#I've been showing everyone this picture I love my girlie so much

[soupacool]

look at my perfect angel baby right the fuck now

[tthesongofachilless]

THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL

♟️ — relationship: Max Verstappen x fem!teammate!reader

♟️ — face claim: Pinterest

♟️ — WARNING: This smau includes hate, death threats and sexism.

♟️ — a/n: thank you everyone for the support recently! Its been a wild ride making this, so I hope you enjoy it! For requests on my next smau, feel free to put in an ask! Enjoy

maxverstappen1, yourbestfriend and 384,752 other liked..

f1: F1 BREAKING: Y/n Y/l/n signs with Redbull! ✏️

view comments:

user1: WHAT HUH WAIT WHAAA

user2: RUE... WHEN WAS THIS?

user3: IM SHAKING

redbullracing: welcome 🫶🏻

user4: OH HELL NO

user5: checo come back the kids miss you (im the kids)

maxverstappen1: 👋

user6: i thought we were getting a maxiel reunion..

user7: she's a fucking rookie what do redbull expect is gonna happen

user8: the history book on the shelf is always repeating itself 😔😔😔

yourusername: 🫶

user9: shut your goofy ass up go to Williams instead they will LOVE you there

yourbestfriend, landonorris and 23,038 others liked..

yourusername: trying to live my life till the fullest until my trainer forces me to stop 🙈

view comments:

user10: oh don't worry girlie you'll be back to living your life till the fullest in no time

user11: gosh lando in the likes she's already tryna bag every driver

user12: all i wanna know is how does y/n make that many cups of coffee and not finish any of them?

user13: cant wait to see her make a post talking about her leaving F1

user14: y/n is about to become the james charles of f1

yourbestfriend: miss you xxx

yourusername: miss you more!!!

—

liked by redbullracing, maxverstappen1 and 197,296 others..

f1: 👋 Hello Max, Hello Y/n! Who's ready for our opening round of the season?

view comments

user20: gosh she won't even let the photographers get a good picture for the official f1 insta

user21: did they..... arrive together...?

user22: uhm!!! who is this girl!!!! where is checo!!!!???

user23: max run

redbullracing: Hello, f1!

yourusername: ME!!!🙈🙈🙈

user24: shut UP ALREADY

schecoperez and 482,074 liked..

f1: CONTACT! 💥 Max Verstappen is okay, safety car is deployed.

view comments:

user25: im going to murder y/n.

user26: turning the tv off it isn't worth watching anymore

user27: CHECO IN THE LIKES HAHAHA

user28: hey y/n do a mazespin

user29: redbull shaking in their boots

landonorris, redbullracing and 963,285 liked..

f1: Y/N Y/L/N, A FORMULA ONE GRAND PRIX WINNER!

view comments

yourbestfriend: THAT'S MY GIRL

redbullracing: 👊👊👊

user30: ugh

user31: can't wait for her to crash at every other race!

user32: wondering how the haters feel now...

yourusername: I FEEL AMAZING 🥁🥁

user33: kill yourself

yourusername posted a story!

caption: I'm winning

tagged: maxverstappen1

view comments

maxverstappen1: uhm you cheated

yourusername: you literally ate one of your cards

user34: leave that man alone

user35: jump out of the bus

maxverstappen1, taylorswift and 38,284 others liked..

yourusername: Taylor was right! Haters gonna hate hate hate while I'm just gonna shake shake shake!

view comments

user36: she's so annoying

user37: she's a swiftie? Gonna stop listening to Taylor now 🙉

taylornation: glad we could help 💕

user38: are we not going to talk about the second picture

user39: im scared for that mans wellbeing

maxverstappen1: 🏌️ Score!

user40: MAX RUN

—

— 7 Months later..

maxverstappen1, yourbestfriend and 918,024 others liked..

yourusername: wanna die but at least I've got my boo 💐

view comments

yourusername: you deserve so much better baby 💕

maxverstappen1: 👫 twinssss

user44: I'm sorry YOU SAY TWINS IN THAT YOU WANNA DIE OR YOU GOT YOUR BOO

user45: girl has been through it all in the past few months

user46: show them that they're wrong!!

user47: who is the boo?

user48: ugh such a pinterest lifestyle

liked by redbullracing, maxverstappen1 and 486,019 others

f1: Our final race of the season is upon us! Who will take the title? Verstappen or Y/l/n?

view comments

user50: if y/n manages to win the title in her rookie year despite all the hate she's getting I'm going to be so proud

user51: both deserve it so much 🧡

redbullracing: We are happy either way!

user52: DU DU DU DU MAX VERSTAPPEN

user53: y/n prove the haters wrong!

liked by 401,851 others.

F1: RED FLAG 🚩 Mick is okay.

view comments

user54: SHITTTT

user55: Mick baby you need a new seat

user56: doesn't this now make redbull 1-2?

user57: yeah! y/n is leading while Max is second

liked by 1,052,852 others

F1: We go racing again in Abu Dhabi! Y/n is leading with Max in second and Lewis in third.

view comments

user58: YOU GOT THIS Y/N!!!

user59: Lewis could do so something really funny now

user60: MAXIE 2024 CHAMP

user61: last race with Lewis at merc... im not sad... no...

user62: im shaking

maxverstappen1, yourbestfriend and 4,952,012 others liked..

F1: OUR NEWEST WORLD CHAMPION, Y/N Y/L/N!

view comments

user64: fucking bitch

user65: YESSSSSS

user66: UGH

user67: the way max looked at her when he got out of the car 🥹

user68: can't tell if she used him to get the wdc or if they are actually in love

user69: MAX AND Y/N OH MY GODD

user70: 💕

yourbestfriend: AHDHDHHGDDHHD IM GONNA DIE

yourusername, redbullracing and 6,308,157 others liked

maxverstappen1: Y/n, I've loved you since I first met you in our junior years. Your personality matches mine, and I could've never asked for anyone more beautiful than you. Please let us grow old together and look back on these moments and laugh.

Love you, world champion. 💛

view comments

yourusername: 💛 Gosh I love you come back to our room let me kiss you

user71: "let us grow old together" max what if I just died now

redbullracing: So happy for you both 💛

user72: THE THIRD PICTURE?

user73: gonna cry myself to sleep

user74: THEY ARE SO CUTEEEE

user75: UGHFHFHFHD

— fin 💐

— ♟️ a/n : thank you all so much for reading this! This took a while to make, as i was really stuck on how to progress the story further without making it too short. Again, if you have any smau requests, feel free to put them in my asks! Love you all 🦅🦅

[tan1shere]

Film Wife

Young Miko x Female Reader !

A/n: hey all ! Some of you have been asking for this so I'm here to provide for yall ;) this is in English because I am not Spanish what so ever so i'm very sorry to disappoint but for all the fans who would like to read this in English this is for you girlies, enjoy ! (I'm so fucking down bad for this woman this was so yummy to write.) Also if you want any others with Miko please lmk ! Gimmie as many requests as you can think of :)

Summary: You know how theres a thing called 'work wife'? Your Mikos film wife ;)

Warnings: smut ! Mdni. Car sex 😏 don't ask me why but I just know this woman either has an army green strap or a rainbow one. I'm convinced!! Just filthiness like usual-

Pt 2 , pt 3

Masterlist

"Cut!" The director screams. You were currently on set of a singers music video. Everyone loved having you in them you were quite popular. You walk over to your manager, walking past the artist giving them a smile. "You have another music video later on." Your manager Stacy tells you. "Do we know of this person." She shrugs. "You might." She states, showing you her phone. You have a look at the photo she shows you. "Young Miko, or Baby Miko. She's filming a video for her latest song Lisa." You look over the photo, looking at it all very clearly. You were stunned, she was incredibly attractive. She was wearing a beanie, big short sleeved t-shirt, tattoos that immediately catch your attention. "Go home, get changed and I'll send you the dress code." She flashes a toothy smile at you.

Later rolls round fast, you were currently just sitting on your couch in your apartment scrolling on Instagram. Your curiosity got the better of you. Heading to the search bar and looking this mysterious woman up. You scroll a bit, looking at every picture carefully, you would be lying if you said you weren't already obsessed with her. She looks like so much fun. The thought made you smirk to yourself, letting out a slight giggle. This was going to be good.

You had arrived at the studio, seeing your manager and going over to her. "So, what's my part in this." You set your bags down. She points to a bed. "You will be filming a rather, heated scene on this with the artist herself." You couldn't help the blush that spread across your face. You enjoyed these types of scenes, especially when the artist is extremely attractive. "Sounds good." You head over to the bed, just getting into the clothes Stacy had said to. You weren't paying much attention when you felt the bed dip just a little. Bringing you to gaze up. You're met with those beautiful blue eyes. "Y/n? Correct?" You nod. "I've been told you don't speak any Spanish?" You shake your head. "No, I mean I might know the basics, but not well." She nods, herself. "That's quite alright. Good thing I'm good with my English huh?" She smiles at you.

But there was something in the smile, something flirty. "Action!" The music starts playing, Miko gets closer to you, slowly but surely. It makes your heart slightly race, she was so much more hotter in person. She was tall, cheeky. Just over-all attractive. She looks at your lips for a quick second then looks into your eyes, seeing her slyly smirk and lean into you. The kiss was soft, but slowly turning more heated. You put your hands so that they're resting on her neck, as she put hers on your hips, slowly pushing you down on the bed and getting ontop of you. Everyone always asks how you do these and not immediately fall inlove. You were the best liar because honestly it wasn't easy. Miko continued the kiss, deepening it. You felt her tongue swipe across your bottom lip, and how could you deny this oh so yummy makeout.

That went on for a tiny bit more before the director called cut. Signaling that it was the end of the shot. You furrow your brows, not expecting it to be so short. You dreadfully wanted more, but how on earth would that happen. "That's it for today." Stacy says coming over to you, your water in hand. "I didn't expect it to be over so soon." You state. "They got what they needed." She smiles at you. You watch as she walks off, knowing it's it for the day. You feel a tap on your shoulder, turning around to see who it could be. "Do you do kissing scenes very often?" Miko asks, looking right at you. She towered over you just slightly as you were quite short, making your breath go uneasy for a second. "I do actually, that's one of the jobs I get frequently." She smirks to herself. "I can see why. You're a hell of a good kisser." You swallow at the compliment. Not knowing where all your bold attitude had gone to, but you were so hoping for it back. She comes a bit closer to you, leaning down to your ear.

"Why don't I take you home." Your eyes grew wide. Definitely taking up that offer right away, not only because you want to see where this goes with her, but because you had come here in an Uber. "I'd love that." She nods, putting her hand on your lower back. Watching as you walk to get your belongings. Was this really going to lead to something? Yes. It infact was. As you head out with her to her car you can help the butterflies at everything you're thinking right now. As you get in the passenger's seat, she wastes no time into kissing you, grabbing your face to bring you closer to her. Melting into it almost immediately, gaining that slight confidence and boldness back by situating yourself on her lap. Her hands roam your body, touching your waist, hips, sides. Even a cheeky little touch on your breasts every now and then. She guides her beautifully tattooed arms up your body yet again.

Sliding them under your shirt letting them rest over your bra. She pulls away from the kiss. "Can I take these off?" You bite your lip, nodding nonetheless. She swiftly does so, letting your tits spill out. She keeps eye contact with you, going to wrap her hands around them, lightly squeezing. Miko wraps her lips around one, sucking hard. Her hands held onto your back as she did so. You let your head fall back as she gently bites your nipple. Letting out breaths, even hearing a small noise emerge from her lips letting it vibrate slightly around you, as you put your hands in her soft hair. "Mmmm, please-" You purr out, wanting more and more of this. Of her. It was intoxicating by the minute making you more needy for her. She pulls away just admiring the slight purple tinge to your breast. She had sucked so hard it literally started to form a hickey. Her cockiness increasing at the sight.

You move your hands to her slightly toned arms, feeling the slight dents of muscle that formed in them. Admiring every tattoo on her. She gently moves your hips on her lap, feeling the friction of her thighs against you. You whine desperately wanting to feel so much more. "Patience Mami." She looks directly at you as she says that. You could feel yourself getting wetter at the name. "You wanna know something." You hum as she says that, her voice husky and lustful. "The oh so amazing thing that you're currently desperate for. Matches my microphone." She whispers in your ear. Sending cold shivers down your spine, her warm breath didn't change that it just made you colder, shakier, with need. She gets you to take off your jeans, but keeping on your black lace underwear. Guess she liked that.. Alot. You move your hands so that they're rested above her jeans. Letting them hook around her belt slightly. "Why don't you take them off for me." She looks at you, leaning back into the seat, and putting her arms behind her head.

You bite your lip a little harder this time, feeling your panties pool at this point. You do as told, unlooping the belt and sliding it out from its space in her jeans. You let it go into the backseat, discarding it for now. She doesn't budge, nor say anything. Keeping her eyes on you. You knew what was going on in her brain, she was filthy. She wanted to watch you do this all on your own, didn't she? You go to unzip them, sliding them down enough to get what you were after out, giving a quick glance and the band on her boxers, but immediately paying attention to the gold. And she wasn't lying. There it was, the rainbow strap. You could've sworn there was drool gathering at the corner of your lips, the thought of her sitting there, watching as you basically fuck yourself on it got you even more aroused.

Grabbing it slowly, positioning it at your entrance. Moving the fabric out of the way. "Rip them off." She suddenly says, eyes growing dark as she watches you. Your eyes go wide. "I'll buy you new ones." She subtly winks at you. You smirk at her, ripping the thin material in half, discarding that to the backseat also. "Good girl." That made you desperately claw for the strap, wanting nothing more then to be full of her. You begin to sink down on it, letting your mouth hang open at the delicious feeling. She continues to watch. Watching your facial features every time you'd move. Every little noise you made. She was stunned by you, how beautiful you were, how drawn she was to you. Keeping her arms behind her head just relaxing. She never takes her eyes off of you, only on occasion to watch as the strap dissappears inside of you. You couldn't help but let out a moan, feeling your breaths pick up.

She doesn't necessarily agree with the pace you're going at, so she begins to fuck up into you, making you latch onto the shoulders of the seat. Having your mouth slightly drop at the feeling. "Miko.." You whine out enjoying this so much. "Hm? Enjoying this. I bet you do, don't you?" You nod vigorously. "You're a slut huh.. letting me watch you fuck yourself on me. How very filthy." You bite your lip again, so much that it draws a little blood. The taste was irony, and bitter. You couldn't care less though. Miko leans forward, bringing her lips to your neck as you keep moving yourself on her. She sucks hard, loving how your tits had looked before. Wanting to mark a more visible area next. She moves the kisses from your neck, to your plump, slightly red lips.

She tasted the tiny bit of blood, making herself go crazy at everything that was happening. She grunts quietly into your mouth, moving her hands so they rested on your hips. "Gonna cum for me?" You lazily nod, feeling fucked out and tired. "Go on, I know you can. Make every director that's still in that building know, how good you're being fucked right now." That alone sent you overboard, feeling the knot tighten at her beautiful voice. You were inlove with it, scratchy but yet so pretty. She goes to your neck again, leaving kisses and a few hums, leading up to your ear again. She could tell you loved her voice, it's as if she could truly feel you clenching around her. "Mmm that's it Mamacita." She nibbles. "Cum all over me." And just like that, you did. Feeling yourself gush over her strap, letting your body fall into her touch and resting your head in her neck. You felt completely fucked out, letting out breaths as she gently rubbed your back.

"Im telling my team that you're gunna be in all of my upcoming music videos." You let a smile spread across your face. "How's that sound, film wife?" You close your eyes. "Just perfect."

[loving-azerath]

i usually like hiding in anonland but here i am! would love headcanons about tf 141 (and maybe könig) preparing to propose and like how they'd do it! maybe show or describe the rings too 😌💕

i've been craving ghost, könig, and gaz content but whatever you're most comfortable writing!

Oh BOY did you go to the right writer for this LMAO

So Captain Price, he is old fashioned. He knew after a year or so of dating. He would...if you have a father or a good relationship with him (Lets be honest if you like Captain price that isn't likely) he would ask him for your hand. He would probably keep it a secret from everyone. Not risking his team accidentally letting it slip to you. He would also listen to you I think. He would enjoy prying the information on how you want to be proposed to. "Could ever see yourself being on the big screen of one of those? Askin' to be make a man's dreams come true?" He would ask, as you watch kisscams on your phone. You would tell him, if you want it private or not and he would commit to memory. You would never see it coming and it would be everything. When you say yes he would smoke a cigar to celebrate and ask you to make a facebook post because he doesn't want to mess up the announcement.

Simon Ghost Daddy Riley, he isn't one for a lot of attention and he probably also didn't think he would find someone to marry. So he would get the ring, with the help of at least one trusted person. He would ask them to make sure your nails are done or that you are in the perfect mood just to make sure nothing goes wrong. He would probably doing it in the most intimate setting. Between the sheets? Maybe. In his car after a long drive? Maybe. Would he watch you cooking breakfast for them, and not be able to contain himself anymore? Getting on his knees behind you and grabbing your hand. Yes. Omg. When you say yes, he would shower you in praise about what a beautiful bride you will be. How much he can't wait for you to be his wife. The sex though? More possessive. You are his future Wife now. New kinks unlocked for this man for sure.

Johnny Soap MacTavish, this man is too proud to do it quietly. He wants everyone to hear you say yes to him. He would do it in a pub, or in front of the team. Two drinks in for courage. He would have gotten the ring like six weeks after dating. Knowing you were the one almost as soon as you flashed him the right smile after a horrible joke. Now here he is in the pub, his friends hooting and hollaring while he gets down on his knee and asks you. When you say yes the drinks that are practically thrown in the air. He would lift you for sure, spinning you around and kissing you (might be turning into a soap girly)

Kyle 'Gaz' Garrick, let me tell you right now this cheeky little shit. Knew you would say yes. Had the ring on him at all times and would take pictures of it near you while you were looking for at least two months until you finally catch him at breakfast. He would sit there with a SHIT EATING GRIN and say something like "Bout time, love. Startin to think you lacked complete situational awareess" He also knew you were the one after 6 months when you don't hate him for being deployed. and Fuck him like a whore when he gets back (might be turning into a Gaz girl too...fuck)

Konig, my sweet sweet Schatz. He got the ring, but holds onto it for a LONG TIME. He is SCARED. Now he is a confident man in a lot of ways. In his skills, his size, his rank. He knows his shit and he knows it. However, you are his weakspot. Disappointing you is something that would kill this man. So he would spend months and months planning and making sure everything is perfect. Most likely a romantic dinner, private so he can remove his hood. SO you can see his whole face as he asks you. He would be shaking and when you say yes he has to ask "ReallY?" A couple times before getting a little too excited and scooping you up. Ya'll have the nastiest sex after too...

[deadkidcourt]

deadkidcourt : our tale of system discovery

I've always been scared of being publicly out about my system, more posts i see from other systems has given me some courage. i like being able to see those posts and see our system or aspects of us in them. I've never publicly spoke of my diagnosis being scared that when people find out that I'm not medically recognized that the fakeclaiming will become really bad. i already deal with so much denial of my own that I've been so scared of rejection from other systems.

we have done extensive research, we have always been very self aware and would never self diagnose without a fuck-ton of research to back it up. we'd always felt like multiple people but not in the way we feel like it now. we'd always been kind of name fluid, loving trying on different names and pronouns. i thought for a long time that, that's how multi-gendered and people who used xenogenders felt.

as time went on, we would have phases feeling girly, wanting a hyperfem gender presentation, and then we would flip 100% and get highly upset even being thought of a girl. even as a child i would act completely different to how i was, and my parents would get highly upset because they felt they didn't know me. saying things like you're acting like a completely different person, but in those times i would get really sad because i was just acting how i felt.

i would often be told i was lying, because one day I'd really like something and the next i hate it with everything in me. people thought i was faking my personality to fit in, but i was just that different. as a teenager i learned about osddid but thought, oh that can't be me! I remember all my trauma! I'm just me! until i met a friend who was a system and learned that alot of how we felt and the things we did were not that of a singlet. that was in 2019, we questioned for a year and thought we were just making things up for attention and to seem interesting (it's not for attention if you're doing it when you're alone.)

i have known about maladaptive daydreaming since i was a child, it was what saved me from most of my trauma. being able to escape to a fake world, but the ‘characters’ didn't change, at least not three of them. we would have random fictional characters show up to, that we would then have a high identity kin with and could never understand why other people didn't connect with characters like that.

one was a girl that always got mad when i was hurting, i thought she was an imaginary friend. someone my brain created to help me feel better about my situation, and then when i was about nine. she would start taking over my body, fighting with our parents when they would act wrong, but after that i would be in control again scared of the repercussions of her actions. this continued for years, i thought everyone made up people in their head to help them and protect them. that's not the case.

in 2021 (roughly) we became highly obsessed with fnaf, circus baby in particular. so much so, we couldn't befriend people online with her as a profile picture. this got bad enough that when a close friend set her discord avatar as glam rock baby (fan design), we had a full breakdown.

all we could think and feel is, that is me, i am that person you cant use that picture thats me and youre not me stop stop stop. our husband has to talk us down, and we kindly asked the friend to not use that character because of the distress we felt about it. we thought that was fictionkin, but it was so distressing and upsetting we had a weeklong disassociative episode and i thought that was just normal. we know now about pur circus baby fictive and have done work to source seperate so as to not have breakdowns and episodes like that again.

now, here's where things get tricky because the memory isn't really there. but from them until this year we fought with ourselves about our self diagnosis, always discrediting our trauma, and symptoms. it wasn't until we told our husband about all of our trauma that he helped us understand how drastic that was especially to a child's mind.

then we started researching, we researched off an on for three years. sometimes noting some people in our brain that we met, but it didn't work because we weren't ready to come to terms with it. the denial was ao bad.

in january of 2024, we had what i know now as a frontstuck host that finally got unstuck and everything started to fall into place for us. we were able to integrate and lose some of our amnesia barriers and i was able to meet some of our alters. it was helpful that our husband was around, because he was able to notice symptoms and changes in our prescence that we couldn't see.

he was able to differentiate between the main four frequent fronters we had at the time and was very patient with us and did research of his own to help us. we tried keeping a notebook, able to see differences in our handwriting and vocabulary choices. the way we dress would change, one loves all dark big clothing while another alter loves showing skin with pastel colors, and another one that just wants to be comfortable. small things like that made it easy to start to see the patterns in our switching. and with learning more, i realized my amnesia is not as cut and dry as i thought it would be. i can remember the bad things but not last week, or last month or yesterday.

there's only ever been one part of our system that we can't seem to wrap our head around. our splitting patterns, and fusing patterns. we have decently good communication, very low amnesia barriers between switching, and i have low access to innerworld. that was all great, but then we started splitting alot, or discovering alot of alters. there would be like 5 alters and 15 fragments and as time went on, i noticed how easily we split fictive fragments and those fragments (usually 2-4 of them) would fuse to make a whole alter. but that alter would have several sources, that always made us feel like we were wrong or perhaps that our system has lied to us. either of which could be true, we don't really care. we just try to take care of ourselves and we try to welcome any newbies to our headspace as gently as we can. we had incorrectly thought that introjects had to have one source, and that set us back on our healing alot. that and we tend to fuse semi-easily and thought we we're lying about our system because of that.

now we just take everything one step at a time, try to meet new alters and talk to them while not forcing it a whole lot. i hope our journey can help you. I'm not the most educated person (i try tho!) so please if I'm wrong about something or something let me know, KINDLY.

- ronnie 💣 and remi 🦨

[toomuchracket]

thinking about birthday party or d word girlies parents going to a show in her hometown and it being very sweet and domestic, girlie showing him around and him going to her childhood home. and maybe matty gets a moment alone with them to be like “i really love your daughter.” and kind of asking for their blessing (even if it’s not till a few years later, he just wants to cover all bases and make sure they know how serious he is lol)

oh this is very adorable. birthday party suits this one best, i think, and i'm seeing it as being a festival show for some reason? it's a given that you'll be there, but matty's like "hey, babe, what if we invited your family too? means you get to spend a bit more time with them that weekend, yeah?" - you're like "yeah, they'll like that. they'll be quite touched that you asked, i think", and your mum proves you right by going "yes, we'll go! oh, christ, what am i going to wear?" when you ask her lol. your parents are genuinely in their element backstage at the festival, mingling with singers they like and drinking and laughing and hyping you up to literally everyone they talk to; the latter thing mortifies you to no end, but matty thinks it's adorable and "valid", (then again he does it too). he fucking loves your parents, and they love him too, which is such a relief to matty because he was so worried about that before he met them, bless him. the show itself is also a worry, but it goes really well - your family dance along at the side of the stage (your mum turns to you after if you're too shy and goes "wow, look at him - i get it, honey, i really do", and your dad just nods in agreement lmfao, which is all genuinely hilarious), and they smile and squeeze you when matty does a little speech about "this is maybe my favourite city in the world. i mean, every gig we do here is amazing, but what's even better is that it's the place that gave me - and the world, but mostly me - my gorgeous girlfriend. yeah, applaud, she deserves it! i love her, so much, and actually... i've been in love with her for ages" before going into (you guessed it) m&yts. it's a great day, and you all stay in a hotel that night before driving back to your parents' house the next day; matty looks at you lovingly and laughs as you point out notable places and things from the car and scowl at your dad's sarcastic interjections. the laughter continues during lunch, where your mum brings out the box of old pictures and stories you wrote at school, and matty kisses your hair and coos over how cute you were "and are, obvs". there's just so much love in the house, only emphasised when you go up to wash your hair and matty quietly says "i really, really love your daughter. more than anything. she's the one, definitely - i'd like to spend the rest of my life with her" - your dad hugs him like "i think she feels the same way about you, son. thank you for making her so happy", and your mum joins in on the hug too. he still asks for their blessing a couple of years later when he decides to propose, but from that first time at their house it's clear that they approve wholeheartedly of the two of you. sweet <3

[orchideous-nox]

What are some of your favourite Dorcas headcanons???

I am developing my Dorcas headcanons as we speak, so bear with me!

I think Dorcas is such a London girlie, however, I don't think she's always been a London girlie. I hc that she grew up with Barty in Liverpool but when she was 12 her family moved down to London which is where she really found herself. They stayed close though because they were at Hogwarts together. I think Dorcas was an only child so Barty was the closest she had to a sibling, and the same for Barty.

I've mentioned that everyone thinks Dorcas hates them, I think she has a serious case of RBF and talks very monotone, so people thing she's just really fed up or bored of them. She likes her quiet when she's studying so takes herself away from the Slytherin common room when she's doing homework and sometimes Regulus joins her. However, she is just as capable of being a menace and joining in with shenanigans because she grew up with Barty. When she meets Marlene, however, and the boys start showing signs of joining the DE's, she distances herself from that stuff, hence why she ends up in the Order.

I think because of the time and the zeitgeist of the UK during the Marauder's era, it's impossible to ignore things like racism, and especially because I can vibe with the hc that Dorcas is trans, I think she struggles a lot with her identity, especially her blackness. The first time she goes to Marlene's dorm to hang out, Mary is there. At first they clash, Mary is very vocal about disliking Slytherins and she's passionate and excitable (the opposite of Dorcas, who is very calm and level-headed) and when she warms up to Dorcas, she can be physical (I will save more Mary headcanons for another time) with her friends and Dorcas doesn't know how to feel about this. Dorcas has always shown affection through words and other actions, but she warms up to Mary and they find solace in their friendship.

DORLENE!! I think Marlene brings out confidence in Dorcas. Whilst she is used to the big personality of Barty, Marlene is different because they leave room for Dorcas rather than taking front and centre. Marlene and Dorcas have a quiet but strong love. She tones Marlene down and Marlene hypes her up so I think they're a really good balance. I spoke a little about how they got together here in my Marlene headcanons!!

In a modern setting, I said Dorcas would be an it-girl and I stand by that. She's still very reserved but Marlene (who takes all her pictures for the gram) hypes her up and takes all the attention. Marls will shout something really stupid before taking the photo so people aren't looking as much as Dorcas, and also because it makes her laugh. Dorcas would love Rina Sawayama which I said in my other headcanons post here and I think her go-to karaoke song would be That Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain. That is her ANTHEM.

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to work on my Dorcas headcanons!! < 3

[blurredcolour]

Okayokayokay, now that I've digested and reread the chapter approximately 5000 times, I'm ready to talk about it.

PART 6 WAS PERFECT AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS OVER CRIES IN TRUST SERIES

I can't even imagine how jarring it must have been to the reader to be back stateside after years in the war effort. And so suddenly too. One day you're sitting in briefing, discussing war strategies, and the next you're helping your mom grow cucumbers. Literally, how do you even cope with that?

I love that reader is keeping up with her knitting though 🥰🥰 Very insensitive of Zig Zig to be born in the summer and making her mom wait six months before she starts using the warmer wool garments smh.

I KNEW HER FATHER WAS BUILDING A NURSERY IMMEDIATELY!! A little project to distract him from the loss of his son and the impending arrival of his granddaughter. Love that for him. Also, I just know that he narrowed his eyes every time he saw Bucky's portrait in Clara's room like "your days are numbered if you don't do the right thing, Major >.>"

As usual, the letters were perfect. "Please let her know I'm thinking about her" aka not Bucky already wanting to make a good impression on the in-laws. "All sorts of baby animals" & "some have theirs in the summer" aka the army is so lucky these two are not codebreakers, they are so bad at this LMFAO. Alan Turing would have been in tears if they had been assigned to his team at Bletchley Park. And reader underlining "safely" in her letter? Please, she knows him so well. And him wanting to know how SHE is like stop, I love them. ALSO "film has always failed to properly capture the radiance of the sun" aka the moment I ✨ died ✨

And I love love love how reader keeps him informed of how his team is doing in the MLB. This is true love, people.

But let's take a moment to thank modern technology because like, six weeks to get a letter?? Letters are romantic, sure, but I don't know how these people cope with living in this Schrodinger's Cat situation. Couldn't be me.

Baby Clara "Zig Zig" Mae Egan, a trailblazer from birth. One of the first GI Bill babies? Please, this girl is set to conquer the entire world while her parents clap and encourage her in the background. I love how reader only sees Bucky in her because I BET that aside from the "Dumbo ears", Bucky only sees reader in Clara. I love this little family so much.

AND WE WERE BLESSED BY A BUCKY POV MOMENT AGAIN, THANK YOOOOOOU!! I just know Bucky went around camp showing everyone the pictures and the footprints like "this is my famous doll and this is our perfect daughter." And the pictures were always in his pocket for the harder times at camp. He also immediately went to Alexander in "draw me like one of you French girls" fashion. Poor guy thought Bucky was going to ask for a map of all the guard towers in the stalag, but nope. He needed a portrait to send back home to his girls.

A round of applause to Buck who apparently has a gift to scare reader shitless at any opportunity. Girlie for sure complains about this to Marge, who finds it utterly hilarious.

I have no words for them seeing each other again after almost two years. It was so sweet, and so tender, and sooo perfect.

But honestly reader's family is soooooo unserious. I died when they were like "Bucky can't sleep on the sofa, he doesn't fit there" like, babes, what are you talking about?? I thought y'all would say he couldn't take the sofa because he just escaped The Horrors™️. "He's simply too long" like dndiashdisohdio

BABY EGEN #2 WAS MADE THAT NIGHT ON READER'S CHILDHOOD BED THIS IS CANON.

I hope that morning reader pulled her little baby album and showed Bucky all she documented from the first months of Clara's life. And my headcannon is that Bucky planned Clara's first birthday party himself to make up for the time he lost in a way. Called Buck like "you and Marge have plans for the 22nd. If that's the day of your wedding, postpone. The fact that you haven't come meet my kid yet is frankly insulting. See you soon, bye." And just like me, Clara will take her first steps on the day of her first birthday, I'm speaking it into existence.

I love how reader and Marge started a friendship already. How did they find each other? And the other girls (Vi, Mary, Beth, and Myrtle)?? Has reader told them all about little Clara too?

And as I told you in the DMs yesterday, baby Clara will be the star of Buck and Marge's wedding. All the guys that were in the stalag with them will act like they're meeting a celebrity as a way to poke fun at Bucky for always showing them her picture.

I loved this series so much (will soon reblog all the parts to my sideblog, so warning for notifs lol). Thank you for sharing it with us ❤️❤️ I'm keeping my eyes peeled for that POW Camp fic you teased 👀

Beatrizzzzz your incredible asks are one of my favourite parts of posting a chapter hahahah

But honestly I cannot imagine the whiplash our dear reader went through after her ‘medical evacuation’?!

Like she’d never even been on a plan before and all of a suddenly she’s flung across the world in roughly one day, ripped out of Wycombe Abbey and plonked down into her childhood home to do quaint home front things and gestate her baby - incomprehensible.

Hahahaha I mean Clara didn’t really get to pick her due date, that was definitely Bucky and the readers doing 👀 but yes! So many baby things were knit! And skills were perfected!

I adore the thought of reader’s dad threatening Bucky’s portrait 😂 totally tracks with her fear that he might murder the man in the tool shed

I’m SO PLEASED you loved their letters - they were the first things I wrote in this part hahah

Wrote the narrative around them. But yeaaaaaah subtle as a heart attack these two. And she really really really didn’t want Buck to write her and say “your boy got shot running away to see you” hence all the underlining.

Of course we needed a Bucky POV the instant that reader finally came clean and laid all her cards on the table! Absolutely required!!

Poor Buck really means well he just doesn’t really know how to go about sharing news without almost making her heart stop first 🤣 never gonna live it down

Hahahahahha reader’s parents are practical people ok?! Boy showed up unannounced typically that means he gets the couch. They don’t really get what he’s been through, it’s all so removed for them - but he got a bed anyway!!! And his doll for a pillow 😏

You bet there’s another baby in that oven, honestly I think reader is gonna have a hard time NOT conceiving…her poor body

That baby book is definitely thoroughly combed through once Clara is taking her nap that day don’t you worry

And Bucky will refer back to it frequently when he finds sleep difficult to hold onto in the nights to come

The birthday party, the wedding, all very big events all within days of each other down in Texas

Reader and Marge’s friendship is based on an ask where she probably got Buck to forward reader’s address and they get along like a house on fire. Reader definitely has a wide circle of friends to send letters to including Ruth, Vi, Mary, and even Myrtle who might be opening her heart to a handsome RAF man.

And most definitely little Clara is the most popular girl at Marge and Buck’s wedding but thankfully Marge is kind hearted about being upstaged by a precocious one year old.

It has been such a joy to share this story with you all and honestly?! Already up to my eyeballs in research for the next fic!!!!

[tickledpink31]

Coming off from my previous ask, imagine the Twst boys and staff surprised when they're invited to a concert of "Twisted Wonderland Six the Musical edition" of Minako and her relatives singing with the ghosts of their 9-times great Grandmothers/Ancestors, who sre literal forgotten historical figures just jamming out songs like theirs no tommorow

Lilia and Crowley are like: (⊙_☉) Minty? (they mean Minuette) Nelly? (they mean Ornella) You're alive?!

Everyone else is a little confused. Who are these women? Why do I feel like I've seen two of them in old pictures before? And why does one of them look so much like Minako?

The confused lot includes Malleus (invited to an event, yay!) who is canonically 178 years old and is not old enough to remember the Moseleys. However, the bedtime stories that Lilia has been telling him about mice and rabbits are coming back.

Aside from the confusion though, NRC is really digging Six the Musical. Minako looks great dancing in her green Anne Boleyn outfit.

Leona is awake out of respect for Minako and her relatives(?) onstage. He may look bored, but really he's thinking, "This Henry VIII dude sounds like he should get beheaded." Ruggie and Jack are cheering like, "yeah, stick it to that asshole. Go queens!"

Light Music Club members are cheering with glow sticks and singing along. They're the rowdiest audience, members. You'll find Kalim, Cater, and Lilia begging Minako to perform covers with them for the songs.

Vil is quite fond of the production (if you could call it that) altogether. He can tell that whoever the was lyricist was had fun writing the songs. He can behind Minako's energy in "Don't Lose Your Head" and manic characterization of Anne. Who knew that that girl could act and sing? He'll be convincing her to come to the Film Studies Club after the performance is done.

Unsurprisingly, Rook "Beauté! 100 points!" Hunt is a fan. He loves "Haus of Holbein" the most. He's probably into learning about weird and deadly beauty trends of the past.

Epel tries so hard to not like something so girly, but it's so catchy that he starts tapping his foot and eventually gives in to cheer along to the songs.

Crewel is like, "Where did Minako get those costumes, and how do I make one?" Mozus doesn't like pop music too much, but he likes the historical aspect of the musical. Ashton quite likes the music and asks Minako to help him download the songs on his playlist for his workout routine. Sam makes a profit by having bootleg videos of the show for sale, like one of those illegally recorded Broadway shows, and they sell out within a couple of hours.

[therhythmafterthesummer]

(Strap in, this might get long🥲 I'm a rambler 🫶🏼)

I just read "Heat" and can those two get ANY cuter???😍💓 Thanks for explaining their names and as long as you want to do the glossery I'd 100% read it! I absolutely LOVE the WereRoomies girlies and I'd love to get to know more about them! Especially Moss and Autumn!

I get what you mean about Changbin and Autumn literally just being fine and doing well together😭✨ They're literally so so so cute! I also wish for their eternal happiness🤧 But I'm sure their playful banter and relationship dynamic as an Alpha with Omega Tendencies and vice versa would make for some very funny and cavity inducing stories!😂💖

Did you write anything about how the rest of the pack reacted to Changbin being marked by Autumn instead of the other way around?

Was Changbin nervous after knowing the pack, minus Chan, would now know of his Omega Tendencies? How did he go about it? How did the pack react to it?

Sorry if these seem like obvious questions😭 I've only read those 2 Changbin Instalments and maybe 2 or 3 Minho instalments (That I might re-read🤭) I can't remember (I'd been on your blog for awhile I just never spoke, I was to afraid to cause I didn't understand much🥲💔) roughly the same amount of Chris instalments and the Hyunlix instalment🥹

If the pack was really shocked by the new info I can picture them turning to Chan after realizing he seemed unfazed and he'd just be like "Yeah I knew" *Shrug* and go back to playing with Pretty's thighs, which he 100% was already doing😂

This took place before Moss arrived right? After she got was introduced and found out about Changbin and Autumns dynamic, how did they react? Btw I LOVE LOVE LOVE Moss🥹Not more than Hyun and Lix do but I ADORE them seriously!!! They're so amazing and so cool and I kinda wanna see them take care of Lix and Hyun some more🤧✨ Only whenever you're ready tho!

Literally trembling with excitement for the Jisung and Seungmin Instalments! You? Writing about 2 of my biases? After I was already blessed with the Hyunlix combo, my other 2 biases?? You're a god send and I may or may not worship the little lizard in your brain🛐✨

- 🦁

hehehe i'm glad you liked heat 🥰 writing changbin in those.... situations was just a lot of fun. can't wait to read your thoughts on "The Love I Always Dreamt Of" 👀

i'm hoping i'll be able to get to seungmin's and jisung's stories soon sjkdfhsdkjf

i don't recall ever writing about after the pack finding out about Changbin's tendencies and/or mark :O i have a vague idea that i might've talked about it in an ask but i could be remembering wrong.... but anyway, i'll leave some thoughts under the cut!

i think Changbin's tendencies were very obvious to everyone in the pack, even if no one explicitly said anything. they kind of just... accepted Changbin as he was. that's Chris' pack philosophy, after all. to have a safe space, y'know?

with that being said, i have a feeling that the majority of the pack wouldn't really be surprised by autumn marking Changbin. mostly because, by that point they had been together for a while, and i'm sure their dynamic is more than obvious to anyone that takes a good look at them sdkjhfskjdf. i like to think that Changbin wears his mating mark proudly.

maybe he waited until all pack members were sitting together and randomly went "EVERYONE. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY..." and showed the mark hahaha Autumn would blush, and everyone would mostly just congratulate them.

i'm sure more than one was super shocked that an omega could mark anyone at all, and if they inquired about it Autumn would've been just like "idk i just... did it".

Moss would absolutely love seeing their dynamic, btw. i'm sure she almost had stars in their eyes when she first saw them interacting with each other and when she was the mark. Moss is all about being unconventional, so i feel like they would engage both Changbin and Autumn to ask them about it.

my brain is a bit fried rn so this is all i can come up with, but i'll take it into account for a possible future instalment 👀 or one of those fluffy drabbles we've been talking about~

[trayoftrinkets]

Trying to put into words certain thoughts about media consumption that has been floating around in my brain for quite some time now.

So... I think I can finally conclude that I am not cut out to watch dramas as they air.

I'm more of a binge-watch or watch three episodes a day kinda girly. Now, I did grow up watching telenovelas but maybe I got too much into movies or short form content or got too used to bingeing that I really cannot wait an entire week to watch the next episode. One reason for this is that I don't like losing continuity in my watching experience. I need that flow that bingeing offers.

I'd possibly be in an entirely different headspace by the time a week has passed which really disrupts my line of thought. I now understand that it is easier for some people to pick it back up after a week, but not for me.. it's really kinda hard. And once I've lost that continuity, it is quite hard for me to get back into it. Idek if this makes sense but that's how my brain works. For me, this has always been something obvious and thought it was like that for everyone but it doesn't work like that for many, I've realized.

Also , I think I need a sufficient amount of information to form opinions. I am a bit slow, and I have one too many questions than I have finalised observations. So, it's all half-baked opinions that drastically change over the course of my watching experience, and I refuse to ponder upon them for too long if they lack substance or does not appeal to me that much. I'm more focused on my final thoughts than the initial ones (though I do think it is interesting to note how your thinking process evolved over the course of the drama).

Also, I hate jumping to conclusions, and trying to predict what is going to happen next (but like, of course, I'll have a rough idea in my head but I won't think too much about it because I like learning things as they unfold, it gives me a sense of excitement to see the pieces fall into place on their own - AND THIS IS EASIER WHEN YOU'RE BINGEING SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU GET THE ANSWERS ALMOST IMMEDIATELY and won't keep you guessing), because personally, for me, that would make me quite biased. And I'm afraid I'd end up disappointed if the expectations in my head are not in line with what happens in reality. So, to be as objective as possible, I tend to remain as detached as possible. This is also one reason I do not even read reviews until I have completed watching/reading something. I'm easily influenceable, lol. And I leave that power to my closest oomfs.

And for me, personally, the important part is listening, in entirety (from beginning to the end), to what the Creators have to say before forming my own personal opinions. There is a story that is being told to me and I can hear that story in two ways: as it was intended by the storytellers, and my personal interpretation of the story. I feel like I need to find the perfect balance between the two to be able to come to a proper understanding. Therefore, I like watching things as they unfold, and I need the bigger picture, the final ending before I can say anything.

AND THAT SUCKS SO MUCH because I love interacting with fandoms and discussing stuff with people. I love reading theories, even though I try not to get invested too much. It is so sad that a show and its fandom is the most alive when it is airing but I won't be able to partake in any activities because my brain is built different, and my habits are not very flexible. I hope I can find a middle ground for this. I guess, this is one of the reason that I prefer Danmei fandoms over BL fandoms. Because people move onto the next show pretty quickly, but in case of danmei, the brainrot is often perpetual and ever-present.

[nanno-arts]

ppl that willingly looked at the crime scene pictures are weirdos

tw. just true crime, death stuff

i love my true crime girlies, i love true crime, but sometimes y'all do too much. (not everyone though)

seeing so much dark stuff in our TV screens and cellphones has somewhat desensitized us. and a great example of that is when the pictures of Gypsy-Rose Blanchard's crime scene pictures went viral.

everyone and their momma wanted a peek. but it turns disgusting when people start to consider Dee's death as entertainment. and that's what it is, entertainment to you.

"But forensic specialists and doctors see gore all the time" I've seen these comments all the time. But the simple fact is these specialists look at graphic images to save lives, solve crimes, while you look at it because you are bored and home alone on a Saturday night.

You don't contribute anything meaningful by looking, in fact, you'll forget it, as if it didn't even matter. as if a living breathing human life wasn't just taken.

Chances are you want to see it to sedate your curiosity, wondering how you will feel. Will you be scared? Or will you not react at all?

In fact, what makes you better than the average viewer on the blackweb that watches torture for fun. Both of you are looking at a dead corpse, there is no difference.

You think just because Dee is abusive that you can just compare her body to others and say, "I've seen worse". But that too is vile, disgusting behavior. At the end the day comparing the deaths of different people is disgusting and dehumanizing.

Plenty of people that consume true crime have lost all forms of human decency.

"Humans are just curious," another horrible excuse. Humans have choices, you can choose to partake on an activity, or choose not to. You already knew what happened to her, what's the point in looking.

There's always an 'I' with these people. 'What about me?' Even with the latest Jeffrey Dahmer Netflix series people acted entitled. As if they are owed these gruesome stories. "Well I like watching series so this show should have been made" or "actually new ones should be made for the future generations to know".

Just shows how much these people care about the trauma these families go through. families living through this again and again. How did the families of the victims of Dahmer feel? Nobody cares.

How does Gypsy feel about those images resurfacing? Nobody cares.

How does her father and other family members feel? Nobody thinks about that.

Nobody cares.

[xoteajays]

The one thing I can appreciate how the death of Lee's wife is that you never seen the pregnant woman being killed on screen, but just those thoughts that someone would kill women and children is horrific for a reason as payback. So brutally murdering any pregnant woman is the most horrific scenario you can imagine. And I'm really saying this as a person who doesn't like children. Killing children is the worst scenario to happen. So you know Myeong and Inbeon are those types of men.

But I can see the actor of Myeong is a wonderful villain, even though I hate his character. Like.. I love to hate his character type of character.

I used to read manga and I've never read webtoon comics, but maybe I should start again.. Read the mangas that are different from animes. Same with webtoon comics. Most of the Korean shows, usually those are shows, that I enjoy are based around webtoon comics. Especially! Especially if there is a chance the story, even some of the plot, for the Bloodhounds is difference between the comic and show. Not only for my curiosity. But to see what I might keep or remove for my BH story.

And.. As for spoilers. I wasn't intentionally spoiling you. There was the article mentioning the differences between the ending for the comics and show. I'll mention it again when you finish watching the show.

This is why I'm so angry about Ju's actor. If they had to rewrite those last two, maybe three, episodes.. I'm curious about different the plots would have been. And who knows about any more seasons either.

~

Besides anime. This is why I prefer Asian shows and movies over a lot of American media. Most of the time American media is just remakes of foreign media anyway. Like how Shameless was originally a British show before recreating it into an American show. Ew. Most American is unoriginal, boring, annoying, anything and everything I can think of that's negative. Asian media has better everything - plot, story, actors and even music too. Like.. A few years ago when Train To Busan came out, I remember someone mentioned an American version. Just no.

~

Maybe I should send some pictures later? At least the picture of how Takanori looks in those red clothes. That did gave me Daruma vibes.

Like the closets to vibes, for any certain styles, is watching the music videos. Like Keiji's style in One Time One Life is a favorite style for me in some of the videos I've seen. And I also liked everyone's style in the Higher Grounds music video, along with many different styles too.

~

I know what you mean.. People think girls can't be fighters, at least in a girly girls in the most feminine way type of girl. Kuina's an example.

Basically every time I create a female fighter, especially every smaller female character, "Character wanted her to be able to protect herself in a fight, for protection, for self defense." That's usually my reason.

I had figured out how my characters would fit into the actual plots yet though.. If she's a childhood friend to one of the boys, could she be at the boxing tournament? The restaurant? If she's childhood with Jin in this story, maybe she slept over Jin's place when Gun calls in the very next morning. Don't know yet. Many possibilities for this character.

Because that's the thing. You don't know much about Jin's past, or at the very least nothing about his family or other friends besides Gun.

Like you know he was a petty criminal before he went in the military, occasionally worked as bloodhound and loan shark for money during the times he didn't make money off boxing. And it was mentioned he met lots of people in the military would helped change his life around to be a better person. Before he met Gun, and became even better.

And that the lady who owns that very small restaurant is basically like family to him. But nothing much else is mentioned about Jin's past.

But if she's a childhood friend of Gun's. Gun-woo and his mother own a small café. Either they could be childhood friends since they were a young child, maybe they became friends if she worked at the café for a job or who knows what else scenario could happen between them.

I don't know.

I hate sneakers. I don't know why.. But maybe it's this autistic sensory for me. I think sneakers are too constricting for me. Yet I'd wear boots all the time, and I'd prefer flats over sneakers. It makes no sense at all for other people that I won't wear sneakers though. But that's just my reasons. I can walk better in flats and boots. But I never wear heels at all. No matter that high heeled shoes I'm wearing, I always twisted my ankle every time. Maybe heeled boots are fine. Maybe. But no heels.

And.. Yes. In most of the videos where she has background dancers, I noticed she gets picked up and carried around. She is only a hundred pounds, so it would be easier to having someone of her size around.

If I did the scenario where someone said that OC and Jin looked like a familial relation.. I guess it depends on how it was said? Or mentioned to them. Because if it was a situation like when Lee said it to Ju in the most joking way possible, then they might play along as a joke in very funny ways. But if it's a situation where they might argue about some things for whatever reason, then people just assume they're siblings.

Something like that. Maybe that could also be a reason why she dyes her hair, besides wanting to dye her hair different colors anyway. But! This is scenario would happen when Jin still has his curly brown hair.

And yes... Sangyi's 6'0 (183 cm), AleXa's only 4'11 (149 cm). Dohwan's 5'11 (180 cm). So that would be a funny scenario to compare them.

Possibly. If my AleXa character truly can't cook. That's a good thing to know Gun's mother could cook a whole extravagant meal that's really enough to feed an army (because of Gun and Jin). Gun and Jin seem, to me, that they can cook basic meals from what you seen in through the show. So if she's not eating healthy when they're not around to be able to cook for her. Either she may buy food from convenient stores, or eating fast food and takeout meals, or going to a restaurant to eat. But that also depends on her money though. Depends on what she is spending to eat. Or which places are open if written during pandemic is another reason too. So it depends on a lot of those situations.

Actually. That's another reason why I was curious about the comic.. In the comic, I don't think the pandemic happens. I don't know yet. But I was thinking about altering that part of the show. Maybe. Don't know yet. I'm not saying yes, but I'm not saying no either. Just I don't know.

~

Yeah! I forgot some names.. But yeah. I know the quiet hybrid girl just ends up living - that was the plot twist for the first season. The hybrid characters end up living because the parasite keeps evolving, and the same with the girl who was sexually abused - I think - since she never died yet either. And I know that bully guy bit the main boy before they fell over the building, being burned alive in the fire. Which does make me think of the quiet girl. The quiet girl survived the explosion. Would they mean the bully and (possibly) the main boy survives next season then? I'll rewatch that closer to when the new season is released then.

"Death for me." Why did I think of, "No soup for you." I don't know why that came to mind. But that's funny how I heard it sounding like that.

they cut the boys’ hair! i’m so upset. like they still look good, they look great but no! jin’s curls!! gun’s fringe in his face!! noooo!!

also i have one complaint: i wish jin’s scars were more visible. they’re very hard to see. gun’s scar is so clear that it feels like a rip to not make jin’s visible. you could argue jin just heals differently to gun, but ….. cmon. i kept pausing on his shirtless scenes to try and find them but they’re barely there.

also the drinking scene with gun was so funny. he’s just chugging and he’s barely even drunk at the end. jin’s just staring at him like ‘wtf?’.

oh i could absolutely not have handled seeing his wife killed. im also not a big fan of kids and dont ever want to be pregnant myself, but i also have a soft spot for pregnant women and kids and don’t want to see them injured or killed. it’s like, the one thing you don’t do.

myeong gil’s actor did an excellent job. he had the whole villain vibe down-pat.

i’m curious about what role ju would’ve had if she was still there. just how different were these episodes before the actress did what she did?

~

i’m mixed. i enjoy asian shows and american shows, it just takes me a while to find american shows that i enjoy because i’m not a huge fan of teen dramas - which is a lot of what western media is. i enjoy western crime shows, like veronica mars and leverage are two of my favourite shows that i rewatch a lot.

oh absolutely not. america would completely fuck up a train to busan remake. pretty sure america doesn’t even have a high speed rail system and also i wouldn’t want to watch an american version. the original version is excellent. and also the original has gong yoo and ma dong seok who are Literally Incredible.

~

i usually try and fit it my oc while i’m watching stuff. like sometimes i’ll just pause an episode and be like ‘where could i slot her in? what would she be doing here?’.

like in ep7, i can see her complaining about the alarm clock, training with her knives while the boys are lifting weights; she’d punch jae myeong for talking shit about her dad (even tho he didn’t know); idk that she’d drink with min beom and gang yong, but she’d probably give min beom medical advice the next morning since he was complaining about all his physical issues from stress over myeong gil.

since the boxing match seemed pretty closed off because of covid, maybe she was part-time working with one of the boys’ teams so she could be at the match? if she’s jin’s friend, does jin have another room or did she sleep on the couch or did they share the bed? if she’s jin’s friend, i could see her also being close with the spicy pork shop owner. like it’s ‘their place’ and they bring gun there because he’s their friend now.

jin is more of a closed book whereas a lot of gun’s past is put out there. like there’s a decent amount but it’s very basic information for jin.

if she’s gun’s friend, then his mother could view her as a daughter figure. they could’ve hung out a lot at the cafe. her working at the cafe is also a good idea. like su yeon hiring this girl and then she ends being close with gun. mum is matchmaking if you end up shipping them. and she also could’ve been there when the cafe was attacked and seen gun get his face cut up.

i love sneakers! i can’t stand anything with open toes, so i wear a lot of sneakers and low converse-style shoes. i own one or two pairs of boots but don’t often have a chance to wear them so they’re not really broken in; i don’t like having my ankles covered idk why. but yea, not a fan of heels or open-toed shoes.

i’ve been leaning towards blonde or blue hair for eun bi. or that silvery tone. so looks so good with all the colours she’s had tho. i love her red/orange/pink tones as well, but i’m feeling cooler toned hair for my oc.

they’re both so damn tall!

~

i was also wondering if gwinam and cheong san could’ve possibly survived. like i’m not overly hopeful since their deaths were this big end-of-season thing, but i’m curious. if gwinam doesn’t come back, i wonder who the new villain character will be. the zombies are like, an overall villain, but there needs to be a more specific one.

well my parents are big seinfeld fans, so it wouldn’t surprise me if some of their comedy rubbed off on me ashdjdlfl

[letters-between-friends]

soft september

Hi Ana,

Today I want to write you something different. I know we're both in places of longing at the moment, which I would love to blame on whatever retrograde astrology girlies are focusing on this month, but I think every emotion and craving we're currently feeling right now are purely reminders of our being human.

Let this be an exercise of vocalising things we want. This is a safe space. The world is a safe space. I don't know what happened that convinced us otherwise but I remember being so young and open to feeling. Open to just accepting love and care with open arms. Embracing everyone and anything that shows any interest and shares insights into our lives. This has never been limited to lovers. It was from every single person who wanted to be our friend, who wanted to get to know us, who wanted to spend time with us to connect and understand.

So today I choose to be honest about the things I want. I am in tears as I write this because this is one of those rare moments when my heart frees me from the emotional constipation.

#1 - I want clarity.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to go up to Ben and just tell him, what do you want from me? You're a decade older than me and I'm scared. We have been seeing each other for a little over three months now, talking for four (because I took my sweet time before meeting up with him) and I'm scared. I don't think he knows me well enough for labels but I have a feeling it would truly break me if months down the line, we figure out we're not even on the same page. I want to be able to see or not see B, N or even S with complete transparency, and knowing where I stand.

#2 - I want peace and security.

This one I try my hardest to keep. I want to be able to live freely without worries. Being an adult is hard. Being an adult completely independent is even harder. I am so grateful that I get to live in Australia separate from the burdens of being with my family, but it continues to give me such anxiety. Every single day I have to work hard and bet on myself, all chips in. I just need to keep going at it to have all the resources I need to survive and I will be able to reap the benefits of my hardships. I just need to be patient, while continuing to be strategic with my choices and actions.

#3 - I want to be rid of shame.

I need to be kinder to myself, especially because I know how much I do to advocate for my dreams and my needs - but some days, how difficult it is to be okay with where I am currently. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I truly feel so much shame as a 28-year-old who cannot drive, does not own property, has no partner, and a very uncertain future in Australia (with visa rules and guidelines always changing). I constantly need to remind myself of how far I've come instead of focusing on how much more I have to go, but it's not always easy. I associate so much shame in not achieving what I want in the timeframe I have set for myself, but if we're being honest - who even really cares about that? Why am I giving into societal pressures my high-achieving asian ass was conditioned to succumb to? My journey is mine and mine alone, and it can be however long or short it has to be. I try every single day - some days harder than others, but I try nonetheless. And there's no shame in that.

#4 - I want love.

Lastly, before my openness expires, I'll let you hear it here first. I want love. I am trying my best not to picture R when I talk about the l-word but the acceptance we had for each other was so deep, I can't help but look back at it. I have completely let go of that era, but I am also so thankful that it happened. Every single thing I went through with everyone I've ever loved in the past decade (and probably throughout my life) has created my concept and understanding of love, that today I can describe with full certainty the kind of love I want. I want a love that is certain of me, a love willing to grow with me and hold my hand throughout my journey, a love that keeps me accountable but also understands that some days I will be imperfect and not feel my best, or not make the best choices. I want a love filled with passion, but also with respect for the things that make me me, and the things that I advocate for. I want a love who believes in me and my goals and dreams... A love that hopes with me and works with me because we know tomorrow can be better. A love that can appreciate the present with me and look at the past with gratitude instead of longing and regret. A love willing to explore new things with me but also know when it's time to be still and rest. I want a love I am happy to choose, and that chooses me in return. And most of all, my deepest desire -- coming from a girl whose parents were completely wrong for each other -- I want a love that lasts.

What a time to be soft. Happy 1st of September.

Tabitha

[sixofpomegranates]

i am BEGGING for a plus size, anxious reader who is very much attracted to her BAU bestie spencer reid, but she's too scared he wouldn't like her bc of her weight n then one day penelope has everyone going out for drinks and reader decides to wear something more form fitting to get reids attention but is too trapped in her mind to function and spencer helps her feel better. essentially: spencer reid loves me through my daily panic attack

♞𝙿𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚢 𝙶𝚒𝚛𝚕♘

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Pluse-Size!Reader

A/N: I love this one. Talk about comfort. 🥺 Hope you like it! 💕

CW: slight angst, fluff, comfort | Mentions of Weight/unrequired love, insecurity about body, anxiety, pining, self-hate, misunderstanding,

**********

*picture does not describe the looks of the reader* **********

For all my life I've been plus-sized... Well, not for all my life. I started off as a child with a normal statue, as normal as you should judge the figure of a young girl of course, but when puberty hit, it hit me harder than my pinky toe would hit the coffee table on a regular.

Suddenly I was getting a stomach, boobs, and a butt, and while I waited for the moment I'd finally grow tall enough in high so my weight and bodily proportions wouldn't be as... eye-catching, I had to wear the clothes all chubby little girls had to wear back in the days when we couldn't just simply order cute plus-size clothes online and celebrate the fact that all bodies are beautiful.

I had to wear baggy shirts, mostly from the boys' section in the store, and low-rising flared jeans hanging from my body. The motto really was to somehow cloth this unfortunately big body and hide its size away as good as possible, not to have me dressed and feel confident... or even pretty.

Most of my youth, I, therefore, had spent as the tomboy with a great personality. Only as I got older, finished college, and began working for the FBI, confidence finally came to me.

Yes, I could say it came with the gun I was now holding on the regular, or with the thankful eyes of the people whose lives I saved. But actually, it came with the friends I made along the way.

All sizes, shapes, and colors. No judgment for me, or my clothes, or appearance. It felt incredible to finally be in a safe space where I was not defined by the number on my scale.

I mostly even found my own clothing style. So I had, over time, laid my tomboy style to rest and dressed as girly as I'd like to. Nowadays I could simply go online and order a bunch of cute things in my size, I could dress in the same styles every other woman could.

That being said, I still struggled with my self-worth behind closed doors. That was why I loved the colder seasons so much. I could hide away my body like people had taught me all my life.

Cute cardigans, long jeans, sweaters with sunflowers or mushrooms on them, a tightfitting shirt and a loose one over it so it would hide my stomach... Those articles of clothing made me happy because they showcased my personality and still hid away my insecurities.

But as all good things must come to an end at some point, we had entered the season of summer, sun, heat... and less clothing than I felt comfortable in.

As I finally packed my things from my desk this especially hot Friday afternoon, I couldn't wait to go home and strip from my cardigan and band t-shirt. Air-conditioning only ever betters so much.

I really wished I'd just have the gut to walk around in a tank top like Emily or wear a short skirt as JJ did, but I really didn't like showing my naked upper arms, and don't even get me started on my thighs.

"Hey, you're going home for today?" Looking over the separation between our desks, I nodded at my Spencer, my best friend in the world, and the most beautiful man I'd ever seen.

Not that I was crushing, no, I had given up on that years ago. He was an amazing person and that curly hair, hazel eyes, and sharp cheekbones made him look like he was made by the gods... But that also made him to be way out of my league. That had been while I had – after my initial crushing and nervous giggles had stopped – settled for being the chubby friend... As always.

"Yep, I need a cold shower. Seriously, I feel like a fried fish stick in here," I joked, making him chuckle.

"Yeah, Morgan played with the air-conditioning and I think he broke it," he shook his head, while my eyes wandered down his rolled-up sleeves and veiny hands. "No, I am actually most certain that he broke it."

In all our years of friendship, I had managed to let my guard down quite a bit. Once you know somebody would never in a million years be attracted to you, you stop pretending and trying to look nice for them. And once he had grown accustomed to me as a new team member and I began to understand his little quirks, we started hanging out outside of work a lot.

Going to book stores, having sleepovers in each other's apartments, Dr. Who and Star Trek marathons, Comic Conventions, and watching Russian movies – that always had me fall asleep because I got sensory overloaded by watching, reading, and listening a movie all at the same time – had become our regular thing when we weren't in relationships.

We both didn't date much, Spencer rarely seemed to be interested in anyone and me? Well, I already mentioned the fact that nobody wants the chubby girl, therefore, I sort of stopped trying. So we had a lot of time to pursue our shared hobbies.

"You're coming tonight though, right? I don't wanna come if you're not at Penelope's get-together at the bar."

Fuck. I had completely forgotten about that.

"You forgot," Spencer surmised, looking at my face with a hint of entertainment.

"No, I didn't," I lied, only making him start to giggle and flash his beautiful smile at me.

"Oh, you so forgot about it."

I joined his contagious laugh, admitting, "Okay, yeah, fine. You got me. I forgot about it. Happy?"

He nodded happily, starting to pack his things as well. Most likely would he ask me to drive him home soon. "So, are you going? Because if not, I need you to help me come up with an excuse for me as well."

Playing with the string attached to my water flask, I sighed. "I'm gonna go. Pen is talking about it for weeks now."

"Which makes it even more astonishing that you were able to forget about it." At Spencer's sassy comment I stuck my tongue out.

"Very mature," he chuckled, making me nod proudly. "Hey, do you think you can give me a ride home?" Ah, called it.

"Sure," I smiled, watching Derek sneak up behind Spencer and mess up his hair.

"Pretty boy," he chuckled, "Will we be seeing you at the bar tonight?"

Fixing his hair, Spencer nodded. "Yeah, sure. I was just asking-" Derek interrupted him, looking in my direction. "You coming too, pretty girl?"

I hated that nickname. It always felt like a joke at my expanse, even after Morgan had assured me countless times that it wasn't and he meant it the same way he meant it regarding Reid.

"Yes," I answered quickly, making him clap his hands. "So that's why Reid's coming," he laughed, turning to him. "I was already wondering what pretty little thing got you whipped enough to leave your apartment on a Friday night."

Spencer was quick to throw him an angry look, thinking I didn't notice it. "Don't say things like that," he mumbled, Derek continuing to egg him on. "What? That pretty girl has you-"

Spencer stood up abruptly, exclaiming, "Stop calling her pretty girl and stop insinuating that I'd like her like that."

Ow. Okay, that was painful. But a chubby girl learns how to handle rejection. Teenagers are way less careful in the way they turn you down when confessing a crush.

Ignoring both Morgan and Spencer's nervous looks – both seemingly worried about having hurt my feelings during their brotherly bickering – I stood up, grabbing my bag with a smile. "Okay, boys, that's enough for today. I need to get ready for tonight."

Taking a few steps in the direction of the elevator, I turned around. "Spence, are you coming?"

He quickly nodded, grabbing his satchel, and hurrying after me. Passing by Derek, he slightly hit him in the chest as he chuckled about Spencer following me like a puppy.

*****

The car ride was painfully silent, Spencer only fidgeting with the strap of his bag. I didn't know what to say, either. Like I said, I was used to rejection but he had been so quick and embarrassed shutting Derek down... The thought of being with me or people thinking there was something between us seemed to really make him uncomfortable.

No wonder actually. I knew his exes and his former crushes. He instinctively always went for the skinny, pretty blonde.

While I hadn't ever considered having a type until I had met him, he was an absolute dream to me but I was so not his type, it made me want to cry.

"I- I didn't..." He started shortly before we reached his apartment. "I'm sorry."

"What do you mean?" I smiled. "You did nothing wrong."

He shook his head, fingers starting to become more fidgety. "I shouldn't have said-"

"Spencer, I am well aware I am not a 'pretty girl', okay?" I snapped at him before I had to go through the humiliation of him trying to find something pretty about me.

"Y-You just- I wanted to help because you said you don't like it when Morgan calls you that. I- I never meant that you're not pretty. I think you beau-" I abruptly stopped the car in front of his apartment, smiling in his direction.

"Everything's okay, Spence. Don't think about it because I definitely won't either." Yeah, that was a lie. I was going to cry all night and overthink why I was never going to be the girl he wanted.

"O-Okay," he stammered, opening the car door. "I'll still see you tonight, right?"

I nodded, the fake smile still plastered onto my face. "Sure. See you later."

As he had said his goodbye and closed the door, I drove off so fast I was probably going to receive a ticket in the mail for it. Finally alone in the car, I allowed myself to cry a little, humiliated and broken-hearted seemed to be the way I was starting into the weekend. Just great.

*****

I knew Spencer didn't think I was a pretty girl, he would only ever in my dreams consider being with someone like me. Yet, it didn't stop me from putting on this short, black bodycon dress hugging every curve of my body.

Penelope had talked me into buying it the last time as we had online shopped with wine. She had said something about me going to look hot in it and Spencer falling to his knees for me once he saw me in it.

Easily said by somebody embodying an angel's personality, confidence, and rainbows... Yet, although I envied her for all that, Garcia was the only one knowing about my feelings for Spencer and all my insecurities.

She too wasn't a size 2 and as much as a skinny girl could try, if you've never been in the skin of a chubby one, you don't understand just how worthless you sometimes feel because of it.

Looking into the mirror at home, I swear I had never felt sexier. Maybe I was going to turn Spencer's head tonight, or at least have him notice that I wasn't only the fat friend. But when I turned to the side, my stomach immediately began stressing me out.

Too much, too fat. Not flat. NOT. PRETTY.

That was okay. I was aware of the problem, so I could fix it. There was no time to change again, and honestly, if I'd have to try on another outfit and look myself in the mirror again, I was going to stay at home and cry.

Grabbing a gray cardigan from my wardrobe and putting it on, I quickly felt better. Swallowed by all the fabric, there was no chance somebody would notice my rolls. This was a great solution.

*****

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

The stupidest of them all.

What had I been thinking?

I fucking hate summer.

The evening had started out nice. I had gotten some compliments from Penelope and Spencer seemed no longer to feel bad for stating his obvious disinterest in me as a love interest.

Then the bar got fuller, people started dancing, alcoholic drinks began heating my blood...

The cardigan I had grabbed to hide my way too tight-fitting dress and body, had been made for winter temperatures, and by now it felt like I was melting. But the thought of somebody seeing me in the dress alone was too humiliating and keeping me from taking the cardigan off.

"Aren't you hot?" Penelope whispered over the music, which actually was yelling, making the rest of our friends listen to our conversation.

"N-No. I'm fine," I smile, hoping my foundation wasn't melting off my face.

Emily shook her head. "It's fucking hot in here. You should take off your cardigan before you'll get a heatstroke."

Spencer looked back and forth between me and Emily, agreeing with her. "She's right. You look hot."

He quickly became pale, shaking his head. "I- I didn't mean that. You're not hot. I meant you're looking like you're warm because it's summer and it's warm."

Emily was quick to kick him under the table and Spencer stopped talking, Morgan whispering something into his ear that sounded like a solid scolding. Swallowing hard, I licked my lips and began holding my cold beer as a distraction to how warm I was.

When Derek stopped talking, Spencer quickly tried to establish eye contact with me, looking shocked. "I- I'm sorry, that came out wrong."

I waved him off. I couldn't handle any more humiliation today.

"I didn't mean to say you're not hot," Spencer repeated a little louder.

"I understood it the first time," I answered, having a hard time hiding the hurt in my voice.

"Please just take off that cardigan," JJ insisted, already having a hand on my clothes and pulling it off my shoulder like I was a stubborn child. "I promise you'll feel better."

Shaking my head, I struggled to put the cardigan back on while everyone tried convincing me to just take it off.

"JJ, stop that-" Spencer tried to intervene, leaning over the table to grab her hands and knocking over my beer, drowning me in it.

I quickly jumped up, taking off my cardigan before the beer could soak through all my clothes and I would smell like a distillery for the rest of the night. Meanwhile, JJ and Penelope sponged up the spilled beer on the table with some napkins.

"Fuck." I and the entire table looked at Spencer who stood across from me, staring at my dress.

He rarely cussed, which made me look down to and pray I hadn't been misfortunate enough to have one of those shitty dresses that became see-through in certain lighting. As I saw that that wasn't the case, my heat melted brain also registered that I now had to be seen in my dress.

"That's the dress we bought together, right?" Penelope asked amazed. It instantly felt like everyone in this bar was staring at me.

The one thing every insecure girl in a bar, or a club, or anywhere, is thankful for is the one chubby woman wearing something daring. They always got the attention, good and negative. Unwantedly, this woman seemed to be me tonight.

"Y-Yeah," I stuttered, sitting back down.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see Spencer sitting back down too. He was still staring at me with an intensity that made my face become hot and unable to really take in any of the complements our friends were giving me.

"Pretty girl, you're looking fine as hell," Derek chuckled, nudging Reid. "Doesn't she, man? Give the lady some compliments."

"I'm not going to do anything," Spencer hissed at Morgan louder than he'd planned.

I am not into sports, never even having played any of them – excluding the one short period where I thought I could 'Kick it like Beckham' – but I knew that three strikes meant that you were out. So, before anyone could see just how out I was for tonight, I stood up, grabbed my bag, and bolted out of the bar.

*****

After being cat-called and whistled after by a group of guys that were now probably laughing about ever seriously hitting on me, I embraced the cold air on my warm skin.

Of course, it was a nice temperature outside the bar. Chuckling at this like it was an unfair joke, I wiped away my tears. This had all exactly gone as my anxiety-filled nightmares had expected. Those Cinderella moments didn't work for me, I should've just stayed at home, ordering a pizza, and continuing to watch my K-Drama on Netflix.

The worst thing of all, came to my mind as I walked down the empty road. I had no idea how I could face Spencer again. Some silly part of me had stayed stubbornly optimistic that he could one day fall for me and look over the fact that I was a multiplication of his own weight. Today had once and for all shattered that dream and made me painfully aware of just how unattractive I seemed to appear to him.

"Hey, wait!"

Turning around to the person calling after me, I saw Spencer running towards me, my soaked cardigan in his hand. I had totally forgotten about that one, too busy with running away.

"God, you're fast," Spencer mumbled out of breath as he had finally reached me. "You- You forgot your cardigan."

I took the reeking piece of clothing from him mumbling, "Thanks," hoping he wouldn't see that I had cried.

Face turning red, he mumbled, "Y-You look good..."

This compliment made out of pity, made me shake my head. "Look, you really don't need to give me a meaningless compliment, okay? I know how ridiculous I look."

"It's not meaningless," he insisted, making me start to sob. Today had definitely been too much. Spencer immediately closed the distance between us, cupping my cheeks. "I- I'm so sorry. I said something wrong again, right? Please don't cry."

There was no chance I could ever face him again after this stupid, stupid day. So I pulled my face away from his grasp and started walking home.

Over the next couple of blocks, I continued to cry silently, still hearing Spencer walk behind me. As I'd finally reached my apartment, I turned around. He stood there, his big hazel eyes filled with worry, mouth slightly open as if he tried to say something.

"Did-" He swallowed roughly. "Did Morgan tell you to wear that?"

My eyes snapped at him. "Why should he?" I finally said, humiliation eating away at me. "I wanted to impress you tonight."

"Y-You what?" he whispered, having me laugh sadly. "Clearly didn't work because I'm just your chubby friends in a way too tight dress."

"I think you're beautiful," Spencer said, taking a step towards me. "Y- You look like a dream to me. You always do."

As if somebody had pulled the floor under my feet away, I stood there, lifting a warning hand. "You're better not fucking with me, Spencer Reid," I warned him.

"I- I- I'm not- I-" His stuttering stopped and he just looked at me mortified. The phrasing of my words had probably thrown him off.

"I meant that it would be mean if you'd be playing a prank on me," I said in a child-prove manner.

"Why would I ever joke about something like that?" Spencer asked confused, and I shrugged. "People can get really mean to a chubb-"

"Stop talking about yourself like that," Spencer interrupted me loudly. "That's not okay. You're so- You're so- I think I'm gonna throw up," stuttered, breathing out more air than he had to offer.

A sarcastic giggle tore through my chest, "That is really not proving your point."

He joined my laughing and as the silence between us became louder again, he sighed, taking a deep breath. "I like you, you know?" he asked gently, smiling his wide, closed-lip smile.

I nodded. "Sure hope you do. I'm your best friend."

"Not like that," Spencer corrected me. "Not like friends. I- I like you as a woman. A very, very beautiful woman. Derek knows and- and he set me this ultimatum where he would tell if I didn't, so I would finally tell you how I feel because he says that it's been too many years. And if I continue to just be your friend you'll friendzone me and fall in love with somebody else and I don't- I don't want you to do that."

I just stood there, not able to find words to anything he had just said. Lifting his hands, Spencer now began talking as if his life would depend on it.

"I think you're so beautiful that I get dizzy when looking at you for too long and I tried to make sure you're comfortable around me first but then we became friends and you never seemed to like me the same way I like you. And today, every time I wanted to help you – with Morgan calling you pretty girl and then with JJ and your cardigan – I only made you feel bad about yourself. But I knew that I could only fix it if I told you that I like you and that scared the shit out of me and then you wear this dress that makes you look so sexy that I can't even glance at you because I start thinking very inappropriate things-"

Not knowing if this was just a very beautiful, rambling dream right now, I asked, "What do you mean by that?"

Scratching the back of his head, he smiled, "I-I thought I was being pretty clear." I shook my head, needing to hear it before I could even remotely believe it. "I should probably get to the point then, I love you."

"You love me?" I asked, making him nod and I just couldn't comprehend it. "You know you could have any woman, right? You're handsome, kind, the best friend in the world... Why me?"

"Why not?" He asked back baffled, looking down on himself. "Also, I am a scrawny, unhealthily pale guy that can't control his information dumps and has been called a pipe cleaner with eyes before. Not to forget that the only one I want is looking at me like I'm lying right now."

"You could still do better than me," I said, clearly out to ruin this for myself and make Spencer see me as I saw myself.

"Okay. You're crazy," He concluded as I had just insulted him. "You are so pretty! I- I mean, looks don't mean anything but GOD you are so stunning. The way you smile, the way you dress in your cute sweaters and pull them over your thumbs... The way you look in that dress."

The last sentence he had almost growled, licking over his lips and trying not to stare at me. He really thought I was beautiful, just like I had thought it when getting ready. Maybe this little part of me that had felt confident had been right and I really looked good in this dress... Looked good in general.

All this time I had pulled myself down, although Spencer had clearly wanted to be with me and just tried being thoughtful about it.

All this time I was thinking it was better to hide my body and my emotions just because I had a negative belief system going on right from the beginning, instead of deciding to let it be and be happy.

"I wanna kiss you," Spencer said, instantly shaking his head. "I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head again before coming to his final conclusion. "No, I'm not. Can I kiss you?"

Instead of listening to the part of my mind that questioned why he would ever want that, I nodded. Yes. Yes, I wanted him to kiss me.

Closing the distance between us, he once more cupped my cheeks, his hands shaking violently.

"You're shaking," I whispered, feeling his breath on my face. "Nervous," he whispered back as we smiled at each other.

I laid my hands on his, leaning closer, and kissed him.

Saying that I, as a chubby girl, knew rejection was wrong if me. Yes, I knew it, yes I knew how it could hurt, but I had let this mindset decide that I never had the chance of being with Spencer before ever even giving him a say in it.

Life and previous disappointments had made me too afraid. In hindsight, I could've been happy so much earlier, if I would've only let myself.

We are to make our own happiness, and let's be honest, what is better? Crying over a person that didn't want you for a few days, or passing out on the love of your life just because you're too scared to take a risk?

As Spencer broke the kiss, he was still shaking but a smile was plastered across his face. "Do you wanna go back to the bar?" he offered, but I shook my head.

"Nope. I'm gonna change into some sweatpants and order some pizza," I announced.

He took a step back, "Oh, okay."

Walking up the stairs, I felt his eyes on me – and definitely on my butt – as I opened the door to my apartment building. Turning around, Spencer still stood at the end of the stairs, looking up at me like this was a goodbye.

I smiled at him, "Spence, are you coming?"

Blinking a little surprised, he nodded, taking two stairs at once so he'd be beside me faster. "Sure, pretty girl," he chuckled, and before I could complain about him using this nickname, he pressed his lips on mine again.

As he pulled away, his knuckles brushed over my cheek and he smile in awe, whispering, "My pretty girl."

And for once, I didn't hate being called a pretty girl because I knew Spencer meant it with every fiber of his being.

[justmelookingbackatme]

I Wish I Could Wear A Dress

I wish I could wear a dress.

No, that's not right. I could wear a dress any time I wanted. It's not that hard. It's just fabric. I could.

It's just that... even imagining how I would look in a dress, the pink sparkly one we saw in the store yesterday, makes my chest tighten and the air gets uncomfortably hot. It feels like touching styrofoam or coating my hands in dried clay. It feels like I'm trapped.

If I just tried it on, I would look so beautiful. I could be such a beautiful young woman, twirling in a skirt that flares around my thighs or looking in the mirror, adjusting a collar that dips enough to show cleavage. I could be such a lovely girl. If only I wore that dress.

I don't think I've worn a dress in six years.

I don't think I've ever been a lovely girl.

When I was shopping for my Bat Mitzvah, you wanted me to wear a dress. You asked me why I wouldn't wear one, and I didn't know. I didn't have the words yet. I just... wouldn't.

In retrospect, that might have been the moment that solidified I wasn't just a girl who didn't like dresses, wasn't just a bit of a tomboy, but something that ran deeper. I had friends who disliked dresses. Even they would wear one for a special occasion, would want to feel beautiful and girly on occasion. I was different. I couldn't stand the thought of putting it on in the fitting room, and I didn't know why.

You thought I was just stubborn, but I wouldn't try on a dress.

(I have to be stubborn in my gender, with all the world wants to take it from me.)

We asked a store clerk to help us look for alternatives to a dress. I wish she had suggested we look in the boys section. I didn't know that was an option then. If she had suggested it, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. But she didn't.

In the end, we bought three outfits; high waisted pants along with a tight turtleneck I thought would choke me, a flowy too-big jumpsuit with a floral pattern, and a black pantsuit with a silvery sparkly top. I ended up wearing the last one to my Bat Mitzvah.

(Bar Mitzvah.

B'nai Mitzvah.

I don't know what to call it.)

I wish I had worn a suit. I wish I had known that was an option.

After the ceremony, I changed into dress pants and a tight fitting shirt. You have a picture of me standing by a tree in our yard, wearing that shirt. You love that picture. I hate it. You say I look so grown up in that photo. I look like a woman. The shirt emphasizes my boobs and curves and I hate it. It's hanging up in my closet right now.

I wish I could wear a dress. I would settle for putting on that shirt without wanting to rip it off, and my skin along with it.

I went shopping with you last fall. We passed the section with the dresses, and you asked if I was interested. (I think you knew the answer to that.) I said no. You asked if I would ever wear a dress. I'm not sure what that was in your voice. Frustration? Doubt that this was anything more than a phase? Disappointment that I'm not the feminine daughter you wanted? Whatever it was, I said no, I didn't think so.

Mom, I wish I was your feminine daughter too. I wish I could wear every dress you asked me to try on.

When you first began giving me shit for not wearing dresses, I got angry. I should have held onto that anger. It's not my fault I'm not your feminine daughter, it's your fault you wanted me to be. But I'm left with guilt.

I was smarter when I was younger. I knew there wasn't anything wrong with me for not wearing clothes that made me uncomfortable. I knew it was everyone else who was wrong.

If I was braver, I would have asked you the question in my head at the time, one I still remember. Why was it so strange that I didn't want to wear dresses? Why did you keep trying to convince me otherwise? If a boy said he didn't want to wear a dress, no one would question his decision. It would be surprising for anyone to even suggest it to him. To me, there wasn't a difference between me saying no to a dress and a boy saying no.

There wasn't much of a difference between me and a boy.

There still isn't.

I don't wear dresses. That isn't who I am. I have more words to explain it than I did those years ago; dysphoria, genderqueer, butch. I still don't have all the words to explain who I am.

But I know these words: I'm not who you want me to be.

Maybe you'll get another daughter to play dress-up with. Maybe you won't. We'll see what she grows into, and you'll have to live with it either way. I may be constantly exasperated by her existence, but if you try to shame her into dresses, I will stand up for her the way I never stood up for myself. She will wear what she wants, not what you want her to want.

I don't wish I could wear a dress.

I wish you didn't want me to.