#Did Spotify just call me mentally ill?

[very-gay-poet]

Well……

that checks out

Since I showed you mine against your will you have to tag me in yours!

[lovesickheize]

darkness and emptyness ⭑ ⸱៰ ͘ ࣭⸰ 𖥔

nakamoto yuta x gn!reader

who would have thought you'd find an equally messed up soul lying at the beach on a cold january night just like you? well apparently you did~

▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔༺ ᨦ♡ᨩ༻▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔ྀ̥̊͝ཾ▔

wc: 934

tw!: this fic touches a lot of sensitive topics and can be very straight forward. mentions of su1cide and mental illnesses like anxiety and e4ting dis0rders are frequent and the mental instability of the 2 main characters (yuta and the reader) is the main topic. i wrote this fic in an attempt to escape from my own darkness and emptyness since yuta is the only idol i genuinely feel comfortable with and personally i think he is the only idol that would never judge someone about anything, so i view him as a comfort idol. this is purely fictional.

an: this playlist includes all the songs that match my aesthetic and make me feel safe. it also matches 100% this fic~ please listen to it while reading this if you want to immerse yourself in the concept and honestly my mental illness lol.

⊱ ─────────ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ───────── ⊰

when all else fails, you still have that isolated beach in the middle of nowhere and a spotify premium account.

you were lying on the cold sand, airpods in, ignoring the piercing breeze of the dark mid january night. life was falling apart. something that you'd call a habit, a daily occurrence, at this point. but this time, it was really falling apart. not even your favourite zero coke could make you feel a bit better. not even the cigarette between your reddened by the cold lips. it was terrible. you would cry if there were any tears left in your body. but those ran out months ago. your dry skin and your dehydrated body couldn't even produce new tears. your physical health was falling apart along with your mental health. and your life.

so there you were. recognizing an escape in the isolated beach you found a couple of months ago. "your spot" as you called it. your safe place. away from your family, your non existent friends, school, life. away from everything and nothing, an escape from your misery. your thoughts, your overthinking tendencies, anything that made you even more miserable than you already were. they couldn't reach you there. it was your safe place.

your airpods were playing your favourite songs. no, not the depressing ones people liked to listen to when sad. you couldn't understand those people. you liked the dark slow songs, the ones that could match your misery's aesthetic.

your eyelashes were heavy, unlike your empty soul. you couldn't even feel sad. you closed your tired eyes, dark circles not visible under the faded light. the moon was covered by clouds and the stars weren't enough. you found comfort in the silence of that specific night. it felt as if the universe was trying to stand by your side through another one of those eternal nights of no tomorrow.

suddenly you felt a presence next to you. not caring enough to see what was happening, you just took another puff of your semi finished cigarrete. the person next to you didn't move at all, you almost forgot they were there until you heard a voice.

you opened your eyes, acknowledging a man's figure next to yours. < i thought you'd need this > he repeated, offering you a can of some drink. you checked the refreshment, noticing it's your favourite zero coke. < much appreciated > you said, flashing a tiny smile to the man in front of you.

you both sat on the sand, facing the calm water of the sea, while drinking your cola. a couple of moments of silence passed, until the man broke the peace and quiet. < life's treating you like a bitch too, isn't it? >

you turned your head towards him. < you too? > you asked him. you'd lie if you said he didn't look as terrible as you did. messy hair, dark undereye circles, wrinkled tshirt... same vibes. you looked at each other for a moment and laughed. you were both at a dead end with life.

< do you come here often? > you were now facing the slight waves again. they were so subtle, you'd swear they were just shy. < only when my thoughts totally fuck me up > he replied. there was a hint of tiredness in his voice. < i thought this was just a me thing to be honest > you sarcastically added.

< what about you? > he continued, curious as to why you seemed so messed up. < they want to put me in a psychiatric hospital since as they say 'i am not willing to try to get better' > you replied half hearted. you had never opened up to anyone unforced. the nameless man in front of you was probably not the one you should talk to about such stuff, but it somehow felt like he was someone that would understand you to the bone.

< oh. > was all he said before he let the silence take over for some moments. < home feeds my overthinking tendencies and my anxiety. every day feels repetitive and as if there's no purpose in anything i do or try to achieve > he added emotionlessly. he definitely felt the same emptyness as you. it was obvious you were on the same page.

< how did you know i like zero coke? >

< i've actually seen you here before. it was on christmas eve, you had at least 5 empty cans by your side. >

you laughed miserably once again. < eating disorder? > he asked. < yeah. and a lot of other ones, but this is the main one to be frank >

he looked at you with the same empty look. you did so as well. < thank you for getting me that coke by the way. the zero calorie one. i really appreciated it. > you told him, a bit of gratefulness in your tone. he could tell you were genuine.

he smiled at you. a tired smile, but still a smile.

< i'm yuta >

< i'm y/n >

and seconds later one of his hands was cupping your cheek, lips softly sucking yours. you kissed him back, eager for something to feel, eager for a moment of love, even of you didn't exactly know the person that was offering the feeling you were so desperately in need of. it felt genuine, just like your words.

his other hand was caressing your back, making you feel warm under the cold winter breeze.

kissing an equally messed up soul on this january night when your life fell apart so abruptly would be your last memory. bittersweet, isn't it?

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

This might not go anywhere and people may not listen to me, but I’ll share anyway.

I’m aware a lot of people don’t like Nickelback or pretend not to, but there’s a specific song that fits the current state of the world (Palestinian genocide, Russia calling LGBT+ people deranged terrorists, U.S. states trying to eradicate trans people from public life entirely, etc.).

When We Stand Together.

“There’s bullets flying over there; we watch it happen, and then just turn it off.”

Give it a listen on YouTube:

or on Spotify:

This is the vibe right now. This is how the state of the world feels. Remember,

“United we stand, divided we fall.”

The infighting (‘LGB without the T’, enbyphobia from binary trans people, “but let’s listen to Israel’s defense first”, etc.) makes us weaker.

We need to stop doing their work for them. We need to be aware of propaganda (systematic gaslighting) and cringe culture and identity policing.

If we have to fight for our right to live, to thrive, to exist in public....then let’s fight. Don’t lay down your arms and point fascists, neo-Nazis, etc. in the direction of others.

[Photo ID: a black and red background with white text. “First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a Trade Unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” Quote is attributed to “Martin Niemöller (1892-1984), a Protestant pastor who opposed Adolf Hitler and spent the last 7 years of Nazi rule in concentration camps.” (/end ID)]

“[...]Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Eradication like this is systematic.

They won’t spare you either.

There’s a reason the phrase is “divide and conquer”. There is strength in community, in intersectionality.

I’m tired of watching infighting and debates and arguments. If you don’t support a free Palestine, if you don’t support all LGBT+ people (yes even the ones you find annoying), if you don’t support Russian LGBT+ people, if you believe the Palestinian Genocide is a complicated war/conflict (where if Palestine stopped fighting there would be peace, not total eradication), if you believe drug addicts and mentally ill people are weak or lazy, if you believe BBIMP/BIPOC don’t deserve justice & don’t believe in prison abolition, if you don’t believe women and all living people (trans, BIPOC/BBIMP, women, AFAB, etc.) deserve the right to govern their own body and make their own medical choices, if you don’t believe the whole system is flawed and functioning as designed— if you won’t stand for and with us all, please block us and get off this page.

“I would rather be excluded for who I include, than included for who I exclude.”

Any hateful comments, asks, etc. will be blocked and deleted without hesitation.

Freedom for everyone, or we all lose. It’s time for a revolution.

~Nico (he/they)

[apricusapollo]

did spotify just call me mentally ill

[antlerqueer]

You've been a fan of Dove since... and why?

Do you own any of her merch?

BTW what other kinds of music do you like listening to?

I've been a fan since like 2017? I had a Descendants phase in my early 20s, and i thought she was super cute and had a great musical theater voice. I learned more about her between the movies because I needed something to fill my time and she had the most content for me to go through, so I watched Liv & Maddie and did some general like... Interview watching and what-not.

I really love her voice and presence, and I think her growth is incredible. She's gone through a lot of trauma and, as someone else who has gone through trauma, it's nice to see someone who's open about the ups and downs of mental illness. It's also really nice that she's open to being called out; there was a photoshoot she'd done where she had worn a headdress that looked like it was inspired by an indigenous headdress, and she reached out to the publication to take the image down, apologized, and donated/shared links to indigenous orgs to donate to.

I don't have any official Dove merch, but I've seen her in concert twice! I held her hand at the first show I went to and then she moved to NYC bc she was so in love with me (not at all for other reasons that are realistic and factual).

As for other music, I honestly go through phases! I'm pretty open to most music but I do end up back in the pop sphere. Right now I've been listening to a lot of Reneé Rapp, and I've got Beyonce, Megan thee Stallion, and Carly Rae Jepsen mixed in there. I was into Kailee Morgue for a bit! She was one of my top artists last year. I generally will fall back on the 00s classics, my bread and butter so to speak. Some other artists I've been into: Britney Spears of course, NSYNC, The Killers, Arctic Monkeys, The Weeknd, Lady Gaga (mostly just The Fame/Monster) Nicki Minaj/generally Young Money but mostly Nicki (mostly in high school/early college, so like late 00s early 10s), Panic! At the Disco, some Olivia Rodrigo stuff, and then a few scattered songs by Hayley Kiyoko, Hey Violet, Metric, Bea Miller, Billie Eilish, Chloe x Halle (and Chloe Bailey separately), Charli XCX, Troye Sivan.

In 2021-2022 I had a LOT of randomly selected songs from those Weekly Playlists that Spotify puts together, too!

[tabsters]

Q & A WITH THE ZODIACS!!

all questions submitted by @mythicalmagical-monkeyman, thank you for all of them!

if anyone else wants to submit asks about the zodiacs for a part two, you're more than welcome to! (aka: please do i love answering asks @mythicalmagical-monkeyman @hyperfixation-tangentopia)

previous posts are here

LETS GET INTO IT!!

Which zodiacs would start a podcast?

Leo: Starting a podcast sounds fun! Gemini: I wanna talk into a microphone for three hours and have people listen to me on spotify!

Who would HATE musical numbers?

Capricorn: I walk into the room and I hear this shit- Aquarius: NOW HAMILTON'S SKILL WITH THE QUILL IS UNDENIABLE, Gemini: BUT WHAT DO WE HAVE IN COMMON? Leo: WE'RE RELIABLE WITH THE- Aquarius, Gemini, Leo: LAAAAADIES!! Capricorn: I am in hell.

Who would train raccoons to take out the trash?

Gemini, holding up a raccoon while several more walk around her feet: And this is McChonkers, and this is Zuzu, and this is Boops, and this is Tom! Cancer: ...Very nice, dear, but...where did you find all of them? Sagittarius: Aquarius abducted them from the mortal realm. Aquarius: Strictly for scientific purposes.

What would be all the zodiacs go to Halloween costumes?

Aries: Everyone tells me I look like JD from Heathers...so I guess JD? Taurus: Isabela from Encanto. She's pretty. Gemini: Slenderman. No, I will not elaborate. Cancer: A pirate. Yo ho ho. Leo: Hmmm, depends. I mean, I can just shapeshift into anybody, so whatever I'm feeling at Halloween, I suppose. Virgo: Some obscure goddess from the book Gemini's writing. Libra: A fairy. Mostly because I already have butterfly wings and a large amount of flowy dresses. Scorpio: Hobie Brown. He's so fucking cool. Sagittarius: Sapnap from the Dream SMP! AND IF ANY OF YOU FUCKWADS MAKE FUN OF ME, I SWEAR TO GOD- Capricorn: A witch. I mean, Gemini says I'm already one- Aquarius: Hatsune Miku. Will I explain? No. Pisces: Kuchisake-onna. Do not google her unless you want nightmares.

Who would spend to much money on lego?

Scorpio: Gemini and Aquarius aren't allowed to go to the Mortal Realm anymore, not after they spent FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS ON LEGOS. Gemini: WE HAD TO BUY THE ENTIRE LEGO ARCHITECTURE SET!

Who'd be on tumblr?

Aquarius: I've been on it since 2015. Gemini: I use it, but I'm more of a TikTok girlie. Scorpio: I came here for aesthetic moodboards and left mentally ill.

Who'd be on twitter?

Aries: Only on here for the memes. Leo: Hehe funny bird app. Sagittarius: I'm on here for threadfics and fanart. Capricorn: I got into a fight with a terf on Twitter because she called my fiancee a slur.

And who'd be on youtube?

Libra: Libra: Welcome back to my unboxing video-

Who has the worst hygiene?

Cancer: Virgo, darling, when was the last time you showered? Virgo: Cancer: When was the last time you changed your clothes? Virgo: Cancer: When was the last time you brushed your teeth? Virgo: Cancer: Cancer: Amor, please-

What's everone's favorite movies?

Aries, Scorpio, Gemini: Across the Spiderverse!! Taurus: Onward. I love fantasy movies. Cancer, Virgo: Breakfast at Tiffany's. Leo: The Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Libra: To All The Boys I've Loved Before. Sagittarius: Crazy Rich Asians. I watch it religiously. Capricorn: Everything Everywhere All at Once. Aquarius: Movies are overrated, embrace musicals. Pisces: Big Hero Six. Do not laugh.

Eclipse is a girlboss.

Eclipse: Thank you!! Eclipse: *Headbobs aggresively so that the shades on her head fall down over her eyes*

What are Eclipse's henchmen's favorite sports?

Perseus: Football. And no, it's not sOcCeR, like you Americans say. Orion: Badminton. Especially when I hit Percy in the face with a birdie. Hercules: Uhhhh, wrestling. Orion: Yeah, that's cause you get to be half naked and I get to watch you pin down Percy with your enormous *gets slapped*

What is a fun fact about Eclipse?

Eclipse: Every fact about me is a fun fact! Perseus: She decapitated her father.

What's the most normal thing Eclipse has done?

Hercules: She woke us all up at two am to show us a funny meme.

Out of the zodiacs:

Who likes apple cider and who likes hot chocolate?

Aries: Apple cider. Taurus: Why not both? Gemini: Oooh, hot chocolate! Cancer: Virgo makes very good cider. Leo: Spiked apple cider is good. Virgo: I make cider. Libra: Hot cocoa with whipped cream and marshmallows. Scorpio: Hot chocolate. Sagittarius: What happens if you combine them? Capricorn: Neither of them. Tea. Aquarius: Apple cider, I suppose. But it feels wrong to drink apple cider in any season besides Autumn. Pisces: Hot chocolate.

Out of the zodiacs who do u relate to the most?

Oooh, definitely Sagittarius cause I based him off my experiences as a second generation Asian American. I also relate to Aquarius a large amount because I based her off of my experiences as a mentally burnt out gifted kid.

Which zodiac was the hardest to characterize and come up with stuff for?

Probably Virgo, followed by Pisces. I based the Zodiacs off of people I know, and three of my best friends are Virgos, so it was kind of hard trying to mash all of their personalities together to form one Libra. Pisces was hard because I wanted to subvert the trope of all Pisceans being shy and passive, but I also accidentally made him a literal psycho in the process. Whoops.

I'ma a Virgo sooooooooooo

What is Virgo's go to outfit?

Virgo: Normally, I wear sweaters and leggings, sometimes fancy dresses if there's an official meeting I must attend. Occassionally, I allow Gemini to make flower crowns for me.

What's her favorite country?

Virgo: Longue vie à la France. (Long live France.)

What's her favorite plant?

Virgo: I like peonies and hyacinths best.

Does she have glasses?

Virgo: Only reading glasses!

What's her favorite era of history?

Virgo: Does one usually have a favorite era of history? I suppose medieval France, as that was the time period I lived in.

Which zodiac is the most inappropriate?

Leo: CHOKE ME LIKE YOU HATE ME BUT YOU LOVE ME- Libra: N O Gemini: LOW KEY WANNA DATE ME WHEN YOU FUCK ME- Aquarius: S T O P Sagittarius: TOUCH ME WITH THE LIGHTS OFF AND MY CHAINS ON- Aries: W H Y

Who's going to go cliff jumping?

Sagittarius: Time to YEET myself off a cliff!! Gemini: TAKE ME WITH YOUUUUUUU Leo: WHEEEE!!!

Eclipse's henchmen are totally himbos so which Kronk quotes are they?

Eclipse: I'd say only Hercules is a himbo, Orion's more of a twink and Perseus is a Tumblr sexyman, but if you insist! Eclipse: Perseus is “The nightmare began on a day like any other. Actually, that would make it a daymare, but I digress.” Eclipse: Orion is "Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!" Eclipse: And Hercules is "The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen specifically for Kuzco. Kuzco's poison."

Which zodiac would throw cheese and at who?

Leo: Hahaha, everyone point and laugh at the poor lactose intolerant person! Sagittarius: If you throw any more babybel cheese at me, I will- Leo: YEET

Who's the best at ruling their kingdom?

All Zodiacs: Me, obviously.

Who would watch LMK and would they like it?

Gemini, sobbing: MK MY GUY YOU NEED A BREAK POOR BABY Sagittarius: SUN WUKONG NOOOOOOOO YOUR TRAUMA NOOOOOO Scorpio: MEI YOU'RE A BADASS AND A GIRLBOSS KEEP IT UP!!

Who's the parent that would give the other zodiacs the shirt off their back?

Aries: Cancer Gemini: Virgo Leo: Cancer Libra: Virgo Scorpio: Virgo Sagittarius: Capricorn Aquarius: Cancer (Those are the 'Zodiac Crackheads', aka the younger Zodiacs. Pisces could technically be grouped in with them, but he is not a crackhead.)

Who's obsessed with something and would continuously send pictures of their obsession to the group chat?

Scorpio: I SWEAR TO GOD, AQUARIUS, STOP SENDING PICTURES OF MUSHROOMS IN THE GC Aquarius: ONLY WHEN GEMINI AND SAGITTARIUS STOP SENDING LEGO MONKIE KID MEMES

My brain is foggy buuuuuut

u wrote the lmk villains group chat fic right? (yep, that's me!)

and if u did

Would u ever consider writing a zodiac group chat fic?

Ooh, I started writing one when I was in eighth grade, but it's pretty outdated now. Might consider rewriting it though!

Would any zodiacs believe in aliens?

Aquarius: I mean, technically the entirety of the Astral Realm are aliens, so yes, aliens are real. Sagittarius: BUT ALIENS WITH TENTACLES AND MANY EYES ARE DEFINITELY OUT THERE-

Out of all the characters who would go cow tipping?

Gemini, Leo: Hehehe knock over cow Taurus (a cow constellation): Wait wait no- Orion, Hercules, Eclipse: Hehehe push sleeping cow over Perseus: Why-

zodiacs vs baby?

Aries: Holds the baby at arm's length Taurus: Sings a lullaby to the baby Gemini: Holds the baby upside down Cancer: Gives the baby back pats Leo: Shapeshifts to entertain the baby Virgo: Rocks the baby Libra: Accidentally loses track of the baby because she's blind Scorpio: Keeps ten feet away from the baby so he doesn't accidentally sting it Sagittarius: Plays tag with the baby Capricorn: She's been a mom before, so she changes the baby's diaper and puts it down for a nap Aquarius: Thinks it's another speciman for her experiments Pisces: Dropkicks the baby

The theater zodiacs favorite musicals~?

Gemini: Heathers! Leo: Why must you make me pick? *dramatic sigh* Wicked. Aquarius: Hamilton or In The Heights. I like Lin Manuel Miranda.

Which zodiac likes things plain and which one can't eat anything with out at least at least a million toppings on top?

Aries: Gem-Gemini, that's enough toppings- Gemini: *taking a scoop from every single topping container* Fuck you, this is how I want to eat my frozen yogurt and you cannot stop me. Gemini: At least I'm not like Scorpio, bastard likes plain vanilla fro-yo. Scorpio: I have S E N S O R Y I S S U E S.

aaand that's all the questions! if you'd like a part two, my inbox is always open for more questions about the z̷̝͇̭̖̫͈͒͑̈́̆̅̃̐̿͆̏̍̆̂͠͠ͅọ̸͂͊̊̔d̸̡̧̢̛̞͈̤͍͓̳̱͎͈̞̤̟̼̃̿͑̈́͋̀̍̃̐̇̍̚į̸̡̯̼̟͔̭̱̤̜͙̮̜̂͛͒̀͛̈́̈́̊̈́͊͆͒̈́͘a̸̢̨̛̛̤̤̦͓̯̺͈̱̯̥̝̞̜͙̟̿̎̒̐͂̑̆́̈̒̂̄̀͘͠c̶̡̛̺̩͇̩͙̦̙͇̱͕͔̤̺̎̈́̊͂̈́̑̽̚ͅs̶̨͉̬͔͕̺͓͒̾͝!

N̸̨̧͖̟̲̯̼͇͙͕͔̠̼̲̭͐͑͌̏̈́͌͊̀̈͋́́͗̏͘̚͠o̶̡͉̝̥̺̫̟͕͕͒̈́̏͗̈́t̴̡̪͚̔͒͑̏͋͊̏̄̂͝͝ ̶̢̜͉̦͖̺̝̣̹̻̼͍͌͋̂̈͑͑̓̕a̸̢̧̗̥̺͈͉̞̪̭͔͓͍͒ ̶̢̺͔̮͉͍͕̫͖͗̍͋͛͐̈́͗̽̎̃͊̌̔̒͂̚͜͝g̴̢̡̘̦̠̳̩̫̬̝͓̥͚̙̥͙̉̿̄́o̵̭̟̞̱̞̯͂͒͑̈́̐̉̇̕͜d̸̨̮̭̲̹͕͍͈̯̠̖̣̺̎͗͛ͅ.̵̛͉̘̱̖̹̦͚̳̜͈̼͚̼͉̈́̔̏̽̿̒̌́͆͜͠͠.̷̰̬̗̻͇͑́͂̉̓̀̍̊̚̕͝͝.̶̡̡̲̗̝͚̼̝̳̤͇̯̗͎̟̅̍͊͋̀̍͂̎͆͛͂͘̕

̵̢̢͓͚̳͙̱̪͍̘͔̱̣̣̻̆́̓̄͗̃̊̉̀̊͝ ̶̞͎̭̰̞̦͕͈̺̭͕͇̝͉̯̩̑̐̽̃́̃̃̀̈̂̆̑͋̎̾̕Ṉ̶̢̢̹͉̼͍̜͍̜̹̳̫̣͓͉͗͌̊̿͆͆̓̀̌̈͘̚ơ̶̯̯̻̩̲͖͌̈́̏̄͑̾͠t̵̮́̑̈̑̐͒̐͝ ̷̧̭̭̈̅͌̀̾a̴̼̝̖̲͓͊̿̌̊̓̒̿͑̑̋̂̒͜͝ͅ ̸͉͓̰̗̼̪̹̤͊̔̃̂̈̈͆̄̃͒̌́̈́͝ͅͅh̷͔̻͈͍̤̭̀͜u̴̝̩̲͕̜̰̰̣̗̜̪̰̒̀̍̇̀̎̿̇̊͝͝͝͝ͅͅm̴̧̼̞͔͈͚͕̻̣͕͔̬̿͗̒̒́͊̽͆̈́̽̓̕̕̕͜͝͝a̷̡̢̛̛͓͙̅̑̈́̿̍̇͗̇̿̀̈́̅̔̕͝ņ̵̢̪͔̞̝̞̼͔̭̒͊̌́̂̈́̔̓̚ͅ.̸̨̠̜̰͇̘̓̓́̈́̓͝.̷͈̖̱̙̘̮̋.̶͖̦̬̼̩̙̤̦̲̜̀̌̄̅͠͠

̸̧̰̃̂́͗̄̍̐̌͐̿͂͘͝͝͠ ̶̡̛̦̗̳̬̘͇̞̺̘̖͙̤̰̇̾͋̀̐́̈́̂͗́̓͋̌͘͜͝.̸̞͓͈͈͕̬̝́̂͋͑́͆̈́͆̌̚͝.̷̙̗̭̫̲̬̫́͛̂̄͘ͅ.̵̨̛̛̩͍͗̋͌̽̂͗̃̏͌̇W̴̡̗͓̖̗̮̮̘̣̠̹̥̪̠̮͌̔̄͋͗͛͋̐͜ͅĥ̵̛̪̟̮͈͈̭̜̈͊̀͘͘ͅͅa̴̧̨̧̛̜̙͚̩̼̳͕̣̒͗ẗ̴̫́̾͆͒̇̈́̈́̿͗͌̕͜͜͝ͅ ̴̨͇̖̳̱͔͆͋͑́̆̆̈́͑̏̐́̚͝͝͝å̷͇̂͌̉̀̄̿̂ŗ̴͍͈̖̙̯̮̟͓̯̻͊͂̂̈́̿̑͂͋e̶̢̢̘͉͓̝͉͈͑̎͑̀͊̒͊̈́̐̀̐̃̄̌̑͘ ̷͚͙͚͍̲̖̯̦̞̼͖̱̱͎̬̹́͜y̴̨̒̄̏̈̽̄́͌̀̒́͛͑̇̕̕ó̸̝̜̖̲̗̹̫̗̣̺̝̗͖̦̟͆̕ů̶͕͖͚̽̐͑̅̄͋̕͝.̴̡̡̣̯͚̩̫͈̹̜̞̰̫͈̩̖̓̒͌̽͜.̴̡̡̳̳͖̮̻̺̝̝͖̘̊.̷̗̦͈͉̼̑?̵̛̯̠͎̺̯͓̜̗̟̩͕̹̀̒͆̽͒́̾̊̒́

̷̩̣̮̠͊͑̊͒̔̏̕͘ ̵̨̨̛͇̲̟̘̹͍̜͎͍̻̑́͘̕.̸̝̜̺̳̬̼͚̺͍̩̠͇̰͎͒̅̋̇̈́̉͝.̷̧͎͉͎̲̑͋̈́̐̒͂̽̎̿.̵̢̧͔̪͓̭͕̮͓̜͎̪͓̹̑̇̋͑̂̓̀̋͌̇͆̒͊̋̀͝ͅ

̶̨̟̦̝̫̲̠̒͐͑̌͂͛̊͋́͊͜͝͝ ̶̥̙̝͎̤͈͈̰̞̠̄̈́̀̆͛́͐͒͑̑̾͛́͘͜W̸̛͈̻̻̙̮̬͚͇̦͎̫͔̼̘̙̄̈́̕ͅh̸̨͚̤̰̦͍̱̲̥̮̫̭̬̺̲̆̋̎̔̓͊̇͋̃̅ͅͅò̶͉̖̣̥̮̝ ̶̦̯͓̰̦̱̮̯̞̳͛̄͗̅͂̓͘a̴̞͈̫̖̞͗͗̿̈́͒̍̐̽̽̆̌̈́̏́́̚̕r̷̢̢̛̳̤̗̫͓̳̹͐̇͒̚͠ͅe̷̛͓̹̳̠̜̟͙͌̋̀̋̽̓̋̆́͊͒̎͜ ̶̨͕̭̩̦̦̰̘̦͚̗̘̥̾͋̇̓̎̉̏̓̿̾̌̏́͌̀͝ͅÿ̷̡̗̜͕̺̦́͋̅̒̌̂̎̊͒̄͑̈́͒͘͘̚ȍ̶͔͈͎̬͊̔̔̋̅̉͠͝ự̴̛̜͙͎̳͙̘͈͋̈͗̍͑́̎̄͗̕.̷̡̡̺͙̲̠͈̠̰͚̠͓͖̘̙̪̙̍̄̉̈́̑͋̏̄͘͠.̴̢̙̹̯̜͚̹̤̇̈͛̏̽̆̄̎̐̒̚͝.̶̧̝̗̱̪̹͕̞̽̿̎͂͘̚͝͝͝?̶̨̮̈̆͊͐̆̊͝ͅ

[smallbirdbigcoat]

hi!! im yr srs santa ❄️, not sure if my last message went thru so im attempting 2 attach it again! hope u hade a good christmas 🍻 this was fun! i havent heard that lemon demon album so ill have to check it out, thanks!! omg that is so cool!! thats so literally sick id love to see yr favorite page or pages. i journal too mines mostly articles & pictures i cut from magazines n poems it’s literally so fun n i did notice my mental health getting better as i did it too LOL i would say my main hobby either “crate digging” on spotify or playing guitar. probably guitar cuz i do that a ton LOL but i also love finding rlly awesome music thats not really well known cuz it honestly doesnt take too much work just some time. abt maybe two or 3 weeks ago i found this band called speed glue & shinki & they’re fantastic!! i also write poetry frequently … i like to keep busy LOL 2day i bring you a song ive been listening to on repeat! https://open.spotify.com/track/3vTehy2tTrXyEeOieYFEAd

hello!!!! it was rly fun! hope u had a good christmas as well :)

here r some of my fave pictures from my journal:

this is a drawing i did of a statue of circe that’s at the art gallery in melbourne and i was very proud of it

here’s a little self portrait i did bc i rly liked the outfit i had on at the time

these r some more little doodles i have done in sketchbooks and pasted them in that i’m happy w :) feat phoebe bridgers + bruce springsteen lyrics

and some cool stuff that i’ve found or been given, some little affirmation things someone gave me at a crystal shop, a handwritten receipt from a second hand shop and an actual physical ticket from a museum.

(i hope this is formatted correctly when i post it bc i’m doing it on mobile and the images keep moving all over the place lmao)

i’d love to be able to find cool underground music on spotify but i’ve not rly been that successful in the past! tell me your secrets!! i do watch a lot of rage which is an Australian music video program that showcases a lot of indie and alternative artists as well as a lot of local australian bands so i’ve gotten a lot of cool music from there. jenny destroys records by billiam, lexapro by voiid and end of the line by civic are some songs i’ve been listening to a lot recently bc of rage if u r interested.

applause is rly cool!! it reminds me of a song that could be playing in a fight scene of a movie, like a song that you’d wanna smash things up to. i like it

[randomkidstarfic]

for the fic game: 4 and 13 for bet on me

4. What's your favorite line of dialogue

oh, this one is hard. I post some of my favorites as titles but some are too long to make the cut. A couple immediately come to mind, and honestly, my true favorite isn't going to be posted until a while from now, but there is one that sticks out to me as a solid favorite just because its sorta personal to me. It's in chapter 20 and said by L.D.

"But you have to remember, just because Kidd's mind doesn't work the same way yours does, that doesn't mean he doesn't have one."

Not to get Too Deep (or personal) but this is reminiscent of something said to me by a teacher when they realized that I struggled with processing things the same way the other students did. I feel like people with mental illness, disorders, or differently abled people often have their interests, thoughts, feelings and even autonomy disregarded because of how people perceive them. This happens a lot with parents in regards to their children, too, so it was important to me that L.D. said this line. It's one of my favorites because it's based on something important to me in life.

Funny enough, the other line of dialogue that's hands down my favorite is also said by L.D.. He's just a pool of wisdom in this fic, lol.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

This fic has a playlist! It's called Random Kidstar Fic on Spotify, same as this blog and the document for the fic, lol. I listen to it a lot to get in the mood for writing this fic, and it encompasses everything about the fic, not just the romance.

Thanks for the ask! This is a lot of fun!

[ikeafleshlight]

my mate had her first breakup less than a week ago. it didn't teach me shit. currently trying my VERY best to make sure she doesn't get too attached to another guy. he's my age. my mate's a year younger than you.

it was weird. it'a the first time i've ever seen it so close. i've never really had a friend like her before. physically there and just as weird as i am. two borderlines causing our nation to need financial compensation.

i jokingly threatened i'd text you if she started dating him. she sounded hurt. like you're the worst that has ever happened to me. and that's funny 'cause she's seen me have a psychosis and also be in the ward. maybe i looked very cool doing it. i did have dyed hair and dead eyes. still do. maybe being unmedicated made me hotter.. thoughts..

i don't stalk your socials. haven't in a long ass while. well the tumblr doesn't count. it's tumblr. hey- i even blocked your Spotify! that's something. i'm not going to cross the boundaries. i'll stop looking at the homer ass pfp in wonder. also.. v good music taste.

sometimes i wish we could just talk. no strings attached. no one but us would know. and i'd finally be able to hear your perspective on things again. i know it's bad but i wish we could just talk things out. clear things out. hit it and quit it. no strings attached.

i don't know if you're still with him but i hope he's doing better and is treating you good. i choose to just assume that. it feels better to imagine you loved and cared for. by the way, Project Zomboid? so good. i died very quickly and maybe cried a bit. in a manly way. so manly. with a little shriek at the end.

it's hard to like other people. i don't compare them to you. but i do compare the way i'm feeling. i don't know.. there was this one girl. Linda. she was sweet, helpful and had an admirable perspective.

she was deported.

yeah that was a little weird. maybe a sign i should let the whole crush/love thing go. it's just not as interesting without the way you made me snort.

i had a dream a few months back that you moved here. and i took you home and we just talked. it sucked a bit to wake up. i know it's bad that i still feel this way. but i don't want to feel bad about that. there are other things to regret. i don't regret ever loving you. and god how good it felt to love you. with every cell of my fucking being.

i think i'm scared you'll forget me. but i also really hope you will. be fully moved on. have that wall down and not even remember my name. the thought is painful but it also makes me smile.

so pissed and petty i'll never get to show you my apartment or who i am now. but hey.. in another life, eh? no, not really. i'm glad i had you in this one. and yeah, sometimes i itch with how much i miss you, but that's fine. just biology and psychology rawdogging. idk. science words.

i'll never be able to be your guy friend. that makes me want to eat drywall. really rip into that shit with me teef.

do you ever think of me? probably not. i think of you mostly when drama happens. did you hear about the Watcher thing? so insanely hilarious and also sad.

i know you won't see this. random people probably will. i guess i should be talking to them instead.

hey, there's still girl. i don't know her anymore but i used to. the way she talks about the world.. her perspective on things - it makes you care for the world so much more. and her humor? it hurts how much you laugh. she's the entire field of vegitation around that large fucking tree on a sunny day. running to that tree is what it's like to come back to her. video it and call it pure cinema. don't be an ass to her if you ever meet her. and you will know when it's her. she'll take your attention away fron whatever you'll be doing, and you'll instinctively want to get her attention. that's how i met her. and that's been every day since.

yeah take your meds if you're mentally ill. don't be an asshole. go to therapy. don't hold childhood grudges. and don't tell your friends how you feel! they'll make you do dumb things for your mental health. grr grrr woff why the FUCK was i talking about things when i was episoding i shouldvr been smocking crack fucking fucc

anyways

:)

yeah. well this sucks.

[nb-fowler]

MEET THE RAPPER

Hello there, the name's Nobody Fowler.

I use They/Them pronouns and I'm an up-and-coming rapper. I'm on every music platform, as well as Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok.

I tend to make songs about mental health, personal struggles, and conscious rap, though I also occasionally branch out into more light-hearted bar tracks and even into some horrorcore type songs.

I've been putting music for a little over a year now and am pretty happy with what I've put out already. So, let me show what I've done so far. You can find links to all of these in the LinkTree above.

ALBUMS

The Dark Tape — This was my very first album. It's primarily focused on talking about mental illness, the toll it can take on you, and how it affects your life. With songs like Dreams—a song about struggling to separate fantasies (or, dreams if you will) from reality, while also struggling to work towards your own dreams—and The Dungeon—a song about struggling with depression and the ways it can isolate you, which makes it worse, and make you feel like your stuck in a sort of Dunegon with only one awful way out.

The Way Out [Album Version] — This is an expanded and improved version of my mixtape by this same name (See below) that adds 2 new tracks, an extended version of one of the singles, various changes on multiple original tracks, and, most importantly, brings this project to streaming services for all to hear. (More info below in the Mixtape Version)

MIXTAPES

The Snake Sessions — This is a compilation of different tracks I had submitted to a weekly Instagram contest called The Snake Pit, including tracks like Back In The Days and Who's That Kid that had earned me top 5 and even top 3 regularly. This project also included multiple scrapped tracks, a couple freestyles, and a track I did with another up-and-coming rapper named L0RD M3RC.

The Way Out [Mixtape Version] — This is a project based around the feeling being stuck and desperately trying to escape. It takes on this topic in various ways, such as Broken Mind—a song that focuses on how neurodivergent people and people with various mental illnesses are often cast out and view as too different to be treated as true equals, and desperately wanted to break out of that—and even in loosely tied-in tracks like Outta My Way—a more bouncey, light-hearted track telling everyone to clear out of the way while I make a name for myself.

EPS

Psycho Path — This was a horrorcore EP that I did for Halloween in 2022. The only way I can really describe it is, lots of bars about violence and horrific scenes. Fun Fact: This project got me banned from participating in a tournament style rap competition after the host listened to just the opening track and found it to be too disturbing.

Psychosis [By L0RD M3RC] — This is a collab EP that I did with another artist named L0RD M3RC. It ranges from regular bar tracks to horrorcore type tracks.

NON-ALBUM SINGLES

Woke Up Like This — This is a song about dealing with depression and thoughts of self-harm. This was my debut single. It is no longer available on streaming services after I started feeling guilty for how I approached the subject, so I took it down. It is currently only available on my Instagram and YouTube.

How Far — This is a song talking about how far I've come both as a person and as an artist in such a short period of time, and giving props to the people who helped me to this point. This is currently my most popular song, with almost 3k streams on Spotify and over 360 total views on YouTube.

Smoke Shop — This is largely an aggressive, dark track based around dishing out "smoke" to various people.

[hannahwriteshorror]

Innocent Eyes (Part 1) - By Hannah Elizabeth Fisher

There’s no control. Not anymore. You’re addicted. You can’t stop. Isn’t it ironic. Isn’t ironic that one of the things you need most to survive, can also kill you. In more ways than one. People make their careers out of it, relationships are formed because we have the same tastes. Arguments on the internet cause massive fall outs between close friends. Over something so small and, for some, meaningless. But it’s the one thing that you know, will one day take your life. Yet you can’t stop.

You’ve been staring into the quiet space of your living room for at least five minutes, your thoughts going in circles around you like electric eels swimming around their prey, hungry and waiting. You glanced down at your phone screen, there were messages and notifications building up. Nick and JJ, concerned friends. The app store was open, food delivery apps sitting there, waiting. Almost calling your name, ghostly and with a touch of “just to cheer me up.” Never ending cycle, delete, re-download, gym, pizza, I hate myself. You checked the time. 9.20pm. If you could hold out until 10pm, your favourite go-to comfort food restaurant would close, and you would be safe for another night. You jumped up off the sofa and ran over to your computer, maybe throwing myself into a video game will distract my mind. By the time the computer had loaded up and you had typed in the password, your energy had deteriorated, and you felt weak. You slumped back in the computer chair, aimlessly scrolling Twitter. Watching helplessly as people screamed into the void with their own mental illnesses, leaving a little “you can do it <3” message occasionally. An obnoxious McDonalds add appears. You lock your phone and throw it onto the sofa beside you. You don’t feel safe, anymore. Not even in your own little corner of the internet that you had shaped for yourself, making sure certain words were banned from showing on your timelines. Even that was listening to your insecurities. Playing into them, goading you. You craved the warmth of your duvet, the protection your bed gave from the outside world was a comfort. Stop wallowing. The voices in your head grew louder as your eyes glassed over, hot tears streaming down your skin for the third time this week, dripping into the collar of your black jumper. You could feel the acid bile rising in your throat. Looking up at the computer screen, you glanced at the options in the start bar, pausing on the Spotify app. Music, yes. You opened up the app and picked something with heavy guitars and turned up the volume as high as it would go, putting headphones over your ears. This was usually the best way to go, you focused in on the lyrics with closed eyes and soaked up the music, letting it wash over you and take you to a new headspace. Eventually you felt tired enough to turn it off and retreat to bed for a long, and deep sleep, but not before you filled two glasses of water and downed them, hoping to stave off the hunger for another full nights sleep.

The next day was a busy one. You didn’t have time to consider the overwhelming thoughts from the night before, quite frankly, you were ignoring them, forcing them down. The busier the better. Time to mull over things could be dangerous. You didn’t feel like you could stop moving, even for one second. If you did, you would let go. Your mind wandered absently to the snack cupboard at home, how full it was, the enormous array of chocolate and snacks you had bought for security the day before, the urge to just let go screaming inside your head. “Just in case,” you would keep telling yourself. Just in case you needed them. It was a strange sense of security, knowing that the option to relapse was there, knowing that if you needed too, you could. “You need to allow yourself to have the good things, Felix, if you don’t, it makes the bad days harder,” the Eating Disorder therapists always tell you the same thing. You’d nod along. “I know.” Today you had a twelve hour shift at work including a stock take to do. The beauty of being busy. There, you were surrounded by gym goers, with their shakers full of pink sludge in the mornings, telling others how many reps they had done at the gym before their shift. The staff room was always supplied with cakes, coffee and ice creams in the freezer on hot days. Working in the admin building of a chain sporting centre in the middle of New York was never pleasant when it was over fifteen degrees. But you loved this job, you had a little family here. You adored everyone. The noise outside the windows comforted you sometimes, just knowing that there were others out there, maybe even suffering from the same thing. You were not alone. Though you had to unfollow most of them on your social media. It was always filled with Slimming World weight loss journeys and “what I packed for my kid’s healthy school lunch this week!” You found it hard to look at on a daily basis, you couldn’t help but compare yourself. They’re my age, and so much more successful. I eat the same things as him, why am I not as skinny? God, she’s so beautiful, I wish my stomach rolls looked as flattering on me. “You don’t have to explain yourself,” Nick told you during break time on your floor, puling you from the dark hole your mind was spiralling into. He was shaking his head as you pressed unfollow on another co-workers profile. “But I feel terrible about it,” you told him as you stared down at the uneaten food you had packed up in your airtight glass lunchbox. He scrunched his face up, you could tell he was worried about you. “It’s not Charlie’s fault, but I don’t want him to think I have some sort of aversion to him, he’s great. It’s just hard.” “He won’t,” replied JJ, patting your hand and giving you a soft smile, his blue eyes glistened behind his glasses. It’s not that often you see this side to him. He’s the more sarcastic one of your work group. He isn’t afraid to say it how it is, and sometimes you both needed that. You glanced up at him, the warm smile across his lips almost made you want to recover, just to see that look on his face again. You look away, back to your phone, your thoughts swimming, filling with regret. Fucking idiot. Your eyes wandered back to the lunch between your hands. A simple salad. This morning you planned ahead, assuming that by dinner time, you would still feel the appeal, you would be hungry, safe to eat, knowing that you had friends here to stop you if you lost control. Your eyes caught the smallest bead of moisture on the inside of the container, and that was enough for you to feel disgusted. You pushed it back into your bag. You checked the time and stood from the bench you were all sat around together in the building’s courtyard and ruffled Nick’s hair as you turned your back, not giving your lunch another thought. “Break’s over,” you told them, throwing your cig end onto the pavement. “Let’s go.”

The day went quicker than you wanted it to, you still hadn’t eaten anything. Nick had thrown you a few concerned comments, but he didn’t seem too overly worried. He was agonising over what to get his girlfriend for her birthday, it was her thirtieth. He wanted it to be special. You didn’t want people to worry about you, so it was better this way. The day staff started to trickle out of the building slowly at 6pm, on their way home to hot meals and screaming children. You swapped your staff badge for your night manager badge, and logged off your computer. Nick placed a hand on your shoulder and leant down, “I’ll see you Saturday man, don’t forget. And don’t worry… it will be okay.” You turned to look at him, and smiled, giving him a small nod of acknowledgement. He patted your arm and left, pulling his car keys out as he sauntered past the incoming night staff. You stood up from your chair, collected your things and went to the other side of the room where you would reside until you had to do a stock take of the supply cupboard. Your work went on long into the night, and by the time you were climbing into your car you were feeling dizzy and increadibly sleepy, heavy eyes. Driving was probably dangerous, but it was only ten minutes.

As you climbed into bed that night, you felt ready for a long, deep sleep. It was warm and comfortable. Safe. Your cat was curled up in one of the corners, wheezing away and dreaming, her little paws twitching. You quickly text JJ back:

Jayjay: Hey, did u get home ok? U haven’t replied in a while and I kw u had a bad day Fefe: I’m home, thanks for checking up on me :] Jayjay: good! Pat Pancake for me, see you tmoz xx Fefe: I will shes purring! Xx Jay Manetti reacted to your message: <3

You grinned, sitting up in bed and giving Pancake a well earned pat on the head, she chirped and blinked before kneading the duvet, and covering her head with her paws. “From Jay,” you told her. She began snoring again. And then your stomach rumbled. Fucking fuck. You hadn’t eaten all day, though it was only half intentional... Your mind wandered to the lunch you had packed for yourself this morning, nausea washing over you once again. You fumbled back out of bed and went down to where you had left your bag in the lounge, fishing out the air tight box with the salad in, and your coffee cup. You dumped the mug into the sink, and stared at the box. The condensation on the inside had gotten worse over time, the leaves inside wilting, it was natural, but it made you feel even more sick. Your stomach grumbled. You put your forehead to the box and closed your eyes, trying to find the willpower. After a minute, you let out an frustrated groan and turned, dumping the entire box into the bin and closing the lid on it. A bitter wave of release washed over you. Just make some pasta, your mind told you. It’ll take ten minutes. But you knew in the back of your mind, if you started to eat something now, you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself again. Your eyes drifted to the closed snack cupboard. Even just reaching for the handle felt like a failure. You moved and stood in the doorway of your kitchen, surveying the damage created in the morning when you were preparing your food, just a bowl and a mug, with some cutlery. You pushed a hand through your deep brown hair, breath catching in your throat. You pressed a hand to your chest, feeling the beat of your heart rapidly growing. You took one long deep breath and closed your eyes. You need to eat. You can’t keep on restricting like this. You need to do something. You need to chose life. Eat, come on. You crouched at the doorway, hand over your mouth, entering the room again felt impossible. You wanted to close the door, turn around, and run back to your bed. The danger is, you know you need to eat. If you don’t… it’s a whole new issue for your therapist to deal with. The restricting came hand in hand with your binging, but when restriction started to step over the mark, without the binging to balance it out, something had switched. Your mind ticked, what to do, what to do.... There was an invisible wall at the kitchen doorway, pushing you back, don’t go in there. You felt overwhelmed. Like your lungs were filling with water, and you were drowning. You wanted to come up for air, but the waves were to strong, fighting was exhausting.

[voljenimedved]

I dont remember turning into the person I am right now. I opened my Spotify profile and marvelled at how little new music I had discovered over the past months (months?

no, not just months, its been almost a full year now, how could it have been that long already?), wasnt listening to new music my thing, a thing I made a point out of keeping precise track of, so where did that me go- riddled with headaches, riddled with mental battles and new intestinal issues, with my knees worsening and my hands constantly pulsating with pain- my entire body is decaying, and I dont remember how that happened.

I remember a few events, a very few, they make me shake and feel physically ill, but nothing in between. I wonder at how my mind has tried to keep me safe and only retained vague shapes. For eight months, I had lived in a limbo of hurt and fear and illness and I had no idea. One day, I chose to confront one of the demons, the one I had almost thrown up for in response to any thought of it, and I didnt die. I lived I was shaken, but I carried on- I woke up- I woke up from my eight months coma and realized where I am and who I am and actually there was nothing left of me

and I had to start over. There was nothing left of me, the last demon being the biggest to bring me down, the last coffin in the nail at the end of a two year long trial, and now I had to reinvent myself. I couldnt stand my new favorites now and I hated my clothes and I despised my favorite songs and I resented Berlin and I couldnt think of my surrounding town and I cursed my programs and I grew to dislike alcohol even more and I was unable to play games I had enjoyed and I shudder at musicals I liked and I detest my memory, the cursed knowledge that I had to live with, knowing I was

stained and ugly and disgusting now

and others were able to carry on and live their lives as if nothing happened, some even laughing at me, gossiping, where was that fair, I had nothing anymore, I lost my personality, my friends, my partner, my memories

and I grieved, I grieved for the opportunities lost, for the relationships lost, and for myself. For something supposedly natural, changing feels more unnatural than anything else- I didnt want to change. I long for times where my brain wasnt rotting away from stress; where my everyday wasnt ruined by delusional anxiety; where I hadnt been touched and stained; where I hadnt spent money, where I hadnt sent that message, where I hadnt rekindled that old flame where I hadnt made myself vulnerable where I didnt question it where I didnt rely on you where I didnt touch you where I didnt say yes to you where I didnt hang out the entire night with you where I hadnt cried to my mother at night admitting it to her where I hadnt known a virus was on its way to change everything where I hadnt known I was riddled with phobias where I didnt

know

But I know. I know, I have experienced all of it, and now have to live with all of it. And so I have spent the past few months rebuilding myself.

Day by day, bit by bit,

I am reimagining myself. Proving to people how I am able to survive without most of them knowing. Every single day is a battle and- when I cry this much about ordinary days, I remember days from the past two years, they flash by me- scenes in which I would spend hours straight in my bed, sobbing, every single day for several weeks, unable to sleep at night- when I would scream in anguish over being left alone and my parents would hurry into my room- when I almost puked from anxiety every single day and called the police out of fear and sobbed into my mothers chest- the summer where I found out she cheated on my father and fell to the floor, heaving, hyperventilating, because I was convinced she didnt love me anymore-

all that inevitably led to me dying, and now I am different.

How far can I push myself while still being me and not lying to others?

Im not ready to live my life. I am unable to stand or walk for long, unable to go a day without genuinely believing I am dying, unable to take care of myself, unable to express myself, unable to live healthily- how do others do it? At only 18 years old, am I really this abnormally affected, or am I just

the abnormally sad odd one out?

I still miss all of them. I hope, one day, I wont. I hope, one day, I wont long again for the words and touch of people that stuck knives into me, poked at me, prodded my brain until I was nothing but a wet, shaking little clump of blood, flesh, bones and cells, thrown into the world like a newborn at 18. I hope I will find myself and outgrow all of them.

[fxckingshame]

Psychologist: ok.. u have anxiety and possibly depression, I would like to derivative you to a psychiatrist

Me: it makes sense

My mom when I told her: it surprise me the depression part

Me to her: "i relate to reki" "noo, he isn't immature, he was happy for his friend and then all the people in s didn't even know his nameee" "he always practiced skate and he was happy to have someone than hear him talk about this, he makes Langa a skate perfectly adapted to him, and then he realizes that the people he always knows, don't care about him and think that langa it's so much better, he wasn't felling enough to be langa friends! So he isolated" "you know, I'm pretty good faking a smile" "look this picture, social media it's so fake lol, I literally take it when I sleep just 3 hours and the night before I was having a BIG mental breakdown"

Me: yeh... I'm fine to, I didn't need this

Also my mom: you hate Adam because you are like him

[podcastsaremyjam]

Podcast Recs!

Sometimes it can be difficult to find new fiction podcasts through the jungle of nonfiction ones. I LOVE finding new podcasts through other people’s recommendation’s, so I figured I’d take advantage of tumblr’s “pin a post” feature to pin a list of my favorite podcasts to the top of my page! Be sure to check out the tags on this post too—I try to be pretty consistent with tagging on this account. I’ll keep updating as I find new podcasts!

Fantasy

The Adventure Zone

If you’re into D&D, you’ve probably at least heard of this one, but it’s definitely worth the hype! TAZ was created by the McElroy brothers who, along with their dad Clint, play D&D together. The whole thing is INCREDIBLY hilarious, but each story really gets more complex and interesting as it goes along. The first “season,” TAZ: Balance is my favorite—classic D&D setting following Magnus, Taako, and Merle as they adventure and a larger mystery slowly unfolds. #adventure #dnd #found family

Unseen

A collection of stories set in the same magical universe by the team who created Wolf359. Each episode has been really interesting, and the worldbuilding is really great! #magic #lgbtq+ rep #mental health

The Two Princes

Rupert and Amir are princes of two kindgoms at war who decide to take destiny into their own hands by pursuing the cause of the curse plaguing their kingdoms. To do so, they will have to create an uneasy truce as they forge deeper into the enchanted forest. This podcast is so lovely. The characters growth is just *chef’s kiss* I just found out that seasons 2 & 3 were released exclusively on Spotify, so guess who’s “to listen” list just got longer? #princes #lgbtq+ rep #prophecy #enemies to lovers

Sci-Fi

Girl in Space

Our narrator (who’s name has not been revealed as of the end of season 1) is a young scientist who’s parents have died, leaving her as the sole living inhabitant of the research station Cavatica. Space seems so vast when you only have yourself to talk to...until it isn’t. One of my all time favs—there is so much depth in the story and characters! #space #research #mental health #grief #space station

Directive

Y’all, this one made me cry the first time I listened to it! The story (in season 1) follows Frank as he works as a caretaker watching over the cryogeniclly stored bodies of people on their way to a space colony. It’s such a poginant exploration of the social bonds we take for granted. #space #mental health

Wolf 359

Told through the audio logs of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel , Wolf 359 follows the crew of the Hephaestus as they monitor the star Wolf 359. If I could only recommend 5 podcasts to someone, this one would definitely make the cut. Each of the characters is so well flashed out as the podcast progresses, and the conversations it has about mental illness are handled so well! #space #mental health #space station

Moonbase Theta Out

Ugh, this podcast is so good! The first season follows the researchers and workers on Moonbase Theta as they prepare for base shutdown. However, with political issues threatening the safety of family planetside and those in charge being suspiciously unwilling to provide information on certain topics, our narrator pushes for answers before he goes into cryogenic stasis. Note—the narrator of season one and his husband are sappy and adorable. I love them so muchhhh. #space #politics #lgbtq+ rep #space station

The Orphans

If you love sci-fi, this is the podcast for you! The Orphans tells the story of a universe full of future technologies and humanity continuing to push forward into unknowns. Each season tells a different story arc set in the same universe, interconnecting and building on past seasons. #technology #space #survival

Burst

An adorable anti-capitalist comedy set in space! #space #aliens #lgbtq+ rep #space station

EOS 10

OMG This podcast always makes me laugh so hard! It follows two doctors, a nurse, and a hypochondriac alien patient as they navigate medical appoinments and daily life on the station EOS 10. Shenagains ensue. #space #medical #lgbtq+ rep #aliens #space station

The Strange Case of the Starship Iris

Hooooo boy! Bring on the found family adventures in space we all deserve! Something here about the Each character is just beautifully written, layered in complexities that start to peel away as we get to know them. #aliens #space #found family #lgbtq+ rep

The Bright Sessions

Therapy session recordings of Dr. Bright’s patients. Only, her patients aren’t there for help with anxiety or depression. They’re there because they’re “atypicals,” people with incredible abilities. I love each of the characters in this podcast, and learning more and more as the plot unfolds!

Horror/Supernatural

The Magnus Archives

I don’t normally listen to horror, but I started listening in the middle of the pandemic and HOO BOY. It did not disappoint! The story follows Jonathan Sims working in the archives at the Magnus Institute, an institute dedicated to gathering information about strange and unusual occurances. Each episode is Jon recording himself reading statements people have given in order to better organize the Archives. Starts off a little slow in terms of Jon’s interaction with other characters, but that aspect starts picking up halfway through season 1. #horror #supernatural #lgbtq+ rep

King Falls AM

Though not as terrifying as the other shows in this section, King Falls AM can definitely be unsettling. The show follows Sammy Stevens and Ben Arnold as they host a late night radio show in the not-so-sleepy town of King Falls. Though newcomer Sammy is skeptical of the town’s reputation for supernatural events, there is definitely more to the town and its inhabitants than meets the eye. #supernatural #mental health #lgbtq+ rep

Welcome to Nightvale

My first ever podcast! You’ve probably already decided if Nightvale is your cup of tea if you’re on my blog, but basically WtNV is a radio show covering events that happen in a town where glowing clouds rain dead animals, a country of tiny people exosts under a bowling lane, and librarians will must not escape the library. Vaguely creepy and definitely weird! #supernatural #lgbtq+ rep

Other

Levar Burton Reads

If you love short stories, definitely check this one out! As the title suggests, the immensely talented Levar Burton selects a different short story for each episode and reads it. His selections span lots of genres, and he’s read stories from some of my favorite authors like Neil Gaiman and Nnedi Okorafor!

Me & AU

This podcast is sooooo cute! It follows Kate as she hyperfocuses on a new show called Selkirk and becomes friends with a fellow Selkirk fan named Ella.

Under Pressure

Follows a doctor of literature aboard a deep sea research station three miles underwater.

36 Questions

A musical three part mini-series about the relationship fallout between a husband and wife after the husband discovers that his wife isn’t who she says she is.

[sokkas-honour]

Let’s say #10 of the Spotify wrapped writing for Korra :)

ANON HOW DID YOU KNOW

girls - korra x reader

pairing: korra x fem!reader

wc: 1.7k with lyrics

warning/notes: i can’t think of anything, but if there is fee free to message me!

taglist (message me/fill out form): @draqondance @biqherosix

i've been hiding for so long, these feelings, they're not gone, can i tell anyone?

you stared at her from across the room, god she was beautiful. the way she laughed and joked around with your brother made you heart soar, the sheer sound of her joy making your day.

you snapped out of your staring when your older brother came by, a stack of empty boxes in his arms as he dropped them on the ground, the thump getting your attention.

“oh thank god you found the boxes mako.” you sighed in relief at the fear of not finding the boxes to put back all the decorations used for varrick and zhu li’s wedding.

“they were in ikki’s room for some reason.” makos discovery caused a laugh to come out, your brother following your lead.

“how in the world did they end up there?” you wondered as you grabbed some of the decorations off the tables and placed them delicately into one of the boxes.

“no idea.” he answered, taking the decorations off of the other tables and copying you.

“you two need some help?” you felt your cheeks heat up and heart pick up as you heard the voice of the woman you loved dearly. you met her eyes and smiled.

“i wouldn’t say no to it.” you joked, smile growing bigger as you watched her laugh.

mako called bolin over for help as korra worked on the same tables as you did. working in unison, your hands accidentally landed on top of each other’s as you grabbed the same center piece, a blush erupting on both of your cheeks.

once you were done and your brothers went to bring the majority of the boxes to where varrick wanted them to, you were left alone with your girlfriend.

“i saw you staring before, you’re not very discreet.” korra teased once the both of you were alone which just made heat rush to your cheeks which just made her laugh at your flustered expression.

“yeah well youre insanely cute when you laugh.” you answered, arms wrapping around her waist and head being placed on her chest as you breathed in her comforting scent.

“i’m always cute.” she joked, earning a small chuckle from you as you looked up to her, loving smile adorning her face.

when you thought you heard someone coming, you quickly unwrapped yourself and jumped back, afraid of them seeing you two hug. you looked around frantically only to find that you were still alone. with a sigh of relief, you returned your attention to the avatar whos expression had changed to one of slight disappointment.

“y/n, we can’t keep sneaking around like this. one day or another, we should tell the others. you especially should come out to your brothers.” she sighed. you two had gotten together right after defeating kuvira but she had come out a while before leaving for the south pole after zaheer.

it hurt korra to see you living some sort of double life, lying to your brothers who tried to get you to bring someone to th wedding about you seeing someone, your brothers still fully thinking that you were only interested in men which would be the opposite of the truth.

“i know, i’ll tell them one day but i just, don’t know when.” you shrugged off your concerns and told a white lie to the girl in front of you.

afraid of what they'll say, so i push them away, i’m acting so strange

“y/n, you’re not telling the truth. i’m your girlfriend, we may have only been together for a little over two weeks but we’ve been friends for years, i can tell when you’re lying.” she informed, placing her hand over yours that was limp next to your hip. you grabbed onto it and sighed, you knew you were going to caught and have to voice your fears eventually but some part of you had hoped that your girlfriend wasn’t as smart as she said she was, she unfortunately wasn’t.

“sometimes i forgot how much of a genius you are.” you smiled half heartedly as she looked at you concerned, wanting to know the reason why you were still in the closet after supposed years of knowing your sexuality.

“babe come on, you can tell me.” she insisted, giving your hand a little squeeze from encouragement.

you took a deep breath in and let it out it, coming yourself in order to tell your girlfriend the reason why you hadn’t come out yet.

“i just. i don’t know how mako and bolin will react.” you finally admitted, feeling as though a huge weight was lifted from your shoulders when suddenly, the girl in front of you starting laughing. you quirked an eyebrow, wondering why the hell was she laughing.

“y/n! you saw how they reacted when i came out! they were completely and utterly fine with it! hell they were super supportive of me!” she reasoned once her laughter died down.

“i know but i’m their sister, it’s different.”

“no y/n it isn’t. why would it be any different.” she asked, confused at your stupid reasoning:

“i mean for one, they’re going to be mad i never told them anything, especially since i’ve already dated a girl or two. two, they might find it a tad bit weird when we tell them we’re dating.”

“well your first reason could’ve been avoided if you’d told them in the first place.” she pointed out, earning a small blush from you. “and second, they won’t, trust me. mako might be a bit stunned but he’ll be 100% supportive, don’t even get me started on bolin.”

“you’re right, i should probably tell them.” you sighed in defeat, head turning slightly to stare at the building on air temple island where your brothers probably were.

“if you want ill be there.” she proposed, her free hand placing itself on your cheek to which you gladly leaned into.

“yeah, i’d like that.”

they're so pretty, it hurts, im not talking 'bout boys, I'm talking 'bout girls, they're so pretty with their button-up shirts.

after dinner, mako, bolin, and you were on kitchen duty to clean the dishes, giving you the perfect opportunity to finally come out to your brothers and stop hiding.

as you finished drying a plate, you decided that it was time. especially since bolin was bringing up the idea of setting you up with someone.

“okay so y/n, i found this great guy that you’ll love. super sweet, super nice, super good looking, bolin approved guy.” your younger brother told you, scrubbing the food off one of the dishes.

“that’s nice bo but i’ve got something to tell you both.” in an almost perfect synchronised moment, both of them stopped what they were doing and turned to you. with both of their eyes on you, you froze a bit.

“sure y/n, what’s up?” mako encouraged, seeing your slightly stunned state and helping you snap out of it.

“i’m gay.” you blurted out. mentally smacking yourself for saying it so bluntly and straight to the point.

“knew it.” mako smirked as bolin let out a big ‘ohhhhh’.

“okay then, i think i know this one really nice, sweet, bolin approved girl that i believe also likes girls.” the earthbender quickly responded, correcting his previous date proposition to adjust it to the news.

“thanks bo but that’s not necessary.” you smiled gratefully at the youngest of you three before turning your attention to the eldest.

“what makes you say that mako?” you inquired, curious as to why your brother wasn’t very surprised at the news.

“well um, i.” mako stumbled over his words, slightly unsure of how to go about it but he recomposed himself. “i think you forget that as your older brother, i was able to see things that you didn’t.”

“go on, i’m intrigued.” it was now your turn to smirk.

“at first it was probably the constantly stealing mom’s kyoshi book, only to stare at the pictures of kyoshi warriors.” he joked.

“hey i still know a lot about kyoshi warriors!” you protested, half joking about the reason why you were addicted to the book.

“yeah but i literally walked into your room when you were about five only to see you open at the same page for a solid ten minutes. also, you couldn’t read!”

“i’m surprised mako caught any of it because it’s news to me. good news though!” bolin inserted himself back into the conversation, a cheery grin on his face.

“i think the longing stares between you and that waterbender from the red sands rabaroos could’ve also been an indication. and the constant cheering for them.” mako teased, resuming his dunking of plates in the water.

“yeah, umi and i didn’t last too long but it was fun while it lasted.” you reminisced over your first girlfriend, and followed your brothers lead to return to drying plates, leaving a dumbfounded brother to connect the dots.

“wait, you dated someone in an enemy team? y/n!” bolin gasped, accusing you in a joking manor.

“guilty as charged.” you smirked.

“okay well, let me set you up with someone! i’m sure i know another lesbian or bisexual!” bolin persisted with his idea so you thought that you might as well come out about korra and you.

“well bo, mako, i’m kinda seeing someone right now.” you started but were interrupted by someone barging in, the exact person you were about to mention.

“are you idiots done yet? we figured we’d all go see a probending match tonight but if you slowpokes aren’t done we might miss it!” korra informed the three of them. the two boys quickly returned to work but your gaze lingered on the avatar.

“so are you going to tell us or?” mako asked as korra left.

“i think you’ll figure it out.” your eyes stayed a little too long in the direction that your girlfriend left, a smirk on your lips at the idea of making your brothers wait.

when you all made your way to the probending arena, you caught up with korra and asami in the front, making sure to interlock your fingers with the watertribe girl.

“im guessing you told them?” asami asked, a knowing smile on her face at the romantic gesture.

“not exactly.” you guiltily admitted as you heard two gasps behind you. one was almost dramatically loud while the other was a bit more subtle.

“y/n!” you heard from the two boys behind you, and korra gave you a knowing smile, your idiot brothers had figured it out.

[pinkhairedlily]

Utakata Hanabi

Prompt: Festival | AO3 link here. Connect with me on Twitter. Happy SS Month everyone! 🌸🍅🥗 @ssskmonth

Funny how things change over time – from Uchiha Sasuke, youngest heir among the biggest clan in Konohagakure, most handsome, the brightest, the one with highest potential to Uchiha Sasuke, the traitor.

It has become difficult to stay beside Haruno Sakura, the girl who bugged him to no end at the academy but now the world-renowned medical ninjutsu specialist, the peak flower of the Hidden Leaf Village, the most beautiful and the strongest but also the woman he loves.

Her admirers flock daily to the village’s hospital where she is the head of medical corps, and to her and Ino’s newly established mental facility. These so-called patients have a unique array of illnesses which often end up with a scolding prescription rather than a real medical certificate. He wonders if he deserves to monopolize her affections.

These thoughts stay with him even if she spends nights in his state-sanctioned apartment, her steady breaths against his chest, and her hair splayed between his fingers, even if she prepares him bento boxes for lunch as he gets ready to spend the whole day briefing the council of elders of his missions, even if she kisses him in the shower before leaving. No one knew they were even together. This is a burden he had to carry – the stigma of his name, the inability of society to forgive, the consensus that he doesn’t belong.

And so it catches him off guard when Sakura brings up the summer festival. “I already picked out a fabric for my yukata. It’s so pretty I don’t want it to go to waste.” She bats him with her puppy eyes impression – her emerald irises jumping at his defenses.

“Sakura,” he starts as he reaches for her hands on the couch. “I want to but you know how it is.”

“And you know how I don’t care about any of that, right?” She looks at their intertwined fingers, and she blushes, quite not used to with their intimacy although they are already quite far in that particular journey. “I just want to see the fireworks…together.”

“We can see the fireworks together. They’re on the same sky anyway.”

Sakura lifts her fingers away from his grasp. “I’ve spent countless summers watching them alone. Now you’re here, and you don’t even want to go. I think I’m gonna sleep early.”

She’s angry. Sasuke finishes creating new storage scrolls and climbs on the bed with her. He hugs her with his lone arm and breathes in the fading lavender scent on her hair. “Maybe I can compromise.”

Sasuke apologizes with a fancy dinner the next day, and by dinner, that meant miso soup, grilled mackerel, kani salad, and her favorite – blueberry muffins. Sakura beams seeing the freshly baked dessert on their table. She also sees two masks on the edge, the compromise he talked about while she was already drowsy in slumber.

He holds them up – a fox and a dragon – and he is rewarded with a grin. “Wear your yukata tomorrow, Sakura.”

--------

She is beautiful, she has always been, and he loved her long pink hair ever since they met. When she cut it off in the Forest of Death, he felt a slight of pang of loss, even more so when it was because of him. Finally grown to her waist, she lets them down for the night in a long single braid adorned with cherry blossoms and her fringes clipped to the side with two butterfly pins. Her yukata, white and adorned with stars, fits her like second skin. She is beautiful.

They walk together hand in hand in the lantern-lit street filled with the crowd. No one actually pays them attention, everyone is too busy catching fish, playing shooting games, and trying all food stalls. They find a space on the riverbank, and they sit together on the grass, hands still clasped with each other.

“Are you happy?” Sasuke asks behind his mask. He slightly regrets this arrangement since he cannot see her expression, and Sakura has these charming microexpressions, like she wears her heart on her sleeve, an open page for everyone to read.

Before she could say anything, a pair of young men also dressed in yukata taps her shoulder. Sasuke immediately lets go of her hand.

“Dr. Haruno! We were right to come tonight. You never fail to go to summer festivals.”

Sakura takes off her mask and smiles back at them. “How did you know it was me?”

“We can spot your pink hair anywhere, Ma’am.”

“We can immediately see you in the sea of crowd. Do you need company?”

“It would be sad to see your outfit go unappreciated.”

Sasuke can feel a headache coming on. He is never the jealous type but the audacity of these kids to hit on Sakura.

She tilts her head, and her voices takes on an apologetic tone. “I’m actually with someone.” To drive the point further, she reaches for his hand and returns her fingers to where they were before they came. “You can enjoy the rest of the festival.”

Sasuke eyes them through his mask, and true enough, they are unperturbed because why would Sakura spend this important social evening with someone hiding behind a prop. But they eventually leave, knowing when to respect her wishes and knowing what happens if they don’t.

More people start filling the riverbank, indicating the start of the fireworks. Sakura eases in closer to him and wraps her arm with his. To their surprise, an elderly man sits beside Sasuke and waves to Sakura.

“Dr. Haruno.” He surmises this must be a previous patient of hers.

“It’s nice to see you with company this year. I was actually thinking of introducing my son to you later this month.”

Sakura chuckles, sensing the annoyance ooze out from Sasuke. “Oh my, there’s no need.”

“I see that. You look happy, happier than I’ve seen you in the past years,” the old man remarks then he fixes his gaze on the man beside him. “You.”

Sasuke slightly shifts to face him and bows in respect. “Good evening, Sir.”

“I’ve seen this girl come to the summer festival every year without fail. She would sit on the riverbank, her hair done up, with some makeup on, and wait for the fireworks. And when they finally light up, she would allow herself to cry, hiding her tears in the celebration, thinking no one looks beside them when the sky is showered with beautiful explosions. I sometimes think why the hell would a gorgeous girl spend the festival like that and watch fireworks with her eyes on the ground. And this year again, she’s here. You better not make her cry.”

“Oji-chan, you can stop now. You’re traumatizing my date,” Sakura lightly protests. She gives him a smile and words a soundless thank you.

“My child, he deserves to know. Anyway, I’ll leave you two and my knees are starting to hurt again.” The old man starts to get up, but he stares openly at Sasuke, piercing the mask barrier with a glare. “I’m serious though, you better not make this girl cry again.”

Sakura laughs and pulls Sasuke tighter. “Of course, he won’t. You come visit me tomorrow Oji-chan so I can prescribe you some meds. Okay?”

The old man pats the top of Sakura’s head and walks away into the crowd. The countdown starts from the opposite of the riverbank, and they hear the explosion. Colors burst into the velvet sky, and her emerald eyes follow the bright traces of the sparkling lights.

Sasuke slowly lifts off his mask and places it on the grass. He foregoes the sight above and focuses on the one beside him, memorizing every line on her face, committing them to his memory, savoring the awed glint in her eyes. He stays like that for the duration of the show without care for anyone who might have recognized him.

She finally notices his look and shifts her attention. He lets go of her hand and allows his fingers to tuck a stray strand behind her ear then he brings her closer to him and plants a soft kiss on her lips, their first public kiss, shrouded comfortably by the distracted crowd and the ephemeral lights above.

“I love you,” he whispers against her ear, and she responds by leaning against his chest with his arm around her, enjoying the last seconds of the show, a giddy smile on her face.

Links for Utakata Hanabi: Youtube | Spotify