#Damn I have so many I can’t pick a hobby to pursue

[rowanhoney]

hello my dears I am so so so so so in love with life

[crookswithbooks]

Unwanted Company

Day Six - Blitzo is lonely and Stolas is horny. Together, they make a wonderful pair.               

Christmas in Hell was an interesting affair.

Being a commemoration of the birth of their tormenter, most demons chose to celebrate the holidays by burning Christ memorabilia or getting drunk and cursing his names in the streets. Sometimes both. Others merely ignored the holiday, seeing it as just another winter day, or in other words just another day as winter in Hell was essentially the same as every other season in Hell, i.e. terrible and on fire.

Stolas was an exception to this rule. As a mortal he had loved the holidays, and that love had transferred over into the afterlife. He liked to see it as less of a celebration of Jesus and more a celebration of capitalism and beautiful aesthetics. That was more his style. Unfortunately, the rest of his family did not share his love for the season. He was subjected to another series of lectures by Estelle when she discovered wreaths hung about the house, lectures that involved the catapulting of many an object towards his face, and Octavia merely groaned and left the room whenever he tried to coerce her into a Christmas carol.

Thus Stolas was forced to turn to his one source of comfort when his family decided that even they were fed up with his shenanigans. He twirled the phone wire around his fingertip as he waited for the call to pick up.

“Oh Blitzy~!”

On the other end of the line, Blitzo felt one of his eyes twitch. He was already in a terrible mood and this phone call was the cherry on top of the shit sandwich. As it happened, Blitzo was not a Christmas person. He was happy to take advantage of the season’s marketability for his business, but even that only served to sink his spirits more than they already were. It was depressing to watch the atrocious acts that greed prompted humans to commit.

Now he found himself curled up in his office chair, all alone with not even Moxxie or Millie to keep him company; both of them had taken a day off for the holidays even though Blitzo knew for a fact that neither of them bought into the Christmas spirit either. He had invited Loona to join him but the conversation had lasted for about two seconds before she flipped him off and went to go burn down a building with her friends for anarchical reasons.

He was lonely. He hadn’t wanted to admit it, but it was true. So it was just his luck that he was to receive a phone call from the one person he would never choose to spend the holidays with.

“What do you want you piece of shit dicklord?” Blitzo grumbled, slumping down on his desk so that his chin rested in his arms. He was too tired to be genuinely angry at him and so his words were devoid of their usual ferocity.

“You flatter me. I was wondering if you wanted to join me for the evening? I was thinking we could…” Stolas smiled as images flashed through his mind. “Entertain each other?”

Blitzo opened his mouth to tell him to fuck off but found himself pausing. He had caught a glance of the picture hanging over his desk, one of him and the rest of I.M.P smiling after a successful kill. Blitzo had his arms clutched around them and the others smiled up at him, admit a bit reluctantly. He stared around again at his empty office and before he knew what he was doing, he said, “Okay.”

“…Okay?” Stolas, who moments before had been lounging casually upon his bed, now sat up, a hint of hope and confusion coloring his tone. “Okay, you want to join me for Christmas?”

“Yes?” Blitzo cringed further into the safety of his arms. What the hell was he doing? Surely he couldn’t be considering spending any amount of time with the horniest owl lord in hell, and yet… It was too late to take back his words so he pushed forward, hoping not to regret them further. “We’re not doing anything, just to be clear. However, I don’t… entirely hate the concept of your presence right now. So… what do you say?”

Stolas had no idea what had prompted the change of heart, but he wasn’t about to turn down an offer like that. “I would love that. And you’re sure this is what you want?”

Weirdly, Blitzo was.

 When he arrived he was greeted with a text that merely read Meet me on the balcony ;), thus implying that the use of a front door was one they would be forgoing that night. Blitzo sighed and prepared for the painful climb up the tangled tresses and onto the sculpted balcony. He pulled himself over the last rung with a pained grunt, using the length of his tail to secure him the rest of the way over. At first he didn’t see anyone and he was almost worried he had fallen for one of Stolas’ tricks despite himself. That was when he noticed the owl demon skulking in the shadows of the doorway, the light from the moon casting specters on his looming form.

“Hello Blitzy,” he greeted softly, his head tilted incredulously to one side. “I didn’t think you’d really come.”

“Yeah, well, I almost didn’t,” Blitzo confessed bitterly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Truthfully speaking, I have no idea why I’m here. I hate a lot of people, and I mean a lot of people, but you take the cake for the filthiest scum of the earth I’ve ever encountered.”

“The night’s still early for talk like that.” Stolas waltzed forward, his steps a lilting, sensuous thing. Blitzo found himself staring, hating himself for doing so. As much as he insisted it was purely business to friends and co-workers, Blitzo couldn’t deny that he didn’t entirely hate their nights together. It certainly beat whatever plans he would have had for the evenings. Stolas leaned on the railing besides him, his gaze piercing as he stared down at Blitzo. Later the imp would deny the blush that crawled unwanted up his neck.

“I’m fairly certain I said nothing was happening tonight,” Blitzo reminded him, brushing off his pants. “I just wanted some company and you happened to be the easiest solution.”

“Of course,” Stolas agreed, nodding enthusiastically. “I would never think of doing anything untoward to you. I know our past has been mostly, or rather completely, sexual in nature, but I do have interests outside of intercourse you know.”

Blitzo scoffed. “Oh, like what? And please never say intercourse like that again. I feel like I need to take a shower.”

Stolas traced a fingernail across the railing, a slow, lazy path. Blitzo’s throat went dry and he reminded himself again that nothing was happening that night. His body, however, did not seem to get the memo. “I am a fan of stargazing myself and I’m actually quite a good herbalist. I’ve also been known to enjoy conversation from time to time. What about you? Any interests outside of your own personal pleasure?”

“Every interest is to serve my personal pleasure,” Blitzo said smugly, his tail coiling tauntingly behind him. “It’s the only real thing worth pursuing in this dump of a hellhole we’re all living in. I don’t have time or use for hobbies.”

“Is that why you’re so interested in killing?” Stolas prompted. “It provides you pleasure to watch others fail and die?” There was no malice or judgement in his voice, just plain curiosity. Blitzo hesitated a moment before answering.

“It pays the bills,” he said at last, the current line of questioning making him strangely uncomfortable. “I don’t really like it so much as it’s convenient. Not to mention those assholes deserved it. Not a single human gets by without doing something disgustingly rotten to someone else and damning themselves for all eternity. Why do you think we have such an overpopulation issue?”

“But you can’t really believe that, can you?” Stolas insisted, drawing closer to the imp. Blitzo’s skin prickled with goosebumps and he took an instinctual step back. “Surely there’s some good in people. At least one of them?”

“There isn’t,” Blitzo snarled, anger fueling into his voice to make up for his discomfort. “And I know for a fact you don’t believe so either.”

“Ah, you caught me,” Stolas admitted, but instead of moving back in defeat he only drew in closer. This time Blitzo found himself unable to move, his feet seemingly stuck to the floor. “I find humanity to be quite undeserving of any kind of mercy. But I know you don’t.”

“You don’t know anything about me.”

“Oh but I do.” Stolas met his gaze, but something had softened in his eyes and it was no longer the predatory look from before. “I don’t just want you for your body, you know. I’ve watched you with your supposed ‘co-workers’—I’ve seen the way you look at them. You care for them. That’s why you’re here with me tonight. I’m a replacement for them, aren’t I?”

Angry heat flashed through Blitzo and he moved to step away but Stolas caught his wrist in one hand. His grip was surprisingly strong, a fact that did many things to the imp. “Don’t lie to me. Not on Christmas.”

“Oh please,” Blitzo snorted, rolling his eyes and ignoring the pounding of his heart. “You don’t really buy into all that cheap Christ stuff, do you? It’s just a scam to sell candy and toys to desperate parents. Christmas spirit is just a lie we tell ourselves to sleep better at night.”

“Maybe I don’t believe all of it,” Stolas admitted, his other hand sliding down Blitzo’s throat and curling around the base of his neck. Blitzo felt a shudder work its way down his body and he cursed the fact that this always happened whenever he got around the other demon. “But is it so wrong to want to celebrate, to spend time with the people you love?”

“What about your own family, huh?” Blitzo shot back, the words his only defense mechanism as Stolas slowly unraveled him. “You have a real one so why don’t you spend this stupid holiday with them?”

For a moment the seductive façade faded and it was just Stolas, eyes widened and beak tightened into a frown. “They’re busy,” he snapped quickly, and the look was gone before Blitzo could evaluate it too heavily. “Besides, I’m spending it with you. Per your agreement, if you remember.”

He took another step forward so that their two bodies were pressed flush up against the railing. Blitzo’s hands tightened on the cold metal and he averted his eyes. “I didn’t agree to this.”

“Then stop me,” Stolas said in reply, knowing for a fact that the imp wouldn’t. As he leaned down, the heat of their bodies mingling, Blitzo considered breaking the moment, pursuing the look on Stolas face from earlier. In the end though, he decided they would have enough time to discuss it later that next morning, after the events of the night had faded into a distant dream.

Right then, though, Blitzo had a horny demon owl to attend to.

[heyheydidjaknow]

What is this witchcraft? Me? Not posting after midnight? I’m shocked to my very core. Anyways, this is one of my longer chapters. If you have any feedback, do not hesitate. As always, previous chapter (and next when applicable) is at the bottom.

Chapter 5

“Dude, hear me out here.” You are vibrating like a kid on pixie sticks. You slide your hands apart as if to display written words. “Lightsaber.”

“What’s a—”

“Donnie.” You put your hand up before he can continue. “Imma stop you right there. I am going to take your hand and kindly ask you to tell me that you know of, or at least have heard of, Star Wars.”

“I do not.”

“That is a fucking crime.”

You have been sitting with him for approximately an hour, watching him dismantle a “Kraang bot” as you register for school and start ordering supplies. You are quickly starting to realize his knowledge of anything outside the bounds of science is limited to whatever he read by virtue of his father, which consisted of one book on Greek mythology, one on the Italian renaissance, one on ancient Japanese history, and one on Japanese folklore, or anything he learned via the interests of his brothers. Because of this, he seems to know exactly jack-shit about things you consider common knowledge, such as the concept of foreshadowing or Poptarts or Hitler outside of a general association with the name and emotion of some sort, leading to interactions like the one you’re having right now.

“It’s not a crime,” he defended. “It's just I was never really interested in that kinda stuff.”

“But it’s Star Wars!” You throw your hands up. “How do you not know of Star Wars, at least?”

“Look, you’re saying it’s really good, right?”

“Well, yeah.” Your voice lowered.

“Why would somebody throw out a good movie?”

You sigh. “Yeah, that’s fair. But!” You point at him. “But I need to watch it with you, if only out of principle. Besides,” you settle down, “it’s a very… traditionally plotted story. I still have to give you that lesson.”

“Yeah, but after I finish this.” He pushes his laptop to the side, picking up the soldering iron and moving back over to the pile of metal you know will become Metalhead.

You nod in agreement, leaning forward in your chair to watch him fuse wires. “You know what?” You smile. “I may give you shit, but it is really cool watching your whole process.”

“Hm?” He looks up at you from his lean forward.

“Well,” you shrug, folding your legs on the chair, “I just mean that it’s cool seeing how you go about building all this junk that is just… what’s the word?”

“Untraditional?”

“Revolutionary.”

He has a funny look on his face. “You think so?”

“Oh, totally.” You nod eagerly. “I told you that I thought you were one of fiction’s greatest minds, didn’t I?”

“No, you didn’t.” His face is turning red.

“Really? I swear I did the day I met you…” Your eyebrows furrow as you try to remember.

“You said something about inspiration.” He smiled softly, voice airy.

“Oh, then I—well, it kinda is the same thing.” You rub the back of your neck, feeling your own face heat up. “Must’ve—uh—misspoke. I do that,” you trail off, “kinda a lot.”

“I think it’s cute.”

You feel your heart skip a beat. ‘Oh come the fuck on. Really?’ “See,” you hear your voice rise a register, “that is so not fair.”

“Huh?” The color drains from his face as he tries to remember what sounds just came out of his mouth. “What did I say?”

“You’re not allowed to just say shit like that.” You cover your face with your hands, feeling your heart swell. “You’re not my boyfriend or anything.”

“Wait, what did I say?”

“Nope. Shut up.” You try to calm yourself down. “You didn’t mean it, whatever it was. It’s fine.”

He blinks, very confused. “You sure?”

“Totally.” Your voice is tight. “One hundred and ten percent sure.”

“You can’t be one hundred ten percent sure.” He looks back down at his project, writing your behavior off. “It’s mathematically impossible

“You wanna bet?” You start looking around the room, prior embarrassment now replaced with a desire to win this artificial conflict. “Got graph paper?”

He scoffs. “You can’t be serious.”

“Do I look like I’m kidding right now?” You lean across the table, tilting his head up to face you properly, determination burning in your eyes. Your voice lowers. “I am going to show you one hundred and ten present sure right here and now as a matter of principle.”

He swallowed, face going red again. “One moment, please.” He fumbles around for a piece of paper and hands it to you, along with a marker.

“Thank you.” You smile sweetly, acting as if nothing happened as you start to sketch. “Give me a bit of time and I will show you one hundred and ten percent sure.”

He rolls his eyes, a smile coming back to his face as he calms down. “Sure you will.”

You stick your tongue out at him. “Go back to your transformer while I blow your freakin mind, kay?”

“What’s—”

“Don’t even.”

“Gotcha.”

You chew on your tongue absentmindedly, remembering how much you love spacing out pixels when you hear a notification on your phone. You pull it out, read it, sigh, slide out of your chair. “I’ll be right back,” you promise, heading for the door. “I gotta make sure plot shit happens.”

“You know where to find me.”

“Always do.” You shoot him finger guns as you drag the door closed. You walk over to the brothers, currently engaged in their digital hockey match. You watch, waiting for Raphael’s inevitable victory— ‘Wow, my life is getting pretty damn predictable.’—before clearing your throat to catch their attention.

“So,” you smile, “what’s the game plan for tonight?”

They seem to not understand the question. “Yeah, Leo,” Raphael prompts, shooting a look at him, “what’s the game plan for tonight?”

He paused. “Is there some sort of sport thing happening?”

Your heart drops. “Leonardo,” you ask again, voice lowering, “you have a plan for the thing happening tonight, right?”

“What thing?”

You grab his shoulders. “The spill,” you clarify, voice quiet and sharp. “The mutagen spill. The spill I told you about three days ago?”

His eyes widen. “You said that was happening Friday!”

“Today is Friday!” You let go, throwing your hands in the air out of pure frustration. “That’s why I told you today is Friday! What, did you think I just liked talking about days of the week? That it’s my hobby to keep track of how many days I haven’t died?” ‘I mean, it is, but that’s not the point.’

“Well, it can’t be that important if you forgot about it.” Raphael leaned against the machine. “We’ll just go in and bust some heads. No problem.”

You groan. “Do you guys just have something against planning? I swear everything with you guys has to happen at the very last minute.”

“We don’t need the time to plan. I dunno if you noticed, Y/N, but our ‘plans’ aren’t exactly plan worthy.” He shrugged. “You just have to beat the Kraang out of them and that’s the end of it. It’d be like planning to raid a trailer home.”

You sigh. ‘They’re teenage boys. This is only episode six. Deep breaths.’ “Just… please try to heed my warnings in the future, alright? The last thing we need is for something to sneak up on us.”

“Alright, alright.” Leo focuses his eyes on you. “When is the mutagen getting spilled?”

“Tomorrow. The show wasn’t very specific on times, but some time tomorrow.”

“Then let’s air on the side of caution and assume they mean midnight. What’s the time?”

You pull out your phone. “Seven forty-five.”

“That should be enough time to get there, scope out the place, and be home before dinner.”

You feel the ground shake under you as a metallic clang pierces the air.

That is your cue to leave for fear of getting hit with a laser. “You can’t beat Metalhead. Also, Mikey calls him Metalhead.” You start heading out. “I’d stay and watch you guys waste time trying, but I haven’t eaten today, so I’m gonna grab food and meet you there.” You run out before they can ask any more questions.

If nothing else, all the running has been helping you get in shape. You are not typically the type to take runs, but you also are not typically the type to be pressed to see people. Loneliness is one hell of a motivator, as it turns out, and you were starving in more ways than one. You stop by the first place you see, grabbing some food item with a name you already forget—some sort of burrito, you think—and climb a fire escape belonging to a building overlooking the warehouse in question. You sit on the edge of the building, dangling your legs over the side as you wait for them to get here.

‘Do I like him?’ You pause at your question, mid-bite. ‘I mean, I had a crush on him when I watched the show, but this attachment isn’t romantic affection, is it? I’ve had crushes before, and I’m acting too suave for this to be that.’ You swallow, taking a drink out from your nameless cup. ‘Considering my emotional state? It’s highly likely I’m just latching onto him for lack of anyone or anything truly familiar in my life right now.’ You sigh. ‘But, then again, if that were the case, this feeling what be more familial, wouldn’t it?’ You conclude, whether you are attracted to him romantically or not, it is entirely unfair to both of you to pursue a romantic relationship with him unless he makes the first move. You have more faith in his critical thinking skills than in your own, anyhow. Besides, he acted irrationally enough around April as is; introducing a proper romantic relationship into the mix sounds a bit too risky, especially at such a vulnerable time in his development.

You hear the distant sounds of mechanical joints approaching. ‘Already liking this better than ninja silence.’ You spin around, hopping off the ledge and onto the roof proper as you go to properly admire the metal wonder.

It looks infinitely cooler than the show would have you believe, if possible. Each piece of its hull has a past and you can see it in every scratch, every dent. It wasn’t anywhere near perfect; you can easily see where Donatello had hammered out the shell of the artificial terrapin, where he had had to settle for using concrete, even the faintest ghosts of the pennies making up its chest piece. It was a glorious collage.

You run over, going down on your knees to look it over. “This thing is so fucking cool,” you gush, shuffling around it. “Like, totally fucking awesome!”

You can hear the pride in his voice, the excitement. “I know, right?”

You hop back to your feet, keeping yourself from jumping up and down for the sake of pride. “That is the coolest shit ever!” You grin, sitting back down and taking a drink from your soda. “You never cease to amaze, Hamato.”

“You think?” He sounds almost like a puppy, excited as he is.

“Dude, totally.” You sigh, feeling yourself mellow out a little. “But, more importantly,” you continue, clapping your hands together once, “we should be properly watching the warehouse in case they need backup.”

“Oh, right!” The robot stomped over to you, standing slightly behind you as you dangle your feet over the edge.

You take another drink of soda, feeling the excitement in the air dying down as you look out over the buildings. ‘It’s oddly peaceful up here. Must not have started the attack yet.’ You swing your legs back and forth as silence settled between you two.

After a moment, he cleared his throat. “I meant to ask you before,” he said stiffly, “but how did you know this was happening today? You never explained it.”

You silently thank him for cutting the tension, turning around to face him properly. “Well,” you start, lacing your fingers together around your cup, “remember when I said that the show Leo watches shows up a lot in episodes?”

“Yeah.” You are not exactly sure why he sounds so interested in a detail like this.

“And you know how you watch on cable?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, as it turns out,” you dig into your jacket pocket, “they release television guides, telling people when certain shows are playing, what times they’re playing, shit like that. So,” you conclude, admittedly smug that you had reasoned this part out, “as long as I know what episode is playing during that episode, I can accurately predict any actions that happen during the periods in which you guys have cable access.”

“So, you map out what episodes are scheduled to play on what days and create a timeline around that?”

“Exactly. Not a bad plan.” You pull up a document, showing him the timeline you’ve created with this information. “As long as you guys are on the grid, and as long as Leo sticks to watching that specific channel, I’ll be able to predict the movements of every major player in the series, which means I’ll be able to determine who we can and can’t fuck with based off how they act later down the line, and I’ll be able to give you proper foresight when the situation—”

Your plan is interrupted by a section of the ledge directly next to you to gain a new hole. You leap to your feet, quickly backing up and almost tripping on Metalhead as you regain your senses and hear Mikey’s panicked yelling.

“That doesn’t look good.” You watch the machine starts backing up. “I’m gonna go in and help.”

Something strikes you. “Donnie, real quick, be careful not to run into anything. The technology you’re using is susceptible to Kraang influence.”

“Relax. I got this.” Metalhead gives you a thumbs up before running and leaping off the building, crashing through the glass roof feet first.

You sigh, getting to your feet. ‘Theme of today’s episode is not to rely on technology. Granted,’ you muse, starting to climb down the fire escape, ‘this probably could’ve been solved by adopting a more intuitive controller and having a bit more experience, but I digress.’ You hop the last few feet down. ‘In any case, I’ve done all I can. If that isn’t enough, so be it.’

You hear the explosion as you start walking back to your apartment. ‘He should be coming here in about three or so minutes.’

If you did not know how this would end, you would be much more concerned. As it stands? You know the score before the game is even played.

You wave hello to the doorman as you walk to the elevator. You tap your foot absentmindedly to the elevator music, walk to your apartment, unlock the door, and step inside, picking a large box off the ground in front of it before locking the door.

You walk over and set the box down on your bed, walking back to the kitchen. You pull a Tupperware box from on top of it, pulling a red velvet cupcake from the container and setting it on the counter.

You had died the first time you had made cupcakes. When you had tried making them again from your mother’s recipe, you had found yourself surprisingly unintimidated as you slid them into the oven. Of course, you had sat directly in front of the oven and stared at it during the entirety of the baking process, but you were hardly going to let the worst experience of your life separate you and the most nostalgic, joy-inducing feeling there was. Who else was going to make cupcakes?

You dry your hands, not realizing you had washed them as you pick the confection off the counter. You peel off a portion of the wrapper, biting into the savory and sweet bundle of joy in your mouth. You moan softly in satisfaction, licking the icing off your lips as you walk back over to your bed, sitting down and reaching for the knife under your pillow. You slice the tape, sliding your baby out of its packaging with a soft smile. You reach back in, taking another bite as you pull out a smaller bag. You set the box on the ground, tossing the now-empty wrapper into it and wiping the excess frosting on your jeans, pulling the instrument from its packaging.

Your father had taught you how to play a couple of years back. You never thought you would get weepy over a musical instrument, and yet, here you are, cradling a hunk of wood costing a little more than one day’s allowance. You purse your lips, running your fingers along the neck as you check for any defects in its construction. You crack open the bag and, after about half an hour of fiddling and research, manage to get the strings onto the violin bass without snapping it. It wasn’t an exact replica, but it was close enough that you feel comfortable holding it, feel joy hearing it come in tune.

You play a scale. It sounds like heaven to you.

You put the rest of the trash in the box, laying down next to the first item you have bought. A stand for it would be arriving tomorrow. That makes you smile.

This is the start of something healthy for you. Ironically, it has started with you eating a cupcake, but, still, you have begun to come to terms with your situation. Granted, you have a long way to go; you still have not deleted your social media, wanting to look out for photographs and clips from the funeral, but this is a step in the right direction. You have to believe that.

One small accomplishment: you have kept your apartment sparklingly clean. It is not as if you have much to do, but none the less.

You find your fingers playing an almost lullaby. You stop yourself, not wanting to fall asleep before getting yourself situated. You set your instrument to the side, getting up to close and shelve your cupcake box for future use. You wash your hands again.

You slide your jacket off and throw it onto a seat, knowing you will likely need it tomorrow. You make it a habit to at least get outside once per day, now. You understand that, even if it is not vital, you need to establish a routine. You must keep moving, if only for your sake of mind.

You check to see the curtains are closed, strip, put your clothes in a hamper. You take a shower, comb out your hair, brush your teeth. You do these things consciously, now. You change into a shirt for sleeping, crawling into bed and turning off the light. Tomorrow, you will have to go down to the laundromat to wash your few changes of clothes. You will eat three meals. You will drink eight glasses of water.

You set your phone on the nightstand, plugging it in. You reach over, fingers curling around the handle of the kitchen knife as you slide it under your pillow.

You close your eyes, feeling your heart pang again tonight.

“Goodnight,” you call to no one. “Love you.”

Silence.

It is better than it was. You do not cry tonight, wrapping your arms around your pillow.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” you mumble, feeling yourself drift into unconsciousness. “Love you too.”

Table of Contents

Chapter 4 Chapter 6 part 1

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #467

“oh, mary, mary, ain’t this fun?  /  mary, mary, i’ve got a gun”

If the last person you kissed asked you to marry them, what would you do? Pray to god it wasn't in public and tell him it's waaaay too soon for that one. Does your favorite uncle have any children? Yeah, a son and daughter. Name all the members (first, middle and last names) from your favorite band. Ha, it's funny how once upon a time, I could do this. All I've got now is John Michael Osbourne. Have you ever heard a young child swear? Maybe? Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo?: Yes to both. Has a taste of something ever made you smile? Boy meet me at The Cheesecake Factory and see what my face does lmaooo As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a paleontologist sooo badly. I wanted to discover new dinosaurs, put a shitload of work into unearthing fossils and being so proud to see the final results... Even now as an adult, if I could handle the heat, traveling, and hardcore school, I'd still love to do that. Would you cuss the person you hate the most out to their face? No. My hatred for her is unjustified and I'd rather just not say anything to her. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? No. Where do you see your closest friend in ten years? As one of the strongest people around. I imagine her with a job in medical coding, while also pursuing the hobbies of ball python breeding and writing. I'm sure she'll have loads of pets to love, too! Do you like Florence + The Machine? I've never listened to them. Did you watch the presidential debates? No. Do you ever watch Dr. Phil? No. Are you typically unattracted to people outside of your race? No; I can be attracted to any race. Have you ever ridden any animal other than a horse? No. Do you brush your hair when it’s wet? Yes. Do you eat the crusts of your bread? Yeah, I always have. Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah! At my childhood home, there was a tobacco field directly across the street, and when they weren't in season so the field was flat, Dad would help us with getting kites set up and in the air. Those are good memories. How are you for money? I don't make any money. Mom is struggling. Do you think you are more intelligent than the average person? Ha, no. Do you ever think about why we are here? Does it matter? We're here, so make the most of it. Do you like cherries? I fucking hate cherries. Name a celebrity that you admire that nobody would expect you to: Jeffree Star, probs. Can you use a yoyo? Not well, but yeah. Do you think Jenna Marbles’ videos are funny? I've actually never watched her. Do you like folk music? NOOOOOOOOO Ever had a crush on somebody of the same sex? Yes. Do you know any lesbians? Yep. Favourite member of your favourite band: I'm unfamiliar with all but Ozzy himself. And Ozzy is rad. Who’s your favourite female rapper? I don't have one. When you were younger, were you ever in a relationship with someone you now realize was way too old for you? No. Have you ever had a seizure? No. I sometimes have very, very quick spasms when I'm falling asleep that feel like what I assume a seizure would, but they barely last a second. They seriously jerk me awake, though, and are very startling. What’s the oldest man-made object you own? I dunno. Is there anything you feel like you need a break from? Not really, no. What do you hate to hear people joke about? I will actually and remorselessly deck you in the jaw if you make a joke about rape. There are other things that are absolutely forbidden joking matters for me, too. What’s the largest animal you’ve seen in the wild? Hmmm... Nothing that big, really. Maybe a whitetail deer buck? Do any of your friends or family members have strange occupations? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever been in weather so severe that you feared for your safety? Oh yeah. We've had some savage thunderstorms. What political issues are the most important to you personally? LGBTQ+ rights and just equality in general, the pro-choice movement, environmental conservation, gun control, the abolishment of poverty and homelessness... There is honestly a lot. I could keep going. Do you know anyone who doesn’t know how to cook even just simple recipes? ... Me. :x Especially now that I'm in a relationship, I really want to make a greater effort to learn. I want to prove to him I give a damn about the success of our relationship and that I'm capable of being an adult that can take part in general adult responsibilities. ^What’s stopping them from learning this basic life skill? Laziness. Forgetfulness. The fear of getting burned. What small thing makes you automatically distrust someone? I can pick up on sketchy body language from a mile away. I'm too paranoid not to. Of all the states/provinces in your country, which one is your favorite? At least from photographs I've seen, Utah appears BEAUTIFUL. That whole region of the U.S. in general. Are there any obscure foods you’ve eaten that most people have never tried? That's very unlikely. I'm far from explorative with food. When you travel to other countries, do you always try the local cuisine? I've never been outside the U.S. I would probably do that, though. I'd really want to experience the culture as thoroughly as I could. What did you do for your 19th birthday? Hell if I remember. What’s the kindest thing a total stranger has done for you? I remember as a young kid, my parents, two sisters, and I were getting food at McDonald's, and whoever was in front of us paid for our meals. Such a sweet gesture for a larger family. Have you ever used a meal kit delivery service? No, but there actually is one that I can't recall the name of that I'd like to try when I cook myself, especially getting started learning, but yeah, subscription fees. You see a lot of YouTubers get sponsored by them, if that rings a bell. Do you have any psychological issues rooted in events from your childhood? Possibly my fear of men, with my dad having been an alcoholic that had a 50/50 chance of being very angry when drunk. How organized are the files on your computer? Pretty organized, I'd say. I put stuff into folders. Would you date someone with braces? Yes? Do you ever rehearse conversations before you have them? Only always. Do you get angry at yourself or at others more often? Myself, for sure. When taking a cab, do you talk to the driver? I've never even taken a cab. Who or what greets you at the door every time you come home? Nobody, really. My cat is occasionally in the living room to see who's home, but not always because he's a lazy cat, ha ha. Do you ever chat about your favourite video games with your friends? Not really, no. I wish. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No, bc I'm poor. Are you currently studying a language? If so, which one? No. Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Yeah. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want some 'cuz I'm paranoid as hell. Are you waiting on anything right now? No. Have you ever been described as shy? Is it true? Oh, always. It's absolutely true. Name something you’re a complete sucker for? Baby animals, to name one thing. Do you remember when you first went on the internet? Nope. What is one way someone could completely put you off on a first date? Arrogance/over-confidence. What about a way someone could make you like them more on a first date? Make me genuinely laugh a lot, to name one way. Are you in love right now? Not yet. I love him with our decade of history, but I need more experience as a couple before I've got the confidence to say that. Do you wanna get married anytime soon? It wouldn't be smart to. I want to be in a strong relationship for quite a few years before I want that. Have you ever kissed someone in a band? No. Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear? No but oh my fucking god I wish!!!!!! Did your mom or dad ever put soap in your mouth? No, but Mom would threaten to. What was the last fruit you ate? Well, I had strawberry yogurt earlier today. Who was the last person to make you laugh? Girt. He is very, very good at that. Have you ever dated someone with more piercings than you? No. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Hell yeah man. Is there one night of your life you wish had never happened? I wish it hadn't happened the way it did. Do you have a close relationship with your sibling(s)? No. What was the last thing that you shared? Some watermelon Sour Patch Kids with my mom. Do you think people talk behind your back? You couldn't get me to believe my mom doesn't at least sometimes to my sisters even if you tried your absolute damnedest. In real life do you laugh like ‘haha,’ 'hehe’ or something else? It depends on what I'm laughing at/at what intensity. Do you have any unusual skills? Nah. Who’s your favourite person? I don't have a sole favorite person. I love many people in different ways for varying reasons. Are there any chores you actually enjoy doing? No. When did you last have an "Oh, I get it now!" moment? Watching Attack on Titan yesterday w/ Girt. Have your parents ever suspected something untrue about you? My mom HAD to have suspected I was doing something FAR worse than innocent meerkat RP to have borderline fucking traumatized me invading my privacy and forcing shit out of me regarding what I was always doing on the computer so secretively. Like I get it, she was a concerned mother, but I was a fucking WRECK because I found it so embarrassing. It was insulting that she didn't trust her well-behaved daughter. What do you think about video games? They're great for both the creators and consumers. They're wonderful expressions of creativity, and so much fun to experience as a player, delving into a new world and getting engrossed in the story. I could go onnnn and onnnnn about what video games mean to me. I've gone my whole life as a loyal gamer. Are there any forms of Art you personally find pointless? I really, really don't get a lot of abstract art that's worth fucking thousands, BUT, I absolutely disagree that they are without purpose. The artist created what they did for SOME reason. As a distraction, a method of expressing emotion, to convey an idea... Are you tired right now? I have been SO ridiculously tired today. Like it's unreal. I've taken I wanna say three naps and I'm still sleepy. What’s something you do a lot? Drink something. I'm not talking about alcohol; just in general, I ALWAYS need some kind of drink by me, and I go through drinks pretty quickly. Are you currently on any other websites? Yeah, I'm watching YouTube. Are you good at using Photoshop? I'm decent, I guess. Have you ever been told you naturally tilt your head a certain way? Yes, actually, at least by my mom, and she's right. My head tends to tilt VERY slightly to the right, and I can tell by how easy it is to bend my head that way as opposed to left. I'll feel a biiiit more strain.

[thirstofgames]

kitty and the jailbird

#️⃣2️⃣

-IT'S A MATCH-

A blank chat popped open and Damien stared at it for a second. He had honestly not expected it. The girl actually swiped him right. He looked at the clock impatiently; he did not have much time left in the library. There was a loud shout from the hallway, his muscles tensing, ready to hide the phone and bolt at any second.

He regretted that last question right as he pushed send. It sounded so bitter in his head now. It was a dating app after all and she was a good looking young woman.

you there?

...

hello?

busy flirting with your other matches, huh?

And there it was all about to end, the hot topic of his whereabouts. And the swift and cruel rejection that followed. It had already happened one too many times! Could he go through his again? Was it worth it? His palms were sweaty, but he never felt so cold. If the ground could just open up and swallow him whole before she finished asking... 

No, sorry

Just a little surprised we matched

you can unmatch if you want

Well, what I want is to talk with you 😊

Your profile caught my eye

what part?

Your profile pic at first.

Most guys can't pull off the broken, deep and scowling thing

But... looks good on you.

you don't look so bad yourself-

but then I read your description...

and I have to know something

shoot 🙄

It was a simple Yes/No question, but it took Kate way to long to answer. She bit her lip, thinking hard on the possibilities. It was such an unfair question though. She was not going to leave, but was not going to pursue anything with him until she knew what he was in for and how long he was going to be locked up. She'd wasted enough years waiting up on others... 

I'm just a little confused 🤔

Are you really in jail?

you gonna leave if I say yes?

It really depends...

A bittersweet smile spread on his lips. What was he expecting from a girl like her? She probably had a nice job, a supporting family and tons of friends and... an actual future. Why would she even consider wasting her time with him? The little time he had left... Better to just pull off the band aid!

She felt to bad! She hadn't meant to disregard his feelings, but wasn't it fair to let her know what she was getting into? She didn't even know what he was expecting from the conversation they were having... She was curious, but she didn’t want to lead him on.

okay, let's just say...

the orange pants and barbed wire are real

OMG

I have so mane questions 😱

here we go...

What did you do?

Wait, where do you even hide your phone?

STOP!

enough with the interrogation, alright?

I'm just curious...

sure, but i'm more than just a prisoner

a little respect goes a long way

Kate’s heart sank. He was hot, but the prison was a serious issue... She supposed people were not lining up to get to know him. He seemed pretty well rounded and mannered, but he was very defensive about his crime. Did that mean it was something really bad? But he was on a dating app... so maybe he was getting out soon? 

You're right!

I'm so sorry 😓

Let's change the subject

Why don't you tell me what you're looking for

hmmm

What?

i'm thinking...

nobody's really asked me that before

Seriously?

most people stop talking to me when they find out i'm locked up

i don't really blame them. i'm rough around the edges.

She didn't say anything for a while and Damien started wondering if he should just close the damn phone and leave. He should also probably take a break from Lovelink after this... it clearly wasn't doing him any good. Dark thoughts swarmed his mind and he had to close his eyes and head his head back against the bookshelf to get rid of the harrowing feeling. Like he was falling in an endless pit...  

The screen showed him typing and deleting several responses. Kate pursed her lips, impatient. Had she said anything wrong? She’d never spoken to someone who’d been locked up, she was still unsure what could trigger painful memories, or just remind him that he was... not free. But he said he just wanted to chat and his profile mentioned 'deep conversations'... 

Okay, I'm not running away, for now

but...

But I can't really make up my mind

If I don't know anything about you

So...

alright

honestly I'm just looking to talk to someone from the outside

it can get pretty boring in here, just waiting around the clock

Let's be friends then 😊

I'll be your window to the outside world

If that's alright with you...?

Damien sighed on the other end. Beggars can’t be choosers. It was a step in the right direction though. Maybe he was not going to find the love of his life at the very fucking end of said life. He was not living in some fairytale! He was still going to die, alone and forgotten.

But maybe... just a little less alone at the very end of his road. One friend meant more than none and maybe, just maybe... he could tell her his side of the story. Eventually. She seemed patient and understanding enough. Let at least one person out there know he did not murder his own father. 

sure

that's more than most

Of course a pretty thing like her got a lot on attention... She was only chatting up with him because the others were offline- 

but it must have been pretty bad to be such a long sentence

you still can't tell me what the crime was?

look, i've been making my own rules my whole life

you better ask what crimes I DIDN'T do

wow...

i'm no bragging or anything, just letting you know where I'm at

anyways, I'm more interested in what you're all about

what are you doing on an app like this?

Honestly...

I was about to uninstall it right before we matched 😅

Oh

you already found the one?

or no luck at all?

Well, I went on a few nice dates...

i see

Suddenly his experience on the app seemed less awful. Maybe it was not the right place. Or perhaps it was just the place for a misfit like him, here with all the weirdoes and con artists. 

And then they ditched me for their exes

Just my luck 😂

Oh and I swear to god if I see one more vampire 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄

vampires?

Yeees

You wouldn't believe some of the things I saw...

OMG, one dude was actually dresses up as a centaur

I...

don't even want to ask

There's also the 'prince' scam going around

Dudes claiming to be the heirs of some  

Made up countries and asking you for money

It wasn't quite a rejection, but it still hurt a little. She already mentioned twice she was only interested in him as friends. She didn't need to spell it out every few minutes! But she was the only one... 

Met some nice people too ☺️

Actually became good friends with some

Which is nice since I just moved here

were did you come from?

Pallay 💜

you're a long way from home

I know 😢

I suppose it was getting kinda lonely

My friends and family come visit when they can

But that's not a lot...

what brought you here?

Got a really good job opportunity

But I didn't quite realize how far away I'd be

So yeah, to answer your question from before...

I'm kinda just chatting with new people

Made more friends than anything else lol

Hope that's aright with you 🤗

A smile crept on his lips. An actual, genuine smile. How long had it been since he had any reason to? God, it felt good to talk to someone! Someone who didn't know him, who didn't shout 'walking corpse' after him, didn't judge him. He almost felt like his old self. Almost. 

i'm cool with that

Great!

Looking forward to getting to know you, Damien 😄

so let's get to it

tell me about yourself

hobbies, favorite food, anything

my hobbies are always changing 🤔

I start something new every month or so

Oh, and I started volunteering at a vet lately

🐱🐶💕

With a friend I made on this app

it suits you

Hmmmmm how would you know?

We've only just met

just a hunch

I could secretly be evil 😈

you couldn't hurt a fly

besides, I've seen evil and believe me

you're not it

I'm guessing you're not going to elaborate on that

Are you?

see, you know me so well already

Smartass 😝

 At lest until she finds out.

And I love food 🤤

Who doesn't? lol

But picking a favorite is like... impossible

I do have one hell of a sweet tooth  🍫🍬🍦

I'm soooo jealous

I miss making my own meals

That's right! You probably just have a cafeteria.

I'm so sorry 😓

it's cool

i'm glad we have something in common

Is there any food you miss?

Wait... was there even steak in that picture? Kate felt her ears burning, the fluffy pajamas studently itching at her skin.

just makin my own in general, being in charge in the kitchen

Damien scrolled quickly through his phone, the memories leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He nearly didn’t send the photo. It felt like so long ago, a different time...a different person. But it felt so good to remember! To be reminded of the more happier moments when he had all his life ahead of him! And showing her a piece of his past may make her curious enough to stick around for a while longer.

He hit Send.

-Tap to download photo-

Oh

Looks... delicious

you like steak? 

Oh yeah, the food 😳

Wish I could have a bite of that hahaha

So not so shy and innocent as she claimed. Good to know. Even if it didn’t lead anywhere, which he had to be realistic about - he was on death row after all - it was still fun. The most fun he’d had in a long while. It felt...nice.

HA!

i wish you could too 😏

The door of the library swung open hitting the opposite wall. The guard in charge could be heard arguing with someone. At least four voices. He had to move fast.

I'm really hungry now 😅

good

Kate stared at the screen, the little green light besides his profile picture going grey. She scrolled through the conversation as if to make sure she hadn’t just imagined it. She tapped the picture he’d sent, a small smile creeping on her lips. He looked so... normal. Well, more like smoking hot, but she expected some kind of dump, or some greasy repair shop, not Greek sculpture level abs. The boy should come with a warning! She was a sucker for bad boys, but had she gotten so bad that she was now considering a fucking convict? What if he was a murderer or something??

shit!

???

someone's coming

gotta hide my phone

talk soon

Be careful! 🙏🏻

Her ice cream, forgotten on the coffee table, had turned to soup.

What had she gotten herself into?

[night-filled-mountain]

For the Hozier ask thing: No Plan, Be, Talk

- No Plan - Do you believe in a pre-determined purpose in life?

No, but I think it can be helpful–for some people!–to think and act like you have a pre-determined purpose, as long as you’re not too rigid about it. Sometimes the random twists and turns of life just get overwhelming, you know? And you need to weave them into some sort of pattern–“A, B, and C all happened in order to lead me to D,” or “Despite X obstacle, I know I’m meant to accomplish Y.” Humans are pattern-finding creatures–that’s why we like stories so much. I can’t imagine getting through life without periodically making it into a story, whether you actually believe in some divine Plan and Author or not. (This is reminding me once again of that Brian W. Foster lyric I’ve become obsessed with: “And if it wasn’t designed, then I’ll be damned if I ever know why.”)

Though honestly, for me? The opposite is true. I’ve faced, and continue to face, so many mental-health barriers to having the kind of life I’d like to have, and I’ve fought (and continue to fight!) such a harrowing, hard-scrabble fight to make that life happen anyway. It’s a massive struggle, it’s ongoing, it’s every day. It’s exhausting and humiliating and entirely without dignity. So the thing that I like to tell myself about the life I want? Is that I wasn’t meant to have it. Some particularly nasty gods have played a trick on me since birth, crafting a person for whom friends/romance/productive work/artistic fulfillment/Happiness are impossible–and day after day, I’m fighting them, trying to prove them wrong. Clawing and biting at them with everything I have in me. Forcing my way out of their boxes, grasping at what I want, and spitting in their eye for good measure.

I’m sure my preference for this narrative says something about me as a person, but I leave that up to you, anon!

- Be - Have you changed much as a person in the last year? 

…I literally don’t know where to start.

In August 2018, I wasn’t married yet. I lived in a small town in New Jersey with my parents and sister, and was desperately terrified of moving (permanently) anywhere else. I had completed two master’s degrees just a few months before, but I’d never had a full-time job, and I was 250% convinced (for the aforementioned mental-health reasons, and a chronic physical illness to boot!) that I could never, ever have one. Oh, and I’d just gotten back from a visit to my former roommate (which remains the last time I saw her, not counting Skype), and I was suffering constant agony over the intense, passionate, mutually pining, emotionally needy, co-dependent mess that was that relationship.

And now?

I’m married. I live in Boston, in an apartment where I’ve paid 100% of the rent for the past six months (though that will soon be changing!). I have a full-time job that has challenged and transformed me in ways that I could not possibly have imagined six months ago. Like…literally could not have fathomed. Outside the scope of my brainpower. Beyond my wildest dreams.

I’m the head of my department…because I’m the entire department. I do heavy-duty customer service. I interact with dozens of strangers every day–children, teens, and adults–and I usually do it without a whisper of social anxiety. I pick up my desk phone when it rings. I make phone calls when I have to. I send and receive dozens of e-mails a week. I manage a budget! I place orders! I schedule programs! I answer reference questions! I operate and troubleshoot various forms of technology constantly, and teach others how to use them. I reason with, joke with, assist, educate, entertain, chastise, and discipline 20+ rowdy teenagers ON A DAILY BASIS. There have been many days, and once an entire week, when I was literally in charge of my entire workplace and everyone in it. And it was all still functioning when my boss got back.

…And it’s actually really timely that I should write about all this now, because I’m smack-dab in the middle of an extremely daunting work task, one that’s causing my ADD to kick my ass to hell and back. And I’ve spent the past few days wondering just how fucking desperate this place must have been to hire someone who’s been wretchedly sobbing over her utter lack of focus and organizational skills for almost 30 years. So it’s…quite the morale-booster to look at these paragraphs about just how goddamn far I’ve come in a year.

…Also, Ex-Roommate and I have gone no-contact, and most days, I don’t think about her. And if I do, it doesn’t hurt so much.

- Talk - What’s your best friend like? 

I have three (3) best friends, and they are MY WORLD, so get ready for this.

(1.) My husband. We’ll call him Kit, which is, in fact, a name he often goes by. He is a Gemini, which I mention only because he’s a very classic Gemini: bursting with curiosity, interested in everything, with a dizzying array of hobbies and interests that seem to change and shift by the moment. He teaches science, and used to teach history. He loves camping, sea shanties, Lawrence of Arabia, board games, and tabletop RPGs. Being a teacher, he’s had the summer off, and he’s spent it being a house-husband: cleaning our apartment, buying all the groceries, doing my laundry an embarrassing number of times, and cooking me dinner every single night. He loves being useful to people and making people happy. He’s terrific at long-term planning, but has no sense of time, and he’d be late to everything without my intervention. We have separate bedrooms, and mine is obsessively neat, and his is…not. He was once bitten by a squirrel that he was hand-feeding on the Boston Common. A few days later, he received a serious electric shock from a string of Christmas lights, and the bandage he’d placed over the squirrel bite was burned black instead of his hand. This perfect balance of cursed and blessed is, in a way, all you really need to know about Kit.

We love to watch movies and TV shows together and discuss/analyze them obsessively. We love to have looong philosophical discussions and/or debates. We take walks, we get Italian food and/or ice cream far too often, we go on jolly road-trip adventures, and we read out loud to each other. He’s currently reading me Charles Dickens’ Our Mutual Friend, which I have read before (twice) and he has not, because I love it so intensely, and I know that he will too. He’s the best person on earth to discuss virtually anything with, to be honest. He’s my DM in the best D&D campaign I’ve ever been part of. I’ve just made a new D&D character, although I don’t have a campaign for her yet, and Kit cannot stop lavishing praise on her and getting excited about her…even though she’s a hobgoblin, and he spent a significant portion of a recent car ride passionately arguing with me about the viability of hobgoblins as player characters.

He is absolutely extraordinary at admitting when he’s wrong, owning it fully, changing his opinions, pursuing personal growth, and just becoming a better and better person all the time. And I’m so damn honored that I get to be here for it.

(2.) We’ll call my second best friend Unicorn, which is a multilayered inside joke.

I met Unicorn during my freshman year of college. We lived on the same floor. I was the odd woman out among my suitemates because I had crippling social anxiety; he was the odd man out among his because he was gay. Somehow we started watching movies and TV shows together, and it became our Thing; I think our current marathon record is six or seven movies in a row. We’re both from New Jersey, and he still lives there, and there are few places in the world I feel safer than on his giant couch, in front of his giant TV, with snacks and glasses of Limeade close at hand, and his neurotic little dog nosing about. He has a pool, a massive movie collection, and an encyclopedic knowledge of state politics, because he works as a full-time environmental canvasser. His hours are absolutely terrifying, as are the physical and social demands of his job, but he still finds time to run a D&D campaign for his coworkers, and to visit the rest of us in Boston at every possible opportunity.

Unicorn is barely a month older than I am (a fellow Leo, though I think it suits him a hell of a lot better than it suits me), and he understands me in specific ways that the other two members of our little quartet just can’t. We get each other’s humor, we have similar tastes in men, we both love to swim. When the four members of our found family are all together, he is invariably the only person who notices all my little puns and innuendos, and laughs every time.  He listens to me, and asks me questions, in a way that no one else in the world quite seems to do. He made a speech at my wedding that reduced me to a blubbering mess. And, most importantly of all: He started inviting me to our college’s LGBT group when we were juniors (right after Kit and I started dating), which was how I met my third best friend, and how we all became a family.

(3.) I’m going to refer to Best Friend #3 as “Dragon,” because…he loves dragons, and because he was Unicorn’s roommate when I first met him, and it keeps the mythological-creature theme going. …And once again, I don’t know where to start, so I’m going to go dig up an old post I made about Dragon, copy and paste it below, and then figure out how to elaborate on someone who both my husband and I have identified as the best human being we have ever met.

This is a friend who invites the whole gang of us to his apartment for entire long weekends, and cooks for us, repeatedly. Who hosts “fake Christmas” every year, complete with a tree decorated with blue and silver ornaments because he is Jewish, and made all of us hand-stitched, personalized stockings, and fills them with gifts and sweets purchased specially for each of us. Who once baked me a cake just because I was coming to visit him. Who organized and directed my entire move from New Jersey to Boston because his Tetris-like car-packing skills and his utter laidback unshakable calm in the face of any task are absolutely unparalleled. Who is a goddamn wizard at literally everything, from cooking and baking and sewing to Photoshop and graphic design to painting D&D miniatures to putting together elaborate cosplays to theater tech to writing and research to courageous and tireless activism to law (did I mention he’s a lawyer?).

…That was my old paragraph, so let me add a few things. I can’t emphasize enough how much he carries that aura of calm and kindness and competence about him at all times. Never in my life had I had a cooking/baking experience that didn’t stress me out until Dragon let me help him make an entire dinner and various desserts for our friend group, and it was just…so chill. So well-organized and perfectly timed, but without ever feeling like those things took any effort whatsoever. He was so kind and patient with me, demonstrating each task step by step, then being entirely confident in my ability to perform said tasks, and never trying to nitpick at the way I did them or take them over himself. Part of his job involves teaching, and I know he must be fantastic at it, because no one else has ever been such a soothing balm and a stimulant (both at once, somehow!) to my poor, tormented ADD brain. Someday (maybe soonish!), our whole found family is going to live together, and the thought of being around Dragon all the time just makes me weep with joy. And did I mention his sweet, child-like enthusiasm for holiday celebrations and ghost tours and spooky TV shows and musicals and fantasy novels and text RP and all other Best Things? (Ok, he also loves dogs and Marvel movies, and I love neither, but I forgive him for this.)

Oh, he also officiated my wedding. And he also had top surgery today, and I have maybe never been this happy about anything ever, what an auspicious day to finish this post!

[nehawriter16]

5.11.19 - my life is falling apart and other updates.

Hello internet.

Just wanted to talk today. I like Tumblr because not many people I know follow me on here. Also there isn’t a word limit, and sometimes a girl just wants to rant.

So this is me releasing all my thoughts into the world today.

1. ACADEMICS

I quit chartered accountancy. Just woke up one day, and told my parents I couldn’t do it anymore. That was a long week at home, and I know they’re disappointed in me. All along I’ve been a bright student, somebody who never disappointed and they could brag about at dinner parties. But this course cut me open. It hurt me, it sent me crumbling and it dragged me through hell. In the movie Dear Zindagi, Alia Bhatt is in therapy and Shahrukh Khan tells her that sometimes we keep doing the hard thing because we think we have to. And we forget that its okay to pick an easy way. I guess that’s what I’m doing. I’m choosing the easier way because the harder way made me unhappy, it made me unhappy to the point where I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

So the new plan is that I will give my GRE and apply to Masters in Finance courses in the US. Preferably in the STEM field, because its easy to get a work visa after graduating if you’re a STEM graduate. Do I think this is the perfect career path for me? No, absolutely not. But do I think it will do me good to finally move the fuck out of home, have a change of continent, meet some new people, and have the college experience I always felt I missed out on? Yes.

So this is what we’re doing. My GRE is in 12 days. I am barely prepared.

2. DRIVE/PASSION

I always had a passion for writing. I knew when I discovered it that it not only brought me joy, but I was pretty damn good at it. Unfortunately being brown, and coming from a family of people who had all built their career from scratch by making practical decisions, because they didn’t have a choice due to their humble backgrounds, I was always told that writing was a futile thing and would just be a hobby, not something to be looked at as a career option. I disagreed. Having made a bit of money from it now, I still disagree.

But I’ve been brought up in the lap of luxury and I have a pretty high standard of living. I like my weekly Starbucks and I go to bars that don’t have happy hours. I enjoy the bimonthly staycation in a fancy hotel, and I hate repeating outfits and thoroughly enjoy fashion, so I’m always buying new clothes. It makes me happy to look good.

So yeah, I agree that since I haven’t had the liberty to pursue writing full time, I haven’t yet found a way to make a living from it. Maybe it’s a risk, and a back up plan is advisable. But all I know is writing is the only thing I feel like waking up to do. Even now, when my life is falling apart, it’s the only thing that makes sense to me.

Growing up I was always a hardworking student. And if I wasn’t, my Mom made me that way. She would yell if I got bad marks, and she always encouraged that I at least be in the top ten in class. Even the school I went to was pretty much only concerned with academics. And so due to the environment and brainwashing, I did well. I stayed in the 90 percent lane all my life, all the way up to twelfth grade. In my junior college I had two of the worst years of my life. I was molested by my co caption for months on end, and I couldn’t escape him. It was constant mental, emotional and physical turmoil, more so because I couldn’t tell anyone. Despite how insanely difficult it was to spend six hours every day in the place where my molester showed up every day, I still managed to keep my grades high. I scored 92 percent, and my parents were happy.

I had no passion for finance, but since I had proved to be so bright, my parents said the only thing to do now was four years of Chartered Accountancy. After that, my life would be sorted. I passed the first level by studying for 2 months, while other people attended classes for a year. I passed the second level too. I got into one of the biggest global multiconsulting firms in the world for my internship, and my parents were happy. My life was on track, and it didn’t matter that I was crying in the cabs home from work because I was so miserable. It didn’t matter as long as the plan was being followed. After all, the plan was being followed and I was so goddamn close to the finish line.

Two years into my internship I decided I needed to quit, or at least shift to a smaller firm. The pressures in this one were too much and I was so sad I could barely make it out of bed. So I told my parents I needed to study for my finals, and they got me out of it. My mental health was derailing – but oh boy, was this just the beginning. I moved to a smaller firm and pretended to stay home on the weekends and study. Instead, all I did was lay in bed with YouTube videos playing on loop because I couldn’t bear to be alone with my thoughts.

2017 was the year my boyfriend broke up with me too, so all kinds of shit was hitting the fan at the same time. I was fucked up in every way. I started using alcohol to fall asleep, to wake up, to do pretty much anything actually. To engage in social situations, I’d carry around a quarter in my bag and drink it in the cab. It eased my anxiety and helped me smile at people in a more convincing way.

2018 sucked. So did 2019. These two years are a blurry flatline in my head. I have been drowning like the ground I walk on is quicksand, and the more I struggle to get out, the more it pulls me in. When I look back at my life’s work in the past two years, I see nothing. Nothing that counts as an achievement anyway.

I wasted them while everybody else was putting in the work to get into ivy league schools or pass exams, get their first real jobs kickstarted. I lay in bed and watched every tv show there was to watch with the curtains drawn. I ran through horrible men and gave my body up to practical strangers that I felt nothing for, and the ones I liked left me, like they always do. Yeah, I wrote two books. Made enough money to support my alcohol addiction, my shopping habits, my vacations and staycations. I blew it all off on the temporary ride of whatever would bring me happiness in the moment.

I lost myself. I lost myself to illness and addiction and worthless friends and denial. I’m still lost. I used to have a drive in my body, something that said wake up and get things done today. Instead, I’ve been doing the zombie shuffle through my own life. Sometimes I wake up and my first thought is – “How long till this day is over.” I count the hours until I can crawl back into bed, till its an acceptable time to go to sleep. Because the only place I don’t feel like my brain has a fucking dense fog rolling through it is when I’m sleeping.

I used to be brilliant, and I’ve lost my shine. I’ve lost my willpower, my ability to be the hardest working person in the room. I have gotten self destructive to the point where I procrastinate and procrastinate and then it’s too late for everything. I am so fucked up, you have no idea.

I don’t know what I should do to bring that feeling of wanting to do something perfectly back. You know, the feeling of studying so hard you know everything on the test. The feeling of being the best, no questions asked. The feeling of answering questions in class and submitting assignments on time and just…enjoying the process of academia that I used to love so much. But I guess in depression, your brain sort of grows old and tired. It can’t remember things. It doesn’t want to move, or think, or do anything difficult.

My memory is deteriorating and the moments I’m supposed to remember and the information I should retain? It gets lost more often than not. And I am so scared to assess the scale of this incompetency that I just don’t even try because whenever I do, it’s all so overwhelming and all the trauma from Chartered Accountancy comes swirling back to hit me in the head.

3. BODY IMAGE

As a result of my constant sadness, I had to find ways to make myself happy. The periods of happiness lasted for a short while, but I rode the highs to the fullest because I knew the darkness would be back eventually. I turned to alcohol and marijuana and nicotine, to the point where every three or four days I would need one or the other, if not all three in combination. I would drink every night to be able to fall asleep. In my cupboard there is a special collection of all the wine bottles that have acted as sleeping pills.

I also began to eat junk food, because carbohydrates make you happy before they make you feel like shit. All addictions are like that, actually. Swiggy was my best friend, and my array of lovers : greasy Chinese, McDonalds, any dessert place – just whatever was bad for your skin, fattening, but would be brought to you by a wonderful man on a bike no matter what the weather was, and was easy to eat and throw all evidence of out later and forget that somewhere on my body, this food would settle into another ugly layer.

In the middle I got sick of myself and went to the gym, started going at it hard. My body improved and the endorphins were definitely helping, but a few months in I stopped waking up. My brain said it didn’t want to anymore, and I, the slave to my depression, caved and listened. I haven’t been since. The swiggy orders keep coming in every day and I keep throwing the containers into the trash, changing quickly from one outfit into another so I don’t have to see what I look like naked.

But I know. I somehow hate myself for the disgust I have for certain parts of my body, and then for the part of me that knows it wants to “fix” them all, but is in constant battle with the part of me that says I shouldn’t feel guilty for taking up space or for being a curvy girl. But body positivity isn’t about a number on a scale, its just about whether you like your reflection in the mirror, whether it makes you happy. Mine hasn’t made me happy in a long time. But then again, what the fuck has?

Sometimes I’m in trial rooms with harsh lighting and I just stare at myself and call myself horrible names. I keep the lights off when boys come over and the clothes come off. I keep saying, “I have to lose 10 kgs,” but I keep ordering from Swiggy every time a depressive episode rolls in to make it go away.

I keep setting deadlines, like, “After this month, I will cut out sugar!” and “After this exam, I will go back to the gym!” but then I fuck up and I’m like, oh well. Maybe next month.

The bottom line is I despise my body and the way it’s started to look. It doesn’t help that my Instagram feed is full of women with perfect skin, defined abs, and perky butts with chiselled features. I want all of that. I want to feel beautiful, and beautiful is hard work. Which, of course, my brain pines after, but never actually lets me get out of bed to do.

4. DATING/LOVE

My last serious relationship ended in 2017. I briefly dated somebody exclusively in the beginning of 2019, but he turned out to be the biggest asshole of them all, and “didn’t realise” he was using me to get over his ex-girlfriend. He broke up with me over text, pretty much cheated on me, didn’t even explain himself until I found out from some mutual friends. After that I was done, I couldn’t take love anymore. I couldn’t let anybody in because every relationship I’ve ever been in has ended with me being the second choice or me being dumped or betrayed and left hurt and broken for years.

The trauma is too much. So I decided I was never going to let anybody leave me again or enter my life and find a permanent place in it. I became the biggest fuckboy of them all, despite my conscience that has always been a good, kind and sensitive thing. This player thing really isn’t for me, but it was fun for a while to trump boys and play mind games and make them feel inadequate about themselves, to stand them up and never call back and ask them to leave my house after I had gotten what I wanted, to only call when I wanted it again.

I purposely picked out the worst, baddest ones. Then I tamed them by being even worse than they were. In May I began speaking to somebody who was fun and hilarious and good looking and well off and who made my brain feel alive again. Every time he texted me I caught myself smiling, and all our conversations consisted of saying witty sarcastic things to each other. We went on one date and he kissed me in the car, but for some reason in real life his life was so different from mine, that I declared the kiss good (he put his hand in my hair and grabbed, in a non hurtful but very I’m-super-into-this way, ooofff) and the date a disaster. I don’t know whether I was just in denial of my now strongly sprouting crush, or whether I actually hated it.

As the months passed, I tried to get him to go out with me again. I’m not much of a pursuer, because I have always been the one who gets pursued. But this boy was different. We would talk a lot over DM and we would make fun of each other and his life was fabulous and exciting and I watched from the outside, and built him into a much grander version of who he is in real life. I do that. What made him even more attractive was that he didn’t want me, and I couldn’t figure out for the love of God why not. I thought I was the whole package, and I even started to act out a little bit in the psycho way he told me he liked his women, which is SO TOXIC but I had actually felt something for somebody after so long that I didn’t even backtrack. Anyway, it soon became clear that it was not going to lead anywhere because he just disappointed me, didn’t show up, and my ego took a hit. I let it go, mostly. Or I will, as time passes.

I think I deserve love. Not the makes you feel good and carries your bag when its heavy kind. I deserve the love that I am ready to give – the grand romantic gestures that would be so dumb, but somehow he makes them work. The cant live without you love. The we’re best friends and teammates and nothing, not even distance, not our past demons, will keep us from making it work. I want the kind of person who is so sure of who they are, so internally confident, and so absolutely sure that I am their soulmate that I convinces me. I don’t want to meet a lot of wrong boys, goddamnit. I’ve done my fair share of the wrong boys, I’ve paid my dues for the amount of hurt one person is supposed to have. Now I just want the right one.

Deep down, I know he’s not here. Not in this city, because that would just be a cruel joke. Imagine meeting your soulmate and then having to go to college in six months. Fucking shit. If the universe even pities me a little bit, it wont do that to me.

I sometimes wonder if my life only stays on track if my romantic life is going well. I mean, when I dated my last serious boyfriend, I had it all – I was skinny. I had a prestigious internship. I was passing my exams. The writing was flourishing. This is a very scary thought, because I don’t want to depend or co exist on somebody else for my happiness in any way. But I cant deny the fact that my entire life fell apart when that last boy, who I loved with all my heart, broke up with me. It hasn’t been quite the same since.

His life is going spectacularly well, though. Lots of women and a great job and enough money to buy plane tickets to different cities to meet these women when he wouldn’t even drive down three hours to see me in a neighbouring town. I hate how unfair life is. He’s found some amazing people that he has feelings for, that like him back, even though he’s the one who broke my heart. And I still haven’t found a single person who even makes it to the second date, and the only one who did was just using me as a placeholder while his cheating ex girlfriend took a vacation from their relationship. So how the fuck is that fair? Am I being given the worst kind of experiences because my broken heart produces a special brand of my best writing? If yes, then I’m tired. I’d rather be a mediocre writer, but I cant spend my whole life being abandoned and cheated on and dumped and taken for granted, especially when the kind of love I can give is loyal and abundant and pure.

  That’s it. Those are my issues, or some of them. Honestly I’m tired of typing and want to retire to my safe space that is my bed, and the deep dark comfort of unconsciousness. I just thought I might feel better if I could release this into the world, before I feel a little better and write another post manifesting what I envision my life to be next year.

If you made it to the end, you truly love me and care for me. Thanks for sticking with me, I guess. I hope things get better. I used to say that the good thing about rock bottom is that there’s nowhere to go but up. I wish there was some kind of tracker that told you when you’d actually hit rock bottom, because all I do is keep on fucking sinking deeper and deeper.

[the-first-date]

A conversation with Ashley Pecorelli [25/F/Brooklyn]

Madge Maril: So, first things first, tell us a bit about yourself — hobbies, job, dog.

Ashley Pecorelli: Well! I am a queer mental health counselor-in-training (and hope to make mental health resources accessible to LGBTQ adolescents)! Besides REAL hobbies which I definitely have (?) I enjoy watching Property Brothers with my lil dog, Mitski, thinking about the Twilight saga at all times, and using The Sims to cathart. It is way harder than I thought it would be to write something about myself wow.

MM: Real Tinder bio hours.

AP: So my Tinder bio was most recently (I guess still is) a transcript of the ticket girl video, specifically when she says that she called the police station to see if she could serve jail time instead of paying the ticket. It says all you need to know about me.

MM: I'm going to find this video and hyperlink it. Did tinder work for you? I guess "work" being that you are now in love, as I gather.

AP: https://youtu.be/EujUx_82Bxs one step ahead of you. So I guess Tinder did "work" for me! Although honestly I never felt that it was overtly working against me because when I started using it in earnest, I really wasn't looking for something in particular.

MM: Ooo, I've never thought about tinder working against us. Though I definitely think it has for me before. 

AP: I started using it right after I got out of a long, damaging relationship, dated around a bit and had fun and didn't have fun and then found someone who is also With Her (Ticket Girl). How do you feel it worked against you? 

MM: Oh no, you're turning the table!

AP: Oops.

MM: Honestly, I can readily admit that I download tinder A. way too fast after a breakup and B. to get compliments from men. I just swipe and swipe and swipe.

AP: True, it's honestly the ultimate game. Total sensory overload in one sense but in another sense also total sensory deprivation.

MM: Oo yeah. For me it's complete escapism, and I only really responded to people who were treating it the same way. So no good. But — what inspired you to first start looking for something in particular? I.e. what do you think inspired you to really pursue finding someone?

AP: Honestly, I truly did download it way too fast after a breakup, like the same day hahaha. But I guess for me the breakup was more a final escape and the first time I felt any sort of emotional (and sexual, sadly) agency, so once I got out I wanted to start exploring that as quickly as possible. I really didn't know what I wanted until I started seeing people and seeing things I did like and things I didn't — but the truly WILD thing was, even when a person and I truly just were not a good fit, I saw what healthy romance and sex is SUPPOSED to look like and understood that I had previously had no idea what the bare minimum level of being treated like a human is. Which is pretty sad and dark! But was also really exciting, to get crushes or feel NO spark or make out with a woman in a bar or have someone listen to the album you recommended them.

So all of that, the good and the bad and the platonic and not platonic, was great, in retrospect. But then I met my current partner (lol) and realized that it could be way more than just the bare minimum, and could be something I really didn't think existed. Not just love (because somehow I've never doubted love's existence) but true understanding. 

MM: Damn. Thank you for sharing that. Let's talk about those interactions — the dates. The million dollar question: What do you wear on a first date?

AP: Hell yeah now the JUICY BITS. So on a first date, I typically try to look hot (obviously) but also somehow represent myself to the other person in almost an experimental way. Like I try to put on something I myself would feel really awesome in, and if for whatever reason that's not their idea of hot, fuck them! That's my whole mentality anyway. 

My favorite first date outfit has been my black vintage T-shirt with two dragons dueling over a castle, knotted up to show a bit of not abs-abs, high-waisted black jersey peg pants (that feel like pajamas), chunky black platform boots, and whatever big weird earrings I bought on my most recent whim. If they don't like the dragon shirt, they ain't shit.

MM: Black jersey peg pants? What are peg pants?

AP: It's actually these very particular pants from ASOS.

MM: WOW these are the pants of dreams.

AP: SO comfortable, SO flattering — basically have the look of something Audrey Hepburn would wear but way more accessible and comfy.

MM: The pockets! The high rise! The cropped cut! I get it. 

AP: SO GOOD right???

MM: Do you think you also factor in what the person you're going on a date with will find hot? Do you take into account their age, gender, all that? 

AP: Oh, totally. Honestly most especially with other women, but people of all genders for sure. I think when I go to pick something out I kind of picture what I know about them (however little) and what their sensibility might be when it comes to style and aesthetics and ~hotness~. I also think the more I have felt unsure about someone or the way things are going, the harder I try to almost make up for it.

MM: Completely agree. Dating women ups the ante.

AP: It totally does! And then I think about her and wonder if she's doing the same thing.

MM: Do you wear perfume or makeup on a first date, too? (Also yes... I mean if we're all thinking it then SHE has to be thinking it, too. Right?)

AP: Yes! I wear whatever my signature scent is — I say this because I always have one, but it evolves every so often. My favorite one for over a year now has been from & Other Stories. Makeup wise, I just try to look like what I would look like on the hotter end of the everyday spectrum. Basically meaning... the addition of foundation and multiple shades of eyeshadow. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I've become kind of obstinate in that only I am allowed to be mean and critical to me. I can be as mean to myself as I want but either you like what you see or you don't! (Please like me.) 

MM: And that's reflected in your makeup, you think? More so than the clothing? Drop the & Other Stories fragrance name!! 

AP: Okay so it was Fig Fiction, which was such an amazing beautiful warm awesome scent! They discontinued it though (the last time I found it I bought three bottles). Now I use Sicilian Sunrise, which is pretty similar! 

I think yes, more reflected in makeup. Simply because I am almost always going to dress in a way that makes me happy (if I've done laundry recently) but I'm not always going to put on makeup, so the makeup should just be closer to what you're gonna see all the time.

MM: Ok, so then the makeup is on. And the T-shirt and peg pants are on. Is it always the chunky black platform boots? Why? Because that's a constant power move IMO.

AP: The chunky black platform boots are truly ideal for many reasons: They're cute, they're sturdy, they subtly make me three inches taller (I need every inch), they'll hold up in rain or snow, and they'll allow me to do some damage to your face if you turn out to be a creep. And (drumroll) I got them on Poshmark for $10.

MM: No!! Do you know the brand?

AP: You're not gonna believe this but H&M. I do not shop at H&M for many reasons and would NEVER buy shoes from there but I took a shot on these because they were secondhand and they've held up impressively well. Almost everything I own was thrifted for financial and sustainability reasons, but these are truly a marvel.

MM: What does that word mean to you, specifically? Sustainability.

AP: Honestly I do not feel qualified to talk about sustainability at all! But to me, it's complicated. I grew up in a lower-class, financially insecure family while most of my friends were wealthy, so my family would either buy clothes secondhand or from a discount store. As a kid, this was really embarrassing to me to not have a closet full of Limited Too or Abercrombie, which obviously feels silly now. I'm still working class and financially insecure, so it's very difficult for me to buy from stores or brands that (at least claim) to ethically produce clothes because they're generally really, really expensive. That's the case for most of this country, including many people who are way worse off than I am. Thrifting is good for me because it allows me to get clothes when I need them at a low cost while also reducing environmental impact, but I don't think it's reasonable to make a judgement call on what any one person "should" be doing in the name of sustainability. Any one person can do whatever is comfortable to them, we can all try within our means! But at the end of the day, the real damage (and real opportunity for impact) is coming from big corporations and the government's actions. I don't think you can truly think about whatever sustainability means if you're getting mad at someone for shopping from a retail chain because it's all they can afford. Okay that was a lot and I have no idea where I was even going with that, sorry! I feel in many ways not educated enough to have feelings about this.

MM: Don't apologize! There's no set definition for the word, it's unique to all of us. And the Limited Too envy was real. 

AP: Omg especially when they had the matching outfits for you and your Build-A-Bear... I wanted it so badly. BIG topic.

MM: I can't believe it's been an hour!! I'll wrap this up so you can get back to your sorbet.

AP: Omg it has, wow!!

MM: Final q: Did your last first date go well?

AP: My last first date ended with plans to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special together. This year we're going to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special together in our new apartment. I'd say it went okay!

MM: AWW. On that exceedingly wholesome note — thank you for chatting!

AP: Of course! My pleasure! 

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Taking Time Part 1

Master List | Part 2

Request:

Could you do a Thor request where the reader is Tony’s sister and Thor and her always had feelings for each other but timing was never right and right after Infinity Wars, everyone goes to regroup and rest, she and Thor find comfort in each other since she doesn’t know where Tony is and he’s lost everyone he love (but her)?

Pairing: Thor X Reader (Though it’s kind of a lot of Tony X Sibling Reader in this half.)

Summary: For years you and Thor have had a tumultuous relationship, to say the least. After the snap, you meet up with what’s left of The Avengers at the compound to not only figure out where the hell your brother, Tony, is but also to lick your wounds. Thor is among them and the two of you finally take the time for one another because if you’ve learned nothing from this nightmare it’s that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. 

Warnings: Nothing in this half.

A/N: So, HUGE thanks to this Anon for the above request. I didn’t expect to be so inspired but I’m off to the damn races already as you can see. This will be a two or three parter I think. But, it’s me. I like to write. Who the fuck knows. Also, mainly because the request kind of demands it and not because I don’t like Jane Foster, this is written assuming that Thor and Jane weren’t ever a couple. 

Tags are open! 

@disagreetoagree @unalive-mee

Slowly everyone started to scream. The sound rose, at first harmonizing before falling into a cacophony. Your own scream was right there, lodged in the back of your throat, refusing to come out and join the chorus. One by one your staff turned to ash around you. Panic.

Outside the windows, Los Angeles was falling apart. The street was blocked with cars and bodies, smoke already rising from the wrecks. People ran en masse out of the office buildings, filling the sidewalks with seas of crazed citizens. Chaos.

“Stop!” you bellow to the ten people running for the doors as you activate the panic switch in your Stark smartwatch. “If you go out there you’ll be caught in that madness, it’s not safe.” The mechanical sounds of doors being sealed echo. Another touch overrides the standard emergency alert message and you address the building.

“Attention this is Y/N Stark: The Stark Foundation Tower is on full lockdown. We have not received word as to what is happening. Please, remain calm and care for the people around you as best you can. If anyone is in need of medical attention send them to the top floor and I will see to them. We will share information as soon as it becomes available. Thank you.”

Your eyes fall to your assistant’s desk, ashes dust the region from where she fell. Without another word, you slam the door of your office and activate the privacy filter on the windows.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., what in the actual fuck is going on?!”

“I don’t know, Ma’am,” the AI’s lilting Irish voice responds. “It seems to be a global event.”

“Christ,” you swallow the scream again. “Get, Tony.”

“I can’t.”

“Excuse me?”

“Mr. Stark cannot be reached, Ma’am.”

“Override whatever bullshit reason he has for not being reached and get my brother on the line F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

“Ma’am, Mr. Stark is not currently on Earth. I am unable to reach him.”

For a second your vision blurs, “Repeat that F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

“Mr. Stark is not currently on the planet Earth. I am unsure of his whereabouts.”

“Is he-“ bile rises. He can’t be.

“No, Ma’am,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. responds, “Not to my knowledge. He was pursuing an alien assailant a day ago, prior to this event, and left the atmosphere.”

“Christ, Tony.” You collapse into your chair. “Where’s Pepper?”

“I have lost all signs of Ms. Potts.”

Now you can’t help it, you lunge for the trash can beside your desk and vomit, “Ha… Happy…”

“I have lost all signs of Mr. Hogan.”

You sit on the floor, lean against your desk, draw your knees up, resting your forehead on them. Suddenly you’re 10 again except even Tony is… “F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

“Yes, Ma’am?”

“Please tell me Rhodey is ok.”

“Sargent Rhodes is showing strong vital signs.”

“Thank fuck. Can you reach him?”

“I will try Ma’am. He is currently in the nation of Wakanda.” What the hell was Rhodey doing in Africa?

“Y/N!” Rhodey’s familiar voice bellows over the comm and you flick his image before you, “Are you ok?!”

“Relatively speaking,” the building has gone eerily quiet. “Where the fuck is my brother Rhodes?!” Rhodey’s face tells you all you need to know. “Fuck,” your head falls back and hits the desk with a thud.

“Where are you?” Rhodey’s tone is full of concern.

“The Foundation offices in L.A.” You look back to his image, “What’s happening?”

“It’s too much to explain. Pepper?” You can only shake your head, “Christ.”

“Why are you in Africa?”

“Again, long story.”

Then you see him behind Rhodey. His hair is short and he looks haggard but you’d recognize him in any condition, Thor.

“Y/N,” his voice is small. “You’re…”

“Alive,” you finish. It’s about all that matters at this moment you imagine.

He nods, “We shall come for you, immediately.”

“Hold up,” the image shifts as Rhodey’s hands rise in protest. “We don’t know what we are going to do just-“

“You can do as you wish but I’m going to go get her now!” This bellows.

Rhodey’s tone is calm, “Now is not the tim-“

“Not the time!?” You swear you hear thunder crack in the background.

“Can you two shut the fuck up!” You yell into the comm. They do and suddenly they’re both back in focus. “Thank you.” Massaging the bridge of your nose you continue. “I am not some damsel for you to come rescue, Thor, I know your intentions are good but Rhodey’s right now isn’t the time. I need to make sure what’s left of my staff is ok and try to get them back with their families…” If they had any left, “Contact me as soon as you know the plan, Rhodey.”

“Will do, kid,” Rhodey says with a stern nod.

“Thor… I’m glad your here,” he doesn’t respond, just skulks off. You’re about to end the transmission when Rhodey pipes up.

“And, Y/N,” his tone is somber, “use the suit.”

[Six months before the snap.]

Tony’s image pops up over your desk without warning, startling you. He's lounging back in an office chair eating an apple. “How’d you like your birthday present?”

You roll your eyes, “The Porsche is lovely Tony, but kind of unnecessary. Now if you don’t mind,” you raise your hand to end his intrusive call.

“Porsche? Oh, Pepper must have done that. How coudl she think I’d forget my favorite sister’s birthday.” Your annoyance is peaking. You were 37, not 17 (one of the many birthdays he did, in fact, forget if your memory serves, and it unfailingly does), and you had work to do.

“Tony, unlike you I like to do productive things with my time, wha-“

“I’m productive,” he sits up in his chair.

“You’re retired, what? At least twice over and you tinker on overpriced hobbies.”

“That cuts deep, sis.”

“I’m sure.” Suddenly your door flings open and one of Tony’s drones is hovering in your office.

Jade, your assistant, is behind it staring in horror, “I’m so sorry Ms. Stark! I did-“

“It’s fine, Jade, not your fault. And, please, call me Y/N.”

“Yes. Ok, sorry Ms… I mean, Y/N,” with that she closes the door and the drone gently places what looks like a watch box on your desk.

“She’s new.”

“She’s young and you’re engaged are you not?”

“I only said she was new,” Tony retorts.

“Mhm,” you roll your eyes and pick up the box. “This is a little elaborate for a watch, Ton.” Though the biometric scanner on top tells you this is something else.

“Just open it, Y/N.”

You do. Inside are a Stark smartwatch and a matching bangle. Both appear to be rose gold, a trend you’re begrudgingly loving, and you have to admit they are rather gorgeous. “Oh,” you lift the watch, “My current one is working perfectly, Tony.” You still slip off the old one and attach the new one to your wrist.

“Put the bracelet on your right.” Tony is staring intently and you’re sure he’s up to something.

You do, “Ok…” you’re nervous.

“Show her F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

There’s a zinging and suddenly tiny rose gold and matte grey scales are sliding up your arms. In seconds you’re engulfed in armor, the helmet snapping over your head before you can protest.

“Voila!” Tony exclaims, his smug tone ringing inside your helmet. The screen clears and you can see his image, still hovering over your desk.

“Really, Tony?” You don’t even attempt to hide how annoyed you are. “We talked about this.”

“No, you, talked, Y/N. I simply pretended to listen.”

You sigh, “I don’t need this.” The helmet retracts, seemingly reading your thoughts.

“Neat huh?” Your brother looks like a proud child and not a man pushing 50.

“Yeah, sure, it’s neat.” The suit continues to retract. “But again-“

“Just wear the fucking set, please,” a shadow flits across his eyes.

Your eyes narrow, “Tony…”

“I… I just like the thought that you’re protected. You didn’t like any of the other styles so I’ve been working on this nanotech so you can have something… unobtrusive.” He shoots from his chair and paces. You know better than to interrupt and cross your arms waiting for him to find his way to the real point.

Finally, he makes his way back to his seat and slumps into it. “Ever since Pep and I got engaged I’ve been thinking about family… Actually since…” You knew where he was going. Since the situation with The Accords, since you two had it out over his stance on The Winter Soldier, since you told him he was wrong. You two had hardly spoken.  

Your eyes meet through the camera. He looks like that lost 21 year old suddenly. The one who not only lost his parents but had to become one in the course of a night. “I know I haven’t always done right by you, Y/N. I know I was never… what you needed me to be-“

“Tony-“

“Let me talk,” he holds up a hand. “And after the last few years, all this chaos… I just I know what’s important and I need to protect it.”

“I appreciate that,” and you do but… “How, exactly, does this help?” You hold up your wrists. Your brother, though you loved him, had a tendency of throwing money at his problems rather than actually dealing with them. Once again, this felt like that.

He smiles a bit, “Now we can meet up whenever we want, screw waiting on planes!” Your eyes roll and your head falls into your hands and you groan. “I’ll sleep better at night knowing you can protect yourself against almost anything.” You look up at your brother. “Hopefully, you never have to use it… but please… for me…”

“Fine,” you sigh. “At least you got the color right.”

“Actually that was me,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. chimes in.

You both laugh. “Plus I can’t let you watch my future spawn if you don’t have your own suit. Ok, love ya sis byeeee!” And with that, he rings off.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. is Pepper pregnant?!”

“No, Ma’am.”

You shake your head, your brother was ridiculous.

[Present day.]

Your finger runs along the band of the watch. “F.R.I.D.A.Y. how many Stark Foundation employees are left in the building?”

“Fourteen, Ma’am.”

“Are they all on this floor?”

“Yes.”

“Is there any news on what’s happened?”

“No Ma’am.”

“Ok,” you sigh and pick yourself off the floor. There was no sense in sitting here. People needed help. Your people needed help. The rest you’d sort later.

The next three days speed by in a blur. Every single one of your remaining employees had lost someone dear to them, it was terrible but you’d managed to get them to their homes safe and ensured them they would continue to be provided for indefinitely.

The bottom floors of the tower you owned in downtown L.A. were being used as temporary housing. People were flooding into the metro areas as some towns had lost half or more of their population and couldn’t function. Five of your employees had offered to run the shelter. You’d only used the suit once, even then it was just to clear some of the immobilized cars from the roads so service vehicles could pass.  

Finally, the call from Rhodey came, “How’re you holding up kid?”

This endearment used to rankle but now that 40 was fast approaching you kind of liked it, “Ok. Have you heard from him?” You hate how your voice rose, hate how desperate it sounds.

“No, Y/N… I’m sorry…” you both stay silent for a minute, knowing that this may mean you never will. “We’re heading to the compound. Can you meet us there?”

Clearing your throat, “Yeah.”

“See ya soon, kid.”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. think you can help me get this thing to the compound?” You’d flown short distances in some of Tony’s other suits but never this one and never so far.

“Of course, Ma’am.” The suit wound its way across your body, “Whenever you’re ready.”

There wasn’t any point in packing. You had clothes at the compound and you could get whatever you needed later. Strolling out to your penthouse balcony you take a breath, “Let’s go.” With that, your helmet covers your face and you’re off.

It only takes you about three hours to get to the compound. This included a stop atop the Rocky mountains just because you could. The sun is just beginning to set as your feet touch the ground.

“No one is here yet, Ma’am, and the rest of the staff was sent away per protocol” F.R.I.D.A.Y. informs you thought you already assumed as much, “All is secure.”

“Thanks, F.R.I.D.A.Y.” The suit slides back into its housing, “Can you have all the schematics for the nanotech up in Tony’s lab? I want to look at it later.”

“Of course, Ma’am.” Everyone knew Tony as the tech genius and you were the philanthropist but you’d also gone to M.I.T. and knew your way around advanced technology like any self respecting member of the Stark family.

“Oh, and F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Since we’re going to be chatting more can you please call me, Y/N?”

“You got it, Y/N.”

“Thanks.”

The silence in the well lit common space is oppressive. You run your hand along the back of the couch and your mind wanders back to the last time you were here. After your brother had returned home from his fight with Steve.

Tony had been adamant that he was in the right.

[Flashback: Just after Tony returns from Russia.]

“He. Fucking. Killed. Them. Y/N!” He’d screamed in your face.

“From what I’ve heard he wasn’t given a choice, Tony! You can’t kill someone over-“

“I didn’t!”

“No, you said you wanted to. And like a petulant child you just couldn’t reel in your fucking emotions and look at the situation with a level head!” He’d been silent for a few minutes.

“Fuck it. Here,” with a flick of his hand, the TV lit up with a grainy video feed.

A car, a crash. Every part of you wanted to look away knowing somehow what this was.

Your mother’s voice crying out, “Howard!”

“Fuck you, Tony.”

“Still think he deserved mercy?”

“Fuck. You. Tony,” you turn to leave and he grabs your arm.

A gunshot echoes, “Still think I’m a petulant child?!”

You rip your arm from him and growl, “Yes.”

“Wow,” he released you. “I mean really… just wow.” He points to the screen, “Our fucking parents, and you think the man who killed them is just some innocent lamb. I thought you’d-”

You pick up the vase next to you and hurl it at the TV before the video loops, the screen splinters. He stares at you, unfazed. “If you say ‘be happy’ I swear to fuck I will never speak to you again.” You’re shaking, “Killing him wouldn’t have brought them back. It wouldn’t have made anything better. But maybe if you had taken a few seconds to think about someone else’s emotional well being you could have saved your friendship, saved your team!”

You take a few steps away trying to calm down and failing. “But no!” You’re screaming at this point, “You can never look past your own fucking pain can you?!”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

Tears prick the back of your eyes, “I was TEN, Tony! That night you just so lovingly showed me? Ten fucking years old. You had 21 years with them, a whole childhood! I had ten fucking years. Then all I was left with was you and Jarvis, he was gone two years later and what do you do?! You send me off to boarding school because I was in the way of your good fucking time!”

Your whole body is shaking, “I can count on both hands the number of times we’ve talked about them in 25 years, Tony. Because you couldn’t dare to feel some pain on my account because I can’t remember them like you can.” The tears finally spill over, silent and almost as hot at your rage, “I can hardly remember what her voice sounds like most days so thanks so fucking much for making me hear that you selfish piece of shit.” You wipe your tears. “Fucking rot alone with your fancy suits for all I care. I’m out.”

[Present Day]

The memory makes you shake. It took almost a year for Tony to speak to you. He had never fully conceded that you were right, that if he had thought things through maybe that terrible situation could have ended better. He had, however, admitted he regretted the way he handled things with you, how you’d grown up. He had been trying to make more of an effort. He had apologized for showing you the video.

Now… if he was gone. The thought takes the wind from you and you collapse into one of the armchairs. If he was gone, you had spent the last two years in flux because neither of you could keep your emotions in check.

Money, you thought, can buy happiness but it sure as shit can’t buy emotional stability.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

“Yes, Y/N?”

“Can you tell me how far out they are?”

“Two hours.” Perfect. Enough time for a shower.

You’re wrapping your long brown hair in a towel when F.R.I.D.A.Y. pops up, “The Quinjet is 10 minutes from landing.”

Not caring you toss your hair into a messy bun, slip into one of your brother's tees and a pair of skinny jeans. The watch and bracelet hadn’t left your wrists.

You hadn’t thought to ask Rhodey who all was coming, who had made it… You guessed you’d find out soon enough as you make your way to the landing pad.

The jet settles and the bay door opens. Rhodey rushes out and crushes you in a hug. You don’t fight him. James Rhodes had been like family for most of your life. And as it stood he was the only family you had left. Tears pricked at the back of your eyes but you refused to let them fall.

He holds you at arm’s length, his own eyes glassy, “I’m so glad you’re ok, kid.”

You rub his graying hair, “I’m glad you’re ok too old man.” He chuckles and you look past him fully expecting to see Thor. Instead, “Banner?!”

“Hey, yeah,” Bruce waves awkwardly.

Nat smiles at you, “Thor isn’t here.”

“I’m happy to see you too ya know,” and the two of you embrace.

“He said he was taking the long way, whatever the hell that means.” You look around for the source of the unfamiliar voice. Someone clears their throat and you look down.

For a second you just stare. “… is the emotional trauma and decades of substance abuse finally catching up with me…”

“Not yet,” Rhodey answers.

“But if you’ve got any additional substances to abuse laying around I could use some,” the fucking talking raccoon says.

“His name is, Rocket,” Steve says stepping down.

“Good to meet you,” you nod, suddenly not worried about the fact that everyone is acting like this is a totally normal thing. “Steve,” you smile, genuinely happy to see your friend.

“Y/N,” he draws you into a hug. The look you both exchange says you know that a long conversation will happen later.

There’s a crack of thunder. A flash. And with all the subtlety of a crashing freight train, Thor lands just outside the concrete pad. For a moment you’re genuinely annoyed at both his overdramatic choice of entry and your heart for rising into your throat at seeing him.

His eyes meet yours. They're so sad, and tired, his shoulders slump. Suddenly you know something is terribly wrong. All social niceties are thrown to the wind, you rush him. He meets you half way and lifts you into his arms burying his face in your neck.

He trembles against you and you realize he’s softly crying, “Thor?”

He looks at you, eyes blue pools, “I thought I’d lost everything. But here you are.”

[botanyshitposts]

What's your undergrad major? What are the future careers you're interested in?

like many universities, mine has conglomerated the botany program and the zoology program into one biology degree. so my technical degree is biology, but i’ll be obtaining that degree through only plant classes. 

as for jobs, i have two main paths ive been considering taking: 

1. professor. i love plant education and i love teaching it, and i’d be able to research, too. 

2. working for the USDA. as much as i love the idea of academia, it seems a little hectic for me and i’d be afraid i wouldnt be able to keep up. it would be nice to have a 9 to 5 job working with plants on a salary, you know? i might not even have to go to grad school with this, which sounds….weird. 

like on one hand, i love learning and i cant imagine just like….not continuing to learn, you know? like obs you can learn and not go to grad school, but yeah. on the other hand, money right away? a stable job, and then i can pursue my hobby- writing- on the side more seriously? grad school sounds like hell, but i’m also drawn to it, but also i honestly don’t consider myself good at the whole like, quantitative analysis thing and you need that to be like, a real scientist. 

if i’m going to grad school, i need to find a mentor. i haven’t been able to find one yet- so far both of my attempts to join a lab fell through because my mentors either didn’t have the time or the incentive to connect with me. my mom kinda wants me to switch colleges, tbh- she doesn’t think that my current uni is doing enough for me- but idk man, a lot of these people are busy, etc etc, i just don’t really think it’s all their fault. also, i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have some learning to do in how to handle business relationships and stuff. i’m 19. i can’t tell if it’s my fault, their fault, or both our faults, and most of all i’m still without a mentor. 

honestly if i could pick a career in botany and know that i couldn’t fail, i would write about it. like, just write books on botany for a living. 

i think i would start with a book like this blog, but giving the basics of the field, if that makes sense? i get a lot of asks about how to get into botany, and tbh i’m not even sure how i did it. there’s no good, accessible guide out there giving a sampling of all the major frontiers in botany (plant systematics, plant taxonomy, plant anatomy, biogeography, ecology, plant ontology….all those big factions. there’s a misconception that botany starts solely with memorizing plants, and i thought that too, but that’s not necessarily true. there are a lot of different things that comprise botany as a field), the major problems, the basic concepts in each subfield just to get you started, a very quick and general tour of the major plant families, etc presented in a way that gives you a lot to think about and a real base to start on. if i was gonna write it, i’d name it either ‘vulgar botany’ or ‘plants are cool and you should like them’. 

ive been thinking about writing it for like, a year now, but it also should be noted that i’m literally taking my first formal botany class this fall lmao, so i’m not sure if i’d be able to do it all real, accurate justice. like damn man i don’t know shit yet, i’ve got no business writing a book. 

on the other hand i have some simple experiments i’ve been thinking of just like…packing up and doing myself without any lab support. i’m talking like, two page final paper type experiments. might totally be trash but i’m like….dying to know dude. it’s one of those things where i would probably need someone to run it past before i even attempt to publish it in a small newsletter or journal, if i’m successful at all, because again- i dont know shit, just what i’ve picked up in the four/five years since i started absorbing botany knowledge + two courses of college level entry bio, one course in college plant pathology, and one course in college lichen and bryophyte diversity. 

[dxmedstudent]

Heya hope you’re doing well! For the end of year asks, 1 and 24?

I’m doing OK! I keep forgetting to post this, or adding onto it. But I don’t want it to be lost whenever my browser next crashes. So, let’s post this!@meanwhileonwednesday also asked me to answer them all, so I’m gonna combine both.

1) what did you learn about yourself this year?

I learned a lot about myself. I underwent some careers counselling, which has been an itneresting ride, and given me lots of tools to reflect on what I want out of work. It’s hard, because I realised that I (and probably all of us) tolerate so many working conditions that I don’t inherently like or flourish under. I like to take my time on one problem at a time; in medicine you’re being constantly interrupted by like 10 different people who then remind you multiple times about the thing you were doing til someone else interrupted you, and constantly re-jigging your to-do list to accommodate changes in urgency. I realised I like to make people feel better even more than I like to ‘fix’ things. I realised that the reality of what work in a busy hospital is like completely colours my perception of specialties; I can’t unsee the kinds of shifts I’ve had to work. It gave me a lot of food for thought, and I hope it helps me pick something I’m happy with. And having started dating again towards the end of the year, I’ve had to think a lot about who I really am, and what I really want or need. It’s not easy shining an honest light on yourself; what you realise isn’t always flattering (I don’t often spend enough time doing non-work related things, and I’m too much of an introvert for most people, probably). But this allows you to be honest about what would make you happy; for example, I’d hever chase some guy who loves to go clubbing on a regular basis, because we’d be spending every evening apart.

2) best moment of the year?

I don’t know. There were lots of litle modest ‘best moments’, but I’m not sure I can thing of any one big thing.

3) worst moment of the year?

Burnout Time wasn’t a moment, but it wasn’t a good time in general. I’m going to vote it number 1. Though it has some stiff competition. I’ll stick to just one, because nobody wants to read a long list of sad things.

4) what was the biggest change you experienced this year?

I realised that I wouldn’t let training and medicine destroy me. Not that I planned to before, but there’s a lot of fear and anxiety at every stage of the game in medicine. You spend med school anxious in case they kick you out. You spend foundation training anxious in case you kill someone or they kick you out. Then you finish that part of your training, and start the next and its... more of the same? And when you struggle and feel bad, so often your first thought isn’t “I feel horrible, this is bad for me and I need help” but “as long as I am functional at work, then it’s OK as long as they don’t kick me out”. But that doesn’t help you get better, it only piles more pressure on you when you need help. It turns out that I discovered they don’t kick you out of training as easily as my darkest thoughts imagined.  But it made me realise I could never let this job destroy me; there is so much to live for and enjoy outside of medicine. There are so many other ways to be happy.

5) best song of the year?

Aah I’ve listened to so many songs over the course of a year, how could you pick one. I’d blatantly favour the ones I obsessed over most recently. Hmm. I listened to Vitali’s Chaconne on a loop when revising, so let’s go with that. 

6) best album of the year?

I rarely listen to entire albums, because I tend to discover songs randomly and individually. But I loved that my friend and I discovered we both loved Indila’s music really randomly.

7) what’s one thing that happened this year that you want to change?

Towards the end of the year, I had to take a break from making and posting comics. Between burnout and work things, I just didn’t have the time, energy or inspiration to give it what it needed. I hope to get back into it this year; I really miss making my comic.

8) best book/book series of the year?

I’m gonna vote Good Omens. I know people joke about something curing their depression. But yeah, it sort of did with me. It made me see the light at a difficult time, and despite all the stress and sadness and numbness I was going through, it made me laugh and feel joy and appreciate what words could do again. It rekindled a light that had burned very low, and I’m forever grateful for that; it holds a special place in my heart now.

9) best television series?

Hard for me to pick one. I’m watching The Dragon Prince right now, and it’s great! Reminds me of ATLA in the best ways. Honourable mention to Cells at Work for combining three of my interests (medicine, anime and cute things) into one.

10) how was your love life this year?

I actually bothered to try to have one! Only toward the end of the year, though, so we’re on baby steps right now. I’ve talked to and met a few interesting people, even ones that I couldn’t pursue anything further with. I’ve also read like a million really bad profiles, had  way too many half-assed messages and conversations.

I hate the initial bit, where you should try to be yourself and need to be open and vulnerable to really getting to know people, but equally people can just drop out of talking with you or dating you just like that. It’s something much easier to do when you meet online and don’t know each other than when you meet at uni, and I certainly seem to see it a lot more now in online dating than meeting people IRL. Where you get dumped or dump someone but you at least have s a sense of completion. I don’t like how easily the mind wanders over to ‘damn it, he’s ghosted me’ If someone doesn’t reply for a few days, but then again, the fact that lots of people do just ghost doesn’t help that.Still, I remind myself that there’s no use worrying about it; if someone will dump you or isn’t right for you, then there’s nothing you can do to change it.

There are some nice people out there, and I’m interested to see where it goes. Hopefully without too much anxiety, preoccupation or heartbreak on the way; that was one part of dating that I absolutely did not miss in my single carefree years.

11) what made you cry the most this year?

I find it hard to quantify what made me cry the most; I had a lot of tough times. 

Actually, no, on second thought, I think I know what made me cry the most; PMS. Hands-down the winner. What a menace; it’s a real pain. Would not recommend PMS as an experience to those of you unfamiliar with it.

12) biggest regret of the year?

I try not to look back and regret things. I don’t want to say I regret burning out, because frankly that isn’t a choice I made, so I don’t feel bad about it. It’s unfortunate that it’s made my life a bit more complicated, but it’s manageable. So I try not to dwell on that or regret it.

I feel sad that I put my comic on hiatus, because I managed to balance it through so many tough times, so pausing kind of felt like admitting defeat, or losing a part of myself. But it needed to be done.

13) best movie of the year?

It’s late and I actually can’t even remember which movies I saw this year. I think I saw Mary and the Witch’s Flower in this past year, so I’m going to go with that. Because I’m really excited to see where Studio Ponoc takes things, and if they will carry on a Ghibli-ish legacy or do something new.

14) favourite place you travelled this year?

I went to Poland, twice. It was great! I’m slowly trying to get around all the European capitals, and it’s really nice to learn more about the places you go. I never feel like I’ve seen everything there is to see, which I guess is motivation to come back another time...

15) did you make any new friends?

Always. Yep, the benefit of moving to new jobs on a regular basis means that you get to meet new people, a lot. I’ve seen one of my FY1s develop into a great SHO and become a good friend. I’m so proud of them.

And hey, always making new friends here! I love our community, and whilst I can’t remember exactly when I befriended most of you (or got befriended), I am truly glad that I have.

16) did you learn anything about your sexuality this year?

Yep, I don’t think you ever stop learning. I’m looking forward to always finding out more. I don’t feel the need to share it, though :P Some things are better left private.

17) what are some hobbies that you developed?

Most of my hobbies are the same as they always were. However, I feel that I have played a lot of new board games, I continued to D&D without being an utter disaster, and now feel uh, sort of actually competent at this sort of thing.  And I have collected some awesome dice.

18)what surprised you the most this year?

We’re still doing this Brexit thing. I don’t know; I’m not sure politics can surprise me much anymore. It’s still free to disappoint, though. Actually, a few patients survived who I didn’t expect. And some people died suddenly that we didn’t expect to pass at that point. So medicine is always surprising.

19) do you look different from the beginning of the year?

I have more grey hair. Like a LOT. My hair evidently plans to go silver way before I would have expected to. At this rate, I won’t make it to 40 with any brown hair left! My hair is almost waist length so it hasn’t changed all that much apart from the fact that it really wants me to cosplay white haired anime characters.

20) how did this year treat you in general?

People died. People got sick. People in my personal life, not patients, that is. It’s harder to deal with it when it’s not at work; when it’s people you know and care about.  My parents had multiple procedures or surgeries. I sort of burned out at one point and vaguely considered if the path I am on is for me. I did a bit of soul-searching to try to work out what I really want, and what I really need. I’m still not sure I understand, but I’m getting closer.

21) what message would you give yourself at the beginning of the year?

You’ll live. It’s OK, it’ll work out, and you’ll get through it, like you always do.

22) has your fashion style changed this year?

Not really. I have too many clothes (mostly for work, if I’m honest) so I didn’t buy many this year. I definitely need to sell or give away some of the ones that just aren’t ‘me’ any more, though. I sometimes hold on to clothes for a long time, but in the end when it doesn’t feel right dressing like I did say, 10 years ago, then I feel the need to revamp my wardrobe.

23) one of the best meals you’ve had this year?

My mum randomly started making my favourite food more often, and I’m really happy! I keep asking her if there’s some kind of ulterior motive XD

24) who has made the biggest impact in your life this year?

Hmmm it’s really tough to think of any one particular person. Some of the stronger experiences with people were negative, but I refuse to dwell on them or name them; to single them out gives them a power and importance they don’t deserve. So instead I’d just have to say my network of friends and family, for keeping me going’ they have done a lot for me this year. Lots of little and big things that make me feel so loved and cared for. 

25) what’s one thing that you hope will continue next year?

I will keep trying to do my best, and keep trying to look at the bigger picture. I’ll keep working on not letting medicine take over my life. I’ll keep trying to be a better doctor. I’ll keep making time for friends and family. I’ll keep trying my best to meet new people, and not let the times it didn’t work out get me down.

[synshubblog]

⁈ for sinday after a long absence with MD

@ursusxarctos I don’t know whether this is just a prompt or a starter, so I’ll leave it kinda open and you can decide from there.

An unfortunate downside to Dagon’s choice of lifestyle meant that there were always going to be random periods of activity in his life. Sure you could plan a crime, but starting to plan things was pretty random in terms of when they began. Someone wants to rob a bank and you’re the backup? It’s not like an end of the week deal, sometimes it’s happening in just a couple hours.

Point is, those involved learned to go with the flow fast and not make any long term plans. Or inform others of them well in advance. 

Harmony had found out the hard way that a relationship with Dagon was a difficult thing in many ways.

It had been nine whole months since they’d last seen each other. Since the last words he said to her were, “Work’s getting busy. Can’t talk while the job is going so I’ll see you when it’s done.” They’d had sex one last time, and he was gone before she woke the next day. 

Really it shouldn’t have bothered her as much as it did. They weren’t a couple, not per se anyway, and there was nothing saying they couldn’t hook up with others outside of their little deal. It wasn’t like their lives went on halt while they were apart. She continued her work as a nurse, she pursued her hobbies, she did what she needed to pass the time.

Then came the phone call from a number she didn’t recognize. If she hadn’t remembered his penchant for burner phones, she might not have answered. Sure enough, it was Dagon on the other end. He was back at that gym where they first met, said he needed some place quiet for now. The door was unlocked and she was free to come if she wanted.

She was already rushing out the door once he’d said where she was.

The gym was same as ever, and the doors had been picked open as promised. Finding Dagon was easy, he was back in the ring. She hopped over the ropes to see him but stopped at the sight, seeing Dagon’s bare chest covered in numerous bandages. He simply waved at her even as he looked like he’d just been through hell.

“Hey babe. Miss me that much?”

She did, but she wasn’t going to tell him that.

“You look like shit.” He just laughed. That he did.

They just sat there in the ring, talking about what they did in their time apart. Dagon left out some details though, couldn’t risk Har being arrested for knowing about crimes. But it was nice to catch up like this. They chatted for an hour or so before he stood to his feet, saying they should get going before they overstay their welcome. 

She stopped him though with a hand on his arm, saying that she didn’t feel like waiting that long. He clued in quick, a grin crossing his face. A repeat of their first time sounded like a lovely thing. 

Clothing was quickly discarded, and this time Dagon was on his back in the ring while Har was atop him. She was the nurse after all, if she said that he shouldn’t exacerbate all those wounds he’d gotten then he wasn’t going to argue. He’d thumbed through a medical text a few times, she’d probably gotten the damn thing memorized. 

And yeah sex wasn’t the best idea while he was so fucked up but neither of them wanted to point that out.

They both wanted to just sink into the moment and go wild, but there would be time for that later. For now he let her set the pace, keeping his hands on her sides as she steadily rode his cock. It was a good thing his legs weren’t hurt or he’d be wincing every time their hips met.

But oh was she beautiful like this. Hair swaying with each movement, her breasts bouncing like a cliche anime, eyes closed as soft moans spilled past her lips, another Kodak moment for sure. But it was missing that extra element of him to it, so he pulled her down atop him. Sure she and his chest protested at the new weight but he shut her up at least with a strong kiss. 

Much nicer.

His hands moved to her rear while he took over for her, thrusting in her with greater speed and force now. She moaned into his mouth, wrapping her arms around his neck as their climaxes neared. A long overdue sensation for the both of them.

Finally feeling his body burst a well-aged load inside her, he felt her really sink into his body as the exhaustion of the moment caught up to them. Sure his ribs were basically on fire but who cared? It was a moment he didn’t want to interrupt.

Or at least for a few minutes until his arousal returned.

[firesofdainix]

I Learn to Live Half-Alive

AO3 Version

PREQUEL: LONG ROAD to SUCCESS

Everyone emerging from the simulation, all changed. And they hate it.

the former ultimate adventurer celebrates the day he dies.

Amami is happy that he dies the first in the game.

Rantaro remembered the time he was in love with Danganronpa. But that was a long time ago, before he goes in that virtual world. He hates it in there. Despair crawling on his back, and hoping it'd end soon. And it honestly did, after Chapter 6 of the fifty-second game. No, that wasn't the end. Since the Danganronpa fans 'loved' him so much, Team Danganronpa decided to bring him back to the virtual world. To bring him back to the place he hates so much.

Tsumugi Shirogane.

He knows she's the mastermind of v3, but of course, his avatar from the virtual world didn't know that, and ended up getting killed. And he enjoyed it.

Rantaro can't wait to just go back to the world where he was friends with Angie, Maki, Himiko, Shuichi, and, of course, Kokichi. Rantaro knows Kokichi loves him, and the feeling is mutual. Even confessed his love to him before the boy gets into the audition. He just wished he spent more time with the boy before they go inside the virtual world. But seeing each other was prohibited.

Rantaro is escorted out of the simulation room. The hallways, corridors, and doors were all familiar to him, because he's already been in here before. A Chapter One victim, huh? Very ironic, since in this season, he's the Ultimate Survivor, replacing his old Ultimate Adventurer talent. He can't help a smile creep up his face because he is already free from the hands of Danganronpa. He must be assuming all his fans are in an uproar because he was killed of so early in the game. But, you can't satisfy audiences with anything.

Before he goes home, he has to rest for some time in the Waiting Area. His father never cares about him, and only cares about his reputation. He sighs, knowing it can't be helped if his father has no interest in him. And Rantaro has no interest in keeping the Amami Family's name. Just give it to one of his sisters or something.

"You're Rantaro Amami, right?", a soft voice in front of him asks. He nods and looks up, seeing a face he never seen in real life ever: Kyoko Kirigiri.

"K-Kirigiri?", he says in disbelief. Why is a fictional character standing in front of him? Is he going mental?

"I see you don't believe me being alive", Kyoko says, sitting down next to Rantaro, who scoots away, with confusion in his eyes. "Don't worry. Eleven years ago, along with the Super Danganronpa Two cast, we were also in the virtual world."

"So... does that mean...?"

"Every Danganronpa show is from the virtual world." Kyoko sighs. "And we still carry the burden of being in those games."

"Um, not to be nosy, why are you here?", Rantaro asks.

Kyoko looks at a black television screen with sad eyes. "My daughter... is participating in that show."

Rantaro blinks. "May I ask... who is it?"

"Kaede", Kyoko replies, looking at her gloved hands.

Rantaro tilts his head. Kyoko, the first Ultimate Detective in the very first show of Danganronpa, is the mother of Kaede? This doesn't make any sense at all. First, he meets a character that is not fictional, and now, they're related to someone he hates? He has to get a grip of himself.

"May I ask who her father is?", Rantaro asks.

"Oh, I just adopted Kaede and her twin, along with Celeste."

And... she's married to Celeste. Rantaro sighs, and slouches on the chair he's sitting in.

"Who killed you?", Kyoko asks bluntly.

"The mastermind", Rantaro replies, feeling a little uncomfortable on talking about how his avatar died.

"Oh, then the mystery will be solved", Kyoko says.

Rantaro shakes his head. "No, knowing Tsumugi... she can frame someone anytime. But don't worry, the trials won't start until the next day."

Kyoko looks at him with something called... worry. "You've been in there... for two days."

Wait. Rantaro looks at his hands. They look to be a sickly pale color. And it looks skinny too.

"But... doesn't Team Danganronpa give them breaks?"

Kyoko shakes her head. "Sadly, not anymore. The fans wanted none stop Danganronpa v3."

That's... messed up. The reason why Team Danganronpa provided breaks is to (somehow) regain their sanity and make themselves comfortable with how they're living now. After all, they will gain their many riches in life. But remembering the traumatizing events in the simulation, and bringing it to the real world was making him mentally unstable, to the point of trying to kill someone before it was time to go back to the world of madness.

Without those breaks, each and every single one of those people in the simulation will be mentally unstable, to the point of attacking people in variety of ways. It made Rantaro mad because Team Danganronpa are filling their fans in for what they wanted, rather than what the participants want. He grits his teeth, controlling the anger inside him.

"Will Kaede be okay?", Kyoko says to herself.

Rantaro hates Kaede for being a bitch in the real world. Blackmailing people is her best hobby. Maybe she's the one who convinced Kokichi to go audition for Danganronpa. But in the actual show, she's a very positive, kind and caring students. He can feel his feelings mixing because of Kaede in that simulation.

"I think so..."

"If she comes back, I'll give her a scolding", Kyoko says. "But, you don't need to know that."

Rantaro nods. "Hey, don't you and Kaede have different surnames though?"

Instead of telling him to mind his own business, the purple woman just shrugs. "I told her she can pick any name... Anyway, as much as I like to tell you more, but I need to go to work. There is no point in watching their investigation if the television screen is black."

With only one wave of her hand, she dismisses their conversations. Her virtual self and real self are almost the same, except this Kyoko is a bit more open into sharing her experience while the virtual Kyoko doesn't. Maybe that's why he likes Kyoko when he watched Danganronpa for the first time. That hint of hype in the many shows of it made Rantaro love Danganronpa. But his favorite Danganronpa show was Super Danganronpa 2.

Well, it used to be, now he just can't seem to like Danganronpa anymore. It's really weird how people are changed so easily after discovering the dark side of everything you love. Like, becoming infatuated with this one person, but when they reveal their true colors, your affection for them lowers, until you have nothing to feel anymore. That's what Rantaro feels.

"You're giving up that easily?", a voice in his mind says. He looks around. The Waiting Area was empty. Maybe he's just hearing things. And he is.

"Hey, at least you'd still get the money", the voice speaks again.

Rantaro just lowers his head, ignoring his inner subconscious speaking inside of him. There's no way of refuting some imaginary voice inside his head. Until Team Danganronpa gives him therapy. But their only therapy is Tsumugi, and, as Rantaro recalled his therapy lessons with her, they were all pieces of shit, with her acting like nothing happened. The real therapist who pursued him was Keebo. Yet, he's also participating in Danganronpa, because he wants to be with his sister or some bullshit like that.

Apparently, they still haven't called his family, which was nice. He doesn't want to get back home yet. Hey, at least he has tons of cash he'll give to his family once he gets back. He doesn't really know what time it is, but he knows his been sitting in the Waiting Area for hours, until one of the Team Danganronpa staff comes in.

"Mr. Amami", she says politely. "It's time for your dinner."

Rantaro nods, and stands up, his legs shaking a little since he hadn't used it other than doing movements. It's nighttime already. Does this mean the trial is over? If so, who did Tsumugi frame?

"Excuse me, but is the first class trial done?", he asks the Danganronpa staff. She nods.

"Yes, but she needs some rest after her execution", she replies as they walk to the dining hall.

She. It must be a girl whom Tsumugi framed, then. But he wonders who it could be until he and the staff finally reaches the dining hall.

Rantaro realized he hadn't eaten for two days, so his stomach rumbles at the sight of the food on the table. He sits across from the Danganronpa staff, taking as much food as he wants, eyes shining and mouth drooling. When was the last time he ate real food than canned goods at the dark rooms of the building? Oh yeah, Tsumugi's mansion. He can't afford to think of his bad memories now when he starts to eat. He doesn't want to spoil his appetite.

Eating away his problems is basically what he did after the many trials of Danganronpa 52. And he's so damn skinny... he just needs food. That's it.

After getting his stomach full, he returns to the waiting room, to sit again on a seat at the Waiting Area. And no one was around. He sighs. He needs someone to talk to. He scratches the back of his head. He then suddenly remembers his death. He dodges that memory. He doesn't want to think about his death when he's this full.

It all started with the contract. He unwittingly signed it, because he was desperate for fame and attention. He wants to become a champion, someone who will win, someone who will be everyone's fan favorite. He did all this so he can be famous, not thinking of consequences, looking back now, he wouldn't have gone mental if he hadn't signed that contract.

"R-Rantaro?", a sad, yet familiar voice snaps him back to reality. He looks up, to see...

"Kaede?", he says. She looks like she's been crying, but there are still tears streaming down her face.

"I-I thought I was alone here, and y-you left", she says, hesitating to sit down next to him.

"Nah, my parents didn't know I fucking died and some shit."

He pats a chair next to him. "Sit. We have a lot to talk about."

Hesitantly, she sits down next to him. No one says anything for about ten minutes.

"Look, let's cut to the chase, okay?", Rantaro says, seemingly comforting the girl beside him. "You're the one Tsumugi framed to be my killer?"

Kaede looks up to meet Rantaro's eyes. "Yeah... wait, you mean the girl from 52?"

Rantaro nods. "Yes, her. She killed me."

Kaede facepalms. "And I thought I killed you..."

"Meh, your ball missed me."

Kaede's eyes widen. "It missed you? What the fuck?"

"Yeah, thanks to you, I got distracted by it, so Tsumugi can hit me with her own shot put ball."

"O-okay, so it's my fault you got killed?"

Rantaro shrugs. "Eh, kinda. By the way, your mom was here."

Kaede fidgets with her hands. "What? Did you know what she said?"

"Yeah, she missed you. Also, she said that she'll give you a scolding later."

"Well, Kyoko tends to do that. Goddamn, my neck is itchy." She starts to scratch it, then Rantaro catches a glimpse of her neck. It has red scratch marks on it, some obviously a little too deep.

"Death by strangulation?", he says out loud.

Kaede looks back at him, then attempts to hide her scars. She looks down again. "Actually, death by hanging..."

Rantaro fakes a cough. "O-Oh, I see..."

So, Kaede got executed by hanging. Well, this is off to a pretty brutal start, but he hopes the others don't actually get executed like Kaede. But, this is Danganronpa. They'll always get brutally executed, no matter how much you do or don't deserve it. He looks at Kaede, who's scratching her neck again. He wants to tell her to stop, but... she seems to be entranced by scratching her neck. So he minds his own business.

"Ms. Akamatsu, there you are!", a Team Danganronpa staff calls from the front of the Waiting Area. Ms. Kirigiri and Ms. Ludenberg are here to pick you up."

"They're here already...?", Kaede says. The staff nods.

"They were actually watching your... um, your chapter."

Kaede nods. "Tell them I need a minute." The staff nods, and exits the Waiting Area.

"I have to ask you something. You're close friends with Shuichi, right?"

Kaede looks at him with sadness in her eyes. "Y-yeah..."

"How do you feel about him now?"

"I have mixed feelings. Some part of me still thinks he's some kind of pawn, but the other part of me thinks of him as a friend."

Rantaro smiles. It's kinda nice that Danganronpa is giving them a change of heart for how they feel. It's one of those things Danganronpa does to make them confused with feelings. And he absolutely hates feelings. Why does he have to have these conflicting feelings that handle him, that makes him decide what kind of feeling he's supposed to show to anyone.

"Hey, are you gonna be okay being alone here?", Kaede asks him, still scratching her neck.

"I'm always alone", Rantaro replies, and watches her go. It seems like their conversation started a century ago. And he wanted it back. Why isn't his father picking him up yet?

"Excuse me, Mr. Amami?", the Team Danganronpa staff comes back, bearing some kinds of pills and a key. "Since your father is not yet here, you can stay in one of our rooms."

Rantaro yawns. "Okay, lead the way, then."

They walk through twist and turns, his head aching a bit, remembering the Ultimate Academy. Once they reach the room he's going to stay in the night, the staff gives him the key and bows, waiting for him to go inside.

The room is decent, at least for him. Yet it gives off being stuck in the Ultimate Academy. He shudders at the thought, and tries to push it back into his mind. But his dorm in the simulation keeps getting in the way of his train of thoughts. He inhales, then exhales, and goes in the room, closing the door.

He looks at the bed. It's very well-made, and it still reminds him of the school. He needs a good night's sleep. Yeah, just one good sleep, and everything will go away. All of his bad thoughts, his memories of the Danganronpa v3, will all vanish once he goes to sleep.

As his head hits the pillow, he goes to his dreams. But this dreams are not normal dreams. He opens his eyes, to find himself floating on dark water. It must be water, after all, it sounds like one. But... is that a fin, coming to get him?

Rantaro's eyes widen. He paddles as fast as he can, but he can only see darkness. Darkness surrounding everything. He's so confused, he keeps on paddling. But he hears the roaring of a waterfall. And he falls. He falls and falls, falling to darker waters. He looks up, to see nothing but darkness. But he feels like he's floating. Suddenly, he can't breathe. Were is he?

His limbs feel like wood, and he feels strings lifting him, higher, higher. He feels pain, he feels the strings burning his wooden limbs. Then he finally sees the person lifting him up. And it was him, before everything started, before he knew what Danganronpa truly is, before he stopped believing Danganronpa. The other Rantaro smirks.

"You're useless." Then he feels his limbs going slack, the strings around him falling. He looks up to see himself, smiling and laughing as he falls. This was who he is before everything, after all. Of course he's that cruel, a side he never tells anyone.

Rantaro wakes up, cold sweat on his forehead. He looks around. Just ordinary darkness. He's in a blanket. Nothing scary here. He lowers his head. And he thought he can escape his thoughts by going into his dreams. But no, that'll never happen, in his case. He'll always be followed by his bad deeds, his thoughts, everything. He'll never escape them. He'll live with it forever.

NEXT

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #220

“as long as god in heaven dwell, your soul, your soul shall scream in hell.”

Would people consider you more immature or mature? It depends on the context. Emotionally, I think I'm considerably mature. As far as eligibility to be a proper adult goes, yeah. No. Would people consider you more funny or serious? I personally don't think I'm very funny, but I'm not super serious, either. Are you currently in love with someone? Who is this person? So... I'm quietly pondering over whether or not I'm just biromantic, not bisexual. I genuinely think I'm in love with my girlfriend, I do, but we have so, so little actually sexual experience that I don't know if "bisexual" fits me. I totally adore her romantically, I know that, but maybe sexually, I'm not into her? I don't know. It's hard for me to say because when I picture doing certain "things," I can't really tell what I feel. I don't take that as an "I'm not into it" though, considering I've wound up liking things with a guy I didn't think I would with anyone, something I only discovered by doing it. This whole situation was driving me insane a few days ago to the point I felt sick, but I've calmed myself out of it to where I've accepted I just have to wait and learn, being long-distance. I'm still entirely invested in us and am going to be honest learning about myself. I haven't actually talked to Sara about it and don't want to unless I come to learn this hunch has credibility. Which room in your house are you in? What color are the walls? My bedroom; light puke green, Why God. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Who got you interested in it? I don't really know about my "absolute favorite." It depends on my mood, really. I think maybe watching my favorite YouTubers tops the list, something Jason actually started with PewDiePie; or RPing, which I got into myself thanks to Meerkat Manor. Would the people you know say you have a nice singing voice? Barely anyone ever hears me sing, so idk. I personally feel my voice suits only few songs. Would you say most of your friends are older/younger than you? Ummm, good question. All but two are very close in age range, but most of my friends/closer acquaintances are kinda split around either side. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? Nope. Are you listening to music right now? If so, who’s singing the song? Yeah, I'm listening to Khemmis' cover of "A Conversation With Death." It's the intro song to that new game Man of Medan and is so badass. All the comments are like "came here from so-and-so's LP because this is epic" and same. What is your dream career? What inspired you to pursue this career? Probably meerkat biologist if I could handle the heat and was okay with moving, or paleontologist if I wasn't opposed to heavy travel. I love meerkats and dinosaurs v v much. If you have a significant other, do you get jealous of people a lot? No. What would you say is your favorite holiday? Why did you choose this? Halloween bc spooks and costumes and candy. Does it feel odd being around your friend’s parents? Why or why not? If I'm alone with them and don't know them very well, sure? What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Is there one in your city? Sonic, probably. And no, but in our neighboring city. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Is there one in your city? Olive Garden. See above. Do you ever take pictures with family members around the holidays? Mom pretty much forces it, lol... Have you ever thought you were adopted because of opposing interests? Y'ALL not kidding I legit asked my fucking mom if I was adopted in elementary school bc I thought she hated me one day versus my little sister lmfao. I went through a phase of feeling like she couldn't be "this mean" to her legitimate child. Are you more interested in indoor activities or outdoor things? Hm, that depends on the activities available. Most outdoor things are more fun, though. When is the next time you’ll see someone you’re crushing on? We were just talking a couple days ago about our next visit, actually. If I can financially, I'm probably coming up to see her for her birthday again, as that's when I have a decent break from school. Speaking of which, how many people are you crushing on right now? Lol I mean it's been just shy of two years, a "crush" doesn't cut it. Have you ever played Super Mario Bros. for Nintendo DS? Was it fun? No, actually. I didn't grow up playing Mario games. What exactly is your favorite gaming system? Do you have this system? The PS2. It had a giant graphical leap, contains SOOOOO many goodies, and you can still play PS1 games on it. How often do you talk on the phone? Who do you talk with the most? Very very rarely, pretty much only ever with my mom or dad. I hate talking on the phone. Do you normally do what other people around you want you to do? Depends. What does your trick-or-treat bag or pail look like? I don't have one anymore, but it used to be an orange, plastic jack-o-lantern. How old will you turn on your next birthday? 24... wow. What are your plans to celebrate? Probably just go out to dinner with family. What floor do you live on? I only have one floor. Do you have a balcony? No. What is your favorite fall drink, if you had to pick just one? None. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? I've never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? I'm pretty sure I was in my entire school career... Damn dude, proud. Were you a straight A student in math? HA hell no. I could get a C sometimes. Were you abused or do you know anyone who was abused? I wasn't, but I know people. Are you a Democrat or Republican, or neither? Neither. Independent. Who would take care of you if you needed surgery? My mom and dad, as far as bills go. Do you think you have an accent? Not really. Sometimes you can hear it, though. Have you been told you have an accent? Only when I was younger. I had a SERIOUS one. My family in NY couldn't even understand me sometimes, lmao. Where do you live (country or state)? North Carolina. If you could start a church, what would it be like? I wouldn't. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Nah. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Get a goddamn stable job. Do you know what your purpose in life is? Spreading the love and respect of animals and conservation. If you live in an apartment, what is the maintenance man’s name? N/A What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? Hypothetically, if I had/wanted kids, I'd enjoy carving pumpkins with them, obviously taking them trick-or-treating, autumnal crafts would be fun together, and watching Halloween/scary films appropriate to their age would be a nice experience. I'd decorate the house with them. Oh, a hayride would be cool together, I love those. AND DON'T FORGET JUMPING INTO LEAF PILES! I have a lot of ideas for someone who doesn't want to be a mom. Have you ever seen a fox? Yeah. At least one alive, a handful as roadkill. What color are the squirrels where you live? Brown. What do the trees look like where you live? Pine trees. Pine trees. What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? I really enjoyed the trip to Beaufort to an island of wild horses. The water was rough that day, and goddamn... watching the ocean in its aggression was unbelievable. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? UM, DID ANY KID NOT????? Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Gimme a science museum and I'm SOLD. What are three issues you are passionate about? GAY RIGHTS, wildlife and nature conservation, women's rights and the pro-choice argument. What are three countries you have no desire to visit? North Korea, Iraq, and... uh... idk. I guess the Middle East in general. That shit's rough. Do you like your country’s flag? Sure? Stars r dope? Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? NO. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Oh. My. God. When I was on three Klonopin a day (I'm now on just one and don't even take it every day), I literally could not function. There was one day in particular (I was on three very briefly bc of this) where I just slept until evening. I physically could not stay awake. I remember I was in the middle of watching a Game Grumps' Mario playthrough, and I'd only last like, ten minutes before I HAD to lie back down, and I'd fall back asleep in like, a minute. That was one of the most awful days ever, I was miserable. Do you like bath bombs? Sure, they're pretty. Who is your favorite neighbor? I don't actually know any. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? He's not very small, I think he's at about a million and a half subs, but Timmy Timato is so fucking iconic. He is an Actual Mood. I have no interest in what he actually posts; I just watch for him. As well, Johnny Paranormal is cool; he's a fuckin awesome guy and is chill and relaxing to watch. I don't watch him religiously, though. Rarely, actually. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? HAVE U HEARD OF????? THE MARKIPLIER GUY??????? What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? I think it was the Pussycat Dolls, fuck off, don't say shit 2 me "Buttons" is still dope. Do you like Disney movies? Blocked & reported if you don't. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Man idk, I enjoy a lot. I enjoyed The Avengers, and Logan REALLY tugged at my heart. Do you have any credit card debt? I don't have a credit card. Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm? No. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. What’s the longest you’ve worked without a day off? Probably like... two days, lmao. It's not like I have a lot of experience. Have you ever been scammed? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you kissed someone? The airport. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? It's fine. Do you struggle with acne? No, not anymore. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? RP is definitely the "strangest." Have you ever fostered an animal? No. Are you the clubbing type? Definitely not. Never been, not interested. Bar goer? No. I don't trust strangers + alcohol, and I'd be really scared of being hit on. Song you can’t stand? I don't think there's a song I've heard that I hate more than "Welcome To The Machine" by Pink Floyd. Well, correction, "Friday" by Rebecca Black. That autotuned to all fuck voice is just... major ew. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? Jason is. Well, if he looks the same as last time I saw him, which was in 2017. Juan doesn't look half bad. Aaron's cute. What is unattractive about them? Jason: fucking communication skills. Juan: his reckless streak. Aaron: nothing that I know of, he's a sweetie and on a great path. Your hottest ex’s name starts with the letter what? J. Pick two highlighter colors: Yellow, Pink, Blue, Purple, Orange. Pink and orange. Has anyone ever written on you? Who hasn't been written on by friends with markers as a kid? Have you ever dated a fat person? Yes. Have you ever dated someone with a fine ass body? I mean this with total respect and love towards her: Sara's body is genuinely sexy. Her figure is amazing. Have you ever had any article of clothing tailored? What for? Yeah, for prom, as well as my sister's wedding. Do you welcome people back when they say they have returned? Yes. What are two foods you think taste good with whipped cream? I fucking hate whipped cream. How long would it take you to walk to the nearest fire hydrant? I've never paid attention, actually... Do you own anything that has the words or picture of ‘mustache’? Well my Mark tribute tat has the Iconic pink mustache on it, and the texting screen background on my phone is also a pink mustache collage-y thing lmao. When you see a feather on the ground, do you ever pick it up? Yeah, sometimes. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? On a burger. How would you feel marrying the man you love who has already a son? I don't love a man, and I wouldn't marry anyone with a kid. Have you ever played Roller Coaster Tycoon? What did you think of it? No, but I had SeaWorld Tycoon or whatever it was called. I loved that game. When you are chopping onions, does it really affect your eyes personally? I've never cut an onion myself, but when I'm in the proximity of someone doing it, I feel mild irritation. How long can you hold your breath for? Is there anyone who is better? Idk, I don't feel like testing it. When was the last time you had a pet goldfish? What was its name? I couldn't even try to guess. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Do you enjoy mayonnaise with French fries? Why or why not? Um that sounds disgusting. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? Actually, he warned me that he can and he was nervous about me ever seeing it. I, thank Christ, never witnessed it, though. I would've broken the fuck down, I can't handle angry men. What was the topic discussed in the last meeting you attended? I don't know the last time I went to a "meeting." Honestly, when’s the last time you genuinely liked someone? Now. Are you Team Jacob, Team Edward, or you just don’t care? I've never been into Twilight, but I find Jacob way more attractive. Do you like it when questions are long and make you think? Yes. Have you ever had love at first sight happen to you? No. Do you think Avatar is really all that great? I'm assuming you mean the movie and not TLA? I never saw the full thing, but I would love it. Love or trust? Trust, I think. You can't love someone in a healthy fashion if you don't trust them. What do you think about sexting? Not about that personally. That'd be so awkward. Have you ever done it? Those days where RP mating scenes on YouTube were over private message, timeskipping wasn't a thing... oh boy. It WAS uncomfortable. Would you ever swim with dolphins? Yeah! Have you ever believed a stereotype? Probably at some point. Have you ever tried marijuana? No, though tbh I probably would (but not through smoking it) for anxiety and panic attacks if it was legal in my state. Is there any reason you should be in jail right now? Can you go to jail for illegally downloading, or it is just a fine? Idk. Did the house you grew up in have a big yard? I mean, it was decent. What has been the most difficult class you’ve ever taken? Latin. That shit was so hard. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yes, for panic attacks. What’s something that’s much more difficult than a lot of people realize? Heartbreak. Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you? Yes, but Mom played a larger role. Did any of the classes you took in high school count towards uni credit? No. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair. Do you plan outfits? "Not unless it’s a special occasion." <<< Are your parents strict? No. Would you go sky diving? Probably not. I'm afraid of heights, and I'd be really scared the parachute wouldn't deploy. Who sits behind you in your math class? Quite honestly, a bitch. She always has shit to say under her breath. Do you have good vision? No, it's awful. When was the last time you watched a show for people younger than you? Last I was with Sara. We're watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together. Have you ever snuck someone into your house before? No. Is there something your significant other does that bothers you completely? She's competitive and admits to it. A lot, particularly in writing, is a "mine needs to be better" thing. When was the last time you kissed someone on the cheek? When I saw my niece and nephew at my nephew's birthday party. How many best friends do you have? One. Did you ever get bullied as a child or were you the bully? Neither. Would you rather eat grape or strawberry jelly or jam? GRAPE. I hate strawberry jam/jelly. Do your parents ever send you to do their grocery shopping for them? No. Do you know anyone who has a speech impediment? I don't think I do personally. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was like... 11-12 or so, maybe? Possibly younger? Have you ever had a significant other who hit you? Fuck no. Do you own any exercise machines? No. Do you still leave/receive voicemails? If I need to, sure. School leaves me voicemails sometimes if I miss a call. Do you live in your hometown? No. Are you a festive person? Do you enjoy holidays? Not very festive, but I mean, I enjoy 'em. Did you/Will you attend college? I'm back in college now!! You’re feeling down - do you listen to sad music or happy? Sad. Listening to music fitting my mood helps me feel related to and not alone. You’re looking for some new music - what’s your preferred way to discover? YouTube recommendations. Do you watch the news? No. What hooks you to a television show? The most important thing is A GOOD PLOT!!! It needs to be really interesting to me, bc I do NOT get into shows easily. As for funny shows, they need to be fuuuuunny. I don't think I could ever get "hooked" on a show again, though. I just don't watch TV. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Yes. On the morphine occasion, it didn't do jackshit. I don't think they gave me nearly enough. Is there anyone that makes your skin crawl? The #1 thing that most fits the definition of "skin crawling" to me is seeing a fetus move from outside the stomach, especially the further the mother is along. It's fucking alien-esque and actually makes me scream and panic. Are people more likely to tell you to tone it down or to speak up? It can be either. Do you have a dining room in your house? No. Do you know the alphabet in any other languages? Very close to all of German's. I blank and aren't sure on a couple. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever been surfing? No.

[injaninja9]

On Loneliness: My Dating History as a Gay Aspergian

Whenever I go to gay Reddit, I would often see a post along the lines of "I'm in high school, how do I get a boyfriend?" or "I'm [fat, ugly, poor, not white, or some other insecurity], but I can't get people to talk to me," or even "I'm the paragon of gay ideals, why can't I get anything good on Grindr?!" Among the responses to those posts, I might see the following: -"You're still in high school; I myself only had my first boyfriend when I was 35, so you have plenty of time." -"Hey, maybe you should consider loving yourself first, and you can do that by doing things to improve yourself like getting into fitness or doing things that will make you happy like picking up a new hobby. I'm also [fat, ugly, poor, not white, or some other insecurity], and I'm happy by myself. If someone comes into my life who I have a mutual attraction to, that would be icing on the cake." -"Get off Grindr right now or go to a bigger city!" But then there's me: a 25 year old gay Aspergian who delved into the dating world several times with nothing to show for it. Let me tell you right now that all your problems about not getting a boyfriend are a molehill compared to my mountain; I was never out in high school (nor do I have any lasting friends since then), I'm disabled with one of the least publicly understood neurological developmental disorders in the 1st World (you'd be surprised at how low on the social totem pole I because I have a disability), and a mutual here who I thought was attractive recently showed his dark side of his personality to me (I'm not naming names, but I was very hurt by what was said; if I was on Grindr, I wouldn't last a day). But on the rare occasion I did get to meet someone on a dating site, nothing panned out well for me. With that said, I will leave you with my (abridged) dating history: -A First Nations man from Compatible Partners who I managed to snag his phone number to text with. After a few days of texting and getting to know him as a compassionate and fun loving guy, he stopped responding. This was before "ghosting" was a term. -A chubby computer nerd who attended the same university I did from Plenty of Fish. When he was in town for a weekend, we had a meal to talk about each other's lives and about the movie we had seen separately (It was Star Wars: The Force Awakens). He suddenly wanted to stay single after getting back to his town. -A guy 7 years my senior who also had a thing for knitting and wanted to have sex with me. While his body was kind of hot to me based on his racy pictures, I was really hesitant to go through with it, so we just had a coffee date. I broke it off because there were too many red flags to pursue a relationship. -A gaymer who studied Political Science in a university from the nearest Metropolis to me I'll call "J" from OKCupid. I'll discuss that time more in my follow-up about my Snow Queen Complex, but for now I'll just say that he was the cause of it. -A bisexual computer programming student from my university who I had a great time chatting on OKCupid. He decided against pursuing further after meeting me in person. -Some horn dog on Tinder. I felt desperate for even sex at that point, but because he said nothing after a certain time, nothing happened. I'm glad nothing happened now that I look back on it. -A local farmer from Plenty of Fish(?). At most, we only saw a filmed lecture about the creation behind a Beatles album. After he took me home, he never responded to any invitation to a follow-up date (this was around the time "ghosting" started to become popular). -A grocery store manager from Plenty of Fish, who I had learned broke up with his fiancé a year prior. He called off a board game café date because I wasn't his type. He can sod off for all I care now. There are plenty more guys I've met online where nothing worked out, but the ones I've mentioned above are the ones who stick out most in my mind. What does my dating history tell us? Apparently I'm attractive enough to warrant some initial interest, but I'm too autistic to warrant more quality time than that (remember what I said about how low I am on the social totem pole because of my disability? This is why I believe gay guys are Hylia-damned shallow). Do I have no hope of finding a nice man to be with? If there are uglier men than me who have boyfriends (and I know that because I sat behind one such couple where one guy looks to be 25% Quasimodo), then surely there must be a man out there who will want me for me, and all the autistic enthusiasm for SMT/Persona that entails. Does that mean I need to kiss more frogs to find my prince? Hell no! I'm done with opening my heart only for other guys to stamp on it and run off like the losers they are! I don't know if there is a positive moral to share here besides "it could be worse, you could be me" but if there is anything you can take away from my dating history, it is this: It could be worse; you could be me.

[angstymarshmallow]

Tagged - 20 Questions

Okay Elle @the-everlasting-dream, my dearest - since you tagged me; here we go :’)

1. When/what age did you start writing? Probably as early as I can remember. I was always in love with the ideas of stories; of the kinds I could create because I loved making up characters. So probably around 9 or 10 is the first memory I really have of really trying to write stories with a pencil and paper. 

2. What inspired you to start? As a child it had a lot to do with seeing television shows and reading books that really inspired me to want to write my own. And eventually it kind of spiraled from there, except this time I’m sparked by my imagination.

3. Where and when does inspiration usually strike you? Everywhere. When I’m listening to music, when I’m just about ready to fall asleep, when I’m in the middle of a show or even just talking with someone; something just goes off inside my head like yup this is a good time to think and day dream about this.

4. Where and when do you usually to write? Morning? Late at night? On the bus? In bed? Mostly in the theatre? room of my home. Usually at wee hours of the night/ morning, that’s when my imagination really comes alive.I can also write a lot in the morning as well but I’m less productive. I used to write in bed a lot but mostly its wherever I can; usually in a sitting position.

5. Do you listen to music while writing? If so what genre/playlist? I’ve started listening to music while writing, especially if a song specifically speaks to me and especially for fanfiction. It kind of just depends though, I still for the most part prefer silence - mostly i end up tuning everything out at some point if it feels too loud. I listen to a lot of folk music, some pop, indie - Jane @irlquinnkelly made this awesome playlist for me recently and I’ve been really listening to that too lol.

6. Which category do you like best? Angst? Fluff? NSFW? Other? Definitely angst. Nothing speaks to me more than getting my heart broken or twisted. I really like feeling something for a character’s circumstances. But I also enjoy good fluff and nsfw as well.

7. Which category do you find most challenging to write? Fluff. I write it sometimes, more recently but I can never really tell if it feels authentic. I really only hope it does and go from there. Humour is kind of hard to write too, but I don’t force it - if the characters calls for it, well then it happens.

8. If you had to pick your favourite Choices book, which one would it be and why? For awhile it was Most Wanted, because everything about that book is so damned brilliant. Now it’s mostly The Royal Romance. I’ve written so much fanfiction about it lmao, and I really just genuinely enjoy the story. It’s got such good characters that you can’t help but love and the plot isn’t hard to follow.

9. If your Choices LIs were real, which one (and only one!) would you personally want to be with? Probably Seth. We’d have so much in common; we’re both huge dorks, we both make references to video games (sometimes) obscure, we both enjoy roleplaying board games and we’re both into humour! Seriously, he’s adorable and I feel like we’d have good chemistry.

10. Do you share any physical characteristics with your Choices MCs?  Pics/selfies optional :)Not really no. On a general level, I try not to make my MCs too much like any given person. They’re their own people that just live inside my head - sure there coincidences mostly accidental lol and I guess on some level we share some familiarity but physically - nope.

11. Which MC do you share the most personality traits with? I’ve been told I’m a bit like my TRR MC Robyn aha, which makes me happy because she’s super awesome! But I don’t really see myself sharing a lot of personality traits with any of MCs. I mean yeah, there are some similarities again- but my mind is kinda coming up blank.

12. Which Choices character do you feel you have the best grasp of in terms of personality? I think (and I’ve ah been told,) I genuinely get Drake pretty well in terms of personality. 

13. What’s your favourite choices pairing to write for? Definitely Drake and Robyn, with Dia and Zig a close second. BUT. Thomas and Tatum are starting to give them a run for their money aha - I know I should choose one, but I love these three a lot so this makes it so hard :’(.

14. What is a pairing/s you hope to start writing for? I would love to write more Grant x MC material; but they aren’t a couple that a lot of people enjoy. I would love to write some Mr. Sinclaire x MC too.

15. What do you hope to improve in your writing? Everything. I’m always striving to be better with everything - whether its attention to detail, or editing (because sometimes I go back and cringe at awkward sentences I’ve created or dialogue that just doesn’t...?) or for emotional appeal because I want readers to laugh and cry, to feel something so strongly that they embody that character - I genuinely believe the more you practice, the better you are at something. And that something for me is everything.

16. Any pet peeves related to writing? Grammar and spelling or huge for me, if I see something more than a few times, I immediately stop reading because it’s such a hugee turn off for me lol. I’ve seen some great second person narrative but on a general level I don’t particularly enjoy them in fanfiction.

17. Are you inspired by any IRL experiences when you write? Care to share? Similar feelings sure - it’s hard not to pour your heart out, to work whatever you’re going through in your writing (at least for me anyway), but not specific personal experiences because my characters are their own y’know?

18. Is there any particular piece of work you consider to be your ultimate writing goal? Something so amazing you hope once day you’ll be able to be up to that standard? Nothing in particular that I can think of other than my own personal favourite authors that have always emotionally gotten me invested and have gripped me from nearly the beginning every time.  

19. Did/do you write for any other fandoms? If so which ones? Nope just choices aha.

20. In your spare time (when you’re not writing) what other hobbies do you pursue? Reading (not as much as I used to), video games, board-games, writing poetry, a bit of drawing - I’m trying to learn html but my attention span is so wack sometimes...ah kickboxing lots and lots of kickboxing. And I think that’s all I can think of.

Share and tag your favourite writers!

@hellomynameisdeviblaire @mrswalkerwrites, @blazerina, @choicessa, @irlquinnkelly, @tmarie82, @boneandfur, @i-dream-so-i-write, @nerdpossible, @losrchester (I miss her writing) @mewly (I loved what you showed me and I need moreee) - I can’t think of anyone else at the moment, but there’s so many great writers in this fandom, I’m just very bad at checking tags for fics I want to read ahhhh.