#This entire post is always subject to change btw lol

[ranniranni]

Rann’s little information post!

I’m Ranni, but you can also call me Rann, or Raph/Raphie.

I use/prefer feminine pronouns and adjectives! (But masc ones are fine as jokes/banter). Also, I am Catholic. And I talk about my faith sometimes. I understand people can be uncomfy with that. So that’s the only reason I’m mentioning it here.

I used to have a diff acc with mostly the same names and tags and stuff, but I deleted it to start over!

Other than that, I love TMNT (ROTTMNT specifically) and will be mostly posting about my Leo!Sona, Laylee! I also really like Trollhunters: Tales of Arcadia, Wakfu, TLKOE, and a ton of other stuff—but still, I’ll mostly be posting about Laylee! Because I love her and she’s my baby!

I have some tags for personal organizational purposes—subject to change!

#ranniart = my art #leo sona = anything relating to Laylee #rannirambles = text stuff #for later = things I wanna save for later! #ranreblogs = I reblogged something #ranreligion = if something’s remotely religious

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Your next birthday"

take a breath and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read about your next birthday and what may happen for you on that day (or in relation to that day). for some of you, the reading could also refer to the start of your new life, your new self, a new cycle: so yes it could be an actual birthday or just a figurative one (see accordingly to your situation).

side note. blame red velvet for posting the mv for their "birthday" song the day I wondered about making a pac with this subject lol. this aside, my wish is to try to make you smile and hopefully not spoiler too much but still make you excited about good things coming exactly for you, to celebrate you.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. remember things can always change and you're in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 - 2 3 - 4

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pile 1

Pile 1, I'm super excited and I honestly cannot wait to start your reading so here I am. I think things on your birthday will go extremely well and unexpectedly, like there's gonna be some kind of surprise, also from the Universe. Just keep being optimistic and think for the better (no fake positivity, be positive about that day and yourself, especially if it's a day you don't enjoy particularly. You deserve some type of celebration no matter if you think the opposite or that you're a failure: you're not). My heart chakra is opening (I almost wrote it with an H? "Hope" is your word. Or maybe "happening"). I think a good news will come for you, maybe even just the wishes of someone unexpected (maybe from your past) or you'll get to celebrate with your fav people (or new ones you love and love you back). It's gonna be a very successful day for you (maybe also concretely, not just emotionally: like you may get some improvement in your finances). TBH it feels like you've asked for something to the moon, maybe a wish or a manifestation, and she's bringing it to you. It's gonna be the start of a new life experience, and even if you cannot see it now, it's gonna sign the start of your transformation into your best self; your life is entirely transforming with you. Be positive about it and trust. You will be able to see the whole picture soon but remember every good path must be walked step by step, especially when we cannot see much of it. Your Guides are by your side, and you have all that you need to start this journey. Remember to take care of yourself and don't eat too much or stress too much: take a breath, take your time. You don't have to rush anything, you have time to do everything slowly. You have time (x2). It's gonna be okay. You're gonna get back what you gave. Start having faith and believing in yourself and Universe. And be patient please: rushing things, being impatient, will only cause you more pain. Trust. It's all okay.

songs: funny happy birthday song*; god gave me you | blake shelton; still | brian mcknight *channeled in my mind. don't listen to this one if you aren't feeling too well? (even if it's just pure irony about life and lol this could be for me as well thanks guides). honestly it could be your mood talking (are you a little sad, depressed, lonely? or indeed you don't like much about your birthday as it makes you think about the negative sides of your life. don't worry you have time to make it better and I think this is the right one)

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pile 2

Your reading is really something: y'all need to chill lol; beware of the TW signs btw. You're gonna be at the center of the attention, pile 2. As it's supposed to be on your day. I think it may be a passionate day too, or even a romantic one for some of you (especially if you have a romantic partner, they may take you out on a special date or even vacation/trip). It's gonna be emotionally fulfilling; probably, again for some, even physically (no details, sorry it's a reading for everyone). You may be going to a club with your friends (and maybe find or meet someone interesting there) or just simply enjoy your time dancing at home or in any other place (see the songs' section for further infos), cause music and dancing stand out a lot here. You may be doing a lot on your day, like you're booked by your friends, partner, family, colleagues, school/class mates... or even you have plan to celebrate a bit by yourself as well, maybe shopping or going to a spa or something. I feel like you'll need to take a break at some point (but for a good cause lol y'all reckless). Yeah, on that day your only goal is gonna be to have fun and enjoy, whatever that means for you. Being a collective reading, there's gonna be people focusing on themselves and maybe partying with friends and family, and others partying a lot more... you name it. But you're gonna have fun the way you like it, that's for sure. And maybe meet someone too, as I said (ofc only for some, not those in a relationship though). [TW alcohol mention] Beware of not drinking too much cause you may get an headache and that's not what you want (even if it's your day and you want and deserve to celebrate, try to stay balanced -don't wanna sound as your mom but that's a message I got) [/TW]. Also, it's okay if you need to get out to breathe some fresh air, it'll help. You may meet someone there (for a few). Again lot of passion and emotions, you may be trying to improvise something or do something you haven't done before like dancing on a stage in a club, getting attention, and being happy about it. You're totally feeling it. You will dominate your day and enjoy. And you'll take every chances you're gonna be offered, like you're going to start seeing things differently on that day: even something you would have never done (e.g. dancing alone) could bring you something good (e.g. someone you like's attention).

songs: music* | madonna; worship | years & years; because of you | ne-yo (18+) *channeled in my mind (my guides on fire today). I think there might be music involved, dancing with your friends (you may hit a club), or even dancing with your partner (both actual dance or figurative. Now this is a reading for everyone so no details)

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pile 3

Your birthday is gonna be luxurious. You're gonna be the star but differently from the 2nd pile, your energy is more "elegant" (pass me the word, even if it's not right... uhm, reserved? Yeah, kind of). Like, you may be throwing a party and you're ofc gonna be the center of the attention, opening the gifts and all, but you won't be loosing yourself too much. You'll take car eof your guests too, helping them having fun, offering good food, music, planning nice games... I feel grace from you and... you seem composed, regal. You may even wear a small crown and have a white dress. You're the empress, basically. I think something fated or unexpected may happen on that day. Maybe you want to travel somewhere or someone from abroad may come visit you: whatever that is, you're gonna get that. You're gonna get ticket for your dream place or your desire of seeing this person will be manifested. It's gonna be a very happy moment, you'll be moved to tears of happiness. I do feel there's a wish of yours you may have confessed to someone, just a few people though. You're gonna get that even if you won't understand how or why. Maybe, you'll feel like you're not deserving of that. That's not true: your Guides want to take care of you, and also your friends (or the people you confessed this dream of yours) want to celebrate you, so stop self betraying yourself and go on wishing whatever it is that you want. You may even get it. (BTW be open to receiving: it's not up to you to decide if you deserve a gift or not. Let the Universe decide, it knows better and can read you objectively, even when you don't). You can talk with someone in the 3d or ask to the Universe/Guides, you can write (as a Santa's letter), you can hold your vision in your mind... just let your heart be open and stop letting the past hold you back: you can get out of that rut/cycle. End it by being open (with thos eyou trust though: not everyone will want your best, remember that. Trust your guts. even if your Guides are protecting you, just beware). Also, if you don't think your birthday is gonna go well, remember you can make it anyway you want it to be. Ask your Guides for support and positive vibes, and just plan to do something for yourself. You have no idea what can happen the moment you give out some good vibes in the Universe.

songs: imagine | ariana grande; just an illusion | imagination; i love u | the chainsmokers sorry no mind-channeled song for you but I added a 3rd one anyway :)

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pile 4

Your birthday seems freeing. In particular from some kind of weight, maybe even from your past. You're gonna feel relieved. Happy. Calm and content. Serene. I see someone dancing with their arms open in the sun (could be in winter or spring). You're gonna be playful, joyful, maybe even start running around as you haven't done in a while. It's gonna feel like a real new start. You have confidence, you're strong, you know you can do anything and be anyone you want. You'll feel poweful, but not prideful. You'll know it, and that's gonna be enough. You will enjoy your day, alone or with some friends, you'll probably even gift yourself something (some free time, a walk, music, a book...): well done, you deserve that kind of self love and appreciation. You cannot see it now, but there's gonna be a miraculous change in your life, even through a message or news. All very sudden but all very fated. Maybe a fated meeting... could be different things for each of you. But it's gonna be a beautiful surprise, just for you. A great new start, maybe in love or in your creativity. It's a farewell to the old, a total change from what has been, a total complete goodbye to the old cycle. And it's gonna feel so beautifully liberating inside. You know and are aware that you can trust your Guides and inner cycle of friends/fam/people to support you and even if now you can't see much of it, just know that deep inside you're already changing toward that energy. Start looking at what you have, not what you miss, be grateful, embark on this journey knowing your worth and all you have, and remember that things can always change for the better. And you'll be able to receive too. Believe in magic and in your abilities. Start looking inside of yourself and putting a light onto your darkness. You know you can embrace it and make it better. You are that powerful. You don't need to be scared of it, you can hug it, and make it something different from what it's supposed to be. Take care of yourself and remember things may go well even when they seem to (or you perceive them as) go in a negative way. Or you struggle to find the positive side. After your day though, you'll be able to see all this and stop the negative to get to you too much. (angel number 1551) Some of you may come from other piles or you may be attracted to other piles too. Cannot see much more about the actual celebration (or maybe you just like to keep a low profile and spend time by yourself or e.g. meet with a couple of friends for a coffee), I think things may still change and be different for many of you, or the surprise may make the whole day... just know it's gonna be and feel good.

songs: unbelievable | craig david; silver spoon | bts; rescue me | ultra sorry no mind-channeled song for you but I added a 3rd one anyway :)

[ghostsandmirrors]

Questions for the mun - all Basics please? Don't hate me lol

Questions for the mun.

pfft, I could never. I am going to miss one question because someone else sent it, too.

(under read more because that's 12 questions)

When did you first start writing? 2008. I was on Mibba (writing site) and someone's journal post was an advert for a Proboards Potter forum.

In what language did you start writing? English. It was only like 2019 that I started trying to learn another language och jag är så dålig på talar svenska x.x (and I'm so bad at talking Swedish)

If your mother tongue is not the language you write now, what caused you to switch languages? N/A - one day I'll get good enough at Swedish to RP in it but that ain't today.

What was the first muse that you’ve written? Her name was Judy Lewis on that Proboards site in 2008. I also wrote her twin brother (Jesse Lewis). She was a Slytherin half-blood, he was a Hufflepuff half-blood.

I once answered an ask about her on the Bringer's blog so here's the link.

Do you still write your first muse? Nope. I consider remaking her sometimes--especially when memes ask about first muses--but I think she belongs in 2008 and in the fanfic I was writing at the time.

What is the muse that you write for the longest? This is answered here. The answer is Bam (first made 2009 on a Potter site I made); 2009 Gerard Way had that vibe and then they dyed their hair red and Danger Days came out and I was like 👀👀👀

Also because of Bam, and me being so specific when it came to making graphics (avatars and signatures), I can tell you which year a Gerard Way picture came from between the years of 2003 and 2013 based entirely on their hair.

I used to think I was neurotypical btw. Teenage me making a Notepad document of Gerard Way GIFs organised by hair style and year ('long black, 2005') like, 'yeah, this is a normal level of interest in a subject.' It is not, but it is a fun fact I get to whip out now.

In what style did you start to write (First person, third person, *-style or novel-style?) I have always written in third person, past tense, I guess novel-style? Used to do a lot of one-liners but--and I actually mentioned this to someone the other day--I ended up on a lot of sites with minimum word counts (usually only like 100 words, which sounds like a lot but is surprisingly small).

My longest post pre-Tumblr was like 2k words because me and a thread partner were just seeing how long we could make our posts in that specific thread. We also tried to go back to one-liners only for a thread (for fun) and we were struggling.

What caused you to start writing? What was your key point? General writing was probably this one book series about a man who lived with a family that made clay dragon statues and the dragon statues came to life. I looked it up; The Last Dragon Chronicles. I did not read all of them.

RP specifically was the site advert coming when I had like just started writing a Potter fanfic of Goblet of Fire from the point of view of Random OC (Judy Lewis, who was a Gryffindor in the fic).

Do you regret starting writing? No. It taught me how to spell, for starters. I was dogshit at spelling and grammar back in the day and I've gotten so much better just through practice and actually learning what things are used for. Also like... you get the best reactions. Even if I ever managed to quit RP--which I don't think I will--I would never be able to fully stop writing because of those reactions. One way or another, I will inflict fictional suffering on people.

As a kid, I wanted to be an author. Making characters and worlds is way too fun.

Is there anything you would have changed when you started writing now that you have more experience? RP specific; no. Writing in general; I'd have started writing proper English from the beginning and not spent years deciding that full stops are only used for the end of a paragraph, actually.

Also some of the older characters don't have their apps saved at all and I'm still mad about it. I struggled making Arnulf because his old app and all his old information is gone. I'm gonna die mad at past me about like 17 different things and it's fine because they deserve it.

How do you describe writing / rp to others? Generally I don't, but if I had to, I would describe it as 'y'know writing a story? It's like that but you only control one character.' It's not accurate--NPCs exist--but like it's the closest I can get considering I'm genuinely trash at describing anything lmao

On what platform did you start to write? Accidentally answered this in the first answer. Oops. Proboards. I actually refused to go to other forum sites for the longest time because I didn't understand the coding for posts. On Proboards it was like [b]bold[/b], on InvisionFree it was <b>bold</b>, I think Jcink was [b]bold[/b]?

I did eventually also go on InvisionFree (one site, a Buffy/The Vampire Diaries crossover site) and Jcink (multiple sites, mostly Marvel/DC crossover sites, a couple of panfandom sites, a town site?, and at least one Potter site). Jcink might be my favourite of the three.

There was also 'Boards' which was to Proboards what Jcink was to InvisionFree (Jcink sites have 'powered by InvisionFree' at the bottom, Boards sites had 'powered by Proboards').

[accidentally-in-fictional-love]

Things I Noticed While Writing Light The Fuse: Part 5, Episode 2

Turns out I had a lot to say again

He's returned! And this is why I gave the Phoenixes their own private room lol okay so other than this room, which is clearly for the patrons to have fun in since there's a giant speaker in the corner, and the single motel room from ep1 we never see where these guys sleep. If they had their own trailers, Ethan might've been able to steal a couch from one of them, and if he had his own trailer then obviously he would've had his own bed.

Of course, that doesn't get him to the bar in five easy steps whereas crashing in this room does, so it's good for filming, but the Phoenixes live here along with everyone else, and they're always changing as they become Brawlers, so having one big room they can move their stuff in and out of (like a motel hehe) until they get their own permanent trailer makes sense to me! I'll make a visual layout of their room at some point since I see it very clearly in my head, so that'll go in its own post since I have limited images here

Matty looks great in this outfit btw 🥰

Johnson's been back for two seconds and already he's reminding me why I love him the most 🥰 but I love this bit, Matty's highpitched giggle that makes me insane with how cute he is, him admitting he was scared and thought he really did it this time, Johnson vibing the whole way up to the bar and saying he wasn't scared at all before acting as their bartender, and Ethan just barely awake and following like usual

Can't or don't, Matty? ;w; there's a big difference

You're so weird that's so mean I'm in love with you

Johnson not getting it in the least, Matty saying that and then it not even being real and Ethan not agreeing lmao what a shot

The switch from Ethan telling the lie in the last shots, to telling the truth and getting uncomfortable, to Johnson picking up on that and changing the subject with a glance to Matty, and Matty taking the topic a lot more seriously than before always gets me. It really feels like Johnson wanted to hear the truth more than the story, just with the way he was watching him before steering the topic, like that look to Matty was because he knew how he'd feel about all this

Look at this expression. He's not about to joke around here. Matty takes family so seriously, he's completely bought into Burt's promise and to hear Ethan talk about his family treating him like that has him serious, protective. I nearly wrote this scene in his POV because I really wanted to get into his head while Ethan was saying all this, maybe I'll call back to it when I'm writing season 2 because this feels like such a key moment to how he feels about him and him being one of them

This expression too, this is someone who knows this is exactly who Ethan is and that he belongs with them and he's waiting for Matty to say the same, that's how I see this

You know how I keep saying I'm gunna cry and we all know I'm only half joking? Yeah I teared up rewatching this scene again. It's only episode 2 and already Matty has fully accepted Ethan as theirs, part of the family. This isn't even ship talk this is them all drinking to the fact that Ethan belongs there and they both believe it. It's these scenes that make me love them so much and make me so damn emotional over them, why I think about them and instantly try not to start sobbing in public, and that's no joke.

The music here is also so beautiful, this is such a beautiful moment

This is the face of a man who's starting to realize that they genuinely care about him here more than in Detroit ;w;

Phew, ended up giffing pretty much this entire scene again! I never know what I'm going to say about these apart from a few scenes, so it's been very surprisingly to me how many gifs I've had to make so far. I really thought they'd be more rare as I point out other things, but I guess I should've expected it since I'm predictable in how much I love them heheh see you tomorrow for episode 3~ 💛❤️💙

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 332: This Fight Has Actually Taken More Than a Month

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi was all “please enjoy these three whole pages of exposition about how New Order works. Spoiler alert, it all boils down to how much the user understands the nebulous inner vibes of their target, so I hope you’re all taking notes for the inevitable Final Battle Shenanigans to come.” Tomura was all “well I sure can’t wait until I get my hands on this quirk, wonder how many more chapters it’s going to be.” S&S was all “nothing else we’ve tried has worked so why don’t you Air Force guys ask the Secretary of Defense to send a few missiles our way, and in the meantime I’ll hold Shigaraki off by punching him a bunch with my giant LoK Season Two Homage.” Fandom was all, “[checking to make sure that they’re still reading the correct manga which somehow they are].” Btw how much longer are we going to let Horikoshi keep pretending that he’s never heard of A:TLA lol.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “I’m just gonna draw the most ludicrous attack I can think of” and has Star’s giant sky avatar make the hypersonic missiles do a couple of loop-de-loops for absolutely no reason before detonating with a giant FSHAM. Everyone is all, “I WONDER IF IT WORKED.” Tomura is all, “IT DID NOT WORK.” Star is all, “WELL I’M ALL OUT OF IDEAS, GUESS I’LL JUST STAND HERE AND FUCKING DIE THEN.” Weekly Shounen Jump is all, “WHAT IS THE OUTCOME OF THIS DECISIVE BATTLE!?” like GEE I WONDER. You’ve put us all on the spot here, WSJ. Idk, what do you guys think.

oh goody a Star and Stripe flashback, this is definitely the order Horikoshi should have done this in. who says we have to put foreshadowing before the actual thing. aftershadowing, that’s what all the cool kids are doing now

so she’s hanging out with a bunch of muscle bros in tank tops in the military or whatever I guess, and being all frustrated that her quirk doesn’t always do everything she wants it to do. though to be fair, if there was ever a quirk that desperately needed an instruction manual it’s gotta be this one

wowwww lol

“isn’t it such a shame that our sexist society is filled with men who are constantly demeaning women and refusing to acknowledge them as equals” -- man who is already well on his way to pseudo-fridging his third female character in the span of a year, in his story which already features a cast that is 75% male, which runs in a periodical which has never hired a single female editor in its entire history

-- actually you know what, just in case this winds up being one of Those Chapters, I should probably press pause for a sec and post a few Clarification Bullet Points just so that we’re all on the same page before we continue here lol. so here goes:

BnHA is kinda sexist you guys

no, it’s not as sexist as it could be

no, I’m not saying Horikoshi is a bad person, or the most sexist person who ever lived, or even in the top 100 (maybe even 1000) of sexist manga creators. BnHA is actually very progressive for a shounen manga in a lot of ways. he’s definitely trying

that being said, all the A’s for effort in the world won’t change the fact that WSJ is a boys’ club, and shounen manga’s idea of progress is “look at that, our female characters don’t all have to wear high heels all the time, and sometimes we even give them plotlines about stuff other than doing the boys’ laundry!!” I mean, pretty much anyone is going to look like a paragon of feminism when the bar is that low lol

tl;dr, I appreciate what we get, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna fall on my knees in unreserved gratitude just because Horikoshi isn’t out here zooming up his female characters’ skirts every three panels. and this also happens to be the one and only thing about the series that I often find it very difficult to lighten up about, because of how it reflects circumstances in the real world. so yeah. apologies in advance, but if you continue to read this recap I can’t promise you won’t be subjected to occasional random chill-less remarks about gender equality or the lack thereof. it may happen at any time without warning! I, a person who is reading this manga on the internet for free, do in fact have the audacity to complain about some of the things that happen in said manga from time to time! and then I keep on reading the series anyway even though I only enjoy 95% of it and not the entire 100%! it’s some straight up r/choosing beggars shit! I might even choose to make a couple of critical remarks that aren’t watered down by jokes! right here on my own blog where anyone can read them!! it’s a lawless jungle out here!!

anyways lol so I think that’s about as clear of a disclaimer as I can possibly make. don’t say I didn’t warn you. now back to our regularly scheduled programming

anyway so after all of that ranting, these military (Air Force?) bros are actually being pretty chill though

(ETA: in hindsight, writing this rant seems to have used up most of my fucks lol. the rest of this chapter wasn’t really that bad so I managed to coexist with it peacefully pretty much right up until the last page, and even then it was mostly just eye-rolling and sighing. the type of situation “I’m not mad, just disappointed” was coined for, I guess.)

and you know what I like about this, is that Horikoshi actually took the time here to ask himself how S&S’s journey of becoming the number one hero might differ from All Might’s journey, and what kind of challenges and pushback she might come up against which a male character in the same situation would likely not encounter. this wasn’t necessarily the most graceful way of bringing that up, but I do appreciate that he was being thoughtful enough to consider any of this stuff at all, let alone actually work it into the character’s backstory

THAT BEING SAID, while I do appreciate what Horikoshi seemed to be going for here, I would have preferred if the message was more of a “you’re just as strong as All Might, your quirks just work in different ways” thing as opposed to “don’t sweat it if you’re not as strong as All Might, it’s not you it’s the quirk”

to be clear, it’s not that I have any kind of problem with All Might being the undisputed Strongest Character In The Series; it’s just that I still can’t really see why he’s considered to be stronger than S&S. it’s like they randomly decided that physical strength was the only metric actually worth considering. like sure, S&S may be having trouble trying to catch up to All Might in terms of bench presses, but All Might is probably having trouble catching up to her in terms of Turning Himself Into A Massive Laser-Wielding Sky Kaiju so I would think it evens out lol

anyway so Horikoshi is just not doing a good job of selling me on this Super Strength > Magic Reality Bullshit thing. and for that matter, it’s in his interests not to convince us, because aren’t we supposed to be worried that Tomura will be unstoppable once he gets his hands on this?

but these are all questions I’ll have to ponder more at some later date, because the flashback scene has now ended and we are cutting back to everyone’s favorite hypersonic missiles

so the missiles are almost there now, and Star says she’s going to have to release the laser rule in order to set up a new rule for the missiles. man, what? so you knew all along that the missiles on their own obviously wouldn’t be enough to stop him?

okay so real talk, how is this going to be any more effective than the lasers were. because regardless of whether it’s a laser or an explosive, at the end of the day we’re still dealing with thermal energy here right? meaning that you’re still going to run into the exact same problem you had with the lasers, and with Endeavor’s Prominence Burn, which is that FIRE IS NOBODY’S FUCKING WEAKNESS my god why doesn’t anyone in this manga listen to me. I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU

so now there’s an entire page of Tomura just chilling in the midst of the laser bombardment like it’s an afternoon at the sauna, and wondering what these explosive-vibes-giving things are that he can feel approaching. probably explosives, Tomura

fffffldkjl “LOL NO WAY, THIS WOMAN REALLY LAUNCHED A BUNCH OF HYPERSONIC MISSILES?” I know, right??

and there’s another page of Star giving a countdown to whatever bullshit she’s about to do, and then the bottom panel is showing the missiles breaking through her giant sky titan’s hand, which is some hella trypophobic shit that absolutely nobody in the world asked for

hey, Horikoshi? file this one along with the centipedes and the mushrooms. let’s not have any more of this ever again please and thank you

lol what the actual fuck

? ???? ??

LOL, WHAT

?????????????

is anyone going to explain to me how this makes the attack more powerful, or should I just keep reading. “keep reading makeste, duh” yeah you’re probably right, I keep going off on random tangents for no reason. I really need to focus up here

huh

well, you guys. so it appears that Star’s trump card was [checks notes] randomly having the missiles spiral around a couple of times for extra fanciness before they finally hit him. you know, for that extra spiraling power boost. the coveted spiral bonus

A WHOLE TWO PAGES OF EXPLOSIONS WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FINALLY, SOMETHING BOTH AMERICAN SUPERHEROES AND SHOUNEN MANGA HEROES CAN AGREE ON. WHEN IN DOUBT JUST MAKE THING GO BOOM

WOW ANOTHER PAGE OF THE EXPLOSION. JUST IN CASE THE PREVIOUS TWO PAGES WEREN’T ENOUGH

I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, MISTER SIDE CHARACTER GUY ASKING ABOUT TOMURA’S STATUS WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE DUST TO SETTLE FROM YOUR MASSIVE EXPLOSION ATTACK, BUT THE ANSWER ISN’T GOING TO BE ANYTHING THAT YOU’LL PARTICULARLY LIKE. I JUST GOTTA WARN YOU NOW. YOU MIGHT NEED TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS ONE

MAN WHY ARE YOU ALL TRYING SO HARD TO PRETEND LIKE THERE IS ANY TENSION HERE LOL

“WELP, THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS THE MOST POWERFUL ATTACK WE HAD. I WONDER IF IT WORKED. LET’S ZOOM IN ON THIS MASSIVE CRATER THAT WE JUST BLASTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. I GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS ONE YOU GUYS” yep. for sure, Star

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hahahaha oh no

“NOPE NEVER MIND. GOOD FEELING’S GONE”

OH MY GOD I ACTUALLY LOLED FOR REAL

her faceeeee oh no. oh, Star, we’re really in it now

lol this motherfucker used Decay to burrow underground to hide from the explosion. what a power move. “if I was even a millisecond late it would have been a fatal wound” lmao you asshole. “good game,” Tomura says placatingly as he shakes Star’s hand afterwards. “that was a real nail-biter right up till the end. all the respect bro, you’re one hell of a competitor. let’s keep in touch.” follows her on Twitter after. “Shoutout to my homegal S&S, we had a WILD ONE this weekend [fire emoji] [fire emoji] [fire emoji] Down to the wire! Nothin but respect [100 emoji] [100 emoji] [100 emoji] [flexed bicep emoji]”

lmaoooo now all the Air Force bros are like “OH SHIT OH SHIT” and flying around all panicked lol

“OH GOD, OH FUCK” somebody help me please why is this chapter so unexpectedly funny

NOW WHAT LOL

did the Noumu explode??

(ETA: this page is literally indecipherable to me.)

and now AFO is suddenly taking over and Tomura’s landing on one of the fighter jets still all crazed

SIGH

I’m sure you will lol. a James Patterson ghostwriter could put this quirk to better use than we’ve seen it used in this fight tbh

“do it now, Star” do what now??

oh for fuck’s

are you really gonna pointlessly squish your Respect Women Juice-drinking Air Force bros just so we can all feel even worse about this situation sob

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU

NOPE, INSTEAD SHE HESITATED FOR TOO LONG AND HE GOT HER

holy shit she basically just gave up? just straight up stopped fighting basically

I mean it wasn’t like the options were suddenly reduced to a binary “kill your buddies or let TomurAFO get you.” there were seriously more than just those two options here. you could have dodged him, or done literally anything else other than just standing there with your vaguely wistful expression and letting him grab you, Star

anyway so that’s it I guess. not one single person reading this was ever expecting any different. like Mirko and Nagant before her, S&S gets to be show-stealing and badass for approximately 1.5 to 3 chapters before her fairy godmother Horikoshi’s magic finally wears off, and her resourcefulness turns back into a pumpkin

I mean, idk. like I said, I never expected anything else. it would just be nice if we could get a fight like this where the badass lady character actually won. or lost, but still stayed relevant to the plot afterwards (and was actually relevant in any way before the fight, for that matter). or if Horikoshi would stop doing this every few months just because he can lol

anyways but good game. down to the wire. nothin but respect

[lord-of-christmas-lights]

I could post regular Narnia headcanons...

Or I could post the continuation of this post and go into depth about how Eustace and Caspian are affected by deity Narnia. Welcome back to Inhuman Narnia 101 and it turned out just as long as the first one so buckle up.

Check out this post by @dorianviolet for another awesome version of Inhuman AU Caspian

Warnings for slight body horror mentions including blood magic stuff, slight religious themes and theological discussion towards the end.

Before anything: This AU directly contradicts canon a lot. I don't care, that's why it's called an AU. Some of it is deliberate, some of it is accidental. I haven't read the books in a number of years, so this is all based on the movies and general information I've picked up from fanfic and tumblr. Discussion on this post is welcomed, criticism and arguments are not. Thank you.

First off, here is the link to an exploration of Dragoning, the Eustace-centric fic I wrote about this. I refer to it repeatedly in this post so if you want the full thing, there it is.

Second, let's get into this. So in my last post, I talked a lot about Narnia, her general existence in this AU, and her motivations as a character. She wants the people in her world to be a part of her, and no one else. Some of this is a conscious choice, and some of it isn't. Eustace's changes throughout his time in VOTDT are definitely not purposeful. It was his greed that drove him to the treasure, it was his own "curse" in becoming a dragon. That was not Narnia reaching out to him and purposefully trying to mold him to her world. As such, he takes on more of an observing role.

Eustace doesn't ever actually directly address his cousins on the subject of their inhumanity, in this fic or in any other I write. He simply sees it, notes it happening, and moves on. Even in the sections in my fics where the subject of inhumanity in general is brought up between Eustace and one of his cousins, it's always about Caspian, the greater Narnian world, or himself.

"Eustace asks why, and Lucy answers. Narnia changes people, she says. It happens to everyone, but the closer you are to her Heart, the greater it is. I don't know where Dragons are. Perhaps closer than we realized. It's exhilarating, isn't it? Aslan will return us to normal though, at the end of our journey." - AEOD

I don't know why, but I don't like the idea of Eustace trying to directly address the Pevensie brand of inhumanity. That line above takes place after his UnDragoning, after the way he sees things has changed, and I see it as him asking what exactly has changed, you know, why are Dragons different than boys?

That brings me to how Eustace himself changes. Now, if he hadn't gone and turned into a Dragon, I imagine Narnia wouldn't have taken much note of him. He's a random human, stuck-up, not at all in line for ruling her lands, and just kind of exists without much else going on. She still would have affected him a little, as she does to all humans in her world but it would have been almost entirely spiritual with no physical changes. And then we got the greatest fuck around and find out scene ever. He becomes a Dragon.

I love dragons, always have, I have a very deep spiritual connection to these creatures, and as such, I have gone all out on worldbuilding for Narnian Dragons. Again, the quote from AEOD, "...the closer you are to her Heart, the greater it is. I don't know where Dragons are. Perhaps closer than we realized." In the Inhuman AU, Dragons were the first creatures Narnia (the deity) and Aslan made when they created Narnia (the world). They just really liked the dragon shape from other worlds and thought, "Hey wouldn't it be cool if our world was populated by these big fire-breathing lizards?" Now I don't actually remember how often Dragons are mentioned and/or featured in the books so I'm going with my idea that Dragons are a somewhat rare but not extinct species. They have to be created through magical means, often through physical transformation of people or objects, though there are a few known cases of natural-born Narnian Dragons. Eustace's creation was the curse on the treasure, though I don't see his Dragoning as a curse itself. As in, the curse isn't in the being a Dragon, it's in how the Dragon was created. So, Eustace experiences this accidental change into a creature that's closer to Narnia's Heart than pretty much any other being in Narnia. They were her first creations, forged from the fire in the Stars, and they are the closest to her magic. And that gets her attention.

Now, if you went and read AEOD, you'll have noticed that one of Eustace's biggest changes (aside from the obvious physical ones) is his vision. This is just a natural thing for Dragons, they are far more in tune with magic and the earth and everything than everyone else, but Narnia's special interest in him definitely amplifies the hell out of his magic sense.

"The people here say dragons see the oddest of things, and he has to assume it's a hallucination....He refuses to give into its whims, reminds himself it's just his imagination. Until Reepicheep comments on it." - AEOD. Following this quote, Reepicheep mentions to Lucy that her inhumanity is returning faster than Edmund's and Eustace has a total panic attack at the idea that what he's seeing is real. He sees what everyone else does, Lucy's stained fingers and Edmund's ability to manipulate words, but he also notices stuff no one else does like the stars in Edmund's throat and the echoes that follow Lucy's words. This is further cemented after his UnDragoning, where the extra stuff he perceived has vanished. Now the general idea in this AU is that the closer to Narnia's Heart you are, the more you know and perceive. Everyone can see some of the more obvious inhuman aspects of the Pevensies, but there are things that only Dragons, druids, Stars, and some other magic folk really close to Narnia's Heart see. I'm not going to get into an exact chart of what certain characters can and cannot see because that can change over time and such and I'd rather leave it mostly up to personal interpretation on what other characters do and do not perceive about the Pevensies and other such inhuman characters.

(Side note—I had to pause in the writing of this post here to go to my second meeting for an autism assessment and I think if I just showed the doctor my notes app and the inhuman/dark fantasy narnia tag on my blog, I'd get the diagnosis instantly lol) So anyways, Narnia senses Eustace becoming a Dragon and is like "Ooohoo what's this?" and starts sort of digging into him in the same way she does to her Kings and Queens. This triggers his already enhanced perception of Narnia (the world) to get even stronger, and this is when he starts seeing stuff like people's souls, Caspian's second heart (more on that soon), and looking at Lucy/Edmund/Lilliandil becomes almost painful because Narnia's magic is so bright in them. Aslan then UnDragons him, which Narnia really doesn't like btw, and Eustace is back to being a fairly average human.

This is where stuff established in AEOD ends.

Now I have so many ideas and half finished fanfics written out in my notes app about Eustace, UnDragoning, and inhumanity and it would be impossible to cover them all here, so I'm just going to go with the highlights. One of my favorite ones is the idea that after Eustace's UnDragoning, he still feels very connected to being a dragon. He's had this taste of pure inhumanity, and something like that doesn't just leave a person. There's a fic I read once long before I was fully invested in this fandom about Eustace and draconity that I will never stop thinking about and was actually the reason I started considering Eustace and Narnian Dragons in this AU. One of the really important things to note is that once a Dragon is created, they can never be uncreated. They can be UnDragoned, where their physical form is returned to whatever it was before their Dragoning (a rock, a talisman, a faun, etc) but their soul has changed on a fundamental level to that of a Dragon. Now for Eustace in my Inhuman AU, this manifests spiritually as a deep longing to return to being a Dragon. Physically, he experiences fun side effects like increased heat tolerance, nails that grow faster than normal, and because Narnia likes to meddle, a single ridge of scales along his spine. In some versions of my drafts, he stays at the end of VOTDT and experiences a slow Dragoning because Narnia's influence on him is that strong, other versions he stays but never quite returns to the Dragon he was before, and in yet other versions, he returns to England and loses that connection enough that physically, he will never be a Dragon again. As I said, Narnia is fascinated by him, she's never really had a human Dragon before, but he is still just a random guy who happens to be related to the Pevensies and as such, she doesn't invest as much time or magic into his inhumanity.

So that's Eustace. This is already such a long post but I promised to talk about both him and Caspian so here we go.

Now, in my last post I talked a bit about how Narnia (the deity) affects the other humans in Narnia (the world) to an extent, but it's nowhere near the amount she does to her Kings and Queens, and also this diminishes more and more the farther you get from Narnia (the country). Telmar is fairly close to Narnia (the country) but as we see in PC, a lot of Narnia's magic and spirit has been diminished by the time Caspian is born. Up until the awakening of the land during the battle, Caspian is essentially 100% human. However, this changes very quickly.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment Caspian becomes a King of Narnia. Is it when he refuses to kill Miraz? Is it when Aslan tells him he's one? Is it during his actual coronation? Yes, yes, and yes. I try not to pin it down to an exact moment. By the end of PC though, he's definitely noticing some changes in himself. I have an unpublished part 2 to an exploration of Inhumanity (my only other actually posted fic on this stuff) that I swear I will clean up and get posted soon that goes into further detail on the changes he's noticing at the end of AEOI. Some of the big ones include a second golden heart, seeing some of the life magic in the world around him, and a golden glow on his palms. He also slowly develops the ability to heal, though it's not always consistent. Magic takes practice, lots and lots of practice. In pt 2, the glow on his palms has gotten so bright and also spread around his head like a halo, and Lucy shows him how to conceal it so he's not impossible to look at, but because of Magic™ there's still a dusting of golden powdery stuff across his skin. His blood turns golden because Ben Barnes + golden blood is such pretty imagery, and like the others, it gets sucked down and absorbed into Narnia's Heart when he bleeds in battle. Also when I say he's got a second heart I mean he's got a second fucking heart. Ribcage shift and all. (His appearance doesn't actually change, it's more like a pocket dimension thing going on inside him, but he sure as hell can feel it happening). Having Narnia as a patron goddess just means you have to put up with a second puberty sometimes lol.

Anyways, there's a line in AEOI that I feel explains this stuff really well. "He cannot truly protect the land without becoming a part of it himself." Narnia changes her Kings and Queens because she wants them to be a part of her. Aslan doesn't really see these changes as necessary (in canon, a world without deity Narnia, they don't happen), and if the storyline we pick is the one that's the constant cycle of humanity and inhumanity, it's sort of a push and pull between them. Aslan wants the Pevensies, and by proxy anyone else who rules Narnia or experiences these changes, to keep their humanity, to stay as they were Created by him. Narnia, however, wants them to be as much a part of her as she is of them. It's very clear in both the books and the movies that Narnia (the world) is where these characters belong. In the end, they all come home to her (yes, Susan too because fuck Mr. Clive Staples Lewis). Caspian being anything less than fully inhuman is something she cannot handle. She is constantly having to recreate the Pevensies, reestablish her hold on them, only to have them return to England and become mostly human again. Caspian cannot be taken away from her, he is in this world by birth and she is going to do everything she can to shape him into the ruler he needs to be.

Once again, I would like to state that Aslan and Narnia are not opposing sides of good and evil. Gods cannot be defined by human standards, and to think either Narnia or Aslan completely in the right or wrong in this AU would be, well, an interesting standpoint, but really not the one I'm going for here. I'm not going to say it's a misinterpretation, I am very open to hearing people's thoughts on this AU, and everyone's going to see things differently. Just, please reread what I've written about them before you start making that argument.

Anyways, that wraps this post up because I have spent the better part of the past 6 hours writing this. I spent way more time on Eustace than I intended but it's just so fascinating to think about inhumanity from his perspective considering he's the only one in canon that actually was (briefly) inhuman. Again, if you got this far, congratulations! If you use any of my ideas mentioned here, please tag me, I am so starved for inhuman Narnia content lol.

[lloverz]

A gentle reminder to drink your shakes

Wake up and take a few deep breaths. Don’t think about everything you need to do today. You’ll get there when you need to, but for now just breathe.

Take yo meds!!! They’re good for you!!!

I know mental health disorders are hard to talk about. This is a safe space for EVERYONE & I would love for my followers to interact w me. I have a few posts about “meds” so in order to make you feel more comfortable, I’ll tell you what I am currently going through.

Bipolar

Borderline Personality Disorder

PTSD

there’s something else but I forgot lol

There’s nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, I recently realized that it’s important to tell the people you love and care about. I realized that I was having irrational arguments and it effected the people I love the most. My family has never really been “picture perfect” so I ignored my symptoms for a long time. I’ve been off of my meds for over a year and today (rn actually) I’m going to the dr to get them refilled.

It’s not only important to tell your family, but your extended family and friends.

Recently I had a conversation with my ex’s cousin and she sadi that for the past 4 years, her entire family thought I didn’t like them. It was because the “smallest thing” would drastically change my mood, and they thought it was because of them. I felt so bad and immediately told her that I love them, and btw I have these mental health issues.

Right after I told her what I have, she immediately said “ohhhh okay, yeah I can see it” and it felt like years of distance disappeared just because I was open about my experience.

I used to be the type of person to be ashamed and hide this information, until I realized that it’s actually very common. A lot of people never do any self reflection, so they don’t think there’s a reason to go to the dr. There’s a couple people in my family that show even more intense signs of being bipolar than me, yet when the subject comes up they deflect. So if there’s already a few of those in MY family, I can imagine they are everywhere. There’s nothing to be ashamed of about getting proper help and knowing yourself!

signs of a bipolar person ( based off of what it’s like to be me lol )

extreme mood swings. for me, I will be manic for about 3 months then in my lower state for the next 3 months and so on. Mood swings also happen when a person becomes irritable, resulting in A LOT of intense anger. (shaking, yelling, aggressive actions for at least an hour)

when in a manic state, I am super creative. I’ll start a million businesses AND keep working on other creative things. I went from spending a lot of money I didn’t have to creating businesses with what I do have.

when in the lower state, it feels like there’s zero motivation. “everything is what it is and isn’t what it isn’t. everything is nothing and nothing is everything, what’s the point? life goes on” this is accompanied with feelings of depression, insecurity, A LOT of anxiety, etc.

when in a manic state, I feel like I want to solve ALL the WORLD’S problems. Sign me up for mayor, I’ll get shit done around here. this state of mind is accompanied with confidence, security, charisma, openess, hanging out a lot with friends and family, and being very active always doing something.

Now I’ll let you know what it’s like to be borderline. this subject is a little harder because when I think about the times I displayed this behavior, I really look at it with disgust because why would I do that?? lol. But i know that’s something I need to work on in myself. I can’t control what I am not aware of at the moment so I can’t be too hard on myself. I just need to be more self aware to tackle these BPD character traits. Let’s not have shame about who we are.

taking on characteristics from others ( convincing yourself that you like/don’t like the same things as them )

having a sense of not really knowing yourself

having a hard time “fitting in”

I’m not really sure what other characteristics I display of BPD, that is something I need to pay more attention to. If you feel as though you have any of these symptoms, don’t hesitate to talk to a psychiatrist. I have insurance that pays for my medication and my therapy visits, you can sign up for benefits online. There’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s best to get the care you need.

i love yall, take care!🫶✌️

[telehxhtrash]

I know its a big debate but I am not a dudebro for thinking killua and gon are platonic. I have no problem with people who do at all, but I honestly just think they have a strong friendship, and I am for encouraging boys to have these types of bonds with each other ~screw toxic masculinity~ I like following your blog btw

Hi ! First of all, thank you for liking my blog! I’m glad you’re enjoying my content even though I’m killugon trash HAHAH

Oh lord, it really is a big debate. I’m not calling everyone who doesnt like a romantic reading of killugon a dudebro, only the people who are vehemently against it because they say people are projecting and that there is no basis to our claims that hxh is queer work.

This is gonna be me ranting for a bit because it’s a subject that’s very dear to me so i’m very sorry in advance, it’s not against you, just a general statement !

I totally agree that fuck toxic masculinity. It’s so fucking toxic and men should be allowed to show emotions, affection and care openly without fearing for repercussions. And having portrayals of friendships where the characters are not afraid of sharing their love with the other in a totally platonic way is amazing.

However. 

There’s been countless representations of this type of relationship in media over the years. In every media, not only anime. I always cite the same example, but take Naruto who is the example that speaks to me the most. (ive never seen it so dont flame me if i say dumb shit). But from my understanding, Naruto and Sasuke’s relationship was a full on middle finger in the face of toxic masculinity. They shared a deep bond, pretty much like Killua and Gon’s. I know a lot of people shipped them because their relationship was borderline homoerotic, but in the end it was just a beautiful representation of a very deep platonic friendship. 

And when you’re queer, it’s heartbreaking. Because you’ve been projecting this entire time, for the work to tease you, to literally bait you into showing you inherent queer behavior only for it to say “haha lol jk” at the end is fucking rough. Especially when you’re young and questioning your sexuality, looking at relationships between two best friends and thinking “oh, this feels like I feel when I’m with my best friend, is this romantic love?” and then the work saying nope haha its purely platonic ! its rough. trust me. 

The community doesn’t have a lot of positive, healthy queer relationships to identify with. Especially in anime. Most queer relationships are labeled under the special genres “shounen ai” and “yuri” (both of these categories painting queer relationships in the worst possible ways ever btw, but thats a whole other subject). But it’s fucking sad. Because we deserve to see queer representation in works that are not classified as those genre. We shouldn’t have to dig into a particular genre to identify with characters : there should be queer representation no matter the genre, whether it be a shoujo, a seinen, or for example, a shounen battle manga.

And that’s why HxH is so important to the queer community. Because it displays just that. That you can have good queer representation in non shounen-ai genres. That queer relationships are normal and should not have to be classified under a certain category. 

A lot of queer people identify and recognize HxH as queer work, because of a few reasons. Togashi has always been interested in queer representation, having put queer characters in every single one of his works. There was a trans girl in YYH, a trans man in Level E, Alluka in HxH. Togashi also wrote several gay characters in both of these works. I always repeat myself on this, but Togashi also wanted to write a gay sports manga, but was turned down. His favorite manga when he was younger was a shounen-ai. So yes, Togashi has deep history and is very involved in queer representation.

Togashi is also very fucking smart. Just look at all the metas people are producing every day about hxh and understand how much effort togashi has put into his work : he’s a smart man, who makes conscious choices about everything he puts in his manga. So when you see the way he portrayed Killua and Gon’s relationship, and for now most importantly Killua, you know it’s not accidental. Togashi has put SO much subtext in his work about Killua in general, from his birthday being Tanabata to him wanting to commit a lovers’ suicide with Gon, and Togashi KNOWS how it comes across, he’s not dumb. He knows what those things mean, he knows that a shinjuu is a heavily connotated word, and that people, ESPECIALLY JAPANESE PEOPLE who have the cultural context, are gonna think “oh, maybe Killua is gay”. Because that subtext is intentional. And there’s a lot of it. If you haven’t read my post on the subtext of HxH, I invite you to do so because there’s a LOT of it. 

In short, HxH has the subtext, has the potential and has the one author that is not afraid of putting queer stuff in his work. That’s why Killugon is so important to the community, and that’s why a lot of people, especially queer folks, insist on the romantic reading of their relationship. 

Because it’s extremely important to queer people. Positive representation of queer relationships in anime is hard to come by, ESPECIALLY in the shounen genre. And sadly, because our society is drowning in deep internalized homophobia, people easily dismiss queer behavior in media as platonic actions.

How many times have I seen people assess that two people of opposite genders in an anime are in love only because they looked at each other once (take Ponzu and Pokkle for example). Or because they held hands. Our society is so quick to romanticize interactions between two people of different genders, but fail to do the same when it’s same-gender pairings. 

Straight people hand holding, kissing, blushing around each other, admitting their love out loud, looking at each other’s eyes deeply are immediately categorized as in love. But when it’s people of the same gender, people immediately say “it can be platonic”. And whether you’re aware of it or not, that’s internalized homophobia.

That’s why it’s infuriating to see people dismiss the subtext that Togashi has tried SO HARD to plant throughout his story. Because it’s there, and if Killua was a girl, there’d be way less people opposed to a romantic reading of their relationship. Because it’d be widely accepted that Togashi is writing them as a developing couple, no questions asked. 

Which brings me to my final point (promise, I’ll stop ranting after this). Sadly, the voices of the people who assert a platonic reading of a relationship are often louder than the voices of queer people who identify with the work. When confronted with an ambiguous relationship between a same-gender pairing, people unconsciously tend to choose a platonic reading of the relationship. Which is harmful to the queer community, because the voices of the queer people who identify with the work are silenced. 

In conclusion, yes, representations of deep platonic friendships without toxic masculinity are good, and very much encouraged. We’ve just had a shitton of those over the years, and queer people are craving for proper representation. Togashi is deeply invested in positive queer representation, has planted a lot of conscious subtext in HxH, and he’s the one author that would NOT queerbait. So people being insistent that Killua is pretty much canonically gay, and that it’s likely that Killugon will be a romantic pairing is not for the sake of mindless shipping. It’s because there are a lot of reasons to believe that this is Togashi’s intention.

And like I said, sadly, people insisting on a platonic reading of their relationship is unintentionally harmful to the queer community, because people are so quick to dismiss elements that make queer people identify with the work as platonic behavior, dismissing queer people as “wishful shippers”. 

There are plenty of reasons to believe that HxH is queer work, and while platonic readings of killugon’s relationship are valid, it sucks that it’s become overbearing in the anime community, to the point where outside of tumblr, people literally bully you for thinking that there’s a possibility Killua might be gay and in love with Gon. (trust me, i’ve faced a lot of people saying that it’s disgusting to label killua as gay)

So yes ! Killugon can be read as platonic. The queer community is just very adamant about people not dismissing Togashi’s subtext because HxH is the healthy, positive representation we need. It’s a beautiful piece of work that has the full potential (and who is most likely headed this way) to display a healthy, loving, positive canon gay relationship between two of its main characters. 

Showing that a shounen battle manga can feature a canon gay relationship, showing that you can be young and gay and what you thought was best friend behavior was maybe romantic and that it’s okay because feelings change and are hard to figure out especially when you’re young and queer !! 

And most importantly showing that unlike every portrayal of deep male best friends relationships in shounen anime that turn out to be painted as purely platonic, sometimes behaviors that queer people identify with ARE queer behavior, and not just platonic love, but romantic, homosexual love. 

[cinnamonblueberry22]

Optigami Review + A big rant on Cat noir in season 4

Alright, I haven't been really active on Tumblr lately mainly because of school and all the work I've been receiving, but this is the one time I can post so just bear with me lmao.

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

Optigami Review:

Honestly love Ladybee, her transformation did look a bit rough, but her suit looks stunning. Too bad Cat noir didn't get to see it.

Kind of lost as to why there's only Luka, Kagami, Max, Chloe, and the other miraculous holders that Shadowmoth knew the identities of, did Gabriel just ask Adrien those specific people, and Adrien just, did not find anything suspicious about that?

Did Adrien just not question as to why Kaalki, the kwami of teleportation, was there with Rena Rouge?? And why Kaalki even teleported him somewhere so far to the Montparnasse Tower even though he's literally Cat noir and needed to fight??

Why were the kwamis magically able to be heard on the phone?? I thought they weren't able to be seen in technology, the phone is technology... So why were they heard??

Now for Alya. Honestly, she did seem a bit suspicious earlier because she wanted to be a permanent holder even though it's not the wisest decision and then completely acted like everything was fine after saying "It's your choice tho" and then immediately got to be a permanent miraculous holder... Seems like she wanted to cover her plans up by seeming sincere and then got her chance. Foreshadowing? Even if I love Alya in general, I do love some betrayal plot twist stories.

Mari is not making the right decision because, it will be okay for a moment, but Shadowmoth literally knows who Rena Rouge is. And at the end of the episode, we see him wanting to get to know Alya better. Alya is going to be in danger. This is going to affect Ladynoir. I mean, yea, I want angst but still.

Overall, I rate this episode a 7.5/10. It was impactful, we got to see Cat noir upset about not being needed, but there were also some questionable things in this episode like I mentioned previously. Other than that it was a decent episode and for once I liked Shadowmoths plan tbh.

So there's been a ton of people talking about "Cat noir is being replaced by Rena Rouge!" and all that... I just have one question, why? Why are you so upset over the fact that Rena was here for like, what, two episodes? And then saying she's replacing him? It's as if you're living in Cat noirs mind lmao. I swear I saw at least 12 videos in the span of two days after the release of Optigami saying how upset Cat noir is and how they're bashing Rena for it as if it's entirely her fault for getting to be a permanent miraculous holder and about to be replaced as the next Guardian of the miraculous box. Look, if you despise any girl that's getting more screentime over a DEUTERAGONIST, just say you're misogynistic and go. I don't mean to sound controversial, but what's up with you hating and bashing on girls that "Get in the way" of something that you cherish and baby (Ex. 'Kagami gets in the way of adrienette, Rena is replacing Cat noir, Vesperia is a replacement of Chloe and gets in the way of Ladynoir' who, may I remind you, is a racist rich girl and Cat can like anyone he wants so shut it)

Now back to the main subject, yes, you can be upset over what's happening to Cat noir, but that doesn't give you the right to completely bash the girls who have nothing to do with hurting him unintentionally (BTW, Ladybug is the one who is hurting him by not telling him anything, still doesn't mean you should hate on her, you can talk about it but bullying her over- dramatic; this is a kid show for god's sake). I am upset about Cat noir, but it's clear that the writers are planning something with him, as I will talk more about in the rest of this post.

There have been tons of foreshadowing in the past episodes about Adrien/Cat noir, so let me talk about it.

I'll start with Truth. In Truth, Cat noir gets hit by the spell, and Ladybug asks him his opinion on her role as Guardian of the Miraculous Box. He then says "If it doesn't change things between you and me, then I'm good with it!". But things are changing, and he's clearly not okay, this was some good foreshadowing I did not notice earlier lmao. This was a good part on the writers job.

In Mr. Pigeon 72, the end card is quite interesting. Practically all the photos of Adrien in this end card are of him wearing his blue scarf. When it wasn't even mentioned in this episode. Even if it wasn't said, it actually is still there. In Bubbler, when Adrien arrives to school, Nino says "Wow dude, guess adults can really change!" This line is effective to Adrien. The moment he got the scarf and apparently it was from his father, he was so happy. From the scarf, he thinks his father can change. He thinks his father is just demanding and over protective. He thinks his father just "Doesn't know how to show his love for his son" Even though, us, the audience, knows thats not true. Adrien is not blind. From the scarf, that's what's making Adrien keep on thinking his father isn't bad. And in Mr. Pigeon 72, he literally tells Marinette the moment he wants to walk with her in the rain and then sees the gorilla, "I can't, you know my father, he's demanding." Even though that's not the case. So why was it included in the end card? Foreshadowing that there will be a scarf reveal. Foreshadowing that Adrien will find out the truth. Even if the truth isn't always great.

Now for Solecrusher. I picked this scene because, I find it really upsetting. When Zoe was opening up to everyone talking about how she made different roles to please Chloe, and when Ivan hugs Zoe, Adrien is upset. Why? Because he relates to her. He makes different roles of himself or different personalities, to please everyone. That's why he's upset.

Now for the end card. Here's a little close-up. We see Adrien, Ivan, Juleka, Luka, and Rose. However, Adrien is farther from the others. He stills feels isolated and stuck. While everyone else is happy. He stills feels the need to pretend. Which is making Adrien feel worse.

This isn't specifically about Adrien, but I kind of see a little pattern here. Solecrusher shows Andre is the one who made Solitude. Queen Banana shows a movie being made. What's the next episode? Gabriel Agreste. This episode will probably be all about flashbacks. About the movie Solitude. About Emilie. Showing Gabriel, Emilie, and Adrien younger. I honestly think that Gabriel and Adriens relationship is still as bad, I just think that even if Adrien claims it was better before.

This was honestly the episode I felt the worse for Adrien. He nearly killed himself and Ladybug didn't even talk about it after. Now, I know Ladybug wouldn't know what to say, but she should at least speak up?? I mean that's all I want tbh. The end card seems.. Off. Adrien is not included even though he had a big role in comforting Juleka in the beginning of the episode. Cat noir is shown to be, smiling.. But the smile doesn't even seem genuine. He's still upset. He's still not okay. Foreshadowing that he's feeling even worse than before.

Optigami. Holy this episode. Well I already rated it before but yea. Take a look at his facial expressions. He's upset he wasn't even in the battle (Meaning he wasn't never happy with the fact that he's sometimes not even needed in fights like Style Queen), he's angry, shocked/disappointed, then pretends he's the same old Cat noir with the flirty jokes, but the moment Ladybug leaves with her superhero allies (Still questioning why she even left tho; Shadowmoth knows those identities yet Cat noir doesn't..) And Cat noir is just upset. I couldn't take the exact frame of him alone but I see him looking all moody and sad. He's now pretending to be fine as Cat noir. Which is not getting any better, but more angsty lol.

As I saw all the foreshadowing in this season, the writers seem to be isolating Adrien even more. And after the scarf reveal, I'm pretty sure he's going to pretend to be fine with that too. I feel like a lot is going to happen to him. Maybe even him possibly becoming a.. Villain? What? In Queen Banana, it shows the hero of creation, and the villain of destruction. Could mean something. Other than that, I've been thinking about a lot of angsty fake scenarios of Adrien lately lol.. Back to the subject, the possible breakdown or conflict between Ladynoir would happen in season 4. It's the most logical time.

Oh, and one more thing:

Bye!

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

tl;dr political rant post:

it had been my goal from 12 years old to do an arts degree in philosophy (yes what a nerd- thanks to my dad playing a Great Courses philosophy dvd one morning in 2007 and my dad always taking me to the botanic gardens/the uni some weekends).

i graduated from my arts degree in 2018, with a major in english and a minor in philosophy. i was so, so lucky to even get into my communications & media degree (at first i was originally going to do marketing communications, advertising & PR)... but i realised that i was not made for business subjects- despite my mark101 tutor telling me she thought i had knack for marketing- something under this policy that i wouldn’t undertake due to the price hike for commerce/business degrees. nor was i made for a media degree. so i changed to arts & humanities.

although under this atrocious policy, english subjects are made “cheaper”- why on fucking should the rest of someone’s arts/humanities degree be so much more expensive, all depending on the fields they choose???? so you’re telling me, if i was instead to enter undergrad this year to do my english degree... that my english major would be subsidised, but my philosophy minor would be at double the cost (along with the few first year business and communications&media subjects i did), unless i forced myself to pick maths or science subjects that i would most definitely fail, no matter how much work i’d put into them??? or there’s languages- but much like maths/science- there’s the problem with my handwriting that stopped me trying french and even japanese (ironically, since it’s know for its ~painstakingly neat and orderly~ script- but my handwriting is still messy, disorderly and confusing asf).

*please note that most of this next section is just me being highly spurious and cynical. it’d probably work out fine*

but you’re also telling me that under this policy that i’d also probably have to forego my reasonable adjustments in those subjects (yes i still have trouble with my handwriting to this day) mostly because a lot of software still won’t let you write out maths problems properly or i’d have to spend twice as long trying to get a graph to work in excel or idek matlab (please teach me maths nerds)???? and most maths working out is probably better handwritten or whatever??? and that’s besides the point that i still can’t use excel at all 😂.

so with these classes then, would i be battling from day one of first year with professors to let me use a computer during exam periods (unless of course they use online/take home exam methods like philosophy)???? probably (im being very suspicious here because i don’t know how science/maths etc faculties work).

although i did get this once with one particular english professor; who used the excuse that he didn’t know how to set a computer up for exams because he had been on “sabatical for 4 years” or whatever and so “didn’t know the policies anymore”.... so then according to him it was apparently “the students job to do it.... especially since you’re in third year, miss williams”..... however, i was promptly then told by EVERY uni offical that i approached for help to do it for me.... and my other professors across my course that had done it for me, that it was in fact the PROFESSORS job/responsibility to set it up, and not the student’s??? like. help your students fuckwit professor grant??? honestly. anyway. aside from my personal struggles in the english department: let’s proceed. (this was a real incident btw).

would i be at a significant disadvantage to other students by not being able to use a computer during maths exams or science exams because of the drawing of diagrams and graphs and “showing your working”???? hell yes. would i want the professors in that department to probably condescendingly telling me all the time to “present my work neater and more precisely”? FUCK NO. it’s exactly why i avoided every maths and science subject in undergrad- even including the astronomy subject that i wanted to do- because it also meant that fellow students had to read my handwriting for practicals etc as well, that i wasn’t entirely keen on either. but i did not need the harsh reminders of “be more precise and infallible in your work presentation” that i’d had at school constantly for 11 years of maths lessons; affecting my mental health and performance in a subject during a uni semester.

moreover, that’s besides the fact that i’d flat out fail the “year 12 band 4 maths” requirements- unless they want to waive those- for first year maths/science subjects (at least basing it on my local uni).... considering that i actually skipped out on maths completely in year 12 by doing a TVET/tafe/technical college course in live theatre, production and events (which no surprises here, actually included maths anyway 😅).

because, fuck. is ANYONE seeing a trend in my study choices here? hell, i almost did a commerce/business dual degree with a tafe diploma in event management for crying out fucking loud. and you’re telling me that’s also doubled in price?? it’s obvious that i was interested in the arts & humanities and business subjects from the get-go. but under this policy- i’d be charged double for having my interest in event management, instead of say, biology (which is a subject that if it weren’t for mark scaling in my final hsc exam- i would have failed completely)??? utterly ridiculous.

i even contemplated doing a double degree with law at one point (or doing a legal studies major/minor- which is now a course at my local uni, but was not while i was there). however, law course fees have also doubled under this new policy. leaving that out of reach for me, despite that a double degree with law was out of reach for me anyway..... since my mark average was 65% and not at least 75% lol. but as if those marks averages will actually matter under this new policy.

under this bullshit policy, i’d be forced to take science/maths or even teaching (another field i had to avoid, since people can’t read my writing on a whiteboard from a distance half the time either.... besides the fact that i’m not really the ~teacher type~) subjects- all so that my degree price overall will be ”reduced”..... meaning that i would have to trade out my philosophy minor for something in maths/teaching/science (or maybe creative arts- since those fees stayed the same roughly)... instead of sticking to what i was good at: philosophy and other humanities/social science fields like sociology and history????

i understand that many people will snub me with saying “oh why did you even BOTHER going to uni if you were THAT indecisive about what you wanted to do?” which is something i’ve seen many older people saying on posts about this policy. but hell, i was 19 FUCKING YEARS OLD WHEN I STARTED UNI, FOR GODS SAKE. OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO BE FUCKING INDECISIVE ABOUT MY DIRECTION IN LIFE! because, newsflash fuckwits: not everyone has a defined career goal at 19. hell, i still don’t have one at almost 25..... since i’ll admit here, that i flunked out of my postgrad library course.... because i realised that i simply couldn’t cope with learning simple HTML, CSS and javascript coding for website design & user experience design 😂 (again help me computer wiz friends). yes, believe it or not, librarians have to know that today. and most people think that it’s just all about books (okay that was me, but i was wrong). also, if you’re wondering: postgrad library courses aren’t affected, thank god. but my point is, aren’t we meant to fuck up and pick the wrong things in life sometimes??? aren’t we meant to be indecisive about our choices in our late teens up until our mid 20s???

but now you’re telling students that their very first year of uni is practically set out for them, even for arts/humanities degrees (im not counting properly prescribed degrees such as engineering/science/communications & media (they had prescribed majors and prescribed first year subjects, which is why i left it. because i felt trapped in the prescribed marketing et al major etc); all because the government is telling them that “oh to make your first year cheaper: (A.) get good marks.... so that we don’t cancel your HECS place and (B.) pick subjects outside of the arts/humanities like science/maths/tech related subjects so that you don’t pay a whopping $14,500 for your first year of uni and will be more likely to be “job ready”. whatever the actual fuck “job ready” really means. and this all as if there ISN’T enough pressure for a 18/19 year old to succeed in their first year of uni already.

although, the one thing i’ll say is that my one year advanced diploma in marketing that i did in 2014, was $16,500. i still haven’t made any moves to pay it off. but it was constantly in the back of my mind during uni, both undergrad and postgrad. it was there as a reminder to pick cheaper subjects, so as to not greatly increase my combined hecs debt and vet-fee help debt; which is now sitting at $42,500. which under this new policy is the new price of ONE arts & humanities undergrad degree. i’d hate to be going into uni next year at 19 years old (or any age really) with that price tag on my degree.

anyway. that’s the end of my non-sensical rant. morrison and the rest of the libs etc can go fuck themselves.

[adultingautistic]

help? rambling! sorry for that thing.

(saw in the ask-section: so written today as of the 20th of August in the year 2020)

Hey,

No idea how to approach this. Though first things first: English is not my native language and I have some trouble with languages (even my native) [mostly speaking and writing… and understanding (the hearing part but sometime also the meaning part) – okay I just can’t language – sorry] and this thingy here will be long, again – sorry Though I learned to understand written english just so I could read more fanfictions (‘cause the ones in my native language didn’t satisfy me anymore) - spend a whole summer just reading stuff in english and now I *need* to read everything in english and watch things in their native production language (synchro is weird af) and if possible with subtitles (books: if it’s the authors native language; otherwise both languages (german and english) would be translated and then it doesn’t really matter, most of the time anyway)

WARNING: Messy, chaotic and about 2500 words long. Sorry. and it isn’t proof read and some sentences could be… not a sentence

I think I might be autistic / have adhd ? not sure, going to someone (professional) is not really an option as that would take at least 6 to 12 month to even get maybe a appointment… and it involves a lot of social interaction that would stress all people – even those that don’t have to think about *every* interaction they have with eachother… like no planning or thinking about what you have to say or can’t say and what’s appropriate? Like that is a thing – always wondered how most people got through life when everything is so damn hard. It is apparently a thing that isn’t so quite normal… lol*

Okay, most of the time (that I remember) wondered how that worked for everyone else except me – how they get through life thinking all those things, or well… don’t thinking all those things like HOW?!? Why can you “people”? and I learned it’s important if you’re a girl or not; so yeah, girl here. Followed adhd / autism stuff for a few month / weeks and now again for the last days (it’s an on and off thing). so yeah, I can relate to so much on like everything. Long time I thought, nah, can’t have it: good in school (more so when I was younger but never actually bad), finished school good (though could have been better, if I had studied once (like for my oral exam, I opened the document that should help us learn one whole time, the morning of the exam so yeah, not good at that; brain just goes, heard it once, why should I read this information? Can’t really recall it but while reading I “know” it, so WhAt Is STuDyInG?)) anyway (at this point I would have deleted about everything but like 3 or 4 sentences because… rambling. Sorry, but I think it is important what’s actually going on in my brain; I know it’s hard to read lol) considering all those things I read here (and on other blogs and stuff), I would explain so much about what’s going on in my life (I made a document where I collect all that stuff but it’s redundant sometimes and really messy; try to make a short list with most important things).

Like as a kid, it took me longer than other kids for this social stuff (not like it got “everything”, just enough to communicate more or less lol) or I was so freaking focused on rules; one example is at the train station, there is this line to indicate where you should wait for the train and the other side is where you’re allowed to step once the train is in the station – I lost it, when that rule wasn’t followed (never really big, loud but I was really upset – you know, I learned that it isn’t “allowed” to act out in public). Another thing, I would always get the adults (or kids) around me to speak to others: I mean, I wanted ice cream? Couldn’t order it (still hard to this day – I’m 19 years old btw) or any other basic interaction stuff – I mean I broke every connection to my best friend (in 6th grade, so I was like 10 or 11) because he broke a rule while playing “hide and seek” like yeah, one rule one time while playing and I didn’t speak to him for like 6-7 years (met him at driving school again lol) and I still have his book because I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore (now it’s just awkward to give it back).

As I was younger I loved reading, couldn’t get me away from it – now not so much lol (books or reading in general is so hard sometimes… most of the time) – but that is more like: I lost myself in the books and was super focused on it – now I “don’t have time” as in I can’t really read a book if I don’t have theoretically the whole day and night – cause if I have to do stuff later “there is not enough time to read a book” because I could get lost in it and miss stuff and 5 hours is like 5 minutes, right? (that is a part of “time blindness”, am I mistaken? – never really related to that on a deeper level but the longer it think about it, the more stuff comes to my mind that could be part of it lol / like I always at least try to) get ready when I want to visit my grandparents, it’s like a ten minute walk so I need at least 45 minutes to prepare. Example: want to be there at 14:00 so I should go to the bathroom around 13:15 the latest, bathroom always takes long ‘cause I get distracted, so I then somehow get going around 13:50 – spoiler: I need more like at least 15 minutes not less then 10 to get to my grandparents by foot – and where is the time? I got out of the bathroom somewhere before 13:40 most of the time – I do the exact same things every time and sometimes I’m like: oh, it’s like 13:25/13:30, why would I think I need so much time to get ready? And then most often I need longer – and no, then I start to got even earlier (bathroom is like the first thing in the routine I do before I have to leave the house) and somehow it is now 13:45 and I just leave the bathroom – HOW??)

Okay, MSWord tells me, I have written like almost a 1100 words and haven’t even looked at my 11 page document – sorry (can I even write that many words in an ask at tumblr?)

Another thing I found is RSD – of my god (I usually don’t like to use it like that but omg), that explains so much – don’t want to write too much (missed quite a few “too”s I think lol hope you understand anyway) – I really react so intense to small, constructive criticism and I didn’t (don’t) understand why; and question everything; I remember everything I did wrong (so many “small” things but I’m such bad at human sometimes) and the feels and oh no, I didn’t even do something wrong, my coworker/sort-of-not-really-friend told me how I could have slightly improved what I did: I’m such a bad human, I can’t do anything right and they won’t want to have to do anything with me again – thank you brain, not helpful. One other thing was, like I asked for one weekend of and I wasn’t allowed to take it ‘cause they planned to or already shifted an event (couldn’t really focus on that) to that weekend and I didn’t know it and when they said “no”, in that situation I could have lost it, I was almost in tears (you do not cry in public lol) and thought, how could I even ask that and be soo egoistic (along the lines of that).

This next one is just the text copied from a post but that is like exactly what it is for me:

“I literally thought all the symptoms were the default way a brain works, so you’re telling me some of you can “choose” what to pay attention to? Like, if you know you absolutely have to listen to and remember something you just “can” even if you don’t like it?

And if you’re at a restaurant and three other tables are having conversations you don’t just automatically absorb everything they’re saying?

And if you know you have to do something within the next hour it won’t just remind you of a different subject entirely which reminds you of another different subject entirely and you don’t just take you three days to remember the original thing you were doing????”

so true lol.

Found another post with autism signs in adults (that my have been missed as kids), I took out everything I don’t really relate to (like 5 or 6 things lol):

-          may constantly rehears conversations or interactions

-          may feel as though you are always on stage

-          may have a few close friends, not many acquaintances

-          may struggle with other people breaking rules (RULES ARE ABSOLUT – HOW CAN YOU BREAK THEM?)

-          may often fidget, chew, tap, or other repetitive behaviors

-          may get more or less upset at something than is “appropriate”

-          may struggle to adjust when plans change without warning

-          may have routines that don’t seem to have a real purpose

-          may struggle in situations that are unfamiliar

-          may be a very picky eater with few preferred foods

-          may struggle with noises, touching, or sensory input

-          may struggle to process visual or auditory information

-          may struggle to settle body down enough for restful sleep (though I now have a weighted blanket and that’s soo awesome, it really helps at least a bit (don’t wake up that often at night anymore))

-          may struggle to keep track of a fast conversation

-          may take jokes very literally, and not understand teasing

-          may miss sarcasm or subtleties while others are speaking

I understand teasing, I can more or less successful tease and be sarcastic but I’m not sure if people are teasing me. I do not prefer to communicate via text or email. It is still very stressful for me - a telephone is also bad (tone and stuff, not understanding the words correct and not even seeing the other person and in person is also bad – so no to communication and/or interaction lol)

I could provide example for everything but I’m at around 1700 words and just no.

Didn’t really mention sensory stuff, another post I found: “basically, your day-to-day sensory input shouldn’t be causing you distress. sounds wild, i know, but it’s not neurotypical for the stimuli (be it sound, touch, visual, etc etc) you encounter on a day-to-day basis to make you unhappy. also, if busy shopping malls or crowded parties consistently cause you distress or agitation, that’s a neurodiverse thing. it sounds strange, but apparently but yeah, it’s normal for most people to expect to be comfortable in their day to day surroundings.”

Like on one level, I knew it couldn’t be quite “normal” to be always uneasy in “normal” day to day surroundings but like, I can’t understand how people can not find it hard to be in such environment (I heard some enjoy it even, like HOW?).

Random interjection ‘cause I wanted to say something to thing from the beginning: * “Allistics do not “prepare” in order to socialize.  They do not have scripts.  They do not write them, memorize them, or use them.  They just magically know what to say. “ yeah, wow, didn’t realise that for a long time, and it is really magically. But somehow they can; I still ask my mom to help me write emails (more or less important ones) ‘cause it’s hard and she’s always like: “we do it so often, why do you still need help, just write” – not helpful and we didn’t do it actually ‘cause it is a complete different situation now lol every new email is a new thing… I need to think about what to say to the cashier every damn time I’m in the supermarket lol; if I don’t have to talk, someone else orders for me (they thinks I’m lazy or so, I don’t know but it’s so hard and you know what to do, so you can do it lol)

And that executive dysfunction thingy also explains a lot – I mean, I like languages, I’m just not good at that speaking/hearing the words thing – still, I learn Ancient Greek as a sort of hobby (I mean, I learn it for so long now, it’s too late to stop, that would be weird and it is really interesting, just really hard) and I needed like 7 hours to do the work (like, got out of bed, got breakfast, started the computer and did like 30 minutes of working, then did some stuff on the internet for like an hour and then ate my forgotten breakfast, then did some more browsing (I need to do the work cause I have to send it to my teacher this evening lol) some work for like almost an hour, some more phone, a bit of work – and so on. I did some work (but like so many people would have done more or needed less time lol) – anyway I know I really need to work on the language and I just… don’t. arg, that sucks so much, every week I think, I could start doing things on Saturday and then everyday a bit so I have like six days to do some work and every time it’s Thursday and I’m like, lol 10 hours for doing a weeks work. And it’s not like I could focus for that 10 hours – except when I can but sadly it’s almost never on the things I *need* to do. Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

So, yeah, sorry; I think it’s quite possible that I’m autistic / have adhd, both or so – am I making things up and this is just my mind going a bit wild? (also, I’ve done some online “tests”; most of the time I get like ¾ of the maximal points, but at least always more than half the full points)

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Thanks if you made it to the end! 20.08.2020

PS. could write so much more in my mind but nope. i think one can get my point. otherwise just ask me

PPS. actually talked with my grandmother about it, lol, she said, it would explain some things she wondered about lol (never thought i would talk in real life with someone about it but i really needed to talk about my thoughts and then i couldn’t shut up and i was so worried but she is kinda cool with it? though she doen’t really know anything about the topic except what i told her so yeah. i acually have no clue how to approach my mum (even if it isn’t autism/adhd or so, i think i have to talk about how i tick a bit lol) (sorry, just had to write it a least lol)

so sorry, needed a part two (cause brain is stupid)

Okay, part two (I’m so sorry) (now it is the 21st of August 2020)

There is so much more I can write about: sorry, again like 1300 words.

Like, special interests – I have no idea; as I kid my teacher had to regularly remind me that I have to leave the classroom for break – cause I was so into my book that I didn’t hear anyone leaving the room or the bell; now I can get really invested in some fanfictions (if I have like five days for myself and nothing to do, it is like 3 books without a break) and I’m at a point where I don’t find (good) new stuff and read the same fanfic again and again (I know exactly what will happen and still love it), sometimes I don’t read it for like a few weeks or month and then like 5 times back to back. I absolutely love Doctor Who (but I’m not excessively obsessive or so and don’t know that many facts just some), just can ramble for a few minutes (okay, everyone who would listen speaks German and my main input for Doctor Who is English, so hard to translate that and stuff). Well back to books: I love them; even though I can’t properly focus much these day, I love them, I need them: but why? I hate that when book covers changes or the side of the book like it’s: publisher, name of book, author and the next book is like name of the book, publisher, author and all is mixed up or the symbol of the publisher is slightly different: why? Can’t it be consistent? Why??.

Routines, rituals and stuff. Yeah, I have for example this one street (they repaired the street but there is a small crack now), I have to cross it on the side that is where the street crosses another and then the last 3 steps have to be on the other side and the fourth is stepping on the sidewalk (I really can’t do it any other way and I hate this one car that always blocks the crack a bit – it shouldn’t be standing there ‘cause it’s almost directly in the crossing lol) when I still was going to school, my way home was very specific and one time there was a building/construction site (just some repairs or work on the pipe lines in the ground) and the first time I saw this I was stressed after a long day of school and almost lost it right there and then, because I couldn’t walk my normal way (and yes, at home I cried at bit); for the next few weeks my way back home was hell. I have some specific routines for the bathroom and showering (though most people have that, right?). I have to pack my things and then my stuff like keys and such in the same way every time. When I need a walk I have like two (or three) routes I can take and I have to do them and almost can’t change them after I started (I can though it really throws me off and I don’t feel really well after that). One time – cause Covid-19 and stuff – you need to use a shopping cart where I live in order to enter the supermarket (so you keep more distance) – so, I went to the market by foot and had everything planned, shortly before I am at the store I realise I don’t have a “chip” (thingy you need to use the shopping cart; don’t know if you know what I mean) and I lost it – my plans and routine how I go shopping to that market (if by foot) was ruined – went back home and cried and raged like for an hour (went later again, cause I really needed stuff and I couldn’t leave that thing open, that also feels… not good – had to finish the walking “round”: to the store, store, back home)

One thing I mentioned before: sensory stuff; yeah, not a fan of “loud” noises (it isn’t always the loudness but more the number of noises). Water in my face (nope, hate it, never under the shower and like a sponge or so is horror (like everywhere on my body), just clean water is okay (but please, I can’t have had soap like right before on my hands)), lights is a day to day thing (though if I’m tired / close to what I think is sensory overload, either the room I’m in gets like darker or lights up so much it’s not tolerable anymore (then I know, I really, really have to leave the room and not see or hear anybody anything anymore)), and food, yeah (everything has its place on my plate and please don’t touch), I’m a really “picky” eater and I absolutely despise like cooked or baked fruits (some vegetables too) (they feel soo weird in my mouth… and taste bad… but the texture alone is… really, really bad) (if I wait a bit more, I could think of more but you get the gist I think)

One thing that throws me off: Since I’m 14 years old, I do some stuff with youth groups like mostly work in the church as a volunteer (like in the (school)holidays going a vacation with a group and such things) – I needed like three years (I was and still am seen as shy, mostly) to really “lead” a group (I really am good at imitating the others that can lead a group, I think) and now after I finished school and am doing a “Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr (FSJ)” (voluntary social year) (basically I “work” for a year in a social job (sorry, no idea how to explain it in English) and get not much money (that’s the volunteering-part, but ‘cause I work full-time (38.5 hours a week on paper), I get a bit of money)) – and now I applied for studying for working in a social job – can’t really explain it but important is that I would/will have to work with people and stuff, like my job is to create/plan activities for people (like for example, a meeting every week for old people, free-time activities for teenagers or so). On one level I somehow like that working with people (as long as I know what I do, I had time to plan and everything happens more or less as I imagined/planned), on another level I absolutely… well not hate it… but it is really taxing for me and sometimes I really question myself but then other people say, do it, you’re good at it – and I’m like: yeah? I sometimes feel terrible and have no idea what’s going but okay, good that you don’t see that?! Am I not totally awkward and what? Still, have no clue what I would do instead of that lol (sorry, explained that whole thing real bad; just ask, if something is unclear)

So, two options: either I fake everything I wrote before that last thing and how would that work? Or I’m really good at faking that last thing and how? I have no idea and yeah, I had to write that – can both work? Like, it’s not like that I’m always (really) comfortable doing that social stuff but on the other hand, a bit adrenaline and anxiety makes the life more fun or something like that (and it’s not like, yeay, one time a certain situation managed and the next time I can navigate that somewhat same situation, nope, it’s like nothing ever happened before and that’s… annoying?)

Sorry again to bother you. Thanks for reading

21.08.2020

PS. I will probably think of something new every few hours but that’s enough for now I think lol – sorry

PPS. And sorry for my bad English and explaining… language is hard (not like I could write it better in my native language lol)

_______________________________________________________________

First, I will never, ever, ever judge someone based on how good their English is, whether English is their first language or not.  People communicate the best they can, and that’s all that counts, and it does not matter if it’s “perfect”.

So I can’t address every detail you brought up, because this was a LOT!  I did read all of it though, and the general impression I get is that you’re right, you probably have ADHD, and possibly autism as well, though I am not a doctor and I can’t diagnose you.

You asked a few times if you could be “faking” it, and the answer to that I can say for certain: No, you are not faking.  What you told me here are your life experiences.  I just read a story of “How life is like” for you, and it was not fiction, this is your real perspective about how your brain sees the world.  This is not fake.  This is who you are, and I felt what you wrote was very open and honest, the exact opposite of fake.

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Based on your experiences that you shared, I’d say it’s more than likely you have ADHD.  You talk often about trying to complete a task and losing your focus before it’s finished:

Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

This is all very suggestive of ADHD.  You also had some symptoms that could be autism, but it seems like the ADHD is more prominent for you and is affecting you more (keep in mind, I’m only a stranger on the internet, I could be totally wrong).

I’m really happy that you were able to share these thoughts with your grandmother, and that she was open to listening to you about them, even if she didn’t have all the facts.  

I know you said it would be a long wait, and very difficult, to get an appointment with a professional.  But I do really think you should be tested for ADHD.  Maybe your grandmother can help you talk to your mum about it, or maybe your grandmother can make all those phone calls for you (because believe me, I know how difficult it is to make phone calls, they are just as hard for me).  Even if you have to wait a year, it would be worth it to know- and also, because in the case of ADHD, there is medication which can help you.  So it would be really worth it for you to get that, even if you have to wait a long time.

You’re obviously a very detail-oriented, thoughtful person, and I know that you’ve studied this subject inside and out.  You’re not faking, you’re not making it up.  These are your experiences, and they are the truth, and you deserve to be tested if you want to be.  

[wallofweird]

What have to sophie stans said now lol? Also what has the actress said that doesn't sit right with you?

So, a lot of her fans are arrogant and constantly saying terrible things about Madison, wishing her death, hoping Kevin will cheat on her with Sophie, calling her a puke, even downplaying her bulimia and almost death experience. They're also going as far as saying mean things about Caitlin herself and basically spamming and bullying their way with the show's and cast's social media so they will like their tweets about Kophie. There is this group of friends on twitter and they're completely obnoxious, they tweet mean things all the time and now whenever someone posts anything they're always like "WHERE IS SOPHIE?".

Alexandra has given me the impression she's not that better than those fans either, because the other day Justin asked people what they thought of Kevin and Madison on instagram and she commented something completely changing the subject to Sophie and ignoring Madison/Caitlin. On her current TV show, Virgin River, there is a love triangle among Mel (her character), Jack and Charmaine and she was joking that she hoped Charmaine would move away with her and Jack's children. Now I don't know if you're familiar with that show and honestly I don't even bother to watch it anymore, but the whole story is that Jack had a casual relationship with Charmaine for a while (I think it was two years?), but she developed feelings for Jack and he didn't reciprocate them, but kept sleeping with her knowing she hoped that would eventually change. And during this entire time he was hanging out with Mel, but he didn't make a move on her, he would flirt with Mel and then go to Charmaine for sex and she ended up getting pregnant. When she found out she sort of freaked out and was worried and considered leaving the town and raising the baby by herself. She ended up changing her mind on season 2, and the writers tried to make her a villain in order to be an obstacle to Mel and Jack, they changed a lot of things about her personality and behavior, but even so I don't think she was as bad as the writers and fans make it seem. A lot of her behavior was justified because Jack is just the epitome of a mediocre man at best, he has been all about Mel since day one but he would still go to Charmaine, he says he loves his children (it turned out to be twins) and he barely shows any excitement about them, he even tries to play cop and go talk to drug dealers etc and risk his own life when he has two children in the way... ANYWAY, you get the point. A lot of Charmaine's attitude could be explained by her awkward situation, loneliness, hormones and everything she is dealing with and handling all of it and her high-risk pregnancy basically all by herself. It's just that the writers wanted to bring some female rivalry in order prop a basic man, but it doesn't take a genius to see what they did and know how unfair that was and that both characters and Lauren (the actress that plays Charmaine) deserved more. 

So Alexandra joking about her leaving the town with the twins and completely ignoring and failing to show some respect and support to her fellow actresses and their characters, considering she spent a lot of time with Lauren and knows Caitlin in person, is just... Disappointing. And she's even talked about how Jack and Mel get married and have children in the books that the show is based on, she knows her character is the protagonist, Mel and Jack are the main couple on the show, that she is safe and her character's story and her romance with Jack are guaranteed, it wouldn't have hurt to try to show some support for an actress that was clearly done dirt by the writers. Specially because they're also actresses and she's been in a similar position before, I've never watched The Walking Dead, but from what I've known she played a temporary love interest for the protagonist, even though the main relationship of the show was the guy and another woman’s. So she knows how it feels like to be in the 'middle' of the main couple or to play a new love interest in the middle of a show's run, when the audience is divided part of it is already attached to previous relationships and not willing to give a new actress/character/romance a chance and you have to work hard to convince them and have them warm up to your and your story... I was expecting her to show more empathy towards them. 

And now she is constantly posting fanmade content regarding Kevin and Sophie, the new season of Virgin River was released NOT EVEN A MONTH ago, the show has been renewed, she was or is still filming its third season, I checked and most of the recent stuff she's tagged on are about Mel, Mel and Jack and VIRGIN RIVER as a whole and she is specifically looking for and posting about Kevin and Sophie. AND NOW, of all moments. She could've done it on season 4, when Kevin was single, she actually got to show up and Sophie was mentioned a few times. Why is she doing it NOW, when the show she currently stars on has a new season, is renewed, being filmed and generally thriving? And This Is Us is in a totally different place, with Kevin being engaged to Madison, Caitlin being promoted to series regular after committing to it for four years and the two characters about to become parents of twins? And she knows they won't end up together, so why is focusing on Kophie and not Virgin River all of a sudden? And she is THE PROTAGONIST there and she knows Mel and Jack are ENDGAME. It just comes across as greedy, calculated and insensitive and like she’s not content with what she already has. 

And Caitlin is so laid-back, she barely posts anything, she rarely gives interviews, she only talks and posts about Madison when she actually is involved in the story, she is working crazy hours as much as the rest of the cast in the middle of a PANDEMIC and when she has a baby that is not even one yet (btw, Caitlin and Mandy deserve some serious applause for balancing all of it with motherhood and pregnancy)... She deserves more respect from people, specially from someone that can relate to her as an actress, woman, mother etc. It's also not even a situation where she misses the cast, because she could've shown it by commenting on different pictures and wishing them well, she didn't have to specifically comment on something about Kevin and Madison's relationship and ignoring Madison/Caitlin and trying to change the subject to herself, she could've said something like "I have a soft spot for Kophie, but these two look cute and I'm excited to see more of you and Cait!", there are a lot of ways she could've handled the situation better while still being sensitive and acknowledging Caitlin's importance. It isn't even like she was reminiscing about her old characters and TV shows either, because she is only posting about This Is Us.

Anyway, I'm not saying they have a feud or Alexandra is the worst person in the planet or anything, but lately she is coming off as opportunist and selfish to me. It just seems that she fails to understand the fact she's not part of something anymore and have some humility and show appreciation for someone other than herself. AND SHE IS CURRENTLY STARRING A SHOW THAT'S BEEN THRIVING AND RENEWED!!!!!!!!!! So actions like these just give the impression that one show where she is the star and her happy ending is basically guaranteed is just not enough for her, that she wants everything and can’t even respect other people’s places. And that absolutely doesn't sit right with me.

[maxdark158]

This is chapter two of my fic based on @ozmav ‘s Damian Wayne x Marinette Dupain-Cheng au that I LOVE, please check them out.

Angel in Gotham: Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3 ~ Part 4 ~ Part 5 ~ Part 6 ~ Ao3

Demon in Gotham: Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3 ~ Part 4 ~ Ao3

Fanart for AiG: Riddler ~ Joker thank you @thegreysman

Please tag me in any fanart you draw for this guys ^^

oooOOOooo

“Marinette, seriously?” The annoyed voice of Marinette’s once-best-friend Alya Cesaire was grating to her now. “You need to stop running away just for attention, it won’t work.”

It had been a long day for Marinette. It started off well, even after being forgotten by her class, because she got to hang out with Damian. But The Riddler kind of spoiled that. After her talk with the police, Damien waited with her for a teacher to pick her up from the station. They parted when her teacher arrived, Marinette promising to text him when she got to her hotel room.

The teacher that picked her up was Professor Mendeleiev. While the science teacher’s strictness had unnerved Marinette for years, lately she had begun wishing she was in her class instead of Ms. Bustier’s. Ms. Bustier’s tactics of being a better example for a bully were starting to wear on her. Professor Mendeleiev wasn’t perfect, but Marinette would have taken being in her class over being in Ms. Bustier’s now.

When the teacher asked why Marinette had been away from the group in the first place, Marinette told her that she had been forgotten by Ms. Bustier and her class. Professor Mendeleiev went silent after that.

The rest of the ride was silent too.

It was silent until Professor Mendeleiev dropped her off at her room where Alya was waiting to rip into her about being attention-seeking and rude.

“Hello?” she sounded angry now. “Are you even listening to me? Do you think if you ignore us we’ll believe you were ever nice again? Lila told us the truth about who you are, you-”

“Alya!” her teacher snapped. “Your classmate was caught in a villain attack today. Leave her alone.”

Alya gaped. “But”

“That was not a request,” Professor Mendeleiev growled. “Do you think you can escape my detentions because we are on vacation?”

Alya squeaked and ran off to her room.

Marinette blinked, not quite sure what just happened. Relief was the cool feeling applied to a headache, stopping the pain.

“Thank you,” she mumbled. Professor Mendeleiev nodded and stalked off, mumbling something about having a long overdue talk with ‘Caline’.

Alya must have gone back to her hotel room, as Marinette didn’t encounter her or anyone else on her way back to her room.

The relief hit again, but the hint of sadness was like mint in her mouth and wetness on her cheek, despite her not actually crying.

It was hard to remember that Alya used to be her best friend. It got harder every time Alya got after her for bullying or lying or anything else that she didn’t actually do. Marinette almost wishes they hadn’t ever become friends, the betrayal would have hurt less.

It seems some wounds take years to heal.

Marinette arrived at her room and unlocked the door with her room key. She entered and immediately flopped on her bed.

“Marinette, are you alright?” she heard Tikki ask.

“I’m just tired,” she mumbled. “I’m more used to akumatized villains, not insane people with riddle obsessions.”

She felt Tikki brush aside some of her hair. “I’m just glad you’re alright. You scared me for a moment, Marinette. I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you.”

Marinette smiled. “Thanks, Tikki.”

“It’s simply the truth! Also, didn’t you tell that boy you would text him?”

Her eyes widened. Marinette rolled over and got her phone out of her purse. “Thanks for reminding me!”

Tikki giggled out a, “no problem,” and rested on Marinette’s stomach.

Angel: I’m at the hotel now.

Damian: That’s good Damian: Did you get in trouble?

Marinette smiled to herself. It felt nice, being worried about… Even if she didn’t want him to worry. But the fact that he cared felt like a warm hug.

Angel: Professor Mendeleiev must’ve been tired or something. Angel: She didn’t leacture

She frowned. That had to be wrong.

Angel: Lecture?

Damian: *lecture

Marinette rolled her eyes. In the two days she had known Damian, she knew he was a stickler for grammar. Though he wasn’t harsh about his corrections, as he knew English wasn’t her first language, it was a tad annoying. Marinette was much better at speaking and reading in English than she was at spelling.

Angel: Quiet, English is hard

Damian: Understandable. Damian: In my original question I meant any of your classmates btw

Angel: btw? Angel: Oh by the way

Damian: yeah

Angel: I’m good at text slang in French, okay

Damian: I don’t doubt you

She rolled her eyes and smiled. Annoying, but the banter was nice. It wasn’t like with Chat Noir when he was trying to flirt with her.

Angel: Anyway Alya tried to bother me but I’m good now Angel: Professor Mendeleiev told her off for bothering me after my ‘traumatic’ encounter with a Gotham villain

Damian: Speaking of, are you SURE you’re alright Angel

Ooh, capital letters. He must be really worried. Guilt rested on her shoulders again on that day.

Angel: I’m fine Angel: I’ve survived akuma for three years, I’m not about to let some riddle fanatic with terrible clothing choices ruin my day

Damian: His clothes are that bad?

Good, subject change. Maybe she can get him to stop worrying.

Angel: Too much green, for one Angel: Green shouldn’t be used in large portions when it’s that bright of a shade Angel: Also the cloth itself was cheap, but the kind of cheap meant to look expensive if you don’t know cloth good

Damian: *well

Marinette smiled. She hoped her little intentional mistake would make him stop worrying.

Angel: Whatever Angel: Also his hat didn’t match the type of suit he was wearing Angel: If he wants to go old fashioned he should at least match the time period Angel: Longer coat, more layers Angel: He is an atrocity

Damian: he is

Angel: If I had time to cry then my tears would had been blood

Damian: *have

“Seriously,” she grumbled to herself. The guilt had long since lifted but Damian’s need for correct grammar was going to drive her mad.

Angel: istg

Damian: It appears you’re learning

Angel: Yepp

Damian: Also the Gotham news posted an article online about you Damian: “Unnamed Teenager From France Holds off The Riddler Until Batman Arrives!”

Angel: Wait what? Angel: But we both held him off?

Damian: I was kind of useless, you did most of the work Damian: I left shortly after you solved his riddle because the Robins had arrived

Marinette breathed a sigh of relief. She had been scrolling through the article Damian had mentioned, realizing that it did not have any mention of her throat punching The Riddler. It did say she took him down with physical force, but it was in self-defense and she was okay.

She just didn’t want Damian to find out she punched someone in the throat. It would make him think she was violent and he’d hate her forever and never talk to her again and she’d loose the only friend she’s made in the last three years and-

Her phone, which had fallen asleep, buzzed again.

Damian: You there?

Marinette sighed, mentally reining her anxieties in.

Angel: Yeah. I was just reading the article Angel: The Riddler was bad at hand to hand combat. It was easy to take him down with the practice I have from Paris

Damian: I bet. Damian: It’s getting late, Angel. We should go to bed. Damian: Goodnight

Angel: Goodnight Angel: Also I’ll find a chat name for you soon, promise

Damian: lol okay

Marinette smiled and put her phone away. Hopefully, she would get to spend more time with him tomorrow.

This was day three of their trip to Gotham. The entire trip lasted nine days. She wanted to make the most of her trip by spending time with her friend until she had to leave.

While the thought brought a brief sadness, she put it out of her mind and continued to get ready for bed.

oooOOOooo

Marinette managed to get up on time this morning.

Meaning, she woke up from a nightmare at around four am and couldn’t go back to sleep after that because she started fully sketching out some of her outfit ideas she had yesterday. She even made a few based off the Gotham heroes, coloring those ones in.

Despite all the designing she finished, Marinette was still the first one ready and in the lobby where the class is supposed to meet every morning.

Marinette was wearing her messier clothes today. After yesterday where she confronted The Riddler in leggings, she decided to stick to pants today too. She loved the dress she brought but it would not work if she managed to confront another villain.

Besides, the dress code was more lenient today. Marinette had on a white crop top with her signature flower pattern and dark gray overalls on. She had her hair in a French braid so it was out of her face. Her tennis shoes were the same pink as the flowers and as always, she had her purse for Tikki.

When the teachers came down to wait for the class, they saw Marinette there. Professor Mendeleiev gave her a nod, to which Marinette smiled. Ms. Bustier looked conflicted for a moment before ultimately deciding to sit down away from both her and Professor Mendeleiev.

The class began to filter in. Marinette made sure to stay out of sight from everyone but the teachers. They grouped together, talking about mindless things. Mostly about what they’d do with their afternoon. Today they were going to the Gotham City Heroes and Villains Museum in the morning, then after lunch the rest of the day was free until 5:30 pm.

Lila arrived last. Marinette knew that she likely did it so everyone noticed her entrance. She also realized that Lila arrived a few minutes before everyone had to get on the busses, so people had time to talk to and about her.

The designer simply tuned the liar out. She didn’t care anymore.

Well, she didn’t until she heard a certain name.

“Damian is such a sweetheart,” Marinette glanced up from her phone. “We might get back together again soon, I’m not sure though. I hope so.”

“I forgot that you’re on and off,” she heard someone else say, though who didn’t matter.

“Did you say Damian?” Marinette asked before she thought out the action. Her voice was loud enough that suddenly everyone was staring at her as if they forgot she was there in the first place.

They likely had.

“Uh, yeah,” Alya scoffed. “Lila and Damian Wayne are an on and off thing. You’d know that if you weren’t skipping the field trip for attention.”

“Alya, it’s alright,” Lila sighed. “We keep it out of the tabloids and Marinette doesn’t like me, it’s not her fault she didn’t know.”

“That sounds like it’s her fault! Marinette just needs to get over herself!”

Marinette was tuning her classmates out. She felt like an idiot. But at the same time, he never told her. He must have had a reason for telling her.

But there was no mistaking it. The Riddler called him, “Wayne.” They met when she was trying to get into Wayne Enterprises. His first name was Damian and he knew the tour guide…

She tuned back into her classmates’ conversation.

“Anyway, Damian and I went and got ice cream last afternoon. That’s why I was gone, you see. He would have walked me back, but we would have attracted a crowd. Plus he got a little chocolate ice cream on his shirt, he’s so messy.”

Marinette closed her eyes. Rage is hot and fiery, her nails dug into her palms.

Calling Lila out does nothing.

But she couldn’t help but remember Damian telling her that chocolate ice cream was among his least favorites when they went to get ice cream yesterday.

And he isn’t messy.

oooOOOooo

Marinette found the museum interesting. It gave her some anxiety, learning about everything villains did to the city was nerve-wracking.

She wondered if there would ever be a Paris Museum for Akuma.

It also gave her some ideas. Learning about the Gotham Hero’s greatest feats and how they accomplished them was eye-opening.

She was doing this whole battling-Hawkmoth-thing wrong! Instead of a case by case akuma battle, which are much less frequent nowadays, she should partner with the police! There were cameras all over Paris and, unlike Kwami, corrupted butterflies appeared on them. Hawkmoth may only be attacking around once a month now, but he still needed to own up to the terror he reigned on Paris and the world.

Marinette felt a little stupid for not realizing all of this before, she realized as she whispered her ideas to Tikki in the bathroom. She could have ended it sooner if she thought to get investigative about her enemy.

But as interesting and terrifying as the museum was, the trip only took the morning. By lunch, her classmates were waiting for the teachers to decide who to take where, as no restaurant had enough room for all of them.

She pulled out her phone and opened her text chat with Damian.

Angel: Kill me now

Damian: What’s wrong?

Angel: We have to all get lunch as a class before I’m free Angel: I’m in the group with Liar Rossi Angel: Death would be sweatier

Marinette mumbled a curse under her breath. She meant sweeter! Stupid autocorrect.

Damian: *sweeter

Angel: Rude

Damian: Anyway Damian: You can’t die yet Damian: We still technically didn’t get ice cream

She managed to smile. Damian made her do that a lot now that she thought about…

Her phone pinged again.

Damian: Also you’re at the Gotham City Heroes and Villains Museum right?

Angel: Yes I am

Damian: I’m nearby

Marinette’s eyes widened. What?

Damian: I can pick you up for lunch

Angel: OMG really? Please do I’d really really like that

Damian: omw

She looked up, seeing that her teachers were still discussing. She walked up to them, waiting until they saw her.

Ms. Bustier did first. “Marinette! What did you need?”

“My friend invited me to eat lunch with him,” she looked at Professor Mendeleiev as she spoke, not Ms. Bustier. “May I go?”

“After what happened yesterday? I don’t thi-” Ms. Bustier was cut off by Professor Mendeleiev.

“Is this the friend you were at the station with?” she asked, voice sharp. Marinette nodded.

Professor Mendeleiev hummed, contemplating. Ms. Bustier gaped at her. “You can’t be considering allowing her to go!” she said, “Not after how mad you got at me-”

“Caline, I got mad at you for forgetting her. Allowing her to go is not the same thing,” Professor Mendeleiev glared at her, “We’re allowing you to go on your own after lunch anyway, as long as everyone has a buddy. Finding you a buddy in this class, however, is likely going to be difficult…”

She trailed off before digging into her bag. “We got trackers for this free afternoon, though we couldn’t afford them for everyone,” she brought out a black bracelet that looked plastic. “This will only give me your general location. We will still have enough for everyone else as long as they’re in pairs. If you take one, I will allow you to go to lunch and such with your friend.”

Ms. Bustier’s brows furrowed. “You’re giving her special treatment? But-”

“Caline, you forgot her twice,” Professor Mendeleiev sounded patient, as if she were an adult talking to a toddler. “Marinette earned this and she will be with a friend from Gotham, something nobody else in this class truly has besides her.”

“This is my class,” Ms. Bustier was beginning to fume. “You accompanied because two teachers were needed, but these are my students-”

“Caline,” Professor Mendeleiev sounded more annoyed. “I am allowing her to go. Since I’ve been teaching for longer and because you told me to hand out the tracking bracelets, my decision overrules yours. Your argument is pointless.”

Marinette stared as Ms. Bustier tried to find words to retaliate with and failed. She took the bracelet from Professor Mendeleiev and thanked her.

It felt nice to have someone stand up for her again.

In the corner of her eye, Marinette noticed Alya walk toward the teachers and her. She looked angry and upset, a face she nowadays wore often around Marinette.

She remembered what she thought last night, about Alya’s betrayal. How it hurt remembering the good times they shared. Marinette took a deep breath.

It still hurt. It still hurt remembering the good times they had as friends, but she had to be fair to herself. She had to remember the bad times too.

She had to remember the times Alya demanded every detail, said friends tell each other everything. She had to remember the times Alya pressured her into things she wasn’t comfortable doing. She had to remember the times Alya took her for granted, the time Alya decided she wasn’t worth as much as a liar.

She has to remember what Alya is doing to her now.

“Where is the liar going now?” Alya scoffed. “Getting permission to run away this time?”

Marinette rolled her eyes and slipped the bracelet on. She would be okay. Alya wasn’t her friend anymore, she had better ones to look out for her.

“I don’t owe you anything.”

Alya gaped.

Luckily for Marinette, Alya didn’t have time to think of a response. A car drove up, and Marinette saw Damian wave to her from the backseat. She smiled.

The door was unlocked, so she opened it and got in. She didn’t look back at her classmates faces as the driver, an aged man in a suit, drove away.

“Where would you like to eat, Angel?” Damian asked.

Marinette shrugged. “I’m not sure, I don’t know what’s here.”

Damian frowned. “Angel, you okay?”

That’s when her previous realization hit. He was Damian Wayne, son of Bruce Wayne. He was one of the celebrities Lila liked lying about the most. And he was her friend, currently best friend.

“I’m okay,” she mumbled. “I’ve got a lot on my mind right now.”

Damian looked like he wanted to press the issue, but decided against it. He told his butler to take them to a restaurant she didn’t recognize the name of while she took deep breaths. She felt Tikki press gently against her hip, trying to reassure her.

Alya was a bad friend. Marinette wanted to be a better friend to Damian. He already made her so happy! Warm fuzzies and smiled and giggles were rare in the last few years, but she experienced them all with Damian. He kept a secret from her, likely for his own reasons, and she found out what it was behind his back.

Damian deserved better than that.

“I know,” she blurted out. “I know you’re Damian Wayne. I just want you to know that doesn’t change anything. You’re still my friend, and I don’t care who your dad is and who you are.”

Damian gaped at her for a moment before shaking his head. “I’m sorry you had to find out on your own. I should have told you-”

Marinette interrupted, “you didn’t have to. You don’t owe me that.”

He looked confused. She chose to elaborate.

“As a stranger or even a friend, you don’t owe me any details about who you are. Ever,” Marinette told him. “You’re allowed to keep secrets and not tell me things you aren’t comfortable sharing. It isn’t fair of me to demand you tell me everything.”

She was going to be the friend she needed to Damian. It was the least he deserved.

Marinette pushed down any disappointment that came with the word friend, not knowing why it was there. Maybe it was left over from her classmates’ treatment of her.

Damian was staring at her. She wasn’t sure what his expression meant, but it looked… Awed?

“Thank you,” he said earnestly. “I… nobody’s ever said secrets are okay…”

Marinette shrugged. “I can’t help if I feel left out, but forcing you to tell me everything isn’t how friendship is supposed to work. If you don’t want to tell me, it’s okay.”

Damian’s smile was small, but it made Marinette feel warm. Was he the sun?

“Perhaps instead of a restaurant, I can take you both to the mansion for your lunch?” the driver said, his accent different from Marinette’s.

“You sure Alfred?” Damian asked.

She saw his nervousness. “You don’t have to if you aren’t comforta-”

“No, it’s not that,” he assured. “My brothers can be… rambunctious.”

Oh. Marinette smiled. “I can handle them if that’s the only reason you’re nervous.”

Damian thought for a moment before sighing. “Alfred, please talk us to the mansion.”

“My pleasure, Master Damian.”

[bigskydreaming]

Can we just talk about all the age reversal aus where Robin is still a thing before Dick comes around??? It makes no sense!!!! Ik you’ve done a post on the importance of Robin before and it just really ticks me off!!! Like, if Damian is the oldest, why would he go by a bird name when he works with Batman? It would make more sense to be like ‘Shadow’ or ‘Shriken’ or just plain ‘Batkid’ but all these authors use the name Robin and then show Jason being resentful when Dick takes it over. Just wtf?

Tbh, I don’t have a ton to say on that particular subject other than I agree with you on it not making a lot of sense, because I just don’t really tend to read age reversal AUs anymore. They’re just not a premise that draws me in, y’know? I have issues with the way Dick’s status as the oldest brother tends to lead to him and his own problems being taken for granted at times, but the solution to that which I’m looking for is to have that addressed, not to have Dick just not be the oldest sibling anymore. I like Dick the way he is….I’m as fond of AUs as the next person, but ones that kinda alter the core of him just aren’t for me.

Like….how to put this…..from my perspective, I’ve noticed that outside of fics by authors who consider themselves Dick stans first and foremost out of all the characters, there’s three distinct tropes in the vast majority of fics where Dick plays a major role, and is regarded sympathetically rather than being in the way:

1) Fics about Tarantula, 2) Fics where Dick is a Talon and 3) Age Reversal AUs.

And the one common element in these tropes is they’re most commonly utilized while depicting Dick as particularly vulnerable, to the extent that he’s like….dependent on the other characters.

In the vast majority of Tarantula fics - majority, not all, there are exceptions of course - but the common thread is Dick tends to have very little agency in even the aftermath of what happened with Tarantula. He’s usually not granted the right of disclosure….people find out despite his wants there, and often despite his attempts to keep it from them (huge pet peeve just btw…..people, disclosure is a HUGELY big deal to survivors, because its one of THE single most powerful ways in which survivors take back control over their lives….they might not have control over what happened, but they can control who they tell about it and when. The tendency to write fics about survivors but displaying no real thought towards the fact that many survivors NEED agency over who they disclose to and when, is part of why I tend to rant about people kinda….commercializing this particular trauma even while saying they do so in the name of spreading awareness or healing or stuff like that….because they’re not actually like….thinking about things from the viewpoint of the survivor. In many instances, stealing a survivor’s right to disclose at the time and place of their choosing can be massively retraumatizing in its own way. And again, please don’t talk to me about how I’m generalizing or insisting there’s only one right way to write survivors…I know I’m generalizing, I’m talking about TRENDS, not specific fics, and I’m not saying its NEVER okay to write things this way, I’m simply commenting on how often things ONLY seem to be written this way).

But anyway, point is, a common theme throughout these fics is that despite Dick being central to them, its a story ABOUT him and what happened to him, rather than actually being HIS story. He himself has very little role in many of these stories, they’re more about what the others do to avenge him, or to take care of him, etc…..which is great in principle….I just can’t help but note the emphasis on him being dependent on others throughout it.

Which brings us to number two, fics where Dick is a Talon…..I’ve talked before how I just kinda can’t, and back out of fics where Dick remains a Talon or altered by the Talon process, because I think most people do that as kind of a metaphor for a disability and finding ways to live with a disability, but to me it will always read as body horror, because this isn’t so much Dick being disabled as it is him being altered head to toe in very deliberate ways by his abusers with the intention of making him something other than he is, and something he never ever chooses or wants to be. And the fact that there’s no need to write stories with disability metaphors, you can just write a character having a disability, so it always kinda feels unnecessary to me, personally, and an inherent tragedy because this was DONE to Dick, and thus is a permanent reminder of his abuse at the hands of his abusers….which is not inherently the same thing as adjusting to life with a disability, though there can be overlap, obviously.

But the other tendency of the Talon Dick trope is how often this results in him being mentally altered. And not just in a brainwashed kind of way, as many of these fics have him raised as a Talon since his parents died and then rescued by the Batfam….but his entire mentality, personality and way of processing things and even speaking is altered….and the thing that bugs me about this is…..why? Why is this choice so prevalent in these fics, when there’s literally nothing innate about the Talons in canon that says the Talon process mentally changes their minds and personalities in this kind of way? Most of the Talons we see don’t speak….because they’re intended to be seen as mindless minions, a force of nature rather than people….its meant to add to their mystique, their threat, their legend….largely on orders of the Court, who thrives on those kind of things. But who is the Talon we see the most of in canon, the Talon that we’re specifically told time and time again the Court means Dick to replace, be the heir of? William Cobb. 

And William is nothing like the way Dick is depicted in most Talon fics. He’s the same as he was before he was changed, just with the changes to his biology now. Mentally and personality-wise, he’s still the same as he was before it. And even in the recent Nightwing comic where Ric was finally brainwashed into being the Talon the Court has been manipulating him towards becoming throughout this storyline…..obviously, the Talon process hadn’t occurred yet, but even with the brainwashing, Ric mentally was still himself in the sense that he could process things, make decisions, speak all just the same as he did before he put on the brainwashing goggles….he didn’t speak most of the time because again, Talons are meant by the Court to be mostly silent enigmas….but when pressed, he was absolutely still capable of it, the same as before.

So again, the question is….why this particular choice, with this trope? To have Dick so radically altered not just in body, and with the emphasis rarely even placed on his bodily changes, as usually they come up with some tech disguise for him or use makeup to make him appear the same as he usually does, at which point his changes aren’t mentioned all that much other than to display his healing factor. No, the emphasis by and large is to how different he is mentally….even though there’s literally nothing about the Talon the Court wants him to be in canon, which dictates that he has to be in any way mentally altered by the process of becoming one. It isn’t his mental faculties the Court has a problem with, its his morals. No other brainwashing or mental conditioning method in comics or fics places such a strong emphasis on limiting the person’s mental capabilities rather than just altering their morality and way of thinking…so why is it different here, with Dick’s stories? And the only common result I can ever find is that it diminishes Dick’s autonomy and makes him vulnerable in a specific way where he’s dependent on the others to a huge degree, due to being less socially capable or even just mentally capable on his own.

And then finally we have the reverse ages AUs, in which Dick is still himself as he was as a young Robin in canon…..just the baby of the family, doted on and protected by his family, who are all fiercely defensive of him and in many of these stories, drop everything to rush to his aid when he’s in danger and rescue him. Which again, is perfectly fine in theory, but the thing this raises for me is…..how distinct this is from Dick’s actual time as Robin, where the actual emphasis was on how capable he was despite his young age, how autonomous and independent and competent even when face to face with villains twice his size and three times his age. 

Situations like with Two-Face were the exception in his stories, not the norm…..much like the later Robins, like Jason before his death, Tim for over a decade in comics, Damian to this day….all roughly the same age Dick is in these reverse Robin AUs…..but when has Damian ever been depicted as that vulnerable and in need of his siblings’ protection, in canon? When was Tim? And in Dick’s own time as Robin when he was actually that age in canon…..how would he have ever lasted as Robin without all these older siblings in canon, let alone managed to become the inspiration for entire generations of other child heroes….if he weren’t as capable of protecting himself as he was…in actual canon?

Again, the focus of the premise, like with the other two tropes, often seems geared towards emphasizing a vulnerability that is kinda just…chosen for Dick, rather than being an inevitability of that trope, and results in him being particularly dependent on the rest of his family.

Understand, I’m not saying this to say oh these fics are all bad and shouldn’t exist, lol, I’m just expressing the common element through all of them that’s why they don’t appeal to me in particular - because as I’ve always emphasized in pretty much all my posts, one of the greatest appeals to me about Dick Grayson, and one of the things I love about him most, is his fierce independence, his commitment to being his own person and standing on his own two feet. And its why I have an issue with the common thread of infantilization that runs through a lot of the fanon tropes that treat him as though he’s incapable of feeding himself, clothing himself, or even cleaning up after himself or conducting himself in public without the help of others.

Because my issue isn’t that these things exist, its that I’m always going to want to know WHY.

Why, when Dick’s core characterization has always revolved around his insistence on his own personal agency and autonomy…..do so many stories revolve around…..denying him this, or stripping it away?

Why is it that he’s most appealing to many people when he’s not just dependent on his family, but forced to be dependent by the very premise of a story, with no choice or alternative in the matter?

What makes that such a common trend, and with his character in specific, as opposed to Jason, Tim, Damian, etc….none of whom display similar trends in their stories or most prevalent tropes?

[asherlockstudy]

I get that interview was HBO forced but it sounds insane when last season, he was saying Jaime needed to get away from her for good. I mean no nice post about Gwen after the last ep. I dont believe it was about not wanting to stir the hornet's nest if him and B didnt get together as he posted a huge loving one about Lena and that was a very controversial part of the plot. If hed know posted a gwen one saying"sorry JB didnt get a happy ending but here's me and Gwen in happier times" i dont get it

I think it’s very weird too…Imma analyze it. Not that I’m gonna reach any solid conclusion but I will just lay out all my thoughts.

Whatever the reason Nik doesn’t post or reply publicly to Gwen is, it has nothing to do with his personal preference for Braime or Jaime x Cersei. Even if we make the insane assumption that Nik appreciated that Jaime dumped Brienne to return to murderous Cersei and die with her without serving any purpose in the main plot (what lead actor of 8+ years would ever like being unimportant in the ending plot) and saw “pOeTRy” in it, it still doesn’t explain why he should prefer posting about Lena over Gwen. We would be naive to think he made a post about Lena and not Gwen because he prefers Cersei to Brienne. So, we still have no clear evidence of what Nik’s private thoughts and feelings are for his character after the ending. 

Here’s what we have: 

We have two interviews: one with HBO rofl and one with that journalist who collaborates with HBO and was an insider (I’m not gonna search his name) in which he stans Jaime’s choices, his love for Cersei and the tragic poetry in it all. Then we have him promoting the episodes and the documentary in his instagram and twitter, however he is entirely emotionally detached from his character and his fate. I would say he lowkey looks entertained in his weird af episode promo videos and secretly amused while filming the “thank you” video after the last episode where he says “Come on, it was great” and suggests a petition for an Arya (huh?) sequel.

We have two videos uploaded on yt with him: one is a video of a stalker in which Nik looks uncomfortable and passes the question to the random guy next to him who apparently happens to be a GOT fan, have an elaborate opinion on the last season, hate D&D and think they threw away Jaime’s beautiful character arc. What are the odds…The second is a skit in Jimmy Kimmel in which Nik drags his own character by making him stupid and clumsy, a sad little being because of his maiming and, most importantly, an unrepentant sister fucker. All of Jaime’s worst qualities displayed for laughs, plus that he’s actually a likeable but very stupid person. The skit ends with a dragon randomly burning him and his family alive and those credits

So, we have straightforward criticism towards D&D by Kimmel and NCW actually participates in it. This is what this skit means - that this level of writing, this kind of lame character and that ludicrous death is something that only Benioff and Weiss would like to produce. And, well, the Olsen sisters (although I think they’re cleverer than that). 

So, we have two videos where NCW’s intentions are dubious AT BEST. 

Then we have all the promos. When left to speak on his own, Nikolaj would say how the ending was beautiful and made sense and he once mentioned he sent a letter to thank them for this genius plot…Right. But then when asked or caught off guard (1:04): 

Nobody tries to sugarcoat it, look at the title of the video: … NCW is ‘happy’.  Then of course we have our Lady and Saviour Gwen who tries not to laugh as Nik struggles to find what to say and not just stand up and flee.

Also, this one. The best one: 

I could make a thousand gifs for this but just watch again the entire video:

0:07 - Gwen’s face when Nik says he thought the script was fantastic

1:13 - “N-no..NO!!!” when asked if he would change something in the ending and Gwen’s reaction to that. Then, our leader Gwen proceeds to mock him: “So, it’s an immaculate- It’s immaculate?” to which Nik impulsively replies: “NO!” and goes on “do you ever read a book and think you want to rewrite this?” which implies, that yes he would want to rewrite it but knows he can’t. 

(3:03 - 3:06) - VERY IMPORTANT ONE. When Gwen wondered who was closer to predicting the actual ending, Nik says “I was, yeah” and OMG look at Gwen’s face. It’s very subtle but she’s trying to communicate with her eyes a “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT” to him without being seen by the interviewer. It’s kind of a wife done with her husband’s shit look tbh, that level of subtlety. And Nik answers back with his eyes in equal subtlety and it’s like he says a “What? I truly was right lol….”. To me, this seems to mean that Nik always knew or feared that D&D would eventually destroy all his work and was eventually proven right. Unless this all is about Dany being killed by Jon but I doubt at this point Nik and Gwen cared enough to go all cryptic and eye communicating for this. No, it was about them. 

3:09 - Nik is surprised and then clearly amused at the information by the interviewer that Kit was the one who came closer with his prediction. He can’t hide his smile and says an ironic “good for him” while looking knowingly at Gwen who then says this must be a lie. This shows that it is known amongst the actors that most of them are disappointed and Kit was one of them. Both Nik and Gwen apparently knew Kit hated his ending too and would never expect this to be how the show would wrap up. BTW that writing and that backlash really got to Kit, I hope he recovers soon. But think about this, Kit went into rehab for stress and alcohol, Emilia was devastated and gave a somewhat concerning interview and Nik’s public behaviour regarding GOT is inconsistent and unpredictable. I am thus assuming the writing of the final season and the backlash fucked them up way more than they let on. 

This interview is a gem but here’s the most important part, perhaps the core of what baffles us: 

1:32 - After all the miserable no-nos poor Nik mumbles, Gwen tells Nik what we all think: “I think it’s just a question, you know? Maybe you want to answer it?”

Of course he’s in a total loss for words. Literally, he doesn’t make any sense. Some incoherent sounds come out of his mouth and that’s it. This can mean two things: either he truly thinks the ending is perfect or the ending made him such a mess that he can’t even process it verbally two years later. 

Either Gwen is much braver and Nik is extemely paranoid or Nik actually has many more restrictions in what he is allowed to say. I believe Gwen wanted Nikolaj to be as open as her about it and she still tries to make him open up but he doesn’t. In all the promos without exception, Gwen looks as if she knows Nik is full of shit and secretly agrees with her. If Gwen knows that for a fact, then we can’t argue and it’s actually what makes sense anyway. Nikolaj agrees with Gwen but is not eager to discuss it openly yet, or ever. This could be because he is very professional or because he doesn’t want to get a bad name as a “backstabber” of his projects or it might be a situation of a more sensitive nature. 

If those rumours that the S8 script was changed are true, then Nik and Lena might have had a serious breakdown with D&D and a negotiation might have taken place. For instance, Nik and Lena were really unnecessary in E6, Nik’s scene in E1 could have been eliminated as well and Lena does not appear in E3. Yes, they are big actors but paying them 1,2 million for every episode seems a tad excessive when Emilia and Kit are now famous too and have like 300% times more screentime. All this is wild speculation but maybe they stretched their appearance in the episodes as much as possible and gave them a good amount of money to agree on the butchering of their characters and their importance as former lead actors. I mean, especially Lena was downgraded to a secondary character in this season. Lena had to really fight to see her salary rise in the previous seasons. And now it’s a million for every episode? Wow. How many minutes was she staring out of the window in S8? Maybe they were silenced and payed a shitload of money to stop complaining and promote the show and praise the writing as what it was supposed to be. Maybe they payed them in order to promote Peter, Kit and Emilia for the Emmys instead, who knows. When so much money is involved, things can get frustrating in ways we don’t even fathom. This is wild and rough speculation but all I’m saying is there may be reasons Nik avoids talking freely about his character that we can’t know. 

Besides, it’s not just a Gwen problem. It is not a Gwen problem. Gwen revealed she sent a “Jaime is a fuckboi” meme to Nik privately and he answered playfully as ever (but again as if he’s in denial). They posted a story together a couple of weeks ago. Nik did not just ignore Gwen’s instagram post. Daniel Portman posted the photo and tagged Nikolaj too. Nik ignored him as well. Bryan Cogman, who Nik and Gwen owe a lot to, commented under the photo in a very sweet and emotional way. Guess what, Nik ignored him too! It’s ridiculous to think Nikolaj has stopped communicating and caring about Gwen AND Daniel AND Bryan just because his character returned to Cersei. Furthermore, the fact that they all keep tagging him shows they don’t think their relationships with him have become tense. 

That’s not it. It’s not about Gwen. The only way that Gwen is involved in all this is that she wants Nikolaj to open up so that he would give a little acknowledgement to her character and the relationship with Jaime because she feels very much for Brienne. I’m sad to say, however, that it seems to me that Nik did not take that blow more lightly than Gwen. In fact, his behaviour is more inconsistent and troubling whereas Gwen’s openness about it made her confront that sore subject more healthily after all. I start believing Nik was actually way more devastated than Gwen. At least Brienne remained a decent character, ever faithful to her ideals, ever innerly strong. Jaime was entirely trashed, let alone that he was supposed to be a main character. If Nik can’t even handle a photo that reminds him of his destroyed character arc, I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe Gwen wants Nik to open up so much for his benefit as well - he keeps it bottled up and she might know first hand how that affects him.

Long story short, the reasons Nik doesn’t post anything about his feelings for Jaime’s character arc, his relationship with Brienne and his collaboration with Gwen probably are both professional, after begrudging deals and agreements and restrictions from HBO, and very personal, inner and private, as he’s still trying to cope with a disappointment that crushed down on him from what used to be his dream job and a role he hoped would be a (or the) peak of his career. I bet all these years Nik was hopeful Jaime would be extremely important and fully redeemed in the end but also extremely scared and anxious that the writers won’t give him what he hoped for and what made sense. Would I exaggerate if I said this should be the biggest professional disappointment he ever experienced, provided that he didn’t like the character’s ending? 

From everything Gwen has said about him, I have surmised that Nik is very emotional and anxious but with a very blasé and superficially amiable attitude. He avoids expessing emotion in real life which is why he might be dissociating a lot lately. He tries to distance himself from that part of Jaime’s character that involved Bryan and Gwen because this is the part that he loved and lost. Honestly, I can’t think of any other logical reason he ignored Gwen, Dan and Bryan one after the other and never made a post about his own character specifically or his good times with Gwen. It’s obviously not that he suddenly hates all of them to the point of not even replying. Even if HBO restricts him on what he can say in interviews for a while, there is no other explanation for this other than that D&D’s genius writing fucked him up emotionally as much as Emilia and Kit and he does not want to deal with it even though Gwen probably thinks it would be for the best if he did. 

Now after I wrote all this, imagine if Nikolaj actually doesn’t give a shit and is just happy going on with his life while I am here wasting time. But… I don’t think so. I will never not believe Nik didn’t love Jaime to pieces. He had big dreams for this role, I am sure of it. 

[bloodydamnit]

Hey! I really love Bloodsport and it's exciting to see a figure skating au, so first off, thank you so much for all your hard work writing and drawing it!!! The drawings are gorgeous btw. I was wondering what your fancasts for the skaters were since you mentioned Mikhail Kolyada for Andrew. I think you might have put it somewhere before??? but I can't seem to find it so I'd thought I'd ask. I was just watching his short program from the 2017 Cup of China, which is so amazing.

Hey hey hey! thank you so much!!!!!!! that means a lot to me! Bloodsport is literally my baby. I was just sitting and writing Cracker Dust, then quickly hopped back to BS to fucking write chapter 8. I’m pathetically in love with this world lol!!!! 

So my fancasts!!!! okay. So, I had a long post detailing why I chose the skaters to pair with the characters. Unfortunately, that was deleted when my account was. However, heres a short summary!

Mikhail Kolyada IS my Andrew as a skater. And omfg. His short program from the 2017 Cup of China is literally the EXACT REASON WHY I MADE THAT DECISION. I am literally making that Andrew’s short lol! For many reasons, which will become more clear as the fic goes on. 

Nathan Chen is my Neil - for many reasons. As a skater, he’s both impressive and inconsistent. You can see his growth from just this year, to the last. When he jumps he may have a wonky landing, but he fucking holds on. And that is very much how I see Neil. Pushing the boundaries and climbing in the ranks. He’s still very much a young skater and it shows. but I literally cannot find anyone more perfect to fit Neil than Nathan. Also, his program Nemesis is my fucking everything and it is Neil’s short. 

Yuzuru Hanyu is Riko - fucking obviously. I mean, I dont think there should be much explanation for that. He’s polished, he’s experienced, his technique is stunning, but he still has his slip ups. I know many dont think him and Nathan can compare, but I honestly think those that believe so are sorely mistaken. Nathan may be inconsistant, his artistry may lack, but their styles are VERY different and I’m sorry, but Nathan’s spins rival that of Patrick Chan’s imo. Anyway, back to Yuzuru. He’s also quite cocky lol. So I think in many ways, he’s perfect for Riko (in the sense of skating and on ice presence). 

Javier Fernandez as Kevin. What a fun fucking skater. I’m not saying that kevin isnt fun - but like. He’s not. However, I cant find anyone to fit Kevin better than Javier. At first, i was going to point him towards Evan Lysacek

Patrick Chan as Jean Moreau. I think it fits perfectly tbfh. Gorgeous skater, fluid, amazing presence, subdued, it fits. 

The shibsibs for dan and matt. I mean, I know they're siblings and obviously, because of that, their dances are different. However, they have an energy that i LOVE. Also I mean, come on.  

Karen Chen is my Renee. Small, spunky, subdued, out of this fucking world. She also choreographs a lot of her programs. 

Allison and Seth I’ve always had a hard time thinking of. If anyone has any ideas, let me know! For now, I have them as Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov but that is subject to change. I also want to find someone that would match Allison as a single skater very well. because in bloodsport, she was a single lady before she teamed with seth after an injury. So, any ideas shoot em at me!

Nicky is Adam Rippon - the entire reason why I even started this fucking fic, deadass. Like?! Do I need to explain?!?!?!?!???!? NO. I DONT. 

That’s all I have so far! OH I ALSO HAVE JEREMY AS KEEGAN MESSING! because come. the fuck. ON OF COURSE I DO. I still have to think of Alvarez and Laila, but yeah! Hope this helps and if anyone has suggestions, send em my way!