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[rainyfestivalsweets]

I just talked myself out of a protein bar and into afternoon supplements & 2 calcium chews.

AND TEA

It should be noted that the urge to eat was preceeded by someone sending a 5 min voice message describing all the deaths in their town recently.

So- not true hunger. Emotional eating.

Eating to deflect the pain of empathetic experience.

It was overwhelming. I almost need TW for that stuff. I have the notifications off, but I do go check snaps like 1x a day at least.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Noodles

1 pack shirataki noodles, dry fried in Pam and some light chicken broth

Kinder's buttery Steakhouse spice

Couple sprays of I can't believe it's not butter spray

Over cabbage 😋

With turkey meatballs

Just something I threw together quick. I was craving butter noodles.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

I survived last night.

I have a late evening munchies thing going on.

Sometimes even without the CBD. Ugg.

I was trying to fight past it.

I had 2 sf lollipops. And had dinner after the movie with mom and that was the last of it.

I am trying to hold myself more accountable.

And it is fucking embarrassing to tell your coach - yeah, after those 3 sweet treats of ample portion, I also had a mini quest bar.

And how do I know? Because I found the wrapper.

For fucks sakes, stop eating!

But last night was better. I just don't think I need a whole jello parfait, tub of halo top, a candy bar thing AND a quest bar.

1. I should have had 1 of those and saved the rest for another day. That shit is fucking expensive!!!!

Halotop is like $6.

The jello is at least $4.

I don't know the numbers on the other things. But that seems excessive. Idk.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

It can be so hard to learn to stop eating all the time.

But I can do it.

Reasonable portions.

Healthy foods

[rainyfestivalsweets]

You glow differently when you:

Learn how to regulate your nervous system.

Develop a secure attachment to self.

Seek your own validation.

Get in touch with self-awareness.

Listen to your emotions.

Do the work to feel good on the inside.

Learn that it's not always personal.

Take those brave steps to start to heal.

Set goals that feel aligned and achievable.

Have a sense of purpose.

Spend less time scrolling.

Do more of the things that make you feel alive.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

Yesterday's food. Also lots of water/coffee/tea unpictured. Jelly packs.

And probably 1 extra cucumber. They are the food I am craving most right now so I have been buying in bulk.

I did have some night snackies- thanks to a gummy and a beverage. Uff da.

And~~~~

A fucking mini quest bar.

I found the wrapper by my bed. Good god.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

New Low

191!!!!!!!!

The last time I weighed this I was probably a senior in high school.

Now I am a middle aged grandma to be who is stepping into the person I always thought I was: active, exuberant, and healthy!!

Getting healthier every day!!

Kudos to me for continuing to take charge of my life.

169 is right around the corner.

My body becomes lighter.

The emotional weight holding me down become lighter.

My metabolism burns off the old weight.

I am inspired by my life.

Everything is going my way.

Every day in every way, I feel lighter and more free.

I love exercising now.

Walking is easier.

Running is easier.

I FEEL LIGHT AND FREE EVEN AS I RUN UP STAIRS I USED TO STRUGGLE WITH.

Light and free! Light and free! Light and free!

[rainyfestivalsweets]

Yesterday's food.

I have to go back to work and I don't wanna.

I am trying to regulate meals when I have been over eating for 25 years. At least.

Normalize portioning. Lots of protein, lots of veggies.

Meats are mostly turkey or chicken.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

4/23/24

My health is worth everything and I choose it over anything. ✨️

[rainyfestivalsweets]

Humans have an evolved mechanism to eat whenever food is available. -Mark Leary Duke University

--Developed countries don't currently deal with the kind of food scarcity of our past. This is a reminder to check yourself-- you may not need to eat just because your body or mind is telling you to.

Be self aware. Cultivate that in yourself.

Have you eaten enough? When will food be available again?

If you haven't, go ahead. Eat. Be mindful of portions and eat for your goals.

If you have, it is ok to say no. It is ok to skip eating something that does not align with your goals. Especially if you have more nutritive or mindful options at home.

Writing this to myself as a personal note to stop over consumption. The people pleasing. The resources I am taking could be used for someone else. I don't need to eat multiple meals when others are going hungry.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

Pushing forward.... 4/22/24:

Filing under strategies to create mindfulness and self awareness:

Wearing a belt today. Not my usual thing.

But-- the idea is that it will keep you conscious of intake because it focuses your mind on you physical presence.

Not a pic of me.... but belts used to be a thing. I am bringing them back. I have always loved the look of belted outfits but my giant apple belly always stopped me.

I will let ya'll know it goes. I have my first meeting in less than an hour.

Mind over matter. Mindfulness over fuckery.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

4/21/24

Making Space

What to say. Today's quiet thought is about making space for myself in my own life.

Life was all about wife #1 & kiddo, so when that ended, I was appropriately wounded beyond belief. Sad as fuck, so lost.

Life was all about wife #2, even though I was pushing for a 50%/50% relationship. I wanted us both to hustle, cook, clean & make decisions. She wanted someone to think they were making all the decisions when in reality, she was making all the decisions and basically forcing certain choices and remaining in victimhood.

Cut to now. Yes, life is about caring for mom's end of life. But I am also trying really hard to figure out my shit- finances, health, education: A future to build on.

I do have a girlfriend. But I try to respect space and she respects mine. We are not intertwined like my other 2 relationships were.

I need to keep making space for myself in my life. It cannot be about what someone else wants. It has to be about what I want.

It is incredibly hard to learn boundaries and make space for yourself when you have spent a whole life people pleasing. It started young, I was the emotional caretaker of my parents, alcoholics.

What I learned later in life is- alcohol fucks with your emotions, not only during the time your are actually drinking. It messes with the way you perceive things and how you react. Stepping away from alcohol was a great move.

I am appropriately cautious of getting caught up in cross addiction. No sense in stopping eating like an addict if you only cross to alcohol, gambling, or other vices. No matter what, you will always be with you. Part of the process is really dealing with what you feel & how you behave.

So now- my goal is to keep working on my healthy life in my healthy body. Keep setting boundaries & working toward the life *I* want, and everyone else can get fucked.

It is weird to think that someday soon I will be in a normalish sized body.

I may soon consider myself pretty.

I may soon feel confident in myself and have joy in finding cute outfits.

There is nothing wrong with that. I deserve to find joy every day. For me. It's my life.

I need to worry only about what makes me happy. Other people are responsible for their own happiness.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

4/20/24

Tons of girls on the concert i am at, walking around Hot AF 🔥 in crop tops.

Yo! That could be me this summer!!

[rainyfestivalsweets]

TJ Maxx

So.... I went to TJ Maxx the other day.

I was looking at a ladies size L

There were crop tops!

My mind is having a hard time catching up to the idea that Ladies L is my size now??!

There were several styles of crop tops.

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

The idea that they may look good on me someday. Is maddening. Exciting. Fabulous.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

4/19/24

Things I am excited for:

A bikini!

Other swimsuits

Crop tops

Lack of cover ups

Schoolgirl plaid skirts & knee high socks

Tees in every store

Not paying $15 per pair of underwear

Thrifting

Cute vintage dresses 👗

High heels 👠

Sweatpants

Activewear

Bike shorts

Rock shows

Doing stuff alone

Doing stuff with people

Coffee shops

Book stores

Clothing stores

TJ Maxx

Biking

People looking me in the eye

No need to hyperfeminize

Old man button ups

Literally everything

I just need to push past the pain, the discomfort. It's OK to get uncomfortable. It's OK to feel however you need to feel.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

Today so far.... 9.5 hours work. 1 lecture for school.

Doing the things. Bath later?

Chores now.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

I am ready to update my header to 130 pounds lost.

LET'S GO!

I am also ready for 140

😍😍😍😍😍😍🤗🤗🤗