#MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT A CHOREOGRAPHY.

[that-was-a-bit-stupid-of-you]

watching the ttpd set on eras tour: this gives me happiness

watching taylor, YET AGAIN, use psych wards and mental illnesses as an aesthetic as a way to earn money, which is insensitive, distasteful, and harmful: nvm wtf taylor stop ruining nice things

[randomreasonstolive]

Reason to Live #8238

 Learning the choreography for a song I love!  – Guest Submission

(Please don't add negative comments to these posts.)

[thatonebasicfan]

No bc my favorite HP edit is one that has a Descendants 2 song.

[thebunnitwins]

Lets goooooo

(Original post on Casey Bunni Insta.)

[the-casbah-way]

there are a lot of layers to the fictional world in my head like. i’ve written a musical based on fictionalised versions of real historical figures. so the fictionalised versions have basically become my ocs. but then i also have a group of fake actors in my head who got cast in my fake musical to play my ocs. so they are also my ocs. but also one of the fake actors is basically a self insert because he plays the role in the musical that i essentially wrote for myself

[fmdduri]

PRESS PLAY!

with it being the fourth quarter of 2022, it’s appropriate to look over the top ten songs that duri has listened to throughout the entire year. the curated playlist gives a look into what exactly duri likes music wise, perhaps a look into what he’s been feeling through the year, and the songs that he’d recommend to others as well, a majority of them have also been placed upon his instagram story as well, especially those by other artists in the korean music industry as a well to show support to his favorite songs. while the list is definitely much longer to what he’s listened to on repeat, these are the ten that he’s really listened to and enjoyed most throughout the years. the songs he likes are forever changing, but a lot of the times it really remains the same.

001. fine by taeyeon suji.
 002. instagram by dean taeyong.
 003. asap by twice candy. 
004. lilac by iu minjung. 
005. this hell by rina sawayama. 
006. hold the girl by rina sawayama. 007. flu by iu minjung. 
008. spark by taeyeon suji. 009. cardboard box by flo. 010. hype boy by newjeans.

[twice-inamillion]

Sana's News 

Fluff and smut talk

Chapter 181

First chapter of the Fancy Arc!

*Sana delivers some wonderful news to her members.

It's been two weeks since Twice Dome Tour in Japan ended. The members have week practicing hard to memorize the choreography for Fancy and have spent it in the studio. 

Currently, Sana has woken up in a rush as she makes her way to the bathroom. "Oh no, my stomach" She lifts the toilet seat and begins to gag. The rumbling in her stomach and the strong smell has been getting stronger these past few days. "I can't get this smell off. Why am I feeling like this?" 

"Sana? Are you okay? You've been in the bathroom for a while."

Sana opens the door and sees a worried Momo standing. "I don't feel too well." 

"Do you need anything? Some pills? Maybe you ate something that is making your stomach a bit sensitive."

"No, it's been like that for the past few days, just that today is much stronger."

"Maybe you're getting sick?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"Let me look it up," Momo pulls out her phone. She asks for Sana's symptoms and types them on her phone. She gets a list of possible illnesses that could be immediately stopped at a specific one. "What are your symptoms again, Sana?" 

"Well…I feel nauseous and want to vomit. Sometimes after practice, but it passes quickly, but today it just came out of now." 

Momo, who's mentally checking off her symptoms, pauses, tries to catch her thoughts, and says, "Uhmm… Sana? When was your last period?"

Sana tries to recall her period, "I… I'm actually late. You don't think…"

Momo nods, and they both stay silently, looking at each other. 

"Go to my dresser, and there should be a test in the first one. Bring it to me, please." 

Momo rushes to the room, opens the dresser, looks through her underwear and bras, "Here it is," and runs back out.

"I'm back, here…."

Sana opens the door and quickly takes the box out of Momo's hands. She opens the box and takes out the test, and reads the instructions before using it. 

———-

Sitting on the edge of the bathroom tub, she waits for her alarm to ring and browses through her phone, looking up what to do in these situations. 

She doesn't have to wait long as her phone buzzes. She stands up, nervous, not knowing what the results will be. 

"Please… let it be good news," as she picks up the pregnancy test. 

She stares at it for a while, not knowing how to react. It isn't until Momo knocks at the door, "Are you okay in there?"

Sana opens the door and pulls Momo inside, "look at it." 

"Oh my god, it's true." 

With a smile, she grabs Momo's hands and starts to jump, causing Momo to jump as well. "Yes, I'm pregnant! It's finally come true!"

"Congrats, Sana! I'm so happy for you!" jumping along with Sana. 

————

Sana returns to her bedroom, jumps into her bed, and giggles.

"I can't believe it. I'm finally pregnant." She looks at the picture of her positive result on her phone and smiles. "I can't wait to tell my parents, the girls, and Oppa; they're going to be so happy." 

"Sana, breakfast is ready!"

"Be there soon!" responding to Jeongyeon's call from downstairs. 

Making her way downstairs, seem greets the rest of the members and sits across Momo. They can't help but smile and giggle whenever they catch each other sight, which causes Jeongyeon and Jihyo to call them out on their goofiness.

"Yah… what's going on?"

"Nothing, just caught ourselves looking at each other." 

"Okay, don't cause any problems." 

Breakfast ends on a good note as members share their excitement for the recording of the music video. 

"Let's spend our time resting and be ready with energy for tomorrow."

The members agree and go off to do their own thing. "Momo, Sana, something's going on with the both of you, so spit it out," Jihyo said with her arms crossed.

Sana looks and Momo, who responds with a nod, "Can we go to my room?"

"Sure, let me ask Nayeon to watch over Jisoo."

Momo closes the door, being the last one to enter the room, taking a seat nearby. 

"So, what's going on?"

"Uhmm… remember how we had time off in Osaka while you and the other members when came back to Korea?"

"Yes…"

"Well… Oppa and I visited my parents, and we had sex all night… so…" 

Jihyo is slowly figuring out Sana's vagueness, "Are you trying to say…"

Sana enthusiastically nods as she confirms Jihyo's thought, "Yes, I'm pregnant!" 

Jihyo holds Sana's hands, and they both begin to jump, "Oh my god Sana, congrats! I'm so happy for you!" Momo joins in on the celebration as they jump.

After settling down, they sit on the bed and review the dates she began feeling her symptoms due to missing her period and her positive pregnancy test.

"Are we the only two that now?"

"Yes." 

"When do you plan on telling the rest of the girls?"

"I want to do it tonight, maybe after dinner."

"How about the three of us go out and get something nice to eat and get some takeout to bring home?" 

"Yes! Let's celebrate with some yummy food," shouts Momo with the idea of having a feast to celebrate Sana's pregnancy.

"Yes, I'll like that."

"Okay, let's meet in 20, and I'll ask if they can watch Jisoo for a bit."

———

"Okay, Let's ensure everything is ready before we film the music video; we need to ensure everything runs smoothly." 

You've spent the last few days at the JYP building making sure your first song goes smoothly when the music video is recorded. Since there tends to be a slight difference between the song to the music video, you need to make sure everything runs smoothly. 

Being this the first song that is being made into a title track is a dream come true. You can't be thankful enough for this opportunity, and I want to make sure you make your girls and JYP proud. 

——-

Come from their outing; they carry bags of food and drinks to celebrate later tonight. The rest of the members set up the dining table after hearing from Nayeon that taken out would be brought for dinner. 

With the food on the table and everyone seated, they talk about their excitement to record this comeback's music video. 

"I still can't believe that Oppa was the one who produced a song for this comeback, even more, that it's being used as the title track for the album," said Dahyun.

"We knew that he used to be a part-timer before he became our manager but didn't know he was going to try to become a producer again," said Chaeyoung.

Jihyo responds, "He mentioned looking into it and maybe talking to JYP about it but didn't know that he was writing some songs, but I'm happy. He's following his dream just like us, and we should be proud of him and support him." 

The members agree and continue with their dinner. Momo and Jihyo would frequently eye Sana and send mental messages about her announcement. She would often giggle and nod side to side, as she wasn't ready for it. 

After dinner was almost done, Sana raised her hand, "Umm, I did to say something." 

"Shh…" Everyone gets quiet after Jihyo silences everyone. 

Sana stands up and nervously says, "I recently received some good news, and I would like to share it with all of you. Since I think of you all as my family I…". Chaeyoung having no patience, blares out, "Omg, are you pregnant?"

Everyone is shocked by Chaeyoung's statement, and Jihyo immediately tries to shush Chaeyoung, "Be quiet, Sana is trying to say something." 

"Sorry!" 

Everyone tries to pay attention after Chaeyoung's statement and is even more excited to hear the news making Sana hesitate. 

"Actually, Chaeyoung is right; I am pregnant!" the ball is finally dropped, shocking everyone as they see Sana's proud face. 

"Is it true? Ask Mina.

"Yes, it's true. I was there when she took the pregnancy test," shouts Momo. 

Sana nods and confirms what Momo just said, and immediately everyone stands up and hugs Sana, giving her lots of love and love. 

"Congrats, unnie. The twins will have another sibling to play with," says Mina.

"Daeun is going to be a big sister, haha."

"You must have really worked hard with Oppa to make a baby," teases Chaeyoung, causing Jeongyeon to smack her on the back of her head.

"Ouch, it's true. It takes two to make a baby. He must have pumped you with a lot of baby batter, right?" before running away from Jeongyeon. Sana blushes at Chaeyoung's comment, causing the rest of the members to laugh. 

"Alright, girls, calm down. Let's be grown-ups and not laugh; it's funny but also true. His baby batter gave us Jisoo, Ari, Hina, and Daeun, so let's be grateful."

"You're right unnie, I mean, we're all going to end up bred by him sooner or later, right?"

"Don't say that, Tzuyu. You should let him do that to you, okay? Not to our youngest one," says Jeongyeon as she hugs Tzuyu. "I wouldn't let the greedy prevent put his hands on me, especially breed me, never." 

"Calm down, Jeongyeon. Tzuyu was trying to lighten up the mood," says Jihyo.

"Okay, but I don't like hearing that type of stuff, especially from Tzuyu. She too young to be thinking like that."

"Okay, everyone, but this dinner is about me, okay?" pouts Sana. 

"Sorry, Sana, we got a bit sidetracked."

"It's okay."

Jihyo, Mina, and Dahyun walk back up to Sana, "Let us know if you need anything, okay? If you want to discuss your pregnancy, we are here for you."

"Thank you, girls." 

—————

You return home late at night and see that the girls had a feast as you see multiple empty boxes of different restaurants by the trash bin. You make your way to your room and see Sana's room slightly open, just enough to take a quick peek.  

You watch Sana change into comfortable clothes, taking off one piece at a time. She puts on shorts and a short crop top that displays her flat tummy perfectly. She then stands in front of her mirror, does her pigtails, removes lip gloss, and begins to take pictures in front of the mirror. 

She turns in multiple angles, ensuring her tummy is fully displayed. You watch as she caresses her tummy, "Hello, little one, I don't know if you are a girl or a boy, but I'm going to take care of you and love you so much. Make sure you grow healthy and big, maybe cute like me or strong like your daddy. Omg, I can't wait to tell your daddy about you."

You can't believe what you just heard; Sana is pregnant? You did know if you should talk to her about it or faint right there on the spot. All you knew was that you were losing your balance, and you had to get something to drink to calm your nerves. 

"I'm just going to go back to the kitchen and get something to drink. I'll just wait for Sana to be ready and tell me personally." 

Master list 2

[emilieautumnarchives]

Emilie Autumn for Bubblegum Sl-t Zine

Original Link (Archive Post from Author) Last access 3/31/24 Originally Posted: Summer 2010

...I interviewed Emilie Autumn a few times in the mid-00s, although only once for Bubblegum Sl💛t. I think the photo of Emilie and me (seen on the left of the first slide) was taken after an interview for Alternative Magazine. Every time I saw Emilie, her gigs grew a bit grander and more bonkers. Consider that her entry point to the era’s music scene was a violin-and-vocal concept album - which concerned Shakespeare and mental ill health, and arrived accompanied by a semi-autobiographical novel, fusing psych ward memoirs with a Victorian fantasy world – and you get some sense of just how bonkers things got. By the time this was printed in 2010, her shows were bringing cabaret vibes and musical theatre production values to rock venues. Accompanied by the ‘Bloody Crumpets’ (a troupe of burlesque belles posing as asylum inmates), and an elaborate array of handcrafted props and costumes, she was greeted at every show by hordes of adoring ‘plague rats’ in bloomers and stripey stockings. Something I always found both inspiring and a little intimidating was just how hands-on Emilie was with every aspect of her ambitious shows. Right down to handmaking merch, she oversaw every last damn detail of her immersive fantasy world, putting in frighteningly long hours to make it happen. This was a big a theme of this very wordy interview.

Interview and scans below the cut.

Transcription note: this interview is long and EA's comments are interspersed throughout, so I've put her words in bold.

Wayward Woman

Released from her old record contract, our favourite asylum inmate Emilie Autumn has lately let her creativity run. And run. And run.

18 hour day corporate workaholics would be put to shame by the drive that Emilie Autumn exhibits in her many artistic endeavors. With each successive, increasingly grand tour I've witnessed (for which Emilie handles the design and production of lavish stage sets and costumes, the creation handmade merch and the choreography of dance routines and comedy set-pieces with her sidekicks 'The Bloody Crumpets', not to mention violin, harpsichord and vocal duties) I've felt, with crowing certainty, that superhuman powers are the only explanation for her quite extraordinary ability to maintain both the quality and vast quantity of her output. Speaking to the insomniac artist herself shortly after her Spring 2010 tour of Europe and Australia however, I've forced to entertain the more improbable, and frankly frightening notion, that her stamina is actually that of a mere mortal, as she recounts woefully how a throat infection forced her to cancel two shows on this most recent outing. The singer can't claim she wasn't warned; management -- characterized in popular music mythology as the business bods cracking the whip on the backs of their poor, cash-cow artist -- apparently made efforts to talk her out of undertaking such a lengthy tour before she had embarked up it, but inevitably such a suggestion was never given any serious consideration by a women who describes the experience of taking a few days off as "torturous".

"I wasn't allowed to speak," she elaborated on the horrors of her enforced spell of rest and relaxation. "I wasn't even allowed to whisper, so I had to write things down to communicate. As somebody who talks a lot--as you can tell--it was definitely torturous!"

Yes, I can definitely tell you that, amongst a great deal of many other talents, Emilie Autumn can really talk. Figuring out that much in the four previous interview I've got to admit that, while the kind of intense and frank debate and confessions she offers in volumes are a refreshing pleasure over any media-trained soundbite, I approach this latest encounter with as much dread as anticipation; dread that is for the figure that will appear on my phone bill when the receiver eventually goes down and Emilie and Chicago. And on this occasion there's more to talk about than ever before.

See, even within the biography of an artist who is prolific by nature the past few months can be considered a fully of activity. The tour aside, there's been the double dis re-release of Emilie's breath-through album 'Opheliac', while the publication of her long-awaited book 'The Asylum of Wayward Victorian Girls' requires epic discourse by itself. So more -- much more -- of the book later. Firstly, Emilie explains, the starting point for seeing this succession of projects come to fruition was opting to break away from former German-based label Trisol.

"Once all the house clearing went down I found, to my surprise, when the door opened I had a good amount of options," she recalls, swiftly skipping to the part where, having weight these up, she found and offer from New York's The End records the most attractive.

By signing on the dotted line she joined an oddball, distinctly arty roster, which also includes Mindless Self Indulgence, Dir En Gray and Dirty Little Rabbits, and celebrated seeing her music gain a release in her native Unite States at long last. Although "frustrated" by the prior limbo period, when her work languished on record stores' prices import shelves, she has to conceded that there's little evidence to suggest hefty taxes impeded the spread of the 'plague' (as she is wont to refer to the rise of her so-described 'violindustrial', with fans readily wearing the label 'plague rats').

"I was amazed to see the fanbase I have [here] when I first toured the US," she says. "The Plague rats are here, they're everywhere, and it's insane that this thing has spread almost without radio, without videos and without a label until now."

The fresh pressing of 'Opheliac' has also been granted a second release in Europe, where by contrast Emilie has enjoyed strong support from the alternative music media ever since the album was initially issued in 2006. Critics might assume a second coming so soon a little premature but, even without the addition of a wealth of bonus material, a record that can honestly by called a 'grower' -- rewarding revisits by revealing new depths to it's complex sonics and storyline -- makes a good case for being deserving of a second look. For Emilie herself "the 'Opheliac' record is still the most important thing" - the silver lining to the breakdown which followed her separation from musical collaborator turned lover Billy Corgan, traced to the eureka moment at which she began charting comparisons between her own increasingly troubled life and the misadventures of Shakespeare's archetypal 'difficult woman.'

"I think a couple times in your life, if you're lucky, you just get it right," Emilie reflects of the work now. "It's like creating the perfect quote that people will say 500 years later, because it still rings true. When I sing those songs onstage, or listen to that record it still strikes me that there's not a single thing I would change."

Such a definitive statement from the artist herself does rather invite the suggestion that the bonus disc can do little to enhance the piece; only encourage plague rats to pick up the second copy.

"The first disc is completely a concept album, where every sound is a puzzle piece within a big plan and everything relies on everything else around it," Emilie affirms. "So that second disc is like 'here's the mixbox' -- it's a complete jumble of things, like the inside of my head. But it is all very relevant to the suicidal theme of the album."

Specifically, she cites her unlikely rendition of an age-old song Billie Holiday mad her own, declaring "'Gloomy Sunday', - that's like the original suicide song, it couldn't be more relevant." With her version sitting alongside a cover of The Smiths' 'Asleep,' a solo violin rendering of Bach, several original acoustic recordings and samples of the spoken word, performances Emilie has lately been giving in support of her book release, she's not wrong in her assertion that the second disc is a 'mixbox' either. Set in contrast to the main album's heavy, literary study of her own human condition this new component is also reflective of the trademark scatter-brained and impatient intellect she overwhelms with when she chatters mile a minute.

By far the greatest justification for revisiting 'Opheliac' now Emilie excitably gabs is the long-awaited arrival of its companion and sequel, the Asylum book, viewed by it's author as a sort of key to decoding the shorthand hints embedded in the other releases in her catalogue.

A back-burner project in the Trisol offices for more than 2 years, the book looked so sure to be lost to the world for a time that Emilie's reaction when it eventually when into production under guidance of The End was to "go into shock - I've almost been in denial that i was ever actually happening.," she gasps. "I'd got so into saying 'wait for it, it's going to be great!' and not having it materialize that it was a shock when the new printing company put it together. It was torture to keep touring a keep releasing knowing that, even if I have a great fanbase who like what I'm doing, they really had no idea of what they liked was about at the time, They didn't know the full extent of how serious it actually was, how much i actually means and real it is."

Referring to the titular 'Asylum' -- most basically defined as a location in [Emilie's] imagination and art, but nonetheless deeply rooted in historical documentation of the treatment of Victorian madwomen, and the harsh realities of Emilie's own experience of the modern mental health care system -- she tells "there's this thing of assuming it's a fantasy world when, actually, it's for real. That was very difficult," she sighs, "to go on touring, knowing that there were so many things I couldn't do onstage that I actually might have wanted to, but because they were references to things in the book they would never make sense without it."

As much a novel, information manual for those wanting to pick up tips on surviving a mental health ward or swarm of leeches and detailed history lesson as it is an autobiography, the book was a massive undertaking --particularly for an author possessed of the perfectionist tendencies Emilie is. To put in perspective the length of the sentence 'The Asylum..." served in post-production hell, journalists received sample pages from Trisol's PR department, in preparation for an apparently imminent publication, way back in 2008. In the months it took for a released date to pass many other active and breathing public figures saw fit to issue second volumes to their autobiographies. Hence it figures that the finished Asylum on bookstore shelves now is a substantial development of those early previews.

"The story was there but with every day there was another delay and so more painting and ore words would go in just so that the time wasn't completely wasted," confirms Emilie. "If I had to wait I had to make the most of that time and now you have something that wouldn't have been quite as awesome if it had come a day earlier. It's not like the 'Opheliac' record, where I wouldn't add a note or take a note away -- this is the story of my entire life, it goes on -- I could always add another scribble in another corner. 'Opheliac' is a time capsule and this is everything, it goes [from] the beginning to beyond the end... the ultimate ending is still just a massive cliff-hanger because we don't know how it ends!"

Candor and openness being defining traits of the Emilie I've come to know it's surprising to hear that the other "big, open question mark," the book implanted in her head was a wave of self doubt--

"Like, 'okay, you think you know how you're going to react if people read this stuff by do you really ?' And for a couple of days there was this silence, on our sounding board--you know, the internet," she translates. "Everything was really quiet for a couple of days as people were reading it and digesting it and when they came back there was a kind of collective 'holy fuck - we though we knew what was going on by now... maybe not.' There's an increased understanding of me and what I do now - the colours of everything are a bit brighter, because it means more. It's a relief," she announces. " I've said it now, everybody knows all of these things about me now, and if you still like who I am, knowing that this is the life I've lived and things I've done then you like who I really am. It's just a relief to finally tell someone who you really are... like you might have wanted to pretend to be the little queen, or tired to be the good girlfriend, and when you give that up... well, it turns out that pressure is a lot scarier than telling the truth and doing whet comes naturally."

While she's in the mood to share, Emilie reveals the next stage in her grand plan.

"I'll tell you my secret," she relents, after a moments hesitation, reasoning. "I don't know if it's a secret, it's kind of obvious really. My plan, of why the book has to get so very much out there, is because we want to make a movie."

A nanosecond is spared for dramatic effect here before her enthusiasm spurs her on to laying out the blow-by-blow proposal, as though addressing her plague rats en masse.

"Here's what I need you to do," she instructs. "I need you to go buy me these 52 hundred copies of the Asylum book, because then we in the popularity contests--and that's how we get to the top of the bestsellers list. That's very simple, right? Because then, everyone knows, every single book that reaches the top of the bestseller chart is very quickly made into a movie. So if you want to see that movie you've got to help me and purchase that book!"

Emilie is right to think her plan is becoming 'obvious' at this stage. Always theatrical, her stage shows have now grown to a scale that their props are testing the limits of her one-woman workshop, and their stunts are insurance policies of venues only every intended to play host to the humble rock band. A theatre or screen production is the clear next step and, not one to restrict the creative outlets at her disposal, Emilie has not ruled out the former option.

"When we're hitting a new venue every night we have to wonder every night if we're going to be able to do the full show," she sighs. "It's 'are they going to let us to aerials here?', 'are we going to have to leave out the fire-eating because they won't let us do fire here?' It's becoming very clear that, at this level, there are limits to what you can do and the alternative to that is getting a theatre run where you're actually in the same place for 3 months. But there's a part of me that doesn't want tot do that because, however grueling life on the road is, there's that whole thing of the show coming to the people, which I love. SO I think maybe doing both is the ideal. Something I'm quite seriously working on," she impressed, before continuing, "is the possibility of being able to tour with my own venue. Circuses do it, so why can't I? It's a bigger production, and it's expensive, but if you know what you want there's always a way, and I've figured out what we need to do, which is embrace the fact that this isn't a rock show and begin putting it into a setting which reflects that."

Which reminds me, amongst Emilie's many interests is creating music, and between talking books, movies and big tops we've so far neglected to mention an additional iron in the fire, that is 'Opheliac's musical follow-up. Suddenly engaged on another new topic Emilie tells, "I'm about halfway through writing, but nothing has been recorded. It's still being added to because that's the next thing -- making sure that this album accurately represents my life right now. It ties in to the Asylum book, and 'Opheliac', which laid out 'this is the situation you're in,' so this next record is naturally saying 'okay, now what do you do about it?' So that's where it gets a bit more violent and bloody, because now it's about fighting."

Supporting Emilie's often re-iterated line that her seemingly disparate works are, truly, inter-connected and even inter-dependant, recent live shows have started to develop the theme of fighting. Most obviously performances on the Spring tour included a segment in which Emilie and her Bloody Crumpets tool up to become the Asylum Army, marching to a gruffly barked, yet uniquely feminine, drill chant.

"Now there' about 50% guys in the audiences," she notes. "And so when we ask there 'are you ready to fight like a girl?', and every one of them is screaming 'yes'... well, that's amazing. It's about taking that phrase -- that we've heard our whole lives a s derogatory thing, 'you fight like a girl', 'you throw a ball like a girl,' we're taking that and turning it on it's ass completely to make it like the greatest thing possible, knowing that actually, if a girl really has something to defend, there will be no chivalry, no rules, and she will use every tool possible.

For Emilie, these violent developments, as explored more graphically on the next album, represent "part tow of the adventure. It's still completely relevant, it has to be," she says. "When I put [the record] out it has to mean at least as much to me as 'Opheliac' did."

Here the perfectionist standards that her vast ambition demand surface once again, and she tells "I never want to do anything that doesn't have the same impact, on me that is. I want to get it right again. I can't fail, it's just not what I do. I would rather not put anything out. But that's not going to be a problem. I'm already working on the new record and we're gonna be just fine."

[allamericansbitch]

I know you've already said this but it really really does show how rampant casual ableism is, and how despite "mindfulness" and "wellfulness" and "self-care" being so mainstream these days, most people don't actual understand anything about mental illness, there's no understanding that being depressed and/or anxious does not equate to HAVING depressing and/or anxiety, and people who've experienced the former think it's perfectly okay to trivialise, romanticise, and aestheticise the experiences of people who are actually mentally ill and it is not okay. Like there is a massive difference between being sad a relationship ended, and having your psychiatrist/psychologist persistently remind you to go to the psych hospital emergency room if you feel like offing yourself too much! Stop acting like it's the same thing! It is not the same thing!

YES thank you. the tiktok-ification of mental health (or just social media in general tbh) to water down mental illnesses into thinking anxiety = being nervous and depression = being sad is just so dangerous and how casual it is to be using these serious words like 'manic', 'insane', 'delusional', etc is troubling. electroshock therapy is not something that should be lightly displayed on a stage as subtle, passing choreography.... it shouldnt be casual period.

[cinnamon-stccs]

Back in my hating DEH phase. Fucking hate that show and its message.

I feel like so many Dear Evan Hansen enjoyers like the show because of its music and its actors and the one gripe they usually choose with DEH critics is that they aren’t taking the story seriously. As if the only gripe with the show is “Evan Hansen impersonated a suicide victim so he could bone Connors sister”. But that’s not necessarily the problem. The problem is that Evan doesn’t get any backlash from the Murphys. Not really. And you can argue that forgiveness is important to the story but forgiveness is a choice. And Evan didn’t deserve forgiveness because what he did was awful and really fucking bad- and it doesn’t matter that he’s mentally ill. Being mentally ill doesn’t excuse you from responsibility. That’s why being mentally ill sucks.

And I feel like the show only works for people who aren’t chronically mentally ill- because it doesn’t accurately portray someone who is chronically mentally ill. We know that Evan Hansen is supposed to have GAD and because of that, depression. But why would that make him delusional? It wouldn’t. Evan knows he’s lying and feels bad about it but is so attached to the idea of having friends that he doesn’t want to give it up because he’s getting attention from lying. There are so many better ways for Evan to help his mental health that would not involve ruining his own life or destroying other peoples trust or turning literally “the internet” against the Murphys.

And it’s SO INFURIATING that the same year Evan Hansen SWEEPED the Tonys for its shitty gospel-esque church music and horrid portrayals of the mentally ill- Bandstand by Richard Orebacker, starring Corey Cott and Laura Osnes- a story that aptly portrays not only Anxiety and Depression but PTSD, Good and accurate portrayals of OCD, ADHD, Autism, and chronic pain. It had phenomenal choreography, true-to-form Gershwin inspired tracks and a unique perspective on Greif and DEH still left with 6 awards and bandstand left with 1

[feverishly-kpop]

Beomgyu & TXT - Anxiety

A/N - as the title implies, this story contains themes of mental illness and anxiety. Please be kind to yourself and considerate of your own mental health when determining if and when to read this!

“I think that’s good for today, yeah?” Soobin looked around at the others who were all equally as sweaty and tired as he was. Yeonjun, Taehyun and Kai all nodded in agreement, relieved that practice was finally over and that they had the next day off. It was their last full day off before their comeback so Soobin had instructed them to try and rest in order to be ready for the hectic few weeks that were to come.

Soobin couldn’t help but notice that Beomgyu didn’t seem as eager to leave as the rest of the members, intentionally avoiding eye contact with the leader as he paced back and forth in the far corner of the room. Yeonjun noticed as well. He had been keeping an eye on Beomgyu for the last week or so after he noticed how anxious Beomgyu seemed.

At first he was just quiet - his usual enthusiasm about the most minute aspects of their lives very obviously lacking. But as the days continued it seemed that Beomgyu was continuing to withdraw. Yeonjun took stock of how physically tense his dongsaeng seemed as well as how emotionally despondent he had become. He has tried to approach him about it on more than one occasion but each time Beomgyu insisted he was just fine and that Yeonjun’s concerns were unfounded.

Yeonjun knew that they weren’t.

Soobin and Yeonjun locked eyes, sharing a knowing glance before diverting their attention back to Beomgyu, whose brow was furrowed as he wandered back and forth.

“Head down with them, I’ll be there with Gyu soon” Soobin quietly instructed Yeonjun. “Just give us a few minutes, okay?”

Yeonjun nodded before rounding up Taehyun and Kai. All three paused in the doorway and looked back to Beomgyu before Soobin gestured for them to leave him and Beomgyu alone.

The silence loomed overhead for a few moments until Beomgyu stopped in his tracks, seeming to finally notice that the rest of the members had left apart from Soobin who was standing quietly on the other side of the studio.

“Sorry, I guess I got distracted” Beomgyu said, pasting a fake smile across his face. Soobin nodded, giving his next actions some thought before taking a seat against the wall with his water bottle and indicating for Beomgyu to join him.

“What’s on your mind?” Soobin’s tone was light but had an underlying sense of seriousness. Beomgyu sat down next to him but didn’t respond. “Gyu, talk to me, please.”

“I’m fine. Just…” Beomgyu trailed off, seeming to be at a loss for word. “I’m going to stay a little longer. There were a few parts of the choreo that still feel a little awkward. Hopefully I can work them out tonight.”

Soobin wasn’t fond of the idea of leaving Beomgyu alone given how off he had been acting lately. At the very least he seemed exhausted and needed some sleep. But Beomgyu seemed to have read his mind, quickly reassuring him that he wouldn’t be too late. Soobin finally relented and stood up to collect this things. It wasn’t that he was fooled by Beomgyu’s feeble attempt to convince him that he was indeed absolutely fine, but he knew his dongsaeng well enough at this point to understand that he wouldn’t be receptive to a conversation right now.

“We’ll talk later then? Text me when you are on your way back” Soobin replied. Beomgyu nodded in response but he had a distant look in his eyes. They’d talk later, Soobin would make sure of that.

*~*~*~*~*~

You’re worrying them.

Get it together.

Beomgyu’s thoughts were racing as he threw his empty water bottle across the room causing a loud thud to echo in the silence.

He hated lying to his members and it felt way too easy at this point. It was certainly easier for him to tell them that he needed to keep working on the choreography that he had truthfully mastered weeks ago than to confess that he hadn’t been able to sleep and that most of every meal he was given ended up in the waste bin. Nobody else needed to know how overwhelmed he was as the comeback approached or how his anxiety had driven him to the point where be could barely function.

So he did the only thing he could bring himself to do. He curled up in a ball and closed his eyes, desperately hoping that the solitude combined with the level of exhaustion he was experiencing after a long and physically demanding dance practice would be enough to force his body to sleep, if only for a little while.

*~*~*~*~*~

Taehyun glanced down at his watch again. He and Soobin had been waiting up for Beomgyu to come home but it had been over three hours without any indication that he’d be returning soon.

“Still no word from him?” The fatigue in Taehyun’s voice was evident but he was adamant about waiting up for Beomgyu.

Soobin shook his head in response before standing up and grabbing a hoodie that somebody had left on the couch.

“I’m going to go get him. We’ve given him long enough to respond” Soobin said more so to himself than to Taehyun but Taehyun was quickly on his feet as well.

“Hyung…” Taehyun interjected awkwardly in a tone that immediately grabbed Soobin’s attention. “I think that maybe I should go.”

Soobin nodded in agreement as he pulled his shoes on but Taehyun wasn’t finished.

“I mean, I think I should go and you should stay here” he added, bracing himself for Soobin’s response. Soobin stopped what he was doing and looked up at Taehyun, unsure how to respond.

“You know we all love you hyung. But Gyu-hyung hasn’t been himself lately and if he’s overwhelmed about the comeback…” Taehyun chose his words carefully. “You’re the leader. I think what he needs right now is…not the leader.”

Soobin visibly deflated in a way that made Taehyun feel a bit guilty but it didn’t negate the truth. “Hyung it’s not…”

“No, no it’s okay!” Soobin straightened up and feigned a smile. “Don’t apologize. You’re right.”

“I’ll text you once we are on our way back” Taehyun said as he grabbed his jacket.

“Please text me if…I’ll send Yeonjun if he needs…” Soobin was at a loss for words but Taehyun nodded before heading out the door.

*~*~*~*~*~

Beomgyu’s sleep had been restless yet he woke with a start at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. He took a moment to get his bearings before sitting up with the help of a gentle pair of hands.

“Don’t sit up too fast. You must be a little sore from sleeping on the floor” Taehyun’s voice was soft as he helped Beomgyu up. Despite being thankful for Taehyun’s help he was simultaneously mortified to be found like this.

“Hyunnie” Beomgyu replied, his voice gruff from sleeping for - how long had he been asleep anyway? It suddenly dawned on him that he told Soobin he’d be back soon. Clearly it wasn’t soon enough or Taehyun wouldn’t be there waking him up. He quickly tried to jump to his feet but Taehyun stopped him.

“Soobin’s mad, isn’t he?” Beomgyu was certain that he was in some hot water. “Shit…I just…”

Taehyun cut in quietly, not wanting Beomgyu to spiral any further. “Hyung.”

That was all it took for Beomgyu to break down. The tears started flowing before Taehyun could get another word out. Instead he just moved closer to his hyung who laid his head in his lap and hid his face in Taehyun’s shirt, clearly running on little more than fumes at this point. Taehyun, meanwhile, sat quietly, simply running a hand up and down Beomgyu’s back in an attempt to wordlessly comfort him.

After a few minutes Beomgyu’s tears were reduced to just a few sniffles here and there. He sat up and wiped his face with the back of his hand.

“Sorry, Taehyun-ah” he said sheepishly.

“Are you doing okay, hyung?” Taehyun asked once he was certain that Beomgyu had settled down enough.

“Yeah! Yeah, of course. I’m not sick, I promise. Just a little tired I guess.” Beomgyu did his best to sound convincing but if the look ok Taehyun’s face was anything to go by he knew that he was anything but convincing.

“I know you aren’t sick, Gyu-hyung. That’s not what I was asking” Taehyun replied, pushing Beomgyu’s hair from his face before it could get anymore tear soaked than it already was.

Beomgyu took a deep breath and that’s when the flood gates opened. Taehyun listened and nodded along as Beomgyu explained how he didn’t feel like the style of the comeback suited him. How his voice didn’t sound right and how he had begged the producer to redistribute his lines to the rest of the members. How his outfit suffocated him and made him itchy all over. How his hat gave him a headache. How he felt like the style of dance made him look awkward and gangly. And, ultimately, how embarrassed he was about all of it and how he had kept it all to himself out of fear that he’d let the rest of the team down.

Taehyun waited for Beomgyu to get everything off of his chest before responding.

“I hear what you’re saying. And I could tell you that none of it is true but it doesn’t change the fact that you feel that way about it” he said softly as he reached into his bag and grabbed a bottle of water for Beomgyu. “But I think that there are some things that we can fix before the comeback.”

“No, no it’s okay. I don’t want to be a bother…” Beomgyu started but Taehyun shook his head.

“It’s not being a bother. Your hat gives you a headache? Then fuck the hat. And I’m sure the stylists can make adjustments to your outfit to make it more comfortable.” Taehyun watched as his hyung’s breathing evened out, beginning to return to normal.

Beomgyu smiled sadly at Taehyun. “Thanks for coming, Hyunnie” he said quietly. “And thank you for listening to me, I know it all sounds so silly.”

“No it doesn’t, hyung. And any time” Taehyun responded as he helped Beomgyu off the floor. “Let’s go home. You need some sleep. In your bed, not on the floor.”

Taehyun pulled his phone out of his coat pocket as Beomgyu collected his things and got ready to go, quickly sending a text to Soobin:

“Heading back now. There’s a few changes that we need to discuss once we get Beomgyu to bed. See you soon.”

And with that he turned back to Beomgyu to set off back home.

[candyskiez]

Favorite The Owl House episode?

tbh, haven't rewatched the show in a long long time so might need to rewatch to be sure. for a while, it was eda's requiem. it means a lot to me and genuinely made me realize shit about myself. as dumb as it sounds it's what made me realize "...oh. if I died, that'd...probably fuck up the people around me." so it has a massively special place in my heart. and also the depth it gives eda! made me reevaluate shit about how I view parents and also just. god. the importance of found family and how important it is to acknowledge that it's just as important as blood family. found family is so often treated as secondary and seeing it portrayed as just as important is so fucking good and god! middle aged characters with depth! middle aged WOMEN with depth! some of the most accurate depression rep I've seen. she feels so real and raw and god, it's really nice to see a middle aged character who gave up learning to get back up again and stop feeling like they missed the best of their life and wasted it, and aaorudhdjd. god. I love eda. the music is beautiful and the duet is haunting, raeda fascinates me, and bard magic will ALWAYS be my favorite magic in toh.

I feel like the grey decaying thing works excellently as a metaphor for depression. it's what made me start going "is this a metaphor for mental illness?" because it FEELS like it. the voice acting is top tier and its so fucking good. it's just,,, man. a middle aged woman having an episode all to herself?? baby mes mind would've been BLOWN. her hatred of the curse wouldn't have hit nearly as hard without this episode, I think. the loneliness and feeling like it makes her Less is shown so well in this episode. it's just,,, man. as someone who's struggled with depression all my life, it resonates. she doesn't even CONSIDER king would still love her. raine saved her fucking life there and I'm still fucked up about it. it handles depression very well and its just. Man. that duet is one of the most memorable scenes in the show. darius abomination form is badass, raine's powers are so cool, the bats have my ENTIRE heart, the fucking MUSIC. brads music bangs. I love his soundtracks and this episode is just. always iconic to me.

that being said, I'm not entirely sure if it's my favorite episode right now? my brain flip flops on these things. right now I think it might be eclipse lake because it's just. SUCH a good episode. it's so gorgeous. the fight choreography, the animation, the lore, but most of all the EMOTION.

it has such excellent abuse rep. showing not only the complicated emotional reality of living with your abuser, of being dependent on your abuser, but also the fact that having an abusive relationship influences how you view ALL relationships. I love that amitys trauma isn't sidelined! what originally comes off as amity being a little TOO excited about having a girlfriend and also dana flipping off disney is shown to be amity being fucking terrified of losing this. she's so desperate to prove herself and since they're foils we gain knowledge as to what odalia and amitys relationship might've been like through hunter and gain insight into how hunter might view other relationships going forward through amity and it's LOVELY.

it also drives me insane that people use this episode as proof amity would hate hunter when. nah. nah, absolutely not. also I love how it shows how fucking KIND amity actually is. this boy's threatened and backstabbed her multiple times and is showing he's willing to do ANYTHING to win, and she still feels so much fucking sympathy for him. because she gets it. he's like her. she would've done this in his shoes. she offers him kindness and shows no sign of holding a grudge??? NONE???? this woman is fucking forgiving. she would have every right to hate his guts and she doesn't. idk what y'all mean when you say she's a jerk shes fucking KIND.

also hunters breakdown is painful to watch. I don't know what I can say about it that hasn't already been said. it's so raw and resonant, it feels like watching a real kid, it has such a realistic depiction of abused kids, what else can I say?

I also love the addressing of the cycle of abuse. hunter isn't a pure innocent baby here. he's manipulative and mean and cutthroat. hes a dick! I love him having anger issues because that's how abused kids often are! and I love amity backsliding! I love amity going tunnel vision! I love how realistic and painful the whole episode is!

they're just kids, man. you can tell the crew wanted this to be realistic and they succeeded.

I don't know which I like more. they're both just so GOOD.

(ask me things!)

[whumpshaped]

Happy New Year!

A New Year tradition in my area is the Mummers parade, which is...awesome to watch, just as a side note.

I don't know how much you know about Mummers, Mummery, whatever, but it's got me thinking.

Part of the performances, especially for the String Bands and Fancy Brigades, are these HUGE costumes covered in feathers and sparkles. And once a year, today, the entire day is dedicated to performing and competing.

So, a character, who's already not feeling the greatest, still shoving themself into the performance, into this big, heavy costume. Perhaps they're even a Captain, and their costume is the biggest and most elaborate of all (though not just the captains get the big outfits).

They get out to perform, they're on top of a tall prop, and they just.

They pass out.

They fall.

They're direly ill, overheating, too weak to hold the weight of their costume, it's the most important day of the year and they suffer and fall in front of hundreds of people.

How will they deal with that? How will the people who care about them deal with that? While this prompt doesn't have to strictly lead to something Mummers related, most Mummers brigades are largely family and friends based, where members are often brothers and fathers and grandfathers, three, four generations of family out there.

Sorry, rambly. But it's new years, who isn't?

~𐂂

hey check out this cool thing the mummers parade reminded me of

tw sickfic, self-blame

This was the most important event of the year. Whumpee had practised tirelessly for the past months, in costume, out of costume, with the rest of the team, and without. This was the first ever year that the team decided they were fit to lead the choreography, and they couldn’t afford to betray that trust. Especially not in front of the baroness.

Except the overexertion was starting to take a toll on their body. As the date of the performance approached, Whumpee’s anxiety was becoming quite extreme. They were foregoing meals, sleep, any rest at all, and when the weather turned bad, they refused to stay inside instead of practising. With two days left until the parade, Whumpee fell ill.

It was miserable. They used all their leftover strength to pretend they were okay, going through the motions of the choreography in a dizzy haze. They had to do it. They had to go out there and show up for the team. They had to be perfect.

The day before, Whumpee couldn’t get out of bed. They told everyone they were preparing mentally, and the excuse seemed to work. Nobody even questioned them. Everyone was preoccupied with their own worries, they didn’t have time to get suspicious and investigate. And what would it have achieved, even if they had? No, it was much better this way. Whumpee knew they would feel better the next day.

They were wrong.

They saw two of every costume as they staggered into the dressing room, staring straight ahead while one of their friends helped them get into their attire. Their ears felt like they were plugged up, like all the sounds were coming from underwater. They couldn’t focus on a single word that was spoken, and they could only hope it wasn’t information they hadn’t heard a thousand times before.

The sun was too bright, the music was too loud, the prop they had to get up on was too tall, and their head felt like it had been stuffed full of cotton. Muscle memory carried them through the entire first half of the performance, and not even the baroness’s royal presence could penetrate through the fog that enveloped their mind. They didn’t feel anxious anymore. It was almost like the calm before the storm.

Whumpee got on one leg and kicked the other to the side, then reached both their hands up towards the sky—

The world suddenly tilted. The clouds were moving way too fast for a day with not so much as a light breeze, and Whumpee was distantly aware that it wasn’t actually the clouds that were moving; it was them, having lost their balance and falling backwards with nothing to soften the impact.

They gasped in pain as their back hit the asphalt, their head colliding with it just a moment later. If there had been any air left in their lungs, they might have laughed at the absurdity of it. All that practice… all to embarrass themself and all their friends in front of the baroness and her lackeys.

The music didn’t stop, but several of the people on their team rushed to their side, yelling to them and each other simultaneously. Whumpee stared past them, up at the beautiful, winter sky.

They wondered whether they’d ever see it again, after having ruined the baroness’s entertainment.

[infraaa]

Hey! I read your snowy drive story and i find it very interesting and my heart thumped when he started speaking French so I can't help but wonder...

Can we get some general affogato dating hcs? I just adore how you write him! I know you have general smut hcs for him but I thirst for cute, wholesomeness lol!

『I’m glad you enjoyed SNOWY DRIVE. Of course I do believe some softness is good from time to time as well, to to make this extra special, I decided to make these post SNOWY DRIVE related. 🥰』

affogato cookie — general dating hcs (gn!reader)

・・・post/after snowy drive! please check that out here!

tw // this mostly refers to the events of snowy drive ii. (If you’re unfamiliar,) implied bodily harm, violence, mental illness episodes, flashbacks

After the events that had happened between you two, he was drawn closer to you as a result. He would do anything to protect you and your smile and your happiness.

Oftentimes when you two weren’t busy, you both would meet behind the tower and take a brief moment to catch up. Sometimes however, he worries and stresses about whether or not you spoke to RV/Licorice. This is early on though, this will slowly dissipate.

He basically has to find out how to get himself comfortable again. You’re the main solution to that.

At night, sneaking out of the tower would become you favorite past time with him. Sneaking out at night, especially if the sky was clear and full of sparkly stars, you two would go out and roam and talk… overall just enjoying each other’s company. The overblot drained him a lot though, so he now becomes tired very easily.

Likes to lay on your shoulder when you two stargaze. He finds comfort in your body heat.

Affogato was never really into sharing— his food, his stuff, you… after what happened between you and Red Velvet, he became very territorial of you. He gets paranoid when you talk to Licorice. He gets a little overzealous and or overprotective when you talk to Red Velvet. And it’s not just restricted to them now, it’s literally any other random.

Early on he often had night terrors and flashbacks of the overblot. He would hold you tight in a death grip trying to go to sleep at night, while you pet his head and kissed his crown. He realized he’s terrified of losing you not just to another person, but to himself.

Speaking of, he loves cuddles now more than he did before.

Which goes into my next point, movie nights. You and Affo would get cozy and binge watch a series or a movie, in the dead of night. His favorite movie is Dirty Dancing, he’s seen that movie a million times. He likes to hold you during these times, treating you as though you were made of glass. His touches against your skin are almost feather light, yet sweet and warm.

And speaking of Dirty Dancing, remember the stargazing from earlier?

He’d take you out, and teach you some of the choreography from that movie. (Yes. He’s memorized that. All of it.)

And as well as later on, he may teach you some French. He’s fluent in French and Italian. So he would often write you little letters in these languages and put them in your desk. Sometimes, he’d wrote translations for them, other times, he would t just to get your reaction.

His love languages are physical touch and acts of service.

He loves to help you, as he believes it builds a mutual sense of trust. You’re the only person he couldn’t lie to, even if he tried. No matter how small the task, he’s there for you. Even if you can’t reach something. He’d laugh and ruffle your hair and tease you for your height before getting that thing you couldn’t get.

Every time winter comes, he gets into his feels. Seeing the fresh snow fall… winter is his season, but he feels oddly antagonistic now. He’s around you more as a source of comfort through the winter months.

He has a scar now right in the center of his chest. It kinda looks like a sparkle. He gets out of the shower and sees it in the mirror, and it results in having several mirrors getting replaced. He’s broken a lot of them.

If you ask, he’ll gladly allow you to spend time with Latte and Espresso outside of work. That’s his family, and to him t has also your family. Family get togethers are special to the coffee cookies as they’re so tight knit with each other. Latte would bring tea and tirimisu, coffee cakes, other layered cakes… and have a little picnic. That is, if espresso doesn’t bitch about work and tries to pull himself out of the get together. He goes anyway.

Subtle things you do for him warm his heart up.

Talk to him. Be there when he needs you. Be attentive.

“You have your mother’s eyes.”

He’s look at your with his eyes blown, those off white irises with dark brown pupils slim— feline in nature. He then slowly exhales and smiles warmly.

He’s taken aback to compliments like that and secretly melts under them, that and praise, which he rarely got as a kid. He’s hypersensitive to praise and will automatically turn to mush if you praise him.

Loves to cook with you as well. He’ll teach you some of the recipes that he had learned as a kid and pass them onto you. That way, you’ll be able to pass them on if you and Affogato decide to start a family.

He’s very keen on that idea too. The events that had passed made him realize that you’re the one for him. He’ll stop at no one or anything to ensure that he gets your hand, when the opportunity comes.

The events that had passed allowed him many self discoveries, trials, and errors. And you’re by far, his greatest accomplishment.

[whimsicalcotton]

when i like a character: oh yeah she's pretty cool

when i Like a character: she's horrible. she's perfect. she's everything to me. she's totally fine. she's an uncontrollable binge drinker. this is the music she'd listen to while having a mental breakdown. here's a conspiracy board on the intersections of her various mental illnesses. what if i drew her six thousand times in a row. do you think she'd like cherry candy. here are six songs and two music videos and one piece of choreography that make me think of her. this totally unrelated & incomprehensible image is so her flavored. i'm normal i promise

[maplecornia]

chapter three

m.list | sea of treasure m.list | ateez m.list | playlist

word count :: 3.11K

pairing(s) :: mingi x female!oc | taehyung x female!reader | hyunjin x female!oc | jimin x female!oc | jungkook x female!oc

genre :: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | idol au

summary :: “you said you'd stay by my side” 

warnings (constantly updated) :: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2025 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language | mentions of rape | childhood trauma | multiple forms of abuse | mentions of blood and injuries | toxic relationships | mentions of alcohol and drugs | r*pe | assault | graphic depictions of all the above

taglist [OPEN] :: @myork | @eunbinism | @soobmint | @jaeyunverse | @hyunjxnxee | @yesv01 | @kpopppy | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear | @mangminnie | @cana | @eridanuswave | @kodzuskook | @gongiz

"Don't tell me you're leaving already." 

At the voice, you smile, fondly peering over your shoulder. 

"I have to, Jade. I'm already running late." 

It's the truth, but still Jade scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. You don't blame her, after all, you've lost count of the amount of times you've escaped plans with her in order to practice more. Not to mention the number of times she's had to drag you away just so you could rest a few hours before your schedules repeated the next day. 

These past few months, it's been the only way you could distract yourself. 

"Good work today girls." At Bada Lee's voice, you straighten, dropping your things and turning to her immediately. She smiles as the two of you bow to her respectfully, nodding her head in return. "I'll be sure to see you guys in a few days to finish what we started." 

Her gaze turns to yours, and you swallow hard, bracing yourself for a scolding. You and Jojo were able to get here a few moments before Bada had begun teaching the choreography to the rest of the members, but your absence was painfully obvious at the meeting held just before she had agreed to choreograph for your team. In the heat of the moment, there was no time for her to speak to you, much less give you a lecture, but you could feel her disappointment hidden within her stone-cold glare throughout the practice. 

"Yen Lin, I presume?" You nod mutely in response, keeping your eyes trained on the ground. In doing so, you miss the smile that passes over her plump lips. "I'm glad to finally meet you." 

Shocked, you look up at her with wide eyes. Her smile spreads into a grin at the expression, nearly laughing as she places her hand on your shoulder in familiar comradery. 

"Don't look so frightful, I don't bite." You laugh nervously with her at the terrible joke, glancing at an amused Jade beside you for some assistance. You should've known she'd be no help, and you glare at her at her smug shrug when she turns away, leaving the two of you to talk. Gaining her composure, Bada shakes her head, a soft smile blooming on her face as she looks at you. "I have been wanting to meet you ever since that jaw-dropping performance you did last year." 

You're quick to deny the praise, shaking your head violently, and opening your mouth to bombard her with all the excuses and explanations you have been taught to say every time someone brought up your performance with Tae. But just as quickly, almost as though she expected it, Bada holds up her hand, stopping you in your tracks. 

"There's no need to worry, I wasn't referring to your 'act' I was talking about your skill." You blink in surprise. After all the backlash, you had thought no one even noticed you, that all they could see was the controversy. But she didn't. "I'm grateful I'm able to work with such a talented dancer as yourself." 

You're unable to speak, a strange feeling of gratitude blooming in your gut and rendering you frozen. She smiles at the sight, and you can't help but wonder if she knew just how meaningful her words were. Nodding towards the two of you, you barely remember to bow in farewell as she makes her way towards the door, saying goodbye to the rest of your members in the process. 

"You must be the luckiest girl in the world." Jade sighs, crossing her arms and giving you a look once Bada has stepped out of the practice room. The words bring you back to earth and you swallow hard, smiling to yourself as you shake your head. 

"Please, I'm no different than the rest of you." 

Jade scoffs at your humility. "You know, you're the reason she even considered working with us, right? If that's not talent or luck, I don't know what is." 

You shrug a bit meekly, a gesture that obviously presses Jade's buttons, as she pushes you playfully with her shoulder, sending you ricocheting back laughing. 

"Come on. I'm sure I'm not the only reason." You reply, shoving her back in retaliation. "After all, you worked in the same company with her." 

"Yeah, as a model." Jade snaps, rolling her eyes. "We hardly crossed paths, much less said more than a few words to each other." 

"Well, I don't know." You hum, as you resume packing up your things. "I hear you make quite the first impression." 

You smirk at Jade's bashful grin, the expression only spreading when she turns from you, muttering something incohesive under her breath. 

She hasn't changed. 

You've known Jade ever since high school. 

You still remember the first day she showed up in your classroom. The same awkward anxiety when you're a new student, much less a new citizen of a new country, clearly present in her as it was in you the first time you stood in front of an unfamiliar classroom all those years ago. She was your seatmate, and the two of you became quick friends. You bonded over the culture shock, your favorite foods from home, your favorite bands and songs, and your shared dream of dancing one day amongst the stars. 

You used to practice together in an empty, abandoned park every day after school until the sun had begun its careful descent behind the horizon. You would often sing your hearts out to all your favorite songs into the darkest of nights, staring up at the stars through your window and wishing fervently on every single one that one day you would be able to stand next to each other once your dreams had been realized. 

Now, because of you, her dreams might as well be ruined. 

"Are you sure you can't come?" You roll your eyes as Jade plops down on the bench where a diverse collection of bags, water bottles, and clothes have been scattered. 

"You know I can't." As you reach for your water bottle, however, it's quickly snatched out of your grip. You sigh, giving Jade a look, but she holds her hands up in mock surrender, showing that she's not the culprit. 

"Why not?" Turning around, you can't help but smile at the pout Katherine wears on her face as she tries, and fails, to sneakily hide the bottle behind her back. "We were gonna go eat tteokbokki!" 

Katherine is the youngest of the current lineup and the one with the least training, and yet she is probably one of the most talented trainees you've come across. You still remember the first time you were let in a practice room full of no more than twenty other trainees collected from other labels, HYBE's sub-labels, failed projects, and survival shows...and amongst all the trainees there, new and old, she was the only one who made it past the open auditions to get there. She didn't have any other trainee experience, she didn't belong to a previous company or get cut from a debut lineup; and yet, this was her first time making it past the auditions and she had already been considered for the lineup. 

While impressive, even now as you smile down at the young girl, you can't help but remember the way she had looked back then. Small and scared, even in comparison to other trainees younger than her. But that fire in her eyes? That was burning brighter than anyone else in that room and is still clear today.

You open your mouth to try and reason with her, but before you can, you catch sight of pitch-black hair and cold eyes heading for the exit. You take a step forward, trying to catch up to her, but Jade takes hold of your hand and pulls you down to sit beside her on the bench. 

"Hey--"

"Don't." 

Jade rolls her eyes at your expression of mock shock and confusion but doesn't release her grip on your hand. Instead, she places it in her lap, smiling smugly when you try to pull it away and she refuses to relinquish it. 

"What?! I wasn't going to do anything." 

"Oh please," Jade deadpans. "I know you, Yen. I know how that little brain of yours works." 

"So I take it Sunji wasn't invited to tteokbokki?"

At Jade's stern look, you let out an aggravated sigh. Katherine chuckles at the strange sound as she makes herself comfy on the floor in front of you, your water bottle still kept safely in between her fingertips. You fix the younger with a glare and, at the sight, she presses her lips tight together, but it's not enough to hide the growing smile on her face. 

"She'll warm up to us when she's ready, we can't force her to like us." Jade sighs as you look to the now vacant doorway, Sunji long gone, before begrudgingly nodding in agreement. 

As irritating as it is to admit it, Jade is right. You can't force her to like the three of you, even if you are all training to be a part of the same group. Not everyone grows close, not everyone likes you, and not everyone has to. Sometimes, this dream of yours is all it was made out to be, a job. Sometimes the people you work with are simply the people you work with. 

You can live with that. 

Jade nods, smiling sadly as she releases your hand, something hidden deep within her hazelnut eyes as she turns from you. 

But the look Jade gets on her face every time Sunji is near is not something you can handle. 

Like Katherine, Sunji was among the first selection of trainees in talks to debut under the company. To say she was popular is an understatement. Considering the fact that the amount of rumors and gossip you heard circulated about you after your performance paled in comparison to hers, you would have thought she had already debuted.  

Whispers would often be shared of her first appearance as a rumored member of a now-successful SM group. Jeers of how she was stuck in their trainee program for years until she had been announced as a contestant for a HYBE survival show program. Rumors of how even that backfired on her when she had to drop out due to health issues. 

And now, she was here. 

Initially, you respected her. She had dealt with an unheard amount of trials and tribulations to get to where she was today, and she had done it all with the world closely watching and speculating if she was even worthy enough to make it. She had dealt with these rumors, these insipid gossipers for longer than you had, and she didn't pay any attention to it. 

How did she do it?

How could she stay so strong? How could she take it all in stride, use their hatred and disdain to prove herself without a word? Why was it that she could do that, but the moment you faced even a little bit of criticism you nearly broke? 

In every evaluation, she placed high, even higher than you. In every practice, her movements were flawless, her notes near perfection. She could pick up the choreography after one look, read a sheet of music with little to no notes, and her performances...they were something you thought could only exist in dreams. You found yourself looking forward to them, finding an admiration in her that you had not felt for a long time. 

That all changed when she and Jade met. 

The first time Jade saw her was when the trainees had slimmed to around ten being considered for the final lineup. Jade had just been recruited, and the minute she stepped foot into the practice room, the minute her eyes met Sunji's, she froze. All the color on her face had drained, her eyes went wide, and she had dropped her bag to the ground with a startling thud. It was as though they were back in high school all those years ago. Only different somehow, deeper than jitters on your first day, almost personal. Before you could make any sense of it, however, Sunji had already left the room. 

Just as she had done for all the days that followed. 

You wonder why Jade won't tell you about her. About the history the two of them no doubt have. You used to tell each other everything because you knew that no matter what, you would be there for the other. 

What about Sunji makes that any different?

"Where are you going anyway?" Katherine wonders absentmindedly, turning your attention back to her spot on the ground. She's begun fidgeting with your shoelaces, tying and untying them, the bottle she had stolen a few moments ago now safe in Jade's hands as she helps you pack the rest of your things. You shake your shoe to interrupt her nimble fingers, smirking when she lets out a frustrated gasp. 

"I have to go to therapy." You reply, sticking your tongue out at her when she glares your way. 

"Since when do you go to therapy?" Jade says snarkily, her nose scrunching up as she pulls out a stray sock from your bag. "And when was the last time you did laundry?" 

Katherine laughs from the floor as you snatch the sock back, stuffing it deep into the abyss of your bag. 

"Since Yoongi so generously found me a therapist, and suggested I start attending weekly sessions." You reply, sarcastically imitating him as you zip up your bag and stand, kicking off Katherine's hands as she tries to pin down your shoes. 

"His words or yours?" 

"His." 

Jade rolls her eyes, crossing her perfectly toned leg over the other as she leans back on the bench as much as she can. 

"Figures." 

You can't help but snort at Yoongi's predictability, pulling Katherine's arms off your leg as she valiantly tries (and fails) to keep you back by force. 

"Plus I have this thing with my family." 

"Oh, that's today?" 

"What? What's today?" Katherine chirps from your leg, and you can't help the warmth that rises in your heart as you lean down to take her face into your hands and squeeze her cheeks tight. 

And faintly, in the back of your mind, you're reminded of a time when another used to cling to you so desperately. When she relied on you to be her rock, her safe space, the person who would always be there to hold her hand when things got too hard. When you hadn't broken your promise. 

When you didn't leave her behind. 

Shaking all thoughts of your sister from your mind, you take Katherine by both her arms and stand her up, brushing back stray pieces of her hair gently. 

"I'm helping my mom move out of the hospital." 

"Oh..." 

You smile at the way her eyes soften towards you in compassion and shake your head in reassurance. 

"Don't worry about me, Kat. I'll be fine." When you release her, you're already walking away. "I'll see you guys tomorrow!" 

However, before you can leave, Jade jogs up to you, stopping you at the door. "So, you know then?" 

You smile, touched at her concern, before nodding. 

"Yeah, Kalli called me last week." 

You had almost forgotten Jade and Melody were just as close. After all, you always had your sister by your side back then. If anyone knew you, they also knew her, you were that inseparable. 

You can't help the bitterness that rises in your throat at the thought, nor the guilt that still weighs heavily on your mind. 

Oh, how times change. 

Jade peers at you, and you can tell she's trying to read your expression. She's never been one for empathy, but when it came to you, she always wanted to know how you were feeling. And even though it was hard for her, she always tried to understand those feelings. It was something you always appreciated, that no matter how dark or confusing, she wanted to bear a bit of your burden if only to make it less painful. 

"Are you going to be okay?" 

"Why wouldn't I be?" Jade gives you a look, and you let out a deep sigh, smiling to yourself. "I mean, I am a bit nervous, but it's nothing I can't handle." 

"You say that a lot, you know." Jade murmurs, and when you look at her now, the sad look in her eyes takes you aback. "It never turns out to be true." 

You don't know what to say. And at the silence that begins to stretch between the two of you, Jade smiles, a twinge of bitterness and regret weighing heavily on the corners of her lips. You wish you could do something to ease that burden for her, but for the first time, you don't know how. 

After all, it's a burden you inflicted. 

"It's alright, Yen," Jade reassures you, taking your hand and running her thumb calmly on your skin. She knows that it's hard for you to understand the pain she feels when you choose to deal with things on your own, but she also knows she cannot change who you are no more than she can change herself. No matter how much she wishes she could. "You'd best get going, anyhow, your boyfriend's here." 

"Boyfriend...?"

You blink in confusion, hardly feeling it as Jade releases your hand when you turn to peer over your shoulder. A chuckle plays in her throat at the hope clear in your voice, before she pats you on the back and leaves you there, standing in the doorway. 

You wonder if she said that on purpose. If she wanted to see how you'd react if the person you wanted to see wasn't there. You wonder if she knew who you wanted to see or if she was just messing with you. Maybe she knew, maybe she didn't, but it doesn't really matter now, does it? 

Because the man you were hoping to see isn't the one that stands there, waiting patiently for you at the end of the hallway. The soft eyes that meet yours as he looks your way aren't the eyes that you had painted devotedly in your memory. The small smile that plays on his lips doesn't belong to the one whose smile lit up your whole world with the laughter and happiness you thought you had lost. 

He's not the one you wanted.

And yet, he still manages to take your breath away. 

"Yoongi." 

CH.04 HERE