#I mean I do still exhibit not well about that man behaviors such as saying he was right to blow up the chantry

[flashhwing]

y’know what I may be one of Those Anders Fans but at least I like the other characters y’know?

[malewifesband]

i see it often that people do not see laios liking kabru, but in reality laios does like kabru! quite a lot for a guy that (from his perspective) he just met! laios forgetting kabrus exact name is not evidence of disinterest in any way--hes only heard it a couple of times, he struggles with small details (unless you want to argue laios also doesnt give a shit about marcille, chilchuck and senshi, he also forgets small details about them. if you do think this, i think dungeon meshi may be too advanced for you. stick to bluey.), and the man has autism. like near explicitly.

laios offers food from their limited supplies because kabru showed an interest in eating monsters, and makes him an omelette so he can have something to eat even though other food was already being prepared. he listens to kabrus criticism of his behavior and mindset in trying to protect falin even though she was straight up killing people, and tries to drag kabru to safety. he watches kabru defuse the situation between himself and toshiro masterfully, and confides in him how hurt he is that toshiro is so angry and how he mustve done something truly awful to upset him like that. when kabru tells him that meeting him was the best part of his time in the dungeon, laios agrees and says its the same for him (remember: laios doesnt do empty platitudes well--if he said it, he meant it).

when kabru leaves, we get three fucking panels in a row of laios staring after him, flexing the hand kabru was just holding, and reflecting on kabrus words ("next time..?")

when kabru shows up again deep in the dungeon, chilchuck is suspicious, but laios is so excited to see him that he throws caution to the wind and lets kabru hold his hand again despite seconds later crossing succubus off his list of shapeshifters that could be appearing as kabru--a carelessness around monsters and danger laios rarely exhibits. when kabru gives his warning about the canaries, laios is grateful. he notices how often kabru saves his skin

when lycion reveals that kabru lied about wanting to eat the omelette laios made, it breaks his heart because he made that with love! he made it for kabru, and kabru didnt like it, and now he knows kabru was just playing at friendship to use him. that breaks his heart, hes distraught, but he doesnt have time to be hurt about it when marcille needs his help urgently so he turns to run to her. he apologizes to kabru and tries to leave again. he isnt listening to what kabru is saying here because kabru was just revealed as a liar and because it doesnt really cohere (kabru is stuttering and speaking in broken sentences as he tries to explain about the dungeons power) and he needs to save marcille

he doesnt believe kabru wanted to be his friend, because who would? why would laios be special enough, loveable enough, to go through the pains kabru went through, just to be his friend? but when kabru makes the intensity of his desire known, laios promises to feed him again, at a proper restaurant --and again, food is care for laios, to feed someone is to love them. marcille is still his priority bc she is in real danger but he means what he says, he really does want to start over with kabru and be real friends with him

once we hit the resolution of the story, kabru near glues himself to laios, helping him and trying to cement himself as a right-hand man, and making known his intent to support laios no matter what. in the medieval manuscript style epilogue, kabru is one of two friends that stick by laios as he becomes king. both marcille and kabru become the people closest to him (besides falin of course), two friends who will always support him, always let him know when hes fucked up and theyre mad at him, two friends who he can rely on. laios did not have to accept kabru as an advisor, he did not have to ask him to stay with him. he did that because after everything, he trusts kabru now, and knows he can count on him

while laios doesnt give any big monologues about what he likes about kabru, its very clear he does, and we know what things laios values in other people. he appreciates kabrus social skills (very clear in the post canon comic in the adventurers bible), his intelligence, that kabru WANTS to be around him and understand him even though its difficult, his strength, and frankly he does appreciate his charm (three fucking panels straight of staring after him). laios really values people with specialized skillsets who are willing to tell him frankly what they think and advise him in areas he is weak in (something we see in his relationship with... i was gonna say namari but its everyone. he does this with everyone he likes. and in the resolution kabru does this CONSTANTLY he does not go a panel without giving laios his professional opinion on how to deal with people).

in conclusion: arent you hungry, kabru? let laios make something for you

[risestarkiss]

Being Baby Blue

Rise Ramblings #313

Leonardo Hamato is…an interesting individual.

As a middle child, he doesn’t have to shoulder the responsibilities of the oldest, nor is he fawned upon or babied over like the youngest. Therefore, he ends up having more of a lackadaisical approach to life.

In his free time, instead of training like Raph, Leo can normally be found reading comic books.

And for good reason! Someone has to be up on the latest issues of Jupiter Jim and his space odysseys.

But, other than being a Jupiter Jim superfan, who is Leonardo Hamato?

If you ask Leo, he's...*takes out a list*: “Primetime,” “First,” “The Best,” “Number One,” “The Champion,” or some other iteration of all of the above.

...Huh. Anyways...

Of course, the first thing Leo would tell you is that he's the team's "Face Man."

As the "Face Man," he’s the one that turns up the charm when they need to schmooze their way out of, or into, something.

He's the face of the group! It's a very important title, right?

Well, in this scene with Hueso, we learn what Leo really feels about his place on the team.

"There's no team with just a face man." "I'm nothing without them."

Hmm. If he thinks that he is nothing without his brothers, then what's the deal with all of this "Number One" and "Champion" talk?

I believe that Leo is exhibiting a form of Reaction Formation.

Reaction Formation is a primitive defense mechanism that involves transforming one's unacceptable feelings or emotions into the opposite.

"Solicitude may be a reaction-formation against cruelty...romantic notions of chastity and purity may mask crude sexual desires, altruism may hide selfishness, and piety may conceal sinfulness."

Leo has been creating these grandiose titles and this larger-than-life persona for himself as a means to cope with his feelings of insecurity, his anxieties, and combat his self-deprecation.

Gee, forming a larger-than-life persona to counteract their suppressed feelings also reminds me of someone else we know…

But, I digress...

Behind the fabrications, his insecurities, who he pretends to be, and who he wants to be, the real Leo is still on display, starting as early as the first episode.

He's attentive, he understands the team's strengths and weaknesses, he assesses situations, he comes up with great plans on the fly, and he is a voice of reason.

These are all the characteristics of a great leader.

However, something happens when he’s actually appointed as such.

There he goes again. He's cocky, arrogant, and act's as if he's unphased even by the prospect of loosing his brothers. If this is Reaction Formation, then what is he trying to mask with these behaviors?

Previously, he was masking his insecurities, his anxieties, and his self-deprecation, but with the faces he pulls when he thinks no one can see them, I want to say the newest emotion is fear.

He is terrified of being the leader and floundering under his new responsibilities. He's scared of the consequences of his actions, and what those consequences may mean for his brothers. However, instead of voicing his insecurities, or communicating with his team, he doubles down and falls back into old habits.

The "Face Man" persona is turned up to an 11, and things get worse and worse until...

His greatest fears have been realized.

He has failed as a leader. He has failed his brothers. He has failed to stop the invasion, and they are all going to die because of his failures.

Now he's faced with the harsh reality of his own mistakes, thus he finally faces himself.

"It's scary to be responsible for the lives you protect, your team...your family. But we do it anyway because that's what it means to be a hero."

He may be speaking to Raph, but he's talking about himself.

His words are his true feelings, the same feelings that have been holding him back this entire time. By opening up, he's able to surrender to himself and let it all go.

And it's the breakthrough we all have been waiting for.

What Leo doesn't know is that through letting go, he's able to become the true face of the group he is destined to be.

He's the face of hope.

○○○○

Previous | Being Big Red

Next | Being Purple ○ Part One • Being Purple ○ Part Two • Orange, Baby!

Finale | Being Hamato Yoshi

[cursedcola]

Prompt: "Will You Marry Me?" - Proposal Headcannons Characters: Everyone :) Part(s): Heartslabyul, Savanaclaw, Octavinelle, Scarabia(Here!), Pomefiore, Ignihyde, Diasomnia(Pt.1)(Pt.2) Fandom: Twisted Wonderland Warning(s): None. I mean, unless you don't want to marry any of them. Just don't read if that's the case. Note: There may be some comma splicing here and there. Sometimes doing bullet works is more difficult than full fics smh.

Kalim is a dreamer. His mind is full of visions of the past, present, and the future. Why else do we make memories, if not to reflect on them and imagine what is to come?

This is his outlook on life. He doesn't give energy to worries or threats. He physically can't, or else he'd likely fall into an endless abyss of self-doubt. Kalim has no space in his heart for such things.

His happy-go-lucky attitude combined with this free spirit results in a loose lip. He is constantly ranting and raving about his future by your side. Which is lovely, but his over-zealous behavior can cause others not to take him seriously.

Exhibit A: Kalim proposing. Now, is this Kalim *actually* planning to propose, or is it just him beginning his weekly rant about how cute he thinks your kids will look?

Kalim's heart is an open book. He doesn't care about other people's opinions. He loves you, so he's going to say it. Every. Single. Day.

Can you blame his siblings for not believing him? For his parents not taking him seriously? He comes home one random day and spouting a tangent to begin preparing for an engagement party which just sounds like common Kailm behavior.

Not even Jamil believes him. Not after countless years of hearing Kalim's lovesick Jargen. He just groans in exhaustion and signals for everyone to ignore it.

Sweet sunshine doesn't realize that he is being overlooked until he whips out a ring to ask his mother's opinion on it, and suddenly the room is drop dead silent.

Then uproar. All his siblings are crowding around to share his excitement and it's like the room's aura made a complete change. Kalim thrives in the attention and all the well wishes.

He hopes they'll be just as happy once you say yes! If not more!

.....cue Jamil's groan. Again. This time in frustration.

They should have know. Of course he would do all this before asking.

Bless you for your patience. With his parents' blessing, Kalim once again gets wrapped up in his excitement and runs off to visit you.

Moving on. This...overzealous...behavior Kalim exhibits does not only apply to his family and friends.

My dear, he has proposed many times to you in casual conversation. Dreaming of a big wedding with a feast to serve hundreds. He displays tooth-rotting infatuation to you on a daily basis.

Kalim sends flowers and fruit baskets to your home weekly. He cherishes you like you've been dating for months, not years. The man is stuck in the puppy love stage but for him it isn't a 'stage'. It's simply how he will always be. The spark has not dimmed. He still hums as he knocks on your door, bouncing on the balls of his feet, and shoves his shoes off with super speed to tackle you in a hug.

Get it?

This is why you are not taken aback by the rapid knocking on your door. Kalim stopping by on impulse just to see you is not rare. Although, he normally would send a plethora of texts while on his way.

Even so. You don't hesitate to dry your hands from cleaning dishes, and speed walk to the door. You can hear his shoes tap against the outdoor floor in anticipation, and swing the door open with a smile.

On the other side, is Kalim down on one knee with a hand aimed to knock again. When he sees you, the largest grin spreads on his face. You don't even get to question why he is on the ground-

"Marry Me!"

Used to his excitable greetings, you laugh heartily and throw the dishrag in your hand over your shoulder. "Mhm. Mhm. I missed you too," comes out between chuckles, as you turn around so he can let himself in. You miss the way his face falls and his lips purse, before he grabs your wrist and yanks. You twirl and stumble forward, catching yourself on the door frame, hunched over with your wrist still in his grasp.

Kalim is resolute, and you can't help but gawk as he pulls out a ring wrapped in a gold, silk handkerchief from his pocket

"Marry Me," he says again, this time more firm. His ruby hues lock with yours, and he looks both at and through you at the same time, "I love you. I want you. Only you,"

He says no more. There is a lifetime for flourishes, but right now Kalim only wants you to know what is in his heart.

When you don't back away, he slips the ring over your finger. His heart hammers in his chest in a mix of jubilation and happiness. Not a moment later you are in his arms, tackled to the ground in the doorway of your home. Kisses being peppered up your arms from your ring finger to your lips.

{A bright pink diamond sits amidst a sunburst cut, and is surrounded by other pure diamonds on a silver band. The biggest expression of wealth and devotion. This ring costs enough to make you feint, but is chosen with purpose. Many say Kalim is like the sun. Yet in his eyes, you are his sun. There is no comparison. Only fact. Pink diamonds symbolize love, creativity, and romance. You are his sun, with all his love residing at the core. Also, it’s just really shiny}

If mystery was embodied in a man, it would be Jamil. You never know what is going on in Jamil's mind. Sometimes he slips. Rarely. If you can fluster him enough or find him when he hasn't slept in days. Otherwise Jamil is a brick wall when it comes to his true emotions.

Especially when it comes to you. He has always been exceedingly careful. He is still careful. He takes no chances, but he loves your game. The way you can pick him apart, and how he always has to be one step ahead. It’s challenging. It’s exciting. It’s love.

You see how he holds back. That he reigns himself in. In the few years you have spent at his side, you've learned to read him in ways that other people cannot. There are times when you get to see him become overcome with passion. When he is dancing, or when he is broom racing with his dormmates. When he is cooking a new dish or haggling prices on shopping trips.

When he confessed his feelings. It was the greatest surprise since being transported to a new universe. You had no idea how he felt. Not an inkling. Had he not said anything….well, you may have gone your entire time at NRC believing your affections were unrequited. He had no tells. Permitted none for himself.

On one hand, his ability to dilute his emotions has created many opportunities for surprises. Getting to see those little moments of passion; being one. Each action of his has a meaning that only you understand. Every glance as you pass in the halls, the brush of his fingers against yours as you sit together to study, being allowed to braid his hair even if it’s just to “keep you quiet”, all his little quips and murmurs being whispered into your ear instead of under his breath.

On the other hand, there are still barriers. Some closed tightly and no matter how hard you search for a key - there isn’t one. It was broken a long time ago and only Jamil himself can remanufacture it. Sometimes his resilience makes it hard to tell what he is planning…which can be lonely.

In your final year at NRC, many things are uncertain. This place is all you have ever known in Twisted Wonderland. With it being taken away…you do not have a floor to stand on. On the other hand, Jamil looks fine, if not *eager*, to graduate. Neither of you addressed what would become of your relationship after graduating. Jamil had thought of it, no doubt. He thinks of everything. You had as well, but were afraid to ask. When it came to the future, Jamil was always so resolute. He knew his path in life and planned to continue carving it.

The question hanging in the air being if you’d be chiseling alongside him, or in a different direction. Unknown to you, Jamil had this problem solved long before you began to wonder - and he was one step ahead. As always.

A ring. Unassuming and in plain sight, sat on the rim of the windowsill above the kitchen sink. How did it get there? You do not know, but it caught your attention as you cleaned up from breakfast. The morning sun glistened against the band, and you carefully picked it up to twirl between your fingers.

An engagement ring, but whose?

“Well, are you going to put it on or just stare at it?”

You jump and nearly drop the ring in the kitchen sink. In the reflection of the window you see Jamil, leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed and his classic unamused deadpan. At your silence, he pushes off and comes to take the ring

“Last time I take advice from - ,” he grumbles and you miss the rest of it, too distracted with how he plucks the ring from your grasp, and holds your hand more gently than you ever thought he could. He stares down at it, content, and surprised you yet again with his tender touch“hmm…it fits. Good”

It slips on your finger smoothly, and he lifts your hand to wave in your face. This time, an unspoken communication passes between you. A promise that you are going to have a lifetime to pick apart those little mannerisms of his - and that he wants you to. He loves this game of secrets just as much as you do.

“Be my spouse. Go where I go, and we’ll be fine. Together….I can’t handle if you’re not near. I’ll lose my hair, do you want that? Want me to go bald?…come with me. You are the one happiness that I refuse to sacrifice,”

{ Rose gold with a floral cut and black gemstone accents. Jamil’s ring is small, unassuming, yet the closer you look the lore detail you will see carved into the gold band. You will note the little gems, upholding the core. Some pure as the ring’s heart and others a sharp contrast - drawing attention to the center. Jamil’s ring is somehow both modest and bold at the same time. A reflection of the giver}

[inaflashimagine]

SINCE LAST TIME

You’ve never seen this man before in your life. He’s quite large, a towering figure with shadows that threaten to swallow the two of you whole. These facts make for a deadly combo and provide more than sufficient material to create a nightmare even a grown adult would struggle to escape from. But you’ve seen that smile. You know that smile. It’s a hard one to forget. Clearly.

pairing: nagumo yoichi x reader

wc: 9.4k

tags & warnings: (kinda) friends with benefits, suggestive themes, manga spoilers (sakamoto's past arc & assassination exhibition arc), light angst, reader was Nagumo's former spy classmate, no use of pronouns, instance of harassment/inappropriate behavior

notes: can be read as a standalone fic or the second part of a series found here. crossposted on ao3.

“Those are pretty!”

You can’t help but agree with the excited six-year-old holding your hand, though choosing the right words to voice your thoughts proves difficult. 

Your eyes survey the rest of your apartment. They seem to move quicker than your stiff tongue, less focused on the bouquet of roses on the dining table and more worried about locating the trespasser who put them there in the first place. 

The walk from the school back to the apartment didn’t take more than ten minutes. The television was still left on before you headed out. You didn’t realize how it was still programmed to the assassin channel until the JAA News anchors resumed their discussion of three wanted terrorists, their names when you first heard them a week ago as unexpected as the bloodred flowers currently staring at you.

In hindsight, wondering if you’d be able to find the culprit was a silly thing to fret over. Especially when the type of person to make such a grand gesture rarely decides to remain hidden. 

“I know, right?” exclaims a deep, jubilant voice from behind. “The florist freshly cut them from his garden, too! But how do we feel about the vase? Are the polka dots too flashy?”

The door shuts with a firm click, a sound you had already heard a few seconds ago. Because you closed the door yourself. 

You’ve never seen this man before in your life. He’s quite large, a towering figure with shadows that threaten to swallow the two of you whole. These facts make for a deadly combo and provide more than sufficient material to create a nightmare even a grown adult would struggle to escape from.

But you’ve seen that smile. You know that smile. 

It’s a hard one to forget. Clearly.

The hand enveloped by yours feels smaller than ever as you turn the curious girl around and shield her from the smiling man leaning forward to wave at her. The action gets her to peek behind your protective stance, her giggles growing louder the more your frown widens. 

“Yumiko,” you say softly, refusing to show the hint of panic beginning to seize your chest. “How about you do your drills first? I’ll review them with you in a bit.” It’s already that time of the school year when her class learns basic kanji. However, you secretly fear all those hours of practice still won’t correct her sloppy penmanship.

“But you said we’d watch Sugar’s Sweet Adventures first!” she whines, the rare protest paired with her doe-like eyes close enough to make you cave in. 

Yet your gaze remains on the smiling man in front of you. 

“We’ll do that after you finish your homework. I promise.” You give her hand two tight squeezes, your voice reedier by the second. “Please.”

“I’d listen if I were you,” he unhelpfully adds as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his white baggy pants, “because the one time I hadn’t was sooo close to being my last day on this planet!”

Yumiko laughs, a melody so light that you can feel your resolve chipping away. “You’re funny, mister!”

“Aw, you think so? Well, at least I have one fan in this household!”

“Wait, if you brought flowers, does that mean you’re staying for dinner, too?” Her black pigtails bounce with the rocking of her feet before she takes a step forward. She tugs on the strap of her limited edition Sugar backpack while you pull her behind you again. “We’re having Chinese tonight.”

“Oh, from that one place around the corner? Their pork dumplings are so delicious!”

As if to prove his point, he pats his stomach a few times and lists a few other of his favorite meals from the restaurant with a satisfied smile, leaving you stunned and Yumiko giggling once again.

“Yes! Please join us, mister!” Her gaze flits back to you, catching your mortified expression reflected in those excited dark brown eyes. “Can he join us, please?”

“Not if you don’t finish those assignments,” you cut in, the anxiety gnawing at you so intensely that you’re able to snap out of your bewilderment. Desperate for any solution that gets her far away from all this. 

But you’re not sure what shocks you more: Yumiko’s disappointed sigh or the ease with which she proceeds to simultaneously slip out her shiny black shoes and shrug off her bag. 

“Fine, I’ll do them. But only after I go to the bathroom.”

The moment you hear the pitter-patter of feet being muffled by the closing of a bathroom door is the instant you push the intruder against the apartment’s front door. The one he somehow managed to picklock without so much as uttering a sound.

“Nice to see you haven’t lost your touch,” Nagumo says cheerfully, his disguise gone within a blink. 

Though that smile hasn’t faltered one bit. If anything, you swear it’s gotten bigger.

“Seems like you’ve lost yours.” The grooves of your apartment key dig deeper into his neck, a tiny bead of red coloring the black spiral inked onto him. It’s a once-in-a-blue-moon achievement that would’ve made you insufferable to be around had it happened during your sparring classes at the JCC.

But when you see his pinned shoulders relax instead of resist, you remember how deftly he can flip himself out of this situation.

And how swiftly he can end yours. 

You snort derisively, trying your best to ignore the way his large eyes only seem interested in taking in the face that’s a hair’s breadth away from his. As much as his talkative nature drives you mad, you’d rather deal with his constantly running mouth over his silent one. “You call yourself a master of disguise but can’t change that obnoxious cologne you wear?”

He seems unfazed, the lazy stretch of his lips as he watches you with mild amusement infuriating you even more. “Obnoxious? How hurtful! And here I was worried that time made you softer.”

“The only thing you need to worry about is that target over your head.” Your eyes glance at the flat screen before returning to a slowly blinking Nagumo.

The tip of your tongue feels heavy with the number of questions you want to ask him. Why is he pictured in between an assassin who has long since retired and another who he swore he would kill? 

And why is he here, of all places? You already have enough on your plate to worry about. Are there others currently on his tail? The idea that more assassins may burst through this door while Yumiko is here terrifies you. 

You want to strangle him. 

“A target?” The confusion that tinges his voice is also seen in the exaggerated tilt of his head, the assassin uncaring that the action causes the key to poke further into his neck. “While I am flattered to be compared to that objectively attractive ‘Wanted’ guy, you’re confusing me for another Nagumo Yoichi. After all, I’m an upstanding JAA employee and obedient member of the Order, thank you very much.”

“Oh, cut the act,” you hiss, the flush of the toilet in the background proving how little time you have left. Leaning forward, you glimpse the silver key between your fingers beginning to turn crimson. “Or I’ll let the JAA know where their Special Class-A Extermination Target is…”

He dares to feign a pained gasp while mirth dances in his eyes. “You’d rat me out, even after I brought you these flowers? You have to admit that they’re an upgrade from last time.”

Despite it being the most inopportune time, his words bring back a rush of memories that you have no shot at ever blocking out.

The faint surprise your face undeniably showed upon opening the apartment door that one night over seven years ago–a shock that wasn’t caused by the all-too-familiar sight of long limbs occupying every corner of your couch but had rather stemmed from the bouquet of bright white roses he tossed between his hands.

White roses speckled with dark red splotches.

His thank-you gift, no doubt. 

At least his suit was clean. 

What remained uncertain was whether the present was for a favor in the past, or for a current one in his unlucky deck of cards.

You had grabbed it from him anyway, heading straight to the kitchen and swallowing a pleased sigh that threatened to leave you when soft lips grazed your neck and long arms wrapped around your waist. Ignoring the warmth in your constricted chest as fingers toyed with the hem of your shirt and strands of silky hair tickled your cheek, instead attempting to focus on the scissors in your hands to cut the flower stems at a sharp angle. “But please don’t tell me those dots are bloo–”

“Nah, of course it’s not my blood!” he immediately clarified with a chuckle, the deep sound vibrating through your skin and going straight through your bones. “How was I supposed to know the dude would bleed like some stuck pig?”

“Nagumo!” You hoped he’d surmise your gasp as one of horror over his indifference, but saying his name like that the minute his hand dipped below your pants is not something even the most naive could chalk up to coincidence.

“Now, don’t act all innocent on me,” he whispered into your ear, planting a lingering kiss on your shoulder. “Not when you’re the only spy who knows the whereabouts of one of my next targets.”

After placing the stained roses in a black vase, you managed to wiggle in his grasp, turning to pull on his tie before linking your arms around his neck. Unsure why the knot in your stomach seemed to tighten from his admission, one that you already saw coming the moment you opened the door. 

The more you thought about it, Nagumo rarely offered gifts of appreciation for services completed in the past. Perhaps a present of that magnitude could only be received for accomplishing a wish not even a god could grant.

If that was the case, that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon. The latest trail you caught wind of went cold months ago. At the very least, it was likely she was still alive, but providing him any further details would be pure speculation or straight-up lies. Despite all the classes Nagumo skipped when you two were in high school, one particular lesson always stuck with each student in the intelligence-gathering and assassin programs: a stiff body is easier to find than a constantly moving one. 

But if she wasn’t dead, then it was also very likely that she didn’t want to be found. 

Neither of you had ever discussed that last scenario—such hypotheticals were pointless in this profession, after all—but you’re sure he already knew. Even then, he still acted like a stubborn dog that refused to let go of the worn bone, as if hopeful that, maybe, just maybe, he could eventually trade it in for something of higher value. 

Hope was the last thing assassins should hold onto. Civilians who did so were often seen as optimistic or naive. But for those in your field, it got you killed.

Shaking your head, you sent him an unimpressed look. “Contaminated roses in exchange for valuable intel? Talk about unfair exchange.”

He merely blinked, blank eyes staring evenly at you before giving you a boyish smile. “Ah, of course, my bad! So would you prefer red ones next time?”

“You’re ridiculous!” And like last time, you laughed against his lips, closing the distance to push away the sinking feeling that this transaction, along with the previous ones, would never extend beyond that. Perhaps if he squeezed his eyes just as hard as you were then he’d be able to picture the one target that’s never been able to leave his mind.

Upset at Nagumo for evoking such unwelcome thoughts, you tighten your grip against him and repeat those two words.

What favor does he want now? Wasn’t last time enough?

Does he know how much you’ve risked for him? How much is at stake just because he stepped foot into your haven?

“You know, it’s quite rude to treat a friend like this!” he chides, grabbing your wrist with the key before wagging a finger from his other–now free–hand. “Especially one who saw their best friend fake-resurrect from the dead before nearly getting sliced to pieces by a senile man with a sword.”

The key clatters to the floor as your jaw goes slack, attempting to piece together the bomb he so casually dropped.

Akao Rion?

“She’s alive?” you ask, dumbfounded. Even saying it now is a foreign sensation. How? “And that’s made you a wanted man?”

And if Akao Rion is alive, then why is he here?

“Mister, how did you lose so much weight?”

Hearing Yumiko makes you recognize what else you missed amidst the chaos: the creaky sound of the bathroom faucet turning on and off; the echo of the bar soap she always drops into the sink when washing her hands; the shuffling of her feet when she opens the door.

Maybe you are losing your touch.

It doesn’t matter that for the length he was gone, you carried on normally. And it doesn’t matter that in those years you almost forgot how important he was to you. Because it makes no difference now. The time and distance apart lulled you into a false sense of security, and created an illusion that is so painstakingly obvious now– 

Everything is thrown out of orbit whenever he inserts himself into your life.

“That’s a good question! Well, you know how 70% of our bodies are made up of water? Mine is stored in all these mini balloons and your mom just happened to pop a few by accident. Crazy, right?”

“Just because I’m six doesn’t mean I’m dumb.” Standing beside you once again, she reaches for a scratched-up MP3 player and a pair of oversized headphones that are all neatly tucked in her bag before peering at you instead of the bleeding man in your apartment. “Can I go to my bedroom instead of the guest room? I forgot that I left my drill book there.”

Your mouth drops momentarily before you come to your senses. The fact that she might be safer alone than with you is pathetically insulting, although that might speak more to her capabilities than yours. Oddly enough, she’s probably the wisest child you know. Not that you run across many children with your career. “Uh, sure. Do you have the spare key?”

She nods wordlessly, opting for a cursory thanks before she excuses herself, puts on her shoes, and politely asks a perplexed Nagumo to step aside. As she opens the door, the small girl cranes her head upward to spare him a plain look before she leaves.

“And my mom won’t be here until dinner. But I’ll be done with homework before then.”

You think it’s one of the few times you’ve seen someone steal Nagumo’s last words. And based on how wide his bemused eyes are, it might be his first as well.

But the pride that swells in your chest is quickly deflated with another realization.

“Wait…you thought Yumiko was my daughter?”

“Not just your daughter,” he mutters as he loosens his hold around your wrist, the action–or rather, the absence of it–reminding you how warm his touch is. 

It’s your turn to be rendered speechless, taking a step back as you fix an incredulous stare at the former-spy-apprentice-turned-rogue-assassin whose blood continues to drip onto your typically spotless floor.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that!” he teases with the corners of his lips tugging into a knowing expression. He looks way too happy at the possibility of being a deadbeat. “You can’t deny that we look alike. Plus, you can do the math. She’s six years old, has my humor and intellect…”

You wonder if he realizes that comparing his intelligence to that of a first-grader isn’t the best demonstration of his mind at ‘its brightest’. Then again, his childish frivolity might also explain why kids seem to cling to him like a magnet.

Despite the roll of your eyes, you grab his hand and direct him to put it over his wounded neck, uncaring for how he winces at your rough treatment. As melodramatic as ever. You swore you had just nicked him, in spite of the mess he’s made with your clothes and apartment. “Just shut up and stay there.” 

“–And then you disappeared a few days after our little spat. I also remember the condom break–”

“What a spot-on analysis, Sherlock,” you spit out, picking up your dirty key before making your way to the kitchen drawers. “But you were the one who disappeared, after that night”–you falter, shaking your head furiously while grabbing a clean rag–“anyway, it’s not my fault I was assigned a two-year mission in Singapore. And you could’ve reached out anytime, especially for work matters. Other Order members have.”

Yet that number seems to be dwindling more with each passing day. You feel your fist slightly curl around the cloth when Hyo pops up in your mind. He always provided updates on how Nagumo was doing, no matter how reluctant he was to deliver them and no matter how awkward you felt receiving them. You think you would happily endure a thousand more of those embarrassing moments if it meant he could still be alive.

You guess that’s why it’s called wishful thinking.

Nagumo takes the rag from you, immediately offering a good-natured grin when he catches your eyes narrowing at how long his fingers linger on yours. “Ah, you’re no fun anymore. I was just kidding about all that!”

Your huff of disbelief is less than flattering. “Well forgive me for not being able to tell the difference between the truth and your shitty jokes after seven years of radio silence.”

His whistle rings far and low. “Wow, seven years? Has it been that long?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.” Folding your arms, you fling his words right back at him. “You can do the math, right? After all, I’m the one who doesn’t ‘know anything’.”

Nagumo sighs upon seeing your air quotes, scratching the back of his head with one hand while staunching the slower trickle of blood from his neck using the other. “So you are still upset over what happened that night.”

And for every subsequent night that he seemed to forget you exist.

“No, I’m upset that you show up at my home while you’re being hunted by every single assassin and spy in Japan.”

At least it’s not a total lie.

“Well, not every single member.” You can only scoff at the direction of his pointed finger.

“And what makes you think I won’t alert them of your whereabouts?”

“Because you already would’ve done so.” It’s a fact that seems to please him, based on that smirk plastered on his face. “Guess I can still call you a friend, even if you won’t formally invite me into your place.” 

There he goes with that word again. 

“No, don’t think about taking another step. I refuse to be an accomplice to whatever mess you dragged Sakamoto into.”

“Immediately taking his side? I see how it is.” For someone who sounds offended, his carefree laughter indicates otherwise. “I’ll have you know that I was the one trying to stop Sakamoto-kun. Not to mention he was the one with the billion-yen bounty! But you always did have a soft spot for him.”

“That doesn’t explain why you partnered with Uzuki. And after everything he’s done?” Though with Akao allegedly being alive, you’re still not sure what to make of any of this. It feels like you’re trying to solve a puzzle with lost pieces and several wrong ones. 

The smile on his face immediately hardens into a straight line, and like last time, that’s when you know you asked the wrong question.

“You’re missing the full story.”

Aware that you’ll fail, you futilely try to see anything past the void he expertly maintains in those eyes. Eyes that are cleverly hidden by long strands of hair. 

Against your better judgment, you take back the rag from his hand and nod, unable to suppress the tired sigh that leaves you. Or the splitting headache that follows. “I know. So tell me.” 

Once Nagumo reassures you that no one followed him (“Please, I’m a wanted man, not some half-baked assassin!”), you leave him in the living room area, make a pit stop at the laundry basket, and head to the apartment next door after letting him know that you’ll be back in a few.

“Hey there, I’m checking in.” You wonder why you bothered knocking on her bedroom door, considering Yumiko only responds after you remove her headphones, the young girl accepting your greeting with a bored expression on her face. “Are you done with your drills?”

“Hmmm, not yet. Is your strange friend still in your home?” 

You do your best to hide the twitch in your eye with an enthusiastic nod. “He is. We’ll be catching up on a few things but shouldn’t take long. I’ll come back here to review your book when we’re done.”

“And then Sugar’s Sweet Adventures?”

“Only if we have time.”

Shockingly, she doesn’t look too disappointed. “Okay. I also think you should get him a new shirt.”

That makes you pause. “Why do you say that?”

“Because of the stain,” she answers plainly, like you asked her what color the sky was. She must mistake your furrowed brows for bafflement because she elaborates with a small, uncertain smile. “It’s probably more difficult to scrub out blood on a black shirt than a white shirt because it’s harder to see where it ends and begins.”

Her mother is going to kill you.

“Right, thank you, that’s a kind suggestion for you to make. I’ll follow it.” 

“And is…he…coming for dinner?”

Pursing your lips, you search for any signs of anxiety or fear on her face. When her calm expression betrays neither, you sigh wearily. “Honestly, I’m not sure. He hasn’t told me. But I can see if he will.”

“If he does?”

“Then we’ll have to order some more dumplings.”

Yumiko smiles widely at that, her delighted laugh contagious. Her adult front tooth has started to fill in the gap of the baby tooth that preceded it, and you briefly wonder if you’ll live long enough to see when they all come in.

“Can some of them be fried then?”

“Sure thing, kid,” you say without hesitation, lightly tugging on one of her pigtails before ruffling the top of her head. “So long as you come up with a story on why we couldn’t get the steamed ones. And it better not involve me or so much mention my name.”

“Deal,” she says just as seriously, throwing in a solemn nod to demonstrate her commitment. But her toothy grin shows no sign of leaving. 

Standing up from your kneeling position you ask her one more question. “Also, can we make sure this conversation just stays between the two of us?”

But she’s already slipped her headphones back on, pop music blaring out as she resumes her writing.

As you return to your living room, you catch him holding a certain photo frame. He wiggles it in front of you with gusto, as if you don’t know what picture you placed there yourself. 

“Wow, you didn’t tell me Yumiko’s mom was a total bab–”

“...”

“I mean, a totally responsible-looking and contributing adult to society!”

“So I’m just going to ignore everything you just said,” is your surprisingly measured response, tossing him a large white shirt that you grab from the pile of clean clothes you thankfully laundered a day ago. “Yumiko thought you might want something cleaner. I’m not washing that black one for you though.”

He catches it with ease, already peeling off his baggy shirt as he puts on the new one. “So she did see the blood. Man, I bet she and Hana would get along swimmingly.”

Who? Your face scrunches in confusion, attempting to ignore the sharp stab you suddenly feel on the side. “Hana?”

“And a non-squeamish six-year-old sounds like the kind of promising candidate the JCC loves. You’re sure she’s not yours?”

You hum absent-mindedly, finding your gaze set on the new ink that accompanies numerous bruises on pale skin. He looks more banged up than normal, a strange sight to behold and one that makes you so unusually queasy that you try to brush the thought aside. Parts of the quote on his torso are blocked by thick bandages, some of which turn redder the more he moves around.

The number of assassins and spies you know with tattoos is so few that you can count them on a single hand. You always wondered why such a mysterious person whose life and career depend on the utmost discretion would willingly paint his body with such permanent identifiers. When you had first seen them–starting with seemingly random numbers on dainty fingers–you figured it would be best to stray away from such an arrogant spy apprentice. If a rookie did the same thing, they wouldn’t last longer than a month past graduation. Yet such concerns always fell on deaf ears–even during the JCC days, professors from the intelligence gathering program would chew him out whenever he walked into class with new ink. (“Oh, this? I must’ve forgotten to wash it off this morning! What a drag. Mind if I go to the bathroom to get it off? I swear I’ll be back in a few!”) 

Maybe that’s why he also transferred to another department.

“You know, you didn’t have to use the bloody shirt as an excuse to see me half naked,” he chirps with a close-eyed smile, a statement that is mortifying to hear alone, much less have it directed at you. Particularly when the new shirt hugs him tighter than you’d like. “If you politely asked, I might’ve even let you take it off me.”

Your face blooms with heat and for some unknown reason, you feel like a clueless teenager again. “Yumiko is not mine,” you reply through gritted teeth, trying to remember his original question before he nearly made your spiral. “But she is my neighbor. Her mom's a nurse with long shifts at the hospital, so I pick Yumiko up after school to make sure she’s not alone.”

“Helping your neighbors, for free?” he asks, unsure how to interpret the slight tilt of his head as he sends you a small smirk. “Maybe you have gone soft.”

“I have not ‘gone soft’,” you say defensively, shoulders taut. “Contrary to what you think, I like to help people.”

Besides, you’ve been told that you’re a nice person. You like to think you’re affable than most. Or at the very least, as approachable as a spy can be in this world. 

“Is that so? Tell me, does helping people also include killing innocent assassins on the run?”

But it doesn’t help that you always feel like you’re teetering on the edge of a cliff whenever you’re around him.

If there were a way to weaponize your glares toward assigned targets you’d be the richest person in the assassin world. And the man cheekily smiling across from you would be dead a million times over.

Because if that’s an innocent assassin, you don’t want to see a guilty one.

“Hey Nagumo, has anyone ever told you that you’re a living oxymoron?”

The loud laugh he barks out sounds so nice that it grates your nerves. “As funny as ever! But on second thought, since the grannies at your last place made quite the snoopy bunch, I so get why you were reluctant to help them out.”

The mention of your previous neighbors gets a begrudging eye roll out of you. Nagumo had become such a frequent visitor at your last apartment that he, unsurprisingly, won the hearts of the two nosy, old ladies sandwiched between your unit. If he wasn’t at your place but you still heard rowdy laughter permeating the walls, you instantly assumed that he was gossiping with them over who knew what. Based on the frequent–and unsolicited–reports those two women provided you, he occasionally felt charitable enough to sort their trash and cross off a few items from their grocery lists. They had promised to not snitch on you for breaking the lease terms of authorized occupants despite your insistence that Nagumo–or as they liked to call him, the pretty boy with way too many tattoos–was not living with you nor was he your boyfriend.

“And after seeing this picture”–he, once again, waves the picture frame you repeatedly told him to return to the end table–“I completely understand your newfound passion for community service. She really is a total babe–”

You wack him in the head, which he smartly knows not to block.

“Anyway,” Nagumo says while nursing the newly formed bump on his head, “speaking of being neighborly, mind if I treat myself to some snacks in your pantry?” 

Squinting, you suspiciously eye the gleam of aluminum poking out of his pant pockets. “Good to know you still follow the values of ‘ask for forgiveness, not permission’.”

That youthful grin on his face never leaves, his simple shrug providing a sufficient answer when he pairs it with a familiar can of white peaches that he whips out. “Actually, I wanted to ask for a can opener. Couldn’t find it in your drawers. I’d use my handy weapon, but a juvenile delinquent ruined it the other day.”

“Oh no,” you draw out slowly once you make your way to the kitchen, deciding to hurl a chef's knife toward him despite fully knowing where the can opener is. “How will you entertain the masses without your party trick?”

Like a thrown dart, it sticks to the white wall next to him, taking some jet-black strands of hair for company. He sends you a flat look before he uses the heel of the knife to pry open the can. “At least sound a bit more devastated, will you? I doubt I can get my usual weapons maker to make another one for me right now. It truly is a tragedy.”

“The real tragedy is the little remaining time you have to tell me why your face is not only here inhaling all my food but also currently on my TV.” Pointedly peering at the clock hand that gets closer to six with each passing second, your fingers impatiently tap the kitchen island you’re leaning against. 

“So I’m taking the roses didn’t win you over? Was it the vase?”

You can only stare.

Changing into a clean shirt, being fed, and fulfilling the hasty catch-up have all been done. He’s run out of distractions and excuses, a fact he resigns to with an annoyed sigh.

“Fine.” Or at least that’s what you think he says, mouth still stuffed with food. He jumps onto the couch, patting the seat next to him. “But trust me that you’ll want to be sitting down for this.”

It’s a suggestion you’re glad you heed, unable to mask your shock as he spares no detail in his account of fighting a formidable member of X’s group; of thinking he finally killed Uzuki, only to hear the voice of his deceased friend come out the body of her executioner; of learning that Sakamoto knew about this ‘copy’ Akao since Thailand and deciding to not tell Nagumo about it; of losing his status as an Order member the moment Chairman Asaki placed a hit on the inadvertent trio; and of nearly dying from Takamura’s blade until X copied the old man as well.

It’s too much to take in. This might be the only time you wish that everything the trickster just told you was fabricated lies rather than the cold truth. And there’s no way he’s lied to you about this or even embellished a detail or two. Not when you can’t recall the last time he’s ever looked this grim.

You’re not sure how much time has passed, with you just sitting there, staring at an empty aluminum can on the coffee table. Watching how the mouths of the JAA news anchors on the TV screen move soundlessly, having muted the channel long ago. 

You don’t even know where to start. Everything feels too convoluted to begin to process.

And you can tell Nagumo is feeling the same. This is the most expressive you’ve ever seen him–the way his brow knits furiously as he provides a recap of his conversation with Uzuki’s Rion, almost as if committing each word to memory lest he forgets or misses a major clue. How his eyes harden and knuckles turn paperwhite when mentioning Asaki, who claimed to have seen Rion’s death. How his face seems to lose its tension when he relays some dumb joke that Uzuki’s Rion made about Sakamoto’s weight, only to regain it when he recounts his morning encounter with Oki and the two newest members of the Order.

Meeting X was supposed to solve the biggest question that’s plagued Nagumo’s every waking moment. Yet none of this makes sense. Now, it’s only introduced more cryptic puzzles and an increasingly higher risk of death.

“I fear you’ve told all this to the wrong person,” you admit with a sardonic smile. 

Nagumo’s gaze on you is steady, unwavering. “Why do you think that?”

“Because I don’t know how I can help you with any of this.” Pinching the bridge of your nose, you exhale deeply and try to ignore the mind-numbing panic that begins to trickle its way into your chest. “I don’t know anything about Uzuki or X or Slur or whatever the fuck his name is other than what you’ve told me. And I have no idea where he and his lame posse currently are. I don’t even know what you should do next.”

For the amount of stress he’s under, Nagumo sure doesn’t show it with his easygoing smile. “I’m not asking you to do any of that.”

“Then what do you want from me?”

It comes off more petulant than you’d like, and perhaps if he strained his ears, he might be able to hear the concern tinting your voice. Yet one thing is certain–you’re far from the professionally composed person you typically are during work meetings.

But when has anything ever stayed professional between you two?

He leans forward, eyes locked onto yours so that you can’t avert your gaze.

You don’t.

“The only people who know where Sakamoto and I are hiding include his ragtag group of wannabe pacifists, sweet ol’ Granny Miya, and you.”

You?

“Me?” It comes out as a whisper, and in its meekness, you’re relying on him to understand the implicit message.

Why?

“Yup!” he exclaims with an eager nod. “And hopefully, it stays that way!” Which roughly translates to ‘don’t snitch’. You’ve seen that threatening glint before. You’ve heard the hint of finality in that trademark sprightly tone of his before, his sunny disposition softening the blow that targets would undoubtedly feel just a brief moment later. However, none of that has ever been meant for you.

Until now. 

“But I will say, I’m surprised no one else from the Order has paid you a visit.”

“Well, they have, but no one’s asked for you. Oki-san needed the contacts for the two new members he recruited.” You bite your lip, mulling over your next choice of words. “Unless you’ve blabbered to Shishiba or Osaragi, I think only Hyo knew that we were…acquaintances.”

His lips quirk ever so slightly. “Hah! Not the acquaintance card. What will it take for you to say ‘friends’? Do you know how to say it? I can spell it for you.”

Your grimace is far from subtle. “Too bad I don’t have pen and paper,” you weakly joke, trying your best to not roll your eyes for the umpteenth time today.

He licks his lips, lidded eyes refusing to leave yours when he lets out a low, contemplative hum. “That’s for amateurs, which we are not. There’s other ways to teach you.”

Blood rushes to your face, and you blow out an indignant puff of air to focus on anywhere but that coy smile.

“Switching the subject once again,” you say with a dry laugh, relieved that the only stuttering that’s present is tucked away in the staccato notes of your heartbeat. “That’s when I know you’re hiding something.”

He bows slightly, eyes smoothly blocked by unruly hair. Yet his smile only grows. “Is that so?”

“What’s the other reason you’ve told me all this?” A hesitant pause before your voice lowers. “The real reason.”

You’ve always hated how he can quickly school his expression into a blank canvas when it’s impossible for you to do the same to him. It’s a skill that might be even more frustrating than your inability to read him, to break past the wall he effortlessly puts up. 

And you’re a good spy; deep down, you know this. But when your usually astute perception is impervious to his shield at every single angle, the only viable course of action is to take his next words at face value.

“Because who else will tell the truth once the JAA silences everyone?”

It’s the last thing you’re expecting him to say. Words said so breezily as if inquiring what day of the week it was.

And all you can picture is his lifeless body.

Another sharp inhale, followed by a shaky breath. Your stomach continues to drop, and you’re uncertain when you’ll be fully sunk. Every fiber in your being knows this is the wrong reaction, a sign of weakness that goes against all the training that’s been ingrained into your body since your family explained what they do for a living.

But the idea of a life without Nagumo in it feels worse than death itself.

“Hey. Hey, look at me.”

Anything that reaches your ears sounds muffled, trapped underwater until two hands grab your face and pull you back to the surface.

His thumb strokes your cheek gently as he softly repeats your name. One. Two. Three times.

“You can’t die,” you finally say. Slowly, quietly. Almost as if you’re reassuring yourself. Your face hardens, a sharp edge to your voice. “You won’t die.”

He meets your stare unabashedly, an amused smile making its way back to his lips. “Who said anything about dying?”

“Nagumo, I’m serious.” You find your breath steadying, only for it to quicken the moment your fingers lock around his wrists. “You can’t leave…leave me.”

“I never left,” he says decisively, and right before you can get a retort in, he won’t stop talking.

“Your mission in Singapore was not only two years but two years, seven months, and twenty-nine nights. You went back to your old place but immediately found and moved into this one. Maybe because you wanted to get away from those annoying grannies, or maybe because you were afraid of me breaking in again–which I didn’t, by the way!–but I think it’s because you wanted to be closer to that used bookstore, which you visit every Saturday and only after ordering your tea latte and a chocolate croissant from the cafe next door. 

“You say you only pick up Yumiko after school, but I’ve seen you take her to each of her soccer games and sometimes to the Science Museum in Ueno whenever it’s rainy. Assassins and spies of all levels seek your intel, but you only let Order members and the Chairman into your place. Not that you have much say in that, I guess. Though what you do have control over is who you go on dates with and boy, do you go on a lot more shitty dates than good ones. That Ren was a character.”

You can’t tell if the urge to slap him is stronger than your desire to smash his lips with yours.

“Are you done?” is all you can muster. Yet in the time between you find yourself inching closer toward him, noses brushing as you take in his overwhelming presence. The smell of Granny Miya’s arnica tincture with the heady scent of smoky amber makes your head feel light and your clammy hands all tingly. 

But you can’t stop smiling.

“Hmmm, that depends,” he muses, a glance to your lips causing your stomach to flutter. “How much more time do I have before you kick me out?”

“You’re ridiculous.” More like insane.

You kiss him anyway. 

It starts slowly, hesitantly. Like you’re back to being clumsy teenagers, curious to explore what it means to carry out a mission of seduction.

Then his tongue swipes over your lips before parting them, and hunger takes over.

His mouth tastes sweet, and addicting, a warmth wholly inviting and so easy to get lost in that you can’t stop your content sigh. It’s all-consuming, and you pull him down with you, grabbing onto the front of his shirt as you sink into the couch together. 

His arms keep you trapped, though you don’t think you mind, legs wrapped around him as you indulge in a stolen moment.

Until a flash of bright blue hair pops into your mind.

You open your eyes, unclenching your fist from his shirt and recoiling like you’ve touched a hot stove. And all of sudden something that felt good feels so incredibly off.

“What?” He’s as breathless as you are, though his body still hovers over you, long hair tickling your forehead while you’re surprised to see the worried crease form on his. “What’s wrong?”

“Us,” you blurt out, cheeks hot from shame. “I can’t be her. I never will be.”

Dark eyes study your face as you feel his hands drift to your back. He lifts you with him until you’re back to sitting across from one another, and for a second you think he might leave right then and there.

And then he captures your lips again.

This kiss is fleeting, but softer, a tenderness that you didn’t think he had. A gentleness you don’t deserve.

He parts to look at you once more, a lone finger tracing your cheek with the caress of a lover.

“You don’t need to be her,” he murmurs against your lips, feeling the flutter of his eyelashes and his unyielding gaze. “I don’t want you to be her.”   There’s a gradual levity in your chest, a foreign sensation that makes you realize how weighed down you were.

You want to bask in it, drink in more of the giddiness he seems to get out of you so easily. And when he leans in to gently nip at your bottom lip, you find yourself caving in.

A feeling short-lived when the timer in your phone goes off. 

Nagumo doesn’t take the interruption to heart, a breathy laugh fanning your neck as you reluctantly peel away from him to stop the alarm. “So you did set a time limit.”

The grin you send as consolation is half sheepish, half nervous. “Didn’t think we would go past it if I’m being honest.”

He raises a brow, hands back to sliding all over you. “Ouch! Sounds like I’ll have to prove you wrong.”

Your thighs press uncomfortably when feather-like touches brush over your hip.

“As much as I’d love to, we’ll have to take a rain check,” you mutter, quite begrudgingly. Struggling out of his iron-clad grip is a challenge enough, legs wobbly as you stand abruptly. When you lick your swollen lips you can instantly taste the faint sweetness of white peaches. “I have to stop by the restaurant with Yumiko before her mother arrives.”

Yet your attention keeps finding itself on the clock, the incessant ticking of the big hand seeming to mock you as you realize how little time you have left.

“So what’s actually rushing you?”

Your shoulders tense, but you shoot him a casual smile that you’re confident could rival his. “What do you mean?”

He tilts his head, his scrutiny intense as he stands up to observe you. “I don’t know, you tell me. I thought we were done with giving each other the cold shoulder.”

Your eyes narrow. “Maybe lay off? Sorry if I don’t want Yumiko’s mother walking in on us going at it like some horny teenagers.”

Based on the way he purses his lips, he doesn’t seem convinced. You feel like you’re being examined under a magnifying glass, an unpleasant sensation that makes your body itch all over.

And then all your ears can hear is his boisterous laughter. 

Nagumo slaps your back, hard, right before he doubles over. Pretending to wipe a fake tear, he airily says, “Civilians see us killing from left to right every day without fuss, and you think she’s gonna bat an eye at two consenting adults kissing? Gee, maybe you’re more of a prude than Sakamoto-kun!”

“Oh, shut up!” You shove him near the edge of the step to the genkan, wondering if your chuckling sounds as nervous at you think it does. “I think you’ve overstayed your welcome, don’t you think?”

“Ah shoot–did I just fumble my shot at a date?”

You open the door for him, trying to ignore your embarrassment with how your stomach flips from that question. Your small smile will have to be enough for him. “Yes. Yet if you focus on staying alive then maybe we’ll talk.”

“Good to see you’re still a terrible liar. But sounds like we have a deal,” says a larger man who bears no resemblance to one of JAA’s most wanted men. His voice is gruffer, but the lips that chastely brush yours hold a softness you already find yourself craving.

Then he’s gone in a blink. 

—

After making sure Nagumo didn’t swipe your phone or other valuables as he sped off, you take a few extra minutes to regain your composure before visiting Yumiko. Resting your head against her bedroom door doesn’t subside your pounding headache, and when Yumiko’s stomach begins to grumble in the middle of reviewing her homework, you finally think it’s time to eat.

“But why are we going back to your place?” she inquires, exasperation evident.

“Because I forgot my wallet,” you reply with a weary sigh. Your hands feel aimless, afraid that Nagumo’s one-liner on repaying Sakamoto for eating Hana’s ruined birthday cake was more than just a foolish joke. 

“Forgot, or lost?” 

You look up from your bent position near the coffee table. “I don’t appreciate the sass, kid.”  

“You seemed to like it when your friend acted that way.”

Mouth agape, you’re ready to rescind your offer of fried dumplings when you hear a familiar voice.

“Didn’t anyone teach you ladies how to close the front door?”

“Mother!” Yumiko calls out as she hugs the older woman’s leg. “You’re home early!”

“Wanted to make sure I made it in time for dinner. Chinese, right? Were you two about to head there?”

“Yes!” you answer with a triumphant smile as you shake the wallet in your hands. “And tonight’s on me!”

“That’s not necessary, I don’t mind paying our share…”

“I know, which is why I insist.” Just as you make your way toward the front entrance, the door still ajar, Yumiko drags her mother to the vibrant roses on the table. “Wait, what are you–?”

“I want mother to see the flowers!” The child looks at you before gazing back at the woman beside her. “Don’t you think they’re pretty?”

“They’re beautiful,” she agrees, smoothing Yumiko’s hair as she sends you a wink. “A gift from your boyfriend?”

Your heart nervously skips a beat. A white lie wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you open your mouth and begin to speak.

“–while the red roses are a classic option, that vase is too garish for my taste. Should I have to worry about a secret admirer?”

A shiver wracks through your spine the moment you feel his hand on the small of your back. Cold fingers linger around your waist, and it takes all your strength to look up at him and not suffocate under his bloodlust. There’s so much of it that you wonder how fast he can masterfully hide it without raising any alarms.

“Well?”

“Of course not,” you quickly assure with a shaky smile, your cheeks hurting from how wide your lips stretch.

“The flowers are from my secret admirer, Asaki-san,” Yumiko pipes up, her voice tiny among the adults. “They were too heavy to carry back home so I had some help. He told me that the florist freshly cut them from the garden, too.”

“Your what now?” gasps her mother, though Yumiko’s innocent gaze remains on you.

Is…he…coming for dinner?

You wish your eyes could convey how apologetic you are. How guilty you are for involving two completely innocent civilians into this.

Yet only adrenaline and fear course through your veins, preventing any other flood of emotions from rushing in.

“Being outdone by a child? That won’t do,” Asaki says after an impatient click of his tongue, his long earrings dangling with a slight shake of his head. He offers you a smile, but it appears more like a grimace. “I’ll have Watarai deliver a fresh bouquet of my preferred arrangement to both this apartment and my office tomorrow.”

You should change the door lock sometime soon.

You blink instead, opening your mouth before shutting it promptly. “Sure. Thank you.” Entirely cognizant of the arm snaked around you, you look at the bag in his other hand and do your best to not think about the cage you’re currently in. “What do you have there?”

“Ah, yes! I know you mentioned Chinese, but that place you go to looks pretty dismal, not to mention dirty. So I got tapas from a restaurant that just so happens to have a Michelin-star. Their food is exquisite. Watarai, you can prepare the table now, thank you.” 

The smug smile Asaki boasts seems more genuine this time, especially as his assistant–who, to no one’s surprise, materializes out of nowhere–carefully grabs the bag from his boss and begins to set the table. 

The roses are nowhere to be found. 

“You’re too kind, Asaki-san,” Yumiko’s mother says after an uncomfortable silence, the overt wringing of her hands making you wince. “But perhaps this dinner is best left to the couple?”

“Nonsense! The more the merrier!” are words he’s probably never uttered until now. 

Despite her appreciative bow, she exchanges a wary look with you before grabbing her daughter’s hand. “Well, thank you very much for thinking to include us. If you may excuse us, Yumiko and I will wash our hands.”

“But I wanted dumplings…”

“Yumiko, hurry along now!”

Once that door closes you pry his hands off you, uncaring for the disgruntled frown that tugs his thin lips downward.

“I’ve grown quite wearisome of your antics.”

“How did you know we were getting Chinese?” you focus instead, distress churning in your stomach. 

Asaki gives you an unimpressed look, like you’re roadkill that the tires of his car had the misfortune of running over. “Now, we’ve gone over this before,” he sighs despondently, already trying some of the cured meat on the plate Watarai had placed. “Don’t ask questions you know the answer to.”

Your mouth feels like sandpaper, finding it harder to breathe while he appraises you chillingly.

Two times a day. That’s how often you check each corner and room of your apartment for anything amiss, how often you look through each gap and crevice for a camera, and how often you run your finger along each smooth surface for any hidden microphone that might’ve been placed in the time between those two moments you check daily.

The first time you removed the small mics placed in your rooms was his last attempt at bugging your house. Or at least, to your knowledge. 

Your phone rests in the back pocket of your jeans, the device feeling particularly heavy. You take it out and think of all the conversations he’s heard. All the messages he’s read. 

How silly of you.

Despite the urge to chuck it against a wall you remain frozen, save for the slight tremble of your fingers that can also be heard in your voice.

“I don’t know anything.”

Asaki walks, the click-clack from his Italian leather derby shoes reminiscent of a clock ticking away the last precious seconds of a bomb about to go off. You watch him through the mirror that faces him, but his eyes only look forward. He adjusts his black tie and wrangles a loose dark streak of his hair back into place. 

“Now might serve as a perfect reminder that lying to the Chairman is a JAA violation punishable by death.”

Clearing your throat makes the dryness in your mouth worse. “And what if I’m speaking to my…boyfriend?”

Black eyes shift to meet yours, examining you with a coldness that makes winter seem like summer. 

“Then perhaps I’ve far overestimated your abilities, and your use to me.”

You’re fine with dying. Ever since you were a student, all the training you’ve received was concentrated on preventing it. But you’ve experienced far too many brushes with death to sincerely believe that the job you love won’t be what kills you. If anything, the JCC only taught you how to delay death, not avoid it entirely. 

And so you’re fine with dying. With each close call, you update your will. Yumiko and her mother will receive the majority of your assets because you don’t really have other friends and family to give it to. Maybe some assassins and spies you’ve worked with will take a second to say your name when they hear the news in some passing conversation. Have it linger on their tongue as they maybe recall a foggy memory of you before they continue with their day. Death is simply a sped-up inevitability for you all, so you’ve long accepted that it can happen today. Tomorrow. Or now.

But he can’t die. Losing him once was enough.

“Is everything alright?”

You want to tell Yumiko it will be but as he continues to stare at you with an unreadable expression, you figure it might be best to stop lying to the child.

“Sir,” Watarai interrupts, standing behind Asaki and bowing curtly, “I apologize for the interruption, but your presence is requested by the executive board.”

A sigh of instantaneous relief bubbles up in your throat until you glance down at your phone and spot the alert that appears on the screen.

JAA NEWS: TERRORIST ATTACK ON JAA-OWNED WEAPONS FACTORY

Your heart drops.

A lax smile rests on Asaki’s passive face. “I see. Then I’m afraid I’ll have to cut our visit short.”

“You won’t be taking the food with you, right?”

“Yumiko!”

He tilts his head toward the young girl and her scandalized mother, his closed-eye smile an off-kilter sight to see. “Well, aren’t you…precocious. Treat yourself to whatever! You’ll find the taste is much better than those greasy dumplings. Watarai, let’s hurry along now.”

“Yes, sir.”

Yet his smooth strides don’t betray any urgency, eyes focused on the prey he approaches.

He kisses your cheek, your skin burning from the contact. It’s a clever position he’s placed himself in, the tall man blocking your figure and preventing others from seeing the exchange. Mere seconds feel like an eternity as a horrible combination of shame and cold dread wash over you.

“Next time, tell our friend to stop wearing that obnoxious cologne,” he whispers into your ear, his disgust ringing loud and clear. “I can smell him all over you.”

You can’t breathe.

He straightens and pats your tense shoulder. And then he leaves, the door finally locking with a short click.

Your head is spinning, panicked and scattered thoughts leaking out the tiny box you thought you could contain. You think you hear your name being called but your body seems to have lost all function, knees striking the floor. And that’s when you see it, just an arm’s distance away. 

A fallen rose petal.

end notes: me struggling to come up with a name for this fic: [insert preposition here] + last time. and you can bet i'll do it for the next one

i was rereading the manga and nagumo's comment about the chairman–"he does whatever he wants. and he'll do whatever it takes to achieve his goals"–inspired me to include that horrible man here. idk it just felt fitting :)

[franzkafkagf]

Just a little disclaimer I’m not asking this question to try to come across as hurtful or anything like that. But I was wondering how as an Aegon-stan his treatment of women can make you have a very nuanced opinion of him? :o

- Personally I’m TB but do have empathy for some TG-characters. I do like Aegon as an antagonist and I do feel for his very toxic and harmful upbringing but due to his violent behavior towards women.. I just can’t really connect that well with him 🫣

Hi! Thank you for your ask :) Super interesting question actually! I have written some things for him in the past, talking about what exactly fascinated me about his character so much ( exhibit one, two three, four and five )

I also urge you to listen to Tom talk about Aegon; this man gets him as a character so well and says it better than I ever could. Some interviews found here, here and here

I can understand not being able to connect with him because of his treatment of Dyana— it's an unforgiveable thing he has done to her and might have done to others. But in spite of that, he is still just a character. Everything he does is meant to inform us about his certain traits he has, even the ugliest of things.

What does it tell us about Aegon? He is entitled, doesn't take things seriously, he is indulgent and does not see Dyana (or other smallfolk for that matter) as a real person (succession reference wink wink)

I wouldn't call his behavior towards women in general toxic though— I actually think he is somewhat demure when faced with women like his mother, Rhaenyra and also Helaena. He seems to kick down most of the time, while trying to get recognition from the ones he sees as peers or above him.

If you look at the culture he was raised in, it's not really a surprise he turned out the way he did, seeing women beneath him as something he can just take if he likes to. Westeros is cartoonishly misogynistic; traditions like First Night or the prevelance of brothels filled with women working under harsh indentures show that.

Young men of noble origin seem to see visits to brothels (again, filled with women that do not want to be there) as a normal past time activity; it's so prevalent that it's surprising if a young nobleman does not participate. Now, I do not want to excuse his actions, but seeing the culture he grew up him and the influences around him? -> He probably thinks this is normal behaviour, disturbingly.

On a bit different note, I want to talk about his relationships. A thought I see often echoed in the fandom is the headcanon that Aegon is violent towards Helaena when that... was never stated anywhere? Now I'm probably biased because I'm a big Helaegon girl but I don't see him being violent with his sister.

People say he impregnated her at 13 when.. he was also just a 15 year old boy? He did not want to marry her! Both literally did not and could not consent to what happened to them, I think it's so sad that people try to demonize a child who just did what was demanded from him from all the adults in his life :(

(like yes tell me about how one of these KIDS forced himself on the other out of fully selfish desire and pure evil. you're so smart and do not lack media literacy whatsoever)

The dinner scene literally shows Helaena laugh at Aegon's antics until he goes a step too far w Baela, and what does Helaena do? She clowns him in front of everyone with her toast. And what does he do? He just takes it... not the behaviour of an evil abusive man but the delulus will swear otherwise.

People will also try to twist her crying at the coronation as some depressive moment for her where she realizes that he will have the ultimate power over her when that's LITERALLY just a (very boring) headcanon. It's hinted at in the text and literally written out in the script that she is scared, because she knows what crowning him means; the dance cannot be stopped. That's all, that's why she's crying. She feels like their end is near.

All in all I think no one can change your mind on how you feel about Aegon; what he did IS unforgivable, but I hope you see a bit of my pov here too. Seeing the nuance in deeply flawed characters and digging to find hidden depths in them is something I'm very passionate about! My Aegon girlie mutuals and me will be feasting come season 2 🙏

[fatherless-behavior-prompts]

charlie’s angels sentence starters pt. 1

feel free to change pronouns as necessary 

“ I think women can do anything. ” 

“ A girl like me? I mean I want all my options available. “ 

“ I chose to make you notice me. “ 

“ That is God’s gift to you. “ 

“ I’m just so good at so many things... “ 

“ If you’re beautiful ... nothing else is expected of you. And if you’re not? Well then you’re rendered invisible.” 

“ Yeah, that’s it. “

“ I’m just the decoy, Stud! “ 

“ Oh baby baby. You swiped right! I’m your girlfriend now! “ 

“ That was thee most embarrassing date I’ve ever been on. “ 

“ I have fun in my own ways. “

“ We have to be first. “

“ Well technically I haven’t said anything. “ 

“ You’re much too smart to keep pushing this forward, aren’t you? “ 

“ You really thought I was going to let you sneak away quietly? “ 

“ I wouldn’t be here without you. “ 

“ You keep them safe. “ 

“ Its the day drinking. That’s what I like the most. “ 

“ I am holding my future in my hands. “ 

“ Are you sure you want to take this risk? “ 

“ Stop it you’re so cute. I gotta get a dog. “ 

“ He was my friend too. “ 

“ Lets get you cleaned up. C’mon. “ 

“ I’m gonna kill ‘em. “ 

“ I know about a lot of things. “ 

“ You think yellow is one of your colors when it is, in fact, nobody’s color. “ 

“ You know, THAT is what you can do when you pay attention in school. “ 

“ Hey, don’t worry. They’ll wake up. “ 

“ No puking. “ 

“ I need you to exhibit some attention seeking behavior. “ 

“ You put your mouth on it... “ 

“ Hey ... hey is that you flirting? “ 

“ Can you unzip me? “ 

“ You think I’m going to listen to a thing you have to say? “ 

“ You have a beautiful energy. “ 

“ A man can love you, and still want you dead. “ 

“ I have a cheese sized hole in my soul to fill. “ 

“ I pretty much grew up on the corner of powerless and ashamed. “ 

“ Yeah I wouldn’t take that on. “ 

[archivalofsins]

So, let's talk about the last few questions.

In this post we'll be discussing Kotoko's second trial interrogation questions.

Here's every post I've made regarding all of her interrogation questions.

Question 1, Question 2, Question 3, Questions 4-7 Part 1, Question 7-9 Part 2, Question 10.

So, today we'll be attempting to cover every question that has come out since then.

That means questions eleven through sixteen.

They aren't really that interesting but at least the written interrogation is almost over. This trial has been rather repetitive if I'm being honest.

But first let's address the elephant in the room-

I want to spend the beginning of this post discussing the behavior exhibited by a few bad apples over the course of Kotoko's second trial. What follows are just my personal experiences and my opinions on the matter.

Gunsli; why haven't you been discussing the questions the day they release? You were doing it that way at the start. Why are you waiting for a batch of them to drop then writing something up on it now? To take it further why are you being so thorough when it comes to Kotoko specifically? I mean you weren't like this with any of the other prisoners.

Okay, example questions that I've written up to answer. For anyone new here I was like this with other characters. Like literally this whole side blog is like this.

I spent the second trial of one of my favorite characters blatantly stating he was lying in every way possible. Highlighting it was definitely him that did that shit and how unfair it was that he was coasting to an innocent verdict in comparison to the trials of others before him. Regardless of if others wanted to speculate differently.

So, please believe me when I say one thing, I am consistent in my behavior.

I talk and write about the things that interest me.

Literally all of the prisoner's written interrogations have been interesting to me to varying degrees. Kotoko isn't the first prisoner I've written a lot about, and she won't be the last.

This is Milgram.

This is how it works. We've gone nine other trials doing the same thing for everyone else. Kotoko is not special. This is just another trial on the record for me. Sorry not sorry; don't go losing your heads over it now. She's no different from the nine other characters to come before her.

Plus, to be crass for a moment Kotoko doesn't want to step on anyone here anyway. She especially isn't going to want to step on the people that fully believe she's right. I've got a better chance of being stepped on by her than any of the yes man thirsting after her. Well, that is if Anti Beat is anything to go by.

With that low shot out of the way. I have been as critical of every prisoner as I've been with Kotoko. Even going as far to highlight when my own biases may be impacting my view on a character or their situation. The only character in Milgram who even remotely got any leniency from me if we're being real was Kazui.

The only reason that was is because people were espousing what came off to me as homophobic rhetoric in regards to his case, and I didn't want anything I said to be involved with that. Even still when I said what I thought he did after his trial ended, I still got flack for it. He wasn't even on fucking trial anymore it literally couldn't impact anything to speak about the concept in good faith.

So, I'm not coming at this brand new. I try to remain as consistent as possible. I have my lines and stick to them.

Even though I can get heated just like anyone else I still try my best to not compromise myself and discuss the topics at hand with consideration towards others. The reason I've moved to discussing Kotoko's written interrogation in batches like this is because-

One, it's more entertaining for me to do it that way and keeps my own attention better. Since I'm busy with life stuff currently. Also, it gives breathing room for the tag to die down in activity. So, more avid fans of her character don't end up coming across my post. Whether anyone wants to believe it or not some of Kotoko's fans have simply been the most obnoxious out of any trial to happen so far.

One going as far as to direct message me with what they believed to be pertinent corrective information that needed to be brought to my attention about a post I made. Condescendingly telling me I think you don't know what that word means causing this post to be necessary.

These are all the screenshots of it I still have from sharing this experience on discord. Honestly, I don't have a damn thing to hide. Even though I believe my behavior in this instance could have been better.

The behavior exhibited by this party regardless of how they personally feel about Kotoko or not was incredibly inappropriate. They contacted me under the belief that they could educate me on my improper use of this term. For what I can only believe was in the hopes of me rewording the post I had written to use a softer and less serious phrase in their opinion.

The way this person went about this was to me indicative of an entitled and woefully misinformed individual. They begin this conversation by demeaning my intelligence. Then when informed they were in fact incorrect about their assertion state,

"I apologize with that, I wasn't trying to say grooming can only be sexual. That wasn't exactly my point though with messaging you about this."

Then continued to denote that grooming can only occur when physical touch is present through stating,

"Grooming is still a very serious term to throw around, so I do not see how Kotoko deliberately pushing a child away from her and manipulating her to retract a testimony can somehow equate to grooming her."

A sentiment that still implies this individual believes on some level that all grooming is overtly physical or sexual.

I can admit I came on strong in these direct messages with this individual. Who again decided they just had to contact me about what they believed to be an egregious error on my part. I was defensive due to being rightfully upset by the situation occurring. However, this instance is not indicative of the sort of person I want to be when instances like this arise.

Even if from my perspective this individual had messaged me in a very accusatory, combative, disrespectful fashion that ultimately ended in insulting my intelligence. I can recognize how me sticking to facts and definitions may come off as callous, inconsiderate, or obstinate.

Still, I've stated before and I will state again I do not argue with people over their subjective opinions.

That is why when it came to my attention this was a subjective and personal interpretation which had nothing to do with my wording or the meaning of the term being used, I told this person as much. Then the discussion ended shortly after. Did I have to explain my point of view further when I stated that to them? No, I did not. At the time I was very annoyed that someone had messaged me with a lecture about something they didn't fully understand and were only treating seriously to use as a justification for why Kotoko or her actions should not be referred to in the way I did.

An individual going from, "I think you were using this term wrong" to "Well even if you were using it correctly I still think it's a very serious term to just fling around like you are". Is incredibly wishy washy to say the least and at the most disingenuous. In my opinion the behavior exhibited was not treating the topic of grooming with the seriousness it deserved.

I used the term I did in that post because this topic matters to me. It is something I am very serious about for personal reasons. For someone to message me something of this nature without knowing one thing about me or my life solely based on my post about Kotoko is disrespectful. They don't know what I know, what I've been through, or what experiences shaped me concluding what I did.

They just saw me saying something they didn't like/agree with about a character they enjoy and messaged me this without taking my own personhood into consideration. I could have blocked them. I didn't have to engage. I could have spent that hour doing something better with my time than being pestered by someone who had already chosen what their opinion of me was before even messaging under the guise of just wanting to share their concerns.

Because heaven forbid people know the technical definition of grooming or how to spot it. I mean if they did that may actually help people recognize when it's happening outside of a sexual context and move away from individuals that may be predating on them. What kind of sicko would want that? Me I want that. I want people to know how to spot these things because it's important and it allows people to be safer in real life. I don't think it's a controversial opinion to have or to state. I don't think that's an odd thing to want.

I'm not worried about fictional people. I'm worried about the safety and well-being of real people. How the beliefs people apply in Milgram can impact how they act in their real lives, the way they treat others, and how they analyze difficult and controversial topics. Maybe if we just fling around terms when they're applicable people just might learn something. Even if some people don't see how this applies or even agree with the assertion on a subjective level.

Some people in this fandom could really benefit from becoming comfortable with saying that lesson wasn't meant for me and moving the fuck on. Instead of doing things like this.

Outside of this instance other people have been harassing me before this trial even fucking started. So, what the fuck am I meant to do in this situation, huh? Some people may feel like I should stop talking about it. Yet, the fact that some people have no clue what the definition of grooming is should be a topic of concern and discussion actually. That's a legitimate problem.

Which is why I made that post discussing it.

So, from this I know personally that more avid fans have been behaving in this manner since checks notes (the timestamp of the discord messages)-

The day after her song was released.

So, if anyone doesn't see a back and forth happening here, please assume it's happening in private just like many did with other trials. Instead of believing both parties are ignoring the other and equally dismissive.

In previous trials people wanted to talk about taking things too seriously, Milgram being in good fun, and the characters not being real people when it came to literal depictions of child abuse and neglect.

There were a fair few people reducing Amane's situation to not treating her like a child because she asked us not to do that. Stating that treating her like a victim of abuse was comparable to treating her like a child. That doing so would be infantilizing and something she expressed not wanting in her first voice drama.

Ignore the fact that in her second voice drama Es specifically speculates that she on some level did want to be treated like a child and for her mistakes to be forgiven.

Along with these line that blatantly allude to this being the case from her first song Magic,

"Dear wise one, is this ok? Is it ok to be weak sometimes? I promise! A good girl that keeps a promise is like, mwah! I won’t say “I’ve had enough” Will you laugh with me and forgive me?"

"I hope, I hope everyone can be happy and smile. Forever, forever together would be a dream. Dear wise one, Am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?"

"Even I can say "I'm sorry". Even I have hope I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!"

This isn't about the abuse or her age this about taking a firm stance against cult mentalities. Amane needs to know that this sort of behavior is wrong and is never excusable even when you're being actively abused. Despite that not being the case at all during Mu's first trial.

It's like trauma and abuse are only a reasonable justification that should be taken into consideration to further contextualize the situation at hand only when it's certain characters. Not something that is getting applied equally across trials. Statements such as these prompted me to state this at the time.

Some fans of the series even going as far to state the individuals who wanted Amane Innocent during that trial were mean, aggressive, rabid, and unreasonable. Based on things happening from other platforms that certain individuals choose to bring here.

For some reason during Amane's trial people were barely discussing the blatant trauma displayed let alone speculating about other trauma she may have.

Then when discussing this situation with a friend during the day of the eclipse they brought up how everyone was really different about Haruka's trauma too. Voting him guilty for safety reasons or to show him how he was behaving was wrong and undesirable. Despite a 50/50 being possible in his situation. The same reasons people tried to use again with Amane.

So, I really don't see why some people believe speculating about Kotoko having trauma, something that everyone in Milgram and every person on earth has, is going to better contextualize her behavior, bring nuance to, or even help her case. The fandom has consistently shown that they do not care about people with trauma over the course of trial two unless it's a certain type. Some want to state that others are pushing forth the idea that Kotoko doesn't have trauma when I've personally seen no one say that and I have not said that myself.

Because it would be asine to say that. Everyone in the world has trauma to varying extents. I could not walk up to one person and ask hey do you have trauma that would go, "Actually no.... I don't think I have any. Nothing in my life has ever upset me to the extent of it being traumatic. I've actually never had any troubles ever. The world is just perfect for me. I look outside the airs crisp the sun shines all time. Sure I've faced hardships but nothing as severe as what it takes to have genuine trauma and no I've never needed therapy. I'll also never go."

It would sound off if someone told me that. It would sound a lot like, "Well some have it worse so I can't complain. Even the worst thing that has happened to me couldn't compare to what people who truly struggle go through." When honestly people can be doing worse than you and that would not diminish the experiences in your life that have hurt you or even excuse those people who have had it worse hurting you if they do. The reverse is true too. Someone could be doing better than you and that in no way can be used to dismiss the struggles they've gone through or the pain your actions may cause them.

That's just simply not how anything works. Trauma is not a competition. Sure there are varying degrees of trauma and not everyone's is going to be the same. Think of it like a burn there are different degrees but at the end of the day everyone still gets burned every once and a while. We can discuss the severity but at the end of the day all burns need treatment and time to heal. Getting burned is no excuse to be an arsonist. That has always been my point with this. Not that Kotoko doesn't have trauma but that having trauma is a normal part of life. That does not make anyone less or more than the other people around them.

I've only pointed out that I believe it's a bit ableist to state she has to have trauma because "No normal person ends up like her" or "Because no one without trauma would end up the way she is". Because newsflash everyone has some sort of trauma. Something I don't personally have an issue admitting. Furthermore, anyone could end up like Kotoko no one has to be a special sort of messed up in their past to end up the way she is. Yet not being a special sort of messed up from your past doesn't it make it more likely for someone to turn out like Kotoko.

Any person could turn out like this. Anybody could choose to behave the same way she does. Regardless someone's past does not justify or excuse them being cruel or lashing out at others. Plus, like I covered in both Amane and Haruka's cases their trauma was either blatantly ignored or weaponized against them. So, I don't see how speculating about this will make the situation better.

If that's just what people enjoy doing with their time go for it. I'm not one to knock what others find enjoyable as long as they aren't hurting others.

Plus, on a personal note I love a bit of angst every now and then myself. As well as project on the characters that I relate to. So, I understand why a good deal of people would be attached to the concept of her having trauma, maybe even trauma like their own.

However, other people not enjoying that is no reason to consistently harass or mistreat them. People can have their fun but it shouldn't be at the expense of the people around them and their feelings. I'm personally not going to speculate about shit we haven't seen at all and I have no interest in.

Kotoko having the sort of traumatic past for the reasons some individuals want her to have one just does not intrigue me. I'm not speculating on this at this time because the way it is being speculated is demeaning to me.

Want to know the most fucked up part?

People will say that others are saying she doesn't have trauma. Including myself in this when I literally fucking speculated, she had a dissociative disorder.

Something that forms through traumatic events.

So, it's not even like I'm avidly against this, don't see the merit in thinking about it, or haven't speculated on this before. I just don't think having trauma should be used as a justification or excuse for how she has behaved in the past or has stated she is committed to continuing to behave now.

I also don't believe it is something readily apparent based on how she behaves. Because again that's fucking ableist regardless of how I slice it that's how it comes off. Yet even if I didn't fucking speculate that and I saw no merit in examining Kotoko's possible trauma. That would be a personal decision of mine deserving of respect, not a thing to be antagonized over.

To be honest I find it interesting and somewhat disingenuous that things are suddenly that serious now.

Oh, but no it's only that serious if that speculative information is being used to explain and give additional context to her behavior specifically. Only if the one doing so is presenting that in a sympathetic way of course. If they're doing this in a way that comes off as demonizing Kotoko to the other party or displaying that she's wrong, then they get messages like those.

Explaining politely that they are in fact a moron, whose statements have really hurt the other person's feelings, that just doesn't know the harm their words are causing or the definition of the terms they use. To people viewing these issues in this way suddenly the other party is the sort of person who couldn't analyze their way out of a paper bag let alone through Milgram.

You just don't get it- You're a,

Moron who just didn’t understand.

Q.10 What were you called online?

Kotoko: A lot of things. Cause there were people who supported me, and then there were also morons who just didn’t understand.

No need to fret though these good people are here to help teach you the right way to interpret this now. You can learn the right way to analyze this, okay? A way that isn't so offensive to them. If you can do that maybe there's still some hope for you. Ya little dumb-dumb. With your little dumb-dumb theories and statements that lack nuance. Oh, you little thing you- If you can just listen now there's still a chance.

If you can't then you're just one of those people, it seems.

Wait, wait hold on- Let's wind it back a bit.

What about the logic used before? What if all the people voting Kotoko guilty were just having fun and the innocent voters were so aggressive and unreasonable? So, what if some people wanted to vote Kotoko guilty for the fuck of it. They're just trying to have some fun guys, it's not that serious. She's not a real person.

How would people behaving in that manner now be any different from any of the other trials then? Other than the fact that some of the people involved are on the receiving end of it this time.

At least I wouldn't be making an entire fucking shrine over it! Bribing people to vote a certain way and creating a new superstition. Yet to some of the people behaving in these ways towards other people the other party just talking about it online is bad enough.

The only reason that things have been quiet in this case is due to a lot of people who are too nice not wanting to rock the boat and staying quiet. Not because nothing is going on at all. Just like with the anon sent to the confession blog. There have been individuals who act like this for a well-documented amount of time. Harassing people behind the guise of anonymity and in private. The tactics have not changed, and individuals who choose to behave in this way will do anything to who they view as against them in the moment without much thought.

This is not an us versus them situation. This is not a cold war. This is a few bad actors harassing people for enjoying and viewing things in a different way than them.

I believe that's the definition of taking things too seriously when it comes to Milgram. So yeah, I'm saying my piece and hauling ass as quickly as possible and doing something else.

Because this is what people who even remotely discuss any of the characters analytically get for it. Not even just Kotoko. This same shit has happened to me multiple times throughout the second trial of Milgram with different characters. Which is why I treat all of this like any other day.

Yet, through saying this I recognize there are still going to be some who could frame me as behaving like this. Some people may seriously view myself and others who discuss Kotoko in ways they dislike as literal villains. People that are just conniving in the shadows to ruin her good name and strip her miraculous character of all nuance.

Evil laughing guffawing like fucking Alvin and Chipmunks villains. As they rub their hands together and laugh with their high pitch voices of sin.

Mwahahah-

"Look at her bloody evil covered in sin we've done it- We've ruined and flattened this character! We've achieved! Yaha!" They possibly imagine people who discuss her in disagreeable ways cheering as they hit that post button with a menacing grin. Just like Kotoko doing her fucking journalism and all that research.

It's so funny how much both parties in this situation have in common with Kotoko when one takes a step back to really think about it.

Hell, some fans of Milgram look at the work the staff on the series does and how certain characters have been portrayed in canon over the course of trial two the same way as people are being viewed in this situation for how they discuss Kotoko. Something that has been happening for a while. The people who create the thing aren't even exempt from this sort of behavior.

There are a good deal of people who act like this toward others then go crying about how there isn't enough nuance being applied in these situations. How people just aren't thinking about these things hard enough or in the right way. When really there is nuance just not the sort they want.

I talk about Milgram for my own enjoyment.

I'm not getting anything from this outside of displaying that enjoyment for the most part. I don't have a vendetta against Kotoko as a character. None of the Milgram characters are the people who consider themselves to be their fans.

How the people that claim to like these characters treat other real people is completely on them, reflective of their character, and ability for empathy. Simply put they chose to treat other people the ways they did and they are responsible for that regardless of how in the right they believe they are.

Yet, even if some bad actors who call themselves fans of hers consistently caused me strife that doesn't impact how much I like Kotoko's character. Just like me discussing her in a not completely positive light isn't indicative of my feelings on her either.

I can separate a character from their fans. I had a lot of practice with other prisoners before this. I can criticize a characters actions while still grasping and understanding their motivations. This is just another Monday where I talk about the things I like the way I enjoy discussing them. This trial is like every other trial to me.

In my opinion the fandom hasn't changed one bit and if anyone were to pop the hood they'd see all the gunked up gears inside. Yet, heed this warning once you go under you don't go back up top without getting dirty.

That's Milgram and it always has been.

This is what this fandom is like. A lot of good people are trying to make the best of it. Even those mistakenly hurting others in their upset are just trying to look out for their own enjoyment. Possibly in what may be the only way they know how to in this moment. That's really the only grace I can extend at this time.

So, as always when I discuss things like this within the fandom- Remember to treat people how you would personally like to be treated. How you would want your opinions and beliefs to be treated. Remember that this fandom is a space for more people than yourself. So, not everyone is going to view things the same way as you.

Take a step back and realize how amazing and enriching that fact can be. Take a moment to appreciate the diversity that each person within this fandom contributes to it. Whether that's for better or worse.

If someone's views aren't doing any harm to real people then the best thing to be is respectful. No one would want another person to walk up to them then tell them they're enjoying something they like improperly. Yes someone's individual beliefs can upset another person and be in direct opposition to what they believe but that's not causing anyone harm. Not everyone I meet in my life is going to agree with my personal beliefs or how I present them.

That does not diminish the value of those beliefs.

Diversity of thought isn't an issue. It's only becomes an issue when those thoughts turn into actions that hurt people. In fact, diversity of thought is how nuance is formed. The thing some are saying Kotoko's case does not have enough of. Which is why that statement rings so disingenuous to me across fandoms not just here.

If for some reason it's impossible for another person to be considerate and respectful of the other individuals they share a space with then they should remove themselves from that space. There is no reason for anyone to actively antagonize others on their posts in a bad faith, disrespectful, and reductive ways. There's especially no reason to direct message someone in an attempt to make them feel insecure or uncertain about something they've posted just because one may personally disagree with it.

I'm not sorry about the way I discuss Kotoko.

I am sorry that so many people are more concerned over the perception of a fictional character that they've begun stepping on the feelings and boundaries of the real people they share a space with. I'm ashamed that individuals in the fandom have and are continuing to act the ways I've experienced, seen, and heard of them acting towards people.

All of whom do quite frankly thankless work at times. I can only hope that the people who have behaved in this manner over the course of the series mature one day and recognize how detrimental their actions have been not only for themselves but to those around them.

This is the only time I will be discussing this situation in depth.

Now onto the questions.

I'm going to be brief with some of these because I didn't really feel like they gave much of anything new.

Q.11 Is there really no chance to start anew for wrongdoers?

Kotoko: No way. Once a beast gets a taste for human flesh, it will always come back for seconds.

From the beginning Kotoko hasn't been focused on if people can change. She has been focused on making them understand the suffering and pain they've caused. She's stated that people can't realize the severity of what they've done without first losing something themselves in her second voice drama,

"Es, look. Someone who committed a crime can only realise its severity through losing something. I've seen many criminals, but none of them would give way without pain."

Yet, this goes as far back as her first trial song.

"I’ll teach you the pain you caused. It’s a tie after saying sorry? What are you hoping for?"

Where she blatantly states that this isn't about apologizing and making amends it's about the other person experiencing the same pain as they caused. Throughout Harrow we also see that one of the people that Kotoko jumps has been held accountable by a court of law. However as we know from Kotoko's seventh second trial written interrogation question she has her doubts about the legal systems ability to properly punish sin.

So, she may not believe that a punishment handed down by judiciary is good enough in this circumstance. Especially for an individual implied to be a repeat offender. Him possibly getting a slap on the wrist for something he has a pattern of doing would probably only frustrate her more.

Especially if Kotoko was connected to the person he swindled in any way. Then that would make this situation more of a personal one.

So, let's take a look back at the articles from Harrow. For the record this is more speculative so feel free to ignore it.

I just felt there was something strange about the newspaper articles in her case. On of them is about a serial killer going around murdering young girls. Yet the others are mostly petty financially exploitative crimes that expressly take advantage of an elderly woman, moms, and bike owners.

That a pretty huge leap in severity. I wouldn't really think that much of it if it weren't for what we know about Kotoko.

Q.08  Tell us your family structure.

Kotoko: Grandmother, father, mother, older brother.

Q.08 What are your parent’s occupations?

Kotoko: They’re just the normal office worker and housewife. Did you want me to be born in with some unique circumstances?

In the translation there are two articles that stick out the most to me in reference to this information.

The one about the Bank Employee Impersonation scam where an elderly eighty year old woman was stalked and tricked into giving up a bank note for five hundred thousand yen or three thousand two hundred ninety four dollars and eight three cents in USD. The perpetrator of this crime was later identified as Mikio Oshii the person we see Kotoko jumping in Harrow and alluded to going to jump in Deep Cover.

I think it's possible and reasonable to speculate the first elderly woman that Mikio Oshii scammed was Kotoko's grandmother. Something that may have caused her to be interested in the case to begin with. I say first instead of second because it seems she was looking into it before the second case even occurred.

The second article referring to the fortieth victim of a "It's Me" Phone scam where a woman received a phone call from a man claiming to be their eldest son stating they'd been in an accident and needed money. Ultimately the man ended up scamming the woman out of a million yen. Stating that he'd been hospitalized due to the accident and needed the money he told her to deliver it to a train station which she did. That's another six thousand five hundred and eighty nine dollars and sixty-six cents gone.

Oh yeah Kotoko has an older brother and her mom is a housewife right? Huh... She implies that her family circumstances aren't unique through asking if we wanted her to be born under some unique circumstances. Yet, her life is a lot more interesting when you really look at everything laid out.

Her father is the sole earner of the household. Yet she goes to a top law university and managed to study martial arts from a young age. They're not rich like Mu's family but they're comfortably middle class at least. Yet this means a few scams like this and Kotoko's family would suddenly find it incredibly financially difficult to cover her university costs.

I asked Bunny about what her tuition costs would look like, and they stated,

Ok the amount I found for the University of Tokyo's law department was 804,000円 per year or $5298 per year

Then because I asked what the average office worker salary was.

kotoko uses the term 'kaishain' which is very generic 'office worker'/'company employee so as you said, lots of variation but this is apprently the average

If we go by ungendered average (4,610,000 yen) then its roughly $30,000 per year

Meaning the amount of money that her family members could have possibly lost for these scams is over the amount of how much one year of tuition would cost her.

"How heavy “HARROW” “HARROW” Is the damage to get in the way of someone’s dream- I’ll gouge you out with my fangs."/ "How heavy “HARROW” “HARROW” If it damaged someone’s dream to the points of stopping it- I’ll gouge you out with my fangs."

Not having the money to cover your next year is a good enough reason for anyone to take a break. Whoa Gunsli you just spent the whole first segment of this explaining that people were harping on Kotoko having trauma too much but now you're speculating-

Well, I also said I talk about the things that interest me. The fact that Kotoko's family members could have suffered from financially exploitative scams by the people she jumped. Well, that's pretty damn interesting.

Especially when we take this interaction between her and Mikoto into consideration,

20/07/01

Mikoto: Hey, hey, Koto-chan. I’ve been thinking this ever since I first heard your name, but don’t you think the names “Mikoto” and “Kotoko” kinda sound like siblings?

Kotoko: No.

Mikoto: Don’t say that! Let’s get along well from here on as the Koto-Koto combo!

Kotoko: I’m not doing that.

It's incredibly funny to me personally to imagine Kotoko possibly just disliking Mikoto because he reminds her of her actual older brother with his careless and flippant behavior. Hell one of the bikes stolen could have actually been her older brothers. Yet, this also showcases that she may hold a great importance in her family. Be it found or through blood.

Something she's consistently shown to be committed to. She's the sort to want to protect her pack is the best way to put it. I don't even know if this can be considered trauma or being incredibly unlucky. This would also explain why she's so hypervigilant around others and standoffish when it comes to the other prisoners at first.

If she's used to being in a close proximity to scammers and conman of course she'd be suspicious from jump.

20/05/30

Mahiru: Hey, Kotoko-chan. There’s something that’s really been bugging me, so do you mind if I ask? ……how do you style yourself so well? Have you always dressed like that? But it also looks like something you’d wear for training. Do you play sport? Ah, or maybe some kind of martial arts?

Kotoko: ……you really are carefree. Everyone in here is a “murderer” right? Is this really the time to be asking questions like that?

Mahiru: Hmm, I guess so. That’s what they said. But nobody here seems particularly scary or anything, right? If I had to pick someone, then maybe you’re the scariest! Ah, wait, do you do like yoga or something?

Kotoko: ……I can’t tell if you’re making fun of me or are just an airhead.

It would also fall in line with her going by Es' word because even though she doesn't really have much faith in Es just the merit of Milgram as a system. Then she may recognize she's simply a bit oblivious when it comes to the behavior of other people, knows she isn't the best judge of these things, and doesn't want the responsibility in case she's wrong. Sure she's confident that she'll know evil when she sees it but living with the what if's is a bit more difficult when it's all on you. Ultimately this is purely speculative and the people she jumped could be completely uninvolved with her.

However, the reason I doubt that is because of this line in Harrow-

"Whose fault is it, This is getting ridiculous."

We're never really told whose she's looking for and why. It's fair to assume that it was the child murderer but she continues going even after taking care of him as we see in Deep Cover. So what the fuck is this line referring to?

Plus it would make sense if she was suddenly no longer financially able to go to college anymore. Kotoko doesn't show a disinterest in law. In fact though she scrutinizes the justice system her interest in it seems genuine. She probably had an interest in cleaning it up from the inside and since being in Milgram she's shown an interest in continuing her studies repeatedly. So, if that was the dream that was stopped then it'd make sense if due to Milgram she began to believe it was possible again.

Especially since she went from blatantly stating she dropped out in her first voice drama to stating she's just on leave because there's something else she wants to do right now in her first written interrogation.

Q.07 What did you study at university?

Kotoko: Technically, I’m studying law. I’m on a break right now because there’s something else I want to do, though.

This would also fall in line with her belief that once an offender always an offender. As she would have been there to witness how some people behave even if it wasn't her who was actively victimized by them and just people close to her. Something that would tie into her very defensive response to this question,

Q.18  Have you ever personally been persecuted in the past?

Kotoko: I haven’t. But are you trying to say that if you haven’t had those experiences you can’t hate evildoers?

Plus I feel it would explain why literally outside of the child murders everything else on her board is a petty crime. This could just be a tidbit meant to mirror how Haruka works his way up from animals to people. Yet I don't think so because Kotoko goes from taking out a serial killer to jumping a conman. It's also possible that Kotoko and the serial killer are related in some way. Maybe through the hit and run.

From the beginning of Harrow Kotoko is flashing to the memorial and call for information on the hit and run. That we later find out the person she kills is speculated of being responsible for as well. If Kotoko was a witness to the hit and run in some way she would have more reason to assume the worse of this guy. She would also know the lengths that people involved with this person had gone to in order to cover up his heinous behavior and enable him.

Making it more likely for her to believe that if he wasn't taken care of then and there he'd just end up getting another slap on the wrist again. Or basically that this was the only way of handling the situation.

However outside of all that what Kotoko says here could also be a simple case of projection. Where she believes that others can't change because she thinks she can't either. Note that in her answer she moves away from her usual wording of discussing things in terms of good and evil.

Instead stating,

"No way. Once a beast gets a taste for human flesh, it will always come back for seconds."

Despite the question only asking about wrongdoers not murderers she immediately jumps there by saying once a beast gets a taste of human flesh. Kotoko also very similarly to Mikoto fears that she is the beast or monster that she's trying to fight.

Plus, her very first glitched voice line is-

"This feels so good."

Making it likely that a bit of her own self-hatred is coming through with this answer. Making me interpret it as her going I can't stop so how would they be able to.

Q.12 But aren’t 'your' actions an overstep of boundaries?

Kotoko: You were the one who chose to walk this path with me, aren’t you? I simply serve as a means to fulfill your wishes as a warden.

Remember when I said I was going to make some of these brief. I agree with Kotoko here. Like the audience supported her mindset. She put on full display she jumps criminals and she was in a place where others had already been judged as criminals. Before she was even on trial the others started showing signs of being viewed that way. I mean what can I say other than yeah the audience choose that. I didn't. I didn't vote on her first trial.

Like in the first half she's right. The second half she's lying. Like she hasn't even asked Es what they want her to do. Es is the warden. However, technically Kotoko does not consider Es to be the warden. She considers the audience to be the warden and Es to be just another prisoner being used as a proxy for the audience the real wardens. As shown through Deep Cover,

"“UNDER” Inept “011 Guard”"

And like some of the audience did want those people jumped. Hell, some celebrated them being jumped. So, like maybe we've wrapped back around to her just being right. Still I don't have much to say about this.

Q.13 Was the person you killed evil?

Kotoko: Of course. I’ve investigated to the very end and confirmed every detail. It’s easier here since you’re the one who’s deciding who gets punished.

I believe in journalist Kotoko to be unbiased and fair. She is fair and just. No one would ever wrongfully report on an event in the music videos where it's put on fully display that news outlets cannot be trusted as one's sole source of information several different ways. In a series where the voice drama of the very second prisoner discusses the pitfalls of tabloids and news shows.

I don't believe her by the way.

I believe that she believes she researched it thoroughly. However, she did just attempt to jump four people solely based on the opinion of what appears to be a middle schooler. So, who's to say. Then ended this by saying it's easier now that she has said middle schooler here to decide who gets punished.

In fairness she could be referring to the audience but we all know how much we know. So, that's hardly any better. I'd feel safer if she was making the decisions herself actually and I know she's going to jump Mikoto if she does. Maybe they would just be in constant combat like Wile E Coyote and the Road Runner. Then at least everyone else would be good.

Q.14 Don’t you feel a sense of isolation in your current situation?

Kotoko: It feels like nothing's changed. If the world gets even a little better just by me undertaking this isolation, then that is the role the strong play.

Hey, she's committed to being alone just like Mikoto is committed to that job. If the world can't change that's the world's problem you just keep doing you. Never introspect. If nothing has changed that really means the world hasn't gotten better or worse. Yet, you know maybe if you keep doing the same things over and over the outcome will change.

Also sidenote she wasn't really talking to anyone like that. Why would she mind the isolation like who does she miss. The one girl that's nice to her she put in a cast. She could go see her. Hell, she doesn't have any hard feelings about the jumping thing. She said so in her second voice drama. Kotoko does not have to be alone.

Mikoto even tried talking to her on her birthday. Shidou and Kazui tried to negotiate a ceasefire and have been since the first trial of trial two. People talk to her! Plus, they aren't really rude when she comes up and talks to them.

Literally everyone is over here like,

Kazui: Come join us in sin Kotoko.

Mikoto: Yeah come in the sin is fine~ Koto-koto duo!

Yuno: Come on a little sin never hurts- Do it just smile.

Mahiru: We're not so different- We could all get along if we try. Let's have fun!

Kotoko: ... (They’re still here, still here, it grates me.)

In Kotoko vision meanwhile they're all here in actuality like,

Yuno: Does she like want something?

Mahiru: Maybe she feels bad about what she did.

Shidou: ... Possibly. (Shiina is so hopeful. Though why is Yuzuriha-kun making growling noises...)

Kotoko: Sinful...all of them.

Amane: ???

Kazui and Mikoto aren't even here she's just still mad about them interfering.

Q.15 Tell us the details of your promise with Haruka.

Kotoko: Looks like you’ve done your research. Well, it’s something I won’t go forward with myself. I do feel a bit disappointed about it though.

Look I've been writing this for two days and if I don't finish before her next question drops, I'm going to feel obligated to add that too. So, no lead up with this one.

The way this question is phrased heavily implies exactly what Haruka will be doing over the course of the intermission. Which will be killing our favorite good girl,

Yuno Kashiki.

Or at least attempting to. Kotoko expressly states that what Haruka is doing is something she wouldn't go forward with herself. The thing that Kotoko has taken a hard stance against is attacking the innocent or forgiven.

Something that Kotoko has repeatedly stated herself that she would not do,

Specifically in these instances.

22/08/05 (Kazui’s Birthday)

Kotoko: ……Mukuhara Kazui. Thanks to you, I wasn’t able to properly serve justice to those who did something unforgivable. I’m currently acting as an agent for our prison guard Es. Don’t get in my way next time.

Kazui: Oi oi, don’t be silly, Yuzuriha-chan. There’s no way I could just look away from your outrageous display of violence. Anyway, even disregarding the fact violence against those voted guilty isn’t a part of Milgram’s system, what you’re doing is just acting recklessly based on a broad interpretation. As long as I’m free myself, I’ll stop you.

Kotoko: ……what a pointless argument. Hmph. Since Es forgives you, I have no choice but to forgive you myself too. If you're to keep to your word, then you’d best do what you can to keep being forgiven. If you’re not, then next time you’ll be one of my targets.

Kazui: Oh, how scary. That girl truly is frightening. ……well then, I wonder what the guard will decide to do with me. That’s the one thing I really can’t make out. Honestly……

"Hurting the innocent through violence, taking from others, killing people... I can't stand it at all! There are too many cases of The Law being unable to deliver a verdict to sinning. Just by exploiting loopholes in the law, the sinners who have bullied and tortured the weak can still live out their lives unpunished! I want to change this world but I alone only have so much power!"

Q.20 What do you consider “evil”?

Kotoko: The persecution of the weak and innocent.

That's Kotoko's hard line she's not going to attack people who have been deemed innocent. Because she genuinely believes the persecution of the weak and innocent is wrong. We don't have to worry about Haruka attacking Amane because Kotoko said he's going to do something she wouldn't which she admitted she would have done that,

"Ah, about that... My apologies. I couldn't give enough pain to Kayano Mikoto and Momose Amane."

..! You..!

"I attacked everyone in order, but because of the interference caused by Kayano Mikoto and Mukuhara Kazui, who was protecting Kajiyama Fuuta, I couldn't finish it properly. But I was still able to do some damage. After attacking Shiina Mahiru, I had no time left for Momose Amane."

You've planned... on attacking Amane too?

"That's right. You haven't forgiven her, so wouldn't it be justified?"

But she's just a child...

"So what? This "child" is kept here because she murdered a person, isn't she?"

Right...

"You thought I won't attack her because of the young age? Sorry for disappointing you. It's all because of my lack of strength."

Whether Kotoko behaves this way because she genuinely believes hurting the innocent and weak is wrong or because she wants her actions to be justifiable in the eyes of the law is completely secondary. The point is this in fact tells us what Haruka is going to do through the process of elimination. We know all the things Kotoko would do and one thing that she wouldn't.

She basically just tells us without telling us. Now one could debate that Kotoko wouldn't harm herself either. So, that could still be all Haruka is going to do. Yeah, that'd be reasonable but there's also foreshadowing of him being jealous of Yuno and under the belief that she is the audiences favorite out of their pair.

Or the one who wound up getting the most attention. Including parallels between their trial two songs.

I just want to be your good boy-I will keep on killing to be a good boy/Caressing me with your “Good girl”- Who needs your self-righteous pardon?

Like she has what he wants and he bluntly states in his second trial interrogation-

Q.20 Did you hate the person you killed?

Haruka: I wonder if I did. I was jealous of them.

Man I doubt Haruka would be jealous of the person who is right after him who has been innocent twice. It's not like he was already upset about the idea that the audience and Es would change his verdict this trial.

Meanwhile Yuno is over here like,

Yuno: They keep telling me what a good girl I am. How I've never done anything wrong and never could. Who needs that type of half-assed shit.

Haruka: *collapsed on the ground trying to reach a blunt object struggling for air* (It could have been me! I wanted to be the good one- I've been the good one! I've been practicing better communication and everything- She doesn't even want it!)

Yuno: Like really who do these people think they are? Who needs words like those filled to the brim with self-righteousness and demeaning assumptions. They're all so gross can't they just disappear. Innocent- Ugh, like shut up already nobody even asked for your opinion.

Haruka: *sustaining psychic damage on the ground sobbing* (SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT IT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW GOOD SHE HAS IT!)

Though he could end up attacking any of the innocent prisoners. It doesn't have to be Yuno. So thanks for telling us it's at least something you wouldn't do yourself that really narrows it down. It's either that or he's attacking Shidou or Kazui. Though Haruka does specify he can kill anything smaller than him in his second voice drama and Yuno fits the description best out of those who have been consistently innocent.

Q.16 Do you think there are the ‘weak’ among the other prisoners?

Kotoko: I’m sure there’s a lot. Those with weak wills will easily turn to evil. The only thing we can do is firmly instill the risk of turning to it.

So, the way this question was translated confused me and I ended up asking @doctorbunny what exactly was going on with it. This is what he said.

囚人の中に弱者いると思うか？ shuujin no naka ni (Amongst the prisoners) jakusha iru (there are weak people/'the weak') to omou ka? (do you think) aka Do you think any of the prisoners are weaklings?

A few questions ago Kotoko considered herself to be 強者/kyousha/a strong person

Q.14 Don’t you feel a sense of isolation in your current situation?

Kotoko: It feels like nothings changed. If the world gets even a little better just by me undertaking this isolation, then that is the role the strong play.

This was the conclusion from this exchange based on the answer provided.

Given that Kotoko stated she was sure there are a lot of weaklings amongst the prisoners. Then choose to elaborate stating that those with weak wills easily turn to evil. Causing the only thing we (in this case being Es and her the strong as she stated herself to be earlier in this interrogation) can only firmly instill the risk of turning to it.

This can only imply one thing that she punishes weaklings as well if they are at risk of turning to evil. Because she blatantly states that there are weaklings here within the prison and in her second trial song tells blatantly states that them still being here grates her and implies she'd like them to guilty. So, she recognizes they're weak and states that as why they turn to evil as well. So she's just saying the weak can be evil and deserve to be punished like anyone else to be dissuaded from doing evil.

People needing to be dissuaded from doing evil is a belief she was open about in her second voice drama Yonah.

"Es, look. Someone who committed a crime can only realise its severity through losing something. I've seen many criminals, but none of them would give way without pain." - "When a person who killed someone is met with violence, it's called "karmic retribution". Don't you have such a feeling?"

"If you sin, You need to do more than be atoned. It’s karma dude!"

This answer serves to further contextualize her second trial glitched voice line as well,

"From the beginning I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing Earth closer to peace. Useless Weaklings should just shut up and let me protect them!"

Kotoko basically came out and said the quiet part out loud. That she attacks weaklings too. At least if they're at risk of turning to evil or to dissuade them from it. Still given the phrasing of the question was difficult for me to grasp and I genuinely couldn't believe she would just say that I asked him to look into the answer too.

Again sorry Bunny for the inconvenience. At first, he came back with this,

たくさんいるでしょうね。takusan iru deshou ne. = There's a lot, [of prisoners who are weaklings] aren't there. 弱いではあぐ悪に転ぶ 。Yowai dewa agu(?) aku ni korobu. = 悪に転ぶリスクを不直え(??)付けるしかない。aku ni korobu risuku wo fu naoe tsukeru shikanai.

But ended up having to ask another party for help. Then came back with this later on.

OK so 囚人の中に弱者いると思うか？- shuujin no naka ni jakusha iru to omou ka? - Do you think any of the prisoners are weaklings? たくさんいるでしょうね。- takusan iru deshou ne - A lot of them are, aren't they. 弱い心はすぐ悪に転ぶ 。yowai kokoro wa sugu aku ni korobu - [people with] Weak minds/spirits readily turn to evil. 悪に転ぶリスクを植え付けるしかない - aku ni korobu risuku wo uetsukeru shikanai. - I have no choice but to instil the risks of turning to evil Weak one of these www

So, that's the full breakdown of that.

Personally, I'd interpret the question and answer this way given all this-

Q.16 Do you think there are weak people amongst the prisoners?

Kotoko: A lot of them are, aren't they? Weak minds easily turn to doing evil. I have no choice but to instill the risks of resorting to such things.

So, she is bluntly stating that she reprimands the weak too in order to make sure that they resort to evil as well. Which, um I've been bringing up this line a lot but- Here it goes again.

"From the beginning I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing Earth closer to peace. Useless Weaklings should just shut up and let me protect them!"

So, it's not this is even new either. She'll punish the weak too. Why else would she be yelling this at someone she considers a weakling? This isn't really a friendly thing to yell and she didn't sound friendly when she yelled it either. I'm glad she established that with very little prompting... The second statement didn't even pertain to the fucking question. She just added that second part on. Kotoko I said this for Mikoto before his trial but girl shut the fuck up. Learn to lie by omission better and on paper. You did not have to fucking write that girl you didn't specify what the fuck Haruka was planning you were pretty vague then.

Why didn't you keep that fucking energy? Nobody fucking asked for an elaboration. You could have kept it to a simple yeah some people here are weak. Listen not everything has to be more than one sentence start leaving shit blank, start scribbling on the page.

(Star here- I think she's trying to be personable in a similar way to how she's tried with Es in both her voice dramas. However, not only is it detrimental to her case as a whole, it also gives off a way different vibe when written down instead of spoken.)

What Star typed is incredibly fair. I Just find it a bit funny because Kotoko that wasn't the question. You didn't have to add that. All I can say is at least Kotoko tends to be honest. Sometimes too honest if she really doesn't think the topic of discussion or her beliefs on it are a problem. I'm just a bit flabbergasted. Like why I don't understand. Why say that?

I just... Do I really have to say anything else about this it kind of speaks for itself. Well that's really all I have to say on that situation and these questions. So, yeah if you made it this far thanks for reading this to the end. These are just my thoughts on this and I hope that even if you don't like them some of what's here can at least help you understand where I'm coming from.

[resurrection-of-soul]

Flashback | BIOHAZARD 10

Writer: Akira (日日日)

Characters: Rei, Kaoru, Koga, Keito, Adonis

Koga: (Now that you mention it, Ricchi can be pretty rude too. I mean, sometimes he'll just go "move it" n' literally kick me outta the way.)

[ For the best viewing experience, please read directly on my blog! ♪ ]

Kaoru: So basically, it's totally your fault, Sakuma-san.

Rei: Ehhh~? Okay, sure, go ahead n' just blame it aaaaaaall on lil' ol' me¹~ ♪

Rei: (Why does past me have such a rotten attitude!?)

Koga: (People get fooled by yer old man gimmick, but even nowadays you can give people some serious attitude.) (At the very least, y'ain't real polite, goin' around puttin' your feet up on tables n' stuff like some kinda delinquent.)

Rei: (Ritsu also tends to put his feet up on the furniture, you see. ♪ When siblings share the same habits, you find yourself thinking, "they must be close ♪" That sort of thing serves well as a conversation starter, does it not?)

Koga: (Now that you mention it, Ricchi can be pretty rude too. I mean, sometimes he'll just go "move it" n' literally kick me outta the way.)

Rei: (The two of us hold such high-ranking positions within our clan that none dared to scold us even when we exhibited such disrespectful behavior.)

Koga: (Haaah. On top a' that you're way too soft on Ricchi, so there's no way ya ever managed to scold 'im the way an older brother should, huh.)

Adonis: (Quiet. Our past selves seem to be talking about something important.)

Kaoru: After the "Dead Man's Live" the other day, Sakuma-san ran off and went overseas without a word—

Rei: I had work to do, okay? I'm focused on overseas activities. It's my literal job.

Kaoru: Mhm. But, like, because of that, the followers you left behind here in Japan started imitating your worst behaviors and causing all sorts of trouble?

Keito: Sakuma-san's…followers?

Koga: Th-the hell're you lookin' at me for?

Kaoru: Ahaha. You remember how Sakuma-san called on all the delinquents who were hanging around to act as his allies during the "Dead Man's Live," right?

Rei: Oh, if we're talkin' about that, it was just for the competition. So what?

Kaoru: So everyone, like, totally misunderstood? They're like, "we're friends with Sakuma Rei, a world-class superstar."

Rei: Ughhh…

Kaoru: And because of that, they've gotten totally carried away, going around calling themselves "vampires" and causing all kinds of havoc by running wild, eating and drinking excessively without paying for a thing. "We're underlings of the Sakuma Rei, so hold your heads high! Don't hold back!" or whatever. Just checking here but you're not, like, the one telling them to act this way, right? Cause those "vampires," they're going around all like, "If you've got any complaints, go tell 'em to our boss, Sakuma Rei!" and stuff, y'know?

Rei: Are ya stupid? What would I get outta tellin' people to do such a shitty imitation of me? It's just a buncha morons who misunderstood and went wild on their own. Borrowin' the tiger's terror²… Man, they're even dumber than I thought.

Kaoru: Yeah, I figured it was something like that? Still, those guys really are like "vampires." They take in other delinquents and add them to their ranks, quickly multiplying their numbers. In terms of size and general vibe, they're almost like one of those color gangs³ from a while back. When they eat and run, or start fights in front of stores, it disrupts business. This area's already in the middle of a recession, so, like, even small stuff like that ends up being a huge blow. You get what I'm saying? You've gotta clean up after yourself. These people showed up because of you, Sakuma-san, so you should take care of it somehow. The local businesses even pooled their resources and put together some reward money. Oh yeah, on that topic, I'm acting as the point of contact since we go to the same school, but I want you to think of this as a request from everyone in the neighborhood. Of course, if push comes to shove, I'll totally call the cops. But, y'know, most Yumenosaki students come from influential families, so… Who knows whether the police will actually do their jobs properly. Things would go way more smoothly if you guys could just deal with it, y'know? That's why I'm like, totally counting on you to slay the "vampires" ♪

Rei: Ahaha. Funny coincidence, never thought I'd end up imitatin' Van Helsing.

Keito: You're usually more of a Count Dracula, after all.

Rei: …Well, I understand the situation. I mean, I'd already more or less figured it out, so I went ahead n' took the initiative. Here, look. He seems kinda pitiful given the way we've just been ignorin' 'im the whole time, but I already caught the culprit.

Adonis: ……..

Keito: I don't understand. What do you mean, Otogari is the culprit?

Rei: I mean this guy here's the vampires' boss. To go back to the Dracula analogy, the best way to kill him is by drivin' a stake through his heart to stop him from movin' and then decisively cuttin' off the head. And this, right here, is the vampire's head. In short, if we get rid of this guy, the incident'll be resolved. Simple, ain't it? ♪

Adonis: ......

[ ☆ ]

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ore-sama-chan. This man is so annoying (complimentary).

Taken from the title of the Chinese fable "The Fox Borrows the Tiger's Terror," this is an idiom meaning to bully or frighten people using someone else's authority.

A type of Japanese street gang which aims to imitate the look and feel of American street gangs, though it should be noted that color gangs tend to be more of a "rebellious youth" thing than an actual crime thing. Some of them do get up to actual serious crimes, of course, but the majority of color gangs exist to unnerve adults, disrupt the peace, and give rowdy teens an excuse to punch other rowdy teens. Picture a bunch of weirdly color-coordinated delinquents committing petty crimes, rather than violent street gangs engaging in serious illegal activity.

[itsclydebitches]

Ted lasso ask: Was Isaac avoiding Colin because of internalized homophobia, or bc he was upset he never told him, or was it a bit of both? Did Isaac attack the fan bc he was offended by what he said or to 'defend colin's honor'?

Ted Lasso ask woo!

Personally, I think it's an "All of the above" situation. In one of my previous posts I remember catching a tag arguing that Isaac isn't experiencing internalized homophobia, presumably because he himself is not gay and yeah, that's an understandable push-back considering that a) he's not out in the show and b) I never bothered to explain there my own thoughts on the possibility. The tl;dr of that is, "I think you can make a case for Isaac being queer based on his relationship with Colin, his intense reaction to realizing a teammate is gay, the potentially defensive nature of the anti-gay/'I'm totally straight, bro' jokes he makes - which, remember, Colin himself participated in as a kind of cover, raising the possibility that others are doing the same - and the reminder from Beard that more people in the locker room are queer than the three the audience knows about: Colin, Trent, and Will."

But to keep things simple here, let's just settle on, "Isaac has been homophobic." Whether it's internalized as he grapples with his own sexuality or not, Isaac has exhibited homophobic behavior in the past and, of course, after Colin's outing. It's not "Your conservative uncle spewing slurs and issuing death threats" homophobic, but just because there's a range in how homophobia presents doesn't mean it's not, you know, still homophobia. So that's something Isaac needed to deal with last episode. He's spent years making comments based in homophobia ("It's a little gay, isn't it?") and making assumptions about others presumed straightness (why in the world would Colin want privacy to delete those photos?), so when he's suddenly faced with the fact that someone he cares about is gay... he needs time to process that. Trent hit the nail on the head with his "give him a minute" line because not only do people need time when their worldview suddenly shifts like that, but it's a rare and joyous case where they react to that change solely with open-minded positivity. In Isaac's case, he used avoidance and anger as shields until he could come to terms with that change, significantly with Roy's help.

When Isaac says that he's upset that Colin didn't tell him I don't think he's lying... but I also don't think that's the entire truth. If this was only about Colin's trust in him then Isaac would have led with that from the get-go: seconds after he's taken Colin's phone it's, 'You're gay? Awesome! But man, why didn't you tell me? :( ' That obviously didn't happen. Trust is undoubtedly a part of Isaac's complicated feelings, but I think that only occurred to him after he'd come to terms with Colin being gay in the first place. Isaac had to accept that change in his worldview as well as this change in his perception of Colin and then, once he was in a place of, 'Yeah, yeah, Colin is my friend and teammate, of COURSE I accept him' he's able to go, ]Wait... why didn't he tell me??' and that anger becomes the next shield. By and large, people struggle to admit to their mistakes and they really struggle to admit to something as hurtful as, 'My homophobia was so deeply ingrained that unfortunately there was a moment where I wasn't sure I could get past that.' Once Isaac DOES get past it and it becomes unthinkable to him that he would have ever rejected Colin over something like who he's attracted to... it becomes that much harder to remember/acknowledge that, for an undetermined length of time, Isaac did exactly that. Don't talk to me (ignoring direct peace offerings). Don't touch me (removing his hand from under Colin's in the team pile-up). You're an easy target for my frustrations now that I know how freakish you are (screaming at Colin during the match). Isaac's homophobia was deep enough that it made him incredibly cruel for a time, so when he grows out of that of course he's going to struggle to admit precisely how cruel he was. So he doesn't. Isaac apologizes, but it's still deflected with this not-entirely-accurate justification of, 'I was mad you never told me.' Which doesn't make Isaac a bad person, it just makes him a person, period, with flaws and contradictions and the chance to improve.

All of which I think applies to the attack on the fan. Why does Isaac lash out like that?

Because he's still overcoming all the homophobia he's learned and he sees an accusation of being gay as the ultimate insult to his team

Because he may be struggling with his sexuality himself, so an accusation directed at him is even worse. It's not just that it may touch a nerve, but that anger is the only way to protect himself here: become enraged so that everyone watching - teammates, coaches, fans, the press, the world - knows that you're DEFINITELY not gay. That's unthinkable. That's impossible. That's worthy of an attack because to brush it off would be to implicitly suggest that being gay is okay and that's just one step from admitting that maybe you ARE gay. The fact that Isaac's dialogue is centered around, "What did you call me?" is one of the reasons why I personally read him as closeted/potentially not having questioned his own sexuality yet.

Because it wasn't actually a 'You're gay' accusation but a slur hurled by someone who is (presumably) not a part of the community and therefore has no right to reclaim it.

Because even while he struggles to accept Colin, Isaac still loves Colin so yes, there's that element of defending his honor.

Because his anger is reaching a tipping point and this attack - perfectly tailored to push the very buttons he's trying and failing to ignore - is what causes it to boil over.

So Isaac is complicated (because he's a well-written character!) and thus for me it's "All of the above." Personally, I LOVE that the episode's final scene didn't have Isaac suddenly being a Perfect Ally now. Not only is he asking a ton of questions that, while understandable, would make a lot of queer people uncomfortable af, especially given that they highlight Isaac's continuing biases (Colin is a very good friend for giving him the nonjudgmental space to ask all that), but he's also unable to say "I love you." What exactly does that mean? Perhaps that Isaac's residual homophobia won't let him say that to a man, especially a man he now knows is gay. Perhaps that the toxic masculinity he's grown up around - which is intimately tied to the homophobia - won't let him say it as a man, a black man, a man in a position of authority (note that Isaac is not there when the others scream Sam's, "I love you guys so very much!"). Perhaps it means that there is an element of internalized homophobia and Isaac can't say that to any man yet, let alone one he might be attracted to. Perhaps it's, again, all of the above. It's up to interpretation, but the takeaways is that of course Isaac loves Colin - he's eager to ensure Colin knows that in his own way - but the environment he's grown up in and his own personal struggles won't let him say the words yet. That's okay. Colin recognizes that it's okay, just gently pointing out that Isaac can't say it and silently encouraging him to continue working on that, regardless of what reason - or reasons - it's difficult in the first place.

[thehitchhikerguide]

Season 2, Episode 6: Videodate

Let me start out by saying this is one of the best episodes I've seen so far. The sleeze, the revenge plot, crazy 80's visuals...all perfect for a Hitchhiker episode.

The famous guest star this week is Shannon Tweed, known for being in some not-so-recognizable movies and also for being Gene Simmon's wife. I know her from Hot Dog...The Movie, which I guess is a must see for anyone who has ever been a skier or just likes a lot of full-frontal in their movies. The main male character is played by Gregg Henry, who looks to have a decent acting career, but I didn't recognize him. I thought he maybe looked like a low rent James Woods.

We start out with a woman who has very 80's hair watching a video dating service tape of a guy who is making it out to be his first time doing something like this. She is charmed by his vulnerability.

You can see by her joker-like smile, he has sealed the deal. He takes her out to an art exhibit and I have to say this is something I would love to go to even now. There is an area where you can smash a TV:

I mean, that is a really fun date!

Then we see the exhibit of a hot new artist named Monique. Wait, what? It's always weird when I hear other characters on TV with my name, since I don't hear it too often. I guess with a Canadian show, it was just a matter of time.

This is an art exhibit I would love to go to. People with TV heads that play some sort of strange video. It's creepy and disturbing and I'm all in for it.

This one represents the woman TV head's fantasy of running off with another man (shown on the TV). Of course our male character decides to man-splain to his date and also mention that he knows the artist. She seems to be watching this conversation behind him, unamused.

At least I think that is the artist...right? I guess they don't say but it seemed obvious at this point.

By now, the date is going really well.

Well that was a cool art exhibit so I kind of get it, even though he looks like a creep whose hair is just hanging on for dear life. She seems pretty vulnerable and mentions to him that she doesn't want this to be a one night stand. He tells her what she wants to hear...

...then immediately rushes her into a cab. After she is gone, we find out that wasn't even his apartment! He has been paying his friend who is a doorman to use people's apartments for these sleezy videodates.

As he drive away, we see something we haven't seen in awhile.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, there was also this weird image and some video game noise. Not sure what this is, his car is in a video game now?

Haha, as usual, perfect butt is on display. Man, he looks like he could double for George Michael in this shot. Anyways, we see the main character interacting with the Hitchhiker. He refuses to give him a ride.

Also, we are over 8 minutes into the episode before he shows up! We learn that this main dude is named Jack Rhodes. He has a lot of disguises and thinks he is the master of the illusion. But Jack is not the only one with tricks up his sleeve. Yes! Comeuppance! Comeuppance!

So this guy Jack is actually a salesman at an electronics store. He likes to brag to his coworkers about these conquests.

Co-workers Joey McIntyre and Wallace Shawn are not impressed.

We see the female video artist at the store as he is making a sale using his dynamic personality. She is still observing his behavior with disgust. When he gets home he notices a package at his door.

Wait a minute, am I watching Lost Highway now?

We get a good look at his apartment and his "last known photo" board and notice something a little weird.

Nice, huh? But what I'm not showing is that he has a section on this board labeled "foxes" and there are no photos under there.

He settles in to watch the mysterious tape.

Oh no, why does it look like Videodrome now? How many movies are in this?

Honestly I would be crapping my pants right now.

I mean I know it's a hot babe, but this video is still very disturbing.

Anyways, it's Monique, the artist in her underwear. She is saying her name is Barbara and that she wants to go on a date with Jack. Does he think this is from the video dating service, because I wouldn't think they just plop unmarked tapes in front of his door. I thought you had to go to a place to watch the tapes. Well despite this, she's a fox and we've established he's never been with a fox so he is up for anything.

Hmm, now it looks like Blue Velvet. I should probably stop obsessing over these movie references.

Their first date is playing video games. He plays a round and then she sets out to beat his score. She is the original gamer girl! Maybe she WAS creating a videogame from videotaping his car.

I immediately recognize the video game sounds to be from the game Centipede, however the game they show is shooting the letter E for some reason.

Maybe it's also an eye test, who knows. Defeat Enron!

She cuts the date off with the promise that they will see each other again. She invites him to her place for dinner. The building looks run down and this elevator...

I know, but now it looks like we are in an Adrian Lyne movie! Okay I'll stop.

She's cooking him dinner and he is being a total gentleman.

It's not a Hitchhiker episode without someone leering.

Monique changes in a dominatrix-type outfit under her clothes. They have dinner and retire to the bedroom. Jack immediately lets Monique tie him to the bed.

She reveals her sexy outfit and asks if he wants to play a game called Blastoff. I mean, it sounds pretty sexy right? Sounds like code for something else?

She puts on this neon metronome and says he has 1 minute to free himself or he will blastoff. Pretty cryptic.

This thing keeps booping faster and faster as Monique explains that she knows how he treats other women. Jack is upset and sounds like he wants to kill her, demanding she free him. The metronome goes even faster and then...

...his genitals explode? It looks like he dies in ball of flames. Wow what an ending!

Oh wait there's more.

I guess she had been filming this whole thing for her newest art installation. The people watching the exhibit seem confused, maybe they've never seen an episode of The Hitchhiker before.

There is an announcement showing the artist Monique is there and we get this big reveal.

It's Barbara! I mean, I knew she was the artist all along, were we only supposed to get that now?

Anyways, The Hitchhiker is leaving the art museum telling us that Jack Rhodes used the state of the art in video to get what he wanted (really, VCRs state of the art?) but when he had to do it for the sake of art , he went to pieces. Haha! Good one Page! An actual joke! I think he's enjoying Jack's suffering a little more than he should.

Let that be a lesson to everyone...pick up hitchhikers.

As I said before, this was a great episode that had it all, even the confusing ending. I mean, what actually happened to Jack and how did he explode like that? It's episodes like this that keeps me coming back for more, so until next time, be nice to people named Monique!

[crest-of-gautier]

WE FUCKING GOT IT!!!!! after three hours i have 100%'d the group date cafe!

unfortunately, i think i was the one eating dirt from making yosuke into my destined partner... (though tbh i wasn't expecting much, it's yosuke, he was being yosuke and i'm not surprised, though it does make me wonder if he exhibits the same behavior to souji).

in any case, some notes about the second item that we got from the end of the dungeon... it won't be that coherent i'm still processing da information...

i have to say i was REALLY surprised with rei's reaction to zen opening the chest... like honestly that whole dialogue exchange was so intriguing to me! honestly, too intriguing, that i feel that i'll need a few days to process, let it sit, you know the deal.

the way where the items at the end of each labryinth trigger some form of memories to zen (but seemingly none for rei, albeit... rei's "memories" seem to be more gut reactions coming back than actual tangible information)... it really interests me!

i find it very interesting that zen mentions that the items belong to rei (niko the rabbit, as well as the toy ring). i'm going to operate on the assumption that what zen said is true because... to me, if you're amnesiac and slowly getting your memories back... i don't really see any reason to lie about it? if anything i'd imagine the other way to handle it would be to withhold the revelations you got (and ofc some other way of reacting that im probably not thinking of at the moment).

with this in mind, it makes me ask a few questions...

how did rei's belongings end up in the depths of the labryinths?

what is the significance of keeping these items tucked away and protected by the guardians? does zen and/or rei regaining their memories pose some threat to the state of the world/this distortion? (we know that it's finite, that's what margaret said) (i almost think that rei getting her items back could possibly heal the distortion, but not before zen and rei have a sob story once they both get their memories back? idk man i don't have much to work with)

the way in which rei reacted in this scene really struck me... i know i said that earlier but. damn. here's my livereact from obsidian because i was so. shocked. it felt really? refreshing? to see rei emote in such a way. but also mildly terrifying because she's been like " YAY FOOD! wait did you mean this food? (｡･∀･)ﾉﾞ" for most of the game so far. like holy shit.

rei's outburst is... a lot to take in, i do think that it gives some credence to my trains of thought that, hey! zen might be part of some kind of terrifying entity/the one that's created this distortion, if rei had such a reaction here. it really makes me curious how much emotion these next two items will stir up. will rei say more emotionally charged things? what other cryptic information will zen reveal?

i do like this direction though- that it's possible that even if zen desires to protect rei, and take responsibility for her wellbeing, zen pre-memory loss might've caused rei great suffering. it's a fun flavor!

i do feel that i tend to fixate on the question of "what is zen" a lot more than "what is rei," but. i think seeing that these items supposedly belong to her... and that elizabeth mentions that you wouldn't normally find living humans here... hm. i almost want to say that she's dead and that she died before the events of the game?

i liked that when chie saw the ring- she noted that it was a toy ring and that it's something you'd find at fairs. so it made me think back to the theme-ing of this world- how it's a cultural festival. i'm still not entirely certain of the significance but maybe it's something that rei wanted to see? or maybe she died here? idk. i don't really have a way to intuit rei's cause of death if she's... well, dead, but. i'm. definitely interested in seeing if there's (future) information i can use to figure this out.

OH and one last thing- i think it'd be interesting if whenever zen and rei get their memories back, they leave the party or are forced to by god knows what. unfortunately i don't think they'd do that because zen and rei, gameplay-wise, are the low-maintenance characters, but!! i'd love to be proven wrong (but i'd still enjoy them leaving the party lololol)

in any case!!! this was a good session of pq. i definitely want to play more and see what the other labryinths have to tell because i need more information in order to speculate. i think im at least 40% done with the game :D and it'll probably take me another 35 hours at minimum to finish this game, i think?

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Astronaut’s Wife (1999)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

Rosemary’s Baby is given a fresh coat of paint in The Astronaut’s Wife. Well, theoretically anyway. Neither sexy nor scary, it’s the kind of movie that might’ve had potential but didn’t even try. Talk about a letdown.

After a communications blackout while orbiting the earth, NASA astronaut Spencer Armacost (Johnny Depp) returns home to his wife, Jillian (Charlize Theron), and vows never to fly again. When his co-pilot Streck (Nick Cassavetes) suddenly dies and Spencer begins exhibiting strange behavior, Jillian wonders if he's still human, and what sort of baby is growing inside her.

If you’ve seen Rosemary’s Baby there’s no reason to see this film. If you haven’t you may not be able to foresee the story’s beats… but I doubt it. Everything it does you’ve seen better elsewhere. We’re supposed to wonder whether Jillian is imagining the strange noises she hears coming from the radio, if Spencer’s radical personality shift is nothing to be alarmed about and if Dr. Sherman Reese (Joe Morton)/his theories are pure hogwash. You never do. There is simply too much evidence siding towards the theory of Spencer having been replaced or somehow possessed by some kind of extraterrestrial being. You would only believe him human if a) we received concrete proof that Marzoids don’t exist b) someone proved they do exist but have better things to do than spawn human-alien babies or c) Jillian was just a straight jacket away from the loony bin or otherwise untrustworthy. You might’ve been able to get away with it if the character of Sherman Reese wasn’t there. As a matter of fact, why is he in this movie?

The Astronaut’s Wife would’ve been better if it were worse. You’ve got Johnny Depp. You’ve got Charlize Theron. It’s about a woman who thinks she’s been impregnated by a little green man but there’s no nudity and no tantalizing sex scenes. Talk about lame. I was bored waiting for the film to catch up to what I already knew. I know you’d be bored too. The only thing that could have saved this movie was a brilliant conclusion.

The ending is a double whammy of lame horror-wannabe twists which will have you rolling your eyes. No satisfying answers are given, and nothing cool is shown. It really is a generic “is my baby the devil?” movie where someone did a find-replace to switch “Satan” with “Spaceman”.

I guarantee after it’s done, no one who saw The Astronaut’s Wife will give it a second thought, even if they do manage to stay awake during the whole thing. When you leave the audience fondly looking back at Species 3, you’ve got problems. (On VHS, March 15, 2019)

[the-firebird69]

Donald Trump 'Unified Reich' Video Leaves People Stunned

Now this man is a disgusting pig

https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-unified-reich-video-social-media-1902831

There's no reason why he can't leave us alone he is going to lose everything shortly he's a complete utter ass now he's going to get crushed then in New Zealand he just sits there doing it because he's a pig and his whole life he wanted to say stuff and if you win something he won't be able to say it to anyone and that's what he thinks and he's a loser they ain't going to get nowhere thankfully

There's a lot going on so we're going to announce a couple things while our son takes a break and yeah get some water it's a huge day massive massive numbers of trumpsters are dead huge armies and they're still following your son around making stupid noises I can't figure it out I think they're going somewhere it really doesn't look like it it looks like they're getting killed it is not a good day for them we have some more announcements but that's major a son and daughter everybody on Earth is waiting for this day and he and his will be gone all for a little thrill I love him I like that it's good it helps us but boy what an a****** a huge a****** everybody hates him in his family you know sabotaging is entire network of idiot houses well I'm going to say we'll be destroyed and stuff if he doesn't come take a look the what of absolute fool is a massive massive fool it's hilarious so many people are subjugated by this jackass the short period of time he's got a lot to pay for and it's not going well for him and he is in trouble

-on top of that is walking around town today being a big huge jackass telling people off saying they're done letting them have it all sorts of weird things and he is going to have to pay and we want him out and we want them out now

-furthermore the sitting there getting high on that statement and requested like a 10 times a day everybody is saying why then you go around and they investigated it and they find out and now he's up schitt's creek

-the ships are battling of Titan Tommy f with 80 b Tommy a with 50 b and Trump with 30b and he's taking a pummeling every once in a while bja nails trump. And off of the townships Tower ships there are 100b for Tommy f, 300b for pseudo empire, 200b for bja and 100b for Trump once again they're all taking pot shots at them when they get a break it's a lot of firepower right on him and they're doing it on purpose and he'll be out pretty soon up there and the other half of the batch will be released probably tonight and the battle will be Swift Tommy f is not doing well either he's incurring a lot of damage and he is oddly a week and people are going after him. This is the kind of behavior that toddlers exhibit I mean these people act like three or four year old children all the time and it's worth studying because our son and daughter said they are not restricted in what they say and do in any way and our son says and daughter we get back at you and you die in a really bad way it's horrific ways all sorts of accidents every day they can't figure anything out and your expense report is through the roof now we here they are battling to get to New Zealand and the huge cavern and the trumpsters are falling rapidly they were at 3.7% this morning and now they're at 3.6% 3.61% sorry and new report says it's below 3.6%, and it's dropping fast that's very fast that's like 1% every 10 hours and at that rate all their army will be gone down there and just a couple days we think it's slow though compared to what it will be momentarily because they are not a professional army. Horses are headed there from all over the place but mostly it's bja and company in large large numbers and they're flowing over the place it's a big mistake.

-on top of it there are about 50,000 people who are standing around asking for it and they can't figure it out.

-is an enormous number of idiots here these people have stupid looks on their faces say dumb things and they can't gauge what's happened but what's happening to them and we see it all the time and it was already happening right now the pseudo empire is moving in for a crushing blow and they actually aware of foreigners and Max fighting and they want to run it that way good we're aware of a couple of the things that are happening the Sun and daughter realize this turmoil is hard to get stuff but that's a worry

-there's a huge number of people trying to get us some things and it's growing and it's a major concern, however there are some catches to it like the Mac code

DURING JC STAY AND MARY AT THE CASTLES THE MAX WERE OBLITERATING THEIR CHILDREN AND THEY WERE USING ALL SORTS OF PARTIES INCLUDING MORLOCK AND THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE SAYING THEY WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW THEY DON'T EVEN THINK THEY EXIST THEY'RE SO SMART

-there's another things that concern yourself about is their attitude is like a fish they think they're going to swim around and snatch things bother anybody and they don't have any hold they don't hold anything back and they're not afraid of repercussions and it's a learning experience a lot of people thought suicidal behavior because it is they going to a city and half of them come out and a half of them are escorted to the furnace for real here in Florida they're taking out to Central Florida to the incinerator and they're burned and it's for use for power so they can bless her air conditioner later today

-there's other things going on but the Mac code is such that it is not a good thing and people are figuring it out as they're checking out the money that's coming to him was used to build huge systems of bunkers and large cities many of which are still standing a lot of the bunkers are ruined about 90% but it is to be a repeat they say this time he'll be using it instead of to get a small amount of money he would get a meager amount he's aware it's not much money believe it or not he's aware of it and what he has for power mate you might not need any money is that true because we're maintaining society and so forth but some of you will see and then you'll forget it just won't be here very very huge

-there's other stuff happening there are a few indicators that Hera is getting ready to move yes and we are prepping her and she will move this time and we do have evidence that practically nobody thinks they're a huge monsters or Giants at all and this cover everywhere

-there's other things too that people should be concerned about one of them is theft you always threatening her son and people are stealing your stuff when you threaten him damaging your stuff people are damaging your things when you threaten to damage him his stuff and when you threatening to injure him they are injuring you and taking your stuff

-there's other things happening today the news the large numbers of people who are seeing getting hurt and some of them are here in the gym trying to recover after the injury and pushing it and it used to doing it and they're losing power today rapidly it's an ugly scene okay a lot of them are illiterate most of them can't speak English very well and they're mean and nasty because of it

-these pseudo empire is still being attacked the numbers on that are not extremely high but they are going to realize that they're being attacked one New Zealand by pseudonym empire too and they will start to attack them on the mainland then will fail to come up with an adequate defense and it is pitiful that they act that way. We anticipate large-scale attacks we interested them being repelled right now there are tons of them that have been pushed out to the upper Midwest and the pseudo empire is encouraged to gather forces and go after them they do see it is a problem no but that's what's happening pretty soon this force of warlock will be out and a more tolerable group will be here filling in where they were they're doing much different job and he's seen it it has a lot of class but with them along it was impossible for them to operate and really the powerhouses had to really kick in for it to work at all and that's what happened huge army just got involved because of their snot no stuff

-there's a lot going on today but we're going to publish and will be back in a moment

Thor Freya

There's other points about his money and the castle and more we feel the castle won't be that soon this is fine he has time to make more kids their insurance code against them but not many people think he has any and we have a number of things that are also their code that people think are ridiculous to let him have and what these people are slow okay you can't make money in this world without having a ton of it and you would also be paying attention to see if he has connections to people with factories that are huge and stuff like that and he's blithering and saying you have stuff in his Trump he gets nailed for it doesn't have anything and he has her son saying it now but they have no proof but that's not the point the point is when it gets money from the investments most of them were very successful whatever the status of the business and the businesses will start up again one reason is he knows about the businesses and you might reinvest and he might invest in a firm that we're taking over or took over and that would make a huge game right now you don't have game at all and it's gross and they did very well the first time actually to be honest they did well and a son and daughter are correct

Olympus we will cut them off the past this time and we do see the reasoning it's not really that much bigger is not right but it's an unbelievable size and nobody believes it's up there at all

-

[lets-talk-spirituality]

What is the behavior that I and others exhibit and aligning ourselves with soul cooptation? I think I misunderstood, I'm not bragging about sleeping well or not having a soul coopted, I'm just trying to show an extreme to get a response or reaction to that, but what do you mean by certain behavior i and others exhibit aligning with soul co-opting ? I think I understood but I'm curious. And no, I assume my soul is co-opted, isn't it? I just wanted to be clear about what you just answered and thanks once again for that and I don't think that sleeping in peace means that my soul is not coopted, it just makes me very curious and I want to understand how it is that one can become so deceived, and I have other questions, I think it helps me to get hard answers, but I also don't want to confuse what I am with what is collective as if it were definitely that. I don't know how all this that I write is processed, but I think the topic is not one that gets an answer that like to read, but I accept it, for very hard what is.

What is the behavior that I and others exhibit and aligning ourselves with soul cooptation?

Trying to assert control. Humans so deeply want to control things because it’s scary being here. Earth is not an easy learning ground by any means but control only leads to false delusions and a lot of unnecessary stress.

I'm just trying to show an extreme to get a response or reaction to that,

I understand that! Thanks for explaining. I had an idea you were trying to use extreme examples to understand better and I try my best to explain. It’s hard because it sometimes feels like what I’m saying almost can contradict itself and I know that and I think it’s because like I’ve said before on here, a lot of things exist at once. Existence isn’t just black and white, it’s both and also gray.

I want to understand how it is that one can become so deceived,

In our pain and confusion, a lot of become desperate to the point that we become vulnerable. My personal example is I was so desperate for love I stayed with a man who repeatedly disrespected me and even physically abused me. And I told myself he loved me. I had to delude myself to stay in that relationship. I had to tell myself over and over things would change if we could just make more money or go on vacation, if I could just be skinnier. That is the lying black magic energy I’ve been trying to explain on here. Sometimes things come into your field and say hey! You can have this thing you want but it requires you to do love spells to make someone love you or etc. For me, I never went that far, but I did still try to control him and the situation. I hope this sort of helps explain?

And I also understand. I thought you may have been responding to a post I had done earlier that week where I said people were acting very co-opted and I thought maybe you took that personally that’s all! I know it takes me awhile to respond to these longer ones you send in and it’s because I have to really be in the space to think and answer thoughtfully. You ask hard questions, which is a great thing, it just take a lot of focus from me. Thanks for your patience and understanding. I do appreciate the time you take trying to understand and question things because it also helps things become revealed to me. It shows me places things don’t line up fully.

[traumatictouch]

why tomura reads like a sexual abuse survivor

ive noticed that a lot of survivors - including me - easily read tomura as a csa survivor. ive decided to try to put these impressions into words, mostly for myself, but also for anyone curious as to why he’s so frequently read this way, or why i personally write him as such. i will mostly be elaborating on the reoccurring sexual assault imagery and csa survivor traits tomura exhibits.

triggering themes ahead, including discussed child sexual abuse, incest (sibling and pseudo), trauma and its effects, and sexual assault imagery (from the bnha manga itself). also spoilers for the most recent manga arc.

(disclaimer: i realize symptoms of trauma are pretty much common all across the board, and depression also comes with a lot of these behaviors - but there are some that crop up more commonly in cases of sexual abuse (especially from a young age) than in others. csa survivors also frequently end up with depression, too, so that doesn't necessarily take away from it.)

i’ll start with the cover above. the hands touching him here are much more expressive than the ones he usually wears. it's also framed in a way where you can't see the ends/cap things very well, and they don't appear so symmetrical, making them feel much more like real, living hands grabbing him.

there's also the fact that his face is exposed, which is something we had rarely seen him do willingly at this point in the manga, and even when he had he was still covered up with a hoodie or completely alone. the way he's covering half his face gives off the impression that he's not okay with the way he's exposed.

all of that, plus the obvious distress tomura is in, gives this very glaring assault vibes.

also, the hands on his head are clearly someone's actual, living hands as well. my guess is afo, especially since they seem to be petting him, which is reoccurring imagery between tomura and afo.

tomura's total lack of privacy

there's a clear lack of boundaries between tomura and the adults in his life. most of the spaces that seem to belong to tomura (the bar - he feels safe enough there to take Father off, and his room) are accompanied by cameras and audio transmissions from afo. he has no privacy, and doesn't even seem bothered by this fact.

he also doesn't seem to set boundaries with other people in general. toga can hold a knife to his neck, spinner can grab him and yell in his face, the doctor can shout over his earpiece, dabi (or anyone, really) can say whatever rude or callous things he wants to him… really the only time i can think of that even comes close was when mr. compress made a joke about working with overhaul and tomura said "hey, not funny."

he seems to kinda just let whatever happen to him. earlier in the series, tomura seemed to rely on kurogiri to notice when he needed space and step in for him rather than ask for it himself. that's a pretty telltale sign of someone who's had their needs and boundaries violated (or even punished) for a long time.

Tomuras over-attachment to afo and his praise/affection

obviously afo groomed tomura whether it involved sexual abuse or not, but it is something that could have easily lended itself to that as well. early in the series, tomura clearly highly valued afos opinion of him, and seemed to strive to please and repay him for his kindness. these are feelings afo incited in him on purpose and did, canonically, take advantage of to turn tomura into a villain and pawn - who's to say he didn't use it for other purposes, too?

it's also the kind of thing survivors tend to latch onto to cope with their abuse. it can be easier to think of the event as being affection, returning a favor, and/or special treatment, than to think of it as abuse. tomura looked up to afo so much that it's possible he could have considered (or been convinced) that it was special that someone as great as afo wanted to do something so intimate with him.

also, if this is really tomura realizing his sensei isn't as special and powerful as he'd been led to believe, then his reaction being to cover up while looking angry might, well… be a reaction to feeling used.

Tomura & older men

there's not a lot of people besides afo that tomura seems very quickly, openly… invested in. there are two major ones i can think of, and they are both 1. older men, and 2. mentor figures (even if not to tomura.)

the most obvious of the two is aizawa, who tomura has seemed pretty fond of since his first appearance and, even in the most recent chapters, can't seem to help but think about how cool aizawa is. aizawa isn't a mentor to tomura, obviously, but he is a teacher and tomura knows this. (and seems impressed by the way he tries to protect the students in his care--something afo very specifically does not do for tomura.)

the second, and perhaps less obvious to most, is Stain. i wrote up a whole post trying (trying.) to explain the way tomura seemed interested in him, and you can see a bit more about that and how tomura was hoping he'd be a mentor to him here.

in other words, tomura has shown reoccurring interest in older men, who are mentors, that he does not show for anyone else.

early sexual abuse can influence a person's attractions. survivors tend to be drawn to what is familiar, even if it hurt, and so it's pretty common for them to be attracted to and/or desire a relationship with those who resemble their abuser(s).

and afo is an older man who is a mentor to tomura (and others.)

immaturity (& age regression)

tomura, in early canon, is often described by characters in-universe as being childish, especially in regards to how he processes his emotions. (i don't really like to conflate these things with "age" or "being childish" - but the way the manga itself presents these qualities is clearly intended to give tomura a immature/childish vibe.)

tomura's emotional processing, simple motivations, fixation with video games, toys littering his room, and need for close caregiving (kurogiri) all give off the impression that he's had trouble developing the way he "”should”" have--kind of like he didn't really move on at all.

this sort of stunted development tends to occur in people with childhood trauma, especially csa survivors. ptsd at its core is the brain getting "stuck" in the moment of trauma, so if the trauma occurred as a child, then one's development is somewhat halted there, especially in areas of emotional processing, because the brain and body have to dedicate so much energy to just trying to cope and survive. it's pretty common for csa survivors to have trouble coping with and controlling their emotions.

relatedly: i have no real way to confirm this right now, but i’ve heard that during the mla arc, while tomura was kind of going in and out of flashbacks, he started switching to using “boku” - a self pronoun for young boys - as opposed to his usual “ore”). ive since had to wonder if this is a reoccurring state for tomura - it might partly explain why he keeps his toys around despite never showing interest in them on-screen, and has such close supervision from kurogiri.

again, age regression can go for any kind of childhood trauma, but seems very common in child sexual abuse survivors in particular.

Lack of hygiene (esp oral)

look at how tomura's teeth are drawn compared to even another villains. dabis teeth are straight and clean, whereas tomura's have holes and chips, and tend to be drawn uneven with wobbly lines, like they're covered in plaque.

not caring for one's hygiene is common for people with depression too - but failure to care for teeth also frequently crops up in survivors of sexual abuse, due to an aversion to things touching or being inside their mouth, because it can remind them of the abuse.

in a similar vein, tomura's hair looks unwashed and greasy to me, especially when it gets long. it sort of gathers in clumps and appears heavy. survivors may avoid taking showers because they aren't comfortable removing their clothes for long periods of time, or because the abuse occurred in proximity to bathing. (which is a convenient time for parental figures to groom and abuse their children, since it already involves them being naked and the parent touching them closely.)

in general, there just seems to be something off about tomura's relationship with his body. maybe it's the way he barely bats an eye at major injuries, doesn't care for his hygiene, self-injures, and didn't mind undergoing a surgery that altered its shape and function pretty heavily--but i get the impression that tomura sees his body as just a tool more than anything.

which, if someone grew up having their body regarded as nothing but a means of pleasure, kind of makes sense.

his clothing

im not sure if this has the same “connotations” (for lack of a better word) for flat chested people, but tomura always wearing a lowcut shirt that shows off a fair amount of his chest, but covering the rest of himself head to toe--including his face--feels significant to me. as well as the way he covers up even more (his hoodie) when he’s stressed. the hands, too--being covered up seems to be calming for him.

the placement of the hands afo gave him

you can't tell me little tenko placed these hands where they are by himself. the ones on his chest aren’t even from his family or meant to resemble them - they’re additional hands afo gave him to wear. pretty weird place for “afo”’s hands to go...

I feel like theres a little bit something to tomura frequently having his clothes ripped off during fights

not that it's particularly uncommon for bnha characters to get their clothes a bit shredded during fights, but i can't help but feel like there's something to tomura getting torn down to nothing but his pants twice, with both battles heavily involving tomura's traumas, including the ones related to afo. the vs mla arc with how tomura met afo and how he turned him into what he is today, then the war arc where the methods afo used to control and abuse tomura (the hands) are brought back again--and afo repeatedly takes tomura's bodily autonomy away from him.

AFO's predatory behaviors

tomuras own behavior aside, All For One himself has some behaviors and imagery that gives off very predatory vibes. i’ll start with Ragdoll…

most people theorize that she was going to be turned into a nomu, but there are two important things here. ragdoll was found 1. alive, and 2. naked. all nomu are made from corpses - if afo had time to take her quirk and undress her, he certainly had time to kill her, especially since three days had passed since she was kidnapped. (and, what benefit would there be to making a nomu out of a quirkless hero?)

her dazed state is also curious - we've never been told taking or giving quirks has a side effect like this, and i would think itd at least wear off after three days…

there's also not actually a lot to suggest she was submerged in one of the tanks (that i know of); in the full body image, she doesn't seem to be soaking wet or anything. there's no water dripping off her. there's just a bit of liquid on her face and neck, which could merely be sweat, or… other fluids.

this next part is more debatable due to it being more dubiously canon (although My Hero: One’s Justice has been known to basically spoil villain related lore before it appears in the manga) - but he has some dialogue that makes him sound... pretty fuckin enthusiastic about sexual violence.

and time and time again, afo has been... very creepy and obsessive about his brother. who happens to look an awful lot like tomura, and is vaguely connected to nana as a user of OFA, and we know how far afo would go to spite both of them.

The "wow this is pretty much confirmed now" page

i always thought i was just projecting when i read tomura as a csa survivor - until i saw this page, which was so viscerally uncomfortable that it made me nauseous. it definitely made me decide i wasn't just reading into things that weren't there. that's not exactly to say this panel 100% confirmed it (though it certainly did in my mind, personally) -- but the imagery here can't not be deliberate.

tomura is literally shirtless and bent over before afo, and sure, afos not completely standing behind him, but that's partially because his lower half is inside of tomura. and from our previous example of afo taking over tomura's body…

i wish i could find the translation i first saw - this is the viz translation, which is notoriously horrible - but the one i read felt much more along the lines of "i saved you, so i get to do what i want with your body."

that is a line of logic that could have EASILY applied to their earlier relationship. the way afo saved tenko was very much on the forefront of tomura's mind early in the series, possibly either an idea he clung onto to justify the abuse he experienced from afo, or something afo personally reminded him of frequently.

also… part of afos body is definitely wrapped around tomura's upper thigh, and in certain panels seems to be emanating from between his legs.

speaking of, tomura's stance is also notable to me. compared to the panel where tomura first realized afo was taking control of him, where his knees are pretty straight on or outwards in a powerful balanced brace, in these panels his knees seem to be bending in towards his body, like he wants to squeeze his legs shut. huh.

i touched on this before, but it's interesting to me that what finally let afo fully take control of tomura's body, was having a hand (one afo very specifically used to control and abuse tomura into doing what he wanted) placed upon his body without permission.

so, all in all, afo is "inside" tomura's body, using it for his own means, against tomura's wishes.

what else does that sound like? no wonder deku feels like tomura needs help, despite everything...

again, this isn't to say that csa is definitely the cause of these things, just that tomura does have an abundance of behaviors and imagery that could easily be read that way.