#I do prefer happy songs over sad though

[steddieas-shegoes]

i'm glad i get forever to see where you end

check all tags on and read if you prefer on ao3

rated e, minors dni

happy birthday to my wife in all but law, @messessentialist. this whole idea came out of nowhere and then just kept growing and growing, much like my love for you. anytime you're ready to live our rv life dreams, i'm ready.

i'm not gonna post any links here, but just know i had 8 tabs open of different fish and birds that can be seen in and around indiana lakes. i didn't have a particular lake in mind, but there are plenty to choose from so if it matters to you, i mostly looked at lakes in the northeast and northwest area of indiana.

title is lyrics from forever by noah kahan, which is a song you should absolutely listen to if you haven't before.

this work is for sadie. if she is the only one who reads this, then that's all that matters to me.

//////////////////////////////////////////

🎣🎣🎣🎣🎣

He stares down at the paper in his hands. He thought he’d feel relief, maybe a tiny bit of happiness that he’d never admit to. He even considered that he might feel a small speck of sadness the day his brother died.

But all Wayne Munson feels right now is disbelief and anger, and he doesn’t know where to hide it before Eddie gets home.

“God damn idiot. Couldn’t even have the decency to die of old age. Had to go and get killed behind bars,” Wayne mutters under his breath as he folds the paper and slips it back into the envelope, hoping that keeping it out of sight might help him come to terms with the emotions flooding his chest. “Bullshit.”

Wayne is tired. He feels exhaustion in his bones, even in his fresh retirement.

For some, retirement is a time to reflect on the life you’ve lived and experience the things you couldn’t while you worked and raised a family. For others, retirement never happens at all.

For Wayne, retirement is a reminder that he almost lost his nephew, his son, and the government had to make sure he wouldn’t say a damn thing about how.

He knows he shouldn’t complain, but damn he sure would like to.

And now he has to figure out a way to tell Eddie that his father got killed in prison. The letter doesn’t say much, just that it was violent and the person responsible for his death is facing further consequences. As if Wayne cares about that. As if it helps explain this situation to a boy who already lost enough.

He sighs as he grabs a beer from the fridge and glances at the clock. Eddie should be home soon. He can’t hold onto this for too long; The news will get out soon enough and he’ll hear it from somewhere else, somewhere who won’t take the time to see what Eddie needs.

He takes a sip of the beer, then another, hoping the next taste of the bitter hops will help him decipher what he needs to say to Eddie.

It’s almost a blessing that Eddie doesn’t arrive home for another hour, giving Wayne time to finish his beer and get started on dinner.

Wayne is already prepared to ask Steve to head out tonight instead of linger, using the excuse of making sure Eddie doesn’t need anything before he goes. Usually Wayne finds it endearing, and hopes Eddie can see what’s so obvious there, but not tonight.

But Steve doesn’t walk in with Eddie.

Eddie’s humming something when he walks in, setting his cane against the table before sitting down in a chair and looking at Wayne with a smile.

“Hey, Wayne. How’s your day been?”

Wayne knows he’s about to ruin Eddie’s day at the very least and he’s not sure if he wants that task. He silently curses Al Munson again, wishing for someone to show up and say it was a mistake just so he doesn’t have to do this.

“Oh, boring. Ya know I hate retirement,” Wayne says as he brushes off the stress, tries to figure out a way to lead in to the news naturally. “Too much time on my hands.”

“You love fishing, though. Thought that’s where you went all morning.”

Wayne nodded. “You’re right about that. Guess I just like keeping my mind busy.”

He’s met with silence, which leads him to looking over to the table, where Eddie is staring at the envelope the letter came in.

Why did he leave it out in the open like that? It’s clearly marked from the prison.

“What’s this?” Eddie asks, always curious to the point of danger. “Dad get out?”

This was one of the worst things Wayne ever had to do and that’s saying something. Vietnam wasn’t for the weak, losing the love of his life nearly killed him, and seeing Eddie in a hospital bed after just barely escaping death is something he’d feel deep in his chest for years. But this was up there.

“No, son,” Wayne sighed, turning away from the pot on the stove. Beef stew and bread with butter was one of Eddie’s favorites, but it took a lot of work. That didn’t matter as much as making sure Eddie had support. “They sent a letter to let me know your dad passed away.”

Eddie didn’t look away from the letter. He was playing with the rings on his fingers, replaced by Steve the moment he realized they were missing in the hospital.

“Did they say how?” Eddie finally asked, still not looking up at Wayne.

“They just said another inmate was responsible. I don’t know any details. I’m sorry, Ed. Really sorry.”

And he is. Despite the fact that Al was a terrible father and made Eddie’s life harder than it should have ever been, he knows Eddie must have a lot of complicated emotions.

“Welp!” Eddie claps his hands on his thighs before finally looking back up at Wayne. “Guess that’s that.”

“It…is?” Wayne is trying to watch for any sign of discomfort or sadness, maybe anger. He sees none.

“Yeah. Not like I’ve really had him around to feel much of a loss.” Eddie smiles. It’s not fake, at least not according to Wayne’s judgment. “You’ve been my dad more than he ever was.”

Wayne feels warmth spreading in his chest at the thought of Eddie seeing him as his parent. It makes sense, but he’s never outright said something. Sure, he gave him Father’s Day cards, often handmade. And yeah, he braved a fishing trip every year for Wayne’s birthday because he knew it meant a lot to him. There was that one time he’d called him Dad when he was on morphine in the hospital.

Hearing it changes something in Wayne.

“You really feel that way, kid?” Wayne asks, sitting down at the table across from Eddie.

“Yeah. I kinda thought you knew that already.”

“Guess it’s nice to hear anyway.”

They don’t say anything else. They don’t need to.

A few minutes goes by before Wayne stands up and walks over to the stew, giving it a stir and taking a spoonful out to test the carrots and beef.

“Is that beef stew?” Eddie asks as the scent hits him.

“Sure is.”

“You were worried about how this was gonna go, huh?” Eddie teases, smirk evident in his voice.

“A little. Can’t blame me, can ya?” Wayne decides it’s done and turns off the stove. He’s grabbing two bowls from the cabinet when the front door opens.

“You forgot the meds!” Steve yells as he runs into their kitchen with a bottle of prescription pills in his hand. He freezes when he sees Wayne dishing out stew. “Sorry. Uh. Am I interrupting?”

Wayne laughs around a sigh, reaching up to grab a third bowl.

“No, have a seat, son. Just gettin’ ready to eat.”

Eddie stands and limps his way to Steve, taking the pill bottle to pocket it before he leans further in his space.

“I’m an orphan!”

Steve’s jaw drops and Wayne does all he can not to laugh. It’s not funny, and he knows that Eddie’s probably not processing the news properly yet, but he’d rather laugh than cry.

“Sorry, what?”

“My dad’s dead. The biological one in prison. Rest in peace to the man who gave me, like, two useful skills and musical talent.” Eddie is still leaning into Steve’s space and Wayne’s watching, waiting.

“I’m sorry, Eddie, that sucks.”

“Nah, it sucks that he was such a shitty dad I barely even feel sad that he’s dead.” Ah, there it is. That’s why he’s doing better than Wayne expected. “I’ve got Wayne.”

“Damn right,” Wayne adds as he pulls spoons out of the drawer. “Let’s eat.”

Steve seems lost for a moment as he looks between Wayne and Eddie, unsure what else to say in this admittedly strange situation.

He finally grabs two bowls off the counter and sets them in his and Eddie’s spots at the table.

“Let’s eat.”

- - -

Two days pass before it really hits Eddie.

Wayne’s been waiting.

Nothing major happens. Eddie doesn’t break down in tears or lash out in anger. He doesn’t even mention saying goodbye in some way.

“We should go on a trip.” He says to Wayne while they’re eating breakfast.

“What kinda trip?” Wayne asks without looking up from his newspaper.

“Camping. Or maybe cabin-ing. Somewhere with walls and running water.” Eddie sounds breathless, like he’s run a marathon. Wayne finally looks up and sees the look in his eyes. “Could go fishing and roast marshmallows and swim and stuff. Like that one time.”

He’s talking about the trip they took together a few months after he moved in permanently. His mama was gone and his dad was sitting in jail waiting for sentencing on an armed robbery turned homicide. Wayne wanted to get Eddie’s mind off everything before he had to go back to school, so he took him up to a friend’s cabin at the lake for a few days.

Eddie’s never been an outside person, but they had fun there.

It was the first time Wayne felt like Eddie was his.

It may have been the first time Eddie felt safe with Wayne, too.

“I could see if that cabin’s available. My buddy doesn’t rent it out much anymore so I’m sure he’d be fine with us using it.”

“Could Steve come?”

“Sure.”

He agrees without a second thought.

This is Eddie’s way of seeking comfort in the people he has left, he can see it from a mile away. If Eddie needs Steve to come with them, it’s no skin off Wayne’s back.

Plus, Wayne can recognize how badly Steve needs to relax. He can’t believe someone as young as him walks with so much tension in his shoulders and lines on his forehead.

“Sweet. He’s never been fishing,” Eddie explains. “Or hiking in the right side up. At least not proper hiking. I guess we aren’t really doing proper hiking. I’m wearing jeans. Can’t be real hiking.”

Wayne smiles down at the sports section of the paper, nodding and humming in agreement when Eddie recommends something else for their trip.

- - -

Steve tries insisting on taking his car as his contribution to the weekend, but Wayne tells him they need the space in his truck for all their gear. It occurs to him when Steve just blinks back at him that Eddie didn’t explain how much is actually involved in all this.

But Wayne takes the time to show him some of the stuff he already has packed in the bed of his truck.

“I thought we were staying in a cabin. Why do we have a tent?” Steve sounds nervous when he asks.

“It’s not a full tent. Just a canopy to hang up to protect us from the sun if we get caught up somewhere during our hike.”

“Hike?” Steve turns towards the trailer, glaring at Eddie, who is too busy trying to figure out which of his sneakers to wear to notice. “He didn’t say anything about hiking. I don’t have boots or, or, anything!”

Wayne grabs Steve’s shoulders, looks him in the eye, and lets out a laugh.

“Do ya think Eddie would agree to go on a hike that requires special boots?” Wayne shakes his head. “Don’t think I could bribe him to go on anything but an easy trail unless that Lars guy from Metallica was at the end of it.”

“So I’ll be fine in my Nikes?” Steve clarifies.

“Better than.” Wayne turns back to the truck bed. “I grabbed an extra pole for ya, but it’s a bit short. We can make it work, though.”

Steve stares at everything piled into the truck. Wayne stares at Steve.

He can’t read him quite like he can read Eddie, not yet, but he’s got a feeling that Steve’s overwhelmed by the effort. Wayne doesn’t know much about his upbringing, but he can imagine it was pretty lonely what with his parents being gone more than they were home.

He’s certain Richard Harrington wouldn’t even know how to cast a line, let alone catch a fish.

“Wayne! Should I just bring both?” Eddie’s standing barefoot on the top step of the deck, holding two pairs of sneakers up.

“Sure, Ed.” Wayne looks down at his bare feet and wrinkles his nose. “Don’t forget your socks.”

“Does he do that a lot?” Steve asks, still staring at everything in the truck.

“Not so much anymore. When he’s got a lot on his mind, though, he forgets little stuff. Socks, underwear, eating.” Wayne could go on, but he’s pretty sure Eddie will kill him if he does. “He’s excited for this trip so it probably isn’t at the front of his mind.”

“Right, yeah. I noticed that.” Steve finally looks at Wayne, small smile on his face. Fond, Wayne would say. “He was so caught up on picking up the kids for game night, he forgot the games.”

“Sounds like our boy,” Wayne said, waiting for any kind of negative reaction from Steve at his words.

But Steve’s smile grew, his cheeks flushing a light pink. He looked over at where Eddie had been standing moments ago, and Wayne watches him.

“Steve, I feel like-“

“Wayne! We forgot hot dogs!” Eddie calls from inside the trailer, front door wide open allowing him to see Eddie’s movement by the fridge. “And buns!”

Steve looks back at Wayne. “I can run and get some while you finish up here.”

“I already grabbed them. Check that red cooler and the bag next to it,” Wayne gestured towards three coolers along the side of the truck bed. “He wasn’t payin’ attention when I told him I was packin’ everything.”

“Not surprising.”

“We got it all Ed! Throw your bag in and let’s go!” Wayne calls towards the trailer. “He’s gonna throw a fit about ridin’ in the middle, but that’s what he gets for bein’ a bean pole.”

Steve snorts as he walks over to open the passenger door. “He’ll live.”

Wayne thinks Steve’s gonna fit right in.

- - -

The cabin is off the beaten path. It’s actually off of all paths. They’re lucky that Wayne’s friend visited recently to clear bushes and trees away so they could get to it.

Forest surrounds it on three sides, the lake is in the back.

It’s quiet, an escape for all of them, but especially for Eddie. Whatever thoughts are trying to cloud Eddie’s mind might just float away in the fresh air if he manages to relax enough.

They unload the truck efficiently, bringing everything inside except the fishing equipment, which stays on the front porch so Wayne can load it on the boat before nightfall. He doesn’t bother locking his truck up; There’s no one around for two miles at least.

Steve’s loading things into the fridge and Eddie’s…

“Where’s Ed?” Wayne asks as he grabs his duffel bag to bring to one of the bedrooms.

“Said he wanted to see how cold the water is,” Steve shrugs, shoving the beer to the side so he can make room for Eddie’s Mountain Dew. “Told him it’s probably not that cold since it’s August.”

“Anything less than boiling is too cold for that one,” Wayne chuckles. “I’ll go load the boat.”

He goes out the back door, immediately locating Eddie at the water’s edge. At least he didn’t go far. He was a bit of a flight risk at the best of times and these weren’t really the best of times.

His shoes and socks are off, sitting in the mix of sand and rocks that make up the shoreline. The rocks are smooth, worn down over thousands of years of water and animals and people. Perfect for skipping across the top of the water, splashes disrupting the calm of a lake with few visitors this close to the end of summer.

Wayne showed Eddie how to skip rocks years ago, not on this lake, but a much smaller one that they’d visited for the day the summer before he started high school. It took him about 100 tries before he got it, but when he did, he’d beamed back at Wayne, proud of himself for possibly the first time in his life.

But he’s not skipping rocks now. He’s standing at the shoreline, where the small waves break against the sand, staring out at the horizon. Wayne is tempted to leave him be, but he can’t.

He walks up behind him, makes sure to clear his throat so he isn’t completely startled when Wayne stops right where the water stops. It licks right at the toes of his boots, but they’re his work ones, steel-toe.

Eddie turns and gives him a small smile.

“Sorry, just wanted to dip my feet in.” Eddie apologizes as if Wayne would care that he’s already finding solace in the solitude of the lake.

“Stay out here as long as you want, kid. You okay?” Wayne watches as Eddie’s hands curl into fists and then relax against his thighs.

“Yeah. Thanks for bringing me out here. I’ll help load the boat,” Eddie offers, already turning towards Wayne fully and taking a step out of the water. Wayne holds his hand up to stop him. “What?”

“I got it. You can help pack the cooler in the mornin’.”

Eddie shrugs and turns back to the lake.

Wayne watches him for another minute, silent so he doesn’t disturb whatever thoughts are brewing in Eddie’s head.

As he walks back to the porch to grab the tackle boxes and poles for the boat, he sees Steve watching Eddie out the kitchen window, concerned frown and furrowed brow on his face.

Steve doesn’t notice him.

- - -

The first night is Wayne making dinner while Steve and Eddie argue over which side of the queen sized bed they’re sleeping on. He can’t help but laugh at how quickly it went from calmly suggesting the other person sleeps on the window side to personal insults.

When he hears Eddie say something about Steve’s hair being too big, he shouts for them to join him.

Dinner is relatively peaceful considering the warzone that was their shared bedroom moments before sitting down to eat. Everyone enjoys the chicken and green beans Wayne cooked, barely leaving any for leftovers. They talk about their plans for the morning, and Steve offers to clean up after they eat so Wayne can have an early night.

It’s kind of him, but he already knows their arguing is just gonna wake him up if they haven’t settled on the bed issue.

“How about you take turns sleepin’ by the window?” Wayne asks before agreeing to an early bedtime. “That way it’s fair.”

“But who has to sleep there tonight?” Eddie asks, sticking his tongue out at Steve.

“Rock, paper, scissors?”

“That’s stupid.”

Wayne raises his brow at Eddie’s crossed arms. “Draw straws then.”

“We don’t have straws.” Steve looks around the kitchen, trying to find something they can use in place of straws, but fails. “It’s fine. I’ll take the window.”

Wayne can tell he doesn’t want to, and he’s pretty sure he can guess why neither of them is thrilled with sleeping directly under a window that looks out into a dense forest, but Steve’s a self-sacrificial kind of guy. That’s been clear for as long as Wayne’s known him.

He also knows that Eddie, even as stubborn as he is, wouldn’t let a friend feel uncomfortable.

“I’ll take it tonight.” Eddie offers.

“No, it’s okay. I can take it.”

Wayne rolls his eyes. “Y’all will argue over anything.”

Steve and Eddie both turn to him with matching grins. “Mhm.” They agree in unison.

“Eddie takes window tonight,” Wayne says. “Steve can have it tomorrow night. Whoever catches the biggest fish this weekend gets to pick on the last night.”

“Sounds fair,” Steve nods, turning to Eddie to see if he agrees.

“Sure. Fair.” Eddie stands and starts clearing the drinks from the table.

Wayne decides to leave before he gets dragged into a new disagreement. He’s only got so much patience.

He’s not surprised to hear them go out the back door after the sun sets, voices quiet, but still audible through Wayne’s open bedroom window.

They don’t go far, just past the porch, about halfway to the water.

“You know, my dad would never have done anything like this with me,” Steve states, only a small hint of bitterness in his tone. “He didn’t believe in bonding time or whatever. Thought that was for fathers and sons who didn’t have a family business to maintain.”

“My dad never did either.” Eddie says back, and Wayne’s heart stops in his chest. “Probably couldn’t have stayed sober enough to make the drive to a place like this.”

Wayne waits for Steve to say something, anything. He waits for so long, he’s tempted to look out the window and see if he can see them under the light of the moon.

“Your dad didn’t deserve you,” Steve finally says, quieter than they’d been before, like he didn’t want to disrupt the quiet night with his words. “And you deserved better than him.”

“I had Wayne eventually. I have Wayne now.” Eddie replies just as quietly. “And you do too, ya know.”

Wayne isn’t much of a crier. He’s only done it a handful of times. But Eddie’s words make his eyes well up and his throat burn.

“He barely knows me,” Steve tries to argue.

“He knows enough. You were there for the worst of my shit. You still stick around. You’re here right now even though you could’ve turned down his invitation.” Eddie sounds like he’s holding back tears now. “If you mean a lot to me, you mean a lot to Wayne. You’ll just have to get used to it.”

Wayne wishes he could be a part of this conversation, or at least be able to see them both. He’s respecting their space as much as he can, though. He’s laying in his bed and biting back tears the way any respectful uncle would.

“I’m not used to meaning so much to someone.”

Wayne isn’t sure he hears him right, his voice breaking halfway through, but Steve couldn’t have said anything else.

He should stop listening. This is turning into something else entirely, he thinks. He shouldn’t hear whatever Eddie says next.

“You mean everything to me.”

Wayne closes his eyes, holds his breath, hopes that if Steve takes it the way he knows Eddie means it, that this doesn’t turn into a real fight. He hopes that Steve’s reaction is kind, even if it’s not what Eddie wants.

Wayne’s almost grateful that he can’t hear what Steve says next. Whether it’s rude or loving, he doesn’t want to be a part of this moment like this. He can’t close his window, they’d hear it. He can’t leave his room, he’ll just be in view when they come back inside.

He waits one minute, two, three. He hears a twig snap and then quiet giggling.

He smiles to himself as he hears footsteps heading back towards the cabin.

🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸

Eddie wakes up with Steve’s arms around him and something bubbling in his chest.

Could be heartburn, or it could be the love that’s been growing inside him for months.

He remembers their conversation last night, looking up at the stars and listening to the leaves gently brushing against each other in the breeze, and he can’t help the blush on his cheeks. When Steve kissed him last night, he was pretty sure he was dreaming.

This wasn’t a dream, though.

They stayed up way too late. Eddie knew the moment he looked at the clock as they got into bed and saw 1:48 in bright red that he’d struggle today.

He could hear Wayne moving around the cabin, probably making coffee and breakfast for them since they’d need an early start for fishing. It wasn’t Eddie’s favorite thing to do, but Wayne loved it, and Eddie loved Wayne.

Steve groaned as he moved one arm above his head.

Eddie looks up at him, blushing harder when Steve’s half-lidded eyes are already looking down at him. He’s smiling, cocky if Eddie’s reading him right.

“Sleep okay?” Steve’s sleep-raspy voice asks, fingers gliding across Eddie’s upper arm in unknown patterns.

“Mhm. Not long enough,” Eddie admits. “Could stay in bed.”

Steve hums in agreement before seemingly realizing that Wayne’s already up. “Don’t think we can skip out on Wayne, though.”

This is why Eddie has a hard time pushing his feelings down for Steve. He’s done this before, whether he realizes he did or not.

In the hospital, the day after he’d woken up, Steve had stopped by to bring some clothes for Wayne since he refused to leave Eddie’s side. The kids had apparently been hounding him to take them with him, but he stood his ground and told them that Eddie needed time with just Wayne right now and that he needed rest.

A few weeks later, Steve could’ve easily taken Eddie home by himself, but insisted on waiting for Wayne to get off of work to do it.

Just a week ago, Wayne had forgotten a few things at the store, and when Steve overheard him grumbling about having to make another trip, he offered to go.

That’s just who Steve is.

Eddie loves him for it.

“Yeah. He’d be so bored without me scaring the fish away with my constant humming and leg jiggling,” Eddie agrees seriously. “Wouldn’t want him to miss me.”

Steve lets out a loud laugh, and Eddie hides his pleased smile in Steve’s chest.

He can’t believe he’s doing this right now, can’t believe Steve’s arm tightens around him, pulls him closer so all he can feel and smell is Steve.

“You could just stay quiet while we fish,” Steve suggests, as if Eddie hasn’t thought of that already. “Just for a little bit.”

“That sounds boring.”

Steve pokes Eddie’s cheek with his other hand. Eddie nips at his fingertip before Steve can pull away. They both laugh.

It’s easy.

A knock on the door interrupts the casual cuddling, but Eddie knows it’s not because Steve’s ashamed to be caught with him like that. Steve isn’t used to this being okay.

“You boys up?” Wayne’s voice is barely muffled through the door, something Eddie notes for later.

“Yeah!” Eddie calls back, though he probably didn’t need to speak more than normal volume.

Steve is tense below him. Eddie hates that.

He tries to soothe him by running his hand along his side, memorizing the bumps of his scars, keeping his breathing even so Steve would calm down. Wayne wouldn’t walk in without Eddie telling him he could, but Steve must’ve assumed he didn’t respect his space that much.

“Breakfast is done. Just made eggs and toast.” Wayne knocks once more on the door before they can hear his footsteps walking back to the kitchen.

Steve relaxes and sighs.

“You don’t have to do that.” Eddie still traces along the scar on his hip. “Wayne’s cool.”

“I know.” Steve goes to sit up, but Eddie holds him down. “Eddie, I know. It’s okay. I didn’t mean to react like that.”

“There’s a price to pay before you get up.”

Steve snorts. “And what’s that?”

“A kiss.”

Steve kisses the top of Eddie’s head.

“Unfortunately, I won’t be accepting that form of payment.”

Steve’s hand cups Eddie’s cheek, thumb rubbing slowly as he guides his face up to look at him. Eddie hopes he can’t feel the heat on his skin, but the odds aren’t great.

“One kiss.”

“Only one?” Eddie pouts.

“Don’t wanna get carried away when we’re supposed to be getting up.” Steve leans in until his breath is hot against Eddie’s lips. “So one kiss and then you let me leave so we can go fishing with your uncle.”

“Fine.” Eddie can’t help smiling into the kiss. It’s quicker than he wants, but it’s perfect. When Steve pulls away, Eddie groans and falls flat on his back. “What if we fake sick?”

“You’re ridiculous,” Steve laughs as he gets out of bed and tries to get changed into regular clothes.

Eddie watches him, can’t wipe the smile off his face as Steve nearly trips over his own pant leg. He doesn’t even care if Steve catches him looking, not anymore.

He gets to look now.

After Eddie’s confession last night, after their first kiss, and the second and third, and talking for two hours by the water, it was pretty obvious that they were skipping over that new relationship awkwardness. Eddie hadn’t quite said he loved Steve, and Steve hadn’t said it either, but actions spoke louder than words. The way they couldn’t stop touching, the way Steve looked at Eddie while he talked about his most recent adventure with Dustin, the way Eddie watched Steve throw rocks as far as he could into the depths of the lake, it was all love.

“If you keep looking at me like that, I’m never leaving this room.” Steve is looking at him as he buttons his jeans and Eddie is considering sending Wayne on his own.

He waited months for this, but now it felt like waiting another hour was too much.

“Looking at you like what?” Eddie asks innocently.

“Like you wanna eat me.”

“Well…” Eddie wiggles his eyebrows and taps the bed. “I could eat breakfast in bed if you get back in it.”

Steve walks over to the bed, leans over Eddie, gets close enough to nip at his top lip.

“Get out of bed.” He presses a quick kiss to Eddie’s lips before walking to the door. He leaves it open as he leaves the room without looking back.

Eddie curses Steve’s ability to get him to do anything, and reluctantly gets out of bed. He throws on his shorts, a tank top, and ties his bandana in his hair so he doesn’t have to worry about it sticking to his forehead.

When he gets to the kitchen, Wayne and Steve are staring out the window and whispering.

“I didn’t think we’d see a marsh hawk. Population’s been down for the last decade,” Wayne’s saying as Eddie walks up on his other side. “I’ve only seen one before and that was during a trip to Lake Michigan when I was 14 or 15.”

Eddie looks out the window, trying to see what they see. He’s not sure what a marsh hawk looks like, but he’s assuming it’s one of the birds in the nearby trees.

Steve wordlessly points it out to him.

“That’s a cool bird.” Eddie says at a normal volume. The bird spreads its wings out, acting as if it might take off. It’s beautiful, the white along its beak and chest a stunning contrast to its dark brown wings.

“It’s good luck to see one in some cases,” Wayne whispers as he turns away from the window. “Seeing one on your wedding day is supposed to lead to a long and happy marriage.”

“Too bad no one’s getting married here today,” Eddie remarks as he grabs a plate and starts to scoop eggs onto it.

“Not married. But still good luck,” Steve mutters as he follows Eddie. “So we just have to grab the cooler on our way out?”

Wayne nods. “And the bait.”

“I thought we used plastic stuff.”

“We use lures, but we put worms on there to get the fish to actually bite,” Wayne explains. “I’ve got plenty of stuff for bass, but I dunno how lucky we’ll be.”

Eddie nods along as he takes a huge bite of toast. “One time we forgot worms and had to use hot dogs.”

“Fish eat hot dogs?” Steve asks in surprise.

“Some fish settle for hot dogs. They don’t quite realize ‘til it’s too late that it ain’t their food,” Wayne shrugs. “But we got plenty of worms for this trip. Should be perfect fishing conditions.”

They all ate in silence after that, but Eddie could feel Steve’s nerves building the closer they all got to clean plates.

Steve didn’t have to say it for Eddie to know he desperately wanted to impress Wayne, especially now that they were…something. They probably needed to clarify exactly what they were at some point soon. They would. Eventually. Tonight maybe.

Or tomorrow.

“I’ll clean up if you boys wanna finish getting ready.” Wayne offered as he scraped the last of his eggs onto his fork.

Eddie took him up on his offer, jumping up to go brush his teeth and get his sneakers on.

“You comin’?” He asks Steve, who’s still slowly eating the eggs he drenched in ketchup.

“Just a second,” Steve replies with his mouth full. “You can use the bathroom first.”

Eddie nods and leaves the room.

He hears the sink in the kitchen running a few seconds later, and the hushed voices of Wayne and Steve having a whispered conversation. He could sneak back, try to listen in, but he thinks that maybe Steve needs this minute alone with him.

He finishes what he needs to do quickly, though, and admittedly sneaks back towards the kitchen quieter than he normally would, hoping to overhear something interesting.

But all he walks into is Steve laughing as Wayne smiles back.

Eddie doesn’t find that he minds much, as long as they’re both happy.

🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸

Being on the boat is different as an adult.

The last time Eddie fished with Wayne on a boat, he was barely shoulder height on him and 100 pounds soaking wet. It was a much smaller boat, though, barely fit two grown adults comfortably.

This boat, however, was built for a family of at least four adults. The awning covered half of the boat, so Eddie didn’t have to sit in direct sunlight when the sun finally rose.

Steve stood to the side, watching Wayne prep the lures and bait, casting his own line out and reeling it in until it was taut. Eddie went next, making a show of it just like he always did. Wayne doesn’t comment, just shakes his head and smiles fondly as he watches the water.

“Um,” Steve starts. “I guess it’s my turn.”

Eddie’s pretty sure Wayne knows Steve’s nervous. It’s hard not to tell with how quiet he’s been the entire ride to the middle of the lake.

Wayne sets his pole in the stand at the stern, and turns to Steve with his hands on his hips. “You saw how I cast mine?”

Steve nods, but doesn’t look sure. Eddie’s not really used to seeing Steve anything less than confident, even in the face of monsters.

It hits him the moment he thinks about monsters.

They’re on a lake. A lake very similar, though much larger, to the same lake that almost dragged Steve to his death. A lake he’d previously trusted, and no longer could.

Eddie doesn’t say anything, just subtly places his hand against Steve’s hip, offering whatever comfort he can. Steve won’t admit he’s scared, but Eddie doesn’t need him to.

Wayne sees it, Eddie knows he does. But because he’s the best uncle, he doesn’t say anything.

He raises a brow and then schools his features back to a comforting smile before showing Steve how to hold the pole so he can cast it comfortably and far enough out that movements from the boat don’t scare the fish from the hook.

Eddie watches, and he sees the nerves slowly easing from Steve’s shoulders, his forehead, and his arms. He relaxes inch by inch, and Eddie couldn’t be more in love.

Wayne steps back so Steve can cast his line.

When the bobber hits the water, Wayne smiles and pats his shoulder. “Good job, son. Now reel it in a bit so you can feel if something bites. Good. Now we just wait.”

Steve turns red at the praise and Eddie realizes that Steve probably hasn’t heard a “good job” from an adult in a very, very long time.

Eddie’s childhood was fucked, but at least Wayne was there cheering him on, showing him what it meant to be proud of your kid eventually. He’s pretty sure Steve hasn’t had that for most of his life.

“How long do we wait?” Steve asks after a few minutes.

The lake is near silent, and the water is so smooth it looks like glass. If Eddie leaned over, he’d probably be able to see his reflection. The gentle lapping of water on the side of the boat and the distant sound of birds in the trees lining the water’s edge fills the air.

“I usually give it 10 or 15 minutes before reeling it in. Check my bait, maybe change the lure if there’s no bites.” Wayne’s watching the end of Steve’s line as he speaks. “I used bass lures on all of ours, but we might change them up in a minute. See what else is out there.”

Steve nods and turns back.

Wayne doesn’t take his eyes off of Steve’s bobber.

Eddie watches Wayne curiously.

Anytime he’s fished with Wayne, he’s left Eddie to his own devices after showing him what to do. He watches his own line, and only steps in to help if Eddie catches something and doesn’t wanna touch the fish.

Wayne’s eyes widen just as Steve exclaims, “Hey! Look!”

“Reel it in!” Wayne shouts, setting his pole down again and rushing to stand next to Steve.

Eddie turns and watches as Steve reels in whatever he’s caught. Judging by the bend in the pole, it’s a decent sized fish.

“Shit, what if it breaks?” Steve asks, voice shaking with the effort of trying to reel in the fish before it escapes.

“It won’t. Keep going.”

When they manage to get the fish out of the water and into the boat, Steve is breathless.

“Look at that!” Wayne holds up the line, right above where the hook is caught in the fish’s mouth, beaming at Steve. “Our boy got himself a king salmon!”

Ignoring his mention of “our” boy, Eddie steps closer and grips Steve’s shoulder, shaking him just enough to make the boat rock.

“How can you tell?” Steve asks Wayne, reaching out to hold the fish up himself.

“You see all these black spots on his back and fins?” Wayne points at a few of the spots. “Other salmon don’t have this many spots or any at all. You keepin’ him or throwin’ him back?”

Steve looks at Eddie, smile falling as he suddenly looks unsure about what the right thing to do is. Before Eddie can say anything, Wayne wraps his arm around Steve’s shoulders.

“Either is fine with me. Could cook him up for supper if you wanna keep him or send him back to his friends with a new piercing.” Wayne looks over at Eddie. “Eddie ain’t much for seafood, but I make a mean baked salmon.”

Steve nods. “Yeah, think I’ll keep this one.”

Wayne pats his shoulder again before showing him how to unhook the fish safely. He opens up the empty cooler he brought and places the fish inside.

Wayne moves to grab the bait so Steve can set up again, and while his back is turned, Eddie takes a chance.

He leans over and kisses the corner of Steve’s mouth.

“You’re a natural,” Eddie whispers as he leans away again.

“Shut up.” Steve is blushing that same pretty pink that he was last night and earlier this morning. Eddie can’t look away. “Just lucky.”

Wayne catches two rainbow trout and Eddie manages to catch a small northern pike, which quickly gets thrown back when Eddie starts to make up a story about how it’s a teenager who got separated from its parents. Wayne shakes his head as Eddie carries on, but he’s used to it. Eddie never keeps his catch if he’s lucky enough to have one.

They relax as the day warms up, popping open cans of soda as the sun gets closer to the middle of the sky. It’s not about fishing anymore; It’s about soaking up the tranquility of their surroundings.

Eddie isn’t known for being still or quiet, but even he can let himself enjoy this. Every day since March has been about survival, and appointments, and witness statements, and lawyers, and moving, and the kids. He feels like he’s barely even had time to think.

So while he sits on this boat with two of his favorite people, he thinks.

He thinks about how different his life is now, and how different it could still be.

He thinks about how much Wayne has sacrificed for him for most of his life, but especially the last five months.

He thinks about how much he wants to tell Steve he loves him.

He thinks he’ll tell him tonight.

📼📼📼📼📼

Steve sits on the porch while Wayne cleans the fish, staying a good distance away so he doesn’t end up seeing things that’ll make him wish he left the poor salmon in the lake. Eddie’s inside doing god knows what.

He’s never been happier.

He does wish Robin could be here, but she hates the outdoors. She didn’t even like going on her family’s beach trip last month.

Plus, he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have been able to have the alone time he needed with Eddie last night if she were here. Even though she’s been telling him to just talk to him for the last three months, she wouldn’t have caught on to his plan.

Feeling this much for Eddie isn’t new.

After the events of spring break, Steve took a long, hard look at high school and realized that at least part of the reason he was always staring at Eddie was because he was very interested. He started looking for any excuse to stick around in Eddie’s hospital room, and then offered to take him to appointments, and it continued from there.

Now, they hang out almost every day. Sometimes it’s with the kids, sometimes with Robin, sometimes alone.

Steve realizes that even before they kissed and fell asleep holding each other and flirted as much as possible all day, this was the best relationship he’s ever had. He needs to tell Eddie as soon as they’re alone.

“All done,” Wayne says as he steps onto the porch, the container of cleaned fish in his hand. “You ready to learn the secret to makin’ the best fish?”

Steve is quick to nod, excited that Wayne thinks he’s even worth the time it’ll take to show him. Wayne’s been so kind this entire trip, making sure Steve is involved and welcomed, makes him feel like he belongs in their little family.

As Wayne grabs everything they’ll need, Steve sees Eddie through their bedroom door, writing in a journal, tongue poking between his lips as he concentrates. Steve’s never seen this journal, but he can assume it’s another one of his many already filled with songs and campaign ideas.

“You done starin’ at Ed?” Wayne’s voice is quiet behind him, but still makes him jump with surprise.

“Wasn’t staring at him. Thought I saw a…um…bug?” Steve knows he’s been caught halfway through trying to lie, so he moves on. “Ready?”

“Are you?” Wayne raises a brow and smirks.

“Yes!” Steve puts his hands on his hips. “What are you implying?”

“Mostly that you’re too in love with my nephew to focus on what I’m sayin’.”

Steve feels heat in his cheeks, but he chooses to ignore it and pretend that he can distract Wayne from what he’s saying.

“So we’re frying your fish and baking my salmon?” Steve starts holding up some of the spices Wayne’s set out on the counter. He can feel Wayne’s eyes on him. “Looks like you like spice.”

“Steve.” Wayne sighs. “It’s okay to feel however you feel. I ain’t gonna judge.”

“Right. Yeah.” Steve turns to finally look at Wayne, who looks sad. He shouldn’t look sad right now.

“Eddie ever tell ya about Paul?” Wayne starts filling one pan with oil and the other with a few small pads of butter.

Steve shakes his head, watching closely.

“Paul was my boyfriend when Ed first came to live with me.”

Steve’s eyes widen as that hits him.

“Woulda been my husband had we been able to be married.” Wayne starts mixing flour, salt, and pepper in a bowl while he talks. “He was a long haul truck driver. Gone for weeks at a time. Stayed with me when he passed through. Came home one day to Eddie asleep in the bed we usually shared and asked if I’d been up to something.”

Wayne smiles fondly down at the bowl of eggs, buttermilk, lemon juice, and garlic he’d started mixing together as he spoke.

“Told him everything. Expected him to call it quits. He didn’t sign up for raising a troubled kid, especially not one who may not be okay with what we had.” Wayne stops and looks up at Steve. “But he just hugged me and said he’d follow my lead. Whatever was best for Ed was what was best for us. Ain’t sure I could ever find a love like that again.”

Steve can feel tears trying to form in his eyes, but he manages to bite them back. He’s pretty sure he knows where this is going, but he listens without interrupting.

“Ed didn’t take too well to him at first. Probably ‘cause he was in and out so much, didn’t get time to bond with him like I did. Paul was patient. Always so patient with both of us.” Wayne shakes his head and looks down at the counter before he looks up smiling again. “Ed came out to Paul first, ya know? When he was 13. He’d gone on a short haul with him over the summer and when they came back, they were thick as thieves. Paul told me that night that Ed had told him he liked boys and it changed their entire relationship. I was Uncle Wayne, but Paul was like a dad to him. Definitely more than his own dad ever was.”

Wayne looked over to check that Eddie was still in the bedroom, distracted by his writing.

“Paul started taking short hauls instead of long ones. Only gone three or four days at a time instead of 14-20. Thought it was so he could be close to Ed, since we’d kinda become our own little family.”

Steve realizes he’s holding his breath when Wayne sniffs.

“He’d gotten sick and didn’t tell us. Started out thinkin’ it was pneumonia, but it got worse. Doctor thought it was heart problems, but it was everywhere. Leukemia. Untreatable by the time they figured it out.”

Steve’s wrapping his arms around Wayne before he even realizes he’s doing it, letting the tears fall as he thinks about how much pain Wayne and Eddie must’ve gone through to lose someone so important to them.

“Ed was barely 14 when he passed. I think he took it harder than me.”

Steve can’t even imagine. Wayne lost someone he loved, but Eddie lost a father figure after losing his real father to things he should never have had to compete with. And now Eddie’s father was really dead.

All he really has is Wayne.

“Kid shaved his head in solidarity when Paul lost what little hair he had left,” Wayne huffs a wet laugh as they pull away from each other. “Couldn’t believe it when I got home from work and they were both bald as cue balls. Thought they’d lost it.”

Steve and Wayne are both laughing, and it’s probably going to draw Eddie’s attention, but he kinda hopes it does. He could use Eddie’s closeness right now. He needs to see that he’s okay, that this didn’t completely destroy him, that he went on anyway.

But all Eddie does is yell at them to keep it down, which just makes them laugh harder.

“And you never dated anyone else?” Steve asks as Wayne starts putting his fishin the egg mixture. “Not even for fun?”

“Nah. Once Paul was gone, I had to work more to pay the bills. What little time I had was spent with Ed. He was my priority, always.”

Steve wipes the tears from his cheeks as he watches Wayne drop the fish into the hot oil.

“What about now?” Eddie was busy with his own life now, and they’d received enough money from the government to cover their new trailer and have plenty leftover to cover bills. Wayne was retired and had plenty of time to start dating again.

“I got lucky with Paul. It ain’t fair to compare any future relationship to what we had and I think that’s all I’d do. I’m happy the way things are for now.”

Steve drops it for now, but he makes a note to ask Eddie about it soon. He’s surprised Eddie never mentioned Paul, or even the fact that Wayne was gay, especially when he came out to Steve and Robin while he was still in the hospital.

Wayne goes on to explain how long he keeps the fish in the oil before flipping them to make sure the cooking is even, and how putting them onto paper towels to cool drains too much of the grease.

As Steve watches him prep the salmon with a glaze he made from garlic, honey, and lemon juice, Eddie finally comes out of the bedroom.

“Smells like fish,” he says with a grin.

“That’d be the fish.” Wayne doesn’t even bother looking over at him as he leans against the counter. “Salmon is already a tender fish, so you can bake it to whatever you prefer. It should only take about 10 minutes on 400 unless you like it extra crispy, then you may wanna do it for 13 minutes.”

“Chef Wayne teaching you everything you need to know?” Eddie asks Steve, stepping close enough for Steve to feel the heat coming from his body.

“He’s pretty talented. Might need to consider opening a restaurant,” Steve teases.

“Wait ‘til you have his steak. So tender you could cut it with a spoon.”

“Don’t know what you’re after with your compliments, but I’d rather ya just ask for it.” Wayne checked the clock as he closed the oven door.

“I was just bein’ nice!” Eddie exclaims, throwing his arms up in frustration. Steve never noticed how Eddie’s accent changes the more time he spends around Wayne, but he smiles to himself when it slips now. “See if I give ya a compliment again, old man.”

Steve watches as they banter back and forth some more, both of them smiling and laughing the entire time.

It’s nothing like what Steve was used to. His parents never bantered, only fought. Anything that was big enough for discussion, was big enough to yell about. As Steve got older, he learned that staying quiet and letting them get it out would usually turn out better for him. Luckily, once he reached middle school, they didn’t bother coming home enough for him to worry about what to do when they were arguing.

He doesn’t remember a time when there was fun and laughter between them, not even when he was a young child. He can remember his mom dancing with him while his dad was gone on business trips, but the moment he arrived home, the air became thick with tension and her attitude became somber. He remembers one time when his dad let him sit on his desk while he worked, making paper airplanes and having a competition to see how far they could fly, but the moment the phone rang, he was hissing a ‘get out’ with no explanation for the abrupt stop to the fun.

Steve couldn’t imagine talking to either of his parents the way Eddie talks to Wayne, but he also couldn’t imagine receiving the love from them that Wayne so easily gives to Eddie.

And now that he knows another piece of their story, he can see how they’ve come to be like this, comfortable with each other in ways many kids never are with their parents.

Steve’s mind continues to wander throughout dinner, but no one calls him out on it. Maybe Wayne somehow communicated with Eddie that they’d had a serious conversation. Maybe it was just obvious that Steve was far away from the table. Eddie and Wayne chattered as they ate, and Steve let the constant echoes of their voices be the background noise to his thoughts.

“Stevie?” Eddie’s hand touched his cheek, shaking him out of the path he was lost on. “Wayne’s gonna take a walk. You wanna go?”

Steve smiles up at Eddie before looking down at his plate. He barely remembers eating, but he only has a few small pieces of salmon left.

“Sounds good.”

Eddie looks concerned, but Steve brushes him off. He looks around, and when he doesn’t see Wayne in the room with them, turns his face so he can kiss Eddie’s palm.

“Should we grab the bug spray?” Steve asks as he stands, pushing in his chair and grabbing his plate off the table to wash it.

“Wayne’s got it outside. Think he put enough on for all of us,” Eddie follows close behind Steve. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Just thinking.”

“About?”

“A lot.” Steve brushes it off so they can join Wayne. “Ready?”

Eddie nods and leads the way out of the cabin.

They ate an early dinner, so the sun is still high in the sky as they make their way down a trail that follows the lake’s edge. Eddie occasionally gets distracted by colorful rocks, holding them up excitedly for Steve and Wayne to acknowledge.

Steve knows the love he has for Eddie is written all over his face.

He doesn’t care to hide it.

Wayne’s quiet as they walk, occasionally pointing out a fish splashing in the distance or a heron standing in the water. He swats a mosquito away from Steve’s face, only for the mosquito to turn around and bite his hand. Eddie’s far too busy climbing over fallen limbs and branches of trees to notice what they’re doing.

“You boys should go for a swim when we get back. Water’s cool.” Wayne makes the suggestion without looking at Steve, who suddenly feels like he’s being studied under a microscope.

“Not sure if Eddie even brought a swimsuit.” Steve laughs it off, hopes they can go back to silence or change the subject.

“I’m sure you boys could figure something out.”

Thankfully, the topic gets dropped and Steve is left wondering if Wayne knows.

Sure, he joked about Steve being in love with Eddie earlier, but that wasn’t a confirmation that he knew they were together. He thought they’d been careful today, but maybe Wayne caught them when they kissed by the truck when Eddie was grabbing his wallet from the glovebox.

He doesn’t have time to think about it more because Eddie lets out a yelp and they can only watch as he falls on his ass into a muddy spot between two large rocks.

“I hate the outdoors,” he grumbles as he stands.

Wayne is laughing, but Steve is rushing over to make sure he’s okay.

“Are you hurt?” Steve’s hands are hovering over him, trying to figure out if he sees any blood. “Did you hit your head?”

“I’m fine, sweetheart,” Eddie replies quietly, holding his arms out as if trying to show proof. “My dignity may be a bit bruised.”

They’re interrupted by the hooting of an owl. It’s loud enough that Wayne shushes them and starts looking around at the trees surrounding them, trying to locate the creature.

It hoots again before Wayne locates it, pointing to a tree only ten feet away and to their right.

“Wow.” Steve says as he gets a close look at it, the white and tan feathers blending into beautiful patterns. “It’s so small. I thought owls were bigger.”

Eddie’s looking up at it, smiling.

To Steve’s shock, he’s the one who responds, not Wayne.

“It’s a northern saw-whet owl. They’re closer to the size of a robin than an owl you may be thinking of.” Eddie reaches for Steve’s hand and squeezes it once before letting it drop. “Paul taught me about all kinds of owls.”

Steve’s head snaps towards him. “You heard us this morning, didn’t you?”

“You weren’t quiet,” Eddie shrugged. “I used to be obsessed with nocturnal animals. He bought me a book about bats and owls for Christmas and went through it page by page with me.”

“I remember that book,” Wayne looks at the owl while he talks. “Paul said it made him nervous to go out at night.”

Eddie laughs. “He was convinced we’d get attacked.”

Steve can’t blame him. The longer he looks at the owl’s impossibly large eyes and spread wings, the more he believes he’s being hunted.

“Ready to head back?” Wayne asks after another minute, drawing his attention away.

“Wish I had a camera like Byers. Probably could get a good picture.” Eddie says as he starts to walk back the way they came.

Steve takes note to ask Jonathan about his so he can get him one for Christmas.

When they make it back to the cabin, Wayne excuses himself to take a shower and do a crossword before bed, which leaves Steve and Eddie to fill their time however they want. Steve thinks back to Wayne’s suggestion about going for a swim, but he’s not sure Eddie would want to now that the sun’s almost set.

He’s not even sure he wants to get into the lake after dark.

But it does sound appealing, especially with the layer of damp sweat coating his skin from their walk. And there is a light on the dock that would make it easier to at least see each other.

“Wanna go for a swim?” Steve asks Eddie as he sips on a soda.

“Now?” Eddie looks out the window in the kitchen, frowning at the darkness looming.

“Now.”

“It’s dark.”

“We can turn on the light at the dock. C’mon. Just a quick dip,” Steve nudges his shoulder as he starts walking to the back door, fully dressed.

“You’re not gonna change?” Eddie asks in disbelief.

“Don’t plan on wearing my clothes in.” Steve winks as he leaves, knowing Eddie will follow him even if he’s hesitant to do so.

Within seconds, the back door is closing and Eddie is on his heels.

“Are we seriously skinny dipping in the lake while my uncle is here?” Eddie hisses out, hand covering Steve’s forearm.

“I’m skinny dipping. You can do whatever you want,” Steve responds. “But I wouldn’t complain if you joined me.”

Eddie huffs beside him, but still follows him the rest of the way to the water’s edge. The light has a covered power switch to their right, but now that they’re in an open area by the water, they realize the moon is pretty bright.

Steve starts stripping off his shirt, then his shoes and socks. Eddie watches, probably trying to decide if he’s gonna join him or go back inside and pretend Steve isn’t naked in the water. When Steve pulls his pants off, Eddie sighs and starts untying his boots.

“Can’t believe you have me getting into another lake. Wasn’t the first time enough?” Eddie’s grumbling loud enough for Steve to hear, but quiet enough that Steve only catches every couple of words and has to use context clues for the rest. He can’t hold back a smile when he shoves his underwear down and leaves them on top of his pile of clothes.

Eddie is still grumbling as he removes his own clothes, enough that he’s distracting himself from realizing Steve’s already naked and waiting for him.

When he looks up, his eyes widen and his jaw drops open.

“You’re gonna catch flies like that,” Steve steps closer as he speaks, feeling more nervous than he expected to. “Probably should get in so the mosquitos don’t get us.”

“Right.” Eddie shakes his head, closing his eyes so he can focus. “Yes. Let’s get in.”

Steve grabs his hand and walks them both to the water. The water is chilly, but not uncomfortably cold. He knows in the next few weeks, the temperature will drop enough at night to cause the lake to be freezing cold. But right now, it’s perfect.

Being here with Eddie is perfect.

Eddie breathes out slowly as they keep walking further in, squeezing Steve’s hand.

“All good?” Steve asks when they’re waist deep.

“Yep. All good. How uh…how far do you wanna go?” Eddie’s looking out at what little they can see of the lake, even with the moonlight glistening off the tiny waves of the lake.

“Just a little more.”

Steve doesn’t take Eddie’s trust for granted here, knows that he’s asking a lot of him.

When the water is just below his collarbone, he stops.

Eddie is tense next to him, but doesn’t seem to be panicking.

“Okay?” Steve asks.

Eddie looks around and then settles back on Steve. “I’m okay.”

Something about the way he says it makes Steve pause, though.

“You can let it out if you need to, baby,” he offers. He’s not sure what it is specifically that makes him think Eddie’s on the edge of tears, but he wants to give him the chance to cry. “I’m right here.”

Eddie doesn’t sob, or cry, or do anything for a minute. They’re both looking out at the dark lake and the moon above, listening to crickets and a gentle breeze in the leaves of the trees nearby. Eddie’s breathing just stops for a few seconds and that’s all the warning Steve gets before he’s sniffling and talking.

“My dad was a piece of shit,” he starts. Steve is gonna follow his lead, and listen, and let Eddie tell him whatever he wants to. Even if that’s all he says. “He hated me. Pretty sure he hated my mom towards the end of her life, too. Anything that put attention on someone other than him was no good. That’s why he got involved with the closest thing Hawkins had to a mafia.”

Steve rubs his thumb against the side of Eddie’s hand under the water, prompting him to continue.

“He ranked pretty high with them so he got plenty of attention. Forgot that he had a wife and a kid. When my mom died, he temporarily got more attention from everyone. Made sure he looked like the mourning husband trying to be strong for the son he barely knew. Even at four and five years old I knew he was full of shit. But at least he was taking me with him sometimes, showing me cool shit. He got arrested when I was seven for petty theft and possession of drugs. Got lucky that the judge believed his sob story of being the only one who could take care of me.” Eddie scoffed. “Paid a fine with money he stole and had to do 80 hours of community service that his boss signed off on after a few weeks. Didn’t care that the only meals I ate were at school and the neighbor’s house when she saw me alone for dinner. Didn’t care that I never had school supplies or clothes that fit. Didn’t care that I missed school anytime I missed the bus, which was often because he never gave me an alarm clock to set to get up in time.”

Steve wants to cry, hearing how shitty Eddie’s childhood was, but he refuses to right now. He doesn’t want Eddie to stop talking.

“When I was nine, he taught me how to steal a car. I could barely see over the steering wheel, but it was the first time I made him proud.” Eddie clears his throat. “He got sent to prison when I was 11. I got put in the system because everything is a mess and Wayne wasn’t even listed as my uncle anywhere. Wayne heard about it all a few weeks later and didn’t stop pushing to have me in his care until they gave in. I’m surprised they put up so much of a fight considering they don’t usually care that much about poor kids with shit parents. Wayne fought for me and I didn’t even know how much he did until I was older.”

Steve glances over to see tears falling down Eddie’s face. He let go of Eddie’s hand to wrap his arm around his waist instead, pulling him against his side.

“He didn’t have to do that. He just knew what a piece of shit my dad was and apparently checked on me a few times a year without me or him knowing. And he told you about Paul.” Steve nods. “Paul was in and out a lot at first, made me suspicious. Thought he was up to no good and just using Wayne as a place to sleep when he wasn’t in the truck. But then he took me with him a few times over the summer and we got closer. I don’t think Wayne even knows how much that man loved him. He was gonna start working more local jobs sooner until I came into the picture and Wayne was struggling to keep up with bills. Long haul makes more money, so he stayed out. Made sure I had clothes and school supplies, made sure I ate three meals a day and had whatever snacks I wanted. Sent payments to the electric company before Wayne even got the bill so I never had to worry about sleeping through alarms or not being able to take a hot shower.”

Steve didn’t realize he was crying until Eddie reached his thumb up to wipe away a tear.

“He was my father in the ways that mattered to me, just like Wayne has been. Losing him was more painful than anything I feel about my dad dying now. All I feel now is guilt that I feel anything at all.”

Steve uses the arm wrapped around Eddie’s waist and the weightlessness the water allows to lift him up and guide his legs around his waist. He’s looking up at the man he loves, holding the back of his thighs, and wishing he could take every shitty feeling away with his words of comfort.

“You can feel however you feel. I’ll love you through it all,” Steve reassures him. Eddie’s breath catches at his words, and Steve knows he chose the right thing to say at the right time. “No one who cares about you is gonna judge you for having any emotion about your dad dying. If you wanted to stand in the middle of a table in the cafeteria at the school and cheer, I’d sit at the table and cheer you on. If you want to show up at his grave and scream and cry, I’ll hold your hand the whole time. So will Wayne. And so would Paul.”

Eddie sobs as he wraps his arms around Steve’s neck and hides his face against Steve’s neck. Steve can feel the wetness of his tears, can feel his own still falling into the water below. He doesn’t care how long they stay like that, doesn’t even care if this is all they do all night.

But only a few minutes later, Eddie is pulling back and looking down at Steve, hands playing with the wet ends of his hair.

“I didn’t expect any of this this weekend,” he admits. “I should learn to stop having expectations.”

Steve’s lips turn up in a half-smile as Eddie rests his forehead against his. “Better or worse than what you expected?”

Eddie snorts. “Better. Always better with you.”

Steve’s glad it’s dark enough to hide his blush, but he’s sure Eddie knows what he does to him by now. If he doesn’t, he will soon enough.

Eddie traces a line along Steve’s neck, gently poking at his moles as he watches his own movements. Steve holds him, lets him do what he wants, feels every touch like lightning.

“I love you,” he finally says, barely more than a whisper, like he’s unsure it’s okay, even after Steve’s confession. “I think I have for a while.”

Steve wants to kiss him, but this moment still feels like a part of Eddie’s monologue. He wants Eddie to lead now, to show him how to love him. Whatever he needs, Steve will give it willingly and gladly.

“How long until Wayne comes to make sure we didn’t drown?” Eddie asks.

“Probably not unless we’re still gone by morning.”

“As lovely as being in your arms all night sounds, I don’t know if I’d wanna stay in the water that long,” Eddie laughs as his legs tighten around Steve’s waist. Their mostly soft cocks brush against each other, making them both inhale loudly. “A little longer might not be so bad, though.”

Steve’s finding it harder not to kiss him, not to let his hands wander from Eddie’s thighs, up to his waist, back to his ass. He resists, but Eddie shifts his weight again and everything gets harder.

“You’re killing me.” Steve groans, letting his head fall back so he can look up at the stars in the sky instead of the ones in Eddie’s eyes.

“Look at me.” Eddie’s tone’s shifted to something serious, still adorned with an affection Steve can’t believe he gets to hear. Steve looks at him with his lips parted and unblinking eyes. “I wanna be yours. Will you let me?”

Steve nods. That’s all he can do.

Eddie’s lips are against his, gently coaxing them apart further so he can slip his tongue inside. Steve’s not even thinking about how he hasn’t brushed his teeth or eaten a mint since supper, the warmth of Eddie’s hands circling behind his back and rubbing his shoulders enough of a distraction even without his tongue gliding against the roof of his mouth.

Eddie’s hands are slow, but on a very clear path downwards as his tongue traces Steve’s bottom lip. Steve lets his own hands slip to Eddie’s lower back, lets a finger trace up and back down his spine.

Eddie shivers in his arms.

“Cold?” Steve whispers.

Eddie shakes his head. “Feels good.”

So Steve does it again, with more pressure, hoping Eddie gets the hint.

When Eddie’s hips grind forward, he knows he did.

They’re both nearly fully hard now, lips meeting again, hungrier and biting. Their moans vibrate between their chests, every movement rippling the water around them.

Eddie’s rocking his hips back and forth, friction against their cocks not quite enough to do more than get them more worked up.

The water doesn’t feel cool anymore, Steve’s body already adjusted to the temperature the moment Eddie’s hands were on him.

“Can I touch you?” Eddie asks, bringing Steve out of his thoughts about doing this in his pool when they got home. His hand is flat against Steve’s stomach, fingertips dragging through his happy trail.

“Want you to feel good too, love,” Steve trails one of his hands to Eddie’s front, stopping for a moment on the angry scars covering his side. “Together?”

Eddie slides impossibly closer, wrapping his hand around both of their cocks at once. Steve’s legs would’ve buckled without the help of the lake holding him up.

“Together is good,” Eddie smirks as his hand works them both over, squeezing at the tip the way Steve likes.

Steve had every intention of helping, but he’s doing all he can to keep his feet on the sandy ground and Eddie’s legs wrapped around his waist. He whimpers as Eddie leans in to kiss him slowly, a contradiction to his hand speeding up around them.

“Eddie, I’m…close.” Steve pants against his lips when he pulls back for air. His toes are curling in the sand below, and the small waves around them are splashing against their necks as Eddie’s hand moves faster. Steve’s bucking up into his touch, doesn’t care how desperate he seems.

“Me too, Stevie.” Eddie reassures him, just as breathless as Steve is.

Despite the words spoken and the increasing heat coiling in his belly, Steve gasps in surprise when he comes. He’s even more surprised when Eddie is right behind him, whispering Steve’s name repeatedly as his grip around them tightens then loosens.

Chests heaving, legs shaking, they stare at each other in the glow of the moonlight.

“I normally last a lot longer,” Steve breaks the silence.

Eddie breaks into loud laughter, head falling onto Steve’s shoulder before he realizes that the water is too high to do that without getting wet. He drops his legs and stands, keeping his arms wrapped around Steve’s waist for stability.

“New record for me, too, baby.”

“Next time, we’ll take our time.” Steve promises not only Eddie, but himself. He knows he has better self control than what Eddie just witnessed.

“You wanna head inside and take our time there?” Eddie’s smirking at him, fingers playfully teasing his sides under the water.

“Not sure I can be quiet enough.”

“Even if you bite a pillow?” Eddie pouts.

“I can be pretty loud,” Steve laughs, poking his bottom lip back to normal. “Plus, I’d like to be in one of our own beds when we ma- have sex.”

“Oh my god. Were you gonna say make love?” Eddie is squeezing his arms around him, lifting Steve up so most of his chest is out of the water. Steve’s hands rest against his shoulders, fingertips pruned from being in the water for a while.

“Maybe I was.” Steve knows he’s a sap. He doesn’t care if Eddie thinks it’s silly or stupid, but he does wanna avoid blowing this before it even has a chance to begin.

Eddie must see something in his eyes to keep him from pushing it more. He lets him back down slowly, soft smile on his face.

“I love that you care that much.” Eddie kisses the corner of Steve’s mouth. “I promise we’ll hold off on making love until we’re back home.”

Steve smiles shyly back at him.

“But I wouldn’t be opposed to getting my mouth on you after we shower.”

Steve smacks Eddie’s arm and rolls his eyes.

“You’re ridiculous. I love you.”

“You really do, don’t you?” Eddie sounds awestruck, like it’s suddenly hit him that this is happening, that Steve feels this much for him.

“I really do.”

🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸🎸

Waking up in Steve’s arms for the second morning in a row felt too good to be true.

Most of this trip had felt too good to be true. Last night definitely felt like a dream.

He lets his eyes track over Steve’s bare chest, his neck, his lips pouting out as he sleeps. His eyelids are fluttering, but he’s still asleep, probably coming out of a dream.

Eddie’s fingers trace what’s left of the scar around his neck, touch light enough that Steve wouldn’t feel it in his sleep. He thinks about Steve’s bravery, how he dived head first into everything, be it protecting people from monsters or falling in love. Eddie knows Steve went without medical care after most run-ins in the Upside Down, and had only gotten some last time when Wayne insisted he do so while Eddie was in surgery.

The neck scars faded after they were patched up by a nurse, but many of his other wounds were deeper and infected, leaving a permanent reminder on his back and sides much like Eddie’s.

He traced along the outer lines of one of the scars shaped like a heart on his chest. Steve insisted it was just a weird oval, but Eddie insisted that it was a heart over his heart.

His chest hair has grown back in around it, nearly covering it up if you didn’t look close enough.

Eddie is close enough now.

It’s definitely a heart.

“Not sure how I feel about you staring at my chest that close,” Steve’s raspy voice fills his ear and he looks up to see Steve’s sleepy eyes looking at him. “Max at least had the decency to look from a distance.”

“Ha.” Eddie fake laughs. “I was just admiring your bountiful chest hair and the heart you wear on your sleeve.”

“It’s not a heart,” Steve groans as he covers Eddie’s head with his arms, pulling him on top of him. “You’re just blinded by love.”

“Who knew I’d be the optimist in this relationship?” Eddie breathes against Steve’s lips.

“Probably everyone who’s ever seen me in a relationship.” Steve kisses him quick, just a peck. “Let me up.”

“You’re the one who put me here.” Eddie doesn’t move. “Take me with you if you need to go so badly.”

“Eds, c’mon. I gotta brush my teeth.”

“So do I.”

Steve sighs. Eddie smiles.

“Fine.”

As Steve stands from the bed, Eddie wraps his legs around his waist, a mirror image to their time in the lake. Eddie’s not actually expecting Steve to carry him more than a few steps, but he blushes when he makes it all the way to the bedroom door.

“Still wanna come with me?” Steve raises his eyebrows like he knows Eddie didn’t expect him to take it this far.

“Can you seriously carry me down the hall?”

Steve stares blankly back at him. “I carried you for almost a mile when we got out of the Upside Down.”

“Touché.”

Steve manages to open the door with one hand before it goes back to Eddie’s leg, hoisting him up further so he has a better grip. Eddie just stares down at Steve’s face in amazement.

“Hey Wayne,” Steve says as they pass Wayne’s room. “Sleep okay?”

“Uh huh. There a reason you’re carrying the prince?” Wayne asks, causing Eddie to turn his head and scowl. “Wake up grumpy?”

“Woke up lazy.” Steve responded as he continued on the journey to the bathroom.

Once there, Steve set Eddie down on the floor and handed him his toothbrush. They brush their teeth together, smiling when they catch each other's eye in the mirror.

“Will you kiss me for real now?” Eddie asks after they’ve finished.

“Are you gonna walk to the kitchen by yourself or will I have to carry you?” Steve retorts.

“Your kiss will give me the power to make it.”

Steve snorts a laugh and leans in, his palm resting against Eddie’s jaw to pull him the last inch or so. The kiss is nothing like their back and forth. Steve consumes him, and Eddie lets him.

He doesn’t know how long they stand there, but he thinks it must be longer than they should.

Wayne clears his throat from the doorway. “Didn’t realize this was a part of brushin’ teeth these days.”

Eddie leaps away from Steve, panicked at the thought of Wayne knowing suddenly. He’s been out to Wayne for so long, he forgets that others probably aren’t comfortable being so open. Steve especially, who’s mentioned before that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to come out to everyone until he was sure they’d be okay with it.

“Relax, Ed. I clocked Steve months ago.” Wayne pushes past them to grab his toothbrush and toothpaste. “Move your relations outta here.”

“Relations?” Eddie gags. “Way to ruin the moment.”

“Sorry to ruin your delicate sensibilities. Get out.”

Steve pushes Eddie out of the small bathroom before he can respond. Eddie decides to focus on Steve’s hands on him instead of arguing further.

“Should we make breakfast?” Steve asks as they walk back to the bedroom to get dressed.

“I shouldn’t ever touch an oven, but I’ll watch you lovingly while you make breakfast, darling,” Eddie bats his eyelashes at Steve, who throws his shirt at him. “That’s not very nice. Did I not, and I quote, suck the soul-“

Steve’s hand covers his mouth while he sputters to cover Eddie’s voice from traveling out of the room.

“Jesus, the mouth on you.”

“That’s what you said last night.” Eddie’s words are muffled under Steve’s hand, but they both laugh. “I can make toast.”

“I’ll make the rest.”

Eddie spends the morning touching Steve as much as possible.

He spends the afternoon sneaking kisses and holding him in the hammock set up on the porch thanks to Wayne’s creativity.

He spends the evening watching Wayne and Steve fish while he drinks a beer and hands them whatever they need.

This is a peace that may only last until they leave tomorrow, but something tells him that this is only the beginning of a future Eddie never could’ve pictured for himself.

🎣🎣🎣🎣🎣🎣

five years later

Wayne slams the truck door a bit harder than he means to. The rain just started coming down harder and he wanted to get his bag in the cabin before it got worse.

When he enters the front door, the scent of freshly baked cookies wafts through the air and he smiles.

“Made it, boys!” He yells, though he’s pretty sure speaking at a normal volume would’ve been enough. The cabin hasn’t changed much, but Steve insisted on opening up the front portion so it felt more welcoming.

“Wayne!” Steve exclaims as he pops up from behind the counter of the kitchen. “You just missed Eddie. He went out to the trail.”

Wayne gives Steve a tight hug. At Steve’s frown, he laughs. “Sorry ‘bout the wet clothes. Started raining the last couple miles in and got heavier just as I was leavin’ the truck.”

“Oh no.” Steve groaned.

Just as he spoke, the back door slammed open and Eddie dropped his camera bag on the floor.

Wayne and Steve both took in the sight of him, drenched from head to toe, dripping onto the tile floor, and laughed.

“I hate the outdoors.”

“You’re a nature photographer. You hate the rain.” Steve walks over to him, still laughing under his breath. He picks up the bag before leaning in to kiss his cheek.

Wayne watches the exchange, fighting tears back at the reason he was invited to their cabin this weekend.

Eddie was proposing to Steve and wanted Wayne to be there to capture it with his camera. He didn’t care that Wayne was an old man who could barely operate a camera, he just wanted someone to do it.

He knew Eddie was also a little nervous and having Wayne there would help keep him calm.

Why he was nervous, Wayne didn’t know.

They couldn’t legally get married, but they might as well be anyway.

“Wayne!” Eddie bounces over to him and throws his arms around him, forgetting for a moment that he’s soaked. “You’re here!”

“I’m here. I’d like to be less wet, though.”

Eddie backs up and Wayne pats his shoulder.

“Both of you should go get changed. Dinner’s ready in ten minutes.” Steve interrupts on his way to put Eddie’s camera bag in their room.

“Yes, dear,” Eddie replies. Steve turns and glares for a moment before continuing on his way. Once he’s out of sight, Eddie sighs. “God, I love that man.”

“That’s why I’m here, ain’t it?” Wayne playfully shoves at Eddie’s arm. “We better listen to him. I’m starvin’ and I think he’d make us fend for ourselves if we show up at the table dripping wet.”

As Wayne changes, he can hear Steve laughing in their room, Eddie talking about something he saw outside in the usual dramatic way he spoke. He thinks back to the first time he brought his boys here together, how hushed they tried to be, how hesitant.

He looked over at a photo Eddie framed for this room so Wayne had something when he came to stay.

Paul was smiling at the camera, arm wrapped around Eddie’s shoulders, Wayne looking at both of them with a smile. He remembers laughing right after the picture was taken, and giving in and buying them both cotton candy. They insisted it wouldn’t make them sick, then proceeded to both rush to the nearest garbage can after they got off the Gravitron at the fair.

“Wayne! Steve’s bullying me!” Eddie yells.

“You probably deserve it!” He yells back.

“Unbelievable!” Eddie screams.

“Ha!” Steve yells.

Wayne shakes his head as he makes his way out to the chaos he chose to be a part of this weekend.

[boba-at-323]

Stay-home dates with RIIZE !!

Note : OMG !! I had so much fun writing thisssss <333 || DID NOT PROOFREAD PLEASE || Also Idk what to tw but I have mentioned snacks a whole lot of time + I TRIED MY BEST TO MAKE IT GENDER NEUTRAL BUT LIKE SINCE IM FEMALE SO EXCUSE ME ;-; please enjoyyyy !!

Osaki Shotaro <3 !

Hmm, not a big fan, but as long as you're happy he is too !!

Omg !!

You ask him to film TikToks with you and he's MORE THAN HAPPY !!

So like you've saved a lot of trends and dances you wanna recreate with him.

He's so excited and gets all giggly over it!

Takes it a little too seriously…

Like you're looking at him with your jaw dropped and eyes wide because how did it take him one look to literally MASTER the dance.

Laughs embarrassed when you praise him !!

But you tell him that he's too fast for you ';-; so he apologises and suggests teaching you the dance step by step!

The two of you continuously burst into fits of giggles when something goes wrong.

ITS JUST SO FUNNY BUT IN A CUTE WAY FOR SOME REASON

You'd film like 29837209 TikToks and just have fun goofing around.

You might also end up exhausted on the floor reviewing the videos you filmed.

Thinks you look very cute and asks you to do this often with him!

Might get bored if you don't have a lot to do.

HOWEVER !!!

Would love to talk to you about anything really.

I feel like he's someone who enjoys conversing, so you might actually start having deep conversations that will last for hours.

Hmm rating 8/10 PLS HES SO ADORABLE <3

Rest of the members under the cut !

Song Eunseok <3 !

This man is literally so chill with everything.

Like you'd suggest going for a picnic on a volcano and he'd be like "lol ok."

Okay, maybe not that much but yk what I mean !!

So yeah you're probably sitting with him binge-watching some anime or series.

He's quiet the whole time and is actually very immersed in the story.

However, he will be passing comments every now and then.

And I tell you, these comments are so out of pocket???

Like you can't help but burst out laughing.

And he's just gonna look at you like "😐".

AS IF HE HADN'T SAID THE MOST FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE HEARD ALL WEEK.

So yeah be prepared cuz the witty comments he's gonna slip will crack you so bad.

Like it actually makes you question how his brain works

ESPECIALLY HOW HE DOES LITERAL STAND-UP COMEDY WITH THAT SERIOUS EXPRESSION !!!

But it's okay, that just means he's having fun!

Also, it's very hard to concentrate on whatever you're watching cuz he looks so pretty next to you.

Like you keep on looking at him, smirks 100%

"Yeah I know I'm too hard to resist"

GETS COCKY BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM !!!

Also makes sure you get your share of snacks!!

I'd rate it a solid 9/10 cuz it's really entertaining!

Jung Sungchan <3 !

HE IS NOT ENTERTAINED BY THE IDEA !!!

But after much convincing, he gives in.

"At least we get to spend time together, right?"

YOU'RE BAKING TOGETHER YIPPIEEEE!!!

But what happens is like,

You're standing there tying your hair back, you ask him for help with your apron.

Gets a little too touchy

You have to slap his arm away and give him a death glare.

Pretends he doesn't know what he did rn 😔

Is actually a very good helping hand.

Like helps you out, follows everything you tell him to do, however...

Has his doubts, and totally shakes his head if he thinks smth is going wrong.

"Y/n are you sure it's 2 cups sugar?" "I don't think we should be using butter…"

NOOO ENDS UP GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE KITCHEN BECAUSE

Like he said, he takes up a large radius.

So this clumsy baby probably toppled over a lot of things, making a very big mess ;-;

Apologises repeatedly with sad puppy eyes 🥹

You kiss his cheek and tell him it's fine

Though you ask him to sit it out and let you handle the rest of the process yourself.

YOU DO DECORATE WTV YOU MADE TOGETHER SO HES VERY EXCITED FOR THAT !!!

I'd rate it a 4/10, this man is NOT meant to be confined to a small space.

Park Wonbin <3 !

Would prefer them actually !!!

He'd absolutely LOVE to cuddle with you throughout the day.

Like he'd just be clinging onto you telling you literally everything that happened to him cuz for some reason he gives me yapper vibes

Though he'd appreciate listening to what you have to tell him, leaving a trail of kisses all over your neck.

Also he LOVES your voice so much omg !

So he can also pull out his guitar and have a serenade with you (english 💀).

Would ask you your favourite song, and if he doesn't know it WILL make sure he knows it the next time you guys have an at-home date

If he knows, he plays it for you encouraging you to sing.

you tell him you think your voice sucks.

A DRAMATIC GASP COMES FROM HIS DIRECTION !!!

"Nonsense idc i just wanna hear your pretty voice <3"

Literally heart eyes for you once you start singing,

Like might actually melt, give you the softest, most lovesick gaze EVER !

There is a possibility he ends up messing up the cords cuz you distracted him !!!

He's so cute pls </3

Omg also, the two of you might also end up in the kitchen cooking smth together, blasting a playlist he made for you!

But you don't know that <3

He actually so desperately wants to do cliche romantic things with you but is too shy to initiate </3

It's giving that "Idk how to flirt so I'm just gonna stare at you till you marry me" meme

HOWEVER !!

Be prepared for endless back hugs because he's just so SO soft for you <333

Anyways yeah 11/10 (+1 is probably cuz I'm so down bad for him)

Hong Seunghan <3 !

My manz I miss him all day everyday ;-;

He's so sweet I tell you, agrees to literally everything.

Putting mbti and stuff aside, I think he'd actually plan out a few activities you could do together.

Like if you're going over to his place, hes prepared snacks and stuff for you.

Hmm !! Video games are a must I believe !!

Like I read he plays FIFA online???

SO yeah, if you know how to play, the both of you would spend hours playing together

I don't see him getting very competitive but will whine if you keep on beating him!

However, will also compliment on how great you are at the game!!

HE FEELS PROUD I TELL YOU !!

However, if you don't know how to play and absolutely suck (like me ;-;)

HE'D BE SO EXCITED TO TEACH YOU !!

When you mess something up, or like if you can't understand something, the pout on your lips makes his heart EXPLODE.

Like he thinks you're the most adorable ever, he'd start squealing if his pride lets him.

Ends up attacking you with kisses and hugs.

The game is long forgotten, just a clingy Seunghan showering you with love because of how adorable he finds you.

I'D RATE IT AN 8/10 TBH BECAUSE HE'D FORGET WHAT PERSONAL SPACE IS !!!

Lee Sohee <3 !

SPENT SO MUCH TIME THINKING SOMETHING FOR HIM 😭

Unlike Seunghan, I can see him playing board games and such with you!

For example, the two of you could be sitting on the floor playing UNO.

But that got boring CUZ HOW DO TWO PEOPLE EVEN PLAY UNO !!!

So takes out a Jenga set because he thought it was very entertaining!

Both of you are screaming SO much when either chooses the wrong piece to remove.

HOWEVER, HE'S USING THE SPECIAL SKILLS EUNSEOK TAUGHT HIM!!!

Which is unfair to you and you WILL whine about it.

"All is fair in war and Jenga"

HIS WORDS NOT MINE !!!

Laughs at you because you're definitely the one who's going to topple the tower over.

So yeah you all spend a lot of time giggling and screaming over board games!

OMG ALSO !! Thanks to Anton, he bought some Lego sets too!!

You all start good but eventually get so frustrated because you can't find one tiny piece.

Ofc you give up and spend the rest of the evening with his karaoke machine !!

HE !! WANTS !! TO !! SING !!

And please you're just so mesmerised the whole time he's singing.

Like woah??? His voice is so good even when he's goofing around? INSANE!!

Though you aren't losing to him, so the both of you get SUPER competitive.

RATING THIS A 7/10 !!

Lee Anton <3 !

Like Wonbin, he'd also enjoy stay-at-home dates.

I can see him enjoying doing anything, to be honest.

Like for example, the two of you could just be lying next to each other sharing with each other reels you see.

Or just him listening to you telling him some tea from your workplace/college etc.

Sitting on the bed together with a variety of snacks sprawled around.

Like Sohee, I can even see him building Legos in silence with you cuz this guy is so patient !

Oh also!

He'd pull out his laptop and shyly ask if you'd like to listen to the music he's created.

After listening, your face is the shocked Pikachu meme.

"Woahhh my boyfriend is so cool :OOO"

Get's blushy over the compliments you shower him with.

Brushes it off saying it's nothing.

THATS A FREAKING LIE LEE CHANYOUNG!!

NEways, teaches you how to try making music.

Laughs if you cry about how difficult it is, he thinks it's adorable.

You ask him to delete the trash you've made, but he creates a separate folder to save everything you've made with him.

ITS ART TO HIM !!! HOW CAN HE THINK SMTH YOU'VE CREATED IS TRASH?!?!?!

Plus he treasures it so much like only if he could somehow just make you feel how much it means to him !!

SO YEAH !

Pretty cute, very cozy, overall nice experience 10/10 <3

Thank you for reading reblogs and reviews are appreciated ! <3

Title : Stay-home dates with Riize || Word count: 1652 || Genre: fluff ! || Pairing: Riize x implied Fem!Reader (tried making it gender neutral pt.29382938)

[dronebiscuitbat]

Oil is Thicker Then Blood (Part 7)

The one thing Uzi did not mind about her transformation was her ability to fly alongside N during scavenging missions. He often had to slow down (thrusters will always be faster than manual flying), but it didn't seem to bother him in the least, especially when she was sharing her favorite songs with him over short-range.

And no, it didn't all consist of Nightcore thank you very much. She was sharing the ones she thought he would like.

Of course, N liked all of them, so she probably could blare Nightcore at full volume and he'd like it, but she was still keeping it mostly mainstream, mostly because he seemed to like singing lyrics if he knew them, which was fun!

Because he was good at it.

He nailed nearly every note so long as he was familiar with the song, and it was gorgeous, his voice smooth as butter and just high enough to reach the minor keys without sounding off.

And yes, it did make her core flutter like it was full of a million butterflies, but that was besides the point.

“Hang on, lemme give you this one.” She sent another over to him, her wings flapping above her as they both glided comfortably.

“How many do you have?!” N asked excitedly, although it was definitely in the sense that he was eager to hear all of them and not that he wanted her to stop.

“Years worth of emotional repression leads to years worth of saved angst, what can I say?” She replied, poking a little fun at herself, she pushed ahead as he opened the audio file, scanning the ground for any parts she needed.

This one was a little angry sounding, but the guitar was nice, and there was a woman singing in the background that he wished didn't sound so sad, but it was pretty, at the very least.

“Do you want me to just give you my playlist? I've kinda just been sending you singles from it this whole time.” She fell back in line with him, wings beating above her, wow, he never realized how strong they looked before.

“Yes!” He beamed, being ecstatic to listen to more, it was leagues better than anything he'd ever heard play at the manor, plus he felt as if he was learning quite a bit about her just through her saved songs.

He noted the complete lack of love songs, there were plenty of breakup songs, but it didn't seem that Uzi had either never felt that way about anyone or she may have just not liked the sappiness of them. He wasn't sure, he was kinda hoping for the latter, she deserved someone to make her happy, surely?

“Here. But we can't spend all night doing this, it not really what we're here for…” She sent him a massive folder that was going to take a bit to install, in the meantime. They both flew upwards, trying to spot things from higher up.

“No worries, what are we looking for?” He asked, just replaying the same songs he'd already listened to on repeat, just at a lower volume.

“A hardware store preferably, that explosion melted all my railguns internals… stupid J… pain in my ass even in death.” She added, sounding bitter. He didn't argue.

“Hmm, I think I saw one last night. I can send you the map data?” He offered, not noticing how closely they were flying, he could feel each beat of her wings. The urge to wrap his tail around her hit him suddenly. She wasn't in danger. What was this about?

“Sweet! Yes!” She gave him a thumbs up, and so he sent the map data to her, and she went silent looking it over intently.

And here he was admiring how she could intently focus of his map data while also flying near perfectly again, if he ever needed to revist a location he had to stop flying lest he hit something. Not her though, her mind was so lightening fast. Not just in this, but in everything.

Man his best freind was so cool. And pretty.

She… was pretty. But that was random.

“Yeah, you did pass one, this way!” She did pause in the air for a moment, but only to turn to him and make sure he was following, he nodded, letting her lead him.

Her tail swirled behind her as she kept herself aloft, it was graceful in it's own way, since she had to think more about consciously flying then he did, and so she ended up doing more spins and tricks in the air just by flying normally. It was almost like watching a dance, albeit a bat-like one.

“We're here.” He heard her shout before diving, and he followed without question, landing beside her with a metallic thud in contrast with her graceful perfect landing.

Okay, what the heck was going on with him today?

“Anything specific?” He asked, dusting the snow off himself before it melted and refroze to his chassis. Ignoring the random intrusive thoughts that seemed to be increasing in frequency and intensity.

“Small screws, wiring, oh! And capacitors! Lots and lots of capacitors.” He knew at least what two of those things were at what they looked like, so he nodded and followed her into the blasted out store after beating the snow out of his cap.

Her tail whipped around into a flashlight, pointing it at the rotten shelves and the icesicles hanging above them, a skeleton was at the counter, still in uniform, and still in the position of looking bored.

“Split up? I'll look for the capacitors, you get the screws and wiring?” She turned to him, with the absence of others she always seemed to smile, he gave her a thumbs up and beamed her one right back, before turning and wandering to the nearest shelf, leaving them both alone with their thoughts.

Uzi was already searching deep in the electronic section, trying to find capacitors that weren't completely broken or frozen, with a task at hand her mind was blessedly empty for once, enough that she was humming absent-mindedly whatever song had gotten trapped in her head.

She didn't sing, she didn't like her voice and thought it was too deep for most songs, but humming was fine, if it wasn't done in front of other people. Robo-God forbid someone hear her not being aggro for ten seconds. But here she was alone, and N was on the other side of the store, he couldn't hear her.

And even if he could, it was N. He wouldn't ever make fun of her for anything.

She smiled. At this point trying to deny her feelings was pointless, he made her feel so special, so wonderful. And he was so happy to spend any time with her, whether it be listening to her music or watching a movie or agreeing to visit a baby with her. He was always down, loving every second.

It rubbed off on her, she found herself smiling more, liking her life more, liking herself more. She was beginning to feel less like a freak and more like a person, all thanks to the lovable goofball she called her best freind.

And she wanted to call him more, connect with him more, but… she couldn't be certain he felt the same way. He was always so loving but he was like that with everyone, he cared, and that's just who he was.

So nothing he did proved he liked her like that. Romanticly. Never in a million years did she ever think she would be longing for someone, or even have a crush in the first place, but here she was, admitting to herself that… she was in love. Ew

But at the same time, the way he had been looking at her in the nursery, with a small smile on his face and his eyes digitally half-lidded. He looked… almost like he wanted to kiss her.

But that had to have been her imagination, he'd asked if she felt better right before, maybe he'd just been concerned.

With a victorious gasp she found a whole box of preserved capacitors and quickly stashed them in her bag before going off and trying to find the boy in question, core full of butterflies but also very very heavy.

N had finally finished downloading Uzi's monster of a playlist and was skimming through it while picking up his second box of screws, he doubted she needed this many, but being an overachiever never got him in trouble before.

He fingered the wiring he had in his pocket, feeling satisfied that he'd completed his task and yet still felt anything but.

He was… confused.

Uzi was his friend, his best friend. And yet the more he thought about her the lighter his core got, in a way that was new to him. Well no, that was it wasn't it? It wasn't new.

It was just attached to a new person.

But… he didn't have a crush on Uzi did he? He could form sentences just fine around her, he wasn't nervous or artificially sweaty. He just wanted to be close, to protect her. To be there when she needed him. That wasn't romantic. It was protective! Like all friends should be!

And yet he still felt unsatisfied, like he was missing something.

“Hey! Did you find what we needed?” He heard her before he saw her, bounding up to him with a crooked smirk, her tail twitching behind her and her wings folded against her back. She was cute…

He shook off his thoughts again.

“Yeah! Here!” He he presented the screws and the wire to her with a smile, his tail twitching as her hand grazed his as she took them, no that wasn't a spark you're imagining things.

“Thanks!” You ready to head back? It's going to be morning soon.” She asked, punching his shoulder playfully, a small laugh left his mouth.

“Yeah! And we can listen to music together on the way back!”

“Sure buddy.”

And with that they took off, commenting on songs and cracking jokes about the stupid ones, flying high to get home faster. With each minute he felt himself relax, whatever confusing mess his thoughts were causing right now didn't matter, they were laughing, and she was smiling. He would figure it out later.

“Is… is this song about a potato?” He asked slowly, causing her to snort before devolving into a fit of laughter.

“Y-yeah? I thought it was funny, and I rigged the teachers lounge to play it on repeat once.”

N didn't want to ask why, but he felt that it was a very Uzi thing to do.

“Hey, I might need to crash at your place tonight. Charge is low and I don't wanna pass out on the way home.” As she said that, a little low battery symbol appeared at the top right corner of her visor, showing she wasn't lying.

“Sleepover!” He shouted, making her smile again, he really liked her smile…

“Yeah, whatever.” She rolled her eyes, but her words lacked any sort of bite. There was a brief comfortable silence before;

“Oh… this one's kinda sad.” His face fell at little as he listened. An orchestral swell being out of place in the rest of the playlist.

I am tired of this dream….

Will it ever end for me?

“Sorry, I don't have a lot of happy ones that aren't also sarcastic…” She admitted sheepishly, she probably should find happier songs now that she was thinking about it. She felt happier now, what was the harm? So long that it was only her and N that would ever hear them.

I don't have the will to know…

Can you help me see?

“Oh! Duet!” He hummed happily, that fact alone seemingly making him feel better about it.

Let my body keep you warm…

Let my essence be your breeze.

Oh. This was a love song, and a rather longing one. He looked over Uzi's playlist, this one was added only recently. About three months ago, huh that was around when prom happened.

Can you hear me calling?

Please look out for meeee…

“N! Look!” Uzi shouted and he looked up, the gas giant was being eclipsed by Copper-9s barren moon, causing the entire night sky to be lit up in a burnt umber red. But he'd be lying if he said that was what caught his attention.

Can you set me free?

Will you take my soul away?

Uzi was silhouetted in the light perfectly, sending warm oranges and reds bouncing off her features like she was gazing at a roaring fire, she was hung in the air, snowflakes falling slowly around her, the light turning them to embers dancing in the air. She was smiling, her hands reaching out to touch one of the dancing flames.

Casting me in cold

Bury me in bones

Rest eternallyyyyyy…

He felt all the moisture in his mouth evaporate on the spot, and any further thought through his processors die. If flying wasn't an automatic process, he would have fallen from the sky in shock.

She looked beautiful.

Will you take me home?

Can we see the moon again?

Dancing in the dark

Till we fall apart

I can't end this dream...

Next ->

[kaleldobrev]

Knew You Would Come Around

Pairing: Michael!Dean x Fem!Reader | Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

Summary: Michael's happy you've finally come around

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: Nudity (but no smut), Y/N is the best actress ever, Michael being absolutely delusional, Sad!Reader

Authors Note: Set in the same universe as Once Mine | Please read Once Mine before reading this one | Some non-con elements but nothing graphic (very G Rated in description) | Y/N deserves an Oscar for her performance | Y/N misses Dean :( | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡

It’s been weeks since you’ve been trapped in this penthouse, weeks without any kind of contact from the outside world besides room service, the occasional monster that Michael had invited in, and Michael himself. Michael, the archangel who was currently using the love of your life as his meat suit. The same man who refused to believe that you weren’t this other version of you. There was a part of him though, although you couldn’t quite pinpoint it, that may have been slightly delusional due to the grief that he had faced when his world version of you was killed. A version of you that he loved more than anyone or anything. A version of you that he absolutely refused to let go of.

You tried for weeks resisting him. Resisting any ounce of change that he had tried to make. He wanted you to be the version of you that he had fallen in love with, not who you truly were. Dean loved this version of you, but Michael didn’t. And in order to survive, you played along. Played along with his delusions of you being his one true love. Pretending to actually care when he talked about certain subjects. Pretending to enjoy when he would kiss you. Pretending to enjoy him holding you in the middle of the night while lying in bed together. This was the only way, you had thought to yourself.

Your mind was racing as you watched television, as there was really nothing for you to do while Michael was away. There was relief whenever he had left for the day, but at the same time, you had found yourself sometimes feeling a strange sense of loss whenever he did leave; and you weren’t quite sure why. This man had taken over Dean, the one man you had loved more than anyone or anything — your soulmate, and Michael ripped him away from you, and you despised him for it.

But the more you thought about it, the more your mind had started to wander. Maybe you had found it relatively easy to pretend because it was technically still Dean on the surface? Maybe that strange sense of loss that you felt when Michael had left is because it felt like Dean was being ripped away from you all over again? Then again, maybe you were just starting to become delusional like Michael.

When the door opened, you were instantly snapped out of your thoughts. Show time, you thought. “Hey Mike, how was your day?” You asked him, trying to give him that sing-song like tone he had preferred compared to your actual voice.

“Rough, but making progress,” he stated, closing the door behind him. You turned around from your position on the couch to look over at him, where he was currently hanging up his 1920s style jacket on the coatrack. Progress? What type of progress? You wanted to ask. But you knew better than to ask.

"Well, that's wonderful that you're making progress," you said, getting up from your spot on the couch to stand in front of him. "But, I'm sorry you had a rough day," you continued, as you started to untie his tie, making sure you kept the right amount of eye contact.

"Thankful I'm finally home with my girl," he stated, giving you a slight smile as he watched you carefully removing his tie from around his neck. You almost stopped removing his tie, as the nickname he had just given you had thrown you off, as My Girl was one of Dean's go-to nicknames for you.

Forcing a smile, you finished removing his tie. "Happy to have you home," you lied. His hand moved to cup your cheek, admiring the delicate features of your face. Despite you not being his original Y/N, you were good enough for him in moments like these, moments where he needed comfort.

"I'm going to take a shower," he said, before leaning in and kissing the top of your head. Strangely, you felt yourself slightly melt into the kiss, as it was a feeling that you had missed. Top of the head kisses and forehead kisses were ones that you had cherished the most from Dean. Despite it not actually being from him, you pretended it was; and pretending helped.

You found yourself on the couch again, watching some cooking show on FoodNetwork, mentally writing down recipes that you knew Dean would have liked. Recipes you’d probably never get the chance to make for him “Y/N!” Michael called; his voice making any previous thoughts you had disappear.

“Yes Mike?” You yelled back, muting the television as you did so.

“Come join me,” he said. His voice wasn’t demanding in nature, but you knew he wasn’t giving you a choice in the matter.

You took a deep breath before answering. “Be right there!” You replied back.

Walking into the bathroom, the glass shower was steamed up just enough that Michael's figure almost looked like he was some kind of blur, almost dream sequence like. And for a brief moment, you felt some sort of bliss; as if you were in fact in a dream, a dream where you had walked in on Dean in the shower — something that you had done so many times before. But that brief moment of bliss was fanned out the second the Archangel spoke. "Come on in Sweetheart," he said, opening up the glass door for you. Sweetheart, yet another nickname that you had once loved now made your skin crawl.

Removing your clothes quickly, they fell onto the floor into a pool of fabric. Taking a deep breath, you walked into the shower and closed the door behind you. Upon entering, Michael's back was facing you, his face toward the showerhead. You found your fingers reaching toward his back, wanting to trace little circles — something that you were so used to doing to Dean when you were either in the shower or lying in bed.

But as you were half-way to his back, he started to turn, and you retracted your fingers; looking up at him almost with a sorrowful look on your face. "Glad you could join me," he said, giving you a small smile. You tried your best to give a similar smile back, but you found it hard to, and you knew he could sense the struggle. "Turn around, I'll get your back," he said, trying to break the uneasiness between the two of you.

"Okay," you replied, slightly nodding. Turning around, you felt more vulnerable than ever, hating this current feeling. You felt your eyes close in anticipation at the touch of him. A moment later, you felt a washcloth start running along your spine, just stopping above your ass before it came back up and went from your left to your right shoulder blade.

"You're very tense," he whispered in your ear. He kissed your temple, and again, you found yourself slightly melting into it, again finding yourself reminiscing about all the times Dean had kissed your temple in order to comfort you. "Want me to help you?" He asked. "I know you like massages."

"But you're the one that's had the rough day, not me," you said, your voice sounding a little timid. But he seemed to ignore your comments; placing the washcloth on the small built-in shelf before he started using his thumbs to make circles on your back.

You wanted to resist the nice feeling, but you couldn't. It felt nice having his hands rubbing your back, finding those exact pressure points that Dean knew all too well. “I know this has been difficult for you,” Michael said after a few moments of silence between the two of you; leaning down and kissing your shoulder. Understatement, you thought. “But you’ve been really receptive of me lately,” he said, almost as if he was giving you a pat on the back. “Which is very much appreciated. I’m glad you can finally see things my way.” Again, he kissed your shoulder, but this time you felt your body slightly shudder at his touch, hoping that he didn't notice this reaction.

“Of course,” you began, “like you said, this is very much a win-win for the both of us,” you said, forcing a slight smile on your lips. You turned around to face him, and you cupped his cheek, slightly rubbing it with your thumb. God I miss you, you thought. The feeling of the stubble on your fingertips making you strangely sentimental.

“I love you,” Michael admitted, and you felt as if your heart was about to stop. You weren’t in love with him, there was no chance you could ever be; not after everything he had done. He was simply a monster disguised as your soulmate and nothing more. But you had to keep up the pretending, keep on acting in order to survive.

“I love you too,” you said, and you felt like you had wanted to throw up.

“Told you you’d come around,” he almost whispered, a small smirk on his lips. A moment later he leaned in, crashing his lips into yours.

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[ofstardustanddreaming]

comforting ways

preference summary: one way they comfort you when you're sad.

content warnings: none

fandom: the hobbit

characters: bilbo, tauriel, thorin, fili, kili, dwalin, bofur, thranduil

gender neutral reader

Bilbo: He knew you had been missing home along the journey, and tried his best to cheer you up. He would pick flowers that reminded him of you, he would talk with you under the starry sky next to the warm fire. He wanted to keep your mind off of things, but if it also meant being a shoulder to cry on while you did want to think about home. He's a sweetheart about your sadness, he also understands missing home, so he'll give you stories to help with relatability.

Tauriel: She would take a walk with you around the palace gardens if she wasn't on duty. She would listen intently while you talk about what it was that was on your mind. She would hold your hand lightly, rubbing soothing circles into the back of it. She would offer suggestions if that was what you were looking for, or she would offer words of comfort. Once you've gotten most of your sadness out into the world, she'll pull you in for a small kiss to try and get the rest of it.

Thorin: He would move the stars and sky if he could, to make you happy. He's more a man of action than comforting words. He would wrap his arms around you, pressing his lips to your forehead. It doesn't mean he wouldn't add some words of comfort, mostly whispering I love you's and Go ahead, I've got you as you let your emotions go into his shoulder, whether it's crying or quietly venting. He's just better at listening, and providing a physical comfort.

Fili: He was a mix of sweet words and soft jokes. He wanted to show you he was a reliable, safe person to come to when you're sad, and he'll do sweet things for you. He'll make you something warm, or wrap you up in something warm as well. He'll play with your hair, and lets you lie down on his lap while lightly stroking your side. He knows that sometimes silence, with the occasional words, with another person in the room is all it takes to ease the pain in your heart, little by little.

Kili: He would hate to see you sad, wanting to take the pain of your sadness himself. He would crack jokes, giving you his best puppy dog eyes to not be so sad. When he sees you crack a small smile, he feels relieved. He knows that sometimes your mind needs to be taken off of whatever topic it was on, but then he'll listen to what it is you want to talk about if it's what's needed. He'll plant small kisses around your shoulders and head as you talked, to remind you he was there.

Dwalin: He's a man of few words and more action as well, like Thorin. He is a little unsure at first though, what he should do to comfort. He'll sit silently near you, hovering, wanting to let you know he was there for you however you needed him to be. When you look up at him, wanting his comfort in the way you wanted, he wouldn't hesitate in getting closer and pulling you in tight. He was gentle with his hugs, but he made sure that you knew he would always be there for you.

Bofur: He would break into some soft songs, or hum, while having you leaned up against him to feel the vibrations. He would eventually get carried away, leading to a whole dance routine, and it would make you feel better with his happy approach to a lot of situations. He would pull you in afterwards, wondering how else he could help ease your sadness, and would do what it is you wanted. Whether it was hearing stories of the journey, or talking through your sadness.

Thranduil: He would check you all over, to make sure it wasn't an injury, feeling more secure in taking away a physical injury than an inner feeling of sadness. He has a harder time with emotion, but he's gotten better when fretting and constantly asking if you were doing any better. He would eventually calm down, realizing what you want is just him holding you and giving you comforting words. He would draw a bath, to help you feel more comforted from the heat as well.

[yuseirra]

Anaylsis on Ai Hoshino's character and speculations of how her relationship with her ex-boyfriend actually went

With the upcoming second season of the Oshi no Ko anime, I think this is a good time for me to write how I feel about this character. The manga seems to be reaching the final arc too, so if I make any guesses, it's probably now or a never thing! I'd like to post this before I get utterly proven wrong and it gets totally useless XD and who knows? Maybe I just may get some things right.

I had a chance to talk about how I felt Ai with @aihoshiino through an ask (their analyses are so good and I'm sure they'll write tons better than what I can offer) and it led me to realize how interesting the character is. So I ended up jotting my thoughts on my own and it became quite long.

This post will touch on how I think Ai's mind worked, and how it may have affected her relationship with her ex. I've been following the recent chapters, and I read up to ch. 152. This means I'm aware of most spoilers, and that this post would be swarming with it! If you're okay with it, please read ahead!

*I originally wrote this in a different language. I'm too tired to write the whole thing over again, so I used DeepL translate! I fixed some nouns that got lost within the translations, so should make sense for the most part. Sorry for the clumsy writing in advance!

While thinking about the recent developments in the onk manga, I noticed some things while listening to the opening of the anime version, so I'll write it down. The other day, I had the opportunity to discuss the characterization and personality development of Ai with someone else, even though it may be brief. There were some things that were notable in the behavior of this character in the novel version as well. I don't know how the story will develop, but from the information I got thus far, I feel I can outline what kind of person she is to some extent.

Ai has a very strong desire for "love" because she's never been loved properly. Rejection from parents in early childhood takes a tremendous toll on a person's development of self-assurance and self-esteem. I'm not an expert so I can't make a professional statement, but I think Ai often resorts fo have an avoidant (withdrawn) attitude. She want to have deep relationships with people, but she doesn't want to reveal their intimate "real" selves to others because she's unsure if she'll be accepted. Self-hatred is a big part of why she keeps it hidden. There's a very selfless reason why Ai decides lie: she does it because everyone likes the pretty, bright, lovable version of her. Ai protects herself by pretending, but they also protect the "outside" from the "ugly" version of her. Everyone prefers Ai to be this invincible idol, and so Ai acts that way because it's the way to contribute to the group and the world around her. In the end, Ai becomes so good at performing this idolized persona to the extent where she shows signs of being broken or disheveled, the others will react "That's not Ai" and deny it. But even though she's initially happy to be loved and accepted and have a place, ultimately that's not the kind of "love" she wants. This character has a very idealized idea of what love is, and she wants that kind of love where you put yourself out there and it's accepted, but when you think about it, it's her parents who should have given her that kind of love. What she wants is the unconditional, the agape type of love, the type she never got that early in her life. In reality, she was actually always getting the love from her fans, and she was giving love in return, whatever form of love it was. It was just that she wasn't sure if it was love at all. That's the sad part about this character, she has a very strong image of what love is, and she's not sure if it's love when it comes to these whole other variety of emotions. That's why she says in her idol songs that she really wants to love her fans, even though she's already doing it… When Ai became a parent and was in the position to give unconditional love, she began to think, "Will I know what love is? (Regardless of whether or not this was to be a wise choice to do this at such a young age, there are definitely people who actually have this sort of mental state. It may not make sense if you look at this character's emotional state and judgment from what's considered as the norm, but this is the flow of her thinking. It's not a healthy state, but it's not fair to just dismiss it as thoughtless, and foolish because this character has never experienced normal love.) However, the "love" she thinks of didn't just happen when she gave birth to and raised her children… Even for her own children, she kept putting on a bright face and couldn't live unadorned… This is how acting (lying) is a form of love for her. She tried so hard all the time. She lived as much as possible to fit in with others. She thinks this is showing consideration for the other person. This is another sad point, because she doesn't realize that when she reveals herself, others will still love her for who she is.

When interpreting the character of Ai, you shouldn't interpret her as someone who is emotionally stable and loved. The MV for the song "Idol" was my first introduction to the work "onk", and the initial feeling I had when I saw it was discomfort. This was because I felt like it was exposing a very vulnerable and precarious psychology of a young child. To compare it to other works, I think it's similar to the psychological state of One Piece's Tot Musica or Fleeting Lullaby, but even more extreme in a way because there's not even a metaphor to cover it up. It's a very honest song, and so I was like, "Is it okay to lay it all out there?" and at the same time, I was like, "This is going to be popular, but do people like stuff like this these days?" because it's about something that pretends to be okay, but it's really not. It's a song about struggles, about trying and trying. This discomfort dies out a bit when you "get used to it", so now I just enjoy the song like the crowd in the song going "Whoa! Whoa!" but the song is too "easy", it's… It's really, really easy to understand, because the lyrics are what it is. You don't even have to scrutinize it to recognize what it says. It's painfully honest.

But when I read the comic, I realized that was the entire point. Ai wanted to be honest, to reveal all of his intimate details, to be accepted, to understand others, to obtain what she thought was a "genuine relationship," and that's why he wrote this song. That's the core of the character. If the core of Aqua's character, which we talked about before (I wrote a different analysis on Aqua once too), is his inability to forgive himself, then the core of Ai's character's motivation is her desire to realize what she thinks is an "ideal form of love."

The problem is that this "lie" as a form of love comes in direct conflict with Ai's idealized notion of "love." After all, in Ai's mind, "true love" should be free of lies. Even when Ai has proposed the idea of lies being a form of love, she didn't even fully believe it herself. Because she kept wearing the mask of an "invincible idol" as an extension of her work, even in her daily life, she wasn't sure whether the love she was giving and receiving was really "love" or not. I think Ai is a character who thinks a lot about these things. This aligns with how celebrities are in real life, too. I realize that there must be many people who think differently from the image they are to be shown in the media.

I think this is what led to the breakup of her relationship with her ex-boyfriend, and I think she was trying to confess all of these feelings in the documentary, and I think it was meant to be a shock to the said character. It's probably going to be something that would hurt her ex-boyfriend in some way. I think this would only work if the boyfriend really loved her. I think she would have had good feelings towards her, love or not on her end as well. It just never came across. Ai's so used to pretending she's okay. She's the type of person who's very secretive and evasive when it comes to deepening a relationship. I think she avoided Kamiki because she thought it would be better for the both of them if she stayed away. On the other hand I think Kamiki would've been very dependent on her, and since this was a relationship he's had when he was very vulnerable and had been through some serious mess, Ai must've been kind of like a lifeline to him. He may have clung to her because she doesn't show her heart very often. Kamiki is an anxious attachment type, but Ai is an avoidant type, and I think that backfired in a very bad way. I don't think Kamiki was able to convince Ai to stay when the breakup happened… I don't know, maybe he was near the hospital when she gave birth because he really wanted to see his kids from a distance, this seems more likely given the how the storyline is going so far.

When Ai says, "I don't know," when Kamiki asks her, "Does Ai love me?" desperate for affection, she's trying to be honest in her own way. She can't simply say "no," to that but she really doesn't know if her feelings for him's really love. She can't lie to herself, so she wants to be honest. (Kamiki would've been so heartbroken, but when you look at the character of Ai, it's surprising to see a relationship without pretense. She wanted to be perfect in every moment, but she wasn't doing that with him.) I believe that Ai may have came to a conclusion that she's never loved anyone, whether towards her fans or to Kamiki, but she wants to "love properly" now. (Now that I think of it, Kana is the polar opposite of Ai. She's very honest and just plain states that she doesn't like her fans that much. It took Ai a really long time to say it, and if Ai was all wrapped up, Kana just went out and blurted it lol… I think that's what makes her so charming.) The song "Idol" was a song that summarizes the whole character of Ai, and I think she wanted to tell everyone that she loved(s) them, just like she could tell her children at the very end of the song.

She didn't want to get back together with her ex because she wanted to continue being an idol. She couldn't have a public relationship. But I think she wanted to show her kids to him because she gained a little bit of courage while raising them. That she could show her real self. When you look at a Ai, you can infer she has a lot welled up. They had always hidden themselves, and now they have "secrets" that are not just their own, living, that grow with time. She's always had vicious circle that led to self-hatred from all the lies she'd been creating, which led to anger and stress…and it was this close to being let out through the movie. Maybe that's why Aqua believes making movies is for her. It's to fulfill her desire to be freed from the lies.

When it comes to whether she loved Kamiki as much as the children or as much as Kamiki craved from her, it's hard to say for now. However, I've always noticed how Ai, who is very careful and cautious when it came to keeping her image, was willing gave her address and tried to show her children to him. That means she thought him as someone who she could trust. I thought that the ex must have liked Ai because they had a positive effect on her after their meeting. Considering their age, it is likely a case of two children who were unprotected and emotionally vulnerable and became close by relying on each other. I'm sure there were to be some type of bond at least.

It's all a matter of speculation, but Ai's method of "caring" usually boils down in ways that the other person has no idea about how Ai herself feels and her circumstances. I think that's what happened in her relationship with her boyfriend. She's like the rabbit doll in the beginning of Mephisto, with her colleagues in IDOL going "You're great! You're never sad or angry!". Everyone around her ends up adoring and blaming her like an object to project upon, without having to think about how Ai feels inside. I think the 15 year-lie would have acted as a confession of that situation, with the message being:

Isn't it possible that she cut him off unilaterally to "protect him from herself," and then when there were signs that things were stabilizing over time, through the children, the president, and the fans, she took the time to call him back when she could, for it to have ended up like this? It's possible that Ai seemed to be so unmoved that her potential feelings didn't resonate with the other party, who felt betrayed at the time because she seemed so cold and distant. Ai doesn't like herself, and may have decided it's better for her to leave. She may have thought that Kamiki's obsession with her was bad for himself, or with him being so driven to the point where he thought that she was all he had. At that point Ai didn't believe she knew love, so she thought he'd be disappointed later. This is only a speculation but Kamiki could've wanted to take responsibility for the children if he knew, but it was Ai who thought it'd better for her to carry all everything and go her separate ways, because if she kept her mouth shut and kept it a secret, it wouldn't hurt him… and it's a child she wanted to have (and if this were to be the case, Kamiki's own wishes probably were never taken into consideration at all). Surprisingly, Kamiki may have feelings of affection for the children he had with Ai. He's never come to met them, but that could be because Ai told him not to. He complimented how Ruby grew up to be so beautiful resembling both him and Ai, that'd mean he must still like her, right? He has a love-hate relationship with Ai, but he's never harmed or came into close contact with either of his children until they were grown up. Could it be that Ai told him to stay away from her when they had the breakup?(And then she calls him up years later and asks if he wants to see the kids, unintentionally driving him insane)

"I've been lying about loving you all this time, and I don't want to do that anymore. Now I'm really going to tell you what's on my mind, and we're going to start over. We're going to build a relationship from the ground."Something like this? Something like this would be best.

If it's something like this, it'll be a blow to Kamiki. It'll be the same as Ryosuke, because he'll realize that he's the one who stabbed the hand that held out to love him and killed it, and he'll never be able to have that love again. It'll be revenge to realize that.

I can be wrong, but… But I still think there was something Ai would've wanted to convey to kamiki through that movie.

Ryosuke is a scumbag, and if Ai's meant what she said to them, I think it would be more of a statement towards all the fans who loved him than it was about him. Kamiki, if he really did instigate Ai's death, also needs to be punished for his respective crimes. Ai contributed to a part of his misery maybe, but… she's never actively harmed anyone. She may have hurt people's feelings, but she never did anything to deserve to die like this, and I don't think it should have happened, no matter what. It's a stalking and killing crime. I think Ai's life was very lonely, but I think she kept reaching out and trying within her limits. I hope all children grow up to be loved. The idea of love took over "Ai's" life, and I think she lived up to her name.

Beyond this are some more speculation, though it's likely to be more off than the stuff above.

For now, that's how I feel about this character.

I don't think Kamiki would have taken it that way, though. it was twisted, in more ways than one.

+ I think the Ai's feelings for Kamiki were… I think she's liked Kamiki quite a bit. Whether it was love is ambiguous. I don't think she would have been able to say for sure that she loved anyone at that point. This character hasn't been taught what love is, so her ideas of theoretical love, and the barriers to it are pretty high. Ai would've been confused going "Oh, is this what love is?" even if it's a level of emotion that most would consider to be love. What they had between them seems like something that could have been love, but never really came to a conclusion. In fact, the contradiction of Ai's character is that she wants to love, but blocks deep feelings for fear of being hurt. I think it would have been difficult for her to love him like she did for her own children, with whom she has an unconditional connection through blood…it would have been impossible for her at that time.

This is completely speculative, but I wonder if when she found out she was pregnant, she hid it, called it quits, and disappeared, because she felt like it would be a burden for him to know, and she thought she could handle it all on her own. She didn't ask for any help, and she didn't ask for anything when she agreed to keep the baby. Kamiki somehow found out and came to the birth and sees it from afar. Ryosuke runs away because he killed someone, but this character didn't do anything harmful to Ai that day. On the contrary, Kamiki may have been subconsciously been influenced by the person who exploited him. He may not have hated the children Ai had with him as much because he saw them as his connection to her. Perhaps after having seen her loving her children he had with her, raising them well, he had hopes that maybe she could get back together with him someday, and maybe she even cared about him a little bit. After he got that call from her, however, he realized that she needed the children but not him, and he despaired that there was no place for him in his life to begin with. Kamiki may not have any hard feelings toward his children. Rather, there might be some kind of inner affection he holds towards them proving as evidence that there was still a relationship between him and Ai; and that's why he sponsored the movie?

As for Ai, It would have been hard for Ai to truly love the children of a man she didn't even like, but there are no signs of that with her, either.. I don't think she broke up with him because she didn't like him. If you look at the phone scene, you get the impression that Ai broke up with him in a pretty casual way, there was a level of willingness to talk to him again and keep in touch and build a relationship from the beginning. This is a big deal coming from Ai because she has little to no friends and only a limited number of people with whom she's had a deep relationship. She's still wanted to form some kind of relationship with her ex-boyfriend, and here we can infer that Kamiki is a pretty important relationship for her. From her point of view, there was room for the future in that relationship. I think she was thinking about starting over with a more authentic relationship with her fans and with her ex-boyfriend. As she grew to love her children, she was subconsciously preparing herself to do so.

By the way, is it really true that Kamiki has been committing murders all this time? I think it could be a huge detriment to the manga's completeness and immersion to reveal the real culprit was someone entirely different at the very end, but we've never seen this character directly do anything, so I think it would be a good idea for the author to bring a twist the plot. It could be just that he feels responsible or guilty because he couldn't stop what's happened… He might actually be someone like Aqua who feels intense guilt for something he wasn't responsible for (I say this is like a 5% chance). Ryosuke is a stalker, so it's possible that he stalked Ai for four years and found out her address on his own. In the case of the actor, it's also possible that Kamiki's warned her to be careful beforehand, but she died anyway, so he's self-loathing saying it's all because of him. If you look closely, he seems to be blaming himself, so he keeps repeating the phrase "because of me." Did he actually kill her? This could be a narrative trick. You see how he's had a terrible past. Himekawa and Uehara may not have been the only ones that died around him, maybe he's cursed? Maybe there's a god that makes people with great talent in the arts unhappy… Anyone would have been suspicious if people around Kamiki kept dying in the first place, but Akane, who did the background check on Kamiki, didn't suspect anything like that, did she? It's never revealed in the story if he killed people, and if so, how many. People just come to infer "oh, he's a psychopathic killer" but just how much of it's right? We'll get to see that soon, I guess.

++Lying is also a keyword that's constantly stressed.

Like I said, I don't think it's very likely… Now that I think about it, the bouquet is a possible connection to Ryosuke. However, he may be less guilty than we thought. If it's true that he's killed other celebrities, the most intuitive reason I can think of is that he didn't want anyone to shine more than Ai's ever did. But what good does that do? What exactly does it mean to this character to feel the weight of his life? :/ Is it actually a positive thing for him, does he want to have a heavy life, does he want to do anything with it? This is something I can't say until the author explains it, because I don't have any information. There is also the matter of God in this story, but I don't know that'd get tied it into the the plot even though the manga is nearing the end. Ai and Kamiki are supposed to be characters who are connected to the gods, probably but I can't make any guesses. I was more confident about the psychological analyses than my plot predictions.

Isn't "15-year old lie two things? Ai lied to her fans that she loved them, and she lied to her boyfriend that she couldn't love him even though she had feelings for him. She told two lies about love, and now she's spilling the beans and saying, as she said before, that she wants to try to love again with her true heart.

The song "Idol" is what summarizes the whole storyline. If there is a lie that can be maintained for 15 years, I think it would be this.

In that case, assuming that the boyfriend loved the child, it would definitely be revenge from Aqua's point of view and give Ai what she's wanted… After all, Ai's narrative is a journey of a child trying to be true.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

"Is this what sadness does to people?" Good omens season 2, please

Ough this is perfect,,,haven't written for this series in 3-4 years so it's good to be back

Time for some emotional damage(tm)

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2 (of course)

........

The bookshop never felt emptier.

With Aziraphale having gone away to Heaven, possibly for good, it was just you and Muriel left to pick up the pieces and run the place in his stead.

You always offered to watch over it for him if he was ever out of town, not caring about whether he pays you or not. You're just happy to help a friend out.

In recent days, however, you noticed the number in your bank account has "mysteriously" gone up a couple hundred dollars, and after doing the math you realized it equated to the hours and days you worked at the shop.

You would have been eternally grateful, but it saddens you more.

Knowing he was watching over you and helping you pay the bills, yet never physically visiting you, left you feeling guilty whenever you spent that money.

Selling the books wasn't an option, as you knew that's not what he would've wanted. And you'd tell Muriel not to even think about doing that, instead letting them indulge in them and allow them to read things about humanity that piqued their interest.

You knew they were an angel sent to spy on things, but it never bugged you; their spirits remained optimistic, mainly because they're ecstatic to work alongside a "human person" such as yourself. They were a delight to hang out with as you showed them your human customs and the like.

Sometimes they'd have to report back to Heaven, though it's only for a short time, and they'd return to Earth to let you know how Aziraphale's doing.

"Oh, he's grand! The Metatron is highly pleased with his work! Big changes are coming from the upstairs, I can tell you that much!"

The one thing they could never say, however, is when he'll revisit Earth, claiming they couldn't personally ask him...and they'd rather not upset any higher-ranking angels with such a dubious question.

You understood, and left them be.

Still, you'd look across the street and hope that heavenly elevator would one day reappear..and you'd see Aziraphale step out, cutting his ties to Heaven for good, and making things right.

It could happen at any time.

A few weeks, a few months, a few years....or maybe a few hundred years after you're long gone will he finally change his mind.

Neither Heaven nor Hell (or anywhere in-between) will be able to stop you from coming back and giving that oblivious angel an earful should you learn of his return.

For now, however, you wanted to focus on the present.

And that meant not just running the bookshop...but also helping Crowley process all of this.

Nobody was more heartbroken than the demon who's been by Aziraphale's side for over 6,000 years and helped him stop Armageddon, only for their relationship to crumble in just one day.

All because he was pushed to communicate his true and honest feelings.

You had no idea it even happened until he showed up on your doorstep at midnight in a drunken stupor, saying he was "gone".

Your immediate thought was death or "discorporation", but then he managed to tell you that the angel went back to Heaven and it was "over" between them. He stayed the night, crying and blubbering nonsense when he thought you couldn't hear him, and left the next morning before you could tell him he can live with you.

Since then, he stopped by the shop less and less often, always wearing his shades despite being once comfortable enough to leave them off around you.

It hurts to see him close up all his emotions, not wanting to burden you with his "miserableness".

All he does now is go on long drives with his plants and shout at them for the simple crime of existing, jam to Queen and Hoizer songs to drown out the noise in his head, and drink until he can't walk straight.

Suddenly poison became his new preference over red wine.

When he does visit the shop, he just mopes around and rambles about something he and Aziraphale did a few centuries ago, clearly in a state of reminiscence.

He never did, however, explain what he did in a final plea to make him stay..

You'll soon come to learn that tonight as you were getting ready to close up shop, sweeping around while Muriel organized some papers on what used to be the angel's desk.

The bell above the door jingled, and you turned off the music, looking to see Crowley enter. For once, he didn't look immensely drunk, which was a good thing...but still, he had a persistent forlorn expression.

The same kind you'd see after somebody breaks up with the love of their life.

"Evening, Crowley." You smiled sympathetically, putting down your hot chocolate. "We were just locking up shop for the night."

"I can see that....is he..?"

"No." Sighing, you shook your head, before looking to Muriel. "Can you excuse us, Muriel?"

They blinked, staring at you and tilting their head. "Should I go upstairs?"

"Yes, if you could..thank you."

"Righty-o!" With a pep in their step, they closed up the book in their hands and headed up the steps, promising not to eavesdrop on whatever conversation you're going to have with the demon.

They honestly never minded his presence, even though they really should be reporting on his behaviors.

Either way, they respected your space.

Once they were gone, you glanced back at Crowley to see him flop into one of the chairs, ready to down the entire wine bottle that somehow manifested in his hands.

"I think that's enough for you, mister."

You walked over and took it from his grasp, watching him whine and mope that he can "handle" his liquor, to which you called bullshit..considering he very much can't. He hasn't since Aziraphale left.

"I see ya found your...replacement..?" His words were slurred, being hard to understand with his thick Scottish accent.

"Crowley, you're looking at this all wrong. Muriel's not his replacement-"

"Bullockssss...they're...so jolly and angel-like...like his stupid face was."

"That's because they're both angels. Look, can you just..sober up already?" You huffed, growing irritated. It's like you were trying to parent some 6,000 year old teenager. "I know you can do that instantly."

"...you do?" He gawked behind his shades. "Since when didja know that much about me? Who told you, silly human?"

"...you did. We celebrated New Year's Eve together. Several of them, actually."

"Ah....you got me there. But I promise 'm fine." He sat up, gazing at you intensely. "This is the only way I can tell ya what..um...really happened that day, and if I don't tell ya now I'm...I-I'm never gonna tell ya...because this "communicating" thing's getting to be real hard lately and-"

"I get it. I understand, Crowley." You pulled up a chair, sitting across from him with a slight frown. "Can you..just look me in the eyes so I know you're taking this seriously?"

"...'m as serious as I ever was, [y/n]-"

"Crowley."

"Fine. Is THIS serious enough for you?" With bitterness to his words, he ripped off his glasses to scowl at you. His golden eyes were already filled to the brim with tears, looking more animalistic, while simultaneously having lost their spark.

You tried not to flinch, having not seen them in such a long time that...you nearly forgot what they looked like at all.

When you didn't react the way he expected, he sighed and slumped back in the chair, keeping the glasses in his lap.

Eventually, he confessed to kissing Aziraphale in a last-ditch effort to make him stay and understand that he wanted to be with him and only him.

He wanted them both to go off to the stars together, like Gabriel and Beelzebub got to do after the archangel got his memories back.

It was so easy for them, yet apparently impossible for the two who have been collaborating for thousands of years...as Aziraphale simply couldn't detach himself from Heaven and thought that he could "fix" Crowley if he went with him.

It just didn't seem fair.

At one point, he nearly started smoking again, seething over three certain words that were spoken to him after that kiss...only to calm down as your hand came to rest on his knee, and you guided him through one of the human breathing exercises he once used.

This time, he got to ten without causing a lightning storm in the bookshop, thank goodness.

Only afterwards did he manage to tell you those words.

"He said..."I forgive you"."

"For..what?" Your eyebrows furrowed with confusion.

"Exactly my point!" He threw his hands up in the air. "Forgive me for what? That? Or for being an idiot who held onto the tiniest bit of hope that we could'a worked something out?"

"....you know, I never understood these...mushy feelings you humans get." He brushed away a stray tear that rolled down his cheek, only for another one to fall down the opposite side. But he gave up and just sniffled, hands clasped together. "Is this what sadness does to people?"

"...I wish I knew what he meant, Crowley."

There was a pause.

"Unfortunately, yes." You nodded, leaning over to take his hands into yours. "It sucks, and you wish it can all just go away with some drinks and Queen music..but as long as that hole stays in your heart, nothing will ever fill it."

"Then how do you cope? 'cuz those things haven't been doing a lotta good for me lately.."

For a moment you were quiet, wondering what you could possibly do to help him feel better in this moment. You couldn't just drag Aziraphale out of Heaven and demand him to do the "apology dance".

But you eventually did think of one thing that assures him that he's not alone and didn't have to carry this burden.

"Well, some of us humans appreciate hugs during times of sadness. Would you care for one?"

As you took your hands away, Crowley looked up to see your holding your arms out to him. His gaze was intense as he debated on whether or not to take this offer of yours.

Demons didn't give or receive hugs.

They didn't deserve them.

But he already came to the conclusion that he wasn't like most of his kind.

Why did he care?

"Listen..I know this won't make everything better. It won't bring him back, but-"

But you stopped as his head came to rest on your shoulder, although you wrapped your arms around him right away, ignoring the stench of sulfur in his clothes and wine in his breath. You knew he needed this comfort badly.

It didn't take long for him to break, his voice hitching with quiet sobs as he hugged you back, unshed tears finally flowing as he grieved for what could have been.

All you could do was let him lean on you, feeling your shirt growing damp.

"H-He was everythin' to me, [y/n]..."

"I know.."

"We...W-We could have been us. Together for eternity."

"I know. Maybe he'll come back some day."

"...i-it's gonna take more than a miracle for that to happen.."

[averageanonymous]

Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale go stargazing, and Aziraphale wonders just how much Crowley remembers from before his fall.

A fluffy little bit of post-series happiness.

☆~☆~☆~☆~☆

“Shame you can't see more stars from London,” Crowley laments with a sigh, easing back onto the fluffy quilt beneath them. He folds his hands under his head, crosses his legs at the ankles, and gazes up at the darkening sky. A red glow lines the horizon, and the stars are just beginning to peer down from the heavens. 

“Mmm,” Aziraphale agrees from his right, still sitting up, legs folded beneath him. “It would certainly be more convenient. Although, surely there's somewhere closer we could've gone.” 

“If you're going to stargaze, you have to do it properly,” Crowley counters, “No light pollution.” 

“But Nevada?” Aziraphale insists. 

“Sierra Nevada mountains,” Crowley agrees with a nod, “Stunning views. One of the darkest places on the planet. And we've never been.” 

When Aziraphale still doesn't seem convinced, Crowley sighs, “Come on, angel, it's an adventure.” 

Finally, Aziraphale smiles, “It is that. I do hope Muriel manages the shop alright, though.” 

“They'll be just fine,” Crowley reassures him. 

Comfortable silence falls between them. Not true silence, but the silence that exists where humanity is absent. A silence punctuated by cricket song and the rustle of rodents through the grass, the flap of bat wings and the murmur of a gentle breeze through trees that tower all around. 

They listen and they watch and Crowley decides he would rather prefer it if the angel were down on the blanket with him. He brings one hand from under his head to tug on Aziraphale’s sleeve. Aziraphale glances down at him in question, then gives him a humoring smile when Crowley jerks his head towards the spot on the blanket beside him. With a sigh of his own, Aziraphale stretches out, his head settling easily on Crowley's arm. 

“That's better,” Crowley says, nipping Aziraphale’s ear playfully. 

“Oh, stop that,” Aziraphale scolds him, making no move whatsoever to actually stop the demon as he presses teasing kisses to his neck. After a moment, though, Crowley settles back, his focus returning to the sky. Well, most of his focus. There's definitely a portion still very much aware of the angel tucked into his side, a nudging mental voice telling him to forget the silly stars and pay all his attention to the wondrous work of art lying right beside him. But he does his best to ignore that part. They did come a long way, after all. 

More and more stars appear above them, as though layers upon layers of gauzy curtains are being drawn back one by one, each unveiling a new spread of glittering gems scattered across the black velvet sky. The dusty band of the milky way stretches from horizon to horizon. 

“Look at that…” Crowley marvels, breathless. 

Aziraphale looks at the glittering sky, then turns his gaze to Crowley. Crowley's bright eyes are lost in the beauty of the canvas above them, his expression almost reverent. Aziraphale’s brow knits slightly as he looks at the demon, an expression caught between reminiscence and profound sadness. Crowley notices it out of the corner of his eye. 

“What's on your mind,” Crowley asks easily. Aziraphale starts slightly at being caught staring. 

“Just…remembering,” Aziraphale tells him honestly, but there's more caution in his voice than Crowley would expect.

Remembering what, he wants to ask. But he doesn't. Crowley waits. He can tell there's more Aziraphale wants to say. If he's quiet, it'll come out sooner rather than later. 

“Crowley,” Aziraphale finally turns towards him. He rests his arm over the demon's narrow frame and gently asks, “how much do you remember… From before…?” The exquisite tenderness in Aziraphale's voice softens the question. Crowley still stiffens, though. He can't help it. Whatever he was expecting, this wasn't it. Aziraphale feels his tension and immediately walks the question back, “You don't have to answer that, love, it was, well, I know it's not fair to ask.” 

“No, nah, s'alright angel,” Crowley says softly after a moment, his arm tightening around Aziraphale, “We've never talked about it. Hard to believe after six thousand years…” 

He's quiet for a long moment, then shifts himself until the two of them are lying face to face on the blanket. Crowley takes Aziraphale’s hand in his, threading their fingers together, then props his head up on his other arm, looking down at Aziraphale, but his gaze is lost somewhere in the past. Aziraphale waits patiently. Finally he says, “It's impressions, mostly, more than any sort of actual memories. The Fall…sort of burns away most of the specifics.” 

Another long stretch of heavy silence. 

Crowley's voice is hushed when it comes, “I remember God,” he pauses, then continues, “and bits and pieces of creation. Faces, conversations, most all that's a blur. I remember… early on, feeling…bliss, I guess. Peace, at any rate. Knowing I was a part of something. Of course that was before-” 

Crowley breaks off a bit abruptly, looking back up at the stars. 

“Before what?” Aziraphale prompts, squeezing Crowley's hand.

Crowley groans, “Ahhh well, before you.” 

Aziraphale raises an eyebrow, and Crowley grins, lifting their linked hands to brush his lips over the angel's knuckles. “Bet you thought I forgot, eh?” Crowley teases, “The Pillars of Creation, I think it was… First time I met you. I remember you helping me, got me asking questions. I've not got a lot of memories, but…guess you made an impression on me.”

To Crowley's surprise, Aziraphale’s face crumples in dismay, his blue eyes pained. He looks away as though he could hide it. “Crowley,” he says quietly, his voice nothing less than devastated, “I'm so sorry. I never meant to… I only wanted to-to help, and you were so joyful, so exuberant and- and you didn't know about-” 

“Shhh no, no, no, stop all that,” Crowley interrupts him quickly, gathering him into his arms. He chuckles quietly, brushing his nose playfully against Aziraphale’s to encourage him to lift his face, to meet his eyes. When he does, Crowley insists, “Angel, I didn't fall because of you. You know I wasn't ever going to last as one of you lot. It's not your fault. You…opened my eyes a bit, maybe, but I made my choices.

“And you know I wouldn't trade a thing,” Crowley continues quietly, adamantly, pulling Aziraphale even closer, his breath warm on Aziraphale’s skin as he speculates, “because being a demon is the only reason I got to be on Earth with you all these years. If I were still an angel, I'd probably be stuck in some corner of the universe running routine maintenance on dark matter and black holes and-” 

Aziraphale kisses him then, and Crowley is more than happy to let the remaining threads of the conversation spin away like leaves caught in a whirlwind. The angel, for all his public decorum and proper manners, always kisses him like he's starving for it. It makes Crowley feel like a star on the brink of a supernova, the rush of emotions like a celestial tide pulling him out into a starry sea. He smiles against Aziraphale’s lips.

Aziraphale's hands trace up his chest, dance over his collarbones, trail the column of his throat before threading into his hair. Each touch of fingers to skin races down his spine. His breath sounds haggard in his own ears as Aziraphale trails kisses along his jaw, fingers in his hair pulling his head back gently. 

And then, after not nearly enough, and with one last gentle kiss to Crowley's lips and another to his brow, Aziraphale settles back. 

Crowley is about to growl his dissatisfaction with this change of direction, but Aziraphale shushes his complaints before he can even voice them. He tips his face up to the sky and then looks back at Crowley with eyes as bright as any star. “We did come a damn long way to look at these stars,” he chides warmly. 

“Hnnnn,” Crowley grumbles, but he too settles back into the blanket, arms around his angel, legs tangled together, and turns his face to the sky. 

☆~☆~☆~☆~☆

Thanks for reading!

Have you ever gone legit stargazing in a place where you can see the Milky Way and shooting stars? It's literally one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. It makes you feel so small.

[lurkinglurkerwholurks]

Chicken Bones

First posted: October 2, 2019

Focuses on: Bruce Wayne & Jason Todd

Favorite bookmark: "Jason technically has a panic attack and runs away from dinner" I mean... yes? I guess?

Tier: In top 20 for hits, middle of the pack for everything else

This is my “behind the scenes” series where I indulge myself horribly by annotating my fics. Link to the fic itself above. Thoughts below the cut.

Not to be weird about it, but I feel like I have... I don't know, eras? Not eras, because I haven't been writing enough for that, but I do have groupings or pockets of fics that come out together that I just really, really like. This is the start of one of them.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, that might just be Whumptober. Whoops.

This fic started, really, with me mulling over the fact that Jason Todd murdered people. He hunted people down, trapped them, killed them, and cut off their heads. Comic violence is different from IRL violence in its flamboyance, I know, but that's SUCH a big thing. And comics and fics tend to come at it from the POV of it being a point of strife between Bruce and Jason as a point of principle rather than dealing with the practical ramifications, but I wanted to get into—if you'll forgive the pun—meat of the issue.

“Peace does not come before salvation, and salvation does not come without truth.”—Ekemeni Uwan

This is, as far as I can recall, the only time I've pretentiously opened a fic with a quote, but it was stuck in my head the entire time I was writing. It's from the opening to a song called "Facts" by Lecrae. So he was being pretentious first, really.

His life back in Gotham would never be fully settled. There were still cracks in the sediment, lingering fissures from upheavals both inflicted upon him and created by him, and the ground would never be wholly at rest. . . . But Jason liked to think he had learn to find the rhythm amongst the turmoil. He might not be able to prevent the earth from coming unmoored, but he could learn to anticipate the trembles before they arrived.

I have no idea where the earthquake metaphor came from. It worked, though. And came in handy later. But also I really like the idea of Jason working through lingering issues but being prepared to deal with them as they come? That's progress, baby! That's health!

It had been a good day, a good day at the end of a string of good days, a day that Jason had woken up happy to be in.

I think I felt a little bad about some of my previous Sad Jason fics. But also, psychologically, he needed the good days to make the sudden revelation snap into place.

He had cleaned in the morning, dust and hair and grime flying up in clouds before duster and broom and lost beneath cascades of soap bubbles.

I prefer Jason as a neat freak. I also absolutely pictured him scrubbing on his knees and singing to soap bubbles like Cinderella.

They were seated in the back dining room, the glass doors rolled aside to let the crisp autumn air filter into the little-used space.

Logistics, logistics, my head spins with logistics. I hate visualizing spatial things. This one was weirdly easy, though. I knew what was going to happen next needed SPACE, so it needed to be outside. But it was also a meal, so I needed a sort of in-between space. The nice thing about the Manor is it's very TARDIS-y. Just slap on an extra room. Unfold that pocket dimension.

Bruce had his collar unbuttoned to his sternum and sat with his elbows on the table, hands loosely clasped as he listened to his eldest.

Casual ho Bruce Wayne, ilu

The menu for the evening was a compromise between the butler’s exacting standards and the relaxed nature of an indoor picnic. The initial pitch for fried chicken had been rejected and replaced by individual Cornish hens for that classy Alfred touch. Plates were passed around, a hen per person (except for Damian, who was given a fruit salad), and enough sides to make Jason feel contentedly full just looking at them.

Again, logistics strike. I knew what the main course had to be for the story, roughly, but Alfred's not going to plunk down a store-bought rotisserie chicken on the table. I also more or less hew to the fanon of vegetarian Damian, so that was another obstacle. Have I mentioned that I don't cook? Food is a mystery. Rich people food is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Why do I do this to myself.

Dick’s story reached its peak, the air around them bright with the bite of autumn and the wheeze of Bruce’s asthmatic goose laugh.

I can't remember where I picked up the idea that Bruce has a thoroughly unattractive real laugh—Audrey, probably. Everything I pick up and can't immediately attribute inevitably circles back to CEC. I like it an awful lot, though.

Jason passed the basket of rolls to his left, then took the leg of his hen and twisted. It was like a gunshot, like an explosion, like a death. He didn’t hear it so much as feel the snap of the toothpick-wide bone against his fingertips. It felt like an earthquake and he was shattering.

I am curious how many people forgot that the fic started with a warning and were lulled into happiness and contentment just like Jason.

Blunt fingers touched his wrist.

Bruce Wayne has square fingertips, I will die on this hill.

Bruce caught up with him yards deep into the lawn, in the empty space between the house and the ring of trees that separated the Manor from the rest of the lawn.

LOGISTICSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I'd already written about the exterior of the Manor in a few other fics so I had to keep those details AND figure out exactly where to place Bruce and Jason that would make sense both for them and for the family watching from the deck. I didn't want anyone else involved.

Also, note that Bruce booked it.

He wanted to keep running, to run and run and run until he passed the eastern edge of the world and drowned in the sun and the sweetwater.

Hello Narnia reference, specifically my favorite book in the entire series.

The others were watching from the house. He knew this without turning to look, could feel the pressure of their attention and concern like chains around his neck.

In my dreams, someone would draw this. Jason and Bruce in the forefront, crouched in autumn golds and reds, the rest of the family standing alert and alarmed on a raised brick patio.

Also, some part of the vibe of this backyard comes directly from my aunt's big house that we would visit before she got divorced. Not a thing about it is the same and yet, the vibes, the vibes.

Bruce was here and Bruce knew. Bruce had been there, had seen, had still invited Jason to his table. Jason whirled, reaching blindly for a hand he knew would be there.

This is part of what I was really eager to dig into, not only Jason remembering what he did and fighting to reconcile that resurfaced memory of who he was with who he is but also grappling with what that must meant for about about Bruce.

Even without knowing who was reaching, Bruce’s hand would always be there.

I don't remember writing that specific line and I want to time travel back just to high-five myself. EVEN WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS REACHING, BRUCE'S HAND WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE.

He had seen a video once of a beach as the water pulled out, sucked back by the tsunami building out at sea. While disaster gathered miles away, tourists had gathered to gape at stranded sea creatures, gasping on the newly exposed seabed. Jason felt like one of the fools stuck in the muck, wet sand squelching between his toes. Disaster was coming. It wasn’t here yet.

See, the earthquake metaphor in the beginning is coming back, Fukushima style. (Those kinds of videos freak me out, PLEASE be aware of what an impending tsunami looks like.)

He was on the lawn and then he was in the trees. Jason's voice had been building, rising higher and higher like the crest of a wave, like the crescendo, towering above and throwing the world into deep shadow. But Bruce was the impact, the force of the ocean crashing down on him. Bruce’s hands gripped his arms like iron bands, lifted him off his feet, and dragged him into the ring of trees.

I know I was mentally seeing a specific action segment from a movie when I wrote this because of how clearly I can see Bruce react and haul Jason bodily away. I just can't remember the movie now. Pity.

Jason knew he had blood on his hands. He knew what he had done. But he had forgotten how it had felt to hack through the vertebrae of another human being. How it had felt to plant his boot on a broad, lifeless back to get the purchase to sever the last few stringy tendons of flesh. How it had felt to chuck his prize into a waiting bag like a piece of rotten fruit.

Yeah, a little gruesome, but I wanted to treat comics violence as real violence for a minute. If I'm to treat these characters with realism and common sense, then fine, we're going to go all the way. Taking a life deliberately is a psychological hurdle most people cannot cross (thankfully), and decapitation is a huge step even beyond that. The actions Jason took were unnecessary, depraved, and evil. That was why he did them, for the shock value derived from breaking such innate taboos. He was never meant to be treated as right or justified in any way, and I am staring factions of the fandom dead in the eye when I say this.

“How can you stand to look at me?” Jason’s throat felt scraped raw and the question was little more than a rasp. Bruce shifted slightly, an inquiry without words. “I killed people, Bruce,” Jason said, voice cracking anew at the confession. “Not just killed. I decapitated them. And I liked it. How can you—how can any of you—“ “You are my son.”

something something mortifying ordeal of being known something something unconditional love not meaning excusing all because of love but persevering even through the inexcusable to labor to a place of reconciliation and redemption

“Do you still love Catherine?” Bruce asked.

I had zeeeeeero idea how I was going to dig myself out of this conversation or find an explanation that was satisfactory to me for how Bruce could be so steadfast without excusing or minimizing what Jason did, but then, tada. Yay brain.

“She made choices, Jay, and they weren’t always good. Some were very bad, and you paid the price for them. You both did. But her addiction was real, and it wasn’t an excuse, but it was a reason. And you still love her.”

Catch me also separating the deification of Catherine through Jason's eyes from objective reality.

Bruce’s thumb wiped the last lingering tear from Jason’s cheek. Jason huffed a broken laugh, embarrassed at last. “Thanks, B.” Bruce didn’t answer. His only acknowledgement was to pull his arm around Jason’s shoulders and guide them both toward the Manor where their family waited for their return.

w o w that last bit is a doozy since I wasn't even writing The Return yet and wouldn't know for AGES that the two fics were even connected. Huh.

Also, the secret tucked into the end note was something I knew while writing but couldn't figure out a way to work in (Bruce would NEVER tell Jason that and Jason can't know, from his own perspective), so it's just a little treat for readers now.

And lastly, this fic was originally published under the name "Chicken Leg" but that felt wrong and stupid so I changed it almost immediately.

[itstimetojellyfish]

Must you go?…( Platonic Misha x reader)

Ehhhhh…. I’ve been posting a lot of fluff so to even it out it’s time for angst!BTW reader sees misha as an older brother , the story will explain.

Oh and this is the music boxes song , Genshin players might recognize it .

Locus amoenus

Anyways! Time to emotionally traumatize yall!

“Must you go big brother? “ You asked .

The light haired boy just smiled at you before replying,” Yes , I do.” He pats your head gently before heading off to clean the streets of Penacony .

Little did you know , that would be the last day you would see your elder brother.

He found you in an alleyway , all alone and cold , with thin rags covering your body that didn’t do anything to keep you warm from the chilled air . You were surrounded by garbage and broken glass so it took a while to clean .

He took you in , gave you clean clothes , a nice bed , and a warm blanket plus a place to stay that’s better than the alley you were found in.

Ever since that day , you followed him as he cleaned the streets and helped him sometimes, he even got you a smaller broomstick identical to his .

He introduced you to new people , like the trailblazer , who in your opinion, smelled like citrusy dew with a hint of honey .

When you told him this he looked at you with a surprised look on his face and asked how he smelled like , you replied with fresh ice with a hint of mint .

Turns out you had an advanced sense of smell , you could smell emotions, but only general ones . Such as happiness or sadness. Nothing too complex .

Misha usually smelled like ice and mint , that was his emotion of contentment , however , that day , he still had ice in his smell , but… the mint was gone and was replaced with an overpowering scent of something lemony .

You didn’t know what that scent meant , so you let it go and figured you would find out later when Misha came back to you , he would usually let you tag along but at days he would tell you to stay with Gallagher , the brown dude who said he was 13 even though he has a beard .

He smelled like alcoholic drinks with a bit of blood mixed in , but you didn’t mind it , you just assumed it was something else that you didn’t know the smell of .

Misha usually didn’t let you tag along when the trailblazer came to meet him , those days he had that lemony scent that made your nose scrunch up .

When you stayed over at Gallagher’s place , you tried to help by bringing him ingredients, and time to time he left and made you watch over the bar while he greeted the trailblazer and Misha .

Today was no exception, Misha dropped you off at where Gallagher worked at , you stayed there for a while , but you were feeling a little mischievous and sneaked out when you were getting ingredients .

You decided the main objective of your super secret mission was to find your elder brother , so off you went exploring the streets of penacony!

As you walked around the roads of Penacony , you finally saw Misha and the trailblazer talking in a corner and then walking off .

You felt a little bit heartbroken , did Misha prefer the trailblazer more then you for company? Were you too much work for him , maybe it’s because you’re too energetic….

But nevertheless , you didn’t let that discourage you and trailed after them , you couldn’t hear anything except trio , and same . Hm…. You couldn’t find any thing that connected to those words so you dropped it.

You started to head towards them ,but before you could even say anything to them , Gallagher found you and dragged you back to the bar stating that you weren’t supposed to be outside of the bar without telling him.

How rude!

After a while , Gallagher dropped you off at Misha’s house , how unusual! Misha usually came to pick you up! But there are times he works overtime so it’s okay!

You entered the house only to realize , wait….. where’s Misha at?…. He does work overtime but…. Never up to midnight?…..

Soon , someone knocked at the door, it was the trailblazer! You felt sorta jealous about Misha hanging out with them but it’s okay! Everyone can have different friends!

“ Hey …. Are you Y/N?” The trailblazer asked , you noticed a pale blue and white music box in their hands , elegantly decorated with stars and planets.

You nodded before the trailblazer put the music box in your hands and told you ,” Open it , it’s a gift from Misha , and handle it gently okay?”

You stare at them suspiciously before opening the music box and winding the handle so it plays , soft music . Akin to the stars moving .

Soon , after that , a holographic image of an , who looks like the older version of Misha started to talk to you .

“ Hello , Y/N , yes I am Misha , unfortunately you can’t communicate with me because this is a pre-recorded message , so please just listen to me .”

You tilt your head to the side as misha continues , is this truly your elder brother?

“ This message is here to inform that I … have passed away ,” Your heart stopped as your skin went pale .” Although I wished to have stayed with you and play the part of your elder brother, time waits for no one .”

Your pupils shrink as the information that Misha , the person who saved you and considered as your brother , is now dead.

“ I have not regretted all this time looking over you and caring for you as if you were my own blood , while you were a piece of work , I still found myself enjoying my time with you .”

You start to hiccup and sniff as tears poured down your face like a water fall , the trailblazer there behind you crying silent tears .

He kneels down to your eye level before saying ,” After all this time , I’m sorry I have to leave, dear child , please, live a life you’ll remember…. “

“Goodbye Y/N.”

The hologram stopped as the music box closed leaving you two in silence , the words echoing around in your head.

You stood there shocked . Tears running down your cheeks as you took in every single thing he said .

What happened?….Misha?… He’s gone now?…

You dropped to your knees where the hologram was and blink slowly .The trailblazer kneeled down with you and hugged you as the truth settled in.

“ I’m so sorry …” they whispered in your ear.

The dam broke as all the water started to rush out .

“ No No No ! Big brother can’t be dead! He can’t leave me!!”

You wailed and started to cry uncontrollably as you thrashed around in their hold , resisting reality .

The trailblazer just hugged you and kept you there as they cried along with you , silently accepting what you couldn’t .

Why did Misha leave you?! You need him….

“Please come back , Misha…. “ You plead quietly .

But you know .

He’s gone and he isn’t coming back .

————————————————————————

[barclaysangel]

A Siren’s Embrace; Chapter 5: Connection of the Sea

Here's chapter 5, y'all! Aaaand the last chapter for now because I haven't finished chapter 6. My brain is all over the place, doing homework, starting my masters program in less than 3 weeks, AND got a new sapphic story idea that involves witches. So...yeah. I'm a mess. Buuuuut, hopefully you guys like this chapter. It's more angsty than the other chapters and once again, I projected so much of myself and my family life into Nika and her family. So things that are said near the end are things that happened in my real life. It's fine, I'll live. But please comment, comments make me feel happy and I hope to one day get back into this story because I do have ideas for further chapters, I just can't figure out a proper ending. I still hope y'all like this story though.

Thank you and enjoy :)

Word count: 2K

Tags: @streets-in-paradise @king-of-wicked

Nika’s world was falling apart. 

At least that’s what it felt like to her. 

Her world felt like it was slowly dissipating, crumbling, going to turn to dust and vanish at any given moment. She knew her parents loved her, wanted the best for her and all. But if she had to hear about how she needed to get her shit together and figure out what she wanted to do in life one more time, she’s going to explode. 

Whether that be in rage or depression was unclear and would end up being a surprise to Nika and everyone around her. 

She knew she should figure out what the hell she wanted to do. But for fuck’s sake, she just graduated high school. Nika’s going to a community college close by to figure out what she wanted to major in, what she felt connected to because high school certainly didn’t create any connections. But she knows her father would prefer it if she figured it out now and went straight into a university. 

But…she couldn’t. Nika didn’t know what she wanted to do yet, she was barely 18 years old. She just needed some time to figure it out before condemning herself to a path where she would feel complacent or self-loathing. 

Is that really too much to ask? 

“Nika?” Pearl said her name, snapping the human out of her thoughts, a small look of concern in her sea green eyes. “Okay? You are quiet. Sad. Why are you quiet and sad?” 

Nika put on a smile and shook her head. “Sorry, I’m just distracted. I’m okay, you don’t need to worry. I’m not sad.” 

“Yes you are,” Pearl replied quickly as she stared so deeply at Nika, “I can feel it. Your sadness. It is strong. I feel your sadness.”

Is it possible for mermaids to just feel what you’re feeling? She wondered silently. Maybe. There was still so much that Nika didn’t know about humans yet, she wouldn’t entirely be surprised. Sometimes it felt like Pearl was staring so deep into the human’s soul, discovering all of her deepest and darkest secrets. 

It must be an effect that the mermaid has on her, that’s all. 

Nika didn’t say anything for a moment, her mouth opening and then closing before just shaking her head as she looked away. “I’ll be okay. Really. It’s…hard to explain anyway, you really don’t need to worry about it.” 

“I worry,” Pearl said, once again without any hesitation, “you are sad. You are in pain. In here,” She pressed a wet finger to Nika’s chest, right where her heart is, “and in here.” Her finger moved to the center of the human’s forehead. 

She didn’t really know what to say at first, looking away again until the mermaid rested her hand on her shoulder. “Speak to me…please?” 

Something about Pearl was truly persuasive, even when there was no siren song used. There was something gentle about her touch, the look in her eyes, that felt like maybe, just maybe, she could understand. 

“It’s…hard. To talk about. To explain. No one else really understands except my friends but…it’s not fair to burden them with these problems. My parents…they’re tough. Sometimes too tough. I’m their only child and they want the best for me but…it’s too much. It feels like I can’t breathe around them. It…it feels like I’m drowning.” 

Pearl tilted her head slightly. “You are not drowning. I saved you.”

Nika couldn’t help but to smile a little, despite how she was feeling at the moment. “Not drowning literally. Just…feeling. In here and here,” she pointed to her own chest and head, “it feels like I’m drowning and I can’t breathe. It’s too much and they just don’t get it. They don’t see it. I…I don’t think they ever will. I just…I feel so alone here…” 

The human didn’t even know why she was unloading like this in front of Pearl. The mermaid would truly never understand those pressures and there was nothing that could be done. Nothing would change, Nika had accepted it a long time ago. Didn’t make it hurt any less, but it was something she just needed to get over. 

Yet here Pearl was, frowning, looking as if she was upset on Nika’s behalf. Like she had been the one who was wronged. Finally, the mermaid spoke, “I have a gift for you. Stay, please?” The human barely had time to nod before Pearl flung herself into the ocean. 

Maybe you freaked her out. Congrats, stupid, you weirded out a mermaid with your pathetic family issues. She thought to herself and she ran both of her hands over her face and up through her hair, trying to block out the pessimistic voice. 

Nika took a few deep breaths to push back the tears that were threatening to expose themselves in her eyes before the green-eyed mermaid came back, her blue tail swishing in the water, and holding out a rather large conch shell to the human. 

This wasn’t Pearl’s first gift of seashells at all. She had given her many that now reside in Nika’s room, all of which she had claimed to her parents that she found from her recent trips to the beach. But this was certainly the largest one, barely fitting in both of the mermaid’s hands. 

Huh…receiving gifts must be Pearl’s love language.

“Oh, Pearl…it’s beautiful,” Nika said softly before carefully taking the conch shell from her, holding it in her own hands, “you didn’t need to give this to me.”

“I did.” Pearl replied before she pulled herself onto the rock, sitting right beside the human with their shoulders now touching. “Shell is strong. Shiny. Beautiful. You are strong. Shiny. Beautiful. You are my seashell.”

Nika wasn’t quite sure what Pearl meant by the last part, but either way, it made her heart flutter from the compliments. She was sure that this was the mermaid’s way to try and cheer her up and in a way, it worked. 

She really did appreciate the sentiment, even if it was a bit out of the ordinary. 

Oh, what the hell, she was friends with a fucking mermaid. It’s been out of the ordinary for a long time. 

“Thank you. Really. I…I appreciate it,” Nika said with a soft smile as she held the conch close to her, “I’m at my happiest whenever I see you. You just…make me feel better.” 

Her confession caused Pearl to smile more and got a certain glint in her eyes, as if she had decided on something. “I will see you more. I will make you happy.” 

The human didn’t have time to question her on that before she realized how late it was and that she needed to go home soon, promising Pearl that she would try and see her again tomorrow. 

Nika almost wished that she hadn’t gone home when she did arrive, because the questions on her whereabouts were thrown again. 

“I went to the beach. I wanted to get some fresh air, it’s gonna be weird not going to school for a while.” She threw out her excuse to them, thankful that having overprotective parents caused her to be pretty decent when it came to lying. 

“You’ve been going out to the beach so often, Annika” Her mother started to tell her, “you need to be more careful. Maybe you should be staying inside some more, especially with what happened to Erickson recently.” 

Nika knew exactly what her mother was referring to. Erickson was an old and irritating man, someone who often spent his time harassing preteen girls and throwing his beer bottles or other garbage into the ocean. Nika would clean up after him whenever she saw his trash and throw them away properly. She was never fond of him but since they lived close by, she just tried to steer clear from him and pay him no mind. 

It would be a lot easier now since Erickson’s body was found just a couple of days ago on the shores of the beach. Well, rather what was left of him. From what Nika had heard, he had been mauled apart. She had to sneak around to the other side of the beach to see Pearl because of all the caution tape around and trying to investigate the scene. 

“Erickson was a drunk who probably decided to go swimming in the middle of the ocean and got attacked by a shark. Or maybe some other wild animal, who knows,” She told both of her parents with a nonchalant look on her face, “I’m very careful whenever I go, okay? I don’t go too far into the ocean when I go surfing or swimming. Really, I’m not going to die.”

Let’s just forget about the part where you did drown when you went surfing and only survived because of a mermaid, they certainly didn’t need to know about that.

“That doesn’t matter, you need to be more careful. I don’t even know what you do at the beach, you should be doing more exercise so you can lose weight.” Her father told her suddenly, even pointedly staring at her stomach. 

If Nika could scream from the top of her lungs without facing any repercussions, she absolutely would at that very moment. 

If she had a dollar for every fucking time her father or both her parents mentioned her weight in a negative manner, she would’ve skipped town, left Neptune Bay in the rearview mirror, because she’d be a fucking billionare. 

Nika wasn’t skinny. If she thought hard about it, she hadn’t been skinny since she was in kindergarten. She was chubby but she tried to not let it bother her. She tried to own up to her curves and find the beauty within herself, the beauty that Jay and Lucy point out all the time. 

But then her parents’ open their mouths with their opinions and all that self-confidence goes straight down the drain. 

Don’t you see what you’re fucking doing to me? You’re killing me. You’re. Fucking. Killing. Me. I want to hurt myself because of you, don’t you understand that? Just fucking look at me and understand that you make me hate myself!

Despite her boiling emotions, Nika didn’t say a word. She forced a smile like she always did, pretending to let her father’s comments roll down her back, and walked into her room. 

Her self-hatred bubbled inside of her, wanting so badly to cry. To hurt herself. Scratch and punch her stomach like she sometimes did when the words became too much. But this time, Nika held it in. She pulled the conch shell from her bag, holding it close to her chest as if it was a teddy bear, and rocked herself slightly as she sat on her bed. 

Strong. Shiny. Beautiful. That’s what Pearl said I am. Strong. Shiny. Beautiful. Maybe she sees something in me that no one else has seen before and we’ve only known each other for a few weeks. To her, I’m strong and shiny and beautiful. Pearl makes me feel happy and special. 

Nika tried to hang onto those words that the mermaid said to her. She ate less than usual for dinner and was more quiet, faking laughs and conversations to avoid suspicion, but that was all. Just enough for her parents to not get on her case again. 

She kept it all inside until she went to bed, clutching onto her precious pearl necklace and cried her heart out. Nika let her tears soak her pillow, fully prepared to cry herself to sleep like she’s done plenty of times before. 

Although she couldn’t quite fall asleep. She woke up multiple times throughout the knife, experiencing random pains throughout her body, most prominent in the lower half. Nika’s legs twitched against her will, feeling like the inside was twisting and bending. It was worse than the typical soreness she’d feel when her father forced her to go hike with him. 

She didn’t know what the hell was going on. 

Maybe she was experiencing some psychosomatic symptoms of anxiety again, but they were surely different this time. 

Eventually, exhaustion took over and Nika finally fell asleep, hoping for a better day tomorrow. 

[cod-dump]

I loved the post about how Ghost listens to Taylor Swift, what do you thank all the other members of 141 listen too? I am personally believe that Price listens to smooth jazz and Graves listens to older country songs. And I am imagining a music battle between the two or the whole task force, what do you think?

___

Price will listen to just about anything without complaint and is very big on letting whoever he is with control the radio. When he's in control, however, he doesn't really listen to what others consider mainstream. Gothic rock, punk, rock, and folk are his top choices of music to play but he usually waits to be alone before he plays his music.

Ghost's taste in music has a wide range. He has rocked out to metal, pop, punk, folk, phonk, EDM-- He has a little bit of everything in his playlist. He has different playlists for different moods. His most listened to playlist has hard rock, metal, punk, and alternative in it. Ghost listens to this playlist to keep up his image. He usually avoids getting control of the radio and gives it to someone else but if he decides to keep control he likes to torment everyone.

Soap loves pop, hip hop, phonk, and anything that has a good beat to it and gets his blood pumping. If a song isn't making him want to move and keep up with the beat then it's not for him. Soap is the type to embody the vibe of the song he's listening to. He is a monster when in control of the radio and is an ass when someone else has control.

Gaz loves pop, hip hop, EDM, and alternative. His playlists are labeled 'happy', 'sad', and 'angry' and he listens to them according to his mood. He has stared at Soap while listening to Gayle's 'abcdefu' after getting in a argument with him. Gaz tries to be considerate when in control of the radio to what everyone else might want to listen to but he still plays music that is in accordance with his mood.

Laswell listens to rock, pop, and hip hop. All the songs she listens to range from the 70s to the late 90s. Any songs after those time periods are only in her playlist because one of the boys introduced her to it. Like Soap, is a monster when in control of the radio. You will sit there in silence and listen to the entire Queen's 'A Kind of Magic' album in order.

Like Ghost, Farah has a wide range in music she likes. If the music isn't in a language she doesn't understand she remains unaffected. She listens to radio stations and has maybe ten songs in her personal playlist because she generally doesn't care. If she has control over the radio she just plays the local music station and calls it that.

Alex is deep in pop, country, and pop country and vibes there happily. He keeps his mouth shut when listen to someone else's music and makes no complaints even if he doesn't like what's playing. Has cried to Carrie Underwood's 'Jesus Take the Wheel' and when asked about it he just says that's how he sings. Oblivious to how everyone is when he plays his music when in control of the radio.

Alejandro likes pop and country and vibes happily with Alex. Though almost all his songs are in Spanish, he will listen to everyone else's music with the same enthusiasm he gives his own. Loves listening to new music and is willing to give any genre or song a chance. Loves to dance to his music and will attempt to do so when he is in control of the radio. He will just set his music on shuffle and sit back and vibe to whatever comes on.

Rudy listens to pop, hip hop, country, but his dirty pleasure is metal, punk, emo, and goth. Has a secret playlist that is full of this types of songs. Due to growing up in a very religious household, his preferred music of choice was shunned so he turned to hiding it. Only Alejandro knows about the secret playlist and was almost murdered for discovering it. Is slowly coming out of the mindset that he has to hide his music and will randomly play a deathcore song and shock the shit out of everyone.

Valeria loves pop, EDM, hip hop, and country but will listen to whatever is available. She is the least judgemental person when it comes to music but loves to act like she's going to criticize whatever song someone plays. As two playlists, 'work & business' and the other playlist is just all her liked songs. Valeria plays her 'work & business' playlist when in control of the radio. Has almost broke Soap's hand for him trying to touch the radio and she will not hesitate to do it again.

Graves loves Country, EDM, phonk, pop, and hip hop. If someone plays a song he likes he refuses to admit that he likes that song. Listens to raunchy music because he genuinely likes it. Has a playlist that could be a sex playlist but it isn't. Will wear headphones and listen to his own music because he hates it when other people play their music. Though he does secretly listen to what others are playing while still having his headphones in.

Nik loves punk/rock covers of pop songs. Just goes insane for it and it's pretty much all he listens to. Wants to dance and sing along to his music at the top of his lungs. Doesn't mind when others play their music but doesn't really show interest unless it's a song in his playlist or if it's something he likes the sound of. Has a playlist called 'share with Price' and has bust into Price's office and forced him to listen to it.

[bouquetshark]

little frilled jellyfish with caregiver white pearl…

(I LUV THEM SOOOO MUCH)

Regressor!Frilled Jellyfish Cookie Headcanons

As a general baseline, Frilled Jellyfish Cookie is still a willfully humble servant to the Gem Mermaids —but even the hardest of worker's need a break once in a while! Plus, White Pearl Cookie is her favorite Gem Mermaid, she wouldn't change her for the world. <3

• Frilled Jellyfish Cookie doesn't have a set age, but usually regresses to a toddler state or lower. More or less depending on the day or her health. She's a very talkative little jellyfish, usually doting on Her Lady.

• Frilled Jellyfish Cookie still loves to clean—but due to how young she gets it isn't really safe for her to do much when regressed, so Crimson Coral Cookie and the rest of the Gem Mermaid's pitch in to keep an easy mess for her to clean up each day so she can feel included in everything.

• Plays games with White Pearl Cookie and the other Mermaid's all the time! She isn't very good at hiding in hide and seek, mainly because she can't contain her giggle's long enough. And she can be really slow compared to the other Gem Mermaid's, but they always pretend to get tagged dramatically to make her happy. The other Gem Mermaid's are also her babysitter's!

• Age regression has a different term in Tearcrown than what we are familiar with, age/pet regressors and dreamers are called little guppies! It's a common practice in Tearcrown, and widely accepted in the Kingdom. They see it as a natural part of life--similar to how you or I see eating preferences. It's natural, and everybody's different. Some may like one thing, while other's might not. Some may not do it at all!

• Frilled Jellyfish Cookie love's to follow White Pearl Cookie around, even if she isn't doing anything interesting. She just loves her so dearly she can't help it! She also sleep's in her pearl bed sometimes when she's having a sleepy day or she's extra little.

• Call's White Pearl Cookie by her name or "My Lady", "Little Pearl", "Pearly", or "tutu". (It's cause of White Pearl's frills...cause they look like a big tutu to me...)

Caregiver!White Pearl Cookie Headcanons

As a general baseline, White Pearl Cookie is a compassionate and curious caregiver—always making sure that her precious little Jellyfish is okay and well. Though she's as bright as the glistening Moonlight--even the fullest Moon has a star that shines with them.<3

• White Pearl Cookie love's to play games with Frilled Jellyfish Cookie, and always makes sure to include her in thing's even if she doesn't understand. She also prays, leaves gift's of seashells and heartfelt song's of her upstanding devotion and love to the Seas protection—she does this for the Almighty Sea each and every day to ensure Frilled Jellyfishes, her sister's, and Tearcrowns safety. Sometimes, when she looks at Frilled Jellyfish Cookie—she, too, seems to glisten like the Moon. Almost as if the Sea itself has given it's blessing, smiling down at them with the gentle eye's of a guardian.

• Makes snacks for Frilled Jellyfish Cookie! Usually consisting of fish or other things that Crimson Coral or Golden Citrine has caught. She always makes sure that it's only the best for her little guppy!

• Coddles Frilled Jellyfish a lot, squeezing her cheek's and gushing over how cute and adorable she is with her big sister's much like how you or I would gush over a puppy.

• Sometimes, Frilled Jellyfish has bad day's where she's sad and apologetic —White Pearl Cookie always manages to cheer her up in no time at all with her sister's!

• Sometimes, White Pearl Cookie will bring shiny little trinkets and knickknacks back from her adventures on the land; which always makes Gold Citrine and get little guppy so happy.

• All of the Gem Mermaid's will sometimes cuddle with each other in piles cuddling one another and holding hands so they don't drift away, like otters!!

• Frilled Jellyfish Cookie bumps into things very easy, usually face first. All of the Gem Mermaid's get terribly worried everytime, but Frilled Jellyfish is used to following the currents— and.. jellyfish do bounce off of objects...they definitely don't know that. Do they?

[sunshine-embry]

Just because I need to yap about my opinions :3

I have the urge to rant about my Be More Chill Two River vs Broadway version, so I am! I might make another post of just things I like in the songs or entire musical itself if I ever feel motivated enough to 🤗

Before I yap a lot, I just need to say I'm a bit biased towards the Broadway version because I have a record of it 😁

Anyway!

More Than Survive: I personally prefer the Broadway version, BUT I HAVE REASONS I PROMISE. Idk why but the two river version feels a bit too fast for me, but that could just be because I'm used to hearing the Broadway version that I think is slowed down a bit. 🤔

Besides from that, the conversation that Brooke and Chloe have I think is better in the two river version because it introduces Madeline, which Jeremy uses as a story in Be More Chill Part 1 (does that sentence make sense?) Meanwhile the conversation in the broadway version is just there 😑

The "Christines" in the Two River version feels especially too fast, like they were trying to cut down the run time, while the Broadway version just lets it go at a slower pace which I really like.

I also prefer the instrumentals in the Broadway version (idk if there's actually any change to them, it's just at a more digestible pace like I said before) but I see people saying that the Broadway instrumentals of the songs are worse? Idk, I just like it better.

I Love Play Rehearsal: I don't have anything much to say about I Love Play Rehearsal, but I still do have a few things. I really don't prefer any version, they're both equal to me.

Also the fact that in the Broadway version, Christine goes on a small rant about how there isn't any good roles for women in theater anymore which is kinda ironic considering that one of the main criticisms of Be More Chill is that the girl characters are all one-note characters :/

In the Broadway version, I really love when Stephanie Hsu emphasizes the "I LOVE play rehearsal" at the end, it makes me laugh every time without fail.

Also, the Broadway version is faster than the two river version and I don't like that. I guess I just like slow songs :/

The Squip Song Something about the Broadway version of this song makes me so happy and idk why.

Anyway, I really like in the Broadway version when Jeremy whispers drugs even though he gets stoned with Michael. It's funny.

I am kinda sad that the Broadway version cut out the one part with Rich after "it helps you rule", 'cause it was really funny to me. This whole song is really funny to me.

I don't have that much to talk about for the Squip Song 'cause I usually listen to the broadway version because it makes me very very happy for no reason (literally, if you see me listening to it, I will actually smile sm)

Two Player Game: I know I'm going to come on strongly rn, but two player game is my least favorite Broadway version of a BMC song. Fight me.

First of all, the instrumentation kinda falls flat. The original gives such a warm feel to it if you know what I mean, but the Broadway one just kinda feels soulless.

I don't know how to explain it, but just know that I prefer the two river version wayyy over the Broadway version.

The Squip Enters: This is not a song, it's nearly a minute of screaming 🤗

Be More Chill Part 1: My main thing I don't like in the Broadway version of this is the Squip's talking voice. Emphasis on talking voice.

I adore how Jason Tam sings the new part added to the song, I love it sm. But I don't like the smoker voice. It gives me the creeps.

Besides that, like I said before, I love the new addition to the song in the Broadway version, it makes me happy for reasons I can't even begin to explain.

In both versions, I really like the part where Jeremy is telling Chloe and Brooke about how he used to date Madeline even though he didn't. Speaking of Madeline, I have a Madeline ask blog called @tres-magnifique (yes, I did only add this here to self-sponser)

Do You Wanna Ride?: I'm pretty sure it's nearly identical in both versions, having similar instrumentals and the same actresses in both. There's nothing much to talk about.

Be More Chill Part 2: Controversial opinion, but Be More Chill pt 1 should just be called Be More Chill and this song should be called Be More Chill Reprise. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. I have nothing else to say about this song.

I can't do MTS reprise or Sync Up because they are two very different songs.

A Guy That I'd Kinda Be Into: Controversial opinion, I don't like this song. I tried to force myself to like it, but something about it I don't like. Like I said for the past two - correct me if I'm wrong - but I'm pretty sure the two versions are basically the same, there's no version I prefer.

Upgrade: Finally something I can yap about! First of all, I prefer the Broadway version. It's just something about it I really like!

I really like how Brooke tries to speak French knowing that Jeremy used to date Madeline. I just think that it's a nice touch.

Anyway, I really like that Brooke and The Squip don't share a part at the beginning, because the two river version where they do makes me really uncomfortable. Plus, I really like Brooke's part in the Broadway version.

I don't understand why they changed "damn" to "now" in the Broadway version. I'm not complaining, but it's just weird to me.

I don't really mind the fact that in the Broadway version, they take out Jake's part about getting sporty and playing cricket. I know that some people compare it to the part in Voices In My Head, in which Jake asks Christine out using something that he likes, but Jeremy does it using something she likes, but Idrc.

What I am kinda mad that they took out in the Broadway version though, is that they took out the part where Jake talks about his parents being in a money laundering scheme. Idk, it just makes me kinda sad.

I'm so glad that in the Broadway version they made Loser Geek Whatever it's own song. IT'S SO GOOD JUST FOR A SMAL PART?!?! LIKE WHAT?!?! I might be a little biased considering it's my favorite BMC song, but still though I'm so happy 😁

I also like how they added the whole "I'm tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am" part, because it really shows that everyone (minus Michael) isn't happy with something and it just adds another layer to their characters. The overlapping also just makes me happy. I think that's it for upgrade.

I'm too lazy to rant anymore, tell me if u want me to do this with the second act. Also thank you for listening to me yap for a solid 10 minutes.

[mimikoolover]

So I watched the Minimoni video just now, and 2 things:

1. I am sad that Namjoon prefers MUSE over Face. Mostly because imo Face is more interesting in concept, execution and lyrics. Oh well. Personal preference.

2. The concept for MUSE is, if I understood correctly, that all the emotions of happiness and excitement JM feels are somewhat temporary. Like a crush that just goes nowhere, it's built more on how your brain romanticises a person and less on who that person actually is. We get crushes on people based on a few minutes of interactions, but at some point that feeling fades. And to Jimin, that's kinda what his entire life feels like. As a GenZ (98), I relate soooooo hard to that. There's these moments of elation, when you do something fun, but soon enough real life kinda drags you down again. The future isn't that exciting to look at and hope kinda flies out the window. To be fair, for most of my generation that's based a lot in feelings of economic fear - sth Jimin doesn't experience- but I think he experiences a lot of other emotions that equate to sth similar. Especially since SK, like many other countries tbh, kind of seems to not take enough steps forward socially to combat all the issues created by the ruling classes of the last decades (aka Baepsae). Anyway.

These feelings of good moments and happiness being fleeting doesn't mean the moments or emotions in that moment were faked. But since it comes and goes, and the lows tend to get very low (also mental illness is a big part that doesn't get mentioned directly in MMM though Jimin has touched on it before), you tend to catastrophise a lot. It's like imposter syndrome for feelings of happiness.

As a separate closing thought: a lot has been made about Who as a song and how you'd fit it into Jikook. Or how it disproves Jimin being in a happy potentially queer relationship, but imo the MMM really highlights how the whole love and crush narrative of MUSE is just a big metaphor. It's not even about JK specifically, but I think it would do Jimin a huge disservice to assume that this album he has worked on for over a year just contains very surface level songs. Yeah, they are about love and yearning, but just like "Fake Love" or any song on the Love Yourself trilogy are about loving someone else on the surface, it essentially is an album about self-reflection. It can be both. Similarly, I find it insulting of people that they assume the "she" was forced on Jimin because he isn't in the credits of the song. As if they wouldn't have re-written the whole thing if it didn't fit Jimin's vision. Don't infantilize him just because it doesn't fit with our (yes, I'm a shipper) view of who Jimin loves.

"She" is a concept, a dream and not real. In that sense, "she" reminds me of Marlena - a female stand-in for inspiration and music as used by the Italian band Maneskin. But that's a reach. And I don't want to discount the literal layer of the song either. I personally don't believe Who is this big red stamp of "hey, I'm here, I'm not queer and looking for a woman to love, please call hit me up" others see it as. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't actually reflect how much Jimin is yearning for someone to love him how he wants to be loved.

I think Jikook is real because of how they behave around each other, and from how they talk about each other. Even the latest mention in MMM, how they (and Yoongi, poor 3rd wheel) spend hours talking about music and singing screams "and they spend the rest of their lives living together, historians call them very good friends" to me. But I won't be upset if it turns out, they did have relationships for years with other people. I won't make up theories and stories to invalidate whoever they end up spending the rest of their life with - we're not larries. Even if I find GCF Tokyo and Saipan, Rosebowl, the regular carrying and the 7000 other instances very hard to contextualise in a hetero way.

Sorry for the essay but I was kind of getting sick of all the sides currently out and about, both the antis and shippers need to chill out.

I really enjoyed reading your thoughts so thank you for sharing!

see I think for jimin muse as an album perhaps was more about his journey going through creating it, it was a labour of love and something he made from scratch with a team of people. it was probably a real challenge too and it seems like he went through a lot of growth creating this album. I think it's quite hard to judge the 'real' meaning of songs to jimin and everyone having their opinions is valid but as you said we would all do well chilling out😂for me this time it almost seems like the 'concepts' behind the songs are not as deep as maybe face was but the entire process of creating muse was more meaningful to jimin.

[juststoriesintheend]

at this point in my life - part i

Pairing: Mae Aniseya x sapphic gn!Reader

Content: inspired by Tracy Chapman's song of the same name; modern au, folk singer au, reunited exes, angst with a happy ending, Qimir is implied to be an abusive/toxic partner

Word Count: 1.9k

《 [series masterlist] 》 《 ii 》

at this point in my life, i've done so many things wrong i don't know if i can do right

if you put your trust in me, hope i won't let you down if you give me a chance, i'll try

It’s bittersweet to be on this stage again. For the last time, says the little voice at the back of her head. The shame that accompanies it is bitter enough that she can hardly swallow it. But she tries. She has to. She can’t sing and be choking on bile at the same time.

Mae looks out at the dwindling crowd and she’s not sure how to feel about what she sees. It’s the last night of the performance season, so bar-goers are tired and eager to relax on their Saturday nights, which means they’re not showing up. She supposes that means there’s less people to be nervous about, less hope to build up in her chest. If anything, it’s a sign - someone’s trying to tell her, and has been for years now, to quit the dream while she’s ahead.

The voice sounds a bit too much like Oshie’s dad for her liking, so she chases it away with a shot of something bitter and wipes the back of her hand over her eyes. Bittersweet? Yeah. But sad? Hell no. This is her grand finale. She’s going out with a bang, and damn every asshole who ever told her she couldn’t do it, even if they were right.

So it really fucking sucks when she’s halfway through her set, feeling more on top of the world than she ever has before, and she looks up just in time to catch a glimpse of you. Your smile flashes in the strobe lights, and the chain at your throat gleams when you move. Mae almost misses her next line, but she manages to save it at the very last moment. You’re not here with Oshie - a relief - and that means you’re not here with Qimir either - thank god.

You have new friends, it looks like: a button-nosed girl, her hair streaked with neon green, and an awkward-looking pretty boy whose locs are short enough to stick out awkwardly over the side of his head. At least your taste has improved.

Mae swallows her nerves and drops her head a bit, letting her gaze wander over the neck of her guitar. She focuses better when she can’t see your eyes. It’s always been that way, and she hates that some things stay the same even now. Still, she pulls through. She finishes the set and she doesn’t cry, she doesn’t lose her voice or forget her words, and she doesn’t totally bomb like she has every single night before this one.

It’s just enough, but it’s far too late to make a difference. Like everything else in her life.

A heartfelt thank you and an awkward bow are all she leaves in her wake, though she’s not entirely sure she didn’t leave her heart on that stage. Or with you. Either way, there’s nothing left in the gaping wound Mae calls a chest cavity once she’s stuffed into the wings and packing her guitar into its case. There’s only the thunder of adrenaline in her ears and the nauseating turn of her stomach when she breathes.

“Hey, man, great job! You fucking killed it out there!”

It’s one of the techies, an annoyingly sweet gay guy who is so cheerful that Mae’s considered whacking him in the esophagus at least ten times by now. He claps his hand on her shoulder a little too hard, but she smells the vodka off him before she can even raise her hand. Idiot.

Through gritted teeth, she acquiesces with a very polite, “Thank you.”

“Knew you’d bring the house down eventually.”

Oh, ‘cause that makes her feel so much better. “Yep. Thanks.” And she hopes that the aggressive flicking of the clasps on her guitar case will be enough of a sign for him to back off.

God, she needs a drink. Preferably something with vodka or gin so she can forget about everything hammering away inside her head and just black out.

You meet her at the bar. Or rather, you’re already waiting for her by the time she drags her sorry ass out and orders an obscenely titled drink that’s bound to taste like lighter fluid. Your fingernails tap lightly on the glass in your hands, your eyes flickering and sparkling all over like little fireworks. Mae thinks you look pretty when the lights switch from white to hazy pinks and blues.

“Hey.”

She nods once, but she doesn’t allow herself to look above the line of your shoulders. “Hey.”

“You sounded good. I liked your set.”

Of course you do. She wrote half those songs about you. “Didn’t think I’d see you here,” Mae grumbles as she tips back another shot.

And even if she was looking at you, Mae wouldn’t need to in order to know you’re frowning. She hears it in your voice when you very pointedly reply, “I promised, didn’t I?”

You did indeed. But people say all kinds of things when they think they’re in love, and they don’t usually follow through on such promises when the romance fizzles out. Never in a million years would she have held you to an oath you made an entire lifetime ago. She’s not that kind of woman.

Rather than say any of this, though, Mae decides to throw caution to the wind and allow her curiosity to guide her. She turns and leans until both her elbows are resting on the bar. She hopes she looks effortless and cool, but with her luck it’s probably achieved the exact opposite effect.

“What’s with the clique? My sister and her boyfriend not interesting enough for you, or did you finally get tired of them fucking the personality out each other and decide to try something new?”

It’s a low blow. It’s cruel. But when has she ever been anything other than that? The jab certainly hits, judging by the furrowing of your brows and the swirling mess of pain in your irises, and Mae can’t help feeling proud of herself for it.

You take another sip of your drink that outlasts the ticking of irritation in the vein above your eyebrow. “Jecki and Yord. We met at pride last month. You’d like them.” A pause as you consider your words. And then the other shoe drops. “If you weren’t so busy being a dick, at least.”

The liquor in her stomach damn near curdles. “So that’s why you came?” she asks as she forces herself into your personal space, lips curling and her heart threatening to beat right out of her chest. “Wanted to rub some salt in the wound, huh, babe?”

“I wanted to see your last performance. I wanted to support you,” you snap.

Instead of backing down, you’ve stood your ground. You’re not impressed by her petty attempts at intimidation, which leaves Mae feeling lost in the cavernous space between her rage and her desire. Six months out and you still know exactly how to push all her buttons.

“Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you went chasing after Osha like a lovesick puppy.”

The stool you’re sitting on shrieks across the floor when you stand, your face suddenly filling the entirety of Mae’s vision. “I wasn’t aware I had to choose between my best friend and my girlfriend.”

“Yeah,” she snorts, “well, you chose wrong anyway.”

“Maybe if you’d just talked to me like a normal person, I would’ve made a better choice. But you never did know how to fucking communicate.”

She hates you. She hates you because you’re right, and she hates herself because she knows it. And she hates Qimir for stealing her sister, and she hates Osha for leaving, and she hates Sol for loving everyone except her. And most importantly, she hates that she ever loved you in the first place because it killed her to watch you leave, just like it kills her to look you in the eyes now and see what she might’ve had if she’d been a little wiser and a little braver. But she’s never been either of those things. Love is just a game that cowards like her can never win.

“You’re such a fucking idiot sometimes.”

Mae smiles until it feels like her face breaks. “I’ll add it to the list of fuck-ups and grievances.”

The bar’s starting to get fuzzy. Not literally, of course, but wouldn’t that be funny? The walls are growing distant and all the people have started to lose their individuality, slowly morphing into a vague conglomerate of limbs and booze. The vodka’s kicking in. Fucking finally.

Maybe that’s why it scares her so much when you grab her by the hand. She feels your skin on hers and she jolts like she’s been electrocuted.

“Mae,” and your voice is soft again, no longer highlighted with red pen like a failed report card. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t know.”

“Clearly.”

“Mae. Please” You look at her like you do in her dreams, all pleading eyes and backlit by grief.

“Whaddyu want me to say?” she slurs when a surprisingly strong wave of intoxication almost bowls her over. “You chose Oshie. And Qimir. And you should’ve chosen me.”

It’s startling how serious you look when you nod in agreement. “I know. I was wrong.”

The bar glitches in and out of existence for a couple seconds, and for a moment, Mae thinks she’s back in that shitty apartment, sprawled out on the mattress with you, choking on her secrets because you deserve someone better than her. She’d take you down into the rubble and the gore, not because she wants to share it with you but because she’s never known anything else. So she let the prophecy fulfill itself, and she chose perfect misery over imperfect love.

“I didn’t want to come here to upset you.”

Mae blinks and she’s back in the present, looking into your eyes and regretting everything.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I thought I was being a good friend. I didn’t know the kind of guy Qimir was.”

Not many people do. He’s good at the two-faced persona, good enough to brainwash her sister and take you with them like some fucking prized pony, and all for what? Because she turned him down? Because she said she wasn’t interested?

“I wish you’d told me, Mae, but I understand why you didn’t.”

She wishes that, too. But if there’s a common theme in Mae’s life, it’s regret and poor timing. She never seems to do anything in the right order, or anything right at all.

She smiles, and this time she cries. “Yeah, well. You know how it is. I always fuck shit up.” Her throat feels raw and dry and drowning all at once. “Wish I hadn’t fucked you up along the way, but-”

“You didn’t.”

It’s sweet of you to lie, sweet enough that Mae feels her entire bottom lip quiver.

Your palm finds the curve of her forearm, then her elbow, gentle but strong the same way that you are deep in your heart, and Mae feels lost and found and dizzy from it. She finds herself looking in your eyes despite her better judgment, exposing herself like a raw nerve under your surgical knife, but you’ve always been good to her, you’ve never cut her like the rest of the world has. And she misses you. Even if she hates you. Even if she hates herself.

“I’m sorry,” you say, solemn as a prayer, as you draw her into your embrace. She goes willingly. “For everything. I know you can’t forgive me, but I just… I wanted you to know.”

Oh, she knows. She’s always known.

taglist: @wolffegirlsunite @thatlittlered @padawancat97