#Leaving Abusive Relationships

[ablackwomansurvivingrape]

Cell Phone Carriers Are Putting Domestic Violence Survivors At Risk. Here's What To Know.

With a flight booked, Caitlin Eckert was ready to leave her abuser. But the morning she was set to go, she remembered they were still on the same phone plan.

The two had taken advantage of a deal earlier in their relationship — two new iPhones — which put them on a shared plan under his name. Not expecting her relationship to turn abusive (because who would?), this understandably caused her little hesitation at the time.

But now she felt terrified. What if, out of spite, he disconnected and erased her phone number, the one she’d used for 15 years as a young professional, friend and family member?

She called customer service and tried to explain her situation calmly. But no matter what she said, the response from the other end was the same: Her abuser would have to make the call or show up to the store to take her off the plan.

“At one point, I broke down and asked the stranger on the other line, ‘What do I do?’” she said. “Which, looking back, I realize was both in terms of the cell phone plan and the abuse I was experiencing.”

Unwilling to accept the options provided, Eckert went to the store in person. Her flight was in a few hours, but she knew this needed to be squared away.

At the store, three men greeted her. They asked if she was the main account holder; she said she wasn’t. “Immediately, they threw their hands up and told me that there was nothing they could do,” she said. “I remember feeling an immediate wave of defeat rush over me, as I knew that in order to emancipate myself from my abuser, I would need his active participation in the process.”

This is a far-reaching issue.

Are all phone companies like this? The short answer: It depends. “Cell phone providers have different laws and regulations dependent on the state,” said Blair Dorosh-Walther, program manager of economic empowerment at Safe Horizon, a victim assistance organization. “Unfortunately, most states do not have supportive domestic violence protections.”

Many others have confronted this predicament. In one Twitter thread, people talked about facing or learning about this issue with Verizon, AT&T and T-Mobile, the country’s three biggest carriers. The hoops to jump through are never-ending, even for survivors who are able to go through the process required by their carrier.

A Verizon Support representative replied to the Twitter thread, saying “I assure you that any domestic violence victim that receives an order from a court to assume responsibility of their wireless number, can do so without requiring authorization from the current account owner or manager.”

In response to questions from HuffPost, the company claimed, “We work very closely with survivors to make sure they can get any documentation we request, and we make sure we don’t put anyone at risk.”

T-Mobile said, in part, “T-Mobile supports the Safe Connections Act that would make [being able to sever a phone line without the consent of an abuser] a consistent federal policy. We also support domestic violence survivors where they need assistance with device ownership and service costs.” Neither carrier said policies requiring survivors to produce court orders or other documentation have been eliminated, and AT&T did not answer questions about their policies.

But going to court, let alone getting a court order, is incredibly hard and a major barrier for survivors. The time, money, evidence and resources needed can simply be too much, making laws that are supposedly “helpful” far from it.

“Often, laws supporting domestic violence survivors end up creating far more work for the survivor than the person causing harm, which may be additionally traumatizing,” Dorosh-Walther added. “Cell phone contracts are no different.”

As you can imagine, this situation ensures survivors are even more controlled by their abusers, and in multiple ways. “[It] allows the account owner to access and control to not only the call log, text exchanges, etc., but also the victim’s ‘numeric identity,’ as many friends and family members likely know how to contact this person primarily via phone,” said Rahkim Sabree, an author who specializes in financial abuse and financial trauma. “If access to the phone is lost, many of the apps that rely on two-factor authorization will lock you out because you can’t access texts, emails, etc., without your phone, including bank accounts and social media, which deepens the degree to which the victim can be controlled.”

Plus, the legal definition of abuse doesn’t cover certain forms of emotional abuse, for example, that are just as serious.

Some states are making changes, but it’s only a start. “Connecticut recently passed Jennifer’s Law that now includes coercive control … as a form of domestic violence,” said Cristina Perera, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Thriveworks in New Haven, Connecticut, who specializes in abuse and trauma. “Currently, this law is only in Connecticut and California.”

Getting out of a family plan with an abuser is difficult, but not impossible.

So what can be done?

Let’s start with what’s currently happening in terms of legislation. In July, the House of Representatives passed The Safe Connections Act, after a companion bill had already been passed in the Senate. It gives survivors the ability to remove themselves from a family phone plan without problems or fees, but has yet to be made law.

So what can someone in this situation do in the meantime? First and foremost, safety planning. “Safety planning is essential, not only for contract bifurcation, but [for] any step a survivor takes away from the person causing them harm towards physical and financial safety,” Dorosh-Walther said.

Creating this plan with someone at a domestic violence center or hotline, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, is your best bet. Otherwise, worksheets like this one can help.

Side note: If you don’t feel comfortable having the hotline in your call list at all, see if a friend can do the calling for you, or let you call from their phone. Know that the number will not appear on your bill. “Shelters and hotline numbers for those seeking help are blocked from appearing on records, so people can make contact without fear of being found out,” Perera said.

Once that’s squared away, here are some options to consider if your phone provider won’t make exceptions for safety.

Document the abuse.

As a survivor and licensed clinical social worker, Eckert recommended “documenting stalking, tracking, accessing your private and personal information, threats to cut off your phone, accessing private photos and other means of abuse through the cell phone plan.”

As much as you’re able to, take screenshots, gather medical documents, videos and notes — and of all the abuse, not just the technological stuff. This can help with obtaining court orders and, hopefully, dealing with your cell phone provider.

Talk to your abuser about getting off the plan ASAP.

“If I had known this would have been so difficult to get out of, I would have started the process of convincing my abuser to let me off the plan for months,” Eckert added. (After an incredible amount of convincing and compromise, she got her abuser to agree.)

If you can’t leave yet, but are planning to leave later, you can also consider more indirect ways of talking to your abuser. Maybe you can make an excuse about wanting a different phone or carrier, see if you can become the new account holder, say you want separate plans, or not give a reason at all.

Again, talking through your options with someone on a domestic violence hotline first is ideal.

File for a domestic violence restraining order, or DVRO.

This requires filling out some forms. In California, for example, that could start with the state’s DV-100 form to request a long-term domestic violence restraining order — but there’s a faster option available, too.

“While DV-100 is a request for a restraining order on a long-term basis, the DV-110 allows you to get a temporary restraining order quickly before your scheduled DVRO hearing is set, which can be a few months out from the date of your filing,” said Rita Mkrtchyan, a senior attorney at Oak View Law Group. She added that in California, the DV-110 will probably be signed by a judge within a few days of filing and can help you get a court order. Check the process in your state to see what your options are.

You may not be able to wait a few days to sever your phone line, though. If that’s the case, Mkrtchyan suggested submitting your filed documents to the phone carrier, even before a judge signs off on them.

“Some carriers will accept this as enough evidence to leave the phone plan without permission from the account holder. This may take some persuading, however,” she said.

It’s helpful to have a plan in place before you file for a restraining order — though a restraining order is meant to reduce your risk, some studies and surveys show there’s a chance an abuser may retaliate and break a restraining order after being served.

See if your state has a law about phone plans and domestic violence.

Look into (or ask a loved one to look into) the laws regarding phone plans and domestic violence in your state.

“In recent years, many states have passed laws allowing a judge to issue a court order directly to the phone company, as part of a protection order case, to order changes to the shared plan that is in the abuser’s name,” said Deborah J. Vagins, president and CEO of the National Network to End Domestic Violence.

She explained that this order transfers the billing to the survivor’s name and allows the survivor (and any children) to carry their phone numbers to a different plan. The NNEDV’s WomensLaw.org website has a helpful section on that, she added.

Vagins noted that “in the states where it’s authorized, [a court order to leave a shared plan] is often requested as part of the protection order process. Some states require the possibility of imminent danger before a protection order is granted, and proving that may be challenging.”

While not for everyone, and sometimes difficult to access or afford, protection orders can be good for some survivors. “By no means do I want to discourage victims from filing for a protection order and making this wireless transfer request,” Vagins said. “Protection orders can be a crucial part of a safety plan for many victims.”

Get a new phone number.

If you can give up on your phone and phone number, starting over with a new one may be the route to take. Perera said that shelters can direct survivors who choose this path to specific agencies that can provide free or affordable plans.

This is what survivor, advocate and resilience expert Jamie Wright had to do when her abuser wouldn’t help. It was a choice she didn’t want to have to make, but she’s been able to find silver linings.

“My therapist helped me reframe the loss of my phone number (which I honestly felt, at the time, my phone number was part of my identity, who I was),” she said. “She also helped me process and reframe the loss of some of my contacts as a way to clear space in my new life for new relationships [and] connections that aligned with my new life, the life I was beginning to embark on, free from violence.”

While this option may be the best one for some people, it’s okay to still be upset if you have to go this route. It will cause extra hassle, like having to email or message your new number to clients, co-workers, family and friends, but it may be worth it in the end.

Getting off of your abuser’s phone plan is harder than it should be — there’s no doubt about that. But please know you have people in your corner who want to help. You have a way out, and you deserve to feel safe.

[bonefall]

the worst parent poll made me realize just how many ppl in the fandom are willing to jump straight into abuse apologia. bc on one hand you have ppl dumbing down crow's abuse to "him just being mean" and on the other end you have ppl saying that curlfeather didnt abuse frostpaw because she sacrificed herself and frost + her siblings love her so she couldnt possibly be an abuser. truly mindboggling stuff take these serious topics away from the fandom asap.

Part of me feels like it's because many in this fandom have a feeling that if a character's actions are abusive, it means you're "not allowed" to like them. Like there's an impulse where if you liked a character, it MUST mean they weren't THAT bad, because you'd personally never like "an abuser."

As if it reflects poorly on your own morality, as a person, that you connected with An Abuser. Understood them, even. Even if it was just a character.

If it's immoral to Like Abusive Characters, of course your reaction is going to end up being abuse apologia. To enjoy something isn't logical, it's emotional, so you will get defensive about it when questioned. When you do, it's not going to be based on logic because you didn't reason yourself into that position in the first place. It's an attack on you as a person.

I feel like that's often the root of abuse apologia in this fandom, and sometimes the world at large; "If I admit that this character/person IS abusive, it means I was doing something bad by liking them, so I have to prove to everyone else that they weren't or it means I'm bad too."

And to that I say... That's a BAD impulse! Grow up and admit you resonated with a character that did a bad thing! If that's an uncomfortable thought, sit with it!

Sometimes abusers are likeable! They usually DO think they're justified in their actions, or doing it for "a good reason," or were just too preoccupied to care. MOST of the time, people who commit abusive actions are also hurt or traumatized in some way. You might even empathize with them. None of this means their actions have to be excused or downplayed.

"Abusers" aren't a type of goddamn yokai, they're people just like you and me. You don't help victims of abuse by putting the people who hurt us in an "untouchable" category.

In fact, all it does is make you less likely to recognize your own controlling behavior. You're capable of abuse. People you love are capable of it, too. People who love YOU can still hurt you.

In spite of how often people regurgitate "It's Ok To Like A Character As Long As You're Critical Of Their Actions," every day it is proven to me further and further that no one who says it actually understands what that means.

All that said; I think it's no contest which one's a worse parent, imo.

They both mistreated their children, but Curlfeather did it through manipulation without verbal or physical abuse. She politically groomed her into a position of power so that she could use her as a pawn. It can be argued if this counts as child abuse-- but it's firmly still under the broad category childhood maltreatment, which is damaging.

(though anon I'm with you 100% at seeing RED when "but she sacrificed herself" is used as an excuse. Curlfeather's death does NOT CHANGE what she did to Frostpaw in life. I think it's a valid point to bring up when comparing her to another terrible parent for judgement purposes, such as in the context of this poll, but I really hate the implication that redemption deaths "make up" for maltreatment.)

Crowfeather, meanwhile, is textually responsible for putting Breezepaw through verbal AND physical abuse, as well as child neglect. His motivations include embarrassment from a hurt ego, revenge on his ex, and being sad because of a dead girlfriend. This abuse drives Breezepelt towards radicalization in the Dark Forest.

You could argue Curlfeather is a worse person for Reedwhisker's murder, but as a parent? It's not even a question to me. Crowfeather's one of the worst dads in WC.

[batfambrainrotbeloved]

I want to write batfam (just core four rn) w/ their respective partners but every single ship is just

red flag x red flag

TW- Obsessive/ Unhealthy love and relationships, just descriptions though

Dick & Wally? They are the clingy toxic- what do you mean you want a seperate life/hobbies that don't involve me? The kind of people to take "Would you love me if I was a worm"? way too seriously and cry if they dont get the "right" answer. God forbid you try "I was asleep" for not texting back.

Jason & Roy? Fire meets fire, get the cops called on them at least once a week. Every disagreement is a full out brawl before long, but they always end up amping up and then patching eachother's wounds with kisses and gauze. Hard to tell if its genuine hate or flirting sometimes- maybe both.

Tim & Bernard? Stalker ship. Privacy? You mean you don't love me enough to want me to have your location 24/7?? It's a push and pull of control and constant reminders that secrets are an illusion. But they also are way too enamored with the fact someone would love them to the point of obsession to really be that bothered. "You made me a shrine?? Aww babe it even has my missing shirt, that must have been a pain to get" kinda shit.

Dami & Jon? Stubborn to the max, the couple that breaks up at least once a week and then makes up two hours later after keying a car and throwing a game system in water. Drag everyone into their fights and hold grudges like theres no tomorrow. Also god forbid trigger jealousy. Will pull the "I don't think you should hang out with them, they're not good for you" shit

Now any of these behaviors in any other context?? Fuck that. But theres something about "Is it really toxic if neither of us are innocent" kinda fictional ship that I love. Also let Batfam be fucking insane especially when it comes to their partners.

[wannabemasterofwindintraining]

I know how manipulation tactics work

(^doesn't know shit)

[missmarthanightingale]

i find particularly notable the line "that unknowingly i did break the seal." like that is an outright lie! & sure, the count lies all the time, but previously there's been a veneer of plausibility to them, whereas this lie is just so blatant, bc jonathan sat next to him on the couch & watched him open the letter in literally the immediate preceding paragraph. pair that with the mind fuckery of the locked door & just. idk idk something about the way that the methods of abuse in this relationship are shrouded in ever less deniability as time goes on

[jesse-pinko]

“Why don’t people remember that Skyler and Walt were separated and in the process of getting divorced when she slept with Ted?” They do! The people who insist that it was cheating just don’t believe that a battered woman has the right to leave her husband without his permission, hope that helps <3

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

hm so murad/farya is pretty interesting so far? unfortunately i've also heard that they quickly become unbearable and abusive. i have also seen people say that murad is the absolute worst to the women in his life, including farya -- even worse than the likes of suleiman and ibrahim. which is saying, like, a lot

[shanastoryteller]

I have the worst sunburn I've gotten in AGES 😭 absolutely burned all over. titties toasted

[aliusfrater]

you know the more i think about the events of season eight from sam's perspective the more i think. yeah id want to kill myself too

[bonebabbles]

I keep starting and abandoning posts that go into my drafts, as I try to stay tasteful about how fucking revolted this part makes me. Like, I'm legitimately unsure if the very relevant trauma I have is making me see things that aren't here

But first we see that Star Flower is trying to ingratiate herself to the group, just after she reappears from chapter 5. Chapter 5 is about how Clear Sky is still abusive towards his son, and she comes in after stroking his ego, stressing how alone she is, and appealing to how she'll be loyal unlike his child. (She glances over at Thunder, directly implying this.)

Now in Chapter 9, she's babysitting and trying to care for Milkweed's kits (in spite of discomfort from Milkweed), taking a wet sleeping space away from the others, and pulling more than her own weight "without complaint." Putting herself through harsh sitations to prove her worth.

All while trying to appear extra attractive to Thunder, and later Clear Sky. Basically every man in power who can "protect her"

Like, am I going fucking crazy? With how we later find out that Star Flower was "promised as a mate" to One Eye's subordinate Slash, is... is that hypersexualization? One of the extremely stigmatized symptoms of sexual abuse?

She goes to find Clear Sky alone to throw herself at his paws, and he's very quickly attracted to how she promises to perfectly obey him, have no needs of her own, and finally be the perfect servant that he desires

"I don't deserve your trust because I am dirt. I understand you because I also regret something. I'd die for you. I'll never betray you unlike those who have."

This isn't manipulation. She means this. The story is playing their romance sincerely. She's comparing "betraying" Thunder by telling her own father about an assassination ambush to Clear Sky's history of child abuse, physical assault, and murder

She believes she's on the same level as this; a monster who murdered a childhood friend in a fit of entitled rage. She was a victim of One Eye who really believes that the way her father used her means she "understands" this monster, deserves this treatment.

And Clear Sky LIKES that.

He likes that she will have COMPLETE FAITH in him. That she will follow him WITHOUT QUESTION. That she will OBEY his orders. That's fucking verbatim, that's THE TEXT!!!

WHILE HE'S STILL CRYING ABOUT "ive tried to atone every day" FOLLOWING THE LAST TWO BOOKS WHERE THE ONLY SHITTY THING HE DOESN'T DO IS MURDER INNOCENT WOMEN

Am I insane?? Am I wrong??? Am I missing something here???? Why the fuck is the fandom takeaway "haha sexy girl steals his dad." Did I read the same book

[bonefall]

Feel free to ignore you've probably got a lot going on right now, but considering you know a lot about DOTC and Clear sky, I had a question...

We know that he's a terrible, misogynistic, woman beating and war mongering lunatic who was excused of all his actions because his equally misogynistic brother said " But-But he's nice! Deep down! This isn't the real him! "

But! In a world where the Hunters could write such a character, what do you think Clear Sky would look like as an actual sympathetic villain?

Idk if that makes sense, but what I've thought of doing is taking purely cannon Clear Sky and attempting to change him enough that he's still an antagonist, but not too far where only Reddit defends him.

I don't think he works as a sympathetic villain, on any level, ever. I think you're making a huge mistake to even try, and I have never seen an AU where it was done well nor am I interested in entertaining the thought.

Characters. Are. Tools. They exist to tell a story. The story that people tell me, by obsessing over some alternate universe where he was "ACTUALLY sympathetic and had a REAL redemption arc," is that they're not fucking interested in his dozens of victims. Nor do they actually care about the abusive impact he had on the minds and feelings of his family. They're JUST interested in Clear Sky himself.

Just like the Erins. Everything that happens in DOTC revolves around him. Everything. All his wives die so he can be sad about it. His brother defends all of his actions and BEGS you to sympathize with his pain so he can be 'redeemable.' One Eye comes out of nowhere so that there can be an example of "real" evil to contrast Clear Sky so he's less bad in hindsight.

The first three books of DOTC are bad, but the last three are fucking insufferable because SUDDENLY all that Gray Wing apologia pays off, and they take their main villain and throw him out a window. You CAN'T have "redeemable" Clear Sky and the plot of DOTC without dragging in someone else to drive the conflict, to BE the bigger threat to "unite" against. Slash and One Eye have to be conjured up out of thin air so Clear Sky can WHINE about how people only suck his toes instead of deepthroat them after he killed all their friends.

And yet, in spite of this absolute failure of an attempt, we continue to see this bullshit "redemption" be a mistake because Clear Sky is a fantastic villain, with major antagonist roles in nearly EVERY bit of follow-up material for DOTC that came after.

He's the most consistent monster in all of Warriors.

He's a fragile, egotistical, self-absorbed megalomaniac who ALWAYS sees himself as the victim, REFUSING to self-reflect and blaming everything else for all of his terrible choices. He will USE your love of him against you like it's a chain through your nose, step out of line and he will yank you into place with guilt trips, manipulation, public shaming, and violence.

He's a child abuser. He's a tyrant. He abandons the sick and disabled as soon as they're of no use to him, with grand speeches about "illness" and "weakness." He's a murderer who stands above the shredded corpse of his victim and bellows, "I'M NOT GREEDY! I'M JUST STRONG!"

And you'd write a "good" redemption arc for this, why?

Why are people so chronically unable to accept that there are LOTS of people like him, and you can't save your abuser? Why don't you ask yourselves why you're not interested in exploring Thunder, or Petal, or Gray Wing, and how his toxic influence impacts them? Why does the sympathy fall on Clear Sky? What about the DOZENS of victims who are dead by Book 3, and how THEY could have been saved?

Why ruin a perfectly good villain?

What's behind this trend where a billion people say to me, "Yes Clear Sky is a walking cavalcade of fucked up abuse apologia, and an incredibly realistic depiction of an abuser, but how would you change this while keeping it all the same?"

I wouldn't. You can't. It wouldn't be the same story, or it wouldn't be the same character. Never seen it done well, and I have seen it a lot. So I don't entertain this deeply frustrating "Well What If Clear Sky But Nice" impulse.

[ouroborosorder]

tbh i wish they'd kept this ending it woulda been way way way better. just really subtle in how it leans into the complexity of their relationship. it's a very messy, human relationship, but i think making it a little bit messier would have been stronger, especially leading into Emptiness and Catharsis

[opheliasam]

god i just cannot for the life of me in good faith ship wincest anymore bc holy crap sam deserves better . It’s a horror story.

[c-kiddo]

just saw someone misread kamen and fionas relationship so bad someone hold me back

[winepresswrath]

the thing about revisit of the fight in 1x5 is that Louis started it and Louis kept it going and Louis threatened to kill Lestat but it's kicked off because Lestat put his hands on Claudia. that's what tips Louis over the edge into physical violence.

and the other thing about that fight is that Louis was not going to leave Lestat. He's not focused on trying to get away or comfort Claudia, though he is enraged on her behalf. He is trying to hurt Lestat. He can't really hurt him but he doesn't know that yet. He wants to punish him for both what he did to Claudia and for Claudia leaving in the first place. honestly knowing Louis probably for some other stuff while he's at it. he's been punishing him for seven years. But I really don't think he was going to actually try and leave him. that's so fucked up. they're so fucked up.

[eastgaysian]

Sorry this is a dumb question but can you explain why tomshiv is not abusive? Shiv seems to hit a lot of textbook behaviours of emotional abusers

thank you for your follow up clarifying this was in good faith bc i checked my inbox yesterday right after getting high and was like man come on. don't do this to me. but yeah i can talk about it, it's obviously something i have a fair amount of thoughts on

on a fundamental level, i take issue with the assertion that there are 'textbook behaviors of emotional abusers' in the first place. distilling abuse down to a set of behaviors is, imo, effectively meaningless and totally unproductive. it's not the behavior of an individual that defines abuse, it's a specific and intentionally cultivated imbalance of power and control within a relationship. victims of abuse can and do resort to survival mechanisms that could be considered in isolation as 'abusive behavior', the point is that you can't consider them in isolation. there's a gulf of difference between the same actions when they're coming from a person in a position of significant financial or physical or social power over someone else, or when they're coming from the person at a disadvantage.

i think viewing abuse as a set of behaviors also encourages you to treat interpersonal abuse as if it's discontinuous with systemic abuse, which is inaccurate and unproductive. a key part of succession's premise is that, because the family is literally the business, the familial abuse within the roy family is inextricable from the broader systems of capitalism, patriarchy, and the sexual violence and abuse endemic to them. with regards to how the show satirizes and critiques these systems, i think it's very telling that all of the characters are to some degree complicit and/or participants in abuse, but logan is the only one i'd say is unambiguously and intentionally presented as 'an abuser' (whose abuse is not an isolated product of him as a person, but integrated into/inseparable from the capitalist system which persists after his death). still, logan isn't reduced to a one-dimensional angry, abusive dad, he's given depth and complexity. his continued insistence that he loves his children isn't treated as something that's untrue, but that doesn't make it inherently good, and it certainly isn't incompatible with him abusing them.

circling back to tom and shiv. their relationship is unhealthy, it's not good for either of them to be married, shiv does fucking awful things to tom and tom does awful things right back, i'm not questioning any of that. but at my most cynical and bitchy, what it comes down to is quite simply: shiv doesn't have enough power over tom to be abusive, systemically or personally.

the thing is sometimes you see people say 'wow, if the genders were reversed people would say tom and shiv's relationship is unambiguously abusive!' which... hrm, but really the issue is that. the genders are the way they are, that's for a reason, and yes, that does make a significant difference in how we perceive their relationship and power dynamics. tom holds very real and present power over shiv as a man and as her husband, proposing to her when she was vulnerable in a way that placed huge pressure on her to accept and then trying to get her to have his baby so he can become patriarch. shiv's the heiress with the legitimacy of her family name and generational wealth but she is continuously, unavoidably subjected to gendered discrimination and violence. she's never allowed direct access to real power - she has to rely on the men around her, her husband or her brothers, and if they don't feel like humoring her she's shit out of luck.

this doesn't cancel out like a math equation, but it definitely makes things much more complicated than shiv being an Evil Bitch Wife to her Poor Pitiful Husband. when shiv finally does push tom too far, he immediately, successfully, goes over her head to her abusive father to fuck her over. maybe shiv wants to be her father in her relationships and exert the same kind of control he does. but she doesn't and she can't! she does not have that power! she cannot stop tom from kicking back and his hits are significant. as much as she might like to pretend otherwise, tom not only has always had the power to leave in a way shiv doesn't, he had and has the power to fuck her up badly, and he's used that power. that is simply not the power dynamic between abuser and victim to me.

i also have to say that abuse is not always going to be definitive black and white. in real life there are plenty of unambiguous situations but there are also plenty of complicated situations, and applying judgments to fiction is not always straightforward. i can't exactly call someone 'wrong' for personally being uncomfortable with tom and shiv's relationship or believing shiv is abusive, but i'm very skeptical of the viewpoint and the motivations or assumptions that are often contained within. if shiv is abusive, she definitely isn't uniquely so among the cast, so you had better be applying that label and any associated moral judgments equally across the board.