#(Also hell even if you DONT call it a disability can we at least make it well enough known that people actually believe me)

[poisonedapples]

Things that being born with no sense of smell affects:

- Cleaning. Cleaning is an absolute nightmare to me, because I never actually know if a mess is cleaned up or not. My dog vomited on the kitchen floor, and even though wiping it away made it LOOK clean to me, I had no way to tell if it still smelled like vomit or not. I also had no idea what I could use to cover up a smell that may or may not be there

- Memory. Your sense of smell is one of, if not the biggest memory retrieval device. Non-anosmics remember a lot of things based on what they’re smelling. For me, it’s one less sense to be able to remember things by, and I do notice that my memory is a lot worse than average

- Taste. Yes, I can taste, never ask an anosmic if they can taste because it is the most annoying question in my experience. But, I do notice that my taste is very dulled down. Lots of food is very bland by default, so eating is very often not a fun experience, and I rely a lot more on texture. It’s very rare to find foods that give me a strong reaction. Hence why I love blue cheese, it’s one of the few things I can eat and actually feel a good kick for

- Human connection. This is one I had to research a little bit and have no idea how true it is, but apparently pheromones which helps you connect to people and sense their emotions is by smelling pheromones??? And I can’t smell pheromones. So I probably have a harder time spotting emotions because of that, but I’m also just autistic, so I have no idea how true this is

- General life safety. I can’t smell gas leaks, so I can never live alone. I can’t detect fires until I see the smoke. Cooking for me is very dangerous, and I don’t leave the kitchen when I have something in the oven because I’m terrified of missing the beep and causing the alarm to go off. I have a MASSIVE fear of my car exploding because something is up with the gas tank and I can’t notice. Also, so many safety things are stuff you have to smell out??? Especially with vehicles??? It’s such bullshit

- CONSTANT smell anxiety. Do I smell??? Is my deodorant still working??? Is that smell people are complaining about coming from me??? No way to tell, baby! You just gotta hope and pray!

For so long in my life, people’s reactions to hearing I have no sense of smell has been “Oh my God, you’re SO lucky you can’t smell farts!” (Which has thankfully dulled down after COVID when everyone lost their smell and really hated it), and it’s the most annoying thing. I am missing one of the major senses. Missing a major sense affects everything about your life, whether it’s noticeable or not. If we could start seeing anosmia as something more than “Can’t smell cookies or farts”, I would GREATLY appreciate it

[autisticlee]

sometimes I think about how when I went to college for a year before I dropped out (basically failed out,) the counselors/dean told me they can't help me at all or give any accommodations unless I have an official autism/adhd diagnosis. that might sound logical at first, but when you think about it more, it's actually quite fucked up. if someone is struggling really bad, what's the harm in helping them? why do they require a paper to get even the smallest amount of help? people who don't need help aren't going to be failing miserably without help! even NTs could benefit from some adjustments to the horrible school system! (but changing the entire system is a whole other conversation that the school system isnt ready for)

but even if you do agree to jump through their hoops, you realize it's even more fucked up that the diagnosis process requires YEARS in most cases (in my case it took 4 or 5 years, can't recall exactly now, for autism/adhd diagnosis, which would have meant i finished school before getting it if i managed to mot fail out, or i wait that long before going back, which is a whole struggle itself) and they also tried billing me for THOUSANDS of dollars because of insurance issues!!

so you put a ton of time and money into this, and then get told the only accommodation they are willing to give you for autism and adhd is "a little extra time on tests"

....

my test scores were the best part of my whole class experience. that was NOT what I struggled with!!!!! those tests were all online and could be done in the comfort of your home where you can accommodate yourself and have plenty of time left over when you finish them because you are comfy in your own space, (and also, no one was stopping you from having your notes/books/google open to find the answers,) and you don't even need a time consuming, expensive diagnosis for that!

SO WHAT'S THE POINT!!!!!!!

[avpdpossum]

Hi. After following a hyperfixation rabbit hole (thank you, ADHD and Autism) I have been wondering if I have AvPD. I've been obsessively researching it for a while now, and it would make a lot of sense for the struggles i've been facing that just aren't really explained by my other diagnoses but also aren't really *normal* per se, but I'm scared I'm wrong or just looking for something else to be "wrong" (i put wrong in quotes bc i dont think any disability/mental illness is actually something wrong, but that's how a lot of the people around me perceive it) with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid. My thoughts and hang ups are this:

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify (also me: hasn't made a follow-up appointment with either my neurologist or psychiatrist bc the idea of making the phone call "wrong" is crushing; changes the time I eat lunch so I don't have to either ask to sit with the people I know would let me sit with them bc they consider me or a friend or have them see me sitting alone even tho I literally like them and want them to be my friends; still haven't applied for my college housing accoms that I literally need bc I'm too scared i'll get turned down; feels crushing embarrassment even existing in the same space as my roommate; has a grand total of 1 friend)

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection (my best friend was too busy to eat dinner with me like we usually do bc finals season and I nearly threw up bc of how much it hurt, and I ended up in tears for almost an hour) or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be (I literally can't make phone calls unless I'm locked in my dorm without my roommate there because I feel like people will judge me for doing a normal human activity like answering my mom's phone call; can't brush my teeth in the morning bc what if people see and only do it at night when most of the dorm hall is asleep), the constant reassurance I need from people (I'm constantly asking my best friend (only friend really) if I'm annoying them/too much work/going to get left by them/actually welcome to hang out with them).

I also wonder if my self-esteem is too high since I know low self-esteem is a key part of AvPD? I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone (tho my best friend, the only person I can be around all the time and not have a meltdown, says I actually under-share and should open up more to people).

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school (people would take stuff from my bag and throw it and make me "fetch like a dog," I was really short so they'd hold stuff out of my reach) and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc, and after I moved away just before high school i didn't really bother to try making friends bc even tho i was lonely it just didn't seem like it was worth it bc they wouldn't like me anyway and I was just gonna go to college soon and they'd leave me then but none of that's really traumatizing?

I don't know. I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now? And I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed. Sorry, this was really long. If you actually read all of this, I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

i'll give you the short answer first: yes, it's absolutely possible that you could have it. i can't tell you if you do or not, but i can tell you that all of the doubts you mentioned are things i've personally struggled with while figuring my avpd out.

i'll put a much more in-depth answer addressing each of your concerns under the cut:

I'm scared I'm wrong

here's the thing: being wrong doesn't hurt anyone. people will act like researching your own potential diagnoses and coming to the wrong conclusion is the end of the world, but the reality is, there's very little actual harm that could come from a self-misdiagnosis.

with a clinical diagnosis, if the doctor is wrong, that could end with consequences like taking the wrong medication or doing therapies that do more harm than good to you. but just doing your own research and coming to your own conclusion? the worst that happens is you use the wrong word for a while and then eventually realize it doesn't fit as well as you thought it did, or you ask a doctor about it and they decide it's not a good fit and (if they're a good doctor) help guide you toward a more accurate explanation of what you're experiencing. either way, there's no harm done!

or just looking for something else to be "wrong" with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid

here's the thing: whether avpd is the answer or not, you're suffering. and if you're suffering and you want to better understand why that's happening, you're allowed to do that! your suffering is valid whether there's a name attached to it or not, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to want a name for it. it's only natural to want to understand why you feel the way you do and find people like you.

and if you're worried about a "psychology student syndrome" kind of thing – that you might just be projecting symptoms onto yourself that you don't really experience – the best thing you can do for that is to take some time to really look at yourself and your life and see if you see those things taking place. don't worry about if they're "as bad" as other people's; if you see examples of those things in your life and you're suffering because of them, that's all it takes to know you're genuinely experiencing it.

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify

it seems like you already know this on some level, but yeah, all of the things you listed after this sentence absolutely sound like some pretty significant avoidance to me. again, i can't tell you if it's avpd or not, but those do sound like the kinds of things i would count toward my own self-diagnosis if it were me.

there's no hard line of how severe your avoidance has to be, or any real way to objectively measure severity in the first place. if those things are getting in the way of you living your life and/or causing you to suffer emotionally, that means they're bad enough to be taken into consideration.

the secret is, almost no one feels like what they're experiencing is bad enough. i've had times in my life where my avoidance literally almost killed me, and i still wonder if it's "bad enough". don't let that imposter syndrome feeling stop you from better understanding your brain and getting the support you need.

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be, the constant reassurance I need from people.

this feeling was actually exactly what started me on the path that led to me realizing i had avpd. i knew that i was autistic and socially anxious, and i thought for a long time that those explained what i was experiencing, but the more i interacted with people around me who were also socially anxious autistics, the more i realized i was dealing with something none of them seemed to understand.

and all of the things you described – intense emotional dysregulation caused by rejection and embarrassment and needing constant reassurance to function in social situations – are classic avpd things. so i would say, if your gut tells you those things aren't being explained well enough by the words you already have to describe yourself, avpd is definitely worth considering.

I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

hey, you're talking to the guy who's not just avoidant but also a narcissist. avpd can absolutely coexist with being highly confident (or even overconfident) in certain parts of yourself.

it also sounds like that confidence is an exception to the rule. feeling like you're "not X enough" for other people to the point of having self-isolation spirals or suicidal ideation because of it are really common forms of low self-esteem in avpd. if you ever here an avoidant refer to having an "avpd spiral" or "shame spiral", the experience they're talking about is a lot like what you described.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone

the stereotype of avpd is a super shy and quiet person, and some of us definitely are like that (myself included), but not all avoidants are. there are some who mask their avoidance by coming off as incredibly social and talking to people a lot, and others who (like you described) talk a lot even if they don't want to because of other aspects of their neurotype.

i think those feelings of regret and shame that you feel in response to what you're saying are really the important thing here. those internal experiences are much more fundamental to what avpd is than how they present externally, so the fact that you're experiencing them means i definitely wouldn't count avpd out just because you're not as quiet as some of us are.

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc

first of all, a history of trauma isn't actually required to have avpd. it's often assumed that personality disorders are also trauma disorders because they are often associated with trauma, but there's nothing suggesting that's always the case.

there's also research that has shown some people are born predisposed to avpd. it tends to cluster in families along with social anxiety, suggesting there's some sort of heritable aspect, and some research suggests avpd might start in childhood with a person having a nervous system that's naturally hypersensitive to certain triggers.

it's also important to remember that the kinds of trauma that can lead to something like avpd aren't always things we would look at as obvious trauma. for example, one paper i found said that a possible form of trauma that could lead to avpd is having an overprotective parent – the parent projects their fears onto the child and, despite just trying to keep them safe out of genuine love and care, ends up teaching their child that the world is dangerous. we might not look at that kind of parenting and automatically see it as traumatizing, and it's hard to fault that parent for trying to keep their child safe, bu the result for the child is the same. especially if we are born with more sensitive nervous systems than the average person, things that seem totally mundane could have a significant impact on how our brains develop.

all of that to say, it is possible that the experiences you described –being bullied in school and excluded by your friends – had enough of an impact to cause the struggles you're experiencing now, even if they don't feel like trauma. it's also possible that they're unrelated, because avpd (if that is what you're experiencing) can develop even in the absence of trauma.

I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now?

you'd be surprised what therapists don't catch, especially if there's a much more common and less "scary" label (like social anxiety) that can, on the surface, explain away what you're experiencing. i've been seeing my therapist for 8 or 9 years now and she's very aware of my avoidant tendencies, including how much they get in the way of my life, but she still never brought up avpd with me. whether it’s because they just don’t hear about avpd enough to think of it, because they avoid diagnosing personality in general, because they don’t know “do with” avpd and would rather assume it’s something they do know how to handle, or because they think avpd is just another word for severe social anxiety, a lot of therapists will see all the signs of avpd in a patient but never actually bring up avpd as a possibility.

at the end of the day, you know better than anyone how much of a problem these struggles are for you. if you think this really could be the explanation, don't worry about what she did or didn't catch. therapists aren't infallible; they're human, and they can miss things.

I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed

i 100% get that fear. i actually had that happen to me with my therapist – i brought up a few theories of mine to her, she shot them all down, and i ended up stopping our sessions and eventually going to a different therapist for a while because i felt like i couldn't trust her anymore. ultimately, i went back to her (mostly because the second therapist was an incredibly condescending asshole and my parents didn’t know of any other options), but i honestly still haven't brought avpd up to her to this day because of that.

so i can't blame you at all, and it's okay if you feel like you need to work up to bringing this up with her. try doing some more research and getting more confident in your theory so you feel like you can explain it well to her, and maybe even put together a collection of the evidence you have for it – examples of how you feel like you exhibit the symptoms, things like that – so you have something to hand to her instead of having to explain it on the spot. once you've looked into it more on your own, you can reevaluate how confident you feel in the theory and decide if it's time to talk to her.

in the meantime, you could try testing the waters to see how she might respond to you bringing up a theory. there are some therapists who are super against patients doing their own research and having their own ideas about what's going on, so it’s good to know if your therapist is one of those people ahead of time instead of finding out the hard way.

i would also recommend telling her that exact fear if/when you do bring this up to her. that sentiment of "one somewhat negative interaction is all it takes for my embarrassment to be so bad that i can never talk to you again" is a really common thing with avpd, and is one of the reasons a lot of avoidants struggle with therapy. so being honest about that fear can both help her understand that she needs to be cautious in her approach if she does disagree with you and could actually make her more likely to agree.

I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

so yeah, like i said at the beginning of this, i think it's very possible that you could have avpd. i can't tell you for sure, but pretty much everything you've described here sounds very familiar to me as an avoidant person, so at the very least i think it's definitely worth looking into further and seeing if it continues to feel accurate as you learn more.

i hope this helps! and whether you end up concluding that you're avoidant or that there's something else going on, i hope you're able to find the understanding and support that you need.

[summahsunlight]

Perhaps It’s Fate, Part 20

Rating: T, to be safe

Word Count: 1.8k+

Summary: After joining the Resistance as a mechanic, you were happy to keep to yourself, until a little orange and white bb unit and his master wander into your workshop one day.

Pairings: Poe Dameron x Mechanic!Reader

Start from the beginning! 

Taglist: @ms-dont-care​, @starless-eyes-remain​, @elmoakepoke​, @marvelobsessiononastick​, @kiaralein​, @softly-sad​, @totalpoedameron, @ordinarymom1​, @sevvysaurus​, @spider-starry​, @liadamerondjarin​, @jingyuhearteu​, @dream-alittlebiggerdarling​, @paintballkid711​

It’s here! The much anticipated next part! Hope you enjoy it. I’m excited for you to be able to read it🥰 Remember if you want to be added to the taglist, just let me know!

You had managed to disable the tracker. Poe had piloted the ship, using the phony code to land in the hanger of Snoke’s ship--and Finn had been able to secure you disguises and find your way to the control room where you worked your magic.

It was when you were making your way back to the ship that everything unraveled. Your team had been discovered; Captain Phasma and her troops were waiting in the hanger--and there was absolutely no where to go. 

Poe wanted to fight--of course he did, it was in his nature--but once a blaster was pointed at you he surrendered. 

Now you found yourself on your knees in front of Phasma. 

This is how your parents must have felt, you imagined, in their final moments before they were executed by the First Order. At least you’d been able to help the Resistance, at least you had been able to disable the tracker so they could escape.  But now you knew you were going to pay the price.

“Make it painful,” General Hux snarled before leaving.

“Only the most painful for rebel scum,” Phasma assured him.

Blinking back tears you glanced at Poe; he was looking at you with such regret in his chocolate brown eyes that it made your heart break. Somehow, you managed a weak smile to let him know that it was okay--that you didn’t blame him for anything.  He had believed in you so much, how could you? And for you, this was a much better option of dying together than having to live without him. 

Poe softly smiled back at you, the pain in his eyes so evident as he mouthed the words I love you. Oh how you wish you could respond, but there was a boot on your neck, pressing your head forward as the troopers prepared all three of you--Poe, Finn, yourself--for execution. Squeezing your eyes shut, you prayed that the end would come swiftly...

.....instead there was a loud explosion, you were thrown from underneath the boot on your neck clear across the hanger, the blast knocking you unconscious for a few moments. 

When you regained your senses, the hanger was on fire. Poe was leaning over you and talking to you, but you couldn’t hear him over the ringing in your ears. He suddenly pulled you into his arms and you realized he’d been asking if you were okay.  Amazingly, you were fine, other than a few cuts and bruises. 

“Sweetheart, can you stand? We need to get out of here.”

“Yes, Poe, I’m fine. Just some scrapes.”

Despite this statement from you, Poe still pulled you to your feet, carefully.  “I saw a shuttle still in tact; if we can get to that I can get us the hell out of here.”

Clinging to his hand, you nodded. “Where’s Finn? Is he okay?” you asked, anxiously, looking around the hanger.

There was no time to even search for Finn, the stormtroopers had emerged from the smoke and were firing at you and Poe. The two of you barely had enough time to duck behind some debris to block yourself from getting hit and you realized, with desperation, that they had cut your path off to the shuttle. If you and Poe were to move now in an attempt to get to the shuttle, you’d be shot dead before you even took three steps. 

Poe desperately tried to shield you, all the while trying to just as desperately come up with a plan on how to get the hell out of this situation. And then suddenly, there was BB-8, having hot-wired an ATST--clearing a path for them. 

You were too shocked to even move a muscle, watching that little droid blast troops. It was Poe that grabbed you by the arm and shouted, “Run!”

“But...but...BeeBee!”

“Don’t worry! He does stuff like this all the time!”

There were so many questions that you needed answers too, however, there wasn’t time at the moment.  Thanks to BB-8, you were able to stumble and fall your way onto the shuttle. Somewhere along the way the little droid had picked up Finn and the pair had also made it to the shuttle.

Finn looked anxious. “Can you fly us out of here?”

Poe threw him an incredulous look. “Can I fly us out of here? Of course I can!”

“Glad to see nearly dying toned down your cockiness,” Finn snapped.

“Actually dying is going to be the only thing to do that,” you tossed out.

“If the two of you are done--I’m about to save our asses,” Poe quipped.

Flickering your eyes towards Finn the pair of you made eye contract briefly while Poe piloted the shuttle out of the burning hanger. Immediately a pair of TIE-fighters were on your tail--admittedly none of you thought it was going to be easy to escape, even if Snoke’s ship was scattered in pieces around you. 

Holding your breath, you realized that Poe was pushing the shuttle hard and fast towards the surface of the planet. He was following the escape transports but even as he made his approach, he. saw that the blast door was about to closed. “Hold on!” he shouted. “This is gonna be tight!”

BB-8 let out an anxious trill as the shuttle dove underneath the closing door, shearing off the wings of the shuttle. Your closed your eyes tightly until the shuttle came to a groaning halt. 

“See. Told ya I could fly us out of there,” Poe said, laughing slightly.

“Yeah... barely,” Finn sniped. 

“Are you off Snoke’s ship or not?”

“We’re off but I wouldn’t call that a landing!”

Poe shrugged. “I’ve had worse, right Bee?”

BB-8 bleeped an affirmative.

Slowly you opened your eyes and glared at him. The amused look on his face didn’t last long as the surviving Resistance members opened fire on the shuttle. The three of you, along with BB-8, ducked for cover, while Poe screamed, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! It’s us!”

Carefully, each one of you raised yourself up so the Resistance fighters could see it was indeed your tiny group. 

“Finn? Poe? Y/N? You’re alive!” Rose gasped.

“Yeah!” Finn yelled back. “Although Poe tried to kill us!”

“Hey!” Poe protested, glaring at him.

All you could focus on was the small group of fighters left; you’d failed after all.  The tracker had not been disabled in time for anyone to get away before they had to abandon ship and take refuge in this old Rebel base. Your one chance to prove you belonged here--and you’d blown it.

------

Poe had actually lost track of you once you had left the shuttle. He’d immediately been swept up in preparations that the First Order was going to land ground forces and attempt to flush them out  After it became obvious that they were tucking their tails, licking their wounds, and heading back to their space--that was when Poe noticed you were missing.

He found you, huddled behind one of those ancient, decaying. speeders--which between the two of you, he was happy he did not need to fly. Poe squeezed in next to you. “Hey. There you are. I’ve been looking for you for over an hour. Why are you hiding back here?”

“I failed,” you mumbled, tears slipping out of your eyes.

“What do you mean you failed? You disabled the tracker,” Poe countered.

“Not in time.”

Gently, Poe pulled you close to him. “Sweetheart, most of the fleet got away--the decision to destroy the Raddus was made so the others could flee--just incase the tracker wasn’t disabled. You’d disappeared before Leia could explain to us what happened.”

Wiping the tears from your eyes, you shook your head. “If I had disabled it faster than the Raddus would have gotten away too.”

“They didn’t want to leave us behind,” Poe said, softly.

“What?” you rasped, raising your eyes to look at him.

“Leia didn’t want to leave us behind.”

“We knew it was a suicide mission when we took it.”

Poe quietly stroked your hair; yes they had all known that the mission was probably going to end up in their deaths--it almost had--but none of them had voiced that sentiment out loud--until now. His lips brushed against your temple so softly it was like a breeze tickling your skin. “Your parents would be proud of you.”

You wished you felt as confident as he did about that but the truth was you didn’t. How would your parents feel knowing that you couldn’t control your panic attacks? That you had such severe anxiety that you often hid away from others to tinkering in your workshop? “They wouldn’t be proud of a coward.”

“Stop!” his voice was so firm, angry, that it startled you. “Stop right now,” Poe growled, low in his throat. He grabbed you by the shoulders and forced you to face him. “You are not a coward. You marched onto that ship and disabled something that none of us knew how to disable. A coward would not have done that; your anxiety, your panic attacks, they do not define you. So stop talking like this.”

“I can’t stop feeling this way! It’s not easy!” you sobbed, wanting to run away from him, but he would not let you go. “Do you think I want to feel this way? I can’t control it, Poe. Somedays, I feel like I’m drowning, that I can’t breathe!”

“So do I!”

“You?”

Poe swallowed, nervously, and nodded. “Ever since I escaped Jakku and made it back to the Resistance--I’ve felt an increasing dread, pressure--fear of failure, Y/N. When Kylo Ren tore through my mind, my memories, he saw the most vulnerable side of me and it haunts me, sweetheart, that I couldn’t protect you from his mind probes! That he saw what you meant to me, and that by him seeing this, it puts you in danger!”

Seeing the fear in his eyes, you sucked in a shuddering breath. “You don’t have to protect me, Poe.”

He wiped your tears away and then you were pressed, tightly against him. “I love you,” he whispered, “I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you. Never.”

You wrapped your arms around him and buried your face against his chest. If you could have, you have stayed in his arms like this for the rest of the day, but as life had it--someone was looking for him. Poe kissed the top of your head and whispering an, “I love you,” he stood up and left you sitting there, giving you complete control of when you wanted to leave your safe spot.

“Did you find her?” Finn’s voice carried across the room.

“Not yet; she’s damn good at hiding,” Poe replied. “Don’t worry, she’ll show up when she’s ready to come out of hiding--or BeeBee will track her down, and then coax her to come out.  She can’t say no to him.”

“Okay, but we better find her soon,” Finn said. “Someone responded to the General’s distress call for emergency evacuation transport. We’ll be leaving soon as they get here.”

[nastyburger]

. . . OH NO SPECTRA. What has Spectra done to our favourite ectoplasmic heroes across the Dannyverse? You already said that Jazzy didn't find out abt Danny B at that point. (Also, sidenote, did Mourner Jazz find out about Sam Mourner during the Ember episode?)

ah that certainly is a thought huh, thinking about what weaknesses she would poke and pick at the kids for yeah lets think about that. i suppose this is more just a general fear/insecurity analysis i guess but nonetheless!

canon danny: we know danny has issues fitting in and his personal self image (”Not a Ghost, not a boy, but a freak. You don’t fit in anywhere!”) i really wished the show leaned in on that sort of identity crisis thing but i do think/interpret this is why danny is always so set on fitting in with the a-listers despite his history with dash (literally running up to the jocks and hearing what they have to say just because he was invited to a popular party with them).

he also seems to crave interacting with other people who dont know about his ghost half like sam and tucker do (hanging out/dating valerie despite the literal danger, ditching sam and tuck for aforementioned a-lister reasons). like he’s willing to do these things while instantly pretending the bullying and hunting his ghost half stuff didnt even happened just to hang out with these people like a normal teenager. he worries about fitting in, so this is what spectra picks at.

danny b: somewhat similar to canon danny, but much more focused on themes of being accepted and understood. he spent 6 whole months in rehab on a misunderstanding and now everyone else has this wrong perception of him and he cant even correct them, its frustrating. sure sam and tucker knows hes a ghost, but do they really understand the stress his human half went through? its not like they were with him in rehab. can any other human peers EVER see what he’s going through? sure his parents love him and only want the best but if this distance is how they react him over “smoking” will he really be accepted as a ghost?

spectra would throw a lot of stabs at how no one will ever fully understand danny b’s experiences, he can never tell people the whole story and even if he does he’ll be hated for it. in their fights, if db says any quips she would even play dumb and pretends what he said didnt make any sense. she tells him his words bounce off people, what he says is meaningless, he’ll never be understood. people will always make up their own narrative for who he is instead.

mourner: oh boy dude just guilt guilt GUILT with this girl. “danny’s death was your fault, it should’ve been you to die in that portal, jazz has every right to DESPISE you” the taunts go on and on and on. pretty self explanatory where this goes from here. spectra definitely has a FIELD DAY with this one.

(and to answer your side note, sam comes clean and tells jazz about the secret herself, details about it are in mourner’s lore post)

dex: feelings of being helpless, incomplete, needing to be fixed. dex doesn’t let the fact that hes actually disabled get to him, choosing to ignore instead since his prosthetic mostly works like any other arm, but when glaringly obvious differences make themselves known he cant keep pretending. he cant stay in extreme cold or hot weather for very long or else the metal will literally hurt him or the circuits will become affected and needs regulation, he cant stay in water with his arm for too long, he needs to get maintenance done on it, he has to literally take it off and charge it every other night. hell, he even had to learn how to write with his left hand! these differences are not something he likes to think about.

its not just the disability thing either, dex loves his family, but they overbear on him a little too much. before fussing over his arm, it was fussing over his health. he was always sick or weak in some way as a child, even when most of this is alleviated from the mutation, suddenly its “make sure the ecto contamination isnt hurting him” or “i know we checked your arm last week but we would like to check it again“ it can get a bit suffocating. spectra would constantly pick at how weak and helpless dex is, how he cant do anything or fend for himself without fancy gimmicks and weapons. “Take away your arm and robot and what can you even do with whats left of you? Even a normal kid will pose a bigger threat because they would at least have 2 hands to fight me with!”

ghouly: stuff like having his confidence and self image crash down on him, something almost akin to impostor syndrome. tucker puffs himself up and has a very assured self image, but as he gains popularity as ghouly he may start to doubt himself. its easy to put yourself above the bar others have for you when its set so low, but when its higher? and rising??? people have expectations of you???? suddenly this is a little harder to deal with and reassure yourself about. feelings of inadequacy will start to pop up.

spectra would take these little rising bubbles of insecurities and blow them up to an unimaginable degree. she would call him a fraud, say hes somehow scamming people, hes not being trustworthy by keeping a secret identity and will get found out. he’s put himself on such a high pedestal and now he cant live up to it.

[thegremlincat]

Art thief and over all horrible person

yesterday was interesting

so.two days ago this guy called Dunkadev-Doomkadev writes me a message on tumblr saying something along the lines of 'Brah, your art is great, imma art trade or request you' I told him thats very kind, but I only do paid art. what followed was litterally unreadable nonsense, like...keysmashing so bad I was convinced the guy tried to directly google translate Cyrillic or something. after he spammed for 5 minutes he ended his...I guess rant(?) with the exact same message he opened the conversation with. so mildly baffled I tried to figure out what the hell was going on, because while I thought that he might be a extremely bizarre bot that would not send links, I still did not want to insult him just in case he as in fact not capable of writing in english or...something. anyway, after several attempts and warnings, which all resulted in the same pattern, I finally blocked him and called it quits

now, yesterday I mention this whole thing to a friend. she told me that sounded familliar to what another artist experienced on twitter, and it was so spot on that we started investigating. Lo and behold, that individual I ran into was NightFlightVersel. some of you might know of him, he is...oof. I will get to that. Anyway, we sleuth further and this guy has thousands of accounts, all filled to the brim with stolen art,videos, etc (he claims its reposted, never links back to the artist tho) all of dragons and similar creatures. among those pieces also some of my art. so of course I get a little spicy, but you cannot talk to the guy, because you cant understand him. This is, as some of you might thought, deliberate. he can type fine, he just uses it to annoy you and also I am pretty sure as an 'alibi' /fake mental health issues, in case he gets in legal trouble (I know he has a form of autism, apparently, that does not excuse his behavior tho) so all one can really do is block and report him, which does nothing because the guy just creates new accounts, like a disgusting roach.

That is...not all tho. a longer version of what I am to type out can be read here (older journal, but a cohesive gathering of links and his...movements over the past couple of years) Quick warning, things go south really quick, and deal with disturbing adult topics, so if you'd rather not read it, stop here.

https://www.deviantart.com/…/NightFlightVersel-Stay-Away-Fr…

soo in short, this guy is really unhinged. He is a Zoophile that gets off on pictures of dragons and creatures .while disturbing in my opinion...not something that is directly harmful, (except for my brain) as long as its just fantasy creatures, BUT. its not just that. He  said himself that he (allegedly) regularly sexually abuses his dog. Let that one sink in. I really really hope that was a sick joke. He also specifically targets young artists to rope into his weird art trade scheme (and of course never holds up to his end of the bargain) and asks them to draw porn for him. young as in...minors. he also made some really really creepy other moves on said minors. he uses his disability as a shield. he pops up every few years with the exact same behavior. he threatens to and actually leaks personal information of the people he does not like, including home addresses and phone numbers (doxxing), which makes him even more dangerous. He hacked at least one persons account to get more information before. He tries to blackmail people. He hangs around pages where there's mostly children and teenagers active...

I think you get the picture.

Now, police looked into him several times, but there is very little they can really do .I dont know why because doxxing is highly illegal as far as i know. Not sure about the dog situation, but again, maybe that was some messed up edgelord joke?

he is super slippery, but these are the accounts i could find he is currently using:

jardeemgramacho on instagram Dunkadev-Doomkadev on tumblr dunkadev (doomkadev) on behance dunkadev (doomkadev) on dailymotion dunkadev (doomkadev) on pinterest there are a lot more, but he gets banned/delets them and creates new accounts daily

we cant really do more than report and block him. so this is more of a PSA than anything really. very frustrating.

to anyone not wanting to read this entire thing: Some guy stole and posted some of my creature art.  He also apparently faps to said art, abuses his dog, and preys on minors online. He is slippery as hell and no one can do much about him other than report him.

I...I have no words. And I know this sounds made up but its sadly real. Also have to live with the knowledge that some dude gets off on my art, but I guess thats the smallest of issues here. I want this year over, please..

[modern-oedipus]

Covid Vent

No one: Nila, who goes out maybe once in a month due to covid: *listens to coffee shop sounds in youtube to get in mood*  It’s really hard to maintain social isolation now that it has been 5 months. But the cases are going up and up and up, hitting my friends and their families. I myself had to split houses with my mother because she had covid cases in her work place. I don’t think I’d isolate myself this much if I wasn’t in the risk group, but I am. Knowing that I am most likely to go to intensive care and experience the trouble breathing again like I did during the asthma treatment is not good. The potential permanent damage on lungs, for someone like me whose lungs are already more prone to sickness compared to healthy people, is also a big no, considering that I’m only in my early twenties and if everything goes well and I live a normal life I’d live around 50 more years.  50 more years with a disability or isolating myself at home? Isolation, obviously. But this pandemic doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. I am only indoors because both my internships are online & college hasn’t started yet. I know that I’ll eventually have to go out if my college doesn’t switch to online education. It doesn’t scare me at all, though, I am not like, “anxious”. I’m concerned, disturbed, alert, but not in a paranoid anxiety. If I end up catching covid, I’m at least mentally prepared to deal with it. I’m also eating healthy and exercising and don’t really have health problems except for that past-lung-treatments that more or less put me to a risk group (risky enough to concern me, even though I don’t have a chronic illness), so who knows, I might just pass it like a flu as well. No one knows. It’s not good overthinking covid, all I can do is to keep social distancing & mask & hygiene, as always. I’m just so suffocated. I’m more prone to be an extrovert. Before pandemic, I’d only use my house to sleep I’d keep being out in public, attending events, ORGANIZING events, going to coffee shops, club meetings, lots and lots of stage plays, tours, everything. I’d sneak into my friends’ dorms and change cities and just so many more “normal” fun things. I was barely starting to enjoy my life again after the depression healed. Now, I’m mentally ok, but physically trapped. The “watch netflix, read books, stay home” thing is kind of overdosing me right now. I like this shit for a week maybe, not for 5 months. I don’t know how to not risk my mental health while keeping my physical health anymore. Of course, to even HAVE a mental health I need to stay alive, so I’m not complaining- health care workers, people who go to job everyday (including my parents), etc. are in such a harder situation. I know. But my own life is also valid, and while not as troubling and concerning as lives of others right now, well, I think I’m still worth caring, at least by myself. I don’t expect any extra outside compassion or validation (we all are in same situation), me writing my thoughts here is more of me just trying to see my thoughts being worded on screen so that maybe I can come up with a solution to these things as I go. Because I’ve always been a problem-solver rather than just merely venting. (I can’t always solve problems though, I need to work on accepting this fact.) Anyway, I just thought, maybe spending more time outdoors in the natural park that is close to my house could be a good thing. But it’s crowded since it’s outdoors and I really don’t want to share any commonly used areas right now. (I used to be more than okay with this before covid, as I said, I’m mostly extroverted and I like community gatherings, but I like being healthy more), so like... Idk, maybe I can just sort of have phone calls and videochats with my friends as I sit outdoors. Except I don’t even know I have that many friends anymore. I mean, I do- I surely do have bestest of friends in my life that I’m grateful for, but like. I am somehow an introvert magnet and while I’d die for most of my best friends (both irl and online) I don’t really think they are as hype about just chatting as often as I am. (I know that this doesn’t mean they love me any less. They love me in their own way & I love them in their own way so that’s OK.) So like. Maybe Nila, have this BRILLIANT idea of making more friends. Except. Like. You’re at home so you aren’t in much of social gatherings [you aren’t in any! That is insane!] and you don’t really know how to make friends from home. I mean, yes there are online friends but like. EVEN WITH THEM. How can I just *trust* them right away? I can’t, so like. I don’t know. I’m bored af.  On the bright side, today one of my bff from school called me and said he’s back in town and that we should catch up, he’s literally one of the greatest company ever and he wants to see the doggo, so I’m positive we can just have hour 9242309204 hours long in-depth chats again without getting bored (amazing to have people like that in my life). Anyway. I guess the moral of this is:

- I need to accept “the new normal”

- I need to protect myself but try to keep my mental health as good as possible because I like myself more when my mental health is fine and I can also come up with better creations then

- I need to finish my course work (internship) so that I can relax before school starts

- I need to spend more time outdoors but in isolated areas (good luck finding them!) 

- I need to recharge

- I “want to” make more friends or just check up on existing ones! I can’t use the word “need” for this because this would degrade the freedom of the other party. Friends are appreciated, and to some extend, a necessity for social creatures like us, but no “need” will make it happen. I will just make an effort to check up on my existing friends more frequently-- I’m quite selective at this, though, I prefer generally upbringing people who are mature to a certain extend (aka, no obsession, no passive-aggression. yes to personal boundaries, yes to an overall nice attitude [we all can have problems and that’s ok and that’s normal. what /I/ personally don’t wish to be around [with my all respect] is this mindset of “life is a disaster let’s be depressed” thing. I just love love my current friend circle because even if my close friends are just around 7 people, and even if we get depressed or sad or scared, our general look to life is nicer, we don’t make disasters out of regular days, we enjoy talking and chatting, which overall increases our life quality and makes it better. We also communicate & respect & listen to each other and all. I mean. It’s not like that with everyone, and that’s ok, but as I said, this is my personal preference. I prefer having bonds that are good rather than toxic and I am doing my best to be equally good, rather than being toxic to my friends. [I’m sorry I post a lot of Banana Fish to those who don’t know Banana Fish, ok. I know ur bored but like I just cannot help it. I’m trying to tone it down but BANANA FISH.] sOOOOOOOO, SOOOO that’s why it’s not how “i have 29420343204 friends uwu” mindset, like, I noticed I need to be reasonably picky with those I’m close to so that I and people I love can overall have a nice, fun days, which is point of friendship. (I mean. As I said. I’m here on bad days too. But I don’t feel mentally healthy enough to carry the burden of someone else’s depression. It hasn’t even been two months since I’m out of therapy yet, and my mental health is, while not bad, it is fragile. I’d rather not be around those who can [mostly, unwillingly] effect me badly. SO LIKE.  - that’s one hell of a long post nila, but long story short FRIENDS or you’ll die out of boredom

- also just finish your coursework i beg you

- thanks for coming to my ted talk, I actually always offer potential solutions on my vent posts, but this time i wanted to write this publicly [i dont think anyone will read this and i dont mind it] because like. why not? it’s just me thinking and I feel as if this could be of use for some people who are reading this & isolating themselves too. anyway, i love u, stay safe. 

[underwaterattribute]

Dont care if you've not reblogged it. Character breakdown. Geralt and or Yennifer. And if you so choose, Steve Rogers from the MCU

Okay, I only gave you two, you gave me three :P

Let’s go with Yennefer

How I feel about this character

As a character, Yennefer is great- it’s unusual to get to see a female character who gets to be as blindly ambitious and ruthless as she is, not to mention that the way she is filmed is fantastic; she’s not sexualised in scenes that often would be sexualised (like the transformation scene, which is intercut with Geralt’s fight with the striga and really fucking disturbing to watch, actually), and gets to have a sexual and romantic story line as a disabled woman, which is great.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I don’t really ship Yennefer with anyone, honestly. I’ve read some good OT3 fics with her, but often in the fics I read she either is happy with herself or the pairings she’s in feel more like a ‘pair the spares’ situation, which makes it hard for me to have much of an opinion on the ship. I tend to read fics with one specific pairing, and she’s not in it, so I’m happy to read her in a side pairing with pretty much anyone. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Give me ALL the mother/daughter bonding between Yennefer and Ciri. Let her become a good mum, and grow as a person through her interactions with Ciri.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I think she’s a great character. But. I don’t like her. I’m too skeeved out by the orgy scene, honestly. And her anger at losing her ability to have children (or to have the ability to choose to have children, I suppose) is somewhat undercut with how she chose the transformation thing. It makes her ruthlessness in pursuing a cure somewhat unsympathetic, although I get that people can change and regret choices that they’ve made, and also that that’s not how it happened in the books. Like I said, great character, well written, complex and intersting, it’s just that I, personally, don’t like her, not that she’s a ‘bad’ character in any respects.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I really hope we get to see her grow and change in season 2, and that she gets to bond with Ciri. 

Steve Rogers

How I feel about this character

I love that the public perception (both in universe and otherwise) is so different to who Steve actually is. It makes for some really interesting stories. 

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Bucky. When I read fic, I almost always either go into it with an OTP or gain an OTP very quickly, and I honestly can’t remember which it was with Stucky. I’ve read and enjoyed a few OT3 fics with Steve/Bucky/Sam and Steve/Bucky/Natasha. And listened to one fantastically funny podfic read by quietnight called ‘An Exceedingly Mutually Understood and Well Coordinated Time’ which is an AU which has the tropes A/B/O, soulbonding, and telepathic bonding. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Natasha Romanova. I love the way they’re both underestimated in completely different ways, and have such different backstories and ways of looking at the world and can help each other in unique ways. All the bro bonding for those two.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I think fic authors often write him as catching up with the times way to quickly on social issues. That’s not to say that he wouldn’t find out more about things that weren’t even spoken of back in the 40s and then take the stance he does in those fics, because he absolutely would, but he is often written as already knowing a whole lot about things that he probably should take a while to catch up with, at least for the terminology- what is and is not acceptable words to use even within certain groups has changed a lot, and most fics don’t acknowledge that. Steve is not going to come out of the ice knowing not to use various words that are now (and were in the 40s, but there were no other words available to use) slurs. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Steve did not go back in time and stay with Peggy, he just didn’t. And even if he considered it, he would never just LET HYDRA KEEP ON INFILTRATING SHIELD. 

Ah hell, let’s do Geralt, too

How I feel about this character

I enjoy the Stinky Bog-Man. I like that, as one meta writer put it, contradicts the trope of the unemotional action character. That people viewing him as being that macho, unfeeling sort of person is what is messing him up so badly. It makes for lots of potential stories where he gets to heal, at least a bit.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Jaskier. I like that Jaskier brings a lightness with him, as well as. Well. All the other character either aren’t recurring or he’s bound to them by Destiny, which is something he hates and fights against. I think it’s important that, given how much he hates the idea of Destiny, the person he ends up with is someone he chooses, outside of what has been decided for him.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Parent child bonding with Ciri. Let him learn to be soft with her, and by extension with himself. Also Geralt X Therapy. 

My unpopular opinion about this character

I get that lots of people like the look of him when he’s all sweaty etc. But it’s so gross. All I can think of in those scenes is ‘ew. sticky.’ (Look, I have a thing about sweat. I hate it. My OCD compels me to wash it off as soon as I get even a little bit sweaty and I also want to wash any bits of me that have come into contact with a sweaty person. Yes, it is actual, diagnosed OCD, not hyperbole, I know it’s unhealthy, dont @ me)

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Please, please let him become less self hating, and let him be able to express and acknowledge his own emotions. Maybe also expand his vocabulary. 

[and-i-uh]

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

[dear-space-cadet]

al horford sleeper agent

—————

anyway by now ive told basically everyone i care about but i had a life changing experience over the weekend. n it sounds dumb as shit but i met a real life dude who was basically a clone of nick from franz. weird hours. guess this is a thread

before we start i want to say i havent thought about franz in weeks. theyve gone away on their own finally but really i think my old obsessions just get replaced every few years and maybe it was my hard work in therapy or my new obsession with rap or

maybe it was just a realization or me growing up and maturing or something but i dont even want to work on my favorite fanfics anymore or anything. it’s just odd. i think im changing

and i don’t think about how my former favorite band members are doing or worry about them or check their socials n it feels really good. but i know there probably is or probably will be a replacement

ok that was a tangent. if they were replaced by anything they were replaced by new friends and the NBA. so there’s the exposition of this story sorted

anyway back to the weekend. the sleeper agent invited me to lunch. and that was the catalyst. god people are being so loud in here let me go to the art library

anyway i just kind of realized "huh i guess there's more out there." i went to lunch n shit. WE went to lunch n shit. stopped caring so much about my math homework. let myself be dumb and in love

that’s a very human thing. lunch. he spilled his stupid chipotle burrito all over his stupid bright green celtics jacket

he’s from italy. never even stepped foot in a chipotle. immediately clowned himself. some world we live in

we hung out all weekend. we went to lunch like two more times and we went to dinner. there was this big threat of leaving looming over my head the whole time. i made him walk like a mile on crutches and i feel very bad about it

i don’t know what’s wrong with him. it’s somewhere between a basketball injury and a chronic disability. either way that just made me feel even more emotionally attached to him. i never saw him without the celtics jacket

it was so cold that weekend. or maybe i just didn’t bring the right jacket. if he were a gentleman he would have offered me the celtics jacket. i didnt even hug him goodbye

and then of course he went back home. theres a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time. theres nothing special about me. he doesn't want to talk. i wrote my ap psych notes in green yesterday bc i was so in love with that stupid celtics jacket

im a sixers fan. the sixers and the celtics have been rivals forever. it was about to be war, except i want to move to boston. but really i want to move to dc. i wish the whole world was philly. things would be less complicated

im in love with a celtics jacket. a celtics jacket. of all teams. and i cant even talk to my basketball friends about it because they think im dumb shit for falling for some celtics fan with a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time

im not like those girls. i don’t think im like those girls. but i definitely exactly am

i have an economics test in fifteen minutes. i think one day ill drown in the atlantic ocean.

the test wasnt that bad. i thought about writing this the entire time. i would just zone out and stare and think about the phrase ‘al horford sleeper agent’

because he has to be. why else would someone put a diehard sixers fan right in front of a diehard celtics fan who looks exactly like the guitarist of their middle school favorite band

in reality i should be calling him a celtics sleeper agent because the whole point is that al horford is a sleeper agent for the celtics. but i hate al horford so i guess it’s more funny to include him in the title

i mean how can one player change so drastically like that? al horford was benched for the first time since his rookie season, like, two weeks ago after being traded to the sixers. how does that happen? why *wouldn’t* he be playing badly so his old friends win the title?

al horford’s gotta be retiring in like, three years, tops. he’s working for the celtics, i know it. and my sleeper agent is trying to convert me to a celtics fan

i understand why people make jokes, though. it’s a very human thing to want to go home. al horford just wants to go home. he lived in boston for however many years let me look it up

god whatever it was only three years i thought it was like eleven that just ruined my point

back to the matter at hand though that’s all we’re trying to do. we all just want to feel at home. we’re all just these little things trying to connect somehow. sometimes we are more desperate than others

i think im pretty desperate right now. sometimes i sit in my bedroom and im like damn when do i get to go home? but im home

i didn’t even want to leave dc. it was all star break and there wasn’t even basketball on. so there i was, in basketball purgatory, wizards territory for some god forsaken reason, losing sleep over a celtics fan and not wanting to go home

and when i say i was losing sleep you better believe me. i was so excited to wake up in the morning that i didn’t want to fall asleep. i wanted to be awake forever, endless, running through the city

i’ll get there soon enough. it’ll be with different people. college, yknow. all that. but sometimes i feel like certain things can’t be replaced.

and im acting like a different person lately. im using my phone at red lights just so i can check for a message from the sleeper agent. it’s always one word responses

yes. ok. maybe. some shit like that. a haha every once in a while. he’s not interested and i should stop trying

and then, INEVITABLY, i send something stupid back, a photo of my hand on the wheel or something, and i get left on read

and i know im stupid for it. everyone i know is screaming at me “disco, you’re dumb shit” but i just want to believe for a minute that im loved, im special

I want to feel like someone out there cares about me that isn’t obligated to, yknow? my mom can say she loves me all she wants but it doesn’t feel as good as some italian celtics fan saying it

some hot italian celtics fan mind you

even if he wasn’t hot or italian it would be nice. and actually it would be better if he liked like, ANY other basketball team

except maybe the knicks

but whatever. main point: i know im dumb shit and should stop trying. but it feels good to feel like if i keep trying maybe i’ll be wanted

sleeper agent is just one of those people tho. he’s magnetic and everyone always wants to be around him. dumb as hell in the most charming way ever. my friends are still all making fun of me

i started crying in a pizza place the other night because even the CONCEPT of italy sent me over the edge. i need to stop before i

wait what’s the word

i need to stop before i immortalize him? no, no

i need to stop before i deify him. soon enough he’s going to be a new canonical character in my head and i’ll start making up legends and stories to myself

we barely knew each other. if i deify him i’ll start telling people he offered me the celtics jacket when it was cold out. he’ll become a perfect gentleman. and he wasnt. he was just some stupid hot italian boy in a bright green jacket

im not going to deify him. it won’t happen. but i love the color green. i always say i love yellow more but i think that’s passed. i wear a green ring on my right ring finger every day. im not going to deify him and i still hate the celtics

overall, the celtics are winning the rivalry. i don’t think the sixers have ever truly been “great,” at least outside of philly. maybe allen iverson. wilt chamberlain. dr j? theyve never had like, a dynasty. idk. i don’t think you’d be able to get a sixers jacket in italy.

it’s his birthday today. i should probably text him. i should probably stop thinking about him. that’s just dumb shit, disco youre better than this what happened to a little self confidence every now and again

sure lets say external validation isnt necessary but also i think that’s something the mindfulness crowd made up to sell more planners and tote bags in 2011. it feels good to be wanted

never waste all your time on it sure. know youre still worth it even when you have no friends and there are a million girls all over his instagram comments. but it does feel good to hear “goodness disco i like how much you like the philadelphia 76ers”

my friends are all making fun of me for being on some romeo and juliet shit because he’s literally from verona and he’s a celtics fan and im a sixers fan god damn it disco why does this always happen

i never even read romeo and juliet but i saw the dreamworks adaptation so i guess ive got the story relatively right i know they die in the end. the gnomes shatter into little pieces i think

anyway tangents aside the sixers won tonight. philly is lit up green. why the hell is philly lit up green? the eagles were done like three months ago and the flyers are orange. why is philly lit up green

oh god, he just snapped me. a zoomed in photo of himself with caption that says “76ers” with like five exclamation points

here we go again, everybody

wish me luck

[lonelyshrimp]

What happened with your roomies if you don’t mind me asking...?

 Yknow what I’m in a mood and they don’t know my tumblr (haha they think I’m a cisstraight girl lol) so let’s get into some shit. Imma put everything under a read more bc imma rant a bit and this is gonna get long.

TW: food, unsanitary (general things not being kept clean, typically bathroom and kitchen related), drug use, fighting, slurs

tl;dr if you dont feel like reading this beast:

They steal what food i dare leave out in the kitchen rather tan keep in my room

They slam doors excessively, fight, yell horrible things to each other, have friends over yelling at like 2 am (last night for example)

Leave the doors unlocked and open?? We cant even lock the front door anymore??? (Dw the doors to our rooms all have locks. If I’m in my room or out of the house, my door is locked)

Constantly throw around the r slur. Like. All the time. Including one person having called me it. Y i k e s

One person keeps smoking in the house even though i’ve asked numerous times (and even have a note on my door) asking people to please smoke outside, it gives me headaches. You are physically hurting me stop.

Don’t Clean Anything. The kitchen is a wreck. The toilets are constantly clogging, I Am In Hell.

For context: the house is a one story house divided into a main floor and finished basement. It’s a rooming house and the basement is largely seperate from upstairs. (They have a kitchen door that they keep closed and locked.) The stairs to the basement are split into two smaller flights, with a landing in between the floors. That’s where the side door is. The public spaces upstairs are the kitchen (connects to stairs), the hallway, and the two bathrooms (big main one, tiny water closet by the front door). The rest of the upstairs is split into five rooms. For comprehension sake, we’ll call my roommates: The Couple (M&F), A, T, and J.

Mmkay lets start with the least egregious and move our way up, shall we? Theft! Of anything and everything! No one can have anything out in the public areas if they actually care about it. It. Will. Get. Stolen. Now, I have a mini fridge and the second biggest room here, so I’m lucky in that 99% of my groceries, as well as all my other belongings, fit in my room. There’s just a wee problem: I don’t have a freezer. Not to fear, past naïve me thought, I’ll just clean out and use the locked freezer since I still have the keys for that fridge! (We have two fridges and food theft was a problem beforehand and so me and my friend who lived here cleaned out the second fridge to use as our own and kept it locked.) I decided to do this after I had bought myself some ice cream, wrote my name on the top, and put it in the main freezer. I go to have some ice cream later that week, I open the tub for the first time (as in I removed the seal holding the lid onto the tub) to find that someone eaten half the tub of ice cream while making it seem like it hadn’t been opened. I know it happened at home bc the spoon marks were clear as day and I have to walk 20 minutes back from the grocery store. That woulda melted by then (Also I would’ve noticed at the store that. The tub was hella lopsided??? And way too light???) So yea of course I’m ticked now, I spent 6 bucks on that bro like just ask or get ur own??? So I put it the other freezer, and for a while it’s fine. Next month I decide to treat myself to some frozen waffles and some chicken strips and come home to find that the hinges holding the locks onto the doors of the fridge were torn out of the fridge/freezer doors. Like. The screws were pried outta this metal door rendering the locks completely useless (to the point i wouldn’t even be able to put the hinges back on.) And the cherry on top?? My ice cream was gone!!! Hope u enjoyed it, asshole. So whatever. Fine. I put my food away and. a week later?? Im like “Man i could go for some waffles rn”. I bought 2 8 packs. One chocolate chip, one cinnamon (y’all i literally buy the cheapest ones Zehrs sells. 2,19$ a box y’all. not even eggos). Surprise surprise!! The entire box of choccy chip ones GONE. Mind u, i wrote my name on all of these boxes, as well as a very large “DO NOT EAT”. so i begrudgingly had a couple (note that, 2) cinnamon waffles and move on. A couple days later I go to have some more and. The waffles are completely gone. Out of a total of 16 waffles, ya boy got a solid 2. (It’s worth noting that there was a single waffle left, but at 0,27$ a waffle, I didn’t mind leaving the box on the table with a note basically reading “these are cheap af, buy ur own bitch”.) (I didn’t swear that much tho)

I’d add the bike to the list but i can’t confirm nor deny that one of my roommates stole my tires and seat off my bike (although M does work on bikes all the time so man idk.)

Next up: wow people here are l o u d. I’m talking slamming doors all the time, slamming things around, yelling, playing music wildly loud. It’s awful. Like. You can just. Close the door quietly? Stop slamming things around please? It’s awful because loud sudden noises make me panic and lemme tell ya, wakin up at eight am bc your a-hole roommate decided to slam the door eight times bc the front door is broken because someone took the border around the jamb off instead of fixing it so we can actually?? lock that door?? because it doesnt quite fit in the jamb and so the only wat to lock it was the chain lock and. someone took that too so thats fun :)))))). The side door isn’t that much better. We have a code lock and. No One Ever Locks It. Like. I’ll come outta room and?? It’s just open????? Close the door???????????

The worst, however, is the fucking fighting. The Couple love to argue all the time. and yell at each other and slam the doors or smashing shit and they yell pretty awful things to each other. Like. I’ve heard M call his gf some awful shit. It’s worse when they have people over too. The other day there were like. 14 cops in here bc of them at like 2 am. Cue me, 2 am, trying to watch a livestream and seeing like??? Six cop cars pull up????? Wh a t????? Not fun not good for my brain.

God and. What is with everyone and the r slur??? Like what?? there are so many words you can choose stop using that word. Like okay the other night someone?? took the dc adapter for the wireless modem and one of the dudes downstairs as well as the couple were looking to see if they had a compatible dc adapter and so i just decided to wait?? and i just spaced out a bit okay whatever i was lookin at the wall like i do and fuckin. the couple had a couple friends over and one of em was chillin between the kitchen and the hall and M yells out from his room “Hey don’t you feel weird with this creepy ass bitch standing next to you? Like what is she, m*ntally r*tarded?” like wow okay dude i’m literally not doing anything. Luckily his friends reaction was basically “?? She lives here?? She can stand there if she wants??” (wow referring to myself as she feels weird and wrong).

A big problem I have is I feel like theres a community in this house that I just don’t fit into? Part of it is I’m like. the only person here who doesn’t do drugs of any kind?? Like I have nothing against ppl who use drugs like whatever bro, but it feels super othering to me when i can’t relate to anyone here because of it. That and. Getting T in particular but really just anyone but A to respect me asking that if you’re going to smoke anything to do it outside because weed and to a lesser extent cigarette smoke trigger my sensory disorder and causes me pain and causes sensory overload and I still find myself asking people to smoke outside.Like I’ve never been unreasonable and said “no drugs in the house” or some bs. I’m just asking u to respect my disability thanks.And like?? I’ll get into this in a second but there were needles in the toilet?? Bro throw them out properly.

And now: Hell.

Can no one clean up after themselves?? Do your dishes. If theres food left on your plate, throw it out first, don’t dump it in the sink. Seriously the kitchen sink is fucked. The kitchen is gross. The microwave ugh ugh ugh no thanks. No one can clean everything. This is why all my cookware and dishes are in my room. That way I can make sure I 1) Still Own It and 2) Its clean and usable. I clean them as I go and just use my own shit.

Nothing compares to the bathrooms, though. It seems like every other day one of the toilets are clogged. Last week there were spoons in the sink?? Like at least 10 spoons. In the bathroom sink. The floor is dirty because no one owns a mop and?? there was one in the kitchen?? I haven’t seen it in like a month. And the worst of all. Okay, it’s really bad when every one up here is between like. 16 and 19 I think? And I had to put up a sign in the bathroom asking people to flush when you’re done??? And I still have to flush before I can use the washroom???? And it feels like every week or so. The toilet’s clogged. Oh! I forgot to mention that the water closet doesn’t even have a doorknob anymore. Someone took it. But wait, it gets worse. Seriously if extremely unsanitary things bother u, stop reading now.

Twice in the past month I’ve had to contact the landlord because the toilets were beyond clogged. The first time was bad but oh lord nothing compares to the second time (aka last week). The first time was your pretty standard toilet clogs and backs up and its very gross. I contacted the landlord and it was fixed the next day and it was fine. For. Two Days. Im serious. See. People here have a real issue it seems of “The person before me didn’t flush so neither will I”, leading to a toilet bowl full of like. a half a roll of toilet paper and waste. F u n. What that led to was the toilet clogging, people not doing anything about it, and continuing to use it. Eventually the toilet bowl was full, so trow a shopping bag over the lid to mark the toilet as “Out of order” and move on to the other one.Both toilets were completely unusable. I emailed the landlord and i don’t know if either they or one of the people living here contacted them, but the old landlord and old property manager were here the other day to clean them out and fix them?? and yea among all the standard waste you’d expect in a toilet, there were needles? Like buddy theres a trash can right there? I know u had the needle caps bc they were in there too. just... disgusting...

bro this is just what i can think of off the top of my head i know theres more but oh no this is so long now. just. this is a lot more detail than u wanted but i wanted to get this out of my brain??

[rahab-of-the-sea]

2020-20 facts tag

Tagged by: @swxxt-peach​ Tagging: @the-ancients-son​ @thenocturnalcourt​  and anyone who wants to do this ?

20 random FACTS about yourself that may surprise people. Here are mine:

1. Do you make your bed? Yes and no. Depends on shift work really. But I make an attempt at least.

2. What’s your favorite number? 12 or 7 or 6

3. What’s your job? Support worker in disability.

4. If you could, would you go back to school? I have enough nightmares as it is about that hell hole. So I think not.

5. Can you parallel park? HA! are you kidding me? Its rare we have those kinda parks where I live but I have done it before and I’m not too bad but not the best either.

6. A job you had which would surprise people? I worked as a waitress once at a place that was called two fat cheeks. I think the owner wanted it to be like a corny rip off of some french place or something, but he kept changing the name. Now its just like..ugh cringe on my resume.

7. Do you think aliens are real? Actually yes. I’m a big nut about the whole Anunnaki stuff. Like there is a fair bit of proof and then you have to think how on earth did humans come to be? If we exist then there must be life outside of our little planet.

8. Can you drive a manual car? hell no! don’t even go there.

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? writing fanfics

10. Tattoos? I only have one.

11. Favorite color? Pastels!! lots and lots of Pastel!

12. Things people do that drive you crazy? Gaslighting, drama, people that cant let go of the past, People that stalk or harass me or others. Idiots on the road, when someone says ‘No offense but”

13. Any Phobias? hmmm I dont think I have one really. I mean I do kind of hate dolls but I wouldn’t say its a phobia seeing as I love collecting old antique dolls.

14. Favorite childhood sport? Urm....well I never really played played sport but I did one time play in an all girls football touch. We tried to get it put through so there could be a girls team but our school was misogynistic so...it never happened. despite that all the ‘mean girls’ got into sports and I was the idiot they all hated so...no, not really.

15. Do you talk to yourself? Sometimes when I’m contemplating things or when I’m angry but not like as if I’m talking to someone else. Its more like personal criticism at times.

16. What movie do you adore? Star wars, ALL the star wars movies. and no I will not argue over which trilogy was better. They are all good for each age they were made in.

17. Do you like doing puzzles? ugh I used to like doing dinosaur jigsaw puzzles but I really dont have the room for that anymore ...nope.

18. Favorite kind of music? hehehe! RAMMSTEIN!!! I’m really into a lot of stuff from epic/orchestral stuff to heavy metal. I dont listen to much hip hop or rap music but sometimes depending on who is singing.

19. Tea or coffee? Both! Both is good! I love honey and green tea but I also like Coffee. Coffee that is as dark as my soul!!!

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? I had a lot of things I wanted to be when I was growing up. Everyone wanted to be a nures, vet, or fire fighter. Me....Well I just kind of day dreamed. I think when I was 13 was when I started writting and I wanted to become an author but I doubt that would ever happen.

[blindedbythedarkness]

I could write this to Josh, but what would be the point? I'd just be bringing him more misery.

The university, our university, have been shit since the day he died. Or at least that's when they really started making my life hard; I dont know if Josh ever experienced the same.

My personal tutor never replied to my email. The email I marked as urgent and sent to him while we were in the hospital, before Josh even passed. He never acknowledged that one of my closest friends had committed suicide, aged just 20, at the place we both worked. My personal tutor, who is aware I have such severe depression it is registered as a disability, did not tell me how I could apply for mitigation on my exam 5 days later and did not provide information on any support available. I also emailed the senior tutor, his boss, to complain. She didn't reply either.

I even gave him a second chance to acknowledge everything and rectify the situation. When I emailed him to explain that I couldn't pick up my results because I was at a funeral, I added that I hoped he had received my earlier emails regarding the death of my friend. Although this time he did reply, he again made no effort to acknowledge my situation. Hell, it would've taken two minutes to type out a generic "I'm sorry for your loss. Here's the mitigating circumstances form and here is where you can get support." Instead he chose to ignore me and make my life even more difficult.

Since this, I've asked to change tutor. I don't know how I could maintain a relationship with a tutor who neglects his most basic duties. I could have just left it at that. But I can't. I may feel dead inside and drained from the second I wake up, but I feel so much anger towards this man I can't leave it at that. My rage is the only energy I have right now. I suppose I feel like if I can't find any justice in what happened to Josh I can at least push for a little justice with this. Afterall, if I hadn't had such support from friends and had gone on to have a similar fate to Josh (a real possibility given my track record) he would be partly to blame. There's no question about it.

So now I'm working on a formal complaint. I don't want any big gestures, I just want him to regret what he's done and say sorry. Something tells me though it's going to be like getting blood from a stone. I hate that I'm having to send formal email after formal email and may even have to start taking phone calls about this. I'm not going to let it lie though. This was dangerous and neglectful and cruel. So much for our university caring about our mental health.

[until-theend-oftheline]

Kari’s Marvelous 2k Writing Challenge

Thank you so much, guys. I honestly didn’t expect this blog to grow the way it has when I started it. I love this fandom and I love reading for these characters as much as I love writing for them, so let’s celebrate with a challenge, shall we?

Since I reached the milestone before my 1 year anniversary I will as open up drabble requests using a prompts list - I’ll make a post about that as soon as I can.

Also, check out and please participate in my Spread the Love event for my 1 year anniversary.

This challenge is for you guys to have fun with. I set the due date a few months in the future to make sure you got plenty of time to complete it.

The prompts for this challenge are all dialogue prompts. They are all a little odd and a little sassy. Cause well I am a little odd and sassy ;) On to the rules and have fun Y'all!

Due Date: June 1st, 2019

Word min: 500 words

Word Max: 6k words

Style: It can be a drabble, one shot or beginning of a series. Do not put in in the middle of an ongoing series since I plan on reading them and don’t want to read 10 parts of something to understand the entry.

Fandom: MCU - mostly

Will you read and reblog my fic?

You betcha :D I am behind on reading for previous challenges so patience is a virtue here

When Do I Post?

Right now. Sign Ups start now and end when there are no more prompts or when the due date rolls around

Genre: Anything you want. You have to be over 18 if you write smut and you always have to warn accordingly! Fluff, angst, AUs, and crack are all welcome.

Limits on what you can write: No Mommy/daddy kinks, no non/dub con, no A/B/O, no merpeople. No half animal anything, please. No mobster aus. No monster porn (this counts Venom and Hulk) No glorification on cheating (it’s okay as a plot device but use it with thought), no wife, s/o (even exes) or actor hate in rpfs! - if you got any questions at any time feel free to send me an ask,

NO BDSM INVOLVING BUCKY - NEITHER IN SHIPS OR READER INSERTS! PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL OF HIS PTSD! DON’T TURN HIS ARM INTO A KINK FOR ANYONE - IT’S A DISABILITY AND CONNECTED TO GREAT TRAUMA. 

Format: State in your A/N that it is for my (until-theend-oftheline) Kari’s Marvelous 2K Challenge. And use the # Kari’s Marvelous 2K Challenge in the first 5 tags.

Pairing and word count also have to be easy to spot in your header!

Submit: After you posted on Tumblr you have to add yourself and your fic to this doc.  If you don’t do this you will not be added to the masterlist I create when the challenge is over. If you got questions - just ask :D

Doc link it case Tumblr is an ass: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16FmPbXuA6oF23M5qiR5jRCSiUpaW_RiDIPUHG_LziBk/edit?usp=sharing

How do I join?

You pick a prompt and a pairing off the list. Send me the prompt number along with a backup just in case and your pairing of choice. ASKS ONLY!! REPLIES, REBLOGS AND IMS WILL BE IGNORED!

There are no limits on the pairings but I only allow 2 people per prompt so think before you sign up. If you don’t think you will be doing it then don’t take the spot from someone else. For now, 1 person can sign up 3 times (one prompt per story). 

Prompts and people are under the cut.

Pairings

No male readers - gender neutral are fine otherwise female.

General Fics - character or rpf are both fine.

All genders, skin tones etc. OCs are welcome as well.

Sister/daughter/romantic/friendship reader pairings for following are all fine - just let me know which (I prefer romantic or friendship but no pressure):

Actors

Sebastian Stan

Chris Evans

Bradley Cooper

Chris Hemsworth

Robert Downey Jr.

Tom Hiddleston

Elizabeth Olsen

Tom Hardy

Characters

Bucky Barnes

Steve Rogers

Thor Odinson

Tony Stark

Wanda Maximoff

Sam Wilson

Brunnhilde/Valkyrie

Natasha Romanoff

Clint Barton*

Wade Wilson

Eddie Brock (no monster porn please!)*

Ships (all are allowed as poly with reader too):

Stucky*

Winterwitch*

Winterwidow

Winterhawk*

Winterfalcon*

Sam x Clint (I don’t know their ship name)

Clintasha

Steggy

Thundershield

Thor x Valkyrie (also forgot the ship name)

Prompts

1 “I’ve never been so insulted!” - “You don’t listen much do you?” @jewelswrites-ish (Chris Evans x Reader) / @avengerscompound (Winterhawk)

2 “On a scale of one to Australia. How dangerous are we talking?” @avengerscompound (clintasha) /

3 “When did you become so smart, oh wise one?” - “Since I stopped listening to you.” @writing-mermaid (Tony x sister!reader) /

4 “Seven billion people in the world and you are overreacting because we killed one man.” - “But…” - “Seven billion people! Now shut up and drink your smoothie!” @queen-of-the-avengers (Tony x Reader) /

5 “Oh God. I think I am in love” - “For your sake, I wouldn’t tell her/him that” @docharleythegeekqueen (Winterhawk x Reader) /

6 “Don’t trust him” - “Funny that’s exactly what he said about you” @readitandweepfics (Steve x Reader) /

7 “Children shouldn’t play with guns” - “Who said I was playing”

8 “On a scale of one to ten how bad do you think it would be if….” - “At least twenty” @fangirlfiction (Stucky x Reader) / @queen-of-the-avengers (Tony x Reader)

9 “What’s our exit strategy?” - “Our what?” - “Ohmygod we’re going to die” @acreativelydifferentlove (Steve Rogers x Reader) /

10 “I taught you how to pick locks and this is how you are using that skill?” @messy-random-bitch (Clint Barton) /

11 “What’s the little blinking light mean?” - “It means…. Wait? Blinking?!”

12 “Right now I don’t know if I want to kiss you or push you off the cliff!” - “Can I pick?”  @sweeetmonstrosity  (Sam Wilson x Reader) / @averyrogers83  (winterfalcon x reader)

13 “This is what the third time I crashed my own funeral” - “Fifth” - “Really? That many?”

14 “Bring them home. All of them.” - “But…” - “All. Of. Them.” - “Fine!”

15 “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you!” - “And I am subtly trying to avoid it.”

16 “What’s with the face?” - “Small fire! I said to set a small fire. Small was important!” @queen-of-the-avengers (Natascha Romanoff x Reader) /

17 “What the hell kinda noise was that?” - “I sneezed.” - “That was NOT a sneeze!” @jewels2876 (Chris Evans x Reader) /

18 “You got blood on your knees. No one goes nowhere and gets blood on their knees.”

19 “Is that blood?” - “No?” - “That’s not a question you’re supposed to answer with another question!” @nekoannie-chan (Steve Rogers x Reader) / @becs-bunker (Stucky x Reader)

20 “Obviously I’ve been gone for way too long. You managed to kill all the houseplants” @awkwardfangirl2014 (Bucky Barnes x Reader) / @queen-of-the-avengers (Tom Hiddleston x Reader)

21 “Don’t you know who I am?” - “Yup. I just don’t care.” @queen-of-the-avengers (Elizabeth Olsen x Reader) /

22 “You’re going to break his heart if you pull a stunt like this” - “He has a heart?”  @keepgrindingwaywardsoul (Bucky Barnes x Reader) /  @yougetkilled-walkitoff (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

23 “Sorry I got a cold and feverish assassin on my lap. I’ll call you back when I convinced him a cold doesn’t mean he is dying.” @keepgrindingwaywardsoul (Bucky Barnes x Reader) /  @acreativelydifferentlove (Steve Rogers x Reader) 

24 “I hate you” - “Why? I’m lovely” @barnesrogersvstheworld (Bucky Barnes x Reader) / @queen-of-the-avengers (Natascha Romanoff x Reader)

25 “You’re one insult away from starting a war” - “That’s presumptuous of you. It already started”

26 “What are you doing in the chandelier?” - “You know. Just hanging out”

27 “Can we please try not to kill anyone today?” - “Well you are no fun”  @kentuckybarnes (Bucky Barnes x Reader) /

28 “You missed!” - “I never m… FUCK!”

29 “You nearly took my head off!” - “I told you to dug didn’t I?!” @raqnorok (Bucky Barnes x Reader) / 

30 “If you weren’t so goddamn annoying I would kiss you right now” - “Well if you weren’t such a pain in the ass…. Wait what?”  @tranquil—heart (Steve Rogers x Reader) / @awkwardfangirl2014  (Chris Evans x Reader)

MCU WRITING CHALLENGES 

@ifyougetkilled-walk-it-off @captain-rogers-beard @dolphinpink310 @grace-for-sale @docharleythegeekqueen @rebelslicious @thorne93 @hillywooddestiel @peterman-parker @queen-of-deans-booty @acreativelydifferentlove @emilyevanston @blacktithe7 @becs-bunker @roxyspearing @blacktithe7 @cassiefanfic @readitandweepfics @kayla-of-shield @fangirlextraordinaire @thatfanficstuff @danijimenezv @hopes-archer @marvel_madam08 @averyrogers83 @thelookingglassalice @slowlywithfreedom @awkwardfangirl2014

And a few others cause I love their writing

@jewels2876 @becs-bunker @roxyspearing @barnesrogersvstheworld @sebs-potato @moonbeambucky @tropicalcap @softlybarnes @bucky-at-bedtime @evanstarff @fangirlfiction @i-dont-do-rpfs @avengerscompound 

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[juliabenerdy]

Yes, Because PMS wasn’t Hard enough!!

So every woman feels their She-Hulk burst out of themselves during the week of their monthly visit. 

For some women it’s like having a demon rise from the depths of hell though. I wanted to bring this up because not many woman or really anyone is educated about PMDD--Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is a severe form of PMS that includes physical and behavioral symptoms that usually resolve with the onset of menstruation. PMDD being a cyclic hormone based mood disorder is commonly considered a severe and disabling form of PMS. Many women of course, 85% experience the normal PMS. Only around 5% of women will be diagnosed with PMDD according to the American Journal of Psychiatry. 

Hi folks. Yeah didn’t mean to get medical journal on you or anything but that is the basic definition of PMDD and I am someone that is part of the 5% of the (un)lucky women that go through this hellphase every month. Yes, every month the body drags me into a phase of hormonal hell. 

I discovered the disorder when I was researching my symptoms and noticed that I was always getting worse with my depression and migraines during my period. My husband would also say I would have horrible mood swings and strikes of anger and irritability. Haha...he would say this very carefully of course. When I talked to my doctor and at the time I was seeing a neurologist for my migraines they both said I have PMDD. It normally starts for woman around their thirties. I was lucky to get it around my upper twenties which is common as well. 

PMDD can cause extreme mood shifts that can disrupt work and damage relationships. Here are the symptoms common to PMDD: 

Mood Swings

Depression or feelings of hopelessness

Intense anger and conflict with other people

Tension, anxiety, and irritability

Difficulty Concentrating

Fatigue

Change in appetite

Feeling out of control

Sleep problems

Cramps and Bloating

Breast Tenderness

Headaches

Joints and muscle pain

Hot flashes

Already being diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and having PTSD makes having a hormonal disorder even more of a nightmare. My depression and anxiety goes up to 2.0 level. My mood swings are out of this world where I feel like sometimes I am super happy one moment and then really upset the next. I am an extroverted person and I am normally happy, but when this time comes around I do feel intense anger and I have conflicts with people when I am normally pretty easy going. Imagine having all these issues 7 to 10 days before your menses and only when you start you feel a little better. Not me though...I live with mental illness everyday so what to I get to do? Only when I start my menses I get to go from Julia She Hulk 2.0 so regular Julia Mental Case 1.0.

I hate feeling like I am only normal maybe one week of the entire month. Lets look at April so far shall we?

I start the 11th. That means I actually start the PMDD symptoms Monday the 1st of April. Anger, irritability, tension, and fatigue all kick in to the fullest extent around that time. Even to the point where I try to be superwoman for a co-worker on Friday the 5th and get in a bit of an argument with a different co-worker because of it. I couldn’t help it, my righteous self justice had to be heard! 😁Bloating and cramping, of course and they start their a little later than the mood. In this case it was starting the weekend and all the way through the end of the menses. End date would be 15th where there is some relief. However, I feel aches, pains and fatigue. Could be from my normal Julia 1.0 depression or remnants of 2.0. At least my mood is better and I get happier and in a better mood.

So out of the entire month I get two weeks that I am my kind of normal. At least not the Julia Hulk version of me. This whole thing was really depressing me this month and the only way to really make me feel better was to write and share about it. I thought maybe if I shed some light about the disorder someone else could be like “hey that sounds like something I go through too!” and they can speak to a doctor like I have. I don’t know. I feel like writing and researching things gives me some sort of power and control over what I am experiencing and feeling. I often feel out of control of my emotions which is due not only due my depression and anxiety for certain but also probably to my ENFP (Meyers-Briggs) personality. 

This month instead of wallowing in self loathing and hate I decided to see what I can start doing to make myself feel better, not just over all with my life-style, but during those two weeks of hellphase. Since doctors really don’t know what causes PMDD there is not really a cure or anything. Researchers mostly believe that it may be an abnormal reaction to hormonal changes related to the menstrual cycle. Hooray....*dripping with sarcasm*

I had to go looking for things to assist me from now on. No more hellphase...I am looking for more like...sucky time. I know it wont be sunshine and rainbows all the time because that is not realistic but I need to look for some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Some treatments for PMDD:

Antidepressents (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors to be exact--I actually take Cymbalta and it also helps with pain so my doc said it is good for migraines)

Hormone Therapy (birth control pills---already on these)

Changes in diet---so this is one I am actually working on actively no just for this but to loose weight and to over all change my life. 

Regular excercise--again this is something that I am slowly adding to my routine...slowly because I got severely overweight due to my mental health

Stress Management--- journaling, meditating, talking to others, or engaging in a hobby are all things suggested for this if not more...I actually consider my new found blogging a part of my stress management. I am hoping to do it more. I also want to do yoga and meditate. I see a counselor too and I love those sessions. 

Vitamin Supplements---so it is said that 1200 milligrams of calcium, vitamin B-6, magnesium and something called L-trytophan can help but I am not really sure why

Some Over the Counter Meds- Of course there is the ibprofren and aspirin for the headaches, backaches, and cramping, but I am throwing this out there because nothing I read so far as mentioned it. Midols Severe formula is a life saver. I recommend it even if you dont have PMDD. It is literally my happy pill. It cures my fatigue, my bloating gone, cramping eased for awhile, and I even feel like my mood enhances a little. Miracle!!! So I swear by it! Hahaha

Anyway, this month is over and I am back to Julia 1.0 or maybe this is Julia 2.0 and the icky feeling one is Julia 1.0? I dont know, but what I am trying to say is i have a plan for next month and I am going to have a part two with how it goes with my little treatment plan! In case anyone is reading out there! Wish me luck!