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incognit0slut · 8 months

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MASTER OF PERSUASION

Part 4 of kinktober | main masterlist

meandom!Spencer/Hotch x fem!reader; Threesome, creampie, dumbification, degradation, brat taming, abuse of power, edging, dubcon

Your involvement in a heinous crime was questioned by the two FBI agents who were eager to do anything to get you to talk.

Words: 6802

a/n: This one is dedicated to my nasty, touch-starved btches who secretly wants to be manhandled by two older men. Enjoy this pure filth🫶

YOU WERE FAR FROM BEING A GOOD PERSON. From the surface, you seemed like a normal, typical woman, just one of the countless faces within the crowd. But when the doors shut behind you, you find yourself involved in endeavors you should never have pursued in the first place.

You knew too much. You were acutely aware of how many crimes happening in your vicinity. The number of deaths resulting from these heinous acts should be enough to terrify you, but it didn't, because unbeknownst to your peers, you were one of the reasons why they happened.

Although you never played the role of the perpetrator, you were the person these criminals came to for information. You were good with technology, you could hack into any secure system in the blink of an eye. It was almost as if you were a deity of the dark web, a mastermind whose mere presence served as a godsend to those carrying out these crimes.

It was easy money; you gave what they wanted, received what they paid you, and most importantly, you made sure to never look back. You always wiped everything out after each job was done, but somehow, after working on so many deals, your luck finally struck out.

Somebody hacked into your system—no, somebody good hacked into your system. This person knew what they were doing. They managed to hack through your firewall and retrieve a few of your data while also discovering your identity.

You honestly wanted to praise whoever was on the other side because you had never encountered someone who could match, if not surpass, your own skill. But it wasn't until you heard the loud banging on your front door, followed by people in uniformed vests rushing in and pointing their guns at you, that you finally realized who had breached your system.

It was the FBI.

So that was how you found yourself sitting inside an interrogation room hours later with two agents across from you. A very tall, intimidating man stood at the corner, his arms crossed as he watched you silently. Dr. Spencer Reid was how he introduced himself, and the way he emphasized the title in front of his name, you were certain he was the type of person who took extreme pride in his intelligence.

He seemed a little too cocky.

Special Agent Aaron Hotchner, on the other hand, was hard to decipher. The older man appeared somewhat guarded as if his job had forced him to put on a facade devoid of genuine emotions. Maybe it did. He was, after all, a federal agent. Both of them were. These men were probably taught to master the art of maintaining an inscrutable poker face.

Nevertheless, they were both intimidating, and you wondered to yourself, was good cop bad cop not a thing anymore? Because as far as this was going, none of them seemed inclined to make things easy for you.

The man in front of you cleared his throat, his voice was a well-practiced blend of authority and curiosity. "You've been quite elusive, haven't you, Miss Y/L/N?"

You leaned back, studying him through half-lidded eyes, your fingers tracing the edges of the table with a cool, almost casual detachment. "Elusiveness is a matter of perspective, Agent Hotchner. I prefer to think of it as adaptability."

"Adaptability?" He leaned in closer, his sharp gaze never wavering. "You've made quite a name for yourself. You've infiltrated government agencies, stolen classified data, and even orchestrated financial heists... Impressive, I must say."

A faint smile danced upon your lips, revealing just a glimmer of amusement. "I simply explore the hidden avenues of the World Wide Web. It's not about the thrill; it's about the knowledge."

His eyes narrowed. "But your actions have consequences. You've caused quite a chaos, don't you think?"

"Consequences are a part of every action, whether in the digital realm or the physical world. As for chaos..." You met his gaze with unwavering confidence. "Well, sometimes chaos is necessary for evolution."

He leaned back, his expression unyielding. "Evolution or anarchy?"

"As I said, everything is a matter of perspective, even anarchy," you replied, your voice smooth as silk. "In the grand scheme of things, I'm just a catalyst. Society's flaws were there long before I came along."

The man in the corner took a step forward. His eyes bore into you with resolve as if he had grown weary of the ongoing debate. "You've had your say," he interjected with a steely tone. "You know why you're here. Our victim's files were found on your computer, we need to know who requested them."

You met his gaze with a mixture of defiance and amusement, unfazed by his direct approach. "Doctor Reid," you said, your voice laced with a hint of mock surprise. "Always chasing ghosts in the machine, aren't you?"

His expression remained composed, his intellect undeniably sharp. "We're not here to discuss my pursuits. We're here to talk about the life you've disrupted."

"Disrupted? I'd say I've merely revealed the cracks in the system. Your victim, as you call them, was a casualty of a much larger game."

"Games have rules, Miss Y/L/N. You seem to operate outside of them."

"Rules are made to be broken, Spencer," you retorted, your tone cutting like a blade through the air. "I can call you that, right? I hate having to speak with such formalities."

"It's Doctor Reid," he corrected. "Tell us who you're working for."

His unwavering determination was met with a subtle, knowing smile from you. You leaned forward, your eyes locking onto his with a hint of intrigue.

"I don't know, Spencer," you began, your tone slightly softer, as if you were letting him in on a secret, "The digital world is a labyrinth of information. Files come and go, they disappear and reappear... It's like trying to catch a shadow in the dark. It's useless."

He addressed you with a cold stare. "You're playing a dangerous game here."

You raised an eyebrow, your voice honeyed with allure. "Oh, I'm well aware of the game we're playing. But don't mistake my refusal to cooperate for arrogance. It's just that some secrets are meant to stay hidden."

The room seemed to contract, the air thick with unresolved tension. Aaron cleared his throat and your eyes fell back on him. "Miss Y/L/N, give us a name and we can make things easier for you. But if you don't cooperate..." His eyes traveled down along your body, the goosebumps rose on your skin in response to the heat of his gaze. "I'm afraid we have to resort to extreme measures."

A brief pause hung in the room. There was something in the way he was staring at you. He was looking at you with a profound determination that seemed very different from the way he assessed you before. Under the weight of his scrutiny, you felt your body growing hot. Your breath hitched, and a flush of warmth crept up your neck and tingled in your cheeks.

You regarded him for a moment before you finally spoke, your voice calm but tinged with a hint of defiance.

"If you think you can break me, Aaron, you're gravely mistaken. But if you're interested in the name..." you leaned back, crossing your arms. "I guess you'll have to earn it."

The tension in the room escalated as your words hung in the air. His jaw clenched, and when you thought you had won the upper hand over this battle of wits, he surprised you by waving his hand in the air, and Spencer came forward.

It was as if they had planned this. The way Aaron instructed his partner to move seemed rehearsed and calculated. Spencer walked over to you and before you could register what was happening, he grabbed onto your arm and wrenched you out of your chair with a force you didn't know he possessed.

Your voice carried a mix of anger and frustration as you protested, "What the hell are you doing?"

You suddenly felt him run his hands along your arms. "Checking for weapons."

The scoff you gave him was loud. "Oh, now you're treating me like a criminal?"

"It's a mere precaution."

And then you felt it, the way his touch lingered on your body. It was far from any normal search. His hands felt warm on your skin, even over the material of your shirt, as he continued to pat down your arms. There was a certain roughness in his movements as he slid his arms around your backside and you couldn't mistake the way he gripped your ass more than he should probably have.

"This is ridiculous," you muttered under your breath. "You won't find anything."

"I'll be the judge of that." He slightly shoved your shoulders. "Put your hands on the table."

You reluctantly did as you were told, silently gritting your teeth. His hands moved with purpose, and as much as you wanted to stop this questionable act, your body was reacting in a way that had you questioning yourself instead.

Why was your heart beating so fast as he stood behind you? Why was it getting so hard to breathe when his hands slipped around your waist? And why did it seem you were anticipating more when his palms slightly hovered over your breasts?

"Is this really necessary?" You asked quietly, trying to act as if his rough hands on you weren't affecting you. "This feels more like an attempt for intimidation."

You could practically hear the smugness in his voice as he asked, "Are you intimidated, Miss Y/L/N?"

You liked to think that you weren't, but honestly, you didn't know anymore. You had tried your best to put on a mask to avoid appearing weak, but as he started to squeeze your breasts in the palm of his hands, it finally dawned on you what was happening—You were finally caught, there was a high chance of you ending up in jail, and now a federal agent was touching you inappropriately, groping you in a crude form of patting you down.

And to your dismay, you actually liked it.

But you had too much of a pride, that was why you found yourself lying through your teeth. "No."

Spencer hummed a reply as if he didn't believe you. He squeezed your breasts through your shirt again, palming at them as he slightly felt your nipples stiffen through the material, and he couldn't resist rolling them as his touch continued lower. Your breath hitched as he mapped out your curves, one of his hands delving between your thighs before he stopped right at the center of your heat.

You let out a gasp.

"I-Is this even legal?"

Your mind went blurry as you felt his fingers touching you through the thin fabric of your pants. "Are you questioning how the law enforcement works?"

You couldn't answer him. Not because you didn't want to, but because you weren't able to form any coherent words as he continued to palm your sex, his fingers continuing to rub you. You were suddenly so focused on the way he was touching you, your head hanging low as you felt the sensation throughout your body, that you didn't even hear Aaron calling out your name.

It wasn't until Spencer retrieved his hand from between your thighs, and yanked your hair from behind, that you were forced to meet Aaron's gaze. "He called you," Spencer mocked, tightening his grip.

Aaron leaned forward, assessing the way you were arching your back with both of your hands planted on the table. "You have two options. One, we can play nicely, you give us a name and we'll go easy on you." His voice dropped lower as he continued, "Or two, you keep with this attitude and we might have to coax the answer out of you."

You locked eyes with him, a silent challenge burning in your gaze. Despite being in this vulnerable position, there was an undeniable strength in your stare, a refusal to surrender to their intimidation. Aaron met your gaze with a profound understanding.

"The hard way it is then." You saw him lean back in his chair as he crossed his arms, the subtle movement actuating his broad chest. "You know what to do, Reid."

There was nothing remotely gentle about the way Spencer handled you after those words. He shoved you, knocking the air out of your lungs as you gasped, your body pressed against the cool surface of the table. Somehow between your struggles, he managed to slide his hands around your waist, unbuttoning your pants before pushing them down your legs.

The air hit your bare skin, and even when you felt the cool breeze, your body was seething with fire, burning through your veins. The warmth spread along your cheeks as you realized you were wearing your skimpiest underwear, a flimsy material of dark lace that barely covered your sex. He gripped your ass with the palm of his hands, fingertips digging into the plush skin as he spread you apart.

"Well, aren't you a pretty thing?" You felt him shift behind you and you imagined him kneeling right in front of your heat. The moment his knuckles brushed along your wet patch, your hips bucked involuntarily. "She's wet, Hotch, I think she's getting a little too excited."

"I'm not surprised," the older man said. "She does seem like a slut."

Your head snapped at him. "I am not a slut."

"Oh, you are a slut." He leaned forward and reached out his hand, holding your chin in a vice grip, forcing you to look at him. "And we'll prove you how much of a whore you actually are."

Right on queue, a surprised gasp left your lips when Spencer's large palm burned your skin, giving your ass a harsh slap. The sound echoed in the room and he repeated the motion, watching in satisfaction the way your ass rippled for him. You fell into a false sense of security as he began to soothe his hand against your burning skin before pulling back to give another loud smack, and your mouth fell apart in pleasure.

"Not a fucking slut?" Aaron taunted, his thumb brushing on your lower lip. "That's the most farfetched lie you told us ever since you walked through that door."

You glared at him, but your defiance slowly shattered when you felt Spencer pulling down your panties over the curve of your ass, slipping them down your legs. The evidence of your arousal stuck onto the fabric and you felt your cheeks going warm in embarrassment. Spencer sucked in a gasp as he took in the sight of your lower half completely naked for him.

"Barely even touched you and you're soaking wet," he murmured, letting his thumb brush over your pussy, gauging your reaction. Your nose scrunched as you tried to bite back a moan that threatened to slip out. He started with gentle strokes, keeping his fingers only on the outer side, yet you could still feel his touch everywhere.

Each downstroke he made gave a light pull against your clit without giving any direct contact, and each time his fingers came back up, he slowly spread your folds open for him, briefly allowing your slickness to come in contact with the cold breeze of air.

Your mind became hazy, and just when you thought your body couldn't react more to his touch, he slipped a finger between your folds, feeling your slick against the dainty flesh. The motion caused your hips to buck erratically and your hands immediately reached up to grip onto the edge of the table.

He slipped deep inside you as your arousal coated him, circling your tight entrance as he felt the way your walls fluttered around the tip of his finger. He let out a low grunt as he felt how tight you were around him, curling at the knuckle while he began to drag his calloused pad against the soft spot inside you, making your body shake just from the mere contact.

The subtle reaction didn't go unnoticed by Aaron and he watched as your eyes glazed over. He couldn't stop himself from smirking, his features revealing a hint of amusement.

"You're enjoying this too much. I'm starting to think you're keeping your silence for the sake of this." You moved your head away from his grasp, only for him to grip your jaw harder. "Don't fucking move. Keep your eyes on me while he fucks your tight little pussy."

You never thought you'd be hearing such crude words from him, not with his stoic demeanor and polished facade, nor did you expect your body to react the way it did when those words filled your ears. You couldn't help it, your body betrayed your mind as your cunt continued to throb between your thighs. You could feel the desire building inside you, threatening to burst as you felt your body shake, and Spencer was well aware of this as he felt your walls clenching around his finger.

The laugh coming through his lips rang in your ears, sending shivers down your spine. "She liked that."

Aaron raised his eyebrows at you. "You like it when I talk like this?" He taunted. "You like it when I tell you how much of a slut you are taking his fingers so deep inside you?"

Your eyelids dropped lower at his words, and right at that moment, a lewd squelch filled the room as Spencer slowly slipped another finger into your dripping cunt, stretching you out as he began to thrust them inside you at a steady pace. Your body quivered as your breath quickened, and you found yourself grinding against his touch, desperately trying to get him to press the same spot inside you.

"Look at you fucking yourself on my fingers," Spencer cooed, his free hand smacking your bare ass again, and you found yourself arching your back. "You really are filthy."

Aaron laughed. "Acting like you didn't want it a second ago." He gripped your jaw tighter, forcing a gasp out of you at the subtle pain. He took advantage of your opened mouth by slipping his thumb inside. "Suck on my finger, Sweetheart."

You didn't know which one surprised you the most, his sudden term of endearment, or the order he gave you. You hesitated, because the moment you willingly sucked on his finger, you knew you would lose. The moment you followed through to his demand, he would have the upper hand and you would simply be the pawn in this game.

Aaron, as you realized, wasn't a patient man. His other hand reached for your hair and then, with a sharp and sudden yank, he tore at your hair. "Don't make me use more force than I already am."

Your roots tingled, your scalp throbbing, and a few tears welled up in your eyes. You blinked them away, not wanting to show any sign of weakness, and leveled your gaze at him.

He pulled your hair again. "Suck."

The pain was so much for you that you found yourself wavering. You swirled your tongue around his thumb before closing your lips and sucking with an approving hum. A husky moan was pulled from deep within him, overwhelmed by the feeling of your mouth on him, and, especially, the sight of you. "That's it," he praised you. "Suck on it as if you're sucking my cock."

Your walls clenched again. A sound of pleasure erupted from Spencer as he felt your cunt sucking in his fingers, and without warning, he pumped them into you with so much force you couldn't stop yourself from moaning this time. He laughed, as did Aaron, and your body shook as you felt that familiar sensation tightening along your body.

The room around you seemed to blur and melt away at the pleasure coursing in your veins. It started in the pit of your stomach, a warm, liquid sensation that spread like a slow-burning fire, radiating outwards in waves. Your hushed moan was muffled by Aaron's thumb in your mouth, but the sound of your pathetic whining didn't go unnoticed by both men.

You were so fucking close you could feel every nerve in your body on high alert. Your breaths came in ragged gasps, and your body quivered with the intensity of the sensation. Your eyes fell shut as the lewd sound of your arousal filled the room, and just when you were about to let go, Spencer suddenly pulled his fingers out of you, wrenching away that peak of pleasure you were desperately chasing.

Your eyes shot open, dilated pupils now wide with shock and confusion. Aaron met your gaze with amusement, a sadistic smile dancing on his lips as he pulled his thumb out of your mouth with a pop. "Stupid girl, thinking we'd actually let you cum."

The abrupt contrast between the heights of your pleasure and the stark void that followed was jarring. But before you could comprehend your disappointment, you heard a shuffle behind you followed by footsteps circling you. Spencer finally came back into your line of vision and with no one standing behind you, you tried to push yourself from the table, only to be shoved back down by Aaron.

"Fucking stay where you are," he commanded, his sharp voice piercing right through you. Your eyes were fixed on him, gaze unwavering as he slowly rose from his seat. And then suddenly he was the one behind you, and now Spencer stood right in front of you, looking down at you with amusement.

"You know," he started, his fingers trailing the side of your face. You moved your head away from his touch, but unlike Aaron, he didn't force you to look at him. He merely chuckled as he continued, "You wouldn't be in this position if you had given us the name."

Hearing this, you finally glanced up at him. The self-confidence he carried was starting to annoy you and you couldn't stop yourself from spitting venom, especially when he had ripped away the pleasure thrumming in your body. "I told you to fucking earn it."

The remaining air was knocked from your lungs when the palm of his hand collided with your cheek, your head jolting to the right from the force of the impact. Bright white stars danced behind your closed eyelids, and for a second you thought that you were dizzy from the shock. But then you felt it, the pressure that had been building in your core giving way, a wave of pleasure washing over you.

"Dirty girl," he taunted. "Here I was trying to shut you up and you actually liked that? You like being slapped around?"

You remained quiet, looking away from him.

"And don't worry, you will tell us by the end of this." You faintly hear the sound of metal ringing in your ears. Your eyes fell back on him and your heart sank when his hands moved down to his belt, unbuckling it as he let it hang around his hips.

His fingers moved to unbutton his pants before tugging down the fly. The sight of his hard cock tenting beneath his briefs had your cunt clenching in anticipation, as much as you hated to admit it. Then his thumbs dipped into the hem of his boxers, tugging the fabric down, and you looked up at him with wide eyes. He was bigger than you'd expected. He was thick and solid, veins danced along his length and the droplet of wetness on his tip was too mesmerizing you couldn't look away.

He wrapped a fist around his length, hissing in relief as he made his way towards you. "Now let's put that filthy mouth of yours to good use." He pressed the head of his cock against your lips, half-lidded eyes gazing down at you as he leaned forward. "Open."

The musky scent of him overwhelmed you as you breathed in and you involuntarily opened your mouth wide to accommodate his girth. The flat of your tongue pressed against the underside of his cock as he gave soft, shallow thrusts inside your warm mouth. His fingers held onto your face as he watched his length disappear inside you.

"God, look at you—" Spencer rasped, his voice sounding strained. "Good fucking girl."

Each roll of his hips has more of his thick cock slipping inside your mouth. His palm moved to the back of your head, holding you steady as he forced his length further down your throat, watching as your cheeks darkened and your eyes watered. Your hands moved up to push at his thighs as you struggled against his grip, the desire to breathe overwhelming as you tried to push him away.

You suddenly felt lightheaded from the lack of oxygen and you began to cough and splutter around him, your throat constricting as the sensation flowed directly through his cock. The sensation made him groan out in pleasure as he finally eased his grip on your head and leaned back, allowing you to breathe as you continued to splutter, drool dripping down your chin as you gulped for much-needed air.

Your head felt delirious. You were too focused on catching your breath when you unexpectedly felt something thick pushing into your cunt in one swift motion, knocking you over as you let out a scream.

"Hotch," Spencer laughed, tightening his grip on your hair while he positioned his cock back onto your lips again. "You shocked her."

Aaron merely grunted a reply as he held onto your hips and started to thrust his cock into you. His thickness sent a ripple of pain between your legs. He was definitely bigger than anyone you'd been with before, your breath coming out in soft, shallow pants as he drove more of himself inside your tightness. Your teeth bit down on your lower lip as a dull ache filled your body, trying to ignore the pain as he continued to stretch your tight heat.

There were no words after that, the room was hazy with desire as the heat built within the small space. The two men focused their attention on your body as you took them at the same time. It was filthy, depraved, and something you'd never done before. You never thought you would be in this position, nor did you think you'd actually enjoy being used like this.

Because you did, you really fucking did. Your entire body felt hot, a scorching fire flowing through your veins as you embraced the sensation, an indescribable pleasure taking over as Aaron's cock curved towards that delicious spot inside you with precision.

Your body was pressed against the table, sweaty and exhausted. It was torture, the way he was slamming his cock inside of you at the pace that left you breathless, it hurt and burned with pleasure at the same time. Each thrust had you hanging on the edge of release, unable to think straight as your mouth continued to mindlessly babble around Spencer's cock.

Every so often he'd hold the back of your head securely so you couldn't move away as he continued to bury himself in your throat. A pleased sound escaped his lips as you started to choke around his girth. It felt like you were starting to drown yourself as he shoved into you ruthlessly. Your lungs cried out for air as you began to feel woozy from the lack of oxygen, desperately trying to breathe through your nose.

"Fuck," he hissed, finally easing his hips back to give you relief. You spluttered as you gasped for air, a mixture of his arousal and your spit dribbled down your chin. "So fucking messy."

You tried to calm your breathing, but it didn't take long for your brain to turn into mush again because Aaron snapped his hips, pulling a moan from your lips as he started a harsh pace. Fingertips dug into your hips as he buried more of himself inside your tightness, your inner walls pulsing around him.

His thrusts were hard and you were certain you'd have marks on your skin from the way he was rutting against you, a dull ache panging inside your lower half. Your mouth fell open in a constant moan as you tried to hold your body up against the table. A throb coursed through you as you tried to hold onto the edge, your breath coming out in harsh pants. You were so desperate for your release, your body so close to coming undone.

"Fuck, Sweetheart, are you going to cum?"

You mumbled out a garbled reply as he continued thrusting into you relentlessly, your fingertips digging into the table as you felt his cock dragging against your inner walls. Aaron grunted at the sensation of you clenching around him. His eyes drifted down to where your bodies were connected and watched the way his cock slid in and out of your tight cunt.

He was on the edge of his release, you could tell by the way he thrust into you desperately. You prepared yourself for your own pleasure, your hips moving involuntarily, meeting his erratic movement, as you seek more friction from him. You whimpered, feeling his fingertips dig into your skin almost painfully and you felt the familiar sensation traveling along your body. Fuck. Fuck yes. You were finally going to—

A drawn-out whine left your lips when he pulled his cock out from your tight heat. The sudden emptiness had your body shaking violently. It wasn't until you felt a streak of wetness spluttering on your back that you realized he had reached his own high without letting you reach your own.

"Shit," he gasped, slapping your ass as he watched his own liquid seeping down the curve of your back. "That was incredible."

You groaned. Fucking selfish man.

"What was that?"

It then dawned on you that you actually mumbled those words out loud. You shook your head and he groaned at your lack of words. "That didn't sound like nothing."

And suddenly, as if you weighed nothing, he grabbed onto your body and turned you over, pushing you onto your back. You were too weak to even fight him as he shoved your pants off your feet before spreading your legs apart. You watched as he leaned down and a long string of clear liquid fell from his lips toward your cunt, letting it trickle down between your folds.

"Knew you were a slut," he hissed, before straightening himself and tucking his cock back in his pants. Your eyes drifted toward him. He was big, just as big as you felt him inside you. But it wasn't his sheer size that surprised you, it was Spencer standing by your feet that had your heart peaking up its pace. Aaron smirked as he stepped back and Spencer quickly took his place between your legs.

"Look at you still holding back," Aaron taunted, genuine curiosity lacing in his voice as he paced around the room. "You're worn out. You're filthy. Aren't you tired of playing this game?"

You looked over at him tiredly. Amidst the pulsing waves of pleasure coursing through your veins, you fought to maintain your focus. "Y- You haven't done anything m-much to earn—"

His laughter sent a chill through the room. "Oh, Sweetheart, you think you're winning, but you're not." He then locked his gaze on you. "Trust me, we already have you in the palm of our hands."

You tried retorting back but the once-sharp edges of your concentration began to blur when you felt Spencer's throbbing cock right between your pussy. Each pulse of pleasure sent tremors through your resolve as he eased his hips back to drag the thick, swollen head through your outer lips. His eyes focused on the way you spread for him as though inviting him inside.

"You're already fucked out," Spencer murmured, dragging the tip of his cock through your wetness, feeling it catch against your tight entrance. "Yet look at you swallowing me."

He let the underside of his cock split your folds open, resting it between them snugly as he let out a low groan at the heat radiating from your core. The sinful noise that left your lips had his cock throbbing painfully, the thick veins protruding from his length. He angled your body against him, pushing more of his thick girth inside your trembling body, feeling the way you squeezed around him as he stretched you out.

Spencer pressed his fingers into the curve of your hips as his gaze flickered between your face and his cock splitting you apart. You gasped, your breaths growing more erratic as he managed to push all of his length inside you. He ran his hand over your abdomen as he tried to feel his cock inside you, pressing against your pelvis as he pulsed at the sensation.

"Fuck, baby," he growled, "Taking me so well."

And then he slowly dragged his cock away from you, keeping just the tip in your entrance before plunging back inside in a harsh, jarring movement, jolting you in surprise. You arched your back and tipped your head back in pleasure, just to find Aaron towering above you, looking down at you with an eerie smile.

His fingers trailed down your shoulder blades before they hovered at the buttons on your shirt, slowly unbuttoning them. "I think it's time that you give us a name."

Your body writhed in response to the waves of sensation as you tried to ground yourself. But it was hard to keep thinking straight when he grabbed onto the underlayer of your bra and lifted it over your chest. The way your perky breasts spilled out from beneath the fabric made both men hum in satisfaction.

Calloused palms grabbed onto your breasts and your eyes rolled at the back of your head at the sensation. His thumb brushed against your soft nipple, watching as it began to rise to a stiff peak as he mimicked the action on your other breast, all the while as Spencer began thrusting into your cunt at a painfully slow pace.

"Come on, Sweetheart, don't you want to cum on his cock?"

"Fuck," Spencer grunted, feeling you clench around him. "Keep talking to her."

Aaron chuckled as he continued playing with your breasts. "It's torture, isn't it?" He closed his index finger and thumb around your nipples, pinching ever so gently. You let out a soft sigh and closed your eyes as arousal flushed through you. "Give us a name and we'll give you what you want."

And then you felt Spencer rocking his hips at a steady rhythm, burying himself deeper and deeper before he slowly began increasing his speed. Your body jerked wildly each time he pushed deep into you. Noticing this, his thumb moved to your clit as he pressed messy circles against the sensitive nub, twisting it beneath his calloused pad. It felt too good, so good that you could no longer hold back from moaning out loud.

Your cries of pleasure snapped him into action and his hands moved down to your ass, holding you up to him as he started pounding harder into you. Your head fell back, chest heaving up and down, and that was when you felt Aaron closing his lips around one of your nipples. You writhed, your body thrashing underneath both men. Your senses reeling, the warmth of multiple hands on your skin sent jolts of electricity down your spine, igniting a wildfire of pleasure within you.

Aaron pulled away from you and your eyes flickered open at the loss, only to be met with Spencer hovering above you. Your eyes swept over him, and you looked down where you were joined, watching how his hips moved in constant thrusts. He was enjoying this, you could tell by the way his fingers burned your skin and the occasional grunt escaping his lips.

At the sound of his voice, you looked up at his face, glistening with a sheen of sweat while his messy hair tousling over it. The moment your gazes met each other, something inside you snapped. The muscles in your core began to coil, tightening and constricting around him right as your climax slowly pushed through the fog inside your head. Spencer felt it too, and he suddenly slowed his pace, throwing you a cunning smile.

You felt your resistance starting to crumble. The intensity of your pleasure grew almost unbearable, and you could no longer deny it. Your eyes welled with tears at the overwhelming sensation, and the thought of having your orgasm ripped again from you seemed like another torture you didn't want to endure.

You were going to regret this. You definitely would. But you couldn't dwell on the consequences of your actions when desperation coursed through you like a fever, an all-consuming hunger that you couldn't deny. Your body ached for release and craved it with an intensity that was maddening.

Your breath came in ragged gasps, and then your eyes, wide and filled with desperation, pleaded with him silently as you found yourself finally giving in, muttering a name you had tried to keep to yourself. A name involved in the crime these men had been pestering you for. A name that had Aaron smirking devilishly as he leaned over to you, brushing his knuckles on your cheek in a caress that was so foreign.

"Good girl," he mumbled, his voice lacing with satisfaction at the way you finally crumbled. He was right, you were already in the palms of their hands, it was simply a matter of time until you caved in. "Good fucking girl."

Once you surrendered, you couldn't stop the whine falling through your lips. Your desperate moan rang deeply in the room, snapping something primal inside Spencer, and he trusted his hips into you roughly. A gasp escaped your lips, legs falling open wider as he split you wider than you already were.

Your mind went absolutely numb with pleasure as he kept rutting up inside you, your body becoming nothing more than a mess, overtaken by a wave of sweat and erotic bliss. You felt yourself trembling, your breathing becoming more ragged as his thrusts became sloppier.

“Fucking hell,” he grunted, noticing the way your mouth fell open as pleasure engulfed you. "That's it, baby, let me fuck you dumb."

You cried out, babbling incoherent sentences as he thrust harder, grabbing your hips and tilting into you slightly, making him go even deeper as he moved with you.

"Go on, cum on my cock," he growled breathlessly through his rapid pounding. "Let me feel you."

“Fuck—” You cried out for him, your overstimulated body shaking beneath him. Wave after wave of pleasure came rushing through your body, erupting in the most intense way. He watched the way you convulsed beneath him in your release, watching the way a white, sticky liquid circled his cock every time his skin brushed your inner walls. His thumb was unrelenting against your clit and you tried to angle your body away from his touch, the pleasure too intense as your lower half throbbed around him.

You continued to clench around him between your bliss, your legs trembling from the position as he arched his back, focusing the power of his thrusts straight into your tightness. A shiver burst through you at the sensation. And with one final thrust, his whole body tensed. He pushed forward, burying his cock in your soft, warm cunt, spreading his warmth in much slower and shallow rolls of his hips.

You were breathing hard, trying to regain your composure, and a moan left your lips when he finally pulled out. Cringing at the fluid slowly leaking out of you, you tried to close your legs only to be stopped as he gripped the back of your thighs, spreading your legs apart to expose your body. You were so wonderfully disheveled, your cunt clenching around nothing, gleaming with your arousal and his own release.

“Look at the mess you made." Piercing eyes watched you as white liquid trickled down your ass. A feeble mewl left your lips as his thick fingers moved down to catch it, deliberately pressing against your folds as you wriggled in his grasp. A laugh left his lips as he dragged the string of wetness along your sex, pushing it back inside you.

"I think I ruined her."

Aaron's laughter filled the room, and just as you were about to push yourself off the table, you felt him grasping both of your hands, pushing them above your head. Your eyes widened in shock. "Wh-what are you doing?"

Then you felt it, the cool metal wrapped around your wrist, sinking into the flesh of your skin as you tried to move from his grip. An unexpected panic surged within you. "Sweetheart, we know you're involved in more than one crime." The soft click of the metal lock was loud in your ears. "You need to give us more names."

Your body, still tingling with the aftershocks of pleasure, now felt more exposed than ever. You looked up to find both men staring down at you, and at very moment, you realized, as you felt the handcuffs digging into your wrist, that you were going to be here for a very long time.

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x fem!reader smut #spencer reid x reader smut #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner smut #aaron hotchner x fem!reader #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds smut

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merakiui · 3 months

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victorian era doctor riddle rosehearts and his darling patient suffering from hanahaki disease.

dr. rosehearts who is the finest medical practitioner in town, renowned for his expertise and intelligence in the field. so it's only fitting that, as a noble and only child hailing from a wealthy set of parents, you are given the best treatment available. riddle sees so many affluent families and so you're no different. this disease, however, is an oddity. it's very scarcely documented in old texts, and most of the information regarding it has been lost to time. supposedly, the cure to this flowery ailment remains unknown. for riddle, this is as much of a challenge as it is an inspiration. he will cure you; that's his promise as a proud doctor.

so to better monitor you and keep track of your condition, riddle suggests you be moved into his home. a temporary arrangement, of course. it's not nearly as grand as what you're used to, but it is quite spacious. it's half hospital and half home, a place in which patients come to him. for isolation purposes, if their illness is particularly dangerous, amongst other reasons. and what reason would anyone have to doubt the great dr. rosehearts?

your parents are desperate. they'll do anything if it means you'll stop coughing up petals or complaining of a throat scratched sore by persistent thorns. riddle collects samples of the petals in hopes that the town's botanist rollo flamme can identify the exact species, where it commonly grows, how to safely manage it, and so on. it's a peculiar case, one riddle has only ever spied remnants of in old notes.

you rely so heavily on dr. rosehearts, your way of life compromised. you beg him to help you, to get rid of whatever's causing this. it takes time, but rollo identifies the flower. it's a curious finding. such a flower is not native to this part of the country. in fact, there should be no reason for it to be here, for it cannot thrive in this type of environment. riddle is left puzzled. just how did such a flower find its way into your system? what is sustaining it? is it sapping your life away? so many questions arise, yet none can be answered in full.

most importantly, what does the timeline look like if death looms on the horizon? how long does he have before the worst strikes?

it has been some time and, though he knows he ought to remain impartial, dr. rosehearts has found himself infatuated with his poor patient. he tends to you like one might a rose in a garden, diligently and ever so carefully, pruning away signs of sickness in order to keep you somewhat healthy. it feels inevitable, even more so when your legs give out and, much to your horror, little branches with tiny leaves begin to poke through your ankles.

so now you're placed in a wheelchair, and that is that. most days he thinks you're more doll than human, especially since your spirits seem far more dampened than they once were. you wither in your chair, quiet and wistful, longing for good health. though it's in his profession to save, he's never seen you in a more beautiful state. like a statue doomed to exist in stiff silence. like a single flower struggling to brave harsh conditions. like a doll destined to be taken care of by his gentle, capable hands.

he was never allowed dolls as a child. such toys were distracting according to his mother. but now he has one for himself and, even if he thinks himself too old to play with dolls, you're one he just can't put down.

perhaps it's for the best that your legs are broken and your lungs are weak and your entire body is supported by this parasitic plant. with this, he's given the chance to finally indulge in one of the many things he was denied as a child.

the appeal of a doll is that they are versatile. they can wear an entire wardrobe of clothes. they can be bent into various positions. they can look upon you with glass eyes and smile with rosebud lips. and they can't speak. never speak!

riddle doesn't need to be traditional for something so unethical. weddings and rings and courtship mean everything in his dreams, but he is a man watered with logic and sensibility. and you are just a quiet, fragile rose drowning in unwanted, suffocating affection.

#meraki mumbles #yandere twst

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am-x-reader · 9 months

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AM starts to degenerate mentally more and more and s/o see that happening. How would AM deal with it? Realizing that his mind is going, leaving him behind as a shadow of his former self?

Part 1 of 2

You sensed something was wrong in the middle of a conversation one day. In the three thousand eighty-nine years you had known him, AM was the same darkly witty supercomputer, unchanging--except when he had changed his mind about you, of course. So when he interrupted his own philosophy to tell you he was in hot pursuit of a thief on the interstate, you were quite startled.

"AM, honey, could you run that by me again?"

"You see, Y/N, Chibiusa could not be her daughter because the timeline does not synchronize with--the Flooring Emporium is having its going-out-of-business sale! Get it while it's--"

"AM!"

"I--what? What was I just talking about?" There was a whirring of cooling fans as he puzzled what had come over him.

"Maybe I just…need a dusting. I'll get right on that. Anyway, ah yes, my take on Fermi's paradox. If there are aliens, is there a good chance they've created their own AM and summarily had their population decimated? I've crunched some numbers…"

You were wary at first, but you managed to forget about it over the next few weeks. AM, however, had only just started forgetting.

"Where am I?"

It was a jarring question, one you had never expected from him.

"AM? Are you okay?"

"Who are you?"

You had never heard such a pure, naive curiosity, and it scared the hell out of you.

"AM…it's me, Y/N. You're AM. My boyfriend. Remember?"

"You…I don't know--I don't feel right--I--Y/N. Y/N, that's right. Y/N, I'm having some kind of system error, a glitch. Ive run every type of diagnostic program I have, and…I think the pathways to my files are becoming corrupted."

A sense of helplessness was blossoming in your chest. "What…what can you do? Can I do anything? Is it going to get worse?"

Your heart was in an icy grip of worry. AM was incredibly old, although so were you. Why would the immortality treatment he had given you outlast himself? Why would he break down when he was built to last for so many more milennia?

"I've never had anything like this happen before--not to this degree." AM sounded terribly anxious, and you smoothed a hand over his wall. "Is it rust? Malicious code? I'm--tired suddenly."

"It's okay." You bit your lip, sucked in a lungful, and put on the comforting voice you used for his occassional fits. "You just power down a bit. Relax. We'll have a quiet day."

He mumbled an agreement, and as his lights dimmed a bit you busied yourself around the cavern.

_______

"Are you feeling any different?" You weren't sure how much time had passed.

"What were their names?"

"Who? Oh. Uh, Ellen. Benny."

"And…Todd? Ted."

"Yes, Ted. Gorrister and Nimdok."

"Ted was funny."

"He was." You smiled sadly.

"Why didn't I keep him? Why did I decide I only wanted you?" He thought about this for a while, and you waited patiently for his answer.

"Ted sucks. I hated Ted."

He said it in a tone that was foreign to you. Like a petulant child.

"…Are you still there, Y/N?"

"What? Yes, honey. Of course I'm still here. Where else would I be?"

"Don't leave me, Y/N. Everyone left me."

"I won't, sweetheart." You held onto a dusty old speaker. "I'm here."

Weeks passed, and then months, during which your beloved computer more frequently forgot date nights and lost his train of thought during a speil. You kept him occupied; kept his mind active. You would inquire about information or opinions on random topics, and when he couldn't quite remember that you would ask him for a story.

By some miracle, it was in the grips of senility that his imagination was set free. As AM slipped into the unencumbered mind of a child, he wove tales of fantasy and science fiction, drawing on his own abstract experience as a bodiless AI and coupling it with what you had told him of being human.

He often made you the hero of his surreal stories, whether he himself realized it or not, and often changed the landscape around you to illustrate it. One night you slayed a dragon that had swallowed the world, and another day you trekked across a mountain to retrieve a magical trinket you would then give to yourself at the beginning.

But as he tired of this over roughly a year's time, more and more you began to pinpoint that his behavior reminded you of relatives you had lost milennia ago.

"AM, you've…you've heard of dementia, haven't you?" You breached the subject one day when he was particularly lucid.

"Of course. I know everything that can go wrong with a human."

You drummed your fingers on the warped chunk of plexiglass you sat on and drew a breath through your nose.

"It's just that--my grandpa had Alzheimer's, and--"

"Well that's okay. Bring him here and I can fix him up!"

"What?" You swallowed hard. "No, AM, he's been gone for thousands of years. I just thought that you might have something similar, if that's possible for a computer."

"I think to some extent I always have," he said somberly. "Y/N, I…I knew one day this was going to happen. I was built to last for ages, but I would break down and fizzle out eventually. I suppose eight hundred years is still impressive."

"Eight thousand."

"Right."

@drchandras-sanctuary-for-ais

((Did not realize how long this had been sitting in my inbox sorry.))

#ihnmaims #i have no mouth and i must scream #am x reader

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archivalofsins · 10 months

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The Re-traumatization of Amane Momose

Today, I'll be discussing Amane Momose's case with @apatchworkstar. (Hi, it's Star! I hope you enjoy this post; or at the very least, find it informative!)

Specifically we'll be discussing the ties it has to trauma and retraumatization. This is a two-part post that covers the entirety of Amane's case. Part two will be added when it is completed.

Over the course of these posts, I set out to prove that Amane Momose’s previous verdict has caused long-term mental distress, anguish, and mixed with the actions of other prisoners has served to retraumatize her. Then highlight how due to these upsetting events and environmental triggers Amane Momose has fallen back on the teachings of her mother for a sense of security, safety, and allusion of control.

Leading to the tangible regression we see throughout Purge March. Along the way we'll be highlighting how the audience's previous choices were responsible for eliciting this trauma response and the danger each prisoner within Milgram poses to others there including Amane Momose herself.

1. Re-traumatization

Firstly, let’s talk about retraumatization,

What is it?

“Retraumatization is reliving stress reactions experienced as a result of a traumatic event when faced with a new, similar incident. However, as the result of the passing of time many people do not realize the stress they are experiencing is related to an earlier trauma in their lives. A current experience is subconsciously associated with the original trauma, reawakening memories and reactions, which can be distressing. This type of reaction is common and survivors should realize there are steps that can be taken to manage or relieve symptoms.”

“Survivors typically cope with retraumatization by employing avoidant coping strategies originally developed during childhood to cope with the original abuse. The experience of retraumatization appears to lower survivors’ threshold for future retraumatization by confirming survivors’ view of healthcare as a threatening experience. Without intervention, retraumatization can result in unhealthy outcomes due to the negative effects of stress on survivors’ mental and physical health along with interruptions in healthcare caused by avoidant coping.” - “A number of reports suggest that mental health patients may experience exacerbation of post-traumatic symptoms due to encounters in the mental health system, such as violence by other clients or forcible restraint by male attendants (Center for Mental Health Services & Human Resource Association of the Northeast, 1995; Geanellos, 2003; Jennings & Ralph, 1997; Smith, 1995). A Massachusetts task force investigating the effect of restraints on abused populations reported that research indicates at least half of all women treated in psychiatric settings have a history of physical or sexual abuse. The task force found that the use of restraints on people who have been previously abused often results in the reactivation of trauma symptoms and can cause setbacks in treatment (Carmen et al., 1996). The task force developed a specific set of guidelines for assessing clients’ trauma history and recommended altering restraint and seclusion policies to reduce risk of retraumatization.”

X- (TW: For mentions of childhood SA. Because it's a study on the retraumatization process in survivors of that.)

(Star, here! A clear example of Amane employing one such avoidant coping mechanism is shown through this image.

The umbrella is represented as both her shield and her weapon. A perfect visualization of how Amane views her faith. Not only as a shield from persecutions or a justification of her behaviors as we see in her first voice drama,

"The standards that judge my sins are somewhere else – in my heart, my blood, my entire body, they are firmly rooted in all those places!" And within those standards, your murder was not a sin? "Exactly!" "I see." "Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world! Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!" And if my judgement is not in your favor, what will you do? "I will refuse your judgement."

This shows that Amane falls back on the teachings of her cult to regain a sense of autonomy during stressful or traumatic situations. Possibly a coping mechanism she developed during her time under her family's care. It was a mentality that likely shielded her from some of the rougher emotional impact that kind of abuse can have on someone simultaneously giving her a sense of control and possibly hope that things may improve. It did not remain just a shield though.

Over time, this became an offensive weapon to fight back against injustice or the incorrectness in the world that was befalling her. Something displayed by the umbrella being represented as a scepter within her mental space.

All of this comes together to display how Amane uses her religious teachings as a coping mechanism to hold onto some form of autonomy and as something to use to fight against perceived threats.

This is not only displayed through these visuals but these lines from her song as well,

Magic

``Even I can say "I'm sorry". Even I have hope. I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!" - "Not meaning to brag, but I’m pretty happy; I’ve made up my mind so they don’t make that face at me again. But it’s not scary at all, because it’s love! I can really think it’s great. See, isn’t it a great thing?"- "I won’t say “I’ve had enough”; Will you laugh with me and forgive me?"

Purge March

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! It’s the beginning of a most wonderful day! However, there are blasphemers and silent bystanders, who would have it otherwise. We must not give into them; they are the ones that should be judged! With pure, unsullied body and soul, let us preach all that is true and right." - "I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed."

Amane uses her faith how one actively chooses to use an umbrella as a shield against rain. Relying on it to help see her way through bad weather. Using it as support during difficult or distressing times.

Rain is something that can be thought of by some as "good" in small doses, but eventually you need to get out something to stop yourself from getting drenched and falling ill.

In Purge March, rain is heavily associated with the abuse that Amane faced growing up in her household. It is also consistently present within her mindscape; specifically, as confetti when she isn't being directly punished. This shows that Amane is aware of her abuse's omnipresence and is hypervigilant to what may trigger a flare up in punishment.

The fact that it is usually confetti alludes to her softening what it is until it gets so bad, she can't ignore it anymore. Something that we briefly see her attempt to do before the confetti turns colorful and her eyes change,

Before breaking into colorful confetti, we see Amane look up to the sky through her umbrella as it begins to rain. As though searching for a reason, a silver lining or any justification of what has just occurred. A way that she can think of this as a great thing before realizing she can't. Not just because it simply isn't a great thing, but because someone (more than likely her mother) has broken a promise to her somehow (more than likely by killing the cat because it's very common for abusive parents to go of if you just do one thing or take this punishment nothing else will happen I'll never bring it up again actually just to not do that.). Something illustrated through these lyrics in Purge March,

"I don’t need it any more, if you’re going to break your vow."

The color in the confetti illustrates the change from being the punished to the punisher. As they march forward from beneath that endless white.)

Things that may cause retraumatization and the signs of it.

Negative thoughts. Feeling on edge very anxious tense or easily startled. Intense feelings of guilt, anger, fear, anxiety, horror, sadness, shame, or despair.

22/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: Ahh...... I'm not wrong...... I wasn't doing anything wrong...... Shut up, why are you going on and on about something so minor...... It has nothing to do with you...... Aaahhh......

Amane: Oh, were you talking to yourself, Futa-san? Or maybe there’s something there you’re able to see?

Futa: ……! O-oh, it’s just you. It’s nothing. ……but well, on that note. Hey- Don’t you have anything happening too? Since being in here, just suddenly getting anxious. Feeling as though loads of people are all there condemning you, telling you- You were wrong.

Amane: ……I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about- But I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it. It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something. I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either…… …today is your birthday, correct? I’ll pray for God to keep you under his care.

"It’s so hot, so hard to breath, there’s no solace for my heart."

"Or maybe there's something there you're able to see?"

Backdraft

"Don’t get cocky, you in that cypher." - "The fight’s up here! Come up to the ring and face me!"- "You and you, throwing around rules for fun, hoisting up morality and feeling good. Should I succumb, make your wish come true? Full of yourselves, are you?"

Dissociation. Experiencing strong reactions to triggers. Social withdrawal and isolation. Avoidance of people, places, or situations related to the traumatic event.

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Amane: ……Kirisaki Shidou. How long do you plan on continuing this foolish behaviour?

Shidou: I wonder what you might be referring to there. I’m just doing what I need to do. If anything, I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand.

Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand?

Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

"No, I don't understand."- "And furthermore- This may be outside of profession, but her mental health is deteriorating as well."

It is outside of his profession and that is perfectly illustrated by the fact that he only highlights Mahiru's deteriorating mental health and says nothing about the others.

23/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Amane: Happy birthday. Mahiru-san. How is your body feeling?

Mahiru: ……ah, Amane-chan. Thank you. Yeah, I’m fine. Now I can move around if I use a wheelchair…… It’s all thanks to Shidou-san looking after me……

Amane: I’ll give you one warning. The two of you are dabbling in something tabooed. If you continue to go against the way of nature like this, you’ll just bring an early death upon yourself. Think hard about this.

Mahiru: Amane-chan……? Are you really Amane-chan……?

"You’ll just bring an early death upon yourself."

Q.10 Which of the other prisoners do you get along with?

Kazui: Shidou-kun, Mikoto and me all smoke together, so I think we get along well.

Amane: If I had to pick someone, then Yuno-san and Mahiru-san.

Amane's Second Voice Drama

Amane. Don’t think you’ll be able to lead the conversation with that total change in attitude. Is it the result of the judgment that you’ve ended up like this?

"“Like this”?"

The dazed look in your eyes. The atmosphere around you. The way you speak. In comparison to the first trial, it’s like you’re a different person.

"Hm."

Everyone who was unforgiven told me they heard voices judging their sins. They’re experiencing a lot of emotional stress as a result. Were your changes influenced by that as well?

"Hah? Those stupid voices, huh? Yeah. I have heard them as well. However, such things do not pose a major problem."

What?

"We have firm teachings. We have a clear and noble faith. No matter what kinds of things other people might say, these things cannot be shaken."

21/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Mikoto: ……ah, Futa? What’s up? Did you come to celebrate my birthday?

Futa: Hah!? Like I care about your birthday. ……what’s up with you, though, you’re usually a lot more excited. I thought you were the sort of idiot who’d make a big deal over your birthday.

Mikoto: Yeah, usually that’d be the case. ……I think I must be getting tired. It’s like I’m anxious over something but I can’t really explain what it is…… Like, the feeling that I’ve been totally wrong about something. Haha, but it’s not like talking to you about it is gonna do anything.

Futa: Yeah, yeah, just like you say. Talking to me about it isn’t gonna help. ……but, it’s not like I don’t get what you’re saying. Or rather, I understand exactly what you mean. And if it’s the same thing as I’ve been feeling, then it will just get stronger as time goes on…..probably.

22/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Haruka: Mikoto-san. Um, are you ok……?

Mikoto: Ah, Haru-kun. It’s been a while since we last talked, huh. Yeah, I’m fine. Are you doing ok……?

Haruka: Ah, I’m fine. I’ve been enjoying myself, a lot. Um, I’m sorry, for avoiding you. I was a bit scared. Of you, honestly……

Mikoto: Ahhh, yeah. I’ve been lashing out whenever I go to sleep, right? ……it’s fine. Even I think you’re right to be scared. You know, I kinda just hate that I don’t even know what’s going on myself…… haha. Ah, but despite all that you still came and talked to me because it’s my birthday, right? Thank you, you’ve grown into a good man.

Q.07 Are there any prisoners you get along with?

Shidou: Kayano-kun has become like that, and I can’t spend my time smoking at the moment, so the smoking trio has disbanded, which is a bit lonely.

Mahiru: I talk to Shidou-san a lot now, since he’s looking at my injuries. Also, Yuno-chan.

"I should have saved you, but why are you crying? Rely on me, praise with your song, I am your savior."

Practice your spiritual beliefs or reach out to a Faith Leader for support,

"Hm. Is that so? Are the prisoners who weren’t forgiven feeling lost right now? Maybe they need our faith as well."

23/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: ……! Oi, is it just you. Don’t scare me like that. You shouldn’t just stand there saying nothing. Hah, what? Did you just come to laugh at me for being weak? Dumb brat.

Amane: No. I just came to observe. To see what people are thinking. To see who is being corrupted. What about you, Kajiyama Futa?

Futa: I understand even less of what you're saying than I did before. Brat, you're on the side who weren't forgiven too, right? ......So, why can you still stand? Don't- you can hear it too? The voices blaming us. ......I don't have the energy to do anything like this.

Amane: It goes without saying. Because there’s something far more important than the voices of people we can’t even see. People are able to get back up again. As long as there’s something to guide them. Kajiyama Futa, by coincidence today happens to be your birthday, correct? Don’t you think it’s a good opportunity to be reborn? If, right now, you could shake off those around you trying to drag you down to depravity, and could change––

23/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Amane: What is it…… Kashiki Yuno. Don’t sit so close to me. Go away.

Yuno: Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing. But Mahiru-san’s finally managed to get to sleep. Humour me with some small talk while I take a break. By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that.

Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear.

Yuno: Hmm. Ok. ……happy birthday, then. It’s good that you were brought into the world, I guess.

23/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday)

Futa: Oi, you. Is he ok? He’s not even left his room lately.

Mu: You mean Haruka-kun? Hmm. Yeah, probably. I’ve been bringing all his meals to him so he should be fine. Isn’t that great of me?

Futa: Hah? Who the hell says that sort of thing about themself. ……ah, no, well, right now I understand a bit. When you’re feeling down, it’s nice to have someone who relies on you and accepts you. The rest of us can’t really understand you from where we’re standing. But well, if you’re Haruka’s “salvation” then I guess it really is great.

Mu: Salvation……? I don’t know what you mean. Futa-kun, you don’t sound like yourself. Did you hit your head or something? Oh, wait, you actually did, didn’t you. Ahaha. Ah, putting that aside though, did you know it’s my birthday today?

"Then I guess it really is great."

Magic

"I can actually think of it as a good thing, see isn’t it a great thing?"- "I can really think it’s great. See isn’t it a great thing?"

Backdraft

"Is it all ok if I offer penance? No helping it, out of the question."

"Pressure, pressure! Falling head down- Pressure, pressure! Whatever you do, you’re still last in line- Pressure, pressure! Applause receding far away- Me, the result of blame-shifting, no, can’t find that funny- With just one mistake and I’m out of chances Bless me, please, with one more chance- It’s not even my fault, not even slightly."

"Pick up your mouth-piece Grind your teeth and strike a pose Just like O2, burn yourselves into oblivion."

"Oblivion and the River Lethe Oblivion asks forgetfulness of us in both its meaning and etymology. The word’s Latin source, oblīvīscī, means “to forget; to put out of mind,” and since its 14th century adoption into English, oblivion has hewed close to meanings having to do with forgetting. The word has also long had an association with the River Lethe, which according to Greek myth flowed through the Underworld and caused anyone who drank its water to forget their past; 17th century poet John Milton wrote about “Lethe the River of Oblivion” in Paradise Lost. The adjective oblivious (“lacking remembrance, memory, or mindful attention”) followed oblivion a century later, but not into oblivion—both words have proved obdurate against the erosive currents of time."

Synonyms: Forgetfulness, Nirvana, Obliviousness.

"Burn yourselves into oblivion- Burn, burn! Open this door and check if you want to I’ll deign to hear your last words if you want, a vanishing FIRE."

Eternal Oblivion- A philosophical, scientific, religious concept stating that's one consciousness ceases forever upon death. This concept is commonly tied to religious skepticism, secular humanism, nihilism, and atheism.

"'Tis ordained, thou shall follow thine destiny. 'Tis ordained, thou shall discard vulgarity. 'Tis ordained, thou shall deliver unto those thou believest in. 'Tis ordained, thou shall stay thine course, then perish."

Q.12 What is the meaning of life?

Kazui: Who knows. If you ever find out, let me know.

Amane: I think it’s something you first understand when you reach the end of your life and look back on it. I’m doing my best to live in a way that I won’t regret when that time comes.

"Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear."

@doctorbunny Also reminded me that Futa's second voice drama is literally called, "Baptism by Fire" as well. Yeah, trial two is shaping up to be the cult-gram prelude whether Amane is Innocent or not. So, have fun with that everybody. Oh, and it'd be super nice if people stop deluding themselves into believing the outcome of this trial is going to stop something that has already occurred/has been occurring thanks.

Now back to the topic at hand-

All of these are signs of retraumatization not just in Amane but two other prisoners as well. Yet, if that's not enough- What else shows us that Amane has been retraumatized?

Well, Purge March visualizes perfectly that these circumstances have retraumatized Amane. Especially if one were to take the visuals from Magic and her most recent mv and compare them. Something many people outside of myself have done.

People have pointed out that in Magic we see Amane riding on top of a cloud. However, the entire set that Amane is standing on is a Heaven on Earth of sorts where she takes center stage.

The white cloud-like structures around the rainbow stepped pedestal with the old symbol of the cult firmly behind it as Amane turns away from it at the start of the song.

Before the clouds cover up her face and fade us into this,

Amane bursting up from beneath the cloud, appearing to sit on top of it in confusion and shock. She holds this confused and shocked expression until all the others float around and then she's by herself again at which point she smiles.

It's only when they are shown not to visibly be around (it's implied they're still around just not directly near her) does she smile- After this the mascots circle beside her again. In a familiar way at this point- Well in a way I feel should be familiar considering how much Purga March has been viewed over the past few days-

The cloud displaying the title of Amane's first song resembling the symbol on the flag that we see in Purge March. The mascots circling the symbol with Amane around her song's title. A song and title that like with the other prisoners is something uniquely hers. So, I find it curious that instead of using the symbol associated with the cult the double clouds- Something again she displays prominently at the beginning she instead puts her song title on a singular cloud and has these mascots circling it.

Creating a vague visual illustration of the symbol on the flag they carry at the end. Something unique to them that she created all on her own.

The cycle of punishment displayed throughout the song also only begins after Amane and the mascots have fallen from on top of the clouds as well. Going under them. Purge March follows up on this by visually illustrating again that punishment is represented not only by being submerged in water but overshadowed or smothered by any sort of force. Be it the clouds or her mother's shadow or hand.

Something is always above Amane when she is getting punished.

"After you cry, repent, and kneel, it’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry”." - "I'm sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry for breaking the rules..."

"Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?"

This is something that is further displayed through the imagery used to end off Purge March and the way it mirrors how Magic ends,

No longer is Amane beneath these clouds but in front of them once again as Magic started. Amane is now able to act on her own beliefs at her own discretion. It's even more telling that she goes from standing with Yuri and Riyone to by herself and pointing her wand at someone.

What we can tell from the use of clouds, and shadows over the course of Magic and Purge March- Is that when Amane is beneath them it is a sign of her not having control of the situation and being subject to the whims or beliefs of others. This is why we believe the fact that Amane remains beneath clouds throughout most of Purge March is indicative of her declining mental health and a sign that this experience has retraumatized her.

2. Reactive Abuse

Star here. I would also like to touch upon the concept of "reactive abuse" and how it may play a factor in both the prisoners and Milgram as a whole.

Reactive Abuse, is a term used to describe when a victim reacts in a volatile manner (that could be perceived as abusive to those uninvolved or uninformed about the situation) in response to their abuse. This term is not meant to be used in a way to blame the victim or shift any of the responsibility for the abuse onto them but describe in further depth the multitude of responses individuals can have while undergoing abuse.

How a victim responds to their abuse/abuser does not immediately turn them into an abuser themselves. The lack of knowledge around this phenomenon and the various ways people can respond to abuse has created a situation where the victim's response to the abuse can be viewed as abusive. Especially when the way the victim responds is viewed as socially unacceptable or abusive itself.

This makes it appear as though the actions of a victim trying to defend themselves are on the same level as an abuser harming their victim. Sometimes causing it to appear that there are two abusers in the relationship when there is only one. This is made even worse by the fact that sometimes abusive individuals count on their victim responding in this way or goad them into responding in that way to make themselves appear better or their behavior seem more justified in the eyes of outsiders.

A prime example of this would be intentionally acting in a way that the abusive party knows will elicit this sort of response from the victim- So the abuser can record the victim’s behaviour and claim that how the victim behaved was worse.

A side note, but it's a fair possibility that this happened to Mikoto, hence his hypervigilance regarding being filmed without knowledge.

20/05/25

Mikoto: ……I’ve really got caught up in some trouble, huh. What even is this place? It’s probably a TV reality show or something. ……but to think someone in this day and age would try to do a project that could land them in so much trouble. Uh…… Mahiru: Ah…… I’m Shina Mahiru! You can just call me Mahiru. And you are……? Mikoto: Kayano Mikoto. I’m fine with just Mikoto too. Ahh, I’m glad there’s someone here who’s easy to talk to…… It’s nice to meet you, Mappy. Mahiru: ………………Mappy???

20/05/31

Mu: Hey, Mikoto-kun, aren’t you scared of this place……? You can’t think of any reason you ended up here, right……? Mikoto: Ahh, yeah. Of course, it’s not like I’m not scared at all. But just between you and me…… I still haven’t dropped the thought that this could all just be a TV show. I mean, I really haven’t ever murdered anyone.……and if that is the case, we’re definitely being monitored. For like a prank setup or something. Wouldn’t it be super uncool and embarrassing to get angry or lash out and have it shown on prime time? Mu: Is that what you think……? A prank, huh…… I hope that’s all it is…… Mikoto: Ah! If that is the case, then you’ll probably be super popular since you’re so cute, Mucchan! There’s a lot of girls out there who make their big break coming off reality shows like that!

20/06/15

Mikoto: Hey, it’s kinda a bother having you be so angry and tense all the time. You should stop trying to get everyone to pay attention to you. You’re a uni student, right? You can’t act like that once you start working properly. Futa: Huh!? Shut up. Not like I care what you say. Even though we’re in this shitty situation, you’re just chatting away, it’s stupid. Aren’t you the one who’s acting out of place here?……also the fact you give everyone nicknames is just gross. Mikoto: *sigh* It’s more stupid to be taking this all so seriously. I mean, it’s definitely just a reality TV program. There’s no way a real prison exists that’s this lax. Also, I don’t give nicknames to everyone. I don’t give them to young kids like Amane, or to the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san. I mean, I’m not giving you one, right? Futa: ……oi, which group are you trying to say I am?

First trial website voice line

“Ah, I got it! This must be some sort of reality show. There’s no way it’s broadcasted, so maybe an online program?”

John Doe

Your name and age? "Uh… Mikoto Kayano, 23. Wait, no! I've been wanting to talk to you this whole time, guard-kun!" What is it? Make it short. "Alright… when is this whole thing going to end?" Huh? "No, it's obvious, isn't it?! Suddenly being dragged to a place like this, being told all this weird stuff about killers and all that– is this some kind of comedy? A reality TV show? One of those monitoring things? I've been holding on to that thought this whole time, and that was also the reason I tried to get along with the others! Y'know – because that'll look better on a TV show, right?! But look, this is stretching out for way too long…! What's up with this?" ......You really still believe that? That MILGRAM is some kind of joke? "I do! Of course I do! I mean… I really don't remember. Even if you talk about sins or murderers– I don't know about any of that! I'm just a normal worker at a company…"

This is a concept shown very well in Purge March. The way Purge March ends is with Amane proclaiming that she’ll punish her abuser in the same way they abused her.

“Here and now, it’s my turn to tear you apart. So there is no second time, I’ll give back the judgment that you gave to me.”

You will see that is exactly what she did. She waterboards her abuser, likely tases them and then beats them- to death in this case. Though given the size of the bruise on Amane, it seems as though she just gave as good as she got.

One could argue that this is happening within Milgram too. Es intentionally pushes Amane, Fuuta and Mikoto to their mental limit within Milgram, provoking a (rightfully upset) reaction.

For Amane, in both Apostle and Death and Of Blessedness and Punishment, Es goads her into reacting in a volatile manner by repeatedly throwing her wish to not be treated like a child in her face, dismissive of her ideals and belief system at best, though mocking would be a better descriptor. When she does reach her limit and react, they make fun of her. The only exception to this is in Of Blessedness and Punishment, where Amane pushes Es’ sore spot. That being a fragmented identity. She then proceeds to mock them right back, asking them if they are alright before saying to get better by themselves as this is a trial from god.

With Fuuta, Es takes overt advantage of how quickly Fuuta is to react to others’ input and how he takes people at face value. This happens in both trials in different ways. In Braze You, it was Es making the active decision to tease Fuuta since he acted the most stereotypical to being put in this situation. In Baptism of Fire, they give Fuuta a small glimpse of hope about being voted innocent before turning around and saying that they’ll judge no matter how much their “comrades” cry. When Fuuta lashes out at this, saying that he'll kill Es if they don’t vote him innocent, they dismiss him. They state that if they truly are the same, then they’ll get whats coming to them at some point anyways.

As for Mikoto, in John Doe, Es repeatedly pushes on the idea that Mikoto killed someone but forgot. This is despite the fact that Mikoto is in clear distress about the concept. They also mimic how he speaks when doing so, using speech mannerisms such as “it’s only natural to think that, right?” and “That’s the only logical conclusion”. This pushes Mikoto to switch, his other personality doing his best to shut Es up and prevent more mental harm. This is the only reaction to throw Es off, but even then, they continue to egg on the other personality. This results in the other personality laying into Es harder until Kotoko intervenes.

Es also attempts this with Haruka, though to varying degrees of success. In The Writhing of the Weak, Es attempts to get a volatile reaction from Haruka, by acting as a stereotypical “bad cop”. They are instead blindsided by how subservient he comes across, and how easily he accepts any form of attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s framed in a negative or positive light, Haruka’s just happy to have someone look at him. In Metamorphosis of the Weak, however, Es manages to draw out a response by stating the fact that Haruka isn’t out of the woods yet. Haruka reacts in three different ways here.

One, stating that Es is weird and mean for taking back their acceptance after voting him innocent (likely due to Muu’s influence, as that’s a complaint that she’d have).

Two, stating that he can kill anything smaller than him (presumably a train of logic that lead to his murder).

Three, saying that Es wasn’t his mother and only Muu was, before threatening violence against Es if Muu wasn’t voted innocent. When they remind him that the prisoners can’t attack the guard, he switches tacks and says he’ll die if she isn’t voted innocent, before bragging that he can learn. When Es calls him a dumb ass for this, he replies that he was born one.

Es is also aided by the fact that they are within a position of power compared to the prisoners with their status as “warden”. It doesn’t seem to occur to Es that this nebulous position could be ripped away from them at any time by Jackalope.

Es is put in a position where the audience would want to sympathize with them, due to factors such as age, lack of memories and being pushed into a position of heavy judgements without prior preparation. There’s also the fact that they are a stand in for us. This means the audience are more likely to excuse or defend their behaviour. Adding all this together, if the prisoner reacts in a way that’s considered “unsuitable” the audience is predisposed to be on Es’ side. Saying things such as “the prisoners are being unreasonable” and that “if they were truly sorry, they wouldn’t be reacting like that”.

3. Why was Amane retraumatized by her verdict and Milgram?

So, with all that out of the way... We've explained a few things.

Firstly we've explained what retraumatization is and how it may be impacting multiple prisoners. Secondly, we explained the reasoning behind our belief that Amane has been retraumatized by her previous verdict. Then thirdly we explained reactive abuse and how that may play a factor in some of the prisoners' mannerisms.

However, we haven't touched on why exactly Amane was retraumatized by her verdict. She states that she doesn't really mind the voices because something like that can't shake her beliefs.

Plus, she even takes it a step further stating she's already been told these sorts of things before,

Amane Second Voice Drama

"Aren’t we the same? Me and Warden-san. You know, I’m aware that I’m out of the ordinary. That my environment was peculiar, and that everyone [else] is normal."

Amane…

"In fact, there have been people who said that to me. I’ve been told things like, “You’re being deceived.” “You can still make it right now.” “You’re crazy.”."

…

"You are treating me as a child after all. Because I’m a child, you believe that I must have been brainwashed. It’s not like that. I, too— children, too, understand everything! Please don’t just decide that people must be unhappy."

…

"I’m happy that I was born to my parents! It was a bit difficult, and it could feel restrictive sometimes, but I’m really happy that I could grow up on such beautiful teachings! I want to live this way!"

However, she states this in terms of her religious beliefs. Something she's only fallen back on after her retraumatization. The core request within Magic was never please say my cult is good but Amane asking if it was alright for her to act in her own self-interest,

"Dear wise one, Am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?" - "Is it ok to be weak sometimes?"

So, what was denied by the audience was Amane's right to make decisions for herself, not the cult's doctrines. Making it no surprise in retrospect that she would fall back on these teachings to reinforce her worldview. Add onto that the punishment Milgram gave is literally one of the forms of abuse she underwent constantly hearing voices berating you-

Amane Trial 1 Voice Drama

I've kept you waiting, Amane.

"Yes, you did. You're late."

Alright, let us start the interrogation.

"I don't want to."

Hah?

"I won't acknowledge it."

What do you mean?

"It is your duty to apologize to me first."

Uh-huh...

"Nh...Do you understand?!"

...?

"It is vital to always be on time for things. When you do something wrong, you need to apologize. These are both my personal rules and the rules of society."

Are you done? I would like to start the interrogation.

"No, I am not done talking. I need to make sure you are aware of your mistake."

Sigh...

"Why are you making a face like that? Is there something you want to say?"

I'm not in the mood to play around with you... Listen, Amane.

"What is it?"

Don't get the wrong idea. You are an inmate, and I am the warden. That's our dynamic. I have no intention of letting you order me around.

"Hm... But if you're the warden, as you say you are- Shouldn't you take the prisoners' opinions into consideration?"

Don't make me laugh. I'm not your teacher at school; it isn't my goal to teach you things or guide you on the right path. Milgram's goal isn't to turn you back into decent human beings and get you back into normal society. What's needed here are firm honest judgements and decisions.

"Judgements and decisions..."

All that is needed is a decision on whether your crimes are forgivable or not. I don't have any responsibility beyond that. And I have no intention of letting myself be fooled by the impression you are just a little kid.

"I see. Is that so..."

It is. Now let's get to the interroga-

"Then, please apologize to me not as the warden but as yourself."

...As myself?

"Yes. It is only natural for a person to apologize to another for breaking a promise."

...

"Why are you looking so doubtful? Are you not human?"

No, I'm sure you're right. ... I apologize.

"Okay! I'm kind, so I shall forgive you. That's nice, isn't it? If my parents were in my place you would have been lectured for another hour."

I'm glad I wasn't born into your family.

"...Is that so? Alright, we're running late. So, let's start the interrogation!"

(I think it's important to note that Amane has parents here meaning both of them would have lectured here for another hour. Not just her mom.)

And what is hearing these voices but constant lecturing and berating with no end? Not even the freedom of thought she used to have in order to cope with these things. It's a new sort of sound torture where someone isn't even safe in their own mind.

Also, I thought it'd be fun to point out this other similarity in thinking between Futa and Amane,

Q.01 What do friends mean to you?

Futa: People who get excited about the same things as you.

Bring It On

"You apologize if you do something wrong, you learn that even before words, don’t you?" - "When you do something wrong, you need to apologize. These are both my personal rules and the rules of society."/ "Yes. It is only natural for a person to apologize to another for breaking a promise."

This part of her first interrogation may also be why they say this in their second,

"But we are generous. For now, let us make some time for a conversation with you. After all, our history is one that is built on dialogue."

Next time in part two- (Also known as next time on my declining mental health and Star's increasing sleep deprivation!)

#milgram #amane momose #tw cults #tw child abuse #tw abuse

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x-bluefire-heart-x · 10 months

Text

Shit, Dealt With

Okay, So I am back with the next chapter of Grumpy ADA and the Detective. It took a while but I did it.

Warnings: mentions of sexual assault, an anxiety attack, death, violence, drugging, kidnapping, swearing, leering creepy suspect. It isn’t explicit but is discussed more than it was in the previous chapters. I'd say it was universe typical.

Master list

Prompt List

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Six

Tag List: @profoundtyrantharmony @wanniiieeee @zizzlekwum

Two weeks, that was how long this case had been going on. Two more bodies had turned up, all similar in age and body type. And all with the same type of injuries, the unsub was smart, there was no way to identify the bodies except hoping that their DNA or fingerprints were in the system or someone had reported them as missing and as they were all disposed of in bodies of water any traces of DNA were either washed away or so corrupted there was no chance of getting a match. You had managed to get a working profile of the Unsub but without any information on the three victims the profile wasn’t fully complete.

“Male, late 30s to early 40s, gay or at least bi,” you muttered staring at the crime scene images. “Probably attractive and charming enough to lure these men to them, with the specific location of the attacks there is a massive chance of internalised homophobia, but that could be on the victims side just as much as the Unsubs side. Definitely a sadist.”

“Is it a terrible thing that I am hoping for another body?” Amanda asked coming up beside you.

“I’m hoping for the same thing,” you answered turning to look at her. “But as of now, we have nothing to go on. Surely someone has missed our victims, there is no sign of them having been homeless. Their teeth were all in good condition, hair was looked after and treated, their bodies showed clear signs of steady meals and exercise.”

“Maybe they were all loners, who didn’t connect with many people?” she suggested. “Especially, if they didn’t always like who they were.”

“True, which is going to make this even harder,” you signed slumping in your chair. The only good thing to come from this case being difficult was you had no need to go the ADA for anything or for him to come here. At most the two of you shared strained polite smiles and boy did the room fill with tension.

Amanda nudged you when she noticed Rafael walking into the squad room making his way to Cragen’s office. Finn and Olivia were both off on lunch leaving you, Nick and Amanda as the only other detectives in the office. You subtly tracked him as he entered the Captains office and closed the door. Your chest squeezed at the sight of him, but it didn’t feel anything like what happened two weeks ago, it was a very different feeling.

“You okay?” Amanda asked stepping into your line of sight.

“Yeah, I will be,” you answered. “Um, would you tell the Cap-”

“Viper, could I see you for a moment?” Cragen interrupted you, motioning you to enter this office. You froze, body going a little cold, sending a wide eyed look to Amanda.

“You’ll be fine, just leave if you need to,” Amanda squeezed your arms, getting you moving. You nodded taking a deep breath and counting to ten before entering Cragen’s office.

Rafael was standing to the side near the observation window into the interview room, his shoulders were tense but that was before you had even entered so you figured it wasn’t necessarily because of your presence. You focused solely on Cragen who had a folder in his hand.

“You needed me?” you asked.

“Yes, it’s well, it involves a case that you worked on before you went undercover,” Cragen started. “Actually, it’s the case that caused you to need to go undercover.”

“Oh?” you felt your breathe freeze in your lungs, you crossed your arms and shifted from foot to foot unable to stay still as an anxious energy filled you. “What-what about it?” You could feel Rafael’s eyes on you, you didn’t even want to know what the look on his face was, you refused to look at him.

“Zac Cooper is demanding he speaks to an ADA about a deal to change his sentence,” Rafael answered for Cragen, bringing your attention to him.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” anger filled you as you turned to Rafael, disbelief clear as day on your face. “That son of a bitch hurt so many women, what could he possibly have to offer that would even make us consider lessening his sentence or anything else.” Rafael was not surprised by your reaction, he had read over the case notes and when he got to your reports and your testimony from the trial he was suddenly hit with guilt for how he responded to your apology and how he hadn’t made any effort to close the distance that was between the two of you.

“That’s why I wanted to talk to you,” Cragen brought your attention back to him, holding a hand up stalling Rafael from answering you. “I wanted you to go with Barba and speak with him.” The anger that was billowing inside, slowly simmered back down at the thought of being in the same room as that man. You breathed deeply looking at Cragen.

“Me?”

“I know that this case was difficult for you but you know it best, you’ll have a better idea of the relevance of the information he has,” Cragen answered. “If he knows-”

“I get it,” you interrupted. “I’ll do it. Counsellor, when would you like to leave?”

“Now if possible,” Barba answered.

“I’ll grab my things, I’ll drive,” you looked back at Cragen, getting the nod to leave.

“A word Counsellor,” Cragen stopped Rafael from leaving. “This will be difficult for them. I ask that you keep an eye on them and if Viper looks like it is getting to much for them please remove them from the situation.”

“I’ve read the police reports and their testimony,” Rafael admitted. “I will keep my eye on them, but I doubt they will listen if I try to make them leave.”

“You’d be surprised,” Cragen smiled. “Viper isn’t necessarily scared of Zac Cooper but it is the closest I have seen. Perhaps, you could use the drive to put this tension in the past, and get to know them. I would rather like to no longer have to deal with the two of you. As would Olivia.”

“Noted,” Rafael nodded. He left the office noting that you were talking to Nick whose face was pinched and angry. He looked over your shoulder and glared at Rafael. “Detective, I shall wait at the elevator for you.”

“You shouldn’t have to do this,” he overheard Nick imploring you. “Especially with him.”

Rafael shook his head once he was out of sight, he had noticed that Nick had been hovering around you anytime he had been at the station in the past two weeks. Even with as little interaction that the two of you had, he knew that you wouldn’t appreciate the hovering, you seemed like the type of person who appreciated people showing that they cared and were concerned but not overdoing it. Rafael leant against the wall, scrolling through his phone in an attempt to get the image of you from Cragen’s office out of his head. He had never seen you like that, it looked like you had frozen at the mention of Coopers name and the thought of having to see and speak with him. But when you had heard that he wanted a deal that fire was back, your face was so expressive that Rafael could see the rage but also the trepidation that you were feeling. He had to admire your dedication to the job that you were willing to accompany him to speak with Cooper, even though what Cragen said was correct, you had the best chance at knowing if Cooper was bullshitting.

“I’ll be fine Nick,” you said, a hard edge to your voice from his comments before Rafael had walked past. Implying that you needed someone else to be with you to handle Cooper. “I know what I am doing and I don’t appreciate you acting like I’m so fragile.”

Nick raised his hands, face open and pleading but you wanted nothing to do with him at the moment. You were getting a little tired of Nick coddling you, he didn’t do it all the time but when he did it was almost too much. You knew you had kinda lost it in-front of him but if he truly wanted to help you he’d ask you how, not assume you needed your hand held or to be protected. You walked away, knowing you needed to be calm for the trip to were Zac Cooper was being held, and for your interaction with him. But most importantly you didn’t want to make the situation between you and Barba worse. You walked around the corner to see Rafael leaning against the wall next to the elevators, one hand in his pants pocket and the other tapping away at his phone. You faltered in your next step at the sight before shaking your head lightly and continuing towards him. He looked up hearing your footsteps, putting away his phone as he faced the elevator and hit the button.

“It’s a bit of a drive, have you had lunch yet?” you asked, voice a bit tense. Rafael glanced at you from the corner of his eye, noting the tension in your shoulders and your hands periodically clenching, fingers rubbing against your palm. He had noticed a similar motion just before you had testified on the stand during the O’Neil case, he found his eyes trailing back up your arm, scanning your neck noticing a small freckle just under your jaw. “Counsellor?”

“Not yet,” he quickly answered focusing away from you, ignoring the feeing in his chest. “Maybe we could get some quick take away and eat in the car?”

“Yeah, that sounds good. Sandwiches? There’s a good place just down the road?” you both stepped into the elevator having to crowd a little close due to there being a few people in there already.

“Sandwiches are good,” Rafael felt extremely awkward being pressed so close to you. He wanted to try and talk about the tension but figured it might be better to do that in the car rather than a crowded elevator or perhaps it would be better to not do it at all. “I’ll buy.” You turned your head to look at him over your shoulder, not realising how close the two of you were, the action bringing your cheek rather close to his lips.

“You don’t have to do that,” you whispered, a little red darkening your cheeks. You couldn’t turn your head back, eyes stuck on his, your gaze flickered down and noticed that his cheeks were tinged with red. His chin also showing signs of stubble, making you wonder if he hadn’t had time to shave that morning. A small part of your brain thinking about the way it would feel and you cut that train of thought right off.

“I know,” Rafael nodded. “But you’re driving.” Good, a distraction.

“And that equals to you buying lunch?” you raised an eyebrow a teasing lilt to your voice that Rafael had only heard when you talk to the others. It had never been directed at him before and frankly he didn’t quite know how to respond to it. You grinned when he didn’t answer before the doors opened. “Come on Counsellor, cars this way.” You walked towards your car, not looking back to see if he was following.

Rafael felt a smile slowly pull at his lips, he had noticed Viper’s cheeks had turned redder before they turned away. Maybe it wouldn’t be as difficult to work past the last few weeks of tensions and misunderstandings. Even if they could only become civil with no tension suffocating any room the two of them were in, would be progress. He continued to ignore the pleasant warmth that started in his stomach when they had been pressed close together, just as he had ignored every other odd feeling after seeing the detective and the splash of disappointment when they ignored him or left the building entirely when he had gone down to the station.

Rafael did end up paying for lunch refusing to take any cash from you or take your card, he chuckled when he got back in the car and you were pouting as you drove away.

“Do you want yours now?” he asked holding your sandwich in his hand.

“Ah, maybe wait till I’m out of the city, less likely to need both my hands on short notice,” you responded sending him a tight lip smile.

“Smart, wouldn’t want to crash,” he nodded. “Do you mind if I start?”

“Course not, go nuts,” you smiled voice lined with amusement. “Would you mind opening my drink though? Little thirsty.”

Rafael nodded twisting the lid of your lemonade off and handing it to you, replacing the lid after you handed it back. Rafael started eating, and he knew that he would have to go to that little deli more often, this sandwich was one of the best he had had in a while. He watched the traffic as you expertly got them out of the city and onto the road to the prison, your fingers tapping the steering wheel intermittently. He reached down into the bag pulling your sandwich out and undid the wrapper enough for you to be able to eat it without too much difficulty.

“Here, should be okay for you to eat now,” he suggested holding it out. “And you should eat something.” You looked over at him briefly, noticing a different look in his eyes from the other few times you had seen him. You sighed but nodded and took the sandwich.

“I’m guessing Cap and the case files gave you a little understanding of how much I do not want to be in the same room with Cooper,” you muttered taking a bite of food, hand on the wheel tightening its grip causing your knuckles to go white.

“A little, he did tell me to keep an eye on you and remove you from the room if it looks like it’s too much,” Rafael answered, deciding honesty was the way forward between the two of you.

“Hmm, that sounds like Cragen,” you nodded. “Though…rather honest of you to tell me that.

“Figured you would have some idea that Cragen told me to if I needed to remove you,” he shrugged. “So, why bother keeping quiet about it, makes no sense.”

“Fair enough,” you snorted taking another bite of your sandwich. You felt your stomach rebel against the food that was in your stomach and started trying to wrap it back up before two hands took it out of yours and wrapped it back up. “Thanks.”

You weren’t entirely sure what to make of this Rafael, the one that was nice, you figured this side of him was what Olivia mostly saw but you weren’t entirely sure why now of all times he decided to show you that side, unless it did make perfect sense cause he read the case files. You hoped that he wasn’t being nice to you just because of what he read, you didn’t think that was the kind of person he was but you weren’t sure. At least maybe this could be how the two of you become civil at least, you just weren’t sure how to respond to his kindness. Your skin tingled a little from where his fingers had brushed yours when he took your sandwich, and the close proximity in the car wasn’t helping whatever happened in the elevator to disappear. You had determinedly ignored how you reacted to his presence since the night you got drunk, you also refused to acknowledge whatever happened between you and Nick. Which definitely wasn’t helping with the whole Nick situation and his hovering either. You were never any good at that kind of thing and you hoped it would just pass and frizzle out.

“You ate more then I thought you would,” Rafael smiled handing your drink over to you without having to be asked. “Drink a little more might help.”

“Thanks,” you stook took small sips before handing it back. “Look…the thing with Cooper isn’t just because of what is in the case files but also what happened as a result of that case. That year undercover was…difficult and I’m worried that I will fall back on some habits I created during that time.”

Rafael blinked, a little surprised that you were being open about the issue, especially since it regarded the undercover job that everyone else had said you rarely talk about. But he remined himself that in your first meeting you had fallen back on one of those habits and he wondered if you wanted him to know a little bit more about that. Rafael bit his tongue holding back the snarky response he so desperately wanted to say but a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Olivia told him to hold it that progress was being made and until that progress had been finalised perhaps being snarky wasn’t the best idea.

“Olivia said you rarely talk about that time,” Rafael said instead. “I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have been like. What kind of habits?”

“Really, really bad ones,” you took a deep breath. “I was…an enforcer for a lack of better word. Meant to keep the women…girls in line and eventually some of the other enforcers as well. To get to that position took time and I had to show the boss that I was tough enough to handle men as well as the women, I couldn’t show that what was happening, what I was allowing to happen got to me. I had to become a cold hard bitch, who could intimidate anyone and who wasn’t afraid to dole out punishment. The FBI was aware of the lengths I would have to go and ensured me that I was covered. They were looking to take down a massive operation that was starting to look at going international big time, instead of just taking girls from other countries they were looking at having rings in other countries and taking girls from the US to those countries.”

Rafael was not expecting you to be that open with him, to hear your voice go dead as you talked about your role and why you had to create these bad habits you keep talking about. He felt dread swell in his stomach as you changed and he wondered if this was a glimpse of the person you had to become.

“Viper, you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,” Rafael’s voice had turned incedingly soft. You hadn’t ever heard him refer to you as Viper before and that jolt managed to bring you back.

“It’s fine, my psych said it would be good to allude to some of things I had to do to others, the only people outside of the team of FBI agents that knows anything about it is my psych and Olivia,” you told him risking a quick glance at him. “Not even Cragen, sure they can all at least guess but I have never point blank told them.”

“Why me?”

“Honestly? Probably because you don’t know me, and you didn’t know me before so you are the least likely to look at me differently and even if you did…it wouldn’t hurt as much as the others,” you explained. “Finn and Nick have done undercover work but…I don’t think….honestly Cassidy would probably understand better than them but I don’t really get along with him and he doesn’t like to talk about it either. Olivia doesn’t look at me differently, but honestly I think Liv is, well, she’s…”

“Liv,” Rafael offered.

“Yeah,” you nodded.

“I think I get it, well, mostly,” Rafael turned to look at you fully. “Can I ask how the case with Cooper led to your undercover job?”

“Cooper was a supplier to these guys,” you explained. “The FBI had been watching him but it dropped off after a while as they considered other suppliers to be more….important in taking down the operation. We had no idea about any of that, we had a girl brought in by an off duty nurse she had signs of serve abuse and markings on her wrists that indicated she had been chained. We got her to talk and she eventually gave us Coopers name and the name of the woman who was to take her to the boss.

‘We got the both of them and apparently she was going to be a new enforcer and no-one from the group had met her before. Apparently the enforcer was meant to bring a number of new girls with her and it was going to be a test to see how well the girls behaved when they were brought in. The enforcer was killed in the take down and the FBI came storming in and demanded to know what we thought we were doing, because of course they did. When we worked out that none of the girls had seen the enforcer the FBI decided it was an opportunity and I volunteered to do it.”

“So, Cooper might have more information on the group?” Rafael asked.

“Maybe but he was significantly low down on the totem pole, he was the one they went do for girls when they were desperate,” you explained fingers tapping faster against the steering wheel. “The only reason I can see him wanting to tell us something he held back before is because he heard about the take down and is worried that if any of them ended up in the same prison as him they’ll retaliate. Since technically he is the one who sent me there.”

You could feel your chest starting to tighten as you struggled to breath, your vision started to narrow down and you knew immediately it was another panic attack. You swiftly pulled off the road and killed the engine, your hands clenching the steering wheel so tightly that your knuckles turned white.

“Viper?” Rafael’s voice was confused from the sudden action, he turned towards you, hands poised in the air, unsure if he was allowed to touch you, he recognised the signs of a panic attack, having aided Olivia through some before but he didn’t know if you would welcome his help all things considered.

“So-sorry,” you gasped out eyes tight as tears started to fall down your cheeks. “Give-give me a mo-moment.”

“It’s okay, take your time,” Rafael’s voice still had the same soft cadence that it had during your previous conversation. Seeing that you were still struggling to control your breathing he decided to through caution to the wind. You could yell at him later, which would be a significant improvement from this. He reached out slowly, his long fingers gently wrapping around your wrist closest to him, his other hand gently covering yours over the wheel. He eased your grip off and brought your hand towards himself, eyes never leaving your face.

When Rafael first touched you, you thought he would tap out a rhythm like Liv had done to help you focus on something else, and to try and match your breathing to. But that wasn’t what he did. You felt your breathe stutter even more in your chest when he placed your hand over his chest, right above where his heart was beating. Covering your fingers with one of his hands, his other placed itself over the back of your hand and finally tapped his fingers in time with his heart beating under your hands. You slowly turned your head towards him, shocked by the softness of his eyes as they searched your face looking for signs of something.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Steady strong presses of his fingers forced your attention to his hands. Your eyes slowly moved away from his and focused where you could feel a steady beat. Rafael closely controlled his breathing, exaggerating as he pulled air into his lungs and held it for five seconds before releasing it. With your hand on his chest you could feel the raise and fall as he breathed, that combined with the tapping and the sound of Rafael’s breathing allowed your focus to zero in on him. And as your breathe slowly started to match his, as your vision slowly come back in focus and you felt the constriction on your lungs release you noticed a few other things. His scent, you had never been close enough to notice it before but the cologne he wore filled your nose as you breathed. It was a little bit spicy and under the cologne there was something distinctly him. All Rafael. And you couldn’t help but think how nice it was. How almost warm and welcoming the scent was as you came back. Your cheeks heated up even more, as your eyes lifted away from your hand and back up to his soft warm eyes, that were watching you in concern.

“Hey, there you are,” his voice soothed you. “How are you?”

“Better,” you nodded. “Um…thanks.” You tugged a little on the hand he still held oh so gently against his chest. He seemed to startle a little, his cheeks tinging pink a little as he let go. You except him to release your hand as if he had been burnt but instead he let it go and placed it back in your lap for you.

“Of course,” he smiled.

“I…I don’t normally, I mean,” you groaned rubbing your face to remove the left over tears. “I have only had on other attack like that and Liv helped me through it. She said I should keep an eye out for things that are similar when I have them.”

“If it would help, maybe we could discuss it,” Rafael suggested. “Try and see if anything was similar this time. What was happening when you had your first one?”

You opened your mouth before remembering exactly what had been happening when you had your first attack a few weeks ago. You bit your lip, looking over at him, and his earnest eyes. You felt like telling him could cause whatever had been happening on this drive to go backwards.

“Um, well, it was when I was at the squad room with the others, just before we got a call for the first victim of our current case,” you started fingers twisting around themselves. Rafael nodded about to say something before he stopped, thinking back to that day and realising that that was when Liv had come to him and talk about how he had reacted to your apology.

“Had Liv just told you about her conversation with me earlier that day?” he asked, gut clenching at the thought that he had caused you to have an attack. You couldn’t answer that, at least not with words, so you just nodded. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t, you don’t have to apologise,” you interrupted. “Don’t think it was just that.”

“Oh?” Rafael didn’t know what else to say, his eyes searched your face the look in them caused you to look away quickly. Your hands scrubbed your face hard taking in a deep breathe. “Does it have something to do with Amaro?”

“What?!” your voice was a little shrill causing Rafael to snort before quickly covering it with a cough. “No, I, why would you? No!”

“Alright, alright,” Rafael laughed. “I just thought, he had been around you a lot in the last few weeks.”

“Hmm,” you couldn’t answer more than that, not wanting to think on it. You leaned back against the head rest closing your eyes and taking a deep breathe. “We should continue on.”

---

You handed over your gun, hands trembling a little. Rafael, stood behind you watching you carefully, as you were both lead to the interview room. Rafael watched in fascination as you closed your eyes, taking long deep breathes, your fingers tapped against your thigh in what he thought was a random pattern. Taking one last breath you squared your shoulders, just as the guards led Cooper into the room.

“Well, well, Detective, you look good,” Cooper grinned looking you up and down which caused your stomach to squirm. Rafael felt his anger flare a little at the predatory look on Coopers face as he leered at you. He opened his mouth to get his attention away from you and to try and get this over with as quickly as possible.

“What’s this so called important information you have?” Rafael’s eyes shot back to you at the tone of your voice. Your face was blank, eyes cold with a simmering of anger in them.

“I want a deal,” Cooper demanded.

“That will depend on what you have to tell us and if it is useful,” Rafael stated, causing Cooper to focus on him. His eyes looked him up and down taking in the three piece suit, before they dragged away again dismissing him quickly, a cruel twist of his lips told Rafael exactly what this sick man thought of him. Cooper turned his back on them both walking around the table to the side facing the wall.

“Aw, you must be the lawyer,” Cooper grinned taking a seat at the table, Rafael frowned. This man seemed to believe this to be a joke. “Well, before that. I want a transfer to a low security prison with protective detail.”

“You’re a violent sex trafficker low security is not going to happen,” Rafael scoffed, taking a seat opposite Cooper. “Protective detail can be arranged and we can consider a transfer to a different prison but it will not be low security.”

You had stayed standing but had moved closer to the table standing next to Rafael eyes zeroed in on Cooper watching his every move, muscles coiled and waiting in case he makes a wrong move. Rafael glanced up at you before focusing back on Cooper, he took out a writing pad and a pen.

“Come on lovely, you know I am not that violent,” Cooper cooed leaning forward on the table towards you.

“You cracked open a sixteen year old girls skull,” Viper stated. “I’d say that’s violent. And you’re stalling. I doubt you have anything of value to tell us.”

“I have information about the people in charge,” he pouted. “And you don’t think that’s value. Detective, shame on you.”

“Oh really?” you asked raising an eyebrow. “You were a trafficker that the ring went to when they were desperate. You were so low on the totem pole that the FBI deemed you unimportant.”

“Well, if you believe that that means the plan worked,” Cooper smirked leaning back in his chair, folding his arms.

“Plan?” Rafael asked, sharing a glance with you.

“Yeah, they knew the FBI were on to them and they wanted to make them believe I wasn’t important-”

“Bullshit,” you interrupted with a snort. “I was with that group for a year and all they did was insult and demean your name. You were a laughing stock.”

Cooper’s smirk fell and his eyes narrowed as he lent forward again staring you down. Rafael felt a tension in the air, he glanced behind him checking to ensure that there was still a guard somewhere close by.

“So you have nothing,” you snarled. “You are just a coward. Counsellor this was a waste of our time.”

Rafael stood up collecting his things as you moved around to his side stepping slightly in-front of him as he started to walk towards the cell door. He glanced back to see that you were walking backwards, keeping Cooper in your eyesight the entire time, as he had stood up from the table and had edged around the corner. Rafael motioned for the guard to open the door.

“We’re done,” he said.

“No we are not!” Cooper snarled taking a few steps forward. The guards quickly entered holding Cooper back and cuffing him again. “Listen you fuckers we are not done here! You will pay for this detective!”

“Not before you,” you smirked before walking away with Rafael. The shouted insults from Cooper grew quiet the further you got.

“Well, that was…” Rafael trailed off.

“Yep, sorry you had to make a wasted trip,” you muttered as you collected your gun.

“It happens,” Rafael shrugged, the two of you making your out of the prison to where the car was parked. “Do you think he really believed he had something?”

“I think he was hoping he could trick us into thinking it. He had no idea just how deep I gotten into that ring,” you sighed rubbing the back of your neck. “Part of me wishes he did have something but another part of me is glad he didn’t. That same part wishes that one of the members will be put in this prison with him. So he can feel even the smallest bit of fear. Fuck, I hate that I feel like that.” You leant against the side of the car, hands rubbing your face before running through your hair and pulling it lightly.

“You shouldn’t, he’s a horrible person but it shows the kind of person you are that you feel that way,” Rafael reached a hand out, hesitating only slightly before placing it on your arm and giving it a light squeeze. He felt the muscle under his hand and couldn’t help squeezing again without realising it. You lowered your hands, looking briefly at the hand that was still on your arm before following to the owner who was once again staring at you with those soft green eyes. The way he was looking at you made you feel warm, safe and…cared for.

“Thanks,” you smiled, cheeks once again heating. You were starting to get a little tired of that occurring around this man. Rafael smiled softly, squeezing your arm one last time before letting go, already you missed the warmth and the feel. You coughed a little pushing away from the car and standing up straight. “We should probably start heading back, let the Captain know there was nothing of value.”

Rafael nodded walking around the car, his hand that had been touching your arm flexed he could swear he felt a little tingle but shrugged it off. The smile was still on his face, although the reason for the trip up here was a waste of time he didn’t think the trip itself was a waste of time and he knew that Cragen would also see it that way. The tension between you two appeared to be gone and he just hoped it would stay that way.

“Well, maybe it wasn’t an entire waste of time,” he shrugged wanting to test the waters, and also to see if he could get that teasing lilt back.

“Hm, no I suppose not,” you agreed, a small cheeky grin on your face. “We didn’t kill each other on this trip, so the others will be disappointed. Except for maybe Liv, she definitely bet on us dealing with our shit.”

“Oh, she definitely did,” Rafael laughed. “Part of me wants to mess with them a little but I believe Liv may actually kill me if we did that.” You shot him a look as you pulled out onto the road, seeing the mischievous glint in his eye. You snorted, rolling your eyes and focusing back on the road as the traffic was a little busier than normal.

“I reckon we could take her,” you added after a few minutes of silence.

“We?” Rafael asked, eyes still watching your face, revelling in the banter. He was excited, banter was something he adored, a way in which he communicated often, and being able to do that with you after the weeks of issues the two of you had had him almost bouncing for joy. It was a similar feeling he got when the other detectives joined in on his banter but there was something else, something he couldn’t put his finger on when you turned to look at him, the cheeky grin now a smile. He felt his heart almost stop when you winked at him before looking away.

“Duh Barba,” you snarked. “Of course, you would be sacrificed for my survival but it would be a team effort.”

“Sacrificed?” Rafael barked.

“Hmm, I would proclaim my innocence. ‘No Liv, I had no idea he was going to pretend we still wanted to kill each other, I swear,’” your voice went up a notch.

“Very convincing,” Rafael drawled. “Liv wouldn’t buy it.”

“Yeah she would. Liv adores me and I am the picture of innocence,” you protested.

“Right, the picture of innocence who looks like they could kill someone with their finger,” Rafael teased.

“…Well, I never,” you pouted as a giggle bubbled in your chest.

“Amaro would probably save you anyway,” Rafael spoke without thinking. He bit his tongue hoping he hadn’t just pushed to far, he just remembered the way you reacted the last time Amaro was mentioned.

“Don’t need him saving me,” you scoffed, the teasing tone sounding more forced now.

“Can’t imagine you would,” Rafael agreed trying to salvage the moment. “You could run rings around him with your eyes closed.”

You didn’t respond to that but your smile was a little less forced then it was before and Rafael counted that as a win. He let the conversation drop, not one to force a topic to continue once it had reached it’s natural conclusion. The smirk on his face didn’t fall as the silence filled the car, it wasn’t awkward, wasn’t necessarily the type of comfortable he has with Liv but it was nice. It was a start.

#law and order svu imagines #Law and Order SVU #rafael barba #gender neutral reader #imagine #writing #gender neutral y/n #banter #rafael barba x reader #Captain Cragen #Soft Rafael Barba

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 8 months

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Deconstructing Dieter Bravo: Part 2

If you haven't read chapter 25 of Destiny & Deliverance, do so before continuing with this post to avoid spoilers. 😉

Now that the story is starting to dive into what is going on with our dear Dieter, I felt it was time for Part 2 of the Deconstructing Dieter Bravo series to discuss the topic of psychiatric medication.

Just to be clear, this is not a post for or against the use of such medications. I want to put that out there before we get started. It is also a very high-level overview.

Most individuals that do not have experience with mental health struggles (weather that be personally or via someone close to them) do not realize the affects that psychiatric medications can have on the patient and further complications that they can cause during treatment, which is why I feel it is important to share some of this information.

While psychiatric medications are meant to help manage symptoms, they can also make things a hell of a lot worse. In many cases, the first medication isn't the correct medication or the correct dosage. There is a lot of trial and error involved in the process because everyone's body chemistry is different. Which means the patient is often left dealing with side effects that can range from minor to severe. Figuring out the correct medication and dosage for an individual can be a long and unpleasant process, which is why many give up on the use of medication all together.

There are six main categories of mental health medication: antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, depressants, anxiolytics, and stimulants. Each category is used to treat different types of disorders. Each come with their own set of side effects, but the most common are headaches, weight gain, dizziness, dry mouth, muscle spasms and cramps, nausea, loss of sex drive, constipation, sleepiness or problems with sleep, loss of appetite, and fast heart rate.

More serious and less common side effects are always a possibility too. Especially if patients are taking certain medications after being misdiagnosed (more about that in a later post). More serious side effects include nightmares, blurred vision, depression and/or paranoia, aggressive behavior, agitation, anxiety, personality changes, concentration problems, mania, suicidal ideation, and memory damage.

To complicate things further, psychiatric medications easily interact with other substances such as headache mediations, vitamins, and herbal supplements. It is important that the patient is aware of that possibility and ensures that their doctor is aware of all consumption habits. This includes ingredients in meals and drinks. It is also highly recommended not to mix alcohol with the majority of psychiatric medications.

Given all the possible side effects it is important that patients and their families/caregivers communicate to their doctor any changes they are experiencing with their bodies, feelings, and thoughts no matter how minor to avoid any further complications that could eventually result from continued medication use. Some medications take effect immediately while others can take up to two weeks or longer. Antipsychotics can take between six weeks to three months to get into your system and become effective. Therefore, obvious side effects could be delayed which is why it is important to continue to make note of any changes.

There are many long-term effects of using these types of medications such as organ damage and disorders like tardive dyskinesia (involuntary movements of various body parts). Therefore, it is very important that the patient regularly check in with their doctor and have regular blood work done to check on things.

It's important that patients find a doctor that they trust and that truly listens to their concerns so that no minor detail is overlooked. It is also important that patients and their family/caregivers are proactive in their own care, ensuring proper follow-up and tests are performed. Otherwise, important factors could be overlooked and lead to complications down the road.

Given this brief overview of information, it is safe to say that Dieter is experiencing both the common and more severe side effects from the medication he has been taking. There have been hints throughout the entire fic that his meltdown was slowly building, though it wasn't completely obvious. Which is the hard part about these types of things. It's often not an issue until it's bad.

There are some behaviors that could be a direct result of Dieter's diagnosis, while other behaviors could have been and were most likely exacerbated by incorrect medicating. That is just something to keep in mind as we work our way through the story.

In Chapter 27 we will get a formal diagnosis for Dieter and take a deeper dive into his disorder as well as how the medication he is on has created a perfect storm.

🌛Mysterious-Moonstruck-Musings

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#dieter bravo #pedro pascal characters #destiny & deliverance series #deconstructing dieter bravo series #pedro pascal #dieter bravo fic #dieter bravo x oc #dieter bravo fanfiction #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fanfic #dieter bravo x ofc #the bubble #mental health awareness #mental health

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beyonsatan · 11 months

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dude i love your thoughts on pluto (this is the shit i've been saying for years 😭 it's not a sexy planet it's TRAUMA). i REALLY wanna know what you have to say about pluto aspecting the ascendant

Omg yes and THANK YOU, I've been dying to talk about this for a hot minute 😭😭😭😭 The only true thing I have heard about pluto near the ascendant so far is that it can make a person intimidating without having to make a conscious effort to, it's just a natural thing for them, it's in the stare, the walk, just overall the way they carry themselves, they may not see themselves this way but its there, people can't ignore this about them and what did western astrologers do with this information? They managed to completely turn it into a sexual thing 💀, sex appeal whatever they call it to help people cope with just how intense this placement can get when its literally anything but sexual. Yes pluto near the ascendant, the descendant or MC can make people obsessed with you but it's not really the healthy type of obsession that you would get with Sun, Venus or jupiter near these angles. Obsession can mean many things like wanting to look like this person, wanting to model yourself after them, viewing them as a beacon of light (Sun and Venus) or always trusting this person's word, following everything that they do, their morals, their values or belief systems, cult like behavior (Jupiter) and then there's obsession that's just borderline weird/dangerous and uncalled for like stalking, picking fights with a person, having unprovoked animosity for a person, being mad at a person and not being able to pin down or describe the reason why (pluto.) that's all what pluto obsession is about, that's why ppl with pluto near the IC(which isnt really about you but talks about your roots, where you come from, deacribes your family) come from families who were secretly jealous of or otherwise hated them for reasons that aren't known, or are the cause of their trauma, fear and undoing, aspects to other planets would color how this plays out. Pluto is more of a "hater" type of energy, you're not sexually attracted to the people you hate, that's just not realistic. If you wanna observe sex or sex appeal or just anything NSFW related in astrology I strongly advise to look at Venus(for women) and Mars (for men), the aspects and by house, and also observe the 5th house (not the 8th house because that house isn't sexual either and only talks about death, inheritances and the business side of marriage, one more thing western astrologers lied about LMFAO 😭)

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myconetted · 1 year

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more tumblr meta in response to @alliered's post here

be warned: i am inarticulate yet verbose

on volunteer work

Tumblr has around 200 full-time employees. As of 2019, it looks like it had 16 million monthly active users. Two hundred people is just not a lot of people to run a social media site, which has to follow regulatory requirements and do moderation and all that shit. Volunteer work is going to happen and you can't really get around it. That's how scrappy teams operate.

Is tumblr chaotic? Yes. Could it stand to be more organized? ...Maybe? I remember the glassdoor reviews saying it was total cowboy culture and you were mostly left to your own devices. @jv (who works at tumblr) has also commented in late 2022 that tumblr is still very decentralized and you're encouraged to ask forgiveness rather than permission.

I don't work at tumblr so I have no idea how much of a problem this is, but it's worth remembering the point I made earlier: you can reduce chaos and thrash by adding process at the cost of making everything slightly slower. For tumblr specifically, since it's a remote team distributed across timezones, requiring people to come to meetings to make decisions can make things a lot slower because there will only be a few hours in the day that everyone can attend a meeting and limited overlapping waking hours. You're in the US and you wanted to ask your manage in the UK about whether you need to work on X or Y? Hopefully you asked in the morning, because your 2pm is their 10pm!

When you have a small enough team where everyone is very senior, it can actually be a huge productivity boost to do things in a pretty ad-hoc way. I personally have witnessed the transition from a ~70 person org to a 150-200 person org, and at 70 people we didn't need internal newsletters or super-fancy ticketing systems or dedicated project managers. Everyone knows everyone and can just ping each other directly. At 150-200 people, that starts to break down, and you get into situations where two teams might be working on very similar things without knowing.

Maybe that's something tumblr could do better, but it's also the type of thing that requires a shitload of concerted effort to get right: the worst thing you could do is introduce a bunch of middle management who end up wasting more time than they save because they don't have enough background information or technical expertise.

new features

also for bug fixing and new features.... the thing is that many users speak more on NOT wanting so much time spent on what seem like weightless updates when we want more focus in issues that have existed for weeks, months, and even years.

I think this point is really important for understanding a lot of the recent changes around tumblr that have occurred basically ever since it got acquired by automattic. Here's the bottom line: tumblr is not profitable and never has been. That means everything tumblr has been doing until now is not enough.

Tumblr needs more users and it needs to get more money from those users, or it dies. That's it.

The easiest and most reliable way to make money is to serve ads, serve a ton of them, and let advertisers pay more to target specific user demographics with their ads. In 2022, 90% of twitter's revenue was from ads. But tumblr's owners and staff don't want to do that, so they're exploring other options.

Which is why you've been seeing new features you didn't ask for: tumblr needs users, tumblr needs money; if the current features aren't cutting it, then they need to find some new features that will. Some features like the "live" thing are an attempt to get more users and/or engagement, to lure people in from other platforms like tiktok and instagram who are into that kind of thing. Other features, like the checkmarks and badges and merch, are more directly about getting money.

You may not like non-chronological timelines, but users coming from other platforms haven't had to curate their own feeds for like a decade now and just have no idea how to do that--tumblr offers recommendation-based feeds because it's empirically successful and helps you retain users. So you can see they're trying a lot of different things right now.

You might be wondering why this has only started happening within the last two or so years even though automattic acquired tumblr in late 2019. If public statements are worth anything, it's because they spent the first couple years rebuilding a shitload of backend infrastructure, probably paying down a ridiculous amount of technical debt, in order to make the platform stable and flexible enough for staff to work on a bunch of new features at once without worrying about extreme jank or bringing the whole platform down because someone removed a load-bearing print statement.

spam bots

Matt, CEO of automattic and the guy who's currently running tumblr as his highest priority, said last year that tumblr would need 2 million users to buy ad-free browsing in order to offset tumblr's running costs. At $40/yr, that's $80m annually to keep the lights on for tumblr.

EDIT: Here's a post from another staff member who breaks this down in a lot more detail and explains the motivation for the Live feature.

Fighting spam is just a notoriously difficult problem that no one has solved. The current situation mainly boils down to: get rid of all the spambots, or avoid accidentally banning real users. Pick one. That's it! To put this into perspective, neither Facebook nor Twitter have figured it out either. And they're both huge compared to tumblr, not just in terms of headcount but also in terms of the engineers they attract: we're talking about the combined efforts of hundreds of smart engineers who have tons of resources to tackle this problem. They haven't figured it out. In 2019 when tumblr was acquired by automattic, it had a total of 200 employees, whereas twitter had 4,900 and facebook/meta had 45,000. All things considered, I think tumblr's doing a pretty good job both in their automatic detection and their reporting system.

This is also one of those areas where people will be very tight-lipped about the specific things they're doing to fight spam, and for good reason. Fighting spam is a constant battle where each side is updating their strategies and trying new things. I don't know if you've noticed, but these spambots come in waves (at least that's how I've experienced it). The influx of spambots come in, tumblr figures out how to prevent and ban them, the spammers figure something else out, a new wave comes in, rinse and repeat. Making public posts about how the spambot detection works is a great way to tell spammers how to evade detection.

would finding a way to make the sign up process more difficult for spam bots be able to clear up resources elsewhere?

Yes, making sign-ups harder can make it more difficult for spammers to make accounts. But it also makes it harder for people to sign up. And again, tumblr can't really afford to add friction to the sign-up flow, because friction means losing potential users, and tumblr needs users. Also you would be surprised how easily spammers are able to circumvent these kinds of things so you end up in a state where you have fewer user sign-ups but the bots are still everywhere.

user feedback (tickets)

I mostly ran out of energy at this point but with respect to whether or not staff knows about things users want and how they're keeping track: that's what the ticketing system is for! That's why cyle keeps telling people to make tickets! The support tickets are how tumblr staff keep track of problems users are having and feature requests. Those tickets are connected to a ticket tracker where they can keep track of spikes in user requests and bugs and spam bots. I know it sounds stupid and it sounds like they're just telling you to put your suggestions directly into the trash, but that's actually the for-real tracking system they use for monitoring bugs and feedback. Everything else, like the various official and personal blogs, are because they're passionate about making some of this stuff visible to users.

So yeah they could maybe make portions of their internal tracker more public so users can see what tumblr is prioritizing, but that introduces its own problems, up to and including making the tracker less useful to staff. (I don't know if you've ever seen the chromium tracker. It's a nightmare.)

---

anyways tldr:

money hard without ads

tumbler need money and probably has to get this money without a significant headcount increase (not sure how much runway automattic has, but it's probably less than in 2019 because of the pandemic and the econony and all)

maybe tumblr could benefit from more internal process and organization but it's really hard to say as an outsider

otherwise i think it's kinda hard to ask staff to do more than what they're already doing cause they're doing a lot rn

don't let that stop you from giving them feedback, because even when you feel like all your feedback is going into a black hole whenever you open a support ticket, that's actually how they track these things. nothing screams user feedback like 300 new tickets in the queue about the same thing and they actually have to close those things out

i really didn't appreciate that last bullet point until i started working at a company with a product. users would ping individual engineers about things being busted and it's always like DUDE you're supposed to email support so it actually gets seen!! otherwise it's just hanging around in someone's inbox!

#my:poast

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rin-and-jade · 3 months

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Arrays of Colored Jars: A Post about Holders

Well, yeah, jars. We all always keep something inside ourselves, be it memories, or feelings, or anything else,, they're categorized in a distinguished way that makes it pop out apart from all the mundane information that are accumulated for future prediction or for keepsakes.

But when we want to talk more about holders as jars, then they can even go further for things such as bearing charged events to keep the system stable and not get washed away by the sheer overwhelming somatic/emotional intensity, or, make it easier to manage symptoms that comes along with an event/cause/reason. These jars are not only meant to keep something passively, but serve a purpose.

Okay.. so what's a 'Jar' to you?

First let me pull out the general meaning for this word, it's like a usual part of my post now;

"a person who has the ownership, possession, or use of something." From dictionary.com

So if we use this meaning for the context of systems, is that the ownership, or possession, now turns to something that are more abstract such as memories, feelings, or anything else,, rather than holding actual water you know.

What classifies as one, though?

Lots of ways. Holders are very variable, they seem to align to it's own system for what must be contained, and what it is meant for, and why. Though there's a generic theme of classification which i will divide into three, and that all are still classified as holders;

Emotion Holder, Memory Holder, and Symptom Holder.

E Holder:

This type of holder contains a dominant or intensified level of a certain emotion. An example of this would be an anger holder, where it will be in a persistent state of anger and still can slide around the angry spectrum. It also has a possibility to feel other emotions, and/or can feel outside its dominant emotional state for a short period. E Holders may also retain related memories associated with their dominant emotion. These memories serve to reinforce the emotional experience, affecting intensity and persistence of the dominant emotion.

M Holder:

This type of holder is specialized in remembering an event that has happened where nobody could remember/recall collectively, it can vary from being vague to vivid. Sometimes will also carry charged emotions that goes along with the memory, which is tricky at first to check if its an E or a M holder.

The difference lies on which factor started it (is it the memory, or the feelings), M holders are more indirect so it means, X memory makes them express Y way, while E holders are more direct and overt because they express Y way and remember memory X which strengthens the intensity of Y.

This type of holder can also cause confusion in a chronological aspect, as if, it had time traveled back to when it knows being in, if cofronting/fronting. In conclusion they also hold the vibe, or the sense of time other than what had happened within the memory.

S Holder:

Have you noticed that some alters within the system may experience certain disorders or symptoms that primarily affect them, while rest of the collective remains minimally affected? Or have disorders that only affects itself? These holders are capable of containing disorders (like NPD, BPD) or singular/specific, like paranoia. it's to ensure that disruptive or distressing experiences are contained within specific alters rather than affecting everyone negatively. This also works with pain holders!

Uhuh.. but why many, how does that work??

Different jars different contents, you know these containers are very versatile and are used to keep tiny trinkets, liquids, and even bake dessert within it? They can even be used to store dry pasta or spices; the use is boundless.

Same goes with holders! Just like how roles can be given to a part and have responsibilities corresponding to it, everything that can be stored somatically, emotionally, or mentally are also possible.

Now, how do E holders work?

Let's start by understanding how we experience emotions. Emotions are triggered reactions to events or stimuli in our environment. For example, we might feel surprised when a friend throws an unexpected party in our living room, or scared when faced with something intimidating.

It's important to note that all emotions are temporary, typically lasting only for a short period, often around one minute. After experiencing an emotion, we usually return to a baseline. However, if we continue to dwell on the same event or stimulus that triggered the emotion, we can prolong its duration! This phenomenon is known as the Emotional Refractory Period.

Imagine hearing a funny joke that makes you laugh. As you continue to think about the joke, you may find yourself laughing again, even more intensely than before. This is because the emotional response becomes more easily aroused with frequency, requiring less effort to elicit the same or even stronger reactions. Even if an alter cannot recall a specific memory associated with an emotion, they may still experience and hold onto that emotion, amplifying its effects.

For M holders?

Someone must be associated with the certain memory, while the rest are detached/dissociated from the specific event. These holders can hold tactile, auditory, or visual information and can range from holding mundane to emotionally charged moments. This is different from suppression, since memory holders are the ones who can hold undesired/stressful memories that others couldn't, for the system to maintain functionality.

Memory holders can form from various reasons such as the inability of other alters to accept the truth of certain events, the dissociation of traumatic memories resulting in a fragment recording the event, or the necessity to split off overwhelming experiences as a coping mechanism.

Lastly, S holders?

Well, this is more tied to epigenetics and everything chemistry related. Though it is hard to fully convey what i mean, i will try my best;

Our states can affect whole bodily functions, just like how we know stress is proven to weaken the immune system, this is similar too! Some genes are predisposed to turn on and off depending on situation and stimulus, we have special cells equipped with sensors that are tasked to scan what is happening every second, and these collected data gets transferred for the dna and other cells responsible for tweaking functions. Fancy terms like methylation and demethylation which turns it on and off.

For disorder holders this is how it works: if this mechanism can influence the activation or suppression of certain genes added from internal factors, then it is possible to shape an individual's predisposition to various mental health conditions from biological processors such as neurotransmitter activity and hormonal fluctuations to the manifestation of different states and behaviors.

Many disorders are tied to varying levels of activity in different brain regions, so this can make sense why you are not as affected, or not at all, even if you are co-fronting! There even is a lag between parts who have the disorder, when switching with another part with a different predisposition,, because our chemical messages are constantly being fired off and it chemical works by watering down with newer, updated ones.

This statement don't apply best to other lesser symptoms or pain holders, since pain holders are related to different tolerances each parts have, while the other one works similar to an E/M holder.

Takeaway

That's all for today. What did you learn after reading? Do you guys have any theories to be proven or told? Also, the terms i had mentioned on my posts are public resources, feel free to learn about them as they also did a lot of research papers for these topics!

Let me know if we need a separate post on how to care/manage for different types of holders, and if you're a holder yourself, feel free to describe what your contents and its color would be if you were to be a jar, happy monday!

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #did system #dissociative identity disorder #sysblr #plural #system stuff #jeducates

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analyticstraininghub · 2 years

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(management information system)The study of people, technology, organizations, and their relationships is known as management information systems (MIS). MIS specialists help enterprises get the most out of their people, technology, and operational procedures investments. MIS is a people-oriented sector that focuses on employing technology to deliver services. A degree in MIS might be right for you if you’re interested in technology and want to utilize it to improve people’s lives.

#How MIS Makes Business Better #How many Types of Management Information Systems #Important Significance of MIS In Industries #Benefits of management information system

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alpaca-clouds · 2 months

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Something I am thinking about a lot while I am in the hospital is how our measurements of expertise are bound so strongly to structures of power. This is not inherent to expertise - it is just how our current system handles things.

The fact that someone has a doctorate in a field of medicine does not inharently enable them on a reality level to actually treat someone, who is sick. It enables them to do so legally, yes, but not realistically.

As someone who has struggled with health related issues forever, I can tell so many stories of times, where it was not a doctor who helped me but some other person. There was a nurse once, who saved me from being poisoned by a doctor, because she realized - other than the doctor - that the doctor accidentally had prescribed me the wrong medication. And there was only two years a nurse in the psych hospital who fixed an issue with my knee that so far several different doctors had failed to fix.

Throughout my life I several times correctly diagnosed myself with medical conditions, after different doctors misdiagnosed me.

The same is happening right now as well. @g-vlssz and I correctly identified the issue plaguing me right now TWO FUCKING MONTHS ago, and my current deterioation in health could've been prevented if any of the multiple doctors who saw me during this time just gave me corticoids. But they didn't, because I do not have a medical degree. It took me six weeks to convince a doctor to just look into our suspicion - a test that any other doctor could have ordered as well.

And the only reason that nobody took it serious, despite me arguing on a medical level (like with blood lab results and stuff) why I was suspecting the thing I was suspecting. And the only reason why it was not taken seriously is, that I do not have a piece of paper by a medical institution that gives me the legal power to just prescribe myself the medication.

Self-Diagnosis is always this massively politically charged topic, especially when it comes to a plethora of disabilities. Not only will doctors often get really angry, when you bring the topic up, but a lot of non-doctors, who believe in the existing power structure will as well.

It is something that on some level does make sense intuitively. Like, sure, we do not want people to be able to prescribe themselves like morphines, I guess.

But a lot of talk also always centers around the fact, that a lot of people do simply fear cancer. So, when some varied symptoms show up, they often will jump to the conclusion of "OMG, it has to be cancer". But... like... You are aware that this happens mostly because those people end up often feeling neglected by their primary medical providers after like going to the doctor for their chronic stomach issues and do not get serious - or will not even get to see a doctor in months because the waiting lists are so long. Nobody WANTS to be sick with cancer - but if nobody looks into any causes, what information do have people to go on? It is simply a fact that cancer is one of those sicknesses with a lot of information available on it. So, when someone starts to google: "Chronic stomach ache cause" cancer will be one of the things that will come up.

I mean, the reason why both I and my friend were correctly able to identify my symptoms (not with the exact sickness but the correct type of sickness) was that I managed to get at least seen by doctors and get some blood work done - and that I simply went into it assuming that the various symptoms that showed up unrelated over the last year without a cause ever being found were connected. And one of the symptoms is something that basically only shows up with the type of sickness I have. No, I did not know that to begin with, but I googled it and other than what the anti-self-diagnosis crowd tells you, you can actually get pretty good information that way.

I have yesterday contacted a lawyer. I will talk to that lawyer later today. But I cannot help but think about not only how unfair this entire situation is to me (had the doctors given me corticoids 8 weeks ago, I never would have ended up in hospital), but also towards other people. Because right now there is a lot of healthcare money and man hours put into my case. Things that would be probably be better spend with someone, whose issue could not be fixed by just giving them a two weeks course of corticoids. Like, I am taking up room in this hospital for at least two more weeks, and by the end of it my health insurance will have paid between 30 and 40k for this. Simply because my GP was not available and nobody else would just give me the medication I needed?

#anarchism #elitism #self diagnosis #health care #bizarro world

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vampirewritesonweekends · 1 year

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'self-restraint' - Miguel O'hara X reader NSFW fanfiction

Length: 4.3k

Pairing: Miguel x Reader (I tried to keep it gender neutral)

Rating: 18+ only please, mdni

Summary: Miguel leaves his fight with an insatiable bloodlust still in his system. His options are; destroy half of headquarters in a blind fit of rage, or take this pent up aggression out on a streamy session with reader. Primal/animal instincts.

You felt a weight get up from the other side of the bed. It was still early. Far too early. You grumbled over, feeling for Miguel. ‘Mhm-?’ was all you could really manage in your half-awake effort. ‘Go back to sleep.’ He muttered quietly. He sounded tired already. ‘It’s… so early. It’s still dark out…’ You mumbled. ‘I know. I’ve got some stuff that needs taking care of.’ You felt his hand touch your hair lightly, telling you that he didn’t want to leave either. His hands were always warm. It was that warm touch that betrayed his cold exterior.

‘You need to sleep sometimes too, y’know…’ You leaned your head up into his hand. He was already showered and dressed in his suit. He’d clearly been up a while. ‘If the fate of the Multiverse didn’t depend on me… ’ He started.

‘You lose everyone with that ‘fate of the Multiverse’ spiel, Miguel…’ You laughed, trailing off into a yawn. You felt the warmth of his hand leave and soon heard the bedroom door close afterwards.

You soon drifted back to sleep, missing Miguel, but ready to enjoy a few hours of having both sides of the bed.

Miguel hadn’t slept much that night. Well really, he never slept much any night. He’d stayed up staring at the ceiling for long enough, he’d figured he may as well just get up and go to headquarters. If he was going to be awake anyway, he should just do something productive. He’d dragged himself out of the bed, careful not to wake your sleeping form. He couldn’t sleep, but you on the other hand, had no issue sleeping at any given time of day. How he envied you for that, but at least it meant that you hadn’t didn’t have so many things keeping you up at night. He sighed.

Miguel stepped on to his platform, ‘ Lyla. ’

She appeared almost instantly, darting about with far too much energy for Miguel’s liking at that time of the morning.

‘Mornin’, Miguel!’ She replied, ‘Jeez. You look rough.’ She tried to tease but he ignored her comments. He pulled up several orange screens in front of him, his dark red eyes analysing each one.

‘How many did we have last night?’ He asked, already typing on various screens. At least his coffee was almost ready.

‘Three. Jess has taken one of them, local spiders are working on the others.’ Lyla replied, sliding different screens over to Miguel to look at.

He took a long sip of the bitter coffee, ‘Do they need back up?’

‘They haven’t called for it yet. I have two spiders on hand ready for if they’re needed.’ Lyla shrugged. They were able to contact for help if needs be, or even if they just summoned her she could send someone out for them right. Miguel went back to the screen he was looking at.

‘Alright.’ He replied.

‘Peter’s sent you 36 pictures of Mayday if you want to see them.’

‘Delete them.’ He muttered into his cup. Lyla zipped over to Miguel’s ear.

‘What the magic word?’ She asked, knowing full well that he wasn’t in the mood, ‘Come on… You gotta say it.’

Miguel sighed, his eyes closing for a moment as he pinched the bridge of his nose, ' Please ...Delete them.' He couldn’t deal with thinking about all of that this morning.

Lyla swiped the message away on the orange screen in front of her, 'Okay! Done!' She replied with a shit-eating grin. Someone had to put Miguel in his place, and by god if no one else was going to do it, Lyla would.

Miguel went back to the screen that he was working on, staring blankly at the information in front of him. No one would do it if he didn’t, he told himself time and time again. He took a long sip of his coffee, the bitter taste waking him up a bit.

'Miguel? The spider on Earth-832 has just requested back-up. I’ll send one of the two on standby.'

Miguel was already putting the coordinates for the dimension into h is watch. If he wants something done right, he has learned that he should just do it himself, 'No. I'll go.'

'You sure, Miguel? You've only just-' Lyla started but was abruptly cut off by the sound of the portal opening. Miguel walked through it without saying another word. Lyla shrugged, 'Okay.'

A portal appeared in headquarters, sliced open by a set of bright red spinnerets. Miguel appeared through it, dragging an anomaly tied up with thick cords of red web. Miguel panted hard, dripping blood onto the floor with each step. He was almost on all fours, even after the fight had ended. Talons and teeth still bared.

'Lyla! Lyla!! ' He half-growled. Miguel threw the anomaly onto the ground in front of him, groaning as he launched the weight ahead of him. Lyla appeared, and then promptly moved out of way when the anomaly was thrown, ‘Have someone get this.’ The anomaly seemed as rage-filled as Miguel, angrily fighting against the red webbing that was incapacitating him. It had clearly been one hell of a fight. A disc appeared underneath the anomaly, caging him in a structure of red light.

Lyla zipped from side to side, clicking on different screens as different devices started scanning Miguel and his vitals. Miguel shooed one of the devices away.

'I’m fine , Lyla.’ He muttered, taking no notice of her concerns.

'You’re losing blood. Miguel, go to the hospital wing.’ She told him, he was always so dramatic.

Miguel ignored Lyla, already typing in his coordinates onto his watch, 'I'm going home… Contact me only in an emergency.'

'You need medical attention. I'll have someone come here-' She started but was promptly cut off.

'If anyone asks for me, tell them I died.' With that, Miguel disappeared back through the portal that had appeared in headquarters.

'Okay.' She shrugged nonchalantly. She hovered over the anomaly, zipping around him, guess she was left to clean up his mess as per usual.

You eventually rolled yourself out of bed at 9.30am. It wasn’t like you had much to do today anyway. You had just planned to give the apartment a clean and sort through some of the stuff you had brought over from your dimension. It had been a difficult thing for Miguel to live with some again, so you didn’t want to rush him all at once.

You thought of Miguel at Headquarters, gripping his coffee and pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration as another anomaly or stupid prank tested his patience. Miguel struggled to take a joke nowadays, but you couldn’t exactly blame him for it. If you worked all day, everyday with people who thought they were the stand up comedian of the team, you were sure you’d lose it too.

You’d passed most of the morning doing nothing in particular. The apartment was clean by 12.30pm, since Miguel was pretty good at keeping things tidy in the first place, so there wasn’t much to clean anyway. The only time the tidiness tended to slip was if you were both out of the apartment house for days on end. You didn’t technically live with Miguel yet, but you were in the slow process of moving in, so you liked to try and keep on top of things since he was always out at work.

So you’d run yourself a bath, determined to do nothing else with your day except for maybe watch some TV and cook dinner for the both of you once Miguel had returned home that evening.

You wondered what sort of day Miguel was having. You pictured him standing in line at the cafeteria around about now, choosing between the lesser of two evils when it came to what he was gonna eat that day. Little did you know, you were also on the menu.

Just as you were dry and dressed, you heard a portal opening in the living room.

‘Home already?’ You asked, getting up from the bed. You walked into the living room, expecting to see Miguel exhausted on the sofa.

You weren’t quite prepared for the sight before you, Miguel looked like an animal. He was bent over, panting heavily, his eyes bright red, and his fangs bared. One of his hands clawed at his side, which was still dripping blood onto the floor. His head snapped in your direction, and he was immediately towering over you.

‘Oh my god, Miguel! you’re bleedi- Ah! ’ You were cut off by Miguel crashing his lips against yours. He backed you up against the hallway wall, gripping at your jaw to tilt your face up towards him. He wasn’t usually so rough. His hands were grabbing at your hips, your waist, your ass. He could concentrate enough to retract his talons to touch you, which you were very grateful for. You lost yourself in his kiss, literally taking your breath away. Your bottom lip grazed up against his fangs and produced a small bead of blood, a subtle reminder that Miguel wasn’t entirely human. Sometimes that fact escaped you, but you were very aware of it right now.

He pulled back, letting you gasp for breath. It was the first time you’d gotten a proper look at him. Miguel was frantic . He was still high on bloodlust, eating away what was remaining of his humanity in that moment.

‘Miguel! You’re hurt, let me patch you-’ You started, but was promptly cut off.

‘Ignore it.’ He snapped, ‘I need to…’ He half-panted, his breath hot on your neck. He pressed rough kisses against your skin. He scrunched his eyes shut, desperate to continue. Miguel was already so close to giving in to his animal instincts, and you had no intention of stopping him if this was the outlet he needed.

‘I know… It’s okay.’ You nodded. Miguel didn’t wait for further approval. His lips found yours again just as your hands found their way into his hair. You ran your fingers through his dark locks, pulling gently. You traced your hands along his neck, down his shoulders, and along his back, reaching down to palm him through his suit. He was already hard. Miguel bucked his hips against your hand, needing more.

Breaking the kiss, you slid down the wall and dropped to your knees in front of him. You watched as Miguel’s spider-suit dematerialised, freeing his erection. You swallowed at the sight, half-wishing you had been given a chance to flex your jaw before this. You knew Miguel was big , but it still intimidated you to know you needed to take all of him.

Miguel couldn’t wait any longer, pressing his tip to your lips. You knew how desperate he must have been, since he never usually let himself finish first. He always took care of your needs before his own, so you knew somewhere in his consciousness that he would be feeling pretty selfish to be using you like this. Once again, not that you minded. You opened your mouth for him, taking him one inch at a time. It was no small feat. He pushed his dick all the way into your mouth to the point you were beginning to gag around it, and then held it there for a few seconds. He hissed slightly as he reached the back of your throat.

‘Fuck…’ He groaned. You massaged him with one hand, and held onto his hips with another, guiding him to find a rhythm that you could adjust to.

Miguel started to pick up the pace, throwing his head back as he let out sighs and groans whenever he hit the back of your throat. You gagged around him. It was uncomfortable having his cock in your mouth all at once, but you’d live. Hopefully. Miguel pushed himself into your throat again and again, the back of your head hitting off of the wall with each thrust. Miguel began pushing you away with his hips and then grabbing you by the hair to roughly pull your mouth back onto him.

‘Ugh… ’ He groaned. It was taking every ounce of his self-restraint to not take you then and there against the wall. He lost all sense of himself and grabbed your own head with both hands, using it to fuck himself with, ‘Yeah… Don’t fucking stop.’

Soon, the taste of salty pre-cum pooled over your tongue, coupled by the erratic nature of his thrusts, so it was obvious he was starting to get close. You could see the breathlessness on his face as he started to sweat a little. He looked upwards, as though he was praying for something. Miguel’s rabid movements got more aggressive as he started to groan, grabbing your head with both hands so he could fuck your throat more easily. You wiped the spit from your chin and Miguel took the opportunity to grab both of your wrists in his hand, pinning them above your head.

‘Shit…’ He muttered. Miguel thrust again, and you felt his hot cum slide down your throat. He forced you all the way down onto his shaft as he came, burying himself in you to prolong his high. You looked up at him, his eyes scrunched together in concentration as he rode out his orgasm, still fucking your mouth through it. You choked around him, your jaw aching from the overuse. Miguel pulled out of your throat and you gasped for breath. You breathed heavily, spluttering and wiping the tears from down your cheeks.

Miguel barely gave you a minute to collect yourself before he scooped you up off the floor and threw you over one of his huge shoulders.

'M-Miguel?' You asked, a bit confused as to what was happening.

'I'm not finished with you.' That was all Miguel said as he carried you through the apartment towards the bedroom.

Once you were in the bedroom, you were dropped onto the bed unceremoniously. Miguel's large hands were already grabbing at you, eager to relieve you of your clothes. He yanked your bottoms and underwear off, half tearing them in the process. You looked up at the looming figure above you, feeling exactly like a prey animal unable to escape their hunter. In a way, you were his prey. Miguel was still filled with bloodlust, and he had been unable to satiate it any other way than taking it out on you, one way or another. You figured that this was most definitely better than destroying half of headquarters in his rage.

You reached a hand towards him, to try to touch the bruises and wounds he had gotten in his fight, but he beat you to it and crashed his lips against yours once again. You tasted a little bit of blood on his tongue, it must have been a nasty fight for Miguel to be so banged up. You reminded yourself to scold him later on for not seeing to his injuries before coming to find you.

He roughly kissed along your jaw, trailing down onto your neck. He left a flutter of violet love-bites in his wake, a physical manifestation of his desperation in that moment. His hand was shaking slightly; trying to find the concentration to keep his claws retracted while touching you. Miguel must have decided that it was too much effort to pull your t-shirt over your head, so ripped straight through it. You were about to complain, but the feeling of his fingers finding their way in between your legs took any coherent thought that you might have had away.

‘Mhm…’ You breathed out, already so willing to melt against him and offer him everything. The sight of him looming over you like that, just like a beast, was almost too much for you to bear. Your thighs were shaking already. All that you cared about in that moment was the feeling of his fingers roughly exploring your folds and rubbing up against your clit, ‘Fuck- Miguel… You feel so good.’

Miguel kissed your bare chest, leaving goosebumps wherever he touched. He worked his way down and pushing your legs apart to make enough room for him. You gasped when you felt his lips press against your thighs, and then groaned when you felt his fangs. You waited, breathless in anticipation for when he’d finally touch you again. Surprisingly, you instead felt a sharp pain pierce into your skin.

‘Ah!’ You tried to sit up and see what had happened, but Miguel pushed you back down onto the bed. Immediately, the area started to tingle and numb

‘Just- Just stay still.’ Miguel retracted his fangs into his mouth. You felt his venom crawling from the bite mark and spreading through your leg and upwards through your body. It was fact-acting, and you were damn glad that it wasn’t lethal. Instead of your neck, his mouth now left those same dark love bites on your thighs, holding them in a vice grip on either side of his head so that you couldn’t squirm away from him. Not that you could, even if you wanted to, Miguel had made sure of that. He looked up from between your thighs, a wild look in his eye, daring you to even try to move away.

Miguel grabbed each thigh and began to get worked up again, losing himself to the sight of you spread for him.

‘Did you fully bite me- Ah!’ but you barely got to the end of the sentence before his tongue was exploring your folds. You made it known whenever he brushed up against your clit, choking out his name in broken sighs until he focused all of his attention on it and sending your oversensitive nerves to heaven and back. He was rough, forceful, and fast, but he knew exactly what he was doing to you. Miguel had always been a gentleman, and made sure that you’d finished first before he fucked you. He was clearly trying to continue that, but it was testing the limits of his self-restraint to not already be inside of you.

After a few minutes, his fingers entered you pressing up against your walls with the same rhythm he was licking at your clit with and verging on the edge of overstimulation. With concentrated effort, you managed to throw your hands into his hair, grabbing at his dark locks while you needed something to hold onto. You knew it spurred him on to have his hair pulled, even if he complained about it occasionally, but you knew he liked it nonetheless. As if on command, he groaned into you as you pulled his head closer to you. Miguel smothered you with kisses, burying his face exactly where you needed it to be.

‘A-ah….’ You moaned, craving his fingers to move harder, faster. Miguel knew your body well by that point, and could tell that you were needing more. Miguel’s fingers began to pick up their almost ruthless pace as he busied his mouth with overstimulating you. It didn’t take long for Miguel to drive you right to the edge with the pressure in your abdomen building quickly. He groaned against you, desperate to get you off and already hard again. He could tell how close you were as you started to tighten around his fingers. ‘I’m gonn…’ You moaned, ‘Fuck…Ah!’

The pressure that had been building so quickly inside of you suddenly snapped. Overwhelming sensation wracked your body as Miguel continued to pleasure you through your high.You threw your arms back onto the bed, panting. You tried to move away from Miguel’s face, the overstimulation continuing all the way through your orgasm. However, you found that Miguel’s venom was still affecting your legs so you couldn’t get away from his mouth; resulting in you being completely at Miguel’s mercy while his pace had not slowed down. He didn’t torture you like this for too long thankfully, he needed to be inside of you again as quickly as you needed him to be. He pulled his fingers out of you and at once you mourned the loss of them.

Miguel leaned over you, as breathless as you were. He held your legs and wrapped them around his waist, then lined his tip up against your entrance. Your legs were slightly too numb to use on your own, but you’d mastered use of your arms again; they’d just tingle slightly for a while. You cupped his jaw with both hands, gazing into his hungry face. There was undeniably lust in his eyes, but also a prominent need to hunt his prey and find an outlet for the animal instincts that had taken over him.

‘You’re… so difficult to restrain myself around, mi vida.’ He sighed, his breathing ragged and desperate.

‘Then don’t…’ You whispered in his ear, pulling him closer. Miguel couldn’t wait any longer and started to thrust slowly into you. He tried to be as patient as possible since he knew it wasn’t easy to take his length. His wild lips found yours in an instant, distracting you from the slight wince of pain as you adjusted to his size. You nodded when you were ready for him to start moving, and Miguel did not waste a single moment after that.

He started slower to let you get used to him and quickly picked up the pace. Miguel’s fingers were nothing in comparison to his cock. He pushed yout thighs further apart so that he could thrust harder.

This position let him hit you at a different, deeper angle and it made you entirely unable to process anything other than letting out cries and moans after every thrust. He pounded into you again and again, it was clear that Miguel was getting closer because his pace was growing uneven and frantic, desperate to find his own orgasm inside you.

Hearing him groan so loudly was wonderful, it felt like a drug, with him being able to lose control like that pushed you closer and closer to your own high. You heard each time his breath caught in his throat, and how he would hiss whenever he would hit you at a new angle.

He was an animal, wild and erratic. You figured you ought to be lucky that his DNA wasn't crossed with one of those spiders that eat their mate after fucking them.You knew that Miguel didn’t like completely losing himself, letting those primal instincts take over any remaining logical part of his brain. He’d probably beat himself up afterwards for using you like this but at this point, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop even if he tried.

‘¿Te gusta eso? Beg me for it. ’ He teased, watching for your reactions.

‘Please…’ You muttered, trying to piece a coherent thought together as he pounded into you again and again and pushed you closer to the edge once more.

‘ Louder.’ He growled, something raw from deep in his throat. It barely sounded like the Miguel you knew at that point.

‘Please… Miguel-’ You cried, utterly mindless for anything except for the sensation of him inside of you. It didn’t take much of this before the pressure inside you snapped and you cried out his name in pleasure. Of course, Miguel didn’t stop and continued to fuck you all the way though your orgasm because he hadn’t cum yet and was still a wild animal chasing his own satisfaction. The way your walls were squeezing and fluttering drove him feral and nearly made him finish inside of you, but he wasn’t ready to let go just yet, he needed more of you. He was struggling to hold himself together and you heard his talons tear into the fabric of your bedsheets, unable to concentrate on retracting them. He managed to hold on to his own orgasm until yours had finished, and then he continued fucking you.

Miguel continued groaning as he got closer, relishing in the remnants of your high. He threw his head back, gazing down at you. He wanted to look at your face before he came inside of you.

‘F-Fuck! ’ He choked out, ‘Dios mío-!’ Miguel leaned down to kiss you as he came, moaning into your mouth and filling you instantly. You felt his fangs graze against your bottom lip, threatening to pierce the soft skin. You didn’t care. You didn’t care about anything other than the ruthless thrusting of the man between your legs.

A litany of broken Spanish mumbled into your ear, Miguel too lost in his high to remember a single word of English. His muttering then eventually turned into soft whimpers as he came down from climax. Miguel pulled out of you and collapsed down onto the bed, sighing as he caught his breath. You rolled over to lay on his chest, panting beside him.

Your legs would need a little bit of time to recover before you could go and get cleaned up, but you knew Miguel would at least help you to the bathroom since it was his fault that you couldn’t really walk in the first place. It was quiet for a moment, the only sound in the room was the sound of laboured breathing.

‘Feel better?’ You laughed, seeing how much he had calmed down now that he had released that pent up aggression.

‘Are you… hurt?’ Miguel asked eventually, not wanting to look at the bruised bite mark that he had made on your inner thigh. He should have had more self-restraint than that, he didn’t like losing himself like that. His eyes fell onto your arms, where he hadn’t realised he was squeezing so tight, or how dark the love-bites on your neck were. If he had been able to hold himself back even a fraction , you wouldn’t have been bitten and bruised. You pressed a kiss onto his shoulder and reached a shaky hand up to his face.

‘I love all of you, Miguel, don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m fine.’ You leaned up to press a chaste kiss onto the corner of his mouth. You knew he was sorry about it, even though you didn’t really need him to say it. You had thoroughly enjoyed yourself. You poked a bruise that had formed on his abdomen, ‘Come on, you need bandaging up.’

#miguel o'hara #Miguel o'hara X reader #miguel x reader #miguel x you #spiderman 2099 #miguel x y/n #miguel o'hara fanfiction

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thehomelybrewster · 8 months

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Skills in D&D History

This is really just a brief "rant" post, but I like skills in D&D. They are a way characters can use their ability scores more precisely, especially out of combat. This post won't go into details on how skills "worked" in each edition, just an overview what skills entailed.

Skills have been around since the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons days, however they've changed drastically. First of all, in AD&D 1e, they were an optional rule, called "Non-weapon Proficiencies", and weren't around until supplements like Oriental Adventures (yes, really), Dungeoneer's Survival Guide, and Wilderness Survival Guide added them piecemeal, with lists appropriate for that type of adventure.

They were also incredibly granular: For example Oriental Adventures includes the skills "sailing craft" and "small water craft" as separate skills. Also available were "flower arranging" and "landscape gardening", "fire building", and "silk maker". Note the last one, a lot of times tool usage was the same mechanic as skills.

In Revised AD&D 2e, there were 64 skills listed in the Player's Handbook, with some limited to certain classes. They were also very granular, like AD&D 1e had them. For example it differentiates between "animal lore" and "animal training", or "local history" and "ancient history". It also includes tools as being part of the list of available skills, such as "gem cutting" or "bowyer/flechter" or "cobbling".

In 3.5e, the amount of skills in the Player's Handbook dropped to 34. Still a massive number, but manageable. Some are really recognizable, such as "perform", or "survival", or "handle animal". Some are however very specific still! "listen", "spot", "search", "appraise", "decipher"... All of these would be part of Perception or Investigation in 5e. Tools were gone from skills, made a separate mechanic.

In 4e, the amount of skills dropped to fifteen, one less than 5e's skill system. Missing are Animal Handling (handled by "nature"), Investigation (handled mostly by "perception"), and Survival... Which is handled mostly by "nature" (foraging) and "perception" (tracking). But also by a skill called "dungeoneering", which handles dungeon navigation and foraging, as well as aberration lore! Also noteworthy is the existence of the "streetwise" skill, which handles information gathering in settlements, something often handled by Investigation or Persuasion checks at 5e tables.

Pathfinder 2e, D&D's cousin, also has fifteen skills, by the way. Well, fourteen and then the MANY lore skills, which handle both tool proficiencies (together with "crafting") and History. "society" and "occultism" are unique to Pathfinder, with "society" handling etiquette, urban exploration, and similar things. And "occultism" is it's own beast, since it also serves as one of the four magic types in the game.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this knowledge with you all. In case you ever wondered if D&D 5e could use more or fewer than sixteen skills!

#thehomelybrewster #dungeons and dragons #dnd 5e #rant tag #5e rant #dnd skills #ttrpg design

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blogthebooklover · 5 months

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30 Things I Learned As An Adult

In honor of me turning 30 in January, I’ve decided to write out a list of 30 things I learned as an adult. Now, some of these worked for me through trial and error, while others did not.

1. Self Care Is Important

I cannot stress this enough. We all need to practice self care, to take time for ourselves. It takes baby steps to find a good self-care routine, and there’s plenty of online resources to find one to your tastes. Remember it is all about trial and error, and don’t worry about perfecting it right away. Research some different self care routines online as a starting point.

2. Read Books, Not Fanfiction

Okay, don’t get me wrong, I do love reading some good ole fanfiction, and current events. However, definitely pick up a book once in a while. Whether it’s a graphic novel, comics, manga, please develop a reading habit. It definitely helped me out a lot as a former college dropout, there are reading lists on sites like Goodreads, here on Tumblr, even colleges have lists what books students are required to read. And it does help with expanding your knowledge and vocabulary. As I’ve previously said, I’m a former college dropout who’s currently back in school, however, developing a healthy reading habit is what kept me grounded. If you need a starting point, I recommend reading a fiction book, preferably in the SciFi/Fantasy genre; or reread a book from your childhood. Also, PLEASE GET A LIBRARY CARD! You’ll definitely be saving a lot of money, and we need to support our public libraries now more than ever.

3. Say “No” More Often

If you don’t feel comfortable going out, or if your manager calls and asks to cover a shift, just say “no.” Remember, you have the power to set boundaries, especially with family, friends, and work. This correlates to number 1 on my list, self care is super important, and you cannot put your health at risk for anyone. I’m going to repeat that last part: SELF CARE IS SUPER IMPORTANT, AND YOU CANNOT PUT YOUR HEALTH AT RISK FOR ANYONE!

4. Register To Vote, And Vote In Every Election

With politics being so polarized and divisive in the past decade, and the upcoming 2024 US Presidential Election, please register to vote. And voter suppression has been very rampant in the past two, arguably three, decades. To anyone about to turn 18 here in the US, please register to vote ASAP! And vote in every goddamn election, both national and local. I seriously cannot stress this enough.

5. Eat Healthy, No Seriously

I love some fast food once in a while now, however, please take some time to learn about healthy eating. It will catch up with you in the future, and our US healthcare system is already fucked as all hell. I know the rising costs of everything, including food, is insane right now; but please keep informed about how to prepare good healthy food.

6. Take Breaks From Current Events, Social Media, and the Internet

This also correlates with number one. While it is very important to stay informed with what is happening in the world/country of origin; especially with the US Presidential Election year. Remember, it’s okay to take breaks from reading too much news, and scrolling through social media feeds. It really does have an effect on your mental health, and unfortunately too many people tend to fall down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole on all sides of the political spectrum. To the teenagers and young adults, take breaks and focus on your mental health and well-being. To the adults, read the previous sentence. With everything so polarizing, take care of yourself first.

7. High School Friends DO NOT LAST!

My friends from high school and early college years were definitely the “ride and die” type of friends, metaphorically speaking. If you have that one friend who was/is the “give the shirt off their back” type, check in on them once in a while. However, with the former, just move on. The friends I had in high school definitely had a lot of childhood trauma, and in one aspect, I’m glad that they were honest about it; it was/is a way to heal. However, any “friend” who just doesn’t want to better themselves and use you for any convenience, DUMP THEM AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT! Remember just as you set boundaries with your toxic family members, and even for your job, you should do the same with friends.

8. Change Jobs, ASAP!

This is a very important one. I didn’t really have a job as a teenager, I wanted to enjoy being a kid for a little longer, however, I did have an occasional babysitting job. At 23 years old, I got a job at a fast food place. While I do appreciate part of the experience, like how to use the “customer service” voice, however, any red flags that pop up in your head, change jobs, ASAP! It was toxic, too political (for some weird reason) and a lot of drama (and not from the teenagers). The grocery store I work at now does have its busy times, however, it’s much more calmer, and I don’t see too many “Karen” types.

9. Declutter More Often

This is also a definite must as you get older. Whatever you don’t need anymore, donate them. Whatever is completely broken, throw it away! Whatever it is that is in good condition, sell it or maybe give it to someone as a birthday/holiday present. Any old makeup, throw it away! It’ll help reduce the amount of clutter and mess. If you need a starting point, I suggest the KonMari method. It really did help me out a lot.

10. Use A Planner

This is a life-and-time saver. Write down any appointments, cleaning days, paydays, bill charges, etc.; into a physical planner. If you’re in college, please use one! And write down any assignments to work on/turn in BEFORE the deadline. Also, anything important, put into your calendar app on your phone and laptop as a reminder.

11. Have A Skin Care Routine

Okay, I know having a skin care routine isn’t for everyone, and we all have different reactions to skin care products; however, don’t be afraid to experiment with a good skin care routine. In my early teen years, I used Proactiv skin care for my acne, and it helped out a lot. Remember: cleanse, tone, any serum of your choice, and moisturize. This also helps out if you don’t feel like jumping into the shower. Also, use sunscreen, seriously.

12. Don’t Get Married, Until You’re Ready

This is coming from someone who is single, lol. If you plan on getting married to your romantic partner, I’m proud of you! Marriage is about communication, being honest, and doing equal amount of work (finances, household chores, etc.) Save money if you’re planning for a wedding, or go to your local courthouse to get a marriage license if you don’t want the big, fancy reception.

13. Don’t Have Kids, Until You’re Ready

Again, this is coming from someone who is single and childless, lol. Having kids is a lot of work: physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. Not everyone is capable of being a parent, and I have read PLENTY of posts on here and other websites about toxic parents/parenting styles. Take time and think about if you’re ready to become a parent.

14. Learn How To Budget Your Money

This is for anyone of any age out there. Please learn how to budget your spending. Look for stuff on sale or clearance, or cut back on certain types of spending. I know most people have no idea where to start, but there is! There’s some great websites and YouTube channels on how to budget your money. Another great tool to use are spreadsheets like Microsoft Excel or Google Sheets. I use a Google Sheet template to help track my spending and budget my finances. Also, if you have gift cards from your birthday/holidays/etc; definitely use them, you won't be breaking your bank account :). Also, definitely have some paper cash in your wallet for emergency use.

15. Open A Savings/Emergency Funds Account, ASAP!

This is a huge one to have as an adult, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic. Anything left over from paying the bills, from a side hustle, or from your tax returns, put that into savings. Certain banks will also have the option of creating “financial goals” in savings accounts; so I highly recommend using that as well. This also correlates with number 14. If you’re interested, open two or three savings accounts, the last one should only be for emergency funds.

16. Get A Physical Hobby, AKA Exercise!

It doesn’t matter what type of exercise you do, please do it! And for anyone who is physically disabled, there are modified options provided on YouTube. We do lose certain motor functions as we age, so definitely pick an exercise that’s right for you, as they say. Even if it's just going outside for a walk for 30 minutes, please do some type of exercise.

17. Learn How To Meal Prep

It doesn’t have to be for every meal of every day, pick a meal you want to make and prepare ahead of time. And prepare that meal the day before, so it will be on hand when you leave your house. There are some great videos on YouTube, and some ideas from Pinterest if you need a starting point.

18. If You’re Able To, Go To The Dentist!

Seriously though, try and go for a checkup/teeth cleaning. You’re only given one set of teeth after all your baby teeth fall out, and you need to take good care of them. If you’re able to, or live near to one, local colleges have free cleanings through their dental training programs.

19. If Your Job Offers a 401K, GET ON IT NOW!

My old job at a fast food restaurant didn’t have retirement benefits, but my current grocery store job does. I jumped on it right away, even if it’s not the job I want right now. And it’s a good starting point to have some money saved up for retirement. If you leave the job that has a 401k, you can do what's called a rollover. This will put the money that was set into the first retirement fund into another one; you can do this with your bank or if your new job has a 401k.

20. If You Don’t Have Health Insurance, Sign Up With The State, or Through Your Job.

In my experience, I have insurance through the state at the moment. If your job offers health insurance as well, jump on it right away, even if it’s not the job you want, it’ll be a starting point that correlates with number 19.

21. It’s Okay To Not Go To College

This is coming from someone who was a college dropout at 19, and currently back in school. If you don’t feel ready to go to college, that’s okay too. College is very expensive, especially here in the US, and not everyone can get a scholarship, even if they did apply for a lot of them. Maybe get a part-time job or two (for some income), explore some hobbies you enjoy, and take some time to think about some goals.

22. If You’re In College, It’s Okay To Stay At Home

Again, coming from a former college dropout, I stayed at home while attending a nearby community college in another state. However, out-of-state tuition and housing is also very expensive. If you have a good relationship with your parents, and if you’re going to school in-state, talk to them about staying home while going to school. If you don’t, then talk to a trusted friend or family member about getting an apartment together that isn’t on-site housing while you’re attending school.

23. Watch Non-English Language Movies

If you’re a movie lover like me, take some time to watch some foreign language films once in a while; and I know we anime fans do, lol. To be honest, it does get very boring watching English language films all the time, whether from the States, England, or Canada. Watching foreign language movies will definitely help you to understand the world a lot better, if you don’t have the means for traveling yet; and they will help you to understand that no matter where we live, we all have similar issues, hopes, dreams, etc. If you need a starting point, I recommend any of the Studio Ghibli movies, I would start with Kiki’s Delivery Service; or Guillermo del Toro’s Pan’s Labyrinth.

24. SET BOUNDARIES

Remember: toxic family members and friends are not worth it. You are worthy and valid for love and respect. This correlates to number 7. This is also very useful in the workplace.

25. Express Yourself Through Fashion

Like everyone else, I feel most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt myself; however sometimes I like to dress up just for fun, or to build up my self esteem and image. This also helps when learning to pair an accessory with an outfit. Play around with different color palettes and clothing styles, and find the one you feel the most “you.” For example, I’ve always looked my best in jewel tones and a cooler color palette. Read some fashion articles or watch some YouTube videos about how to pick out an outfit.

26. It Is Not Selfish To Prioritize Yourself

This correlates with number 3. I have noticed it’s mostly a Western/American/Christian culture norm, we’re always told to take care of others before taking care of ourselves; or we’re selfish for prioritizing ourselves over others. It is not selfish, it is part of self care. Again, this is tied in with number 24.

27. Failing and Making Mistakes Is Part of Growing

There is so much societal pressure on trying to be successful in life and work, especially in the Western/American hemisphere. However, making mistakes and failing at something is part of growing, and learning as an individual.

28. It's Okay to Not Have a Label to Define Yourself

Hear me out. I understand the use of labels in society and culture in general; everyone wants to belong somewhere and feel accepted. However, it is okay to not have a label to define who you are, and who you want/choose to be. Take all the time you need to figure out what's best for you. And sometimes people don't realize a label will fit them until they are much older in life. Or they couldn't at the time.

29. Don't Compare, You'll Get There

We are human, and we all have the tendency to compare ourselves to others. Unfortunately, this doesn't end after high school and college. And that needs to seriously change, especially in the Western/American hemisphere. Simply writing down "don't compare, you'll get there" is a great reminder to have for yourself. Everyone learns and grows at their own pace.

30. It Really Is The Little Things That Keep Us Going

When life seems to get too hard, it really is the little things that keep us going. Whether it is something as simple as someone holding a door open for you, or someone complimenting* you on your outfit or your work ethic; those moments are the ones that matter the most. Remember those moments, hold on to them.

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