#NEVER EVER TELL SOMEONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER THAT THEY GAINED WEIGHT DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS

[bedoballoons]

oh well if you didn’t get itI basically said that move to will probably not be able to control mui because he only appears to turn into ai but it’s just an illiusion.

for my request it was another mitsuri like us x character but we are sad about our past.

SPOILER FOR SEASON 3!!!!!

Due to mitsuri eating so much food, having be reallly strong and have pink and green hair. She was called a pig and one EX said that only a cow or pig would ever marry her which made her dye her hair black and eat 9x less than she needed. And when she found another partner she realized she don’t keep on pretending. One headcannon can I have about her is that you do this she gained an eating disorder. Where she will not eat as much as she needs.

can the characters be: wanderer,albedo,diluc,kaeya,xiao and one of your choice. I love your works and also My cat just had 3 KITTYS!!! I plan on naming them scarameow,kokkie and coco.🐱🐱🍫🍪

Ohhh! You know I really seem to write this show alot and I've still never seen it... :p CONGRATULATIONS on kittens!! Those are such cute names!! I hope they are all doing well ❤️❤️

─⊰⁠⊹ฺ🎃𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤⊰⁠⊹ฺ🎃

{༻~Mitsuri like reader~༺}

CW: Angsty! Reader has a eating disorder, has been called a pig and is self conscious about weight! (Pet names: Lyney: Mon chérie, my love,

A/n: I just wanted to say that if you've ever been called a pig, or cow or made fun of for your weight, please don't listen to them. Your body is beautiful and me personally I think you're amazing wether you're skinnier than average or heavier than average. You are gorgeous! ❤️

(Includes: Diluc, Lyney, Albedo, Xiao, Wanderer, and Kaeya!)

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𑁍༄Diluc:

Diluc set a plate in front of you, sitting in the chair across from you with a hopeful gleam in his red eyes...,"I haven't seen you eat anything all day...please, just a few bites. It's your favourite, fresh out of the oven." You looked down at the fresh warm food, the wonderful smell making your stomach churn unhappily, it was such a fatty dish...

Suddenly the harsh words of others started playing in your head, reminding you why you wanted to loose weight so badly..

Pig

Cow

Fatty

You pushed his cooking away, unable to even take a nibble, "I'm not hungry...sorry Diluc. It smells amazing though..." you tried to smile at him, but he clearly wasn't happy with your response. He took your hand into his and placed a kiss on your fingers, whispering against them with sorrow in his voice, "You are beautiful the way you are...please, don't listen to them."

𑁍༄Lyney:

Lyney hurried up to you, holding a freshly baked croissant in his hands that he'd gotten for the two of you to share, silently hoping you'd eat it with him...that all of his suspicions weren't true, "Mon chérie! Looks yummy hmm? Want to sit down for a bite?" His eyes met yours and he simply couldn't imagine how someone could say anything horrible about you, you...were the most gorgeous person in his eyes and he wished so desperately he could show you that.

"I don't mind if we sit and chat while you eat! I'm not really in the mood for a croissant right now, thank you though." You tried your best to sound sweet and truthful, feeling so guilty you had to lie to him...but you wanted to be perfect for him and loosing weight seemed to be the only way...at least in everyone else's eyes.

"...my love, I'll get you anything you wish to eat.."

"I'm just...not hungry right now Lyney."

He grasped your wrist softly, stopping you from walking away so he could kiss your lips...he'd find a way to show you your own beauty, he'd tell you every hour on the dot if he had to...

𑁍༄Albedo:

Albedo bit his lip, for once in his life he had encountered a problem he just had no idea how to solve, he thought of you as the true meaning of life, the very being that made him want to get out of bed every morning and show his love for you any way he could, a inspiration that never ceased to look perfect and yet...you didn't feel that way about yourself...

How could it be, how could someone break your heart...call you a pig for enjoying food...a cow, it bothered him to no end and he just couldn't wrap his head around that cruelty..."Klee and I made cookies...they are chocolate chip...with a few sprinkles, would you like some?" He sat next to you, Klee following after him, "Ohhh please try one! The sprinkles make them extra yummy!" She looked at you with such a cute face...that for a split second you considered it...they smelled so good and even with sprinkles you could tell they'd be delicious..but, you felt sick at the thought of taking bite...

"Awe next time Klee, I'm...not hungry right now..."

Albedo sighed...how was he going to fix this...

𑁍༄Xiao:

Xiao was having a hard time understanding your situation, it didn't make sense, why would the pathetic humans who couldn't compare to you in the slightest tell you such awful things...and why would you ever believe them? He was so worried about you, your normally plump cheeks sunken in slightly and your happy smile gone, you didn't enjoy eating...in fact he almost never saw you eat at all anymore.

He had to remind you every two minutes, just to take a few bites and even then you'd refuse, "You should eat...you need to. Please." You'd look away, slightly angry...slightly sad and just say you didn't want to, and it wasn't like he was going to force you to, but he wished there was a way he could help. He'd just have to keep telling you what was true...clearing their sick words from your mind with his sweet sentiments,

"You are the true meaning of every beautiful thing in this world, those mortals are threatened by it and seek to destroy you because of it...don't listen to them."

"You look perfect in my eyes..."

𑁍༄Wanderer:

"Why are you listening to those idiots! They probably wouldn't know what beauty was if it slapped them in the face! You are...ughhh" Wanderer groaned in annoyance, knowing full well yelling wasn't going to help you...but he was just so angry, how dare anyone bully you like that, get under your skin. "I'm sorry....I didn't mean to shout, I just, you can't believe what they are saying! Hell if someone like me, who's never loved anyone before...who never gave a damn what people looked like...could fall so goddamn hard for you, you have to be goregous. I will say that as many times as I have to!"

You fought the urge to cry, he didn't usually get so emotional over things like this, but he was worried about you and...for good reason, "Wanderer, I'm fine.." You tucked a piece of your pink hair behind you ear, trying to hide from his prying eyes that starred daggers at you, did you truly think he'd buy that? "Don't lie to me. You're not fine, you're hurting yourself...making yourself sick. Just tell me what to do! How do I help! What do I say...you're fucking perfect to me...isn't that enough?"

𑁍༄Kaeya:

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"Oh...are you sure you don't want just a bite. I've gone and ordered two, you wouldn't want me to have to eat both would you? I'd surely become ill with a stomach ache.." Kaeya scooched the plate in your direction, using every persuasive method he could think of...he'd already tried complimenting you over and over, flirting with you more often, showering you with kisses and love, but you still wouldn't enjoy a meal with him. This was his last resort...

"Kaeya..."

"Pretty please...just a little would make me so happy..."

You sighed, thinking about how much you'd eaten...or more rather, how much you hadn't eaten and took a small bite, the flavours tasting good, but not like they used to...it was difficult to even swallow. Kaeya seemed so proud though, so...hopeful.

◥(•̀￦•́)◤☪︎ ִ ࣪𖤐 ☾𖤓~Have a nice day~*⁠.⁠✧

[larissareadings]

It’s okay, love.

➤ pairing: Draco Malfoy x gryff!fem!reader (house barely mentioned).

Request: None

tw: eating disorder; mentions of bullying and anxiety attack.

Note: I’ve wrote this based on personal experiences and what I needed at the time. DO NOT read this if it’s not comfortable for you. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please reach out for help.

English is not my native language so I’m sorry if there is any mistakes. This is my first fic ever so it might not be so good. I hope you enjoy it though.

Summary: Y/N is a keeper at the Gryffindor (barely mentioned) team, who has been developing an eating disorder and Draco Malfoy seems to be only one who noticed it.

Y/N always had problems with her body image. At her early teens at Hogwarts she used to be mocked, mostly by Pansy Parkinson and her friends, because she was too thin. When Y/N turned 14, she started gaining weight since she was eating too much due to her increased anxiety, and then she was again being mocked, except now because she was getting fat, and everyone talked about it, even when they didn’t want to be mean, saying things like “you should get on a diet”. By 16, Y/N started focusing on her weight loss journey, she was finally gonna be health, delicate and beautiful as the other girls her age.

Some months later

It was right after the quidditch match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. They won, of course, since you’ve let too many quaffles go through the goal hoops. You’re a keeper at the Gryffindor team, and you’re good at it. When you’re not dizzy anyway.

“It happened again, didn’t it?”

you heard the familiar voice behind you. It sounded soft, which was not a usual thing. You closed your locker and turned around to face Malfoy. The others had already left the locker room, so now it was just you and him.

"It happened what again, Malfoy?" you asked him, trying to sound indifferent, when you were all, but that. He had some power over you, it was irritating actually, how nervous you would get when he was around.

Malfoy has been acting weird these past few months, he didn't tease you anymore. When his friends said anything about you, he would either just leave or just stare at you, but never laugh with them, never contribute to their bullying. He was the only one in the group who said nothing about your recent weight loss. The others did. Pansy would never loose the chance to say you finally learnt to shut your mouth.

You hated that he hadn't said anything, you worried you hadn't lost enough weight for him to notice, and you wanted him to see that you could be pretty too.

He looked in you up and down, checking you, before focusing on your eyes again and said "Dizziness."

You didn't understand why he was saying this, why he would notice you feeling dizzy. "Yeah.. just a little. I'm bit distract that's all". A few seconds went by where he said nothing, just stood there looking at you. Was that concern in his eyes? You couldn't tell. "Look, uhmm, I don't know where this is coming from, but I have to go. If you have any jokes to make about me being a bad keeper, or an ugly, fat bad keeper or whatever" you noticed him flinch at that, as if it had hurt him. "say it now or leave it for tomorrow 'cause I'm really tired and just wanna go to my bed"

He walked towards you, enough for him to talk low and look closely into your eyes, making you even more nervous, and said "You have to stop this, Y/N, it's making you sick."

"I don't know what you talking about"

Now he let out a breath in disbelief. "Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about? Let my clarify to you, then, It's a very simple concept, really, I thought you would know it by now." He was actually getting angry. "In order to live, people have to eat. It's the only way to get nutrients into your body. Really, Y/N, that's basics"

"I know about that. It's a good thing I eat, then, right?'' You said also angry now with his sudden aggressiveness.

"Do you though? 'Cause what I'm seeing-" he said gesturing to your body "is a girl fading away, a girl who plays with food at lunch instead of actually eating it, a girl who who used to be a great keeper, but now can't barely stand in a broom because is too weak to do so." He could feel his heart in his throat. He was so nervous, so scared you would fall off that broom. More than he could ever admit. He was keeping his worry to himself for months, hoping you would stop, hoping someone would intervene, but no one did. People just kept either praising your weight loss or humiliating you. But he couldn't stop himself anymore, if you had got hurt today, he would never forgive himself.

You felt your heart skip a beat at that. He was worried. Really worried. You didn't know how to react. You felt seen, someone saw what you were going through. But you also felt good, reassured. So you WERE thinner, and he noticed. “You know what? I don’t get it. Weren’t you and your friends the ones who said I was too heavy to play quidditch? that my weight would slow me down? that I would fall? that the broomstick couldn’t take it?” you now had tears in your cheeks. Your vision was blured by the tears and, God, you were so tired.

Malfoly’s heart might’ve actually broke in that moment. He was so angry at everyone who didn’t notice you hurting yourself, when he was actually the who drove you into it.

‘‘I am so tired.” you kept talking now, tears rolling down your face. “Why is it never enough? I’m tired. I’m thin, I’m ugly. I’m fat, I’m ugly too, and disggusting. I need a diet. I do a diet. and now fading away? OH well, just let me be happy for once.and I am happy now, ok? I’m finally beautiful.” You were talking so fast and you were feeling so weak. Malfoy saw that, so he immediately hold you in a hug, preventing you from falling. Your head were now in his chest, and you were trying to stop crying, trying to make your heart go back to it’s normal rhythm.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, love.” He said stroking your hair. “I’m sorry” he said almost inaudible.

After a few minutes you heart and breathing were finally stable again. You detached yourself from his harms, although his hands were still in both sides of your arms. You looked up to him with watery eyes. You hated crying in front of people. "I'm sorry" you said.

"It's okay." He said again, looking back at you. Taking his hesitant hand, like he was afraid to actually break you, to clean your cheeks from the tears. "I promise".

"Why are you doing this?" you were really confused. You had never seen Malfoy this gentle and.. scared?

He caressed you cheeks while looking from your eyes to your mouth. He then joined your foreheads and spoke really low, like a whisper. “I need you, Y/N.”

“what?” you said also in a whisper. you couldn't believe what you were hearing.

“I need you, and I need you to get better. This is making me crazy. I’m scared all the time. I’m scared you’re gonna fall off the stairs, or the broom. I’m scared of you getting hurt. Please.. just- just let me help, ok? Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. Anything.”

“Can you.. uhmm. eat? with me, I mean” you asked detaching your heads to look in his eyes.

“Sure” He said immediately. “Is that all?”

“No.” you let out a breath in relief with his answer and smile a little. “But it may be a start. I think”

“Ok.” He returned your smile. “You should probably talk with someone else, though. Someone who could help more. A professor, maybe. I’ll go with you, if you want me to.”

“Yeah.. ok. Can we go to McGonagall, then? Not now, please. When I’m ready.”

“Of course. Anyone you want, love.” He said looking back at you before you hugging him again. Letting your head rest in his chest while he stroke your hair again. This felt like home to both of you. You were so scared, but he was hopeful. He would do anything for you to feel better.

This whole not eating thing made you so tired, but it was also so addictive. You didn’t know if you could ever get better, but maybe this was a start. Having someone to lean on, someone who cared.. it certainly helped.

[moonlit-positivity]

Lesser known effects of trauma that don't ever get acknowledged

Cw: mentions of csa, sa, despair, depression, & generally dark content that some may find hard to read. Please interact & read with care.

"bed rotting" (which I hear is gaining attention on TikTok these days) ie the process of becoming bedridden due to your body being stuck in freeze response (paralyzed w fear, too scared to move)

Needing to cut your hair bc it keeps getting matted down, because you can't shower or wash it or keep up with it anymore

Gaining weight (i gained over 200lbs in a year), losing all the clothes you once fit in, and feeling guilty when all you see everywhere all the time is fat shaming

Losing weight (and subsequently all your clothes start falling off 😭) eating disorders and struggling with body image

Existing off of God knows what at this point. Is that milk spoiled? Yeah but how many days is it spoiled? Mmm, nah, nevermind, I'll just eat air.

Losing track of time. Losing months to years of time because of extreme dissociation, fatigue, stress, and the inability to move

Brain & body "shut down" or go into sleep mode for long periods of time

Self hygiene becomes non existent. Showering? Brushing teeth? Changing clothes? Don't know her.

House cleaning becomes non existent. "If It's Not In The Vacinity, It's Not Getting Done."

Lying to everyone about what's going on because it's easier than telling the truth

Not being comfortable with having your pictures taken, go through a phase where you destroy any evidence you ever existed anywhere at all

Isolating & ghosting all ur friends periodically to make sure they're not gonna leave you (lol makes perfect sense, if you know you know)

Animal upkeep goes to shit. Litter box goes neglected for long periods of time.

Noise & light sensitivity goes haywire. Noise & light triggers get amplified especially once you start to feel any sense of "safety" and start decompressing. An alarm goes off, the stove beeps, the cat meows, anything that makes even the slightest noise in the foreground and you have a whole ass panic attack and find yourself in bed for the rest of the day

Agoraphobia. You never go outside ever again. Too much paranoia, too many eyes staring at you, too many reasons to panic and stay in bed

Life becomes so non existent that the only thing that matters is whatever you're currently doing to cope & survive. If you're addicted to something, well, it's a fucking miracle you even wake up anymore

Couch surfing and inevitable homelessness when people get tired of housing you. Having to confront the way society frames government assistance as "the lazy man's income" & hope disability goes through. Which it won't. Wait-lists out the ass, section 8 takes 5 years or more to kick in. Disability doesn't even go through bc they always deny the first time you apply. The process is littered with appeals and court dates and what the fuck, I can't even get out of bed. What the fuck. What the fuck.

Leaning into your despair because, despite what everyone on social media will shout at you about resilience and "not allowing yourself to fall into despair," they will never understand that concept that despair is there for a reason too. Youre looking at someone who was raped at 5 years old and youre telling them to "stay positive." Yeah okay.

The anger, the bitterness, the resentment at the world & everyone in it. The cold blooded urge for revenge & justice. Especially when there's nothing you can do about the fact that your abusers are still free to live and roam this world as they please.

Not being able to "talk about it." Not being able to "trust a safe space." That's bullshit. I was beat and abused my whole life, what the fuck you mean "safe space?" The absolute mind fuckery that you have to sit with and undo and learn the fact that they fucking lied to you. It is enough to kill you.

Everything you learn in therapy just pisses you off even more because why the fuck wasn't there someone there as a kid to teach you this shit???? Why the fuck do I have to learn this as an adult???? Where was this when I actually fucking needed it????

Nothing helps. Nothing soothes, because there is no soothing. There is only pain. It's like ripping your skin off.

Losing everything. Losing all your friends. Losing all your "cool status" points. Losing your reputation. Losing all the things that once brought you great joy and passion. There is nothing anymore. Pain and isolation and desolation and despair.

Learning that no one can relate. Except that's not entirely true at all. People can relate. It's just such a stigmatized topic that no one talks about it out loud, because no one else in society really gets it.

[poisoned-pearls]

Jamiazu where Jamil showers Azul in genuine compliments, just to see him blush. Lots of them about his appearance and his genius— mostly about his appearance. Just him getting confident enough to do so, and Azul having an s/o who gives him thoughtful words.

Idk I just think it’s cute.

((Bobdy worshp))

auauaaghhh I think I understand what ur going for-!!!

I think once they start dating Jamil would catch on to Azul’s eating disorder pretty early on, and helps him slowly recover through his meals and such- but ESP with him gaining weight again. To me, Azul is Scarily underweight for an octomer, bc even in human form they NEED to weight above a certain amount to have the correct size to mass conversion ratio when transforming. But Azul’s so conscious abt his appearance it’s his biggest hurdle with recovery.

with Jamil however, chubby Azul is peak of what was considered attractive back home. Being fatter was a sign of wealth, and glamorized as just- the prettiest thing you could be.

so he TELLS him as such. “You’re such a pretty guy, Azul. You know that, right?” “That suit looks good on you.” “You’re so handsome.” “I love your eyes.”

Usually he compliments him when they’re getting ready, or whenever he first sees him (like at the beginning of class), but he loves to just hold Azul’s face sometimes when they’re alone and list every single thing he likes about it because Azul’s face going bright blue is probably his favorite part.

So this eventually allows Azul to become way more comfortable with himself because, well, Jamil likes it, and he’s never going to say Jamil is wrong.

(And Azul eventually gets comfortable enough around Jamil to wear shorts and even take off his shirt sometimes. He ends up really enjoying just laying around with Jamil in shorts and a stolen hoodie)

Azul does deserve someone who gives him a ton of compliments tho!!! Jamil also definitely compliments his intellect but I think that’d end up being more like “I hate you” (said when Azul noticed smth small with the most affectionate tone ever)

[yanderefairyangel]

So if I understand they censored the og support of seadall because they were scared that the fandom would read that as eating disorder and the fandom ended up reading it as eating disorder anyways ? And I though Treehouse couldn't be worse at their job

Not really.

From what I observed Treehouse removed entirely anything that had to do with body image. They removed that for Seadall, but also some support about Goldmary talking about wanting to lose weight as well and they also removed any mention to physical beauty. I am not joking. For example, they removed one line in Ivy's diary talking about her beauty. They also made sure to translate Céline telling Celica that she is beautiful by "how marvelous", or Rafal's S support where we from "you find me attractive, I get it !" to "I may possess superficial charm"... I think it's in reality to not hurt the "body positvity" movement by presenting "fatphobic" content because of course not wanting to gain weight immediately translated into being fatphobic ! (did they forgot where the game they translate comes from ??)

And again, to know whether or not Seadall has ED we should have someone familiar enough with JPN culture and eating habits reading his original support to tell us that. But with the current Eng dub, you can't make such conclusion. It would be like using Peri as an example of badly written mental illness when a lot of what Peri's says in the ENG version doesn't exist in the JP version. However, if JP Seadall was indeed supposed to be read as having ED... well, that clearly doesn''t help Treehouse's case AT ALL.

But tbh, it's not the only mark Treehouse missed. After all, they still managed to make people believe that the platonic Veyle/Alear S support was romantic in JP when they literaly are the same freaking conversation, almost translated literaly but of course, they had to add Alear and Veyle saying and repeating over and over "WE ARE SIBLINGS HAVING A SIBLINBS CONVERSATON ABOUT DEEPINENING OUR SIBLING BOND IN A SIBLING WAY LIKE NORMAL SIBLING DO BTW DID YOU KNOW WE ARE SIBLINGS JUST BONDING AS SIBLINGS IN THIS SIBLING CONVERSATION SUPPOSED TO HELP US BUILT A NEW BOND AS SIBLINGS?" like come one, we really didn't need it, it was already obvious in the JP version that it was platonic, do you really believe we need Alear and Veyle to hammer it down our throat ? You could already guess it but nope, they had to add lines of Alear and Veyle reaffriming 5 times they are just siblings bonding just so "we don't get the wrong idea" and that is precisely WHAT gave people the wrong idea about support they never ever read.

Idk I just wished they would stop adding things that don't need to be here in the first place

[madame-fear]

Hey can you maybe do both dk and gotham jonathan crane learn that their s/o has or had a eating disorder

TW // MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDERS, ANOREXIA, THROWING UP, SELF-IMAGE ISSUES.

if you or a loved one suffer from eating disorders, make sure to get help for them/yourself immediatly before it worsens. You're perfect just the way you are, and nobody should think any lower of themselves. ♡

GOTHAM JONATHAN :

• Gotham! Jonathan will be completely devastated at finding out such things about you. How can his precious loved one can hurt themselves this way?

• Being the sensible soul he is with you, his heart will literally break, and his eyes will immediatly get watery when he finds out about your eating disorders because you fainted out of nowhere.

• He will feel so stupid with himself for not having realised earlier about it. The more he thinks about your eating disorder, the more he'll realise how little to nothing you've been eating.

• Jonathan hates it when he talks to you about it, and you look away in shame. It literally breaks his heart so much, and the pain awfully stings for you.

• Of course, he'll do whatever he can to offer you his support. He'll get you the best doctors in all of Gotham to help you out, he'll be by your side the whole time, he'll encourage you by telling you you're so perfect just the way you are, and that you couldn't be any more perfect to him.

• Just tell him why you do it, please; and he'll do whatever is needed to help you with your insecurities, or even, if someone provoked you to feel this way, he'll get rid of him/her in the blink of an eye with the help of his gang/J Squad.

• He'll prepare you the most perfect, healthy food he can ever prepare for you. He'll give you literally a princess treatment only to let you know how dearly he is affectionate of you.

• Lets you know how proud he is of you when you gain a normal weight, and when you look more confident in yourself! Will cherish and praise you to no end, and will give you the most tender kisses.

DK! JONATHAN :

• Much like Gotham! Jonathan, it would've taken him a while to notice how pale and skinny you were. Not because he doesn't pay any attention to you, but rather, because he is overwhelmed with work.

• Jonathan briefly noticed you looked oddly different to what you used to look like, but sadly he couldn't look for to long as he had to hurry to leave to his work at Arkham.

• So he had to notice the bad way: which was finding you harshly forcing yourself with your fingers in your mouth to throw up whatever you ate, all alone in the bathroom, right after he came back from work but you didn't seem to notice him.

• His heart would pound so fast at such horrible sight, and he will break into the bathroom to aid you from yourself. He'd tightly have you pressed against his chest as he wipes from tears from your face, and some strands of hair covering your precious facial features.

• He'll help you get up, throw the flush, and will get you all cleaned and pretty so you can feel bettet with yourself. Of course, this is all only so you can sit down with him and talk to him about it.

• As you tell him about your low self esteem regarding your image, his heart will shatter in thousands of pieces. He'd wonder, how could he have not noticed how badly you looked? Also like Gotham! Jonathan, he'd want to slap the shit out of himself.

• He'll also get you the best doctors ever, and will do so much researching about eating disorders: what exactly are they, how do they happen, how can you help someone who suffers from it, etc.

• This man will literally never leave your side before and after you make a huge progress with your self esteem. And of course, he'll scold to himself for not having noticed before, but he know he'll keep a close eye on you for whatever you may need.

• You're his brave girl whom he absolutely adore with all his heart, and he'll let you know always.

──────────────────────

♡ taglist : ♡

@wittywitchness @anemicroyalties @imagine--if @scarecrow-jon-babe

[caffeinatedopossum]

Tw ed recovery talk (also sorry this is INCREDIBLY long. I had a lot to say)

I think the reason I never talked much about my ed recovery is because in my opinion, the majority of ed recovery "inspiration" or encouragement I see (or get unsolicited in replies or asks or reblogs) aren't for me and quite frankly these things are way more triggering than accidentally stumbling upon thinspo or something has ever been for me.

They're also overly positive imo and used to make me feel like I could simply never recover because I couldn't hold onto that mindset. It was just unrealistic for me.

They usually only take into account neurotypical cisgender people (especially women but that's getting better) who are able bodied, had their eating disorders relatively short term, haven't had multiple failed recovery attempts already, and are at least wealthy enough to reliably afford food, new clothes that will fit when/if they gain weight, and healthcare. None of these things apply to me and its impossible for me to recover the same way a person under those circumstances would.

For example, I can't just love my body. My body brings me a lot of pain and distrust and holds very little value to me. I don't enjoy eating as much as I think other people do. I have sensory issues heavily tied in with my ed. I can't cook. At the beginning of recovery, I physically couldn't eat or afford food and I still haven't gotten proper clothes. I don't know when I will be able to. I've had my ed for almost a decade. I can't eat intuitively due to adhd and autism and need someone to tell me when I should eat. I have permanent damage from my ed that will never go away.

Instead of seeking out positivity and encouragement, I retreated to what I needed- which was time, understanding, people to talk to, and honestly to just get it (the first few months of recovery) the fuck over with. I don't feel like I ~chose~ to recover or that I had some grand motivation for doing so. Recovery even initially made me intensely suicidal, made my anxiety and ptsd worse, worsened my sensory issues and my chronic pain significantly all before I noticed any positive impact.

Not much has even changed since considering myself fully recovered- well, things *have* definitely changed, but they're not better. They just are what they are. In some weird way where the suffering and happiness balance out and are equal to that of when I gave in to my disorder.

I don't want my pain to be pushed aside, I want to understand it. Because there's a lot of it and the more I shove it into the closet, the more it will bury me when that door is opened again. Moral of the story, if you think it's impossible for you to recover it isn't. But it is possible that you don't have what you need in order to make it happen right now and thats okay. Take your time and try to understand yourself. I'll always be here if you need advice or to vent or to talk to someone who will try to understand.

[memesomething]

Eating Disorder sentences

eating disorder tws apply, obviously! dead dove do not eat, this is very much what it says on the tin including triggers (intentional ‘this is a bad thing to say’ faux pas) for anorexia, bulimia, ARFID, and binge-eating disorders. please be safe ❤️

“Are you... throwing up?”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“[Name], you need to eat something.”

“So you only eat, like, three things?” 

“Have you ever thought that might be... a problem?”

“I didn’t know that about you.”

“Do you... have you ever purged?”

“I’m only asking because I’m worried about you. Did you eat anything today?”

“Let’s get rid of our set of scales. We’ll just donate them.”

“I didn’t think you’d get it.”

“It’s not -- it was never about body image.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Sometimes I don’t eat at all and sometimes I... eat a lot.”

“It’s stupid.”

“Let’s eat lunch together?”

“Could you -- I’d like to eat with someone. Can I buy you lunch?”

“Have you just ... been managing this on your own?”

“I know it’s difficult. I’m proud of you.”

“You know, there have been studies about eating disorders being similar to an addiction.”

“I wish I had your self-control.”

“If you’d just stop/start eating, things would be fine.”

“Can you tell me how to lose/gain weight?”

“You need to eat more than that.”

“If you don’t try it how do you know you don’t like it?”

“Just eat already.” 

“You don’t want something I spent hours cooking?”

“That’s not a healthy diet.”

“You look so healthy.” 

“How many calories are in that?”

“You’ve put on weight. You look amazing.”

“Why are you doing this to yourself/to me/to us?”

[emptifylie]

today my boyfriend who knows i’m struggling with my ed tried to fuck me. we were making out when he took my belt off and started trying to open my jeans. i turned around on my side hoping he would stop and he kept trying but eventually stopped and said he doesn’t think i actually like him. he seemed really upset. he knows about my eating disorder and he kept calling my skinny and saying i’ve gotten so skinny and how much he loves my small waist. we were so high and i kept getting smoke blown into my face. every couple minutes as we were laying on his bed i would fall asleep and forget where i was. i’m sitting at home after eating for the first time in a few days and i’m in a lot of pain. i tried texting him but he isn’t responding. i don’t think he loves me anymore and i don’t think he’ll be happy if i gain weight. he tells me he wants me to eat more but talks about how much my small body appeals to him. he cut my wrists and bit me today while telling me my wrists were so small and how much he likes that. i will continue to be getting sicker and sicker and i have someone who wants me to, though he would never say that. i don’t know what’s gonna happen tonight. he might break up with me because i’m not giving him what he wants and maybe even because i’m not skinny enough. anyways, i lost more weight. about 5lbs in the last 3 days. i’m really unhappy. i’m unhappy because my boyfriend wants to fuck me and i just want to have someone care. i’m unhappy because my body is covered in cuts bruises and hickeys that i don’t want there anymore. i’m happy my body is getting smaller. i’m mad i ate today. i don’t feel like myself anymore is honestly just the whole point. i genuinely don’t know what happened or why i’m unhappy. my friend asked me the other day why i seem so unsatisfied when i spoke about my life recently. i don’t know why. i have a boyfriend who says he loves me and is quote, obsessed with me. i have a lot of friends and i go out everyday. i’m high or drunk daily. i’m skinny again. or at least getting skinny again. though im failing my classes i get cut slack because they just don’t have the energy to care anymore. they found rotting food under my bed and though they were upset they don’t care anymore. i do what i want and when i want to, so why am i so unhappy? why do i want to die so fucking bad, why do i want everyone and everything to go away as to feel absolutely nothing. why don’t i want to fuck him. why don’t i want to live like a normal human fucking being. when did my life get better and why isn’t it helping? when did it get so hard to be happy, idk if i ever will be again. if i’ll ever be able to let out a laugh that wasn’t forced or a smile that wasn’t faked. to have the desire to speak and to love and to receive love and to show that i care about someone. everytime they tell me they love me it hurts my stomach to try and get an i love you out of me. it hurts to have to call someone beautoful even if they truly are. to accept those same compliments back from someone. to be satisfied with what i have now and not want to go back to what i had before. satisfaction is something i will never have. i will never be satisfied with the love i revive i’ll never be satisfied with the food that i eat, the body thst i have, the drugs and the highs. i guess i’m going nowhere because wherever i go i’ll feel the same. maybe when i’m sicker.

[growandrecover]

Hii, I have a question.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything, and no one ever really knew I had an eating disorder, which leaves me thinking if I ever did. My disorderedbehaviors started a year ago, and it has been just two months of *actual* restriction and fasting. With such a short term problem, could I still call myself anorexic? (or former anorexic, as I am trying to recover now)

Let me just start this off by saying, a formal diagnosis is not required for you to consider yourself an anorexic (or a bulimic, orthorexic, someone with bed, someone with ednos, etc.).

**Before I say anything else, I just want to mention that I am not a professional, in any shape or form (though hopefully one day, I will be), I just happen to have an ed and have been treated for it. I can't diagnose you, but I am someone who believes that self diagnosing can be very helpful and "empowering", in a sense. Also, me explaining this topic is not me being "pro" anything. (Anon, this is not pointed at you, I'm just saying this for the people who are reading this and could possibly interpret it the wrong way.) I am not pro ana, pro mia, or pro any other harmful behavior. I am, however, pro recovery, and if you need help, please don't hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to.

I'm going to put the rest of this post under a 'keep reading' in case anyone finds this triggering. (Anon, please don't take this as an insult, I am more than happy to answer your question <3 )

TW: ed behavior, symptoms of eds, mention of addiction, and specifications of anorexia (types). Please do not continue if you think this will be triggering to you in any way.

Honestly, I guess it depends on what the disordered behavior looked like prior to what it does currently. Fasting and restriction aren't the only ways to be considered an anorexic.

Also, no one knowing you were having trouble does not mean you didn't/don't have an ed. I think of eds as an addiction (just like drinking or gambling), and addicts are known for being good at hiding what they're addicted to. Our disorders tell us that we have to keep it a secret, and we listen. Even though I've been in recovery for over a year now, my mom and I talk about my ed sometimes, and she always admits to me that while she knows a lot of what I went through, she'll never know the entirety of it. And it's possible that it'll be the same for you.

But, I do have a DSM-5 (I needed one for a psych class), and this is what it says:

"There are three essential features of anorexia nervosa: persistent energy intake restriction; intense fear of gaining weight or of becoming fat, or persistent behavior that interferes with weight gain; and a disturbance in self-perceived weight or shape." (pg 339, American Psychiatric Association)

There are also 2 types; restricting and binge/purge. (both of which use a timeline of the last 3 months. for example: during the last 3 months, the individual has done *insert disordered behavior in here*)

It says a lot more than that, but I think (hope) that may be the most helpful to you.

I think it's 100% up to you whether or not you consider yourself an anorexic. You're the only one who knows what that looked like for you, and it's yours to decide. :)

If you'd like more information from the DSM, or if you have any other questions, feel free to send me a message or another ask.

I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery, and I'm sending you lots of love and well wishes, darling. ♡

[adayinthelifeofafat]

Time to dig deeper.

Like I said, it’s time to dig deeper into why I am the way I am. I know I said it on my post earlier that I would tell you guys more of my past. So here we go…

My weight issues started when I was very young, because I started my period when I was seven. I know very young. But, as my mom says “it’s something in the milk!!”

Ever since then, I would find myself eating more and more and every doctor I went too told me it’s normal because I was a growing girl. But, when I finally hit full on puberty, the doctors I was visiting and going too always told me I should stop eating certain things, or else I’ll put on too much weight, and I would have acne problems.

My mother just laughed at them and never once told me I couldn’t eat something. She grew up not having much. So she refused to let me go without. Because of that, I wasn’t allowed to leave the table without eating everything on my plate.

And if I did leave my plate without finishing it, I would have to eat it later or in the morning. Even if I truly didn’t like it. Because of that, I always feel like I’m forced to finish everything on my plate even though I’m not hungry any more.

When I started growing into woman hood, I’ve noticed things about my body that other women didn’t have. My periods were always irregular, and when I did have them they were extremely painful. Every doctor I had went too always told me that I was over exaggerating, and that there’s nothing wrong with me.

Even though I knew different.

It took 17 years my friends.

17 YEARS FOR THEM TO TELL ME I HAD PCOS.

Can you believe that?

With this comes other things, such as weight gain, and insulin resistance which can cause weight problems as well. Even though, I, am very active. No matter how active I am, no matter how much water I consume or how little food I eat, I always seem to gain weight.

And the doctors always tell me that my thyroid is fine, and my blood work is perfect. It took a PA ONGYN to tell my doctor at the time, that I had full blown PCOS and my weight issues are because of that.

Even then, the doctor still tells me: “are you sure it’s not just because you’re over eating?”

Telling this to someone who had/has an eating disorder is the worse thing you could ever do. How stupid can you be?

I’ll follow more into this in my next blog. Love you all.

[yanderepuck]

I want to tell you guys a story about my ED.

I was fairly small all through school and college. I have an hourglass figure, which don't get me wrong I love it. Wide hips, small waist, large chest. And I mean large. At 14 I was a D cup, and by 18 when I graduated I was a DDD. But the rest of my body stayed the same. My measurements were roughly 44-32-44 (bust-waist-hip; inches).

Amazing hourglass figure honestly. But I still wasn't considered attractive. I wasn't the "cute by crazy" girl. Just crazy (because I like anime and sorta dressed goth). It didn't necessarily bother me. But I think in the long run it's affected me. I've never been. Considered attractive. I was 5'2" and about 135 lbs with those measurements, maybe slightly smaller.

And because all my friends are around me getting into relationships or have guys interested in them I sorta thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was fat. Doctors told me to lose weight at 14.

Now I had no clue what anorexia was or eating disorders. It's 2012 mind you. But due to my daily schedule I was able to get away with eating maybe once a day. I didn't eat breakfast, never did. I'd eat lunch at school bc I packed a lunch, and a good amount of time I didn't eat dinner unless if my mom made something I loved. So for 4-5 years all I was eating was my lunch around 11am every day.

I never thought much of it until summers would come and I would go 3 days without eating. The 4th day I ate a sandwich, and then the cycle continued. I still barely thought of it.

Went to college in 2016 and that's when I sorta started to realize what I was doing. It's not that I didn't eat to feel skinny or anything, I just never felt hungry. But I slowly started to eat more. I went to an art school. We're all weirdos, but still no one ever had an interest in me, and I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I started being more feminine. Wearing more fitted clothing. Got into make up.

Slowly started to eat more too. No issues. Then I started to realize that I thought food was a waste. I ate it because I had to, and now I'm actually starting to enjoy it. But in 2017 I'm finally convinced to start taking medication for my anxiety and depression. Try different combinations of medications until something works. End up in the hospital in 2019. Get put on new medications and I take them. That's that.

It's now summer of 2021. I'm trying to go out with friends and none of my summer clothes fit. Nothing about my daily life has changed. I work a desk job now so I'm not moving around as much, but I'm still moving and lifting stuff in the warehouse a lot. But what happened? In not even 2 years my medication caused me to go from 135 lbs to 205lbs. My measurements are now 48-46-48 roughly. I have such a gut that so much of what I have doesn't fit. I'm a 38H in my bra size.

Before I realized it was my medication doing this I went to the gym everyday for two months. I damn well know there's no improvement after a week or two, not for someone like me who is still fairly small. Two months of working out, lifting weights running for an hour everyday? 0 improvement. The only thing that happened was that I maintained the same weight rather than increasing it.

After that I lost motivation. How tf am I going to lose enough weight to feel comfortable with myself if even after 2 months nothing happened. So I stopped the dedication of going that often.

Then I got the idea that it was my medication and I went off of it. I went off of it, I started making sure I ate less, I was making myself throw up. By that time though I didn't really go to the gym. I lost hope that even though i took out the factor that was making me gain weight.

February 2022. I'm in Europe. I'm walking everyday but still only eating one meal a day. One meal around 3 pm and I'm good until the next day. A month and a half of that and I lost 10 lbs. Yes all that walking helped but the quality of food does too.

It's now May 2022 and after losing those 10 lbs I feel a little more hopeful that I actually can lose weight and be comfortable with myself finally. My issue now? Finding the time to work out. Finding the motivation to tell myself to do it.

I work 9-7 doing alterations. I'm sitting most of the day. But it's a consistent schedule I can work with that. Oh but I don't pass any cheap gyms on my way to work.

Getting up early to do it at home? I don't have the self discipline anymore to do that, but I'm going to try.

I'm okay with my thighs being as big as they are, I'm okay if I don't lose all the weight in my arms, or even getting my waist back down to 32(tho 34, would be nice) I'm mainly worried about this goddamn belly pouch.

I KNOW. It'll never be flat. That's not what I'm wanting. I have realistic expectations. Half the size it is now would be great. Losing weight in my face would be great.

Rather than going into exercising full and doing the most, I'm starting out small. Do one thing consistently before adding something else to it.

I don't eat while I'm at work. Maybe I have a waffle before I leave, but in reality I only eat between the hours of 7:30pm and whenever the hell I fall asleep. I drink a lot of water and tea.

I just want to feel good about myself for once in my damn life

[hoshiyoshis]

hey babe just popping in to say ur right seeing chan say that is really concerning not just (especially) for him but for his fans as well. you do not need to diet. You are a beautiful person who deserves to eat. You deserve to eat when youre hungry and when you arent happy with urself and when its a meal time and you deserve a little treat when u feel like it. I love chan but i definitely feel like it can be harmful to talk about dieting in such a way and especially when he has so many people looking to him for inspiration and comfort. I hope hes okay but i also hope you are okay. I know how hard it can be and im so proud of you and i hope you have a nice warm meal that fills you up just right and all you have to think about is the warmth in ur belly and in ur heart. 🥰🥰🥰🤦‍♀️💖❤💜💙

this is really sweet and really means a lot, anon, i hope you know that. it's... very easy for me to get hit with self-loathing about my body, especially when i see other people say those sort of things (as u can tell from this whole thing about chan), or after a doctor's appointment where my health is perfectly fine but seeing certain numbers or words fuck with me despite the fact i'm healthy.

i'm gonna put some more thoughts under a readmore just because i tend to ramble a lot and i don't wanna put a long-ish post on anyone's dash but i have more thoughts here (but if you don't wanna read those, thank you again for your kind words <3 self love is a very long and hard journey and i have in the past and will continue to struggle with in the future. it's just a journey i gotta keep working on, and maybe one day i'll at least be able to appreciate my body for keeping me alive even if i'm not happy with it yet)

[warning for like... talks of potential eating disorders/disordered eating and fatphobia, ig? just tread with caution if any of this bothers u im sorry :( ]

like... i feel like there's always going to be a certain line you have to be careful of when you talk about dieting, btw. i don't think chan meant anything bad by what he said (he's a very genuine person from what i've seen, and there's a reason he has such a comforting presence for a lot of people, me included) and i genuinely hope that he never like... feels bad about that if he ever happens to see how it can impact people? like you said, a lot of people look to him for inspiration and comfort, and i feel safe in saying at least some of those people are going to be people under eighteen. i'm not saying it's impossible to happen to anyone under twenty or even twenty-five, but i think the weird, hard part of being a teenager can make those feelings a lot worse--or even anyone in his audience who has dealt with things like EDs or disordered eating on its own. it can be a very slippery-slope right back into those habits, especially hearing them said by someone you look to for motivation/comfort/etc.

which isn't to say i blame chan at all! from what it sounds like, this is definitely something that was pushed onto him? like, idk, i don't know so this is all speculation, but he did say that both his members (which, btw, not a huge surprise just because of how rampant fatphobia is in this industry: i don't really blame them for having that mindset tbh) and the staff sorta kept pointing out him gaining weight.

which btw... where? chan you gotta show me where baby because i cannot fucking see it at all but that's beside the point. you don't have to visibly have gained weight to feel like you've done it.

i just hate the way he said that he needs to do this 'properly' so much. like this isn't proper. eating a single meal a day and barely anything else isn't proper, and i feel like we can probably guess he'd be working out alongside this alongside the work he's already doing.

idk man i just wanna give him a kiss on the forehead and tell him that it's okay if he wants to lose weight but he should do it for himself and he should do it properly. like i've been there. it sucks. you feel like shit and i can't imagine being busy with everything he's busy with and also not eating enough. like idk im not a bee-tee-ess stan but i've read about the shit that j*min went through considering he passed out during rehearsals from barely eating (and, god, it does make me feel better to see a lot of people citing where he's not doing that anymore: i'm not a stan, but he seems like a sweetheart and i wish the best for him + his group). like, not to focus purely on chan again, but it does make me worry about him more.

how far can it go? how far will it go? i don't want to find out. i just want him and the rest of skz to stay healthy and happy, and something like this is going to stop chan (and felix, from what i've read--he also went on a strict diet at one point...? i'd have to look into it more) from being either.

[hey-its-isaac]

regarding september 3rd, being 15, and heartbreak

this account was originally made because i wanted to write poetry

i just ended up repurposing it, which is why i had already had one at the time. made it in january 2018, hey its isaac

prior to now, that would've been the lowest point of my life. i never talked about this much, but i hated myself. looking back, what i did was the right and mature thing. i didnt go into a relationship i wasn't ready for. i didn't talk about how i felt though, because i wasn't the one that was hurt. not in my mind, anyway. i became quite the bad person from that self-hatred. but is any 15 year old good?

i didn't see it as a mature decision as i do now however. back then i thought i was a monster. i fell into a horrible depression. i starved myself because that's what i thought a depressed person should do. i ended up below 100 pounds. i don't think i ever said this, but that's what i wanted.

i wanted people to notice, but i panicked when they did. i had an eating disorder, i don't know if i mentioned that ever. it was self-inflicted, but i had it nonetheless. i would pull up bmi calculators often, hoping it would show i was anorexic. i was obsessed, i thank god there wasn't a scale in the house. it took years to correct it, one of which i spent in the same white zip-up hoodie everyday. threw it out, don't like to look at it much now.

even now its kind of hard to resist that urge - especially now when i hate how gaining weight looks on me. one thing ive got going for me, and i'm not too humble to acknowledge, is i do have significant pretty privilege. and well - i wear the tired rotting look well, and i know people find me attractive. a little egotistical i guess, but i see the reactions i get. i know im treated differently.

people like me. people liked me in high school. liberal moderately/ironically funny skinny guy, people like that i guess. countless people i was either too dumb to see liked me - or i just didn't want to see at the time. i was a good kid, loyal to a friend, or perhaps my own anxiety.

it's unfortunate for them they like me, i suppose.

i digress, that period of depression extended out.. into forever, maybe. maybe a brief period of feeling better in late 2019 (coincidentally when i gained some confidence and alone time), before it all got bad again. then steady downhill climb, steep dropoff, and wherever we are now

holding a person's life in your hands does something to you. being the reason someone is still breathing the next morning is a lot of pressure. that certainly didn't help me back then.

somebody had to do it, however. and i suppose i'd prefer that she be alive today, even with the effects it has had on me to this day. i don't wish death on anybody, and would give myself up for others.

unfortunately for me.

people gravitate to me. people tell me their deepest secrets and traumas. i don't know why. im kind. i listen. i suppose i feel safe to people. in the time i've spent drifting since march, people have grown close to me. people have gotten hurt for this, out of my own mistakes, my distance, me as a person, but i'd like to think i've provided more good than bad. i do try

i don't know what it is about me that makes me different. but i know that i am. that's something me and her shared, our effect on people. i'm not surprised we were so horrible together. picture two positive magnets. a powerful attractive force, but we repel when together. well, scratch that, probably a powerful negative force.

i've never ever felt like i was where i was supposed to be in life. i know where i need to go though. and i'll get there one day. i mean, i've got time. and there's time for the YA romance to come through for me still. wouldn't mind dating a cute boy sometime. scrolling back in this tumblr, who would've guessed i was bi lol.

i still do like poetry, but i'm no good at writing it. but i do like to be symbolic and mysterious , as this seems to show

for such a privileged and well off person, i've managed to make every wrong decision possible. i've made what could have been the easiest life in the world a hellscape. and i only seem to be making it worse. there's a path to make it better, and im following it. surely things can't always be like this, i don't want to be another tragedy.

well, i just felt like this account, which once meant a lot to me, deserved a proper sendoff.

so, there it is.

see you in oregon,

isaac jae

[spicysugar019]

Nothings working. Texted a hotline and they responded with complete cookie cutter responses what sounded like the did a quick copy paste and changed a few words to match my responses, honestly had me questioning if it was a bot. Called a hotline. Bottom line they told me "well even though you've had horrible experiences with that facility before, you should go back there when you're really vulnerable because honestly I can't think of anything to help you out other than that and get a job". Ok cool. Thank you. I already know I need a job??? I litterally JUST told you how fed up I am with actual medical professionals telling me that I'm basically a lost cause and you go and say "well idk what to tell you except get a job". Mkay cool. Also that facility will JUST send me to a mental hospital right now, I know from experience. I'll tell them I feel like death is a good option and they'll just send me right away to a 3 day stay minimum inpatient place. You know, the place I can't afford cause I don't have a job? At some point, the financial burden does outweigh the physical danger cause the financial burden CAN AND WILL put me in a worse mental state. They'll send me there OR what they actually will do is send me to the HOSPITAL to the OBSERVATION UNIT with people litterally trying to scratch their own eyes out muttering the whole time. And I'll stay there for the whole weekend. And I'll spend another Christmas day locked up in grippy sock jail because they're going to suddenly put me on 5 meds at once which will HURT my mental state. This is the place that put me on fucking 300mg of welbutrin and FUCKING 180MG OF DULOXITINE in the same week : ) if you don't know, the max dose of duloxitine is 120. Oh and those meds have dangerous interactions if you're ever on them at around the same time, let alone put on high doses on the same week. Also I have an eating disorder, obviously, and welbutrin is not only dangerous to me because it causes weight gain, but severely dangerous to me because if I purge while on welbutrin, WHICH I DID DO, I am put at a very very high risk of having a seizure. They put me on those, as well as ambien, all at the 💫same fucking time💫

That's the place they're going to send me to, or worse yet, the nearby institution. When I say nearby I'm saying 3 hours away. I've only heard horror stories. And they've talked about it before because of just how "bad and persistent" my depression and insomnia are. I'm honestly fucking TERRIFIED. I HAVE NIGHTMARE ABOUT JUST THE OBSERVATION UNIT. They did not care AT the fuck ALL.

Also not only all of this but my partner is in such a bad mental place currently, I'm afraid if I go to a mental hospital right now for a few days, I won't have someone to come back to. Not because they'll dump me or anything, but because they'll do exactly what I would be trying to avoid by going to the hospital.

I'm honestly just so disappointed and so disgruntled by the state of mental health services right now, but also HELP ME. HELP ME, THIS IS MY SECCOND DAY IN A ROW OF NO SLEEP. HELP ME, IM HAVING INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS OF KNIVES AND PILLS. HELP ME, I AM CRYING OUT FOR HELP AND ITS LIKE NO ONE CAN HEAR ME. ITS LIKE MY WORDS ARE MEANINGLESS. LIKE I SPEAK AND YOURE HEARING SOMETHING IM NOT SAYING. AT ALL. I haven't replied "I'm fine!" To a text even from random strangers in. Like several months now? Most positive I get is "well im dealing with a lot right now honestly, but it could be worse! How are you?" And then they just delve into their deepest darkest secrets and experiences without a second Glace at me. They're in the driver's seat, spewing anything they can about themselves while I sit in the passengers seat sobbing, and they don't even notice. In the past month alone I have been gaslit profusely. I have been manipulated by people I thought were close friends and family such as my mother. I have been told backhanded comments about how, "well you never get me anything, you never pay for my food, so why should I pay for yours? Just kidding haha I'm just laughing, making light, don't be so dramatic!" Maybe I don't pay for your things because you have thousands in savings and I have 70 cents in my checking? Maybe because to stay afloat mentally my partner and I have been going in and out of manic states buying a shit load of random ass shit and going further into debt, and then to stay afloat financially we need to not do those things, EVER. So we just can't financially sustain ourselves, and we can't move back in with our parents cause I gave this post a sneak peek at my parents, a little glimpse. Now take that and expand it 10 times over and you'll get my partners parents.

So yeah. Excuse me for being upset with how you handled that call. The NSH just told me "well I guess get a therapist and get a job!"

I have a therapist. She canceled all our standing appointments because i no-showed but yall never reminded me in any of the ways i provided by calling, texting, emailing, anything. Put that alongside i have severe memory issues and boom, im gonna miss some appointments.

I can't get a job. I'm trying. Sorry if you think I'm not. Sorry if Mr laughing about wanting to die made you think I was part of some God awful prank call or something. Truely, that's what it felt like she treated me as. She helped me on such a complete superficial, cookie-cutter way that felt like "I don't want to come off as an asshole, but this sounds like a prank caller, so im just gonna give basic information and then leave even though he told me about his other attempts and self harm tendencies. I think it's a ploy."

And when I said I had financial struggles because I am POOR poor, and my family has money and won't fucking help AT all, she laughed at me. I know she did. I heard it for a split seccond before she muted her mic. I was like "oh what was that? Hello?... uh hello?" Before she responded again. As if it was like "oh nooo, boo hoo, your family won't give you the right color of convertible." Nah. Nope. My family won't help me with 5$ of gas money just to be able to drive home. To be able to drive from the gas station all the way back to my house. They won't help me with a dollar to pick up a Gatorade for my partner because fun fact, they have POTS, and Gatorades help immensely durring episodes. The wouldn't give me ONE DOLLAR to get them a Gatorade when they were in the middle of an episode.

I'm at the point where being in my room makes me want to kill myself.

I have spent 3 total nights this week completely awake the entire night, two of them right in a row, the last of which being tonight.

I'm tired.

Just let me sleep.

[nonemotionalbaggage]

How to own a corner of the world:

I wished growing up was as easy as following a dessert recipe. Add a little water, baking soda, a pinch of vanilla extract, and other ingredients into a mixing bowl. Melange it. Put it in the oven, and then you will produce the best cake ever! The cake tastes exactly like what you expected.

A manual for life, containing the guidelines of rules to live your life to the fullest, would be provided to me upon birth. I always imagined that I entered this world through a plane.

"Welcome to SOLO airlines. This is your captain crew speaking. We will be facing some turbulence on the way. Please stay seated in your seats."

Instead of caring for me every step of the way, I was thrown off the plane into a house. I was told to fit perfectly into the mold of the world. Most importantly, they forgot to hand me the manual on how to live life, and I only had this vessel of a body to navigate the world. Who am I? I don't know.

My journey to search for the rulebook went from self-help books and magazines to movies. Inside, they were filled with people I didn't relate to. None of the guides answered the questions that were burning in me. So, I turned to others for answers. I listened to their opinions, likes, and dislikes. I tried to follow their rulebook. It worked for a short period of time, but it was draining me.

If my parents wanted a well-behaved child, I'd deliver. If my friends wanted an agreeable companion, I'd deliver. If society wanted me to look a certain way, I’d deliver.

I became what other people wanted me to be. In particular, I took my appearance as a grave matter. Growing up, I watched Korean pop music videos. It began as an innocent hobby to dance and sing along, but then I started to feel like I wasn’t pretty enough in the back of my head. In there, I also memorized all the members of a girl group’s weights. 43kg, 45kg, 47kg… If they are taller, how can they also weigh lighter than me? I’d get caught up in a never-ending web of self-doubt and self-hatred. 

I’d try different methods to lose weight: follow celebrity diets and buy weight-loss books. None of these methods yielded success. I also would gain all the weight back after several binge-eating sessions. Bingeing food was warm and comforting. It meant stress relief, like someone going for a spa session after weeks of hard work to relieve stress. Bingeing food was my version of a day off. I didn’t have my own room growing up, so it was always a challenge to sneak food around. If my family weren’t home on a particular day, I would prepare my binge-eating session in the bathroom, bedroom, or living room. On that day, I had my moment in that little corner of the world. 

Sometimes, when I get anxious about socializing, I would also have a binge-eating session beforehand. Then, when I meet up with other people, I always wonder: Do they know what I just ate? What if they can tell? Will they hate me?

Years later, I am still slowly healing from disordered eating habits. I learned to accept myself and let go of all the molds I have to fit into. 

Body dysmorphia is a common mental condition in teenagers when society has such strict rules on what’s “beautiful.” All the magazines are hyper-focused on the woman's body. I realized that we are all living a delusion. I flipped open my old journal, where I recorded my weight goals and their deadlines. I know now that I’ll never be able to reach them and no longer want to. I tore off the pages and wrote a new title, “how to own a corner of the world.” It was a new start. From now on, it became my own manual for living. Most of the time, we can be the best versions of ourselves if we foster a good relationship within ourselves.