#Lame Idea is Lame but whatever I thought it was funny in my head

[whysamwhy123]

I'm trying to distract from myself from the sad news and how fucking tired I am after this week so! I'm gonna ramble on after the cut about another one of my stupid fic ideas I'll probably never write! You have been warned!

...I'm so tired, Renee...

So I've wanted to write a dumb comedy-thing about a Danhausen curse gone wrong for ages and I randomly thought of one for a JungleHook fic. So Danhausen notices how down Hook is after Jack betrays him and steals the title, how much he misses his buddy and even though they're mortal enemies now, D can tell that Hook really wishes he could work things out with Jack. So, naturally, a curse must be the solution!

So with some help from some magic/demon buddies or whatever, Danhausen engineers a curse that's basically the magical equivalent of a Get-Along Shirt. You know the drill, right? Maybe they're magically stuck together or maybe it's more like, they have to be touching each other in some regard, some form of contact - if they're not touching, they get super sick or an extreme migraine, like their heads are gonna explode so they have to be in close proximity, they can't be apart. Danhausen helpfully explains to them that the curse will only break when either Jack gives Hook the FTW title back or if they work out their differences, repair the rift between them and become buds again. Whichever comes first! And Jack ain't giving up the belt, even though it's the easy solution, so they're stuck like that for the rest of the night.

They hold up in one of their hotel rooms, mad as hell, and there's a bunch of obligatory wacky hijinks of them being stuck together with someone they used to be best friends with but now can't stand. But at the end of the night, well, they can't be apart so I guess they have to share the bed. And they can't be on opposite sides either, they need to be touching all throughout the night or they won't be able to sleep, so I guess they have no choice but to cuddle. And maybe while cuddling, they get to talking a bit more earnestly about what went down between them. Maybe shit gets real and feelings are discussed and the two of them start to feel like friends again. And then maybe they smooch. And then fuck nasty.

So next morning, the curse is broken and Danhausen barges into their room, sees them apart, not touching, and he's like ''Ah, good, the curse worked! Which came first?''

And Hook just points at Jack.

So, the curse worked out really well. Probably a little too well if you ask Danhausen.

[princessmaybank]

Ride The Cowboy

Pairings: JJ x BestFriend!Fem!reader

Warnings: MDNI, riding, creampie

Summary: JJ got a new cowboy hat and reader has no idea about the rule.

Authors Note: I had a smut written for a request. It was JJ and reader with the cowboy hat rule but it got deleted! It was anonymous so I hope whoever requested this sees it and enjoys!!!

(Edit: I changed the gif bc he's got a cowboy hat on 🤭 idk who these belong to but they aren't mine so credit to whoever made these!)

JJ found this random black cowboy hat at one of our shops in town. I didn't think he was serious when he said he wanted to buy it because it's not even his style.

Anyway he's been wearing it for a fucking week, trying to act all country and it's so fucking annoying. He has started using a country accent trying to be funny, but it was just so, so lame.

We were at the boneyard having the time of our lives. JJ and I were dancing together, giggling and having some normal fun, until he started talking like he was from Texas.

I was so fed up. I reached for his hat and threw it onto my head. "Look at me, I'm JJ, all I ever do is talk with an accent and twirl around in my cowboy hat!!" I said, very annoyed with a terrible attempt at a country accent.

JJ was staring at me in awe, which got the attention of our friend Pope, whose jaw went slack as well. Pope walked over and rested his arm on JJ's shoulder. "She doesn't know does she?" Pope looked at JJ with the most dead serious look I've ever seen. What the hell was he talking about???

"I don't think she does." He grinned and started laughing. His cheeks flushed red as he looked at his feet then back to Pope. "What are you talking about?!" I asked frantically. "Have fun cowboy." Pope said patting JJ's back while walking away. I give JJ a questioning look.

He got extremely close to my body, yet he was still towering over me. Damn this boy was tall. JJ took my hands in his. "You don't know the cowboy hat rule?" He asked smirking down at me. "These things have fucking rules too???" He giggled. "Yes but this one is probably the most important." Somehow he got closer, which was surprisingly not as uncomfortable as I thought. "What is it??" I asked getting annoyed because he was playing games at this point.

"Wear the hat, ride the cowboy."

His face never changed from that smug little smirk, but my eyes got wide. I hit his chest, he was my best friend. "No way Maybank, that's probably something you made up to get you laid." He grinned. "It's not I swear, if you don't believe me look it up."

Unfortunately I did, and he was right. It was some kind of sick joke. "Well I didn't know so it doesn't count!" I crossed my arms. "Hey, rules are rules baby." He was holding my hips now. Why were butterflies filling my stomach? I've never thought of JJ this way. It would be so wrong. "So is no pogue on pogue macking!" I say trying my hardest to find a way out of this, but of course he's ready for whatever I say. "First of all, John B and Sarah are right over there, basically eating each other's faces. Second of all, it's not macking, it's riding baby." He smiled to himself because he knew he won.

JJ walked us to the Twinkie, where we wouldn't be bothered. "You just want an excuse to fuck your best friend!" I say fighting the best I could. "I could say the same about you! I didn't tell you to steal my hat! And you're still wearing it!" He laughs so hard after he gets his sentence out. I was blushing when I quickly took his hat off and threw it at him.

I was hovering over him, very anxious. He had a huge grip on my hips. "We do not have to do this if you don't want to." He says while holding me up. "JJ, I'm already naked. Plus you said it, rules are rules." Before I could change his mind or my own, I started easing myself down onto his dick. JJ let out a slight hissing sound as I went lower. Not gonna lie, I did need to get fucked. It was probably why I found him so annoying this week.

JJ helped me move at a pace that made us both feel good. "Come here." He pulled me in with a motion of his finger. "Might as well break a rule while we're at it." He smirked before attaching his lips to mine. JJ sat up and put his back against the seat, never pulling out. I pulled his hands away from my hips and to my tits, making him squeeze them as I bounced on his dick all by myself. I couldn't believe I was riding my best friend.

"Fuck Y/N/N don't stop." Woah. JJ called me by my nickname while I was bouncing on his huge cock. How fucking hot. Can't believe I'm saying this but I think I'm catching feelings in the middle of all of this. "Fuck I'm cumming!" I yell as my body starts spasming, I feel his dick shoot his hot liquid into me after I was done. JJ pushed my hips up and down, helping us ride out our orgasms.

He started spooning me after I put my clothes back on and laid down. "JJ I don't wan-" Before I could finish he interrupted me. "Y/N, I can't handle it anymore. I need to be with you, especially now. Now that I've had a little taste of you, I don't think I could let you go and just continue being just your best friend." He was hovering over me now. "I was thinking the same thing." That made us both smile.

We popped up when we heard the side door slam open. "I'm assuming she followed the rules?" Pope giggled staring at JJ, making him giggle as well. They high fived as I rolled over to hide in JJ's chest.

[tommysversion]

That’s My Girl - [ Joel Miller x Reader 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ ]

Anon requested jealous, possessive Joel with a filthy mouth, so here you are! General CW for spice, unsafe sex, Joel with a filthy mouth, & a slightly red flag possessive streak.

Joel slammed the door behind you, expression mutinously annoyed as he crossed his arms and turned to you.

“What the fuck was that back there?” He demanded.

You had to resist the urge to smirk; if you weren’t so annoyed yourself, you’d feel smug about pissing him off. Joel liked to pretend he didn’t give a rat’s ass about you, but it was obvious that you were more than… whatever he thought you were. A quick fuck. Something casual. There was nothing casual about the way he’d grabbed your hand and practically dragged you out of the bar.

“What was what?” You asked sweetly, enjoying the way his eyes darkened.

“You know damn well what.” He glared, “letting that random fucking informant buy you drinks.”

“Maybe I like free booze?” You suggested, innocent. Oh, you knew exactly what you were doing.

“Not enough to let someone like that put their hands on you, surely?”

Your own temper flared. “What’s it to you, Joel? I’m not your goddamn property. Besides, you can’t lecture me on exclusivity when-“

You stopped, still angry, still hurt, by what you had seen. By what had driven you to provoke him, to try and draw out his jealous side in blatant vengeance.

“When what?” He demanded, exasperated. Honestly he had no damn clue what had possibly driven you to act the way you had, flirting with anyone and everyone. You were his, dammit. Nobody else should be able to hold your attention. Nobody else was worthy of it.

You were so angry at the memory, you wanted to cry.

“When I show up at your place looking for you and Tess answers the door wearing your fucking shirt and says you’re busy.” You snapped, glaring at him. “You don’t get to demand I don’t look for attention elsewhere when you’re clearly more than happy to fuck both of us.”

He stared at you. He hadn’t been home at the time, had been at work. He knew which shirt you were referring to, though. It was an old one he’d given her on a laundry day, almost a year ago.

“That… is not what’s happening here.” He said flatly.

“No? You think I’m stupid?” You demanded. Honestly if he wasn’t so worried about fixing this, wasn’t so pissed about you letting that fucking rat touch you, he’d almost find this funny.

“I haven’t been with Tess like that for… Fuck, almost five years.” He shook his head, “that shirt was too small for me, I handed it down on a laundry day when she had nothing clean. And I was at work, by the way.”

You cut your building tirade, mouth open but nothing coming out, feeling monumentally stupid.

“Oh.” You manage, knowing full well how lame you sound.

“Yeah, oh.” He frowned at you, “you know better than to let her rile you up.”

He was already making a note of talking to Tess, though. He’d have a few choice words for her, that was for damn sure. But that wasn’t his focus.

“Now we’ve cleared that up, you wanna tell me again why you were getting so cosy with our good friend the local rat, there?” He backed you right up against the wall, one arm on either side of you, effectively trapping you there.

“I-“ You had absolutely no good answer for him.

“I’m gonna take a guess,” he suggested, “that you thought it would be a good idea to piss me off, by acting like a complete slut.”

“No, I-“

“No? You weren’t? Cause that’s not what it looked like to me, baby.”

You could feel the heat coming from him; in a very short sentence: you’d fucked up. Big time.

“I just-“

“I don’t care what your damn reason was, honestly. But I have a suggestion for you.” He was leaning in close now, mouth so close to yours. You leaned in, wanting so badly to kiss him. He turned his head at the last minute.

“You want to put that mouth to use? Get on your knees and show me.”

Fuck, he was mad. You were only starting to realise just how far you’d pushed him now, but there was no going back, and no hiding the thrill you were getting from it as you dropped to your knees to obey him, hands going to his belt.

“Not making a case for yourself here, are you darlin’?” There was a sort of wry amusement to his voice as you unzipped his jeans, wrapped your hand around his already hard length.

He kept one hand on the wall, the other reaching down to stroke your hair.

“Be a good girl now and I might be less mad.”

You looked up at him, staring into those depthless dark eyes, as you leaned in to lick a slow stripe along his cock, watching his reaction before you took him into your mouth. You didn’t hold back, sucking him eagerly.

“This what you were gonna do to that other bastard? Or am I special?” He was taunting you, he knew deep down you’d never have let anyone else touch you, but fuck, he was angry about it. You were his. His. Nobody else got to touch you. Even thinking about it made him see red.

You, of course, couldn’t answer, mouth otherwise occupied as he started to thrust shallowly into your throat. He groaned softly when you sucked him, swallowing around him. He knew exactly what you were doing, pulled out of your mouth and tapped you sharply on the lips with his cock.

“Not yet. Get up.”

You got up, a little shaky, only to find yourself pinned against the wall, your dress being pushed up around your hips.

“Tell me, is this what you’d let anyone else do to you?”

“N-no,” you admitted, voice shaking with a little fear, a lot of desire.

“No? Are you sure?” His lips grazed your throat, teeth nipping the skin.

“I’m sure…” you were absolutely soaked; you could feel your own wetness drenching your panties as he dragged them aside, wrapped your leg around his waist.

“Good.” He almost growled it, “you’re mine.”

He slid into you in a single, deep, rough thrust, drawing a cry of surprised pleasure from your lips.

“I don’t give a damn if you want to be a whore, as long as it’s only for me.” He kept one hand wrapped around you to steady you, keeping you braced against the wall with his other hand as he fucked you, harder and faster with each deep thrust.

“Fuck-“ you whimpered, tightening your leg around his waist, bringing him in deeper.

“None of that.” He slapped your ass sharply, “talk to me, baby, use your words. Tell me who you belong to.”

He was barely thinking straight himself, driven by a deep and primal feeling of jealousy, rage, and possessiveness. You brought out the best in him, but that was a double edged sword. You could also bring out the worst, when needed.

Luckily, you understood, knew how to play him.

“You, Joel,” you cried out as he hit your sweet spot, again and again, “I’m yours, I promise!”

Your cries faded into incoherence, loud and desperate sounds of pleasure as he brought you closer and closer, finally reaching the apex of your pleasure, tightening around him, soaking every inch of him that was buried inside you.

“That’s goddamn right,” he agreed, pressing a searing kiss to your mouth, “you’re all mine, darlin’, don’t ever forget that.”

He could feel his own pace start to get erratic as he drew closer and closer to his own release, incoherent growls and groans falling from his lips.

“Fuck, darlin’, you feel so fuckin’ good, prettiest damn pussy I ever felt, gonna fill you up so good…” he punctuated each word with a sharp snap of his hips, “gonna make you forget anyone else you ever had… fuck…”

He couldn’t control it any longer, feeling himself throb and ache inside you as he filled you with his release; usually he was so careful about pulling out of you, but well… accidents happen. And if that accident so happened to keep you around and with him? All the better for it.

“Mine, darling. You’re all mine.” He murmured into your ear, holding you close.

You sighed, kissed his throat.

“I’m sorry…” you admitted; you’d pushed him too far, and you knew it.

He gave you a small smirk. “Don’t be sorry, baby. You more than made up for it.” He paused, and then, “just don’t do that shit again.”

You smiled back, rested your forehead against his.

“I won’t. Promise.”

He kissed your lips gently. “That’s my girl.”

[its-time-to-write]

Jamie tartt asking you to go on his brand trip (the one he asked Keeley on in the finale)

Thanks for being my first request! Hope ya like it <3

don’t make this any harder

It is almost the end of the football season, and all AFC Richmond can talk about are their plans once they get a break. You’re excited because it means you get more time with Jamie. You’ve been dating for about four months now, and it’s been weird. Good weird, not bad weird. Sometimes it’s just funny to you that Jamie took one look at you in that coffee shop and decided yep, that’s the one I’m going for. Honestly, you were a little surprised when someone had plunked a cinnamon latte on your small table, and even more surprised to look up and see that someone had some of the most gorgeous eyes you had ever seen. 

I’m Jamie, he had said. What’s your name?

And the rest is history.

This is the first time you feel like you are having fun in a relationship. Jamie has a way of getting you to loosen up and laugh for what feels like the first time in ages. After the first two weeks of dating, he starts to sneak into your flat through the window, so your flatmate won’t hear. A week after that, you go to your first Richmond game, wearing a number 9 with the name Tartt emblazoned across the back. 

Jamie has the idea early on to try to synchronize your lunch breaks, so you start having lunch together almost every day. It’s nice. 

It’s nice to want and to be wanted.

On paper, it looks like you see Jamie a lot, but you really don’t.

“Once football season’s over, we’ll have time, yeah?” he says.

You nod and count the days.

—

The season ends in three days, and you and Jamie are sitting on a bench while he eats whatever weird protein-based meal he has and you sip soup out of a thermos through a straw.

“I’m just saying it’s weird, babe,” Jamie says.

“Oh really, how is it any weirder than insisting on eating any kind of egg with a spoon?” you reply.

“Oi, I told you that in private!”

You both dissolve into laughter and once it fades, Jamie looks strangely pensive. You give him a gentle nudge on his shoulder. “Hey. What’s up?”

Jamie half turns to look at you with that pensive expression. “Eh, it’s nothin. Don’t worry about it.”

You raise your eyebrow at him and Jamie sighs. “Wish you wouldn’t do that, makes me feel insecure about me own lack of eyebrow control.” 

This makes you laugh again, but you’re not about to let him deflect that easily. You reach up with your thumbs to smooth his eyebrows. “C’mon Jamie, out with it. What’s on your mind?”

He’s still looking at you as he starts to speak, thinks better of it, then starts again.

“Babe,” he begins, taking your hand, “do you- I mean, you don’t have to, it’s super lame and like probably bad, so it won’t hurt my feelings if you say no- but do you want to come over for dinner on Saturday? I’ll like cook for ya and you don’t have to bring anything, but I thought it would be nice because now I actually have time to cook and I haven’t in ages, and like I said if you don’t want to, I get it, and-” he probably could have kept rambling on but you stop him.

“Jamie,” you smile, “I would love to! Why did that make you so nervous to ask?”

He shrugs. “I dunno, I guess- I mean, besides Keeley you’re kind of my first real relationship and I don’t want to fuck it up or scare you off.”

Oh. You let that process in your head for a moment as you squeeze his hand.

After a moment you say, “I’m not scared by your egg-eating habits and you’re not scared of my eyebrow muscles, so I think we’re going to be ok.”

Jamie pulls you close to him for a kiss, which is interrupted by an alarm on his phone. You both groan. Time to go back to work.

—

The rest of the week flies by and before you know it, you’re standing in front of Jamie’s door holding a bottle of wine. He said not to bring anything, but it gives you something to do with your hands and Richard has been begging you to let him explain wine for weeks now, so you figured you might as well. The weather is warm, so you’re wearing your favorite linen dress. It’s held together by a single wraparound tie on the side, easy to get on. And off. Odds are good that it will end up in a ball on Jamie’s floor before you have to go home.

You’ve barely knocked before the door swings open to reveal a smiling, nicely dressed Jamie.

“Hi,” you smile back.

He slips his arms around your waist and kisses you before saying, “C’mon in!” 

“You didn’t have to bring anythin,” he continues, holding open the door.

You shrug. “You know how Richard gets.”

Jamie huffs out a laugh and you follow him to the kitchen. You’re not sure what you were expecting, but it certainly was not this. This boy is making his own pizza and has set out the most impressive spread of toppings that you’ve ever seen. It looks and smells amazing.

“Jamie,” you say, still gaping at it all, “where on earth did you learn to do this?”

He looks up from rolling out a flat circle of dough, “Hm? Oh, eh I dunno. I like cooking and I like pizza, and you like pizza, and I’ve been making this recipe since like fuckin’ forever so I thought I’d just stick with an old classic. D’you mind stirring that?” He points to a pot on the stove with a wooden spoon poking out.

You literally have no words as you walk over and peer in.

“Jamie. Did you make this sauce?” you ask incredulously.

Jamie slaps his pizza dough with finality and leans up against the counter next to you, away from the flame.

“Uh yeah, I did,” he replies, scratching his neck. “Don’t overstir.”

You put down the spoon. “Jaim. How am I just now finding out about this. You’re pretty as hell, fantastic at football, and you cook?”

Jamie grins. “You think I’m pretty?”

You roll your eyes. “That’s what you got from this, you nerd?”

His hands have made their way to your waist again.

“Nice dress,” he says as he fiddles with the tie. “Got some good ideas for it later.”

You roll your eyes again, unable to suppress a grin. “Come here,” you say, pulling on his gold chain to get his lips at the right angle.

—

You’re halfway through dinner when Jamie has started to look pensive again. He denies it at first so you leave it, but after three more bites of your pizza he says, “Hey.”

You look up at him expectantly.

“I wasn’t, I mean I’m not- this wasn’t what I wanted to ask you,” he rushes out.

You tilt your head, still waiting.

“You know how we wanted to spend more time together this summer? Well, Nike have a branding thing for me in Brazil.”

You set down your slice and let out a soft “oh.”

“Yeah.” Jamie says. “So what d’you think?” Now he’s looking at you expectantly, and a little hesitant. You understand his nervousness now because you’re feeling it too. Four months is not a very long time to be together, and Brazil is a beautiful place with beautiful people. You can do a lot in Brazil.

You study your wine glass. “How long will you be gone?”

“Well, the shoot’s not that long, but I’ll probably be there a month. Nike’s paying for the whole thing, hotel, some of the meals, whatever. Flight’s next week. It’s mad.”

You nod. Jamie’s still looking at you.

Your mouth has gone dry. You’ll handle this with grace and at least you’ll go out on a good note with the best meal you’ve ever had. 

You’re still looking intently at the wine glass but you rip your eyes away and force yourself to look at Jamie.

“That’s great Jaim- Jamie. I’m happy for you. This is a big deal, and I’m sure you’ll love Brazil.”

Jamie’s face transforms into a look of relief as you speak.

“That’s great, yeah, I mean, I didn’t know what you’d think because obviously we talked about being together this summer and y’know, people say one thing but mean another, so I wasn’t sure, but that’s great!”

This boy and nervous rambling. He could give Ted a run for his money.

You force a smile, eyes on your plate now. You feel like all your energy has been drained from you in one fell swoop, while across from you Jamie is smiling like he won the lottery.

Is he really that excited to break things off with you?

He’s talking again so you do your best to focus on what he’s saying. 

“-And I was thinking we could go to this beach Keeley was telling me about and obviously we have to try all the food because granddad won’t be around to fuckin boss me around-”

What?

“Jamie,” you interrupt, “what?”

Jamie looks at you, confused. “What?”

“What are you talking about?”

Jamie looks at you like you’re mental. “I’m talkin’ about Brazil? The trip we’re goin’ on next week?”

Things are starting to click into place. You reach across the table and put your hand on top of his to steady yourself.

“You’re taking me on your brand deal?”

Now Jamie is really looking at you like you’ve gone mad. “That’s what I just asked ya. What are you on about?”

You stare at him for a moment then slowly say. “I thought you were breaking up with me so you could sleep with hot people in Brazil.”

Jamie stares back incredulously. “Why the fuck would you think that?”

You throw your hands in the air. “You were so nervous to talk to me! You said you were going to Brazil! That’s what people do! They get nervous to break up so they use some big trip to make it seem easier! And you’re you and you’re young, hot, and famous, so why would you be dragging me around with you?”

“You think I’m hot?”

You’re going to throttle him. “You know I think you’re hot, I’ve let you see me naked. Can we please stay on topic?”

Jamie chuckles at that.

“Look, I was nervous ‘cause you’re like, really fit. But it’s like, you’re also fit mentally? And I don’t get a lot of girls like that who also like me back. And Nike’s only paying for one room so… there’s that.”

He’s blushing a lot for someone who has been caught hopping out of your window at 3am.

Your head is in your hands now. Jamie gets up from his seat and pulls you up from your chair into his arms.

“Babe,” he says into your hair, “will you come to Brazil with me for a month while we fuck around like the hot couple that we are?”

You nod into his chest then lift your head to look at his face. He’s smiling at you. “I’m a dumbass,” you say.

His smile grows as he strokes your cheek.

“Yeah, but you’re my dumbass,” he says as he reaches for that tie on the side of your dress.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

[hullo! dropping in a honmei gift for Ace!! thanks!! ^^]

Ace is surprised with a hug from behind. "Boo! Haha, did I getcha? Here," A small, red box with a ribbon is placed in his hands. There's a clear window on the lid, and through it, he sees a slice of cherry pie. "They had your favorite in the cafeteria today! I made sure to snag a piece for you before they ran out, hehe." Now face-to-face with him, the butterflies in their stomach go wild, but they push forth.

"...I'm just gonna lay it all out: I like you. A lot, actually. I'm in love with you, and your goofy smile, and those stupid pretty eyes of yours..."

They're unable to look at him, but they grin as they continue. "Really, what's not to love about you? You're pretty cool, you're really funny, and you're an amazing friend... You make my days here in this crazy world so much easier, and a whole lot brighter. You have no idea how grateful I am for that..." They look up at him, smiling brightly. "I must be really lucky, having someone like you by my side."

"Call me a sap, or a cheeseball, or whatever; I don't care. I know teasing people like that is your love language." They laugh as they lightly, playfully punch his arm. "Still, it's nice to actually hear the words, right? So... I love you, Ace Trappola! With my whole heart!" They punctuate their confession with a quick kiss to the heart mark on Ace's face.

One tiny alteration was made (just so the events pan out a little more fluidly and dramatically); instead of the Reader placing the box in Ace's hands, Ace grabs it. Hope that's alright! .. BRUH 😭 Can I just say???? I’m totally shocked at how many gifts Ace got this year??? He ALONE claimed 10% of the interactions, and that’s more than Malleus fucking Draconia.

What the heck did Ace do the last year to steal all of your hearts???????? 🤡 This is a genuine question.

Sweet on You.

"Hey, watch it!" Ace groaned, playfully swatting at you with his notebook once you had released him. "Only dummies like Deuce would fall for such a lame jumpscare. I'm built different."

After delivering a light blow to your head, he tucked the notebook under an arm. "So, what's up? You need me or something' now that classes are out?"

Ace peered at the small beribboned red box you offered. Through a window of clear plastic film, he could see a slice of pie. The lattice crust was crisp and golden brown, the filling oozing with plump cherries.

His eyes lit up. "Sweet, score!! I was super bummed out since Professor Crewel--what a hardass--lectured me about goofing off in lab. He went on for so long that I was late for lunch period and totally missed my shot at grabbing a slice."

Ace greedily reached to intercept the snack. When both his grip and yours were locked onto the box, the swarm of butterflies in your stomach went wild and let loose. That physical connection, however brief, your impetus.

You liked him. In fact, you loved him. All your heartfelt thoughts and feelings spilled out, every last detail you loved about him put on display in the empty classroom.

His fingers, and his expression, froze.

You continued.

The more you spoke of him, the more confidence ballooned in your chest. A smile slowly crept onto your mouth, and you managed to wrench your eyes up to match Ace's.

"I must be really lucky, having someone like you by my side."

"... Hah?" Ace stole away the cherry pie. Jutting his chin out, he adopted a smug look—but failed to disguise the initial stutter to his response. “O-Of course you’d be into me. Duh, who wouldn’t be? Can't exactly fault ya. I'm some pretty hot stuff--I'm cheerful, funny, loyal, and super humble. I'm basically the perfect package!"

Lifting a hand, he lightly flicked you on the forehead. "I know you're madly in love with me and can't bear to be apart, but geez, don't go and say sappy stuff like that! You're seriously no shame and all cheese."

"I don't care," you laughed, taking his biting remarks in stride. You landed a punch on his arm. "I know teasing people like that is your love language."

"H-Hey, don't just go and assume..."

"I love you, Ace Trappola! With my whole heart!"

"... Ah."

Warmth blossomed from the mark stamped on his face. Its origin point, where you had laid your lips. His own mouth, and all the sass that flowed from it, silenced.

Your hearts skipped in unison as you beheld one another. The moment, magical.

Ace broke your gaze and quickly looked away.

Time seemed to stand still, letting loose of its hold only when he next spoke.

“………………………. You beat me to saying it,” Ace muttered. A coquettish pink had bloomed upon his cheeks. “It’s cool to have you around. Maybe… we could hang out even more. Not as friends, but as something more.”

His eyes—the very ones you loved—returned to you, bolder and more bright than ever before.

“… What do you say? Be my partner in crime?”

[girlwifteef]

"The Real RomCom" Kirk Hammett x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and your friend dragged you to a lame party that you didn't want to go to and you end up meeting Kirk through that mutual friend. (Yes, this will be a series) (not my GIF)!

TW: Alcohol, hints of drug abuse, and language.

1984-85 Kirk Hammett

"Hmm, no." You said as you walked away from your roommate, who just so happens to be your best friend. She had asked you to come with her to a house party. She claims that her friend had gone away for awhile and she didn't want to go alone. You didn't know this person, why should you care?

"WHAT?" Your friend exclaimed at the audacity, you apparently had, when you said no. "What do you mean 'no'? Don't you have any love for me, Y/N?" Oh, here we go, you thought.

Your best friend was really the only person you felt that you could be blatantly honest with. With anyone else, you felt that you needed to conceal. If someone was being annoying you would just slowly shift away from the conversation. But with her, you could tell her to fuck off and she will for about 2 minutes and come right back with a movie in her hand for you both to watch and forget about the dumb argument. Whatever the case maybe, she's someone you can trust, though, it's obvious that she's the extrovert in your guy's friendship. Which doesn't bother you much, until she wants to take you somewhere you know you wouldn't enjoy at all. I mean, your best friend should know that you don't like party's and here she was trying to convince you to go to one. Your idea of "fun" was a little different to her definition to put it that way.

"Beck, of course I love you, but I'm not about to get out of my joggers and sweater to go to some dumbass party." You stated firmly while going back to watch "The Golden Girls" that was play on the T.V. She was not about to stop your binge watching for someone you didn't know, you thought. You chuckled as a funny scene was about to unfold and the T.V. turns off. Pissed, you slowly turn to scowl at Beck as you see the remote for the T.V. in her hand. "That wasn't very cool of you, dude." You said holding back your anger to see if your friend would explode on you first. Most of the time, you were right with that prediction.

"You know what isn't cool? You not wanting to meet new people!" Beck said raising her voice a little bit. In this case, you were semi right.

"Wh- can you blame me? People are scary and unpredictable!" You said in retaliation seemingly loosing the argument. "Plus, what if I make a fool of myself and end up drunk?" You asked. This was a real concern for you because, unlike Beck, you didn't want to wake up in the nearby ditch and stagger your way home. Where was her other friend having the house party anyway? Even worse, you wouldn't know where you would be, how far you could be from your home, and if you did get really dressed up there was no way of making it home safely in heels. Assuming that the party would end at 4 am. Well, that's what time you'd imagine it would end. You've only been to less than ten house party's, not including birthdays. You would probably be a nervous wreck the entire time as well because of the anxiety you face, you're bouncing your leg as you're talking to-

"Y/N!" Beck yelled getting your attention. "Damn girl, you've gotta get that 'zoning out' thing under control if you're gonna go with me." You looked at her confused.

"Who said I was going?" You asked a little surprised that she didn't listen to your concerns.

"I did, dumb dumb. You can borrow one of my dresses-"

"HELL. NO." You interrupted already knowing what she was trying to do. "You only own dresses that show half your ass, Beck! I'll stick with my sweats, thanks." You said pointing down to your legs as you propped them up on the coffee table.

"How rude! Mine only show a quarter! Just a peak!" Beck yelled as you walked to your room. "There will also be food there!" She stated loudly from the living room.

"Really?" You said peaking your head out confirming that you didn't miss heard her, Beck nodded with a shit eating grin plastered on her face, knowing that she had won the argument this time. Well, I guess I'm going, you thought as you closed the door. I mean, for food, you'll do anything.

"Does that mean you'll come with me?" Beck asked through the wood of the closed door.

You winced, "Yes." Cringing at your answer as you hear your roommate quite literally jump for joy; it made you laugh at her.

"Yay! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Y/N!" She squealed.

"So are you going to tell me what time we should get there or...?" You said trailing off, waiting for her to finish your sentence.

"Oh yeah, it's later on tonight." She said not think twice as she walked to her room. "I'm also gonna model for you so get out here and judge me!" Beck demanded.

You groaned, reluctantly walking out of your room knowing every dress is going to be the same thing but just a different color. "Do a have to?" You asked already knowing the answer.

"Yes! I want to look nice tonight because I was told my ex was gonna be there. I want him to see how he made a terrible mistake of letting me go. So, stop being a baby and get your ass out here!" She said as the imaginary devilish horns started to grow from her head. You, again, reluctantly walk over to your couch and plopped down already wanting this "fashion show" to be over.

Later on that night:

You and Beck had finished getting ready and headed to her car. You wore your signature tight blue jeans, an Iron Maiden t-shirt, boots, and a dark blue denim jacket. Beck, on the the other hand, had made you pick a dress for her from the "fashion show" earlier. She showed off a satin blue one, then pink, and a sparkly black one. You chose the black one and she thanked you for picking the black one because she wanted to match with you. Not to mention the blood red pumps she's been wanting to wear for months now. "Beck, can't I drive us?" You asked her pleadingly to save yourself from her erratic driving style. You loved Beck but god was it terrifying to see how useless the cops seemed to you. Let's just say she deserves a lot of "traffic violations" of any sort.

"Oh come on, you love my driving." She stated flipping her straitened hair as you both walked to her red 1970 something Porsche. You gave a long sigh, praying to whatever god that could hear you; to not let them die because of Beck and her fast and pretty car. "You don't even know where my friend's place is, Y/N." Beck said in a matter of fact way.

You sighed heavily again knowing she was right and accepting defeat for the second time today. "Who is this amazing friend that you have anyway? That is just soooo much more important than my comfort." You asked with an enormous amounts of sarcasm leaving you as Beck turned on the car and cranked the radio. Black Sabbath started to play loudly.

Beck rolled her eyes as she pulled out of your guy's garage and looked over at you briefly, "It's a surprise." She said simply, thinking that was the end of the conversation.

"A surprise?" You scoffed, "I don't know where we're going, we're probably going to die before we even get there because of your driving, and now I don't know if there will be a serial killer there as well." You listed very paranoidly at Beck who was giving you a look that made you feel like a crazy person. Funny, the song Paranoid had started.

"Do you really think I would be friends with a serial killer?" Beck asked offended.

"Well I don't know! You seem to make friends everywhere you go, I just assumed!" You defended.

"Well you assumed wrong! He's in a band!" Beck gasped trying not to give away any more information about her mystery friend. "Look, you'll like him I know it, well I think you'll like a lot of people there." She said giving a reassuring smile although from your point of view it looked like she was plotting something mischievous. You looked away from your best friend and grimaced at the thought of her setting you up with someone. While Beck still had a smile on her face, she pulled onto the lawn of the loud house that was blaring music and filled with people.

"Huh, you think were at the right house?" You said turning to Beck as she turned off the car raising an eyebrow.

Beck started to laugh, "Nope, we better drive around the block to make sure." She responded cackling loudly and you joined her feeling better about going to the party with your best friend by your side.

You opened the passenger door and hopped out still chuckling at Beck's joke as she started to get out and walk towards you. She locked the door and tugged her dress to cover her butt. "I told man, you're gonna be struggling with that dress the whole night." You said shaking your head at her as she stuffed her keys in her purse.

"Whatever, we're already here." Beck huffed pulling you into the house. To be honest, you didn't think it was a house, more like a mansion. Just by walking through the front door you could see all the hallways and doors the foyer had to offer at first glance. It would have been a real sight if there weren't already bottles littering every step and already, heavily, drinking individuals stumbling as you walked by. It wasn't even 10 o' clock and there were people passed out on the couch.

You were holding onto Beck's had as she slithered through the crowd and passed the speakers. Where the hell was she going? "Beck, where the hell are you taking me?" You yelled to her but thanks to the music and drunken screams, neither of you had any hearing left. She had pulled you up the grand staircase and into a second living room by a big window. Seriously? Who needs a second living room? "Are we meeting the rich rich class? You should have told me, I would have worn something more presentable!" You said to Beck finally being able to hear you over the loud but awesome music.

"No, silly! You'll see!" She said still being mysterious.

You huffed, "Seriously, Beck, tell me what I'm doing her-" You froze dead in your tracks at who you were looking at. Well, now staring at the males sitting on the couches trying to hold your breath as you hoped it wasn't a dream. Metallica was not sitting right in front of you, it wasn't true. You couldn't believe it. You turned to Beck as she ran up to her friend, who she was most likely talking about the entire night.

"KIRK! YOU'RE BACK!" She yelled running into his arms for a tight hug as you stood there stupidly. He hugged her back and they laughed, I guess they were really good friends, you thought as Kirk put her back down.

"Holy shit, Beck! We were gone for so long but it was so fucking rad!" Kirk gushed missing his old friend.

"I know you dick! You didn't take me with you!" Beck said scolding him playfully making Kirk laugh. Huh, you thought his smile was even cuter in person then on MTV. Not that you would ever voice that opinion.

Finally stepping back to include you, she pulled you next to her and patted you on the head. "This little lady right here is my best friend, Y/N Y/L/N." Beck said as you swatted her hand away feeling the heat on your cheeks. You didn't consider yourself short or tall, you liked your height but your best friend was making you self-conscious.

"H-Hi, it's really nice to meet you." You said stretching out your hand struggling to make eye contact with the very handsome individual in front of you. You gazed up at him waiting for him to respond and a offered a soft smile.

He looked into your eyes and smiled widely admiring Y/E/C taking your hand, "L-likewise, Y/N." Kirk said breathlessly. He then softly let go of your hand and glanced at Beck then back to you, "You guys wanna see everybody?" It was almost like he was asking you more than Beck, who had answered with "Hell yeah!" then ran over to greet the bandmembers leaving you by yourself with Kirk Hammett.

"I don't want to take up your time." You smiled slightly at the guitarist hoping you were wrong for saying that.

"You're not, sweetheart. I promise" Kirk reassured you as he lead you over to were they were all sitting by holding his hand on you lower back. "Hey guys, this is, Y/N." Kirk stated keeping his hand on your back. You gave a small wave and smiled to James and Cliff as Beck was laughing it up with Lars. He had looked up to see who Kirk was talking about. Lars bounced up to his feet to shake your hand. You weren't very ready for his energy but accepted his hand as Kirk dropped his hand back to his side.

"Welcome in, Y/N! Beck's your friend right?" He asked grasping exactly who you were.

"Yup! That's me." You stated glancing over to Beck giving you a thumbs up for interacting with people other than her.

"She said you have a little social anxiety, right?" Lars asked oblivious to the sudden drop in expression on your face as he stated an insecurity of yours. You knew he was a straight-up guy but damn, you didn't know you'd be called out on at a party you didn't even want to go to anyway. So, instead of voicing your feelings, you simply nodded your head. Lars then quickly put his arm over your shoulder and dragged you away from your friend and Kirk to get drinks, "Well, I know one thing that can solve your problem, Y/N!" He yelled practically running down the stairs and flew threw the crowd on the first floor. "Hard liquor!" Lars yelled over the still blaring music and waving "jazz hands" over the Jameson in an ice bucket.

You had to ask yourself who was driving home and what will happen to you and Beck if something goes wrong. You looked at the Irish Whiskey and then looked at Lars. Your mind clouded with worries and doubts making the reason to drink make more sense. "Fuck it."

END OF PART 1

A/N: Bro. Don't ask me why I love writing about them pre-black album okay? In my opinion they fell off but to each their own. I don't know how long I want to make this one, I was thinking about doing one shots later on with different bands. I really don't know though, lmk what you think of this first after you read and I'll look into my schedule >:). ANNOUNCEMENT!!!111!!!!!1!

I do indeed do my research on characters, so if you'd like me to write about any character that you find "interesting", if you catch my drift, I will happily write for you. Just go into my profile and ask away at the top!

Okay, okay, I done rambling! I hoped you liked the start of the new series, that's all from me today! Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon ;) <3

[warcats-cat]

*materializes into existence*

Hey, my wonderful moot :D

(if this is a duplicate, ignore it; wifi is picky, so idk if it sent already or nah)

I heard you felt lonely, so I got summoned cause I am your MOOT and I care goddamnit. All the affections for you (/p).

I saw ya like FNAF (specifically Sun & Moon's lines in Help Wanted 2), so: what was your fav lines from the Daycare Jesters? I call them that cause, ya know, the sillies.

Also: I don't remember well, but I think you also like Sanders Sides (correct me if I'm wrong). If ya do, have you seen the newest Asides? If so, I wanna hear about your fav parts. The funnies, the 'lore' (angst) parts, any sort of theories, or even just gushing about your fav pairings or characters.

Infodump about whatever!! I love hearing ya thoughts on things and such <3

Lastly: moths. I fuckin love moths. And tardigrades. And spiders and beetles and- okay, so I just really love bugs and insects.

✨moths✨

Anyway, have a good day and hope this helps the loneliness not be so lonely :D

Hewwo Oatmeal Friend! I love you too 💜💜

I have to say my favorite lines are the new lines for Sun's arts and crafts section because they're straight up hilarious. "I should turn the lights off myself" killed me. Someone please give this robot some Prozac and a teddy bear.

My interest in FNAF Sun/Moon is kinda the fault of Bamsara (who I won't tag because I'm not cool enough to interact with them) who has a fanfic called Solar Lunacy which is *chefs kiss* really fulfills my shameless need for x Reader content 💜 ((seriously if I could find familial TS Patton x Reader content I would print it out and hang it on my wall))

Yes the robojesters are very silly and I have to say I'm seeing the FNAF fandom leaning on the head canon that they may have not originally been child-care robots, but on-stage actors, and we're just given child-care programming later which makes me 👀 I love them being doting kiddo caretakers but also the idea of a dedicated thespian being throwing into a pile of wailing children and told to figure it out is absolutely hilarious to me.

Also yes!! I love me some Sanders Sides!! Love my boys. No one is surprised but Patton's bit with the tinier and tinier boxes absolutely was my favorite part. My parents did that when I was like ten and it started off with this GIANT box and I think there were at least six I had to go through before I found a plush of Snoopy and tickets to go to Camp Snoopy at Knott's Farm (forever salty that it was bought by Nickelodeon). I still have that plushy somewhere in my room 💜 and entire book of pressed pennies from Camp Snoopy.

Anyway I actually genuinely enjoyed the new Asides! I miss so much the original format of videos that were one-off and shorter, the conflict being self-contained and generally light hearted. And the interaction between Logan and Virgil was so adorable 💜

Tell me about moths 👀 I love moths and butterflies and BEES😍 (I'm lame, my favorites are the Lunar moth and the Rosey Maple moth. My fairy-sona's outfit is themed to a crossover of the two, though it was more lunar moth like when I first put it together. It's evolved a lot over the years.) Spiders and I have a love-hate relationship rn; the fuzzy ones make me want to cry (pos) and the spindly ones make me want to cry (neg). There's a colony of tiny spindly ladies living in my basement bathroom that I don't know how they got there and I don't know how they keep reproducing because there are no bugs down there.

I don't know what a tardigrade is .....

[miss-bluerose]

TDI23 Season 2 ep 1 thoughts and theories. Spoilers ahead.

*I did see the earlier leak of the teams and first boot btw*

Chris is bonkers as usual and Chef is pretty much the same so far. I expect that to change if my theories about Lauren are right.

The opening being the exact same as last time bugs me a little bit but I guess they are avoiding spoilers that way so meh.

The team names are pretty lame tbh but whatever.

I liked the challenge for the most part and how everyone got to compete. Axe Hatchet is a total badass and I wouldn't mind seeing her again. 10/10 side character.

I feel bad for Sally, Chris is such a turd.

I'm on the fence about the elimination. More on that down below.

Now onto the contestants:

Team Rat Face

Priya:

She's the only winner of season one which I didn't fully expect but it makes sense given her storyline and her parents are insane. Especially her dad, my god. She's an official team leader and is still holding a grudge against Ripper lol. Her concern over Millie in the challenge was sweet. I hope she goes far again and learns to stand up for herself against her parents.

Millie:

Her sassing Bowie was funny to me but she didn't read Priya's Total Drama guidebook and tried way too hard in the first challenge. It kinda seems like she didn't want to come back or something. I hope she reads the guide before she gets eliminated early on like so many people are saying.

Emma:

I'm glad she broke up with Chase but they need to STAY BROKEN UP. Her giving Nichelle the cold shoulder was really mean and a little unexpected. It seems like her and Bowie aren't speaking to each other and I'm curious to see how that plays out. Not sure where she'll place, maybe in the middle?

Caleb:

Seems like he's trying to be strategic instead of villainous so far and struggling a little bit thanks to Millie. I hope he doesn't hurt Priya in some way. It's nice to see him getting more lines and screentime. He'll probably go far.

Damien:

I didn't expect him to still be a scaredy cat after what he said last season. If he doesn't change for the better soon I'm going to be extremely disappointed. No idea where he will place.

Axel:

She says that she's going to try to be nicer this time but I have my doubts and Ripper seems to be the exception lol. She might go far or she might go early again for being hot-headed.

Zee:

My favourite of season one is back and a soda influencer now which I didn't see coming. I really hope it doesn't get him eliminated early like it did in the challenge which was total crap. His soda was "moving" but he wasn't so he should have been fine. I would also like to see him interact with Priya more because I kinda ship them a bit. Both of his closest friends are on the other team so it could happen. I hope he goes far.

Nichelle:

She trained in the offseason and it paid off! I think she'll go far as long as it doesn't go to her head.

Team Skunk Butt

Bowie:

The other official team leader. His sass towards Chase was great but I thought it was weird that he picked him for his team. A lot of the cast is mad at him for last season and with that half-hearted apology, he seems to be digging himself into a deeper hole. His romance with Raj is still sweet and I hope it stays that way. I personally think he'll get booted early.

Raj:

I don't know if he'll go early or later but I think he'll help Emma and Bowie become friends again at the very least.

Wayne:

I would like him to go farther I think but I don't know what storyline he could have if he does. Might be an early boot unfortunately.

Julia:

Her and MK suddenly getting along is super weird and I fully expect one to backstab the other. I was impressed how she took Emma out of the challenge though. Another middle boot?

Chase:

Still dumb and still over confident. I could see him going early just for that and not listening to Bowie during challenges.

MK:

Seems to be on friendly terms with Julia but I think it's an act and she's going to backstab her at some point. Has an idea for the extra intern uniform and her hitching a ride on Caleb's back during the challenge was funny. She might go really far this time.

Lauren/Scary Girl:

Her new outfit is so weird but points for trying to fit in. Her scaring Bowie early on was kinda funny but her elimination was dumb. I don't know what Chef was going to say to her but her speech felt kinda forced and her team forgetting that she's a powerhouse when focused bothers me. I get why they did but still. Plus now they're on her bad side after voting her off. I fully expect her to be living in the woods and giggling in the middle of the night just to mess with them. She could also sabotage challenges somehow and be a genuine threat for everyone on the island. It'd be great to see Chris legitimately be afraid of her and her antics, he hasn't had that reaction to someone in a while. I'm excited to see more of her!

Ripper:

He was friendly to Axel at first, didn't fart at all and knew who Axe Hachet was. Was still rude to the acting team leader but he seems to be a bit better than last season so far. Could stick around a while?

And that's everyone! All of the episodes might come out at once tomorrow like they did in April so if I do another post like this, it'll be after I finish the season. Thanks for reading!

TLDR; I'm rooting for Zee and Priya the most and for them to have more interactions! 👀👍😁

[theygotlost]

What do you think of the Hitchhiker’s Guide movie?

My dad really likes it (I think I remember him saying he likes it more than the book) but I don’t care for it and it is a matter of debate for us

well i just finished rewatching it just now so here's all my thoughts fresh out of the oven!

I don't like it. it's bad and not good. at best it's just mediocre. I hateeeeee that they forced an arthur/trillian romance its so annoying and insufferable and NOTHING. ITS SO LAME. especially cause trillian also became a damsel in distress and I just had to roll my eyes back into my head.

ig the book didn't have enough content to adapt into a feature film so they added an entirely original midsection with that creepy guy named kamala harris or whatever his name was and the entire time i was just like uhhh wtf is happening and why are we here. as a result the ending feels pretty rushed to me.

there were a couple of new additions that I thought weren't half bad though. like the flyswatters on the vogon planet that slap you every time you think for yourself and marvin using the point of view gun to give the vogon army acute depression. those were pretty good.

and who the hell cast this movie? zooey deschanel as trillian sucked ass. I don't like her or her scary blue eyes or her lackadaisical #californiagurl performance. mos def is also a terrible actor and not a convincing ford at all. martin freeman at least has the appropriate depressed british white man vibes to be arthur but i hate looking at his face cause it just reminds me of sherlock.

zaphod is the one I have the most to say about. I actually do like sam rockwell's zaphod because he looks the part and is appropriately sleazy. and I liked his outfits and accessories (though imo there was too much black and I would have preferred more bright colors and patterns). I especially love his combo of nail polish and this little gold chain thingy on his hand. just a nice lil slutty detail.

I'm completely baffled by his choice of a southern american accent though, where'd that come from? is it supposed to be like a bill clinton hillbilly president type deal or something?

and of course there's the elephant in the room regarding his heads. oh christ almighty how I hate the way they handled his second head. I get that it would have been harder to pull off the normal 2 heads side by side in a convincing way for the entire movie (its 2005 and the cgi in this movie looks fake as shit), but good lord every time his second head popped up from below seriously made me want to retch. its sickening to look at and sickening to think about and it's just way more awkward than the more straightforward solution. I also think it's strange that the movie added an explanation that zaphod created the second head during his campaign to store all his uncharismatic traits??? why can't he just be an alien with 2 heads??? I ALSO seriously hate how the other head is all CRAZYYYYYY AND WEIRDDDD AND INSANEEE ASYLUMMMMMM it's not funny at all it's just really hard to watch.

all these issues are kind of surprising given that douglas adams is credited as an executive producer AND screenplay writer? which is also weird since the movie was released 4 years after his death? I have no idea what the production of this movie was like and I'm afraid to find out.

[eridude]

for ship ask thing erisol arafef and (hear me out) erisolkat

YEAH YEAH YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW WHAT IM ABOUT,,,

ERISOL:

IM A HUGE ERISOL FAN. IM SORRY. I KNOW. THEY'RE JUST SO FUCKING RRRAGHHHDHEH. i like my ships absolutely pathetic failboy disaster hellpiles and eridan is the King of Being The Worst so Unfortunately i love him and yet i also hate him and also he is my brand ??? eridude or whatever... AND sollux. is my Favorite troll in the comic. im absolutely fanatical about him. and they hate each other so much and are so miserable all the time and yet they are constantly drawn right back to one another do they REALLY hate each other ??? do they??? yes but also no but also YES. they are absolutely obsessed with each other in the best way and the worst way and is it healthy maybe not but it COULD BE HEALTHY?? and maybe that's the hook??? they are such an absolute fucking mess together and i know canonically it probably would not work out but in my Mind i have invented a universe where they absolutely would work out and they're dating and it's so fucking funny ahhahaha laughs evilly and manically. kings of quadrant flipping??? kings of being Maybe Nonbinary??? eridan looks at sollux hunched over with the worst posture known to man in his fucking gamer chair and sollux looks over at eridan in the worlds gaudiest outfit being a terrible person and they are both have thoughts of "oh fuck this should not be attractive at all and YET???"

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON DOMESTIC LIVING SO HELP ME GOD.

i just really like them hee hee :3

ARAFEF:

rubs my hands together deviously. i love arafef so much guys. THEY HAVE SOME OF . THE SILLIEST PARADOX SPACE CONTENT. its so small and its still got me absolutely giggling and kicking my feet.

basically these two girls are so WEIRD and kind of terrifying and both so wonderful. it is actually heartbreaking we Don't ever get to see them really interact in main comic (the only interaction we get i believe is when aradia is a ghost and that's not even like a head on convo i think it's just aradia kind of commenting on something feferi says in alterniabound. sign. feel free to correct me if im wrong tho!!)

i love them and i think they could get up to so many shenanigans together- silly girls going on adventures together, aradia shows feferi all her cool dead stuff and feferi is like "380 !! 38) <3", watching scary movies together(these two would be so fucking into horror!!!) if sollux and eridan are lame nerds these two are the COOLEST NERDS IN EXISTENCE. like this is a couple that you would meet and be like oh my god they're awesome..and maybe they even hold hands? kiss a little? kiss a LOT even?? fall asleep in a pile together?? PERHAPS THEY SNUGGLE???

anyways i think about them a normal amount. also i love them in arasolfef (sollux deserves TWO scary girlfriends.) and arafefnep? catfishbones maybe?? nepeta has such a cute relationship with both of these girls so methinks they deserve to all kiss :3.

ERISOLKAT:

BACK TO ERISOL. BUT THIS TIME. KARKAT. so obviously all of the erisol stuff still holds true for this but somehow adding karkat to the mix makes it all so much more domestic? i think maybe it's because karkat has the NEED to take care of his friends and these two both need a lot of attention. it just all balances out so perfectly imo. and all of these characters have such interesting relationships with each other and it is all genuinely so sweet. and yet they're all such gripe-y whiney assholes so it's baffling that it SHOULD be as sweet as it is.

maybe im biased cause some of my favorite fluff fanfics i've read for hs were erisolkat. but heyyyy. anyways i love these horrible creatures and i think all of them holding hands is a Fantastic fucking idea.

[your-local-uwu-artist]

wip dump :3

evil art style! my art style has quite a lot of range but I decided to default to chibis for this. I also didn't want to like, just draw one character bust up like i see most people do for it, so I wanted to come up with a way to show multiple characters on one page in an appealing manner

sonic drawing practice! I've been procrastinating this one because the lineart I've done so far on it is almost too good. I'm not sure If i can keep up the standard set

jame-joe doodles! really wanna keep developing this concept: I think it has decent potential! i don't remember how much I've shared about him but i don't think i've talked about it much beyond the base premise. Jame-Joe is inspired by characters like Dipper and Wirt, he's clever, is serious and studious in the pursuit of his goals, can be rather emotional and is prone to cowardice and insecurity, but can be determined when push comes to shove. I set myself up for a challenge here, as I want him to be expressive but limited by his doll body. It's a fun challenge though!

more 'i should start an etsy' drawings. i've seen people make like 'gacha blind bag' keychains and thought of the idea of those with aimaina-chan designs!

fdanfsdjk I almost feel bad for spoiling this one because I'm so excited to share it!!!! But i guess the sorta person to read through this post probably don't mind spoilers lol. I realized 'Timmy's a 2000s kid' and decided to go ALL IN on that. I dug deep into my memories and decided this kids going to need rainbow looms, slap-wraps, silly bandz, and those rubbery braclets where theres one white segment and one black segment and i have no clue if this is true but when i was a kid everyone always said the white segment was snow from mount everest and the black one was like sand from the bottom of the ocean. anyway! I had so much trouble wiht finding the right shade of pink that if i go trhough making a youtube video on these designs you guys will definitely here my color theory rant.

my main goal i can only describe as 'arcade carpet'

he thinks he's cool but knows he's lame. I gave him a fnaf shirt also, i dived deep into my brain as asked myself 'what graphic t-shirt from hot-topic would timmy turner wear' and i decided on fnaf because i think it's funny. so far these extra outfits have been going up in the amount of projection I'm doing. It started with spongebob's sweater vests, continued with Dannys stereotypical-transmasc fits, and now I'm lowkey just drawing stuff I've worn (actually danny's fit with the flannel I've def worn before but like, i assigned timmy a sanrio character(i gave him keropi because it's an easy way to incorporate green accents into his design lol)) anyway!!!

i had 'i want it that way' stuck in my head again and turned to queeries he proceded to give me the solution of chipi-chipi-chapa-chapa. this was not a solution obviously but whatever. i decided to use my new problem to animate myself dancing. sure. why not. if I upload this to youtube i think i should title it 'me at the function' of course i don't actually go to any functions so perhaps 'me when i' would be more fitting

Haku with his starter! the shy kid to eccentric adult pipeline

more of baby Haku! weird part-mimikyu child wandering alola before discovering ghost-type communities and being like 'finally! someone that doesn't look at me weird when i mention demonic possesion!'

with the timeline I'm going with Haku's younger than Acerola so she's like a big sister to them :3

He stares at you with his big ol eyes awkwardly lowkey steals your malasada and gives you a flower in return

rf4 art!!! I love rune factory enough that I own a throw pillow with vishnal on it >:3

frey my fucking beloved!!!!!! lest is here too also. btw frey is a demigirl and lest is a demiboy this is true you can trust me

sketch design for one of those cd keychains with alvin and the chipmunks!

I plan to caption this '1k notes and I voice+animate my yumehoshi beam' as a bit, not because i want 1k notes, but because 99% chance it won't get 1k notes, but if it does then it'd be a really funny way to break my shyness with sharing my voice to the internet

smurtsune miku smurf my BELOVED

need more character for this btw!

[straightyuri]

Coughing I feel like rambling uhm. Thinking abt uh house of the lucky gander. The episode is fine its ok. But I like imagining what it would be like in my perfect world. MY not really dt17 but kind of gladstone episode. I would start from scratch but keep the general important wider story stuff of Louie realizing gladstone isn't the idealized version in his head cuz that's like. Important. Cuz the other kids realize that woth other characters they look up to. Yes. I think gladstone should've been meaner to Donald tbh. Niceys to the kids though. I didn't like gladstone snapping at Louie idk that's a personal thing. Belief he shouldn't be directly mean to the kids. But that's just me. Like I dunnooooo i think Louie realizing gladstone is kind of an ass to Donald would be better cuz gladstone mostly just. He used Donald slightly but for good reason n then. Tried leaving but what's he supposed to do tbh. Not horribly mean just the kind of condescending thing he does. Anyway uhhmmm.

Set up would be like the family goes on an adventure nnn gladstone is there:) yay! It's gladstone! Guh. I know I used to have an idea of what the plot would be (I've thought abt this before) but I forgot. It ws something with golf as a reference to several golf stories. Yknow. If the world is whatever I want it to be I'd just mix it with the concept of the golf episode. because ☝ I would still keep gladstone being in some sort of danger but not have him calling them or being aware of the danger until it starts happening cuz it makes him act weird if he knows. I need unrestrained gooseness. Mixing it with the golf episode also works cuz i fucking love 1 billion superstitions believer gladstone n pulling it a little further of him having some sort of interest in the supernatural. Its a pretty consistent trait he has. I will always love the start of a comic where he holds Donald down to tell him his(gladstone) horoscope. Funny animal. UHMMM Donald would save the day n Louie would have like a similar thing where he realizes his uncle is cooler than thought n gladstone is a little lame but we still love family #family.

[aprofessionalwithoutstandards]

this is the saxton hale guy from the other day again, i just want to pop my head back in and say i woobify him sometimes ‘cause i think it’s hilarious not because i actually think that way . i have other thoughts i just committed to the bit and then went. wait i hope nobody thinks i actually just think saxton is a sopping wet dog

Oh I don't necessarily think you think that way 100% seriously, kinda just using you as a jumping-off point to talk lmao. I DO think that for lack of a better term "woobifying" a character like fucking Saxton Hale IS extremely funny. However like. it's 2023. "pathetic babygirl sopping wet dog" is extremely in. The joke Can and may snowball and just become like. people's default characterization of Hale and then it's not really funny anymore. Like on paper the idea of Medic tf2 being a petite soft boy with big anime eyes who needs "protecc" is hilarious. It's the funniest thing I could ever conceive of. However when that kinda became like. the way that "the fandom" (on Tumblr at least) would portray Medic it kinda loses whatever was funny about it in the first place. Basically I think we should totally have lame ass loserboy Saxton Hale content IN MODERATION, if for every Kicked Puppy Hale post I get to see him punch an ape with his huge muscles

[aquilaaktuk]

deathstar puss in boots last wish au? deathstar puss in boots last wish au.

hastily doodled in a starbucks and everything. theres like way more tho

’why is this written like a shitpo-’ I WRITE LIKE I THINK AND HOW I THINK MADE ONE OF MY TEACHERS PUT ME IN LEARNING ENHANCEMENT IM NOT KIDDING

anyway i had an idea for this but it came to me at 6am after i just woke up so it’s probably REALLY eh. anyway kid is death because thats like the logical jump and blackstar is puss and tsubaki is kitty but not romantically involved at all because tsustar is. vile. anyway, they’re cat robin-hoods, steal from the rich give to the poor. one day blackstar steals something thats supposed to grant immortality and he’s like “theres no way this is real but lemme test it out anyway for personal reasons.” and then it ends up being real. and he’s totally chilling with that because this could be his shot at surpassing god ‘cept death and death jr are not okay with that at all and he looses in a really funny way to dtk and gets pretty pissed. his day is ruined more when tsubaki says she’s on her last life and wants to retire and blackstar properly freaks out. in my head i steal from the sandman a little and the thompsons are two regular twins who got killed during a robbery gone wrong and then get the chance to keep ‘living’ as presumably servants of death and they’re like ‘yeah sure whatever’ and then get passed off to his neurotic nervous wreck of a son and then also belatedly realise theyre ravens and definitely not human. they chill though theyre his literal wing-sisters. *flicks wrist*

anyway because big daddy death is totally not chill with the idea of immortal cats wandering around he tells dtk to go and Git Him because its good training for when he succeeds him or whatever. anyway dtk goes and tries to do that and even though every time they fight he absolutely claps blackstar, b*star always gets away and its getting kinda really frustrating, so he just watches him trying to find a moment where his guard is down enough for a quick stab n go. doesnt really happen instead he just gets feelings which is really gay and lame of him everyone point and laugh. anyway eventually he goes from ‘i must kill this guy because dad said so’ to ‘i wanna be his friend and maybe also kiss him idk’ hes not very good at emotions. its just as well the thompsons are there. anyway eventually theyre on speaking terms and after much preamble they have a lil heart to heart and its very sweet.

i imagine if ass*star was a cat he’d be a maine coon not because they’re large or particularly menacing, but because theyre one of the few breeds with enough fur to maintain that absolutely batshit hairstyle that hes got going

anway kid is like totally freaking out because big daddy death told him to go and kill this guy and he’s absolutely not done that at all, in fact he’s done the polar opposite and romanced him instead so they’re running around trying to figure out what to do and liz is like ‘dude your dad would kill and die for you why not just be out with it’ so they do that and lo and behold, big daddy death is like. totally chill about it.

anyway death dies and that really sucks but i also havent thought up to that point, all i know is that ass*star wont be allowed to run around like that forever and hes definitely not off the hook for becoming some fucked up god of accidentally gaining immortality. 

‘but what about the lines of sa-’ i dont care. 

[arminsumi]

The Detectives

Oneshot / E. Jaeger

"Sweets..." Eren called sarcastically, looking directly at you, hands still on the steering wheel.

"Let's at least solve this murder case before we start one ourselves." He said.

Summary;

You and Eren are both detectives; your superiors, Hange and Levi, decided that despite your turbulent relationship, you work incredibly well together.

Your lack of seriousness to the case and bubbly + nympho personality vexes Eren.

To make things worse, Mikasa now holds a grudge against you. Topping it all off, Eren pried your intimate grip off of his best friend, Armin.

Let's see if two detectives can solve a murder case when they're well on their way to creating a new one themselves.

Cws; Profanity, mentions murder (I mean... obviously, you're detectives), a bit typical and cheesy at times

"Still wracking your brain at this hour?"

Reiner's voice gently rumbled into your ears, stealing your attention from your puzzling evidence documents.

You shrugged and smiled lamely in response.

Leaning against the wall of your cubicle, Reiner shook his head at you, "Everyone else got off work ages ago; you ought to take rest, too, you've been working too hard."

"Ah, you're right." You sighed, slapping closed the document folder that was previously spread out on your desk.

You stretched and groaned whimsically; it was a habit you'd formed, to play with the boy's ears.

Reiner took up small talk with you while you lackadaisically cleaned up your desk.

"Is it still looking bleak?" He asked, regarding the investigation.

"Yeah, it sure is. So far nothing makes sense." You sighed. "It would be great if I had a partner to work with." You said loud enough for Eren to hear.

There was a bout of silence wherein you expected Eren to respond or even look over at you from his little cubicle. You dramatically clicked your tongue after there was a response of silence from Eren.

Reiner was still leaning against the cubicle wall, pressing out a smile between his lips.

You surrendered to the messiness of your desk and strapped your handbag over your shoulder.

"Ah, chipped already?" You observed your freshly chipped red nails, "Eren," You called to him cheekily, and he lifted his gaze from his own documents, "If I solve this case all by myself, you're going to pay for my pedicure."

"Mhm." He hummed disinterestedly, returning his gaze right back to his documents.

Eren wasn't the type to joke or goof around, just like Mika.

They would have been great partners on this case, you thought...

Ah, why did you have to do this to us, Hange?

One week ago

Levi was against the idea, but Hange persisted.

"They'll get it done. I know them, alright? Ah, come on, Levi, put some trust in them, will you."

He tsked, arms folded and eyes narrowed, "They're going to create a whole new murder case. Have you ever seen them getting along? I haven't. This gamble of yours feels reminiscent of Erwin."

"Really?" Hange smiled, "I guess I'm taking after him."

"It's funny now, Hange, but give it a week and you'll see the detriment."

Hange wasn't really listening to Levi anymore; they were peering through the blinds of their office window, straining their ears to overhear whatever it was that you and Eren were arguing about by the water cooler.

He was giving his unwanted opinion of your nympho lifestyle, as he often did. Everyone else's lifestyles didn't get policed by him, but when it came to you, he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Levi and Hange looked at each other and listened to you and Eren go at it.

"God damn you!" You were yelling at Eren now.

Levi shook his head and heaved a tremendous sigh, then rose from his hunched sitting position on Hange's desk.

" 'Put some trust in them', huh?" He sighed. Hange's lips pursed together.

Present-day

You stopped your steps a few meters away from the bakey.

"We're wasting our time here." You said, eyes squinting at the dangling sign above.

"We're investigating, Y/n; this is our job." Eren said flatly, "But I know," He continued sarcastically, "You'd rather be sucking your promotion out of Levi."

You quickly snapped at him, "Ah fucking hell! I was just joking, you damn crow!"

"Anyways," Eren added, ignoring your insult entirely, "The owner here knew our guy. I'm sure we can shake something out of him."

The hem of Eren's black coat scraped the sidewalk concrete as he headed inside the brightly-lit bakery. You watched after him, rubbing your tongue into your cheek, bathing in the annoying atmosphere that he stirred.

"Ah, God damn... fine." You groaned under your breath, then followed in his steps.

You took a stand besides Eren's imposing frame, feeling like a child tagging along rather than his partner. Upon taking a deep inhale and looking around, the atmosphere of the bakery replaced the annoyance that Eren has previously stirred. Both the neutral-earthy tones of the bakery's palette and its enticing fresh bread scent acted as a balm to your nerves.

"Smells good." You commented under your breath, flitting your eyes around.

Eren headed for the paying counter to speak with the employee about talking to the owner, but you were unbothered and wandered over to the bakery's beaming display case. Golden pastries and breads were neatly tucked into place, begging for you to give in and buy them all.

By the time Eren regrouped with you, you had bought two soot-black coffees and overly-sweet pastries to pair with it. He gave you a disappointed frown, then took a seat with you at a secluded table.

"Well?" You looked at him expectantly.

He focused his eyes into his coffee as if it had answers to the case swimming within the blackness.

After a bout of his analytical silence, you spoke up again.

"Oh, does the coffee know the killer?" You attempted a joke.

Eren ignored this and then said, "I asked to see the owner. He should be coming soon."

You laughed. Eren knew why. He let out an exasperated sound and quietly finished his coffee.

In order to annoy him to the fullest, you decided to recede back into your serious detective persona when the owner came out the back-end of the bakery.

You extended your hand and formally introduced yourself to him.

"Did you know him well?" You asked, among other typical questions.

It seemed that he was evading giving you valuable answers.

Although you were praised for being a gentle-spoken person by your friends at the office, it was times like this where you realized it was more detrimental than beneficial.

Eren stepped in, firm voice filling the air, "She didn't ask you for your life story, she asked if you knew him; did you? Was he a friend? A regular customer?"

When the owner started blubbering, Eren gave a flat look and spoke, "Do you think we're here to waste your time? That would be wasting our time, too, and our time is far more precious than yours."

The owner finally opened up, informing you two that the victim was merely a regular customer who acted awfully rude to him.

You could tell that further attempts to press the owner were futile efforts, so you subtly urged that the two of you leave.

"Eren." You said, and nodded for the two of you to finally leave.

The two of you left the bakery and retreated into Eren's beat up, sticker-adorned truck. He hated this thing with a passion, and it jolted so much when on the road that you'd be jiggling around together like in a ridiculous movie scene.

It was a hot summer; the blasting aircon barely helped to cool the incessant sweat of your body.

"What are we supposed to make of that?" You whined frustratedly, kicking your legs around.

Eren glanced at you with contempt.

You muttered what the owner had disclosed as if it would cause a eureka moment, "God, everyone in this city is fucking useless." You groaned, "Who the hell murders a man while he's sleep, anyways?"

"Alright, stop bleating, you're annoying." Eren sighed.

"I'm not bleating..." You mumbled.

You closed your eyes and shimmied down the plaid seat, "And a hot CEO at that... what a crime."

Eren gave you a disgusted side-eye, so you quickly added, "Joking, I'm joking! Fuck..."

He turned the keys in the ignition; the truck rumbled to life. He began looking behind him while pulling out the parallel parking space.

It wasn't the engine's roar that brought on your eureka moment, but the flapping remnants of an advertisement flyer on the light pole.

"The docks!" You slapped the dashboard.

Eren looked over at you, halting the process of pulling out of the parking spot, "What about the docks?"

"We've got to go there." You said, "I just... feel like we should, I mean."

Eren heaved a sigh at you, "You feel like we should?" He repeated almost incredulously.

"I have a hunch." You said.

He scoffed, "You're not Armin, you can't just go off of your hunches like he does."

You drew in a deep breath and squinted over at Eren.

His manbun was deliciously sloppy, spilling out strands over his face in a way that made you want to hop on top of him and eat him up.

"Get us to the damn docks, Eren." You said again.

He succumbed and continued pulling out of the parking spot, steering into the home-time traffic that the two of you so often got held up in.

Eren's eyes were alight with the golden hour's rays. You couldn't stand the fact that he was so sorely handsome, yet so hard to get. He showed zero interest in your sexual advances, so you entirely gave up on trying further.

The whole ride to the docks you kept squeezing your thighs together tightly. You'd never have noticed, but Eren glanced over and noticed this. Something about going on aimless chases all over the city for this investigation filled him with an excitement.

Night descended, the dock's lights gleamed as you rolled to a slow halt by the cargo.

You stepped out into the 'fresh' air; it was filled with pollution, a repugnant fish-and-traffic smell wafted by, but this was as fresh as it was gonna get in a big city.

"Eren, stretch your legs a bit." You urged, adding, "Get some fresh pollution."

It was the first time that Eren's face hinted at being amused by one of your jokes. It was merely shadow of a smile drifting across his face, but it was enough to make you feel good.

You two wandered the docks, seemingly aimlessly, but your gut told you that something important was here. It was an enigmatic feeling, almost like a premonition that was struggling to reach you.

Of course, you began doubting yourself because of how Eren had put you down earlier.

"Hey," You kicked the tip of his shoe, and he paid you attention, "Why'd you have to say that earlier? I know I'm not Armin... but, you know, there's no need to make me feel even more insecure..." You trailed off.

There was a silence only occupied by the rumbling of both distant waves and city traffic.

"Sorry." He said, finally looking at you.

Your gaze rose to meet him. It was impossible to decipher anything from his deadpan.

"Sorry...? Sorry doesn't cut it. You've been an awful partner." You sighed.

Eren idled closer to you. You were excited by the slowly closing distance between the two of you. His whole feeling engulfed you, that's the only way you could describe it to yourself; he captured you in his heavy, brooding feeling.

Heavy, brooding, but somewhere there was a sultriness that both of you recognized from the very beginning of your relationship, however your denial scooped you away from embracing this.

"Have I been that bad?" He said, speaking in a low murmur.

The waves beneath the docks rippled noisily. You just stood before Eren, utterly captivated by his green eyes; sometimes, the light hit them at such a perfect angle that they seemed to glow.

"Yeah. You have. You're possibly the worst partner I've had to work with." You huffed.

"Mhm, I'm sure. You must miss working with Armin. He's easier to wrap around your finger than I am, right? Isn't that what you hate about me?"

You immediately became defensive despite knowing he was right.

When you worked with Armin a while back, you had him entirely wrapped around your finger; he hopped at your every beckon and call.

Everyone at work knew that you two were sharing more than what co-workers should be sharing, yet no one cared enough to disrupt it. Besides, they all liked you so much that they didn't want to appear rude by commenting.

Only when Eren whispered in Armin's ear about your supposed nympho lifestyle, did everything fall apart. He saw right through you, he knew you were playing with his best friend just for the fun of it.

"God damn you..." You said bitterly, then sighed, "God... never mind, I'm too tired to — fuck!" Your sentence was interrupted, and you wailed in surprise, spotting something horrific floating along the waves below the docks.

"Too tired to fuck? See, that's a good joke." Eren laughed, "A nympho being too tired to fuck..."

"No, look..." You said, pointing, voice wrung with disgust at the sight of a body; half sunk in the water by the weight of death.

"Shit." Eren sighed exasperatedly after seeing what you saw.

Within one week of the last murder, another popped up, so adding even more to yours and Eren's plate. Great, you thought.

Something about your line of work demanded humor, or else it would be so grim you'd die.

"Ah, Eren, you were wrong, see? My hunches are correct." You joked when the two of you set off down the highway, on your way back to the station to report this.

"Please shut up." He sighed. You didn't; you wanted to rub it in his face that you were right for once.

You two reached the station and Eren turned the car off.

"Armin and I would have been great together, see?" You said spitefully.

There was a judging silence that descended over you, but it barely made you regret striking up this argument.

"I'm glad I protected my best friend from you." He said.

You laughed, "You make me sound like I'm the murderer!"

Eren didn't find this amusing. You pushed him further, even though at this point you could feel the heat of his temper radiating off of him.

He drew his gaze away from the station in front of the car, then turned to face you.

"Sweets..." Eren called sarcastically, looking directly at you, hands still on the steering wheel.

"Let's at least solve this murder case before we start one ourselves." He said.

[nighthawkes]

Ok now I’m interested in boring guy. Funny little man. Shaking him in a shoe box with holes in its lid so he can breath. I noticed that some of his tagged posts shares a tag w business casual though 👀 bureaucracy as camp?? Elaborate for the peasants please

this is so exciting, okay:

Yes!! He’s definitely an office worker of some sort so he winds up in my business casual tag too sometimes. I think whatever he does, he doesn’t get paid, he just showed up one day and started working.

Bureaucracy as camp! So “camp is an aesthetic style and sensibility that regards something as appealing because of its bad taste and ironic value” (Wikipedia) is what I think of when I say "bureaucracy is camp to me."

Little business men and women dress up in their special Professional outfits and gather in groups to do special Professional things like discuss quarterly reports and client dossiers and market research findings. And they jump through hoops to impress people who’ve never had to do the work they’re doing. And they’re sending emails and memos and attending working lunches and “putting it on the company card.” And they’re all treating it sooooo seriously even though all of that shit sounds completely fake and/or pointless.

It’s that tweet that’s like “‘Business school’ sounds so made up. It’s what a kindergartner would say if you asked them where dads go all day.”

I think that American corporate professionalism and business culture is appealing because it’s lame and beyond ironic.

If you've ever seen any posts on here about resumes or office culture or adult etiquette, you'll probably know that of course officespeak and bureaucratic norms have their place in the world for a reason. They function as a common ground/language that people of different backgrounds can use to get work done cohesively (in addition to functioning as a tool of elitism/racism in a lot of ways). Theoretically though: You dress in suits to show respect for clients, coworkers, and your job. You say things like "circle back" to politely give people time to get their shit together. You participate in certain company activities to be a good sport and to build good will with your teams. And these things are valuable for the purposes they serve!

I'm obsessed with the idea of a guy who naturally and perfectly shapes himself to fit these language tools/norms and does so wholeheartedly because he thinks they're what's real. Rather than seeing norms as signifiers, he places the value on them at face value. He's not dressing in a suit to show respect or to fit in or out of a personal sense of fashion/enjoyment—he's doing it to wear a suit. And it isn't begrudging or thoughtless or anything but straightforward.

And I feel like tech bros and American corporate culture in the wake of what I generally know about 80s economic shifts have adopted this sort of serious idea that the business world is the real world. The Kendall Roy archetype. Patrick Bateman and that guy on the bus someone tweeted about who said he'd never seen American Psycho because he's too busy trading. Those types of guys.

So boring guy is like those guys but less emotionally fraught. He's not doing it for a power trip or a sense of superiority or to feed into his daddy issues (of which he has none). He's doing it just to do it.

And that's extra camp to me. The idea that the business world and anything it produces is real or more valuable than most other things—believing that—is camp to me by the Wikipedia definition. And I absolutely love projecting that onto the most bland guy imaginable.

He's no thoughts, head empty. It doesn't occur to him to have hobbies. You'd have to Sever him to give him anything close to a personality beyond "business" and even then his innie persona would just be like "hmm, I wonder if my outside personality is being as efficient as possible. Probably, since he decided to make me." and "Rewards for productivity? No thanks. I'm just here to work. I try not to keep track of metrics like that."

I also like the Merriam-Webster definition:

1. a. : something so outrageously artificial, affected, inappropriate, or out-of-date as to be considered amusing