musicalmonstrosity

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i love like a starved dog kicked out into the rain.

you can kick me, hit me, shove me out to be left for dead. yet if you come back to apologize with cascading tears, I'll lick your tears away even if they taste of venom from a serpent.

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Me when I see someone fall victim to mental illness induced self sabotage and I can’t do anything but let it pass (it’s a canon event)

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saw another post about ramcoa so i just want to take this minute to remind you that when you say shit like ramcoa not being real because you don’t think sra is real (which is…. still debatable given the context of the abuse and group), you are also discounting literally every other person who has undergone repeated abuse and brainwashing by other religions organizations (oh like i dunno, the christian and catholic church???????? hello??????????). this type of abuse is very real, absolutely exists, and happens to people all the time in all parts of the world with all types of religions and political alliances.

if your qualm with the term is that it’s not medically recognized in the DSM or likewise, please understand that even CPTSD isn’t recognized in the DSM at this point in the US even though folks are actively being diagnosed with it and treated for it. books like that are revised once in a blue moon, there are new terms being made to describe experiences constantly, things take time.

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me after losing a bad bitch

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To The Two People Waiting Beside The Cash Machine - Jordan Bolton

My first book ‘Blue Sky Through the Window of a Moving Car’ is now available to pre-order! Get it here - https://smarturl.it/BlueSky

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Damn, they fucked up his cut so bad 😭 someone fight his barber pls 🙏🏽

I don't crosspost from reddit often but I need everyone to see this right NOW.

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You ever have those sudden spikes of dissociation and flashbacks? Just a full blown spike of a traumatized state. It’s so random, it’s so painful yet so painless. Like a disconnected pain, you know the knife is in your skin, you see the blood, you know it’s supposed to hurt, but when you say “ow” it’s monotone and numb. I see the trauma, I see the memories and the faces, I see the tears, but feel none of it. Like I’ve been suddenly struck with that condition that makes you feel no pain. I feel a dull pain, but not the pain, just the waves of the sensation that remains.

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Drake….Drake come on man. Buddy I think you need to take Kdot’s advice and go to therapy, smoke a joint, take some Zoloft, something man.

2024 isn’t real man I’m gonna crash out man.

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Being a little silly to cope with my joint and nerve pain.

-The more I listen to Like That the more I question why the fuck Kendrick moaning into the mic like that bro….

Like keep that shit on the hub bro…

I remember you was conflicted

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Also more system related hot takes coming soon! I have so much on my mind especially about RAMCOA/OEA.

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Gonna start posting little life hacks to help out fellow mentally ill people. Let me know if there’s anything specific you’d want a hack for like self care, financial, and education!

My first post I’ll do in a bit once I leave a certain location will be for self care and hygiene hacks I’ve found or made.

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I forgot that mental illness effects your asleep, thanks to my wonderful partner recording concerning events in my sleep i know now I groan in pain and distress when highly stressed/system is stressed/a traumatic trigger happened. That was the scariest shit I’ve ever heard and I have no memory of it. I do know it was triggered by having to return to my abusive family and cult, plus also an event of an older alter sobbing to them in fear only to slowly cry himself to sleep.

So yeah to fellow systems out there, try setting up recordings of your sleep patterns, with audio because it’s another way of telling shit is clearly wrong. Also try having partners record you in dissociative states/episodes (with permission) to send to your therapist as extra evidence with testimony. Any time I’ve doubted myself or have been fakeclaimed, I go back to this and realize “how in the fuck am I gonna fake mental illness in my sleep?”

Btw this condition has a name, it’s catathrenia and there is no known cause and is extremely rare as well. Some evidence suggests psychiatric disorders can cause it, but they’re not completely sure as this disorder is so rare. However sleep disorders are more common in people with PTSD/CPTSD and other trauma related disorders.

It’s not lethal or dangerous it’s just very creepy and distressing to others who hear it and can be a way of telling if a person may be heavily distressed as the audios compared with my normal snores I only seem to make these sounds when in high distress or in a dissociative state when I sleep.

Sources

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Guys the craziest shit just happened!

So for those who don’t know I was deaf as a child, my ears had severe blockage because my ear couldn’t drain properly and wasn’t helped by my ableist parents denying it until it started hurting me which by then it was almost solidified. Eventually it ruptured my ear drum and I had to be taken to the ER (I was around 6 and for once even the cult was like “okay prayers and our medic guy can’t fix this holy shit”), surgery was done to put tubing in and I could finally hear, only to learn it was a temporary fix and that it would keep coming back for the rest of my life. So I invested in an ear camera a year ago to keep an eye on blockages or anything odd, kept it clean and helped me notice when my hearing was failing again.

Today in a insomnia driven mood I decided hey let’s check my ear (my right one has been giving out more the last 6 months) and yeah there was a small chunk, I get it and accidentally lift something. I keep peeling it and suddenly half of the shit in my right ear came out. I compared it to my better left ear and realized that is not how an ear canal is supposed to look. Apparently my right ear didn’t shed correctly and had basically had layers of skin and wax sitting on top for god knows how long and I just got it out and holy fuck the sound difference is crazy.

I’m still going to keep learning ASL bc it’s guaranteed I will eventually be permanently deaf, but I’m glad to know that time hasn’t come yet and I’ve got a few more years of hearing left :]