#I stopped doing a lot of things I loved to do because of dysphoria - my depression stems from the fact Im not who Im supposed to be

[anxious-anomaly]

[ 18+ blog || minors DNI ]

"I hate what you're doing to your body."

That's because you're comfortable as who you are. I'm not. That's why I'm changing. You can hate it all you like but it's necessary for me.

unless you wanna write my obituary, of course.

being dead sounds just as relieving as transitioning.

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids,

I have been openly living as a trans man for some years now. And I'm at a point where it doesn't take up so much mental space anymore.

Don't get me wrong: I certainly do not mean "it doesn't matter anymore" here. I am not a "just call me whatever pronouns, I do not care" person and I don't think I ever will be. Nothing wrong with feeling that way, it's just not how I feel. Being adressed with my name and my pronouns is still important for my mental well-being, and it still triggers feelings of dysphoria when people misgender me.

Even apart from misgendering: My identity is still important, and it always will be! Being trans is not some small thing that loses its importance over time. It's who I am. Being a man - and having grown up in a society that told me I wasn't - influences the way I experience everything in my life (from my self-image to my relationships with others to... well, everything).

What I do mean here is: Before coming out to others, and also before coming out to myself and accepting myself as a man, there were naturally a lot of questions running circles in my brain. Why do I feel so sad when adults tells me I'll grow into a woman? Why does it cause me so much stress when mom tells me to put on a dress? Why does it make me so euphoric to use masculine scents? When I try to picture myself kissing a boy, why do I see two boys? Ah, I just learned trans people exist, why does this fascinate me so much that I can't stop thinking about it? Am I creepy for being so fascinated by them? I'm older now, why is that sad feeling not going away? Why is it only getting worse now that I have "grown into a woman"? Why do I keep getting this horrified feeling that I took a wrong route somewhere and was never meant to arrive at "woman"? Wait... could this mean I am trans? Is it too late to realize I am trans at my age? Can I really be trans when the whole thought of even just considering surgery feels overwhelming and scary? Will I ever be ready to actually come out as trans? I really want to get married some day, could I even find love as a trans person? Can I ever be happy in a relationship if I hide who I am? Can I go on living in the closet? Okay, I am trans and want to come out, is it safe to do that? Will my family still love me? Will I ever be brave enough to come out to people outside of my immediate circle? Will people take me seriously? Will people hate me? Will I regret coming out? What if I fuck up my life?

Well, I came out and the world didn't end. All these questions, I either found answers to them or they just dissolved over time - and that frees up a lot of energy and mental space. The space that was occupied by these questions and concerns is now available to me again.

I do not wonder if I am a man anymore. I just am one. It has become something that is just self-evident to me. It goes without saying - or without conciously spending time thinking about it. Of course I am a man, of course I am Oliver. Who else would I be?

We all have a limited amount of things we can focus on, and many trans people share this experience that over time they do not need to focus so much on it anymnore. But this is not unique to the process of figuring out you are trans - in the sense that a cis gay, bi, ace etc. person could also relate to this, but also in entirely non-lgbt-specific ways. Think about a person prepping for an important exam for example. A lot of their energy and mental space will be tied up in exam related questions... which obviously will not be a permanent state. After the exam, they will naturally no longer by preoccupied by wondering how the exam will go!

I'm telling you all this because one of you asked me if I struggled with coming to terms with being a trans man - and this is my very long way of saying: Yes, I did (and it's pretty normal to do! It's a really big realization about yourself!) but struggling isn't a permanent state.

You'll find answers to some questions, some questions will just fade away. You'll figure things out.

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[copperbadge]

More on mindfulness and meditation

I feel like perhaps I came across as anti-meditation in that last post I did on it, and there were some folks who were a bit vocal about not liking meditation in the notes, but the notes also had some great and interesting discussion of what can count as mindfulness that isn't traditional meditation and what some alternatives might be, so I wanted to do a follow-up. Especially since I don't think I'm going to get to respond to everyone individually.

The post was not meant to be anti-meditation, but to express frustration with the way meditation frequently is, or rather fails to be, taught. I can understand why people would struggle with "mindfulness" (vastly overused term) and meditation, so I'm not here to argue with or shame anyone, and I really appreciate the alternative suggestions. But because mindfulness can mean so many things, and people can meditate for many different reasons, I wanted to talk a little about why I'm being asked to do it.

It's easy to lose track of why one might try meditation for mental health, because the cause and effect are so temporally dislocated from each other. I try to keep in mind that my specific goal is emotional regulation deriving from increased present-moment attention. Some of the stuff that was suggested is great for a goal other than this, like puzzle games that allow people to empty their racing minds or activity that brings someone back into their body when dissociating -- both extremely laudable functions! -- but that's not why I'm here. Meditation is meant, for me, to be a maintenance medication, not a rescue inhaler.

There is science that suggest that mindfulness practice, under a specific definition of the term, can help to manage emotional dysregulation, ameliorate Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and reduce depression and anxiety. I discuss the science in a slideshow here but essentially this specific form trains the attention into the present moment, which improves executive function -- and as we know, emotional regulation is a facet of executive function, so this leads to better emotional regulation.

There is not a lot of science on it yet so there is room here for yoursamplesizeissmall.jpg, but it's all we've got so I'm running with it. There is one foundational practice and three practices that build on it which effected this change in subjects of the study:

Breathing Meditation doesn't really confer any benefit the others don't, but the others all employ it as a basic practice. We know this can calm the parasympathetic nervous system, although to be honest I have not found that to be the case personally. As soon as I stop the deep breathing I'm right back where I was, likely because my issue is ruminational, not situational. But everything else wants you to breathe first, so I still have to do it.

Body Scan focuses attention on the body and as others have pointed out is good for people prone to dissociation. As I said in the other post, I live here; paying extra attention to my body isn't something I need. I was asked to try it anyway as part of a practice in keeping an open mind about stuff I think is dumb, and clearly I do need practice in that. Still, it's likely I'll be able to let this one go pretty soon.

Loving-Kindness asks you to think positively about others, expanding compassion from a single point outward to the world. I've encountered this before in reading Pema Chodron; I don't do it as meditation, but I do try to practice it in life because I am not naturally a patient or compassionate person, and that has been helpful in the sense that it keeps me from getting punched in the face a bunch. For me there's no real "train the attention to be in the present" aspect on account of that, however.

Observing-Thought is where you just sit with your thoughts, let them arise, sometimes label them in some way, and let them go. I was most interested in this purely because it's the only one I hadn't already encountered. I haven't found it useful so far, but I don't have enough data about it to be definitive, and if it is training executive function I would expect that to take time.

Now, I know that all four of these have science backing them, so I know that we're not just dealing in new-age woo here. The problem is functional, not theoretical. The issue overall is not "meditation is boring" -> "find a way to make it interesting", although I do appreciate that it may be an issue for others and I like that people were offering solutions. The issue for me is that the boredom derives from the fact that the meditation isn't being taught. There's no progressional learning -- there's no step-progress-reward-step-progress-reward like with most difficult skills.

Any task is boring if you aren't deriving any reward from it or you are being expected to execute it without skills or training, and in this case I'm facing down both. Long silences from a meditation leader are fine if you're there to engage with a practice you already have familiarity with, but if you're trying to learn, they are the opposite of helpful, and they are actively punishing to someone with ADHD.

I don't want to be entertained (I mean, generally I do, but in this case I don't expect it). What I want is a pedagogical approach that steps up to the practice rather than beginning with it, so that I know I'm doing it right, I experience rewards along the way similar to how I currently do learning Italian, and I have more confidence that what seems dull and fruitless actually will produce results.

Uh, so yeah thanks for coming to my TEDtalk; the fact that a practice that's especially hard for people with ADHD helps with almost every problem ADHD presents really sucks, and I wish we approached teaching meditation as if it were something you actually did have to learn rather than something you're supposed to Do Until You Get It. In the meantime I guess bumping the speed on the recording isn't the worst thing I could be doing.

[olderthannetfic]

A fandom friend is convinced there's something wrong with me and I must have self-worth issues because normal people with healthy self-esteem and self-image wrote OCs as a kid that were self-inserts. I didn't, I wrote characters who were basically whatever I thought was cool at the time (which changed a lot over the years) and into something weird to add flavor to them. So instead of my Arab, ADHD AFAB self writing Arab ADHD AFAB OCs who shared my interests, I'd have a white autistic guy whose special interest was geology and who also loved basketball (I hate sports), or a black agender kid who had some symptoms of schizoaffective disorder, was really into art and art history and loved sweets. One character would be cool like my dad, always witty and ready to say a cool one liner, and another would be cool like my mom, calm, controlled and never responding to haters. None of them share much in common with me. And my friend is convinced this is a mental health red flag, because normal people and even abnormal people always write OCs who are like themselves, idealized versions of themselves, or otherwise are some degree of self-insert.

The more I think about it, the weirder I feel for not doing this. It feels like I didn't do fandom correctly, but also, maybe she's right? Maybe there is something wrong with not putting myself into my narratives. Why wouldn't I put myself in my fics if I liked myself? It's really unsettling to think about but I think I've realized she might have a point.

Then I thought of you. You've been in fandom way longer than either of us (we're both teenagers, for context) and you know a lot about fandom and psychology. So I figured if anyone could tell me what this says about me, it'd be you. What does it mean if you never wrote any OCs with self-insertion components and just kind of wrote random things instead? Does it mean anything bad?

--

Your friend is a moron.

'Fantasies about self' vs. 'no fantasies about self' is a major division among people. It's not just a page on the asexuality wiki about sex fantasies but an entire axis of interest. Hang around slash/BL fandom in particular and you will find a metric fuckton of people who never self-inserted.

Self inserts make my skin crawl.

It is a feeling of visceral disgust that was always there. How can anyone like that? Don't ask me to. Don't tell me about it. Ew, ew, ew, ew. It's like a mild form of dysphoria it's that bad sometimes.

Tell your friend to stop using Wattpad as the litmus test for normalcy.

Some of us were always more AO3.

[no-sleep-for-insomniacs]

Marble Hornets spoilers below

cw: talk of childhood Schizophrenia, guns, not mean but kinda serious rant

You know what I see all the time in the Creepypasta and even the Marble Hornets fandom that makes me so sad? The mischaracterization of Tim/Masky. Everyone always writes him as this cold, uncaring, crass edgelord, who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. It honestly makes me question if the author has even watched the source material. Because it you’ve watched Marble Hornets it’s fairly obvious that he’s an incredibly sensitive and caring person. Sure he can be “harsh” sometimes (in quotations because it was completely warranted) but that’s because he’s **emotional** and has **feelings**. When Jay was sick and unaware of himself or his surroundings, Tim took care of him and even sacrificed some of his meds (which he doesn’t have a lot of because they keep getting stollen) to try and help Jay. And during that time in the background of a couple clips you can hear him talking to Jay in a patient and loving voice, trying to comfort him. Then near the end when Alex was about to shoot him, instead of running away or attacking Alex, he took the time to try and warn Alex that he wasn’t defeating The Operator, but just doing it’s bidding. He tried to tell Alex that he went through the same thing and he can help him fight it. Again, even though his voice was raised, he was speaking in an incredibly compassionate and understanding voice, because he was feeling **empathy** for him. Even when he was first roped into the whole mess, he wouldn’t have helped Jay if he didn’t care about Brian.

All that said, I don’t have a problem with Tim being written in this way. It’s just when people treat this as cannon is what makes me uncomfortable. As someone who developed Schizophrenia at a very young age (probably around the same age as Tim) I have always struggled with paranoia of people assuming the worst about me or thinking I’m a bad person. This was probably because of something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. I think this is why it pains me so much when people think of Tim as this mean, rude, harsh person. I’m probably just projecting my experiences onto him.

This isn’t me trying to ask people to stop writing Tim in this way. That would make me a hypocrite, because I enjoy reading ooc works. But I am just asking people to acknowledge that this isn’t cannon and (based on my experience) would probably make the actual character uncomfortable.

peace and love 💕

[writingquestionsanswered]

How do you stop being insecure about writing and how do you become less sensitive to criticism?

Confidence in Writing, Less Sensitivity to Criticism

While few writers are ever completely secure in their writing ability (confidence can increase or decrease with mood, project difficulty, and other factors), your confidence in your writing will grow naturally as you write more and more. In other words, it's not something that just happens. You have to spend a lot of time writing a lot of things, and your confidence will build as you go.

You can help the process along by:

-- reading a lot -- writing a lot -- honing your craft via learning about writing -- seeking feedback from writing partners/beta readers/editors, etc. -- learning your weaknesses and improving them -- learning your strengths and embracing them

Becoming less sensitive to criticism is a little bit trickier, especially because there can be complicated things that play into it, like past experiences, present mood and mindset, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, etc.

However, if you're someone who is sensitive to criticism, I cannot stress enough how important it is to simply avoid reading reviews and comments left by readers. If you want feedback you can learn from, seek that out through a qualified writing friend, critique partner, beta reader, editor, etc. and let them know in advance that you're sensitive to criticism so they work with you to give you the feedback you need in the least upsetting way possible. And even with feedback from a qualified person, remember that writing feedback is rarely truly objective. People always bring their personal preferences and own ideas into the feedback they give, so just because a qualified person criticizes something you wrote doesn't mean they're absolutely right or that you're a bad writer. Feedback is there for you to weigh and use only if you agree it will benefit your story.

Something else that helps to remember is that even the best, most critically acclaimed writers in the world have people who hate their writing. Tolstoy, Dickens, Poe, Hemingway, Steinbeck, Austen, Woolf, Christie, Angelou, Atwood, Gaimen, King, Morrison, Allende... every single one of them has thousands of 1-star reviews, critical reviews, and people who just can't stand their writing. Yet, they're all popular writers known the world over, with millions of books sold, and universally loved. All of these names appear on lists of the greatest writers of all time.

And, something else... the degree to which criticism bothers you will decrease as your confidence increases. Not just because confidence naturally thickens your skin, but also because you learn to tell the difference between haters and people with genuinely good points.

I hope that helps!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[lokavisi]

So about two nights ago, I had a really solid conversation with Loki. A friend got some cues from him through their pendulum, we were both very confused, and then my wife (who barely gives a shit about the Guy lol) interprets this message so pristinely. It was like getting slapped upside the head when she gave her explanation. So I started free writing to continue the conversation more directly with Loki. There were a few big points made in this conversation.

First, he expressed frustration that, in spite of working with him for 4 years now, I still don't seem to "get" him. Like I keep coming to him to vent about some bullshit that's winding me up, he offers a suggestion to help me unwind, and then I brush it off or forget or just straight up ignore it. So he was like, "I've been telling you the same shit for 4 years now... It feels like you're just fundamentally ignoring all the parts of me that make me, ME." So...naturally I felt really fucking stupid and shitty.

Then he very lovingly affirmed that "this isn't me being facetious or angry or trying to put you down. I'm frustrated and irritated, yes, but surely you do realize by now that I fucking love you and you're stuck with me." This meant a lot to me more so than it might for others because my ADHD comes with mad rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Any time anyone says something that indicates some level of upset at me, my brain catastrophizes and breaks down because "clearly" it means they hate me. (This is basically never the case.) This leads me to the primary nugget of wisdom that came from this conversation.

I realized this whole time (once my wife interpreted the initial message) I was hearing him more clearly than I had in a long time. It was nearly as if a physical person sat next to me speaking. As the conversation was wrapping up, I made a note of this and asked, "Why do I feel l hear you clearest when you're frustrated with me?" We've had plenty of similar conversations, and when I look back at past moments when I simply couldn't deny the messages were coming from outside myself, he usually had some level of frustration with me. But to answer my question, he said:

"Because that's all you wanna hear. That's all you think you deserve. Even when you seek love or comfort and I provide, you don't always fully receive it. I try to be funny to cheer you up and you won't have it, just calling me stupid. You are terrible at receiving input that doesn't put you down or reinforce any negative thoughts you believe about yourself. So stop it. Seriously. Fucking stop believing bad shit about yourself."

He went on to talk about the rune readings I did for a bunch you on here (thanks again for the practice❤️), and how I should be pumping myself up from all the positive feedback I got from it. And we exchanged some jokes and "I love you"'s before calling it a night.

As per usual, I share my story in a giant block of text to remind everyone of what Loki reminded me: to not just take in the messaging that supports a negative view of yourself. Allow yourself to believe that you are the gods' gift to humanity. (I just heard him say, "Seriously. I do it all the time. It works wonders for your self-esteem." 😂❤️) Maybe that verbage doesn't have the greatest connotations, but the point is to think more highly of yourself. Believe in the power and confidence that you possess. Even if it doesn't feel like you have either of these things, fake it til you make it - until you realize they've been here this whole time.

I'm on this struggle bus, too, y'all. We're gonna find ourselves together. Hail Loki ❤️

[genderkoolaid]

advice on how to get over the fear that t is going to make me ugly? or that i’m going to miss “the old me”

i’m a queer trans guy and i’ve been questioning going on t for years now and i know i definitely want bottom growth, body fat redistribution and more body hair.

but im err on the side of face and voice changes. i’m scared of disliking my new voice and suddenly growing dysphoric over it (i dont have too much voice dysphoria now) and disliking how my new face will look. i’m kinda genderfluid as well so it’s complicated. but i don’t want to go my whole life without knowing what it’s like to be on hrt. but i can’t get over the fear of looking/finding myself ugly and undesirable and losing my community... which is ironic cuz i find other trans men attractive as hell. i discussed this in therapy and i still feel this way :/

i wish there was a way for me to start without telling anyone and then breaking the news when i’m experiencing changes and feeling more confident about it. i have my gender dysphoria diagnosis and i can start if i want to, but i need my family’s financial support. i don’t want to make it a big deal since it’s just something i’d be trying out to feel more like myself in certain ways.

sorry this turned into a long ass rant and you don’t have to reply but i’m just gonna kindly leave it in the ask box 💀

There's a post that goes like "all of life is irreversible. i cannot go back a single second" and I think thats something good to keep in mind when you are thinking through this. You are already living with a body that has changed and will continue to change in ways largely out of your control. You are already living in a post-irreversible-alteration body.

If you do go on T and find you don't like how your voice sounds: for one, you can stop at any time (& if you haven't checked out microdosing as an option, you should). But two: plenty of people live with a deeper voice than they want. Plenty of people live with facial hair they dislike. You can pursue the same therapies and procedures they do. Or maybe you don't, and you find ways to live with a voice or face you aren't totally in love with.

So much detransition fearmongering, especially directed at transmascs & assoc. trans people, heavily relies on the specter of the fallen woman, itself steeped in trans-misogyny & intersexism. The idea that, for one, a "woman" who has mixed-sex features is ugly and undesirable, and two, that a "woman" made undesirable is forever doomed to be miserable and worthless. The transphobic story of detransition keeps our bodies stuck in this moment of revulsion and regret, narratively preventing us as characters from being able to move on and live happy lives in atypical bodies. Even if you do regret/dislike some things about T, you are not forever stuck in that feeling. The story does not stop at that! You will just keep living and find new ways of dealing with your bodily feelings!

The social aspect of this is a bit more complicated but I also have some firsthand experience with it. Because, as mentioned before, there's a lot of transphobic misogyny/misogynistic transphobia that affects transmascs & others who go on T, who have to confront the feeling of losing your potential desirability. And then there's also the way many people are treated after going on T, facing a whole new area of bodily scrutiny: you may suddenly have people making comments about how someone needs to force teenage boys to shave because their facial hair is a personal offense. I went from being self-conscious about how high my voice was to being self-conscious about how undeniably trans my voice was. And, specifically, my facial hair, voice changes, etc. were all signs of my transmasculine desire, and I became self-conscious about how obvious it was that I desired being trans, I desired this body. I could no longer let everyone pretend I was a cishet girl at family gatherings and avoid confronting these issues, because I had essentially written I WANT TO BE A TRANNY all over my physical form.

This is something I'm still struggling with myself. I, like many other queer & autistic people, already struggled with feeling desirable or worthy of being seen alongside conventionally attractive cishet people who could act normal. Being visibly trans, and taking a huge step away from the desirable cis-perisex-girl body, can really open up that can of worms. Especially being genderfluid/genderqueer! Because we often cannot find a comfortable space for ourselves within the conventions of attractiveness for cis men, like some binary trans men are able to.

But ultimately, I don't regret going on T at all. I would have had body issues regardless, and I got a lot out of going on T. I think mentally preparing yourself to struggle with these things, and seeking out other transmasc people, is a big help. Again: all of life is irreversible. we cannot go back a single second. We are already living in imperfect bodies we struggle to love or see as worthy. If you know you want some of the things T can offer, and you don't want to go your whole life without knowing, then just do it. Dive in, and don't feel any shame if you decide to get out. Just keep living and finding ways to live better right now.

[remuswriting]

YOU KEEP ME CLOSE; SAWAMURA DAICHI

The only time Y/N gets during his shift to take off his binder is his lunch. It goes similarly every day when waiting for it to come around.

WARNINGS: Trans Male! Reader; Fluff; Cashier Things

WORD COUNT: 1,242 words

NOTES: Bestie/coworkers Iwaizumi & Y/N is so important to me. Also, you should be taking breaks with your binder!!! I try to take mine off during my lunch so I don't hurt my ribs. Y/N's ribs aren't bruised in this, just sore from wearing it.

No gender dysphoria in this. It doesn't add anything to it, so I'm just going to keep the lighter vibe going on here.

Breathing hurts—well, it’s more his ribs than breathing.  As he breathes, everything expands, and it hurts.  So, he looks at his watch for the third time in 10 minutes to see how long until his lunch break.  However, minutes feel like hours whenever it gets like this.

“Time doesn’t pass by faster spending it like that,” Iwaizumi says, and Y/N looks over at him.  They’re standing at the end of the aisles for the registers waiting for customers to checkout.

“Time doesn’t pass by fast no matter what you do here,” Y/N says, and he notices a woman with an empty shopping cart walk past them.  He gives her a warm smile.  Retail has to be one of the most painful jobs anyone can have for lots of reasons.  One of them being time never passing by quick enough.

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, and it’s a better reaction than when he hits Oikawa for something stupid shit.  He’s never hit Y/N before, but Y/N doesn’t think he’s hit anyone but Oikawa before.  It’s most likely a childhood best friend thing that he only gets away with because no one in management has seen him hit sense into Oikawa.

Christmas music plays over the speakers as they straighten up around their registers.  It’s that time where there aren’t too many customers in the store, but even if there are, they want self-checkout.  Y/N focuses on straightening the gum boxes, pretending his chest isn’t aching.

Don’t look at your watch.  Don’t look at your watch.  Don’t—

“Are you okay, L/N?” Iwaizumi asks, and Y/N doesn’t look at him, trying to get things perfectly straight.

“Uh, yeah?” he says, and the boxes aren’t cooperating. “Why?”

“You just… You seem a little off.”

Y/N looks over his shoulder at him, and Iwaizumi just seems concerned.  Y/N is grateful to have Iwaizumi as a coworker, but he can’t just say that he’s in pain because of his binder.  Lunch is the only time he has to take it off and breathe during his eight-hour shift, so he wants it to come faster.  He can’t say that, though.  It doesn’t matter that Iwaizumi wouldn’t hate him.  Y/N just doesn’t tell people.  It’s safer, and he has more control that way.

“I’m just hungry,” he says, which isn’t a lie.  Having to scan warm food from the deli that smells heavenly is making his stomach grumble.  His pocket vibrates, and he quickly pulls his phone out.  He can’t stop himself from grinning. “I speak of food and get a text about lunch.”

“Is Sawamura-san stopping by?”

Y/N nods as he tries to bite down his smile. “Yeah, he needs to buy some ingredients.  I told him what register I’m on.”

“So he’ll be coming to my register,” Iwaizumi says, and he doesn’t sound upset.  There’s actually a faint smile there. (Oikawa once told Y/N that Iwaizumi thinks Daichi is great for Y/N and that he loves seeing Y/N happy.  Iwaizumi would never tell him that, though.)

“Yeah, but it’ll be a while, so you still have to have me for the time being.”

“Hopefully, a customer needs to be checked out soon.”

Y/N gasps, a hand immediately covering his heart. “Iwaizumi-san!  You wound me!”

Y/N laughs while Iwaizumi just shakes his head slightly and goes back to straightening things.  Y/N’s laughter dies down, and he looks at Iwaizumi for a moment before going back to what he was doing.

He was 19 when he came out.  It was an impulsive decision that he figures happened because he was so exhausted from shoving himself into some box that didn’t fit him.  He was forced to be somebody else—future and all.  Absolutely no control of what he could do.  So he snapped.  He cut his hair, informed everyone around him he’s trans, and cut out so many people for not accepting him.  Although it seems so easy to some people, it was so isolating.  It was the most alone he’d ever been, but then he met Sugawara and Daichi, and things fell into place.  Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, even though it’s only been three years.

“Are either of you open?” someone asks, and he looks up to see an older woman.  He smiles at her—his retail smile—and nods.

“Yes, I can get you right over here,” he says, and hopefully this makes time move by faster.

Scanning the woman’s groceries takes far longer than he originally thought.  He hadn’t fully processed she had two full carts of groceries until she had unloaded half the first cart on the belt.  It’s fine, though.  He gets through all of it right as Daichi is in Iwaizumi’s line.  They make eye contact, and Y/N smiles at him.

“Your total is going to be—”

“I’ve already inserted my card,” she says, and he nods as he goes through the motions.  That’s when Aran, his manager, appears behind him.

“Go on your lunch after this,” Aran says before looking at the woman with a dazzling smile.  It’s the one he gives customers since it’s so forced, but from first glance, you wouldn’t realize that. “Ma’am, would you like a carryout today?”

She looks at Aran with wide eyes, probably not expecting to be spoken to by him. “Yes,” she says, and the word sounds slightly choked. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Aran says before hurrying around to the other side of the register to help her and Y/N filling up her cart.  As he does so, he speaks into the walkie talkie. “We need a carryout on register 14.”

Kiyoko comes up behind them, and Y/N quickly logs out so she can log in.  He looks at Aran. “I’m going to lunch now.  I’ll tell them to page someone when I pass customer service.”

“Bye, Iwaizumi-san,” Daichi says, and Y/N nearly runs into him at the end of the aisle.  Daichi looks at him and smiles. “Hey there, stranger.”

Y/N smiles back, and he wants to hug him.  He wants to pull him in close, even if it’d hurt a little.  It’s okay because they’ll go home for a while, and he can take off his binder to breathe for a bit.

Instead, he looks down at the reusable bag Daichi always brings with him to the store.  Y/N should be more like his boyfriend in that regard, but he finds that the plastic bags work just fine.  He also doesn’t have to add another step when getting ready to go to the store.

“Hey there,” Y/N says as he looks back at Daichi. “Want to get out of here?”

“And cook you a meal while you breathe?” Daichi asks, and he’s smiling so hard it’s easy to hear in his voice.  Y/N loves him.  He loves him so much, and he wants to say it.  Instead, he nods. “Count me in.”

“Alright, but I have to stop by customer service really fast,” Y/N says, and Daichi quickly glances behind them.

“Does she need a carryout?” he whispers, and Y/N laughs as he nods.

“Yes, and you’re not helping her, Mr. I-help-everyone-I-meet,” Y/N says, and Daichi rolls his eyes.  He follows Y/N to customer service before they head out the door and Y/N waits for his phone to clock him out.  Once it’s finished, he looks up at Daichi. “I’m free for an hour!”

Daichi grabs his hand and pulls him closer. “Then let’s get you home to relax.”

[nalyra-dreaming]

Hi Nalyra. Question from a show-fan that has never read the books. I've read different angles regarding Akasha. I've read that she abused him and I've read opinions that he loved her deeply. So deep that he attempted suicide because she was killed? What is your opinion?

Hey!

So... I personally think that Lestat is well aware he was "used" and "abused" - and he tries to frame it as love, in order to keep his agency, or regain it. He does that a lot over the books - Magnus, Akasha, Amel. It's complicated, because Lestat also forgives, and his feelings run deep.

Now, in the unpublished book there is an interesting comment, namely that he "escaped" Akasha. Which means, that Lestat himself saw it as something to escape from.

Since Louis is the only one he calls "beautiful one" in the books I do think it is Louis who he calls out for when she takes him. As a note.

Akasha implicitly threatens him over Louis, and there are several instances where Lestat worries over Louis', Gabrielle's and Armand's safety while he is with her.

Yet I was in her arms in this chilling darkness, in the familiar scent of winter, and her blood was mine again, and it was enslaving me- When she drew away, I felt agony. I had to clear my thoughts, had to know whether or not Marius was alive, whether or not Louis and Gabrielle, and Armand, had been spared. I had to find myself again, somehow.

Fear stopped me suddenly. Terrible fear for Gabrielle and Louis and Armand. For Marius. Even for Pandora and Mael. Fear for myself. There isn't a thing made that doesn't fight for life, even when there is no real justification. I wanted to live; I always had.

He does not try to save her when the showdown happens either.

I think the show will go dark with Akasha. They will tap into the abuse aspect of it all, just as they did in s1. Full horror.

Lestat did not try to commit suicide because he loved her though.

He tried to commit suicide because he could not stand living anymore, he experienced full body dysphoria after the way he was changed by her. He hated his changed body, his new powers. He feels estranged and apart from the world, and misunderstood by everyone.

That is why he tries - and fails - to commit suicide. And that then sends him into another downward spiral, because he just cannot kill himself anymore (which is not the same as being killed, just as a note), and that... leads to him jumping onto the opportunity with Raglan James.

[aidenlydia]

I have seen that you are very open about supporting trans people and that your pronouns are they/them. How were you able to understand that you were trans? (If you are.) I've honestly felt so confused lately and don't have anyone I can ask about this. I love your ftm ghost art. I think it is amazing. I just don't know what to do or how I'll ever be able to figure out myself. Totally not your job but was curious if you had advice.

Not sure how helpful this will be, because my trans experience is deeply interlinked with my Dissociative Identity Disorder and Autism, so I'm sorry if this is a bit confusing.

What is Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Terms and Definitions

Autism and Gender

The reason why I go by they/them is because we're literally multiple people. Our two Hosts Aiden and Lydia (aka the alters interacting most with the world outside of our own head) are a man and a woman. We spend all our time together, sharing a body and the control over it.

We used to go by he/she, but people would only view us as a girl because of our body, so we switched to they/them. It makes more sense and feels better to be acknowledged together instead of Aiden being left out all the damn time.

Now bear with me here.

Though Lydia is a cis women, she grew up never belonging anywhere because we're autistic, so she feels like an imposter and a fraud when trying to connect to her feminity. Most days we barely feel human at all because we've been othered all our life. But she still views herself as a woman - motherhood in particular is a big important part of her.

Aiden is a trans man, but he doesn't mind our feminine body and doesn't plan on getting surgery ever. Testosterone maybe, but even that isn't super important to him at the moment. To him knowing he's a man is enough, passing isn't a priority at all. And because all of our Littles are girls he's rather protective of their body - any kind of medical procedure would cause a lot of fear in them.

He realized he's trans because he preferred a male name for himself, short hair and male clothing. It happened very quickly because exploring gender has never been an issue for us, it's fun and simply felt comfortable.

We do have two Agender Alters, but they don't come out in our regular daily life. They don't feel like anything really, they're deeply connected to nature and just want to exist as genderless beings, so they prefer not taking control of our body. It feels peaceful not being put into a box or defined by gender expectations and whatever other bullshit the world comes up with.

In the past we used to have another trans male Host, but he was suffering deeply from gender dysphoria. He couldn't stand the sight of our body or existing in it and became very self destructive about it. Until one day he just stopped coming out and hasn't been back since.

Before I even realized I had DID, gender wasn't really a concept to me. Same with names, it just didn't make sense to me why someone couldn't just change their name if they didn't like the one their parents gave them for whatever reason. I think of people as people, not boys and girls. Sure there are physical differences, but the meanings/genderroles we attributed to them are completely made up.

Folks love nagging me about how I draw my Ghost, but the truth is he can walk around looking like a cis girl and still be a man, I truly dgaf. So what if he's smaller and more delicate looking next to that big bear of a captain, that doesn't make him any less of a man.

The best advice I can give is you don't need to label yourself if you don't want to. You can experiment and just see what feels good. Maybe you'll find a label or make a plan along the way, but don't feel pressured to.

Common things people do is try out a different name, change their pronouns, create and play as video game characters of the opposite gender/sex (or gender non-conforming in general), listen to trans playlists/musicians, shop clothes/stuff in the other section (including underwear or things like jewelry ect), read books or watch movies about different kinds of trans characters, watch video essays about trans topics, create OCs or sonas, look at trans art and watch/read about other people's trans journeys.

Of course there are "what's my gender identity" tests you can take too, idk how helpful those are but I guess they can give you a bit more insight and maybe make you ask questions that you haven't asked yourself before.

Lastly here's a list of gender identities and definitions that might be beneficial to have a look at, as well as my trans resource list I put together last month about what can be done to change your gender in various ways

[fleetingcalypso]

I am very sorry to bother you, but a very sweet prompt fleeted into my mind as I prepared myself to come out to my parents, and I'd thought I'd share it in the sheer hope you'd read it, enjoy the thought and perhaps write something based on it, if you're comfortable.

Just imagine, you're very close to Sirius Black (you can choose to which degree, platonically, romantically, interested but not together yet, preferably the last because hehe). You've known for a while you were transgender (FtM) but never had the strength to come out, fearing rejection and alienation from the friend group. Just a sweet little comfort fic because I'm anxious as fuck.

≋ What you're doing is extremely brave, I'm so very proud of you. I wish you the best, friend. Know that whatever goes down, you'll never be judged or rejected here. I'll pray your coming out will be met with love and affection.

≋ Sirius Black x TransMasc!Reader ≋

≋ Word Count: 2285 words.

≋TW: Dysphoria, Misgendering (not done by Sirius)

Hogwarts seemed intimidating, more than anything. Eleven year old me, sitting in that train, chewing my nails and staring out at the moving scenery, had not the slightest idea that finding friends would be as easy as breathing. At least it is when four troublemakers decide to adopt you into their friend group, barely a week after classes started.

‘The marauders’ they’d call themselves, not so slowly becoming every professor’s nightmare.

They each had something that made them so intriguing. The four of them were attached at the hip, and with me being dragged into their pranks and escapades things only got more entertaining. Even as my house was far away from the castle we studied at, every day I got to spend with them made it feel like I was home, with their jokes and their being able to light up a dull moment with only a couple of words. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter welcomed me in, as one of them.

In the midst of my lowest moments I wondered, would they still accept me if I let my walls down? I sprinkled seeds of the truth here and there: I cut my hair short, I opted for pants instead of the usual skirt, I was at my happiest during winter - when finally I could show off the baggiest of sweaters to conceal the appendages on my chest. It’s not purely a physical discomfort, though. It’s in the little things, small seemingly meaningless moments that no one appears to notice but me. 

People perceive me differently based on how I move even the tiniest of muscles, it is painfully obvious. The boys have never done it, not once, they’ve always treated me as one of them. Never has one of them implied me being weaker, more delicate or called me ‘sweetheart’ in that obnoxious way lots of people do when they’re trying to put me back in my place.

 My head constantly feels underwater with the knowledge that if I were to sit wrong I’d be labeled as a girl, if I walk in a specific way it’ll put attention on my hips, even just standing, unmoving, gives me anxiety. The most insignificant of movements could shoot down the image of me that I want people to see whenever they lay eyes on me.

I feared the worst each time I let my mind tug me into a daydream. Deep down I knew, they’d never turn their back on a friend, but fear nipped at my heels every day. Not only was I hiding who I was from them, but I was lying to their faces about it as well. What hurt me the most, though, was not being able to admit my identity to Sirius.

Sirius Orion Black, he’s been the one that made sure I felt safe around him and the lads. More than once I caught myself being entranced by his words as he let the rest of us know what a nightmare his family life was. He was the total opposite of what his mother wanted him to be, yet that didn’t stop him from being his pure unfiltered self, if anything he enhanced each trait she found disgusting. Sirius wasn’t scared to be his true self, even if it meant going against his blood.

It sparked something in me. My heart has been his, for a long time now.

Sirius, with his raven locks, smooth skin and ever present smirk on his face is the one and only subject of all my dreams. He constantly looks as though he knows everyone’s secrets. The thought makes my stomach twist. When I awake, with the moon still high up in the sky, I almost turn to the pillow beside me, to take a peek at him, they’re that realistic. 

At any rate, if there’s someone that I feel should be the one to know the true me, it is him. I contemplated asking all four of them to meet me, but I don’t think I could rip the bandaid that easily. I want to talk to the one who knows -somewhat- how it feels to have expectations placed on oneself, the one who knows that being someone you’re not is more painful than the Crucio curse itself. Of course our situations are oceans apart: he doesn’t deal with having the need to hide certain parts of my body, or with the numerous wailing moments caused by being born in the wrong body, but I think he'd be the first one to accept me.

I had a whole speech prepared, a letter pages and pages long that I was going to give him, so he could read it without my presence, but as I hear his footsteps approaching me, I can imagine him already. His wand resting behind his ear and tie loosened, hands comfortably and nonchalantly situated in the pockets of his jeans with his luscious hair possibly styled into a bun.

“You’ve been rather gloomy lately, mate.” His foot taps my leg, before he lowers himself to sit next to me. We’ve always enjoyed sitting in the astronomy tower together, in the short span of time between a prank or two. Here, we don’t have to worry about being something else, we’re just humans admiring the stars. In hindsight, I should have figured out he knew I’d be hiding out here, as for my ‘being gloomy’, well, I thought I’d done a good job pretending. Apparently not. It makes me wonder if he’s seen through all of my white lies.

“You know how it is, life is hard.” I turn to him, expecting a silly joke like ‘Life is hard, but I’m harder’, something stupid to cheer me up as he usually does, but said joke never makes it into reality. He’s not even smiling, his lip is caught between his teeth in a clearly troubled look, it doesn’t suit him. No trace of a bun holding his luscious hair in place, what a shame.

“Are you okay though?” He whispers, even if we are the only beating hearts in the room and the sincerity in his voice almost brings me to tears. “I mean it when I say you haven’t been yourself lately.” I haven’t fully been myself for ages, but he doesn’t know that. Of course he doesn’t. I’ve been everything but myself. Oh, how many times have I hoped I could just rip my chest apart and rid myself of this body that doesn’t belong to me, before emerging from the depth of it as the man I know I am.

My tongue is threatening me to run faster than my mind. ‘I’m a man’ I want to shout, ‘I have always been a man, from the moment I was born, and I hope you can accept me for what I am.’ It sounds so easy in my head, which is why I hate it more than anything when my throat dries up as soon as I part my lips. His gaze falls to them, but it comes back up to meet my eyes when only a sigh escapes from them.

In being faced with my hesitation he speaks again, a subtle comforting smile on his face, “Hey, I’m not holding you hostage. You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t feel like it.” His elbow meeting my side in a gentle shove sends my heart ablaze, it is just a simple touch, not even skin on skin, yet it makes my entire body warm up.

“If one day you woke up and saw that you were trapped in a cage, what would you do?” I tentatively ask, testing the waters of the ocean I know I am going to dive in today. My question causes a corner of his lips to tilt upwards, “I’d pick the lock,” He says, as if the solution would be that easy. I foolishly hope it was.

“What if there is no lock to pick? What if you could escape it, but you’d have to face one of the biggest fears in your life in order to do so?” 

His answer, before I can even finish the last syllable, “I’d do it. If it means freedom, I’d do anything. You know it.” His hand rests on my shoulder, I can feel his thumb pressing into my muscles, more than anything I want to hug him and confess my reality with my face hidden in his neck. But I don’t. I’m tired of hiding. My life has turned into a twisted version of hide and seek, where I’m both the seeker and the one hiding. I seek a day where I won’t have to hold back anymore, a day where I’ll be able to use a masculine pronoun without expecting weird looks towards me, yet I hide away in the darkness, afraid of the future, afraid of losing everything I’ve built so far. 

I’ve built mansions, cathedrals, palaces with precarious foundations and I think the time has come to fix that. 

“What’s with all the philosophical talk today? Cages and fears and whatnot. Is it a new idea for a prank? Because if it is you need to hear one James had just a while ago-”

“I’ve been lying to you, Sirius.” I confess with the taste of bile in the back of my throat. The letter I had prepared and read so many times I’d memorized it sits deep in the pockets of my pants, I’m running on no script and no idea of where this conversation will bring us. I have no patience to hear what he might say, so I don’t even stop to breathe before I speak again.

“I’ve been lying to all of you, even to myself at times. I want to preface this by saying that I understand if this is confusing to you, or if you don’t understand where this is coming from but I am not the girl you boys befriended all those years ago. I’ve never been a girl, not once, but this doesn’t mean I’ve been faking to be your friend. I’m still the friend that helped you get out of detention, I’m still the friend that sent professors down the wrong hallway when they would ask for you mid prank preparation, I’m still the friend that would do your essays for you in exchange for part of your food at lunch. I’m still your friend, just not the friend you thought you had.” The words flow out like a river overflowing, it is only as I say the last word that I notice the tears rolling down my cheeks, “I’m not a girl,” I say again, my voice cracking in a sob, “I’m a guy.” 

The grip he had on my shoulder tightens for a moment before he lets out the loudest sigh of relief I’ve ever heard, “By Merlin’s beard, you scared me half to death there.” His other hand rests on his chest, most likely trying to relax his beating heart that, if it’s pounding half the speed of mine, then it must be fighting tooth and nail to escape his ribcage. Something halfway through another sigh and a chuckle comes from him as his head shakes, “So, you’re a bloke, huh? Is that what you’re telling me?” 

I nod, swallowing the gulp stuck in my throat, I can’t force myself to make a sound. The arm wrapping itself around my shoulder and pulling me into Sirius takes me by surprise, “You were always one of the lads, mate.” He says, grinning ear to ear, “Thank you for telling me. I can’t imagine this was easy for you…” The weight on my back does not abandon me completely, it is only the tiniest amount lighter. The first step is taken, there is no going back, little by little he’ll be able to uncover all of me. One small step at a time. Now it is no time to let him know how the only things I smelled while brewing amortentia was his cologne, butterbeer and the occasional cigarette. 

I don’t know what else to say, it feels like I just lept from a flying broom awaiting contact with the ground, but the crash never comes, my bones never break and no absurd pain breaks through me. “Thank you for still being here.” I choke out. His thumb runs over the corners of my eyes, the silver rings on his fingers graze my hot skin, “Thank you for telling me.” He repeats, dragging my body closer to his in a warm hug, “I want you to know, telling the others, that’s your choice. I won’t say a word. There’s no rush. I’ll even hold your hand while you do it.”

I melt in his arms. His last remark, as teasing as it was, is enough to pull a smile out of me. “I’ll make sure to let you know whenever I’m ready so you can wash your hands first. Who knows what you’ve touched.”

“Wow, rude much.” Sirius holds me for what feels like a lifetime. They say Hogwarts is the safest place there is, but I think I’ve found a worthy adversary to that claim. We don’t say anything, I said my piece and he listened. That’s all that was important. One day I’m going to have to tell James, Remus and Peter as well, but that can wait for now. The worst is done. 

“Do you feel a little more free now?” He murmurs in my ear, “Has that cage began to feel like something you could escape from?”

“Yes.” And I mean it when I say it. The future looks brighter than it ever has.

[do-you-know-this-adhd-character]

Do you know this (noncanon) ADHD character?

SPECIFICALLY THE VERSION FROM DUCKTALES (2017)

Evidence below the cut!

There were two submissions for this one!

Submission 1: honestly i'm surprised dewey hasn't been submitted yet bc he's like. "classic adhd personality type". he's hyperactive, impulsive, easily distracted, and HATES being bored. the official character bio describes him as "quick to throw himself into dangerous situations without thinking" and in the pilot episode gets distracted mid-conversation ("stop! scrooge was trying to keep me out of trouble, but i was so caught up in- why is there a lamp on the floor?") what REALLY sealed the deal for this headcanon, however, was the rsd he displays, bc this kid desperately wants to be loved by everyone and is absolutely crushed when that doesn't happen. his dream world is a high school musical-type high school where he's the mascot and star (nightmare on killmotor street); he had a panic attack because he tried playing a heel in a wrestling match and the crowd kept booing him (rumble for ragnarok); and in one episode started crying bc he thought he disappointed his mom (raiders of the doomsday vault). (speaking of his mom, there's loosely enough evidence to point to her being adhd too, and you know what they say about it running in families.)

Submission 2:

i could go on for AGESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS about dewey and the adhd headcanon. i am going to write a bunch of stuff, but it probably won't turn out very well (i write worse when i'm passionate about something lmao) why i see him as adhd: he has EXTREME rejection sensetivity dysphoria, which to me is most apparent in the money tree and boxing episodes (which i have inconveniently forgotten the names of). he requires attention and love to feel fulfilled, and will go to great lengths to be praised. he hates failure and the idea of being a dissapointment, so he goes to great lengths to prove his worth. he tends to be stupidly stubborn, not backing out of something even if it would put him in serious danger. he's also very impulsive -- jumps into dangerous situations without thinking about the consequence, all that matters is that it's exciting! he's SUPER energetic, and a small detail i noticed is that he doesn't seem to fall asleep easily? he's very chatty, there's an entire episode where he gets involved in a gang of sky pirates because he really, really wanted to talk about a hat he found. a lot of his decisions are irrational or generally just based on strong emotions?? he's definetly more of a thinker than a feeler. ("stop assuming i know things, ok? baseline, assume i know NOTHING!") he exaggerates his emotions or the severity of situations a lot. very easily distracted (or at least pays attention to the wrong thing? like, when they're offered to test out godhood, when they're told they're going to do "god auditions", dewey seems to miss out the "god" part and just does a dance routine (his reaction to realising he messed up is too funny to me, and his dance was actually really good imo) he's constantly breaking into song, uses his name as a pun almost constantly, and has a catchphrase he uses regularly. it's his 'character trait' (i'm not entirely sure how this relates to adhd but like. it makes sense to me) WAY too curious for his own good. generally just really hyperactive? goofs off when it's not really appropriate. i feel like there has been moments where he's been shown stimming before. (ik huey has for sure i'm not totally certain about dewey tho) also he's voiced by BEN SCHWARTZ. that guy seems to want to voice adhd-hi characters that are represented with the colour blue. ICONIC anyways that's all for my silly rambling. dewey and huey are the ultimate adhd autism solidarity duo btw

[ahsxual]

So if you're still up for some Matthew Lillard requests I think I have one :)) (Ps, I literally love your writing! It's awesome!)

Could you possibly do Dennis Rafkin x a trans masc reader who is insecure about their body due to dysphoria?

A/N: I'm so sorry for taking so long to write this! I'm so happy to know that you enjoy my writing, hun🥺 I hope you like this and I apologize if I wasn't very specific about your request, but I tried my best! Ty for requesting 🤗

Pairing: Dennis Rafkin x GN!Reader

You and Dennis have a very close and intimate relationship in every aspect, in which you both understand each other like genuine soulmates. By just a simple glance, you already knew what was going on in each other's minds and what you were feeling inside your big, delicate hearts

Dennis himself has a lot of insecurities, so he completely understands and supports you whenever you feel down because of your appearance insecurities as well

Over time, you realize he's actually a very clingy and attentive boyfriend, always needing your approval, support and care, and he's more than willing to do the same for his lover

"Stop thinking and saying those bad things about yourself, Y/N! It's not true! You're the most amazing and beautiful/handsome human being I've ever laid my eyes upon and I'm so glad that you love me as much as I love you, sweetie." he would say to reassure you while gripping your forearms firmly

"You're so perfect in my eyes, honey... I know this sounds cliche, but I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, because you'd never feel that way about yourself anymore."

You usually cry when you see his tenderness towards you, how caring and affectionate he is with you in those fragile moments. Watching your tears fall from your eyes makes him cry too, as you're both so vulnerable and open with your feelings towards each other

"You helped me see something worthy in myself and it's only my job as your boyfriend to do the same for my sweetheart. I never liked anything about myself before I met you, and I'm so grateful for that... so I won't give up until you see your true worth and your beauty... I promise you, Y/N." he confessed between soft sobs, his lips trembling from how emotional he was feeling in that moment

And he always made you feel better about yourself afterwards, never failing in his reassuring promises to make you love youself more each day

At the beginning of your relationship, he was too scared to touch you and so were you, because you didn't want to hurt him by being the reason of his painful migraines

But as your relationship developed, he began to crave your touch and affection, even if it meant that he had to see some bad visions from your past

Until there was a moment where he already knew all about your past, more specifically your darkest moments, so his visions about your life stopped "hurting" him at certain point only his heart lol

Since then, your relationship had grown stronger, as he knows every insecurity you have and vice-versa. Besides being romantic partners, you are also best friends, which has made everything so much better and natural for you, with no hidden secrets between you

That being said, whenever you're feeling insecure, Dennis tends to hug you and gently kiss every piece of soft skin on your body that you don't like until you're a giggling mess.

Sometimes you even fall asleep in his arms, your last memory being of him kissing you so lovingly and his big hands caressing the part of your body you felt insecure about

If you don't want him to touch you in those vulnerable moments, he'll respect you as he sits by your side while saying the things he loves the most about you and how you don't need to feel insecure about anything, because in his eyes you're perfection

He's so attentive and careful with his words, struggling to think which words and compliments he should say to help you feel better

He gets very nervous and stressed if his praises and loving touches don't soothe you, so most of those times you need to calm him down, even if it was you who felt bad and sensitive in the first place

At the end of the day, with all his efforts to make you feel incredible, you see yourself a little differently, in a positive way for sure, and you feel so much better because of your sweet boyfriend who loves you dearly and would do anything to make you feel happy by his side

[rivetgoth]

I’m a huge proponent for anyone should have access to whatever tools they need to do whatever they want to their body etc but ngl it makes me sad seeing the number of AFAB transes who speak of taking testosterone as this almost like, unfortunate thing you gotta endure to get a set list of Desired Changes, or this sorta like, thing you gotta compromise on, with this whole list of negative effects that you gotta risk if you want the positives or whatever, and just constant posts that are functionally like “how long do I have to be on T until I can stop?” or “I want XYZ changes from T but I don’t want ABC changes,” and like it just frustrates me because to be frank I love testosterone. I love everything about being on it and I consider it a miracle that modern medicine has made it possible to access this hormone exogenously if we can’t produce enough of it ourselves. I feel like fundamentally my lack of proper T levels had a negative impact on me until it was corrected and I don’t feel like I was truly myself until I began HRT. Literally the only negative thing about it at all is the frustration that I’m dependent on an outside source for the rest of my life rather than able to just make it myself but there’s no doubt in my mind that I want to be on it for the rest of my life. While maybe a bit pedantic I don’t view T as having side effects, I don’t even necessarily view it as a medication in the traditional sense, it’s just an artificial way for me to correct my body to the state it already should’ve been in. I was overcome by relief after taking my very first dose when I was seeing 0 changes and even as the initial excitement has naturally died down over the years that relief is something I never take for granted. If I could keep every change T has given me and stop taking it I still wouldn’t because beneath all the desire for the changes there is an innate desire to just be on testosterone. I just idk dude I wish that HRT at least within the FTM / transmasc community was viewed with more reverence and the perspectives of those who view it as genuinely a life saving and necessary resource were given a little more voice. I think the entire idea of hormonal dysphoria and the need to alleviate it by correcting one’s hormone production separate from the laundry list of the possible more visible changes and side effects and what’s desired or not or what’s permanent or not etc etc of HRT is seen as weirdly archaic in lots of mainstream FTM spaces and it’s a bit frustrating and isolating.

[hellfireswhore]

Broken Ribs (pt.2)

Carl Grimes X FTM! Reader

Summary: Over time, Carl Grimes grew on you. You finally realized you had feelings for him and planned to admit them to him, but things didn’t go as planned.

Warnings: Angst, fluff, language, violence, dysphoria, self-harm, suicidal thoughts

Pronouns: He/Him

(Part one here)

»»————-　♡　————-««

Ever since you joined Ricks's group, you’ve been through a lot of traumatic events.

The governor, the prison falling apart, getting separated from the group, some of the group members that you called family passing, and Terminus.

It all changed when you found Alexandria.

A secure and safe camp where your group could stay and hopefully even settle.

It was difficult to settle for you due to all the incidents that have happened in Alexandria. Especially being attacked by people with W’a on their forehead, the walls collapsing causing walkers to break in, and lastly, Carl’s eye getting shot out.

You were there for all of it.

Carl was your best friend. He was there for you when you were both complete strangers to each other. You had to be there for him like he was when your ribs broke back at the prison.

Every incident brought you closer together. Although, it made you gain feelings for the brunette boy. You realized this when he was in danger. You couldn’t live with the regret of not being completely honest with him if he was gone.

The problem was he and this girl named Enid also grew close to each other.

This made you realize you needed to do it now or never.

You refuse to lose him.

“Michonne, I’m terrified.” You spoke to the women pacing around your room in the house you shared with Rick, Michonne, Judith, and Carl. “What if he says no? And I just ruined our friendship?” You continued. Michonne was absorbing this with her arms crossed, smiling, eyes following your anxious movements. “Y/N, after all, you’ve been through, this is your biggest concern?” She spoke.

“This is different! I’ve never felt like this!” You replied, starting to bite your nails, continuing to pace. “Awe yes, a teenager in love with their best friend. A mixture of feelings. But hey-“ Michonne stopped you in your tracks, making you and her make direct eye contact.

“If you don’t do this, it will eat you up. You have the choice to share how you truly feel, not a lot of people have that choice. No matter what happens, Carl will still be a part of your life because you are a part of his and ours.”

Michonne’s words gave you the exact motivation you needed.

You nodded in agreement and she pulled you into a comforting hug to reassure you, no matter what happens, it’s gonna be okay.

“Now, Go! Before the walkers get 'em!” Michonne piled you back causing you to gasp. “Don’t joke like that, dude!” You lightly pushed her shoulder causing her to chuckle. “But seriously, I saw him head over the walls, you should hurry before it gets dark.”

“Are you kidding?!” You burst out. You grabbed your bag and quickly head out of the house towards the walls.

You started to climb over the Alexandrian walls with caution to avoid getting caught by the guards. Once out, you started to walk into the woods.

You have no clue where he’d be, so, you used your knowledge of tracking that Daryl taught you back at the prison. Daryl was like an uncle to you with all honesty and you appreciated how he tried to understand your gender identity. Same thing with Rick, although, he’s like a father figure. You loved your found family.

Pulling out of your thoughts you heard a conversation from afar. With instinct, you approach quietly and hid behind a tree. You focused your eyes on the conversation and saw two people.

It was Carl!

And…Enid?

“I thought he was alone?” You thought to yourself. You were hoping to find him alone so you could admit your feelings. But, time had other plans.

“We’ve been walking for forever, can we please stop?” Carl announced. Enid stopped in her tracks. “Sorry, I have a lot on my mind.” She replied. “What’s up?” Carl replied. Enid turned to face Carl, “I’ve been thinking about you..a lot lately.”

What the hell is that supposed to mean??

You continued to hide behind the tree, still eavesdropping on Carl and Enid. Your heart started to pick up a little.

“How so?” Carl replied. Enid moved closer towards Carl, “I don’t know if I can bring myself to speak it.” She paused, “But I can show you.”

Your eyes widen at the sight.

Enid is kissing Carl

Your Carl Grimes.

Your heart is aching, feeling as if it’s bleeding. The more you stand there, staring at them. Your eyes water, threatening to spill.

You slowly back away from your hiding place. You had to get out of here. You couldn’t stand to see this any longer. Although, you overlooked a tree root picking out the ground, causing you to fall backward.

Carl turns around, breaking the kiss. Hand on his holster ready to defend himself, but, he only saw you.

“Y/N?” Carl spoke. But before he could say anything else, You got up and ran off. “Y/N, wait!” He yelled, wanting to go after you. Then, he felt a hand on his wrist, resisting him to chase after you. “Let him go. He’s fine. He only fell.”

Carl turned around, but his face was serious. “Are you kidding me? He’s alone. I’m not leaving him out here.” “But you’ll leave me out here?!” Enid added.

Carl huffed in frustration, “Y/N is my-“ Carl paused, catching his words “-I need to know he’s okay…just go home.” He finished, walking away from Enid to find you.

You ran.

You ran as far as your body could take you.

It was now dark and you could barely see anything or anyone in sight.

Your legs became limp, letting your body fall into the grass.

You had no idea how long you’d been running. You'd do it again if it kept your mind after what you just witnessed.

You were too late.

When that thought came to mind, you broke down. Tears spilled from your eyes. Your lips shaking and your breathing is uneven. A pain grew in your chest. Making you realize you are back to where you started.

Overbinding.

But, this time, you didn’t care.

Dysphoria already made you want to cause harm to yourself, but the mixture of heartbreak, made you want to die.

Hyperventilating took over you and you didn’t even notice the walker in front of you. But, you didn’t care. If you couldn’t be who you wanted to be with someone you loved, you didn’t want to be here anymore.

Suddenly, the walker was stabbed in the head, falling to the ground revealing a boy with a sheriff's hat, Carl Grimes.

“Y/N! Y/N, are you okay?” The boy questioned, fear written on his face. You didn’t answer, only your hard, fast breaths came out. Carl was checking for injuries on you. He lifted up your shirt to examine more and only saw the bandages on your chest. He remembers Hershel informing him of this binding technique. Concern falls onto his face.

“I thought you stopped binding like this? We need to get this off of you. You’re breathing is uneven.” You started to cry again, making Carl treat you carefully. “I know, I know, I'm sorry. But I need you in one piece okay?”

Oddly enough, you weren’t crying because of the bandages coming off, but Carl decreased your dysphoria. Maybe it was because you felt like yourself and didn’t have to prove that you were a boy, because, through his eyes, he sees you as a man.

But your tears spilled because you couldn’t have him like this daily.

He finished removing the bandages and covered you back. You continued to cry still lying in the grass. “Please don’t cry, Y/N. I hate seeing you cry.” Carl spoke softly, reaching to pick you up from the ground into a hug. You hugged him back, crying Into his shoulder. He ran his hands over your back hoping it would calm you down.

Why was Y/N still crying? Was it the dysphoria? The close-to-death experience? Hun seeing Enid kiss Carl-

Wait…

Carl ran a Problem in his head. It couldn’t have been the dysphoria. You’ve mentioned to him once or twice you’re comfortable not binding around him. And the walker? It was only one. You could’ve taken that walker out like that, even in this state. The kiss? Why else would you have run away and ignored his calls toward you.

It all started to click.

After a few minutes, your cries turned into soft sniffles. Once he realized you were calm, he pulled back to see your face but kept his hands on you.

“Y/N, be honest, why were you there with Enid and me? Carl questioned. Your heart picked up, fear picking itself back up. Where did your confidence go?

“It’s okay, I'm not mad. You can tell me.” Carl reassured. Those words gave a tiny amount of strength. You already knew who we wanted, so why not just admit it.

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but…I wanted to tell you that I’ve grown to care for you. Deeply. Like..” you paused, preparing to spit out the words you’ve wanted to say for so long.

“I love you, Carl Grimes.”

You lowered your face, hiding your watery eyes from him. “I-I know you like Enid, but I wanted to tell you because you deserve to know.” You stuttered. Lips beginning to shake again.

“I don’t want, Enid.” Carl broke the silence. You froze in place, trying to process what he just said. Suddenly, you felt hands on your cheeks, lifting your face to see Carl. Your eyes were focused on his, noses almost touching, you could practically feel his breath.

“I want you, Y/N. It’s always been you.” Those words were enough to make you close the distance. Carl instantly kissed you back, making you put your hands on his hands which were still on your cheek. You pulled away for air but kept your forehead against Carl. He grazed his thumbs over your cheeks, removing your cheek-stained tears, and smiled.

“I’m so in love with you, Y/N L/N.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

A/N: I decided to continue to "Broken Ribs" one-shot into a part two bc I kinda left a cliffhanger in the original and couldn't do yall like that! This is the final part so there will be no more updates on this scenario. But, I will continue to write an FTM reader for Carl! just other scenarios. I hope yall enjoyed this!!! Also, I do accept requests so id love to hear what yall would like to see! (atm only for TWD)