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[shespillsherself]

Last night I dreamt of unknown path, it was quite a safe place to hold on.

[shespillsherself]

CHAPTER:us

Why is The thought of leaving somewhere without disappearing forever remains strong. Just like to let you know that I'm still here in a mess, Squealing with a cold face without a hint.

It gives rise to the illusion that it is bearable enough but unbearable, and gives a threat of suicide not as hard as dying.

After passing through a strong love, I regret the moment that I was not honest, fallen down, feeling relieved, and I repeat regret all the time. Words spoken out differently from the heart always resonate with me when they are right. I keep holding on to the moment that I can't get back in my hands, saying

"I should have done this, but I

should have done that, and I can't take it back." On a countless number of cases. I imagine all the numbers that could have caused a different situation than now, and I imagine the person's changed expression like a thief. Why does regret follow the end of parting like a dream.

Why is it that the two are not pronounced the same and have a common synonyms!!!

Ps: I remember US

[shespillsherself]

Lightening and thundering , rainfall and darkness, and lastly me and I !!!!!

[shespillsherself]

CHAPTER: Me

For the past few days I have been daunted with a thought of holding myself strong but like a bark of a tree I am again cut open and left aside.

I know I never had home but where do I find one to cover my self from getting drained.

I have not found home in any people I have come across.

Was surviving a struggle to hope for?

[shespillsherself]

CHAPTER: Continuation

I feel so weak in fact I felt my heart heavy the whole day, I am crying again because I have an unfamiliar feeling of unconsoled heart.

I am not sure how long but i have ongoing thoughts that reprimand my heart in believing that everything will be fine, better days are ahead.

How do I get out of this puddle, I tried sleeping and engaging myself into being unbothered but as soon as dawn aspires I am scared because the haunting is rather heartbreaking than scary.

Somewhere in the loop of suicidal pause I am yearning for a small thought from anywhere, yet there is none and I still am left abandoned with my chaos and disguised mind.

[shespillsherself]

CHAPTER:ME Here I again am left in void between living and living beings, its ridiculous that I am crying because I am really sad , I am falling into a pit of darkness, I am sad almost clueless cause I can’t get my heart and mind to rest without thinking about what’s happening around, and I can’t trust anyone to throw my whole body and be at ease.

I swear I prayed and I still do but the time waiting for the miracle to take place keeps on dragging that I almost don’t feel good about anything.

Living between the living beings yet I feel left out somewhere in the long run yet I keep on forgetting to take care of myself while taking care of people around me.

I hope it’s valid to be lost again.

_she is loosing herself again in suburb

Sincerely

Exhausted

[shespillsherself]

each day trying to get out of this bubble of sadness thats around me and how hard i try to ignore the fact that everything ends someday but oh despite everything there’s still me and i fighting to survive a day.

-life

[shespillsherself]

I want to go back to anytime, like the wide arms of the most cherished and trusted being.

.

.

.

.

*I am losing myself from me

[shespillsherself]

BETWEEN ROWS IN LIFE:

How can I climb up something I loved desperately in a moment, the life that I have already lost is not shaking the wheel, but in fact, it is all close to the illusion conceived by the fear of the future that I will be left alone.

Happy women’s day to me 💌

[shespillsherself]

🩶

1 AM

The palpitation again

[shespillsherself]

It's my 6 year anniversary on Tumblr

Stumbling and standing on the loop ✨

[shespillsherself]

big little things

1. "how are you feeling?"

2. the sky—night or day. blue skies, gray skies,  sunsets, sunrise. stars. cotton candy clouds. the moon. 

3. "i miss you."

4. petting a cat, feeling the vibrations as they pur. listen to it, they're saying "i feel safe here. with you."

5. someone creating something for you—a drawing, a piece of music, a poem, a sweater. a meal. anything. 

6. that one song you listen to (over and over again) when you just need to feel understood. 

7. "you make me happy."

8. having dinner with people who can make a bad day feel even slightly better. 

9. when someone remembers you—your birthday, your fears, your heartaches. your favorite things. your dreams. 

10. "i appreciate you."

11. listening to the rain in a cozy spot—snuggled in a comfy bed, or on a couch, or in someone's arms. 

12. watching someone's face light up when you lock eyes. 

13. feeling someone you love kiss your forehead when they think you're sleeping.

14. watching someone you love sleep, taking in their peaceful expression until you fall asleep too. 

15. belly-laughing with loved ones.

16. inside jokes.

17. flowers on your birthday. flowers any day. flowers, flowers, flowers.

18. Christmas lights. 

19. feeling comfortable enough with someone to let them touch you, hug you, high-five you, hold your hand, trace your face and body with their fingers, kiss you. 

20. giving someone a gift they really wanted. observing and absorbing their glee. 

21. someone doing something kind for you without you having to ask. 

22. someone taking the time to (respectfully) teach you something new. 

23. pleasant aromas—vanilla, the perfume or cologne or deodorant your lover wears, whatever's cooking in the kitchen, and that very specific scent wafting in the air, you know, the one that reminds you of a happier time. 

24. doing something, anything during a very bad depressive episode. you brushed your teeth? fed yourself? showered? did laundry? fantastic. 

25. "i can't wait to see you."

26. being preserved in someone's spaces—your pictures are on their desk, their walls, their lockscreen, in a pendent, in photo albums. 

27. feeling comfortable enough to undress in front of someone, to present your natural self to them—no clothes, no makeup, messy hair. 

28. "i'm here for you" and they actually are. they're at your doorstep. they're texting you through it. they call, they listen.  

29. the scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when Clementine and Joel's first memory together collapses. "Meet me in Montauk…"

30. someone asking you to listen to their favorite song. please listen to it—all of it.

31. "you make me so proud."

32. Ellie and Carl's "married-life" montage in Up

33. jinx. saying something at the same time as someone else and then grinning at each other.

34. when someone watches or reads the things you recommend. bonus points if they wind up loving it. 

35. when Joel tells Ellie "i struggled for a long time with surviving. and, no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for," in The Last of Us

36. "i was just thinking about you."

37. that thing you accomplished that no one knows about. 

38. someone supporting your work—buying your painting, sharing your novel with their friends, watching your streams.

39. the cutscene in The Last of Us Part 2 where Ellie expresses her frustration toward Joel for saving her life over sacrificing her for the cure, and he firmly tells her, "i would do it all over again."

40. "you make my life better." i met you and my smile is so big it hurts my cheeks. the sun seems brighter, this chocolate chip cookie tastes sweeter. i'm looking forward to tomorrow because you'll be there. your birthday is one of the best days of my life. oh my God, oh my God, this is terrifying—oh wait, there you are. it's not so bad anymore, actually. thank you for being here—for choosing to be here—with little old me in this brief moment in time when you could share it with anyone, anywhere in this very beautiful, very daunting, very big world. 

[shespillsherself]

I tried to pause my hope for a moment but as I stood in front of you and watch your youth I became more hopeful for beautiful sunrise, pretty sunset, autumn moon, winter solace, spring flowers , summer rain……

[shespillsherself]

Conditioned and cursed

Is this Home?

-cliff and my exhaustion

[shespillsherself]

I sincerely Thank you for my existence but I honestly don’t feel at Home. 🌓

- surviving without warmth

[shespillsherself]

I love that I can embrace with all my heart, whether it's a person or a thing. When life feels boring, spending time with you is what makes me happy. You don't allow my mind to tire, therefore, I would like to capture the time with you as a moment of nothing but pleasure for the future.

Thank you accompanying me to witness the hymn of early autumn this time.

- i choose to stay present rather than escaping

[shespillsherself]

I get that every breath of life had to be saved in the blink of an eye, but what if I forget to save myself?

-because I am exhausted!!