#From a guy with a chronic skin infection with love

[k1rameki]

THE TIME HAS COME EVERYONE. ITS TIME TO TALK ABOUT MY EXTENSIVE LIST OF TABI HEADCANONS (hcs are under the cut plus this also counts as a little debrief of his human design bc jesus christ i put so much effort into making this man's design it went through a LOT of trial and error before settling on what i got now considering ive gradually made him less and less "human")

also quick thing b4 i proceed – please please PLEASE ask before making things w my tabi design bc ive seen a rlly cool papercraft made w/o my knowledge and that was kinda sucky so ya thats around it (other than the basics of no nsfw and such)

APPEARANCE HCS

first and foremost — hes half japanese because i remember his aside counterpart being japanese iirc and i thought that was really cool and wanted to implement that into my own little hc (also he speaks like a dozen languages bc of another thing i'll go into detail with in a bit

so many different facial features, scarring (theres a very elaborate reason for this tbh), moles, freckles, etc all bc why not?? (freckles is primarily bc of my bestie crow and now im obsessed)

lashes bc why not, give every man a pair of lashes i think theyre pretty

PIERCINGS. so many piercings. this is primarily because i am a very firm believer that tabi gets piercings done because he wants to feel human again so he finds comfort in decorating himself as much as possible for that reason and also the aesthetic

broken horn bc of the mod events, damage beyond repair and whatnot

HE HAS LONG HAIR BC I SAID SO ‼️‼️ i figured considering he's been invisible for so long he never really knew what to do when it came to cutting his hair, so eventually it grew out to around his waist, and he kept that hairstyle ever since (he prefers wearing his hair in a ponytail or smth bc sensory issues when it comes to hair touching his skin)

a lot of tater's hcs infected my brain hehehehehe especially the tail and his hands still being what they were when they were cursed (also. paw beans. /vpos)

HES TRANS ‼️‼️ hes also very dumb and has very little regard for his health and forgets to take his binder off a lot (trust me he gets scolded a lot for that)

GENERAL HCS

hes autistic and has adhd — the autism hc i lowkey stole from crow but the adhd hc ive had for a long long while now — one of his lifelong special interests is performing arts and musicals

chronic insomniac — sleep? never heard of her

plays like 5 different instruments but primarily specialises in piano and guitar

safe food is anything sweet or chocolatey — he has a massive sweet tooth and is obsessed w cookies and pastries in particular which ayana baked for him a lot (ill prolly make a whole other post for her in the near future but guys. pastry chef aya. hear me out)

an absolute boss at board games, especially monopoly, and he constantly loves screwing everyone over

extremely hyperfixated on pokemon and owns a bajillion folders filled with cards worth a buttload of money, and a dozen plushies + figurines (projecting bc pokemon is one of my hyperfixes dont judge me) his fav gen is absolutely johto

his eyesight is pretty bad but like. not bad enough for him to be needing glasses (unlike a certain someone cough cough agoti)

speaking of said certain someone, he and agoti do each other's hair a lot simply because its really fun and provides some stimulation, and also because it helps tabi practice with self care and such

VERY SENSITIVE TO SOUND AND TEXTURES, often times he will probably start crying if something sounds or feels wrong

sometimes he forgets certain words in english and has to resort to using what theyre called in russian

has the goofiest sounding laugh ever and i will die on this hill. when you get tabi cackling he will start rolling on the floor and making the most UNGODLY sounds

can speak like 6 languages fluently and a dozen others in simple conversation (NERD ALERT)

he sucks so hard at writing essays but is (for some reason) really good at maths

despite being the more serious one among his group of friends, tabis a dumbass and does a lot more stupid things than one would expect

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

Hot take but the people who makes jokes about how Shigaraki and Dabi are disgusting for not showering or taking better care of themselves really forget that:

At least 70% of Dabi's body is covered in burns and I'm saying this as someone who had relatives getting terrible burns: you have to be double careful with those injuries if you don't want one to get an infection.

One of the treatments for that shit involves daily peeling the burned parts to avoid them from getting contaminated and then apply the medication it needs.

By the way, I bet Dabi's inmune system sucks because he needs to take antibiotics constantly. I bet he's constantly getting sick. Someone buy this guy some multivitamins please. I'm worried.

For what we know, he's also having a terrible time processing food and getting the nutrients he needs to keep himself alive. His poor stomach.

But let's keep the focus.

Dabi probably cleans his wounds regularly. He needs to apply something to prevent infections, he needs to replace the staples, etc.

I actually thinks he needs to clean his clothes a lot because they can contaminate him too.

When it comes to Shigaraki, we have seen him changing outfits and dressing nicely as soon as he can. He's clothes are usually comfortable and practical.

I mean, he's wearing cut hands of real dead people not because he likes the aesthetic. There's a whole deal in the manga on those hands symbolizing his development and being directly linked to his traumas.

Really, for the people who think everything can be cured with beauty products: that's shit, pal. Emotions and traumas can generate physical responses. I think that's the case of Shigaraki's scratching, which means it won't go away just by applying some medicine. It can tone down, but won't dissappear.

The representation they give is amazing because it's very very important to understand there's a whole deal of people who doesn't have the time or the money to have perfect skin and it doesn't fucking matter. They deserve to live as much as anyone, they deserve love and appreciation and there are more people like that than there's people with precious wonderful skin care.

That's why it hurts so many people when artist just erase their scars and burn marks and scratches. They don't have to "heal" or "erase" those to be happy or live healthy.

Both Dabi and Shigaraki represent people with chronic conditions. It's more likely they'll never heal from it— well, they obviously can because this is fantasy and anything can fucking happen and be valid, but I guess you understand my point.

It's so funny how Dabi and Shigaraki were the two first to call out each other on their looks. That's recognition, buddy. They realized the other was dealing with something similar, even if subconsciously, and that's why it was okay at some level. They were okay with it.

The rest of the League just adapted. They even got scared when Bakugo blasted the hand off Shigaraki's face. It was Shigaraki who stopped them and told them it was okay at some level.

And oh my fucking God they are poor.

The conditions they live in are precarious as it's best, specially for people with wounds that are constantly reopening. I don't know if you know how poor people live but spoiler alert, they can't exactly pay for A+ treatment and psychological help and other stuff.

When you're living in such misery, small things like dyeing your hair or playing videogames can help a lot. You don't feel the need to be beautiful so other people can admire you, you don't own society shit, so you'll better do what you like if you want to find a reason to stay alive at all.

And don't even get me started on the jokes about them being incels or whatever. This is something way more personal for me but I'm tired of such complex characters being reduced to sexual matters. I couldn't care less about sex and being honest, knowing that the manga has said absolutely nothing about it, we're not even sure they do give a fuck either.

I apogize for my language.

Have a nice day.

And keep this all in mind.

[cheri-translates]

What would you vote as the spiciest date for each boy?

Hi Anon~ I’ll respond with two dates per guy - one already released in EN, and one from CN.

🌶 Heavy spoilers under the cut because I included the spicy moments in detail, so don’t continue if you’re averse to that! 🌶

[Note: I compared the official English translations with the original Chinese versions and realised that the former is a little lacking... so I translated the spicy scenes so you can enjoy them as the writers intended ^o^ ]

-

🌹Victor🌹

[ EN: Dazzling Date ]

An urgent kiss clogs my unfinished words. His breath has never been closer to me than it is right now. 

His lips uncontrollably demand for more, and the fingertips clasping my hair grow tighter and tighter, like a net catching its prey. 

As though worried that I would drown in this sudden deep kiss, he leaves me a short time to breathe.

Victor: Since you’re clear-headed, remember everything about tonight.

While speaking, he hooks his index finger through his neat necktie, loosening it along with the buttons on the collar of his shirt. 

His refined muscles are unobstructed under the moonlight, and he immediately catches my distracted gaze. 

Victor: You're still in the mood to look at other things?

Looking at his chest muscles is obviously the same as looking at him. Looking at his face is also the same as looking at him. Why is he so...

Without leaving me room for sophistry, he places one hand against the side of the pool and continues the interrupted kiss.

His breath lingers in my mouth, as if wanting to take care of every inch of my sensitive skin. 

Unlike the first ravaging kiss, this kiss is like a chronic poison, making one sink deeper and deeper, unable to escape. 

He gently and domineeringly plunders the last trace of air in my chest, leaving me no choice but to reach out and grab his shoulders to get him to stop.

Yet, he just holds my waist and takes a breath, then continues that wild yet not unpleasant kiss. 

Only then do I understand the look in his eyes - a strong emotion called “possessiveness”. 

Bubbles are still gurgling in the pool, but they do not muffle the slight sound of water between our lips and teeth. Although the sound is very soft, it stimulates all of my nerves, and every cell is infected with Victor’s breath. 

🌶

The Great Victor losing control because of MC? Yes PLEASE.

The Great Victor loosening his tie? Yes PLEASE.

The Great Victor claiming his territory? Yes PLEASE.

-

[ CN: Sleepless Night Date (灯火夜无眠) ]

He leans closer, rubbing the tip of his nose with mine. Then, his warm thin lips trail slowly from my forehead downwards…

Victor’s breath encases my entire body. He plants scalding kisses on every inch of my skin, making me tremble as I hold onto his cuff.

MC: V-Vic-

He swallows the remaining syllable before I can finish.

This time, his soft lips seize mine, prying my teeth apart and diving right in.

He takes my breath away. In the midst of our breathing, what surrounds the tip of my nose is the unique taste belonging only to him…

After a long while, Victor finally ends his deep and searing kiss.

I clutch onto his arm, my chest heaving as I struggle to catch my breath.

His lips once again brush my nose and cheek gently, like a dragonfly flitting across the surface of water. He looks into my eyes.

I see myself in his pupils, red-faced and misty-eyed.

🌶

I’m weak for the transition from heated kisses to light, fluttery ones

Papergames even turned the CG into a gif because a still picture is unable to contain the spice

-

🎐 Gavin 🎐

[ EN: Blind Date ]

Before I can scream, Gavin’s warm breath brushes my face. 

Followed by his soft, scalding lips sealing mine.

MC: ...oh...

The kiss is very powerful and rough, as if trying to draw all the oxygen from my lungs. 

I feel like I'm about to suffocate. My legs become soft, and I slide downwards with my back against the wall.

Gavin holds me by my waist with one hand while pressing the back of my head with the other, deepening the kiss...

Just when I think I’m about to die, he moves his lips away slightly, his deep eyes gazing at me.

MC: ...Gavin...

Gavin: What’s wrong?

MC: [pushing Gavin shyly] ...this is a public place.

Gavin hugs me even more tightly, resting his chin on my shoulder...

MC: Gavin... let me go...

A warm breath caresses my ear. It’s a numbing feeling, as though thousands of ants are crawling into the bottom of my heart...

🌶

The tension built up over the course of the entire date was 💯

Gavin can just stand in the middle of nowhere and I’d still find it spicy

-

[ CN: Late Autumn Date (秋深之约) ]

I look towards Gavin, lightly tugging at the corner of his shirt. At the same time, I gently bite his lip, wordlessly expressing the feelings in my heart at this very moment.

As though punishing me for my mischief, his eyes narrow slightly. With a hand on my cheek, he presses my entire body onto the piano.

MC: …

I close my eyes, holding onto his solid arms. I lift my head to welcome his lips, savouring his unique breath.

The person in front of me has shed off the roughness of youth, leaving behind only the purity of youth. He often makes me forget that he once used to be unrestrained like the wind.

He has a body that is stronger than everyone else’s, a tough soul, a will that is as firm as steel, and a heart full of tenderness – it is soft beyond compare.

I cling to his waist tightly using my calves, wanting to brand every part of him into my heart.

🌶

Poetic spice. Yes.

-

🌻 Kiro 🌻

[ EN: Stardust Date ]

His hair, slightly drenched in sweat, brushes the tip of my nose. What follows is a sudden kiss.

The soft and blazing tip of his tongue launches a slightly rough attack, making me press my hands against his chest. Yet, I am unwilling to push him away. 

Just a few steps away from the stage, fans are still shouting for an encore, but I can no longer hear their restless cries.

All that descends into my ears is the rush of breaths.

Our disorderly breaths entwine, and we inhale and exhale over and over again, bringing along with it a brief sense of hypoxia. 

I feel dizzy and am unable to think of much anymore. My mouth is agape, like a stranded fish craving for more oxygen.

He takes the opportunity to fill in this gap. Starting with a restrained light peck, he observes my reaction bit by bit before gradually deepening the kiss.

Every cell in my body seems to be tinged with his scent. I can’t help but pull myself closer to him, wanting more, demanding more.

He responds passionately, a light crimson under his quivering eyelashes. Drenched with sweat, he looks handsome and cute.

-

🌶

I’d say this is the second spiciest date that has been released in EN so far (with Victor’s Dazzling date as the reigning champion). Good job Kiro.

MC demanding for more? Yes PLEASE.

-

[ CN: Variety Show Date（综艺之约) ]

The fingers on my back follow the trail of water and snake downwards. Blazing heat follows his movements, gradual yet eager, as they flow over every inch of my skin.

His breath lays siege, filling every crevice in my body, wet and lingering.

Even so, Kiro is not yet satisfied. His arms hold me even tighter, and he uses his fingertips and lips to hold me prisoner in this secret corner, and I am unable to withdraw.

Kiro: Miss Chips, you belong to me. So, I won’t let you escape this time.

His searing breath takes over mine. I am unable to tell if it’s water droplets or sweat that slowly trickles down our tightly-pressed skin.

In our misty vision, dots of starlight pass through the trees, and are scattered across the surface of the water. Suppressed gasps diffuse near our ears, and are amplified by our senses.  

The water sways continuously like a tide, gently wrapping two hearts that are about to merge into one.

And the breaths of the sea breeze render the night even more blurry.

-

🌶

I’m just going to assume they did the deed in the lake which is highly impractical but somehow v e r y sexy.

-

🦋 Lucien 🦋

[ EN: I haven’t read his EN dates... ]

[ CN: Warm Morning Date (暖晨之约) ]

The hand that had lightly lit a cluster of flames on my skin earlier finally lands on the back of my head with certainty, causing me to lift my head slightly.

This time, I cooperate and close my eyes.

An undisguised possessiveness spreads to the adjacent skin. In the midst of our entangled breaths, every suck and tender bite are his branded markings.

Soothed by each other’s temperatures, our hearts beat at the same frequency.

🌶

Not as spicy as the dates from the other guys, but I never pegged Lucien as one who leaves love bites so it was a pleasant surprise :>

-

Unfortunately Shaw doesn’t have any spicy dates... yet :’)

[gray-is-neutral]

Her

Dear Diary,                                                     Sunday, November 29, 9:46pm

I hate introductions, but I am always told they are important.  “Head up Seth.”  “Look them in the eye Seth.”  “Give them some respect!  Tell them your name, Seth!”  My name is Seth Myers, I am 18 years old, and I am being forced to write about my disease.  I know what infected me.  I know it’s Her fault.  I can’t bear to think or say her name.  It makes me nauseous.  She did this to me.  She made me weak.  The only way to let you understand, is to go back to when we met,

 Two years ago, I had started a new school.  It was a big school, but everyone knew everyone already. I was an outsider. A nobody with dark eyes and a sketch book.  I met a guy named Marcus Tate, a lanky guy with a loud, obnoxious sense of humor.  All girls like the funny ones, right?  I guess he immediately noticed that I did not want to talk to him because he planted himself next to me on the bus ride to school.  The Mega Beast, mother, won’t let me or my older brother, Parker, drive.  “Can’t go where you’re not allowed to if you don’t have a car,” she says.   

He was nice enough, and he tried to be respectful of my personal space rule.  I did say try because he failed.  we had stopped in front of a house with a particularly beautiful weeping willow tree with a swing.  I had to hurry and get a basic sketch before we left.  It was too perfect.  It is so hard to find something worth what little energy I have.  This is my other illness.  Chronic exhaustion.  It is manageable some days, but most days it’s not.  But this tree, it was too perfect.  Well worth the price.

I heard two people get on the bus.  The first ones foot steps were heavy, almost lead.  Almost grown.  A senior.  At least 6′5.  I heard his name get called.  Rowen.  Then came steps much lighter.  Instead of a boom, there was a tap.  Quick in pace, but calm.  A freshman. Marcus said her name.  “Hey Aster finally a freshman.  Excited?” he said to her.  Her response was sarcastic, but I can’t remember because that was when I heard the beginning of my doom.

Her steps were fast and as wild.  I didn’t mean to look up.  I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It wasn’t my fault her skin was the most beautiful brown.  It wasn’t my fault her eyes were emerald green.  It wasn’t because of me that she wore a crown of wight roses in case no one knew that she was their merciful queen.  Her dress came half way down her calves.  Her smile, though, that is what truly infected me.  “Hey!” she said, sitting next to her sister.  “Montoya!” exclaimed Marcus.  “Who’s this?” she said, looking past him to smile at me.  At me.  “This, fine young man, is my friend, Seth. Seth, this is Indigo Montoya,” he said.  “No, it’s Indigo Mendoza,” she said as she flashed that smile.  That evilly kind smile that said she loved and wanted you around.  That is the beginning of my doom.

I’m supposed to end this on a positive note, so I haven’t heard from Cooper in several days.  Maybe he’ll leave me alone. 

[johnnut28]

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[thefriedbird]

Alucard x F!Reader x Maria Renard

A/N: Hey guys! I want all of my readers to be safe when they read this. This fanfiction is based off of my experiences with having C-PTSD and being a chronic illness sufferer for many years. Lately, I have been struggling really hard with my flashbacks and this was written to help me cope to progress my trauma recovery. The Castlevania series has been at the center of my focus lately, and I had the urge to write for it. This work will have self-harm as well as mentions of child abuse and sexual assault. Be warned. But, I have been wanting to get better at writing and I’ve been wanting to write to also spread awareness on the natures of PTSD and other various chronic illnesses, I felt compelled to post this as maybe a way to help other people.This does take place after Symphony of the Night. 

If any of you have been experiencing a low sense of self-worth, suicidal ideation, self-harm, flashbacks, or have been having panic attacks please call your national suicide hotline prevention numbers. Remember that your life is precious, even if in the moment you do not see that way. You are not alone. Stay safe, you are loved.

PLEASE READ THE A/N BEFORE READING!!!!

The unbearable tingling sensation in my wrists. Making me want to scratch and bite at it, like a dog tending to its fleas. Imagining the flame fluttering across the thin skin, knowing how easy it would be to rip at it and break the veins. I felt my head twitch, my fingers starting to fidget the soreness in my fingers. I looked down to my fingertips, the shortened bitten cuticles, and the blood pooling from the tips of them. I flinched as I attempted to squeeze around the nail, the sharp pain from the hangnail digging further into the flesh beneath. My heart pounding in my chest as I fell upon the love seat, I felt my muscles spasm. The fabric of the furniture making the tingling in my wrists stronger with every brush against it. Scratch it, scratch it, bite it, bite it, do it. Do it. Now. My other hand began to caress the inner wrists, the welts around the joint already flaring. My nails began to scratch at it, my breath shaky as the pain began to burrow itself in my skin. A steady scratch turned into rapid scarring of it, my senses being lost to me. All I could feel around me was the memories, just the pain to make them gone. The pain to rid of this sensation surrounding me. Tears began to cascade down my cheeks, my attention to my wrist stopped. Now the tingling spreading everywhere else. Anything to get rid of this sensation. Anything to kill that memory. Anything to remove it. Please, help me. A whimpered cry broke itself from my lips, as it seemed my body was not my own. I fell back to the floor, I could feel my body twitching out of control. All I could think of was the screaming, the yelling, the knocking, and heavy footfalls what would be the drunken stupor of my parents. Hide. Hide. Do not interact. I feel myself bite at my wrists once more. Then I heard a yell and a door slam open, my body recoiled from the sound instantaneously. My vision was so blurry, so dizzy. What is going on? Where. No. Don’t think! Hide! I felt something pushing my hand away from my mouth. What is happening?

 “(Name), we’re back!” Maria looked around the dark house, her green gown fluttering behind her as she looked around. Alucard tailing her, the stoicism showing mild puzzlement. “Where had she gone?” Alucard muttered. She placed the day’s groceries onto the table. “I did tell her that we would not be gone long.” Maria sighed. A sharp cry followed by a loud thud rang through the halls. Alucard made swift haste into the adjacent room, banging open the door which made the woman on the floor recoil violently backwards. The dhampir tried to grab the woman’s wrists, his eyes noticing the blood coming from the harsh welts around her wrists. Maria almost slid into the floor beside her, “Oh my God, (Name)!” The gentle woman placed a hand behind the woman’s head. Maria looked to Alucard, who was desperately trying to keep her from attacking herself and the two around her. The woman’s hyperventilating drowning out all sound from the living area, her hands clutched into Alucard’s. “What’s the matter with her?” Maria cried out, tears forming in her own eyes watching the poor woman thrash about. Alucard used his free hand to place it upon (Name)’s brow, inhibiting the rough twitching and thrashing of her body. “She is just in a panic. A horrific one.” He stated, eyeing the welts. Maria bit her lip, waiting alongside her companion to watch over (Name). Maria decided to try to pet her head, trying her best in attempt to calm her down. The petting seemed to begin to sooth (Name)’s breathing, the shakiness in it beginning to deescalate, her head twitching slightly. Her cheeks stained and her eyes puffy, the fog that had clouded over her seemed to dissipate. “I’m sorry.” The woman croaked out, her voice barely a whisper. Maria broke into a solemn smile, “We are just glad you are okay.” She sniffed out. Alucard closed his eyes, a relieved sigh coming from his lips. (Name) looked up to see his face above her, “Are you alright?” She murmured. Alucard shook his head, “We should be asking you that. Not the other way around.” Golden eyes stared almost warmly, “Will you be okay?” (Name) was taken aback by the eyes, her speech stuck in her throat. Maria was about to hug her, but stalled “Is it alright, if I embrace you?” The woman beneath her nodded, letting out a shaky breath and tears spilling from her eyes. Maria embraced her happily, Alucard retreating from the two to watch. “I know it seems bleak, but you are going to be okay. No one is going to hurt you.” Maria consoled, rubbing (Name)’s back as she wailed into Maria’s shoulder. The dhampir felt at a loss, unsure how to approach the crying girl. The dhampir arranged himself closer to the two, “(Name) let me see the damage.” The young woman seemed to have swallowed a rock, her voice shaky “No. Please, I don’t want you to see.” Alucard reached out his hand. “It is alright, I need to assess the damage.” The woman shook her head violently, “No! Please, I don’t want-“ “(Name), I do not want this to get infected! I am doing this to help you. Maria!” The blonde woman looked to Alucard, “Yes?” Alucard slowly grasped (Name)’s hands, the look of trepidation in the young woman’s face as he looked over the wounds. “I need bandages for her and alcohol.” Alucard prompted, as he began to inspect both wrists. “Of course!” Maria left the room, to return with the medical supplies at hand. Alucard’s brows furrowed, as he looked to (Name). “Would you be willing to tell me your traumas?” (Name) looked up, Alucard felt a strong pang in his chest watching the emotional fatigue grow and her face becoming pale. “Mayhap.” (Name) glanced her eyes away, as Maria popped a cork from the bottle of alcohol and dabbing a clean rag. Alucard took it from his companion’s hands, dabbing the rag gently onto the wounds. A hiss from (Name), and her body unintentionally jumped from the pain. “Stay still, it will not last long. I promise.” Alucard’s voice spoke softly, his other hand coming to steady her own trembling one. Almost, seeming to caress her. (Name) felt bile coming up to her throat, tears pricking her eyes. The only affection she had ever wanted. Why does she feel this way? Maria rubbed her back, “Do I need to get a pail?” (Name) shook her head, “No, I’m fine!” Once Alucard was done cleaning the wounds, he brought up gauze and began to dress both wrists. (Name) choked back a cry, Maria shushing her soothingly as she rubbed her back. Once Alucard was finished dressing the wounds, he brought her up slowly to stand. “Will you be alright walking on your own?” He asked, (Name) nodding. “How about we get comfortable and talk?” Maria suggested, grasping a quilt from on back of the loveseat. Alucard looked to the smaller female, “Would you be comfortable with that? Know that you do not have to if you do not wish to. We will give you all of the time in the world.” (Name) placed her hand on to her mouth, as she nodded. Alucard brought an arm around her, somewhat awkwardly, but managed to set his head a top of her own. “We have you. You will be safe with us.” Maria smiled, “I will be back then. How about I make some tea, would you like that (Name)?” (Name) nodded once more, pushing herself more into the dhampir’s body. Alucard was taken aback for a moment at the increase in contact, but he did not mind. He was once in her position and maybe still is. Regardless, he would gladly allow for them both to heal together.

Once Maria came back with tea, she smiled at them cuddling onto the loveseat. (Name)’s head was buried into the dhampir’s chest, her hands clutching tightly onto his jacket. Maria was happy that she had extended the offer to Alucard to stay with her, she was right not letting him out of her life. (Name) had been staying with Maria for a while, happily traveled with her and Alucard. Yet, the two could never fully grasp onto why the smaller woman wished to travel with them both. Her excuse was to seek the wonders of the world, almost like a curious puppy. Maria could not turn her away, Alucard however felt different about it but accepted her nonetheless. But over the course of many months, their initial thoughts seemed to question something deeper as to why she had actually wanted to stick with them.

Alucard looked up to see Maria, adjusting the quilt to make it longer for her as well. Maria smiled as she sat with them, (Name) turning around to grasp the tea from her. “Thanks.” (Name) spoke, testing it as she seemed to cradle the porcelain with upmost care. Alucard looked to (Name), his expression growing serious. “When you first tagged along with us, your excuse was to learn how to defend yourself as well as to learn all that is out here. However, I believe it is also something else.” Alucard pressed, trying his best to soften the tone as to ensure he did not intimidate her. “I did want that. I do want that.” (Name) grasped the porcelain tighter. “But I also wanted to be away from it all.” Maria cocked her head, “Away from what?” (Name)’s frown deepened, “My family. I wanted to get away. I’ve moved so many times in my life, I’m so sick of it being temporary. My mother and father were heavy drinkers, and they liked each other little. They screamed and fought all the time! It is so hard to be surrounded by the foreboding fear that they would scream at me, hurt me!” The tears began to flow once more. Alucard bringing his hand to her shoulder, his thumb rubbing it in circles. “I’ve always felt so alone. Every other child’s parents were so loving. But why did they not love me enough? Why did they hurt me the way they did? They told me they loved me, but they don’t show it in their actions! For so long, I sought affection elsewhere. But he ended up hurting me too, he took me even if I said no!” Maria scooted closer to her, grabbing the trembling hand gripping the porcelain. “Here, let me take that for a moment. I would hate it if you were to burn yourself.” Maria gently set the tea on the coffee table. (Name) began to rub her gauzed wrists together, Maria cupping one of them in her hands. Gently rubbing her thumb into the other’s palm, being careful to not touch the woman’s sensitive wrists. “It will be alright, they are not here now. Alucard and I, are willing to help and care for you. Those people, did not care for you as they should have. You were supposed to grow up in a home that was safe, none of that is your fault.” “You are also not obligated to love the people who have abused you.” Alucard added. “But they are my blood-“ “Blood does not mean anything, if they have hurt you. And the one who forced you, they are no longer around. You are safe with us.” Alucard affirmed. (Name) began to whimper, Alucard pressing his head into hers. “I killed my father. My mother was burned on a pyre, the church folk claimed she was a witch. My father, Dracula, wanted to rid all of humanity. But it was my mother’s wish to me to not hate humans. But my father disregarded her wishes. So, I had killed him.” “I’m sorry.” (Name) let out a small cry. Alucard shook his head, “No, there is no need to be sorry. Our traumas are valid. But it is a point to be made, blood does not mean that you are to remain obedient to the people who have wronged you or someone you love. The one who forced you is no longer in your life; none will touch you without your consent.” Maria smiled, “I may not be able to understand both Alucard’s and your traumas, but I can empathize with your emotion’s (Name), I lost both my parents and I believe that the three of us are companions now for a reason.” Maria brushed the hair away from (Name)’s face, “You are safe here, with us. As long as we are together, I believe we can heal together as well.” (Name) looked up and nodded, smiling. “Thank you.” Maria brought up a hand, “No need. We are glad to help you. But I think we need to be able to accommodate you and help you with your panic. Do you know what set it off?” (Name) frowned, “There are a couple things that set it off a lot.” “Like what?” Alucard questioned. “Certain smells, aggression and confrontation, certain names, the cold, and my wrists.” (Name) looked at them and sighed, “Sometimes I don’t realize I mess with them until I panic.” “What were you thinking when you did?” Alucard asked. “How lonely I feel, even when others are around.” (Name) responded, bringing her knees to her face. “If you ever feel such a way, you are always welcome to come to us.” Maria smiled, “We adore and love you, (Name).” (Name)’s breath wavered, but she could not help but smile as the dhampir and the woman beside her wrapped their arms around her. This was comfort, this was what she had been desperately searching for. 

[staygoldsunshine]

The Kindling

(A sort of short story I wrote for my Fiction Writing class that I’m thinking of expanding over the winter break. Hope you guys like it!)

    Something is growing on my spine.

    Whatever it is, it’s not a part of me. It burns beneath my skin like an infection, along the uneven segments of bone all fused together by the cords of my nerves and my pained, fragmented thoughts. I’m an oven, heated from within. Steam curls off of my exposed skin and drifts up into the light leaking in through the windows--the pink and blue of neon and the silver glow of the moon. Take a deep breath and try to relax, I tell myself. Panic only makes it sink its claws deeper.

    I lift the back of my loose shirt covering the raised skin that appears so monstrous when I rise to look into the mirror. I twist and crane my neck only to freeze at the sight of how much it has grown in just a week, now glowing like embers through my skin. Soon I won’t be able to hide it with just an oversized jacket anymore. Soon people are going to start asking questions. More questions, that is. They already wonder why I’ve disappeared, why I no longer call back, why I stopped going to classes or band practice or anywhere at all. All the stories I’ve ever heard say that the monster should stay locked away in its cave. How do I explain that to them? How do I tell them that this is all my fault?

    The bottle of pain medicine sits empty on my bedside table, and I heave a deep sigh that sends a puff of steam into the air. My teeth grind inside my mouth as the thing on my spine digs its claws into my muscles and pulls like it’s trying to shape me into something else. I pull back. Stretching, massaging, hot showers, more medicine--they call it chronic fatigue. Only I know the truth, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as I can. When the monster does come out of its cave, it has to be careful, after all. One wrong move and the torches and pitchforks come out. One wrong move and it loses its head.

    Night air only strengthens it, but this is the only time that I’ll risk leaving my apartment, under the kind hand of the moon when no one looks too close and everyone is a little bit stranger. The rain-slicked pavement reflects streetlights, traffic lights, and bright windows in little patches of gold and green littering the ground as I flee for cover from the slight drizzle. Down the darkened stairway into the tunnels beneath the city, I can feel the thing on my spine shift with every step. The sickly green subway car speeds along, piloting only three passengers that don’t care to look at one another. Instead I study the still-drying graffiti of green flames consuming a giant, monster rat--someone has quite an imagination.

    Three stops, switch lines, two more stops. Get off. Avoid eye contact. It’s like a slow, winding dance with the underground world of brushing bodies who won’t have time to notice one monster among the mix.

    The street above is bustling, even at night, maybe especially at night. Strings of lights criss-cross above the crowd from building to building like manmade constellations, and I slip beneath these cold stars to find the collection of ratty tents--swirling candy cane colors that are faded from sun and rain--where the people laugh a little louder and smile a little wider. Few things make me feel like I’m not just some sort of doomed host to a wriggling, burning parasite, but this place certainly distracts for a little while.

    No one minds the way that I keep my eyes down or my hood up. They’re too busy ogling the performers. Glistening dancers in their jewels and dripping silks are huddled next to the lion that prowls around politely with a fledgling tamer, age four, riding on his back. The fire breathers scatter cinders across the dying, trampled grass, and they skitter across the toes of my shoes like stardust. Warm little flakes of burning snow.

    One of them offers me a suggestive smile as if my curiosity might possibly entail something more, and my eyes flit away like startled birds. Torches and pitchforks, I remind myself. Quickly stepping through the hustle and the jostle of sharp shoulders and pointing fingers, I find myself at the very last tent in the horseshoe-shaped carnival that lives on this little corner of town. The last tent is silent and solemn as sweet, purple smoke curls upwards from it into the night sky.

    My spine burns like stoked coals, and I breathe smoke like the tent that billows in the slight breeze. An exhale of cinders, a deep inhale of that poisonous night air that this thing finds so refreshing even as I choke. My shaking hands pull back the heavy canvas of the tent’s opening. Coughs make ash feathers flutter in my lungs, and a crackling voice calls out, “Enter, child, and shut that infernal opening.”

    The interior of the tent is even more enchanting than its mysterious exterior. The incense burns on a small table only about a foot tall, and a woman of curves and curls has seated herself across several cushions and pillows decked in embroideries and tassels. She looks like she might’ve been a princess of Arabia at one point many, many years ago. Now she looks more like a grandmother--out of sorts, lost in a circus with a few glass jewels on her fingers. “How have you been since we last spoke?”

    My silence is answer enough. She’s the only one who knows about my… ailment. That’s what she likes to call it, and I don’t mind that over the term that I use. Her name is Jasmine, that’s what she likes to call herself, and she tells stories of deserts and thieves and lost treasures hidden beneath the ever-moving sands. Whether she’s really seen any of these things or not, she’s a talented storyteller, and she never picks up the same thread twice. Each one spools out into a vast unknown of wonder and that sweet-smelling smoke that fills up the tent in place of oxygen. She curls one of those golden threads around her finger now and tugs.

    To escape into these stories, even for just a little while, is a welcome relief.

    “They say the prince still haunts that oasis, waiting to spirit away his true love to their castle in the clouds,” Jasmine finishes finally with a sigh. “Isn’t that romantic, child?”

    “Yes,” I say and not without meaning it, but she can see in the way that my hands twist the hem of my shirt that I did not only come for a story this time. “Jasmine… about my ailment.”

    She stops fanning herself with her painted fan for a moment and glances towards me with milky eyes that reflect the low light like the moon winking in at the fraying seams of the tent. “Haven’t you found a way to get rid of it yet?” Jasmine sighs again. She’s a professional at the art of sighing, practically invented it herself. “How terrible for you, my darling.” One of her silken bony hands reaches forward and takes one of mine. “Are you ready now? For what we’ve spoken of before? I know that you were frightened, but…”

    “I’m still not sure.” I can feel the thing inside of me grow defensive, its spines rising up and pressing against my skin. My nails bite down into the palm of the hand Jasmine isn’t holding until the pain subsides, and I sigh, not with the same theatrics as her but with enough frustration to jostle the creature beneath my skin. “But if there’s someone I could talk to, I think I’m ready for that at least.”

    Jasmine dips her hand into one of the silken folds of her robes and draws out a yellowed business card which she places into the palm of my hand. “Go to this address and tell them that I sent you. They handle all sorts of cases like yours.”

    Felix Fitzwilliam’s Second-Hand Horror Shop, the card reads in curling, faded script, with an address listed underneath.

    “All sorts? You mean there are others like me who have experienced this?” I lean forward, a tick too far and the thing on my spine flutters slightly in agitation. I wince and lean back again. “Or something similar?”

    Jasmine nods her silver head. “Yes, of course, child. You’re not the only one who’s had something strange awaken inside of you. It is a danger that many face, and like you, it is one that they try to face alone.” She adds another lump of the strange, golden wax to the burner, and more smoke begins to fill the room, making it hard to see her. “Don’t make the mistake of letting it control you forever. One day, it’s going to get too big to carry around on your back.”

    The smoke burns my eyes now, and the painted fan in Jasmine’s hand flicks open again like the wings of a paper butterfly, curling the smoke with the gentlest movements of her wrist. In another moment, she’s disappeared entirely deeper into the tent, and I’m left with nothing but a business card and a face full of smoke.

    Sage advice from a circus act comes with its nuances, of course.

[vetisntdead]

Murder, By Internet

From the vets behaving badly blog

Feb 24, 2014

I apologize in advance for the length of this, but the story is a bit involved, and I believe illustrative.

Blood ran down my arm, across the back of my hand, and dripped onto the exam table. I stood there quietly taking the verbal abuse from an outraged pet owner, my hands resting on the metal surfaced table. It's better to let them rave themselves breathless rather than trying to interrupt. Ya learn this after a while. Once they've spewed their piece, they eventually stop to take a breath. Then they are not talking. No one can listen when they are talking. It's an A/B switch kinda thing.

I'm pretty thin skinned. Don't mean by this that I'm overly-sensitive. Far from it. Nah, I'm just old. Skin gets thinner when you get old, so when the dog rakes you with those front toenails little furrows appear, followed shortly by that red stuff. And when you follow the physician's advice and take those little aspirin daily, this inhibits platelet aggregation. Oh sorry. Big words, This means you bleed with enthusiasm from little furrows.

I learn from such encounters, even after all these decades of playing this game. I listened intently to the young man, occasionally glancing over at his embarrassed wife. I wanted to learn what he thought I'd done incorrectly. She was dumbfounded by his tirade. I was a mite taken aback myself, but I too stood there taking it in.

By the time he finished, it was completely obvious that I need not try to respond. Why waste the oxygen? This guy had it all figured out, and reality had nothing to do with our little predicament. The first words out of his mouth when he had entered the exam room with his dog, “We didn't like the last vet”, would be the first words out of his mouth at the next veterinary practice. Nothing I had to say was going to change that.

I shook my head and turned away, ignoring that little bit of his spittle hanging off his lower lip. I left him puffing in the exam room. Time to bandage the arm again.

“We should have listened to your internet reviews.”

Yeah, you should have. Thought it but didn't say it. I don't read my reviews, No point in that. But someone, (the mayor of our little city) had mentioned those reviews just the week before. Apparently next to all the good ones were two rather nasty ones. I figured I knew what those were about, and when I replied the mayor simply nodded.

One was a young woman who was incensed when I excused her dog before my exam could even begin. It had something to do with not being able to touch her vicious little dog. Her boyfriend had screamed into my face that I get paid to get bit, and I took some small exception to that bit of misinformation.

The second bad review concerned another client who announced as she entered the exam room, (yep, another who didn't like her last vet) that she was dissatisfied with the dose of the pain killing drug the last doctor had prescribed for her cat, so she had raised the dose without asking if this was appropriate.

The second sentence out of her mouth was to demand from me more of the drug, long before I had the opportunity to become familiar with the animal's condition, the history and the physical exam. I didn't jump at this opportunity for a fast sale, in as much as this was a controlled substance, and prudence suggests we not simply supply these to the public .

Numerous other demands poured from this woman's mouth with each new statement she made. And then the complaints as I began my exam. I was to do it the way she required and how dare I do it my way. I smiled and continued my exam. She continued to rail against every single thing I did. I smiled again.

Goodbye.

The mayor has been a client of mine for roughly thirty years, so I don't know why he consulted those on line reviews, but I'll get back to this thought later.

Anyway, the young couple and their dog entered my exam room. It was a busy Saturday morning and we were completely booked. We'd set aside the usual 15 minute slot for what should have been a routine visit. The chart hinted at an ear problem, and they needed a rabies vaccination. I greeted them in my usual ingratiating fashion. I'm a heck of a nice person after all. The dog was about 45 pounds of one and a half year old mix-breed.

Warning #1: “We didn't like the last vet.”

#2: Dog is wearing a harness rather than a collar. This is where self-preservation kicks in. It's kinda like how you feel when the guy walks into the convenience store wearing a ski mask. Maybe he just has bad acne, but ya still watch em closely.

#3: I get down into my squat that I use to greet every dog that comes into my exam room. This is diplomacy in the dog world. It invites the dog to come over and make friends. It often begins the process that defuses doggie anxiety in the vet's office. It makes the job easier. The friendly dogs just love it. The clients love it. And I really enjoy the dogs. This dog approaches to a four foot distance, stares at me, raises it's lip about a half inch, and then runs behind the man.

#4: “The last vet took a foxtail out of his ear.” When was this? “Last July.” OK, that's foxtail season. Seems reasonable. “But it didn't get better.” (Seemed he intimated that the other vet faked taking a foxtail out of the ear. Heard that nonsense before, too)

OK, how long has he had this ear infection? “I don't know.” Well, how old was he when you first noticed it? “He was about 7 months old.” So, about last February. And it's been infected ever since? “Yes. It didn't get better after the last vet treated it.”

Small wonder. Ears infected for a year, treated once, didn't get better. We gonna need more than 15 minutes for this.

Dog had erect ears, so from across the room I could see a bit of the inside of the ears. They were pigmented black. Bad sign. Usually takes years of neglect before the ears turn black. Turning black is scaring from chronic inflammation, and it portends other damage that is not only permanent but often requires what we call salvage surgery to keep the dog from suffering needlessly. Poor dog's owners clearly lacked the clue.

The young woman showed me the crinkled flattened tube of ear infection medicine. It contained plenty to treat the ears for the usual 10-14 day treatment. “We've been using this ever since, and he didn't get better.”

Sigh.

Without understanding the reasons for chronic or recurring ear infections in dogs, the poor owners who are treating these ears are unlikely to get it right. No knock on owners ( this time), but when not handled correctly such infections often turn into disasters, and even when handled correctly they are often not cured, but merely managed. The sun comes up in the east, and some dog ear infections are extremely challenging to treat. That's just how it is.

Educating pet owners is the single most important thing veterinarians do. This is how we best help the animals. It is critical. It prevents a lot of the preventable disasters. It is also the most challenging aspect of the job. (there he goes, picking on pet owners again) So I spent a half hour explaining the basics to this young couple. My receptionist stopped by to wag two fingers in my face. The next two clients were already waiting. But I was getting somewhere with these two and I didn't want to stop. They seemed to be learning.

Now you might wonder why I still hadn't examined this dog. Normally, this would precede the education part, but I like to give the fearful dogs time to become accustomed to the room and me, and it gives me time to defuse some of the anxiety or hostility residing in the owners, for they set these dogs off by how they react. So I laid on the whole lesson, going back over each concept in different ways when they didn't understand. I'm good at this. Done it for decades. Most clients thank me once they figure things out. I made my other clients wait while investing important time with this couple. It began to feel as if we might make this work.

The time arrived when I would try to examine the dog. Prospects for this hadn't improved much. The dog still would not come over to sniff me. It had sniffed the entire room, wandered out of the room when the owner didn't pull him back by the leash, but never once approached me. You don't simply reach for a dog behaving like this.

I got into my squat again, and it approached to that same 4 feet, and then headed for the other side of the room. The man holding the leash stood right beside me. His dog was over there, giving me the eye. Silly veterinarians often wonder why the owners don't simply use the leash to pull the dog to them so we can actually do our job. Rarely happens. So after a bit, I reached up and took the leash from his hand, and gently pulled the dog toward me. He stopped at that magic 4 foot distances. A bit more tug on the leash as I entreated the dog to come. Harness goes up and over head, landing limply on the floor. Dog hurries over to stand beside the woman, over there.

I held up the useless and turned to the man. “This is why you don't use a harness. They give you no control over your dog.”

Woman stands next to dog. Doesn't grab his collar. Doesn't try to bring the dog over to me. Man does nothing. Woman speaks, “Maybe I should leave the room. He gets real protective of me.”

Ah...warning #5. I shouldn't need to explain this one.

I turn to look at the man standing next to me. Why don't you go over there, take the dog by the collar, and bring him over here? A novel concept he had apparently not considered.

He squats next to me, dog cradled between his legs, biting part facing out. Perfectly wrong set up for dealing with an untrained fearful dog.

I take collar and pull dog in front of me. He lunges left, he lunges right, he lunges left again. I hold collar. He stops lunging and I turn him to face away and induce him to sit. Soft calming voice, praising him for a sit, petting and scratching his back. He settles a bit. I touch an ear.

Dog lunges left, dog lunges right. For expedience I will not repeat this part over and again. The dog did. Take my word for it. After some considerable time, I give up on examining ears. I turn to look at the man who is still squatting right next to me. No attempt whatsoever to control his own dog.

Your dog really needs a good obedience training course. Not only will it teach him to behave, but it will impart him with some badly needed confidence so he won't misbehave like this. Nothing.

OK, enough wasted time. I give the dog his rabies vaccine, and go to stand up. Dog launches one more time, spinning in a circle, which locks my hand in the collar. Not a good thing if he begins to nibble on my arm. Manage to untangle my hand without injury, but dog rears on his hind legs and rakes my arm with his claws. I know that feeling. I'm done with dog and turn him loose.

I'm washing the blood off my arm when the man launches on me. He doesn't like how I held his dog by the collar. Really? How else does one hold a dog by the collar? Silly me. Took me a bit before I realized that he didn't want the dog held at all. That thing where I always say that the use of a harness is the owner's concession that he has no desire to control the dog at all. That's this guy.

So I stood beside my exam table, bleeding, while he assailed me. And then I walked out of the room, bandaged my arm, and then put on my smile for the next client. Excuse me for trying to help. The day went on, as they have for all these decades.

Will this guy put up a bad review on line? Don't know. Don't care. I don't read reviews. I don't defend myself when a bad one shows up. Don't care. My practice has been growing for decades because satisfied clients send their friends to me, and people who don't like how I try to help their animals are welcome find someone who does it differently. Lot's of ways to skin a cat. (sorry cat lovers)

Does it hurt my feelings after all these years of dedicating my life to helping people and their pets to have someone scream at me like that. Yeah....a little. I got into this profession to help, and I've sacrificed a lot to continue doing this for a lifetime. Mostly it is rewarding. Sometimes it breaks my heart.

So why the longs story? Well, last week a few people killed a veterinarian I know.

Oh, they didn't poke her with a knife or shoot her with a gun. But they killed her.

Shirley was in practice for over thirty years, and although a bit unconventional at times, she was always compassionate, up to date, hard working. She finally got the chance to start her own little practice. On a shoestring, she opened a small place in the city of New York. As all start-ups do, it was a struggle. The economy still sucked. The weather sucked. The likely illegal collusion between landlord, banker, contractor and maybe even organized crime nearly bankrupted her. But it took crazy cat ladies to kill her.

A feeder of feral cat colonies in the city adopted a cat from a shelter and then turned it loose in a city park, in the snow and the 2014 winter, to struggle on its own. This lady thinks this is good for cats. Some friends of hers brought the sick cat to Shirley for a medical problem, but of course declined most everything necessary due to cost. So as she had done in the past, Shirley asked them to surrender their cat so she could care for it and then try to find it a nice home. Because they could not provide properly for the cat, they agreed. Later, the woman who had turned the cat loose in the park showed up to claim the cat, and Shirley refused. She didn't want to see the cat abandoned again. And she didn't at that point even know who owned the cat. For she had been duped into believing the first two people owned it.

That's when it started. Vicious evil people have the same voice on the internet as the rest. An organized assault on Shirley began on the net. An on-line blog that specializes in character assassination zeroed in on her. Protesters with signs lined the street in front of her hospital, and had to be removed from her clinic by the police. People who had no idea of the facts hopped on board with the mob because the evil rich veterinarian deserved it. They were vicious, conscienceless, and evil. But they got their wish.

Shirley killed herself the other night.

And the vermin on the blog celebrated, cheering her death in their posts.

Ask any veterinarian out here. This hurts us. So I guess they win.

[lucywithlupus]

The Ultimate Kit for Arthritis Survival

Behold, the most powerful Ziploc bag you will ever meet. Hello guys! Today, I bestow on you some wisdom. During the first years or months of having a rheumatoid disorder, keeping track of your pills and doing your everyday activities can be a challenge. Especially when you do not have things to help you out in moments of need. So today, I am going to tell you the best and only items you may need to take with you in your already (let's face it)  messy bag to save you in those creaky moments. Without further ado, here we go: Ultimate Kit for Arthritis Survival!

Musts

Your Meds It goes without question: where you go, your meds will follow. You know what you take and what allows you to stay functional during the day, so please take it with you in case of an emergency! Maybe that day your rheumatoid factor spiked up and decided to ruin your day, or maybe you have to go somewhere for longer than needed and you are stuck in the sticky situation of not having your meds available when you have to take them. So please meds in the bag. Even if you think you won't need them! Take all of the ones you take during the day! You have no idea how many times I was saved by my anti-inflammatories when being away from home. To make it easier, use those tiny pill containers to place them inside. Curse pharmacies or something but pills doesn't come in rainbow colors and may get confused if you just shove them in there with no order or nametag. Don't carry the whole jar though, it may explode!

Thermometer Your thermometer is your best friend. You know you have a best friend when both of you have a common enemy: fever. Basically, fever is caused in your body when your hypothalamus is trying to maintain temperature homeostasis- aka regulate your body temperature- at the moment pyrogens attack. Pyrogens are substances that induce fever, and these could be either microorganisms and viruses- aka infections- or pyrogenic cytokines, which are produced by your own body when inflammatory processes - like rheumatic inflammation- are going on. So keeping a thermometer is always key to have your body levels on check. You don't even need to check that often, only when you feel something is not right. Just make sure it is not an original mercury-filled thermometer, as those may break in your bag and poisonify everything you own. Including the bag. And you. Instead, I would recommend an electrical thermometer: they are pretty inexpensive, more accurate, less difficult to see and even beep when they are done so you know you waited enough time. So throw one in there too! What's next?

Panadol Panadol is your other best friend. Love her in all her gentle yet pain slaughtering glory. Scoop some panadol pills and place them into your small pill case, making sure to write her name down so you don't confuse yourself later! Warning: Be careful when consuming panadol often, it does not cause harm but may affect your liver in the long run. Just follow the package instructions and we'll be all good to go.

Med schedule This is actually something many people forget about because it just seems so unnecessary: why keep my schedule in there when I can just memorize it or use an app instead? Well, it makes sense because you are basically placing your plan of attack right inside your bunker. Right in the wall where you can see it, grab your ammo and battle out. Sometimes when I used apps, my phone died or I had it in my pocket and never saw the reminders. It is always better to trust the good old post-it note and smack it right there inside the bag for when you really need it.

Antibacterial gel Bacterias are everywhere. I think my microbiology teacher put it best: they are on you, in you, I shall repeat, inside you and all around you. And the sad thing about rheumatoid conditions is that immunosuppressors- aka medicine that lowers your immune system's ability to defend itself-  are a very common treatment. Which means that you are under constant attack by the outside world, everywhere, all the time, every day. No pressure. Throwing some nice scented antibacterial gel in your bag is just a habit for me (look at the small bottle! It has sparkles in it!) It just takes one thing off of my mind to worry about. Every time I please, I just plop some of that clean goodness in my hands and bam! No germs. Don't abuse this, because they can be harmful to your skin, and sometimes can even contribute to germs getting stuck in your hands if they are not actually "antibacterial". Be careful and pick the sparkliest one.

Moisturizer or pain relief cream Everyone has a moisturizer at their house. Jot it in your bag, or a small amount, just to make sure you have a medium to massage your joints in when they get inflamed. Maybe today you run too fast or went up those stairs too enthusiastically. So in those moments its great to sit down, examine your inflamed joint and rub the pain away. Icy Hot is a great brand for chronic joint problems: it burns terribly at first but then it leaves you icy cold and fresh. Other gym-branded pain relievers will do as well since muscle tearing conditions like lupus also apply to what the packaging indicates. Give yourself a break and soon you can continue with your day as nothing happened :)

Optional These are items that you do not need to have. It would be worth to spend on them eventually, but if you do not have the money or ability to get these, then do not worry. The items above will do just fine for now. (Remember tho: student discount codes exist too!)

Tissues: keep you fresh and ready if you are sick or have a fever. Gloves and mask: just to protect your nose and mouth from the smoke and overcrowding. Pretty inexpensive if you know where to find them. Worth investing the extra money instead of using disposable ones. 

Heart rate monitor (HRM) or sphygmomanometer: definitely more of a luxury item, but are now found relatively easily in phone apps and smartwatches. People use them at the gym, on hikes and, sometimes, just bored on the couch to checked if they are secretly a robot.

Spyro-majigger is basically what the doctor uses to measure blood pressure. Keeping track of your heart action is great to make sure the medicine is not giving you tachycardia and that fever is controlled. It may be useful in your next appointment!

Eyedrops: keeping those eyes clean of any superficial dust during the day.

The actual bag: now, the Ziploc bag is an option, but if it were me, I would recommend investing in an actual cloth makeup bag or school pencil case to carry your medicine. It's discrete, much nicer and less likely to break in your pockets or purses or schoolbags. Just know to wash it regularly and keep what's inside at bay.

And that is all that I have for today, folks! See you around! Love you!                   ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Observen, la bolsa Ziploc más poderosa que ustedes conocerán. 

Hola chicos! Hoy dia les daré un poco de mi sabiduría. Durante los primeros meses de tener una condición reumatoide, fue un desafío planificar mis pastillas y hacer mis actividades diarias. Así que hoy les diré algunas de las cosas que tú necesitarás llevar contigo en tu (seamos honestos) desordenado bolso o mochila para esos momentos de riesgo. Sin más preámbulos, aquí vamos: El Ultimate Kit para sobrevivir a la artritis.

Cosas que debes tener

Tus medicinas

Fuera de bromas: donde tu vayas, tus medicinas te seguirán. Tu sabes lo que consumes y qué te ayuda a mantenerte funcional durante el día, así que por favor agarra lo que necesites en caso de una emergencia!Quizá ese dia tu factor reumatoide decidió subir abruptamente y arruinar tu dia, o quizá debas ir a algún sitio por más tiempo del necesario y estás atorado en una situación pegajosa hasta nuevo aviso, sin tus medicinas para salvarte. Así que: medicinas en la bolsa. Incluso si piensas que no las vas a necesitar! Lleva todas las que tomes durante el dia! No saben cuantas veces fui rescatada por mis anti inflamatorios cuando estaba fuera de casa.Para hacer las cosas más sencillas aún, utiliza esos mini contenedores de pastillas para organizarte. Las malvadas farmacias no hacen pastillas de todos los colores del arcoiris y podríamos confundirlas si solo las tiras en tu cartera sin orden o el nombre escrito encima. Solo no cargues el jarro entero: se rompera!

Termómetro

Tu termómetro es tu mejor amigo. Sabes que tienes un mejor amigo cuando ambos odian a la misma persona: fiebre. Básicamente, la fiebre es causada cuando el hipotálamo trata de mantener tus niveles de temperatura estable. Este balance corporal se llama homeostasis, y puede perder el control cuando los pirógenos atacan. Pirógenos son substancias que inducen a la fiebre. Esta se produce en el cuerpo ante la aparición de microorganismos y viruses o citocinas pirógenas, que se producen por tu propio cuerpo cuando los procesos inflamatorios reumáticos ocurren. Un termómetro siempre es clave para tener un buen registro de tu temperatura. Ni siquiera necesitar chequearte tan a menudo, solo cuando sientas que algo no está en orden. Por favor no utilices uno tradicional lleno de mercurio, pues se puede partir y envenenar todo lo que tu tienes ahí. Incluyendo la bolsa. Y a ti. En vez de eso, opta por un termómetro eléctrico: el precio es más bajo que nunca, son más precisos y menos difíciles de usar, incluso suenan cuando ya puedes ver qué temperatura tienes y te evitas la espera dudosa. Así que agrega un termómetro también ahí! Que sigue?

Panadol

Panadol es tu otro mejor amigo. Ámala en toda su gentil y asesina-de-dolor naturaleza. Toma unas cuantas y agregalas a tu pequeño pastillero, escribe su nombre para que no te confundas!Advertencia: Ten cuidado cuando consumes panadol muy a menudo. No hace mayor daño en exceso pero puede afectar a tu hígado a la larga. Solo sigue las instrucciones del empaque y estaremos listos para salir.

Antibacterial

Las bacterias están en todos lados. Creo que mi profesor de biología lo explica de la major manera: están sobre ti, en ti, repito, dentro de ti y en todo tu alrededor.

Y lo más triste de las condiciones reumáticas es que los inmunosupresores- o medicina que reduce la actividad de tu sistema inmune y este no pueda defenderse- son un tratamiento común de la artritis. Esto significa que tu te encuentras en la línea de fuego cada vez que sales al mundo exterior, todo el tiempo, todo el dia, todos los días. Sin presión.

Tirar una botellita de gel antibacterial con un olor rico en mi mochila se volvió un hábito para mí (Mira la botellita! Tiene escarcha adentro!). Solo el tenerlo quita esa preocupación de mi cabeza. Cada vez que yo plazca, puedo poner un poco de este amiguito en mi mano y bam! Sin gérmenes.

No abuses de esto tampoco, por que algunos pueden ser malos para la piel o incluso contribuyen a que los gérmenes se peguen a tus manos si en serio no son tan "antibacteriales" como dicen. Ten cuidado y agarra el más brillante.

Crema humectante o crema para dolor muscular

Todos tienen al menos una botella de crema humectante en casa. Ponla en tu cartera, o separa un poco en otro envase, para asegurarte de tener algo con qué masajear tus articulaciones si estas fueran a inflamarse.Quizá hoy corriste demasiado rápido o subiste esas escaleras muy vigorosamente. En esos momentos, es bueno sentarse, examinar tu articulación inflamada y sobar hasta que ya no te duela.

Icy Hot es una marca buenísima para problemas crónicos de las articulaciones: te quema increíblemente al principio pero después de dejar frio hielo y fresco. Otras cremas musculares de gimnasio también funcionan, pues cuando los músculos se desgarran después de un buen entrenamiento, producen la misma situación que el lupus en tu cuerpo.

Date un descanso y pronto podrás continuar con tu dia como si nada hubiera ocurrido :)

Opcional

Estos son artículos que no necesitas tener. Valdría la pena invertir en ellos eventualmente, pero sí en serio no puedes costear telos o no tienes la habilidad de conseguirlos, no te preocupes. Los que mencioné antes está bien por ahora (Recuerda que los descuentos de universitarios existen!).

Tissues:para mantenerte fresco y listo si estás enfermo o si tienes fiebre. Guantes y máscara:sólo para proteger tu nariz y boca del humo y de los sitios con mucha gente. Ahora los precios son bastante favorables si sabes donde encontrarlos. Es una buena inversión a diferencia de las máscaras desechables.

Monitor de frecuencia cardiaca (HRM) o esfigmomanómetro:definitivamente algo más costoso, pero ahora los puedes encontrar en tus apps de teléfono y smartwatches. Las personas los usan en el gimnasio, en caminatas o, a veces, aburridos en el sillón chequeando que no son secretamente un robot del gobierno.

Esfigmo-nosequé es básicamente lo que usa el doctor para medir tu presión arterial. Tener un buen record de tu perfil cardiaco es excelente para asegurarte que tu medicina no te de taquicardia y tu fiebre esté regulada. Quizá sea útil en tu próxima consulta médica!

Gotas de ojo:mantiene esos ojitos limpios de cualquier polvo superficial durante el dia.

La bolsa:ahora, bolsa Ziploc es una opción. Si fuera yo, recomendaría invertir en una pequeña bolsa de tela, estuche de maquillaje o cartuchera para cargar tus medicinas. Es discreta, más bonita y menos probable de romperse en tus bolsillos, carteras o mochilas escolares. Solo recuerda limpiarla con frecuencia y revisar qué hay dentro de vez en cuando.

Yyy eso es todo, amigos! Nos vemos pronto! Chau!

[paleorecipecookbook]

A Nutritionists Answers Your Top 10 Questions About Autoimmunity

Chances are that you know someone with an autoimmune condition, or perhaps you’re one of the estimated 20 percent of the population affected by autoimmunity. (1) By the young age of 30, I had been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, alopecia areata, autoimmune hypothyroidism, and eczema…all autoimmune diseases. I was told I’d need lifelong medications to control my symptoms, but I wasn’t willing to accept drugs as a solution, so I started doing some research.

I went back to school and obtained my Master of Science in Human Nutrition, writing my master’s thesis on the connection between diet and autoimmune disease, citing research that’s based in antiquity, yet unknown by most doctors today. What I learned is that all autoimmune disorders are intimately connected to gut health. Moreover, the gut/disease connection has been known for over 2,000 years! As the father of modern medicine (Hippocrates) said all those years ago: “All disease begins in the gut.”

Using what I learned, I changed my diet (abandoning nearly 25 years of vegetarianism) and went Paleo. The results were undeniable, and nearly a decade later I’ve been able to keep my autoimmune conditions in remission by using the wisdom of Hippocrates: “Let food be thy medicine, and medicine be thy food.”

Top 10 Questions About Autoimmune Disease

As a clinical nutritionist at PaleoPlan, I have the pleasure of helping thousands of people across the globe to also reverse their autoimmune conditions by modifying diet and lifestyle. Here are the most common questions I’m asked about autoimmune disease.

1. What is autoimmunity?

Stated simply, autoimmunity happens when the immune system gets confused and turns against us. Normally, the immune system keeps us healthy by attacking anything foreign that gains access into the body. When you catch a cold, your immune system produces antibodies and inflammation to destroy the infection. In autoimmunity, this immune response won’t turn off, which results in the production of chronic (long-term) inflammation and the destruction of healthy tissues. If left unchecked, it can cause serious damage, and even death.

2. How common is autoimmunity?

Autoimmune diseases are extremely common these days. When considered collectively, they are the most common diseases in the United States—and possibly worldwide. (2, 3) Some clinicians speculate that nearly everyone has some degree of autoimmune activity occurring in their body. Women are affected much more than men (likely due to hormones) and make up more than 75 percent of all autoimmune cases. (4)

3. How many different autoimmune diseases are there?

To date, nearly 100 different autoimmune diseases have been identified and theoretically, an endless number could exist because the immune system can attack virtually any part of the body. All autoimmune diseases involve an overactive immune system attacking healthy tissue, and what distinguishes them is the part of the body currently under attack.

For example, rheumatoid arthritis happens when the immune system attacks the joints. Hashimoto’s and other autoimmune thyroid conditions are the result of damage to the thyroid gland. Lupus is when your body’s organs are the victim. Psoriasis and eczema occur when your immune system attacks your skin. Multiple sclerosis is when the myelin sheath surrounding nerves is the target, and type 1 diabetes results from an autoimmune attack of the pancreas. While these conditions are very different in their outward manifestations, they share a common root cause: an immune system that won’t turn off. The resulting chronic inflammation is a key characteristic of all autoimmune disorders.

4. Can you have more than one autoimmune disease?

It’s very common to have more than one autoimmune disease, and they tend to occur in clusters and also run in families. (5) When the immune system is revved up and producing inflammation and antibodies, virtually any and all healthy tissues can fall under attack. In many cases, the first sign of autoimmunity is a malfunctioning thyroid. (6)

5. What causes autoimmune disease? Is there a cure?

The medical community is in conflict about what causes autoimmunity to develop. A number of different theories exist, and while researchers don’t agree on the exact details, they all share the belief that something from the environment is triggering these conditions. (7) This external trigger could be a virus, bacteria, another pathogen, a toxin, or something we ingest that gains access to our body by leaking through the gut wall.

Many people are told autoimmunity is genetic and other than medications, there isn’t much that can be done about it. A more integrative approach to medicine would argue that while autoimmunity is indeed influenced by our genes, it’s possible to turn these genes “off” so they are not actively expressing disease.

A new theory set forth by Dr. Alessio Fasano suggests a trio of triggers must be simultaneously present in order for autoimmune disease to be active, and if any one of these triggers is removed, it will go into remission. (8) This trio of triggers includes:

a genetic predisposition to autoimmune disease

a leaky gut

one or more triggers causing the leaky gut

While we can’t remove genetic predisposition, we can turn these genes off by addressing the other two factors of the trio, which boil down to healing leaky gut. While there is technically no “cure” for autoimmune disease, many people have achieved remission simply by restoring their gut health.

6. How does a leaky gut trigger autoimmunity?

The gut lining is only ONE single cell layer thick, designed to allow the passage of nutrients while preventing the entrance of toxins. Nature put 80 percent of our immune system beneath the gut wall to protect us from any “bad guys” that manage to sneak through the gut and into the body.

During leaky gut syndrome, tiny holes develop in the gut lining and stuff enters your body that shouldn’t be there (like bad bacteria, undigested food particles, toxins, etc.) In response, the immune system produces inflammation to combat these foreign invaders. If the leaky gut never heals, inflammation can become chronic (long term) and cause widespread tissue destruction. This chronic inflammation also flips on the gene switch for autoimmunity, causing the disease to express itself in a vicious cycle. To achieve remission, we must turn off the genes and the inflammatory response by healing the leaky gut.

7. What causes leaky gut (and subsequently, autoimmunity)?

Two main triggers have been shown to produce leaky gut in everyone (not just people with autoimmunity): (9)

Gluten and similar proteins found in grains and beans (and nuts and seeds to a lesser extent)

Dysbiosis (imbalanced gut microflora)

Our collective gut health has been on a steady decline since the mid-1900s due to the increased consumption of refined and processed foods, grains, polyunsaturated vegetable oils, and carbohydrates, coupled with a decrease in saturated fats, fermented foods, food variety, and nutrient density. (10) By returning to an ancestral diet (how people ate only a few generations ago), the gut can heal, which disengages the immune system and stops the autoimmune attack.

8. Can Paleo reverse autoimmunity?

The Paleo diet naturally excludes the main triggers of leaky gut (grains, beans, common food allergens like dairy, refined and processed foods, excess carbohydrates, etc.), while including a higher percentage of healing fats and fibers. Paleo is beneficial for many autoimmune patients who often start experiencing relief from their symptoms within days or weeks. Depending on the severity, it can take longer, and some people need to take things a step further to fully heal their gut and reverse autoimmunity.

9. What is the AIP (Autoimmune Protocol)?

The Autoimmune Protocol (AIP) is a stricter form of Paleo that removes other potential gut irritants like nightshades, egg whites, nuts, seeds, and more. The AIP also encourages the consumption of bone broth, collagen, fermented foods, and other gut restorative measures.

People often wonder if they have to follow the AIP forever to keep autoimmunity in remission. Because the AIP restricts so many foods, it’s not ideal (and often unnecessary) to remain on it long term. When someone is new to Paleo, I recommend starting with strict Paleo for at least six weeks to allow for more variety and a gradual detox period. Paleo alone can do wonders to reverse autoimmunity and several other chronic conditions. If you’re still having symptoms after six weeks, then consider following the AIP for up to a year. Some people benefit more by following a GAPS/SCD approach to healing the gut, whereas others end up needing herbal antibiotics or probiotic support to treat underlying infections, or nutrient supplementation to correct underlying deficiencies.

10. Does anything other than diet trigger autoimmunity?

Other factors, such as stress, alcohol, medications including NSAIDs, infections, and other stressors can also influence gut permeability and instigate autoimmunity (although diet seems to play the biggest role for most people). We call Paleo a “lifestyle” rather than a “diet” because of its holistic approach addressing all of the essential lifestyle factors necessary for achieving optimal health.

The Bottom Line

If you suffer from an autoimmune disease, please know that there is hope! Many people achieve and maintain remission from their autoimmune (and other) chronic conditions simply by following an ancestral way of living and eating, and tending to the health of their gut.

Need help fixing your gut to reverse autoimmunity and other chronic conditions?

Ready to rid your body of inflammation so you can look and feel your very best?

If you’d like help hacking your health, I’d love to help you out! My guided 30-Day Paleo Challenge starts soon—click the link below for more details and I hope to see you there:

Join the 30-Day Paleo Challenge HERE

In good health,

Kinsey Jackson, MS, CNS®

PaleoPlan Nutritionist

The post A Nutritionists Answers Your Top 10 Questions About Autoimmunity appeared first on PaleoPlan.

Source: http://bit.ly/10qRbxJ

[amphetameme-queen-blog]

If you slip up...

Here’s my master list of how to take care of yourself after a b/p, stay strong my lovelies!

1. Physical Damage Control

Teeth -

It's usually a warning sign to have bad teeth as someone less than seventy years old. It's a 'classic' symptom of bulimia and I've heard a lot of (rookies) swear by brushing their teeth. DON'T FUCKIN DO IT MAN. I used to b/p anywhere between three to ten times a day at my worst, but I always kept a handy supply of TUMS or antacids on me. Your teeth become weakened when you b/p in the first place, so the abrasiveness of toothbrush bristles tends to wear down on your enamel. I never brushed my teeth after I would purge, and I've been b/p'ing on and off for about four years now. Like I said - ten times a day at the worst. I went to the dentist last month and they said that my teeth were like, perfect. It was actually shocking. Thank god for chemistry I suppose.

So how does it work? Well, the calcium carbonate (the main ingredient of TUMS) neutralizes the hydrochloric acid (stomach acid) on our teeth like it would in our stomach. It's basically a high school chemistry equation.

CaCO3+ HCl -> CaCl2 + CO2 + H2O.

The symptoms you'll get (after an antacid) is basically just burping up the CO2 lol. It's much more preferable to tooth decay, might I say. OH and if you don't have any antacids on you, baking soda works in the same way. Just put a teaspoon of baking soda into water, swish it around your mouth, and spit it out. It doesn't taste great, but you could probably mix it with a little alcohol-free toothpaste so it tastes more minty. I highly recommend against swallowing baking soda because it will most likely irritate your stomach and make you even more nauseous, and not in an emetic way. (Ana butterflies don't get any stupid ideas it's not gonna work like you think). Swallowing baking soda just makes you kind of uncomfortable, really.

Y'all need to floss too. I sound like I've got a major stick up my ass, because who actually flosses flossing is for old people and l0zers fuck that shit. Nope. Flossing once before you go to bed helps your teeth against yellowing, in my experience. I wouldn’t recommend flossing post-purge as your gums tend to be much more sensitive. ‘Cuz who’s trynna get gingivitis yeah no one.

Sinuses -

​Remember that time you (regrettably) b/p’d on rice? And you felt that rice grain up there and took a napkin and blew fuckin snot rice into your napkin, like the sexy beast you are?

Yeah I remember that too.

It’s pretty apparent that stomach acid anywhere besides your stomach is a recipe for havoc. The stomach acid eats away at the mucous membranes in your nose, leading to constant sniffling, loss of smell, and chronic sinus infections. Even if you don't feel irritation in your nose immediately following a b/p, the acid can still lead to damage.

So how do you remedy this?

From my experience, the Neti-Pot saline rinse is the best bet. You can use the one that looks like a tea kettle or the one that's a squeezy bottle - both do the same thing. I have the squeezy bottle and it's really simple to use. You add water up to the fill line

And then you pour the saline packet into the bottle and mix thoroughly (just shake the bottle). Be sure to use FILTERED DRINKING WATER because tap water often contains heavy metals like copper or iron, which isn't good for your nose. Then put the plastic bottle with the saline-water solution into the microwave for approximately 35 seconds, and be careful to make sure it isn't too hot. Make sure it's just slightly warm and then screw the cap on tightly. Lean over a sink and gently squeeze the bottle into one nostril until the water comes out the other. Don't worry, it doesn't provoke the dreaded “oh god there's water in my nose I feel like I'm drowning” feeling. Your sinuses are connected and because the water is warm (like body temperature) it won't come as a shock to your body. Repeat the process on both nostrils until the bottle is done.

I've had actual chunks of food come out of my nose before, and I'm like, “shit, that would have just been hangin out in my nose the entire time?” So it's really important for preventing sinus infections or acid damage to the nasal cavity.

​Electrolyte Imbalances -

​If I had a dollar for the amount of times I've seen THAT PICTURE of the dead bulimic girl I would be richer than Donald Trump. Yeah, she died from gastric rupture blah blah blah but I always see blogs referencing that picture with the danger of heart failure and death in bulimics.

Despite how frequently I used to purge, I'm not dead yet! Hurray I guess! I used to get serious heart palpitations after a long day of purging, but I could mitigate some of those side effects with proper hydration and electrolyte drinks.

I ain't talkin no purple Gatorade shit either. Gatorade isn't as hydrating as one would think. It's made for athletes who are working out and sweating, and releasing salt through their skin. Gatorade replenishes the sodium and sugar, but if you're not working out/sweating a lot, the extra sodium could cause water retention *panics* The best option for electrolyte-replenishing is coconut water, in my opinion. It's naturally high in potassium, which is the principle electrolyte lost by vomiting. Pedialyte takes a close second for hydration because it's designed to replenish electrolytes, like if you have the flu or something. You can buy Pedialyte over the counter at most (American) pharmacies.

Electrolytes are important in muscle contraction, which includes the heart. This is why many bulimics die from heart attacks

Of course, the best way to get potassium is through potassium-rich foods. Some examples:

Avocado

Acorn squash

Spinach

Sweet potato

Wild-caught salmon

Dried apricots

Pomegranate

Coconut water

White beans

Banana

Source: Dr. Axe

Y'all also gotta be mindful of your magnesium too. Magnesium is lost (most notably) through diarrhea and thus laxative abuse. Here's how to remember the electrolytes:

Potassium is lost through Purging and Magnesium is lost by taking Mega Shits.

I'm laughing bahahah but I shouldn't be because the magnesium thing is no joke.

2. Psychological Damage Control

The Post Purge Freakout-

​Quit playin. You know what I’m talkin’ about, that anxiety like fuck fuck fuck what did I just do I’m a worthless human I deserve to-

Stop.

These thoughts seem real, like ground-breaking realizations that affirm your worthlessness and desire to continue hurting yourself with ED behaviors. Diffusing these thoughts feels like the hardest thing to do in the moment, of course, but self-care is one of the most important factors in preventing another episode. I’m not trying to be some over-simplifying, self-righteous therapist who thinks that mindfulness is the only way out ‘it’s all about positive self talk, honey!’ Nah fam, anyone who’s dealt with the vicious cycle of bulimia knows it’s not that fuckin’ easy, and so I’m not trying to sugarcoat the fact that post-b/p self-care can be really goddamn difficult.

The best post-b/p self care I’ve implemented is putting on cozy pajamas (if you’re at home) and just taking a five minute break from what you’re doing to listen to music, draw/write, or go on a short walk. Let yourself feel comfy and secure, like being wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket. Give yourself just five minutes to collect your feelings, and realize that a past slip-up can’t determine the future. Because that’s all it is - in the past. What’s in the past is done, and no amount of hateful self talk or self-injury will change that. But what you do in the present is what matters. Think about it as a fork in the road -

“Okay, so I just binged and purged, I have urges to hurt myself or compensate for what I just did, but what will happen if I don’t do either of those things?”

Nothing.

You might panic. You might cry. Let the tears come, if you are in a safe place where you feel you can do so. We know that the day might have sucked, but time stops for no one. The next thing you know, it’s the next morning. The sun is shining through your window, you are alive and your body is resilient. BOI IT’S A NEW FUCKIN DAY! YESTERDAY WAS A CAN OF SHIT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, TODAY DOESN’T HAVE TO BE. The important thing is that you lived through those horrible feelings, and you’ll remember that. You’re stronger, more resilient, and persistent than you think. You don’t even have to be in recovery to apply this. That’s not what I’m getting at. If you’re pursuing a goal, whether it be eating at regular intervals or meeting a certain calorie limit, there are going to be times you might mess up. And good god, it is absolutely okay.

Imagine yourself going to bed the next night, realizing that you had your first binge free, purge free day since you could remember. Knowing that you fought your urge to b/p will help you remember that next time, “hey, I’m stronger than my urges.”

I guess what I’m emphasizing here is self-forgiveness. I know a lot of people’s ED’s are driven by self-hatred and you’re all such beautiful human beings who deserve to love yourself as others love you. Wow. That got really deep real fast. But hey, I’ve been through it all.

~

Yo. I'm gonna add more to this, but only if people are interested in my ED-related writing. I'm actually working on a blog right now but I figured I might as well post some stuff here for feedback. PLEASE comment I would love to hear from you guys. 'Do I write like a sappy self-help book'? 'Is it relatable and/or helpful?' Let me know in a comment or DM what you're feelin about it. Sending hugs!

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Even numbers :}

THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU CRAZY KIDDO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU’RE A BLESSING ON THIS WORLD!!!!!!

2: is your room messy or clean?

It’s kind of a mix?? Like I leave my clothes folded on top of the drawers rather than putting them away bc the drawers stick and it’s just easier access. The messiest thing about my room is that I’m a human magpie who likes collecting shiny/interesting things so I have a lot of stones and bits of metal or ceramic and some nuts and bolts lying around pffft. XD But mostly I keep things kinda tidy.

4: do you like your name? why?

I DO NOW!!!! :DDDDD

6: describe your personality in 3 words or less

uUUUuuHHHHHh well-meaning, stubborn, energetic! :D

8: what kind of car do you drive? color?

I currently drive my parents’ car. It’s dark grey… not gonna say what model. XD

10: how would you describe your style?

Like, clothes wise? Either very simple n plain or outrageously colourful n quirky. Depends on the day. XD

12: what size bed do you have?

Double.

14: if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

Oof honestly just back home (in Victoria.) A part of me also wants to try out a big city?? I’ve always lived in the country and tbh I kind of hate big cities because they seem to be filled with rude busy people but I wanna live there just to have something different and so I’ll know for sure and to say I did, y’know? (lmao a friend and I joke that we’re gonna move to NYC together one day, so she can keep my li’l naive country boi ass from getting chewed up and spat out by New Yorkers. I appreciate it. X’D )

16: favorite makeup brand(s)

No idea. I’ve only worn makeup twice, and those times were when my Mum begged me for a solid year until I finally caved and let her do it… grumpily. X’D

18: favorite tv show?

S E N S E 8

20: how tall are you?

5′4. :)

22: do you go to the gym? 

Nope, not enough money. I used to work out a lot at home and I got p ripped but because of my eating disorder I had to stop. Still haven’t started up again yet. :(

24: how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

21 bucks. :D

26: how many pillows do you sleep with?

2. One under my head and one to cuddle (shut up, I kNow. XD )

28: how many friends do you have?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯  too lazy to count, however many people I interact with online. I don’t have any irl friends… god that sounds pathetic. XD

30: whats your favorite candle scent?

Absolutely no idea, we never have any. That’s actually something I wanna change when I get my own place. I like candles. They calm me.

32: 3 favorite girl names

God I am so shitty with names. My characters either name themselves or they don’t get names. X’D UUUUUUUUHHHHH, Amber, Ida, Carmen??? idk???

34: favorite actress?

Emma Thompson is an actual fucking legend and I would go to battle for her.

36: favorite movie?

How to Train Your Dragon or Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse! :D (If it has to be live action: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. :P )

38: money or brains? 

Heart.

40: how many times have you been to the hospital?

For myself, personally? Lots when I was a baby bc I had chronic ear infections and would literally just scream 24/7 and never sleep, I was in so much pain (poor tiny Matt. :(((( ) Once because I had a really bad migraine around age 13 that literally would not go away and had me throwing up every other minute and in such bad pain I wanted to literally die. And once recently when I felt super sick for months and months and finally went only to find there was nothing wrong with me?? turned out it was my gluten intolerance but dear god I had never felt that sick.

42: do you take any medications daily?

Just my asthma preventer (and I forget to take that a lot and end up not being able to breathe as well as I should, bc I’m the World’s Biggest Dumbass :)) XD )

44: what is your biggest fear? 

Physically: Not being able to breathe. Emotionally: The people I love ending up hating me just because I’m me. There’s a lot of irony to unpack there but I’m just gonna set the whole suitcase on fire. :)

46: whats your go to hair style?

Shaving the whole damn thing off.

48: who is your role model? 

I don’t really have one?? I guess my parents?? But I don’t really wanna be exactly like them either? I think it’s unwise to put anyone on a pedestal bc nobody’s perfect.

50: what was the last text you sent?

Screaming to a friend about how cute her OC is. XD

52: what is your dream car?

Literally could not care less so long as it gets me where I’m going and it’s neon yellow. X’D

54: do you go to college? 

Nope, dropped out of highschool early lmao.

56: would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

Rural I guess?? But that’s only because I’ve always lived rural and don’t know any different. it’s quiet, I like quiet.

58: do you have freckles? 

Yep! I don’t have them in big patches tho? I just have like, some random single ones scattered all over my body?? XD

60: how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

Don’t have a phone and dear GOD I don’t even wanna know how many pictures I have on my laptop. Answer: too many. XD

62: do you still watch cartoons? 

OF COURSE!! :D

64: Favorite dipping sauce? 

idk I don’t really dip things in sauce? Maybe just tomato sauce?

66: have you ever won a spelling bee?

Yes, actually!! Woooo go bb Matt!! :D

68: can you draw? 

Stick figures? Yes. XD

70:what was the last concert you saw?

Never been to one.

72: Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Only ever been to Starbucks so I can’t really compare. 

74: what is your crush’s first and last initial?

76: what color looks best on you? 

I think blue does. 💙

78: do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Open. Sleeping with it closed freaks me out, idk why. 😅

80: what is your biggest pet peeve? 

Being condescended to. :///

82: favorite ice cream flavor? 

Mint choc chip! Or rainbow! XD

84: chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

GIMME THE GAY SPRINKLES EVERY TIME.

86: what is your phone background?

Laptop background is currently THIS incredibly amazing beautiful accurate drawing Oli did of my OC Ben!!! :’D

88: do you like it when people play with your hair?

Y E S. I used to hate it when it was rlly long but now it’s heaven. ^-^ Unless I’m in one of my ‘being touched makes my skin crawl’ kind of moods.

90: do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

Just whenever I have my shower, occasionally during the day if I’m sweaty or whatever. Sometimes if my insomnia kicked me in the ass I splash my face n neck with cold water to wake up in the morning.

92: have you ever been drunk? 

Nope, and I really don’t want to be. The idea of being out of control of myself, even just a little bit, is terrifying to me. No thanks. I also just generally do not like alcohol, idk why. 

94: favorite lyrics right now

My all-time favourite lyrics come from Twenty One Pilots’ song ‘The Judge’ (even though I don’t actually like the song itself I love the lyrics):“When the leader of the bad guys sangSomething soft and soaked in painI heard the echo from his secret hideawayHe must’ve forgot to close his doorAs he cranked out those dismal chordsAnd his four walls declared him insane”

96: day or night? 

*chanting* NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT N

98: favorite month? 

Ironically, considering my character March is a giant dickwad, it’s March. XD The weather is just starting to turn cool after the grueling summer and it’s also my birth month! :D

100: who was the last person you cried in front of?

My Dad. Yikes.

AHHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKIN, ALEX!!!

[azuisreading]

Always only you by Chloe Liese

Ren The moment I met her, I knew Frankie Zeferino was someone worth waiting for. Deadpan delivery, secret heart of gold, and a rare one-dimpled smile that makes my knees weak, Frankie has been forbidden since the day she and I became coworkers, meaning waiting has been the name of my game—besides, hockey, that is. I’m a player on the team, she’s on staff, and as long as we work together, dating is off-limits. But patience has always been my virtue. Frankie won’t be here forever—she’s headed for bigger, better things. I just hope that when she leaves the team and I tell her how I feel, she won’t want to leave me behind, too. Frankie I’ve had a problem at work since the day Ren Bergman joined the team: a six foot three hunk of happy with a sunshine smile. I’m a grumbly grump and his ridiculously good nature drives me nuts, but even I can’t entirely ignore that hot tamale of a ginger with icy eyes, the perfect playoff beard, and a body built for sin that he’s annoyingly modest about. Before I got wise, I would have tripped over myself to get a guy like Ren, but with my diagnosis, I’ve learned what I am to most people in my life—a problem, not a person. Now, opening my heart to anyone, no matter how sweet, is the last thing I’m prepared to do.

Review

I found this book unexpectedly, but my interest grows so big I had to read it. I didn’t know it was a second book until later, so much later in the story, and I’m more than up to reading to know the rest of the Bergman brothers. 

I hadn’t finished it when I found out it would be part of my comfort readings, not that I, surprisingly, have a read list with that kind of book. At least I didn't have one until now. And it’s that Frankie, an autistic and chronically ill woman, makes me believe that I can be loved too. Not that I’m an autistic person myself, but I’m starting to admit that I’ve been chronically ill for a long time. 

It’s a sensitive book, a whole romantic one, and it took me by surprise that is also spicy. I usually don’t like the last type of book, I felt... uncomfortable, and this wasn’t the exception, but even with those scenes, that I understand don’t matter who the person is or what they have, they also deserve to live and experience things like those, this book doesn’t stop to feel comforting for me. 

Taking care of the person you love, even when they aren’t by your side. Making them see you. Being loved by the person you love, that‘s some sort of a miracle. Showing them that no matter their circumstances, difficulties, or obstacles, they’re loved, they deserve to be loved, and such things don’t diminish that. That’s what I like to see. 

Phrases that I liked so much that I marked them while reading 

«If I weren’t a freakishly coordinated athlete, I would have crashed the car.»  — Chapter 3. 

«This is one of the disadvantages of having reddish hair. You can’t hide your emotions to save your life –you wear them on your skin.»  — Chapter 3. 

«"'Love goes by haps; Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.’”»  — Chapter 3. 

«No one this wonderful should feel so unsure of himself.»  — Chapter 5. 

«"Plotting world domination?”  “But of course.”»  — Chapter 6. 

«"Give me six to ten feet, Frankie. I’m serious. If I get you sick, I’m going to get cranky.”  “That’s not a disincentive, Bergman. I’d pay a lot to see you get cranky.”»  — Chapter 7. 

«"Francesca, pay attention. This is important. […] You need a masky thing-a-ma-bob. I have a fever. And I keep touching you. And breathing near you. Dr. Amy!” he hollers.  “Ren.” She laughs. “Right here, buddy. What’s up?”  “This here Francesca is...” He frowns. “Ah, I can’t think of the word right now. But it means her medicine makes her body very friendly towards the germs. She needs something so she’s safe from my plague.”  Amy grins at me, then directs herself to Ren. “While that’s very considerate of you, I’m confident your fever isn’t due to anything plague related. When I was assessing you, I noticed signs of a sinus infection. Remember, I told you I was going to give you some antibiotics?”  He stares at her. “I do not remember that.”  She pats his good arm. “That’s because you got your head knocked nicely. You told me you’d had a cold recently, and I told you it seems like you developed a secondary bacterial infection in your sinus cavity from it. That’s why you’re fevered.”  He squints at her one-eyed. “Can you maybe condense that to smaller words? I’m not following.”  “What I mean to say is,” she says gently, “that you aren’t contagious. You won’t get Frankie sick.”  “Oh, good.” Ren sighs and lets his eyes fall shut. “So, she can keep holding my hand, then, and I won’t give her the plague.”  “I should go anyway,” I tell him. “Time for you to sleep, Zenzero.” Slowly, I start to pull my hand away, but Ren clamps down on it, and his eyes pop open.  “That’s it. That’s what I wanted to ask you.” He tries to sit up and falls back, grimacing. “Forgot about that,” he groans.  “Easy. You know I’m always around. We can talk tomorrow.”  “No.” He stares at me seriously. “I need to know this. What does zenzero mean?”  “Well, it’s silly,” I say, lowering my voice. “It’s just Italian nonsense.”  “Nonsense.” He frowns. “You call me nonsense?”  “Dammit, Bergman. No,” I whisper. “It means ginger, okay? Because you’re...” I wave my hand in the general vicinity of his face. “You’re a ginger. It’s cute.”  Ren’s smile is so bright, its voltage could power a city block. He cranes his head toward Amy. “Hear that, Dr. Amy? She thinks I’m cute.”  But before I can say a word in my defense, he shuts his eyes on a soft sigh, drifting off, his hand locked tight around mine.»  — Chapter 7. 

«"I should get better at escaping that kind of situation.”  “What’s your usual tactic?”  “Making up an excuse for why I need to leave.”  “Ah. And you didn’t leave this time because...”  “Because I was waiting for you. Of course, I didn’t leave.”  “You could have waited in your car, Ren. You didn’t have to deal with that for my sake.”  “What do you say you let me worry about how and where I wait for you, Francesca?”»  — Chapter 10. 

«"I’d be flattered if someone thought you were with me.”»  — Chapter 10. 

«"We’re not done with this conversation,” he says firmly.  I pat his shoulder reassuringly and stifle my grin. “Whatever you say, dear.”»  — Chapter 10. 

«She leans against the wall, with a smile that’s so dangerously beautiful, I’m worried my heart’s going to beat right out of my chest. At least I’m at a hospital. Someone could probably do something about that here.»  — Chapter 11. 

«That's Ren’s Give-me-grace-Jesus-I'm-trying-not-to-beat-the-shit-out-of-somebody face.»  — Chapter 13. 

«"And then once I set you down, I’m going to murder my brother.”»  — Chapter 13. 

«"Who I do or don't spend time with outside the rink has nothing to do with my professional performance, which is the focus of this press conference. While we’re on that subject, I’ll be returning for Thursday’s game. Next.”»  — Chapter 13. 

«But why is she hurting? Aren’t her meds supposed to manage that? A fierce surge of worry and protectiveness blasts through me. I want to wrap her up and kiss it all better. I want to take everything inside her that hurts and put it in my body. I’m big. Solid. Someone like me should have this, not someone like Frankie. It’s unfair. Patently unfair.»  — Chapter 21. 

«When you live with chronic pain, you get used to living through it. You just do life, until you collapse.»  — Chapter 22. 

«"I know that. I just want to stay with you.”»  — Chapter 22. 

«"I've been told in no uncertain terms that you’re to come to Ziggy’s family birthday party, and if I don’t bring you, I’m not welcome.”»  — Chapter 23. 

«"You're perfect,” I tell her.  Snorting, she laughs. “I’m far from perfect, but if you mean I’m appropriately dressed, then I’ll take it.”»  — Chapter 28. 

«"Thank you, honey cakes.”  “They get worse and worse,” Frankie mutters.»  — Chapter 28. 

«"I was here with you. I’m the one who had half an eye on you and caught you before you nearly cracked your head on the concrete. I’m the one who knew what to do. I’m the one who wouldn’t let anything come between you and me until I knew that you were okay and that you were going to wake up.”»  — Chapter 29. 

«"I understood becoming a couple to mean that, among other things, when either of us was hurting, we were no longer alone in that. So, I have a relationship to your pain. It’s not mine, and I don’t get to tell you what to do with it, but I get to choose to love you through it. And if and when you need care and comfort —which, like it or not, the past forty-eight hours, you did— I get to be the person who gives it to you. That’s basically the point of a relationship. Isn’t it?”»  — Chapter 29. 

«"Yes, you’re going to be all right. And yes, you can handle this. But guess what?”  “What?”  She smiles. “You don’t have to do it alone.”»  — Chapter 29. 

[kj52]

46 (left) 26 (right) same weight (210 lbs) different health.. I used to have chronic nasal infections, sick days, skin probs & sleep issues. Now coming up on 50 I’m rarely (if ever) sick, I box guys 1/2 my age & honestly feel the best I’ve ever felt. From the guy who wrote the Mt. Dew/Cheeseburger song I know what it’s like to be addicted to food/soda & feeling like I couldn’t turn the corner on my health. Treat your temple (body) like God’s dwelling place & not a trash dump and you’ll see how it takes care of you. With all this talk of Covid prevention I often wonder why we don’t talk about how to build the immune system with diet/sleep/rest/prayer(meditation) & exercise. I’ll be dropping some tips that have helped me over the next month if anyone is interested.. love y’all & I pray for blessings on your life! ““Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.” ‭‭3 John‬ ‭1:2‬ ‭ https://www.instagram.com/p/CZCXUjCut9W/?utm_medium=tumblr

[darkfire-kai]

A lewthur fic with Arthur having Hanahaki disease, please? Some angst with happy endind (becauseIwannaseemyboyhappyandlovedattheenddamnit), like Arthur having the disease even before the 'incident', but he hides it for the sake of his friends' relationship and his friendship with Lewis. After Lewis' death, Arthur refuse to do the surgery, considering it self-punishment for what happened. But then Lewis comes back (ofcourse). From here we'll see what happens next. P.s. I love your writing.

….Hanahaki Disease? *Looks it up* Huh… A disease one suffers from having a one-sided love, by coughing up… Ooooooh. Okay! Sure thing Nonny! I’m going to branch off of canon here so you’re warned, but I hope it is enjoyable all the same. Also oops, it turned into a small book. Haha… I have to break this up into parts actually, so consider this part one. I hope you don’t mind but I wanna answer this thoroughly for you Nonny. It’s been awhile since someone wrote me a request~.

~Hope you like it.~

Part 1

~Prologue~

It had happened shortly after they met. The pain that burned in Arthur’s chest plagued him for awhile, for weeks, but he did not understand what caused it. He mentioned the pain to his best friend Vivi, but their new friend Lewis…he couldn’t make himself say it.

As they grew closer together, the pain only grew worse. Doctors didn’t have a reason for it, some blaming his anxiety for it. However, as he and Lewis grew closer, another symptom appeared. The pain in his chest turned to coughing, and the first time he was lucky enough to be alone. The violent cough sent something crawling up his throat, and he ran for the bathroom. He expected to see his lunch. He wasn’t expecting to see the bright blue petals that fell from his lips.

He was confused, his breathing rising through the rough before causing him to cough more, and more petals fell out of his lips. He didn’t understand it at all, and he had no idea who to talk to. He let it go on for awhile, seeing as the petals were mostly harmless. He didn’t want to worry anybody, after all. He wanted his friends to stay happy, and they worried about his scrawny ass anyway.

He started carrying a handkerchief to hide them in, letting his friends write it off as a chronic cough alone. It was only after graduating High School that he finally took a chance at telling his Doctor.

He didn’t expect to actually get an answer: Hanahaki. It was a complicated disease that Doctor’s still couldn’t find an origin for. However, there was a surgery that could fix it. Alternatively, the doctor offered him another solution that sounded simple enough.

Talk to your true love, tell them how you feel, and it should go away when they accept your feelings. Sure, it sounded easy enough.

One huge problem though.

His true love and his best friends were already in a relationship, one that had started in their freshmen year of High School. They were overwhelmingly in love with each other, always holding hands and exchanging hugs and kisses.

They were perfect for each other, and there was no way he could get in between. They were always in sync, and they took care of each other. He should’ve just been grateful they kept him around as a good friend.

He dealt with the coughing, with the pain, and with hiding the flower petals. They were happy and he could tolerate it.

Solving mysteries was not the most profitable, but every dollar went into savings. He planned on getting the surgery when he could afford it, and perhaps his friends would never have to know. Then it would be happily ever after.

If only.

The green cave should have been turned down. They didn’t have enough information, the place was marked with danger signs, and they simply lacked in the proper equipment.

Yet at Vivi’s excitement, they still went inside, together. However after that night, they would never leave together again.

“Lewis…? Lewis I don’t like it here…” Arthur whimpered out as he followed his friend up a tunnel, the torch the only source of light around. It made it hard to see anything, but he lightly clutched at the back of Lewis’ shirt. “Can we just…turn back and leave instead…? I…I don’t want to go…”

A warm, deep chuckle came from in front of him, and Lewis turned his head back to look at him. His beautiful purple eyes shimmered in the torch light, his soft smile spreading across his face in an attempt to convey some comfort.

“It isn’t something to be scared of Arthur…It’s just a cave,” He said firmly and hummed. Arthur felt his heart flutter, then his chest hurt at the motion, but he still wasn’t convinced. Lewis could see that though. The man could read the squirming little blonde pretty well, and after a moment he let out a sigh. “Okay, how about this? We explore to the end of this tunnel, then we can go back and try to convince Vivi to go home. It’s a waste of our time or something. I bet if I bribe her with Chinese food on the way home, she’ll leave more willingly.”

Arthur swallowed gently, still not liking the idea, but he knew Lewis would keep his word. It was just a little farther down the tunnel, how bad could it be?

“I…I guess you’re right,” He conceded and sighed gently. Lewis chuckled and leaned back a little, making sure he could pat Arthur’s back a few times. His warmth and radiating smile made his fear melt away. He just seemed so sure that everything was okay, so how could Arthur not feel the same?

The next thing he remembered was waking up in the hospital. The pain shot through his body like he was on fire, and the doctor’s were scrambling to get him subdued properly. He felt like they were burning his entire arm, his fingers growing numb as he cried out in fear.

He looked at a nurse who was desperately pleading with him, probably telling him to stay still, but then he looked down at his arm. It hurt like mad, and he expected to see blood, or burn marks, or even bone sticking out.

Instead, he stared at nothing, an empty space that almost mocked him. All he heard was his own scream before everything went to black again.

Several weeks had to pass before his broken mind picked up the pieces. He understood the green entity that stole his body and made him do…do…the unspeakable. He could remember the feeling leave his body, starting with the offending hand, and quickly traveled up his arm. His skin had turned a sickly green, like it was rotting away from the inside, and a dark voice rang in his ears.

“It’s not fair…is it? You’re suffering… You’ve been suffering…all because this guy… All because he can’t see you…”

His throat was paralyzed, his own voice dead in his throat as he saw Lewis walk into an opening at the end of a tunnel. One eye could only see the light Lewis carried, but the other caused the scenery to tint green. He could see the end of the tunnel, the tall platform Lewis walked onto, and the endless abyss that was underneath him.

“It’s not fair…wouldn’t it just be better…if he didn’t exist?”

Why did his body have to move? Why wouldn’t it stay? Why wouldn’t his voice work? He couldn’t tell the reason why and the pain that wrecked his body was growing more intense. He could feel himself trying to fight, but he grew closer. One hand grabbed at the bad appendage, trying to make it stop.

“Or maybe if he just…disappeared?”

All he remembered was the feeling of that soft vest underneath his skin, before his nightmares were plagued with blood curdling screams and blood. He wake up screaming, and soon he’d have his Uncle in the room, trying to calm him back down again.

It was all his fault. The one he’d been in love with was gone forever, and he’d been the one to push him over the edge. It made him stay up late at night, and wake up way too early the next day. It made his appetite fade away, the blonde just unable to find his appetite most days. He still ate, but only what he thought would be enough. It caused his anxiety to build, and his relationship with Vivi was becoming more and more strained.

She didn’t remember Lewis at all, probably from trauma, and thus he had no one he could really talk to about that night. His word was falling to pieces, but the worse part was that the damn flowers never stopped. Lewis wasn’t around anymore, yet still he coughed up ugly petals, most having turned grey now, and the pain grew more intense every day. Sometimes even, he found it very difficult to breathe because of those petals. One day, it would definitely kill him.

“Mr. Kingsmen, your condition is becoming very severe,” Dr. Benson said firmly as he looked at his chart. “The Hanahaki Infection in your system has rapidly spread throughout your lungs, and the amount of petals you cough up daily is unhealthy. I must insist that you get the surgery, before it puts your life in danger.”

Arthur listened to every word his doctor said, but a bitter smile spread across his lips.

“I know… I know you would but… I refuse…” He answered, a little sigh escaping his form. “I…Is that all? Can I please go home now?” He looked up at the doctor, the tired bags underneath his eyes as he looked to him. It had been nearly a year since the incident, and his heart and soul still ached.

The doctor seemed to take pity on him, backing off with a sigh as he wrote something down in his files.

“Alright Arthur… I’m continuing your diazepam prescription, but I’m also going to add a pain killer that you can take when you need it. Your chest pain is natural with your condition, but since you refuse the surgery, this is the next best thing I can give you. You can always refuse to take it, but I would not recommend that. Please have someone call me in if your condition gets any worse… Okay…?”

Arthur bit his lip and nodded his head. The doctor stayed where he was for a moment, before speaking out firmly. “Okay?!” Arthur got the hint this time and looked up at his doctor.

“Yes Sir… I understand,” Arthur said firmly and gave him a half smile. Feeling more satisfied, the doctor stepped out and had a nurse come back with discharge papers. Arthur took the papers in his hands and sighed as he walked out to his van, before leaning back against his seat. He bit his lip and closed his eyes, letting his chest settle down. “How can I…?”

How could he put an end to his pain through surgery? How could he do that when the one he had loved so much, was all gone? He couldn’t feel anything anymore. This pain that bubbled in his chest…this was the least he deserved.

He loud out a harsh cough as more petals fell into his hand, an exasperated sigh escaping his form as he whimpered out gently. He took the clump of petals and tossed them out the window, before taking the key and turning it in the ignition.

A light buzz from his cellphone gets a sigh and he answers it, fully expecting it to be Lance asking about the appointment.

“Hey Artie~,” He heard Vivi practically sing through the phone, making his voice catch a little in his throat.

“Oh hey Vivi! I wasn’t expecting a call from you!” He immediately responded, trying to return her cheerfulness. It was hard to match that energy, especially when he felt like a hole was being torn in his chest.

“I know its been awhile, but I need a ride to a house outside of town,” She said happily. “I promise to buy you pizza on the way! My first ride bailed on me. Plus, I really want to hang out! You’ve been avoiding me lately, and don’t even try to deny it.”

Arthur immediately clicked his teeth shut, closing off a response that he had prepared for Vivi. He swallowed a moment, looking down at the metal arm he had been keeping at his side. He felt chills roll down his spine when he saw it, and he bit his lip again.

“O….Okay…. Where are you at…?” He asked tentatively, before listening to the girl give him directions. Feeling uncertain, he slowly drove to the shop she worked at.

She hopped in the car, he hung up the phone, she turned on the radio, and Arthur started driving in the direction she pointed out. He felt a light cough rack his form, his hand covering his mouth as he forced himself to swallow some petals. They tasted bitter, but he didn’t say anything until he knew he’d gotten rid of the evidence. “So…So where are you going exactly…?”

“I’m going to a cute little house on the edge of town,” Vivi responded with a happy little giggle. There was a suspicious lilt in her voice, and Arthur raised an eyebrow at her.

“Why do I feel there’s more?” He asked, though he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer.

“Oooh~. That’s nothing,” She cooed and smiled at him. Arthur visibly sighed and shifted to rub his forehead.

“Vi…”

“Okay okay, it’s just a little job,” Vivi answered and giggled. “A nice home owner asked me to check out her house. She says she thinks there is a ghost haunting it, but they haven’t shown any violent actions or concerning actions. So I think maybe it’s a lost spirit looking for a place to return.”

Arthur’s sigh rocked his body, and he felt his chest ache a little.

“You’re just… You wanted to go all alone?” He asked sharply, Vivi shining him a casual smile.

“Yep!” She responded and hummed some more.

You are a terrible liar…

The whole reason she called him, was probably because she knew Arthur would not let her go into some creepy place alone. He audibly sighed, before he stopped the van at a gas station and looked over at Vivi.

“You’re not fair…” He muttered unhappily, and she tilted her head over in joy.

“Oh whatever do you mean?” She asked, her dog Mystery finally showing his head from the back seat. He must have been distracted to miss when he got into the car.

“Cut the crap… You should just ask me if you want to do a mystery together…” Arthur said bluntly. Vivi pouted at him, then let out a little chuckle.

“Well you would find a reason to get out of it, and this way, I would know you totally don’t before hand,” Vivi said firmly, before leaning closer. “Arthur… You’ve been really cooped up lately… It’s been a long time since you’ve done…anything! And I…I want you to hang out with me more… I thought we were best friends.”

A small pout, but genuine and sweet eyes made his heart melt. He knew she was right, that he’d been avoiding her for awhile now, but this wasn’t the way he wanted to do it.

I would have never met with her again though…not on my own.

“We need to talk about this later but I… I won’t let you go alone,” Arthur said firmly and sighed. “So…Give me the details.”

[archergabriella]

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