mackerel22 - Tumblr blog

[mackerel22]

Kunikida: Why is Dazai late, again?

Atsushi, writing Dazai's report: He said he's going through an existential crisis and won't get up of his futon cause he doesn't know what's real anymore. 😅

Kunikida: 😡

[mackerel22]

*singer!Chuuya au*

Interviewer: Do you ever hear from your exs after you release a song about them?

Chuuya: Well some of them like to write really long emails.

Interviewer: Oh really?

Chuuya: Hm. The guys when I break up with them are like, "You better not write a song about this!"

Chuuya: and I'm like, "No, I wont."

Interviewer:

Chuuya: and then I do.

Interviewer:

Interviewer: Have your ever written a song it was so mean you couldn't release it?

Chuuya: No, I just put those on my albums.

[mackerel22]

Atsushi: What is it like to be aspec? I don't really get it.

Dazai: Ok, listen up. Mentally I'm very romantic.

Dazai: Physically I'm asexual.

Dazai: Spiritually I'm a fucking slut.

Atsushi: Yep, makes sense.

[mackerel22]

Dazai: Some of these ppl out here rlly got me struggling to be ace.

Ranpo: You're talking about Chuuya.

Dazai: I'm most def talking about Chuuya.

[mackerel22]

Dazai: Last night I had a dream that you and I bought matching side by side mansions.

Dazai: But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard.

Chuuya:

Dazai: What do you think it means?

Chuuya:😶

[mackerel22]

Dazai: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant other and-

Chuuya: I wrote you a poem.

Dazai, already crying: You did???

[mackerel22]

Chuuya: Here's the thing. So I've known for a while now that Dazai has a little crush on me...

Kouyou: A little crush?

Chuuya:

Kouyou: Well, I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.

Chuuya: Yeah, I don't rlly know who they are...and I don't care, so listen...

Chuuya: The point is Dazai isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.

Kouyou: Darling, Dazai isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with...

[mackerel22]

Dazai: Now I'll arrange our security.

Atsushi: Why?

Dazai: The mission is dangerous and we're hot. The enemy will want us for our info and our boddies.

Atsushi: Our info maybe...

Dazai: Speak for yourself kitten...

Dazai: Now I'm calling the only man who can fuck me.

Atsushi: What???😨

Dazai, calling Chuuya: I mean, who can protect me...us...

Atsushi: Ugh. 🤦‍♂️

Chuuya, picking up: What now?

Dazai: Well hello my big dick chibi.

Chuuya: What

Atsushi: the

Chuuya: fuck

Atsushi: Dazai!

Dazai: Language everyone!

[mackerel22]

Chuuya: The mission might be over, but as long as you're around, we'll always get into trouble.

Dazai, happily: Thanks Chuu!!!

Chuuya: Not a compliment.

Dazai: 😔

[mackerel22]

Dazai: My feelings for Chuuya are strictly platonic.

Ango: I see...What color are his eyes?

Dazai: Ocean blue, not in a weird way but in a way your ship can get lost in their waves and you’d never want to escape because it feels like an adventure and discovering new things in life...

Odasaku: Right...

Ango: What color are my eyes?

Dazai: Idk brown? Shut up Ango I'm talking about Chuuya.

[mackerel22]

Chuuya, during a mission: How are we gonna get out of this?

Dazai: Don't worry, I have a plan!

Chuuya: *sighs* Ah, the four words society fears most.

[mackerel22]

Chuuya: *gets down on one knee*

Dazai, also getting down on his knees: What are we looking for?

Chuuya, who had been reaching for the ring in his pocket: Dude...

[mackerel22]

Dazai, being captured by the enemy who is dragging him away : Let me go and I'll pay you whatever you want.

Dazai: Fuck I forgot my wallet!

Dazai: *turns back to look at Chuuya*

Dazai: Chuuya, pay him whatever he wants !!!

[mackerel22]

Dazai, extremely drunk: Who is.....who is that ginger beauty who wears a hat with those perfect blue eyes?

Yosano: That's your boyfri-

Dazai: I'll fuck him tonight, don't tell Chuuya.

Yosano: Ok bro, I won't tell him.

*20 minutes later*

Chuuya, also very very drunk: Sorry man, you're rlly hot but I have a boyfriend...

Dazai: I see, let's call him to join us too then! 😉

Chuuya: *calls Dazai and Dazai's phone rings*

Dazai, picking up the phone: Hellooo...

Chuuya, looking at Dazai: 😶

Dazai, looking at Chuuya: 😶

Yosano: 🤦‍♀️

[mackerel22]

Chuuya: *beating the shit out of the enemy using his gravity powers*

Dazai, under his breath: He’s so strong and so dumb and one day he's gonna top me!

[mackerel22]

Dazai: I’m an excellent driver.

Chuuya: You almost ran over a woman by accident.

Dazai, remembering how that woman smiled at Chuuya flirtatious: Ah yes… by accident… yes.

[mackerel22]

Dazai: When I was 15 I googled "two men kissing" on Mori's computer and when he asked me why that was in his search bar, I said "Idk, you tell me"

Dazai: and it worked.