#AM I DOING SOMETHING WRONG????? DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE THESE CONTROLS???? I DONT BELIEVE THEM. THIS SUCKS.

[lycanwlf]

... so is sonic adventure 2 always complete ass to play no matter what and the sonic hivemind has just lied to me again or am i just comically stupid

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

[itgomyway]

(you)r sp and you ♡

i have already made a post about how you should love yourself and your sp will love you almost as much (bc they actually are you!) but lets go into more detail

a lot of you guys, including me, wanted to get into a relationship. and with that, youve discovered the law of assumption. the basics start off with whatever you assume will be. but after months of arguing, harassment, and bullying on twitter, you’re probably confused and too scared to ask.

FUCK THAT. let me be the one to tell you that none of it matters. you very much can and WILL manifest your sp. others false opinions (false because theyre not real) mean nothing. this isnt a loass post though im talking about non dualism (which is not the same).

“but wait… i want my sp and non dualism isnt about getting so why would i-“ because your sp shouldnt be someone that brings you happiness. they should be someone who adds to your quality of life. why does that sound like loass vs non dualism? because it is.

people use the law of assumption to manifest desires for their physical world. theres nothing wrong with that! that is how i manifested my current relationship. however, when we speak about non dualism, it goes beyond trying to get anything. youre just being. and “getting” into a relationship can very much help or make your false sense of self feel better. you as consciousness know relationships themselves dont exist because it is you but your ego, the false sense of self doesnt know that. it wants to experience love as part of the human condition. but youre still not getting anything. lemme explain.

you were trying to “get” something that was never outside of you TO make you happy. that doesnt make sense when not only are they you, but they are apart of you. everything your awareness is on “reflects” how you feel about yourself because all there is is you.

lets go back to non dualism’s basics. everything is consciousness = you creation is brought on by your awareness = you. “but back when x happened-“ the past and the future do not exist. the only thing that exist is now. you cant “apply” this way of thinking to something that doesnt exist. that makes no sense. youre just going to confuse yourself. i am telling you RIGHT NOW the only truly real thing is YOU. that is all there is and will ever be. you can control your awareness through observations meaning youre in total control. read that again.

so when it comes to your sp, romantic or not, they are never not yours. they were never not you or not a part of you. every thought, feeling, affirmation, or word you wrote down, they have received. because its you. think about it. are you ever aware of anything youre unaware of? (no). because things only exist the moment youre aware of them!

and remember, if something can come to our awareness like a relationship and leave our awareness it is not real. but you, as consciousness are infinite and are always here and always consciousness. so you are real!

after discovering non dualism i have thought about the feelings my boyfriend has presented to me and how they currently match the feelings i have for myself. i have always loved myself and will always love myself. if i didnt, how could i expect my creation, which is a projection of my own self image, to have different feelings than me? your sp isnt a separate person. Your relationships will always show how you feel about yourself, romantic or platonic. they’re not real because they come and go through your awareness but your ego as the false self believes they are. and thats okay. thats its job. let it be and observe them as consciousness.

nothing can happen outside of your awareness because the moment you are aware/conscious of something, it exist instantly. so if your sp is treating you the way you dont want to be treated then reflect on your own feelings about yourself. this DOES NOT necessarily mean work on your self concept. ask yourself if “you” think youre worthy of what it is your ego desires. a lot of my blockage came from that. i had to fall in love with myself so my ego could comprehend how i could be loved. because its still me.

lets talk about “free will”.

“free will” doesn’t exist. lemme tell you why. the idea of free will is a person outside of you having a say in their own life. the basic principle of non dualism means theres only one being, consciousness (you). so tell me how can “another person” “outside” of you have a say in their “own lives” when none of that exist in the first place?

your sp having or not having free will shouldn’t effect how you feel about them unless you see them as a separate entity outside of you. they’re not an “object” you control theyre your creation and another form of consciousness so of course you have control over your creations you have control over EVERYTHING.

your sp feels the same way you feel about yourself. always. if you dont feel good about yourself then i do suggest working on your self concept. not to “get” anything but for YOURSELF! why not love yourself? why cart that responsibility off to your creation?

at the end of the day, itll just be you surrounded by your creations. you can pick and choose what they are specifically BUT THE ONLY REAL THING IS YOU

© itgomyway

[lilacartsmadsion]

I am scared to talk about this, and have been for a while.

Am I really the asshole in this situation? Am I really racist and fucked up for headcanon-ing berserk cacao as a (sort of) mindless beast? Because I am actually beginning to believe so.

I and some others are being harassed for having different interpretations of Berserk Cacao.

Let me explain

Basically I was banned from RiverArts server about my fic about Berserk cacao eating pomegranate, which I deleted when I understood how fucked up it was, and understandably they felt uncomfortable.

But then they went as far as to post it on twitter, without censoring me and the other 14 YEAR OLD’S names, and basically ‘expose’ me and @cakehoundsyndrome and their friend for their supposed ‘racism’ towards cacao. And these are basically adults. Also, I just need to call out the hypocrisy of River for a second that @randomspagetti also made a point on in twitter, is that they got mad at @cakehoundsyndrome for making licorice be abused in their past when they did the same to wildberry.

And also, most people on twitter agreed with Minty0oz and RiverArt in calling us racist and saying we’re fucked up and saying we’ve crossed the line.

I believe the line was crossed when you all decided to harass 14 year olds.

And may I add, we have apologised so many times, but they have actively ignored them and chose to keep harassing us.

Please..I need you and @kotymeaw’s opinion.

Ahem-

Although I do respect those who actively try and actively promote portraying black people as monsters being bad,

However I will say a few things…

1.) Do not harass 14 year olds OR MINORS, for headcanoning something that they did not know was wrong.

I would like to remind you that some of us 14 year olds were not accustomed to racial representation in our early lives, some of us are not aware there are DO’s and DONT’s when it comes to racial representation. Therefore as the ADULTS in the situation, you should know better than to actively bully and harass a minor for their mistakes and behavior. That does not do them good in the future.

(Speaking from someone who was ACTIVELY BULLIED FOR HAVING AN OPINION OR BEING HERSELF IN REAL LIFE TO THE POINT WHERE PEOPLE TOLD ME ‘DO NOT BE FRIENDS SHE’S BAD’ TO MY FACE! I WAS A FUCKING CHILD, IT DID NOT HELP ME AT ALL I WAS BULLIED INTO FUCKING INTENSE SOCIAL ANXIETY)

Harassing people for making mistakes even after they apologize and try their damnest to make a mistake. (AND HAVING AN APOLOGY THAT IS BETTER THAN COLLEEN.) WILL NOT turn them into a better person, perhaps, you’ll turn them out for the worst.

What if you harass someone for that and they never put racial representation in their works again because their scared of getting it wrong? That can happen.

Especially if you harass MINORS, most of the time minors are still children, they still need to grow on their own pace, trying to teach them through bullying and harassment won’t help them, it will only make them worse or make them disappear off the face of the fucking planet.

2.) Berserk Cacao has not been confirmed to be a derivative of his trauma nor was it derived from Pomegranate’s spell.

Pomegrante’s spell might have activated it, BUT-! She lost control of the spell THEN Cacao went Berserk.

The moment Cacao RESISTED Pomegranate lost control of the spell and Cacao went Berserk, causing him to lose control as well.

Berserk Cacao is only created by Cacao’s sheer will and need to defend himself, not a result of his trauma. Pomegranate remarks ‘Is this the power of the Soul Jam?’ Meaning even she underestimated how powerful Cacao was.

I want you to remember that Cacao has the powers of A GOD in his hands, the Ancients are canonically OP as fuck. Cacao ‘Split the Day and Night’ in his story when fighting dragons, Pure Vanilla sealed a WHOLE ASS KINGDOM WITH HIS SHEER MIGHT ALONE WITHOUT ANY SOUL JAM! Hollyberry can SINGLE HANDEDLY DEAL WITH ANY DRAGON.

So in lore technically yes, Cacao can resist Pomegranate’s mind spell. It’s just a misconception that Pomegranate had control over the situation.

Berserk Cacao was not created by trauma, he was created as a defensive mechanism from Cacao’s sheer will alone. However, Cacao mindlessly attacked because he thought he was in incredible danger, he started attacking his subjects, the main crew and even Pomegranate herself the cookie who they said WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION was scared of Cacao.

And this is a power established by the Soul Jam.

(Look, I’m an overthinker, and though I am currently procrastinating on the lore of CRK, I did NOT procrastinate on a whole lore about the damn Soul Jam because damnit do I need it for my own fanfic, wanna know why I joined this darn fandom, FOR THE LORE AND FOR THE THEORIES SO YOU CAN CALL ME MATPAT FOR ALL I CARE!)

Again…

Please DO NOT HARASS 14 year olds for their mistakes it is your job as adults to GUIDE THEM.

I don’t care if you’re 16 or 15 YOU ARE THEIR SENIOR YOU ARE THEIR ELDEST YOU ARE THEIR EXAMPLE YOU DO NOT HARASS THEM.

Because they’re either gonna destroy themselves or others. Who knows they might learn to harass others everytime they do something wrong.

Why am I saying this? That’s literally my role in real life, I am an elder sister of one. And she gets into a lot of toxic people in her life. If I see you doing this again, Be sure I’ll make you feel a taste of your own medicine and dig up some old wounds.

DO NOT HARASS MINORS, you adults SHOULD KNOW BETTER. You are the adults, they are the teenagers. You are supposed to be teachers, guides and examples for them, NOT THE SOURCE OF THEIR PAIN. BE BETTER EXAMPLES.

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

hihii do you have ideas for writing the fab four as ghosts? also what do you think halloween would be like in the zones? i'm attempting to write fanfiction for like the first time ever and you're basically the killjoys fanfiction mutual so i'm coming to you lol

i am absolutely honored to be considered the killjoys fanfiction mutual!! sorry this took forever to get to ive been battling a headache all day 😅

the fab four as ghosts is an interesting concept that ive never really thought about before!!! i mean i wrote one fic once kind of abt party as a ghost but that wasnt really the main focus.. anyways, there's a tooooon of super cool ways to explore that concept just in how they died alone. like is this a post sing thing where they all died together saving the girl? if thats the case i could easily see them following her around over the years, using what limited connection to the physical world they have to influence minor things and keep her safe as she grows up alone in the desert. or maybe (bc im a sucker for ghosts who dont remember their mortal lives) they have no memory of the girl or each other but they all decide to stick together bc they're scared and confused and There and they just kind of wander around together until they stumble upon the girl and they feel this strange pull to Protect Her

or if it's not post sing and they've all died in different ways, maybe this is an au and they meet as ghosts and they become known as this phantom crew, legends that wander the zones and take out dracs in the dead of night, only to be seen by those already well aquatinted with death

as for individual behaviors, i think taking the name fun ghoul literally would be really fucking cool. im pretty sure the general consensus abt ghouls is that they haunt graveyards so maybe ghoul specifically hangs around grounds where lots of death occurs, like common grounds for bli ambushes and firefights and shit. it's absolutely br the most annoying ghost ever, going out of his way to spook people by doing alll the classic horror movie shit. that motherfucker is howling and making weird noises in the dead of night, he is levitating objects and moving shit that shouldn't move and flickering lights and just being a general menace to the living

i think party would take a LONG time to accept the fact that they're dead, if they ever even admit it to themself at all. i feel like they have this sort of bitter, jaded relationship with death and the witch and the whole concept of the afterlife, and admitting that they're a ghost would be admitting that all the shit they weren't sure if they believed in was real the while time. and too, depending on how they died, i could easily see them having a sort of bitter breakdown over the fact that they've just been allowed to die with no fanfare. they've literally given their life for this cause and now that theyre dead and nothings changed or is changing it feels like they lived their whole life for nothing, like they lived their whole life wrong almost.

jet and kobra im having less immediate thoughts on. out of all of them, though, i think jet would be the most likely to try and find a way back to life. idk if youve read ttid but uh. yeah. i see her a bit like that, where she refuses to accept that this is the end of her story and she tries whatever she can to make it continue

kobra as a ghost i think would change a lot depending on how he died. if it was something out if his control like illness or a bad run on the crash track i think hed be more "go with the flow it is what it is" about it. if he was killed though he would dedicate his afterlife to revenge, and maybe actually no matter how he died hed end up becoming vengeful after long enough bc hed star thinking about why he was even put under the circumstances to die in the desert and hed think about his hatred for bli... yeah actually no matter what i think hed become a vengeful spirit!! hed go and hun down whoever killed him and make them fucking suffer, and then hed go and do the same for every drac and ever crow, every exterminator he can get his hands on. his mortal life was horrible and he is going to spend his afterlife making sure the ones responsible for his suffering get what they fucking deserve

uhhhh this has turned out wayyy longer than i meant it to so im gonna make the Halloween in the zones part its own post and I'll tag you in that when its done!! i hope at least some part of this was helpful or inspiring in a way, cant wait to see what you end up writing :]

[iwilllearntowrite]

I am deeply terrified of being an evil person, unknowingly or without being able to fully face it.

Not just becoming evil, but simply being a fundamentally bad person. That my intentions are wrong and I am actually lying to myself. That I have manipulated myself and everyone around me into believing I am a kind person. That my existence in itself has a bad impact on others because it is inevitable for me to do harm just like any human at some point in their life maybe ? Because its impossible not to ? No, this is me trying to normalize sick behavior actually.

I often feel like I am imposing, like people are simply tolerating me, and when they try to reassure me I feel even worse because what if I manipulated them ? And it leads me to think I am even worse than I could picture. I interpret everything as proof that I am deeply terrible, including my loved ones trying to tell me the opposite, to the point where I am not only lying to myself but manipulating everything and everyone around me so I never have to face the truth. And if at any point I let myself believe my intentions are true and I listen to the side of me that doesn’t align with those thoughts, it feels like I would be loosening my control and enabling my deeper “evil” intentions, letting them slip.

Its like I have a phobia of my own intentions. I’ve been looking into it and everything is leading me to OCD related articles, its a disorder that was brought up to me when I was in therapy and also when I was seeing my psychiatrist but that never really got dug into because ultimately when they asked me a few questions about it I didn’t have clear “rituals” and struggled to keep track with everything in my life… I am putting this in the OCD tag to know if anybody else has had thoughts like these ? If any of what Im saying even makes sense… And if so Im curious if theres somewhere I can read about it ? I dont mean to intrude as I have not been diagnosed, but I feel like this is where I could find people who also struggle with intrusive thoughts as well as maybe something like this ?

There’s a part of me that knows. That recognizes the absurdity. That finds it almost laughable. But still beyond wanting to know wether it is true or not, I want to understand this belief better. Is it my inability to face my failures ? An irrational fear of doing harm ? Of becoming like those who hurt me ? They couldn’t face their abuse so how could I ? I have noticed most people who do harm aren’t aware of it, even the people who abused me through my life were pretty much oblivious. And if they were, what’s stopping me from being as oblivious as they are ? But could it be I’m just afraid I can’t trust myself ? What made me feel like I cant trust myself and when ? Because I almost always have… One thing I’d always been in tune with was my gut. I recognize now I haven’t been able to trust my own thoughts and memories since I was gaslit by my ex through last summer. Maybe there’s a correlation.

I really want to be careful, though, with the terms I am using. I am so sorry if what I have said seems offensive or hyperbolic, I tried not to write mindfully but I understand it could be beyond me and something only others will see. I am open to feedback and discussion and sincerely hope I didn’t trigger anyone with my words.

[keibea]

Get to Know Me - Sims Style

i was tagged by @amuhav because she loves me and knows i love doing these things

what's your favourite sims death?

ngl i dont actually have one, im terrified of any of my babies dying so they never do...but i guess old age maybe? because that means theyve lived a long life and ive played with them for a long time?

alpha cc or mm?

alpha HANDS DOWN...i dont hate mm by any means dont get me wrong, but ill always be an alpha girl at heart. its the alpha hairs, they always get me.

do you cheat your sims weight?

only if it fits their character i guess? not usually in gameplay.

do you move objects

i move objects every single day.

fave mod?

ooofff i mean out of necessity? nraas. but just the one i love? hands down pose player. mostly because i was so excited when i finally got it to work (i was like 13 or something and before then i could not figure out how to get mods to work) so a lot of happy memories from finally getting my sims to pose.

first expansion/game pack/stuff pack?

my first ever was sims 2 glamour life stuff pack when i was a kid. if we're talking sims 3, i believe the first pack i got was generations, which is still my favourite sims pack ever.

do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing?

i pronounce it LIVE, always have as far as i know.

who's your favourite sim that you've made?

well, its gotta be elodie honestly. she and eli are the longest sims i have ever had and i love them both dearly. in the sims 4, its gotta be my girl pippa. before tumblr? i had this family called the moretti's, i miss them and i think about them way too often. i loved them all.

have you made a simself?

oh yeah. loads of times. i think ive shared my sims 3 and sims 4 variations on tumblr (but they look really weird tbh). i love making myself, cause then i can wear all these clothes i cant afford in real life.

favourite ea hair

im with aimee on this one.

im mostly joking, but usually sims 3 hairs are a no go for me, except for some store ones and the hairs that are pulled back into buns always look really nice. for sims 4, only the newer ones. the older ones are not for me.

favourite life stage?

young adult. i feel like you can always do more with young adult sims and you have so much more time (except in sims 1 i believe?and sims 2 only if u went to uni?? idk). 90% of my sims are forever young adults because i love that life stage so much.

are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

mate ive been trying to build for donkeys years to no avail. so im almost always in it for the gameplay.

are you a cc creator?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BAHAHAHA HA once upon a time bro maybe. your girl tries to be, but uni is a pain in my bottom, and sims 3 loves making my life difficult.

do you have any simblr friends or a sim squad?

somehow i do?? more friends then irl anyway. the girl gang is @thesimperiuscurse , @lazysunjade & @amuhav these 3 have put up with me despite my crazy personality for an incredibly amount of time and i love them all dearly. but i have so many friends on here its crazy (more than 3 people its incredible!). obviously they havent seen my real personality yet. besties include: @catharsim , @plumbobem , @johziii , @rollo-rolls , @moonsonnet , oh gosh im forgetting people I AM SO SORRY I LOVE U ALL SO MUCH

do you have any sims merch?

bro i wish, but no money. spent it all on anno 1800. no regrets.

do you have a youtube for sims?

i believe formally i do, but i dont post anything. i do have some ideas if i ever wanted to, but my adhd brain couldnt cope being consistent so i probably never will.

how has your "sims style" changed throughout your years of playing?

as in sims or gameplay? idk ill talk about both. gameplay wise, not much, except im weirdly a lot more controlling then i was over my sims WHOOPS. but i still cant get passed gen 2 so that hasn't changed. but i still prefer family gameplay, probably always will. and challenges, always challenges. sims wise? a lot.

this is one of the earliest sims i have photo evidence of. this was in 2018 i believe?

whose your favourite cc creator?

the people that are the cause of most of my cc obsession are @kerriganhouse , @rollo-rolls , @johziii , @joojconverts & @martassimsbookcc and probably a few more but mind blank

how long have u had simblr?

since 2020. one of the longest things ive ever committed to.

how do you edit your pictures?

with my blood, sweat and tears. im not joking, a lot of sweat and tears goes on when im editing.

what expansion/gamepack is your faveourite?

of all time? generations, no doubt in my mind. i never had any sims 1 or sims 2 expansions, so i never got to experience those unfortunately. generations was perfection though. i mean, boarding school? lifesaver. also led to the best sims series of all time: lifesimmer's generations. for sims 4 though? probably get together, purely because of the world.

[school-life-club-rui-official]

CRACKS MY KNUCKLES

okay so. first and foremost hi hello its richie an-inspired-eternity about to make my brainrot everyone elses problem.

BASICALLY. this barbie rui has trauma from a zombie apocalypse! except the rpverse summoning tomfoolery has pulled him (and friends) into a world that. NOTABLY IS LACKING IN THAT. SO NOW HAS TO INTERACT WITH A WORLD WHERE THINGS ARE NORMAL AND PEOPLE ARE STILL ALIVE AND ITS 😰😰😰

this IS based on an existing media (that i AM writing a au fic for. eventually.) but im keeping it loose for the sake of rpverse stuff

masterlist:

pfp by @ asthaire on twitter

pre rpverse info under the read more

(last updated 01/06)

rui and the wxs were at kamiyama high (emu snuck in. as she does) when things went wrong, ultimately being the only ones who both survived and stayed at the school (as for vbs, they probably left before things got chaotic or they escaped during it)

tbh maybe vbs holed up in weekend garage with ken

ena mizuki and kanade (+ mafuyu if kanamafu already live together i dont have anything concrete outside of wxs)

as most zombie media goes, it was something deliberately created that then got out of control, but certain buildings (schools, in the case of a were designed with the resources to house people long term (but people didnt know that so with the panic it wasnt used as it could have been)

before internet was lost, characters probably called/message each other to confirm their whereabouts/safety

ANYWAY back to wxs so they holed up at kamiyama, and of course the trauma of being a teenager in a apocalypse starts taking its toll, so the school life club was created, as a sense of normalcy to cope with what they were going through (ie: they live at school because its one of the places that has the resources to sustain people living there- in the media this is based on one of these is a rooftop garden with fruits and vegetables)

however.. its only so easy to maintain your mental stability during a time like this, and emu kind of.. cracks under the pressure, after a bit. unsure of if her friends outside of wxs or worse her family were okay, the way her brain chooses to cope is she goes from pretending things are normal to fully believing it, talking to people who aren't there. and because she thinks she's really at school, sometimes it's people who go to miya and not kamiyama

the rest of wxs are. obviously extremely worried by this. but there isnt much they can actually do. because if they try to force her out of it it might make it worse

so instead they mostly focus on keeping on top of the survival stuff while letting emu do her thing atleast within a safe range of them

[oinkoink321]

Cuddles <3

Mitsuba x reader

Warnings: none, this is all fluff :). But this is my first one shot so it probably sucks, it also might js be cringy too 💀💀anyways enjoy guys :)

feel free to let me know if anything is wrong a

——————————————————————-

I yawned as I continued to work on my homework, forcing myself to stay awake. This project was due tomorrow at 10:00 am, I had to get this done. I heard my door open as a familiar, loud and cocky voice filled the room. “OHHH DUMMYYYY IM HOOOMMEEEE” Mitsuba yelled even though I was near him. I gave no response as I continued with my work. “Hey, idiot why aren’t you responding?” He came up to me next to the desk and looked down at my paper. “Wow, you’re so dumb that you’re STILL working on that?” He sighed. “Shut up I need to finish this alright? If you keep bothering me I’ll break your neck” I said annoyed. “Hey! I know I’m way to cute for you to actually hurt me and you love me way too much!” he said innocently. “*sigh* You’re right, pinky” I said as I ruffled his hair “Uh- H-hey! Pervert! Stop that!” He stammered, flustered. 

    “Need any help? Besides being cute I’m also pretty smart ya know?” He said with a smirk “Sure here’s the problem I’m stuck on” He looked at the problem as his face went from confident to confused. “What the heck does your teacher make you solve?!? This is so pointless when will you ever need this?!?” “I don’t know” I said.  “Idiot, just get some rest right now, we can solve it together in the morning” He said. “But this due tomorrow and-“. “So? You need your rest now, so take a break alright?” “Alright DARLING” I said exaggerating. His face immediately flushed red. “STUPID! DONT CALL ME THAT?!? HAVE YOU LOST BRAIN CELLS WHILE DOING THIS OR SOMETHING NO WONDER WHY YOU CANT DO THIS HOMEWORK PROPERLY!!!” He kept rambling on and on about how you were so dumb.

      ”Ugh come on let’s just get some rest right now..” I said, tired. “F-fine dummy, but don’t pull anything stupid alright?” “Alright Pinky” I said giggling “And don’t call me that!!!” I laughed at his embarrassment and laid down on the bed, patting the area next to me for him to lie down on. He reluctantly got on the bed and we just kinda stared at each other. I loved everything about him. His curious pink eyes filled with wonder and his soft, silky hair in a ponytail. His photography skills and how even though he pretends he doesn’t care or love me when we’re around people he gives me the biggest affection alone, and the way he insults people he cares about but in the end he truly loves them.

“H-hey..you have a staring problem or something dummy? I k-know I’m cute but you have to control yourself pervert!” He stuttered, embarrassed. I snapped out of my zoning out. “Sorry i just zoned out,pinky” “Ewwwww see? Your always stuck in that head of yours and i told you not to-“ “I love you Mitsuba” I whispered softy, but loud enough for him to hear. “E-eH?!! I-I…y-y-you pervert!!! You cant just say stuff like that out loud idiot!!!” He shrieked out of embarrassment and covered his face.

I smiled at him removed his hands from his face, kissed him on his cheek and hugged him with my head on his chest. He stood still shocked from what I had done he slowly began to relax and wrapped his arms around me, making me feel safe and secure. Then ever so slightly I felt a small kiss on the top of my head as Mitsuba whispers “I love you too, strawberry”, I could tell he meant it. I buried my head in his chest and listened to his slow but steady heartbeat,he smelled like sweet roses as my nose inhaled his comforting scent. I loved him there was no doubting that, he was the one person that I believed would be my forever partner, my one true love. I reached for the top of his head and started playing with his hair as we both slowly drifted to sleep. 

[firsttarotreader]

Hello! I have some questions for Tarot I dont know if you ever answer it.

1.What is his love language for female and male partners ?

2. When he is getting some from someone does he enjoy having sex with that person regularly and plenty ? (lol )

3. How do his exes react when they find out that he is sexually/romantically linked to someone ( Lena for instance )

Hello! So, question number 3 is not so doable because it depends on the ex, how they broke up, who broke up, who they are, it’s too open. If it’s just Lena, then it’s possible, but it can’t be something that’s valid for all of them. Number 2 I have already done something about it, it’s somewhere in the #s*x tag. 😄 In this one, I am answering question number 1. These love language ones are hard as fuck to get from the cards, because the readings are not always that specific, but I gave it a shot this time. Let’s start with the male partners. The first pull was the 7 of Swords reversed, Justice and 8 of Cups.

7 of Swords reversed can represent dishonesty, even if just for white lies, pretending to be something you’re not, faking it. Justice is about being fair, treating the partner fairly, and being tactful, expressing what you feel in a way that’s careful, mindful of the person’s feelings. 8 of Cups is walking away, leaving an unhappy relationship, letting go of something that isn’t working. This makes me think of words of affirmation a lot, but more than that, he might tend to not be truthful all the time in fear of hurting the guy’s feelings. He could even have a hard time walking away and leaving when he’s not interested anymore, but he eventually will because if he’s not happy and he’s pretending to be, he’s gonna start questioning everything, if that is what he wants to do, and he will leave. That is, the people pleaser might try his best, but he can’t keep it up, he could just get annoyed.

The second pull was the King of Wands reversed, The Fool and The Devil. The King of Wands when reversed becomes controlling and dominating. He tends to be bossy and to really believe he’s doing something for the person, helping them, but he’s actually just wanting to do things his way. The Fool is very spontaneous and full of energy, ready for new adventures, but it looks like he’s thinking of his own new adventures after all. The Devil is about obsession, entrapment, selfish pursuit of pleasure and even some toxicity. All of this could point to the physical touch or acts of service, but in this case, it looks like he might struggle to make it about the person and end up making it about himself and about what HE wants.

For the female partners, the first pull was the Queen of Wands, 2 of Coins and Knight of Swords. So, the Queen of Wands could mean he would see her as an independent and confident Queen, passionate about life, and full of fire energy, especially sexual, so the physical touch might be fire. 2 of Coins is about a juggling act, the need to balance two sides, that could be his own needs and desires and her needs and desires, doing what she needs while not forgetting what he needs, OR it could be about the Knight of Swords, who would basically want to be her Knight, do whatever was necessary for her, stand up for her, conquer every challenge and be determined to. This makes me think about the acts of service.

The second pull was the 4 of Coins, 8 of Wands reversed and The Emperor. 4 of Coins means he might get insecure and afraid of losing the partner. He could become a bit clingier and somewhat jealous, and that would lead to the 8 of Wands reversed and him being sloppier and making decisions without thinking much. Those could go right or wrong. In the end, he may find the common ground with The Emperor, which is quite interesting. Yes, he rules his Kingdom, but he knows to reign is also to serve, and he has a tendency to do what he believes is right for the Kingdom and he will use his knowledge and principles to do it. So, once again, more acts of service.

I would guess from these cards it should be words of affirmation and physical touch or acts of service for men and physical touch and acts of service for women, with the men having a more competitive and domineering energy, the usual ego contest.

[limpfisted]

WYLL’S FLAWED PERSPECTIVE. or, how to “read” my replies!

i personally believe wyll is a flawed character and its important to give him the full spectrum of emotions beyond “good” “kind” or “bad” “evil.”

i am personally working on trying to stay “ic” and true to my characters, without pushing the character into saying something that will like, be good for a ship, or like, be an “rp people pleaser” if that makes senses!

i don’t JUST want to have interactions where wyll is perfect. to me, wyll has flaws in the way he communicates and sees the world. this does not mean he is not heroic, or a kind, decent man—it just means i love him as a character for his layers. these things make him more REAL and complex than i think wyll as a PERSON wants to be, in a kind of “hide my truth, hide my feelings, elsa frozen kinnie” way

so without further ado, here are some things wyll might do or want to do or say incorrectly or percieve your character in the wrong way even tho i personally would not behave in the same ways irl On Purpose For Some Of These Things

CONDESCENDING. wyll believes he knows best. wyll believes he can say all the right words and “fix things.” he can make EVERYTHING better. he has a SAVIOR COMPLEX. while never being a perfect martyr, he really does think he can “ahaaha dont have depression ur so sexy” ur ass by being gentle and kind and roleplaying a fairy tale with you. additionally, if you seem “soft” in some way, or “meek” in some way, wyll want to “help you” more.

AVOIDANT. wyll does not want to talk about what he wants, what he notices, what he feels, except in poetryor tall tales or threats of violence. his pretty words sometimes hide an emptiness, a dreaminess. he speaks of things he cannot have and will not ask for. he is embarrassed to want, embarrassed to need, attention, desire, anything but charm and protecting the innocent and meek.

OVERLY ROMANTIC. this ties in with above. he idealizes people, he puts them on pedestals, he treats them like they are made of glass. he does not humanize others or himself enough, and prefers to live in a world of fantasies and pretend.

BOASTFUL. wyll tries to be humble—but this is to match a persona. if you dive even slightly deeper into things, he’s all too happy to tell you how strong and heroic he is, to the point of condescion and vanity. on the other hand, he will not take you seriously if you threaten him! he’ll threaten you back! he doesnt give a single fuck!

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING AND SNAP JUDGEMENTS. to wyll, you are either “hunter” “prey” “hero/villain” the person he needs to protect people from. he will bide his time—but it is difficult for him to trear villains kindly, and he will NEVER truly respect them as people, unless they prove they have changed or are not trying to hurt anyone currently.

WILL WORK WITH VILLAINS. WILL MAKE DEALS WITH DEVILS. WILL ALSO HUNT THEM FOR SPORT. easy to understand, wyll believes he can “control” devils, if they are useful to him. wyll can ally with evil—even if he is just biding his time to kill them later.

VIOLENT. ROLEPLAYER. if you are evil, he will just want to kill you and that’s that! he wanted to kill every goblin at that camp! he relishes in violence as long as it’s for justice. he gets off on the power and pomp of it n his heroism—even when its not actually heroic

WORDS GET AWAY FROM HIM. he will speak with intention, but has a tendency to ramble poetically. when angry, and threatening someone, sometimes he makes no sense at all bc he just wants murder myrder death death justice

A SILLY BILLY!! he can take himself very seriously, but also he is brainweird and skin hungry n loves to touch n be weird and wrestle n write funny poems and get drunk n dance under the stars. he’s a silly ex-(would have been a theatre kid but his dad wanted him to join jrotc instead) kid! he likes big bold gestures. he is EXTREMELY REPRESSED, but the closer he gets to u, the more ull see his joy n not just his “good hero”

DEEPLY LONELY AND APPROVAL SEEKING. wyll really likes it when people pay attention to him. nore than he likes actually doing good things, sometimes. note: there is nothing wrong with doing good things for recognition, everyone deserves recognition of hard work n pain. but it still makes him more interesting to me than generic hero!:

EASILY CORRUPTABLE / MOLDABLE / MANIPULATED. he approves of killing for auntie ethel n them immediatley goes. oh. fuck. oh no…. i fucked up. im trash…. he got i. cahoots with mizora and thinks he CHOSE that bc hes so so good!

NOT IN TOUCH WITH HIS FEELINGS. wyll doesn’t always know wgat’s going on his beain/heart, n honestly he doesn’t want to think abt it too hard! but i will! i always will, wyll.

SMART, BUT DOESN’T CARE ENOUGH TO QUESTION. i dont feel like writing anymore god free me. free me from the sin of my hubris. free me. no more writing

THERE ARE MORE THINGS PROBABLY BUT I DONT FERL LIKE WRITING THEM. LOOK AT MY PRETTY HC BANNER ITS SO PRETTY. GOODBYE FOREVER

something so,ething hes traumatized and pushes people away n puts them on a pedestal so they can never know how scarred and scared and unworthy he feels bc of the deep loneliness inside him from his family’s emotional instability coupled with being homeless as a teenager with only an abuser to guide him thru his late teens, etc

[straydogkins]

hey, i was just wondering what do you think is wrong with IRLs? I thought that they couldnt control their beliefs. I dont want to start an argument or anything ive just never heard of that being bad before

Hi anon, I will answer this to the best of my ability just know that it's early morning and I am somewhat upset about an unrelated event so I may not be entirely coherent.

To start with I want to make something very clear: We have PNOS, it's been diagnosed. We've had delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, impared speech abilities, brain fog, ect. for 6 years (probably longer before it was picked up on and treated) alongside this and we're on antipsychotics. So I will be talking from the point of view of someone who has a psychotic disorder and knows what they're talking about in regards to psychotic disorders from lived experience.

-

Now for the main issues of this ask: It's not the delusions we have issues with. You can't control your delusions. I know this, in the past we've had 'delusional attachments' (medically they are classed as a form of delusion of grandeur, so that's what we will probably call them through out this post) that we're either a fictional characters and religious figures. It's just a thing that can happen when you're psychotic.

-

However, the issues we do have with these people are with the community, the language used in said community, and the attitudes that are common in there.

Let's start with the 'less important' medical stuff: 'Delusional attachments' and 'IRL' are terms made up by the community. This is not an inherently bad thing, for example in the DID community we have several terms (ie EC-DID) that aren't medical that people use for clarification and there's no inherent issue with this. However, my issues with the medical side is when people act like it is an official diagnostic term/thing for psychotic disorders because it isn't and never has been.

Now the real issues deep rooted in the community (and my main issue): The Encouragement of delusions and attitudes towards psychotic and schizo-spec individuals.

If someone is having a delusion (regardless of if it's harmful or not) You shouldn't encourage it (it will push the person further into the delusion) or reality check them (will cement the belief instead of discouraging it a lot of the time). Although complicated, it's important to walk the line between the two and not encourage the delusions or make the person feel like they aren't being listened to or mocked. The community is... Not like this at all.

Say I believed I was Hastune Miku and in that community, it would be Very common and encouraged to call me Miku and act as if I'm Hatsune Miku irl. This will encourage the delusion that I am Miku and send us deeper into a psychotic episode.

Another thing from our experience actually being in the community, 'DA's' are treated as the Only Psychotic Symptom people experience.

For example, we have seen people claiming to be psychotic and they Only have the firm belief they are [character], this is a major issue for us because psychotic disorders (even on a base level) always have comorbid symptoms (disorganized speech, hallucinations, ect) which is an issue for a community that claims to only be for people with psychotic disorders.

Which leads to people actively trying to give themselves psychotic symptoms, being pressured into saying they have symptoms inorder to belong, or just flat out lying about being psychotic.

This can then also lead to some really wild hostility towards people whose delusions are 'undesirable' (ie believing that you're dead, that everyone around you have been replaced, ect ect) I've seen people with delusional attachments harass and trigger people with psychotic disorders- Even in the community I've seen people who are doubles interacting with other doubles with the sole reason of wanting them to spiral for being a double.

-

Long post short: We have no issues with the delusion of being [character], it's the community at large we have issues with.

-

Alternative readings

An essay written about the term Delusional attachment (with medical sources)

Tumblr user strawberrybabydog has a really good tag talking about the issues with the term, the community, all of it

There's a few cards out there but I don't link linking them because I don't know who wrote them and some of them are lacking in info imo.

[urcharactersclasspect]

i am a prince of time and uhh give me your best explanation of the classpect

lesssgo this is been in the works for forever

Princes, no matter what the aspect, are highly intense individuals. Usually I dont go over exacts on personalities alone but Princes have a distinct way and manner to them. They are intimidating to others, often temperamental characters and go to extremes when spited or when they genuinely believe their way to be the only right way, much like Witches often do they are destructive in whichever way that is that they have set up for themselves, just far easier and they dont need the arc of going through something particularly harmful to get to the point of lashing out or being that way like a Witch. They go straight towards the socially or physically destructive option without too much hesitation, often times on purpose to get the most results possible, and even when destruction in their wake wasn't on purpose or what they meant to do originally, its going to happen anyway; as unlike a Witch even an attempt to hold back the reigns can be detrimental. Prince is above all else an extremely active destruction class, whether they personally like it or not but they are not a passive person by any means nor any contexts, They are not Bards and dont just "let things happen" they are the ones actively going out of their way to make things happen. Most princes though accept it as it is and can understand this about themselves more than anyone in the room with them. Including if it means they can become more aware than anyone else that as a result of this, they might need to be self aware enough to not take the charge that they want.

The thing about Princes however, is that they don’t naturally Invert over time; They are stuck inverting on whatever aspect they are. If pushed with a set of beliefs they can be a nightmare, or given the right support, can destroy and be self aware enough to allow others to build from what theyve done.

Eridan was inverting into Rage big time. He lost every quadrant, his friends were beginning to be less sympathetic to him and he was progressively becoming more unstable as a result, not only was he losing Hope, he was letting his Rage and Fears and biases control him which lead to the destruction of his session- Him to kill Feferi, Kanaya, to want to join Jack as the only option. He was a history buff on conquerors and people in history who devastated others for their beliefs (His handle word of Caligula, comes to mind) , he liked weapons of mass destruction and even commissioned bombs and dooms day devices for anti-land dwelling purposes, as he fully believed in Seadweller superiority. And when push came to shove and he felt all hope was lost his first instinct was to not consider other options at all, not sit and think, but to immediately go for just joining the enemy. When disagreements occurred; he killed Feferi and Kanaya. This can be partially explained by him being a Violet blood, we know canonically the higher on the hemospectrum you are, the more prone to aggression and violence and even recklessness you are, however - this combined with the inherent nature of an untethered Prince caused some seriously obviously big problems. The fact hes a troll, just made traits of a general Prince millions times worse, as morality is different for trolls and he lost all his emotional anchors to pacify him, no moirail, no red mate and no kismesis either. Eridan, In the story, is very much a destructive prince as things progress; much like a monarch losing trust in all his subjects and slowly going crazy and becoming a tyrant, Eridan fits this structure perfectly for an unstable prince.

Dirk is our other main prince example.

Dirk is, actually not nearly as Chill as facade presents himself as. Which is something I feel some people get wrong about his character. Dirk is a VERY INTENSE PERSON, this is shown both in both versions of him as Bro and the Alpha Dirk. He mirrors Mind, someone calm, comes across as calculated, having all the answers and trying to make the best choices for the best results centered around actions and routes something could’ve logically taken; almost robotic. But in reality, his methods are very extreme - they aren’t always the best option for himself and others, they are self destructive in some ways, as his aspect is that of The self, the Heart. He can only really read his own mind and heart, not others, and it makes him skip steps to things and the solutions he needs for other peoples problems or what could help another person out. He tends to go too far.  He can be very impulsive and as we can sort of gather based on his relationship with Jake, he can be VERY passionate, emotional and was even called smothering if memory serves me right. This is because these sorts of things are all his true aspects traits put under what can be seen through destructive lenses. Dirk creates a Robot that looks like him in order to prepare Jake for monsters and other such fighting; This is not too dissimiliar to how Bro would fight Dave in order to prepare him for Earths Apoclopse he knew would happen due to his connection to a corrupted Lil Cal. Which yes Im aware people dont like to mention this part of things- Bro is definitely abusive, and due to the brainwashing from Cal, Im inclined to think it wasnt quite for the right reasons either. but Bro probably DID see it as the “right thing” to do. But like with everything else to do with Dirk, It was done in the most extreme of ways, and something not often discussed is how Dave’s own sense of “self” was almost destroyed by Bro, the aspect of Heart overshadowed Dave; Dave mimicked Bro, spoke “chill” like bro, fought like Bro, He wore glasses like Bro for the longest time; These are all signs of a Prince of Heart destroying another persons sense of Self or “Heart” actively. Turning things into themselves like a puppet cosplaying as Bro. Dirk was self aware he could be become like Bro if he didnt have his friends or people to really care about in his life to hit him with “whoa hey, thats a bit much dont you think?” from time to time. This because only Dirk knows who he really is. His truest inner self. Even if its knowing he can be toxic and controlling and way too impulsive or quick to jump the gun. Dirk knew he was capable of this. He knew his self obsession could become too much. Its why he masked it with a Mask of Mind. A cool guy facade. its why he held back his destructiveness.

The Aspect of Time, as stated by Hussie himself

Those bound to the aspect of Time are fighters, full stop. Their lives are often marked by struggle, not so much because fate has it in for them, but because they are fundamentally incapable of just accepting things as they come. They value action over passive acceptance, even if that may not be the wisest or safest choice. Don't try to tell a Time-bound to sit still and look pretty. They are very goal-focused, and tend to value the destination over the journey, and you won't find them making that journey in any traditional sort of way. To quote cheesy posters found on many a guidance counselor's wall-"impossible is just a word". If you need a miracle, they are who you call. At their best, the Time-bound are empathetic and relentless problem-solvers. At their worst they are ruthless, defensive, and impulsive.  

Time is all about literal Time, Timelines, The Past, The Present, The Future; but never specifically the events inside them, simply the concept of them and destination youve reached as a result of All of them combined. Its probably one of the trickiest to read as full classpects, as outside some key components of the characters and people tied to the Aspect, its actually very hard to decide what placements of traits or themes they have. Things I do know are: Time players enjoy a morbid fascination with the passage of time and how it effects things, animals and people and desire to keep things linear but rarely can on their own or the way they want, as keeping Time controlled is like trying to hold water in your hands while actively being inside the ocean. Aradia had archeology, Dave did taxidermy to dead crows and had an interest in Jarred dead animals and they both seemed deadset on preserving parts of time itself. We don’t know about Damara, but we know The Handmaid wanted to die due to her servitude to Lord English, but was never allowed to. She was given immortality and she herself was “preserved” for a purpose all throughout varying Timelines on repeat unti; her work was finished only for her life to start over and over again. This happens to Dave too; Repeated dying, crisises, etc until he got what he needed that being to protect time for his teammates to get out. Aradia also died on repeat and stayed dead in the past in her mind as a ghost. When revived shed embraced the unpredictability of living held as a result of time carrying on, She wanted to see how Caliborn would fuck everything up. "I mostly just want to see what happens when this place blows up". Preserving her memories of when she died till she could beat the shit out of Vriska out of revenge. Therefore I will say, a key theme of Time Players is the preserving of a point of Time and person who cannot let it go or refuses to. Caliborn is kind of the worst but he IS the Lord of it. Caliborn believes in machomen type stuff and aggressively bashing the clock because you want something in the future and absolutely destroying everything around it too to get it. Caliborns logic is "to hell with it! I'll get it just because i want it!"

If Space is the aspect of feminine energy and "motherly" or parental instincts of nurturing and protection and the things Calliope believed in and enjoyed such as Art and Creation - Space is stagnation, then Time is that of Masculine energy and being a brutal force of aggression to show you care without the affectionate types of care. Its keeping things in jars instead of keeping them in a cage to care for them. Time is absolute Chaos, but with no absolutes at all; there'd be far too many variables to account for to think you could really predict only 1 future. Unlike the Aspect of Light, which is linear and about only one type of future, Time is all of them; the good, the bad, the horrific and most dark and the absolute bests too.

Someone who destroys Time in others, who breaks timelines if set off on the wrong path and someone who acts the opposite of a masculine aggressive force of unpredictable chaos. All while acting on the surface like that of Space player; Cool, collected, parental, caring, nurturing. but whenever they do this, they are destroying the chaotic notions of time itself. A prince of Time is 100% a procrastinator, someone who thinks they have a bunch of time, but then gets distracted by sewing or a new art project and twio hours are wasted or, if put into a story context, they could intentionally divert time away from others and break timelines.

Theres actually way too much I could say on this. And I also cant think of many good examples of one either. But Princes of Time are hard to spot, its difficult to decipher if the chaos energy they have is gonna come from them poorly hiding their real natures due to their own suppression via acting more like a space player, or of maybe they are just a space player pushed to the wrong end of the cliff (space players can have no chill)

[caffeinatedopossum]

I need your theories… do you think the way people think affects how therapy would work/how they would express things/express it in a manner that is recognizable? I know some people think with words as a narrator and some dont, and Im sure theres even more ways, so how would that impact the way you communicate especially in situations that rely on things that arent literal?

Just curious because I was trying to think about how I go through a phase of strongly disliking something when it comes in my life at like month 3 until honestly up to a year, and Id express that as actually believing them to be an imposter or dangerous or something and this is an issue Ive had for a long time but I have never put it in so many words, instead of just an emotional sense when Im confronted with it. But I realize that is how it is for most things and Im never experiencing in words except when I am enacting a conversation I want to have. Hmm. Confuddles me.

Absolutely, it does effect it. There's an obvious advantage to people who think primarily in words and have the ability to visualize.

I personally think almost exclusively in words but perhaps in a way that isn't the most usual. For me it's almost like having a constant conversation (or even multiple conversations) with myself.

It can be really frustrating when therapies like cbt focus on changing thoughts to change feelings though since my thoughts seem to not effect my feelings as much as the other way around- like changing my feelings 100% impacts my thoughts but changing my thoughts does not change my feelings. Which is unfortunate since I only have control over one of those lol

I've heard of therapists using primarily visualization for people without internal monolouges- like saying to imagine their feeling as a red hot metal ball and then imagine it slowly cooling and going back to a cooler color- but it sounds like such a foreign concept to me that I can't imagine it being super effective. Really hope I'm wrong though!

[rianafying]

i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.

[toothlespoggers]

”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.

WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO

“hey man, you ight?”

“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE

“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”

LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:

“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.

I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.

WE ALL DO.

BUT LOOK AROUND.

IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.

BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”

like. SERIOUSLY.

so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.

you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.

And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.

I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.

but I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.

because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.

Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.

FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.

(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)