#notes to me

[creatingnikki]

When you love yourself enough, meaning when you understand your needs enough and believe that they are worthy, you will no longer find attractive people who cannot fulfill those things for you.

— Mayim Bialik

Over 50% of those in my life do not fulfill my needs. What does this say about them? What does this say about me? Why do I find them attractive? Do I really not love myself? Do I really not understand myself? Think my needs are not worthy of being met?

Why was I obsessing over the possibility of this new friend when he is so flaky and bad at basic texting? What about him did I find so attractive? The idea of the kind of friend he could be and the idea of the kind of friendship we could nurture. But that's the thing — if I keep being attracted to the idea of what can be, falling in love with the potential of people I meet, that's not seeing the glass as half full. That is seeing a mirage in a desert. I may think it's an oasis but it's only an illusion. It will not even leave me thirsty but dehydrated. And we all know that can be fatal.

What are my needs? My basic needs in relation to another person are consistency, communication, effort, and sincerity. And whether or not a person is capable of meeting these needs...time is the only way to know. You have to give people time. You have to give yourself time. Haven't you learned this lesson time and again?

Time is the best revealer of a person's personality and intentions. Not your intuition, not the spark you may feel with them, not their words, not even isolated actions. Only time.

Also take some time to understand your needs better, to understand yourself better. You are someone who wants to be seen, understood, and loved. You are someone who wants to feel safe. You are someone who wants to be taken care of. You are someone who wants to spend quality time on a regular basis with those you like.

You are someone who wants to hear the other person express how much they like you, what makes them think of you, the things they want to do with you, how they felt about spending time with you. You are someone who wants the other person to remember the little things about you like how you don't eat mushrooms and how you get when you drink wine vs vodka vs whisky. You are someone who wants them to plan things to do together and to be proactive and exert themselves and not put the headache of all the logistics on you.

You are someone who wants long hugs and reassurance. You are someone who wants to feel wanted and needed and desired and devoured.

I don't know if this is all just the bare minimum or if it's all too much. I don't care. All I know is these are my needs. And I know for a fact that they are worthy of being met because I am.

And there are no double standards here right. These are things I do and will do for those who mean something to me. And take the effort of understanding their needs and seeing how I can fulfill them.

I know it probably can never get to 100%. I cannot have 100% of the people in my life who fulfil most of my needs. But I at least want 20% of the people to meet 80% of my needs. Because those 20% of the people will mean the most to me. My friends, family, and partner.

But right now it feels like 80% of the people in my life don't even manage to meet 20% of my needs. And that's a very horrible feeling. And a sure shot recipe of feeling lonely, dissatisfied, and jaded. And 26 is too young to feel this way.

[docdufresne]

Had a dream last night that i was a knight and this bigger scarier knight had me on the ground and right before he swung his sword at my neck he said smth like "i mourn the loss of life for the tree who will become your coffin" which shouldnt have turned me on like it did but alas

[who-do-i-know-this-man]

Both Selfish; you each lose 2 points

You Selfish, prev Cooperative; You gain 2 points

You Cooperative, prev Selfish; You lose 1 point, prev gains 1 point

Both Cooperative; You Each gain 1 points

(ps make sure to say what you voted)

Making this post long so you have to scroll to see prev's tags.

[codecicle-archive]

Guys I'm so glad everyone loves hit JRWI campaign: The Suckening so much. 12 thousand notes on just a thumbnail that's so cool. Anyone think about emizel pussy-out post revival

[kochei0]

I turn to Ares.

Thanks to Tyler Miles Lockett who allowed me to draw inspiration from his ARES piece for page 2! Look at his etsy page it's SICK

⚔️ If you want to read some queer retelling of arturian legends have a look at my webtoon

[rosegoldenatlas]

So a lot of Trump supporters want to change the constitution to allow him to run for a third term. How they advertised this idea?

Fanart of Trumps face on Julius Caesars head.

Oh and look what is coming up soon, what a coincidence :)

Thats so weird and odd and Do You Know What Would Be Really Funny?

[todayisdeadinside]

if you have "cishet men dni" in your bio i, a trans man, will not touch you with a 10 foot pole. i should not be forced to out myself as a trans man just to interact with you. on top of that, cishet men are not inherently evil. stop trying to reinvent bioessentialism with your "girl good, boy bad!" mentality.

[blueskittlesart]

read that post blacked out and woke up with this on my computer. crazy. stay safe out there everyone

[teethstoobigmouthwontclose]

In a fantasy setting, my job would be exactly the same

[reraen]

Rn I have big stress. Words hard. Even when writing. Rlly close to big kaboom of brain. I need long break. Long, long break. I record here. For myself. How bad. But still not big kaboom yet. Rlly close. Big kaboom. Big kaboom rlly close.

Too much stress no breathing lot. Need this 2 pass fast. Past 2 slow. 2 slow. Me no like. No good. Keep reminding do deep breath but hard. I try. Hopefully get better after rest. Lot rest. But rn huge stress. No like.

[shamefulzombie]

Not Perfect

[creatingnikki]

What I've learned in 2023 (part II)

x. 2023 shattered my glass on my highly sitcom/books/pop culture tinted glasses through which I have been seeing life. Of course I am the main character of my life and of course I am both a writer and a romantic. But it's dangerous to think of my life as a story and to subconsciously do things for the plot. Okay I don't even think that's what I have been doing. I think the main issue is that I have the cognitive distortion of "should". Shout out to my therapist for making me finally see it. I'm constantly like but I should do this, I should think this way, I should feel this way, it should have been that way. She asked me, 'But should according to who or what? Which is this invisible rulebook of yours? And honestly I didn't have an answer then. It took me months to finally see it. My 'should' rule book has been one from pop culture. I like the idea of things being a certain way, playing out a certain way that's poetic, profound, meaningful, or rounded but that's the thing, right? Real life is not like that. It also does not have this well-written script that people I am interacting with will follow. And I cannot be so disheartened or disappointed with that.

xi. This year has also been the year where I can finally see that asking someone for something that they are either not capable of giving or willing to give and have clearly communicated that to you is a form of self-harm. If you keep repeatedly asking them for that or expecting/hoping that one day they will, it's a sure shot way of making yourself go crazy and feeling so very bitter, resentful, and frustrated. You have to let people be who they are and decide if you want to have something to do with them.

xii. Your feelings will not kill you. Sit with them or simply self-soothe. Don't constantly reach out to an external force for temporary relief (i.e., other people, esp the ones you want to move on from). So if your self soothing means lying on the cool marble floor like a starfish, do it. If that means watching a Hindi soap with your mom, do it. If that means making a list of things distressing you, make it. If it means crying, cry. If it taking a shower + crying + listening to sad music, do it. I want you to start relying a little more on yourself + regulating your emotions instead of feeling like you will absolutely die if you sit with yourself.

xiii. Had a full blown panic attack when I realized this one morning after an exhausting night with a situationship (tw: sexual abuse). Most of my relationships with men as an adult were me finding myself in equations where I feel dirty, where I feel mistreated, unloved, used, and unloved. Subconsciously repeating patterns because it's one of my biggest traumas/wounds. Because this is how "intimacy" was introduced to me at 15 when I was abused. That's what I keep recognizing as love? Unlearn. Unlearn. Unlearn.

xiv. If someone is pointing out something about your personality or you and labeling it as a problem that's a problem especially when it has nothing to do with them. Unless you label it as a problem they shouldn't be doing that. That's presumptuous and somebody who is harshly judging you. It's not a safe space.

xv. Human behaviour is fickle. That's why boundaries exist. So they can guide your present actions and make sure they are aligned with your personality/values/etc. It's very easy to be "in the moment" and do something that makes no sense given the bigger picture. That's why boundaries exist, so that you don't find yourself in such moments. iykyk.

xvi. You do not need to share everything that's happening in your life, that's going on in your mind, etc., with absolutely anybody. And that's not any form of betrayal or secrecy. It's really just realizing that no one needs to constantly be updated on everything in your life. It's exhausting, it's unnecessary, and it breaks your sense of clarity and confidence with regards to your intuition and perspective on most things. Cutting out the noise cannot begin if you keep feeding into it.

xvii. Here's my permission slip to say no and not back it up with a reason. You are a people pleaser. You want everyone to be satisfied and try to pacify them as much as you can. You make it about you so they don't feel bad. You justify your nos so much. But this must stop. When you want to go pee and you ask someone where the restroom is, do you feel the need to tell them why you are asking or why you have to pee? No, right? Just like that with a lot of things in life, you don't need to dish out explanations and elaborate on what you say. Especially when it comes to saying a no. Especially when it comes to saying a no to men. When you don't want to sleep with someone, be their girlfriend, go on a date with them, etc., you can just say no. The ones who don't respect that or don't get it - ghost them.

xviii. I know, I know you hate the concept of ghosting. But sometimes that's the only way. Be straight, communicate, yes. But then when the person isn't even listening to what you're saying, is completely disregarding you, then baby, just fucking ghost the fuck out of them. Them ignoring your no and constantly calling you, texting you, etc., is harassment. You don't need to put up with that. Don't put up with that.

xix. You've arrived at the problem areas for most things but not the solutions. This year you figured out most of the questions that need answering. But you are yet to begin figuring out their answers. That may not be as simple or as final as you'd like. Maybe the answers will come in layers too, from different sources, in varied ways. Focus. Trust your intuition. Don't let feelings dictate your decisions. Only feel your feelings. Let the decision making happen based on your lessons, values, and objective thought processes. You've done it before. You'll do it again. It's you, my love. And what can you not do once you've set your mind to do it?

[boltlightning]

oh my god. og my god. the symbolism of it all

[peachdoxie]

Interesting news for fucked up weirdos who enjoy body horror and exploring differences between Self and Other

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again