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jazy3 · 3 years

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Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X15

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Wow! A lot happened in this episode. It was billed as Jackson’s goodbye episode, but it turned out to be so much more than that. Meredith got discharged and was reunited with her kids, Tom decided to move to Boston to work for Jackson, and we got the show’s first Indigenous doctor and patient storyline! I honestly think Jackson’s farewell was really well done! While it’s true he could do the work he wants to do just as easily from Seattle everything else about his exit makes sense to me. He’s tired of sitting on the sidelines and he wants to make real change where he can.

I loved his conversation with Meredith and how he was the one to sneak her out. I loved Meredith's voice over for this episode and how it followed Jackson's actions and the flashback montage set to music. I thought it was fitting. I would have liked him to have said goodbye to Ben because they were the Plastics Posse until he left to become a firefighter but apart from that I was happy with it. The character has come such a long way during his run on the show and I feel like this episode reflected that.

The editing was really well done too. Especially the shot of him overlooking the lobby. That transition was seamless. I loved his goodbye scene with Meredith. It made me so emotional. I love that Meredith tried to lighten the mood by making a joke about how she won because she's the last one standing. That scene when she hugged the pillow after he left because she misses him and everyone else really got me. I also really liked the conversation he had with Bailey and Richard.

I'm glad he said a proper goodbye to Jo although I didn't find it super emotional. In addition to Ben, I would also like to have seen a goodbye with Maggie. I'm surprised they didn't do that. Maggie was so focused on Meredith's recovery that it's not clear if she even knows that Jackson is moving to Boston. They also could have done a big emotional scene with Catherine. On a lighter note, I am so happy that Meredith is doing better for real this time and has been discharged! I've been waiting for this since the mid-season point.

I loved the scene where she was reunited with her kids and Amelia was panicking about the state of the house and Meredith told her it was fine and that was just how she liked it. Meredith getting Jackson to sneak her out of the hospital felt very in character to me. As her voice over says Meredith isn't one for tradition or big hullabaloos which is why I think the others tried to keep it a secret. I'm not surprised that she ducked out early. While I get why the other characters wanted to do a big send off for her, I feel like they should know by now that's not her style.

I loved the scene where Amelia and Link found out Meredith might be coming home, and they hugged and then Link said he had to go to work and Amelia started crying and then asked why he was still there. Link was so confused and then Amelia told him she’d be crying off and on like that all day to get her emotions out and that she’d be fine and he needed to go to work. That is so Amelia! But in a good way. Post-tumour and with her addiction under control even in a pandemic Amelia is now able to express her emotions in a healthy way so she doesn’t relapse or spin out of control. That is such huge growth for her. I loved the scene at the end with her and Meredith.

The smile that they share. The look between them. You could see early seasons Private Practice Amelia in that look but also mature and stable new Amelia. I loved that Amelia was all worried about the state of the house and Meredith was fine with it being a mess because as a working Mom she knows what it’s like and all she wanted was to be at home with her kids in her messy house.

At the end of the episode we find out that Tom’s near death experience with COVID has caused him to re-evaluate his life. He feels lucky to have lived to have been spared and he wants to help Jackson make real change in Boston. On the one hand I was surprised by Tom’s exit, but on the other hand I wasn’t. I love Tom and will truly miss his character, but ever since the affair came out and he and Teddy split and she started working on trying to repair her relationship with Owen, Tom hasn't had a lot to do.

I'm sad they didn't do more with him because he's such a great and complex character and I know some people had speculated they might pair him up with Mama Ortiz which could have been interesting. I'm sad we didn't get to see him say goodbye to Amelia, Link, Teddy, Catherine, or Meredith. Tom and Amelia are old friends, he trained her, he took out her brain tumour, and she rushed to the hospital when she heard he had been admitted for COVID-19.

Tom and Link seemed to be getting along as of late and Tom was ready to be a father to Teddy's baby before she got back together with Owen. He found her the perfect apartment and he built a crib for a child that wasn’t biologically his that he was so excited to meet and be a Dad to. All this after his own son died and his marriage collapsed as a result. He treated her like gold and she’s done nothing but treat him horribly for no reason. I don't think I’ll ever forgive Teddy for that.

Catherine and Tom are also old friends that go back even farther. She appointed him as Chief Medical Officer of the Fox Foundation. She told him about DeLuca’s death and took him to the Memorial. When Richard was sick, she told him she wanted him to take over the Foundation in her absence. Tom and Meredith had such an emotional scene earlier this season and he's been praying for her every day. Does she know that? Does Meredith know that Tom has been praying for her and worrying about her? I was expecting a follow up scene to that, so I hope we get one.

I found the patient storyline that Tom, Levi, and Indigenous intern James Chee had really moving. Grey's has never had an Indigenous patient or doctor on the show before and while the dialogue did feel heavy handed at times, they brought some really important issues to light and were trying to make up for lost time so that’s understandable.

Robert I. Mesa who plays Dr. Chee is Navajo Soboba and the patients that they treat at Coast Salish whose traditional territory encompasses the province of British Columbia, Canada and the states of Washington and Oregon in the United States. It’s really great to see an Indigenous actor bring stories about Indigenous characters to life in a realistic way for the same reason that it’s important to see black, brown, Asian, latinx, and LGBTQ+ actors bring stories about characters like themselves to life. It brings authenticity and ensures sure that white straight cisgender people aren’t taking roles away from people within those communities.

When I found out through Twitter that the show had cast its first Indigenous doctor, I was very excited. I work for an Indigenous organization currently and so Indigenous representation is an issue that is very near and dear to my heart. The first thing that came to mind for me was the Coast Salish artwork you see in the background of so many scenes of the show. From the show’s earliest seasons, you can see beautiful art pieces in red, blue, and black depicting fish, birds, and other animals on the walls of the hospital and in people’s offices.

Yet it is never addressed or mentioned that that is Coast Salish artwork. In order for it to be there someone from the art department must have travelled to Seattle to buy some local artwork to put up around the hospital. While that’s great for making the hospital look authentic to the area by not mentioning its origins or the fact that Indigenous people exist for 16 seasons does all Indigenous people a disservice. Indigenous people are not stereotypes or tokens or simply makers of pretty pictures.

Every group has their own culture, artwork, language, and traditions. I’m glad that Grey’s Anatomy is finally acknowledging the existence of Indigenous Americans and the fact that Indigenous people exist and continue to exist despite repeated ruthless attempts to murder and assimilate them. This is a huge problem in the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and other nations. While in the last few years Indigenous issues have gotten greater coverage in Canadian media there isn’t as much media coverage of Indigenous issues in the United States.

I love that Tom and Levi treated both the pregnant woman and her grandfather with respect and dignity and didn't dismiss their concerns or mock their traditions. I love that Tom actually had some knowledge of smudging ceremonies and that he referred to Dr. Chee respectfully when needed and allowed him to perform a smudging ceremony for the grandfather. When the pregnant patient’s husband thanks them and says that in the past they haven’t had great experiences in big hospitals that is unfortunately a sad reality for many.

Like other people of people and other marginalized and oppressed groups the concerns of Indigenous patients are often not taken seriously, and they often encounter racism that leads to poorer treatment and death. When the pregnant patient talks about how their centres are under resourced and that they were sent body bags instead of medical supplies that is a real thing. The Trump Administration actually did that in the States and the Harper Government here in Canada did that during the H1N1 Epidemic.

Thankfully, here in Canada the COVID-19 Pandemic response of the Trudeau Government has been worlds better. No sending of body bags and instead medical supplies and lots of relief money has been given to Indigenous organizations like mine to help real people. Indigenous Canadians have also been given priority status for vaccinations and as a result people are alive today that would have died previously. Now that’s not to say things are perfect here. There are still so many issues that need to be addressed including police violence, discrimination within the justice system, and the rate of missing and murdered Indigenous women. But at least some progress is being made.

The fact that they wrote Tom off reminded of an old adage about Grey’s Anatomy that I heard someone talking about at the start of this season which is that if there isn’t anyone significant for a character to date and you’re not an original character your days on the show are numbered. The fact that they wrote Tom off after putting Teddy and Owen back together makes me even more sure that Meredith and Hayes are going to end up together and that their relationship will be a key plot point of Season 18.

If that wasn’t the plan, I don’t think Hayes would still be there. There have been episodes this season where he has been very prominent, episodes where he’s been completely absent, and episodes like this one where he has a few short scenes. He wouldn’t still be there hanging around in the background if the plan wasn’t to set him up with Meredith. To me the only explanation that makes sense is that they are going to put Meredith and Hayes together hopefully before Season 17 ends.

Side note, I bet all of the actors who passed on being Meredith’s love interest or backed out for a movie or tv role on a newer show probably feel real dumb right now. Grey’s is about to go into its 18th season and Richard Flood who plays Hayes is getting paid mad bank whether he’s prominently in the episode or not! Plus, he slays that role. While the path they took to get here was bumpy I’m so glad that we got Hayes as a character and we’ve gotten to see his relationship with Meredith develop.

I would have loved to see more of Hayes this episode. I was expecting a scene in which he visited Meredith and I was a bit disappointed we didn’t get that. I get that the focus of the episode was on Jackson’s departure, Meredith being discharged, and Tom’s epiphany, but it would have been nice to see that. The scenes we did get were great! I love his dry sense of humour and his comments about Jo’s terrible handwriting.

My favourite moment of the episode was hands down when Hayes came to clap out Meredith with everyone else and then Perez came out and they realized that she had snuck out early and Hayes laughed and said, "Nice one Grey, Brillant!" And then he wished everyone a good night and headed out. If Meredith isn't there, he's out. He’s not even trying to hide his feelings for Meredith anymore. It’s an open secret that he likes her and is clearly smitten. Hell, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if the janitors have a group chat about it.

I love that he laughed about it like it was some big cosmic joke they were both in on. He knows her so well. Everyone else was confused and her sisters were worried when they didn’t hear from her, but Hayes wasn’t worried because he knew she’d snuck out the back and that someone must have helped her. Speaking of romance, I’m guessing that next season they will bring in a new Head of Plastic Surgery for Jo to date. I feel like they will have more luck finding someone than they did when they tried to hire a new love interest for Meredith over the last few years because right now work is scarce.

Also, in the romance department Teddy and Owen are back together. I'm happy for them, but other than that I don't really have any strong feelings about it. I am happy that they seem to be good and that the fighting and long-drawn-out drama is over. I've never been a ride or die Teddy and Owen shipper, so I don't feel an emotional rush seeing them back together. I loved Tom and Teddy together so I'm sorry that ended especially since Teddy and Owen have always been such a mess.

I think that they should have spent less time fighting and more time rebuilding their friendship before getting back together. We spent the first half of the season watching them fight non-stop and Owen made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Teddy ever again. Teddy treated Tom like crap while trying to win Owen back who clearly didn’t want her. While I’m glad they have reconciled, and the drama appears to be over I wish they had spent less time on the fighting and more time on exploring Teddy’s trauma and having them rebuild their friendship if that was the route they were going to go.

We also get more details about Maggie and Winston’s wedding this episode. I posited on Twitter a few days ago that I thought Maggie might ask both her dads Bill and Richard to walk her down the aisle as she'd want to include both of them in the ceremony. I think having Bill walk her down the aisle and Richard officiate is lovely. It reminds me of when Bailey stepped up to officiate Callie and Arizona's wedding.

I’d like to see more interactions between Meredith and Winston and Meredith and Link in the future as both men have become a part of the family largely while Meredith was sick so it would be great to see them get to know each other and bond. I really loved the scene between Winston, Link, and Owen where Winston was trying to figure out if Teddy and Owen were back together and Winston and Owen were teasing Link about the Sister House. It’s nice to see them all bond. It would be even better if they would all have more scenes with Hayes and for them to bond as well. I hope to see more of that next season.

I get why Link wants to get out of the Sister House, but I think he was a bit unrealistic about the situation. Meredith just got discharged. Amelia and Maggie aren’t going to want to leave her side until she tells them she’s ready and it’s okay for them to go and take a step back. I foresee them going with a hybrid approach next season where Maggie and Winston move to his place following the wedding and Link, Amelia, and Scout move to Link's place, but they still spend time at Meredith's house frequently. I imagine after being away from her kids for so long at some point Meredith is going to want her house back and to spend time alone with her kids.

I'm interested to see Meredith talk about her time on the beach in the upcoming episodes. Richard and Bailey were struggling to figure out how to tell her about DeLuca’s death but we the audience knew that Meredith already knew he had died. When she coded previously, and Ellis Grey passed away the first words out of her mouth were about her mother being dead. But here we see something different. When Meredith wakes up this season the first words out of her mouth are about how much she and Derek love Zola. She uses the word ‘we’ so the audience knows what she’s talking about, but the characters don’t.

It appears that at least a week has passed since the previous episode possibly two and we learn that Meredith hasn’t brought up her time on the beach or her visits from the dead to anyone. I think that she’s keeping that to herself for a few reasons. She didn’t want to leave the beach and telling that to the people who just spend the past three months trying desperately to save her life would probably come across as suicidal and upsetting. The conversations between her and Derek were personal and private, and she may not be ready to share them just yet.

Her conversations with George, Lexie, and Mark were also pretty personal so she might not be ready to talk about that either. In this episode we see her tell Bailey and Richard that DeLuca is okay because he’s with his mother. The scene cuts away, so we don’t know what else she tells them. Hopefully we’ll find out next week. My guess is that the first person she’ll talk to about the beach in the following episodes will be Hayes because he will understand her desire to stay because of how he lost his wife.

He won’t see her desire to stay on the beach as suicidal or crazy because he would probably think about doing the same thing if given the opportunity. We saw Meredith be really vulnerable with Hayes when she first got sick about her fears of dying and falling asleep. They’ve talked at length about their spouses and their past relationships in a way she hasn’t with other characters. I feel like he is the perfect person to talk to about what happened on the beach because he won’t judge Meredith or take her desire to stay personally.

They’ve already established that Hayes is a supportive and understanding person who is happy to sit there and listen to Meredith talk about her experience of dating after death and past relationships and so I think he’s someone Meredith can open to about what it was like to see Derek again, what it was like to realize her ex-boyfriend was dying, what is what like to get closure with George, and gain wisdom from Lexie and Mark. I’m hoping that will happen in next week’s episode and if not in the finale.

We saw Helm having a tough time this episode. I think Helm moving in with Levi and Jo is a good idea. I think it will give Helm the support she needs and I'm glad Levi is there for her. We haven't seen Jo and Helm interact much so far, so I'm interested to see how Jo is going to feel about her moving in. Also, where is Helm going to sleep? Jo and Levi live in a one room loft where Jo sleeps in a large bed and Levi sleeps on the couch. I would have liked to have seen more scenes along the way building up to this as Levi and Helm haven't had a scene all season and now right at the end you see him trying to help her. I also really miss Parker as a character. I wish they brought him back as well as Helm.

Something I didn’t like was that they seem to be focusing on DeLuca, his death, and his absence more than they should. I get that the writers and people behind the scenes liked the actor who played him, but the character himself was pretty widely detested by the other characters for seasons 15 and 16 so having them talk about him like he was such a great guy that everyone was super close to and that they all miss feels hollow to me and kind of annoying.

DeLuca and Meredith were not that close. They weren’t friends and rarely had a scene together prior to Season 15. They stopped talking entirely after he broke up with her in Season 16 and they weren’t friends when he died. So, talking about how he would have been so happy for her and one of the first people to cheer her on is strange. Also, I felt like Jo’s comments to Carina were out of place. I get that when someone dies its customary to say nice things about them to their family and Carina is mentoring Jo and she’s grateful for that, but DeLuca was god awful to her.

They become really good friends after Alex attacked him but then they stopped being friends when she got back together with Alex. They stopped having scenes together after that until he took an interest in Meredith at which time Jo and Alex both made it abundantly clear to his face and behind his back that they disliked him, and they hated the idea of him and Meredith together. All he did was antagonize both of them during seasons 15 and 16 for absolutely no reason and then after Alex left DeLuca walked up to Jo at the Emerald City Bar touched her without her consent and attempted to kiss her and get her to sleep with him to the point that she wound up throwing a drink in his face to get him to leave her alone.

He then told the bartender she was crazy after she told him to get some help. That’s sexual assault and attempted rape and DeLuca should have gone to jail for what he did. Instead we never see it addressed, he never apologizes, and they don’t share a single together after that. My hope is that they will finally moving on from talking about DeLuca and his absence next season. It’s getting a bit ridiculous at this point and it’s time to move on.

Onto next week’s promo! We don’t get a lot of information from this one. We see Bailey talking about how she’s losing surgeons left, right, and centre and she can’t afford to lose anymore and Meredith talking about how she can’t operate if she can’t stand on her feet. She’s worried she might never get back to operating, but this is Grey’s Anatomy so we know she will. Link talks to Amelia about wanting more children which considering that Scout is only a few months old and they couldn’t wait to get out of the house full of children just last week is a terrible idea. Link finally calls Jo on the fact that she clearly wants to adopt Luna who promptly codes! Yikes!

Until next time!

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faelapis · 4 years

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idk anyone who thinks Steven should stay in Beach City forever, but from what I've seen, the main criticism about Steven leaving isn't that he's leaving at all, but that he's leaving too soon (in both that he's only 16 and that it's only been a few months), especially in light of modern American expectations to move out as soon as you're of age. Why does the show make him ready to go so soon when they could've showed his progress in smaller steps with a more gradual, more realistic transition?

well first of all, SU Future seemed to basically take place over the course of a year, and with the added months of the IAMM-Future skip, it seems pretty likely steven is 17 going on 18 now.

second of all, i feel this is the “subtle” bit people forget, the entire epilogue was him trying to find a place for himself in beach city. he tried for 19 episodes. he tried to give himself hobbies to occupy him, he tried to keep going what he’s always done at little homeworld and for the straggler gems who haven’t accepted change yet, he tried to go to homeworld to be with the diamonds in the hope they could “fix” him so he wouldn’t be a danger to himself and others anymore. that, too, was with an eye towards things going back to how they used to be.

third of all, steven is not, like i said, healed yet. he’s just reached a point where he’s ready to face that, talk about things, and do things because he wants to do them, not because it’s what everyone wants him to do. pretty much everything about the last episode communicates that the gems have been trying to do everything to put him first, up to and including what steven always did - put their feelings aside, because they don’t want that to be what controls his actions.

fourth of all, because he’s not healed yet, it’s steven admitting that he doesn’t think he can heal and grow where he is. he’s on a path of recovery, but he will never be happy or truly figure himself out if he makes himself stay here, in this place that’s represented his role to society. he’ll always be tempted to try to be that good little helper boy again.

again, i think it’s really... weird, that people acted like steven was fully healed in the last episode. which part of “steven is still doing every stereotypical recovery thing, has just gotten a therapist, and everyone walks on eggshells around him” communicated that he’s happy and mentally content now?

to me, it looked like he’d spent those months doing the most elementary recovery things (working out, maintaining routines, socializing and being told he matters and is loved) to prepare for more intensive recovery, like leaving the place where he keeps relapsing into this unhealthy hero role, figuring his way out of his existential crisis, and having a proper therapist for that.

the key thing to remember is that corruption wasn’t the only time steven was mentally ill. corruption was a panic attack, self hatred based on thinking everyone must hate him now. it was the end product of his struggle - thinking he’s a monster. you can still struggle without shifting into a wyrm. i don’t think anyone would argue that he’s not struggling mentally in, say, fragments. so idk why they argue it for future.

fifth of all, the song is “being human”... but steven is not just a human. at the very least, he doesn’t have to go on the conventional human path. part of the reason western society have that 18+ rule - which imo is questionable, in that it may often trap children in unhealthy situations, with parents having too much legal power over them - is so they’re prepared for a very specific future: going to college. that’s not what steven is doing, at least not yet.

he’s just removing himself from an environment where, while the people around him try to help, HE can still end up relapsing. HE ends up aching for the old status quo, even when the others have moved past it. and almost everyone there represents some kind of baggage for him. steven can see everyone on his terms, not because he has to. again, it’s really about him having agency, not about being perfectly healed.

it’s also not this grand statement that he will never see them again. it’s just... taking time away from it all, maybe becoming someone new, with everyone else supporting him in that.

#steven universe #su spoilers #su future #su theory #gif /#steven

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newhologram · 3 years

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This Health Update™ is dedicated to Keith, a grown man who for several years now has accused me of faking my illnesses in order to *check notes* "doc shop for drugs and make money on YouTube." Thanks for reminding me why it's important for me to tell my story, silly ass. 😉

4.1.21 I haven't had a follow-up yet but I did get biopsy results, so I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what caused my official Worst Flare-Up Ever. Good news: the biopsies came back fine. Nothing scary, just confirmation that this was not only an ulcerative colitis relapse, but an acute gastritis and esophagitis flare too. Inflammatory bowel disease is cute. Endoscopy showed lots of inflammation in my stomach/esophagus, but thankfully no ulcers or perforations. But, surprise! I have a hiatal hernia (pic 6 in the scope slide), which I'd actually been suspecting for years. This is when a portion of the stomach pushes up past the diaphragm (eew!). This explains a lot of my other symptoms over the years. Luckily it's not huge or dangerous. Still painful and a hassle but nothing I need surgery for. It's probably there as a result of all of the years I've spent vomiting from these diseases. 🤷

Below this cut is my endoscopy pics, a timeline, and more thoughts

I'm sharing this timeline in order to show just how quickly things can spiral out of control for someone with chronic illness, no matter how stable or "healthy" they may seem:

3.15: Period starts. Literal worst of my life*. My cramps are only eased by ibuprofen (worst thing for IBD), but I ONLY take it during my period, so I usually avoid anything terrible happening. But this time I had to take way more than usual because of how bad it was, and periods already cause "mini" colitis relapses because of the wacky hormones. *The CT scan later revealed an ovarian cyst on my right side, with them also noting that my right kidney tubes are kind of prominent. This may explain my rough periods and also why I've been having so many bladder/kidney issues the past few years.

3.17: Miserable, exhausted from period + colitis, I treated myself to some ramen. It didn't seem too spicy for me (and I dilute my ramen with coconut milk) but I had an instant reaction that was very out of character.

3.18: The bad flare started at 1am and from then until 10pm I had 40+ painful, bloody BM's. I knew something wasn't right. I was getting up every 20 minutes and shaking so hard from the pain. I went to the ER.

3.19: Since the docs and I thought it was just the colitis, I was prescribed steroids. I don't normally take them because I don't like how they make me feel, but since this attack was so dramatic I tried to be a good hologram and take my medicine. I should have listened to my gut (lol) and insisted on further investigation before taking anything, because--

3.19-3.28: I took the steroids every day, which instantly calmed my colon, but only made the inflammation in my stomach way. Way. Worse. Basically fried off the protective lining. Imagine you scraped your whole leg against asphalt and then kept pouring acid on it for ten days straight.

3.28: After suffering all those days and barely able to eat without intense pain and bloating, I knew something else was up and didn't want to keep waiting for my GI referral. I went back to the ER and was admitted until the evening of 3.30. The pain was so bad they were giving me morphine every 4 hours at one point. When they heard that I was on steroids with my stomach in that condition they were like OH NO.

I've only been home a day and a half. I'm weak and tired and the pain of my poor screaming stomach is still the worst I've ever experienced in my life. I have all kinds of often debilitating chronic pain that I deal with daily from fibromyalgia, myalgic encephalomyelitis, narcolepsy, osteoarthritis, atlas subluxation/spinal pain, colitis, etc. But this takes the cake. Even with the pills they sent me home with, I'm still in too much discomfort to get much sleep. It feels like my stomach is a hard bloated rock inside of me and I can almost feel it shivering in pain. There is no comfortable position to be in, food is still very painful and the bile is excessive, like a FOUNTAIN coming up my damn throat.

I have no idea what this recovery is going to look like, especially if I'm still in this much pain and barely eating. I'm doing everything I can to support healing right now, including a very minimal mostly liquid diet (probiotics!), gut-soothing supplements, and letting myself off the hook with my content creation and projects (well I do a little bit of editing when I can >.>). Just hoping that as my stomach calms down and the lining rebuilds, I'll be able to eat and sleep normally, which will then make healing faster.

I've officially never been sicker in my life than I am right now. Always things to learn with chronic illnesses, even when I thought I was a veteran. The past year made it hard to make healthy choices 100% of the time. A lot of comfort food that wasn't good for me. I always backed off and went back to my IBD-friendly eating habits, but stress and the need to self-soothe made it harder to keep up. I was already having bloating issues before this flare, so it was all just waiting to snowball into this. I'm taking this as a chance to not only reset my gut but to reset my relationship with food and my rituals around food. I wasn't horribly unhealthy about food before, you guys have seen all my rice porridge and veggies, but I definitely had more "cheat days" than I should have in 2020.

I just... miss... food. So much. My routines are such a big part of my daily and weekly schedule. And now without mealtimes accompanying certain activities like clockwork, I feel a bit lost. I find myself so bored and realizing I would normally be enjoying one of my favorite snacks at that time of the day.

I still have some tests I want to do with my GI when I finally see them, so there is a possibility of there being more to the story (usually is with chronic illness). But for now, I have a plan. Just gotta try my best and REST.

Thanks for the messages, holograms! My healing is supported by your love. Please learn from my story and take care of yourselves too. Start sipping on miso soup daily. No, seriously. Gut magic.

#inflammatory bowel disease #ulcerative colitis #colitis #gastritis #chronic illness #spoonie #persona #teku #seruka

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fatwheeliebabe · 3 years

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TW SH, disabled grief, dissociation, lack of proper medical care, agoraphobia, medical trauma

This one is going to be a bit of a ramble, as always tw in the title and in the tags. I don’t think we talk enough about how hard it really is to be multiply disabled, and have it be your full time job, and still be expected to live an average, functional, every day life. The reality is never that easy. As a medically complex individual, who also lives with severe mental illness, my entire life is spent dedicating time actively to making sure I am doing as best as I possibly can be at any given moment. Friends, I am not doing the best I can be at any given moment. I have not been able to access regular medical care for two years now because of the pandemic. I haven’t seen any of my specialists except through video visits. I’ve had blood work done exactly once. My body is always a shambling house with a cracking foundation. There is never a moment I am not in complete agonizing pain. The thing about this level of pain is that it becomes boring. It becomes boring to have to limit my activities, and to have to keep myself together, and to have to just keep on keeping on. So I do what I’ve always done best when things get too overwhelming, and I dissociate. This has lead to a relapse of my self-harm. I am overwhelmingly saddened by the fact that my mental health has deteriorated so badly. I am mourning the loss of all of the hard work I’ve spent the past 18 years doing. I know that it’s not invalidated, intellectually. I know that I’m not where I was 18 years ago. But where I am is not good. I can hardly leave my house, even when it’s necessary, because I’ve dived back into my agoraphobia. I’m working on this as well as I can. My psychiatrist has me on a medication that actively makes me worse every time I’m on it longer than 6 months. It’s been about 9 at this point, and every day I have a literal hysterical breakdown where I am crying and laughing all at once because emotions are just so goddamned overwhelming that I can’t handle them or process them any other way. He knows that this medication does this to me, and yet he still prescribes it cyclically. The antidepressant is killing all of my good feel brain chemicals, which leads to dissociation, which leads to self-harm. It seems like every road lately is leading back to self-harm. No, I am not at risk of unaliving myself, I have no desire to do so. I just am back to compulsively doing this, as if it’s a ritual that’s going to alleviate all of the other things I’m feeling when all it really does is make me feel guilty. The intersection of medical complexity, and mental illness is one that is largely ignored in disability activism. It seems that you have to be either one,or the other, or you have to focus your entire being on only one of the parts of you when they are actually a multi-headed beast who regenerates every time you feel like you’ve killed off one of the heads. Living with the constant struggle of battling a Hydra because that’s the only option you really have. People tell me they don’t know how I do it, that they wouldn’t be able to keep up with all of the things I keep up with. Every time they say that I reply with the exact same answer: I don’t have a choice. This is the life I have, this is the body I have, and I have to accept it as it is and treat it as kindly as I can because when I ignore it, it will make me take care of it. I don’t have the luxury of just not taking care of myself for even one day, because if I skip one day of my maintenance routine, I’ll be bedridden for a week. I wish so badly that I could make people better understand what it’s like to feel like you’re constantly being dragged under while simultaneously trying to pull your own self out of the Swamp Of Sadness, as if you are both Artax and Atreyu at the same time

#sh tw #dissociation tw #agoraphobia #medical abuse #disabled

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stellaluna33 · 4 years

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The Phone Call

A preview of what’s coming next in my Gilmore fic The Long And Winding Road, as a phone conversation between Jess and Luke. (You now know more than Rory will in the next chapter... No one knows this except Jess and Luke... and you.)

"Hello?"

"Hey, Luke."

"Jess. How's it going?"

"Oh, you know. Just fine. You still in Nantucket?"

"Yeah. Rory and Richie came with, as you probably know. But we also have a, let's say, 'surprise' visitor up here today."

"Reeeeally. Who's that?"

"Oh, none other than the great Logan Huntzberger himself, who finally deigned to see his son because he could pass it off as a polite visit to a family friend while he was 'in the area.'"

"Jeez. He still hasn't told anyone, has he?"

"Apparently not. Claims he's 'waiting for the right moment,' or some kinda bullsh**."

"Bastard."

"You're tellin' me. But why'd you call? You don't usually call this time of day."

"Yeah. Well, I, uh… I got some news today."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"So, I don't know if you remember me talking about that writer's residency program in Argentina last year?"

"Oh yeah, weren't you thinking about applying for that?"

"Yeah. I did apply for it, actually. There was a pretty long waiting list, though."

"Oh, I see. So, d'you hear something about that?"

"Yeah. Today, actually. I, uh… I got in."

"Jess, that is fantastic news! Good for you. That's a really great opportunity for you."

"Yeah. Yeah, it is. I, uh… just… I'm not sure if I wanna take it."

"What?!! Jess, you can't be serious! You've been wanting to do something like this for God knows how long! And now you've got this opportunity and you're just going to let it pass you by?"

"I don't know, it's just… I don't know if it's a good time for me to be leaving the country right now."

"What, you got something goin' on at work?"

"No... No, it's not that, it's… I don't know."

"Well? What is it? What's stopping you?"

"I just… part of me thinks that I should be here, right now. In case… you know, in case a... friend might need me."

"In case a friend might- Oh jeez. Jess. Tell me you're not talking about Rory."

Jess took a deep breath and then exhaled heavily through his nose.

"Are you serious?! Jess! You told me you were over that! Long over, if I remember it correctly."

"Yeah, well, I was over it! At least, I thought I was…"

"Oh, Jess."

"I know! I know. I'm pathetic. I swore I would never end up like you, and yet here I am."

"Hey! Things didn't turn out so bad for me in the end, you know."

"I know. You're right. I'm worse. I already had my chance with Rory, and I screwed it up so badly that she wishes our entire relationship had never happened."

"Jess, you were just a kid. I'm sure that's not true."

"Oh no? Well, sorry to disappoint you, but that's exactly the way she remembers it."

"Ah jeez. She put that in that book she's writing?"

"Yup."

"And you've been reading over it, right?"

"Yup."

"Well, sh**. I'm sorry, Jess."

"Yeah, well, it is what it is, and it's my own damned fault, so I don't really have the right to be put out about it."

"Well, ok, but… that being the case, don't you think it's time to let this go?"

"Past time. But that's the worst part… I've tried. G-d, I've tried. And I thought I was mostly ok with it, you know? There's been occasional relapses of… regret or… moments when I've wished things could've turned out differently, but… I haven't been hoping for anything. I've been trying to move on. I've had relationships."

"You only went on, like, two dates with that last girl, what was her name?"

"Sylvia?"

"Yes, Sylvia! But two dates, Jess! You give up that quickly and you call that trying?"

"That's what I'm getting to, though. This year has been… different. It wasn't so bad when I only saw her for a few minutes every couple years or so, but between the wedding and the book and everything that's been going on with her lately, Rory and I have been talking all the time, and I just… I still like her more than any other woman I've ever met, Luke. And I told myself that she hasn't wanted me for over a decade now. She made her feelings abundantly clear, and I have offered myself up like an idiot over and over and over again, just on the off chance that she might have changed her mind, and she has turned me down every single time. I mean, how many times does she need to say it before I get a clue? 'No means no,' right? I'm done. I'm not doing that again. So, I guess we're friends now. She really likes me as a friend, she says, so I'll be her friend and be grateful I get to spend time with her at all. And I'm doing my best to be ok with that. So I finally asked Sylvia out, and it was nice. She's beautiful and interesting, and maybe it coulda gone somewhere… but then you had to go and tell Rory about it. And she got weird, man. She called me up, and she was comparing me to Mr. Darcy, and-"

"Am I supposed to know who the hell that is?"

"Are you serious? You've lived with Lorelai for, what, ten years now, and she hasn't tied you down and made you watch all six f***ing hours of that BBC monstrosity? Pride and Prejudice? Jane Austen? Lorelai going on and on about Colin Firth emerging from a lake in a wet shirt and breeches? Ring any bells?"

"Ah, maybe. I think I fell asleep about five minutes in."

"Of course you did. Well, all you need to know is that he's the romantic hero of the story, but he's a complete ass for like, two thirds of the book, which is obviously where the resemblance lies. So she's on a roll with that, and hey, I deserve it, but then she throws in the fact that he changes and fixes everything and the heroine can't help falling in love with him in the end. And what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Because last I knew, we were talking about me, and that would imply that… I don't know. All I know is that she got all flustered and started grilling me about my date with Sylvia, that you told her about, thanks so much, and then she starts going on about how she hopes I'll be very happy and how I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be with 'someone who has her life together.' And then she started crying and frickin' hung up on me!"

"Huh."

"Yeah! So, that whole thing kinda threw me, and all of a sudden, I'm not so sure where I stand anymore. I mean, am I crazy? Is that a normal reaction to hearing that a friend is seeing someone?"

"I don't know, Jess. It's weird, I'll give you that… but who knows, with pregnant women…"

"Well, yeah, there's that, too… But I went out with Sylvia again, because I was trying, you know? I owed it to myself and to her to give it an honest shot, but… I couldn't… I couldn't stop thinking about that phone call, Luke. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Because what if this was finally, finally a chance after all these years, and could I really just let that slip away? Could I start a relationship with someone else, knowing that I might be throwing away a shot with Rory? And I've been saying that there wasn't any chemistry with Sylvia and me, but the truth is, I know that's all on me. It was awkward because of me, because I was distracted and I was distant and I wasn't sure I wanted to be there. And Sylvia deserves better than that. It was better to end it before anybody got hurt."

"Ah, jeez, Jess."

"It's true. I'll go ahead and say it: I sabotaged my own attempt at having a happy relationship because I'm still hung up on my highschool girlfriend. And there it is. I'm such a pathetic loser."

"You're not a loser, Jess. You've come a long way. But she's got a baby now."

"I know that. And even if she has changed her mind about me, the timing is so bad... She needs me to be a friend she can depend on right now. The last thing she needs is the stress of fending off yet more unwanted advances from her crazy ex-boyfriend who can't take no for an answer. And I can't go there again, I just can't. So, I'm stuck in this no-man's-land."

"So how is all this stopping you from going to Argentina? Maybe a few months away from all this would be good for you."

"Maybe… maybe. But I just… I broke her trust before by leaving. I made a lot of mistakes, but that? That was the one she couldn't forgive me for. And I want to be there for her, I want her to know that she can count on me now, that if she needs me, I am there. But I can't do that if I'm halfway across the world. I'd be of no more use to her than Logan is, and I… God help me, I want her to think of me as someone who can give her something that he can't. And if I go, I can't do that. And I have this feeling that if I go now, that'll be it for her. The end. Three strikes, I'm out. For good this time."

"Were you planning on leaving without telling her?"

"Well, no, of course I wasn't..."

"'Cause I think that was a big part of the problem last time…"

"Yeah. I get that. But what if she doesn't see it that way?"

"Jess, all I can say is maybe you should talk to Rory about it. See how she feels about it."

"I guess I'll have to."

"For my part, I think you should go. And she won't be alone, Jess. She's got Lorelai, and me, and Lane..."

"You're right. Who'm I kidding? She doesn't need me anyway."

"That wasn't what I meant."

"Yeah, well, it's probably true anyway. But it's good to know that she's got you looking out for her. I'd need you to promise me that, if I'm gonna even consider this."

"You got it."

"Well… thanks for listening. I guess I'd better go. I'm gonna call Rory, like you said."

"I think that'd be a good idea."

"Yeah. Well, talk to you later, Uncle Luke."

"Later, kid. You… you take care of yourself, alright?"

"I always do. But thanks."

Thank you for reading. Please, PLEASE share any comments or ask any questions you’re wondering about! I crave your opinion. What do you think of this? My muse is in desperate need of encouragement so I can finish writing Chapter 9 sooner rather than later!

#Gilmore Girls #Fanfiction #Literati #seriously please talk to me #The Long and Winding Road #this is an exclusive!#It won't be in the next chapter #and I haven't posted this anywhere else!#@tinygothgoblindaydreaming #@lily-of-the-vallies #@blueforest7

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carynsilver · 4 years

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Favorite Fics: Drarry Edition

Like I mentioned last time, reading has been a big comfort to me with all this craziness and sheltering at home, so I want to pay it forward and send love to some of the writers whose work has been brightening my quarantine. Thanks, guys!

For this list, we’re leaving the MCU for a while and heading over to the Wizarding World. I liked Harry Potter when it came out, but I never really read much fanfic until I realized a couple of years ago how much a redeemed Draco fit into the redemption trope that I loved in Harringrove, LoVe, SnowBaz, and other fandoms and ships. Once I started perusing the fics out there, I realized that one of the strengths of this fandom is the length and quality of the stories. I love stories that are a meal, and Drarry provides so many!

As I’ve gotten into the ship (so many years late, lol), these are my top 10 favorites.

dirtynumbangelboy by @magpiefngrl

This is probably the Drarry fic that I most enjoy. I come back to it fairly often when I need just a good read in the HP world. Fake dating is one of my absolute favorite tropes, which made this one an automatic win for me, but it’s written with such heart. I really, really love Draco in this fic. His uni studies and his flat being so different from the diffident image he projects. This is also probably the best Astoria I’ve ever read. Also--Jam Today! Read it now!

Do It All Over Again by DracoWillHearAboutThis

I only discovered this series earlier this year, and I’ve already read it at least three times from beginning to end. It’s a re-telling of the original series starting from Book 1. Draco sends himself a letter from the future basically saying that his dad is wrong, and he needs to give up his pure blood ideals and befriend Harry, then--boom--the Golden Trio’s adventures all happen with Draco in tow (and eventual romance, of course). The plot is fairly similar to the actual series, but I am there for the angst and the character growth. Narcissa kicks ass in this ‘verse, and Draco/Hermionie as besties is a treat! Book 4 and Book 6 are both amazing. And her titles are hilarious. This is the only series on my list that is still a WIP, but there’s plenty to read. Books 1 - 6 are complete, and a new chapter for 7 comes out every two weeks. It’s a safe bet so far, and it’s so good--why wait?

A Secondary Education by Thunderbird587

In this fic, Draco takes a job as Potions Professor at Hogwarts after getting divorced under horrible circumstances and renews his acquaintance with Harry, who is the DADA Professor. It’s got a bisexual awakening, and manages to combine friends with benefits with some supreme pining. Like a whole pine forest. Thunderbird587′s Draco POV is so fleshed out, and yet it also lets us see how Harry is pining, even when Draco himself doesn’t. Plus, at over 200K, it is long enough to get lost in for ages, which is perfect right about now. And when you finish the main fic, there are three other ancillary fics, two in Harry’s POV that take place during the main one. The cufflinks one is my favorite, but the writing is so good that I even thoroughly enjoyed the third sub-fic that fleshed out an OC. So, so worth the read--all of it!

The Foundations!verse by Saras_Girl

All of the fics by Saras_Girl are great. You can’t go wrong with any of them. But Reparations, Foundations, and all the little one-shots after are my favorite. It honestly surprised me at first, because alcoholism is a trigger for me, but this fic actually helped me realize that it’s the addiction part, the fall to rock bottom that triggers me. Recovery stories are different. And, I guess, this one is a bit different in that, though it has plenty of characters recovering, Draco himself is actually in a healthy place and facilitating recovery without relapsing. Harry is a Healer in this one, which is not the usual, and I quite enjoy his other relationships in this ‘verse, as well. He, Ron, and Hermione’s friendship is great in this one (their pub nights crack me up), but I also really like Harry’s friends at St. Mungo’s. My second favorite Terry Boot ever, and two awesome OC chicks. And the process of Drarry going from can’t stand each other to in love is slow and prickly and yet really believable. Oh, and Harry and Narcissa’s relationship in this one is just fabulous.

Golden Age by zeitgeistic (faire_weather)

The Hufflepuff in me was bound to fall in love with this fic. I really enjoy Eighth Year fics, especially the ones that embrace inter-house unity (shouldn’t have taken them a war to see the need for that!). This one takes it to a new level when everyone in... I think it was 6th - 8th years were resorted at the welcome feast, and the whole 8th year dynamic is shaken up. Harry, Draco and Neville become Hufflepuffs; Hermione and Pansy become Ravenclaws; Ginny becomes a Slytherin; and somehow Ron and Blaise are the ones who stay in their houses because the hat thinks they are basically the uber Gryffindor and Slytherin. But with the rest of them, we get to see them embrace other facets of their personalities, which is super interesting. And then, after the resorting, we find out that Hufflepuffs have a whole different world going on that basically no one outside their house knows about, and that world is brilliant. Even Hufflepuff food in the Great Hall is different! Everyone would enjoy this story, I think, but if you are a ‘Puff, you really, truly should not miss it. And if you like this one, check out some of zeitgeistic’s other works. Her world building is fabulous.

Life skills outside the curriculum by Endrina

In this fic, Harry gets fed up with the Dursleys before his 11th birthday and runs away before he gets his Hogwarts letter. He ends up on the streets and somehow embraces this kind of instinctual magic that is really fascinating. A few years later, Draco runs away rather than get involved more closely with the Dark Lord, and of course they meet up. This whole fic is super compelling. Harry’s world view and the way people gravitate toward him even without chosen one status. Also, this fic has one of my favorite versions of Remus and Sirius ever. I really wish there was a part two that went in depth on everything that happened after the end of this one, but even on its own it is so worth the read. And everything is wrapped up. I’m just greedy and would’ve loved more. :-)

A Convenient Impracticality by @firethesound

This fic combines friends with benefits and fake dating into a really enjoyable story. Harry is so oblivious, but it all works out in the end. And Draco is a secret mastermind, but in a good way. So is Hermione. Unlike some of the other, angstier stories on my list, this one is so fun, and I love it. And if you like it, check out more of firethesound’s work, as well. It’s worth it!

you’ve got the antidote for me by kandakicksass

And then, back on the angst train, lol. Soulmates, red string of fate, rejected bond = terminal disease. Whew! There’s a lot to unpack in this one, but after I read it, I never forgot it. I read a lot of fic in a lot of fandoms, and I always know a story is going to become a favorite if it stands out so much that I remember it later and think about it. That surely happened here.

(We’ll Call This Fixer-Upper) Home by phdmama

This is one of the first fics I read on my first Drarry binge, and I’ve always remembered it. Just like I love Eighth Year and Hogwarts professor fics, I also love fics where they have really unexpected jobs--pretty much anything other than Aurors. In this one, Harry is an artist/photographer and Draco is an up-and-coming rock star. The music and art, the creativity is important in this fic, but it also really looks at Draco’s recovery after the war in ways I haven’t read since, and I’m also a sucker for our favorite characters actually addressing and recovering from their trauma.

Boom Clap (The Sound of My Heart) by @femmequixotic and noeon (noe)

This fic takes the Eighth Year trope to the next level. Draco, Harry, Hermione, and some other faves are teaching fellows at Hogwarts. Junior professors, kind of. It read like if the HP crew went to college. And, of course, Draco and Harry fall in love along the way, but not without much angst and obliviousness. I really enjoy the Draco POV in this. His worries and anxieties feel so real for that stage in his life, but amped up because of the past. This was one I read, never forgot, and then had to go back and find so i could read it again.

So, those are my top 10, but there is lots of other good Drarry out there--both from these authors and all the others in the ship and the fandom. Thanks for all the writing you guys do.

Oh, and tagging @virtual-insomnia, but only because she said she might want to make some quarantine fic lists of her own. :-)

#drarry #fanfic rec #fanfic #reading #highly recommend #harry x draco #draco malfoy #harry potter #quarantine reads #thanks for writing these fics

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icycream-catqueen · 4 years

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Kindling (When You’re Burning Low)

Cinder would rather burn herself out than risk a low grade; fortunately, Neo knows how to make her relax.

Rating: T

Tone: Some angst, lots of supportiveness, and a fluffy ending

Word Count: ~5,000

Important Tags: College AU, Established Relationship

I was gonna post this before now but I had problems with writing it and I was nervous about participating in a ship week especially when I only have something written for one prompt, and also my cat was sleeping on me for five whole hours earlier tonight while I was trying to finish up and as everyone knows it is a crime to disturb a snoozing kitty cat. I hope it still counts. ^_^;

Considering it’s pretty long, I only have an excerpt (the first scene I wrote for this fic, actually) on this post; the whole thing is, of course, over on AO3!

On this fine Saturday afternoon, Cinder was taking advantage of the lounge in the dorm suite. The coffee table was half-claimed by various books and notes while Cinder herself was settled at the same end of the couch, her laptop perched on the arm of it and her right side pressed closely against the suede upholstery as she struggled with the perfect phrasing for her essay. Failure was never an option for her, and even the slightest error would lead to it when it came to this class. She was running on pure caffeine by now, from a supposedly unhealthy amount of coffee. This was her third or fourth solid day of being awake. After the first night, she’d moved her setup from her room to the lounge to help her stay more alert. Winter and Emerald had both tried to tell her what was best for her wellbeing, but she’d firmly shut down their arrogance; she knew her own limits, and she needed to get this stupid project done. Neo, thankfully, had been out of town from Thursday morning to last night, and when she’d come back to the suite, she’d trudged straight to her room and shut the door. Cinder had only seen a couple brief glimpses of her since. Just as well, considering Cinder couldn’t intimidate her into letting her be like she could to Emerald and Winter.

At the moment, Emerald and Winter were both out of the building. They’d each probably told her what they were doing, but she hadn’t bothered to remember it. Neo was apparently still asleep, which was a bit odd but not enough so to risk seeing the pitiful kicked-puppy expression that appeared when her sleep was disturbed. Still, if she wasn’t up and about in two hours, it would be worth it to check on her mental and physical health.

Speak of the devil, Cinder heard a door open behind her. She didn't bother to look, though, until she realized the shuffling footsteps were approaching the couch instead of the kitchen, bathroom, or shower. She took a brief glance, then did an immediate double take because Neo looked absolutely miserable. Her hair was unbrushed and her eyes were dull. The oversized black sweatshirt (which Cinder recognized by the fiery orange phoenix on the front as one of her own that had mysteriously vanished a few weeks ago) and the brown and pink plaid pajama pants were probably what she'd worn to bed the night before, and she hadn't even bothered to put on socks. It was worrying to see her in such a state.

"You certainly look worse for wear," Cinder commented. Neo pouted at her as she slowly made her way to the couch and sank to the cushions. Before Cinder could react, Neo flopped down, squirmed to lay her head in her lap, and rolled onto her back. "I'm busy," Cinder told her sternly.

Neo's response was a soft and pitiful keening sound. She fumbled to grab Cinder's left wrist, staring up at her with pleading doe eyes.

"Neo. I'm busy," Cinder repeated. Neo whined and tugged on her wrist, so Cinder rolled her eyes and stopped resisting, curious about what she wanted. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she was definitely taken by surprise when Neo gently guided her hand under the hem of her sweatshirt and pressed it against her lower stomach.

What is she trying to accomplish here? Cinder raised an eyebrow at the woman in her lap. Neo let go of her wrist to sign something at her. The odd angle made it hard to translate, so it took a few seconds for Cinder to understand what she was asking for and why.

"I suppose I can take a short break, if you're really in that much pain," she relented. "You're lucky you're cute," she added as she carefully activated her Semblance.

The reaction was instant. Neo sighed with relief at the warmth, eyes full of soft gratitude and affection. Cinder rubbed slow, small circles over her stomach, feeling the smaller woman go languid under her touch. After a few more seconds, Neo's eyes fluttered closed.

"Is this warm enough?" Cinder asked. Neo nodded, a content smile playing across her lips. "Just ten minutes."

Neo opened her eyes and pouted at her.

"There is a reason I've been awake for," Cinder checked the time on her laptop, "about eighty hours now." Neo looked positively outraged.

"You need to sleep," she signed—easily decipherable now that Cinder had gotten a little more time to adjust to her current perspective. Not that the message was very appreciated.

"No, what I need is to finish this ridiculous project so I can move on to my two remaining essays, do all the work for a 'group project' because the rest of my assigned group are immature and unmotivated idiots, and study for my three exams this week," Cinder retorted.

"When are your essays due?"

Cinder elected not to answer, since admitting the due dates were two and three weeks away respectively wouldn't help her against Neo's accusatory glare.

"Your group project?"

Okay, so maybe it hadn't technically been assigned yet and was scheduled to be due in a month and a half, but all the information was in the syllabus. Cinder's class was full of imbeciles, and somehow she always got stuck in a group with some idiot or another who didn't understand what a lesbian was, so she was getting it out of the way to avoid interacting with anyone.

"Are all three of your exams actually this week?"

Two of them, and one of those barely counted more towards the final grade in the class than a small quiz. Her continued silence was answer enough; Neo knew her too well.

"You're going to burn yourself out again." Neo's eyes were unbearably sad, so Cinder looked away.

"I'm fine," she dismissed the concern. A hand grabbed her chin and yanked her head down so her eyes met Neo's again.

"I watched you collapse in the middle of campus last year, and I almost got in trouble for pulling a knife on the paramedics to make them let me stay with you. I got a scared video call from Winter four months ago because you fainted in her fancy rich-person hot tub and nearly drowned," Neo reminded her. “Do I need to go on?”

"I can handle it this time," Cinder insisted, growing agitated. Neo took a calming breath before responding.

"No you can't. You always say it but you never can. You end up in an exhausted daze. You work yourself into a frenzy. You get into fits of rage...which honestly scare me."

"I would never lay a hand on—!" Cinder was cut off when Neo pressed a finger to her lips.

"Not for myself. I'm scared you'll lose control and take it out on yourself again," Neo corrected her. "You haven't in a while, but..." Neo trailed a hand down Cinder's left arm, tracing her scars.

"I just...I need to...I have to keep working. I can't let myself fall behind. I can't..." Cinder faltered. Neo sighed.

"I know," she acknowledged. She knew about the past, knew why Cinder relapsed into these desperate attempts to excel, to stay ahead. "But it's pointless if you destroy yourself trying."

"I've only ended up being sent to the hospital three times since I started college," Cinder argued. Neo was unimpressed.

"Congratulations! And you've managed to barely avoid hospitalization how many times now?"

"I—that isn't relevant!" Cinder hissed. Neo scowled.

"Really? It's not? How many times have you ended up so exhausted that you were bedridden for days? How many times have you gone into a mental decline because you were incapacitated? And how many more times are you going to make me watch you suffer like that?"

"If you want to leave me, just get it over with!" Cinder spat bitterly. Neo's eyes widened, hurt and shocked. Cinder flinched, realizing she'd crossed a very important line. "I didn't mean...I don't know why I said that."

"An abandonment complex, emotional instability, a mess of insecurities you mask with your ego, previous girlfriends who couldn't handle you or only wanted your body...and like I've been saying, you need sleep,” Neo replied, recovering. "Also, my cramps?"

"What?" Cinder realized she'd subconsciously deactivated her Semblance at some point and quickly remedied that. "Oh. Sorry."

"I'm going to make a deal with you," Neo informed her abruptly. Cinder raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

"What kind of deal?"

"The 'ridiculous project' you're trying to finish. Tell me about it, and I'll explain," Neo replied. Cinder clenched her teeth at the mere mention of it.

"It's an assigned experiment, a five to ten-page report on it, and an oral presentation. And the professor hates me. He goes out of his way to make every class, every test, and every assignment hell for me. I have to work harder than anyone so he can't get away with failing me out of spite. If I make even one mistake..." she growled.

"When is it due?"

"The day after tomorrow. It was assigned two weeks ago, but three days ago he realized he 'accidentally' gave me the wrong experiment. In other words, he's making me do a two-week project within five days—after I'd already finished the one he previously assigned me."

"Watts," Neo guessed. Cinder had come back from his class angry enough times that it wasn't even a question.

"Yeah," she confirmed anyway. Neo wrinkled her nose.

"I already hated that guy, and I hated him more and more every time you came back from his class in a bad mood, but this shit he's pulling now is the final straw, so I'm going to get him fired," she declared. Cinder let out an amused huff.

"And how will you do that?" she asked. She didn’t expect an actual answer but Neo didn't even hesitate.

"It may include breaking and entering, small and well-placed incidents, a flat tire, some bottles of the expensive alcohol he isn't supposed to have on campus, a sedative, and if we're lucky, a little inadvertent assistance from gravity and Ironwood."

"Just how long have you been planning this?" Cinder was taken aback at the immediate response. Neo considered.

"The time you locked me out of your dorm after his class because you were so furious you wanted to hit something, and you were worried you'd see so much red you might accidentally hit me in blackout rage. You've never told me what happens in his class to make you so angry, or even if it's actually him or just another student—though I was pretty sure it was him—so I planned for both situations."

"I'm impressed," Cinder commented. Neo smirked. “Now what was that ‘deal’ you mentioned?”

"You finish the report for your project, then eat something more substantial than coffee and whatever quick snacks you've been living off of for the past few days. And then we go to my dorm and you get some damn sleep."

"How did you know I'm working on the report right now?" Cinder was taken aback. "And how do you know I haven't been eating?"

"Because I can see it on your computer. And once again, you've done this before, so I know you don't take the time for more than the minimum amount of food to keep hunger from 'distracting' you," Neo pointed out, almost accusingly.

"I haven't even started working on the oral presentation. I'll do all that after I'm completely finished."

"Nope. You can start that part when you're well-rested. If you make me physically drag you to bed while I'm on my period, I'll make damn sure you regret it," Neo threatened with a scowl.

“Fine,” Cinder gave in reluctantly. Neo smiled brightly, and dammit, it was nigh impossible for Cinder to stay bitter in the face of such genuine fondness, joy, and relief. She wondered when she’d gotten so soft—even if only a select few people got to see that soft part of her—and realized she didn’t even mind anymore.

#spicecreamweek2021 #spicecream #cinder x neo #fanfic #rwby #cinder fall #neopolitan #college au #oneshot #mentions of trauma #mentions of past self-harm #fluff #cuddles #established relationship #tl;dr cinder neglects self-care so neo makes her take a nap #i could have just done a link like normal people but i wanted an excuse to use the spicecream graphic i made

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ewitscraya · 3 years

Text

3 times Technoblade has a bad time and once he gets help

Summary :He doesn't remember the in between of getting up the stairs and pulling out the knife from far in his bedside table, he just knows Tommy was yelling. They were fighting, Techno doesn't remember what it was about, it'll come to him later. He does remember Tommy screaming that he wished he had been sent back to the foster home though.

Pairings: Platonic!Technoblade x Platonic!Sleepyboisinc.

Warnings: descriptions of self harm, self hatred, swearing, hospitals, sharp objects

A/N: So this is my first post on Tumblr, well, on this account! I cross-post everything onto my A03, which I’ll link in my masterlist when I get it set up!

Slice.

The pocket knife he used had dulled over the years, it took multiple times to see that crimson red that he longed to see. It was a pretty sight, the way the skin around immediately began to welt around the cut, sensitive blood spilling out.

He didn't realize he had even relapsed. Over two months clean all gone down the drain so quick, it didn't hit him until he had finished slicing four fresh slices into his fleshy thighs.

"Shit!"

Tears stung his eyes like freshly cut onions as he dropped the knife, as if it had burnt his hands. He stood, head clutched in his hands as blood dripped down his thigh.

He doesn't remember the in between of getting up the stairs and pulling out the knife from far in his bedside table, he just knows Tommy was yelling. They were fighting, Techno doesn't remember what it was about, it'll come to him later.

He does remember Tommy screaming that he wished he had been sent back to the foster home though.

it's because you hurt him. He said it because you hurt him. Why'd you yell? He was wrong. He yelled first. You shouldn't have yelled back though. You shouldn't have hit Wil he was just concerned. Why would you ever-

He knew he had to clean up, but he was tired. His brain had been running a hundred miles an hour, the rush was running out, and even the slight loss of blood left him exhausted.

He dragged the now discarded pair of pants that laid next to him before, across his legs to collect the blood.

Fuck... That's gonna stain...

He'd worry in the morning, for now, he crashed onto his bed.

He crashed into his room, unable to keep a mask on his face any longer as he let out broken, desperate sobs. nobody was home. Tommy was out with friends, just got off a call with Wilbur who was with his own friends as well, and Phil was at work.

Wil was disappointed in how he was handling the fight with Tommy. He had been yelling at Techno to act his age and apologize.

He didn't want to, it wasn't his fault, Tommy had been the one to tell him he was dumb first. It wasn't his fault. Tommy yelled first. It wasn't his fault-

He dug into his bedside table, grasping and groping around desperately to find the pocket knife, one he found it, he practically held onto the blade as if it was a lifeline, warm blood dripping out of his finger as the blade sliced into his hand.

But he doesn't care, he stripped off his pants once more and dug the knife into one spot, putting more and more pressure onto it until finally, finally, red blood spilt out.

He could feel more sobs wretch out of his mouth as he presses down on another spot.

Blood pooled and dripped down his legs once again, dripping onto the cuts from last night as well. He watched in slight horror but more even breathing as it dripped onto the carpet.

"Fuck fuck fuck!"

The knife falls out of his hands as he panics, taking himself to the bathroom instead of continuing.

He's done for the night.

He didn't like the sight of the bloodstain on his carpet, but it seemed to be a reminder not to cut himself.

Because three days later he hasn't cut. He isn't proud, he's gotten too close, even Phil and Wilbur seem to be getting suspicious. The bloodstain didn't help.

He managed to play it off as an aggressive nose bleed, but he saw their faces, not even Tommy fully believed him and the boy seemed to believe everything Technoblade said.

He should have been more careful but what's happened has happened. He just has to stop for a few days and get them to stop being around him all the time.

He had to stop Phil from being around him all the time. Wilbur and Tommy were still mad at him, rightfully so though.

Apologies haven't been said yet, even though they really need to be. Techno needs to tell Tommy he's sorry for yelling. He saw the way the younger boy flinched. In the moment he had somehow forgotten how horrible past homes Tommy was in were.

He hated himself for making him remember.

He's tempted to run the pocket knife across his thighs again, but he chooses not to, staring at the blood on his carpet with a burning glare

Days later, Tommy ran away. He had been found fairly quick, but that night Techno writhed in self hatred and guilt.

To think he had made Tommy relapse in his own way had hurt so much to the point that he couldn't bare it. He grabbed the knife and scraped it relentlessly across his bare thighs.

Tommy used to run very frequently when he first came to the house, and Techno had been the one to find him almost every time, to see his younger brother in such a state of pain from one small fight every time had hurt.

He can't even remember what the were fighting about anymore. He knows he fucked up though. That he messed up so bad that Tommy had ran away for the first time in four years.

More blood pools in the cuts, he relishes in the release of the hurt and pain. He can't stop. He isn't even pressing hard or focusing, he's just swiping as much as he can.

It hurts more than it usually does, like tens of paper cuts slicking through his skin, but deeper and bloodier.

He hated the feeling but it felt better in the morning.

Eventually he began pressing harder.

He ran. He ran away and it's your fault. You hurt him. You made him run again. You did this. You deserve the pain you deserve it. You don't deserve them. You don't deserve Phil's love. You never did. You should have gone back like Wil told you to when you got here you don't deserve Wil You don't-

He begins to feel lightheaded. It's only when he actually focuses on the cuts he's making that he realizes why.

Shit.

The slices were much deeper then he had thought, all of it was spilling t the ground at rapid paces, spilling out from his body quickly.

It stung, everything stung. Every time he tried to wipe the blood away it burnt like a wildfire on his thighs.

"Oh fuck-"

He couldn't clean this himself. Not without them seeing.

But Phil and Wil had been so proud of him for making it for over two months. They'd be so mad that he relapsed almost a week ago.

With guilt wriggling in his chest once again, he stood up, knife dropping from his hands once again, he watched and tried to keep his focus as black dots filled his vision briefly.

"Phil?"

His voice was raspy from calling out Tommy's name earlier, but he continued to scream Phil's name desperately.

I want my dad.

He thought to himself as he continued to cry. He heard the door click open, but through his tears and the splotchy scary black spots, he couldn't see who it was.

He can hear footsteps and panicked voices meld together as hands wrap around his shaking form, picked up and held tightly to someone's chest.

He just wishes he could breathe. He just wishes he could see.

Everything is dark for him, he's so tired.

He's so tired.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's bright, when he opens his eyes. He can hear a faint beeping next to him, and a hand grasping his own. He doesn't know who it is though.

Eventually, he remembers what happens, or, an idea of what happened. He had been caught. He went to far. He hurt Tommy and he got himself back for it.

But where is he- With a groan he manages to open his eyes, seeing a stark white room.

A hospital room.

The hand grasping his own is Wil. Wilbur, his brother whomst he pushed away and hurt was right there, holding onto his arms and hand like it's a lifeline. He's asleep it seems, so with hesitance, Techno frees his hand from the elder's grasp and gently runs his hands through his hair.

He doesn't notice for a moment, how Wilbur's eyes crack open slowly, but he does notice when he suddenly bolts up and tackles Techno in a warm hug.

"I'm so fucking sorry Techno I- I shouldn't have- I didn't- I though I was helping but I just-"

Techno hesitantly squoze the boy back, burying his own head into Wil's curly hair that seemingly fell to his shoulders now.

Huh... He hadn't noticed Wil's mullet before.

"Techno!"

A new voice calls, much younger, and Techno knows who it is immediately.

"Tommy?"

Wilbur pulls away, letting a crying Tommy- Tommy was crying over Techno, he couldn't believe it- crawl onto the hospital bed and curl up in Techno's arms.

"I'm so sorry Blade, I shouldn't have yelled at you like-"

"Tommy don't apologize, please. It isn't your fault. Not in the slightest. I'm sorry for scaring you."

With that the brothers all sat in silence, eventually, a soft snoring could be heard coming from the youngest of the three, Techno looks down to see Tommy sleeping against his chest.

"I'm glad he's finally asleep. Fucker refused to leave the waiting room. Phil didn't want him to come in until you were awake. But I guess he heard us talking, Phil went out to get food a bit ago."

The two were quiet for a moment, mainly because Technoblade was scared to ask the question he wanted to ask. He had to know.

"Who found me?"

He croaked out quietly, trying to keep his voice as even as possible. He seemingly failed though, Wilbur gripped his hand and pressed his lips to the back of it, a loving gesture that managed to calm him down.

"Tommy found you."

And with those three words Techno can feel his heart shatter. He didn't want Tommy to know. He never wanted Tommy to know. And the fact that right after coming home, only minutes later he had to deal with Technoblade, with the sight of him like that.

"Stop it. I know what you're thinking, and don't worry. He's alright now, he just panicked a lot and didn't know what to do."

Techno ran his fingers through Tommy's soft hair for a little longer, before the door opened and their father walked in.

"Dad!"

Techno bolted up straight, carefully shifting a now waking Tommy to his side to allow his father to hug him, to hold onto him.

Phil had that same worried face he had on when he first found out Techno had been cutting. It wasn't pity, he has to tell himself, Phil and Wilbur reminded him multiple times in the past, so Techno makes sure to tell himself.

"Oh Techno I'm so sorry, I should've noticed sooner, I promise I'm not gonna let you go through this alone okay?"

And Techno cries. With his younger brother clutching his sleeve, Wilbur smiling and pressing kisses to his hand, and his dad holding him, he cries.

"We're here for you bubba."

#mcyt #techno mcyt #c!techno #technoblade #tommyinnit #c!tommy #tommy #wilbur #wilbur soot #sleepy bois inc #philza #philza minecraft #dream smp #dream mcyt #mcyt fanfiction #mcyt fandom #dream smp fanfiction #dream smp fandom #dreamsmp

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princezukohere · 4 years

Text

Selfish R.C

okokok so I’m kind of nervous, it’s been awhile since i’ve really wrote stories so this could be shit but I was at work and the song Selfish by Madison Beer played in my headset and I got this idea and I spent the last two hours writing and rewriting.

No warnings really, cursing, I probably have typos that I didn’t catch it’s 1am where I am and I am a tired girl but I wanted to post this now instead of waiting so I hope who ever reads this enjoys!

Rafe Cameron X Reader

(y/n) = your name

angst filled, one fluff moment

My requests are open, I do not do domestic violence, I do not write rape/sexual assault/self harm, I can imply it but I will not write it.

Rafe being an addict, no inclusion of his family or the pogues

Two years were being washed down the drain, you had finally decided to walk away and it was the most heartbreaking thing you could’ve done, no the most heartbreaking thing you could’ve done was sit and watched the boy you loved continiously treat you like shit while he threw his life down the drain. Rafe Cameron was perfect, or at least at some point, he had been. When you and Rafe started dating you felt like the stars were aligning. Girls want a fairytale and you couldn’t lie, it was never a fairytale with him, but he had those beautiful blue eyes and his smile...his smile was like watching a dad hold his child for the first time. He looked t you like you were the best thing to ever walk into his life, he made you feel welcomed and love, and though he was an asshole you were so blinded by the love that you thought he was giving you.

You were sixteen when he asked you out, you had hung around him and his friends, his old group before Topper and Kelce. He asked you to the winter formal and who were you to refuse the ocean eyed boy. Your mother had been more than delighted when you told her Rafe Cameron asked you to the formal.

“Keep that one around, you’ll marry rich.” She told you as she helped you with your hair and this light makeup look she had told you would keep his attention, boys liked a natural look, although her hair was pinned up and her face caked on. She’d always say ‘the older you get the less a man might find you attractive’

“Money isn’t everything.” You mumbled at to your mom, “What if his family goes bankrupt?”

“The Camerons could never go bankrupt, if they do you run, your father’s money can only get you far but marry a man like Rafe Cameron and you’ll be set for life.” She told you pressing a kiss to the top of your head. A man, Rafe wasn’t a man, he was a boy who couldn’t get himself together but you didn’t know.

When Rafe picked you up, his tie matching your dress, hair slicked back, and the brightest smile on his face when he led you out to his dads’ car. He took you to dinner and picked up the check, he opened the door and helped you out, he danced with you all night, and when he dropped you off he didn’t expect a kiss goodnight though you did give him one for a great night. Where was that boy?

Boy, you're such a lost cause

Now your name is crossed off

How you gonna fix this?

You can't even fix yourself

Rafe was snorting a line at another kook party, you sat on the chair next to him tending to your drink, “Cmon babe.” He said as he handed you the rolled-up bill, you accepted handing him your drink as you looked at the white powder that was lined up perfectly, courtesy of your boyfriend.

“If she isn’t going to do the line give it to someone who will,” Topper said as he reached for the bill aking you slap his hand away, you got off the arm of the chair lining the bill up as you snorted the line, you threw your head back, Rafe’s hands tending to your waist as he pulled you into his lap. One line and you were good, that’s what you said every time though you knew that you shouldn’t do any. Rafe turned your head that way you’d be looking at him, he brought his lips to yours and you accepted the kiss kindly. Topper snatched the bill out of your hand so he could do his line, the bill got past around and soon it was Rafes’ turn again. “Babe cmon, it’ll be here when you come back.” You told him but he accepted the bill anyways, denying your request to get some fresh air instead.

I bet you thought you gave me real love

But we spent it all in nightclubs

All you ever wanna do is lie

Why you always such a Gemini?

On your two year anniversary, the plan was to get done up nice and have a nice dinner. Rafe said that was the plan but soon you were on the same route to Barrys’. You stayed silent and when he asked if you wanted to come in you denied, he said he’d be right back but you knew that lie. He left his suit jacket in the car for you before heading inside where he resigned for the next fifteen minutes. When he came back you could instantly tell he was high, you slipped your heels off so you could get in the drivers’ side.

“Babe I’m fine,” Rafe said but you shook your head pulling open the car door slipping into the seat. He got inside the passenger side taking your hand in his pressing a kiss to the back of it. “After dinner, we have a nice little surprise.” He said holding up the baggy.

“Almost like I said I wanted you sober.” You told him but shook your head as you backed out of Barry’s yard, “Can you pull up the GPS? I don’t know the way from here.” You asked trying not to spend the entire night upset with him.

“One more detour.” He said which only causes you to sigh and follow the GPS to the location he set it to. “You have to come in, we’ll be in and out, I got some for Topper.” He said once you pulled up to the country club, it was kind of late but Topper had a way with words and now there were some of their close friends inside waiting for him to bring the goods.

You walked inside with Rafe, Topper, and Kelce cheering for him as he tossed them the baggy. “You have to join us for a couple of lines since you did us the honor of bringing the goods,” Topper told him with a smirk, and Rafe being Rafe could never turn down a line. You sat in the corner of the country club watching as Rafe joined them for line after line. At this point you might as well had walked home, Rafe couldn’t drive and you weren’t driving him just for him to think you’d stay the night like normal. You walked outside back to the car leaving the keys inside the side console, hopefully when he found them he’d be sober enough to get himself home.

I wanted you to change, yeah

I shouldn't love you, but I couldn't help it

I always knew that you were too damn selfish

“Rafe you aren’t going to change! You constantly say that you will, that you’ll get better but you don’t.” You yelled at him as he stood at your bedroom door, “You lie and you lie and you blow me off for drugs and for Topper and Kelce and I’m done! I’m so fucking sick and tired of it.” Yout old him your eyes were wet but no tears had fallen, not yet at least.

“So what, you’re going to give up on me? On us, because I relapsed?” He yelled back his face red, the veins in his neck and forehead popping, but you shook your head.

“You don’t get to guilt trip me, you can’t relapse when you haven’t tried to stop. Telling e a week ago if even a week that you’re going to stop and then doing some he moment Topper calls you up isn’t a relapse.” You said your voice quiet, “You’ve gone longer than a week before, I know you have.” You said licking your lips.

“Y/N….baby, I’m trying okay? I’m trying so hard and it’s hard to stop, I- please don’t give up on me, not yet.” He said softly as he reached out for you, “Please.” He asked you could’ve taken his hand. You could’ve said yes, you could’ve told him that you’d help him but you’ve heard that same plead before, word for word as if he memorized it just for times like this. When you were finally slipping away from him because Rafe was selfish and he knew he had something good and that he was fucking it up. Rafe knew that you were fed up and you deserved better, that you could find better, Rafe also knew if he lost you because he refused to get help them he’d lose everyone else to so why not hold onto you for as long as he could? Why not keep the one thing that had been his no matter how many times he fucked up.

But it's not possible

Plus I'm not responsible

For your self-made obstacles

You shook your head when Rafe stepped closer to you, “No.” You said firmly the tears finally starting to fall, “No Rafe, I...i’m not giving up, I believe that you can fix it, I believe that you will get better, I know that you will but I can’t, I can’t fix you, I can’t help you when you don’t really want help. “It’s not possible to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and i’m not responsible to fix you or to help you anymore.” You told him trying to wipe your face but the tears kept flowing. “I love you Rafe, so fucking much do you get that? I have loved you more than you deserve, I have loved you more than my heart could allow but...you are do damn selfish.” You said your voice breaking as you finally let the tears freefall. “You never pick me, you’ve never picked me. You pick coke, you pick the boys but me...i’m an afterthought and I can’t be an afterthought anymore.”

“You’ve never been an after thought y/n...I, everything i’ve done has been for you, everything I want to do is for you, to make you happy, to keep that smile on your face, that’s why I took you out the other night you remember? I did that because I love you, because i’ve wanted you to know that I can get better that I can and I will.” He said as eh tried stepping towards you, stumbling a bit. “You have to believe me.”

“Rafe.” You said softly stepping towards him, you grabbed his face in your hands looking into his eyes, “You’re high?” You asked in disbelief, “You’re so full of shit.” You told him pushing him away from you as you turned away from him. “Get out, I need you out of my room and out of my house.”

“It was the last time, i’m all out, I was going to flush it but i-”

“But you what?” You yelled turning to face him once more, “One last line was still more important.” You told him, you licked your chapped lips as you walked past him opening the door. “Maybe you should try some therapy, you should lose a couple home boys, 'Cause I need you to understand that I can;t be with someone who can;t evens say no to one line.” You said holding the door wide open, “I loved you, I won’t lie and act like I didn’t or that I don’t but this can’t work, we don’t work.” And just like that Rafe Cameron, high as a kite walked out of you life, the same way he walked in.

Two years were indeed being washed down the drain, because the most heart breaking thing you did for the last two years was watch the boy you loved continue to treat you like shit while he threw his life down the drain. You put yourself through hell trying to keep up, you changed yourself and your way of thinking to make him happy and though he never asked you did. Rafe Cameron was perfect, or at least at one point he had been.

#rafe x y/n #rafe cameron #rafe obx #rafe angst #rafe fanfiction #rafe #obx kiara #rudy obx #kie obx #obx #Outer Banks #outerbanks #rafe outer banks #jj outer banks #pogue imagine #kook imagine #pope outer banks #john b outer banks

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flightofaqrow · 4 years

Text

Meta: Road to Recovery

OKAY SO

Yesterday, @ littleblackqrow made this excellent post about Qrow hitting rock bottom in vol 6, [< that’s a link to it, my blog isn’t always great with identifying that] which breaks down:

Him being forced to literally face the consequences of his actions in regards to drinking.

Him not dealing with frustration or lack of direction well.

The rising tensions of his interpersonal relationships, people starting to lose patience with and call him on his bs, especially as he gets worse.

How important his relationship with Ruby is and not wanting to put that at risk.

Beautiful. The good stuff. Go read it if you haven’t.

But I also present to you another nuance that affected his descent and ultimate decisions: a complete blowout identity crisis.

This got long so I’m going to try and separate it into phases.

I. Loss of Identity

"I gave my life to you because you gave me a place in this world. I thought I was finally doing some good."

When Ozpin’s secret is revealed, Qrow’s reaction is to believe his entire purpose for the last 20+ years was working towards something that was never really a complete plan and probably doomed from the start. None of it mattered: The work STRQ put in. His choosing the opposite side of his own sister. Losing Summer. All the spying, fighting. The whole idea of having huntsman to begin with and all the effort he put in to be one of the best. All of the things he didn’t do instead.

In one fell swoop he loses his whole identity.

On top of finding out one of his most trusted people not only kept secrets, but lied to him - someone he’s likely stood up for and defended with bared teeth and is now finding out those other people were right. On top of what is still coming that has to be faced and all the lives in danger.

Ruby is right to be worried he won't take it well. Who would?

II. Rock Bottom

It's why even the apathy scene where he knows he fucked up isn't enough. The whole situation still feels hopeless. He still feels empty. Oh, and let's add on finding out his own hero and inspiration was one of the ones who gave up and ran away.

[Aside: When they were riding in the cart and Maria said “especially when some of you are clearly stronger already” I’m pretty sure that included Qrow. Look at him through her eyes! A huntsman 40+ who’s dedicated his whole life to the occupation, and even though it’s clearly taken a toll and he struggles, he’s still out there fighting the good fight to the bitter end like you’re supposed to!! She can’t be only talking about the young ones being skilled.]

So rock bottom hits.

But.

"If you think you can keep up with us kids, we’d be happy to have you."

Eventually we have the scene where Ruby stands up to him and offers him a new place at her side. She’s too smart for her own good. Even if it’s subconscious and intuitively, she knows what he needs. Maria’s still there, too. Still means something to him, and she reinforces this idea, coaxing him to make better choices:

"Guess you didn't give her enough credit either."

The seed’s been planted, but he's still too stuck in his own head and guilt to see it yet.

III. Breaking Down and Building Back Up

This finally culminates in his breakdown when the airship abduction plan starts falling apart:

“Every choice I've ever made has led me here, and I've dragged you along with me. Oz, myself, the others... We're responsible for the mess the world's in now. I shouldn't have come, shouldn't have let any of you come... What was I thinking?!”

Hopefully, this hits a little bit different now. It’s not just semblance-based guilt or even recognizing his recent failings. It’s everything crashing down around him. Literally every choice he’s made.

But then Ruby absolves him. [wow look at what can happen when you actually talk about stuff.] She steps up as her own person and a full on leader for the group, and finally, finally frees him from everything up until now; even this self-imposed intermediate job of being the responsible adult. And then once more reminds him of who he is and that there is still a fresh start to be his own person. She uses his full name for a reason.

“We could still use Qrow Branwen on our side.”

So he chooses to join the fight. Because of course he does.

He’s Qrow Branwen.

The huntsman who does what’s right.

IV. Staying Sober

So when all is said and done, and they’re winding down from the battle, and he goes for a drink, it isn't just not wanting to worry Ruby that stops him. He can’t even see her face. [Although, saying "just don't go giving me heart attacks like that again" aloud does, I think, finally cause the immediate flash of insight / irony that Ruby probably feels the same way about him, and is definitely a factor]. It's not even him confronting or atoning for his actions.

No, this moment is him making the transition from being Oz's spy (when it was all fun and games and he could get away with stuff because he was that good and worked alone), to realizing that if he's going to take on this new role as a committed support for RWBY + ORNJ (in a deadly war with uncertain and changing tactics, against an unkillable being), then, I need to be sharper. I need to be more present. I need to be a better me.

This is him looking right down the mouth of his flask and deciding for himself to leave it in the past with Ozpin and his own former identity, and to instead move forward and grow alongside everyone else.

Yesterday’s post made the beautiful observations of Ruby’s expressions during this scene, but let’s look at Qrow.

[I’m busy having a personal crisis, don’t touch me.]

[Well, I guess it’s okay.]

V. Bonus Round

And let me point out that once more, at the end of the battle, Maria reinforces him, this time by validating his performance in this new standby and support function. [Which is also probably closer to what he was used to being in STRQ, and more comfortable for him.]

“You weren't half bad yourself today, Qrow.”

This is self indulgent but I’M ADDING IT ON BECAUSE THIS SCENE BLOWS MY MIND, OK!! ALL WITHIN 40 SECONDS WE SEE:

Qrow being validated.

Qrow talking about his feelings.

Qrow accepting a compliment with poise.

Qrow genuinely relaxing and smiling.

BECAUSE OF MARIA!!!!

VI. Some extra asides

1. I think this all is part of why we see such a spike of bird form in vol 6 as well. Besides just making more sense than other battles maybe, since it’s something at a cliffside and tall forest, it's all he has left at that point. Ozpin and prior orders lost his respect. He lost the group's respect. He's already given the kids all the information he has. He's barely feeling useful as a huntsman. But here [man, the hope and pride in his voice when he says "you're not the only one who can get a bird's eye view" !!], here is this one thing that's special that he can still do and offer that no one else in the group can!! So he relies on it a little more than he normally would just to feel worthwhile.

2. SEE SECTION V - CLOVER YOU ABSOLUTE DOLT. Qrow’s already demonstrated all the things you’re trying to say he needs to work on. HE’S ONLY DEFLECTING AND FLUSTERED BECAUSE IT’S YOU SAYING THE THINGS!!! I don’t understand how the ship isn’t approached more from this direction instead of wanting Clover to be that development for him, but I always tend to handle ships differently I guess.

3. Expanding on that, Clover helped him have a fresh start with a new person to start feeling out this new self, and maybe work through some baggage. But I really think Qrow and this decision is stronger than to relapse much, if any, over the loss of him. I don't think he blames himself as much as some seem to believe either (yet another separate post), but even if he ends up with a bunch of guilt in vol 8, going sober was never about any resolution of his semblance or friend troubles. BUT at the same time stress is still stress so we'll see.

I feel like Nora running out of breath, bless you if you stuck with this the whole way.

#rwby #qrow branwen #rwby meta #rwby volume 6 #long post #* behind closed doors = ooc *#* gotta look inside / a little introspection = character development *#* hey don't get mad cause i'm right = headcanon *#* legends and stories; some of them true; some made up = meta *

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jbk405 · 3 years

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So, personal life drama

I cut off all contact with my ex just shy of a year ago, some time last August or September. She was an alcoholic, suffered from extreme mood swings, and became downright abusive. Harassing phone calls in the middle of the night, angry texts, manipulative threats of suicide, and so on.

Cutting contact was the right choice, and since I made the decision I’ve never thought otherwise.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have frequent “I should reach out, see how she’s doing” thoughts about once a week, but I stomp those thoughts down because I know exactly how that will turn out if I do. It’s a simple thought process: If she’s not better then I can’t help her, and if she is better then she doesn’t need my help. Like I said, simple. Although this has given me a newfound understanding for every time somebody has called their ex when they know they shouldn’t. I get it now.

A little more than a month ago I heard from a mutual friend that she had cleaned herself up. Sought professional help, quit drinking, and was several months sober. Great to hear. I again considered reaching out, but the same thought process still applies, plus I was heading into my busy high-stress season at work and I simply do not need that aggravation on top of everything else. So still no contact.

This past Thursday is when things changed. That same mutual friend called me asking if he could come by my apartment since there was a lot of local flooding and he was essentially blocked from going back to his place. I would have said yes but I wasn’t home, and when I told him I was still at work he called my ex (She lives nearby) to ask the same favor. She said she was ill and couldn’t have him over either.

Then she called me.

Ostensibly to check to make sure the mutual friend was okay and that he wasn’t trapped out in the storm (He made it home, it just took longer with all the road closures) but then we spoke because we haven’t talked in nearly a year.

She told me that yes, she’s sober now, and she apologized for the things she said and did back when we were together. She’s seeking help, she’s focusing on her job (Which she admitted she would have lost if she continued showing up drunk), she adopted a rescue cat. She’s also watching Death Note (You know, I’ve actually never watched Death Note myself).

She said she hopes we can be friends again.

I’ll be honest: I would love to be friends again. That’s part of why I still have those “I should reach out” thoughts. When she’s sober she’s fun, she’s fun to be with, we share enough interests to have great conversations while being fundamentally different people so we’re always having new stuff for each other. If she really is sober then maybe we could have that again. But it’s not that easy, because she hurt me. And given how many Addict’s Promises she gave back then -- 100% sincere but 100% worthless -- I’m not ready to accept that she really is sober for good.

So I said that it’s not impossible, but we’ll have to see.

The conversation ended, we said goodbye, and that was it.

Frankly not a horrible conversation, maybe even a first step towards reconnection.

Last night that same mutual friend called me again: My ex fell off the wagon hard. She’s holed up in her apartment, drunk, demanding other friends bring her alcohol and refusing to let them in when they show up not carrying alcohol because they don’t want to enable her. Dozens of calls/texts to them. Just a complete relapse in behavior, exactly what she used to do with me.

Thankfully she hasn’t yet tried to drag me back into this. No drunk calls or texts to me. Maybe she knows that that would be the death knell of any potential reconnection, but the less charitable portion of my mind thinks it’s more likely she’s just too drunk to know how to get my number back into her phone after she deleted my info. Either way I’m free and clear, and I can stay uninvolved with a completely clear conscience.

If only my conscience would accept that we’re clear. ‘Cause all those old thoughts “Check in” and “Offer to help” are still popping up.

#My life #Alcoholism #Alcohol

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revisionaryhistory · 4 years

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Three Days ~ 69

~*~Sebastian~*~

Emma is not the first woman to learn to say I love you in Romanian. She is the first one to learn it so I'd hear it attached to my name. Until she asked me the question, I had no idea I had a preference or how much having someone put in the effort for me to hear it would mean to me.

I want to stay like we are right now. The feel of her in my lap, pressed against, and holding on to me is the most relaxing and comforting feeling. I thought Celie was crazy when she had wished Emma was with me after our last session. Now, I understand. Emma waiting for me to do the thing that trips me up, knowing it, and her expression when I realized I'd done it. As Celie had said, the comfort and acceptance were more than I could imagine. I don’t know what could be better.

I'd immediately caught Emma saying "that summer" instead of "rehab." I knew from what Eli had said, and what Emma hadn't, that there was more than she was saying. Her slip was good. She was trusting me. Her lack of trust had no more to do with me than me not wanting to admit my fear had to with her. All either of us could do was to be a safe place for the other to grow. I've heard about this safe place but never been there before.

I didn't want to pretend I hadn't noticed her slip. That would have both of us lying. I did want her to know I was going to leave it alone. I believe if and when it's something I need to know, she'll tell me. My Emma does not hide from difficult conversations.

Little did I know we were about to have another one.

Emma started a trail of kisses on my neck and wound up at my mouth. After a very nice kiss, she sat back. I dropped my hands to her hips, waiting for whatever was coming. "Since your fans have decided you’re about to propose, we should discuss."

I laughed. For many reasons. I should have known from the way she'd reacted and her apparent inability not to not talk about things that this conversation was coming. This conversation being the last one I wanted to have. Ever. My laughter might have been more psychotic than humor. "Were your kisses to distract your commitment phobic boyfriend from having a panic attack?"

"Are you?"

"Having a panic attack? Not yet."

She shook her head, "Commitment phobic."

Yes, definitely. Maybe? I shrugged, "Fuck if I know." I hadn't thought about my impending proposal since Olivia had mentioned it. Very unlike me, but I'm getting used to these surprises.

"I'd rather you didn't."

"Have a panic attack?"

"Propose."

I closed my eyes, shook my head, and laughed again. The reason is unclear. I really should be having a panic attack. I'm not even close. Also, not even close to proposing. Possibly verging on psychotic that I’m allowing this conversation.

Emma ignored me. "Marriage has never been a goal for me. I'm not against it, but I'm not sold on the whole premise. My parents have a more business like marriage."

I was surprised, "They don't love each other?"

"I don't know. They may love each other but I don't think they’re in love. They're very tangled together personally and professionally. If I have to pretend I'm unhappy so Amy doesn't relapse they have to avoid divorce. It's not like I don't have good role models for marriage. Ed and Jill are still crazy in love. They were together ten years and Harper was two before Ed proposed. I don't know why they decided to do it." She paused and looked lost, like my question had interrupted her train of thought. I saw when she found her place. "What I was saying... if it was important to my partner, that's different. It's not something I need. It makes sense for health insurance or tax purposes. Otherwise," she shrugged, "not so much. Vows and paperwork don't guarantee anything or give me what I want."

Emma is still in my lap. My hands are still on her hips. Hers have moved down low on my biceps. We are still close. I am still present in this conversation and not starting a fight or trying to get out of it. Instead, I'm going to ask a question to which I care about the answer. "What do you want?"

"Nothing that will surprise you." Emma smiled and laid her fingers over the spot on my side. She didn't even have to look down to find it. "I want words whispered in the dark after making love, glances across a room, whole conversations without speaking, voices so loud the neighbors complain because of fighting so hard to make it right." She frowned and shook her head. "Paperwork and a ceremony won't give me that."

"No, it won't." I said very calmly. Emma laid her head back on my shoulder and I ran my fingers along her back and in her hair. "Do you want my opinion on my impending proposal?"

"No." Emma laughed, sat back, put her hands on my face, and kissed me. "You're not sure if you're freaking out about the conversation or because you're not freaking out. I don’t think you’re sure what your opinion is."

She wasn't wrong. "I'm ok with not knowing. Are you?"

"Do you love me?" The corner of her mouth started to curve.

So did mine, "Yes"

"That's all I need you to know."

I full-on smiled, "Then I got you covered."

She moved her hands around in between us and on my stomach, "This whole conversation was to eliminate expectation and pressure."

Yet again she both works around and through my shit. My lips were a tight line as I shook my head and slid my hand under and into her hair, "What am I going to do with you?"

"Oh, I bet you have some ideas."

"Only about a hundred." I pulled her closer, bringing her to my open mouth. The taste of her, the soft touch of her tongue against mine, the warmth of her mouth made everything alright, but there was nothing wrong. Nothing at all wrong.

Emma's fingers were in my hair when she moved back to meet my eyes, "What do you need, Sebastian?"

"Nothing I don't have in my lap."

I absolutely hate the split second of thought that she's playing me. She's not. I don't think she is. The thought came and went. She wouldn’t. I have no doubts.

Her arms went around my neck and she nuzzled against my ear, "It's ok if you wonder if I’m lying to make you feel safe and then trap you. Because you know better.”

I moved away and glared at her. "How do you do that? Are you a witch?"

"Absolutely. Every Friday before the last full moon I did a seeking spell."

"Don't you mean a love spell?"

"No. Didn't you see The Craft? Love spells don’t work the way people think they do." She gasped, "Or was it The Covenant? Wait, you're the witch."

"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife." Given the rest of this conversation, the Princess Bride quote seemed appropriate. We both started laughing. I love laughing.

I don't know when the right time to talk about shit is, but I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be having this conversation if not for fan comments. There’s more coming. I'm going to get it all out there. Might be too much, but fuck it. "Next up is wondering if you're pregnant."

Emma cringed, "I'm not."

"We're not engaged either. Reality is irrelevant. Let’s just get this out of the way. I love kids. I love how excited they get, how real everything is, the questions and how they take things in. They're like people. Only better." Emma smiled and nodded. "There's a lot of baggage around having kids, from me being one, but I do want kids. Plural."

"Me too."

I gave her a questioning look. I wasn't sure exactly what she was agreeing to.

"I want kids, plural, and also have baggage."

"Excellent, We're even." She nodded and gave me a thumbs up. We were going from serious conversation to play. I laughed and gently punched her shoulder, “Glad we had this little talk.”

Emma grabbed my face with one hand, squeezed my cheeks, “I was only addressing the engagement rumor. You went for babies.”

“I said I love you first.”

“I told you I was falling in love with you the night we kissed.”

The way she kept a straight face was incredible. I screwed up my face and held up a finger, “One, you never used the word love.” I put up another finger, “Two, it might have been the same night, but we were way past kissing. I distinctly remember being naked, satisfied, and tired.”

“It was still the night we kissed.”

I looked up and moved my head around, “Technically.”

Emma puffed out a breath, narrowing her eyes, “Fine, you win.”

“Oh, I think we’ve both won.” I kissed her, but backed away quickly. “Actually there is something I need.”

“What’s that?”

Her fingers in my hair threatened to derail my train of thought. “I need to meditate.” It occurred to me this might be bad timing. “Nothing to do with the last half hour. I just usually meditate. I can start to tell when I haven’t.” Again, with the foot in my mouth. “Not that I’m feeling it.” I growled, “Let me try again. Meditation is something I do to keep myself level. If I don’t meditate for a couple of days I start to notice. I usually meditate sometime right before and after I see you. We’re going to be together for over a week. I need to meditate sometime. I know you don’t care if I do. It’s just not something that’s been part of us.” There was an equivalent for her. “Like you don’t practice guitar while I’m around.”

“That’s my zen. I have too much of a monkey mind to sit in silence. I don’t understand what focus on your breath means. Am I counting, noticing the in and out of my stomach, noticing the air passing through my nose? I get too focused on if I’m doing it right. I love a good guided meditation. I need something to focus on.”

She’s very cute. “How about this. I meditate. You do a guided meditation or read or whatever. Then you practice and I’ll watch.”

“You want me to sit with you?”

I nodded, “I do. Not always.” I ran my hands up her back. “You feel good. I want you near.” She stood up and took my hand. I started to smile, “I should warn you. I think I’m going to be pretty turned on after guitar practice.”

“There’s a bonus.”

It took a little while for me to focus and let my thoughts go. Despite the seriousness of our conversation, there'd been a lot of fun too. The only thing left hanging was my opinion on marriage. My opinion is pretty close to hers. It's tangled up with wanting kids and I didn't want to go into everything. There's nothing I have a problem with her knowing, but we're not there yet. And frankly, I'd had enough. I’d put us out there and had a conversation about marriage and kids. Two out of the three I’d brought up and the other was a consequence of the picture. Historically I don't do any of those, at least without a lot of kicking and screaming. Emma had said she was proud of me. I was proud of myself too. I wasn't feeling overwhelmed, and saying enough assured that. We'd covered a lot of ground, both of us, and both were not ready to go into what I'm sure is our darkest places.

Meditating was ninety percent maintenance and ten percent current. The current was trying not to overthink, to let the conversation and feelings be what they were. They were good. I wanted Emma to sit with me because whether it's real or in my mind I can feel her. The comfort and acceptance, I need, no, I want to keep beside me.

My timer went off and I took a few deep breaths before opening my eyes. Emma was right where I left her, sitting on the couch behind me sitting on the floor. She was scrolling through something on her phone, putting it down when I turned around and crawled over her. I knelt between her legs and held her face while I kissed her, "Thank you."

Her hands held me right behind my armpits, "Anytime."

"Where's your guitar?"

"Guest room."

I jerked a little, "I've never been in that room." I stood up, taking her hand, and heading up the stairs. "Do you play something specifically for practice or just play?"

"I have some specific warm-up things then just play. I have an app that holds music and switch to learning something new after I’ve had some fun. I've usually got a few things I’m working on."

We entered the room and Emma clicked on the light. I got past the entryway and gasped when I looked around. The gasp turned to a laugh, "First thought was where did you get all these Pearl Jam posters?"

Emma smiled, "There is a storage unit with all the merch. I go shopping." She led me to the corner, "Acoustic and electric. What do you want to hear?"

"Weeks ago was acoustic. Electric ok?"

"Yep!" She picked up the blue guitar and checked the plugs before turning it on. "I need to warm up my fingers then you can look through, pick out whatever you want. Can't promise it will be good but I'll learn it."

"Can we take a guitar to my place? Continue the meditate and practice thing."

"Let’s make sure you’re not bored to tears first"

I grabbed her for a kiss, “I won’t be."

Being close while Emma warmed up I am sure I can not play guitar. Each hand doing something different, but with perfect timing. I don't have that coordination of fine motor skills. Gross motor is my thing. I can quickly learn a fight scene or something physical. I walked around for weeks playing with that knife to get my fingers to cooperate. After about five minutes she was ready to play something real.

There was a large screen iPad attached to a stand and pedal. Emma opened the program and showed me how she had things organized. I went to her file of "Favorites" and picked one.

After the second, I asked," You don't sing while you play?" She wasn’t, but I knew she could.

"Not usually. I'm working on technique and getting the music right. I do for fun and sometimes singing along makes my fingers work better. Plus, my guitar playing is much better than my singing. I'm good at guitar but only a passable singer."

I did exactly what I expect from her when talking about my performance. I told the truth. "I think you're better than passable. You're not Adele, but I enjoy listening to you."

Her expression said she was amused. "Let me practice some more, then I’ll do something for you."

I winced and closed my eyes, "So turned on."

I picked a few more from her favorites and the file of things she knew. She took over choosing from the "working" folder. I liked watching her repeating sections to get them right, her frustration when she stumbled, and her satisfaction when she got it. She worked through sections before going back to play through. After working through a few songs she put the electric guitar down and picked up the acoustic. "Requests?"

"You pick. There's not a folder for things you can sing along to."

"This is true." Emma immediately started playing. I recognized "Stay" by Lisa Loeb and smiled. The smile stayed in place until she ended the impromptu concert with the INXS song from the party. Not sure if she was finished, but I was.

I crooked my finger, "Come here." Emma put her guitar on the stand and walked over, standing between my legs with her arms resting on my shoulders. I ran my hands up her thighs, over her hips, and lifted her shirt enough to kiss her stomach, "It's been too long since I've been inside you."

"Are you having withdrawal symptoms?"

"Definitely."

She reached between my legs, her grip tight, "This is a problem. Are you in pain?"

I hissed in a breath with her stroking me, "If I say yes will you kiss it and make it better?"

"Absolutely." Emma let go of my cock, moved her hand under my chin to turn my face up, and kissed me. It was a slow kiss with a quick swipe of tongue. Enough to have me wanting more. I always want more. Her fingers ran over my beard as she pulled away. "Stay here. Take off your pants. I’ll be right back."

Her shirt came flying at me from the hall while I was taking off my shorts. She was back in under thirty seconds, naked, and holding a strip of condoms. Those were dropped on the bed as she knelt where she had been standing. "Let's see what I can do to help you out?"

I leaned back on my hands, watching. Emma’s right hand held me at the root, holding my cock steady, while she licked me. Little licks where I liked best and long licks up my length. I liked the tease. I liked watching her tongue against my skin as my brain registered the soft, warm, wetness. She went lower to give my balls the same attention. I dropped my head back with her gentle sucking and her hand running along my length. Her free hand went up my chest and to my face. I turned my head and sucked her thumb into my mouth, using my tongue to circle her thumb like she had the head of my cock. Emma took the hint and moved her mouth back to my cock, sliding her mouth down until I felt the head of my cock contact the back of her throat. She swallowed around me, creating an amazing grip on sensitive spots.

"Love when you do that. When you're trying to swallow me."

Emma backed up, running her tongue around my head a few times before taking me deep again. I pulled my shirt over my head and laid back on my elbows on the bed. I wanted to keep watching until I was inside her. I tore open a condom and handed it to her. I was treated to watching her put it on me with her mouth. "Didn't know you could do that."

Emma kissed my hip before placing a sucking kiss on my side that wrenched a moan from me. "What fun would it be if you knew all my tricks at once."

She had a point. "Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue too?"

Emma laughed and paused her ascent up my torso. "I was a little sister in a fraternity. What do you think?"

"I think I'm buying you an Amaretto Sour." Stupid bar trick, but still fun, because I know what her tongue can do.

My eyes drifted shut and I took in the feeling of her mouth and hands. Her fingers were all over, which was a nice contrast to the directness of her kisses. As she crept higher, I laid my head to the side, smiling with the first touch of her lips to my neck. I shivered at the contact.

I was being the world's laziest lover. My hands were barely even touching her. She just felt so good. The sucking, the kisses, the touching, all lighting up my nerves. I put a little effort in when her mouth met mine. However, she was quickly gone and on to the other side of my neck. Emma ran her tongue around the shell of my ear. I hoped my moan sounded appreciative.

"Do you want me to fuck you, Sebastian?"

Hello!

My eyes popped open, "I think I would like that very much." Silencing me with a kiss, I felt Emma's hand around me again. She pushed up, leaving a hand in the middle of my chest, and sank down on my cock. Emma's eyes drifted closed with a moan turned sigh, "Such a good fit."

I couldn't disagree, "Yeah." She moved along my length, switching up the movement of her hips and tightening her inner muscles. She looked as good as she felt, pleasure written on her face.

I continued my speaking only participation. "Feels good, baby."

Emma laid over to kiss me and I ran my hands up her thighs to grab her ass. She sat back up and continued riding me.

"Touch yourself for me."

There's a sight. Without question she did as I asked, her fingers going between her legs and moving against her clit. Her rhythm on my cock didn't change. Fuck, I liked watching her getting us both off.

Emma reached further back, her fingers on my cock as it entered her, "Who's going to come first?"

"I'd like that to be you."

"Would you?"

I smiled. Slow and dirty. "I wanna feel it."

She ground down on me and focused on herself, barely pulsing her hips "You want to feel me tighten up and come all around your cock?"

"That's exactly what I want. To be buried deep inside you when you come. I want to watch too."

"Let me help you out." She put a hand behind her, between my legs, and leaned back.

I did enjoy the view. I grabbed a pillow and shoved it behind my head, raising my head up enough to see better. I could see my cook, slick with her where I entered her body, and where her fingers were rubbing. Her eyes were closed and her body moved in waves. She needed to come quick or I would.

"Bastian, gonna come."

"Oh, thank god." I hadn't meant to say that out loud.

Emma looked at me and started to laugh, but was stopped by her orgasm. Her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth dropped open, and her body stopped moving. I felt her tighten around me, each pulse pushing me closer to my own release. The hand between her legs moved to my chest to support herself as she lowered herself to kiss me. I wanted to suck the taste of her off her fingers. I stretched up as she pulled away.

She whispered, "Your turn."

Unexpectedly she pulled off my cook and went back to kneeling by the bed. She replaced the condom with her mouth. "Fuck, Emma." She worked me fast. Going from the all over feeling inside her to the concentrated feel of her tongue right where I needed it. Felt so good and I held on for as long as I could. Emma took me deep and I cried out for her as I came.

Emma's fingernails raking down my inner thigh sent a shiver of aftershock through me. She kissed below my belly button, "Feel better?"

"I was feeling good before, but sure." I stretched my arms out to the sides and arched my back with a shit eating grin on my face.

Emma gasped and propelled herself up my body, landing on me with an “Oof.”

I laughed, “That was a wrong answer?” I flipped us over, trapping her on the bed.

She laughed and tried to push me off. “Where was all this energy fifteen minutes ago?”

I pinned her hands, “I was conserving.”

“Liar.”

I kissed her, “Yes.” I kissed her again, deeper. She wasn’t fighting me anymore. Not that she ever was. “I liked being lazy.”

“When I tie you to the bed and do wicked things to you I’m also gagging you so you can’t make your wants known.”

“Na, you like hearing me moan too much.” I nudged her face to the side and kissed her neck. Once softly. The second time longer with my mouth open and tongue making nonsense patterns. I let go of her hands because I wanted them on me. One went to my back and the other went into my hair. Perfect. I moved further down the slope of her neck, knowing I was in the right place when her grip tightened. Her nails dug into my back and she pulled my hair just a little.

“Mmm, I do enjoy that.”

“Come on.” I pushed away from her, standing up and taking her hand, “I need more room to work.”

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan fanfiction #fanfiction #sebastian stan X ofc #marvel actor fanfiction

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dropintomanga · 4 years

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Regarding That CODA Anti-Piracy Campaign

So I found out that this is a thing.

CODA (Japan’s Content Overseas Distribution Agency) decided to do a manga campaign featuring 16 manga stories from notable mangaka (list of mangaka can be be found here) about anti-piracy in order to stop readers from reading manga on scanlation and/or unofficial raw sites. The theme of every manga in this campaign is basically read legal manga with lessons featuring each respective mangaka’s series and characters (i.e. Adachitoka and Noragami’s Yato and Yukine).

As of July 3, 2020, all the comics are out. They give off important messages about anti-piracy with humor, anger, and grace. I just don’t know who they are trying to convince at this point.

A big problem is the issue of awareness and education when it comes to topics that no one may care about (yet). I see this in mental health. While we have things like Mental Health Awareness Month, suicide rates continue to rise, people with mental illness continue to be ignored and the mental health system continues to be in shambles. The problem with promoting “awareness” is that it doesn’t point out notable actions one can take after hearing about what they are now aware of. It just doesn’t feel measurable. There are fine people who want to know how to help, but you need to tell them how.

Now there’s one CODA manga story that does tell people to look for legal manga apps/volumes containing an official sign of legitimacy, which is labeled “ABJ - Authorized Books of Japan.” But almost all of these stories don’t really provide useful advice on how to support the Japanese manga industry. They just tell you to do the right thing.

I worry about the hyperbole shouting in some of the manga. One manga has a character going “Do you want manga to be wiped off the face of the earth!?” in an effort to shame someone who read illegal manga on their phone. Another character in another manga said that the industry loses 3.2 billion yen per year (a number I find very hard to believe). There is a big danger to manga in Japan, but piracy is only part of the picture.

There’s also something that bothers me - some mangaka featured in the campaign know that a good number of fans are naive about pirated manga and see the good in people. However, while there are multitudes of legal manga options available in Japan, the same can’t be said for most of the world that’s not America, France, England or any notable first-world country. Region locks are still a thing and Japan is super-notorious for this.

For an organization that’s focused on overseas promotion of content, region-locking shouldn’t be a thing if you do see the good in people who are willing to support manga as best they can.

I wish mangaka didn’t have to resort to drawing stories telling fans to not pirate their works. I know there are fans who wish a service that has everything (Spotify, Crunchyroll, Netflix, etc.) is the perfect solution. I just don’t know if it will make a difference because reading isn’t highly valued as a leisure activity overseas compared to Japan. The number of anime viewers still dwarf over the number of manga readers.

I feel like nothing is going to change. However, I do have one suggestion that probably will never be taken. Train mangaka to be more of a visual online content creator-type a la Twitch streamers. With art streams being more of a thing on Twitch, the timing is perfect. This idea came to me as I listened to a fascinating podcast about the psychology of Twitch donations. Basically, it talked about why do Twitch users donate money and subscribe to streamers.

There was this caveat about research on Twitch donations in that the people who donate/subscribe often make low-to-moderate income. So what compels them to give? Why are they willing to support streamers? While content is still a major reason, another key is an emotional connection that’s experienced via the visual medium that is the stream. There’s some kind of meaningful interaction via Twitch chat as streamers do mention users by name and thanking them for the support.

The researcher in the featured podcast believes the days of “the internet is always free” are becoming a thing of the past. This is true as more industries are figuring out how to make money via the internet that works for them and their consumers. The researcher also argued that having just content isn’t enough to make money on the internet. She said that if you’re not going to make easy all-in-one solutions (i.e. a Netflix-like manga app), then you better deliver added value to the consumer that isn’t just more content and makes them feel appreciative.

Right now, there’s very little-to-no visual emotional connection/community between the manga industry/creators and the fans at all. Everything’s all about content without feeling visual attachment to the manga creator. I see manga publishers promoting special editions with extra goods like OVAs/charms/etc. Those feel more like incentives than rewards as they don’t really change fans’ behavior. There has to be some added value alongside the manga in the form of community (this is one major reason why Crunchyroll has thrived). Maybe overseas fans need to feel that their voices really matter to mangaka or want mangaka on a video platform to acknowledge them in a para-social kind of way in order for them to provide some monetary support.

In Japan, mangaka get letters from fans and they talk about them from time-to-time. Sometimes, those letters do get mentioned online. I would love to see talks of fan letters via video form as a way to reach online audiences.

I do feel that manga publishers outside of Japan are trying their best as they do get mangaka and manga editors to come over to their countries. They are generating community as best they can, but they are still limited in scope since they don’t have control of what the entire Japanese manga industry says. I don’t envy anyone who works in manga because of this.

To be fair, I can’t expect every mangaka to start streaming on platforms like Twitch/Nico due to privacy reasons and general shyness. Sure, there’s Twitter, but how often does social media lead to donations? Rarely. Mangaka also have no time to worry about what overseas readers are into when they have to worry about their own country. Publishers may not also totally understand how streaming works as promotion and the intentions of its users. Look up Atlus Japan and Persona 5 streaming as an example of Japanese companies being unnecessarily wary of streaming. Japanese companies arguably want an absurd amount of control when it comes to promoting their messages to overseas audiences.

I don’t want to bring up Stu Levy, but he once tweeted years ago that the games industry seemed better to work with than the book publishing industry. I hate to admit that there’s a grain of truth in what he said despite whatever you think of him. Seeing Japanese manga publishers continue to struggle with how to handle piracy makes think about Levy’s words.

I think a more reasonable goal at this point is to get fans to pirate less manga over time. You can’t expect every fan to quit pirating 100% right away. It never works that way. There will be relapses and we have to be forgiving of that. Relapse is part of the healing process. Shaming someone who may continue to make mistakes from time-to-time (instead of believing they can still heal via good planning) makes them go more all-in on hiding their “bad” behaviors. I mean, as someone with mental illness, I was afraid of making mistakes as I didn’t want to be yelled at. I was told that failure was awful. It made me feel I would never be loved if I wasn’t perfect despite my best efforts. Is this something we want manga fans to experience?

CODA’s manga website URL has the word “enlightenment” in it. The only enlightening thing right now is that we still haven’t reached a solid middle ground that truly bridges manga fans and the manga industry together and financially rewards both to create a manga ecosystem that’s as good as the anime ecosystem today.

#manga #manga industry #psychology #piracy #anti-piracy

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kileyrose-2003 · 5 years

Text

Dan Torrance x Fem! Reader

A/N: Hello lovelies! This imagine was requested by @o-yoongi-o I hope you enjoy. Sorry it took so long. I had a long week.

Being the youngest at any work place was never the easiest to begin with, add in the factor of working in a small town where you had to practically claw your way to the top makes it even harder.

You just graduated from nursing school when Dan showed up on the bus to Frazier. It was his lowest point in his life and he was just so lost and confused.

When John introduced you to him at first, you practically feel the fear radiating off of him. The fear of relapse was an everyday occurence but AA helped with that and eventually you did too.

It took a while for you to get close him but you did make your way in. You started of going to movies, then dinner, to AA. Then you finally got your first date with him.

He was unsure about the whole thing at first but over time you became his anchor. Nights when he felt insecure of himself he slowly came to you before he came to Billy and your touch made him feel whole. It was the longest time since he had someone hug him or even hold his hand without the slightest bit of ill will.

You were currently working a night shift at the hospice with Dan. It was quiet and you had your feet propped up on the desk.

"Book any good?" You held your hand up. "I guess it's alright." You set it down on the counter. "How much time do we got left?"

"About an hour and I've still got a ton of beds to make," Dan groaned. You giggled and smirked at him. "Wow, shocker. Don't like making the bed at home or at work."

Dan rolled his eyes and whacked the side of your arm with the book. "Harassment in work place and at home."

You shook your head and laughed, earning glances from some of the other nurses. "And you're getting me in trouble," You joked. "Anyways, I'm going to finish up my closing duties."

Dan nodded. "Hey, Billy texted me early. They cancelled the AA meeting because of an impending snow storm. Do you want to go out to breakfast before the weather gets bad?"

"Yeah." You nodded. "I'll meet you at your apartment that way you can get changed?" He stood up from his rolling chair. "Sounds good." He pecked your cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too honey." You returned the gesture before going seperate ways.

You walked over to one of the storage closets and picked up your clipboard to do inventory before turning your attention to the box of saline solution.

"..Well isn't it obvious that he's desperate? She's clearly the only one that would sleep with him." You heard a snide voice say from down the hallway.

You stopped what you were doing and dimmed the light in the store room, pressing your head against the door.

"That's even if she is old enough to sleep with him." You knew the other two girls. They were nurses on the opposite shift.

"Please, Y/n is 29. She's definitely old enough to sleep with him." She scoffed. "Yeah but not by much. Dan's 40 and a drunk. Why would any girl want to sleep with an ex alcoholic?"

"Because he's fooling her. No person with a 11 year age gap with someone truly like the other person. It's purposely for sex."

You felt a sting pain in your heart. That couldn't be true. You loved Dan and he loved you, didn't he? He seemed like he did but was it possible he was using and abusing you like people did to him in the past?

It was possible and a feeling of vulnerability set inside of you. As soon as you got the chance to you snuck of the store room closet and made your way to break room to clock out.

You didn't care if it was early. You wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. You thought when you got back to Dan's apartment, the feeling would subside but it didn't.

You still felt same pit in the base of your stomach. Around 7:30 you heard keys being inserted into the lock and the front door opened. "Baby, I'm home."

"Hey." You hummed softly as you looked at yourself in the mirror. "You done getting ready? All I got to do is shower in change."

"Yeah." You picked your makeup off the bathroom sink and set it down on your dresser. Dan was looking at you intently. "What's the matter?"

"It's nothing." You waved your hand in an air of dismissiveness. "It was nothing you'd be smiling more." His retort was met with silence. "..we can stay in if you want to."

You giggled in a way to distract yourself. "I just..I just don't want you to waste all your money and time on me." You averted eye contact and he frowned. "W-what? Honey, don't say that..you know how much I love you."

"Do you really?" Your eyes began to water and he nodded. "Yes, more than anything. Baby, what's the matter?" He cupped your face gently in his hands. "People talk you know and I know it sounds silly but it just gets to my head sometimes. It made me question whether you really liked me or not."

"If I didn't want to be with you, or didn't love you, I would of never began a relationship with you. Whatever those bastards said to you is not true. I love you with all my being." Dan planted a kiss on your forehead.

"I love you too. I just felt so scared because the thought of you just keeping me here just for kicks hurt so much inside." Tears started flowing down your cheeks in uneven waves and he held you close.

"Hey, look at me. I would never purposely or intentionally try to hurt you ever. I love you so much." He placed a kiss gently on your lips. "More than anyone I've ever been with. You make me feel safe."

He paused for a moment and ran his fingers through your hair, almost as if to reassure himself that you were really there. "I know I'm not the most open person at times but what we have is the most stable relationship and life I've had in a while. Whenever I feel down or have the urge to slip up and drink, I think of you. How sad you would be and it pulls me back. It's like you're my anchor. The very thought of hurting you pains me. You could have anyone in the world if you really wanted but you have me."

You wrapped your arms around his neck. Both of your eyes met, glistening with tears. "Nobody else I'd rather be with." He smiled softly and lifted you up in his arms. Peppering your face in kisses.

You ran your hands up and down his back. Your nails lightly scratched at Dan's back. It drove him mad. "You're so beautiful, inside and out." He sat down with you in his lap.

"So are you. I don't care about your past. You've worked so hard to change and I'm so proud of you. You're a good man, Danny."

"I don't deserve you." He caressed your cheek. "Don't say that. You know you do." You laid your head on his chest. "Danny?"

"Yeah, Y/n?" He tightened his grip on you and you looked him deep in the eye. All that you seen in his gaze was pure love and you knew you could truly trust him."I think I'm ready to take it to the next stage with you." Dan carefully loosened his hold. "Y-you're sure?"

You nodded and pecked his cheek. "I'm sure." He gently pushed you back on his bed and trailed kisses down your clothed torso.

You ran your fingers through his hair, admiring his physique as he did so. "Such a beautiful man." You hummed.

You could tell he was starting to mark which you normally would of protested at but this time you didn't mind. He was so gentle with you and every time he touched you, you felt yourself swelling up inside.

"You're an angel..so gorgeous." You could feel him slowly making his way down. Dan looked down at your jeans, his chin resting on your clothed thighs. "May I?"

You nodded and gestured to his sweater. "May I as well." Soon enough you both found yourself in a race to undress each other. Taking in each other's assets as you did so. The very look of him made you mad for him. You wanted him desperately.

When you finished he pressed you back against his mattress, the head board banging against the wall. You both cringed, knowing you'd have to avoid or ignore his land lady you went in and out.

Dan chuckled and you figured he must of been reading your thoughts. "Entertained by something, Daniel?"

He smiled and shook his lead, climbing atop of you that way he was straddling your hips. "Damn baby. So wet for me and we haven't even started yet."

"Stop talking and just please me," Dan laughed and slowly began to insert himself inside you. His shaft rubbed up against your walls the further he moved and you squirmed.

As soon as he was fully inside you, you breathed a sight of relief. "So tight, Y/n." He groaned and moved around inside you.

His thrust started out slow and gentle. It drove you mad at first and your walls clenched to the side of him. "H-honey? Faster please?" You tried your hardest to sound like you weren't begging.

"Of course, honey," Dan sped up his pace, his thrust quick and passionate. The floor board creeked, a symbol to the people below him on just exactly what you two were doing.

"I love you Danny. I love you so much." You dug your nails into his back and he groaned. "I love you too sweetheart."

His pace began to slow and you pulled his hair. "Don't stop! I think I'm going to come soon." You winced.

"Me too, beautiful. Stay strong." About a minute later you both were at your wits end. "You want to pull out or you wanna-"

You shook your head. "Stay with me." You buried your head in the crook of his neck as you both orgasmed.

It was a pleasure you never felt before and you wanted to live in it. Dan squeezed your hips as he pulled out. Flopping down next to you on his bed and pulling you close.

You both were panting like you ran a race but the feeling of requited love remained the air between the two of you.

"If I could spend the rest of my life like this with you, I would." You laid your head on his chest. "You can if you want."

You looked at up him. "How?" Dan kissed your forehead. "It doesn't have to be now but at some point in the future, I'm open to getting married..only if you're comfortable with it, of course."

You sloppily kissed him on the lips. "You idiot. Of course I am." Dan grinned and kissed you back. "I love you, Y/n."

"I love you too, Y/n," Later on you both fell asleep in each other's arms content on knowing you had your Dan and he had you.

#dan torrance #danny torrance #doctor sleep #dr sleep #the shining #imagine #x reader #smut #fem reader

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