#Definitely not based on my early experiences with medication

[aidaronan]

Eddie getting a late adhd diagnosis.

Starting meds.

Being both elated and irritated because "wait, is this what it's like for everyone else? What the actual hell??"

[bejeweledblondie]

König Headcannons

A/N: just like Ghost’s headcannon’s I’m taking inspiration from my experiences living on a military base

Warnings: NSFW

König x F! Reader

• König initially first met you while you were volunteering with the United Nations & Doctors Without Borders

• you were administering vaccines to children in the Middle East, & providing medical services to the underprivileged communities

• he was awe of your empathy & kindness towards these children, you treated them like they were your own & took your job super seriously

• KorTac was providing security for the community from potential terrorist attacks, as taking any western countries citizen for ransom seemed enticing

• After a surprise attack on the camp that was set up, he immediately brought you to safety & held you as you sobbed into chest out of fear for your life & all those innocent civilians that caught in the gunfire

• “shhh, schatz it’ll be okay” he whispered to you

• he finally asked you out after months of waiting for the right time

• you were giving him his flu shot when he asked you out

• your first date was in his off post apartment, he had cooked you homemade Austrian food

• his cooking is divine, he always chef’s it up in the kitchen

• you guys moved in only a few months into dating (which seems early but in the military world you’re slacking)

• he proposed with his Oma’s ring

• he also asked your parents over FaceTime for your hand in marriage, they were reluctant but he was very persuasive

• you’d probably wind up working at the hospital on post, & the soldiers that come in 100% know you’ll take care of them

• during Christmas leave both of your families meet in Vienna for Christmas time, I mean cmon Vienna is gorgeous at Christmas

• you two announce your pregnancy at Christmas dinner

• his Oma jumped up & ran over to hug you

• this man’s genes are freakin strong

• you definitely get pregnant with twins

• König is deployed when you find out & you tell him over FaceTime

• he cried pure tears of joy & his whole team celebrated

• due to the fact he’s like a giant he produces large babies

• you’d have to get a c-section for the birth because of it, & König makes it in the last second.

• he still had his hood on & was in his tactical gear scaring the entire nursing staff

• imagine their surprise when he just asks where his wife is

• you have a girl & a boy

• they’d definitely be named after his grandparents

• he sings lullaby’s in Austrian to them to introduce them to his home country’s culture

• he hates leaving for deployments now that they’re born & he definitely became more ruthless on the battlefield due to it

• he 100% would bring the babies to work whenever it was a mandatory fun day or a super relaxed day at work

• these hardened military men would be all over your babies & arguing as to who gets to hold them next

• they’re very well protected & König made sure of that

• he’s a family man at heart & he will do anything to protect them

✨NSFW ✨

• you weren’t very experienced when you met König & when you first saw his cock you were in absolute disbelief a man could be that hung

• you let your intrusive thoughts win & asked if he’d fit inside of you

•it took a lot of foreplay for him to fully fit snug in you

• he definitely would say the most absolutely filthy things in Austrian to you even if you understood them or not

• massive size & breeding kink

• he just loves how small your hands are compared to his cock you need both of them to jerk him off

• when he found out you were pregnant he was elated that his efforts worked out

• loved to see your body change & baby bump grow

• also loved how horny you were as a pregnancy symptom ( it killed him that you’d have to deal with that alone while he was deployed)

• like most military men he too has a collection of your nudes & plenty of videos of him fucking you

• he loves your hips & how wide they are to him it digs deep into the primal instinct of carrying his babies

• König is just as stealthy in bed as he is in on the battlefield

[radfemfox5]

Hi there - I'm trans and Jewish and I'd like to share my perspective on the "trans genocide" thing. I don't think we're experiencing active genocide in the US; that's definitely an extreme and offensive statement to make regarding what's happening. However, I do think that the increasing legislation attacking trans rights and autonomy as well as an increasingly polarized public view of trans people points to the potential for a worse situation that moves closer to genocide.

Now, personally, I live in a state where no laws limiting trans rights have passed. I was able to legally begin my medical transition when I was 15, I've never experienced transphobic violence, and the majority of people around me are supportive of my transition. My experience is similar to most other trans people in my area, with varying degrees of familial support.

But nation wide, we have seen an increase of trans people being murdered, and a massive increase in anti-trans legislation. This legislation aims to strip trans people of their autonomy and privacy. It seeks to put trans children in danger, remove information about what it is to be trans or queer from children's access, and enforce archaic ideas about what it means to be a man or woman.

Most of this is happening because right wing politicians can capitalize on moral outrage and fear to win votes. They're scapegoating trans people instead of trying to improve the lives of their constituents. This is kind of politician's thing, so it's not surprising in any way. However, when those policies successfully do win these politicians support, they'll have to make them more extreme. They'll want to make it illegal to exist as a trans person in public.

Now I'm not saying that that's genocide. I think we're an awfully long way off from trans people being mass arrested for being trans, and then murdered by the state. But we are in a rising climate of fear, and I don't think the trans people calling this the seventh stage of genocide are doing so out of bad faith. I think they're doing that because they are terrified of having their right to take life-saving medication, or have protection in the workplace, or be able to use a bathroom, or have children, or wear what they want to wear taken away. And they're terrified of those things because the bills on the table in states across the country put those rights in jeopardy. And if calling this a genocide makes people pay attention? I'm not super mad about it.

Hi, thank you for sharing your perspective on this. I appreciate it.

Your fear is primarily based on sensationalist headlines and interpretations of the law that are unfounded. I can assure you, you are not even in the early stages of a genocide.

But nation wide, we have seen an increase of trans people being murdered

In 2021, the Human Rights Campaign recorded 50 deaths of trans, nonbinary and GNC people.

In 2022, the HRC recorded 38 deaths (source). So. If we take these numbers at face value, that's a decrease of nearly 25% in one year, in a growing section of the population.

Taking these numbers and the size of the transgender population in the US (1.6 million), in 2021, trans people had a death rate of 3.1/100k, and in 2022, this dropped to 2.4. Again, the numbers provided by the HRC include nonbinary and GNC people, and accidental deaths.

Some of these aren't even murders or intentional homicides. They just say they were killed. I wouldn't consider these numbers reliable whatsoever, but they're the only estimate we have for now. There are so few trans deaths that they can fit on a single Wikipedia page, along with a little blurb about their life and who they were. It would be impossible to do something similar with victims of femicide, since there are too many to count. This page lists victims of femicide, only in Canada, only in 2022, and it is nearly as long as the Wikipedia page I listed above.

This is a perfect segue to my next point, which is to compare trans genocide to femicide, which is actually real. Women are killed so often that the UN has to categorize female murder victims as either killings (unnatural deaths), intentional homicides or gender-related killings (hate crimes, therefore considered in femicide statistics).

The intentional homicide rate for female victims in the US is 2.9/100k (data from 2021), and it is steadily increasing after having been on the decline since the mid-90s.

That only includes the pink and red circles shown in the UN's chart, not accidental deaths or unknown deaths like the HRC includes in their counts. Some countries have as many as 10.6/100k women die a year.

TL;DR: The murder rate for trans people in the US is not increasing, it is decreasing. This isn't indicative of a trans genocide in the slightest.

But nation wide, we have seen [...] a massive increase in anti-trans legislation.

As I was saying earlier, this idea stems from sensationalist headlines. It's concerning to me how widespread the misinformation about anti trans legislation really is, when house bills are publicly available online. You can literally do a quick Google search and find that most of these bills are nothing burgers.

Unfortunately, it's easier for you to just go on a website like translegislation.com and have them tell you what these bills say. I'll do some of the work for you and go through how these sites lie to you.

Alabama imposing criminal penalties on providers of trans healthcare? Sounds scary. Let's see what the source they linked, the HRC, has to say.

Ah. So it's specifically regarding transgender youth. As in, minors. This is after going through an insanely long title detailing how bad the bill is. The trans legislation tracker essentially lies by omission, implying that all trans healthcare is being criminalized.

Going to the bill in question, AL SB184, we can see that it actually acknowledges the existence of dysphoria in children.

However, they also acknowledge that this feeling may be fleeting, and that making permanent changes to a child's body solely on account of the child's personal sense of identity is unwise.

I won't go through every single bill here, as this post is already very long, but you get the idea. Feel free to send another ask if you would like me to look at specific bills.

Back to your ask: the way you speak of these bills shows that you've never read them for yourself or know how legislation works, since you're acting like it's the beginning of Armageddon.

This legislation aims to strip trans people of their autonomy and privacy. It seeks to put trans children in danger, remove information about what it is to be trans or queer from children's access, and enforce archaic ideas about what it means to be a man or woman.

I'm assuming by autonomy and privacy, you mean the choice to undergo medical transition and the bathroom/locker room/women's sports issue respectively.

Bills limiting "gender-affirming" care are focused on children, since puberty blockers like Lupron are now known to have very negative and permanent effects. The bills don't ban adults from choosing to take HRT. It's extremely profitable for doctors to continue to prescribe HRT and for surgeons to continue to recommend expensive plastic surgeries. Legislation won't go that route unless there's a massive shift in public perception.

The "Save Women's Sports Act" literally just limits participation in women's school sports to females only. That's it. The trans legislation tracker even acknowledges this.

Most of these bills are copy pasted from eachother, which is why they're all dubbed as "Save Women's Sports." Here's a snippet from HB61 in Ohio:

If someone's sex is brought into question, a simple blood test is all that's needed. Contrary to what the media may have led you to believe, there are no forcible genital inspections. No trans person is being forced to undress for this. Only 6 trans "girls" are affected by this in Ohio, out of 400k total athletes in girl's sports. So I'm not sure why this feels like a precursor to genocide to you.

remove information about what it is to be trans or queer from children's access,

Personally, I don't think children should be aware that medical transition is even a remote possibility unless they are in extreme psychological distress related to their sex. Even then, therapy is usually the best solution. I don't think the "Gender Unicorn," a surprisingly complex graphic created in part by an alleged violent rapist and groomer, should be used in classrooms to teach children about gender ideology. Gender ideology should be taught to college students who are better equipped to form their own opinion, not children who barely know how to read.

There are better, more useful things to push in our education curriculum, like compulsory comprehensive sex ed. That way, young men don't learn about sex through violent pornography, and young girls don't accidentally get pregnant without knowing what it means. This would also be a good time to teach them about sexual orientation. Leaving it up to the parents or focusing on abstinence evidently doesn't work.

enforce archaic ideas about what it means to be a man or woman.

The lack of self-awareness here is pretty astounding. The trans movement actively enforces these archaic ideas of gender by telling tomboys that they might actually be a boy. This implies that femininity is what makes womanhood, which is objectively untrue.

By telling masculine women that they are men and feminine men that they are women, you're literally enforcing the gender roles you say you're destroying.

They'll want to make it illegal to exist as a trans person in public.

You can speculate about this all you want, but you can't see laws limiting child transition and keeping sports sex-segregated as writing on the wall. We're not even close to that.

Now I'm not saying that that's genocide. I think we're an awfully long way off from trans people being mass arrested for being trans, and then murdered by the state.

I'm glad to hear you are moderately sane.

But we are in a rising climate of fear,

Your phrasing reminds me of US politics in the wake of 9/11. When people act out of fear, decisions are made in haste, and wars are started over made-up WMDs. Being fearful clouds your judgement.

Look around you. You're safe and accepted. The trans flag is flown almost everywhere in June. A trans woman won the NCAA National Champion title just last year. For International Women's Day, multiple companies featured trans women. Time Magazine featured many trans women as Women of the Year. Language is now inclusive, so women don't actually exist anymore. We're just uterus havers. This is all to cater to trans people.

Yeah. It's getting to be a bit much, isn't it? Don't you expect the least bit of pushback, especially from women? We aren't living in fear of some invisible boogeyman. We are angry at how rapidly our hard work has been undone.

We're pissed that after decades of feminist progress, we've regressed to being considered non-men once again.

and I don't think the trans people calling this the seventh stage of genocide are doing so out of bad faith. I think they're doing that because they are terrified of having their right to take life-saving medication, or have protection in the workplace, or be able to use a bathroom, or have children, or wear what they want to wear taken away.

Puberty blockers and HRT do not save lives. They actually haven't been proven to have a substantial enough effect on mental health to consider them an adequate treatment for gender dysphoria.

2. Trans people have the same basic human rights as any other human being.

3. Many places are adding gender-neutral bathrooms in order to accommodate the growing trans population. No one is checking your genitals at the door of a bathroom, no one cares that much. I care about girls being assaulted at school by boys in skirts and the school boards covering it up in the name of trans acceptance (x).

4. Trans people remove their own ability to have children by going on puberty blockers, HRT and even eventually physically castrating themselves. If you mean the ability to adopt or foster children, I don't know. Gay and lesbian couples still have a hard time adopting to this day, so progress can be made in that department.

To conclude this hodgepodge of various facts, screenshots and links, I'll leave you with this:

I fundamentally disagree with you that crying "genocide" is in any way helpful for your community. It's not. Most of Western society might have forgotten what genocide looks like or doesn't even know what the word means anymore, but you should know better as a Jew.

The attention trans people get from saying that they're going through a genocide is overwhelmingly negative from people on both ends of the political spectrum at this point. People are annoyed at trans people for making shit up, which ruins your movement's credibility.

When you have to lie to get someone's attention, you've already lost.

[galaxiesovertrees]

what if I said that, while it isn’t canon, it’s definitely plausible !

pt 2 here !

closeups under cut !

I believe that it is an entirely realistic possibility for aventurine to have formed as a system due to trauma he was subjected to in his early childhood ! also note that this is partially based on my own experiences as a medically recognised DID system. I’m still open to critique though ! :]

[scienceandfandoms]

I was talking on Discord and accidentally spent an hour giving my thoughts on how well each new Who companion could take care of a baby. Note that I think most everyone on this list is capable of taking care of a baby for some amount of time. As such I'm adding how long I think they could do so/additional stipulations in bold. Also of note that a lot of these depend on when in their timeline we mean. I split some ratings based on this. Also also this is just for fun

So without further ado... How well New Who companions would do taking care of a baby (under the cut)

Rose Tyler: When we meet her she is so so young to be caring for an infant for a significant amount of time. But by the end of her time on screen? Sure. In EU content she's even got a kid. Rating: a few days at the start, long term at the end

Mickey Smith: Era specific. Definitely not for early Mickey. But once he's matured after spending time in Pete's World he could probably do it. Rating: maybe for an afternoon at the start, long term at the end

Captain Jack Harkness: Has had children canonically. This does not, however, fill me with confidence. Probably knows how to keep them alive more or less though unless their death would save the world haha who said that. Rating: inevitable heartbreak/10

Martha Jones: I'd trust her to do so at the start if she had to bc of her medical training and being slightly older/with her shit together. My confidence has only increased with time. Rating: most competent so far, could probably handle it long term if she had to right at the start

Donna Noble: Has successfully, canonically, on screen raised a spectacular daughter who is also a companion. A large portion of her time on screen in The Star Beast is dedicated to how good of a mother she is. Rating: companion I would trust the most with a baby for any amount of time

River Song: Another one that depends in part on place in the timeline and I'm not even gonna get into the thing where the Library makes her a parent or something at the end of that episode bc that feels forced af to me. But I feel like she'd lack confidence in her ability to care for a kid of any age, but take to it surprisingly well if she really had to do it. Rating: earlier in her timeline just no. Later in her timeline she could probably manage long term

Amy Pond and Rory Williams (they're a couple so doing them together): at the beginning they're also quite young (not even counting Amelia era Amy). They could do it but I think Rory would be picking up a lot of the slack for the same reasons I think early Martha could do it. Dubiously canonly they DID raise a kid (though it's unclear if it was from infancy), and in general there's so many timeskips they're a lot older and more mature by their departure and I think they'd be fine. Rating: carried by Rory to squeak out mid-long term success early on, but in a better position long term later in their lives

Clara Oswald: Clara has experience with children, yes, but ones that are SCHOOL age. Clara is not equipped to handle an infant. You can't be clever at an infant. Unless you speak baby. Maybe she forces the Doctor to teach her to speak baby. I doubt it would help. Rating: I wouldn't leave a baby with Clara Oswald for more than an afternoon and even that much is a gamble

Nardole: Has been seen looking after babies before. Seems reasonably competent at it. Up there honestly. Rating: long term right from the start. Or at least from his second episode he's just kinda doofy in THORS and there's a significant time skip after that

Bill Potts: While not as young as someone like Rose, her position in life is still one that makes caring for a baby for a significant duration difficult. Could she do it? Yeah probably if she really had to. But I want her to live her life. Rating: living situation complicates anything more than short term early on, probably capable of long term with resources even then

Ryan Sinclair: Chibnall companions are kinda nothing to me. Sorry. Please don't come at me for not being a Chibnall enjoyer. But it can be hard to get a read on them to me. Ryan is pretty young though so I'm gonna say best not. Maybe if he was written by someone capable of developing a character. Rating: short term would probably be okay

Graham O'Brien: Also Chibnall. In a better position age wise. Loses points for all the ableism with Ryan so maybe if the kid isn't disabled I guess. Rating: another short term candidate I suppose

Yaz Khan: Also Chibnall. Also young. Still probably not. I'm sorry canon Yaz is kinda nothing to me I know a lot of people really like her. Rating: competent enough for short term probably

Dan Lewis: Maybe the Chibnall companion I'd trust with a baby the most? I mean he's not barely an adult, and his main crime is outing someone which isn't really relevant to a baby. I think it's a bit outside his wheelhouse but he'd manage it okay. Though if he never unshrunk his house that might make it a bit more difficult for anything longer term. Rating: congratulations you get short term with longer term conditional on the assumption you have somewhere to go with said baby

Rose Noble: She's 15. But on the other hand she could ask her mom for help so if that's an option she's fine actually. Rating: probably a great short term babysitter, has the resources to get excellent assistance if she were to end up with a baby in the long term

Ruby Sunday: Another Quite Young companion and her introduction literally does feature a baby in her care getting kidnapped. She does get that baby back though and it's shown that she helps her mom with childcare a lot so big babysitter energy. Rating: short-mid term on her own, longer term with assistance

[ftmtftm]

Wait, transmedicalism and truscum used to be different things but then merged? What happened? I thought they were just two words for the same thing, but I don't know much of this sort of history.

Basically truscum, tucutes, transmeds, and trenders (because that terms relevant here too!) all meant/mean slightly different things.

Truscum = true transsexual scum - someone who deems themself to be a "real transsexual" because they have dysphoria and transitioned medically/want to transition medically and fit the medical definition of being transsexual essentially

Tucute = too cute for you - someone whose gender is "too cute" for truscum, usually someone nonbinary and/or doesn't have dysphoria/only experienced some types of dysphoria, etc. etc. etc. - Tucutes also tend to overlap with specifically neogender identities, folks who use nounself pronouns, and otherkin/fictionkin communities specfically

Transmed = someone who believes in the medical institution and medical model of gender dysphoria, as well as who believes you need gender dysphoria to be trans AND the medical aspect of transitioning is integral to their definition of gender dysphoria

Trender/transtrender = anyone seen as "faking" being trans for [x, y, z] reason - usually because they are nonbinary or non-dysphoric - but goes beyond just ""weird"" (<- used very loosely and not indicative of my own belief) genders and identities like neogenders and otherkin and gets applied to anyone deemed "not trans enough"

It's like transmedicalism is a circle that encompasses truscum and trenders are a circle that encompass tucutes.

Because they're all so similar over the years they've melded and mushed together and frankly? They still mean very different things to very different people in my experiences. They're not solid categories of individuals and even my definitions are probably wonky to some degree. They're just based on my best understanding having been part of it all myself on all sides at some point or another.

I also consider truscum/tucutes to be much more Tumblr specific because that discourse was born here in a very specific cultural context of the early-mid 2010's, whereas transmedicalism and calling people trenders is a much wider community issue that has breached into general discourse outside of just the trans community. If that makes sense?

[ozzyeelz]

Here to ask you abt your ocs.

How did Shifter get his powers/abilities? Who's the merc he gets along with the most [personality wise] and complements the most [on the battlefield], if you had to choose?

And for your original universe ocs. What are they up to? Devious acts, I presume :3c?

I’ll answer these numerically just so it’s more organized, get ready for a long post yall!

1. How did Shifter get his powers/abilities?

Honestly, not even Shifter himself has a solid answer on that😅

As part of his backstory, when he was discovered by Mann Co. in his late teens, he was heavily experimented on, leaving his memory fragmented (and a bit traumatized). When they couldn’t find anything else useful about him, they shipped him off to fight in the gravel wars.

Due to this, he doesn’t really have any memory of where exactly his powers come from (or where he’s from, or his exact age, etc.), though through distant memories of his childhood, he guesses that he’s had his powers from birth! 

2. Who’s the merc he gets along with the most? (Personality wise)

I personally feel like he would be friends with Pyro, Demoman and Scout the most (with a little bit of Soldier and Sniper in the mix)!!

I feel that Demo and Shifter would be friends with a father/son (more like weird uncle/weirder nephew) dynamic going on! Shifter kinda sees Demo as his friend he can go to when conflicted, and Demo gives surprisingly good advice! Other than that, Shifter looks up to him for some reason hehe

Shifter and Pyro are definitely besties at first sight! Pyro was one of the first mercs to aproach Shifter when he arrived on base, all of the other mercs being too wary (or uninterested) to talk to the new hire. And because of Shifter’s sharp ears, they are able to understand Pyro pretty clear through the mask, so they just like to talk about whatever interests them :3

Because of Shifter’s ability to mix-and-match the animals he can turn into, he loves getting suggestions from Pyro of mythical creatures to turn into!! (Pyros favorites are dragons and unicorns, and Shifter loves to indulge them :3)

He can be quite mischievous when he wants to be, so he has no problem getting rowdy and indulging in some play-fighting with Scout!

Him and Scout are definitely friends, and though Scout had his reservations about the guy who looks just on the verge of non-human, as soon as Shifter discovered Scout’s love of challenges (especially when it comes to speed) Shifter became adamant on becoming friends with him! They also get into plenty of mischief together, with Scout’s favorite pastime picking on the other mercs, and Shifter’s love of chaos, trouble is bound to happen at some point!

They also both have a healthy fear of Medic (Shifter because of his time being experimented on by Mann co. (resulting in a fear of doctors/medical scientists), and Scout because who isn’t afraid of Medic)

3. Who’s the merc he compliments the most? (On the battlefield)

I feel like either Medic or Pyro would make an unstoppable force on the battlefield with him!!

Other than that, he already has a counterpart that works perfectly with his abilities (my other tf2 oc Comm (short for Communications))!!

(A quick sketch and early concept of this post!)

[titleleaf]

Experiments In Early Victorian Skincare: Unguentum Resinosum

(Note: since Tumblr seems to be making text posts deliberately inaccessible to anyone not logged into a Tumblr account, I'm still crossposting these posts to the Gallipot Project stand-alone blog over on Wordpress.)

This element of the project I stumbled upon while reading about Royal Navy medicine chests — even in all the excitement and anxiety of the recovery of Erebus and Terror, with plenty of discussion of the potential to glean information from what the crew left behind, it slipped my mind that among the relics recovered from the final Franklin expedition there might be actual medicaments (or at least their residues) left behind. My brain is a thick sludge right now due to a spicy range of events, but I wanted to give a little more detail about this chapter in my experiments.

Unguents Of Historical Significance

The original item that served as the springboard for this was a component of the Victory Point medicine chest recovered by Lt. William Hobson with the McClintock expedition of 1857. The medicine chest and its contents are now in the Royal Museums Greenwich collection. For more on the chest, I recommend this series of posts by S.L. over at 70 North Beset, which includes a wonderful guide to the chest’s cryptically-labeled contents and their uses.

The item we're discussing is by all appearances mislabeled, or rather stored in a repurposed container with a label indicating its previous contents. (If you've ever kept Band-Aids in an Altoids tin or safety pins in a medicine bottle, you're carrying on a proud tradition.) There's no image of the container by itself on the RMG's website, but I believe it's the round black container with the octagonal paper label on the bottom left here, just above the sticking-plaster box.

Image © National Maritime Museum, Greenwich, London

(so what the fuck is that supposed to be?)

Franklin expedition research frequent-flier Richard J. Cyriax’s “A Historic Medicine Chest”, published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal in 1947, describes the box and its contents as follows:

a circular metal box said on a label to contain ground ginger but actually containing what seems to be an ointment, now dried up almost into a ball. McClintock’s inventory mentions a box containing shrunk ointment, and no other article in the chest agrees with his description. The ointment is of a light yellow colour and possesses no definite odour; it may be “unguentum resinae”, which was very often used in surgical practice.

Okay, great, but wtf is unguentum resinae? I took this recipe from the 1830 Edinburgh New Dispensatory, compiled by Andrew Duncan, professor of materia medica at the University of Edinburgh.

Presto, salve plus resin.

So yeah, there are a lot of different salves in play in this era, some of them damn close in formulation. As much as I like making funky little unguents, making a full slate of these recipes might be overkill. This same text contains a whole mess of recipes for other liniments, ointments, cerates, and plasters, including a half-dozen variations on the theme of “some proportion of some kind of fat + some proportion of wax, white or yellow”. Duncan’s description continues on the next page:

THESE [presumably meaning the preceding recipes], which are varieties of the basilicon ointment, are commonly employed in dressings for digesting, cleansing, and incarnating wounds and ulcers.

(Basilicon ointments supposedly achieved this effect by, uh, causing pus production. Thanks, I hate it.)

Side note: If a salve is oil-based, how can it dry up, like the sample in the ginger container? This is how my dumb ass learned that oils can indeed evaporate over time. Presumably the inclement weather conditions at Victory Point didn’t help, but it’d be an interesting experiment for a long-haul-minded Franklin enthusiast to keep a tin of this stuff around over the course of years to see how it responds.

What is this salve for? Why carry it all the way to Victory Point? Why abandon it there? Honestly, I find these questions pretty confounding, starting with the first — the use of unguentum resinae appears to have been so wide and unremarkable that I’m not getting a lot of detailed information about how they were meant to be applied, and the information I am getting is very much framed like you (the presumed-medically-trained reader) should know this shit already. The recovered medicine chest also contains a stockpile of materials used for bandaging and dressing wounds: bandages, lint, sticking plasters, and cotton wool. So wound care definitely seems like a focus of this set, and I’d wager this salve’s use fits right into that mix.  One interesting thing that both Cyriax and the writer over at 70 North Beset remark upon is that the Victory Point medicine chest is unlikely to have been a government article issued to the ships’ officially recognized medical personnel; even to my eye, it lacks any obvious broad-arrow branding. Was this some random officer’s personal supply? Was it carried to supplement official medicine chests or perhaps salvaged from a late officer’s belongings? I’m looking forward to more news from the wrecks to see if they shed any more light on the material culture of medicine aboard Erebus and Terror.

I encountered a source remarking that “unguentum resinae” was simply a drawing salve by another name — this assertion gave me pause since I’m used to “drawing salve” itself being another name for black salve, a whole category of corrosive salve used in bogus cancer cures that you should absolutely, absolutely not use on any part of your body. But drawing salves are a whole category of their own in folk medicine (including folk veterinary medicine) and were very much in use during the 19th century, without necessarily entailing the corrosive effect of sanguinarine and its eschariotic sisters.

In turn, what kind of salve did I make? I made two batches, one plant-based salve with more similarities to ceratum resinae, and one pork lard salve more closely replicating the Edinburgh formulation for unguentum resinae/resinosum. The recipe for either salve is pretty damn straightforward, so I didn’t feel driven to document all the double-boilering and pouring here; the only tricky element was sourcing my pine resin. Lots of people go out and wildcraft their own tree resins, which is fully possible but not something I have access to; I bought my resin from a Canadian retailer selling food-grade pine resin for wax wrap-making.

For my first non-lard rendition of this salve (sort of an “inspired by” version) I took cues regarding the proportions of liquid oil:butter:beeswax:resin from modern salving. Folk medicine practitioners still use similar pine resin salves as a topical treatment for minor wounds, an anti-inflammatory joint rub, or a reliever of chest congestion — it’s also a pretty basic emollient for dry skin and these are the uses I focus on when I make salves for myself/my loved ones, rather than dressing more serious wounds. If you tweak your ratios, you can also use the same basic elements to make reusable beeswax wraps for food storage; this is actually the stated purpose behind the pine rein I sourced, since I’d feel some qualms about using resin earmarked for specifically holistic purposes in my silly living history project.

For my second batch, I used the same resin and beeswax but paired them with a pork-derived lard. I put this round off at first due to hesitation around how to best source a non-hydrogenated rendered lard. Since concerns about shelf-stability were the motivation behind my first oil-based batch, I didn’t want to go about rendering my own pork fat au naturel or buy the $25/lb impossibly-bougie Epic lard aimed at keto/paleo people who have Whole Foods $$, but I also didn’t want to go with your Armour lard in a shelf-stable brick — I ended up tracking down a local butcher shop that renders their own.

Honestly this version came together even more smoothly than the previous version — I crushed my resin into smaller pieces rather than waiting for big old rocks to melt down, and the lard gave a more slick, less “tugging” consistency to the resulting balm. It doesn’t smell meaty or pork-like at all; there’s a faint odor of wood resin, but that’s it, and if I didn’t care for that it would be pretty easy to doctor up with essential oils. I will say that at room temperature the consistency seems a little firm for use in a plaster, but I might need to glob it on more generously and allow body heat to soften things up. A little bit of a raw deal for those dealing with polar weather extremes, but maybe unavoidable.

How would you make a natural preparation using approximately 1840s ingredients that remained soft and spreadable at colder temperatures? Honestly, I don’t know if this is something people planned for, since abandoning ship wasn’t anyone’s first choice, but it would have been relatively easy. Increasing the proportion of fats/oils to beeswax is one way to adapt any fat/wax recipe for colder weather use, but another option I can think of could be using fats/oils that solidify at lower temperature points. Some useful data there you probably know off the cuff — if you put olive oil in a cold fridge, it’ll solidify into a chunk; if you keep your coconut oil out at room temperature, you can tell the weather’s warming up when it goes fully liquid in the jar — but for better suggestions than that I had to resort to Modern Science.

I’m based in the US and use Fahrenheit most often but this is a pretty clear case where Celsius is superior. The Franklin expedition crews were dealing with outside temps of -40° and lower, and while interior temperatures (as long as the ships’ heating systems held out) weren’t nearly as nippy, they might well have been in the “your Costco coconut oil remains firm and opaque” range. If they wanted emulsified oil-based salves with maximum spreadability at ambient temperature, something runnier from the low end of the freeze/melt temp scale might have been handy.

[For a table listing different values here, head over to the blog!]

Not all of these are suitable for salvemaking (linseed oil, my old enemy) but castor oil is feasible, for instance. I might make up some compare-and-contrast salves to explore this but uhhhh not any time soon, because I already have so many fucking salves. The plant oil-based salves are up for sale on my Bigcartel site now -- would you be interested in buying a beef tallow-based salve? Speak up in the comments and let me know!

Overall I’m very pleased with the result of my salve-making, and the smaller or nonexistent amount of butter ingredients like cocoa butter should hopefully prevent the slight granularity that some of my other creations have developed in cooling. I like the tallow-based salve a little better and its emollient consistency is lovely.

How skin-safe is this product? The biggest issue is that pine resin is a well-known trigger for dermatological issues like contact dermatitis. If you know you’re allergic to it, please don’t make this recipe or buy salves containing it! You have way better options for wound care than a stranded Victorian sailor.

How vegan is this product? Well, not at all vegan, in either variation, due to the beeswax. I have gotten my hands on some vegan waxes, so sound off if you’d be interested in a purely plant-based version of this recipe too, or another exploration of Early Victorian receipts adapted to modern methods.

Meanwhile… I get to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of this lard.

[schizodiaries]

I’ve just had my first psychosis and am currently receiving treatment. Do you know if schizophrenia means you always experience psychosis or is that just sometimes? I just want to get better

I’m sorry to hear about your psychosis, but I’m glad to hear that you’re receiving treatment for it. I would encourage you to ask your doctor or psychiatrist for their opinion on the matter, as I am not an expert and I don’t know your situation as well as they do. But i can definitely share my non-professional opinion, just based on what I know about schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia affects people differently, and some cases are more severe than others, with psychosis lasting for months or even years. But with proper treatment, like therapy and medication, you absolutely can get better. While there is no “cure” for schizophrenia, with treatment, it’s possible for schizophrenics to be “in remission” and prevent future psychotic episodes. It isn’t a guarantee, though, so try to be mindful of any sudden changes in your behavior, mood, and thoughts. Early intervention makes a huge difference in reducing the chance of a psychotic episode.

Also, the first psychotic break tends to be the worst one. If you do experience it again, it’s usually not as severe as the first time, because you have a better chance of gaining insight, and intervening before it gets worse.

Thanks for reaching out. Again, I would talk to your psychiatrist about your concerns and see what they think. But remember, you are stronger than you think, and you are more than just your psychosis. Stay safe, and I wish you a comfortable and speedy recovery.

[mediocre-quill-ink]

hi!! if your inbox is open can i please request sfw & nsfw hcs for medic with a vampire s/o who needs to feed? thank you 🦇🖤

Thank you so much for the request. It was really fun to think about. Also, it's not just feeding headcanons if that's ok. Additional vampire dating stuff, I got carried away. I hope you enjoy it, though

Tw and content: lots of mentions of blood, of course. Some Catholic fetishism near the end. Cannibalism? Kind of? Medic drinking blood, really. Sadomasochism. Most of my vampire logic is based on interviews with the vampire and Draculaura (the book) and my own personal head canons, so the logic switches around sometimes. Google translate German.

Relationship:

Ok, so to start, everything I've stated in my first medic hcs still stands but I'll re state a few things

I feel like he'd let you drain patients for sure.

He'd never tell them. At least for a good while, lmao

When people are dying left and right on the field, he'll definitely bring a few to his lab to drain before the crew has enough time to re spawn and realize.

If you'd like him to keep up this practice I feel like he'd ask you preferences.

Wanna get drunk? Well, a demo corpse is yet to be disposed of

Or maybe just a bit buzzed? A spy is here!

Of corse, he'd keep blood bags in the fridge for you

If you wanna feed on him, though, well now you've got a whole new can of worms

If you ask him if you can feed on him, he'd be very surprised and then surprised that he is surprised.

"You want to feed on me? Oh! Well... ja. Yes- I can do that. I don't know why I didn't suspect this. I mean- I am your partner."

Yes. He's doing this

And tbh he's a little to excited

Not only does it do it for him (more on that later), but he just finds the whole process incredibly interesting.

He's a doctor, after all. And of corse it's his duty as a doctor (and your boyfriend) to take note of your species' behavior

"Would you say you prefer drinking blood straight from the neck or peircing a vein and draining it into a cup?"

"Would you be equally satisfied if drained my own blood into iv bags or is the intimacy a part of the feeding process?"

I feel like once or twice you drank to much from him and he was a bit insistent on monitoring his blood pressure when you fed for a while.

Man, doss he love to resurch you.

He tries his best from experimenting on you.

(Tempting. Very Tempting. But he manages to hold back.)

I like to imagine he tried to take your blood pressure and was surprised to see it was zero.

"Fasinating" He would say

"What did you expect?"

"I'm not sure..."

"Well I AM dead. Blood dosnt exactly flow amymore."

"Tell me more about the whole... being dead thing?"

He asks so many questions it's kind of unbearable at first lmao

I feel like if he knew you were a vampire before you started dating or early in he'd have an easier time opening up to you than a human

People see and treat him as a monster all the time. Him interacting with a literal monster with a thirst for blood no less makes him more comfortable opening up about his strange interests than usual.

"They'd probably get it"

I feel like he's always wanted to drink blood tbh

I mean, he's tasted it. No doubt. When you have such a gory hobby and your gloves somehow always have fresh blood on them, you're bound to get blood in your mouth at some point.

But to actually drink it has never been attempted.

I think one time you're drinking from a blood bag while you both are chilling somewhere, and he just goes, "How does that taste?"

You think it's another round of one of his routine questions and respond something like "it's nice. Refreshing. Irony. Warm. It's kind of like a soup, I guess? It tastes different when you're dead. I can tell you that much." And just keep slurping

"Can i... try it?"

You look at him and after a moment of thinking go "yeah."

You have a feeling he probably won't like it. When you were human, it just tasted like blood. Blood is blood. But when you were turned. When your body died and now ran on dark supernatural forces. When the only thing that could keep these dark forces thriving and preserving your mortal vessel was the warm essence of what once lived. It tasted different. This new way of life (or after life) gave you new senses. New flavors, new colors, new sounds. Suddenly, blood, raw organs. It tastes good.

He took a sip. He took a moment to think. Then he took another, longer sip. And his response

"I think I like it."

It was by no means his favorite drink, nor was it something he drank frequently. But on occasion, he did. Mostly with you, but he'd find himself occasionally sipping on it while at work or home alone.

Also he probably just smells like blood most of the time

Like not strongly of it, for a human, it's noting more than a subtle after note but for a vampire such as yourself, senses heightened and all that, it's easier to recognize and find it quite enjoyable.

I feel like if your a sun sensitive vampire he'd give you his coat alot.

He's a large man with a larger coat.

If you worry about the sun he'd take it off and drape it around you, more often than not placing the shoulders of it on top of your head. Letting the shadow of his large coat cover all of you.

Also I like to imagine he sharpens your Fangs every now and then for you if you ask

I like to imagine you both rob Graves together lmao

Pet names. i can't think of many good vampire ones, but i like "meine süße Fledermaus" (my sweet bat) and "Königin/König der Nacht" (queen/king of the night)

Sexual

He really has a thing for being bitten, man.

He's sadomasochistic, and man, does the masochism really show around you.

He loves being used as a blood bag in the heat of it all.

When His senses are nearing the point of extreme and you bite into his neck or shoulder or chest

Lawd have mercy the moans your about to hear.

That feeling of sex mixed and muddied with pain drives him crazy

Idk how you feel about vampires and religion mixing, but I'm imagining medic likes to have his hands tied up with Rosarys.

Tied up with rosaries and fucked by a force of darkness?

I feel like hes kind of into Catholic guilt sex if that makes sense?

Again, depending on how you imagine vampires mix with religion. If you let him, I feel like he'd also like to tie you up with rosaries.

Not just because of the whole power dynamic thing he's into

But like the gothic imagery is hot

Also, blow jobs with Fangs?

He dosnt like getting bit there but like it's the risk that's hot you know?

Like you COULD but you won't.

That's the hot part you know?

Also just like- with your vampiric powers can be useful in bed.

If we're going by Dracula rules.

Super strength, speed, and can change form at will, to grow from large to small?

Now i haven't finished the book so I might get the nuances of this wrong but like... I'm just saying.

Super strength. Can pin him down nice and easy. And as I've stated in my past hc post. If he likes to be hit around nice and good that'll certainly help.

Super speed? Thrusting, bouncing, hand jobs. Enough said.

Can grow and shrink at will? The possibilities of that, man.

Shrink just a tad so he can feel bigger in you

Or larger to tower over him.

(It'll make your dick bigger along with the rest of your body if you've got one, just saying...)

Sorry, I don't have a lot for the sexual portion, I feel like most of what I needed to say was already stated, but I hope you enjoyed it. This was fun to think about. I may update a few more times if I got new ideas. Thank you sm for the request! Tbh I was thinking about writing a medic/vampire a day or two ago and this was great inspiration! Stay batty!

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

New A: I think it makes sense culturally and as GS definition. I would base a def. of lesbian more on long-term relationship/interest in men, though it's varied: 'dating' at 13 is not the same as a relationship in 20+. I would exempt teen one-offs, even sex. I think if a woman had sex with a guy as a teen once (not for attraction), but never crushing on/interested in a guy, she'd be a lesbian, but not GS. Maybe it's not healthy, but it does happen and it wouldn't make sense to me to call her bi.

Hi anon!

You could give yourselves an emoji or a nickname so I can differentiate you all, like in letters to the editor :D

That's interesting that you're saying this because yesterday I started writing a post to explain that wanting sex for bad reasons is different from not wanting sex, and that lesbians wouldn't want sex with men, even for bad reasons that are completely disconnected from attraction. I don't see why/how a lesbian would have sex with a man, it includes so many steps that should be repulsive to her (making out, seeing each other naked, touching each other...) that it doesn't make sense to be able to completely go through with it.

About the long-term interest criteria, it's exactly why so many polilez and bi women married to women wrongfully call themselves lesbians: "I've been with this woman for a long time, I want to be with her forever and have no intention of cheating on her with a man, so I'm not bisexual anymore, I'm a lesbian!" I've even seen fakebians calling actual lesbians incels because we're lonelier and they are married to a woman, so they are better lesbians than us. I've also known bi women who have never dated men because they clearly prefer women, that doesn't make them lesbians, because they are still attracted to men. Add to that the fact that many bi women have what they call a "bi cycle" where their preference fluctuates with time, that's how you end up with a bi woman who had sex with guys in her teens, calls herself a lesbian in early adulthood because her preference changes, then goes back to men later 😅

Trauma, hormonal changes and medication that affect libido can also have an impact on their preference (thinking of the bi tradwives who say birth control made them lesbians in college, trans-identified people and detransitioners who say testosterone changed their sexual orientation, etc.) Calling a woman bisexual because she had sexual experiences with both men and women makes sense in my opinion.

We shouldn't forget that bisexuality includes a very wide spectrum of experiences, that doesn't mean we should include some of them in homosexuality.

[nothorses]

Oh god, thank you, like if we did assume anon comes from a good place we understand where anon comes from but also like...yea nothings going to help if we don't like, Have A Replacement and you definitely know more than us about this one.

If it's alright to ask: we're wondering if you have any sort of knowledge that could be passed onto us (and others in a situation like ours) to mitigate that?

For more specific context, people definitely sing their praises to IEPs a lot and we saw someone mention them somewhere, but we have very unfortunately been on the end of it where it has been used as a vehicle for oppression and ableism anyways (WE PROMISE those twitter threads will be moved here to Tumblr we just haven't done it yet sory sksksk), because we had abusive parents who were "only" emotionally abusive if that makes sense.

We understand IEPs are helpful to lots of folks but it can be isolating as all fuck when praise is all people do rather than look at some of the tiny nuances or the ways people use it to keep the status quo instead of helping folks. Like how it was used as an extension of Autistic conversion "therapy" / applied behavioral analysis "therapy" when we had to put up with it.

Nutshell/TLDR: how do people use what they have learned to improve education when they didn't really. Learn anything. And how to bring attention to some of the things that nobody wants to talk about without sounding like we're being dismissive. We're so burnt out here when it comes to discussing any education system before university. Please share your wisdom (but only if you want to)!

I am not like, The Expert here, but I will offer some thoughts! Just take them with a grain of salt; I don't know everything, and I could always be missing things.

I will say that IEPs/504 plans are of particular interest to me right now, and imo, the problem is pretty broad and pretty deep.

My own personal context is that my brother was diagnosed with ADHD before even starting school, was put in SpEd early on, and had some pretty traumatic experiences because of that (we picked him up from school once to find him in an isolation room- a closet with one bulletproof window in the door carpeted floor-to-ceiling- because he had acted out in class. In first grade). He believed wholeheartedly that he was incapable of controlling himself, and he developed extremely low self-esteem. I don't know if no diagnosis would have been any better for him, but his diagnosis and "accommodations" (iirc he had an IEP) actively did him harm.

I, on the other hand, was not diagnosed with ADHD until I was 22, and I had to go out and do it myself. I had struggled with school my whole life, I had been in shouting matches with my mom about it, I have trauma about it, and I developed a different kind of low self-esteem around being told I was "choosing" to fail. Once I was medicated, my grades suddenly shot up, my GPA shot up, and I got into a pretty damn good grad school about it. I'm left wondering how things might have been different for me if I'd been understood as someone who was trying but struggling, and who needed support, rather than someone who was not trying at all.

I also don't think it's reasonable to expect that every disabled kid is going to be identified by the system, which is what most teachers seem to think is the issue: that they aren't good enough at armchair diagnosing 6-year-olds yet. It's just not gonna happen. Someone will be missed, and they shouldn't have to struggle alone because nobody else realized what they were struggling with.

Imo, what we need to be pushing for most urgently is universal accommodations, available without any need for diagnosis, disclosure, or anything else: Buckets of fidgets kids can grab whenever, alternative seating options, built-in breaks and frequent snacks, no penalties for late work/tardiness/absences, no graded tests, etc. (I would also like to see more project-based learning & growth-oriented grading, personally!)

As far as learning more: I can recommend some readings to start, and I'll link them here. They're also pretty dense; the grad school recommendation is to read the intro and conclusion in full, and just read the first and last sentence of every paragraph aside from that.

Here's the big folder (which I need to update) of all of the education-related readings I have ever been assigned. I recommend specifically searching "disability" and "democratic"/"democracy"; those will probably be the most relevant to what you're interested in.

Some good starting points:

Leonardo, Broderick (2011) - Smartness as Property: A Critical Exploration of Intersections Between Whiteness and Disability Studies

Carolen, Guinn (2007) - Differentiation: Lessons from Master Teachers

Alverman (2001) - Reading Adolescents' Reading Identities: Looking Back to See Ahead

Veletsianos, Houlden (2020) - Radical Flexibility and Relationality as Responses to Education in Times of Crisis

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Pursuer-distancer roles & attachment style in Utsukushii Kare, Part 1: Hira

Note: As I write this, only the first episode of season 2 has been released. This is based on season 1, episode 1 of season 2, and (sparingly) on translated bits of the novel that I’ve read. There seem to be some issues with the current subtitles so impressions could change as better fansubs come out or if streaming ones are improved. I’m watching the show on Viki so any quoted dialogue is from their subs.

I wrote about pursuer-distancer dynamics in this previous post. Now I’m going to dig deeper into how they play out in Utsukushii Kare. I recommend checking out the more detailed explanation of pursuer and distancer roles in that post, but I’ll give a super concentrated summary now as well.

So, a pursuer-distancer dynamic in a relationship occurs when one person takes on the role of emotionally pursuing while the other takes on the role of emotionally distancing. These roles are deeply interrelated—they rely on each other in order to work. It’s difficult to sit with the fact that we both crave intimacy and fear it/need some degree of independence. But that difficulty can be avoided if one person expresses all the need for closeness in a relationship while the other expresses all the need for independence. Neither of these strategies really work, but they are meant to fail, at least partially. It’s a “careful what you wish for” situation. If pursuers got all of the intimacy they seek, they’d be overloaded, and if distancers got all the space they asked for, they’d be lonely. Hence the part where they rely on one another to work, to help them fail in the ways they need to.

(Screenshot via MDL by ruiLIKK)

In many ways, Hira is the epitome of a pursuer. I think it’s what makes him fit the role of a seme so well despite constantly putting himself in a subservient position and even refusing direct overtures from Kiyoi. Like most pursuers, Hira seems to want closeness with the person he loves but his covert fears of intimacy and need for independence cause him to sabotage his own efforts. What’s less typical are some of the strategies he uses both to seek intimacy and covertly avoid it, as I’ll talk about more below. 

Pursuers are often people with a preoccupied (or “anxious”) attachment style. In Attachment in Psychotherapy, David Wallin describes preoccupied patients as people whose formative experiences taught them that the best way to get their needs met was by “mak[ing] their own distress too conspicuous to ignore.” This would make sense for Hira. His parents (portrayed more in the novels than the show) seem to be disengaged most of the time, but they spring into action when they get worried (a prime example is when they take him to see a medical provider about his stutter and buy him an expensive camera). By the time of the main story, he mostly seems to mask his distress so they’ll leave him alone. But at that point, those early experiences have already had their effect.

Hira’s experiences with peers have been uniformly terrible, and they are also a type of formative experience. As I’ve said, it’s commonplace to have a fear of intimacy as well as a desire for it. But Hira’s history with people his own age would definitely worsen his fears of being close to others. At the same time, these same negative experiences and the fears they’ve created have isolated him, making his need for intimacy even more acute. Like I said in my previous post, Hira is intensely ambivalent about intimacy. (So is Kiyoi, but that’ll have to wait for part 2.)

In his discussion of preoccupied attachment, Wallin goes on to say that the making-distress-conspicuous approach to getting needs met renders the preoccupied person “hypervigilant for actual or imagined signs that a relationship partner might be disapproving, withdrawn, or rejecting.” Yep, this is classic Hira.

As much as possible, Hira interprets everything that Kiyoi says or does negatively—as meaning that Kiyoi doesn’t love him, won’t stay with him, won’t meet his needs, and could never approve of him. If necessary, he’ll create a reason for concern out of nothing. 

When you see Kiyoi making this face and his hair starts billowing in a mysterious breeze, you’re inside Hira’s mind witnessing a complete fabrication. (Screenshot via MDL by doramasaurusrex)

At the same time, Hira definitely pursues Kiyoi. His relentless staring communicates his interest. He takes every opportunity to be around Kiyoi. When he gets to communicate with Kiyoi privately, he’s all compliments and reverence. His willingness to do whatever it takes to be near Kiyoi, even behave like a servant, is also a form of pursuit. But, like all pursuers, he has built-in safeguards against accidentally getting (too much of) the intimacy he wants but also fears:

First, he chose a seemingly unattainable object. When Hira first fell for Kiyoi, he wasn’t aware of all the reasons Kiyoi might actually be capable of returning his feelings. Even setting aside his negative bias, he had every rational reason to believe that Kiyoi was unlikely to ever love him back.

By the time it turns out that Kiyoi may not be completely out of his reach, Hira has had a chance to observe his distancing tendencies. Just choosing a distancer as a potential partner is a way of decreasing the risk that you’ll get more than you bargained for by pursuing them. 

Next, when Kiyoi builds a kind of friendship with him and even kisses him on graduation day, he changes his phone number. Perhaps he really is unaware that he can replace his submerged phone without changing his number. But personally, I really wonder if a part of him did this intentionally. At the very least, he could still have asked about keeping his number or tried to contact Kiyoi to give him the new one. He had real reason to hope Kiyoi might like him back (if nothing else, the kiss!) and whether by neglect or (on some level) intentionally, he made further contact impossible.

The most pervasive and destructive way that Hira sabotages his own efforts at intimacy with Kiyoi is through his distorted thoughts, including the biased interpretations and pure fabrications I mentioned above. He creates a narrative that says that:

Kiyoi is permanently superior to him, rendering him permanently out of reach

To whatever extent he does attain intimacy with Kiyoi, or even seek it, this is a kind of crime against nature (“touching a god”) that will undoubtedly cause some kind of unstoppable cosmic misfortune as a punishment,

Relatedly, any intimacy with Kiyoi can only be temporary.

This last factor leads me to one other thing I should mention. I was thinking about how I’d conceptualize Hira’s personality. I looked at my favorite book on the subject, Nancy McWilliams’s Psychoanalytic Diagnosis. I felt like I should check out the chapter on self-defeating/masochistic personality (note: not related to masochistic sexual practices!) but was reminded that people of that type are typically more resentful of what they see as undeserved suffering. Hira, on the other hand, perceives himself as completely deserving to suffer. So I looked at the chapter on depressive personality. The main defense depressive personalities use, McWilliams writes, is introjection: turning any hostile feelings inward toward the self. Much more like Hira. This is totally consistent with his pervasive sense of doom, hopelessness about improving his lot in life, and inability to take in positive comments about himself.

Of course, despite his self-sabotage, Hira does actually want to be close to Kiyoi. And he achieves that, in some ways. Pursuers do want intimacy, as their self-presentation suggests, they just tend to create conditions that decrease the chances they will get as much of it as they claim to want. So Hira sabotages his chances of getting his needs met. And every time he does get close to Kiyoi, he feels like he is adding to his list of crimes or the amount of suffering he’ll have to go through later to make up for any joy he feels. It’s like a form of emotional avoidance that dovetails with his behavioral avoidance.

Take, for example, his thoughts (delivered in voiceover) while on his outing with Kiyoi in S2E1. “They say the amount of happiness one feels is predetermined. In that case I may have only misfortune in my future. Kiyoi might dump me. Kiyoi might hate me. Kiyoi might die before me. What should I do then?” I don’t know who “they” are supposed to be here, but this is not an idea I’ve ever encountered in any culture or religion, except maybe Calvinism or something. It seems like Hira has just seized on a somewhat random idea, but this idea feels true because of his self-defeating narrative. It comes as no surprise, then, that when Hira starts ruminating about these possible future misfortunes, he stops himself from experiencing closeness with Kiyoi in that moment—which does not go unnoticed by Kiyoi. “Don’t live in your own world,” he tells Hira. “We’re hanging out in this one.” It barely seems to register with Hira that Kiyoi looks irritated and hurt. Clearly, Hira’s distractibility and negativity when he’s trying to enjoy his company is painful to him. And again, he has managed not only to detract from his enjoyment of the closeness he has with Kiyoi, but also to sabotage the potential for closeness in the interaction he’s having with Kiyoi in the present.

(Screenshot via MDL by ruiLIKK)

It’s worth noting that a related kind of distorted perception seems to affect Hira in other situations where people are showing an interest in him romantically and/or sexually. Take his interaction with that model at the party in S2E1 for example. He’s extremely gullible when he believes her claim that the other attendees are angry with him and think he’s rude. And though he registers that she’s getting close to him and touching him in a way that makes him uncomfortable, he doesn’t seem to understand that she’s putting the moves on him or that she’s interested in him. He’s beyond surprised when Kiyoi shows him the piece of paper with her phone number that she slipped into his pocket.

Watching that scene, I asked myself if I had just failed to notice before that Hira had a profound lack of social awareness. But then I thought about where this had come up and where it hadn’t. Hira shows social awareness in other situations, like when he observes what goes on between the students in Shirota’s circle in high school. It seems he’s only this clueless when it comes to admitting others might like him. The same happened with Koyama, when Hira seemed unaware that they were on a date. Hira does lack social skills in a lot of ways, but his awareness isn’t that bad except in this area. The main issue seems to be that anyone being attracted to or interested in him is classified as “impossible.” This is how, in S1E6, he not only turned down Kiyoi offering to date him but managed not to remember it ever happened.

That’s it for now on Hira’s side of the equation. I have part 2, on Kiyoi, almost ready to post as well, so that should be up pretty soon. Edited to add: I forgot to include another side of Hira’s pursuing role in his relationship with Kiyoi: pursuing sexual intimacy specifically. We get new information about this aspect of Hira and Kiyoi’s relationship in S2E1 in a couple of scenes. In the opening scene, once Kiyoi is awake, Hira asks if he’s angry with him for being “too persistent” the previous day. We don’t know for certain what this persistence was about, but their mutual shyness about it and Hira’s reference to it being caused by Kiyoi’s cuteness suggest that he was hitting on Kiyoi. We don’t know the outcome of it, though. The other moment happens when, after the incident with the model stirs up Kiyoi’s possessiveness, he (bashfully) announces that he and Hira are going to “do it” that day (resulting in a huge grin from a surprised Hira). It’s interesting—and simultaneously endearing and strange—that on the one hand, he can just decide this for the two of them (assumably because Hira always jumps at the chance), which gives him an air of imperiousness, but on the other, that he’s so uncharacteristically shy about it. Both of these scenes are very consistent with Hira’s role as a pursuer. He seems less ambivalent about this type of closeness than others, but he also seems to respect for Kiyoi’s boundaries (”persistence” notwithstanding). Basically, he seems to be on board with being the one petitioning for sexual contact while Kiyoi acts as more of a gatekeeper.

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 13 – MISSION FIC

AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT: Shi_Toyu

Shi_Toyu's writing never fails to ratchet up the tension before it gives you that sweet, sweet relief of everything resolving itself. I love how they write action, especially with a focus on captivity, and their characterizations always feel really well-balanced.

Here's some of their work that I think you should check out:

Poisonous Presumption

Pairing: Steve/Bucky/Tony Rating: T Words: 5,349 Tags: Assassination Attempt, Hydra, Humor

Summary: This was the worst assignment Davies has ever been given. Sure, it sounded easy upfront – infiltrate the Avengers medical staff and use his access to find weaknesses and sabotage medical treatments – however, it was proving to be anything but. Davies did have medical training and experience, which was part of why Hydra had picked him for this assignment, but the task itself was… complicated. -- When Tony Stark winds up in Avengers medical, an undercover Hydra agent sees the opportunity of a lifetime. It should be easy to tip the balance and send Iron Man into the waiting jaws of death... so why won't he die?

Reasons why I love it: The Avengers foiling HYDRA without even realizing that they're doing it, it's great. The whole concept of this fic is so funny, and I was completely caught off guard by the plot twist at the end. It's good stuff! Definitely check this one out!

Off Duty

Pairing: Steve/Bucky/Tony Rating: T Words: 2,667 Tags: Strippers, Undercover Missions, Secret Identity

Summary: Steve and Bucky go undercover as strippers to catch a human trafficker, only to meet someone they never would have expected. -- Doing his best not to trip in spindly heels, Steve strode toward the pole in the middle of the stage. The worst part of having to parade around in nothing but a thong, he decided, was that he didn’t even get to keep the bills the clientele stuck inside.

Reasons why I love it: I will never not love the 'undercover-as-a-stripper' trope. This fic is so much fun, plus the action is really great. Also, there's some fantastic art by araydre and FancyDragonQueen in this fic that you don't want to miss! Give this one a shot, it's amazing!

Too Close (Not Nearly Enough)

Pairing: Bucky/Tony Rating: M Words: 10,051 Tags: Captivity, Brainwashing, Sharing Body Heat

Summary: Several months after the events of Civil War, Tony is attacked and captured by an old enemy with a new face. As if things weren't bad enough, he's not exactly thrilled to find out who his cellmate is, either.

Reasons why I love it: I love this fic so much. Tony and Bucky growing closer because they have a common enemy, only to end up actually liking each other is fantastic. I love how Bucky is protective of Tony from the very beginning, he's such a good guy. This fic is great, and I hope you check it out for yourself!

Hide Your Face, Hold My Heart

Pairing: Bucky/Tony Rating: M Words: 5,386 Tags: BAMF Bucky, Secret Identity, Torture

Summary: Bucky had learned early on that life had a way of going to shit on very short notice. As a kid, that had meant running around and goofing off with Stevie only for an asthma attack to come out of seemingly nowhere. During the war, it meant creeping through the wilderness or a town or a base only for bullets to start flying. One minute you could be fighting back to back with your best friend, the next you could be falling to the bottom of a snowy chasm. That was just life.

Reasons why I love it: Identity porn, yuss!! I love how much they're both trying to keep the other safe, and of course the reveal at the end is really satisfying. This fic is fantastic, and I hope you give it a shot!

Out of Intent

Pairing: Bucky/Tony Rating: T Words: 4,036 Tags: Kidnapping, Winter Soldier Bucky, Angst with a Happy Ending

Summary: "Do less out of habit and more out of intent." When the Avengers are captured by Hydra, Bucky must pretend that the Winter Soldier programing is still active. Unfortunately, that means bringing some of Tony's worst fears to life.

Reasons why I love it: Aww, the last line is so sweet. It makes up for how painful the rest is, oofff, it hurts so good. I love the whole premise, and the writing just makes it all feel so tense and awful in the best possible way. This fic is amazing, and I highly encourage you to read it!

[sauntervaguelydown]

☠ and ⋆ for Prowl

what a winning combo, drinking and sex

IDW Prowl strikes me as that type of straightedge person who can't stand being out of control and doesn't like drinking because it undermines his sense of self to do Out of Character Things While Drunk TM. In a humanformers setting, this makes him extremely bad at most forms of casual socializing and friendly work culture. I think he's also the type to be a bit superior about it, and judge regular drinkers especially hard. He knows the medical definition of alcoholism and he will tell you what it is. I kind of think Prowl is like.... the worst. To try and casually interact with. I've known arrogant people and they are just the worst, even when you love them. This level of rigidity might or might not have to do with traumatic early life experiences, who's to say.

If he did drink I think he would drink those terrible spicy bitter drinks that I hate. I think of him as a black coffee drinker too. He's a bourbon whiskey & scotch guy. But I seriously don't think he drinks to get drunk--if he does drink to get drunk, it's a sign that something is really wrong and he will have a crisis about it later.

Whereas I knew the answer to "drinking" immediately, I'm less firmed up on the other thing. I've stared at this sentence for two minutes before realizing I chose a bad adjective but I'm not changing it now.

So I think it's very easy to read Prowl in the IDW setting as a gay man living in a homophobic society and apply relevant tropes and narratives based on that. Ambiguous sexual relationships, unspoken words, getting experience where you can get it because you don't know what the future holds. Despite the arrogance in some respects of his personality, I think that he always Wants to Do a Good Job at whatever he's put his mind to, and he is very serious about doing the work to earn that status of Good Job Doer. So I think he tries very hard at sex, and probably defaults to focusing on the other person even past the point where he might actually be losing interest in the sex itself.

I guess we don't talk about this very much in fandom but there's a specific experience of like---okay so I basically think Prowl has a tendency to accidentally make himself a stone top? Especially in any setting where he's not a cis gay human man. Like in any other context and also in that one when it's relevant, I think he has a tendency to just set "getting orgasms out of partner" as his objective and keep plugging away at that objective well after the point where his own interest has kind of flagged, and not doing anything to get himself back into it. So he's having sex that is kind of good on a level of "accomplishing goals", but bad on the level of "hey wasn't this supposed to be a group activity? because you just showed up with the whole completed project and put my name on it"

I just realized this is probably and experience that allosexual people don't really have, so I think I just backwards talked myself into making him ace spectrum? Okay I guess. Didn't come here to do that but it works.

[goodluckclove]

WIP Tag Game!

Whoa tagged again by the brilliant @ivaspinoza! Check her out if you're down for what I imagine to be some intense bloodsucking existentialism!

I'll do this for all of Songbird Elegies as a whole. I'm on book two right now - Blind Trust comes out June 20th!

Read below to hear some things about the origins of the series that I haven't actually said yet and probably won't say again.

1. What was the first part of your wip that you created?

Funny story! I hadn't written anything tangible for months since leaving my terrible copyrighting job. I was absolutely miserable. I ended up leaving my second job because of a medication problem and spent a week in bed detoxing off of Seroquel withdrawal - bad bad don't do that if you can help it. After that I fell into recovery and just had no idea what to do with my days.

The turning point was when I sent an email going fully no-contact with my across-the-board abusive parents. They did some awful things across the course of my life and I'm still spending a good chunk of time making up for their ridiculous medical neglect. I might need throat surgery because of them. Not great! But anyways, I sent that email and wrote the first 15 pages of Blind Trust later that day, sitting on the floor while my wife took a nap on the couch. It just came out. Wife said they liked it so I just kept going.

Three months and two data losses later and the first draft was done!

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

I have so many Songbird Elegy playlists oh my God. It's hard to say, and the answer will change, but right now it's "Love Me, Normally" by Will Wood.

3. Who are your favourite characters you've made? Why?

They're all very important to me for different reasons. Scott is the one I tend to talk about the most because he captures a lot of mania and upbeat romanticism, qualities of myself that I value despite the obvious faults. Edgar is just as important, but they represent a lot of my current struggles and I'm doing a lot of healing and processing through them which is good but less - you know - fun?

Tenzin reminds me of my wife with her quiet stoicism. Katy reminds me of my older sister and everything she sacrificed to keep me and my siblings alive. She's more of a mother to me than my own mother. My sister is actually the first person to finish Blind Trust after I finished it.

4. What other pieces of media do you think would share a fan base for your story?

Disco Elysium maybe? Griffin and Sabine - has anyone else read that? The Witcher, but specifically the novels? Requiem for a Dream for later books. Tales of the City in terms of tone and character focus. Fleet Foxes and Hoizer and early Decemberists?

Good, warm soup. If you like a bowl of good, warm soup, you will enjoy Songbird Elegies.

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your wip?

Definitely Edgar's arc. Their experience with their metaphorical (or are they??) inner child and the abuse they've been working to escape and recover from has been hard to look at directly. Especially once I introduced Scott's mother, who's turned into a weird mix of the maternal figure I wish I had and the one I feel I could've been if I chose that path.

Yesterday I found myself writing how I wish it went when my wife met my parents, through Scott and Edgar meeting Scott's mom. The sharing of parental pride and affection despite potential embarrassment. It's a cute scene, but there's a lot of grief in there for me. I wonder if it'll show.

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

Wilford Brimley is Katy's pet Persian cat. He is old and weird and a little fucked up. I had to edit his introduction in Blind Trust because it was six (small) paragraphs and Wife told me that was unreasonable (skill issue), but I can include some canon info:

He shoves his paw under the bathroom door while people are in the bathroom

He likes feet

Edgar sometimes shares little bits of cheese with him

Once he fell asleep in Edgar's lap but then peed in his lap and just kept sleeping in the piss

Edgar treat him like a weird cousin he has to make conversation with during holidays

Wilford thinks he's his brother and an equally fucked up cat

7. How do your characters get around? (ex: trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.)

Cars mostly! Edgar has a shitty used car that's always close to breaking down. Katy has a newer car that's still used, but she takes very good care of it - I think it's a Fiat. I think Tenzin probably uses the car Scott's Dad left behind after he died, which is a vintage Cadillac convertible that Scott's Mom fixed up.

Scott is the only one without a license since he essentially has a magical dissociative disorder and hasn't yet felt safe behind the wheel. In Blind Trust he's taken every form of public transit to cross the country. I think when he was younger he used to skateboard to get around Bluerose.

8. What part of your wip are you working on rn?

I'm close to 40k into book two!

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe?) of your wip do you think will draw people in?

I have hopes that people will enjoy the tenderness of it. I'm like a reverse-whump ace writer, in that I've written a series that's aggressively pro-comfort and recovery. People start off in pretty sorry states and then make the difficult effort to put themselves and each other back together.

There's explicit ace representation in Scott and aroace rep in Katy (she doesn't know it yet though shhh). Edgar comes out as Agender and changes pronouns midway into the series, but still keeps presenting as androgynous/masc leaning. There's diversity in body types and gender identities in a way that feels warranted to me - Scott has Klinefelter's and grew up taking T, and he made a best friend that came out so she could take her E with him. Same goes with disabilities in prominent characters, though the main four focus on what I have personal experience in.

As a disabled queer writer I hope to make a series that tells a fantastical story about people like me that doesn't pander specifically to my market.

10. What are your hopes for your wip?

I hope people read it. I hope they like it. It'd be cool if I could talk to people about it. I've been pretty deep in the Songbird Elegy fandom for some time now haha.

On a more serious note I hope there's a market for non-sexualized romances that are still hyper intimate. I know I'm into it but I'm still not sure if other people are. I'd like to create more media about positive and fulfilling ace relationships, both romantic and platonic. I'm tired of people seeing that type of life as a loss. Any healthy companionship is not a loss.

I want people to read Songbird Elegies and think about the love in their lives and in themselves. All of it, in every way. Yeah.

I tag @ryns-ramblings! I wanna hear about your thing!