#Has anyone done this already? I have no idea I just felt compelled to make this pls

[kuttblueberry]

It felt very them <3

Based on these vvv

[bloompompom]

LOVER BOY | MINI SERIES

in which eren falls hard for you, his friend-with-benefits who insists she isn't looking for anything serious

PART ONE - all that glitters

⟡ content: eren jaeger x female reader, good old-fashioned college au, fwb-to-lovers, mutual pining/idiots in love, cheesy rom-com, smut fic with feelings, fluff, angst, sexual content, explicit language, alcohol, drunk sex. reader discretion advised. 18+ ⟡ word count: ~3k ⟡ masterlist (1/4) ⟡ a/n: writing has been a struggle but this came to me in a vision. i needed something easy and fun to get me back in the swing of things. enjoy ♡

“Eren.”

You whined his name in that signature drunken way, with the last syllable drawn out and pronounced like a plea—as if pleading with him was ever necessary. 

“What’re you doing right now?” you asked. “D’you wanna fuck?”

No, not really. But Eren would make sure you made it back to your dorm room alive and as well as one could be after too many drinks. Still, he couldn’t deny how the back of his neck warmed at the offer. 

“Yeah,” he replied. “Where are you at?”

After the call ended, it was only a matter of seconds before his friends predictably started heckling him.

Connie hung his headset around his neck, shooting Eren this too-knowing look when he asked, “Lemme guess who that was.”

“How about you don’t?” Despite Eren’s flat affect, his words had a biting edge. He kept his head down as he shrugged his jacket over his shoulders. 

This wasn’t the first time Connie broached the subject, also known as you. Although it proved to be a sore spot for Eren, Connie didn’t plan to stop poking any time soon.

“Dude, she’s got you pussy-whipped,” he barked, “with a capital P, dude.”

“You said ‘dude’ twice,” Eren groused, hoping that would be the end of it. When the baiting look on Connie’s face didn’t let up, Eren felt compelled to defend himself. “I’m not pussy-whipped. She’s at a party and needs someone to walk her home.” 

Connie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before.”

Lounged on his bottom bunk, Jean glanced from his phone screen to Eren. “You know, these sorts of arrangements—friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, whatever weird thing you two have going on—they don’t normally end well.”

Jean said it smartly, in that been-there-done-that way as if his longest relationship wasn’t with his right hand. Before Eren could call him out on it, Connie jumped in on the dog pile.

“And last time I checked, they don’t involve catching feelings,” he asserted, thinking he'd added something meaningful to the conversation. 

“I didn’t catch feelings,” Eren refuted. 

“Then tell me straight up you’re going over there for pussy and not because you think she’s magically going to wake up one morning and want to have a serious, exclusive relationship with you after literal months of saying otherwise.”

Ouch.

“It is exclusive,” Eren corrected, though his delivery was a bit shaky. “I mean, I’m not sleeping around.”

“Well, duh. But is she?” 

Eren realized he had no idea if you were sleeping with anyone else. Why was he so quick to assume you had been faithfully fucking him? That wasn’t in the terms of your agreement. 

Regardless of what (or who) you did when he wasn’t around, you called him tonight over anyone else. That had to mean something, right? At the very least, it meant the decency of giving him a heads-up if you were fucking someone else, he liked to think. 

“I don’t think so,” Eren said. “She hasn’t mentioned anyone, and I’m sure she’d tell me if—”

Connie guffawed. “God, you are down so fucking bad. Just admit it to yourself.”

Eren had already done that a long time ago but they didn’t need to know that. Truthfully, they didn’t need to know anything about you, yet all three of his roommates managed to acquaint themselves with you despite never having met.

Eren tried to keep his fling with you under wraps—not for any special reason other than it was none of his friends’ business. But if he thought he was being sneaky, then he was doing a shit job at it because his friends caught on fast. After they spotted a poorly-hidden hickey, it didn’t take much to pull the dirty secret from him. 

But it wasn’t really that dirty of a secret, was it? They understood it; why would he stick around and play video games with them when he could be getting his dick sucked? What they didn’t understand was why he continued doting on you like he was your boyfriend—no, like he was your puppy, loyal and entirely dedicated to you while maintaining that it was nothing more than casual sex.

Fat fucking chance. They would never believe such a thing. They knew Eren better than that. They knew he wasn’t meant for casual. 

Eren bristled but held his tongue. Connie was right, and whatever bullshit Eren could spout wouldn’t be worth the breath; they’d never believe him.

If only he’d kept his mouth shut in the first place. At least then he wouldn’t need to dread this collective ‘I told you so!’ from friends who were all too eager to say it. 

Lest he wished for this to devolve into the world’s shittiest intervention, Eren left without another word—not even a ‘goodbye’ in reply to Armin, ever the diplomat, hiding out on his top bunk until he deemed it safe. Unfortunately for Eren, his silence (and the slammed door) spoke louder than anything he could have said.

You’d sent Eren your location because you didn’t have half a mind to explain your whereabouts. Not to mention, the streets back on Fraternity Row were old and cobbled and poorly lit. You were a few blocks over from Eren, only a five-minute walk. Four, if he picked up his pace. 

Had it really been months since this whole thing started?

You and Eren were introduced under more formal circumstances. He couldn’t confidently say you would have met if not for your professor’s intervention. She randomly assigned partners for the final project, stating everyone needed to ‘branch out'—as if they needed another freshman orientation course. Looking back now, Eren could appreciate the icebreaker. 

That was in November. He met with you on a Friday only to spend the rest of the weekend with you on his mind. He remembered it well. For good reason, too; he’d never made out in a library before.

Neither had you, apparently. That was what you told him, whispered between giggles as you rose from your chair. You knew you were up to no good as you slipped into his lap, and you wore a glittery smile to match.  

Eren’s conscience told him otherwise, but the more bestial part of his brain had already justified it with boyishly sound reasoning as to why it was perfectly okay. 

First off, the two of you were tucked away in a secluded corner, hidden behind bookshelves blanketed in dust older than his college career. He hadn’t heard so much as a footstep the entire hour he’d spent here. 

Secondly, who would come to the library this late on a Friday anyway?

It made for quite the compelling argument, outside of the fact that he himself was one of those Friday night library goers. 

Eren couldn’t explain how you ended up there, astride his lap with his bottom lip sucked swollen and drawn between your teeth, other than stating the obvious: the attraction between you was instantaneous and the conditions were just right. The literature was just horrifically boring enough; the tension between you was palpable, nibbled away at bit by bit like a mouse gnawing on a cord. Accidental touches, as chaste as a hand brushed against his, became deliberate and lasted longer than the last. You would sit close, then closer, and move in a way that Eren would catch thin whiffs of your perfume, a sweet scent at the tip of his nose but warm in the pit of his stomach.

And like a cord, you risked a fateful snap: the moment you’d realize you were far more interested in each other than any ten-point word on the page—when you’d agree to leave the project abandoned on the table and let it fade into insignificance. 

Eren didn’t know the last time someone made his heart beat that hard, if ever. Hard enough that he remembered worrying you’d feel it. Of course, it could have been from the thrill, but he had to admit you left him feeling completely caught off guard. He wasn’t sure if the feeling ever truly went away. 

Exactly one week later, he discovered you had some friends-of-a-friend in common after bumping into each other at a house party. You approached him, eyes half-lidded, pupils dilated, but your smile as glittery as he remembered. You introduced him to a few girls, laying a hand on his arm as you said, “This is the project partner I was telling you about.” It flattered Eren to know you'd mentioned him, but more than that, it told him that you’d been thinking about him, too.

You brought him back to your room that night. It was the obvious choice between the suite Eren shared with three other guys or the single you miraculously snagged.  

It was fun—and Eren knew how it sounded when he said that. ‘Fun’ wasn’t the first word that came to mind when he thought about having drunk sex with a near stranger. Fumbling and awkward, yes. But fun? Not so much.

Yet with you, it was.

The pressure he put on himself melted away at the touch of your hand. Maybe that was the moment, if he had to name one, when he first felt something. Something that ran deeper than a hormone-induced make-out session in the library and deeper than any one-night stand. All you had to do was be you. The drunk version of you—of both of you—but still you, nonetheless. 

You kissed him not on your half-lofted bed but you were on your way there. Eren had your back pressed against it before breaking the kiss to take off your shirt. You helped him with his next.

Your hands immediately flew to his stomach, palming over the muscles in a way Eren wouldn’t describe as sexual—more like you were impressed.

“Whoa,” you remarked with a sort of wonder he didn’t expect. You squeezed his bicep next and then glanced down at your own. “Do you think I can get those?” 

“Yeah, I’ll send you my gym routine,” Eren laughed. Though he supposed he didn’t really have a routine, he just went to blow off steam.

He pulled you into him, snuffing out your giggles with a kiss. 

Confessedly, he came fast—not that fast, but quicker than he would have preferred. But he liked to think he made up for it, fingering and eating you until he was hard again and could go for round two. You sure seemed to like it. 

When it was all said and done, Eren lay there and imagined falling asleep at your side, while you were already hopping out of bed.

Ugh. Putting it like that made him sound like a girl.

You exchanged numbers before parting ways, and he dedicated another weekend to you, this time planning his text to ask you on a date. He took so long that you reached out first, sending what you called your fuck it! text, both figuratively and literally—you cheekily threw that into the message, too.

When Eren agreed to ‘just sex, nothing else,’ he thought it was making the obvious choice. What idiot would say no to that? It sounded like the college dream, and that was what it was supposed to be, up until it wasn’t.

From then on, the time you should have spent working on your project, you spent fucking. Shameful but true. It was probably the reason you received a C. As it turned out, humans don’t retain much information when attempting to read aloud while another went down on them. Maybe the two of you should have done your project on that instead.

It was nearly spring now. The soggy beginning of the season as winter finally began to melt away. The night was rain-soaked. Eren could smell the remnants of the downpour on the asphalt as he walked against the breeze, chilly enough for him to hide his hands in his jacket pockets. 

He approached the bustling house to find you sitting alone on the stoop, legs bent at the knee and a bit knobbled. He called out for you and watched a gigantic smile capture your face. The sight made his chest tighten.

Eren held out his hands for you to take and tugged you to your feet. 

“Where are your friends?” he asked you.

“I dunno,” you absently said.

You passed him as you crossed the lawn. When you reached the sidewalk, you spun on your heels to see if Eren was following. He was.

“Don’t worry, I texted them that I was leaving.” You started to laugh. “Told them I had a booty call.”

“A booty call?” Eren pretended you wounded him, clasping a hand over his chest. “Is that all I am to you? And here I was thinking we were friends.”

You giggled as you kept your attention on steadying your stride. A bumpy sidewalk plus a few drinks past your limit didn’t make for a coordinated combination. Your arm brushed against Eren’s every few steps. 

“Seriously though,” he started to say. “Shouldn’t your friends be the ones to get you home?”

“You are my friend.” You beamed up at him, eyes heavy but happy. “You said so yourself.”

He smiled back at you, genuine but closed-mouth, and didn’t flinch as your cold hand nudged a path into his for warmth. 

He guided you into your residence hall and joined your elevator ride up to the eighth floor. He walked you down the left wing to the room at the very end of the hallway and swiped your student ID to unlock the door. He reached to flip the light switch but found it was already on.

“You left the light on,” Eren commented, closing the door as he followed you inside.

Your dorm was no larger than any other, but it sure felt like it with just one bed, tucked into the corner and still unmade from this morning. Your desk sat opposite it, with a window on the back wall dividing the two. The last time Eren saw your desk, he had you on it. By now, the clutter had been put back in its rightful place—a few loose papers and your open laptop—and doubled as a makeshift vanity with your tabletop mirror. 

You hummed blithely before nearing him in a few steps. You went to kiss him, even had your hands on either side of his face, but you only caught the corner of his mouth. He took you by the shoulders and held you at arm’s length. Even from there, your breath reeked of vodka. 

“You need to get some sleep,” he told you.

“I will,” you purred. “After—”

You shook free of his hands and peeled off your shirt, faltering slightly in the process. You tried to kiss him again, thinking your bare chest would surely tempt him.

When Eren didn’t budge, you pouted, “You tricked me.”

“Tricked is a pretty harsh word, don’t you think?”

Eren grabbed the t-shirt draped on your desk chair and plunged it over your head before he started to stare for too long. You scrambled to sort out its sleeves.

“So you came all this way just to tuck me in?” Your head popped through the neck hole to reveal your frown. “You’re not even going to have sex with me?”

“That’s right.”

You shimmied your jeans down your legs, glaring up at him. “You’re so boring.”

“I know,” he airily replied. He ticked his head. “Bed.”

You were drunk enough to listen obediently but kept your frown as you shuffled into your bed. As you crawled beneath the blankets, you watched Eren take a water bottle from your mini fridge and set it on your bedside cubby. Before his hand was out of reach, you lightly wrapped a hand around his wrist. 

You intertwined your fingers with his, sweeping yours up and down the length of each. “You’re at least going to kiss me good night, right?”

You were always so touchy-feely when you drank. 

Eren held his breath. His eyes followed as you pressed your palm against his, compared their sizes, and played with his fingers. It almost felt like you were pulling at something much deeper in him. A puppet and his puppeteer. 

He knew what he wanted to do, but his friends’ words resounded in the forefront of his mind, listing the exact reasons why this was a bad idea. Then he went and did it anyway. 

Eren leaned in to kiss you, not on your lips but sealed against your forehead. With his hand cradling your cheek to hold you there for that one, long second. 

It wasn’t the kiss you wanted, but even so, you stared up at him in drunken awe. Softly, and with a softer smile, you told him, “Thank you for walking me back.” You nuzzled deeper into the bed, closing your eyes as you rambled, “You’re so nice, Eren. Didya know that?”

“I’ll be sure to remind you of that the next time you call me mean,” he teased before turning to leave. 

You piped up again. Your voice was already sleepier than just a second ago, sounding smushed against your pillow as you murmured, “If I’m not married by forty, and you’re not married by forty, can we get married?”

He gave a tiny laugh through his nose. You were cute, weren’t you? He knew you wouldn’t remember this tomorrow. Or if you did, you’d profusely (and needlessly) apologize for it.

“You’ll be married by forty. You don’t have to worry about that,” Eren said, half-way out the door.

You responded with nothing more than a satisfied sound, drifting to sleep as quickly as Eren expected. 

The heavy lock clicked behind him, but Eren gave it a final jiggle to ensure it. He heaved a sigh, leaning back against your door with a thud you thankfully wouldn’t hear. 

This was a huge mistake, wasn’t it?

masterlist | next part

[valenteal]

I’ve been posting a lot about my thoughts on Dazai’s characterization and motivations but honestly I’ve been dedicating a lot more energy to trying to understand Oda. Dazai is an amazingly complex character but he’s a constant in the story and we know quite a lot about him, comparatively. Oda is incredibly mysterious and much harder to understand. My breakthrough earlier figuring out that Oda had the book has really helped me open my mind to another side of Oda I hadn’t yet considered.

The things is, authors have to be a bit cruel. Oda’s reasoning for not killing because he wanted to be a writer doesn’t make sense, we kill our own characters all the time. We put them through hell over and over for entertainment/to convey a deeper meaning. I think maybe one of the conditions of having the book is not killing directly, or maybe a certain level of removal from the storyline. Like, if you control reality and others lives with the book you’re giving up a certain amount of control physically in the moment.

Oda is a killer. He is friends with killers. And if I’m right about him being the author of the Dark Era he wrote the deaths of the kids. I think his reaction was genuine, I think he really felt like he shouldn’t have the book, that he didn’t deserve to be its author anymore, but I really think that he wrote the story to give Dazai the opportunity and the motivation to get a better life. I mean, I’ve made myself cry with my writing. The most compelling stories are full of tragedy.

Oda was a child assassin. He was a writer. He was a mafioso. But most of all he was Dazai’s friend.

Wait! Holy shit idea!

Okay so Natsume had the book before Oda, but he was definitely following Dazai around before he got the book so we know there’s already a connection there. I’ve been wondering why Oda was so attached to Dazai. But Natsume wrote the story he adored, the third installment which Oda finished was The Book. But what did Natsume write about? What exactly were the books Oda loved? What if it was Dazai’s story? What if Oda knows Dazai so well because he read his life story over and over and yearned to give him a happy ending? What if his whole motivation was to finish the story in a satisfying way? And everything from the orphan’s existence to Ango’s betrayal was to create an open ended story in which Dazai could potentially have have a better life?

Oda is such an incredible character. He’s full of contradictions until you actually start thinking of him as an author. We authors have strange minds, we love our characters but we put them through so much. Because we wouldn’t love them if we didn’t make them struggle, make them realistic and deep and meaningful. Oda knew the kids were going to die, he wrote it. But he got attached like anyone would. But he was done writing the story, all that was left was for it to play out. So he passed ownership of the book to Dazai and went to play his role.

Fuck I’m getting emotional omg Odasaku is wonderful. I don’t even care if the entire theory is wrong, I’ve figured Oda out with the information I was given and filled in the blanks. Asagiri himself wouldn’t be able to make me give this theory up.

Oda isn’t a good person with strong morals the way he presents himself. He does that to fill the mentor roll for Dazai and to get Dazai to make the desired decisions. He just a fan who was given control of the story by the original author and basically used all the writing tools ever to create a story in which the character he loved but who was tragically doomed and seeped in darkness could find some happiness. Just like anyone writing a fix-it fic. Accept his fix is canon.

Holy shit I’m a genius.

Don’t come at me you have no idea how proud I am of this! Either I figured out the most confusing character ever written or I have created a genius explanation that nothing will ever top (for me anyway).

[darkfictionjude]

Yes, Hello, My name is Elder Grant and I’m here to ask if you have time today to speak about our lord and savior Nia—

In all seriousness, I’m just here to pop in with some Nia love. Mostly because it was getting me thinking, I believe you said at some point that sometimes Nia is hard to love, and it’s just been kinda slow table turning like a microwave plate in my head and part of thinks it’s by design (of also hers, not just yours). And then another part of me thinks it’s a conclusion she’s come to herself. And part of me wonders if she’s selfish in love because she kind of knows what it’s like already to have all of someone’s attention, and for it to be real attention. Not, attention for this sort of façade that she built (still very much her, but a her for the masses, a her that won’t get stained with any of their messy fake ideas of her), but attention on the most transparent version of her she’s ever been willing to show. She’s literally mc’s only friend, and perhaps it wasn’t normal attention, or maybe it didn’t seem like it was total the way someone else’s attention felt. But she has to know that it was as total as total can get, when mc who can’t be paid to remember normal shit about their family or their lives, and regularly forgets things that happen to them and that they’ve done has this little mental notebook with her name on it, just living rent free in their head. It’s been a year, a hellish year, mc can’t tell you shit about what Percy gets up to, only that it’s “Percy stuff” but mc can still clock a lot of her behavior. But only as they understand it, maybe not as it really stands. Part of me thinks, it doesn’t so much make her hard to love because as much as she might have double standards about certain things, it feels like her main focus is that reciprocal balance of selfishness and love in a relationship. She wants all that she can get for herself, and she wants to be held on that pedestal as well for like an mc in a relationship. But in a way, doesn’t that kind of mean that she does the same with mc (don’t get me wrong, I’m hardly saying Nia is the poster child of equality)? Like, wanting this from this mc more than she does from anyone else, doesn’t that also kind of put mc on this pedestal? Like finding someone you finally think is worthy of you almost? And doesn’t it make sense too kind of? (And don’t we kind of see a bit of that if mc runs after her?) And what does it say about her strength of emotion and the regard she holds mc in, that she isn’t afraid of them (and she’s certainly seen some shit) when mc’s own dad is? Mc will never be her meaning in life (and they shouldn’t be) but if Nia believed in that weird soul mate shit even a little, their probably as close as anyone will get. A, “I breathe with you, rather than for or because of you.” And I find that more compelling.

Like it feels like most of the relationships she has, the ones that aren’t her choice, are dictated by what they can do for other people more than for herself. She’s routinely told/talked to about how amazing and better she is, and how it will benefit other people and get her the things she wants. She’s got like a direct value type of interpretation for herself. If her presence is going to be used for the benefit of others, why shouldn’t she take them for all they have? And why wouldn’t she feel this desire to hoard as much genuine feeling as she can get from someone she respects and wants to be around? She’s spoken to by her parents like a living investment, a living legacy of them, not even of herself. Who wouldn’t want to be a little selfish faced with that?

(Lo siento por el ensayo, pero no porque Nia es un tesoro. Bien hecho con este. Cuídate prima 💛)

Damn this was a whole character analysis essay. You should’ve started this off with “in this essay I will”

Yeah to me Nia is the most mysterious of the ROs. You don’t get much from her, only through the lens of how mc interprets her words and actions. I think it’s an interesting interpretation to think that Nia holds mc on a pedestal, it could be so. Or it could be that Nia can’t love unselfishly. She was never taught and doesn’t want to learn. Like a succubus she wants every last drop without giving much away herself. Some people might say that isn’t love but I believe that if you’re a person who can feel romantic love, then it’s coloured by your personality. Love isn’t only pure, if it were we’d all be the same.

Gracias por tanto amor a esta que es más helada que un témpano de hielo 💜

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

Thought and opinions on this weeks episode below the cut, mostly RWDE so if you don’t like it don’t click.

“Exposition is rather boring” I hate this cat and CRWBY. This is such bullshit and a stupid “jab” at critics. Exposition conveys important information about the world and RWBY tends to not do it well. Just because you can’t write or use exposition well doesn’t mean its boring. 

Also I loath how the girls just run away and leave random citizens to fight off the jabbawalker. Weiss even comments on hating leaving places in ashes but they still just walked away and didn’t even stop to help anyone. They have weapons and can fight but they have to run away immediately and don’t help fight the army at all despite knowing its Neo making all the copies of it. Why do they just immediately give up and run away and force civilians to fight for them? I get Ruby having to run as she’s weaponless but the others??? Really? On a side note of this scene the cat’s fear and expressions where well done I think, but my gosh is the rest of the scene a mess. I also did think overall the armorer scene was very well done and I do have a lot of questions but not in a “Why the fuck isn’t this answered already” sense but in a “Oh I am interested to see how this develops”. Is it implied Summer was in the ever after at some point? What happened to Penny’s sword? I’m not sure CRWBY will answer these questions well but it has potential. 

Ascension is an interesting concept within the ever after for sure, another way it sets itself apart from Remnant but why is Weiss so surprised about the idea of people not dying with Salem and Oz right their. Her reaction to this is just so odd to me. 

Is the idea of Ruby being forced to give up the last tie to her mother she has to save her family compelling? Oh yea. Is the execution once again absolute shit and we never even knew it belonged to Summer so it has no emotional impact whatsoever? Yep. We keep getting these nuggets of potential that just get wasted and its so annoying. 

I have to ask this but was I the only one getting major Kingdom Hearts vibes in this shot? We’re supposedly hearing a very large crowd of people running away and screaming but its like a few dozen people? 

I don’t know why it felt very early KH vibes with the empty seats in the coliseum but that’s where my mind went. 

[gunsli-01]

@dearmahiru So, this is my response to that last thing you wrote up. I want to preface this by saying there aren't any hard feelings on my part. However, I felt this needed to be said.

You questioned,

"My question is, "If it's compelling enough to be the literal conclusion of the novel then why only ask the non-interference question to those who paid money?" Moving on!"

My answer to this question isn’t too different from what I said regarding the novel before. Just because something was compelling enough to be addressed in a book doesn’t mean everyone has to enjoy that thing. Someone else finding it compelling enough to write about it or read doesn’t negate another person not feeling that way.  I don’t feel that way about the book. Personally, the premise wasn’t compelling, it was predictable and a drag to read.

For a litany of personal reasons that I discussed during my previous response.

For me it would be rather easy to vote Yuno, Futa, Mahiru, Kazui and Kotoko innocent if their murders were an indirect result of an action they chose to take. Especially in comparison to the people they're paired with, unlike those people they never bludgeoned, choked, or stabbed anyone. However, the point on non-interference has already been touched on in Milgram and it's not with any of the characters within this theory.

It’s literally a point Muu tries to make in her second voice drama when it comes to the bullying. This is done through her stating she never hit anyone or poured water on their heads. Yet, she let it happen regardless. Es even points out she let other people do it for her. So, this point has already been addressed in the series proper.

Even Mikoto in his written interrogation denounces violence entirely stating he hates it. So, that already says a lot when it comes to the other prisoners and this question. I don't believe there would be a point to separating the prisoners neatly between direct and indirect murders taking into consideration that they can and have covered the angle of non-interference with characters who did directly kill already.

Outside of me personally not liking the idea. Simply put there are just other possible explanations as to why Yuno, Futa, Mahiru, Kazui and Kotoko could be shown together outside of  the possibility of their murders being indirect.

For example, all of their cover songs since the beginning of Milgram have been about one-sided relationships. Yet, no one has highlighted that connection between them or attempted to investigate it further. Their trial two songs even continue this trend.

Furthermore, the novel has a different writer and was intended to be a different self-contained experience overall. This is usually how tie in media works. The creators and staff have made changes to the prison based on collaborations most recently they added a karaoke room to Milgram due to one.

However, no changes have been made to Milgram proper in regard to the novel. This may be because the novel seems to take place before Milgram as we know it now. Something alluded to within the story itself. If the events within the novel take place before Milgram proper sure they would have an impact on the facilities' growth, but it would not be a shot for shot recreation.

If anything, the novel shows us how Milgram has developed as a facility and gives insight into Jackalopes and the Guards roles within it. That’s kind of how tie in media works in general regardless of whether the material is a prequel or not. It doesn't make it any less important, but it doesn't necessarily mean it will heavily impact the other parts of the franchise.

I never had to and still don’t have to defend or explain how I feel or may continue to feel about the novel. Yet, I attempted to. Now was it as tactfully or politely as I could have? No. However, given that my personal tastes were used as a point of contention and then interrogated to the degree that they were I don’t feel it falls on me to apologize for that.

“ "I mean they could it would certainly be boring and stupid but they could."—Boring and stupid as opposed to...? Are you claiming it'd be better writing if there wasn't a pattern to the prisoner's crimes? You'd prefer if it was random? I suppose calling the idea stupid is meant to be karma for calling Mahiru poisoning someone ableist so I'd like to apologize for that again.”

I could very well do what you did with your response and just say moving on! Yet, I feel that would be a bit dismissive. Despite my personal media taste not having anything to do with the theory that Yuno, Futa, Mahiru, Kazui, and Kotoko’s murders were indirect. Nor do I understand how it got wrapped up into this. I don’t like the novel, it’s bad. Anyone else can think it’s good that doesn’t change the fact I think it’s bad.

Outside of that, yes for me personally it would be better if it turned out that there wasn’t a pattern like that between the crimes of the prisoners. Even though the prisoners within Milgram are just characters in a narrative it has been stated that they are being written with the intent of them coming off as real people, someone that a person could come across on the street, not caricatures. In real life not all people fit into certain patterns and neither do all crimes.

I believe it would be an unfair comparison to even pair them up in the way they did at that point. It’d be as simple as well I saw Haruka and Muu kill someone but Yuno and Futa never meant to intentionally harm anyone. Plus, they never even directly hurt anyone. They were just being themselves and living their normal lives. It’s not difficult for me to not punish someone to the extent that Milgram does over what would basically amount to an accident.

I’m not going to cut off someone’s leg because they screw up a dance routine. In the same vein I’m not going to force someone to undergo what we’ve been expressly told is mental torture and restraint because someone else decided to end their life cause they couldn’t deal with living in a world where they existed instead of I don’t know dumping their girlfriend, blocking Futa online, getting a divorce, or in Yuno’s case I’m not voting someone Guilty because they failed to use contraceptive properly and didn’t want to be a mom at eighteen so they got an abortion.

It's not as you put it,

“Okay, so you agree that "Would you punish someone even if their murder was indirect?" is a morally complex question. Glad we're on the same page here.”

I never agreed and the assertion that I did is a lot like putting words in someone else’s mouth, isn’t it? Something you accuse me of doing to you despite the language I used in my initial response being specifically chosen to avoid that. In fact, I’ve been saying this whole time that to me it is not entertaining or interesting or a complex question to ask because of the circumstances being discussed.

There are so many solutions or actions people outside of the prisoners themselves could have taken to remove themselves from the situations they were in. Now, before someone tries to say that’s victim blaming, I’m not saying they’re at fault for what the prisoners did to them regardless of if they caused harm to them directly or not. I’m saying if this is truly all they did anyone on earth could have made the same mistake as Futa and people continue to make that same mistake on the daily basis.

No, one knows what goes on behind the computer screens of others. For example, I openly stated in my reply to you that I was,

Feeling frustrated and spoken down to. “However, right now I don't know if you're making fun of me or not.”/ “I don't know if I'll be able to give this the attention it deserves since I am a bit ruffled.”

Not having the best week. “Sorry, sorry it's been a rough week ignore that. Gotta appreciates wins when you see them.”

Now, if I took your accusations of putting words in your mouth, misinterpretation of my statements, criticisms of my personal tastes any of that to heart and decided to harm myself. Would that suddenly be your fault? It's my belief that if I decided to do that without attempting to communicate the issue it wouldn't just be because of this instance but an accumulation of things within my life. That doesn't change that this one thing or interaction could have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

Still, if I decided to do that, if it got to that point that would be my decision and I wouldn't want anyone feeling responsible for that. Regardless of how they treated me in life. Because at the end of the day they didn't end my life I did. They can feel guilty about how they could've been nicer, been there more, said something a different way but like outside of that it's not their fault. So, no to me that's not a compelling or complex question, the only thing that would make it compelling or complex is if for some reason they knew full well their actions could have led to that outcome.

Like in the case of displaying suicide within media which many a psychiatrist has said impacts suicide rates. It's compelling to think if creators have a responsibility not to display or discuss those things in media given that knowledge. It's not compelling to me for people to seemingly put forth that accusing someone of doing something wrong online even with proof is a slippery slope because you never know how someone may take that sort of thing and media spaces social or otherwise tend to get carried away when it comes to punishing people outside of the law.

Something Milgram already pointed out during Yuno's first interrogation because she pretty much says that in reference to how the media treats adultery cases.

Blaming Futa for the hat girl's death just because he uses the internet is asinine. To be quite frank you very well could have made the same mistake he made three times over at this point.

People make mistakes even more now that the internet is a thing. People can get reckless with their words and sometimes mistakenly misinterpret others. That’s not them being complicit in causing indirect harm that’s making a mistake. Conflating that sort of thing to willfully killing a person doesn’t come off as complex to me, it comes off as demeaning to human life and suicide in general.

It sucks that the hat girl was harassed. It sucks that there is a precedent for that sort of harassment in online spaces. However, I severely doubt there’s one person in the Milgram fandom who hasn’t involved themselves with or interacted with a callout post. Especially given how many of the English-speaking fans over on Twitter and here call out fan artists daily.

Oh, or even those currently leaving comments to staff on videos telling them the way they translated a work they are releasing mostly for free is wrong. Something they didn’t have to go through the trouble of translating into English at all. If what Futa did under your theories framing of the events is murder and harassment. Then the only difference between most people who use the Internet and Futa is they haven't run into someone at a low enough point in their lives to do that in response to their callous behavior yet.

The indirect murder theory doesn’t appeal to me. It doesn’t make Milgram a more enjoyable series for me if I accept it as more than a possibility. It’s a possibility but it’s one I don’t like. So, I hope it’s not that. That isn’t a big deal in the slightest.

However, as I stated in my previous reply. It’s been a rough few weeks this one being the roughest so far. I’m irritated at feeling spoken down to and then when articulating my points being told I’m not doing so in the appropriate way i.e you yelled at me, you put words in my mouth, well you could’ve said that more nicely. Admittedly, I looked over my words before responding several times to not only put it as delicately as possible but take into consideration all of your points. It took all day to do and I did it even though I felt a certain way about it.

I went forward with the benefit of the doubt and admittedly a side of pettiness at some parts. Something I apologized for through dms. Before even reading all of what you said because I recognized I may have hurt your feelings. Yet, my feelings seem to be getting overlooked. It is not nice for me to be accused of doing things I didn’t do while seemingly having them done to me. It’s not fun to have my personal tastes used as a talking point to the benefit of someone else’s theory.

Then like I said before it wouldn’t even be fun for me if Milgram was that simple. That would be boring to me and I wouldn’t consider it to be redefining sin. It would be a surprising letdown coming from the writer behind Caligula Effect. A game gives the player the option to just kill everyone in it and cause societies collapse. Yet, the worse thing some of these prisoners did is use the internet, want control over their own bodies, get people who committed crimes incarcerated for said crimes through the legal system, cheat on their wife, and be a smothering presence for their romantic partner. Bet.

If that is the case, I have every right to find that boring and all five of them would be the least interesting prisoners to me.

“ "If you want to claim Fuuta indirectly killed the victim after they were already dead, then I'd like to know how that was."—It's really simple actually! I did not say that and I'm really confused where this came from.”

Now, I don’t know if the definition of the word “if” has been lost to time but for clarity’s sake.

I even highlighted my intended meaning when using the word for further clarity.

So, by the definition of the word “if” highlighted there one can infer that my statement was quite literally… If that is what you were trying to imply/say, then it would not make sense in the context of your theory. Then I went on to explain why I thought that.

My apologies in advance for interacting with this next statement through a lens of distrust.

“However, I'm once again confused by this section because it kinda feels like you're putting words in my mouth? Like, even if I called it ableist, at no point did I say it was untrue. I said there was a dissonance.”

During your response to my previous points despite the language you highlight me using.... It seems at every turn you're accussing me of putting words in your mouth or directly disagreeing with statements I did agree with over the course of everything I wrote.

At this point its semantics. You used inflammatory language in what could appear to be a deliberate attempt to shoot down my point even if you never said it was untrue.

“Also forgive me but there's a bit of a dissonance here for me that Mahiru wouldn't intentionally stress out her boyfriend but could exploit his allergies and even go as far as to keep the food in his throat. If she has such genuine hatred in her heart for her boyfriend to commit such a vile, blatantly ableist method of murder then I don't see why she wouldn't make him feel worse for kicks and giggles.”

I know you apologized for referring to it as ableist and I apreciate and accept the apology. This more so leans into a point I'm going to make later. I am not attempting to rub it in.

In comparison all the accusations hurled in my direction in your response, the number of things it purposely skips, and what it chose to highlight has left me feeling belittled, ridiculed, and as though most if not all of my sentiments were blatantly ignored or warped to their most negative extreme.

For reference and admission, I did take several petty jabs at this behavior. Those were bringing up Ageism and Nazi's. I'm a tit for tat type of person if you're going to use inflamatory lannguage it's best to be prepared for the other person to do the same to you. However, unlike with the ableism statement there was a basis to both of those statement.

I’ll go into your response to being met with the same behavior later.

“Okay, I'd like to preface this that I very much said it was my own opinion that Fuuta didn't doxx Magic. If you disagree with it then that's cool and fine and whatever. I'm not invested in arguing this point much.”

I'm going to be petty for a moment here, but I guess it’s really nice for people to be entitled to their own opinions and personal tastes… I wonder what’s that like. I’m trying my best not to be petty but at this point I feel as though I’m being treated like I’m less than a person and every sentence of this response I read is like rubbing salt in the wound.

Especially given how I used "if" in the statements previously highlighted by you and I was accused of putting words into people's mouths. At this point I’m starting to believe that the word doesn’t work how I believe it does. So, by using the same logic and scrutiny my words were treated with previously I’d be led to believe that here you could possibly be saying that I am in fact most definitely disagreeing with the Futa didn’t dox the hat girl theory.

When on the contrary I’m not disagreeing with a theory that my literal closest IRL friend came up with and has been pushing since I got her into Milgram far before Backdraft even came out. She been framing this guy fromd ay one she said and I quote, "They never give faces to people in anime unless they're important! Why this pink hair bastard got a face what did he do?!"

I was all like oh so having a face is crime now you gonna frame him for having a face when Futa's victim doesn't even have one... Now we know because of Rei that's just a true statement. Yeah, yeah egg on my face I said she was reaching because she liked him and look who got proven wrong and lives with it. That's how it goes.

The thing that I was and am still disagreeing with is the idea that it supports the indirect framing brought up within the theory presented. Because I do not see how it does which I said in my previous reply quite plainly. It’s even something you highlight at the beginning of your reply.

“However, the "Futa wasn't the one who did the doxing" theory used in this way directly serves to undermine the assertion that you put forth that murders can be indirect. I know Futa in general kind of puts a wrench in that normally because he's a bit of a difficult character. Everyone else in the group certainly has some give for there to be some room to doubt they directly killed someone. Yet, with him it's a bit difficult to believe that's the case given the very personal nature of the circumstances presented and the way they mirror Mu's.”

Yet, for some reason my words were misinterpreted here. To make it as simple as possible. I do believe Futa didn’t do the doxing and I did not set out to disprove that better yet. There’s something that’s never highlighted in your reply to what I said that proves I wouldn’t do that.

“So, let's run this back. You're saying there's a funeral lantern outside I can't dispute that and to be honest I really don't want to. Simply put this means Futa just never did anything wrong in his life and he shouldn't be here. Something I'm happy to hear. I definitely have a friend who would love to hear it as well.

Futa Innocent streak two in row. Never did a thing wrong but have fire songs. Okay maybe he took a picture of funeral lantern but the girl was already dead so why you going after him. Doxing been there done that can't dox someone when you didn't have their fucking address. Until after the fact complicit apart of the mob but you guys just keep singing along. Chirp, chirp, tweet, tweet click and send then the Innocent party can once again begin.”

Simply put, I mind the business that pays. It doesn’t pay me to disprove a theory I literally helped write after telling my friend for months she was just a notorious simp for redhead which she is and looking for an easy target to blame instead. I've been down this road I'm not doing it again that's the end of it. Egg on my face gonna wash it off and move forward. I don't want anymore I told you so's I get he didn't dox her I'm not doing this again you have me fucked up.

Because if she sees this she's gonna be like is this you, how many times do I have to teach you this lesson. Then I'm gonna be out here like it was misinterpretation of my wording I don't need this lesson again I'm minding my business I swear. You've proven it enough please just not again I already felt stupid once she thinks what's one more lap but it's like I'm already down can you not. I don't need this her chances of seeing this are slim but they exist and that's too much already.

Now, in my personal time I do reexamine my own beliefs and go over old hypothesis that I’ve had regarding the series. However, there’s enough information regarding Futa’s case to make the chances of him being responsible for the doxing not just questionable but completely unlikely. Something you and I both point out over the course of our replies.

I have no reason personally (oh god do I really have no reason personally) or intellectually to argue against that point. Behaving as if I did even hypothetically is just disingenuous because I made it incredibly clear that was not my intent. Given all of that this would just be you putting words in my mouth while accusing me of doing the same to you.

I took this a step further I messaged my friend asking her what she would do to me if i was going around online saying Futa did the doxxing still. Haven't gotten an answer yet because her phone is off. I did try calling first. I will be adding it once i do get the answer though.

You then continue to explain something to me that I already know.

"The way the first bolded point is framed, from my perspective, makes it looks as though Fuuta was working with total strangers when it came to Magic. This isn't the case. Fuuta had an entire friend group that he sent to harass magic."

However, you say Futa had an entire friend group and compare him and Mu's situations.

" "Fuuta is the bully and Mu is the bullied" is easily the most obvious parallel in Milgram. Yes, there's more nuance to it than that but Fuuta isn't some random guy passing through."

Let's take this logic a step further then, we've come to discover Mu was the leader of her group. If their situations are meant to contrast each other's then that's reason enough to interrogate the idea that Futa was working beneath someone.

Along with what I pointed out in my previous reply. Futa being quick to state that Kotoko is just being used by Es in his second voice drama. Them stating his father is a civil servant, his sister a beautician. Two service-oriented occupations. Here's some fun food for thought what if Futa's sister was Mahiru's beautician. Also, Futa being dressed as a knight and being the first to charge or storm in (ha ha get it Storm Pazuzu like storm a castle or siege it) at the end of Bring It On while Mu was the very last person to get her hands dirty in the situation she was in.

Also, knights tend to work beneath monarchy or for the people they aren't free agents and there's usually someone above them giving down orders.

Taking it a step further Pazuzu in Mesopotamian religion is the king of Wind Demons believed to have helped humans ward off other demons.

"Written sources which appear starting around 670 BCE describe Pazuzu climbing a great mountain and undergoing mythological combat against wind demons, a battle from which he emerged victorious and proved himself a threat to other dangerous demons. He is portrayed as a potential ally to humans who call on him for protection or display his icon, believing incantations and appeasement could instrumentalize his malevolent power against other demons."

Even the demon in his moniker is a literal servant to people. Jewelry having their likeness on it to ward off other demons.

Furthermore, the earliest archaeological evidence of Pazuzu was found in the grave of royalty. Even the lyrics of Backdraft pay homage to Pazuzu.

"Burn, burn! Open this door and check if you want to I’ll deign to hear your last words if you want, a vanishing FIRE."

"Pazuzu's iconography has puzzled archaeologists because of it's sudden and fully realized appearance in the archaeological record, displaying no apparent evolutionary stages. The lack of any earlier identifiable representation renders it impossible to pinpoint the exact geographical origins of the imagery, though it most likely developed in either Egypt or Mesopotamia."

"Bless me, please, with one more chance."

"He is portrayed as a potential ally to humans who call on him for protection or display his icon, believing incantations and appeasement could instrumentalize his malevolent power against other demons."

"Just like O2, burn yourselves into oblivion."/ "It’s so hot, so hard to breath, there’s no solace for my heart."

This one is sort of self-explanatory for someone associated with fire, the demon is specifically associated with wind. O2 is literally just two oxygen molecules. This also goes into the point of the next line.

"Flames closing in, are both sides losers? Flames closing in, can’t douse this FIRE."

"Pazuzu's head is sometimes depicted alone, it is often paired with the faces of other Mesopotamian Demons or Gods. Some Pazuzu amulets have images inscribed on their backs of deities who were considered permanent allies to humans, such as Ugallu and Lulal. Archaeologists conjecture that these pairings were meant to ensure Pazuzu's power remained directed away from human targets and protect the wearer from danger."

One could even make the argument that some of the physical traits Futa were inspired by Pazuzu as well. Though that sort of argument may only work for his teeth. What I'm getting at is at this point there's a reason they'd have Futa present as a knight and then Mu refer to herself as a Queen during her second trial and even call her second voice drama Queen Bee to am the point home.

Yet, it's this continued seemingly talk down attempt at educating me on matters I already know about that's giving me the impression you're either looking down on, making fun of me, or ignoring my points entirely in favor of only looking for statement you can contradict. These are all things I have discussed before and am rather familiar with which is why I added the references I did. Because again I extended the benefit of the doubt assuming that you may not have seen those posts.

"And it's not like I'm treading new ground here. "Fuuta is the bully and Mu is the bullied" is easily the most obvious parallel in Milgram. Yes, there's more nuance to it than that but Fuuta isn't some random guy passing through. To reiterate: I believe Fuuta harassed Magic but he didn't specifically doxx her. That was it."

This is another phrase that from my perspective only serves to further rub salt in the wound. It's definitely not treading new ground for me. To me this is the equivalent of walking down a remarkably familiar road as someone who just discovered it attempts to tell me the best places to eat at as I keep going,

"Excu-excuse me? Um, yeah that place is nice but- um you're being very kind explaining this to me but- no don't keep going. Fuck... Look, I live here okay! Right over there actually I don't need this tour it's polite but stop! I just wanna go to the corner store. You can come too but like can we have a conversation instead of you trying to educate me."

"Whuh—huh?? I wasn't intentionally skipping over this I've never heard the theory that Fuuta killed his previous friends before. Like, yes I've heard the theory that he was framed for doxxing but I thought it was too outlandish to bring up. I must've accidentally skimmed something you mentioned because I don't know where this came."

I linked it at the top for the purpose of avoiding this exact situation. I wrote it last year in October. Yet, it's very long... So, I understand why it would possibly be ignored. However, I even quoted it in my previous response and linked again.

"Oh, my god if someone knew that this person was your friend. Yet, encouraged you to do this anyway- Oh, fuck... "You already knew, the whole time. You can't escape how do you like the taste of punishment." Him angrily holding Es in undercover yelling at them. His heavy focus on making sure to take care of the folks younger than him in Milgram now. Despite what he says in the new voice trailer. It all makes so much more sense..."

I don't really have the right to complain about someone not doing the reading especially for something that is a hobby and done for personal entertainment. Regardless it doesn't stop it from coming off as a bit hurtful that I did everything in my power to avoid a misunderstanding and one seemingly occurred because all those efforts either went ignored or overlooked.

At a point you stated shock/alarm at the fact I would bring up Nazi’s regarding our conversation. Wondering how they played into anything. However, the conversation in my eyes seemed to directly mirror the point the original Milgram experiment set out to make. Something that I had apparently wrongfully assumed was common knowledge,

If Wikipedia isn't a good source there are others. X

This one is literally from an educational website. It has study questions and everything.

Here are some more some of them even arguing against Milgram's assertion that the study in anyway absolved what nazi's did some saying it did. X, X, X

Milgram gets its namesake from this psychological experiment while drawing inspiration from the Stanford Prison Experiment as well. It's a fact that one of these experiments has notable ties to the Holocaust. In that way this topic is directly connected to the point you presented. Since as you stated,

" "Would you punish someone even if their murder was indirect?" is a morally complex question."

That is quite literally what the Milgram experiment set out to prove albeit with Nazi's. It set out to show that people could not be blamed for their individual actions when being led or ordered by individuals they perceived as having authority. Because people were more likely to listen to authority figures or people they thought knew better than them even if what the authority figue was telling them to do was morally wrong.

This ties back to the idea that Futa was working beneath someone and felt more comfortable acting out in the way he did with the support of those around him. Who he may have believed were more knowledgeable and informed than himself. All that to say, it's not out of left field and it does have something to do with the discussion. Even if people don't enjoy the kneejerk reaction using terminology such as Nazi can elicit it was completely within the realm the conversation had been brought to even if it was done out of pettiness.

Directly and honestly engaging in the point you presented would logically lead to someone informed about these facts revisiting them. Again, though me bringing up Nazi’s specifically was a tit for tat jab at you using inflammatory terminology in what I felt to be an attempt to belittle my own theory of Mahiru poisoning someone. This was also the case with the ageism comment.

Anyone can use inflammatory language to undermine someone else’s speculations or beliefs. If one does it to someone else, they should rightfully expect it to happen to them in return. No, one likes to be accused of being something or affiliated with something they are not.

I'll say it one more time here me disliking the book and finding it boring and that ableism statement have extraordinarily little to do with each other. That’s just my personal taste and should never have been scrutinized. I’ve grown up on psychological thrillers and murder mystery media. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that the story being the novel told would be predictable or boring to someone familiar with the genre.

I almost forgot to cover it but the reason I was saying that picking these five prisoners and saying that what they did might not be as bad as what the others did or was more indirect or unintentional wasn't me trying to say you were showing favoritism. Simply because if it were about favorites, I doubt Kotoko someone who jumped Mahiru would be a character high on any of the people that like Mahiru's list of characters to defend. Though that's just speculation on my part.

I said that because honestly I've seen how that whole this character proably isn't that bad thing plays out. First trial with Mikoto people just thought he was a little funny office worker MeMe came out and he was killing multiple people with a baseball bat something Undercover showed him doing and shouldn't have surprised anyone. This trial Haruka who in his first mv showed he killed animals was met with shock when it was like oh it's not that he doesn't understand he's a little fucked up actually. Like excuse me the first mv showed this. Then the whole Muu isn't a bully she's a victim who had to kill to stop the harassment oops our bad fuck her actually I feel lied to for falling for it.

Now she has the biggest Guilty verdict of any trial. Just because no one wanted to believe or even engage with the idea she could have been a bully. Taking into consideration all of that I don't necessarily see how claiming Mahiru or anyone's murder was indirect would help secure them an Innocent verdict when the mv could come out and depending on what's said in the interrogation we could hear or see her doing exactly what she was portrayed in Undercover doing. Like three other prisoners have been shown doing already then what she's guilty because oh it turned out she did do it with her own hands.

I've decided it's much better to interrogate the logical extremes than let people expect less than what we may get and react poorly once it comes out and vote a prisoner as guilty as Muu got voted day one. There's no coming back from that once it happens. So, expecting the unexpected is much better than being caught off guard.

[some27-url]

💙💛 Masterlist 💛💙

❗️on hiatus❗️

Hey lovely readers ❤

I currently have a humongous real life workload. Husband has been putting in like 70 hours a week of studying lately and it's looking like that trend in going to hold strong for like... 9 more months. 🙃 On top of that he's started doing two 12's a week doing home hospice care.

Meanwhile I am in the middle of switching jobs and taking care of the toddler and the animals and cooking all the meals and cleaning the house AND this week I finally got hubs to break and admit that I'm gonna have to do the yard work too. (Pray for me. I'm so itchy already.)

All of this is to say that I'm! Still! Writing! It's my happy place and has become a pivotal outlet for me so I'll never completely stop... but I have no earthly idea how often I'll be posting or what it'll even be.

That said, NONE of my fics have been abandoned and none of them are dead. All will continue once we've found our footing and have a good routine that doesn't neglect anyone's needs.

Again, I love you all, I appreciate my readers and I will still be here putzing around in tumblr some if y'all wanna... idk? Be friends?? Interact?? 😗 Feel free to tag me in stuff or send asks 🥰 I'll be around!

9/4/22

UPDATE 2/23/24:

Hello! Long time no read! (Or write)

I'm tossing out a little update here just to let you guys know that I'm still around, I just hadn't really felt compelled to write for the last... year.

At first, I was just waiting. I was on a journey to being officially diagnosed ADHD and starting meds for it. It was a long LONG journey and around the time I stopped writing, I was only a couple weeks away from diagnosis. Trying to write was such a struggle and I felt like being on meds was going to allow me to write more in less time because I wouldn't have to spend 80% of my "writing" time just trying to make myself focus.

I started meds about 8 months ago, and it has been a really awesome 8 months. Really. I have done so many things I hadn't been able to do before, like do my laundry and fold it and put it away. Or like sit in a restaurant and participate in a conversation without wanting to climb under the table and cry. But what I haven't wanted to do for 8 months... was write.

I thought it was because life had gotten too busy or because my son had gotten to an age where he took up more emotional bandwidth, leaving less for me to work with at the end of the day. I really really wanted to believe that it wasn't directly because of the meds.

Then, last month, I started having some health issues that have had us a bit worried about my heart. I wore a halter monitor for a week and will be discussing the results with my doctor soon. In the meantime, the provider for my adhd meds has advised me to stop the stimulants.

I want to be clear that I'm about 98% sure that whatever is happening with my heart is minor enough that we shouldn't be too worried. Stopping the meds was out of caution, and that paired with some other lifestyle changes has me having less symptoms already.

I've brought it up because I wanted y'all to know that I'm a week off of adderall and... I can't stop thinking about my stories. I'm really really feeling the push to write again and I think you'll be hearing from me soon. Soonish. Whether or not I can take my meds again in the future remains to be seen, but if I do get the green light I will be taking them differently than I was before to make room for ALL the things I want in life, not just the "productive" ones.

Hope you're all well. Sorry to have left you hanging for so long. 🥰

{profile pic}

Personal Tag * Illusions/Inclusions * Leonora Jean Arnold * Elanor Blysse Green * Hands in the Sand * Tag Games * writing playlist

Fics: [+ = unfinished]

Illusions Series+ : RJ MacCready/f!SoSu

-Illusions

-Inclusions

Deacon/Whisper/Raider/Vaultie/Bunny Series+ : Deacon/f!SoSu

-Bunny Dear

-Earn It

-Tit for Tat

-Tune Up

Unashamed : Boone/f!Courier oneshot

Secure : Boone/f!Courier ficlet

Hands in the Sand+ : MacCready/f!sosu soulmate AU

[all fics are explicit]

[MINORS DNI]

[celestialseawitch-ff]

Hey, Wondering if you are planning to finish Child Bride?? I love this story and re-read it multiple times. Thanks, Sky

Oh, boy, okay, so... I haven't made any posts about it or done anything to the stories but Child Bride is maybe, sort of, technically... going to be archived. It's not being abandoned though, but I'm sure that will be of little consequence to all the people who love the story.

To clarify, I mean that I am finished with Child Bride and am unlikely to ever update it again. I'll most likely change the title to be "Child Bride [Archived]" and then label it as complete with an author's note at the end to explain. The reason I don't consider this abandoning the story is that I'm actually maybe, sort of, technically... rewriting it?

For those of you who don't know, I started this story so many years ago. And while I was very happy with it for a long time, it's been a while since I could even look at it without being upset about a lot of different things. Part of that was community expectations. People kept asking when something would happen or something else would change when I never intended to do those things in the first place? And so I felt compelled to please so many people asking for the same things and it just radically changed the direction of the story in ways I didn't like. I felt upset when I worked on it. I didn't like where it was going.

Now, so much time has passed that the story is of what I consider to be a lower quality (in comparison to my current writing style). That always upsets me -- one of the issues I have with "As It Should Be" is this same problem. I also just, would have done so many things differently in this story if I were to write it now? Like, there are so many glaring issues with it that I just... to fix them, I'd have to start from scratch. And it's honestly a really appealing idea to me.

So, I have in fact started a re-write of Child Bride that is already so much better than its predecessor. It involves ritual magic, a better laid-out idea of pure-blood dynamics, and some other changes that I'm really excited about. It has a new name, new art. And I might do some AU one-shot spin-offs of it -- sort of like "What If" scenarios. What if Older Sirius had gone back in time with her? What if Hermione had married Remus instead? What if she hadn't gone back in time at all? There are just so many possibilities and I'd like to play with them in a bunch of different ways.

That being said. The re-write is also only ten pages, so I'm unlikely to post it any time soon.

I know how much people love Child Bride. I have no intention of deleting it at any point, but in my opinion, that story can't go anywhere from where it is. I do have a good fifteen to thirty pages that haven't been posted yet. So one day, once the re-write is posted, I'll probably put that up on tumblr (the re-write is still using some things from the OG version, so I don't want to post spoilers!).

Anyway, I'm sure this is not news anyone wanted to get today and I'm very sorry! If it makes everyone feel better, maybe I'll post a tidbit from the re-write on here?

xx

[purlturtle]

Character asks: 4, 12, 19 and 20 for Helena Wells

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

(all questions here)

(I'm gonna put this under a readmore because this *will* get long...)

I have done a few of these already: I made Helena into Iron Man (more or less; these are all AUs, not crossovers) and put her on Wonder Woman's Themiscyra!

Helena is such an archetype, I think. She is the intelligent woman ahead of her time, almost modern in her feminism even though she grew up in Victorian times, slippery and adaptable and on her own side more than anyone else's, and thus morally ambiguous until she finds something (or someone) to latch on to. If there isn't a Myka Bering around, that's probably some form of transaction, of "I do this for you if you do that for me" - it might even have worked with Sykes if Myka hadn't come first, and the reason why it didn't work with MacPherson was because he didn't respect her (and also Myka.)

But I digress.

I still want to put her on Voyager, ultimately. And probably will, one day. I think the interaction between her and Kathryn Janeway would be exquisite (especially if you throw both Amelia Earhart and also (of course) Myka Bering into the mix. This idea has felt compelling for years now; I don't think I'll ever let go of it, even as I have no idea when I'll ever get around to writing it. One Day!

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

A great many, a lot of which I've already talked about before, so I don't want to run the risk and bore you with something I've told you before. So, in a nutshell:

Helena wasn't a great mother from the beginning; she grew into motherhood but it was not instantaneous and not smooth

Helena doesn't know who Christina's father is and he's not important (sometimes I write the opposite, but mostly I tend towards this); she was so promiscuous that there is more than one potential candidate

Helena hasn't fallen in love before Myka and that's why it hits her so hard. She has had fun (sex) with a lot of people, but that's all it ever was. Maybe she's demi-romantic, maybe she's very discerning and never felt anyone was good enough for her, maybe Myka is her soulmate (although I do think that Myka was in love with Sam, but I digress) - whatever reason, I think the feelings she suddenly realizes she has for Myka are unprecedented.

She wasn't formally educated (unlike the historical H.G. Wells) but gleaned her education where she could.

I think I'll leave it at this - if you want me to go into more detail about any of these, let me know!

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

Nate and Giselle both spring to mind, of course, but for both of those I think they weren't serious. I think in both, she was searching for something and thought she'd find it in these relationships, but ultimately didn't. I think she still loves Myka during that time, but is too scared to enter a relationship with Myka - and also too aware of how messed up her head and heart is.

So she tries to heal, in a way that is allowed to her and that she can conceive of - she can't/won't go back to the Warehouse because that would mean being back in Myka's orbit and she can't do that yet. She can't just go into therapy with any random therapist; her issues are intricately bound up with her history and the Warehouse, and I can't see her making her therapist her One. Besides, she might have hang-ups about psychologists/psychiatrists, from Victorian times/her upbringing!

And also, I can see her wanting to make it on her own, to be independent of the Warehouse, to find her own two feet in this world. If she can be anything and anyone, if she's not beholden to who she was with the Warehouse (or Myka) who is she? Who does she want to be? Being with Nate and Adelaide, and later with Giselle - I see these as attempts to answer those questions. And to a degree, the intention to be your own person, to *know* who you are before you offer yourself as a relationship partner, to heal from the worst of your issues is theoretically a very healthy approach - just, perhaps the way Helena goes about it is not the greatest, both for her and for Nate, Adelaide and Giselle? (Also, I have thoughts about the whole "I'm not worthy of you/I'm so messed up I'd only hurt you" thing, but that's a whole nother tangent.)

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

It is A CRIME that we don't see Helena have a best friend, HONESTLY. Seriously, give that woman someone at her side who isn't a romantic interest!

Given her approach to flirting and her *instant* chemistry with anyone halfway decent, that probably needs to be a gay man, though 😂 - not saying that everyone lusts after her and she lusts after everyone, but I think it would help if that person made it very clear, from the beginning, that any relationship or even just flirting was off the table.

A lot of fics put Steve in this slot, and I understand and approve. I think his insistence on honesty would be beneficial for her in two ways: one, I think she herself seeks that, seeks people who are honest to her, who she can trust (especially after MacPherson, her first experience of someone approaching her in this new time). I think that, while she's not used to speaking her mind quite *that* fully (she grew up in a very high-context society, after all, where a lot of things were implied and left unsaid), she would appreciate the candor involved, the not having to second-guess.

And I think that, two, it would help her trust Steve, and open up to some degree - although I also think that (if we stick with canon rather than AU versions of the two) Steve doesn't pry. I think if he gets the vibe that someone is being honest with him/not lying overall, and if that someone also does a good job out on cases together, he's content to just, be with that person. No need for deep soul-baring conversations, just regular conversations will do nicely. And that could be so refreshing for her; to have a man consider and accept her as a true equal, just going about business and having a pint after the job's done - I think that could work wonders with her. There *could* be some soul-baring, in bits and pieces, or even just offered understanding and compassion without all the reveals. They both have lost a family member, after all, both have traumatic experience with that (so does Claudia, but I think there's too much daughter/mother // mentor/mentee dynamic between her and Helena for a "we're equals" friendship), and they both tend to not talk about these things but try and get on with their lives and somehow heal past the trauma.

It doesn't get a lot of page space even in fic, but: Steve.

Thank you for these questions! That was lovely! ♥️

[percontaion-points]

Covet chapters 124-127

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Chapter 124

By the time the last light flickers off, I can barely breathe, barely think. All I can do is close my eyes and pray as we spin round and round and round.

Chapter 124 summary: The next week is kind of glossed over. Grace felt certain that the over-crowded system wouldn’t put them through the chamber multiple nights in a row, but she was wrong. By the end of the chapter, Flint, Hudson, and Calder are shells of their former selves. Grace begs Remy to protect somebody other than her for the night, simply so that the other three can rest. But he tells her that his power doesn’t work like that; he’s fucking tried. 

Chapter 125

“I have no fucking idea what happens now. I’ve never even heard of anyone getting the Chamber six days in a row. It just doesn’t happen.” 

“Doesn’t that make you wonder why it’s happening now?” I ask. 

“They must have done something pretty awful and the prison is demanding atonement,” he answers. “How else does it assure people have made up for what they’ve done?”

 “This isn’t atonement!” I shout at him. “This is revenge, pure and simple.” 

“No.” His voice is adamant. “The prison doesn’t feel. It can’t want vengeance.” 

The dude who is on a lifelong revenge mission because he was literally born in prison, and yet he somehow manages to have goddamned SYMPATHY for the fucked-up system that has KEPT HIM IMPRISONED SIMPLY BECAUSE HE WAS BORN. 

Rage rips through me, and with it comes an idea. It’s a long shot, but it’s the only shot I’ve got. So I reach deep inside myself and start looking for one string in particular—the shining blue one that I’ve tried so hard to ignore—that’s blazing as brightly as ever. I grab it and close my eyes before squeezing as hard as I can.

Chapter 125 summary: As Grace sits and listens to the screams of Hudson, Flint, and Calder for the seventh night in a row, she finally snaps. She tells Remy that the entire system is so fucking screwed up that it’s going out of its way to punish them, rather than by the random chance that Remy keeps insisting that the prison is based around. She tells him that Hudson and Flint are the princes of the dragons and vampires, respectively. So of course whoever is in charge of the prison settings is going out of their way to ensure that the two of them are punished to the extreme. 

As Hudson screams out again, Grace decides that enough is enough, and reaches inside of herself for the string that attaches her to Hudson. 

Chapter 126

When I open my eyes, I’m back at Katmere—in Hudson’s room. I can see the big red-and-black bed that I’ve had so many fantasies about, can feel the warmth of the spring sunshine filtering through his windows.

Well, since the narration isn’t going to show Grace’s “hell loop”, we have to jump into Hudson’s, I guess. 

I also realize at the same instant that the real Hudson—the one shaking and pleading on the bed next to me—is so far gone that if he has to spend another hour killing me, even if it is only in his nightmares, it just might shatter him forever.

Chapter 126 summary: As mentioned, Grace is now in Hudson’s hell loop. She gets in there in time to watch as Hudson kills dream!Grace. The loop resets itself, and dream!Grace comes into the room. The two of them start making kissy faces at each other.

Real!Grace meanwhile stands and contemplates this. She knows that Hudson was compelled to help his father commit genocide. He killed a lot of people. The way that the chamber has decided to punish Hudson is to force him to kill his mate. Over and over and over and…

Hudson starts to kill dream!Grace all over again. 

Chapter 127

He doesn’t deserve to suffer like this. He doesn’t deserve to be broken like this. He’s already learned his lesson, has already repented for the things he did. He’s changed, he’s really changed, and this forced atonement is destroying the person he’s working so hard to be. 

And that’s why this sentient prison is bullshit. 

Can you fool your way into parole? Yes you can. 

But this is set to “punish everybody until they die”. Even if they have atoned and have been rehabilitated. 

Drawing as much of that magic into me as I possibly can, I focus on Hudson—who is currently stalking the other Grace across his room—and shout, “Stop!” as loud as I can.

Chapter 127 summary: Real!Grace stands and watches as Hudson hunts down dream!Grace yet again. She tries to yell at Hudson to stop, but he doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself. 

Grace becomes even more upset because Hudson knows that what he’d done to all of those people was fucked up; he’s punished himself and he’s rehabilitating himself. And then this BS system comes in and says “No, fuck you. Daily torture.”

She leaves his mind long enough to drag Remy over there, and the two of them go into Hudson’s mind together. She briefly explains about her gargoyle powers, as locked up as they are. She channels Remy’s power through her and yells at Hudson to stop. 

[cesium-sheep]

okay okay okay I’m close enough to done with craftageddon that I let myself read one of my shojo beat sale volumes today, I started with yakuza lover cuz I expected it to be fairly generic and middle-of-the-road (much like yakuza fiancee(? yakuza boyfriend? something with a very similar title I got in a kodansha sale), which is not the same series) but it way exceeded my expectations!

the heroine is a rather taiga-type personality, deeply strong-willed but intrinsically romantic and easily wooed, but taiga (from black panther and sweet 16) would generally only ever be sweet or bullheaded, kind of on a toggle switch, and yuri has more variety to her moods than that. to the point of straight up kitty brat dom in the last chapter of the volume, which is fuckin choice. we love to see it. her sexuality is portrayed with very little shame, too, though the visuals are almost completely censored and the vulgar language is minimal. she is shown experiencing desire through more than just blushing, and has multiple Horny Dreams about him. afterwards she is often like “omg I had no idea attraction could be like this???” but she never seems to feel any guilt which is great. she just generally feels very solid despite only having a couple concrete Facts presented (only one of which felt at all clumsily presented, and even that was only mild).

the love interest is also compelling, though it may very well be mostly because he’s “mysterious”, although it feels genuinely believable that she’d be swept up in all this and he’s probably as much an ordinary person as anyone else who. happens to be a very high-level yakuza. so we get the thrill of a dangerous man, as well as the thrill of a rich man who doesn’t understand how extravagant he is, but so far he has only been dangerous in his professional life and very respectful of her in their personal lives. he waited until she approached him, without any mind games, and said outright she wanted to be his lover, and at a prior meeting even gently suggested they stop at just making out for the night, which she was happy with. he even went along with her brat domming without any resistance at all, despite outright asking her to please let him move and clearly being physically capable of overpowering her if he chose to. he doesn’t have a ton of personality yet, but the whole reason he was attracted to her in the first place was her own aggressive side, and he clearly also loves her sweet cute side, and he seems to have no interest in tempering either aspect of her personality. which we also love to see. also he’s very pretty, which is the point.

absolutely fucking choice couple, really really solid. not very thorough characterization but feels surprisingly solid, and the dynamics and the relationship are totally choice without feeling rushed at all. way better than I expected, I almost feel bad for starting with it when I’ve got shit like hot gimmick and honey hunt also in the queue, which I specifically bought for having a vague recollection of them being very Shojo Beat Standard when I’d get backissues from the local gamestore once upon a time.

there is technically an age gap, although she is already 20 when they meet and he’s still drawn pretty young so personally I feel it’s only mildly questionable at worst, and obviously there is a massive power gap that she doesn’t seem to think about, although he has consistently not used that to his advantage. there is a lot of on-screen-but-obscured sex, a couple nips, a couple swears, some guns, and one injury with blood spatter (with the actual wound obscured) but, yknow. all that is very par for the course imo. less par for the course but not wildly out of genre expectations is a scene near the beginning where she walks in on some folks using probably-cocaine at a party, who then bodily grab her and her friend and try to force them to join in so they can’t report them without incriminating themselves? which may be a little rougher than the rest but was short, and she’d pretty much gotten them out of it before he even turned up.

edit: wait hang on I forgot to write down that I Do Not Like how they draw his teeth sometimes, just way too realistic, but that's my only complaint about the art.

edit 2: boss wife was the other one I was thinking of.

[finchfeelsdump]

Persuasive Speech: Storytelling

I want to tell you about a boy, who thought he had no purpose in life. He could not find an individual passion, nor enjoyment in any kind of activities. He thought that because he had no passion, he had no purpose in this world. That there was no need for him and no point in being alive. That boy could be you, or anyone. But that boy was me.

Many years I spent as such, until I realized there was already something that I thought was worth continuing for: stories. Good stories. Impactful narratives showing an interesting, intricate world full of compelling and developed characters. But it is not only experiencing different stories through different mediums that brought me joy… it was realizing that I could create new stories on my own.

Developing, narrating or writing your own stories is an activity, or rather, a process, I find to be very therapeutic and fun. Even telling your own personal stories and pouring your thoughts and emotions into a script is a unique experience sure to boost your artistic creativity and mental health. But, as I said, it is a process. It is that final draft your ultimate objective, that has the potential to change the world, because good stories can certainly change the world, as they have done so many times before… Lord of the Rings, Romeo and Juliet, Astroboy… The Bible… inordinate narratives have been forever able to shift history.

The world needs more stories that can generate a revolution. We’re experiencing a worldwide drought of creativity and writers, where old stories are being constantly butchered for profit and new ones are quickly forgotten in a rapid digital era because they didn’t make enough money for the higher ups. For new stories, the world also requires new storytellers that care not of failing the corporate industry that controls so much of the art; storytellers that are not afraid of experimenting with new, reckless and controversial ideas; we all need storytellers who want to change the world.

Anyone can be that kind of storyteller, and any kind of story has the potential to catalyze that transformation.

A story doesn’t have to be perfect; in fact, it won’t be, it’s not possible for it to be perfect. If you try too hard to make it perfect, then you will never make any progress with it. A story just has to be what its writer wants it to be. The first drafts are always the hardest, but there are always elements that can be salvaged and replaced in the newer writings; however, it is that first word, first sentence, first paragraph or page that really is the hardest for any writer. The beginning of writing is full of hurdles and obstacles created by yourself that can only be overcome through the act of writing itself. After that, you feel like your hands are moving on their own.

For any story, the medium and length are irrelevant. Because a good story can, and will, for sure transcend them. It depends on the quality of a writer how well can they exploit the characteristics of the medium they prefer to work on and add the details necessary for it to feel complete.

But how can someone actually make a good story? It is very subjective to try an explain such a quality, so I can only say the most important tip I can give when storytelling: “write the story you would want to read”. I can assure you, then, your feelings towards your creation will be felt by the readers.

The second most indispensable tip to writing is to actually continue to write, or narrate, or draw or however you want to share your story. “If you keep your pen in the same spot for too long, you'll just get a big, dark puddle of ink. So just move your hand, and go with the flow”. That was one of the best advice I have ever heard from one of the most unexpected sources: a free anime dating simulator with a horror twist, and it forever changed my life, after it showed me how much you can do with so little.

But then, why do so many stories and storytellers fail to bring such revolution? And I think everyone knows, in short, the answer: money. It is the desire of writing for profit, complying with deadlines, ripping off and committing plagiarism from other colossal creatives that hides the characteristics of both the story and the storyteller to be transcendent. It creates a cycle of copying what was once successful, until there are no original ideas left to be told, for the sake of a desperate creator selling the idea to desperate companies who acknowledge there is a famine of creativity and will try to bake every crumb into a loaf of bread. I know almost everyone feels tired of always seeing the same couple of movies being remade, or being given more unnecessary sequels, because I know I am. It is like being fed the same vomit, over and over again, and there needs to be someone who can break these cycles. I know everyone has their favorite food, but it feels amazing and extraordinary to taste something diverse from one’s usual kitchen.

It does not matter if a story is “too short” or “too long”, or if money goes into big film productions instead of your preferred channel, or if it's a premise everyone has seen before; what matters is how you get to handle that premise, give it your own unique touch of originality and passion, and create something that feels different, fresh, unusual. Something that gets people to say it feels new and innovative. So keep that pen moving, and sooner or later you’ll find your purpose as well, writing brilliant pieces of storytelling that could someday change the world.

[makeste]

“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua​ has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua​ and @class1akids​’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua​ pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

[redphlox]

Dabi's fear of feelings and connections

Dabi is a walking contradiction; he says he doesn't care about anyone, but his flames, which are linked to his emotions, demonstrate otherwise when Twice is killed. Dabi brushes off the news that Natsuo could have died because of him but still refers to him affectionately as Natsu-kun. Touya went around calling Endeavor out for neglecting his children but still trained to regain his approval and attention anyway. He lashed out at baby Shouto, admitted Shouto had done nothing wrong, and then attacked him again years later. He cries blood while thinking about his family but doesn't go home to them or change his actions which hurt them even more. Dabi wants to destroy hero society for a better future but it's obvious he doesn't plan to live long enough to see that future.

The gaps between his actions and his words are a result of dissociation and repression. It's not that Dabi is emotionless. Actually, he feels too much and he's afraid of his feelings because they've done nothing but hurt him emotionally and physically. He literally almost burned to death the one time he had a burst of emotion on Sekoto Peak and in order to prevent a repeat of that, he operates under the flawed notion that safety lies in repressing his feelings and pushing people away. He lies to himself and others and therefore cannot reconcile with his true self and can’t trust others.

In this meta I'll discuss how Dabi deals with his unprocessed feelings of betrayal and neglect by denying himself connections with both his inner wounded child and those around him. I'll also address a few misconceptions surrounding Dabi because dismantling them is key to understanding him. Contrary to popular belief, he does not want to kill his father, he never wanted to be a hero for his own sake, and he doesn't hate Shouto or his family. At its core, Touya's hurt stems from discovering that his relationship with his father wasn't based on unconditional love. This realization destroyed his sense of self so much it caused him to start fearing his own feelings and being close to others because of the link between his emotions and his self-destructive quirk.

To understand Dabi we have to understand Touya. In 291 we see through Endeavor's flashback that Touya was eager to train under him and carry his legacy. It's implied by the fact they’re working on ultimate moves that not only is Touya a willing, eager participant but that the two have been training together for quite some time. In 301 we learn that after Touya's quirk started hurting him Endeavor not only abandoned the training regime but also abandoned Touya both emotionally and physically. Instead of using the time he spent training Touya to help Touya find a new hobby or purpose in life, or just hanging out with his kid, Endeavor chooses to remove himself from Touya’s life. When Touya confronts him about the change of routine, Endeavor is seen putting on his jacket and leaving the home, his body turned away from his son.

Maybe Endeavor had errands to run, but my point is that he was in Touya’s life one minute and then gone the next. Touya says so himself: why did Endeavor change his mind all of a sudden? The abrupt change in attitude was jarring for a 4-5 year old to handle. To Touya, training = love, so he felt compelled to keep training and demonstrate his worthiness despite the fact that his quirk was hurting him. To Touya, the pain was worth it if it meant hanging out with his dad again.

But why? Well, Touya was Endeavor's #1 fan, genuinely so. His admiration and fondness for his father was genuine, and he didn't question the triumphant look on Endeavor's face when Touya said he wanted to learn the ultimate move. Before his quirk started burning him, Touya had no idea he was born for his father's ulterior motives. He had no reason to question his father's attention. Touya lived under the impression his bond with his dad was genuine and special, and he probably felt lucky that his father was willing to share something so important to him (heroism). Even after the training stops and Endeavor stops paying attention to Touya, Touya still wears his merch and vies for his attention. Most kids see their parents as larger than life and Touya was no exception. Keigo Takami admired Endeavor the hero, and Touya Todoroki admired his father who just so happened to be the hero Endeavor. Since being a hero was such a big deal for Endeavor, it was a big deal for Touya.

But that's where Touya's story becomes tragic. His father is a flawed, flawed man with many insecurities and fallacies that he pushes onto his family. I’ll get to those in a moment, but as intelligent and observant Touya is to catch on that Endeavor never set out to marry to become a father, he is too young to separate himself from his father’s expectations. Touya realizes he was born for a purpose and Touya will be damned if he doesn't fulfill that purpose even if he knows it's wrong. His father's ‘love’ meant that much to him. For Touya, it's not about becoming a hero for the glory. It was about his relationship with his father because, as I mentioned earlier, Touya was his #1 fan in the sense that he loved Enji just for being his dad. There were no conditions tied to that. “You are my dad, and I love you.”

But that wasn’t a sentiment that Touya felt in return, and that hurt Touya. He internalized he wasn't good enough, that something about him was inherently wrong. But more than that, his world came tumbling down - he felt betrayed and lied to: his father didn't love him like Touya needed him to, and this truth destroyed him. Their relationship was a lie, a farce, and it hurt so much Touya became obsessed with not hurting anymore because he couldn’t get away from it.

Touya’s motivation to become a hero didn't rise from being inspired by All Might like Shouto. Touya’s thought process wasn’t "I want to be a hero to help others or be like All Might" like Deku. No, Touya only wanted to be a hero because he wanted his father to be proud of him for surpassing All Might. Notice that Touya's obsession with beating All Might slowly diminishes from “I can surpass All Might” to “I can surpass All Might like Shouto, too” to just “look at me, Endeavor.” It was never about being a hero per say, but about his relationship with his father. Touya realized that Endeavor isn't his father first, but a hero, and he understands that he has to be a hero too to fit into his father's world. Even upon realizing that his father was using him, Touya still wanted to be part of his life, still wanted that bond. Touya, in his desperation to be loved and accepted again, could look past his father's selfishness as long as he regained that approval. Touya could pretend the relationship was real as long as he stopped feeling so unlovable.

This is unhealthy thinking, of course. Even if Touya somehow managed to regain Endeavor's approval, the relationship would still be one-sided and dissatisfying because he wouldn't be able to ignore the truth. But, this is how he rationalized his insistence to keep training in his 4-5 year old mind and this line of thought stuck with him as he grew up just as those feelings of inadequacy never left him.

This is precisely why Natsuo's drowsy "can't you go talk to our sister?" hurt so much. Touya was already emotionally fragile, and hearing that felt like being rejected all over again when it was actually Natsuo just trying to sleep. Touya was hypersensitive to any words or actions that could be interpreted as dismissive. His trauma wouldn't listen to logic that Natsuo was 8 and too young to understand, that he was tired - no, Touya's brain said, you're being rejected again! This is also why he also stormed away crying from Fuyumi after she expressed her concern for him.

In Touya’s mind, why couldn't anyone just agree with him that he was good enough? He heard "your dad's right and you're not good enough so why try" not "I care about you, your father is wrong, and I don't want you to keep getting hurt" whenever Rei tried to get him to stop training because that's the message he got from his father, too. Nevermind that it infuriated Touya that his mother could stand there and preach to him when, from his perspective, she couldn’t take her own advice. All Endeavor ever did was teach him to turn up the heat, so why should it matter that doing just so hurts him? Touya didn't understand NOT training his quirk because he had been taught that raising his firepower was ideal in all situations. Those two statements didn't make sense to a 4-5 year old, a 13 year old, and it still doesn’t make sense as a 24 year old.

To take Endeavor's lack of self awareness a step further, because it's important to understand Endeavor to fully understand Dabi, Endeavor has yet to realize his own inherent worth. He doesn't have to prove anything to his family, especially his kids. They love him unconditionally, without special reason aside from the fact that he's theirs and he's himself. However, Endeavor is so obsessed with proving himself that he doesn't realize he never had to, and he projects this onto his children. They must prove themselves by winning the genetic lottery, by being useful to his plans, by surpassing All Might.

The irony that to be a great father he doesn't have to be a hero at all is ugly because Endeavor has no identity outside of being a hero. Endeavor has said before he wants to be a good hero and father to make Shouto proud, but he fails to realize he already had this in Touya all those years ago and it still left him unsatisfied. The issue isn’t his role as a hero, it’s his inner self. In 301 Endeavor literally reaches out to Touya to talk him out of training and hurting himself, and Touya allows his father to touch his shoulders because he wants a bond with his father - any bond. Shouto, on the other hand, wouldn't allow Endeavor to touch him in 167 and slaps his hand away because he doesn’t want Endeavor’s approval. Endeavor doesn't realize Natsuo carries deep abandonment and neglect issues because he wanted to be accepted by his father too (light novel #5) but was ignored. Endeavor doesn't realize he was always good enough by default and that by projecting onto his kids and trying to be the top hero he’s doing the opposite of what he wants. He just keeps pushing away his family.

It’s important to point out Endeavor’s illogical thinking because Touya learned some of these same ideas. Touya repeatedly tries to prove himself without realizing that he was always good enough by default. The problem wasn’t his quirk or his body, but his father’s flawed thinking and self-worth issues. Now as an adult, Dabi is selfish because he's Endeavor's son and emobidies his most negative characteristics. Dabi thinks of his flames as Endeavor's, and he thinks of himself as an extension of Endeavor because that's how Endeavor set him up for life. Touya has no identity to fall back on after his father casts him aside. He was supposed to be Endeavor 2.0, but now that title is Shouto’s. Dabi doesn’t hate Shouto as a person, but he has tricked himself into believing Shouto is their father’s puppet. Shouto is a doll being used by their father with no self agency, and Dabi is going to break all of Endeavor’s toys. It’s nothing personal against Shouto, it’s just Shouto’s bad luck that he happens to be Endeavor’s masterpiece. This is why Dabi doesn’t hurt Shouto when they first meet at the training camp, and why Dabi stops attacking Shouto after Endeavor passes out - it’s not about Shouto. It’s about Endeavor, and breaking Endeavor. Touya is still there trying to be part of his father’s world, only this time not as a hero but as a villain who will end his own suffering. He doesn't want Endeavor to die, he just wants him to suffer, to ruin his dreams. Dabi thinks of it as justice.

But because Touya is still there, there is still that goodness in him, too. His connection to Fuyumi and Natsuo is still there, repressed and compartmentalized. It’s why he calls them affectionately as Fuyumi-chan and Natsu-kun. Touya’s pain is so great he has decided he’d rather end it than to carry on and look elsewhere. He's stuck, rightfully so. He recognizes his mother is a flawed person and ultimately doesn’t blame her for being a victim - she could have done more for her son, but he still sees her and his other siblings, even Shouto, as people who fell victim to Endeavor’s abuse who don't challenge their situation. Dabi sees himself as someone who does stand up to the abuse but doesn’t realize he still wants his father’s attention. He's always wanted it. That's why he went around at 13 condemning his father's treatment of his children but still trained to prove himself. This is part of the reason he became a villain.

Not to mention that Dabi literally can't cry. He has no way to release those emotions, so instead of trying to let them out, he pushes them down. But that doesn't work and is detrimental in the long run. In 290-294 we saw Dabi's flames burn so hot during his confrontation with Endeavor and revealing himself as Touya that his burns have spread. Dabi is afraid of his feelings because of their connection to his flames, but he also uses his feelings to his advantage. He wants to go out in an inferno along with Shouto just to hurt Endeavor and put an end to his own suffering and Endeavor's career. This is why Dabi doesn't bother calming himself down or denying that he never forgot how he was treated when he lived at home. Dabi became emotional in that battlefield, smiling maniacally instead of crying because he physically can't cry. In his mind, if his feelings are going to destroy him, he might as well use them to prove a point. After all, he has experience being used. It's why he was born.

I'm not saying any of these actions or thoughts are healthy or correct or condoned, by the way. Trauma responses don't make logical sense and usually aren't healthy. Knowing how the mind responds to trauma, it's understandable that Touya still wanted his father's attention even if it was abusive. In fact, this is how children often respond to abuse. Their caretaker/parent is all they know and they cling to these figures. Often times when authorities try to remove a child from their abusive parents, the child doesn't want to go because this parent is all they know and they do feel like they love their parent/caretaker. I’m not saying the authorities got involved in this case, because obviously they didn’t, but this same mentality of abused children can be applied to Touya. Touya, in his four year old mind, probably convinced himself that if he was good enough everything would go back to how it used to be.

So, to sum up Dabi’s character, of course he doesn't make any sense. He’s still that hurt 4-5 year old who is trying to protect himself from ever getting hurt like that again while still wanting his father’s validation. Of course he doesn’t want to get close to anyone, not even the League. He doesn't want to be vulnerable or let people in or form connections because the last time that happened he was let down, forsaken, and it hurt so much it literally made him lose control of his quirk to the point he almost died. When Twice is killed, Dabi consoles himself by saying he didn't care anyway, all to prevent another emotional fire. Dabi is a master of compartmentalizing and boxing away his feelings - this is probably why, 310 chapters into BNHA, we have yet to have a few chapters in his POV or his backstory. He's disconnected from himself. He knows his plot to get justice will hurt his siblings and mother and to live with himself and move forward he represses those feelings.

Because of his father not showing up on Sekoto peak, Dabi has to live with physical disabilities due to his scars and memories of burning alive. He doesn't want to go through that again so he lies to himself that he doesn't care about anyone or anything. He denies that he's still in pain while simultaneously seeking validation of his pain. He acts like he doesn't care about his family but still calls them affectionate names. He acts like he hates Endeavor and calls him by his name but still wants his attention. He decided long ago that he would die destroying Endeavor's career because that was the thing Endeavor cares about most of all in this life. It's a "you hurt me so I'll hurt you" mentality. He has tricked himself into thinking this is justice, failing to realize this won't make him feel better if he doesn't die by his own hand along the way.

Dabi is full of resentment and spite, both of which take root from feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and the loss of a purpose and the realization that he wasn't born to be loved for who he was but as a tool for his father. The first betrayal he suffered was in the form of realizing his father didn't love him genuinely, and this was identity-breaking for him. He never recovered from it. The second betrayal, the reinforcer, was his father not showing up to Sekoto Peak. Since then, Dabi is reliving his trauma over and over again the more he uses his quirk and the more he faces Endeavor. To be saved, Dabi needs to accept that he is loved unconditionally and needs to be validated that he was right to feel thrown aside and used.

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

The Road Less Traveled (Fellowship x Pregnant!Reader)

Synopsis: Left by a man who took you out of wedlock, you discover halfway through the Fellowship’s journey that you are, indeed, pregnant. Not wishing for you to face motherhood alone, the Fellowship conspires, regarding whom gets to marry you and help raise your child, leaving you with a tough choice.

This was not at all how you saw your life going—both the man leaving you for another woman, and finding out you were pregnant with his baby on a perilous quest, miles upon miles away from the nearest dwelling.

You had been madly in love with this man, unaware he had eyes for another. Your copulating love was taken out of wedlock, a choice you knew had its risks, but Brander had a charming way about him.

You never would have thought he’d leave you. However, one morning, Brander announced the conclusion of your relationship with another woman on his arm.

Heartbroken and enraged, you threw all his clothes from your shack, and took to a horse. Riding swiftly, you headed to the one place you knew hearts were healed; Rivendell.

Upon your arrival, a council of sorts was taking place. One thing led to another, as per usual in your life, and you found yourself on another journey—this time with a higher purpose, and nine other guys.

Things were difficult, but honestly relieving. The fresh air cleansed your soul, as did the healthy relationships you built up with the nine males—proving to you that they weren’t all bad, right on time before you could curse the entire species of XY chromosomes out forever.

However, this was as far as the fun went.

It started with a tiredness the Fellowship brushed off due to your inexperience, and then the lateness of your period. Next, early dawns were spent throwing up in the woods, with whomever was on night-watch holding your hair back, usually Aragorn, Legolas or Boromir.  

You wept slightly when a sparring match with Boromir resulted in a shield hitting your breasts, for they were very tender as of late. The final nail in the coffin was the snubbing of Sam’s usually delicious bacon making you hurl.

Gandalf had taken to speaking with you privately, and asked, in the politest manner possible, if he could assess your womb to find confirmation of another soul.

Legolas approached slowly, crouched down by your side, and spoke responsively in the most apologetic of voices.

“There is no need—I can hear their heartbeat…I am so sorry, Y/n.”

You broke down into tears quickly, and everyone soon knew your predicament that evening. You apologized over and over, and felt utterly mortified. How embarrassing.

They now knew the choice you had made out of wedlock, and were pregnant as a result—something highly frowned upon in human society, and many others in Middle-earth, for that matter. You would no doubt be branded as a “whore” upon your return to society.

You told them all about Brander that night, and opened up to them fully. Jaws were clenched, nervous glances were flashed, and brows were furrowed.

They now had an expectant, first-time mother in their midst, on their way to quite possibly the worst place in the world to take a pregnant woman. Adding onto this, their poor friend, whom they had grown quite close with, was in a horrible situation.

But perhaps it was one they could help with?

Driven by noble blood and true chivalry, the Fellowship started to discuss their options.  

“It’s just awful, what that ‘Brander’ fellow has done to her,” said Boromir, discreetly nodding over in your direction.

You were sat with your head in one hand on a log by the fire, face contorted in misery. Your cheeks and eyes, as well as your nose, were all pink, due to a long while of crying.

Sam sat on one side of you, and held your hand. He reassured you with bright words of soothing promises.

“Don’t worry, Miss Y/n! All will work out! You’ll see! You’re bringing a new soul into this world! That’s nothing to be ashamed of!” Sam would say.

Merry, Frodo and Pippin were on your other side, rubbing your back and holding your shoulder.

“He’s right!” they’d agree, nodding profusely. “You’ll see! This is a wonderful thing. You just can’t quite picture it yet, but you will!”

Gimli, Boromir, Aragorn and Legolas were all huddled in close, standing in a circle. They stood a little further off from the fire, but still caught its glow.

Gandalf was sat on a log himself, puffing away on a pipe. The affairs of human society were not his responsibility, but he offered guidance from a distance nonetheless. He already knew all would work out, but was the only one there oldest and wisest enough to realize so.

Legolas’ arms were folded over his chest, as were the three others’ he stood with. “She’ll be shamed wherever she goes, and her child will be considered a bastard. Truly awful…I feel compelled to help. What can we do?”

“Well, to avoid public slander,” Aragorn spoke up knowingly, “she’d have to be married.”

“Very well and all,” Gimli whispered back, “but were you perhaps not present when she said the scoundrel ran off with another filly?”

“He was not whom I was referencing,” Aragorn mentioned. He threw a studious glance in your direction, and spoke again. “She is a fine young lady, with a strong heart and homely nature. She would make a wonderful wife, and I feel it our duty as her friends to make sure she becomes so.”

“You mean for us to marry her?” Legolas asked, incredulously. His head lowered in shock as he spoke, and a brow arched.

The guys, save for Aragorn, who overlooked it all, glanced between each other tensely, unsure if the alarmed glint in their eyes was competition or fear.

Boromir was the first to speak up.

“I will do it, in a heartbeat!” he said. “You are right, Aragorn—she is a wonderful young lady, and deserves to be wed in time for her child. I will care for them both.”

“Well, now hold on a moment,” Legolas snapped, glaring across at Boromir. “Why do you get to marry her? I am much closer in age to her than you are…figuratively speaking, at least. I should be the one to marry her—we get along best.”

“You?” Gimli snorted. “You will outlive her in the blink of an eye.”

“Oh, and you won’t?” Legolas said back. “None of us implied romance anyways, Gimli. I’d merely be a lifelong friend and guardian for her and her child. I’m the most suited out of everyone here to provide for her—”

“Because you’re a prince?” Boromir interjected, narrowing his eyes.

“Not just because of that,” Legolas bit back, squaring up with Boromir slightly. “But what of it regardless? What does it matter how I provide for her? I plan on renouncing my title and making a life of my own anyways. I might not get the chance for a child of my own, and I can help Y/n raise hers.”

“She’s not some puppy, laddie,” Gimli snorted back. “You both want to store her away in a little cottage or unit somewhere drab. I can provide her with culture! Dwarven culture! Her little one deserves to grow up in grand halls and eat ripened meat!”

Aragorn looked between the unfolding drama, and soon raised a hand before you could become even more distressed. Fortunately, you hadn’t heard a thing of their hushed conversation.

“That is enough,” Aragorn said. “I’d offer to marry her myself, but…well, I do believe you three are better suited than me to provide a stable life for her. It is ultimately up to Y/n. All either three of you can do is offer your hand in marriage to her, and see what she says.”

Glares were thrown between the three potential suitors, as each wondered who’d be the first to turn around and run towards you.

As it turns out, all three turned on their heels at the same. They nearly tripped over one another. However, they stopped almost immediately, for someone on the other side already had the same idea.

“It is quite all right, Y/n,” Frodo said, down on one knee before you, and holding your hand. “The Shire will accept you, and I can just say I fell in love on the road and married you immediately. I have a big house now left all to myself, with many rooms. You can have one to yourself, as can your child. Bilbo did the same for me when I was young.”

You were crying again, but this time out of happiness. Your other hand was placed over your chest, as you smiled down at the kind hobbit with a wavering lower lip.

“Oh, Frodo, that is so incredibly kind, I can only say—”

“DON’T SAY ANYTHING!” Legolas shouted, rushing forwards. He nearly shoved Frodo out of the way, and took his place holding your hand swiftly.

“Y/n,” he began, sincerely, “I’ve always felt that you and I have had a…special bond since beginning this journey together. I can provide you with a cottage in the forest, and true protection. I’m an archer and an elf—your child will learn many life skills with me as their parental guardian. And, furthering this, after you’ve moved on from our world, your child will surely be left behind. I can ensure they are well-cared for up until their own departure!”

“Oh, Legolas, I don’t know what to...” you went to say, holding his hand with both of yours. You were truly starting to get overwhelmed with happiness and relief.

“Oh, shove it, pixie!” Gimli shouted from behind Legolas. He, too, stole the snarling elf’s place, chivalrously removing his helmet as he did so. “Lass, I know I may not be your usual type, or blonde, but I am asking for your hand as well. I can offer you so much in Dwarven society. The women are strong, and you will find ranks in them! Your child will be given an equal chance, no matter the gender, to be themselves! Life in the halls is a true marvel—”

“Enough, the both of you!” Boromir shouted next. He tugged Gimli by the beard and threw him away. “Y/n, you and I are both humans. I understand you and our shared culture better than anyone else here! Please, nothing would make me happier than to provide for you as my wife. Not to mention, the child will look most like me, racially-wise.”

The hobbits all looked between each other with shocked smiles, intrigued by the situation, and Gandalf and Aragon merely shook their heads.

Legolas grabbed hold of Boromir’s shoulder and stood him up. “Race has nothing to do with it! If we’re really going to narrow this down to looks, I am the tallest! That is highly desirable in a husband! Y/n and her child will live a wonderfully secure and safe life with me. You need to back off.”

“Why don’t you make me?” Boromir bit back.

Before a fight could break out between the two of them, Gimli hopped into the middle and added his own string of harsh words.

The three suitors of differing races soon began to bicker between themselves, leaving you sat on the log very stunned indeed.

However, after a long while of listening to them argue over who gets to marry you, you put up your hand and silenced them. Although, it took a good few shouts until they shut up completely and curiously blinked down at you.

“Boys. Boys! BOYS!” Once the attention was on you, you spoke again. “I am so incredibly flattered by your equal devotion, it has truly made me feel better about everything, but...do I not get a say in whom I marry out of everyone here?”

Legolas moved his body slightly, so he stood facing you straight. “Well, whom do you choose, my lady?”

Frodo had backed off entirely, but shared a lipped smile with you, ultimately letting you know the offer was still on the table regardless. Boromir, Gimli and Legolas all stared at you optimistically, leaning forwards as they waited for your reply.

Stumped by so many choices, and considering you didn’t even know this would be a part of your life plan up until five hours ago, you went with the smartest choice; waiting.

“These are all very early days…” you began. “I’m very overwhelmed by all the offers, and still getting used to the idea of motherhood, and now marriage—”

You took a calming breath.

“You’re all so sweet, and I truly appreciate your support, but…could I perhaps sit on it for a while, and return with an answer at a later time? This is a very big decision, as you can all imagine.”

They quickly agreed, and nodded their heads vehemently.

“Take all the time you need!” they said reassuringly, in one form or another.

That night, they all waved sweet “goodnights” over their shoulders to you, and even gave up their cloaks and packs to create what they deemed the perfect “mother’s nest” for you to sleep on.

It was all very sweet, and warmed your heart. However, although half the problem was solved, you were presented with another; who on earth were you going to choose to marry and raise your unborn child with?

Actually, the more you thought about it that night, as you fell asleep with nine friends protecting you as you slept in the middle, like a herd of animals keeping their mother-to-be safe, the more you realized you already knew exactly whom you wanted to live with.

[kiame-sama]

28 Years (5th Pregnancy)- Yandere!Silva x Reader

Warnings; yandere relationship, yandere tendencies, yandere behavior, yandere, mention of past trauma, pregnancy, c-section, more arguing, vasectomy, Zeno is so done with his son's bullshit

"No. We are not doing this again. I won't allow it!" "Hey, I told you how to fix this from ever happening again." "I did use protection. It clearly didn't work." "I didn't say 'use protection' did I? I said you should get a vasectomy since it's clear that regular protection and emergency medication doesn't work!" "I shouldn't have to-"

"ENOUGH!"

You and Silva fell silent at the firm and loud command from Zeno, looking over at the frustrated elder assassin. He happened to be holding young Alluka in his arms while the infant whined and cried from all the noise, compelling you to take the young child and set to comforting the infant. Alluka quickly quieted once in your grasp and allowed you to return your attention to the matter at hand, the new heartbeat that originated from within you.

You had been trying to avoid a third pregnancy given your prior back-to-back pregnancies and your already fragile health, yet here you were with another infant growing within you. You assumed something like this would happen, given your past attempts with contraceptives and how little they actually worked. Naturally, you suggested Silva have a vasectomy as it was not only a surefire way, but also a reversible surgery.

Originally, you suggested getting your tubes tied despite the danger that came with it but Silva quickly shot down the idea with his usual explanation of not wanting to lose you. Silva knew somewhere in him that the typical contraceptives wouldn't work, given the fact that he had used several similar methods to trigger a termination of prior pregnancies you were unaware of. He had hoped in some way that your body hadn't built up a resistance to them, but he also knew it was going to happen eventually.

He did plan on undergoing a vasectomy when you had first suggested it, but he quickly forgot about it in favor of getting to finally fuck you senseless now that your body had somewhat recovered after your most recent pregnancy. He had just been so relieved you were able to be brought back from your cardiac arrest following his mistake of once again taking your child away, and couldn't help himself from indulging in his favorite pass-time; fucking you. It was clear to everyone how addicted Silva was to you, in the way he would always return to your side after a job, how he would guard you jealously from anyone other than himself.

He was so whipped for you.

But now, you had a serious choice to make for your future and the future of the life already growing within you. It wasn't hard to guess what Silva wants to have happen, and some part of you agreed after enduring all that you had. Yet... You still felt that maternal connection already forming, wanting to protect all of your children from Silva, even the new child within you that had yet to take even a first breath.

"You're not keeping it." "Yes, I am." "No. I won't tolerate this again!" "Good thing you aren't the one who has to tolerate it. Last time I checked, its my body that goes through all the strain and effort of pregnancy, not your’s." "Are you doing this just to hurt yourself? To try and exhaust your body to the point of death?" "... Again, last time I checked, I wasn't the cause of my heart stopping." "..."

Silva stood silently, passive expression on his face as he wrestled with his own mind over the matter at hand. On one side, you were right; he was the reason he almost lost you, he's been the reason every single time. Even if it was complications during birth, it was still his fault entirely for getting you pregnant in the first place. On the other, he knew the immense toll another pregnancy will have on your body and the chances of you dying during birth increased with each one. The odds were not good.

It was then Silva spoke, his voice gentle and not at all like what you were expecting him to growl out with. It was the voice you scarcely heard on those far and few between days Silva would be truly gentle in every way, usually reserved for when he decided to honestly apologize to you for something. He was proud and cold, but there were those moments when that pride was set aside, when he would actually explain how he felt instead of leaving it at short sentences that never offered answers.

"(Y/n), don't do this again. Don't stubbornly hold on to this one. I know you already love it, as you love all of our children, and you will always fight for their safety no matter what, but for once you need to let me win. Let it go." "... If I say 'no', will you take it from me anyway?" "(Y/n)..." "Are you going to take my baby away from me again, Silva?" "..."

A soft sigh left Silva's lips as he frowned, knowing you were going to win the argument regardless of what he said or did. He knew he owed you more than he could give and there was no way he would force you to give the child up. If you truly wanted to keep it, he wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. Still didn't mean he had to like it.

"There is no sense in saying the obvious or telling you the risks you run having another baby so soon after your two prior pregnancies." "I know..."

Zeno hummed in a contemplative way, knowing Silva would refuse to go out on a job while you are pregnant and he had already refused to leave the Zoldyck estate in favor of keeping an eye on you. Given how intensely and fiercely he protected you, Zeno knew the immense toll the pregnancies have taken on Silva as well as you. But no one in the family wanted a repeat of the events that took place after Silva had taken Alluka away from you without telling you.

It was going to be a long eight months.

~~~~Four Months~~~~

"You need to sleep, (y/n)." "But what if something happens?" "Nothing is going to happen." "You don't know that..."

Silva frowned as he watched you pace in front of the couch in your shared rooms, chewing on your lip as you cradled your youngest in your arms. The child had already fallen asleep in your arms an hour ago, yet you still held on securely and refused to set your baby down for even a moment. Silva had seen the way you reacted to Illumi being taken and the subsequent over protective behavior you showed once you got him back in your arms.

Your behavior now was similar to how you behaved then, refusing to let your infant out of your sight to the point of impacting your health negatively. Silva knew you were reacting the way you were because of how he had managed to take Alluka from you in the first place. He had taken Alluka while you were sleeping even though you slept with the infant swaddled in a pile of blankets in your arms, so now you refused to sleep in fear Alluka would disappear from your arms once again.

Now he had to face the lasting consequences of his actions in the form of soothing you to the point of trusting him once more. It was going to take a while, however, as Silva had broken your already fragile trust yet again by stealing away your newborn, so it was unlikely he would be able to get you to trust him completely any time soon. Instead of the trust he once had, he had to watch you slip away into anxiety driven behavior due to his careless and selfish behavior.

It was driving him mad to watch you slip into such frenzied behavior, especially given the fact that you were enduring your third pregnancy in a row. Not only did you need sleep now more than ever, but you also had been refusing food in favor of feeding Alluka instead. It infuriated Silva to no end, as he had no choice but to let your anxious behavior play out until you calmed down once more. He wasn't going to chance doing anything that may be upsetting to you, but that also meant he wasn't going to force you to rest no matter how much he wanted to.

"At least sit down, (y/n)." "With you? No. No, not again." "I swear to you, I won't take-" "You've said that before, and it didn't stop you from taking Alluka away from me." "I'm aware I made a mistake, but I assure you-" "No."

It was going to be a long four months until you gave birth again and potentially trusted him once more.

~~~~Six Months~~~~

You hummed as you looked down at where your darling Alluka slept, curled up and held securely in the arms of Illumi. Silva had reached a breaking point when it came to your anxious and stressed behavior, deciding to allow Illumi to be by your side consistently so you would finally relax and get some much needed sleep. The presence of your eldest nearby did wonders to soothe you, trusting in your son to take care of his little sibling and keep Silva from stealing the infant away.

Though Silva disliked the fact that he had to share your attention and affection with his eldest son, the alternative was far worse in his opinion. You had gotten to the point of rarely sleeping so you could ensure Silva could not steal your baby away, draining yourself immensely in the process to the point you were not only rapidly losing weight, but you were becoming far less coordinated by the day. When enough was enough, he consulted his father on what his next step should be and the answer was obvious; let Illumi help take care of your wellbeing.

Your eldest practically jumped at the chance to spend unlimited amounts of time with you, not even perturbed by the fact that he had to take care of his youngest sibling. An extra cot was added into the bedroom, allowing Illumi to be present for around the clock assistance in child-care and to give you the added comfort of having your most trusted son nearby. You ensured to teach him how to properly hold an infant and how to soothe Alluka's fussing relatively quickly, only strengthening your motherly bond with Illumi by allowing you to put full faith in him with Alluka's well-being.

For once, Silva's plan worked like a charm. Not only did you finally start catching up on the rest you needed, you began to eat your meals with Illumi and therefore began to eat regularly once more. Along with your physical health, your mental health began to improve as well. You started smiling and talking more, resting with surprising ease in the arms of the very man you refused to so much as blink around only weeks prior.

Thanks to your teachings, Illumi was a rather brilliant nanny in your stead. Alluka would hardly make a peep when held in the comforting arms of Illumi and similarly, Illumi would make little to no noise while caring for his sibling. Even if he had more responsibilities with taking care of Alluka, Illumi wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. He could spend time with you, talk with you, relax in your maternal love and affection.

Truly it was a win for all three of you. Alluka was always cared for. Illumi was finally able to spend more time with you. You were able to relax for the first time in who knows how long. Even Silva had relatively few losses, given how much more affectionate you were with him now you knew your infant was safe.

~~~~Eight Months~~~~

Silva paced outside of the delivery room, looking up almost every minute to check the time before resuming his endless pacing. He was much like a caged lion or bear, pacing just to pass the time and to do something other than sit still. He certainly was far more dangerous than any of those animals combined, only serving to add a rather pointed reminder to any doctor of what their fate would be should they fail.

But that was the whole purpose of this endeavor, to ensure nothing failed. Surely nothing could have gone wrong with all the precautions that were put into place.

Surely.

Either way, the long time it was taking only served to make Silva more anxious and his presence all the more intimidating. It in truth had only been a few hours since you went under so the doctors could perform a c-section to safely deliver what would be your fifth child. After the close calls with both Killua and Alluka as well as the fact this was your third back-to-back pregnancy, Silva wanted to take no chances with your life.

A c-section was how Killua and Alluka ultimately had to be delivered despite the fact you were able to have a 'typical' birth with Illumi and Milluki, so naturally it would only make sense for your fifth child to be delivered via c-section. It didn't sit well with Silva, however. Nothing would sit well with him until you were safely out of surgery and in his arms.

But what was taking so damn long?

"For fuck's sake, Silva, sit down. Pacing doesn't make it go faster and intimidating the doctors will only make it more likely for them to mess up." "Their lives are forfeit if they so much as make a single mistake." "And they know this. They've known this. All you're doing is adding another element no one wants to deal with."

Despite his father's chiding words, Silva continued to pace and glare at nothing in particular. Where it always seemed as if the man had a scowl on his face, it seemed ten times worse given he was actually scowling. The moment the door opened, Silva was pushing past the frightened doctor and into the room where his wife lay motionless.

For a moment, Silva felt an honest pang of fear in his chest when he saw you were not awake, the ever present beep of the EKG soothed him to know you were still alive and merely unconscious. The doctors all scattered like frightened rats, scurrying away from the intimidating mountain of a man who silently pulled up a chair, sitting by your side and refusing to take his eyes off of you.

Zeno, Maha, Milluki, and Illumi entered the room in a much calmer manner as they also came to stand around you. Alluka had been moved into Zeno's care given the impending delivery of the new addition to the family, and Illumi stood ready to receive the newborn and care for it while you recovered. Everyone had been preparing for the newborn in their own way, from the butlers ensuring the utmost safety to Zeno taking over Alluka's care, it seemed everything was finally prepared for and taken into account.

Meanwhile, in the past month, Silva had finally undergone a vasectomy so there would be no further chance of yet another pregnancy threatening your future with him. It was possible that it could be reversed and so it was the only surefire way no unexpected pregnancy would happen again. Where Silva felt he would have no reason to reverse the change since he already had five children, the option was always still available should something ever come up.

Perhaps finally there could be peace in the house. At least, peaceful enough no sudden pregnancy could threaten your life. Now all that needed to happen was getting the new infant out before Silva could finally have you all to himself once again.

He could wait. He could wait as long as he needed to. Because in the end, you would always be his.