#I guess the day when people stop fucking victim blaming will be the day I can finally stop writing these articles

[linklethehistorian]

If I had a nickel for every time I was in a fandom where my favorite character was a gentle, loving, overly romantic and totally gay sweetheart who was clearly written to be an abuse victim with a tragic past, was thrust into a world where he clearly didn’t belong, had incredible power compared to most but actively chose not to cause harm with it in any situation where it could possibly be avoided even when that could come back to bite him in the ass, and fell in love with someone who was so wrapped up in their own tragedy that they couldn’t let him in and thus repeatedly hurt and abandoned him, and the fandom still somehow was so media illiterate that they at large refused to understand this and instead wanted to make him into the villain —

…I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it SURE AS HELL is WEIRD AND ANNOYING that it happened twice.

[vastderp]

I Had A Baby Brother

My brother was found dead last tuesday in his apartment.

He died anywhere from Sunday to Monday, and his landlord got worried and checked up on him and found him on the floor with one hand over his face. There was an open jug of methanol nearby. My sister thinks he drank it, I pray he didn't. It was an ugly, fucked up death.

He was in declining health this past decade because he was a paraplegic and uncontrolled diabetic. There are systems in place to help with low income people in his condition, but they were barred from him as he was a convicted felon.

He went from learning to walk again in the physical therapy pool to drinking a gallon of vodka per day, growing more hostile and bitter as the pain got worse, until his body just gave out. He drove away his friends, he drove away his family, and then he hit the floor and never got up.

I was meant to view the body with my sister and her grown kids, but the funeral home couldn't tell us where his body had been sent, and stopped answering the phone on friday before memorial day weekend, and then we had to wait for someone to follow up on my sister's dozens of phone messages, which they finally did, to try and make their little profit.

My sister, who has been handling all of this along with my niece, selected a different funeral home for the cremation because the first one was disgraceful with my mother's death in 2007, and they're disgraceful all over again with my brother's now.

At one point today they finally established contact, and asked how my sister wanted to handle the arrangements for her "father". O how casual the not giving a fuck goes! Dude pressed to make a sale even after she told him how unhappy we were with their work.

All this to say that I have a car full of inherited possessions, unused medical gear, and the shitty fucked up remnants of my brother's shrine to Mom.

Good old Mom may have died almost 20 years ago, but her gentle, loving mission to smother her only son to death (and probably into eternity) is finally successful. Of all of us, I've often wondered who got it worst: The golden child, the scapegoat, or the parentalized invisible middle kid. Now that one of us has effectively committed suicide, I guess it's for the scapegoat and me to hash out who gets second place. My mother crippled him long before his car accident, in one long and winding but uninterrupted line of consequences from his birth to death. I consider it a murder-suicide. Which was which? They were both the killer, and both the victim. Enmeshment is a motherfucker.

I'm super bitter, really fucking sad, and incredibly proud of what's left of my family for how they're coming together now. (Except my dad, who is in another state, petting his dogs, because I don't think he can really deal with this shit).

So what's left? To go put some cologne on his corpse when they finally let us go view what's left of him. He always liked to smell nice and he probably doesn't right now.

They'll cremate him, and give us a ridiculously heavy cardboard box of ashes that we'll have to carry out, knowing it's all that's left of a lifetime of struggling and pain. Probably we're gonna mix his ashes with Mom's, and make that lifetime of enmeshment official.

I hope if they go to the same afterlife, he kicks her in the cooter. I hope she kicks him back. I hope they can see each other with eyes unclouded by trauma, and forgive each other for the choices they both made. I hope they forgive me for still being mad at them both for not being stronger. I hope I will forgive myself for a lifetime of resentment and blame. I sure got enough time for that.

Jason was funny, weird, secretly really smart but never made a point of it. He was stylish. He was a broken man who could have made better choices and didn't, who was happily fed poison until he couldn't live without it, who was basically his own whole ass Pink Floyd song. His violence sent me running into a better life. His death sent me trudging back into a damaged family with gaping holes like torn out teeth, into the arms of my sister, and we reconciled. There's just us two left now, and it's our job to make something beautiful come out of this jerry springer childhood we shared. We're doing our best.

Dozens of catheters still in the package. Leakproof bed padding in a plaid pattern. Gallons of creams, antacids, fiber supplements by the jar, pressure sore ointments, fungus treatment creams, lidocaine pads, antibiotics, antipsychotics, a hash pipe or two.

An entire apartment hoarded with moist towelettes, pressure garments, and cleaning supplies. An entire life choked with mental damages and crying relatives. I put on CeeLoo Green's "Robin Williams" and sobbed until my face felt burned. It helped.

All the usable/safe to give away medical equipment is being distributed to the other impoverished disabled people in his apartment complex, who will hopefully put it to good use. I got his old manual wheelchair because sometimes I can't walk. I'm terrified of becoming more like him, so back to phsycial therapy I go.

The rest?

The memories, the pity, the jug of methanol that I pray he never actually drank, the stain he left on his floor after a lifetime of compulsive tidiness, the shrine to the woman he killed who also killed him? All these things I will keep with me forever. I will honor him. He could have been so much more, for so much longer. He had a whole story I'll never know. He contained incredible kindness and generosity, and also a rage so deep it was fatal. He was only 41.

If you can spare a couple bucks for the gofundme my niece set up, it'd really help make the financial side of this horseshit a little more bearable while we do all the shit that comes with a death. Thank you for taking the time to read this post, for your sympathies, and for reading my fucked up family trauma dump. Rest assured there will be more.

Dear god, will there ever be more.

Send help. Send pizza. Send sad hip hop. Hail Atlantis. Hail Jai.

[romana-after-dark]

The Wrong Way: Chapter 8

Dark!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader Tommy Miller x reader (secondary)

Masterlist

Spotify playlist

Summery: You are sold to Joel to clear up some of your fathers' debts, and he takes you back to his house where him, Tommy, and high ranking members of his raiding trope stay. Joel is mean, cruel, and hash, but had small moments of softness that confuse you in your venerable state. Over time, you get to know him and Tommy, and see different sides of each, and both are hiding secrets. Was it possible to fall in love under these circumstances? Or was that just another way Joel was fucking with you?

Aka: my mom sold me to One Direction

WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. Blow Jobs, PIV sex, lose of virginity, sex trafficking, past incest, death/people dying everywhere, Stockholm syndrome, falling for your rapist, victim blaming, torcher, branding, physical abuse, rape (not Joel), somno, dub con on tommy? idk he's not really into it but feels like he has to, self-harm/depression/suicidal thoughts (not a lot) but fair warning, major age gaps, love triangle, pregnancy/birth, threats of abortion, major character death, mentions of potential csa/child abuse but does not even come close to happening, forced pregnancy, forced housewife shit, breeding, breeding kink?!?!

I wanna add we're really heavy on the birth/pregnancy, forced birth, choking, domestic violence, threats of hanging and murder. Can't say I didn't warning yuh (unless i missed a warning of course. then please let me know so i cant edit ASAP) Like this is a rough chapter, a lot of violence to a pregnant woman. but I wanna say right now...

The baby will not be harmed in anyway. Baby will be born healthy, and live and have a good life in both the main ending and alt ending.

5k words (sorry not sorry lol)

Also to clarify a few things I guess i didn't make clear enough in previous chapters!

Joel only 'guessed' that Tommy and LO slept together. He had suspicions but thought he could trust Tommy and his 'girlfriend'. When LO rushed to stop Joel from hurting Tommy, that was his 'evidence'. Joel was beating Tommy because he found out about Maria.

Joel only heard part of the conversation between Zach and Little One. Nick said way back in chapter 3 the wall are thinner than she thinks. He didn't know Lorenzo had any part of it, and because LO didn't rat him out, he never will.

Thats my bad for not being clear!

Can you catch the Superstore homage? (aka i rewatched two episodes just to take it line for line lol)

***************

Month 3

No one warned you about morning sickness. 

You knew fuck all about sex before you came to Joel’s, just a thing or two from your friend back at the ranch and how to get a man off with your mouth or hands, but pregnancy and birth was next to nothing. You didn’t even know how pregnancy happened really, other than a penis in a vagina until you asked Tommy early on if you were going to get pregnant. After a very uncomfortable talk for both of you, Tommy explained that Joel told him he pulls out, so you should be good… Lorenzo said you can still get pregnant that way, but thinking back to the night Joel almost killed Tommy and you… Joel finished inside… the timing added up. 

Pregnancy and birth were entirely unknown to you, and you wished someone would just give you a heads up. Joel had a daughter and no doubt had been through at least once pregnancy, and Lorenzo had mentioned 4 of his 6 older sisters got pregnant before leaving the house… something about no sex education, men too old for them, and their religion not believing in birth control or abortion… but you didn’t know what half those words meant, and after Lorenzo mercilessly made fun of you for days about not knowing Joel’s song for you was actually a very famous song, you didn’t dare ask him about the words, or anything with pregnancy. You didn’t want to ask Joel either, not wanting to give away how terrified you were, not wanting him to think you didn’t want to… But you did! You did want this baby, you reminded yourself again and again and again, because Joel was good to you, Joel took care of you, Joel would care for this baby too. You’d be bound to him, and he’d never get tired of you this way, and he wouldn’t hurt the mother of his child, right?

The birth was something you tried not to think about.

So here you were, puking your gut out before you even had breakfast and Joel held your hair back.

“Shhh, shhhhhhh” he coo’d and you heaved, yellow bile and acid coming up from inside you since the little food in your stomach from dinner had been thrown up 5 minuets ago.

With a final spit into the toilet, you sink back and Joel wipes your mouth for you. “I think that’s it.” You mutter, and Joel carries you into your shared bedroom, laying you down with the care of an infant before kissing your forehead. 

“Don’t worry about breakfast, little one. I don’t need anything this morning.” He says before kissing your cheek. But you were worrying about breakfast, because you wanted it… but the only way you’d be getting food is if you made it. Tommy wasn’t here to care for you anymore. “I’ll be gone until the evening, what's for dinner?”

The thought of cooking, the thought of raw meats and the strong smells of spices made you want to vomit again. “I dunno…”

“I think a few of them chickens is ready to be butchered, you ever made chicken parmesan? We got that cheese I brought back yesterday, you could make something like that.”

You groan a bit, exhausted and tired despite being only 3 months in. You didn’t sleep at all last night, nightmares of the past and the future plaguing you. He knew that you didn’t sleep, you had told him… “Joel I can’t, the butchering, I feel so-”

“I’ll make Lorenzo do it.” He promises. “Chicken parmesan it is then?” He decided for you. What he didn’t understand is it wasn’t just butchering a few chickens. To make chicken parm you need chicken breasts, not the rest of it. You didn’t waste meat, so Lorenzo kills (you could do it on a normal day, but not with your heightened smell) then you pluck, clean, Lorenzo butchers, then you have to separate the different parts and put them into hygienic storage and take them to the freezer locker, then thoroughly clean yourself, all the tools and surfaces (and Lorenzo) to prevent illness. It would take hours. But Joel didn’t see that, he only ever saw the food at the end of his day.

“Okay” You agree reluctantly, and he begins kissing your neck and groping you, no doubt wanting a quicky before a long day of unspeakable violence. “Joel, please, I don’t feel good.” You beg him not to, but you learned in the past that this never got far.

His morning breath wasn’t helping anything as he tugged down your shorts. “I’ll be quick.”

You knew what that meant. Joel slid into you with no prep, no lubrication, and it burned. The steady rocking was the last thing you needed right now, and with his head buried in your neck, you covered your mouth as the nausea took over. You threw up, but like everything the last several months, you just swallowed it down again to deal with when Joel was gone. When he came inside (wasn’t he worried about you getting pregnant again?) you quickly pull up your pants and run to the bathroom, pushing past Lorenzo no doubt on his way to babysitting duties with you. 

As he watched you run past and heard the sounds of throwing up, Lorenzo caught Joel’s arm as he brushed past. “Peppermint or ginger. Find it, whatever form it's in. Oils, drops, whatever. If you can find the leaves or the root we can make it into a tea. Just find it, it’ll help her nausea.”

Month 4

“Okay Lorenzo, I got a question for you, and you can’t make fun of me.” You say as you cook, the swell of your belly beginning to show now.

“No guarantees.” He says, sitting his drink. How did he find so much alcohol?

“Fine. Okay… when Joel and I have sex-”

He visibly cringed. “Since when do we talk about our sex lives?” 

“Renzo.”

“Fine, go on. But remember I’m not exactly an expert on female anatomy.”

You take a deep breath. “Okay. Well I told you he always pulls out right? Um… ever since I told him im pregnant… he doesn’t.”

Lorenzo waits for you to continue, but you don’t. You think that’s it. “What the problem?”

You continue to avoid looking at him, stirring the soup. “Well.. what if I get pregnant again?”

He stares at you like he’s trying to make sense of your question before the recognition sets in. “OH!” But before he explains what he means… his face shifts… theres something sad in there, a hint of pain in his eyes you only saw once, the face he had as he looked at you in disgust while Joel carried you from the bedroom to the bath while you were covered head to toe in spit and cum and period blood… was it pity? “Jesus kid… No one really taught you anything, did they?”

“C’mon, just tell me.”

Scrubbing his face, he sighed. “No, you can’t get pregnant while your already pregnant.”

Oh. “Wait… really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Ah. Okay then.”

There was a long, long silence before he spoke again. “If you got any other question about, like… pregnancy and birth… I can try and answer.”

Joel had been trying to find a doctor, a midwife, something for you… but it was slim pickings in Wyoming. 

Five minuets later, you were squealing, covering your ears, but laughing. “Ew! What the hell is a mucus plug! You know what, I don’t wanna-”

“IT’S A PLUG FULL OF MUCUS IN YOUR VAGINA WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?!?!” He yells loud enough to get past your attempt at blocking your ears. 

“NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH!!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” But you still could.

“Honestly in the last month or two all kinds of weird things are gonna come out of you including but not limited to a very slimey and weird looking baby.”

You gasp, feigning indignance. “How dare you insult my unborn child!”

“It ain’t personal, sweetheart. All babies look ugly as fuck as newborns. Now, let’s get back to the gritty details.”

With a squeal, you try to run away. “No! I know enough!” But you’re laughing. It felt like you were messing around with Zach back in your childhood home. 

“My sister Elaina lost like 4 teeth.”

“AAAHHHHH!”

Month 5

Joel had finally found a midwife of sorts. Well, technically, Jack did, as it was his cousin. Maura had been a nurse in the birthing wing a short time before everything went to shit and had been helping women deliver babies ever since. Initially, she told Jack to keep his mouth shut. She hated Joel and didn’t want a thing to do with him, but when no one else showed up and you were in your 5th month, she relented, purely for the sake of the innocent kidnapped girl. 

“Put the fucking gun away, Joel.” She said as she entered your room, grabbing the barrel in Joel’s hands and pointing it to the floor. “Point that shit at me again and I’m not helping your child bride.” She stared him down, head tilted up only slightly to reach his eyes. If she was intimidated by Joel, she wouldn’t

Joel glared at her, but he didn’t have many options. “If you hurt her-”

“From what I hear, you’re doing enough of that yourself. Now, you stand up against the wall and watch if you want to, but don’t interfere, and do not try to intimidate me, understood?”

You watched in awe as she stood her ground… It had been months before you had done anything of the sort against Joel, only standing up to him when Tommy’s life was in danger. Joel gave a curt nod and she turn to approach where you lay, sat up against some pillows.

A gentle smile was on her face, but it was clear she was here for business. Still, her confidence and certainty put you at ease.

“My name’s Maura, I’ll be helping deliver this baby.” She was beautiful, with long black hair and a light smattering of freckles on her face, but got straight to the point. It was clear she knew what she was doing, asking you questions you hadn’t even thought of yet and examining you. When she was done, she stood up, looking at you, not Joel. “It seems despite the circumstances-”

Joel tried to interrupt. “The fuck’s that supposed to mean”

But Maura ignored him, keeping your attention with her bright brown eyes. “Despite the circumstances, everything appears to be progressing naturally, theres no cause for concern as of right now. But you need to keep things low stress.” It was then she turned to glare at Joel, to emphasize her point.

Maura said she’d be staying near-by and Joel was paying her a hefty price for her services. When you’d go into labor, Joel was to send a man on horse to fetch her, preferably Jack, but she warned she would armed, and she’d be there shortly.

That night, Joel held you close as you discussed baby names. 

“How about Loretta? Like that singer you liked?”

Joel hums, none commital. “I always liked Dorothy, we could call her Dolly as a nickname. I know you like Dolly Parton” Joel had been teaching you about old country music, and you certainly had a few favorites. Not knowing many women in general, your pool of girl names was not strong so you drew from singers he’d mentioned. 

You scrunch up your nose a bit at that. “I like Dolly, I don’t like Dorothy.”

“It was my grandmas name, I’d really like to name our daughter after her.” His voice had that tone to it, the one that left little room to argue, but you tried to push past Dorothy.

“Maybe June? Like June Carter?” You knew how particle he was to Johnny Cash, but also... that was the name of the only friend you had before Tommy.

“That’s beautiful, little one, June it is.” He smiles into your skin, and you think you’ve won, when he says. “Dorothy June.” 

He had already decided, and there was no real option to argue or change his mind. You’d just call her Dolly, then.

You had one thing you really, really wanted for boy name, and you desperately hoped you could get it, but you couldn’t tell him why. You didn’t want any more kids so this was your only shot. You hadn’t even wanted this one, but as your stomach swelled with life, motherly love came with it and you decided you’d make the best of the situation. The child inside you was your number one priority. “Okay, boys? I really like Caleab… It’s my favorite boy name…” You didn’t have to tell him that was Zach’s middle name.

“I like it, bebita.” 

You got what you wanted. You knew Joel was hoping for a girl, so you figured he was less particular on the boy name. 

“Got any ideas for the middle name?” You ask him.

“Nothing in mind, really. I’m open…” He kisses your neck.  “Anything you want?”

You keep quiet. The name you wanted… he’d never go for.

Joel pulled you closer, nuzzling his face against you as he whispered. “Ah. I see.” You freeze. Tommy hadn’t been so much as alluded to since he barely made it out alive and you thought for sure Joel would have a fit, and you began to prepare yourself to feel a hand wrapped around your throat… But he tucked your hair behind your ear and kissed into your locks as he settled down for bed. “Caleb Thomas”

Month 6 

Lorenzo was getting on your fucking nerves today, and you were about to fling the frying pan, bubbling grease and all, at his face. 

“Will you shut up?”

“No, I’m not going to shut up because you are being fucking stupid!” Instead of his usual spot sitting at the kitchen table, he’s standing, arms crossed, in the doorway as you tried to get diner done. “I told you the first day, you are a dumb. Bitch.” he was drunk, three sheets to the wind and absolutely no filter.

“You have no fucking idea what I am! I am trying to fucking survive, Lorenzo, I am trying to keep myself and this baby-”

“You are playing housewife to a serial murder and a rapist!” He yells at you, clearly frustrated. “You are rewarding all the bad things he’s ever done you just give positive reinforcement-”

“Don’t fucking blame me! I’m not reinforcing the bad, I’m reinforcing the good!” You storm over to him, glaring Lorenzo down. “You have no fucking idea how bad things were! I used to dream about killing myself, about dying, about Joel finally snapping and doing it! I am doing the best in the conditions I have!”

“You could have left! You could have left with Zach and gone off with him for fucks sake!”

With a burst of anger you didn’t know was even in you anymore, you shove him, hard, causing the drunk to fall over. “You wanna know what he did last time I tried to run? He caught me within 10 minuets, dragged me back and chained me to this table-” You point at the table that you and Joel sit at most evenings now for diner. “And raped me in front of everyone, Lorenzo! Then he branded me and left me to be gang raped by all your little buddies here! And no one could stop him, not even Tommy! All Tommy could do is stand by and watch, and unchain me after Joel left before anyone could do anything more!”

Lorenzo was not deterred. “That’s my fucking point!”

“If I leave and he catches me, I am dead!”

Scoffing, Lorenzo rolls his eyes from where he’s slumped against the floor. “Yeah, that’s why”

Unsure how much more you can take from him, you motion him to continue.

“You just don’t wanna admit you fell in love with your rapist.”

That was enough. You begin to walk away from him, but he follows after you. 

“What about when you give birth, huh? What kind of father is he going to be? Are you going to stand by while he beats your kids?”

“SHUT UP!” You scream, still walking away. 

“And what if you have a daughter? You just gonna let him molest her like your dad-”

You wipe around so fast you don’t even have time to blink. “No, Joel isn’t like that.” 

Lorenzo laughs at you, cruel and loud. “You are 20 years younger than him, he raped you! You really think he’s above-”

“YES! He will not hurt her like that!”

“And if you have a son? Do you really wanna raise a man like Joel? The kind of man who beats and rapes innocent girls?”

Tears prickle at your eyes now, a terrible tightness in your chest bubbling with stomach bile. “N-no, that’s not gonna happen, I won’t let-”

“Oh, because you’ve had so much choice the last year, havn’t you. Sooooo much control.”

“I won’t.” You shake your head vigorously. “I won’t let anything happen to my baby, Joel won’t hurt them.”

“So, say he doesn't. You really gonna raise a kid here? Half the men here would’ve raped you, given the chance! You really think your child is safe here?”

You can’t argue with him when he’s right. But he doesn’t get it. Joel is good now, Joel protects you, Joel will protect the baby… Joel is gentle now… soft, kind… he thinks of you, he sings you songs… he plays music for you, he’ll be a good dad… You’ll be okay…

You shut down, going into autopilot. You don’t look at Lorenzo as you walk back to the kitchen to finish frying the chicken. Joel would be home soon.

Month 7

“JACK! GET MAURA!” Joel shouts as you groan on the bed, the tight contractions hurting.

“Joel, it hurts!” You call for him, and in a flash Joel is at your bedside, letting you squeeze his hand. 

“I know, little one, I know…” He pets your hair, having flashbacks to Sarah’s birth…. He wanted another girl so bad, but god, he just wanted a healthy baby and for his girl to make it out alive. Birth was dangerous in modern medicine, nonetheless a post-apocalyptic shitstorm. 

Lorenzo stood in the doorway, biting his nails. “You’re not due for another 8 weeks!”

Grunting through the pain, you let a rare bout of sarcasm slip. “Oh yeah, that’s right, never mind.”

“Could be false labor, you know? That’s called Braxton-Hicks contractions?” Lorenzo looked more nervous than you.

Joel ignored him. “It’s gonna be okay, Maura’s on her way and I think even out here 32 weeks is gonna be okay.” Joel wasn’t entirely sure about his own words. 32 weeks meant a premature baby, and pre-mature usually meant NICU… but there was no NICU to go to… if the babies lungs were under developed or anything like that, there were no options. 

Lorenzo was chewing through his nails enough to draw blood. “Or maybe it’s Braxton-Hicks”

At that, Joel finally acknowledges Lorenzo. “Okay, we get it, you know the term Braxton-Hicks, we’re all very impressed.”

“AHHHHHHH” You yell, wishing to get there was something for the pain.

Lorenzo wouldn’t shut up. “Okay, contractions are getting longer, that means your in active labor?”

“Her water hasn’t broke yet!” 

“Is she dilated?”

“Does it look like her pants are off to you?”

“Well check!”

“I don’t know how to tell! Weren’t you bragging last month you helped your sister give birth in a Walmart?”

“That doesn’t mean I know how to check if she’s dilated!”

“You know more than me!”

“I’m not sticking my fucking face between legs!”

“Oh, because you’re gay you’re suddenly scared of vagina’s?”

“What are you talking about?”

“So you’d rather let her just die?”

“DIE? Joel she’s not gonna die because I’m not looking at her fucking cu-”

“GUYS” you shout, causing both to turn and look at you. “The contractions stopped.”

There’s a moment of silence before Lorenzo speaks. “Oh. Huh. That’s uhhh… Braxton-Hicks I guess. False labor.”

As Joel kissed you that night, sex was the last thing you wanted, but you knew there was no point in fighting it.

Joel sucked on your throat, already bruised with dark marks from the night before, now sore and aching with new licks and bites, his hands roaming to expanse of skin presented before him. Gripping, feeling, pinching, tugging, some things felt good, some hurt, but that didn’t matter. He’d get you off, he always did, at night anyway, but you knew sometimes he just liked to feel you, feel what he owned.  The pain is mine. Your cries are mine, your cunt is mine. And if you bleed? Your blood is mine.

Your belly round and swollen with child, he could not hardly keep his hand off it, every time his hand traveled to explore, it quickly found itself returning to its home, never wanting to miss a kick. He slithered down, nestling his face between your legs and devouring your pussy the way he did your neck, the way he did every piece of you, body and soul and until there was nothing left but this subservient version of you, weak and obedient to his hands. He lapped you up, skilled tongue exploring through your folds only pausing to nibble at the soft skin of your thighs or kiss the round stomach above him. He felt extra possessive today, a desperate, anxious way about him as he devoured you so hungrily you wondered if he intended to eat you, swallow you whole to keep you with him forever; a communion, and you were the eucharist, a matrimony of cannibalism. 

You wanted to tug at his hair, you wanted to entangle yourself in him but your belly was in the way, so you simply laid back and enjoyed as he tongue fucked you, prodding at your entrance, his hands on the globe where your child waits to be born.

“Fuck, Joel, need you, need to cum, please.”

You beg for him, plead, and he devours. Joel knows you love when his perfect, plus lips such at your mound and your clit with long fingers fingering into you, and you yelp when they curl up and hit that spot inside you. “Keep moaning, little one, let me hear you.”

You obliged. Sometimes you wondered how sick everyone in the house was of hearing you, but they weren’t the ones you needed to please; pleasing Joel kept you alive.

“I need you inside me, please” Nudging him with your leg as you cry for his cock. “Joel, I gotta have you inside me, I need to cum on your cock, please? Please, Joel-”

A wet, sloppy sound as he detached from you, and his eyes looked just as hungry as he acted while he crawled up. “You beg so pretty, little one, such a pretty little cock whore.”

But you didn’t have time for his talking, you needed him inside you, now; the hormones of the pregnancy had a mind of their own. You take a chance and push him down, watching Joel smile as you straddle his waist. “God, I just- just need you.”

“The take me, little one, take me” 

You cry out as you sink down onto him, feeling your cunt split on him. “Fuuuck!” Sobbing, you take him fully and begin to fuck yourself on him.

“Just like that, pretty girl, fuck, taking me so well, gonna have you all stretched out to have this baby, huh? Gonna give me a child, little girl? A baby of our own? Fuck, fuck you look so pretty like this, swollen with my child, stretching your stomach as I stretch your cunt, fucking perfect, my perfect wife.”

Wife.

Wife.

Wife?!

You knew Joel was delusional… but fuck, Lorenzo was right… you were playing house wife. Joel thought of you as his wife… 

“Gonna fuck you full of my cum, again, and again, keep you constantly knocked up, make our happy little family, you and me and a dozen little kids running around, FUCK, our family, our family.”

You continued the pace, you couldn’t falter, you couldn’t slow down, you couldn’t hesitate; you couldn’t give any sort of reason for him to think you didn’t want this…

But it suddenly struck you

You were trapped. Joel trapped you with a baby, knowing you’d need him to protect it, knowing you’d never leave your child… and now he was going to keep you pregnant. You could never leave with 5,6,7 kids, it would be impossible. 

“Yeah, fuck yourself on my cock little one, just little that…” Joel reached out to touch you, roughly manhandling your tits that were swollen and engorged.

You begin to cry, but that wouldn’t give away anything for Joel; he fucking loved that shit.

One hand on your breast, one on your clit. “Cry on my cock, baby girl, cry when you cum.”

You did, you sobbed as you came, your body betraying the horrors you felt at his hands.

Month 8

“Hey Joel? Can I talk to you about something?”

You had to do it. You had to. And it had to be now. You two had fucked less than half an hour ago and he was currently eating your food, humming contently. He was always lovey-dovey after sex, and was always much happier after food… The pair didn’t line up often, so now was your chance. 

“What’s on your mind, little one? Nervous about being a mother? You’ll be a great mom; I just know it.” He smiled at you with puppy dog eyes, looking up from his plate, and you couldn’t help smiling back, not when he showered you with compliments.

“Well… you’ve said before you wanted lots of kids… but we… well this little baby was an accident.”

“A miracle, not an accident.” Joel corrected you. You didn’t see how conceiving a child the night he was threatening to blow your brains onto a wall for sleeping with his brother if you didn’t shoot said-baby’s uncle was a miracle… but you digress

“Right. Well… we never really talked about more kids… and although I’m over the moon about this baby, I did initially not want to have it.” Joel’s face began to darken, but you powered through. “Maybe we could see how we feel about one kid after a few years before thinking about-”

Joel slammed down his silverware. “What are you trying to say.”

But you freeze. This was a bad idea, you needed to placate immediately, you needed to calm him down. “N-nothing, Joel, just thinking out loud.”

He stood up, a deadly, blank stare on his face, so far removed from the adoration as he bestowed kisses on your ever-growing belly. Joel walked around the table, standing behind you and placing firm hands on your shaking shoulders, leaning into your ear. 

“You say’n you don’t want my kids? Don’t wanna be their mama? You don’t wanna be my wife?”

“No, no that’s not-” But you don’t get a chance to finish, his hand is wrapped around your throat and insane strength pulling you up and out of the chair, the wooden furniture toppled to the side in a loud clatter. He slams the back of your head against the drywall, you’re toes barely touch the ground; struggling to breath, you claw at his hand, but he doesn’t even blink.

The panic begins to set it.

“YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE! YOU DO NOT GET TO MAKE CHOICES!” He screams, and out of the corner of your eye you watch as a few men hesitantly gather, like vultures waiting on the next piece of deadmeat. You couldn’t see who, but it didn’t matter. Even the good ones couldn’t intervene.

Joel’s face was suddenly right in front of yours. “Everything you have, any freedom, any luxuries, any power you think you have is because I have given it to you.” Black spots appeared, your vision blurring, sinking into the unknown and god, did it feel sweet. Was it finally over? “I bought you, I own you, you have no rights! You are nothing! You are nothing but a toy for me to play with, a breeding bitch and you should be so lucky to sit at my table!”

He let go, but as you gasped for breath, Joel yanked at your hair and patched you across the room, not letting go of his grasp on you as you flung into the counter. What he didn’t know, what he could never understand was how the handle of the draw rammed into the brand on your side. Suddenly, all sense, all rational went out the window, and you were violently thrust back to last year as he burned his initials into your skin. The flashbacks were triggered, and the result was nothing short of hysteria. You cry out for the only person who would step in.

“TOMMY!TOMMY!TOMMY!TOMMY!TOMMYYYY” You scream, the fact Tommy was miles away didn’t matter, nor did the fact this would only anger Joel more. This didn’t matter; you wanted him, no one but him, and all sense was knocked out of you.

Joel pulls you up by your hair and slaps you hard enough that you taste blood and screams at you to not say Tommy’s name, but you can’t stop, you scream and scream and scream for him to come save you and your baby, the precious little life inside you that has never done anything wrong. 

You fight and claw and panic, hysterics drowning out the one or two voices telling Joel to stop; who they belonged to, you couldn’t say. 

Joel stopped listening, and the voices grow louder as Joel drags you, kicking and screaming, outside; rope and a chair in his hand, your hair in the other, and Joel walked with long strides to a tree outside.

****************

YEEEEEEESSSSHHHHHHHHHHH Cliiiiiff hanger, hanging from a cliiiiiiffff thats why he's caaaaallled, Cliff Hangers!

Who else used to watch Inbetween The Lions? Anyway.

Who wanna guess what happens!

Only two chapters left!

For the sake of credit, if you didn't find the superstore reference or dont watch the show, most of the dialogue between Joel and Lorenzo and LO was between Amy and Jonah from two birth related episodes of superstore

Also, Maura is named after my dear dear friend @maura-honey who although is not generally a fanfiction girlie, made a tumblr so she could read, like and reblog this series and always sends me such lovely messages <3

Reblogs are the best way to spread and support, but comments mean the world. I know not everyone likes to share dark content on their blog, but even a kind anon is such support!

for those who voted you dont like or hate or Lorenzo, I hope that doesn't mean you hate him as n he's a bad character. I got a comment on AO3 that said "i cant tell if i like lorenzo or not, but i like him in the story" which makes sense! His victim blaming is really fucking shitty.

no poll today, sorry!

MoonBanana said they think LO copes by lying to herself until she beleives it, what do y'all think? is she as delusional as joel?

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @howaboutcastiel @tidlewav3 @bunnnyy-dummy @slutfortimotheechalamet @foggymoonbanana @dinsbaby @miraclesabound @jenna-ortega @primosworld @marclovers @threeheadedlamb @secretwriterpp @the-fox-den

@bitchyglitterfox @0bsessedwithfictionalcharacters @alloftheboysivelovedbefore @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @lunar-ghoulie @pedritosdarling @dreamonseems @alwaysdjarin @amoramorquetepintas @milla-frenchy

[thenewfuture]

Hey guys, Mod Freeze here….

…

…We need to talk.

Or more like, I need to talk and get these emotions off my chest.

If you were on my main blog then you know who this is about already. But for those unaware and not in the know…

Let’s get educated, I guess…

On Tuesday, several big name YouTubers were the talk of the town with their biggest sparks of controversy on Twitter. But we’re here to only talk about one of those individuals. Chuggaaconroy.

Chuggaaconroy is a long time YouTuber who has been making Let’s Plays of his favorite games for over 2 decades now. And I was avid watcher of his since I was about in middle school. Something…clicked with me with how he handled himself, his silly little puns, his goofy attitude, his informative research into the games he was playing; it all seemed so cool to me. I looked up to him, I wanted to be like him one day, maybe even go to a convention and meet him in person at his panel. That was my dream, he was idol…

……….On Tuesday, Lady Emily brought forward that Chuggaaconroy had been sexually harassing her last year. Asking her for feet pics and wanting her to partake in his fetish despite already having a girlfriend. To which, he admitted to be true. Claiming he “misread” the situation, or “was unaware” of how he was coming across….

….Y’know they say to never meet your heroes, or to never idolize anyone for these reasons alone, yet it never clicked with me. I was fans of many other big shots in the entertainment world, be it TV producers, actors, writers or other YouTubers, one by one each was found to be creepy in the end. Some of them I liked their content for a mere day before they turn around and got exposed. It’s be funny if it wasn’t so sad…

Despite all of that though, despite having seen numerous of people I’ve looked up to for their content and got inspired by, everytime. I told myself. “If this happened to Chuggaaconroy, I would just give up. I would give up on people, this dream I had, everything! Because I would know what to do with myself” I couldn’t fathom…a world…where someone I looked up to for such a huge part of my life…could do something like that…

So I want to talk about several topics regarding this.

Firstly, boundaries. It is always important for you to set up boundaries and protect yourself. Even against the smallest of things, know your limits, and address them right from the jump. If someone asks you to do something you’re not comfortable with, don’t play along to appease them, do not engage with that activity or person anymore and shut it down as soon as possible.

And this goes around the other way, it’s important to think before you say something and ask yourself? “Is this okay? Is it really all right to do this?” Something innocent and harmless to you may not be so to others, abd you have to check yourself. I have in the past spoken out of turn with others, typically in a joking matter when the situation was far more serious then I thought it to be. It led to conversations becoming awkward and south badly because I misunderstood something.

Now I know there is a....ginormous margin of a distance between making jokes at improper times and....sexually harassing someone to partake in a fucking fetish, but the point still stands. Communication is a two-way street. I also don't want to make it seem like I'm victim blaming here, oh no. The fault still lies with Chuggaa. I just want others to protect themselves in case something does arise similarly, and for others to think before doing something.

Next point, the defenders. Now I have made it abundantly clear that I am so distraught by this news, and wish that it was untrue or that this would be a dream I could wake up from. But we all have to face reality at some point. That doesn't stop others from trying to defend their beloved idol, oh-so much though. Now I can understand to some degree the point of having it resolved through DMs, instead of leaking it on Twitter for the whole world to know; but bottling up all those emotions and baggage isn't exactly the healthiest thing to do either. It was right fro Lady Emily to stand up and let everyone know of the sexual harassment she had to endure.

Regardless, people still wish to defend Chuggaa anyway. And some....think it would be an excellent idea....out of all excuses....to say that it's normal for him to not find any wrongdoings on his part.....because he's autistic and doesn't get social cues.

.......You all know exactly how I feel about this type of excuse so let me reiterate.

....Don't.

....Ever.

.....Ever....!

....Ever!

EVER!

Use Autism as an excuse, to justify shitty behavior!

It. Is. Unacceptable!

You're just being ableist and reducing every other austic person out there by condemning shitty behavior, and you're infantizing Chuggaaconroy and acting like he doesn't know any better.

Chuggaa is not a fucking soft "uwu"cinnamon roll baby boy, he's a grown thirty-something year old man! Treat him like it!

And also, Chuggaa has never once hidden behind his autism as an excuse for anything. He admitted to it without a shadow of an excuse or any truth dragging to be forced out of him. So don't say stuff for him and defend his actions with that. Because, news flash, LADY EMILY IS ALSO AUTISTIC! What fucking double standards are you implying by saying she should've simply said no, but free Chuggaa of any and all crime.

I fucking hate that excuse! And as a person with Autism myself, I WILL NOT FOR SUCH SHIT BEHAVIOR AND DEFENSE LIKE THAT!

Ugh.........

.......So....what now...? Am I ever going to learn? Are we ever going to learn? Should we stop idolizing and looking up to others in general? Is it wrong to ever dream and get inspired because of others... I don't think so...

This brings me to the last point I want to talk about...

Inspirational figures. It's easier said than done to not look up to somebody, it's human nature. We look up to people all the time. Our parents, family members, our friends, actors, musicians, writers, influencers, fictional characters. And it's to an ever greater effect when you're a child. We think of them as heroes, gods. People inspire one another, and that inspiration sparks a light in someone's heart, and allows that person to carve out their path and find their potential future in life.

How many of you have gotten in to something because of someone else? Because you saw someone popular do it and you wanted to follow in their footsteps. I'm guessing a lot of you...

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be like somebody, to chase down that avenue of the person you admire so much. And it's going to be a long and treacherous road, but I need you to understand something... That person is so far away...so out of reach you can't touch them...but you know who you can hold...your friends. Your family. Those people closest to you, are that matter most. Not someone behind a screen. And like I said, it's going to be extremely hard to break away from that idolization. But don't ever stop going down the road to your future. Don't chase after someone else....love yourself first and foremost. Inspire yourself. Be your own inspiration.

And if you look up to me, or if I have influenced you in any way with this blog or my writing... Thank you...that means a lot... And I hope you can shine even better than I can... I hope you stick with the ones that matter most to you.

So class, what did we learn today.

-Set up boundaries to protect yourself from strangers at the first jump

-Think of what you're going to say before you say it

-It is isn't inherently wrong to have heroes.

-Inspire yourself

-And don't fucking ever use autism as an excuse from criticism. Or I will find you and eat bones starting from the inside and working my way out!

Ahem...! So, that's all I wanted to say. I know this stuff isn't what you're used to on this blog but I just had to get this out there and speak about it somehow. And I hope to see you all soon with some updates.

Take care of yourselves...

-Mod

[nerves-nebula]

For the Basic Neglect AU, does Splinter get a "trying to be a better father" arc like in Rise or is he gonna try to do better for a day n a half and then fall into old habits?

💙💙💙

*slams hands on table in an aggressively excited manner*

you have allowed me to rant about a new idea i have and you WILL listen OK SO HERE'S THE DEAL WITH THIS AU.

this AU will be drawing on a lot of my own personal experiences with neglect/abuse!! It's a pretty DIRE AU but its also supposed to be kind of funny in a dark sorta way i guess.

SO SPLINTER RIGHT? SO. I'm gonna level with you anon, he's just gonna be an absolute dogshit father. A bad person, even. and he will never admit it.

the situation is very "I'm not hurting you, I provide everything for you! and if I am hurting you then it's not that bad, and if it IS that bad it's not my fault because parenting isnt fucking easy" in a cyclical way in which he is never to blame.

any attempts he makes to reconcile with his kids have everything to do with what he THINKS a "good parent" should do and NOTHING to do with actually thinking of his kids as people.

so he'll hug Donnie if Donnie is crying, but if Donnie tries to pull away, Splinter won't let him go, even if Donnie REALLY DOESNT WANT TO BE HUGGED RIGHT NOW (<- based on a real event)

He's got no concept of boundaries and sees his children trying to set boundaries as an insult against The Closeness of their Relationship.

he says he doesn't have favorites but he'll always make excuses for Leo's behavior/abuse of his siblings. he doesn't think of himself as a mean person, but he'll laugh if the thing his kids are upset about aren't "serious" enough to warrant their reactions, or he'll be annoyed if they're upset about something he considers trivial.

he gets annoyed at Donnie and Mikey's stimming and often implies or just says his kids are stupid/think stupid things/got what they deserved for acting stupid.

(side note: Mikey is terrified of being "stupid" because Splinter has made it clear that the way to avoid harm is by "not being stupid" and if you're "stupid" then you somehow deserve what happens to you in a really gross victim-blamey way)

The closest thing they have to Family Bonding Time is eating meals together, watching TV/movies together, and training together. Which Splinter always makes worse/more tense whenever he's there because no one knows when it's going to stop being Nice Family Time and start being Splinter Dissecting The Way You Eat Time.

And in their free time he really doesn't give a shit what they do. He doesn't want them going topside for like the first 13 years, but he also doesn't really check up on them until its the end of the day (in which case he doesn't actually put them to bed. he just makes sure they're inside and then locks them all in while he goes to sleep so that they can't get lost or something. he does NOT give them good hygiene/sleeping habits I tell ya waht)

so they start sneaking out to the surface when they're pretty young and he has no idea cause he's "too busy" to watch them all the time. This has led to a lot of small accidents that could've been avoided if the fucking CHILDREN were being WATCHED but WHATEVER.

BASICALLY - he is a BAD DAD in this AU and he should never have had kids.

hope this answers your question :)

[dootznbootz]

opinions on helen of sparta being compared to prey animals? blink blink

*blink blinks back* Then immediately sits like this because of the question.

It's a good question that I'm happy to answer! It just makes me mad.... I sincerely hate the wording of "prey" being used to describe her.

SHE IS A VICTIM! THAT DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS "PREY"!

I can...see how people in ancient times may have used that word and still meant it in how she is a victim... but modern-day English-speaking people calling her that??? (considering how in different languages the word "prey" could have different meanings.) I'll just say that as someone who has been "prey" herself at one point, I REALLY hate that word as a descriptor. Just say victim or survivor. 👍

Honestly to call ANY victim "prey" is so fucked up. "Prey" to me, feels like "it's meant to happen." "Prey" are part of the food chain and so that's what happens. And to compare that to abduction and SA? Almost as if "that's our place"? It also kind of implies something being "eaten" or killed... Helen SURVIVES. She's traumatized and definitely needs healing and support but it's not like she can't find joy or peace ever again. Prey just feels so fucking gross.

Also, if someone calls victims "prey", I hope they know that Moose, Elk, Boars, Bovine, ZEBRAS, etc. are technically "prey". And these are VERY aggressive animals while still being "prey" for some other animals. And also that doesn't mean that "Oh, they're powerful! Clearly they should've been able to stop it." That's victim blaming :P

She is a clever, determined, caring woman who was ripped from her home for YEARS because Paris was a dipshit who decided he needed the prettiest woman in the world despite already having a wife. He didn't care about the fact that Helen didn't want to be there and was already married. He is so selfish that he will not let her go back even when THOUSANDS have died in the war! EVEN HIS BROTHER HECTOR AND PRIAM DO NOT BLAME HER! Granted, we do not know if Aphrodite would have let him undo their deal of "I want the prettiest woman" if he DID end up feeling bad for Helen and he wished to let her go home (I doubt it based on his personality though).

"Oh, if she is so independent/strong, then why didn't she just kill Paris and leave?"

AGAIN! Victim blaming!!! First thing, people who ask that have media literacy that is piss on the poor. You also have no idea about the political implications that would have happened if she DID kill Paris. She literally cries about staying there and argues with Aphrodite about seeing Paris, only to get strongarmed by Aphrodite as, guess what? A GODDESS WILL ALWAYS OVERPOWER A DEMIGOD. (This isn't Percy Jackson where he "killed" Ares as a 12 year old (Percy, you were my childhood, but that's bullshit.))

Even confined in Troy, she ARGUED with APHRODITE about going to see Paris! She is not some meek woman who just does as she's told with no pushback! She argued with a GODDESSS! Very few survive doing that!!!

She's not "Prey to fate", she's a "VICTIM of Fate".

[foolondahill17]

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, @urne-buriall, and they're all your fault. Today's segment let off at the same point where my initial read-through stopped before I had to wait for chapter updates. I'm struck with the same feeling of heartache for Dean and frustration for the way both Kate and Sam reacted to his situation.

1. I'm trying to respond to Kate sympathetically. John is a man she's known for some time and the father of her child. She wants to think the best of him. In the 90s there wasn't as much public information about people in domestic abuse situations, especially not a young man like Dean (and this is still true for a lot of male victims). But I can't help but view Kate through the lens of someone in this day and age.

If someone tells you they are being abused (let alone an eighteen-year-old kid) you never - never - go to the alleged abuser to ask if it's true. The amount of danger she put Dean in after he just disclosed this secret to her, especially when he'd been trying to keep her son safe? I'm stunned she could make that kind of decision.

Although my frustration toward Kate is understandable, I think my anger is misplaced - that should only be directed toward John. John is the danger here, not Kate. In fact, Kate is another potential victim, perhaps, if Dean had never said anything. She's in a difficult situation, too - an unwed, single mother trying to build a better life for her son. It's understandable she's blinded by John's charisma.

I also can't imagine the guilt Kate must experience after this moment: she has to learn about Dean pressing charges against John, eventually, and - she's a smart lady - she'll now not only have irrefutable proof of John's actions but also guess that John must have blown up at Dean after her phone call. Her horror and shame over that decision will likely haunt her for the rest of her life. It's a sign of Dean's tremendous compassion that he forgives her (if he ever even blames her in the first place; I imagine it would take a couple years for him to even register he was upset about her actions, let alone voice them). I hope they're able to have a conversation about it someday.

2. My frustration toward Sam is a little milder. After all, Sam is a child. He can't be expected to react with the same level of knowledge and maturity. But I'm still yelling at him through the screen when he confronts John about leaving. Again, I can't help but think of the danger that creates for Dean. What if Sam had directly confronted John about hurting Dean? How would John have reacted? What if John had lashed out at Sam, and Dean had gotten in the middle?

Again, if someone comes to you with the fact they're being abused (and Dean didn't even tell Sam, in this case; Sam discovered it, himself) do. not. confront. the. abuser. But Sam is young and understandably selfish, impulsive, and self-riteous in the way teenagers are. What's more, Sam is also a victim of abuse, just not physically like Dean (which I tried to portray in my prequel). Sam's also had a neglectful and volatile father. He's seen how John treats Dean, and this has left scars and fears aplenty for Sam. He's also experiencing a trauma response, here, except his is to lash out rather than make himself smaller.

I can't help but see how both these events leave Dean. Of the only two people who know the secret of John's abuse, one immediately betrays that trust to his abuser, and one immediately leaves him to face the abuse by himself. It's a mark of Dean's tremendous strength that he ever tells anyone again about what John's done to him - a further testimony to his courage that he presses charges.

Yes, some of that choice to tell his story is taken out of his hands when John hurts him badly enough that the evidence is impossible to hide, but it's still Dean who ultimately decides to come forward. And it's a marvel that he finds that determination when he's been let down so badly by others before. I'm so fucking proud of him for his decisions in the next few segments: choosing to trust Missouri, Cas, Bobby, Ellen, and eventually Jody. I can imagine Dean faltering through his statement to Jody, "I know it's hard to believe -" and I like to think Jody, with calm and compassion, would immediately tell him, "I believe you."

I posted about it before, and, although I want nothing more than Cas to be there immediately to support Dean in this moment, I'm glad that his absence narratively gives Dean the space to grow as a character. In a way, Dean needed to reach this moment of despair (for the story; I'm not extending this to real-life abuse victims) in order to discover that he still has the capacity to trust the people around him. He needed to realize that he's not alone in this. All he needs to do is ask for help; he will be given it in spades.

[gor3whore69]

Random Vent:

I struggle to deal with people from my past because they often have a victim complex, which leads me to believe everything is my fault.

Like because of some shit they have done I feel like I'm at fault for everything in my in life because I'm such a people pleaser and hate others being mad at me and I know for a fact I'm splitting on myself because I feel like I'm the bad guy in this situation, when deep down I know I'm not.

a bit of background context I ended up blocking three people I used to consider close friends it wasn't till an outside source that was my partner pointed out how badly they actually treat such as constantly blowing me off when I'd ask to hangout or saying they were going to invite me somewhere and then not saying the day of ghost me and then snap me out at a bar or club or don't even respond completely ghost me instead such as blocking me from their stories. Mind you this is only the shit they've been doing since we started being friends after almost two years again and the reason we stopped being friends two years ago is because they blamed me for cheating on their boyfriend with my cousin IDK how that's my fault. Then after we stopped talking during this time they befriended my abuser and started telling them everything I was doing with my life and all the fucked up things I was doing after the breakup between me and my abuser which caused almost two years of online harassment from my abuser

Now did I block them with no explanation, yes yes I did but it was honestly kinda like my own revenge I guess to make myself feel better was it probably childish yes, but I feel like it was on the same level of childish as what they were doing to me.

[midnightwinterhawk]

Mar's covid reading list

Covid made it hard for me to focus so I spent my downtime rereading some favorite comfort fics which I will now share with you for the low, low price of 'don’t forget to kudos and/or comment on these lovely stories'.

(16k | Explicit | Sterek)

We Grew A Little And Knew A Lot by attackofthezee (noxlunate)

“So, you do like me though?”

--

“No, I hate you and I’ve spent a ton of time and money trying to make you happy for no reason at all.” Derek deadpans and Stiles can’t help it, he smiles blindingly at Derek and leans in, smashing their mouths together.

Or an A/B/O fic that's totally mostly floof

Fireman Derek's Crazy Pie [Cheeseburger Baby] by owlpostagain

(18k | Teen | Sterek)

“He can't blame me for the fact that I live in a building full of people united in the singular effort to ogle Hot Fireman as often as humanly possible."

Laura laughs, loud and echoing in the empty restaurant.

"Hot firemen can make a girl do crazy things," she agrees, nodding towards her brother's name on the menu. "Derek won't let me date anyone from his company, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the eye candy."

"Send them my way," Stiles suggests, finally loading up a forkful of pie. "Apparently I'm incompetent enough that I need to be babysat at all times, because it would be cheaper than dispatching a truck every time I try to use a kitchen appliance."

Leave the Rest Unspoken (I Hear You) by @lizabethl

(16k | Explicit | WinterHawk)

“I, um. I don’t think I’m supposed to have these.”

Bucky held something out between them, changing the target of Clint’s focus. When Clint saw the stack of envelopes in Bucky’s hands, his heart stopped beating and he dropped his bow to the ground.

Shit.

“Shit,” Clint whispered, wanting to reach out and snatch the letters from Bucky’s grip, but unable to move due to the mortification flowing through him. “Did you read them?”

Starving for the Light by @thepartyresponsible

(45k | Explicit | WinterHawk)

“You’ve got, like.” The witch taps his own chest, center mass, with the slice of pizza. “An infection, kinda. In your soul, I guess. Whatever you want to call it. Nobody wants to call it magic.”

“I don’t have any magic,” Bucky says, immediately. He’s not a witch.

“Sure,” the witch says. “Well, that thing you have that connects you to Steve, the part of you that can form bonds to other people. That part of you. It’s fucked.”

“Fucked,” Bucky repeats. He wonders if that’s a medical or magical diagnosis.

Mistakes Were Made by @spidergwenstefani

(1.4k | Teen | WinterHawk)

Sam slaps his hands against the conference table, half-standing from his seat.

“You spent three days with the deadliest assassin on earth? Doing what?”

Clint’s face goes red and Maria feels her stomach drop.

“No,” she manages. “Barton. You didn’t.

“Um.” Clint's face scrunches up like he can wince his way out of the conversation. “I didn’t not.”

AKA Clint ends up confessing to having met the Winter Soldier once before.

Baby Whisperer by @twothumbsandnostakeincanon

(26k | Mature | Steter )

“What. Is that.”

Scott looked up at him, apprehensive.

“Her name’s Lily.”

Stiles stared at the fuzzy head peeking out of the papoose.

“Her. Her name. That is a real live human baby. Oh my God-”

“Actually I don’t know if she’s human?” Scott said with a confused frown. “Becca didn’t say.”

“Who the fuck is Becca?!”

Infinite Space by @discontentedwinter

(35k | Explicit | Steter)

Stiles needs Peter's expertise to help stop the latest threat to Beacon Hills.

And, as the pack falls apart around him, he might even need Peter for more than that.

there's a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly by xiaolongbaobei

(7k | Mature | SladeJay, Jason&books)

Frankly it’s a stupid idea, but Jason’s apparently known for his stupid ideas, including one which everybody in his ex-family has claimed led to his own death. Victim-blaming and general classism aside, yeah well if nobody’s going to treat Jason Todd like an adult or a hero — he thinks that he doesn’t need to be a hero. And ergo — Jason’s free to make stupid choices. Like getting into bed with Slade Wilson.

The Corner of Divinity by @primeemeraldheiress

(5k | Explicit | SladeJay)

He stared, heart in his throat. He couldn’t tear his eyes away. The heavy tang of blood was thick in the air and his feet felt like lead. He couldn’t move. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to. Whatever he’d expected to find, it wasn’t this.

Deathstroke’s lips twisted in a smirk. “I hoped you would show.”

“How could I resist?” Jason drawled, grateful his helmet hid his voice and for the scent blocking patches on his neck. “It was such an artfully worded invitation.”

Between Us by Tulikettu

(9.7k | Explicit | Fratt)

Matt asks Frank to go to a wedding as his date.

Foggy is annoyed.

Frank makes some mix tapes.

Matt might have underestimated everything he's ever felt.

Frank has vowed never to love again.

[sunfudge]

\\HEADS UP 4.2 SPOILERS TO ANYONE WHO HASNT DONE IT

I have to agree with your stance on the AQ. I almost fooled myself into thinking it wasn’t good when the reality was I thought it was amazing but having to see so much grief throughout the quest knocked me out (in a good way). From the first 10 minutes where it was completely reasonable to see Navia break down after staying strong in front of the victims of the sudden flood, and her final bittersweet goodbye to Silver and Melus - wow. I’ve seen people deal with grief and if anything Navia was so damn strong for keeping it together. I’d be bawling for days girl like huh. And if you think about it, with how Fontaine has a strong theme of deception (like everyone is hiding something about themselves), isn’t it refreshing to have Navia who is so incredibly genuine and earnest with her intentions and her want to help everyone? I love her a lot.

Then we were hit with the gradual masking of Furina?

Like - we almost had her open up but then it was revealed we were in the Opera house. This was made worse later on when the traveller saw her inner dialogue during that moment was “surely I’m allowed to put myself first for the first time in 400 years?”. As the human side of Focalor, Furina was absolutely outstanding and selfless. Ohhh my God and the way Furina thinks of her suffering as a kind of “price” or sacrifice to pay for saving Fontaine? Direct contrast to earlier dialogue about how Silver and Melus should not be seen as a mere prices?? FURINA YOU’VE DONE SO MUCH MY LOVE

As much as it pains me that we didn’t get to see her at the end of the AQ to check on her, I guess it makes sense? If you were performing for 400 years and you finally get a chance to crawl away from watchful eyes like you wanted, I think it’s reasonable to just. Want to go away for a bit. But God I really really wish her all the best with finally being allowed to live as herself and not as someone else.

There’s so much to talk about I can’t condense it all. Even small details like a random audience member saying “wait, the death sentence? Isn’t that too harsh? Her only sin was making us!” made my heart clench. Furina begging her people to believe her because she is terrified that they will drown since her facade has been the only thing keeping the flood at bay. AND she will blame herself for not doing enough. Neuvi going “after 500 years, you think I would have the heart to proclaim them as guilty?” Focalor’s goodbye to Furina being “you can now live as a human like I always wished we could.” OUGHHH

Anyway. Wow. I just,,, yeah. I really really liked the quest in all honesty. I needed a good cry and I got it. To each their own opinion, and everyone has a right to not like things in the game. But personally to me this was fantastic.

I'm so glad you sent me this because I'm about to totally lose it about the archon quest in this reply.

Below are further spoilers for the 4.2 archon quest

I totally agree with you on the grief thing, and upon reflection and sleeping on it I think the fact I did this quest all in one continuous sitting over the course of hours added to my previous mixed feelings, just because it was SO MUCH sadness in such a short space of time that it kinda made me associate the quest with feelings of sorrow.

Had I completed the archon quests in parts, having gone away and came back to it later, I feel I'd have handled it better, but I can't stop myself from doing archon quests in one sitting, it's in my DNA to complete them all at once LOL

Navia's bit at the start... Oh it had been about 20 minutes into me playing and I was crying buckets. Full on sobbing.

I play in English and when I tell you her voice actress had RENT DUE because her crying, her voice, everything just broke my heart I literally was like okay great it's not even been half an hour and I'm broken for her, what the fuck.

As soon as I saw Silver and Melus weren't with her I teared up cause I was like they're dead, aren't they? And then I just kept crying anytime they were brought up, and then when they saved her from the primordial sea :(

Navia is a very good character, I love her, she's so authentic and genuine and strong it's made me wanna pull with her purely to spoil her because it's what she deserves.

On to Furina, my heart has ACHED for her since we found out the truth.

I always loved her, and I always thought she did have some sort of plan ever since she reacted with such anger to Arlecchino's insinuation that she was ignoring the prophecy and doing nothing. It was raw real anger from Furina which of course we now understand. It contrasted so harshly with what the game was showing us her acting like, plus Neuvi saying that she is 'taking the prophecy very seriously', that made me go 'we do not know the whole truth', and I was right but FUCK it was in a way I'd never have been able to predict.

WHEN I REALIZED WE HAD TRANSPORTED HER TO THE OPERA HOUSE I STARTED CRYING AGAIN I wanted to wrap her in a blanket and protect her. I totally understand why the trial took place, from the perspective of the other characters there is an impending doomsday that will wipe out the entirety of Fontaine's population, from their perspective it made sense and was justified because they weren't hearing Furina's thoughts and thought crucial information pertaining to the prophecy was being withheld from them, both them and Furina had the shared goal of protecting Fontaine - but that didn't mean that whole section didn't hurt like Hell to complete.

She thought her world was falling apart, after so many years of dedicating herself entirely to this role in order to save her nation she thought it was ALL over and those 146848 scenes (WHICH btw when it changed to THAT number of scenes I was BAWLING, what a hard hitting way to show her continuous suffering in a way that's so impactful) were for nothing.

You know I didn't even realize the Silver and Melus/Furina price thing until you just said it, oh mannnnnnn this fucking archon quest.

It's sore, but you're right - showing her at the end of the quest and us speaking with her would not have made sense. Giving her space after that made the most sense narratively but it definitely also made me feel like we had no sort of closure on her wellbeing (I'm sure her story quest gives us some of that) so that also added to my pain at the end because I was like ... The last time I saw her she was walking through the city as those people yelled 'the prophecy was wrong', and I hope she knows that the prophecy was only 'wrong' BECAUSE of what she did. The prophecy was wrong because of YOU, my love

She deserves a happy and peaceful life doing all the things she loves from now on.

Also, I presume she's mortal now? I'm sure Focalors made the point of saying her existence was what increased Furina's lifespan so like - now she's a whole mortal human being...

There's so many thoughts that have come from this quest.

The Oceanid reveal was so good, like you said that NPC saying her sin was making them, and now believing she'll be sentenced to death for it... Oh god.

The begging, her saying 'believe me I AM your archon' the slow descent into her crying because she believes it's all over when in reality she was FINALLY at the end, the fact she never knew when the end was coming she didn't know this was meant to happen she wasn't aware this was finally the end of her pain

Oh Neuvillette declaring the citizens of Fontaine innocent is one of my favourite moments in the entire game now.

Having had time to process it, I agree, this is one of the best stories in the game and it was told incredibly well and the whole thing was so fucking emotional I felt like I got battered after I finished it.

[starlightshadowsworld]

Danganronpa 3: Future arc episode 6

Thonks.

Yasuhiro I'm afraid your vision of the future isn't correct.

I appreciate that even knows he might not be right but he being hopeful.

Can't fault him for that.

Especially because who knows how long he's been up there.

... I don't know how long but Chisa's body should be looking a lot worse.

Flashback to the trios graduation day.

The passage of time shown in Munakata's terrible hair cut.

Really?

You can't make me care, I'm sorry but you can't make me care about them.

Munakata just planned out everyone's life and guess they're cool with it?

No wonder he's got a complex.

... Munakata Chisa is already dead why are you stabbing her?

And you're just gonna leave the sword there.

Rude.

I know he's killing the idea of them together, all of them and the future they planned.

But that dream died before she did so I'm confused but okay than.

If its killing off the last part of him that held him together... Someone warn Juzo.

... No... Nooo they didn't...

No I'm not believing that they killed Kyoko.

You got me with Asahina but there's no way... No way...

Munakata immediately blaming Makoto, fuck you man.

There's no way...

I know you lost all humanity now Munakata, not that you had much in the first place, but interrogating a guy by his friends maybe corpse.

... Is several layers of fucked up.

Wait... Wait is this a nightmare? Because Munakata has both eyes in this.

And his outfit looks a lot more put together, and he has his sword.

... Oh phew it was a nightmare.

Stop doing this to me man!

Not cool!

Aw Makoto... He's slipping too poor guy.

His face is so sad.

I swear if Kyoko is actually dead...

Oh phew she's okay, doing her investigation to go find the 3rd body.

I know this guy isn't trying to sass Kyoko Kirigiri in the middle of an investigation.

Oh! Izayoi's the 3rd victim.

... Ruruka's gonna lose her shit.

I wonder if it's because he went through the secret entrance?

Single knife wound to the chest.

Oh fuck Seiko!

And she has the same injury, by the same weapon.

Suspicious.

Ruruka asking for help... Hmm...

Makoto and the others finding the Directors body, but knowing he wasn't the attackers victim.

Monaca eating ice cream as Makoto grieves the Director.

Seems about right.

Poor Makoto, one nightmare after another.

That odd moment when Monaca using Usami... Or Monomi to give Makoto a hope speech.

And it works.

Gotta wonder why she's being supportive through all of this. I get it's a cover but she could've just let Asahina comfort Makoto.

What is it with people and leaving messages in their blood as they die for Makoto?

I mean I get it but it's becoming a pattern now.

"I entrust the hope of the world to you."

Makoto smiling and getting some of his groove now.

"I need to stop thinking like a lone wolf."

Makoto you can he accused of many things, that is not one of them.

It is him saying he'll stop burdening himself with everything but I don't think he can.

That's not what he meant Monaca and you know it.

Also he did get the drop on Junko, he defeated her in the final trial.

"Why are we playing Monokuma's game in the first place."

... Because you're being forced to?

I love how Makoto's plan is just essentially to blow up a wall and let's get out because there's no rule against leaving.

The exits are sealed but no one said anything about making new ones.

Which, is a plan I guess.

Loophole, loophole.

But Munakata's not gonna let you out so easily.

Oh man are we finally using Yasuhiro to advance the plot?

Nope.

Monaca's panic when Asahina calls her a warrior of hope.

Heh.

I'm still sus of Ruruka but I can't see her killing Izayoi.

I do feel a little bad for her, it's gotta be hard seeing the guy she's loved all her life dead.

For the first time in her life she's alone.

Kyoko saying nope were staying, is very Kyoko.

And I love that she looks at Rukra saying "I intend to avenge Izayoi's murder, will you help me?"

That's how you get people on your side.

I hate that this anime is getting me to like Monomi.

I'm gonna be so suprised if the communication to the outside future foundation offices works.

... It worked.

And it's.. Byakuya!!!

Yesss oh man I didn't think he'd be in this show.

But yess!!! Man I've never been so happy to see Byakuya.

I love how Byakuya's just like it's nice to see you but I suppose you're in a hurry, aren't your on a trial or something?

Stay classy Byakuya.

So this game isn't being televised.

That's good, no one needs to know the people in charge have lost it.

Ah fuck future foundation people's are heading to Jabberwock island.

Sent by Munakata, of course.

It's so bizzare seeing Byakuya just drink tea and being the image of calm and composed.

Byakuya saying there could be a connection between that and this, makes sense.

I'm not suprised Byakuya has his own forces.

He would.

And he's gonna let Toko into the loop, that should be fun.

Only Byakuya can call someone their excellency but as an insult.

Well that went well.

Byakuya putting down his cup to address the whole room like you heard the man, everyone assemble.

... And they found the real Miaya's body but only after the call ended.

And Byakuya accurately susses out that it's gotta be Monaca.

So Byakuya knows but Makoto and Asahina do not.

Toko!!! Komaru!!

Ahhh I'm so happy.

Annd it's Komaru telling Toko to bathe... Welp.

Toko's still crazy for Byakuya, sigh.

Makoto's speech as the episode ends.

I love that Yasuhiro is just fishing and chilling on the roof.

I love how we're getting the team back this is great.

[glitchingonthetimeline]

I am so infinitely fucking tired of being a silent victim of shit only because I've been taught that. People teach their little girls to not speak up.

"It's not that deep" he makes jokes about mine and other women's genitals and he's only been in my class for four months. "You could ruin his school career" if he doesn't want his school career ruined because of a joke, no matter if he meant it or not, then he shouldn't have asked me my bra size. "It's just a joke, calm down!" he touches me when I told him not to. No matter arms or hands, even if he's touching me in a place that's not inherently malicious, I told him not to. Does he care? No.

And guess what? If I ignore him, he yells my name. If I don't, he does it harder. He bothers me no matter what. He doesn't care that no is no, and stop is stop.

But it's just a joke, right?

"Maybe he likes you!"

"Boys will be boys!"

"It's not worth it to make a racket about this!"

Well, we're kids. I don't care that "boys will be boys". This is serious.

Teach your boys what "no" means. Teach your boys to stop. Because every day I'm scared he'll go further. And because I'm afraid as a kid, and as a girl. Because I'm afraid that one day snarky comments won't be enough. Because I know no one will blame him.

Sincerely,

a scared teen.

[arcaneniffler]

So like some days ago I got into a “fight” with someone here over a post saying i *might* wanna write a fic from the women’s pov of robert’s rebellion… you know i thought i’d get a few likes and that’s it?? (I got a fic recommendation similar to my idea so thank you for that.)

And then someone just had to go and say stupid shit like “nobody blamed women”… well i responded and didn’t receive a reply, so i was like ?? have you given up so easily? Guess what.. they blocked me. (Funny thing is that i could see their newest reply through my browser so… lol)

“Lyanna chose to run away with Rhaegar.” Do we ever get a Lyanna pov?? No. So we can’t know for 100%. Most of the characters believe she was kidnapped tho, so maybe that’s an indication? Yes, of course she played a role in the rebellion. Was that a voluntary role? That’s the question of the century.

“Rhaenyra played an active role in the dance of dragons!!/ is partially to blamed for it” Of course??? She was literally one of the two people vying for the throne?? And the literal only reason why the whole dance happened was because she was a woman. (If anyone brings up the bastard-arguement… if she were a man nobody would’ve given two fucks about her having bastards.) As for Alicent Hightower — she’s a good example too. I love her as well, she’s such a complex character, but the point of an example is to just name a few [poeple, things, etc] not every single one…

Calling me sexist is a low blow. I am here literally defending women, saying they shouldn’t be blamed for stupid shit. I have dealt with sexism my whole life — thank you very much. Maybe you should just stop and look into yourself for a minute before saying shit??

Asoiaf generally treats people bad. Everybody suffers pretty much. I am not downplaying the bad things that happen to men; my initial post just happened to be about women. (I think the sexist thing to say is rather that “oh ok women have it bad buT WHAT ABOUT MEN. THEY SUFFER TOO. POOR MEN, let’s make this one about them too.”) I could write essays about the bad things that happened to some men in asoiaf, how they were mistreated etc. But I was talking about women in that post. Period.

And obviously, these women are all very strong. I think that’s what makes them especially strong and brave — that even though they live in a world designed to opress women and have many horrible experiences, they still survive and fight on. Sansa, Daenerys, Brienne, Arya, Catelyn, Cersei, Margaery — just to name a few. It’s not “wa waa women can’t do anything because they’re victims” it’s “yes, even though many women were victims of cruelty, they still continue to fight.” All of these characters (and not just the women) are very complex. Putting them into the roles of “victim” and “oppressor” are just too cliche; but I of course didn’t sit down and and write an essay about it, I made a shitpost on tumblr thinking 5 people will read it and that’s it. The fact that you came and critisized the idea of a women-centric fanfiction is just ridiculous.

I don’t know why arguing with strangers on the internet is such a good pasttime? If you didn’t like my original post you could’ve just ignored it. (And if you say “oh but you aren’t ignoring my reply either.” Yes, because you dragged me into this.) Everyone can have different opinions and theories, but when it goes over to the point where you insult me, I just can’t take it. I’m not sure if you will ever see this post, but if you do; I’m sorry if you’ve misunderstood me at any point— but please keep your chill.

[nihilistbabydolll]

At some point the advice “it will get better! Just hang on a little longer!” starts to feel patronizing.

TW!! (Mentions of slewerslidal attempts and ideations)

It’s as if I’m expected to believe in some sort of magical fairy, that will sweep in and save the day, in coming of age movie fashion.

My heart was broken for the first time at 4 years old by my father. I thought about killing myself for the first time at 9 years old. I tried to kill myself for the first time at 11. And from there on I was stuck in a morbid, fucked up, groundhogs day. It never got easier, those feelings and attempts never stopped. If anything life just got harder and harder, and every time I thought it couldn’t get worse, I would descend father and farther down. Rock bottom seemed to get sharper somehow, cutting into my chest and ribs. I can’t recall any point in my life where I felt genuinely happy, and especially not for longer than a day or two. I’ve basically only felt pain, disappointment and let down in my life. It’s never my turn, it never has been and probably never will be. Every year has some sort of devastating catastrophic event, that leaves me to believe my life is being played out by a malicious 12 year old one-manning the sims. Except, they won’t take out the goddamn ladder.

So here I am now. 24. Uncharacteristically bitter, (especially for my age). Trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do next. Well how am I supposed to figure that out when my life hangs in the balance? When I can’t decide if I even want to be alive. Somehow bills and jobs don’t seem overtly important when you’re hanging off a cliff. And that’s where my life has been spent for the last two decades, on a literal cliffhanger. Will she finally kill herself? Will she get better? Who knows! Tune in next year to see if “Gods plan” is to torture her further, or if she’ll finally get the balls to finish the job.

And when you try to explain to someone the devastatingly mortal and morbid thoughts that race through your mind all hours of the day, you get met with “it’ll get better.” Well guess what it might not and what then, what if it doesn’t?

What THE FUCK am I supposed to do with that.

And I can’t blame them, what are they supposed to say? Reach out for help? As if the hundreds of times every borderline has done that, we were actually met with any sort of actual mental health care or, I don’t know, empathy perhaps? And that’s assuming they’ll even see you, seeing as most mental health professionals hate us and refuse to treat us, despite most of us simply being traumatized and in pain. DBT therapy? You mean the victim blaming, human dog training, designed to discount a borderlines trauma and gaslight themselves into “behaving” properly-as to not disturb the peace. Woof woof, I’m good on that thanks. Well how about inpatient? The place where they shoot you up with sedatives, or stand over you and scream at you for crying, until they think you aren’t a danger to yourself anymore and throw you back in the world with no real plan or actual help. I’m good on that too…I like to poop on my own thanks.

If there’s anything I’ve found, it’s that there is no one answer, no real treatment, other than staying alive for something. For me, I guess that something is fear. I’m scared of what comes next, but sometimes I’m left to wonder if it’s possible for it to be worse than here. But than again, it can always get worse. Maybe it’s guilt? I’ve found it easy to ease my guilt about leaving when I think of how much my life lacks any substantial love or affection, aside from my mum (bless her poor heart) she’s all I’ve got, all I’ve ever had. And that’s too much to put on one person. IM too much to put on one person.

So that is why I feel like I’m already a ghost, I’m already dead, because honestly, I might as well be. And I don’t think it’s fair to guilt people like me into staying somewhere we aren’t wanted. But then again some other part of me deep inside, thinks I do deserve to live, and maybe just maybe, it’ll get better. That part of me doesn’t want to be so doleful and bitter. But I’m afraid that part of me is nieve and I’ll out grow it eventually. I’m afraid of what will happen when I finally do.

[gardenofshadcws]

Dracula Daily Day 86

IT’S THE BIG ONE 

Dr. Seward’s Diary

Renfield nooooo I’m so upset

Dracula how dare you beat my boy like this I’m in PAIN

AND NOW YOU GO AND BLAME HIM FOR THIS?  LIKE HE DID IT TO HIMSELF???

Dr. Abe this is so not an accident what are you talking about

Arthur and Quincey heard the plot needed them and who are they to refuse?

Can we save his life because he’s a human and a good bean and not just because he has information?  Like please?

HE’S ALIVE!!!  

“What’s wrong with my face?” I’m DISTRAUGHT

DON’T DIE

“I must go back to death - or worse” DRACULA HOW COULD YOU

The way Renfield capitalizes He like Dracula is a god, or on a level with God is so telling without saying much at all

Ugh this poor thing has been a victim this entire time.  And Jack just looks at him like a science experiment.

“I don’t care for the pale people” AAAHH MINA

Everything hurts and I’m dying

He tried to SAVE her BABY RENFIELD AAGHGH.

Oh cool we’ve gotten what we wanted so we’re just ditching im I guess.

Quincey I love you but I think saving her from becoming a vampire is more important than silly Victorian propriety

DRACULA GET AWAY FROM HERRRR.

It’s truly disgusting how many adaptations saw this scene with Dracula drinking from Mina and decided “romantic?  Sexy?  Soulmates???”

BUT THE SUITOR SQUAD GOT THIS FUCK OUTTA HERE

Noooo Mina ;~;

This part is destroying me

Jonathan seeing his wife distress and immediately going “I’m going to kill the fucker” is glorious

Mina and Jonathan are relationship goals

“I much touch him or kiss him no more”  “aww hell no” Jonathan is the most ride or die ever.  Given the choice between Mina or God and he chooses Mina I LOVE this sweet boy

NOOO THE RECORDS.  But it’s okay, Mina’s the best and saved everything

RENFIEEEEELDDDDD 

PTERODACTYL SCREECH

BABYYYY NOOOOO

Quincey and his bats, man.

I’m so upset

The story of Dracula slipping in to attack Mina is just as horrifying the second time around

“A little refreshment” ewww

“What have I done to deserve such a fate” NOTHING MINA YOU’RE PERFECT AND WE’RE PRIVILEGED TO HAVE YOU HERE

And there goes Jonathan’s hair

Jonathan Harker’s Journal

Jonathan stressing makes me stressed

God’s not helping you, your friends are helping you

RENFIEEEEEELLLLLLLD

He tried to save Mina and this is what he gets 

This attendant sucks at his job and now my SWEET BOY IS DEAD.

Nothing should have been kept from Mina in the first place dammit

“I shall die!” MINAAAA.

Van Helsing’s right for once, that’s not actually going to help anything. 

Yes, lockpicking, much better than breaking in.

At least Mina doesn’t have fangs yet, that’s a good sign

Way to go Van Helsing, you made Mina cry again.

And then you burned her head.  You’re handling this extremely poorly, man.

Poor Mina :(  Girl just wants to live her life

“She shall not go into that unknown and terrible land alone” AWWWW.  JONATHAN YOU ARE THE SWEETEST.

This is so romantic it’s melting my black dead heart

“I have written this in the train” Just like the beginning of the book, that’s a beautiful callback.

“The place smells so vilely” perhaps that’s because you just lit a cigar, Art (yes, I know it’s Vamp Stink)

Dr. Seward’s Diary

It always seems like a long wait when we’re waiting for Arthur and Quincey.

Jonathan babyyyy

Yeah, Jack, you’ve got nothing on Jonathan I’m sorry

So, if Dracula was a scholar, are we… condemning the seeking of knowledge over faith?  Is that what’s happening here?

The zoophagous patient had a NAME, dammit

Jonathan is out for BLOOD.  And not in the vampire way

There’s Dracula, it’s battle time!

Jonathan where the HELL did you get a kukri

Damn.  SO close.

All this and Mina’s still trying to put on a brave face

Can we stop talking about Mina’s purity because that’s giving off some really icky Madonna-whore stuff

These two love each other so freaking much

Stoker’s letting his boys cry again you love to see it

I am also in tears by the way if you even care

Jonathan Harker’s Journal

I too thought today would never end

“My poor wronged darling” awww

It’s okay, guys, Quincey’s here to protect you :’) 

[katyspersonal]

I am feeling so ill. My mental pain keeps translating into physical one, like something that keeps poisoning me from within, and it can last from very morning to very evening at times. I wish I stopped being reminded of the backstabbing, of how much that person has been lying to us, and how she threw away her empathy and common sense in an instant, as soon as she got enticed with the prospect to feel like a """victim""". When everything was explained and even forgiven prior.

For a Christian, she sure is a terrible one, and really should pray to her God for forgiveness. Because that's sin of vanity if I've seen one. Her sorry pro-lifer ass that can't even use they/them pronouns because it is "not correct in English" and has been following Mico herself before he deactivated must be satisfied with people around with whom she has to censor her true opinions, I suppose? She had all context, she had explanation and apology, she faked having accepted that apology too, lied about not really caring about the "drama", faked patience and lied about always welcoming me back - only to latch at the first chance to backstab me and my friends she got. And the way she conveniently ignored how I took my words back, too.. I don't know what is WRONG with people who think that when a person that has been stalked and harassed for a year lashes out upon feeling threatened - they've shown their """true face""". Nobody is more alien to normal human emotions and reactions than Americans. I guess for them you are either physically incapable of anger, fear and fucking up OR you are a vile dangerous monster.

But the real question - what did she want to ACCOMPLISH? She didn't really feel like a star and gain sympathy like a victim of the """horrible mistreatment""" that me lashing out when she defended my STALKER was - that I also TOOK BACK. From my knowledge, she kept herself anonymous. And of course instantly blocked me, because like a coward she could not answer for her lies. She also lost other friends too - one HATES liars and hypocrites more than anything, another has similar emotional problems to mine so no longer feels safe, third straight up was harassed by that person as well.. "They are still lovely people" she says. And I am not a "lovely" person, of course. Because "lovely" people just smile and shrug off being stalked, harassed and talked untrue shit about for a year, I suppose? Because "lovely" people don't become clingy for someone defending them so loud and proud?

My only theory is that she just secretly harbored hatred towards me all along but was forcing the facade of patience and understanding, until one day finally came what looked like a good justification to drop it. But then why sending me all that emotional support when I fell for suicidal road back in spring? Why write at least two essays to Alfred-chan about her right to interact with me and about how I deserved kindness and compassion? Why acting flattered when I said I loved her (platonically) when in reality she was creeped out? Why bothering to explain me how she did not blame me and always would welcome me back in the blog? Following me for a decent time and all that interacting. Was feeling like a poor victim that fell under attack of the "monster" for like 5 minutes without even revealing her name to the world and losing more likeminded people worth it? Was it worth it? How? How mad you should be at someone for getting attached more than """acceptable""" and for lashing out before learning why you'd defend someone that harassed us, that you'd resort to backstabbing and break all your prior promises? She even told me stuff like "ratting someone out is very condemned in my culture and I'd never do that". Then what DID she do, when she showed the moment of weakness I had 40 days ago, to a deranged ableist that has been condoning harassment and canceling for hell knows how long and she could tell wished me harm?

I want to ask whether it was worth it, but clearly she didn't lose anything of value. One of those "but internet connections are not REAL uwu" people.

I so badly want to say that this is my fault for trusting someone who is not only American but also a Christian, double combination of hypocrite and all you know. Because I just want to find a reason. I want to know WHY, even if the answer is something as shallow as nationality and religion. But this is just not fair to people who are one or both of these things but have common sense to not lie and not be cut throats. I guess the real reason is that some people are just too easily enticed with the chance to feel like the "good" guys, to mark category of people that do not deserve any empathy, human bonds and understanding because they are "evil and dangerous". It is just easier. You feel justified to mistreat a certain category of people because they are "bad" - all while the criteria for why they're "bad" is growing progressively absurd. But this coming from a person that preached kindness and acceptance. Yet she sided with the people that punish me FOR having shown that kindness and acceptance to someone else, and never intend to stop. Why following Mico yourself, then?

I have no skill of forgiving people that do not feel remorse, I am not that kind of a person. It just hurts until I forget or find another thing to worry about. I don't know where to turn to, what superior power to pray to for faster healing from this, because betrayal like this is the worst thing you can do to me. It is fine to refuse to forgive someone's mental breakdown, but why not tell me off in private? Why run under the skirt of the person with bad faith that only supports neurodivergence in the form of being quirky about one's special interests and not for what problems it really brings? Does she really think it is victim's fault when they develop bad trust and abandonment issues upon a creepy stalker trying to ruin their life? The cunt would've doxxed me if they could only over the fact that I said I was gonna reblog from who I want - again, something she herself kept getting harassed over. So was that okay, then? She never meant her words, then, and only flexed her "I interact with who I want" for weird flex of herself as a hero, and not for our friends group?

Well, yes. It has to be that. Until she saw an opportunity to switch sides and find a more compelling "enemy" to stand against. The final punch in the gut is that she assumes my friends are okay with the betrayal either, just goes around as though nothing happened, as though having betrayed someone and still writing them down as vile and unremorceful even after they apologised to her two times was nothing. Yeah, why? If a person failed to meet her personal mark of forgiving, tolerating and shrugging off harassment - then they deserve to be backstabbing and thrown to those cultish ableists. That's her logic.

And I just want to vent all this in a sorry effort to remind myself: "See, she is so petty and callous that she doesn't deserve crying and hurting over! People like that are below you, Kat, just forget it and move on!" But in the end, I just can't stop asking myself why. She did not feel like that type of a person. My other mutual also said it was not expected, since she had that 'wise', thoughtful exterior all along and acted as though she was trustworthy. At this rate I was right in my accusation of her being brainwashed, I guess... The only thing I was wrong is the TIME when it happens.