obies-trauma-diary

[obies-trauma-diary]

[obies-trauma-diary]

being emotionally abused for years ruined me!!! it really did!!! i don’t know how to heal!!!

[obies-trauma-diary]

@support @staff could you maybe sort this shit out?! you're hosting ads promoting dangerous weight loss "cures" on a site with vulnerable people on. your youngest users are 13. you have to know that this is the biggest mental illness and disorders community on the Internet. youre promoting dangerous shit on your site with young, impressionable and vulnerable people on, with a free sample!

this is harmful and cruel. sort it out. you can't say you don't allow content talking about eating disorders and simultaneously promote this. it's hypocritical. fix it.

[obies-trauma-diary]

July is disability awareness month but a lot of people tend to forget it :/ :/ :/

[obies-trauma-diary]

School Bully

Do you not realize how badly you hurt me?

Do you not understand? 

i’m scared now about meeting new people because of you. I’m scared of them not liking me because i feel ugly inside. 

i was always the ugliest girl. i was always single and everyone would use me for bets and dares.

Who’d be the one to date me the longest? Who’d be the one to get me to fall for them the quickest?

15$ for three months!

In my entire highschool, I was the only one treated like that. 

Halloween was shit. “haha its halloween already? i didnt know they’d let us wear masks to school! oh wait, thats just your face!!! ew!!”

I was always alone. I was always the ugly one. 

and I’m still the ugliest boy.

my photos are lies cause im ugly and filters are a thing. 

i had crooked teeth until 12th grade, and i was called Beaver Teeth. Then i became Brace Face. Or Four Eyes. Or Spazz or R*tard cause of my autism and stimming. 

I was stuck between Cow and Wanna-be Anorexic. people couldnt choose. even when I was outted as anorexic, weighing 80lbs underweight. people didnt give a shit. I was dying and they never cared. They always said i was just a wannabe and I was still ugly.

I was Spotty Face cause of freckles or Pizza face cause i had a zit or two.

I feel disgusting because of you and you still wont admit you bullied me.

Sexual harrassment is bad in your eyes but me calling someone out for sexually harrassing me got me laughed at because i was too ugly to be sexually harrassed, right?

FUCK YOU for making me feel like that. FUCK YOU for bullying me and making me feel alone. FUCK YOU for pretending to care when id actually cry but then you’d laugh behind my back. FUCK YOU for outing me when i wasnt ready to tell EVERYONE. FUCK YOU! Bullying isnt ok and I wanted to die so much because you all made me feel like shit everyday at school. You werent my friends and never will be. 

[obies-trauma-diary]

My mom: *tells me I'm crazy and should be in a mental ward**threatens to beat me if I don't do what she tells me**if I start to cry, she threatens to beat me more to give me something to cry about**if I'm having a panic attack cause she's literally in my face screaming, shell act like she cares for a second and tell me to breathe, then call me crazy and im overreacting and need to calm down before she kicks me out**calls me a fatass for eating for the first time all day**holds my braces, my laptop and my cats over my head, tho I didn't ask for a laptop and I got my cats on my own and take care of them alone**didn't get me braces until I was 18 years old even though we had the money. Let me walk around with crooked teeth and get bullied intensely for it**pretends she loves and accepts me for being transFtM, gay and poly, but then berates me behind closed doors and misgenders me on purpose**abuses her dogs and literally starves them sometimes, but screams at me for yelling at my cat one time for knocking a water glass off into my bed and almost hitting my laptop...**acts like the garden outside is all her doing, when I planted the seeds, watered it everyday, weeded it and planted any potted plants I got. She has a black thumb, I have a green thumb.but nope, she did it all!!**judges my age regression even though I've explained and shown her proof it helps with therapy and trauma.**constantly belittles my healthy therapy methods, says I don't have any trauma cause I've had a good life and shes a good mom.**utterly refuses to accept the fact that I am Autistic, she isn't anti vaxx, thankfully, but she doesn't want to understand that autism is a spectrum**she refuses to understand that my mental health issues are because of 21 years of abuse by her, but abuse to her is leaving bruises and threatening with knives and such, while she jut screams in my face/causes panick attacks intentionally/hits me in the face or stomach and doesn't leave bruises/manipulates me/belittles me/and lets other people belittle and hit me*

*rants to me about how utterly abusive and manipulative and horrible her mother was to her and how she is so glad she's a better mom then that*

Me: hey, you're really damaged me over the years and I want to talk about that. May I please let you know how you've made me feel so we can make this better??

my mom: YoURe AbuSIvE AnD MAnIpULAtIve! YoURe JusT LIkE mY MoTHeR!!!

my mom: *threatens to send me to the hospital**calls me a baby and mocks me**threatens to kick me out**makes me stay in my room by myself and tells me if she hears me crying she's throwing me out and I can "go somewhere else and do that"*

my mom: actually ur abusive and manipulative

[obies-trauma-diary]

This virus is the worst shit right now...

Being stuck at home, with my mother.

I'm scared and hurting. I want to be free. I want her to go back to work just so she isn't around me for so long any more.

She calls me fat.

She makes ableist comments, then says she's a good mom for letting her disabled "daughter" stay with her.

She constantly calls me the wrong name, wrong pronouns, but gets mad if I correct her. Then says she accepts and respects me...

I hate her.

[obies-trauma-diary]

My partner is going back to their home to get a job and find us a safe place to live.

[obies-trauma-diary]

Dear Diary (May 9th, 2020)

Today my mother decided to repeatedly ask for my help with stuff she could easily do.

I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And this means I have low spoons alot. Well. For over two weeks, I've been trying to FINISH cleaning my room. That's hard when I have low to no spoons... So. My mother asks me as I'm starting to clean finally, to give the dog water. And I say no and tell her why.

She jumps up and starts screaming randomly. She throws a chair at me and starts to come at me. She gets in my face, as I'm backing away, and yells "get away from me. Now!" All while still walking towards me as I'm backing up. ??? Like?? I was confused and scared. I didn't know what I was suppose to do cause she was the one coming towards me...

Then she back me into a corner and starts screaming at me about how I'm a lazy good for nothing who never helps around the house...

I have CPTSD, autism, chronic fatigue, depression, insomnia, chronic pain, anxiety, agoraphobia & anthropophobia, and a list of other issues I'm dealing with. But despite all that, I still get up or try to, and go tend the garden, watch the kids for her during the day, help her clean the nasty pool she let get dirty during winter so we can swim this summer, take care of the dogs, and cook when she asks me to.

But I forget, I don't do anything around the house. Right.

Just cause I don't do dishes, because it makes me vomit from bad sensory.

Just cause I don't clean the house, cause I stick to my room and none of the mess out in the house is mine.

Just cause I don't wait on her hand and foot cause I'm not a slave.

Im the bad guy and I'm the bad kid and I don't deserve anything she does for me.

She then left me alone. But only for a second, cause she wasn't done yet!! Oh boy!!

Five minutes later, she came knocking on my door and said "you have money, buy your own food. Don't use my kitchen or eat my food anymore!"

Which is just great!! I have an eating disorder cause she calls me a fatass all the time. And I don't have money actually. So. Fantastic...

She wants me to work on my art and writing. But then she won't let me and tells me to get a real job, even tho I have anxiety and literally can't!

She tells me to get in disability, but won't help me get an official diagnosis so I can cause she doesn't think I have disabilities.

She tells me I'm allowed to have a service dog, but then she won't let me train her and keep her and take care of her cause she doesn't think I actually need one.

I don't know what to do anymore...

I need help ...

If you want to help out alittle with food or saving to get free, I have a patreon and a PayPal. Just DM me...

Okay...

Imma go cry now.

-Obie

[obies-trauma-diary]

fyi to yall in quarantine whos grasp on reality is getting a little slippery: isolation, intense boredom, stress and lack of positive routine are absolutely contributing factors to exacerbating psychosis and psychosis-adjacent disorders, even latent ones. im not saying this to fearmonger im saying it so u can recognise it and take steps to handle it especially if it induces your first ever episode.

some warning signs can include

starting to believe unusual things that you previously did not believe (e.g. living in a simulation / you or others around you not being real / secretly being in hell or dead / otherworldly beings communicating with you somehow / government conspiracies / everyone around you is out to get you and harboring ill intent)

seeing things youre pretty sure arent there (e.g. shadow people, floating lights, stationary objects moving on their own, animals in a house that doesnt have pets)

hearing things (e.g. murmured voices, occasional clear and loud voices, faint music, scratching sounds, any without a source)

feeling a sense of dread or generalised paranoia, a sense that you are being watched or that something terrible is looming on the horizon but you dont know what

having extra trouble putting your thoughts in order and speaking coherently, cannot concentrate, space out to the point of feeling slightly catatonic

those most at risk are anyone with a family history of this vein of mental illness as well as those using certain drugs to get through the tedium of quarantine - if this is you, its best to research whether the substances youre using have documented links to triggering episodes of psychosis in users. weed is included in this, not just psychoactive drugs.

here are some steps you can take to get a handle on the situation if your grasp on reality is slipping like this and you cant access irl mental health resources.

have a routine. this is vitally important - you need structure. set an alarm for a specific time every day, even though you have nowhere to be. give yourself a bedtime. eat 2 meals a day, at least, at regular times.

leave the house. no, i dont mean Go Out, just be outside for a while every day or two. go for a walk if you can. stand outside your house for 15 minutes paying attention to the cars and the birds and the breeze and the clouds if you cant. really observe your surroundings. get sunlight.

on that note - let as much natural light into your house as possible during waking hours. your circadian rhythm needs it.

take up some form of hobby that requires physical engagement - whether thats journaling, drawing, making origami, gardening, cooking. the point of this is to ground yourself in your body and the world around you, have an affect on your surroundings, and stimulate your brain.

dont dwell on your delusions, hallucinations or distressing trains of thought if you can help it. that isnt to say "snap out of it and just dont have symptoms", but rather accept them without either judging them or overindulging in them. observe them as they happen, accept that they happen, and let it go, if you can. you may not be able to control the experiences, but you can control how you react to them, and the best case scenario is not allowing them to overwhelm your thoughts and your days. this is much easier said than done, especially if the experiences are distressing in nature, but the aim is to sever the feedback loop that causes further stress and thus further bad extrasensory experiences.

this is honestly just a basic surface scratch of advice though bc im by no means an expert, just someone w latent psychosis who used to work in the field for a while. there are tons of resources online by others who have experienced psychosis that can be a huge help if u think you might be at risk due to the stress, boredom and uncertainty of quarantine

[obies-trauma-diary]

March:

Coronavirus spreads rapidly

Prison Riot in Columbia due to Covid-19 panic

2020 Olympics likely postponed

Shooting in Baltimore, killed 1 & injured 5

Death Penalty abolished in Colorado

FDA approved 15 minute Covid-19 Test!

Egypt reopens Pyramid of Djoser after 14 year restoration

Oculudentavis khaungraae discovered, world's smallest dinosaur

Japanese man, age 50, arrested for breaking quarentine after testing positive and going to two crowed bars. Told multiple people, including wife, that me intended to spread the virus.

Several Prison Riots in Italy

Canada bans conversion therapy

Harvey Wienstien sentenced to 23 years in prison for 2 accounts of sexual assault

WASP-76b discovered, exoplanet with liquid hot iron

Tim Hanks and wife test positive for Covid-19

Astronomers discover 139 new "minor planets" in the Solar System that are beyond the orbit of Neptune, which helps boost odds of finding Planet Nine.

Tornado outbreak greatly affects the Southern States

Netherland Researchers find antibodies that may help cure Covid-19, vaccines are under way and being tested!!!

Ancient Petroglyph discovered in Iran

The ancestor, Ikaria wariootia, of all animals with a bilateral body plan is discovered as a fossil in rocks of South Australia.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons finally releases!!!

(make sure you wash your hands!!)

2020: the Year of Shit:

(reposting with each new month)

January:

•WW3 Threats

•Coronavirus Spreads Further

•Texas School Shooting

•Kobe Bryant and Daughter Die in Helicopter Crash

•A Shooting at A Texas Bar

•A Shooting at A Kansas City Bar

[obies-trauma-diary]

Dear Diary (April 6, 2020)

I want to deeply apologize for not posting in over a month... I've been... Horrible.

One good thing is my partner got me ACNH to help me keep my mind off the virus situation. (ACNH diary posts @achillean-crossing )

Otherwise ...

The virus is terrifying me. I can't tell if my chest hurts from stress, hypocondria, asthma, allergies or covid-19... I'm petrified of the hospital, a stewing pit of illness. I'm terrified of dying and getting my partner sick. I'm afraid I'm just being worried and I'm freaking myself out... I'm scared that I'm actually sick and I'm gonna die...

They've finally called lock down in Georgia. Far too late, but finally... But. My mother won't listen and still goes out, still invites people over. She makes jokes about the virus...

"Cough cough. Oh no I've got Corona. Get me a lime!"

My partner coughs because of the smokers in the house smoking PACKS a day and it scares me to think he might be sick, until he assures me he's fine it's just the smoke.

I am constantly stressed... Still abuses by mom... Crying and getting myself worked up... Everything is so scary... Please... Please I hope this all gets better soon...

I don't want to die...

I'm scared...

-Obie...

[obies-trauma-diary]

Damn. This made me cry. We really aren't the people you think we are.

I spent three weeks in a mental hospital and what I discovered there I feel like should be put into words.

we are not who you think we are.

the boy with tourettes told the funniest jokes

the girl who raked her nails up and down her skin could create the most exquisite drawings

the girl who abused drugs had the wisest soul

the boy with schizophrenia had the biggest heart

the girl who tried to kill herself told the boy with insomnia stories to help lure him to sleep

the boy who wanted to kill himself had the deepest passion for cooking

the girl with slits and scars all over her body dried my tears and told me I was beautiful

the boy with anger issues gave the warmest hugs

the girl with bulimia told everyone every day that they looked beautiful in their bodies

the boy who was a compulsive liar told us that he wanted us all to get better, and that he was for once telling the truth

the girl who almost drank herself to death stood up for anyone that felt they were feeling bullied

the boy with social anxiety made sure nobody sat alone at meals

we are not who you think we are.

[obies-trauma-diary]

I've had my braces for almost 4 years now. Mostly because I can't afford to pay for them anymore so I haven't gone. But they won't take them off. My teeth are straight now and they're basically acting like permanent retainers... I'm gonna go soon to get them removed because im so tired of them and the pain they cause.

Thank you for letting me vent and talk about this. Seeing your post made me feel less alone with medical trauma.

Thank you for being brave and talking about it. You've opened a gateway to others understanding that it's not just a fear of doctors and such for us.

I feel like people gloss over medical related trauma a lot??

Like I've never been directly hurt by doctors but I've been traumatized by illness.

When the swine flu outbreak happened, I caught it and I nearly died. I got really bad, really quick, and I ended up in hospital, close to death. My family was very worried and were preparing for the worst but I somehow managed to pull through. I lost a load of weight in that time and I came out of it emaciated and my immune system was shot. The swine flu completely fucked my immune system and for years I got ill pretty much every time the wind changed direction. If someone coughed near me, it was pretty much guaranteed I would get ill, and it was actually pretty dangerous for me to be out. When I mentioned this to my therapist a while ago she said that I seemed traumatised over it, and I realised that I was.

Not long after that, I broke my hips and that was just horrible. I was in agony and since then, my body has gone downhill. I was on crutches and mostly housebound for about 7 months. I think breaking my hips kick started my disabilities, because after that, I broke my ankles 3 times in the space of a year. All in all, I spent about a year and a half on crutches. That was incredibly traumatic as well.

Because of the swine flu, I'm severely immunocompromised and I never really recovered from it. It's why this new pandemic is so scary. It reminds me of when I nearly died the last time. I'm really ill now and it's terrifying.

I've been traumatised in other ways too but people never really talk about medical trauma. It's a whole other set of symptoms. If you've been traumatised by medicine related stuff, I see you and I understand and empathise. I know this outbreak is scary and triggering. I feel what you feel. Practice self care in these times and take care of your body. If you need to turn off the news and detach yourself from what's happening, it's okay. Do what is best for you, take care of your mind as well as your body.

[obies-trauma-diary]

Me too... I was always the one picked on and used as a dare. I learned to hide my feelings for people because the few times I told someone I liked them, I got laughed at or turned down because I was ugly or joked about after... I was always the one noone wanted to love.

My first "real" boyfriend wasn't even that haha. He dated me for 3 months before lying about moving away (we went to the same school..) and breaking up with me. Turns out, I was worth 15$ for 3 month... I can't believe i fell for that...

Someone else just wanted my "v card" because I was a virgin and wanted to stay that way until I found the one. Being Aceflux, I didn't have any interest in sex anyway but I knew when I found the one I wanted him to have my virginity. When I explained that, he tried to force me. Failed but tried. I hate him for making me trust him then just wanting me for the glory of taking the ugly ones virginity. His friends said he was desperate...

I was sexually harrassed in school because I was so ugly noone would believe me if I told. And noone did. Even when they witnessed it, "oh it's attention. Enjoy it. Prude."

Halloween at my school was shit. All day they'd say "I didn't realize it was costume day! Oh wait, that's your face!! Ew!!" But I forget, kids will be kids... :(

Coming out as trans was horrible. Everyone said mean things like "you aren't any hotter being a guy." " Oh but you were suchhhhh a beautiful girl!!" (Liars) "I liked you better as a girl" " you make such an ugly dude tho. Ugh!" "Noone is gonna wanna date a tranny as ugly as you. You don't even pass!"

Even my recent ex, my ex fiance, it was so hard to trust him and to believe him when he calls me handsome or cute. It was hard to talk to him and let him get to know me. Because I was scared, maybe he knew my classmates and he was pranking me. Maybe he thinks I'm ugly. Maybe he just wants me for sex. I eventually did let him in, and I was proven right again. He only wanted me for his own pleasure ... We've broken up and I have a poly relationship now. It's alot better but I'm still struggling with trust.

This is me. 21yrs old. Autistic. Traumatized by years of bullying and romantic abuse.

Please don't be mean in the comments... My self esteem is very fragile after years of abuse and bullying.

It’s so hard to start dating as an adult. As a kid I would always get asked out as a “joke.” I was was always the one that people would say “eww” to when someone joked to their friend about liking me. I was the one that people were disgusted at. The one that people would wash their hands after touching me. The one that would get called ugly and fat. Now I have a hard time when someone is genuinely interested in me. Are they joking? Is this a dare? Are they trying to humiliate me?

[obies-trauma-diary]

I am severely immuno-compromised as well. From childhood I've always been the sick one. The moment someone sick was near me, I got sick. I've had strep throat every year for the last 10 years, I've had mono, I has asthma and have had bronchitis several times as well. I've had the flu more times my lifetime then I can count... I'm so tired of being sick...

I was born with a cataract in my left eye and I never got surgery for it. I'm not blind yet but I've already decided if I go bling in that eye, I won't get surgery. Because surgeries, especially of the eye and major organs terrify me.

As a kid, I had fever seizures. I don't remember them much but I remember my mom getting upset when I'd get sick because she thought I'd have them again.

I remember having to have x-rays and cat scans and all that terrifying stuff in the scary hospital. I had blood drawn every weekend for months... I don't even know why to this day. Noone told me what I had or why everyone was so worried...

The first time I remember having the flu. I almost died from it. I was sick for months with it. Vomiting in my sleep and I couldn't eat. I was so small.

Being transgender, I want. I need my surgeries to transition. (Everyone has a different experience, I personally need/want surgeries and hormones, but you may not and that's okay) however. I am. Terrified! It's so scary and worrisome. I am worried about things going wrong and dying or it not looking right...

I remember going to the beach and not using sunscreen, and I got sun poisoning so badly I had to go to the hospital. I had also been stung by a jellyfish at that time. I was passed out for 3 days from the pain and the poison... I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I could hardly breathe and I was so scared I would die after I needed a hospital.

Hospitals are pits of sickness and pain, death. And that's so horrible...

Having braces is the worst thing I can think of regarding my teeth. I'd rather go back in time and have crooked teeth then have to deal with braces. Being autistic, the incredibly bad sensory that happens in an orthodontist office is astounding.

Same with the dentist... I haven't been in such a long time (I take good care of my teeth anyway) but it's because they have traumatized me so much. I can't bring myself to go. They don't care about autism and sensory issues. The metal scraping my teeth makes my whole body hurt. They pulled a tooth once when I was little, and I was put under anesthesia, I hallucinated and saw them and the light over my head as monsters. I tried to cry out for help but they just kept invading my mouth. They always invaded...

This new virus terrifies me cause of my immune system. I try not to worry because u stay home alot anyway, but I can't stop fearing the virus, like a monster, invading my safe space at home and infecting me...

To this day, I am traumatized and I didn't realize it. Medical trauma is very real and valid. It's okay to be traumatized by the dentist or by the eye doctor, it's okay to get traumatized by the hospital or doctor. Surgeries, x-rays, doctors, that's all very scary and traumatic. There isn't a level of trauma that is required to be "correctly" traumatized. If you're traumatized by malpractice or because you were stuck several times by a needle for no reason, that's okay and valid!! I don't understand why more people don't talk about their medical trauma. I'll go into more detail about mine eventually.

I feel like people gloss over medical related trauma a lot??

Like I've never been directly hurt by doctors but I've been traumatized by illness.

When the swine flu outbreak happened, I caught it and I nearly died. I got really bad, really quick, and I ended up in hospital, close to death. My family was very worried and were preparing for the worst but I somehow managed to pull through. I lost a load of weight in that time and I came out of it emaciated and my immune system was shot. The swine flu completely fucked my immune system and for years I got ill pretty much every time the wind changed direction. If someone coughed near me, it was pretty much guaranteed I would get ill, and it was actually pretty dangerous for me to be out. When I mentioned this to my therapist a while ago she said that I seemed traumatised over it, and I realised that I was.

Not long after that, I broke my hips and that was just horrible. I was in agony and since then, my body has gone downhill. I was on crutches and mostly housebound for about 7 months. I think breaking my hips kick started my disabilities, because after that, I broke my ankles 3 times in the space of a year. All in all, I spent about a year and a half on crutches. That was incredibly traumatic as well.

Because of the swine flu, I'm severely immunocompromised and I never really recovered from it. It's why this new pandemic is so scary. It reminds me of when I nearly died the last time. I'm really ill now and it's terrifying.

I've been traumatised in other ways too but people never really talk about medical trauma. It's a whole other set of symptoms. If you've been traumatised by medicine related stuff, I see you and I understand and empathise. I know this outbreak is scary and triggering. I feel what you feel. Practice self care in these times and take care of your body. If you need to turn off the news and detach yourself from what's happening, it's okay. Do what is best for you, take care of your mind as well as your body.

[obies-trauma-diary]

Despite the fact I had two brothers, one 7 years my senior and the other a year younger then I, my mother only bullied me and forced me to do the work around the house.

I was forced to rake a 100ft yard for trash and metal after it had been tilled, in the scorching southern heat. My brothers stayed inside and played videogames...

I was forced to vomit and gag and almost pass out while washing nasty two week old dishes that stuck like rot, despite mom knowing how it affected me, because my brothers didn't want to and would rather go out with friends.

I was forced to not have friends. I was constantly told to stay home or that I had a curfew, while my brothers did whatever they want.

If I refused, she'd scream and hit me and break my things.

She would call me lazy, call my mental illnesses fake and say I was abusive towards her. She guilted me by saying school was nothing compared to her job and I owed her. That I needed to clean and work and cook, while she relaxed and my homework went undone.

And her false god forbid, I ask for an allowance or even a few dollars for a snack at school since I did all this work... Mom screamed and hit and took things I loved away.

Being born female to my mother meant slavery.

Being transgender was an act of war.

And when I came out, the abuse only intensified...