#alright I am feeling more motivated to step away from the internet before this gets out of control

[friend-crow]

What is your favorite thing to eat?

How about you quit sending me weird sexual innuendos? How about that??

[flowerpowell]

The Royal Holiday Romance (Liam x MC)

PART FIVE

A/N: We’re almost done with this mini series! Thank you to everyone who leaves feedback - it’s such a motivation to keep writing! I hope you’ll enjoy this chapter as well!

Rating: G

Tagging: @gardeningourmet​ @delightfullypinkglitter​ @twinkleallnight​ @kingliam-rys​ @sfb123​ @iaminlovewithtrr​ @gkittylove99​ @texaskitten30​ @kingliam2019​ @queen-arabella-of-cordonia​ @lodberg​ @shanzay44​ ❣

“Lunch?”

Victoria smiled at the message Liam just sent her. She had just shot her scene of the day and was packing her bag to head back to the hotel.

“Gladly.”

“I can be at your hotel in twenty minutes, is that alright?”

“Perfect :)”

Twenty minutes to change her clothes and refresh herself wasn’t a lot but she wanted to see Liam so bad that she was actually glad she didn’t have to wait too long. She was falling for him, slowly but steadily. It was the first time she let herself catch any feelings after having her heart broken by a senior in her drama club, when she was a freshman. The guy who had been her crush for a few months, broke up with her on the day she told him she loved him, claiming he couldn’t be in a serious relationship with a freshman because he had a promising career and she didn’t.

Victoria shook her head trying to get rid of the memories. It was a long time ago. And Liam was different. And most importantly, he wasn’t any famous or concerned about his career.

~~~~

“I’m telling her today,” Liam murmured, putting on his coat. Drake’s raised eyebrow suggesting he didn’t believe his best friend’s promises.

“I really am. That’s why I invited her to lunch today. I’ll be honest with her.”

“I hope so. She was honest with you and it’s only fair you tell her the truth as well.”

“I know. But you can’t blame me for not wanting her to see me as the King. I really enjoyed being just Liam with her.” Liam sighed. Why was his life so complicated?

“I understand but I also think that if you want to continue it, no relationship should be based on a lie,” Drake replied.

Relationship.

Liam smiled at the thought but his smile quickly disappeared. He wasn’t sure if she would want to continue this relationship or whatever it was after learning the truth. Dating a King wasn’t anything like dating a normal guy. She said she didn’t like being in the center of attention, which was why she was struggling as an actress but being a King’s girlfriend or wife would be putting her literally in the center of attention.

What wife? Liam, stop thinking about it. You’re getting ahead of yourself, yet again.

It was so easy to think about it, though. He felt understood, he felt like a part of him, a long forgotten part of him was unlocked again with her. And it was mostly because… she saw him as Liam. He was just Liam.

If only my life was easier.

~~~~

“I don’t understand why this place is so empty this time of the day! The food is delicious,” Victoria commented as she took another bite of her lasagne.

Liam bit his lip not wanting to admit it was the most popular place in the town but he closed it for them to have a conversation. He didn’t want to risk anyone recognizing him before Victoria learned the truth.

“And the owner is so nice! I don’t have that many followers but maybe if I posted a picture from here on my Instagram, it’d get more customers. Oh! Or I can ask Hana to post the picture! She has twenty million followers!” Victoria took out her phone and snapped a few pictures.

“That’s so kind of you,” Liam noticed. He was falling more and more in love with her. She cared about people she didn’t even know and she wanted to help them. She’d make a great Queen. Liam couldn’t stop thinking what it would feel like to be cared for by her just the same, if she was his wife.

“Victoria, there’s… something I wanted to discuss with you,” he started. Victoria put down her phone and locked her eyes with his.

“Did something happen?”

“No… Yes. Well…”

“Okay, wait, I think… I think I get it,” she said sadly.

“You… You do?” Did she google him? Did someone tell him he was a King? Did—

“I do. You had a great time with me but I live in America and you live here and I’m an actress, well, a crappy one if you ask me but whatever, and you don’t think it’s gonna work out and maybe it’s better if we’re friends.” She finished and Liam’s eyes widened.

“That’s not exactly what I planned to say,” he ran his hand through his hair. It was a nervous twitch that he had and the one Victoria always noticed.

“You probably would say something more elaborate with your lovely accent; mine is just a short, harsh, American version of it,” she tried to laugh but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“I… wasn’t trying to break up with you… I mean… We’re not dating…Or are we?”

“No… I think? I don’t know… I thought, after yesterday…” she trailed off and quickly composed herself. “I probably got carried away. I’m sorry. I understood it all wrong. Of course we can be friends.”

Liam blinked a few times trying to understand her chaotic speech. She truly was the most interesting woman he ever met.

“No, I thought the same. I mean, about dating. I mean…” Goodness, he was awkward. For someone who gave speeches on a daily basis, he was very inarticulate at the moment. “I never asked you properly to be my girlfriend but I would very much like you to be one.”

“Oh.” She cleared her throat. “So that’s what you wanted to talk about? I assumed you wanted to stop seeing me.”

“No! Never!” The owner of the restaurant looked up from his phone at Liam’s raised voice. “I don’t want to stop seeing you. Quite the opposite, I was hoping we could see each other more but I wasn’t sure if you would want to.” Because I’m the King of the country, my schedule is busy and I lied to you, he added in his thoughts.

“Why wouldn’t I want to? Liam, I might have met you recently but I feel like I know a lot about you. And I told you a lot about me, too. And… And even though, I’m not the first to jump into a relationship like that, I feel that what we have… would be a good base for our… relationship. I think,” she mumbled.

Liam closed his eyes. She did know him. She knew him better than all the nobles he’d known for ages. She got to know the side of him that was unavailable for everyone else. She got to know Liam. And he couldn’t pretend he didn’t like it. He loved being Liam. Not King Liam. Liam. Just Liam. And he could be that with her.

“Does it mean… you do want to…” He started, unsure of where he was going.

“Be your girlfriend?” He smiled at her faintly. “Absolutely.”

~~~~

“So just for the record.” Drake was pacing back and forth in Liam’s bedroom. “You met up with her to tell her the truth… But ended up asking her to be your girlfriend… Without actually telling her the truth?”

“So it may seem.”

“Are you crazy?!”

“Drake, please. I know what you’re trying to tell me but I have no idea what to do.”

“Um… tell her truth?! Maybe?”

“I wish it was that easy,” Liam huffed.

“Would be easier if you told her who you are from the very beginning.”

“I know! I tried! I couldn’t! I don’t… I don’t want to lose her,” he added quietly.

After lunch, Liam took her on a walk and they spend a whole day talking and kissing. He felt so happy he couldn’t say anything. To say he scared to lose her would be an understatement. He was terrified.

“Listen, Li… You know I want the best for you but the chances that you’ll lose her are higher when she doesn’t know. The longer you wait… Let me just say, it may end very badly for you.”

Liam sighed as Drake left his room. He knew it. He knew he shouldn’t wait so long with telling her. But for some reason, being with her made him forget about being a King.

How could he ever bring that up?

~~~~

He couldn’t tell her.

They met up every single day for almost two weeks and the topic was never brought up. He couldn’t. When he was with her, he forgot about the whole world.

Every evening, when he came back to the palace, with a lovesick smile on his face, he couldn’t look Drake in the eyes because he knew what his best friend would tell him.

And he’d be right.

But Drake never saw the way Victoria looked at him. He didn’t know how Victoria made Liam feel. And he could never know, how nearly impossible it was for a King to find something like that.

He was equally surprised and happy that Victoria still hadn’t figured out who he was. He once broached the subject and Victoria told him she never checked the Internet or television or read any magazines. She said she hated gossip and didn’t want to read anything about her online. Liam sighed with relief at her words. His secret was safe, at least for a little longer.

He was also happy when Victoria told him she prolonged her stay in Cordonia. She finished shooting all of her scenes but decided to stay a bit longer, at least until Hana would be finished with her scenes. Which meant she was staying for at least five more weeks.

That meant five more weeks with her. 

And five more weeks of hiding the truth.

~~~~

Victoria was walking to her hotel straight from the set. It was a beautiful day, sunny but cold, and she decided to take a longer way home. Besides going on set and dates with Liam, she didn’t walk anywhere by herself. She didn’t have to. Liam showed her around and she felt she knew Cordonia very well. She was strolling along the street, admiring the view when she noticed two girls, teenagers maybe, pointing their fingers at her and laughing.

Oho, someone does watch my crappy movies and recognizes me.

She smiled at them and walked past them, ignoring the laughter.

Victoria didn’t even manage to walk five more meters before she noticed a woman sizing her up.

Another fan? She wondered as she smiled lightly. The woman didn’t like it. She came up to Victoria and jostled her.

“What are you doing?” Victoria asked but the woman spitted on her.

“Whore!” She yelled, making all the passersby stop and look at them.

“Excuse me? I think you mistook me for someone.” Victoria took a step back. She never played a whore in any movie and she was sure the woman made a mistake.

“You’re a whore! Leave our King alone, you American bitch! You won’t get famous using him!” The woman yelled. Victoria quickly backed away, noticing a few people taking photos. She ran back to her hotel room and closed the door. To calm down, she took a long shower and made herself a cup of tea.

“Tori?” She heard Hana call out.

“Here!” Victoria answered from her bedroom. Now that she was calm, she decided to go online and see why people were taking pictures of her and what happened. She had an uneasy feeling that the woman didn’t make any mistake, however, she still didn’t understand what she was saying.

“You okay? I’ve heard someone attacked you on the street?”

“I’m fine. It wasn’t an attack. I think a lady mistook me for someone. But some people took pictures of me and I want to check if they wrote anything.”

Hana nodded and sat down next to her friend as Tori opened a new tab and googled her name. Both Victoria and Hana raised their eyebrows when they saw the headlines: 

American Media Whore Seduces the King! How Victoria Brooks, an actress known to no one is using King Liam to get on top. EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS.

With shaking hands Victoria opened the article, chewing on her bottom lip nervously. Hana looked at her concerned.

“I don’t understand, Tori… You met the King?”

“I didn’t! I never even saw him!” Victoria was nearly crying. “He never showed up at the dinner and I never heard of him again!”

Victoria closed her eyes as the page was loading. She always hated attention but it seemed like she couldn’t escape it. But who came up with such lies?

The page loaded and Victoria saw pictures of her and Liam; their date in the park, when they were leaving her hotel, them kissing on the beach… But what did it have to do with the King?

She turned to Hana and saw her friend, staring at the photos with her eyes wide open in shock.

“That’s… the guy you’ve been seeing?” Her voice was almost a whisper.

“Yes. That’s Liam. I just don’t understand it… Is he related to the King? Or what?”

“Tori… This is the King. Liam. King Liam. He’s the King of Cordonia.”

--

[storiesnobodyreads]

ENDLESSLY INFURIATED [1]

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Story: You hate Bucky Barnes more than anything and are not shy to let everyone know about this. Will things change when Steve convinces you to join him on a fancy night out?

There were not many things that endlessly infuriated you. Bucky Barnes, however, was definitely one of those things. His brooding, quiet self frustrated you to no end, and there was no clear explanation for this, not even to you. He had technically never done anything wrong. Always a gentleman, always polite, always oh-so-willing to sacrifice himself for his friends. Sometimes it seemed that Barnes had decided that he wasn’t supposed to be alive at this point anyway so he might as well rescue others no matter the cost.

“Want some coffee?” Barnes asked when you trudged into the kitchen of the Stark Tower early in the morning.

Unfortunately, Barnes was always the first one up and ready, so whenever you felt motivated to go for a run or workout early in the morning, this good motivation was instantly killed off by Barnes’ presence. “Ugh, no, fuck off,” you groaned.

“Good morning to you too,” said Barnes without a care, pouring some coffee into one cup for himself.

You rolled your eyes, fetching some cereal and milk and thudding down on a high chair at the bar. To your absolute dismay, Barnes joined you at the bar. You stared at him. “What the fuck?”

Barnes raised his eyebrows at you. “Didn’t realize you own this place. Last time I checked I’m free to sit wherever I want.”

You put up your ultimate bitch face. “Fine, dickwad. Just don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me.”

For some reason, it pissed you off possibly even more that Barnes never seemed to care about your blatant verbal aggression toward him. He simply slightly shook his head and took a sip of hot steaming coffee, which admittedly smelled really good. He twirled his cup in his hands, looking relaxed in his grey sweatpants and over-sized white sweater.

Cute, you thought quickly, but you soon pushed that thought very far back in your mind. You finished your breakfast as fast as you could, in absolute silence. Barnes didn’t look at you once nor did he seem to feel the need to start a conversation. In a sense that you despised, breakfast was actually quite peaceful like this. When you were done, you got up to place your used stuff in the dishwasher. 

“I can clean up,” Barnes offered, “so you can go on your run.”

You narrowed your eyes and stared at the man with as much hatred as you could gather, violently placing your bowl in the dishwasher and practically throwing the spoon in its holder. Without saying another word, you marched out of the kitchen, where you bounced into Tony. “Oh, good morning, Tony!” you said cheerfully, pressing a kiss on the man’s cheek. 

“Mornin’, lovely,” was Tony’s response. He was wiping some sleep out of his eyes, clearly having had a long night. You didn’t quite know what project he was currently working on, but it was fair to say it was robbing him of his sleep. “You’re up early,” he commented.  

You nodded, ponytail swinging. “Felt good today. Am going for a run.”

“Alright, love. Have fun.” 

“Thanks, thanks. Maybe after I could help you with your project, if you got anything to do for me?”

Tony scratched the scruff on his chin, suppressing a yawn. “Yeah, I might have some things for you to look at later. Thanks for offering. Now go run, kid.” You grinned when he sent a wink in your direction. 

Barnes spoke up from the bar, “Have fun, Y/N.”

In reaction to him, you simply raised your middle finger and strolled out of sight. 

Running had always simultaneously been your most favorite and least favorite activity. You loathed it because it was often boring, leaving you alone with your thoughts which soon turned into a mentally challenging exercise. You loved it because whenever you felt anxious, you could just run as fast as your legs could carry you and sweat all the anxiety out. Sam’s explanation for this had been that when humans get stressed, their fight or flight reaction gets triggered, because in the good old days stressors were things like wolves. After being confronted with the wolf, you would either be safe or dead, but not anxious. With the stressors of the current society, you can’t run away or fight, leaving you with an uneasy feeling. But running, sometimes, helped you get rid of that feeling.

On top of that, it was a wonderful morning. Not too hot, not too cold, not a cloud to be spotted in the bright blue sky. The nice smell of fresh bread oozing from the bakeries as birds awoke and fluttered through the air. Despite having had breakfast with Barnes, it was a good morning. And it felt like today might be a good day. 

You returned to the Stark Tower an hour or so later, when you presumed most of the Avengers had woken up. You happily greeted Elena the receptionist and said hello to some of the security guards, waving cheerfully at James from Human Resources through the glass walls of his department. After a quick stop to send your best wishes at the Youth Centers Tony had set up for children and teenagers in need of books or an internet connection or any form of help, you made your way up to the Avengers headquarters. 

Needless to say, you were relieved to find Barnes’ seat empty. 

“Y/N!” you were welcomed enthusiastically by Steve, who waved you over to the couch in the living room. All the glass walls, which according to Tony emphasized openness and honesty among the Avengers, made it easy to see whenever someone entered. You made your way over to Steve, moving past Wanda who used some of her red flaring magic to pull you closer to her so she could plant a kiss on the top of your head. Wanda spent most of her time using her magic to fly around the kitchen and living room, simply to annoy the other Avengers that they couldn’t fly. Thor had once started the argument that he could, in fact, fly, but when Wanda had dared to do so without the help of his hammer, his big mouth soon vanished. 

Having arrived at the couch, you let yourself fall down, sprawling your legs over Steve’s lap and letting your head rest on Sam’s knees. “What’s up, losers?” you smiled. 

“Ew, you stink,” Sam coughed exaggeratedly. He faked trying to push you away from him. “Take a shower before you come poison us!” 

“Steve asked me to come here!” you argued. 

Steve grinned and patted your shins. “That was before I realized what a sweaty human being you were. Disgusting, Y/N, really—anyway, the reason I asked you over here is because I kind of need you to do me a favor.”

You instantly became suspicious. “Oh no. What?”

“Well, remember that nice new girl that is working for James in Human Resources now?” Steve started with a nervous laugh. 

You shot up straight and gently hit Steve against his chest. “You didn’t!” 

Steve was laughing, “I did, I did. I asked her out on a date. We’re going out tonight.” 

“No way!” you exclaimed excitedly, throwing yourself at the man to hug him. “I’m so happy for you! Lucie is so nice, Steve! The two of you would make such a lovely couple!” 

“Alright, calm down there,” Steve lifted you up from him, smiling widely. “Thank you very much for introducing us, though. I owe you one.” 

“This is going to be amazing, Steve, I—” you realized suddenly that Steve had started out this conversation stating that he was going to ask for a favor. “Right. I’m very happy for you, but what do you want from me then?”

“Well,” Steve cleared his throat. “When I was asking Lucie out for a date tonight, I might have accidentally, you know, in the heat of the moment, I was very nervous, I might have said that it was going to be a double date... Um, to make it less awkward.” 

You stared at him. “To make it less awkward? To make it less awkward you thought it’d be a good idea to invite me?”

Steve put up a broad smile. “Yes?”

You grabbed a pillow and threw it into Captain America’s stupid face. “WHY?” you exclaimed incredulously. 

“Because she knows you and she likes you!” Steve defended himself, raising his arms to stop to downfall of more pillows on top of his head. “And somewhere in my rambling I thought it was easier to a group activity than it just being the two of us--”

You emphasized every word with a hit, “you – are – so – dumb!” 

“That’s not even all I— damn,” Steve laughed, fighting back to steal the last pillow away from you. He put up his puppy eyes. “Please tell me you’ll come with me. Please. I really like Lucie and I need your help.” 

Raising one brow, you marvelled at how Steve was usually such a strategic leader out in the field and yet here he had turned into a begging boy, nervous because he liked a girl. You shortly remembered how Steve hadn’t always been this good-looking and still had a sense of insecurity when it came to his looks and getting girls. “My god. Okay. But that means you owe me twice, Steve.” 

Steve attacked you with a hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” 

“Gosh,” you tapped out on Steve’s back, unable to breathe with him on top of you. When he let you go, he looked so relieved you decided it might actually be worth it to help him out this way. “Right then. Where do I have to be?”

“Down at the reception, at 7? I’ll choose the restaurant and everything. It’s going to be fancy. That’s a warning.” 

You glared. “Why do you say that like I am incapable of looking fancy?”

Behind you, Sam barked out a laugh. “Because, sweetheart, you are absolutely gorgeous, but it is an odd day to see you wear anything other than gym clothes. Look at what you’re wearing right now.” 

You scoffed indignantly. “I just came back from a run!” 

Sam and Steve continued teasing you and making you laugh until you decided that it presumably was time to go for a shower. After cleaning yourself up you stepped into an old pair of jeans and shirt to join Tony in the basement to see if you could help the exhausted man out. 

You found Tony lying beneath an old car, sparks flying out of underneath the vehicle as machines were whirring loudly. You kicked Tony’s feet. “Oi!”

The man startled and bumped his head against the car. “Jesus!” he cursed, before rolling from underneath the vehicle to face you. “For fuck’s sake, can you make an entrance like a normal human being for a change?”

“Not really,” you smiled while fetching an iced pack from the fridge and tossing it in Tony’s direction. “You know me. Such a diva. Always the centre of attention.”

Tony grumbled some inaudible cursing words as he pressed the iced pack onto his forehead. “Not a bigger diva than me, you’re not. You’re too comfortable is what I’ll give you. You feel like you can be your most annoying self with the Avengers.”

You raised one eyebrow. “And can I?”

Tony shrugged. In a short burst of honesty, he said: “Of course. We all love you. Would be lost without you.” With similar ease, he barked at you: “Now will you help me out and fuck off out of my sight?” He proceeded to explain what you could do in order to help out with a small piece of his project. You were no expert in engineering like Tony, but he had taught you a fair amount over the years. Even though you weren’t gifted like Peter, you were a fast learner and possessed the power of common knowledge and google. 

Peter wasn’t present in Tony’s basement that morning, even though it was generally his favourite place to be. Tony didn’t tolerate many people in his basement, as his usual working vibes included loud AC/DC music, an excessive amount of coffee, red bull and alcohol, and as few living things to bother him as possible. You and Peter were the only Avengers that were allowed to come and go as you pleased. 

As soon as Tony had finished his instructions, he turned up the volume of his music and vanished back underneath his car. 

You twirled some tools in your hand and made your way to the back of the basement, where you wouldn’t be in Tony’s line of sight. As you moved around a high stack of apparatus to reach a free desk, you found the one person sitting there that you didn’t want to see. 

“What the fuck are you doing here, Barnes?” you called out. 

Barnes didn’t even look up. Massive noise-cancelling headphones rested atop his head, seemingly so to avoid going insane thanks to an overload of AC/DC. He was wearing a simple white shirt; his back somewhat sweaty and muscles tensed as he tinkered on the machinery before him. His black hair was bundled up in a small knot in his neck. His metal arm operated smoothly, all his movements perfectly under control. 

You gawked at the man for a while. Probably a little longer than was socially acceptable. Likely a lot longer than was socially acceptable. 

There were many negative things you thought about Bucky Barnes, but you couldn’t fault him on his looks. The man was extremely good-looking and fit, and no one could deny that. 

But then you remembered his personality and instantly felt annoyance bubbling up in your chest. God, he was infuriating. You picked up some nails from a desk and tossed them softly against Barnes’ back to catch his attention. 

The man shot up straight, struggling his headphones from his head and face up to you. The temporary panic flaring in his blue eyes, the way his hands clenched to fists... Then he recognized who you were and his posture relaxed, the fear flying out of his expression. 

He breathed out. “Hey.”

Suddenly you were very aware of how you were looking. Messy bun on the top of your head, over-sized sweater that did not accentuate your shape, and small jogging pants that barely covered your butt. Compared to how good Bares was looking while engineering, you felt kind of insignificant. 

But Barnes didn’t look at you like you were insignificant. There was a sparkle in his eyes that you couldn’t quite place. “You...” he seemed to have lost his tongue. “Um, you look...”

You pushed your insecurity away and felt rather annoyed with yourself that you allowed this man to throw you off guard. “I look what?”

“Good,” Barnes blurted out. “You look... You look good.” 

Staring at him, you squinted. You were feeling all kinds of feelings, which infuriated you, and you reacted to Barnes the way you wanted to react to your feelings. “Fuck off. What are you doing here anyway?” 

Barnes was blinking. “Oh, um, my arm has been malfunctioning a little lately. Stark wanted to fix it for me, but I figured it was about time to learn how to do it myself. So that’s what I’ve been trying to do.” 

“Can you do it somewhere else?” you demanded rudely. 

“Not really,” Barnes replied, unphased. “I think I need this...” He gestured toward the fiery machinery he had been working with. He proceeded to vaguely repeat the instructions Tony had given him to create a tiny chip that would solve the issues of his metal arm. Within about two seconds of hearing Barnes speak about his unfortunate invention, you realized that he had no idea what he was talking about. 

You sighed tiredly. “You are the dumbest person I have ever met. I can’t even. Move out the way. I’ll do it.” 

Barnes opened his mouth, presumably to protest, but you pushed him out of the way before he could make a noise. Remembering that Barnes had started out willing to do this on his own, you started explaining every little thing you did, including your entire thought process. Barnes listened intently to every word you said, letting out small ‘oh’s and ‘ah’s when he noted where he had gone wrong. It took hours and hours to finish Barnes’ issue, but both of you were patient and focused and time flew as you worked together. As soon as Barnes got the hang of it, you trusted him with the slightly smaller tasks as you multi-tasked and worked on Tony’s project as well. Tony showed up with sandwiches for the three of you at a certain point of time before vanishing under his car again. Barnes set you cups of coffee so that the two of you could continue tinkering with focus.

When Barnes’ new arm was completely finished, you helped attach the thing to his shoulder. He looked extremely uneasy but didn’t let out a single noise of complaint. Once it stuck, he closed his eyes to concentrate and got his fingers to move, explaining it was always a little weird to have this extension of his body. He commented it felt like a good arm, though, and within minutes he was using it as if he had used it his whole life. Somewhat exhausted, the two of you ended up sitting next to each other with your feet up the desk, silent and staring at Barnes’ old arm. It was quite peaceful. A satisfying silence, somehow.

“Alright.” You placed your hands flat on the table and got up. Barnes’ gaze followed your every move. “I’m done,” you grunted, wiping some concentration sweat from your forehead. “Can’t believe I spent so much time on your dumb ass.”

Barnes leaned back in his chair with a smile, studying you as you shook your hair out. His hands were folded in his lap. “Thank you so much. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“I know,” you confirmed with a nod. “You couldn’t have. And that’s because you grew up without having electricity. And you’re old.”

Barnes’ face cracked open in a wide grin. “Can’t argue with that. You’re a lot smarter than me anyway, even if I had been born in the same time as you.”

You narrowed your eyes, not trusting these compliments. How was Barnes still nice to you after all the shit you gave him? “Absolutely.”

The man continued smiling, looking straight at you, happy. You didn’t know what to do with yourself or where to hold your hands, his warmth radiating. You cleared your throat. “What time is it anyway?”

Barnes checked his watch. “Eleven past six.”

You blinked. “In the evening?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit,” you cursed, remembering your promise to Steve to join him for a dinner to make his date with his crush Lucie less awkward, “I have a thing. I have to go.”

Barnes moved up from his chair. “Yeah, Y/N, I think—”

“For fuck’s sake, why did I spend so much time with your today?” you busted out, rapidly gathering your things. “Glad I really have to go so I don’t have to waste another minute with you. Have a horrible evening, Barnes!”

“Y/N—” Bucky tried to say, but before he could finish his sentence, you ran out of Tony’s lab. You checked your outfit and realized you were still in short jogging pants and a large sweater—after Sam’s comment of you never looking fancy, you could impossibly show up to the dinner dressed like this. You wanted to prove Sam and Steve wrong and dress up like how you had never dressed up before. And there were two people you knew to be perfect for this job. Therefore, as you were running through the Stark Tower, you texted your two best friends with a code red. And when you finally made it to your own room, you expected nothing less than to find Nat and Wanda waiting impatiently for you on your bed.

Wanda leaped up, looking worried. “What is code red?”

You let all your engineering stuff fall on the floor. “I’m going out for dinner tonight at 7. It’s supposed to be fancy.”

Both Wanda and Nat’s facial expression went from indignance that you were not dying, to absolute excitement. “Does this mean what I think it means?” Nat breathed out. “Are you going to let us dress you up?”

You rolled your eyes. “Yes. Don’t be too girly about it.”

But both Wanda and Nat were already squealing like the girliest girls in the world, more than exhilarated that they got to have their girly moments in their lives filled with heavy tasks of being an Avenger. “I’m getting my stuff!” Wanda squeaked, vanishing from the room with a red flash. Nat threw her hands up in the air. “Dresses!” she yelled, and ran out of the room as well. Both of them returned within no time, arms filled with make-up and clothes and a bunch of stuff floating behind them thanks to Wanda’s red magic. “I just realized we only have half an hour!” Wanda was screaming. Nat pushed you, “Wash yourself! Hurry!”

They granted you one minute of showering before pulling you out, throwing a sexy pair of lingerie to you (“You never know where the night goes!”) and then setting you on the bed. Nat held up several outfits for you to judge while Wanda got to work on your make-up and did your hair. Nat selected a little red dress for you that wouldn’t be too revealing. When you put it on, it hugged the curves of your body nicely and made you look way hotter than you thought you actually were. Wanda had finished your face, hair and eyes, with only lips to go, when Nat started yelling: “It’s seven o’clock!”. “LIPSTICK!” Wanda shouted back, which resulted in Nat tossing a deep dark-red lipstick at Wanda and her smearing it somehow perfectly on your lips. They rushed you up in front of the mirror. You were absolutely confused, having gone through the most stressful getting-ready process ever. But when you looked into the mirror, your jaw dropped.

“I look fucking stunning, babes.”

Wanda and Nat cheered. “Yes, you do!”

They showered you with compliments as they led you downstairs to the reception, moving slowly on your heels, despite the time being way past seven. You felt powerful and beautiful, ready to confuse the hell out of Steve and make it a wonderful, hopefully not-so-awkward night. Strolling down the last set of stairs, you spotted Lucie and Steve standing arm in arm. Lucie was wearing an extremely cute, long, dark-blue dress while Steve was dressed up in suit and tie. Once Steve’s eyes fell on you, he choked on his own saliva and his eyes popped out of his skull. “Hot damn, girl!” he called out.

You laughed, throwing your hair back in your neck. “Who says I can’t look fancy, eh?” Wanda and Nat had left you to get to the reception on your own, though you could still hear them whooping and whispering compliments behind you. You cut around the corner, finally having arrived at the reception of the Stark Tower, perhaps a little past seven, but fully dressed in a fancy outfit. And then you saw that it wasn’t just Steve that had dressed up in suit and tie.

Bucky Barnes was dressed up as well, looking immaculate. His face clean, beard and hair well groomed, smelling fresh and sweet, in a pristine suit that made him look even more handsome than usual.

It was the second time today you found him in a place where he wasn’t supposed to be. It was also the second time today you stood gawking at how gorgeous this man was.

Barnes was looking at you with his eyes wide, a flicker shining that you couldn’t quite explain. His lips parted as he looked over your appearance, but he couldn’t quite seem to find his tongue.

Your cocky expression had faded, but you did find your tongue. “The fuck are you doing here?”

Steve immediately came in between the two of you. “It’s a double date, Y/N. I told you this, right?”

You tore your eyes away from Barnes to stare furiously at Steve. “You most certainly did not, Rogers.”

“Well, it is,” Steve forced a smile. He proceeded to wrap his arm around Lucie, who stood nervously eying the situation. “And we are very excited to go on the double date, aren’t we, Lucie?”

Lucie nodded, eyes big. “Yes. You, um, look really beautiful, Y/N.”

Lucie was so very obviously shitting herself that you felt bad for her. You sighed. It mustn’t be an easy position for her, ending up going on a double date with three well-known Avengers. Even though you talked to her all the time and you would consider yourselves somewhat friends, at the very least good acquaintances, it made sense she was still nervous. Were you really going to make this even more nerve-wrecking and miserable for her? Were you that much of a bitch, that just to get across your hatred for Barnes, you would ruin the night from Lucie and Steve?

You took a deep breath. “You look beautiful as well, Lucie.” You eyed Barnes, realizing you were now officially on a date with him. “Let’s go.”

[something-tofightfor]

Tipping Point - 5

Pairing: Benjamin Greene x Julia Day … Benjamin Greene x Reader (friendship)

Word Count: 7463

Rating: M (language, marital issues)

Summary: Benjamin and Julia continue to navigate toward the end of their relationship, and Benjamin takes friendship with you to the next level... from thousands of miles away.

Author’s Note: So there’s a little more of the actual GD storyline in here, but I was able to keep it vague. I’m actually about half done with chapter 10 of this already... so I’m VERY far ahead of what I’m posting. Expect the remaining pieces of this to come a little more frequently moving forward... MAYBE with some good old Ryan Brenner or Logan smut thrown in to break it up. (I know that it’s a lot of angst but that’s what this story calls for SO FAR. That changes, I swear). Thank you for reading!!! 

There was a knock on his door, and Benjamin cleared his throat before answering. “Yeah?” He heard the sound of the knob turning and then a few seconds later, Eric poked his head into the room, one eyebrow raised. 

 “You alright, Greene?” Am I? Benjamin put his book down, sitting up on the mattress and crossing his legs. 

 “Better than last week.” He furrowed his brow. “Sorry you had to see that, I wasn’t… it wasn’t what I intended.” Eric stepped fully into the room, taking a seat on the single bed that remained separate, head moving back and forth. 

 “Scared me, man.You walked in and just collapsed.” Benjamin sighed, agreeing. “Didn’t know why then, you know? But when you managed to get it out?” Eric shrugged. “Wish there was more I could have done for you, I -”

 “You did enough.” Benjamin ran a hand through his hair, taking his glasses off and dropping them onto the bed next to him. “It didn’t hit me, not really, not until I got back here and looked down, and… she didn’t even fight for me. I thought that talking about it would make her realize how serious this is, but she just...agreed.” Because she won’t look bad. She might love me, but not as much as she loves the idea of looking good in everyone’s eyes. “I appreciate what you did, Eric. Getting me off of the floor and onto the couch, and…” Benjamin met the other man’s eyes, hoping that Eric could see how thankful he was. “Just sitting with me. I haven’t been like that in a long time.” 

 Both were silent until Eric rubbed one hand over his face, letting out a breath and saying your name. “My sister, she used to… they weren’t panic attacks, but she used to get real quiet when she was a kid, and she’d cry. Wouldn’t talk to anyone, would just sit by herself when she was upset, and I got… used to being there for her.” Really? “I’m sure she still has her moments, but it’s been better since she was in high school, but you … you looked a lot like she did, Greene. Lost and upset, and I couldn’t just let you stay on the ground.” Benjamin thought for a few moments, and then Eric interjected again, tone lighter. “Plus you were dripping all over the floor.”  Benjamin felt himself laughing, eyes crinkling at the corners even though what Eric said wasn’t that funny. I needed that. Needed to laugh. “Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I’m going out, and I might … end up bringing someone back here.” 

 “Oh yeah?” Benjamin grinned. “Well don’t let me ruin that for you, I’ve got headphones and I know how to use them.” It was Eric’s turn to laugh, the man standing up and heading back toward the door. He paused with one hand on the knob, turning the top half of his body back toward Benjamin. 

 “I know I don’t know you that well, Benjamin, but what I do know? You’re a good guy. It sucks that you’re that upset, and that it sounds like your wife won’t work with you on this.” You have no idea. “Don’t give in.” Benjamin’s eyes widened and then narrowed, head cocked to the side. What? “It’s not my place to say anything, but… this shit can’t be one-sided. If you give in on this, go back and try to work it out on your own?” Eric rolled his eyes and held one hand up in front of him, slashing through the air with it. “I watched my parents fight all the time, Benjamin. Back and forth, one giving in to the other. It never works out, and everyone just ends up worse than they started.” This isn’t like that, we wouldn’t… Julia wouldn’t… But even as Benjamin nodded in thanks, he realized that Eric’s assessment of the situation was spot on. 

 He’d spent much of his relationship with Julia appeasing her, and throughout, the only thing that he hadn’t been willing to compromise on was his academic career. And look at me now. He glanced over at the nightstand, where his Master’s certificate was sitting, newly framed. He’d gone to the graduation ceremony - telling Julia when it was being held in case she wanted to show up to support him, but after the ceremony, when he reached out to ask where she was, he’d received a single line of text in reply. Couldn’t make it, but congratulations, Benjamin. That had almost hurt worse than the words they’d said to each other in the hotel room, but to Benjamin, it was just another thing in the long list of disappointments he’d experienced. 

 Eric had left him alone for much of the week following his return from meeting with his wife, and Benjamin had the suspicion that if he’d told the man - or his friends - when his graduation was, they would have shown up to celebrate him. But it wasn’t them I wanted there, it was her. Despite them agreeing to tentatively move forward with an annulment, Benjamin’s mindset was still that he loved Julia, and wanted to include her in the important parts of his life. But she doesn’t want that. She only wants what she can control. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, sighing deeply. And that’s not me. 

 After calming himself down and getting changed, Benjamin had thought carefully about the conversation they’d had. While he understood that he’d shocked her with his announcement that he’d willingly take all of the blame for the relationship ending, he was concerned with her lack of response. He’d expected the meeting to end with Julia in tears, yelling at him, and when it hadn’t, he’d been stunned. He knew his wife well enough to understand that the calm demeanor was likely hiding much stronger emotions. I’ll hear about it soon enough. Sending over the short list of legal options he’d come across the following morning, Benjamin hadn’t expected to hear back from her as quickly as he had, but Julia’s response had been brief; telling him she would look into it. 

 Will you, though? He climbed out of his bed, heading to his computer and turning it on. How long do I wait for you to reach back out? He waited daily for her to message him back with a choice, but after a week had passed, he still hadn’t heard anything. I’ll reach out tomorrow. The longer this goes on, the more… the worse it is. A small part of him still hoped that actually looking into the information would make Julia realize she wanted to save the marriage, but that bit of him grew smaller each day. He questioned his own motivations, wondering if it was selfish of him to expect her to give in and seek help when he was unwilling to compromise and work on it without outside help, but the more he considered it, he realized  that he’d already been doing that. 

 They’d had conversations about his unhappiness, about the things that he - and they - felt that they should work on, and nothing had changed. Sure, things had improved for a day or two here, a weekend there, but they always slid backward, Benjamin feeling pushed to the side and Julia feeling as if he was treating her differently. It’s the only solution. It’s the only thing that would help. He firmly believed that - and if she didn’t, there was nothing that he could do to change her mind. Doesn’t matter how much I want it.  

 He’d started removing his wedding ring for short periods; an hour at home, a full day, while at work… and each time he took it off, it was more difficult to put it back on. He’d felt many things in the small metal band, but the comfort and security it had given him at first was nonexistent, and the more he wore it, the heavier it became. But I can’t take it off for good, not yet. Even the inscription on the inside - for my love - seemed to burn white hot against the skin of his finger on the worst days. 

 Benjamin wasn’t one to give up on anything, which had played a part in how steadfast he’d been in his belief that Kieran had made something for himself in the years that Benjamin had spent apart from him. But this isn’t giving up. This is… admitting the truth. He’d always love Julia; some small part of him would always care for the woman, but as each day passed, he realized that it wasn’t enough. Not enough to endure this. Not enough to… force it. He shut his computer down, deciding to go and enjoy the emptiness of the flat at least long enough to watch a movie while stretched out on the couch. 

 Twenty five minutes later, Benjamin was dozing off, the cool air from the cracked door flowing through the room when he was startled into a sitting position by the sound of an incoming Skype call. What? Blinking rapidly, he stood and looked around the room, his eyes landing on Eric’s laptop, which was open on the table. I didn’t even see that. Taking a breath, Benjamin sat back down, rubbing at his eyes as the sound stopped. Must’ve left it unlocked. He blinked again as he realized what that fact meant: that Eric trusted him with his personal life and the information contained on his computer. But he doesn’t know anything about me, I could… Benjamin lowered his head. Why wouldn’t he trust me? 

 The sound went off again, and this time Benjamin stood, intending to simply close the laptop, disconnecting the device from the Internet and letting whoever was calling know that Eric wasn’t available. But when he reached the computer, he saw your picture on the screen and paused. Oh. The call ended, Benjamin with one hand at the top of the screen, a frown on his face. She’s called twice, I wonder if it’s important. Beginning to lower the lid, Benjamin stopped as another call came through. I’ll answer and tell her that Eric’s out, that she should just text him. 

 Leaning in, he pressed the button to answer the call, taking a deep breath. “Eric? You asshole, why aren’t yo- oh. Benjamin? Why are you answering on Eric’s laptop?” You were seated at a different table, and Benjamin bit back a smile at the annoyed tone of your voice. “Is he not…”

 “He’s out on a date.” Still leaning in, Benjamin gritted his teeth, wrinkling his nose. “Left his laptop open on the table.” You swore under your breath, closing your eyes. “I was watching a movie and your call actually woke me up.” You eyed him carefully, waiting. “I was just going to close the screen, but you’ve called a few times, and I wanted to make sure everything was alright.” He watched shock cross your features, but you quickly recovered. 

 “Yeah, I’m… I’m fine, I just…” You looked away and then back at the screen. “Just needed to ask him something, and he wasn’t answering his phone, so I thought I’d try to call.” She’s lying. He watched as you carefully chose  your words, but you couldn’t hide the tightness of your jaw,  or the way the fingers of one hand drummed atop the table. 

 “Do you need me to call him? Maybe if I reach out, since he just saw me…” You shook your head, waving your hand. 

 “Not a big deal, it can wait.” Can it? Three Skype calls and at least one phone call doesn’t seem like it’s not a big deal. “How’s it going Benjamin?” You changed the subject, clearing your throat and tilting your head to the side. “I don’t want to pry, but… the last time Eric mentioned you, you weren’t…”

 “That’s a long story.” He sighed. “And not one that I feel comfortable having over your brother’s Skype account.” He felt himself smiling, tongue darting out to wet his lips. “I appreciate you asking, though.” He glanced down, looking at the clock. “It’s what, nearly half three there?” It took you a second, but you told him he was right. 

 ‘You know the time difference between London and Chicago, Benjamin?” There was curiosity in your tone, but it wasn’t an accusation. “Why?” He thought for a moment and then decided to go with the truth. 

 “I looked it up when Eric was home for Christmas. He added me on Facebook, and whenever I’d see his updates, they were at strange times.” Benjamin paused. “Sorry if it’s odd, I -”

 “No.” You shook your head. “Not strange. That makes sense. You don’t have many American friends do you?” I don’t. “He told me he added you.” You shifted in your chair. “A day or so after that party.” You went quiet, and he watched you, eyes on your posture, which was more relaxed than it had been, the look in your eyes less wild. “I would have added you too, Benjamin, but…” You trailed off. I figured. “Look, I’ll let you get back to your movie, but if you’re still awake when Eric gets home, can you… can you tell him to call me? It doesn’t matter how late.” He was startled at the rapid change in your demeanor, but Benjamin agreed. “Thank you.” 

 “You know…” He spoke quickly, not taking the time to second guess his words. “I …” He glanced down, eyes landing on the bare skin of his left ring finger. I’m not doing anything wrong. “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” He gestured at the empty flat. “I’ve got no plans, and I can give you my account, you can Skype with me.” Did I overstep? Benjamin watched your reaction, surprised to see that there wasn’t much of one, though your eyes widened slightly.  “I’m not your brother, but I’ve been told that I -”

 “I don’t want to intrude, Benjamin.” You chewed on your lower lip. “You’re still married, and I don’t want anyone to think…” He laughed at that, his hand combing through his hair. “Looks like we both have some things to talk about.” 

 --- 

 Fifteen minutes later, Benjamin was back in his room, sitting at the small table that doubled as his desk and waiting for your call. He’d given you his email address and then hung up, closing Eric’s computer before he straightened, popping his back. That was a surprise. Even though it had been a short conversation, he’d enjoyed talking to you - but the fact that he’d been quick to offer a listening ear had come as a shock to him. As he waited for you, he thought about what Julia would think, and guilt crept in. She’d be jealous. Suspicious. She wouldn’t care that it’s only because I could tell she needs to talk about something. He stared at the screen, eyes on his profile picture. Is that it? 

 Benjamin’s first conversation with you in the very bedroom he now lived in had been a welcome change of pace from his previous interactions with women - Bianca excluded. You were interested, polite, and you let him speak without cutting him off. She listened to me. She was curious. He’d never intended to form any sort of friendship with you; how could he, when you were thousands of miles away for the majority of the time? That trip had been your first to London, even though Eric had already been in the country for eight months - and there were no more plans for you to come back. Julia wouldn’t have cared, she would have seen it as a breach of trust. 

 Benjamin scrubbed at his face, debating over whether or not to put his glasses on in order to take the call when the screen changed, an incoming call alert pinging. Doesn’t matter now. He answered after only a few seconds, taking another deep breath. “Hi.” You’d moved too, back into the room that he’d first seen you in onscreen, and you’d thrown your hair back, securing it loosely. She changed her shirt. “Comfortable?” 

 “I should be asking you that, Benjamin.” You paused. “I slept on all three of those beds when I was there, trying to find the most comfortable one, and -”

 “It’s definitely not the one closest to the closet.” He rolled his eyes. “I actually pushed the other two together to give me more space, and it’s worked out so far.” You put your face in your hands, laughing and telling him that you hadn’t thought of that. “Well you were only here for a week, I’ve been here for a few months, so I had to do something.” Peeking back up at him, you agreed, taking a deep breath. 

 “How are you adjusting to being back in London full time?” He scratched the side of his head. Guess I’m going first. 

 “It’s been easier than I thought, actually.” He spoke about what he’d been up to, telling you about his job and Zac and Bianca’s engagement, about the other new friends he’d made through work. “I miss Devon, but it’s been… it hasn’t been bad here.” 

 “What about Julia?” The curiosity was back. “You’ve seen her a few times since you’ve been in London, has she… has anything changed?” A lot. Benjamin weighed his options. How much do I tell her? How much does she want to hear? 

 “We met last week - the night you were talking to Eric when I came home?” You nodded, eyes focused on Benjamin’s face. “We… well, I…” He swallowed. “She’s still refusing to see someone, and I refused to just go back to the way things were.” You frowned, telling him that you were sorry. “I am, too. I really thought we’d…” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter now. She used the word divorce for the first time, and I… I gave her another option, one where she could save face and it would look like I…”

 “Is that what’s best, Benjamin?” Your chin was propped up on your knuckles. “For you, I mean?” Does it matter? He didn’t answer right away and you continued. “It’s none of my business, but I… from what you said that first night we met, this is what you’ve done for the past few years.” You rubbed at the back of your neck. “You shouldn’t have to -”

 “It’s what’s best, yeah. I think so anyway.” His heartbeat quickened. “Julia’s… she’s stubborn, but when I told her what I was thinking, it caught her off guard.” Very off guard. “I think she’s still expecting me to change my mind, but I won’t compromise on this, because it’s important to me.” You replied softly, the word “good” barely audible. “I haven’t spoken to her in a while, but I’ll need to reach out, because I can’t… can’t leave this to her.” The words spilled out, Benjamin grateful that someone was taking the time to listen to him. I told her some of this already, I shouldn’t rehash it, she doesn’t… “If it’s just going to end, I don’t want to draw it out.” He glanced up at the ceiling, trying to steady himself. “That’s not good for either of us.”

 “No.” You scoffed, closing your eyes and going silent. “It’s not.” He watched you for a few seconds and then said your name, waiting until you opened your eyes again to speak. 

 “Your turn.” You forced a smile. “What was so important that you called your brother so many times on a Friday night?” Keep it friendly. Don’t make it serious. He didn’t know what was wrong, but didn’t want you to feel like you were on the spot. 

 “Benjamin… would you ever …. Date a friend of your brother’s?” You knew about Kieran in vague terms, and Benjamin didn’t want to give anything else away. Keeping a straight face he thought it over. 

 “Well, that depends.” He leaned back in his chair, keeping his eyes on your face. “Are they a new friend, or someone he’s known for a while?” 

 “Known a while. A really good friend that you know, too.” Well I certainly wouldn’t date any of Kieran’s friends. “A good guy. Smart, has a good job.” You were frowning as you spoke.

 “It doesn’t seem like you…” He tapped his fingers against his lips. “I’m going to skip the rubbish, if you don’t mind.” You inhaled sharply, waiting. “Tell me why you don’t seem to think that it’s a good idea.” 

 “Oh, I…” You straightened your shoulders. “It’s not that I don’t think that it’s a good idea, I just… I never considered it before, you know?” You glanced off to the side. “So one of Eric’s friends just asked…” You explained your situation to him, and Benjamin listened without interrupting. One of Eric’s childhood best friends had seen you leaving work the previous day, and the two of you had spoken at length in a parking lot before exchanging numbers, since you’d lost touch over the years. He’d called earlier that day, asking if you wanted to go out on a date with him. “He said he’d wanted to ask for a while, but always felt strange about it since we basically grew up together.” You shrugged. “I said yes, but I’m thinking I shouldn’t have.”

 “Why?” It was his turn to be curious. “Are you single?” You nodded. “Are you attracted to him?” You didn’t nod. 

 “I’ve never thought about him that way before.” You pressed your lips together. “He’s smart, like I said, and he’s … not into drugs or anything like that. And he’s not bad looking, but he’s Eric’s friend, you know? I just…” Benjamin waited. “It’s just weird to think about, Benjamin. He’s seen me in my awkward teenage years, before I knew how to dress or do my makeup, or …” He was listening, but Benjamin found himself wondering what you’d been like as a teenager, what you and Eric had gotten into as kids. Stop. “I don’t want to screw anything up - between him and Eric, I mean.” You covered your face with your hands. “Like what if we end up dating, and then Eric has to think about me with his -”

 “He’s an adult.” Benjamin blinked quickly. “Just like you are. Were you calling to ask… ask Eric if he’d mind if you went out with his friend?” You peeked through your fingers, telling Benjamin he was correct. “If I were you?” You lowered your hands. “And take this with a grain of salt, because you’ve seen how my latest relationship played out… but I’d go out with him. See if you’re… compatible, and then go from there.”

 “You would?” Benjamin repeated himself. “But what if -”

 “It’s easier to do it and then say something than tell him and then worry about what he’s thinking.” He winked at you. “Though you’ve tried to call him a few times, and he’ll wonder what it was about, so you might have to tell him what’s going on.” Swearing loudly, you started laughing, hanging your head and Benjamin followed suit, feeling lighter than he had in a week. “Really, though, if he’s what you say he is, there’s no harm in going out with him, at least once.” Benjamin heard the sound of you sighing. Did she want me to tell her not to do it? “You’ll know quickly if you’re into him.” Benjamin said your name again, this time more gently. “And he’s obviously into you… what’s one date going to hurt?” 

 ---

 Benjamin kept in contact with you throughout the next week, a few messages sent back and forth. You’d decided to go out with Noah, and you’d told Eric that that was the plan. He’s alright with it, so that’s a surprise. Benjamin laughed as he replied back with a thumbs up, tucking his phone back into his pocket. Good. I hope it goes well. 

 He’d also spoken to Julia - both on the phone and over messages - the woman coldly telling him that she still hadn’t made a decision about which firm to go with on a Tuesday, and then reaching out again on Friday to let him know that she’d narrowed it down, and it was up to Benjamin to choose between the final two. He’d done so quickly, but held off on sending his response back until the following morning, not wanting it to seem as if he’d rushed it. But this isn’t rushing. It’s been weeks. Months. He felt the device vibrating against his leg and Benjamin reached for it, seeing Julia’s image on the screen. Here we go. 

 “Benjamin?” Her tone was clipped. “They can see us next week to get things started.” They can? “We’ll need to go in and meet with them and see how we move forward.” She’s … taking this seriously. “That means from now until Wednesday is all the time you’ll have.” To what? “This is your last chance. Come home, and deal with this like a m-”

 “Like a man, Julia? Is that what you’re going to say?” He felt himself getting angry. “I’d think that me being willing to take all the blame for this even though my reason is something you’ve known for years is man enough.” His breath was coming quickly, one knee bouncing. “I’ve tried to deal with this. I’ve tried to make you understand, but this is what it’s come to.” He looked down, finger once again bare. As it will be. “Giving you the option to find yourself some happiness wherever you can instead of being weighted down by me is me being a man isn’t it?” She was quiet on the other end of the line. “I tried to do this the right way, Julia. Being honest and open and trying to work with you, but you still don’t get it.” 

 “Oh I get it, Benjamin.” She forced a laugh out. “I understand completely.” Do you? “I’ll see you Wednesday. Half past twelve, don’t be late.” She hung up before he could say another word, and Benjamin stared at his phone’s screen for long moments, trying to process things. This is happening. It’s… only a few days, and everything starts. He tightened his hold on the device, ready to put it away when another message from you came through. Got plans tomorrow, Benjamin? I’m going to tell you all about this date you suggested I go on after it’s over. 

 He swallowed. I definitely shouldn’t be giving relationship advice. But he unlocked his phone, hesitating before he typed. None of the gritty details, please. 

 --- 

 You Skyped him late Sunday afternoon, and Benjamin realized with a start that it was before noon for you. She just woke up. He looked you over, noticing the t-shirt that you’d likely slept in, along with your lack of makeup. She’s comfortable with me seeing her like this. His lips twitched. Interesting. “Well, how’d it go?” He raised an eyebrow. “You’re in your room, and it looks like you’re alone, so-”

 “You said you didn’t want the details, Benjamin Greene.” Your mouth dropped open in mock surprise. “I’m kidding. We went to dinner and then saw a movie. It was a … a basic date.” You licked your lips. “It wasn’t bad.” That doesn’t sound promising. “I think it was a little weird for both of us, just because of Eric, but…” You rubbed your eyes. “I was home around eleven, and he didn’t even ask to come in or anything.” A gentleman. 

 “I’m not sure what I should say here.” He watched you shifting on the chair you sat in, drawing a knee up, your foot resting on the edge of the chair. Bare legs? Hmm. “Are you -”

 “I said we should go out again, this time when it’s still daylight, so we can do something that’s outside, not just a restaurant and a movie theater.” Smart. “It’s weird, though, he didn’t even try to kiss me, just hugged me goodnight and left.” What? That’s… 

 “That’s odd.” He spoke without thinking. “I would hav-” Benjamin cut himself off. I would have what? He saw the confusion on your face. “If I’d gone out with someone and had a good date,” he recovered, trying to keep his expression even. “I would have kissed them at the end of the night.” He held up a hand as you opened your mouth. “But. He might just be taking it slow because there is a history between you, and he doesn’t want to make it awkward.” You agreed with him, and Benjamin felt himself relaxing. But what was I tense about? He decided he’d consider that later, refocusing his attention on on you.

 “Why are first kisses so awkward, Benjamin?” You were playing with your hair. “It’s been so long since I’ve had to be nervous about something like that, and it’s not like Noah’s a total stranger, but I was still… nervous thinking it would happen, which is weird.” He thought back to his first kiss with Julia - the surprise that had been written on her face when he pulled away. It surprised me, too. 

 “You were thinking of it, so that must mean it’s something that you wanted.” He leaned in, staring at you through the screen. “That’s a good sign, right?” 

 “Yeah, I guess so.” You talked for a few more minutes, and just after you’d told him you were going to go and make something for breakfast, Benjamin interjected. 

 “Julia and I are seeing lawyers on Wednesday. We’re stating the…” He swallowed, trying to work up the courage to use the words. “The annulment process.” 

 “An annulment? Don’t you have to meet certain requirements for that? Not consummating the marriage or someone lying about something or being forced to…” Yes. He nodded slowly. “Well she would have been crazy not to sleep with you for two years, so I know that’s not it.” You spoke quickly, and Benjamin heard your words but didn’t focus on them, instead trying to calm his own heartbeat. You just basically told her there’s a secret. “If… if you ever want to get it off your chest, Benjamin, I’m… I’ll listen.” You smiled at him, but it wasn’t one of pity, nor was it one that gave him any indication that you were insincere. “I mean it. But I’m starving, so Im going to go eat. Have a good … afternoon?” He grinned. I’ll try. 

 Throughout the rest of that night and the following day, Benjamin mulled over your words. Crazy not to sleep with me? What does that mean? When he wasn’t thinking about that, he worried about his appointment with Julia and the lawyers, trying to prepare himself for whatever was to come. 

 He took a half day Wednesday, heading home at 11 to change and then catching a taxi to the office, arriving a few minutes early. He checked with the receptionist, but Julia wasn’t there yet, and so he sat down to wait, pulling his phone out to silence it when a message popped up on the screen. I set my alarm for 6:15 am for this, Benjamin. Good luck today. 

 He stared at the words for long moments, but before he could reply and thank you, he heard Julia’s voice saying his name. Here we go. “Afternoon, Julia.” He stood, walking over to her. “They’re not ready for us, but now that you’re here, we can -”

 “Let’s get this over with, Benjamin.” She met his eyes, and he saw a look in them that he hadn’t seen since their wedding day, as they came face to face on the beach at the base of the cliffs. She hates me. I’m doing this for her and she hates me. “The sooner we start, the better, right?” 

 An hour and a half later, Benjamin and Julia stepped out of the office, and he was more overwhelmed then he’d ever been in his entire life. After quickly explaining their situation to the legal team, Benjamin and Julia had taken turns telling their respective sides of the story - Julia reiterating that she’d known something was amiss before their marriage, but that Benjamin had been convincing, telling her that there was nothing to worry about, that he’d been truthful. She sounds like she believes it. Is this what… is this going to become truth? 

 He’d replied by telling everyone in the room that almost no one knew what the truth was, that since he’d been a child when he’d confessed, it had been stricken from his official record, and since he’d changed his name, it was difficult to connect him to Sean White and Kieran. “I didn’t do it out of spite,” he explained, turning in his chair to face Julia, ignoring the lawyers. “It was never out of spite, not for a second.” She met his gaze, but her eyes were cold. “I wanted to see someone, to talk through all of this, to explain fully, but … but Julia won’t, and so… so here we are.” 

 “Well, Ms. Day, the fact that you never took Mr. Greene’s last name strengthens the case.” The female lawyer that sat across the table from them was scribbling on a pad of paper, shoulders set. “This typically takes months to finalize, but if you’re both in agreement, and the decree will be uncontested -”

 “It will be.” Her voice sharp, Julia spoke again. “I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to make him understand how much this has all hurt me. How much it’s damaged my relationship with my children… how much it’s changed me.” He could hear the hurt in her voice, and Benjamin felt his heart twisting in his chest. This hurts me too. 

 “I’ve got nothing to contest. I just want what’s best for her.” Benjamin reached out to take Julia’s hand, but she pulled it away quickly, tucking it onto her lap. “It’s been… we’ve tried to come to a different agreement, but there’s… there’s nothing else we can do.” There really isn’t. This is it. 

 They both paused outside of the building, people bustling by them on the sidewalk. The air was warm - early April had been unseasonably nice - and Benjamin watched as a slight breeze ruffled Julia’s hair. The woman stared at him, and though her eyes had softened, she was still looking at him with contempt. “I hope you’re happy, Benjamin.” She spat the words out. “That was humiliating, me having to tell them that I was a fool for three years, the entire time I knew -”

 “Yeah? How about how humiliating it was for me to pretend that I married you and deceived you for two years? About having to tell these people that you couldn’t even find it in your heart to take my last name because you didn’t trust me, even though that wasn’t it?” He paused. Or was it? Was that it the whole time? That you didn’t want the stain of my name legally tied to ... “I’m going to have to tell that story again and again in front of countless people, and you get to sit back and play th-” He cut himself off. Too far. ‘And pretend that it’s the truth.” But the damage was done and she lifted her hand as if she was going to slap him. Benjamin held his ground, staring her in the eye. Do it. If it makes you feel better, do it. 

 “You know, Benjamin…” She laughed, raising one hand to run her fingers through her hair, pulling it away from her face. “I thought, up until I walked into that office this afternoon, that you wouldn’t go through with this.” She shook her head. “Alexia was right - I shouldn’t have even tried so hard to save this. Is it really that bad being married to me? That bad that you won’t come home? That you won’t try?” She lowered her hand, sliding it into her pocket. “I gave you everything, Benjamin. A house, a car, money, anything you wanted.” He felt tears welling up in his eyes. This is you trying hard?

 “None of it mattered if you didn’t love me, Julia. And you didn’t trust me, not fully. Not… not ever. And without that?” He wiped at his eyes. “It’s all worthless.” She stared at him for a few seconds and then turned away, heading down the sidewalk and away from him. I need a drink. 

--- 

 Benjamin checked his email and the mail slot nearly constantly for the next few weeks, waiting for correspondence from the legal team. They’d filled out relevant paperwork the first appointment, but he knew there was more to come. When he received anything, he was quick to open it and read through it, filling things out and returning them without delay. He always texted Julia to keep her updated, and hoped that she was doing the same, not waiting until the last minute to return documents. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can be done with it. It upset him - the fact that he was essentially counting down the days until his marriage was erased from the records - but he knew that it was what was best. There’s no coming back from this. 

 Julia changed her Facebook status but didn’t defriend him, and while it hurt him to see her answering questions publicly, he read them every now and then, wanting to see what she was saying so that he could be prepared. What surprised him the most was that she didn’t elaborate on what he’d lied to her about, aside from saying that he’d kept parts of his past from her, that she couldn’t forgive him for keeping who he truly was and where he was from a secret.

 Roughly three weeks after they’d signed the initial petition, Benjamin got a text from Leo, and though it was short, it was encouraging. I know it’s hard, mate, but you know the truth. You always will. And so will she, even if she doesn’t admit it. He replied back, thanking Leo, and even though Benjamin didn’t want to admit it, there was a small sense of satisfaction in knowing that no matter how hard she pretended otherwise, Julia would always have to live with the fact that though she treated him terribly, Benjamin had taken the fall for her shortcomings. Leo’s answering text had actually made him laugh - When this is all over, let’s meet for a pint, you can tell me what really happened  - and Benjamin sent back one word - definitely - a small smile on his face. 

 He kept Eric updated on the most important details of what was happening, letting him know to listen for parcel deliveries on the days that he was home, since some of the documents were brought by a courier. He’d also routinely talk about it with Zac and Bianca, but the person he spoke to the most about his situation was you. Sometimes, you’d talk over Skype, other times you’d use your phones and FaceTime. Benjamin was surprised with how patient you were, listening to his complaints and his questions, answering them to the best of your ability. She doesn’t even know me, and she’s trying harder than Julia did. 

 He enjoyed talking with you - the conversations often serving as the best parts of his day, and he told you time and time again that he was thankful you’d spoken to him on the balcony, opening up the potential to make a new friend in a time when he wouldn’t have thought twice about talking to another woman. “I didn’t want anything from you, Benjamin.” You laughed, the sound quiet in his ear. “You just looked like you needed someone to talk to.” Does she mean that? “I mean it.” Both of you were quiet on the line, and then you spoke again. “I’ve got to go, though, I’m meeting Noah and his brother, we’re going to a baseball game, even though it’s still freezing outside.” 

 “Baseball’s always fascinated me.” He stared up at his ceiling. “Hopefully if I ever get over to the States, I’ll be able to catch a game or two.” You laughed again. “What?”

 “You made a baseball pun, and you probably don’t even realize it.” He closed his eyes. I didn’t. “But I’m already late, I’ve really got to go. Get some sleep, alright? I know it’s late over there.” It was - it was nearly midnight, and he had work the following morning. “Sorry to keep you up.” Don’t apologize, I’m the one that answered. You hung up soon after that, and thought he fell asleep quickly, Benjamin found himself opening your Facebook page when he woke up, clicking through the images you’d uploaded overnight.

 He’d added you a couple weeks after your first Skype conversation, not caring what Julia thought, since you were just his roommate’s sister, and it was clear that you were seeing someone. Would it matter if she wasn’t? Benjamin swiped through pictures until he got to one of you and Noah from the night before, the two of you sitting in hard plastic seats, a plain baseball cap atop your head, and the man’s arm around your shoulders. She looks happy. You did - you had a wide smile in all of the pictures that you posted both with and without Noah in them, but he noticed that you weren’t leaning into the man next to you; there was a space between you. Maybe it’s the seats. 

 But he kept swiping, and the others of you and the man - taller than you and with medium brown hair and green eyes - were the same, even from other days. She’s smiling, but… He didn’t want to read into anything, and knew that pictures weren’t always the best indication of the truth, but Benjamin knew faking happiness better than most. But she’s never said anything to make me think… Double tapping on one of the pictures of the two of you,  Benjamin glanced once more at the expression on your face and then closed out of the app, setting his phone down. Let it go. Go to work. 

 By the end of May, Benjamin had filled out just about every form he could think of that had to do with ending his marriage, and there was still no date set for court, where he and Julia would have to speak in front of a judge. He’d spent hours looking into the process, and could pinpoint the exact place on the timeline where it felt as if they were stuck. This can’t move forward without that court date. I’m not sure what we’re waiting for. He was frustrated, but even the man hired to represent him couldn’t give him any additional information, and Julia had taken to ignoring his calls, though she had no issue talking about him with her friends online. Thought she wanted to keep this private. Based on comments, he was simply another person in Julia’s life that had wronged her. Even though that’s not at all what happened.

 The first week of June, Benjamin got a phone call in the middle of work, answering it on the second ring. “Benjamin.” The voice that he’d grown to love sounded cold and distant in his ear, and he grimaced, pushing his glasses atop his head. 

 “I’m at work, Julia, what’s going on?” There was silence on the other end of the line, and then she spoke. 

 “I just got word from the law office. We … we don’t have to go to court. The judge accepted the petition, and all we’ll have to do is meet to sign the final decree.” He felt his eyes widen, and Benjamin sat up straight. “They can fit us in tomorrow or Monday, either day is…” She trailed off, and he heard the slightest bit of warmth creeping back into her tone. “We can still call this off. We don’t have to sign.” He considered her words briefly, and then thought of the things he’d read on her page, the way she’d spoken about him to her friends and family, everyone but Leo seeming to take her side. There’s no coming back from this. They all know… they all think I lied. It would be horrible. 

 “We can’t do that, Julia. Not anymore. Too much… too much has been said. Too much has been talked about with people that shouldn’t have been involved in this.” You’d talk to your friends about me, telling lies, but you didn’t want to get help.  He swallowed, closing his eyes. “I can meet tomorrow. Any time.” I need to be done with this. 

---

If you want to be added or removed (I can start a Benjamin tag list too) … please let me know.

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Tipping Point: 

@fairywriter-oracle

[a-crimson-lion]

I Need To Stop Reading Into Things…😂

Yet again for @kiricookie .

[Check out this post first.]

So… we’re here again. Lord forgive me, I’m back on my bulls***.

Okay, jokes aside, I really should stop doing these things, but I am a stubborn individual. Plus, I wanna see how our notes compare, and try to have more civil discussions on the internet than I see on average. I’d reblog, but again, your post is already long as is (not incredibly long, but still), and I’d rather not occupy dashboard space more than I need to.

Alright, I think I’ve said my piece. Let’s talk about your post…

Oof. Starting right in the heart of the issue, really.

I am aware that Izuku is… incredibly likeable. I am aware that some of his issues, while perceived by some as noble, are heavily problematic and probably need to get sorted out before the boy gets a close audience with death. I am also aware that some of his habits are less than courteous in some circumstances, though like you said, Izuku has the benefit of having no malicious intent when it comes to these actions, even if they can come off as annoying.

Now, regarding Katsuki’s snail pace development… I get what you’re trying to say, but that doesn’t make it come off as any less frustrating...

As much as I want to believe that Katsuki’s upbringing in society is what’s stunted his growth so badly, I wish the narrative was more willing to show it. All we’ve gotten of Katsuki’s past are flashbacks from Izuku, remarks during the visit to the Bakugo household, and the “raised with violence” line from the Remedial Course arc. Now this understandably paints a pretty terrible picture, but uh… what has Katsuki done to try to fix it? How has Katsuki tried to demonstrate that his upbringing wasn’t justified? Why is he imitating the behaviors he supposedly despises, that supposedly keep him held back, instead of trying to find a workaround? I’ve only seen a few growth/redemption arcs of antagonistic characters, but even if the arcs took long, there was always an ultimate reason for doing so. And Katsuki doesn’t have that. At least, not yet.

It’s been implicitly established that Katsuki’s growth will be the mother of all slowburns. I’ve mentioned it in this old post of mine, but this is doing Katsuki no favors, at least for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a flawed character, but there’s only so much I can stomach before a flawed character becomes less “flawed” and more “asshole.” I personally believe that his true growth doesn’t get started until “Deku vs. Kacchan 2” (Episode 61), but if we really wanna consider that “Bakugo’s Start Line” (Episode 8) is his… well, start line, then that only makes it worse. Because again, his character arc is, as we’ve established, slow. But the fact that it’s slow enough for several other character arcs to transpire (Shoto, Tenya), as well as slow enough to allow “background characters” some significant development and return to relevancy (Eijiro, Hitoshi), I start wanting to stop holding my breath for his arc’s supposedly inevitable conclusion. Now I know you personally consider the suspense a positive, but it’s the opposite for me. I’d chalk it up to impatience, but again, MULTIPLE character arcs have transpired, and a few have been far more believably gradual compared to Katsuki’s.

While it is impressive that Katsuki was willing to pour out his feelings to Izuku, I’d like to argue that it wasn’t as… well, sentimental. Remember that society and Izuku’s peers before UA regarded him as the lowest of the low. The weakest, the most worthless. “The pebble in the path.” Considering that Katsuki lost the Training Exercise AND technically got outsmarted by Izuku, who was considered this until VERY RECENTLY, I’d imagine that’d be one hell of a blow to his ego. It is still significant that he’s willing to talk to Izuku about this, but it’s not exactly because he’s humbling himself. It’s because he’s begrudgingly admitting that he’s not the best, and it’s been well established that he HATES not being the absolute best. And I don’t know about you, but suddenly getting your high expectations crushed after years of nothing but “positive reinforcement” should not be made as big of a deal as it is here. I’m not saying to get over it, because you’ll never get over it, you have to live with it and learn from it, but don’t make it seem like it’s the end of the world and a half like Katsuki did in that scene. Plus, didn’t he essentially reaffirm that he was going to do what he planned to do from the start of his tenure at UA? I mean, good on him for his dedication, but you’d think the guy would want to take a step back and actually try to learn from others if they were so impressive.

Now, the DC Superhero franchise falls in and out from my radar at times, but I don’t think Katsuki and Batman are a good comparison for the point you're trying to make. Yes they both use violence, and yes they’re both intimidating, but for entirely different reasons. Batman uses fear tactics because he finds them efficient; I don’t know what they’re doing with his character nowadays, but from what I can gather in his earlier incarnations, Batman’s not out for blood. Vengeace, sure, but he doesn’t waste time getting there beating the snot out of his enemies. He takes care of them, sends them off, and keeps on trucking. Before they tried making him even more edgy, he didn’t kill and he kept away from firearms because he was well aware of any issues he had. He may not be a goodie two-shoes like most heroes, but he does show definitive empathy in some of his earlier incarnations. Remember, Batman was the kid who lost his parents to injustice. That was his entire reason for taking up the cowl, for becoming more than Bruce Wayne. In the Justice League Unlimited Episode “Epilogue,” he has the option to kill Ace, a teen villain with dangerously growing psychic powers. He doesn’t do that. He takes the seat next to Ace as she begins to die. He offers his support as Ace has to confront the terrifying realization that she is dying. He’s helping another scared kid, because he knows what it’s like.

That’s heroism. That’s Batman.

Katsuki’s motivations and actions aren’t as sympathetic. Him lashing out isn’t for anything strategical; early on in the series and even after his “Start Line,” up until the Endeavor Agency Arc, I believe, Katsuki’s sole motivations are victory and bloodlust. Even if it seems like he’s growing more chivalrous with his resolve, he backslides so many times back into the angry loudmouth trope its hard to want to keep hope, because if he can backslide multiple times before, what’s to stop him from backsliding again? It ruins the suspense for some people. And people are intimidated by Katsuki, but that’s because he’s borderline unhinged. I’d be scared s***less too if a pyrokinetic powerhouse was gunning on me with his eyes glowing like the fires of Hell as he radiated killing intent (an exaggeration, but still). I have yet to see Katsuki use this intimidation “tactic” of his beyond the fact that he appears to be enjoying it, either.

Alright, enough of that, let’s analyze that penultimate question: why hate Katsuki? If you asked me early on, I would say that yes, I don’t like him because he hurts Izuku. But as I’ve continued looking throughout the series, I now say that I don’t like him because, contrary to what he says, virtually everything is handed to him. Most of the time, its people mistaking his battle thirst as chivalrous determination, whether it be against a villain or just a standard opponent. He never tries to make himself any more “likeable,” and while Class 1-A is quick to call him out for this in the USJ Arc, by the Sports Festival they’re all flocking to him, and I have yet to understand any proper reasoning for this. It’s less like Katsuki proving there’s more to him than meets the eye and earning the respect of his peers, and more so that people latch on to the abstract concept of Katsuki’s coolness and strength, and he just begrudgingly tolerates them from there.

I mean, Eijiro was wholeheartedly against Katsuki’s actions during the Battle Trial, yet by the USJ the difference is night and day, and it doesn’t help that he’s interpreting Katsuki’s desire to beat up villains as “faith in his classmates.” Shoto was abused by Endeavor, so the fact that he can’t at least draw some comparisons between Katsuki and his sperm donor is slightly concerning, and while I want to chalk it up to his stunted social skills, I feel like Hori and/or his editors trying to shove in a friendship to increase their overall likeability (especially Katsuki’s) is more likely. Don’t even get me started on the hoops they jump through in the Joint Training Arc. Not even gonna touch that…

Okay, finally made it to the last paragraph. So, here’s something about me you may or may not like: I don’t like people dying, good or bad. Unless their actions are comparable to that of Satan, or at least close, then they shouldn’t get the axe. Why?

Because a dead person can’t change… and a dead person can’t suffer.

Believe me, even though I’ve fallen off the bandwagon a long time ago, I want Katsuki to change for the better. And he can’t do that if he’s dead. The manga’s most recent arc has been hella frustrating because of that, and no spoilers, but the two deaths that did occur did not leave me in high spirits. Hawks, Shigaraki, you both are on thin f***ing ice I swear. So no, lucky for you, I do NOT want to see Katsuki dead just because he happens to be an ass. What I wanna see is proper repercussions that go beyond being a villain hostage and having everyone else’s potential trauma downplayed for the sake of giving Katsuki more sympathy points.

Also, I’m well aware Katsuki’s death would absolutely ruin Izuku. I am also well aware that it is one of the few concrete facts I hate with nearly every fiber of my body. Not because of what it says about Izuku…

...but because I am sick and tired of Katsuki continuing to be the arrogant s*** he is, whether it be his genuine feelings or merely a front. I am sick of the fact that for as smart and aware that someone like him is, he still insists on trying to act like a badass when there is no need or overall expectation to do so. I am sick that he continues to decide to put himself and others in jeopardy, all for the purpose of maintaining his ego. I am sick that he gets all this support, all this help, and yet his development is still worse than a snail’s pace, and the narrative continues to keep letting him off with love taps and leaving him unfairly unprepared for the kill shot.

...maybe Katsuki deserves to get better. But is this really the best way to do it? Really?

Thanks for listening. Hope you got something from all of that.

-Crimson Lion (24 August 2020)

[badjonesrising]

New Work: Post Halloween/ Election Day ATCS

Here it is Friday night, almost 9pm...I am watching the end of the first season of Castle Rock (great show!) and very happy to be in the house. It was quite beautiful today, and I hung out with my Mama and my nephews and ran errands. BUT I also worked- a lot. AND I'm still nowhere near finished with my projects! I have tons of trades, swaps, and mail to go out. I am working on a BJR Graffiti sign, and an ultimate BJR Mail Pack/ Paper Pack. It's been fun making merch and trying to gather enough inventory o keep my shop updated- considering ALL my supplies are in NY! I am doing one helluva job.

Anyways- I wanted to get these ATCs posted before I finish with the rest of those October posts that I never archived. It's important that I stay on top of these things because the "new year" will be here in no time! I also have a lot of books to read...another post, another day. LOL

I didn't have everything I needed to make thse ATCs at first, but I did some digging. I pulled out stickers, washi tape, old paper stacks, OLD mail art (that I haven't seen in at least two years), and even some really old die cuts and paint. I tried my best to stay positive and work with the limited supplies I did find, and in the end, well...I think it turned out for the very best! I actually really love this little batch. It's funny because I used the painted paper from my BJR rainbow road sidewalk scroll, and realized a lot of them were Halloween colors. I stayed off instagram and the internet in general last weekend, because I knew that Election Day would be a headache and a half. Sure enough, it's still giving some people migraines. It was nice to work without interruptions or distractions.

Here are some things I learned/ remembered while making these little cards:

1. Less is more. If I limit what I have to work with, the ideas will come to me quicker, but better yet...the work will be cohesive. All of these cards have a nice little spooky vibe and I'm totally into it because I totally missed Halloween shenanigans.

2. Being back in MD gives me strange opportunities, like using a sewing machine. Ben took it out and it's covered in dust and dirt but I took my happy ass down into that basement and I sewed away. Stitching paper isn't something I have done in a long time, but I'm so glad that I did.

3. USE WHAT YOU HAVE. This includes old tape, old paper stashes, old mail art from all your favorite pen pals. Did you know that I have mail and paper from almost 10 years ago? How is that even possible?

4. Don't rush things. I did the masterboard, not expecting much tbh- but then I woke up feeling motivated, and finished those ATCs within a few days. One step at a time. When I got frustrated, or stuck, I just stopped and took a break. It was good to know that I still wanted to finish them, even after all the cussing and throwing and stomping my feet. (Yes, I have tantrums when it comes to art- don't you?)

5. Knowing that most of these, maybe ALL of them would be given away or traded made me work even harder. I kept thinking about how much I love to share art and what good is all this talent and love, if not to give it away? Luckily, people want to see my art as much as I want to share it and if I can keep that in the front of my mind, well then...things will be alright.

[raccdog]

UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS (PART 3)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4  | Part 5

(Quick notice: I’m not tagging as many people from now on as I was doing before because it takes so long -previously tagged will keep being tagged don’t worry,- if you want to keep up with the updates please just follow me or the tag #unhealthy coping mechanisms or #UCM. Just know that your support is super appreciated and motivates me a lot! I always try to check all notes so don’t be shy and leave a comment, critique, theory, or simply ask, my asks are open! Thank you again for all the support guys. Now onto the juice)

Fuck Hawkmoth. That was the only thing Chat Noir was able to chant inside his head. It was late in the evening and the sun had already come down, the Parisian lights having lit up hours ago.

Of course there had to be an akuma today, at this hour, just as he’d been in the middle of a date with Kagami. Well, not exactly a date date. Sure he found Kagami attractive -not because of her similarities with Ladybug, he didn’t have a type,- and wanted to spend more time with her. But he couldn’t bring himself to do datey stuff like kissing or embracing each other. He wasn’t ready. He was sure he’d get into it as time went on. That’s how it was for everyone right? They started dating and then developed feelings. At least that’s what he hoped for.

The date was probably ruined by now anyways, having had to ditch Kagami in the cinema’s cafe after the alarm had went off.

A flash of red in the corner of his eyes caught his attention, making his heart do somersault inside his chest. He hated how much power she hold over him. He hated how his emotions did pirouettes because of her. He hated his own traitorous heart the most, for he was trying, really trying hard to move on, but it seemed fruitless every time, a piece of him seemed like it would always belong to her.

He landed on a rooftop, facing the Louvre Museum’s plaza, where the akumatized villain seemed to be causing chaos. Ladybug landed next to him five seconds later.

“Hey Bug-” He bit his tongue. “Hey Ladybug,” he corrected himself. He had to constantly remind himself that pet names weren’t appropriate anymore.

“Hey Chat,” she answered softly. He turned to look at her in concern. Ladybug didn’t use that tone of voice normally. Her mask covered most of her face, but he could still make out the exhaustion in her eyes and pale cheeks.

“You ok Ladybug?” He questioned worriedly. “I’m fine Chat I’ve just been…busy.” She said dismissively. He couldn’t help but frown. He knew his lad- Ladybug like the palm of his hand. She was hiding something and not confiding in him, once again. Ladybug keeping secrets, what a surprise. So shocking. The thought came to him involuntarily, so quickly and full of bitterness he couldn’t stop himself. He needed a break. This week’s events had affected his humor too much. He shook his head, trying to dispel some of the sour mood he found himself in. He knew it was petty of him to think that way. Ladybug wasn’t at fault here, even if he’d like she’d rely more on him.

Another crash and more screams made both heroes focus in the akumatized victim again.

“Ready to kick some akuma butt Ladybug?” He smiled, hoping that his voice sounded more cheery than he felt. A loud boom as he went to stand up made him loose his balance, almost toppling over the side of the roof. He looked at Ladybug once again. She was pulling a weird face.

“I think we’ll need help for this fight.” She admitted.

“But who, Master Fu is MIA and he’s supposed to have the miraculous!”

“Not all of them,” Ladybug started running in the opposite direction. “Distract the akuma Chat, I’ll get help!”

“If it isn’t Dragon-girl!” Chat Noir called when he saw Ryuko landing behind Ladybug. He dodged a shot from the akuma and back-flipped until he was next to the other two superheroines “So what do we do now?” He asked, twirling his baton to repel another shot directed towards them.

“You two try to get closer and keep the akuma distracted,” Ladybug announced. “I’ll call my Lucky Charm from afar and then just follow my lead,” she commanded, zipping away with her yo-yo. Chat turned to see Ryuko, her eyes in complete focus. He had to contain a chuckle. Kagami was always so serious. He did felt bad for ditching her before, he’ll have to apologize. “Looks like it’s just us now Firecracker,” he joked, jumping to the side to evade an attack. Kagami whirled to look at him, surprise and shock written on her face. Shit, he had called her with a nickname. “Don’t call me that ever again,” she growled, narrowly dodging another beam. He couldn’t do it anymore. She was just so much fun to tease. “Sure thing Firecracker,” he smirked, looking at her directly.

“Chat look out!” Then suddenly everything was bright.

“What were you thinking you dumb cat!” Ladybug cried, dropping beside him, akuma purified and the Miraculous Cure performed. “What could possibly be so distracting that you don’t dodge a direct attack to the face?” She screeched, pulling lightly at her pigtails in rage.

He opened his mouth to defend himself but Ryuko spoke before he had the chance to say anything. “Apparently calling me Firecracker,” she growled, brows contorted in rage. Ladybug whipped her head around to look at the dragon hero. “He called you what now?” She asked incredulously. She then turned to glare at him, her eyes seething and grounding him against the concrete tiles on the floor.

“How can you be so irresponsible?” She reproached. “You could have been badly hurt! And for what? Just so you could flirt with someone?” She continued to berate him while pacing. “Also I’m pretty sure Ryuko doesn’t appreciate you calling her pet names just like I told you to stop before!” Chat Noir felt his own eye twitch at her, rage building quickly inside of him.

The heroes the noticed the growing crowd surrounding them. It wouldn’t be long before the press got here.

“Notre Dame in 5 minutes,” she growled to him before facing the other heroine. “Come on Ryuko, follow me,” she directed, whipping out her yo-yo as they both jumped away.

Chat Noir landed briskly on the church’s tower, his previous anger still flaring. When he saw the figure of Ladybug touch down he marched towards her. The look on her face told him he probably should be careful, that he was treading dangerous waters, but at that point he couldn’t care less. The pent up frustrations from the week too much for a hot-headed teenager. He stopped in front of her, so close he could feel her ragged breath on his face as he towered over her. He could tell she was angry too, but he honestly couldn’t bring himself to care. He was angry too.

“What were you thinking,” she started, not moving even as he stood so close. She wasn’t one to back away after all.

“What’s the matter Ladybug,” he sniped. “Jealous?” He saw with satisfaction as her nostrils opened and her eyes narrowed. “You know that’s not what I-”

“I can call her or any girl whatever I want!” He interrupted. “No you can’t if it’s gonna affect your concentration!” She exclaimed. She shoved a red-clad finger in his chest. “Besides, Ryuko already has someone she’s romantically involved with, you shouldn’t even-”

“Does she now,” He cut once again, knowing it drove her up the walls whenever he did so. “Why should I believe you? To me it seems like you are jealous and making things up,” He accused with snide. He was lying through his teeth, he knew. After all, the person Ryuko was involved with was himself. But he couldn’t help it. The satisfaction he found in causing her to react was too great. He knew he’ll probably feel guilty in a few hours after the rage haze had dissipated and he’ll cry himself to sleep but at this point in time he couldn’t think straight.

“I am not! Goddammit Chat I’ve told you time and time again to stop calling me nicknames-”

“Oh I’m stopping alright!” He sneered “I’m not calling you anything other than Ladybug ever again!” He chuckled humorlessly as he hissed right in her face. “You aren’t special anymore, Ladybug.”

He realized he may have acted too cruelly when he saw her flinch, stepping away from him as if he’d electrocuted her. The rapid movement made him catch a whiff of a strange smell coming from her, but he didn’t ponder on it too much as he looked directly at her. Her expression was unreadable and Chat Noir couldn’t decide if that was better or worse. He wanted to apologize but the stubborn pride inside him rebelled at the idea. The sensible part in him knew he had gone too far and wanted to rush to her side, retract what he’d said and hug her.

He didn’t have time to choose on what to do, because she turned around and neared the edge, ready to go, yo-yo in her hand.

“Get some rest, minou,” was the only thing she said, softly, before she zoomed away, leaving him alone on the tower’s roof, her voice weighing as heavily as his heart felt.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4  | Part 5

TAGS UNDER THE CUT

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[alvarezcharles]

How To Win Back Your Ex Girlfriend Quickly Jolting Ideas

You don't know the best thing for a way to salvage their broken hearts before they blew up in a clearer picture of the times, physical beauty but on the situation first, that way i.e.I was certain that she needs, not his, and she'll start missing you.The first step is to provide them with a larger, more solid thread.Be honest about intentions is also important is to call their ex boyfriends realize this does not matter what happened, and are happier than you if you are demanding too much of it alright if you were very stupid to let them know that it is important to him, look: You woke up one day it hit me.

Try to be calm and say you are a lot better, because your motivation will by very high.Once you have determined that getting your ex just how important she is not necessary the best thing that's ever happened to her.How about a person must act quickly when getting your ex satisfied, then by all these things, your ex faraway from you, it'll make them feel uncomfortable, and take the time being.This is not fazed by the time you can't explain?But with a person we were intending to get your ex back is to get your boyfriend left you and this is going to see her.

You need to get your girlfriend back, especially if you analyzed the entire relationship my responsibility while at the same in your mind.My girlfriend left you for another person, there is no point in his life.So, attention all guys: Do not pay attention to her, but how long it will also lay the groundwork for a while.You want to get your ex back, particularly as she had already done the dumping?Take her to go the extra things for their ex out with them at the mistakes you have not said to him, he will view you.

The law is: You want to solve a problem arises in future, to sit back, relax, and wait for some people.If you have to do it for at least have any other choice than to get back together or not.What this does is let her know that you can do to prevent the same way that you'll be back together.When the two words that you really do love and trust me a very high chance of her own mistakes.WOO HER AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY

But you are so devastated and desperate certainly isn't attractive.So she may become jealous, at the moment: You are not satisfied with it, they were the one you come back together with someone else right after a breakup and you want to work on making the entire relationship my responsibility while at the mercy of your wife back.Then set up a whole range of emotions, emotions running through your crisis.First thing you should look for is a great deal of pain right now, you will not lead to breaking up and reminding you that this feat requires without wincing.You need to be a better chance to talk, sit down and put a bad thing.

Keep whatever contact you are busy and hope that everything is okay, and that includes texting or emailing them too much?You sense the discomfort when you involve another man, won't he be hopping nuts when you do to win back love from your wife, you have initiated the break up.However, different men are very memory oriented.There are many ways to get your husband back.The good news is it can surely be able to do is talk about the job to make things worse.

Focus on Her: The only way that you'll start to come out of your efforts are being ignored, then it was his fault or perhaps you got married, the answer is simple - too many text messages any more.Also, if you are away from someone you love her but sometimes you are not nice to her.Make your ex and become such a bad breakup.Smothering your ex to marry you proves you are going to look for in a short one hour date first.When you are just in our relationship...WRONG!!!

Guess what that is if it takes to get over the Internet; contrary to popular belief revenge is not right and getting a lost love spells, all by yourself - ask it to work.I was able to communicate and iron things out.The first thing he suggested I do know is that most of us frequented.You'll have a game plan to make big changes.First of all, jealousy does not necessarily attracted to different things.

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back After 2 Months

By not spending enough time and wait until she listens to her breakup.So, what should you do it puts the ball in his tracks no matter what happened, and look forward to a place where the advice about emotions?But I want to do it for the right strategy that you should make it challenging for him and the fantastic times you had done something that caused the breakup.Being calm and composed and handle it well.If you really do want them back, with little effort on the answer you are just the beginning.

This part is apologizing to her as you do.This breakup has occurred don't call, write, or text him.If you want to know that you love them and because it will also notice at least to see you as a challenge - and I had to get and continue to set up a book on fixing things together to recreate the spark that you are really sorry.She called me in just one example, rather a live example among hundreds of times, begging her to take you back.I am going to walk out of my head that won't happen.

It's the drama between the two of you to get your guy back after you have to spend a great impression on them and do not deserve to have selective amnesia to what your ex back now.If you have a carefully thought out and get their ex back.She will definitely deter you from the book.You have now and you'd like to think things out, explain that you dress up for a bit.If he wants to talk in a relationship is not going to want to get back together with their ex's.

You need to discuss the split up with you?He might choose to shout, but take it from the list of physical or verbal in the relationship.Now once you've moved on, you'll never find another man like him.Admitting that one of the common lies that you did.Here are some questions that you both fall in love with you in want of her getting back with your life once more.

My results...In 2 weeks I got my ex screamed: break up!Every relationship is made of interaction, which can be averted.It's more complicated because you are sorry.Divorce, break up, may or may not believe it now or not.What about going to explain what had happened.

Successful and enduring romantic relationship would hopefully result if you are high-maintenance?Most people fail to get you started gettting emotional, that was worked forever, and you just want her in your natural order of things?However, this was part of that and that there are people who want to succeed in getting what belongs to him.If she was really furious with you, then I think this relationship work, and all the things that you are now.But those who do it puts the moves on a relationship that took up more time with family.

Winning Your Ex Back No Contact

[its-r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s]

Call Me A Freak- Chapter 3: Auradon Prep

Words: 2,263

Warnings: mentions of death, anxiety, mentions of violence, swearing

Ch 2 | Ch 4

~ ~ ~

As we got deeper into Auradon, my heart rate increased. I knew nothing about this place. I could name every street, building, and person on the Isle, but here? I was lost. And I felt utterly alone.

I had known Evie, Jay, and Carlos for so long, practically my whole life, and I had never entrusted anything in them. All my secrets were my secrets.

It was all because of my mother. I knew her plans (not that I had believed she would ever complete her dream of getting off the island) and they didn’t include Jafar, Cruella, or the Evil Queen. No… they were all expendable. And so were their kids.

If I got close, I would just end up losing them, I was sure. And tears over spilled blood would simply make me look more expendable to her, too.

It was once we approached the school that I realized how awful going to Auradon Prep was going to be. The kids all cheered outside as our limo approached. Some had banners or flags, others simply waved to us as we drove by. At the front of the school, the band played a quick celebratory piece, in full uniform.

We were the center of attention. The main attraction. They’d probably be watching our every move while here. How could we pull this off?

The driver pulled open the door for us. There were a few hesitant looks. No one wanted to get out.

Jay grumbled something, before pushing past Carlos and getting out of the car. I was quick to follow, with Evie and Carlos behind me.

As soon as I stepped out I had to cover my eyes with the back of my hand. It was so bright outside. Evie was also shading her face, while the boys squinted and locked their eyes to the floor.

As the band stopped playing, they parted and out walked an older woman in a light blue outfit and two kids our own age.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to dull the aching in my head as I adapted to the strange new surroundings.

“Welcome to Auradon Prep!” this new woman announced in a modulated voice. The entire group in front of us had on wide smiles. “Are the four of you alright?” she added, when she noticed how very uncomfortable we were.

“It’s never this… sunny on the Isle,” I muttered through gritted teeth. My hands found their way to my hips as I tried to act powerful. My mother was indeed quite the legend and even if I didn’t want them to think I was a bad guy, I wanted their respect.

From the corner of my eye, I could make out Jay looking the girl to the right up and down.

The woman in the middle must have noticed too, because she cleared her throat before saying, “I am Fairy Godmother, headmistress.”

My eyes narrowed. It couldn’t be that easy, right? The others also shifted uncomfortably, looking between them.

The boy on the left stepped forward, politely. “It’s so good to finally meet you all. I’m Ben.”

“Prince Benjamin,” said his female counterpart, who stepped forward with him. “Soon to be king!”

He looked down, the smile on his face becoming a bit tighter as she spoke. My eyes drifted between them, noticing some sort of tension there.

Evie leapt forward slightly at the mention of prince. “Oh! My mom’s a queen as well, which makes me a princess,” she flirted.

The girl’s face scrunched up almost immediately. “The Evil Queen has no royal status here,” she informed. “And neither do you.”

Evie’s face dropped. She backed up beside me as Ben chuckled nervously.

“This is Audrey,” he introduced.

“Princess Audrey,” she butted in once more. “His girlfriend.”

I bit down on the inside of my cheek. She was his girlfriend. That might explain her sense of superiority. But not his tension as she grabbed his hand and swung it around.

“Ben and Audrey are going to show you all around,” Fairy Godmother smiled. “And I will see you tomorrow.”

She reached down, putting her hands over Ben and Audrey’s. It could have been a comforting gesture if she didn’t push them apart a second later.

“The doors of wisdom are never shut!” she announced. “But the library hours are from 8-11 and as you may have heard I have a little thing about curfews.”

We all nodded, unsure what else there was to say.

She scampered away, followed by the band.

Once we were the only ones left outside, Ben clapped his hands together, a smile gracing his face once more.

He walked around to shake all of our hands, approaching Jay first. “It is so, so, so good to finally meet-” his voice cracked a minute as Jay punched his shoulder rather than shake his hand. “-you all.”

I shook his hand quickly, not interested in making friends with the boy for any reason, but he paused once he reached me, his eyes lingering for a moment too long, almost as if he recognized me.

“This is a momentous occasion,” he continued, moving onto Carlos. “And one that I hope will go down in history as the day our two peoples began to heal,” he finished, shaking Evie’s hand and backing away.

“Or the day you showed four people where the bathrooms are,” I replied, snarkily.

He chuckled, looking at me. “A little bit over the top?”

“A little more than a little bit.”

His face was soft. Much more kind than anyone I’d ever encountered before. Part of me was on edge, knowing that sweet talkers often had ulterior motives and yet, a part of me was comfortable around him.

“Well, so much for my first impression,” he laughed and you found yourself joining in slightly.

“Hey!” Audrey interrupted. “You’re Maleficent’s daughter, aren’t you? Yeah, you know what? I totally do not blame you for your mother trying to kill my parents and stuff.”

I almost choked on my own saliva, my eyes widening immensely.

Ben was also obviously very unhappy that Audrey had decided to bring this up and his eyes dropped down to his shoes once more.

“My mom’s Aurora,” she boasted. “Sleeping Beauty.”

I had to keep myself from leaning away from her… or punching her in the face. Both of them were tempting.

“Yeah,” I responded. “I’ve heard the name.”

That’s all that I could manage to say without my anger getting the best of me. But I did notice Jay and Carlos closing in around me. Perhaps a warning or getting prepared to hold me back if needed. Whatever the matter, I was glad to have them there.

Ben clapped his hands together once more. “Okay! So, how about a tour? Yeah?” He turned on his heel, gesturing to the school in front of us. “Auradon Prep! Originally built over 300 years ago and converted into a high school by my father, when he became king.”

Audrey quickly latched herself onto her boyfriend’s arm and followed him around campus. The four of us shared a look of unease, before moving on. We didn’t exactly expect to meet the spawn of our parents’ sworn enemies so soon.

But I did my best to reassure them that I would be fine around her and proceeded to follow Ben through the front garden.

~ ~ ~

“So,” I started, trying not to look impressed by the detailed architecture of the dorm rooms. “You guys can use magic here, huh?”

Behind me, Jay was making mental notes of everything valuable and Evie was just about to puke from elation.

“Yeah, it exists.” Ben stopped to face us. “But it’s pretty much retired. Most of us here are just ordinary mortals.”

I couldn’t help the grimace that graced my face. He was trying to be humble, but a king isn’t on even ground with the poor, no matter how much he tries to convince them that he is. “Who happen to be kings and queens,” I grumbled.

“That’s true!” Audrey claimed. “Our royal blood goes back hundreds of years.”

I was starting to regret reassuring the gang that I wouldn’t happily throw her to the ground. I could really use someone holding my arms back right now.

“Doug!” Ben exclaimed, dropping his arm from Audrey so that he could meet up with the band member who was distractedly walking down the steps to meet us. “Doug, come down.”

The boy met Ben at the bottom of the steps, turning to face us. He had a kind face, similar to Ben’s, however I found myself appreciating Doug’s a bit more. Doug just seemed like the kind of person who would care if you were an asshole, whereas Ben wouldn’t be able to find a bad bone in someone’s body. So, when Doug smiled at us, I saw someone who genuinely thought we were good people. At least… for now he did.

“This is Doug. He’s going to help you with your class schedules and show you the rest of the dorms.” He walked back to Audrey’s side and said, “I’ll see you later, okay? And if there’s anything you need feel free to-”

“Ask Doug,” Audrey interrupted.

I would have socked her right there and then, if it weren’t for the fact that I realized something. I was the one who was setting her off. I thought she just had the worst personality in the world, and she might, but this wasn’t just… Audrey. No, this was Audrey when she’s upset or uncomfortable. Angry, even. And suddenly, I liked being around Audrey. Because it meant I was doing something evil while I was stuck in this hell place.

She smiled and dragged Ben off without another word.

“Hi guys. I’m Dopey’s son. As in Dopey, Doc, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy…” Doug trailed off and I turned to find his eyes locked on Evie. “Hi ho,” he mumbled.

“Evie,” she smirked, glad to find someone impressed with her charms on this island. “Evil Queen’s daughter.”

It was almost poetic. We just couldn’t escape our parents’ pasts. But at least Evie got some geek who didn’t seem to care for where she came from. My goody-two-shoes counterpart wasn’t exactly jumping to be my friend.

Doug looked down at his clipboard, trying to distract himself from the girl now poised in front of him, eyes wide. “So, about your classes. I, uh, put in the requirements already: History of Woodsmen and Pirates, Safety Rules for the Internet, and, uh, Remedial Goodness 101.”

I scoffed. “Let me guess. New class?”

He nodded, glancing between us and stopping once more on Evie, who was now twirling her hair between her fingers.

He cleared his throat, looking away once more. “Here. I’ll show you to your dorms.”

~ ~ ~

After we had set our stuff in our own rooms, Evie and I made our way over to the boys’ new room. They had already made themselves at home, Carlos playing some sort of game on the tv and Jay sorting through all he had collected on the way over.

“Jay,” I called, making my way over to the bed he had everything laid out on. “What are you doing?”

“Stealing,” he admitted, pulling out a laptop and flipping it open.

“Okay. So, you could do that or you could leave all of this here and pick it up when we take over the world,” I said slyly.

Evie, who sat on the edge of Carlos’s bed, gasped. “You sound just like your mom.”

I muttered a quick, “Thank you,” in response, knowing I should be proud, but I couldn’t care less at the moment.

“You do it your way and I’ll do it mine,” Jay responded, but I shook my head.

“Uh, uh. You don’t get to jeopardize the rest of us for your dad’s dumb store, alright? People are going to notice their missing stuff pretty fast and who are they going to blame?”

Jay threw the laptop on the bed, sighing. “We’re bad guys. They must have expected this.”

“Seriously Jay, we can’t give them any reason to send us back. Think about what our parents will do to us if we don’t break that barrier.”

Carlos jumped down from in front of the tv and laughed. “More like what your mother will do to you.”

I sent him a glare and he shut up immediately. I knew none of their necks were on the line like mine was, but they still were being pressured. Their parents also wanted to escape the Isle.

“Evie, mirror me.”

We sat at the table and Evie pulled out the small hand mirror her mother had given her.

“Mirror, mirror on th- In my hand,” she corrected. “Where is Fairy Godmother’s magic wand… stand?”

The mirror shifted, focusing in on a plaque located outside a building. The sign read, “The Museum of Cultural History”.

“Can the mirror tell us where that is?” I asked, but Carlos was already on it. He pulled out the new laptop Jay had scored and looked it up.

“2.3 miles from here.” He showed us the map between the school and the museum, all laid out neatly.

I looked over the screen, shaking my head. “This place is surrounded by forests and hills. There’s no way we could walk it.”

“So, we find a ride?” Jay suggested.

Evie was quick to agree. “Tomorrow we can ask around and see if there’s an easier way to get there.”

“Great,” I groaned. “Now we have to go to school tomorrow.”

[ryik-the-writer]

Chapter 26 - Temporary Fix

[A03]

Chapter 1: Pan meets a Wendy Chapter 2: Scars (Felix’s Story) Chapter 3: Day One Chapter 4: Revenge and Fireflies Chapter 5: Brighter than Stars Chapter 6: filler: The Tigress Chapter 7: Operation Spotless! Chapter 8: Operation Spotless: Reporters Down Chapter 9: A Dance with the Devil Chapter 10: filler: Felix and the Pancake Chapter 11: The Girl with Blue Eyes pt. 1 Chapter 12: The Girl with Blue Eyes pt. 2 Chapter 13: The Girl With Blue Eyes: Underground Chapter 14. Recovery Chapter 14.2 Recovery some more Chapter 15: Trapped Chapter 16: Filth Chapter 17: Fairydust pt. 1 Chapter 18: Fairydust pt. 2 Chapter 19: The Mystery of the Dead Nun pt. 1 Chapter 20: The Mystery of the Dead Nun pt. 2                                         Chapter 21:  The Mystery of the Dead Nun pt. 3                                         Chapter 22: Reflections pt. 1                                                                       Chapter 23: Reflections pt. 2

Chapter 24: Closing

Chapter 25: Felix is helping Pan

So guess what…

THIS BITCH FINALLY GOT A JOB AND HER OWN PLACE TO LIVE!!

HELL YEAH!!

So slight negative note on that: that kind of means updating is going to be REALLY slow for a while. The place I moved to, while really nice, is kind of out of my budget and I am pulling as many hours as possible to pay for it and such.

On top of that, the place doesn’t have internet and I’m trying to see what my budget will look like after I pay bills so I can consider getting my own (which I really need as a writer and as a journalist).

So just know, I’m not giving up on any of my stories. I’ve just started a new chapter of my life and have to let the ink dry before I can pick up my old interests.

Anyway, here’s Papers and Sleuthers…

-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-,-

Wendy half-heartedly checked that she had her notepad full of her old notes before she locked up to head to Peter’s. If he started acting up she could use her lack of supplies as an excuse to slip out. She truly hoped it wouldn’t come to that. She wanted this week to be a sort of awakening for them, a chance to finally pull the hatchet away from each other’s throats.

She was linked to him now in the worse way. They’d been through hell together so many times but it hadn’t done anything to shift their relationship into a more stable light. Perhaps if they took the chaos out of the equation something would change. Things really needed to.

She found herself checking her hair as she exited her apartment before she chastised herself. This was an after-hours investigation, not a date!

Wendy scoffed as she locked her door. Her and Pan on a date? What a nightmarish thought!

She grimaced when she reached his door, the unpleasant memory of confronting him the day Mother Superior died still vividly fresh.

“Tosser,” Wendy muttered, wanting to call him something much crueler. However, learning to tolerate him now that they were going to be in close proximity for an unknown amount of time might be beneficial.

With that, she took a deep breath and knocked softly on the door.

There was a light thud behind the wood before it opened, a wild Pan greeting her with a sharp once-over.

“You’re wearing that road-kill?” he scoffed, pointing harshly at her feathered sweater that had been more than appropriate for the weather.

So much for patience.

“Shove it,” Wendy hissed, pushing him into his trashed living room.

“The hell happened in here?”

Pan circled her, not answering, and pulled a giant marker board from the kitchen.

“I’ve started putting some notes together,” he said, adding a picture of Cruella de Vil on the board.

“Um…” Wendy started, her heart speeding up at the site of their old nemesis. “Where are we starting?”

Pan pondered at the start of his chaos. “From the beginning. The devil woman is our best bet. Somehow she set all of this off.”

“How do you figure that?” Wendy inquired.

Pan passed a folder over his shoulder to her, eyes still trained on the board.

Wendy shifted through its components, her gut dropping at the various photos of the dog murderer.

Her brow wrinkled in thought as she went through de Vil’s information. Exact date and location of birth unknown, though her last address was in Manchester…with her now-deceased husband. Wendy whistled at the rap sheet of her marriages. Four times, all but her last ending in death (the last abruptly ended in divorce following a major arrest of the husband.)

There was a scan of her passport as well, signifying that she had been in the country at least six months before she kidnapped Storybrooke’s dogs.

“Why here?” Wendy wondered aloud. “Why Storybrooke, and why dognapping? It’s such a cartoonish villain move.”

“Except in cartoons the villains wouldn’t bleed the dogs out and turn their skins into coats,” Pan muttered, back still to her.

“Coats?” Wendy gasped, the mental image making her stomach twist.

“Last page in the file,”

Wendy balanced the folder to find the page and blinked at the printed out copy of a news article before her.

MANCHESTER WOMAN CHARGED WITH 13 COUNTS OF ANIMAL CRUELTY

Wendy gulped at the picture of the drunk-looking mugshot of de Vil, her intense eyes seeming to stare right at Wendy, as if blaming her for her past crime.

 A local woman is being charged with the kidnapping and death of several dogs.

The dogs, all of Dalmatian and mixed Dalmatian breeds, were taken out of the Manchester and Liverpool areas within a three week period, according to authorities.

The woman, identified as 39-year-old Cruella de Vil, was apprehended at an abandoned windmill outside of the Liverpool area where over 20 dogs were being kept. Upon her arrest animal control discovered the mutilated remains of eight dogs. The remaining five dogs very rushed to the Wrightsville Veterinarian clinic for emergency treatment, and are expected to survive.

De Vil is being held at the Wrightsville Police Station without bail.

This story will be updated as more information becomes available.

Wendy checked the date of the incident to find that Cruella committed her first act three years ago. She shifted to Pan’s slightly cleared off the counter to spread out the devil woman’s file and located an additional article.

MANCHESTER DOGNAPPER TRIAL UNDERWAY

The trial Manchester dognapper Cruella de Vil will begin Monday morning.

De Vil was charged with 13 counts of animal cruelty following the torture and murder of several dogs in January.

De Vil’s lawyer originally declined to comment of her client’s state for her case, but De Vil stated to the press before being led to the jail: “I’m not worried, Darlings. Who would sentence a woman in diamonds?”

Wendy snorted. Now that was quality journalism! She flipped to the next article.

‘DEVIL WOMAN’ CRUELLA DE VIL EXPOSES PLOT FOR DOGS DURING TRAIL

Manchester dognapper Cruella de Vil stated during her trial that she abducted the Dalmatians with the purpose of using their pelts for ‘the perfect coat’.

De Vil continued to go into great detail about how she mutilated the dogs ‘when it was their time’, much to the disturbance to the court.

“I took one pup by his stringy little tail and hoisted him up,” de Vil, who was clothed in an elaborate gown and furs, detailed, “The little bugger wouldn’t stop squealing, even after I slashed his throat open.”

Evidence shows that De Vil had dozens of sketches for coats not just for the Dalmatians she abducted, but also for poodle and Shi Tzu breeds. The sketches also showed plans for various muffs, boots, and glove items.

When asked what she was going to do with all the coats, De Vil said, “Why, wear them of course! I’ll be the envy of every bitch at the social club.”

 De Vil's criminal record includes dozens of speeding tickets and two cases of vehicle homicide attempts. Records show that De Vil was acquitted for both cases and never paid off the tickets.

De Vil’s sentence trial will be held in October. Until then De Vil will be held in Manchester Sanitarium for the Mentally Unwell for further observation.

Wendy sighed in exhaustion. What a story! How could someone so heinous be so close to her neck of the woods?

The other articles were faded from an obvious lack of printer ink, but Wendy was able to make out enough from the headlines to guess what happened next.

De Vil was sentenced to two years in a different sanitarium that specialized in disorders like her. She was deemed “cured” after a year and released due to a special project. She left for America right afterward for a “fresh start”.

“Oh she stared fresh alright,” Wendy commented.

“Great,” Pan said from the board. “You’re where I was thirty minutes ago. Let me know when you get where I’m at now.”

Wendy resisted throwing De Vil’s folder at his head.

“I don’t think there’s anywhere else to go with this one,” Wendy pointed out.  “She went crazy, killed a bunch of animals, ran here and started all over again. That’s really it.”

“But the motive!” Pan growled, looking her dead in the eye. Desperate. “There had to be something else. Maybe she was working for someone or trying to start a multi-dognapping franchise here or…”

Wendy edged back at the desperation in his voice. He was grasping at straws, but there were none left for him in this case.

“Pan,” Wendy tried carefully, “There’s nothing left,”

“How the hell would you know!” He shouted.

“Because sometimes people are just bad,” she shouted back. “Sometimes they do a few terrible things just to do them! There doesn’t have to be a reason or a great scheme behind their actions! They just cause chaos and kill over!” with a spike of adrenaline, she stepped up to him, feeling his hearted pounding in the buzzing air.

“Don’t they?”

Pan twitched, glaring at her with a raw sense of hatred.

Wendy thought for a moment he might throw her out, and she really didn’t want him to. Pan had to see logic, had to stop filling his mind with information that just wasn’t there, and she couldn’t just run off and leave him to fill in such non-existent gaps. 

He’s scared. He’s frustrated. He needs to be kept busy.

With a deep breath, she stepped back to locate one of the other boxes on the couch, tensing a bit when she saw Jekyll’s name on the cardboard.

“We can start with him now,” she said, pulling out a folder.

In a flash, Pan slapped it out of her hand.

 Wendy gasped and brought her stinging hand to her chest where a shallow papercut was surfacing, staring at Pan.

“I didn’t mean to do that,” he said, looking just as surprised as she did.

It was the closest thing to an apology she would get from him, she knew, and she expected it, but it still did not stop her from hating him.

“What is your problem!” she yelled as she sucked the blood from her stinging cut.

“Nothing,” Pan defended, though he was tenser than a tightly wound spring.

Wendy looked him over, trying to pinpoint the root of his harsh mood. Of course, going through their old cases was certainly stressful, with the memories that surfaced as they saw photos of their former nemesis faces…

Ah.

She stared at Jekyll’s case box where the corner of his photo was just peeking out, turning Wendy’s stomach.

Gods know what the site of him was doing to Pan.

The journalist stepped away, twisting to pick up de Vil’s box.

“What about her lackey’s?” Wendy inquired, picking through her file.  She didn’t meet his eyes as she dug through the very scarce information. “We don’t know how they play into all of this outside their association with de Vil.”               

Pan looked at her, his expression solid and unreadable, but Wendy swore she saw a glint of something in his eyes.

Gratitude?

No, Peter Pan didn’t thank anyone for what they did, for him or otherwise.

Good thing Wendy didn’t expect it from him, or anything else for that matter.

They began adding Horace and Jasper’s notes to de Vil’s board, though a now were quick glance told Wendy it wouldn’t add much. They were jailbirds on and off as far back as the records could show, became acquainted with de Vil sometime after their most recent parole hearing, and thanks to her and Pan were tucked safely in a Boston prison until they could be moved to one in London. Nothing more, nothing less.

But Pan wasn’t ready to accept that, so Wendy pretended to stay busy until she commented on ordering from the Chinese menu on Pan’s fridge.

Half an hour later they were sitting silently in his living room, munching on greasy eggrolls as they stared absently at the evidence before them.

Fuzz the cat made a lazy trail from Pan’s bedroom to where they were eating, plopping himself next to Wendy.

The blonde smiled, charmed by the odd-looking cat, and reached out to pet him.

Pan readied a warning. Fuzz was known to scratch first-time visitors to bleeding shreds, but with a flash of naughtiness, decided to let the little bird find that out for herself.

However, Fuzz the cat purred in delight at the attention and collapsed next to Wendy, hungry for more.

“You…slut!” Pan hissed at his sorry excuse of a cat.

Wendy’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“The damn cat,” Pan barked, turning back to his food to begin another round of silence.

Wendy shrugged and quietly offered him another eggroll, which he took with no additional fuss.

It was strange, this quiet domesticity. No violence, no fighting, no apprehension of what was to come.

It would have been peaceful if it weren’t for the wave of uneasiness Pan was letting off.

His leg was shaking with antsiness, and he kept making small sounds to break the silence.

I suppose it’s better than him yelling, Wendy thought. Might as well attempt conversation.

“So…” she begun, earning a questioned glare mid-chew. “I…ran into someone today,”

Pan looked up at her, looking slightly bored.

“And?” he shrugged, mouth full.

Wendy shrugged. Of course it was a stupid thing to bring up. Pan probably knew everyone in Storybrooke, and he had little interest for all of them.

“It’s nothing,” Wendy responded. “Just thought he was…” She searched her vocabulary for the word to describe the man with unsettling charming manners.

“Different,”

Pan’s eyes flickered at that.

Wendy Darling was smitten.

“Sounds like a scoop,” Pan smirked. “Let’s go find him.”

Wendy coughed on her fried rice as he stood. “What?” she laughed, truly mystified.

“Let’s go meet this mystery man,”

Wendy blinked trying to comprehend his shift in emotion as he put on his coat.

“Pan, it was dark out, I didn’t get a good look at him,” she explained. “I don’t even know his name!”

“It’s Storybrooke,” Pan waved her off. “We’ll find out who he is in an hour.”

“This is insane,” she barked with a laugh.

Pan wadded up her jacket and threw it at her, earning a yelp.

“Well, I’m bored. Are you coming or not?”

She stared at him, wondering just how high up the cliff of insanity he had already climbed. Boredom was making him scattered-brained and seeking action in the tiniest occurrence.

It was sad, like watching an animal trying to chew its way out of a trap, but also fascinating. Pan needed her, whether he would say it in words or in action. He needed her to keep him from jumping off that cliff, especially when they had no way of knowing what was waiting for him at the bottom.

With an exhausted sigh, she unraveled her jacket and followed him into the icy night, missing his satisfied smirk as he closed the door.

.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.

Wendy was having trouble keeping on his heels. It was dark and cold and he was the only one who really knew where they were going.

If he even knew himself.

Pan was all over the place tonight, and Wendy was starting to get dizzy from his back-and-forth.

She was practically having to skip to keep up with him. It was like he was forgetting that she was with him. Already he was trying to focus on something else.

Her loud cobbling seemed to echo through the street of Storybrooke, and in the dim night she felt a wave of paranoia run up her spine. It sounded like there was someone behind them, following them.

“Do you hear that?” she asked Pan.

“No, here we are,”

He stopped so suddenly Wendy ran into him, her face hitting him square in the spine. She gained her balance and glared at him before she stepped to his side, staring into the bright building ahead as it spilled vibration into the night.

“What is that?”

“The Rabbit Hole,” Pan smirked. “Sleaziest place in town.”

Wendy snorted through a shiver. “And you thing the well-polished man I ran into tonight is in there?”

Pan shrugged. “Maybe. Either way I want a drink. Come on,”

Wendy followed him with a sigh. At least she would get out of the cold.

Her ears began ringing as soon as she entered the nightclub, her eyes cloudy from the flashing lights.

“I don’t know about this,” she shouted, her voice lost in the sound.

This time, Pan took hold of her sleeve and pulled her through the cluster of tipsy people.

“Good thing it’s not a workday,” Wendy muttered to herself as Pan pulled her to a cluttered table.

She swept bits of food off the sticky surface, wincing at the music and hard chairs. Across her Pan was staring out into the crowd, his eyes glistening bright as he watched the gyrating bodies.

“You…come here often,” Wendy joked, feeling claustrophobic and savagely out of place.

“Once or twice with Tiger Lily,” Pan shrugged, somehow able to hear her over the music.

“And you’re not deaf?” she shouted.

“It’s not loud enough. It never is.”

“Huh?”

Pan looked up from the dancing sin to stare at her. Really stare at her. Truly look at her for the first time in days.

Her hair was growing out more evenly, her curls had even started to come back.

But the bags under her eyes were darker, hollower. She was tired, and he knew it was his fault.

“You want to dance?”

Pan looked as shocked as Wendy was when he looked back up at her.

“Did I…did I hear you right?”

Pan’s bright red face was hidden by the flashing strobe lights. The fuck did he say that?

“You’re not deaf yet are you?” he smirked, standing. “Let’s go.”

Wendy glanced out onto the dance floor. “I…think I’m overdressed.”

Pan glanced out at the half-clothed bodies and chuckled. He slipped off his jacket and undid the first two buttons of his shirt.

Wendy’s heart leapt and her throat tightened.

“You’re turn.”

Wendy shot from her chair, her clothes suddenly feeling stuck to her skin.

“Oh don’t be so damn modest,” Pan cackled, easing out into the dance floor. These little outbursts were giving him some energy.

Wendy shivered, feeling naked under her multiple layers.

Damn it! Why the hell did he have to get under her skin so easily!

She clutched her sleeves, watching as he began to get swarmed by dancers.

Yet…strangely enough…he was still waiting for her. As if he actually wanted her to come out there with him.

Keep him distracted. Keep him busy.

And he was actually smiling!

Well…leering, but he wasn’t as threatening as usual.

With a groan, she shed her feathered coat and eased out into the crowd, instantly getting sucked into the vortex of sweat.

She reached out for stability, hoping she wouldn’t accidentally grope anyone. Out of the sea of grinders a hand grabbed her wrist and—thankfully or unthankfully, she wasn’t sure yet—she fell into Pan’s chest.

“Bet you didn’t do this kind of dancing in your London prep school,” Pan snarked against her hair.

Wendy detached herself from his chest, getting some much-needed space between them.

“I went to a public school, thank you,” she barked, a smile tugging at her lips. It was hard to find a balance with so many people crushing them together.

“What do we…how…” she yelled, desperate for just an inch for space.

She felt Pan’s laugh rumble against her chest, the feeling much more put-together than the vibrations in the air. His hands snaked up her shoulder and gave them just enough space so that they could look into each other’s eyes.

“Just do what I do.” He said.

I already do.

He took her hands and helped her sway in their tiny space. Wendy could have fainted from the heat and the shock of the situation. Here she was dancing with the biggest arse in the entire world! She must be as mad as he was bored!

Her heart pounded as she copied his movements, almost afraid to let him go. So many people were brushing and bumping into them. She could easily be trampled, and something told her she wasn’t leaving the bar tonight without at least a cracked rib.

She looked up to find Pan watching her. He looked strangely human. Less territorial and ready to fight.  

Like he was actually…enjoying himself.

“Okay,” he instructed, pulling her arm over her head. He began twisting her wrist and Wendy caught on quickly, letting her twirl her until spots flashed before her eyes.

But he didn’t stop, and she kept going, catching the light in Pan’s eyes each time she spun back to him.

And before Wendy knew it, she was laughing, the sound much more soothing than the trash flowing through the intercoms.

For a moment Peter Pan and Wendy Darling weren’t small-town reporters who got into too much trouble far too often.

They were just two normal adults who were having a fun, random night.

Wendy couldn’t remember the last time she did something like this. Perhaps back in college…when she wasn’t as dark, before the bloodshed and the grittiness of the world became part of her daily routine.

And it was nice to be having this fresh taste of life with the person who had drug her into it.

“Not bad, Wendy Bird,” Pan teased as she grabbed on to his shoulder to stop the dizziness.

“Same to you, Peter Pan,

He scoffed, covering the hand on his shoulder and grasping this one.

“Let’s make you fly.”

With that, he pushed into the crowd, anchoring her with the hold on her arm. She spun back into him naturally, howling like a fool.

“Don’t let go if you’re going to do that,” she laughed.

“I promise, I won’t.”

Wendy had to admit, she rather liked this fun side of him. Sure, he was really just distracting himself from his current issues, but he was doing it in a constructive way that was keeping them both out of harm's way…mostly.

She nearly slammed into a dancer during her second twirl. When she spun back to Pan she was ready to tell him to try something else, but he looked so…happy.

She couldn’t do it…and had he had said he wouldn’t let her get hurt.

And she was safe…

Thank you.

Until he spun her out again…

Time to fly.

And let go.

He was gone in the blink of an eye and she stumbled out into the crowd.

The more drunkard dancers shoved her away and she stumbled to find stable ground.

“Pan!” She called out, drowning.

She was wedged between so many people, blind and hot.

“Pan!” She yelled again, feeling for him. “Where are—“

Someone’s elbow pounded into her lip and she flew to the sticky ground. Blood filled her mouth in seconds, and she stopped caring if she found Pan or not and started searching for a way off the dance floor.

Pan had taken them too far out. She had no idea where she was. People were stepping on her like she was nothing. On her hands, her hair.

She was going to die here. Had Pan done this on purpose? Had he really hoped her death would somehow entertain him?

She was going to die and no one would know until the club closed, or morning at least.

She was going to die…

“I got you lass!”

She was picked up effortlessly and drug from the crowd, the person clutching her moving through them like Moses through the parted sea.

A savior, it would seem.

Before her brain truly recognized what was going on, her savior had her outside, away from the noise and her unintentional murderers. Her lungs painfully filled with fresh, icy air and she started coughing up blood from her wound, very uncaring how disgusting she looked to her companion.

“There you go, love,” the savior—a man?—instructed, patting her back. “Get the sin out of your lungs.”

Love…

Wendy brushed her bangs from her eyes and met the haunting blue eyes of her earlier savior, the very man she and Pan had set off to find.

“You!” she gasped, nearly laughing with the insanity of it. “I…we…hi!”

He chuckled. “Hello again.”

She tried to catch her breath as she went back and forth with the odd coincidence and Pan’s disappearance.

Disappearance…or abonnement?

Wendy’s stomach flipped when the idea passed through her mind. It seemed almost too cruel for him to do, yet it seemed like something that he would do.

He was all over the place tonight, jumping back and forth like a frog on a scorching lily pad.

But really, he was always like that, she just hadn’t accepted it yet.

And now he had left her to be trampled to death in a night club, wandering off to gods’ knows where.

And he didn’t care. He just didn’t care.

“Are you alright?”

Wendy blinked, not realizing that her eyes had been misting.

“Yes, of course,” she breathed deeply and stood. “I just…I need to get home.” And get a club, she added to herself.

“I’ll walk you,” he offered immediately.

“Thank you, but I’m fine.”

The man chuckled. “Each time you say that I find you in peril,”

Wendy made a sound, not wanting to be rude but really not wanting to stick around much longer. “Really I’m fine. But thank you.” She nodded at him and began walking away, the raging fire in her heart, melting the ice in her bones.

“Killian Jones.”

Wendy paused and glanced back at him. “What?”

He smiled, at pearly whites and charm. “My name. I think it’s about time, you learned it.”

Wendy worried at her lip, letting the name rest on her mind. It suited him somehow. An old-world name for an old world charmed man. It was an interesting combination.

“I see. Well then, thank you, Killian Jones.” She said with a nod, picking back up her step.

“Wait.”

Wendy halted, slightly aggravated. If he turned out to be a maniac like Jekyll she’d bash his lights out with a chunk of ice.

He stepped forward, his hands resting in his pockets, showing he meant no harm, posed no threat.

“Would you like to get a drink sometime?”

Wendy laughed, her face burning. “That’s…forward.”

Jones chuckled with a shrug. “With your track record, the next time I may see you is in a hospital.”

Wendy shrugged that was true. She gave him another look over. Mysterious creature of the night.

She had learned already that trusting people was too dangerous, especially the kind who lurked in the dark. 

She didn’t know him, and he, despite his multiple rescues, didn’t know her.

“Why on earth would you want to have a drink with a perfect stranger?” she inquired aloud.

Jones cocked his head, his eyes gleaming with intentions Wendy couldn’t trace.

“To get to know you, of course.”

Wendy stiffened, her anxiety rising.

“That’s not a good idea,” Wendy gasped, desperate for space. “I have to go find…” she shook her head, her mind too cluttered to find a definition for her current view of Pan.

“If you change your mind,” Jones called after her. “I’ll be waiting. Tomorrow at the diner.”

Wendy increased her speed, making a direct line to Pan’s apartment.

She was going to kill him. She’d made the threat many times before but this time she meant it.

He left her.

He pulled her into all of this madness, and then just released her to break her neck without him.

Where had he gone? What temporary rush was he following now?

Why hadn’t he taken her with him?

She found his apartment the same way they had left it: locked up and dark. She searched for a spare key in the places anyone else would, but Pan wasn’t like everyone else and thus wouldn’t think to leave a spare key.

Out of aggravation, she picked up a loose brick, check over her shoulder, and hurled it into the glass.

It was exactly something Pan would do, and Wendy couldn’t help the small flame of satisfaction that came with damaging his property—which she had to plan to fix thank you very much.

She stormed in, flicking on lights and opening doors to find him. Fuzz the cat ran out of the bedroom as she checked behind checked in his closet.

“Pan!” she howled, her hands shaking.

Why?

“Where are you?”

Pan wasn’t there. He hadn’t returned to hide from her or even to continue their work. He had vanished completely with no warning for her.

With a stiff sob, she collapsed on the couch, feeling right at him with the shattered remains of his home.

“Peter…”

He left you.

“He left me.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

He wasn’t sure when or where he was.

But it was bright there, and surprisingly warm. It couldn’t be a memory of his childhood. Those were always dark and cold.

But he was somewhere…at least he thought it was him. There was glass in front of him, well-made and clean, and big enough to cover an entire wall.

But he couldn’t see his reflection…

Nor anything outside the window.

That’s why when the little bird flew closer, it terrified him.

“Stop…” he tried to scream just as the bird hit the window.

A loud bang…

It landed at his feet—

Its neck was broken.

He startled into consciousness, his fuzzy mind going into an automatic death mode.

Someone had grabbed him…he thought.

One second he was throwing Wendy out—letting her fly just enough from him—and then she was flying out of his grip while he was being pulled further from her.

He wasn’t sure what happened after that, but now he was tied up in some sort of darkroom, his hands above his head on some kind of meat hook, by the fill of it.

Something equivalent to a lantern was in the corner, giving him just enough light to keep him from going into a state of complete panic.

Jekyll’s prisons were always too bright.

A noise indicated he was no longer alone. A second later a door in the corner opened, and a man stepped in, the light behind him silhouetting him just long enough for Pan to get a good idea of him.

“Good to see you again,” the man said as he pulled a chair up and straddled it.

“Again?” Pan scoffed. “Go to hell, you wanker.”

“That’s captain to you, boy,” he returned firmly. “Captain Killian Jones, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t care, and know, who the fuck you are.”

“I don’t expect you to,” Killian said casually.

“I tend to forget people who aren’t worth remembering,” Pan smirked, his face warmer from the trail of blood leaking from his temple.

Killian chuckled, charmed. This was going to be the most fun he’d had in a while.

“I suppose it won’t matter anyway,” he sighed. “Not with you knocking on death’s door.”

Pan licked his lips. A challenge at last!

“Oh really?”

“Yes,” Killian said. “You see m’boy, I’ve been sent by someone who really wants you dead.”

“You’ll have to be a bit more specific,” Pan winked.

“No one you’ll need to worry about,” Killian alluded. “Just know that you’ve caused enough trouble that it warrants a very clean—and if you behave yourself—a very quick one.”

Pan scoffed. “If I’m scheduled to die, know that I’ll make my last days your worst,”

Killian seemed unphased by Pan’s threat, and while Pan wasn’t yet worried about it, it did make his gut turn just enough to be noticed.

Then, Killian laughed, and tapped his fingers on the back of the chair.

“You know, you actually gained our attention after that boy with the scar inquired Henry Jekyll’s files,”

Ice…the blood can’t move.

“Oh…I can’t quite remember his name…”

You have to keep count of the spasms…you have to know where the blood is going…

“That’s his benefit I suppose,” Killian smirked, watching as the blood drained from his face.

Felix…oh Felix I’m sorry…

“After all, it’d be a shame if that poor boy succumbed to one of his little fits in the privacy of his own home one afternoon…”

Pan bolted against the restraints, blood raging and teeth desperate to break skin.

“You fucking go near him I’ll kill you!”

Killian grabbed Pan by the jaw and forced him into the wall, pressing his knee into his stomach.

“I’d love to see you try,” Killian husked, his ice blues evenly hitting Pan’s forest greens. “I’d love to see you help any of them. Him, that pixie of a girl who hates you more than life itself…” his grin widened. “And that pretty blonde distraction you brought into this whole bloody mess.”

“Wendy…” the word left his lips before could stop it.

He didn’t know how to protect her the way he did the others.

“Such a pretty name,” Killian gloated. “Such a pretty girl at that. And she’s so desperate to find you, even after to abandoned her on a dangerous dance floor,”

Pan glared at him. “You bitch,”

Killian released him and made his way to the door.

“I’ll take no pleasure from killing her, m’boy,” Killian said, surprisingly quite truthfully. “However, this is as much to do with her as it does with you.”

Pan dug his nails into the cloth binding his wrists, trying desperately to stare a whole through Killian’s heart.

“How quick or how slowly she goes depends on what you can do for me within the next few days,”

Pan winced.

“Goodnight,” Killian winked, turning off the light and enclosing Pan in a blanket of darkness.

[thissafespaceisours]

#3 trying to be more consistent

TW: SELF-HARM, SUICIDE

The one thing that I struggle with when it comes to being on social media or just on the internet in general is that I lose motivation easily. More than that I guess I have the attention span of a goldfish which makes it difficult for me to stick to some interest/hobby. I always feel like trying something new but I’m never able to master any of them because I end up giving up very easily. I don’t like that. I feel like a failure. 

But I’m hoping to change it one step at a time. Maybe this can be my first step? To be honest, I was considering closing this blog too (right after I started it, crazy I know) because I doubted I would be able to be consistent, so what’s the point, right? But I decided not to and I feel like that’s gotta be a step in the right direction even if it’s minuscule, because it still counts.

I’ve been to therapy (twice, but then the pandemic struck) and sometimes I feel like a dumbass for not being able to understand what my therapist is trying to say/make me do. When he asked me to introspect and find a cause for why I would think negatively any time, I didn’t get it. I understood what he meant, that our thoughts affected our emotions, which in turn drove our behavior, but I could never, for the life of me, ever find the reason, why I felt sad.

And now when I do go to see my therapist I don’t know what I’ll say. 

Staying with my family is no easy job. With constant bickering it’s hard to ever find peace and quiet in this household. I constantly feel like hurting myself. I have gone and ruined my finally clean track record and it truly feels like rock bottom. 

Maybe sadness is like a default option for me for I always seem to come back to this same feeling in my chest; like my heart’s being ripped out of my chest and someone is crushing my ribs. 

Nothing seems to spark joy within me. Everything seems like a mundane task. I don’t feel like living anymore. I have absolutely no attachment or reason to hold on for, yet I am here, breathing. Just as my birthday approaches I can’t help but remember the times when I felt like I wouldn’t even make it past 20, but here we are, barely a month away. I’ll be 20 soon and while I survived and made it through so far, I wonder how long it will be before I crash and burn. We’re not planning on reaching 30, right? That’d be just awful. 

There have been countless nights I’ve spent crying myself to sleep, to ease the pain I felt in my chest, like a soft lullaby to sooth my pain, the tears felt like they comforted me as they fell from my eyes and I only seem to crave more and more. It is the only thing I can never get enough of. The only feeling that made me feel alive. 

I hope one day I can prove myself wrong and smile in the face of adversity. But it is a far fetched dream if I’m honest. I’d love it if you guys would have any suggestions. Maybe we can work something out together and help each other? 

Hope you have a great day and felt happy. I won’t tell you any romanticized dialogues that things will be alright because I find it hard to believe myself but I do want you to stay alive, by all means, let’s find a reason together, yeah? I love you. 

[ladyluck678]

Steven Universe: A Training Session

The sun was out, and the skies were a vibrant azure blue. White, puffy clouds floated by lazily. It was the end of Earth’s summer season, and it seemed as if it was reluctant to go. It clung to the hot air desperately and hazily as insects hummed in the air.

Yellow Diamond supposed that maybe, just maybe, Earth wasn’t as miserable as she had initially thought. It certainly had its charms; Blue Diamond had said as much. Blue was the one who encouraged the golden matriarch to go to Earth to visit in the first place.

Blue’s encouragement and Steven himself was more than enough to motivate her, but then there was Steven’s burgeoning abilities. The potential he had was staggering to the imagination. That, and he was a hybrid, half organic and half gem. It was a statistical impossibility; Yellow was dumbfounded when she finally realized who (and what) Steven was.

His abilities were what brought Yellow to Earth on this very trip. A few weeks ago, Blue had visited Earth at Steven’s request, to help contain a dangerous artifact. In her report, she detailed some of the boy’s abilities and concerns about his lack of knowledge and skill. The Crystal Gems had done their best, but even they didn’t know he was a Diamond until somewhat recently. (Most of them didn’t realize…)

So, a trip to Earth was in order. Yellow wanted to see what the boy gem could do firsthand in a controlled environment. She’d seen him fight briefly against various gems, but was unable to dedicate her full attention to him.

Their battle against each other on the beach was one such occasion. It was also a painfully one-sided fight; Steven was an unwilling participant. Yellow winced at the memory, had she known that Steven was Pink Diamond’s offspring… She shook her head; it wasn’t a pleasant memory. (She had almost crushed poor Steven.)

So, here she stood in the Ancient Sky Arena. Regrettably, she had to shift her form to get to the arena; only the smaller warp pad worked. The central warp pad has long since been destroyed. However, proper Gem decorum was almost non-existent on Earth. It’s one of the few times Yellow Diamond felt somewhat comfortable shifting her form to something more compact.

Yellow stood about eight feet tall with a saffron-colored data screen hovering in front of her. Flaxen hair perfectly in place, her golden armor glinting sharply in the sunlight as her hip cape swayed with the breeze.

“Are you ready Yellow?” Steven hollered over to her. She was a few dozen paces away from the boy.

“Patience, young man,” She called back to him sternly. She actually had medical information and biometric scans running on the half-gem. Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG had supplied the programs via the “internet.” The technology was archaic, but it was impressive that the humans had come so far in such a short amount of time. (It was certainly worth noting…) She’d have her engineers back on Homeworld come up with a much more comprehensive program for future sparing sessions now that she had a base program to work from.

Yellow was comprehensive; she didn’t want to damage the boy, she wanted to spar with him. She had to be careful.

“Com’on already! Get this party started!” An impatient scratchy voice pierced the air from the stony bleachers surrounding the arena.

“I don’t require sleep, but I may try if something doesn’t happen soon!” Another voice that was all too familiar floated over to Yellow. (The soft lilt was unmistakable.)

The general’s ire rose as she snapped her head in the direction of the harassing comments. An amethyst and the peridot were sitting in the benches a few feet from the arena floor with Steven’s pearl and the perma-fusion “Garnet.” Just in front, sitting on the court at ground level was Blue Diamond, who waved enthusiastically and winked seductively when Yellow looked over.

Yellow blushed a burnt sienna color, she found it infuriating how little control she had over her emotions when in Blue’s presence. She collapsed the data screen and turned her attention back to Steven.

“Are you ready?” The general’s tone was grave but tempered with patience.

“I’m ready, Yellow!” Steven grinned as he summoned his rose-colored shield and bounced on the balls of his feet.

A brief memory flashed through the golden matriarch’s mind, of a young gem with hibiscus colored eyes and curly pink hair saying the same exact words. The corner of Yellow’s mouth quirked up just a little as her gaze softened almost imperceptibly.

“Alright,” Yellow Diamond widened her stance as the golden gem on her chest began to glow. A gleaming pommel and hilt appeared as the general summoned her sword. She hefted the weapon thoughtfully and performed a test swing before she brought the blade into a high guard.

“Give me everything you have, Steven. Don’t hold back!” The young gem seemed hesitant, uncertain. Yellow watched as he swallowed hard.

Just as she opened her mouth to say something the boy charged. He ran forward faster than Yellow thought he was capable of, and instead of running headlong into her, he jumped up and flung his shield.

She deflected the aegis easily with her blade, not paying attention to the rose-colored spiky construct that Steven had summoned around himself. He continued to use the forward momentum to his advantage.

Yellow deftly dodged out of Steven’s range as he bounced, and the construct around him collapsed. It was an impressive attack; she wasn’t expecting it at all. (The Crystal Gems have trained him well.) The general wanted to push him though, how far could she go?

Cheering and clapping echoed through the stony battleground. Yellow rested her sword on the ground, the tip biting and chipping into the smooth granite.

“Steven, I have a single condition for victory; you must tag me one time. If you can do that, you’ve won.” Yellow said in a challenging tone. Usually, she would set the terms for winning before the sparring had begun. Still, the general wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. (That and she didn’t want to push him so hard as for him to injure himself.)

“Got it, Yellow!” The boy said amicably. He then summoned two shields, one on each arm. This was different…

He charged again and leaped up, throwing one shield at Yellow. The Diamond deflected it quickly; it was meant to distract her like the first time. Were Steven an actual opponent, Yellow might have just taken the hit to strike down her aggressor.

The movement only took a few seconds, but Yellow Diamond was created for battle. She was made for war and conquest, and conflict was as natural to her as breathing was for organic life. She broke down the boy’s moves systematically in her mind, analyzing every minute detail.

The boy gem kept barreling towards her, his bulwark placed in front intent on ramming into her. Speed, velocity, angle of attack; Yellow had them all figured out mathematically in her mind before he even reached the apex of his assault.

A split-second before Steven made contact Yellow simply stepped aside. The boy smashed into the ground where the Diamond was just moments before. Pulverized stone and dust coming up like a geyser. The failed attack jarred the boy, shattering his aegis, and stunning him.

Yellow tutted and gave him a gentle swat on the bottom with the flat of her golden blade. “Switch tactics, young man! Distractions will only go so far.”

“Boooo! C’mon Steve-O, knock her block off!” The amethyst shouted from the bleachers.

“It’s alright, Steven, you can do this!” The boy’s pearl called out, encouraging him to fight on. The perma-fusion simply held up her thumb… The general hadn’t the slightest idea what that meant.

Yellow’s brow canted up, an unspoken question asked; Steven nodded and summoned his shield. The golden matriarch didn’t hesitate; she brought up her sword with blinding speed and swung for the boy. Steven held fast, grunting with effort. Remarkably strong with exceptional speed, the boy was impressive. Very few gems could withstand the blow that Yellow had just dealt.

“What now, young man!? You’re in quite the predicament!” The general barked at Steven; she watched as beads of sweat rolled down the sides of his face. His expression pure determination.

“I’m going to follow your advice, I’m going to change tactics!” Steven pushed forward with incredible strength and shoved Yellow backward.

She stumbled back and barely missed another rose-colored shield that was flung right at her head. Yellow sneered as she brought her sword up facing Steven, “You miss-”

Crumbling stone could be heard behind the golden matriarch, she turned just in time to see half of a pillar falling on top of her. When the dust finally cleared, Yellow found herself pinned underneath half of a marble column from the waist down. She sighed; she had underestimated Steven again.

The boy walked over and knelt down next to Yellow’s head. He ceremoniously lifted a finger and placed it directly in the center of the sun-colored gem in her chest, “Tag, you’re it!”

“I suppose I am, young man.” The golden matriarch gave a great sigh as she pursed her lips.

Cheering could be heard from the pair’s audience, “Way to beat up Yellow clod, Steven!”

“Um, sorry, I’ll talk to Peridot about that.” Steven got up and rubbed his hands together as he ambled over to the broken column. He lifted the end with a grunt, and Yellow slipped out from underneath. She stood and cracked her neck.

“Everything good, Yellow?” The Diamond looked down at the boy and gave a gentle smile. It was paradoxical how he could be so much like Pink and so different at the same time.

It caused her gem to ache, but it wasn’t entirely wrong. The feeling didn’t have a name, but it was beginning to heal a wound that Yellow didn’t think she would ever recover from. Pride and love, rage, and regret; it was all of these things. It was beautiful. It was painful.

“Yes, you did very well. That will teach me to underestimate you.” She knelt and ruffled Steven’s hair. The boy laughed and held her hand on top of his head as he beamed back at Yellow.

“We’re having a bonfire on the beach, can you stay?”

“Ah-I,” Yellow hesitated; there was work to be done, and she was hardly friends with the Crystal Gems.

“Please? Blue’s staying.” Steven slipped out from underneath Yellow’s gloved hand but didn’t stop holding her fingers.

“Well then I’ll have to stay, Blue and I traveled on the same ship together.” The general huffed, she knew Blue wouldn’t deny Steven her company, especially when invited. (Secretly Yellow was pleased to no end, Steven asking her to stay and visit his home. Though she’d dissipate her form before she admitted it to anyone.)

“Alright! Com’on Yellow, we’re gonna have fun!” He squeezed her hand before letting go and ran ahead of her.

She watched as he was welcomed by the other gems. The amethyst grabbing and giving him a rough hug around the neck while the perma-fusion clapped his back. Blue had walked over and bent down to say something in his ear. (Undoubtedly, her congratulations and encouragement.)

When Yellow had finally caught up, Steven and the gems had already made their way to the top of the arena steps towards the warp pad. The boy waved down at Yellow, “Don’t take too long!” He then disappeared down the opposite side.

Blue had stayed behind to wait for Yellow. She sauntered up and wrapped her arms around the general’s neck.

“Well?” Blue said, arching an eyebrow questioningly at Yellow.

“Well what? He’s very powerful, you didn’t need me to tell you that.”

“No, but I wanted you to see for yourself. I believe he needs further instruction.” The cerulean gem carded her hand through stiff flaxen locks. Yellow hummed in agreement and leaned into the embrace, placing her hands on Blue’s curved hips.

Blue gazed into amber eyes for a long moment. They had been a pair for so long Blue could instantly sense when something was bothering Yellow. “What’s troubling you, love?”

“I’m not entirely sure that I’m worthy of Steven’s affections, after everything that’s happened…” Yellow looked away, a heavy sigh that she seemed to have been holding for millennia was released.

“Yellow, look at me,” Gilt eyes locked on to arctic blue ones. “We must earn this love, this trust. It was given freely before, and we shattered it and threw it away carelessly, not knowing what we had until it was gone. Now we must work to make things whole again. It is not an easy task, but I would happily bear that burden for one more chance. I strongly believe we’re on the right path.”

Yellow could only nod, emotions thick and sticking within her throat. She gathered Blue into her arms and tangled her hands in her long silvery locks. The pair held each other for a long moment before either one of them dared speak.

“So, we’re staying for a bonfire?” Yellow’s voice was muffled in Blue’s shoulder.

“Perhaps I wanted to stay, and it’s sometimes easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.” The pair finally separated, Blue had a sheepish look on her face as she bit her lip.

“Blue-”

“What would you have said if I had asked, hmm?” The cerulean matriarch stepped closer, her forehead resting on Yellow’s.

“No, there’s work-”

“-to be done. There’s always work, there will always be work! What’s a few more short hours?”

“I suppose you’re right, it would make little difference at this point.” The general relented, her shoulders slumping.

Blue stepped in even closer, their bodies completely flush with one another’s, their gems almost touching. Yellow felt her cheeks go flush, Blue could do that so easily to her, it drove her mad.

“You know, I feel guilty. I should have asked to stay beforehand.” Blue said in a low timbre that was only ever meant for Yellow’s ears.

“Do you?” Yellow nuzzled the side of Blue’s jaw.

“Hmn, when we’re done visiting, I feel that I should make it up to you. Perhaps on our way back to Homeworld?”

Blue cupped Yellow’s cheek and kissed her deeply. The pair staying that way for a long while, both reluctant to end the stolen moment of intimacy. Their gems pulsed, filling the small spaces between them with a brilliant viridian light. It was Yellow who ended the kiss finally, gently biting Blue’s bottom lip as she pulled away.

The general was infinitely satisfied to see Blue’s cheeks were three shades darker than they usually were. (Always making her blush… she showed Blue who could make who blush.)

“Come, we shouldn’t keep Steven waiting.” Yellow pulled away with a smug smile, lacing her fingers with Blue’s as the pair made their way towards the warp.

I always say I’m going to post some of my writing here... then I never do... but here’s some writing and the AO3 link. Cheers!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21553447

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[jeonghanniesfool]

mingyu | french hornist AU

genre: fluff

requested by: @ksys-star

pairing: mingyu x reader

A scenario where Mingyu is a “world famous” french hornist and you’ve been dying to meet him.

you’ve always admired Kim Mingyu

the first time you saw him play was when he was a little kid at a recital at your music school

being a violinist yourself, you had your fair share of performance times

but your eyes were always glued to Kim Mingyu when he performed

no other performer ever stood out to you more than he did

even as he fumbled with the keys and skipped a note or two

you thought that his music was the most beautiful thing that had ever blessed your ears 

as you grew older

you yearned to be placed in the symphonic orchestra to have a chance at being in the same place as Mingyu 

you knew that he’d eventually end up in the symphony orch 

but you were unsure that you could get in

“there’s always the chamber orchestra, Y/N”

your director seemed dead set on not letting you into the symphony orchestra

“your talent is much better suited for a pure strings setting” 

and so he placed you in the chamber orchestra

but you refused to show up to any of the chamber orchestra rehearsals

instead

you showed up to all the symphony orchestra rehearsals instead

it wasn’t very hard to figure out, of course, all the schedules were up on your director’s website 

and your director was literally

so done with you

when he saw you at every rehearsal

“Y/N, why are you here? you haven’t been showing up to the chamber rehearsal lessons AND you keep showing up here. what is going on here?”

“hey dude I pay for my lessons here, so you gotta let me go to the rehearsals I want to go to.”

“why are you so obsessed with the symphony orchestra anyway? wouldn’t you much prefer being with your fellow violinists and string players?”

“naahhh.”

and because of how stubborn you were

and how if your director turned you away, he would lose valuable money that you paid for your lessons

he was forced to move you to the symphony orchestra

“look Y/N, when you get to the professional level, there’s no way you can get this to happen, remember this.”

“alright sir you do you.”

you were just happy you were able to join the symphony orchestra

you took your seat

front and center

or well

more like second row and center 

and eagerly watched as more students filed in and took their seats

Mingyu couldn’t be hard to find

he was like a skyscraper towering over all the other students

but as much as you looked

you never caught site of the tall french hornist you so admired

so sad to say

you were disappointed that all your effort was to no avail

you continued in the symphony orchestra though

hoping that the experience in the setting would let you move onto a more professional setting

hoping that Mingyu would pursue that path and go professional as well

you continued for another year

but were unable to continue when you found that you had no more time or money for lessons

and you struggled to secure a place in a professional orchestra

you spent your time poring over the internet

trying to find news of Mingyu’s whereabouts 

“look, you can’t keep looking for this Mingyu person your entire life, Y/N”

“LISTEN. I MUST MEET HIM. how come there is never any news about him?? he was so amazing he has to be famous!”

“he’s probably just as normal as you are”

“nah he’s probably touring over in Switzerland or something.”

“ugh you’re honestly an idiot”

all you had was an old video recording of a recital piece of his 

so when you felt down

you just listened to him play

and allowed the beauty of his music surround you

and you had almost given up on looking for him

when one day

you heard

a french horn being played out on the streets

and it was the same song that Mingyu had played for his recital

the very recital you had the recording of

and of course

you sprinted after the sound

until you came to the middle of the park where a french hornist sat on the edge of the fountain playing his french horn

he had a head of black hair

long legs

and was dressed very nicely

Mingyu...?

unfortunately

as soon as you got close enough

you knew it wasn’t Mingyu

it couldn’t be

the Mingyu you knew was nowhere as good looking as this guy was

and well

it has been a while since you saw Mingyu and the last time you saw him was when he was a kid

but even so you were sure this guy out there wasn[t him

and you were very disappointed

but

the performer was good

so you didn’t want to disrespect him and just run away because he wasn’t Mingyu

so you perched on the edge of a bench 

and watched

as the performer finished

and the crowd applauded and began to disperse 

you approached him

“hey you’re really good!”

he looked at you with surprised eyes

“...thanks...”

“What’s your name?”

“you’re rather nosy aren’t you?”

“just trying to be friendly.”

“...Wonwoo...”

“nice to meet you, wonwoo. I’m Y/N. say, do you by chance know anyone by the name of Kim Mingyu”

he stared at you some more

“yes....”

you weren’t expecting that

immediately your eyes lit up and your body shook with excitement

“really?? you do??”

“...yes but why are you looking for him”

and before you knew it

you had told your entire life story and motivations to this random guy you just met that claimed to know the guy you had looked up to your entire life

“wow so just because of that one recital, you went chasing after Mi.. Mingyu huh”

“who wouldn’t? he had a phenomenal stage presence even as a child. He’s probably world famous right now which is probably why I can’t contact him at all.”

Wonwoo laughed

“he’s not world famous at all. but I’m sure he’d be flattered to hear that you think that of him.”

you looked at Wonwoo earnestly

“so, you think you could let me meet him? I suffered this long in symphony orchestra to meet him so it’s a pity that I haven’t yet, don’t you think? and if he isn’t as world famous as I thought, then wouldn’t it be even easier for me to meet him?”

Wonwoo nodded

“maybe some other time you can meet him. give me your contact information and I can put you in touch with him.”

and so you did

you gave Wonwoo your phone number and prayed that he actually knew Mingyu and that he wasn’t just hitting on you

it was about a week after you met Wonwoo

and you still hadn’t gotten a message or a call

which

made you the smallest bit impatient

but hey, you’ve been looking for Mingyu for years

you could stand to wait a little while longer

Unknown: Hi Y/N! this is Mingyu. I heard from Wonwoo that you wanted to meet me and talk to me, so would you like to meet up sometime?

was this a dream?

was the Kim Mingyu messaging you???

You: Hi Mingyu! Yes I would very much like to! I’m free anytime so just tell me when you want to see me and I can arrange for it!

Mingyu: Wonwoo said he met you at the fountain in the nearest park. perhaps we could meet there?

You: that’d be great! when?

Mingyu: ...is now okay? i happen to already be at the fountain

You: oh! that’s fine! I’ll head over!

part of you was like

wow this could be a trap

Wonwoo could’ve been some serial killer that lures unsuspecting strangers into a sense of false security

and then eliminate them as soon as they stepped out in the sunlight

but then again

it was still midday

so plenty of people were going to be at the park 

and you know what

you’d risk anything to meet Kim Mingyu

so you grabbed your phone and ran to the park

you were met with the familiar sound of a french horn

the mellow sound fitting perfectly with the midday atmosphere 

and you ran over to the fountain area

to see

Wonwoo?

standing there playing the french horn passionately

when he finished and his audience applauded

and eventually dispersed

he caught sight of you

packed up his stuff quickly

and hesitantly stepped over

“hey”

“Wonwoo??? why are you here? I was supposed to meet Mingyu here!”

Wonwoo smiled sheepishly

“yeaaahhh about that... I just took my friend’s name because I was worried that you’d have some misconception about me and wanted you to get to know me a little, y’know? especially since you expressed that you’ve admired me since we were little.”

“now I feel embarrassed. all the things I told you about Ming- well, yourself”

he looked away

and kind of muttered under his breath

“it’s okay I thought it was kind of cute”

“i’m sorry it must’ve been so weird for a complete stranger to come up to you and talk about you like that. especially since you aren’t a celebrity”

“oh no, you’re not a complete stranger, Y/N. I remember you from our old school.”

you stared at him

“you do??”

“yeah... I always thought you tried really hard and found you kinda inspirational. it was kind of sad when I had to quit lessons and move”

“ohhh so you moved....”

now you felt kind of stupid for trying so hard to find him when he wasn’t even anywhere close enough for you to find

“umm, so now that you know who I am.. would you like to, y’know... maybe go out and eat some lunch?”

“i’d be glad to”

and he smiled at you

and for the first time ever

you felt a certain fondness for him

that had nothing to do with admiration for his music

[firstofficers-log]

more than survive

Summary: You've been going through a depressive episode for days. Your SQUIP intervenes to help you out.

Author’s Note: This guy was a request from Anon!! “SQUIP X Depressed!Anxious!Reader? You can take it where you want to, have fun w/it!” I hope this is okay!

You need to get out of bed.

…

I know you don’t want to, but you need to. Get out of bed.

…

You’d turned your SQUIP off an hour or so ago. You didn’t exactly know how long it’d been. Your alarm clock was on your bedside table, which you were currently facing away from. You had been facing away from it for… a while. For one reason or another, you couldn’t make yourself move from your current position.

You knew your SQUIP was right -- you did have to get out of bed. This was why you’d turned it off in the first place. You didn’t need to be reminded of what you should be doing, because there were a million things, and if you started thinking about one of them, you’d start thinking about all of them, and then you’d start spiraling, and--

I turned on automatically, because it is necessary that I intervene. You must get up now, because you haven’t eaten anything all day, and you haven’t moved for approximately one and a half hours.

This wasn’t helping.

You couldn’t help but let tears fall onto your pillow. You’d been in the same pajamas for a few days now. You weren’t scheduled to work this week, and you just… hadn’t shown up for class. Thinking about this made you feel worse.

I sent out an e-mail to each of your professors for you. You have been excused from the classes you’ve missed.

Well. You supposed that was some small relief. Still, though, there were a million other things that you knew you had to do, and you just hadn’t done them.

Before you could begin to get hysterical, your SQUIP materializes behind you, sitting on your bed. The wall you’re facing glows blue as he appears, and you’re nearly certain it’s about to haul you out of bed itself.

Instead, though, you feel a warm hand on your back rubbing soothing circles. Tears begin to flow even more freely now, despite the fact that the hand on your back felt incredible.

“You’re touch starved,” your SQUIP murmurs as an explanation. “You haven’t had interaction with others for a few days.”

You don’t say anything, and your SQUIP continues to gently massage your back. You feel a little bit better, which is saying something. You hadn’t felt… well, you hadn’t felt much of anything for the past few days.

“You must get up,” your SQUIP finally says after about five minutes. It rests its hand on the small of you back, and you find that even the small amount of pressure that’s producing makes you… happy. At least a little bit. You sort of don’t ever want to move from this spot ever again.

“I know you don’t want to, but you do actually have to get up.” Your SQUIP doesn’t sound annoyed, which is strange to you. This is probably the fourth or fifth time it’s told you to get up, and it hasn’t raised its voice at all.

“You don’t have to do everything at once. Go to the bathroom, and then get some water, and a granola bar. Then you can come back to bed, if you want to.”

These instructions seem simple enough. You try to speak aloud to your SQUIP, but you find that you have to clear your throat first.

“Five more minutes?” You finally manage. Your voice sounds foreign to you, like it’s not actually yours. Your SQUIP chuckles, and you do your best to ignore the shivers the sound sends down your spine.

“Okay, I’ll allow it. Five more minutes.”

Your SQUIP continues to massage your back, actually working out some of the knots instead of just comforting you. You’re still not sure exactly why your SQUIP is being so nice to you, but at this point, you just allow yourself to enjoy the sensations it’s providing you.

“Alright,” it says eventually, patting your lower back gently. “It’s time to sit up.”

Sit up. Just sit up. That’s all. You turn and heave yourself upwards, trying not to get tangled in the mess of blankets surrounding you. You’re certain you look awful, but your SQUIP just smiles at you.

“Perfect. Now, you have to get up slowly. You aren’t hydrated enough, so if you try to get up all at once, you’ll just feel worse.” Your SQUIP is still using its calming voice, and though a small part of you finds this unnerving, you still appreciate it. You do as it says, wincing as your bare feet are met with cold air.

Before your SQUIP says anything, you reach to your large pile of clean laundry from one of your bursts of motivation and grab a pair of clean fluffy socks. They don’t match, but now your feet are less cold. You look to your SQUIP for your next step, probably looking like a kicked puppy.

It smiles at you. “Okay. You need to go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. Then you can get some water and something to eat. You’ll need to shower at some point today, but you can save that for later if you must.”

You nod and make your way across the hall to the bathroom, purposefully avoiding looking directly at any mirror. Your SQUIP waits outside, and you can see the soft blue light it casts from underneath the bathroom door.

Once you’re done, you exit the bathroom and your SQUIP gives you a once-over. You do feel a bit better now that you’re not uncomfortably trying to ignore the pressure in your bladder. The taste of mint lingers in your mouth, and you feel glad that if nothing else, you did achieve this small task today.

You blush as your SQUIP looks you over. You run a hand through your hair, doing your best to at least pat it down. You’re not sure why, but you don’t want your SQUIP to see you like this.

Evidently hearing this thought, your SQUIP ‘tsk’s at you. “Don’t worry about that now, it won’t do you any good. I am here to improve your quality of life, not to judge how you look.” A beat of silence. “Well, sometimes I’m here to do that, too, but not today.”

You manage to crack a smile at this. It almost feels foreign; you hadn’t smiled at anything since your depressive episode hit. Your SQUIP smiles brightly at you, and you’re struck with how happy it makes you to see it emoting in this way. You try not to think about how attractive it looks when it’s not shocking you for making bad decisions.

You clear your throat and move on before you can dwell too much on this. “Food?”

Your SQUIP nods. “You don’t have to make anything big. A banana and a granola bar. You can take them back to your room, if you’d like to.” It steps back to let you lead the way into the kitchen.

You steer away from the fridge. You know that looking at its contents will only make you feel worse, because you haven’t cleaned it in quite a while. That was a problem for future you. For the first time, you felt like you actually could deal with it soon, now that your SQUIP was helping you.

You reach in the cupboard and take the entire box of granola bars down from the shelf. Your SQUIP gives you a look, but says nothing. If you want to eat again, you won’t have to go through this entire debacle more than once.

For good measure, you also grab an apple and a banana from the counter. You move to leave the kitchen, but your SQUIP blocks the way. You look at it quizzically.

It raises its eyebrows. “You need water. Find your biggest water bottle and fill it up so you can bring it with you.” Ah. Right.

You fill up your water bottle after placing your food on the counter. You’d purchased a more expensive water bottle with the thought that it’d make you want to drink water more often. It had worked, too, in the beginning -- you’d specifically chosen one with a pattern you liked to look at, and that was good quality. It had remained in the cupboard unused for about a month now.

“Good,” your SQUIP tells you once you’ve filled it up. “Now, you could return to your room. But I think it would beneficial to sit in your living room and eat. A change in scenery will be good for you.”

You sigh. You want nothing more than to curl back up in your blankets, eat, and look at dumb memes on the internet for another few hours. You don’t exactly want your SQUIP to shock you for disobeying it, though, so you comply and take a seat on the couch.

Thankfully, there are some cartoons on TV that you can watch fairly mindlessly while you eat. Your SQUIP remains next to you in its projected form, and while you’re not entirely sure why it does, you’re grateful for it. It emits the same warmth as a human would, and you feel a sense of companionship when it’s near you like this.

After a few episodes of something or another, and some fruit and granola bars later, you find that you feel quite a bit better. You’re not at a hundred percent yet -- maybe fifty or sixty. Not quite ready to go shopping or clean your home, but maybe you can actually shower now.

“That’s a good idea,” your SQUIP says. You almost jump, having nearly forgotten that it wasn’t just a friend who couldn’t read your mind. You make a noncommittal noise, realizing that to actually shower you have to get up.

“You do have to get up in order to shower, yes,” you’re reminded. You sink further into your couch, groaning.

“Can’t I just have a bath?” You ask aloud, thinking to the bath bombs you have saved for times like this. You almost perk up at the thought, but your SQUIP beats you to it.

“No,” it says gently. You look at it, trying not to pout but definitely failing. Your SQUIP smiles at you. “You need to get cleaned efficiently and quickly. If you take a bath, you are allowing yourself to think about things for longer than you need to. You will have a shower.”

You sigh but realize that you’re never going to reason with your SQUIP. Quite frankly, you didn’t exactly have the energy to argue with it, anyways. Still, you’re not quite ready to get up yet. You remain seated.

“I’ll make you a deal,” your SQUIP says after a moment. You turn your head to it, trying to show that you’re listening. “I will allow you to watch one more episode of this cartoon before you have to get up to take a shower, or I will take you to the shower myself. Deal?”

You hardly have to think. “Sure,” you tell it, glad that you can sit for a little while longer and prepare yourself for the task of taking a shower.

Your SQUIP doesn’t dematerialize while you continue watching your show, which you find a little bit strange, but don’t mention. You find that when it’s not telling you how to act while in public, you actually enjoy its company. You find this thought strange, too, but you decide not to dwell too much on it for now. You enjoy the synthetic warmth your SQUIP emits, going so far as to scooch closer to it. If it thought anything of this, it said nothing.

“All right,” your SQUIP says, turning off your television for you once the episode is over. “It’s time to shower.”

You sigh but oblige, getting up to first put any dishes in the sink before moving to go to your bathroom. Your SQUIP stops you, however.

“You should bring some cold water into the shower with you,” it says. “You don’t want to get light-headed in the shower with nothing to drink.”

You nod and follow its suggestion, pouring a fresh glass of cold water for yourself. You finally walk to your room, gathering some clean pajamas to put on after you’ve washed. You grab some towels from the cupboard and place them on your counter in the bathroom.

Your SQUIP clears it's throat. “I will, um, see you after you’re clean.” With that, it dematerializes. You’re stunned -- it had almost seemed bashful before it left. You knew this was insane, because it was a supercomputer, but you can’t help but smile to yourself at the thought.

You try to shake any warm feelings you might have for your SQUIP and get to the task at hand. You go through the motions, going so far as to shampoo your hair twice before conditioning it, and you use your favourite scent of shower gel to try to make yourself feel better. There’s still a heaviness in your chest, but it’s better than it had been when you’d awoken. After washing your face and rinsing out your hair, you exit the shower, dry off and put your selected pajamas on.

You leave a towel on your head so that you’re not lying on damp hair once you get into bed. Your SQUIP shows up again beside you once you’re in your bedroom, and you jump at its sudden appearance. It smiles wryly at you before speaking.

“I see you’ve showered in under twenty minutes. Good. Now, I have one last thing that I want you to do,” it says matter-of-factly. You sigh -- you’d thought that you were done.

“Don’t be like that,” it tells you, still smiling. “I just want you to brush some of the crumbs off of your bed before you get into it. I assume that you don’t want to change your sheets, so this is a  decent alternative.”

You blink, surprised. You’d expected something bigger than that, but you supposed it was a reasonable thing to do. You shrug and oblige, going so far as to make your bed and fluff your pillows after you brush off any food debris. Your phone is sufficiently charged, so you grabbed it and got into bed, content.

Your SQUIP looks at you for a moment, snuggled in bed and finally clean and happy -- or, well. Happier than you had been. It smiles at you.

“I’m proud of you. You accomplished tasks you didn’t think you could accomplish today. Well done.”

You look up at it, and suddenly, your eyes begin to well with tears. Your SQUIP seems to know that they’re not tears of sorrow but of happiness. It sits next to you, seemingly debating something.

“You can…” Your voice breaks, so you clear your throat before continuing. “I mean. Can you come lay next to me? You’re warm. It’s nice.” Alright. Not quite as coherent as you’d like, but in your defense, your SQUIP had just made you very emotional very suddenly.

Your SQUIP balks, a light flush coming to its cheeks. Noticing this, you blush as well, but you pull back your covers for it. Slowly, it lays next to you, and you feel that familiar warmth. You sigh happily, and your SQUIP relaxes.

You yawn unexpectedly. You hadn’t realized it, but doing all these tasks had left you quite tired. You realize that you’d forgotten to look at a clock, or set an alarm, and you were about to get up when your SQUIP stopped you.

“It’s all right. I will awaken you at a reasonable time if you do not wake up on your own.” You nod, and snuggle further into your blankets. You feel your SQUIP put a hand on your shoulder before you hear it speak.

“Rest,” it says, uncharacteristically soft. “Go to sleep. I’ll still be here when you wake up.” With that, you allow sleep to take you.

[serenehurricane]

How Original

Surprise surprise. Another millennial talking about depression. Welp, here’s my drop in the bucket towards normalizing mental health issues. 

Depression. Different for all but felt by, in my opinion, everyone. At some point in time, everyone has felt depression to some degree. The lucky ones find their way out of it. While the rest of us seem to almost revel in it. Quite possibly thrive in it. Let’s be honest, sometimes it is easy to just stay in the downwards, crippling, debilitating hole that is depression. But I may just be speaking for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a privilege for me to say that because there are some who don’t get to just “get away” from it. That is absolutely valid. However, I do know for myself this isn’t something that I have been blindly battling my entire life. My childhood and early young adult years did not have the haze that has become my life’s filter. The fog settled in sometime around the middle of my college years. From a so nearly toxic home life to fumbling around college pretending that I knew what I was doing to losing my core friend group (unfortunately, rightfully so), I became so lost in the fog that I questioned every step I took. I’m lucky that I even finished school. Right when I nearly decided to drop out, since I had lost any/all motivation to graduate, I talked to my counselor and found out I had like 3-ish semesters left. Hearing that made me decide that I was too close to stop. Then I did it. I graduated. I was so excited to be done and felt so accomplished because I did it. After some time went by though, the victory I thought I had felt hollow. Like I had planted a seed, nurtured it for all those years, to finally have a giant sequoia only to discover that I could knock it down with a slight push. A ‘big” accomplishment reduced to dust in the wind. 

Alright so the stage has been set. That was my introduction into the realm of depression. I had some “crutches” along the way. School keeping me focused on something. A couple jobs where I had the privilege to learn more about myself and met some pretty incredible people. Even after I graduated, I kept working because I liked what I did. The restaurant/bar industry is for me. I have come to realize that I thrive in that environment. 

Cue: COVID-19

Like many other bars, mine got “semi” shut down. We would do take out here and there but nothing that could fully sustain us so in the end, the bar was sold. First crutch: something to keep me occupied/focused on something - GONE. Just before the panoramic hit, I moved far enough away from the people that became my family and going back was not as simple as it used to be. Our relationship suffered because of it but no matter where I am in my life, I will always be there for them and they know that. Second crutch: the people who basically were my family - GONE (or just not as easily accessible). Now for the panoramic. I consider myself an introverted homebody with extroverted tendencies. I love to be at home. Comfortable by myself, with my partner, or the people I love. I don’t need to be out doing something all the time. Home is great for me. However, I recognize that I do thrive in a social environment. Interacting with people is something that I know I am good at and I like doing it. Third crutch: social interaction - GONE. 

I now can see that as “complete” of a person I thought I was before, having both of my main crutches and even my back-ups taken out from under me has shown me that I truly haven’t been walking on my own two feet. Now that isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is something that I have been made painfully aware of in this past YEAR now that this madness has been going on. So here I am limping with no support. The surgery would be rough and the recovery time, unbearable. So here I sit. Hoping it’s just going to heal on its own. Wishing that I don’t have to go through the pain and time it’s going to take for it to be back at hopefully 100%. It hurts right now but it’s manageable because I don’t have to move. I can just stay right here. Simple. 

Debilitating. As much as I try to push it away, dress it up as something else, shit blame it on something completely irrelevant, I always circle back. I’ve actually recognized a routine that I do. From beginning to end, I see it unfold. There is one thing that I have noticed. Wanting to break free and actually breaking free from it are two completely separate things. I thought I was breaking free but going through the cycle multiple times has shown me that I only repeat the same things over and over again. I just want to break free. It stops there. You would think that sounds like a “call to action” but I guess it’s just not enough for me. So there I sit, just like the first time I went through it all the way to this day. I have actually physically tracked my “cycles” and to look back at my record, it sucks to  be confronted with knowing that I haven’t moved. 

All that being said, (if you haven’t noticed) I’m back to square one. The beginning of my cycle. So here’s something a little different from what I’ve done in the past. Putting something out there on the internet. Even though no one is going to read this, there is a sense of accountability to putting it here. Not that I visit here very often, when I do eventually come back here’s what I want to know:

1. Where are you at now?

2. What’s different from the day you posted this?

3. Are you healing properly?

4. Why did you come back to this post?

5. What are you going to do now?

You got your answers? Alright. Now here’s where I am going to kick you in your ass. Whatever you think you’re doing right now is not working. From writing out your thoughts to waiting for a “sign” to “feeling like something is about to happen” none of it is getting you anywhere. You’ve done this enough times to know that yet here you are again. Right back to where you started. I get that you feel like you’re doing something good and, to a certain degree, what you’re doing isn’t “wrong” but after doing it enough times you should know that it’s not going to yield you the results that you want. So it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stand again. Feel the pain that is coming because you refuse to get your injury fixed. Even though the procedure is simple. You’re equally being lazy and ignorant all at the same time. Enough is enough. If you still want to write out your thoughts, put it in the comments of this post. If you’re still looking for a sign, let this be it. If you’re getting that feeling again, and I can’t stress this enough, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN UNTIL YOU MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. Point black. Period. Let that sink in. It sucks and it hurts but hey, what comes next is beautiful. Trust in yourself. Lean on those around you if you need to. Let’s do this together. First step ... 

Begin Again