#Discussions of PTSD

[redrobin-detective]

My fic writing process

Me: Here is an interesting idea, extrapolating the story's inherent, underutilized worldbuilding and not only acting upon it, but expanding it and making it my own to explore themes and characters I enjoy. Also Me: Ok but also this would be Hilarious

[ruegarding]

anyway here's my rant:

despite her comment in son, hazel doesn't have much adhd/dyslexia coding. her treatment at st agnes has more to do w being a black girl in the 1930's and her powers/curse than her possible adhd/dyslexia, considering she never mentions any symptoms specific to adhd or dyslexia in her backstory. the closest things are her interest in horses, which could be considered a hyper-fixation, and her flashbacks, which could be argued as daydreaming associated w inattentive adhd. furthermore, her powers could easily be used as a commentary on masking similar to the general attitude towards her vs other dead ppl (she looks alive, so she deserves to be alive, unlike all these other ppl who went thru the doors of death). overall, interesting set up, not expanded upon in canon.

similarly, the only time piper is ever implied to have adhd is in that boo scene, which doesn't hold much weight bc it's a general statement in an impersonal pov (as opposed to "piper was only able to keep track bc of her adhd/demigod abilities," still in third person pov, but a more personalized statement). this post began as a quest to answer the question "how does piper's adhd manifest," and the answer is "uhhhhhhhhhhh."

continuing w the trend, jason is never implied to have adhd or dyslexia at all. would have been interesting to see, considering jason has the whole gifted-kid-burn-out thing going on, but alas.

i'm not including the statement annabeth makes abt demigods typically having one or both and hazel's statement abt "just being a demigod," bc it's also established that it's not a requirement. the fandom wiki claims frank is the only demigod to not have adhd: if "just being a demigod" means that every demigod has adhd/dyslexia, then frank, inarguably, has adhd/dyslexia, as well.

more importantly, in a story where adhd and dyslexia are explicitly addressed and considered the cornerstone of the world building, i need it to be explicitly said that a character has adhd/dyslexia in order to give credit to canon (my personal hcs are a different story).

so, it seems like leo is the only one out of the lost trio w adhd or dyslexia, and it's only adhd. he frequently references things he's reading and shows no issue doing so, given that it's in a language he understands.

interestingly, leo claims "he couldn’t read ancient greek" in hoh, so it could be that the ease w learning ancient greek (and potentially latin) is exclusive to those w dyslexia. however, this has been as inconsistent as the actual dedication to giving demigods adhd and/or dyslexia. for example, chiron says the ability is "in their blood" in tlh w no mention of dyslexia, but in tlt annabeth says percy has dyslexia bc "[his] mind is hardwired for ancient greek."

the only character to bring up how dyslexia affects them in hoo is percy, making it seem like his dyslexia is much worse than annabeth's, the only other character who we know is dyslexic (from pjo, it's never mentioned in hoo). if leo is "seriously adhd," then percy is seriously dyslexic. something to be said how they're both treated as comic relief in fandom, considering.

frank not being diagnosed despite his dyspraxia coding could be used as a commentary on medical racism and the model minority stereotype. since frank is exclusively listed as the only demigod to not have either diagnosis and his dyspraxia coding eventually disappears, it doesn't appear that that was the intention.

moving to a more theoretical discussion, it's hard to say what is/is not definitively adhd/dyslexia symptoms, specifically using canon, considering we rarely see any of the demigods acting "normal." the majority of the time, they're on a quest/in an extreme situation. contrast w pjo, where we learn things abt percy's adhd and dyslexia while he's at school, a relatively normal situation, and then can apply it to the rest of the series. w hoo, it's almost all guesswork.

leo mentions that his adhd affects his memory, so we know that similar moments can be attributed to his adhd. but is hazel forgetting part of sciron's story a symptom of adhd or just a normal thing that happens bc forgetting things in stressful situations is normal? is jason's seemingly permanent amnesia a symptom of the memory wipe or is it exacerbated by adhd? is piper's aversion to feminine clothing and make up caused by sensory issues? we'll never know, bc they're never said to have adhd.

[haveafuckingfanfic]

*Wisdom Saga Spoilers*

CW for spoilers and TW for mental health, PTSD, S1 and Su1cide.

Many people have probably touched on this, but in the last minute of the song ‘Love In Paradise’ we hear about Odysseus’ time on Calypso’s island. He clearly is still clearly struggling with the death of Telemachus and the rest of his crew.

These lines stand out to me:

“‘Odyseus?’”

“‘All I hear are screams…’”

“‘Ody, get away from the ledge.’”

“‘You don’t know what I’ve gone through! You don’t know what I’ve sacrificed! Every comrade I long knew, every friend, I saw them die! All I hear are screams...’”

“‘You will be fine dear, come back inside dear. Love of my life comeback~

‘Every time I close my eyes…’

‘~to paradise. I know your life’s been hard, I’ll stay inside~’

‘All I hear are scream!’

‘~your heart.~’

‘All I hear are screams!!~’

‘I love your mind dear, all of our time here. Life would be so much worse if you had died.~’

‘~Just let me close my eyes!’

~Please stay away from harm. Stay in my open arms.’”

Jorge captured the affects of PTSD so well. As a PTSD survivor, it hit home. The depression that sets in after a traumatic event is very intense and can be overwhelming. For survivors, we enter a stage of our bodies and minds trying to make sense and process what had happened. This is shown by the lyric above where Ody says he hears the screams of his crew over and over.

Often time we don’t understand that the event we went through was even traumatic at all. In an effort, our brains replay the events as a way for us to process it and it often just ends up causing *more* pain without proper help. Without help, we can dive into depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. This is clearly shown in Odysseus as well, since his brain isn’t processing what happened he then blames himself for the deaths of his crew and doesn’t know to how to live and cope with such a large tragedy.

This is also where the behavior of pushing others away comes in. This is a common behavior when you are depressed. It’s something that feels too large or traumatic to ‘burden’ others with. We withdraw the more our brain loops and struggles to understand.

If your brain doesn’t comprehend the trauma or make sense of it, it searches for escapes. Thus where suicidal ideation, hyper-sexuality, and self harm is introduced. It serves as a distraction, a way to cope or a way out of the pain. That’s why we find Odysseus contemplating and attempting suicide. He wants a way away from the way his mine plays and replays his trauma. He sees no other way out and is driven to the cliff. There’s a level of exhaustion that comes with constantly dealing with trauma, that exhaustion will also fuel suicidal thoughts.

And to circle back to the beginning, with PTSD survivors we experience a heightened sense of danger. Our fight or flight is on 24/7, so we will be slow to trust and quick to be on guard. Odysseus is showing these symptoms too, he does not trust Calypso and is quick to let her know that he doesn’t trust her.

So to cap this off, I feel so incredibly seen as a PTSD survivor. The things we go through when we are coping with our trauma and what comes with it are demonstrated clearly in this song. Thank you Jorge💗💗💗

[ansburg]

yall ever read da meta and know that op thought they were cooking. but the post is like this

[limeykaa]

I think of Aziraphale everyday (I'm very normal about him) and I've been wondering about his potential breaking point. How many times can our little angel thwart the Will of God, as presented by Heaven, and act directly against Heaven's direct orders, before he cannot make sense of what makes him an angel anymore?

I'm sure he's often thinking of how Crowley was cast out of Heaven for asking questions (allegedly). Meanwhile, for the past 6000 years, Aziraphale has been "fraternizing" with the Enemy, tempted humans in place of Crowley under the Arrangement, felt Things He Shouldn't Be Feeling (because it's forbidden, taboo, and he simply SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO), lied to his hierarchy, enjoyed all types of Hedonistic pleasures, had sinful thoughts at the mere sight of Crowley, QUESTIONED the decisions made by God and Heaven (although not to God's face, but isn't she all-knowing?), acted directly against the Great Plan resulting in Armageddon's massive failure, tricked Heaven and Hell, and basically quit his job at the Heavenly Company™ (before accepting a new one, but let's not talk about that now). (List non exhaustive, we could go on.)

How much more of this can he take before having a massive identity crisis?

It looks like the whole Fallen Angels business was a one time thing that happened after the War in Heaven, and no angel has fallen ever since. Then, that means Aziraphale will never fall, whatever he does, possibly because it's all according to Plan, or simply because God doesn't care anymore.

What does that mean for Aziraphale? What is the point of living up to the angelic values dictated by the Archangels? How long can Aziraphale handle the pressure of being a failure of an angel (according to everything he's always been told)? Our girl has some serious PTSD after all :(

Of course I don't have any answers, but I drew a couple pages on him having a breakdown. I'll probably share them tomorrow.

[eddiegettingshot]

it's not even just about eddie ending up alone because obviously there is also a story where he can understand being alone is fine and that would be good too, he doesn't have to be in a relationship. the annoying part is very specifically that the eddie being alone discussion is literally inextricable from buck, and the sentiment is very rarely just "eddie should be alone for x character reason" but usually "buck SHOULDN'T be alone because he can be with anyone and eddie is just not capable of that/doesn't want that so he SHOULD be alone" ... but eddie IS capable of that and he DOES want that, this is a consistent thread in his story. like the two views are very different and it's usually obvious where things are coming from lol

[detentiontrack]

I talk a lot about the amphibia finale episodes, but something they did right was the depiction of PTSD in the Plantars when they were faced with the giant herons.

[whump-tr0pes]

Honor Bound 6 - 25

This is a series. Start here, continued from here.

This is a sequel to Honor Bound, Honor Bound 2, Honor Bound 3, Honor Bound 4, Honor Bound 5, and the prequel Vera.

AO3

Masterlist

Contents: PTSD, Ellis is pregnant and also a grumpy asshole, themes of self-harm, Ellis being cringe, past captivity, past child abuse, fucky coping mechanisms around past child abuse, discussion of murder, angst, recovery

~

It kept occurring to Isaac that there really wasn’t much to the town of Laporte. Not the proper downtown area, anyway. There was the general store, the post office that doubled as the gathering space, the clothing and alterations shop, the feed and machinery shop, the tannery, and a few other buildings that Isaac couldn’t deduce the use for just from looking at them. He wondered if some of them had a seasonal use, or if some of them stood empty. The town had the look of a place that had been abandoned for a long time and was only now starting to fill up with people again. Still, it had never been large to begin with – that much was obvious. He could see the entire town at once, glancing down the street. There were so few places to run, to hide, to find cover.

As if Gavin could sense his unease, he nudged Isaac’s shoulder. “You okay?” Gavin murmured.

“Of course,” Isaac said flatly. “Just looking around.” General store, clothing shop, post office. Feed and machine shop, tannery. Right side of the street, left. He tried to tell himself that his eyes were sweeping both sides of the street equally, that he was giving equal attention to each building as he looked around casually for threats.

He tried to tell himself that his eyes weren’t flicking to the door of the post office every few seconds.

Gavin followed Isaac’s gaze with his own and squeezed Isaac’s hand. “I… I don’t need to be in town, Isaac, I just wanted to be outside—”

“No,” Isaac snapped. He bit his tongue, regret flooding him. “I’m sorry. No. It’s alright.”

Gavin held Isaac’s gaze for a long moment. Isaac’s stomach clenched as he realized Gavin’s lips were thin, his grip shaking. “Oh… Gavin, are you--?”

��Just cold,” Gavin huffed. His head fell forward, and Isaac pressed a kiss to his forehead. “But I don’t care. I want to be outside in the sun.”

Isaac blew out a slow breath through his nose and pulled Gavin close to his side, sliding an arm around his waist to support him. “Of course. Of course. Let’s… yeah. Outside.” He glanced up, tilting his face back for the warm rays that pushed away the fall chill.

The door to the post office swung open. Isaac’s head snapped forward. His stomach twisted. Ice choked his veins, and his hand closed around the gun in his waistband.

“Well, if it isn’t bitchboy out of bed at last,” came a voice he recognized. His muscles ached from how hard they were locked, holding him in place.

“Hey, Ellis,” came Gavin’s reply beside him. Isaac blinked, and he was staring at Finn and Ellis as they strolled out of the post office – Ellis looking uneasily at Gavin, and Finn with a concerned look at Isaac.

Isaac numbly released the gun. It remained tucked in his waistband. He hadn’t frozen that badly in years, not since—

Turn the corner. There was a guard there, shocked. Didn’t know Isaac was coming. Reached for his gun. Isaac raised his. Finger tightened on the trigger.

He can’t.

He can’t.

Isaac blinked away sudden tears as Finn and Ellis approached them. “Hey,” he croaked. “Hey, guys,” he tried again, and his voice cooperated this time.

“Hey yourself,” Ellis said with a groan. “Guess who’s got back pain today?” They looked around. “Oh? Just me? Thank god, whenever I ask that around Vera or Gray they never let me hear the end of it.”

“How are you two?” Finn asked, but they were looking only at Isaac. “Were you, um… expecting someone else? Edrissa doesn’t come into town, not without—”

“We weren’t… expecting Edrissa,” Isaac said weakly. The fresh cuts on his arms itched. The unbroken skin between them itched more.

Finn’s eyes narrowed. “Then… why…?”

“How’re you feeling, your highness?” Ellis said with another less-than-gentle nudge to Gavin. “You’re up, which is… more than I was expecting, actually.” They let out a laugh with a slightly manic edge that finally broke through the fog in Isaac’s mind.

He blinked. “Jesus, Ellis. You haven’t called him ‘your highness,’ in…”

“Yeah, maybe not in the greatest of taste…” Finn said gently.

Ellis let out a shrill laugh. “Yeah, no, totally, I’m just… trying to make him feel like old times, like… nothing’s changed, we’re still just… you know, you’re our bitchboy, we’re all one big happy family, like… um… b-before.” They lapsed into silence just as quickly as they had spoken and stared at the ground between their feet.

Isaac’s throat ached as he swallowed hard, looking between Gavin and Ellis. Finn was staring at their partner with their mouth slightly open. Gavin shivered against Isaac’s side, just as he had been doing almost every moment for the days since Isaac had pulled him from the basement.

Gavin stepped forward and put a thin hand on Ellis’s shoulder. “You have no idea how many times I wished I could have another chance to be the family’s bitchboy again,” he said, with a deeply solemn tone.

Ellis’s head snapped up with speed that rivaled a gunshot. Their eyes were wide, lips parted, and they stared at Gavin, unmoving.

“Oh,” they gasped. “Oh, you’re making a joke. Oh, thank fuck. I thought that fucker really did fuck with your head.”

Gavin managed a painful-sounding laugh. “Not like that,” he said, voice softening.

Isaac blinked, seeing the basement, the barrel of Schiester’s gun pointed at his heart.

“I w-want to be with him,” he croaked, his eyes fixed on Schiester. “I w-want…” He swallowed thickly. The words burned his tongue, but he pushed them out. “I want to… Please, l-let me be his… his plaything… again. Please… h-hurt me… for him.”

Isaac swallowed again. Today is a rough day. I’m aware of myself enough to know that today is a rough day. And that’s… something, at least. His hand shook in Gavin’s, and he loosened his grip. He forced himself to take a deep breath and let it out.

“So you’re doing, um… better, then,” Ellis said weakly, their frenetic jokes gone. They chewed their lip as they glanced at the retraced scars on Gavin’s face. “You look… better.”

“Yeah, Ellis,” Gavin said. He offered them a soft smile. “Thanks for asking. I’m… I’m doing okay.”

“Good.” Ellis nodded slowly. “That’s good.”

Finn spoke, their eyes searching Isaac’s face. “And you, Isaac? You doing alright?”

Isaac’s throat tightened. He pulled Gavin closer to him, happier to keep everyone focused on Gavin. “Um, yeah,” he said. He winced internally as his voice broke. “Yeah. I’m okay. Just… relieved to have Gavin back.” He stared at the ground, ignoring how he could now feel all of their gazes on his face like a physical touch.

Gavin’s gaze was heaviest. He knew about the… the scars. Vera didn’t even know about them yet, although Isaac knew they would probably all find out eventually. A finger of shame crept up his spine. Goosebumps crawled across his skin and pricked the cuts on his arms.

The door to the post office slammed open, and Isaac flinched like he’d been slapped. Laughter poured out of the open door. Two people who Isaac didn’t recognize came out, waving back to someone inside, smiles wide and boisterous. Finn turned to follow Isaac’s gaze.

“Relax, Isaac,” Ellis said, a hint of sarcasm returning to their voice. “Your boy’s back.”

Isaac swallowed hard as his gaze shifted to the ground again. “Yeah, I know,” he murmured. He wanted to leave, to hide. Not to seek cover, as he would from spraying bullets – but as he had once wanted to hide from Rosa, when her fury at him burned hottest, and he knew he could not buy a reprieve with a cleaner shot, a harder hit, a tidier room.

He never hid, though. After he ran from his mother, he never ran from his problems again. Until he ran from the guard who killed Jordan.

“Fuck,” he breathed, and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Who’s here, Isaac?” Finn whispered. Gravel scraped under their shoe, and Isaac forced himself to open his eyes and look at them. Their face was pale, their eyes wide, and their hand was wrapped around Ellis’s wrist. “Is it not safe here?”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Ellis spat through their teeth. “Are you—”

“No,” Isaac said, holding out a hand to them both. His head spun. Gavin is safe, but is anyone safe at all with Rosa here…? He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head to clear it. “No. Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m just… having a rough day. Can we… can we maybe… keep talking and just… walk towards the house?”

“Do we need to call the others?” Finn murmured.

“Fuck, no,” Isaac ground out. His throat clogged with frustration. “No, just… it’s just hard for me to think right now. The others are fine. Just. Gavin, come on and—” He didn’t wait for an answer before he turned and half-dragged Gavin in the opposite direction they had just come. Ellis and Finn jogged to keep up.

“Okay, we’re fine and just going for a nice run with a pregnant person. Cool,” Ellis groused.

“Sorry,” Isaac huffed. He slowed his stride. “Sorry.” He forced himself to take a deep breath. As much as it made the hair on the back of his neck prickle to have his back to the post office, he found his chest didn’t feel nearly so tight now that he was walking away from it. With another deep inhale and exhale, his arm around Gavin’s waist relaxed a little as well. “Sorry,” he whispered, just for Gavin, and pressed a kiss into Gavin’s hair.

Gavin said nothing, just looked at Isaac with unfathomable worry in his eyes. Isaac’s heart twisted.

They were already out of downtown Laporte and down the lane surrounded by wooded forest once more. They left the road and wove between the trees. Isaac slowed his steps even further. The sun dappled the bed of dead pine needles on the ground, and a cool breeze ruffled the strands of Isaac’s hair that had pulled free of the elastic. He cleared his throat and slipped his arm from around Gavin’s waist so he could squeeze his hand.

“So, um, Rosa lives here,” he said softly.

Finn stopped dead in their tracks. Ellis kept walking straight into a branch at face-level and let out a squawk.

“…the Rosa?” Finn finally managed.

“Yup,” Isaac said.

For a long moment, the only sound was the wind blowing through the canopy of the trees above. Then, Ellis said to Gavin, “Did you know about this?”

“Yes,” Gavin murmured.

“And she’s still alive?” Ellis snapped.

Gavin’s jaw flexed. “He wouldn’t—”

“What fuckin’ good are you if she’s still—”

“Hey,” Isaac snarled, stepping between them both and drawing himself up to his full height until he towered over Ellis.

Ellis rolled their eyes and crossed their arms over their chest. “I was mostly joking, Isaac, calm down.” They jutted their chin out at Gavin. “I’m just surprised he didn’t take a run at her, that’s all. Any one of us would have—”

“He did,” Isaac said through his teeth. “He wasn’t exactly in the best condition to challenge her for my soul.”

“Not your soul,” Finn said with a shrug. “But, like… your childhood.”

“I wasn’t a child,” Isaac said helplessly.

“For fuck’s sake, Isaac,” Gavin said with a groan. He threw a look at Finn and Ellis. “This is not the first time we’ve had this conversation.”

“Wait, you can’t just…” Isaac spread his hands.

“But that’s why you’re so jumpy today, huh?” Finn said softly. Isaac fell silent and nodded. He dug a toe into the layer of pine needles, all the way down to the topsoil. The top of his boot came away wet and stained.

Everyone was silent for a long time. After a while, Ellis began walking again, and Isaac was grateful to no longer have everyone’s eyes on him. Gavin’s fingers were cold where they entwined with his, but Gavin was smiling; nothing could have torn Isaac away from his side, walking with his family through a peaceful forest with nothing to fear but his own past.

“So… what are we gonna do about this?” Ellis said.

Isaac pushed out a slow breath. “There’s nothing to be done,” he mumbled. “It’s not like she’s a syndicate leader or something. She fights against the syndicates, or at least she did at some point. We can’t just kill her.”

Ellis chuckled. “I asked what we were going to do, not whether we were going to kill her. But I’m glad to see your brain moving in the right direction. No, I mean… so, are we moving again?”

“No,” Isaac said quickly. “No way. This is the safest place for Gavin, and Zachariah. It’s the first chance we’ve had at some real community. Besides.” He squeezed Gavin’s hand. “We just got here.”

“You used to live on the road, and I’m okay with people being less than enthused about me if you don’t have to live like this,” Gavin replied.

“Don’t listen to him, I’m not moving again while I’m pregnant,” Ellis called from ahead.

Finn rolled their eyes. “Real nice, Ellis.”

“Fine, but you’re moving all the boxes,” Ellis griped.

“What, all two of them?” Finn shot back.

“Here’s what I want to know,” Ellis said, finally turning around. “Does Vera know?”

Finn looked at Isaac. He froze under the attention. Gavin’s thumb moved back and forth against his hand, and he pulled Gavin close against his side again.

“No,” Isaac said roughly.

Ellis’s head fell back in a raucous laugh. “Hoo boy, I can’t wait to see her reaction. That bitch’ll be dead within an hour, just you wait.”

“I need to talk to her about a few things tonight, maybe we’ll get to it,” Isaac murmured. Gavin pressed a kiss to his shoulder. His stomach bucked at the simple touch.

If she’s still willing to talk to me after she finds out I decided to punish myself for losing Gavin after all, I’ll tell her about Rosa.

“Well, fill me in on how it goes,” Ellis said, their laughter not yet died down. “I need a play-by-play of how exactly she intends on handling this situation. And then obviously ask her if she needs help dumping the body.”

Isaac forced a smile. “Yeah. Obviously. Thanks for, um… for listening.”

“Of course,” Finn said. They pulled Isaac into a hug. He unwound his arm from around Gavin’s waist and crushed Finn in his embrace before pulling away, feeling only a little shaky.

“Any time,” Ellis said with a rare tone of solemnity. “You’re family, Isaac. Someone fucks with one of us… especially the baby version of one of us…” They shrugged tightly. “I don’t know, dude. It’s fucked up, what she did. I mean, I’m an asshole, but I still can’t imagine doing what she did to a fucking kid. Maybe it’s because I’m a parent. I don’t know. But… still.” Ellis lightly punched Isaac on the arm. He offered them a hesitant smile. “We’re here for you. Obviously.”

“Thanks, Ellis,” he whispered.

“Yeah, shut up,” they whimpered, their voice suddenly tight. They turned in an abrupt about-face and headed back to the lane towards their house. “Fucking pregnancy hormones,” they hissed, and dashed tears from their eyes.

Gavin smiled and returned to Isaac’s side once more. It felt… perfect, easy, safe. As Isaac’s slung his arm around Gavin’s waist once more, and Gavin turned his head to place a kiss on Isaac’s shoulder, it felt like the one thing that made sense in the uneasy noise of Isaac’s mind. He couldn’t suppress a smile as he followed Ellis and Finn down the sun-streaked lane as the wind blew the autumn leaves about their feet.

Continued here

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[breserker]

i've been thinking hard on why the post-Team Silent SH games just feel like they don't fucking work at all and I genuinely believe it's because they gravely misinterpret what the multiple endings are supposed to do.

With the exception of the total joke endings which you must go out of your way for sometimes in convoluted ways, the alternate Silent Hill endings do not fundamentally change the story. Harry still finds out what happened to his daughter, James still goes through the same journey as does everyone around him, Heather still kills God as a final boss, Henry still confronts Walter after finding out what he intended to do to apartment 302. The endings just change the outcome, the epilogue, the "what happens next" question.

Meanwhile, because in writing this sh4 fic I realized I had never finished Origins, i look up what's the deal with Travis and...he could either be a totally normal guy OR A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER, and while there are things you do in the game to get one or the other there's like. no way that just doesn't fundamentally change the story being told. And since the games were developed with some semblance of a canon throughline in mind, one ending becomes infinitely clunkier than the other and in its worst cases (Downpour, for example) spits in the player's face for wanting to engage with a complete, coherent story. (Murph totally killed his son! Oops no he totally didn't. Well it doesn't matter because other people think he did. but wait, if you did this one thing, then yeah nevermind it was all true/false all along)

I think this paired with the immensely dionysian approach to writing human beings (while I'm usually an advocate for the dionysian, the post Team-Silent games do not do this well and I mean it derogatorily) makes for what feels like an edgelord experience that thrives on what's the most shocking/wild pulls we can have a player do instead of telling an actual story.

And I think this really messy approach to storytelling by mixing it up with the freedom of video games is why so much of the games just didn't resonate with people on the deeper level that the Team Silent games had. I really wanted to like Murphy but I can't tell you a damn thing about him in confidence because depending on what you do he becomes just a totally different person; he could either be a mourning dad who cut his own losses to imprison himself to avenge his son and the rest of his life be damned, or he could be his son's fucking murderer and it was all a convoluted ploy to incriminate someone else for his son's murder. Who's Murphy Pendleton, then?? His anger in one scene can be totally unchanged from run to run but the contextual interpretation varies so greatly that his anger could come off as a hurt father who lost his son to like. Sinister killer.

The fact that a lot of these games came out during the rise of mystery box style storytelling in the west isn't lost on me either. It's just such a shame because so many of these games have...fine frameworks? Some of them fuck them up more than others (Alex as a veteran being a total lie was..............A Choice) and I didn't include Shattered Memories because while that also bungles its own narratives over and over like Downpour, at least it said that on the tin and was kind of openly experimental in that regard.

PostScript: I know I wanted to bring up Travis's backstory as an example of weird dionysian human beings, and contrast that to Walter's weird ass backstory, and trying to figure out why one succeeds at its grotesque weirdness where the other feels like that Edgelord approach of ohhhh yeah you're just. Puttin' anything on the wall to get a reaction. But I can't figure out where to fit it in here and I think the multiple ending fuckup is a less subjective issue.

[system-of-a-feather]

Literature Reading and Discussion #2

(These are informal readings, take aways and just thoughts I have on interesting articles that I think were worth sharing. My comments are developed AS I read them, cause I always talk to myself and the article while I read them. This is just literally how I annotate literature papers, so read it like a live blog of sorts; people are welcome to read and discuss and comment)

Article: The Neurobiology of Infant Attachment-Trauma and Disruption of Parent–Infant Interactions

"The focus of the present manuscript is to review the current literature on infant trauma within attachment, with an emphasis on animal research to define mechanisms and translate developmental child research. [....] Through rodent neurobehavioral literature we discuss the important role of repeated elevations in stress hormone corticosterone (CORT) in infancy, especially if paired with the mother (not when pups are alone) as targeting the amygdala and causal in infant pathology."

Just putting a focus on this and emphasis on the context that this is a review based on rodent studies. Rodent studies are actually really helpful and have been pretty foundational in a lot of psychology so its not to undermine it, but important to keep in mind.

... Jesus though I do love how the introduction cites like 8000 articles supporting the main claims. I do like that. Oh hey I actually know one of the professors / researchers in the list referenced in the introduction. She was a great professor XD

"Notably, there is typically a social context to this early-life fear and anxiety, observable through excessive fear of strangers, novel environments, and distress upon separation from caregivers (i.e., Separation Anxiety) and this is damaging enough to disrupt typical, daily childhood experiences"

You know, its not a NEW thought to me, but it does make me think of the potential cascading affect that this alone could cause. A lot of early childhood brain development is heavily based on the ability to explore diverse stimuli and give the brain a lot of material to work with to learn more and basically become an efficient guide to navigating the world. Ignoring any other neurobiological mechanisms, if a child has excessive fear and avoids new activities and opportunities, the overall development of many skills and regions of the brain that might be dependent on that input to develop "typically" would likely be hindered compared to peers that don't have that issue.

"While some may suggest that parent–infant attachment is unique to humans, John Bowlby, the father of Attachment Theory, was strongly influenced by animal research on attachment. Bowlby’s discussions with animal researchers, specifically with ethologists studying rodents, non-human primates, and avian imprinting (Lorenz, 1958; Harlow and Zimmermann, 1959; Hess, 1959; Kovach and Hess, 1963; Seay and Harlow, 1965; Hinde and Spencer-Booth, 1971; Suomi et al., 1971; Lorenz et al., 1982; Hinde, 2005; van der Horst et al., 2008), led him to postulate that attachment is phylogenetically preserved across species, further supporting the usefulness of cross-species research to inform the understanding of child development."

Ah yes the classic "humans are special!!!!" idea that some people really do have.

"For example, imprinting research showed that the critical feature of attachment learning was not based on a specific parental care behavior, but rather through simple movement of the infant’s attachment target (Hess, 1959)."

I think I might have to skim that article to understand more of what theyre saying here. LETS GO ON A READING TANGENT. This one Ill keep a little more casual because its really old literature + I have to manually retype things I want to comment on + its not the focus, I just need context on that but DETOUR to Imprinting in Birds (Hess, 1959).

"Such limited 'critical periods' during which the animal is extremely susceptible to theeffects of certain kinds of experiences, have never been found in cases of association learning. This is apparently one reason why some researchers have resisted the idea of critical periods in imprinting. [...] if experimentation on imprinting is carried out with animals who are beyond the critical age period, then only assocaition learning, and not true imprinting, is possible. This fact has not been fully recognized by experimenters who believe that imprinting and association learning are the same process."

I find this just an incredibly interesting thing to reference and look at because critical periods are now EXTREMELY well supported and extremely foundational in developmental psychology / developmental psychopathology and to hear that there was a notable resistance against them because of a lack of findings in "cases of association learning" specifically is honestly such a funny and great example as to why its not a good idea to write off a possibility / concept based on one specific type / perspective / field of research. Cause yeah, I can believe there wasn't any signs of critical periods in association learning, but there ARE in developmental psychology and developmental neurobiology. Its also a great discussion and commentary on how bias impacts research.

There is another striking difference between imprinting and association learning. In association learning, pain- ful or aversive stimulation causes animals to avoid association with the object connected with the painful stimulation, but the opposite is the case in imprinting. If a young duckling is being imprinted to a human being who steps on its toes, the duckling does not run away from the careless human being in fear; on the contrary, it stays even closer. This observation led us to conclude that the enhancing effect of such painful experience on the degree to which the animal imprints represents a basic difference between imprinting and association learning.

[...] he found that hatchlings first exposed to him would not form an attachment to their own mother. In association learning, whatever has been most recently learned has greater influence on an animal's behavior, while in imprinting, the object to which the animal is exposed first is the one to which it is most strongly attached.

Just a neat passage on key features of imprinting.

While we now consider food imprinting and social imprinting in birds to be highly similar, we do not expect to find them alike in all respects, for they are related to two very different vital functions-social cohesiveness, necessary for the survival of a social species, and ingestion of nutritious ma terial, necessary for the survival of the individual. Further research will indicate which properties of these learning processes are basic to both and, therefore, characteristic of the imprinting mechanism in general.

Just another neat passage.

Anyways, detour over, it seems to just be commenting on how attachment seems to be affected and the specific quality doesn't impact imprinting as much as 'being a moving object' in the vicinity of the chick during a critical period matters. Which I probably would have understood if I continued reading rather than going on a tangent but WHATEVER. It was a nice read

"Furthermore, even though there is a biological predisposition for attachment to bird-like objects, the moving object did not need to approximate a caregiving behavior, and the moving object could be almost any object (i.e., box, another species) to support attachment learning in the chick. Moreover, most surprisingly, during this sensitive period of imprinting, shocking chicks actually produced an attachment to the moving attachment figure (Hess, 1964; Sullivan, 2012), further illustrating that attachment forms regardless of the quality of caregiving, including in the experience of pain."

This was literally the part right after it. Listen, I'm too used to reading people who don't summarize or explain the literature when they cite it ok. I forgot this was a proper paper

"Specifically, research supports that secure attachment to caregivers provides a safe haven which can shield a child from the negative implications of increased stress and prevent it from compromising functioning, but infant attachment associated with a maltreating caregiver is associated with reduced social buffering (Cicchetti and Toth, 1995; Gunnar and Fisher, 2006; Fries et al., 2008; Evans and Porter, 2009; Pechtel and Pizzagalli, 2011; Gunnar et al., 2015; Hanson et al., 2015; McLaughlin et al., 2015; Sanchez et al., 2015; Drury et al., 2016; Koss et al., 2016; Howell et al., 2017; Raineki et al., 2019; Opendak et al., 2020; Perry et al., 2020; Shakiba and Raby, 2021; Smith and Pollak, 2021). In other words, one reason for high stress in infancy is due to infants’ experiencing trauma, but it is also due to the infants’ inability to use the parent to socially buffer their stress response—both of which can produce high levels of stress hormones during infancy."

I think this is the best description / explanation of how 'its not necessarily the trauma that happened to a child that determines the impact as much as the ability to have support from their peers and caregivers that determines the impact of trauma.

In summary, within typical development across species, the presence of the caregiver reduces infants’ response to trauma by reducing the stress hormone release. Animal research suggests that the mother blocks the release of stress hormones by blocking activation of the HPA axis and depriving the amygdala of an age-specific dependence on the stress hormone CORT. CORT is required to engage plasticity mechanisms within the amygdala during the transitional sensitive period (see Figure 3), with the mother blocking its release, thus blocking the response to trauma, and learning about the trauma. The evolutionary significance of this maternal blockade of trauma-induced stress release and its blockade of responsiveness to trauma may be to protect the infant brain from the disruptive effect of stress hormones in early life

Just sharing this bit. TLDR; parental bonds serve a buffering role in early development to reduce the cortisol stress response and helps in preventing the stress response from having long run effects on the infant

The child development literature suggests that the parent–infant social buffering system is degraded with repeated trauma-parent associations, which can occur in maltreatment (Nachmias et al., 1996; Gunnar and Donzella, 2002; Gunnar, 2003; Loman and Gunnar, 2010; Tottenham et al., 2010), and has been replicated in both rodent and non-human primates [...] To better understand how the quality of caregiving can alter the infant’s neurobehavioral response to trauma, we again can look to research on rodents. As illustrated in Figure 4 early-life adversity, if it occurs in the presence of the attachment figure, disrupts neurobehavioral development equivalent to maltreatment (amygdala, hippocampus), while early-life adversity when the rat pup is alone has less impact (only hippocampus).

And aye there's the rub.

Honestly there is probably more I could say on this but Imma be real with you I got sleepy AF half way through this so you get what my half awake brain puts out. Imma nap /hj /maybe serious /we will see

[shrimplymoray]

Neurodivergent, traumas and of sorts headcanons for creepypasta

Why? cuz obviously a bunch of traumatized psychos who live in a manor together can't not be neurodivergent and/or mentally ill in some way.

part 1 of some. idk when i'll make more but i like these.

feat. Jeff the Killer, Homicidal Liu + Sully, Jane the Killer and Ticci Toby

TW: Trauma discussion, Child abuse, PTSD discussion.

Jeff the Killer

Jeff and Liu grew up in a heavily catholic family, so you can imagine for a very emo and punk kid like Jeff it was hard to deal with.

Jeff, in my au, has Bipolar disorder, beside anger issues, and due to his family (excluding Liu) belief it was "the devil doing this to their son", he is neglected any sort of mental help.

Due to this religious trauma of being dragged to churches and being treated with physical violence for his likings and attitude, Jeff never learned a good coping mechanism, and resorts to violence to relief himself from his negative emotions.

When he is in a specially depressive episode, he tends to isolate himself and do the bare minimum to be alive.

But on his maniac episodes, he tends to be extra aggressive and violent. It was in one of those that he did his first killing spree.

Homicidal Liu and Sully

Like i said, Liu and Jeff grew up in a very catholic family. While Jeff's likings collided a lot with their parent's beliefs, Liu's were more accepted, albeit reluctantly.

Their parents had very high expectations of Liu, and whenever Liu didn't meet those, he was phisically punished.

Liu, was very distant from both of his parent's, due to fear of them, and he also didn't have many friends due to the excessive times his family moved in and out of cities.

Liu due to the physical abuse, reclusiveness and lack of attachment to anyone, including Jeff on his earlier years of life developed DID.

He only learned about DID, after Jeff's attack, when he was 15, though.

Besides DID, and him meeting with Sully, his protector, Liu also has heavy insomnia issues and PTSD from beds. Due to that he has a coffee addiction.

Sully, after being split, held a trauma holder role on the system. He grew very angry at Liu's parents, and slowly but surelly started having a more protector role, not only for Liu but, at the time, for Jeff.

After Jeff's attack, Sully grew even more bitter and split himself again, his trauma holder role staying with one part and himself, Sully, staying as a protector. That's when Liu noticed how sociopathic Sully grew.

Jane the Killer / Jane Arkensaw

Jane, before the Jeff incident, was completely normal. The max she had was one or other little insecurities with her appearance, but she had a safe and healthy childhood and family.

She was shy, but nothing that would be deemed worrysome.

After what Jeff did, whoever, her insecurities with her appearance ran out of the roof.

She always covers as much of her body as she can, too worried about anyone seeing her burnt scars and almost leathery skin.

She has an immense hate for Jeff, obviously, but she is extremely empathic with the ones that got hurt by him, including inside the manor by some reason and other people who were hunting him down, like Sully for example.

After her kidnapping, and even before that, after Jeff's burning alive, she grew a extreme anxiety disorder, and regularly does trades with Ann to get medication for it without having to notice Slenderman or the proxies.

She has heavy traumas of kidnapping, torture and tends to have panic attacks when assigned something like that.

Ticci Toby

Toby, of course, has Tourette's syndrome, as stated by his killer name.

Though in this au, Toby's main motor tics are more concentrated on his face, like multiple repeated blinking. Other tics he has is jerking his head to the left, stomping his feet, and turning his eyes around.

On the vocal tics category, he mainly ends up repeating sounds, while rarely he may repeat a word or whistle.

He also has CIPA, and that is what made him be so enthranced by fire since a young age. He didn't feel the burnt or the hurt, he only saw the pretty colour of fire.

Toby has some heavy trauma of cars, which results in most of his missions he walking to his victims. He only accepts entering on a car if another proxy is the one driving, and he can't be on the front.

Toby also has heavy trauma of drunk people, so most times on the comemorations inside the manor, he will stay in his room or outside putting something on fire.

He copes with most of his traumas and fears and honestly anything he can by putting stuff on fire or throwing stuff at people and getting away with it by being a proxy.

Happyness is in the little things <3/j

Toby also has ADHD, with an emphasys on the hiperactive.

He has trouble remembering stuff that are not written down, so if you hear an alarm going off in the middle of the night, it's probably Toby trying to remember something.

i'mma stop here because i got tired lol but this was fun.

[psychopacifist-rm]

I was trying to find out if anyone except me is freaked out by cats (an other animals who have fur).

I found such pages as “Scared cat”, “My cat scares me” and even “I’m NOT afraid of cats”.

Are there people, who are afraid of cats?

[ink-asunder]

Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.

[tohellandback99]

People on the internet with DID can address themselves as however the fuck they want, and say what they need to say, HOWEVER THEY NEED TO, when they NEED, on the fucking internet.

(Since I’ve been misconstrued once with this post; to be completely transparent, this was in the DID subreddit where people are usually very supportive since it’s run by people with DID, for people with DID. Not Fake Disorder Cringe, or any other subreddit that is designed to target and make fun of people. And if you think this isn’t worthy of saying something. I didn’t say this to change THEIR minds, I made this so that other people with DID who see shit like that can see that I see it. Can see that not everyone thinks that. No matter how many people don’t find this it is still worth it and so maybe somebody who might’ve felt discouraged about speaking because of a post like that would be more comfortable in our community if I said, “hey, I don’t think this is okay.” No, if I can defend anyone in the DID community no matter how many people, all who have not done anything to warrant the bullshit, I’m not going to shut my mouth and wait for someone to get seriously hurt by ANY of these miserable ass fucks to then only once have something to say for clout when shit really hits the fan and someone dies.)

Some asshole on Reddit (are we surprised) said that they have an issue with people who make videos on their OWN experience with DID because apparently. According to their “genius” idea of what people who have DID’s needs are, THINKS that just because it’s a fundamentally invisible disorder that (for me personally really just,) relies on the fact that no one will see multiple people in one person as a child and beyond, and because it’s initially that way to protect the brain and body, somehow means that we (you and me and anyone ever who has and has talked about DID,) should all just not speak apparently. And they specified people making videos as if that makes their idea any better. Trauma disorders are not taken seriously enough that we have people IN or COMING IN to the community to say shit that basically means, “shut up about your DID,” and they will die on the hill. Hoping, dying to know! that it was “something wrong with the person,” and not the perpetrator(s) who caused it.

and people with DID on there fucking AGREED with this! Ive seen people discussing their Autism who got this SAME thing happen, and there was pushback for GOOD reason because why on earth do you think you have any credibility to control the narrative of people who live with autism? Likewise DID? You don’t care about what people with DID ACTUALLY need you just want to control people and everyone somehow fell for it somehow. Wow. Just because you took a psych class doesn’t mean you are suddenly an expert on what people with DID need and “should be doing.” This idea that people are supposed to just “be quiet” about anything that makes people uncomfortable, perpetuates controversy and doesn’t actually fix misinformation that’s really out there. It is just a censorship towards those who DO have DID, not doctors who perform malpractice or spread lies about people with DID, and it doesn’t help anyone who IS malingering. If no one with properly looked at and/or diagnosed DID can speak then how the fuck can we have access to resources that can help us? Trauma and dissociative disorders have been linked to people who use it to spread disgusting propaganda and so has been ignored and dismissed, for decades now. This person and lots of people, don’t say anything about THESE people, who have actually spread misinformation. This person specifically didn’t say anything about the people who clearly and/or evidently malinger online, literally nothing but about people who actually have and have to live with DID which is insane and regressive. They pointed out that it’s weird to them for you to share about your DID experience because it’s meant to protect you. Then how is anyone supposed to get help for it then if they can’t talk about it? I had a therapist say this shit to me as if that’s not what I was there for, and THIS person, who was in the DID subreddit was saying the exact same thing. Simply sharing about a DISABILITY has nothing to do with giving up protection. Yes it’s a vulnerable thing to do, but why does that mean that it’s somehow wrong or bad? Is a person with DID just not allowed to be on the internet then? cause that’s what you’re saying. DID is unpredictable and you cannot turn it off. As long as the person IS a system that IS actively protecting itselves and takes the precautions that great people who fucking talk about their experiences with DID online use, having DID and talking about it has little to no bearing in how the internal system operates any more than anyone else who’s sharing anything personal on the fucking internet. I think strongly, that this is just an excuse to not give a shit about people who have DID and it is a disingenuous statement.

About the addressing alters thing… ehh. Someone was mad that people called their own alters, “alters.” The technical term, which has no bearing on what they themselves choose to call people in their system. And they wanted people to say from now onnn…. People? I think. Which I use interchangeably with the term “alter” depending on how I need to speak about these things. I welcome and love different perspectives of the self and I don’t have a problem with what they want for themselves. The problem that I have with this is that Nobody with DID signed up to use whatever terms on themselves that other people want for themselves when they walk into a room at any given moment. I’m not a therapist

(They still haven’t restored my two posts on there that were removed for some reason by the mods, not because I broke any guidelines or mentioned anyone specifically or anything that would imply that I was but apparently that doesn’t matter over there… *sigh* I did not want to have to talk about it on here, I do not want my posts to just be full of rants and things about DID. It’s just this is SO important

Update; they just completely ignored and refused to put my posts back up and did not respond for another week now after I gave my clear and simple response to their questions of why I posted it. What do they want me to beg like I’m some lost little puppy dog? I didn’t even do anything and they even told me that. lol I’m not going to fucking chase them 😂)

[sweet-cuddlebug]

Gamzee and CPTSD (or PTSD)

I'm not going to wait any longer, I need a comic or fanfic or someone to share ideas about Gamzee having cptsd after the game (it could be a better version of homestuck2 or the epiloges or an AU where everyone lives and are dealing with their problems in the new world idk)

I love Gamz with all my soul but I need someone to understand that everything he went through must have left the boy BAD, and how he should be treated professionally if we want him to overcome it and have the opportunity to live a happy healthy life (also because I'm not going to let him be in a relationship until he heals, the same goes for anyone else involved, I'm looking at Tavros)

I'm definitely going to use @caligvlasaqvarivm @egosweetheart @nekropsii @minu-moni @bunnytriestoanimateyt posts as inspiration, with all due respect obviously

[cannibal-nightmares]

schizophrenia is a monster, ptsd is a monster. Let's talk about when they co-exist.

this is going to be a jumbled up thought dump because guess what prompted this; I deal with both, but my experience has me assume they exacerbate each other. I'm writing this to be informative, if it interests any one in the same way it intrigues me

i was wondering why I've been so utterly and--specifically--differently exhausted this morning, but--as I almost always am too late to realize--a chance of rain is in the forecast, which is a ptsd trigger for me. it wasn't until I was chatting with my roommate in the kitchen and kept getting distracted by figures walking around the corner and disappearing did I realize it was cloudy out. the trickery of psychosis didn't have me fully questioning the people walking around at first, but the way the words started to melt in my mouth did. A PTSD episode for me almost always starts with the inability to string together coherent sentences, seeing visual auras, and sometimes auditory hallucinations, thereafter--sometimes regardless of if I've pieced together the details quick enough--a panic or anxiety attack will happen, followed by dissociation. I used to wear a medical ID regarding this (i've misplaced it..) and have a card in my wallet if I can't get myself to make any sense verbally.

A mess has occurred at work over the past few weeks, in that trustworthy management and other employees have been fired by corporate heads. corporate management keeps asking how things are going, and I keep saying "Our bonds are gone." I have to soon have these hard conversations with brand new figures of authority, knowing very well they're going to look at me differently way too soon into getting to know me. I hear a lot "You shouldn't tell your employer about your disabilities" but that doesn't apply to everyone and I don't have an option. I can't express how confusing and terrifying it is for both myself and the people around me who don't have a single clue why I am fumbling gibberish like I'm having a stroke (No, really, that's how bad the diction crumbles). The weather--whether it be today, tomorrow, next week--is inevitable, these circumstances are inevitable. I have developed so many internal resources to fall back on, but nothing is going to stop the physical symptoms from following suit. What drives me mad is these strangers who will think my story is an excuse when they have no made-basis of the truth in understanding that I love to work, I love to meet perfectionism, I love to bend possibilities.

What drives me mad is the inevitable shift these strangers will have when they look at me.