#(what i do when i have panic attacks i listen to music and make stories in my head)

[strawberryspotsstuff]

im really sorry if I seem like an ass but.. I sorta had a panic attack recently and I was wondering if I could have some comfort?

just some cuddles will do.. I'm.. sorry.

DSLKJSDKLDJSALJKSDALJK WHAT1!!!!

NONONONONO u are no ass!!! >:[[[[[ *HUGS YOU TIGHTLY*

LET ME GIVE YOU CUDDLE FICS!!!!

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Charlie x Reader

Charlie and you jumped around the kitchen, swaying your hips to the upbeat music, cookie batter splattered and smudged on your aprons and under your nails.

Charlie sung loud and proud as he pushed the last batch of cookies in the the oven, you sung with him.

"Wowie! Look at us go!" Charlie grinned, you laughed.

"We are quiet the pair!" You responded cheerfully.

"And we made so much!" You giggled, noticing the the stacks of cookies that were already cooling on the kitchen bench.

Charlie laughed, shrugging. "Oops!"

"We should chow down on the cookies while we watch cheesy romcoms" Charlie spoke up, tapping his finger on his chin, you gasped, nodding.

"Good idea! Oh, I love that idea"

"I know!"

Cuddling up on the couch, the warm afternoon glow warmed your feet as you and Charlie pressed shoulders while watching the cheesy rom com, chowing down on the freshly made cookies that were in a large wooden bowel.

"Jeeze! Kiss already!" You groaned at the tv, Charlie laughing.

"shhh I like the suspense!" Charlie giggled, pressing his knees to his chest, watching like a child in a candy store.

You roll your eyes, resting your head on his side as you both indulged in the movie.

By the end of the movie, both of your bodies were tangled together, blanket tossed across the floor as you both snuggled up together cookie falling from your mouth.

[ghostsferalgremlin]

SIMON "GHOST" RILEY HEADCANONS

I had these headcanons in mind for a while now and i have no one to talk about cod so here we are.

................

• I picture him having pretty wild hair, not because he doesn't cut them or anything, but because he cuts them himself.

Not trusting anyone can lead you to ask people not to touch you, Simon defenitely doesn't want people touching him behind his back, where he can't see them, so he prefers to cut his own hair.

• If he is in a relationshin he would definitely seat on the wc while you take a bath.

He would follow you like a little golden retriever and sit there, he doens't mean any harm by it, he doesn't even think about you in an horny way or anything else, he just wants company and loves to hear you speaking while you take care of yourself, so he just sit and casually answer here and there when you ask him something.

● I don't think Simon perceive Ghost as something totally diffrent from Simon.

Having trauma makes you unable to "work correctly" in a kind of way, and Simon can't have himself have a panic attack or anything else in the field. I think Ghost is simply the more collect and calm part of himself and he knows it, Ghost is simply the part he uses when heneed stability and what Ghost rappresent is literally someone who has everything under control, always.

● He drinks, but not that much.

As i said before, he doesn't trust people, and being drunk means that you have to depends on other people to take care of you. He trusts the 141 tf, but he refuses to being in any kind of way in someone's hands, he has to be in control, always, so he has a specific number of drinks he can drink we does, after that is a big no.

● His music taste? Immaculate.

Let's be real here: he is traumatize and he goes by Ghost. Man definitely listen to metal and every single subgenre of it, he loves it and it's the only way he is sure he can still feel emotions outside of anger and fear.

• Not really a man whos love language is physical touch.

He touches you, he does, but his love language is quality time. He loves spending time with his loved one, speaking, cooking, listening to some music or just watching a movie, he love having someone, who he is in love with, around and listening to their voice.

• We are edgy here and we don't wear colors.

Man's whole wardrobe is black, camo, black. He has some things here and there cause people keeps buying it for his bdays, especialky Johnny, but he never wears them. He just look at them and goes: nope.

• Sweet tooth.

God this man LOVES sweet things, chocolate, candies, drinks, he wants them all. Once he found Gaz's secret storage and literally wiped it all, the poor man is still crying about it.

• He doesn't wear his mask to cover his scars.

As i said, he perceive Ghost as the obly part of him that can remains calm enough to do his job. The mask is something that helps him with this, once the mask is on he is not just Simon anymore, he is Ghost and he has everything under control. The scar story? Is just because he doesn't want to explain the truth to anyone.

• He has nighmares and pretty much refuses to sleep until he just pass out.

He is tired, he really is, but he forces himself to stay awake to avoid waking up amd feeling like he is just a step away from death, breathing is impossible to him when he wakes up like that and it leaves him feeling vulnerable for hours. He just prefers to let his body take control when taying awake is too much, this means he wont wake up, mostly.

................

[drabblesandimagines]

Dove (part three)

Leon Kennedy x female reader Part one. Part two. Warnings: Things get a bit gory in a flashback, description of panic attack.

“Anything will be great. We’ll take it slow. You ready?”

You’re not, but you doubt you ever will be.

“Ready.”

Leon taps twice on the laptop’s trackpad and it emits a beep, signaling the recording has begun, before he leans back, places his hands on his thighs and smiles. He has a nice smile, it’s reaching his eyes and you try and focus on that and not the sick feeling that’s growing in your stomach. “So, let’s go from the top. Yesterday morning…” You feel yourself inhale sharply. “..alarm goes off, or are you a natural riser?”

You weren’t expecting that to be the first question.

“I… I have an alarm.”

“What time did it go off?”

“I set it for 0630. And I got out of bed right away, otherwise I linger and then I’m late.” If only you knew what was to come you would’ve stayed in bed all day - covers pulled up and over your head.

“Then what did you do?”

“I had a shower, then I got dressed – in what you saw me in.” You hesitate - does he need that much detail, or was that too obvious and waste his time? You wait another beat, in case he wants to say anything, dismiss it from the record, but Leon just sits there there, hands resting on his thighs, looking at you, encouragingly, to continue. You press your nails into the palm of your hand, trying to concentrate. “Then I made a coffee to take with me on the walk to the office. I… I like to get there for 0745.”

“No breakfast?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Sorry. I made a slice of toast, ate it while I was waiting for the coffee to brew.” You remember leaning up against your kitchen counter to eat it – you hadn’t even got a plate out the cupboard, just buttered it on the chopping board, left the knife in the sink to wash up later… Is there going to be a later? You dig your nails into palm again, hard enough to leave indents. “Sometimes I’ll get a bagel from this cart near work, if that matters.” It probably doesn’t, but you want to stop thinking about home.

“And do you walk to the office every day?”

“No – weather dependent. I mean, there’s a bus I can take. There’s just a lot of traffic and so many stops that I found it takes the same amount of time to ride that as walk, so I get that if it’s too cold or wet. Listen to music, usually.”

“Okay, good.” He’s laying on the praise a little thick, but you accept it gratefully all the same, along with his smile. “Doing really good. So, you walked to work. Anything unusual you remember from on the way there?”

“No. Just the same walk, really. I’m pretty good at the whole awareness of my surroundings cos of the job, so…”

“Of course,” he nods. “And you got in the office at 0745?”

“Erm… Probably not precisely 0745.” You scan in through a turnstile, don’t wanna say you got in at a specific time in case it comes back to haunt you. “And I don’t need to be clocked on until 0800, but I had time to made another coffee in the breakroom before I logged on to my terminal, so probably between 0745 and 0800.”

“And are there turnstiles or a security check when you enter?” Had he read your mind? No, he probably has it noted down to cross-check your story.

“Yeah – bag searched, walk through the metal detector, then there’s a turnstile I have to scan in at.” Like any of those protocols had stopped whatever or whoever it was who had got inside.

“Okay, good. Headed to the breakroom, then from there to your terminal, and no other stops, no colleague interruptions?”

“Er… Yeah, one.” You swallow, her face flashing across your mind. “Am I allowed to use their name?”

Leon nods.

“Clara was in the breakroom when I got there, making a coffee. She had a date the night before – I asked her how it went.”

“Okay. Do you know what the date’s name was?”

“No. She’d just mentioned it the day before, though. We were leaving at the same time and she was excited about it, so I thought I’d ask. He’d been really dull at dinner apparently. She didn’t think she’d bother seeing him again.”

And no-one will be seeing her ever again either, your brain so helpfully reminds you.

“Okay. So, you’ve made it to the office, made your coffee, spoke to Clara, sat down at the terminal… What’s that, exactly?”

“It’s a computer, basically. All linked in to the main server, sit in like half cubicles. The screens have these hoods on, so no-one can see what you’re looking at unless they’re in the seat. They’re called terminals on all the internal documents.”

“Right, got you. What’s a usual work day for you? Did yesterday’s seem any different?”

“Do you know much about the surveillance department?”

Leon shakes his head. “I know you’re an intel source.”

“Yeah, that’s about it. Individuals get marked for surveillance from email scans or phone calls, travel plans, receipts, CCTV – it can be just be a word that flags them up or someone makes a tip-off, then we conduct investigations to see whether they’re involved in bioterrorism. So, I log on and open my assigned cases. We rotate every day and there’s always a few you can dismiss immediately because it’s flagged up erroneously. Some, there’s already previous analysis done, so you go through the notes and then check if there’s been any activity or correspondence logged overnight. If there hasn’t been on those cases, I open up a new case – rinse and repeat. It’ll give me a notification on the system if there’s activity on any of my pre-allocated cases, so I switch between as activity starts and stops.”

“Huh,” he muses. “How do you pick up a new case – just see what takes your fancy?”

“No,” you shake your head. “They’re random. You click a button and the system assigns you one. They change the code every week of how it does it.”

“Why’s it random?”

“Er, in case anyone is… trying to protect someone, I guess? Or being blackmailed into, like, closing a case.”

“I see. And nothing out of the ordinary all morning?”

“No. I… I had one case that had had a lot of email activity overnight, so I went through that. Then I submitted a couple of reports advising three… or maybe four cases be closed - I can’t remember exactly - but it’s not unusual to advise closing cases as people get flagged up all the time.”

“Yeah, all make sense. Did you get a break?”

“Yeah, I had a break at 1300 to 1330. I brought in a boxed lunch…” You didn’t mention that earlier, did you? “I made it the night before – not in the morning. I grabbed it out of the fridge before I left my apartment.”

“It’s all right, Dove.” Leon soothes. “I’m not expecting you to remember every finite detail – you’re doing really well.”

You nod, a little shakily. “I ate it in the breakroom. A couple of my colleagues popped in and out, but no-one sat with me that day. I made a coffee and went back to my terminal.”

“Okay.” He nods, leaning forward then and squinting a little at something on the laptop screen. “So, 1442 is when the power was cut to the building. Where were you when that happened?”

“I had an active call that I was listening in on, it hadn’t been going on very long. And then…” You fix your stare on the coffee table then – you don’t want to look at Leon’s face anymore, those sympathetic blue eyes. “..everything went dark. There was about 15 seconds before the emergency lighting came on, or it should’ve been. We have drills every so often, and it’s meant to be quick, but only enough to light the path to the fire exits, you know? But it looked like the back-up generator was coming on too, because I’m sure I saw the terminal screen reboot a second.”

“And you didn’t hear anyone say anything?”

“I think it was quiet, I don’t know if anyone said anything, but there wasn’t an alarm to evacuate. I had my headphones on still as I thought when the terminal reboots, I’ll just get straight back into the call if it was still going after I logged in because they’ll be annoyed if we all left unnecessarily, you know?” Your eyes are still fixed on the coffee table, so you don’t know if he nods or not. “But then…” You wonder if your nails will pierce through the skin of your palm this time with how hard you're pressing. “Then I heard this scream and… And…”

You let out a shuddering breath, hearing the scream echoing around in your mind.

“It’s all right, Dove,” Leon reaches out a hand but stops himself, leaving it hovering awkwardly over your knee. “Here,” he leans forward instead, picks up the glass. “Have some water, okay?”

You take the glass, not even able to say thank you, and put it up to your lips, but it clinks against your teeth, feels too cold sliding down your throat and into your stomach.

He takes the glass back from you as you lower it from your lips, placing it down on the table gently, and waits. He doesn’t press, he doesn’t smile, just waits.

You exhale, close your eyes – you’re not sure if it makes it worse.

“I… I took my headphones off and I… I couldn’t work out what it was. It didn’t sound human – something guttural. I think I heard someone swear, and more screams, but those were human. I-I got up from my chair, stepped out and looked down the hall and… there was this thing, like…” You search for the words, but not for too long. “Sorry, I don’t how to describe it.”

“That’s all right. We’ve got them on the CCTV.”

“But it had... someone in its mouth. And I should know who it was, because I’ve worked with these people for so long, but it h-had their head in its mouth. How could I not know?” Your voice breaks.

“Dove,” Leon starts, gently, “I think we should take a break.”

You shake your head, determined to get it over with. “It shook its head, like a dog shakes a toy, but it bit down and… I don’t know if I blacked it out because I don’t remember how I got there, but I was on the ground, like something had knocked me down and… someone was on top of me.”

“I am so sorry.”

“There were more and more screams and sounds I can’t describe - from all around – and everywhere I looked there just seemed another one of those things, clambering over cubicles with these awful, long tongues, snapping around limbs and, like, ricocheting people back. I got up and ran but there was blood in my eyes and I don’t know if it was mine or someone else’s, but I didn’t get far because this horrible wet thing wrapped around my arm and I got thrown into the wall or something else hard. My arm went limp – I think that’s when it dislocated my shoulder and maybe that confused it because it let go? I don’t know why it would let go when it didn’t for anyone else and… I… The stairs…”

And that’s it, your resolve has cracked and sobs erupt from deep within your chest, your whole body shaking, your vision obscured with hot tears and you can’t breathe with the grief.

There’s a beep – Leon’s frantically stopped the laptop recording, and then he’s sat right next to you, taking your good hand in his and squeezing it.

“I need you to breathe, okay? It’s going to seem hard, but I know you can do it, Dove. We’re going to breathe in through the nose for four, hold that breath in our lungs for another four, and then we’re going to exhale through our mouths for four. Okay? I’m gonna keep count with a squeeze of your hand, close your eyes if you want, I just really need you to breathe.”

You nod, sobs instead of breaths, and it feels impossible as Leon begins squeezing your hand in rounds of four. It’s poor at best, not inhaling enough, breaths still cut short as you cry, but he persists, round after round until, finally, you feel the air is finally reaching the bottom of your lungs, crying reduced to sniffles – feeling exhausted.

“I should’ve stopped you – realized you needed a break.” He stops squeezing your hand but he doesn’t let go.

“No,” your voice still feels tight. “I wanted it over with. Is that selfish?”

“Not at all.” Leon replies quickly, firmly, before his tone softens. “I know this a dumb question before I even ask, but is there anything I can do for you right now, or get you?”

“Can I have a hug?” You ask, quietly - a fleeting thought of that surely would be against protocol, but you need something grounding.

“Of course.” His arms wrap around you – strong, solid, warm arms, mindful of your shoulder, pressing you into his chest and the scent of the strawberry bodywash. You can hear his heartbeat as you press your face into him.

Leon doesn’t speak, doesn’t move either, just keeps holding you close. Hell, he needed a hug after Raccoon City, he’d just never got the guts to ask Claire for one. Not in front of Sherry anyway, and no-one was gonna hug him when he got sent off to military training.

He doesn’t know how long you’ve sat like that, but he is aware as you grow limp against his chest, falling into an emotionally exhausted sleep. He knows it’s not proper for him to be doing this with you, the DSO asset he’s meant to be protecting, but from past experience, he knows you won’t be asleep long and what the DSO doesn’t know can’t hurt them.

Speaking of, he thinks, leaning against the back of the sofa and tilting you gently down with him, he slips a hand into his pocket for his phone and types a quick message.

Interview concluded. Will have timeline of incident and report sent by 2000. Summary - experiencing survivor's guilt, not a suspect.

--

Part four.

Masterlist . Requests welcome . Commissions/Ko-Fi

Comments, follows, likes and reblogs make my day! PS: I'm sorry if this was extremely boring but hopefully some nice fluff in there for you at the end x

[thoughtfulchaos773]

Refire the Sets

I'll try my best to break down what I love about this scene.

The whip pan from Sydney to Carmy- telling us something is coming. The transition gives us this disoriented feeling.

Oh, and the symbolism of the dish that triggers Carmy- they could have used any of the dishes to start a response, but they chose the one from Carmy's past.

The acting: Carmy stutters, and that frustrates him even more that he can't get the words out, Sydney's reaction to each fuck is Sydney trying to make sense of his anger.

The camera moves to Sydney and the clock behind her heightens the intensity.

When Carmy pleads, please just refire, just refire, please, the climbing music lowers a bit- signaling that this may not repeat the 1x07 review moment since Carmy tries to calm himself down.

And it won't be a repeat because Sydney speaks up for herself this time; she's not frozen in the wake of his anger; instead, she's ready to point out the reasons behind the error.

Writing: The quick dialogue happening at once- when Sydney and Carmy argue, their words collide, but they can catch everything the other is saying and react to it. There's no stone left unturned between Sydney and Carmy because they're listening to every word that comes out of their mouth.

While Sydney tells him what he was doing that caused the dead fish. Carmy hears it and reacts, and this time, it has nothing to do with the guy by the window. It has everything to do with Sydney. The rollercoaster from pleading just refire to the sudden explosion of Syd.Syd. I love how that's written and Jeremy's power behind calling her name.

The camera zooms in on Carmy when he says each word- Refire the sets. They've been sitting here for fucking ever. Refire. The camera gives us the feeling of heightened anxiety that's still there. But there's another whip pan when Sydney warns Carmy Watch it dude.

With Sydney's warning, the music returns to normal and at a normal volume. The camera focuses on Carmy again- but this time it's not as close- his panic attack is over.

The greatest part about this- this whole scene was only about 45 seconds, and it put us in a different world. That's what it always seems like with Sydney and Carmy- whether an argument or coming closer- it's a scene that slows down or speeds up the story's pace.

Kudos to the cinematography, writing, directing, and acting in this short amount of time.

[whattodoattheendoftheworld]

Roomies band au

C!Cleo gives the energy of someone who has the singing voice of a god, but will unintentionally destroy any instrument they touch, while C!Etho gives the energy of someone who can play any instrument known to man with varying levels of successfulness while still being decent at all of them, but can't sing to save his life, so I propose this: a band au where they make little songs and such in their garage together.

Grian would get dragged into editing everything for them simply because he lives with them and they don't want to do it themselves. He especially hates editing anything Etho has created because his stuff, every single instrumental ever, is so much more to edit than Cleo's vocals.

They would post their songs on a YouTube channel Grian set up for them after Cleo bullied Etho into letting her.

All of their songs become emo the moment Etho gets his hands on them and Cleo allows it without resistance.

One of their songs is a platonic love/rant song Etho wrote about Joel and he always says that it can be about anything the listener wants it to, or makes a stupidly complicated story for what it's actually about, but it's really just about Joel and Etho can't lie about it. It's probably called "Neck Kisses" or something to match Joel's Spotify playlist. Of course, Cleo bullies him into releasing it since it unironically goes hard. (Think "You Stupid B!tch" by Girl In Red, but with less romantic undertones.)

The second Bdubs finds out about their little band/duo thing, he goes completely feral. He immediately becomes their #1 fan, makes merch for them and begs them to show him unreleased songs. I can't decide if it's actually because he loves their music or if he just wants to be supportive.

Joel, on the other hand, finds out about it and lovingly hates on them. Not publicly or anything and not really to Cleo - it's mostly just him making fun of Etho, so really just the usual for them. He calls himself their de-hype man nonetheless.

The merch Bdubs makes is surprisingly high quality for hand-made stuff, mostly consisting of shirts and jumpers decorated with song lyrics and names and maybe a few socks and some custom kazoos. He and Grian team up to make them an official merch website.

I like the idea of them just being like a small indie band that appreciates every like and nice comment they get, so Etho has some kind of heart attack when they hit a hundred subscribers. Of course, Bdubs convinces/forces them to celebrate the, albeit small, achievement and invites everyone even vaguely involved, so it's just Cleo, Etho, Grian, Bdubs and Joel cramped inside of Cleo, Etho and Grian's garage, drinking and eating snacks together and having a marathon of every bad horror movie they can find.

They also have a friendly rivalry with "Gem and the Scotts", (since someone commented that and I loved the idea) but don't really focus too much on rivalries since half of the band (Etho) is too busy obsessing over their de-hype man.

Thinking about it now, they probably started by making covers of songs made by bands like Paramore and Twenty-One Pilots, probably some Panic! At The Disco as well. Then Cleo came up with a song about something going on in their life and asked Etho to do the instrumentals for it. Asking him to do backup vocals for her taught them that he was awful at singing since he outright refused, leading to them teaming up to create the actual band.

They're one of those alternative/indie emo bands - like Fall Out Boy and such.

I have no idea what their band name would be- it could be something simple, like just "The roomies", but I feel like they wouldn't want to leave Grian out since he isn't actually in the band. Maybe he could play the kazoo or something??

I enjoy imagining Bdubs asking about what Etho does in the band since he has never thought about him being musically talented and Cleo just takes him into Etho's room - it's filled with different instruments and merch of different bands, like they all have their own special spaces and stands. Bdubs is flabbergasted.

Despite their friendly rivalry with "Gem and the Scotts", they don't really interact with them tons because Joel has this weird hatred for Scott that he has never ever explained - No one can ask about it either since he'll just start to angrily mutter names under his breath. Cleo has deduced that it must be because of something that happened in high school, but nobody knows much more than that, except Bdubs who keeps his lips firmly sealed. (Thank another comment for this.)

[peterman-spideyparker]

Strange (Matt Murdock x fem!Reader)

Author’s Note: Hey everyone! I've been meaning to post this for months as the sequel to 6B inspired by this instrumental cover, but the actual inspiration to post it and get it out of my drafts folder has been lacking. I hope you all enjoy! :)

Summary: You've gotten to know your neighbor, Matt, and have grown very close to him over the last few months. Not only that, but his friend group has readily accepted you into the fold. But when they want to come and see a concert you're in and things start to go wrong, you're not only worried about the performance, but letting them down.

Click here for some listening inspiration!

Warnings: Fluff (Matt and Reader being sooo into one another but unable to just say it, kissing, Matt being supportive), angst (Reader has a panic attack)

Other Characters: Foggy Nelson, Karen Page

Word Count: 2,349

“You know,” Foggy says as he downs his drink. “I could have been a butcher.”

Karen and Matt groan, which means this is a frequent story that Foggy likes to tell anyone who can listen.

“Please, spare her this one,” Matt begs melodramatically. “You’ll scare her away.”

“Yeah, and it’s been nice for me these last few months to have another woman in this circle of weird,” Karen chuckles before she drinks her beer. 

“No, no, it’s okay,” you say with a small smile, sipping your drink. “Tell me.”

“Fine, we’ll go with the abridged version: I wanted to break ranks from cured meat, got into Columbia to do law, expected to get rich, and now get paid in bananas and strawberry rhubarb pie,” Foggy huffs.

“Yeah, but that pie means you’re doing good work helping the people that need it. And it’s a delicious perk of friendship with you guys,” you grin as you all clink your drinks together.

“Professor (Y/L/N)?” you hear a voice call through the noise of the bar.

You all look over, and you notice a small group of your students at a table in the bar. They wave and cheer, making their way over to where you sit.

“Hi guys,” you smile. “It’s nice to see you out instead of in rehearsal.”

“Well, even the workaholics gotta take a break,” one of your students says.

“We just wanted to say hey before we left,” another says. “We’re on our way to dinner at a friends. But we’ll see you in class and at your concert.”

At the mention of your upcoming performance, you feel a blush burn on your cheeks as you wave goodbye to them, knowing you're about to undergo the third degree.

“You’ve got a concert coming up?” Matt says, turning toward you, his knee brushing against yours.

“Yes,” you confirm with a sheepish dip of your head.

“Is she trying to be humble as a way to dissuade us from gathering more information, counselor?” he leans over to Foggy.

“I believe so,” Foggy hums. “Ms. Page, since the client is hostile, we are enlisting your investigative journalism talents.”

“My rates have gone up,” she chuckles as she brings her drink to her lips. “I don’t think you can afford it.”

“I’m assuming you’re gonna keep this jig up until I tell you what you want?” you interject.

“Ah, so astute, Ms. (Y/L/N),” Matt smirks.

“Saturday at seven in the Miller Theatre at Dodge Hall on campus. Happy?”

“Extremely. Nelson and Murdock always gets their case,” Foggy laughs.

“What kind of music are you going to be playing?” Karen beams with interest.

“Nothing special, really. I’m going to do some conducting, playing some covers, and some original pieces—.”

“Originals?” Foggy grins.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you,” you say softly. “I appreciate you enthusiasm, really, it means a lot.”

“But you don’t want us there,” Matt says softly, picking up on your tone.

“I mean, it’s not that I don’t want you there, I just . . . it’s embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing?” Foggy repeats.

“But musicians want people to hear their music, right?” Karen continues.

“I love to share my music. But when people I know are in the audience—.” You shrug, an overwhelming sense of inadequacy washing over you. “It’s like I’m gonna disappoint them.”

The mood of the group is immediately changed, and you feel your face grow hot again.

“Listen,” you start again quietly. “I have to teach an early class tomorrow morning. I’ll see you guys later.”

You pull the money out of your wallet to cover my beers, giving a gentle squeeze to Matt’s knee as you wave goodbye to your friends. 

“(Y/N), wait!” you hear Matt call after you on the sidewalk. “Wait!”

You stop in your tracks, turning in time to watch him fold up his cane. “Matt, listen—.”

“No, please, let me,” he breathes as he comes to a halt in front of you. “I’m sorry if we made you feel weird. We just want to be here to support you. If us coming to your concert would make you uncomfortable, we won’t come, but we’ll be with you in spirit. But I can say with confidence that no matter what, you could never disappoint us—you could never disappoint me.”

You give him a soft smile, and you lean forward to press a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you, Matt,” you tell him. “If you guys want to come, you can. Just keep the expectation bar low?”

A soft laugh falls from his chest, and it’s more beautiful than any composition you could have put together. “If it makes you feel better, we will keep the bar on the ground. Now c’mon, let me walk you back to your place.”

“You sure it’s not out of your way, Murdock?” you grin.

He loops his arm in yours and lets out a long sigh. “It’d be a bit of a hike, but, I’d only do it for you.”

“Please, please, please,” you breathe as you move into the audience, hoping this is one of the rare occasions that your friends didn’t listen to you. You almost burst into tears when you see Matt, Foggy, and Karen in the front row with flowers in hand. Before you can even move to try and get close to them, you watch as Matt gets up from his seat and unfurls his cane, slowly approaching you.

“Matt!” you call softly, watching him turn his head in your direction.

“You okay?” Matt asks you, putting a hand on your shoulder. “You’re oozing nerves so much a blind man can tell.”

“I . . . no,” you whimper. “The last song is a duet—piano and violin. My pianist just called and has the stomach flu and is currently in the hospital for dehydration. I-I . . . Matt, I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out—I don’t freak out, and I’m freaking out.”

“(Y/N)—.”

“See, I could do it, but I can’t play the violin and piano at the same time. I have to think of something new on the fly. I can’t think on the fly like this. I wrote that piece months ago for tonight, and now it’s out the window! I can improvise when I play, but I can’t think of a new plan on the spot.”

“(Y/N), you need to take a deep breath.”

“What does a heart attack feel like? I think I’m having a heart attack.”

Matt places your hand on his chest, square in the middle, mirroring the action with his own. “Take some deep breaths for me, okay? I’m right here. Focus in on my heartbeat.” You match your breathing with his, putting all your focus into your breathing pattern. “There you go. Nice and slow, just like that. Tell me how I can help.”

“Matt—.”

“Please. Let me at least try to help.”

You suck in your bottom lip and bite it, grabbing his hand and pulling him to one of the side rooms with a piano.

“You said you played piano in church when you were little, right?” you confirm as you sit on the bench, pulling him down next to you.

“Yeah, I did,” he nods.

“I’m really hoping that brain of yours is photographic-adjacent,” you say as you sit on the bench. You begin to press the keys gently, the notes softly reverberating in the room. You play it as you have a million times before, and you can tell by Matt’s laser-focused on how you press the keys: he’s absolutely astonished by each note, capturing the sound and storing it away in his mind. When you finish, you turn on the bench and look at him while he looks at you with nothing but affection. 

“That was absolutely amazing,” he breathes, sounding utterly awestruck.

You blush, immensely flattered. “Do you think you can mimic it?”

“I think it’s doable,” he says with a gentle but confident grin. "Can I ask, why me? There's a stage full of musicians behind the curtain."

"I trust you," you say, your heart racing once more. "And that's not to say I don't trust them, but, I think you're the only one that can help, and I trust you with every bone in my body."

He places his hand on top of yours. "Let me give it a try."

You move from the bench, allowing Matt to take your place as he replicates the piece note for note, sounding identical to what you just played.

“And just when I think you couldn’t get more amazing,” you whisper with a smile, almost on the verge of tears from being so grateful. “Are you comfortable going up and doing that at the end of the night?”

“Of course. For you, of course,” Matt breathes. 

You smile, leaning forward to kiss his cheek before you take his hand and pull him from the bench and back to the main performance hall. “I can walk you up to the stage when it’s time,” you tell him. “I’ll never be able to thank you for this, Matt. Honestly.”

“Save your thank-you’s for when the night is over,” he hums, giving your hand a tender squeeze. “You’ll be amazing—you are amazing. And I will be right there with you every step of the night, with every note you play.”

With a shaky breath, you squeeze his hands once more before you resume your position backstage, and give a pep-talk to your performers. By the time you make it to the stage, you go on auto-pilot, tuning into your performers, the audience, and how everything comes together as you lead them and play matching melodies with instruments of your own. You feel extra flushed when you reach the near-end of the program when you have to address the audience before your final piece.

“This next song will be the last one of the night,” you start. “I want to thank you all for taking the time out of your busy lives to come here and enjoy the music brought to you by these absolutely talented musicians. This last piece is an original duet I have put together over the last couple of months. New York isn’t my home. I grew up all across the country, but I first came to this city to get my degree from this very institution. Fate brought me back here, and even though I lived in this city for the formative years of my adult life, everything felt so new and different when I came back, but it also felt like I hadn’t left for a moment. It was strange. Upon my return to the city, I met a spectacular human that embodies that strangeness, but also oozes hope, kindness, empathy, and acceptance, and I’m honored that he has agreed to join me in my final performance of the night on the piano.”

Moving down from the stage, you meet Matt at his seat, offering your arm for him to take as you guide him up to the piano. As he sits, he squeezes your hand one more time, just as he has so frequently before, and you know that no matter what happens in the next three minutes, everything will be okay because Matt believes in you, even if you haven’t believed in yourself. Softly, you count off, Matt gently pressing on the keys for a few notes before you join in on the violin. Everything blends together beautifully—better than you ever could have imagined. You both play as if you were a duo that have been playing together all of your lives, and you don’t exactly process that the song is over until it happens and the crowd rises to their feet and erupts in applause. You put your instrument down, taking Matt’s hand and bringing him to the edge of the stage to take a bow with you as the curtains close. You wrap Matt in the biggest hug you physically can, burying your face into his neck.

“I’ll never be able to thank you enough for what you just did,” you breathe into him. “Thank you so much, Matty.”

He squeezes you tight, holding the back of your head and smoothing down your hair. “You were amazing, angel,” he whispers before leaning back from the hug. “Everything was so incredibly great. It all sounded so beautiful. I am so, so incredibly proud of you.”

A warm, fuzzy feeling spreads all over your body, starting from your tummy and flowing outward, making your skin burn hot. Your lips part slightly, your heart skipping a beat when you notice Matt’s tongue poke out and wet his lips. 

“(Y/N), I—,” he starts, but you glide your hands up to cradle his face, pulling him in for a kiss. He gladly receives it, moaning into your lips and holding you close, squeezing your waist and dipping you slightly. Pulling back after you straighten, he rests his forehead on yours and gently brushes your noses together before leaning in for more soft, sweet kisses. “I’ve got some tulips with your name on it out in the front row,” he grins. “Foggy and Karen insisted on roses, but, I know you like tulips. Mr. Wilson at the corner florist helped me put the colors together for you.”

“How’d you know I like tulips?” you hum, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

“I might’ve talked to your students. They gave me some ideas.”

“Ah. Well, since I can’t kiss them as a thank you, I think I might have to give you a few more to show my full extent of gratitude.”

“Mm,” Matt happily hums, his hands moving down your body soothingly. “I’d like that. But not here. When we get back to our building. I have a feeling people are looking to congratulate you.”

“Okay,” you breathe, taking half a step back, slipping your hand in his so we can go into the audience. “I’m gonna hold you to it.”

“I hope you do.”

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Matt Murdock Taglist: @two-unbeatable-beaters

[anashins]

All the Pretty and Ugly Things

Pairing: NCT's Jaehyun x You

Genre: idol!Jaehyun, heavy angst, drama, romance, smut

TWs: several smut scenes; ml has phases with a bad personality; story begins upbeat and spirals to a darker tone in the second half; depiction of past scandals (e.g. Itaewon); mentions and descriptions of panic attacks and (spells of) depression/depressive episodes

Word Count: 27,5k

Summary: He stands in the spotlight, but the only one he's looking at is you. Until one day, the sparks in his eyes are gone and the Jaehyun you know privately is only a lifeless shell of the Jaehyun he pretends to be on stage. Crumbling under the pressure of being an idol, you try to share his baggage, but there is only so much a human can take.

A/N: This is the requested full length story to "I Still Search for You". The story spans from early 2018 'till the beginning of 2023, including real life events, and is heavily Jaehyun centered. The events are facts, everything else is made up - this is fiction after all. Now, enjoy :)

THEN

Hey, Jaehyun.

Why is it that making our dreams come true and being truly happy are often two different things? I still can’t figure it out.

Once, you told me that if you hadn’t become an idol, you would have wanted to be a young father instead, probably having two children by now. I can imagine that very well. You are so good with children, and they love you as well. 

But dreams change. Just like people.

You cannot be a father at the peak of your career, and it pains me to see you giving up on this genuine dream of yours to chase after another that drains you off the light that had once been so vivid in your eyes.

You never wanted to be an idol. 

The possibility had not crossed your mind even once despite listening to that music daily - until that fateful day when you were only fifteen and got street-casted by an agent for your overly good looks.

Oftentimes, I wonder if you hadn’t stayed in school for so long that day, your path might have taken a different turn. Whether, if you had only finished classes a bit earlier or a bit later that day, you would have still run into this agent. 

These good looks of yours was what drove you to your downfall eventually, this exceptionally handsome face that had once smitten me as well and overshadows everything that’s lying underneath it. And there is so much you keep hidden, because to the outside world, you’re supposed to be perfect. 

But they can’t see the broken young man that has succumbed to the spotlight.

All they see is their perfect idol, smiling in interviews, beaming on stage, flawlessly following whatever the company demands from him. They call you attractive, talented, write you letters, give you presents, put projects together and do everything in their power to support you from all across the world.

I really appreciate them for all their efforts, and I know you do too. They keep you going, alive, push you to greater heights when you’re feeling like giving up. Everything you do, you do for them. You don’t want to disappoint them, you want to make them happy with your presence alone.

So they are not responsible for what has happened to you, for how you feel. They had only done their best from what they got to see of you. We all did.

But it wasn’t not enough. Nothing and no one was enough.

Jaehyun, you really wanted to love this world.

And in the end, it broke you.

____

2018

“Stop sulking, put your big girl pants on and come with me!”

You groaned as Seulgi grabbed you by your hand and pulled you off the couch on which you had just settled so comfortably.

“Please… I don’t feel like going out today,” you complained.

“You haven’t gone out in 68 years. Or how long has it been since your breakup?”

“124 days.”

“That’s enough. The fact that you could even come up with the exact number? Chills.” She grabbed a pair of jeans from ‘the chair’ and threw it into your arms. “Come on. Change into it, I want to see whether you look cute in them when we make you presentable for the outside world again.”

“Where are you even dragging me to?” you asked, reluctantly disposing of your joggers and slipping into the jeans. “Will there be many people? I hate big social gatherings, you’re aware of that as we’ve known each other for years.”

“Back then in school, you also hated people, so we won’t be many. Only Jisoo, my friend Taeyong, one of his band members and a producer friend. A small gathering only.”

“Four other people? I don’t consider this a small gathering.” You paused. “Just… why?”

She glared at you. You had never gone out with Seulgi’s company squad before except for her band members and Jisoo, and the latter belonged to a different group. If it had happened that you went out together with her idol friends - the very rare times - you ended up being the one taking photos of them. And you wanted to remain this person in the background. 

Taeyong? You knew him of course. Seulgi talked about him a lot, mainly when it was about dancing and songs, but he was the leader of one of the most popular boy groups in the country as well, so it was a given that you turned keen-eared upon hearing his name. Perhaps, you were a bit excited to go to the gathering.

“Okay, beat me.”

A little while later, you were sitting in the restaurant, and once again, you felt very out of place. Having known Seulgi since middle school, you really appreciated her efforts in supporting you after a heartbreak, but you were asking yourself whether this gathering was truly necessary if you could just sit at home and watch Netflix.

“We’re here!”

You looked up and reconsidered. Perhaps… Yes, it was necessary.

You almost choked on your coke when you spotted Taeyong standing right in front of you. You had seen him in music videos, in whatever threads and pictures people shared of him online or in whatever articles he got featured, but never in real life. And in real life, it was a whole other experience.

Yes, he was just as handsome, just as beaming, and radiated so much ‘idol aura’, you feared you would swoon. But he actually appeared less intimidating than on stage, much slimmer, a bit smaller and very, very kind. Yet, he still acted like a normal young man when he introduced himself a bit shyly to you along with his producer friend.

You were fawning so hard over Taeyong, having engaged him in a conversation right away, that you nearly overlooked the other young, taller man entering the restaurant fifteen minutes later. You hadn’t even noticed someone was still missing until now.

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

“We’ve just arrived from the production studio, what’s your excuse, Jaehyun?” Taeyong teased him. “Can’t you tell the time?”

“I can.” Jaehyun lifted his arm, looked at his watch and directed the following words at the object, “The manager who was supposed to drive me was late, I’m sorry I didn’t make it fifteen minutes earlier.”

His humor was spontaneous, random and deadpan, rendering everyone silent so that birds chirping in the background would possibly be audible right now. A real dad joke nobody seemed to get or find funny. Except for you. He was literally telling the time what his excuse was.

You bursted out in laughter, catching his attention with your lighthearted tone that came from the very bottom of your heart and that no one had heard for three whole months.

“Oh look. Finally someone who finds your dad jokes funny,” someone commented.

Jaehyun joined your laughter, and shortly later, you found yourself sitting next to him, engaged in a conversation about why records were so much better than anything digitized nowadays and why no one could top Bruno Mars, having totally forgotten who was actually sitting next to you,

Jeong Jaehyun.

Everyone knew NCT, and despite you not being a regular listener, you still had one person you ogled every now and then. But Jaehyun had never been that person. 

Of course you had noticed his handsome looks, his prince-like aura and his great voice. To you though, he had always seemed too perfect which was why he never quite peaked your interest. You just didn’t do perfect.

But he proved to you, later that evening when all your friends were already gone and you were hiding in the women's restroom, making out wildly to cure your heartbreak, that ‘the idol’ Jaehyun himself was far from perfect.

If he was perfect, he wouldn’t kiss someone he had just met in a restaurant’s restroom so passionately, having them sit on top of the sink with their arms wrapped around his neck. A perfect idol wouldn’t have his fingers entangled in your hair, his hands rubbing between your clothed thighs and his tongue slowly pushing into your mouth.

It was a good thing that you didn’t expect him to be perfect as you were anything but as well.

You moaned quietly when he put pressure on the spot where his fingers were placed, softly biting into his lower lip to which he responded with a groan and grabbed you by both of your legs, wrapping them around his hips. Arching your spine, you rubbed yourself against him while his hand slowly found its way under your blouse.

Your back reacted with pleasant goose bumps as Jaehyun traced his fingers along your skin, and since it had been so long that you were last touched like this, hell broke loose inside of you, relishing all the pent-up desire of which you hadn’t even been aware of as you thought you were still mourning after your ex boyfriend.

But no, you were apparently already really attracted to this stranger who wasn’t really a stranger at all since you passed by his cardboard standee at least once a day when you were on your way to work and walked by the cosmetic store close to the subway. This entire situation seemed so surreal to you, even though you were living in it right now.

When you finally parted, a bit breathless and lightheaded after this long make out session, you wondered whether Jaehyun did that more often than he would openly admit. You understood though. He could have anyone he wanted, and he probably did.

“If you expect now to be invited to my place, forget it,” you told him, shuffling out of his grip and jumping from the sink. “I’m kind of a traditional girl.”

You were still heartbroken and didn’t do rebounds. Partially, you also didn’t want to invite him home because he was an idol, and you could imagine quite well what getting involved with them meant.

“A traditional girl who makes out with a guy she has just met?” Jaehyun cocked a brow and spun around to you, not letting you miss the joking tone in his voice though. “That’s quite a paradox.”

You sleekened your blouse and reached for your purse, just now realizing how late it had already gotten. “Admittedly, it doesn’t happen quite often that I immediately feel so attracted to a guy I barely know.”

The corners of Jaehyun’s lips tilted up to a wide grind that revealed his pearl white teeth. “That’s how attracted you are to me?”

“Don’t raise your hopes up.”

“It’s probably better this way, because I’m afraid you might tear my shirt apart right here and now, if that’s how attracted you are to me.”

You rolled your eyes, but smiled. “Goodnight, Jaehyun.”

He chuckled. “Goodnight.”

On your way home, you were still thinking about him and how damn good of a kisser he was. You knew from Seulgi that idols also dated, slept around or had flings here and there. You had never expected yourself to be one of them though, and certainly not with Jeong Jaehyun.

To you, it was an experience you surely hadn’t expected to get, but wouldn’t like to miss out on now in the aftermath. It also was something you hoped to not experience again, because you just didn’t want to get involved with someone who had kissing different girls on his every day agenda, because he was just capable of doing it.

Someone like Jeong Jaehyun.

____

“Come on, it’s gonna be fun!”

You sighed. “Fine.”

“Hooray!”

Seulgi took you by her hand and dragged you to the backstage area. She had invited you to join the afterparty of Red Velvet’s second concert in Seoul, and even though you weren’t really keen on partying tonight, you wanted to celebrate this special day with your friend.

While Seulgi and the other members drove with their manager back to the company’s building, you took an Uber on your own. During the entire ride, you were asking yourself whether Jaehyun would be there as well, but dismissed the thought almost instantly. On the off chance that he was there too, you would just behave normally.

You hadn’t told anyone about your physical encounter with Jaehyun. To you, now, a few weeks later, it only seemed like a vivid fever dream, not worth mentioning. The only person who knew about it was Seulgi, but only because she was friends with Taeyong and had squeezed it out of you.

She hadn’t been very happy about it though. If it would have been Taeyong, she would have supported it, but not Jaehyun. Apparently, you had been right about your initial gut feeling. Jaehyun just wasn’t someone you would want to fall in love with as you would most likely get your heart broken.

“There are idols who are here for the sole reason of making music,” she had said. “And then there are idols who find women also important, like Jaehyun. I can count on one hand how many girls in the company he hasn’t screwed yet.” 

“I figured,” you had brushed it off. The heartbreak you had experienced in the past was enough for a lifetime. One more reason to never see him again.

The moment you entered the afterparty’s location though, you knew that this was going to be big as not only the Red Velvet girls and their acquaintances were there, but also trainees, other groups, the company’s entire staff and friends.

“What’s going on here?” you asked yourself in silence as Seulgi dragged you into the hall.

“Stay here, I want to introduce you to some people! Grab a drink, I’ll be back.”

“Okay.”

You looked around and people passed by you without even noticing your presence. That was probably the commoner effect. You weren’t an idol, neither a trainee nor a staff. Of course nobody would even pay the slightest attention to you.

“You’re so attracted to me that you even joined the afterparty just to see me again?” Well damn, you knew that voice. 

Jaehyun stood in front of you the next moment, having circled you from behind. “Or am I wrong?”

“You’re wrong,” you defended yourself. “I’m just here, because I want to support Seulgi and her group. I’ll go look for her…”

“One drink!” Jaehyun blocked your way. “Have one drink with me?”

“And then?” You crossed your arms.

“We can continue talking about our interests. It was fun and insightful to do so with someone who genuinely cares.” You didn’t miss the earnesty in his voice, and you were almost sorry for what you were about to say next,

“Probably because you’re only fixated on people in the entertainment industry. Your selection is limited.”

He tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I've been friends with Seulgi since middle school, Jaehyun. I know about idol life, and also about their dating life. It doesn’t bother me, at all. About you though…” You eyed him suspiciously. “Seulgi warned me, because you have quite a reputation among these people.”

“Before you knew, that hadn’t stopped you from kissing me.” He wasn’t haughty about that fact, but merely stated an observation. “If you had known back then, would you still have dragged me to the women’s restrooms?”

You bit into your bottom lip, unsure what to say. “Attraction and morals are two different things. I want to do what’s morally right, and that would be to not get involved with you. I’m being honest… I’m still suffering from a heartbreak. I don’t want a rebound,”

“Morals,” he scoffed. “Sometimes in life, morals have to be put down as they only restrict you from living your best life and don’t bring you forward to cherish what makes you happy at this very moment. I’m saying that there are more important things than morals.”

“What else?” You were genuinely curious. 

He stepped closer to you. “Sometimes, the attraction between two people is all that matters at a certain moment. And trust me, I’m feeling very much attracted to you right now.”

Heat shot into your cheeks and your body became hot all over too. If you were honest, you wanted this too. So badly even. But you were afraid your needs would take over your senses and that the happiness would only last for so long, until you were alone again.

“And something tells me you feel it too.” Jaehyun grinned mischievously, and it suddenly dawned on you why getting involved with him felt so off-putting.

Because the Jaehyun he showed you now and the Jaehyun he presented to the world through his group were the same person - they knew they owned the charms and the looks, and that girls couldn’t resist them. 

He wasn’t perfect, but pretended to be. He might have even convinced himself he was. But you didn’t want to be another naive girl falling for this type of guy like your ex was.

“Goodnight, Jaehyun,” you told him and turned away from him to look for Seulgi and tell her that you would head home first.

Jaehyun didn’t follow you.

….

Jaehyun wasn’t the type of idol to sleep with fans. This had always been a no go for him. 

Despite the possibility of signing an NDA, fans would gossip, brag and tell their friends, eventually risking the idol’s reputation if their identity ever got revealed and their past relationship proven to be true. No, fans were out of the picture for him.

Jaehyun couldn’t take such a risk as he had the image of perfection to keep up. Being nearly scandal-free until now, he had publicly adapted to this role the company had applied to him. He didn’t allow a woman to tarnish his reputation that he had worked so hard for.

Idols and trainees on the other hand had the same things to lose as him, so they usually kept their mouths closed. They were the safer option if one wanted to explore romance or physical attraction.

If it stayed within the company, no one actually minded dating or whatever was going on between the employees as they trained in the same building and interacted on a regular basis. Even dating outside of this tight knitted industry was allowed as long as they wouldn’t get caught. But Jaehyun weighed himself safer within the company and made the most out of it. 

He had always been told to be handsome and attractive, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten casted, so getting the girls wasn’t a problem in the first place. What was a problem was actually keeping them. 

Jaehyun just didn’t want to keep anyone around.

….

“You’re going already?” Jaehyun heard the female trainee whisper from the couch as he was dressing himself up again. “No one will come here, so-”

“See you.” The next moment, he was out of the door. 

After you were gone, he had directly gone to the girl he had been with last time already, but admittedly only for distraction. There hadn’t been a woman who had ever dumped him. Until now. He just didn’t know whether he found it frustrating or rather… interesting.

“... You?”

You stood in the lobby, shuffling around awkwardly. “Whatever this is between is… it made me run the entire way back here. Someone said you have been gone for a while already, but I decided to stick around though and wait.” Your gaze then fell upon his shirt that was buttoned wrong and his hair that stuck out to all sides. “But I see, you already found what you were looking for in the end.” You spun around on your heels and started walking away.

“No!” Jaehyun ran down the stairs faster than your steps could carry you back to the exit. “Please wait!”

“What do you want from me, Jaehyun?” you then asked him seriously, shaking off his hand that he had placed on your shoulder. “I was about to give us a chance to explore this mutual attraction, but you just blew it up. So what makes you go after me now?”

“Okay… but we’re not committed to each other, so you shouldn’t even bother who I get involved with in the first place.”

He was right, but you just didn’t want to admit to that. You were only hurt that he had sworn to be so attracted to you and then let it all out with another woman. “Is it your common strategy? Hitting on a girl and then just moving on when you get rejected?”

“Perhaps?” he asked, partially stating. “Perhaps, it was also because your rejection threw me out of the loop, and I needed to prove to myself that it’s not me, but you.”

“What? Never gotten rejected by someone before?”

Rejections didn’t fit into Jaehyun’s perfect life. A perfect person didn’t get rejected by someone they desired, because what was there to even turn down?

“I- I mean you like Bruno Mars and records,” he stumbled over his words. “And we even kissed. And then you turned me down not even once, but twice. What should I think about it?”

“Maybe start off with the fact that not everything is about sex?”

He shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. And I care too little to get familiar with this topic, to be honest.”

You shrugged too. “I see. But as I implied, sometimes my morals are stronger than my desires. And such a moment is now.”

“Three’s a charm hm, dumping me?” Jaehyun was flabbergasted. “Come on, you just got here!”

“Because I thought you cared enough to stay focused on me at least! For one night!” you called him out, upset. “... But I was wrong.”

“You can’t expect someone like me to focus only on you.“ He scratched his head. “That’s just… not possible.”

“Because temptation lures in every corner, am I right?”

He didn’t respond, but that was enough of an answer to you. “Good night, Jaehyun.”

“That’s not it.”

You stopped in your tracks again. “Instead…?”

“Instead, it’s rather the fact that I can’t get involved with fans. I’m pretty much scandal free, so I can’t risk getting the word out that I’m sleeping around. It’s staying within the company, so I tried to get you out of my head, because I don’t know which category you belong to, and it’s messing with my head.”

“Nobody asks you to get involved with fans.” You shook your head. “There is not only black and white, not only idol and fan. And I’m neither an idol nor your fan.”

“Which category do you belong to then?”

“I’m just an ordinary girl.”

Jaehyun clenched his fists, knowing the moment you walked out of the entrance door that he had screwed up big time. Again.

On the other hand, he didn’t really bother as well at that moment. There were many girls awaiting him here, so why would he be chasing after someone he couldn’t have?

____

2019

“…and then Miyeon said-“ Soyeon stopped mid-sentence, realizing that Jaehyun wasn’t even listening. “Hello? What’s up?”

Jaehyun didn’t quite care about what Miyeon had said. He also didn’t quite care about Soyeon if he had to be honest, even though she was great. He had tried jumping into the dating pool after being urged by Taeyong, but he just wasn’t feeling it. 

Jaehyun yawned. “No, continue. I’m listening.”

“Okay, so Miyeon said-“

Jaehyun propped his elbow against the desk, placed his chin on his hand and averted his eyes back in the direction of the window, his thoughts drifting off once more. Since NCT 127 had come back from America, something inside of him had changed. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it though.

They had had a lot of fun in the States, so that wasn’t the problem here. The fun had included wild party nights and sneaking foreign girls into their rooms who didn’t know who they truly were, visiting different cities and doing something that felt close to vacation every now and then.

They also had had a lot of success. The group had stood on big stages, had been guests in popular shows, and had even walked along the red carpet at award shows. Their popularity was skyrocketing, getting more recognition in the west, and they had achieved everything they had only fantasized of back in trainee days.

Whenever Jaehyun stood on the stage, he felt like a king, and the crowd was his nation. At moments like that, when the spotlight was on him, he felt like all those years of hard training, suffering mentally and physically, and pulling himself together again and again, finally paid off. All his hardships were forgotten and there was only him, living his dream. His life was perfect.

So why was it that Jaehyun was still not content after realizing he had everything a young man his age with the same ambitions could ask for?

Perhaps, it was because after the lights went off and the members separated, he returned to a dark hotel or dorm room, feeling entirely alone with a gap in his heart that was so deep, not even the cheerful laughters of friends or one night stands were able to fill it. 

„We should end this,“ Jaehyun then blurted out.

„What?“

„You and me, here,“ he explained monotonously. „Let’s end this.“

Soyeon blinked in confusion. „We’ve only been dating for two months. Why would we end this already?“

Because he didn’t see this going anywhere. Because, in the months they had been dating, he could count on one hand how often they had seen each other. Because, when he had been overseas, he had never thought about her. 

Jaehyun wasn’t an expert with relationships, but he assumed this was not how they should work. Instead, he said, “I’m just not interested in dating anyone at the moment. I don’t have the time to spare. I’m sorry.”

Soyeon arose from the bed, and Jaehyun moved his head to make eye contact with her.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad though.” She shrugged. “It would have been nice if this would have worked out. Because you know, Jaehyun… we idols can never be with people who idolize us. I hope you think about this thoroughly.“

“There are not only idols and fans,” he stated, summoning words he had been told earlier this year. “There are ordinary people as well.”

“I didn’t count them in, because they rarely withstand the pressure we idols bring along.” Soyeon grabbed her bag and walked to the door. “Seriously… don’t drag a poor girl into our world. You’ll only ruin her.”

“What would you know?” he unwillingly snapped.

But Soyeon wasn’t bothered. “We all try at some point.”

Jaehyun didn’t put further thoughts into her words and brushed them off as futile when a face popped into his mind of which he hadn’t thought in a long time.

The girl he had once felt so attracted to but missed his chance not only twice, but on three occasions. He suddenly wondered where you were, what you were doing and whether the attraction would still be there if you two would run into each other again.

Jaehyun then pulled out his phone and opened his private chat with Seulgi. It consisted of zero messages between the two of them, that was how distanced they actually were. Yet, he still decided to text her.

____

“You know I only agreed to meet you, because Seulgi asked me to.” You sipped on your coke, watching Jaehyun with wary eyes.

“Yes, and I want to thank you for that.”

“You have to thank Seulgi.”

“I already did.”

He hadn’t touched his Americano, but just proceeded to stare at it, avoiding eye contact with you at all cost. You hadn’t missed the skepticism in the waitress’ eyes when she had brought you the beverages as she had to look at Jaehyun twice and even turned around on her way back once again to make sure that her mind had not fooled her. Jaehyun had ignored it.

“So, what’s the matter?” He was sitting opposite of you as you asked. “It’s been more than half a year since we’ve last seen each other.”

Jaehyun fiddled with his fingers that he had rested on his lap. “Did you see anyone during this time?”

“Why would that be any of your business?”

He cleared his throat. “I toured through Japan, America, Thailand and parts of Europe this year, as you might know. I had everything in front of me that I worked so hard for. The fame, the success. In America, I went to red carpets, award shows, TV shows… It has always been my dream to do all that. When I first came back in May, I even started dating someone I thought was perfect for me as she is an idol as well. I had all that. My life was perfect. And it still wasn’t enough for me.”

Even though he was speaking seemingly nonchalantly, there was a sad undertone in his voice. Jaehyun certainly knew how to conceal his true feelings, and it made you feel that he considered it to be necessary to do this in front of you as well.

“What went wrong?” you wanted to know.

“I realized how fading it all was. The spotlight doesn’t last for long. When you’re a trainee, nobody tells you what will happen when the lights go off. Nobody prepares you for what will happen once the darkness comes. And damn, is that darkness deep. And so endless. A few hours of spotlight just don’t make up for hours, days and months of darkness.”

You weren’t a celeb, but you could understand what he was feeling. Many people looked down on idols, laughing off their career and deeming it not even being a true job. But the idol life was a hard one with hours and hours of training of which one couldn’t even be sure whether all the blood, sweat and tears would pay off eventually. You had seen Seulgi going through all of this.

“What about the other guys?” you questioned. “I’m pretty sure you’re all there to support each other as well.”

Jaehyun chuckled bitterly. “We’re 23 people in the whole group. That’s like an entire classroom. How many people did you naturally get along with in your class back then in high school?”

“Perhaps, only a handful. My friends.”

“Exactly. Some, you can turn to when you feel down, but they are not there all the time and they have their own problems too that you cannot make your own, because the burden will be too much. The majority, you just want to punch in the face because they get on your nerves. Others, you simply avoid altogether.”

Seulgi was very lucky to be in a group with only a couple of girls who got along all the time, more or less. You couldn’t imagine how it was for Jaehyun with more than twenty other guys. 

“And the girl you dated?”

He smiled, and it somehow stung. “She’s pretty, talented and a very good person. Characteristics you rarely find in idols all combined. But she travels around very often as well and has so many projects going on. She was there when I wasn’t, and I was there when she wasn’t. That’s why so many relationships between idols fail. We barely have time. We can’t make each other’s darkness go away.”

You nipped on your coke again. Jaehyun’s glass now consisted of more water than coffee. “What did you call me here for exactly, Jaehyun?”

He sucked in a rush of air. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“Which question?”

He locked your gazes, finally. “Did you see someone in the past months?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Finally, he led the straw to his mouth, taking a sip, but not pushing the topic further. Nevertheless, the air was still heavy, and you decided to clear it.

“But I’m not anymore.”

Jaehyun looked up, his eyes sparkling. 

“Two rules,” you made clear.

“I’m listening.”

“You text me at least once a day. Not because I want to surveille you, but because I just want to know you’re alive and well, and thinking of me despite your busy schedule.”

He chuckled shyly. “Lately, I’ve been thinking of you all the time, so that’s a given.”

You flushed a bit and lowered your voice to shield your conversation from the other customers. “Second rule… And I know you’re not going to like this, but the second rule is no sex.”

“What?” he whispered in disbelief, eyes widening and leaning over the table closer to you as though he was sure he had misheard. “Are you being serious?”

“I want you to prove to me that you’re serious about me,” you whispered back. “That you don’t only want me for sex, and if we have sex, that you don’t end things right after you got what wanted. I’m not such a girl, Jaehyun. And I don’t want such a man. If you’re not okay with this, we don’t have to do this.”

“No, no, no!” he directly dismissed. “It’s okay. I’m okay with this.” 

He nodded with much determination, and you could see the sincerity in his eyes. He was in for all of it, and you would lie if you acted like you weren’t surprised by his reaction. Jaehyun truly meant it.

“Let me add something…” you backpedaled for clarification. “No sex until I’m ready for it. Better?”

But he didn’t object. “Whatever rules you set.”

“Can I add another one?”

“You’re on a roll now?” he asked skeptically.

“I want you to take me out on a date. A real date.”

The corners of his lips tilted up. “This, I can do too. Can I add a rule as well?”

“Go ahead.”

“In private, call me Yuno, like my real name. When I’m with you, I don’t want to be Jaehyun.”

What he implied was that in private, he wanted to be vulnerable, who he truly was, not an idol. You gladly accepted that.

“Okay, Yuno.”

As you addressed him by his real name, smiling so sweetly and genuinely, Jaehyun thought that, for the first time, he could imagine wanting to keep someone around.

____

You weren’t dense. You knew that dating an idol wouldn’t be like dating any other guy.

With any other guy, you could walk around freely where crowds were, holding hands. With any other guy, you could spontaneously meet up after work, several times a week. With any other guy, you could take couple pictures and post them online, on your public account.

Dating Jaehyun wasn’t any of the above. 

But you weren’t just any girl either.

You didn’t complain when he had to cancel plans last minute, because he was too tired to get up again. You didn’t hold it against him when you were always the one having to drive into his neighborhood. You also didn’t interfere when the manager was adamant about following you everywhere.

Jaehyun made up for all of this more than anyone before him by being the sweetest boyfriend one could ask for.

Little by little, you got to know the person behind this idol mask, the person behind ‘Jaehyun’. The person you called ‘Yuno’ in private. A person you could really imagine falling in love with deeply not far from now.

Because this person truly was not perfect. And that was what made him so loveable for you.

____

Today, Jaehyun was off work, so for the first time in two weeks, you actually had an entire day to yourselves, and it would be the last one before he’d take off to New York for the Global Citizen Festival. 

Even though you had gone on short dates before, such as grabbing a coffee and sitting in the park or movie evenings at your place, Jaehyun had promised that this one would be your first real date together, just as he had promised to you when you had agreed on going out.

What you hadn’t expected was for him to take you to Seoul Children’s Grand Park.

“Is it okay?” he asked you hesitantly as you stood in the queue at 10am in the morning. “I thought…”

You nodded and let your fingers slip into his palm as you moved forward in the queue. “It’s totally okay. I understand.”

Any other guy wouldn’t have taken you to a children's theme park, but this was where Jaehyun and you could roam around freely without hiding and him wearing more of a disguise than a cap. As mainly families visited the park with their lively kids, they wouldn’t be keen on getting info on who this stranger was if they would ever grow suspicious at all. It was the perfect spot to spend an entire day away from the turmoil that usually surrounded him.

Jaehyun let out a rush of air. “Then I’m relieved.”

“Who said we cannot have fun here as well?” You gently nudged him. “I’m sure it’ll be the best day ever!”

You hadn’t pegged Jaehyun as the goofy guy. During the short span of weeks that you had been dating so far, you had gotten a glimpse of the part that wasn’t manipulatively charming and self-centered. This Jaehyun now was light-hearted, making jokes and laughing all the time as though he had no care in this world. 

This Jaehyun was whole-heartedly happy. 

“What is it?” he asked you, smiling against the sun, having to blink. 

“Nothing,” you said and squeezed his hand. “You’re scrunching up your nose when you laugh. It’s so cute.”

You had just disembarked from a ride and Jaehyun had been laughing next to you the entire time. You hadn’t wanted the ride to end just to continue to listen to him laughing as you harbored the feeling that he hadn’t been able to do so as much lately, so you wanted to be this person to him.

“Stop,” he urged and covered the lower half of his face with the back of his hand, and you noticed how his cheeks as well as the tips of his ears turned pink. 

You chuckled. “Come on, I want to see the animals!”

You moved through the groups of families and their children, and despite Jaehyun having been very tense in the beginning, always controlling whether someone was watching you or on the brink of recognizing him, he had slowly started to relax when he noticed that no one paid the slightest attention to you two.

“Is it hard?” you then wanted to know as you studied the elephants with kids of different ages screaming right next to you by the balustrade. But you didn’t mind. “Not quite being able to go where you want as you might get recognized?”

“I can go wherever I want and whenever I want,” Jaehyun clarified. “Most of the time, people don’t care, the majority of them only watch. We’re only human with daily tasks as well. Seldomly, someone takes a secret photo and spreads it, very rarely, they ask for autographs and other things personally. Sometimes, it’s annoying, but it comes with my job, so it doesn’t bother me most of the time as long as they respect our privacy. It’s only when I’m with a girl that things can get heated.”

“Sure.” One elephant was blowing water at a smaller one. The children were rejoicing. “Your fans would probably give you hell if it ever makes headlines.”

“When you date someone, with the staff, sasaengs and friends around, it’s a given that there is a group of people who know and they tell the people they know and so on. That’s how gossip arises, but as long as it doesn’t make headlines and you’re on Dispatch’s good side, you’re okay. But I don’t want you to only be okay.”

You tilted your head, now turning around to face him. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not an idol, neither a staff or a trainee. You don’t have anything to do with this world and I want it to stay this way. I want you to be safe.” He glanced down at you, the look in his eyes imprenetable. “I don’t want my girlfriend to become the target of hate, that’s why I want to protect your identity at all costs. I want to do it right this time.”

You weren’t a hillbilly. You had seen what had happened when it got revealed that Kai was dating Krystal. And when Baekyhun was dating Taeyeon. The hate that flooded through online communities and were discussed for weeks all over the internet - and they were very popular and beloved idols. It warmed your heart that Jaehyun wanted to spare you from all of this as well. 

But wait, had he just called you…?

“It’s not easy, being with me,” he continued as though he hadn’t just put a label on you two. “And with you, it’s probably going to be extra hard. But I don’t want my life to ruin yours, to ruin what we’re just trying to build. I just need to know you’re fully on it as well.”

With a smirk, you challenged him, “Build what?”

“A…” He gulped. “... a serious relationship.”

You had all along known that behind the playboy side of his that he had shown you first, there was a goofy, endearing person hidden, that was the reason why you had agreed on going out with him in the first place. This was the person you had hoped to be there all along, the person you wanted.

So right in the middle of screaming children who their parents tried to calm, you grabbed Jaehyun by his collar and lifted yourself up to your toes. This surrounding was shielding you perfectly from unwanted attention as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him.

“I still won’t sleep with you,” you then announced in secrecy when you parted.

“It’s okay. I’ll wait,” he replied patiently, his hands around your waist.

Dating Jaehyun wasn’t like dating any other guy. But dating Jaehyun was just as fun. 

And Jaehyun, for the first time, wanted to keep someone around.

____

“Hey, come in.”

“Hi Jungwoo. I’m not gonna stay for long. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Your palms were sweating as Jungwoo giggled. “Stay for as long as you want. We’ve only recently moved in, so enjoy the cleanliness for now, because it’s not going to stay this way for much longer.”

You weren’t sure why you were so nervous, why you were even covered in a thin sheet of sweat just because you had gotten invited to Jaehyun’s group’s dorm for the first time, but Jungwoo’s shy bubbliness and kind aura quickly put you at ease.

It had been three months since you and Jaehyun started dating, and he was going to leave for Japan soon. Since he had to get up early the day after and the place where he had spent the day was closer to his dorm, it was a given that you would meet him at his own home. 

Jaehyun was still deliberately following the texting rule, no matter how late it was, where he would travel to shortly after and wherever in the world he was currently residing. And lately, he had been in Spain and back in the US, the time difference putting a strain on your occasional facetime calls, but you had still managed to do it as often as possible.

Despite his busy life, he was always putting you first.

“Follow me, his room is over there. No worries, it’s all his.”

You found yourself anxiously looking to your right and left, afraid to encounter any of the other boys - the source of your nervousness. You weren’t prepared to meet all of them and already felt a lump in your throat when you heard different voices from what seemed like the living and kitchen area. But to your reassurance, Jungwoo came to a stop right before that space.   

“This one.” He opened the door for you. “Make yourself at home. You want to drink something?”

You shook your head. “Thank you.”

“Okay. Call me if you need anything!”

He closed the door behind him, and, in the safety of Jaehyun’s room, you felt all the strain getting lifted off your shoulders. As you looked around, you recognized everything from the relay cam published the month prior on the group’s youtube channel.

There, to your left, was the cabinet with all his stuff like his Marshall music box, his vinyl records and the Mickey Mouse sitting on the top shelf. In front of the big window stood his desk along with the keyboard and his computer. Next to it, another standing keyboard, followed by his bed to your right. 

Jaehyun loved listening to vinyls, using analog cameras, drinking wine and playing the piano. It was a soft, private side he also showed his fans in his vlogs, a fragment of who he really was, deep inside. In his videos, he appeared as such a comfort person, entirely different from the young man you had encountered last year and luckily came out more and more around you.

But what differed him from the person everyone else got to see was that you also knew the Jaehyun who was off-camera. The one not so pressured to uphold a perfect facade, who broke through the stark mask every now and then.

Yuno, who called you, sobbing because he had reached a dead end with a song he was composing. Yuno, who wanted to be desperately hugged by you, because he felt so lonely. Yuno, who raised his voice because everything was going wrong with his day.

His fans didn’t have to see. And you were always there to clean up the mess he had left, sweeping up the remains of his emotional outbursts, because from the outside, he had an image to keep up. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be possible. Shared baggage wasn’t as heavy. And always, you willingly and happily did that - for him.

As you walked across the room, you spotted a few sheets spread across his desk over the keyboard. You didn’t want to peek, but got your attention drawn to them by the vivid colors, and you frowned as you read your name on two of the documents.

They were flight initiaries to Tokyo. And the third one, a bit smaller but thicker by paper, was an entry ticket to their respective concert.

“Oh damn. It should have been a gift.”

You hadn’t heard how he had walked into the room and shifted around to him, the ticket in your hand now, asking in near disbelief, “What’s this?” as though you didn’t already know.

“You’re joining me in Tokyo!”

“You’re nuts!” you objected, still not believing it. “I have a job, I have to ask for a time off first. What if it won’t get through? Then this would go to waste!”

Jaehyun threw his head back and laughed. Then, he approached you and took the ticket out of your hand. “I know you’ve always wanted to visit Japan and see me on stage. So why not combine these two, and why not in February when there is the opportunity?”

“My boss is a witch, I told you all the stories about her, weren’t you listening?” You already imagined her anguished face, horror striking your face. “Oh god, I can hand in my two weeks notice tomorrow when I tell her about this.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jaehyun brushed it off confidently. “I already called your workplace. No important meetings on these dates. Your vacation days will be officially approved by tomorrow.”

“Are you being serious?” You raised your brow in suspicion, not allowing your skeptical and worrying self to feel joy yet. “Or is this a joke?”

“Do you or do you not see your name right there?” He held the flight initiatives out in front of you. 

“How did you get my passport number?” 

“I didn’t send you to go grab the ordered food for nothing that day.”

“You’re-” The words got caught in your throat, because you felt tears aching behind your eyes.

“Awesome? Unbelievable? The best boyfriend ever?”

“I wanted to say stupid.” You swallowed it all down. “Stupidly awesome. But the title ‘best boyfriend’ also fits.”

“Well, that’s what I wanted to hear.”

Finally, you wrapped your arms around his neck and Jaehyun spun you around, the both of you laughing. 

You had talked about finances after some weeks of dating already since the discrepancy between your monthly salaries was almost impossible to put into words. But despite Jaehyun always offering, you were adamant about only doing and achieving things you could afford as you never ever wanted to grow dependent on a man.

But Jaehyun didn’t mind grand gestures every now and then. Just like this one.

“You know I’m going to reward you greatly for this, right?” you asked him quietly as he placed you back on the ground.

It took Jaehyun a few moments of obliviousness until you observed the question marks slowly vanishing from his eyes and the innocent look in them getting replaced with one that was auspicious, and a tid bit sinister.  

Oh, he wanted that reward. So bad.

You had never talked about sex again, and he had never asked about it in return. Despite having come close to it again and again when a reunion session got too heated, Jaehyun had never pushed for more when you weren’t the one making the first step.

Now, being sure that it wasn’t only about this one thing for him and that he was fully ready to commit, you wanted to prove to him that you were ready for it as well by giving him the one thing he hadn’t been able to get yet.

With a swift motion, Jaehyun had swooped you off the ground, and you were bouncing on the bed the next moment, him on top of you, lips close to your ear, and whispering,

“I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

You wanted to know. So bad.

____

“I’ve never waited so long for a girl before,” Jaehyun whispered through gritted teeth as he hastily, with trembling fingers, fiddled with the hem of your shirt. “But you made it all worth it.”

You bit your bottom lip. “You don’t know yet, and I don’t want to disappoint you as you've waited for so long.”

He halted and locked gazes with you, putting his forehead to yours. “I’m not talking about sex only. I’m serious. You’re not boring. You’re not stuck-up. You don’t drool over me. You see me as who I am, and you’re still with me. You make everything worth it.”

His words turned you on so much that you slid your thigh over his lap, turned over and straddled him. “Please sleep with me right now,” you almost begged and fisted his t-shirt. You wanted him even more if that was possible. “Or I-”

But Jaehyun didn’t let you finish your sentence. His hands fell to your hips and pressed your body closer to his groin as his lips finally met yours in a passionate kiss that was long overdue. He was propped up on his hands while you were holding his neck and then bent in to deepen the kiss with the use of your tongue.

Suddenly, you pulled away in shock as you heard people passing by the door, laughing audibly as though they were standing right next to you.

“Yeah, the walls here are paper thin, sorry about that. But usually, nobody barges in just like that.”

You shifted your attention back to Jaehyun, deliberately diving into his mouth again, but you were still able to clearly hear the laughter and conversations only feet away from where you were about to do the deeds - all while Jaehyun moved from your mouth to your neck, growing more greedy and impatient.

His fingers dug into your hips and he growled lowly against your skin as he kissed along your collarbone. Willingly, you lifted your arms and let him slide off your shirt, shivering lightly against the coldness that immediately hit your shoulders, but was replaced by the warmth of Jaehyun’s mouth right after. 

He pressed you down on him, hard, and you rubbed against the thickness between your legs, barely noticing the straps of your bra slipping along your arms and exposing your bare breasts. Heat swirled in your belly, making your clit throb and your body craving him so badly, you didn’t think you could wait for much longer.

“Give it back!”

“HAHAHAHAHA, NEVER!”

Your body stiffened and you caught a glimpse at the door which was still closed, luckily. It felt like the boys had run right through your room! You wanted to ask Jaehyun whether there was a key to put you at ease for a bit, but you melted into him the next moment when he grabbed your left nipple between his teeth, sending shocks right down to your nether regions.

You moaned when his palms were placed flat on your back and you arched your spine, angling into his body as he bent forward and sucked the whole peak of your breast into this mouth. Forgotten were the voices and the people running back and forth outside of the room. Your eyes fluttered closed as Jaehyun’s tongue, hot and wet, came out and swirled the pebble of your nipple.

Laugher crossed the comfortable quietness in the room again that had only consisted of the nearly audible moans and growls of you two before. You tried to shift your head, but Jaehyun now turned his attention to your other nipple, dragging it out by his teeth, and then teased you by nibbling the entire breast.

“What if someone comes in?” you whispered, but your interruption was pathetic in this situation, and Jaehyun knew.

He sucked hard, stretching your skin. You grinded against his groin so desperately, you felt it tickle and wet between your legs already - and you were not even entirely undressed yet! You rolled your hips, rubbing fast on him, your fingers tugging on the hem of his t-shirt, and Jaehyun stilled for a moment to let you take it off for him.

He then pulled you back against him, your faces on level. One of his hands slipped down your back to grab your ass, and you let out a squeal, hushing right after as footsteps passed by the door. You gazed into his eyes, saw the passion, the lust, and you knew that all your concerns were irrelevant. 

You would do it right here and now, no matter how loud and heavy it would get, no matter who could hear you. You would do it right now, and no one and nothing would be able to stop you from it. 

“Please,” you muttered, palming his chest with your hands. “I don’t want to wait anymore.”

Jaehyun expelled a short breath as he had wanted to prolong the foreplay a bit more, but he didn’t need to be asked twice to hurry up. Wrapping an arm around your waist, he flipped you onto your back, and you let out a small gasp along the way, excited and nervous at the same time. 

“Your wish is my command.”

Jaehyun got on his knees, gazing down at you. You unbuttoned your jeans, sliding them over your hips, then your legs. His eyes didn’t waver from you as you revealed your black panties, and he licked his lips. Slowly, he slid his fingers up your thighs and hooked them into the waistband of your undies.

“At any other occasion, I would take my fair time with you,” Jaehyun admitted. “But right now, I can’t wait anymore either.”

Your black panties landed on top of your other clothes at the side of the bed along with Jaehyun’s jeans and boxers. He reached into a small drawer that was hidden in the headboard and pulled out a condom that he then rolled on, the wrapper getting lost on the floor as well. 

“But we have to be quiet, okay?” you tried again as someone outside had seemingly randomly started to play the piano. “We’ll try.”

“Sure.” Jaehyun positioned himself between your thighs, a smile curling a corner of his mouth. You hadn’t been able to take a detailed look at his hard-on yet from your position, but it already felt like it was a lot to take in. “We’ll try.” Why did it seem like he wouldn’t even want to try? 

Your hair was fanned out on the pillow beneath you as he came down to you and pressed between your legs. Thrusting his hips slowly and steadily, he worked inside of you, and you groaned, stretching while he was sinking into you. Your cheeks heated up and you threw your head aside as Jaehyun was going deeper and deeper, burying himself to the hilt.

“Oh,” Jaehyun sucked in a rush of air, his face twisted. “It feels so good.”

You shared the same thought as him as he lowered his body closer to you, your nipples brushing his chest. Without thinking, you bent your knees and spread your legs wider, your heels digging into the mattress.

Jaehyun kissed you, but before you had time to savor that feeling of fleeting peace before he would rock your entire world, he had already pulled out and thrusted right back into you.

“Oh, god.”

You looked up, witnessing Jaehyun enjoying the act himself as he grabbed for the headboard to give him support while his thrusts got harder and faster, moving in and out of you. The muscles in his arms were bulging and tight as they strained in the attempt to hold his position, the muffled voices of people in the background nearly entirely faded.

That was until you noticed that the bed was creaking. Very loudly. “The bed,” you breathed in between thrusts, worried. “We have to go slower.”

But Jaehyun just groaned, dropped his head and silenced you with his lips. Instead of going slower, he only went harder. Your breasts bounced back and forth, and whimpers fell from your lips that only transitioned to higher tones, challenging the noise the bed was currently making. 

“Go slow,” you still tried to plead, but you weren’t sure anymore whether you had even audibly uttered these words.

You totally forgot about the noise around you. At some point, when your head was so clouded, filled with passion and lust, you just didn’t care anymore. Instead, you pulled Jaehyun deeper with every thrust, rolling your hips to meet his rhythm and moaning at the pleasure of him filling you.

Jaehyun slid a hand under your bum and nestled in farther, grunting as he went on even rougher, your whole body shaking and thus the entire bed with you. Loud creaks mixed with your own sounds of pleasure as you begged him to go faster, deeper, rarely having felt this good in your life.

“Yes, yes! Please, don’t stop!” you cried lowly as you felt an orgasm crest.

He thrusted in and out of you again and again, sweat forming on his forehead, but his rhythm was steady, the strength in his arms holding the position and not giving in. His length nudged far inside you, and you cried out, loud this time, breaking loose and coming as your walls clenched around him.

“Oh, f-”, Jaehyun groaned as he pushed one more time and then stopped, his body stiffening on top of yours and his arms straining, bringing forward his veins.

You ran a hand up his back, feeling the sheen of sweat as you both came down from your highs, overly exhausted, but over the top happy. And you both beamed.

When you later left the dorm that night, hoping to not get caught by someone after what you had done merely an hour before, you still found a member, Yuta, as a matter of fact, standing in the corridor and winking at you.

Well…

____

2020

After Jaehyun returned from Japan, NCT 127 was preparing for their comeback with ‘Kick it’ along with the release of their second Korean studio album ‘Neo Zone’. You had hoped that, with their first world tour concluded, Jaehyun’s life would slow down a bit, his world spinning a bit less fast. But you were wrong. 

NCT 127 was climbing up the ladder of success and, amidst the comeback, they were to travel back and forth between the US and South Korea. You were truly, really happy for them, they had been working so hard for all of this. 

But you also couldn’t deny that Jaehyun’s announcement of their second world tour starting in North America in June came along with a bland aftertaste for you. 

____

“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun asked you.

His blue hair shimmered in the sunset getting reflected in your bedroom. Tomorrow was the comeback stage of ‘Kick it’, so he wasn’t able to stay for long as he had to get up very early.

Throughout the past months, he hadn’t neglected rule number one even for one day. Between recording, practice and other schedules, he still found time to text you or even call shortly, so you didn’t know why it even bothered you that he would now start having even less than the little time he usually was able to spare.

You felt very selfish, demanding so much, even though it was probably the bare minimum for such a relationship. But this was Jeong Jaehyun, not any other guy. So you swallowed the real reason and only informed him, “From now on, you don’t have to text me everyday, okay?”

Jaehyun pulled his brows together. “You don’t want me to text you anymore?”

You had seen him on stage. He knew what he was capable of, so did everyone else, including you. “It’s not like that…”

When the Yuno you knew turned into Jaehyun, the idol, the stage was his home. He loved the spotlight, he loved his occupation, he loved his fans. Every motion he executed, every note he hit, every gaze he shot to the crowd was well thought-out and touched perfection. Partially, this job was his passion, but much more, it was also work. Only on the stage, he could let go and ride on the wave of his fame. He was born to be in the spotlight, and there was no place for you to interfere in any means. 

“It’s just…” You shrugged. “I don’t want to be a distraction to you, you know.”

“You think you’re my distraction?” He got up from the bed and approached you to kneel in front of you on the floor. “You’re my biggest motivation, that’s the truth.”

Now, it was you who was frowning. “What do you mean by that?”

“I know my fans love me no matter what, and I appreciate their dedication and love, they’re my motivation too. Whatever I do, they solemnly celebrate their idol, and I can count myself lucky they always have my back. I’m talking about the good fans here, though.” He sucked in a rush of air. “But whenever I'm on stage, I’m afraid that I'll get lost again. Lost in this world, in this part of me that I keep caged and only let out when I’m in the spotlight. The part of me that relishes the stage a bit too much. Because that’s not really me anymore. I don’t want to return to being this person.”

You had seen Jaehyun in Japan. And you could understand why his fans went crazy over him. On stage, he radiated so much confidence and sexual appeal that you almost felt jealous of all the girls seeing the same in him as you and fell in love with him all overagain at the same time.

But Jaehyun at home wasn’t like that. He watched Money Heist in his checkered pajama bottoms, wore thick glasses as otherwise he wasn’t able to see, and currently spent as much time in the fitness studio as possible as he felt insecure about his build.

“In a crowd of ten thousands of people, it’s so easy to turn invisible,” he continued, “but I always search for you until I find you. Even when you’re not physically there, I sing a song and think about you, and you appear in my mind.”

You averted your eyes, touched by his words and letting his voiced concerns sink in. “What are you saying…”

“I’m saying…” He took your hands into his. “That because of you, I can be who I truly want to be, who I actually am, not this cocky asshole from the past. You keep me grounded, you bring out the best part of me. And while my fans don’t bring out the worst part of me, they’re always on the brink of luring it out, and it’s so tempting to me.”

From what Jaehyun had told you, at one point, he had wished to have a relationship with his fans like Taeyong did. More like friends with a mutual understanding, despite being fan and idol. His bandmate shared nearly everything with his beloved fans, so much that Jaehyun sometimes jokingly described it as a parasocial relationship.

But that was the difference between idols like Jaehyun and idols like Taeyong. Jaehyun kept everyone not privately involved with him at an arm's-length, because he didn’t want to disappoint anyone when he acted out of the box and not so perfect.

“You don’t always have to be perfect, Yuno.” You gently pressed his fingers together in a gesture of reassurance. “Even though they all expect it from you, it’s okay to be you every now and then. Especially around me. I don’t do perfect anyway. I want you to know that.”

“What happened to Taeyong predebut… It nearly destroyed him,” he admitted quietly. “I don’t want that to happen to me. Perfection is not only my image, it’s my shield.”

You dismissed the topic about Taeyong’s scandal quickly. Nobody in their dorm was allowed to talk about what had happened back then ever again, and you didn’t want to break this rule out of respect. “And now, he’s so loved and successful, coming out even stronger. He’s found his passion, his purpose in life. Flaws don’t make you unlovable, Yuno. I love every single one of your flaws, and I’m sure your fans would too.”

Jaehyun nudged his face between your thighs and you let your fingers run between his soft, blue hair that now reminded you of lapis lazuli. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Okay.” Then, quietness followed before he bluntly blurted, “You said you love me.”

You bit your tongue. “I said I love your flaws.”

“Which is technically the same,” he muffled into the fabric of your pants.

It wasn’t, to be exact. But it didn’t matter, because this was true, too.

Your palm still rested on the back of his head. Perhaps, that was the reason he wasn’t able to face you. It let things slip easier from your lips. You were thankful for that at this moment. 

“Yes. I do. I love you.”

It was the first time that you told him this despite feeling it for quite a while already. You hadn’t expected to eventually come around, but now that you had, you were afraid of him not feeling the same, not being capable of feeling the same.

But after everything he had told you before, you knew that these doubts were unreasonable.  

He loved you too. What was there to worry about in the end?

You bent down and placed a kiss on the top of his head. Taking you by surprise, Jaehyun rose at the same moment and grabbed you by your neck, pulling you close to him so that your foreheads almost touched, strands of his lapis lazuli colored hair in your vision.

“I love you too.”

____

“He won’t come out.”

Taeyong and Jungwoo stood in front of Jaehyun’s room when you arrived, worry etched into their faces. If they both weren’t able to get him out, how would you?

The day before, news broke out that Jaehyun, along with Eunwoo, Jungkook and Mingyu had gone out together on April 25 to the dawn of April 26, visiting three locations in Itaewon - right after Covid restrictions of the first wave had eased. And people were furious.

You didn’t even remember that day anymore as you hadn’t seen each other before or after. Between comeback preparations and mc-ing, Jaehyun was busy as hell, and you let him enjoy his free time with his friends too, even though sometimes, you felt like you weren’t one of his top priorities anymore. But all of this didn’t matter at this moment.

“It’s the first big blow up he’s experiencing,” Taeyong explained to you with a low voice. “It’s currently too much for him to process and handle.”

“How am I supposed to help if you aren’t able to?” you wanted to genuinely know.

The main problem didn’t lie with the fact that they had visited the etablissements amidst the government’s advice to distance themselves socially. Though this was considered a problem too, of course.

The entire internet was furious that these young men hadn’t isolated themselves after someone, who had visited etablissements in the same area a week later, was officially tested positive for Covid. Thus, the government had recommended all visitors of this neighborhood between April 24 and May 6 to isolate themselves at home. 

But no such thing had happened to the guys as they had carried on with their schedules as usual. Of course they had taken Covid tests, and you had too just in case, and they had all turned out negative.

But the internet was merciless.

“Did you talk to him yesterday?” Jungwoo asked.

You shook your head. The day this scandal surfaced was the first day Jaehyun hadn’t ever texted you nor picked up your calls. That was why you had connected with Taeyong and came here directly.

“Whatever I want to say… It doesn’t seem like it’s the right thing. I want to be careful, thinking about every word, wanting to encourage him. But I’m afraid, with what I have to say, I might hurt him even more despite not wanting to.”

“The most important thing is to not judge,” Taeyong recommended. “Whether it was right or wrong, he knows himself after having an emergency meeting with the management yesterday. You know what kind of person he is. Just… believe in him.”

“It’s a tough time for all of us since tomorrow is the comeback, and he has to face the entire world in that vlive.”

You looked at Jungwoo who had last spoken, now feeling even more discouraged, and your shoulders dropped. “This is not really my forte, you know. I’ve never experienced something like this, nor did I go through this with someone. I can just offer… myself.”

“But that’s enough.”

“I don’t know whether my presence is enough to soothe his heart, Taeyong. He apparently doesn’t need me. Or better say, he doesn’t want me here.”

“He may think he doesn’t need you, but deep inside, during hard times, the people we love are all we need. We try to push them away, cocooning ourselves in the comfort of loneliness and isolation when everything we need is the warmth of familiar arms wrapped around us in protection.”

The words spurting out of this man sometimes… No wonder he made his fans feel like they were actually acquaintanced. You were enchanted, too. “Okay. I’ll get in.”

Jaehyun’s entire room was dark, his curtains pulled together, the lamps off. The only source of light came from the tiny slit in between the fabric by the window that wouldn’t close seamlessly, so only a tiny bit of sunlight streamed in. Jaehyun himself laid on his bed, the blanket pulled over his entire body, and he had his head turned to face the wall.

“Hey, it’s me. I’m coming in,” you announced and waited for a few heartbeats.

No protest from Jaehyun. You moved your head, nodded at Taeyong and Jungwoo, and pulled the door closed behind you. When you had entered the dorm, you had already taken off your shoes, but now you also slipped out of your jacket, and it fell to the floor with a rustle.

On tiptoes, you approached Jaehyun’s bed and lifted the edge of the blanket. He wore a black t-shirt and checkered pajama bottoms, seemingly not having changed since this night or the one before. He wasn’t protesting, so you silently laid yourself next to him onto the mattress, pulling the covers back over you both.

Jaehyun’s body was warm, and you heaved up your left arm to drape it over his torso, nestling yourself against him and inhaling his scent. For a few moments, it felt awkward to you as he wasn’t responding to any of your gestures, and you were asking yourself whether what you were doing was even right or whether you were only making a fool of yourself. 

But just as you were playing with the thought of leaving again, Jaehyun reached for your hand that had rested against his stomach and embraced your fingers with his palm, tightly. You let out a nearly vocal sigh of relief, closed your eyes and offered him your company like Taeyong had suggested.

At one point, you believed you had drifted off, so the voice was only faint, but you swore that he had said exactly these words,

“Thank you for being here.”

____

Withdraw from the group, Jaehyun. Don’t go on TV.

Just keep quiet, Jaehyun.

NCT’s Jaehyun, please keep to the social distancing guidelines.

Jaehyun, tell us some good restaurants in Itaewon.

Some hot places in Itaewon, too.

….

Jaehyun’s perfect image had gotten a crack.

On the vlive on comeback day, everyone acted normal, the jokes, everything. It wasn’t the first scandal NCT had faced, but the first one to involve their perfect main vocal all the girls were swooning over. That was why, on that specific day, they tried a bit harder.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun addressed the screen when he won the meat gifset, but he didn’t smile. He simply couldn’t bring himself to do so anymore as he had tried too hard in the past hour, and now all his energy had completely left him.

It had been hard for Jaehyun to force up a smile whenever he needed to speak to the camera, comments rolling over the screen, rendering his expressions icy. Usually, the section was filled with compliments on his good looks and other pleas for some kind of fanservice, but today, it was an endless stream of malicious comments. 

Or so it seemed to him.

….

That’s hilarious. Go eat your meat at a club, Jaehyun.

He’ll eat that with his Itaewon fam and girls.

….

Taeyong had had his hand on Jaehyun’s chair and shoulders at times when he spoke, letting him know that he was there for him even though he couldn’t see the leader as everyone had to face the screen. Haechan and Yuta had also mentioned his name quite a lot, encouraging him to answer the questions, even though they weren’t the mcs. Yuta, along with Mark, had also tried to include him in their stories. Especially the first, who laid more on the quiet site in live broadcasts, had seemed to be more enthusiastic to include Jaehyun despite sitting quite far away from him.

Jaehyun was really grateful for that, for his brothers.

Yet, when the entire vlive was over and the cameras shut off, Jaehyun couldn’t help but to let out an audible sigh of relief.

“Thank god,” was he only thinking, “it’s finally over.”

It was the first time that he thought that. Usually, he enjoyed comeback schedules as it was the busiest, but also one of the greatest times with fans. But right now, Jaehyun never wanted to see a single one of them again.

Next, Jaehyun noticed Taeyong’s palm was back on his shoulder in a secure gesture. “The comments… please don’t mind them. The majority were from our true fans and very supportive towards your situation. You okay?”

Last night, after you were gone, he had slept in Taeyong’s bed for the first time since trainee days. And despite the night before consisting of little to no sleep for him, it was nice to have someone familiar by his side again during such hard times, so that he had been able to close his eyes for a few hours.

Jaehyun shrugged. He knew there was no point in lying to Taeyong. They had known each other for so long, he’d sense it directly. 

“I just don’t know how to get over it.” A deep frown was forming a creak between his brows, his eyes glistening. “Tell me… will I ever get over it?”

To his dismay, Taeyong was smiling, but rather sadly, almost apologetically. “There are situations that are going to burn themselves into your soul. We live for great things and relish them, but hard times are the ones that threaten to rip apart who we are. You don’t have to let it get that far.”

Jaehyun couldn’t imagine that this deep pain that he felt would ever vanish. It came along with a certain agony and anxiety he had never experienced to this extent before. This turmoil of unfamiliar feelings was so strange to him that at times he felt like he wasn’t able to catch air.

Like right now.

“Jaehyun…?”

He gasped for air, but somehow, it wouldn’t find its way into his lungs. His heart was racing so fast, it felt like it was burning right in his chest. And the last time he remembered he had sweated so much was during dance practice, not after an hour of sitting.

Jaehyun felt like someone with an iron grip had embraced him and wouldn’t let him go anymore, constraining his mobility, the movement of his lungs. Or why else would it be so hard for him to breathe right now?

He started to panik.

“Tae-... I-... I can’t…”

“Okay, sit down.” Taeyong led him back to the chair, not letting go of his arm the entire time and seated himself on the stool next to him. “Yuta, please get a glass of water, quick.”

Taeyong was constantly carressing Jaehyun’s arm and shoulder, patting his back and whispering encouraging words to him that didn’t quite get through his haze of panik. He was shaking and murmuring that he was scared while Taeyong responded with even more carressing and encouraging words.

“Calm down. Breathe, calmly. It’ll be over soon. Listen. Slowly, draw breath through your nose. Count until four. Do you follow me? Okay… one… two… three… four. Hold your breath for seven seconds… six… five… four… three… two… one. Now breathe out through your mouth, but count until eight! One… two… three… four… five… six…. seven…. eight. Now repeat again. Breathe in…”

Half an hour passed by until Jaehyun could see clearly and breathe normally again. It was the first time that he had had a panic attack, and this only marked the beginning of several more.

That day, Jungwoo moved into Jaehyun’s room.

____

“Since Jungwoo moved in with him, he seems much better,” you told Seulgi, spinning in your small chair. It was the perfect metaphora to what was going on in your head.

It had been two weeks since your boyfriend’s scandal, and the internet had quickly forgotten. You had read online that people announced they would unstan NCT because of that, but that wasn’t something new to you, and the amount of people actually going through with it was so minuscule, it didn’t have an effect. 

The group’s released repackaged album ‘Neo Zone: The Final Round’ marked their best-selling album up to now and their first to exceed over one million total sales. Things were going well for the band despite the US tour they had been looking forward to so much getting temporarily postponed.

Everyone had seemed to move on. But Jaehyun had a hard time forgetting.

“His panic attacks still occur though, specifically shortly before he has to show himself in public. He fears he’s doing something wrong and then obsesses about it. Only his group members seem to be able to calm him down. I feel so… helpless.”

That was also the reason why he had stopped doing vlogs or going live. Jaehyun had never been the most approachable idol, but one could still see that he cared about his fans and that they were important to him, giving them tids and bits of himself.

Now, he had entirely shut down, because he didn’t want people to think he was self-centered and selfish. It had grown so important to him what the public thought about him as a person.

“It has quite an impact on your relationship, right?” Seulgi asked you compassionately.

You nodded. “Shutting himself off of the public meant shutting me out, too. He barely texts or even calls me, because he’s afraid people can track his record. He’s taken down his private instagram, because he’s scared it might get leaked. He only wants to meet in the dorm, because he’s afraid someone could follow him. His entire life has come to a standstill, including the parts where I play a role. Where I can understand all this and try to make his life as easy as possible, not triggering his attacks, it’s just… so hard, you know.”

“I probably don’t have to tell you that being with an idol is never easy. We’ve known each other too long for that,” Seulgi elaborated, whisking the spoon in her cup of tea and placing it back on the table. “What I want to tell you is that you should put an end to enabling. You might not be aware of this, but enabling behaviors are common when the partner suffers from a mental health condition. If your partner has anxiety, you may feel like you are being helpful if you are working to prevent them from feeling any distress. However, when you enable your partner, it prevents them from learning how to better manage their symptoms. Communicate with him about your expectations and needs. He surely wants you to as well.”

“I can tell him that I still need to communicate daily to check up on him?” you asked carefully.

Seulgi moved her head up and down so eagerly, her sleek strands stuck to the fabric of her t-shirt. 

“I can tell him that I think going out will be good for him?”

Again, a nod.

“And I can also tell him that I don’t want him to hide his attacks from me?”

“Absolutely!” Seulgi raised a finger. “And there is one more important thing.”

You widened your eyes. “Which is…?”

“Practice forgiveness.”

You didn’t know what she meant by that, and you voiced your insecurity.

“He might be angry with you for not understanding his condition. There might be times where you will feel like whatever you do is wrong. You cannot do everything right, all at once. And you, on the other hand, might get frustrated with him too. You might develop feelings of resentment, believing he doesn’t work hard enough to cope with it.” You already parted your lips to object, but Seulgi shook her head. “I know you think that you will never feel this way. But you’re wrong. At one point, we all do. And when you’re going to think this, you’re going to feel guilty. Then, you have to forgive him and forgive yourself as well.” 

You already felt guilty for having been mad at him once when he had canceled on you. Aside from still hiding his attacks from you, he still hadn’t explained to you what you should do when he might have a panic attack as he wanted to avoid having you witness that at all costs.

“Practice forgiveness,” you repeated. “I see.”

“It helps you let go of pent-up tension and anxiety, and you don’t even have to enable for that. I specifically said ‘practice’, because honestly, forgiving is easier said than done and mistakes from the past get carried around way too long.”

“Seulgi…” You cocked up your brow. “You sound as wise as Taeyong. It’s eerie.”

“Of course. We’re the bestest of company friends!”

____

Jaehyun typically tended to keep his thoughts and worries to himself. It was a long, emotional ride until you got him where you needed him to be with you: straight-forward, raw and achingly honest. 

There were times you talked until the crack of dawn, and even though you were not fighting in the conventional way, you were still raising your voices and crying. First, because everything seemed so frustrating. Then, because you felt like a huge burden had been lifted off the both of you.

With Covid merging into its second, graver wave, life slowed down again. Not only for ordinary people like you, but in the idol world as well. Jaehyun didn’t have to go anywhere anymore except for when mc-ing for Inkigayo, and he was already so settled there that he didn’t have problems being on camera.

Amidst a once so bright and hectic life, Jaehyun found beauty in the silence and peace earth had currently forced him into, probably at the right time for him.

He let time fix the crack in his perfect facade.

____

And here you were again, out in public, in hats and masks, but he was finally willing to meet somewhere else outside of his dorm, even if it was only in the park nearby. You had willingly waited for him to come for you, to make this decision himself.

Today, it was warm and sunny, but not many people were roaming around outside, so it was the perfect opportunity to get Jaehyun to adjust to public life again.

He wanted you to behave normally, not always asking how he was feeling about certain things or walking on eggshells around him. If you didn’t treat him normally, he wouldn’t know what normal was anymore, so you gave it your best as you walked around side by side, and also hand in hand as no one, except for a few elderly people, passed by you every now and then.

As you witnessed how Jaehyun was staying relaxed, you could let go of all the worries now as well. It was almost like before. Almost.

That was until you sensed his fingers cramping around yours, and his breathing now coming in hitches.

“Yun-” You stopped in your tracks. Then, you also heard the noises, most likely coming from young people around the corner. 

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun calmed you down, and his hand loosened around yours. “Somehow… it’s okay. It’s going away.”

“Really?”

Taeyong had taught you the breathing method that he usually practiced when Jaehyun had a panic attack again. You had studied it together with him thoroughly in case it would happen when you were together. You were prepared, you were ready to accompany him through this.

“Really.” And then, his breathing became normal again. “It passed by. For the first time… oddly, it just withdrew.”

“How come?” You bent your head in question. 

Jaehyun shrugged, but a soft smile was coming forward on his lips. “I don’t doubt that you play a huge part in calming the atmosphere. In keeping me calm. And that nature has this kind of effect on me too. It’s… healing.”

“I’m not doing anything,” you said, not quite understanding where this enlightenment came from.

But neither was Jaehyun. “I assume… that’s the two places where I feel comfortable and relaxed the most. With you. With nature.”

You didn’t let it show, but it was the best and most genuine compliment he could have given you. All ‘I love you’’s and ‘I miss you’’s aside, this message rooted from deep within, from the bottom of his heart, and he meant it all.

“You want to continue walking?” you asked and squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Yes.”

If making him feel better, feel more relaxed, would mean touring the park for hours, then you would willingly and happily do so. 

“I’m not sad about the US tour getting entirely canceled. I’m relieved even. Is that bad?” he suddenly opened up.

From the way Jaehyun worded it, it seemed like this was something that had been on his mind for a very long time and something that he hadn’t let the other group members in on. How would he be able to, when everyone had been brooding for weeks that the tour had suddenly definitely been canceled?

You shook your head. “If it sets your heart at ease, don’t ever feel bad for anything.”

“You sound like Taeyong. It’s eerie.”

You chuckled. “It rubs off.”

“But seriously… I’m relieved that I have more time to adjust to my new condition. To learn how to deal with it and live with it as the person I am now. The therapist says that I’m on the right path, and when I tell him about what happened today, he may acknowledge it as a milestone. I know people curse this entire lockdown that the pandemic brought along, but to me, it came at the right time. Life slowed down, and so can I. As idols, we barely have free time, and now, I have so much time in my hands, I don’t know what to do first.”

“Tell me about it,” you encouraged him. “I want to know about every single one of your plans. What’s on your long list? What did you always want to do and can finally convert?”

“I want to play more basketball. I want to play more piano. And you know what? I also want to write my own songs, compose songs again… yeah, that’s something I would want to do.”

Jaehyun was perking up and you really loved seeing this look on his face. Even through a mask his eye smile really stood out. And like his words, it was genuine and almost like before his world broke down. Almost. “Go on.”

“I also want to try simple things like baking. I’ve never baked in my life. Did you? Can you show me?”

“Of course.”

“Now?”

“Now?”

He nodded eagerly. “Now. We’re going to buy ingredients and then we’re going to bake the first cake of mine together.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

If it made him happy, you’d do anything with him.

____

“Take them off.”

Swallowing down the lump in your throat, you unbuttoned your shorts and slid them over your bum, down your legs. Jaehyun gazed at your lacy, red underwear and slowly traced his fingers up your thigh, making his way under the seam of your panties. He pulled the fabric aside, baring you. You ran your hand up his chest and wrapped it around the back of his neck. 

By gently running his fingers down the side of your face, he forced your lids closed. Only seconds later, you felt his tongue gliding up your slit, causing you to gasp and your entire body to tense.

“Oh, Yuno.”

“Shhhh, it’s in the middle of the night.”

“I don’t have roommates or anything.”

“But the walls here are paper thin too, so better be safe than sorry and risk awkward stares from your neighbors.”

Before you could retort anything, he licked you up and down slowly, dragging his tongue over your clit. Your fingers buried themselves into the thick linen of your sheets as Jaehyun latched out onto your nub, sucking it gently into his mouth.

You arched your back up, your front teeth sinking into your bottom lip, biting hard into the flesh as you opened your eyes up and angled your neck to watch what he was doing to you. Jaehyun groaned and swirled his tongue around you, tugging your clit out between his lips and diving back in for more, repeatedly.

The pulse between your legs throbbed as blood collected in your nether regions, causing the warmth at your entrance to expand as you simultaneously grew wetter. You hadn’t deemed it possible as you had already had sex before, but apparently, Jaehyun had another mission tonight.

It was the first time in a long while that he was in the mood for sex again, and even though the past weeks had been hard in that term, you had patiently waited until he was ready again - just like him in the beginning. And today was the day.

Jaehyun pushed up one of your knees, fully opening you to him, and started to go harder and faster, more intense and more greedy. His tongue licked, his lips grabbed and sucked until he covered you with his entire mouth, massaging and draping over your clit until your cries only came out as hollow whimpers.

When he finally dived in, penetrating you with his tongue, you begged for release. “Please, Yuno, please…”

You bucked your hips, trying to get deeper and meet him, your breasts swaying back and forth in rhythm. Moving with him, you felt the tingling constantly building up more and more as his tongue worked inside of you, now having support from his hand as well.

“Oh god, Yuno, yes, yes, yes!”

Every muscle in your body contracted so tightly, your orgasm exploded, spreading through your entire body to the very tips of every limb. If your neighbors awkwardly stared at you after this, it would have been totally worth it. 

After the past, cloudy months, life seemed happy, normal for the both of you again in terms of personal matters. You spent as much time with each other as possible as the group barely had schedules, and to you, it felt like a relationship with someone who was not an idol. An ordinary guy. You wanted to enjoy it for as long as it still lasted.

“I’m so glad that you are much happier.” You tucked a strand of Jahyun’s hair behind his ear when he laid down next to you, but it got loose right away again.

He faced you from the side and brushed his thumb over your cheek. “Me too.” 

____

But life during the pandemic was hard on the entire band. 

At first, they had taken this idle state as an opportunity to work on their own, private projects, writing lyrics, composing, dancing and just doing the things normal young men did without the pressure of being idols. They discovered new hobbies, went to the gym and spent time with family and friends. They enjoyed having little to no obligations for once in their young lives.

But when month after month passed with no end to the pandemic in sight, with travel restrictions and with the entire world seemingly shutting down, they came to the realization that this state would probably not only be temporary. 

Before, during comebacks, the group headed to the salon at 1am, left for the broadcasting station at 4am and rehearsed there until 9am. Then, they continued filming content for a few hours and had to be at the live music shows around afternoon where they only finished later in the evening if they didn’t have fan signings events. All that with only a few hours of breaks in between. The next day, this process repeated. Every single day.

You weren’t surprised that they enjoyed this quiet and peaceful lifestyle at first. But you also weren’t surprised when they slowly grew restless. Those young men were born for the stage, it was not only their job, but what they actually lived for, why they had come so far, and a few advertisements here and there couldn’t fill the void that was steadily growing inside each of them.

They were worried about their future that had once seemed so prosperous. Worried about whether a future as this band was actually still in the books for them as they had given up everything for it.

But Jaehyun was one of the few who didn’t worry much.

Despite life having almost come to a standstill, he had gotten an offer he couldn’t decline in the middle of the year. As each member of NCT began looking and hoping to establish a career elsewhere, the opportunity just flew into Jaehyun’s lap.

Of course he had played with the thought of being an actor. But in the past, all his possibilities had gotten declined, because he was so involved in the growing international recognition of NCT, and that was where his newly awakened curiosity stemmed from. For the first time since joining the band, he played with the idea that there was something else he would like to base his future on, something he deemed more relaxed with less pressure on public appearance than the schedule of an idol.

It had taken Jaehyun much time, many angry tantrums and more convincing reasons to have his management approve as they were mainly worried about what his fan base might think about him openly forming a relationship with someone, even possibly having to act out kissing scenes. They wanted to keep him entirely in NCT for as long as possible, for all the fame and popularity he attracted.

But Jaehyun didn’t care, and he went through hell and back with his management until they reluctantly acknowledged that during these times, it was the only way to not let him drift into the background and finally let him officially accept the role als Cha Minho in Dear. M.

Filming began in October.

____

“No message from him today either?”

You felt Seulgi rubbing soothing patterns on your back as you stared at your phone that was placed in front of you on the table. It had been an entire week without Jaehyun calling you, and the only sign of life came through a kakaotalk emoji three days ago. Since then, you had been left on unread.

“When we got together, he promised me something.”

“I know. I haven’t seen him lately either though.”

“I’m aware he’s filming, mc-ing and simultaneously preparing for the comeback next month, but is it so hard?” you complained, turning to your friend. “Just shooting the person, who you’re apparently in love with so much, who should be the one you think of the most, one single text by the end of the day to tell them you’re alive and okay? I don’t get it.”

“Sometimes, it indeed is,” Seulgi carefully tried to explain. “Sometimes, during comebacks, we try to squeeze 48 hours of work into 24, and we use the free minutes in between to just come down and rest, do things for us without worrying about anyone or anything else. We need that. Sometimes, it’s much harder than it sounds.”

“Even during such times, he usually managed to do it.” You let out a rush of air, suppressing the boiling anger that threatened to come out with your following words, “Since he started filming, we barely see each other, talk to each other. When we do, he hardly has anything to share with me and I do most of the talking. It’s been two months, and for almost just as long I feel like I’ve been single again. Am I demanding too much?” 

Seulgi shrugged. “I’m sure that when you two talk, you can sort it out. I wouldn’t know either how it is to be an idol and an actor at the same time.”

“I asked him when I could see him again, but he didn’t even read that.” 

“You know what?” Your friend arose from your seat. “Put on your jacket, you’re going over to the dorm.” 

Your brows moved together to express confusion as you voiced your concerns, “I’ve never been over without informing him before.”

“Then it’s time. He sleeps at home every night, right? 

____

“No, Jaehyun isn’t here,” Taeyong told you upon opening the door. “He hasn’t been here in a few days. He sleeps over close to the set, because he’s got a few night shoots ahead of him.”

“Oh.” You dropped your head, feeling like ordered food that hadn’t been picked up, so embarrassed as well.

And Taeyong noticed, his mien softening. “You… haven’t known.”

“No.”

On your way here, your disappointment had gradually shifted to anticipation, a touch of happiness even as you had hoped to see your boyfriend again. Now, every little approach of making you feel better about this relationship got destroyed by his band mate breaking it down to you that he had been gone for a few days already without informing you.

But it wasn’t sadness that settled in instead, replacing shame. It was burning anger, starting off as a low flame in the pit of your stomach that was fastly growing and threatening to expand into a full wildfire so intense, you would feel it in the tips of your fingers. 

You weren’t worried that Jaehyun was cheating on you. This was something you had never considered to be stressed about, because if a man wanted to cheat, he would, and there was nothing one could do to prevent it. You had chosen to trust the man you loved, and you still did.

What worried you was that he might have let the importance of this relationship slip, neglecting it, neglecting you. And it hurt as hell.

“You know what I’ve been doing?” You drew your brows together at Taeyong’s randomness, your fists clenched as you silently remarked. “I was just finishing up a new song I composed. You want to be the first one to listen to it?”

You knew what he was trying to do. To be a good friend to you by suggesting that you didn’t need to have your time wasted after coming all the way here, and simultaneously being a good friend to Jaehyun by not disclosing to you further information about his whereabouts that might hurt you.

He was such a sweetheart, and you clearly understood more why Seulgi treasured their friendship so much.

Your fingers relaxed, dropping to your sides. “Sure.” You stepped into the dorm, and it was unexpectedly quiet. Most of the others must have all gone out. “How’s it called?”

“Dark Clouds.”

What a fitting title to your current mood as well.

____

“Everything okay?” Jaehyun asked you under his breath.

You nodded and pulled his face back to yours, the sweaty tips of his bangs tickling your forehead as your lips locked again in a hard kiss that left you both winded. His rhythmic thrusts inside of you jarred your body to every last fiber, and you tried to focus on all the favorable things he made you feel during this act despite your thoughts always drifting off.

Same hotel room, same short-lived night in the arms of your boyfriend. 

You knew it was only a few hours that you could spend with him before you had to sneak out again as the other actors and actresses resided in the building as well, and you should better enjoy the very limited time you had together. But today, you felt especially insecure about your relationship.

Still having him move on top of you, you hugged Jaehyun harder against your chest as though to make sure that you were still present and somehow alive, and he let out an affirmative groan that broke through the quietness of rustling sheets and heavy panting, only the dim light of the bedside lamp giving you the possibility to catch a glimpse at his satisfied expression that you couldn’t relate with.

“...yes,” he whispered into your ear, his fingers curling into yours which he then pressed into the pillow. “Almost there.”

Licking you all the way up from the hollow of your chin to your lips, for a moment, you had the feeling to finally be able to let yourself fall and relish this very rare moment. But as soon as you weighed yourself in the safety of his welcoming arms, your mind went astray again to rather unpleasant thoughts.

Perhaps, it was because you hadn’t seen each other in two weeks again and wished for a few hours more. Most likely though, it was because of the smile which he now directed at you. The smile of which you knew didn’t differ much from the one he directed at every crowd whenever he stood on stage and that you experienced in person less and less.

He was here with you, physically. But you still missed him dearly.

You were far from being on the same page as his body convulsed on top of you, and the pain that you felt emotionally nearly turned physical as you weren’t able to share this special moment with him, that was how much it affected you, growing into tears that started flowing the second his body came down next to you.

“That was amazing.”

Jaehyun wanted to pull you into an embrace, sliding his fingers between your thighs already to finish you off himself, and he was still so in the mood that your disconnection totally passed by him, even when you turned to the other side, brushing off his hand.

It was not until the tears dropped onto the sheets, leaving a dark stain, and with you arising from the bed that he sensed something wasn’t right with you. And he was quick to react by grabbing you by your wrist, making you stop.

“Hey…” His voice was soft, attentive - a rare occurrence lately. But it came too late. “What’s wrong?”

So many things were wrong. 

You considered yourself a fitting girlfriend for an idol in terms of tolerance, support and patience. But what you had gone through these past weeks, you didn’t wish upon your biggest enemy. The constant uncertainty, the minimum of communication, the lack of physical closeness. The sheer fact that your relationship had grown so unimportant to your boyfriend that whatever you did to prevent it, was to no avail.

It was like your boyfriend and the idol inside of him, who had been two different people in the meantime, couldn’t be differentiated anymore. It was like the Jaehyun who had jumped right into bed with a trainee after confessing his attraction to you was back. You could only desperately search for the person you loved in this idol’s eyes. 

The person you loved would text you more than a one liner per week to keep in touch with you. The person you loved wouldn’t toss the pictures you had taken together into the abyss of their phone. The person you loved wouldn’t call you over for a few hours at night only like an escort girl. The person you loved would do everything in their might to show you that you were different from everyone else.

You couldn’t find this person in Jaehyun. Not anymore.

You knew that your boyfriend was still there somewhere, somehow, but you hadn’t seen him in so long already, and you wondered whether he could ever take off this idol’s mask ever again or whether this was the person he had turned into now and would keep. But you wanted to be with your boyfriend, not an idol.

“I want to go.”

You cried silently as you fished for your underwear and slowly dressed yourself despite Jaehyun’s protests in the background. He held your hand, he hugged you, he shook you, desperate to make you stay, but his voice seemed worlds afar, a montone ring only audible in your ears.

On your way out, you hit over a vase, but you couldn’t care less about it as you were only fixated on collecting your belongings and storming out of the room before his muscular arms would wrap around you again, and you knew for sure that this time, you couldn’t withstand for that long but would fall back into his embrace again once he touched you.

“Please! Stay!”

Jaehyun luckily struggled with his clothes, giving you enough time to open the door and closing it shut behind you a second later. Your shoes in your hand, you ran to the elevator, only hearing his room open again before you were gone from the floor.

At this very moment, you were more relieved than sad.

____

By the end of the year, NCT looked into a brighter future upon releasing their second studio album ‘Resonance Pt. 1’ & ‘Pt. 2’ as a whole, reunited group and stood on the big stage again.

It all came back. The spotlight, the fame, the success. Everything was going well.

Especially for the perfectly restored idol Jaehyun.

____

2021

“Congratulations on finishing filming!”

You had baked Jaehyun a cake. It had three soft and fluffy layers with raspberry buttercream between each of them, covered with vanilla frosting and an elaborate writing that was exactly the first word you had just now directed at him. It was also similar to the first cake you had baked together. But Jaehyun barely spared it a glance.

“I’m so tired.” He directly threw himself onto your bed, the mattress giving in under him with a squeak.

“You don’t want a slice?” Your gaze shifted between him and the cake, and you were so dumbfounded by this passive reaction to your surprise gesture that you didn’t quite know how to properly react.

“No, I’m still on a diet.” You didn’t see him rolling his eyes, but you clearly sensed it. “You know.”

“Filming is over. Aren’t you supposed to eat whatever you can now?”

“But this appearance is what will get me famous. Like Eunwoo.”

This time, you were the one to roll your eyes, and you did it right in his field of vision. You were so tired of hearing sentences like “When this drama airs, I will become more known in the acting world, getting more important jobs” or “It’s my springboard, I have to continue working hard and cannot slack off.” 

With every sentence, he was indicating that the time before he had turned into an idol-actor wouldn’t come back, and the way he was behaving now still was proving it to you quite the hard way. There was no sign of Yuno anymore, and it had been so long since you had last seen him.

It didn’t feel like you were in a relationship at all anymore, and despite you doing everything in your might to change that, giving your all, giving your best, it was expected that your partner needed to meet you at least halfway. But Jaehyun didn’t even meet you at the starting point.

He simply didn’t care anymore.

Disappointed, but not surprised, you got a slice of cake for yourself and seated yourself at the table, quietly eating the cake while Jaehyun was playing on his phone, and you bit down every single tear that burned at the rim of your eyes. At least, he was planning on staying the night, but you knew that you only fooled yourself into thinking that this might save your relationship, clinging onto every last straw.

Your Yuno was still there, you knew that. He was just hiding behind this cold, indifferent idol that only seemed to care about himself. As long as you didn’t give up too, there was still hope that you could get him back.

“The 97-liners are going to a club tonight. They just texted me. Mind if I join them?”

This time, you didn’t try to conceal your disappointment. And your anger. “This is the first evening in two weeks that we’ve seen each other again, despite you being back for a few days already.” You spoke slowly and clearly, but not to get your point through, but to tame your pent-up anger.

“We saw each other at the dorm three days ago.” Jaehyun raised his eyebrows as though he really believed a sit-in with his band mates where he had rarely paid attention to you equaled a couple date. “Do you want to start this discussion again?”

“Hell yes I will!” You threw your fork back onto the table, your voice dripping with rage. “The past months, we’ve hardly spent time together! And no, I’m not counting the nights you sneaked me in and out of a hotel room like a prostitute! That’s what I am to you right now, aren’t I, Jaehyun?!”

“I told you I was busy filming, you knew I was busy filming!” He now sat up on the bed, annoyance drawn all over his face and his tone just as filled with fury. “I’m not only an idol now, but an actor as well! I will get busier! That’s my life! You knew before you got together with me!”

“I got together with a person who cared about me! About making this relationship work despite his job, despite his busy schedule! Not a celebrity with his head in the clouds who only cares about his career!”

Jaehyun sharply shot back at you, “Aren’t I supposed to make the most out of my life?! To live my dream, reaching for the stars?! Why would you want to be a hindrance?!”

“A hindrance?!” you shrieked in disbelief and pointed a trembling finger at him. “No! You don’t get to turn my words around like that! That’s not what I’ve been telling you, Jaehyun! You know I support your career endlessly! I’m your biggest supporter, your motivator, can’t you remember?!” Your finger then dropped to the cake and the writing on it that said ‘Congratulations’. “You don’t get to twist the story to your advantage, because you realize that I’m right!”

Jaehyun bared his teeth, the edges of his mouth turning up. That smile was not kind. Mean even, almost eerie. You shuddered at his slow, ice cold voice. “You think that you’re in the right alone, don’t you? Then try concentrating on your work with your girlfriend texting you all day long about unimportant stuff just to stay in touch. Try paying attention to learning the script and staying focused with someone at home blowing up your phone, because she doesn’t get enough attention. Try not growing dismissive and unattached to that person, because whenever you get a new message, a new call, it stresses you out, adding more pressure and strain to your already hard job. Try not starting to resent that person for all that. You think you’re in the right alone? Surprise! You’re not.”

There was no reason to be so nasty about it, using such hurtful wording, but Jaehyun was all that, every word like a dagger that bore into your heart. “Why haven’t you told me all that?” Your words, only like a whisper with water collecting in your eyes.

“Because, like every other girl before, you just won’t listen.” He was standing now, but made no move to get close to you, to pull you into an embrace and tell you that everything was going to be fine again, that you would work this out together. Instead, his following words were like a cold bucket of iced water that got poured over you all at once. “You just won't understand that every now and then, I can’t give you what every other guy could. Sometimes, the truth is that I don’t want to give it to you. Sometimes, I want to be a boyfriend. Sometimes, I want to be an idol. Right now, I want to be an idol and an actor, and most of the time, there is only room for two out of three.”

“I’m annoying you?” You felt like you got wrapped up in cotton, so sedated. “You don’t want me anymore?” 

“God, why wouldn’t you-!” He led his fingers to his temples as though he was getting a headache from your questions. “Sometimes, it’s not about you! This time, it’s about me, what I want! I can’t give you ‘the boyfriend’, because it’s not my priority right now! I’m still young, there is so much I can still venture, and I want it all!”

“But that’s not how it works when you have decided to be in a relationship,” you disagreed, tears now streaming down your cheeks, yet he still didn’t seem to care. “You can’t just call me when you need someone to warm your bed. You made a commitment, you have to nurture our relationship, care about it. What is the point in not doing so, in shoving it away when it’s not convenient for you, when it doesn’t fit your schedule? You don’t want it anymore?”

Your stomach churned, and you suddenly felt so sick, having it run hot and cold down your spine. Had you really been suffocating him, demanding too much and not adapting to his circumstances and needs? Perhaps, requiring to stay in contact every day when you were exhausted and overworked wasn’t what your partner needed. But if it was what you needed on your end, how would you ever find a common ground?

Of course you had silently thought about breaking up. So many times already, if you were being honest, and the amount of thoughts revolving around that topic was only increasing with each passing day. But now that the proposal had vocally slipped from your mouth, you wished you could take it back. 

You wanted him to deny it, to fight for you. But even now, he didn’t seem to care. For this Jaehyun, you wouldn’t willingly or happily do anything anymore. He had drained you of your perseverance, joy, goodwill, spirit and life, and had given you nothing in return. This Jaehyun didn’t deserve any of it. He didn’t deserve you.

“Why would you still want it?” was his monotone question in return.

You sank onto your knees now, your face buried in your palms. “Because I love you, Yuno. Don’t you… love me too?”

“I don’t know.” Again, no softness or feelings in his tone. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

When he walked out of the room shortly after, leaving you there alone in your puddle of tears, you realized you might have lost Yuno forever to the cocky, selfish Jaehyun.

____

Two weeks later, it was officially announced that the premiere of the first episode of Dear. M was going to be postponed due to emerging school time bullying allegations against the lead actress. 

Only shortly before, you had officially broken up with Jaehyun after tip-toeing around that topic for so long. Even then, he hadn’t seemed to care much and had only responded with a shrug.

When the news about Jaehyun’s postponed drama had first reached you, you wanted to call him immediately, knowing how hard he had worked for it. Just because you had split from someone for you both to lead a better life, didn’t mean you stopped loving and caring about this person.

But you didn’t reach out.

____

Jaehyun was struggling with a heartbreak and a scandal at the same time. The latter again, the first was new to him in that intensity. 

He knew it was best for you to let go of him as he hadn’t been able to give you what you were expecting from a relationship, and for him to not lose focus of what he still wanted to achieve in life. At first, he had only felt relief, as ruthless as it might sound, but it felt like a huge responsibility had been lifted off his shoulders.

Then, a few nights later, alone in his bed while scrolling through your old pics that he had kept buried in his phone, he had cried. And the night after that. And the night after that. Even now, two months later, this heavy feeling still laid itself around his chest, making it hard for him to breathe when he was alone, similar to his panic attacks in the past. 

Only with this feeling, there was no method to lessen the pain.

“I’m not a kind person anymore, Taeyong.” Jaehyun kneaded his fingers as he was sitting in the grass, the warm spring sun warming his face under the mask. “I don’t know what happened. This is not me. I dread video calls with fans, and it shows. I don’t direct nice words at other people anymore, and they notice. I don’t care about feelings, about hurt anymore. What’s happening with me?”

Taeyong fiddled with the camera in his hands that he had used to take photos shortly before. He had brought his friend to this botanical garden to stroll around in nature as for him, it always held a calming and relaxing atmosphere, and this was something he suggested Jaehyun needed. Some healing time in one of his favorite places to be, pure nature.

“You’ve let this life consume you,” Taeyong broke it down to him, the harsh truth, and settled in the grass next to him. “You got lost. You thought you were going to be a big star, that you didn’t need anyone anymore. You started to only care about yourself and neglected the people around you. And I’m not only referring to your ex, but also to us. You pushed them all away.”

“Lost, hm.”

In the end, he had really come so far. Lost in this world, in this part of him that he had wanted to keep caged and only let out when he was in the spotlight. The part of him that savored his position on stage a bit too much - it had fully taken control of him.

Jaehyun ruffled his hair that was glistening in the evening sun. It was true that he had made everything a priority except for the people who had always been there for him. Stardom had gotten to his head, but he just hadn’t wanted to lose focus when the breakthrough was so close.

… until it had gotten stripped away from him all over, and the people who were left were the ones who had always been by his side. Except for you.

Jaehyun was aware that he owed you a big apology like the one he had directed at his group mates only the day before. But he just couldn’t bring himself to, because for him, it wouldn’t change a thing about your situation despite holding so many regrets.

Jaehyun still wanted to become big, and there was only so much time he could sacrifice for a working relationship. He couldn’t give you what you wanted. And at one point, he didn’t want to as well. You deserved someone who was like the Yuno you had had a great time with, not the Jaehyun right now, hungry for success.

And as he had feared in the beginning, it had all come down to that: his life had ruined everything you had built together. People like him came to destroy, they didn’t come to stay. It just didn’t work out with ordinary partners, no matter how hard they tried, how hard they fought. At one point, they would all need to give up. Even now, he remembered Soyeon’s words.

There was no end to this pain like there was no end to the ocean’s waters. 

“How do you do it?” Jaehyun then asked Taeyong, and his friend knew directly what he meant without him having to elaborate further.

“Deep inside, I’m still only Taeyong. I didn’t lock that little boy away. I’m an idol, a composer, a leader, but I’m always also a son, a grandson and a friend. You have to embrace all of them. Don’t ever forget that.”

For Jaehyun, it was only so hard to be all of them at the same time.

If so, then he needed to let go of perfection - the sole thing he was made to identify with. If so, what would be left of him?

____

The school time bullying allegations surrounding the lead actress of Dear. M didn’t get resolved directly, and hence the premiere of the drama got postponed for an undetermined time.

Life slowed down for Jaehyun once more as he was also replaced as an mc on Inkigayo. And although some people in his group held grudges against him until now for the way he had acted so indifferent towards the band during drama filming, he entered his own redemption arc.

Jaehyun spent more time doing things for himself like playing the guitar, the keyboard or attempting to compose songs. He went to the gym with Xiaojun, accompanied Taeyong to his friend’s recording studio and even started playing basketball again with his non idols friends.

Still, he didn’t consider being in a relationship anymore at this point in his life. He wanted to learn how to love himself more, embrace all parts of him, the good and the bad, before he would find himself in the position to transfer this love to someone else.

Right now, he was practicing pulling up temporary shields to not let negative feelings consume him, getting out of bed every morning with positive thoughts despite cruel comments, and looking out for a bright future although there seemed to be never ending hindrances.

Jaehyun still believed in love, but it was also still not his priority.

____

By the time of the release of NCT 127’s third studio album ‘Sticker’ in September, Jaehyun was almost fully back on track with himself and his career. 

‘Sticker’ was the highest pre-ordered K-pop album in one day and got sold over 2.4 million times within a week after its release. On top of that, ‘Sticker’ also became the highest ranking K-pop album on the chart in 2021, followed by the release of the repackaged album ‘Favorite’ that didn’t fall short in terms of success, making it the best selling album from the company. 

But Jaehyun still wanted more. He didn’t only want to be an idol. As an idol, his success was limited. In five or ten years, he couldn’t and possibly didn’t want to be one anymore anyway when the contract ended and his band mates all decided to go their own ways, so Jaehyun considered getting a foot into any door before time ran up.

If they wouldn’t air ‘Dear. M’, then he would find something else, no matter how hard he would need to fight for it. And Jaehyun fought like a tiger. For every offer, magazine shoot, ambassador position, another drama, movie, the release of a solo song - to no avail.

So Jaehyun didn’t quite understand why they let him take on one of the lead roles in the remake of the movie ‘Bungee Jumping of Their Own’. Out of all romcoms which he had gotten offered that would make a great start to kick off his acting career, the management had decided that he would do this specific movie that immediately drew attention for its content.

But Jaehyun wouldn’t complain. He would adapt. Perhaps, not debuting with a romcom was exactly what he was looking for. Having to deal with such an extraordinary plot would get him some great recognition as a debut actor who didn’t go by the stigma of an idol rookie actor playing the dreamy playboy. His natural talent and hard working attitude would not get overshadowed by his looks, letting people see past his perfect outward appearance.

It was a great opportunity, and Jaehyun took it, positively looking into the future, full of hope.

____

Jaehyun didn’t want to continue anymore.

Yet, he stood on the stage of Gocheok Sky Dome and sang in front of all these people who were attending the first concert in the ‘Neo City - The Link’ tour when inwardly, he only wanted to disappear. 

Witnessing how his band mates were jumping, singing and laughing around him and none of this merriness transferred to him, Jaehyun believed that he couldn’t feel anything anymore. But he needed to play along, jumping, singing and laughing with them.

Since the cancellation of ‘Bungee Jumping of Their Own’ due to the author’s religious beliefs and his management confessing that they had only used this news for clout, there had been more than one occasion where Jaehyun had thought about quitting all this, even standing on the big stage.

He had the looks, but they only wanted him to be the poster child of his band. He had the talent, but it didn’t get supported. He had the determination, but he was chained to a tight contract for a few more years.  

What was it worth living for if you couldn’t live your dream?

He was currently feeling so lost again. And that was also the name of his solo stage’s name that night, ‘Lost’.

He had written it at a time when he was feeling lonely. He still did. Throughout the downs of the past months, he had wished that you were there to take him into your arms and comfort him like back then during his Itaewon scandal. But Jaehyun also knew that he didn’t deserve you thinking about him, and didn't deserve an ounce of your forgiveness.

Yet, he poured all his feelings into this song, hoping that somehow, they would reach you. That you would be scrolling through the internet later that night and stumble upon videos and articles, listening to the lyrics and knowing exactly that he was singing about you, even though you weren’t physically there.

….

“It's been a long time since you're gone

Still filled up with the scent of your warmth

And staring at a blank wall

Drawing what's been natural”

….

It had almost been a year since your break up, and for the most time, he had been blind to the truth. If you didn’t have supporters on the path to success and just dropped everyone along the way because you see them as baggage, who would be waiting for you once you’ve reached the greatest of heights? Who would stand at the top, cheering for you as you sprinted the last meters, sharing your happiness? And who would, at the same time, wait at the bottom to catch you when you fell just to help you up again?

….

“The days are empty and without you

It's just me on my side

But when my arms are around you

There's nothing else to crave”

….

Jaehyun tried so hard to bite down his tears as his feelings seemed to bristle all at once. On stage, he was so vulnerable, all eyes and cameras on him only, every tone heard, every expression monitored. But that was the only way that you could see him, hear him out, so he endured all of it. Jaehyun had so many regrets, but he also knew he was too late.

….

“But I need to say (Oh, I feel so lost)

‘Nobody else,’ but need you to stay

By any chance, it might've been too late, too late”

….

If you didn’t forgive him, then he only wanted to make sure that you acknowledged what he was singing. What he was still feeling after all.

But curtain call, and another two concerts passed by without another word from you.

____

2022

In January, NCT 127 won the daesang at the Seoul Music Awards. They were at the peak of their career.

But to Jaehyun, it still meant nothing.

In 2023, Taeil would be joining the army. Taeyong possibly after that, and with their leader gone, Jaehyun wasn’t sure whether they would stay with this constellation, shift entirely or each member going on doing their own thing. He probably only had one year left.

But Jaehyun didn’t even know what his own thing was. He was good at singing, playing instruments, composing, writing lyrics and even acting if he said so himself, but none of that seemed to get him to the same level as Taeyong, for example, who had released one solo demo after another on his Soundcloud. Of course Jaehyun had accompanied him and had been supported by him, but after long writing and composing sessions he felt even more confused than before.

With all of his solo projects getting either indefinitely postponed, canceled or beaten down by his own management, Jaehyun felt disheartened and discouraged. Like a failure, and even his perfect visuals couldn’t get him out of this slump except for pulling off a few grimaces when he got asked to do aegyo in fancalls once again.

He dreaded his current life. And he didn’t care about perfection anymore. From one day to the other, he just stopped caring about that. He was aware now that, even though it seemed like it from the outside thanks to his good looks and his public image, with everything real he had done and gone through:

Jaehyun was far from being perfect. 

He had never, ever been. He had been forced to play this certain role since debut, and it had restricted him from living his best life, who he truly was and wanted to be.

He was a liar, and he was deceiving everyone, playing the charming prince when someone else inside of him, someone more real, begged to be set free, released into the world for everyone to see. Perfection was a curse and there was no one to lift it.

“You want to come to the studio with me?” Taeyong peeked through the door, but Jaehyun just pulled the blanket over his head and turned to the wall. 

“No.”

He couldn’t quite remember the last day he had seen more than this room, most of his free time getting spent sleeping since the end of the promotions. Jaehyun was kind of grateful, no, more relieved, that there were no plans for a comeback soon or any kind of bigger job for him, so he could spend all of his time in his bed, far away from the spotlight.

The spot next to him on the mattress gave in, and Jaehyun rolled his eyes as he noticed his friend getting seated next to him on the bed. 

“I liked the cocky, reckless Jaehyun from before more, even though he wasn’t a very nice person,” Taeyong said quietly, his fingers draping over the duvet where he assumed his friend’s shoulder to be, continuously rubbing soothing patterns into it. “At least he was woke. Alive. Lively. Most of all, I liked Yuno of course. Aside from being determined and full of light, he was also kind. This Jaehyun…” Taeyong paused. “This Jaehyun scares me.”

The sheets rustled, but Jaehyun made no efforts to show himself to his friend. Taeyong didn’t remember when he had last come out of his room either except for using the bathroom. Lately, Jungwoo usually brought food into the shared bedroom which he had mainly left untouched in the beginning. With time, Jaehyun’s appetite hadn’t increased, but at least he was now willing to eat half of each dish. 

Taeyong also couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Jaehyun shower. And he must know, because when they had left him alone in the bathroom the week prior, they had to call for Johnny to break the door open, because Jaehyun had spent too much time locked in it, worrying all of them. In the end, he had only laid in the tub and blandly stared at the tiles for hours until the water had all run cold.

“Yuno is dead,” Jaehyun muttered under the blanket. “His dreams all shattered. He doesn’t have a future.”

“Then Taeyong is dead, too.”

“What are you saying… Without Taeyong, there is no NCT.”

“Without you, there is no NCT either.”

“But what can I contribute as an artist?” Despite his voice only coming out muffled, Taeyong suspected underlying frustration in his tone. “Apparently, I’m not a good enough singer, not a good enough rapper, not a good enough composer, not a good enough actor, not good enough… not good enough in anything! There is always someone a bit better. I’m just average, except for my face, perhaps. But even by that, there are people others deem as equally traditionally handsome. What do I have to offer, what can I contribute? I’m not like you.”

“You think being me is a free ride to everything? Almost all of my solo projects get ditched, postponed or entirely dropped. Yet, I continue on. It’s not our fault we don’t get supported, we all are aware of that,” Taeyong clarified. 

“Why do I feel like the mistreatment isn’t as grave elsewhere?” Jaehyun stated his conception.

“The grass always seems greener on the other side. But trust me, it isn’t.” Taeyong continued, “And don’t even talk about you being average. You might not be the leader, but you’re the axis. You’re the one who grasps the balance, never wavering. To us, you’re in the middle, and the middle is responsible to keep the balance going. The middle is not average, the middle is a jack of all trades. It’s a very important position. What you just haven’t found is the identity for you as an individual artist.” Taeyong paused. “Your efforts will never betray you. All your efforts will pay off. Even if it’s not with this company. Even if it’s not now.”

Jaehyun remained quiet. He had heard Taeyong say this motivational sentence so often, but the last part was new. He pondered over it, and then came to the realization that it scared him, that he had been beat down and didn’t know how to get up again. 

“I still want it. I don’t want to give up on being an idol just yet. It’s everything I’ve worked so hard for.” Little Jaehyun also had had a dream back then, and the Jaehyun now was shattering everything he had pathed the way for. “Yuno is not dead. He’s only hiding.”

“Then let him come out. Let him live,” Taeyong urged him. “You don’t have to. Let Yuno take over again, let him enjoy the things he likes, the things he’s worked so hard for, just a bit more. Let him take over again and let this Jaehyun rest for just a bit. We have to be patient, savoring what lies in front of us now. We all dream big, but perhaps, it’s just not our time yet to take over the world. Perhaps, we’re not ready yet.”

Now, Taeyong’s patting motions felt soothing, not heavy anymore. What Jaehyun hadn’t considered was that probably, all of his members felt his way. 

He wasn’t alone.

The next day looked much brighter to him as he sat up in the morning and joined Taeyong for breakfast in the kitchen.

____

But coming out of this slump wasn’t easy for Jaehyun. He wanted to, he really did, but it was just so hard. On some days, he was laughing and joking and being productive, and on others, he simply didn’t get up, canceling meetings and schedules.

When one evening, he was sitting motionlessly at the edge of the bathtub again, too tired to get dressed in more than his boxers, droplets falling from the tips of his wet hair to his shoulders and too exhausted to even shave, he heard a knock on the door. 

“It’s occupied.”

“... Please let me in.”

Jaehyun’s head shot upwards and his eyes widened. This couldn’t be… Within a second, he was by the door, the knob shaking under his grip as he struggled with opening it, but when he finally succeeded in doing so, he was looking into a pair of eyes he hadn’t seen in more than a year, but had dedicated an entire song to,

You. 

When you looked back at him at that moment, you didn’t recognize Jaehyun at all. The person who stood in front of you looked like him, but he had nothing in common with the one who you had separated from last year. 

So exhausted, so broken. So… lifeless.

You wanted to pull him into an embrace, wrap him into everything he lacked and you could share: happiness, independence, success and brightness. Where Jaehyun’s life had probably gone downhill, yours had been thriving, in your personal and work-related matters.

But you didn’t physically force yourself onto someone who was struggling. Instead, you smiled and made your way into the bathroom. You urged Jaehyun to sit back down on the tub’s edge with a curl of your finger. He followed your motion silently, and despite his lifeless interior, when you shifted around to him, you saw a glimmer in his eyes - short-lived and only barely visible, but it had been there. He was still there.

Only now, his eyes fell upon the set of fresh clothes you were carrying around. He didn’t even need to ask. He knew it was all Taeyong’s doing with the friendship you had been maintaining behind his back, and he couldn’t even be mad about it. He had decided to let you go, but Taeyong hadn’t. 

“Lift your feet,” were the first words you directed at him, and willingly, Jaehyun heaved his right one up, and you dropped to your knees, pulling the sock over his raised foot, then over the other until both were covered.

Jaehyun shivered from the touch, not because your hands were cold, but because he hadn’t let anyone come close to him emotionally, but also physically lately. And because your touches set everything free he had been trying to keep hidden and under control ever since your separation, buried in a casket in the very pits of his iced heart. Now, the lock was on the verge of bursting, and he didn’t know how much he could still take.

You were here, you were so beautiful, and once again, selflessly supportive. He didn’t deserve you. But he let you continue. 

Jaehyun let you ruffle his joggers, draping them around his ankles after slipping one foot after another into each leg, and let you pull it all the way up to his waist to fix it around his thinned middle with the band. You had brought along a plain t-shirt to dress him in as well, and Jaehyun willingly raised his hands without you needing to tell him to do so. 

Goosebumps crossed all over his skin where your fingers grazed over his exposed body, and it was the first human touch he didn’t despise one bit after all this time. The opposite even, it made him feel alive, because it made him feel something. 

At one point, when you helped Jaehyun get into the hoodie that came after, he caught himself wishing you wouldn’t stop dressing him. His entire body was engulfed with such a warmness that he thought his heart was going to explode. It was so overwhelming, he could barely take it.

“When did it all go so wrong?” were the first words he whispered, and despite you having prepared yourself for it, it still caught you off guard that Jaehyun suddenly started crying when you had expected yourself to fold first.

He still hadn’t gotten up from the tub, so you knelt once again, leaving a towel draped around his shoulders to catch the droplets falling from the strands of his hair while his tears, big and round, dropped on his new joggers, staining the fabric. You took his hands into yours, and they felt so thin and so cold as though all strength had left them for a long time already. His shoulders were shaking as he made sounds so painful, it broke your heart all over again.

Jaehyun was wishing that you two hadn’t broken up. That he hadn’t changed so much back then, rendering him blind to everything beautiful he had been surrounded by, the main attraction being you. He was also wondering whether he would still sit here in this mental and physical state if you had been with him all along instead, supporting him with love and hope.

But then he realized that yes, he would have. Because a relationship couldn’t have saved him from becoming the new Jaehyun he had turned into and destroying everything around him, even himself. Love wasn’t the thing to protect you and get shattered in the process, but to catch and heal you. He had never wanted any of that. Until now.

And now, he realized too, it was definitely too late as his gaze fell upon the golden band adorning your ring finger, with a small, shimmering stone on top of it. 

You broke through the silence first. “I listened to ‘Lost’.”

“You did?” Jaehyun furrowed.

“More than once. Over and over again.”

He smiled mildly as he looked down, locking eyes with you. “Back then, I really felt that way.”

“Now, you don’t anymore?”

“I’m still lost. But now, I wouldn’t ask you to stay anymore when I was the one responsible that we weren’t able to work out.”

“Don’t say that,” you told him, your fingers squeezing his. “Perhaps, I always wanted too much. I should have been open to adapting our relationship, my needs to what was possible for you, what you could have given me. Perhaps, we both should have instead of enforcing our own demands.”

He concluded, “I demanded too much of you.”

“And I was too willing to happily give you every part of me, and in the end I lost myself.”

“So you were lost too.” You wanted to withdraw your hands, but Jaehyun held the right one in place, the tip of his thumb outlining the ring’s stone that rested there, almost like a threat to him. His view lingered, then shot back at you, and the look in his eyes was almost as lively as in the past, almost fierce, challenging. “But now you’re here. Why?”

“Because Taeyong asked me to.” Your breathing hitched, and you prayed he wouldn’t notice. “H- he thought that maybe I could be of help when… when nobody else could.”

“Why else?”

“Be- because the oth-”

“I don’t care about what the others said,” he made himself clear, his tone even surprising him as he had lately seldomly overheard it being so strong. “Why did you decide you wanted to come here?”

“I…”

“You…?” Jaehyun held his breath.

“Because I don't want to see you like this!” you finally spilled, your fingers curling into his, not separating. “I want to see you determined, bright, laughing, joking, and full of joy! I want you to see the world, to do the things that make you happy! I want you to fulfill all your dreams! You deserve being an idol, actor, everything you’ve been working so hard for, Jaehyun! I don’t want you to watch it all go down the drain, because life decided for you to take detours, throwing hindrances at you. I believe in you. I believe that one day, you will have all the success, live your dream and be thoroughly happy. I want you to have all that!”

Jaehyun swallowed, hard. “Even if it’s not with you?”

“Specifically, it shouldn’t be with me.” Tears blurred your vision just like his, but you didn’t care. “I shouldn’t be in any of your dreams. You should build your future around what you, and only you, want.”

“In the entire idol world, you were the only thing that was real, my connection to the real world. I have lost you, and look what I have turned out to become.” His voice was shaking, and as you wiped your tears, you saw that he hadn’t stopped shedding some either.

“That’s not true.” You smiled, the corners of your lips tasting salty. “Yuno is your connection to the real world. Yuno is still there. Right now, I see him, and I feel him. Don’t cage him, let him see the world. But don’t drop this Jaehyun either. He’s strong-willed and powerful. Find the right balance between the two of them.”

“You believe in me nonetheless?” A little sigh of relief escaped from Jaehyun’s lips as he awaited your reply.

Through the tears, you kept your positive, earnest expression. “Jaehyun, I will always believe in you. But you need to believe in yourself too. You can do it.”

That was when Jaehyun realized that it might not only be a slump, and that he needed to see a therapist. If he wanted to be thoroughly happy again, he didn’t need love. Love didn’t propel him forward. He needed long term professional help again.

“Thank you.” Merely a whisper from Jaehyun. 

Gratitude, but also a goodbye, you both knew it as you still rested on your knees and Jaehyun on the tub’s edge, and you stayed like that for only a bit longer.

____

“It's been two and a half years since I came to Japan.”

Jaehyun stood on the big stage again and savored the spotlight, surrounded by over 70.000 people. 

The bright smile on his lips was honest and accompanied him throughout the entire evening. A total of 220.000 in the biggest venue in Japan on three days still couldn’t fill the parts inside of him that he had lost along his way here, the hole in his heart was just too big. But it had gotten temporarily fixed with the love of his family, friends, members and, of course, his fans. 

He wasn’t perfect anymore, and he didn’t need to be. He didn’t want to be. He owed it to no one.

But until Jaehyun would be rid of that imagine, it would take time - if he would ever get this far after all these years living up to it. But he didn’t put himself under so much pressure anymore to maintain being someone he wasn't deep inside.

Jaehyun knew that the path to the person he had ideally laid out to be was still long. Perhaps, the damage that had been done was too grave to ever reach him - a mix of Jaehyun and Yuno that was patiently waiting at the very top of the mountain - but Jaehyun would try his hardest to reach this new version of him, the best of both worlds. Even if he would miss his aim, he wanted to leave the part of his life behind that beat him down till he was too emotionally damaged to continue.

Everyday, he got up. Every day, he fought with himself. Sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. But every day, he chose to get up. 

And when one day, he felt too mentally or physically exhausted to put up a fight for longer, he gave up. But only for one day. Once in a while, it was alright for him to let himself rest, to let his heart rest. He owed it to himself. These days, he and his therapist officially called ‘rest days’. The other days, when he actually got things done, were called ‘sunny days’. 

“I only went back and forth from the hotel to the practice room, to the concert hall. I didn't realize it, but after seeing you guys I realized it! And I feel alive. Thank you for making me feel alive!”

This time, these words were no lies.

Where idol duties and fan service had been such a hard burden to him before, because he just hadn’t felt anything toward them anymore, he was now letting all the love stream into this hole the past months had left. And almost, but only almost, his heart felt close to getting entirely patched up again during these moments. Only a tiny part was still missing.

Perhaps, one day, Jaehyun’s heart would be whole again. Perhaps, it would entirely stay this way, incomplete. Perhaps, the ‘rest days’ would pile up until they prevailed over the ‘sunny days’. Perhaps, he would see his therapist more often then. But if, on the ‘sunny days’, he always felt like this, then he was sure that every morning, it would be worth it to put up a fight, no matter the outcome. At least he would have tried.

Jaehyun had it all again. And he felt so alive.

“Even though I wrote ‘Lost’ when I was lonely, I am happy now!” he told the crowd, and they cheered.

When he was singing ‘Lost’, he didn’t think about you anymore. 

He thought about his dark phase and how the ‘sunny days’ were much more fun. And he thought about how on ‘rest days’, he feared that they would stay and that he would never see the ‘sunny days’ again. But then, he closed his eyes and captured the moment. The music, the atmosphere, the crowd, his life.

And chose to stay.

Right here, on this stage. As an entirely changed man. On a sunny day even when it might be raining outside.

____

In June, Jaehyun flew to Italy to attend Milan fashion week and was officially chosen as Prada’s ambassador shortly later.

At the end of the month, ‘Dear. M’ was finally released and got him the attention with his acting debut, his performance critically acclaimed.

In July, NCT 127 celebrated their 6th anniversary, and Jaehyun’s message to his fans came from the bottom of his heart, every syllable seeped with sweet, almost painful honesty,

Thank you to Nctzens who have been with us for 6 years.

I’ve said this during the live, but as time goes by, I feel like we have gotten closer and more comfortable with each other compared to the previous year.

I always think that I am here because of you guys' presence.

Thank you for always supporting us, let's stay together for a long time.

….

In the same month, Jaehyun was on Elle Korea’s August issue.

By the end of August, Jaehyun also released his own, original project on NCT lab.

And there was much more to come.

Everything Jaehyun had worked so hard for eventually came around. 

His efforts were starting to pay off.

____

2023

Of course you had regretted your separation from Jaehyun, from the very first moment on. 

But that love hurt. And love wasn’t supposed to hurt. It was supposed to tend and to heal. To fill the little parts in your heart that were still open and incomplete, maybe even bleeding. But it wasn’t supposed to rip it all open, deepening the wounds. 

Loving Jaehyun had been pretty and ugly just like the idol world was equally pretty and ugly. 

As a girlfriend, you were tough and steady. As Jaehyun’s girlfriend, even you had eventually succumbed to this world he used to love so much. You didn’t want it to swallow every good part of you like it had done with Jaehyun, so you had let him get eaten by the sharks.

You had so many regrets. 

If you had been there, would it all still have turned out the way it had? You didn’t know despite Taeyong always trying to convince you of the opposite. What had happened to Jaehyun had no relation to you, and if you hadn't left, he would have dragged you down with him. He just hadn’t been ready yet, and to fully become the person he wanted to be, he had needed to let go of you, too.

So you had worn a fake engagement ring on the day you had gone to the dorm to get him dressed. 

The tears shed in the bathroom had not only been tears of sadness upon seeing him so broken in front of you, but also because you needed to walk all over his feelings, and over yours too, suppressing every lingering love you still held for him. And only on that day you had realized that it still was so much, you cried yourself to sleep. 

But watching Jaehyun become the person he had always wanted to be made up for all the pain you carried in your heart until now.

In the videos online, you didn’t see the Jaehyun from back then anymore, the mean one and the broken one, that was clear. Jaehyun and Yuno, they had both merged into a person who knew themselves really well, what they wanted, what they needed and what they could give to others. That person radiated confidence and was full of light.

You could also see that clearly when you got out of the car, scanning the venue and looking for him until you saw him walking in your direction from across the street, raising his arm to give you a sign to wait, he would come to you.

Today, Jaehyun had finished filming for another project, and despite the coldness that lingered out in the open, you had decided to wait outside, because you were so impatient to finally see him again.

You just didn’t know how he would react after Taeyong had confessed your little stunt to him. Taeyong also wouldn’t tell you. But you were prepared for everything after Jaehyun had arranged this meetup. For him to curse you out, to say how disappointed he was, to tell you to never meddle with his life again - you were prepared for everything.

Except for what would actually come.

Outwardly, he hadn’t changed much from what you perceived except for the color and style of his hair. But you knew that his heart was entirely different from when you had last seen each other. And it made your heart thumb a bit faster, getting you all nervous.

You couldn’t quite read his expression as Jaehyun was apparently cold as well and hiding half of his face in the security of his parka’s hood as he greeted you, “Hi.”

“Hi,” you greeted back, a small cloud forming from your breath as you scanned him from head to toe.

“Let’s go.” He nodded with his chin. “I want to take you out. You’re ready?”

You stilled, your eyes widening with a little shaking of your head. You were taken by surprise. “Taking me out? Right now?”

He nodded again, and gradually, the corners of his lips tilted up to a warm smile that melted your heart as he showed more of his face. His eyes were genuinely smiling with him. “Right now. We’ve lost so much time, I don’t want to wait a day longer.”

You were too stunned to reply. Him standing in front of you after such a long time and asking you out seemed so surreal to you. It made you nervous and excited, a touch of falling in love all over again like in the beginning. “I thought you hated me,” you eventually blurted.

“Why would I feel so?” He cocked a brow.

“Because I lied to you.”

“Nobody lied to me,” Jaehyun concluded calmly. “I talked myself into believing what I saw without asking. Nobody told me you were engaged, none of us mentioned it. I’ve decided on my own will to move on from you upon seeing the ring. By all means, it could have been a normal one.”

“And..?” You gulped. “Have you? Moved on, I mean.”

“I did.” 

Admittedly, this answer hurt like hell. You should have expected that after almost two years. You only brought out a nearly silent, “Oh.” Then it wouldn’t be a date like you had hoped for, but only a catch up between two acquaintances.

But Jaehyun also added, “That doesn’t mean we can’t get to know each other again. Learn about us again. About our lives, habits, aims, dreams… And see if they align.”

“Align…?” You blinked. “For…?”

“I’m dating to settle, to marry.” Again, he was hiding half of his face in the collar of his parka, so you couldn’t interpret his expression.

You still smiled though. So he did want to take you out on a date. You really wanted to get to know him again as well, the person he had become as his career was rising, the person who truly wanted you to be in his life again, who had whole-heartedly decided on you. 

This person was more mature, having determination and sternness in their soft, brown eyes. They wanted career, the spotlight, the fame, because that was where their passion stemmed from. 

You opened your mouth, but Jaehyun stepped forward, grabbed you and pulled you hard against his chest. You instantly closed your eyes when he wrapped his arms around you and shivered, warmly, when he pressed a kiss into your hair. “Before you answer, you should know that I missed you. So much.”

“I missed you too.” And then, you finally said, still in an embrace. “Okay. Let’s try again.”

Jaehyun was holding you close in position, and from his tone alone, as you were quietly resting against his chest, you swore the tips of his ears turned pink and he scrunched up his nose cutely as he said, “If you’ll find yourself in a position to love this Jaehyun in the future, I promise to you that I won’t ever disappoint you again.”

You already did. You had never stopped. But you kept it to yourself for now.

Amidst the cold, you were feeling warm in his arms. And amidst the clouds, you felt the sunshine on the tip of your nose. Today was, despite the cloudy weather, a sunny day.

You weren’t scared of loving this Jaehyun. 

____

NOW

Hey y/n.

I never wanted to be an idol.

Back then, if I had to choose between becoming famous and starting a family of my own, I would have decided on getting married and having children. I would have wanted to be like my dad. A good dad, always there for my children whenever they need me, passing on advice and insights like I have experienced with my own parents.

That would have been my answer if I were still a teenager.

But dreams change. Just like people.

I cannot start a family at the peak of my career anytime soon. And that’s the problem. I love my life, my job. It’s just this world that I hate. This world that forbids me to have both, you and everything I’ve worked so hard for these past years.

But I want this all, I want this so bad, even more than pursuing the dream of children of my own at this moment.

I want to stand on the stage, sing, make music, and be an ambassador, a model, an actor, all of that. I want to have an impact on people, I want them to see me, acknowledge me and everything I succeed in doing. It’s what’s giving me life, the motivation to continue. This is what I’m currently thriving for. 

I want this so bad. 

But I want this all with you.

Life is a process of changing and growing, you don’t follow one path from birth until the end. There are detours, forks and hindrances. But as long as you have determination in your heart and confidence in your eyes, everything is possible.

I want to start over again with you. I have the energy, I have the passion, I have the drive to do it. And I believe in it. I believe in us.

It’s not only the bad times where I should feel like needing you. It’s when I feel like that I’m at my happiest, when I actually don’t need someone by my side, I wish that you were here to share my feelings, too.

I want to laugh with you, celebrate with you, cry tears of joy with you. And if you could even be there when times get bad, when I hit rock bottom again, I promise I won’t pull you down with me. I will let you hold me, hold me tight and make it better. And I will rise from the ashes again just like the sun rises every day.

I can’t do this with anyone else. It has to be someone in particular. 

It has to be you.

I don’t know where I will be in five or ten years as the future is never set in stone. I might still be an idol, an actor, an ambassador, a model, all at once, or none of them, perhaps a father already. And if I’m neither, I’m still a son, a grandson, a boyfriend or a husband.

But above all and always, I will be Yuno, and I will be Jaehyun.

And I want to be yours. 

Always.

[purplephantomwolf]

Savoring the Finish Line

Chapter Two

Story Synopsis: Max Verstappen falls in love with a woman who owns a bakery.

Note: This is not an accurate portrayal of how the real people in this act. I do not know them personally, so I will not be portraying them accurately. Also, this is not an accurate portrayal with how a bakery works. I did my best with research, but it's not 100%.

Previous chapters: Chapter One

Next Chapter: Chapter Three

Masterlist

Warnings for this chapter: Badly translated French, panic attack

December 18, 2021

     I rush over to the windows, pulling the blinds down. I don’t think Max wants anyone to see him in this state. After making sure no one can see in, I squat down in front of Max. He’s got his head in between his knees and is breathing erratically. “Hey, can you look at me, please?” I softly ask. Max doesn’t respond to me. I gently touch his arm, trying to get his attention. His head jerks up, looking startled. “My name is Adaline. Can I take your hand?” I gently ask. He nods, still struggling with his breathing. “Okay, thank you. I’m going to help you do what I do when I have panic attacks. Is that okay?” I ask. He nods again, slowly this time. “Okay, thank you,” I smile softly. I sit down next to Max, taking his hand in mine. “Okay, I need you to attempt to breathe in sync with me. I’m going to place your hand on my chest, so it’ll be easier. Is that okay?” I suggest, making sure he’s okay with everything I’m doing. Max attempts to speak while nodding. He doesn’t manage to get anything out yet. “Hey, hey. Don’t attempt to speak yet. Not until you get your breathing somewhat under control,” I shake my head. I lay his hand on my chest, taking deep breaths. I see him starting to take deep breaths. 

     Once I notice Max’s breathing has evened out some, I pull out the next thing I do when I have panic attacks. “Okay, next we’re going to do the 54321 grounding technique. I need you to tell me five things you can see,” I state. Max looks around the bakery. 

     “Uh, tables, you, register, chairs, and the kitchen door,” Max says, slowly looking at everything as he says it. I smile encouragingly. 

     “Good, good. Now, can you name four things you can feel?” I encourage him, nodding.

     “Your heartbeat, my coat, the floor, your shirt,” Max lists off, starting to sound more confident. 

     “Okay, now, what are three things you can hear?” I ask. 

     “Your music, ticking of the clock, and-” Max tilts his head, seeming to be listening to things, “Someone talking outside.”

     “Okay, two things you can smell,” I tell him.

     “Easy. Baked goods and flowers,” he slightly smiles, looking over at the flowers I have along the walls. 

     “Yeah, that’s a pretty easy one when you’re in here,” I laugh. “But last thing, one thing you can taste.”

     “Hmm, is that chocolate I can taste?” He asks, looking around. 

     “Yeah, it is. I have quite a few items on the menu that have chocolate in them,” I laugh, looking at the display. Max grins, looking proud of himself. “Are you feeling better now?” I ask, placing his hand on his knee. 

     “I am, thank you so much,” Max blushes, looking embarrassed. 

     “Of course, I know how bad panic attacks can get when going through them alone. I didn’t want to make you do that. Now, when I have my panic attacks, I always feel weak afterwards. Food and a drink always helps me. Would you like something to eat and drink? I think I have some croissants and kouign amanns left, and I can make some tea or water if you’d like?” I ask, standing up. I hold my hand out to Max, not really expecting him to say yes to. 

     “If it’s not a hassle to you or anything,” he whispers, taking my hand. I shake my head, helping him up. 

     “I wouldn’t have suggested otherwise. Come on, I was in the middle of cleaning the kitchen, so it’s a bit of a mess still,” I blush, realizing the state of my kitchen. I hear a whine come from the kitchen and my eyes widen. Max looks at me, confused. 

     “What was that?” Max asks, eyebrows knitted. 

     “That would be my two puppies. They hang with me in the kitchen while I clean, but if you’re uncomfortable with that, I can take them upstairs while you’re here,” I say. Max’s eyes light up at the mention of my puppies. He violently shakes his head no. 

     “No, no! It’s okay,” he rushes out. 

     “Perfect, they’re sweet, but quite protective of me. They aren’t really around guys, except my employee, Louis. They might take a second to warm up to you. Elise will warm up to you quicker than Lacey, though,” I explain. I walk back to the kitchen, motioning for him to follow me. I push open the door, and Elise and Lacey are immediately running around my feet. I laugh and squat down, petting them. “Max, meet Lacey and Elise. Lacey is the six month old Pitbull, Elise is the year old German Shepherd,” I explain, pointing to each of them. 

     “Nice to meet you, Elise and Lacey,” he grins, sitting down next to me. Max holds out his hand for the dogs. They slowly walk over to him, sniffing his hand. Lacey takes longer at sniffing his hand than Elise. Elise is currently unsuccessfully trying to climb into Max’s lap. 

     “I’m so sorry! She thinks she’s still lap dog size,” I rush to pull Elise off of him. Max places an arm around her and lifts her into his lap. He smiles up at me, shaking his head, gently squatting my hands away. “Alright, alright. What would you like to eat and drink? I have croissants, pain au chocolat, kauign amann, and macarons, water, and tea,” I list off, looking at all my leftovers on the kitchen counter. 

     “Just a croissant and water, if it’s not too much of a hassle,” he mumbles, distracted by playing with Lacey. I grin at the sight, walking over the croissants. I quickly plate a couple, before getting a glass of cold water. 

     “You might want to put the food on the counter and stand to eat. The puppies will attempt to steal your food otherwise,” I laugh, setting the plate and water on a counter. Max lifts Elise off of him and stands up, walking over to the plate. I get back to cleaning my kitchen as he takes his first bite. 

     “This is delicious,” I hear him say. I peak over my shoulder to see his eyes wide, staring at the croissant. 

     “Thank you,” I mumble, continuing cleaning to avoid blushing. 

     Max clears his throat, and I turn to look at him. “So, I know you’re probably not my biggest fan, but I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about the panic attack. I normally don’t have them, I just got super overwhelmed with some things,” he says, picking at the croissant. 

     My eyebrows knit in confusion. “Why do you think I’m not your biggest fan?” I ask. I immediately start going through our interaction, trying to see when I said or did something that would tell him that. Max looks up at me, before pointing at my shirt. I look down, and my eyes widen. “Merde, of course I’m wearing this when I meet you,” I groan. “I promise you, I am not a Lewis or Mercedes fan; I’ve been a Red Bull fan since they entered F1. My dad got me this when Lewis was absolutely dominating, trying to convince me to switch teams. I only wear it when I clean, hence all the stains you see on it,” I explain, blushing. 

     Max smiles, “Okay. Good to know I’m not eating in the enemy's kitchen then.” I laugh, shaking my head. 

     “I won’t tell anyone about the panic attack,” I say, grabbing out some supplies to make the dough for tomorrow's croissants. “Do you want to talk about what caused the panic attack? I know talking helps me a lot, but I get that I’m a stranger, so I understand if you don’t want to talk,” I say, looking at him. Max seems to contemplate this for a minute. 

     “No, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it. Thank you, though,” he shakes it. I plop the dough into a bowl, putting it into the fridge for tomorrow. I wash my hands, before turning to him. 

     “Alright, sounds good. Do you need more water?” I ask, noticing his empty water cup. 

     “No thank you, I think I should get going. Let you get back to your cleaning,” Max says, bending down to pet Lacey. Elise whines, running up to me, wanting attention. I laugh and squat down, petting her. 

     “Okay, well, you’re always welcome back. We’re open from 6 am to 8 pm. Always got to promote the business,” I grin. Max lets out a loud laugh, straightening up. His shoulders shake with laughter, and I grin proudly. 

     “Of course, of course. The croissants were delicious. I will be back to try other things. Do you make them all yourself?” He asks, leaning against the counter. 

     “Yeah, I make all the food myself. I have an older couple that I employ that work the front,” I smile. 

     “That’s amazing. I’ll definitely come back to try other things,” he nods, “My trainer is going to hate me.” I let out a loud laugh, shaking my head. 

     “Better not be eating too much then,” I grin, grabbing his plate and cup. I clean and dry them, putting them up. I can feel Max’s eyes on me as I do this. I turn to him when I’m done. 

     “Thank you for the help with calming me down,” he mumbles, turning red and rubbing the back of his neck. 

     “Of course, it is honestly not a problem. I had someone teach me the 54321 grounding technique and it’s been a life saver,” I shrug. 

     “I’ll have to remember it for if I’m in this situation again,” Max nods. I nod, heading to the front of the store. I grab my cleaning supplies, getting ready for the tough job of cleaning the front. Max follows after me, Lacey and Elise hot on our heels. I start to wipe down the tables as Max watches. After a couple minutes of silence, he sighs. “I should get going now, thank you so much for everything tonight,” he says. He starts to walk towards the front door. 

     “Of course, any time. Have a good night, Max,” I smile, following him. 

     “You as well, Adaline,” Max smiles back, before leaving. I make sure to lock the door after him. I look down at Lacey and Elise running around my feet. 

     “What an interesting night,” I mumble. I quickly finish my cleaning. I feel my eyes fighting to stay open, meaning it’s bedtime. I drag myself up the stairs.

     Once I’m upstairs, I grab a quick bite to eat before starting my nighttime routine. Once done with that, I slide under the covers. Elise and Lacey jump up onto the bed with me, snuggling in for the night. I fall asleep cuddling with them, not believing how my night went.

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Taglist: @bookishbabyyy

[wangxianficrecs]

Changed for the Better by tigerlilly3224

Changed for the Better

by tigerlilly3224

M, 4k, Wangxian

Summary: “T-They have busy lives. It’s hard for them to step away.” Wei Wuxian didn’t usually stutter. He was tripping over his words. Trying to justify the accusations faster than his mouth can form the sounds. His brain brought up the long prepared list of why the Jiang’s did and always would come first. Lan Wangji narrowed his gaze. “You lower your own worth for their sake. You told me you wrote wrong answers on assignments so you wouldn't get a better grade than Jiang Cheng. You are your own person Wei Ying and you live as if you take up too much space. I want -“ {aka. college roommates wangxian learn to navigate their lives and heal each other along the way ✨🫶} ** on page panic attack, past referenced/implied emotional child abuse & neglect // rating due to topics both mentioned & implied but there is no spice here just feels Kay's comments: Aka the fic where Lan Wangji bullies Wei Wuxian to get therapy for his undiagnosed ADHD. This was very cute. Roommates Wangxian with autistic Lan Wangji and ADHD Wei Wuxian, who clash from the beginning, but learn to live with each other and compromise and eventually click. I love how it mirrored canon in the way Wangxian both found each other interesting but annoying at first until it clicked and they were just both gone for each other. Excerpt: At some point, Wei Ying had snapped. “It is not unreasonable.” “Lan Zhan, you said I couldn’t listen to music even with headphones!” Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes. “No. You listen to music in your headphones loudly . So all I hear are itty bitty crackly noises that make my skin crawl.” “Even when I’m in the other room?! Sorry we all don’t have bat level hearing.” Wei Wuxian crossed his arms in a huff. Lan Wangji stared at him. “What?” “I do not have hearing like a bat.” He exhaled in frustration. “That’s what you took from the conversation?” Wei Wuxian pushed his unruly hair out of his face. “I can’t study unless I have music on and the television on in the background. You’ll just have to be out of our room I guess.”

pov lan wangji, pov wei wuxian, modern setting, modern no powers, wei wuxian has adhd, wei wuxian gets therapy, autistic lan wangji, mental health issues, roommates, college/university, college student wei wuxian, college student lan wangji, good sibling lan xichen, therapist lan xichen, bad parents jiang fengmian & yu ziyuan, implied/referenced child abuse, neglect, panic attacks, strangers to lovers, pre-relationship

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[6rookie-writer0110]

I still don't understand about love

Olivia Rodrigo x Male Reader.

Request - The reader has Asperger syndrome and when he has an attack Olivia's voice calms him down, so when Olivia goes to give a concert in his city the reader wants to attend even though the crowds make him nervous, the concert goes smoothly, the reader is very happy and goes to where the meet and greet is going to be, the reader is already nervous there but when Olivia approaches the reader they get along very well and connect, Olivia realizes that the reader is different and wants to know him more, so Olivia tells the reader that if he can wait for her, once they are alone they talk and begin to know each other.

•

I don't have Asperger's syndrome or know anyone personally who has it. I did my research to understand it better. But I hope it came out right in the story.

Earlier in the day, you had an attack and to calm down you put on your headphones. You are on your phone and you go on YouTube, you type in Olivia Rodrigo and you start to watch her music video. Her voice starts to calm you down and you like everything about her. After watching that video, then you watch another video of her. Your mother knocks on the door and walks in, then you take off your headphones.

“Y/n, I got this for you. It's a late birthday gift” She said.

She gives you the envelope and you start to open it. You take out the tickets and you start to read it over and over.

“Is this a mistake?” You asked.

She smiled and she shook her head.

“No, it's not a mistake. I know how much you like her music and it calms you down. I bought the tickets and VIP passes months ago, but the post office took a long time to deliver them.

“I don't know what to say,” You said.

“The show is tomorrow. I know loud noises bother you, but I know you will have a good time” She said.

“Thank you,” You said.

She smiled then she left your bedroom, she went to cook dinner. You stare at the tickets for a while then you start to think about what to wear. Now, you start to think if she should sign your CD or poster or both.

——-

The night of the concert your mom went with you. You slightly feel a panic attack but it starts to go away. With the VIP passes, you have to go in early to meet her. There is a line and everyone goes into the room to meet her. People that are ahead of you quickly went up to Olivia. Everyone is smiling and taking pictures with her. Olivia starts to sign posters and CDs then she takes more pictures with the fans. Slowly she starts to walk toward you but you don't stare at her eyes. You are starting to feel even more nervous, and you bite your bottom lip.

“Hi, I'm Olivia. Do you want me to sign your CD or poster?” Olivia said.

You don't say anything at first and she waits for you to say something. She thinks you are cute.

“After the show, I could meet with you again if that's okay,” Olivia said.

“Yes,” You said.

You look at her for two seconds then look away, then you look away.

“Okay, I will meet you after the show” Olivia smiled.

—

You and your mom go to watch the show. You are enjoying the show and you sing along to the song, in your head.

After the show, you did go backstage and you waited for her on the couch. She arrived ten minutes later and she started to smile at you. You look at her for a few seconds then you look away.

“You don't have to be nervous,” Olivia said.

You nod

“I have Asperger,” You said.

“I don't know what is it,” Olivia said.

“A lot of people don't know what it is,” You said.

You are avoiding her look but she is still smiling.

“I first saw you was in High School Musical: The Musical. I like listening to you sing” You said.

“Thank you for liking my music it means a lot to me” Olivia smiled.

You nod and you can't help to smile. Olivia asked for your phone number and you are freaking out but you don't show it.

This can't be real. Wow, Olivia Rodrigo wants my phone number.

“Why?” You asked.

“I want to get to know you, Y/n but only if you let me,” Olivia said.

“Okay,” You said.

She grabbed her cell phone and gave it to you. You type in your phone number and name. You are still freaking out about it and your heart starts to race. She sent you a text and you saved her phone number.

“You can text me anytime you want and it can be about anything. I have to go to another city in a little bit, but I hope we can get to know each other” Olivia said.

“Mhmm,” You said.

✫ ✯ ✬ ✫

2 Months Later… You always text Olivia about your day and text how you feel throughout the day etc. She does the samething with you, she told you about new projects she is doing. You know her favorite movies and favorite food. And she knows about your dislikes and how to calm you down when you have a panic attack.

Olivia has searched online what is Asperger's syndrome. She read many articles and watched videos about the topic. But you and Olivia got to know each other a lot through texting. Olivia caught feelings for you and she wants to tell you but not through texting.

Olivia- I had to do interviews today. Did you eat your lunch?

You- yes and no. They didn't cook the chicken correctly. I like your new album

Olivia - I'm happy that you like it ☺️😘

Olivia called you on FaceTime time and you answered the call…

“Y/n, in the past two months, I got to know you better. And I like you a lot and I want us to be more than friends. If you don't feel the same way, I understand” Olivia said.

You ended the call and you are processing what she said. Olivia is confused as to why you ended the call. You start to breathe a little too hard and you feel your heart racing.

“Did I hear that, right? She wants to be my girlfriend” You said to yourself.

You start to walk back and forth in your bedroom. Again, you started to talk to yourself.

“She likes me” You smiled.

You called Olivia and she answered the call.

“Sorry, I did that. I was in shock, that someone like you likes me” You said.

“Oh, that's why you hung up on me. Do you like me?” Olivia said.

“I like you a lot. But I don't understand about love or feelings in a relationship. I-I never had a girlfriend before. When I tell someone I have Asperger's syndrome, everything changes” You said.

“That doesn't change how I feel about you. I did my research on Asperger's syndrome, so I can understand better” Olivia said.

“I want to be your boyfriend,” You said.

“It’s official, we are boyfriend and girlfriend,” Olivia said.

“Yeah,” You smiled.

——

Olivia has a few days off, but she wants to spend time with you. You are home getting ready for your first date and your mom is happy for you. You are feeling nervous and you hope she won't change her mind, about being your girlfriend. Olivia went to pick you up and she is smiling at you.

“You look beautiful. I-I got flowers for you. They said girls like flowers and the flowers are fresh, my mom made sure” You said.

“Thank you for the flowers, they are beautiful. I rented a private restaurant for us” Olivia said.

Olivia thought it would be a good idea, to have fewer people and paparazzi around you and her. She doesn't want you to feel overwhelmed and have a panic attack.

“I’m ready to leave,” You said.

“Let’s go” Olivia smiled.

Olivia took you to a small nice restaurant. She sits across from you and you admire her beauty. You are feeling emotions that you never felt before. It took you a while to figure out what you wanted to eat, but she didn't rush you to order. You like that she didn't rush you to order something fast or something you don't like to eat.

“Y/n, I'm going to Grammys this weekend. Do you want to go with me?” Olivia said.

“Really?” You asked.

“Yes, I want to go with you. But it could be overwhelmed you and you might get a panic attack. But I will be there for you and I won't leave your side. I don't want to pressure you to go if you don't want to go” Olivia said.

“I will go with you, Olivia,” You said.

Your hand is on the table and she gently touches your hand. You like her touch, it's soft and it calms you down. You were feeling nervous but she made you feel stuff, that you never experienced but you liked it.

You and Olivia ordered the food. While waiting, she talks about the color dress she will wear for the Grammys. Then she asked about your new hobby.

After dinner, you went to see a movie with her. During the movie, you did something bold you held her hand. After a few seconds, you loved your hand away.

“We can hold hands” Olivia whispered.

You nod. Twenty seconds later, you hold her hand and she doesn't move her hand away. You can't believe that she is letting you hold her hand.

✫ ✯ ✬ ✫

The night of the Grammys… Olivia picked you up in a limousine and you can't stop staring at your girlfriend.

“Y/n, you look very handsome,” Olivia said.

She kissed your cheek.

“You are beautiful and I like your smile,” You said.

She blushed and she smiled again. You follow Olivia to the limo and it's huge. On the way to the Grammys, she noticed that you were starting to have a small panic attack.

“Baby, it's okay I'm here,” Olivia said.

She moved closer toward you and you are breathing hard. The limo arrived at the Grammys but you are hesitating to get out of the limo. She gently touches your cheek and she starts to sing and it's helping you calm down.

“I love you, Y/n I really mean that” Olivia said.

“I-I… I don't know what love is” You said.

“I know. You don't have to say it back right now, say it when you are ready” Olivia said.

“I’m sorry I didn't mean to ruin your night” You said.

“You didn't ruin anything, I mean it. Can I kiss you?” Olivia said.

You don't say anything and she will be your first kiss. You lean and kiss her on the lips and she kissed you back, then she smiled.

“I have strong feelings for you, Olivia” You said.

“I feel the same way” Olivia said.

She kissed you again. She told her assistant to take you to the back door, to avoid the paparazzi. But Olivia had to take pictures and do short interviews, but you wait inside for her.

——

Since the night of the Grammys, you and Olivia are still going strong. When she has time off, she will go see you. But you and Olivia still text a lot when she is traveling for work. Olivia doesn't mention your name in the interviews, because she wants the relationship to be private. She doesn't want your mental health to become bad when paparazzi start following you everywhere.

[prettyiwa]

Relationship: Miyuki Kazuya x F!Reader Rating: SFW Content Tags: MLB!Miyuki Kazuya, Interpreter!Reader, Coworkers to Friends to ???, Pining, Previous alcohol consumption, Mild flirting, First kiss, Almost confessions, Slight panic, guilt, & frustration, Adult Kazuya is still awkward, Reader is a little older than Kazuya, Reader takes her job very seriously, Mixed signals at the end. Summary: When Kazuya asked his team with the NPB to be posted, he didn't think he'd end up meeting you again. When time came to choose an interpreter, he chose you without hesitation. Neither of you truly anticipated that feelings would bloom, even with the near constant proximity. Your birthday rolls around and he isn't thinking about his silly little crush until he can't stop thinking about it. Word Count: 4,590

A/N: I wanted to include the entire story for his birthday but NaNoWriMo came along and took up my attention. So I'm sharing an excerpt instead!

And thank you, as always, to my wonderful beta @tyga-lily. I'd still be floundering if not for you ♡

As soon as he steps out into the night, Kazuya’s met with a wall of humid air, thick and warm thanks to the lingering heat from the day. His clothes are already starting to stick to him as he steps further from the house and it won’t be much longer until he starts to feel beads of sweat building at the nape of his neck. When he turns to find you, his movements feel a little loose and everything seems hazy at the edges and he realizes he’s not as sober as he thought he was.

Still, he’s gotta be soberer than you, what, with the drinking games you were dragged into by your college best friend. He’s honestly lost count of how many shots he took from you throughout the night (and however many more he ended up tossing into the plant him when they became too much).

The music inside dies down a bit—probably the work of your brother, the acting adult of the evening—and he tries to listen for you, only to come up empty. No sounds of your footsteps, neither in the street nor along the staircase leading to the beach, leaving him alone with the increasingly loud beating of his heart.

It’s only been a couple of minutes. How far could you have gone? It’s not like you could’ve made it down to the shore in that time. That doesn’t stop his mind from conjuring scenarios in which you fall into the water, unable to get back up. Moving forward, he ends up tripping over that same rock he’s tripped over three times today, feeling that familiar pain shoot from his toe up his leg.

“Dammit!”

“Miyuki?”

The sound of your voice floods him with relief and he turns his head in your direction. The motion makes him dizzy for half a second. “There you are.”

You pop around the corner, confusion almost as palpable as the humidity before it makes way for your wide grin. “Are you okay? Did the rock attack you again?”

He feels a flash of minor annoyance, but he can’t ignore the way your smile pulls at his own lips. “Shut it.”

“It’s been picking on you all day.” You chuckle, coming closer, letting him see the way you bite your tongue and hold it between your teeth to keep yourself from saying much more. “Aha, sorry. I don’t get to tease you like this often.”

“Yeah, sure.” He closes the distance, grip tightening around the jacket he brought for you in case it got cool. “What are you doing around here? I thought you came outside to get some fresh air.”

“I did, but then I remembered that I left you with them and that didn’t seem like a good idea.” You both glance toward the door, lips quirking at the raucous laughter that comes from inside, almost as if to prove your point. “At the very least, you should have someone to…”

You suck air through your teeth, trying to find the words, so he tries supplying them for you.

“Should I have someone to protect me from them?” He likes the sound of your laugh, the way it bounces between you two before settling on his skin.

“I was thinking more along the lines of, ‘you should at least have someone to interpret what they’re saying,’ but sure. Protect works too.” Even when drunk, you’re thinking of him and how to include him. Even when you’re drunk, you’re thinking about working.

“You don’t need to do that. It’s your birthday celebration. You should have fun.”

“I am having fun. You’re lots of fun.”

How do you do that so easily? Heat spreads across his cheeks, settling on the tips of his ears and the back of his neck and his mouth goes dry before he runs his fingers through his hair, thinking of what to say.

“You know, you switch to English a lot when you’re drunk.”

Yep. Awesome. Awesome response, Kazuya.

He watches as the realization hits you—the way you tilt your head to the left as you’re trying to remember, the slow opening of your mouth and raising of your brows before your hand covers your mouth in surprise. “No! What? Have I really?”

A laugh escapes him at your reaction and he feels a little bad when you bury your face in your hands. It’s not often he sees you this unguarded and animated. He’s still laughing when he starts pulling at your fingers, gently prying them away from your face as you eke out an apology. He won’t admit it to you, but he enjoys witnessing these tiny mistakes from you, little hints of proof that there’s more to you than he’s yet to learn.

You once told him you’re an open book, but he’s surprised by how deep the book actually is.

“Seriously. I hardly ever hear you speak so much English unless we’re doing interviews for the media.”

“Yes, almost like that’s entirely by design or something!” Your groan turns into a laugh before you turn away from him, leaving his hand to fall away from yours. “If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go take a swim until I hit land again.”

Three steps away and his hand is wrapping around your wrist, remembering why he came out here in the first place. Glancing over your shoulder at him, you smile, pulling your arm (and him) forward. “You’re not gonna try to stop me, are you?”

“With how much you’ve had to drink tonight? You definitely need a chaperone.” You wriggle your wrist free, though you slide your hand into his, filling the spaces between his fingers with yours.

“And you wanna be my chaperone? Miyuki. Listen. You’re an absolute baseball genius but I have seen you on the sand today. I’m much better suited to be your chaperone instead.”

“Oi! It was you who assumed I was any good at soccer in the first place.” Snickering beside him, you pull toward the stairs that lead to the sand, stumbling on the first step. His left arm comes out to stabilize you and the grip of his right tightens around your fingers and all it does is make you laugh more. “Who’s tripping over their own feet now, huh?”

Your fingers squeeze his and, when he glances over, you’re sporting a wide, carefree smile, one he’s only recently started seeing more of. Warmth blossoms from where you two touch, quickly spreading from his tingling fingers up his arm, gathering in the center of his chest. It’s impossible to be around you right now.

Looking out at the beach, he finds the minuscule moonlight barely bouncing off the waves in the distance, otherwise leaving everything in the dark. Despite how clear the skies were during the day, clouds have since taken hold in the sky, making everything feel closer than it is. Despite the darkness ahead that threatens to consume everything, it’s like you provide your own source of light, just for the two of you.

All giggles and energy beside him, nearly bounding from the last step once you reach it, only stopping because you’re tethered to him. His grip on your hand loosens and he refuses to acknowledge the fuzzy feeling in his chest when you ignore his offer to let you go, keeping your hand in his. Still, you pull at him, urging him forward at your pace on the uneven terrain.

“You’re such a child,” he says.

“I’m a child? I’m older than you. What does that say about you?”

“That I’m a victim of circumstance.”

Stopping in your tracks, you pull your hand from his grasp, he thinks he said something wrong, but there’s a smile on your lips as you bend down. “You? A victim? You, Miyuki Kazuya, are a great many things, but ‘victim’ isn’t one of them.”

It takes a moment too long before he registers that you’re fiddling with the fastening of your shoes.

“Oi, oi. Don’t take those off.” Looking up at him, you stick out your tongue, not ceasing your efforts to free yourself from your shoes. “You’re gonna complain about your feet being sandy when we reach those steps again.”

“Oh, boo. Let me have some fun.”

He catches himself halfway through running his fingers through his hair, smoothing the rest of it over to stop the nervous tic. “Are you gonna blame me when your feet hurt later?”

You’re silent for a bit, biting your tongue as you think before coming to a decision. “I’ll try not to.” It’s only a second or two more before you’ve successfully freed yourself from your shoes. Looking up at him, you give him a smile that means nothing good, though you wait before stepping away from your shoes. “Miyuki? You’ll let me have fun tonight, right? I hardly ever get to do stuff like this.”

Kazuya’s not sure what it is, but something about the way you ask has his heart kicking up a gear. “Agh, fine.” A false concession, but it keeps a smile on your face. “Just for tonight.”

“Good. I’ll hold my complaints till tomorrow, then!”

And you’re off, jumping up and away from your shoes with little regard for the sand you’ve inadvertently kicked everywhere. The skirt of your dress swishes as you move, catching his eye as it does. He looks away when you carelessly bend over, grabbing your shoes before starting to skip toward the shore.

“Hey! That’s not the agreement.”

“It is now,” you call, the sound of the ocean drowning out your laugh. Only once you’ve reached where the sand grows wet do you pause, looking his way. There’s still a wide smile plastered across your face and his chest grows tight as you step closer to the water.

He picks up his pace, anxiety creeping up on him at the thought of you nearing this massive, black body of water, only spiking when he hears your sharp shriek as the cold water laps at your toes. Despite the chill, you step deeper still until your feet are consistently covered.

Kicking off his shoes, he can’t keep his eyes off of you—the way your dress barely moves with the briefest breeze and the way you subtly shift your weight from one foot to the next as you try to grow accustomed to the cold that contrasts with what little warmth remains. The clouds pass, revealing more of you to him and he’s a little surprised at how much energy you still seem to have.

The sand is cool against his feet, meaning the water is that much colder, but he doesn’t particularly care about that right now. The closer he steps toward you, the less worry he feels for your safety and the more anxiety he feels for something entirely different. You shiver and he remembers the jacket in his hand, taking a moment to place it on your shoulders.

You start, almost as if you had forgotten him, but your smile suggests otherwise. He takes his place beside you, wondering how the hell you’re staying so quiet when the water is fucking freezing.

There’s a light out on the horizon, something that goes in and out with the waves, something to stare at when he becomes too aware of your presence next to him. Clouds pass over the moon again, making everything ahead go pitch black, leaving him with naught but the beating of his heart, the light in the distance, and the burning of his fingertips.

“I like it out here, you know?” Your voice is low enough that it’s almost lost among the lapping of the sea on the shore. The clouds continue to move and the moonlight comes back, letting him look at you while you continue to look ahead.

He’s struck by the memory of you two when you two first properly met. The rain that poured, driving everyone inside while you remained outside, under the cover provided by the building. The way you watched him with a curious look on your face as he tried to make himself as presentable as possible for the start of contract negotiations. The quiet ‘good morning’ and the comment about the weather just before he remembered where he knew you from.

“You like the rain, too.”

As you turn to look at him, he wonders whether you remember it, too. Despite you working with Wynd Academy for the Tokyo Senbatsu reunion, despite you again working with Tetsu during his negotiations, despite all of the little almosts that could have swayed him… He wonders whether you remember the first words you two actually exchanged with one another. The smile that shapes your lips is softer, one that, again, reminds him of when you two stood out in the rain together.

“Yeah, I do.”

The ocean captures your attention again and he enjoys the silence that falls.

“Hey, Miyuki?”

“Hn?”

“What made you choose me?”

“What?”

“When we came back from Japan. What made you stick with me as your interpreter?”

There’s a draw, an invisible pull that makes him want to look at you. When he does, you’re already watching him, head tilted, unsure of what you’re asking. Or perhaps unsure of the answer he’ll give?

“You could have chosen anyone else from the firm, but you stuck with me. I saw you looking through the portfolios.”

“Why are you asking? It’s in the past, isn’t it?”

Your gaze shifts away from him, but he has a feeling you’re not watching the waves. “I dunno. It’s something I’ve always wondered about and… never mind. It’s fine.”

He hates when you do that. “And?”

The breeze mixes with the waves as it passes, almost taking your reluctant sigh with it. “I thought I pissed you off with how demanding I was at first. I remember you looked so annoyed and I wanted to crawl into a hole.”

He snickers, trying to apply what you’ve just told him to the woman he met in Japan two years before. From the start, you needed him to be open and to communicate in a way that he couldn’t even muster in his previous relationship. More than once you reminded him of Mei and Kuramochi with how easily you caught onto his lies, even those by omission. Imagining you intimidated by him is laughable.

“Is that funny?”

“Yeah, a little.” He laughs properly when you roll your eyes and frown. “You hardly knew me but you had no problem putting me in my place. It’s funny to think that you wanted to crawl into a hole because of it.”

“Sure, sure. So? If my first impression didn’t ruin you, what made you want to keep me around?”

“That wasn’t my first impression of you.”

“Wasn’t it?” There’s this nervous edge to your voice, accompanied by the tell-tale playing with your nails.

“Did you forget? You were one of the interpreters for the Tokyo Senbatsu. You worked with the kids more, but I remember seeing you around.” You certainly got along with Mei back then. “And then you were who the Giants sent to interpret for Tetsu during his negotiations.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t there for that.”

“I was there at the airport, and Tetsu told us that he wanted to hire you then, too. Why didn’t you take him up?”

Blowing air, you take to chewing the inside of your cheek and turning your face away from him.

“It wasn’t the right timing. I wasn’t going to be able to interpret for him and finish my program if he was going to San Francisco.”

“So if he went to the Dodgers like I did, would you have accepted?”

“No.” You still don’t face him, but your admission sparks a wave of fluttering in him, only heightened by the cold water at his feet.

“What made you choose me, then?”

At this, you turn, challenging him with a smirk. “You didn’t answer my question.”

His smile grows, knowing full well that you’re avoiding answering his question. “You made it very easy for me to trust you.”

Whatever you thought you were going to hear, it’s clear that wasn’t it. That challenge in your eyes fades, your smile losing its edge as it’s colored by disbelief.

“Why do you ask?”

He watches as you take that disbelief and pocket it away with something more tender, something you’re not ready to be seen just yet. When you meet his eyes again, it’s with the ghost of a smile playing at your lips. “I’ve always been curious.”

“Is that all?”

You pause, eyes flickering across his face before settling on his again. “Yep.”

“You’re a bad liar.”

“At least you know when I’m not being honest,” you try, starting to step away from him with a borderline mischievous grin. “Very hard for me to lie to you.”

“Yeah?”

Instead of answering him, you turn forward, allowing a silence to build between you both until he can feel the nervous energy that buzzes around you. Unable to stand it, he closes that distance again, nudging your shoulder as he settles. “Now it’s your turn.”

“My turn?”

“Yeah, your turn. You turned down Tetsu, so what made you say yes to me?” Was it because the Dodgers are closer or because they’re the team you and your dad have followed or was it timing or…?

“I don’t know. Maybe because you would be close and the timing was right or—”

“You already admitted that proximity wouldn’t have made you say yes to Tetsu. Was it because it was me?”

“Are you kidding? If I knew it was you, I probably would’ve quit working with the league and gotten a position with the university.” Your laugh is a little self-depreciating and he doesn’t know why. “All I know is that we got the call that the Dodgers needed a Japanese interpreter and I jumped at the opportunity because it was something else to put on my portfolio. I didn’t learn they were courting you until I was already on the plane.”

“You seemed just fine when you greeted me that morning.”

“Aha, yeah. I was so nervous, it kinda just slipped out.”

“Were you really that nervous? I honestly never would have guessed.”

“Good to know. I never expected—” Catching yourself, you look at him, clearly hoping he didn’t hear that. “I didn’t say anything.”

“No, you can’t just start that and then pretend like you didn’t say anything.”

“I can and I will.”

“No, for real, you can’t pretend like I didn’t hear that. Finish your thought.”

He watches as you try to edge yourself away, but he’s quick to wrap his arms around your waist to keep you from getting more than two feet away.

“Ooh, no you don’t.”

Squirming in his hold does nothing but make him pull you closer, trapping you against his chest. When he tries to get you to look at him, you hide your face in your palms again, failing this time because you’re still holding your shoes. The more you squirm, the closer he pulls you to him until you’re effectively trapped back to chest, laughing to yourself as he brings his lips level to your ear.

“What didn’t you expect?”

You shiver and he hears a muffled, “You aren’t making this any easier.”

“Why would I do that when you’re trying to hide something from me?”

“I’m not trying to hide anything.”

“Oh, yeah? Then you can tell me, right?”

“Kazuya, please—”

“Kazuya?” You freeze in his arms and his heart stutters in his chest—full-on stalling out, struggling to make it to the next gear, demanding more power to keep going. He hears the apology tumble out of your mouth in a rush, so he tells you, “I like it when you call me that.”

You stiffen for a moment before leaning into him, letting his words sink in, still feeling his warm breath against the exposed skin of your neck. “You— you are very good at making me do stupid things.”

“You mean to say that I bring out an entirely different level of stupid?”

“Shut up.” You push against his arms with no real effort to get away, but he doesn’t want to cross a boundary, so he loosens his grip. Despite the room to move, you lean into him more, staying where you are.

Is this a stupid thing?

“So? What’s this thing you never expected?”

Shuffling where you stand, he expects you to step away. Opening his arms fully, you surprise him, turning around and pressing your forehead against him.

“I never expected your stupid sense of humor or your stupid laugh or your stupid pretty face or that you would be the exact combination of stupid that would make me stupid.” Your voice is soft, lost somewhere between the night and the fabric of his shirt, but he hears you nonetheless.

“I’d be offended right now if you didn’t just say you find me pretty.” He’d be offended right now if you didn’t just suggest what he thinks you’re suggesting.

“You are pretty. It makes me mad.”

“Me being pretty makes you mad?”

“Very mad.” You move to look at him and he’s expecting a pout, not the serious look in your eyes. Your brows furrow and—yup, there it is—your lips turn into a pout as you continue staring before your gaze shifts to his lips. He thinks it’s just gonna be a moment, just a glance, but it’s not.

Shit.

Your lips part, just a little bit, just enough that he’s slowly inching forward and so are you. Just enough so he feels the shaky little exhale before you close the distance, pressing your lips to his.

You’re—soft. Really soft. Soft in the way you’re pressing against him. Soft in the way you feel when his arms close around you, holding you to him. Soft in the way you move your arms so they’re draped over his shoulders, so your shoes tap against his back, so your fingers brush against the hairs at the nape of his neck. Soft in the way your lips move against his, making him dizzy, making him feel, as you so eloquently put it, stupid.

Then there’s that sound you make, something else that’s soft, something between a whimper and a whine before you flick your tongue against his bottom lip.

Shit.

Another sound when he tries to hold you closer, when his palms spread out across your back, when all he can think and feel and breathe is you. Your fingers tangle in his hair before pulling, giving you a whine in turn and he feels you smile before pulling away for air.

Resting his forehead against yours, his senses slowly come back to him, though they’re still primarily focused on you. The feel of the bunching of the fabric of your dress beneath his fingertips, the racing of his heart in his chest, the cool of the water against his feet. The smell of the salty ocean air and that odd combination of sunscreen and your body wash. The lingering taste of you against his lips, and the little craving to taste more. The sounds of the waves, seemingly in the distance when compared to the beating of his heart and your shaky breathing. The sight of you, of your tongue smoothing over your bottom lip before they close, of your eyelashes touching your cheeks in the lighting provided by the waxing moon, of the slow opening of your eyes and the emotions that follow.

He’s never been good at reading people, especially not their emotional state, and he can’t trust himself to get it right at this moment. He wants there to be hope. He wants there to be acceptance. He wants to see the reciprocated feeling of “fucking finally” because that’s what he’s feeling. He wants it so bad that he can’t trust himself to read you right now.

But he does know he’s not imagining it the moment it hits you.

You release his hair before your hand slides back down his chest, coming to rest on your lips.

That surprise. That fear. That—

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry! I’m your interpreter! I shouldn’t—shit. That was so stupid. Please forgive me.”

All the warmth that built up in his chest leaves with the slow sinking of his heart. Of course. Everything comes back to your job.

“I’m not here as your client.”

Oof, that came off a lot harsher than he meant it to be. He hopes that your little flinch is because of the sudden breeze and not because of him. “You’re not my interpreter right now. You’re my friend.”

But that guilt written all over your face doesn’t go away. “I’m—”

“It’s your birthday, right? Happy birthday.”

You turn your gaze down before you turn your head away slightly. His grip around you loosens and this time you take the smallest step back. Dammit.

“Thank you. I—” You won’t even look at him. “Please forgive me.”

He sighs through his nose and he can feel the crease between his eyebrows as it forms. Turning back toward the shore, he slips his hand in yours.

“There’s nothing to forgive.” It definitely comes out as a bite, though (again) he doesn’t mean it as such. That doesn’t deter you from squeezing his fingers.

You trail behind him for only a minute more before quickening your pace and taking your space beside him. As you grow closer to the stairs heading back to the street, you turn, looking toward the solitary tables near the public bathroom.

“You don’t—”

“Let’s sit,” he interrupts, making it known he’s still with you, even if a large part of you seems intent on trying to move past something he’s wanted for the last year and a half now.

When you look at him, it’s with relief, with that stress and second-guessing slowly melting away. “Thank you.”

Maybe he should take the seat opposite you instead of right beside you, but he’s going to be selfish for as long as you’ll let him.

“I’m not ready to go back inside just yet.” You wait for a response and Kazuya decides it’s better if he doesn���t. “Do you mind… you don’t have to, but I’d like to sit out here for a while longer.”

Instead of offering a verbal response, he relaxes, brushing his thumb over your knuckles.

“Thank you. I think… I think I might still be a little buzzed.”

Yeah, you really can’t lie to him.

“I don’t want to go in there when she’s still awake. I might say something stupid.”

That’s more like it, though he wonders if that “something stupid” will end with your friend giving you a lecture or giving one to him. Lecture or not, he’d prefer to keep your attention for himself.

You chatter on for another ten or so minutes, mostly compelled by your wish to move on from what happened, but eventually, you give in to the silence. It’s another couple of minutes before you rest your head on his shoulder. The two of you sit in silence with the soft promise to leave whenever you’re ready.

The sun slowly rises and he still finds himself on the beach with his hand still interlinked with yours, still hoping that this sea salt flavored kiss won't be the only one you two share.

Daiya no Ace Masterlist

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I left my mom alone dealing with my traumatized sister?

This turned out to be very long, there's a synthesis at the end. My (22FtM) sister (8F) has gone to summer camp and, for the first time, slept in a tent away from home. Except that the people looking after the kids for the night (mostly 16-17 yo teens) didn't mention that it was supposed to be a horror night, and my sister (probably the youngest of the group) was forbidden to come home or call her parents, both the night and the following day.

Of course she came back traumatized (considering that she's easily scared too) and began having full blown panic attacks, crying and whatnot. When we asked the people who ran the camp for an explanation, they said nothing was wrong with her, and that's why they called no one to pick her up, thus making it harder to reconstruct what happened to us and straight up lying, but this is a whole other story.

It has been two weeks for now and although she's gotten better, my sister still needs someone looking after her 24/7 or will start to get scared and risk having panic attacks, especially at night. This situation is extremely draining to everyone, but I'm constantly asked to babysit, a lot of the time interrupting whatever I have to do to look after her, or make the activities I was doing kid friendly (as a metalhead this means "no scary music" or if I'm playing games or watching something, it must be suitable for her). This is especially hard on me since for practical reasons I'm forced to share my room with her, and she will often hang around me, and it's not excluded that she may ask me to leave the room so that she can play on her own.

On top of this, my grandfather (my mom's stepdad) is currently in the hospital for heart surgery, which preoccupies my mother further and will take it out on everyone passive-aggresively since she's a really anxious person on her own, let alone in this situation.

I'm reaching a breaking point where I'm struggling to keep it together and not to lash out at everyone, meaning that I get nervous or snappy when tired and will need a lot of alone time since I can't get any during the day (I've been recently diagnosed as autistic, and only now acknowledging my own needs and not just "pushing through" them), to the point my mom is starting to blame the T I take because of my transition for my bad mood or straight up scolding me because I'm "exaggerating" or "not doing enough for the family".

I don't blame her but her behaviour is objectively making things worse to me, but anytime I tried to tell her about my feelings in the past she's been belittling them or storming out of the room without listening to me.

I'm considering going away for a couple of days, but I'm afraid that my absence may actually worsen the situation because I'm the only one in the house who can afford to and is actively putting work/studying to the side to make room for my family's needs, and without the extra help my mom gets the whole thing could become unsustainable for everyone, not just for me.

TLDR: WIBTA if I left my mom dealing with my 8 yo sister's trauma to prioritize my own mental health and my studies?

What are these acronyms?

[ravenromanova]

What dating them would be like:

Hi! i just wanted to do this little blurb for what i think it would be like to date Wanda, Bucky or Nat :) I will be posting soon once this cold goes the fuckkkkk away! Anyways i love y’all and i hope you have a good day! ❤️🖤

What dating Bucky would be like ✪:

~ He didn’t admit he had feelings for you til he got drunk one night on Thors asgardian mead. So when he did admit it he was slurring his words and stumbled over his feet. But when he got the words out it was the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard.

~ Once he was sober the next day he re-said his words to you and properly asked you out with breakfast in bed.

~ He likes when you really aloud stories from the 40’s to him.

~ Loves when you braid or just play with his hair.

~ Always has to be touching you in some way (ie: Holding your hand, His hand on your thigh, Gently brushing against you etc)

~ He takes you in a date night every friday unless he has a mission or vice versa.

~ He is extremely overprotective of you out in public and on missions.

~ Always tends to your wounds before his.

~Impromptu dancing in the living room to 40’s music.

~ Asks you to help him polish his metal arm.

~OBSESSED with your thighs and tits.

~ Has a mommy kink that comes out after a long and hard mission.

~ Loves to confess his love for you whenever he can.

~ Adores your smile and laugh.

~You’re the only one he will listen to on the field.

~ Major dominance kink!

~ Loves calling you endearing nicknames (Doll, Sweetheart, Sugar, Peach, Babydoll, Sweets, Love, Baby, Honey, Princess)

~ Speaks to you in russian even though you don’t understand it.

~ He is the only one ‘allowed’ to train with you other then the girls on the team (a male agent got too close for comfort one time)

~ Helps you through your panic attacks by wrapping you in a blanket and holding you close while whispering words of affirmation in your ear.

~ Buys you little things that make him think of you.

~ Always comes home with flowers for you.

~ When your sick he makes you chicken noodle soup and babies you til you feel better.

~ Takes care of you on your period (runs you a bubble bath, gets you a heating pad, cuddles you etc)

~ Loves dressing up with you for halloween.

What dating Wanda would be like ᗢ:

~ She asked you out after she saw you flirt with Maria hill at one of Tony’s parties. She took you outside and confessed her love for you underneath the moonlight.

~ She loves to watch sitcoms with you and relive her childhood.

~ Tells you stories of her growing up and what life was like in her country.

~ She is always cooking and she makes some of the best things you’ve ever had.

~ Loves to play with your hair while you’re cuddling.

~ Will use her magic to calm you if you’re having a bad day, nightmare etc.

~ Is quick to defend you if you mess up even if it’s your fault.

~ Checks up on you regularly on comms during missions.

~ Calls you nicknames in russian and english all the time.

~ When you’re having a bad day she turns on your favorite movie,gives you hot chocolate and cuddles you til you fall asleep.

~ Takes you on mini dates throughout the week.

~ When your sick she makes you chicken paprikash, Gives you medicine regardless of your protests, Makes you your favorite dessert to cheer you up.

~ Loves to shower you in affection and gifts.

~ Gets really excited when you ask her to decorate for christmas.

~ Bought you a kitten for your six month anniversary just because the kitten was cute.

~ Uses her magic to soothe your cramps on your period along with running you a bath, making your favorite meal and endless cuddles.

~ Tries to convince you to stay in bed all day everyday.

~ Is in love with your boobs (she uses them as a stress reliever)

~ Is a soft dom but when you make her made that’s when she gets really dominant.

~ Asks to do matching couples costumes for halloween.

What dating Natasha would be like ⧗:

~ She asked you out after you got hurt on a mission where you nearly died and told you she couldn’t bear the thought of you dying without knowing how she feels about you.

~ Hated physical touch until she met you.

~ Teaches you russian so you two can have private conversations.

~ Won’t let you go on a mission if she isn’t there just in case you get hurt.

~ Shoots daggers through her eyes if someone gets to close.

~ Extremely protective of you.

~ Got you a german shepherd to help with your mental health.

~ Would rather cuddle and stay in bed then do any work.

~ When you’re having a panic attack she wraps herself around you and plays with your hair while telling you how much she loves you.

~ She loves to be lovey dovey with you at all times which takes everyone off guard all the time.

~ Asks you to show her all your favorite movies even if they are stupid.

~ Treats you like a princess when you’re sick or on your period.

~ Tells you everyday that she plans on marrying you.

~ Takes you on motorcycle rides at night to look at the moon and stars together.

~ Bought an apartment six months after y’all were together so you two could have your own space.

~ Loves cooking for you even though she’s not the best (like at all)

~ Asks you to take ballet lessons with her.

~ MAJOR mommy kink that you found out about after you accidentally called her that and she went feral.

~ Is surprisingly really dominant in bed.

~ Braids your hair for you before missions.

~ Takes you on a date every saturday.

~ Had you meet her other family a year after dating just in case they scared you off.

~ Literally cannot be away from you at all.

~ Thinks you’re the most beautiful girl in the world and never fails to let you know.

~ Likes to take you hiking in secluded areas so it’s just you two.

~~end~~

Hi babies! I’m so sorry i haven’t actually posted anything in a while. I got hit with major writers block and then i got really sick and i’m still recovering. But i swear i will have the next part of “is it really you?” out soon along with a bunch of other fun stuff! Thank you so much for being so patient with me. I love y’all so much 🖤❤️

Masterlist

[writingpei]

han | 한지성: brother's best friend

tw: graphic descriptions of panic attacks, drinking, men being gross, claustrophobia

there was this very famous club in your city. almost everyone you knew had a story to tell about it, a remarkable experience, a fragment of youth.

well, everyone but you.

you had never stepped on the club, much to your dismay. now, freshly 19, you think this is your chance to go and create your own stories, have fun amid sweaty bodies and deafening music. that's why when one of your friends invites you to go with her, you don't hesitate to say yes, feeling the enthusiasm burning through your body.

that's until…

"what? why do you want to know about that place?" your older brother asks you skeptically, one eyebrow arching.

chan was only two years older than you and had already inhabited the four corners of the city, traveling at night from neighborhood to neighborhood, street to street.

"um, just curiosity" you make the excuse quickly, trying to get off target. "it's just that everyone talks about this place, i wanted to know what it's like"

"believe me" he turns to you, crossing his arms and assuming the big brother voice ready to lecture you. "you don't want to know. this place is pure bullshit. all the legends are illusions of people out of their minds, this place is a shithole"

"you've been there, haven't you?"

"yes and i regret it" he says. "and you better not go there either" and you knew you were screwed. he definitely, definitely couldn't have known your plans for that very night.

"ok, not like i'm going to go..." you say walking into the kitchen, trying not to incriminate yourself.

when you reach the door, you feel your body bumping against something hard, and you almost fall backwards if it weren't for an arm hooking around your back and pulling you to regain balance once again.

"oopsie" you heard that voice you already knew so well.

jisung and chan were friends since middle school and you got used to watching him grow up on your couch, at your dinner table and in your brother's room. you never really liked him, he was always riding the waves of sarcasm, a wittiness that oozed out of his mouth whenever he spoke, as if he liked to pick on you. there are certain moments that you remember.

on jisung's 15th birthday, chan asked for your help making a cake for him and you didn't mind helping, opting to bake a strawberry shortcake. surprisingly, you put a lot of effort into making it look nice, cutting the strawberry pieces into equal sizes and re-making the whipped cream 3 times until it was just perfect. what you were not expecting was that, on the day of his birthday as he arrived at your house, a small smirk appeared on his lips as soon as he saw the cake, and he just whispered softly so chan wouldn't hear "i hate strawberries". you don't know why you got so angry, but you ran to your room and stayed there until he left. chan comes to your room at dusk with a big smile on his face, and when he says "he ate the whole cake when he found out we made it, i almost couldn't get a taste of it" you get extremely confused.

another time was when you were 16. prom was lurking and people were already getting partners for the long awaited night. one of the school jocks showing up with a bouquet of flowers in front of you and asking you to be his partner wasn't exactly on your prediction list, but you were over the moon either way, so you playing with your bouquet as you walked home after school daydreaming about what you were going to wear. it was common for jisung to wait on the steps of your house when he arrived before chan did, which in your point of view was a strange attitude, but not unexpected, and precisely because of that you weren't surprised to see him there listening to music in a headphone. normally you'd ignore him, but it's freezing and the way he hugs his legs, he feels it too.

you invite him in without much exchange of words and his gaze is quickly captured by the bouquet in your arms, and he is not shy about asking you directly “who gave you those?”. you get red in the cheeks and say the boy's name, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. what confuses you is when jisung makes a disgusted face and just says “he's a douchebag, don't go to the prom with him" before going up to chan's room to wait for him there. you decide to let it go and pretend he didn't say anything to you to begin with continuing to stare at the beautiful bouquet in awe. your happiness lasts until jock comes to you the next day with a very different attitude than he had the day before, wasting no time in telling you that it was a prank and he wasn't going to take you to the prom under any circumstances.

han jisung was a strange fella, and in your years of knowing him - not by choice - you knew better not to dive way to deep into the meaning of his actions.

“you need to watch out” jisung says, still holding your waist. you take a deep breath and push him away, creating distance between the two of you, and that's when you notice he's eating his favorite cereal from his favorite bowl, emblazoned with little koalas.

“this is my house!” you exclaim.

“congratulations…?” he retorts by sending you a frown.

“why are you never in your own house?” you ask. “and why are you eating my cereal?!”

“why would i stay at my own house when yours is just…” he walks over to your brother, plopping down on the couch. “beautiful, stunning, amazing-”

“in my favorite bowl…” you sulk, seeing your precious bowl in the hands of a careless person like him.

“y/n, you said you're staying out for the night, didn't you?” chan suddenly asks and you feel your spine run cold.

“yeah… i'm going to sleep over at a friend's house” you try your best to lie as convincingly as possible. “i'll be back by morning”

“want me to take you there?” he asks, but you get even more nervous. you had agreed to meet at the club and then go to her house.

"no!" you exclaim, waving your hands in front of you. “ha ha, no need, chan. i know you guys will focus on your games, it's ok"

"are you sure?" chan asks, reaching for the video game controller.

you nod vigorously. “yes, yes, don't worry” and smiles too big, in feign naturalness.

behind chan, on the couch, jisung eyes you suspiciously, with a glazed look, as if he already knew exactly what you were up to. but he soon puts down the cereal and picks up a controller too, nudging chan with his shoulders and blurting out the “i want to be luigi”

“i'll be mario then” chan replies, and you take the cue to fly to your room and start getting ready.

the night arrives stealthily, with the sky being heard every second in an immense silence. you were never a person who challenged the authority of others and contradicted them just for the thrill of being rebellious, but curiosity and excitement took over all your senses, and with each step you took against the concrete of the street, more lively you stayed. you had dressed up a lot for the night out, running out the door as quickly as possible so chan wouldn't see you and not be surprised by your clothes and the makeup you'd done just to go “sleep at a friend's house”.

when you found her waiting at the entrance, she gave you a huge smile and ran towards you, also excited for what was to come.

“you look amazing!” she said, grabbing your shoulders and giving you a huge smile. “let’s not waste anymore time, tonight is going to be awesome!” before you could answer you were already being yanked towards the door. you took your last breath of fresh night air when you saw the front door swing open, a burning neon red light pouring through the crack.

in a second, you were in.

the music was deafening, you could feel it in your bones. bodies were a sea, and it felt like you never knew what personal space was. a heat from the bodies around you rose so fast the breath was knocked out of you. so many people having fun, the loud laughter and euphoric screams echoed through his mind, and the hope of the unforgettable night grew more and more inside your chest.

when you found the dance floor, your friend grabbed your hands and pulled you to dance until your feet started to hurt. a glass appeared in your hand, then another, and another, and then another.

“how about we sit down?” you yell for her to be able to hear just as your vision starts to blur into an endless jumble of colors.

“you can sit down, there's a guy who's been looking at me for hours, i'm going to go talk to him” your friend replies excitedly and soon disappears into the crowd.

once she disappears, some of the magic around it disappears as well. without the sight of a familiar face, the people around seem too close, the colors too bright, and the heat unbearable. you have to sit down, but at the moment you are right in the middle of a sea of ​​people moving like the waves, in an eternal and slow swing.

when you step out of the center and finally lean against a wall, you realize you're sweating. you try to take a deep breath and feel the fresh air you breathed outside to pass through your nose, but you can't. you feel a presence uncomfortably close to your side, and when you look in that direction, you see a tall, strange man smiling at you.

“hey you pretty thing, are you here all by yourself?” he approaches your ear, and you instinctively recoil.

“no, i’m here with a friend” you answer quickly, trying to get away from him.

"well, i don't see anyone here" he approaches once more, and in a wave of panic you run into the crowd, pushing your way through people as much as you can.

you only stop when you see the stairs leading upstairs, and see that the part underneath is completely empty and secluded. you go under the stairs and you can't believe the feeling of your body not touching anyone. the club has lost all its charm. the sounds merged into one, which hammers your head from side to side knocking the air out of your lungs and making your head throb.

your hands shake as you reach into your purse for your cell phone. your breath is out of control like your fingers when you scroll through your contact list looking for your friend, and when you find her, you don't hesitate to call her.

the phone rings once, twice, three times, and relief shoots down your spine when she picks up. “hey, i’m busy right now, wait for me downstairs”, however, is the only thing she says before hanging up in your face.

you can't believe it. tears pool like rivers in your eyes, and if you were shaking before, it's a lot worse now. this couldn't be happening, it had to be a prank. you were completely alone.

when your eyes hit the contact list one more time, you surrender. you had already lied, now all that was left was for you to try to correct your mistake once and for all. you endlessly search for chan's contact, hoping to heaven he comes to get you.

the phone keeps ringing for what seems like hours and you lose more and more hope that he will answer you. “hello” a soft voice answers you after several rings, and you grip the phone so hard your knuckles turn white.

“jisung?” you ask confused and check to see if you didn't call the wrong person.

“chan fell asleep hours ago, i ended up answering for him. what is that loud music?” but you just sit silently contemplating the weight of truth that will fall on your shoulders. “you went there, didn't you?” he asks quietly, as if he's being forced to deal with a reality he definitely doesn't want.

“i'm sorry” is all you manage to say before the tears flow freely down your face and sobs shyly escape your lips.

“hey, what happened?” his tone changed. the awkwardness of being talking to jisung in such a situation and his tone sounding oddly concerned doesn't take up significant space in her mind at the moment, the loud music clouding all her senses and thoughts instead.

“i came with a friend…” you start to say between sobs. “but she disappeared and left me alone. i'm all alone, jisung” you say, running your hand over your face to wipe away the tears. “and the music is too loud, there are too many people, i am totally lost“

“i’m going to pick you up” he says, and you can hear keys rattling on the other end of the line. the strangeness of his attitude hits you almost like a tickle. you never imagined that jisung, out of everyone, would be the one to come to your rescue. “but i need you to do something for me” he says suddenly after a few seconds of silence between them where all you can hear are his hurried footsteps.

"what?" you whisper, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

“stay with me on the phone until i get there. you're not alone, i'm here with you” he replies calmly, voice sweet and smooth as velvet. you nod even though you know he wouldn't be able to see, and you don't dare move the phone even a millimeter away from your ear. “now, do you think you can leave the club and wait for me at the entrance? it's going to be complicated, you'll have to go through everyone again, but you need me to catch you as soon as possible. you can do it, i know you can. i'm here with you"

the idea of ​​going back among everyone, in the center of the mess, the heat burning your skin once again makes your breathing, which had calmed down listening to jisung's voice oh so calm, become irregular again.

“i, uh, i can try…” you manage to blurt out and start to get out from under the climb slowly and carefully.

“i trust you, everything is going to be fine” he says, and you hear him start the car. “i’m already coming for you”

“thank you, jisung” you say timidly, but when you face the crowd, your feet stop as if they're frozen. “jisung, i don't know…” you take a deep breath looking around, looking for any other escape alternative, but you knew that was the only way.

"what is it? talk to me” he says patiently.

“can you keep talking to me until i cross to the other side? i don't think i can do it alone” you ask, hands shaking.

“of course” he answers, and doesn't waste another second for his voice to ring in his ear again. “i’ll tell you a story then”

you take a deep breath and try to put your full attention on the boy on the other end of the line, and then you take your first step into the crowd.

“do you remember when you were 16 and that guy asked you to the prom? then he dropped out a day later?” you frown, confused about what he could possibly tell you about this story. he had nothing to do with it anyway. “he was on the school team, but me and your brother were too. when you arrived with that bouquet and said that he, that guy, had asked you to the prom that was in my head all day. i knew him and i knew he was a jerk, that's why i said he was a douchebag and you should have said no. the next day i overheard him saying it was just a prank and he wasn't going to take you to the prom at all. i was so pissed off that i made him tell you it was a lie straight away, he was terrified because i was older than him i think, but at least he told you before it was too late”

a strange feeling bubbled up inside your chest. you noticed that the previously seemingly endless distance to the entrance had shrunk considerably, and now you could already see the fluorescent green 'exit' sign glowing above the door. “did you do all this to help me? you asked, genuinely surprised. "i didn't know you cared about me at all"

he laughs across the line lightly.

“care about you at all?” he repeats in a humorous tone. “i did that because i had the fattest crush on you, y/n” you stop right in front of the front door. everything behind you that used to scare you has dissipated in your head, and you think you've finally lost your mind and are hearing things.

“what?” it's the only thing that escapes your lips.

“did you manage to get out yet?” he changes the subject, but your mind won't let go of the words that flew from his mouth to his ears.

“what did you say, jisung?” you insist.

“i'm almost there” you take a deep breath and push the door to leave.

you can hardly believe it when the cool night air hits your skin and you can breathe out of the hot, sickening air inside the club, but your head is now floating on something different.

when you step outside the club, you see jisung's car parked in front as a kind of savior. as soon as he sees you, he jumps out of the car and comes running towards you, hair tousled and eyes puffy from sleep. it was the middle of the night, after all.

“are you ok?” he asks with slightly wide eyes, taking you by the shoulders with an extremely gentle touch.

“um, i think i am…” you start to say, but soon realize you can't take your eyes off his. you weren't used to being close to him like this, but contrary to what you expected, you didn't feel any revulsion. only his words took full hold of her senses. “did you have a crush on me?” you ask, and now he had no way to get away, standing in front of you.

his eyes widen further, and his mouth opens and closes a few times before he actually responds.

“yes, i- uh, had…” he says, his hands dropping from your shoulders and sliding to your forearms and pulling you closer slightly, eyes scanning your face for any signs of distress or injury. “you didn't take anything someone gave you, did you? didn't drink anything from someone else's cup?” you shake your head several times, not wanting to even think about what might have happened if you had. “thank god” he takes a deep breath before calmly pulling you into a tight hug, and the strangeness of the touch doesn't make you want to run away from him, quite the opposite. “you shouldn't have gone, he told you, this place is a shithole”

“i know” you are overcome with a feeling of guilt, and tears come back to your eyes when you think about how chan will react when he finds out what you did. “do you think he will be very angry?”

“oh, yeah, absolutely” he replies and you feel his chest shake slightly as a giggle escapes your sides. “but now it's okay, you're with me and i'm not angry. let's go home"

he pulls away from you and the lack of his touch on your skin just gives you a sense of loss, and when he starts walking to his car you just follow him.

the journey home is silent, and you begin to understand certain things. the strange behavior he always had with you, being at arm's reach all the time but at the same time, distant, never getting close.

“is that why you had that strawberry cake that time, on your birthday?” you ask out of the blue, taking your eyes off the window and looking at him from the corner of your eye as if if you looked at him all the way, you wouldn't have the courage to say what you wanted.

"oh, what do you mean?" he asks, but he knew well what you were talking about.

“because of your crush on me” you say softly.

“oh” he is silent for a while, only his breath reaches his ears. “yeah. it was because of that. i fucking hate strawberries” you chuckle but become infatuated with him, a conversation you never expected to have.

“is that why you came to get me?”

“what?” he asks, looking shocked. “i don't need a reason to help you. you were crying on the phone, i would never leave you alone in a situation like that”

“i know, i know” you say. “i wanted to know if… if that wasn’t left in the past, that’s all”

he looks at you with a confused look.

“why is that?” it's his turn to speak softly, looking at you carefully.

“i don’t know, i just…” you stop at a red light, and it seems that the fear has completely dissipated inside and you look him in the eye. “contrary to what i would have expected, i wouldn't hate the idea. you know, of you liking me”

he stands there looking you in the eyes too, mouth agape, head elsewhere.

“do you want me to say it then?” he whispers, eyes burning into yours. “do you want me to tell you that i liked you from the moment i met you?”

air is drawn from within you, a warm feeling warms your whole body. now it's you who has no answer.

“i do” is all you say.

he freezes, staring back and forth between his eyes and his lips, but when the green light flashes on the traffic light, the connection unfortunately breaks.

“your brother is going to kill me” he chuckles, eliciting a smile from you.

“well, as you saw today, i'm not very prone to follow things he says” you joke.

when the car pulls up in front of your house, the familiarity gives you an inexplicable sense of security. you and jisung walk side by side, arms touching lightly, but every touch makes the butterflies in your stomach dance. as soon as you enter the house, you turn to him suddenly, making him stop walking so he doesn't fall on top of you.

“thanks so much for helping me jisung” you say sincerely. he cannot imagine what would have happened if you had been there until now.

your hands tentatively move up to his rosy cheeks, and you pull him close enough to plant a peck on the tip of his nose.

“but i need to ask you one more favor” you say when you walk away, but your hands are still holding. his eyes shine like they have little stars in them, a constellation.

“tell me” he says softly. your house is silent, almost no light illuminates it. silence, whispers, and closeness only bring more intimacy.

“i want you to tell me everything tomorrow morning” you say, hands leaving his cheeks and going snakelike, tangling in his brown hair. “i want you to tell me everything, will you?”

after a few seconds of silence, feeling his warm breath against her face, he opens a smile, teeth showing.

“of course” he laughs. "tomorrow i'll tell you everything"

skz as romantic tropes masterlist

taglist: leeknowinggg

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

Get to Know Me tag

Ultimate Addition

Been tagged with multiple versions of this. Will do this all in one.

And maybe this will be the definitive version.

Thanks to: @herrmannhalsteadproduction here, @sleepywriter00 here, @mk-writes-stuff here and here, @dyrewrites here, @infinnative here, @buffythevampirelover here, and @mysticstarlightduck here.

Tagging @illarian-rambling @gottestod-writes @cowboybrunch @blind-the-winds @uninspired-platypuss @little-peril-stories @loopyhoopywrites @its-on-site @aalinaaaaaa @randomlettrrsqqssfxwcvhxnqbwriro @thepeculiarbird + anyone else

(y'all don't have to do all of these - pick one. Honestly you can do all of them but like...only if you really want to)

Version 1

Last Song - Driving the Last Spike (Genesis)

Currently Watching - Star Trek Voyager in my trek marathon, still have a little bit of Phineas and Ferb to rewatch, MythBusters, Whose Line is it Anyway, The Bad Batch as it comes out, and I keep forgetting the last bit of Hamster and Gretel is on D+ rip

Three Ships - uhhh the least controversial I feel will be Robin/Starfire (Teen Titans), Kirk/Spock (Star Trek), and Dakota/Cavendish (Milo Murphy's Law)

Favorite color - T E A L 🩵💚 it slaps. Btw this: 🩵 is not teal but it's the emoji that pops up when I type teal wtf teal is GREENER that's like cyan which also has the same emoji I'm sick of people calling light blue teal

Currently reading - beta reading Whispers by @magic-is-something-we-create and making my way through Purple Hyacinth on Webtoon

Currently consuming - uh just woke up will have my coffee in a bit

Place of birth - Earth

Currently location - pretty sure it's Earth

Last movie - True Lies (first time watching)

Version 2

Are you named after anyone? No my mom was sick of the family name she was given so revolted against peer pressure.

When was the last time you cried? Uhh couple days ago got caught in traffic due to an accident and went a separate way only to find myself on the feeder road with more traffic from another accident so I had to pull into a Jaguar parking lot before I got full a panic attack

Do you have kids? No please dear God. Future students are my kids.

What sport do you/have you played? Soccer when I was like in kindergarten.

Do you sarcasm? See next answer

What's the first thing you notice about someone? That they exist

Eye color? Brown

Scary movie or happy ending? These aren't opposites?? Scary movies have happy endings! So happy endings.

Any talents? Uh, writing, I guess. Media analysis. I can read fast. I'm Gen Z and can write in cursive. I kick ass at the puzzle match mini game on Wii Party.

Where were you born? *Double checks* yeah still Earth

Hobbies? Writing, reading, watching TV, scrolling through Tumblr, media analysis, watching YouTube, daydreaming, listening to music, useless data analysis

Any pets? Two cats

Height? 5'4

Favorite subject? ELAR (reading/writing) that's why I want to teach it

Dream job? See above

Version 3

Currently reading - answered this above

Last song - I'm doing this on a different day (sorry) and now it's Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Queen)

Currently watching - said above

Current fic - uh I'm just reading the stuff I already said

Current hyperfixation - brain recently has been toggling between Phineas and Ferb, Teen Titans (2003), Avatar The Last Airbender, Megamind, and my WIP The Secret Portal so uh pick one

Favorite color - T E A L

Sweet/spicy/savory - I guess savory but yeah depends on mood

Relationship status - happily dating ❤️

Last thing I Googled - Ming-Na Wen (wanted to know her age. She's 60)

Song stuck in my head - currently Somebody To Love (Queen - was listening to the greatest hits)

Favorite food - my dad's food, specifically his Cincinnati chili and his cake

Dream trip - New Zealand or Tokyo

Version 4

(highlight what describes you)

APPEARANCE

Dark hair* // I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // I have one or more piercings // I have at least one tattoo // I have dyed or highlighted my hair // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don't often smile// I am pleased with how I look // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball hats backwards

*up for debate

ACTIVITIES/INTERESTS

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami* // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with friends // I travel during work or school breaks // I can do a handstand

*with instructions and not well

RELATIONSHIPS

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year// I have a crush* // I have a friend I've known for ten years // my parents are together // I have dated my best friend+ // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long distance relationship^ // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends // I have made an online friend // I met up with someone I have met online

*does my gf count as a crush? I still act like it lol

+am dating

^i think this is referring to romance but I do have other friends in other states

SEASONS

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sunrise* // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire // I pay close attention to colours // I find mystery in the ocean // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favourite season

*I think once could be making that up

Take your bets if I'm an outdoorsy person (nope)

MISCELLANEOUS

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // I am the mom friend // I live by a certain quote // I like the smell of Sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower* // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed+ // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

*quietly

+used to

EDIT: I've decided to add onto this post whenever I get a new get to know me tag, so from here on out this was not in the original post

Version 5

I'm over 5'5 / I wear glasses or contacts (glasses) / I have blonde hair / I often wear sweatshirts (I think some of them count?) / I prefer loose clothing over tight clothes / I have one or two piercings / i have at least one tattoo / i have blue eyes / i have dyed or highlighted my hair / i have or have had braces / i have freckles / i paint my nails / I typically wear makeup / i don't often smile / resting boss face / i play sports (was in soccer in kindergarten haha) / I play an instrument (used to, violin) / i know more than one language (I know some ASL but I've forgotten most of it... ) / I can cook or bake / i like writing / i like to read / i can multitask / I have never dated anyone / I have a best friend that I have known for over five years (Cado, how has it been seven years almost????) / I am an only child

Version 6

Last song: as of answering this, technically I watched Psych so the theme song!

Favorite color: you should know this at this point in the post

Currently watching: Psych like I said, also Star Trek Voyager and a few on the side still (see above)

Sweet/spicy/savory: see Version 3

Current obsession: ...Psych but also my WIPs :)

Last thing I googled: thesaurus because I was doing the @sipofsnips and didn't have the word this morning

Favorite season: they all suck but I'll go with fall

Skill I'd like to learn: I want to draw good

Best advice: "thinking about it counts as working on it" because it's changed my outlook on how much I get done in a day, "progress is progress" for similar reasons but more general, and generally that if you burn yourself out trying to do everything nothing gets done

Woo! This was a LOT holy shit. Hope you know more about me!

Version 7

A scent you love: ooh cookies baking smells wonderful

Something you're looking forward to this week: finals finished yesterday which means more free time for me! I get to catch up on reading and writing!!

Currently reading: beta for Whispers by @magic-is-something-we-create WHICH I CAN FINALLY GET BACK TO WOOOO

Currently playing: not a video game person sorry - but I've been occasionally picking at mobile games like Animal Restaurant

Most recent movie: uh... When did I last watch a movie?? I think it was True Lies?? First time watching. Wasn't expecting it to be as chaotic as it was.

Current show: Star Trek Voyager and Psych! Partially rewatch/first time watching every episode and total rewatch respectively! I've not seen either since middle school so this is super exciting

Favorite season: autumn because it's starting to get cooler and pollen isn't everywhere

Recently learned: took a life in the universe class this semester and learned a lot about life in the universe (obviously) and while I have mixed feelings about the class MAN the content was fascinating

Water intake: currently drinking water like always :) । have to pee

[creatingnikki]

What I've learned in 2023 (part II)

x. 2023 shattered my glass on my highly sitcom/books/pop culture tinted glasses through which I have been seeing life. Of course I am the main character of my life and of course I am both a writer and a romantic. But it's dangerous to think of my life as a story and to subconsciously do things for the plot. Okay I don't even think that's what I have been doing. I think the main issue is that I have the cognitive distortion of "should". Shout out to my therapist for making me finally see it. I'm constantly like but I should do this, I should think this way, I should feel this way, it should have been that way. She asked me, 'But should according to who or what? Which is this invisible rulebook of yours? And honestly I didn't have an answer then. It took me months to finally see it. My 'should' rule book has been one from pop culture. I like the idea of things being a certain way, playing out a certain way that's poetic, profound, meaningful, or rounded but that's the thing, right? Real life is not like that. It also does not have this well-written script that people I am interacting with will follow. And I cannot be so disheartened or disappointed with that.

xi. This year has also been the year where I can finally see that asking someone for something that they are either not capable of giving or willing to give and have clearly communicated that to you is a form of self-harm. If you keep repeatedly asking them for that or expecting/hoping that one day they will, it's a sure shot way of making yourself go crazy and feeling so very bitter, resentful, and frustrated. You have to let people be who they are and decide if you want to have something to do with them.

xii. Your feelings will not kill you. Sit with them or simply self-soothe. Don't constantly reach out to an external force for temporary relief (i.e., other people, esp the ones you want to move on from). So if your self soothing means lying on the cool marble floor like a starfish, do it. If that means watching a Hindi soap with your mom, do it. If that means making a list of things distressing you, make it. If it means crying, cry. If it taking a shower + crying + listening to sad music, do it. I want you to start relying a little more on yourself + regulating your emotions instead of feeling like you will absolutely die if you sit with yourself.

xiii. Had a full blown panic attack when I realized this one morning after an exhausting night with a situationship (tw: sexual abuse). Most of my relationships with men as an adult were me finding myself in equations where I feel dirty, where I feel mistreated, unloved, used, and unloved. Subconsciously repeating patterns because it's one of my biggest traumas/wounds. Because this is how "intimacy" was introduced to me at 15 when I was abused. That's what I keep recognizing as love? Unlearn. Unlearn. Unlearn.

xiv. If someone is pointing out something about your personality or you and labeling it as a problem that's a problem especially when it has nothing to do with them. Unless you label it as a problem they shouldn't be doing that. That's presumptuous and somebody who is harshly judging you. It's not a safe space.

xv. Human behaviour is fickle. That's why boundaries exist. So they can guide your present actions and make sure they are aligned with your personality/values/etc. It's very easy to be "in the moment" and do something that makes no sense given the bigger picture. That's why boundaries exist, so that you don't find yourself in such moments. iykyk.

xvi. You do not need to share everything that's happening in your life, that's going on in your mind, etc., with absolutely anybody. And that's not any form of betrayal or secrecy. It's really just realizing that no one needs to constantly be updated on everything in your life. It's exhausting, it's unnecessary, and it breaks your sense of clarity and confidence with regards to your intuition and perspective on most things. Cutting out the noise cannot begin if you keep feeding into it.

xvii. Here's my permission slip to say no and not back it up with a reason. You are a people pleaser. You want everyone to be satisfied and try to pacify them as much as you can. You make it about you so they don't feel bad. You justify your nos so much. But this must stop. When you want to go pee and you ask someone where the restroom is, do you feel the need to tell them why you are asking or why you have to pee? No, right? Just like that with a lot of things in life, you don't need to dish out explanations and elaborate on what you say. Especially when it comes to saying a no. Especially when it comes to saying a no to men. When you don't want to sleep with someone, be their girlfriend, go on a date with them, etc., you can just say no. The ones who don't respect that or don't get it - ghost them.

xviii. I know, I know you hate the concept of ghosting. But sometimes that's the only way. Be straight, communicate, yes. But then when the person isn't even listening to what you're saying, is completely disregarding you, then baby, just fucking ghost the fuck out of them. Them ignoring your no and constantly calling you, texting you, etc., is harassment. You don't need to put up with that. Don't put up with that.

xix. You've arrived at the problem areas for most things but not the solutions. This year you figured out most of the questions that need answering. But you are yet to begin figuring out their answers. That may not be as simple or as final as you'd like. Maybe the answers will come in layers too, from different sources, in varied ways. Focus. Trust your intuition. Don't let feelings dictate your decisions. Only feel your feelings. Let the decision making happen based on your lessons, values, and objective thought processes. You've done it before. You'll do it again. It's you, my love. And what can you not do once you've set your mind to do it?