#aka we won’t get into the fear no one would buy my shit and it would fail 🤭

[onlyhereforangst]

seriously seriously considering starting a stickers etsy shop or something. like just random aesthetic-y drawings, quotes, stupid puns, vet/animal things, idk it just has been calling to me for YEARS and I always hesitate because I want it to be perfect before I kick something off

[anitosoul]

My Favorite Albums of 2020

5. Soccer Mommy, color theory

Favorite Tracks: circle the drain | bloodstream | yellow is the color of her eyes

In 2018, I graduated from college and got my first job. I was living in Oklahoma City working a 9-5 as a research technician, and despite staying in my home state close to my university and hometown, I was excited to be fully independent in a new city. I soon began experiencing feelings of early 20’s existentialism—the fear that, as a funny tweet I saw mentioned, we go to work, buy coffee, and listen to podcasts until we die.

Soccer Mommy’s record Clean was in heavy rotation for me back then, but it’s color theory that truly captures the muted monotony of living a life where you do everything you’re supposed to but nothing you wanted to. It’s an album that represents the postgrad paradox: being tossed into the rest of your “adult life” without any of the community, friends, or events that the university environment provides while still feeling adolescent, inexperienced, and directionless.

Most people do what they’re “supposed” to do, aka get a job and move to their own apartment. Outside of the 9-5, though, life can exist as a giant void that would have previously been filled with socializing, studying, or partying. Some people swing towards pure optimization, filling the void with exercise, cooking, or even overtime at work, consuming themselves with the only thing that gives their life any direction. Others swing the opposite way, watching hours of streaming content or gaming, ordering daily takeout, doing drugs, or attending regular happy hours with their coworkers, once again allowing all their personal time to be consumed by the thing that’s supposed to give their life purpose. The worst part of it all is that the emptiness of postgrad life is supposed to bring fulfillment; after all, we spend basically our entire lives going to school for the moment where we graduate, get a job, and become productive members of society. It’s no surprise that everyone feels a pressure to act like they have their shit together, whether that’s on an Instagram story or an unexpected run-in at the bar or the gym. For me, looking towards the future and thinking that my life would be 40 years of that was terrifying.

Sophie Allison, frontwoman of Soccer Mommy, said that the colors in the album are blue, yellow, and grey representing sadness, anxiety, sickness, loss, and mortality. color theory takes those feelings and packages them into an album that feels like a drawn-out look in the mirror, referenced directly on the excellent opening track, “bloodstream”:

There’s a pale girl staring in the mirror back at me Wish it were just a dream, wish I could go back to sleep Why am I so blue? Someone’s talking in my forehead that says I’ll never be like you Happiness is like a firefly on summer evenings Feel it slipping through my fingers, but I can’t catch it in my hands - Soccer Mommy, “bloodstream”

I had many similar days, waking up and staring at myself in my bathroom mirror, knowing I was fully alive but not really living. I did what I was supposed to! I graduated, got an apartment, got a job. Everything was fine, but why did I feel like everything was so pointless? Is this really what I spent the past decade working towards? The song “bloodstream” feels like a slow buildup, like wanting to scream at your boss—you know you won’t actually do it, but one more unnecessary meeting and you might lose it. The final 30 seconds of “bloodstream” devolves into a fuzzy 90’s-esque guitar meltdown, representing the unraveling of controlled frustration at the world and yourself.

The album continues with arguably my favorite track of the year, “circle the drain.” What Allison does exceptionally well is lyrically capturing inner feelings of dread while sonically capturing the feelings that external factors (whether that be society, family, or peers) tell you you’re “supposed” to feel. “circle the drain” is, on its surface, an upbeat, early 2000s-revival Avril Lavigne pop tune. The lyrics, though, couldn’t be more explicit about the struggle of keeping up appearances when your mental health is deteriorating:

Trying to seem strong for my love, for my family and friends, but I’m so tired of faking Cause I’m chained to my bed when they’re gone, watching TV alone til my body starts aching I think there’s mold in my brain, spreading down all the way through my heart and my body Cause I cling to the dark of my room, and the days thin me out, or just burn me straight through Things feel that low sometimes, even when everything is fine Hey I’ve been falling apart these days, split open, watching my heart go around and around Round and around, circle the drain, I’m going down - Soccer Mommy, “circle the drain”

The idea of being your own worst enemy is a theme explored heavily on color theory. I’m surrounded by people who love me and everything in my life is fine right now, so why do I still feel so terrible? The ever present self-doubt manifests itself in ways that seem unsolvable, and Allison doesn’t attempt to provide an answer. Instead, she expresses the different mirrors she uses to perceive herself: she does this most poignantly in the flipped fantasy of “royal screw up,” where she portrays herself as both the princess and dragon desperately seeking but endlessly denying a lover’s affirmations and support.

You are a mirror Say I’m the fairest of all …’Cause I’m only looking for my skewed reflection in you And I want an answer to all my problems There’s not an answer I am the problem for me now and always - Soccer Mommy, “royal screw up”

A full confrontation of this inner darkness is characterized in “lucy,” which in some ways, could be considered an acceptance of the inescapable despair that exists in all of us:

Succumbing to evil, I thought I could never be I look in the mirror and the darkness looks back at me I can’t help the feeling that irks me That I’m falling down from heaven through the earth To hellfire, to wear his crown - Soccer Mommy, “lucy”

This has been an idea that I’ve struggled with a lot and is why I love this album so much. When I think about the ways I’ve hurt people and acted in ways that I feel are misaligned with my views of myself, the easy way out has been to view the “me” in that moment as a monster, the previously referenced dragon that destroys itself and everyone around it. However, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am the dragon, accepting the pain I’ve caused as opposed to blaming it on an imagined alter ego, and committing to learning from past mistakes. color theory isn’t trying to make a prescriptive statement on mental health, overcoming problems, or becoming a better person. Allison portrays evil as ever present, always taunting us with doubt, and ultimately a part of us: it forces us to look into ourselves and stare into the eyes of the soul in the mirror, contemplating the multidimensionality that makes us human.

[panharmonium]

THAT is the importance of an adult who Understands.

one of the things that i always come back to when i think about sasuke is that sasuke has virtually everybody in the village fooled.  you couldn’t find a more messed up kid in all the hidden leaf if you tried, but you wouldn’t know it to look at him, because he can’t afford to acknowledge or display weakness - firstly, because weakness means he isn’t strong enough to take on itachi, and secondly, because signs of struggle on sasuke’s part might mean that an authority figure tries to involve themself in his life, and sasuke doesn’t want anyone interfering in something he sees as a personal quest.  he doesn’t see himself as a child who needs to be looked after by adults; he sees himself as an adult in a frustratingly small body, and he wants all the other adults to leave him alone and let him do what he needs to do.  he doesn’t want meddling.  he wants everyone who has the power to potentially keep him from getting what he most desires to remain oblivious to his true state of mind, to not look too closely, to never see a child in distress, because if he ever lets on that he doesn’t have his shit together, it’s possible that one of the leaf’s less negligent grown-ups will swoop down on him and start trying to intervene/“parent” him, which to sasuke’s mind just means “get in the way.”  

sasuke, who has long felt like he’s already an adult dealing with adult problems, won’t tolerate that.  so he masks his issues, to the point where he has virtually everyone around him completely deceived.  his regular schoolteachers don’t worry about him - he’s a high achiever, he gets perfect grades, he’s top of his class in everything, he doesn’t make trouble.  his classmates don’t worry about him - they buy the ‘i’m so cool, nothing fazes me’ act and worship at his feet, even as he demonstrates that he wants nothing to do with them.  the rest of the leaf village doesn’t worry about him, either - they see him as a source of village pride (and a source of entertainment/drama, like when they’re all so excited to watch The Last Uchiha fight for their nation during the chunin exams).  even though sasuke is so messed up on the inside, the exterior facade he presents to people is specifically designed to prevent any wondering about how he’s doing.  as far as the world can see, he’s doing Just Fine (and while everyone is busy not wondering about his health, he can get down to the business of getting his revenge).

sasuke’s strategy for relating to other people is, essentially, the opposite of naruto’s approach.  naruto, in his early childhood, draws as much attention to himself as possible, causing all sorts of mayhem, in the hope that someone, somewhere will see him.  he makes trouble and causes problems precisely because he desperately wants someone to acknowledge his pain, and that’s how he ends up landing iruka as an adult support figure, because iruka notices what’s happening and decides to get involved.  sasuke, in contrast to naruto, doesn’t want anyone to acknowledge or even notice his pain, because if they do notice it, they might try to stop him from pursuing what he thinks is the only way to alleviate it.  that’s not an acceptable outcome for him, so instead of making a scene and calling attention to himself, he hides in plain sight. 

sasuke doesn’t want people to get involved in his life.  he wants to be left to his own devices.  he doesn’t think he needs (read: deserves) anybody’s help, and some tiny part of him knows that a Responsible Adult might raise their eyebrows at what he’s doing to himself, so he uses his “high-achiever, too cool for school” persona to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes.  and he almost succeeds - until kakashi enters the picture.  kakashi, who can’t be fooled.  kakashi, who has known from Day One, Minute One exactly what goal is driving all of sasuke’s high achievement, and who knows that sasuke is NOT okay, in either the head or the heart.  kakashi, who in the above gifset can tell that sasuke is having a crisis without even turning around.  kakashi doesn’t need to be shown evidence before he gets concerned.  he’s known from the very start that sasuke is struggling, because he lived through similar pains and tried to cope with them in similarly unhealthy ways (remember: “useless things like emotions only get in the way”/“having too many ties in this world will only lead you astray” + “everyone you’re talking about has already been killed”/“they’re all dead...because i wasn’t strong enough to save them”).

sasuke still tries to put up the front.  a few scenes prior to the above gifset, sasuke is the one who is making fun of naruto for freezing up - you’re not hurt, are you...scaredy-cat.  and he completely fools his peers with his attitude - sakura’s got stars in her eyes, naruto’s super jealous; both of them think sasuke’s So Cool and Super Powerful and Not Afraid of Anything!

but when sasuke himself is confronted with a serious, imminent threat to his life (one against which his supposedly “advanced” skills are useless, one from which he can’t protect himself; aka, one where he’s suddenly reminded that he’s actually a twelve year-old genin and his safety is out of his control, just like it was the night his family was murdered), he’s the one who panics.  the other kids are scared, too - but sasuke completely loses it.  he almost kills himself to get away from the intensity of his fear.  *cough* it’s the ptsd *cough* but anyway -

kakashi is able to sense this without even turning around.  he’s preparing to fight an aggressor under the least ideal circumstances possible - they were supposed to be on a mission where it was four people protecting one man, but because tazuna lied to them, they’re now in a situation where it’s one man protecting four people, including three children - and even with all of that competing for his attention, kakashi is still focusing closely enough on each individual kid to sense that sasuke is going off the rails.  without even turning around, he knows.

we all remember this, right?

it doesn’t matter how much of an act sasuke puts on.  kakashi has been there.  he knows better.  he can’t be fooled.  he calls for sasuke by name and pulls him back from the brink.

kakashi interrupts this crisis so effectively.  not only is he able to snap sasuke out of his panic, but he’s also careful to then extend his reassurance to everyone present, accomplishing the dual purposes of calming everyone else down and also redirecting attention away from sasuke’s more extreme reaction, which the others haven’t noticed yet.  it’s deftly done.  it addresses sasuke’s crisis on an individual level without putting him in the spotlight.  it works.  the way sasuke relaxes in that last gif...man.

calm down.  i’ll protect you with my life.

i’ve already talked a little bit about how much it would mean for somebody with sasuke’s particular history to hear that (especially when those words are spoken by an adult who follows through on the promise every single time), but here i just want to focus on the fact that the only reason sasuke is lucky enough to receive this reassurance in the first place is because kakashi isn’t fooled by sasuke pretending he doesn’t need to hear it.  kakashi and the kids are very new to each other at this point, but even so, kakashi still understands sasuke better than any other adult in the hidden leaf.  he’s the first authority figure who sasuke hasn’t been able to trick into obliviousness - sasuke can’t pretend away his problems in front of someone who used to have all those same problems himself!  kakashi is too savvy to be waved away with the whole ‘i’m super advanced for my age i don’t need any help don’t look behind my mask’ charade.  kakashi invented that game.  he knows it’s one you don’t want to win.  he won it himself, when he played it, and winning just meant that everybody took him at his word when he acted like he was fine and nobody ever gave him the kind of help he needed.  he’s not going to let another kid get away with the same self-destructive shenanigans, not when he’s around to call their bluffs and be the kind of support structure he himself could’ve benefited from when he was younger.   

[ad1thi]

2020 fic recs!! [Part 2]

part 2 of my 2020 fic recs!! as before, ive limited this to five fics per month; and fics are ordered by the month they were published. This spans fandoms and ships, and hopefully you find something you like!! credit for the idea goes to @iam93percentstardust

***

July

this is the start: @capnwinghead

Clark and Bruce continue raising the Wayne children and encounter a number of challenges along the way.

great minds (love alike): @starklysteve

Steve’s eyes flicks down to Tony’s knees on the floor.

“Are you – are you proposing to me with my ring for you?” Steve asks incredulously, eyes wide and confused.

---

Or, Steve finds Tony’s ring for him, Tony finds Steve’s ring for him. Panic happens.

Marvels Unsolved: @iam93percentstardust

Marvels Unsolved was never supposed to be this popular. It started off as a novelty web-series about Tony trying to convince Bucky about the existence of the supernatural—he firmly believed that if science could turn Uncle Steve from an actual shrimp to the god of muscles, then magic had to be out there—and then they’d started talking about an unsolved crime from the early 20th century after filming an episode one day, forgetting that the camera was still rolling, and had ended up with enough footage to make a second episode about real crimes. They had stayed pretty unknown throughout that first season but then true crime podcasts had exploded in popularity and Unsolved along with them.

it’s a small world after all: @maguna-stxrk

“Great speech.”

Smiling at the compliment, Tony turns around. “Thank y—”

And nearly drops his champagne flute.

His world comes to a stop.

They had only spent a night together, but Tony would recognize those baby blues anywhere.

It’s Steve.

Steve from Tony’s London business trip. Or, as Rhodey has become accustomed to calling him—The Soulmate That Got Away.

you’re in my blood, you’re in my veins: @nethandrake

Tony always figured that if they ever were to break up, it would be like a blaze. Scorching and hot and all-too blinding. Intense like the two of them have always been.

Instead, they break up on a Tuesday, with the rain pelting the windowpane and the midnight silence stifling.

August

Five Times Danny said he’d marry Steve (plus one): @five-wow

Danny humphs. “Look, all I’m saying is, I think I’d probably have married you by now.”

“I’d marry you, too,” Steve says.

Or: An experiment in how many times you can say something before you have to put your money where your mouth is.

Family (You’ve Always Had It): @/SunnyQueen

A black Camaro and a scowling blond was not what Junior had been expecting.

“Hi, sir. You didn’t have to pick me up.”

The blond looked up from the screen on his phone and groaned, completely ignoring Junior's statement. “You are right, I didn't have to."

Ode To Yoga Pants: @riotfalling

OR the continued terrible mating dance of Bucky and Tony, AKA when betting on your friends stops being fun

Through The Years: @hawkbucks

Tony brings home Natasha one day, proclaiming her to be his new sister.

Natasha takes this all in stride.

The broken road that led me home to you: @just-fandomthings

A documented list of conversations between Steve and Danny via text and phone call following the events of 10x22 "Aloha." (Where, even thousands of miles apart, Steve and Danny can't go without talking to each other.)

September

someday, we’ll pass it on to you: @starklysteve

Steve smiles.

Reaching up, he flattens his hand against his son’s far smaller one, curling gently around it. “You wanna be like him?”

“Da!” Peter agrees again.

One year old, and you already know who’s the best of us, Steve pauses to reflect, all his fears chased away by a fierce pride. “Your Dad’s coming home real soon,” he promises, “you should tell him that.”

---------------

Or, five times Peter did the repulsor pose as a toddler

+ one time he used the repulsors as an adult

Classic Sci Fi: @notdoingsohot

Bucky wakes up to Steve telling him he's lost his memory, but not to panic, it'll only last a few days. Easier said than done when the last thing Bucky remembers is fighting Hydra with the Howlies in WWII.

He tries to make the most of it however, and there's this guy... Tony Stark. It's pretty clear the guy hates Bucky's guts, which is unfortunate because god damn is he a sight.

He tries to figure out what he did to wrong Stark, but everyone just tells him he doesn't want to know.

They were right.

Blooms in Frost: @/Diomedes

Tony coughs up his first petal on the sixth of July. He has been married to the love of his life for two years.

Bury a Hanahaki corpse in earth and it will beget the most beautiful garden. All that love, it is said, must go somewhere.

Hanahaki AU: Established relationship

------------------------------------------

A Single Thread of Gold: @lovelyirony

Rhodey doesn't believe in love at first sight or any of that cheesy shit. He just wants someone who is nice, dependable, and safe.

Tony Stark is Housing Service's little problem for the school year, and now he's stuck in Rhodey's room because he's exploded the last two dorm rooms he's been in and won't live off-campus.

high roller, place your bet: @machi-kun

“Would you kiss Stark for a hundred bucks?”

“I would pay a hundred bucks to kiss him.”

October

press my luck: @omg-just-peachy

But... Steve is almost ten years his junior, and he could be with just about anyone, looking and acting like he does. And then there’s the not so small fact of Tony’s name and net worth and the fact that, okay, Tony had paid for Steve’s grad school tuition, and now he’s worried Steve feels obligated to stay. Or something.

Or, Tony is a billionaire, Steve is a grad student, and they learn to let themselves be taken care of.

see it with the lights out: @starklysteve

Tony goes on a business trip, and he does not - not at all - get jealous of Dodger hogging his husband's chest, a territory otherwise known as Tony's pillow.

(or, Steve goes on an Instagram spree and Tony misses home)

adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street and getting hit by an airplane: @starkslovemail

It was a perfect plan, if Peter did say so himself.

The Buy In: @dracusfyre

For the ImagineTonyandBucky prompt: Mafia AU with Tony as the Boss (except he's a really good one, making the streets safe, keeping drugs away from kids etc) and Bucky as the detective sent to go undercover to catch him out but ends up realizing he's actually doing more good than harm and they end up falling in love

trinkets of your affection: @starklysteve

Kissed him once for every year I loved him, Steve had written.

By that count, Steve owes him five more kisses now.

Tony traces the words, hands trembling, and tips back a shot of Howard's ancient whiskey. None of it burns anymore.

One day, he'll have lived more days without Steve than there are words in the diary.

For the first time since he'd woken with shrapnel in his chest, Tony fears the future.

----------

Or, five things Tony keeps to remember Steve by, and one thing Steve gives him to remember.

November

“Hey Tony”: @riotfalling

Steve points out that Bucky never calls Tony by his actual name. Bucky doesn’t believe him, until he does.

Remembering You is Hard to Do: @lovelyirony

“The future’s crazy, honey-bear.”

Jim looks up.

“Why do you call me that?”

“Call you what?”

“Honey-bear. It’s weird.”

“Inside joke we have,” Tony says, chest tightening. “We thought those couples that have the lovey-dovey nicknames were ridiculous.”

overheard your heartbeat (calling me yours): @starklysteve

"Tony - "

"I wish I could promise to come home this time," he feels the armor crawl back down his arm, continuing unnoticed over Steve's red gloves, then up the blue uniform as Tony fights to keep Steve's gaze firmly fixed on him.

The last eyes Tony might get to see, and he wants to be lost in them.

In the end, his entire life boils down a few simple things: "JARVIS, take care of him for me."

----------

Or, Tony overhears a phonecall where Steve proposes, a battle happens, and a paper ring settles some misunderstandings.

i (really, really, really, really, really, really) like you.: @nethandrake

For as long as Steve can remember, he's been crushing on Tony Stark. The thing is, he's pretty sure Tony doesn't know Steve exists. And how could he? Steve's scrawny and little. He's a nobody compared to Tony who's Mr Popular and the son of a billionaire.

Or at least he thought so until Tony swings by the bakery Steve's mother happens to own to enlist Steve's help in finding the perfect Valentine's Day card.

The perfect Valentine's Day card for someone who isn't Steve.

One Song (My Heart Keeps Singing): @iam93percentstardust

When Thor is old enough to understand what a Heartsong is, he goes to his mother to ask her why he can’t understand the language his is in. He listens as she tells him about the first soulmates who couldn't understand their Heartsong until the day they meet, excited by the thought of a grand adventure, one that will take him across the cosmos in search of his One.

He’ll search all the Nine Realms if he has to.

December

Swiping Right: @s-horne

“Ouch. Definitely a hard pass for that one?”

Steve startled at the sudden comment from the row of chairs behind him and turned around. He’d been passing the time in the airport lounge by swiping through Tinder and had gotten lost in his own world. It was almost jarring to be pulled away from the screen of hot men and back into reality where the PA was screeching and there was noise everywhere.

Adjusting to the difference, Steve frowned. Wait, he knew that face. Oh, shit… he knew that face.

“No, no, it’s fine,” the man said before Steve could get out anything other than an embarrassed sort of yelp. Waving his hand through the air, the stranger smiled ruefully. “I get it. It’s the beard, isn’t it? True be told, it was a weird winter choice that year and I knew it would come back to hurt me.”

Steve didn’t know what to say. He knew it must have shown on his face and could feel himself flushing, panicked and embarrassed all at once. What were the odds of swiping left on someone literally sat behind him?

set your flight path home (to me): @starklysteve 

Tony puts down his welding torch. “I’m building you a plane.”

Stepping carefully over the gears and tools scattered about, Rhodey slowly makes his way to him.

“And when did you become an expert on how to build a plane?”

“Last night,” Tony grins.

---------------

Tony builds a plane, and Rhodey teaches Tony how to fly it. Or he would be teaching Tony, if Tony didn't distract him so much.

I Want A Man With A Slow Hand: @thefourofswords

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked on their way to a crime scene, because no time like the present, and Danny believed in ripping off band-aids.

“Why not?” Steve replied, eyes on the road. “You’re gonna even if I say no.”

“What do you like in bed?”

*

Danny undertakes a very important mission to get Steve laid. For his health. Ahem.

same time next year: @omg-just-peachy

“I forgot to ask. When’s your flight home?” Steve asks, draping his arm over Tony’s shoulder and settling in against him.

Tony ignores the knot that forms in his chest at the idea of it, leaving Steve again for his own impersonal apartment, his piles of books and projects and the nights without sleep.

“Day after tomorrow.”

Steve huffs a little sigh, then brings his lips to Tony’s neck. “Well, we’ll have to make the most of it, won’t we?”

Or, four (4) Christmases with two (2) idiots who can't admit they're in love.

rearrange my heart (to fit your smile): @starklysteve

"You dare," Howard's chair makes an ugly noise as it scrapes against the stone floors, the chatter of the room shifting into hushed whispers and stolen glances. "I am your father and your King!"

"My King is my husband," Tony tips his chin up, defiant. "And I refuse to hear you suggest that my husband has been anything other than good to me."

Next to him, he feels Steve's shoulders stiffen in surprise.

Howard's fist slams loud on the table. "Your husband does not even love you!"

Tony jerks back, burned. He knows that. Knows that Steve did not marry him for love – does not need any reminder of the cold truth, of what he desperately yearns for and can't even hope to have – but the harshness of Howard's words was scalding, and Tony can't afford for this to go any further.

----------

Or, King Steven marries Prince Tony, Tony is pretty sure he shouldn't panic when he falls in love with his own husband, and Steve tries his very best not to cause diplomatic crises.

Keyword: try

[a-pretty-nerd]

Best Boi Soup

A/N: So it's @trickkombowerskru 's birthday today, aka, my Tumblr wife. We met almost four years ago on this app and we've talked everyday ever since. I am very fortunate to have such a sweet and fun-loving friend to nerd out with everyday, I truly can't imagine life without her. Shes so very talented and smart and she always makes me laugh. So for her 22nd birthday I asked her what she'd like me to write for her and she said, "whatever you want" which might be a mistake lol. So I present to you Best Boi Soup.

A headcannon, blurb, list of the best bois we simp for. I hope you enjoy! Love you, bitch!

Trick

Beginning:

You met Trick while working at a convince store in the rundown town you'd spent your whole life in.

He came in almost every shift you worked to buy a drink, a snack, and a pack of cigarettes.

Everyday he came in, and everyday you wrang him up. He was one of the many regulars you had. You saw him walk in, you greeted each other with a friendly smile and you'd turn around to grab his usual before turning back to the register to ring him up.

"Uh, not today. Thanks though." He shook his head and pushed the pack away from him. You raised your brow.

"Really?" You asked, a little surprised.

"Yeah."

"Okay. Are you vaping now?" You started the small talk. Another part of your routine.

"No. Just, trying to quit." He flashed an awkward smile your way as he handed you the cash.

"Wow, good luck with that." You smiled back.

"Thanks."

"Receipt?"

"No. Thanks. See ya."

"Yeah. See ya." And with that he sauntered out of the store and onto the grey street. Either headed home or to work.

"That Trick?" Your manager asked as he shuffled in from the back office.

"Yeah."

"How's he doing?"

"He seems alright. He's quiting smoking."

"Oh really? Good for him." The old slob mumbled between his teeth as he chewed on a toothpick.

As time went on, your exchanges gradually shifted from friendly to borderline flirty. And you notice his purchasing habits begin to change. He starts brining healthier drinks to the counter, fruits and vegetables as snacks, a sandwich if he's hungry. You tease him for it at first, but he brushes you off with a playful smile.

One day your manager watches your playful exchange as he leans against the old counter. A sly smirk spreads across his face.

"That boy likes you, yknow." He says with a mischievous smile.

"Quit bullying me." You reply, still in a playful and joking tone.

"He only comes in here for you." He tells you.

"No he doesn't." You argue, crossing your arms.

"I've never seen him here when you aren't is all I'm sayin'." The old man chuckled as he raised his hands in defense.

"You're pulling my leg, leave me alone." And with that he had planted a terrible, terrible idea into your head.

Of course you had a crush on Trick. You always thought he was cute but as time went on the butterflies went away and you became good acquaintances, friends maybe. Just friends, right?

Oh no. The butterflies. They're back. Shit.

The next time you saw him, they ravaged your body. Making your knees weak and your cheeks burn. Your heart and raced and you started to sweat. Shit. Be cool. Be cool. Just be normal. This is normal.

"Hey, Y/N." He smiled as he placed his purchase on the counter.

"Hey. How's it going?" You asked, hoping he didn't notice your insuing panic.

"Nothing much. Um...well...actually..." was he blushing? "Y'know Todd?" Todd was a mutual friend of yours. You and Todd went to high school together. Todd and Trick worked together. He was another young adult trapped in that dead end town.

"Yeah."

"So he's having a party tomorrow night at his new place and he wanted me to invite you."

"Todd wanted you to invite me?"

"Yeah, I was thinking I could pick you up? Around 5?" You hissed through your teeth.

"Actually I work-"

"She can go!" Your manager shouted, poking his head out from his office. "She can go." You turned back to Trick with a smile.

"So 5?" You asked.

"5."

Middle:

Dating Trick, or Ryan as you now know, was easy. He was easy to be around, fun-loving, and sweet. He was thoughtful and caring in ways you'd never experienced before. He made you feel safe and happy.

He still stopped by your work everyday to brighten up your day and give you a sweet peck on the lips before heading back to work.

Things were good, until a little over a year into your relationship. You met his Dad.

You knew about Trick's abusive father. He's the reason some dates were cut short. The reason Ryan had to spend the night at your apartment so often in fear of going home. He tried to save up enough to move out, in fact you were in the process of saving so you could move in together.

You watched a man you hadn't recognized walk into the store one day. He was clearly a junky, which, wasn't abnormal there were plenty around here. But unlike the others, he made aggre eye contact. He shuffled around the store, browsing.

At first you thought he was just going to steal, which you usually didn't pay any mind to. It wasn't your job. But soon he came up to the counter with beer and candy. You asked to see his ID, which was mandatory.

"Do I look underage to you!?" The man spat.

"No sir, it's just I can't sell it to you without ID. The register won't let me-"

"Goddammit. Fine." He mumbled as he reached into his pocket and gave you the card. You scanned his ID and continued checking him out. "You're Ryan's girl, ain't ya." You froze. Before you could speak, he interrupted you again. "Little shit thought he could hide you from me." He smiled a rotten toothed grin. He made you sick to your stomach.

All the pain, the trauma, the torture he put Ryan through. It all added up to this weak, distorted, junky. A bizarre idea of a person. You watched him take his receipt and leave without another word.

You didn't want to worry Ryan, so you decided not to tell him about his father's visit. But he just kept showing up to harass you. Sometimes he'd ask how Ryan was doing when he'd stay the night with you. Sometimes he'd comment on your body, try and flirt even. Giving a disgusting laugh when you didn't respond.

"He said he saw you today." Ryan said, hanging his head low as he watched you get into his van.

"Who said?" You asked, not thinking of it at first.

"My dad." You paused. "He said he's been...visiting you at work latley." He was visibly shaken.

"Are you okay?"

"Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

"I didn't want to worry you. I'm fine, really. He hasn't done anything..." you tried to brush it off.

"Just because he hasn't, doesn't mean he won't." You watched him, his wild eyes looking out the windshield.

"Well then...what do you wanna do?"

Happily Ever After:

"Let's run away." He whispered softly against your forehead before leaving sweet kisses against the skin. Your bodies resting skin to skin against each other as you laid in your bed.

"What?" You giggled, pulling back to look up at him. He wore a sweet and confident smile for you.

"Let's run away together. Just you and me." He squeezed you tighter against him.

"Where would we go?"

"Anywhere. Just take me away from here." He begged as he left gentle kisses against your temple.

"What about work? What about moving in together?"

"We'll find other jobs. We'll take our money and run. Live in my van until we find a place."

"I thought that van was your dad's."

"We'll steal it."

"And what if the cops come after us?"

"He's too chicken shit to call the cops."

"You really wanna run away together?"

"With every fiber of my being."

Klaus

Beginning:

You met Klaus in rehab.

You were there for ...reasons. And Klaus was there for ...reasons...

Klaus was attractive, free flowing, free thinking, wild and fun. Everything you wanted and more. It's only natural that you were attracted to him so that hook up in rehab was only inevitable.

It was no surprise that it got him transferred thought. So you pouted about never seeing the best sex of your life ever again and went on with your life.

You struggled, as everyone in rehab does but you were lucky in that you made a good recovery. You worked hard to help yourself get out of your sticky situation and move on to bigger and better things.

That was, until you saw him again.

There he was, sitting there at the breakfast bar where you worked.

"Hey stranger." You mused as you filled his cup of coffee. Klaus's big green eyes looked up at you.

"Hhheyyyy..." He smiled up at you with a confused brow. You chuckled at him, taking his order and walking away. He looked up at you such sweet adoring eyes everytime you came by. "Hey." He grabbed your wrist to get your attention. His eyes searching yours for answers. "Do I know you. You seem familiar." You laughed at him.

"Rehab. Four years ago. Y/N, Y/L/N." He let out a high pitched laugh and a cheerful huff.

"That's right! We-uh-um-yknow." His fingers pointed back and forth in a funny suggestion. You giggled with him and nodded.

"Yes, 'we-uh-um-yknowed'. It got you kicked out, remember?You joked.

"Wow! Hah! It's uh. It's good to see you. You look...well you look, g-good."

"Thank you. So do you."

"Well, hah, I try." You shared a few laughs back and forth ending with you giving Klaus your number.

Middle:

Dating Klaus was...strange. Just as strange as him.

Sometimes he'd disappear months on end, only sometimes leaving a "I'll be gone, love you" note or text. But you felt content with Klaus.

When he was around he shrouded you in love and affection. He appreciates your patience with him and his traumas. His PTSD coming and going as it pleases.

He's there for you when things get rough, and you're there for him. Unconditionally and truly.

He's hopelessly in love with you, terrified that his family business will endanger you. Trying to keep you as distant and as safe as possible. Only forced to get you involved in order to protect you. Even then, you better be able to handle yourself in case of emergencies.

Happily Ever After:

Your happily ever after consists of buying a plot of land in the middle of nowhere to live out your lives in peace.

Taking care of yourselves and one another in the comfort of your own private get away.

Jasper:

Beginning:

You met Jasper during a rough time in both your lives. You were a grounder, one of the grounders tasked with spying on The 100.

You were always in the trees, hiding, watching, getting information for the planned attack.

Jasper caught your eye simply for the fact that he survived a spear to the chest. What kind of space magic was that? It also didn't hurt that he was cute and awkward and you kinda just wanted to jump some space boy bones.

Needless to say you developed a bit of a crush on Jasper without him even knowing of your existence. When Lincoln got involved, things got messy. You felt bad for The 100, after all, you saw no real reason why the grounders and the space people couldn't just work something out. But your people were fearful, and so were The 100. Or Skycrew as you called them.

So you helped in little ways you could, joining Lincoln and aiding their side when Mount Weather got involved.

Needless to say when Mount Weather went down, and you met Jasper for the first time, things were not as you had hoped.

Jasper was traumatized, haunted by the deaths of an entire civilization. Tortured by the death of his girlfriend. You felt bad for him. And he wasn't too fond of you.

Being a grounder meant you were his enemy to him. Grounders caused trouble, grounders were responsible in the first place. He associated you with his scar.

And while is rejection hurt at first, he warmed up to you as you worked along side Raven and the rest of his friends. Monty and you grew especially close because he was a good teacher, and he would listen to you about your experiences as a grounder. You had import information about the land that Skycrew did not.

Soon, Jasper got used to you being around. But that didn't mean he liked you.

Middle:

One night in particular, you were fed up being bullied by Jasper. Jasper wasn't the only one who didn't trust you but, he certainly was the loudest.

You walked into the common place, noticing Jasper sitting at a table drinking as per usual. You tried to mind your own business but he taunted you.

"Hey grounder!" He knew your name. He refused to use it. You looked after a few calls. A sloppy smile stretched across his face. "Why don't you show me some of your grounder magic er whatever."

"Grounder magic?" You scoffed. Grounders were, out off all the groups, the most spiritual. And some skycrew had started rumors that you were a witch. You had taught Monty in particular how to grow and harvest herbs that could aid in healing wounds and help the sick. Your symbolic tattoos and dress didn't help your case. You liked to think you were an agent of peace, but clearly your efforts were for not.

"Magic." You scoffed at him.

"Yeah c'mon witch. Read my palm." He held out his hand with a drunken smile. Watching with heavy eyelids as you approached. Taking a seat on the bench beside him, slowly taking his hand in yours, and pressing it harshly against the metal table below. Jasper gave a sharp gasp of pain before you quickly let go and snatched the bottle of liquor from him. "Ow! Hey! Give that back!" He shouted after you.

You cursed him before drinking from the bottle and exiting to walk back to your room. Moonshine for dinner, you thought. You took large gulps from the bottle as you walked back to your room, already feeling dizzy by the time you got back. You entered the broom closet of a room, capping the bottle and tossing it onto your bed. Stripping of your clothes to change. You paused when you heard a loud knock at the door.

Jasper was on the other side, just as drunk as you, just as pissed. He froze when you opened the door, dressed down to just a bra and pants. Were always this hot? He asked himself.

"Piss off, Skycrew." You muttered, trying to shut the door. He wedged himself between the door and aggressively pushed his way through.

"I paid for that bottle with my own rations now hand it over!"

"Consider it payment for your palm reading you bastard!" You shouted back, trying to push him back out but failing to as he wrenched his way in. He lunged for the bottle, making you lunge for him in an immature and ridiculous mess of a scuffle. You pulled on the collar of his shirt, choking him enough to disorient and bring him back. He collapsed to the floor, reaching out and pulling on your ankle to get you down to his level.

Once on all fours, he climbed over you, only to get an elbow to his ribs. You pinned him down, sitting on his chest, legs on either side. Your hands pressing his wrists into the concrete floor below, and your chest pressed flush against his face.

In any other circumstances, Jasper would have shouted for you to get off. To let him go. But now, suddenly, in his half-drunk half-horny state, he relaxed into this position. He stopped fighting and for a moment so did you. Panting and content with your win, you released him. Looking down from your position on his chest. He was beet red.

His heavy eyes looking up at, dilated and needy. That look made you melt. Was he okay? Had you hurt him?

Jasper was more than okay, for once he had forgotten about everything. Nothing else mattered but you and your soft supple body. You went to get up off of him, but his hands came up and pressed you back down on him. Forcing your lips to meet his.

Drunken sex helped keep the two of you sane. Some nights you didn't even need to be drunk, you just needed him as he needed you. You chocked it up to a sex addiction, just another thing to make you both forget the atrocities of war. But, when the chip came around and everything went to shit. You worried for Jasper, as he worried for you.

Happily Ever After:

You watched out for one another, a bond built from pain and trauma grew into a friends with benefits sort of deal. Jasper let himself go, he let himself love again because of you.

Being up in space was weird. Six years and you still weren't used to it. You missed earth more than you could ever imagine but somehow, Jasper made it all okay. Jasper felt like your own tiny part of earth, he made you feel at home.

You'd spend the rest of your years in space with Jasper. Coming to the conclusion that this peaceful life in space was better than the chaos down below. You manned the ship with him. Growing old, having children together, and passing away of old age together. Finally getting the peaceful life you both desired.

[eveningfall]

do you have any advice for long distance relationships? how has yours lasted so long and what do you do to stay so close all the time?

I do! I am in no way a professional, nor do I claim to be the best partner out there, not by a long shot, but my girlfriend and I have done long distance for nearly three years and this is some of the most important stuff that stood out to me, under the cut for organization purposes:

(Note: Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) require a huge amount of effort, patience, and emotional closeness between two people and might not be for everyone. My relationship is irreplaceable to me, and I’m choosing to share what works!)

Make plans together, set aside time for one another

Quality time is key in a long-distance relationship. Because the physical aspect is often spaced apart by huge time gaps, emotional bond is a huge part of what makes LDRs special and wonderful.

For example, my girlfriend and I often call after I have a shift at work or while she’s driving to school. I also keep her updated on parts of my day, and we often set aside time to do things together that just involve the two of us. Skype sleepovers, Minecraft sessions and writing parties have been staples in our relationship since we met. Keeping each other in regular parts of our day to day lives helps us feel connected and included, even when we can’t be there in person.

It probably sounds like simple advice but seriously, do things together often and have regular conversations. Video games (or a shared activity) help facilitate bonding when not much is going on to talk about.

affirmations bro, seriously

Anxiety is the side effect of long distance. It’s okay to be scared- scared of being apart for too long and things fading out, scared of being forgotten, scared of the separation itself, etc. The fear comes from an honest place, but whether it’s you or your partner who’s feeling it, try to be rational and avoid the impulsive urge to act on those fears.

Because of this anxiety, LDRs typically require more (and more regular) reassurance than usual. Remind them often that you love them, miss them, or are thinking about them. Comment on the little things they do that you like. Share songs, video links, and memes that remind you of them, or that you’d think they enjoy. Establish your place in each other’s lives over and over again. It takes a special person to be able to cope with the anxieties big and small that come with long distance, but when done right it is incredibly rewarding.

communication

Incredibly, crucially important. You cannot be passive-aggressive or miscommunicate in long distance. Have those tough emotional conversations, don’t be afraid to be honest when you’re angry or if something they’re doing isn’t helping you. You don’t have to resent on another. Instead, be understanding, be patient, and try to come to a place of agreement. The goal is not to break up with each other, neither wants that. Be blatant with what’s on your mind and remember that they love you.

Remember, it’s not you vs your partner. It’s you and them vs the problem.

establish boundaries

While regular interaction is important, like any other relationship your partner must not become the centre of your universe, or you theirs. Allow yourself and your partner to have other friends, spend time with family, and also have time to yourselves. You don’t need to always be talking.

Jealousy, possessiveness and feelings of exclusion are three risks when it comes to LDRs. Learn to be apart just as much as you learn to be together, and alternately, also remember to talk to your partner if you genuinely feel left out, forgotten or unwanted. Give each other space, reassure one another and build trust.

Boundaries also apply to the nuances of romance/sexuality. Your partner may or may not experience physical/sensual/sexual attraction in the same way that you do, meaning that your comfort zones could be on the same page or entirely different. Attraction and comfort can also fluctuate! Always make sure you’re both feeling comfortable and safe. Respect and understanding means so much in a relationship.

plan to meet one another eventually

Please note the key word here: eventually! I know that many LDRs face some crazy extenuating circumstances and meeting in person might be a long, possibly expensive way away. Make those plans anyway- whether an actual buy-a-plane-ticket-get-together plan or just the hypothetical. 

When you’re so far apart, talking about what you’ll do once you can be together, what your first (or next) hug will be like, how excited you are to see each other one day, are all ways to keep that love and excitement alive whilst also subtly re-affirming the other’s place in your life. Like dude, it’s fun to even make a bucket list with all sorts of plans for what you can do when you meet. 

Meeting in person is the best way to know whether you want to be together, and stay that way. There’s nothing wrong with planning it out! 

don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind (aka just get it out there!!)

I would argue that this might be the most important thing. No matter what stage your relationship is at, learn to be vulnerable with one another and get used to being candid, especially romantically. This is especially important in LDRs.

It’s normal when you’re figuring things out to be afraid to say certain things or touch on certain topics because you’re flustered or nervous, but chances are they’re feeling the same things too. This could be anything from saying “I love you” when you want to, asking directly for something (“I kinda wish I could ___ with you”), to not holding back on compliments, needs, or voicing thoughts related to your partner. If you can manage it, say it.

If it makes you feel self-conscious, it’s probably a good thing to share! Not only can they help you work through it, but it’ll encourage you both to be totally comfortable expressing yourselves and your needs. In both the most innocent and more serious ways, learning to trust and be open with one another will be incredibly beneficial in the long run- it means you’ll be able to talk about anything. You have nothing to hide, they won’t judge you :’)

don’t let nsfw (if applicable) be a taboo thing!

Don’t be afraid or ashamed of anything you think or feel when it comes to yourself or your partner. Learn to be comfortable with expressing some of your thoughts and experiences, your likes and dislikes, and anything else with one another. Like everything else, this is a part of who you are and sexual/sensual experiences can be a shared conversation.

A good middle ground when you’re still breaking the ice in this sense is to let yourselves laugh about it. Don’t be shy- make those bad jokes, call each other out and ask risky questions! Like everything else, comfort is key. The less you have to hold back with one another, the more you can laugh and smile and joke where it helps, the more fun and enjoyable those initial moments will be.

And above all else, support your partner’s vulnerability! Certain topics may be harder for you or them. Accept their honesty and chime in with your own thoughts/ideas. It’ll be fun, I promise.

Just for general advice, I would say make even the little moments special. Make a big deal out of the little things, send each other birthday/christmas presents and love the shit out of each other. You can’t always hug or go on dates like an irl couple but keep in mind that the long distance isn’t forever. It’s a real relationship, don’t let anyone discourage it and remember why you chose your person in the first place. That’s the main thing probably? Do whatever feels best for you and your favourite person.

[wordsfromthesol]

The Tipsy Piano (2/2)

Author: @wordsfromthesol​ Pairing: Jason Todd x Reader Warnings:  Language, injuries Word Count: 902

Part One

“Jay, you’ve been staking out the piano place for two weeks now…and you’re telling me you don’t have anything?” Dick looked at his brother in disbelief.

“Well…” Jason trailed off.

“She kills people, Jason.”

“Yeahh, but not like good people.”

“That’s not how it works, you know that.”

“Well maybe for you guys…” Jason mumbled under his breath. Dick shot a questioning glare at his brother. “What?” Jason rose his hands in defense, “I haven’t killed anyone in like two months.”

“What happened,” Dick stopped himself, “You know, I don’t want to know. I want to know about this bar owner, aka the new crime boss.”

“Well, she’s got a great singing voice…and that ass.”

“Jason. Peter. Todd. Get me useful information.”

“Come on Dickiebird. From what I can tell, she only kills people as a last resort. She runs her group differently than most…she doesn’t rely on fear. They just actually respect her.”

Dick shook his head, in both disbelief at the news and his brother, before he dragged his hand across his face. “Well, what about the dude that gave them up?”

“I…” Jason thought about it, “I actually don’t know.”

“Just…just go find out.” Dick waved off his brother, while Jason jumped at the opportunity to go back to The Tipsy Piano.

**

Jason saunters into the bar clad in the infamous Red Hood garb. He glances around the room, much to his dismay he doesn’t spot you in the crowd. Jason sat at the bar, ordering a drink while continuously scanning the room. He sighed in relief as he watched you stalk out of – what he assumed was your office – rubbing your shoulder. He got up to meet you before you even spotted the vigilante, grimacing as he saw blood seeping through your shirt.

“You know you’re bleeding right?”

You spun around, startled by his presence, “Shit.” You headed back to your office, ignoring the giant following closely behind you. Pulling the first aid kit from the cabinet, you struggled to look in the mirror at the damage done to your shoulder.

“You look pathetic. Just let me help you.” Red Hood chuckled in the doorway.

“Fine…” you mumbled before shoving the kit into his arms. Jason ushered you to sit down, as he closed the door behind him.

“So…what happened?”

“Ugh. I so do not need a morality lesson right now.”

Jason couldn’t stop himself from laughing as memories of conversations with his brothers danced through his mind. “Don’t worry, if you need one of those from me…well you’d probably already be dead.”

“It was just some idiot questioning my authority. I took care of it.”

“Hm…” Jason’s eyes narrowed as he examined the wound. “This needs stitches, how did you not know?”

“When you’re always in pain, your body tends to go numb.”

“I know the feeling…” you heard the hero mumble as you grabbed the necessary supplies. “Did you kill them?”

“Maybe. Does it matter?”

“Maybe. Did you kill the guy who led me here?”

You winced as you felt the needle penetrate the skin, “No.” Red Hood’s face contorted with confusion and speculation, you could tell he didn’t quite believe you. “Look, I’m not the Joker or even Black Mask. I learned quickly that fear only builds a certain level of loyalty. Dude was an idiot and made a mistake. As long as he stays away from my crew, then they won’t kill him.”

**

“Well, what did you find out?” Dick began questioning Jason as soon as he entered the cave.

“She didn’t kill him.” Jason simply stated, hoping to avoid furthering questioning.

“That’s it?”

“Yep…sorry Dickiebird.”

“Good thing I did some information gathering of my own. There’s a buy going down tomorrow. Not sure if it’s her crew or not, but we’ll be there.”

“How –” Jason shook his head, realizing that the question was pointless. “What time?”

“Sunset, at the docks.”

“I’ll be there.” Jason’s mind wandered, of course it would be your crew. In the short few months you’d been in Gotham, you’d almost created a monopoly. He just hoped you wouldn’t be there.

**

Jason sighed as he sat on the rooftop, watching your figure bounce between the shipping containers. Dick was already headed to the other side of the docks, readying to begin the assault. Jason scanned the perimeter one final time before jumping down and joining his brother.

Both of the heroes were surprised at how easy the goons seemed to be taken down. Something was definitely off, but before they could further deliberate, Jason saw you run.

“I got her!” Taking off running before Dick could stop him. It didn’t take long for him to pin you against a warehouse wall. “Is there a reason you’re making this easy?”

“Am I?” You questioned, not bothering to try and break free of his grasp.

“What are you up to, Y/N?”

“Guess you’ll have to keep playing to find out.” He loosened his grip before finally dropping his hands altogether.

“I’m not a fan of games.”

“We both know that’s not true. You pretend not to care…but you love the drama.” You side stepped out from in front of him.

“So was there a point to this?” Red Hood called out as you turned to leave.

“Just checking a theory. See you at the bar.” You gave him a mischievous wink before you took off in a run.  

[natsukitakama]

Hi, i loved your general hcs about Kuroo 💞 Could you write for oikawa and kageyama too, please?

Author note : Hello there ♡ Thank you for your request and your kind work it means a lot for me !  it took me a long time I’m sorry about it.  I hope you’ll enjoy it those two dorks are my favorite (honestly I can’t dislike a character from Haikyu). Again I tried to be as impartial as possible. 

Warning : None just me daydreaming about them / Spoiler-free i base my G headcanon on the anime for now

i do not own those gifs credits to their owner (the Oikawa”s one comes from tenor) 

Masterlist 

General headcanon Oikawa edition aka pretty boi ... How am I supposed to be impartial ? 

A lot of people tends to think he is a lady boy which he is not. Sure the man is handsome, he is very nice and pretty funny but honestly he is married to Volley ball.  

Have you seen his reaction when his girlfriend dumped him ? He asked himself what did he do the wrong way. It doesn’t mean that he is blind, that he doesn’t care about you. But Volley ball is his passion. You need to understand that, he is breathing volley, he is eating volley, he dreams volley, he literally went as far as to hurt himself from training. You need to understand that he craves for Volley Ball 

It doesn’t mean he won’t take care of you, when this man let someone getting close to him it’s means the world. Have you seen him ? He is self-conscious, he has a low-opinion on himself even when he tried to be cocky it’s just a way to brush off his own insecurities. 

He thinks he is not a good setter, he is probably doubting his leadership even his own ability as an athlete (it probably started when he hurt his knee) 

I won’t be surprise if he got some trust issues too, despite being pretty popular he is only around the same people which include his best friends Iwa-chan (which he knew since he is child) and his friends from his team that he knew since 3 years. So I don’t think he was in relationship with a lot of people. 

Speaking of relationship, i think he will talk with Iwa-chan about his crush you know just to be sure he doesn’t misunderstanding things

He got a tone of buddies but don’t have much friends, it means a lot for him

I do think he is the kind of people to run into your house if you say you’re feeling down, probably because he’ll appreciate if you do the same for him 

I highly doubt he can take care of himself, I’m not saying that he can’t live on his own but he tends to forget a lot of things because of volley ball. I do think he’ll skip meal time to time especially night meal because he is too focused on analyzing a match but I also think he is smart enough to know how to stay healthy. 

Honestly he needs someone to domestic him, I’m sure he’ll crave for it 

He really loves his fans they’re nice with him but sometimes he wish he could be less popular. They put so much hope in him and he is… well him. How is he supposed to support them while he can support himself ? It melt his heart to see how cute they are but it puts much stress on himself 

I do think he struggles for sleep because of his anxiety especially when he is fighting a good team 

When he got hurt, he was afraid he might no be able to play anymore. He never thinks about what kind of job he would have if he can’t play volley ball. But I can see him being good into social science or something related to language. 

I don’t how I know that but I’m 100% sure he smells something sweet like vanilla don’t ask 

Despite having some childish attitude, I think he uses it to hide his resentment. Especially when he is with Kageyama, he knows the boy does nothing to hurt him. But the fact he is literally made to play volley ball while Oikawa has to work hard, even hurting his body, is pissing him off. He is jealous of him. 

Since he is very close to his nephew I think he is family guy and was probably heart broken when he has to leave his family. I’m sure he FaceTime them as much as he can. I think he bought them ticket so they can travel to see him when he can’t travel. 

Probably the kind of people of doing aesthetic things on his instagram, remember the time when he nephew took a picture of him ? We can see a selfie with Takeru, a picture of a Sunlight, a selfie and a tone of picture of his nephew. His instragram is tidy. 

He is hard-working, he isn’t afraid of what he takes to achieve his goal. It could be a quality or a fault. 

We knows that his previous girlfriend dumped him because he was too focused on Volley ball. It probably means that despite his Monday, he can’t afford much time to date someone. But that doesn’t mean he won’t care about his significant other, maybe sometimes he’ll need you to tell him that it’s okay to live for his passion but that you need to have some times alone together. 

He won’t mind quite contrary, he’ll feel so relieve knowing you miss him but at the same time he’ll blame himself for not being able to notice that you were a bit sad lately. 

Speaking of notice, don’t even think you can lie to him. The man is able to adjust to anyone he is playing with. That means he is pretty good with people and especially good at reading them. Within a couple of weeks he’ll be able to read your body, he’ll know what makes you feel happy, what bother you and when you lie to him. 

Don’t lie to him honestly. As I said before I’m pretty sure he suffered from lack of trust on himself and everyone, he got trust issues. So don’t hide something to him, don’t lie. Tell him when something is wrong. It might not be good, maybe you’ll argue but at least you told him the truth and in the end he’ll be back to you. 

Lying means you don’t trust him and if you don’t trust him why would he date you ? I can see him dumping someone because he knows they’re hiding something. Of course if he noticed you hide something because you wanted to buy him a gift he won’t be mad and he’ll act like he didn’t notice (he is a great actor you won’t know he knew) 

Despite not being able to date you as much as he wants, he’ll be sure to be around you. If you two went into the same high-school, he’ll have lunch with you, he’ll walk you home, probably text you a lot (morning and night text are the most, he can’t sleep if you do not send him a have good night text)

Like Kuroo, I think he won’t mind getting married earlier. He is part of people who knows when they met their soulmate you know ? 

He will never give up on his career though, that means you’ll have to move with him If you want to spend the rest of your life with him. 

It’s kinda selfish but volley is too important for him, you need to respect that 

I also think he wants children, I can see him being a good dad (he claims he wants only boy but he’ll love his daughter with his life) 

At this time, we all know he is fan of science fiction. He is probably interested on everything related to space. 

X-files is his favorite shows. 

Deep down I think he’ll study to become astronaut but he fells in love with volley ball 

He loves to show off about his knowledge on space (and if you praise him about it … damn he would never stop) 

I need to talk about Glass!Oikawa cause he is too handsome, since he used it to watch a match. I think he might be short-sighted and wears contacts when he plays otherwise he won’t see shit. 

Since his favorite meal is milk bread (can relate buddy don’t worry) if think he has a sweet tooth 

To conclude, Oikawa is really great character with an interesting development and he is not as « superficial » as people tends to think he is more deeper than that. 

General headcanon Kageyama edition 

Another volley ball’s addict 

You’re all pictured Tsukishima as a tsundere which is 100% true but do not forget this boy 

He is obsessed with volley ball and is own skill, he looks like Oikawa more than he would like to admit. Both of them are perfectionist, both of them are hard-working, both of them are passionate about volley ball to the point they might forget everything else.

Oikawa tends to not really taking care of himself while Kageyama struggle with relationship, we all see that he is not good with people. Not that he didn’t try. 

For now I know nothing about his past, but I think he used volley ball at some point to counterbalance something about his life. He worked harder to forget a situation who hurt him. Especially during his junior years. 

I do not think he is the nasty type, I think he is someone shy who struggle with relationship. All he needs is some help, he is completely aware of his lack of skills when it came to socialize, he tends to talk a lot with Sugawara because he is capable of talking with everyone. I won’t be surprised if they talk a lot you know to help him relax around his teammate. He even worked hard so he’ll be nice with Tsukishima 

I think we all know that the reason he hates being called « King » is because it reminds him times when everyone left him, when everyone decided they will be better without him. I think he got so abandonment issues which tends to stop him from making friends. 

After all why will he bothers making friends while he knows they will leave him eventually ? 

At the same times, he loves being surrounded by friends so that’s why he worked so hard on his social skill : cause he knows not everyone could be as easy-to-live as Hinata can be. Not everyone can’t see beyond his « king »’s behavior 

I think he loves animal especially dogs and the fact that he is afraid that animal might not like him prove it. Just picture him with a Shiba while going for a run ? 

I think he sees Hinata as a best friends or at least someone close, he helps him going through some of his fears, forces him to do better In order to be a good setter for his teammate. They are rivals but they are friends too. 

Deep down I think he would be a great friends with Tsukishima both of them haves some issues, but if they went through this they would be great friends

The CD-Drama confirm this, but he is very popular ; girls really like him probably because he is an athlete with dark hair and blue eyes (or it’s just me fangirling over him ?) 

Like Oikawa I don’t think this man he thought about an alternative job if he couldn’t be an athlete unlike Oikawa he is not good at school. So it was volley ball. 

Despite his inability to make friends, he can talk to people as we saw during his training on Tokyo with Atsumu he is pretty easy to talk as long as you’re talking about volley ball. 

I’m pretty sure people of his class tries to talk with him but since he only talks about volley ball they just stop. I wasn’t lying when I said he is obsessed with volley ball.  

Nonetheless, since he is pretty strict when it came to health ; I won’t be surprise if he studied so he could have a healthier way of live. I’m sure he knows a lot of things about food, what kind of food he needs to eat before running etc, I won’t be surprise if he would send some text to remind his teammate (especially Hinata) to eat properly … in his own way. 

Yeah he insults them but not in the mean way more like « you don’t know you need to eat banana after running ? How stupid are you » 

He would be a great nutritionist for athlete 

Despite everyone calling him special, he doesn’t see himself as a genius. That’s why he was so jealous about Hinata because to him he was the genius, cause he got so many potential while he barely has to work to be like this (Kageyama despite being awesome, worked hard to be how he is). 

The truth is he is too lazy for school which is a shame considering the memory he got and how dedicate he can be when is interested on something 

I also think he never date someone unlike his teammate he isn’t ashamed on that. He needs someone special, and he is too busy with volley ball to think about it. 

For what it worth I think he is into someone kind, not the mummy type but some who is into domestic things. I can picture him being overwhelmed every time he saw you cooking for him 

He is probably the type of guy who can break you if heard you talking shit about someone he cared about 

He isn’t very talkative especially about his feelings so he uses his action to show people he cares about them. For example the fact that he knows how to give you the ball so you could spike it’s his way of telling you that he consider you as someone close to him (don’t disappoint him) 

If he’ll stop yelling he would be a good teacher, he can analyze almost everything quite quickly so he can tell you what you’ve done the wrong way. 99% of the time he came with a solution. 

During his junior high, one of the reason of his behavior was the fact that he became a setter after Oikawa, we all know that he is still his biggest rival because Oikawa is everything Kageyama isn’t. He had to become setter for his team while they all know Oikawa, he probably felt like he had to so much better so he could beat Oikawa even if he left for high school. Kageyama was already a perfection before he met Oikawa and his obsession became stronger after Oikawa left. So yeah it could explain why he was such an asshole to his team and how he looked so shocked and kinda depressed when his team left him. 

Even if he actually beat Oikawa, Oikawa still win a match so there is a draw between them. However Oikawa is still a better setter at Kageyama’s sight, no matter how hard he will work it won’t be enough. And he knows that. 

But his insecurity is also his strength, it’s because he is insecure about his skill as a setter than he is working hard to be even better. While people would give up he stands up and work harder

I’m pretty sure he is addict to milk and yogurt because he believes it’ll help him getting bigger (also because he loves the taste of it and I couldn’t agree more)

I’m not seeing him being the type to get married or having a baby, but he’ll easily settle down with someone if he believes you’re made for each other 

I think he is dog type (probably into Shiba or Husky) 

Since his room is pretty empty judging by what we saw, I don’t think he is materialist. I think he tends to buy things if he really feels like he needs it. 

Apparently he run earlier in the morning and since he is very strict about his health I believe he doesn’t need a lot of hours of sleep. Probably something like 7 hours are enough for him maybe less. 

He valued punctuality a lot it probably bothers him when someone is late ; no matter what time it is he will be there, he isn’t afraid of waking up at 4am if it’s important for him. Besides we saw that he can sleep even on Saeko’s car so I guess he can sleep everywhere he just has to want it. 

[heymacy]

what do you mean "one day" you write how mickey's the wild west outlaw archetype... write it now bitch!! (please i say this with love, i've been fascinated with that comparison- and agree with it- ever since i saw your tags!!)

bitch (affectionate) 👏🏼 and okay yes let’s get in to it! disclaimer: this is probably going to be long, i did study film in school for two and a half years before switching my major (which i deeply regret) and i study history now, so the pretentious film student vibes are probably gonna come out swinging and i apologize for that. full incoherent rambling below the cut!

so, the wild west outlaw archetype is one that most people are familiar with, since the "western” genre has existed for over a century in Hollywood. in fact, the first time someone described a film as a “western” was in 1912 in Motion Picture World Magazine, though the first acknowledged “western” film was made in 1899. these films are typically set in the late 1800s during the westward expansion in America (or as i like to call it, “white people stay displacing indigenous groups with their manifest destiny bullshit”). there are very clear and distinct archetypes present in this genre, as with most genres (one day i’ll talk about rom-com archetypes because i find them fascinating). traditionally, there are 8 archetypes aside from the “outlaw”:

The True Cowboy

The Gunslinger

The Gambler

The Preacher

The Doc

The Sheriff

The Drunk

The Tycoon

each of these character archetypes has unique characteristics and motivations. sometimes there are overlaps between archetypes, such as the The Drunk and The Gambler, or The Gunslinger and The Doc. 

what’s unique about The Outlaw (we are now using capital letters, ooooo) is that they don’t fall in to any one category from the list above. rather, they embody a sense of resistance or pushback against expansion and modernization of western territories. to The Outlaw and his ragtag gang of ruffians, the west is an infinitely better place when the colonizers aren’t there (even though they themselves are colonizers - we love a solid sense of self awareness lol). because of this, they often go to great lengths to upset the balance of whatever little town they’re in, in hopes that the settlers will abandon their homesteading and return to the east, allowing for the outlaws to exist free of their inherent oppression (aka, we wanna do crime and these assholes won’t let us)

now let’s get in to shameless. at its core, it’s a show about family, poverty, struggle, and love. there are, however, MANY parallels between the running storylines in the series and the classic western film. gentrification is this century’s westward expansion, with the wealthy and the privileged moving their families to “unknown lands” (the Southside) to buy up property and transform the landscape in to something reminiscent of where they were raised. enter stage left, coffee shops and yoga studios, the modern day saloons and haberdasheries. someone is always stealing something, tagging something with spray paint, intimidating the transplants and upper middle class yuppies, all in an attempt to prevent their home (for The Outlaw, the real “wild” west is his home) from becoming a watered-down version of itself, rife with hipsters, this century’s colonizers in many ways.

using this logic, we could see the entirety of the Southside population, the locals at least, as The Outlaw, but i think that would be short-sighted, since the archetype of The Outlaw is centered around the disruption and destruction of the transforming cultural landscape (see: Mickey’s actions in season 5, his animosity towards Lip, who he saw for a long time as a fellow outlaw, for siding with the enemy and going off to college). not everyone on the Southside is going to have the same central motivation and trajectory as the TRUE outlaw. in fact, i would argue that the majority of the Southside is made up of Gunslingers, which do often overlap with The Outlaw in westerns, specifically ones from the 30s and 40s where The Outlaw is also the guy with the “fastest draw in the west”

now in western films, The Outlaw is almost always the antagonist, the character that gets in the way of the True Cowboy’s journey to self-fulfillment and happiness, and we’re supposed to hate him for it. we’re SUPPOSED to think he’s crass and violent and out of line and a stain on the fabric of society. rarely did westerns delve in to The Outlaw as a fully-fleshed out character. however, the rising popularity of “sympathetic outlaws”, aka outlaws we don’t think are entirely terrible or who have motivations behind their actions that we can empathize with (see: Bonnie and Clyde) has led Hollywood to produce films in which The Outlaw is a sympathetic character, not just a tool used to further the central character’s storyline. it’s a very similar phenomenon to the rise of villain/anti-hero popularity. i think we see this most ostentatiously in the Star Wars universe, with the “light side vs. dark side” debate and so many people meta-ing the hell out of characters like Anakin Skywalker, Ben Solo, and other characters that we’re SUPPOSED to dislike for their heinous actions but we just...don’t? at least not as much as we’re supposed to. of course there are exceptions to the rule, and people who just hate “bad” characters blindly (pea brain energy right there folks).

Mickey Milkovich is the perfect encapsulation of The Sympathetic Outlaw. he is an instantly interesting, compelling character with unique motivations. our first impression of him is when he and his brothers are on their way to the Kash and Grab to beat up Ian for “assaulting” Mandy - like our VERY FIRST impression of him is this dirty, dangerous little gremlin who steals from the shop owner and terrorizes the neighborhood. if shameless were a western, mickey and his brothers would be the “Terrifying Milkoviches”, known and feared throughout the land, riding in to town on their horses, stopping at the general store to steal bread and beer before pistol whipping the store owner (Kash) and tormenting the shop boy (Ian).

The Outlaw is, at his core, a character that is resistant to change, who uses fear and violence to get his way, and who is well-known but not well-liked. sound like anybody we know? yeah, i thought it might!

even though The Outlaw is often feared by locals, settlers, and indigenous folks alike, there is also a unique dynamic between The Outlaw and the townspeople they torment, and it usually appears in the townspeople vs. Big Oil conflict that is prevalent in MANY westerns throughout history. in comes Mr. Handlebar-Mustache-Bolo-Tie-Oil-Tycoon ready to rip his way through the little town in the west so he can build his railroad or drill for oil. the townsfolk are taught to believe that this man is doing so for the betterment of their livelihoods, allowing the town to grow and expand and be an “important spot on the map” for travelers. however, when The Tycoon’s presence disrupts their lifestyles and stability, as it always does, the townspeople very quickly become pretty okay with The Outlaw fucking up Mr. Handlebar-Mustache-Bolo-Tie-Oil-Tycoon’s day. there is this unspoken alliance between The Outlaw (Mickey) and the townspeople (the Southside), where they acknowledge the potential damage The Outlaw could rain down on their little homestead, but usually decide to risk it to prevent more significant damage from Mr. Mustache. thus, a tense but consistent alliance is often formed, giving way to the “Revisionist Western” genre, or modern westerns with primarily sympathetic outlaws.

when everything is said and done, The Outlaw is a symbol of resistance, resourcefulness, and realism. The Outlaw doesn’t like change, and he fights it at every turn. he is thrifty and skilled, which contributes to his fearsome reputation. he is highly realistic, and will often clash with more idealistic characters (see: “do you have anything resembling an imagination in that fuckin’ skull of yours?” “...no. i like facts. things that are real. shit i can hold. like a gun!” / 11x04)

ultimately, Mickey Milkovich is a modern retelling of the classic Outlaw archetype, feared by many but loved by viewers. he is highly critical of the upper classes, grounded in realism, and sympathetic in his plight. he goes up against “the man” like it’s in his fucking DNA, which is why we love him so much. we all love The Outlaw, whether we want to admit it or not. we may not condone all of their actions, but we recognize where their motivations come from and are able to empathize, which only strengthens our love of the wildly misunderstood shit-stirrer that is Outlaw Mickey.

[fymagnificentwomcn]

Women of Ottoman make me so sad especially when people hate on them. Those women lived horrible lives. Most of them were kidnapped, sold, thrown under a psycho Padisah. How can you wait for them to care for your kingdom? Of course they were going to survive for themselves and for their children. None of them deserves the hate they get. I hope God put all of them in peace. No human should go through such terrible things.

Totally agree Anon.

Women from Ottoman Empire cannot be for example compared with women from the West – first and foremost, they were slaves that at the very beginning lost their families, homes and even had to change their name and religion to have any chance at making a new life. Some lost their families very early, and often it also affected them emotionally when they grew up without having familial bonds. Even as consorts, they were one of many, and they had no legal status outside their children, Even mothers of princes other than hasekis were referred to as “Mother of Prince X” in records, and mothers of daughters were even more invisible. They had a very limited access to outside world, there was no way a woman could ascend the throne as a ruler in her own reign, other than as regent. Not to mention all matters connected with fratricide and kafes, it was living in constant fear. It’s hard to compare them to European queens, who had more stable and safe position even if they also had to face misogyny and oppression .

It was no fairytale, even in the show that didn’t show a lot of atrocities involved in slave trade and focused on those women who still somewhat “succeeded”.

I will use this opportunity to discuss some double standards about those who succeeded vs. those who didn’t pertaining to the TV show, but will later come to the crux, I promise.

The faux feminism in this fandom is astounding to me,including the glaring obvious double standards depending on who fan favourite is - and fan favourite is often who is simply “the coolest”, “most victorious”, “most stylish”, “most lucky”, generally young, beautiful, badass, and successful, not sad or depressed. We all know reactions to Hürrem and Mahidevran doing the same things back in original MY - when Mahidevran did awful things to Hürrem, she was just pathetic jealous woman, but when Hürrem did multiple times the same or worse things to other women it was “yass queen” and she ‘fights for her love, so touching, so strong, so great, self defence”. Suddenly Hürrem is allowed to do so because she”s “not like other girls, so not like these pathetic dumb losers”. Hürrem was strong, cunning, and smart, but she also had one clear advantage over all her “enemies” - the love of the most powerful man in Ottoman history. She made multiple mistakes too, but could always count on Suleiman turning a blind eye or forgiving her - something that Mahidevran or others could never count on.

Frankly, even Hürrem vs. Mustafa was often treated more as Hürrem vs. all this “pathetic” women that fought for Mustafa’s case aka Mahidevran or Suleiman’s sisters in fandom. Suddenly Mustafa cannot even defend his own mother because he immediately had it coming for “choosing the wrong side”. Even if you disapprove of him defending/not abandoning his mother, e.g. choosing to poison him sounds a little disproportionate, don’t you think? I said it and I will repeat it again – Hürrem is a character very similar to Cersei – yes, she suffered a lot because of a system devaluing women and yes she’s a survivor and a strong woman who managed to make life for herself in that system – but she’s not a feminist character because she actually only uses the system to her own advantage (and often perpetuates it), and actually displays a lot of traits of internalised misogyny, voicing multiple times how she is different from other girls and this is why she must be the only one by Suleiman’s side, while other women aren’t even entitled to dream about such things. She condemns Mahidevran for wanting to be the only one and being jealous, but then when Suleiman is with other woman she’s all “I’m not like pathetic Mahidevran, I must be the only one”. Same with multiple comments that she often makes… Hürrem was sassy &sarcastic, and had many good comebacks, but it makes me sad how people often cheered on and applauded those worst ones that again display internalised misogyny, like her mocking Mahidevran why she cares about her appearance so much when she doesn’t have a man to share a bed with? Or her again being all “I will give birth to many boys, and you won’t even give birth to a girl”. Again, that whole society was misogynistic and other women also were influenced by it, like they all wanted to give birth to a boy mostly…but often it is about status and wanting to raise/maintain rank, while Hürrem boasts the fact that she gives birth to many boys as again a trait to show how special&strong she is, even part of her reaction to Mihrimah’s birth is her unable to accept the fact that she could give birth to a girl and being disgusted by the fact.. yes, she accepts her later on and her reaction does also stem from being aware of how misogynist the system is, but it shows precisely that – yes, she is influenced by the system and suffered because of it, but at the same time she begins to display same behaviour that she suffered from, tries to cut herself from others in disadvantaged position. And yes, not all characters had similar reactions to giving births to daughters, and mind you Hürrem already had a son&became sultana, plus was Suleiman’s clear fave that could hope for more children. She wasn’t in the worst situation, even Hafsa and Suleiman were very happy at birth of a girl and nobody criticised her for it. Conversely, in MYK Kösem states multiple times that she wants to give Ahmed both sons and daughters, and when she’s pregnant with her second child, she says she wants a girl now for a change. Even when Ayşe hopes for a boy so that Murad’s anger may be melted, she’s happy about Kaya’s birth&clearly loves the baby from the start & is distraught when she is taken from her. Hürrem was never intended to be viewed as feminist, always justified heroine.. this is why instead of making her first bad deed be a revenge on Mahidevran, who had treated her horribly and unfairly, she attacked the person who was most kind to her of them all and who recently went through the same exact shit. Some people hate Gülnihal, but then say Hürrem wasn’t a homewrecker because she had the right to make life for herself in harem.. true, but so did Gülnihal, and it’s not like she could refuse to go to Suleiman’s chambers pls. It wasn’t to be seen as right, it was clearly shown that Hürrem can be both the oppressed and oppressor at the same time from the start. If they had wanted to make her character only all about revenge, they would have again made her gone after Mahi, not innocent Gülnihal, her “best friend”. And people going how Mahi is irredeemable, but with Hürrem it’s so okay because she’s cool while she slays..eh. I admit I never liked Hürrem because personally she never appealed to me, but I totally get why people stan her because she’s an interesting, three-dimensional character (and yes she does have a softer side too), I’m just bothered by some making her some empowered heroine who is excused for everything by the fact that she was a slave and suffered a lot because of it – because you know she is not the only one who went through the same shit – the harem is full of such women, for start. Even statesmen like Ibrahim or Rüstem are slaves (of course as men they have more opportunities for a career etc.), eunuchs attending ladies are slaves… This whole system is based on slavery, yet she often behaves & talks like she’s the only one who lost her family, was kidnapped & mistreated.

And even Nurbanu becoming her successor was accidental because she actually wanted her dead later, though of course Nurbanu was still clearly inspired by her. She never intended for anyone to follow her example and to make her elevation become a permanent element of Ottoman system, and it’s symbolised by her decision to bury the “ring of power” (lol) with her (though of course what Nurbanu did with taking it anyway was plain disgusting).

I think that trying to examine why this character behaves like that is more interesting than simply go YASSS QUEEN.

Thus said, I hate these reductive“takes” calling these women “bitches” because yes there are complex reasons why some of them have become pretty cruel, so while there are no excuses for some of the behaviour, the simple word “bitch” does not cut it at all.

/Yes, I discussed Hürrem here because out of all MY/K characters she seems to be the least hated among major female characters & biggest fan favourite,/

Anyway, the point is that neither Hürrem nor Mahidevran are the villains of the story. The show makes it clear in its last episodes that Suleiman is the true villain – he was the most powerful man at that time, when the padisah’s position was truly strong, as Gülfem put it in the finale “even leaf cannot fall without your approval”. He’s not as dumb or passive as it may seem at first glance -of course he needs to pretend to be objective and just, but he has his own agenda just as everyone else. Moreover, he pretended to be the one trying to ease conflicts… yet he was often the one enhancing them. Even from the start when he gave the ring he had promised Mahidevran to Hürrem&and in many ways humiliated her… then he did the same with giving Isabella necklace he had promised Hürrem. Bah, it was clear he often enjoyed making Hürrem jealous because it flattered his ego. He ultimately even enhanced the conflict between Selim and Bayezid to get rid of the latter, who was “the more dangerous son”. He was always pulling the strings.. he allowed Selim to buy Bayezid from Tahmasp by the way he conducted negotiations because he knew Bayezid would get rid of his brother on the road. It’s practically what Gülfem says to him in last episode again. He knew what backlash was directed at him following Mustafa’s death and he didn’t want another son killed in front of him. As Mahidevran said in the final episode to Mihrimah “It was your father who chose the lives we lived for all of us”. He was the one that determined the fate for everyone. And even if Mihrimah did not want to admit it in any way in front of her mother’s enemy, she pretty much understood then that Selim was also her father’s puppet in a way and it’s my guess why she ultimately decides to leave the palace instead of plotting revenge for Bayezid (and we know she would eventually be back). It was Suleiman who was pulling strings all along throughout the whole show, even sometimes by choosing to refrain from acting.

In MYK, the situation is different that we deal with incompetent, weak or even tyrannical sultans, who are also sometimes danger to ordinary people or break the Imperial law. Kösem acts here like the protector of sultanate and again we see different standards. Can you imagine how criticised Kösem would be if she had used similar methods to Murad’s or even once had gone to on “night spree” and executed people for banning all these dumb prohibitions? Yet for many Murad is the “cool guy” and “poor misunderstood Murad”. Calling Kösem a tyrant.. please you have an actual tyrant here. Look how much criticism she gets for saying “I’m the state”, while Murad calls himself “shadow of God on Earth” , “sole owner of the Ottoman Empire”, “I’m the justice” , “true death” etc. all the time and he’s “badass”. Or how she’s criticised because she dared to try to influence the Divan to convince Murad to change punishment for his prohibitions. She’s an “usurper”, not the guy who enacts unjust law and oppresses his subjects.

And here we come to crux – look at how Suleiman is treated in MY, everyone is flattering him, he’s the one who for most time isn’t blamed for what is happening, everyone strives to be in his good graces, his sons step on their toes around him and idealise him even when he behaves like a total asshat. Even when he dies people try to remember him for his “magnificence”

Now look at Kösem, a female ruler, who was turned by scapegoat by people when something went bad and she had far less freedom to make choices and yet far more criticism, blame shifting and insults thrown her way. Suleiman is credited “for making sacrifices for the Empire”… but he really didn’t have to execute all the people he decided to kill, and his decisions truly affected everyone badly and led to further mess, starting from Ibrahim’s.. It was especially visible in case of Mustafa – he was obviously innocent and didn’t intend to rebel, but after what happened rebellions did begin.Conversely, each difficult decision that Kösem made led to stabilisation in Empire and prevented unrest, yet what she does is interpreted by some as “wanting power for sake of power” because woman cannot act in favour of state nation or dynasty – there’s only personal interest or power hunger. Her life is clearly framed as tragedy both by the “curse” of her witnessing the death of everyone she loved and her death being a parallel scene to her capture - because she was never truly free.

Interestingly, IMO Suleiman for all his talent and his achievements, fucked up the succession issue – succession by combat truly began to run its course during that period & no longer even fulfilled functions for which it was practiced – to put on the throne “the strongest” contender, one with the biggest support, also most successful military commander – while it’s true that era of conquest was naturally over and Empire had to become more sedentary, it still doesn’t make Selim the strongest or best suited candidate for the throne after Suleiman – his not going on campaigns etc. and being more of palace sultan had nothing to do with him recognising the transformation, but simply lack of interest in state matters and preferring to have fun than to rule. He wasn’t some demon, but he was terribly passive & lazy. And him not being a warrior was the least of his problems. Suleiman had extreme power and authority, he introduced first law reform after Mehmed the Conqueror – the fact that he allowed such contest (and well his sons didn’t even wait for his death to start a civil war) was a bad decision when it came to long-term planning. Some may say maybe he would have done something concerning move to seniority if one of Hürrem’s sons had been the eldest… maybe, but we will never know. Contrary, while all Ahmed’s sons died during Kösem’s lifetime, we know her legacy connected with anti-fratricide law lived on – after her death fratricide was a rare occurrence with only a few special exceptions in specific circumstances.

Of course there’s also the matter that Suleiman’s era and Kösem’s era were totally different – here it was even a success to manage to stabilise Empire. And here we need to stress how important context is – I always stress how important it is to assess historical figures in context – for me it’s hard to even compare, let’s say Kösem and Hürrem, because they lived in different ages and fulfilled different roles, let alone comparisons between historical figures from other parts of the world, perhaps even from different age. I can’t understand e.g. why Peirce compared Kösem and Turhan to Elizabeth I and Mary Stuart in Empress of the East – both situations were completely different, the only thing they had in common was that there was a power struggle between two powerful women, which ended with one of them executing the other (and we don’t even have 100% confirmation of Turhan ordering Kosem’s execution because such thing wasn’t officially in her power). I appreciate Peirce a lot, but TBH this comparison was just dumb for a professional historian.

Kösem’s case really shows how loss of innocence may be used as weapon against you – very early on, she gets the lesson even with Ahmed – the moment she first became involved with scheming following the death of her father, he got mad at her for the duration of her whole pregnancy – he didn’t ask why she had done it or any other details – she wasn’t his “ideal fantasy” from the portrait anymore and this was what mattered – and only then changed his mind when after so many futile attempts made by Kösem to talk to him, she finally forced him to listen to her explanations & motivations, and subsequently he became all “I will make everyone pay for every tear of yours & for making us endure pain of separation”. Ah okay, but don’t forget about yourself ;) And once Kösem stopped being “şehzade’s dream” with death of Ahmed and was truly her own political leader, she became to be more and more exposed to this with the passing of time and once she acquainted more and more power.

And don’t forget some male historians praising Turhan for “giving the power back to the rightful hands aka men”… it tells you all, and it’s false anyway, since it didn’t mean Turhan losing interest in state affairs and only caring about the harem (and honestly, “Köprülü was “her man”, she didn’t choose someone she had no influence upon). That was what she decided the Empire needed at that particular moment, not because she realised that politically involved women sucked lmao.

- Joanna

[headoverhiddles]

Go On, Smile - Marilyn Manson x Reader

Synopsis: You and the band terrorize the local mall. AKA The totally fictional, fucked up origins of the samples from Cake and Sodomy. 

Notes: Portrait era! Warning for intentions of assault (not from Manson) and general immature debauchery. 

There's nothing left to do in this town.

You, your boyfriend, and a few members of his band that aren't still sleeping, are wandering around the small town they're set to perform tonight. The venue's gonna be tiny, just like the town, but at this point, any gig is a good gig. They're touring their asses off to promote their first studio album, an album nobody thought could possibly get produced. Lots of touring meant a few shitty stops (okay, a fair amount), and it meant days of either doing drugs in hotel rooms, pasting flyers around the city, or trying to do normal things.

"We could vandalize buses," Jeordie suggests. 

"There's only one bus that comes by here, once every hour at half past sharp," Pogo replies, staring at the palm of his hand. "I've been watching it."

"What about the mall?" you suggest.

"Does barbie want to go shopping?" Pogo mutters. You throw a crumpled up fast food bag from the ground at him.

Brian finally speaks up. "The mall's not a bad idea, actually. There might be makeup stores there, I can swipe some pancake shit for tonight's show."

Now that their fearless leader had spoken, everyone grunted their own form of agreement, getting up off the park bench.

Making it to the mall, Jeordie runs over to the directory. "I'm going to the candy store." Pogo seems to like that idea, and the two walk off. Brian calls after them.

"Assholes! Meet us back at the doors by six, we've got a show to get to!" He turns to you, taking your hand and rolling his eyes. "As if they don't get enough drugs. Now they need sugar highs too."

The two of you walk toward the drugstore to check out the makeup. Brian immediately heads over to the lip aisle, and starts pocketing some reds and plum colours.

"You know... I wouldn't mind a bit of candy," you tell him, swinging your hand with his, "A nice, big lollipop."

Brian licks his lips. "How would you lick it, baby? Swirl your tongue over the tip?"

"I'd get it all into my mouth, then when it hits the back of my throat, I'd swallow all that sweet sugar." Brian groans, starting to walk toward the candy store with you too, and you shrug. "But I'd settle for some sugar babies."

"You get the sugar babies," he smirks, "I'll get the sugar daddy."

"You are not a sugar daddy," you laugh. He scoffs.

"I could be!" He slides his hand down to feel up your ass. "I could be your daddy, babygirl."

"You're the same fucking age as me, and you've got no money."

He shakes his head. "Just give this record a little more time. Once Interscope pushes it and Portrait sells a billion copies, stadiums all over the world'll want Marilyn Manson to scare the crap out of their upstanding citizens. We'll be in demand! Then I can buy you all sorts of weird relics."

"Special," you smile, "Normal sugar daddies buy their babies diamonds. No, I get prosthetic hands and Eichmann's aluminum dentures."

"You love it." 

"I do," you giggle, and his eyes suddenly take on that mischievous glint.

"Photo booth."

"Bri, really?"

"We gotta go in, and do a porno shoot."

"What?!"

"There's nobody around but us. Come on baby, let's take really fucking dirty pictures."

"You know, they probably save these somewhere to print them, right?"

"Good, you can flash your tits, make the mall cop jack off. Here, we can record, and put it on the new single, Cake and Sodomy! It'll be perfect."

You blush, and he pulls you into the little tent in the middle of the pathetically empty strip mall. He sets up the camera, closes the curtain, and you keep giggling.

"You go here," he sets you up on mark like a master movie director, and you check the screen, making sure the star anatomy is properly centered. Then you reach down and pull your top over your head, unhooking your bra. Brian bites his bottom lip.

"Shit, you're gonna make me have to jack off." You knee him lightly in the crotch playfully.

"Focus on the shoot, Spielberg." He puts his hands over your breasts from behind, and you yelp.

"Jesus Christ, Brian!"

"What?!"

"At least warm your hands up a little. God, it's like being fondled by the Grim Reaper!”

“Geez--”

“Boobs are very delicate things, okay, they're not like dicks, you can't just whip them out and expect--"

"Okay, alright, there. There! All warmed up. You happy?" 

"Yes," you pout, and he kisses your cheek quickly, before darting forward to press capture and resuming his position. The first flash goes off, with Brian's hands grabbing your breasts. Second one begins to count down.

"What should we do, quick, what should we do?!" you squeal, laughing, and he looks around. He gets on his knees, bringing his face up, and sucks on your nipple for the third shot.

"Get your dick out," you urge, "Hurry, do it!"

He unzips his pants, and gets his dick as close as he can to the camera.

For the fifth shot, you get on your knees this time, holding Brian's dick and licking the tip as the last flash goes off. He presses play on his tape recorder, and you stand up, kissing him and making the sexiest noises you can.

"Alright.... mmm... mmmm!"

The two of you are laughing uncontrollably like children as you exit the booth with the printed strip. "Gorgeous," you nod, inspecting it.

"We're hot. I'd wanna fuck us," he says.

"God, same."

"We should use these as album art."

"Go for it," you shrug, "I'm sure it'd help sell all those billions of copies you promised." You bite your pinkie nail, looking back at the booth. "What if there were cameras that were watching inside, though? Like other cameras?" He massages your shoulders as you walk.

"I told you, there probably were. I already shoplifted, might as well be arrested for public indecency as well. It'll help my, uh... dangerous rock star image."

You groan, hiding your face in Brian's shoulder as you two keep walking.

You meet up with Jeordie and Pogo in front of the candy shop, Brian having shoved the strip down his back pocket. Jeordie has a bag full of sweets.

"What did you get?" you ask, burrowing inside it. He hands you some laffy taffy.

"I know you like this stuff."

"Jeord! I absolutely love you!"

"I know." He grins. "Hehe, Star Wars."

Just then, a big, hairy motherfucker of a security guard approaches you four quickly. He's an imposing figure, even on your 6'1 boyfriend.

"I promise I paid for all these gummy worms," Jeordie begins to tell him, but he looks at you and Brian.

"You the kids from the photo booth?"

You're too shocked to speak, so Brian, ever the antagonist, nods, sizing him up. "Yeah. Is there a problem?"

"You're going to have to come with me," the portly guard says sternly, and Brian shoves him off.

"Like hell, buddy." 

The guard starts to take something out of the back of his belt, so before either of you can find out what, you stop him.

"Wait! Wait, it's okay. We'll go." You lean in to Brian pleadingly. "The most he can do is give us a warning. Don't get your show banned here over some stupid, bloated mall guy with a bone to pick."

"Fine." You and Brian turn, noticing Jeordie and Pogo had fled the scene. "Great friends," Brian mutters, and the two of you start walking.

The guard leads you into a dark, grimy room down some steps under the mall's CVS, where you see a bunch of security camera feeds, and... your topless photos displayed on one of them. It smells strange down here, like spoiled chicken and vaseline. The guard sits down.

"So. You think creating pornography in public is funny, do you?"

Brian lets loose a stream of vitriol you knew had been simmering. "I do. In fact, I think it's the most goddamn hilarious thing I've ever done, you stuffy old dickhead!"

"Brian..."

"You wouldn't know much about that though, since you're probably so miserable working overtime for a mall who sees the local crackhead walk through maybe once every month or so and that's it--"

"Brian."

"--Getting paid to sit behind a desk in the dark, eat donuts and creep on people like a glorified cam-stalker--"

"Brian!"

"I bet you liked looking at my girlfriend's tits, huh? You like em, you fucking pervert? Why don't you--"

The guard finally has enough, and gets up out of his chair, walking behind Brian and tying a gag around his mouth. You go to stop him, but he grabs some duct tape, and sits you down, tying your wrists behind the chair. He does the same to Brian, restraining him. Shaking in fear, you sit still, paralyzed, as the guard sits back down in front of you two.

"You kids now and your alternative lifestyles. Think that acting outlandish and wearing black, Satanic clothing that never would've flown in my day is the way to give us civilized folk here in this good, god fearing little town the middle finger, huh?"

He sneers down at your leather miniskirt, and then to Brian's thick platform boots, looking him up and down. He's not really helping disprove the man's point about outlandish clothes, with his lipstick and shaved eyebrows. You think you see Brian fiddle with something in his back pocket, but your attention is directed back to the guard.

"Performing sexual acts in my mall. You won't get away with that."

"What are you gonna do?" you whimper.

"Put on a little show of my own," he starts to smile sadistically. You start to feel cold all over. He doesn't mean...

Brian's eyes close. Of course the two of you had found the Buffalo Bill of mall cops. Fucking lucky. Well. It'd be a story for the show.

The man sits back. "Smile."

Brian watches the guy closely. "You touch her..." your boyfriend warns. You struggle to pull your restraints free.

"Smile for me," the guard repeats, growing impatient.

You swallow. "Just let us go. We're really sorry about the photos!"

He finally stands up, cracking a fist. "Go on smile, you cunt!"

Brian jumps up, and though his wrists are still bound like yours, he turns around to grab you, pulling you both to the door. He spits the gag out. "Run."

The two of you dash out the side entrance to the mall, and keep running until you can't hear the guard yelling anymore.

Jeordie and Pogo come out of the woodwork, quickly gathering around you.

"Fuckin' redneck tyrant!" Brian shouts back, grabbing and tossing Jeordie's milkshake at the building. Jeordie stares in longing at the destroyed strawberry goop on the ground, debating if the 5 second rule worked for drinks too. Pogo takes a switchblade out to cut you two loose.

"I got the perfect sound bites on tape we can sample for Cake and Sodomy, of you moaning like a whore and that guy being a general asshole," Brian tells you, and you roll your eyes.

"After nearly being killed by a psychotic mall cop, that's all you have to say? Typical."

"What did you guys even do?!" Jeordie asks.

You dig out the photo strip from Brian's back pocket, and pass it to the other guys. Pogo nods, stroking his goatee like a critic.

"That's art."

[combat-wombatus]

uHm if you do these and if you want to do it I’d love a bnha matchup <3?

• my name is Aubri, I’m bi but prefer MHA boys tbh. I go by she/her, too.

• I’m a very Gryffindor person. (Sorry if you don’t know Harry Potter - 😖)

• I’m a June cancer, and I have ADHD and anxiety. My anxiety can be literally crippling somedays, but it’s gotten better overtime.

• I’m a bit of a class clown and usually just a clown 🤡 but that’s irrelevant. My teachers all hate me but like school-wise I do well so we have a love and mostly hate relationship 🤧

• I’m usually the ‘entertaining’ friend, in elementary the popular kids would invite me to play games with them because, “you’re funny” and it was like the biggest achievement ever 😭👍🏻 then they’d ignore me but that’s another therapy session

• I’m usually made fun of by people for being ‘weird’ and ‘insane’. Like all through elementary everyone thought I’d be a criminal when I grew up JUST BECAUSE I HAD UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - I hate it here 😐🦶🏻

• I’ve always been super into crime stories/true crime (where my anxiety comes from, I’m always worried about a pesky serial killer just killing me. It’s usually being kidnapped tho lmao) so I knew and still know like all these murder facts and sometimes I’d just randomly be like;

“Hey did you know it takes 12 hours and 2 days to dissolve a body in acid?”

or

“If you bury a dead deer over a dead body you buried deep in the ground, when police dogs sniff it and people dig they’ll just think it was the deer and won’t dig any farther.”

• So maybe people had a reason to be scared of me and think I’ll be a criminal someday, i dunno.

• I love love love reading and writing, and also debating. The things I’ve wanted to be when I grow up are basically: Dog shelter worker, actress, FBI agent, politician, and a writer. But usually I just want to do something that makes a positive impact on people. Like i wanted to be an FBI agent to solve crimes for people. I wanted to be a politican so I could actually help a lot of people. The entertainment industry also seemed like a way to make people happy. Idk, but then I decided I couldn’t be a politican at 10 because they were all corrupt and to be one I would have to be too. 😫🤌🏻 we love some good childhood angst

• the only subjects I’ve ever excelled at are ELA and Social Studies aka History, and Math I can’t do to save my life. ELA comes easy for me and I usually don’t have to work that hard and/or get too stressed over it. But I always get the meanest teachers for some reason. For example, one time I did my final essay for like 30% of my grade in 30 minutes the day it was due and I got an A+ 🦟🦗🦟🦗

• Uhhh id describe myself as a pretty loyal friend, I’m a ride or die type of girl. A story from my childhood that summarizes it pretty well is when I was in 2nd grade my friend wet her pants and she didn’t want to go to the nurse for it alone so I peed my pants so I could go with her and she wouldn’t have to be alone. Like, you know, a professional problem solver

• and I have genuinely attacked people for fucking with my friends but don’t snitch pls 🕳🏃‍♀️💨

• But also just anyone, people at my school tend to come to me with their problems for me to either help solve them by reasoning, or just to confront the other person like the bad bleep I am 😈😈

• I also have a huge daydreaming problem, it’s literally maladaptive daydreaming. So paired with my ADHD I don’t get shit done like ever.

• I have really high empathy levels I guess, like I always say hi to everyone I see on the street, especially if they look sad 😔 I’ve done it ever since I was a little kiddo.

• My fashion sense is very much a preppy/alt style. I wear those ripped tights and fishnets, I also have the MOST BIZARRE JEWELRY- like who allowed me to buy the gummy worm glittery earrings, hmmm???????? and those Mary Janes???????

• But I love crew necks and pleated skirts so I always obide by the National “hoes dont get cold” policy 🇺🇸😫🦅

• I wanna move somewhere someday, I don’t want to stay in America for very long

• I can speak Latin, French, and my native language which is English.

• My music taste varies, but my all-time favorite artists who all of their music they’ve ever put out has been my favorites are, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, and Conan Gray.

• I no-joke have a sign in my front yard that says;

In ✍️ this ✍️ house we ✍️ don’t ✍️ worship Jesus ✍️ but instead ✍️ Melanie ✍️ Martinez

• My favorite shows are MHA (duh), The Promised Neverland, and Malcolm in The Middle.

• and I’m not going to tell you what I prefer in a partner, because that ruins the fun 😤

• but I will say I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t really make me laugh. Like I’m used to doing most of the talking in convos but if you’re just boring I’m sorry it’s nothing personal but no thanks 😐✌🏻

• About my physical appearance, I have fluffy n curly brown hair, but when it’s in the sunlight it looks sort of brown but golden yk?? It’s shoulder length :) I have bleach blonde streaks in the front. I like wearing eyeliner most days, too. I’m pretty average size/ on the skinnier side. Kinda high key inscure abt my body bc I got flat shamed in elementary EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TIDDIES NOW- whatever 😤🙄. I also have crystal type blue eyes, and I do have fairly big eyes. But, like, not weirdly big. A good big. My cheekbones are ALWAYS PRESENT so sometimes I get called a Tim Burton character but it’s cool ig ☠️☠️ oh and I’m kinda short. I’m 5’3, even though my doctor said I’d be 5’7. I feel like I was either tricked by the doctor or someone just stole my destined height while I was asleep. It’s probably cause I didn’t keep an eye out for Selener 👁 😔😔

• I’m a definite night owl, like all of my energy comes at night which really sucks cuz I can’t do much since everyone else is asleep.

• My love language is touch starved so I’ve never figured it out ✌🏻😗🔫

• but I am an attention whore so idk 😏

• I’m a huge introvert with social anxiety. It isn’t as bad as it used to be cuz I used to not be able to like go to restaurants but now I’m much better.

• I’m a huge history person, mostly like sad history LMFAO. Uh but a lot of my hyperfixations have been on history. Some examples are The Roman Empire, Julius Caesar himself, Anne Frank, The Titanic, the Black Plauge, Helen Keller, Marie Curie, Slavery in the US, Joan of Arc, and just a lot more. I always love talking about these things if someone would let me ramble to them but no one ever does 😖 it also got to a point where for all these subjects I’d go to the library and try to find a book on them but usually I’d either have already read it or I’d read it and know all the information.

• I’m super into Greek Mythology, I have 7 books filled with the stories, I’m going to Greece maybe this summer to see it’s history, and named my hamster Aphrodite but we call her Aphie. I also will talk about this forever and ever if you let me.

• My favorite color is yellow, my favorite food is literally nothing I never have an appetite, my favorite planet is Saturn, favorite song is Tag Your It by Melanie Martinez atm but it changes like everyday.

• Music is a huge safe-space for me if I’m feeling down or having a panic attack. It calms me down n is overall my coping mechanism 💃🏻💃🏻

• Biggest fear is spiders, even looking at one gives me a panic attack and I cannot sleep at all for that night, adding to my insomniac ass 🧎🏻‍♂️🏌️‍♀️

• I’m mature for my age, I don’t exactly like hanging around kids my age and I get along better with older crowds.

• i don’t like conventional dates, (I PROMISE IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND ‘QUIRKY’ AHAHA) I kind of like having a best-friend type partner more so dates that aren’t as romantic as like the movies or a fancy restaurant suite me better. My dream date is playing Monopoly on my bedroom floor 🦧

• Also I hate getting gifts. End of story. If someone gets me a gift like awe that’s nice but never again, I’d prefer to get you one. Especially in a romantic partner 😐 i keep a journal of my friends’ interests and hobbies so I can get them the perfect gifts for their bdays and Christmas’s. Been doing this ever since 4th grade.

• Though I don’t have much actual experience with relationships🧍🏻‍♀️

• I’m a huge believer in ‘family isn’t blood, it’s who you make it’ because I have a pretty shitty family life and my childhood has been trash. My friends are my family to me.

• Also if my friends don’t like my romantic partner ✨ GOODBYE ✨. Sorry girlie, bros before hoes 🦨💨

I was going to put more but I’m so so sorry for how LONG AND COMPLICATED THIS IS- idk if this is a autobiography or a matchup at this point 🤦‍♀️ don’t feel pressured to do this and if matchups aren’t open IM SO SO SORRY LMAO uh yeah ilysm 🦎🎂🧃

OMG ASLDFKJHASLKDJH

🥺 i’m so sorry bby but matchups are closed ;-; my 100 follower event was over while ago (i guess i should’ve specified that in the asks i answered LKSAJHFLKJAHDS SORRY IT’S MY BAD) but you sound so cool?? i had a lot of the same hyperfixations interests (heLLO helen keller was badass AF and the roman empire was messed up but still v cool, anne frank was awesome too) i also may or may not have wanted to be a politician when i was younger alskdjfhalkdhj but now i’m just 🧍🏻‍♀️ lost and anyways you’re amazing >.< love u lots and don’t forget to drink water and eat a lil something hehe :p 

[ghostmartyr]

I haven't read many of your metas or replies so I'm sorry if this has been discussed ad nauseam, but a lot (and I mean A LOT) of readers are saying that this genuinely was the only choice Eren could have made here. I personally think that's a crock of shit, there are a million things you try before jumping to global genocide, but I feel like that is genuinely what EREN believes and that's the narrative perspective we've been given so it's hard to conceive of alternatives (cont.)

      ��    (cont.) from our limited vantage point (which is also a criticism on my part of how Eren has handled this, I mean think of all the shit Hange could have preempted if she knew what Eren knew through Paths/memories - screaming "if there's another way then tell me what it is!" to someone you've actively kept in the dark is a dick move any day of the week). In your opinion, what do you think could or should have been Paradis' alternatives that maybe we're just not seeing as readers?             

If your only option is genocide, you have no options.

That is the only place where I feel like Eren’s actions become understandable. Powerlessness when you should be the most powerful person on the face of the planet is one hell of a trip, and descending into a place where the world is so awful that it should just burn--

Yeah, I get that.

Only that isn’t how Eren’s coming across. I buy that whatever he’s doing, he believes it’s his final option, but his commitment to genocide rings false.

...Getting to the actual question, though, uh.

Start at Not This, then arrange the list from there.

I am not good at this kind of thing, so glaring obliviousness likely to follow.

I think if I were writing this story, sending out scouts to search for allies is a fine start. I also think that Willy announcing to the world that Karl Fritz sought peace is exactly where Eren should have called his murder spree off. Willy is the closest to beloved an Eldian can get in the outside world. He is a good mouthpiece for their suffering.

Paradis could have easily worked with that. Marley declares war, and instead of responding with violence, you have the person he’s pinning all the blame on show up, and tell him to fuck off, they don’t want death either.

As much as the outside world has learned to hate the island, they don’t like Marley either.

Paradis has the means to get their people in and out of Liberio; they could have silently abducted Zeke, giving them the means to activate the walls, and made their intent for peace public.

This would be the Come At Me Bro plan.

Willy says he wants more sympathy for Eldians? Cool. Paradis backs that. But hey that guy you’re saying stole the King’s power? Not how that went down. Also, Marley went on a secret mission trying to steal our island’s resources, and we find that upsetting.

Then--and this is important--no one kills anyone.

The world has just played witness to Marley declaring war on yet another people who want them to fuck off, and had the revelation that Marley already began this war years ago, without the island seeking their rightful retaliation.

Have Eren transform in front of everyone, and attack no one. Have him escort one key official from the island, deliver a signed statement with the Queen’s seal asking for peace to a reporter, and get out. Have Armin blocking off the bay.

Make a massive show of force after Willy declares war, and make it even clearer that Marley is beneath them. Use Titans to drive the point home further; Marley has done nothing but viciously attack surrounding nations with their Titans. Paradis brings theirs, and it’s the first time in decades anyone’s seen one without bloodshed following.

And if anyone tries to start something, wake up the walls, but keep them still.

Let the first message in a hundred years be that yes, the island is just as powerful and as threatening as you’ve all been told--and until you give us a reason to attack, we won’t.

Want some iceburst rock?

This gives the countries of the world some concerns. A new player is in town. All their worst nightmares might come true.

But Paradis has resources, and they have power.

Whatever results, there’s no guarantee of the rest of the world uniting to demolish the island. They’ve been happy to let it sit for over a hundred years. It’s been a political tool, not an entity anyone save for Marley cares about.

There would be discussion. With one Colossus having already made an appearance, nearby countries have to worry about more. There could be no united front against the island. Everyone would be aware that everyone else could decide to take a chance on the newcomers. They’d have to consider the possibility themselves.

They’d have to consider that there could be advantages.

The longer the debate goes on, the longer Paradis proves its lack of interest in starting wars. Marley is the only country champing at the bit to go after them, and Marley has burned most of its bridges with its warmongering. Allying with Paradis could mean turning the vile Titan force against Marley for once. Especially with Paradis so emphatically displeased at their past acts of terrorism; there’s no need to fear the two Titan superpowers teaming up.

Even if they’re not sure they have access to the rumbling, the bluff holds up. No one wants to antagonize the island. In canon, the island comes antagonizing the rest of the world, so the rest of the world realizes it’s time to get rid of it. In this make believe world, these countries are being presented with the choice of going after an island full of thousands of titans that could easily destroy the entire world--when so far, everything’s been chill.

Additionally, Paradis could make a blanket offer to take in all Eldian refugees. Most countries don’t want them. Paradis has a lot of land they’re not using, and the offer of a home where these people won’t face prejudice. There are already movements to protect subjects of Ymir. Paradis can do that.

That carries the risk of people accusing them of amassing strength, but really, what more do they need? They have the rumbling. A few extra bodies are meaningless.

Flying ships for spectating the walls are a thing. Invite reporters up in them and give them a tour.

Become known.

It would still take a long time, and the complications are endless, but that’s international policy for you.

The key would be to make a clear message; “We don’t want to fight, and if we did fight, we would win. Every time.”

AKA, “Don’t fuck with us.”

That’s worked for a hundred years without reinforcement.

Heck, if Willy and Zeke hadn’t pushed for another stab at the island, maybe it would have worked for another hundred.

Eren takes the world hating them as the stopping point. It needed to be a starting point, however they played it.

Again, I’m bad at this stuff, but Eren leaves after one international meeting.

Yeah, a hundred years of scapegoating is a lot to contend with, but it’s also been a hundred years of no one from the island complaining. Get in there and work with it.

Then if that still doesn’t work, you die trying to find something that does.

Something not genocide for once, given that every single problem in this world has been caused by genocide.

Thanks for the ask--and no, I don’t think this has come up much yet. You got in before the inevitable rush.

[ailec-12]

Don't ask me what crossed my mind to think of this, but 12 from the touch prompts... with Robin and Zelena in your Greenie series. 💚

Thank you for this prompt, it was a really cool challenge! It turned out a lot longer than I’d planned and I hope you like it. 💚

Also posted on AO3.

12. Leaning on a Shoulder + Anatomy of a Home (aka the Greenie series)

"Robin, I... I need– I need help."

Zelena feels pathetic as soon as she says it. Fortunately, she is on the phone, so Robin cannot see frustration and shame warring on her face. She shuts her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. She reminds herself she has no other option.

"Zelena? Where are you?"

"At the animal shelter. Bring whatever you need to... to pick a lock."

"Are you all right?" There is obvious concern in his voice and Zelena squeezes her eyes shut more tightly for a very different reason.

"Yeah, I am. Just, um, hurry up?"

She cringes a little at her own hesitance, but Robin only reassures her that he will be there before hanging up. She sighs and looks up at the vandalized front door of the shelter.

They have the right to be angry, Zelena firmly tells herself once more. She has terrorised these people, has hurt them. Regina and Henry and the rest of their family may have either forgiven her or just been willing to turn the page and behave decently, but no one is forced to do so. Enduring their anger is part of her atonement. Regina has not told her, but Zelena thinks her sister feels similarly.

A few minutes later, and to her immense relief, Robin finally arrives. He comes on foot, since only Regina owns a car in the family. Although driving is hard, Zelena would like to have a car when she finally gets the hang of it.

"Hey, what's the matter?"

He looks her up and down, as if to make sure she is okay. She thinks she may be blushing slightly, but tries not to think of it in order to avoid making it worse.

"Someone had fun last night," she says, shrugging and pointing at the lock.

"Is that glue?" he asks. His eyes match the surprise in his voice and she offers a curt nod as she keeps her own eyes on the door.

Zelena would like to believe she does not have to feel ashamed of finding herself in this situation —after all, she is not the one stopping people from doing their jobs—, but in a way it is her fault. Surely the Saviour does not deal with this shit.

"Can you... Uh, can you fix it?"

He strokes his beard, pensive.

"I can't pick it like that. I think you'll need to replace it."

She bites her lip. She does not want to call either of the two locksmiths in Storybrooke —they are a couple that cannot stand her. Robin notices her reluctance and puts a hand on her arm without warning. Right away, she flinches the slightest bit. She knows she is safe with him, but her body seems to forget sometimes. She looks him in the eye, smiling half apologetically, half embarrassedly. Overall, she is grateful to have him here. He smiles back.

"Can't you... Can't you fix it with magic?" He is hesitant to ask her and she feels even more ridiculous.

"I... don't know? I don't use it that much. It gets out of control sometimes. What if I blow it up?"

He chuckles, so she relaxes somewhat.

"You've got a point. I'm sure Regina wouldn't mind helping out, though."

It takes a moment for her to gather her courage before speaking up.

"I'd rather not tell her," she says quietly, looking away again.

"She won't mind," he repeats, but she shakes her head.

There is a long silence while they both think of something else to say. Robin manages to find his words first.

"So, I guess there's only one thing left to try."

He lets her go and points at the lock. Zelena really, really hates having no choice. She sighs.

"You're right. Stay away, just in case..."

"You blow it up, I know." His smile grows wider. "You can do this."

His confidence is both uplifting and nerve-wrecking. Her hand shakes when it hovers over the lock. Her magic does not come as readily as before, it is not as obedient.

Zelena's own fear might be playing a part in this, so she pushes the feeling away and focuses on the substance stuck in the lock.

(She is very tempted to draw on her anger, to picture herself viciously unleashing some revenge on those brats, but she pushes down that feeling, too, burying it deeper than any other.)

She does get most of the glue out of the lock eventually, but it is a very slow, frustrating process. She needs all her discipline to keep magic under her command and, when she is finally done, she feels like weeping because she used to be so powerful and this is what she has been reduced to. However, instead of dwelling on these thoughts, she turns around and makes sure to put on her best face.

“There, all done,” she announces, conveying the barest hint of pride in her voice. “I’m so sorry for having bothered you, Robin.”

“It was no bother,” he assures her.

She forces herself to widen her smile, wondering if she will be able to convince him to keep this silly secret between the two of them.

“Still, thank you for coming. Would you care for a cup of tea?”

“Sure.”

She used to carry a thermos bottle with her, but Tink came by one day and decided it would be much more convenient to have a little machine to heat water and make coffee as well. Zelena has yet to learn whether it was the fairy or her sister the one to buy it, but the machine was in her office the following day.

There is a slightly awkward silence while they wait for the water to boil. She longs to pretend to be busy by arranging the papers on her desk or visiting the animals in her care, but she knows a conversation must happen. She lets out a short sigh.

“We agree Regina doesn’t need to hear about this, right?”

“There’s nothing bad about her knowing, Zelena. This wasn’t your fault.”

‘Wasn’t it?’ she wants to shoot back, but she bites her tongue.

“Of course,” she says instead. “It doesn’t matter, though, so I don’t want her to make a big deal out of it.”

“You mean she’ll want to talk about it.”

Zelena rolls her eyes, as if it were not the exact thing she would like to avoid.

“She should know,” Robin goes on after a moment, “in case it doesn’t stop in a jammed lock.”

For some reason, she gets fed up with his concern right at this point. She clenches her jaw and stalks towards him.

“Contrary to popular opinion, I’m an adult and I do not need someone else’s protection. I don’t want Regina to know and that’s all.”

As usual, Robin fails to rise to the bait. He walks past her and takes the cups with hot water out of the machine. Displaying absolute calmness, he puts a teabag in each cup and hands out one to her. She does not take it.

“Regina won’t blame you. She can probably understand what you’re going through,” he insists, quite stubbornly in her opinion. Frowning, he leaves her cup on the desk. “You don’t wish to be understood.”

“I don’t deserve it and I can live with that,” she retorts, making his frown deepen.

“Zelena, it was just a prank, not a divine punishment.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” she cannot help exploding at last. Of all the thieves, her sister had to fall in love with the goodiest two-shoes Zelena has ever met. It is frankly infuriating. “I am aware I deserve worse and I’m aware it’s thanks to Regina I was left off the hook. I can stand a few pranks, I’m not going to break down.”

Yet, there is a catch in her voice and her eyes sting. When she attempts to dry her unshed tears, they spill out, so the only thing she can do is cover her face with her hands. She lets out a quiet breath —sob— before she feels someone else embrace her. It is very different from Regina’s or Henry’s hugs, but also just as warm. For less than a second, she lets herself get lost in the feeling. Then, she recovers her good sense.

She makes a feeble attempt to push him away, but he says ‘It’s all right’ and she loses the battle before starting to fight it. She lets her forehead rest on his shoulder and takes a shuddering breath. Another sob gets out.

“Please, don’t tell her,” she whispers. She feels his sigh rather than hear it.

“I won’t,” he concedes. He lets the silence sink in for a while, as long as she needs to get her bearings. “I promise I won’t. Regina’s not the only person you can talk to, though. You can always come to me. You’ll find no judgement.”

Against her better judgement, she nods against his shoulder, allowing herself to rest there for a little bit longer. She may be unable to meet his gaze, but she hopes he knows she accepts and appreciates his support anyway.

Fancy a touch prompt?

[breadkneewrites]

Keep Yourself Alive

kathleen aka @losingmymindtonight i borrowed this scene-by-scene style from you and was slightly inspired so this is for you, my love. ily ❤🤠

..

It takes a month for Tony to notice something’s wrong. 

It’s been a month since Peter’s death was reversed, and Tony just now noticed something’s wrong. 

I guess you could it boil it down to ‘he’s a bad father (-figure).’

..

A week after Peter is brought back and carefully swaddled in blankets on Tony’s couch, Tony notices that the kid carries around one of his blankets. 

It’s a ratty, old thing that smells like stale whiskey (from worse times -- before Peter) and is covered in not-a-few stains (nothing disgusting, mind you). Pepper gave it to Tony a few months after her initial signing as his personal assistant, claiming, “ you needed some blankets to make your house a home.” At the time, he thought it irrational and used it only when he was having a bad day. 

Now, it seems, the old thing has a new owner. Pepper notices every night when she comes home from the office. She tucks it further around Peter’s shoulders, plants a quick kiss on the his head, and passes to change into her sweatpants and slippers.

Honestly, Tony just thought the blanket thing was similar to how children carry around a teddy bear when they’re, like, two. One night he asked Pete about it, and the kid shrugged it off.

“I can buy you a new one. You don’t gotta use that old thing. Pepper gave me that years ago.”

“I like it,” Peter said plainly, shrugging. The blanket was tightened around his shoulders as he said so. The motion seemed protective, like the old cloth was going to be stolen from him. Tony just stretched his hand to ruffle the kid’s hair lightly, ignoring the way Peter’s soft flinch made his heart twinge. 

“Alright, but let it be washed with tomorrow’s laundry. It smells of booze.” Tony paused, his eyes crinkling with a smile, “my fault.” 

“I don’t mind it.” Peter doesn’t seem to have anything else to say after that.

Tony draws his hand away and lets it fall to his side. 

..

Two weeks after Peter is brought back, Tony sees the kid biting his nails. 

It started as a small thing. Tony would see the kid pick at his thumb and gently slap his hand away from his mouth. He usually followed this up with a joke.

“You’re gonna lose all your nails there, Pete.”

“What? Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing it.” Peter drops his hand and wipes the spots of blood on his blanket. Tony watches him do so, idly wondering if the blanket’s been washed yet. 

“You gonna stain my blanket too?”

“Sorry, Mr. Stark!” Peter jumps off the couch and runs the blanket to the kitchen sink, throwing it under the hot water. He recoils with a hiss as it hits his hand. Tony rushed forward to inspect the burns. 

“Hey, you alright, kid?” He flips Peter’s hands and notes the way the nails have been chewed to shreds. Deciding not to comment on them (he’s pretty sure Peter’s not in the mood for a little lecture), he reaches behind the kid to turn off the water. 

“I’m fine,” he mumbles. The blanket is partially soaked now, and Peter looks at it. His shoulders tense briefly. “I’ll just hang it up to dry. The blood’s probably gone now.” He pulls his hands away from Tony and gathers up his blanket (it’s far, far too big for him). 

Tony watches him stumble to the living room.

..

Three weeks after Peter’s brought back, the nightmares start. 

The kid’s always had nightmares, always about his Uncle Ben or Aunt May, so Tony honestly doesn’t think much more of them. It’s become habit for him to wake up in the middle of the night (or, more recently, stay awake) and rush into Peter’s room to pull him into an awkward hug. The kid sobs and shakes as he struggles to explain what happened in the nightmares each night, and Tony tries to soothe him.

“Shush, Pete. You don’t gotta tell me. Just breathe, okay?” Peter would never answer, but stops trying to tell Tony what’d happened. Now, he just curls against Tony’s side and digs his fingers into whatever shirt Tony is wearing as he tries to catch his breath. Tony always feels warm when he does that. 

Maybe he’s just selfish.

Tony will brush the curls off Peter’s sweaty forehead as he struggles to pull Peter into a more comfortable hug. Some nights, however, Peter is violent. 

Tony shuffles in the room and quietly tries to soothe the kid by waking him with a gentle shake, moving to curl into the bed with him, and Peter will claw his way out of his grip. He scratches (he doesn’t really have fingernails that can hurt anymore) and scrambles to get away from Tony, his body a wreck of shivers. 

Sometimes, Tony has to wrestle Peter into his hold to get him to stop yanking at his own hair, pulling at it like it will snap him out of his fear. The screaming is the worst. Peter will scream in absolute terror, the sound gut-wrenching, and throw himself to the other side of the bed. Away from Tony. Am I the monster?

It takes a while for Peter’s eyes to clear up, the confusion and fear gone, and he chooses to crush himself against Tony in a smothering apology. His throat is too destroyed to say anything, so he just attaches himself to Tony’s side and curls his fist into the man’s shirt.

Those nights, Tony is reminded how he’s a bad father (-figure). (He would never call Pete his kid - he obviously wouldn’t want him to.)

After Peter is calmed, he will silently detach himself from Tony’s side and sink into his mountain of blankets (more had joined the first). 

Tony gets up and leaves the room.

..

A month after Peter’s brought back, the panic attacks start.

Usually, they’re short and sweet. He sees something that reminds him of Titan -- of space and the war he wasn’t meant to fight -- and he’ll start breathing heavily. His hands shake and he curls them into fists, the blanket is wrapped more firmly around his shoulders, and he cries. Tony sits next to him and talk about things that are not related to the attack, rubbing his back in slow circles. 

Pepper thinks Tony needs to put the kid into therapy. He needs it. He does, and Tony knows it. But he’s already considered himself a bad father (-figure), and Peter already declined the offer, so Tony just tucks his feet up on the couch next to Peter, turns on Star Wars, and talks shit about the plot-holes. 

“This isn’t even a plot hole,” Tony begins, the blanket scratchy on his hand as he rubs comforting circles on Peter’s shaking back, “but why the fuck do the Stormtroopers always miss? Solo is right there? He’s literally right there.” He points for emphasis and Peter follows the direction of his hand to the screen. A smile briefly twitches his lips. A better attack then. 

“I-It’s science fiction,” Peter retorts. Tony ignores the stuttering (he’s learned that’s another way to just throw his progress backwards) and opens his palm in exasperation as Han Solo dodges yet another laser-bullet-thing. 

“It’s dumb. Anyone could’ve made that shot.” Pete just sends him a watery smile and draws his ragged blanket closer. Tony keeps rubbing his back, well-aware of the bumps he can feel on his spine. Not eating enough. Gotta tell Pepper this one. She’s gonna freak. 

Twenty minutes later, Tony drops his hand and Peter shoves his legs onto Tony’s lap. 

..

It takes one month, four days, and several nights of sleeplessness for Peter to finally tell Tony what’s wrong.

It’s nothing he didn’t already know. He knows the tell-tale signs of PTSD. Hell, he struggles with it every damn day. But he wanted Peter to tell him. To come clean -- to ask for help. It’s what he needed to do. Shoving the kid into a therapist’s office and a handful of pills wasn’t going to help the kid grow from his trauma. It’d just hide it. 

Then again, Tony’s never been good at handling his own problems. He’s probably just wrong. 

“Mr. Stark?” Tony glances over at Peter one day while tinkering on a new suit. It’s nearly finished, but it’s not like anyone but Tony could see that. Parts were strewn around the lab haphazardly. Peter hugs his blanket tighter, his chewed fingernails digging into the scratchy material. “Can we talk?”

Tony tosses his screwdriver onto the nearest table and wipes his hands on his work cloth. “Yeah, Pete, what’s up?” Peter’s eyes flick around the room, full of internalized panic. Dread creeps up Tony’s spine.

“I think,” the kid pauses, swallows, and continues. “I think I need help?” His tone raises in a question as he drops his eyes to Tony’s new suit and back up to settle them on his mentor’s face. “I don’t know what to do.”

Tony moves to gently wrap his arm around Peter’s bicep and tugs him towards a couch he had put in the lab so Peter could sit and talk to Tony as he works. After settling on the couch and tucking his socked feet under his body, Peter twists to look at Tony, determined. “I need help,” he repeats. 

“Alright, but you’re going to have to give me more to work on than just that, Pete.”

“I-” Peter scrambles for a place to begin. “I can’t sleep, at night, and-” Tony keeps quiet as the kid tries to sputter his way through this. He needs to be able to say it (at least, he thinks the kid’s supposed to). “I think I need help,” Peter just says lamely. It takes a couple of pauses for him to continue.

“Ever since what happened with Thanos, I can’t stop thinking about it. Dying. I’m scared, Mr. Stark. I can’t--” he waves his hand around in an attempt to explain, “I don’t know what to do.”

Tony moves to wrap the kid in a crushing hug. “Just saying it, Pete, is a good start.” That’s all the kid needs to spill everything left unsaid.

“I keep using this blanket to hide, because I feel like he’s gonna get me. I can’t stop biting my nails because if I do, then I won’t know if I can still bleed or if I’m still dust.” Tony tightens his grip at that one. “The nightmares,” Peter chokes out, “are always of him. Titan. The snap. You--” 

It feels like a cold slap to the face, but he should’ve expected it, honestly. Of course Peter is terrified of him. He’s a monster. He let Peter die. Let him fade into dust-- didn’t help him-- let him fall--

“--you dying.” Peter finishes, snatching Tony’s attention. “Mr. Stark, I don’t want you to die.” Somehow, in Peter’s confession, he’d pressed closer to Tony so he could curl that fingernail-bitten wrist into his sweaty, dirty shirt. 

“I’m not going to die, you hear me? I’m right here.”

Peter falls asleep curled next to Tony, his face stained with tears. Tony drops his hand from the kid’s back. After a moment’s thought, he decides to put it back.

..

Tony Stark may be a bad father (figure), but as he moves to wrap the blanket around both him and his kid, he feels like everything will be alright. He might not know what to do about his own PTSD, let alone Peter’s, but they’ll get there somehow, someday. Tomorrow, he’ll ask Peter about joint therapy.

They’ll get through it. Together. 

Maybe he’s not so bad of a father after all. 

(He’s never been right before.)

[briyourmotherdown]

Put On A Show, Darling - Chapter 2

Pairing: Brian May/Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3196

Warnings: Language, mentions of anxiety, alcohol, little bit of angst

Description: You and Brian have been best friends for over five years now, and you’ve loved him during most of that time. While you’ve been agonising over your hidden feelings, Brian’s gone and got himself a girlfriend. A serious one.

A/N: Hey all :) These first couple of chapters feel a little shitty due to the fact I wrote them quite a few months ago. This fic is based off of an idea I thought of awhile back, and I'm only just going back to it now. Future chapters should be a bit better written and have more structure. Thank you for understanding! 

   A few days pass of the same routine. Wake up, make breakfast with Brian, act as if nothing ever happened, go to class, go to work, and hide away your deep affection for someone you cannot, and never will have.  

  How fun.

  But now it’s shrove Tuesday, AKA pancake day, and Brian and you have a tradition of making pancakes together for dinner. You know you can’t avoid him. Traditions are very important to both you and him, but god, you wish you could. You really wish you could. The last thing you wanted to do was be domestic with him. To feel like a couple making dinner for each other when you knew nothing could ever happen.

   You both stand in front of the bathroom mirror, silence between you except for The Hollies playing softly in the room over.  He starts to hum the tune as he brushes his teeth, watching you apply your makeup in the mirror’s reflection. He spits out the toothpaste into the sink, wiping his mouth with a towel before turning to you,

  “Hey, so about today.”

  “Yeah, are you gonna go buy the ingredients or am I? Because we’re out of flour.” You swipe mascara over your lashes, lips slightly parted in concentration.

  He scratches the back of his neck, “Uh, actually Dani wants me to go over to hers today and make pancakes with her...can you believe she’s never celebrated pancake day?”

  You pause, hand stilling, “Oh.”

  “I’m really sorry, I know we have a tradition but she-“

  “It’s fine, don’t worry.” You don't dare to look at him, not even in the reflection of the mirror. You fear that if you did, you’d either start crying, or you’d throw a punch.

   It may sound silly, but today really means a lot to you. For the past five and a half years you’ve known each other, you’ve always spent pancake day throwing flour at each other and creating a humongous mess that you’d both inevitably have to clean up afterwards.

   “Are you..are you sure?”

  “Of course.” You push out, finally glancing into the mirror to see his face. You regret doing so instantly. The look of concern on his face could haunt you. He had killer puppy dog eyes.

  “Okay, good. Thanks love, I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” Before you can respond, he bolts out of the bathroom, getting dressed to leave.

  When you hear the front door slam finally, you let out a breath, the hurt and irritation finally sinking in.

  I guess I’m just going to have to make myself the most damn delicious pancakes ever.

   The fluorescent lights of your local grocery store don’t do much to help your growing migraine, and the bottles of hard liquor in your basket definitely won’t do anything to aid either. You’ve paid for all the ingredients you need for some mind-blowing pancakes (including the bottle of tequila), and you’re fully prepared to wallow in your sorrows the moment you step back through the door of your apartment. You had class earlier in the morning, so now you were home free and very much alone for the rest of the night.  You have time to waste, and you plan to spend that time getting mind-numbingly drunk.

  The top of the tequila is quickly popped off as you plop onto the sofa, not bothering with a glass as you gulp some of it down, wincing. “Holy shit.”

  The tiny TV that Brian brought home one day is flicked on, reruns of cheesy sitcoms flashing across the screen.

  “It’s just you and me it seems.” You lift up your bottle of tequila, taking another swig and grimacing once again, “And you never get easier to get down.”

  Ah, the perfect way to pass time.

   And you’re right, because two hours pass rather quickly when you’re laughing and getting drunk. But now you’re starving. Absolutely ravenous, and a stack of warm pancakes sounds fucking mouth-watering right now. The only bad part is that you’re alone, and you actually have to make the pancakes yourself.

  You groan into your hands but nevertheless stand up, stumbling slightly and giggling as you make your way to the kitchen. The bottle of tequila is empty, and you crack open the next bottle, vodka. This time you actually mix the fiery liquid with some tonic water, sipping at the glass as you lay out your ingredients.

  “Okay. Flour, eggs...” You hiccup, beginning to mix the ingredients together haphazardly. You’re definitely not following any recipe and you’re definitely just hoping that you’re lucky and they’ll come out the way Brian makes them. Brian is unusually good at making pancakes, so good that he’s always the one cooking on pancake day as you set up all the toppings.

  But he’s not here, and you’re left with a batter that seems far too runny and a mess that you’ll have to clean up alone. You really aren’t a bad cook, actually whipping up some delicious dishes quite often, but pancakes, for some reason were just not one of your strong suits.  Flour was all across the island, smeared across your cheek, and dusted in your hair.

  “Ow!” You yelp, nursing your now burnt finger in your hand. Why you thought it was a good idea to test to see if the pan was hot enough by using your finger beats you, but you did. The batter is poured into the pan, and you leave it to cook for a minute as you take a few more sips of your drink. You’re steadily drunk now, but refuse to admit it to yourself.

   With all your effort, your burnt finger, and the large mess in the kitchen, you prayed that the pancakes would be good, simply so that you could rub it in Brian and Dani’s face. But despite all of that, you turned the heat up too high, the pancake quickly blackening and smoking, the odour hitting your nose as you hurry to turn the heat off and lift the pan off the heat quickly. Burning yourself again in the process, you shriek and drop the pan onto the tile. The food is so burnt that when it hits the ground, it practically shatters, sending black dust everywhere.  

   The apartment falls silent, and you stare at the scene around you before the tears hit you like a tidal wave. A Tsunami of drunken emotion over a burnt pancake, the probably chipped tile, your now stinging fingers, and the fact that Brian is with Dani possibly eating his goddamn delicious pancakes. Despite the tears streaming down your face and the mascara burning your eyes, you drunkenly laugh at the scene around you.

  You know that feeling when life just seems so unbelievably fucked, so surreal, that you can’t help but laugh? You could quite possibly be going mad, but you push that thought to the side as you go into hysterics.

  Apparently some higher power has it in for you tonight though when the front door screeches open, the voice of the one and only Brian May ringing through the apartment, “I’m just back to pick up-, is something burning?”

  He rushes to find you, jaw dropping as he takes in the war zone of what used to be a kitchen. His eyes scan over the flour-covered island, to the empty bottle of tequila, to the pan on the floor, and then to where you are sunken onto the floor in a puddle of drunken despair.

  “Bloody hell, what happened here?”

  “Someone up above really isn’t on my team.”

   He notices the slur in your words, sighing and kneeling down next to you, “Are you drunk?”

   “No?”

  He purses his lips and shakes his head, “Alright, up you get.” Gently grabbing  you by your forearms, he lifts you onto your feet. You stumble into him and he lets out a sound of surprise, pulling you to his torso to balance you. Your entire front is pressed against his, and you giggle.

  “Someone’s feeling a bit frisky today.” You grin drunkenly at him, eyes glazed over, reaching up to tap his nose with your pointer finger.

  “Christ, how much did you drink?” He can’t help but let out a chuckle at how shitfaced you are, but he’s concerned. He’s only ever seen you this drunk twice in the time he’s known you. Once when you failed your finals, and once when an ex tried to come back into your life and inevitably screwed you over. So it’s no surprise that he’s worried. The only times you’ve been this wasted, something was really affecting you.

  “Only like...a bottle? Or so?”  You cling onto the material of his shirt as he attempts to walk you both to the bathroom, struggling as he trips over your feet a few times.

 “Christ.” He sighs.

 How he gets you both to the bathroom, he’s not quite sure, but he sits you on the lid of the toilet as he runs a bath.

  “I’m going to go call Dani and tell her that I won’t be able to make it. Stay here and don’t move, alright? Don’t want you somehow drowning yourself.”

  “Aye aye captain!” You salute him, and he rolls his eyes before exiting the bathroom.

  You stay seated on the toilet seat, swaying side to side ever so slightly as you attempt to eavesdrop on Brian. You can just barely hear him over the splash of running water.

  “I’m really sorry, she’s drunk- yeah, I know. I’ll make it up...something is wrong…” You can’t really make out what he’s saying, it just sounds like a bunch of jumbled words. With a huff, you give up and wait for him to return.

 He walks back in holding a couple of towels, setting them on the sink before kneeling next to the bathtub. He grabs a purple bottle and pours some of the liquid under the running water, a floral scent filling the room. When he stands back up, you notice how he looks even taller in the confined space of your bathroom. He could easily touch both sides of the room if he spread his arms. You stifle a giggle.

   “What’s so funny, huh?” He leans against the sink as he narrows his eyes in your direction.

  “You’re tall.” You laugh, swaying side to side. Somehow in your drunken state, what you said was absolutely hilarious to you.

  “I’m quite aware of this.” He sighs.

  “Like a tree.”

  “Hey, rude.” He pouts, but can’t help the small smile on his lips as he looks down at you.

  Your laughing slows to a giggle and you close your eyes with a hum. He doesn’t notice the bath filling too high as he scans over your features. Hair failing in front of your eyes, a bit of flour still smeared over your cheek, lips pouting ever so slightly. You look beautifully natural, and he furrows his brows at you.

  What’s going on in that head of yours?

  When he finally glances back over to the bath, he swears and quickly shuts the nearly-overflowing tap off before running to fetch you a glass of water. He has to dodge a burnt pancake on the way to the sink, shaking his head at your foolishness.

  When he returns, you open your eyes, “Is that vodka?”

  He swats away your grabby hands, “No, it’s water. Drink up.”

  You pout, but take the water from his hands, gulping it down quickly and spilling some down your front. Once the glass is drained, you look back up to see him staring disapprovingly down at you.

  “Is the bath for you? Stinky.” You ask him with yet another giggle.

 “You’re a child.” He tuts with amusement, “Get in, you smell like death and burnt pancake.”

  Sticking your tongue out in defiance, you stand up. “I wouldn’t have burned the pancake if you weren’t out with Dani.”

  His eyebrows furrow at your inflection, “What’s that supposed to mean?” You don’t answer.

 “Woah, Y/N, what are you doing?”

  You begin undressing, lifting your t-shirt over your head and leaving you in your bra. “What? Do you bathe fully clothed? I always knew you were an alien.”

  His words don’t come out clearly as his mouth is dry, his eyes shamelessly scanning over your exposed skin, though you don’t realise.

  “I-fuck, hold on.” He turns away to face the wall, hiding his red cheeks and also giving you privacy. “Tell me when you’re under the bubbles..”  

  He really didn’t think this through. Of course you’d have to get naked to have a bath, why didn’t he think of that before he ran you one? Thankfully he went overboard with the bubble bath, dumping in enough of the liquid to last a year.

  You’re too drunk to even register what you’re doing as you strip down to nothing and step into the hot water. You would never dream of being this bold sober, but you slide down into the bubbles with a contented sigh, calling out to him, “I’m covered,” you scoop up a handful of suds, “Wow, this is a lot of bubbles.”

  He turns around and scans over the bath, making sure that you are indeed covered, and smiling endearingly down at you. You’re entirely engulfed in bubbles, all the way up to your chin. You’ve placed a blob of suds on top of your head, grinning like a child back up at him.

 But he needs to know what you meant by what you said, something in his gut is making him uneasy. Why have you been acting this way?

  “What did you mean by what you said, Y/N?” He asks, the tone becoming serious as he sits down on the lid of the toilet seat. The suds fall off of your head and you frown.

 “By what?” You feign innocence, swishing your feet around the hot water and sinking down lower to wet your hair.

 “You know exactly what.”

You turn to him, scooping up some bubbles and flinging them at him. He makes a sound of disgruntlement as it lands directly on the front of his shirt.

 “Y/N!” He scolds, swiping it off of his clothes and attempting to throw it back at you, but it sticks to his hands before landing on his lap.

  “What did you mean earlier, about Dani.” His shoulders slump in defeat, rubbing the now deflated pile of bubbles into his trousers.

  The sound of the water sloshing in the tub along with the gentle drips of the leaking tap that you most definitely should get fixed is all to be heard as you think over your answer in silence.  

  “Just meant that my best friend missed out on pancake day is all.”

 The answer is short and simple, and Brian knows deep down that you are holding something back, but in the moment he decides not to push.

So with a long sigh, he drops his head so that his curls shadow his eyes, “I’m sorry about that. I just- I thought-.” He pauses for thought, your stomach churning with what can either be the alcohol or the heavy feeling of rejection you always get when you’re around Brian. Right now, you can’t decipher which is making you feel the most dizzy.

  He rubs at his eyes with his knuckles, tilting his head back up to meet your gaze. “You said it was fine this morning.”

  It’s your turn to sigh, a long drawn out sigh, as you lean your head back to rest on the uncomfortable porcelain coated steel. What could you possibly say to that?

  I said that because I’m desperately trying to hide how much I care for you as more than a friend, but you’re too blind to see that I die a little bit every time you look at me and at this point it’s getting ridiculous.

  “It’s just tradition, that’s why I was upset. It’s no big deal, it sounds stupid now.”

  Brian sits in silence, his lips pursed as he silently begs you to just be honest. He isn’t even sure what he wants you to say. He just knows that you’re not being truthful.

  “Are you sure?”

 You close your eyes in attempt to stop the spinning of the small room. The heaviness of his gaze lingers on your face, you can practically feel it.

  “Yes.”

  He sighs, nodding his head and pursing his lips. He looks as though he’s trying to reassure himself that you’re telling the truth. The room is so hot, you notice, and you are starting to sweat. Suddenly there are too many bubbles around you and the smell of soap is too strong. Your stomach churns, your head spins, you’re panicking.

  Brian notices your face go pale, “Are you alright-”

  “Get out.” it comes out harsh as you panic, breath coming out in hurried pants..

  “What-”

  “Brian, get out!”:

  He stands up, scurrying out of the small bathroom and you are finally able to lift yourself out of the tub. The cool air hits your naked form and offers slight relief, but the room still spins, you feel sick. You grip the edge of the sink, knuckles turning white as you stare at yourself in the mirror. Water drips from your skin onto the floor, but you don’t care. You recognise this feeling, you’ve had it before.

  You’re having a panic attack.

 The spinning subsides enough for you to grab a towel, and you dry yourself off before dressing into the pyjamas Brian left out for you. You try to clean up your mess and unplug the bath plug, before sitting on the toilet seat and watching it drain.

  You feel the effects of the panic attack fade slightly as you only focus on the spinning water, the after effects of an attack taking its place. Sadness, defeat. You’re not drunk anymore.

  You just want your bed. That’s all. You don’t want to face Brian, you don’t want to think about him, you don’t want to imagine him and Dani. You just want to sleep. You’re never lonely in your dreams. You’re never sad.

  When you sneak out of the bathroom, Brian is already in his room, allowing you to slip into your bedroom unnoticed. Your bed is beyond inviting, and you plop yourself down with a sigh. The cold sheets sooth your burning skin, lulling you into the state between sleep and consciousness.

     “You alright?” Brian asks from the doorway and you flinch. You hadn’t even heard him knock.

  He ignores the elephant in the room, and you’re thankful. You don’t feel like explaining to him what pushed you to the point of a panic attack.

  “Mmph.” You grumble.

  “I put some ibuprofen and water next to your bed, you’ll need it.”

  “Thanks.” You mumble simply, your eyelids fluttering closed.

  “I won’t be here in the morning. Dani wants to meet for breakfast.”

  He waits for your reply, but you fake sleep, forcing out a few light snores to convince him.

   But he’s not convinced, letting out a sigh.

  “Goodnight, Y/N.”

  You never snore.