#also character analysis and word vomit in general

[razzledazzle-pop]

Having me on a Discord Server is so silly. It’s like: Achievement Unlocked! 🔓🌟: Increasing levels of tomfooleryly heading your way.

It’s also a bit like what I imagine welcoming a vampire into your home is like.

[lxmelle]

Just some thoughts on the observable pairs we see - satosugu and itafushi. Not really an analysis or anything - just sharing my observations. Blabbing as usual. I’m sure I’ll miss something, so feel free to comment or reblog!

Word vomit under cut (please be warned: I did say I wanted to blab ;_;)

I shared a more concise version on X but I guess I wanted to elaborate in a stream of consciousness style.

So here I am. Here you are. Feel free to click away if you’re get bored 🤓

There are parallels between Gojo & Geto and Yuji & Megumi; however, they’re inherently different people. I came across some tweets rethinking the last words in jjk 0, saying things like: this is how stsg should’ve done it, etc.

Yeah, I do get it... just... I just think they’re different people within a different set of circumstances. Could it have been different? Sure. But if they could have a chance to re-do something - at what point would one pick? How would that even guarantee the best outcome? No Toji? Haibara doesn’t die? Gojo admits he is lonely? Or Geto admitting he is lonely?

Mind you, they learnt about love through their separation... How would those lessons have been learnt? There would be no guarantees of Teacher AU being a reality. It would be nice, but that would be straying from the story that has been masterfully - albeit painfully littered with ANGST - written by Gege Akutami.

It is enough for me that Gojo and Geto reconciled at the end of their lives. Salvation. Being together for what could be eternity (for as long as they chose to stay) in 236 is, for me, already a beautiful bittersweet love story. Especially after all they’d been through. Anyway. My point is... context matters. I don’t really enjoy discourse over who did it better. They had what they had. They made the most of what they had. And the tragedy is what is relatable and is beautiful too. So once again, they’re unique characters within a setting that is different.

Their bonds are therefore, by extension, also very different, although there are similarities. I don’t want to engage in debates over which is superior - that’s not my point, intention or interest. They’re different and appreciable within their own uniqueness.

Friendship is friendship, and love is love, after all. But even within the expression of affection and love, our individual needs and/or methods of expressing such emotions will differ.

I think to consider themes and what insights we can gain from these two… We have to look at their situations in its entirety. Gojo, Nanami, and others from that generation learned about the necessity to protect the youth.

So I think: compared to what Yuji and Megumi had, it seems as if what Gojo and Geto had (in terms of emotional safety and intimacy) were with each other - and it was somewhat lacking due to their own individual limitations. They had no other significant persons to speak of - at least, for certain, for Gojo. Since we don’t know Geto’s history aside from how he had human parents and he was scouted <- But more on this later.

What Yuji and Megumi had was by no means adequate, I don’t think, but at least from what we can infer from Gojo and Geto, it was more than what they had. Not only because the adults within the sorcery world like Yaga, Nanami, Gojo, Shoko (perhaps?), and Ino were more involved than whoever else were teachers during Gojo & Geto’s time - but Yuji had gramps and Megumi had Tsumiki who offered the a glimpse of what familial love is.

They had some form of a secure bond in another person to offer a sense of security and inherent worth. Megumi lesser than Yuji, but this is also why we see him as an avoidant-ambivalent kind of person who is also much like his father who grew up emotionally deprived and rejected. His sense of worth came from being independent and aloof despite being emotionally and psychologically deep (and parched for compassionate & authentic human connection).

The school itself seemed to have more teachers and fellow students. Possibly fewer curses due to Geto’s active efforts for 10 years to amass 6k for the Night Parade. Furthermore, more sorcerers may mean fewer student casualties (fewer deaths like Haibara’s) and improved manpower to counter curses. And when it came to Yuji’s time, not only was he personally rather resilient, he had companionship with Nobara, Megumi, Todo, Choso... that bordered on familial love and likely assisted with maintaining his sanity when faced with the gruesome cruelties he witnessed & endured.

And circling back to Geto: We don’t know what Geto had growing up, but for him to be that emotionally attached to Gojo, and that way inclined to immediately rise to fury (at the abuse of the girls + having been asked to kill them) and seek to avenge, protect and become a parent in his teens - can can assume he was somewhat parentified himself. Meaning, he likely learned the need to play this role during his formative years - likely him childhood.

He felt highly responsible for everyone and his personality was as such where he took things very seriously & earnestly. The parallel was drawn between him and Yuta - the original “parallel pairing” from jjk 0. The world he was shown was far too cruel; especially for someone who felt the weight of the world on his shoulders and didn’t know how to share it with someone who he probably saw Gojo as shouldering it in his own way. The perfectionist that was Geto who tried to live sincerely and be a role model ended up falling through a gap, leaving him with no choice but to force himself to keep living towards some kind of a redemptive goal, within a punishing life consuming vile curse after curse (his only source of stress), to either succeed a crazy dream, or die trying to Gojo’s hand. But he remained true to himself - Geto lived for others. He was only ever shown to be selfish with one thing: Gojo. (Don’t follow me: It won’t be bad to die by your hand. I’m envious.)

They had no capacity - knowledge, experience, or language to reconcile their differences. It wasn’t as if anyone showed them how to share the burden. Right? Throughout HI - did anyone offer comfort to Geto? That man was so very much like a “mum” who mops up shit and vomit without complaining. The emotional and mental burden. I wrote about this before - Gojo is masculine-coded (Yang energy). Geto is Yin. This is another parallel with Megumi and Yuji. Shadows - Yin. Yuji is kind of dazzling isn’t he? Light, heat, strength. Yang.

And Gojo? The “sheltered but forced to grow up too quickly” boy probably never knew what being nurturing love or unconditional love meant until Geto came along. Probably never thought he needed it. When touched by someone’s love and compassion like this - isn’t it natural to just react to it? To lean into it like a monkey separated from its mother, with only a warm furry surrogate to cling onto? Never thought he needed it until it was no longer there. Why? It would be enough to inflict some kind of an identity crisis for someone like Gojo Satoru. How could someone NOT want him for his strength?! For the first time Gojo Satoru probably felt a vulnerability he could not bring himself to eliminate.

With a background like theirs: It’s no wonder what they developed was a form of codependency. They complemented one another in so many ways - it was effortless and natural. Both strong, both intrigued by each other, could keep up with conversations, engage in mischievous cheekiness, etc.

They almost/probably(?) completed one another - but of course, what fulfils a person cannot just be one other person alone. Especially as a monster like Gojo Satoru with a thirst for fulfilment of his powers and someone like Geto Suguru who needed to have a deep meaning and purpose in life.

Think about a sportsperson and a philanthropist, respectively. Neither should be expected to concede to the other and be forced to be satisfied with the other alone. It doesn’t and shouldn’t work that way.

The respect and love they had for each other was profound. It was beyond themselves. So they did their best to support each other without an open conversation in the 10 years - just like a quiet love. Apart from each other. Despite the time and distance, their selfishness and possessiveness for each other was also telling of their twisted love - it’s crazy exclusivity. Geto calling Yuta a womaniser simply for healing/having a friend in Maki and then processing his love for Rika? That still makes me chuckle. As much as Gojo liking dogs (source GIGA character book) because Geto was once mistaken for Takeru the dog. 😂 unbelievable. Other examples: I’ll die to your hand. If you were there I’d be satisfied. Hm. Yeah. Crazy exclusivity. Almost at the expense of themselves...

Anyway. In terms of bonds: The codependency between Gojo & Geto is both a positive & negative. Maybe a byproduct of their generation & lack of emotional support within that time. The title as the strongest was a burden to Gojo & Geto (together and individually) that was different to that of what Yuji and Megumi carry respectively. So the context, era, setting, etc. would’ve shaped them differently too.

It’s also worth remembering that Megumi’s level of self importance, like Yuji, is not like that of Gojo or Geto who carried the weight of huge responsibility from a young age. Their bond was also therefore a little bit more twisted comparative to what Yuji and Megumi have.

And despite the short time together, we do see a the beginnings of preciousness between them with Yuji being determined to at least reach Megumi with a conversation in his fight with Sukuna - despite the insane power difference.

It’s absolutely mind-blowing when I think about this teenager going head to head with this old fart who is on the level of a calamity and has taken countless lives. And earlier on, soulful yet apprehensive Megumi not wanting someone compassionate like Yuji to die. Even making a request with Gojo to do something about it. Like a sense of inner knowing that the other was someone special and worth protecting. Yin is also associated with intuition.

They also underwent transformation where “if you die I’ll kill you” is now replaced by a different dialogue spurred on by Megumi’s honest narrative of the simple pleasures of living… and the devastation of his very down to earth/humble dreams being dashed and Yuji’s heartfelt response that showed acceptance and love beyond himself for Megumi’s plight. It was really moving. The power of such a love and the capacity of Yuji to grow as he did. Perhaps it was also because he was given the ingredients (love, faith, friendship, belief, resolve, etc.) to nourish him whenever he faced adversity. I mean, resilience is about growing from “trauma” and overcoming the tendency to hide which can result in becoming brittle (therefore weak).

Anyway. They’re like Gojo & Geto on a speedrun. But that is not the only difference… The forcible nature of having their bodies & wills violated - taken over as vessels for Sukuna- used to commit crimes against their desires - is something they share. A point of reference that can lend itself to relating to one another. It stimulates protectiveness. Compassion & connection.

Surely a common enemy changes things? Gojo & Geto could not see eye to eye when it came to it. Timing wasn’t on their side. Almost as it lateness was a theme. It was difficult to be vulnerable to one another. It almost mimics real life generational differences. They existed in a different world. When a common enemy is present, it is normal to rally together. Once again, their roles were different. Stronger than their sensei. Their expectations will be different as a result. Tengen requested their assistance.

Were the younger generation shielded from such burdens? I’d say so. Those on the frontlines within the school probably also changed (a little) after Geto defected, especially with Gojo using his influence to save and protect his students. We saw how Yaga reflected on his regrets as a teacher, relating to Gojo who opted to be a teacher too.

I think it was horrendous how nobody really noticed or anticipated that Geto would struggle the way he did. It was left to a peer (Gojo) we had no personal resources to support Geto in his own youth. It didn’t make sense. There was a lot lacking, as we know. It was a different time with someone to shield the young sorcerers to some degree. There was already a “strongest” (Gojo) when they were born.

Further, Gojo did his best to offer the kids something different - with Megumi having a different option to the Zenin & Nanami’s involvement with Yuji.

Their loneliness have subtle differences, so Gojo wasn’t lonely (in 236) with the companionship of others after being taught how to connect with people by Geto, but he still needed Geto to feel fully satisfied.

I think that’s why Geto said he was envious, because he assumed after hearing those words that Gojo was fully satisfied - eventhough his last words to Geto must have implied that Geto was important to him. Geto had a void that only Gojo could fill but he was, as ever, conceding enough in his love for Gojo to say “as long as you’re satisfied I’m relieved for you.”

Gojo corrected him by telling him he still needed him to feel fully satisfied. Implying it was something only Geto could fulfil. Gojo’s heart grew to accommodate his students and everyone but the shape in his heart of Geto was for Geto to fill.

Similarly for Geto, when he defected, he also wore the Gojo kesa like a lingering connection (longing/codependency). He did not feel he could smile as sincerely as he once could after he committed the crime and had to leave his best friend’s side to pursue the only option left.

Their love was somewhat twisted in nature, as it blessed/saved & cursed them equally. They needed other things to fulfil them but their bond was irreplaceable.

I’ll say it again: a partner’s place isn’t replaceable by students, children, friends, etc. Especially if it was someone you truly love. You can grow around the grief but the shape left behind by that person is still the same shape of that person.

Another way I conceptualise it is how they feel that the other completes them. On their own they feel incomplete. Lacking. Therefore to Gojo, Geto was a part of him. So he would feel incomplete (as a person) without Geto - within this kind of codependent bond.

It was noticed by others like Shoko who pictured them as a pair who seemed like nothing could come between them. A pair who she could never fall in love with individually, or offer to one what the other offered... (love, of course) but she was there. Shoko was never one to shoulder the burden of strength and the involvement it entails, but shouldered the entirety of having to witness passively (helplessly) from the sidelines. This was symbolic of their roles. Fighter versus medic. Gojo & Geto in a world of their own. They were the strongest. Somehow this role mattered to them. What a burden of responsibility that could erode their human nature. Don’t you think?

Back to parallels: With Yuji & Megumi, their relationship is younger. Despite the year between them the apprehensive Megumi already trusted Yuji so much that he considered him a brother on the same level as his sister. He’s a good judge of character. I always enjoyed how perceptive Megumi was.

With the loss of Tsumiki, I’m sure the bond will change / deepen as he realises his value as a person (not just observer standing behind Yuji & Tsumiki) with a new reason to live/fight. Adopting the same purpose as Yuji, perhaps, for each other. We do not know how much they rely on the other for fulfilment, but I’m encouraged that their bond will be unique and rich after these life experiences. How could it not be? How could Megumi not respond to such a kind & heartfelt expression of sincerity? Because Yuji isnt asking anything of Megumi : he was very simply saying: I’ll accept you, Megumi. What a demonstration of unconditional love and compassion. Incredible. It reminded me of how Gojo found the words to say to Geto to save his soul at the end of jjk 0. But once again, lateness seems to be a theme for the older generation.

As it stands, Megumi wished to see Tsumiki with Yuji and he observed from behind. Once again his level of self importance wasn’t high. Neither was Yuji who felt he was a cog in the wheel, a sacrificial vessel, etc. until recently. Gojo and Geto grew with the notion that had set roles to fulfil as the strongest. This was true of the time. And when we think of who they had around them… each other. Gojo and Geto were very codependent so they’d imagine themselves walking together. But in the end I can see how Geto felt like he was watching Gojo from behind. And Gojo felt he watched Geto leave - twice over; the final time to his own hand. Thank goodness for 236.

So I think the relationships have parallels but they are different… I don’t think this can translate into the last words in 0. Gojo admitting he will miss Geto or that he would be lonely - would sound too much like a curse. Thematically the only thing that fits is “I love you”. But the unsaid implications for the feelings (will we meet again, loneliness, my best friend, I love you, etc.) were all hinted at.

The similarities between them as individuals are many, for example : Geto and Yuji consume curses, and I think the intimate knowledge of this helped them have empathy. Geto and Megumi manipulate shadows/curses/creatures. Gojo and Yuji are strong in constitution and cope with adversity with resilience. Further, Gojo and Yuji suffered loss of someone important and witnessed their suffering, allowing them to let go out of compassionate mercy, despite the loneliness it created for themselves. Gojo and Megumi were blessed with historically revered Cursed Techniques. Being vessels also became a parallel: Yuji and Megumi to Sukuna & Geto to Kenjaku and Gojo to Kenjaku’s technique via Yuta. In this sense, Yuji and Gojo both became vessels upon their own volition.

For someone like Gojo he may not have struggled with the loss of comrades in the past and in the future. Geto did and this was also what broke him without the support to maintain his emotional wellbeing. Yuji saw far too much tragedy within a short space of time and the difference is not only in his personality but the availability of people around him who regarded him as family - Todo, Choso, etc. Megumi is like Geto in that sense where they were selective in who they wished to save, knowing their limitations maybe, or the wickedness within their flawed humanity. But the loss of the important ones also broke them. So I think in that way they respected and admired those who could remain objective like Yuji and Gojo.

Loneliness was a given. Gojo could not ask Geto to live, & at the end of 0 Geto must have thought that someone (strong & objective) like Gojo who raised such students & could cope with the deaths of others better than he, should be allowed to keep living on a righteous path after all - so he could die with a peaceful heart knowing he was loved by Gojo even after “leaving him behind” and urged to live righteously on a different path. He also didn’t kill any sorcerers which was the group he chose to protect.

They were both lonely in life, needed each other to feel complete (codependency), so in 236 they reunited as a form of salvation. As many others have said... 236 was also like a comfort for satosugu fans because without it, 261 would’ve been even more painful.

With just 5 chapters until the end... I’m not really ready for the series to end, but I’m so grateful Gege sees that he can can finish it as he envisions. Hopefully we get a satisfying conclusion to Yuji & Megumi (and end up getting some bonus side stories or backstories).

Ah I’ve rambled far too much. All this is just my opinion / observations of course. Parallels are parallels but they don’t necessarily overlap. I’m looking forward to seeing how the relationships of the new generation will unfold.

…and not forgetting about the fate of Yuta & Rika 😣 since they go back into 0 & have similar parallels with the pairs.

Hopefully curses can save people’s souls too...

[incorrectklavekatz]

Javier and Dutch’s Relationship Analysis

I feel like as a whole, Javier is generally one of the gang members who is under looked in terms of his dynamic with Dutch. Especially considering how critical it is to his character.

First of all, as most people know, Javier met Dutch at an extremely vulnerable time in his life, he knew no English, he was starving, and he was in a country which was actively hostile to him, he was also around 22 when Dutch found him.

This means that he fit neither criteria for Dutch’s usual choice of muscle for the gang. He was weak when he found him, but he was also already an established adult who had his own beliefs and morals in place, he couldn’t be groomed like John or Arthur, and he wasn’t already in a position to immediately start working for him like Charles or Sean.

At the point of Dutch picking him up, the only thing he had to control Javier was the fact that nobody else would have taken him, Javier even says it himself, he’s so grateful to Dutch because nobody else would take him, and this is where I feel like the understanding of his relationship with Dutch gets lost for a lot of the fandom.

I see the term ‘blind loyalty’ flung around for him a lot, but I don’t think that’s the case. Yes, he lets things slide that likes of John and Arthur didn’t necessarily, likes of seeing the woman on the boat in the Blackwater job getting shot, but even saying that, Javier doesn’t see any of the other things Dutch does.

He is not there when Angelo Brontë is killed, he is not there for most of the Wapiti missions, he doesn’t see Dutch killing that woman in Guarma, largely, he doesn’t see Dutch doing anything out of the ordinary, and nobody speaks about these events specifically in camp, so it’s very likely Javier didn’t even know about them.

He also isn’t there for Dutch’s mental decline, so does not see how bad Dutch is getting over the course of the game, he is not personally involved with him in the same way enough to see any of that. All he knows of the situation is that his family is falling apart, and Dutch, the man who has just saved his life, either from death or from being sold as a slave (there is a slave trade for Mexicans in Saint Denis, a place we know Fussar is based in America), is telling him it’s John and Arthur’s fault that everything is going to shit.

Another point against it being ‘blind’ loyalty, is that Javier does question Dutch, he is one of the first to do so, at Clemens point he will ask Dutch what they’re doing and express his concerns to him, and he is immediately shot down for it. He visibly becomes nervous when Dutch lashes out at the ‘doubt’, and quickly agrees with him to settle things back out again, Javier does not like to be in a conflict with Dutch. He will question Dutch again on the way back from Guarma, expressing his concerns with Dutch going against the moral compass that is the whole reason Javier so strongly connects with Dutch, and again, Dutch will shoot him down and immediacy berate him for questioning it.

My personal opinion is that Javier has developed an anxious attachment style to Dutch. We know that his parents didn’t approve of Javiers actions in the revolution and that they wanted him to live the same life his father did, and overall while he expresses his love for his mother, he also expresses that he does not agree with his parents. Dutch is a parental figure who he believes shares the same views as him, who has taken him in when all odds were against him finding somewhere, and who we have seen gaslight Javier twice just in the time we see them interact in the game.

This is likely something that has happened previously to the game starting, and it’s conditioned Javier into not wanting to upset Dutch in fear of losing his place in the gang, it’s easier to trust him than to be kicked out and have nowhere to go.

Again, this is just a word vomit, don’t take anything I say as gospel, this is just my understanding of their dynamic!

As usual asks are always open and I always appreciate them <333

[punishing-eden]

Thoughts on the Latest Archon Quest...

Aka why Neuvillette is the best boy, a stan's Essay...

⚠️MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ARCHON QUESTS AND STORY QUESTS⚠️

>>>TDLR at the end

Tags: Rambling, long post, not really an essay, but just want to say a few things, idk will this make sense, I can't write essays this just a word vomit.

Please note that this is just MY opinion. I am not here to slander, theory craft, or be in an argument. I just want to give my two cents and thoughts about this game and the story.

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I have recently got back to Genshin mainly due to Furina. I actually like everything about her, from her colours to her characterisation. The lastest Archon Quest solidifies her as one of my favourite Genshin characters.

Firstly, I want to talk about Fontaine's plotline as a whole, how everything ties up together on the end. Then, why I find Neuvillette such an endearing character through out the arc.

Previously, after going through Sumeru's Archon Quest, which; I find it more enjoyable and better written than Inazuma's arc, I had expressed my concerns regarding the AQ's plotlines in the Hoyo survey.

This concern feels a bit silly to type it out now after the fact, but during that time, at least to me, it felt like a main concern.

The main concern was about the over all theme of AQs: the people vs Archon. I fear that it would be overly used and recycled. That, it might get predictable, and what's the point of me continuing the quest if the story is basically, help people accept the archon, or help the archon accept the people.

In otherwords, if each nation has a unique crisis of their own, I personally would find it more engaging to continue and see.

In general, Fontaine did not disappoint.

Firstly, I want to say, I enjoy watching Tartaglia getting yeeted. Lol.

As for the story, I think the pacing improved, although there are still some areas in the story that I think could be better. For instance the Fotress of Meropide arc, and the Spina arc. But, I think it has improved in terms of linking the events and foreshadowing something bigger for the grand finale at the last act.

Not to mention, the AQ seems to finally address, or acknowledge the anomlies of Teyvat, like the Descenders, Skirk, and a bit about Celestia.

It's not a lot, but enough for me to be satisfy. Because, in the past, these lore bits are just crumbs. And, now it feels like the actual agency/story is moving forward to something.

As for the story itself, I like the concept of the prophecy. For some reason, it reminds me of Noah's Ark with the flooding, punishment, and the flying ship in Meropide.

The prophecy aspect feels unique. Paired it with Furina, the archon who we all perceive as a stereotypical Marie-Antoinette-quese, and dramatic personality, to be incompetent in the time of crisis. I was at the edge of my seat to see how can she solve this problem.

People might say, "Well, the traveller is going to help her, of course!" which brings me to my next point.

For once, the traveller feels powerless. A stark contrast to the usual, "Only the traveller can do this.", or "The traveller is so strong they can bring an end to this.", and I think this makes the stakes higher, more exciting.

Heck, most of the cut scenes show how the casts were the ones who take initiative to solve problems. Like, Clorinde and Wriothesley at Meropide, or Navia saving the traveller when the clockwork meka went haywire.

Overall the story felt like a roller coaster of emotions, packed with tension, mystery, and drama. The last act was just so bittersweet for me.

I love the moments between Focalor and Neuvillette. I think it kind of shows how much connection they both had through out those 400 years.

Also, Focalor is really pretty!!!!??? Like, can this be a skin option?!

In regards to Neuvillette, I am not here to do an expert character analysis, but to kind of just tell you how I interpret Neuvillette's character, and in what aspect did I enjoy him the most in the role of the story.

Do note that I play in the Japanese voice over, so the characterisation and interpretation is different than the English voice over.

What I like the most about Neuvillette might be the fact, how simple his character is. If I were to boil down Neuvillette's core character it would simply be: benevolent.

His character is of a benevolent Hydro Dragon (I don't know can this statement be use to describe to his past self.) Not only to Melsuines, or to other people in general, but I also think it is how he sees the world.

Such as, his relationship with Furina, I actually think he's being very patient with her (Save for the trial, because everyone was desperate at that point). The time when he was ask how he would 'hunt' his 'prey', Neuvillette states he would use the most gentlest way as possible. Visiting Callas's grave after being confronted by Navia. Heck, this guy even goes out of his way to make the small talk just to not let Paimon feel awkward.

Despite how simple his characterisation is, it is also complex in a sense. In his SQ, we get to see how Neuvillette has his own concerns and issues settling in Fontaine. And, it is not soley his benevolence that is causing him the issue, rather, it was the circumstances that happened in the past, and how he interpreted the whole situtation and it's aftermath. I think the SQ did a good job in showing how complex he can get, if given the right conflict and situtation. *cough cough* we will not talk about a certain SQ *cough*

I think the narration for his SQ did a good job in focusing on Neuvillette as a character, and the emotional side of him. I might be a little empathetic, with the cut scene and the information we learned, I was able to connect with Neuvillette emotionally by how well the cut scene wrapped up the story. I felt the melancholy and bittersweetness.

Whereas for Wriothesley's SQ, just to compare, it was interesting to say the least. But, I couldn't connect with him in an emotional level as I did with Neuvillette. And, I think if the Devs could just show a bit more vulnerability of Wriothesley's character (his past is the most interesting part about him.) it would be a better connection with the character, instead of info dumping about his past in the most anti-climatic way.

I actually really enjoy Neuvillette's and Furina's relationship. As I said before, I find Neuvillette being extremely patient with Furina with her antics, despite he sometimes make comments on how she handle things, I still think he holds Furina close (Not in shipping way), after all it was her that gave him a place in Fontaine.

The part where Neuvillette finally meets Focalor, and knowing what was being set in stone; Neuvillette will regain all his original powers to end the crisis, and Focalor getting guillotined to get rid of the heaven principle's influence on Fontaine (I think Focalor is the only one, by far, was able to actually spite Celestia). That scene, I find, moving, and it really shook me, especially when Neuvillette made this expression:

He might not be the most expressive character, but...gosh that expression conveys so much of his emotions.

My interpretations is: I don't think Neuvillette wanted Focalor to sacrifice herself, and felt there could be another way. There are so many things he wanted to say to her, and to even ask her.

But alas, he never got a chance to before Focalor was guillotined.

The more I write about this particular scene, the more questions and new possible interpretation comes to mind:

Why did Neuvillette feel upset when Focalor executed herself? If, essentially, she's a different "person" to Furina. Could this mean, regardless of Focalor and Furina, he still sees them both as one entity?

Who, or what, is he grieving (I interpret him as griefing in the admist of powering up) for? Was he grieving because he felt sympathy for what Furina and Focalor had to do?

To be honest, I don't know, so I can't conclude an opinion. Maybe when he got a second act to his SQ, it could provide more insight for me to have an opinion.

But for now, I believe everything Neuvillette does comes from a good place in his heart even if it doesn't seem like it at the beginning. He could have got his power up and simply reclaim Fontaine and not care about the people, like Apep, but he didn't and chose to fillful Focalor's wishes. Even so, he still worries about Furina's well being after the fact.

After all that has been said of my impression of Neuvillette, I find his benevolence, and his lack of conventional human expression very endearing. I also enjoy how we began to gradually see him become more expressive. I enjoyed his relationship with Furina because they are kinda like a set, in my opinion, like a dynamic duo type of characters.

That being said, I hope the devs can continue with their good work, and I am excited to see what the Teyvat journey ahead would be like.

>>>

TLDR: Teyvat's Fontaine arc is nicely written. It has showcase improvements in regards of the overall story telling of the Archon Quests, such as pacing, flow, and themes. Although, there were a few parts of the story that I feel could have been done better.

It's nice that the story also finally addressed the anomalies of the Teyvat world (as they play a much bigger part), thus giving more information to the lore, and help to bring agency back to the main story.

In my opinion, Neuvillette is a greatly written character, and I enjoy his character throughout the Archon Quests. In my character study/writing perspective, Neuvillette's characteration, I find, is very interesting, and I couldn't wait to see more of his character in the future.

Thank you for reading of you made it this far!

[kietakunai]

I cracked and caught up with the english translation of wet sand and I have so many conflicting feelings about it... going to slap a read more on this to not word vomit all over your dash 🤠

Even though I originally dropped it rather early on bcs the love triangle angle was too painful for me, I could not get them out of my head so I've been sort of keeping tabs on the story out of the corner of my eye to see if it would be safe coming back.

What broke me out of my self-imposed safety prison was largely twt discussions regarding translation errors + spoilers from upcoming chapters and skjdgakhgsdhksa-- I'll just be forever sad that the english translation is missing a lot of important context and nuance and the knowledge that unless you either speak korean or look up fandom analysis/discussion, you might never know what you're missing out on. I think particularly TJ suffers from mischaracterisation since he comes off as a lot meaner than he actually is when they drop all his endearments and they choose the worst literal translation of what YW says to/about him... No wonder so many eng-speaking fans think TJ is horrible and Jo is the greenest flag (but what will they think about the things that come afterrrrr ch 52 I can't wait to seeeee aaaaahhhhh) NVM the official english print release that was just announced is retranslated and Doyak looked it over to make sure 🥺 I feel bad for her having to deal with this fandom tbh but I'm also so grateful 😭

I'm such a sucker for characters that display deep, unwavering devotion and the more they reveal of TJ and YW's past the worse it gets 😭 It's so unfair many people will just take it at face value as "generic bl with toxic ml/mc/green flag ml with nice art & smut but shallow characters" bcs of translation!!! The way the author touches on things like trauma and its effect on people, the many different shapes of love, the difficulty of overcoming yourself.... I love it so much 🥺💕

Doyak's visual storytelling is amazing (I'm not that good at picking out themes, parallels etc but I love reading other people's analysis), and the more I read the more I realise this story is so much deeper than I initially thought. It's really a shame it will be deemed a niche work since it's a BL series, but it would also not be possible to tell this sort of story if it wasn't a BL series.

Some spoilers: I originally said I came back because I regained faith in TJ/YW but there are still obstacles to be overcome if that point is to be reached. Still, after ch 52, I am almost certain it can't be Jo. TJ has sacrificed everything for YW and has shaped his entire life around him. It's a mutually codependent and complicated love born from their circumstances back then/over time, but I think Jo as the catalyst for them breaking out of their toxic loop is the answer... They have both done things to eachother they shouldn't have, but there was never any actual malicious intentions and I genuinely believe they can heal from it together if they would just talk about it 😭 I know many people brush off Jo's sa of YW in ch 52 "it was consensual until YW passed out" (🤢🤢🤢), but from the way Doyak is telling the story, I don't think a character who does this to the mc can end up with him (even though YW has no knowledge of what happened, bcs, well, he was unconscious :))). I have difficulty seeing any way of Jo recovering from this (actually I'm rather more interested in seeing his obsession with YW sending him into spiral).

The biggest problem rn is that, as people have pointed out, it might not be correctly tagged as a tragedy until it's over as to not spoil possible endings....... and if death is a possibility, my favourites usually die. Send help, I am scared 😭

[yomogi-mogi-mochi]

Spolia (V)

Parings: Malleus/(Light Fae) MC // Slight Rook/Vil // Trein/MC (Parental)

Summary: You wondered why you ever got accepted into NRC but never bothered to look back when the infamous black carriage whisked you away from a place you could never call home. Having been handed an opportunity of freedom, of solitude, of hope- how come you're paralyzed with fear rather than excitement? Your sunny plein air sessions and nightly walks contemplating this has attracted a certain dragon fae with an affinity for your nimble gargoyle sketches and magnificent paintings.

Notes: Haha have you ever loved someone so much you wanted to crawl into their skin to feel their warmth and life and decay surround your entirety? Totally yeah me neither! Also working more on the Pygmalion inspired Rook fic still. I'm cookin up something real tasty lmk your thoughts and character analysis on Rook. @twst-hanaya ‘s analysis “Apathy Wrapped in Kindness” particularly struck me, and was one of the inspirations to this coming work.

CW: Graphic descriptions of vomit (I swear it’s plot/symbolically relevant), panic attack

AO3 Link Here.

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5 (Here) // Part 6 // Part 7

Masterlist

————————————

You woke up with the sun beaming on your back, wrapping your exposed shoulders with its golden warmth. You didn't even remember falling sleep last night, especially on the floor of all places. Maybe you just passed out after all that painting.

Basking in the honeyed glow of the sun, soaking its radiance into ivory hair and nestling it deeply into your lungs, you were reminded of Lilia’s words. Like he suggested, it felt good to be exposed to what you came from. Here, you were weighed down by the effects of the potion, and at home, you were tossed into that dark room. All the naps you often took under the sun made more sense now, it felt like you were making up for all of the natural sustinece you were lacking. After rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you face your painting from last night.

Though generally, you fussed at the minute details of each piece, painstakingly perfecting each particle of every piece‒ that obsessive hunger that ate away at your heart last night was nearly gone, especially when you remember the contents of that letter. And unlike all of your pieces before, you imprinted your name into the piece.

Find me, find me, find me

You felt determination pool into your stomach, and you let out a careful breath so as to not shatter it. Looking around the mess in your room, you decided to begin gathering supplies for a busy weekend. Since winter break was approaching, the art club usually hosted a winter market on campus grounds with the science club, which provided much of the funds for club activities until the spring events rolled around. This year seemed to warrant special attention and efforts, due to a certain headmage claiming he didn’t have much funds to spare for most of the clubs this year. Something about unforeseen damages caused by overblots this year, you weren’t sure what that was about, not really keeping up to date with student drama and news circulating around busy lunch periods and Magicam group chats. Nonetheless, both the art and science club were especially fired up to earn some funds for creative and scientific pursuits. You decided you were going to sell some homemade paints, as well as set up some personal exhibitions for select members. In addition to all of the other booths featuring jewelry, pottery, glassware, and other artist booths‒ you already knew you were going to be stretched thin managing everything at once, so preparation was key.

You gathered some vials of paint and a few pieces from your hoard of paintings before changing into your uniform, and slipping your itchy wig onto your head. When you finished straightening our your appearance, our body automatically moved towards the chest on top of your dresser, containing the vial you choked down everyday. You numbed your body, running a still coldness in your veins to prepare for the burn to come. Throwing the bottle back as usual, you cringed when the viscous fire touched your tongue, sliding down each fleshy ridge in your throat. Again, you flushed the feeling down with water, feeling the fire push down into your stomach, and up again into your searing heart. You set the bottle back in its chest, turning to the supplies that were gathered near your door, wobbling towards the drapery you usually used to transport your paintings without any unwanted attention. Spreading the fabric, you wrapped the smaller ones in one, before turning to the biggest panting to encase individually. You felt your head spin at the sight of your work from last night, with your name delicately blended into the scene in gray paint. The air in your lungs rose to your heart, and tightened your heavy chest.

Please let me find you.

You hauled your body with all your mortal might, flinging your door open and bolted to the shared bathroom down the hall. The scorching bile that lurched at the back of your throat was just barely held in as you purged the bitter acid from your stomach. You heard a clink of glass as you realized you had probably brought the vial into the bathroom, but the moment of clarity soon ceased as liquid poured and poured from your throat. Though you told your body to stop, it didn’t. The bitterness just kept gushing and gushing out of you. Through your bleary eyes, you could identify the chunks resembling the cookies you ate with Malleus and Lilia last night, the water you drank just now with the medicine, and an unidentifiable toxin from deep within you that continued to spurt out. Against the waves that rippled your back into another fit, you felt a cool hand massage your back. You wanted to swat it away, but your hands clung to the sides of the porcelain. After what felt like an eternity, your body stopped expelling the waste from your mouth, allowing your vision to adjust to the bottle that rolled at the base of the toilet. When your shaking hand reached out to it, a slender hand plucked it from the marble tiles.

“What is this?”

Your head thundered in pain as you recognized the voice.

“Are you alright…?” Vil asked, looking down at your form with a twinge of disgust and worry. When you forced your weighted eyelids open, your dorm leader was sniffing the contents of the bottle, before swirling it around in the light above to catch its color in his eyes. “You shouldn’t be messing around with potions like this. You know what this is, right?”

If you could feel shame as a Pomefiore student who was supposed to excel in potions, you would. However, the breaths that you gulped in and squeezed out of your lungs was the best you could do. You were never informed of the contents of the bottle, nor did you seek to find out what it was. To you, it was just the medicine your mother sent to you every month, which you were responsible for emptying into your body without a single drop before sending the empty bottle back to her. You just sent a pitiful look to your dorm leader.

Vil furrowed his eyebrows, holding out the potion to your face. “ This , is a transformation potion, which you may know from your alchemy courses to be both illegal , and very dangerous if consumed in large quantities like this. The bottle is nearly empty, so, enlighten me , what exactly were you thinking ?”

You winced at each word Vil emphasized. From his stern expression, it was clearly coming from a place of concern, but deep shame bloomed inside of you as you were reminded of your blind faith towards your mother, despite ‒ even in your delirium‒ knowing her words were never to be trusted. You knew, but you couldn’t help but to curl into yourself, to tuck into your body tightly to shield yourself from the pain that was behind that truth. Why did you have to do this? Why did the gods condemn you? Why did your fae parents abandon you in exchange for a human child? Why? Why? Why ?

You slowly rose to your feet, ignoring the nausea that rushed throughout your body. Despite his dissatisfaction from a lack of answer, Vil supported your body against his, leading you back to the bed in your room.

“I’m obviously going to have to confiscate this…It seems you have your own situation so I’ll let the headmage decide what he’s going to do about this…” He gestured towards your messy figure. “But, in the meantime, rest . Otherwise I will be putting you on house arrest.”

Despite the threat of his words, you felt grateful for his understanding, however you still groaned and reached out towards Vil as a pathetic attempt to steal back the potion. Exhaustion etched in your bones as you just dragged your hand up, before gravity pushed it back down onto your covers. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, Lilia was definitely right, your physical body needed rest from the potion‒ the poison. You gazed with heavy eyes as Vil exited your room, vial in hand.

This is it. This is the end.

Your mind briefly flashed to the previous episodes of fury from your mother, a phantom tug felt at your hair when you remembered the times she dragged you by the root of its scalp to shut you in that dark room. Surely you were going to suffer for this, that was fact. You merely accepted it, and swallowed it through your acid burnt throat. When your eyes flickered to your painting again, your hands were already rustling the parchment in your pocket. Taking the letter out, smoothing out the wrinkles, you traced a featherlight touch onto the raised ink. As your back crashed into your covers, the smell of turpentine and withered paper enveloped you as you drifted off to sleep.

————————————

Malleus walked his usual route to the library per his daily schedule since the cultural festival. He imagined exactly the location of the book, Spolia , tucked between one red, one blue book by each side. Even with the number of times he scurried into the library to check if the slip was gone from the book‒ he could never seem to remember or even register the other books in the library that were with it. He dragged his finger across the spines, stopping his finger precisely at Spolia . With a baited breath, he opened the book.

At page 1001, where the letter should have been, bore a crease in the binding of the book as if to imprint the absence of the parchment onto the pages. Malleus felt the pounding of his heart at his fingertips, at the soles of his feet, into the core of his ears.

I wish to find you.

He wondered what they looked like when they found the letter? Did surprise embellish your face? Confusion? Happiness? Sadness? What did they feel in that moment, feet planted right where his were? Malleus breathed deeply, pushing the oxygen from his lungs, through his stomach, and far into his hands and feet as if to feel the remnants of their warmth from the carpet and musky library air. He at least hoped they heard the same drumming of blood in their head as he was right now.

Flipping through the pages, he looked for any trace of them within each grain of the paper. When he found nothing, he sighed, slipping the book back into its place. Maybe he’d ask you if any exhibitions or showings were coming up to scour the walls for another breathtaking piece. He felt an itch forming that scrambled his insides, intensifying the ache that palpated the nerves from the tip of his horns, to the soles of his feet. Swallowing the saccharine warmth that spread on his tongue, he tamped down that feeling as he walked towards the Pomefiore dorm for the first time, without you.

————————————

You felt so much better after that nap. Throwing up really sapped the energy out of you, and you were slightly thankful that it had, otherwise you probably would have carried on as usual and inconvenienced more people. You felt lighter, hopping out of bed with your new found energy and dusting the wrinkles out of your uniform. Though your stomach twisted a bit at the sight of your painting, you were able to wrap in its cloth without expelling all of the contents of your stomach once more. Gulping that feeling down with an entire glass of water, you began gathering your things, and headed down the stairs to begin another attempt in preparing for the winter market.

"Where is he, human ? We saw young master come this way, don't bother lying."

"I said I have no idea who you're talkin' about! Get the hell away from my face you brute!!"

You winced at the familiar volume of the first voice. Brute, as Epel put it, couldn't be more correct, as you remembered his forceful hands snatching the book from your grasp.

"Sebek there's a better way to handle this…" a third exasperated voice you didn't recognize added.

In trained movements, you slowly crept towards the entrance of the dorm, hoping with all your might that you could avoid whatever situation was going on. Truly, you did not know and you did not care.

"Cease your lies human! There's no living being that hasn't been graced with the name of the Great Malleus Draconia!!"

Your nimble hands creaking the door open stopped at that name. Malleus? Young master? So he was the one he stole my book for.

A thought flashed through your head.

Then could he have been the one who put that note in that book ?

The second that thought was finished, you felt a tightness in your throat. You pushed it down with the incomprehension of that being true. In this moment, where you were swiftly reminded of his status, not only being the heir to the throne, but as someone who was etched in the memories of thousands, even millions of people. Someone who is and will forever be remembered, and exist outside of his life and death. You were just a dismembered pile of hands, feet, hair, and innards mangled and stitched together to be stuffed into an artificial skin vaguely resembling something living. You would stop existing if someone did not look at you. Despite Malleus' kind eyes which filled your body with a bubbly warmth, you knew your "body" would just turn cold again when you looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the face casted over your flesh. It was impossible to love something without a face.

The searing warmth you felt at your fingertips that thawed your frigid veins disappeared, as you shrouded your body head to toe with a chill numbness you were used to pouring over your head like ice water.

"YOU."

Your shoulders jumped slightly at Sebek's pointed glare. However, the sharp ice that numbed your nerves suspended your expression into a dull look. "Yes?"

"You again, human. Perhaps you would like to enlighten us with the whereabouts of the young master since you're always trailing behind him like a stray dog?"

You almost let out a huff of amusement at that name, what a stupid coincidence, you thought, feeling a sense of painful familiarity. Yes, if anything the skin you wore was handcrafted by your mother to be a dog, rather than some crude image of a human. You mused the other faces your mother lovingly sewed into your flesh. A doll? A robot perhaps? Really, the futility that was imbued into your flesh the moment you were conceived was truly laughable . You pictured in your mind with bitterness, Spolia, once more.

" Enough , Sebek."

You recognized the deep rumble of the voice that came behind you. Malleus stood with a stony expression pointed at Sebek.

"Y-young master!"

"Young master."

The two Diasmonia students crowding Epel quickly swiveled around, sharpening their posture with a snap of their feet. Malleus held his hand to dismiss their formality in front of you and Epel, before turning towards you two with a sorry expression.

"I apologize for Sebek's attitude. I came to the Pomefiore dorm to look for you, but it seems I alarmed these two in the process. Really, they mean no harm."

Hot crimson spread across Sebek's face that made you a little concerned if he was going to stop breathing or start crying. The man with silver hair right next to him merely stood with a steady look, unaffected by the scolding of his partner. You shook your head, grabbing your supplies to escape his situation with or without Malleus, because numbness was beginning to prick at your chest, despite your best efforts in shoving that feeling far far down in your tingling stomach.

"It's okay. They seem like good guardsmen, you being heir to the throne and all. I'm sure they were just doing their jobs." You successfully balanced everything into your hands. "Is there anything you needed?"

Malleus lips sung a sweet laugh at the sight of your balance act. You pouted a bit when he began taking the canvases out of his hands.

"Young master I'll‒" Sebek jumped to take everything from his hands, but was promptly stopped the silver haired man. "Let's go Sebek. Excuse us for the intrusion, young master. We’ll be off now." He dragged the other man, who was huffing and puffing in objection.

“I wanted to ask you about that winter festival. I was wondering if you were going to be setting up another gallery.”

"Oh. Well, we are, but are you sure I'm not pulling you away from more important matters?" You asked, looking questionably toward the frustrated sputtering being yanked out the door.

"I was the one to seek you out, child of man. And further," He paused, flashing you a golden warmth through his viridian eyes. “You are an important matter to me.”

You felt like you were being swallowed by the light of his eyes. Eyes which did not pick apart your body nor instill a primal desire for you to extinguish your blazing heart with chilled detachment. Eyes that devoured you as a whole. If you could, you would crawl into those viridian hues of his and let him ravage your heart and sinew. But the blood that pumped throughout your body felt like poison. So, you lulled your gaze at the ground.

“I…you are that to me too. Important.” The dizziness from pulling your gaze away from Malleus’ own scrambled your words. “I was going to drop some of this stuff off in the classroom for easy transportation. Maybe I can give you a sneak peak of the pieces, ha ha.”

You two chatted about simple manners, like the pranks Lilia was up to nowadays, the phenomenal nap you just had, or your latest findings in research. During the walk towards the main college building your chest felt lighter, thawing the icy numbness still faintly at the tips of your fingers beside his warmth.

Find me, find me, find me.

Malleus peered at your expression. The sunset that swirled in your eyes, painted within it a portrait of ghostly longing and suffocating distance that he had sometimes traced back to you through a thin thread. It drew him closer in an understanding more deep that he could put into words. His hand twitched, resisting the urge to cradle your face in his hands, drinking in the colors rippling through your gaze and the warmth from the blood that bellowed under tender flesh.

I wish to find you.

You dumped your things on the table before taking your canvases from Malleus’ hands. “You can look through some of those pieces in that organizer if you want.” You gesture towards a tall shelf with various mediums filling the narrow compartments.”Just don’t tell any of my members” you said with a shrug, opening a cabinet and carefully filling your drawer with the vials of paint.

Your vision was stained a deep magenta, signaling that the sun was almost down. A cool, nighttime walk was just what you needed today after the day you’ve had. Soon, the magnificent moon began to peek her face in early through the vibrant sky.

“Are any of your paintings here, child of man?” Malleus looked intently each work, examining it with a careful gaze.

“Ah, no. Apart from the ones I brought today, I sold most of the ones I kept here during the cultural festival. The rest are in my room. It’s a mess right now.” You let out an airy laugh, closing the drawer full of glass containers as delicately as possible.

Malleus hummed in response. “I was hoping to see your paintings someday soon. It’s a shame most of you art club members don’t sign their work.”

“Ah, some of us do. But it's up to personal preference, really. But for some artists, you can recognize their styles with just one glance." You explained. "We artists etch our souls, thoughts, and prayers into each of our creations‒ they’re all laced together with a similar love. Maybe that’s why it’s easy to identify some artists, because we’re essentially just identifying a face.”

Malleus continued his attentive inspection of the canvases. “You artists are such romantic creatures. But that’s certainly a beautiful thing.” He chuckled. “But, prayers? What do you mean by that?”

Warmth spread through your cheeks, bristling the tiny hairs on your face. You attempted to hide it, leaning against a table and letting your hair cascade down your eyes. “Yeah. A prayer. Like the same way we pray to a god, artists pray to the world to be understood, to be heard, to be seen.” You brushed the parchment in your pocket. “To be found.”

The moon shined through the large classroom windows, illuminating the classroom in a dazzling cobalt blue.

“To be found.” Malleus repeated, voice so far it scraped against his throat, creating a dry rumble that echoed through your spine.

I wish to find you.

“Yeah. To be found.” You echoed back.

Find me, find me, find me.

“Malleus?” You tested his name on your tongue, enjoying the mulled warmth that spread with it.

He slipped his body next to yours. “Yes, (name)?”

“Do you ever look at the moon, and feel suffocated? Like, it’s just too bright and too beautiful and you feel a sense of…greed?” You really weren’t sure why you were rambling. You thought to stop, but you couldn’t. “…Or maybe longing is the right word. Like there’s this deep desire inside of you and no matter how beautiful the moon is, nothing can satisfy it.”

He paused, drinking in the feeling of your body expanding and contracting at each breath, feeding the blood that pumped warmth throughout your body. He was careful to keep his steady breaths as your arms touched leaning against one another, holding his fluttering heart in the muscles lining his stomach.

“Yes. Yes, I…it’s like a prayer, like you said. But one which spans eternity.” There were no words in any language enough to tell you that he understood that feeling more than anything in the world. During his lonely walks before, he would often gaze into the moon, yearning for warmth the share that feeling of hunger with.

You let out an airy laugh. “Sorry. I brought the mood down. But, the moon really is beautiful.”

“It truly is.”

The both of you exchanged warmth, feeling eachother’s breath through the gentle waves your shoulders made, side by side. Binding your own hands into one, you prayed in your heart.

Find me, find me, find me.

And for the first time, the slight ache that formed knots in your stomach when you pleaded the same phrase over and over again all those nights before, didn’t come. You simply melted into Malleus’ heat, reflecting the beauty of the moon into your eyes with little hurt.

————————————

The morning of the winter market was something you simultaneously dreaded and anticipated. Though on one hand, you were both nervous and excited to finally give a response to the letter always tucked in your pocket, the winter market also meant winter break‒ which is when you were dragged back home by your mother to your family's liar. However, you focused on the positives for the time being. The exhibition was coming along nicely especially as you decided to entrust a majority of the planning to the underclassmen, you felt more energized after you stopped taking your mother's medicine, and the winter market overall had been going according to plan. You were even able to do something a little new this year, setting up a stall selling clothes, trinkets, and furniture donated by students and staff. Crewel praised your work, saying something about a perfect opportunity to get rid of outdated pieces in his collection. You hummed as you organized the clothes by color.

"Mx.D’aramitz. How is it coming along?”

You jumped slightly at that voice, swiveling your head to see Professor Trein, a pile of books in hand.

“Oh! Professor Trein. It’s coming along well, actually! Are those for donation?”

Trein nodded. “Yes, but I wanted to see if you'd take any of these books before I gave them away. They’re from my undergraduate days, and they’ve just been collecting dust over the years. There should be some art history books actually, I remember taking that as an elective with my wife…”

You felt a smile curl onto your lips. “Thank you professor! These books are normally so expensive…”As Trein set down the books onto the counter, you crooked your neck to peer at the spines. Pulling out a couple of books that caught your interest, you looked up at Trein, quietly asking for approval.

“Take as many as you would like Mx.D’aramitz, please. They’ll just collect dust in my office back home.” He quipped with a smile. You thanked him several times more, inspecting each cover with curious eyes.

“Are you going back home for winter break, Mx.D’aramitz?” Your gut clenched at that question.

“Ah…yes. I am.” There was nothing else to decorate your words with. You were being dragged back to that house without a doubt, and there was nothing in that statement but quick, sterile fact. The quiet concern swimming in Trein’s eyes elicited a further response. “Back to the shaftlands, back at my family’s company. The work never stops…” you let out a nervous laugh.

“Your family’s company? Not your home?.” Home? That was a foreign word to you. What was home supposed to feel like?

“Well, my parents mostly keep me at the company to manage things…" They don’t allow me much in that house unless to lure in unsuspecting businessmen.

"Do your parents keep you there that often?"

"No, it's not that…I…" your breath quickened as you fixed your vision to the ground, squeezing your hands and feet in hopes of ridding the tension. "I'm sorry. I-I don't know. I just‒ don't have the words right now." You gasped out.

A hand was felt on your trembling shoulder. "It's alright. As your teacher, I just worry about your safety. Especially after…” Trein trailed off, sparing you from having to hear how utterly pitiful you must have looked next to your brooding mother. Deep shame was renewed in your chest once more, helping the carnivorous pit of emptiness carve out the hole inside you. You let the heavy waves of oxygen ripple throughout your body to placate the aching wound. Looking back at Trein with practiced lightness in your eyes, you embellished your face with a polished smile that delivered into your insides a sincere repulsion.

“I’m fine, professor. I appreciate your concern. But I’m fine. There’s nothing going on that you need to worry about.” Your professor’s face stared you down in concern, looking for any morsel of deception in your expression that he could heave out. But, the rehearsed face you adored was impenetrable, fossilized under years of pressure. Even you could not break it.

“…Alright. I suppose if you say so, I must believe you. If there is anything I can help with, do not hesitate to let me know. It is my duty as your teacher to keep you safe and in good health. I will see you sometime soon, Mx.D’aramitz, I look forward to your exhibition.” The unknown tension you were holding in your shoulders melted away at his words as he walked away with a thin smile. You waved with a calculated calmness, before letting out a deep breath out your nose. There was no use dwelling on that, you had much work to do before the market opened in an hour or so.

You checked up on the stalls, making sure everything and everyone was in their place before searching for Crewel to confirm things on his end. When you spot him at the corner of your eye, you noticed you were intruding on a scolding of your Vice Housewarden, covered head to toe in various splotches of colors, laughing. You paced your steps to arrive near Crewel’s side at the end of his lecture, standing awkwardly for a bit for your chance.

“Professor Crewel…”

“ What ??” He swiveled around with a vexed look. Your feet backed up automatically, putting your hands in front of you to show no harm. “Oh! (Name)! Sorry, just scolding some bad puppies to prevent any happenings later on.” He shot a pointed look towards Rook. “Are we starting already?”

You nodded. “Yes, in about five minutes actually. I just wanted to check on your end before I’m headed for my stall during the first few hours.”

“Ah, I wish some of these puppies had the same foresight to plan like you sweet (Name). Were you able to check on the exhibition?”

A curse almost left your lips, but you covered it with an exasperated groan. You knew you were forgetting something amidst all of the excitement today. “I…completely forgot. My junior members are managing it with the help of some underclassmen though. I trust them, it should be fine…”

Crewel chuckled a bit at your reaction. “Alright. It seemed to coming together when I passed by it about half an hour ago. We should both get going soon. The market’s about to open in a few.”

“Thank you Professor!” You were already dashing to the direction of your stall. “I’ll see you around later!” Crewel waved at you, before turning back to your Vice Dormleader with suspicious eyes.

————————————

Malleus wasn’t very used to this many students crowding the school grounds during this hour. It made him a bit dizzy, having avoided crowds and people in general due to the students’ perceptions of him, but he tamped that feeling down with his bubbling excitement. A small smile adorned his lips when he remembered his last experience at your art exhibitions, his expectations for a response for his letter rising steadily at the thought of that magnificent painting currently decorating his dorm wall. Lillia, who walked beside him and Silver, noticed his shift in attitude, grinning a bit in response.

“You seem excited for the winter market, Malleus. Any particular reason why?”

“Yes, I agree with Master Lilia, Young Master! Though you are truly radiant everyday, you are absolutely glowing on this fine day!” Sebek beamed.

Silver nodded. “Hm. I agree with Sebek.”

“I’m merely happy that I am once again able to see the art exhibitions (Name) has organized.”

“Eh?! That human??”

“Oh I didn’t know (Name) was in the art club! That’s certainly exciting, I haven’t been to an art gallery in some years…” Lilia quipped.

“(Name) is actually the president.” Malleus delighted. “I acquired that gargoyle piece at an exhibition organized by them during the cultural festival.”

Silver shot an exasperated look at Sebek, who was trailing a little behind them, mumbling to himself. “Your tastes are admirable, young master. That painting was surely exquisite.”

Lilia tapped his chin. “I agree! I wonder if I can find something similar…”

The market was filled with all sorts of colors, smells, and sounds, brought together in harmony with the sound of laughter and happy chatting among the students. Sebek parted the crowd with a towering glare while Silver trailed behind equipped with a stony look, allowing Malleus and Lilia to scour the market stalls for anything that caught their eyes. Trinkets, jewelry, handcrafted accessories, homemade pastries, and aromatic drinks were quickly exchanged for the seemingly endless madol in Malleus’ pockets. He was glad to be supporting your club activities through his monetary support, but he wanted to find you soon to support you in person. He carefully warmed the cup of spiced cider in his hands, scouring for your presence in the endless line of stalls.

“Ah Malleus! You came!” Once your voice sung from the stall across, and he barely paced his lengthy steps to let the rest of his dorm members to keep up.

“Of course, child of man. You invited me.”

“Ah. I guess that’s true. Wow.” You looked at Silver and Sebek, both adorned with bags upon bags of items. “Lots of shopping I see. Find anything in particular you liked?”

Malleus nodded. “Yes. This spiced cider is just divine. Here” he offered the steaming cup in your hands.”, you must try some. It reminds me of the drink my grandmother used to make during my youth.”

You graciously sipped at the warm drink, feeling the spiced aroma hit your nose. “That’s…really good. Thanks. I bet your grandmother makes a mean spiced cider.” Despite the chaos of today and the loud bustling of the market, when you were Malleus, you felt suspended in time and space by his words and his warmth.

He chuckled. “Indeed she does. Hopefully in the future you’ll be able to try some.” The future? You weren’t very certain what that was, and when you tried to imagine it, you couldn’t conjure any recognizable image despite how hard you tried. Just, darkness. You blew into your cup, staring at the swirling specks of spice in the sweet concoction to ease your mind from that.

“Malleus has been talking about you all morning, you know. He’s excited to see your exhibition.” Lilia tittered “We all are.”

You let out a nervous laughter. “Well, go easy on me. As much as I trust my fellow members and their planning, I haven’t had a chance to see it yet. Rushing around this morning and all. Wow.” You emptied the rest of the cup into your stomach. “This is really good. Thanks again Malleus.”

“Of course, child of man. Your kind is susceptible to all sorts of things, after all. Also.” He rummaged through one of the bags on Silver’s shoulders. “This is for you. Perhaps you can attach it to the device I got you, as I have done with my own.” He handed you small paper bag before showing you his tamagotchi, hanging on it a small waxing crescent moon.

You opened the bag to reveal a small metal keychain of a waning gibbous moon, shining in the sunlight. “Oh Malleus, I couldn’t possibly…” Despite your mind’s immediate objections to the previous gift you fiddled in your hands, you couldn’t help but to warm the metal with the temperature you received from the drink Malleus gave you, brushing your hands on the detailed groves of the charm.

“I insist. It’s akin to what your kind calls “friendship bracelets”, is it not?” You dangled the trinket in the light, adoring how it caught the light in the delicate details of the piece.

You let out a laugh through your stomach. “I guess. Either way, thank you. I’ll cherish it.” The keychain looked a bit strange on the plastic device, but you relished in the feeling of having something matching with Malleus. Friend . You clutched that word deep in your heart, securing it away from the poison that no doubt pumped throughout your body.

“What are you selling here anyways?” Lilia interrupted, raising a vial of Lapid Lazuli into the sky.

“Oh! They’re homemade paints I make sometimes. I have a horde of them back in my room, I figured it was time to let go of some of them.”

“They’re exquisite. I’ve never seen such color before. Your talents know no bounds, (name).” Lilia continued to look through all of the colors, carefully inspecting them in the light, Malleus following his actions in awe.

“Ah no, no. I just have a lot of free time to experiment. Some of them are made with rare materials, so I like to make the most of them as I can, give them the treatment they deserve and all. After all, I’m a Pomefiore student. We specialize in potions, this is just an aspect of it.”

“It’s true, (name). Perhaps you’d be able to make a living off of them one day. “

Ah, this feeling again.

“…Haha. That probably won’t be happening. My parents have a future for me in their company. After I graduate I’ll likely be stopping all of this nonsense and getting into real work. “ you parroted the words your mother spat at you when she found out you were trying your hands in creative pursuits. “So I may as well enjoy the time I have here with it.”

Malleus’ eyes twitched ever so slightly. “Your family…will you be going back during break?” He asked with a tentative expression.

“Yeah. How about you?” You deflected the conversation to him.

“We will be returning to Briar Valley, my home. Duty calls, even being a student here does not give me a break from my responsibilities.”

“That’s unfortunate. I hope at least you’ll be able to get some rest before you return.” You got up to stretch the tension in your back. “Well, I shouldn’t keep you guys from seeing the rest of the market. Have fun!”

Malleus gazed into your eyes with a honeyed look. “I hope you see you at the exhibition later?”

“Of course.” You answered with a smile as warm as his eyes.

A few hours passed quickly after that‒ busying yourself with your own stall, as well as going around to supervise the others just in case. It was truly a holiday miracle that nothing had gone dramatically awry. However, you did seem to notice a shift in the air, with the unusual amount of stares trailing a chilling anxiety down from your spine. What was going on? Oh well, you didn’t really have time to think about that, you had more important matters to take care of.

You walked from your stall, entrusting it to one of your club members, who was so kind as to bring you a small pastry from one of the science club booths. Licking the cinnamon apple filling sticking to your fingers, you headed towards the exhibition, which to your surprise, was very lively. With the strange stares you’ve had all day, you self consciously pulled your hood down, looking upwards for Malleus’ tall head. You rustled the letter in your pocket, brushing your hand against the tamagotchi adored in the present Malleus gifted you earlier. The cold metal that was melting at the heat of your palms gave you a little more bravery to walk closer into the crowd waiting to enter.

“Child of man. Here you are.”

“(Name)! You made it.”

The four Diasmonia students stood in their usual positions, completely parting the crowd with their imposing presence.

“Hey! I was just about to enter, did you guys enjoy the rest of the market?” You were glad to find that in their presence, people swerved out of your way too by default.

“Yes, but it was not as nearly as exciting as this. I look forward to seeing the gallery.” Despite his tranquil demeanor, Malleus could barely contain the energy bouncing in his chest that was threatening to explode if he didn’t find the mystery artist once more.

“Sure, I can actually take you guys through a shortcut. Though it does seem strange that the line is so long…” You stood on the tip of your toes, peering at the lengthy line formed at the entrance of the exhibition.

“Lead the way, president.”

You lead the group, snaking through a side entrance of the small building and into a part of the exhibition space. Malleus instantly gravitated towards one of the paintings, equipping a contemplative look as he inspected each piece. You moved through the gallery this way in silence, appreciating the works of your fellow club members before entering a central space in the building. “Weaving Love and Life into Art”, thin cursive announced on the wall.

“Is this a special exhibition?” Malleus asked.

You tipped your head to the side. “I’m not sure. I encouraged the other third years to take lead in the exhibition this year but I certainly don’t remember planning or hearing about this.” You looked at the mass of people gathering near a painting. “But it seems to be a success so I’m not really complaining.”

“President!”

You whipped your head towards the panicked voice. One of your younger members was furiously signaling you over to come, so you excused yourself from the Diasmonia group. You briefly saw them walking towards a huge crowd near the center of the room, and you quickly pushed the seemingly obscure anxiety down in favor of calming down your club member, who was nearly in tears.

“Are you okay? Deep breaths.” You guided them through a practiced ritual until their erratic breathing was slowed enough to speak coherently.

“I-I didn’t mean to…I really didn’t. I’m so sorry President, I didn’t mean to.”

“Hey” you rubbed your hand on their shoulder, ignoring the growing noise from the crowd. “, it’s okay. Have you ever seen me mad? I couldn’t hurt a fly. It’s alright, now, tell me what happened.”

“I…I was in charge of putting up all the signs for the exhibition. And I-I forgot to put the no photos sign so no one knew people weren’t supposed to take photos and…and…” They clutched their phone to their chest.

“It’s okay. It’s no big deal. A few photos is okay. I should have told the club so everyone was on the same page. It’s okay. We can deal with any repercussions later, though I doubt there will be any.”

“No you don’t understand. I violated your privacy…you specifically have asked for your work to be anonymous and…I’m sorry it was supposed to be a surprise, b-but I ruined it all!”

You quirked your eyebrow at that. What could have possibly given your anonymity away? Sure, your name was on the painting but it wasn’t your full name, and it’s not like people knew your face enough. Or you hoped. Swallowing, you asked “Slow down. What surprise?”

“We wanted to do something special before you left for your fourth year, in honor of all you’ve done for us. So we put up a special section in your name…but we swear! It was intended to be a private thing! But now I’ve ruined it all oh great seven…”

“I mean I appreciate the surprise, but what do you…” your eyes slowly drifted onto the phone they were gripping for dear life, then to the growing crowd around the center of the exhibition. At the center of the mob of flashing lights and phones held high to take a photo of the painting, your painting , you saw Malleus’ tall figure parting the center of the crowd, before stopping and staring at the painting.

Fuck.

You wished for the floor to swallow you whole at this moment, instead, you pulled your hood into yourself, hoping the shadow casted onto your eyes would just consume your body whole like the void in that room. When your ears forcefully adjusted to the chattering going on in the mass, your blood froze.

“Hey they kind of look like that ambassador model representing the D’aramitz products, don’t you think?”

“Yeah! Look at this, someone is already making conspiracies about it!”

Fuck.

Malleus felt like his body was being devoured by the painting, sinking into eternal depths of the boundless, cosmic black, and the golden glow of the hands held together in prayer at the center of the painting. Several more hands of a similar magnificence emerged from the prayer hands, either delicately lacing their hands together in a silent mantra, or surging outwards with a paintbrush in hand. His feet dragged as his chest was pulled towards the painting with an aching pinch at his heart, swallowing in the world of colors hidden in the golden warmth of the hands. Behind them, in a whispered movement, were hands that gently held out their palms towards the ones that flattened the flesh of their palms against each other. Like a delicious melody, the appendages melted against one another, simultaneously becoming each other and making eachother whole‒ and Malleus drank in that honeyed warmth with every nerve on his skin, absorbing it deep in his flesh and bones to etch into his hungry body. When his chest was merely centimeters away from the rough canvas, he gulped down the desire to press his body against the infinite black to be dissolved into the open hands, and instead noticing pretty cursive that made his chest almost collapse from the air he gulped into his lungs.

Find me. ‒ (Name)

This was infinitely worse than you could have imagined your confession for the stranger who left the letter for you to go. Out of all of the anxiety induced scenarios that had mulled in your brain every night, this was utterly out of your mind's comprehension. The blood on your body began to drop to your trembling legs, despite your nearly exploding heart pumping blood into your body with a vigor you’ve never felt before, numbing your body with an icy burn. The surrounding sound began to muffle and tightly constrict around your temples, disorienting you in its off putting bellowing echo that rang through your skull. Your eyes sluggishly drawled its gaze from the ground, rising to Malleus’ gaze that pierced through your body, pulling at your gaze with such intensity that it momentarily created absolute silence in your roaring senses. You felt your feet stutter backwards, the rest of your body moving automatically with it. Run , it told you.

Never had your body moved so quickly. The blood that had previously prickled your fingers surged throughout your arms and legs like boiling heat‒ commanding each muscle in your leg to run run run. You squeezed your eyes shut, in a pathetic attempt to hide from the reality that your body was running like it had never before away from kind eyes and that warmth that would cradle you with such gentleness it burned into your body a loving suffocation so fresh to your body and mind.

Find me, find me, find me.

That mantra that previously swayed you back to normalcy now seared the back of your throat. If you could somehow put your feelings into words, it would be no more than an infant's wail‒ kicking and screaming to go back go back go back, hold me touch me, love me, gods, love me please , no no no give it back to me please. You wanted to feel rage like the sun burning a hole in the sky, rage that split the tendons and flesh in your heart with your bare hands. You wanted to carve out a gaping hole in your body‒ opening it like the gates of blazing hell and reaching inside blood and sinew to drag out something deeper, deeper, and deeper‒ and ensure it's extinction tonight. But no matter the hunger hammering at every nerve of your body‒ you could not swallow that fire and ash at the tip of your tongue, enough for it to let it burn your insides so delectably and cauterize the festering wound within. So, you crawled on the floor like an infant child, cramming your grown body into a small, dark womb, praying that when you were born again, you could have the courage to swallow fire. The darkness cradled you fondly in its arms, opening its mouth to devour.

————————————

Notes:

Anyway reader feels so bad about lying they throw up lmaoo I’m a nervous vomiter I understand but I love lying :) teehee

Also lol kind of accidentally painted Vil/dorm leaders as a RA?? Kinda funny though I imagine this is actually part of their duties at least to an extent

And shared bathrooms??? I think only the dorm leader/vice dorm leader would have their own private bathrooms tbh. Otherwise I think they have a bathroom between every two dorms. There's my Pomefiore bathroom analysis lol

There’s a phrase in my native tongue by Natsume Souseki that translates to “The moon is beautiful tonight”. My culture uses language to measure distance with each other, so outright saying “I love you” isn’t really a thing here. So it was invented to share love as much as our language allows, and I think it shows that you’re not necessarily trying to get rid of the distance that will forever be a part of “knowing” people, but reaching a hand out far enough to express your love. The moon truly is a beautiful motif. I love that bitch so much.

The whole thing about being unable to “break faces” is a reference to autistic masking‒ personally I find it hard under years and years of using masking as a survival mechanism, to unmask. Not even sure I would recognize my face if I could. Also sort of inspired by Confession of a Mask by Mishima Yukio but mostly my experiences

Like I mentioned in the end notes of the last chapter, the motif of hands/Praying Hands would be included in this chapter. The painting I described is based off of Mori's Buddhist hand painting from Blue Period (so good please read/watch). Except I added in the detail about the open palms based on when Malleus offers you a hand and asks if you trust him, because I thought that illustrating that the prayers were being answered via the open palms was an important bit to express. Also didn’t want to outright copy Blue Period lol

“Opening it like the gates of blazing hell” = reference to Mitski’s “Stay Soft” (“Open up your heart like the gates of hell”)

Kinda stole the last part from The Bell Jar, with the whole womb imagery and all. I hope death is as warm and enveloping as a womb

More angst to come >:) prepare to be obliterated

[moreespressoformydepresso]

Call me controversial, but I don’t think people like Kaminari and dislike or hate Mineta because of their respective looks. Although I acknowledge it’s probably a factor, I personally don’t think it’s the main reason. I might be wrong, but I think I at least have some ground to stand on because I’m a person who, when getting into a new piece of media, picks their favorites by which character they think is the prettiest until they figure out personalities and change or keep favorites based on their actual character/arc/story/etc.

Now, Kaminari is definitely attractive, and there are definitely people who give him a pass for the more… questionable things he’s done (yes, as a Kami fan I too would rather forget the whole cheerleader outfits thing), I think it would be a bit shortsighted to say that that’s the only reason. Personally, I’m of the belief that a lot of people would have still preferred Kaminari over Mineta even if Mineta was a hunk and Kaminari was ugly.

Again, looks do matter somewhat, but given the popularity of characters like Usopp from One Piece I feel safe in saying that it’s not the deciding factor for a lot of anime fans. Now, to finally get to what I believe is the main reason for why Kaminari is so loved and Mineta isn’t: personality. Or, more specifically, the depth of their personality. I’ll try my best to contrast the two of them and explain why I believe this, because I’m passionate about analysis and you can’t stop me. Feel free to correct or add to anything I write in the comment section, I’d love to hear your thoughts! So, first things first, what exactly are their core personalities?

When I think of Kaminari, I think of someone who’s friendly and outgoing, an energetic goofball with a good heart who’s generally someone you want to be around. Sometimes he’s a bit reckless and he can be a bit dumb, sometimes he’s petty, but in the end you can all laugh about it. Yes, like a lot of teenage boys, he likes girls. And sometimes, in that appreciation of women, he goes a tad too far but it’s nothing too extreme.

When I think of Mineta, however, I mostly think about his over-the-top obsession with girls. His motivation to become a hero is literally to get girls to like him. The second thing I think of is his cowardice and how annoying I find it when he starts crying in tough situations. I understand it, but I’m not the one trying to become a hero. Also, Mineta criticizes others for being perverts in situations that end up being misunderstandings while he himself does some objectively fucked up shit in the name of horny. Despite this, he’s shown to have courage and aptitude when it matters most, and given his scores he seems to be pretty smart.

The main difference between the two, I think, is how they are most commonly seen in the manga and show. There are plenty of instances where we see Kaminari’s good personality traits, whereas most of Mineta’s screen-time is devoted to an extended pervert-joke. Sure, he has redeeming qualities, but even on the rare occasions these are shown there’s usually some pervertedness involved in one way or another. And ultimately, I think that’s the biggest reason people prefer Kaminari. Not only does Mineta go a lot further in being pervy that Kaminari, his redeeming qualities are also not only barely shown but also always accompanied by his perverse nature. And that’s why I think people like Kaminari and not Mineta.

This concludes my newest bit of word-vomit, this time on why I believe two characters who some see as similar are regarded so differently and evoke such different reactions from people, thank you for coming to my Ted-Talk

[kokitschi]

1. i love your blog sm kokichi is my favourite character (mayyyybe besides tsumugi but if so he's a CLOSE second. maybe even on par.) and your enthusiasm makes my WHOLE day i love it so much

2. (if you don't mind me responding to your post in ask format. if not feel free to ignore lol) I don't think what Kokichi suffers from enough to cause his death is self-hatred. I think it's self-apathy, and that messes me up UNIMAGINABLY so i HAVE to get it off my chest.

I think the fact that Kokichi is so enthusiastic about so many things (real or fake, he undeniably acts it, and at the very LEAST we know he cares about the death game. and i like to think he just cares about games in general. i think his special interest is chess but that's a headcanon for another post-) and he cares so little about his own life that he'd WILLINGLY do that to himself, for any reason, is absolutely DEVASTATING. I don't think he cares enough about his own life to hate it. He constantly uses himself as just a 'piece' or a 'character' in his own little method of winning (surviving - and helping other people to survive, too) the game (goddamn the chess metaphors at it again 😔), from pretending to be the mastermind, to playing devil's advocate every. single. trial. to lying and covering up evidence during trials, to finally, literally killing himself to get what he wants. He detaches himself so much FROM himself that when the time comes that his death is beneficial, he's like "yeah, seems legit" and just. does it.

(Sidenote: I find it incredibly ironic that everyone sees him as this master manipulator, and the person he manipulates most successfully is himself. Anyway-)

(sorry for the word vomit! your post just got me THINKING and i love character analysis so much AUGH themes and narratives and characters rotating in my head at all times. i cannot not speak about it.)

me rn:

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

-

that is a very good point! personally i've always seen him as rather depressed but he's grown very apathetic - he accepted himself as a bad person who won't change. you're right - he does not care about himself.

i also think that he isn't insecure. i think he knows what he's capable of perfectly well. so he's like "okay, if i don't do this - who will?"

because most of the others are still in conflict with themselves, they're unsure about what to do and that makes them slow to act.

i don't think that kokichis some perfect machine who has completely turned off his emotions, at all, but he's better at it than most.

because, like you said, he's very detached from himself - he's a game piece, he's playing the role of the antagonist. he's just doing what's meant for his role.

i imagine that he still has his conscience screaming at him though.

and i think that kinda bleeds into his actions, almost but not exactly subconsciously if that makes sense.

like, once he's got miu and gonta killed, it's like nooo im totally not acting out because i feel extremely guilty. nooo this kamikaze plan is definitely not a direct result of that. i am simply the antagonist. im evil and crazy and this is what is in character for me. this is simply my curtain call.

-

btw, i must tell you, this part: "He detaches himself so much FROM himself that when the time comes that his death is beneficial, he's like "yeah, seems legit" and just. does it." has got my brain on zoomies. it's like. yeah. that's so so so fucked. i love it

-

BTW hard same on the chess hc and i also like tsumugi a lot!! (though more as a concept)

i dunno how accessible this fic is for non-umineko fans but a fic that encapsulates both of ^these things is this one. one of my faves for sure.

-

never feel sorry about ranting in my asks, posts or whatever! i love reading this stuff!!! (can't promise i'll always answer this fast tho lol)

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Tbh I feel myself being drawn in by your analysis and perspectives on twst rather than your general headcannons and one shots (no criticism on your writing at all btw! Your writing is absolutely lovely and I could go on a rant on how much I love it-which I am now seriously considering) nothing compares to opening up tumblr and getting a huge surge of dopamine when you post a personal thought. The quality and the manner in which you articulate your thoughts so sophisticated and well written, your points just glide right off the page. Even thought I might not necessarily agree with all your points personally, I still feel excited to read up on whatever you post because it’s such a deep dive into a character’s motivations, personal issues, etc. or how a ploy should have functioned that I find myself convinced by the ending of the post and agreeing with you. And even if I have seen a certain point before stated by someone else, hearing you go into your own personal reasons and often going into even more detail than other people i have seen before makes my heart pound out of my chest istg; everytime an new event comes around I immediately start waiting for your thoughts and what you enjoyed and what you think would be improved. You’re such a fantastic writer and I wish I could find the words to give the praise you deserve. ahahaha….i hope that didn’t come off as too intense or fanboyish..

Uwawawawawawawawah… (〃▽〃) Thank you very much, Anon!!!

It’s not every day when I receive such lengthy and detailed feedback for my work, so I really appreciate it!! I actually really like receiving asks like this, as it gives me something substantial and meaningful to chew on, reflect on, and incorporate into my writing as I move forward.

I’m happy that you’re enjoying both my creative writing and my more analytical/theory posts (I’ve been doing more of the latter lately because I’ve been busy with irl things 😅)! Depending on my mood, sometimes I find analysis and theory posts more entertaining to write than creative pieces are.

I’ve always been an advocate for being critical of the media one consumes, and that means sharing thoughts and inviting differing opinions in so that everyone comes out of it with something new. It also means being okay with constructive criticism—realizing that you can love something while also being unhappy with aspects of it and wishing for better. You don’t necessarily need to overanalyze everything to enjoy it, but I find that doing so brings entire new worlds’ worth of meaning to me. Analysis is what I personally choose to do (others may not and just wish to enjoy the franchise casually, which is equally as valid).

I just hope that by mindfully sharing my own thoughts and rambles, I can impart some of that wisdom onto the TWST fandom at large. I want to encourage intellectual discussion about the characters we love and how the lessons TWST teaches us can apply to the real world. I want to open minds to the possibilities that the rich world of Twisted Wonderland has to offer.

I’m always eager for new content 😌 and I’m just as eager to word vomit my thoughts on that new content out. jxhsvsjsbjwns I didn’t realize that people (like you, Anon!) actually looked forward to it; I feel like I mainly make posts on new content for my own records (so I can retroactively look at it later and wonder “what was I thinking back then???”)… but I’m happy that my ramblings were noticed and deemed to have value.

Maybe I really am making a little bit of a change through my writing 😌 Maybe… my words really have reached someone.

What a nice thought~

[silverhallow]

Okay so I’m back with another character analysis discussion ramble - Sophie + PTSD. I’ve seen a lot of us Bridgerton fans talk about Anthony’s… mental state & Kate’s insecurities. I also know that you like to explore Benedict’s confidence issues & have touched on Sophie’s PTSD before 🤔 Though, most of what I’ve seen (on Tumblr + generally on AO3) has been AUs/fix-it scenarios where Araminta gets the treatment she deserves & goes to jail.

No criticism to JQ, but I would’ve loved to see more of Sophie’s POV & working through her trauma. How does she deal with those inner voices, triggers & insecurities? 😯 As much as I hate to think about it, did Sophie have a nervous breakdown & how did Benedict manage to not throw hands the first time they met Araminta or Rosamund at a ball or social gathering? How does flashbacks & nightmares affect her, are they more common/worse when they have to visit London? Does she share her night terrors with Benedict or does that “don’t worry about me” kick in often? 😔

Basically, I would have loved a second book just from Sophie’s POV 😅 especially since healing isn’t linear & she suffered for years (#JusticeForSophie) so to finish of this word vomit of a ramble, what’s your thoughts on Sophie’s PTSD? If you try to look into her mind, how does she heal when Araminta & Rosamund are out in society?

*cracks fingers*

Right… we all know how much I love delving into the angst and the pain of Sophie’s past so… I am going to go below the cut as this is gonna get long… and I’m sorry. (not really because you did ask…)

To me, Sophie doesn’t fully heal until she has the chance to present her daughter to the Queen (yes I know as she wasn’t presented technically she can’t, but I have the HC that Benni does a commission for Queen Victoria and she offered him a title, but he declined it, and asked instead that his wife be afforded the chance to present their daughter at court… but that is a whole other story!)

It’s only then when she feels like she is part of the ton.

Depending on the reason for the trip to London depends on how bad Sophie is before they go. If it is just to see family, for a family celebration she is excited and she is happy to go but for anything else she is nervous.

She was worse than Benedict leading up this exhibition but because she didn’t want to stress him anymore she plastered on her brave face and did the whole “don’t worry about me” routine, until a week before when Benedict finds her in the garden having a panic attack.

For the first two years of marriage, Sophie managed to avoid Araminta and Rosamund. Araminta finally married Rosamund off to some Scottish Earl and they left for Scotland, only to realise he was breaking, and they are back in London, without Rosamund’s husband (who FYI has 6 bastards… and Rosamund is literally unable to give him a legitimate child) so their social standing drops but Rosamund uses her husband’s name to get tickets to a big event that is happening in London.

Unbeknown to both parties… it was Benedict’s art exhibit as it was being shown without his name all over it, at his behest. It was only an hour or so in, that it became apparent.

Sophie was an excellent hostess but the moment she saw Rosamund and Araminta she froze. Daphne and Kate offer to throw them out but not wanting to cause a scene, Sophie wanting to bask in her husband’s glory, ignores them, until Rosamund makes her way to her.

It isn’t outwardly nasty, Rosamund would never publicly embarrass herself but when Benedict sees Sophie practically cornered, he makes a big speech about how much he loves his wife and how this wasn’t possible without her and Rosamund sulks off. (this happens to be the night of little Alex being conceived!)

Next time she sees them both, she is pregnant and she’s a little less calm about it all and may or may not have made some snide comments to Rosamund which LW praises in that week’s column, mainly because Rosamund stalked off with Araminta.

Benedict knows how much Sophie wanted to have her own season, so he does try to take her to London for a spell, they either go right at the start of the season or right at the end. They avoid some of the more particular London Mama’s but after Benedict’s first piece of art goes into the national gallery more and more people call on Sophie when she is in London, wanting to see the woman that inspired the artist and try and beg her to get her husband to do a portrait or a piece for them.

It gives Sophie great pleasure in turning them away.

But her night terrors, my sweet baby girl… Oh they plague her, they’re worse when she is pregnant, but she suffers. Sometimes there out of nowhere and she can go weeks, even months without having one and they creep up at the worst times. The week of her anniversary is always bad because of the memories of Jail.

She never used to share them with him but when he woke up one night after Charlie was born and found her sat on the floor of Charlie’s nursey sobbing and clutching their 2-month-old son like a lifeline she caved and told him.

There are so many little angsty fics I could write about this… and Sophie coping and Benedict holding her, and the boys as they get older cuddling up with their Mama when she’s having a bad day. Charlie is a protective older brother and older son but Alex… Alex ends up in the same year at Eton as one of Phillip Cavender’s son’s…

Needless to say, when the school write’s to Benedict to tell him of his son’s antics and Benedict finds out who his son was fighting and why… Phillip Cavender Jnr is no longer admitted to the school, given that the Viscount, the Duke of Hastings, Sir Phillip Crane and TWO Mr Bridgerton’s turn up at the school and basically say, they will be removing their children and no further Bridgerton’s will be allowed to attend if Cavender remains…

It is not Benedict who drives Phillip Cavender out of London the first time around either… it’s not even Anthony… it’s the Duchess and the Viscountess…

Sophie’s healing comes with time, the love of her family and as the whispers die down. It’s obvious from the off that Benedict adores and loves his wife… but by the time Sophie is pregnant with Violet, Sophie is confident in herself, with her family and is relaxed in society. Yes she still has wobbles and nightmares but her son’s or her husband hug her and tell her they love her.

Kate and Daphne have thrown enough shade at some of the women in Society that no one dares speak bad of Mrs Bridgerton and everyone starts to realise that there is more to her than meets the eye.

Sophie deals with her terrors and her wobbles as best as she can. She tries to keep herself busy, when she is at My Cottage, everyone knows to let her in the kitchen when she needs to take her mind of things. Sophie bakes when she is anxious and it doesn’t take Benedict long to work that out, but as she uses to the baking and gifts it to their tenants and goes off on visits and meets with their neighbours and the people who love and adore her… he just sighs and lets her.

He holds her close when they go to bed and whispers that he loves her, he tries not to coddle her, to try and fix it. Mainly because he fears for his life after one outrage when he tried to tell her that she was being silly.

(She’d locked herself in her study for three hours)

Benedict starts to learn of the signs when she is getting nervous or when she’s had a bad night or a bad dream. He is a ridiculously sound sleeper, so he misses most of it but when he does wake, he holds her and lets her cry. He tries to distract her when it’s coming on and usually to help her prepare they plan their trips to London in advance. They rarely go without warning. The family try to give warning so that it doesn’t stress Sophie out.

Violet knows when Lady P is in London and when she is not… and Anthony did manage to have a word with the landlord and had Lady P evicted.

Posy is the best comfort for Sophie, she understands what Sophie went through and its only after Posy made peace with her mother that Sophie seemed to be able to make some peace and found herself able to pass Araminta in London without cowering and kept her head held high.

Rosamund rarely comes into London after the death of her husband, the property in Scotland was entailed away to cousin’s, she ended up being caught trying to seduce a happily married man, at his wife’s birthday party…

Araminta’s standing is less and less, turns out… definitely should have been nicer to her other daughter and stepdaughter.

Sophie still has her wobbles (the night before Violet’s presentation she is horrendous and she’s not allowed in the Bridgerton House kitchen…) but it’s after the birth of Violet, and her nearly dying, and nearly losing her baby girl that she realises, her life is perfect, it was worth the fight and she is finally able to put her past behind her… mostly.

I’ve got SO many angsty fics I could write for all of this it’s unreal

[frevandrest]

Everything Wrong with Saint-Just's Introductory Scene in La Révolution française (1989)

As promised, here is an analysis of Saint-Just’s first scene from La Révolution française (1989). You can watch the scene (with English subtitles) here. It sadly misses the dramatic entrance part, but everything else is there. SPOILER: This analysis will not, in fact, cover everything wrong because there’s so much trash you can’t adequately address it in only 1000 words. 

In the scene, we see a young man with that hair rushing down the steps of the Convention (in what will be his signature dramatic! style). He pushes people way without even looking at them. There is someone at the rostrum, and many people wait to address the Convention. Saint-Just doesn’t give a fuck. “I demand to speak.” Some deputies murmur a weak protest, but they are shit out of luck because it’s time to introduce a new character, and we need to know what a jerk he is. So of course he’s granted the word. 

At first, nobody pays attention, but “just like you, I would die for this Republic”, seems to work. He delivers the speech (which contains maybe two lines from the actual one), and by the end, Marat claps, the Convention claps, Danton and Girondins are suspicious; Robespierre is in love. Camille, oh Camille, does he know he’s just been replaced? Saint-Just pouts slightly (my interpretation) but doesn’t show much emotion. Next scene: Louis receives news that he’s being put on trial. Good job, new boy. 

As first scenes go, this is a good introduction to Saint-Just as depicted in the film. But it’s also very wrong for SJ as a historical personality (what we know of him). Which sucks, because it’s not like it’s impossible to make an unsympathetic yet historically accurate SJ, if one wants to go that route. See, Saint-Just in La Révolution française is a prop; he’s not a character with his own complexities, goals or motivations. He is just there to be pretty and evil, and to take Robespierre away from Camille.

So, why is this introduction wrong? 

Let us remember that this was Saint-Just’s very first speech at the Convention. He got elected days after his 25th birthday; he was the youngest out there. Also, even with Robespierre’s support (that some claim he already enjoyed), he was an unknown; a peasant provincial from Picardie barely out of his adolescence. He wanted to prove himself and demonstrate that he was a worthy representative. Being rude and pushing people away is not really a good way to achieve that. 

Here’s the thing about Saint-Just: despite all stereotypes of the contrary, he respected authority. However, he only respected authority that he felt deserved to be respected. In 1792, “monarchy” was not it. But National Convention? Revolutionary government? Of course he respected it. He fought so much to get there, and he respected the place he was given. 

Throwing his weight around, pushing people away, demanding to speak when someone else is at the rostrum, disobeying order... It was really not Saint-Just. He hated commotion and fights that happened so often at the Jacobin club. Even on 9 Thermidor, when Tallien interrupted him and shit hit the fan, he continued to attempt to deliver the speech. They pushed him, and he kept trying to speak, without, I don’t know, punching someone in the face (La Révolution française Saint-Just totally would, which is, admittedly, one of the many, many many reasons why it sucks that they shortened and condensed Thermidor). 

The film uses “blame Saint-Just for Robespierre’s turn to darkness” approach. SJ is there to encourage Robespierre into cruelty and cold violence, and, if Robespierre starts to doubt even for a moment, to reassure him that yes, this is how things should be done, you are right Max, let’s kill them all, but particularly Camille; I can’t stand that guy for having you first  ridiculing my poetry (wait... SJ’s poetry wasn’t in the film. Why does he hate Camille, again?) Who knows. The only explanation the film provides is that Camille is Good and Saint-Just is Evil, so of course he’d want to get rid of him. 

Now, let us see about the speech itself.

The Speech

The speech Saint-Just delivers in the film contains maybe a few lines from the actual speech (notably: “this man should reign, or die”). I don’t have a problem with them not replicating the speech word for word because it followed on what other deputies talked about (which we didn’t hear)*, and because nobody has time for Antoine’s ramblings about antiquity. (And it would take around 10 minutes to act, which would probably provide us with more glorious shots of Robespierre falling in love being impressed, but it would take too much of the running time. I get that.)

So, in theory, I am fine with shortening the speech and paraphrasing, as long as the meaning and content is there. Which... it did on a surface level while also missing the point substantially.  

*Not showing SJ addressing what others said before him was understandable (condensing runtime), but it’s another thing that made it seem like he didn’t listen nor paid attention what others were doing. Also, it’s a missed opportunity to characterize him as a jerk full of himself, since his real speech basically opened with: “all that the previous guy said is bullshit, and here’s why”. 

Speech in the film: I would die for the Republic and I would fight the enemies of the Republic. We all know the name of the enemy, and I, like none here, am ready to fight against this enemy. Louis is a symbol of traitors among us. We should not hesitate; the king is an usurper. 

In short, speech in the film is, kind of, less about Louis and more about what SJ will be important later: his own sense of revolutionary righteousness and for weeding out “traitors” from the Convention. 

Another issue with the speech is that it wasn’t just about the speech - it was part of Saint-Just’s introductory scene, so we had to learn about his character through the speech. In the film, SJ is rude, cruel and cares only about... well, we are not sure, because there are no motivations whatsoever, but he is there to push Max when something bad needs to be done. I feel that his rudeness during the introductory scene and the way the speech was delivered fulfil this purpose nicely. However, I am not sure that we actually understand what Saint-Just’s speech was about, except vague “we must kill the king” vibe. 

The Aftermath

The scene following Saint-Just’s speech is that of Louis, a doting father, reading a book to his son. Men come and rudely tell him to send the child away. He is to be put on trial. The implication? Saint-Just’s speech won the crowd over and they decided to kill Louis, or at least put him on trial. 

In reality, while Saint-Just’s speech was highly noticed (his real-life dramatic entrance into Convention), the deputies did NOT listen to him. The whole point of the speech was that Louis should not be put on trial - trials are for the citizens, which he is not. Louis’ crime is not treason - the monarchy is a crime in itself. Saint-Just argued against the trial. Yes, his speech was highly influential but presenting it in this way puts way too much weight on this newcomer’s words and implies he was the key factor behind the trial.  

Other Observations

- There is a long debate among historians whether Robespierre was present for Saint-Just’s first speech on 13 November 1792. (I think the conclusion is “probably not”.) But I don’t mind this change, if nothing else, for those glorious shots of Robespierre’s heart eyes and Camille’s “wtf did this guy come from and why is Max looking at him like that?”

- Marat. It is true that he generally praised Saint-Just as an orator, but he disagreed with this speech (Marat was for trial). 

- The reason why this post is dedicated to SJ’s first scene is because I was asked/challenged to write about it. It doesn’t mean that his other scenes were any better (I’d say they were worse). In fact, the entire SJ’s character was a Thermidorized mess. 

- That being said, I don’t hate this SJ. I cannot; LRF was my introduction to the whole Frev thing and will always have a special place. Christopher Thompson was ok, particularly in some aspects of SJ. However, the whole thing was a mess and it should be criticized. 

- Hair. I promised to dedicate one full paragraph to SJ’s hair, but I... can’t. I simply cannot. I am sorry. I tried, but the words failed me. 

- This was more fun that it should have been and there are so many things I didn’t get to say (the entire performance and what this scene means for SJ as a character in the film, a more detailed analysis of the speech and comparison with the real one, etc.) But it did show that I can still vomit write 1000+ words about anything that I have any interest in, which is... good to know, I guess? (Let’s just say that I won’t be winning any SJ contest prizes for laconicism). 

[im-still-watching-anime]

warning: this post is just me ranting about the writing of the naruto women for far too long

i honestly feel that one of the most frustrating/vaguely hilarious aspects of naruto is how naruto ended up being - and bear with me here - the best example of the extremely specific female archtype that kishimoto seemed to be obsessed with. 

like when you focus on sakura and hinata - arguably the most important female characters in the show as the two male leads’ respective end game love interests - you can break them both down into the same general mold:

- both devoted to the same boy their entire lives

- both are shown chasing after their crush in order to stand on “equal” footing (i.e. sakura’s “i finally caught up to them” and hinata’s “no longer chasing but standing by your side” mentalities)

- both suffer and try to overcome feelings of inferiority in their respective character arcs

and i want to be clear that while female characters who fit this mold aren’t usually my favorite thing it can definitely still work when written carefully and written well -  to be blunt i personally think both hinata and sakura are awesome character concepts and both had SO MUCH potential and i love their fanon interpretations but i feel that canonically they were poorly written, underdeveloped, and flat characters

most of their canonical character motivations revolve around their love interests - which really sucks because i would have KILLED for a deeper look at everything involving hinata and the hyuuga or even more about sakura’s development of her medical ninjustsu so much got skipped when it came to them which definitely didn’t help anything - that aside this is especially true in og naruto though to be fair - sasuke was still in konoha in og naruto and team seven was together for most episodes which made it especially prevalent in sakura’s case

the point is by the time shippuden came around it was extremely obvious that efforts were being made to improve the female characters - sakura now had much higher combat ability from the start of shippuden and, though she gets much less focus hinata is repeatedly shown doing brave acts and pushing herself to become stronger. and while i really loved the effort and it was definitely an improvement from especially sakura’s original character - it still fell flat to me.

sakura’s fight with sasori was perfect and a great way to revive her character but then she was pretty stagnant in a lot of the following arcs - i.e. injured in the reunion arc, not very important during the two saviors arc, her weird fake love confession during the assembly of the five kage arc, etc. - she constantly bounces between “now i’m strong” and “i still don’t measure up” making her character development - especially pre-war - virtually nonexistent because every step forward gets followed by a step back.

hinata is a bit more difficult simply because she’s such a minor character for so much of shippuden which is insane since she’s literally the protagonist’s future wife. regardless, looking at hinata’s big moments: her fight with neji in og naruto, blocking naruto from pain in shippuden, and the Smack during the war (there’s a few i’m missing i’m sure but those are really what constitutes her biggest moments to me during the meat of shippuden’s actual development phase - not the post war resolution phase) two of three of these moments precede her getting very heavily and soundly beaten which personally irks me - even if i don’t particularly like it i can see why and it makes sense to me she didn’t win the fight with neji or her pain confrontation and it definitely shows that she is brave and emphasizes the all-important devotion to her love interest aspect of her character BUT it’s also a little obnoxious that we never get to see her be REALLY victorious in her major moments.

so to sum up so far: sakura and hinata are both meant to be perceived as innovative and strong female characters but this perception doesn’t work in sakura’s case because she immediately repeatedly reverts back to the damsel in distress archtype and it doesn’t work in hinata’s case because the few strong moments she has are highlighted by failure.

and also the all important point that the majority of their “strong moments” are driven by their love interests - not a bad motivation except for the fact that that is one of their ONLY motivations

to the main point i’m trying to make: lets compare naruto (obviously take this with the understanding that naruto has a MAJOR advantage of having way more screen time and development as the titular character)

in regards to sasuke, naruto:

- is extremely devoted

- repeatedly chases after sasuke to match-up with him and improve

- and, especially in og, struggles with feeling inferior to sasuke

the context is a little different and the motivation behind some of the points changes between the two but it’s the exact same mold as sakura and hinata

the major difference between the two and the main reason that so many more people get frustrated with sakura’s devotion to sasuke and not naruto’s really boils down to development

sakura barely had her own character outside of loving sasuke and when she did, it immediately got downplayed in some way - just look at the war arc and her triumphant “i finally caught up to them” right before both sasuke and naruto essentially gain godlike powers, she then spends the war constantly distracted by sasuke even when fighting “sasuke isn’t worried about me at all” which really downplays her role.

on the flip side, even with his main goal of bringing sasuke back to the village, naruto has tons of motivation and character building outside of sasuke - ex. becoming hokage, gaining everyone’s acceptance, fixing konoha, living up to his parents/jiraiya’s expectations, bringing peace, protecting everyone he can, freeing the tailed beasts, etc. etc. you could go on forever the show is named after him after all.

we are told that sakura always chooses sasuke and nothing else about it but then we are told that naruto chooses sasuke despite everything else.

to sum up: the traditional female love interest that kishimoto wants to invent is the woman who is devoted. she puts the person she loves above everything else because she loves him. she’d do anything for that person even if it puts her at risk, etc. but at the end of the day there’s still the tired trait of still relying on the man in her life for certain things. and he doesn’t bother to expand characters like sakura and hinata beyond that. (great examples of characters who are almost completely separate from this mold are tsunade and temari - though one might argue about the way they were written designed to fit specific tropes for comedic moments - personally i think they manage to dodge that for the most part though)

with naruto and sasuke - naruto manages to fulfill every roll sakura is meant to in a much more elaborated and better way all without the curse of the female love interest that sakura and hinata bear. it’s hard to accept sakura and hinata’s “i’ll love you no matter what” when naruto is already actively outright doing that with sasuke. the roots of sakura’s feelings for sasuke, hinata’s feelings for naruto, and naruto’s feelings for sasuke are all exceptionally similar to one another which is what shoots kishimoto’s main romances in the foot - because it’s hard for them to measure up to the main “platonic brotherly” relationship he built between sasuke and naruto.

this post is obviously disregarding a lot of the Other really deep parts of sasuke and naruto’s relationship and some important points about the other women of naruto. also it’s important to think on the time period naruto and naruto shippuden were written in. we’re in a major incline period for improvement in how women are presented in fiction - just look at the difference of women between og and shippuden. obviously it doesn’t completely excuse anything but it’s a point to consider.

sorry for the rant and sorry if this is all really obvious to you or if it’s worded poorly, kinda just needed to word vomit my thoughts. i really like analyzing how women are represented in fiction and how the representations have developed over the years. i wrote a few essays about it for some of my courses and now i think about it all the time. obviously i’m not claiming this is how everyone should view these characters or anything i just had lots of my own thoughts about the entire situation and dynamics that i had to put SOMEWHERE. if you have any thoughts about it or points you wanna bring up feel free to do so i love fiction analysis a lot so i love hearing other people’s opinions

[shiroandblack]

Finwë, the Progenitor of the 'Fins'

[Disclaimer: what you are about to read are basically my thoughts and interpretation of Finwë. So if you have different thoughts and opinions that's perfectly fine]

Oh, and I'm totally not doing this because I'm procrastinating on the Fëanor thought-vomit I have going on in my head. Pfft, absolutely not!

Finwë, High King of the Noldor, Daddy to Fëanor, Findis, Fingolfin, Lalwen, and Finarfin (not that kind of daddy, get yer minds out of the gutter), husband to both Míriel and Indis, the Ned Stark of the Silmarillion, (depending on who you ask) the Fin to Elu's Finelwë -

I should stop.

First of all, we have no idea where this guy came from (I think?). He just suddenly popped out as an ambassador who basically went out with his buddies (OG Goldilocks and Tall Boy) to scout Valinor and see if the elves should move there or not. Prior to that, Finwë is not mentioned anywhere. People are generally divided if he was Tata's son as was Ingwë being Imin's son and Elwë being Enel' or if he's Unbegotten. Some also headcanon him as an orphan with his parents gone via Morgoth Kidnapping which was why he was chosen as an ambassador. I mean, magical guy on horse saying he'll take their society somewhere? I wouldn't really send the heirs or chieftains, I'd send someone competent enough to be a diplomat but ultimately no great loss to the tribal society of Cuiviénen (my god did I spell that right) if magical guy does pull a Dark Rider. Personally I do think that if he was indeed an orphan, it would explain some things in particular, like his want for many children and just a big family in general.

Anyways, the three go on their joy trip to Valinor and come back and go like "come, come, there are two pretty trees and no Dark Rider". I personally would have gone because of the no Dark Rider part but hey, if you like shiny, glowing trees and that's your main motivation, no judgement. Right after that, we don't know what happens to Imin, Tata, or Enel. Working on the assumption that the three are different people to the three '-wë's then they could have become Avari since the Avari are Tatyar and Nelyar. Interestingly, the Minyar all go and there is no more mention of Imin despite he was chieftain of all chieftains and then suddenly Ingwë is High King of all Elves? I'm gonna go with @squirrelwrangler's Klingon route here from their story 'Of Ingwë Ingweron' because I think there should be more depth to Ingwë and on a completely irrelevant note I have had a crush on 'the boy who would be Ingwë' since I started reading. You probably didn't need to know that, but now you do :)

(As you can see, I'm being very objective.)

BACK TO THE MAIN POINT. THIS IS A POST ABOUT FINWË. So anyways, the Great Journey happened and for some reason he and Elwë decide to meet up in a forest to do what nobody knows. Anyways, Elwë got skadooshed by Melian and Finwë went to Aman forever regretting the fact that he never got to do Elwë - I MEAN DO WHATEVER HE AND ELWË PLANNED in the woods of Nan Elmoth.

There he got married. Now, this is where I actually stop making fun of Finwë (yeah, no) and give you my interpretations and analysis which none of you have asked for but I'm doing anyways. So right off the bat, even when Míriel is obviously tired from giving birth to the baby who is his own crematorium - sorry, I meant Fëanàro - Finwë goes like "oh he's so pretty, I'm sure our other kids will be just as pretty". Which goes to show us that Finwë likely wanted an armada of kids right from the start. Y'all know what happens next. Point is, Míriel's dead and gone and Finwë is understandably a Sad Boy™.

Now, he also exhibits a certain impatient streak after Míriel dies. Surely he knew that the more he bothered Míriel about "hey, when are you gonna come back?" the more obstinate Míriel would be about not returning. I say he is impatient because he is an elf. He technically has all the time in Arda to wait for Míriel to return, but curiously he doesn't wait. Now, Fëanor was born in YT 1169 and Fingolfin in YT 1190 and since one YT is about 10 solar years (I'm pretty sure it's 9.8 years ish but I suck at maths so please have mercy on me) that means that Fëanor was around 200 years old when Fingolfin was born and we know Findis is elder. 200 years for an elf is not long at all, hell to the elven perception of time Finwë marrying Indis is probably like someone going out dating after 40 days of abstinence after a break up. This means that he married Indis relatively quickly after Míriel died, which shows that he was very eager for the marriage to happen.

Why? Was it because he knew Míriel wouldn't return for a very long time? Or was it because he wanted more kids? Or maybe that impatience is just intrinsic to Finwë's character? I actually don't know what to make of his motivations regarding this, so I'd love to hear anyone's opinions.

Finwë supposedly fell in love with Indis when he was going to visit Ingwë and saw her singing and the light was golden and Indis glowed and yeah. Prior to that, they most likely met in Tirion or even in Cuiviénen as Indis was close kin to Ingwë so I highly doubt that this was their first meeting and Indis was in love with Finwë since the early days of when the Vanyar and Noldor still stayed together in Tirion. This does make me wonder that even when Finwë was married to Míriel, were there seeds of feelings towards Indis? No, I am not saying he had an affair with Indis while married to Míriel, but you can feel attracted to someone even while married to another. But considering Finwë's favouritism towards Fëanor, I don't think this was the case and he probably began falling in love with Indis when he saw her singing and being basked in golden light. I do wonder what would have happened if he saw her picking her nose instead but hey, elves don't pick their noses in the Silm because all the nose dirt is removed by the sheer amount of times they must've cried in the First Age. Snotty crying ftw.

Many people in-universe seem to think that his second marriage was a mistake, but I do not think his marriage per say was a mistake. To me Finwë had the right to move on from Míriel, but what I don't agree with was that the Valar basically locked her up in Mandos for eternity. But this is a point of conflict that I feel I should address in a separate post about the Valar. In any case, what I think was the mistake was Finwë's impactful favouritism of Fëanor and his failure to reconcile Fëanor and his children by Indis. As there are a lot of external factors to him being unable to make his kids get along, I will be focusing more on the negative effects of his favouritism.

Finwë's marriage to Indis seems almost like a spontaneous decision, I don't think he actually sat Fëanor down and explained things to him quite well. After all, in Fëanor's mind Indis is the reason his mother is forever dead which is not really the case. Finwë wanted to marry Indis and Indis wanted to marry Finwë. It takes two to make the relationship work, after all. But despite Indis giving him what he wanted which is more children and a big family in general, Finwë still favoured Fëanor. Now I do get favouritism because everyone has favourites, but Finwë's favouritism only served to create more strife between Fëanor and Fingolfin. With one child, he lavishes praise and attention to the point that it's detrimental to Fëanor's growth as a person and with the other children, Fingolfin felt ignored enough to tailor his entire life into proving that he is more worthy to be Finwë's heir to - for a lack of better word - get his father to look at him the same way Finwë looks at Fëanor.

I don't doubt that Finwë loved his kids. I think he did love both Fëanor and his children by Indis, but the thing is . . . his actions always show that he loved Fëanor more. And I think that must have been devastating for his other children and what was the worst in my opinion is that Finwë doesn't seem to realise this. This could be a form of selective ignorance on Finwë's part or it could simply be that Finwë felt that he was giving equal attention to his children and that Fëanor needed more attention because he didn't have a mother. This is a logical thought process for him, but just because something seems logical it doesn't mean it's the right thing. Personally, I think Finwë's feelings towards Fëanor revolve around love and guilt and that guilt over denying Fëanor a birth mother makes him put Fëanor on a pedestal above his other children.

Now I'm gonna dive in to the circumstances up to his death. Prior to the infamous 'point-a-sword-at-traitorous-half brother' incident, the Noldor already had factions brewing under each of Finwë's sons. Which means that there were different groups supporting different sons (I'm just gonna give this quick glance because Noldorin elf politics and succession matters requires its own post honestly), both Fëanor and Fingolfin's group were advocating for these two princes to be Finwë's heir while Finarfin's most likely stayed neutral as throughout the text Finarfin has shown no real desire for kingship as his brothers (well, little did he know that his mother-name would come true in an arguably sad way). What is very interesting is the fact that Fingolfin thought he could be king after Finwë to begin with, which suggests to me that Finwë hadn't formally declared an heir. Usually it is assumed that the eldest son is heir and there would be no formal declaration needed, but the thing is Finwë had sons by a different queen and what's more is Fingolfin and Finarfin were the children of the ruling queen. Why he didn't do a formal declaration, I do wonder, because while it may have embittered Fingolfin for awhile I do think that if Fëanor had been assured of his position then maybe the two could have had some semblance of a healthy relationship. Maybe he viewed it as causing a greater rift between his children?

Now we finally get on to the sword pulling incident. We all know what happens, so I'll just skip on to the aftermath. Fëanor is exiled by Manwë, Finwë views this as an insult to his authority. I do agree that this can be viewed as that because as a Noldo, Fëanor should answer to the king of the Noldor and Manwë is exiling someone who is not his subject. But the thing is, Finwë probably wasn't going to really punish him and that's why Manwë stepped in. Hell, we have no evidence of a trial going on for what Fëanor did. But the thing is, this isn't just a regular Fëanor and Fingolfin screaming match this was Fëanor actually threatening harm to Fingolfin in front of everyone. The guy literally sashayed into the room, wearing armour and drew a sword. This must have been the equivalent of a bank robber drawing out a loaded gun to the elves.

Anyways, ya know what good ol' Finwë did to protest against Manwë's interference and Fëanor getting exiled -

He incited the Fourth Shinobi War -

No, he just yeeted off with Fëanor. Look guys, I have neutral feelings towards Fingolfin I mean he is no victim (in general) because he has done some pretty presumptuous things (which is what makes him interesting, let's be honest), but I have never ever felt so bad for him before. Hell, this is an even worse 'fuck you' then making him cross the Helcaraxë because Fingolfin's main motivation in life thus far is probably to be equal to Fëanor in Finwë's eyes. I mean, he did leave Fingolfin regent (did he? Oh gosh, I honestly forgot) but still dealt an emotional blow anyways.

Right, so we don't get much of what Finwë did in Formenos but maybe this whole thing was just for him to get a holiday. And then Melkor comes and fucks shit up by killing Finwë. Now, I'm going to talk about Finwë's murder and why it is in my opinion the Inciting Incident™ of the Silm, the Chekhov's gun being fired so to speak, the equivalent of Ned Stark's execution in the Tolkienverse. Everything else, Melkor's lies, the creation of the Silmarils, the drama between the brothers, it was a build up to this moment. And everything after, the exile of the Noldor, the War of the Jewels, it was what happened because of Finwë's murder. Prior to this, there were already factions among the Noldor as previously discussed above but none of these factions actually openly made any moves against each other. Why? Because Finwë was still alive, because Finwë was essentially the lynchpin holding the Noldor together. Now, I'm pretty sure that Morgoth killed Finwë just to fuck Fëanor's shit up even more, but what he did was quite tactically brilliant. He has effectively wrought chaos among the Noldor in one single swoop.

And thus the Quenta Silmarillion happens.

In Mandos, he meets Míriel and tells her about his life. Because maybe it went something like this:

Finwë: so yeah, you know I was with our son all the way through and then I died. What have you been doing?

Míriel: oh, you know the usual things one does when one is condemned to Mandos for eternity.

Anyways, he gives up any opportunity for life for Míriel. Which is admittedly a nice thing to do since the reason Míriel is kinda stuck there is related to him, until you find out Míriel weaves the history of the House of Finwë instead of well, I don't know building the Mírindis ship? Yeah, she probably weaved Fingon getting his head smashed open by Gothmog and getting his corpse trampled. Oh and the 'If I Die, You Die' duel between Celegorm and Dior which probably wasn't as badass as Katniss' "If we burn, you burn with us" line from Mockingjay made it seem but more bloody and violent. Also Maedhros throwing himself off into a fiery chasm. Finrod getting mauled by a werewolf.

Good times, I'm sure.

But hey, at least Fëanor comes within a few seconds after stepping into Beleriand to keep him company.

So, I'm done with teasing my analysis of Finwë. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day.

Just keep procrastinating <3

[thegrapeandthefig]

Philosophy, Hellenic Polytheism and me

This post is going to be a bit different and more personal. I wasn't sure I wanted to make it, but clearly this topic keeps being brought up, and makes me scream into the void without much context. My disclaimer is this: today's post is a word vomit  an opinion piece, not an informative one.

Philosophy and me My interest in philosophy started at a young age. I was lucky to be given at the age of 8 a philosophy book aimed at children, which general topic was knowledge. I devoured it, and it's been arguably one of the books that has had the most important impact on me. It's been nearly 20 years and I still have it. I later had the mandatory one year of philosophy class at the end of high school, and did an extra year in Uni.

It's been no secret that I have a leaning towards stoicism. My father had bought Seneca's Letters to Lucinius as a joke: a reference to a play he enjoyed where one of the characters repeated countless times "Read Seneca" as a replacement sentence for "dude, chill". I'm pretty sure no one ever picked up this book with the intention to read it, but it was there, and I've always been curious.

As a dionysian, my preference for stoicism over epicurianism tends to surprise people. I tend to say it's both by misunderstanding of the importance of moderation in epicurian thought, but also from forgetting the theological position epicurianism has. One of the reasons I like Seneca so much is exactly because he saw value in what Epicurian philosophers had to say, but differed from them enough to still fall under the stoic label. In a way, this is also my stance with other philosophies, especially neo-platonism. I actually really enjoy reading Plutarch's neo-platonist thoughts, and agree with a lot of it, but not enough to consider myself under the same label. I will come back on neoplatonism later.

The place of religion and philosophy This is where I seem to be holding the "unpopular opinion". The beauty of ancient Greek religion is the lack of dogma. It's what has allowed the faith to grow in various directions and gave us a rich diversity. Hellenic polytheism doesn't really give us a code of conduct. Yes, there are the Delphic Maxims, but they are in this grey area where they are not religiously enforced rather than recommended. As such, I don't consider my religion to be the basis of my morals. My philosophy is. Sure, they aren't perfectly parallels lines, and both overlaps on certain points. My point is: were I to leave hellenic polytheism for another faith or none at all, my philosophy would still be the same, and thus, my code of conduct would remain the same. 

I tend to interpret "know thyself" this way: do you know what you think? Within this perspective, the Delphic Maxims are less recommendations than a set of topics one is meant to reflect on and discover who they are through what they think. I also do not believe that this point of view goes against the idea that Apollo is the god behind the Maxims. As a god of philosophy and sciences, valuing genuine analysis over blind obedience doesn't strike me as wrong.

The problem of neoplatonism It’s not the philosophy itself. Truth is, I have no problem with neoplatonism as a philosophy. Sure, I don’t agree with everything Plato, Plutarch or Proclus says, but, like others, they make good points and there are good hindsights. 

So why I have been so vocal about neoplatonism lately? Because the hellenic polytheists who happen to slap “neoplatonist” in their descriptions are giving Ancient neoplatonism (and modern hellenists) a terrible reputation. Every philosophical school has discussed theology and have expressed different ideas. Yet, today, the only group of people who enforces their point of view on religious matters are the ones who consider themselves neoplatonists. 

It is also not a localized phenomenon. I’ve seen it coming from organized groups and individuals alike. Some where Greek, some not. Let me be clear: I don’t care about someone’s personal philosophies or theological views as long as they’re not trying to convince others that their way of doing things is the right one. 

That being said, we should question why it is that neoplatonism is the only philosophy being brought up in hellenic polytheist circles when it is only one school of thought amongst others. 

If you are a neoplatonist reading this: know I do not mean this as an attack, rather as an invitation to accept that philosophies can co-exist today as they have always done in the past and that none of them hold authority over others. 

[volgdemagischewinx]

So I watched the first Nick special

Terrible idea, I know but I was really curious about just how they went about it. I did keep a liveblog on my phone while watching, but since I went into this special more with the intent of picking it apart and comparing it to the Dutch version of it(as I switched between the two for every scene) it didn't really end up working as a liveblog post

BUT because I do like word vomiting my thoughts on this cartoon here I ended up kinda reworking it into like a review/liveblog/dubbing analysis hybrid that I'll put under the cut here

Before I get into the special itself I wanna start with being positive about the music. I genuinly love it despite my heavy nostalgic bias towards the rai soundtrack. I'll even say that if I hadn't grown up with the original intro the Nick one would probably be my favorite. And I actually like it in English as well as in Dutch, tho the latter does still get extra points from me because it's Musa's VA singing it, which just makes it feel more Winx to me

I'm pleasantly surprised by how they covered the events of the pilot. Going in I expected them to pull a 4kids and cut Bloom's intro, but luckily at least this American company realised that that's important to keep actually. They even threw in an extra line about Bloom's love of fairies that I really appreciated. I'm bummed they cut Mitzi's bullying but it in the interest of time I can't really blame them. I noticed they changed Bloom wanting a scooter to her wanting a car which is funny to me, but it's something that actually makes sense for a localization. I did get a kick out of the Dutch dub switching it right back to scooter tho

I'm not fond of most of the dialogue changes in general but they're not horrible. The only thing that really annoyed me is them cutting Bloom's stutter from "did I just do that" and just having her seem less freaked out in general. I had the same problem with 4kids now that I think about it. Is there some ban on protagonists freaking out in U.S television I don't know about?

In terms of voice acting for this part I'm not loving it, but it's also not as bad as I was expecting. Mike, Vanessa and Knut all sound fine. I knew going in from having seen a good chunk of the Nick dub of s3 that this was my least favorite Bloom, and that's still the case. Not a bad VA by any means but the voice does not match the character. I have mixed feelings about Stella since I really do like the voice, but it still doesn't really fit Stella's personality to me

And of course the voice acting was something I was incredibly curious about in the Dutch dub. Unlike the Nick version they didn't use the specials to bring in a new cast, so all these characters have the same VA as they did originally. But the thing about this dub is you can tell the VA's take cues from the English version, even if they were far more expressive than the English rai, so it's fun to see how their delivery changes when basing their performance on the Nick voices instead

The difference is very noticable, and is actually making me appreciate the English rai version more for providing a better source if nothing else. Bloom and Stella still sound very much like themselves, but like toned down versions. I did find that most of the scenes worked better for me after watching it in Dutch. Nostalgia goggles at work of course, but Bloom's Baby Voice and Stella's sarcasm can make any scene feel more in character. Plus Bloom's VA brought back some of that nervousness that was missing in English, Stella's VA didn't even try to do the valley girl thing, and both of them had some slightly altered lines that fit much better imo

The special def starts to suffer as soon as the girls get to Alfea. It just feels like they wanted to get as much info out of the way asap, and the characters really suffer for it. Especially the bond between the Winx. For as well as they still managed to set up Bloom and Stella, without the mini plot about Bloom's fake identity, a scene of them hanging out in Magix, and the girls listening to Bloom's pleas to Faragonda it just feels incomplete. I almost wish they would have just cut that first outing alltogether and jumped straight to that swamp assignment to get early bonding there instead. I at least think they should have held off on them naming the club. I'll defend it happening that early in the OG for various reasons, but they should have left that for the end of the special here

I don't care for these versions of the Trix, both in how their dialogue is written and acted, even the Dutch versions who still have their iconic(and I do mean ICONIC they're so damn good) bitch voices can't save it

For the rest of the girls I'd argue that the voice acting quality in this dub is objectively the best out of all the English ones, but I can't help but feel like they all sound way too similar. I would not be able to tell who was talking if I wasn't watching the screen. In Dutch there's the unfortunate fact that Tecna's VA changed and it really throws me off even though the new one does a good job. With Musa and Flora it's the same as Bloom and Stella, they sound like themselves just toned down

I don't agree with the decision to make the school cleaning storyline the first story. On some level I get why they did it. It's a story that heavily features the specialists who needed more of an introduction, it includes some neat hints about Bloom having the Dragon Flame, and it's just a really fun adventure in general. It's just that it doesn't work well with how little time the girls have had together. Either the swamp, or Stella being kindnapped would have been better. Ignoring that I did have a lot of fun watching it as just alternate versions of the original scenes though

Now, while shitting on Fate, I've actually argued in favor of Bloom being confirmed as the keeper of the Dragon Flame being a season 1 finale thing, so naturally I approve of it as an ending for a special. In theory. The execution was lacking to say the least and I would have preffered for them to save it for the next one just to get more time with Bloom as just Bloom. As it is it feels really rushed and Kiko's fake-out death was so much less impactful. I do like the concept of Bloom's first transformation happening in a more high pressure situation but it just ended up distracting from the point of the scene. Also how did the Trix even end up considering it was her? Pretty sure they skipped over that completely

All in all, while not nearly as bad as it could have been, the special did not manage to convey the story of ep 1-10 properly. It was to be expected since condensing a full season into a few specials is a stupid idea, so I can't get too pressed about it. I'd even say a good chunk of it was enjoyable if viewed as extra content instead of a replacement for season 1. And not to always be on 4kids' case but honestly? I liked this a lot better

Outside of that obvious issue my biggest problem with the writing itself is that it feels very American. To me a big part of what makes Winx Winx is that it isn't American, and I gotta say that besides the gross whitewashing crap, I think that attempting to appeal to American audiences is where Winx went wrong, and that shows already in this special. I can't help but wonder where the show would be now if it had remained true to it's roots, instead of trying to break into the U.S market. It was never going to be as big there as in Europe, and now it's not doing good in either area

[k-i-ssmyash]

Pls I would love to hear your analysis on why those mitski songs fit each iz boy (feel free to ignore this but if you'd like do tell bcs I think it is interesting B) )

Oh buddy you've made a mistake. You'd love to hear the analysis? Well I love to talk; I hope your ready for the absolute word vomit and rambling that's under the cut. But yeah, no, i'll never turn down asks like this! Interact with me! I'm but a simple, lonely tumblr hermit.

Let's start off with the first post containing Zim and referencing A Pearl. I tie this song in with his (fandom assumed) character development and how it effects both his mental state, Dib, and his ideology of the Irken Empire as a whole. In a way, I think a lot of us over-sympathize or find common ground with our alien and it prompts us to victimize him and excuse a lot of his actions. And for good reasons honestly? It's easy to do so consider that he was born under the rule of a tyrannical society where flaws are looked down upon. He does wrong but to him it's not exactly wrong, is it? It's unfair to judge him and scrutinize him the same way we do humans. The show is slap-stick at it's core and despite the grim and black-humor based undertones, not much is taken seriously. Although it often ends up in failure, everything he attempts to do is to better the empire, to receive recognition from the beings they hail to about the same degree as a deity. The long and short of it is that he wants to make the Tallest happy. To prove that he's worth their time and that he can live up to everything he dreamed he could be, but the truth is that he can't. He loves the people that hate him the most. It's an abusive relationship at it's finest, really. So he picks up the most unhealthy coping mechanism: Denial. He can't accept the fact that he's a fake invader, or that his Tallest weren't coming to Earth, because it would genuinely destroy him. And why wouldn't it? Pleasing his superiors and contributing to the hive-collective is encoded in him. It's all he's ever known. I specifically chose the given lines "(It's just that) I fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended-" because that's the back-bone of Zim's character. You can take it both literally and metaphorically if you'd like. He's invader Zim. He likes being an invader because it gives him a purpose. The Tallest give him a fake mission and play into his delusion of doing good and being someone important (of being loved, even) and never truly hammer in the fact that he's exiled--not counting the unaired episode or the bit of commentary mumbled under the Tallests breath-- because they find the situation funny to an extent. (also, what gets me just in general with it is that Zim thinks that people like him but he's actually just one big joke and ow goddamn it my feelings) Main lyric(s) out of the way there I similarly associate the song to Zim's uh 'character redemption' so to say. I think he'd struggle to become accustomed to Earth and the fact that he doesn't have to rely on commands to live his life. I relate the line(s): "You're getting tired of me (and all of the things I don't talk about) / You love me so hard and I still can't sleep / It's not that I don't want you / It's not that I don't want your touch / There's a hole that you fill" With his relationship with Dib-- platonic, romantic, whatever-- and the general give and take of it all. He'd like to assimilate and believe in the freedom given by living on Earth. He wants it and in a way Dib provides the stability he needs there and it would be so, so, easy to give in to it. But he can't because the Empire continues to loom over him and his day-to-day life. As it's been proven, without Dib there to provoke Zim, the little alien falls into a depression, not unlike the one he fell into in Enter The Florpus when he saw the truth in his mission. Dib is his substitute, essentially. (there's something to be said with that relationship and how I view it but this is already dragging on and this is only the first analysis, so maybe another time.) And lastly, I'd like to think that the Pearl the song is eluding to can be compared to Zim's PAK. The whole 'Pearls are parasites that live inside of mollusks' bit can relate to the PAK and it's purpose. But I see it more in the sense that the PAK is the second brain, a computer memory drive that grants Zim access to the memories he can't bring himself to forget or delete. I.e., "And it left a pearl in my hand / And i roll it around every night just to watch it glow /

Every night, baby, that's where I go" Every time he takes a step forward, he takes two back because he just can't let go of what he knows (the Empire).

--- As for Dib and I Bet On Losing Dogs, well, it's a little more complicated and I'm still not entirely sure of my break-down here because there's so many layers to apply. Originally when I started messing around with this idea, it was going to be centered on Membrane "My baby, you're my baby, say it to me" and him loving Dib despite his flaws. And I still think it could apply. While Dadbrane doesn't support Dib's paranormal bull-shit, and he shouldn't considering the lengths Dib goes through to prove it (bus hoping, obsessive behavior, the fucking trench-coat) he does support and love his son despite the absentness. Hence the "I bet on losing dogs" and you know, Dadbrane just being there to pick him up and have his back when he really needs to. But then we get to the last line of the first verse. "Tell your baby that I'm your baby" To which Dib, in all of his edgy glory, decided to stick his big-head in to my thought process. I saw it as Dib wishing that Membrane would pick him over Science. Kind of a plea for attention? Like: Put your work away, I know you love it but you need to love me more. Dib has got to have the biggest hero-complex out of everyone in the show. He also has an inferiority-complex that compels him to try and prove himself. Quite frankly, and pun fully intended, he is the underdog. The odds are always against him and he almost never comes out victorious in the end, in that way, I feel like Dib himself is the loosing dog. His belief in the supernatural is the loosing dog. No one will ever believe him, "I bet on losing dogs / I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place" but he's too stubborn to give up. Even if he's mocked and ridiculed he would never stop trying to prove himself correct and would continue to stick to his guns. "I'll be there on their side / I'm losing by their side" He ostracizes himself from his peers by not letting belief go. He is purposely sabotaging his chance of being seen as someone other than the crazy kid.

That being said, the next line is where his Hero-complex comes back into play. "Where I'll be looking in their eyes when they're down" in Enter the Florpus, his sworn enemy was in a funk that he knew all too well. Sure, in the end he wanted to use Zim for his own gain, but before that he sympathized with him. And in a way, he possibly wouldn't know how to act if he ever did actually succeed? I couldn't help but think that Dib, who has always lost wouldn't feel like exposing Zim would be a win? He'd miss the fight. Dib would miss the struggle of being beaten down only to rise up when he finally gets some sort of substantial evidence: "I wanna feel it / I bet on losing dogs" he hopes that Zim will come up with something big and bad not because he wants him to win either, but because then Dib has something to fight against. Along with that, the one time Dib actually broke away from paranormal to go along with his father's wishes he was absolutely miserable. He was successful. He made his father happy, he could have made something out of his life but he couldn't; the appeal of Zim and their on-going stalemate was too much to resist-- "I always want you when I'm finally fine / Someone to watch me die" -- Dib is ruining himself by obsessing over the truth and Zim would be going down, right there with him. ahaha, that was a lot wasn't it? It probably didn't make sense either as it's just my personal rambling here, but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and opinions on it all.