppl is tied to that fact that he's bringing them into a dangerous strict order of command to Serve not entirely in a place/way that lets them just be themselves and realize organic loving relationships with anyone and themselves SO

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:05 AM

they’re healing...... being shown love without a position of authority or any obligations is so powerful for his growth

nozomijoestarToday at 1:25 AM

That all being said, Everything Trish does he's paying attention to, she keeps him alive during the Grateful Dead fight not because she needs him to serve for a cause ( a cause might I add even Bruno the near saint he is was ready to let Nara go right then and there for bc death is in the job description) but because she doesn't know him well yet and shit he even swung a knife at her when they first met over who was in the bathroom, but he's a person suffering and in pain and to let him die even if it's Expected Of The Mission is garbage to her even if she respects Bruno down the line as a father compared to fucking evil Diavolo,

 Trish constantly goes out her way to do these things for Nara bc Trish instinctively knows he's the most vulnerable mentally and her sense of compassion and justice (likely something Donatella made sure to instill in her before her death by cherishing Trish and spoiling her even as a single mother) will not stand to not help someone when she could've- and he reciprocates it even if in disbelief bc he can tell This Person Is Safety, This Person Is Like Me Yet Not, A Better Me I Want To Be, by the time he's about to die someone with his fragile mind was actually gaining conviction about taking control for himself on his own terms and he would risk even those chances to defend the person who actually helped him arrive there (along with Gio) in the first place, 

I think by the end of his life he rly did love her or start to, it being romantic or not is up to individual interpretation to which you know I'm in the romance camp, point is he found someone who truly taught him strength without him fully realizing it and did so without belittling him, if anything instead treating him only with love and kindness and patience (not being a door mat for him, but like, not treating him like ass like everyone else has their moments of either), I think anything Trish asks of him, this is all why he's so willing to do it on top of feeling deep  empathy, I've written in my character notes as well that like this goes even further to sex being one of the most intimate things there is, like I kno we jest and jape abt Teens Doing Dumb Shit bc we're clowns 

but the sheer vulnerability you have to have esp in a first love situation to be willing to go through with that for the first time ever takes a lot of trust and courage, aspects I think Trish was able to give him and would solidify in asking something seen as so important for many people from him, the headstrong Trish wants to be vulnerable for him and the slowly confidence boosted Narancia wants to accept that faith and trust and love and exchange it with his own of the same for her, it's not horny teens 100% it's two hurt but hopeful kids on the verge of having to be adults wanting to find another piece of identity in how they are with someone else, obvs it will forever be offscreen bc pedos deserve to be skinned alive 

I just feel that the components that would fuel them to do something teens try to do to feel more adult and bc hormones are a lot more based in growing maturity than pure lust, I think this is what I fully mean by Writing About Teens Exploring Love And Sexuality; Not Fetishizing And Reveling In Showing The Act Itself Especially For Disgusting Titillation, I think this and not explicitly writing the sex are the difference between child porn and creating realistic characters

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:36 AM

Yeah, it is going to sound like a dumb take but the topic of sex and sexuality itself is not inherently sexual, by which I meant it isn’t the focus — there’s SO much more to it and in this case especially it can be like the ultimate sign of love, trust, intimacy, compassion, trying to make your way as a teen through a harsh world, like I can go on. Nasties Dont Interact but the shying away from the mere mention of it in a non-sexualized context is unrealistic. 

 Yes The Grateful Dead fight i 1000% agree is so important in both his personal growth and the development of their relationship, I think it’s an important parallel that he is dumbfounded about her going to such lengths to keep him alive without the sense of duty/obligation versus Trish’s feelings and outbursts of confusion on why Bucciarati and his gang even cared about her, protecting her to the point of death being on the line.(edited)

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:44 AM

all these elements of complication and similarities between their characters is why ive gotten so passionate about both them and their relationship (whether romantic or platonic it’s really fucking strong and good), the story of two kids making it through adversity, learning to unshoulder their burdens and lean on others, the Found Family™️, and learning and growing together is just so much more fucking deep and complex than the mainstream bs that exists. 

now im not any type of elitist hipster but esp in male and female relationships portrayed in what feels like basically fucking everything are just like CompHet Bullshit and they’re together bc They Are Just Supposed To Be (not to mention the toxic masculinity culture within that where the women barely have character arcs and are just seen as objects anyways) But what I’m trying to say is that in this the relationship is real and it feels earned in a way that just isn’t there in so much other media out there(edited)

nozomijoestarToday at 1:48 AM

Honestly if we tweak this just a lil more this is basically Guts and Casca One of the greatest and saddest romances ever written

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:48 AM

i still have berserk bookmarked just haven’t gotten around to reading yet

nozomijoestarToday at 1:48 AM

If VA was a Seinen it's p much Berserk In Italy Also big brain...galaxy brain...everything you said was a fact signed sealed and delivered(edited)

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:51 AM

Wow we’re actually in sync and using the brain cell to its fullest extent tonight

nozomijoestarToday at 1:51 AM

When I say she's his world and he's hers this is what I mean, not comphet hdhdhfhYEAH HFHDG

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:52 AM

(also my phone autocorrected “and” to “ANF” bc of twdg..... it also sometimes changes it to “AMD” bc I work in technology. My Phone Knows My Interests Are More Important To Me Than One Of The Main Parts Of Speech. Iconic)YESSSS they’re just SO GOOD there’s so much to articulate!

nozomijoestarToday at 1:55 AM

She was his Queen, and god help anyone who disrespected his Queen

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:55 AM

JDBDHE SHIT THE FUCK IP DKDBEBDJFBBD

nozomijoestarToday at 1:56 AM

Buy my silence $8000 a month

[frywen-babbles]

Sounds of Silence pt1

A/N: Modern AU with Mitsunari! This is loosely tied to Everything comes with a price, set over a year after it. Unlike before, there won’t be a set release schedule bc this fic isn’t completely finished yet. (I just need some validation and motivation oTL). A big thank you to @dear-mrs-otome for telling me this idea doesn’t completely suck <3

Also spoilers for Mitsunari’s route!

When he opened the door all he could do was stare.

Behind it stood a young woman. And not just any young woman but the one he had seen at the library countless times reading books to kids in sign language. The woman he secretly always hoped he’d see when he went to the library, whose smile he couldn’t stop thinking about.

***

At first, Mitsunari was annoyed by the voices coming somewhere out of sight. Libraries were supposed to be where you could study in peace, he had no idea what could cause such a ruckus.

The sound of laughter guided him to the children’s section of the library, but what he saw wasn’t what he expected.

A young woman was standing in front of a group of kids, a book open in front of her, animatedly reading the book in sign language. The kids were excited, laughing and giggling at the what he assumed were the exciting parts of the story.

Mitsunari felt enamoured, his annoyance long forgotten. He didn’t even realise he had stared until the story was over and all the kids were circling her, trying to talk to her all at once. Her smile brightened her face and she looked so natural and happy amongst the kids Mitsunari felt almost jealous.

Just then, she caught him staring. He felt his face heat up and he turned around sharply, stomping back to the table he had reserved for himself. He planted his face firmly on the book open in front of him.

Gods, that was embarrassing. Who goes around staring random women, when they were supposed to study. Ughh…

*****

He saw her walk towards the children's section from the corner of his eye and somehow his head turned to look after her. She stopped to wait for a boy in his teens to bounce all excited to her a book in his hands. They shared a greeting but Mitsunari couldn't follow the signs they spoke with. It didn't stop him from staring after them when they continued on their way towards the room where he had seen her read to the kids.  

"Hey, are you even listening to me?"

Mitsunari turned to look at Sakon who looked at him a wide smile on his face.

"Or are you too busy staring after women to tutor me?"

"If you have time to lazy around and comment on everything I do, you must be ready for a quiz about all the important battles post-Honno-ji?"

"Ack! No! Don't you have any mercy, we just went through them 30 minutes ago?"

"Then what are you doing fooling around, you incorrigible dimwit. Get back to studying."

"I'm sure no one would have made me work this hard in the Sengoku period..." Sakon mumbled with a sigh.

"What was that?"

"I'm studying!"

When he was finally free of Sakon, he made his way to the children's section. But it was quiet, the children long gone. He was just about to turn around when he noticed a schedule on the wall. She would be back in an hour.

He could wait for that long.

Wait, maybe he shouldn't? Would that be weird? But he really did want to see her read again.  

He didn't see her until he got up to get some coffee from a vending machine. She was sitting on the sofas next to it with the same boy as before, lost in an animated discussion he could only guess the topic off.

A part of him wanted to loiter so he could watch them talk, but the reasonable part of his brain forced him to return to his table.

As soon as he saw her followed by the silver-haired boy he stuffed his things to his bag and stood up to follow her. A group of excited kids were already waiting for her but he stayed behind until everyone had sat down. Then he stepped behind the parents by the door, his eyes following the movements of her hands taking in every sign.

Unlike before, this time when she was finished she kept glancing at the clock and hurried away as soon as possible, almost colliding with him. The silver-haired boy tried to stop her but after some hurried signs let her go. The look on the boys face looked a bit like a lost puppy and for some reason seeing her hurry away like that made Mitsunari feel a bit same.

He was brushing his teeth in the evening when he felt the buzz of his phone in his pocket.

[23:12:45] <<bookshy>> do u evr feel like ur stuck in ur life? [23:12:52] <<bookshy>> like u shld hve accomplishd so much mor in ur life tn u hve?

He stared at the screen for a while before he typed a reply. He didn't know who bookshy was, not really. They had been talking with each other for years, but always with nicknames, always through messages in the internet. It felt more comfortable that way somehow. Knowing there was always a person willing to listen to you without judging.

[23:13:05] <<ManjuDreamer>> Are you feeling like that right now? [23:13:07] <<bookshy>> ya [23:13:11] <<bookshy>> i dunno wht ill do w/ my life [23:13:19] <<bookshy>> i thght id do so mch more u know? [23:13:22] <<bookshy>> and now i jst feel liek im stuck nd see no way out [23:13:23] <<bookshy>> is ths my life now? [23:14:50] <<bookshy>> evry1 says i shld b happy w/ wht i hve [23:14:59] <<bookshy>> i hve so much im feeling ungrateful whn i feel like ths [24:15:46] <<ManjuDreamer>> You still have plenty of time to accomplish your dreams. It's not for others to decide when you can be happy. [23:16:02] <<bookshy>> guess ur rite

He heard a knock on the bathroom door and quickly finished brushing his teeth. When he opened the door Hideyoshi was standing behind it already in his pyjamas.

"I thought you'd never come out," he commented with a yawn and pushed past him to the bathroom.

"Good night," Mitsunari wished to the closed door before he retreated back to his room.

[23:18:30] <<bookshy>> how was ur day [23:18:49] <<bookshy>> i saw the prettiest person today like hot damn [23:19:13] <<ManjuDreamer>> I saw an interesting person today too, I wish I get to see them again. Other than that, it was mostly my student being an idiot, so nothing new. [23:19:53] <<ManjuDreamer>> I tried to do some research on a paper I'm writing, but it didn't progress much. I was just about to go to bed so I have energy to study more tomorrow. [23:19:56] <<bookshy>> srry to keep u up [23:19:57] <<bookshy>> night! [23:20:10] <<ManjuDreamer>> Night.

***

Mitsunari tossed the wig from his head frustrated, running his hand over his face. He glanced at the mirror of the bathroom, at the perfectly drawn eyeliner, the perfect shade of blush, the perfectly applied foundation. The perfect set of lies, painted on his face.

[13:33:14] <<ManjuDreamer>> I went to see my mother.

He hesitated a bit before he sent the message. It didn't take long for his phone to bling with a reply.

[13:34:29] <<bookshy>> how did it go? [13:34:48] <<ManjuDreamer>> As well as you would expect. [13:34:51] <<bookshy>> u wanna t alk about it?

His fingers ghosted over the screen of his phone before he put it down and looked at the mirror again. He reached for the makeup removal wipes from his bag and scrubbed furiously at his skin until the last remains of the makeup were gone.

[13:36:18] <<ManjuDreamer>> She's there but I feel like I'm losing her. [13:37:01] <<ManjuDreamer>> Every time I visit she seems further and further away. [13:37:15]<<ManjuDreamer>> Sometimes I wonder if the mother I used to know is there at all.

He started to type his next message, but stopped, gripping his phone tight in his hand.

[13:38:34] <<ManjuDreamer>> She's my mother, but it's so hard. [13:38:42] <<ManjuDreamer>> I don't know what to do.

He glanced at the mirror to make sure his eyes weren't red before he pulled his shirt over his head and replaced it with one from his bag.

[13:38:47] <<bookshy>> ur doing plenty already [13:38:49] <<bookshy>> u dont have to push urself so hard [13:38:50] <<bookshy>> im sure shed understand [13:38:59] <<ManjuDreamer>> But I'm all she has. [13:39:02] <<bookshy>> i know [13:39:06] <<bookshy>> but u hhave 2 thnk abt urself frst [13:39:15] <<bookshy>> if u feel its too much u can keep a brek. ur not prfect. u dnt have 2 b [13:39:50] <<bookshy>> im alws hr 2 tlk if u need me [13:40:20] <<ManjuDreamer>> Thank you. It means a lot.

He put his phone on the side of the sink and wiggled out of his skirt. He really should buy a new one next time he got paid for tutoring. The zipper didn't work properly anymore and the hem was starting to fray. He kicked the flats from his feet and looked at the kneehigh socks on his feet. They wouldn't be visible under his pants anyway so he let them be and took his pants and shoes from his bag before showing the skirt and shirt in their place. He considered showing the wig in after them but realised making the wig presentable after that would be too much of a hassle. So he gently combed the wig with his fingers to sort out biggest tangles and folded it neatly in a mesh bag. Flats into a plastic bag, then into the bag.

Like countless times before.

He got dressed and made one final glance at the mirror before he put the bag on his shoulder and stepped out of the bathroom.

"Oh, Mitsunari! Here to see your mother?" a nurse greeted him when he tried to slip past the nurses' office without being noticed. What a nosy bunch of quidnuncs insistent of mothering him.

“Yes. I was just leaving.” He replied with a stiff bow.

“Come and have some tea with us! How did the test go you told me last time?” Another nurse poked her head from the office. Mitsunari resisted the urge to roll his eyes and offered another bow.

“I believe it went well. I still haven’t received the results.”

Half an hour later he was still stuck at the nurses' office surrounded by what felt like a flock of mother hens, all determined to squeeze every bit of information out of him they could. He was just getting up from his chair when a voice behind him froze him on the spot.

"Did my darling Saki leave already? She was just here... Such a dutiful daughter, coming to see her mother so often..."

His knuckles turned white as he squeezed the edge of the table, his head down. He wanted to turn around. He wanted to see his mother as himself. He wanted... needed to see if she'd recognise him this time.

"We saw her leave a while ago, Mrs Ishida. She's such a nice girl."

He heard a nurse walk his mother away and the sighs of relief from the remaining nurses.

"Are you alright, Mitsunari? You know we'll listen to you if you need to talk. Or we can help you find someone-"

"I need to go now. Goodbye," Mitsunari interrupted the nurse who had put her hand on his shoulder to calm him. He got up in such haste his chair fell to the floor with a rattle, but he just offered a quick bow before he fled the office.

He didn't stop until he arrived at the bus stop. There he sank on the bench, burying his face on his hands.

He took the bus to the library, staring idly out of the window.

[14:36:09] <<bookshy>> did u make it home [14:36:35] <<ManjuDreamer>> No. I'm heading to the library. The nurses got me again. [14:36:37] <<bookshy>> lol how did u mnage 2 escpe [18:36:56] <<ManjuDreamer>> Mother came to the office. [14:37:09] <<bookshy>> oh no [14:37:10] <<bookshy>> im so sorry [14:37:21] <<bookshy>> how r u feeling rn? [14:38:29] <<ManjuDreamer>> I don't know. I'll try to find some reading to distract myself with.

At the library, he searched for materials for his upcoming paper but when he sat down and tried to read, the words didn't make any sense.

When he had read the same page several times over and still remembered absolutely nothing he was interrupted from his reading by a book shoved on top of the one he was just reading.

"Can't you see I'm-!" the sharp words died on his lips when he saw the same woman who had read to the kids in front of him. She tapped on the note on top of the book and he looked down to read it.

'This is the book I was reading. You seemed interested'

She handed him a second book, a note on top of it too.

'I'll read this next'

When she shifted her weight from one foot to another clearly uncomfortable, he realised he was staring. He offered her a curt nod as a thank you and she bowed at him a small relieved smile on her lips. She seemed to hesitate before she signed something but he had to shake his head.

There was a slight shift on her smile, on her posture, and she took a step back.

'I'm sorry' she mouthed and offered him a bow before she all but fled, leaving him to sit alone, feeling like an idiot.

[16:19:20] <<ManjuDreamer>> I think I just made a complete fool out of myself. [16:29:59] <<bookshy>> lol rly? [16:30:00] <<bookshy>> wht did u do? [16:30:02] <<bookshy>> i thght fool wasnt in ur dicktionary [16:31:18] <<ManjuDreamer>> And for that terrible joke, I tell you nothing. [16:31:47] <<bookshy>> noooo hw wll i evr know how embarassng u can be if u don tell me? [16:32:32] <<ManjuDreamer>> You'll survive.

***

"She's not here today."

Mitsunari was startled from his thoughts by a familiar voice behind him. He turned around, vaguely aware of the frown his irritation had brought on his face.

"Who?" he asked as if he didn't know exactly who was the 'she' in question.

"I got this for you, I'm sure it holds some useful information." Mr Otani handed him a flyer for the children's activities in the local libraries. Mitsunari stared at the flyer blankly before he looked at Mr Otani, letting his irritation show.

"And what am I supposed to do with this?"

Mr Otani just smiled and pushed a book towards him as well.

"I'm sure you'll find this useful as well. Come find me if you need anything else."

Before he had time to protest Mr Otani left him with a wave, a wide smile on his face. He considered running or yelling after him, but changed his mind when he looked at the book in his hand.

'Sign language for beginners'

He tucked the children's program leaflet securely at the back of his calendar and checked the book out.

Something about the sign language intrigued him. She looked so graceful when signing. And so comfortable and she seemed genuinely love reading to the children.

At first, he thought he’d look up a few signs. Just in case some of the children needed help in the library. Just so he could talk to her. No, he meant the kids. So he could talk to the kids. But few turned into a few hundred. A few thousand. He was so lost.

***

[yuudefensesquad]

me ranting about yuu once again

no one is saying yuu isn’t allowed to feel happy. (as yuudefensesquad all i want is for him to be happy aight) we are saying we wish yuu was allowed to be upset, hurt, and angry. things that he purposefully avoids feeling.

like really? he’s just chill w ferid hanging around after going on a mind blanking sword slashing spree with him after their first reunion? this dude flaunting around akane’s head and nearly turning into a full demon after experiencing that?

he’s all happy to be talking to guren even though their previous encounter had guren betraying yuu and his squad and stabbing him? did he just get hit on the fucking head and forgot about that? and then being all sympathetic and being like “wow i bet you were really hurting guren im sorry ):” yet guren never asks if he is okay and understands his situation? yuu just had to figure it all out for himself? (i love guren but DUDE...)

plus with guren putting the guren squad’s lives on yuu’s shoulders after saying they’ll disappear if he doesn’t find a solution really makes me feel bad bc. THIS ALL. IS JUST ONE BIG CLUSTER FUCK OF STRESS AND RESPONSIBILITIES HE ALREADY FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO REVIVE THE ENTIRE WORLD AND NOW PEOPLE HE KNOWS AND IN SUCH A SHORT TIME SPAN

also he’s all smiling and eager to help after seeing human experimentation that his father / mentor figure was acting upon? you know, something that destroyed his family?

he’s under all this stress, having guren in one ear and mika in the other, telling him two different things and the realization that’s he has been in a cruel, supernatural practice since the day he was born isn’t making him freak the fuck out like any 16/17 yo would?

how he feels being a seraph? the second trumpet? having it? are the transformations painful because he surely screamed for the first two times. like do the wings leave marks? do they burn or itch? also with guren knowing all along and never speaking up about it, being smug at the battlefield when yuu forcefully turned, how does he feel abt guren saving him just to be a bioweapon? what are his thoughts more than just ‘im able to protect my family with this thing!’ BC GOD DAMMIT YUU YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A SHIELD PLEASE STOP

his feelings aren’t being explored. yeah, he’s smiling. yeah, he’s happy to have mika like y’all keep saying. but mika coming back to him doesn’t solve all of his shit. mika isn’t his cure or salvation or fixes all of his issues like ive seen people assume he does. we aren’t getting deep in there. yuu’s earliest trauma was briefly explored and then forgotten about and replaced with another seraph transformation

“but we had like 3147891274 chapters of him being emo” yes and it was all forgotten immediately once mika came back into his life. we got no development on yuu’s feelings about it. just immediately he started seeking the cure for vampirism and asking for his family to save mika with him, not him thinking about how the species he wanted to mass murder for killing his family is actually a part of his surviving family and suddenly he views them like fellow human beings, especially FERID F UC KING B ATH ORY WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK KAGAM

and about ferid i know things are kinda tight in between scenes w the story right now and i just want yuu to be like “hey once this is all over i’m fucking murdering ferid” and mika being like “lets kill him together” THAT WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME !!!

and people say “i hate it when ppl say yuu coming back into mikas life solved all of mikas problems” bc surely enough it seems to be the complete other way around to how people interpret this and it sucks because yuu is so much more than just ‘a sad boy who is happy now bc his bff came back’ that’s not how it works. neither of them can fix all of the other’s issues. that includes BOTH. SIDES.

the most relevant thing to yuu’s survivor’s guilt (which should be optimized more in my opinion) was yuu immediately apologizing to mika for running away as their first meeting since sanguinem and his severe abandonment issues, and taking on all the blame

AND YUU CRYING WHEN SEEING THE HYAKUYA KIDS??? CAN I GET MORE OF THAT PLEASE??? THAT WAS SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD AND I AM STARVING IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I’VE ATE SOME YUU SADNESS

demons use their host’s weakest points to take advantage of them. yuu’s weakest points was being told by his family that he abandoned them, that it’s his fault, that he should’ve done something, asking why he got to meet friends and replace them when he left them all behind in the first place AND OUCH CAN MIKA LIKE SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND CAN THEY COMMUNICATE ABOUT WHAT FUCKIN HAPPENED FOR REAL!!! LIKE A HEART TO HEART!!! BECAUSE CLEARLY THERE’S SOME UNSPOKEN SHIT IF MIKA IS STILL BLAMING HIMSELF AND YUU IS STILL UNABLE TO VOCALIZE HIS FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS im so u p s et

god dammit i want someone to come up to yuu and be like “hey buddy... you know it’s okay to not be okay right... i know things are tough right now and i have no fucking idea how you’re all smiley and giggly right now and i’m wondering if you’re just smiling not only for us but to trick yourself into believing that everything’s fine and dandy...”

YES yuu has his happy moments YES yuu can feel happy

BUT FEELINGS. AREN’T. STATIC. THEY CHANGE.

it makes NO SENSE for yuu’s emotion to only be the ^_^ face

like yuu is literally in a tug of war right now between guren and mika and his squad isn’t helping by just existing in the bg panels and going along with guren’s plan without any complaints

like don’t yell at just yuu for not abiding by mika’s words because the shinoa squad + narumi aren’t clean either AND IT’S NOT A MATTER OF FAULT OR BLAME because not every character is black or white.

i’m so sorry for rambling but just. give me my boy. i love him for his smile but i also love him for his development and entire character. not just his expression and his relationships with people. i love him for yuuichirou hyakuya, you know, the kid who escaped sanguinem screaming and crying, who had night terrors, who blamed himself for years, who wanted to die, who has ptsd, who has trust issues, who has abandonment issues, who is possibly a codependent

like. he hasn’t accomplished his goal for eternal happiness yet. you have to go through so much to achieve that and he hasn’t. i don’t know if kagami is leading up for a severe breakdown or something but... sheesh

and all people ever do is reduce yuu to the “dumbass” character and he’s so much more than that. he’s following his heart and trying his best and it’s not going to make everyone happy. he’s going to make someone upset either way

i know the story is currently plot-heavy and not character heavy but i’m so... KAGAMI. PLEASE. if yall got input LMK i need to know what people think about this and if im the only one or not

[amoristt]

Alive | Rick x Reader

@dinodiegos asked: Can u gimme some sick fuckin rick just protect in ur sweet ass from some zoms pls and thank you love you

Hell Yeah you can owo 

im dumb and accidentally made this more into action than romance so sorry abt that FHDJFS i wrote too much to just up and toss it out. hope you like it anyways and if u want one that’s Romance Specific hmu bc i love rick 

reblogs + tags and replies will make my entire day as i put a lot of effort into this :)!

story continues beneath the read more. let me know if you can’t access it!

warning: mild language, gore

Alive

Any second now you felt like you were going to collapse against the concrete.

Your shoes, already worn down from wearing them so often, felt like they were going to fall apart and leave your heels scraping, but you didn’t stop sprinting for even a second. Garbled groans and incoherent cries of the dead sounded from everywhere, leaving your head spinning. You were surrounded.

The sun was starting to shift beneath the tree’s horizon, and it seemed what was supposed to be a short supply run quickly took a turn for absolute worst. If you weren’t so entirely focused on searching for a way out you’d be worrying about where they had all come from but right now the only thing on your mind were two things: run, find Rick.

And to think, your day with Rick originally hadn’t started out bad at all.

The first stop the two of you made wasn’t too shabby, and you found yourself with a new hoodie and a hat for when the colder temperatures would start to settle in. Rick found some baby clothes stuffed into a dresser (which neither of you thought too deeply about) and you fawned over how small the item was, telling him Judith would look adorable in the pink and red top. There was a medicine cabinet with a few leftover vitamin and motrin bottles, along with bandaids and what looked to be some sort of disinfectant. It wasn’t a whole lot, but it better than nothing. Plus you and him had rounded up some more things from your previous run two days ago, so for the moment Alexandria was good.

On the way home you felt pretty good about the day. Rick was playing Cd’s that he’d scrounged up from one place or another, and you had a hand out the window, enjoying the push of the wind against your palms. In between the front and passenger seat where yours and Rick’s hands, locked together casually. With all the years having gone by you’d learn to enjoy the good days when they came, even if the world around you was in shambles. Odd how an apocalypse can make a slightly warm temperature and no murder a ‘good day’.

Things became a little bumpier as the day progressed, however. You’d passed by a few walkers here and there, their haggled and rotting corpses trying to stumble towards the moving vehicle with no avail. Neither of you thought much of it- It was the end of the world. Not seeing any walkers for the duration of your run would have been odd. Eventually though those occasional solo walkers became more and more, their numbers growing with every mile it seemed. They hung out mostly along the sides of the road, bumping into one another by trees and ditches.

After another mile or two the numbers thinned out again, and your nerves started to die down like before. Four or five became two or three, and finally there was nothing once more.

“What do you think happened?” you’d asked, eyebrows knit in mild concern. The car was quite a distance away from Alexandria, so the walkers didn’t pose an (immediate) threat to everyone yet. However you were still worried- something must have brought them all here.

Rick sucked in a breath and shrugged, tilting his head. “Can’t say. They’re spread out, though. If somethin’ brought em’ here it was a while ago.”

“Yeah,” You leaned back and stared blankly out the windshield, trying to shake off the odd dread that was building in your gut. “Guess you’re right.”

Rick’s eyes left the road for a moment at the sound of your voice, and he took in your expression before turning back to the wheel. His hand squeezed yours lightly.

“Don’t worry much about it,” He started reassuringly, “They’re far out here.”

“I know, I just-...” You shook your head. “We don’t have the best luck when it comes to walkers, Rick.”

He nodded once. “I know that, but right now we gotta focus on this. When we get back I’ll have someone keep an eye out just incase, sound good?”

“That sounds… Good.” A small smile found it’s way to your lips, the corners tugging up as you looked back out the window.

After that the car ride was spent in another comfortable silence, and you replayed what Rick had told you over and over in your head. Despite how you tried to tell yourself it would be fine, something felt wrong. Something felt dangerous, and it left you sitting there in a state of apprehension that you kept entirely to yourself. Even if you talked to Rick about it you knew what he’d say- that there was nothing to be worried about and that even if the walkers found their way to Alexandria, there was more than enough gunpower and people to wipe them out before they even got close the gate. Still, even thought you knew he was entirely right, anxiety settled heavily in your gut.

Miles even farther away, a few businesses sat in a circle of road. It looked to be some sort of strip mall, all the signs mostly broken down and laying in piles of rubble on the cracked parking lot. There were multiple empty cars sitting idle in their spots, all of them covered in years worth of grime and rust. The car you and Rick pulled up in looked like a million dollars compared to the rest, even if it had it’s own fair share of weathering down.

“One last stop?” Rick asked you, and you bit your lip. One last stop couldn’t hurt.

You agreed, and to avoid getting trapped in the lot, Rick made the choice to pull off the main road and part in the grass a bit away. You should have listened to your dread-filled gut when he turned the car off and hopped out, you following his lead and shoving your hands into your pockets. The small strip mall didn’t look like too bad of a place to search. Clothing stores, mini groceries, pretty much a huge variety of very useful things that Alexandria could use.

It was too good of a chance to pass up, so when Rick gave you that look of his, you nodded and allowed him to lead the way with his gun drawn. At first things were quiet. Only the sound of your steps on concrete could be heard, and soon you and him split off and allowed a few cars in between. You had your own gun held tight in your hands, your mouth dry as tension on increased in your muscles. Any moment now… Things were going to go wrong.

When things didn’t, in fact, go wrong, you scolded yourself for being such a baby. Sure, you were in a life threatening situation, but there was no real reason in that very moment for you to be acting like a cautious cat. As Rick gestured that he was going to branch further away, you allowed him to and rolled your shoulders in an attempt to calm yourself down. The last thing you needed was to be spooked by a sound and accidentally fire your gun at nothing. Then you’d really be in some shit.

Thankfully something about shifting your muscles did seem to loosen you up just enough to glide past a few more cars, eyes peeled and finger flush against the trigger while you made your way closer to shop at the very end of the strip mall: a grocery outlet. Both of the glass doors were wide open and shattered, the windows spray painted with what looked like horribly drawn atomic bomb mushroom clouds. You laughed silently to yourself and shook your head before coming closer. You poked your head into the building, peering into the darkness, and a pin-dropping silence took over.

All at once everything fell apart.

A piercing siren cut through the air, destroying the jarring silence with its merciless screaming. You realized, with crushing horror, that it was your car alarm.

It wailed and wailed and wailed, the sound making you launch away from the doors and back out into the parking lot. Panicking, your fear only doubled over when you didn’t see Rick over the tops of the cars. You weren’t close enough to the road to see the car but you knew damn well that was it was- a walker must have heard you pull into the grass before turning it off and the stupid thing thought there was people inside. It had set the alarm off, and now you were alone and barely armed surrounded by a labyrinth of vehicles.

You knew all too well what was to come next, and low and behold, you were right as always.

The first walker that made way through the line up of broken down cars was a tall one missing it’s left arm. Initially it was following the noise, but when you halted to a sharp stop and gasped it took note of you in the corner of it’s eye and reached out with it’s one last hand. You grimaced and took a few steps back, aiming to turn around and dart towards where you assumed Rick was, but when you turned around your heart fell to your stomach. Walkers, nearly a dozen of them, were spilling around the end of the strip mall and making their way into the parking lot. If you hadn’t already been spotted by one you’d just shove yourself down under a truck or something, but it was hot on your heels and coming closer despite how easily it’s attention could be grabbed by the siren blaring.

Darting left and trying to hide yourself from all the walkers pooling, you cursed under your breath. Your gun didn’t have nearly enough ammo to take on this many, and shooting them could make things arguably worse. If you started shooting then Rick would start shooting and who knows how many more that could attract. Instead of opening fire you just continued trying to make your way to his side of the mall, but you were stopped dead in your tracks at the horrific sight ahead. Even more walkers. They were hobbling towards the car as well, slamming into dead cars on the way.

Along with the car alarm still howling, you could hear the disgusting moans of the dead starting to surround you. With them both behind you and in front of you, you were trapped, and you tried to wrack your mind for something to do. You didn’t have enough time to hit the dirt and slide under a car- not that it would work in the first place because you were being hunted by the walker with one arm. You couldn’t just up and scream for Rick either because then it would attract them all. The only option you could see was maybe trying to get into a shop, but if the door was locked you were entirely fucked. They’d see you make the run for it, and if you couldn’t get in right away they’d barrage you in seconds.

Heart thudding in your chest, you barely registered when a walker passed by the car you were hiding behind. It hadn’t seen you, too focused on the sound, but your jump-scared induced reaction surely caught the attention of a few more that cut across their path to find their way to you.

Not knowing what else to do, you ran.

From one car to the next you jumped over hoods, bounced off doors and hauled yourself in between them trying to get away from the ever-growing walkers compiling behind you. Everything was happening at once- it felt like you were going to pass out right then and there. Rick was still nowhere to be seen and immediately your brain started filling in imaginary blanks.

They’d gotten to him. He couldn’t make it out fast enough. He’s dead.

Moans of the dead grew closer once again and you pushed yourself even harder. Walkers still chased you like a game past the obstacles of cars, and even though it would mean heading straight for the walkers in front of you, you still tried to get close to the area where Rick had been. He was closer to the car than you were given you were on the other end of the parking lot, maybe he was trying to get inside of it to turn the ever blaring alarm off. Maybe he was hiding inside a shop like you’d considered.

Finding that dodging cars and moving around them was taking too much of your time, you opted to choosing an aisle and taking a straight sprint down the line. Cars passed by you in a blur, and you quickly found yourself at the other end of the parking lot. However, it wasn’t the right end you wanted to be on. You were still far from where Rick had parked, and you were still being chased.

You made the impulse choice to give into your natural instinct to hide, choosing a van to duck behind before moving to the truck next to it. Without a seconds hesitation you dropped to your knees then your belly, using the massive tire next to your body to help haul yourself underneath the truck. You hoped, prayed that they lost sight of you when you hid behind the van. Your heart slammed against your ribcage when you caught sight of their shuffling feet coming closer, their ripped up jeans and shoes visible as they stumbled around in search of you. Looking behind, the sight of feet surrounded you almost entirely.

Dulled out shoes of all color stepped around the truck, their actions much slower and less driven than before. You physically covered your mouth just incase you were giving off any sort of sound, and all you could think about was how easy it would be for one to drop down and grab you. In the case that one happened to see you, it would be over. You would be trapped. You would die.

The walkers continued to hang around, stepping menacingly by the perimeter of the truck. You could have cried when a few branched off and disappeared, their attention having been grabbed once again by the alarm still running. One by one pairs of feet shuffled away from you, some quicker than others, and eventually you found yourself alone in your hiding spot. All at once you released the heaving breath you had been holding, your hand coming to run through your hair. Every part of your skin was clammy, your entire body trembling with coursing adrenaline.

Unable to stand even another moment underneath the truck, you scooted your way to the side and picked yourself up on the ground. For just a moment it seemed like you’d avoided the storm of walkers, their disfigured bodies moving to swarm the vehicle quite a ways away. You allowed yourself to breath, leaning forward and holding your hands on your knees while your chest rose and fell rapidly. When you looked up, eyes frantically scanning over the tops of all the cars, you still couldn’t see Rick over the horde.

You tried to see past all the moving bodies, but something stopped you. A sharp movement right in the corner of your eye. With barely any time to react, you weren’t able to tear yourself away when a hand gripped tight to your forearm. You jumped and bit back a startled cry, and then you came face to face with that same damn walker from before. Up close it was even uglier than you could have imagined, it’s face rotted and it’s jaw hanging open awkwardly. It’s eyes were so sunken and horrid.

Instinctively your free hand came up to rip at the walkers fingers, trying to free yourself. When it didn’t let up you opted to just backing up and putting your weight into jerking away, but nothing was working. Suddenly you were more than thankful that the walker only had one arm- if he had both of them he could likely take an even better grip and keep you pinned in your spot. Your mind raced for something to do, some way to pry the walker away from you without setting off the gun in your hand. To try and stop him from taking a bite at your face, you used your other arm and pressed it to the walkers chest to keep those teeth away from your skin. It didn’t help that he was taller than you, somewhat towering over your figure with his broken jaw attempting to bite around nothing. The thought to hide returned and in one fell push, you lunged forward off your toes and managed to send the walker toppling backwards onto the ground. It thudded and squirmed, it’s one arm working to find purchase.

With the way your mind was desperately thinking about what to do, it was no surprise that your limbs couldn’t keep up with every thought that raced by. As the walker writhed on the ground you made a move to escape its view by running around to the other side of the truck, but in your absolute panic you overshot your turn and slammed harshly into the metal front. Unfortunately, the combination of your already shaking muscles mixed with just how hard you’d slammed into the truck made for a deadly turn. You fell harshly onto the pavement, hands not quote catching you in time to stop your chin from hitting the ground. Pain shot through your leg, what if you’d broken it? The walker behind you had rolled onto its stomach by now. You scrambled in your spot, bringing yourself up halfway before you were yanked back down. Fingers wrapped iron-tight around your ankle, broken nails digging tightly into the flesh barely exposed with your pants rising up your leg.

The threat of being scratched and infected became very apparent, and you made the stupid, fear fueled response to try and kick the walker's head. It barely affected the walker, not feeling the pain from the blunt hits, so it just continued trying to either pull you down or pull itself up to you instead. Your gun had clattered out of reach, resting underneath the truck where you’d once been hiding.

Fear rose like bile up to your chest. You continued kicking at it, praying that some part of it’s skull would give and allow you break free, but it never happened. Frantic, you tried to roll out of it’s grasp, but when you stopped on your back you gasped out at the sight of another walker B-lining it straight towards you. It was a few cars away but moving fast, and with your current position at being unable to stand, if that walker arrived… That would be it. You would die.

A million words screamed at you but this time they weren’t of escaping. They were of the potential aftermath- Rick finding your corpse. What little family you had left mourning for you.

One thought stuck out more than the rest. If this was how you were to die, it was going to fucking hurt. You were going to suffer immensely, and finally adrenaline rushed through you all over again. Like a rabid animal you fought, twisting, turning, sitting up to tear at the walkers fingers. In your fight the grip loosened and in that very second you ripped away your leg and sent a kick straight into the walkers face. It’s skull ruptured against your powerful kick and nothing in your entire life had felt more satisfying than the bone crushing. The walker went limp, it’s face hitting the concrete with a thud.

Free from your grip you rapidly rolled over onto your hands and knees, but you didn’t get too far. As if it were one thing after another, a shadow covered over your still immobile body. That walker was right up on you, standing merely a foot away with it’s eyes fixated it’s prey. Something about the sight of it so close while you felt so tiny stopped you. You froze. Every part of you screamed to move but you couldn’t, paralyzed in your spot even as it started to drop down to make its attack. There was nothing in it’s eyes. It’s teeth clipped together. It’s rotting fingers reached-

A shot rang out.

The walker fell like a pile of bricks right in front of you. Everything sounded like it was underwater, and you felt like you were moving in slow motion as you tried to bring yourself to your feet. When you almost fell back onto your knees thanks to your uncoordinated limbs, you were forced back into your right mind when yet another hand came to grab tight on your shoulder, the fingers sliding down to your forearm where they clasped and literally pulled you up onto your feet.

Fight kicked in once again and you turned on your heel, not taking a second look before you put your hands flat against the figure's chest before you shoved hard. It did not fall flat on it’s ass like you thought it would, but it did lose it’s grip. However, you stopped in your tracks at the sight of what it was.

Rick.

Blood spattered his shoulders and the front of his shirt, his eyes just as frantic and intense as yours probably were. At your outburst against him, he steadied himself and rose his hands to his chest, his gun held tight in his grip.

“Where were you?!” Without thinking your arms outreached, grabbing him tight by the cloth of his shirt, and you pulled him as close as you could. You thought for a time there that you’d lost him, all those horrible ‘what if’s playing tricks on your mind and sanity. But, he was right there, and he had saved your life like he always did.

“I was trying to get to you,” His arms came to wrap about you protectively, allowing you your moment of recollection, before he pushed you away and brought you down to crouch along the side of the truck. “Listen to me, listen to me. They’re gonna be coming here any minute now- we gotta find a way to get back around to the car.”

You tugged at your hair, eyes scanning over the ground as you debated what to do. “Why are there so many of them?”

“I don’t know. Somethin’ brought em here.”

“I knew something was going to go wrong-”

“Hey, hey,” He held your face in his hands to stop you from your spiralling. “I know, you were right. But right now we gotta get out of this.”

You swallowed thickly and nodded, sucking in a deep breath before taking a peek through the windows. Sure enough, the walkers were coming, but they hadn’t yet seen you. They aimlessly followed the area, growing closer but without much direction.

“Okay-” You tried to compose yourself by wiping over your face quickly. “Okay, they havn’t seen us yet.”

“But they know we're here,” Rick too took a glance through the musty glass windows. “Van,” He made a motion for you join him and you did, trying to follow his line of sight. “Right there. If we can cut across without being seen we can hide behind there. The walkers think we’re over here, where the sound was. They won’t know we left.”

You nodded and tried to not let the oncoming walkers psych you into acting too brashly again. “How do we get over there?”

“We run.”

You sent him a sharp glance. “Obviously, but how do we make sure they don’t see us?”

Rick took a moment to think, eyes narrowing at the stared at the van, then the walkers, then the van again. After a moment he nodded towards the walkers passing by the cars. “See that little gap?” You sprained your neck to see, and there it was. About a dozen of walkers stuck close together, and in between another handful there was a small gap that left a few cars left alone for a brief time. “When they split up, we cut across from that blue car to the red one. Now, if we stay low and move fast enough, we can make it to that van. They aren’t goin’ over there- they’ll go right by to get to here.”

Nodding, you swallowed again. This was so incredibly risky- even just one seeing you and him saunter from one vehicle to the next would be catastrophic. Still, you needed to get to your own car. It’s wailing was going to attract even more if you didn’t put a stop to it now. At your nod of understanding, Rick crouched back down again and brought you with him. His hand moved to grab yours, and even in that crucial moment, you stopped to take in his expression.

He was uncertain, fear coloring those blue eyes of his. You knew exactly what he was doing- in times like this he liked to have a ‘one last look’ of sorts should something happen. With a squeeze of assurance you nodded once more at him, mouthing the words, ‘It will be okay’. Quickly, he dipped in and kissed you once, twice. You kissed him right back, eyebrows furrowed in worry. You couldn’t lose him.

When he pulled away his eyes fixated on your hands momentarily before he plunged himself right back into his mind. In a second flat he let go of your hand and passed you, holding his hand up to tell you to stay sill behind him. Your stomach was in all sorts of knots, your legs shaking with all the movement and fear, but when he looked back at you before taking off you followed him with no regards. Instantly the two of you were behind another car, this one much smaller than the truck. Close behind Rick, he led you from one end to the other, and he stopped to peek over the hood of the car before once again darting across the opening before finding cover in another vehicle. Every single time you passed from car to car, those few seconds where you were bare it felt like you were going to either get grabbed or seen.

Eventually the horde was no longer coming right at you. They still hobbled towards where the gunshot rang out but you were on the side of them now, watching them go past. In the distance straight ahead you could see the van, it’s dirty white sticking out against the dimming daylight. Nausea settled deep within your gut as Rick stopped at the far end, waiting for the walkers to break up enough for him to make a break for it. This would be the hardest part. If you and him didn’t run at the exact right moment, if you took too long or went too early, you would be seen and chased. At that point, however, the two of you would be surrounded on either side.

You wished that you could’ve just stayed where you were, but the second half of the walkers were well on their way and unfortunately if you stayed you would be directly into their path. That van would be the only spot where you could hide  without being in the way or being detected.

Still standing in front of you, hand up to keep you halted, Rick looked back at you. “Ready?” He mouthed, and even though fright had you by the throat you still nodded. Seconds dragged on like hours, your heart thudding harshly in your ears while you waited for him to make a move. The car siren only lightened your nerves up further. The waiting was agonizing; scenarios played out like movies in front of your eyes. So much could go wrong-

Rick took off. He kept low to the ground while he moved, his actions swift and precise. Everything in your mind went blank as you reacted on instinct, following his lead. Leaving the cover of the car made you feel naked, passing from car to car at such a crucial moment felt like it was taking forever. Step after step, you swore that something had seen you. The last step you made before joining Rick behind the van was much for forceful, your body nearly toppling over when you finally made it.

Rick fingers came to grab at your arms, tugging you close to him while he moved from the front of the van to the back, keeping sure to watch the walkers through the tinted glass windows. When he finally came to a stop, letting your arm fall back to your side, you held your breath.

“Did they see us?” You whispered, and when he didn’t answer right away you felt your stomach drop.

“No,” Rick shook his head and exhaled roughly. “No. They didn’t see.”

Your head fell for a moment, a breath of utter relief making its way out of your lips. They didn’t see.

Walkers passed by the van, the two of you on the other side of it watching them unknowingly pass you right by. They gathered around the dead body of the one Rick had shot, then all their eyes searched aimlessly for something to take sight of. Thankfully, you and him were gone.

As the last of them passed by to join the group, Rick nodded his head to motion for you to follow him as he made his way around the car, stopping at the trunk and taking a peek around the end before darting out of the cover. Now that the horde had been attracted to the other side of the parking lot, it was a race to get to your car before any others did. A straight shot past a couple dozen vehicles and you’d be there- and Rick knew that.

You followed close behind him, the two of you dead sprinting down the line. He was faster than you and more experienced in running but you managed to stay on his heels, legs aching when you realized you were in the final haul. Only a few more yards and you’d be there. The siren made your ears ring as you drew nearer but that didn’t stop you or him for even a second. If anything it motivated you, making your speed increase. Down the road you could see the blurry figures of walkers being attracted to the sound.

Being right next to the car made your head spin with the sound of the alarm, and you could hear Rick cursing as he shoved the key into the lock before swinging open his door and then forcing they key into into the ignition. All at once everything went quiet, the car starting up and the alarm turning off now that the key had been inserted. The very instant the doors unlocked you threw it open and jumped inside, not waiting to be properly in your seat before slamming the door shut. Rick, in a frenzy to leave the area entirely, pressed hard on the gas and made a rough U-turn back on the road. He didn’t waste a second in flooring it down the street and away from the horde. Growing closer to the walkers you’d seen earlier, he narrowly avoided running them over as he made the getaway. They watched the car barrel past thim with lagging minds, and seeing them disappear in the distance had you leaning back in your seat with a hand splayed over your eyes.

“Jesus christ,” you panted. “Jesus christ I thought that was gonna’ be it.”

“Hey,” Rick averted your attention to him, his hand coming to rest on your leg. “We made it. We’re out.” He was breathing heavy too, and you could see him checking the rearview mirror every few seconds just in case.

“Worst fucking luck ever.”

He looked at you for a moment before turning back to the road like he did earlier, but this time his features were so much harder. “We’re out.” He said, but you weren’t sure if he was saying that to help you down or he himself.

“I thought I lost you,” You whispered, resting your hand overtop his own. “I couldn’t find you, and I-” Within your chest nerves started to light up again, that feeling of fear returning. “I couldn’t see you anywhere and I really thought-”

“___,” Rick interrupted you, taking his eyes off the road to make sure you were looking at him. “I’m right here. It’s over, we’re going back home.”

“I know, I just-”

He shook his head. “You aren’t gonna’ lose me, no matter what. Stop thinking about it.”

Though you nodded at his words, you couldn’t stop. It was the only thing you could picture, the only thing you could feel. His hand squeezed you.

“Stop thinking about it. I’m right here.”

Looking up at him, you swallowed and nodded once more. “I know.”

“Good. I’m not goin’ anywhere, and neither are you. Okay?”

“Okay.” You answered, but this time you really meant it. The both of you were alive despite the terrifying run in, and now you were going home. You wiped at your eyes roughly and sucked in a sharp breath, trying to calm down. In the side view mirror, there were no walkers to be seen and there weren’t any ahead either. You’d made it out, even if your nerves were still having a hard time letting that sink in. You leaned back, eyes slipping shut and your hand once again coming to rest over Ricks. Tired, you mumbled, “Let’s not stop anywhere else.”

“Course not. We got some good stuff already. Sun’s going down- no point in goin’ out any further.”

You let out a sigh of a relief and watched the trees pass in a blur. “Sorry for making you use one of your bullets.”

“It worked out didn’t it? Gave us the chance to get back into here.” He paused to check the mirror again. “Not that it matters- I’d of used the whole clip if I had to.”

You watched him for a few seconds. Even though you expected an answer like that, hearing it still made the corners of your lips turn up in a smile. Your thumb rubbed over his knuckles, long since scarred by countless other fights. “Love you.”

From the corner of your eye you saw him look at you before turning back. After a moment of thoughtful silence, you heard him exhale into a smile. “I love you too.”

[misterbitches]

unpop opinionz abt bl or just my opinions. that may or may not be popular. stream of consci. no one has to care or read. i will  do this whenever i like or when i am drunk and/ or high. like now. i do tharntype + sotus, uwma, lbc, and MODC...and long ass writing and spoilers so if u stumble it aint my problem

tharntype:

some user on here blocked me cos i said rape is bad*. and it is. and it’s stupid. and not done right it has no place in these writers, who really cannot write, or producers hands. it’s easy for people to judge it because it allows itself to be judged. and bl doesn’t fix its own issues. it just keeps perpetuating. when you gain an ounce of respect for women mayhaps that will change and we fuck up all that misogynist shit in our brains (FREE YR MIND)

but anyways i skipped til like ep 6. i barely know what the storyline is and id ont care. it isnt that interesting. they’re not great actors but i like the look of that bigger one. together their chemistry is fun i wouldn’t say like....as deep as i would like but watching them is nice

(this is where the wife/husband thing is relevant. i watched 6 - 13 a lot. so the father saying “as long as you’re not the wife i’m ok with ur HOMOSEXUAL rship then” but it turns out his son was the “wife” and guess what? that’s gross. if you can’t write female characters then leave us out of it.)

anyway i can see why people didn’t watch it. i say skip everything and see how they are together. the skinnier one is not as good w like idk. being seductive? but he’s fun to watch lol. together they are nice. i really enjoyed watching their dynamic.

some of the kissing was a lot but not in a bad way. i think if they had a deeper connection i would feel it more. but i saw gifs of them and piqued my interest and i clicked(footnote 2)

 the actors as themselves and whatever their rship is fun to watch..i read some UNSAVORY things about one of the actors with another dude in another show but whatever.

hm what else....yea the show is ok. theyre not great actors. cute together. sometimes when they kiss there was way too much like breathing jesus christ shut up. they totally could have done some inverted tropes but they didnt bc why would they.

a...c? c-? i give it? maybe that. people who had some criticism for it were right (like me :P) idk why i got BLOCKED cos i was JUST SAYING. rape in a story for no reason or as a startoff for lust is ridiculous. disgusting. i wont ever shut up about it. it helps no one and doesn’t help the gay community (can go down a rabbit hole here, too)

C- (this is generous but D+ seemed kinda mean...)

sotus + sequel:

idk why but i’ve seen some things flaoting around about the light guy. idk if they are true or not. i did not like that. i saw this before i read those tho (abt him not being comfortable)

this is what im talking abt...and this is where gmmtv will fail. but most bls. they’re CLEARLY worth something. they make money. the actors are a draw for others. i am not a thai citizen nor a thai teen so but i am assuming many get popular. this is because there’s a formula that is almost always stuck to. i am guessing that the channel is a public broadcast (not an HBO type) so there has to be more censorship

i LOVE seeing what countries with less production $ or a more current industry, (like in SEA tho ppl hav ebeen making revolutionary art foreverrrrrr don tforget there’s more than dramas) create. there’s less money and stuff and maybe the editing isnt good or a certain way the drama is shown is very particular and not always appealing. i am nigerian, i respect that shit. nollywood is that shit too.

and as people ge tmore $ for prods or more public support they get better (i cannot emphasize how MUCH BETTER SOUND HAS GOTTEN FOR THAI SHOWS OMG dramas in general but)

so sotus kind of suffers from lower prod quality. but also the acting is bad. sorry it is. i like the darker guy (sorry im too lazy to google names but...singto? right? hes a good photographer) and he has gotten better or wil get better i think but. yea. terrible acting lol

also like...u can tell that other dude wasn’t totally comfortable or they just didnt know each other enough. i don’t know. it was very much two guys standing next to each other now like kiss once. the reluctance to show like affection even in private settings is BONKERS TO ME. literally it’s like these men have the most sterile rships and that is suchhhh an issue in BLs, particularly the thai i guess. 

tbh if the storyline was better and if they had more chemistry it would be better to me. i know ppl love it, i dont really get it lol...their kisses r ok...idk it’s like a waste of time. i’ve tried watching it like 1000000 times 

thats all i have for now 

*im oversimplfying. i think it was bc ppl were being harsh. but any excucses people want to use the fact is that....rape bad and that’s stupid ok. but it sucks cos i wanna rt their gifs sometimes but nope lMAO

i know im not wrong so...

lbc, uwma, modc: 

I LITERALLY CANNOT WATCH THESE ACTORS. I’M SORRY  I CANNOT. THEIR FACES MAKE ME FURIOUS OR THEIR ACTING. I DONT KNOW WHY. i am shocked i dont totally hate saint bc i abhorred the character in LBC and like. every ounce of it. i dont rly like taht small dude from uwma (the past s/l?) i just cant w his face, and modc...omfg....the guy was so fucking SICK LOOKING

this is where footnote 2 comes in: if i cannot handle ur fucking face i will hate the drama. the secondary char in tharntype like the highschooler? oh my god i wanted to die too but like. shit. i wouulda watched for teamwin but that was barely there. and i could not get through modc. the couple with the age gap is gross, and i lit cannt look at this hot-ass big guy making out with a stick that dies

i cant be the only one. i didn’t like uwma dude’s face in the other drama he was in either. i like him as a person. maybe if i could see him do something else. ...

oh this is also why the first 2 moons....i hated...pha’s....whole.....existence. his face, his attitude, fuck. maybe it’s the playing up the femininity part of someone but then having them being a fuckin doormat. sad cos in lbc and modc the main love interests i like. but they’re also stupid. and just. god. stupid fuckin rships.

too much emphasis is put on love as The Thing but they can’t even exhibit love the way they should. idk what im SAYING IT’S JUST WORDS

had sth else to jot down but i forgot i may update this and remind meself

[foreheadface]

sorry sorry i just have to get this out

and you know what scares me more than people is people thinking im really weird because of my disability or i make them uncomfortable because of my self-deprecating jokes or the cancer thing or etc? and AR has such shit transportation so if someone wants to hang out with me like last semester i wont be able to do it because i can't drive and i don't expect anybody to waste gas money to pick me up bc also who even am i and i just  

*breath*

what if i fail at talking and i just i know i'ts not like going there TOMORROW but ii feel like i've already destroyed so many relationships in the past like 5 years i don't know if i can even handle it??? 

i feel burnt out and hurt all the time, all over again and its this same sinking feeling i've felt for like the last 5 years and i just feel like everyone's moving on but me and i've just stopped.

like sometimes i'll just stare at the wall and pretend that i'm someone else because i don't know... being me just really really sucks??? or at least i think it does??

i started crying like last.... week? i think?? and mom asked if i need to talk to a therapist but i said no.. because i honestly don't even think that will even help??? because like what will that even solve? it won't change the fact that i'm basically alone all the freaking time. or that i can't, like, leave this godforsaken house alone because i'm blind and can't remember anything as everyone so loves to tell me over and over because of a stroke and what if i can't find my way back home if i did leave by myself? theres just no point. 

like i remember doctors and my mother and lots of other ppl saying that im a fighter and i can get through anything but... i just don’t feel like there’s any point in fighting back? 

is that what hopelessness is? am i depressed? 

like... its not like i want to hurt myself or anything... im not wanting to die. i just feel like i'm sand on a beach and i want life to pass over me like water because i dont think theres anything i can do about it???

i want to go out and do things. draw landscapes. learn things. write about people. meet other humans. have a conversation. change the world. change what people perceive about b/vi disabled ppl but i dont have the means to even do that. like there's no way and (at least where i like) b/vi kids get out of high school, maybe go to college, but then they just sit on their ass in their house bc they can't go anywhere and accumulate an ssi check a month (although the repubes are trying to get rid of that so thanks, trump) or they start working for dsb (a division of dhs) and thats cool and all but they kinda suck and can't really help anyone without that person knowing what they need so ppl who just became blind/vi dont even know what to do and I JUST. 

both scenarios terrify me. 

i guess that's why i like Lamiroir from AA so much as a fictional character because she lost EVERYTHING. 

first her husband and (she believed) her first CHILD BURN TO DEATH IN A HORRIBLE FIRE DURING A KINGDOM OVERTHROW IN THIS FOREIGN COUNTRY then, she gets remarried (now at acceptance in her grief with all the trauma of the past) AND SHE GETS SHOT IN THE HEAD (in her occipital lobe, im assuming because thats vision. i am an expert) BY HER NEW HUSBAND AND HIS FRIEND AND LIVES and her father ships her off to a fucking foreign country where she sings in restaurants as a career (i wonder if she learned braille in Borginia??? hmmm new hc) AND SHE FUCKING MAKES IT. 

Thalassa makes it and consequently makes a living off of something she loves. i just... i don't hear about that a lot. successful b/vi people (at least in AR, like what... we’re like the third poorest state???) and it depresses me even more. 

the two other girls in my senior class both have kids now and thats usually what happens to blind women that graduate from that school. 

or, they get a degree and they start working at the very school they graduated from. which is nice i guess but... it sort of made me feel like... they've never been anywhere but at the Blind School. 

and... doesn't really relate but this relates to the "i destroy every meaningful relationship i've ever had" and the "giving up/ giving in" thing... i've starting to think that... maybe i'm the problem. 

i mean... i guess i've had issues with friends all throughout my life. i changed schools 4 times in elementary school, and one of those was because of bullying. 

i've never really felt like i belonged in a group. the only time i did was right before i got leukemia and right before that everyone was acting weird.... almost like... none of them really... liked me..?? 

and i dunno... i guess i just haven't ever met the ppl i really click with in college yet but i'm starting to think that maybe i'm the one who’s toxic? or a bomb or... something. 

i write about people all the time in meaningful relationships and i guess they're just daydreams and words but when i get to certain parts i stop because “is this really how ppl would act in this situation?” i don't know. i don't know any ppl to talk to to see. 

if you've been on my blog this past week, you'll probably already know that i was hanging out with/camping with my dad and his girlfriend. 

and that was.... weird, to say the least... 

like, she's kinda... weird... but she's nice and i have no right to judge her. i mean i don't even know her that well. and she doesn't have a driver's licensee anymore so we rode around in cabs all day which is kinda my future. she also talked badly abt stevie (which i mean is understandable bc my brother has major issues w/ dad and literally acts like an ass everytime he’s around him) but that kinda pissed me off- still kinda does... because she doesn’t know him and she doesn’t know the shit my dad hhas done. To all of us. like its not even her place to ever hate stevie for anyway he acts bc she has no fucking clue what happened b4 she met my dad.

 BUT ANYWAY this lady like has massive anxiety too abt like ppl and like doesn't go anywhere either a lot. but ANYWAY where was i going with this? smh 

IM JUST SCARED OKAY IM SCARED ABOUT SO MANY THINGS 

*sigh* its 12:48 whoops srry srry

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[fitzykreiner]

lmao i keep forgetting abt this bc i keep like forcibly trying to ignore it lol. so ya earlier today my mom, who’s not been feeling well, came down and sat on the stairs and asked how far i have gotten in supergirl blah blah & then asked why i started watching it in the first place. and so i legit just stopped & smiled & said “because there’s lesbians in it. two happy, alive lesbians.” and she countered with “you know they don’t stay together, right?” (she thought this bc she hasn’t watched all the eps & i’m assuming the last one she saw is one where maggie & alex have one of their ~falling outs) which u know........is great. it’s great. thanks mom, really love u always shooting down my happiness @ something that u don’t understand, & never care to TRY to understand (re: my sexuality, my adhd, my depression, my suspicion of being autistic, my admittedly irrational fears presenting as phobias, my incapability to finish school, idk the list goes on lol) but then she also made a comment after i said that the two lesbians were alex & maggie and that yes, they are together. happily. she said something abt alex not having been a lesbian before. i don’t quite remember exactly what she said?? one, my memory is shite on a good & non-upsetting day; two, lmfao. just.......lmao. she said it in such...i don’t even know. a bad way. it upset me so much, i think i kinda subconsciously blocked it bc i really don’t remember exactly what i said and what she said. but back when i thought i was bisexual & came out to her, she was always like.....idk. trying to seem like she knew more than me abt me and that i was? idk. stupid, i guess? like she had told me a few years before that that she thought bisexual people were just confused, that they were either gay or straight. (i had a friend who said he was bisexual) and she just?? always questioned me? and made me feel like i didn’t really know myself? like i’ll never forget, one day i was driving home from my therapist appointment with her in the passenger seat (it took me 3 years to finally get my license, alright. i still only had my permit lmao) & she did her usual routine of asking how the session went & what we talked about (yikes) and i don’t remember how, i must have said something abt my sexuality, bc then she started with the whole “well you’ve never been with a girl or dated a girl, so how can u really know?” complete bullshit & i tried to explain to her, but i couldn’t really bc guess who tf is terrible @ conversation, expressing my feelings, & confrontation? this person right here! anyway, she then asked me if i thought that my attraction to girls was bc i was afraid to be naked around a guy (this was back when i really didn’t like my body), that i was afraid he’d be mean and judge me. & so i thought abt it and of course the thought of being naked with a guy grossed me out (for lesbian reasons i was not yet aware of) so i said “i don’t know? i guess that could be part of it????” and she just sat back & idk i felt like she felt a little smug, like she got me to admit my feelings weren’t real. and i don’t know, i’m probably projecting onto that moment bc i’m just so...upset and disappointed with her, it probably wasn’t as malicious as this is sounding, but. it is true that every time i come to her, excited, happy, about a thing i’ve discovered about myself, every time i’ve come to her wanting to share this thing i’ve realized, bc she is the only constant in my life & we’ve never had a typical mother/daughter relationship, it’s always been a more equal ground/co-dependent tragedy, i’ve wanted her to be elated with me & for me bc wow!! i’ve figured something out abt myself!! this is exciting!!!! she always just fucking shoots me down, & makes me so so SO upset & regret ever telling her, bc she always minimizes things or tries to ~rationalize things and basically try to get me to see that “everyone is like that sometimes” or say little subtle things that, to me, translate as “you don’t know yourself yet, you have no idea who you are/who you’re attracted to” & “i may act accepting & approving of your sexuality, but really. when are you going to stop pretending and go back to being normal?” like i know she doesn’t consciously think this stuff, these aren’t actual thoughts that go thru her head, but i think that deep down that is how she feels. bc she just...every time. every fucking time. makes me feel like shit. and when i try to disagree with her, that yes i know every one does this/feels like that every now and then, but this is my entire life, she then pulls out the comparison card between her and me. and i don’t know how many fucking times over the course of my life that i have told her i hate when she compares the two of us, that i know she does it bc she wants me to understand that i’m not the only who feels like this, or that i can do these things bc she’s done them, but that to me it just HURTS. like she ignores everything i’ve said & every time she compares us she always makes me feel stupid, or immature, or incapable. bc she had a p shit home life as a teenager and yet she went to school and got good grades and had tons of friends and took care of her mom and got a job early and paid for her own school clothes and car and just EVERYTHING THAT I’VE FAILED AT, SHE SUCCEEDED. and i know she means well but every time she does i feel like she’s rubbing my fucking face in it like “why can’t you do this???? i did it!! it’s easy!!!! you’re just too weak/lazy/not trying hard enough!” and it sucks, it fucking sucks. i love her and i know she loves me and i know that she doesn’t intentionally hurt me with these things, but she still does.