stxrryrobin

[stxrryrobin]

TW emotional abuse, self harm, suicidal emotions

my dad constantly bullies me saying every single day “how are u gonna make it in the world if u can’t even do (blank)?!” It will literally happen when I’m just vibing or whatever. He knows I deal with depression and anxiety and am in the process of trying to get better, thus some days are harder than others. On those days I have my mum help me with some stuff. I’m also a huge germaphobe so he takes it out on me for not doing everyone’s dishes.

Well today was another day of “how are u gonna make it in the world if u can’t even do (blank)?!”

I was fed up and done with it. I told him to stop bullying me and he just sat there with no emotions while I cried and screamed after dealing with 17 years of him constantly hurting me and bullying me and him never admitting to it/him calling me the bad guy/him never feeling sorry or having emotion when I cry. I was DONE. So I went off on a tangent, telling him he can’t treat me like this anyone.

And look who decides to come down stairs! My brother who is 20 years older than me and has been homophobic to me in the past! (I also hardly even know this dude. He’s just sorta here)

I heard him telling my mum in the other room that he agrees with my dad (he’s not even his dad either. My dad actually hates my brother) and I was fuming at this point. It was 17 years of being bullied and torn down and made to seem crazy for feeling hurt all coming out at once. It was all hazy, felt like I was floating and in a dream. It didn’t even feel real. So of course I went over to my brother (cuz hey, there’s nothing to lose when I don’t even feel present! Not true) and asked if he wanted to start now.

He went on about how he agreed with my dad and how his dad said the same thing to him (mind it he hates his dad and doesn’t talk to him). So I said how he doesn’t even like his dad so now he’s applauding his parenting? He then went to say how his dad was way worse than mine is. I then stated that just because his dad was worse I’m not allowed to feel hurt by mine? And then he said I’m twisting his words and he slammed the door shut.

Mind it, this whole time I’m screaming and all they see is this crazy women. When in reality I’m just someone who has been pushed around my whole life, sick of taking it, and the people who have treated me like shit won’t listen to me.

Soooo that was my evening! I feel so out of it. I was sobbing for hours. My mum and I even started looking for a new house, despite it not even being a possibility. I was suicidal for a few hours and I’ve never felt like that before. Also not proud to say I scratched my arm up quite a lot to try to numb the pain. I just feel so lost and depressed. I know my life will get better soon. But I’m always stuck with them for family. And it sucks. I’m already nervous to leave home and now I have two people pig piling on me to say I’m not gonna make it in life. I feel like shit. I feel depressed and stuck. I feel lost and hazy. I just need a hug and someone to tell me it’s gonna be ok. I need advice on how to get through this.

[stxrryrobin]

i feel so strongly that i’m on the autism spectrum. it would explain soooo much about how i function. but i’m not able to get testing done. i’ve researched what goes into that and it’s way too much for my social anxiety to handle. and then they want to talk about my childhood?! uh no i had a traumatic childhood and never want to speak of it. i don’t know what to do because i know a diagnosis would bring me so much comfort and would allow me to officially label myself as autistic. but i literally can’t do the diagnosis process. i cant do it

[stxrryrobin]

in conclusion, my nonbinary ass would love to be a shapeshifter.

[stxrryrobin]

being nonbinary is such a journey for me. some days i wake up and want to look like a full on girl and then other days i want to karate chop my tits off. and sometimes i just want to look like ✨nothing✨

[stxrryrobin]

Happy pride month, transfems feel free to rb this and drop a paypal or cashapp or any donation link here and TME people rb to spread it

[stxrryrobin]

(tw dysphoria)

i hate shopping for new bras so much. i’m so uncomfortable and dysphoric. i cant wait to get these stupid things chopped off

[stxrryrobin]

hey if anybody is having bad dysphoria today:

you will make it. whatever your end goals are, you will achieve them. you will only get better in time. whatever negative emotions you feel right now aren’t permanent. keep your head up.

[stxrryrobin]

idk why i always beat myself up when i’m having gender dysphoria. like it’s MY fault i feel that way. i keep telling myself ‘it would be so much easier to be cis’, like i have a choice. 99% of the time i’m so proud to be trans! but then there’s that 1% of the time i try to make myself believe i’m faking it. i didn’t even start thinking about being trans until i saw other trans people, and now i’m terrified i’m just trying to be like my idols even tho i know i’m not. i feel like i’ll never stop second guessing myself or beating myself up and it sucks

[stxrryrobin]

HAPPY PRIDE! Reminder to be sure to include EVERYONE in the LGBTQIA+ community in pride, especially folks from groups that are often excluded, such as people of color or people of certain religious or economic backgrounds. We're here, we're queer, and we're stronger together!

[stxrryrobin]

i’ve never had an ah ha moment with a name. nothing ever gave me much emotion. but i just tried lux and i’m literally shaking and my heart is fluttering. i’m so happy 😭

[stxrryrobin]

now i might try Moon as a name idk 🥺

[stxrryrobin]

@ apple add the other pride flags in your emojis 😤

[stxrryrobin]

any ways to celebrate pride month on your own when you live in a really conservative town? i feel so jealous of people who live in areas that have pride parades and feel accepted in their town. i just really want to celebrate in some way 🏳️‍🌈

[stxrryrobin]

is gigi a gender neutral name? idk i’m trying it out for a bit cuz i cant stop thinking about it 🥺

[stxrryrobin]

love is real :(

no it was invented by dan and phil to sell more merch, dont fall for it

[stxrryrobin]

my sexuality is violet chachki.

[stxrryrobin]

if you’re trans, who was the first person who inspired you in the trans community? rather they helped you realize your identity or they were the first person you felt represented by or anything!

i’ll start :) mine was gottmik 🥰 i had been questioning my gender for a while before i first saw him, but he was the first person to make me realize who i was. i never saw myself in anyone, my entire life, up until that moment. it was so surreal to feel that for the first time.